#its a poem from Clarkes perspective to Bellamy

[love-conquers-everythingg]

The Fall

Falling.

We were falling before we even met. When we did meet, it was in a hurricane, a clash of emotions and devastation.

The Ground

Treason, murder, theft.

None of it matters here.

What’s wrong with a little chaos you once asked me.

Nothing, and everything.

We fought like cats and dogs for a while, until you showed me your true colors.

Colors I never knew existed until I met you.

We did good, once we started to get along that is.

“Have a drink.” You smiled at me that night, and I’d never felt like that before.

I don’t know if you remember that you once asked me to run away with you. I do, and sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I had said yes.

Forgiveness.

It all started that night.

I forgave you wether you deserved it or not.

The War

War made us murderers.

Took the lives of so many of our friends.

You sacrificed yourself and I had to pull the lever.

The first of many.

Fire, smoke, and then you were gone.

The Mountain

Scared.

I remember being scared when I woke up alone. Confused too. Where was I? Who was I now that you were gone.

I tried to be brave. I tried so hard, for them, but thoughts of you and those unaccounted for wrecked me.

We were finally safe.

Not all of us, though. Not you.

I had to find you, I had to know.

Getting to where we lived was hard, but seeing you, running to you, hugging you. That was coming home, and that was as easy as breathing.

Alliances and sacrifices were made. Some unforgivable, but that’s not our thing, our thing is forgiveness.

Weakness, love, it’s the same thing, isn’t it?

My mother told me I wouldn’t be able to wash my hands clean after what I did, or really what I didn’t do. I put so many people lives in danger, but, I’d kept you safe.

I had faith in you, I cared for you, and I was right to trust that you’d get the job done. You did.

It was my faith in others that led us to that impossible choice.

I had to save them, and you understood why. You placed your hand over mine and whispered “Together.” We pulled the lever and saved our loved ones.

At what cost though?

The Aftermath

The mountain destroyed who I was and made me who I am. Or maybe I was always this.

Destroyer of worlds.

I don’t know which is true, all I know is that if I must command death, it is you who must command life.

Hurt and angry and half in love with you I left. Left you and them, and a piece of myself back home. I didn’t realize it then, but I took a piece of you with me when I walked away, never glancing back.

Together.

That word rang in my ears. I bore it, you shouldn’t have had to.

I was in danger, captured, and I thought this was the end for me.

Then I saw you, and my heart dropped. You came for me. Then when you were the one in danger I begged and pleaded for your life. I couldn’t loose you too. I was taken away and I’d never regretted leaving more.

When you and I are separated we make mistakes.

I’ve never known that more than during this time. I know you felt that too.

I was a bad guy, when I needed to be. You thought you were a bad guy too. Though I’ve never seen you that way.

Lost, misguided, sure, but bad guy? Never.

I trust you.

The real bad guys, they know it too. So they used it against me, wanted to start with you, but it ends with you, right there holding my hand, promising to protect me and keep me safe.

Another lever, another choice.

She’s trying to make me stop, so she say our word.

Together.

When I hear it I know what I must do.

The Fire

We were doomed from the start. When I think of everything stacked against us, I could cry. I do cry. Only when I’m alone. I’m a leader, though I never wanted to be. You help with that, shoulder the weight with me. I can never thank you enough for that.

We center each other, that’s what they say. When the hard call has to be made, you’re the heart and I’m the head. Together we work, but separate, we’re just missing something.

Everyone seems to realize that, or at least most people.

When they threatened your life, I had no choice.

You are more than worth the lives of those fifty people on that list. That’s stupid, horrible list.

Your name was the easiest to write, mine on the other hand, I just couldn’t.

You could though, and you wrote my name under yours. That night will always haunt me for many reasons.

When I tried to save you, you looked at me as if I’d done the opposite. You always were so damn stubborn.

Again, you made me choose, you or the fate of the world. A warning shot rang through the stairwell, but I could never pull the trigger once it was aimed at you. You knew that.

Forgiveness, again. We’re getting good at it.

When I sacrificed myself to save you again, it wasn’t a hard choice. A sad choice, yes. A scary one, of course, but hard? No.

“Don’t wait.”

I watched you go, and I was just glad I could get it done in time for you to live.

The Distance

Life was hard after you were gone. So hard. When I couldn’t go back home, I almost gave up hope.

Hope, another thing you promised me.

I was completely alone, just me and the ghosts of everyone left behind. Until I wasn’t alone.

Meeting her was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved her, cherished her, taught her for years. Just me and her. I missed you, of course I did, I drew you, all of you. Told her stories about you too.

She thought it was silly when I talked to you. I talked and talked and talked, and knew you weren’t listening, but I hoped. I always had hope.

Space

Six years later. You’re so different, but still the same. Your face is a little fuller and my hair’s shorter. You have a new family, and so do I.

I love her.

She reminds me so much of you, and the others that I loved before. You and I used to be so close, and now it’s almost like we’re strangers.

I’m in danger again, thinking no one will rescue me. Just to prove me wrong yet again, I look up and there you are. When she asked you if I was worth the lives of 283 people, you looked at me and said without hesitation. “She is.”

After all this time you still choose me, and I, well....

The Betrayal

The heart and the head were whole once again. Although so much time had passed, everything, everyone seemed so different. You and I however, we still worked. Up until you made that choice.

I don’t blame you now, I understand. You did what you thought was right, to save us all, to save her, your child.

I understand, I do. But she is mine and I couldn’t risk it, not when yours was so far gone.

I made the wrong call that night, and I did something I’d never imagined I would do.

I put you in danger, and I left.

The End of Life As We Know It

I made some more mistakes, how could I not, we weren’t together.

Please don’t think when I left that it was an easy choice to make. It was not. I care about you. I’ve always cared.

Then I heard the most wonderful news, you were alive.

Still mad at me, you helped my child make the right call. You were the good guy, the guy I always knew you were.

Soft words, and kind eyes give me hope as you walk away from me, inviting me to the meeting.

When sleep comes, I tuck in my daughter and go to bed, happy that we were finally safe, despite all of our wrong choices.

Everything was different now, but at least we were all together.

When I wake you, years later, your sleepy “hi” makes me smile. I’m just as confused as you are until we hear from an old friend, and meet a new one. As we stare at our second chance together, my head on your should we cry. I’ve never been happier, and I’ve never been sadder.

The Fresh Start

You not only trust me to join you on the ground, you try and help everyone else see. The eclipse doesn’t help, in fact it only messes everything up.

When we met the new people, we tried. We tried so hard to be the good guys. The only thing I’m glad came out of all it was the lanterns.

Once upon a time I chose you. Again and again and again. I thought I always would.

You were my world.

My heart.

The first time that I didn’t choose you, the one time that I couldn’t-

You are my heart, but she is my soul.

I’m sorry. So sorry. I can’t ever tell you how truly sorry I am.

When I do, you give me that look, give me that smile and pull me in close.

Forgiveness.

Relief.

Your sigh mixes in with mine and it echoes in my bones.

I love you.

The three words we don’t say. Together.

The one word we do.

My Death

I’d never been to a dance before, at least not one like this. I was trying to have fun, for once- and when I did, well, it just didn’t end well.

I thought after my death, I would finally be at peace.

I was wrong.

Neither of us were at peace. In fact, you were inciting a war.

I didn’t see it all, just a fraction of your grief. But what you did for me, everything you risked to save me, that I saw that.

And you did, you save me. Again. When your hands held mine everything felt better.

After putting my life on the line yet again, we didn’t the impossible. We made it yet again.

Not all of us.

Not my mother.

Not your father.

When our eyes linked in the crowd of people, I felt my vulnerability flood from my body. You’ve always been able to draw it out of me.

Walking towards one another, we hugged yet again.

We did better this time.

You believe it, and I want to.

This should be easier, losing people after all this time. It never gets easier.

6/102 left.

[t100ficrecsblog]

an interview with sapphictomaz (they/them) what are you working on right now? Right now I’m working on finishing a fic called “toward eternity,” a canon divergence fic that features an immortal Murphy. There’s only one more chapter that I need to write and post, which feels weird, since I’ve been working on this one fic for the past three months or so. It’s been a long process consisting of obsessing over immortality lore and reading old wiki pages to refresh my memory of plotlines from seasons ago, but it’s also been really fun to completely immerse myself in one project. In that sense, I almost don’t want it to end - once the full fic is out there, and it’s all finished, it’s going to be hard to let it go. I’m going to miss it, but I’m also excited for people to read it in all its glory.

what’s something you’d like to write one day? This is tough - I don’t have a well of ideas to draw on. When I get a good idea for a fic, I generally plan and write it right away, rather than dwell on it. I tend to obsess over my ideas, too, so while I’m writing one fic it’s very difficult to think of a plot for another one. Still, I have been toying with the bare bones outline of a mythology au fic, where Murphy would be an exiled & fallen god and Bellamy is an unsuspecting mortal that gets dragged along on his quest to save the universe. This may or may not ever get written, but the idea and universe that goes along with it makes me smile.

what is the fanwork you’re most proud of? Definitely a fic I wrote called “i’d still choose you.” It’s a mythology au where a mortal Bellamy goes on a quest to save his best friend from the Underworld, only to fall in love with cursed demigod named Murphy and save several people’s lives along the way, mostly by accident. I normally write from Murphy’s perspective, but for this fic I wrote from Bellamy’s point of view, which was challenging because I feel less in touch with his character, but I’m really proud of the way he, and the whole universe, turned out. Greek mythology has been something I've loved for years, so it was a lot of fun melding the world of those myths with the world of t100. At the time, it had also been my longest fic I’d ever written, and I got really great feedback on it, so it’s something that makes me smile whenever I think about it.

why did you first start writing fic? Honestly, I think because I daydream a lot. I started writing fic back in 2012 or so, originally for a book series I was reading at the time called “House of Night.” A character was killed off in the series, and I wanted to ‘fix’ that plotline. I originally imagined lots of scenarios in which that character could have lived, and then one day, I sat down and just wrote out one of these scenarios. Literally the definition of “if the author isn’t going to do it right, then I will.” Only after writing that first fic did I realize that this was something other people did, too, and after I read a lot more fic, it gave me the courage and inspiration to post my own. Luckily for me, I’ve gotten a lot of good comments over the years, which makes it easier to keep going.

what frustrates you most about fic writing? I think the expectations around it. I love feedback and interaction with readers, of course, but there have been times when I feel pressured to update and post in a certain time frame, or if updates aren't long enough I feel bad about that, too. That's my own fault, more than anything. I have to remind myself that fic writing is done for free, and the only expectations I have to rise to are my own. If I'm happy, then it works - but often this is easy to forget.

what are your top five songs right now?     Capable - the Wild Reeds

Famy - Ava

There’s Still a Light in the House - Valley

Give Yourself a Try - the 1975

First - Cold War Kids

what are your inspirations (books, songs, other fic)? Songs are definitely my biggest inspirations for fics. Almost every single fic I write has its own soundtrack that I listen to while writing. Poetry is also a big inspiration for me. I think a lot of the time, a mixture of both song lyrics and poetry lines inspire me the most. For instance, in my current project "toward eternity," I was heavily inspired by the song "When The Angels Sing," by Social Distortion. I also was heavily inspired by Emily Dickinson's poem "Because I Could Not Stop For Death." The very last line of that poem ("I first surmised the Horses' Heads / Were toward Eternity") inspired the title and general themes. So, it's a combination of listening to songs and reading poems at the same time.

what attracts you to Murphamy? what first attracted you? I think I was attracted to Murphamy because I love Murphy, and I think a lot of Murphamy fans would feel similarly. Murphy's been my favourite character throughout the entire series. When looking at his character arc and journey throughout the show, it's impossible to study it without seeing the impact Bellamy has had on him. Especially during earlier seasons, they've had such a fascinating push-pull dynamic with each other that I love to explore in fic. It was during the cliff scene in 2x04 that I really noticed this - that scene is so ripe with symbolism that I still watch it to get inspired. And, I mean, who doesn't like a good, well-developed enemies-to-lovers?

Besides Murphamy, what’s your favorite ship in t100? Clexa, for sure. I loved Lexa even before Clexa happened, and then when it did, I was so invested in their relationship and dynamic that, five years later, I'm still obsessed with them. Since I mostly write Murphamy, I do my best to include at least a crumb of Clexa in all my fics because I love them so much. Another t100 ship I really love that I wish got more attention is Remori! I think they're really fun together and bring out the best in each other, and most of all, they support and encourage each other to be better. They're a really interesting pair I wish we saw interact more.

how did you first decide you wanted to write for the Chopped challenge? My friend Elle (hopskipaway) introduced me to it, actually! She'd been an active participant before I had ever heard of it, so I started following it through her. I first wrote for the Holiday Exchange challenge, which was really cool. I'd been in fic exchanges before, but I liked that the Chopped element made it so the fics were specifically tailored to what the participants wanted to see. The environment was really encouraging and supportive, which influenced me to sign up for the Chopped March Madness, too, which was lots of fun!

what’s your Chopped! process like? or is it different every round? This is going to sound weird, but honestly, my Chopped process is...not having a process. I read the list of tropes & ships that have to be included, and then I leave it completely alone for at least a day. Generally I form a base idea just looking at the trope list, but even if I don't, I let them ruminate in my head and then after a while, a plot idea comes to me. I think taking a step back from the pressures of a challenge like that allows me to be fully creative, which in the end, results in a better end product.

what are some things you’d like to recommend? There are so many lovely other fic authors out there I couldn't name them all if I tried. Still, some of my all time favourite authors on ao3 are: blueparacosm, hopskipaway, oogaboogu, sadie18, & maunwocha. They've all got lots of lovely writing that I thoroughly enjoy, and I've had the pleasure to get to know them all, and they're lovely people, too. They all deserve the most love and support possible.

as always, I am delighted to interview another member of the popular Murphy-centric fic-writing conglomerate. they all have such different styles and are so excellent in their own way! “toward eternity” is on my weekend reading list to re-read and comment on every chapter, but “you can bloom again” was the first sapphictomaz fic I ever read and remains my favorite. It’s Harper/Clarke and was written for Chopped!, and at the risk of sounding cliched, it’s a very fresh take on both of these characters. Also, a road trip at the end of the world. you can find them on Twitter here, or find them here on Tumblr @lexasheart.