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dustedmagazine · 3 years

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Dust, Volume 7, Number 7

What are Grandbrothers doing to that piano?

Greetings from under the heat dome, where shipments of vinyl are melting mid-journey and even the coolest of cool jazz sounds a little wilted by the time it reaches your ear. We are sitting in the shade. We are drinking lemonade and iced tea. We are looking for the window fans and lugging old air condition units up from the basement. We are, perhaps, headed to the community pool for the first time since our kids were young, though also, perhaps not. In any case, we are still getting through piles of recorded music, even in this heat, and finding some gems. Here are dispatches from the furthest reaches of Japanese psych, European free jazz, self-released indie folk, Irish lockdown angst, Moroccan raging punk and lots of other stuff. Contributors included Mason Jones, Jennifer Kelly, Bill Meyer, Tim Clarke, Bryon Hayes, Jonathan Shaw, Arthur Krumins and Chris Liberato. Stay cool.

Yuko Araki — End of Trilogy (Room40)

End Of Trilogy by Yuko Araki

These 16 tracks whoosh past in just 35 minutes, with most of them clocking in around two minutes in length. Many don't reach a conclusion: they simply end abruptly, and the next one starts. Araki manipulates electronics to create whirling, sizzling atmospheres of confusion, sometimes fast-moving burbles of percussion and synths, at other moments pushing distorted hissing and confrontational tones to the front. The aptly-named "Dazed" begins with a cinematic feel, then its galactic drones give way to static and metallic scrapes. "Positron in Bloom" is like a chorus of machine voices shouting angry curses into space, and "Dreaming Insects" sounds as if the titular creatures are being pulled downstream in fast-moving rapids. Oscillating between menacing and humorous, End of Trilogy's bite-sized pieces of surrealist electronics are never boring.

Mason Jones

Alexander Biggs — Hit or Miss (Native Tongue Music Publishing)

Hit or Miss by Alexander Biggs

Alexander Biggs blunts sharp, stinging lyrics in the sweetest sort of strummy indie-pop, working very much in the Elliott Smith style of sincerity edged with lacerating irony. “All I Can Do Is Hate You” finds a queasy intersection between soft pop and tamped down rage, Biggs murmuring phrases like “I want you to fuck me til I can’t say your name,” but melodically, over cascades of acoustic guitar. “Madeline” is the pick of the litter here, a dawdling jangle of guitar framing knife-sharp lyrics about romantic disillusionment. “Miserable,” sports a bit of lap steel for emotional resonance, demonstrating once more, if you had any doubt, that very sad songs can make you feel better somehow. Biggs is good at both the softness and the sting, and for guy-with-a-guitar albums, that’s what you need.

Jennifer Kelly

Christer Bothén 3 — Omen (Bocian)

Omen by Christer Bothén 3

Dusted’s collective consciousness has spent a lot of time considering Blank Forms’ recent publication, Organic Music Societies, which considers Don and Moki Cherry’s convergence of artistic and familial efforts during the 1960s and 1970s, as well as the two archival recordings by Don and associates, which shed light upon his Scandinavian musical activities. All three are worth your attention, but their liveliness is shaded by the awareness that almost every hopeful soul involved is no longer with us. But Christer Bothén, who introduced Don to the donso ngoni and subsequently played in his bands for many years, is not only among the living, he’s got breath to spare. This trio recording doesn’t delve into the African sounds that bonded Bothén and Don. Rather, the Swede’s bass clarinet draws bold and emphatically punctuated melodic lines, driven by a steaming rhythm section that takes its cues from Ornette Coleman’s mid-1960s trio recordings. This music may not sound new, but it’s full of lived-in knowledge and vigor.

Bill Meyer

Briars of North America — Supermoon (Brassland)

Supermoon by Briars of North America

New York-based trio Briars of North America take patient, painterly, occasionally cosmic approach to folk music. With “Sala,” Supermoon sounds like a backwoods Sigur Ros. A falsetto voice intoning a made-up language arcs elegantly over sustained waves of electric piano. Soon after, the album touches down into more grounded guitar-and-cello territory on pieces such as “Island” and “Chirping Birds,” which bring to mind Nick Drake, albeit less contrary or withdrawn. At the album’s midway point, the listener is carried into the aether with the eerie sustained brass and wordless vocals of the eight-minute “The Albatross of Infinite Regress.” A similar space is explored at the album’s end with the 12-minute “Sleepy Not Sleepy,” as strings and warbling synthesizer tones intermingle with the return of the made-up language. Though the band’s more conventional vocal-led songs, such as “Spring Moon,” are decent enough, Briars of North America touch upon something expansive and ineffable when they explore their more experimental side.

Tim Clarke

Bryan Away — Canyons to Sawdust (self-released)

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Chicago-based actor, composer and multi-instrumentalist Elliot Korte releases music under the moniker Bryan Away. His new album, Canyons to Sawdust, begins with what feels like two introductions. “Well Alright Then” is a Grizzly Bear-style scene-setter for wordless voices, strings and woodwinds, while “Within Reach” sounds like a tentative cover of Radiohead’s “Pyramid Song” that runs out of steam before it had the chance to build momentum. The first full song, single “The Lake,” gets the album up and running in earnest with its melancholy piano and string arrangement spiked with pizzicato plucks and bright acoustic guitar figures. Half Waif lends her vocal talents to “Dreams and Circumstance,” another highlight featuring some lovely interplay between guitar arpeggios and drum machine. One pitfall of exploring romantic musical territory is the risk of sounding a tad saccharine, and the weakest links in the album, companion tracks “Scenes From a Marriage” and “Scenes From a Wedding,” have the kind of performative tone you’d expect to find on the soundtrack of a mainstream romantic comedy. Elsewhere, though, Korte’s judgment is sound, and there’s plenty of elegant music to be found. Fans of Sufjan Stevens will no doubt find a lot to like, and it’ll be interesting to see where Bryan Away ventures next.

Tim Clarke

Jonas Cambien Trio — Nature Hath Painted Painted The Body (Clean Feed)

Nature Hath Painted the Body by Jonas Cambien Trio

On its third album, the Jonas Cambien Trio has attained such confidence that it’s willing to mess with its signature sound. The Oslo-based combo’s fundamental approach is to stuff the expressive energy and textural adventure of free jazz into compositions that are by turns intricate and rhythmically insistent but always pithy. This time, the Belgian-born pianist Cambien also plays soprano sax and organ. The former, stirred into André Roligheten’s bundle of reed instruments, brings airy respite from the music’s tight structures; the latter, dubbed into locked formation with the piano and jostled by Andreas Wildhagen’s restlessly perambulating percussion, expands the music’s tonal colors. The tunes themselves have grown more catchy, so much so that their twists and turns only become apparent with time and repeat listening.

Bill Meyer

Ferran Fages / Lluïsa Espigolé — From Grey To Blue (Inexhaustible Editions)

From Grey To Blue by Ferran Fages

When discussion turns to a pianist’s touch, it’s tempting to think mainly of what they do with their fingers. But it must be said that Lluïsa Espigolé exhibits some next-level footwork on this realization of Ferran Fages’ From Grey To Blue. Fages is a multi-instrumentalist who functions equally persuasively within the realms of electroacoustic improvisation and heavy jazz-rock, but for this piece, which was devised specifically for Espigolé, he uses written music and an instrument he doesn’t play, the piano, to engage with resonance and melody. The three-part composition advances with extreme deliberation, often one note at a time, turning the tune into a ghostly presence and foregrounding the details of the decay of each sound. This music is so sparse that the shift to chords in the third section feels dramatically dense after a half hour of single sounds and corresponding silences. The elements of this music have been sculpted with such exquisite control that one wonders if Catalonia has looked into insuring Espigolé’s feet; her way with the piano’s pedals is a cultural resource.

Bill Meyer

Grandbrothers — All the Unknown (City Slang)

All the Unknown by Grandbrothers

The duo known as Grandbrothers hooks a grand piano up to an array of electronic interfaces, deriving not just the clear, gorgeous notes you expect, but also a variety of percussive and sustained sounds from the classic keyboard. In this third album from the two—that’s pianist Erol Sarp and electronic engineer Lukas Vogel—construct intricate, joyful collages, working clarion melodies into sharp, pointillist backgrounds. The obvious reference is Hauscka, who also works with prepared piano and electronics, but rather than his moody beauties, these compositions pulse with rave-y, trance-y exhilaration. If you ever wondered what it would sound like if the Fuck Buttons decided to cover Steve Reich, well, maybe like this, precise and complex and shimmering, but also huge and triumphant. Good stuff.

Jennifer Kelly

id m theft able — Well I Fell in Love with the Eye at the Bottom of the Well (Pogus Productions)

Well I Fell in Love With the Eye at the Bottom of the Well by id m theft able

Al Margolis’ Pogus Productions imprint has cast its gaze toward the strange happenings in Maine, netting a mutant form of electroacoustic wizardry in the process. Scott Spear is the one-man maelstrom known as id m theft able, an incredibly prolific and confounding presence in the American northeast. He draws influence from musique concrète and sound poetry, but adds a whimsical spirit, a tinker’s ingenuity and the comedic timing of a master prankster to his compositions. Sometimes this leads to the bemusement of his audience, but he tempers any surface madness with an endless curiosity and a playful sense of the meaning of the word music. Well I Fell in Love with the Eye at the Bottom of the Well ostensibly came to be via Spear’s desire to create a doo-wop tune. Only Spear himself knows whether this is fact or fiction, because it is clear from the opening moments of “Shun, Unshun and Shun” that this disc is full of sonic non-sequiturs, amplified clatter and delightful mouth happenings that are as far removed from doo-wop as possible. The madness is frequently tempered with beautiful moments: a broken music box serenades a flock of chirping birds in the middle of a mall, Spear hypnotically chants at a landscape of crickets, flutes pipe along to the patter of rain on a window. As one gets deeper into the record, the sound poetry aspects become more and more pronounced, such as on “The Curve of the Earth” and the closing piece, “Purple Rain.” Those seeking a humor-filled gateway drug into that somewhat perilous corner of the sonic spectrum would be wise to pop an ear in the direction of this frenetic assemblage of sound.

Bryon Hayes

Mia Joy — Spirit Tamer (Fire Talk)

Spirit Tamer by Mia Joy

Mia Joy turns the temperature way down on gauzy Spirit Tamer, constructing translucent castles in the air out of musical elements that you can see and hear right through. The artist, known in real life as Mia Rocha, opens with a brief statement of intent in a one-minute title track that wraps wisps of vocal melody with indistinct but lovely sustained tones. The whole track feels like looking at clouds. Other cuts are more substantial, with muted rock band instruments like acoustic and electric guitars and drum machines, but even indie-leaning “Freak” and "Ye Old Man,” are quiet epiphanies. Rocha sounds like she is singing to herself softly, inwardly, without any thought of an audience, but also so close that it tickles the hair in your ears. Rocha closes with a cover of Arthur Russell’s “Our Last Night Together,” letting rich swells of piano stand in for cello, but tracing the subtle, undulating lines of his melody in an airy register, an octave or two higher. Like Russell, Rocha sets up an interesting interplay between deep introversion and presentation for the public eye; she’s not doing it for us, but we’re listening anyway.

Jennifer Kelly

Know//Suffer — The Great Dying (Silent Pendulum Records)

The Great Dying by KNOW//SUFFER

It’s not inaccurate to describe The Great Dying as a hardcore record. You’ll hear all the burly breakdowns; buzzing, overdriven guitars; and grimly declaimed vocals that characterize the genre, which since the mid-1990s has moved ever closer to metal. But Know//Suffer have consistently infused their music with sonic elements associated with other genres of heavy music. Most of the El Paso band’s 2019 EP bashed and crashed along with grindcore’s psychotic, sprinting energy. The Great Dying is a longer record, and it slows down the proceedings considerably. There are flirtations with sludge, and even with noise rock’s ambivalent gestures toward melody: imagine Tad throwing down with a mostly-sober version of Eyehategod, and you’re more than halfway there. As ever, Toast Williams emotes forcefully, giving word to a very contemporary version existential dread. But there’s frequently a political edge to the lyrics on this new record. On “Thumbnail,” he sings, “I swallow what must be hidden / Hoping assimilation makes me whole / The whole that everyone thinks I am / Smiling under this mask knowing / I’m not hiding my face in public.” “Assimilation” is a loaded word, especially on the Southern Border, and it’s no joke walking around in public as a proud black man anywhere in Texas. Wearing a mask as you walk into Target? P.O.C. stand a chance of getting shot. Know//Suffer still sound really pissed off, but the objects of their anger seem increasing outside of their tortured psyches, located in the lifeworld’s social planes of struggle. That gives their grim music an even harder charge, and makes Williams’s performances of rage even more powerful.

Jonathan Shaw

Heimito Künst — Heimito Künst (Dissipatio)

HEIMITO KÜNST by Heimito Künst

The debut album from Italian experimental instrumentalist Heimito Künst, recorded over several years in his home studio, uses an array of electronic and primitive instrumentation to create an overall woozy, dark atmosphere. From groaning, atonal slabs of organ, like a detuned church service, to murmuring field recordings and scrapings, these seven tracks are less like songs and more like unsettling journeys through sound. Pieces like "Talking to Ulises" blend quiet Farfisa tones and a wordlessly singing voice in the distance. Ironically, although the final track is titled "Smoldering Life", it's unexpectedly brighter, with major-key synth notes over the cloudy sound of a drum being bashed to pieces before ending with an almost gentle, summertime feel.

Mason Jones

Jeanne Lee — Conspiracy (moved-by-sound)

Conspiracy by JEANNE LEE

Lots of 1960s and 1970s jazz reissues offer beautiful music, but few redefine how liberating improvised music can be. Conspiracy, originally recorded in 1974 by Lee on vocals with an ensemble that includes Sam Rivers and Gunter Hampel, falls into the latter category without feeling forced. It combines sound poetry, the conversation of spontaneity, and grooves that don’t stay on repetition but still get ingrained into your brain somehow. Best digested in a contemplative sitting, the album demands you give your whole attention to the direction of the music and words mixed with extended vocal techniques. The sound shifts from a full-on medley of flutes, drums, bass and horns with voice, to more minimal experiments. The recording is clean and uncluttered, even at its busiest. A lushly enjoyable listen.

Arthur Krumins

Sarah Neufeld — Detritus (Paper Bag)

Detritus by Sarah Neufeld

Sarah Neufeld’s third solo album grew out of a collaboration with the Toronto choreographer Peggy Baker, begun before the pandemic but dealing anyway with loss, intimacy and grief. The violinist and composer works, as a consequence with a strong sense of movement, underlining rhythms with repeated, slashing motifs in her own instrument and pounding drums (that’s Jeremy Gara, who, like Neufeld, plays in Arcade Fire). You can imagine movement to nearly all these songs. “With Love and Blindness” rushes forward in a wild swirl of strings, given weight by the buzz of low-toned synthesizer and airiness in the layer of denatured vocals; you see whirling, bending, graceful gestures. “The Top” proceeds in quicker, more playful patterns; agile kicks and jumps and shimmies are implied in its contours. “Tumble Down the Undecided” has a raw, passionate undertow, its play of octave-separated notes frantic and agitated and the drumming, when it comes, fairly gallops. This latter track is perhaps the most enveloping, the notes caroming wildly in all directions, in the thick of the struggle but full of joy.

Jennifer Kelly

Aaron Novik — Grounded (Astral Editions)

Grounded by Aaron Novik

Aaron Novik is a clarinetist with an extensive background in jazz, klezmer, rock and in-between stuff, but you wouldn’t know any of that from listening to this tape. Its ten numbered instrumentals sound more derived from the sound worlds of 1970s PBS documentaries, Residents records of similar vintage, and Pop Corn’s fluke hit, “Pop Corn.” Recorded during the spring of 2020, when Novik’s new neighborhood, Queens, became NYC’s COVID central, it manifests coping strategy that many people learned well last year; when the outside world is fucked and scary, retreat to a room and then head down a rabbit hole. In this case, that meant sampling Novik’s clarinets and arranging them into perky, bobbing instrumentals. The sounds themselves aren’t processed, but it turns out that when recontextualized, long, blown tones and keypad clatter sound a lot like synths and mechanized beats. There’s a hint of subconscious longing in this music. While it was made in a time and place when many people didn’t leave the house, it sounds like just the thing for outdoor constitutionals with a Walkman.

Bill Meyer

Off Peak Arson — S-T (Self-released)

Self Titled by Off Peak Arson

Presumably named after the Truman's Water song — a fairly obscure name check, indeed — Off Peak Arson hail from Memphis, TN. Their debut EP's five songs are less reminiscent of their namesakes than of heavier, noisier bands like Zedek-era Live Skull, Dustdevils and Sonic Youth. Which is not a bad thing at all. The four-piece leverage the dual guitars to nicely intense effect, and with all four members contributing vocals there's a lot going on, at times blending an interesting sing-song pop feel with the twisty-noisy guitar. The band have a way of finding memorable hooks amidst sufficient cacophony to keep things challenging while also somehow catchy. Keep your ears open for more from this quartet.

Mason Jones

Barre Phillips / John Butcher / Ståle Liavik Solberg — We Met – And Then (Relative Pitch)

We met - and then by Phillips, Butcher, Solberg

In 2018, ECM Records issued End To End, a CD by double bassist Barre Phillips which capped a half-century of solo recording. You might expect this act to signal the winding down of the California-born, France-based improviser’s career; after all, he was born in 1934. And yet, in 2018 he played the first, but not the last, concert by this remarkable trio, which is completed by British soprano/tenor saxophonist John Butcher and Norwegian percussionist Ståle Liavik Solberg. Recorded in Germany and Norway during 2018 and 2019, this CD presents an ensemble whose members are strong in their individual concepts, but are also committed to making music that is completed by acts of collective imagination. The music is in constant flux, but purposeful. This intentionality is expressed not only through action, but through the conscious yielding of space, as though each player knows what openings will be best occupied by one of their comrades.

Bill Meyer

Round Eye — Culture Shock Treatment (Paper +Plastick)

“Culture Shock Treatment,” the lead-off track from this unhinged and ecletic album, swings like 1950s rock and roll, a sax frolicking in the spaces between sing-along choruses. And yet, the gleeful skronk goes a little past freewheeling, spinning off into chaos and wheeling back in again. Picture Mark Sultan trying to ride out the existential disorder of early Pere Ubu, add a horn line and step way back, because this is extremely unruly stuff. Round Eye, a band of expatriates now living in Shanghai, slings American heartlands oddball post-punk into unlikely corners. Frantic jackhammer hardcore beats (think Black Flag) assault free-from experimental calls and responses (maybe Curlew?) in “5000 Miles, “ and as a kicker, it’s a commentary on ethno-nationalist repression (“Thank…the country. Thank…the culture”). “I Am the Foreigner” hums and buzzes with exuberance, like a hard-edged B-52s, but it’s about the alienation that these Westerners most likely experience, every day in the Middle Kingdom. This is one busy album, exhausting really, a whac-a-mole entertainment where things keep popping out of holes and getting hammered back, but it is never, ever dull.

Jennifer Kelly

So Cow — Bisignis (Dandy Boy)

Bisignis by So Cow

This new So Cow record is a mood. Specifically, that mood during the third and “least fun” of Ireland’s lockdowns, when you head to your shed and bash out an album about everything that’s been lodged in your craw during a year of isolation — including, of all things, the crowd at a Martha Wainwright show (on “Requests”). And while sole Cow member Brian Kelly might have dubbed the record Bisignis, the Old English word for anxiety, it’s his discontent that takes center stage. “Talking politics with friends/Jesus Christ it never ends” Kelly sings on early highlight “Leave Group” before employing a guitar solo that could pass for some seriously fried bagpipes to help clear the room. This album takes the opposite approach of The Long Con, the project’s 2014 Goner Records one-off where So Cow made more complex moves towards XTC and Futureheads territory but obscured its greatest weapon: Kelly’s deadpan wit. And while a couple of these songs overstay their welcome with their sheer garage punk simplicity, others like “Somewhere Fast” work in the opposite way and win your ears over with repeat listens. “You are the reason I’m getting out of my own way,” Kelly sings, and in doing so has produced the project’s best full-length in a decade. So what? So Cow!

Chris Liberato

Taqbir — Victory Belongs to Those Who Fight for a Right Cause (La Vida Es Un Mus)

Victory Belongs To Those Who Fight For A Right Cause by Taqbir

In our super-saturated musical environment, another eight-minute, 7” record of scorching punk burners isn’t much of an event. But the appearance of Taqbir’s Victory Belongs to Those Who Fight for a Right Cause (the title is almost longer than the record itself) is at the very least a significant occurrence. The band comes from Morocco and features a woman out front, declaiming any number of contemporary socio-political ills. So there’s little wonder that the Internet isn’t bursting with info about Taqbir; you can find a Maximumrocknroll interview, some chatter about the record here and there, and not much else. It must take enormous courage to make music like this in Morocco, and even more to be a woman making music like this. The long reign of King Mohammed IV has edged the country toward marginal increments of cultural openness — if not thoroughgoing political reform — but conservative Islam and economic struggle are still dominant forces, combining to keep women relegated to submissive social roles. And the band is not fucking around: their name is a Moroccan battle cry, synonymous with “Alu Akbar!” Their repurposing of that slogan in support of their anti-traditionalist, anti-religious, anti-capitalist positions likely makes life in a place like Tangier or Casablanca pretty hard. The songs? They’re really good. Check out “Aisha Qandisha” (named for a folkloric phantasm that ambiguously mobilizes the feminine as murderous and rapacious monster): the music slashes and burns with just the right dash of melody, the vocals go from a simmer to a full-on rolling boil. Taqbir! y’all. Stay safe, stay strong and make some more records.

Jonathan Shaw

TOMÁ — Atom (Self-Release)

Atom by TOMÁ

Tomá Ivanov operates in interstices between smooth jazz and soul-infused electronics, splicing bits of torchy world traditions in through the addition of singers. You could certainly draw connections to the funk-leaning IDM of artists like Flying Lotus and Dam-Funk, where pristine instrumental sounds—strings, piano, percussion—meet the pop and glitch of cyber-soul. Guest artists flavor about half the tracks, pushing the music slightly off its center towards rap (“A Different You featuring I Am Tim”), quiet storm soul (“Outsight featuring Vivian Toebich”), falsetto’d art pop (“Catharsis featuring Lou Asril”) or dreaming soul-jazz experiments (“Blind War featuring Ben LaMar Gay”). Thoughout, the Bulgarian composer and guitarist paces expansive ambiences with shuffling, staggering beats, roughing up slick surfaces with just enough friction to keep things interesting.

Jennifer Kelly

The Tubs — Names EP (Trouble In Mind)

Names EP by The Tubs

“I don’t know how it works” declared The Tubs on their debut single, but they’re diving right in anyways on its follow-up, Names, with four songs that explore the self and self-other relationship. Their cover of Felt’s “Crystal Ball” tightens the musical tension of the original in places but still allows enough slack for singer Owen Williams to stretch the lyrical refrain — about the ability of another to see us better than we see ourselves — into a more melancholy shape than Lawrence. Of the EP’s three originals, Felt’s influence is most obvious in George Nicholls’ guitar work on “Illusion,” especially when the change comes and his lead spirals off Deebank-style behind Williams while he questions his connection to his own reflection. “Is it just an illusion staring back at me?” “The Name Song” is the longest one here at over three minutes, and in a similar way to The Feelies, it feels like it could go on forever, which might prove useful if Williams adds more names to his don’t-care-about list. “Two Person Love” is the best track of the bunch, though, with its classic sounding riff that swoops in and out allowing room for the chiming and chugging rhythm section to do the hard work. The relationship in the song might have been “pissed up the wall,” as Williams in his Richard Thompson-esque drawl puts it, but The Tubs certainly seem to have figured out how this music thing works.

Chris Liberato

Venus Furs — S-T (Silk Screaming)

Venus Furs by Venus Furs

Venus Furs sounds like band, but in fact, it’s one guy, Paul Krasner, somehow amassing the squalling roar of psychedelic guitar rock a la Brian Jonestown Massacre or Royal Baths all by himself. These songs have a large-scale swagger and layers and layers of effected guitars, as on the careening “Friendly Fire,” or hailstorm assault of “Paranoia.” A ponderous, swaying bass riff girds “Living in Constant.” Its nodding repetition grounds radiating sprays of surf guitar. You have to wonder how all this would play out in concert, with Krasner running from front mic to bass amp to drum kit as the songs unfold, but on record it sounds pretty good. Long live self-sufficiency.

Jennifer Kelly

Witch Vomit — Abhorrent Rapture (20 Buck Spin)

Abhorrent Rapture by Witch Vomit

Witch Vomit has one of the best names in contemporary death metal (along with Casket Huffer, Wharflurch and Snorlax — perversely inspired handles, all), and the Portland-based band has been earning increasing accolades for its records, as well. They are deserved. Witch Vomit plays fast, dense and dissonant songs, bearing the impress of Incantation’s groundbreaking (gravedigging?) records. Does that mean it’s “old school”? Song titles from the band’s previous LP Buried Deep in a Bottomless Grave (2019) certainly played to traditionalists’ tastes: “From Rotten Guts,” “Dripping Tombs,” “Fumes of Dying Bodies.” And so on. This new EP doesn’t indicate any significant changes in trajectory or tone, but the songwriting makes the occasional move toward melody. See especially the second half of “Necrometamorphosis,” which has a riff or two that one could almost call “pleasant.” If that seems paradoxical, check out the EP’s title. Is that an event, a gruesome skewing of Christianity’s big prize for the faithful? Or is it an affective state, in which abject disgust somehow builds to ecstatic transport? Who knows. For the band’s part, Witch Vomit keeps chugging, thumping and squelching along, doling out doleful songs like “Purulent Burial Mound.” Yuck. Sounds about right, dudes.

Jonathan Shaw

yes/and — s-t (Driftless Recordings)

yes/and by yes/and

This collaboration between guitarist Meg Duffy (Hand Habits) and producer Joel Ford (Oneohtrix Point Never) is an elusive collection of shape-shifting instrumentals. Each piece is built around Duffy’s guitar, yet the timbre and mood tends to switch dramatically between tracks. The album’s run-time is fairly evenly split between dark, atmospheric pieces, such as “More Than Love” and “Making A Monument,” and hopeful, glimmering miniatures, such as “Centered Shell” and the wonderfully titled “In My Heaven All Faucets Are Fountains.” “Learning About Who You Are” looms large at the album’s heart, as nearly eight minutes of hazy, wind-tunnel drone pulses and reverberates across the stereo space. Despite the variation in tone, each track stakes out its own territory in the tracklist, and it’s only “Tumble” that comes across as an unrealized idea. While it’s only half an hour, yes/and feels longer, its circuitous routes opening up all kinds of possibilities.

Tim Clarke

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bobbystompy · 4 years

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My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids”

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin’ Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* - though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end).

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

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thegaytwentysomething · 4 years

Text

Smile - Katy Perry: Full Album Review

Track by Track:

1. Never Really Over - 9.5/10

2. Cry About It Later - 9/10

3. Teary Eyes - 9.5/10

4. Daisies - 8/10

5. Resilient - 7.5/10

6. Not the End of the World - 8.5/10

7. Smile - 6.5/10

8. Champagne Problems - 9/10

9. Tucked - 9.5/10

10. Harleys in Hawaii - 10/10

11. Only Love - 7/10

12. What Makes A Woman - 7/10

Katy Perry, the quintessential pop star of the 2010s, is no longer #1. After a disastrous Witness era marred by weak singles, poor promotion, and a lack of good PR, Katy’s gold star was left less shiny, very well-dented, and collecting some dust. The chapter of Katy’s career as the number one pop star in the world has closed. This is the scene for Smile: what to do once you’ve closed a chapter in your life. In a sonically mixed 12 tracks, Katy explores this topic head on, and though very much imperfect, she succeeds in embracing her flaws and creates a template for her years to come.

On the triumphant opening track “Never Really Over”, Katy starts a breathy vocal just a second after the initial synth note - a quick rebound from the past few years. Throughout the song, she bounces between airy syncopation, belted choruses, and rapid staccato over a glittery beat. Though not a career-defining track, the song never tries to be. Instead, Katy sounds beautifully vulnerable, carefree, and self-assured. We’re off to a good start.

After, Katy sinks into a cool, modern sound with “Cry About It Later”. This track is perhaps her most radio-ready in years, embracing the darker minimalist EDM of Ariana Grande and The Weeknd. With that said, it doesn’t sound like Katy is clawing for a hit. A guitar solo after the bridge breaks up an otherwise completely tailored-for-radio instrumental. Katy’s lyrical voice is clear with vivid idiosyncrasies about champagne, tattoos, devils, and angels. A team of songwriters hired to ensure a hit would have sanded off all of the character of the track. Luckily, Katy keeps her voice even under lots of filters on this radio-ready track with an ear worm chorus.

Katy then does a 180 back to 2012 with “Teary Eyes”, a gay club-ready EDM house banger. The trope of dancing through adversity and heartbreak is a gay tale as old as Judy Garland’s ruby reds, and Katy gives us the goods on this campy, melodramatic, and infectious gem. The chanting choir mimicking the chorus’s melody in a grooving “oh oh oh” is the cherry on top of a saccharine, yet satisfying tune. The song takes the infectiousness of Britney Spears’s “Till the World Ends” and euphoria of Kylie Minogue’s “Get Outta My Way” and fuses it with the anthemic drama of Perry’s “Rise”. Will it succeed on 2020 radio? Absolutely not. Is it a worthy addition to her discography? Absolutely.

The album shifts gears into adult contemporary with the slightly banal “Daisies”, which marches confidently towards mom pop empowerment in the spirit of Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” and Pink’s “Try”. Slightly more acoustic than your typical Democratic National Convention styled anthem, “Daises” comes from a place of earnestness. While it fails as a serious smash comeback single or a real classic like “Roar”, the track does just fine on the album, and doesn’t seem to be trying to prove anything in particular. Like the comfy Volvo station wagon in which this song may be played on adult contemporary radio, the song lacks sex appeal, but gets the job done.

“Daisies” almost perfectly segues into “Resilient” which sounds exactly as you’d expect. Safe, expected, and trite. On the plus side, the song does showcase some nice belts and is reminiscent of Katy’s very early pre One of the Boys lyricism. In an album context, the song succeeds quietly in letting Katheryn Hudson just be herself without pretense. There is a charm in the simplicity, and for that I won’t write the song off completely.

In a fairly jarring transition, Katy goes back to the trap-lite sound of “Dark Horse” with the over-baked “Not the End of the World”. This song isn’t bad, and in many respects, it is actually a banger. However, between the oddly-placed “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye” sample and an aggressive use of auto tune, the song never seems to neatly achieve the impact for which it aims. Perhaps it is because the instrumental lacks the punch of “Dark Horse”, or perhaps it is because the triumphant theme is slightly discordant with a darker trap-pop sound, but the song never seems to really land quite as strongly as intended. It lacks focus. With that said, Katy’s Kim Petras-esque sing-talk verses are sung with a real swagger she so often lacks, and the song is anything but a bore. This track is certain to be polarizing, and on some level I applaud its chaotic approach.

After dancing through adversity and halfway creating a sense of empowerment through the first half of the album, Katy finally reclaims her “Smile” in the titular track. I recently heard the instrumental of this funk-lite track playing in the background of a Target advertisement, and frankly that is about all you need to know about the song. While I’m thrilled Katy has found joy, I’m less thrilled to hear corny lyrics like “I got a smile like Lionel Richie” on the title track of an otherwise good album. Katy truly doesn’t seem like she gives a fuck what I think on this track though, and for that I have to give some praise. It is nice when an artist isn’t seeking the public’s approval, and sometimes embracing joy can be cheesy. Maybe on a level, I want what she’s having.

The album starts anew in the second half with the very Harry Styles sounding track “Champagne Problems”. Like “Legendary Lovers” and “Roulette” before it, this song is sure to be an instant fan favorite. Every second is sonically interesting, mature, and satisfying. Like a crisp glass of bubbly, Katy seems mature, yet flirty and fun. I’m here for it. It’s great to be at a point where all you have is champagne problems, and this song sells that idea effectively. While not her best song, it is a good song, which is sometimes all you need need. Cheers!

If “Champagne Problems” was for those who love PRISM, then “Tucked” is for those who love Teenage Dream. From the strumming pop guitar to the big singalong chorus, “Tucked” leans into Katy’s strengths and embraces flirty fun in a way that she’s been trying to run away from for years. In the scope of the album and her career, the song is a blast from the past. It is a simpler Katy, and one which many have claimed to miss. At the same time, the return to form isn’t a desperate attempt at a hit. Simple pop songs like “Birthday” and “Last Friday Night” don’t make chart toppers in 2020. In that sense, this song is actually a bold choice, and a very confident one. To me, it says “I can still do that Teenage Dream stuff you always want me to do”, and it embraces it fully as one aspect of Katy Perry. Your past is still part of you, and you can go back to fun even when you’ve grown - and this song proves that. I quite love this little pop banger, and the album is much better for it.

I’ve written much in the past about my eternal love for Katy’s best song since “Dark Horse”, but let it just be said that I adore “Harleys in Hawaii”. Every second of this song is engaging, sexy, and sonically fabulous. For those who love the unique vocal and lyrical stylings of Katy Perry, this is a real treat. For those who don’t, this is probably just another so-so song. If you know what you’re listening for though, wow, what a track. It takes you to a fantasy, and immerses you in island vibes. This gem earned its place on this track list no matter what anyone says, and Katy knows it.

Then comes “Only Love” which drags on with trite, yet cute melodies and lyrics. For those who like the back half of PRISM, this song may really resonate, but for those of us who like a more sultry Perry, this track is a chore to listen to.

Closing the album is the personal “What Makes A Woman”. While not even Perry’s best album closer, the song is a cute cut, and may have done best replacing “Smile” in the middle of the album as an acoustic break between two pop halves.

All in all, this album does a good job of getting rid of the bitter taste of Witness and showcasing a broad spectrum of Katy’s distinctive artistic identity. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. Is it worthwhile? Absolutely. That seems to be the message here, both through the lyrics and through the meta messaging of the album’s direction in the context of Katy’s career. Cliche but true: you don’t have a thing to prove to anyone - just be you. Similarly, nobody can ever take away the gold star Katy earned during the first half of the 2010s. Her legacy is secure, the tragedies are behind her, and now she (and we) can enjoy the joy of the full spectrum of life without judgement or fear of failure.

Overall Grade: B+

#katy perry #smile #review

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joannerowlingfans · 4 years

Link

JK Rowling’s Track Of My Years choices:

Cloudbusting by Kate Bush

Heaven by Emeli Sande

Big Country by Big Country

Court and Spark by Joni Mitchell

All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix

River Song by Dennis Wilson

Ramble On by Led Zeppelin

Waitress by First Aid Kit

Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers

Dream On Dreamer by Brand New Heavies

Cloudbusting by Kate Bush – being a student in Paris:

JK: [Cloudbusting] came out in 1985 when I was still a student… because I was studying French I spent a year in Paris… I was teaching students in a lycee, basically a comprehensive on the outskirts of Paris. It was a very particular experience going away, I left a boyfriend back in Britain and we were all quite young and we were all quite broke… we had some wonderful adventures during that time… there’s something very wistful about that track… we were all people who like to travel and there was a sense of being lost, but in quite a nice way I suppose, we were exploring life a lot at that time… I don’t know how I managed to get Paris because a lot of my friends ended up in tiny little towns in the middle of nowhere so we all had very varied experiences. I couldn’t believe that I’d got Paris which was of course my first choice.

Heaven by Emeli Sande – remembering the fear of doing the London Olympics Opening Ceremony

JK: I love this song so much, but I have a particular memory attached to it which was the London Olympics Opening Ceremony. They played this track during the ceremony and that was probably the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done in my life, being part of that Opening Ceremony and, in fact, I told Danny Boyle twice, ‘I can’t do it, Danny, I just can’t, I would be too scared’. I’ve got better, but I find public speaking an ordeal. I’ve got better at it and I’ve made myself get braver about it, but I said to him I can’t do it in front of that large an audience, I can’t do it live, please don’t ask me and he kept asking, kept asking me and finally he just said to me, ‘Look, we’ve got the Queen jumping out of an aeroplane’ and when he told me that I honestly thought, [that] no-ones even going to remember I was there. If that’s happening, that’s sort of takes the pressure off! But I do remember just rehearsing and practising and practising this little piece I had to read and when it was over I cannot tell you the sense of exhilaration that I’d done it, I hadn’t fallen over, I hadn’t messed up the reading so I went up into the stands to sit with some people I knew and then we watched this extraordinary ceremony and they played this Emeli Sande track and I will forever associate it with that night…. I said to my husband on the night, ‘On my deathbed, that will be a moment I remember, going out into that stadium.’ It was the most epic event that I’d ever been involved in and I think all of us who participated would say the same thing, nothing will ever come close.

Big Country by Big Country – first ever gig

JK: Now I had to put Big Country by Big Country on the list because this was my first ever live gig. I went to Dingwalls in Bristol with my teenage boyfriend… and they were amazing live… and I just thought they were wonderful, they really were.

Ken: You’ve lived in many different places, where do you feel home is, where do you feel drawn to?

JK: Well, home now is definitely Scotland. I’ve lived most of my life now in Edinburgh, I’ve lived here longer than I’ve lived anywhere else, but when I was younger I had very itchy feet and I’ve lived in London, Manchester, Paris, Oporto… I’ve moved around a lot. I also, within those cities, kept moving. I just do have very itchy feet. But when I had my daughter, I decided consciously, not that that has to stop because I love travelling and as a family we travel a lot, but I decided that she needed roots so we stayed in Edinburgh, which I now love and really do consider my home and my city… [Travelling] is a useful thing to have done and to have seen life from a lot of different perspectives… and I love exploring.

Court and Spark by Joni Mitchell – on inspiring her latest book

JK: Before I began writing Troubled Blood… I looked up all the albums that came out in 1974 because the whodunnit… concerns a women who vanished in 1974 and I wanted to peg her disappearance to an album that she would have loved and I saw that Court and Spark… had come out then and I thought that’s perfect, perfect for this character. So then I began listening to it and listening to it and listening to it and then I loved it so much I now literally own everything that Joni Mitchell has ever brought out and I can now honestly call myself a mad Joni Mitchell fan. It was an odd way to discover all her other work, but I think she’s just untouchable, and as a lyricist I think there’s no one better. My husband last Christmas bought me a book of all her lyrics and it can be read like fine poetry. She’s absolutely extraordinary… Court and Spark is now one of my very favourite albums.

All Along The Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix – playing it after a bad break-up and being insecure

Since first hearing this song when I think I was probably 18 or 19, I’ve always had it in my music. I do remember playing it very loudly and drunkenly after one bad break-up and I think the attraction there was the opening line, ‘There must be some way out of here’. But it’s just a great song and he again, what a talent and at the venerable age I have reached now, looking back at artists who died so young is particularly poignant I think. I mean you ache for them because you think what would Jimi Hendrix have achieved if he’d lived to past the age of 27? It’s just extraordinary that people produce work of that quality when they’re so young… I think the thing I admire most is having the confidence because I had the idea for Harry Potter when I was 25 and I’d done a lot of writing before then, but I was extraordinarily insecure and very rarely shared anything that I’d written. I wrote some spoof things for friends to make them laugh, but I never shared anything that I’d written in earnest because I was quite insecure. But of course performers are different and they are driven to share in a way that writers don’t do; obviously we live in a far more introverted life, but… I am drawn to biographies of people like Hendrix because I am just in awe of what they did and what they achieved.

River Song by Dennis Wilson – reminding her of the pandemic during lockdown

This is always going to remind me of the pandemic, this song, because I’ve been listening to his album Pacific [Ocean] Blue which is a bit of an undiscovered gem. I’d had it for a while and listened to it, but it seems to be speaking to me in lockdown and River Song – maybe it resonates because certainly lots of my friends have talked about rediscovering being in the natural world in lockdown – having space and time to appreciate the small things. That’s not to say that any of us wouldn’t change things in a heartbeat, but it has brought a lot of us closer to family. Just having time to enjoy small things has been one small upside of the pandemic

Waitress by First Aid Kit – reminding her of an old friend

I think they’re kind of wonderful. This song in particular reminds me of one of my oldest friends Lynn she and I were in Paris together, we’d never have met otherwise because she’s American. There’s something about our shared nomadic tendencies in this song because it is a song about escape and reinvention. Now I’m very fortunate, I no longer feel the desire to escape or to reinvent myself I am very happy and I have a wonderful family. But I think this is a song about young women feeling displaced and feeling anxious and I think that’s the reason both of us particularly love this track.

On her lack of belief/confidence in writing

You have to push through your lack of belief. Certainly with Potter and with other things I’ve written, I’ve put them down for months at a time. I have got better at believing that I can push through. I remember when I was writing Potter I was writing two other things simultaneously and slowly but surely I realised that Potter was the best of them. And even though I was very insecure I just kept pushing on, pushing on. Actually, the thing that pushed me to complete the book and really to have belief, was having made such a mess of my life generally. In fact I do remember feeling, ‘Look, so you get turned down by every publisher in the country, what’s to lose now?’ Well you know, it was even that I thought it would be a massive success because I certainly didn’t. What I did believe was, I came to a point where I thought, ‘This is a good story and I’m going to put everything into this and see what happens.’ And I’d lost the fear of failing or rejecting that had probably hampered me a little bit early on in my writing.

On the Robert Galbraith books being a desire to that that the writing was as good as she thought it was and it wasn’t her name that was selling?

Yeah, that was definitely in there. I think I had a real yen to go back to the beginning, to go back to what’s important. And to get unvarnished criticism. And so I became Robert and it was a fantastic experience. I can honestly say the rejection letters were fantastic. I know that sounds bizarre and masochistic, but it was satisfying because I was getting unvarnished feedback and I was resilient enough to think, ‘Well that is a fair comment, but no I don’t agree with that comment’ because you’ve got to have faith in what you’re doing but I’ve never been arrogant enough not to believe that I need feedback and a good editor is essential, however successful you are.

Ramble On by Led Zeppelin – growing up

When I was really young, I mean sixteen or seventeen, growing up on the Welsh border, Led Zeppelin was a real thing for me as an adolescent and my oldest friend Sean he loved Zeppelin and it was something we shared. I just love Ramble On.

Ain’t No Sunshine by Bill Withers – on a moving marital moment and lockdown being a special time with her family

JK: Well I think of all the love songs written, this might be my favourite. It’s such a beautiful, simple sentiment, but I have an additional reason for choosing it, which is that it took lockdown for my husband to say to me… I was playing it in the kitchen while cooking something; he walked in, he said, ‘This always makes me think of you when you’re down in London’ and that was a very moving marital moment so now it has an extra layer of meaning for me. [On lockdown]…. Well, I hope that all listeners have had the happy experience that I’ve had of it being quite a special time. We also have teenage kids and it’s been kind of wonderful to spend that extra time with them.

On being involved with the screen adaptations of her work

JK: Well, interestingly, I’ve been much more involved in the TV show than I have been with the movies. With the TV show, because I’m writing a series about my detectives, Strike and Robin, I have been very involved because I didn’t want the TV show to take them to places that I know they wouldn’t go because I know what’s coming, so that’s been such a happy project. I’ve loved all of it and I think and believe it’s been a very happy experience for everyone involved… a lovely cast and amazing crew, it’s been really satisfying…. It’s always a challenge because certain changes need to be made between novel and screen and I’m always sympathetic to that; different media have different demands, but the tv adaptations of the Galbraith novels I think have been very very faithful.

On fan feedback before it was known she was writing as Robert Galbraith

JK: The first three months I had, when no one knew it was me and I was Robert Galbraith, and Robert started to get letters… and fan feedback which was so genuine and so lovely. I think what people are mostly drawn to are the central relationship between the two detectives and I’m constantly being asked, ‘When are they going to get together?’ So, yeah, I think people will be happy with this book because they certainly do advance in their relationship, though possibly not quite the advance that everyone’s hoping for, but I loved writing that [latest book], it was a joy.

Dream On Dreamer by Brand New Heavies – on dreaming that Potter might be a success

JK: This is such a personal and meaningful track to me. When I was finishing the first Potter book, this track was being played constantly on the radio, and in one of the cafes that I used to write in, it felt as though this song was played every three minutes and I can remember more than once asking myself, ‘Is that who you are, are you the dreamer?’ [for] thinking that this can be published or will be published? But I still had this degree of belief in the story that quelled my doubts and made me keep working, difficult though it was at that time, so it always takes me back to just being on the threshold of the insanity that then ensued, because at that time I could have had no idea what was coming.

#jkr interview #jkr interviews #jk rowling #robert galbraith #harry potter author #joanne rowling #j. k. rowling #jkr #joanne kathleen rowling #author of harry potter #she who must not be named #she who shall not be shamed

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lovecolibri · 3 years

Note

SaL anon here to continue Malex feels week with Heirloom. Originally I would have called this an Alex song, but after Michael's speech to Jesse in 2x11 I'd say it's an Alex song and Michael's the singer. Seriously "Alex is past all that. He's past you. And he's past me." is a perfect paraphrase of "you are so much more than your father's son, you are so much more than I've become". Every line feels like Michael reassuring Alex while reflecting on his own self-worth (negatively of course).

Oooooh, Nonnie this is SUCH a good one! It is bright and happy sounding with that fiddle and the lyrics are so earnest and hopeful and I LOVE this for Alex. How interesting that you see it with Michael as the speaker! It definitely fits in places, though it’s written as an older speaker talking to a younger generation (father to son most likely, but Jesse Manes is a War CrimeTM and he can choke) so after season 2, I always sort of picture Tripp as the speaker, especially with the parallels with him and Nora, and Malex. But no matter what, I get ALL of the Alex Manes feels on this one because it’s exactly what he deserves to hear.

you try your hardest to leave the past alone. this crooked posture is all you’ve ever known. it is the consequence of living in between the weight of family and the pull of gravity.

you are so much more than your father’s son. you are so much more than what i’ve become.

Those last two lines will never NOT hit hard on my Alex feels. “You are so much more than your father’s son” is so poignant for Alex, but also “You are so much more than what I’ve become” definitely hits the mark with both Tripp and Michael (”He’s past you, and he’s past me” Please, my heart 😭😭😭)

long before you were born there was light hidden deep in these young, unfamiliar eyes. a million choices, though little on their own, become the heirloom of the heaviness you’ve known.

you are so much more than your father’s son. you are so much more than what i’ve become, what i’ve become, what i’ve become.

So this verse is such an interesting look at how the actions of the past affect the future and especially through the lens of Alex and Michael it speaks a lot to generational trauma. “A million choice, though little on their own, become the heirloom of the heaviness you’ve known” just, OOF.

you pressed rewind for the thousandth time when the tapes wore through. so you memorized those unscripted lines, desperate for some kind of clue: when the scale tipped, when you inherited a fight that you were born to lose. it’s not your fault, no, it’s not your fault, i put this heavy heart in you. i put this heavy heart in you.

This again speaks so well to Alex. While the lyrics in a normal context are likely talking about watching old family videos looking for yourself in the faces, voices, and actions of past family members, when I think about Alex I just see him going through those Project Shepherd and Caulfield files looking for clues. I just love the line “when the scale tipped, when you inherited a fight that you were born to lose” which, ouch, and then bringing back the Tripp Manes of it all with the “it’s not your fault, I put this heavy heart in you” it just aligns so perfectly with that story and going into that last verse that I think would be exactly what Tripp would say if he could speak to Alex now, because let’s be real, he didn’t get Nora out of Caulfield and we saw in the flashbacks he lived to be an old man before he was killed by his brother and buried in that shed. I hope we get more to that story to find out why he wasn’t able to get her out.

you remind me of who i could have been, had i been stronger and braver way back then. a million choices, though little on their own, became the heirloom of the heaviness we’ve known.

😭😭😭

This last chorus is somehow even more Alex because it mentions winning wars which is a theme with Alex’s character and again, could be Tripp or Michael speaking here.

you are so much more than your father’s son. you are so much more than the wars you’ve won. you are so much more than your father’s son. you are so much more than what i’ve become.

Excuse me while I go wallow in my Alex Manes feels for the next 100 years.

youtube

#my sweet nonnie friends #sleeping at last anon #roswell nm #alex manes #tripp manes #michael guerin #sleeping at last #heirloom #i love this song #but after rnm and meeting alex manes it hits different #can we please get malex holding each other next season?#while michael assures alex he isn't his father?#and alex assures michael he isn't a waste of space and is loved?#i am begging

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detroitwhatitmeanstobehuman · 4 years

Text

Chapter 5 - Conflicting Directives

Part 5/17 of What it Means to be Human

Word Count: 10,488

Warnings: Swearing (not as much this time), mild suggestive banter, character death, post-loss grieving, descriptions of a car accident and hospitalization.

Genre: Self-insert/Hurt/Comfort/Fluff

Pairing: OC (Detective Rachel) X Connor

Rating: Mature

Summary: The day is done and Detective Rachel has gone home. Connor, making earnest on his promise, arrives at her home to make amends. He learns the extent of her loss and trauma and notices strange things about her affect on him. It seemed as though without doing anything, Connor’s software instability increases almost continuously around her, but even more strangely, he’s not bothered by it.

First Chapter | Previous Chapter

---------------------------------

Date: November 6th, 2038 Time: 06:34 PM Objective: Find Amanda

Within his mind palace’s zen garden, the RK800 android found himself in once again, prepared to make another report to Amanda, his handler. It was a familiar and peaceful place, with many modern-style bridges that led to the centre of the small lake within.

But first and foremost, the strange device to his left that he always triggered, but never understood why. He was strangely drawn not only to it, but to trigger it. It was like a console with an input for handprint recognition just in front of a circular sculpture-like structure.

He never understood why he triggered it, or why whenever he did, he could feel something constantly shifting. He simply felt compelled to do so.

But nevertheless, he did what he always did, and made his way to the centre, where his trusted handler typically was. The detective android saw her as his mentor, and admitted that there was much he would do for her approval.

Amanda - Trusted He found her standing beneath the tree in the centre, her very dark skin reflected by the bright sun that lit the garden, and her braided hair done up in a tightly wound bun.

“Hello, Amanda.” Connor greeted.

“Connor, I've been expecting you.” She greeted him in return. “Would you mind a little walk?”

Connor, giving her a patient and appreciative smile, began following the elegant and poised coloured woman through the garden. “That deviant seemed to be an intriguing case. A pity you didn't manage to capture it...”

Rachel 🔓

Pragmatic

Explain

No Excuse

“The detective Lieutenant Anderson brought on today nearly had it.” Connor explained. “It managed to slip from her grasp, but I’m certain that the next case will go much more successfully.”

Amanda continued to listen intently, stealing a glance at him from time to time. “Did you manage to learn anything?” She asked him patiently.

Deviant 🔓

Diary 🔓

Signs On Walls 🔓

Birds

“It was fascinated by birds.” Connor answered, Rachel’s emphasis on the nature of the deviant’s connection to the pigeons the most prevalent in the android’s consciousness. “We've seen deviants interested in other lifeforms like insects or pets, but nothing like this.”

Amanda nodded. “What else?”

Deviant 🔓

Diary 🔓

Signs On Walls 🔓

“The walls of the apartment were covered with drawings of labyrinths and other symbols.” Connor added, informing his handler of what he saw written and drawn on the walls of the abandoned apartment. “Like the other deviants, it seemed obsessed with rA9.”

“You came very close to capturing that deviant...” Amanda pointed out. “How is your relationship with the Lieutenant developing?”

Saving Hank 🔓

Negative

Ambiguous

Positive

“He seemed grateful that I saved his life on the roof.” Connor answered earnestly, continuing to walk with the older woman. “He didn't say anything, but he expressed it in his own way.”

“It would seem that this case has become more complicated, thanks to the involvement of both Lieutenant Anderson and Detective Rachel.” She said slowly. “Having to work with the lieutenant already made this case difficult enough, but the addition of another may compromise your investigation. What do you make of her?”

Indifferent

Sincere

Dismissive

Unsure

Amanda - Trusted v “I think her addition to the case would add great benefit to our progress.” Connor answered in earnest, much to Amanda’s subtle disappointed scowl, indicated only by the smallest twinge in her full lip and narrow of her dark eyes. “She’s incredibly analytical, has a natural instinct for discerning the motives of suspects and a powerful drive. She also has a good rapport with the lieutenant and I consider her insight extremely valuable.”

Amanda’s facial expressions were almost impossible to read, as she most often kept her face entirely neutral. “You know full well that she knowingly allowed the deviants from before to escape.” She pointed out. “What do you think about her attitude towards them?”

Intriguing

Disapproving

Unsure

Indifferent

Amanda - Trusted v “I find her observations intriguing.” Connor answered flatly. “She draws many comparisons to other marginalized groups among humans, ones that I find rather fascinating and insightful. She’s very articulate and adamant in her thoughts regarding them.”

Amanda continued to stare at Connor, her expression stoic and unchanging. “In any case, she has also been officially assigned to the case.” She reminded the android. “If the cause of these outbreaks of deviancy isn’t found, they will wreak havoc. Make certain she does not become a liability.”

Connor nodded. “I understand.”

“We don't have much time.” Amanda’s eyes scanned the surroundings of the Zen Garden before settling on Connor again. “Deviancy continues to spread. It's only a matter of time before the media finds out about it.” She said, putting emphasis on the latter part of that statement. “We need to stop this, whatever it takes.”

Connor nodded obediently. “I will solve this investigation, Amanda.” He promised her. “I won't disappoint you.”

Amanda nodded, coming to the end of their walk. “You’d better hurry.” She warned. “I will inform you when we have another case. But until then, get on better terms with your new partner.”

--------

Objective: Make amends with Rachel Rachel - Warm

Leaving the self-driving taxi, Connor stepped up and approached the house. It wasn’t a particularly large house, but it had two levels and a large window to the right side when approaching the front door. As the android approached the house, he stepped up to the door and was about to knock when he heard a sound coming from inside.

Knock

Investigate

Leaning over towards the window, he began examining what was playing inside. It was her, in what looked like a kitchen, smiling. Smiling, dancing, singing, and playing with a large black dog.

And I'm begging you, bring me back to life.

I just can't stand leaving you alone tonight.

It's too late to go.

Already taken me forever just to try to know.

Connor quickly matched the song and found it to be an old 2011 song called Stutter from the album Ever After by Mariana’s Trench. She wasn’t dancing in any specific way, simply bouncing on her feet and moving her shoulders in rhythm with her eyes closed.

One for the money, two for the show,

three to get ready, and four to go.

For the life of me,

I don't know why it took me so long to see.

The way her hair bounced on her shoulders and the way her smile contorted to the lyrics of the song was utterly captivating. She was spontaneous, free, and entirely shameless in her sheer joy. It didn’t even occur to him that he was already recording her so that he could commit this to detailed memory.

I just stutter, stutter, stutter,

Di-di-di-di-di-did I?

Stutter, stutter, stutter,

Di-di-di-di-di-di-did I?

Stutter, stutter, stutter,

Di-di-di-di-di-did I?

Stutter, stutter, stutter,

Di-di-di-di-di-di-did I?

Software Instability ^ Connor realized that he couldn’t take his eyes off her as she was behaving wholly organically as she truly was. This was what she was like in her own time, when it was just herself in her own space. And he would be lying if it wasn’t utterly captivating listening to her sing and watching her dance with such freeform careless abandon, throwing all caution to the wind to get completely lost in her own rhythm. She was making strange flapping motions with her hands and tapping and hitting the counter in various ways to the music which he couldn’t help but find incredibly endearing.

But it didn’t last, as she then locked eyes with him, her brown eyes wide in shock, very much resembling a deer caught in headlights. Not that Connor had ever seen that himself, but he was aware of the phenomenon. After all, there wasn’t very much large wildlife in Detroit, at least not in the city.

She didn’t seem to really be afraid as she sort of just stood there. Connor took that as a good enough reason to step back in front of the door and ring the doorbell.

Although, as soon as he had done that, the music stopped and the rumbles of a deep bark and a loud and boisterous laugh resounded through the house and were audible from where Connor was standing. It was unmistakably hers, but he had never heard her laugh like that. Not with so much energy and force behind it. It was surprising, and it made Connor’s lip twinge in the smallest smile. “Wait!” She ordered, still laughing.

Software Instability ^ The barking had stopped and the front door was opened to Rachel’s face, still contorted in a wide open-mouthed smile as she was still keeling over in laughter, clutching her diaphragm with her right arm.

Greet

Apologize

Tease

Say Nothing

“Hello, Rachel.” Connor announced curtly.

“I’m sorry,” the shorter woman said, adjusting her glasses and still trying to work through laughs and giggles, “but did you just ring the doorbell to try and pretend like you totally weren’t just staring at me through my window like a creep?”

Apologize

Tease

Say Nothing

Connor hesitated for a moment before answering. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.” He apologized, putting on his typical professional posture and persona. “It’s just that I hadn’t seen you dance or sing before.”

“That’s probably because it would be pretty tone-deaf to just break into song in the middle of a police precinct.” Rachel joked with him, before stepping back a bit, the large black dog stepping between them and sniffing at Connor eagerly.

Software Instability ^ “That’s Bear, my sweet baby boy. He loves people, he’s an absolute sweetheart.” She cooed in that baby voice many humans used when speaking to or about animals they found cute. “Yes he is! He absolutely is, the sweetest lil’ baby boy in the whole world and the cutest baby ever!” It was a tone of voice Connor couldn’t help but once again smile at as she ruffled at the large dog’s ears, the dog huffing in pleasant excitement. The android quickly identified it as a Newfoundland. They’re dogs that were bred to work in water in the province of Newfoundland and Labrador, but more specifically Newfoundland, in Maritime Canada, and often finds use as a canine lifeguard.

As Connor started petting the large black dog, who was sniffing eagerly at his face, Rachel then turned back to him, having calmed down and was looking at him with an inquisitive look. “Wait, how did you find my house? I forgot to give you the address. Did Hank give it to you?”

Truth

Lie

“No.” Connor replied. “He simply told me that you were going to be busy before you arrived at home. I didn’t think to ask him as I simply searched for it while I was leaving the precinct to depart towards your home.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel gave him a smirk that Connor now recognized as typical of her. “Oh, so now you’re also a stalker.” It was a statement that made Connor wonder if he had offended her, but her demeanour and tone of voice seemed to indicate it was nothing more than friendly banter. As she continued further into the room, she then looked back at him, her thick brown eyebrows knitted together in mild bewilderment. “Are...you gonna...come in?”

“I’m sorry, I was waiting for you to give me permission to enter.” He replied politely.

“I’m the one who invited you to my house!” Rachel pointed out with a gesture of her hand and a confused tone to her naturally loud voice. “Just come in, you dork. Take your shoes off and make sure you don’t let Bear out, he tends to chase shit into the street.”

Software Instability ^ He walked inside the house, making sure to close the door behind him, Bear’s tail wagging eagerly before he walked away to lay in what looked like a very comfortable den of blankets and pillows inside of his kennel, which was situated in the corner of the living room. “I’m just going to brew myself some tea.” Rachel called, going back towards the kitchen. “I’m assuming androids don’t eat or drink ‘cause it would probably fuck up their systems, right?”

“Correct.” Connor replied, as he began removing his work shoes with ease. “Androids cannot process the organic materials that humans consume, as it’s not compatible with their biocomponents. Consumption of such materials would indeed damage an android. However, some androids that are designed to work in food can taste what they make so that it’s suitable for a human’s needs. Their systems are specialized so that they can release the materials in the same way humans do.”

“And you, I’m guessing?” Rachel asked, an eyebrow raised. “Since I had the both amusement and disgust of learning about your filthy mouth and where it’s been.”

Software Instability ^ “Correct.” Connor answered. “Due to the nature of my analysis, I’ve also been built to release foreign materials.”

Rachel rolled her eyes. “Alright, so just tea for me, then.” She said, making her way into the kitchen. “Go ahead and have a seat. Make yourself at home.”

“Thanks.” Connor said curtly as he scanned the room.

Wait for Rachel to return Investigate Rachel’s home

He noticed that the walls were painted in very warm colours, dark oranges and rich shades of brown. It was a well-lit space, only further accentuated and magnified by the choice of colours for the interior. The kitchen led to the living room which was the room most adjacent to the large window in front. Around the corner of the wall of the living room was the kitchen and dining room combination, the sliding glass door leading to the backyard to the left of the kitchen and behind the dining room. Against the leftmost wall of the dining room, Connor could see a box that typically contained thirium or other android parts, yet there was no evidence of any working android in the home. He knew she was capable of performing small repairs on androids, but it seemed odd to have android supplies without actually possessing one.

Potentially repairing androids from home?

Connor detected another room behind the kitchen to the left from where he was facing, and peering inside, he could see several musical instruments, including an upright piano, a guitar, a ukulele, and a saxophone.

Rachel has musical interests. 🔓

To the left of the entrance and just before the dining room were the stairs leading up to the second floor, where he assumed Rachel’s bedroom was. Below the stairs was another door, likely storage, and then another that could be walked through. Given the layout Connor was noticing thus far, he concluded it was simply another door leading to the room with the piano in it.

Peering past the hallway next to the stairs was a door at the end. Given the placement of the driveway outside the house, Connor deduced that the door led to the garage. And to the left of that was a washing machine and a dryer, as well as several cupboards and shelves for various cleaning supplies and solutions.

And to the very left of the entrance was a pair of closet sliding doors, of which could be very easily assumed was for jackets, shoes, and other outdoor wear.

Surrounding the house were several photos and other decorations of various animals, most commonly owls of various species.

Rachel has a special interest in ornithology, specifically Strigiformes. 🔓

Alongside the several photographs of owls, there were illustrations of dragons, ranging from the typical four-legged winged dragons most common in pop culture, to other types such as wyverns and even some feathered varieties.

Rachel has a particular fondness for dragons.

In the living room itself, There was a large couch and two matching recliners on either side, a long coffee table seated deliberately in the middle, a remote control situated on it.

In front of the coffee table against the wall was a fireplace, the mantle holding multiple pictures and other decorations. Above the mantle was a large television screen that was switched off. “I’m just gonna put some tunes on! It’s way too quiet for me!” Connor heard Rachel call from the kitchen.

Say Nothing

“That’s fine!” Connor replied. “I don’t mind.”

The TV turned back on, a music sharing app on the screen as another album began playing. The display read The Saltwater Room, part of the 2008 album Maybe I’m Dreaming by Owl City, also known as Adam Young.

Rachel likes 2000-2020 era music.

As Connor approached to investigate the fireplace mantle, he found several photographs and other items of interest. Lying on one side of the mantle was a photograph of Rachel, a much younger Rachel, with several animals ranging from a small Syrian Hamster, to a black English Cocker Spaniel, to a Crested Gecko. Beside them were more recent photographs, one of Rachel with what appeared to be a photo of Bear as a puppy, and one with a piebald Ball Python snake.

Rachel cares deeply for animals. 🔓

Next to those photos were others of family. Some were rather old and others were more recent. Connor’s searches turned up several family members.

Of her immediate family, her father and her maternal grandmother were both deceased. Her grandmother died in 2025 and her father died in 2029

Several deceased family members.

Connor’s eyes scanned over the other end of the mantle, several decorations on it. Between them were several photographs of Rachel in what appeared to be a custom tailored suit and a veil with another taller and much wider set bearded man wearing glasses, also in a suit. It was clear that this was a wedding. The largest photo in the centre, of the pair of them smiling at the photographer, each other’s hands in the other’s.

In front of the photographs were three sets of rings. The pair on the left side was a size 7 white gold ring with a mythic topaz cut into the shape of a heart next to a size 13 sterling silver ring, the ends made to resemble a semicolon.

The pair on the right was a set of matching black steel rings of the same sizes, the small one reading “His Sally” and the larger one reading “Her Jack.” A search for media containing both the names Sally and Jack produced a stop-motion film from 1993 titled The Nightmare Before Christmas directed by Henry Selick and produced by Tim Burton.

And the pair in the middle was a pair of simple gold rings, of the same sizes. Simple bands, the surfaces engraved. The smaller one reading: “You and I are one...” and the larger one reading: “...now and forever, until the end of time.” Upon closer inspection, a date was engraved on the underside of the rings. August 25th, 2026.

Software Instability ^ Rachel is married.

Connor then turned his attention to the large photos and examined the face of the man posing with Rachel.

He turned up records that her husband, Frank, had died in January 2031.

Rachel is grieving the loss of her husband. 🔓

Having gathered enough information, Connor took a seat over on the large couch in front of the coffee table, patiently waiting for Rachel to be done with her tea.

Wait for Rachel to return Investigate Rachel’s home

“Sorry it took so long.” Rachel apologized before she entered the room, taking a seat on the couch, placing her mug on a nearby coaster on the coffee table. It was a grey mug with the star sign of Scorpio printed on it in white, labeled as such along with the dates Scorpio falls between. Upon analyzing the drink, it appeared to be a black tea blend made of cinnamon, ginger, cardamom, pink peppercorns, cloves, vanilla, and other natural flavouring.

Also in it was eggnog, likely added by Rachel to give it a more specific flavour and a more creamy texture. “It’s November, so gotta get that more cinnamony fall-flavoured tea. It’s one of my favourite holiday teas, even though it’s a year long tea at David’s Tea where I get it. Saigon Chai is what it’s called. Not much of a fan of it by itself, but with eggnog, it’s fucking amazing. Just, uh, be careful how much eggnog you put in so that you don’t just replace the taste of the tea with eggnog. Can’t stand eggnog by itself either, it’s way too sweet for me.”

Software Instability ^ She took a sip of it with a contented expression, her eyes closed in bliss as she lingered for a moment just to capture the scent of it. It almost made Connor wish that he’d been built with the ability to detect scents. “So,” she started, making direct eye contact with Connor, her dark eyes intense and yet somehow gentle and patient, “seems like we have some things to clear up between us.”

Connor nodded. “Correct.” He agreed. “But first, I wanted to inform you that Captain Fowler has officially assigned you to the deviancy case alongside Lieutenant Anderson. So from today onward, we’re officially partners.”

Rachel blinked a couple times in surprise, nodding. “Wow, finally a case fucking worth working on.” She sighed, taking another sip of her tea. “I’ve been getting a lot of boring ones or ones that barely take any effort. So, this should definitely be interesting.”

“I certainly hope so.” Connor agreed, winking at Rachel, knowing and earnestly enjoying the brief spike in her heart rate and breath intake that the gesture elicited from her.

Apologize for behaviour Understand Rachel’s reasons

She placed her mug back on its coaster, taking another sigh, before returning her gaze to the android, boring into him. “And?” She pressed.

“And,” Connor repeated, formulating the proper thing to say in this instance, “I wanted to apologize for my recklessness earlier on the highway. I should have considered the distress it would have caused both you and Lieutenant Anderson to see my destruction. And I want you to know that I will take extra precaution to ensure my own safety from now on.”

Rachel nodded, giving Connor an appreciative smile. “Thank you.” She muttered. “That really means a lot to me.”

Apologize for behaviour

The air between them had grown tense, sparking like the hum of a power cable. Connor was contemplating the next best course of action from this point.

Husband 🔓

Car Accident

Other Models

Nothing

“I’m not certain how well this will lend to your understanding of my decisions,” Connor started, Rachel returning her focus on him, taking another sip of her tea, “but I would like you to know this. When an RK800 model is destroyed, its memory is transferred to the next model. This is so that there is no slow in the investigation and so that it can continue without incident.”

“Well, I kinda figured that.” Rachel responded, much to Connor’s mild surprise. Or at least as close to surprise as he could get. “But that doesn’t matter. Just because you can upload your memories doesn’t mean you don’t die. It doesn’t make you more expendable than me. It just means that someone else has your memories, but it isn’t you.”

Her answers never seemed to fail to perplex and intrigue Connor. And despite knowing his focus should only be on his mission, he couldn’t help but want to know what she had to say. Her insights and philosophies were fascinating to him. She was more like an android than most humans, but more like a human than deviants were, clearly. Though according to her, she didn’t see much of a functional difference between the two.

And that, too, intrigued the RK800 android.

“Why’s that?” Connor asked, wanting to know what her viewpoint was. “If my memory is uploaded into another Connor model who exists to serve the same purpose, wouldn’t we still effectively be the same?”

“It’s not like when you backup a computer and put that data on another.” Rachel replied. “First of all, I doubt it’s as flawless and perfectly done as that usually is. Some data would probably get lost, I bet. And second of all, watching someone die and then show up the next day as if nothing had happened is like seeing a ghost. It’s alarming, unnerving, and it feels wrong and messes a lot with what you know is real and what isn’t. And depending on the way you die, it can be even more traumatic than it would otherwise be, though I’ve never met someone who wasn’t traumatized at the sight of someone else’s death.” She took another sip of tea, her eyes blinking in a way that Connor figured was her recollecting her thoughts in order to stay on-track of them. “And...”

Connor raised an eyebrow at her pause. “And?” He echoed.

She let out a sigh, avoiding meeting Connor’s eyes. “And it wouldn’t be you.” She finished. “It would look like you, sound like you, and maybe even act like you. But it wouldn’t be you. It wouldn’t be the same Connor I had met and protected last night. Or the same Connor I was touring around the precinct. Or the same Connor I was having banter and sharing jokes with a few hours ago.”

Connor was even more confused. “Why would that matter in regards to me?”

Software Instability ^ “Because like it or not, I already care about you and even if I didn’t, I still wouldn’t want you to die.” Rachel said rather bluntly, her dark eyes half-lidded as she took another sip of tea. “Forgive me, I’m paraphrasing again, but...this morning, we were nothing to each other. I was just another human like thousands of others. And you were just an android like the thousands in circulation. You had no need of me, nor I of you. But it was with the short time spent today, learning about each other, spending the time together on the case, and making efforts to look after one another, that changed that. After that point, you were no longer just another android like the thousands of others. You were Connor, our Connor, wholly unique and special and different to all the others. And I was no longer just another human like the thousands of others. I was Rachel, the human whom you feel the need and responsibility to apologize to right now for upsetting because you clearly wanted to take responsibility. And the day we just had proved we have need of each other, because of that bond that was forged.” She went on, Connor listening intently and committing her articulate and verbose explanations to memory. “If you died, and your memory was transferred to the next one, the Connor that was unique and special would still be dead. Because the Connor that would take your place wouldn’t be the same Connor. It’s not the same Connor that I put time and effort into establishing a connection with. So even if you can transfer your memories, you yourself are wholly unique and cannot be replaced or replicated. Sorry, that’s how it is and I don’t make the rules, so you’re not allowed to die.”

Connor nodded, a small smirk creasing his lips. “In that case, I have no choice but to comply.”

Rachel squinted her eyes, a strained smirk stretched across her small, yet ample lips, as if she was trying to discern if he was being earnest or humourous. But giving a nonchalant shrug, she simply took another sip of tea.

Husband 🔓

Car Accident

Nothing

“You mentioned that you witnessed a death in a road accident before.” Connor said flatly. “And that’s why when I returned to the alley, I noticed you were showing symptoms that corresponded to a trauma related panic attack, one of the most common forms of PTSD.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel nodded, her face drooping slightly. “Yeah, I was having...a really bad mental breakdown.” She answered, biting her lip and casting her gaze downward.

“You were triggered.” Connor stated. “The sight of the deviants and then myself endangering ourselves on the highway brought you back to that incident. That’s why you were so upset with me when I returned. You were afraid you were going to be forced to relive that incident all over again. Am I correct?”

Rachel was quiet for a moment. “Partially.” She took a sip of her tea before answering. “It was both that I didn’t want to watch another person die in an accident and that I didn’t want to relive that event. Both to have to see it happen again, and...to lose someone else I cared about in the same way again.” She swallowed, taking a deep breath, clutching onto her dark, striped, oversized sweater. “I lost someone very dear to me in a car accident. Someone I loved more than anything in the whole world. And I don’t want to lose anyone else like that ever again.”

It grew quiet between them once again, Rachel taking another sip of her tea. This time, she was refusing to make eye contact with Connor.

Husband 🔓

Nothing

“It was Frank, wasn’t it?” Connor asked, causing Rachel’s head to snap up to meet Connor’s eyes. “Your husband. That’s who died in that car accident seven years ago in January. You were married five years before that in August 2026 on the 25th.”

Software Instability ^ “My spouse.” Rachel corrected, not aggressively, but firmly. She blinked a couple times, her brown eyes blinking away tears that had not yet formed. “But, yes...they were the one that died in that accident.”

Connor changed Frank’s status as ‘spouse’ rather than ‘husband’ and changed their pronouns accordingly in his database.

Comfort

Pry

Ensure

“Do you feel comfortable enough talking to me about it?” Connor asked.

Rachel nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She replied, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “It’s actually kind of nice to be able to talk to someone else about it. Well, aside from Hank, but...you’ve probably figured out that he’s not great at dealing with emotions. But, he knows, too.” Connor waited patiently for her to continue, his dark eyes fixed on her forlorn and sombre expression. She took another sip of her tea and cleared her throat.

“It was a late night. I was off work, and I went to pick Frank up. They had just gotten off, and it started snowing while they were working, so I texted them to let them know I was going to pick them up. So while I was driving home, they were telling me about this family they saw visiting one of the patients, and they had a young boy with them. Now, we’d already talked about the possibility of having a family, and we agreed it was something we both wanted. But that night, they suddenly asked me if I wanted to have a kid. And it sort of caught me off-guard, but I didn’t mind. So we talked for a little while on the way home, and...we decided to try for a baby.” Rachel’s voice wavered as she started to choke back tears. “I was so happy. Happy that I was going to be a mother. Happy that I was going to raise a child alongside the love of my life. And I was so excited to start that part of my life...and then I heard the sound of a truck, and then everything blacked out...”

Software Instability ^ Connor listened intently as Rachel recounted the painful memory, now failing to stop the tears from spilling down her face as she quietly sobbed into her sleeve, desperately wiping her eyes. Connor quickly took notice of a box of tissues on the coffee table and gently pulled out a couple of them and handed them to Rachel wordlessly.

She took them graciously, blinking away a few more tears as she brought one of the tissues to her nose and blew, a loud moist noise muffled by the tissue. She did this a few times before she crumpled the used tissue and threw it in a nearby garbage bin that was placed on the side of the fireplace on the opposite end to Bear’s kennel. “Thank you.” She squeaked, wiping her eyes and face with the second tissue before throwing that into the bin as well. “I blacked out...” She continued. “And when I came to, I could hear and see sirens everywhere. I felt like there was sand and pebbles under my skin across my whole body. There was so much pain everywhere except my left arm. My left arm was in so much pain it was numb. When I looked around, I realized that the car was upside down and that Frank was nowhere to be found. I also realized that the sand in my skin was road burn and shards of glass that were embedded in my skin in so many places. I tried desperately to find Frank, calling out to them, crawling out of the car to try and find them. And when I did, I crawled my way over to them. I got them to wake up and focus on me, but...”

Software Instability ^ She choked back another set of tears, prompting Connor to once again provide her with tissues, this time opting instead to just give her the whole box to hold onto. “It was too late for them...I begged them to stay with me...I tried to get them to stay, but I could see the light leaving their eyes...and they died in my arms.” Rachel had now effectively broken down into several broken and loud sobs, crying into and blowing her nose into several tissues. “The last thing I remember was screaming at the paramedics not to take me away from Frank...as they were pulling me, dragging me kicking and screaming...before they put me under...and I woke up in the hospital.”

Connor was quiet for a moment. There was a strange sensation in his systems, like the creaking of machinery, in his lower abdomen between his chest and where his gut would be if he had organs. Though he could also feel his chest tightening, which wasn’t normal for androids. Yet, just to be certain, he ran a diagnostics check on himself and all systems were fully functional. As the android looked into Rachel’s pained, damp, strained eyes, he was deciding what to do.

Comfort

Say Nothing

Rachel - Warm ^ “I’m sorry.” He said, gently and patiently. His voice was barely a whisper, but Rachel caught it as she glanced at him. “It wasn’t your fault, and I hope you know that.”

“I know...” Rachel said, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose again. “And I know they wouldn’t want me to feel that way. But...I can’t help it. There’s that horrible part deep in me that thinks of what I could’ve done to prevent it.” She let out a long sigh, her sobs beginning to subside. “And do you wanna know what the worst part is?”

Connor nodded.

Rachel sighed, grabbing her tea and taking another sip. “When I was in the hospital, it felt like time had stopped.” She confessed. “I was just in the bed in pain and not able to really move. It was just the same thing every day while the whole thing played over and over in my head. But that’s not the worst part...no. The worst part was when I was finally cleared to go back home from the hospital. My sister heard what happened and she picked me up, taking me home. It was early in the morning, and I expected to see Frank at home, with breakfast prepared ready to go to work...but then I remembered the accident. But for most of the day, I felt numb...like I was completely dead inside. I barely even talked to Bianca. It was one of the most painfully quiet days in my life. And then when I was looking at the clock, I realized it was about the time that Frank usually came home from work. And for the briefest of moments, I felt something. My heart jumped, and I was so ready to jump into their arms and tell them about everything that happened...but then I remembered...and that’s when it really sunk in.” Rachel’s eyes began spilling tears again. “Frank wasn’t going to be waiting for me to come home anymore. And they weren’t going to be coming home to me either...Frank...was gone. I was never going to come home to them ever again. And they were never going to come home to me. That’s when it sunk in...that I was never going to see them again...that our family we were so happy to start...was never going to happen...and I felt my heart die...”

Software Instability ^ The woman slumped over and pulled her hood over her head, hiding her face from the android, her quiet weeps muffled as she pulled herself in tighter around herself. “I just broke down in Bianca’s arms...” Rachel croaked. “I couldn’t handle it...and I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful not to be alone...it was horrible, Connor.”

Connor was about to say something before Rachel suddenly slumped hard into him, curled up against his leg. Unsure of what to do with the unexpected contact, he simply rested his left arm on her back. “I’m sorry.” Was all he could really say to console her. “I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through something like that, Rachel.” He looked down at her, as she peaked through her hood up at the android, her broken spirit behind her eyes palpable. “I’ll put in the utmost effort to ensure you don’t have to experience that again.”

Rachel nodded, wiping her eyes and reaching for the tissues again, sitting up and straightening herself out. After she blew her nose and wiped her eyes, she threw more tissues into the garbage bin, taking several deep breaths. “Losing Frank has been the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me.” She said, beginning to regain her composure. She pulled her sweater closer to herself. “This used to be theirs.” She pointed out. “It’s one of the few things I have left to remember them by.

Connor nodded, breaking eye contact with Rachel and instead looking down at his hands.

Comforting

Reassuring

Sincere

Sympathetic

“This may just be a...plastic cop’s opinon.” Connor said, the light in Rachel’s eyes returning. “But I think if they knew what you were doing and that despite how difficult it’s undoubtedly been to continue without them, that you were still continuing to live, they would be proud of you.”

Rachel - Friend ^ Rachel nodded, her breath steadying. “Yeah...I think you’re right.” She said, looking over at Connor who was now meeting her eyes again. “They would be proud of me. And they would love me no matter what and they’d want me to keep going no matter what life throws at me. It was...one of the things they admired most about me.”

Software Instability ^ Before Connor could say anything else, Rachel collapsed into the android’s arms, pressing her face into his chest. “Thank you...for listening to me.” She whispered.

Connor sat there for a moment, feeling that tightness in his chest again as he slowly enclosed his arms around her, in what he had hoped was an acceptable comforting gesture. “Of course.” He responded in kind.

Understand Rachel’s reasons

Suddenly, Rachel began shifting as she pulled back to look up at Connor, her eyes beginning to dry and her breathing becoming less damp and sniffly. “Is...is your thirium pump supposed to be beating that fast?”

Software Instability ^ Connor wasn’t certain how to answer that, as he hadn’t even noticed the speed of his working pump until Rachel brought it up. He was also mildly shocked that in her painful moment, she was distracted by concern for him. But running another diagnostics check revealed no issues and that all systems were fully operational once more.

Something that only served to confuse the android even more.

“Not typically.” Connor answered in earnest. “But I’m not detecting any faults in my hardware.”

“Huh.” Rachel said, wiping her eyes again. “Weird.”

Software Instability ^ Suddenly her attention was then focused on a large black mass of fur, her face twisting into a soft and tender smile as she started ruffling Bear’s large fluffy head. “I know, I need to take you out to go poop, right?” The large Newfoundland barked a loud and rumbling bark as he lifted himself on his hind legs to stand on Rachel’s lap. “Okay, oh Jesus. Okay, we’ll go.” She strained, picking up the dog’s paws and placing him back on the ground, getting up off the couch herself. “Okay, I’ll go take Bear out to go poop, but I’ll be right back.” She informed Connor.

The android nodded. “I’ll wait until you come back.” He replied.

Objective complete

As the dog gathered excitedly around the door, letting out the occasional bark at Rachel as she attached a harness onto the large black dog, Connor couldn’t help but stare at her as she went out the door onto the front lawn. About five minutes passed until she had returned, a bag of organic material in her hand that she quickly disposed into the garbage bin beside the front door. “Alright, there you go baby.” She said, taking her shoes off and removing Bear’s harness. “Okay, go play!”

As the dog scampered to find one of the various dog toys scattered in the house, Connor began calculating his next course of action. For a moment, he pondered as to whether or not he should go. After all, he did what he wanted to do. His objective here was complete. “Alright, I think I’ve taken up enough of your time, Rachel.” Connor said as he got up from the couch and straightened his tie. “I should be off.”

Rachel then snapped her head in his direction, surprise on her face. “Wait...you’re leaving already?”

Software Instability ^ The disappointment in her voice was rather palpable, and Connor couldn’t help but want to comply. “I have accomplished my objective.” He said flatly. “I no longer have any reason to be here. Unless there’s anything else you need?”

“Well, no.” She said, walking up to him, her arms folded. “But I’d like you to stay. Besides, where are you even planning to go? Were you going to just follow Hank home?”

Connor nodded. “I was going to try meeting with the lieutenant, yes.”

Rachel sort of scoffed at him. “And, what would you have done if you couldn’t do that? Where would you even go? I doubt you have your own house, or anything.”

Androids didn’t need such accommodations as a house in the same way humans did. But his only plans were going to go to CyberLife for manual tune-ups and maintenance.

Software Instability ^ But for some strange reason, there was a hesitance in Connor. As if he didn’t actually want to go to CyberLife. For some strange reason, he felt a strange visceral inclination to avoid physically going to meet them.

An inclination that didn’t seem to have any sort of real rhyme or reason, which only served to concern Connor.

“I was actually thinking we could hang out for a bit.” Rachel suggested, looking up at him with pleading eyes, adjusting her glasses. “Just us two. Spend some time together until we get another break in the case.”

Connor tilted his head at her questioningly.

[Stay]

[Leave]

Insist

“You are aware that I was not designed to be a companion android.” Connor explained. “While I have been designed to have far more advanced social protocol programs than other androids, my purpose is to assist police investigators and nothing more.”

“I’m aware of all of that, Connor.” Rachel said, rolling her eyes. “That’s not why I want to hang out with you. I wanna hang out with you both because we’re partners now and also friends.”

Software Instability ^ Friends. The word felt so foreign to the android to be described of himself. Yet, it felt...appropriate to describe their relationship as such. “When you’re friends, you don’t really need a reason to spend time.” Rachel continued. “You just spend time together because you want to. Because you enjoy each other’s company and enjoy being around that person. That’s what it means to be friends. Or one of the many things that make friendships meaningful.” Connor couldn’t help the small twinge of...something rather strange in him that he couldn’t identify. The feeling of being valued so much by someone, not because of his ability to be a detective or his being an android. But because of his character. Because Rachel simply enjoyed his company. “So, will you stay?”

He had no reason to placate her. This had nothing to do with his mission and nothing to do with the deviants. His only objective coming here was to apologize and make amends with the human detective so they could have a better working relationship, and he had indeed accomplished his objective.

So why did he feel the strong inclination to stay?

[Stay]

[Leave]

Software Instability ^ Connor gave her a smile. “I suppose it wouldn’t be fair to refuse.” He said, taking a seat back on the couch.

Objective: Spend time with Rachel

He had now become more aware of the speed his thirium pump was working, and at the sight of Rachel’s enthusiastic smile, it only increased further. Another diagnostics check turned up nothing at fault in his systems, which further perplexed him. He then glanced over at her tea, detecting that it had gone cold. “You should probably heat your tea again.”

Rachel shrugged as she took a seat. “Oh, don’t worry too much about that.” She said with a casual wave, taking another sip. “I don’t mind it when my tea gets cold. The warmth is more for comfort, but I’ve noticed that the flavour is a lot stronger when it gets cold.”

Connor nodded. “Ah, I see.” The moment was quiet as the music continued on the television.

Music 🔓

Birds 🔓

Animals 🔓

Let her decide

“I’ve noticed you have a room adjacent to the dining room with musical instruments.” Connor pointed out, gesturing to the door. “Given that you were singing just earlier, I gather it would be fair to assume you have musical interests.”

Rachel - Friend ^ “Oh, yeah. Definitely.” Rachel said, looking away with a small blush in her capillaries. “Honestly, if the music industry wasn’t so sketchy and seedy, I would’ve gone into it. But I practice a lot on the side whenever I feel like it.” She then got up. “Do you want to see?”

Connor got up. “Sure.”

The woman lifted herself off the couch, gripping her mug of now cold tea and Connor followed, the android allowing her to lead him to the room.

Following closely, he was now able to get a better view of the room. The room was painted red, with a yellow wall on one side and an orange wall adjacent to it. Connor was able to investigate this room further, particularly the instruments. On the wall was a guitar, smaller than many, but given that Rachel was shorter than average and appeared to have smaller hands, it made sense. Right beside it was a ukulele, a rounder oval shape of the base with a printed pattern on it that made it appear like a pineapple. Another hanging off the wall was an alto saxophone.

Next to them was a bookshelf lined with music sheets, books, and others. Many of them appeared to be years old and filled with several pieces from the classic to the contemporary.

On the shelf were other smaller instruments, such as two clay ocarinas of different types and a kalimba.

There were two other instruments that appeared to be well-kept, but unused. A hurdy gurdy and a banjo.

And on the wall facing the kitchen entrance to the room was an upright piano that was in fairly decent condition. It was clearly one of the more played instruments in the room, the others being the ukulele and the guitar.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Rachel asked, leaning against the piano. “It’s not the fanciest piano, but it doesn’t need to be. A well-kept piano sounds just the same as any other and I’ve always wanted an authentic one. I grew up playing an electric keyboard, and I wanted an acoustic piano. There’s just something about the weight of the keys and the way the sound reverberates around a room that electric keyboards just can’t compare to.” She took a seat on the piano bench, her form outlined by the light filtering in through the window. The sun was going down, and the warm light made the room glow a much deeper colour.

Whoever designed the house had a real talent for interior design.

“And you play all of these instruments?” Connor asked, still standing in the room.

“Not all of them.” Rachel replied, gesturing towards the banjo and hurdy gurdy. “Those were Frank’s.” She clarified. “That banjo was actually their father’s. The one good thing that actually came out of that bastard. But the nice thing after we got married was that Frank never had to see that piece of shit ever again. Now, Frank wasn’t exactly the most artistic person, and they didn’t really have much of a sense of rhythm or was all that musically gifted. But they loved how the banjo sounded, and knowing that their father had one he never played sparked their interest in learning. And they did learn. And after putting in the effort and time to learn, they got pretty damn good at it.” She then gestured to the hurdy gurdy. “And that was their very favourite instrument. Which only made them more determined to learn how to play it.”

Connor went still. “Oh.” He then turned around to look at the other instruments. “And the others?”

“All mine.” Rachel replied. “I practice whenever I feel like it.”

Connor scanned over all of them once again and then returned his dark chocolate gaze onto Rachel. He couldn’t help but want to hear her play something, the memory he recorded of her singing at the forefront of his mind.

Piano

Guitar

Ukulele

“I’m curious to listen to you play the guitar.” Connor said, taking a seat next to Rachel, leaning forward into his lap, his hands folded neatly. “There’s something captivating about the vibrations of the steel strings of a guitar as it’s strummed or picked.”

Rachel scoffed at him. “I thought you said, and I quote, ‘I don’t really listen to music, as such.’” She teased, doing what sounded like an imitation of Connor’s voice, giving him a cheeky smirk coupled with a confidently raised eyebrow.

“But I’d like to.” Connor finished, returning her smirk.

She looked away from him quickly as she got up to reach for the guitar. For a moment, she seemed to be too short to reach it, but had clearly done it enough times to know how to do it without damaging the instrument. In fact, from what Connor could tell, Rachel took very good care of her instruments.

The sounds of unzipping could be heard as Rachel had undone her sweater and shucked it off her shoulders, placing it on a nearby chair and revealing her form.

Software Instability ^ She had rather broad shoulders for her petite figure, which were further accentuated by the black t-shirt she was wearing. Her short, brown, wavy hair rested effortlessly against her neck, just barely short of her shoulders. Even the way her rich dark locks framed her face was far more noticeable now that she had taken off the sweater, which was evidently twice her size in width and a head taller than her. Connor couldn’t help but notice how the evening light accentuated her curves. She was by no means a thin woman, her abdomen appearing round and soft and her hips wide and quite evident. Her chest, once disguised easily by her sweater, was now quite noticeable, though Connor knew it wouldn’t be appropriate to stare. It was considered rude. He then finally noticed her arms and legs. Toned, but not all that muscular. Built for speed and bursts of energy and activity, but not necessarily endurance or great feats of strength.

Connor didn’t really have much of a reference or understanding of what it meant or felt like to find something or someone beautiful, or even aesthetically pleasing. But he felt that if there was any feasible way to describe Rachel physically, ‘beautiful’ would be accurate.

“Hey, you good?” Rachel said, an inquisitive look in her dark eyes, snapping Connor out of his focus. “I didn’t think androids could get distracted.”

“Not typically.” Connor replied. “But their objectives can be overwritten if something else has taken more immediate attention. It happens when analyzing multiple aspects of a given location.”

Rachel scoffed with a roll of her eyes and sat back down next to Connor. She began plucking the strings, listening intently as she adjusted the tuning keys accordingly. It seemed she had enough of a sensitivity to sound that she could tune her instruments with ease by ear alone.

After fiddling with the tuning enough, she played a C chord, followed by several others to be sure that it sounded right. Connor could detect that it was indeed tuned correctly to the standard that guitars were typically tuned. And with the speed she changed chords so seamlessly, she was definitely skilled. “You know, the one good thing that came out of the accident is that I can actually play better with my left hand than I used to be able to.” She said with a chuckle. “I can actually reach the damn frets. That was always a problem for me, cause my fingers were too short and the necks were always too thick for me to be able to play them well. Especially ‘cause all of my dad’s guitars were, well, for him. Not for me. He taught me how to play.” Her eyes flickered over to the ukulele on the wall. “Although I learned to play the ukulele before I played the guitar. Of the two, guitar’s definitely more difficult.”

She demonstrated this by playing more difficult chords one after another, switching seamlessly between them, her hand gliding across the frets. The android couldn’t help but find himself hypnotized by the movements of her hand.

She stopped for a moment, not looking at Connor, her eyebrows pressed together as if searching for something. After a moment, she began playing something, her right hand going for something softer and mellower, plucking the strings methodically and rhythmically, her left hand switching notes swiftly.

It was evidently clear that she had practiced a great deal, as her playing seemed so effortless and graceful. She played a long intro before she took in a breath and began to sing.

I know that we are upside down.

So, hold your tongue and hear me out.

I know that we were made to break.

So what? I don't mind.

Connor quickly identified the song as originally by an EDM artist called Zedd, this song in particular featuring vocals by Hayley Williams, also known as Paramore, from the 2012 album Clarity. However, it was evident that this was not in the same style as the original song. It was actually played in the style of a cover of this song sung by an artist named Stassi.

You kill the lights, I'll draw the blinds.

Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes.

I know that we were made to break.

So what? I don't mind.

Software Instability ^ As Connor listened, he began to notice the sheer elegance in Rachel’s voice as she played. Her speaking voice was so brazen, so confident, and so vulgar. She was indeed as much of a foulmouth as the lieutenant was, perhaps one of the reasons they seemed to get along so well. Her loud and energetic speaking voice portrayed her determined and fiery attitude very well.

Are you gonna stay the night?

Oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?

But this was much different. Her voice was soft, gentle, graceful, and flowing. There was even a certain gravelly and breathy quality to it that was evident when she sang in the lower octave of the song. Her singing voice now was far more vulnerable, delicate, and soft.

Are you gonna stay the night?

Doesn't mean we're bound for life.

So oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?

Something that seemed to be evident in the things she kept quiet about during the day. It was a reflection of her gentle, patient, kind, and empathetic nature that was underneath the rough, foul, and brazen displays of anger and boldness. And Connor couldn’t tear his attention away from it.

Software Instability ^ As Rachel played the break in the song, Connor found himself absolutely entranced by her musicality, and once again, he could feel something strange happening in his software. Androids didn’t need to breathe, only to simulate it to prevent their systems from overheating. But despite knowing it was impossible, he felt as though his breath had been siphoned out of his chest. If he had any other directives or objectives, he had completely forgotten them in his moment, his only focus was on Rachel.

The moment she opened her mouth to move onto the next verse, he could feel something akin to a jump in his pump rate. A warning flashed on-screen.

Software Instability ^ Warning - Overheating

Connor took notice of the warning that appeared on his interface and remembered to take a simulated breath to cool the temperature that was starting to rise in his biocomponents, but not once tearing his attention away from Rachel’s vibrant and gentle voice.

I am a fire, you're gasoline.

Come pour yourself all over me.

We'll let this place go down in flames

Only one more time.

You kill the lights, I'll draw the blinds.

Don't dull the sparkle in your eyes.

I know that we were made to break.

So what? I don't mind.

Are you gonna stay the night?

Oh oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?

Are you gonna stay the night?

Doesn't mean we're bound for life.

So oh oh, are you gonna stay the night?

The conclusion of the song was drawing near, and Connor had realized that he had unconsciously shifted himself closer, their legs touching. It was strange. He didn’t remember inputting any such command.

Software Instability ^ After Rachel finished playing, she looked up shyly at Connor, just as quickly looking away, instead focusing her gaze on the base of the guitar. “Sorry,” she apologized meekly in a way that Connor found typically uncharacteristic of Rachel, but no less endearing. “I haven’t played for anyone in a very long time, so forgive me if I seem a bit nervous or awkward.”

Connor couldn’t tear his gaze away from her, and felt as though he should break the silence that had wormed its way between them.

Sincere

Analytical

Pleasant

Indifferent

“It’s so different than how you were when I met you just this morning. It’s far more gentle, elegant, and graceful.” Connor said, a smile on his face. “I thoroughly enjoy hearing you play and I like listening to you sing. Your voice has a unique quality to it, and I hope you know that.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel - Friend ^

The shocked look on her face, coupled with the blush that started to form on her cheeks, and the way she shyly looked away, pressing her face into her shoulder, made Connor feel as though nothing else mattered. He managed to get a glance of her bashful smile before she looked back into his eyes. “Thank you.” She said quietly. “I...I really appreciate the compliment.”

They stared at each other for a moment longer, seemingly not wanting to tear their gazes away from each other.

Suddenly, Connor was getting a report, his processors being bombarded with information. “What is it?” Rachel asked, noticing his sudden silence.

“I just got a report of a homicide downtown.” Connor stated, looking at Rachel. “We should go collect Lieutenant Anderson.”

“Huh, well damn. That was fast.” Rachel said with a nod, putting her guitar on the wall and then retrieving her sweater. “Where exactly is it?”

“The Eden Club.” Connor replied. “The most popular android sex club in Detroit.”

“Ooooh! Fun!” Rachel said, pulling her phone out of her pocket and squinting at it. “Oh. That explains the text I got from Gavin, then.” She then sighed, holding her sweater. “Well, if we’re going somewhere like that, I suppose I should wear something a bit better than just a sweater.” She looked back at Connor with a smirk. “I’ll take one of my leather jackets.” She then left the room, Connor following behind her.

Objective complete

As they walked into the living room, she quickly opened her hallway closet, grabbing a pair of leather laced boots and a very thick zip-up leather jacket. Connor tilted his head at her inquisitively, remembering that he had taken his shoes off after coming in and slipping them back on. “Strange, I didn’t take you for someone who would have such an affinity for leather clothes.”

Software Instability ^ Rachel gave him a sly side-eye before she put her boots on and got up close to Connor, pulling her jacket up onto her shoulders and zipping herself up, making his breath hitch in his nonexistent throat. “Well, where we’re going, I figured wearing some leather would help me fit right into the environment.” She said in a tone of voice that made his pump skip. “And plus, I look pretty damn good in leather.”

She then gave him a wink as she opened the door and exited the house, and Connor found his attention drawn to her hips before he refocused himself on following after her, closing the door and allowing her to lock the door.

The pair made their way to the sidewalk and Connor had already called a taxi to the address. “Where should we look for the lieutenant?” The android asked his partner.

“Jimmy’s Bar, probably.” Rachel said casually, checking her phone. “But if not, probably at his house getting drunk.”

---------------------------------

Next Chapter

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ccwastaken · 4 years

Text

Howdy hi this story is set before Scarlett and the shakers got uh. Popular. There's some swearing in here. Oh and. Janana is referred to as Janet because Janana is a nickname in my hcs that she hasn't been given yet.

×××××××××

Janet set down her pen and sighed. She glanced at her watch. Three twenty seven pm. Hm. She had an appointment in three minutes, didn't she? She reached for her journal and flicked it open. Looking over the appointments for the day, she found she was correct. Some amateur band "Rudy and the Shakers". She frowned at the name. She hated appointments like these. They were almost always wannabe rockstars, entitled rich kids or teens that barely knew how to play a guitar. She sighed. No- no she wouldn't be negative about this one. Every band deserved a chance at fame. That was why she worked in A&R.

But she would admit the job got...tiring. She sometimes wished she didn't have to stay in this office all day, doing paperwork- she wished to have a band of her own to manage, to help and popularise- that was what she'd always wanted. But...she was starting to doubt it would happen...

The phone on Janet's desk buzzed. "Miss Patel, there's a group here to see you." The secretary's voice came. She snapped out of her thoughts and sat up.

"Send them in." She replied, her voice back to formal business. She straightened the papers on her desk, pulled her chair closer to her desk and watched the brown wooden door across the room from her. There was a knock. She looked down at her paperwork and held her pen in her hand. "Come in."

Janet looked up at them as they entered. There were four of them. All fairly young, probably fresh out of highschool. The first was a guy with a navy mohawk, sunglasses, and a pierced ears. He wore a ripped navy jacket, grey shirt, and ripped black jeans. The second was a tan woman with long red hair. She wore a similar outfit, white ripped jacket and jeans and a red shirt. Both of them wore matching combat boots, red and navy respectively. The third was another guy. His spiky hair was clearly bleached blonde. He seemed pretty average compared to the other two. He wore a denim jacket, a striped shirt and jeans. He looked like a normal guy who'd work at a burger joint or something. The last was a ginger girl with blonde bangs. She looked both younger than the others and like a typical ska fan. White button-up shirt, black tie and hairband and blue jeans. A pair of drumsticks stuck out of her belt.

Oh great, punk rockers, a ska fan and a possible stoner. She sat up. "So you guys are..."

"Rudy and the shakers!" The sunglasses guy interrupted. Just by his voice Janet could tell this guy had an ego.

"Uh-huh. I take it you're Rudy?" She asked. He nodded.

"Yep! I'm frontman, secondary singer and bass player." He gestured to the blonde man, who had tucked his hands into his jeans pockets. "That's Marty, he's our guitarist," Marty looked from a sign on the wall to Janet. He pulled a hand out of his pocket and waved a bit in greeting. He opened his mouth to say something, but was interrupted by Rudy. "That's Clover, our drummer." he gestured to the ska girl. She grinned and waved.

"Yo." She chirped

"And this fine lady is Scarlett, our primary singer." He grinned at the girl and grabbed her hand, kissing it. Janet cringed internally. Eugh. These two were big on PDA, weren't they? She folded her arms on the desk.

"Alright, well," she gestured to the couch in the centre of the room. "Did you bring something to show me?" She asked as they sat down.

"Uh- yeah." The blonde man, Marty, fumbled with his jacket pocket and pulled out a CD case. He moved over to the desk and held it out. He sat down again after she took it. Janet stood up and looked at the cover as she walked over to the CD player in the corner of the room. There was paper taped to it. In the most punk rock font she'd ever seen was written "Rudy and the Shakers: album 1"

She put it into the player. "It's only a demo album," Marty said. "it's uh- all kinda experimental and-"

"It's our best work." Rudy interrupted, shooting Marty a look. The blonde fidgeted and looked at Janet.

"Just- we've never recorded music before so-"

Not saying anything, she hit play and moved back to her chair. She picked up her pen and grabbed a fresh sheet of paper.

The CD contained ten songs. She sat through every single one, taking notes, listening to the occasional interruption from the band members. As the last few drum beats of the final song faded into silence Janet looked up at the four of them. They all looked anxious, scared of her response.

"Well," she began. "You're definitely not experienced." She looked at Marty.

"But it's good, right?" Rudy asked. His confidence seemed to have died down a bit. Not much but- enough for there to be a slight nervous tone in his voice.

"Weeeell..." Janet tilted her head and looked at her notes. "You're interesting to say the least. I like the style of music, and you certainly have potential..." She frowned for a few seconds. "Your lyrics are unique and attention grabbing. Your song titles too. What I think you all lack is cooperation and experience."

"Cooperation?" Scarlett asked. She seemed to be the one that spoke the least. Even Clover, who was extremely nervous, spoke more often than her. Scarlett did seem anxious yes, but also...prepared. like she was taking this as serious as a job interview.

"Yes. You guys combine punk and ska and it's a great combination but you need to balance it, you need to refine that style." Janet explained. Scarlett nodded in understanding, seemingly thinking over everything. "And some songs are clearly Rudy songs or Scarlett songs- Marty and Clover don't really get that treatment. There's one or two that are distinctly one of them and a couple others where they're sort of crushed together."

"They're siblings." Rudy replied defensively.

"I just think you don't like sharing the spotlight, Rudy." She narrowed her eyes at him. Rudy seemed to stiffen in surprise for a moment. "You guys need a balance. Your songs should sound like all four of you working together. Occasionally you should make one for a certain member."

"Yeah! Yeah I was thinking that because- well we all like different types of music so-" Marty smiled at her a bit. Rudy shot him a look and folded his arms. Janet quietly wished rockers were less entitled.

"So?" Scarlett asked. Janet looked from the anxious band members to her own notes. She opened her mouth, then closed it.

These guys showed promise. More than the other amateur bands she'd met. She looked up at them. These kids...they looked so full of hope as they stared at her in anxious anticipation. She looked down at her notes then quickly back.

"...I'll cut you all a deal." She said. All of them snapped to attention. "I can give you all a year to improve and create an album-"

"What?!" Rudy interrupted. Now it was Marty's turn to shoot Rudy a look.

"Underneath mine and other professional's mentorship," she continued "You'll be given professional grade equipment and lessons. You'll have a team and a professional recording booth to use at your disposal. I'll be there too, obviously." Janet looked at them, arms folded again. "So?"

"We don't-"

Scarlett slapped a hand over Rudy's mouth. "We'll do it." She said quickly. "Thank you so much I-I promise this won't be something you'll regret."

Janet nodded and looked at the other two. Clover and Marty both grinned at her. Clover looked almost ready to cry. Janet scooted her chair back and looked through her drawers. This one year record deal was a standard offer for new bands. It established a business relationship, let the band produce work, and then, if they succeeded, gain a record deal. She pulled out four contracts and stood up.

Walking over, she handed a contract to each band member. "Now, I want all of you to read this over before handing it back in. You can mail it in within the next two weeks, just address it to me." She looked at the four of them as they read. "If the album you guys produce isn't satisfactory, you will have to pay back the costs of your use of equipment. Recording sessions are limited, use of our instruments is not."

"F-Forty thousand dollars...?" Marty asked. He suddenly looked pale. Janet winced.

"It is a lot, but we give you six months to pay it. Start saving throughout the year."

"Uh- excuse me," Clover asked. "It says here you need to be eighteen to sign this. I'm seventeen."

"You'll need parent's permission then." She replied. "Is that all your questions?"

"Yeah why are you such a-" Scarlett slapped her hand over Rudy's mouth again.

"Yes, we're done." Scarlett said. "Thank you miss- we'll make this worth your time, I promise."

"I hope so." Janet moved to her seat and sat down again. "I'll see you guys soon, I hope." She said with a small smile. The shakers grinned at her, except for Rudy who scowled, and left. Janet looked from her paperwork to the door. She- she just signed a band on. She'd be managing them soon if everything worked out. She leaned back in the chair and looked at the ceiling.

"What the fuck, Scarlett?" Rudy snapped as they stepped outside. His girlfriend looked at him.

"What? We got a contract, Rudy, didn't you want that?"

"Yeah but not one with a bitch of a manager and a bigass price tag! How're we gonna pay this shit back?! We'll have to sell our instruments or some shit-!" He gestured at Marty. "We'll have to sell his fucking kidneys or something!"

"This could be our big break!" The blonde retorted.

"I'm not listening to that bitch, Scarlett. This is a shitty deal and you know it!" Rudy hissed.

"Well you're gonna have to, aight? We got no other choices." She snapped. She looked over at Marty and Clover. "You two got any complaints?" She asked, a bit more earnest than she'd been with Rudy.

"Well- I'm worried about the money thing- I could get a job! Maybe a fast food place or somethin' but-" Marty wrung his hands together nervously as he spoke. "Clover?" He asked, looking at his little sister.

"Wh-what if our parents don't let me do this? Would you guys kick me outta the band?" She asked nervously. She looked scared, and Scarlett felt a pang of sadness. She walked over to the two siblings.

"Hey, we wouldn't do that," she gripped each of them by a shoulder. "The shakers aren't the shakers without drums and ska." She smiled at the two of them. "We'll work it out, okay?"

"Okay," Clover smiled a tiny bit. "Thanks Scarlett- you always know what to say..."

The redhead smiled. "Psh- nah, I've just been around Rudy too long," she looked over her shoulder at Rudy. "Ain't that right babe?" She asked with a grin. Rudy huffed and trudged away from them.

"Where are you going?" Marty called.

"The van! I'm getting food and I'm not waiting on you dicks!" Rudy called back. The three other shakers laughed and followed after him.

#flipline #fliplinestudios #flipline studios #papa louie pals #writing

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angryinternetduck · 4 years

Text

Sunflower, Volume Five

a teeny bit over 2.2k words on writing music, first impressions, and peppermint. no warnings I can think of. this is part five of the Sunflower Series! happy reading :)

part one | part two | part three | part four

Only Angel was, in fact, fun to record, although it got quite a bit irritating after playing through six or seven times, as all songs seemed to do. They got through it, though, and Carolina too, before setting aside a day for just writing.

Harry worked with Olivia and Charlotte to finalize the melody for the song Olivia had come up with a few weeks before, which actually worked brilliantly, and they were finished with the melody and sound the night they started.

Charlotte decided to head to a bar with the others, but Harry stayed with Olivia to start working on the lyrics. He was sat at the piano, a pencil behind his ear and his notebook propped in front of him.

As soon as Charlotte left the room, Olivia grinned and jumped onto the lid of the piano, sliding across its surface to sit in front of Harry with her guitar on her lap. Harry raised an eyebrow at her, and she shrugged innocently. “What?”

“Charlotte would have a fit if she saw you like that.”

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” Olivia replied with a wink.

“Whatever you say,” Harry laughed. He handed her the notebook and asked, “Have any ideas, then?” Olivia sighed, slipping the pencil from behind Harry’s ear and fiddling with it. “Well, I was thinking about the whole…” She paused, tapping the eraser of the pencil against the piano before asking, “You know the whole, oh, it’s a sign of the times, thing?”

“Er - yeah, sort of.”

“What if we did something along those lines?”

“Yeah, it sort of sounds like that, doesn’t it? All sad and shit?” Olivia nodded, and Harry played the melody again. He frowned, playing it again, and then remembered, “Oh, and there was something Char and I were working on -” He started again, singing along. “Just stop your crying, it’ll be alright…”

“Yeah!” Olivia exclaimed. “It could be that and - and, uh - just stop your crying, and then, it’s a sign of the times.” Harry nodded. “Yeah, yeah, that works.” He played it again, twice, once with each ending, and then Olivia played the chords on her guitar and echoed softly, “Sad and shit.” She looked up. “Like the end of the world, huh?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“...just stop your crying,” Olivia sang, “it’s a sign of the times… now that it’s the - hope it’s not the final…” She frowned. “Welcome to the final show…” Harry nodded, playing the melody, and added, “Hope you’re wearing your best clothes…”

Olivia grinned and mimicked his accent, “Proper brilliant, you are.”

Harry scoffed, looking up at her. “I don’t sound like that at all!”

“Whatever,” Olivia murmured with a grin, picking up the pencil and writing something down in the notebook. Harry messed about on the piano, suggesting more lyrics, and Olivia added on.

They stayed up well past two am, just playing with words and phrases until the others came back from the bar. Olivia slid off the piano only after they’d gotten through a verse and finished the chorus, and Harry was tempted to kiss her when she said goodnight before walking into her room.

Instead, he told himself not to be a fool and went to bed.

♬♩♪♩

They finished Sign of the Times fairly quickly, but recording it took a while. The song Olivia had started eventually became Ever Since New York, which was recorded pretty fast. Jeff was pressuring them to finalize more songs, though, so they took off another day to dedicate to writing.

Unfortunately, Harry was pretty brain dead by then, what with staying up for hours with Olivia to finish both Sign of the Times and Ever Since New York, so he spent most of the day just resting and watching rom coms with Adam and Charlotte while Olivia and Sarah sat in the other room working on Comfortable Silence.

A few minutes into My Best Friend’s Wedding, a paper airplane landed on his lap. He glanced into the other room, confused, and Sarah was rolling her eyes as Olivia grinned and gestured for him to open it.

To Julia Roberts’s biggest fangirl in the living room -

Sooo I called my friend who just got dumped (heartbreak is the best inspo yk)...

I saw your friend that I met last year

They said you’re happy now

I see you gave them my old T-shirt

That really hurt like hell

They say it silently, no not with their words

But oh yes it’s written, it’s all over their face -

Comfortable silence is so overrated

Why don’t you ever tell me straight to my face?

Even my phone misses your call, by the way

Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too…

idk about some of that but uhhhh idk

So. Thoughts?

From, the dining table

Harry read it over again and nodded, flashing her the thumbs up, but Olivia shook her head. She mimed writing, and Harry frowned, glancing around him for a pencil, and Olivia sighed, chucking a pencil at him.

Charlotte squeaked as it hit her in the arm, and Harry rolled his eyes, smiling despite himself. “Sorry, Char,” he murmured, then scribbled out Like it before folding it back up and haphazardly throwing it back.

It didn’t quite work, but Olivia slid it towards her with her foot and opened it back up.

She wrote something down, and Harry watched her instead of the movie, and then Olivia threw it back. ur so boring, she’d written, and Harry scoffed, glancing over at her. He put a hand to his chest in mock hurt, and Olivia grinned.

Under that, she’d added more to the song.

I hope one day you’ll call me to tell me that you’re sorry too

But you, you never do

We haven't spoke since you went away

Comfortable silence is so overrated

Why won't you ever say what you want to say?

Even my phone misses your call, by the way

Harry grinned and wrote, You’re awful dramatic, Liv - it was two weeks. He threw it towards her, and she unfolded it, read it, and flipped him off. She whispered something to Sarah, who laughed, and Harry smiled and turned back to the movie.

♬♩♪♩

Harry was starting to wonder if Olivia ever slept.

He’d come out on the porch a few days later, unable to sleep after a day long nap caused by a killer hangover, and there she was, smoking a cigar and playing her guitar softly. “Hello,” Harry said, and she looked up. “Hey,” she replied, sliding over on the bench swing.

Harry sat next to her, taking the cigar when she offered it, and inhaled deeply. “‘s good,” he said. “Sweet.” Olivia nodded. “Mhmm. Toffee, apparently.” She leaned back, fiddling with her guitar pick, and stared at the water.

Harry breathed another puff of smoke, handed it back to her, and asked, “What’d you think when you first saw me?” Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Why?” Harry rolled his eyes with a smile. “You’re always asking these deep questions - give me a chance, hm?”

There was a beat of silence as she seemed to study him, and it took all of Harry’s willpower to keep eye contact as she tucked her lip between her teeth and her brow furrowed, lost in thought.

“I thought you were awkward,” she finally said, and Harry scoffed a laugh. “You’re joking.” Olivia quirked a smile, looking back at the water and lifting the cigar to her lips. “No, really.” She smirked. “Awkward and desperate.”

“Right, well, now you’re just bullying me.”

“Oh, please,” Olivia laughed. “You didn’t even say anything! You were like, hi, and that was it! I had to, like, scramble to come up with something!” Harry scoffed again, shaking his head. “If I remember correctly -”

“Which you don’t,” she cut in with a grin.

He shot her a mocking glare and went on, “You were the one who didn’t say anything at first, and then I introduced myself!” Olivia sighed and shook her head. “We were both awkward,” she concluded, and Harry rolled his eyes. “Agree to disagree.”

“God, that show sucked,” Olivia murmured, exhaling and trying to make a smoke ring before smiling at him. “Still can’t believe you wanted me in your band after that disaster.” Harry let his jaw drop dramatically. “You were amazing!”

Olivia scoffed, shaking her head. “I was awful! I forgot half the lyrics and fucked up all the chords ‘cause I was staring at -” She cut herself off, shaking her head again, and Harry grinned. “Staring at…?” he prodded.

“There was this band there that night,” Olivia said, “and one of its members” - she breathed a dreamy sigh - “oh, he was just gorgeous! I couldn’t take my eyes off him!” She grinned, mocking curiosity and propping her chin on her fist. “I can’t seem to remember his name…”

“Does it start with an H, perhaps?” Harry asked, raising an eyebrow and mocking curiosity right back, but Olivia shook her head, fiddling with the cigar. “Nope,” she said with a giggle. “Think it was a Z,” she said. “Zach? Zeke? Ah - Zayn.”

Harry laughed, shaking his head. “Jesus Christ,” he muttered.

“Jealous, Styles?”

“You wish,” Harry replied with a grin.

There was a beat of silence.

Olivia leaned in a bit, her eyes flickering to his lips. “Harry?” she murmured.

“Hm?”

She bit her lip. “I don’t wanna be alone,” she whispered.

Harry smiled a bit, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. “You don’t have to be, Liv.”

She met his gaze, her eyes wide and earnest. “Promise not to break my heart?”

“I promise,” Harry breathed.

And then she leaned forward, and Harry did too, and suddenly, they were kissing.

She tasted like peppermint, like toffee and vanilla and mint and smoke. She was sunshine and sugar, her lips fitting with his like puzzle pieces. She was smiling against his lips, and Harry smiled too, because she was perfect, because they were perfect, because everything was perfect.

♬♩♪♩

Harry woke up late again the next morning.

Olivia wasn’t next to him.

So Harry stood up, and stretched, and walked to the kitchen.

Olivia was at the table, on her mobile, eating toast.

“Morning,” Harry said.

“Hi!” she chirped.

“Where’re the others?” Harry asked, and Olivia sighed. “Went to the beach, according to Sarah…” Harry raised an eyebrow as he poured a cup of coffee. “Without us?” Olivia nodded. “I know. Ridiculous.” Harry smiled, stepping behind her and glancing at the screen of her phone.

“Ooh, dancehall,” he hummed, slipping the phone from her fingers. He clicked a random one, set it on the counter next to his coffee, and held out his hand. “Olivia,” he said, with all the seriousness he could muster, “may I have this dance?”

She slid his coffee towards her and took a sip. “Can’t. I’m drinking coffee.”

“Pleeeease?” Harry dragged. “I’m bored, Liv, and the house is empty. C’mon, then.” He began to dance as the music started and held out a hand. Olivia pouted. “I can’t dance,” she told him, and Harry rolled his eyes. “Prove it.”

She gave a reluctant smile and took it.

He spun her around, and she giggled.

They danced until Olivia somehow managed to end up on the kitchen island with Harry stood between her legs, snogging breathlessly, and Harry only realized the music had stopped when Olivia pulled back and murmured, “Gotta find another song…”

“Rather have a bloody song than me, hm?”

Olivia grinned, kissing his nose as she grabbed her phone. “Hey, it’s got a good melody,” she insisted, flicking through YouTube to find another video. Harry pouted, kissing her again, and said, “Want you more than any melody, Liv…”

“Fuckin’ sap,” Olivia giggled, finally finding a song and pushing her phone away to properly kiss him. Harry smiled, but Olivia sighed, pulling away again. “Others’ll be back soon,” she said, and Harry rolled his eyes. “Don’t care,” he said, kissing her.

Olivia laughed, sliding off the counter. She held her hand out to him and, in a pitiful imitation of his British accent, she said, “Dance with me, Mr. Styles.” Harry grinned. “Only if you promise never to do that accent again.”

“Easy enough,” Olivia replied, and Harry took her hand.

And they twirled and laughed and kissed in the kitchen like it was a dance floor.

♬♩♪♩

Jamaica ended too soon.

Harry was on a plane before he knew it, heading back to rainy London.

It was good, though, he supposed. He was getting a tad home sick.

They’d written about sixty songs. Most of them were rubbish. Well, most of them weren’t even songs. More like notes mashed together that were sort of jokes but not quite. They’d gotten some good ones, though, and Harry considered the trip a success.

It was kind of strange being without the band, though.

It was very strange being without Olivia. She was going to come to London with him, but she was needed in America for something or other. But she’d given him a few cigars, and he smoked one when he got back home to London.

It was good. Tasted like peppermint.

♬♩♪♩

aaaannnnd there she is!!!! all finished!!!!! hope u enjoyed!

tell me:

1. your favorite song on hs1 2. your most recent dream 3. your favorite holiday or!!!! tell me anything your heart desires! feedback is always much appreciated :)

and if you like what you see, you can find the Sunflower Series’s masterlist here, Fine Line: Side A’s masterlist here, and my complete masterlist here!

sunflower, vol. 6

#aaaannnd that's a rap!#hope this didn't suck hehe #it's my first like....... long fic #so #here's this!!!!#harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fic #harry styles #harry styles x ofc #harry styles series #harry styles story #harry styles writing #harry styles au #fine line #jamaica harry #sunflower

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crisisengine · 5 years

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review: TEENS OF STYLE

Teens of Style was Will Toledo (aka Car Seat Headrest)’s 2015 major label debut. However, rather than being a paradigm shift into new, polished studio-recorded material (which would come on the next record, Teens of Denial), it was instead a laptop-recorded look back at the Will’s lo-fi Bandcamp days, compiling together older songs from different projects (mainly his first non-numbered album My Back is Killing Me Baby and the relentless but captivating breakup record Monomania). Now that Will has a firmly established musical reputation outside of the world of Bandcamp and people are enjoying all his work, both new and old, I thought it would be a good time to explore whether this record holds up in its own right. It is more than just a greatest hits compilation? (short answer: ABSOLUTELY YES!)

I like how the refrain from SUNBURNED SHIRTS closes and opens Car Seat Headrest’s first trilogy of major label albums. It’s cool to see how, on this song and on ‘Twin Fantasy (Those Boys)’, the same words and melodies are used in totally different contexts (though, here, we also get the eargasmic “People here bang on the walls late at night…” part). This one oozes dreamlike, summery vibes. I love the psychedelic sound collage at the start and, from there, it’s a pleasure to watch the song build up into the final rock-out ending.

The opening riff of THE DRUM is perfectly produced. Whenever it appears, sometimes without warning, I get total chills. The guitar tone cuts through like an ice pick. The verses build on this in a muddier fashion but, by the time the vocals come to a head (“The Drum’s in debt!!) I am absolutely won over. Andrew Katz’s spritely drum fills add a fitting contrast to the breakdown and final verse really does give off a bizarre sense of triumph (“he’s got his flag unfurled or something”). I enjoy how, after the opener has gradually drawn us in, this song feels like a decisive overture, a setting of the scene for the album.

SOMETHING SOON is a brilliantly put-together pop song. The verses’ lyrical vignettes of cabin-fever turn into outright desperation in the chorus. It pinpoints these feelings really accurately. The skittering breaks in the verses release themselves into the crashing choruses and outro. Each section is bookended by the same repeating electric piano chord. The explosion from this pared down moment into the final burst of energy just seems so right.

Like ‘The Drum,’ NO PASSION also rests on an exquisite moment of production. In the final chorus when Will sings “I” in his high register, it’s like a shot through the heart. The sarcastic image of failure in the verses compliments this so well – a succession of half-formed images that seem to suck away all feeling. The comparative earnestness of “I just needed more money, more time, more love” hits home. Our generation often try to rationalise things through sarcasm when really there is something more deeply lacking in our lives. The line “All my desires are so poorly drawn” also really resonates with me.

TIMES TO DIE adds to this album’s incredibly strong selection of opening moments of tracks. The wandering bassline interlocks with the chug of a delayed guitar followed by a single note. There’s something incredibly satisfying about it, especially when you are aware of the sound bath you are about to enter. The psychedelic vocal and guitar interplay in the verses is a highlight – in the first, they mirror each other but, in the second, the guitar skirts around the vocals, carving out new crevices. Their two melodies collide at the end of said verse, in a really affecting way (“but he just keeps singing this song”). The use of horns and cut-up vocals enlivens the sound palette. It feels like a series of ancient rooms with each section or lyrics (“and when they took him to the temple…”) leading somewhere new. A light seems to shine through as the melodies cascade upwards. The “most of the time” section provides nice segue into the “divine council” part which feels like an explosion, with the “is it harder to speak?” section as its fallout. The intermingling of imagery or religion and the music business (“got to believe in the one above me, got to believe that [Vince]Lombardi [head of Matador records] loves me”) is playful and dreamlike.

PSST TEENAGERS is a fun interlude that adds some more immediate energy into a generally fairly meditative album.

The opening verses of STRANGERS leave you inquisitive as to where the song is heading. All becomes clear when the tension of the exclamatory chorus is released in the lovely, picked instrumental break that follows (again enhanced by some inventive drum rhythms). The second section is the real stunner though, starting off cocoon-like and vulnerable but leading into a volatile crescendo. The line “I won’t last too much longer” and its raw delivery convey a sense of enigmatic fragility that I find very affecting.

The keyboard riff in MAUD GONE swamps the mix in the best way possible. I love its distorted, wet tones. The sax solo at the song’s crescendo provides the perfect counterpoint to it, too. Its muscular, sinewy texture cuts through emphatically in the context of the album’s drenched sound palette. As the notes reach up, the instrument seems to become an incredible, cathartic pressure valve, leeching out a lot of confused unspoken feelings as the notes reach up. The metaphor of “a full moon every night” is enticingly simple but also utterly apt for the feelings it describes.

LOS BARRACHOS has an infectious opening synth lick. As it bubbles under the verses, I’m just waiting for it to return with its full force. The wry but combative tone of the song’s opening (“let’s […] crush the grapes beneath our feet/ like some heartbroken Bacchus”) reflects Will’s desperate attempt to rekindle this relationship, to change his situation, to turn sadness into hedonism. These illusions can’t last, however. The riff does not return. Instead the song melts into a kind of broken, abject despair. “I miss you.” The disintegration of the song’s subtitle to just “Don’t have any hope left” is heart-breaking. It’s the most visceral portrait of a breakdown I’ve ever heard.

BAD ROLE MODELS, OLD IDOLS EXHUMED is my favourite song title ever. The track (the only new song written for Teens of Style) feels like a self-aware reflection on the nature of this album. The images of a figure from the past who once meant a lot but is now insignificant in the life of the narrator seem to tally somewhat with the way in which the album is made up of songs taken from previous projects. Past relationships, and the hurt they have caused, are dismissed and rationalised into triviality and insignificance. The horns and the final refrain make for a strangely celebratory ending, like a forced annulment of regrets (“You probably looked like an idiot in that hat!”) in the face of a resolve to move forward. This forced, performative break with the past, however, seems only to emphasise how the wounds are still very much open, just as the songs here, despite their pre-dating of the album itself, lose none of their emotional potency.

The chorus of OH, STARVING! is deliberately contradictory but also feels very comprehensible. The boredom of a life that seems superficially better as, opposed to a past delineated by clear highs and lows, is a recognisable feeling. Sometimes things being superficially ‘ok’ just makes you painfully aware of how far away you are from the things you really want in life, while impending pressures can obscure this, making any brief moments of solace much sweeter. In the context of the album, this also seems to imply a sense of nostalgia with regard to the events and feelings laid out in these songs. Even though this album deals with confusion, depression and heartbreak, in hindsight, the potency and simplicity of these feelings (given the separation of time between the writing and re-recording of these tracks) could almost seem preferable to the confused present. Yet, by the end of the song, Will seems to finally be able to let go. Saying “goodbye” to all his “secret files” seems almost ritualistic, like he is purging himself of the confusions of the past and moving on. I like this version of the song best because of the moment, at the very end, when the delicate piano chords and doo-wop harmonies are replaced by raw, shredding guitars and a single voice singing “goodbye” so distortedly the word is almost incomprehensible. The raw power of this moment seems to work up a head of steam, like an exorcism of the kinks and bruises of the past, in favour of something.

There isn’t Car Seat Headrest album I’ve heard that I don’t love. However, I think Teens of Style undoubtedly ranks among the best of them. It might just be one of my favourite albums of all time. It does lack the conceptual charge that powers Twin Fantasy, Monomania, Teens of Denial and even, to some extent, How to Leave Town. However, despite their lack of a heavy overarching theme, these songs flow together really well. The album feels cohesive thanks to its spring-reverbed production aesthetic (which reminds me of being indoors on a hot summer day) and the smaller themes that recur throughout (resentment of the past, confusion in the present, getting signed to a major indie label). The tweaks to the lyrics of many of these songs make the creative intent yet more apparent.

I also think this album definitely does not negate the albums from which these songs are taken. I love Monomania and My Back is Killing Me Baby and, if you haven’t listened to them you should definitely do so right now! There are bunch of essential songs on both albums that are not on this one (‘father, flesh in rags,’ ‘Souls,’ ‘happy news for sadness,’ ‘Sleeping with Strangers,’ I could go on…). However, for me, the songs on this album benefit from being recontextualised and, in certain cases, from being rerecorded. It’s great to be able to experience the stronger standalone songs from these previous records in the context of album that lets them breathe a little more, outside of context.

The most obvious example is ‘Los Barrachos’ which I think works amazingly well as the climactic track for this album. On Monomania, placed somewhere in the middle, it felt more like a just another rung in the downward spiral of heartbreak. On Teens of Style, it has room to breathe and can finally reach its full potential. Similarly, ‘Maud Gone’ benefits hugely from its re-recording. The crisp yet bedraggled sound palette of the new version feels much more fitting than the original and, in the context of a more emotionally diverse album, the catharsis it brings is more powerful (especially coming after ‘Strangers’).

Teens of Style might be made up moments from the past, but it more than proves its worth as a cohesive album that is great in its own right.

#car seat headrest #teens of style #review #will toledo #Andrew katz #1 trait danger #sunburned shirts #the drum #something soon #no passion #times to die #strangers #Maud gone #los barrachos #oh starving!#Jacob bloom #monomania #my back is killing me baby #starving while living

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ifuckinglovestvincent · 5 years

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Stereogum:

ACTOR TURNS 10

Ryan Leas May 3, 2019 1:59 pm

When revisiting the major albums of 2009, the year begins to look like an inflection point. A simultaneous culmination of a burgeoning scene while still only a prologue of the unforeseen dominance some of these artists would later achieve. Whether in revisiting the ’09 albums that hold up, crucial moments like the compilation Dark Was The Night, or albums that seemed to be instant classics in their time, you get a portrait of artists rising and establishing their scene, but in hindsight also glimpses of artists who had only just begun. Artists who would transcend those circumstances, go beyond being an indie luminary and become of the definitive names of their time. There are only a couple in that latter category. St. Vincent is one of them.

Ten years ago this Sunday, Annie Clark released her second album under the moniker. Actor was, in many ways, very much of its time and place, the late ‘00s stretch of baroque-pop Brooklyn indie. Clark excelled within that milieu, and the album solidified her as one of the emergent names at the tail end of last decade. And within its DNA, you can already see the blueprints for where St. Vincent would go. It’s a moment that both represents Clark’s talent crystallizing and still feels rooted in another era, prefiguring how far behind she would leave those origins.

Just under two years beforehand, St. Vincent had debuted with Marry Me. When Clark first started making a name for herself, people would mention how she cut her teeth touring with the Polyphonic Spree. They’d talk about her playing in Sufjan Stevens’ band. It is disorienting, foreign, to look back on those times and recall this is how people used to introduce St. Vincent’s backstory.

And in turn, the Annie Clark that appeared in those interviews, discussing the making of Actor, comes across as a totally different version of herself. The press, already growing fervent about this artist, dug into the album’s conception with her, and she often answered straightforwardly enough. Ten years later, she’s on the far side of an arc that begins here, removed and steely and inscrutable, trolling the press, almost directly throwing back all the things that were written about her in those Actor days, when people would go on and on about this “demure brunette guitar genius.”

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Of course, even with the initial embrace of St. Vincent’s work, few could have predicted how her star would ascend and morph — likely herself included. As would be the case with many of these late ‘00s indie artists on the cusp of some kind of mainstream penetration, Actor first came from humbler circumstances. Before teaming with producer John Congleton, Clark worked on it in her New York apartment, recording into a computer, the gentle vocals partially a byproduct of noise complaints from neighbors.

The whole nature of the album was also rooted in being at home, trying to reset after a lengthy spate of touring. Clark began revisiting old movies, favorites from earlier in her life, and writing music along to them as they unfolded on mute. The ones most often-cited in Actor’s rollout were of a particular nature — childhood fairytales with just a bit of eeriness or something sinister lurking underneath. Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs informed the orchestration and tonal shifts of opener “The Strangers,” while “Marrow” resulted from The Wizard Of Oz.

“I felt like I wanted to create something that was Technicolor, was visual as much as musical,” Clark told NPR at the time, speaking specifically about “Marrow.” “And also lyrically — this person wishing they had a spine made of iron — it’s sort of along the thematic lines of The Wizard Of Oz.”

From the unnerving placidity of Actor’s cover to its lush and bright instrumentation, you can still hear what Clark was setting out to achieve. Written to those old movies, Actor is burst after burst of primary colors. But that’s not to say it sounds, or ever sounded, like a happy or precious affair the way some of her peers’ work might have when tackling the same concept. That brightness suggested something sickly, something haunting festering just below the surface.

That, too, was by design. “I wanted to make something that had the whimsy and the sweet of something very pure, like the Disney films, but also something that was kind of bloody and gory and disgusting,” Clark told The New York Times. “I tried to combine those two things, both things that I love in equal parts, and see what happened.”

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This is what made Actor seem special in its moment. By 2009, it wasn’t uncommon for the young generation of indie artists to be experimenting with chamber-pop affectations or with layers of strings and woodwinds. And while a lot of that material seems fussy all these years removed, Clark had somewhat insulated herself from the same criticisms. Actor shares a prettiness, an immaculate and composed veneer, with what was happening at the time. But it had a darkness growing, threatening to overtake it.

It was a juxtaposition Clark had toyed with previously, on Marry Me, where poppy indie confections like “Now Now” and “Jesus Saves, I Spend” were countered with freakouts like “Your Lips Are Red” and “Paris Is Burning.” And there were still songs on Actor — perhaps the ones that don’t loom as large, that feel more 2009 when you hear them today — that don’t represent the tension Clark was baking into the album overall. As memorable as “The Party” is, it feels like refuse from a less-complicated St. Vincent, one that would soon disappear entirely. (Ironically, as a counter-argument, you could see the feint of “New York” being MASSEDUCTION’s lead single working partially because it almost hearkened back to early St. Vincent, a misleading intro to an album that represented her biggest departure yet.)

Perhaps one reason Actor garnered Clark so much positive buzz was in how it improved upon Marry Me in every way — the songwriting sharpened and focused throughout, and that conflict of dark and light woven tighter together, so that you never knew when individual songs might rupture. “Black Rainbow” begins pillowy, then pulls you inexorably into the shadows its name suggests; “The Bed” swings jarringly from lullabies to strings that sound like dying birds falling from the sky. The whole thing begins with “The Strangers,” featuring a lilting melody in which Clark keeps promising to “Paint the black hole blacker” until distorted guitars raze the seeming calm that preceded.

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The album’s success was in its cohesion, the way it kept these themes going to provide some kind of skewed, poisonous interpretation, an early example of Clark taking what surrounded her and bending and twisting it into her own funhouse vision of the world. This tendency set up a fruitful career, and here it also resulted in some songs that still rank amongst her best. “Actor Out Of Work,” the pseudo-title-track, is throbbing, caustic, and infectious — a gliding melody atop frothing distortion. Perhaps the album’s most gorgeous song is called, of all things, “Laughing With A Mouth Full Of Blood.” One of her more underrated compositions, “Just The Same But Brand New” is a striking dreamscape of semi-renewal at the album’s conclusion. “Marrow,” as clear-cut a St. Vincent classic as anything here, made the polarities the most severe, fluttering woodwinds and airy-but-foreboding verses and an off-kilter chorus of fear and guitars warped almost beyond recognition.

There was a specificity to what Clark was doing on Actor, but it also set up what would prove to be a career in contrasts. Back then, it was the tranquility vs. violence, the quiet and peaceful vs. eruptions of rage. This is what defined St. Vincent’s earlier work: She would build pristine architecture, then set fire to it. Later on, it would take different forms: earnestness and blood vs. artifice and manipulated images. In its way, Actor is the conclusion to the first era of St. Vincent, that indie singer-songwriter who used to play with Sufjan, at the same time as it’s the prologue for the journey that would unfold over the next 10 years and three albums. Anything that could loosely be described as twee or whimsical from those early records, anything that could signify Clark’s roots in a particular era of New York indie music, would soon be burned away entirely.

In that same 2009 New York Times interview, Clark explains the meaning behind the title Actor. “It’s about just the general sense of feeling like a fraud, because I think anyone who is creative or self-aware in any way, there’s like a humility to it, or I should say a humiliation to it,” she explained. “But there’s also a self-delusion … The self-delusion is the thing that makes you go, ‘Oh you know what, all the music I’ve ever loved in the world, I want to be a part of that — hey, listen to what I have to say, it’s really important, it’s going to matter.’”

On some level, Clark was talking about the very endeavor and anxiety of creation; that fraudulence, the fake it until you make it, proving to people you deserve to be there. But on some other level, you know her ideas were good. That they were better than a lot of other people’s. In that sense, her follow-up quote is more prescient: “You can’t apologize your way into people’s hearts. You have to go full force.” Soon after Actor, that fear of self-delusion, that trepidation, seemed to evaporate from the work of St. Vincent. The name and concept behind her sophomore album became less an existential musing and more of a key into her following chapters.

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This idea of St. Vincent we saw on Marry Me and Actor is almost quaint, primitive despite its intricacy, in comparison to what came next: the pharmaceutical fog and synthetics of 2011’s Strange Mercy, leaning directly into a retro-futuristic space age queen aesthetic in the coronation of 2014’s self-titled, the dense entanglement of heartache and lust and vivid Pop Art on 2017’s MASSEDUCTION. As the years went on, Clark continued to modulate her identity and push her instrument into its outer limits. She had gone as far as she could within the original context of her career and sound, and instead took a thesis, not sonic cues, from Actor forward. There, it was the gore and whimsy against one another. Afterward, it was constant transformation, the entire project of St. Vincent becoming an exercise in different tensions musically and thematically, the entire persona of St. Vincent becoming a war in which what was performance and what was reality could often be questioned.

Consider the Annie Clark we now know. The one who had a high-profile relationship with Cara Delevingne. The one who worked with David Byrne, and the one who worked with Jack Antonoff. The one who has perfected a distance from the usual machinery of indie star interviews, trying to provoke reactions out of those who speak with her or producing videos mocking the whole enterprise. The one who performs with Dua Lipa at the Grammys. When was the last time you thought about the Polyphonic Spree at all, let alone could imagine it being listed as some kind of pivotal resume builder in Annie Clark’s career? That was still the case when Actor came out 10 years ago. Now, she’s eclipsed almost everything about where she came from. She has become an art-rock star capable of sliding between worlds, dancing towards pop to then turn and produce a Sleater-Kinney album.

Without the rest of the story, Actor might feel like more of a relic of last decade; you could imagine an alternate history in which Annie Clark continued on in a similar vein and was a respected if not visionary force. But after crafting the perfect realization of one version of herself on her sophomore album, she imploded it on her third. The forces fighting within Actor, those hints of stranger shapes and pathways, would drive her career forward. After the first implosion, there was another, and then another — each time, destruction of the old St. Vincent yielding some vibrant new creation. Actor lives on as an innovative indie album from an era littered with them, a lingering document of who St. Vincent was and a harbinger of who she would be. She had already changed here, and would do it again and again. This was just the beginning of Annie Clark proving herself the David Bowie for a new era of rock music, able to shed skin after skin, sliding into new ones repeatedly and with ease. It was the beginning of her remaking herself constantly — just like an actor.

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#st vincent #annie clark #actor #currently listening to album from beginning to end #with actual decent headphones (that haley got me for xmas) and holy fucking shit #i guess i just need to relisten to all of her records since apparently i have been hearing like 85% of the sounds #this whole time #its like listening to the record for the first time #FRISSON ON EVERY SONG #fuckin genius #🙏#ugh

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