#it's ranting on the hellsite time of night

[ind1g3n0us-lev1t3]

After Rosh Hashannah dinner with my Grandparents last night, I opened Tumblr to check on what shit everyone was up to.

And what was the top fucking post on my recommended? A post GLORIFYING HEZBOLLAH saying that “the resistance will never fall”.

How much longer will we have to experience this? Almost a year after October 7th, during the high holidays, when we are supposed to be celebrating and mourning, we get shit like this. I am sick to fucking death of these so called “humanitarians” cheering on fucking terrorists. I am sick to death of these idiots calling for our death. Yet I am sure tumblr, the arseholes who run this hellsite (derogatory) are, won’t do anything about it.

It will never cease to amaze me how absolutely appalling the behaviour we have experienced over the past year has been, but it makes me especially angry how it has almost been normalised. People cheering on actual genocidal maniacs who have become a massive threat to global stability (THE IRGC, Hezbollah, Hamas etc), people who have killed more of their own people than they have Israelis.

In the city where I live in, on the anniversary of October 7th, there will be a massive rally celebrating the massacre, where people will be waving flags of terrorists and chanting for our destruction. A day when we are going to be mourning. It is disgusting how this behaviour is being accepted, and how this won’t be stopped. The Nazis would be proud of the rest of the world.

But you know what else makes me angry? The responses we are getting from other Jewish people telling us to just lay low and to hide who we are, effectively oppressing ourselves. No, I will never be silenced for being Jewish and being opposed to terrorists. I will not hide who I am because it is unsafe. Over 6 million of us were killed because we couldn’t stand up for ourselves, I will not let that happen again.

I ask all Jews, do not oppress yourselves, do not conform to what the mainstream tells you to do. And especially, do not let this shit keep sliding. Do not let antisemites tell us what to do. As the saying goes: “the antisemite doesn’t enjoy accusing the Jew of being guilty, the antisemite enjoys the Jew turning out his pockets to prove his innocence”.

If I have to make a post like this in a year’s time, I will ensure that one day the world will experience true Jewish anger, all 2500 years of our trauma unleashed.

Some will be angry at my little rant here, and I couldn’t give two fucks about it.

Bring. Them. Home. Now

Stop. Supporting. Modern. Day. Nazis

Stop. Supporting. Terrorists

Stop. Celebrating. Dead. Jews

[hiraethwa]

The Great Appreciation Post

it's thanksgiving season so you know what it means! i've only been active on here for almost a year and i am so, so grateful for all the friendly and amazing people who had interacted with me, hence the birth of this post :)

now, before i go on my appreciation rant <3 for my almost one year on this hellsite, i present a thanksgiving/gratitude ask game (ask away my loves, and/or reblog to tag in)

*checks list* *clears throat* okay this is gonna take a hot second, but it's divided into two parts, if you're tagged that means that i have a special little thank you note for you <3

thank you to all my readers who read my works, i sincerely hope that you enjoyed them and it brought you happiness (or pain *cough*) for a moment in time, hehe. i love and appreciate every single one of you!! BIG THANK YOU!!! for those who took some time out of their day to interact with my works, whether it be replies, reblogs, likes, or asks, i love you even more *blows a virtual kiss at you*

you have my gratitude always!!

special mentions (to the osd readers) every single one of you gave me the push to keep going with one summer day @briokayama for the sweet tags on one summer day, i was giggling when i saw your reblogs (you are one of the pivotal people who made osd continue), thank you <3 @mintgrumpy for the quoting my fic back to me and the yelling in the reblogs (and the speechlessness from osd 15 hehe), i keep them very close to my heart, thank you <3 @lemurzsquad for the emotional replies, they had me tearing up, thank you <3 @brokenbraveakira for the yelling in the replies and (the reaction pics omg) reblogs, (i am sorry for inflicting so much pain on you, and enjoying that it does as i intended for it to <//3) thank you <3 @nansfyy for your reactions (and disbelief) in the reblogs (sorry not sorry) thank you <3 @illuzminate for your reactions in the replies, i love them! i promise it will be okay!! thank you <3

hugeeee thank you to all my mutuals who made this hellsite fun and welcoming! it was so lonely here before you appeared in my life :') thank you, thank you for all the interactions, random asks, out of pocket conversations, beautiful long ass tags, everything that you do <3 i am so grateful that you exist and that you chose to be in mine. forever grateful for all the ones that took the first step first, and all the ones who replied, AAAAH I LOVE YOU ALL TO THE MOON AND BACK thank you for the brain rot sessions and sharing my passion and giving some of your time to me, you all deserve everything you want, you beautiful souls!!

i will never forget the kindness you showed me and the wild things we got up to <3

special mentions for the mutuals who i hold very dear to my heart <33 @shouyuus tobio nation go RAHHHHH thank you for brainstorming with me, sharing beautiful chinese poetry with me, putting second prince!tobio in my head. thank you for all that you do and thank you for being so warm and kind, much like a 姐姐 ily <3 i look forward to more brain rots with you!! @hiraethwrote my first tobio mutual !!!! i was so excited to have you, omg i love all your angst they hit so well i feel like that shaking cat emoji. thank you for welcoming me in your asks with random things and thank you for dragging me down the satoru rabbit hole (idk why sliding in your asks has me giggling all the time) ily <3 i look forward to screaming about our men more hehe!! @bakery-anon my one and only anon <33 you're so sweet and precious! thank you for being warm and lovely and sharing all the 'nice' things you see on the internet with me (you know what i mean...) thank you for all the cute good night messages and thank you for making sure we all are taking care of ourselves ily <3 i look forward to making you lose your mind more in the future!! @hatsukeii that one mutual i found thanks to toshi (laugh) (you know why this is so funny) i hope exams are going well (high distinction, fingers crossed) thank you for always letting me soundboard my ideas and suggesting your own, i loveeeee sharing my evil plans with you and i love hearing yours! thank you for being so lovingly mean and thank you for being such a funny person without trying hehe ily <3 i look forward to yapping with you more when you come back!! @daisy-room my first mutual that i interacted with as a baby blog!! thank you for making that recommendation post and including osd, thank you for responding when i reached out hehe, thank you for being there when i needed someone the most. you are the biggest motivation behind osd continuing, and i do hope i deliver to your expectations for the last 3 chapters *wink* thank you for being you, thank you for yapping with me all the goddamn time, thank you for the lovely, comforting presence. you deserve all the good things in this world, trust! ily <3 i look forward to your 8194719283 series and your beautiful mind!!

happy thanksgiving and thank you all so much for all the love and support! i love you all! cheers!

[prettykittytanjiro]

INTRO POST (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

Hiii! Welcome to my blog page :)

I figured it's about time to make a pinned post so let's do this!!

(edited) ATTENTION PLEASE:

I AM NOT IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES TO MAKE A DONATION OF ANY SORT; but I will be certain to share it.

ALSO HEADS UP I DON'T OFTEN DO TAG GAMES BUT I LOVE Y'ALL<333

You can call me Lemons or Lilavati! I'm a minor who loves Stamp/Coin collecting, birdwatching and all things mythology

I've been on this hellsite for maybe three years(?) by now!

I'm in a fair amount of fandoms, I'll be adding as I go!

My Little Pony

The Mysterious Benedict Soceity

Night At The Museum

Miraculous Ladybug

Five Nights At Freddy's

NCIS: Naval Criminal Investigation Services

Lord Of The Rings (still getting into it)

Ducktales (2017)

Elementary (2012)

Asterix and Obelix

The Adventures of TinTin

The Backrooms

Ever After High

SCP: Secure Contain Protect

Aru Shah (The Pandava Quintet)

Avatar: The Last Airbender and Legend Of Korra

Demon Slayer

Poppy Playtime

Five Nights At Freddy's

If you wanna know if I'm in any specific fandom, feel free to ask <3

I play the violin, and do indian classical dance!

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My aesthetic according to Pinterest:

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"hiraeth (n.): the feeling of being homesick for a home one is not able to return to; homesickness pertaining to a home that never was."

Moodboard by @kyayarpriyanka (tysm for it it's so beautiful!!)

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My tag system:

lemon reflection: My random little ramblings- mostly for me to look back upon or record

lemon contemplates life: Rants and existential crises

lemon writes: My own writings, which I reblog from my side acc!

lemon answers: Asks which are sent to me <3 (I'm super grateful for every single ask, so thank you!)

lemon does music: Stuff about my violin playing or music

lemon wishes: Significant days/events which I want to remember and post wishes for!

lemon rps: My interactions with rp accounts!

tumblr buddies: my interactions with my beloved moots <3 (I love all of you you're all so cool omg)

thats krishna guys (⁠⌐⁠■⁠-⁠■⁠): My personal tag for everything to do with Krishna (bc my brother needs his own tag or my blog will be flooded with yapping smh)

fic recs: Fanfic I have read on here!

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My writing blog is @lilavatilikeslemons ! Please do go check it out if you're interested- it means a lot to me!

My inbox is always open, so feel free to drop by <3 (just please, use tone indicators if that's possible, I'm extremely tone deaf 😔)

Hope you have a wonderful wonderful day/afternoon/evening/night- and stay safe, healthy and hydrated :)

Alr I'll see myself out-

[shearmouth]

Just a little rant bc it's been bothering me for days and I figure there's some people on this hellsite who know exactly what I'm talking about.

I have h-EDS. I'm lucky– it's mild to moderate compared to what some zebras deal with. I can work, I can do most of the things I enjoy, even though I pay for them in extra pain every time. I don't consider myself disabled. I have a connective tissue disorder that leaves me in low-level pain pretty much all the time, and restful nights of sleep are rare because of sleep apnea and TMJ strain so bad I've broken teeth and sprained my jaw in the night, and generally my noodle ligaments make life hell, but I have been able to retain pretty much all of my function. For that I am intensely grateful, and I try not to be frozen with terror at what the future may hold.

I work a highly physical job. It keeps me strong but it's hard on the body, and I'm working on transitioning to a more balanced work life. I'm a stablehand at a high-end horse boarding facility. Some of the horses there are worth half a mil on the hoof. The board bill per month for the nicer barn is more than double my rent. People there own tack that's worth more than I make in a year.

I try not to be bitter, but as someone who works 2.5 jobs and often does 5 hour walking tours on one of those jobs after working 10 hours in the roaring southern summer heat on the other, and someone who's longed for her own horse and financial security her entire life, it gets to me sometimes. When these women roll up in their BMWs and their $300 Free Ride britches like it's chump change to them, and I'm starting to limp because I've walked 10 miles already today and lifted 400lbs worth of shit as I clean up after their horses for $17.15 an hour.

One of those women commented on my knee the other day. When I woke up, it hurt. I thrash in my sleep a lot so I probably pranged it. I taped it because it hurt.

She asked how I hurt it. I waved it off and said "Oh, I have a joint disorder" like I always do in surface-level interactions because I find it's the simplest way to sum up the most obvious symptoms of h-EDS.

That's all I said. In return, she told me flippntly, "Oh, you have a lot of joints so you have a lot to look forward to. Welcome to life. You're active, at least, so that will help."

I walked away. I had work to do, unlike her, and if I said what I wanted to, I'd get a word from my higher-ups, though they would probably agree with me. One of the drawbacks of charging 2k a month in board–we have to kiss ass to these people often.

I walked away. She walked back to her pair of $50,000 imported warmbloods, oblivious to how I told her to fuck herself under my breath, because how dare she. How dare she tell me "welcome to life" like she had any fucking clue about mine. That I lose more than half my paycheck to rent and medical copays. That I subluxated my shoulder the worst I ever have when I reached into my locker a few months ago. That I can't afford the kind of treatment that would significantly reduce my daily pain because I don't have the kind of money she does. That I grapple all the time with what life may look like when I'm 30, 40, 50– how I may have deteriorated by then, how I may have to heavily modify the things I love, if not lose them entirely, to this disorder I was born with.

Yet here I am, working 10 hours in 90 degree southern heat on a taped-up knee, because it's how I survive. Because it's how I keep a roof over my head. I don't know her life either–maybe there was a time when she had to struggle too. But she sure as shit isn't now, not in the way I do, and in that moment I viscerally hated her for trivializing my pain like that. My stark reality– that every day, on some level, is a fight. That it could get worse, and it probably will, and I'll need to adjust again and again and again and pray that I don't lose what I love. And on some level I still hate her for it.

So fuck her and fuck all of them– the people who tell you "welcome to life." That you're too young to have a bad back or who tell you to "just stop doing that" when you tell them that "that" hurts. Who try to wave it off like it's a minor inconvenience, like the throbbing at the base of my skull and behind my eyes that makes me curl up and cry is no more worthy of attention than a parking ticket.

It's not trivial. It's not inconvenient. It's just "just life." It's my life, and it contains battles won and lost that she had no concept of, and lacked the mental flexibility to even imagine.

So fuck her. Fuck all of them.

[platypusplayhere]

Thank you @dangerliesbeforeyou for tagging me, im mentioning all kinds of media bc I love to rant, I have a lot of love in my heart and I have trouble choosing just 8: (im making this on mobile hope it's readable).

Howl's moving castle (2004)

My first experience of gender envy, gender fascination, gender emulation for Howl, at a time I didn't even know that gender was a thing because I was like idek 7 years old.

Kiss of the rabbit god (2019)

A short movie, stumbled onto it bc of Tumblr. You honour, I simply love it.

Shrek (2001)

I'm not being ironic I'm very serious about this one. My mom used to braid my hair weekly when I was little and I constantly played this one, I know it by heart and I'm not joking. I freaking love this movie. Same goes for Mulan, Beauty and the beast, Charlie and the chocolate factory, and the whole Shrek franchise up to the 3rd one. (Gotta watch Puss in boots 1 and 2 tho.)

V for vendetta (2005)

This is a shout-out to 14 years old me who might have at some point based their personality around this movie or maybe they didn't, who's to say. I'm not sorry. Kinda still like it tho.

Corpse bride (2005)

There is an independent cinema in my hometown and they did run it often over the years. Bestie I don't know how many times I went to see this movie with my mother as a child. Recently learned about the Jewish origins of this myth and im a lil upset about the stolen storyline without the context. But some will say it's a Burton movie and they're right.

Valentine's day (2011)

First movie I went to see alone with my friends, I was like 12yo. Rewatched it again like 2 years ago, yeah it ain't that great but it's the memories right.

Father and soldiers (2022)

The last movie that made me cry. I hate war movies but my friends convinced me to go because it was less than 2 hours and I've been mad at movies being more than two and a half hours lately (looking at u House of Gucci, Doctor Strange 2) yeah, I cried my eyes out. It's not a perfect movie but the message is great and very moving. I don't like the English title because the original/French title directly refers the name of a group of African soldier recruited by France in its colonies during WWI -> "Les Tirailleurs" (if I remember well, the soldiers were recruited in every colonies but they left Africa from the Senegal and so all these soldiers are referred as Senegalese regardless of their actual origins). The English title is more fitting thematically wise I'll give you that.

Fulmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (2009)

Knew about it, was recommended by a dear mutual of mine on this very hellsite and yeah, ppl keep saying it's good because it just is.

I told sunset about you/ I promised you the moon (2020-2021)

If you read my tags u know how I rant about this show often. Watched it 2 years ago thanks to someone i follow on Tumblr (but im not really sure who it was anyway if you're a mutual thank you sm). My first foray into BL (back when I didn't even know what it was) and I couldn't be happier that I started with this. I don't have enough words to praise it. (currently writing a post about it tho, stay tuned for whenever I get around to finish it (tell me if u wanna know when it's up), big up to Bad Buddy and To My Star too)

Honoured mentions bc I started making a list and had more than 8 and couldn't not mention them:

Other movies: O'brother, Love and Leashes, God's own country, Jackie Brown, The big lebowsky (idek if I like this movie but I needed something to base my personality around when I was 15yo)

The book The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo, I'm gonna keep my rant about how the English title is a misunderstanding of the book locked and not even start it.

Alice isn't dead and The Magnus archives (although they're podcasts and I haven't quite finished them, the first seasons are exquisite)

Welcome to Night Vale, I have a lot of episodes to catch up on (currently working on that) started listening like in 2016 then stopped around idek 2 years ago. Some of these episodes are masterpieces ( some I know by heart: Guidelines for disposal, Love is a shambling thing, What happened at the Smithwick House, If he had lived, and The Pilot ofc)

the ballet Swan Lake (1995, 2012) by Matthew Bourne. I don't have enough words. I'll just say it's on youtube.

.....and many more im not think abt rn

*acts surprised* this became a real long post, real quick

(That's why I take a lot of time to answer those lmao, shout out and thank you to the ppl who tag me in these and then I take a lot of time to answer)

Tagging these people and anyone who wants to do it can mention me: @sherlockig @dontbesoevil @lordmeowdemort @namelessbeing @hairbackc0llarup @comrademichael @johnlockdynamic @lovelywickedsoul @frenchsiren

[averysmolbear]

Hi. I’m in a shitty mood so I’m just going to drop a little rant about assholes on this hellsite because I’m tired of seeing people I follow and especially people who are my mutuals dealing with these things. So if you don’t like rants, look away. And especially look away if you don’t like swearing because I’m about to drop a bit of that in what I have to say. And I’ll even place it behind a “read more” for everyone.

So do people just really not have hobbies anymore? Or is going around sending anon hate and other anon fuckery to people (especially POCs) their hobby? Is going around reporting people’s fics, even when they’re properly tagged or even when they’re not even “mature” the latest thing? Because the amount of times I have seen assholes clearly leaving shit for people on anon (and I’m sure the people I follow and my moots don’t even respond to most of that hate) seems to be getting worse. Add to it the reporting of fics and I just have to question why.

Are there people who are that bored that this is what they want to do with their days? Just sprinkling fuckery around to ruin someone else’s day? When I have a bad day, I want to run around and send lovely messages to the people I appreciate around here. I just cannot comprehend why people act like this.

Scroll past things you don’t want to see. Block tags that you don’t want to see. Block people that you don’t want to see. And maybe actually be fucking kind to others for once.

Okay, well, here’s a cute dog gif to make up for my ranting. 😊 I hope everyone has a wonderful day/night/whatever.

[thegoodceai]

Five players wow! Thats a lot to convert to the "Devil's Game" I love that, congrats! From the handful of games I've gotten to play, I've flipped back and forth between using content that I've made for Stories and using the things that happened to place in the Stories; have you gotten to flesh out more of your fantasy adventure through dnd or vice versa?

Yesss, IF so goood. I'm definitely gonna check out those, I've had Project Hadea cross my dash a couple of times but as always know Of things not what they're about, but if u like em I definitely gotta check em out ^-^. The Passenger was a surprise hit for me, I personally suck at replaying for multiple endings/routes but that one I definitely wanna.

Ayyo! Nice! Even if nothings out yet, I still know it takes a lot of effort and ye is hard to even work up the confidence to put it out there, so I'm proud of you! I can't wait! If nothing else you'll have at least one fan, and it's always good even if you're just making it for yourself <3. Woulddd/have you considered making it an IF or do you have a more 'linear' story in mind?

Oooo nioce! I've saved scummed, and crash and stuck in sidestep is Rough, omg the good/bad angst lol. I've played twice but keep being 'too bad' for folks to want to bust sidestep out lul. I loveee reluctant villains, they're so good. I'm a big fan of playing sidestep as 'fated' but reluctant, like feels they can't stop but wants someone (cough ortega) to stop them. I've tiptoed into the fully evil sidestep, it's veryyyy rough but if you love angst I highly recommend, oh jeez just the reactions.

I feel u lol. We tend to name pets along with food names, but the hilarity of a Cat named like Kevin is just too great. Clementine is a beautiful name and a dumb orange cat would be grateful to have it lol.

Ahh fair enough. It sounds like it was a good series for the time, at the very least a good stepping stone and formative! I'm interested to see how much that might be reflected in your own writing. At the very least, thank you for sharing how important it is/was to you <3 :))).

Again thank yew for answering my questions and replying to all my paragraphs with paragraphs lol

asdfaf yeah, i love my friends to death but they are Chaotic players. it's been a journey. if nothing else, i've learned quite a bit of improv, and fleshing out our homebrew setting helped me organize my writing quite a bit (especially my outlines). for the most part, i try to keep stuff separate tho, even if sometimes some things bleed over (like, NPC traits, or city structures or stuff like that), but the stories are completely different in both the general setting, and the vibes.

Project Hadea just updated and i read it last night and. god. so good. definitely check it out.

it started out as a linear story, and mostly for fun, but the more i added to it, the more other possible outcomes and scenarios started to make themselves known and. i am kinda considering making it into IF format. idk yet, i am waiting to have it more fleshed out (like, actually written, not just outlines and bulletpoints and scenes that aren't yet tied to each other)

aaaah the good angst. i will definitely play an evil route with sidestep. hopefully soon, i started replaying Baldur's Gate again and the Hyperfixation is. very strong.

unfortunately naming pets with human names seems to start to be a tradition with my friends. we already have a cat in the group named Mike (he truly is the definition of no thoughts, head empty. i love my furry nephew so much). some other friends recently rescued a stray kitty and named her Maia (which we all know several people with that name). the other pets that are relatively close to the group are either named after food, or have very literal cat and dog names (my aunt got a cat and she named him Motan. which is just "male cat" in romanian. truly like naming your cat Cat)

thank u for being so indulging lol <3 it's been fun to rant with someone on this hellsite again 🖤🖤🖤

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 192

Heaven Can’t Wait/The Bells of Saint John

“Heaven Can’t Wait”

Plot Description: Dean and Castiel investigate a series of spontaneous human combustions, while Crowley helps Sam and Kevin translate an ancient tablet

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: idk what that dude’s whole thing is, but…I don’t think I could stop him if he wanted to explode me

Cas studying and imitating human behavior is adorable. You are CORRECT, miss manager lady, he IS special!! 💖

GWORL. I know you got a crush but holy shit. Wait…no. She…might not? The kiss was confusing but I think she actually wants Cas to babysit for a date she’s going on

Why are the splattered remains Barbie pink??

GWORL (Dean), you didn’t just wanna bail on research. You wanted to see your boyfriend

Well, damn, if an angel came and exploded me any time I exaggeratedly said I wanna die?? Yikes.

I’m sorry. Dean. You don’t get to be like this about Cas’s situation when you kicked him out of the bunker…

I can’t believe Sam is actively manipulating Crowley….yeah.

Dean, you get NO SAY in what Castiel is going through unless you take him back to the bunker. He is doing his best with what little people skills he has. He is content right now

Yeah. He’s being called in to babysit

He has responsibilities, DEAN. Like cleaning the restroom

Can you spit out why it’s so bad BEFORE what would be a commercial break? No? Cool.

Omg…Dean telling Cas how to dress for this (not-a-)date

It’s gonna hurt to watch Cas get shut down……..at least Dean won’t be there to watch exactly…

Don’t worry, Cas, it WAS a confusing proposition. I get she was excited for her date, but she shouldn’t have kissed you.

It’s sick and twisted that Crowley wants to use Kevin’s blood to call Abaddon. He should not have to go through this…

Castiel is adorably bad with this baby. He’s TRYING but like………oh. No. He’s not bad with her, she really likes him. I…this is so cute. He can weirdly relate so much to being new to being a human.

No no nonononoooooo. The angel who’s been exploding people found Cas by the amount of emotional pain he’s in

Omg Abaddon is so hot

Literally could not care less if everything she does gets labeled wrong by the story. Don’t care that Crowley gets mad that she’s invalidating his contracts and that she’s screwing up hell. She can do whatever she wants

Bets on whether Metatron’s spell being permanent:

1) actually IS permanent, and

2) is a thing Dean tells Cas RIGHT NOW instead of keeping it a secret?

Do you have a crush on him NOW, miss manager lady???

Yeah. Kinda knew Dean wasn’t gonna be the MOST upfront

Hmmm…I’m betting this isn’t a “I want to FEEL human again” blood injection. It’s probably a “if I’m human again I can escape this bunker” one

“The Bells of Saint John”

Plot Description: The Doctor’s search for Clara Oswald brings him to modern day London

(There’s a lot to hate about the Big Bang Theory but I will never fault the show for pointing out that, though the Doctor has access to all of space and time, he sure does like modern day London (or sometimes Wales) a whole lot)

Oh yOuR sOuL’s BeEn UpLoAdEd To ThE iNtErNeT?? Kay…what else is new?? And why are you clicking on weird wifi networks? Did no one teach you anything?? And like…SO MANY people did that

This episode is making me so angry…just as someone who spent most of their day with our IT department trying to get them to take me seriously about my persistent internet issues. Yes, the internet SHOULD JUST BE THERE. I wish I knew why it isn’t but I am also not an IT specialist. (I could spend the next hour ranting about how I cried on the phone because I couldn’t get them to do anything beyond basic troubleshooting and then the second it was back for even a moment they were like ‘well, now I can’t escalate it because it’s back. If it happens again, call back’ even though that WAS a call back because I’d had the same issue the night before…..but I do need to actually watch this episode)

Ah, damn, Clara, you clicked the wrong WiFi……

Ugh…they’re doing it again. They’re too much alike. Not to rush Matt’s time but I need it to be Peter Capaldi now.

These people remind me too much of Naomi and her reign over heaven in spn

Bestie, RUN.

Maybe if the Doctor had gotten a tonsure, he’d think monks are cool

I do like the little flair the bottom of the Doctor’s jacket has now. It’s a twirly jacket

Ohhhhhh there really isn’t anything like a freshly opened package of jammy dodgers though

This is framed in a way that’s supposed to be cute and because it’s the Doctor, WE know she’s actually safe but if a strange man broke into my home after something happened to me, carried me to my bed, laid out snacks, took all my messages for me (including interacting with people close to me), and then told me NOW I was safe…I would not think I was safe. Also, the music is rather romcom-y and that’s weird because he’s several hundred years older than her

“I can’t tell the future, I just work there” is a really good line though

Ok no. This is creepy af. People should not be hackable

Is…the great intelligence behind this?? The bad guy from the last episode?

Oh these people are going to regret taking the Doctor’s likeness to get to Clara

I miss when the Doctor was a little less of an action hero. He shouldn’t be allowed to ride a motorcycle up the side of a building

I was RIGHT?? The Great Intelligence was behind it?? HOW LONG WAS HE KEEPING THAT WOMAN HOSTAGE?? HOW LONG HAD SHE BEEN HACKED?? She sounded like a little kid when she came to

[becaexists]

Me: no I'm totally fine what makes you think somethings wrong?

Also me but the more logical bit: we binge watched a ton of old nyxrising vlogs and Julian's talk about gender identity because our parents are being mean about our gender, neurodivergency and the fact we don't have a job so we're distracting ourself with the fantasy of having a queer family that actually loves us for us, not what we can pretend to be or how quickly we can be independent

Me: oh

[thewhitefluffyhat]

Thoughts on Gideon the Ninth

This post isn’t an analysis or even truly a review. It’s more like a loose collection of thoroughly subjective opinions on random aspects of the book. It exists mostly to provide context on any other posts I make.

But it also exists because I can never get enough of reading about other people’s experiences with fiction I enjoy, so it felt right to contribute my own post in return. :)

My first exposure to this series was definitely through tumblr. I came in already familiar with the whole “lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space” description, and it felt like half the people I followed on this hellsite were into the series. (Since reading the books and being able to recognize the characters more, I’ve found that the true amount is closer to 3/4, heh.)

Other vague details about this series I’d absorbed through General Tumblr Osmosis: I knew the main protagonist was a badass lesbian with a Cool Sword (nice), I knew there was some kind of enemies-to-lovers-ish arc (awesome, my fave dynamic), I knew there was someone named Ianthe who had a skeleton arm and was the Worst (rad, couldn’t wait to meet her), and also something something homebrew lobotomy in the second book(what???)? It all added up to quite the intriguing picture!

I then bought GtN as a Christmas present for myself last December. After having a very disappointing (and frustratingly queerbait-y) experience in my last fandom, I was feeling burnt out and extremely cynical. I’d said at that time that it’s foolish to trust writers who aren’t queer to do justice by queer characters… meaning, it was long past time I got around to reading a bunch of queer books by queer authors that I’d seen widely recommended but had passed on because I majored in Anime Nerd.

As it happened, I started reading the book one random Friday afternoon sometime during the holidays. 

I then proceeded to not put it down until literally 9 a.m. the following morning.

Now, to be fair, reading through the night and past sunrise isn’t super uncommon for me, but it doesn’t just happen for anything. (This also meant I got to the real juicy horror bits at like 4 a.m., an experience I can highly recommend.)

And after I finished the book… I took a deep breath, went to bed, and spent the next afternoon ranting to my little brother as I tried to iron out some rather mixed thoughts!

Things I took a while to warm up to:

-I know lots of people love Gideon as a narrator and protagonist - and very deservedly so, since sympathetic yet unapologetically butch protagonists like her are so woefully rare! - but she actually didn’t click with me at first, haha.

-As a sex-averse-ish ace, and as someone whose prior experiences with horny protagonists in published fiction has mostly been of the Gross Anime Dude variety, I absolutely did not know what to make of Gideon’s very openly lesbian brain. I kept expecting her to turn around and slap me in the face by abruptly becoming an unlikeable creep (see: Keiichi, Battler). 

And then she… didn’t? What? A horny protagonist that didn’t make me want to stab my eyes out? Even after I finished the book, I was struggling to wrap my head around that aspect of her. (Even now, I’m still not sure I can put my finger on what makes her so different from an Awful Anime Dude - but I suspect it’s in the way that Gideon is so kind and genuinely respectful of other people’s boundaries. No random humiliation-as-titillation jokes here!)

-Meanwhile another thing I had a hard time with was - and this will sound exceptionally silly - oh boy I am so very much not an athlete and I love magic and magic worldbuilding. So for me, a significant part of the book was mentally wanting to shake Gideon and yell at her to Pay Attention to the Necromancy Dammit! It’s cool and interesting and I wanna to know more, sure your swords are nice but I don’t care about swords that much! XD

-And, perhaps most oddly: I did not know what to make of the main relationship arc. Because - especially at the start - Gideon and Harrow’s relationship was a lot more fraught and unequal than I was expecting. I also tend to take characters at face value about how they say they feel (until proved otherwise) - so initially, I completely believed Gideon when she narrates about how all she wants is to leave the Ninth and for Harrow to die in a fire. Which then made scenes like where she goes to save Harrow from dying in a bone cocoon seem like a very abrupt and confusing reversal, haha.

It all added up to something that didn’t quite feel like a typical enemies-to-lovers. Like it was something else that felt weirdly familiar and just on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t remember what it was…

And then after I finished the book I learned that the author was a former Homestuck and OH. They were each others’ KISMESIS! Suddenly all the pieces fell perfectly into place and I was all EXCELLENT YES GOOD CARRY ON.

-(Tangent: my experience with Homestuck is that I encountered and read through it during the Act 6 hiatus while I was on break during college. I thought it was decently interesting, enough that I stuck around to read a few fanfics afterward. Then I just moved onto other things. And nothing I’ve heard about the author or the rest of the story has really made me want to go back and finish it. *shrug*

So while I’m certainly familiar with Homestuck, I am by no means an expert or even really a true fan or anything. Homestuck appears to be one of those things you either love it or hate it, and I’m a weirdo who just finds it “okay I guess.” Honestly, I’ve found it most interesting as a thing that went on to inspire other things! *cough* Undertale *cough*)

Things that are apparently controversial but didn’t bother me:

-The writing style: Gosh, I loved Muir’s style. How to even describe it? “gothic shitpost” is what I said to my brother. A swirl of lurid, almost purple prose spiked with sudden and irreverent memes that manages to be beautiful in one moment and laugh-out-loud hilarious the next.

Of course, one of my other favorite authors is Terry Pratchett, so the idea that pulpy genre works with humorous narration can also have Big Themes and invoke genuine emotion and drama didn’t come as a surprise for me in the slightest.

What maybe did surprise me a little was how… comfortable? this narrative style felt for me. I had been reading tumblr posts for years before I even made an account, and I’d been reading fanfiction even longer. So for me, the “unusual” slant of Muir’s writing wasn’t unusual at all. It was more of a slow realization of  “ahh. one of My People.”

-I’ve seen some people turned off by the way these books throw you in at the worldbuilding deep end and expect you to roll with it. But as I was reading, I didn’t even notice it, let alone register it as something to be bothered by? Diving in headfirst and learning the LoreTM as I go along is how I approach a lot of things, heh. Did I know the meaning of all the anatomy terms being tossed around? Hell no, but as long as I could make a decent assumption from context, that was fine by me!

(Not knowing much anatomy does, however, mean that writing fanfic for this series is going to be… just a little intimidating. eep. ^^;)

-The elephant impaled on a fence post in the room: Gideon’s death. So fair’s fair, I sure do love me some Angst and Suffering (see also: everything else on this blog). However, had I read the book on release, then the blatant Bury Your Gays might have made me more pessimistic and nervous (especially after those previously mentioned bad experiences…). But luckily I didn’t do that. I went into this book with the knowledge that the series continued and people were still raving about it. So I was willing to extend the author a tiny bit of trust.

Plus, of course, there was all the necromancy! Bury Your Gays, meet a very determined girl with a magic shovel. (See also: Madoka Magica Rebellion, which may merit a whole comparison post… but that’s for HtN and another time.)

-So yeah. I finished Gideon the Ninth, poured out all my jumbled feels and confusion to my little brother… and then put the series aside. Like, sure, I quite enjoyed it, and the writing/worldbuilding was so good that I was interested to read more eventually. But I wasn’t, like, obsessed or frothing at the mouth to read the sequel. I very rarely buy books for myself these days, and I had other things I was doing at the time. Like still attempting to write my Higurashi fanfic… :,)

Next time: Harrow the Ninth

[sundayinthcpark]

okay ik twitter is a hellsite (derogatory) rather than this hellsite (affectionate) but also i made a lot of friends on twitter and it’s one of the easiest apps for me to just say whatever and i’m sure we’re all just being dramatic but also what the hell am i supposed to do if it shuts down. what about my threads of the best fanfics i’ve ever read. what about my little art updates that i only let a couple people on my priv see because i hate my art. what about #blueheartsforflarke 💙 or seeing rachel zegler talk to vee and fran and getting excited. posting on my incorrect quotes accounts and seeing brick retweet every one of them. being ‘miller’s #1 fan’ to match his ‘gal’s #1 fan.’ what about all the time i spend making cute layouts and putting fun quotes in my bio. what about snek and celio and stephen yelling about ironstrange to me. no one talks to me on this hellsite (which tbh i’m kinda okay with it’s sometimes nice just talking into the void) but i have friends on twitter. ann and miller and brick and celio and snek and stephen and dorian. and definitely some other people. but like. the point is i don’t know how to not be on twitter anymore and if i have to i might cry. like that’s where i met annie and froot and zayna and leah too, that’s where i ranted about the fucking west wing and spider-man and kingsman and madam secretary and the 100. pls, that’s how i fucking fell in love with my best friend, was because of twitter. without that stupid hellsite the two of us wouldn’t be best friends. which is wild. anyway. having an existential crisis on my way to the airport how’s your night going?

[duckymcdoorknob]

I’m sorry.

But I have to get this off my chest.

It’s put me in such a bad depression that I can’t do basic things anymore.

Even doing comforting things doesn’t work for me.

I just have to do my Gov that’s due at midnight then I’m leaving to come here all night.

I don’t want to sleep. I want time to feel better.

CW BELOW!!! Bulimia, Ed talk, Ed rant, wacky shit.

My best friend of eight years outed my eating disorder at lunch today.

So basically she was trying to be helpful. She offered me pocky sticks and just said “here.”

And pockys are #1 gross to me since I developed it, and #2 the worst thing I could’ve possibly had in the moment. They’re pure sugar and processed and kinda yucky.

So I said no with a disgusted face.

She proceeded to shake them at me and said quite loudly “eat them since you don’t have anything for lunch again.”

And another one of my homies, who knows, was like “you don’t have anything for lunch?? 🥺”

Before I could reply with “oh I just forgot it in the car” . she even louder said “Nope. She never has anything for lunch ever and she won’t have any energy.”

Everyone at the table perked up and listened as she berated me about how I wouldn’t have anything to eat until 4:00 at night. And how I “literally come to lunch every single day without a single thing to eat”

(As if that isn’t what I do every fucking day)

So guilt tripping me is her best solution to something I can’t control??

It wouldn’t have bothered me as much if it was just all the close homies at the table, but it wasn’t.

We had 3 new people sitting at our table that day, and the other tables were in close enough vicinity to us to hear her.

I mean she was loud. She was almost yelling at me.

Anyone with their fucking ears tuned into the world could’ve heard it.

So that’s up to 10+ more people who could know now.

Shit actually it’s probably closer to 15 and I think my dean of students was walking by our table.

So my hellsite paradise may be short lived if he finds out and tells guidance. Bc guidance knowing is a 1 way ticket to the funny farm.

It put me in such a god awful mood that I couldn’t do anything but come home and sleep.

I tried to watch an episode of Big Windup, something that has always INSTANTLY lightened my mood.

Nothing.

I don’t feel sad, not hurt, not betrayed, not angry.

I haven’t cried, doesn’t seem like I will.

I just feel fucking numb.

Empty

Stoic.

I could’ve gone to bed for the night at 4:30

Easily

It felt fine that I hadn’t had anything to eat all day.

It felt good

It felt great to know that I was taking the steps I could to lose weight.

(To answer your questions, yes. I’ve had dinner today. Pizza and a banaenae 🥸)

It felt amazing.

Knowing I was on the road to be small.

On the road to get rid of my mom’s off handed comments.

But the thing is? She knows it’s a disorder.

I’ve told her that I most likely have bulimia nervosa. I’ve been on a binge and restrict cycle since October.

The silly goofy thing also: I think she thinks I’m doing it for attention or something.

It’s not my fucking decision [Redacted], I’m sick.

Why does it have to be this way?

Something that’s supposed to keep me healthy and alive is the thing I dread the most.

It’s become the worst part of my day, so I can only stand to do it once before I tap out.

The word “eat” and all forms of it make me want to cry

The word “food” or any noun that fits under that criteria makes me fucking gag.

The smell of anything warm makes me sick.

I have no safe foods, just shit I force down so I don’t fucking die or get arrhythmias.

I thought I could trust her.

She doesn’t even seem to actually care.

She never seemed to from the beginning

I don’t want to give her the silent treatment or anything because then she’s just going to black sheep me and make it my fault again.

I’m so tired of this, you guys.

Why the fuck can’t I be normal?

Remember when I was dreading going back after break? This is fucking why.

This is Ducky, signing off for a few hours.

[simon-newman]

A lot of the slavery seems forced and it's a cheap plot tool to put people on the same team and avoid making MC a Gary Stu by having girls just "take a liking to him" and suddenly they're on the team.

And it goes both ways - I recall at least 2 titles where isekai'd man was born into slavery.

And what is Saito other than a magic slave in everything but name?

What this unfortunate trope exposes is how some people have no understanding how world works - I've seen multiple moronic takes on the subject on this very hellsite - people suggesting how a "Real good MC" should "solve" the slavery problem if he really cared. Those suggested "solutions" I've seen ranged from "start a revolution" to "start buying and immediately freeing all the slaves he can" which... There are so many reasons why this just wouldn't work - I'm astonished people lack the understanding as to why.

In fact - I've read a novel last year that actually tackled the issue. I was even going to write a longer rant about the novel itself but it got buried in my growing mountain of drafts.

Anyway. In "Revenge of the Soul Eater" - stay with me for a bit here - MC buys a slave for only one reason - to cause outrage and provoke his old party members. In short - he has her keep moaning in the night (while not doing anything lewd to her) so that his old teammates would challenge him to a duel over her freedom.

After he gets what he wants he has no more use for her and offers to free her on the spot. An offer she refuses.

We are then given a chapter from her PoV and a good explanation. She's the oldest daughter from a family with multiple children where the father lost a limb and is no longer capable to provide for them. Until her brother comes of age and is able to work himself they have no income. Selling her into slavery got that family enough money to survive for 3 years. By that time another daughter will come of age and she can be sold - that money should be enough for them to survive before the oldest son comes of age.

"Just freeing her" far away from home just leaves a vulnerable girl alone in an unfamiliar environment and if she returns the money won't last the family long enough - she'll need to sell herself AGAIN to a new and possibly worse master. Meanwhile her current master allows her to gain job experience and a part of income her work earns - allowing her to send more money home.

(He still frees her a bit later and simply allows her to stay as a full time employee once his plans reach the stage where he basically runs an independent clan of adventurers)

I understand that the subject of slavery is very iffy especially in America but this was reality for a lot of societies before modern age - especially in terms of debt slavery and I think tackling it in the right way can do some good. The lack of understanding I've mentioned above is a good reason. If you think "just freeing slaves on the spot" in such setting is a solution then I'm sorry but you have little imagination as to what would happen to those people.

If people won't touch history books on the subject perhaps a decent explanation provided by fiction can give them an idea on how things would work.

The alternative is an idealistic, escapist reality where such things as poverty don't really exist. Which is also fine for fiction but not all fiction should be idealistic in that manner.

Well. You could also forget slavery and just show the poor families just starving in the slums of medieval/fantasy setting - in the same manner no MC in such stories would be able to help all of those people and I am sure this would cause another outrage because nobody wants to read about poor people starving to death in their fiction.

as someone who only read otome isekai genuinely wtf is going on in "men's" isekai variation 😭

[gustingirl]

hi nella <3

i have a fluffy little request :)

i'm not feeling too great at the minute, like i'm so emotionally drained and am in a bit of a panicky limbo. i'm currently unemployed and am trying desperately to find a job, and i'm feeling like a huge burden to my parents because, at the moment, they are my financial support (i'm only nineteen, but i feel like i should have my shit together, ya know?)

anyway, could you possibly throw something together about how jake might comfort me and help me through it?

i hope you're having a wonderful day/night

much love, stressed anon :)

p.s. i am absolutely love your blog <3 one of my favourite on this hellsite

ok seeing someone address me on the interney by name will always be a weird but beautiful experience.

i want to post this for you because this ask made my heart warm, but it'll be short, i fear

so jake comforting you:

- i truly feel he understands other people's emotions pretty well, so i can imagine him feeling your pain even if he never went through it, like it's incredible how understanding he is

- something inside me believes he would try to give you a bit of a lecture, not much attacking you, but more like letting you know with words why he believes you're not a burden

- in times where others are not positive, i see jake taking that role, so i can only imagine him saying positive things to you, as lecturing and also like random compliments, you know?

- in physical love, jake would want you to get distracted, and i can see him using his own body for it. if you're in the mood for sex, great. but if not, he would probably want you to sit down with him and do whatever as long as your mind is busy.

- though i imagine him laying down with you, taking a nap or watching a movie, i can see him wanting to play games for some reason. board games or not, like he would want to hear you laugh and so he would bring up all sorts of games to play together.

- random dates? like out of nowhere he's taking you on a hike with him, next thing you know you're going to whatever restaurant you choose, also let's visit the casino and see if we win anything, just random spontaneous adventures to get you off your head.

- his biggest mission would be to change your mind but, upon not being able to (it's a very hard mission for anybody), jake would change his mission to make you smile or laugh, both if it's possible.

- what i mostly feel with jake is that he would first let you vent, rant, cry all you want cuz he knows you need it. he would prioritize you unleashing everything that's bugging you before anything else. then, he proceeds to show you his point of view, whether you care or not, he wants you to know his opinion. finally, once all conversations have been done, it's distraction time. he's working his ass off to distract your mind as much as possible.

- little extra: he would bring josh along the way at some point, mostly to see if he could light you up a bit, but this would only happen if he sees you're not getting better or if he runs out of ideas.

i'm here for you, if you ever need anything! i hope you feel better, and i love you so much!

[binch-i-might-be]

IM GONNA CRY I TYPED AN ENTIRE ASK ABOUT THIS BEFORE AND TUMBLR FUCKED UP YOU PIECE OF SHIT MY BRAIN IS A FUCKING WAR ZONE RIGHT NOW WITH NEURONS SCREAMING AND WHIZZING YOU THINK I CAN ARTICULATE MY MIND ENOUGH TO DO THIS AGAIN???

No but I will ❤️

Okay so I've been thinking™ about the reincarnation au particularly about the one where gwash kills John (fun I know). My brain has been hyperfixating and I've been crying. Serotonin who? Haven't seen that bitch in a month 🥰🥰

So I do need time to properly articulate my thoughts but here's some shit I have so far

Alex practically lives with John for a while after finding him because he needs time to process all this and figure out how to face everything at home

John calling Alex "darling" softly while absolutely clinging to him and Alex almost sobbing and saying "do that again. Call me darling again"

They're all over each other's social medias (also applies for normal reincarnation au. I have some specific posts in mind but will need time to properly think about them and explore them)

God the dynamic between Alex and Gwash is so fucking complicated and so interesting and something I want to explore when my head isn't fucking pounding.

Alex has a Tumblr (fight me on this) and Patsy and Jacky absolutely hunt it down because he's been posting about John and following each and every update and they're just happy for him while they also miss him. They keep Martha and George updated on him from time to time too because they are worried. Not a lot, just that he's alive and fine.

Alex has Trauma from all that and like eventually he's not like in the same place as John for the night (I don't know how to phrase this arghhhh. Does he go back? Where is he? No clue) and he has a nightmare about losing John all over again and straight up panicking. The nightmares aren't unusual ofc it's just they were there for each other during the others. Now Alex is like panic™ and he calls John in the middle of the night and they both fall asleep on the call

John cannot be in the same room as Gwash without sort of freaking out at first.

Okay good night I'm very tired ❤️ (so sorry for this oof)

OH NO 😭 HELLSITE OUR BELOATHED

what a wonderful thing to fixate on /j but yeah I get that! we are nearing the anniversary of me writing bud bloom wither and I mean I was basically fixating on an au about a dead baby for a month straight lmao

ok ok hrhskdhfjf let's go gays

yeah absolutely. he can't be home right now, and he ESPECIALLY can't be away from John right now

OUCH. ALSO YES

yeah!!!! they're annoyingly in love and both of them will just post random pics of the other because like. look??? at their boyfriend??? look how pretty?? b o y f r i e n d (omg feel free to share once you're ready!!)

hhhh yeah it's. fucked. it's fucked! because that's his dad and he loves his dad but 200 years ago he took the most important thing in Alex's life from him. he thinks he can understand why he did it; he wanted to protect him, he always just wanted to protect him, but this is unforgivable. they aren't the same people as they were back then, but still. how is he supposed to move past this. he can't force his boyfriend to make nice with the man who murdered him. he won't.

no you're correct, of course he does! I think Patsy probably already follows him, but she won't give Jack the url until she's entirely certain he's on their side. they're just looking at his incoherent shitposting broken up by rants about how much he loves his boyfriend and going "yeah he's definitely alive" to their parents lmao

awww baby :( baby boy :( maybe they go on facetime and John looks all soft and sleepy and it calms Alex down immediately. meanwhile John wishes he could reach out and wipe Alex's tears :((

understandable! he probably tries to be chill because on some level he doesn't want to admit that he's affected by this, but. no no he cannot be in a room with gwash, he can't.

ahhh get well soon!!!! <33

[j-reau]

a hiatus or something

I didn’t want to post this. I told myself to give it until morning and sleep but I’ve been laying here for over an hour and I can’t sleep and I know I’m not going to sleep until I get it out. And I decided I’m not going to do the pretend things don’t bother us mentality that tumblr likes, the don’t show emotions on the dashboard, don’t let people know you’re hurt or angry out of fear it’ll be seen as ~drama or whatever thing stop me from just saying how I feel. Because I feel pretty shitty? I’ve been feeling shitty for a few days now. Maybe more. Last week I told myself that the drama that had randomly cropped up was just too much and I wasn’t going to let tumblr be something that made me cry or panic or kept me up at night over bullshit like arguing with someone over things that happened years ago. So I set my focus on my friends, on my dashboard, on reminding myself why I love RP and why I’ve been in it for this many years, for so long, with all of these people. Those Valentines I posted were part of that project for me. It was a reminder, for myself and my dash about all of the human connection that happens here, all the people we meet, all the little pieces of each other we take on and take with us, all the ships, all the conversations, however brief.  From the people we just see on our dash to the ones we talk to about all our fears and insecurities. And how all of it matters. 

I know how much we all love to say calm down gregg, it’s tumblr RP. I know how we all loathe this hellsite when we’re being our worst. I know how we all talk about how we’re too old for this now or we’re tired. We’re just here to write. I’m just here to write. I love writing. But what brings us all back time and time again, what keeps us here is the fact that it’s not just tumblr RP. It’s a community. Whether you have a real life that keeps you busy or your whole life is here, whether you have plenty of friends offline or all your closes people live on discord, we’re all people. And we all take this with us. We make friendships and we talk to each other. We open ourselves up to the constant trust and fear of interaction, of  plotting, of who is going to reach out or send the meme. We build friendships based on that, we care for each other, we see each other’s bad days on the dash, and great days and inspiration. And it means something. It may just be tumblr RP, but it matters to us. Because of the people here, because we give a fuck about each other. Or at least I’ve always liked to hope we do. I have friends on this website I’ve had for ten years, some just for 3, and others just a few months. It always floors me how we can always come back to it, how we stick with each other or don’t, how we see the good and the bad and the ugly. 

So to get on with it, I wrote those Valentines.  I hit refresh on my blog and put the weird random drama in the past and moved forward. I made this blog for JJ only about 3 months ago. I don’t know how I got 500 followers in that short time but I did. And it’s. been the wildest experience I can possibly explain, having that happen so quickly, finding so many people out in the RPC that I hadn’t before on my other blogs. I felt fucking good. I was excited. Not just to write a character I had wanted to and loved for years but to find so many people who I vibed with. I remember writing a post about a month in and being so fucking ... floored. By how much I loved you all, by how amazing it was to be received like that still, to find people my age and who wrote things I liked and loved their female characters. I fucking love JJ. I LOVE THE SHIT out of my partners on this blog, even the new people I’m still itching to write with. And yet, I did that little refresh, posted my valentines , got ready to go and felt .... sad. 

I tried to explain it. I tried to tell myself it was a bad mood. I hoped maybe it was medication. But I couldn’t shake the weird funk. And everywhere I looked it seemed like things were .... not good. My friends taking breaks, people feeling sad too, relationships splitting, people I liked and respected separating themselves. Tonight, one of my closest friends I’ve made on this blog blocked me. Someone I adored and trusted and absolutely loved to write with. Tumblr says we’re not supposed to care. That we’re supposed to let people draw their lines in the sand and take their leave and maybe we are. Maybe it’s important to let people make their choices. But I also think it’s important as fuck to talk to your friends, to mean what you say when you tell someone they’re important to you. I think it’s important that we remember on the other side of every blog and discord user is a person. Who has bad days and bad feelings and cries and feels insecure and tells themselves it’s just tumblr RP even when they know somehow it feels heavier when it’s bad. This was a friend I had talked to at length about all of those exact things, about how personal the community can feel sometimes, about feeling replaceable or invisible, even for the toughest most confident most take no shit people. I’ve always considered myself a pretty tough, confident, take no shit person. I think anyone who has known me for as many years as I’ve been around has seen that first hand. I don’t like how sad I’ve felt lately. I don’t like the insecurity that’s making me want to know why things feel way or why people vanish without so much as an explanation. I had to block a mutual last week I saw making fun of me on their twitter. A mutual. Someone who chose to follow me and on a public place where my other friends could see it made fun of what I posted. And I just don’t know what we’re doing anymore. It didn’t bother me. I don’t have hurt feelings over it. That’s the kind of stuff I definitely know I’m confident about. But .... it did really fucking floor me. Because here we are, on a sight where users talk about positivity and not sending anon hate, and we can treat each other like that. 

I’ve been sitting up in bed for hours trying to figure out what to say or what to do. That’s what I do I guess. I try to figure out what to do, how we fix it, like somehow there’s some unified we and some responsibility to make things better. A lot of you have only known me for a few months so this probably sounds all kinds of nuts. And you’re probably going JJ you’ve been an emotional mess since the moment we met you. Because I feel like that’s how it’s been for the last few months. But that’s not how it’s always been for me. That’s not who I am. So for now I guess I’m just trying to figure out what I do. Instead of sitting here and spinning and trying to figure out how we as a community fix these gaping holes and the way we talk about each other like we’re disposable and treat each other like names on a list instead of people. 

For now, I think what I do is take a little break. It’s the very thing I don’t want to do. Because it feels like quitting and it feels like being scared away. So I feel the need to promise whoever has read all of this and myself that that’s not what it is. Maybe I’ll be back in two days, maybe two weeks, who knows. But I need a break. From whatever this feeling is that seems to have come over things lately. I’ve loved these few months on this blog so much. And maybe that’s half the problem. Maybe I got spoiled and this is the come down. Maybe I’m just an idiot who thinks what we all want on this website is to find people and love each other and write together. I never knew that me -- the person often accused of being aloof and feelingsless and distant would somehow turn into the emotional bitch on this website but here we are I guess. I just don’t know how to navigate this anymore. I don’t know how to put my heart into relationships and friendships that can just be switched off like we can just stop caring about people. I don’t know how to ignore people who say horrible things and do horrible things to each other just because we don’t want to see it on our dashes. I don't know how to give enough of everything to everyone so that every single one of my mutuals and partners knows they’re valuable to me. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish. I don’t know when I got to be so much of a raw, frayed edge on tumblr dot com but that’s how I feel. And I hope in a few days or sometime soon I’ll have an answer or at least get my hard shell back.

I want to keep writing. I want to keep talking to you guys. I don’t want to lose anyone. I truly mean what I say when I say you’re all important to me. I plan to still be around on discord. I’ll write on discord if anyone wants to keep writing. If we aren’t discord friends yet and you want to be, send a message. I plan to come back. I don’t want to abandon anything. I’m so deeply fucking sorry for this rant, for all the overflow of feelings lately, for anyone that’s had to listen to them, for putting them on your dashes, for fucking all of it. Please be good to each other. Please talk to each other. Please remember that if we’ve crossed paths at any point on this blog, I value you. I value all of your friendships, your writing, your shitposts, your dash commentary, your tiktoks you dump at me on discord. I love you. Every last fucking one of you.