#its a lil repetitive its like they dont actually have a lot of ideas for him which is unfortunate

[deucegorgonz]

many g3 deuce thoughts lately I wish his main outfit had a jacket similar to the biker one with the snake-scale sleeves he had in the movie . Like. If they ditched the camo shirt n made some SMALL adjustments..

[daaziscoolbesties]

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

[jjinomu]

I know I'm not speaking for all of us asking for the ships, but I know I ask just because I dont have a personal computer or your models(and your models are literally the best, there is no contest). So when this whole thing started I was just happy to see all these different ships without all the hate... It was really nice but really you need a break^^; Q&A: are there any games that you're really into?

aw man NAH i feel bad for overdramaticising the situation since im honestly p chill about it, the only annoying thing was the abundance like wth where n how n why and the repetition,,,,,,,,, like i picked the asks i could and wanted to reply to bc others were kinda…. rude or………………….. repeated HAHAHA

an issue that arose predominantely was how i started to like idk run out of ideas??? like i mean ppl send ship asks expecting like cute kisses or hugs but i’ve never been that kinda person so i morph it into smth to play with in a joking mostly platonic manner but some ppl aren’t satisfied with that so then they have to ask for specifics and im like this is a Chill lil thing that im just doing bc its funny yknow if u want handsdown specificity u can do it urself otherwise im gna be real uncomfortable w that but i’ll comply anyway bc i’ll feel bad if i dont lawllulul

but thank u aaa im glad you liked my models nonetheless!!!! i do appreciate every single ask i got (except for the rude ones fuck those gna pretend they dont exist) and it’s not like im not grateful or like super pissed off at these shippy kinda asks, bc i will still reply w a silly shippic anyway ehehe but i guess it was just getting a lil outta hand that it’s taking up my spare time and im scared i might spam people’s dashboards w them??? (which is why i try to reply to all during the time when a lot of people would be asleep hhhe…e..he…)

OTHERWISE Q&A i actually haven’t been playing games at all for a long ass time bc ive been so focused on school AHHAAH though honestly, right now i only play like silly games like battle cats??? LMAOOO AHAHA and lovelive i redownloaded and play sometimes when im bored asf on the train!!! AND i know some of my pals r trying to get me to play overwatch (bc its free weekend!!) so i’m giving that a go in a bit and denying my uni responsibilities hehe but das all i got man im pretty non-gamery

[blookmallow]

some observations about suspiria mostly about set design/symbolism. lots of me rambling about colors

im probably looking too far into things w/ a lot of this i just like speculating. this ended up being like an entire fuckign essay i am sorry this is so much :’ )

- WATER KEEPS SHOWING UP as i mentioned before and i am nOT sure why,

the film begins and ends with massive amounts of rain

madam markos supposedly died in a fire, fire is the opposite of water

we also see this shot at the end where suzy escapes into the rain while the witches are being burnt up inside

my guess is just. the usage of water/fire bc water is a cold, purifying substance; water cleanses, washes away, puts out flame, while fire is destructive, produces smoke, kills

but then we also have these little demon things spitting out water and the building itself soaked in water too

so i think theres a lil bit of water as distortion/blurred senses/confused perception / water as mystical as well as water as purifying/cleansing 

- blood. horror films do tons of things with blood but whenever blood shows up in suspiria it tends to be like.... very, very bright, which draws your attention strongly to it and gives it a kind of otherworldly sense - might just be an aesthetic thing, or like. how people say witnessing horrific violence in real life feels surreal and impossible so they’ve accentuated it here to heighten that feeling

the distortion of visuals/sound/etc tends to get the most intense/the highest level of surreal dreamstate feeling when something mysterious/something violent/something otherworldly is happening so that might be related 

- shifting perspectives- a lot of the time when someone was afraid or the music was doing the Danger thing the camera angle would suddenly move and swoop around like a ghost which. again i dont know if that Means Something or is just an aesthetic thing but for me it gave the impression that something was watching them/something unseen was present in the space and it was a rly neat thing

- sound becomes Very Loud and chaotic and overwhelming when characters are scared; really good use of sound to create anxiety, i also could never quite tell whether the characters could hear the sounds or not (there was one instance where sara heard something and was looking around fearfully, i heard the raspy singing/loud theme music thing going on but then she reveals she heard snoring which was lost under the soundtrack so i didnt hear that. so its sort of implying when that sound happens she’s hearing something but not the same thing im hearing)

the main theme plays over and over and over so it gets stuck in your head, im guessing maybe that theme is supposed to signify magic/the witches/Weird Shit is Happening/Someone’s Gonna Die like. the jaws theme/the halloween theme/etc but this one seemed particularly. persistent to the point that its kinda making my head spin at this point 

though repetitive sound/melodies also heightens anxiety and the whole fever dream aesthetic too 

- pink, red, blue, and white. color is huge in this film but i cant tell if any particular color is supposed to have any particular significance (theres also a lot of green and yellow but i didnt notice anything significant enough to connect those to) 

the outside of the building itself is red (except in one shot it looked suddenly really pink, i think that was right before the dog attack??) red usually symbolizes blood, violence, rage, sometimes passion, etc 

i ended up with a ton of shots of this hallway just bc its.....so good,

the “red room” was where suzy was told to go practice (i dont remember it actually ever being shown though? unless i just forgot or it wasnt actually colored red), the stern teacher lady was shown in a mirror with a red wall behind her and like. red showing up behind her happened a lot (they all turn out to be witches so im not sure why it was specifically her) (coulda been to make the audience suspect her In Particular when in reality its all of them)

the girls are all dressed in white, which usually symbolizes innocence and/or purity- they become drenched in red/pink when they die (suzy also threw a blanket over the bat before she killed it, im not sure if the blanket was white or pink bc of lighting but red seeped through it from the dead bat) 

there’s also the white sheets in the temporary dorm hall that suddenly turn red when the lights go out 

white seems to be a kind of canvas for other colors to be shown against 

pink shows up a lot but i couldnt quite figure that one out, mostly red/blue seemed to be the main colors playing against the white 

im not sure what building this was but this was where i noticed Pink kept happening 

water washing away red 

im not sure what this was?? because i thought it was wine but. the color and consistency was super weird when she poured it out 

n then sara goes out into the hallway, which is flooded with red light that seems to follow her as she leaves

she becomes practically drowned in red just before her death

then we have this neat shot where she moves from the red hallway to the blue room and the shift in colors is projected onto her body because of the white dress

into complete blue light

the sound is also LOUD and frantic when she’s in red light, and the sudden cut to blue here also completely cuts the sound to total silence; i noticed red/LOUD, blue/silence happened several times after that (maybe it also was before, i didnt notice)

every time she smashes a window there’s a sudden violent flash of red light that illuminates her (red could also = pain and mental distress) 

im not sure what blue signifies though, blue in contrast to red is cool and pleasing, comforting, calm, but this place isn’t safe or comforting nor does she feel calm or safe in this moment so i have. no idea 

the window above her appears pink or maybe light purple, it looks like a way out but ends up being the window to her death so maybe the mixture of red/blue danger/safety could be there but. again i dont think blue = safe either

i noticed death-via-window happening a lot too

but like. this side is also blue. so. i have No Idea

blue and red blending together over white after the bat scene

leaving a still/quiet/blue room to go into the red/chaotic noise (i think the sound started at the exact same moment the light became visible too)

red and blue seem to be at war with each other over the set after this point 

red hallway with blue stained glass panes (and there was a lightning flash here too that flooded the room with blue light for a second)

this time the still/quiet room has red glow in it, the first color we see in the mystery door into the witches’ chamber is blue (and it was the blue iris that opened it) 

flashing red and blue on the witches themselves, i took screenshots so id remember what i was gonna say but now i forget if it was rapidly flashing between colors or if there was specifically a blue flash when she drank from the cup 

escaping into rain but surrounded in red 

i dunno. im not a film major im just a person who likes movies and colors :’) i could be totally off on all of this, maybe none of it means anything and its all just aesthetics, maybe it does mean something and i missed it entirely, i hav no idea but. anyway. there’s my accidental 15 page essay on suspiria and colors thank u goodnight

[matthew-eleventhirty]

so i spoke to jill and this is the first time she didnt completely bitch on me, like i told her about the blog and what i kinda wrote and how its gotten so repetitive but helps me deal with the fact i cant text you all this stuff. she asked if i would ever show you and i said no unless you didnt believe me when i say i still love you or if say we were to get back together and we were like hanging out and you needed some reassurance that i still love you so much and that you are more than enough for me. i told her that these are all raw feelings and some things i would be hesitant to let you read but i feel that i shouldnt hold back my experience especially since this is how i always felt. i told her that i mentioned i never felt 100% comfortable around your family and she said okay maybe then dont show him. i told her that its not something youve never known and how ive always been so honest with you. like when your mom was talking about politics and i kinda tensed up and you took over the convo or when i went to vanessas house and when i was in a convo you would jump in. at first i hated it it drove me crazy because i was trying to get to know them but after you told me its because you knew that was a hard thing for me to do. and she said that was absolutely adorable of you. she also said that she misses you a lot. she misses sitting on the couch while we watch “stupid” shows and you explaining every little detail. it was cute. i wasnt the only person who loves and misses you, my family loves and misses you too. she just didnt want to tell me earlier because she didnt know how i would react. she also said somehting to me that made me feel a lot better about this whole thing. if im being honest, ive gotten really crazy, like whenever i go on insta i always check to see if youre on too. its weird but comforting its the only thing i have of you actively still. im so sorry if i do end up showing you this and you think im crazy but maybe i am? but anyway i stayed up all night the day before my chem final studying and i noticed you werent on for a while so i figured you went to sleep. i never ever post stories to my finsta and i did this night so i wanna say a notification went out mentioning that i posted a story. you were the second person to see it so i guess once you saw the notification you checked. it made me feel better about this, like maybe you were checking to see if i was out or how i was doing or something, but it felt like okay he still cares. when i told jill that she agreed with me on how you still cared and that it was good. i just wish i knew how you felt. i dont want to be the fool who was waiting this whole time to find out you actually didnt care. but jill also brought up a good point that i havent thought of in a while. when i was freaking out and going through our texts over and over and over again, the words you chose whether you thought about them or not did show a little of your intentions. it was just the actions that threw me. but words like “separated” and “if you want to end it all completely” and how you really need this for you. i just read over our messages, im sorry i was so mean and selfish, i just going through the motions ya know? every day felt like forever and i do still wake up every morning hoping for a call from you. i just never knew how i could get through another day without talking to you. i think the only reason i havent called yet was because this is keeping me from it. jill said that you probably do wanna call me or text me, but youre nervous to because we agreed at the end of the semester. youre probably sitting there hoping id call you too in the back of your head and maybe were both sitting here like uuhh end of the semester. the way she talked to me tonight it feels like right after your last final youll call.. it would be really cool if you did. i mean then we could figure everything out. it seems like a much bigger possibility that you would need more time, but i just want to hear your voice again. i wanna see you i wanna give you a hug and pull any sadness or worry out of you. i wanna be on talking terms with you because i definitely do not like this. i cant see you jumping for the phone once you get out, but i could see you thinking about it. reading over our messages i hate myself. i was so mean to you i was so selfish i wasnt as understanding as i was right away compared to a few days later. i wanted to but i just felt this huge weight on my heart and i felt it breaking and i had no idea what to do. i hope you havent moved on. i hope im still yours in your head. maybe at first glance i have been showing you that i moved on, but look a lil deeper. i havent, in fact i think i miss you more now than ever before. its been a month and i still think about you every day and still wanna love you and get married and have babies. if that was too quick for you im sorry, i just never saw a future with someone more than you. i was really really selfish. i mean i kept thinking about the work ive done and discrediting all the things that you have done for yourself. it takes courage to let someone you love go for the sake of yourself. it doesnt sound courageous it sounds obvious to do but it is not an easy task. i mean that aside everything else youve done. im looking at it as okay this is what you have this is what you have to do, but its probably much easier to say to do it than to actually have it and get it done. i probably shouldve recognized that more. i mean i see it first hand every day. but i cannot stress how proud i was and how proud i still am of you trying therapy trying to get a schedule trying to do the thing that you have to do for yourself all while working to keep me happy. thank you for that. it took me a little bit longer to see and its not something thats easy for me to stay completely calm with because of the type of relationship we have, but please know that i do want to. i didnt want to put the blame on you above having to work with you for this for so long for you to dump me. i should have never added that burden onto you. i never would take back those six months, i never would ever want you to think i just did that because we were in a relationship, i want you to know that i did try working with you because i wanted to. it was brave of you to tell me all these things. youre very prideful and i can only imagine what it took for you to even bring this stuff up with me. i should have been much more level-headed and understanding. i wish i could have made you happier, i wish i couldve been a stronger girlfriend for you, i wish you didnt have to go through all of that alone for so long. im happy you told me though, im happy you were mature enough to do something so risky for the sake of you and us. it shows me who you are as a person. (just next time can we try to work together, im just thinking hypotheticals but if we were married or had a family and needed time to step back... i dont know how that would play out.) for that tho im praying you learned a new way to calm yourself down when things got overwhelming or maybe a new hobby so if you started to feel sad or needed time away from life you werent just sitting in bed becuase although that might feel great it does more damage than anything else. im praying you learned more about what causes this, whether its a big paper coming up, or a grade thats expected, or maybe you slipped in one class and now youre slipping in another that makes you not want to do any work. something so that when it does happen you can be like no i know this pattern lets try to subside it. thats ultimately what i want you to be able to do and maybe this break was what you needed the most. i should've known better tho, i shouldve known that you werent yourself and things were off and it wasnt something wrong with me but something wrong with you. i mean the signs were there. not jillian or carols signs but they were there. i cant wait to hear about everything that youve done! im so excited to hear form you again. i hope its sooner rather than later, but either way id be happy. i love you so much and ill always love you with all of my heart, never think that i wont please.

[nottebuio3006]

I seem to be in a considerably better place this morning with all of this Rebecca business now. It's all officially drifting to the rearview, much faster than I expected. I think all the typing about it to Tumblr and my notebooks and stuff really worked wonders for my emotions...and just getting rid of them. And, assuming I'm "lucky" this week and I manage to actually avoid contacting her in any way, shape, or form (i.e. instagram, email, texts or calling, or showing up) then I think I, in my own way, will have "won" the battle.

Now I understand it might sound wrong to try and say I'm eager to win... but , I dunno, after being so wronged like this I guess I realize I sort of want "revenge" and this seems like the best type of revenge. To just basically do exactly what she did, and give her nothing further. To be honest I'm regretful I even gave her what I did ... 3-4 phone calls, a voicemail, 2 emails.... 4 texts. Again though like I said yesterday: Considering how often we talked and how random this cut was, I think she's sitting there in absolute shock that this was all she received. I think she really was expecting 100 of each! She got next to nothin', really, and now she's gonna get even less. Now she's really gonna get nothing...cause all my emotions I essentially just drained using my trusty notebooks, which I know is something she simply does not understand. See I tried to tell Rebecca many times about the beauty of keeping a journal, or a blog, or anything written, in order to expel negativity et cetera. She always thought it was kinda ridiculous. Now though I can almost see her sitting here and in the back of her head shes maybe realizing..."hes prolly just making a fuckin story outta this whole thing." And indeed I have. This entire Rebecca incident stole an entire week of my writing but ... meh.....it was interesting to write about, even if it did get repetitive. In fact I think it's one of the "warmest" things I've written in years. It actually all seems relatable and real in respect to my usual vampire hunter, elf wizards, etc stories.....

So yeah. I think I somehow got rid of most of the grief. The panic has definitely mostly vanished. Am I still deeply upset, shocked ,surprised, findig it hard to believe...wishin my old pal was back? Am I still curious where it might have gone had she not ranodmly cut it?? Yes. Definitely. But mostly I find that I have selfish reasons for missing Rebecca. Like I am not sure I miss her for "her" so much but rather just because I enjoyed having a female in my life, as a friend. I live a sorta awkward life so it can be hard to meet girls,even just as friends and even if I tell them I'm gay or bi etc. But now Rebecca has maybe taught me that my previous assumptions about girls (that I made before meeting her) were all sorta ...mistaken. There are poor girls out there who don't go shopping all day everyday and want Louis Vuitton purses and just scream and yell if they don't have them. So maybe I can somehow find a way to meet another chick and this time just be openly and completely gay w/ her and have a new .. better... bestie. If I can find that girl it'll be an even better relationship than I had with Rebecca ... far better ... but I just dont know WHERE I would find her. There's gotta be somewhere. I'm sort of thinking Twitter but then again I want a local. Its challenging...which is why I'm so nervous about this deep dwon ...I basically just think that no other girl will ever talk to me as much as Becca did..... and I don't want any dude friends jajaja.

Becca didn't always like her life but she had a good thing going on around her: She had a pretty nice, empty house she could always invite you into, any day of the week, the house was stocked with her daddys' never ending wine bottles, she had cars and was (often) willing to drive, she would always cook for you...she had an inground pool... Rebecca had a lot of positives and "add ons". Often I did not take any advantage of them (I literally only texted w/ her this entire summer, for example) but they were still there. Often times you meet people and they only want to come to your house...theirs is closed...etc... so I am worried I'll never find someone with a life as open as hers again. I'll nevr find a girl with an open life again. This is my big fear. I am just really stuck now on this idea that I want a female friend, if not mnay of them. I just wish it was easier to find. Ive got no fucking idea how to find it....  

The irony of this of course is that, if you look at the last convo I had with Becca before she did the Cut (I published it on the Blog) you will see that this was, oddly enough, *exactly* what I was discussing w/ her. I had been trying to tell her how she made me realize, for the first time since I was in middle school, just how annoying I have often found havig nothing but male friends. I tod her I was very grateful to have her as a friend...cause she was a girl et cetera. I suppose this may have "offended" her . Well if it did I htink shes sorta close minded and ridicuous. I also think she doesn't understand just how much of a fucking challenge it can be for a dude who isn't "flamboyantly gay" to have a proper femme friend.

It isn't easy and depending on where you are in life it's , like I'm saying, next to impossible to meet.  Since I am not flamboyantly gay I am not in circles of hairdressers or tanning salon workers to meet girls... =p. I don't think I would necessarily mind that sort of society; It just that I never wound up falling into it. I am not all that straight acting now, but I'm almost 28. When I was younger I was into different things and very straight acting. I was terrified of my own homosexual ideas until I ws about, let's say, 24. I was never by any means the most masculine of dudes but I was never thought of as gay either. I still don't really think I'm read as gay, even though I haven't dated a girl in almost a decade, and I think this is one reason Rebecca was maybe getting aggravated w/ me and I didn't realize it. I don't think she really likes men who don't "Seem gay". I think it honestly disturbed her that i come off to her as masculine but kept talking about my interest in the LGBT lifestyle. Again, the literal last thing I said to her before she cut me off was about my interest in th e LGBT world. I had literally said "I just wonder how one would make the initial break in ..to the culture....I just wonder how..." And then she went poof....

So in a way this almost now brings up th eidea that Rebecca has perhaps shot a massive arrow of sorts at my own recent "security " with my growing homosexuality. She has sort of made me feel a bit insecure about it *all over again* since she seems to have cut me out for trying to delve deeply into the subject w/ her. I am not sure how I am really going to react to it. In one sense I seem to feel a sort of strength, as though I am wearing armor now, because of the homosexuality...and on the other I feel like I want to run in the other direction, and not be gay, and chase her. Which is kind of weird? It's almost like the dude who wants to keep calling Becca isn't the queer in me...it's the straight...and the boy who is just shrugging it off... thats my gay self. Does it make sense? Maybe not. I just think it's to say that I'm deciding to run with the gay self here,. With DA BAD BITCH! And da bad bitch don't need shit to do with Becca jajajaja...

--signing out for now ...Lil Kim on blast....

[mosmodre]

All The Numbers

camryn is this u.

1: Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? closed wtf
2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? if they smell nice
3: Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? idk rlly i wrap the bloanket arohnd my feet so its secure so both kinda
4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before? no
5: Do you like to use post-it notes? for marking pages in books and textbooks ya
6: Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? YEAH ALL THE TIME IM AWFUL. although im going to use ones i got 2 yrs ago finally
7: Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? bear bc i would die
8: Do you have freckles? yes lil ones across my nose
9: Do you always smile for pictures? i die inside for pictures
10: What is your biggest pet peeve? small repetitive noises? but thats the misophonia so idk
11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk? usually when i panic
12: Have you ever peed in the woods? LMAO ya
13: What about pooped in the woods? no
14: Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? yea
15: Do you chew your pens and pencils? no but i break those lil clips off of them. makes people think im angery
16: How many people have you slept with this week? no
17: What size is your bed? double
18: What is your Song of the week? time is running out by muse . im Loving it
19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Yes
20: Do you still watch cartoons? sometimes
21: Whats your least favorite movie? GOD I CANT REMEMEVR but i was very disappointed by abolutely fabulous:the movie
22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? ibwould eat it
23: If you’re a girl, bra size? If you’re a guy, pants size? im neither wtf this doesnt Apply
24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in? The Chup
25: What is your favorite food? changes every 2 minutes but i always have a padsion for lifesavers hard candy
26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love? star wars rogue one, ghostbusters 2016, rocky horror, and cacw
27: Last person you kissed/kissed you? no
28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout? no
29: Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? u know idk, if it was a legit job maybe
30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? 3 yes ago
31: Can you change the oil on a car? i have a vague idea of how to but not rlly
32: Ever gotten a speeding ticket? no
33: Ever ran out of gas? no
34: Favorite kind of sandwich? peanut butter and apple jelly
35: Best thing to eat for breakfast? black coffee & pancake
36: What is your usual bedtime? anywhere from 3 pm- 4 am
37: Are you lazy? Its The Depresh
38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? lots of things? snow white, fiona, aurora, rabbit, i was a peapod as a baby, witch
39: What is your Chinese astrological sign? hare
40: Are you horny? no
41: Do you have any magazine subscriptions? dont think so
42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs? legos idk
43: Are you stubborn? TRAGICALLY YEAH but only when it comes to things i feel a lot abt?
44: Who is better…Leno or Letterman? i dont know
45: Ever watch soap operas? …..yes
46: Are you afraid of heights? no
47: Do you sing in the car? sometimes
48: Do you sing in the shower? i hum
49: Do you dance in the car? kinda
50: Ever used a gun? not an actual one?only bb gun and a pellet gun i think
51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? grad photos in october
52: Do you think musicals are cheesy? musicals are my life u fuc
53: Is Christmas stressful? ya i hate how people make a big deal out of it
54: Ever eat a pierogi? Yes.
55: Favorite type of fruit pie? apple or strawberry rhubard
56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? princess, artist, hairdresser, nasa person
57: Do you believe in ghosts? ya
58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? like everyday
59: Take a vitamin daily? no
60: Wear slippers? No
61: Wear a bath robe? no
62: What do you wear to bed? one of my school sweatshirts and pants Or Nopant
63: First concert? billy talent when i was in gr8
64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? i lov the feeling walmart gives me
65: Nike or Adidas? idk
66: Cheetos Or Fritos? CHETTO
67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? sunflower seeds
68: Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? no
69: Ever take dance lessons? 13 yrs in 3+ classes my dudes
70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? no
71: Can you curl your tongue? I CAN MAKE A THREE LEAF CLOVER W IT
72: Ever won a spelling bee? no
73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy? yes
74: Own any record albums? a super old davey crockett soundtrack of my dads
75: Own a record player? no
76: Regularly burn incense? no
77: Ever been in love? ya
78: Who would you like to see in concert? bleachers, pwr bttm, glass animals, grimes, muse, angel olson, diet cig, green day, and a lot of musicals
79: What was the last concert you saw? whitney
80: Hot tea or cold tea? either one
81: Tea or coffee? both
82: Sugar or snickerdoodles? cookies? idk? either
83: Can you swim well? yes
84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? yes
85: Are you patient? sometimes
86: DJ or band, at a wedding? dj probably 
87: Ever won a contest? do silent autions count
88: Ever have plastic surgery? no
89: Which are better black or green olives? olives are shadow people food
90: Can you knit or crochet? both a bit
91: Best room for a fireplace? idk i dont like fireplaces. but outdoor firepots are nice
92: Do you want to get married? idk
93: If married, how long have you been married? no
94: Who was your HS crush? lots of boys i saw once on the bus dhdjf bye
95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? ew no
96: Do you have kids? no
97: Do you want kids? idk i wanna adopt i think
98: Whats your favorite color? none it changes every time but i am partial to that yellow u knwo?
99: Do you miss anyone right now? no