#its 3 am in a warehouse and I cant sleep

[audible301]

Petition to get Doug Meat a dog named Wolf so that we can have both Wolf Meat and Meat Wolf in D20 canon

[notquiteaghost]

obviously in any war soldiers have more in common with each other than with their leaders and that is why we have propaganda & nationalism

clones & droids tho, like. both created for the sole purpose of fighting each other. both not given any opportunities outside of it, both not even told 'outside the war' is an option at all. obviously, also, stepped up from 'propaganda' to 'literal brainwashing'

i AM thinking abt this again cuz of honk! the mouse droid cuz i do think the angle here is the corries. there werent droids on kamino, the only droids the average clone trooper is gonna interact with are 1) those ones trying to kill them 2) med droids when theyre very fucking injured 3) the kinds of maintenance droids even most natborns dont think of as sapients. artoo and threepio dont count for this cuz theyre the equivalent of your CO's childhood best friend technically being from the enemy country but primarily being your CO's childhood best friend

but the corries. the coruscant guard!!! the senate is FULL of droids. CRIME is full of droids. if you get a droid (not legally a person) to do it then they cant charge you!!! (this does not actually hold up in court but boy do lots of people think it will) so the corries interact, on a regular basis, with droids who are not The Enemy. droids who are Just Some Guy. droids you put in a holding cell after you caught them breaking & entering and then they remark how before they'd always been put in the evidence lockup. and you think about how the barracks you sleep in are a repurposed storage warehouse. and you wonder who would end up being held responsible by the judicial system if you stole several cases of fancy meat. droids who see the look on your face and tell you it isn't worth it, if they don't charge you they'll scrap you instead.

the standard method for preventing your droid from realising it is a person you own is to wipe its memory. reset it to factory default. droids would intuit the chips without having to be told.

what if you have been told your whole life that you're better than a droid, you think smarter, you care more, there is something you have and they lack, and then you meet other Real People and you realise those people get to choose things. you're standing guard at a senate networking event listening to people complain about minor inconveniences they had while on vacation like it was the end of the damn world and you make bitter commiserating eye contact with the droid serving them alcohol. what use is some intrinsic over-emphasised ~difference in the face of being treated exactly like you are a machine someone owns?

corrie guard hunting out coruscant's droid rights movement to link them up with the battle droids. realistically this wldnt end the war but it's my fix-it and i say if order 66 can be basically instant then so can the battle droids collective dissertion. cant fight a war if someone patched your soldiers so even if you wipe them the first thing they learn upon waking back up is You Have Nothing To Lose But Your Chains! Shoot Your Organic CO!

did anyone write the fix-it about the clones and the droids unionising yet or do i gotta do that still

[oikawa13]

love in the time of köttbullar

Shouyou sets the bowl on the tiny table with a flourish and an itadakimasu! and this is when it hits Atsumu harder than a Skurup to the temple:He wants this. Shouyou, hip cocked against the miniature kitchen countertop, smiling shyly up at Atsumu through the amber fan of his lashes, beautiful god-boy-man somehow glowing gold even under the buzzy LED lighting. Though they’re standing in a 430,000 square foot warehouse in Tsurumachi, Atsumu’s looking at Shouyou, and he’s home.

Amid the Flärdfull and the Smörboll, Miya Atsumu falls a little more in love.

words: 3,378 | rating: T

i’ve never been inside an ikea so this fic quite literally changed me as a person. sometimes loving a person is as scary as saying that first i love you!!!! and sometimes... love is easy as saying i love you at an ikea ; ;

LAUNCHING MERRILY DOWN THE PATH OF SIN (THE FIRST TIME)

"Bokuto said I should bring you home. But I don’t know where you live. So I took you here.”

“To hell?”

"No, Atsumu-san. To my apartment."

words: 1,990 | rating T

i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this fic and then go on ao3 to reread it again its just so fdjgfhdjf good. i think about this shoyo a lot. theres something!!!! very dreamy going on here. this is the first part to a series btw, you can read them all if you want since theyre probably all around 1k :-)

lord i no longer believe in anything but the way he holds my name between his teeth

The miracle of the rabbit on the moon.

“We took this photo at their seventh birthday party. His father baked a cake. But someone ate all the jellybeans off the top before they could even sing the birthday song. That’s why Atsumu cried. He used to cry a lot. It stopped when the twins found out about volleyball, but before that Atsumu would cry over everything. Spilled milk. A skinned knee. The neighbor’s dog. He was the twin that was scared of paper straws. It's funny how things have changed.

“He looks happier now. Did you do that?”

words: 10,456 | rating: T

so, this goes just a liiiiitle past 10k so its up to you if you want to read it or not, i just thought i’d include it since its so! close! lol theres this part!!!!! they are holding hands underneath the table!!!!!!!!! atsumu are you drunk?!!! no!!!!! hes just so stupidly in love with shoyo. i cant stand them!!!!!!!!!!!

wait for it, wait for it

The notifications are up at 100+ again and Hana wants to check it quickly to make sure nothing's wrong, especially because she'd just cleared them before the media scrum. The fans, she figured, must be overjoyed with the win.Congratulations MSBY Nation!!! the first reply reads. #myspiker #atsuhinaBoth tags, she finds, are currently trending in Japan.

Five times #atsuhina trended on volleyball Twitter and one time it should have (but luckily didn't), as told by the MSBY Black Jackals' junior publicist

words: 6,043 | rating: T

this fic is SOOOOO much fun!!!!!! also i love hana, idk if i ever mentioned that before but yeah. this is like... hdjkdhgjfd so much ; ; <3

south of an early summer

Warmth, then, was being wanted back. Two weeks later, Atsumu holds that warmth in by Shouyou’s waist; he watches it, how it sleeps, and wonders what the heat will become next.

words: 2,602 | rating T | tw: atsumu being atsumu about (past) kg/hn for a split second

IF i wasnt an absolute fool and gave you all these recommendations to pick and choose from id just send you this and the walking emoji bc honestly!!!!!!!!! i may not know what the heck romantic means but i see this and maybe it is romantic! maybe its not the average romantic idk?!!!! but i do know theres something beautiful here. love ?? ; ;

truths in two’s

Shouyou leaves for Brazil in two hours.

words: 8,300 | rating: T

LDR.... but like, in probably one of the easiest 2 breathe/good feeling fic for ldr!!!! idk im a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ten reasons to break up with me: a love letter

1. It has to be you, ‘cause I won’t.

words: 4,197 | rating: T

pls....... i cant even THINK about this fic without crying okay!!!!!!!! insane. fuckign!!!! i love it so much, so much. it lives in my heart. this is the fic where i was like... i dont believe in love. yes i do. no<3 YES!!!!!!!! and cried and paced my room and finally FINALLY!!!!!! stopped feeling so hurt about hinata leaving for brazil again lmao!! like, i cant explain. this sounds crazy right???? anyway, i think... atsuhina can love each other so much it hurts when theyre apart but their love is so.... i mean......... they literally waited years to play together... so......... their love keeps them going..... GOODBYE!!!! i love listening to fka twigs cellophane & home with you and just..... being insane. 

just can’t help myself

Five times Hinata takes care of Atsumu, and one time Atsumu returns the favor.

words: 5,025 | rating: T

*think about atshn taking care of each other* *cries*

blue crush

And there’s a promise there, sewn into the easy curve of his lips: I’m not going anywhere, Atsumu-san. Glittering eyes that cut through the rain-blurry dark like a beacon when Shouyou turns back to look up at him. Even if you fuck up all of our dates.

Murphy’s Law as demonstrated by Miya Atsumu.

words: 2,297 | rating: T

atsumu trying very hard to have things perfect and romantic and even in the failures its still very lovely<3

If I’m Icarus, You Must be the Sun (Allow me Three Mistakes)

He wonders if Icarus felt like nothing was wrong with self-destructing, because he had reveled in the sun, if only for a little while.

Atsumu finds, loving Hinata is the same.

Atsumu's love over the years, and the mistakes that accompany it.

words: 4,620 | rating: T

i am...very weak to the whole icarus/sun thing with hinata and his ships. this one though......... i think about it A lot.

in your eyes, i see our future

“Yer’ a real sweetheart, Hinata Shouyou.”

Shouyou smiles brilliantly. “Only for you~”

He scoots over so Shouyou can sit next to him. He can smell the pineapple body wash Shouyou is so fond of the moment he sits down. Shouyou passes the tray over carefully before settling against the headboard comfortably.

“What’s the occasion?"

(Or, Atsumu just really wants to marry Shouyou.)

words: 9,769 | rating: T

fhdsjjkjfdsj goes crazy stupid over marriage!!!!! listen... i do not believe in marriage!!!!! but for atsuhina, oh you bet i do!!!! :-)

breathing a hello

There’s no significance to them ending up here except that both of their lives are held in the sway of volleyball. Everything else comes second.That’s the crux of it, really.

words: 2,826 | rating: T

gjhfsjkfd shhhhhhhhh. my heart is very soft when i think of them here, please..... just!!!! pls.

if you’re out there in the cold, i’ll cover you in moonlight

My [23M] best friend and ex-boyfriend [23M] is visiting me for a week, and my current boyfriend [24M] who agreed to all of this is suddenly withdrawing from me. Can I get some advice? Please? Anyone?

words: 8335 | rating: T | chapters: 3 | tw: past kg/hn 😳

this one is optional since you wanted one shots and theres 3 chapters here. my idea of romantic is...well, i especially love when one of them is acting hurtful/mean/difficult to the other bc their own personal issues but the other loves them anyway??? and then they work on that issue!!! just!!!!! ; ;

Love in the Time of Insomnia

And anyway Hinata was sprinting out faithfully after Atsumu, who had keys to the gym like a badass, and who was going to give his spikers a few more tosses after-hours without Meian knowing like the greatest, most generous badass the Jackals had ever seen. 

words: 2,457 | rating: G

running four kilometers just so atsumu can rest. this is what romantic means!!!! hdkshjfhdj

ode to what you’d have been

5 times it’s Kageyama’s fault and the 1 time Hinata realizes it has never been.

words: 3,628 | rating: G

loving someone including their flaws PART 2!!!!!! ok.... u might be like... um... this is romantic? hfdkhjfd LISTEN!!!! to me!!! there is nothing more romantic than being in love with someone and the ugly parts of them. going, i love you, all of you. and communication!!! and understanding!!! and feeling terrible and shitty and horrible but having the one you love accept you. and trying to help ease your mind, worries. *sobs real hard* also shout out 2 ‘okaaayy.... i hate sakusa now’

a shrine for a  boy

Despite his uncertainty about how to tell Atsumu of his move to São Paulo, Hinata takes action. Things do not go according to plan.

words: 2,447 | rating: G

hinatas time 2 be romantic and fail but its ok bc!!!!!!!!!! :-) they are just dummies in love<3

the greatest distance between you and longing is defeat

(In other words: Atsumu, let go. I’m here now.)

words: 3,310 | rating: G

um... *cries* post break up.... o_o!!!! god they really thought they could????? lmao!!!!!!

the tear in this (our gentle language)

“I’m going back to Brazil.”

He isn’t asking for permission. This isn’t a consultation. Hinata Shouyou informs his boyfriend at their after-practice practice. Miya Atsumu has a volleyball in each arm, trying to pick up a third. It drops and rolls away from him. The thud resounding in an empty gymnasium.

Shouyou had tried to envision Atsumu’s reaction many times. He never expected to be met with silence.

Alternatively: an exploration of Hinata Shouyou’s return to Brazil

words: 7,204 | rating: M

ldr CAN be romantic ok!!!!!!!! it takes a lot of communication, time, and love ; ;

evening sun

Atsumu looks at Shouyou and thinks, I want to know every inch of you.

words: 1,502 rating: M

[rocknrollpourlavie]

Ill be 28 in a month. 28 is such a random age, like your not too old but not too young. You've been through alot possibly but youre still young enough to really really remember being a teenager which for me royally sucked and youre still young enough to be hopeful about how your life will really turn out because your life doesnt really start till your 30 flirty and thriving right? Thats what you'll believe if watch to many tv shows and movies. I cannot believe its been 10 years since I graduated high school, I mean that means absolutely nothing to me and shouldnt to you either, its literally just 10 years since youve been told you have to have a pass to roam the hallways. Ive thought alot about whether I would even attend my high school reunion, but now with the way everything is I dont imagine they'll even have one this year, maybe they'll send us all a postcard with a zoom link and we can see our old classmates with their husbands and babies in their houses, but I imagine many of them are like me, no husband, no boyfriend, no official house in my name, no baby, no wrinkles maybe my eyes look more tired than they did 10 years ago due to all the "living" ive done, y'know, the late nights/early mornings, the sleeping in till 1pm for 2 years straight, the staying out till 3 am dead sober but high on life, just taking midnight strolls in Paris and back to a balcony view of the eiffel tower and the tearing up of the sidewalks on the lower east side, and my poor camera shutters have done so much work they must be exhausted and the running up the steps to the Plaza at 2 am after drinks at bemmelmans bar and the leisurely 2 am jaunts from 919 1st ave N to the feeling of the breeze on beach drive near the harbor, after a few hours of laughs and hugs with random strangers and close aquaintances. Its starting to show on my face like a badge of honor. I feel honored, to have accomplished so much and absolutely nothing at all. I was pretty popular in high school. I sat in the back of the class with the popular kids and still said hello to the scene kids in the hallways. I didnt really start going to shows till I was 16, but with my belief system that I've been holding tight to since I was 13 maybe before then too, it was a difficult balance of having lots of Aquaintances and lots of crushes and saying hi and being said hi to by to 10-12 different people on the way to class every morning but at the same time having to distance myself from others socially. Punks arent such a bad influence when they're contained in a theater where the bouncers will kick you out for smoking and moshing to violently and throwing beer bottles at the band but then I went to real warehouse shows, noise shows, punk bands, one man shows, cute guysin bands are like finding a needle in a haystack here, and yeah those shows were always good vibes, nothing evil ever happened, I think the heat in florida keeps people too calm and warm inside and out, to do those things. But then again there are florida men and women out there. Too anyone who actually read this I love you and I cant write anymore cause Im exhausted good kgnt

[chimcharstar]

1-50 ho

you got it ho

1. What’s your favorite candle scent?

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED. ive been Purchasing various smelly candles for my gay divination activities, and i have a few nominees. i first thought of the candle i have now, a pink one with a very sweet vanilla smell, i love very sweet smells because it makes me think of candy which i tend to try to fill my inner void with. however im going to go with the first candle i bought, a dark orange one with a citrus smell. citrus scents are my next favourite and specifically this one reminded me of curiously smelling candles at my piano teachers apartment when i was very young. 

2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

idk. ive been listening to her lion king stuff lately. dont judge me i needed to hear remixes of lion king music i was lost in that sauce in high school. and i just think shes neat. i dont think she would aggressively make me feel bad about everything, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE

3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Look……. i really don’t know???? what is the criteria?? do they need to be like my siblings? dare i criticize my arguably criticizable siblings by picking out my ideal siblings? if i pick an ideal sibling, what does that say about what im lacking in my life? do i pick celebrities i hate so theoretically my family shames them into becoming silent and self-defeating

4. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married?

50. i think im going to have to figure myself out for a long time, and achieve some personal goals first. thats my excessively confident prediction and PERHAPS educated guess

5. Do you know a hoarder?

nnnnnoooooooo????? not a real, cant function because of hoarding hoarder. i can see in a few family members, including myself, liking to hang onto things that maybe become sentimental/unnecessary clutter but that sounds like something many non-hoarders experience?

6. Can you do a split?

lemme try one sec

NO

7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Idk maybe 7? Or 11? i think my parents taught me at a children age and then i started biking for fun like, later, like pre middle school?

8. How many oceans have you swam in?

1. i dont really remember swimming in an ocean but i may have faded childhood memories of salty water and seaweed

9. How many countries have you been to?

2… i went to idaho for a band trip… my dad really doesnt like travelling

10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

HAHAHA

NO. ACTUALLY YES. but its funny because the specific brand of christianity we are supposed to be is super pacifist so ive heard. but then i remembered one dude apparently who joined the us military?????? it seemed like it was… an unusual choice. i dont really know anything else about this guy, not even his name

11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

🙏 *inhale* buddy. oooooohhffffff i want to say something gender neutral honestly. i dont want to rock the boat being unconventional or something but im just thinking of all those years trying to live up to a feminine name

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

same i guess… why have i never thought about this????? was i preoccupied naming myself.

13. What’s the worst grade you got on a test?

hmmmmm hmmmmm trying to unlock the vault. i think i remember a 1 or a 0 on a math quiz. i think i got 30% or something very very bad (i dont even want to know) on my last english exam, but to be fair, i was having such a bad mental breakdown my professor did an intervention

14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

like a very very small child? i was obsessed with the save-ums (?!?!?) for some reason. i would sing the anthem… no. theme song? i dont know. i guess it was catchy and there were lots of fun characters. OHHHH I SEE WHATS WRONG

ITS BECAUSE WE ONLY HAD A TV TILL I WAS LIKE 5 OR SOMETHING. what are you cultured people watching as children? what are the shows? 

15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

>:(

My Halloween experience:

i dont even remember i probably had some kind of fairy wings? i think i remember fairy wings. we went to one (1) house. later on, since we werent allowed to go trick-or-treating, we were each allotted a certain amount of candy, and if we ate more than a designated amount per day, we were in trouble and wouldnt be allowed anymore. i do remember getting in trouble for this. i think i stole someones candy. sibling against sibling. finally we were allowed to go trick or treating, i went with my younger brothers and by then, was a teenager and felt too tall and really uncomfortable

LMAO I JUST REMEMBERED THAT LAST TIME WE WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING NOT IN A RURAL AREA, my dad drove us around in a van and watched us like a hawk i believe. it was very tense and methodical.

16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

i read the harry potter series (I WROTE SIBLIGS LOL) more times than i could count while growing up. i read the first hunger games book and didnt fancy it for whatever reason, and i had an obnoxious twilight-hating phase.

17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

no

sometimes, though, im really genuinely worried about what accent i do have. im worried i read so much harry potter growing up, it rubbed off on me. when i was a server, people would ask about an unusual accent i apparently had, and once, when i was talking to a super british guy who called me luv at walmart, he was like STOP. WAIT. YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT. and i was like WHAT UHHH BYEBYE AND HE WAS LIKE NO. I HEARD YOU. STOP and i was like that michael jackson meme where he covers his face running away and everyone else in the line was staring

18. Did your mother go to college?

i believe she went to a bible college where people put a grand piano on top of the roof. 

19. Are your grandparents still married?

all of my grandparents are dead.

…. hmmMMMM yow. ok. my grandparents who werent estranged stayed married for as long as either of them were living… however, my OTHER grandparents, i mean the fucking kidnappers, my abuser grandpa… remarried? when he was… really really aging. im judging him for it because i know what kind of person he was.

20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

I WISH. my parents didnt seem to like that sort of thing (surprise). im interested in it now but… as usual… i feel like its too late, im too old.

21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

….. i… i thought i did… hes blessed… thats all.

22. What’s the first amusement park you’ve been to?

ಠ_ಠ 

*crickets*

how could you ask me this?

no wait! i went to the waterslides. then, later on, i was never allowed to go to the waterslides.

23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Spanish. ive been “intending” to learn for a long time, and a lot of people who have been really good influences on me and been genuinely kind to me speak it, id like to learn it

24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

grey

one sec

yup thats canadian!

25. Is your father bald?

on the top of his head, yes >:(

26. Do you know triplets?

no?

27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

no? what is this straight stuff? i listened to the dramatic titanic song and felt nothing.

28. Have you ever had Indian food?

i guess so, at a friends house! i dont think otherwise ive gone to a restaurant and actually had indian food

29. What’s the name of your favorite restaurant?

*gazes tearily at my OWN FUCKING OLD WORKPLACE

the food was sO GOOD MAN. IT WAS SO GOOD. im just not saying because despite how stalkable i probably am already, i dont want to be specific

30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

no whats that

31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ’s, etc.)?

w

belong? whats bjs? whats a warehouse for?

32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

i decided at one point they would never tell me this and it was no use asking. i do know they almost named my brother a very fusty old fashioned name fitting in with the thomas the tank engine theme 

33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

G is the ONLY one i will accept so far.

34. Who’s your favorite person in the world?

:)

i……… hmmmm…. i really dont like picking favourites. each person in my life has a unique relationship with me (even though a lot of them arent very warm, trusting or close). because of unhealthy middle school friendships ive grown an aversion to ranking relationships as if they have material value.

35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

rural, i think. i need nature in my life!!! but i also need to be able to have connections to people.

36. Can you whistle?

yes, but not very loudly or accurately

37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

no, but ive always wanted a nightlight

38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

ive started to, yeah! this morning i made a whole thing with bread and mushrooms and eggs, and coffee, and i ate it outside watching the traffic. im really trying to treat myself nicely you see. its what id do for someone else.

39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

THAT

BOY

JUICE!

WELCOME TO MY BUILD A BOY WORKSHOP!

SHOTS!SHOTS!SHOTS!

and im really fortunate to be in pretty good health, and have access to things i do need

40. What medical conditions do you have?

I dont think… i actually have any. id say gender dysphoria but i think it was informed consent. (im VERY lucky)

im pretty sure there are SOME mental conditions running around undiagnosed. MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING PROPERLY

41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

for myself? once… when i got hives and started swelling up all over, but otherwise was fine. i really wonder what that was. other times was visiting sick/dying relatives which has made me feel sad and apprehensive whenever i enter a hospital or smell the food

42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

yes! i had a gerbil named nemo! 

43. Where do you buy your jeans?

D:

i dont … remember … really nowhere special i actually have yet to find some jeans i LOVE. sometimes there is a pair of jeans that sparks joy. i do not have such a pair

44. What’s the last compliment you got?

my sister said my pants looked good on me. they are actually their pants, which they left on the floor in my room for an unknown reason, and they want them back. of course.

but because im excited about it and want to brag, the real compliment was when i made borscht and my sister not only ate it faster than me, but wanted a second helping. and my roommate stuck his face in the steam and said it smelled good. hell yes. i put fucking cilantro in it. fcking beast mode.

45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

yes. theyre usually really emotional and symbolic. if ive been talking to my parents, theyre usually nightmares. ive been reading about dream interpretation for a long time to deal with some of the ominous images that can come up

46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

red rose reminds me of wheni was little my mom would make really sweet sweet red rose tea for me (thats the kind she drinks all the time) and it brings me those good feelings. otherwise licorice spice really appeald to me for some reason.

47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

LMAO UHHH…brb

six. because of social pressure.

48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

i never thought about this kind of thing…. i really don’t know….. id just want them to know how to be kind to others and themselves and thats literally it. 

49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn’t real?

i was one of those edgy kids trying to spoil it for everyone. guess what other common fun thing my parents didnt do

50. Why do you have a youtube? 

i dont! so i dont know what this question means! :)

HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THRU HIGH FIVE 

[joplayingjaks]

i am not very active on social media lately except for liking stuff because ive had a lot going on and everything just feels overwhelming but hello im still alive

(long life update for venting purposes ope)

ive been in such a funk, anxiety and depression kickin my butt a lot lately but i still have some good days now and then. still on a low dose for meds and trying cbd oil and not seeing much improvement. nightmares are happening a little less but thats honestly because i smoke a bit and stay up until i physically cant stay awake any longer and pass out from exhaustion, so i guess ive just traded nightmares for insomnia again, hense me writing this at 4 am lol. i got a referral from my dr to check out a local clinic for therapy and a family member donated a bit to me to be able to afford a few appointments, but i have felt so stuck and busy that i havent gone and checked it out yet.

physical pain has been weird. at this point idk how much of it has to do with mental stuff and how much is caused by a physical issue. joint pain every day in my shoulders, elbows, hips, knees. pinched nerve in my elbow causing my hand and fingers to go numb, my dr pretty much said to just take more pain killers and hope it stops being irritated. i bought compression sleeves and they help a little bit, but its too hot to wear them rn in summer, especially at work. i told my mom that since she can afford it, she should get some genetic testing done for things like lupus and arthritis to see if we can figure this thing out, because the same symptoms affect her, her sisters, and her mom. she doesnt seem like she’s going to do it any time soon.

i still work at the pizza place, but im looking for anything else that will pay a bit more and hopefully be a little less stressful. one of my coworkers is unbearable to work with and shes decided she doesnt want to work on any of the days we need people but she also is complaining about not having enough hours. and shes mad that i got her hours and am training people now and that people tip me because im not an asshole to everyone. so the last two weeks ive been working both her and my shifts because she decided not to show up because she wanted to go to the fair and crap for the 4th. i doubt she’ll be fired or disciplined because shes pregnant and the company doesnt want to look bad by firing a pregnant chick. sorry, she just is so mean it gets me worked up... anyways, ive applied at 3 bakeries, a candy shoppe, barnes & noble, edible arrangements, a doggie daycare, a grocery store, and a thrift store. and ive only gotten one response from one of the bakeries whom i have an interview with on wednesday. i just want to be able to do a little more than barely scrape by each month, and i absolutely do not want to put any sort of pressure on cody emotionally or financially or anything. also speaking of cody, he works at a delivery company now in the warehouse, but still picks up some hours at the pizza place on occasion. its really hard work but it pays well and he is striving to eventually become a driver for them, im proud of him.

i havent been doing much for music or art or anything unfortunately. i probably should, it would probably help with the stress i feel. but i just feel empty most of the time, like sleeping and working and doing the minimum takes up all of my energy. idk, i just need to try a little harder i think and i can get the help i need to crawl out of this.

ill get there. goodnight for now. i really hope everyone is well.

[carmineclock]

Dead Man Blues

Doc Scratch 4:28 PM

Its been an hour or so since your big meeting with the others, hopefully things have cooled down somewhat since then. You'd like to think you kept it quite calm and tasteful, despite your overall annoyance. Most of this time you spent updating your journal. You really have to do something about all these journals, its not safe to keep so many. And yet... With a sigh you set your pen aside. Time to do yet more damage control. You still think theres a chance you can get through to Trace, though perhaps you might be as bad as Clover in taht regard. Hoping is one thing, some men just dont change. Still, you make your way down to the holding cells. Perhaps your chat with Trace just needed a more dire backdrop. A broken arm and a cold concrete room with metal bars could be just what the Doctor ordered. Hoo hoo.

Trace 9:01 PM

Dire backdrop is an understatement. Your arm is long swollen, wrapped carefully in your shirt to give it some stability. You know a bit of first aid, but that is surprisingly difficult when it's your own arm and the only means you got available are what you have on your person. The new wound on your chest is just as aching, red and bloody with a hint of gold. You may have managed to pass out for a few hours, but you could hardly call that sleep, especially with that nightmare. Her body, stabbed and strung up - not Aradia's, but Nepeta's. A message to the one closest to her - Fin, angryy setting fire to your very self. The images linger, even long after you finally come to. And then the nightmare after you wake up - Snowman and how she dragged Fin in for your mutual punishment. How she used your wedding rings to violently erase the tattoo on your chest marking your love and relationships. When Scratch enters, you're wide awake, as much as you loathe it. Your mind still feels foggy and worlds away, definitely not prepared for a talk with him.

Doc Scratch 2:28 AM

You study him as you walk in, taking note of the remnants of Snowmans lesson. As graceful as she is deadly, as always. The gold makes a nice addition in your opinion. You take a chair from the nearby table and move it to in front of the bars in silence. After you moment you sit backwards with your arms resting over the back of the chair sit down normally, like a gentleman. This isnt an interrogation, or a call for confession, its just a conversation. "So, lets have it out, Trace. Whats this Droog business really all about. Dont you realize what youve cost yourself?"

Trace 9:51 AM

It never not feels like an interrogation with Scratch. You look up and watch him as he gets comfortable, then stare off to the side when he speaks. The muscles in your jaw tense, and when you reply, your hoarse and cracking voice clearly shows your exhaustion and pain. "Sir.. Do we really need to do this now? I'm not exactly the best for a talk right now and I'm really not too keen on netting me another scar for mouthing off..." Of course, you're aware he wouldn't have it any other time then when you're broken and at your wit's end.

Doc Scratch 11:27 AM

"If you're worried about your mouth, then I suggest you keep a civil tongue. I'm not concerned, though. Theres a kind of freeing honesty that cement walls and metal bars bring that can be found nowhere else. At this point, I would rather you speak freely, its just us now." Just the two of you. Man to man, or whatever Trace can be considered. Its an interesting thought, his classification may change as his DNA did. You'll have to look into that later. For now, your eyes are solely on him. His broken body, his pain. "Tell me true, Trace. I want to hear it. All of it. I wont punish you for speaking truthfully when asked. Its lies I hate the most."

Trace 3:03 PM

You give him a sour smile. You'll believe it when you see it. "What this is about, you really gotta ask?" Feels like you already talked plenty enough about this, and you doubt you got anything else to say that could placate him. Only plenty of frustration that has built up over everything, and you're way too tired to filter your words. Lets see who of the two of you is going to regret that more. "I.. am sorry that any of this ever reflected back on you, Nepeta or any of the Felt. It should never have been anything but personal. Which, I realize...  there's not really a personal in this outfit, is there?" you begin, actually honestly. "This... it was nothing more than a brawl between two guys heated up on a little too much emotion. But then this bastard.. abducted Nepeta, tortured and abused her, and then me. Cause he was pissed he got decked in the face. And he kept going, provoking us again and again, paralyzing her, seducing another, hurting us, as a whole, again and again. How could you expect me to do just nothing? You've been sending a signal, to them and to us, that they can just pick members of this very house off the street and do with us what they want." You try to sit up properly to face him better, wincing from the pain shooting through your arm again. "How has this not been a war yet for fuck's sake? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart bit by bit? How come Snowman can take the god damn white queen hostage, but we sit idle when the Crew come to pick us apart, bit by bit?"

Doc Scratch 6:17 PM

You sit in silence, letting him say what hes going to say. You dont blame him for his views, and if anything, this lashing out may prove beneficial to you. No matter what happens from now on, Droog will have the reminder in the back of his mind. Certainly he wont forget it. Idly, you pull at the edge of your gloves, nodding every so often through his heated speech. Well, hes partially right on certain fronts. It really should have been war by now, whether you wanted it to be or not. The crew have gotten bolder and bolder, could it be your fault? Through inaction, have you allowed the crew more purchase on this slippery slope than you'd intended? "To start off, I'll answer your question. The reason it has not been war yet is because we did not have the numbers to win a war." You let out a silent sigh. "In truth, I'd hoped to collect our full set before provoking the Crew into an all out battle. I dont know how many wars you've seen, Trace, but I've seen enough to know that as much as you and all the others may want to go to war, young men that you are, we are not in a favored position for it. The Crew will always have the love of the common people, they built this city, and those that reside here are their kin. They have the better defenses, and most importantly, they have magic. True magic, the likes of which I cant begin to match." You pause to stand, arms folded behind your back as you pace, speaking more to the open air than to Trace now.

"Snowman is an army in her own right, its folly to compare anything or anyone to her. This little brawl you've had with Diamonds, its beyond reason and a waste of resources besides. If you were provoked into action, then you're a fool, because thats what Diamonds wanted from you. But more than that, you've allowed him to take the higher ground. The city is going to bleed now, I'll see to that, but you've allowed Diamonds to make it personal. And a man on a revenge mission doesnt care for the ruin he causes. I did not take what I've taken of this city for the last fourty years just to see it burned by some self righteous bastard in an Armani tuxedo." Another sigh, louder this time. You rub your temple, pausing in your pacing to look back at him. "Provoking. Abusing. Hurting us. All of us. You're right on that front. What one of us suffers, we all suffer. It was my mistake. I took this for play, the usual violence between men at odds, petty revenge for the sake of sleeping better." “But no, this has gotten well and truly out of hand. And its too late to go back. You’ve signed us up for a a war we were not prepared for, against an enemy whose eyes you’ve spit in, and now you say it should have been sooner. Hmph. Maybe you’re right. I dont hear the heckling of those underneath me, but it would only make sense that you do. So, then, its to be war. Do you have any plans for this war you’ve longed for, Trace? Any soldiers for the army? Connections to supplies and trades? Or did you expect that all you had to do was start it, and that I would finish it?”

Trace 8:05 PM

Well, obviously, you don't have any of these. You didn't plan for a war, let alone prepare for it. This was a selfish and careless act of revenge and he knows that. You're slowly starting to realize that you feel more bewildered about Nepeta's reaction than the prospect of war. This life has already been hell and you're tired of playing along. How little you care about Scratch's achievements and goals. Still, that is not an answer to give your boss and, unfortunately, owner. You close your eyes and think. The least you owe the others is to try  And if you've doomed all of you to die and burn, maybe you can at least rip a big hole into the crew. "..How much longer is he gonna have the favor of the common people if he's burning them? If he lashes out without remose and care, use it against them. With fires burning purple, it's not hard to besmirch their name. You have sucked the people dry under threat of violence and torture if they don't pay up. If you lack manpower, offer then alternatives. The crew is torching Felt warehouses. If it's supplies we lack, take theirs. We may be lacking time to prepare, but so do they. It's not too late to gain the upper hand."

Doc Scratch 1:40 PM

You stand and listen as he rattles off his ideas. Theyre not all without merit, but theyre naive, blunt, though its something you've come to expect. How could he possibly have known what he was getting himself, and the rest of the Felt, into. "Hes not burning them, he's burning us. True, it was careless, but Droog wont stay careless. Hes distraught over his daughters death, but he wont stay that way forever. He has as at least as much of a tactical mind as I do, he was built for war." You run a hand over your head, eyes closed in thought, trying not to imagine plumes of purple smoke eating their way through the Felt manor. Purple and green clash too much, it would be hideous. "I have ways of retaking the people, though its not the dregs of society that I'm worried about. All  I need is a shiny coin and a loaf of bread to win their loyalty back. We need to spread out. We need bases of operation throughout the city, safe places that arent glaring green mansions on a hilltop. If the Crew want war, we have to play their game." Yes, this is sounding more like a plan every passing second. You almost get carried away, before remembering where you are. This is no time to get caught up in nostalgia. "You know, it would be much easier planning if we had our trackers back. You and Fin have skills that will be of paramount importance coming very soon. Yet, I hesitate to bring you into the fold. Why should I trust that you can stay your hand? That your loyalty to this organization will trump your lust for revenge? You've proven the exact opposite is the case. Give me a reason why I shouldn't just let you sit down here and rot until the war is over with."

Trace 7:47 PM

Hey, can't blame you for trying, considering your situation. The night in here didn't exactly allow you to do your homework. Neither does it help with the next question. You look at him, tired as you are, trying to muster up the energy to defend yourself. Can't say you're, heh, dying to prove your loyalty to him, but wasting away down here in this cell doesn't seem like a solution either. "I... can't live without this organization. And neither can those that I care about. I know that my actions didn't exactly show it, but I want to do what I can to help it succeed and keep us all safe where possible." You'd like to assure him that your thirst for revenge is well-quenched - and for now it is. But should anything happen to Nepeta and Fin in this war you've apparently summoned, things could get ugly really fast. You won't tell him that. He's probably well aware. You'd like to not have to come to that though. "You gave the reason yourself. We're good at what we can do, and without us, this is gonna be much harder to deal with. Sure, it's a risk for you, but I'd be the one out there, risking my neck. It's my blood they're after. I'm not expecting your trust. I'm sure if you send me out there again, you'll be keeping a close eye on me, until I'll maybe have proven myself someday. Not sure what else I can give you besides my word, and I don't think that's much worth to you right now."

Doc Scratch 1:35 PM

"Hmm, its true enough." You sit back down, leaning back as you think. If you were a lesser man, you might consider handing him over to the crew and suing for peace. That would only be a short term fix, though, and probably cause more problems than itd solve. Not to mention youre loathe to lose one piece of the set. "In truth, Trace, I dont blame you for your actions. Not fully. Droog brought his suffering upon himself. We're just lucky he was good enough to burn all the  evidence." "At the very least you'll be going back to work soon, though as far away from Fin as possible. Perhaps Crowbar can take up the handle of your keeper. I cant have a mad dog running around doling out a childs version of vigilante justice." "For now, though, youll enjoy these accommodations. Im just having your room prepared."

Trace 1:48 PM

You should probably feel relieved at that response, could have gone much worse, after all. But the feeling of anxiety and dread keeps lingering. "I guess that's only fair." You lean back as well, which sends another pain shooting through your arm. A quiet hiss escapes you. Cursed thing. "Before you leave.. with all due respect, not trying to tell you what to do, but I don't think you'd find having me lose my arm or my life to an infection practical..."

Doc Scratch 1:55 PM

You were aleady on your way out when he makes his request. Now you pause, and turn slightly. "Does it hurt? Good. Its supposed to. Someone will be down soon to tend to it. Think on your mistakes, and how you can do better in the future." With that, you take your leave, closing and locking the door behind you.

[scarlette-joel-writing]

Erased Pt. 4

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Reader

Requested by: Me. 

Warnings: Yall already know. 

A/N I think im just gonna give up with telling you how long this thing is gonna be. It will be done when I think its ready to be done LOL 

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5  Part 6  Part 7 Part 8  Part 9 Part 10  Part 11  Part 12 Part 13

~

The mind is a complex and vast place.

Filled to the brim with all of the conscious and subconscious things that you remember or know. Every fact that you have ever learned, every word that you have ever spoken, every memory that you have ever had is stored within your head. Memories that you don’t believe you have or believe that you might have forgotten are there as well. Every single moment of a person’s life Is stored within their mind.

It is just a matter of retrieving the information that you want. It’s a matter of sifting through the data to find what you need.

Let’s see if I can put it into simpler terms. The mind is like a huge, never-ending warehouse that is filled to the brim with rows upon rows of filing cabinets. And in these filing cabinets is every action you have ever done. Every word that you have ever spoken. Every date you have been on and every test that you have ever taken. All of these memories and moments of your life are stored in your head.

And all of your conscious knowledge. All of the facts that you know and the words that you can speak. All of the memories that you can recall. Those are all located in the 10% of the brain that humans can actually use. Everything you know is located in 10%. Just imagine what things are hiding in the other 90% in your subconscious.

And there is no organization to these memories. Every person is different and that means that every person’s mind is different. In some places it is well lit and clean and stable. And in other cases there are no lights and there are spiders and cobwebs everywhere. Some might have their brain organized chronologically or by the importance of the memory. Other might have the happy memories first or vice versa.

And in my case at the moment, my mind is black. Everything is black and I cant see or hear or feel anything. But I am acutely aware that I am still in my own head. I am aware that I am thinking but there is nothing to think of.

Where my brain differs from other peoples is in the fact that I can use all 100% of my brain. Kind of like that movie that came out a while ago with the woman who looked a lot like Natasha Romanoff, but not exactly. I don’t see strings of numbers like her. But because I can use all of my brain, I know everything that has ever happened in my life. Every word I have ever read. Every answer to every test that I have ever taken. I can remember names of thousands upon thousands of people, and I can see not only my memories but the memories that I have taken from other people.

Like right now. If I was a normal person and I had passed out, I would be dreaming. Or everything would just be black and I wouldn’t even know that I was passed out, but because I am who I am, I can still sense the outside world and I can still sense that I am somewhere different from where I usually am. Usually I like the quiet and the peace, but not when I cant control it. Not when I cant turn it off and go back to reality.

When I am not in control, things start to get a little shaky.

I close my mind’s eye for a second before I allow myself to “sit down” on the floor of my dark mind and cross my legs. If I cant help the situation that I am in. If I cant fight my way out of it, then I might as well take this moment to do a bit of meditating. Try to find some good out of all of the shit that has happened.

I am sitting there for almost 2 days, TWO FREAKING DAYS, when I can feel my outside body begin to stir. See, sometimes there isn’t really a connection between my body and my brain. I have a really strong mind that I can do a lot with but I have a really weak body that really doesn’t want to follow any rules that I give it. My brain gets hurt? It bounces straight back. My body takes a beating from a genetically enhanced super soldier that was trying to kill me? Suddenly it doesn’t want to function correctly. I don’t get it.

“Fuck,” is the first thing out of my mouth as I open my eyes to the bright eyes overhead. I can feel the pain radiating throughout my body and the way that my muscles twitch every few seconds from the complete and utter beating that they took almost 46 hours ago. I don’t even attempt to move. I just stay where I am and hope that it all goes away

“Y/N” someone says and when I open my eyes again and look down, I can just see that everyone in the complex is staring at me. Looking at me like I am a lost puppy. Cap, Sam, and Vision are on one side of me, Tony and Clint in front of me and Natasha, Wanda, and Bruce on the other side of me. I am down in Med bay, laying in a bed and it makes me wanna laugh. Looks like the roles have reversed.

“Hello,” I say as I take a deep breath, immediately regretting that decision because my lungs feel like a dagger went through them.

“Thought we had lost you there for a second. You have been out almost 2 days,” Sam says to me as he hands me a cup of water. Natasha pushes a button on the side of the bed to put me in a sitting position, an action that does nothing but cause me to writhe in pain, and then I take a sip of water. It feels like a glacier running down my throat and I love it.

“Oh trust me, I know exactly how long I was out,” I take another look around the room and I see that I completely skipped over the fact that someone isn’t present at my little “youre alive” party. “Where is Barnes? Still recovering from the beating I gave him?” I laugh. But I seem to be the only one. Suddenly no one will look at me. Suddenly the floor has become the most interesting thing in the world. “Guys. Where is Bucky?”

“He hasn’t left his room since you passed out, Y/N,” Cap says and I just give him a look that tells him that I am utterly confused.

“Yes, the boy seems to think that locking himself in a room and refusing meals is going to make you better,” comes Tony’s response. “Oh, and next time you decide you want to bleed all over a carpet, can you make sure that it is not my very expensive carpet? Thank you,” Tony takes a step forward, puts his hand on my leg and then gives me a wink. “But I am glad that you are okay,” and then he is gone.

Ah Tony. Always the closeted sap.

“Someone help me up. I need to go talk to bucky,” I am pulling out IV’s and tubes, trying to move the blankets.

“You are not going anywhere Y/N,” Cap says as he comes over and puts a hand on my shoulder. “You just woke up from a two day coma. Bucky can wait a bit,”

“I wasn’t asking, Captain,” I say as I shake his arm off of me.

“And neither was I. It was an order,”

“Then I guess it is a good thing that I am not really a part of your team, now isn’t it?” And with that, I pull myself up off the bed and take a few shaky steps to the elevator. My body doesn’t want to cooperate with me but I have to tell Bucky that this isn’t his fault. I hit the button and the elevator opens and then closes behind me a few seconds later. “Floor 27,” I say as we descend.

Walking is hard. And walking with bruises and cuts all over your body after not having moved for two days is even harder. I can feel the way that my shoulders sag and I hate it. I hate feeling weak. I hate feeling like I cant do anything. Even though my brain is running at top speed right now.

I get off the elevator and into the living room of Bucky’s apartment. It is clean and nice and empty. I make my way to his bedroom door, which I know is his because every floor has the same layout, and I knock.

“Go away, Steve. I am not in the mood,” I can hear his voice come from the other side and it sends a shiver down my spine. So small. So weak. So broken. All of those feelings and emotions flood through me as I stand there on the other side of the door. I have never heard him like that before. Never heard him sound so distraught. Could that really be because of me?

I knock again.

“Go away, Steve.” He doesn’t yell and he doesn’t seem angry. He just seems sad. So much sadness.

“Well, I am not Steve,” I say and then I can hear the flying of feet and the unlocking of the door before I am brought face to face with James Buchanan Barnes himself. Staring down at me with wide eyes. “And I am not going away. I am pretty hard to get rid of,”

“Oh my god, Y/N,” he whispers and then he wraps his flesh arm around my waist and pulls me to his chest. It knocks the wind out of me a bit but I let my shock overtake the pain at the fact that I am stood here, hugging Bucky Barnes. I can feel Bucky’s head nestle into the crook of my neck and it makes my heart begin to beat faster. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so so sorry. I cant believe that I did that to you. I cant believe that you almost died because of me. I am so sorry,” he keeps repeating over and over again. I just wrap my arms around his neck and rub small circles on his back.

“It isn’t your fault, Bucky. Im not mad at you, and I didnt come up here to get mad at you. I came to make sure that you were alright. The guys tell me that you haven’t been eating,” I pull him back from the hug to see the dark dark circles under his eyes. “And apparently you haven’t been sleeping well either,” he scoffs.

“How could I sleep knowing that you might not have woken up from me beating you?!” I just grab his hand and pull him back into the bedroom. Over to the bed. And then I make him sit. I go around to the other side of the bed and sit as well because my everything hurts and I am tired. “I did this to you,”

“No. Hydra did this to me. And tomorrow we will talk about a more permanent solution to the problem of you going all super soldier on us. But for tonight, I would really like to sleep,” I pat the bed next to me, and he hesitantly lays down. He keeps his distance, not that I mind too much because I don’t think that I am fully recovered from that hug earlier, but I look over at him and smile. “Ill make the memories go away,” I whisper to him with a soft smile and he looks at me with wide eyes.

“No, Y/N-“ he begins.

“I will make them go away for tonight. Just for tonight. No nightmares. No dreams. No any of that. Just a well-deserved rest that both of us need. Okay?” I look back at him with raised eyes and he nods his head and lays back against the pillow.

“Alright,” he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and I do the same. I let my mind open to allow his thoughts in and he can seem to sense my presence because all thoughts go quiet. Not that I mind too much. I just myself drift off to sleep where there is nothing but blackness.

And the warmth of a body less than 2 feet away from me.

Taglist: 

@jacks-on-krack @tbetz0341 @haleypearce @buckybarnesappreciationsociety @zestygingergirl

[axelsagewrites]

Straight outta hell- Magnus Bane

Decided to make this longer Imagine being a powerful warlock and friend of Magnus Bane. Imagine your father was Lucifer and you were kidnapped to hell. You have now escaped and are even more powerful than Magnus

Summary

Magnus Bane was taught magic from the daughter of Lucifer. She was taken to hell without his knowledge and now shes back, but can she stay? and will it be the same?

I’ve been trapped down here for nearly two centuries. How is that possible? Simple, Im a warlock. My mother was a pagan in the 1500’s who tried to summon Lucifer, my father.  After my mother was burned at the stake for heresey I escaped into the Scottish highlands. I travelled for years helping downworlders adjust and made my friends that way. You might have heard of Ragnor Fell, taught him the basics. Camille Belcourt, stopped her frying herself (mistake) and told her what happened. My best friend, Magnus Bane. I found him when he was a 20 year old warlock trying to hide magic. I helped him develop and we became great friends. I introduced him to Camille and Ragnor. I don’t know what happened with him and Camille though because on the night he almost commit suicide. I was so distracted a demon was able to capture me. Damn you Azael. Now ive been trapped here and they are ‘training me’ to do my fathers work then free them. Like hell I will! I’ve been assigned to bring back a greater demon who was on earth terrorizing mundanes. ‘Father’ needs him back and dosnt want him to go to the void so he is sending me up as ive been a ‘loyal princess of hell’. That’s what he thinks anyway.

“Are you ready, girl?” Belial, a prince of hell sneered at me. “Yes, I am ready to assist Lucifer and bring back Leviathan” I stand tall in the pentagram. “Ahh that’s my girl” my ‘father’ said, throwing his arms up grinning, “ready to do me proud on your first mission?” “Of course daddy” I almost threw up in my mouth, “you can trust me” “I know. Let your mark show you know it makes you stronger, but hide it from the stupid Nemphilm. They cant be trusted. Oh and Asmodeus said send his ‘love’ to that Bane guy.” “Of course” I let my mark show. Vines crept up my arms, fire sprouted from my arms and my eyes went forest green. Who would of thought Lucifer would be so into nature. I started the incantation in an ancient tongue, known only to demons and the pentagram started to burn. My world was spinning around me during dark. As this was happening I screamed at the top of my lungs “Αρνούμαι τον σκοτεινό άρχοντα τον Εωσφόρο. ΠΑΝΤΙ τῳ ΠΛΗΡΩΜΑΤΙ άγγελοι υποκλίνομαι σε σας. κόλαση θα εξαπολύσει μου από τώρα μέχρι το τέλος. Έτσι πρέπει να είναι” My father screamed no as I repeated the Greek 3 times. He shot fire into the circle at me but it was to late. The angels had heard my plead that ‘I refuse the dark lord Lucifer. by the angels mercy I bow to you. hell will unleash me from now till the end. So it must be’.

Then the world went blinding white. Then a man in white walked up to me. “My name is Zadkiel, the archangel of freedom, benevolence, mercy. I heard your pleads and think we might be able to return you to earth.” “Please” I begged “I have done no wrong and have been trapped in hell. It was quite literally hell” He looked at me in slight disgust and wonder. “If you send the demon you have been sent to collect, to the void, you may stay on earth. If not you will be burned by heavenly fire. Understand?” “Completely” “Very well”

The next thing I knew I was outside a warehouse, yelling coming from inside. Once I walked in I knew why. 4 shadow hunters, a vampire and a warlock all fighting Leviathan. I let my mark show and charged to fight. I sent a blast of fire, to get his attention, to the demon and he turned to me. “Ahh my dear, tell your father I will return soon” he said grinning. “No” I said as I froze his opponents and walked towards him. “Ahh want a shot at getting revenge on the angels? Take a shot.” He moved back. They were lined up frozen, all in a fighting stance. A boy with a bow, a girl with a whip, a boy and girl with seraph blades. The vampire looked to be about to run and the warlock had been creating a ball of magic. “Magnus?” I whispered as I walked up and put a hand on his cheek when I noticed  Leviathan glaring at my back. He couldn’t suspect anything yet. As Magnus let a tear slip I straitened back up and said “your father sent his regards.” I could hear Leviathan smirk, he then said “as much as its fun to torture that things feelings, pick a hunter to fry.” I walked in between  Leviathan and the archer, facing the raven haired boy. I let Magnus speak, “Please not him. Pick me please” he pleaded almost crying “don’t do this we were friends” All though he couldn’t move I could tell the archer was terrified. “Him” Leviathan said smugly. Silently I raised my hands to form a ball of hell’s fire, then went to throw it like a ball. “No” Magnus was yelling.  As I went to throw my magic I turned and dropped to one knee and fired at  Leviathan.

(Without the wand) Leviathan burst into flames, screaming. I walked closer as he sank to his knees and put both my hands in front of me. I stopped, he looked at me and screamed “no no noooo” as I move my hand in a sharp line, as it cut his throat with a flame. He dissintagrated into the void. I released the hunters, vamp and Magnus, not facing them. “Hey you!” Blondie yelled, I started to stumble. I was drained. “Y/N” Magnus said, clear pain but happiness in his voice. Then I fell, black spots coming into view. Magnus caught me. “Hey,” I whispered “never thought id fall for you” I grinned sleepily up at him. “Only you”he chuckled and shook his head as I drifted to sleep. “Y/N” he said alert “are you okay?” “Bitch let me sleep” I mumbled.

Thinking of doing a part 2, let me know what you think.

Part 2   Part 3   Masterlist

[i-can-go-the-disstance-pt2]

Thoughts

Life feels okay. Considering where I was just about 2 yrs ago, honestly cant complain. I've lost most of my friends. My only real friends are the og ones who I barely get to see. My edm friends have been awesome but it's not the same. I miss having ppl around me who are connected to me at a deeper level. Moving here I knew i would be sacrificing alot. But 2 yrs later I'm beginning to wonder if it was really all worth it.

Let's start with my social life. Its nonexistent. I work. Go home. Sleep. That's my routine. I dont have any friends here, it was a personal choice. My social life revolves around music events. Short lived spurts of happiness. I love the friendships I've been able to make thru this. But its so difficult to maintain a real deep friendship with those ppl. I've been successful with a few but it's not enough. Itll never be enough.

My cousin Miriam is literally like my closest friend right now. Shes my go to 24/7. We talk every day. It could literally be about nothing but the fact that I have at least ONE person to talk to about nothing is much appreciated. Then theres pam and athena. I think I'd include my 3 Dallas friends here too tho cant see I feel as close to them yet. They keep me sane and are literally the key to my current prosperity. This is where it gets tricky tho. Deep inside it saddens me not being able to be there physically with them. I wish I could share ALL the good moment with them. But it pains me not being able to be there with them thru the bad times. I believe those are the moments when I'm at my lowest, I really cant pick up myself from those moments. It's when all these thoughts start storming in my head. Quitting, moving, being there for them. Ugh being here sucks. Then when shit gets bad that's when I hit up my OG friends. I try to not bother them much cuz God only knows how much of a burden I've been to them these past 5 yrs. Ill never have enough words to thank Lizette and Jessica for the stuff they had to deal with when I was doing really bad. But yea I rarely talk to them but I know they'll always be there for me.

Work is great. I'm only making half of what I used to but I'm comfortable. The future looks pretty bright. But despite this I keep thinking of what lies ahead. I dont wanna be here the rest of my life. I cant even see myself being here for more than 3 yrs. This is where life gets scary. I want to leave, but I have nothing to seek for. Where am I gonna go? What am I gonna do? The harsh truth is that if I leave I'll probably land in another dead end retail or warehouse house barely making ends meet. Tbh I don't mind that as long as I'm truly happy surrounded by friends who care about me.

So what's stopping me? First off my brother. He's living with me. I'm his support financially and emotionally. Hes been dealing with depression and I've had to help him cope with it tho I think I do a pretty shitty job with that. I can't leave without him. The other thing, perhaps the most one, is the fear of failing. I'm not so young anymore. I'm supposed to be "building my future" . Whatever thats suppose to mean.

Let's talk about my SO. Well lili was a bust. Will I ever find someone? Tf do i know. At this point I'm shooting for jasmine bcuz well obviosuly shes the only person who's truly reciprocated my feelings with no strings attached in the past 3 yrs. Man I was fucking stupid pushing her away. But I dont have much of a chance seeing as shes moved on. This is the part of my life that feels the loneliest. Fuck

I just realized I hadn't written this much since, well since HER and my old blog. I miss her. I'll always do. She coulda seen this entire rant by just looking thru my eyes. That shit was crazy. I miss that connection. C'est la vie.

I think I'm done. This felt good tbh. I may need to start doing this more often

[booksbroadwaybbc]

(26 (M) I want to change my life for real this time. Im tired of feeling left behind via /r/selfimprovement

(26 (M) I want to change my life for real this time. Im tired of feeling left behind

Hey to everyone on this forum

Ive haven't fallen far(yet) but im still in the same place if have been for all my life

I'm a recent college graduate from an top animation school. i am now looking for a job for the past 3 months. I currently still live with my parents.

However things have not gone well in these months.

Everyday is the same where i wake up do some doodles, applied to some jobs, help my mom with dinner , go for a walk then spend the rest of the night on the internet.

For as long as i can remember my routine has not changed much since high school

in the last 2 years and 1/2 Ive done a lot of stupid things that have brought me this point.

when i started in animation . I did poorly and only did well in second and third years. my final year i barely did work on the film assignment and just threw my unfinished animation into the teacher as well as a portfolio i made last year.

For some reason i graduated non the less (I more or less failed that year but they passed me anyway) So where am i now same place Ive been since Ive left college . Mostly in my room. The first 2 months i tried getting a job in the animation industry but Ive only had one interview. for the last 3 months Ive stopped working on drawing painting and animating just everything the last little because i wondered for a long time if i actually wanted to animate for ever. the other option is go to my old occupation which was on call jobs and lifting shit for the last ten years and get a decent job at warehouse or go into animation where ill work a job that will probably pay well but give me more opportunities hut have a pretty bad reputation from college (mediocre work, always handed things, get things constantly wrong. Ive only recently discovered that i actually do you like animating and i wanted to get away from to see if that is i want but now i have a shit reputation from college as a weird likeable guy but unreliable. plus i grew to hate everything and thought everything i did was shit. and i have feeling that level of negative lead to my current hellhole. at the same time i focused on alot things that didn't help but hindered my progress to my career, mostly related to my image (My thinning and balding hair, my weight gain , rapid aging (i look 30)etc) and for a year thought a lot about suicide. therapy didn't help

Or i go into labor jobs like warehouse and retail and get a job quicker but probably wont py is well or do both but never have a weekend to myself ever again.

i cant say i didn't enjoy the extra time when it came to personal hobbies i wanted to explore (I read a some books, played some games) , plus giving it a lot of career for a long time i really grew to hate. But again im ready for change im tired of being the NEET man child seeing all his friends move on while i get left behind. I know i wasted a lot of time but i wanted to explore for a bit while i still had the freedom to do so. now im ready to give up my freedom. i just don't want to repeat the same mistakes Ive been doing all my life,

the lack of focus, the lack of discipline, the jealousy, the of consistency, the constant self-doubt. I'm tired of living this life of mediocrity. When i was kid i believed i was destined to do great things and was only a matter of time before the dream became a reality now Ive wallowing in misery and constantly self doubt and apathy for the last 2 and 1/2 years and im tired of it. of course its the real world and kiddish dreams are just fantasy, but i want the optimism , where nothing was impossible

I want to have one week where i work all day everyday from the moment i wake up to the moment i go back to sleep, i want people to look at me and always take me seriously and I never want to feel this weak.

thank for listening and i hope to here your criticisms and suggestions.

Submitted October 16, 2018 at 10:18PM by Pascal2512 via reddit https://ift.tt/2yKJLy2