#it's slow but the fact that physically laundry is not a task i can complete on the wet side of things

[dredshirtroberts]

y'know. i don't often hate the way my brain is and how difficult it makes certain things for me.

i do a little today though.

[maybe-i-wanna-die]

I am 8 days sober from alcohol. I am 51 days clean of methamphetamine. When do I start to feel good about my choices?

For the first time in over a year, I am sitting with my thoughts and feelings. No work, no people, no substances to distract me- and it's excruciating.

It's been 8 weeks since I was assaulted. It feels like it happened a lifetime ago. I have come to terms with the fact that I did, in fact say no to the initial advances and it wasnt my fault. I did not ask for it. I froze. But that is was not consent. I have come to terms with the fact that I will probably not seek intimacy for a long long time. Nor will I seek a relationship for a very very long time either. I am completely okay with that. I dont think my heart can deal with being obliterated after being blindsided. 10 years. I didnt see it coming. I had no say in the matter.

I thought I was doing well in looking after my physical health during my drug use. I ate what I could manage, hydrated, took multivitamins and electrolytes. But I had lost a lot of weight. For the first time in my life, I was worried for myself. Despite being hospitalized with an eating disorder and being told I was putting my life at risk, a glance I caught of my reflection was the first time I think I saw myself how others must see me. For the first time in my life, I saw what they saw and it scared me.

I will never forget tearing open the seal of a tub of Ben and Jerry's icecream and shovelling it into my mouth like my life depended on it. But now I long for that thinness.

At my worst I drank a case of beer a day, on top of what food I ate, and I was still losing weight. Sure, my nails were brittle, my hair was thinning and dry and my face was angular. Out of over 50 sets of pretty bras, I had two on rotation that I could fill out. I hovered between self care and self loathing. I liked my body but I hated I looked like I had aged.

Obviously now I have an appetite. Now I have to fight it again. Just like all those years ago. I thought I was over it.

The pantry, fridge and freezer I stocked up with calorie dense, nutritious foods that were easily accesible for when i was using was no longer an ally. I was suddenly hugry again and I ate what I had. I could not justify throwing that all out. And I did not anticipate just how hungry I was. I wish I had told myself to slow down.

Now that I am starting over again, I have filled my larder with more sensible foods and ingredients. I have cut out alcohol in hopes that I could eat sensibly without hating myself as much, for I'd saved 110cal per drink. To be so vain as to choose sobriety. Though it does make sense to me to cut out the depressant one consumes when plagued with thoughts of despair and depression.

My body was obviously in crisis. I put weight on quickly and it felt like I was wearing somebody else's body. It still does. I never thought that I would grasp at my flesh and cry again. I never thought I would once more, want to take to my flesh with those clippers they use to shave meat off in a kebab store. I thought all that was behind me. I hate how fat I feel. How uncomfortable it is just to be.

Rationally, I know that prolonged meth use has fucked up my dopamine levels and changed the entire landscape of my brain's reward system. I understand I have been listening to music turned up to 11 and now it is so hard to hear the subtle nuances of a finely conducted orchestra. But in reality, I am just miserable. I am tired. I have no desire for anything. Nothing makes me feel motivated. I have to psych myself up for a day to do my laundry. But I do make sure I acknowledge every small task I do complete. I congratulate myself for doing the thing. Even if it was as simple as taking down the recycling. I feel no reward for doing the thing. I am still recalibrating. I am absolutely miserable.

There is a part of me that so badly wishes I could just be miserable and have energy. I could be miserable and thin again. But there is also a part of me that is so stubborn that every day that goes by, I know I would hate myself for having to go back to Day 1 of sobriety again.

I am now stone cold sober and I hate myself. I am so depressed I cannot function. I make sure I eat and bathe. I make sure I am hydrated and get sun and fresh air like a pathetic houseplant. I want to not feel so sad. I want to feel good about myself.

My hair is glossy and thick again. My nails are growing like they have never grown before. Though I also attribute that to the complete lack of cooking or general living, like a racehorse that has grown old and lame. My skin is awful because I am stressed. But i know that psoriasis and dermatitis comes and goes with my histamine levels. I know in my rational mind, things take time. Time is moving like molasses and I am absolutely exhausted.

I am doing things to help myself with blind faith and science. I got a blood test and it turns out I was anaemic, vitamin B12 and vitamin D deficient. So I decided to sit in the sun, go for walks and try to run again. I dismay at how weak I feel. How fat I feel in my workout clothes. But that is something I can control with time.

I am administering Vitamin B12 shots intramuscularly every fortnight. I am eating leafy green vegetables and salmon for Omega-3 . I am taking multivitamins and drinking kefir for probiotic benefits. They say gut health and the mind are intrinsically linked. I am eating more fiber and cutting out processed foods. I am drinking more water and no more alcohol. I am doing what I can to help myself, even though they do not feel good or natural but with a blind faith that they will help me.

What I failed to anticipate was that not only did my physical health return, so did my libido. Sex has always been an important part of my life. It was agency and ownership of my pleasure. It was a heightened, almost enlightened control I could exercise over my body. I have always been frank about my desires to others and to myself. It is one game I had mastered and was exploring all the side quests.

I self injured for the first time in forever after I was assaulted. I never thought I'd do that again. But this time it was like the bright colorings of a poison dart frog. All over my buttocks, and my legs were markings to signal to stay away. I am dangerous. I am crazy. And you never stick your dick in crazy. Again and again I made myself as unattractive as I possibly could in the most drastic way I knew how.

I never wanted to be seen as a sexual being by another again. I never wanted to be an object of desire; I have struggled with this since a young age where such thoughts should a haze on the horizon. But now, I know it is something that I cannot control. Not after what happened that night.

No drug high or state of mind will ever compare to the euphoria of orgasm. And I have been robbed of it. I had accepted that I will never trust another for a long long time- with my heart or my body. I was enough on my own. But that night I was robbed of the ability to enjoy being in my body. My self sufficiency. My ability to love myself for a little bit. The ability to make myself feel good. To be content for a while- in my mind, in my body and in the world.

I crave that euphoria and that release. I crave the feeling of being out of my body and out of my mind for a while. The most curious feeling of being hyper aware and present in my physical self, yet dissociated and completely divorced from the typical state of consciousness. I miss the complete control and lack there of in that moment. I am Schrodinger's cat for a little while. The electric warmth that oscillates through my body long after. It was not a matter of state of mind. It was not a matter of whether I wanted it or not. It certainly not for a lack of trying. In every which way I knew how. It was meditative and wholesome and yet there is now a impenetrable shield to something that was easily accessible and as natural as breathing. Something I could tap into and take as much or as little as my heart desired. I would gladly give up alcohol and drugs and carbs and flowers and music and all things that make my heart sing for the rest of my life if it meant that I could just get that back.

I have been robbed of my ability to make things okay. I have been robbed to self soothe. I have lost critical agency over my own body and the ability to love myself. All I am left to work with is an unslightly body and a heart full of frustration, dejection and disappointment. It's time to move on. I am but a husk of myself. It looks like my home but I no longer live here.

[starlight-writes-stuff]

hey! i sent in the ask for the party fic with ethan (which was so good holy shit) and i was hoping you could do the SFW alphabet for him? can I be ⚙️ anon, as well? (get it?)

⚙️anon (thats so clever ily for it) , welcome !! im sorry this took me forever , but here’s your sfw alphabet - this came so easy to me i spend too much time consuming ethan content - anyway ! i really hope you enjoy this ((: reblogs are always appreciated <3

AYO LOOK AT THESE : soft , fluffy ethan content , no tws ! also , yall rockin with the new blog theme ⁉️

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

ethan is incredibly affectionate in all senses of the word- big gestures, small moments, and everything in between. he brings you flowers or food quite often, just something small to show you that you were on his mind while he was out and about. you two would have a designated date night once a week where he’d clear his schedule to spend quality time with you; either taking you out to dinner or cooking and watching movies at home with spencer. also, ethan would definitely go out of his way to do little things around the house to help you out - washing the dishes, vacuuming, folding the laundry. however, ethan wouldn’t shy away from larger gestures of affection, either: he’d take you on surprise vacations or road trips for holidays or anniversaries. 

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend? how would the friendship start?)

being ethan’s best friend would be so much fun. he’s definitely the kind of guy that would send you a text when he was 10 minutes away from your house because he was bored and wanted to go do something together. you’d never be bored around ethan- he can talk for hours, and would 100% know how to make you laugh, even if the two of you were just chilling on the couch. a friendship with ethan would be filled with adventures; concerts, midnight snack runs, campouts in the backyard and lots of fun with spencer. 

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

yes, 100%. thinking back to unus annus, ethan was a vvv touchy guy with mark, and i think that would only be amplified with his significant other- touch is one of his love languages, for sure. he’d be the type to always have some soft of physical connection; a hand on your thigh while he drives, mindlessly drawing patterns over your skin while your working, aways holding your hand in public type beat. if ethan wasn’t getting your attention when he wanted it he, would not hesitate to pick you up over his shoulder and carry you to the closest soft surface before plopping you down and wrapping you in his arms. i think he’s probably a fan of having you laying on your side, facing him so that he can hold you, but still see your face/ talk to you. he’d also love laying on your chest because he’s such a boob guy but that’s a conversation for another time ,,,,,

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

i think that if you and ethan were committed and had been dating for a while than he would absolutely want to settle down- but i feel like dating ethan would also include being around each other all the time (constant sleepovers while you aren't living together) so it wouldn’t be that drastic of a change. while he was living on his own, though, ethan obviously had to take care of himself, so he taught himself to cook and clean and do general, domestic tasks. i think he’d be a really good partner when it came to things around the house like that; ethan would always do his fair share and would pick up anything that you needed him to. 

e = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

ethan just comes off as a very feeling, sensitive person (his brand is literally soft boy what do u expect), so i think breakups would be really hard for him. he wouldnt break up with his s/o until he was 10000000% positive that it as the right choice, and had thought through it multiple times. even then, it would rip his heart out to end things- he wouldn’t be afraid to show his emotions. ethan would definitely break up with whoever he was dating in person- he knows that he owes them that.

f = fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

okay, this one is up in the air for me. i definitely feel like ethan would settle down with his person and be completely loyal to them- thats a no brainer. i just don’t know how he feels about marriage? i feel like ethan wants a life partner, i just dont know if he would marry them. (this could 1792049384% be my personal bias peeking through because i think marriage is fkn weird, but for some reason i think he would too ????? maybe thats just me)

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

ethan is just ,,,,, soft hearted, dude. he’s just gentle in general. i think emotionally he’s a total teddybear, and he feels all his emotions incredibly deep- he rules with his heart, for sure. he wants to make sure that everyone around him is happy, and if they arent, it would affect him more than he’d like to admit. physically, ethan can vary- like i said, he’s always touching you in some way, but i think he’d be down for getting a little rougher in bed when you guys want to. 

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

ethan is an envelope-the-whole-ass-person kinda hugger, hug-with-your-whole-body type deal. if you look at pictures from unus annus, even old old pictures from the tour he did w/ mark, ethan is always completely wrapped around someone, hugging them with everything in him. i think if his s/o was shorter, he’d love to stack his head on top of theirs, and if y’all were around the same height, he’d bury his face in your neck. he’s very huggy- when you’re out and about, he’s always hugging you from behind, pulling your body closer to his. i also think ethan would love koala hugs, where he was sitting and his s/o wraps their arms and legs around him- he’d sit like that forever, rubbing up and down your back.

i = i love you (how fast do they say the l-word?)

hhhhhhhhhh don't clock me for this one, yall- if ethan was feeling some type of way, he would tell you. i don't think the length of the relationship would matter as much to him as the intensity and depth of his feelings; if ethan really truly loved you and wanted to say it, he would. he’d definitely preface it with the fact that you didn’t have to say it back, that he just wanted to get it on the table and out of his head. 

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

ethan would be very secure in his relationships, and i think it would take a lot to get him jealous. however, when he was,,,,,,,, it wouldnt be pretty. like, at all. if it was a situation where someone was hitting on his s/o, he wouldn’t step in until you’d already tried to get them to leave you alone- not because he didn’t want to, but because he knew that if he did, it would get ugly. when he did step in, he’d start by saying something (not kindly worded, but to the point), and if that didn’t work i don’t think ethan would be above getting physical- he’s extremely protective of you. 

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

I THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT AND I HAVE SO MANY THINGS I'D LIKE TO SAY SO THIS ONE’S GOIN IN BULLET POINTS , GANG

okay- ethan loves to kiss you. he just loves kisses- they feel so personal and intimate to him, and he kisses you all the time, everywhere

he’ll dip you and kiss you in the middle of the grocery store aisles, he dgaf

but i think his favorite spots for kissing you would be your forehead, your lips (duh), collarbones/shoulders, down your spine and on your inner thighs hngggggg

but it goes vice versa too

ethan wants ALL your kisses . all of them , everywhere

He’s such a sucker for you kissing his neck and you cant talk me out of that (:

l = little ones (how are they around children?)

cute. literally so cute. i think that ethan would love other people’s kids, but definitely doesn’t want any of his own- at least, not right now. however, with other people’s babies he is S O F T; he loves to hold them, and would absolutely offer to try and calm a crying baby down, rocking them and singing soft lullabies to calm their woes. i also think that he would LOVE toddler aged kiddos- like 3-6. he’d be cool uncle ethan, playing catch with them, taking them to the park, finding games to play and always letting them win. he’d totally try to teach them how to ride their bike, or how to do a cartwheel, or how to jump off the swings for maximum height. ethan would totally bring them a fun lunch at school or sneak the kid’s favorite candy over to them and eat it together in a secret spot.

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

mornings with ethan would be slow and lazy and filled with golden light filtering in through the blinds. if he woke up first, ethan would be as soft as humanly possible in order not to wake you up & would sneak downstairs to make coffee and start breakfast for the two of you, sometimes bringing it up to surprise you with breakfast in bed. the two of you would spend an hour (at minimum) in bed together, waking up and peppering each other with soft pecks all over. i think ethan would be extra soft™ in the mornings- he’d be super cuddly and affectionate. 

n = night (how are nights spent with them?)

nights spent with ethan would always hold a sort of unexplainable magic- there’s something about the thought of falling asleep next to him thats just so… comforting? he’d be so warm and easy to fall asleep with, all soft and hazy and gentle; he’d fall asleep holding you as big spoon, but when y’all woke up he’d be wrapped in your arms, laying on your chest. also, if you were having a hard time falling asleep, ethan would stay up with you, talking through whatever was on your mind even if he was barely able to keep his eyes open. 

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

i think that ethan would open up more and more as the relationship progresses, going along with the natural advancement of things unless something happened that made it crucial for him to open up; if that did happen, though, you wouldn’t have to pry anything out of him. ethan is a pretty honest, open person and wants to be transparent with you always- trust is something that he values above all else and he wants to remain very truthful with you.

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

ethan is incredibly patient and understanding- it would take a lot to truly upset him. sure, the two of you would get into little tiffs here and there about stupid things, but the small arguments would be resolved within the hour with lots of hugs and kisses and soft “im sorry”s. however, if yall managed to get into a big argument, i think it would take ethan a bit to calm down and he would want to put some space between you two while he did- not to anger you any further, but to make sure that he didn’t say anything he didn't mean. ethan has a bit of a temper while he’s angry, and he wouldn’t want to say anything just to hurt you out of anger. after he cooled off he would come back and be willing to re-examine whatever had caused the issue with fresh eyes. 

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

if you’ve watched ethan ever, you know that the sweet bby doesn’t remember shit (cue the instagram live thats purpose was to help him remember a word)- but listen. i think that ethan would go out of his way to hold on to little pieces of information about his s/o, and would put so much effort into trying to remember little details. he’d store them in his brain (things like your favorite flower, the brand of chocolate you like best, etc) and reference them when he needed. 

r = remember (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

a couple moments would stick out to ethan - when y’all first met being his favorite. he’d remember every detail of the moment he was first introduced to you; what you were wearing, where you were, what y’all had been doing that night. it was something that he though about a lot, actually- he loved to reflect on the way you’d blushed as he’d introduced himself, how you’d hugged him at the end of the night. 

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

ethan isn't possessive, but he is incredibly protective of you. he secretly hates whenever someone flirts with you, even if it’s strictly platonic- you're his s/o, and he doesn't want anyone thinking any different. like i said earlier (reference letter j), ethan wouldn’t be afraid to step in and put someone in their place of they were getting a little too friendly. he likes when you’re protective of him as well, even if its something very subtle to show that he’s spoken for, such as calling him a nickname or dropping a kiss on his cheek.

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

romantic ethan my belOVED- he would try so hard. ethan would plan surprises for you for weeks before they would unfold, even roping your family and friends into his schemes. He’d be so creative with date ideas too; picnics, art classes, different seasonal excursions around california. For bigger occasions like anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and all that, ethan wouldn’t hesitate to go bigger- i definitely think he would take you traveling. he wants to see the world with his love :,)

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

ethan bites his nails, which is why he’d had you paint them- he’s trying to break the habit

he’s a very sweary human, but so are you; the only issue is he has no filter and accidentally swears in front of kids all the time lmao

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

eh. ethan is more particular about certain aspects of his appearance over others, but he’s generally well put together. he likes for his hair to look good, though- that’s the one thing that he’s picky about. 

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

ethan is his own person and is able to function on his own, but the two of you have developed a sense of codependency with each other, like any couple does. he can’t see his life without you at all anymore, and would much rather have you around than not. the two of you have fallen into a flow together- you and him against the world. life is much easier when you have another person on your team, and he’s honored that he gets to play that role for you. 

x = xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

(this may or may not be a lil hint to a fic i'm working on shshhshshhhhhhhh)

on the night unus annus ended, ethan was a wreck - rightfully so

he had a bit of an existential crisis , and started to spiral a bit

you were worried about him , and knew that he would just continue to get into his own head

so you got him out of bed

and took him on a v special date

thats all for now ;)

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

ethan wouldn't like smoking (nicotine), and if that was a habit that you were willing to budge on, he would really try to help you break it. 

overall, ethan is a very considerate and kind person, so someone that was rude or had a sense of entitlement just wouldn’t fit well with him.

z = zzz (what is a sleep habits of theirs?)

ethan can’t fall asleep without background noise. his brain gets too loud when he’s just in bed in complete silence, for better or for worse; sometimes this leads to great video ideas or new concepts for the channel, but other times it just lead to him overthinking his life. when it was that kind of night, ethan would fall asleep to soft music or one of those white noise apps- then he became dependent on it to be able to fall asleep. something about filler noise managed to calm him right down and lull him to sleep, and he pays $5 a month for the premium version of his favorite white noise app.

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH.6

You wake up sometime around one. Not too late in the day given your morning. With a decent amount of sleep under your belt you roll over and start striping your bed of its sheets. Then you make your way across your room, picking up stray clothes as you go to your hamper and dump your collection of dirty linens and clothes into it. You carry the hamper to the bathroom where you load half into the washer. There's no real point in separating the clothes from colored items and pastels or whites. You're only twenty-four and don't have your life totally figured out yet. You can be a little lazy with laundry.

Once your first load of laundry is being washed you go to do your weekly tidy of your home. The one good thing that came from the paranoia of your car's break in was you rearranged all the furniture of the home, thus cleaning as you went. So that means it's more of a quick wipe down of counters and sweeping today. Maybe you'd organize your art supplies while doing your laundry. It's an activity that wouldn't distract you too much and make you forget you had laundry in the wash.

You finish washing the dishes from this morning you begin wiping the counters and tabletop when you notice your fidget cube is still on the table where Toby left it earlier.

'Don't want to lose this. Back to the bookshelf where you belong.' When you get to the living room's bookshelf you notice one of your book's is missing. Ironically it's The Book Thief.

'Tobias probably picked it up and put it down somewhere.' you'd keep your eyes peeled for the book while you cleaned.

After wiping down bookshelves, tables, counters, even the mantel over the fire place you still hadn't found your missing book. You probably picked it right up and placed it right back down without even realizing. You'll just keep an eye out until you find it. You don't even reread books, you really just kept a copy to lend out to people when they ask what your favorite books are. It isn't a real big deal if you can't find it, plus there's bound to be a copy floating somewhere in a thrift shop or yard sale.

The washer chimes right as you grab the broom to sweep. Pausing this task to go retrieve your laundry and do the rest. You empty the dirty clothes left in the basket onto the floor and place the clean wet ones inside the basket. After starting the final load you carry the basket out back. As nice as this home is its still small and doesn't have a dryer, which early summer is fine but come fall and winter might be more cumbersome. Seeing as you have to hang the laundry out to dry outside. Maybe when it gets cold you'll just do smaller loads and hang them up in the bathroom or over the fire place. But that's a thought for future you. Right now current you is struggling yet again to get a fitted sheet to sit on the line. Fitted sheets are probably Satan himself in disguise.

When you finish stringing all the laundry up you take a moment to just enjoy the quiet and the peace that comes with the outside. It's nice out here, maybe after you finish the last few chores today you can come out and just draw, it'd be a good way to also keep an eye on this weather in case it turns. While it hasn't happened yet you're very aware of the risks you take by ignoring the existence of meteorologists. And by that you mean just not bothering to look up the weather for the day.

Heading back inside you restart your task of sweeping. Like you thought you've finished before the washer has even completed it's first cycle. The house isn't too big so it's easy to clean it from top to bottom within a day normally, but today you had even less to do thanks to this week's rearranging. So you move on to organizing your art supplies and separating all materials by medium.

Of course arranging materials is never easy, after all you end up staring at all your horded empty sketch books and note how your thumbnail notebooks are just covered in doodles and random scribbles but no real art or ideas. Maybe it's time to start kicking yourself into gear. You ran into a major period of burnout before moving and now with this fresh start you might be able to focus on progressing with art, even if you don't pursue it as a career. You've always loved the ability to draw and create images that make others happy. But right in this moment you just want to make yourself happy. Maybe you could start small just a few still lifes and see how you feel after that.

Hearing the chime of the washer you hurry to finish putting away the supplies in their newly assigned places. Just as before you transfer the wet and clean clothes into the awaiting basket and take them out to be hung to dry. You don't have another fitted sheet this go round so it goes by much faster than it previously had. Now with all of your washing for today hung you head back inside to grab a fresh sketchbook.

Having never been one for scenery, more of a portrait artist, you start off with small things. A few stills of a flower under the window, the old tire swing on the tree, and even the blue jay that dove for dinner right in front of you. Of course all of these were warm ups done in a few minutes, though you really wish you had more time on the blue jay one. You really need practice with things that aren't people.

The warm ups of course don't look very good, but you can still see what you'd been going for. The hatching and smudging you'd done, to increase depth and give the quick drawing more life, did help a little but it was clear this was an area where you weren't skilled. But that didn't deter you, after all you  needed more practice and wouldn't be getting better without it.

Deciding to draw the scene before you, a small open meadow surrounded by trees, in other words your backyard with your drying laundry. You start off slow and make sure to actually look and take in the yard in front of you, doing your best to not just make up the trees and their shapes as you go. Soon you are lost in the meditative muscle memory of drawing. The scratching of pencil scrapping across paper further lulling you into a trance like state as you etch out the scenery.

A harsh breeze blows through and the loud flapping of sheet hitting sheet knocks you loose from your trance. Checking to make sure none of your laundry was flying off, it hadn't the laundry was still secured to the line. Smiling you glance down to actually see what you've sketched out so far. It isn't too bad, though you aren't sure how long you've been working on it, the trees all have a distinct shape rather than your typical cartoon one size fits all attempts. Scanning the page your eyes catch onto something off, out in the tree line it looks like you'd drawn a figure hiding behind a tree.

Hearing the beating of your heart that's currently hammering against your chest you look around. Did your mind do that as a joke or had someone genuinely been watching you draw? Your mouth is dry as your eyes scan the tree line for any sign of what could've been mistaken for a person, but you saw nothing. No one was there. Had anyone ever really been there? Why would you draw that? Why wouldn't you remember doing it? You don't feel safe out here anymore. There are eyes watching you you can feel it. They may not physically be there but the phantom eyes that surround you and cause your skin to crawl make sure you know of their presence. You take that as a sign to head inside for the evening, one that doesn't need to be repeated.

You lock the door immediately behind you and check your phone. It's seven, and you have an email notification. Thanking whatever power for the distraction you slide down your back door and open the notification. It's from Hollis!

YN r u  coming to SND? It's that teen beach zombie movie u love. Y;know the awful D list one Blk and wht with the 50yos playing teenagers

Lemme know I'll save your seat.

Sent 6:47 P.M.

They're so sweet to remember you loved this awful D list zombie movie. Horrible subplots and main plot and all. But you're a little spooked right now and watching even that joke of a horror movie is probably too much for you. You doubt you'd feel better by the time ten rolls around to watch it. Not to mention your battery's still drained from Toby this morning. And knowing for a fact you'd probably stay late to talk till morning with Hollis, Jake, and Kirby you decide it's best to skip this week. Just not having the energy to handle Saturday Night Dead.

Nah, sorry man. Battery's dead from being social earlier. Thanks tho, I do appreciate you! ….....,.... lemme know what next week's movie is!

Sent 7:10 P.M.

It'd probably be a good time to make something for dinner, there's a box of mac n cheese in the pantry. Simple but always beloved. As you wait for Hollis to respond you start on boiling water. But you didn't have to wait too long since they'd answered near instantly.

Chill, don worry we'll catch ya next week

…..oooop

ot not...Kirb's said it's the start of watching the entire warren file collection

starting from the beginning

...well the first movie released, Insidious. LOL we probs won't ever see you again.

Sent 7:12 P.M.

How dare Kirby betray you like this. First off those movies are awful, and like not cheesy awful just awful awful. Not to mention he knows how you feel about the Warrens and their cases. You have a power point presentation ready for that dick the next time you see him. ...well not literally but you'd make one to prove a point!

Where's Kirby now? I just wanna talk, I just wanna talk is all.

Sent 7:18 P.M.

Already ran off toy vermont probably

will we get blessed with a ted talk nxt week?

Sent 7:20 P.M.

I can't tell if you're joking or not. If you aren't then yea I can make a power point and we'll play that instead of the movies. Every week until this town understands the severity of this.

Sent 7:21 P.M.

Ya just jkin.

Your passionate hate is funny tho, so could be good to do something mid warren marathon.

Sent 7:23 P.M.

Guess the dissertation on how horrendous the “exorcisms” were will have to wait. They'd just been joking. This is probably a good ending of the conversation anyway, it's hard to tell sometimes but you feel you'll just run in circles with the current topic or worse fall into a rant that they won't read all the way through because they'll have left with the rest of the stunt gang to get dinner before heading over to the Cryptonomica for Saturday Night Dead. Hollis is typically a real good sport about this kinda thing but you'd rather not bog down their night with your hate boner for the Warrens.

'I'll let them know later that I'll still come to Saturday Night Dead next week.' you think as you dump the pasta into the water that finally came to a boil. It's quiet as you cook your macaroni dinner. You'd normally not notice the lack of sound or life in your home before, but maybe having Connor and Toby over put things into perspective. Guests aren't really a thing you've ever had, you always feel rude if your social battery runs out before someone's stay is over. But maybe you're lonely, and it's put you on edge.

Though this week would've put anyone on edge, you have still been alone in this house for two months. That can't be healthy for your mental well being, humans are social creatures by nature after all. Maybe you could get a pet, something that'd make it's fair share of noise and give the home a bit more life than your normally hollow shell wondering the halls. Are you even sure you want a pet? Do you have time for one? You have the standard nine to five, but what about when you're off on a nightly trip because of your sleeplessness? What if you forgot about them? Hell your brain's been so foggy these last few months, it wouldn't be surprising.

Like a sign from the divine themselves, the pot of water boils over. Steam is rising as the sizzling is heard. Your head snaps twice to the right as you scramble to lower the heat and raise the pot off the eye. Putting it down on an unused eye you give it a quick stir and thankfully no pasta got burned to the bottom of the pan....this time. The pasta seems a little crunchy but a texture you'll eat so you kill the hot eye and start on the cheese portion of your mac n cheese.

As you eat you continue your original debate about getting a pet. Ultimately deciding that you just aren't ready for that kind of responsibility right now. Sure you'd had tons of pets in your parents' home but that was with a financial safety net and back when your mental health wasn't all over the place. Not to mention the pets were family pets and responsibility was split three ways.

There isn't much room in your home for you to have a roommate, and that presents a whole nother set of challenges. You could try to make friends through online forums again! It's hard to talk to people in general but you always get scared off before replying to a comment or post. Or overshare to the point people infantize you. Even better trying therapy out could help with your loneliness. Hah ok good one, even if you had money for it consistently you don't think you could trust someone knowing all your secrets but not knowing any of theirs. And while that in and of it self is an example of why you need it, you're rational enough to realize you aren't ready for that either.

After finishing your meal you put away the left overs and clean the dishes. You'll be happier tomorrow knowing they aren't your problem to deal with. You start to make your way to your bedroom but freeze just before the hall.

'You shouldn't stay here...you need to leave.'

A glance at the time tells you it's eight thirty-nine, if you left right now you could make it to Saturday Night Dead with time to spare. You don't need to fill the loneliness with new friends, just spend time with the ones you already have. Duh. Turning you grab your keys off the bookshelf and take one of the masks hanging from a hook by the door.

Checking your door was locked and locking your car once you were in, you're ready to drive. Knowing you're still overstimulated you forgo the music on this drive, hoping it will calm you down enough to enjoy the movie and some down time with friends. And that would help put a pin in your self isolating habits. It'd really be nice if you brought movie snacks over to surprise the gang. You're pretty sure the mini mart carries everything you need. Jake likes swedish fish, Hollis is addicted to those extreme sour airhead ropes, and Kirby's a weirdo with his love of red vines and surge. Hahaha that man will die before he's thirty-eight.

Still having the extra time you deiced to stop by the mini mart and grab the candy. What's the worse that can happen you have another panic attack in front of strangers. Plus you hadn't seen Magnolia the last few times and you'd hate for her to think you'd been ignoring her. Pulling into the empty mini mart parking lot you take a breath to steel your resolve before leaving your car.

Tim looks at the door when he hears the chime and stiffens when he sees you. Fuck you did have a panic attack in front of this guy last night, plus you really haven't formally met. But didn't Toby say his roommate was named Tim? And he and Brian were both here talking with Tim last night before you came in. That can't be coincidence.

“uh...hi?” you say awkwardly standing in the doorway, door closed behind you.

“um, hi?” perfect he's just as awkward in this situation as you are. You can work with this.

Moving through the first two isles you keep your eyes peeled for Magnolia, even though you can make this an in and out trip for candy, you do miss the little bodega cat.

“Wh- hey are you, are you even ok to be here?” Tim calls as he rounds the counter and makes his way to you.

“Huh? Oh...oh yea. I'm chill now.” you hear the bell before you see her. The little ting tin ting of her bell that comes with the grace only fluffy cats have.

���You literally collapsed on the floor last night after blacking out while driving.” his tone is very stern. He and Nate would probably get on like a house on fire. The grumpy old men who secretly care a lot duo.

“I don't remember collapsing...but I know I didn't drive.” well you don't know that but you do firmly believe that.

The man is just turning into the isle when you spot the floof sauntering just behind him. Magnolia didn't spare either of you a glance as she made her way to the counter. Probably going to her bed, an old shipping box for apples, you'd just meet her over there then. With no warning to the man you squeeze past him and and follow the cat. Agitated footsteps following after you in your quest to pet the cat.

Magnolia perks up upon seeing you, the flicking of her tail letting you know she's anticipating her pets. The huffing Tim hovering behind you isn't as pleased with your actions as the cat is. The man is radiating negativity, annoyance maybe or is it concern that breeds frustrated anger? The second he starts to clear his throat, as if to remind you of his hovering, you roll your eyes.

Looking back at him over your shoulder you see him in all his grumpy man glory.  His brow was furrowed so hard his thick eyebrows nearly covered his eyes. But with the way his lips emoted the man before you looked more like a pouting muppet. It would be funny if it weren't for the foreboding feeling of the moments before being reprimanded by a teacher.

When you straighten up you take note that your eyes meet perfectly. He's the same height as you that's surprising, you thought he'd be taller than 5'7. His eyes widen slightly at seeing your full height, it must've thrown him off since the first time he saw you, you'd actively been trying, and had succeeded at looking smaller.

“What are you doing here?” well he doesn't get thrown off for long.

Running a hand through Magnolia's fur a few more times as you respond, “Petting Magnolia.” you really are a little shit sometimes.

“No...no, why are you out? Toby had to take you home last night, you shouldn't just be waltzing around town after that.” maybe it was frustrated concern.

“Oh I'm fine now.”

Magnolia at this point has jumped up on the counter and is headbutting you for more attention. Chuckling you turn your attention back to her. Meanwhile Tim behind you is at a loss for words.

“Fine?? You don't just...bounce back from a panic attack.”there's personal experience behind those words.

“I just rationalize things fast.” Hearing the trill of the clock on the wall reminds you that you need to grab those snacks and head over to the Cryptonomica for movie night.

Going to the candy isle you grab one of each of the gang's favorites, you snag a bag of white cheddar popcorn on the way to the counter and place your items there. Tim doesn't get a word out before you rush off to the cooler near the back that is in all honesty pretty sketch. Like who even makes  Fruitopia anymore? That stuff got discontinued in the early 2000s. The cooler even has Hi-C Ecto Coolers...you might actually check if they're in date and grab a few.

Rummaging around the cooler you finally spot the weird tech green and black splattered can proudly stating SURGE. It has no date...questionable at best. But hey it's only Kirby drinking it, and it's been well established that man will die well before middle age.   Grabbing a can to check the Ecto Coolers, luck is on your side! These cans are from the re-release that happened as a promotion for the Ghostbusters revival a few years back, they'll be good for another two years! For now you'll just take one so you won't have to worry about lugging cans around for the movie.

Once your new items are placed on the counter the expression on Tim's face cannot even be described. The questions of the surge are probably the ones easiest to read...or they're just the most predictable.

“Kirby likes red vines and surge, sickening right?” Maybe a little joke will break the ice.

“...Like that little round pink...thing?”  What?

The laughter is coming out before you can stop it, the image of said pink Kirby consuming red vines and surge only to accessorize as your friend comes to mind. It's adorable and cursed at the same time. Adorably cursed. You'll have to draw that and print a few copies to hang around the Cryptonomica.

“No,” you're choking on giggles at this point, “Kirby, the owner of the Cryptonomica.” catching your breath and regaining your composure, “It's that tourist trap just across from the RV park.”

“Oh.” normally such a short cold reply would make you shut down the conversation. But This is Toby's roommate, and if you want to be friends with Toby, you'll probably run into him a lot more. Plus if he's a new night shift cashier it wouldn't hurt to be on good terms with him for when you're out on adventures.

“Yea, hey Toby mentioned you three just came to town, so you might not have known but the Cryptonomica does a weekly movie night on Saturdays. Saturday Night Dead. Normally it's awful old horror movies but next week they're starting a Warren Case files “arch”.” Tim doesn't take the conversation bait at the pause.

“It's a great way to meet other locals, you guys should check it out if you get the chance. It starts at ten and runs till one or so on most weeks.” Olive branch has been extended.

Tim relaxes for the first time since you got here tonight. The sheepish look on his face and twitchy pupils give the impression he's thinking it over. He sighs and nods before saying, “Yea, that sounds...nice.”

Olive branch skeptically taken! You'll count this one as a win in your book. With the mood lightened Tim breaks the ice a bit further.

“Surge and red vines can not be good for you.”

“Right! If living off mountain dew and pizza rolls doesn't kill him, this for sure will.” you both have a small laugh at that. It's nice to finally have cleared up the mix up from the beginning of the week. Which reminds you.

“Oh...um...I'm YN by the way. It's nice to meet you...sorry for the two,” your neck tics to the side, “previous nights.” you finish.

“Tim...and it,uh happens sometimes...'s fine.” Score awkward acknowledgment of previous meetings and you can now erase those from your nightly anxieties.

Tim finishes ringing and bagging your items and you pay. Giving another pet to the curled up kitty on the counter you nod farewell to Tim.

A trill rings out from the clock on the wall. It's ten.

Two heads snap to look at the wall. You take a second glance at your phone while Tim checks his watch. Both say the clock on the wall is correct. But it just turned nine not even ten minutes ago. Right? You can brush off yourself loosing track of time but when you involve another person that just doesn't make sense. Tim looks just as concerned as you. Only Magnolia lays unaffected by the lost fifty minutes.

“I should go.” Tim nods numbly to you as you exit the store.

You won't be able to make it to the movie, well you could but you'd disturb someone if you walked in mid movie. Choosing to go home instead you drive, once again without music. Entering your home you hang your mask back on the hook. Putting away the drinks and snacks for next weekend, you make your way to your bedroom. Once again freezing just before the hallway. Turning to your living room you can see a book in the middle of your coffee table. You definitely don't remember the book being there, and doubt you'd miss it out in the open. But as you got closer you could confirm, even in the dark, that it was The Book Thief.

[7ella7]

Downs and ups.

Yesterday was a weird headspace day for me.  I felt fine in the morning- I worked on my tasks and was going along, but not really getting a ton of focused attention from him.  At one point, I had gone downstairs to work out, and he started a show that I just don’t watch.  When I came back up I folded the laundry and put it away, and was on the couch on my iPad for a while.  Eventually the show was too much and I had to leave the room, so I ended up in the bedroom for quite a while he watched and did some work on his laptop.  He asked if he should change it or use the downstairs space he has, but I didn’t mind going into the bedroom.  When we talked later I ended up being kind of snippy and I felt bad, but then it happened again while we were talking to one of our dads for Father’s Day (not audible on the phone call).  A little bit later my head was on his thigh while we were on the couch together, and I apologized for getting a tone, and told him that I really hope that he will expect better from me in the future.  When I thought about why it had happened, it wasn’t immediately clear.  I wasn’t actually mad at him or anything.  However, we don’t have kids and I’m in my very slow season for work, so I have a good amount of time on my hands, and I very much look forward to the times when he’s done with work and to the weekends when we can really connect.  I think my attitude came directly from not feeling actively engaged with him for so long throughout the day, but that’s shitty on my part.  While I have a lot of free time at the moment, he’s very much working just as hard as ever and needs to be able to do whatever he wants for a while without worrying about what I’m doing/feeling.  The last thing I want to do is overwhelm him with requests for more of his time.  So I guess I’ve got to figure out how to be better about being submissive in those moments and work on being more respectful even when I’m frustrated.  

Eventually, we went to bed and put on the TV.  He asked for me to suck him off, which felt great.  I’ve been offering my services a lot lately, so it was nice change of pace to go down on him at his request.  Most times when I’m giving him head I’m able to completely shut down everything else and just focus on his pleasure, and a lot of times it turns me on to be used like that.  I find myself getting breathy and almost like humming from how stimulated I can be even though I’m not physically being touched.  Sometimes when I realize I’m doing it it can pull me out of the moment a little bit and I feel a little self-conscious because it doesn’t make sense in my brain why I get that way without my own physical stimulus.  I kind of worry (worry may be too strong of a word for what I mean) what he would think if he noticed it, and if he would feel like it was somehow like a performance or something.  Idk.  Anyway, after he finished, I went up to his chest and laid under his arm.  I was worked up and asked if he would allow me to orgasm.  He said no.  While we were laying there, I stroked him more, and eventually I asked if I could use my mouth on him.  He allowed it for a while, then told me to finish him by hand.  I asked again because I was super built up, but he didn’t let me come.  It’s the first time I’ve been denied.  While it sucked to not be allowed, I also appreciated the fact that he is in control of that part of me.  It really is freeing to me that he dominates me in this area.  It releases me from a lot of inhibitions that I have because I can just focus on serving him the way he would like to be served.

This morning I woke up at 4:30 am.  He was sleeping noisily and I still had that needy ache.  I eventually decided to get up and start my tasks since there was little chance I’d be able to get back to sleep.  I got a load of laundry going and emptied the dishwasher, then looked at tumblr for a while.  When it got close to the time I knew his alarm would go off, I switched the laundry into the dryer, then brushed my teeth and got back under the covers.  I was able to relax better and even drifted once.  When his alarm went off he said that he wanted more sleep and I (mostly) jokingly responded that I wanted an orgasm.  He chuckled and went back to sleep.  When the alarm went off again, I snuggled up to him and told him that I’d already done the laundry and unloaded the dishwasher, and asked to be allowed to come, thinking that if he’d denied me the night before because of my rude tone that maybe my acts of service would sway him to give me permission.  His tone shifted to be much more serious and he said, “No, I’ll let you know when I decide you can come.  You can stop asking.”  I felt a little embarrassed for pushing so hard on my own behalf, but also completely submissive in that moment.  After he said that, I was able to relax and wait until it would please him.  I’m still really conscious of how thankful I am that he’s my Dom and he’s willing to call the shots for me.

22 June 2020

[makabunni]

The Maka Albarn Challenge

I’ve watched Soul Eater around 13 times, read it multiple, and have been an avid fan for years now. Maka Albarn has been one of the biggest inspirations since I came across the anime. I know the characters like the back of my hand. 

Since I look up to some of her qualities as a character a lot, I figured I’d turn it into a challenge. If you’re reading this, then I’m already starting.

Here’s a quick overview as to what we’re focusing on:  Physical fitness & health, flexibility, studying, language learning, advocacy and generally being put together.  You can add or remove things if you want, edit it to your needs. If you don’t like the sound of that, make your way to the exit.

This challenge is not tiny and will expand as i get more ideas and time goes on. This means I’ll edit things occasionally. In true Maka fashion, this is not slow in pace. I’m building a carrd  so check it occasionally to see when it’s finished.  We’re going week by week with daily things to add. I made it customizable but I’ll be posting my own updates.

WEEK 01:

Reorganize closet & bathroom

Do five workouts

Drink 8 glasses of water per day

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Stretch for 10 minutes every day

Build a morning routine and a night routine

If you want your weekly tasks to be easier, add one or two into one of the routines.

Suggestions for morning/night routines: 2-3 self care items, 1 motivational item, 1 habit, 1 productivity item, 1 planning item, breakfast, stretching, clean 1 area

No phone for 7 hours this week (try a phone addiction app)

Pick a subject, study it for 3 hours

Fold clothes as soon as they finish drying

WEEK 02:

Stick with the morning and night routines, do not skip

Do five workouts

Drink 8 glasses of water per day

Stretch for 10 minutes every day

Do dishes as soon as you make them

Pick a subject, study it for 4 hours

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Eat veggies/fruit every day this week

No phone for 8 hours this week 

Watch a documentary

Read one book/fanfiction

Spend an hour doing something you really enjoy, even if it’s netflix.

Practice improving something four times

WEEK 03:

Keep going with the routines! If you need to, add things to them.

Go on one run/jog/walk

Drink 8 glasses of water per day

Stretch for 15 minutes every day

If it takes less than 2 minutes to do, do it then and there.

Watch two documentaries 

Read one book/fanfiction (if you’re a writer, write one!)

Do something you miss doing for 20 minutes per day

No phone for 10 hours this week

Study a language for 1.5 hours every day

Cook a new meal!

Do five workouts

Affirm yourself of one thing positive every day

Practice improving something five times

WEEK 04:

No procrastination! Try to get things done without procrastinating.

Make a to-do list for this week with all of your tasks and every morning, try to get as many of them done as you can.

Don’t forget your routines :D

Go on two runs/jogs/walks

Drink 8+ glasses of water per day

Stretch for 15 minutes every day

Read two books/fanfictions

Do something you miss doing for 30 minutes a day

No phone for 10 hours this week

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Do five workouts

Keep affirming yourself once per day!

Practice improving something 20 minutes a day

Prepare a bento/lunch box 

Find something to invest in! Whether it be knowledge or stocks. 

MONTH TWO

Entering month two, we’re going to carry over a few things (i just won’t write them into each week so that there’s less reading involved) Starting this month, carry the following into each week:

8+ glasses of water/day

Morning & Night routines

No phone for 10 hours every week

3-5 workouts

Stretch for 15 minutes every day

Do something you miss/enjoy for 20 minutes a day (even if it’s tv)

Learn one new fact every week

WEEK 01:

Read four books/fanfictions

Go on two run/jog/walks

If it takes less than two minutes, do it then and THERE.

No procrastination week! Avoid procrastination like the plague

Indulge in a hobby three times

Study a language for 3 hours every day

Study something new this week

Try a smoothie bowl

Watch two documentaries

Organize the rest of the house

Complete your to-do list

Sign up for something new to try

If you haven’t already, start a skincare routine. And follow it the best you can!

Set up a bed time! This is important! Set a wake-up time too and put your phone across the room.

Add a good habit into your life this week

Practice something once this week

Advocate for something you care about/do research on that subject

WEEK 02:

Read four books/fanfictions

Go on three runs/jogs/walks

Complete to do list

Create a schedule to fit your routine and daily needs, add in your tasks and look at how much time you have left over in the day, fill it in!

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Make a bento/lunch box

Practice improving something this week

Do all dishes after you’re finished with them and keep up with laundry

Spend an hour every day doing something relaxing/nice

Try to get as far as you can on a duolingo tree

Study a subject for 5 hours this week

Eliminate one bad habit this week

Try meditation or just relaxing with music for an hour this week

Make a chart/etc on something you care about

WEEK 03:

Read five books/fanfictions

Go on three runs/jogs/walks

Complete to do list

Follow your schedule three days this week

Study a language for 1 hour every day

Keep up with laundry this week

Spend an hour every day doing something relaxing/nice

Continue the duolingo tree! Every day! Even if it’s five minutes.

Watch a new movie/show/anime/etc

Do something you’ve always wanted to but were too unmotivated

Eat something healthy each day

Stick ! to ! your ! wakeup ! time !

Study a subject for 5 hours this week

Eliminate another bad habit

Make a cleaning schedule and try to follow it!

Affirm! Yourself! Daily! You got this

WEEK 04:

Read four books/fanfictions

Go on four runs/jogs/walks

Complete to do list

Follow the schedule for 5 days this week

Study a language for 4 hours every day

Spend an hour every day doing something relaxing/nice

Continue on the duolingo journey!

Eat something healthy each day

Listen to some new music this week

Study another topic every day this week

Try a hair mask/face mask

Don’t forget to keep up with laundry and dishes this week

Watch a new show/movie/anime/etc

Add two new good habits to your life this week

Tell yourself something affirming every day

Okay that’s all I have for now, this is a personal challenge and i haven’t added everything to it because then this would be a massive post full of insane goals. I’m an overachiever and will be posting weekly or daily updates to this blog.  Anyways enjoy uwu

[oozmart]

Here’s another oneshot about Dahlia and the Sawyers!  Hope yall enjoy :)

_______________________________________________________________________

Dahlia plopped down on the couch, took a deep breath, and let out a long sigh.  She just danced like she’d never danced before to her favorite mix tape.  She might as well, she was home alone for once.   The house was her ballroom.

It wasn’t often Dahlia was home alone.  Although no one could ever really be home alone in the Sawyer house, Grandpa was always there.  Fortunately he didn’t say or do much.  He just sat in his chair and watched her go to town on the make-shift dance floor that was the Sawyer’s underground living room.  

Dahlia was grandpa-sitting while the boys went hunting.  Drayton went with them to help spot decent prey.  The pickings have been a bit slim lately, but thats just how it is this time of year.  Its slow season.  Drayton was always the crankiest around this time of year.  “WE’RE LOSING MONEY EVERY DAY,” he’d yell, “IT’S BAD ENOUGH YOU BOYS AREN’T BRINGING HOME ENOUGH GRUB!  NOW I’VE GOTTA DO THE WORK OF 3 MEN!”  It was nothing new to anyone who lived under the same roof as him.

Dahlia may not have been hunting, but she thought she worked hard enough taking care of the house.  She was the only person, besides Drayton, who had a real job and earned any income for this family.  Even on her day off she took the time to clean the house, do the dishes, do the laundry, sort the leftovers in the fridge, feed grandpa, AND bake 2 pies.  Those boys could barely do one chore on a good day, let alone all of them.

These acts weren’t simply out of kindness or obligation, however.  Dahlia was itching to get on Drayton’s good side, because she had some special plans for her and her favorite Sawyer brother, Chop Top.  The tense energy and busy schedule Drayton created left them little to no wiggle room for alone time as a couple, despite their many attempts.  She wouldn’t fail tonight though.  She was feeling extra frisky.  

The small lady wasn’t sure why, but her heart yearned for her lover’s arms more than ever.  She wanted him to hold her, pin her down, tie her up, bite her, cut her…  Nothing was off limits tonight.  Dahlia flustered herself over the nasty thoughts.  She fanned her face, still sweaty from all the dancing.  She thought about how Chop would beg for her when he wanted to have her.  He would do anything just to get in her pants.  She wondered how he would react when the tables were turned.  What would he do if he saw her beg for him?  Would he like it?  She placed her hand on her leg, and slowly slid it up to her pelvic bone, thinking about the night ahead of her.

In the midst of her fantasy, she heard a small moan.  She looked to grandpa, who was wiggling a bit in his chair.  Dahlia sniffed the air.  Smoke?  She gasped, “MY PIES!!!” She leapt from the couch and ran to the kitchen.  She frantically slipped on a pair of oven mitts and opened the oven door.  She sighed from relief, “A bit well-done, but still good!  Phew!  Thanks, grandpa!”  She pulled the tray out of the oven and set it on top of the stove to cool.  

“YOU TWO COON SHITS CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!” The sound of Drayton’s complaining echoed through the dirt walls.  Dahlia turned sharply, realizing they were finally back from a long day’s work.  She threw off her mitts and bolted for a mirror.  She bumped a skeleton sitting at a small vanity to the floor to fix her hair.  She took it down from her ponytail, and shook out all the sweat.  She smiled at her reflection, cute as usual.  A little wet, but it was kinda sexy.

“Aw, come on, bro!  I- It wasn’t that bad!  We got oooooonnnneeee!!!”  

Dahlia’s heart skipped a beat upon hearing her lover’s raspy voice.  

Drayton was the first to enter the living space, “I told you once, I told you a thousand and ten times!  ONE WON’T CUT IT!!!”  Dahlia skipped over to Drayton with a chipper attitude, much to his dismay, “Whatdya want, girly?” he spit out that nickname like it was a disease.

Dahlia gestured to the room, “Notice anything?”  Drayton looked around a moment, as she waited in anticipation for some gratification.  

“You, uh, you knocked over that there skeleton.” He pointed to the skeleton on the floor beside the vanity.  “You oughta pick it up.” he ordered, making his way to the kitchen.  Dahlia rolled her eyes and huffed.  She stomped over to the skeleton and sat it back up on the stool, its head rolling off in the process.  Ignoring the decapitated head, she proceeded to follow behind Drayton.  “I cleaned the house!  In fact, I did all the chores.” she boasted, hoping he might give her just a sliver of praise.  

“You did the dishes?” he asked.  She nodded proudly.  “Well,” he continued, “looks like you’re gonna have to do more once those pies get eaten.”  He continued to go about business as usual, as if she didn’t work her ass off all day for this very moment.  She sighed and shrugged it off, that was the closest to a thank you she would get out of him for today.  His mind was obviously in other places.

Bubba came into the kitchen lugging a chunk of meat he shaved off of some poor idiot who got caught.  Despite being covered in blood, he grabbed Dahlia and pulled her in for a hug.  She cried in disgust, “BUBBAAA!!!  You’re gonna get blood in my hair!!!”  She pushed herself off of him, and gave him a cold stare.  He looked down in shame, wiping his hands on his apron.  As if that did anything, the apron was blood-soaked too.  Dahlia gave another exasperated sigh, “You boys are going to be the death of me…” she muttered, and patted the big-little brother on the arm. 

“H-H-Hey, cook!  Whereya want this???” Chop Top shouted from the entrance holding up a bucket of gouged out eyeballs.  Drayton shouted back, “Where the fuck else would I want them?!?!?  Bring’em here to the kitchen, ya dumbass!!!”  

Dahlia’s eyes became hearts as her man hobbled across the room like a goblin.  She threw herself against a large pipe and struck a seductive pose, only for him to pass her right by.  This girl just about had enough of the Sawyer’s for one evening.  The boys hadn’t even been home for 10 minutes and they seemed to be going out of their way to make a fool out of her.

Chop Top set the bucket on the counter next to Drayton.  Once this small task was complete, he set his sights on Dahlia.  He creeped over to her, and stood over her unnoticed for a moment.  “H-H-Hey lil mama.” he said softly.

A chill went down Dahlia’s spine.  He called her by her pet name.  This set off all those feelings she had when she was sitting on the couch mere moments ago.  She quickly turned and jumped up into his arms, smacking a big kiss on his lips.  

Losing his balance, he fell to the ground with a thud.  “AH!” he shrieked, “You stupid bitch!!! Jumpin’ like a spider monkey all over me!”  Still on top of him, she continued to kiss him all over his face.  The average person may find him grotesque, but she thought he was a hunk.  Chop Top knew better though.  This behavior was weird, even for Dahlia.  “W-W-What’s wrong with you?” he couldn’t help but smile when he asked.  As odd as it was, he did enjoy the physical attention.

“Ooh, I just REALLY wanna listen to the radio tonight, big daddy!  Can we? Can we, please?!?!”  That was their little secret code term for “let’s get our groove on.”  While his pet name for her was Lil Mama, she called him Big Daddy.  She didn’t say it often, but when she did it meant she wanted it bad.

Chop Top’s pale white face turned red like a cherry.  He never saw her so eager before.  It was he who usually initiated everything.  It was very different throwing yourself at a girl than having a girl throw themselves at you.  It made him a bit nervous, he could feel a sweat start under his arms.  All he could mutter out was a small stutter, “Y-Y-Ya?”

Drayton stomped over, and grabbing Dahlia by the arm, yanked her off his lap.  “No one’s gonna listen to nothin if we don’t get any work done!!!”  Still having a grip on her, he tossed her towards the kitchen.  He then proceeded to grab Chop Top by the shirt and lift him onto his feet.  Chop Top didn’t say a word, which was very unlike him.  “Whats the matter with ya boy?” Drayton asked, mildly concerned but mostly annoyed.  Chop Top just stared blankly in Dahlia’s direction, his heart beating like he just ran a marathon.  The old man had no time to waste, so he just shook his head and left him there to stare.  “Well, i’ve got 2 other sets of hands that aren’t completely cuckoo shit yet.” the old man muttered under his breath, but still loud enough that everyone heard.

Bubba continued to haul meat back and forth from the cutting room to the kitchen.  He passed Chop Top with his blank stare and stopped.  He was worried about his big brother.  He was usually loud and obnoxious, but he suddenly seemed dumbfounded.  Bubba tapped his arm as gently as he could.  He continued to give little nudges until Chop Top finally shook out of the trance.  “BUBBA!” he shouted, “You ever feel like your hearts gonna explode and your body is shakin and your mind is goin CRAZY OUT OF THIS WORLD?!?!”  

Unsure how to properly respond, Bubba simply shrugged his shoulders.  He stayed by his side still, worried his brother was falling ill.  The middle Sawyer realized his little bro wouldn’t understand, and quickly brushed him away.  The big man sighed, hoping everything was going to be alright for his favorite brother.

Chop Top moseyed to the kitchen and stood next to his little woman as she began cutting up the pie.  He wanted to speak, but he found himself unable to open his mouth.  Once again frozen in time.  He watched her as she casually worked like a little housewife, enamored by each motion she made.  Her fingertips carefully graced the crust of the pie, as not to crush it inward.  Her eyes, so soft and yet so laser focused on the task at hand.  Her lips at a slight curve, not quite a smile, but still ever as content.  He watched on as she used the knife to scoop up a slice and plop it onto a plate, the berry filling spilling out of the sides.  Dahlia looked up at him, dead in the eyes.  She lifted the knife up to her mouth and licked off the red cherry goo.  

He just couldn’t look away from her, how could this small creature have this much power over him?  What did she have planned?  What was she going to do to him?  Licking that knife got his hopes up that she might slice his neck or stomach.  She usually refused to hurt him like that, despite him being an outspoken masochist.  What changed in her that made her so…… horny?

“Chop Top?  Hello?  Are all the lights on upstairs?” Dahlia tried to get his attention by waving her hands in his face.  “You’re starting to make me worried!”  The tall man blinked himself out of a trance once again, and stammered out a small response, “I-I-I’m ok.”  

She smiled into a sigh of relied, “Well thank goodness!” She picked up the plate of pie and a fork, “You gotta taste some of my delicious cherry pie!  I made it just for you!”  A small blush showed on her cheeks as her smile grew wider.  She scooped up the tip of the slice onto the fork and held it up to her lover’s mouth.  He opened his mouth and the fork slid in.  He took the bite and slowly chewed, enjoying the sweet taste of the berries.  Dahlia was still smiling like a lovestruck fool right up at him.  “If you’re not in the mood to eat right now we could always do something else.” she bobbed her head from side to side to help insinuate her sexual intentions, “If you’re in the mood?  I know I am.” She continued bobbing her head, waiting for a response.

Drayton butted between the two of them to grab two plates and the knife.  “You oughta stop that weird head shit you’re gonna snap your neck.” he shook his own head in frustration before going to the other side of her to cut up some pie for him and Bubba.  Dahlia gave a huff.  Drayton seemed to love getting between the two of them.  He didn’t exactly approve of what Chop Top and Dahlia did behind closed doors, so he pretended like he didn’t know.  Although Dahlia was sure everyone in the house knew based on how loud they’d turn the radio up certain nights.

Chop finally came to and spoke up, “Listen babes, did you- uh, do something different?  With your hair or your eyes or something?”  

“My eyes?”  She tilted her head in confusion.  How does one change their eyes, she wondered.

“I just feel like you’re different today.  Its makin me nervous!”  he admitted.   Dahlia turned on her bedroom eyes, and took a step closer to him, “I think you’re nervous because for once I want you, rather than you wanting me.”  She placed her hands on his chest, rubbing up and down sensually.

A chill went up his spine when she touched him.  Despite the shift in their usual dynamic, he was extremely turned on.  “Oh, I want you!  Don’t make no mistake about that, lil mama!”  He took her hands and wrapped them around his waist.  He rested his arms on her shoulders and began to sway from side to side.  The nerves melted away into his typical horny energy.  She giggled as she followed his rhythm.  He lowered his face down to hers and placed his forehead against hers, with a wild, toothy grin plastered on his face.  

Dahlia was still smiling like an idiot too, as she whispered, “I love you, Bobby.”   

Chop Top chuckled.  He was once again nervous, but he had a better handle on himself now for some reason. “I love you too, lil mama.”  He took a step back and grabbed her by the wrists, letting out a laugh like a deranged hyena, he started to dance to music only he could hear playing in his head.  Dahlia joined in, whipping her head around and letting her hair fly everywhere.  

Drayton and Bubba watched on from the kitchen table.  The eldest Sawyer shook his head disapprovingly, “Buncha idiots….” He turned to his littlest brother, “Bubba, don’t you ever get yourself mixed up in that bullshit.”   Bubba stayed quiet as he watched the couple dance.  All he saw was a happy couple.  He wanted to have something like that.  He wasn’t sure how or why, but it was a nice thing to want.

[queenofmyshuno]

The Factory - TS4 in the 1800s

Eula and Etta Novak grew up in a modest, middle class home with their doting and bumbling father, their mother having died giving birth to Eula. Like all good daughters, they tended to the home and their father’s comfort. But when their father died, leaving the sisters with extensive debt and no income, they found themselves in dire straights. Evicted from their house by the bank and forced to sell their possessions to pay off the rest of their debts, they ended up in an unfamiliar city on the factory steps of the Upton Manufacturing Company one early morning, penniless and petrified, on the first day of work at the first job of their lives. 

The arrangement had been hurriedly made with the company owner, Oliver Upton, by the family lawyer through an acquaintance of an acquaintance. The sisters would live and work at the factory, thus solving both problems of shelter and coin. The lawyer was all too aware of the alternatives for women in these circumstances, which were usually limited to starvation or prostitution, and thusly was pleased with himself for having provided a solution. What he was not aware of was Oliver Upton’s reputation amongst his workers.

They were terrified of him, and for good reason. Mr. Upton was a cruel and malicious man who was prone to bouts of rage. Not a day went by that he didn’t shout forbidden words at one of his workers.

On his desk, he kept a bottle of whiskey, and beside his desk, there was always a bat. He made liberal use of both. Oliver Upton was not a man whose bad side you wanted to get on.

Miss Snelling, who seemed to be in charge, quickly ushered the sisters in and assigned Etta the task of cooking breakfast for the workers. Etta had only ever cooked on her own stove before and never for so many people. Despite her best efforts (and despite the fact that I cheated her a 1 cooking skill so this wouldn’t happen), she burned the food badly...and herself, as well.

Miss Snelling informed her that there was no time to clean up before she was due on the factory floor, so she had no choice but to show up on her first day of work covered in soot. This caught the eye of Mr. Upton who was furious. “I took you and your sister in as a favor, and this is how you repay my kindness, you ungrateful, little wench?! If you think you can disrespect my workplace like this, you are mistaken, madam. I’ll be watching you. One more misstep from you, and you’re out on the street!”

Etta had never been talked to this way in her life, much less yelled at by a man, much less yelled at by a man she had never even been introduced to. Shocked, confused, and shaking, she felt the tears well up in her eyes but was determined not to cry in front of him. She, too, knew the alternative to being a factory worker, so she bottled her feelings and took the abuse.

From that point, Miss Snelling assigned Etta all the worst jobs. When all the other workers were relaxing after a full 12-hour day on the floor, Etta was washing dishes...

...or doing the laundry, or some other fatiguing task. Miss Snelling would not allow her sister, Eula, to help her, and Etta, who had always protected her little sister from the more harsh aspects of life, pretended to Eula that she was fine with all the chores, making the excuse that she welcomed the distraction as it kept her from thinking about their dear father’s passing.

And even though her back ached and her feet felt like lead, even though her hands were raw and her skin cracked from endless buckets of dishwater and laundry detergent, even though she would always be the “bad worker” in the eyes of Mr. Upton and Miss Snelling no matter how hard she worked or how hard she tried, she was grateful for the job and the bed and the roof over her head. And most of all she was grateful that her sister had food and a warm(ish) place to sleep.

Etta wasn’t sure if she was assigned all the extra work because Mr. Upton had ordered it or because Miss Snelling didn’t like her either. She suspected it was probably both. The only person Miss Snelling really seemed to like was Horace Thacker.

This was quite funny, in a not funny sort of way, because Horace Thacker was by far the laziest person Etta had ever met. He was a slow worker and  frequently sneaked away from his post to take naps. He sometimes even, somehow, fell asleep standing up.

(I did not assign this sim the lazy trait or any similar traits, but for some unknown reason, he can only work a fraction of the time as the other sims before he’s exhausted.)

Etta suspected that the only reason Horace Thacker still had a job was because Miss Snelling had the boss’ ear, and she obviously fancied Horace. On the other hand, who knows what the boss and Miss Snelling were saying about Etta during their frequent talks. 

Unlike Etta, Eula was fairing well, considering the circumstances. She was, of course, sad and missed her home and her father, but she quickly made friends with the other workers and was well like by all. That is to say, she was liked by most everyone and tolerated by Miss Snelling, which is actually saying quite a bit. Her sweet, unassuming, and optimistic demeanor helped her get along with others and cope with any situation.

And then there was Vincent. Eula was instantly moonstruck by his big, dreamy eyes (as she put it) and handsome features. She finagled her way into switching stations on the workfloor so she could be closer to his, and she almost always managed to sit near him during meal times. She looked upon him with complete adoration.

The feeling was not mutual. But Eula, in her buoyant way, figured that given enough time to get to know her, he would change his mind. She just needed to spend more time talking with him, but he was often difficult to corner.

Vincent would regularly turn in immediately after supper and retire to the men’s bunk room with his very good friend, Jake, where, presumably, they were either talking about their day or sleeping soundly.

Eula thought it was truly sweet how close they were.

One of the advantages or disadvantages to the sisters’ change in social status, depending upon whom you ask, is that they could now visit the previously dark and mysterious chambers of a drinking establishment without ruining their reputation, for when one is poor, one does not have much of a reputation to ruin. Eula reveled in his newfound freedom and embraced it with a sense of adventure. 

Etta’s exposure to this seedier element of life as a factory worker, however, was in pressing danger of taking a dark turn. With no father to guide her and no chaperone to oversee her actions, she took to drink with astonishing enthusiasm, using it to dull the pain, both physical and emotional. Where her foray into the nightlife started as a fun excursion to solve the mystery of exactly what went on in a public house, she began to obsessively think about when she would have her next outing and, more importantly, her next drink. While Eula had Vincent to dream about, Etta dreamed only of the pub.

And so her existence became an endless blur of work and drink and more work, and the only thing that kept her from throwing herself into the river behind the factory was the will to go on for her sister’s sake. 

(By the way, this is the future Factory One, the Partihaus residence in Windenburg, before it was remodeled into a contemporary residence in the late 20th century.)

[hootpoop12]

Theory time

Alright, so we all know through the context of this being written in a fanfiction/a03 format that this is all a play about canon VS fanon. What is a little hard to decipher is what are the things that are plays off fanon and which qualities are the true aspects of the characters(canon)? ANYWAY here are just a few of the things I am ASSUMING are plays off fanon based on my years in the fandom and sheer obsession of consuming this shit (trigger warning for everything taken place in the epilogue FYI):

-Dave: I think some of the main aspects of fanon influencing his epilogue version is intertwined with “woobifying”, “Slow burn”, and even possibly even “sexuality”. 

        -Woobifying is a fandom concept of reducing a character to “a cinnamon roll too pure for this world” someone you wanna baby (often applied to trans guy characters whether canon or headcanoned). This one is a bit of reach I’ll admit because it DOES makes sense that after years of living with Karkat the dude would soften up but there were times in the epilogue even Dave admits he’s gotten softer and the dude just plain out was very passive. In my time I’ve seen tons of depictions of Dave as a lot more emotional than shown in the comic or a lot more woobified in fics (like in meteor fics where he often has very dramatic emotional outbursts) By the way this is NOT me shitting on you if you like viewing Dave in that way because a lot people with trauma relate to him and use him for “cathartic release”(me fucking too lol). It’s more a guess/observation of maybe why he’s developed in this way due to the comic now being a strange sponge absorbing all fanon, good and bad, into it weird ass grasp.

        -Slow burn is likely the trope that plays into why the hell it took so fucking long for him AND Karkat to admit their feelings. If you have literally ever consumed Davekat content I’m sorry but 99% of it is slow burn lmao every meteor fic is pining, every coffee shop AU is the budding of a lifelong partnership, and every Harry potter furry inflation pwp crossover WHATEVER fic is 10k words building of sexual tension like......To bring their other relationships in canon into this we can see that Dave was able to flirt with Jade and Terezi and entered a relationship with them at a pretty normal rate WHICH can totally be attributed to the fact he views them as girls and himself as heterosexual so was much more comfortable making a move- sure. Looking at Karkat, however, and you see the dude is a little shy about romance sure but he was still able to flirt with Terezi and make awkward moves on John so like......I can’t help but to feel like something outside (us?) was influencing them?

        -Sexuality is another sort of reach but I think it’s something to consider. In terms of the comic....when exactly DID canon end? You could argue at the end of act 7.......or the moment John used his retcon powers to create a new timeline. Fandom Dave (on the tumblr side at least) was usually consider queer and a lot people shipped Dave with another dude. Perhaps John going back and rewriting canon helped bring our influence over Dave’s sexuality into the comic? I remember finding out Davekat was canon and confirming my “Dave is bisexual” headcanon and just thinking in wonder how it felt like Hussie was plucking my desires straight from my head and incorporating them. Which made me HAPPY by the way. If this is anywhere even near truth it’s not like he didn’t do a fantastical and natural job of incorporating it into the comic which shows how “incorporated fanon” is not a totally horrendous thing. The comics always done it with fandom memes and such. 

-Rose Lalonde. Not too sure what fanon influenes were brought onto her to be honest? In candy she was almost like a creepy stepford wife which is. Bizarre to me. Rose is the most contrary and rebellious character so seeing her settle down like that (OR FUCKING DOING SOME GUYS LAUNDRY) is a little strange. In meat she insists that she is an individual despite being married but that could have EASILY been Dirk’s influence? Also her biggest fandom stereotypes off the top of my head is Know-it-all smug meddler, alcoholic, and elegant. Really none of that was applied so still need to consider her more. The most damning thing however is where is all the piss?? If you look at the amount of piss kink rose fanfiction one has to wonder......and I can’t even continue this joke.

-Jade Harley: Gonna keep it real with ya’ll. I feel like this epilogue gave Jade Harley way more character. She wasn’t given much in canon except for lonely silly girl so it makes sense to me why she’d grow up desperate for physical bonds and inserting herself into relationships. I liked her telling John that she wasn’t some princess in a tower anymore cause it shows she KNOWS how everyone has always viewed her and that’s a little sad. As for tropes around her character.....yep people pleaser, silly girl, hippie, shoved aside for literally any other character......Need to think about her more, too. 

-Jake fucking English. What even is there to say? He more than anyone was influenced by fanon and it doesn’t take too much thought to see how. In a lot of fandom jokes and in fanfiction he is basically treated as a stupid piece of meat. I genuinely don’t read much fanfiction about him except from a trust few fans who I know care about him and will write him in a full rounded way. In any case we see a single moment in which Jake has this oppressive narrative taken away from him and it was when he was talking to Dave and Karkat during their election conversation. If that wasn’t already hard enough to read we can look back at the implied rape that took place with him in the beginning of Jane’s relationship with him or over the course of it. John, the one person supposedly not influenced by fanon as he’s still tied to the comic via retcon powers, is even the one to tell people that Jake is basically being raped. So yeah. Good times. I’ll get to Dirk in terms of Jake in a moment L M A O. Imagine that being the saddest lmao you ever just read.

-Jane Crocker: Welp hope you weren't a Jane fan lmao. What can I say except it FEELS like all the subliminal messaging really got to her and she’s like......warped by the condesce? I think if in the comic they showed more of her political takes then maybe this wouldn’t have come as such a shock. Like, I flat out am disgusted by her character now? She’s a facist, abusive, rapist(that was hint, unfortunately)? WOW good take homestuck writting staff?? I mean I know one of you used to write like incest pedo rape porn but aight??????????? Anyways in fanon Jane is treated as the girl who gets in the way of dirkjake so kinda that early 2000s bitchy yaoi girl brand, boring person in the background, or the hottie. They obviously kept saying she was “easy on the eyes” so there���s the hottie trope but that’s about it.

-Roxy Lalonde: Out of ALL the Alphas they fucking escaped with their goddamn dignity PFFT. So in terms of tropes: trans Roxy, alcoholic, and flirty “boy obsessed”. 

        -So with trans Roxy this is like Dave’s sexuality thing I discussed where a widely celebrated headcanon influenced canon and that not necessarily a BAD thing. Like I said, this theory is that canon is just absorbing fanon for better and for worse. I saw people were bummed they weren’t a trans girl but I am actually down with this for two reasons. 1) being all those memes “what’s your gender?” “the void” and 2) a part being friends with someone who’s trans is.....not being used to seeing them as the gender they actually are but taking the time to learn these new unfamiliar pronouns- and get the fuck over it. It’s their choice and you just gotta accept it despite your feelings. 

        -alcoholic Roxy was not at all incorporated which is the biggest fanon about her (not as much in recent years thankfully) so honestly? Kinda diminishes my argument. It’s not like the writers were worried that tossing out their progress as person was bad writing lol look at Dirk.

        -Flirty Rox. In candy they were SUPER fast moving in their relationship with John and despite towards the end they said that Dirk dying made them wanna do something with their life I just....don’t buy it? Mainly because john who is uninfluenced by the fanon tropes even noticed how fast they were moving and how stepford agreeable wife she’d become. 

-Dirk Strider. Aight. So. Here we go. fandom tropes are controlling puppet master, abusive, and cold/uncaring.

        -Dirk is a naturally controlling man, yes. Every version of himself struggles with this, yes. Even if we work on issues does not mean old flaws will never leak out, yes. However, after in the comic itself we see conversations with some of his closest companions and the effort he was making and ready to continue making was completely obliterated. Dirk is someone who takes his projects a little too seriously so why would he toss out this one- the most important one in his life? ANYWAY........Dirk in canon is shown that he’s also not great at multi-tasking or really anything that he really makes himself out to be AMAZING at. Don’t get me wrong I actually view Dirk as a complement dude cause he did get all the alphas into the session in a smoothish fashion (yes hal is him so it still counts) but, like, even when Dirk sounds like an AWESOME engineer to Jake he even admits that he basically had the future’s technology to help and it wasn’t that impressive. So now he’s claiming he’s the BEST? Wack.

        -Abusive Dirk......The sheer amount of people in the fandom who still misconstrue his character as heartless and the sheer amount of fanfiction of sociopathic Dirk might’ve done something. If he is truly becoming his “ultimate self” and he is heart aspect.....all these fanfiction splinters are getting applied to him as well, ya’ll. INCLUDING one of the epilogues writers who literally used to write fanfiction depicting Dirk as a brutally abusive and manipulative version of himself. With the similarities between their big fic and the homestuck epilogue I can’t help but to wonder if they’re subtly trying to incorporate that? After all Alt Calliope goes into detail about how the writer/narrator is IMPORTANT and when one is someone who enjoys viewing dirk as such....well who’s to say pfft Everything about how Dirk treated Jake was some of the most shocking to me. How did you get the guy taking most of the blame for a relationship gone wrong to a man who in a very rapey way makes someone obsessed with him, stupid, and unable to ever receive respect? Horrifying stuff to read, lads. It makes much more sense to me if you look at this fandom’s perceptions on DirkJake. My god there are some bad takes and there’s a whole section of the fandom who was hellbent on making the ship out to be the most problematic ship to ever occur. So whereas in the comic you have Dave pointing out that both sides had issues and everyone was willing to talk things out you had half the fandom insist that it was all Dirk’s fault and he just COMPLETLY forced himself on an unwanting Jake. Yep, sound familiar?

        -cold uncaring. yep tons of depictions of Dirk being cruel to his friends and family and sorry but go reread Homestuck I don’t even know what to tell you if you actually believe that. There’s literally nothing here I could write to help you. As if the whole thing about his character isn’t about how the people around him helped prevent him becoming like that and he hasn’t said in a dozen different ways how much he loves them and wants to treat them better. Get out of here with that shit lmao 

I guess all can be said about Dirk at this point is either 1) the absorption of the vast amount of terrible Dirk depictions from ascending to his ult self has warped him 2) he’s playing a villain just because Homestuck being over means not existing which TERRIFIES him and existing is a higher priority than treating the people around him right or 3) caliborn influence

        1) For the ascending I’m pretty sure this is the theory that’s gonna be right

        2) playing the villain is probably not what it is because on twitter all of the writers are saying the transphobia is literally just him and they’re boosting a lot of theories say “this is a story about friends you love disappointing you and you moving on” So. Yeah. Take that depressing nugget of information. (I literally will be fucking dead inside if that really is where this story is taken. No joke I will probably quit this fandom lol don’t know if any of you really know how big that is for me to say

        3) Caliborn? eh maybe who the fuck knows after typing that last bullet point out I’m too bummed to continue this hah

[the-chubbiest-dumpling]

Bad Day

Summary: You asked Sebastian to go over some lines with you, but you don’t show up at the designated meeting place. When he finds you unable to get out of bed, he takes it upon himself to brighten up your day.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Reader

Word Count: 6650

Warnings: Swearing. Crying. Vulnerability.

You’ve known Sebastian for a while now.

You first worked with him in The Covenant, starring as one of the main protagonists, Sarah Wenham. Though you two didn’t interact much in the film, you got the chance to work closer with him on the show Kings as the role of his sister, Michelle Benjamin. From the beginning you could tell he was a very serious actor that loved what he did. You heard that he got the role of Chase Collins by videotaping himself in his kitchen, performing the scene where he goes to the Dean’s office to speak with him. You, on the other hand, auditioned in person like a bunch of other girls, and eventually got the role. Sebastian got the job on the spot. And when you worked with him on both projects, you were blown away by his acting, and his kindness.

You developed feelings for him in no time.

The third time you worked together was on the set of Gossip Girl. You managed to land the main role of Serena van der Woodsen, the lead protagonist, while he Carter Baizen. You were both happy to see each other, and caught up during set breaks and off-set as well. You were also super excited to find out that he’d be playing your boyfriend for some time, and to be able to kiss him. You really hoped that he couldn’t tell how happy you were about it, though you were bashful at times when you knew he couldn’t see you. He was overjoyed to be working with you again, and expressed it the very day he arrived on set, with a giant hug.

That smile will always punch you in the gut.

Over the years, you continued to send your congratulations of his achievements via text after exchanging numbers. From landing the role of Bucky Barnes in the MCU, to T.J. Hammond in Political Animals, to his iconic role of Lance Tucker in The Bronze (to which you couldn’t stop laughing), and to his most recent role of Jeff Gillooly in I, Tonya. You always complimented his acting abilities, especially when it came to expressing emotions in a subtle way. He paid the compliments back with some of his own, his favourite being how you go in and out of a role so fluently. And how your ridiculous shenanigans on set made him laugh.

Seeing him grow up and being able to even know him has been a privilege. You have no idea how he’s him. He’s so caring and generous and kind and funny and heart-warming and so incredibly talented. And handsome, of course. Can’t leave that bit out. You have different work schedules, so you don’t see him as often as you’d like, but you still text from time to time.

This is one of those times.

Two days prior, you had asked him to go over some lines with you. You had gotten your script a week ago, and reading them by yourself at home just wasn’t cutting it. It was lacklustre compared to doing it with your co-star and director present. And since neither of them were available to help you, you called up Sebastian and asked for his help. He readily agreed, and promised to meet you at a private coffee shop in the city to go over them with you. Today is the day you two confirmed to meet, at the designated time and place, but you’re not there.

In fact, you’re not even awake.

Your week began slow and steady, with an overall jaded mood. You didn’t know what was dragging you down. You felt fine for the most part, but as the week progressed, your mood decreased and you became agitated and stressed. You ate less, and became exasperated from doing simple tasks, like cleaning and doing laundry. You just didn’t have the energy for it.

It’s just one of those days, you had told yourself. But it felt like more than just having a crappy day.

Today just happens to be the worst of it.

You first woke up at nine o’clock in the morning after going to sleep at three the previous night. That was a regular thing for you: going to bed especially late and waking up in the afternoon. You got up to go to the bathroom, got something to drink, then went straight back to sleep. The next time you woke up was at two in the afternoon. The room was darkened as much as possible, but the sun still shone through your blinds annoyingly. You looked at the time, and sighed. You didn’t know what was wrong. You just didn’t want to do anything today. The only thing you were willing to do was sleep.

And sleep you did.

You manage to fall asleep for another two hours before waking up in a haze. You thought you had slept right into the next day, but it was only four in the afternoon. Even opening your eyes feels like a task you cannot complete. They burn from sleeping so much, and from rubbing them every so often. You stretch your arms and legs, but otherwise stay curled up in your nice, comfy, warm blankets.

However, you decide it’s finally time to wake up. But not get out of bed. You unplug your phone from the charger, and instantly groan from seeing all your notifications. Your phone was on silent the entire time, so you heard none of the phone calls, nor the worried texts that Sebastian made. You feel incredibly guilty for making him worry, but one look at his texts throws it out the window.

He’s on his way over.

Like, right now.

The most recent text was made thirty minutes ago, approximately the amount of time it takes to get from the coffee shop to your apartment. You grunt in frustration and drop your phone down beside you, and wipe your hands down your face.

“God damn it,” you hiss.

Sometimes you hate how worrisome he can be.

You live on the thirteenth floor of a twenty-story complex, giving you no time to clean up before Sebastian walks through the door. Your place is a mess, with dishes in the sink, clothes strewn on the floor, leftovers discarded on the counter, and abandoned laundry baskets left by the washing machine. You’re usually not such a slob, but these past few days have taken a toll on your mind. Since nobody really visits, there wasn’t much reason to do any of those chores. But now that Sebastian is on his way, you wish you could’ve just gotten off your ass and done it when it needed to be done.

Sighing angrily, you grip the sheets and pull them up to your chin, tuck your knees up, then close your eyes once more. You’re not going back to sleep, but a little eye rest will do you good before facing Sebastian. Seeing your messy apartment is one thing, but seeing you trapped in your bed and unwilling to get up is even more embarrassing. You have no idea what to say to him when he walks through the door.

Shit.

For reasons unknown, you left your door unlocked last night, which is completely out of character for you. You don’t live in a sketchy part of town, and you have nice neighbours, so there’s no real threat, but you’re nothing if not careful. Your carelessness scares you a little.

And no more than five minutes later, you hear a knock at the door, and the familiar, smooth voice you’ve come to love.

“_______?” Sebastian calls. “You in there?”

Even if you did raise your voice to confirm your presence, he probably wouldn’t even hear you. And let’s not forget the fact that you don’t even want him to be here. Well, be here and see you in this state. You’d rather him not see just how horrible of a week you’re having.

“_______?” he knocks again. When he doesn’t hear an answer, he grabs the doorknob. “I’m coming in.”

You hear the door click open, then pretend to be asleep in hopes that he’ll go away. But you know that won’t happen.

Sebastian haphazardly steps through your apartment, and takes note of how unkempt it is compared to his previous visits. He seemingly notices every little thing that’s wrong. It doesn’t feel right to him. He knows you like to keep your place neat and tidy for your own sake and that of visitors. He’s seen it a little bit messy, but not this much. There’s a certain smell to the air (that you’re the least bit proud of), and he finds the source in the kitchen. Dirty dishes and leftovers sitting on the counter. He puts his hands on his hips and pulls his lips to the side.

This doesn’t feel right.

“_______?” he calls out again, heading for your bedroom. The door is closed, so he quietly pries it open and peeks inside. It’s dark, but light enough for him to see you laying there, perfectly still, your shoulder moving the sheets up and down in time with your breathing. He says your name quieter this time, but you don’t give him a response. You bite your bottom lip and pray for him to go away, but he only comes closer.

“Hey,” he whispers, gently shoving your shoulder. He kneels down as you turn over on your side, with your eyes still closed. Knowing that you can’t keep up the charade anymore, you slowly open your eyes, and see his concerned eyes staring into you.

At first you act confused as to why he’s just waltzed into your apartment uninvited, but decide that that’s not the best route to go. You don’t want to yell at him; in fact, you don’t want to speak to him at all. It’s too taxing. So instead, you blink several times to get the sleep out of your eyes, and clutch the blankets.

“Are you feeling alright?” he asks, tilting his head. “You didn’t meet me today. I called you and sent some texts, but you never answered. Are you sick?”

Mentally, yes.

You shift your eyes to the left, avoiding his gaze. You have no idea what to say. You’re not just about to start blubbering about every little thing that’s wrong. Letting Sebastian see into your mind and how fucked up it is is not how you want this visit to go. So, being a “physical speaker”, you speak to him with your body.

You shrug your shoulders, and dart your eyes all over the floorboards when you can see his worried expression from your peripherals.

“Did something happen?” he asks, wanting to get to the bottom of this. He’s not mad that you didn’t meet up with him; he just wants to know if you’re okay.

You shake your head no, so he thinks of another reason why you’re laying in bed at four in the afternoon.

He goes the logical route.

“Bad day?”

You nod once, then pull the covers up higher to shield your mouth and nose. But the eyes are one of the biggest dead giveaways when you’re trying to hide the pain behind them.

“Have you eaten today?”

You shake your head.

“You need to eat something, _______,” he says gently. “Come on. I’ll make you something.”

He stands up and begs you to come with him, but you stay huddled up in your blanket cocoon. On a much better day you’d gladly sit in the kitchen and watch him cook you something to eat. But your mind and body is just not having it. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he really wants to see you get out of that bed. But you can’t. You just can’t do it.

Sighing, Sebastian comes back and crouches down beside you.

“I know it’s hard,” he starts softly. You dare to look him in the eyes. And when you do, you can’t look away. “I know that it feels like a chore to get up and walk, to eat, and to even speak. And that’s okay. But you can’t neglect yourself, _______. Otherwise you’re just going to be even more miserable than you already are. It might be a shitty time, but it’ll pass. Sometimes not as quick as you want it to be, and not always in the way you want, but with the right amount of care and patience, it’ll be alright in the end. So please, for me, can you come with me?”

He’s being so sweet and sincere, and here you are, being an asshole by not meeting him and making him come all the way to your place for nothing. You feel like he’s wasting his time by trying to get you to stand up and eat and probably shower. He hasn’t said it, but you know he can smell it. You’re so embarrassed by everything that you have to stop yourself from crying. You blink rapidly, and from being this close to him, Sebastian definitely notices.

“Listen,” he says. “I’m gonna draw you a bath. Make sure to use it before it gets cold.” He chuckles, which in turn makes you smile the tiniest bit. “While you do that, I���ll make you some late lunch. Okay?”

You can’t refuse him, so you nod. He nods back, then stands up again and takes his leave, keeping the door open. You hear him turn on the water, and even plugging the drain. You hate, but love that he’s doing this. It really means something when you know that someone genuinely cares. And that fact is enough to make you emotional.

You stretch once more, but still don’t have the strength to toss the blankets away. It’s too warm, and you’re too comfortable. But having a bath is probably–definitely–what you need. You trust that the bath will be warm, so closing your eyes tightly, you kick your covers to the end of the bed, and shudder from being exposed to the chilly air. Step One done. Now comes the hard part.

Getting out of bed.

Slowly, but surely, you drag one of your legs closer to the edge of the bed before letting it fall to the floor. You do the same with the other, and soon enough, you’re halfway there. But then you stop.

That’s enough progress for one day.

You’re stuck in that position for a minute before Sebastian comes back to retrieve you. When he sees half your body hanging off the bed, he has to smile. You look so ridiculous, but he has to be somewhat serious about it. He’s here to make you feel better, not make fun.

“Come on,” he says, walking up to you. “You’re almost there. You can make it.”

He brings his hands forward and grasps yours. You squeeze loosely, but no matter the grip, Sebastian pulls you to your feet. You stand upright instead of just falling back on your bed, for his sake. He really is trying to help, so you might as well comply to his efforts.

He keeps hold of one of your hands as he brings you into the bathroom, your bath drawn and ready. He even dropped in one of your bath bombs to make it seem more inviting. There’s even a towel set aside, as well.

“You stay in here as long as you need,” he says. “And when you’re done, I’ll have something ready for you to eat when you come back out. Sound good?”

You still can’t find your voice, so you just nod again. Sebastian doesn’t mind. He does hope that he’ll hear your voice at least once during this time with you. But for now, he’ll leave you be.

“And promise that you won’t fall asleep again?”

You nod.

“Thank you.”

He gives a quick kiss to your head before closing the door behind him to tend to his other duties. You allow yourself a small smile, because his beard tickled your forehead. You look down, and stare longingly at the bluish-green bathtub. You might as well. It’ll be good for your body, and for your mind. And to settle some of Sebastian’s nerves.

You strip down and gingerly step into the tub, sighing loudly as soon as you submerge yourself in the warm water. The bath bomb is Lush’s The Big Sleep, which gives off a calming, woodsy lavender scent. Lavender is an herb that aids in sleeping, but you don’t plan on sleeping any time soon. Not while Sebastian is still here.

You soak yourself for about half an hour. During that time, you periodically heard Sebastian rummaging around in your kitchen. Cooking or cleaning, you don’t know. But just being able to hear him in your home is enough to keep you at ease. Better him than anyone else, in fact. He hasn’t judged you for anything. Not the state of your apartment, nor yourself. He’s completely understanding, and knows where you’re coming from. It saddens you to think that Sebastian might have had days where he didn’t want to do anything either, and that’s why he can relate.

You’re definitely going to pay back the favour if that moment ever presents itself.

After thirty more minutes, the water has gone cold, and you’ve had a thorough rinsing. You dip your head under once more before standing up and wrapping yourself in the towel Sebastian laid out for you. You sadly unplug the drain and watch the colourful water disappear until it’s all gone.

You honestly feel better after that, and even feel more awake.

You smell something mouth-watering from the kitchen. Whatever Sebastian’s making, even if you don’t like it, you’re going to shove it down your throat because he took the time and energy to do so. You squeeze the water from your hair and shake it, then firmly tuck in the end of the towel and quietly emerge from the bathroom.

You peek behind the wall, and see him making something in a pan. His jacket hangs on one of the bar stools, and he’s removed his shoes as well. He’s made himself at home, to which you don’t mind at all. It’s refreshing to see him do common, everyday things. Not wanting to disturb him or draw attention to yourself, to skip back to your room and kick the door shut. Sebastian manages to catch a glimpse of your back before you disappear behind your door, making him smile.

You take your time getting changed, even though you eventually settle on wearing sweats and a plain grey V-neck. You put your hair up to dry, squeezing out the last of the droplets and discarding the towel on the floor. You look at yourself in the mirror, pulling your lips to the side. You’re feeling better, but you don’t know if you’re in the mood to talk yet. Perhaps an affirmative grunt or a sigh or maybe even a laugh. Either way, you’ll know when you join Sebastian in the kitchen.

You decide to throw on a hoodie before leaving your bedroom again. You tiptoe into the kitchen, and muster a weak smile when Sebastian looks up and smiles at you. You sit down on a bar stool and cross your arms on the counter, setting your chin on top of them.

“Better?” he asks.

“Mmm,” you hum quietly. It seems he spent most of his time cleaning up, since the floors and counters have been cleared off, and all the dishes have been done. It’s extremely inconvenient to not have a dishwasher, but one of these days you’ll buy one. For now, you’re your own dishwasher.

You cast your eyes downward, avoiding any kind of visual contact with him. You love looking at him, but not when you’re feeling so awful. He takes notice of your crestfallen expression, and hopes to god that the tips he looked up about what to do when your friend is depressed alleviates some of your pain.

“I’m making chicken and shrimp stir fry,” he says after a moment of silence, showing you the pan. “I hope you like it.”

You glance up at the pan, then to his eyes, then back down at the counter. His expression falls a bit from your lack of reaction, but he’s not going to stop trying. Baby steps is better than trying to push everything on you all at once. Small chit-chat is fine with him; just as long as he can get the message across that he’s here for you.

He throws in some teriyaki sauce into the pan, mixes it around a little, then turns off the stove and begins plating. You hate it being so quiet, but you have nothing to say to him. You would if you could think of something intelligent or funny, but your feel as if your mood has gotten worse. Despite the bath waking you up, your mind is not at ease. It has its good days, but today is one of the foulest ones.

While you’re lost in thought, Sebastian places your plate in front of you, setting a fork down beside it. The clank of glass to marble makes you jolt upright in a fright. It really worries Sebastian when you seem jumpy; and he hopes it’s not for the reason he’s thinking of.

“C’mere,” he says, picking up his plate. “Let’s sit over there.”

He motions to your Lovesac–The Big One–by the window. You peer over your shoulder at it, then back to him. He’s smiling that soft, sweet smile. The one you can never resist. You know you’ll love sitting beside him on a big fluffy bean bag chair and eating food he made for you, so you gather your plate and fork and follow him to the chair. You sit down first, and balance your plate on your leg as Sebastian carefully sits down next to you. You can’t even look at him, not even when he’s this close to you. Then again, when the proximity is nearly face-to-face, it’s hard not to feel just the slightest bit uncomfortable.

You eat in silence, as both of you expected. Sebastian is incredibly patient, as he’s always been. And very observant. How slow you eat, how quiet you are, how you’re not willing to even glimpse at him; he doesn’t want to be hurt by the fact you don’t trust him enough to talk about whatever is bringing you down, but he knows it’s not that easy. It’s much more complex than that.

After finishing his lunch, he gets up to wash his plate and put it back in the cupboard. When he turns around, you’ve finished as well, so he takes it upon himself to do the same. He takes your plate, washes it, then stores it before flopping down next to you again. You tuck your knees up higher, and play with the end of your sleeves. Sebastian supports his cheek in his palm, and stares down at you sadly. He has no idea if one of his “accidental pep talks” would help you any, but he’s going to try anyhow. It pains him to see you not smiling; and if he can get you to smile genuinely before he leaves, then his job is done.

“I’m here for you, _______, I hope you know that,” he begins softly. He knows you’re listening when you stop playing with your sweater. “Good day, bad day, doesn’t matter. Whatever you want, or need to talk about. I’m here for ya, okay? You don’t have to say anything, and that’s perfectly okay. I just want you to know that you’re not alone in this. You can trust me.”

Your eyes well up with tears when he starts being sentimental. You’re not used to hearing these sort things in real life. In movies mostly, some you even acted out yourself. And even then it was difficult to hear. You don’t know why you can’t just accept help when it’s being offered to you. But you’ve managed to come up with a handful of reasons:

1. You don’t want help unless it’s too late 2. You don’t look/seem mentally ill enough to be offered help 3. You like the attention because you felt unimportant/left out by many people in your life in the past and present, but don’t take the advice 4. You think you don’t deserve it

The main reason is probably–

All of them.

You know how incredibly honest and kind Sebastian is, and you truly appreciate those aspects of his personality. But when the person you’re pining for says those things to you while you’re extremely vulnerable is a nightmare. You never wanted him to see this side of you. Others have, but you’d be damned if he ever saw it. And now, after years of knowing each other and working together, it has finally come to light.

The tears slide down your cheeks, and you hastily wipe them away. Your lip quivers, so you bite down hardly on it. Sebastian wraps his arm around you when you begin to become distraught. He feels bad for making you cry, but he had to let you know. Assuring someone that you’re there for them is one of the most important things someone can do for another. And Sebastian always makes sure that he’s there for the people he cares about.

He’s about to begin another tangent, but you cut him off.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” you confess, your voice thick. You keep wiping your eyes as you speak, as the tears just keep on coming. “I felt fine at the beginning of the week. I was feeling great, even. And then I just… didn’t. I dunno if it was the people or my surroundings or what I had to do or I was anxious about everything and nothing or it was everything at once. All I know is that I just got so fucking tired and lost all my energy and motivation. I didn’t wanna get up, didn’t wanna do anything productive, and apparently, didn’t wanna go over my fucking lines with you. I’m so shitty that I couldn’t even text you back when I woke up the second time, or at all. And I was being rude to you earlier by not answering you.

Everything is just so overwhelming all of a sudden and I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself! My friend almost died the other day and I forgot to pay my rent and I don’t know if I did the right thing with agreeing to be on this new show and I’m going to fucking explode because it seems like life suddenly hates me! I try to put on a good front and wait until I’m by myself to just fucking cry about it, but it’s getting harder and harder to hide it and I’m scared that no one will shut up about this side of me!”

Your throat completely closes up so you can’t speak anymore. You’re a sobbing mess now, and shove your face in your hands so you can cry your heart out without him seeing. The sound of you squealing from crying so hard breaks his heart. He pulls you to his chest and rubs your arm as he attempts to comfort you.

“A lot of life is a struggle, _______,” he begins. “We just don’t see it all the time because our eyes are always trained to look for ‘happy things’, but life is always a struggle with beautiful moments in-between. We have to keep going. That’s all there is. And most of those beautiful moments, at the end of the day, are pretty simple. Good company with people that get you. Or being proud of a goal maybe you set for yourself. Anxiety is just part of our past. It’s always gonna be there as long as we are human because a long time ago it protected us. But now it’s like having an old alarm clock that still goes off even though you may not need it anymore. But everyone has it. Go forth, go forward. Take a few breaths and onwards we go. There’s nothing more heroic in the world than that.”

This time, his pep-talk isn’t accidental. He becomes the most heart-felt person when he sees a friend in some kind of peril. Despite that, he hasn’t had the chance to do it in person most of the time. A lot of the time has been on Instagram, and small snippets during interviews. He’s hugged a fan or two at a Con where they couldn't get through a question for him, but he never had enough time to hear a full-length explanation about why they’re having a bad day. Doing this with you right now it making him feel all sorts of things: pride, empathy, determination, love… he really wants to get through to you, and help you see the bright side on things.

But again, he knows–amongst other things–that not every person wants to feel happy during a time of great vulnerability. Preaching to you won’t help you any if you won’t take his advice. Do or don’t, Sebastian will still be there.

He physically feels you calm down, and hears that you’re full-blown sobbing has dwindled down to sniffling and light crying. You’re definitely not ready to talk yet, so Sebastian keeps ranting in what he hopes is the best way possible.

“And you know what? No matter what just be yourself. That’s it. Just be you. Whatever you feel walking into the room you feel. That’s your truth. Don’t deny it. Don’t fight it. If you’re nervous, you’re nervous. If you’re scared, you’re scared. Don’t try to change how you feel on the day. Embrace it. Mike Nichols said ‘bring your day to the stage’, meaning you bring what you’re going through that day to the work. Even if you’re nervous once you embrace it and go ‘this is me right now and that’s that; they don’t like it, well then, they don’t like honesty’ then you will relax into it. We spend too much time bullying ourselves trying to be other things. Be who you are. Own it. It’s okay to give yourself some love once in a while. Be kind to yourself as you would be to a friend in need.”

What you honestly can’t believe is all the sap that’s coming out of his mouth. You know he can be incredibly encouraging sometimes but this is just… wow. You didn’t know know that people could be capable of such perception and understanding. It blows you away, actually, that Sebastian took the time to say all of that to you in hopes that it would make you feel better. You appreciate his efforts. You manage to stop crying completely and just sniffle. Your throat is raw, and you’re sure you’ll need some Vics and pain killers, but you feel ten times better after having a big cry. Your head hurts a little, but other than that and your throat, you feel okay.

“You’re pretty fucking unpredictable, you know that?” you chuckle, wiping your eyes. You finally relax after being so tense, and avoid looking him in the eyes still. You’re not ready for that just yet. He smiles down at you, happy that he got something out of you.

“I try,” he laughs. He continues to rub your arm, and patiently waits for you to give him some sort of recognition to his words, but when he doesn’t get it, he decides to throw in another point.

“I have a therapist,” he says, which seems to grab your attention. You glance up at him once before staring back at his legs. “You can see him if you want. Or I could help you find one, if you’d like. I don't wanna shove this down your throat, but my offer will always stand.”

“I see,” you say. “…now I know where you get all your astounding advice from.”

“Yeah,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I get a lot of good guidance from him, but I throw in my own thoughts and opinions as well. Whenever I see people going through a bad time, I can’t help but just reach out to them and see if I’ll be of any use. And it makes me feel great about myself when I find out that I am. Making a difference in people’s lives is something that I’ve always wanted to do. And it’s very fulfilling to know that I am.”

Finally, you have the strength to sit up and face him. You wipe your eyes once more before looking into his eyes.

Bad mistake.

He’s got a mix of puppy-dog eyes and smiling like you’re the most important thing in the world. You’ve lost your voice, and your thoughts are scattered, but after clearing your throat and looking away from him, you manage to think of a response.

“I, uh. Um. T-Thank you for um. A-All of that. I don’t know what to say other than that I’ll… think about it.”

“That’s quite okay with me,” he smiles. “But can you promise me something?”

“I guess…”

“When you’re having a bad day, like today, will you come talk to me about it? You can text me, call me, meet in person. It doesn’t matter to me. I’ll always be around. And I promise you that you won’t be inconveniencing me. Above all else, taking care of yourself comes first. Say you have an illness and cannot come in. You matter, _______. And you hurt yourself by neglecting your health. So please, please, talk to me when you need to.”

You can’t push him away when he’s being this sincere. But you don’t want to push him away anyhow. How can you? You love him to death; closing him out of your life would benefit neither of you. Smiling, you nod your head.

“Okay,” you agree. “I will. Thanks, again. I–I can’t–“

You cut yourself off because you begin cry-laughing. You rub your eyes and laugh to shake off the new feeling inside you. Sebastian smiles widely when he finally hears the laugh he’s been waiting to hear. You look away from being embarrassed, but Sebastian just grabs hold of you and squeezes you into a giant hug. You squeal happily this time and hide your face again because he’s being so adorable.

“Sebastiaaan!” you whine.

His arms are so strong.

He loosens his grip, causing you to go lay across his lap. You nuzzle your face in the soft warmth of your Lovesac, then peek over your shoulder. He has his head back, and is giving you the biggest, toothiest grin. You can’t help but smile back just as widely.

God I love him.

You shift around so you’re sitting with your legs in his lap. You cross your arms and lay your head to the side. The way you look at him is like he’s the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. And he is, he really is. Your eyes become heavy, but you blink rapidly to keep them open.

“I’m okay,” you say before he gets the chance to poke fun at you. “I’m awake. I’m alright.”

“Nah, I wasn’t gonna say anything like that,” he says.

“Then what?”

“You look cute when you’re cozy.”

You smush your face into the fur and pull your hood over your head to hide your flushed cheeks. He grins proudly to himself and pats your legs to get your attention. You don’t want to look, but you pull your hood to the side slightly.

“What if I stay here for the night, hmm?” he suggests. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m a lover of pizza and movies.”

You pull your hood away and cock your head to the side. He’s serious? He sounds serious. And he wouldn’t be smiling like that if he wasn’t. Biting your lip, you knit your brows together as you think. He’s just cleaned your apartment, made you some late lunch, and boosted some confidence in yourself. Plus, he made the trip all the way to the coffee shop, then to your apartment. It’d be rude to kick him to the curb. You smile softly at him.

“Alright,” you say. “You can stay.”

“Sounds good.”

For the entirety of the night, Sebastian is nothing but a bundle of laughs. When you can, you stare at him for as long as possible. You’ve fallen in love with every part of him; his face, his personality, his charm, his talents, his inspiration. From the first time you met, you already lost to him. Everything about him is so inviting and appealing; no one would be able to resist him. And as far as you know, no one has.

He’s still his useful, goofy self, and takes every opportunity to make you laugh. Making fun of the movie, telling a joke, eating his food weirdly, and even a funny story he has about his own personal life and things of the past. Anything to see you having a good time. Everyone has their bad days, and sometimes they need them, but Sebastian decided to cut that short. If he’s crossed a line and you actually wanted to be alone, then he’ll apologize profusely and leave right after. But so far, you’ve given no indication of that desire.

As the night comes to a close and you begin yawning and rubbing your eyes, Sebastian begins to turn everything off. He stores the leftover pizza in your microwave and helps you to your feet. But before you go to bed, you turn to face him.

“I really appreciate this, Sebastian,” you say. “I honestly didn’t mean to get that upset, but it just washed over me. So… thank you, once again, for making me feel better. I know it’s not exactly what you wanted to do today, and I’m sorry for that but… it means a lot to me. What you said. And I still can’t thank you enough for–“

Sebastian cuts you off by pulling you in for a hug. You’re a little dumbfounded at first, but you quickly relax into his embrace and wrap your arms around him. He strokes your hair and rubs your back while gently swaying back and forth.

“That’s enough of that, _______,” he says. “I’m always here for you, remember? For the good and the bad. I’ll be here.”

“Thank you,” you mumble into his chest. You close your eyes and breathe him in, smiling all the while. The hug lasts for a relatively long time, but it still feels too early when you pull away from each other. You both smile, and he ruffles your hair before sending you off to bed.

“Want me to be an alarm?” he asks as you walk away.

You stop as you grab the doorknob and look over your shoulder.

“I’ll be fine,” you say. “Feel free to use the big ass bean bag chair as a bed. But I have a guest room if you’d prefer that.”

“I think I’ll take my chances with the chair,” he confesses. “But thanks anyway.”

“Alrighty, then. Goodnight, Sebastian.”

“Goodnight, _______.”

The moment you enter your room and close the door, Sebastian waltzes over to the Lovesac and grabs a blanket from the couch. He steps out of his pants and jumps down on the chair, pulling the blanket close.

He feels so euphoric from being able to get your mind off things, and he wants to feel that way more often. He stares longingly at your bedroom door, and whispers a personal goodnight of his own before falling asleep.

[hvaderforskellenpmindfulnessogme]

mindfulness gravid

Recently I have been reading about mindfulness, the act of stopping and also taking note of the here and now. Throughout the act of quiting, we quit thinking, forgetfulness and also the strong feelings that rule us. When we are exercising mindful breathing, eating, walking, packing the dish washer, driving our cars and truck, grocery store buying etc. we are touching deeply today minute as well as appreciating the well being that is currently existing in our everyday lives.

Generally when I do any of these tasks I'm typically thinking about something that occurred in the past or intending the future, absolutely not about what I am in fact doing or even where I am most of the time. How many times have I driven nearly all the means to function and wondered how I got there! What took place to the last couple of miles of roadway?

There I was, on a great summer season morning, sitting on the actions of my front porch, mindfully consuming my breakfast. I did ask yourself if consuming mindfully would make me feel a lot more complete after a dish however rather of dwelling on that idea which would certainly have led me on the equine of no return, I just went back to my grain and the blueberries. "I am folding laundry, be conscious of it", I responded as well as brought myself back to the job at hand.

Throughout the day I practiced conscious strolling, driving and paying attention. Each task, also if it was just mindful breathing, came to be the most crucial task in my life at that moment.

Living mindfully recommends that it is appropriate in front of us every day in our normal lives. Perhaps it is a blue skies on a summer day, a blossom that flowered over night in your yard, the audio of your youngsters's voices. Pay focus to the currently, practice living mindfully and locate the pleasure that is right in front of you everyday.

Mindfulness is best called moment-by-moment recognition. There are 4 measurements of mindful moments. They are (1) present focused, (2) non-judgmental, (3) non-verbal, as well as (4) non-conceptual.

Mindful moments always focus on the existing, never ever the past or the future. Conscious minutes are not assuming minutes where you attempt to figure something out or judge it. Conscious moments are non-conceptual since during them you just note the incident of something and accept it for what it is.

Informal mindfulness training revolves around the application of mindful actions into daily experience. Informal mindfulness training entails learning exactly how to devote your full focus to every task you are engaged in. There are two dimensions of casual mindfulness training; (1) ending up being much more conscious of your inner environment (thoughts, sensations, psychological images), and (2) becoming much more familiar with your external environment (habits and also prompt physical surroundings).

Being more mindful of the points going on in your interior atmosphere is different from judging or examining them. When you are really conscious of your ideas you discover them without judgment. A crucial to doing this is comprehending when our ideas are not valuable because they are actually judgments and also examinations rather of observations concerning the existing moment.

Becoming extra familiar with your external atmosphere focuses on enhancing your awareness of your behavior as well as what's going on in your immediate physical surroundings as you take part in this habits.

Conscious eating is often made use of as a kind of exterior mindfulness training. It concentrates on your consuming habits as well as the context in which it takes place, your prompt physical atmosphere. Conscious consuming is typically instructed to people with consuming disorders to assist them come to be more mindful of their eating behavior. When you practice mindful eating you http://edition.cnn.com/search/?text=mindfulness sit silently at a table gradually grab small pieces of food with your utensils, slowly raise the food off your plate and also bring it to your mouth, and also take slow bites chewing completely. For those participated in the technique, they experience consuming like never ever previously. They are taught to pay attention to the presentation of the food prior to consuming it-the shade, form, positioning, fragrances, and so on. They start to admire points like exactly how the fingers, hands, as well as arms operate in consort with their mind to choose the food up as well as bring it into the mouth, the procedure of eating, the experience of tasting something over again.

Formal mindfulness training is a structured program of everyday method of mindfulness meditation sessions. These sessions are in addition to proceeding casual mindfulness training with mindful consuming, strolling etc. Usually you would start by meditating for a couple of mins 3 to 4 times a week. After a number of weeks of this you would certainly boost the duration of your sessions by 5 mins and repeat this until you can meditate for 20-30 mins each time.

På dette mindfulnesskursus med mindfulnessinstruktør Andreas Sune Hansen lærer du bl.a de syv grundindstillinger i mindfulness, meditation, mindfulde øvelser, mindfulnesspraksis og mindful yoga.

[healthyandfitness-diy]

via HEALTHY AND FITNESS https://ift.tt/2NTMhbm

Improve Memory Power

Tips and Exercises to Sharpen Your Mind and Boost Brainpower

A trip to the grocery store to pick up bread, milk, and eggs could turn into a two-trip ordeal because you forgot to get one of three items listed. Left your phone in the cab? Blanking on names? Or the movie you saw last weekend? Then you're not alone. Everyone loses track occasionally. It kind of feels like as we are ageing, our minds and memories just don't work like they used to. But is that really true, or are there ways to improve memory power? The fact of the matter is that certain aspects of brain function and memory capability are not necessarily linked to getting older. Lifestyle choices and whether or not we implement memory-boosting techniques in our day-to-day lives contribute to the overall health of our brains and our ability to remember both new and old information. So we got to wondering: Is it possible to counteract the memory decline that already seems to be taking place? How can we improve memory power?

Well, we discovered;

 13 Tricks and Mind-sharpening Strategies to Boost your Memory.

1. Get a Good Night Sleep –

A poor sleep takes a toll on everything, from your job performance to your daily chores, and especially your memory. Sleep is a key time for the brain to solidify the connections between neurons, thus helping us remember more of our tasks. Rule of thumb: Get 7-8 hours of sleep everyday. Even a short naps counts for memory. Experts are of the opinion that if you do only one thing to improve your memory, getting more sleep should be it. If you have trouble sleeping get to know How to Get Good Sleep Naturally and Foods That Help You Sleep Better  to get a sound sleep. Yes, this age-old remedy actually works.

2. Jog Your Memory –

Literally. Exercise increases your heart rate which gets blood flowing to your brain, thus keeping your memory sharp. In fact, brain boosting physical activities that require hand-eye coordination or complex motor skills are particularly beneficial for brain building. Running, swimming, biking - any form of exercise - for at least 30 minutes helps enlarge the hippocampus, which is regarded as the 'memory center of the brain'. If you don't have time for a full workout, squeeze in a 10-minute walk around the block in your schedule or a few jumping jacks. It's enough to reboot your brain.

3. Stay Focused and Quit Multitasking –

Can't find your keys? It's probably because you weren't paying attention when you put them down. When you're juggling too many things, you're bound to forget. As it turns out, the brain doesn't actually multitask. Instead, it switches focus from one thing to the other, which is why it is difficult to read a book and hold a conversation at the same time. Multitasking will slow you down, so make it a point to concentrate on the task at hand. It's crucial. Studies suggest to say it out loud: "I left my keys on the dresser", etc. so the brain can process it. Your brain actually need about eight seconds to commit a piece of information to your memory, so if you're talking on the phone and carrying groceries when you put down your car keys, you're unlikely to remember where you left them.

 4. Use Mnemonic Devices –

Mnemonic devices are tools which help you memorize in an easier format - words, lists, concepts, et al.

·         Acronyms: They are basically abbreviations used a word to help you jog your memory. For example: CART can be carrots, apples, raspberries and tomatoes, which can be used to remember your grocery list.

·         Rhymes: If you need to remember a name, get creative. "Mary loves cherry" or "Simon is a fireman".  

·         Acrostics: These are life savers during exams, especially. Whenever you need to mug up a sentence, combine the initial letters and use as a memory cue. For example: How we all remembered the 9 planets during childhood, "My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets".

·         Chunking: Chunking breaks a long list of numbers or other types of information into smaller, more manageable chunks. For example: Remembering a 10-digit phone number by breaking it down   into three sets of numbers: 555-867-5309 (as opposed to 5558675309).

5. Meditation is Key –

According to a 2015 study from the UCLA Brain Mapping Center, the brain starts to decline in your 20s and continues to decrease both in size and volume. Meditating and yoga regularly delays cognitive decline and prevents neurodegenerative diseases like Dementia, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. Meditation produces a positive charge in the brain's gray matter overtime, which is important for memory, learning and self-awareness. In addition, meditation has been shown to reduce stress, which can do a number on memory.

6. Stay Mentally Active –

Give you brain a workout. Note: Crossword puzzles and Sudoku are your new best friend. Challenge your brain, take a different route to work, learn a new language, read a section of the newspaper you usually skip, do things out of the ordinary. Stay engaged, because mentally stimulating activities help keep your brain in shape - and might even keep memory loss at bay. People who are cognitively active have better memory as they age, it's true. So quiz yourself, flex your brain and improve your memory power.

7. Get Organized –

If your house is in a mess, you're more likely to forget things. Jot down tasks, declutter your home and note down appointments. Set aside a particular place at home to keep your keys, and limit distractions. Live by to-do lists, keep them upto date and check off the items you've completed. Physically writing down new information actually helps reinforce it. A day planner or smart phone calendar can help you keep track of appointments and activities and can also serve as a journal in which you write anything that you would like to remember. Writing down and organizing information reinforces learning.

Try jotting down conversations, thoughts, experiences.

Review current and previous day’s entries at breakfast and dinner.

If you use a planner and not a smart phone, keep it in the same spot at home and take it with you whenever you leave.

8. Write It Down -

Jotting down information will help you remember and visualize your agenda or tasks for the day. It is an easy way to remind yourself of what you have to do or say later during the day. Always keep a "random-thought pad" on hand while you're at the computer or folding laundry can help improve your focus naturally

9. Visualize your memory –

Learning faces and names is a particularly hard task for most people. In addition to repeating a person’s name, you can also associate the name with an image. Visualization strengthens the association you are making between the face and the name. For example:

Link the name Sandy with the image of a beach, and imagine Sandy on the beach or as suggested before "Mary loves cherry" or "Simon is a fireman".

10. Find a Cue –

When you are having difficulty recalling a particular word or fact, you can cue yourself by giving related details or “talking around” the word, name, or fact. Other practical ways to cue include:

Using alarms or a kitchen timer to remind you of tasks or appointments.

Placing an object associated with the task you must do in a prominent place at home. For example, if you want to order tickets to a play, leave a newspaper ad for the play near your telephone or computer.

11. Group them up –

When you’re trying to remember a long list of items, it can help to group the items in sets of three to five, just as you would to remember a phone number. This strategy capitalizes on organization and building associations, and helps to extend the capacity of our short-term memory by chunking information together instead of trying to remember each piece of information independently. For example:

If you have a list of 15 things on your grocery list, you can group the items by category, such as dairy, produce, canned goods, and frozen foods.

 12. Balance Your Stress –

Chronic stress and depression, both contribute to memory loss and the destruction of brain cells. One of the best things you can do is to laugh. Yes, it's that simple. Laughter engaged multiple regions of the brain and simultaneously reduces stress. Social interaction also helps ward off depression and stress, so look for opportunities to get together with family, loved ones, friends and work colleagues. Know the strategies for How to Manage Stress in Life.

 13. Food for Thought –

Did you know that the brain is an energy hungry organ? Despite comprising only 2% of the body's weight, the brain gobbles up more than 20% of daily energy intake. So a healthy diet might be as good for your brain as it is for your overall health, and eating right may in fact be more important than you think. After all, you are what you eat. The brain demands a constant supply of glucose which is obtained from recently eaten carbohydrates like whole grains, fruits and greens. Because when the glucose level drops, it results in confused thinking. No, this does not give you the license to slurp on sugary drinks. Instead eat throughout the day to optimize brain power- not too much, not too little. Memory boosting diet includes antioxidant-rich, colorful fruits, green leafy vegetables and whole grains which protect your brain from harmful free radicals. Choose low-fat protein sources such as fish and drink at least 8 glasses of water daily since dehydration can lead to memory loss and confusion.

The following nutritional tips will help boost your brainpower and reduce your risk of dementia:

Get your omega-3s. Research shows that omega-3 fatty acids are particularly beneficial for brain health. Fish is a particularly rich source of omega-3, especially cold water “fatty fish” such as salmon, tuna, halibut, trout, mackerel, sardines, and herring.

If you’re not a fan of seafood, consider non-fish sources of omega-3s such as seaweed, walnuts, ground flaxseed, flaxseed oil, winter squash, kidney and pinto beans, spinach, broccoli, pumpkin seeds, and soybeans.

Limit calories and saturated fat. Research shows that diets high in saturated fat (from sources such as red meat, whole milk, butter, cheese, cream, and ice cream) increase your risk of dementia and impair concentration and memory.

Eat more fruit and vegetables. Produce is packed with antioxidants, substances that protect your brain cells from damage. Colorful fruits and vegetables are particularly good antioxidant "superfood" sources.

Drink green tea. Green tea contains polyphenols, powerful antioxidants that protect against free radicals that can damage brain cells. Among many other benefits, regular consumption of green tea may enhance memory and mental alertness and slow brain aging.

Drink wine (or grape juice) in moderation. Keeping your alcohol consumption in check is key, since alcohol kills brain cells. But in moderation (around 1 glass a day for women; 2 for men), alcohol may actually improve memory and cognition. Red wine appears to be the best option, as it is rich in resveratrol, a flavonoid that boosts blood flow in the brain and reduces the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Other resveratrol-packed options include grape juice, cranberry juice, fresh grapes and berries, and peanuts.

IDENTIFY AND TREAT HEALTH PROBLEMS

Do you feel that your memory has taken an unexplainable dip? If so, there may be a health or lifestyle problem to blame.

It’s not just dementia or Alzheimer’s disease that causes memory loss. There are many diseases, mental health disorders, and medications that can interfere with memory:

Heart disease and its risk factors. 

Cardiovasculardisease and its risk factors, including high cholesterol and high blood pressure, have been linked to mild cognitive impairment.

Diabetes. 

Studies show that people with diabetesexperience far greater cognitive decline than those who don’t suffer from the disease.

Hormone imbalance. 

Women going through menopause often experience memory problems when their estrogen dips. In men, low testosterone can cause issues. Thyroid imbalances can also cause forgetfulness, sluggish thinking, or confusion.

Medications. 

Many prescription and over-the-counter medications can get in the way of memory and clear thinking. Common culprits include cold and allergy medications, sleep aids, and antidepressants. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist about possible side effects.

[astidamia]

Some -rude- “Back to school/college” considerations and tips

So....it’s that wonderful/dreadful time of the year again, yay.

I have gone back to school many times.....elementary, middle and high school and now university.

I want to share my thoughts about this time of the year and give you some tips.

We all know that we are obliged to study for a certain amount of years and that then we can choose to drop out of school, going to college and unviersity, search for a job ecc....

Some truth about school/college/university:

- you may not like going back to school: it doesn’t mean you are ungrateful or you hate learning or you’re lazy!  weather your parents are helping you or you’re paying for your education and indipendently from the fact that you may want to graduate, it doesn’t mean you have to love school/college/university life

- I have always loved school, but not going to school: 

*let’s face it, I have never been popular due to the fact I have always had very high grades and don’t look/act like a nerd (in the negative way of the term, I presonally consider myself a nerd and I’m proud of it!) 

*I have always loved to learn, but many times I have the feeling my class or professors are slowing me down or don’t teach the way I learn faster/easier

*many times the best professors are the worst people you can dream about: to make you an example, I had an excellent history of art during my 5 high school years and I learned a lot from her, I admired her, she was also very pretty but I loathed her...because she was a total bitch who hated me guts because she considered me a know-it-all that, worst of all, didn’t actually act like it XD  

*the fact that I like to learn doesn’t mean I’m interested in all the subjects, but it doesn’t mean that I have to take a low grade in the classes I don’t care about either...I just consider them a waste of time and it probably shows XD  and it can mean you have to face an entire trimester/semester of subjects you have to do but probably never use in real life...not much fun.

*may times I hate my classmates: idk how it is in other countries, but here in Italy many times people come to class and chat/laugh or brag about what they already know....while you are in the front row trying to fucking listen, taking notes and learning!!!  I mean, you’re not obliged to be there, if you don’t care...stay at home you idiots!

*there are always unpleasant people in schools/colleges/universities: I have been very lucky to have never been really bullied (well, to be fair I probably would have beaten the crap out of them and won despite my Ehler-Danlos syndrom)...but assholes finds ways to be annoying even if you don’t pay them any attention....they are still like a fastidious background noise that, after a few months/years makes you say “shit, I have had enought! cannot wait to leave this place”   

*you may be stressed and tired: no matter how organized you are, there will be days during which your professors will decided to put 3-4 testes/essays/quizzes a day, because why not!  or classes will be rescheduled and cancelled or exames posticipated/anticipated fucking up your entire revision schedule and social life  ot you’ll have to wake up at a shitty hour to take the bus/train/metro to school and expecially during winter it’s not a joy or you’ll have to complete a group project on your own..not funny eh? 

*you’ll probably loose a lot of sleep over stupid or too numerous projects and unnecessary homeworks your professors will assign you: I kid you not, my parents were against unnecessary help, but they had to help me complete my homeworks during all middle school because I had 7-8 hours of lessons without pauses every day (no lunch break, I finished at 3 p.m. practically starving) and despite the fact I went to bed at middnight and woke up at 6 a.m. every fucking day I didn’t physically managed to complete them all!!! all the parents immediately complained about the workload to the principal but nothing changed and by the end of the second semester of the first year all the parents and siblings were helping us out because it was really an impossible task for a single person....not cool.

-if you go to college/university, you’ll probably have to cook/clean/wash/go grocery shopping on your own: I love those tasks per se, but they make me loose so much fucking time I could be spending studying or even resting that I surely am not hestatic at this thought...expecially considering I have an entire adult life of those task ahead of me anyway...so why be happy about that now????

Now some tips:

- guess what? you don’t have to be excited at all to go back to school!

- you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone when asked if you are excited to go back to school/university and you answer NO: even if it’s a parent or a relative, when they start lamenting, discussing ecc... just look at them dead in the eyes and say you love school, you love to learn, but you don’t like going to school or staying in that environment and that you hope things will improve when you’ll be in college/university/grad school.  it’s no one business why you don’t love going to school while you do your duty.

- always study and take good grades: not only because grades sadly define your future -even if they don’t define you at all- but because you are probably quite lazy.....you know why I have always had good grades? because I’m lazy as fuck!! no really, I’m so lazy I:

*always sit in the front row, so I don’t miss a word and don’t have to wait for others to ask stuff and borrow notes...classmates are often unreliable or worst: they enjoy seeing you fail and give you false informations!! being there suffered that

*always write down any homework/assignment becuase it’s easier than recalling them later (and I have a very good memory)

*write loads of notes with any word the professors say: you can never know what those crazy people are obsessed with and may ask you!!

*always do all the homework and take good grades: many times if you fail to produce your homework, take a low grade or fail a class, you have to take summer classes or are assigned more homework...and you think that someone as lazy as I am is willing to spend summer doing extra homework/classes when I already complain about the obigatory ones??? hahahahahah, who do you take me for?

-talk to other/older students about classes and professors to discover how they are and what they expect from students: if you understand them and what they want, it will be easier for you to take good grades : ) 

*even if your fellow students have failed the class or don’t know what the professor want, ask them how they find the class and how their exames went: you may be able to deduce what they did wrong and what the professor want 

*I accidentally discovered, talking to many very well prepared people who failed epically many times, that my Electrical engineering professor gives you bad grades and makes you repeat the exam many times if you never show up to his study to ask about the course and the exercises because he authomatically thinks you’re not interested and don’t care....my classmates haven’t understand this, but I know now what to do before his exam XD

-try to do your homework/assignments/readings as soon as you can: you have a boring class? you have a cancelled class? you have a break? you have already finished a test or being quizzed? you’re wating for the bus/your parents or have a long ride home? do homework! you have no idea how many times this saved me: I had more free time at home and I already knew stuff when I was ill for days and couldn’t study  ;)  

*despite what people say, I have always compelte the easy and for me simple tasks immediately: if you struggle with math/history/literature/physics, have to read it many times and are quite slow with the assignments and homeworks and do that firt, you may not have time to do anything else!  not smart XD

-always, always talk to your parents/guardians/siblings about you day at school, about the professors and the assignments and try to involve them in your revision times and ask them to read your essays/homeworks: I know it may sound weird, but you have no idea how many times this can come handy when the professors try to put you in shitty situations or give you the fault for a bad grade!  if your family doesn’t know anything about you, how you study or about the professors as people, they authomatically assume it’s your fault...it’s stupid, I know, but it’s true! so trust me, even if they half-listen it’s better then nothing

-if anything is going wrong at school/university, don’t simply complain, but talk to the people who can solve the problem in the most logical and calm way possible: it’s more likly they’ll take you seriously and try to fix things

-never lie: 

*seriously, never lie to your parents about grades or failing a class, better even, at the first lower or bad grade, ask for advice....if something goes really wrong and you have to repeat the class of the semester, they won’t get angry and let you in trouble because you involved them and they know you have done your best

*never lie about going to parties/sleepovers/cinema/dates ecc.... not only it’s important that someone always know what you’re doing and where, but if you prove yourself trusworthy, it’s more likely they’ll say yes another time.

-try to exercises as frequently as you can: even if it’s just walking around campus or doing a simple 10 minutes workout, just do it! it helps de-stress and keeps your body and mind healthy

-make space for me-time: I know it’s tempting to use all your “free time” to study, seeing friends or go to events, but by the time fridays rolls around you have to re-centre yourself and relax, expecially if you have to do laundry/cleaning and go to mass on sundays.

-read of watch shows you’re interested into and that may be realted to your field or are the complete opposite: you’ll learn many interesting things, relax your brain and have fun 

-find out what relaxes you: no matter what others may say, if you relax playing HALO or watching YT videos, go for it! 

-try to make the best out of any situation: 

*so let’s say you have a class you really don’t like? don’t complain, try to get as involved as you can so it may become less boring

*you don’t understand anything about a subject: go to your professor every single time it’s possible....they may have had enough of you by the end of the semester, but believe me when I say you’ll do much better in class and get a good grade anyway

*you don’t have much free time because you have to clean and cook: try to see cleaning as a gym exercise and to channel your creativity in the kitchen...it may not be what you wanted to do, but since you have to complete this taks anyway and they are time-consuming, why not?

*you don’t get along with your roommate? again, don’t look at the negative side of things: don’t complain all the time or you’ll feel worst, try to be civil to this person anyway, don’t think it’s your or his/hers fault (some people are simply incompatible), try to study at the library/café/park as much as you can and if it’s really impossible to tolerate this person, ask for a change of room explaining with calm and logical reasoning that the situation it’s driving you mad and you’re there to learn and cannot do that in such an environment

-finally, expecially if you’re in college/university, always remember: YOU’RE PAYING! now, don’t turn into a bully or get smug....but always remember that your professors are there because you pay the taxes and that if you want to change your room because you don’t like the situation or you want to complain about something wrong your landlord/landlady has done....you have every right as long as you’re polite! 

*a small example: last year a professor suddenly arrived in our only study classroom (they have assigned the other ones to researchers, damn them) and imperiously demanded us to clear it because he had to do and exam. while he went to fetch his student, I checked the classrooms booking website and saw they were all free and not booked and since it’s were the exames have to take place according to the rules, when the guy returned I told him there were many classrooms free and that, while he could use any one of them, we only had this study classroom and that maybe he could have gone somewhere else: ofc the guy got angry and tried to yell that he was a professor, so I told him that the rules of the univ stated that the professors had to book a classroom to do the exams, that he was being really rude without a reason and that I was very sorry but he was there because I payed the taxes so even his paycheck and therefore I had more rights than him, concluding that I would have preferred not to have to call the headmaster to solve the situation....guess what? the professor remaind silent for 20 seconds, apologized and went away. I didn’t yell, I wasn’t rude, but sure as hell I don’t take shit from anyone!

I hope some of these tips will be useful and I wish you all a wonderful back to school season! ; )

[inhumansforever]

Ms. Marvel #18 Review

spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers

Guest artist, Francesco Gastón, joins writer, G. Willow Wilson, and colorist, Ian Herring, for this special stand-alone issue focusing on Bruno’s time as an exchange student in Wakanda.  Full recap and review following the jump.

Bruno and Kamala had been the best of friends throughout most of their childhoods.  As time went on, Bruno’s feelings for Kamala changed from friendship to romantic love.  Kamala wasn’t able to return this kind of love but the two remained close friends.  Then the second Super Hero Civil War occurred and events took place that would change Bruno’s life forever.  

Captain Marvel’s special team of junior Carol Corps Cadets were tasked with utilizing the precognitions of the Inhuman known as Ulysses in order to prevent crimes before they occurred; and in her role as Ms. Marvel, Kamala was assigned to lead them.   The Cadets proved overly enthusiastic and the power granted them to detain would-be criminals without due process quickly went to their heads.  Kamala and Bruno’s classmate, Josh, was apprehended for a fire that Ulysses predicted he would set following a breakup with his girlfriend.  Although Josh had once been a bully who teased Bruno mercilessly, Bruno could not sit idly by while Josh was detained without legal council.  He decided to take matters into his own hands and built an explosive device that he intended to use to break Josh out.  Unfortunately the device malfunctioned and detonated in Bruno’s hands, leaving him with severe injuries and paralysis to the right side of his body.  

Bruno blamed Kamala for all that had happened.  He saw her as responsible for the Carol Cadets abuse of power and although Kamala had quit the Carol Corps and even resigned her post as an Avenger, Bruno was still not willing to forgive her.  He was offered a scholarship to study in the technically advanced nation of Wakanda and accepted it as a means of getting away from New Jersey and starting what was left of his life anew.  

Whereas Bruno was a gifted student and well ahead of his class in Jersey City things are much different in Wakanda.  Here in the Golden City of Birnin Zana, capital of Wakanda, he was quite behind in his studies compared to his peers and often feels alienated as a foreigner in a distant land.  To make matters worse, his physical condition is continuing to deteriorate and it may not be long before he looses further functioning of his body.     On top of it all, Bruno isn’t quite over his crush on Kamala.  He may not be willing to forgive her, but that doesn’t seem to prevent him from still pining for her.  Although interestingly, Bruno daydreams about her now seem to be more focused on Kamala in her Ms. Marvel guise rather than the girl she was when the two grew up together.   

Bruno feels like a constant source of hardship and embarrassment to his roommate, Kwezi, and hence puts up with Kwezi’s frequent insults and demands that Bruno do his laundry.  When Kwezi coerces Bruno’s aide in a complicated effort to impress a girl, Bruno feels obligated to go along.  

Despite the antagonistic banter between Bruno and Kwezi, it appears clear that the two have become friends.  For all of his eye-rolls and use of insulting nicknames, Kwezi is the one person who does’t look at Bruno with pity and treat him as a wounded charity case.  And for this Bruno opts to accompany Kwezi on what turns out to more than just a stunt, but instead a rather risky venture wherein Kwezi has set out to pilfer a chunk of Wakanda’s invaluable vibranium ore.  

Playing the role of hapless tourist, Bruno distracts the guards of the research center while Kwezi uses a special bracelet to gain entrance into the facility.  It is quite painful for Bruno to be looked at with pity, to be seen as useless and broken.    And yet he succeeds in distracting the guards.  Once inside the research facility, the two ultimately discover the prize Kwezi has been searching for, a huge chuck of vibranium.  

Kwezi only needs a small portion of the ore for his purposes and insists that he is only borrowing it so to attain proof of concept.  He has Bruno use a laser cutting to carve off a small chunk of the ore while he reroutes the security programs to hide their presence.  Bruno is right handed, yet his injury has forced him to have to learn to use his left hand.  It’s been an extremely difficult process, made all the more arduous when people try to encourage him to just will his way through it.  Yet he knows he must do so, he’ll never achieve the life he wishes for unless he is able to persevere through this hardship.  

Bruno is ultimately able to carve the chuck off, catching the dislodged piece of vibranium with his good foot as it falls.  Unfortunately, Kwezi is less successful with his own task and alarms sounds off.  The two try to flee the scene only to come face to face with a legion of guards.  Things become desperate; in the face of arrest and incarceration Kwezi and Bruno attempt to flee through a window.  Bruno’s crutch slips on a piece of glass and he falls.  Kwezi catches him by the good arm but can only hold on for so long.  Dangling there, facing certain death, Bruno looks at his life from anew perspective.  He knows that things are bound to get worse.  His condition is permanent and likely to worsen as muscle atrophy will lead to neurological degeneration and possibly full body paralysis.  Things will never be the same again yet despite it all he cannot give up; he wants to live.  

Fortunately, The Black Panther swings in at the last moment, catching Bruno and grabbing Kwezi, jumping down to the safety of an adjacent building. 

It turns out that Kwezi is actually The Black Panther’s nephew.  Furthermore, his reasons for stealing the vibranium was not about impressing a girl but rather for a specialized harness meant to stabilize Bruno’s muscle atrophy and enable him enhanced functionality.  Vibranium has special vibration-nullifying properties and Kwezi has designed a mechanism that would absorb kinetic friction and reenforce the neurological signals between Bruno’s brain and his paralyzed limbs.  It would not afford Bruno a complete recovery but could vastly slow deterioration and afford greater mobility.  

Bruno is all but dumbstruck that Kwezi has done this for him.  He thought Kwezi hated him, yet now it turns out that he has risked everything to try to help him.  Kwezi’s uncle, The Black Panther, is equally impressed by his nephew’s selflessness; so much so that he is willing to let this infraction slide.  Kwezi and Bruno are allowed to keep the chunk of vibranium so to see if the project may prove a success.  The tale ends with Bruno recalling a common Wakandan adage:  ‘The Universe Is So Big It Has No Center; We Are The Center.’  

A very nice and emotionally touching issue.  Wilson and company just never miss a beat and Ms. Marvel continues to be the best all around comic on the stands.  I certainly missed Kamala in the story, but it was cool seeing what Bruno has been up to and Kwezi proved to be a great character and a welcome new addition to the Ms. Marvel extended cast.  

Bruno has had a really tough life.  He was neglected throughout much of his childhood and had to work for everything, often relying on the kindness of Kamala’s family to help him out with basic needs.  Despite his misfortunes, Bruno excelled in school and was on his way toward an Ivy League education and a bright future.  Then it all fell apart and he seemingly lost everything.  

It’s not really fair for Bruno to blame Kamala for what has happened to him.  And the fact that he is still crushing on her puts his continued un-forgiveness toward her in something of a creepy light.  Still, Bruno has good reason to be angry and sometimes that anger just need to be focused somewhere, anywhere.  

He is facing a grim future.  Injuries like he has sustained rarely get better and often get worse.  He hates being looked at with pity and yet that pity has starting to set in as internalized and coming from himself.  Bruno’s adventure with Kwezi has shaken him from this self-pity, reinvigorated his will to persevere through the hardship.  And the kindness Kwezi has shown him highlights the fact that he doesn’t have to face this all on his own.  Hopefully Kwezi’s gesture will motivate Bruno to finally forgive Kamala and allow their friendship to blossom anew.  

Francesco Gastón does great work.  The simple, cartoony style matches the tenor of the story quite nicely.  There are some simply wonderful facial expressions that work like punchlines.  Illustrating the advanced cityscape of Wakanda cannot be easy, but Gastón’s confident line does it justice and makes the fantastic Golden City feel like a real world local.  

Once again, Ian Herring’s coloring is top notch.  His work has become a lynchpin that maintains the titles’ sense of visual continuity with various illustrators penciling the books.  Herring’s importance to the title cannot be overstated.  Colorists rarely received the acclaim they deserve and Herring has been just as crucial to continual quality of Ms. Marvel as anyone else working on the book.  

Another great issue despite the fact that Kamala herself wasn’t in it.  Definitely recommended, but those with a tighter comic-buying budget can skip it in that it is a stand alone with a brand new arc starting with the next installment. Four out of Five Lockjaws

[ecotone99]

[RF] Thirty Two Thousand Feet

Hello everyone. I hardly ever write, I am a biology major who happens to be taking a required english class. Our midterm was to create our own original short story to be submitted, and I am too nervous to share this with any members of my family for feedback. Writing is a huge insecurity of mine, so I wanted to leave it here for others to read and maybe enjoy! :) go easy on me please.

I never thought that I knew what flying would feel like. I’m not talking in an airplane, buckled in safely at cruising altitude, lifejackets accounted for and yes, I know, in the case of an emergency the bag may not be inflated but I’m getting air. No, I was really, quite truly, flying. Passing through the surprisingly empty air with such speed the wind ate away at my clothes, my already ripped shirt now gathering around my waist, pant legs trailing behind me like battle torn old glory, my hair a suffocating tangle upon my face. Yes, I am flying! But who knew flying would be so damn painful, I prickle everywhere. I suppose that may be due to the fact my skin is embedded with shards of glass, pushing their stingers deeper and deeper into my flesh. Bursting clear through a car windshield tends to do that to you. Windshields are supposed to shatter outwards, for safety purposes right? So when someone like me, drunk beyond reason and driving with no seat belt, can exit with ease. I can only imagine that windshield would have hurt a hell of a lot more if it hadn't given way, my face would have been squashed to a pulp, completely unrecognizable. I wonder if the tree has glass embedded in it now too, crying tears of sap instead of tears of blood. I confusedly wonder, as my head swims frantically to and fro, who plants trees in the middle of the road anyway? I have always liked to drink, it started slow early on in college and now it is a daily exercise in pouring, sipping, and repeating. Everything goes better with a drink in my hand. Having a laugh with my friends, celebrating a classmate’s graduation, coping with the loss of my mom, who didn’t die but decided her life was considerably better without me. The usual stuff. The stuff that people say you need to see a ‘professional’ about, as if you have money for a professional. Professionals aren't my type. My type is a nice cold glass of beer and a karaoke machine in a crowded bar. The pounding of the music coupled with the numbness brought on by alcohol was my preferred medicine. Cry on the inside, laugh on the outside, no professional necessary. Most of my friends allowed me to think that way too. Being in college, half of them were more intent on getting hammered than I was. It’s all fine by me, anything to keep the internal dialogue from getting too loud, forcing me to hear what it has to say. I liked that half of my friends, maybe they were in just as much pain as I was. And if they were, at least they never wanted to talk about it either. My dad was normal enough, trying to put the family my mother left behind back together. Being a single parent really fit him, and considering it was just his adult daughter and the senile PetSmart guppy, I like to think that his new parenting situation wasn't too demanding anyhow. I picked up after myself, helped him cook dinner, put the laundry away, typical chore tasks that people usually gripe about, but I really have no problem doing. I’m not one for messes, neither was my dad. He also wasn't one for alcohol, which was his loss. Dad and I got on pretty well in the day to day, and he especially liked it when I would sit and play cards with him. He had always played with mom after dinner before she left. Maybe playing helped him cope with the pain too. Maybe he hoped enough rounds of cards would bring her back to him, that the universe would deal her back into his life. I indulged him, believing it was what I was supposed to do as a daughter, but I can't help but feel like I knew better. My mom was not coming back, the queen of hearts was staying at the bottom of the deck, content to be hidden and hoping to be forgotten. He managed a few years after I completed my undergrad, until one day he suffered a heart attack alone at home while I was out trolling for jobs post graduation. No interviews, no dad, cue the karaoke. I suppose that puts me right about here, my flight has ended. I can sense a little more now, the momentary euphoria of my sudden departure and subsequent landing dissipating. I can’t help but be pissed that my body landed in a bramble of indiscernible bushes quite a few feet from the road, the stubby branches poking and prodding my seeping wounds. Finally physical pain almost parallel to that which wraps itself around my heart with each fluttering beat. My head begins to swim again, and I’m thinking back to the tree. I tilt my head back, searing pain rushing down my spine, radiating through my pelvis and ending somewhere I know my feet to be. I wiggle my toes on each foot and some don’t respond right away, a frustrating lag from my brain to my phalanges. I begin to try and rotate my body to face my car, muscles protesting and tendons unworking. The lower half of my body refuses to obey. Come on, just move. I want to lay eyes on that damn tree. Despite the aching in my neck, I turn my head fully and stare out of stinging eyes. The headlights of my vehicle illuminate the trunk and lowest branches in a warm yellow glow. I can see the glass scattered around its roots like confetti, the front end of my car wrapped around its trunk in a metallic embrace. A sudden and profound silence befalls me. The woods grow quiet, the brambles stop poking, and I see the tree’s canopy sway gently. It’s emerald leaves rustle invitingly, beckoning me to come closer. Sudden desperation overcomes me in violent waves, causing my body to shudder with longing, longing which brings on another wave of pain. The tree is whispering to me. I can hear its calming voice trailing through it’s leaves, making its way towards me. Each wisp of dialogue floating down to the ground below, becoming entangled in blades of grass and pieces of warped metal. I decide to close my eyes. I reach out for the silence, hoping in its stillness I will be able to hear what the tree is saying. In the silence, in the dead of night, alone in life and alone on this road I can hear what the tree is saying in its earthly whisper. “Stop.”

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[ulyssessklein]

Becoming a full-time musician: How one artist took the leap

Going pro. Quitting the day job. Taking the plunge. Living the dream.

A year ago, Laini Marenick (of the band Laini and the Wildfire) quit her day job and became a professional musician. Like the first year of any new business endeavor, there were many ups and downs.

Laini was kind enough to answer questions about the challenges and rewards of her new life as a full-time musician. I think her story will be useful for any artist who’s considering taking a similar risk.

An interview with Laini Marenick

When did you decide to quit your job and pursue music full time? 

It was a slow process that involved me testing the waters first before I committed to the idea of being a full-time musician.

In the summer of 2015, I had a catharsis of sorts after spending two weekends in a row at what I guess you can say were “life-changing” concerts. One was the Newport Folk Festival, and the other was Lake Street Dive. I felt so alive and so real and authentic—it was like I rediscovered a part of myself that I had buried for so long—more than 10 years. I came home, and the next day our song “Newport” spilled out of me which described that exact experience.

We were already in the process of writing our debut EP, and now I was really questioning what I wanted my future to look like. Those cathartic moments at the concerts solidified the fact that I needed music to be a bigger part of my life.

That Monday morning, I told my boss I had to step-down to part time, and I was part-time for about a year and a half before I finally left my job completely in August 2017.

What pieces of the puzzle had fallen into place where you felt like it was time to make the leap?

In the year and a half that I was part time, I adjusted to making less money. I consolidated my debt. I started “budgeting.” I cancelled a bunch of monthly services. I lowered my car insurance payments and my student loans. It all adds up. You don’t realize how much money you’re wasting until you don’t have any money to waste! I also picked up a few private piano lessons for extra income.

But even with my financials in order, things were still unbalanced with work and music. My work was suffering. I was trying to direct a program for kids with severe emotional problems on a 3 day/week schedule, and it just didn’t work. And my music was suffering too. I was completely drained trying to push forward with the upcoming release of my album Wandering. Things were falling out of place rather than falling into place. I guess you can say it came down to one of those cliché “shit or get off the pot” moments.

So like any normal human, I drank some wine and asked my friend to give me an impromptu weeknight tarot card reading, which pointed me in the right direction (and inspired our song “Wandering”). Deep down, I already knew the answer was to quit, but leaving a job that I loved and had devoted 7 years of my life to (plus 6 years of school for my master’s degree in social work, a clinical license, and all of the accompanying debt) was terrifying. But at this point, I was already functioning with a lot less income, so I had some confidence that I could figure out how to make ends’ meet when I left my job completely.

How do you self-manage your workload as a pro musician? What’s an “average” day look like? 

I make sure I always set aside time to schedule out my week, and that whatever I’m working on is related directly to my goals—which I create every 3 months or so. It’s so easy to become overwhelmed with the all things you have to handle as a DIY musician—social media, booking, writing, rehearsing, making videos, marketing, publicity—I mean the list goes on and on.

I usually start the day with something that makes me happy and excited to get out of bed. It often involves walking my dog and listening to a podcast, or cooking a breakfast I really like. Then I block out my day according to my goals/tasks. If I’m writing, I do that first since that’s when I’m the most focused. I spend 15-45 minutes on social media talking to people and posting content, followed by 2-3 hours on music business related tasks, which could be any number of things depending on what my goals are.

Around lunch time, I take care of any personal calls/errands, followed by a short break. In the afternoon, I usually rehearse on my own. By about 4:00, I’m headed off to teach piano for a few hours. I have band rehearsal a few times a week in the evenings. I also try to do as much food prep, cleaning, laundry, and social media at night so that I wake up with less on my to-do list.

What’s generating the most revenue for you?

It fluctuates. Generally, live shows are where we make the most money, especially when we’re able to get on any festival shows, as opposed to clubs/venues. Merch/CD sales are a close second.

That’s regarding the band’s income. A lot of my personal income comes from teaching private piano lessons. I know many people might feel like that’s a “day job,” and teaching may not be for everyone. But for me, the fact that I am doing something related to music every hour of the day—whether it’s teaching, writing, booking, etc.—is inspiring. It feels effortless and fun. It doesn’t feel like a chore. I don’t feel drained. It’s a stream of income that feeds me emotionally (and physically!), and it feels good to know that I’m helping these kids discover something that has been such a guiding force in my life.

What do you wish you knew a year ago that you know now?

I let the beliefs of the general population get to me. I questioned myself often. “Am I too old to be doing this? I’m over 30. I should be focused on having a family, not pursuing some crazy dream.”

No one was saying these things to me really, but I felt like the world was judging me. And I think a lot of women who are over 30 and not living the typical “have a family and settle down lifestyle” feel the same way. So that pressure I felt fueled some anxiety for me. I had to get the album out as fast I could before it was “too late.”

Now, I’m more focused on just writing the best song I can and not rushing anything because my biological clock may or may not be ticking. Our music attorney said something once that stuck with me: “You’re not a loaf of bread, you don’t expire.”

And though I still have my moments, I believe that most of the time now.

What have been your biggest successes in your DIY marketing efforts?

Twitter has been really great for us. It’s unusual, I know, since Twitter is typically just a black hole of politics and random people DM’ing you to “check out their latest song.”

We developed a method that helps us connect with like-minded people, and we’ve made friends and fans all over the world, which is really cool. Anyone we follow usually will check out our page, and see our music video (great video content is important) which is pinned right at the top. Usually, they’ll start engaging with me right away.

I talk to everyone who talks to me, and I ask our Twitter followers personal questions. I know a lot of them by name, not just their Twitter handle. Lots of people have impressive numbers in terms of Twitter followers. But the fact that a lot of our followers feel connected to us and have become fans of our music is a big win.

The other thing I’m really proud of is all the press coverage the band received for Wandering. Doing my own press campaign was grueling work— 50 different blogs, tons of research, some harsh rejections, and Excel spreadsheets that seem to go on forever—but still, I’m so glad I decided to DIY it. I got a ton of features for the band and ended up on the cover of the entertainment section in a major local newspaper that’s sold statewide.

How about your biggest failures?

The Spotify playlisting company we worked with when we released Wandering didn’t quite give the impact we hoped for. We got added to a few playlists, and the increased plays were cool to see, but nothing ever materialized. We were hoping for exposure to a larger audience than what our results showed, and that some of those listeners would become fans of the band (not just the song). That didn’t seem to happen.

I will say that the team we worked with was GREAT, and we may try it again in the future. But for this particular release, it was disappointing, especially since this was where almost all of our album marketing money went. It felt like a huge failure since we kind of banked on this to help “take us to the next level.” It didn’t.

Besides streaming promotion, there some piece of the puzzle that’s still missing, that you think could take things to the next level… next time?

I think we have yet to create that undeniable song that becomes the trademark for the band. I love all of the music we’ve created so far and I’m extremely proud of it. But, we’ve been a band for less than 3 years, and the songs that we’ve put out are literally the first songs I’ve ever written.

Our EP and album were definitely experimental in terms of us figuring out our sound and who we are as a band. I think now we’re a lot clearer on that, we play better together, and we’re better able to blend the guys’ hard rock roots with my love for 60s soul and powerhouse female vocalists.

So, the focus as of right now, is to write the best songs we can write. We’re also working with a producer this time around, who produced some gold and platinum records. Up until now, all our songs have been self-produced, and I think having that extra set of ears is going to be huge for us in taking our music to the next level.

Your “Live from the Lake” video series is really cool. How did it come together?

One thing we’ve learned is that video is king when it comes to engaging people on social media. We thought doing a cover series would be a fun way to engage our fans and maybe get some new fans, but we wanted to make it a little more exciting than your average cover video.

We are lucky enough that our drummer, Rob, has a boat and we usually all hang out on the boat in Lake Zoar anyway, so it felt like a natural fit. Our bass player, Mark, brings a small recording device for the audio that he later runs through ProTools, and we film using an iPhone on a tripod.

People loved the first one so we rolled with it! They are SO much fun to film, but never without challenges. The wakes, the camera falling over, bugs, the shaker falling IN the lake (shakers float by the way)—we have more outtakes and blooper reels than you can possibly imagine!

[Editor’s note: Release ALL those blooper reels!!!!]

What’s next?

We are currently in a writing phase and hope to have some new songs out by Spring 2019. Other than that, I’m diving deep into social media marketing so we can expand our following and hopefully by the time our new songs come out, we’ll have some really excited fans.

What would you tell someone who’s ready to take the plunge and tackle music full time?

The stories you hear where someone just impulsively “quit their job” one day so they could pursue their dreams are misleading and make all of us feel like being a full time musician is impossible. Maybe that technique works for a small portion of the population. But for the majority of people, including myself, becoming a full time musician means months and maybe even years of planning.

Take one small step at a time, until you’re financially and emotionally ready. You’ll be surprised at how your motivation increases and opportunities open up as you gradually start spending less time on work, and more time on music.

And when you do take the plunge, have a routine in place and specific goals/tasks that you work on everyday—some related to the actual music making part and some related to the business side of things.

What are your go-to resources for your career?

The DIY Musician Podcast is my favorite, and one of the early sources that I credit to giving me the courage and knowledge I needed to figure out how to pull off being a full time musician. I also really like the Break the Business podcast and I find the Song Exploder podcast very inspiring for writing.

I also own some of Tom Jackson’s Live Music Method DVDs. Totally worth the investment for any live band who wants to up their live performance game. And if there’s something you’re really confused by, but know you need to do it to move your career forward (like licensing, or social media marketing) take an online course. I’ve taken courses with Dave Kusek’s New Artist Model and Bree Noble (Female Musician Academy) and have had positive experiences with both.

Thanks to Laini for all the info. You can hear more of her music HERE.

If YOU recently took the leap to full-time musician, I’d love to hear your story. Holler in the comments below.

The post Becoming a full-time musician: How one artist took the leap appeared first on DIY Musician Blog.