#its 1:30am i should be asleep 😭😭

[gothboylovesbowie]

This is a big post with some context and kinda personal stuff, skip if you want but here it is:

Oh my gods I am stressed... it hit me over the weekend as I got some pretty negative news about a personal issue and I tanked...

The only art I've done is a small biblically accurate angel sketch and an utterly shit Valkyrie which I erased BC it's meant for my college work and I hated it 😭

I don't have the mental capacity for that shit and I'm just not doing too great so if I ghost for a while this week, I'm sorry guys. I'll get the art done soon tho and post it BC then I'll have a motivation that isn't just "get it graded". I want to share my work and Ik you guys want to see it so maybe once my brain pieces back together, I'll post more consistently but ATM, expect gaps...

[ninkanoskovic]

FAILURE - YET AGAIN or how I deserve the anger, you know what I mean?

so I was coming up with m glow up plan, right

was so into it that stayed up planning it until 2:30am.. maybe bit longer.

so already at that point the anger was growing in me. what the heck that is so counterproductive.

anyways, was so into it i jus HAD TO FINISH. I was thinking there is no point if crying over spilled milk now, is there?

i already knew in my head that I will be angry at myself because I wont be able to wake up at a reasonable hour.

I had had booked a seminar for 1pm. Eaaaasy.

Uhm, unless the sound travels ariund the house. and all the other parts/souls of the household were living their life from reasonable hour. 6:30-7ish am.

then again at 10am. i was so grumpy. so fricking upset i couldn’t sleep, my mind had already started functioning- imagining, thinking, planning…

i put on an eye mask, you know the sleep mask, so it had gotten dark again and woke up when?! 1PM!!!!

I was like, ok, I love myself, because that is what you’re supposed to do. (why am I making it so hard for myself is beyond me though).

I still can have a lovely and productive day, especially now, that my body doesn’t hurt as it did around 10am. I can go and be proud active citizen, attend an anti government gathering bc they(govnmt) are tying us to Russia, go to work to get things (move from one location to other) as I planned to do prior to the quiet protest.

Then finally post a first blog. Something. Anything.

the gf I was supposed to go with cancelled on me, and I found out only because I texted her around 3pm

At least I did some stretching and mobility. The one positive thing. And cleaned kitchen. Then all of a sudden it’s 4. I’d need to get the 4:12pm bus to get to the capital.

I stayed at home. Done nothing scrolling. I thought that maybe I didn’t go, but at least I’ll do some work. Exercise on the stationary bike, mask on the face, cold shower. But all of a sudden it was almost 6, I haven’t moved for the past hour, it was basically dark out and at this point it’s pointless to exercise, have a cold shower and eat because it would only awaken me more.

this is the trouble with how much we know, we know so much, we can predict consequences out of every breath we take.

Oh no, this will affect my sleep, then it affect my mood, that will affect the day, the productivity. This I can’t do because …and there goes list in my head.

I’m basically tired of knowing. I’m tired of trying. The more I try the more I am upset because I fuck up. Why I cant rely on myself.

I go to sleep and I am tired, but during falling asleep there is arose of energy from somewhere within me and all of a sudden its 2 am again. I cant break through circle.

So I went out, to take the walk I had planned on do at 3pm/4pm ish… and yesterday I watched the video of this girl: 

 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KtX10eOs6T4&list=WL&index=1&pp=gAQBiAQB

and the thoughts are great I believe in it but in this moment, of being filled with anger and regret I knew that I was supposed ti go sleep earlier, I knew what I should have done and then there is the knowledge. And the fact that breathe in and out, past is in the past you can’t change that. But the anger with myself oh I wanna be angry, I deserve the anger, you know what I mean?

When you as a kid were behaving badly yiu were punished or did not do what you were meant to do.

I was walking and I wanted to kick things and cry and scream, WHY AM I LIKE THIS

why i cant follow up on plans

“everything is happening for ny higher good and reason”

well fuck that!

in this society and current age I wanna be perfect! and now! I saw this videos, millions of them actually, and I know what I should or shouldn’t be doing to be successful and I planned it, so where’s the EXECUTION??!?!?!

I’m already scared of how Im going to be dissatisfied with myself tomorrow again.

How i wont be able to follow up on all my plans.

I need help😭