#it's not that hard to find it you look for it tho
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“o—ohhh fuck ‘renny!” you pink pedicured toes curled in ecstasy as eren slipped inside the tightness of your pussy in one go, the veins and ridges on his dick rubbing deliciously against your walls. eren let out a deep growl, his forehead falling against your shoulder, the baby hairs from his disheveled bun tickling your cheek. “s-stop squeezing me so fucking tight y/n, goddamn,” his nostrils flared, bicep tightening around your throat the tiniest bit.
he had you on your tummy, your head smushed between his arm and bicep while he took you from behind. the lack of oxygen on top of the fact that you both smoked beforehand had your head spinning. “i can’t he—help it ren m’sorryyy,” your pouting lips pressed against his arm, giving it little kisses. how cute.
eren pulled out halfway before slamming back in, his hips grinding against your ass. his strokes were nice n’ deep, his swollen tip bumping against that squishy spot that had you gasping for air. you were so soft and warm he almost didn’t wanna pull out, wanting to bask in your essence all night long. “r-ren i *hiccup*—”
“i know, baby, i knowww. hurts so good doesn’t it?”
you let out a pathetic ‘uh huhhh’, drool slipping past your lips and onto his tatted forearm. you couldn’t quite find the words to say to him, but that’s okay!! whenever he had you like this eren always did the thinking for you.
your backside pushed against his front, meeting his thrusts halfway. “thas’ right baby c’mon, fuck me back. show me how much you wanna cum,” eren slurred into your ear, his tongue lolling out to lick the shell of out. you shivered, tears slipping freely from your already bloodshot eyes.
“wanna cum so bad renny, y-you’re gonna—hah, finish in—inside right?” you were sure you’d burst into uncontrollable sobs if he denied you of the sweet feeling of filling you up with his warm cum. eren clenched his jaw impossibly tight, his dick throbbing painfully hard from your dirty mouth.
“mmph, don’t worry baby. after tonight you’re gonna be dripping my cum for days, i promise princess,” his free hand hooked two fingers in your mouth, his balls tightening when you immediately started swirling your tongue around the digits. “thounds like a dweam,” you panted against his fingers, your eyes now fluttering shut.
“uhn uhn, look at me y/n. wanna see your face when i make your pretty pussy cum,” it took all the strength you had to open your eyes and turn your head to the side but it was all worth it to see the fucked out, yet oh so slick smile on eren’s face. “tho pretty,” you moaned, nibbling on his knuckles.
embarrassingly enough you calling eren pretty had the coil in his tummy snapping, his hips snapping against your one more time as he came inside of you. his orgasm triggered your own, a symphony of moans leaving your kiss swollen lips—very loudly might i add bc eren’s a little shit and pressed down on your tongue to open your mouth wider.
“mm you like being called pretty renny?”
“shut up please.”
#i love me a good prone bone fic like idk#eren smut#eren yeager smut#eren jaeger smut#eren x black reader#eren x black fem!reader#eren yeager x black reader#eren jaeger x black reader#aot smut
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Santa Doesn't Know You Like I Do
Spencer Reid x Reader
Summary: Your first Christmas with Spencer and you get his name for secret Santa.
WC: 1.8k
Tags: Fluff, Secret Santa, friends to lovers, one use of Y/N I think A/N: Sorry I went MIA :( I got busy with school. I hope to push out many ideas while I’m on break tho. Here’s something cheesy and festive for the holiday season I hope you enjoy! (not beta read don't kill me)
Nothing was right. Nothing you found was the right present.
This was your first secret Santa with the BAU and you picked Spencer's name out of penelope’s mug. At first you thought it would be easy to buy a present for him because you knew him so well. In almost a year of being with the BAU you grew the closest with Spencer.
What you didn’t expect was your present ideas to not live up to your own expectations. Nothing you came up with could live up to your own standards. Of course your “slight” feelings for him definitely affected this, but you tried to tell yourself that wasn���t true.
You ran through dozens of ideas. Clothing, a new scarf, tickets for a play, special edition of a book he loved. But nothing felt like the right present.
You almost gave up in your search for the perfect present for him. The gift exchange was in less than a week and you still had nothing. Sitting at your desk in the bullpen you considered settling with one of your first ideas.
While getting up to refill your coffee mug you noticed Spencer’s attention was focused on his computer. He sat there deep in thought with his brows furrowed and lips in a fine line. When you walked by his desk you saw he was playing an online chess game.
“Working hard or hardly working?” you joked.
He popped out of his focus from your presence. “I finished my files a little early,” he responded bashfully.
“Are you at least winning?”
He smirked, “I’ve won four times. But that’s not even the fun part. The fun is doing different plays every time and seeing what the computer comes up with as the best response.”
That’s when it hit you. An idea for Spencer’s gift.
Finally something that felt like a good gift for him. At the end of the day you rushed out of work to go to the craft store and get your supplies. You worked on the gift everyday after work.
Soon the weekend rolled around and you found yourself at Rossi’s. His living room had the biggest Christmas tree you’d ever seen. Everyone’s gifts sat there for the evening. After dinner you all sat down to exchange gifts.
“I want to go first!” Garcia exclaimed. She jumped up from the couch and hurried to the tree to grab her gift for JJ.
JJ excitedly opened the gift bag to find a small black and grey purse with a colorful crochet keychain. The idea that Garcia also handmade part of her gift gave you a sense of relief.
“Oh this is so pretty. Thank you so much,” she beamed, admiring the bag and twirling the keychain. Garcia squealed in happiness before JJ offered a hug to her.
JJ then handed over her gift to Rossi, a bottle of scotch. He smiled and thanked her for the bottle saying how his collection needed a new addition.
He stood up and brought his hands together looking at the tree. “My turn.” He grabbed a thin box wrapped in silver sparkly wrapping paper and walked over to you.
“For you, my dear,” he handed you the box.
Your eyes widened and lips perked up at the gift. It may be a little silly but, part of you wished that you were Spencer’s secret santa. You reminded yourself that the possibility of you both picking each other's names was unlikely. The possibility of some things being the same between the two of you was … unlikely.
You ripped back the paper to reveal a large eyeshadow pallet. Upon opening it, you saw an array of beautiful shades you couldn’t wait to try out.
“Rossi, this is so sweet. I love it,” You thanked with a bright smile.
Now it was your turn. Everyone’s eyes only made the moment more stressful. You got up and grabbed the box with a nervous hand. What if he didn’t like it? What if he thought it was too cheesy or corny? What if he thought it was useless as he already owned two of them?
You tried to quiet your thoughts as you handed him the box, but they had no intention of leaving.
“Merry Christmas Spence,” you said softly.
When you turned and walked back to your seat you neglected to see the rising blush on his face.
Spencer glanced down at the white and red striped paper. He carefully peeled it off and opened the lid to reveal a chess set nestled in between red tissue paper. The board spaces were off-white and royal purple with corresponding chess pieces the same colors. When he picked up the wooden pieces and saw small leaves and flowers painted on them. The King and Queen specifically had crowns in a shimmering gold.
“Wow look at that,” Emily admired.
Upon further inspection he noticed the small human imperfections in the details. The way not one leaf or flower looked exactly the same. Or how the clear coating over the paint was slightly streaky in some spots.
“Did you paint this?” He asked.
You nodded your head and answered , “Yeah I did.”
A faint “awe” could be heard across the room from Garcia.
“Y/N,” Spencer started, his voice full of admiration. “This is … beautiful.”
The butterflies in your stomach were getting restless.
“Really?” you asked, not able to hide the smile spreading on your face.
“Yes! It’s Perfect,” his eyes sparkled at you. “I love it. Nobody’s ever given me something like this.” He beamed at you with a smile that made you love sick.
The realization that you both were not alone set in and Spencer cleared his throat before closing the box. The gift exchange continued as Spencer handed over a present to Morgan.
The rest of the night was filled with catching glances and far away looks between you and Spencer. He seemed to feel more relaxed in a way after receiving your gift. Not that he was acting any differently. He just seemed more open. With the group and with you.
You lived off that feeling the whole evening. The idea that you made him happy. You helped him see he was appreciated and loved.
Not that he had to know you loved him.
He didn’t know that. Right?
As the hands on the clock passed you announced your departure and said your goodbyes. You stepped outside and felt a chill against your skin.
You held tight onto your keys as you walked to your car. The snow had just started to fall. Occasional little flurries fell down from the sky.
“Wait!” Someone yelled from behind.
You turned to find Spencer trying his best to run but not slip on the icy parts of the driveway. When he got closer you noticed his cheeks and the tip of his nose were pink. Probably from the cold weather you thought.
“I wanted to formally say thank you for the chess set,” he explained.
“You’re welcome,” you replied with a smile. You stuffed your hands in your pockets away from the cold. “I’m glad you like it. I was worried you’d find it cheesy.”
He looked confused. “Why would I find it cheesy?”
You shrugged, “because I hand painted it.”
“But that’s what makes it perfect,” he reassured. His voice is sincere and soft. “It’s personal and shows you care.”
His eyes widened. “Oh um-“
He suddenly remembered why he rushed outside and scrambled for something in his jacket pocket. It was a small cube shaped box wrapped in paper covered in snowflakes. Quite fitting for the weather.
“I know I technically wasn’t your secret Santa but I still wanted to get you something.”
You took the gift from him with a slack jaw. “Spence-“
“This isn’t because you were my secret Santa. I still wanted to get you a gift regardless,” he reassured.
“I- Thank you,” you started unwrapping the gift.
“It’s not homemade like yours but I hope you still like it.”
”It doesn’t have to be homemade for me to-“ the wind was stolen out of your lungs.
The gift was a small gold and white music box you immediately recognized. You opened the lid to reveal a ballerina in a pink tutu spinning as Sleeping Beauty Waltz played. Your heart ached as you admired the tiny dancer.
”Is this the music box from that antique shop in Seattle?”
While on a case in Seattle, you and Spencer went to an antique shop to ask the owner about evidence found at the crime scene that was purchased there. You fell in love with a beautiful music box in one of the aisles.
“It is. I saw how you looked at it in the store and in the car you said it reminded you of when you used to do ballet. So before we left Seattle I went back to the store to get it for you. I thought it would make a great Christmas present.”
“But, that was three months ago.”
He sheepishly smiled and his cheeks only got more red. “Yeah, I had to keep it a secret for a while.”
Your heart rate started to pick up as the butterflies returned. “I can't believe you went back and bought this for me,” you muttered in disbelief.
“Of course I would. You mean a lot to me and I knew this was something that would make you happy.”
You admired the music box before carefully placing it in your purse. “Thank you so much. I love it.”
His smile grew and reached his eyes. His eyes looked beautiful in this lighting. The Christmas lights from the house made them look practically golden. Even in the freezing cold you could melt from his eyes.
He shifted his weight and licked his lips. He seemed wrapped around the words in his head. “I also wanted to ask if maybe you’d want to go see The Nutcracker with me.”
Your heart damn near stopped.
“It’s playing at the theater downtown. I was thinking if we don’t get a case then we could go see the show on Friday. Maybe, if you want to, that is,” he rambled in nervousness.
“I’d love to,” you beamed.
His face brightened at your eagerness, but his nerves were still present. “But not as friends. As a date?”
You chuckled, “Yes Spencer, I would love to go on a date with you. I think the nutcracker is a perfect first date.”
“Great,” he said with relief. “And maybe afterwards we might have time for a game of chess with my new board.”
God he was cute.
“That sounds great.”
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid headcanon#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfic#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid one shot#spencer reid x you#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid fic
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🧚🏼♀️Astro Notes🧸
Sagittarius love holidays and are very enthusiastic about them. They like things related to fun, etc. They can also be very traditional when they believe in something. More or less their traditions come from their beliefs, but they are very open to new things.
When Leo Sun people do something they will always be like "look what I did", they want you to notice their work and effort. They are always very proud of what they do and present their work with pride. The proudest people will always be them.
Sagittarius mars - living for the moments- They will make the most of every moment and can quickly forget about their worries and just surrender to the moment. Mars in leo living for the fun, romance, pleasure, playfulness. Mars in aries living for danger, excitement. They can quickly forget the needs of others and focus on their own needs.
It is very important what aspects you have with the planet. For ex.: mars in sagittarius with trine saturn makes you very serious when it comes to intimacy, sex, and the affection of another person. Usually, for you, intimacy represents responsibility and seriousness. Even tho I do think that mars in sagittarius people are not unstable or too free. They can be very fiery and devoted to another person. Very quick to respond and driven when they really want someone. If the person match their energy , they will be very into this person. Because they're looking for someone they can connect with. They usually want the same level of energy.
Mars in Taurus is secretly possessive. Many times they appear more stable than they actually are. When it comes to their needs they are very stubborn and will also stubbornly pursue something if they really want it. Once someone fulfills their needs they become very attached to that person and find it difficult to let go of the fact that that person is no longer there. They like stable sexual partners. They have a hard time getting used to a different energy and another person's body when they are used to one (they don't like to change).
I am not a fan of venus in cancer but i think someone who has venus in cancer & mars in taurus can be very nurturing and caring person. They can give you a lot of love and are very attentive. They give love unconditionally.
Cancer moon -They are very caring and emotional. They give a lot, especially when people mean a lot to them. They will always care about the person and their needs. Their love runs very deep. A very sacrificial moon. A very intuitive moon, if a cancer moon tells you something - you should always listen, because they are always right.
People with a placements of Pisces and libra are often hopeless romantics. Many times they fall in love with the wrong people and too quickly. They often idealize people and the love they have for them. They believe in love at first sight and it often happens to them. But the love they need is the opposite of that. The love they should have found is the love they didn't look for, but it came in a completely different form than they imagined. True love will be when they build love with a person, which will come over time and through a difficult period. A love in which they will be realistic.
Capricorn in your chart shows where you are realistic, strong and go through the most challenges.
Your moon is your safe place and also the emotions you crave the most. When someone embody your moon sign for you, this is like a person emitting energy that you need. Thats why you can be much more attached to such people. You can get emotionally attached to someone who gives off your moon energy more quickly than someone who gives off your Venus energy for example.
Fire & earth mars are more connected to their physical body. There are also more into a physical touch. So when it comes to passion and intimacy and this type of stuff. They want a real touch. Both of them are also very active oriented signs. Fire mars in generals are very into actions and doing things. And also the earth mars but they are a little bit more slow when it comes to actions, because they are more focused into long term things.
When it comes to intimacy fire & earth are best together cuz both of them are focused on body. Air & water are more mental.
The sign of Gemini rules the shoulders, arms, hands, and lungs. Natives of this sign are noted for their graceful arms and beautifully shaped hands.
Aries rules the head and face. You can often spot an Aries person by his or her fine facial bone structure and a shining, healthy head of hair.
The sign of Taurus rules the throat and neck, which includes the vocal cords, palate, and tonsils. Generally, Taureans have long, expressive necks, and women of this sign have lovely skin around the throat and collarbone area.
Cancer women often have beautiful bosoms, with soft creamy skin and a curving decolletage. Men of this sign have well-shaped chests and flat stomachs.
The sign of Leo rules the spine, the back, and the heart. The heart is associated with warm emotions, the back with courage.
The sign of Virgo rules the nervous system and the intestines. The intestines assimilate food into the body. By the same token, Virgoans assimilate knowledge and turn it into practical use. They have delicate and finely tuned nervous systems, which makes them intuitive and discriminating.
The sign of Libra rules the kidneys, lumbar region (which includes the lower spine and back), and the buttocks. Libra women tend to have graceful lower spines and curvaceous buttocks, and Libra men have well-shaped, muscular backs
The sign of Scorpio rules the sexual organs. Symbolically, this part of the anatomy represents lifegiving force, and Scorpio people are renowned for their fund of energy and imagination. They have a reputation for being highly sexed, passionate, and possessive, the kind who do nothing halfway.
The sign of Sagittarius rules the hips, the thighs, and the liver. In human anatomy the hips and thighs represent locomotion and volition, and it should not be surprising that most Sagittarians are active people who love freedom, fresh air, sunshine, and the great outdoors.
The sign of Capricorn rules the bones, joints, knees, and teeth. Capricorns are known for their beautiful bone structure and stately carriage. Capricorn women often have a striking angular beauty, especially in their facial bones, which makes them very photogenic. Both men and women have strong constitutions, vigorous and enduring, capable of withstanding stress and illness.
The sign of Aquarius rules the circulatory system and the shins, calves, and ankles. The lower leg represents active locomotion, and Aquarius people are characterized as progressive and forward-thinking.
The sign of Pisces rules the feet and toes and the mucous membranes. Pisceans are noted for their graceful, well-shaped feet, and many become excellent dancers .
-Rebekah🌌🧜🏼♀️🪐
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my favourite colour | LN4
Lando Norris x Mercdriver!fem!reader
summary: You turn indigo but..indigo is still quite liked and pretty
masterlist | previous
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landonorris
liked by yn, pierregasly and 729.547 others
landonorris reminder: don’t play golf with yn, she will even beat carlos
yn 🤭😊
carlossainz yeah, at least i got ahead of you
landonorris yeah yeah
pierregasly that’s not so hard 😂😬
landonorris blocked.
user didn’t know she was that good with them
user of course she is, they’re friends lol
user love how close they are
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yn
liked by kimiantonelli, maxfewtrell and 925.636 others
yn he didn’t get the hint, did he?
kellypiquet but you fell asleep holding his hand..
yn kelly. I am not coming to girls night.
kikagomez EXCUSE ME??
lilymhe now that is unfair
lilyzhneimer :((
yn alright, i’m coming for lils
lilyzhneimer :)))
yn my god, just like oscar
oscarpiastri:))
user oscar lily are the best couple
user he’s trying tho
user omggggggg
user is this a soft launch??
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yn
liked by kimiantonelli, landonorris and 957.538 others
yn maiden win + 1-2 podium. What else would we want?? 🥹
kimiantonelli best scenario for today 🤭
yn i’m so proud of you 👏
kimiantonelli 🖤
olliebearman WOHOOO 👏👏
mercedesamgf1 is anyone cutting onions 🥹
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kimiantonelli
liked by lewishamilton, landonorris and 1m others
kimiantonelli the masterminds, the executors and the results
oliliebearman Id like to say we did great
lewishamilton you didn’t stick to the plan
charlesleclerc careful, before they parenttrap you with you know who
lewishamilton Niki tried that, didn’t work
user omg, that is yn
user does anyone recognise the car??
user it’s hers :/
user ohhhhh
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yn
liked by landonorris, kimiantonelli and 937.648 others
yn 🖤
comments have been disabled
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729.739 likes
f1updates yn yln and Lando norris have been spotted around Italy together looking cozy 👀👀
user WHAT
user i mean, as long as she’s happy
user The flowers in her last post, him saying indigo is his favourite colour 🥹 He really tried everything to bring the spark that lewis took back
user Wait..bringing them together was lewis and Charles idea, right?
user seems like it
user lewis isn’t blind. He knows her well and knew what it would do to her when he left
user yeah, and kimi loves her too so he obviously helped. And ollie either listened to his dad (char) or just followed kimi
pierregasly this is how i find out? pff
carlossainz you and me both
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yn and landonorris
liked by lewishamilton, kimiantonelli and 2m others
yn and landonorris even the dark with you feels like the brightest day 🖤
lewishamilton 💜
kimiantonelli as long as you stay loyal to mercedes and don’t put that orange stuff on
landonorris *papaya
yn so..
mercedesamgf1 YOURE CHEATING???
yn im sorry you had to find out this way 😔
mercedesamgf1 😐
charlesleclerc took you long enough to realise he liked you MORE THAN A FRIEND
yn oops
nicorosberg 🤍
*comments under this post have been limited*
a/n im sorry this feels so rushed idk man.. I hope you still like it somehow :)
#formula one imagine#lewis hamilton x reader#lando norris fluff#lando norris imagine#lando norris social media au
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Too Hot for Snow
Pairing: Jaehyun x reader x Jaemin
Genre: angst, drama, romance, smut, love triangle
Word Count: 17k
Warnings: There are two smut scenes with the same mc, but nothing that really needs a tw. If you aren't here for him, you can skip them without missing out on anything tho! The other mc won't come short in terms of romance either, trust the process! But it's a bittersweet ending.
Summary: When your husband decides to file for divorce, you find yourself back in the arms of your first love. After all, things are different now and you're not kids anymore. But after a weekend lost in heavy snowfall and wishful dreams, you come to the painful realization that some people don't want to change, and others change too much.
A/N: I wrote this inspired by my own experience from a time where I had to decide between my situationship and now-bf. I thought I could pass this message on to ones who need this as well. Sometimes, we make the right decisions, sometimes the wrong ones. Sometimes, it's too late, sometimes it's not. (Also, I miss Jaehyun :( D-497)
Three years. That was how long your marriage had lasted.
“I want a divorce.”
These words shouldn’t surprise let alone hurt you - but they still did. After all, nothing could prepare you for the day your husband decided to divorce you.
You had talked about it before Jaehyun had moved out and mutually agreed on seriously thinking about an official separation while taking this six month break from each other.
Yet, hearing this final decision out loud from your own husband’s lips made it real. And even though it had been foreseeable and up to a point even inevitable, you hadn’t been prepared for reality, for the fact that now, this was indeed real.
Your husband didn’t want to be married to you any longer.
How was that even possible?
We walk down the aisle, thinking it will be forever. Donned in our white gown, the veil in our hair and the flower bouquet close to our chest, we are full of hope, light and love for the person who awaits us by the altar.
“Till death do us part” is considered the love line of our lives as we all desire to vow it one day to our partner.
But thinking about it, it sounds morbid. We stand in front of witnesses and promise to the heavens that it will literally take a terminal illness, a fatal accident or another forced act of nature to tear this love apart.
The painful truth is that it takes much, much less.
It often takes minimal profound, heroic and inspiring reasons for two married people to never look at each other again. Oftentimes, love doesn’t get torn apart by death. It gets torn apart by pent-up arguments, lack of commitment and the belief that everything you already own still isn’t enough.
“What about Kang Kang?”
Your throat was so dry, you didn’t even recognize your own voice, and Jaehyun ran his fingers through his hair. He had dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were wrinkled, hair completely askew.
There had been a time, back then in university, where on weekends, you both had looked like that, but for entirely different reasons. You were just staying at home, playing games and watching movies together. It had been the best and most carefree time of your lives. The strict business man Jaehyun had turned into throughout the years would have never left the house looking like this.
At this moment, you could see your past boyfriend in your husband again, who you had long deemed missing, and you wondered where you both had taken the wrong turn in your once fairytale-like relationship.
“He’s your dog on paper,” Jaehyun said nearly matter-of-factly. “You can keep Kang Kang.”
You bit into your bottom lip, so hard that you swore you could nearly taste something metallic. “Is this your final decision?”
In the break of the second that he needed to answer, you grew hopeful again. Hopeful that your husband would admit this decision was wrong, that he wanted to work on things for you two to be happy again.
Because this was the conclusion you had come to last night. You didn’t want a divorce, you didn’t want to give this all up. You wanted your little family, you wanted your husband and your dog, and children of your own in the future.
But instead, Jaehyun said with a tired, but determined voice,
“It’s my final decision.”
____
If Jaehyun were a season, he’d be summer.
He was the feeling of getting woken up by sunshine tickling the tip of your nose. He was the salt on your skin when you emerged from the sea, the sand beneath your toes and the water dripping from your hair tips. He was the shade under a tree on sweltering days and flowers blooming in all colors.
He was everything good, fair and bright.
… Until summer vanished and you were left alone when seasons changed. It didn’t only become clear by change in weather, but also by the fact that Jaehyun had taken every last piece of himself out of your once shared apartment.
By the next week, he had officially filed for divorce.
Summer had come to an end.
____
If Jaemin were a season, he’d be winter.
He was the feeling of thick sweaters when you got dressed on a cold day. He was the sound of snow crunching under your boots, the cup of hot chocolate you drank while watching the icebound lake. He was the snowstorm that came overnight and locked you in, causing chaos and destruction.
Jaemin was charming, tempting and dangerous.
But who, after a hot, sweltering summer, had never not anticipated a beautiful winter wonderland?
Luckily, winter came early that year.
____
“Why are you calling me at this hour?”
You stared at the skyline stretching in front of you. The few cars passing by were only recognizable by their headlights, but apart from that as well as a handful of windows reflecting some light in the building across from you, it was a quiet and dark night, the clock showing 3am.
“Why are you picking up?” you asked.
A light hearted laughter that made your heart jump followed. “I will always pick up when you call, you know that.”
“I know.”
A beat of silence passed by as you opened the balcony door and stepped outside, closing it again behind you. You turned your head to the sky and watched the moon, and you knew Jaemin was doing the same right now.
“Did you already sign and send out the papers?” Jaemin questioned.
“Yes,” you answered, and as you spoke, you could see a small cloud forming in front of your face. “They are at my lawyer’s now to get checked. So perhaps, by next week, his lawyer will get them and send them out to him to sign too. Then, I’ll be a divorcée.”
“Don’t use that word.”
“Why not?”
“It sounds like you’ll be a lonely, sad woman.”
“Well, if anything, I’ll be a lonely, sad dog-mom.” Your gaze wandered aside to the balcony door from where you could see Kang Kang sleeping peacefully on this dog bed in the very corner of the living room.
“You’re neither going to be a lonely, sad woman nor a lonely, sad dog-mom. You’re going to be free. You should be happy.”
“I can only be happy with you.”
Jaemin let out a chuckle that came in unison with a cool winter breeze grazing your skin, and only now you noticed how icy it actually was outside, only dressed in your pajamas and a bathrobe. But right now, you didn’t mind the cold. You only tried to remember the last time you had felt so… like Jaemin had said… happy.
It had been half a year since Jaehyun had come to you to file for a divorce and already a full year since you had actually started living in separation. That was enough time to move forward when you had been long unhappy before.
You could finally quit pretending, quit fighting, quit caring. You had finally reconnected with the man you had always referred to as your first love, willing to start all over again with him.
Then why, when you looked at the night sky, the only thing your mind wandered back to was still the night Jaehyun had proposed to you?
Back then, he had just graduated from university and you had been working in your job for two years already. He had saved up all the money that he had earned while being enlisted to buy you the perfect engagement ring that was now kept hidden in your drawer along with the wedding band. A very beautiful ring that had once been a symbol for a very beautiful relationship.
His proposal had taken place under the night sky too, in privacy like you had wished for, with only the moon and stars as witnesses. It had hurt to look at the night sky for a very long time after your separation. But it didn’t anymore now, it was more of a nostalgic feeling.
As though Jaemin could read your thoughts, he said, “Don’t worry, when we get married, we don’t have to go through a divorce, I’ll get you an even more striking ring.”
“Stop joking.”
“I’m not joking,” he obliged. “I mean it.”
“Jaemin…” You swallowed, hard. “What are you even saying?”
“I’m saying,” you overheard him taking a deep breather, “if I had done things right the first time, we would have stayed together after high school and you would have gotten married to me instead, and you wouldn’t need to go through all this now.”
You both knew that this wasn’t true.
There had been grave things that had led to the downfall of your first relationship and you into the arms of your soon-to-be ex-husband. Things that had been totally out of your might to control as you had been so young. But that was long in the past and you had both grown enough as people to pick up where you had left off and do it better this time.
After all, Jaemin was your first love. That meant something, that was something special.
You sighed. “We were only kids. But now we’re adults. We now have the chance to do it better than back then, Jaemin, and that means to always be honest with each other.”
“I mean every word I said.”
You felt your heart turn heavy. “But for me, it means that I don’t think I will be ready to get married again in the next few years. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about that.” His light-hearted laughter took the weight from your chest at an instant. That was what had always fascinated you about Jaemin. Everything seemed so easy and carefree with him. “I’ll wait. One year, two years, five years, ten years… I’ll wait until you’re ready again.”
“Back then, you never wanted to get married and always dreamed about getting famous, moving to America....” You only then realized that it could be taken as an insult and wanted to correct yourself quickly, but he preempted,
“Back then, I chose foolishness over commitment. But this time, I mean it and I will come get you next week.”
“Get me?” You raised a brow. “To where?”
“To Jeonju."
“To do what?”
“To be with me.”
“I can’t move to Jeonju so suddenly, Jaemin. I have a job here, my apartment, my dog, my family, especially my grandma…”
“Then only for the weekend. Bring Kang Kang with you. And the rest, we’ll figure it out together.”
Silence from your end, but he was being patient. “Do you mean it?”
“I mean it this time too. It’s been two weeks since we’ve last seen each other and we only met twice overall since back then. I know there is so much going on in your life right now, but I need more of you. And you could need a break from your daily life. So come to me.”
A romantic weekend in Jaemin’s home in Jeonju sounded exactly like what you needed right now.
So you answered, “Okay, let’s do it.”
You were looking forward to winter.
____
The first family gathering without your husband took place two days later, the weekend before you planned on leaving for your short trip to Jeonju.
You had informed your mother about your separation two weeks after the official decision via a text message, very short and dry. You hadn’t wanted to speak to anyone as to why and when, ignoring all upcoming calls from every family member since the news had spread like wildfire. It had been hard enough the first time already when you had to explain why your husband had moved out. You couldn’t do this all over again.
Not because you were rude. But because you were still hurting and you feared that speaking about it stirred up feelings you had long locked up deep inside your heart. Only now, you were ready to face everyone again. Because half a year later, you were fine again.
Your big family adored Jaehyun so much, especially your grandmother, so you still met her with a heavy heart. To her, Jaehyun had been the perfect grandson-in-law, everything she had ever wished for you, and the feeling had been mutual since you had rarely seen your own relatives act with your grandmother as closely as Jaehyun had.
Whenever you had visited, he had brought her gifts, helped her with the chores and told her stories that made her laugh her heart out. Nobody else had done all this with such sincerity and continuity as Jaehyun, and it broke your heart to know that you had robbed her of this experience forever.
Your grandmother was celebrating her 80th birthday that Saturday, and with her declining health you didn’t know for how many more birthdays she could still be around, so you wanted to spend the remaining time with her, even if it was only you alone.
“How are you doing, sweetheart?”
You were sitting on the couch in her living room while everyone else was still dining, chatting and laughing.
“I think I’m doing quite fine.”
“Are you sure?”
She reached out her weak, fragile hand and touched your cheek. You started to wonder when your grandmother had aged so much. The woman who had watched over you when you were still a child, had driven you to school, had made you food, and had let you spend the weekends with her. The one who had dried your tears when you had gotten your heart broken in school, who had picked up every single broken piece of you throughout the years.
She couldn’t do all that anymore, but she still could tell how you were feeling just by taking a brief look at you.
You couldn’t deceive your grandmother, so you just shrugged and her hand slipped from your cheek right into yours, squeezing it meekly.
“It’s alright to still mourn him, sweetheart. If, at some point in your life, you realize that you have made the wrong decision, don’t hesitate for a single second and tell him.”
“What do you mean?”
You didn’t believe in the term ‘the one that got away’ which people would commonly use to describe a lost lover they were still thinking about all the time. You believed that you could grow to love someone just as much as you could grow to stop loving someone. If humans could never move on, how were they supposed to continue living?
“Your grandfather…” Around your grandmother’s thin lips played a mild smile that gave her face back something very youthful. “He was and will always be the love of my life. I married him young and I stayed loyal to him until he passed away. I loved him with my whole heart and he was the only person that had ever evoked such feelings inside of me.”
It tightened around your chest as it reminded you painfully of Jaehyun.
“But there was a time before our marriage,” your grandmother continued, and although the smile around her lips was still present, it wasn’t quite merry anymore, but rather pained, “where we were separated, because we didn’t know whether we should get married or not. There was still so much to see in the world, so many people to get to know. Why would we settle so early? So we decided we wouldn’t.”
“Grandma, you never told me that.” You squeezed her hand back to comfort her.
“I got back with my first ever love from when I was still a teenager. The timing was just right, we both seemed to have evolved so much. Maybe fate wanted us to take this path and meet again much later.”
Now, warmth grew in your heart as it reminded you of Jaemin.
You had gotten to know each in the second year of high school when he transferred to your school, and the two years that followed was a whirlwind of ups and downs that, looking back at, you wouldn’t have wanted to miss a single second of. After all, it had forged you into the person you were now, and also into the one that had met Jaehyun and had now led you back to Jaemin.
But you feared your story would separate from your grandmother’s at this point. “How did you then end up with grandpa?”
You now understood why your grandmother was wearing that expression. It wasn’t a fully happy core memory anymore, nor a completely sad one either. It was bittersweet. “It didn’t work out the second time around as well.”
“...May I ask why? You sounded so happy. What happened?” It wasn’t like you wanted to push her boundaries, you were genuinely curious as you secretly found yourself in a similar position now.
“When one day, I returned home, I encountered your grandfather by my house. Apparently, he had waited two days and nights for me and refused to leave unless I talked to him. So I did and he officially proposed. I wanted a week to think about this, and when I, following this event, wanted my first love to make a decision, he couldn’t.”
“He didn't want to marry you?”
“Even after all these years, he didn’t know whether he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. And I wanted a man that knew.”
You inhaled deeply. “And you never went back to your first love.”
“I never went back to him,” she repeated. “Not because I didn’t love him, but because I knew your grandfather would show up in ways he could never. And that was what I wanted.”
You were asking yourself whether your grandmother told you this story on purpose. But then again, she never did anything without a purpose. She wanted you to learn something from it, and it actually hurt you quite a bit that she was questioning your decision.
“I don’t regret it. Do you regret it, grandma?”
“I don’t regret anything either, sweetheart, absolutely not.” You were worried that she might conceal the truth from you, but from her voice alone and the way her mien changed to the one she was always wearing when she talked lovingly about your grandfather, you were assured that she was being honest and always had been. “Sometimes, I still think about him and wonder where he is, what he’s doing if he’s still al-... And it’s normal. Sometimes, I wonder what if. But if I could turn back time, I wouldn’t have chosen differently.”
Your grandmother’s gaze wandered to the coffee table where you spotted something very familiar for the first time since you had arrived: a pink bouquet consisting of different summer flower arrangements. The one Jaehyun and you usually got together and brought over to your grandmother whenever you visited.
This time, you hadn’t had time to bring anything, and admittedly it had also slipped your mind completely. Yet, the very same bouquet was standing there on the coffee table.
“Jaehyun was here?” you breathed.
She nodded. “This morning.”
You weren't surprised. This was typical of Jaehyun. He always thought about others first, never missing an event, always reliant and considerate. With your own mind always wandering, you had very much relied on him and he had never complained about taking matters into his own hands.
“Grandma, I-” You didn’t know why your heart suddenly felt so heavy.
“I’m not telling you what to do, sweetheart. I’m just wondering if nowadays, before a couple decides to divorce, they have already given everything. There is a reason you were married in the first place. That’s all. That is something you should always think of.”
Yes, you had given everything, every day and minute of your marriage.
When Jaehyun had stayed for work longer, then worked during the weekends and then rarely came home anymore. When you had started to feel lonely, not appreciated and unheard of your feelings. When, every time you had still seen each other, every minor thing led to an argument where one of you needed to leave the house.
You had tried, over and over again.
“I have given it my all, grandma. I have.”
“If you can confidently say that, then move on, sweetheart.”
____
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
You followed Jaehyun into his new apartment, Kang Kang passing by you. He was jumping up and down, circling around Jaehyun like the happy labrador he was. As you had figured out, there were no dogs allowed in Jaemin’s apartment, so you had asked Jaehyun to take care of him this specific weekend.
You wondered whether it was selfish of you and quickly came to the conclusion that yes, it was, and cruel on top of that too. That was why you hid the truth from your soon-to-be ex-husband and had told him you had work in Jeonju this weekend and no other family could take Kang Kang. At least the latter was the truth as you had earnestly tried it everywhere before, but to no avail.
At least, you knew Kang Kang was in good hands, and he hadn’t seen his human dad in so long either. You put your dog’s belongings in the living room, which consisted of his bed, a few toys, his bowls and other necessities.
“Don’t you have to work this weekend, though?” you asked Jaehyun politely.
You still didn’t know how to behave in front of him whenever you had to interact. This was actually the third time you met since your official separation half a year ago with the first two being the time he had to pack his stuff and move out completely. How did one interact with the person you were soon to be called ex-husband?
You were nervous and anxious, but also somehow happy to see him, because you hadn’t seen each other in three months. Jaehyun was still Jaehyun, he hadn’t changed. You wondered whether he was dating someone new now too, though.
“I actually requested time off this weekend when I knew Kang Kang would come,” he answered almost nonchalantly. “Do you want something to drink? I’m sorry, I only have water.”
You weren’t sure whether the water would help the lump that had built in your throat to disappear, so you declined. And just like that, Jaehyun had requested an entire weekend off when you had had begged him in the past to do so over and over again. You were hurt, once again, and it showed all over your face.
“I’ve started a new job, actually,” he quickly explained, but you didn’t know whether it would make it all better, truth to be told. “Less salary, but since I’m living alone now, it’s fine. They still pay well enough and I have more time to myself.”
You deadpanned, “Good for you.”
It shouldn’t bother you anymore, it really shouldn’t. But you couldn’t shake off the fact that Jaehyun had changed his work and lifestyle almost so easily right after separating from you when he hadn’t been able to do exactly that while still with you. What had hindered him all this time?
Jaehyun, sensing already where this conversation would lead to since you had been there over and over again in the past, quickly changed the topic. “How is your grandma?”
You unpacked Kang Kang’s stuff while he arranged the bed for him where he thought your dog would like it.
“Quit playing, I know you visited her.”
He let out a shy laugh. “Did she tell you? I purposely told her not to.”
“She didn’t have to, really. I saw the flowers and knew immediately.”
You turned around to him, and even from the side, while he was kneeling down and petted Kang Kang, you perceived how shy he had gotten as his ears had turned slightly red.
“I was worried about her since she hasn’t been feeling well these past months. So I wanted to check up on her. I didn’t want to break tradition, you know. Yet.”
“I know,” you admitted and quietly added, “Thank you for that.”
“I hope she’ll get better soon.”
He shifted in your direction and smiled, and this reaction made you longing for easier times where you didn't have to deal with the fact that this was the last time he had seen your grandmother.
Had you been too greedy, wanting too much that he hadn’t been willing to or couldn’t give yet? Had you pressured him too much and driven him away instead? Should you have been more patient with him and supported him, even though you hadn’t condoned any of his actions? Had it only been a rough patch and you would have come over it by now?
Those were questions to which you would probably never get an answer. It was all too late now anyway. The papers were signed from your side.
“Jaehyun…” you whispered and wondered whether he had heard it as he suddenly interrupted you with,
“Ah, I’m sorry but you have to leave now.” He arose from the crouch and scratched the back of his head. “I actually have a visitor over the weekend and she’ll arrive soon.”
“She…?”
He nodded with a hint of reluctance.
You couldn’t explain why this revelation hurt almost just as much as the day Jaehyun had opened up about wanting a divorce. You were seeing someone else too, probably for longer than him, but you didn’t want him to be dating anyone else, giving her everything you had been asking of him for so long.
You should be happy for him to have finally changed and wanting to make it better with the next woman he would grow to love. Yet, all you could think about was that he had never been able to give it to you.
You were so selfish.
“Okay,” you said breathlessly and grabbed your purse, moving to the entrance door.
“Hey.” You heard footsteps, and before you could grab the handle, Jaehyun was already holding you back by your arm. “I’ve known you for too long to unsee the fact that you’re upset. And let me tell you, I understand why you’re angry.”
You lowered your head so that he couldn’t read your exact expression. But he didn’t need to. He never needed to. To him, you had always been an open book. “It doesn’t matter anymore, Jaehyun…”
“You’re probably asking yourself why I couldn’t change my job to have more time for you too. Just like I’m asking myself why you couldn’t have been more independent and wouldn’t rely on me only. We’ve both come quite a way, haven't we?”
You took credit for the not independent enough part. After all, since freshman year, you’ve only had Jaehyun. He had been the center of your life, of your universe, and this view had shifted into a toxic direction you never wanted to look into again. You truly had turned codependent at some point, you owed that part.
All that was left to do was not letting these negative traits affect your new relationships. That was a promise you didn’t only need to make to yourselves, but to your new partner, too.
“Do you think… Do you think we could have reached this point too if we had stayed together? This is what we have wanted, right?”
After all, it didn’t matter anymore. But you really wanted to hear this opinion, whether he thought the same.
He admitted, “I don’t think we could have evolved like that if we had stayed together.”
“I think so too.” You shrugged off his grip and pulled down the door handle.
“If you ever need something… I’m always here, okay? Call me, text me, no matter how late, I don’t care. I will always be here for you.”
After all, he was still so good, fair and bright.
It was unfair that you couldn’t offer the same kindness in return. Envy never looked good on anyone.
You switched to a cold business-tone. “My lawyer told me you received the papers already.”
“I did yesterday. I’ll sign them this weekend and pass them on on Monday.”
“See you on Sunday then when I come to pick up Kang Kang.”
And then, you left without another word.
____
“I have a gig tonight, but don’t worry, we can drop off your things first and head right there,” Jaemin declared. “I already told them to start the soundcheck without me.”
“Gig?” Jaemin had picked you up with his car from the train station and you were currently on your way to his house. “I thought we were going to spend the whole weekend… you know, at your place.”
“We will, we will!” he repeated and put his hand on your thigh while the other was still holding onto the steering wheel. “Don’t worry about that. It’s only tonight. Besides… you’ll get to know all my friends and bandmates too, so that’s gonna be fun!”
You should actually be excited about getting involved with his life right off the bat, but you couldn’t help but to feel more anxious about meeting new people when all you wanted to do was to spend a cozy weekend at Jaemin’s place, just the two of you. You wanted to take your sweet time, learning about each other, and only each other, again.
Jaemin had always been an extrovert while you were the complete opposite, and in all these years, this fact hadn’t seemed to have changed at all - just like him always forgetting how hard it was for you to come out of your shell. But you decided that you weren’t going to be hurt over this and see it as a compliment to get introduced to his friends and lifestyle so short into the relationship.
Perhaps, this was also a sign for you to break out of your shell that had only hardened throughout the years you had spent with Jaehyun as he was very similar to you. You couldn’t always live that way and accepted Jaemin offering to show you a new lifestyle.
“I’m looking forward to it!” you exclaimed and shifted your head back to the street, swallowing your anxiety and just hoping it wouldn’t resurface.
____
But it did later that night when you stood by the bar in that very small club, the crowd dancing and singing along to tunes you had never heard before, and you suddenly felt so alone and lost.
Back in the days, Jaemin had also been in a band, just one of many self-formed ones in school, but his band had always been the most popular, because, well, he himself was so popular. And even now, he was remaining true to his image, flirting with the crowd through his mimicry and gestic, radiating a charisma that would have all girls on their knees in front of him if only he asked.
Since he was with you now though, you felt proud and a bit haughty that he was still so popular and you had him all to yourself. But also, on the other hand, you were questioning if the negative feelings from your teen years would resurface…
The irritation when he hadn’t looked at you even once during his performances. The doubts when he had always winked at another girl during his solos. The jealousy when he had eventually talked to said girls after his performances, treating you like air.
But this Jaemin… he was different. Just when he finished and you viciously feared that it all would be repeated again, he passed by the entire crowd, not sparing his female fans even a single glance, and walked straight up to you.
“How was I?” he asked with a beam and you fell happily into his arms.
“Amazing!”
He laughed. “I’m so happy you liked it! Here, let me introduce you to my bandmates.”
So many new faces, but you were feeling welcomed from the very first moment on. There was no need to be anxious about feeling left out and to be nervous about nobody wanting to talk to you. You were having so much fun and everyone wanted to talk to you, wanting to know more about Jaemin’s girlfriend.
You hadn’t known he had already introduced you as such and felt very honored.
“Let’s have a toast!” Jaemin then raised up his shot.
“This will be our fourth toast!” a band member pointed out. “What do we still have to celebrate?”
You felt Jaemin’s strong arm around your shoulder, claiming you in front of all his friends and his entire band. “We’re celebrating her divorce. I’ve waited many years for her to separate from her husband, and now I can have her all to myself, for my entire life!”
You blushed at his loud confession. That didn’t seem like your Jaemin who you had known for so long at all. He had always been openly flirty and charming, but love confessions were never really his thing. Until now, apparently.
“So you want to marry her and spend the rest of her life with her?” someone teased. “What happened to Jaemin and when do we get him back?”
You quickly shook your head and waved aside. “Please, he’s only joking!”
“I’m quite offended you think I’m joking!” Jaemin objected and turned to you to make the conversation more private. “I mean it. We will spend the rest of our lives together. No matter where.”
This had suddenly turned into such an intimate moment, and all of his band mates sensed it which was why they pretended to be occupied with each other.
“You can’t say things like that so casually here!” you chided. “You’re probably drunk.”
“I’m actually quite sober and can think straight, and these thoughts currently always lead me to one desire: I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t care if you marry me or not, I just want you to always be with me. We will make it work. With your job, your dog, and your family. Even if it means I will have to come to you and live in the capital.”
“The Jaemin back then wouldn’t have uttered these words at all. He was always talking about going to America, getting famous with his music…”
“Well, I can still go to America. But with you. And one day, when you decide that you’re ready, even if we’re old and grey, we can get married.”
He then kissed you, and you dared to daydream just a little bit. In one possible future, you actually saw yourself watching your husband, Jaemin, standing on the stage of a big stadium in America while the crowd cheered, but he only had eyes for you who stood in the first row.
One faraway possible future, you didn’t dare to venture in further, because in this one, you were still married and it would take so, so much time until you could actually think of accepting a proposal ever again.
Forgotten was the toast still, and you and Jaemin called it an early night. You were surprised, because back in the days, he would have partied until the sun went up, and longer.
“I want to spend the remaining time with you,” he only said and led you out of the venue by your hand.
Maybe, just like you and Jaehyun, Jaemin had evolved too - to the man you had always needed him to be.
____
The next morning, it had started snowing.
The blanket slipped from your naked shoulder when you arose, the mattress giving in under you as a result of you bracing your hands against the surface. Jaemin was still sleeping soundly next to you. Of course, because a brief look at your phone told you that it was only 7am on a saturday.
Yet, you didn’t want to miss this beautiful, quiet hour and slipped out of the bed. Throwing on Jaemin’s t-shirt from the night before, you walked to the big window that offered a panoramic view of the landscape.
There were only a handful of high rise buildings in his city and no skyscrapers were seen far and wide. The horizon was a bit cloudy, but the beautiful landscape was still recognizable through the falling snow.
You had been to Jaemin’s hometown only once when you were together as teenagers. He had been sent to Seoul to attend a better school and eventually university, but had moved back after his degree.
You loved it here, it was the entire opposite of the bustling and ever lively capital. But living here, you wondered, would you get bored eventually? It was quite the contrary to your personality, but you had always enjoyed your environment being fast and never sleeping while you stood still. It gave you the feeling of never being alone while actually being alone.
A kiss on the back of your neck let you shudder, but in a good way. You giggled and turned around to Jaemin who had his arms wrapped around you now. His muscles were well-built and tense in your grip.
“Look Jaemin, it’s snowing!” you pointed out. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Mhhmm,” he muttered, but he didn’t look. “I know a more beautiful view, and it’s also in front of me.”
His voice sounded so sexy when he had just woken up. He embraced you tighter and kissed your temple. “You’re so charming as always.”
Jaemin chuckled. “Why are you up so early already?” he then asked you and gently rocked you in his arms. “You can still sleep.”
“I know, it’s just…” You shrugged. “I want to spend as much time with you here as possible.”
“Oh, does that mean I have to get up now too?” he seemingly wailed. “But what if I don’t want to get out of bed yet? Is there something we can do in bed together?”
You didn’t need to be told twice, but let yourself get carried, with both of your legs hooked around his waist, back to the bed. Letting out a laugh, Jaemin threw you onto the mattress and then crawled on top of you. He was still naked from last night, his muscles flexing nicely in the dim morning light.
You stretched out your arms and placed them around his neck. Gently, you pulled him close to you so that your nose tips touched, and smiled. You wanted to stop time right here and now, and bathe in this intimate moment for a while longer.
Jaemin didn’t know the words ‘enjoy’ and ‘patience’ though as not much later, sweat droplets started to collect on his chest, making his skin glisten with every shift that he performed on top of you. Your breathing came in hitches and caught every time he pushed himself deeper into you.
“You like that?” he whispered into your ear, causing goose bumps to spread all along your neck.
“I lot…” A gasp passed your lips when his wet tongue licked your earlobe.
It had slipped your mind when you had last felt this deeply satisfied. What Jaemin was doing right now even topped the events from last night when you had returned to his apartment, even though you had thought that it was impossible to top that.
You stretched out your legs and placed them around Jaemin’s waist, pushing your hips up.
“Hm?” He raised his head and locked eyes with you, revealing a sneaky smile that was accompanied by a cocked brow to emphasize his feigned surprise. “What’s that? You’re impatient already?”
“It’s you,” you said. “I just can’t get enough.”
Jaemin lowered his head again and started sucking on the side of your neck. You were sure you would be able to see a few faint bruises later on, but it was the time to wear scarves anyway and you wanted him to mark you in every way possible.
Your fingers entangled in his soft hair that then slipped through the gaps between them, and after a few bypassing moments of absolute stillness from his side where you slowly grew even more impatient, Jaemin started to move inside of you again.
When you were a teenager, you had lost your virginity to Jaemin after a few months of dating. He hadn’t been as insecure, nervous and awkward as you, because of course, the most popular boy from the band had already gained experience. And it seemed like he hadn’t lacked keeping to do so.
Or how else did he know to slip out with only the tip remaining so that you could quickly catch your breath, just to thrust back inside you with full force again? You couldn’t help but scream every time he penetrated that sweet spot, and he made sure to hit with every single motion.
The sheets grew wet under you as you were sweating so much, and in the peripheral of your blurry vision, you noticed that it had turned a bit lighter already in the apartment. God, for how long had this been going on, and how much more could you take?
You were already calling out, “Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin!”, mixed with dry screams that only grew more hoarsely, but you couldn’t seem to reach the anticipated release. Whenever you faced him, you only encountered his wicked, charming grin, and were assured that release was nowhere near yet.
Time and space blurred together for you and your mouth hung open, longing for air as he ripped you off it with his thrusts, again and again. The neverending string of a nearing orgasm was always graspable, but remained out of reach as each time, Jaemin took a brief pause by halting his motions and never pulling out entirely.
“Please…”
You didn’t know why he was doing that or where he had even learned to be this skilful to drag it out for so long, and truth to be told, you also didn’t want to know. At this point, you were only worried that he was punishing you on purpose, for dumping him back in the days, and for letting him wait for so long. Fair enough, you accepted this kind of punishment over anything else.
Jaemin drew his face close and licked over your dry lips. “I want to hear you beg.”
You didn’t care anymore at this point. You pressed him close to you, drawing your thighs even tighter around him. “Please, Jaemin!”
“Louder.” A low growl into your ear. But eventually, you felt him moving again.
“Please, Jaemin. PLEASE!”
“Louder!” he summoned.
“JAEMIN, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, PLEASE!”
The next moment, it felt like a wave came crashing down over you after trying to swim away from it all this time. It only took Jaemin two more skilled thrusts at the right angle until you let out a long-lasting scream that was on the brink of waking all the neighbors up, but you didn’t care.
You felt your insides clenching around him, your legs shaking in the aftermath while your fingers simultaneously dig deep into his skin as though you were holding onto a lifeline, nails grazing along his back and leaving long marks that would also be visible for quite a time.
Jaemin followed almost directly after you. He was gracious and quiet about it, but you knew him well enough to see that he was still enjoying it a little too much as he revealed himself by a low whimper that he tried to hide in the side of your neck, followed by a long sigh. His arms were shaking as he lost all strength and limply fell on top of you.
Your fingers were still on the back of his head, slowly stroking and comforting him while he was coming down from his heights. Your sweaty chest heaved up and down with Jaemin’s head on top of it.
For a moment, it was silent, only your regular breathing rhythms audible.
In that moment, you wondered when you had last felt this happy.
____
“Are you with Jaemin this weekend?”
Jaehyun’s anger was palpable through the phone. You moved away from the queue, signaling Jaemin that you had to take this call while he was lining up to buy you octopus skewers.
“Uh… I-”
Your still-husband had caught you red-handed and you didn’t know what to answer, because you hadn’t been prepared for this kind of situation. Only now, you realized that it would have been better to not have picked up the call at all when you had seen his name popping up on the display - ‘hubby’ and a heart. You still hadn’t brought yourself to change it to his government name.
“Answer me,” he demanded when your stuttering slowly grew uncomfortable and you settled for a quiet corner to talk to him.
“Jaehyun…”
“Someone sent me a video of his stories from last night and you were in it. I should have known the first thing you’d do would be running to him.”
How was that possible? You didn’t have mutual friends anymore from back then who would have cared enough as all contact had started to dwindle down at some point. And as far as you knew, these two had each other blocked everywhere. Unless they didn’t anymore and Jaehyun was lying to cover up that he had been digging.
“Jaehyun, that’s not fair at all.”
You heard a snort, followed by dead silence, but he didn’t hang up. “When did you want to tell me you were spending the weekend with my best friend?”
Dead silence again, but this time from your side of the line. Eventually, you reproached, “You haven’t been best friends for four years.”
“You told me you weren’t in contact anymore since he tried to creep back into your life even shortly after our marriage and I had to nearly physically fight him when he suddenly stood in front of our door.”
“We weren’t in contact!” you defended yourself. “But he had gotten wind of our separation and then hit me up again. Initially, it was just small talk, how I was doing and dealing with the situation. This is only the third time we've seen each other ever since. I really wasn’t in contact with him all this time, Jaehyun.”
“You never blocked his number or his socials as you had promised or otherwise, how could he have reached you?”
“I did! I told you I did, and I immediately did so back then! He contacted me from another number as he had changed his phone contract. I’ve never lied to you throughout our entire marriage! Don’t doubt me now just for me to fit your narrative, Jaehyun.”
“Hm.” He always let out this sound when he was at a loss for words, but didn’t want to drop the topic just yet. “I see.”
Somewhere in the background you heard Kang Kang and suddenly felt so guilty. Yet, you shrugged it off. You were too happy to get dragged down by his double standards right now. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about why I wanted to go to Jeonju. But honestly, Jaehyun, you also have a female over this weekend, don’t you?”
“I told you straight-forwardly. Also, she’s not an ex or your best friend, and certainly not my first love.”
He was right. The way you had handled this situation was certainly not pretty or fair at all. Why hadn’t you told him the moment you asked him to take care of Kang Kang?
Perhaps, because Jaemin had always been a threat to your relationship, long before your marriage and after it too. And it had always been your fault, even though you had complied with Jaehyun's requests about blocking and deleting him.
Somehow though, whenever Jaemin wanted to find you, he always did. And he was lucky to now have found you at a time where you had wanted to be found as well.
“Jaehyun…”
He let out a long breather and you imagined him shaking his head at this very moment. “I’m sorry, I don’t even know why I’m calling. I just thought… It’s not even my right anymore to know who you’re with and what you’re doing, but… really, him out of all people?”
“Jaehyun…”
He hadn’t been in Jaemin’s band, but in the same class. You had always seen him around, but never interacted as you had rarely hung out with Jaemin’s friends. He hadn’t wanted that. And when you had finally had enough of his shenanigans after suffering in your on-off relationship for two years, you moved on in university - with your ex’s best friend who had happened to be the complete opposite, and everything you’d ever asked for.
In the beginning, you had tried to keep it a secret, but eventually came clean with Jaemin after a few months, who had reacted in a very mature way. Or so you had thought. You didn’t want to be friends with him as you rarely saw him anyway, but you let them be friends. Eventually, you warmed up to this new dynamic as Jaemin had once been a huge part of your life too. Nothing had seemed weird at first and Jaemin seemingly was okay with it.
Until it all went downhill.
“Do you remember the day you told him we were engaged?” Jaehyun then asked.
Of course you remembered. Jaemin hadn’t let his true emotions slip, he hadn’t thrown a tantrum, he hadn’t said anything more than,
“Good luck. But you won’t be married for too long, because she’ll be mine again.”
And ever since then, best friends Jaehyun and Jaemin had never spoken a word to each other again.
It was eerie and sad how this prediction had eventually turned out to be true.
“I chose you, because you are kind, dedicated and warm, Jaehyun. Jaemin was fickle, unreliable and unfaithful, yes, but we were almost still kids! He’s changed.”
“That’s what you also said when I was in the army and he tried to test the waters with you again. That he’s changed, when you went back to him shortly. And look how that ended.”
“Are you bringing this up again? We were never involved in that sense again! You were in the boot camp and could only text me for one hour on the weekend, I felt lonely and we wanted to meet up as friends! I was young and stupid, how many times do you still want to hear it?”
“... And he never turned up.”
You bit into your lower lip. If you didn’t know it better, Jaehyun was hurt and jealous. But there was seriously no room for him to feel this way anymore. You were separated and it was only a matter of days until it was official. You didn’t even need to talk to him right now, but somehow, you also couldn’t bring yourself to just hang up.
“This time, he did turn up. Among many other things.”
Only then did you realize that tears were pricking behind your eyes. In your peripheral, you could watch Jaemin ordering the skewers already, he was not supposed to see you cry.
“And you know that from a day of spending with him?”
“You know, I don’t have to justify myself in front of you, Jaehyun.”
‘If you still love me, then say it out loud!’ that was what you wanted to tell him. You wanted to grab him by his shoulders, shake him and ask him why he hadn’t told you so earlier. Why Jaemin had to come in between you again for him to finally open his mouth.
At the other side of the line, it had suddenly turned quiet.
“Are you sure about it?” you whispered into your phone. “About the divorce.”
“What is this about?” Jaehyun almost seemed angry now. “We’ve talked about it over and over again. This is for the best.”
“Then stop bothering me!”
Finally, you hung up and took a deep breather. Wiping a tear from your cheek with the back of your hand, you turned your head against the sky. It was still snowing, and the flakes melted immediately on your hot cheeks.
“Everything alright?” Jaemin asked when he had reached you. “Did something happen?”
You shook your head and accepted the skewer he was holding out to you. “No, nothing. Let’s go.”
____
Jaemin rolled his head back, his mouth falling agape.
“Yes, just like that.”
You felt his fingertips grazing over the back of your head, and then, with a firm tug, he had your hair between his fingers, tightly pulling on it. You swallowed a pained squeal, but the discomfort passed quickly as you realized it even added up to the sensation of sucking Jaemin off.
You let it slip past your mouth, only trapping the upper part between your lips, and then halted. With the tip of your tongue, you pressed down into the slit where you already tasted his sticky precum. You smiled when you heard him groan.
This time though, Jaemin didn’t let you get away with teasing him so easily. He pushed your head down his length, and as you didn’t have time to prepare yourself for this sudden action, you almost choked at him hitting the back of your throat.
You weren’t trained in deep throating at all, the only time you had tried, you had wanted to gag so badly. Even now, it wasn’t really a cakewalk for you to suppress the reflex. But as you turned your gaze up and caught Jaemin stretched out gloriously on the couch, enjoying it with angelic moans, you gladly complied, no matter the circumstances.
Jaemin set the rhythm with his fingers still entwined in your hair. He pulled on your strands and lifted your head up his length just to slam you all the way down again until you nearly met his pelvis with your lips. It took you three tries to get rid of the gag reflex and another two to adjust to this submissive act.
“Now, suck it.”
You happily did so as it meant having a break from the excessive motions earlier, and only dedicated yourself to the upper half, sucking him off like a lollipop. You also used your tongue with which you teased him again by letting it glide over the smoothest part, just passing the frenulum. The sound he let out as a result was the loudest you had ever heard pass his lips during an intimate act.
“What was that?” he asked almost breathlessly, and looked down at you.
“You like it?” you wanted to know shyly.
“I love it!” he exclaimed and laughed. “Do it again!”
You felt Jaemin releasing himself into your mouth without a warning not much later, though you felt it pumping past your circled lips. Patiently, you waited until he was done and only let him slip out of your mouth then, falling back into a crouch and wiping over your stained mouth.
With a smirk, Jaemin patted the top of your head, then dropped his hand and angled your chin with his index finger. You faced each other, and you observed his expression changing.
“Now, your turn?” he asked with a bit of danger in his voice.
You swallowed, but didn’t hold him back. You were in for a wild ride.
That was until Jaemin’s phone rang and he needed to interrupt your act. You wanted him to ignore it, but he had already told you beforehand that he was expecting an important call. Just talk about timing…
You wondered what it could be about when you arose after Jaemin had left the room to go to another and take the call. It was kind of a long conversation as you only remembered how you went on to lie in bed, mindlessly scrolling through your phone and losing track of time. The next moment, when Jaemin came out again, it was already dark.
You were standing by the window now, the snow still hadn’t stopped falling. As a matter of fact, it was snowing even harder, and you wondered whether by tomorrow morning, the snow would have put a white blanket over the whole country.
“What happened?” you asked, unsure what to read out of Jaemin’s undefined expression.
That was until he broke out into a beam, closed the short distance between you and swept you off your feet. He had his hands placed under your ribs and swung you around with your feet dangling above the floor.
You laughed and asked, after he had placed you down again, “Will you tell me what happened now?”
“Great news!” Jaemin declared with your hands remaining in his. “That was a producer who’s called me. I’ve been sending demos to different companies for years now, and finally this one is interested in my music! The producer wants to meet me tomorrow, isn’t it great?!”
“Oh, Jaemin! That’s amazing to hear!”
“I know, right?I have to prepare a few things for tomorrow since I have to drive to Gwangju where the company is located, do you mind?” He suddenly drew his brows together and looked very concerned. “I know we had dinner plans, but…”
You immediately shook your head. Of course, disappointment sank into your stomach as you had especially looked forward to this fancy dinner with him. It was your last night together as you were supposed to go home the next day, but another part, a bigger part, didn’t want to be so selfish. She knew that music had always been Jaemin’s dream, and if he could make it his main occupation, who were you to stop him?
“I’m gonna make up for it!” he immediately apologized, led your hand to his mouth and kissed your knuckles. “Tomorrow, fancy brunch or lunch before you leave?”
You nodded, very well aware of the fact that knowing Jaemin for the passionate man that he was, neither brunch or lunch would take place tomorrow. Somehow, it was all high school again, but you were more mature now and there was no room for your own, selfish needs.
Jaemin let go of you and dedicated himself to his music station where he gathered together a few documents. “Imagine,” he then summoned, “if it’s really going to work out and I am really going to be big with my band, we could play so many shows or even do a tour - maybe internationally too! And I would take you with me of course! To America!”
“Jaemin, I have a dog to take care of and a job I’m really dedicated to, you know that. I cannot be on the road for months.” Had he forgotten the words from last night where he had offered to move to the capital for you? Had your wants been overshadowed by his daydreams once again like back in the days?
“Oh yeah…” He scratched the back of his head, but then beamed again. “Don’t worry, we’ll find a solution!”
Again, he was proposing something so far off into the future without asking what you wanted. Aside from the fact that you liked living a domestic life with a stable job and a routine, you didn’t want to be separated from your dog. Or your family, especially your grandmother yet.
And that was what Jaemin didn’t get… again. Just like the fact that you couldn’t think of another marriage already when you were still with one foot inside your current one.
He was impulsive, dreamy and so demanding. But this was what you had wanted, right? Someone to take things into his own hands and consider you in his future, whether you fit in or not.
“Yes, we’ll find a solution,” you eventually replied as he was expecting an answer. And who knew, perhaps you would really find one.
Jaemin turned back to this work and rambled on about how great of a life you two would have together.
Would you, though?
Your current life as it was, was already perfect for you. Just the man in it hadn’t been.
____
With shaking hands, you swiped over your phone screen until, from your blurry vision, you finally saw your husband’s name pop up. Hubby and a heart next to it. You still hadn’t changed it, and for now, you were glad for that as it had made finding his contact easier.
It was only 7am on a sunday, but you knew Jaehyun would pick up no matter how early or late, no matter what, regardless of your dispute from the day before. He had promised.
“Grandmother is in the hospital,” you cried into the phone the moment the ringing stopped. “And I- I can’t go back. I-I don’t have a car and I’m in J-Jeonju, the trains are not running because of the heavy snowfall and I don’t know how to get back, how to get to my grandmother. Jaehyun… C-can you-”
It was rustling on the other line and from your peripheral, you could see Jaemin watching you with a displeased face.
No questions asked. Jaehyun’s voice was still so deep and raspy as you had just woken him up, but his head was as clear as ever. “Send me the address, I’ll take the car and come pick you up.”
“Th-there is snow everywhere! It’ll probably take hours.”
He didn’t ask why Jaemin wouldn’t drive you or why Jaehyun himself should do this even though you were separated. At this moment, none of this mattered except the fact that he needed to bring you to your grandmother.
“I don’t care.” There was some noise on his end of the line, and you could have sworn you also heard a female whispering something, but none of this mattered. “I’ll get going now and will text you the estimated arrival time.”
He didn’t care about the weather, the amounts of snow blocking the streets, whether he would even get through the traffic, none of this mattered.
“Thank you,” you whispered through your sobs.
It was like he still wanted to say something, but only brought himself to end the call with, “See you.”
Jaemin waited for you to finish typing the address for Jaehyun first before he spoke up. “I wish I could change things.”
“You can!” you yelled at him, having suppressed your anger for an hour already.
At 6am, you had been unexpectedly awakened by a call from your mother that held unfortunate news you never wished upon anyone to ever receive: Your grandmother was in the hospital as she had fallen in the bathroom that night and had been unconscious for a few hours before she could call anyone for help.
And Jaemin’s reaction?
He fell into silence again.
“You can change things, but you don’t want to,” you repeated through tears and fled out of the bed as you couldn’t physically bear being close to him anymore.
“That’s not it…” His feeble attempts to defend himself were all to no avail as expected. “It’s just a once in a lifetime chance, if I need to cancel, I might not be able to…”
“My grandmother can also live just this lifetime! I only have her for one lifetime,” you hissed, not sparing him a single glance as you started to throw your belongings into your bag. “She’s fighting for her life in the hospital and you think your music appointment is more important than driving me there? It’s only in the evening, and you’re worried you won’t make it back to your appointment on time, because of the snow?”
“We called your parents and the hospital already.” His voice got louder, more determined now, though it was nothing compared to yours. “She’s fine. You can probably take the train by midday, maybe even forenoon, anyway. I’m just being realistic.”
“You just don’t get it, don’t you? Probably because no one has ever been this important to you.”
The moment you had spoken the words out loud, you already regretted it, but an apology refused to pass your lips as Jaemin only said,
“You are this important to me.”
“I don’t believe you as you cannot even do this for me.”
His music was more important, his career and everything connected to it. It would always, always come first, and this was something that was never going to change, and had never changed, you saw it clearly now.
Your relationship in your adulthood was merely a projection of what it had already been in high school.
Nothing had changed.
____
Jaehyun picked you up from a nearby café four hours later.
You had directly left Jaemin’s apartment the moment you had gathered all your belongings and hadn’t looked back - neither had he. He hadn’t changed his mind about the situation and he hadn’t tried to hold you back, no matter how much you had wished for it.
You were standing in front of the café, still in your joggers and with tousled hair, freezing to your bones as the snow touched your naked ankles, but at least Jaehyun was here, regardless of the weather, his appointments and the time.
He was here.
He had always been here.
You had just been too blind to see it.
The moment he opened the car door at your side, you broke out into tears again, unable to move, and it caused him to actually get out of the car himself to then approach you.
Suddenly, it got so warm around you despite the weather, and even with your teary eyes closed you realized that Jaehyun had pulled you into an embrace. With his slender fingers, he brushed over the back of your head in a comforting gesture as you sobbed into his jacket.
“Your grandmother will be fine,” he whispered into your hair, unaware of the fact that you were currently not crying over your grandmother anymore, but over the fact that he was here regardless of how ridiculous it might sound.
He had made it through the snow chaos and traffic just to bring you home safely. If this wasn’t what your marriage vows had been about, then what was? Was that what your grandmother had been talking about?
You had two hours to think about it as you made your way back to the capital. There were many things you wanted to ask Jaehyun. How serious it was with that woman, if she was mad he had suddenly left her for his soon-to-be ex-wife and if he himself was mad that he was here now. But first and foremost…
“Why did you come?”
“I told you, you could always call me. No matter how late… or early in this case, I’ll always be there. Despite that, I care about your grandmother and your entire family, too. For a large part of my life, they were also my family.”
“They will always be, Jaehyun.”
“I know.”
His gaze was too focused on the street ahead of you as though it was taking him everything in his might to just keep his eyes averted from you. The majority of the snow had been cleared from the streets already so that cars could drive without many obstacles again.
“Are you sure about it?” you repeated from your disrupted phone call the day before. “Are you sure about the divorce?”
“Why does it matter?” he asked back strictly. “Haven’t you moved on with my former best friend already, this time for good, because he’s changed so much?”
“That’s not an answer, Jaehyun.”
You had no reason to feel so attacked, but it still hurt, because he was wrong, even though Jaehyun didn’t know it yet. Jaemin hadn’t changed at all, and you were too proud to admit it. Perhaps though, you had overreacted as well. Perhaps, everything would have gone so well if only you had been calmer and more rational, and had actually listened to Jaemin. Perhaps, you had done Jaemin so wrong.
But Jaehyun was now in the car, driving you back home, and not Jaemin, right? Jaehyun was here, and not Jaemin.
“On the way to Jeonju,” he started, “I had a few hours to think about everything. Have we given it all? Was a divorce really our last solution? What could I have done differently, what could you have differently for us to avoid this outcome. And I just… couldn’t come up with an answer.
“Which means, on the contrary, perhaps a divorce was not a solution either,” you concluded. “But we’ve lived in separation for half a year at that point, Jaehyun. And we were fine with it. We’ve had many talks, so why are we here, ripping open this wound again? What’s the purpose? I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that it only took one weekend for us to doubt this decision.”
“Perhaps, there is none,” he said, and shrugged. “Perhaps, it’s all about what makes us happy, after all. And finding out you lied to me and spent the weekend with him, didn’t make me happy at all.”
Now that he was so honest with you, you could be honest with him too. “I also wasn’t happy when you told me you would get a female visitor this weekend.”
A long pause followed the conversation before you confessed,
“But you picking up the phone and being here with me now, makes me really happy.”
“Yeah,” he agreed quietly, “I’m also happy you called me and didn’t rely on him.”
He didn’t ask what exactly had happened with Jaemin, and you also didn’t ask him about the other woman when you arrived at his empty home much later that day to pick up your dog after having visited your grandmother together first.
She didn’t get hurt except for a bruise by her hip and would be fine after being taken care of in the hospital for a few days. You visited her every day for one week straight, but on neither of these days did you see Jaehyun or Jaemin.
The fact that you were disappointed would be an understatement, but you were too caught up with everything going on at this point that you couldn't waste too many unnecessary thoughts in their behaviors.
____
A week later, you and your mother returned home with your grandma. Despite her refusing your offer, you had still insisted on taking one week off from work and living with her, just in case something could happen again and until she regained her health.
Nevertheless, you as a family had all agreed on hiring a caretaker that would look after her half a day and who would start right after your week off with her. After a few attempted protests from your grandma’s side though, she had eventually given in as well.
“Where’s all the food I requested?” you asked in astonishment as you opened shelf after shelf in your grandmother’s kitchen, but each of them you found empty. “Didn’t father and uncle do grocery shopping? I made an entire list for them and they knew she’d return today.”
“Oh, they were busy last night,” your mother explained after she had taken your grandmother to her bedroom. “They’ll do it later today.”
You rolled your eyes as you tried to fight the wave of reproach against your family. “Busy with watching football all night long probably. What did they think would happen when we came back home with grandmother? There are no ingredients to make food for her and when I looked into the bathroom, she had also run out of toilet paper. What were they thin-”
“Honey…” Your mom placed her hands on your shoulders to calm you down, but somehow, her not getting as heated up as you was making you even more disappointed. Were you the only one who cared? “Please be reassured that everything is going to be fine.”
“How?” you asked back, a tinge of anger in your voice. “We come back and the sheets are not washed, we have nothing we can make food of for her and we cannot even-”
Your mom exhaled deeply as she tried to convince you again, “Let’s just order the most important necessities online, okay? Then your father and uncle will bring the rest later today, it’s really not a big deal.”
“Sweetheart, will you come here, please?” you heard your grandmother suddenly disrupt your conversation.
You let out a long sigh, threw another glare at your mom and then left for the bedroom.
“I’m sorry, grandma,” you apologized as you popped into her bedroom with your head first. “I will go to the store right now to bring you the necessities. You don’t need to worry about this, please relax.”
“I do not worry about this,” she reassured you. “I feel so fine here. And you do not need to worry that much either, it’s all going to be fine.”
“No,” you cried out and shook your head, tears welling up on the brim of your eyes. All your feelings came crashing down on you at once, feelings that you had tried to push aside for an entire week. “Nothing is ever going to be fine again!”
You sat down by her bedside and dropped your head. Her soft, warm hand found your fingers and gave them a comforting squeeze. “Is this about your husband?”
“Yes,” you admitted, and ‘no’ you wanted to say simultaneously as this wasn’t about your husband alone. Perhaps, now ex-husband on official papers even. “Why did he never show up again after going to the hospital with me the first day? I thought… he still cared, not only about me, but about you too. I’m so disappointed. I thought he was different.”
The last sentence was dedicated to both of them, though you confessed silently to yourself that you had never expected this from Jaehyun, out of the two.
“But dear… he did come.”
You lifted your head and wiped away a tear that had dangled on the corner of your eye as you faced your grandmother with much surprise. “What are you saying, grandma?”
“He came every single day in the morning before work, we talked for half an hour when I was awake. I thought you knew?”
You had no idea, and looking at your grandma now, who was grinning widely and also a bit sneakily, made you assume that perhaps, she had kept it a secret on purpose - because the effect, when you found out, would be so much more impactful.
And it was.
“Grandma, I had no idea…”
“That’s why I asked you, before you decided to separate, did you really give it your all and tried everything possible to fix your marriage before moving on? Because, as far as I can see, you’re not the only one not ready to do so entirely.”
“I… I can’t say. I don’t know. And it doesn’t matter anymore, grandma,” you eventually said. “Even if we both wanted it, it’s too late. He has probably already signed the papers and sent them out.”
“Fine. But don’t forget my words. If, at some point in your life, you realize that you have made the wrong decision, don’t hesitate for a single second and tell him.” She leaned back into the pillows. “It’s almost afternoon, I want to sleep. Can you close the door behind you then, dear?”
“Of course.” You gave her a kiss on the forehead and quietly walked out of her room.
Back in the kitchen, you saw your mom sitting at the table, scrolling through her phone. Why was she not up and about yet to do some grocery shopping or at least call your father to do the trip? You were fed up by now, fueled by your grandmother’s words too.
“Mom, I’m going to the store and I’ll take your car.”
“Okay.”
That was it. You knew she had had a lot on her plate too, but why did everyone not take this situation seriously enough?
When you put on your jacket as it was freezing outside, you wondered whether you were overreacting and just putting all your time and energy into this situation, moving here and taking care of things, just so you didn’t need to think about how your own life was falling apart. As long as you could take care of someone else, you didn’t need to face your own problems. Hadn’t this been the root of your downfall as well?
After all, when you returned home after this week, you would get a call from your lawyer to confirm that the divorce was through. You had specifically requested for him not to call while you were here.
What then, after that? Then, you were a divorced woman, and you weren’t ready to settle with this term yet.
“Careful!”
You nearly ran into a tall figure when you opened the entrance door. A familiar scent touched your nose, strong hands holding you by your arms so that you could keep your balance after the impact.
“What are you doing here?” you asked Jaehyun as your gaze simultaneously scanned his appearance, and you spotted two big bags of groceries to either of his sides on the floor.
“I thought since your grandmother would come home today, you would need a helping hand,” he stated and pointed at the grocery bags. You saw toilet paper, rice, water, and other necessities peeking out. “I didn’t know what to buy, so I just brought a bit of everything. Is that… okay?”
You couldn’t help yourself but fell into his arms, hot tears streaming down your cheeks. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off your shoulder, and suddenly, this entire situation didn’t seem so difficult and hopeless anymore.
You had felt so left alone, like you had overreacted and that your feelings weren’t valid. But now your husband was here, having shown up in ways nobody else was. Your feelings were valid, they had always been to him.
Perhaps, your grandmother had been right all along.
No, you hadn’t tried everything possible, because this clearance came way too late now, and you couldn’t apologize anymore for sometimes being a selfish, spoiled brat that had demanded much more from her husband than he was able to give. And always, you had wanted more and more.
Your views on life and the way you wanted to live it had started to take separate roads and you had thought this was not fixable anymore, but was that really what mattered after all?
It wasn’t about who was there for you all the time. Your problems couldn’t have been solved in that way either. That was why it couldn’t have worked out with Jaemin too. It wasn’t about this at all.
It was about who showed up during the times you truly needed someone. And it was always Jaehyun. When you needed support, a helping hand or someone to call during an emergency, he had always been there.
If you needed someone at all times, it could be anyone. But if you needed someone when times were hard, it was Jaehyun.
It had always been Jaehyun.
“Your grandma is going to be fine,” Jaehyun whispered and gently patted the back of your head.
But you weren’t crying over your grandmother anymore, but about your failed marriage.
Because yes, you regretted it deeply and had not given it your all.
Because now, it was too late.
Neither of you spoke about the divorce papers that day.
____
Jaehyun didn’t come over anymore and neither did you reach out to him during the week you lived with your grandmother.
You were determined to make it on your own from then on. Very soon, you were an official divorcée and single dog mom, so it was better to start early with this new lifestyle. Knowing you too well, Jaehyun might have already sensed it as he was leaving you completely alone during that time.
You brought Kang Kang with you to live and thus your days started with walking your dog before helping your grandmother get ready and preparing breakfast that you eventually ate together just like the other meals. Even though your grandmother was still able to do most things by herself, you noticed how slower, shakier and sometimes disoriented she had become.
Time was not stopping, for nobody.
During the day you were occupied with doing chores, taking care of paperwork as well as your grandmother and Kang Kang. At the end of each day, you fell into your bed, absolutely exhausted and tired. Your mind was always occupied as well and there was no space for other things except for those brief moments during nighttime when you were alone and neither busy in a physical way or in your mind.
Then, you stared at the ceiling and wept.
Because you missed Jaehyun so badly and wished for him to be with you. You would have done anything for him to be here right now, but your marriage was over and you needed to move on without him.
Everyday with this realization was hard, but luckily, no day grew harder than the day before. Eventually, they would only grow brighter.
That was your silver lining.
____
Realizing that you wanted to be with Jaehyun after all, meant in retrospect that you couldn’t be with Jaemin. And just because you couldn’t be with Jaehyun, didn’t mean you should be with Jaemin. That was not how it worked, unfortunately.
“Hey, it’s me,” you spoke on the phone, watching the skyline from your window the first night you had returned to your home.
He had promised to always pick up when you called, but this time, he hadn’t. You were struggling to come to terms with the fact that he indeed didn’t want to be reached by you either this time. Perhaps, not anymore at all.
You remembered why you had married Jaehyun.
You had married him, because he took care of the people he loved, because he made things seem more bearable when they weren’t and because when he said he would pick up whenever you called, he actually did. That was not a void Jaemin could just fill.
You would always search for a Jaehyun in his eyes, and that was not fair, because he was not. He was Jaemin, an entirely different person. And there was a person out there that would be perfect for him, too.
“I just wanted to tell you that this is the last time you will ever hear from me.” Softly, Kang Kang was snoring in the corner, filling the pause that then followed.
Maturing was realizing that just because you wanted to be with someone, you shouldn’t be with them. Maturing was realizing that only because you didn’t want to be alone, you should be with someone. Maturing was realizing that even on the third try, some people still weren’t meant to be together.
Tears sprang from your eyes, but your voice gave no hint of it. “Truth to be told, I am very disappointed that you never showed up again… called me, or at least sent a message, asked me how we are. It was a very hard time for me and you just… weren’t there.”
But someone else had been. You dried your cheeks with the back of your hand.
“Yes, I could have messaged or called you too… but why should I have when I was the one suffering? Admittedly, I also didn’t need to. I handled it all myself very well. That made me realize… I wanted this, Jaemin. I wanted this so much, with you. But I didn’t need it. I don’t need you. And the past weeks made me realize that you feel the same. You don’t need me either.”
You could live without Jaehyun and you could live without Jaemin, you just had to be strong enough to make it on your own now that you had neither.
And you would make it on your own.
You had the drive, passion and strength all within you, you just had failed to notice for so long. After all, you had been able to take care of your grandmother, dog and everyone around you for the past weeks. So taking care of yourself wouldn’t be harder than that.
Had you broken down and experienced weak moments? Yes, several times. But that had only made you stronger.
“I’m strong and not afraid, I will always make it on my own. And you will make it too. Go out into the world, perhaps even travel to America where you always wanted to go, make your dream about music come true… I wish for you to achieve everything you’ve ever wanted, with my whole heart.” You swallowed hard and added, “It’s just not going to be with me. I don’t know where my place is yet, but it’s not by your side.”
For now, your best companion was yourself. And your dog. And actually, that was enough.
You finished speaking on the mailbox with, “Goodbye, Jaemin.”
You didn’t hesitate to delete his number and block him all across social media. This time, for good.
The fact that you cried yourself to sleep that night would be your own little secret to keep, but it would also be the very last time you would find yourself in a position to cry over Jaemin, ever.
The next morning, you felt free. The air was clear and crisp. It was cloudy, but not snowing. Thank god.
____
“I apologize for having to tell you this, but Mr. Jeong hasn’t signed the divorce papers.”
“Pardon me?”
It had been a dreadful feeling to take the call from your lawyer the next morning. The more surprised you were about the actual message he had just passed down to you. Your breath caught.
“His lawyer told me he refuses to sign them and sent them back to me unsigned, that’s why I couldn’t send them to you yet.”
You frowned as you suddenly turned utterly confused. “But why? What did he say? Is there something he still wants to negotiate over?”
“They didn’t tell me, just that he refuses to sign them. I’ll resolve this for you, be at ease.”
“Don’t,” you held him back. “I’ll do it myself.”
“You’re not allow-”
But you had already hung up and were halfway out of the door, he didn’t even come to end his sentence.
____
Not even an hour later, you were standing in front of Jaehyun’s apartment door, ringing the bell like a maniac. He looked at you like he had expected you already as you stood in front of him with your arms folded in front of your chest.
“Took you long enough.”
“Care to explain to me why you sent the documents back unsigned?”
“Come inside,” he invited you calmly.
Your eyes narrowed. “Your girlfriend doesn't mind?”
“We haven’t seen each other since that weekend… and I rather want it to stay this way.”
Your heart jumped. That basically meant they weren’t together anymore, you concluded as you followed him into his apartment and took your shoes off in the corridor.
“What about Jaemin?”
“Same.”
It seemed that you both didn’t want to talk about your past lovers, and even though you were curious, if he had to elaborate, then you needed to as well, and there was no way you would ever want to live through the past weeks again.
“I was thinking about our conversation in the car back from Jeonju,” he began as he shifted around to face you the moment you arrived in the living room, “about what makes me happy. When we were separated, we didn’t see each other, and I was happy living a life I haven’t gotten a taste of before. I was happy doing new stuff, trying out new things, being untied from you. Because what made me unhappy… was you.”
Your eye twitched as you didn’t know whether you should feel offended now. But when you let the words sink in and contemplated them, you felt exactly the same. Seeing and spending time with your husband had dreaded you of all your energy and happiness as you two had forgotten how to be happy together anymore.
And you told him exactly that now.
“I agree.” He nodded. “And then I thought about what made me really unhappy. Because up until two weeks ago, I was really happy. And then came you, and you made me feel so miserable.”
You drew your brows together, not quite sure if you had heard right. But you had, and it stung. No, it actually hurt very much that it took all your might to refrain yourself from crying right now. “I… still make you unhappy?”
But Jaehyun’s facial expression didn’t match his words as he nodded. His features were soft, a slight smile playing around his lips. There was no way he could find this amusing?
“It makes me unhappy to see you unhappy. It makes me unhappy to see you suffering because of your grandmother and simultaneously getting mistreated by the guy who is supposed to make you happy. Because if he can’t do it, who will? I was just too blind to see this.”
You dropped your gaze. Jaehyun had. He had shown up in ways nobody else ever had. Just to… see you happy, because he couldn’t stand the thought of you being sad and miserable?
Knowing he was pushing so far, he didn’t wait for you to reply, but instead wanted to know, “What makes you unhappy?”
“When you’re not with me.”
With slow steps, he approached you until he stood tall and calm in front of you. You lifted your head and looked into his clear and sincere eyes.
“Please don’t ask me what will make me happy, Jaehyun,” you pleaded him straight-forwardly. “Because I’m not sure whether you’d like the answer.”
“What if I’d like to hear it?”
You furrowed in worry. “At all cost?”
Jaehyun inhaled sharply as though in tension, but his soft features remained.
“What if you don’t like it?” you asked.
“You will never know if you don’t try, right?”
‘If, at some point in your life, you realize that you have made the wrong decision, don’t hesitate for a single second and tell him.’ You remembered your grandmother’s words too well.
He didn’t expect it though when you threw your arms around his neck and pulled him down to you.
He still tasted exactly like in your memories.
____
“Are you excited, Kang Kang?”
Your dog yelped and ran around in circles. You patted his head when he eventually came to a standstill in front of you and looked up to you with big eyes.
“Are you excited to live with your dad again?”
As though in response, Kang Kang started to whirl around again and you laughed. Lately, you found yourself laughing very often, and every time it came from deep within you with all sincerity and happiness.
In the past two weeks, your grandmother had started to settle with her new caretaker so that you could cut down your visits to once or twice a week, because you were currently busy moving houses. But each time, Jaehyun came with you, and your grandmother was overjoyed.
You had decided to move into a new home together that wasn’t riddled with memories of a very unpleasant phase in your marriage that had almost ended it for good. It was just as big and beautiful as this apartment, but you had already agreed that that one would only be a temporary home as well.
Maybe, not too far in the future, you could move outside of the city where Kang Kang would have a garden to run around in and where he would have playmates, maybe both, a boy and girl.
You blushed at the thought and looked at the engagement ring and wedding band that you had been wearing again since the day you had found out that your husband had never signed the divorce papers.
Just because you could make it on your own didn’t mean you wanted and needed to. After all, you had given a vow to each other, because somewhere in the past, you were so happy, you had agreed on spending the rest of your lives with each other. And that meant something, so much more than anyone not married could imagine.
You weren’t walking down the aisle thinking you’re going to get divorced. You got married, because this was supposed to be forever.
Yes, it was right that it took much less to turn “Till death do us part” into “Till your lack of time for me do us part”, but unlike the worst case scenario, everything else was fixable.
The movers were busy carrying down the last boxes with your stuff while you put Kang Kang on a leash. Looking around your old apartment for one last time, you bid farewell to this home of yours that not only bore bliss, but also destruction. But you had come out of it stronger, better than before.
You wouldn’t say that all your differences were now solved by deciding to get back together. Love alone couldn’t magically make them disappear, that was not how it worked. But you had talked long about this, what you needed to get back to where you had once been.
You had thought of your grandmother’s words every so often. No, you had not given it all yet, you eventually had to admit to her personally too, and she had only smiled, as though in knowing. Jaehyun and you both still had, apart from love of course, the passion, the determination, the strength. And hope.
As long as there was that, your marriage was fixable.
And this time, you would make sure nothing would do you part again.
“The movers are ready, so we should get to the car. Here, let me take Kang Kang.”
Your heart was full of love and hope too when Jaehyun appeared at your door with a smile and took the leash from you after giving you a kiss on your cheek.
Jaehyun was a husband who took care of things, so that you wouldn’t need to. Wasn’t this what marriage was about? Making each other’s lives easier and happier, because life itself was already hard enough.
Your grandmother had realized this very early. What a woman.
You didn’t think of Jaemin that often anymore. Only every now and then, he involuntarily crossed your mind and tugged on your heartstrings as a strong memory that day by day slowly faded, too. His face became blurry when you tried to remember his exact features, and eventually, he would only be a flash of a picture among a string of memories when you thought back to this time. As it had always been.
The only difference was that you had shut down every possibility of reaching out on either side. When you caught yourself wanting to unblock him and look him up on social media, you put your phone aside and let the feeling pass. It really worked wonders.
And one day, even this urge would perish.
When you stepped onto the streets that were still layered with a thin sheen of snow and ice, you noticed that the sun was shining and a touch of spring lingered in the air. The temperature would start to get warmer soon as well.
Your husband helped Kang Kang into the back of the car before he circled it and opened the door for you. And that was it, the huge difference. So subtle, but so grave all at once, it nearly made your heart burst.
“Are you ready to go home?” Jaehyun asked.
And finally, you answered, “Yes, I really want to go home.”
Winter was still here, but in your heart, it was already summer when your husband took your hand.
You wanted rays of sunshine, warm breezes, salt on your skin and the chanting of crickets.
You wanted it to always be summer.
You wanted your husband.
____
One month prior
Jaemin had followed you all the way back to Seoul that very same day your grandmother had been admitted to the hospital, ditching the biggest opportunity in his entire life after all.
After he had seen you so disappointed and sad, mostly because of him, your expression hadn’t left his mind for hours. When it dawned on him what he was doing to you, letting you down in a very crucial situation, he wanted to beat himself up for being such a selfish idiot once again and had directly made his way to the café where you had fled to. But when he had arrived, you were already gone.
Following you all the way to Seoul, he had been thinking of all the ways he could make it up to you. He had booked a hotel in the city and prepared to stay there for as long as you needed him. But when he had arrived, he saw you in front of the hospital and you weren’t alone.
You had been with your husband and he had held you close as you cried in his arms, he had seen it all from his car.
He was too late again, he had thought. But when he had looked closer, the way Jaehyun was holding you and consoling you, he knew that timing wasn’t the problem, it had never been.
You couldn’t be hugged like this by anyone. Jaemin couldn’t embrace you the way Jaehyun did, and it turned out to be a painful realization for him. It couldn’t be him, it also couldn’t be anyone else. It had to be Jaehyun.
It had always been Jaehyun.
___
“May I come in?”
Jaemin stood in front of Jaehyun’s door later that fateful day after you had left with your dog, facing his former best friend in person for the first time in many years.
Occasionally, he would look at his social media after he had found out on a random day that Jaehyun had unblocked him and vice versa. Somehow, they still wanted to know what the other was up to, who they were up to with. The irony of that.
Jaehyun remained quiet, but pushed the door open for him.
“Why are you here?” Jaehyun then asked him when they reached the living room. “She’s not here.”
“I know,” Jaemin answered. “I came for you.”
“So?” He braced his arm against the table and leaned back. “The invitations for the tea party are not out yet.”
“There is no need to be so condescending.” At this point, Jaemin was just so tired and wanted to leave this all behind him. “After today, I will be out of your lives, forever.”
“Sounds tempting. But as you know, we will be officially divorced soon, so she’s all yours to have.”
“But I’m not the one she needs.”
Jaehyun drew his brow together. “You’re the one she wants to be with.”
He smiled mildly and repeated, “But I’m not the one she needs. We don’t need to be together a fourth time to figure this out. You show up in ways I will never be able to, you’re the one she needs, even if she doesn’t see it yet.”
“Well… you’re too late.” Jaehyun shrugged. “I’ll sign the papers and will send them to my lawyer tomorrow. You think she’s some puppet you can toss around when you’re done playing just to pick her up again when it’s convenient for you? That’s not how relationships work.”
“I know.” Jaemin dropped his head in regret. “I’ve never wanted all of this. I’ve always wanted the best for…”
“...yourself,” Jaehyun ended the sentence aloud.
“... her,” Jaemin ended the sentence in his head.
And even though everything was different now, even though he had evolved and grown so much as a person, it was easier to let them believe that he was still the selfish, hard-headed Jaemin from the past.
After all, he couldn't hold her like Jaehyun to make her feel so happy.
It had to be someone particular. It had to be him.
And if he would be gone, then no one could make her happy anymore.
So Jaemin dashed forward and grabbed his former friend by the collar. Jaehyun was too perplexed to instantly react and just faced his opposite with a shocked expression.
“Listen up,” Jaemin growled, “if you send out signed divorce papers, I will come for you in the worst way possible. If you don’t rekindle this marriage with her, I will make your life a living hell. We might not like each other anymore, but we both love her, and if I ever see you making her sad again, you can dig your own grave. You will fix this marriage, no matter the cost, are we in the clear?”
He slowly let go of Jaehyun after luring out a reluctant nod from him. Latter cleared his throat and asked, “... but, do you think she even still wants to be with me?”
This time, Jaemin’s smile was sincere. “I’m absolutely sure about that. Show her again the reason why she was picking you over me, again and again. Remind her of all the traits that make you so much better for her than me, and she will choose you again. If she hasn’t already. Or do you not want t-”
“I do!” Jaehyun blurted out. “I absolutely do.”
Jaemin stretched out his arm and gave his former friend’s shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “Very well.”
When he made his way to the door, Jaehyun stopped him with the words, “Thank you. Honestly.”
Initially, he wanted to turn around, but it was starting to burn behind his eyes, so Jaemin kept his back turned to Jaehyun and said,
“Don’t make me regret this.”
____
Jaemin threw his phone into the bushes on his way out.
So, what now?
He turned his head to the sky, and even though the tears started streaming down his face now, he tucked his hands into the pockets of his jacket and smiled through the blurriness. The wind was cold and burned his wet cheeks, and suddenly, it started snowing again.
This pain would vanish, he was sure of that. When you had fixed your marriage, got children and grew old together, his pain would eventually pass in this timeline.
Yet, at that moment, it felt like it ripped Jaemin’s heart to shreds, even to the point where he wondered if he was actually tricking himself into believing that he would be fixed again or had to live the rest of his life with this ache slowly eating him up from the inside until there was nothing left of him anymore except for the frayed edges of his once so lively soul.
Jaemin took a deep breather and swallowed the next wave of tears.
He had no regrets, despite everything. And he still had hope. As long as there was that and he was able to hold onto these faint strings, he would continue on.
A fresh start, that was what he needed now as he trotted to his car. Far away from you and Jaehyun so that your paths would never cross again in this lifetime. That was the last selfless act he could still offer to you.
America sounded good.
#jaehyun#jeong jaehyun#jaemin#na jaemin#nct#nct 127#nct dream#jaehyun smut#jaemin smut#jaehyun imagines#jaemin imagines#jaehyun scenarios#jaemin scenarios#jaehyun x reader#jaemin x reader#jaehyun x you#jaemin x you#nct smut#nct imagines#nct scenarios#nct x reader#nct x you#nct 127 smut#nct dream smut#nct 127 scenarios#nct dream scenarios#nct 127 imagines#nct dream imagines#nct 127 x you#nct dream x you
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reblogging just for @little-seed's tags. i'm dying.
ritsu having the boring flavorless version of shou's favorite food is so funny to me i know every meal these two share is a nightmare. like shou and ritsu share a box of popcorn chicken and its already a little on the spicy side for ritsu but still tolerable and shou's like "man this is plain :/" and pulls out like 20 packets of chili garlic sauce from his pockets and drenches the whole thing and ritsu had already long since finished his drink so by the time they're done eating ritsu is like shaking and sweating and crying
#YES#YOU SEE MY VISION#forever hcing Ritsu as liking pepperoni pizza without the pepperoni#and ppl are like “just order cheese??”#but it's not about having plain pizza it's about having the toppings cooked in the pepperoni flavor#but the pepperoni themselves are too spicy.#His family is fine with this bc it makes ordering pizza way more convenient than having to order multiple types#and no one's gonna complain about extra pepperoni.#Ritsu has been doing this for YEARS and has a whole system down on when to peel off the pepperoni so as not#to burn his fingers or rip off all the cheese with them--but also still leave the cheese supple and warm enough to#still be enjoyable and not make the pepperoni hard to pick off from being stuck to cooled cheese.#He has a system. His family is used to this. he doesn't have friends to eat out with who have witnessed his pizza habits.#No one brings this up ever.#Enter Suzuki Shou#they eat pizza for the first time together and Shou orders a sausage for himself and a pepperoni for Ritsu bc he. Asked for pepperoni. He i#eating the pizza ta tho??? He is staring at his slice and occasionally poking it while they carry on conversation as normal#and like. Okay. Maybe it tastes funny and Ritsu's just being polite --but has he even tried it yet? No#not other than ripping off a piece of the crust which is a weird pizza behavior in its own right.#And then Ritsu starts methodically peeling and stacking the pepperoni like he's done this a million times#and Shou is not listening to the conversation anymore he is watching Ritsu#And finally when Ritsu takes his first real bite of pizza he's like “i could have ordered you cheese”#But and Ritsu can already feel the tired annoyance ready to set in while he explains but#Shou isn't looking at him like he's some smatr alec hellbent on making life more difficult for himself#He's looking at Ritsu like Ritsu must be holding some secret treasure that he wants in on. Now. and he might be willing to jump across the#table and take a bite of the pizza himself just to find out.#Suffice to say Shou takes the detailed explanation in stride and is privately thrilled to be friends with such a weirdo who will give him#his pepperoni. He also immediately wants to know if it's the same for sausage pizza but Ritsu has never tried bc#picking out sausage bits is too messy. Shou suggests using his powers WHICH. RITSU HAS NEVER THOUGHT OF BEFORE THIS MOMENT#They can't try with Shou's bc he drowns his pizza in red pepper flakes and they both agree that would probably permanently alter Ritsu#for the worst lol BUT cue their next pizza date being them picking the toppings off pizza slices for Ritsu to try.
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Can I just say a massive thank you to everyone who’s ever read my work. From the random user to my awesome mutuals who keep me motivated to keep writing. Not just by interacting, but by releasing work that inspires me beyond anything else. You guys are my muses !!
@hearts4werka you are a fabulous writer with an even more fabulous heart. I love talking to you and sending gifs and pictures back and forth. I may not know you in real life but you are a genuine friend. This app would not be the same for me without you, you stimulate my brain and hype my ideas so I feel comfortable with what I write.
@chrislilcumslvt you have supported me from day one and there hasn’t been a day that you haven’t liked one of my posts. you have such a fun sense of humour and I will forever stay stalking you because you bring so much to the app as I’m sure many other writers will agree.
@chestersturniolo you were one of my first mutuals and your writing is beyond amazing. the talent you have is double the talent I could ever hope to have and your works are imprinted on my brain. I love you to shreds and I hope you know how much I appreciate you.
@sturnioz you write some of the most luring pieces ont he app and it’s no wonder that so many people interact with you, including me. your account is like the forest where all the Chris girls unite to build shit together and I love you for that. At the beginning of my account I was all over your stuff and for a good reason too so you definitely have impacted how I write and made my works more appealing to the readers on here.
@strnilolover you have no idea how much I look up to you. there is no accomplishment that you don’t deserve fully. you are so gifted and have a special place in my heart. being beautiful, smart and kind at the same time is not very common these days but you are an anomaly because you are truly all that and more.
@nikolastrn you support me so fucking much and have no idea how much it means to me. even if we don’t communicate as much tho is my way of telling you that I acknowledge all that you have done and still do for my account. I love you for that and more, you’re fucking wonderful.
@pr3ttyf4wn you are my bestest yap friend on the app and I love what we’ve built between us. you bring so many unique ideas to the table and your account is so interactive. I feel like I can head over there whenever if I’m bored or need to let something out. Usually I’m not very good in people’s inboxes but it’s so easy to talk to you and I truly appreciate that.
@its4lyric you are the reason that starting out on tumblr wasn’t too difficult for me. you’re constant support and spreading of my content has made me the writer I am today with such an abundant following. my heart goes out to you for building me up to be what I am today. thank you for everything.
@55sturn you work so hard to make things happen and your creative mindset and drive are just two of many reasons why you are so widely respected. my debut on this app was raised up by users like you who hype up smaller writers and make everyone feel valued. you helped me find my place here and feel comfortable with being myself on this app.
@delilahsturniolo you have been here for my entire journey and never one have you looked down on my creations. you are such a deserving account and I can’t make an appreciation post without including you. your lively soul and soft presence are like a gift to our community and I’m so glad that I can call you my mutual.
@muwapsturniolo you have such a flaming passion that makes your work cling onto my soul. whenever I see you on my feed I can they’ll but wonder how different the fandom would be without you. anything you say or do is interesting to me and the little life documents make me feel like a friend of yours who can trust you.
@mattslolita you have made history on this app with your one-in-a-million talent. I couldn’t possible imagine my life without the inspiration that I’ve taken from so much of your stuff. not to mention, I’m sure many who enter your inbox feel like your account is a second home because you are so approachable and attentive. You are a household treasure for loads of us, so thank you.
@bernardsbendystraws you have so much skill that I strive to replicate one day. a lot of this fandom thrives off your creativity and I am an avid enjoyer of your work. you inspire me on the daily to keep pushing until my name is known across the fandom for my hard work. I hope you know that you are appreciated on here.
@fallbhind you and your cut skittle account can come and kiss me because there is nothing on there that I won’t willingly read when I have the time. you are a huge inspiration in my eyes and I really can’t wait to get to know you more and grow out mutuality. shine bright bitch.
@sturniolossss you deserve my utmost gratitude for keeping me posted at all times as well as being the least toxic, least problematic queen on here. something about your account makes me comfortable and it’s a nice getaway when I’m stressed from writing or trying to to come up with new ideas. never lose that little spark of humour you got because it does make my day better for one.
There are SO MANY MORE that I could add to this list and I know for a fact that there will be another part in due time. But thank you so much for these amazing users and now…
A special thanks to YOU the reader of you have ever read anything of mine I appreciate you so so much. If you have done me the honour of making the the step to interact in any way I’m blowing you kisses. 1K followers doesn’t seem like such a far stretch to me anymore because of how much everyone on here has done for me. And if you had any part in that, I love you so much! Thank you so very much from me.
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If You Know, You Know.
Big Four Edition (❤️💙💚💛/ ❤️🦅🏹🐯) + One Extra
|Masterlist| Characters: Adam, Vox, Alastor, Lucifer, Charlie, Vaggie. x Reader (Separate) TLDR: Dates around the area with them A/N: Welcome to my dumpster of a mind, where I try to place our beloved Hazbin characters into four to five categories. Will I be explaining any of them? Probably not. Listen, if you know, then you already know. Also, I can't believe I'm falling into this stage as a creator in a fandom. You can take me out of my roots, but you cannot take my roots out of me. Fuck me, honestly. This is the most self-indulgent shit, ever. If anyone irl found out who I am, I would die. Like literally die. Please don't come for me. Yes, this is 100% playing into stereotypes, but it's all in good fun. Nothing I write here says anything about you as a person or a large body of people. Plss lang. Sige an po This is all in good fun, I promise T_T
Adam — 🏹
Come on, this is an easy one. This thing is practically writing himself. Adam would 100% be here. Hatid-Sundo si baby boy by kuya Drivers niya. I can imagine Adam doing such an obnoxious laugh and then going, "Ay, gagi!" ( plus points for the elitism and the momol in hidden spots. I've seen yourFreedomWall)
Adam would walk you around the buildings, especially if you can't go inside. Why is it so hard to sneak inside? He would constantly take you to that one really good burrito and taco place (If you know it, then you know.), and would go to the Power Mac to buy stuff for you because why not.
Vox — ❤️
Hear me out a little. This is Vox we're talking about. So, despite being the type who belongs in the 🦅, at the end of the day, this is still Vox. This holds true considering that . . . uh . . . debate (?) surrounding those who should be accepted into ❤️. While Vox could go with the 🦅, he would snatch up a spot in ❤️. (But like, this is isn't his fault. It really is the fault of the system in place, and we're all proud of Vox because it is a big honor to be here.) Like Adam, Vox would be Hatid-Sundo, and would hang out in UP Town most of the time.
Dates would Vox would include going to Gino's or Nono's or cracking open the books at Tyler's. It would take forever to get anywhere with him because he refuses to walk anywhere, and would either always be driven there or would book a Grab. Plus point for traffic, but you get to bond and talk with him during the traffic.
Alastor — 🏹
He doesn't like being an 🏹 despite majority of the people being really chill and cool. But it's most likely because he bumps into Adam. He's practically crawling up the wall. He sees the life of those in 🏹 and gets really confused at how they act. He rants to Rosie (who would be in the all girl's club) about it all the time. Unlike Adam, Alastor will hop off at Vito Cruz.
Dates around the bay area and MOA, honestly. He would make you listen to his radio broadcast that I do know they have. All four have their own organization. Alastor would take you to Star City, and would insist on walking there because it's walking distance daw, and tricycles are low key a scam there.
(Again, please, don't come for me. 🏹's are mostly chill but come on. You can't deny it. I've seen what the streets look like. I've seen the Power Mac. The aircons.True 🏹 would find it funny.)
Lucifer — ❤️
I don't need to explain why Lucifer would be here. Let's be fr. I will fight anyone who says otherwise.
But unlike Vox, Lucifer would take long walks with you around the oval and the Sunken Garden. Fuck it, I'm even bold enough to say that he would join the run club there if you were into that type of thing. You would eat fishballs and kikiam. There would be no kwek-kwek or balut tho. When you get tired, you and Lucifer would sit by the fountain with the Statue™. Lucifer would take jeepnys with you to get around. If you don't go there, majority of date time would be spent trying to find you a restroom to use.
Charlie — 🐯
I debated placing Charlier either with the maroons or the tigers, but ultimately decided that it would be nice for Charlie to be with the tigers. I don't know how to explain it. It just makes sense to me. Charlie would always have an umbrella with her because rain or shine or terrible rain, she would go.
Charlie will take you to paskuhan at the soccer field to see all the lights and the concert. The food dates around that area would go hard. Like seriously, damn. Charlie would constantly take you to Lover's Lane, and explain all the history of the buildings.
Vaggie — 💙💛/ All Girls
This post is supposed to feature, "the big four" but I don't care. I can do what I want. It's fitting that Vaggie would be somewhere where it's all girl. (That recently started accepting boys too. So that's nice.)
Dates with Vaggie would involve CBTL, but in Regis Center instead of UP Town. Sometimes, you would cross over to ❤️to find something to eat. Tricycle rides to get around, and Siomai would be such a constant in your dates.
#hazbin hotel#alastor x reader#hazbin hotel x reader#Lucifer x reader#Adam x reader#Vox x reader#hazbin x reader#hazbin hotel x you#alastor hazbin hotel#Vox#hazbin adam#adam hazbin hotel#lucifer hazbin hotel#charlie morningstar#vaggie#hazbin hotel imagines#hazbin hotel headcanons
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please please please please tell me about the old fucks
send me a wip title!
nothing to see here just old fucks in old sappy love that's it 🤭
...
“Are you still awake?” Zuko hums. “Are you cold?” Sokka considers it, then shakes his head. “No.” “Too hot?” Zuko asks, already moving his arm, but Sokka grabs it before he can go far and brings it close to him. “No,” Sokka says, snuggling back into Zuko’s embrace. They won’t last like this for long, their seventy year old aching joints eventually needing to stretch, to spread out. But they stay as close as they can for as long as they can, an attempt to close the gap that was between them for so long.
“Is it your leg?”
Sokka lets out a huff of laughter. He turns around so that they are facing each other, noses almost touching. “I’m fine, love.” At the unimpressed glare Zuko gives him, Sokka rolls his eyes. “My leg does hurt, but it’s fine. I just…don’t want to sleep yet. I missed you today, jerkbender.”
Zuko’s face softens, and Sokka smiles as a result.
“I missed you, too. I’m glad you had a successful hunting trip though.”
“Yeah. It will be even better when we take ‘Zumi in a few days.”
Zuko snorts. “I’m sure she’s looking forward to it.”
Sokka raises an eyebrow. “Aren’t you? I promise not to make fun of you if you trip over your feet again when you’re trying to sneak up on something.”
Zuko huffs, and his aching hip forces him to roll over on his back instead of his side. Sokka mirrors his movement, but shuffles close so their arms are pressed close. Their hands find each other without hesitation.
“That was ten years ago,” Zuko mumbles. “I’m much more agile now.”
“Hate to break it to you, darling, but neither of us are getting more agile with age. Izumi, on the other hand, I swear she’s getting more athletic as she ages. And she had two kids!”
Zuko laughs. “That’s our girl.”
“Yeah,” Sokka says, voice warm and soft. “Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?”
Zuko turns his head to look at him. “Nothing in particular. Why?”
“Can I take you out on a date?”
Zuko’s face breaks into a wide smile. “What’s the special occasion?”
Sokka smiles. “Just that I love you,” he responds, as if it’s the truest thing he’s ever said.
Zuko grins. “Okay. It’s a date. What are we going to do?”
“It’s a surprise,” Sokka says immediately.
Zuko rolls his eyes. “You don’t have a plan.”
“I do have a plan!” Sokka protests immediately. “Where is your faith in me? I’ve been planning it for a while, just waiting for the right time.”
“Why is this the right time?”
“Just feels like it. I don’t want to wait until our anniversary, it’s too far away.”
Zuko huffs. “Twenty years. Can you believe it?”
“No,” Sokka says immediately.
Zuko knows what he means. Twenty years of marriage, but they’ve been in love for about fifty. He squeezes his husband’s hand for a second and Sokka returns it.
“I’m worried about Korra,” Sokka says suddenly.
Zuko lets out a long breath. “It’ll be okay. She has us.”
“I just…” Sokka starts. “I don’t want to let her down. I can’t let Aang down.”
“She clearly likes you a lot,” Zuko tells him.
Sokka smiles at that. “She’s wonderful. I didn’t get to be there for Izumi when she was this little, you know? So it’s like I get a taste of that.”
Zuko doesn’t bother bringing up the fact that Izumi was a handful and a half when she was Korea’s age, even without the ability to bend four elements. He knows how much Sokka regrets not being able to be there as her father her whole life.
He just smiles softly. “You and Korra are as thick as thieves.”
“And I worry about Katara,” Sokka adds.
“Yeah,” Zuko agrees with a sigh. Losing Aang was hard on all of them, but it was especially painful to watch Katara lose the love of her life. “You think she’s doing okay?”
“Sometimes I catch her looking sadder than usual, but she seems to be doing better. Still,” Sokka sighs. “I can’t imagine what she must be going through. Even when we were apart, at least I knew you were still out there.”
Sokka sighs. “I was always afraid, though. What if an assassination attempt was successful, what if you got sick, what if something happened and I lost you without being able to tell you how much I still loved you?”
Zuko is startled when he sees a tear slip down Sokka’s cheek and he sits up. “Sokka—“
“Spirits, I was a coward,” Sokka says, choking out a harsh self deprecating laugh.
“We were both cowards,” Zuko says, the only thing coming to his mind right now, but it makes Sokka laugh, so it works, and he keeps talking. It’s been a long time since they talked about this, about their break up and the years they spent apart. “I had the same fears too, you know.”
Sokka moves to wipe the tears from his eyes, but Zuko beats him to it. He keeps his hands on his cheeks, waiting until Sokka looks at him to continue.
“I know we lost a lot of time together. I will never stop regretting that. But we have had nearly twenty amazing years together now, and I’m so grateful for each and every day I get with you, Sokka. What matters is that we are here now, and we have each other.”
“We have each other,” Sokka echoes, then sniffs. “And we are going to be together until we are a hundred years old and we pass away peacefully in our sleep at the exact same time.”
Zuko huffs out a laugh. “Sounds like a good life. I am more than okay with that.”
Sokka gives him a watery smile, then takes a deep breath. “Wow, I’m getting sappy in my old age.”
“You’ve always been a big sap,” Zuko points out, and Sokka scoffs.
“Excuse you, I am a brave warrior and defender of my people,” he says.
“You can be all of those things and also a sap,” Zuko says.
“I’m your sap,” Sokka says.
“You’re just proving my point,” Zuko says.
Sokka smiles, not looking away from Zuko. Zuko lets his thumbs brush the skin on Sokka’s cheek, lets himself appreciate all the ways Sokka’s body has changed, the signs that show he lived a long, good life. The wrinkles from his smiles and laughter are new, but those are still the same eyes he fell in love with.
“Remember when we would stay up talking those days leading up to the end of the war?” Zuko asks.
Sokka smiles. “Always. We both knew we couldn’t sleep because of everything going on, but it was nice to pretend that we just wanted to chat.”
“You should get some sleep,” Zuko says.
Sokka makes a face. “But I want to keep talking to you.”
Zuko huffs a laugh. “Save it for the morning, okay? Or for our date.”
Sokka seems satisfied with this. “Okay. In the morning.”
They lie back down, pressed close, and Sokka leans over to kiss Zuko’s forehead. “Goodnight, love.”
“Goodnight. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
…
“Zuko?”
Sokka’s tone wakes Zuko from sleep instantly.
“What’s wr–?” he starts, seeing the terrified look on his face, but Sokka motions him to stop talking.
Zuko strains his ears, but he can’t hear anything.
“Something is wrong,” Sokka says, grabbing his sword and lunging outside.
Zuko scrambles after him. “Sokka?”
In the darkness, Zuko sees a shape move. He throws a fireball above their head to illuminate them, and doesn’t recognize the shadow.
A child cries.
“They’ve got Korra!” Sokka yells.
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It's those screwballs again
#used one of those draw the squad memes but for some reason i can't attach it to this?#it's not that hard to find it you look for it tho#no evil betsy lee#no evil
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heatstroke
#baldur's gate 3#bg3#astarion#astarion bg3#astarion ancunin#tryin out new brushes#fanart#bg3 fanart#you have a type don't you?#inspired by GQ#I found this concept quite IC for our darling vampire boi#tho it’s a bit hard to find a suitable skin tone for him#my city is cold as hell .. as cania#looking for summer vibe#art
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Hatchetfield @femslashfortnight Day 2: Retro
#would you look at that- it’s another hfff drawing#incredible#some Hollowebby for the soul#I just really think they’re neat yknow#This isn't one of my favorite drawings but hey thats alright#that's cool#they can't all be bangers but for what it's worth it isn't horrible#anyways yeah#now i'm going to go work on Art Fight stuff#very exciting#I don't know how much I'm going to be able to do for it but I guess we'll find out#so much drawing this summer#it's crazy i've been out of school for two weeks and i've drawn like 10 things already#these hands cant stop wont stop#Anyways I love the idea of them skating#I'm a roller blader myself but the skates are cute#did some fun textures and reflections in this one too#I love roller blading tho#wish I could do it more often#fun fact: despite it's portrayal in minecraft- obsidian ranks at a 5-6 on the mohs hardness scale- being the same hardness as opal or glass#idk that's what i came up with for todays fact- i feel like most people know that one but idk#hatchetfield femslash fortnight#hollowebby#miss holloway#webby#hatchetfield#nightmare time#starkid#team starkid#kim whalen
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Lassen shoots his shot right out there in front of the entire crew and Freddie’s only response is “Hmmmmm….try harder :) :) :)”
#what’s funny is how Lassen is 100% ready to take that challenge#like sorry on the list of most unhinged ways to respond to a crewmate’s sudden interest in you#’you’ll have to catch me first’ is way up there#ministry of ungentlemanly warfare#anders lassen#i also laugh so hard every time at appleyard’s incredibly loud ANYWAY#hey can someone help me i’m developing brainrot over two characters in a guy ritchie film and their ten seconds of flirting#guy ritchie when i find you…#how dare you just give me *ONE* scene of intense flirting between the two most unhinged members of the crew#played by two incredibly attractive actors#costume design went crazy in that film- alan ritchson always looks one flex away from busting through his shirts#someone stop me from seeing it again…even tho i just saw it again
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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.." MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi the suckening#arthur bennett#HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT#this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT#ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH#WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME#DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER#HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW#AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE#I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game#but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping#DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds#I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors#what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE#while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs#THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN#WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS#the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band#EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION
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im like the lorax when it comes to women's body hair. we should let it grow.
#eliot posts#the other day my roommate was talking abt how she hates shaving#but does it anyway bc she doesn't want people to be mean to her about her body hair#and i was like yeah i mean i used to#also worry about that bc my mother was always so fucking cruel to me when i didn't shave#but as an adult i find that it's extremely rare that anyone even mentions it (tho my body hair is pretty light so that could be a factor)#but even when people are shitty i find that i no longer give a shit about what what those idiots have to say about my body#but i understand that that can be a hard step to take so if you need to keep shaving for your own comfort then i won't judge#but on the inside i was just like#*ibuprofen hand meme* ''let's get called disgusting hairy d*kes together <3''#i had a great time showing off my pit hair at the pool today!#(i get read as a woman when im swimwear cuz i can't hide my body as much. so i get read as a hairy masculine woman.)#i show off my leg hair every time i wear shorts but like. my leg hair is Pathetic#i look practically prepubescent vis a vis my leg hair (my mother still calls it disgusting lmao)#but my pit hair is pretty good#i occupy a weird gendered place in society where i am more of a man in identify but society genders me as a woman#the only time i feel remotely okay being seen as a woman is when i am seen as a BAD woman. a woman who cannot/will not be A Proper Lady#it's not an entirely ACCURATE view of me but there's Something in it
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'...so if you don't hear from me, i just want you to know that it's because i never loved you.'
#art#2024#fanart#bill's puppet hour aka the best part of the whole book yaaaaay#i love you toxic billford i love you#i enjoyed doing this composition!! this kind of thing is a bit out of the norm for me#tho i apologise that i couldnt get the payphone to look accurate. it was very hard to find good high-quality refs#ah well!!!!!!#gravity falls#ford pines#bill cipher#book of bill
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