#its a remake of an old sketch i made half a year ago

[iotsketches]

favorite mother-daughter duo

[revilleaj]

Art update & 3D Robodi model images

It has been quite a while since I've last really done anything online. I've been heavily burned out and tired constantly since at least December or so (I have done drawings in months prior, but I have never posted them publically). I still do not have a new computer, even though I have enough money (about £1k) to buy the parts or even an entire computer, but there are other factors in life that need more attention being put towards right now.

I'm still in the midst of trying to get a job (damn required experience and driving license listings!), and drawing right now is bottom priority. It feels like a chore and it's not fun when I have rusted from not drawing in so long (making so many mistakes really sets off my anger problems). I really do not like being pressured into trying to do things, and I have been experimenting with 3D, but only to an extent.

So, with that said, I am going to put making newer drawings on hold for an indefinite amount of time until I feel motivated enough to draw. I'm not done with art entirely and I never will be, but I think I really shouldn't pressure myself as if art is some kind of requirement in life. I've been also having drawing tablet issues, and I noticed there's a small crack in my Huion that I haven't been able to use almost ever since I had it (thankfully the thing still works, and the crack is near the top, only half getting on the drawing area).

I may also finally add some images to my empty DeviantArt account. As much as I do not like that website nor its community, I think it would work if I just put my favorite drawings I've worked on there, specifically ones up until the end of 2023. All of the really old and weaker art (mostly from 2018 and 2020, and anything from 2017) I won't be reposting, as they no longer reflect me, and have not done so for a very long time.

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Now, for the second topic of this post, and in a much better light; the 3D Robodi model. I'm sure I've talked about this years ago on Twitter. Back in 2020, when I was still in my first year of university, I worked on a 3D model of one of my characters named Robodi, using Cinema 4D. It was never finished, but I did learn quite a bit when working on it. Here's some newer screenshots of him, now that I've managed to pick back up an older version of C4D (I do not like the 2022 UI layout change):

This is the last version of the model to not be animated, from May 2020. The image is rendered using the Sketch & Toon shader with the Standard renderer. A few options were altered to remove unnecessary outlines.

The model in the renderer itself; right is the objects list, bottom are the materials (vertex colors and textures, some with C4D specific features).

The last ever version of this specific model from September 2021, with the FOV heavily reduced to improve the depth. A single black thin cube was added between the eyes to create a fake extra outline. A bit of a hacky effect; I did not know how to do inverted normals, in fact I don't think I knew that was how most computer games handled outlines.

The very first saved version of the model, in Cinema 4D's editor, made earlier in May 2020. The pieces have default names and are not parented, some materials are not added yet, and the shapes are noticeably bigger, especially the base of the head and the torso.

I once experimented with "realistic" materials and shading (including the dreadfully slow Global Illumination), which doesn't make the most sense for a cartoon character. Here you can see the unit plate on the back of his head, which I don't think I have ever shown before. The camera may look close here, but it's actually extremely far away with a very low FOV (dubbed Super-Telescope). Some textures are no longer in the project files, so this looks slightly off from how it did back in 2020.

In October 2021, I went back to the older May 2020 model and decided to try and remake it. I realized that using one mesh and extruding it works a lot better with the Sketch & Toon shader, as it does not create unnecessary outlines when the default shader options are left the way they are. The lines in the middle of the eyes and nose are from the shader, rather than a black material cube. Of course, it would be more wise to just duplicate each mesh, enlarge them and invert the normals while applying a pitch black texture to them. I abandoned the model shortly after the progress I made here, and I am not sure why. Maybe I was burned out and lost interest.

I should probably try to attempt making a 3D model of him again and some others, now that I know a lot more than I did nearly 4 years ago (yeah, can you believe it has also been nearly 6 years since my Reville character was created? Robodi was first created in mid-2019; almost 5 years ago! Good things take time and care). It will be a difficult task, but I'll make sure to export whatever I make to a .FBX model, so that it doesn't get lost to C4D licensing Hell. Hopefully, that would make the models work in Blender and such (the materials will have to be baked into textures however, instead of being separate C4D ones. At least .FBX doesn't use an external material file unlike .OBJ, which I and others have had issues with). Maybe I could use them for rotoscoping or somethin'.

Here's hoping to me eventually finding motivation, losing my tiredness, and getting a job with stable income alongside continuing to work on my passion projects, no matter how much time has past since the day I first thought of them. I want to keep doing things, not resting in bed most of my days. Too bad winter is freezing cold where I live, and I suffer from mild hypothermia...

[noxyfied]

This, is Noxy/Noxyfied/Nox. This is the character I identify as online, and I want to tell you my story with this adorable Arctic Fox because it is one heck of a tale from not so long ago

Things did begin rough at the beginning of my persona’s history. I honestly can’t recall how I came up with it, only how I inserted my love for something and went with it.

From the early years of 2017 to 2019 I was all paper and pencil. Ah yes traditional art was my big thing for a couple of years during that era of 2013 to 2020. I had a time where I wrote stories about characters I made, and not much. No fan art, no nothing, I wanted to stick to my own original ideas at first before I took the step to do something that I did not own; it was a weird mindset I know, I couldn’t hold myself to want to be original and develop to be good enough to draw other things.

It took me some time to develop, hell even to this day I still am unsure of my own skills but I enjoyed trying new things. I don’t reject much criticism even if it comes harsh it still lingers in my head when received anyway. I needed someone to identify as online, a persona who I would have an identity through as I was moving forward on this hopeful career I want to make with my art.

Idea #1 draw my own self accurate to how I look 

Scratch that...

Nononono, I am too bad at showing my face, even at that I don’t like myself.

So I had to come up with something else, 2019 was ending with my skills rising up to something neat. I had Fire alpaca and a wacom cheap tablet which I used time to time back then, and with how I moved foward I said “why not, lets draw a glaceon.

Not bad, not bad. I do enjoy anthropomorphic animals, and for a anthro Glaceon it wasn't so bad. Even back then I did not enjoy much of this picture but the idea sparked. I did roleplay around online a lot as a Glaceon. People always had referred to me as a Glaceon when talking, because furry friends tend to be like that and I don’t mind. It had definitely sparked the idea of identifying as one for my persona.

I had a hard time how I would draw this character, a more personalized Glaceon with my own flare of the art style I carry should be nice, should I make it tall? short? anthro? feral? the questions rose up. Even more as time passed, took some time unsure of it, Unluckily I had a Glaceon FURsona, not a persona. (Yes those were two separate things as I carried 7 fursonas as individual characters in their own stories).

But soon one day in class, my artsy self was bored and it just sparked.

This is it! yes! I love it! something about this just clicked for some reason, it was like nothing I had seen before I could not look away at it, this was it.

After class I went home and played some games. The idea was there but man am I tired. Things did go slow, but not for long as of January, the classes I took gave me the ability to better understand this Adobe Photoshop, an amazing tool for editing pictures but also... To draw?!? I have heard of using Photoshop to draw but was amazed to have the ability using such program. During my time 2019 I would doodle around on Photoshop in my school or at home (thanks to the campus giving me a cheaper prize to use it for assignments) Not bad, not bad, the program was for sure something nice to use. Look! I even drew my Fursonas there too, ain’t that nice

2019 was something for sure. It had just begun making 2020 quite the year as I took my wacom tablet, opened Photoshop, and on January there it was.

Oh how cute! I felt so proud of myself, firealpaca was nothing like how clean and pretty Photoshop was, I was amazed at this ability.

“I made this?” that would be what I ask myself everyday. Time to time I would, and still, look at my phone to my drawings and remember what I used to make some pieces, I will not forget how I used thick outlines with the line too from photoshop, added some depth on the eyes. But most importantly, I had a persona, and I introduced it

My friends loved it, I could not believe I am starting to do the shift, my days of traditional art were at a halt. Not at a complete stop since I do use traditional art for a few other things of course, this was just my main focus now.

This little creature was everything to me, cute, easy to make, helped me throughout a few months as I practiced with my digital art.

I also perfected it’s look, but something looked rather familiar about it. Could not put my finger to it, so I went on drawing it.

that was a few exceptions where I shifted the proportions for “it”

“It” “it” what was this thing supposed to be, I myself was unsure how to identify myself with this persona. Male? no, female? no. The issue was there, who am I really inside, who was my persona gonna be.

I still cannot tell you exactly what my persona was for the longest time. I at times felt lost and confused with my identity, it did not help that 2020 did its mumbo jumbo and a pandemic happened, it was a lot of time on my own at home just questioning really who I had been for the longest time. Classes were minimal so my free time was big around April and May.

I was always unsure of who I was exactly, through my early years late 2000′s I had in me that my body was uncomfortable for looking the way it did, 2010′s went silent but there was something in me I did not understand. why did I feel this way, why do I feel as I am not happy with who I am, and who I identify with.

This persona was the wake up call to who I really wanted to be. I saw it in me that I knew being a male was the main issue in me feeling unhappy. Throughout my life I did not enjoy masculinity as much as other kids, yeah I had some boy traits but it was rather minimal, I enjoyed other things more. I enjoyed a lot of things about being female it was something I had never seen before. as hard or confusing things tend to be from me to explain, its a rather hard thing for myself to explain. But that how it felt “confusing” I researched and looked for things and to my conclusion I had come to be, I come to identify as a MtF trans.

I felt relieved in me of it and I already enjoyed my days more after from it. The only issue is “who do I tell..?” I was timid to tell this to anyone, friends or even family. Especially family, those I come to admit they will never be told of what my decision was because of how hard headed they are. It is a tragic story to tell since most families are such closed minded people of rejecting others.

“My friends tho, my friends? I would feel bad if I told them” that was the mindset I had for a while before admitting to them time to time, one by one. This was a chapter in my life that had changed me early 2020′s but I felt a lot of joy in me to be who I wanted to be, I no longer took anyone else's guidance for controlling who I am, I just went with my own flow.

My persona was.... more comically confused, it could be either so I just left it how my mood wanted it to go for when drawing it. So, things went well, in 2019 with the money I got I found myself enjoying a lot of second handed games, with a game coming real soon that had me pumped for I had to get a console I wanted for so long

A PS4 for the the Final fantasy 7 Remake, I was so pumped waiting for the game, I got a used PS4 for it and even bought couple other games for it to get to know the console: Final fantasy 15, destiny, and later on this Persona 5 game a lot of people talked about. Hmm ok, well lets try it out and oh me oh my, a few days later:

The art style captivated me, can you tell I went all out to trying anything with my persona? I cannot believe I was my own guinea pig for these sorts.

Going around some friends and they will tell you that I used this pfp quite a lot back then, as well as updating it with a new oc I had come up with

A tale in due time will be told about this gal.

well, it was set and forth that this was me, my persona, this glaceon was who I was. People loved it, my friends really liked it, and I had a blast having this first pure year of digital art only. Meeting new friends, and admiring their art. Having old friends come back, and even losing a few others on the way. During the time of june, to July I was rapid about drawing my persona in many ways, short, tall, anthro, feral

even metallic.

 But there come some time I did not grew tired of. But a little worried that I had to rely on a franchise for my own identity, of course there is nothing wrong for those doing it. But reflecting on myself, back then when I wanted this art career to happen, I wanted to go all out letting out my imagination  with my own creations. I had to make the decision, it was time to move on...

...To a new art program and new drawing tablet

No, it wasn’t that. I had to branch out from this Glaceon, but keep my identity, my legacy of this persona in check, but with a new coat of paint of course. did not take a long time before choosing that I had to use a real life animal as inspiration for this change. Something at least close to it, ah yes of course! the inspiration of the Glaceon was an arctic fox, well those are some good stepping stones to begin with so what happened one day is that I began sketching, not before saying good bye to this old self that helped me begin. It was weird, this is me but it was old me?

Tested the new Brushes from this amazing program called Clip studio paint, and I gotta say I love the program. Sincerely the best choice I made to leave Photoshop for this.

At last, this is it. the new Me!

Familiar looking isn’t it,baby steps we can say.

I cannot blame the people for calling my new persona a “Glaceon-alike”

I headed to the right direction stepping away from it, but it was hard to let go

new program, new tablet, new me. the later half of 2020 went onto a lot of changes with myself, the chibi small version did not make me happy to make anymore, I was losing the touch and with the few comments I got of looking like a “powerpuff girl look a like” did set me off to do a drastic change I am thankful to do. This new me had some weird phases, don’t we all tho?

where else to brainstorm than back to the traditional old ways. Now, you may see this and ask what was I thinking when making this. the order of when i started and finish goes as: Top right: ok what if it was feral, nah nah scratch. Top left: Can I still make it cute with a round face and features I had from before? ew no! that looks scary Bottom right: lets make it more natural and wow hey! yes yes yes! this looks hundred times better. Bottom left: It is time I go all out and make it humanoid, it was how I found myself enjoying drawing most things but still did some anthropomorphic things. I was just not the best of it.

Back to digital and.... Amazing, I really out did myself this time, lets go for it, lets keep going with this

I even got a cool sword too!

My practice continued from here, the second half was great and fun. New persona got me in a place where I was happy with and through October and December I was having a blast with the more possibilities with it. I went on to practice with even more suggestive things after a life drawing class I took, proportions mattered to me and with this new persona I went out to make more better looking proportions that were attractive and stylish.

This persona was great, and I managed to make so much of it. even Drawing the more suggestive stuff had left me with an answer for this persona. Just make it gender fluid, my selection for this character being male or female made me so tired I did not know why I just made it gender fluid since the beginning. My mood swings for this character, and I can’t resist drawing it either way. Was I finished? of course not, this persona still had some work around to do. The hair became a pain to make to keeping up with  consistently.

2020 ended, with a year of exciting new things coming for this new year. I went through quite a lot in my life and my art career took a shaken with this new digital life style, my persona became the identity I saw myself through, something im happy with drawing to represent Me.

That isn’t to say that I gave up on drawing Me Me.

I drew who I hope to be, and will use this from time to time, nothing fancy but something.

It has been a year already since I began identifying myself with this persona from last year from now. ever since I sketched that doodle in class, it has been a happy trip through memory lane writing it and I am happy how things turned out. 2021 is what I hope to be as good as 2020 was (by that I mean drawing only of course) In 2021 one more change was made that had made me just as happy to continue on with.

I got more hair! as crazy as it is yes. More hair, and a different front style has been to this day what I been using.

I even made a discord emoji for all the warm hugs to have with my fursona!

and my first ever animation I have ever done before!!

I am always experimenting new things, and i’m proud to be an artists to go out there and leave my art out there to be noticed by anyone. The love and appreciation friends and others leave me are the best thing I could ask. I look foward to see what is up ahead, for me, my career, and Noxy.

[ravenwolfie97]

2020 Art Summary

Yep, it’s 2021 already. 2020 is finally over. It felt like it lasted forever, and it felt like the end would never come, but here we are. Crazy how the time flew by.

I felt like I didn’t get much art done this year because of Current World Event, but I made a lot more than I thought I did. Even some of my new favorite pieces came out of this year, so I think that’s worth celebrating and looking back upon!

I was insanely productive during the first month of 2020, and looking back I was surprised at all the stuff I did, but then I remembered that that winter season was actually one of the best times of my life! I started being more socially involved, and I think my newfound drive at the time translated into all the art I pumped out this month. This is just a small fraction of what I made in January, but I only have so much space. Quite a few complex pieces in both style exploration and polishing my own style.

Apparently February was a rather intimate month. Things began to slow down in terms of my own art here, with me spending more time in social settings and school work ramping up, I didn’t have as much time to coop up in my room to draw. I did wanna do something for a friend’s Valentine’s Day OC art challenge, so I drew my lovey-dovey couple from Dance of 1000 Words havin’ a dance. Nothing actually came of that challenge, but it was fun to do regardless.

One of the things I was most proud of in the winter season was making more friends, and one of the closest friends I made was completely coincidental. I met a person named Kiri on the bus one night I decided to volunteer somewhere by myself, and we ended up chatting and getting along. They quickly told me their tumblr username, and I shot them a message immediately after they left. A couple days later, we met up for brunch, and we started becoming really close friends and creative partners!

Not much else happened in March cuz that’s when Current World Event started becoming an issue, but Kiri and I still kept in close touch and we randomly started developing a concept for a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Galar Edition. These are a handful of characters we thought up, with Skipper the Scorbunny and Dross the Dreepy as the main characters, Morgrem as the main antagonist, and some shopkeepers such as those of the Greedent Bank and the Indeedee General Store. This was also my first time drawing all of these Galar Pokemon (except Scorbunny, but I also made Skipper a bit more unique than a regular Scorbunny).

Lots of events happened this month. First of all, Steven Universe Future ended, one of my favorite and most influential shows was no longer continuing. I had to do something as tribute, both as a send-off to one of the greatest cartoons in the world and as a cathartic release for my feelings towards it.

A while later, I got the opportunity to start playing an MMO in beta called Fer.al, by the same people who made Animal Jam, which coincidentally I had also beta tested for back in the day. I ended up getting really attached to my first character, a Senri I named Sasha, and though I’ve made more characters than them since, they’re still my absolute favorite. Though I haven’t touched the game in a few months, I was really engrossed for a long time and enjoyed playing through the beta and early access phases.

At the end of the month, some friends of mine invited to a roleplay group with some mutuals, and we all played characters in a crime syndicate. Just a bunch of ragtag thieves and criminals who ended up together in order to protect an artifact called the Crown of Thieves, which was essentially a flag to be taken by other groups to prove that they are the best thieves in the land. My character was based heavily on my sona (if it wasn’t obvious) and was also influenced by Cloud Strife, since the FFVII Remake had just come out and I was super into watching the cutscenes at the time. My character’s (code)name is Valkyrie, and they are a mercenary, going between multiple different employers to carry out whatever duties they need to do. They have a more complicated backstory, but presently they were recently hired by recommendation of their friend Shark (played by @shmoots-universe​ who is also My friend now ily maya) who works with a group called the Court Cards who are currently in possession of the Crown of Thieves. Valk never really had a place to call home, but staying with this group of people had to be the closest they could get to that feeling. They still sleep with a knife under their pillow because of trust issue but that’s okay.

Okay, so technically these examples started in April, but I continued making content with them in May, and the month was just pretty void of art in general, so here I am addressing them.

There were two main things I worked on this month: a Steven Universe AU of my own and the whole #sixfanarts thing that kicked off around then. Let’s start with the fanart bits. I did two and a half of them (six in April and nine in May), and it was so much fun to be able to draw stuff I don’t normally do! My personal favorites are shown here: Blake Belladonna from RWBY, Roll from Megaman, Yuki Konno from Sword Art Online, and Link from The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. The other thing I’d been planning for a while was a Steven Universe AU, probably to cope with the show being over but also because I was inspired by a lot of those SU AU artists I started following at the time. I won’t share the details here because it’s gonna have its own blog at some point, but the example I’ve shown here is of a comic I made loosely in order to introduce a divergence in the plot of the story as well as introduce a character unique to my AU. It was a lot of fun figuring out how to draw the characters and get a feel for the style.

As the year progressed, my amount of art I made per month began to dwindle, this time mostly because school was kicking my ass especially hard with finals. However, I took what time I had to get some backburner pieces finished, like the Tigerlily picture which I sketched out a couple months back, and the Gunvolt picture which I started working on SIX YEARS AGO. I don’t quite know why I got the urge to work on it again after so long, but it was nice to finally realize. The other drawing for DOTS was done in the dead of night but I was really happy with how it came out.

Despite only having two summer classes left of school, this month was really rough because they demanded a lot of my time and attention. I did not have the gumption to do anything digital, so I stuck to my sketchbook to get out what I felt like getting out.

My friends and I did a stream of the game Helltaker, and I really enjoyed the concept, so in following my friends I made my own Helltaker demon OC named Raksha the Ravenous Demon (it’s a pun but also got mythical insp). I also got super into Hazbin Hotel at this point, mostly because the Addict music video dropped and I couldn’t get enough of it, so I doodled Angel Dust cuz I felt like it. The other drawing I did was actually a free commission I gave a friend of mine as a prize for a trivia game show I ran back in June. He along with a couple other friends got some free drawings from me for getting the top three scores, and this one in particular was fun because of how interesting it was. He wanted me to draw a video game reviewer called the Irate Gamer from a specific moment, and I decided to go ham and just make it as dramatic as possible.

University classes finally wrapped up and right after that I was in the process of moving out of my apartment and getting adjusted to living with my parents again. I did a couple of agg.io drawing sessions with my friends from the Court Cards group as well as a new Dungeons and Dragons homebrew group I had joined. I drew some more of Valkyrie and came up with a design for my DND character Qakuqtuq (or Kai for short). He is monkey grandpa and I love him.

My main focus was on finishing a polished piece for my friend Cake, whose birthday was in the upcoming month. I wanted it to be as amazing as possible, so I put a lot of time into getting more detailed and making them look good. In addition to that, I did a few TOME doodles just for fun. The creature on the bottom was for this month’s art challenge on my Discord server where we made original TOMERPG monsters, and I created Hundylow, a Crystal-element monster based on the Grindylow from English folklore.

This month was a lot more productive than the past few had been. I tried to do a 31-day art challenge called Creatober but failed to get past the third prompt because I was still swamped with other work. I’m still happy with what little I did, including the piece with my characters Kyle and Guarudan from DSWD.

I don’t remember how, but I also suddenly rediscovered an old Flipnote Hatena series called Tales of LostClan, a Warriors fan series that I would say was the most obscure thing I’ve ever been super invested in. It was what got me into the actual Warriors books, and I liked it so much I redrew the animations into a comic... twice. Didn’t get nearly as far the second time but clearly my love for this little fanfiction had not waned after nearly a decade. I felt like drawing a book cover/movie poster for the series, just to get it out there and see how much I’ve improved over all that time.

Also I felt like making a vampiresona just before Halloween because I never dress up for Halloween in art (or real life anymore, for that matter), and I wanted to do something like that for once. It was short-lived but I really liked the design!

The focus of this month was definitely on Pokemon stuff. As per usual I contributed to the current Gotta Draw ‘Em All collab, and I was tasked to draw Regieleki. It was really fun to figure out how to make it stand out and look like it was made of electricity.

I also committed a lot of my spare time to my Fakemon Gym Leaders, as I had been working on bringing them to life in the past year or so now. As of this post, I’ve finished rendering their full body poses and gym badges, but I’m still working on completing all eight VS portraits, the first half of which are shown here.

I... didn’t draw anything this month, actually. What I’m showing here was worked on in the last few days but has actually been in progress for a couple of months, and I just finished it earlier today, in 2021. But I needed to show something off, and it’s also about time I mentioned it.

Back in October, I kept seeing people rave about this game called Genshin Impact, and I was interested but not so much as to start playing it... until my friends started playing and I was like “fuck it, let’s download it”. Since that day, I have been super immersed and in love with this game, to the point I came up with my own canon based on my gameplay experiences. This also included the creation of an original player character: Astra, the non-binary Traveller. And now, I’ve finally drawn them and brought them to life.

It has been one hell of a year. I had some of the highest highs and lowest lows in 2020, lots of changes, and I have now officially moved onto the next chapter of my life now that my time at university is finally over. I’m very excited for what 2021 has to offer, and I’m going to go forward with great ambition.

[identityexcavationstation]

The High Fidelity Remake is Good and my Identity is Irreversibly Linked to Music Consumption

Hi! So, I’m kinda insane about playlists.

This year I’ve made a lot of them. They’ve been short and snappy on index cards, scanned and pasted in a book and uploaded to the internet. (I’ve really fallen in love with index card playlists and they’re my thing now and I think everyone should do them always and forever.) They were easy to churn out as a retrospective exercise because the music I listened to as a teenager really defined my high school experience. Also, I have most of my favorite songs from that period in a very dramatic playlist I started in 2014 so it was really a game of copy-and-paste. 

Making these smol boys in batches has been a really peculiar experience because for years now, I’ve only made one playlist at a time. In my second semester of college, I’d officially burned myself out listening to only CHVRCHES for three months and began venturing elsewhere. (Don’t get me wrong, CHVRCHES absolutely bangs, but you can only listen to “Never Ending Circles” so many times before getting seasick.) All of the random songs I was listening to made me feel kinda hazy and purple, like I’d done all of this before. So I made a playlist full of them and called it “Deja Vu.”

I added to it all semester, and then suddenly it was summer and I didn’t feel purple and hazy anymore⁠—everything was blue and crisp on the way to South Haven as my friend blasted “Settle Down” by Kimbra in her beat-up Honda. So I started a new playlist and named it the first word that popped into my head: “Roots.”

Using Deja Vu as a rubric, I developed some ground rules for the playlists I would go on to create. They are pretty nonsensical but also exceedingly firm because if I don’t make rules for every area of my life I feel like I’m falling into a deep and limitless void. Health! Anyway, the rules are:

The playlist’s title has to be a short noun (seven letters maximum).

This has since transformed into a noun that is also a verb.

To generate a title, I ask myself what short word I would use to describe the phase of life I’m currently in. The answer comes quickly and reflexively, and I choose the very first word I think of.

One song per artist, no repeats!

Exceptions are made for artists who are featured on a track.

There have been times when I’ve obsessively listened to a whole album or an artist’s entire discography, so I have to choose just one song that represents the very best of that album or artist.

Tracks are added chronologically, based on when I first hear them and/or start listening to them compulsively.

The playlist has to contain an amount of tracks that is divisible by five.

If a song in a playlist is deleted from Spotify, I have to find a replacement asap that is accurate to what I was listening to when that playlist was being created.

and, most importantly, 

I can’t make a new playlist until I feel I’m finished with the current one.

These playlists represent seasons of my life, cycles in which I change and evolve and stagnate and fuck up and try again. The only rule I have for beginning a new playlist is that I feel done with the current one—those songs are a little stale and don’t represent me anymore. These “seasons” don’t have any set length, and I can never predict when I’ll feel like a new being who needs new songs to define her. So far, my life has looked like this:

Deja Vu - 176 days (12.03.16 - 05.28.17) Most common lyrics: now, love, time, need, take

snow that covers ivy that covers bricks, towers made from dining hall dishes, smiling at the bus stop without knowing, sheet masks in the dorm bathroom at 2am, pink string lights and pink crocheted blankets and pink shag carpeting, cheap beer behind tarps and walking everyone home

Roots - 111 days (05.28.17 - 09.16.17)  Most common lyrics: love, one, give, wanna, know

t-shirt tan lines, mozzarella and tomato and basil and singed spaghetti, sunset walks around abandoned high schools, green leaves outlined in watercolor, the smell of mildew and old paper in banker’s boxes, sweat-soaked french braids, the knife twist of eye contact, tarot readings under lamplight

Walls - 110 days (09.16.17 - 01.04.18)   Most common lyrics: wanna, know, baby, take, feel

crying in the gender-neutral restroom, pretty boys holding guitars or rolling rock, photos in the forest, blue carpeting and lofted bedframes, pitch-black bonfires, sitting in the dining hall to just watch the people pass, snow on eyelashes in large wet clumps, laughing at lies

Bite - 78 days (01.04.18 - 03.23.18)    Most common lyrics: know, love, stay, come, need

impatience at the airport, texting on the laundry room floor, nervous night drives, five grilled cheese sandwiches, acne like freckles, ceiling photos taken in secret, watercolor lines and paper houses, broken glass on the sidewalk, ink-stained forearms, notebook paper comics, writing small on basement walls

Windows - 131 days (03.23.18 - 08.01.18)   Most common lyrics: love, now, know, baby, fall

books piled up by the bed, rum and coke and orange juice and vodka and cheap white wine, rainy day night walks, streetlights turning the leaves orange, echoes from the party upstairs, solo trips to the grocery store, always leaving the blinds open, aperol and chai lattes and smørrebrød, never coming home

Grip - 136 days (08.01.18 - 12.15.18)    Most common lyrics: know, boy, lost, girl, night

read receipts, the creaking of an empty house, sand and bricks and traffic cones, sitting on the curb and shaking, applause at dinner, bubble tea, bike rides in torn jeans, mr brightside blasting at 10am, doodles during lectures, embroidery at the kitchen table, blue bus panic attacks, half an apple for lunch

Wait - 117 days (12.15.18 - 04.11.19)  Most common lyrics: heart, want, one, back, know

crying in the lobby, measuring oats by the quarter cup, drunken voice memos, shoes on power lines, another bowl of granola, reading all the lyrics, photos taken with the flash on, sleeping on strange couches, shoeboxes full of photographs, wire catching the sunlight, fifteen minutes of windchill

Wave - 108 days (04.11.19 - 07.28.19)  Most common lyrics: wanna, know, now, love, come

dancing on the porch, reading on the roof, tipsy trips to the corner store, silent heavy parlor air, chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting, barred windows and string lights and exit signs, highlighting the important parts, nails tapping on wooden tables, wet wind before the storm, biking straight into the smoke

Home - 178 days (07.28.19 - 01.22.20)   Most common lyrics: down, know, now, wanna, think

steep downhill walks, fingertips covered in graphite and lead, blank faces on green walls, forest walkways, hands gripping thighs too tightly, light leaks in darkrooms, the handwriting of strangers, chains trapped between teeth, white words left unread, twirling at the tennis court, yellow becoming blue

Hand - 63 days (01.22.20 - 03.25.20)   Most common lyrics: know, time, love, die, back

masking tape messages, laughing four shots in, BiC .07mm HB mechanical pencils slipped into coat cuffs, cheeks blushed with red ink, green floodlights and kissed knuckles, windows fogged from the inside, falling asleep with earbuds in, finger guns and everything in boxes, wedging open locked doors

_______________________________________________________________________

It’s interesting to look back at these playlists altogether, see them as self-contained units, little stories I tell about myself, about the people I used to be. Adding a song to one of these playlists was like making a vow, entering a relationship with a collection of sounds. It’s like I was saying “this song is now a part of me.” I constructed this little world for myself in the space between my ears, and it, in turn, created me.

I really mean it when I say that the first word that floats to the front of my mind becomes the title of whatever playlist I’m making. I never question what the word means, and its meaning always ends up describing that season of my life. 

“Roots” became a period of reconnecting with essential pieces of myself I thought I had abandoned. 

During “Grip,” I was holding on so tightly to things that had left me ages ago, and I think I knew that, even if I was unable to admit it to myself. 

“Wait” revealed itself in two ways: it was a time in which 1.) I felt stagnant and restless, unable to be patient, and 2.) I was forced to grasp with a physical and emotional weight that had been bearing down on me. 

The mind is a magical thing—it processes what we refuse to recognize. 

Speaking of which, these playlist covers have been driving me up the wall for ages. They’re like nails on a freaking chalkboard for my synesthesia. Is “Bite” a heavily blue playlist? Sure. But is “Home” purple? Is “Grip” pink??? I think the fuck not! 

(I could do a whole goddamn blog post on synesthesia, and I might.)

Now that I know how to switch out playlist cover art (can you believe it’s taken me this long to figure out how to do that?), I have decided to issue myself a challenge/project/way to procrastinate actual work I have to do. 

I’d like to make a piece of cover art for all of the above playlists. And because I am, to reiterate, insane, I’m setting up some Rules For Creation:

All works must be the same size, on the same type of paper using similar materials (tbd but probably graphite, colored pencil, watercolor, fineliners, and/or collage).

The preliminary sketch for each cover must be created while listening to the playlist.

Each piece can (must?) incorporate the five most common lyrics as listed above because goddammit I did not spend four hours compiling lyrics in a web-based word cloud generator for nothing.

If I’m not having fun, I won’t make myself do it because this is literally just for laffs. 

Anyway, I’m looking forward to creating some fun weird art! I know nobody is gonna read this and nobody is gonna comment but if, by some miracle, you feel like it, comment a playlist you’ve made that you’re really proud of! Or comment if you have some weird playlist rules! Or cyberbully me! Anything’s fair game. 

TL;DR playlists are fun and I’m a maniac :)

[joyfullynervouscreator]

Song of Souls (five)

[One]  [Two] [Three]  [Four]  [Five]

The sacking of Eregion

Art by Kaaile on DA

They would hold the Glanduin until they had evacuated as much and as many as could be saved from Ost-in Edhil. The civilians – Eregion could not be held, not even if reinforcements from Lindon arrived in time, Glorfindel had agreed with her – and the wagons currently being filled were loaded with everything the Elves could not bear to leave behind; the ancient road along the Sirannon was already filled with carts and Elves carrying as many possessions as they could salvage. It was at once a frantic scramble and an organized chaos, Narví thought, walking through the airy archways.

She had sent Miri back to the mountain carrying a few of her own memories of Khalebrimbur – a hand-mirror he had once made that she had engraved with Dwarven runes to annoy him; a sketch he once drew of her working on the Doors; his favourite jeweller’s hammer – small things, really, but she had felt far too sentimental when she stood in his old rooms to allow herself to leave emptyhanded.

Erestor estimated that it would take another fourteen hours to empty the city completely, so they would attempt to keep the Enemy at bay for fifteen as a minimum. Eregion did not possess many warriors, and Durin’s spare gangbûh had been marched as swiftly as possible to reinforce their numbers. Narví had faith that they could hold the land between Sirannon and Glanduin for at least half a day once they begun the retreat; the Elven bows would hopefully aid in keeping loss of life at a minimum, but none of the defenders had doubts that they might easily be facing their last hours in Middle-Earth. By the time the last of the rear-guard made it back to the Stair Falls, all the Elves ought to be safely inside Khazad-dûm, leaving only archers and those Dwarrow who would man the ballistae Durin had ordered constructed along the Gate Stream to protect their retreat. The gorge through which the Gate stream ran was narrow and easily defensible; they did not anticipate any enemy forces getting through all the way to the Doors for at least another day – if not more.  

“Can you hear them, Khalebrimbur?” Narví whispered, looking out of the window in the tower-room he had used as a conservatory, the sun slowly sinking behind her. “They are afraid – with good reason – but they have hope, now; can you hear them, wherever you are?” She tried not to wonder where exactly that was. His body could be anywhere, of course, and she had not heard his voice again since that day in the Mountain – was it really only three days hence? – but if the Valar were kind, it would have found its way to the Halls of Mandos. Narví hoped it had; the thought of his soul wandering the earth, lost and slowly forgetting all that it had once been… was unbearable. Even more unbearable than the knowledge that she would not see him again until the Remaking; at least, she had some hope she might find him again in the new world her kin would create, would see him once more, listen to the silly songs he made up when he was happy in his forge or watch him to that odd thing his people called dancing, all wavy limbs and twirling. Narví smiled to herself; that’s how she would think of him, think of him dancing with his friends and family in the Halls of Mandos – maybe he would be reborn, get to re-join his mother – think of him being happy.  

“My Lady,” Erestor interrupted her thoughts quietly. Narví turned. The Elf had dressed in full armour, a pair of twin blades – Narví recognised Khalebrimbur’s work, though the weapons looked old – strapped to his sides. On his shoulder, the star-and-holly sigil of Eregion had been fashioned into a cloak pin; she had a similar belt buckle at home, though her star was not the House of Fëanor’s symbol, but the collection of seven stars that heralded her own line.

“Erestor,” she replied, “I have told you to use my name.”

“Yes… Narví.” The Elf looked a little sheepish. Narví cast about for a different topic.

“I did not think you were a warrior?” she really hadn’t; Erestor had always been happier among scrolls and histories. He glanced out the window, looking at the wagons still being pulled towards the shelter of the Mountain.

“Not for many years, Lady Narví,” he admitted, Narví let the title slide; the Elf’s eyes seemed locked on something far away in both memory and distance. “It’s been many a summer since I last took up arms to fight the Enemy; but I shall do so once more… defend what I have cherished, even unto the end.”

“It is not the end, mellon,” Narví murmured. “We will stand victorious.”

“So much faith, in such a small body,” he murmured, but Narví did not take offense; Erestor had always been a little peculiar that way, “though, perhaps you are right. Still, I do not think we shall ever see the like of Eregion again.”

“Khalebrimbur would scold you if he heard you say so,” Narví replied, moving towards the stairway. Erestor fell into step beside her. “Renewal is the Elven way, I have always thought. You will build a better Eregion, one that is more defensible than this one, because you will be less naïve in its construction; you will know that the Enemy has not been defeated.” Moving down the stairs, she barely heard Erestor’s sigh, but when she looked up at him once more, the Elf was smiling faintly. Narví shook her head; Erestor might be pompous and somewhat pessimistic, but he had loved Khalebrimbur dearly, and she knew how much it hurt the Elves who had settled here to abandon this land where they had been happy for almost a thousand years.

“As my Lady commands,” he swore, bowing to her, and Narví heard the ring of an oath in the words. “Then let us draw steel together, Narví, in the name of Eregion.” Turning on his heel, Erestor strode from the tower, heading towards the golden shimmer that was Glorfindel, still in the courtyard giving orders.

 “You’re sending Erestor to the foothills?” Narví asked; that had not been the plan earlier, but looking at the maps Glorfindel had spread out on a table in the middle of the courtyard, pointing out the positions to his captains, Erestor’s marker had been moved.

“No!” Erestor replied, staring at Glorfindel, who looked up briefly, piercing Narví’s soul with the strength of his gaze.

“Yes, Erestor,” he said and Narví wondered when she had become so skilled at reading Elves as to notice that his calm demeanour was a screen for deep anxiety, “I need you to command our forces there, stop the Orcs from crossing the mountainsides and getting behind our lines.”

“Don’t-” Erestor began to protest, but Glorfindel held up a hand, silencing him. Narví kept her mouth shut.

“You’re taking the flank, Erestor,” he continued, running the tips of his fingers over Erestor’s fist where it lay clenched on the table. “Please.” Erestor pulled away violently.

“He would stay with you,” Narví murmured, watching Erestor stride off in what was not quite a run, “I though you meant to keep him at your side.”

“He will be safer in the flank,” Glorfindel replied quietly. “Erestor is a good fighter, I know, but I can’t…”

“You can’t bear to see him hurt, watch him fight for his life without trying to get between him and his enemy, aye, I know, Lord Elf.” Narví did not look up when the Elf gasped, keeping her eyes on Erestor’s lithe form, mounting his horse with ease. The dark-haired elf did not look back as he set off. “For your love is as plain as the gold in your hair.”

“You are perceptive, Princess,” Glorfindel murmured. Narví shook her head.

“No, Glorfindel,” she chuckled, “but you look at him the way my brother used to look at his wife when he still believed her beyond his reach.”

“It is… uncommon… among my kind, to love someone of your own sex,” Glorfindel continued, still staring after Erestor. “I did not expect to find such love when I was sent back from Valinor.”

“When did you arrive here?” she asked, turning to face the despondent elf.

“In Middle-Earth? Near a century ago. In Eregion? Only two decades,” he admitted.

“And you have not told Erestor what dwells in your heart, I wager,” Narví added, surprised by the glow that appeared in the Elf’s cheeks, staining the tips of his ears pink.

“No,” Glorfindel sighed.

“You will.” Narví laced her voice with command, as though she were speaking to a recalcitrant noble. Glorfindel chuckled. “Promise me.”

“You never told…” he began, but she interrupted him easily.

“No…” Narví sighed, “but I know what it is to wish you had said something. Before it was too late.” Giving him a shrewd look, she smiled gently, trying to mitigate the sudden fear in his ancient eyes. “You have fewer obstacles in your path than I had… And Erestor… he loves you, too.” The golden-haired elf seemed frozen beside her, a sudden breeze blowing his long hair into his face. Narví sighed.

“We should be off, too, my lady,” Glorfindel murmured, breaking the silence by picking up his helmet and securing his hair beneath it. Casting one last look at the house where she had spent so many happy days, Narví nodded.

“Aye, so we should,” she agreed, accepting the hand that helped her onto his great stallion.

  Standing on the hastily constructed earthworks they intended to use as barricades, Narví felt proud of her kinsmen. They hadn’t had much time, but these mounds of earth they had built along the south bank of the Glanduin stretched all the way to the foothills where the river cascaded down from the snowmelt of the Silvertine and made a natural barrier; the orcs would not be able to cross the rocky crags to get behind the line of defenders. Reinforced with sharpened young trees – she had sent a silent apology to Khalebrimbur when she ordered them to cut down as much wood as they needed from around Ost-in-Edhil, but Narví knew he would have approved – the earthworks now stood chest-high to an elf, and by the time the first volleys had been fired, the archers could take position behind the Dwarven vanguard and continue firing, while the axes hewed down the foes determined enough to get over the walls.

“Baruk Khazâd!” someone called, bowing to her when he recognised her.

“Khazâd ai-izdnu!” Narví replied, to great cheer. Beside her, Glorfindel pretended not to be listening, but she had caught the impressed look on his face when he saw the battlements they had managed to create in such short time. “It is our war-cry,” she explained. “In battle, we believe in prophesizing to our enemies.” Looking up, it was obvious that the Elf did not understand. Narví smiled. Khalebrimbur had once explained how Elves called upon names – either those of a higher power or heroes of the past – for courage in battle, but her people had never believed in that. “Baruk Khazâd,” she explained, twirling her broad-axe with one hand and watching the way the late afternoon sun glinted off the sharpened edge, “the Axes of the Dwarrow. Khazâd ai-menu; the Dwarrow are upon you.” Nodding at the soldiers they passed on their way to their position, Narví repeated the words several times before they got there. “Of course, our enemies do not understand our tongue – for the words are sacred and created by the Maker,” Narví continued, “but it is a terribly impolite way to address someone in our language.” Glorfindel chuckled.

  Night had fallen. Swiftly and seemingly from one moment to the next, they were under cover of unnatural darkness, dwarven eyes staring wildly at the roiling mass of bodies they would be facing. Narví did not understand why they hesitated, why they waited, why the Orcs did not attack… and then she saw it.

“No!” she didn’t hear herself cry out, her eyes wide and staring at the grisly sight moving closer to her. “KHALEBRIMBUR!” she screamed, but Glorfindel’s hands held her back, stopped her running off and hewing down the fiends that had dared treat her elf like that.

Like a horrifying parody of a banner, pale flesh had been pierced by long spears and raised up above the advancing enemy. Dark hair hung in snarls, lank and lifeless, half-way obscuring the face she knew so well. Blood had dried in streaks from wounds too numerous to count, rivulets outlining the muscles and sinew. The head lolled on the neck, boneless, broken, and Narví stuffed her fist in her mouth to stop herself screaming, the metallic taste of copper strong in her mouth as she tried not to sick up, staring at the evidence of old torture. Some of the wounds were scars, she could see, stark white and bright pink, injuries that had healed over well before whatever final blow struck his life from this earth. “Khalebrimbur…” she whimpered, wanting to close her eyes, wanting to hide from this vision and pretend it had not happened, pretend he had died in his sleep, like her father, full of days well-lived and surrounded by kin and loved ones. Around her, Dwarrow and Elves alike were snarling; if the Enemy – she would never again dignify him with a name – had thought to strike fear in their hearts with his ‘banner’, he had managed only to fan the flames of righteous fury. Around her, Narví saw vengeance shining in eyes that had been darkened by fear and doubt, saw the need for revenge rally those who had not thought war would ever touch them again.

“A Eruchîn, ú-dano i faelas a hyn an uben tanatha le faelas[1]!” Glorfindel called, as a single voice began singing. Narví did not understand the words, but the Elves around her seemed to stand straighter.

“Baruk Khazâd!” she cried, hearing her call to arms echo along the line, until the Dwarven army was chanting with one voice, a sound that she could feel rumble through the earth beneath her feet. “Khazâd ai-menu!”

“Tangado a chadad![2]” Glorfindel added, and the archers raised their bows as one; Narví felt distantly impressed with their coordination, even as her eyes remained glued to the corpse of Khalebrimbur. “Hado i philinn![3]” Glorfindel’s arm fell, a blur of gilded steel in the corner of her eye and Narví felt the rush of air as the arrows sped past her. A few of her own kin had crossbows, but they were not as swift to reload as the Elves, whose continuous firing was quickly dropping scores of Orcs.

 He heard her scream. There had been no words in his nothingness for some time, and the sound cut through his soul like knives of fire had once bit into his flesh. This was the sound of heartache, the sound of despair, and he almost did not dare consider what would have made Narví cry out such a denial.

“Khalebrimbur!” His name. It echoed in the void around him, like wolves howling in deepest winter. She was crying out for him?

“Narví!” He called, trying to reach her again, trying to tell her that he would be there, that he would make it better somehow, take away whatever hurt she was feeling and make her smile again. No sound escaped him, as the scream continued to sound around him, battering his ears like the ringing of bells and growing louder with every repetition.

 Glorfindel had stopped her leaping past their defences, stopped her going directly for the standard-bearer with his grisly trophy, but by the time the orcs reached their barrier and began to break upon the blades of the defenders like waves upon the shore, Glorfindel was right there with her.

“Baruk Khazâd!” Narví bellowed, fury in every syllable; her cry echoed by those around and behind her. “KHAZÂD AI-MENU!!”

In her hands, her axe was a living thing, hacking at flesh and biting through armour like it was mere scrap metal. Narví smiled grimly. Behind her, her personal guard were dealing out death like there was no tomorrow, and beside her, Glorfindel shone golden, as though the sun had lifted her head to pierce the night and the Enemy’s clouds just to catch in his hair. The Orcs recoiled from the sight, as much as they did from his sword, which seemed to be an extension of his arm, of his will to see them all pay for what had been done to his friend. As he swung, he sang, words Narví did not understand, but which filled her with curious joy, as though his light was touching her soul. It did not abate her fury, did not soothe her rage, her utter despair and agony unceasing as she felled orc after orc, cut down foes without counting.

Taking the standard-bearer’s head was satisfying, Narví’s teeth bared in a visceral snarl as she hacked the spears to pieces, yanking every spike of metal from the body of her Elf, barely even noticing that Glorfindel was killing every orc that got in range, keeping her safe as he had promised.

Picking up the corpse in her arms, her axe clutched in her hand as she carried him bridal-style back towards their earthworks, trusting the golden elf and her guards to watch her back and clear a path for their retreat, Narví didn’t even hear herself whispering soothing words into ears that could not hear her, telling him that it would all be alright, she would take care of him, keep him safe.

Narví’s tears did not fall, her anger burning too hotly for grief to become water in her eyes.

“It’s alright, Izgilê,” her voice murmured, “I’ve got you, everything will be fine. I am here, I’ve got you.”

Celebrimbor would have sworn he could feel a metal-covered hand stroking his hair, as he listened to the sound of her voice; it would have been soothing, he thought, if not for the knowledge of what she was carrying, the knowledge that she would see all that had been done to him; the image of his last years as a physical being also the last image she would have of him.

Weeping with eyes that conjured no water, Celebrimbor sank down onto the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees and hiding his face.

Please don’t remember me like that, my Narví, he whispered, but the plea made no ripple in the void.

 [1] O Children of Eru, Show them no mercy, for you shall receive none! [2] Prepare to fire! [3] Release arrows!

@life-is-righteous @pandepirateprincess @mainecoon76  @sassytyphoondetective