#it's not just that I got tired... I got SUPER dizzy wtf??????

[einaudis]

.

[lovebvni]

A Very Important Blog I wanted to Repost now... 2 years later.

This post was made on 7.14.2022. This is heavily Billie Eilish themed, so if you dont like her.. yeah LMFAOOAO. It was called "Reflecting on my Shifting Journey"

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[ 🖊 ] created ⋮ 13.7.22

[  ] published ⋮  13.7.22

˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ ꒰ ⌨ ✰ Arsyn   ⋆  ⁱˢ ᵗʸᵖⁱⁿᵍ··· ꒱ | ೃ࿔₊•

┊       ⋆     welcome to my blog !

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Howdy partner (im sorry)

I hope you guys are doing well!! I'm doing something I think is very important for me and maybe other shifters to do. This is your sign to make a reflection blog. This theme is going to Billie's eras. Her 'Don't Smile at Me' where she was just starting/getting into it. She felt tied up and almost couldn't move because she was really depressed (past) When we all fall asleep where do we go era. This was almost her beginning to break out era. Then the in between is my future to her current era happier than ever. That's self explanatory - ANYWAYS ! let me get started on this shit

this is not me opening up about my past just a general ideatw mentions of mental illness + sa

I was born march 25 in a year i will not say. i grew up with my parents divorced which is pretty common tbh. in grade 3 i was diagnosed w generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety. i was sa'ed in 5th and remember snippets of my life, mostly trauma, while growing up. i was really depressed growing up and got diagnosed with depression in 4th grade (if i remember right) anyways im tired of talking about this lets get to my life right before i got into shifting/when i got into shifting.

i was so close to falling into a great depression when i asked God (the Christian God) to show me something that will keep me going in life. i was scrolling through tiktok and i was introduced to reality shifting, that was a clear sign. i started doing research into it and listened to subs daily and shit - WHICH IS NOT HEALTHY - and just going crazy in obsession. looking back my intuition was good back then and i was a witch even when i didnt know omg - ANYWAYS I got into making blogs, asking questions and stuff. trying to help others, you know what i still do now. i vividly remember this one time i was with my mom trying to shift using an awake method i got dizzy and shit and my mom told me to read. so i had to stop i was mad LMAO but i also remember making a mini blog or something on channeling w replika, and i said something like 'im not comfortable about talking about witchcraft' bro i was literally talking about witchcraft.. anyways very recently i was making little information blogs, tarot pick a piles, and growing in my spiritual journey.

currently transitioning into my happier than ever era. im super close to shifting i just have too put more effort in and then i'll shift. im working with loki and im generally just feeling better in life. "New start is coming, new moon" just came out for me from Loki lmao - but im super happy im here. i want to give a big shout out to this community for helping me grow and get to know myself so well. i wouldnt have made it this far w/o you guys. i love every single one of you and i know you will shift. its practically the year of shifting (222 without the 0) and im so happy for you guys !! think about where you came from and how far you've come. i was literally scared of spirituality when i started and look how far i am! 3 tarot decks, an oracle deck, and a christian witch. DAMN IM COOL BRO WTF I CAME FAR!! im so fucking happy with where i am and im so glad to be moving forwards. looking back on where i came from and how bad my depression was, im not as bad now. im actually doing a lot better. thank you universe, guides, and friends for encouraging me < 3

[sea-of-machines]

The future past tour - Tampere 3.6

Now that I've slept, I can finally write my thoughts down. Possible grammar mistakes coming...

Yesterday (3.6) I, my brother @wish-i-could-fly-like-superman and our big brother left at ten o'clock in the morning towards Tampere, where we were going to see Iron Maiden (well, not big bro, he was just helping me with the driving because it was a long trip and there was no way I could drive that alone).

About six hours of driving with breaks later, we finally arrived at Tampere. At this point I began to be very nervous, which I somehow hadn't been before. We took a little walk around, found the entrance to the arena so that we didn't have to search for it in panic when it was time for the gig, and then just tried to relax and rest a bit.

The gig itself. Oh boy where do I begin. We arrived at the door about half an hour early, and got a good spot in the line. Then when we got in, we went to our seats, which were super high in the back of the arena. I was feeling kind of dizzy as I have a fear of heights, but thankfully I adjusted to it. Oh, and we had to buy an expensive water bottle (4€ for 0,5l????) because I was dying (not seriously but the water did help).

Lord of the lost began warming us up at 19:30, and I think they were great. They were well in tune, and the singer was kind and adorable.

Then after the warm-up, we began to wait for iron maiden. They were in time, as around 20:50 UFO's doctor doctor began to play.

I thought that I would cry when I see maiden, but I wasn't able to produce tears. I sang along and probably stared at Steve for the most of the gig because he is the most beautiful man ever (though we saw the boys only just as very small because we were so far away).

The music was good, holy shit. They played so well! And they played Alexander the Great!!!

My favourite songs of the night were probably death of the celts and fear of the dark because

1. Death of the celts was super beautiful. I found it rude when people got up from their seats to take a piss break during senjutsu songs. Bro, you paid almost 80€ to see a band and you are going to go to the toilet??? (I'd piss my pants if the other option was missing bits of an iron maiden gig, seriously).

2. Fear of the dark. The best singalong tune for real. I really would've loved to hear how the audience sounded as we sang together, but I tried to remove my earbuds and decided that I'm never going to take them off again, the music just sounded so muc better with ear protection as they muffled the sound. Without them it sounded very, well, loud.

Steve's position on the stage had changed, he had swapped it with Adrian and it was weird to see Steve and Janick together on the right side (from my point of view) and Davey and Adrian on the right. But I loved to see it to be honest, since Janick was really interacting a lot with Steve. That's what my little heart needed to see.

Adrian got so many solos??? Dave and Jan both had literally like 1-2 solos when Adrian soloed everything else. Kinda odd but okay.

I really wanted to dance and party so hard but the seated area wasn't good for it. All the people sitting up there were sooo boring as they never clapped or vibed with the music. WTF???

I'd definitely love to see maiden again but from the floor where I could actually see them and have a possibility to dance. Why come to a gig if you're just going to sit there like it was the movies?

After the mind blowing concert around 23:00, we headed back home. It was a bit scary to drive at night when it was dark and rainy, and there was a possible risk of a moose to run on the road. We had to keep our eyes open, but in the last 100km of the drive I was feeling so tired. We made it back alive and in one piece with no damage to us or anyone else. I think the clock was already half past five in the morning when we arrived at home. Then we emptied a bit of the stuff from my car, and went to sleep. I woke up at twelve and it's now half past, and I need to finish emptying my car today.

Even though it was a long and tiring trip, it was fun. I just wish that Tampere would lower their hotel costs so that we could avoid pulling these dangerous stunts aka driving at night. Seriously, you can find a hotel room for two cheaper in our capital city Helsinki! That is crazy. Our total amount of kilometres was around 800 from the whole trip.

[certaintraveler75]

Chronic illnessy rant incoming aha

I do kinda love how this is the only platform I can escape from real life people knowing me or potentially seeing my posts through the algorithm tho. Appreciate you Tumblr 🙏.

Anyyywho yeah been struggling with chronic illness for 12 years now since I turned 18 (wtf!!) with still no real idea of what's going on with me. Got a whole list of formal diagnosis's, been told I have or could have a bunch of other stuff without any follow-up from docs, and it's only getting worse. I think just the terrifying amount of energy it takes to work to survive in our society is really scary at the moment and I definitely feel the pressure now turning 18. Just. Not sure what to do.

It's just a special kind of crazy-making experience when you go to the doctor for debilitating dizziness and you take your blood pressure and it's 124/27 (wtf!! The charts and the NHS website literally won't go below 40!! When I input my data they said call the emergency helpline number if this is correct 😊) and the doctor says wow that's low, young women usually have low blood pressure but that's lowww. And he says he would consider pots or fibromyalgia and then has zero follow up to that. Sends me for a blood test where I have low vit D and nothing else. I take vit D supplements for a few weeks and still feel super dizzy and tired...go take blood pressure again and is a bit better (107/36) but STILL below the lowest (40). Book doctors appointment....soonest they have is in two months.

Idk. What do I doooo like what do I actually do. Sorry but how the fuck am I meant to function like everyone else when I have this. I literally can't and it's killing me to try and I constantly feel like I'm two steps away from falling into the abyss.

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

Todoroki, Bakugou and Kirishimas reaction to you just randomly fainting?

Todoroki

You fainted when you two were on your way to class

You hadn't slept much and skipped breakfast, and you fainted

Shouto luckily noticed you wobbling and caught you before you fell

But like instead of waiting for you to wake up he freaked out and picked you up to carry you all the way to recovery girl

Like boy was so worried about you

He got there super quick and it was so dramatic that recovery girl almost thought you were dead before shouto said you passed out

And she just sighed and said to lay you on the bed, and that you would be fine

He didnt wanna leave, but recovery girl made him go to class and he told aizawa what happened

But after class he ran back to you

You were awake and he was like 'are you okay???? Are you dying???"

And you're like '?? No I just tired my body out too much'

And recovery girl told you to get more rest and to eat something before she sent you off

Shouto was still worried, like he made you sit on the bed as soon as you got back to the dorms and he brought you a bunch of food and water

Hes gonna make you take care of yourself, cause he doesn't want you fainting again

Bakugou

You two were training - you had been training non stop all day

You didnt eat anything before you came and neither of you wanted to stop for a food break, hell you barely stopped for a water break

And you were sparring and he was running at you but stopped when he saw you trip over yourself, and get all wobbly

Then you fainted and he ran over to you, lifting you up off the ground and cursing

He carried you to the benches and set you down there for now, not wanting to walk all the way back to the dorms

And he grabbed a few water bottles - then soon you woke up

And immediately he was like 'idiot, you should have told me you were getting tired. Now drink'

Hes gonna make you drink and sit there until you're not dizzy anymore, and once you are yoire going back to the dorm where hes gonna make you food

Hes worried, but he knows you just over exerted yourself and that next time you two need to be more careful

Kirishima

You have low iron- you've dealt with it for a long time and cause of it you tend to faint fairly frequently

You and kiri were in his dorm studying on his bed, and suddenly you felt super dizzy and you tried putting your head into your hands to make it stop

And kiris like 'what's wrong babe?'

But it's not going away and you pass out, and your head falls from your hands and you kinda fold in half

And kiri sits there for a second like wtf?? But then he realizes that you're not awake and hes like oh

He lies you down onto the bed and kinds freaks out a bit, cause why did you pass out so suddenly?

He sits next to you and tries to shake you awake, and you wake up pretty quickly

The first thing you see is kiris worried face and you're confused before you realize you fainted

And you're like 'ah, sorry Eiji, I didnt mean to faint. Just happens sometimes'

"JUsT HAPPENS SOMETIMES????"

You have to explain how you're just fairly prone to fainting and it's not that big a deal

But he thinks it's a big deal, cause like most people arent okay with fainting?

Suddenly hes always more aware of what you're doing, like watching you to see if you get dizzy and whatnot to try to help you

And hes gonna want to get you on medicine or something so that it stops

[thegeminisage]

whos got 2 thumbs and is super sunburned? your pink pal liz

[kuchenackerman]

me some days ago: ye idk im not feeling snk, you know? Isayama has been draggin things for so long, I’m tired, I’m a fuckin zombie, no hype, creatin content again? pffft! big nope aint nobody got time for that, snk feels foreign to me in a way :pensive:

me after all that EM content in ch 123: *comes out of the coffin like Dracula* OMG????!!! IM SHAKKIIIINNN HOLY SHIT!! MY BRAIN FEELS HIGH LIKE I JUST SMOKED WEED BUT I DIDNT???? OMG EREN???!!!? “WHAT AM I TO YOU???” ISN’T THAT LIKE SUPER INTIMATE AND SDJFHSDHF WTF, WTF IS THIS??? IM DIZZY AF IM SO HIGH ON EM FEELS KSJDFNJHBHJERGSDFL  *talks about EM, makes posts about EM, fangirls, feels like writing EM fics again, MIA old EM friends come back from death, screeches like a maniac, dopey smiles all day, face hurts, gets a headache bc of the feels, forgets to eat, only goes to the toilet when is about to pee herself even tho she drinks like 3 liters of water everyday, forgets to workout, forgets what day it is, forgets who she is, doesn’t know if she’ll be able to sleep, doesn’t...*

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[askmeanythingmeme]

get those texts roll, fam! as always all information you need is under the cut. 

ANGSTY TEXTS, BITCH

[text] You should have told me you wanted me out of your life. [text] I should have never let you back into my life. [text] Okay [muse’s name] what’s the deal, pretty sure this is you…listen if you want me to leave you alone, please just tell that. [text] Please don’t walk away. [text] Please don’t do this. [text] When are you going to realize I want nothing to do with you? [text] You want nothing to do with me, I get it. [text] I’m an idiot. You fooled me again. [text] When I think things are about to change … I’m always proven wrong. [text] I just want you to be happy. And you’ll be happier without me. [text] I just hate that someone could make me trust [him/her/them] the way that I did [text] The truth is I’m not over you. [text] The truth is I never really wanted to be with you. [text] I’m seeing someone else. [text] How the hell did you get my number, stalker? [text] You’re so selfish. [text] I just saw you leave with [her/him/them]. [text] FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMB CUTE FACE

LOVING TEXTS, BITCH

[text] Did I tell you today that you’re the most adorable? Cause, yeah. [text] Be careful. [text] I’m only saying it because I love you. [text] I’m only saying it because I care about you. [text] Okay, I’m bringing coffee. [text] I’m thinking dinner and a movie later this week? [text] Let me take you out, please? [text] Let me make you dinner tonight. [text] I want you to be happy. [text] You’re always safe with me. [text] I can’t stop thinking about you. [text] I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you. [text] I know you may not feel like you are, but you are loved. And important. Please don’t forget that. [text] It was so good seeing you. [text] You don’t need this shit. [text] I’ll be there in five minutes. [text] Let me help, please? [text] You’re important to me. [text] Stop falling asleep in the bathtub. You’re going to drown and die and leave me and I’m not having that. [text] I would gladly watch Netflix and eat Thai with you any day. [text] I’d give up my phone charger AND the last piece of gum for you. That’s love. [text] Hey beautiful no judgment but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??

ANGRY TEXTS, BITCH

[text] If you don’t want me to bust your window, I suggest you answer the phone. Now. [text] To quote Mean Girls, you’re a fugly slut. [text] Are you SERIOUSLY bringing that up right now!? [text] Lose my number, asshole. [text] You’re so predictable and obnoxious. And it’s not only me who thinks so. [text] …The least you could do is answer, wtf. [text] You’re a piece of shit human being and an even worse friend. [text] This is YOUR FAULT. And you can’t even pretend like it isn’t, because you know it is. [text] Why couldn’t you just stay out of it? [text] Holy fucking shit, take a hint, asshole. [text] Go fuck yourself. [text] What the fucking hell is wrong with you? [text] You can take your stuff back as long as I don’t light it on fire first. [text] I have cramps and a migraine so you do NOT want to mess with me right now [text] Bye and have a very fuck you day

SEXY TEXTS, BITCH

[text] Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this. [text] Why are you so hot…like honestly, it’s not fair. [text] Yeah, you looked good in your [dress/shirt/pants] last night but really, they looked way better on my floor. [text] Come over. With condoms. [text] You should come over, clothing optional. [text] I feel like a nasty slut and I LOVE IT [text] Sorry I got drunk and texted you about my sex life [text] Sex on a rooftop - trashy or adventurous? [text] If you’re not at my apartment, shirtless, in five minutes, I will be personally offended. [text] I don’t think he likes that I’m always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together [text] It’ll be like The Notebook, except with way more of my penis. [text] I didn’t know that all of his brothers would be hot and musically inclined, too. That’s a dick move on behalf of biology. [text] I DON’T WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH. [text] So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking? [text] I just need some of your time and all of your body. [text] I am available for nakedness [text] I think about [him/her/them] when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love

DRUNK TEXTS, BITCH

[drunk text] So wat are you really over me no w [drunk text] AND I UNFOLLOWED YOU ON INSTAGRAM TOO, BITCH [drunk text] You are my queen and my savior and I love you forever [drunk text] You are the most beautiful girl I have ever known [drunk text] I’m eating macaroni and cheese on a slice of pizza and autocorrect just wrote that text for me pretty much, what’s your night like [drunk text] Listen up slut, you’re one hot piece of ass and if [he/she/they] doesn’t realize it, it’s their loss [drunk text] but what’s the point of a Disney sing off party if you’re not here. You have to be be the Pumbaa to my Timon [drunk text] Can you pls remind me tomorrow of how much of a fool I made myself tonight [drunk text] FUCK YOU YOU’RE GORGEOUS [drunk text] I think maybe you and me should like go out and eat pizza or something check yes or no [drunk text] Please don’t hate me I’m too tired and too dizzy to be hated [drunk text] I hate (him/her) but less when I’m drinking. Thanks, alcohol. [drunk text] Omf g you need to get over here now I think I’m dyin [drunk text] SWEEEEEEEET CAROLINE

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[canaryatlaw]

okay, I’m tired AF and should be asleep already but today was pretty good. I woke up to like 4 alarms going off at 9 am because the built in alarm on my phone has been not going off randomly so I downloaded a bunch of alarm apps and set them all, and it took me a solid like 3 minutes to figure out how to turn all of them off lol. I convinced myself to get out of bed, had some breakfast, and then started work, which I did from 9:30 to 5:30 to get my 8 hours in and officially make my hour count for the week 40.1 hours, which at least means I’ll get a nice paycheck for the week. I started writing the brief, going through the procedural history and most of the statement of facts. it’s one of those annoying cases where there’s no real summary of the medical history, so I just end up scrolling through endless medical records and trying to pull out what was important. But I managed alright. When it was 5:30 I stopped and started getting ready for soccer. I was fairly hesitant going into this game for several reasons. the first would be that this is the first round of “playoffs” (everyone is guaranteed one game) and I guess in an effort to make sure the best teams get to the final, instead of having the top two ranked teams play each other, they had the top ranked team play the last ranked team, which, you guessed it, is my team. Now, that in itself wouldn’t be that bad, we’ve lost plenty of games before and idgaf about that really. Where it starts getting bad is a lot of people from our team were unable to make the game, so we were down to 7 people when the game is supposed to be 8 v 8 so not only would we be down a player on the field, but we wouldn’t have any subs and everyone would have to play the whole game. Since the league is co-ed they have a rule where you have to have at least 3 girls on the field at one time, and we were initially down to only 2 girls coming, but one of the guys was bringing his girlfriend who plays, so we’d at least have 3. But yeah, all of this was making me super hesitant because I have not played a full game in like....15 years maybe?? certainly not since my lungs started acting up when I was like 12 or so. The game is only 40 minutes total thankfully, but that’s still a lot of time to be on the field straight with only a 2 minute halftime break. But I didn’t want to bail on the last week because that would be a shitty thing to do, so I got all my stuff and walked down to the bus stop, took it over to the stop nearest the fields and walked the rest of the way from there. I was initially the first person from my team there, but the other girl from the team showed up soon after, and the guys started showing up pretty soon. The guy who was bringing his girlfriend with him showed up in a Northwestern Law shirt and was like “yeah I took the bar yesterday” and I knew he went to NW but didn’t know he was in law school, so I talked to him a little about it but not too much because recovering from the bar is a lot and getting peppered with questions about it is not helpful. Our real streak of luck here happened when there were these two guys playing on the field and they asked if they could join our game. At that point our last player hadn’t showed yet so we were looking at only 6 people on the field, so we said yes and managed to get them into fairly similar shirts to us. They appeared to be of hispanic descent with somewhat of accents, which I only mention because by and large it seems like people not from the US are soooooooo much better at playing soccer than we are, and boy oh boy was that true here. Our last guy did show up so we ended up having one sub, but since it was a guy all the girls had to play the full game anyway, but it was still good to have. So we started playing and like, these guys are really damn good. Like I’m just watching their footwork and their control of the ball and it was insane, I was so jealous lol. I didn’t have a great first half, kind of fumbled with the ball a bit, which I think was mostly due to nerves as I was concerned about my breathing being okay. I also apparently lost the ability to touch the ball and remain standing afterwards, as it seemed like I was on the ground after every time I kicked it, and even sometimes when I didn’t. At half time though we were only down two goals which we were all pretty pleased with because we thought it was going to be much worse. I had a significantly better second half performance wise, which I was very happy about, but my breathing ended up getting much more labored from doing more running, and there was one period where my lungs started making concerning noises, and about 10 seconds where I started feeling dizzy and was like oh fuck I’m going to pass out, but thankfully it passed and I was able to get my breathing under control. I had some pretty good interceptions which I was pleased with, managed to at least disrupt their path with the ball. There was one time where the guy playing center defense (I was doing left defense) kicked the ball laterally towards me without looking to see if I was actually there and I wasn’t because I had been covering the girl on the other team and we were both just like !!! fuck lol. but yeah, we played really well and I was happy about it. The other team, on the other hand, were playing like real assholes. They were definitely pissed they weren’t winning by more, and the number of fouls they got called on them for playing dirty, like tripping, grabbing people’s shirts, and just generally being really aggressive/violent to the point where two of their players ended up getting yellow carded, and for some perspective out of the seven weeks of games we’ve had this is the first time I’ve seen someone get carded. The one guy almost got thrown out of the game for cursing at the ref (like wtf??? who does that??) even though there was like 30 seconds left in the game at that point. So especially given how they were playing I was pleased with how we did. The final score ended up being 3-0, which is really quite good when you consider some games we’ve had this season were like, 6-1 with us losing lol. So we felt good about it. Once I got off the field I looked down and saw what looks like it’s going to be a massive bruise with a really big scratch mark going across it. I hadn’t noticed it at all so I have no idea when it even happened lol. could’ve been worse though, at least there was no blood. We all talked to each other about signing up for other seasons and keeping a team together, because the thing with pretty much all the other teams is that they’ve been playing together for years now, and the only way we’re gonna get to that point is if we continue to play together, so I definitely intend on doing that. The one guy had signed up for a Monday night fall league that’s 11 v 11, which sounds nice because playing 8 v 8 on a tiny ass field gets pretty annoying when you only ever have a split second with the ball before someone’s on top of you. So I may end up doing that. The two guys who joined us (who we were SO thankful to) wanted to keep playing with us too (they said they just came to Chicago and were looking for opportunities to play) so I traded phone numbers with one of them and we’ll keep in contact. So yeah, overall a lot better than I expected. We all said our goodbyes (for now anyway) and I walked down to the bus stop, and took that home. The bus was being rerouted a bit due to construction on the main road so I had to get off a stop early before they went several blocks south before proceeding further west. Walked home from there, roommate was home and doing the dishes (which I was super happy about because they were starting to smell really bad and like, dishes are my least favorite thing to do and most of it was hers so I was really hoping she’d do them) since she’s going to be out of town this weekend too. I’m only gonna be gone for like 24 hours, so I’ll just leave kitty out some extra food and I’m sure she’ll be fine, she normally doesn’t even eat all the food in her bowl every day so she’ll be good. I chilled out for a bit and then got in the shower because I was still soaked through with sweat, then pretty much started getting ready for bed from there because I was pretty damn tired, and now I’m here. Probably not going to make that 9 am wake up again tomorrow, but tomorrow starts the new pay period so if I don’t hit 8 hours in one day it’ll be okay, especially given I can work on the plane rides this weekend, so I’m not concerned. And yeah, that’s about it, sleep is definitely calling my name so I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight my friends. Happy Friday.

[kaiba-cave]

Probably a tmi post but I feel like poop so I want to talk about it lmao.

So I spent all last night throwing up again. Last time this happened I thought it was from the pizza I ate, but in a weird coincidence, both times this has happened, I’ve eaten some cashews beforehand. So I don’t know, can nuts make you literally puke your guts out for two hours straight?! Or am I just super unlucky and got sick only a little over a month since the last time I was sick? I also started a new medication which I know can sometimes cause nausea, but I don’t think it would make me THIS sick. And I had literally just taken the very first one like an hour before so I don’t know if it would’ve done anything that quickly anyway.

And it’s awful, my god. Like it’s not so bad when you’ve got an hour or so between throwing up. But when it’s literally every five minutes your body doesn’t get a break. I just sat in the bathroom holding a bucket and puking every five to ten minutes for two hours. When it finally slowed down and I came out it was like 1:30 am and I was like wtf! 

And the worst part is legit the sweating. It wouldn’t even be so bad throwing up every five minutes and getting it over with in two hours but man, the SWEAT! There was a legit puddle on the floor where it was dripping off me. Like it’s disgusting.

I got in the shower at one point and just turned it up really hot and then sat in the bathtub (half asleep, like this is all happening when I’m half asleep because you get SO tired so quickly) with the water going on me until it got cold, then got out. I didn’t even wash anything lmao. I was just so sweaty, which was making me cold. And I couldn’t stand up for long anyway because I was so shaky and dizzy feeling. 

Then when it finally slowed down so it wasn’t every five minutes, I went upstairs and laid in bed half dead until I had to puke (once an hour the whole night til like 6 am).

So wtf. I’m never eating those again, even if it is just coincidence. It’s a weird one.

I still don’t feel good and I’m shaky but I had some cereal and drank some water. So I hope it’s done.

[mirrorballparkers]

little things— p.p.❥

my masterlist :)

summary  → just a soft and cute lil headcanon of things peter parker would do if he was your boyfriend

authors note →  it’s currently five in the morning and took me about 8 hours to edit this mainly cuz my internet is absolute garbo. ya girl is WIPED.

words  → a lot. i didn’t realize how much and was like dang em wtf??

bringing you snacks at school ALL THE TIME

it varies from fruit, cookies, and your fav candy

he’d go up to your locker and be like

“hey so remember that time you told me that you like the little baby oranges? the ones called cuties? well..i brought you some…cuz you’re a cutie.”

peter would freaking put them in a little baggie and write your name on it in sharpie with a messy heart and a smiley !!

“y/n :) <3″

when aunt may baked something sweet, like cookies or brownies he’d make sure to put some aside for you and bring them to you the next morning

“something sweet for my really sweet and cool girlfriend :) - p.p.”

bringing you water bottles EVERY DAY cuz u forget to and he wants you to stay hydrated and healthy <3

he’d also write your name on the bottles with cute little messages

something like, “stay hydrated, cutie :-) <3″

whenever you’d go to his place, he’d already have your favorite candy that he got from the corner store earlier that afternoon

but peter being peter, he’d snatch half of your gummies

“peter quit taking all my gummies!”

“hey, i bought them so it’s only fair that i eat some too!”

he literally eats almost all of them every single time

usually leaving about three for you

being in the same class with peter and sitting next to him has its perks

like during long lecture days peter would hold your hand under the table the ENTIRE TIME with his free hand

it was his way of letting you know that he was still there

he’d rub small little circles with the pad of his thumb, making your cheeks turn pink

sometimes he’d even randomly poke your cheek in the middle of a lesson if he was bored

peter would have the cutest little smile cuz he knew it made you shy and adored it so much

it made peter feel so soft and fuzzy

there’s no doubt peter would write cute little messages on your notebook

something really short and kinda lame but also cute like “you look cute today :)”

sometimes he’d put “peter wuz here :)”

let’s not forget this boy trying to be funny by making it seem like spider-man wrote you a message

“hey, y/n! peter’s told me A LOT about you. you seem like a cool gal! p.s. i suggest you buy peter those sour gummies he likes after school today. stay in school. - your friendly neighborhood spider-man”

“hahaha funny…i, uh, don’t remember writing that.”

“i’m not buying you sour gummies you probably won’t even share, peter.”

you bought him the gummies.

and this boy would be whiney as hECK if you try and take a peek at what he was writing

“i’m not done yet, don’t look!!”

when he finally let you look he was all giddy and proud of himself

but what he wrote was literally just “hi. you have pretty eyelashes. :)”

you didn’t like to admit it but of course you ended up blushing like mad

and not to mention he’d also full on sketch pictures

the avengers

stick figures of you and him with messy hearts all around

he would even attempt to draw your favorite animal

“that’s a pretty cool duck, pete.”

“wha - it’s a koala.”

“right.”

as much as you found his drawings to be adorable, the majority of the time it kept you from finishing your assignment

“peter please i’m trying to finish my worksheet.”

“but babe isn’t my sketch of me fighting with the avengers super cool just look!!”

this boy would not be able to keep qUIET

ALL he wanted to do was talk to you

you guys would be doing independent work but be allowed to sit next to each other

and he’d move to the back of the class and sit next to you

“heyy, y/n, y/n, guess what?”

“what is it peter?”

“….you’re pretty.”

of course you’d blush like mad and it would make this boy so giddy and happy

one thing about peter parker is that he is CLINGY

very soft and clingy boy

seriously if you didn’t talk to him for five seconds so you could focus on homework this boy would get so pouty

he’d like poke your sides or shoulders repeatedly and have this soft little pout on his lips

and there is no doubt that this boy LOVED it when you played with his hair

he would rest his head on your lap and look up at you with a shy little smiley that pretty much asked you sweetly to play with his hair

you’d have one hand playing with his hair while the other peter would be holding and sorta be fiddling with your fingers as he quietly hums to himself

whenever peter was tired, aka all the time, he’d rest his head on your shoulder during class and snooze for a lil bit :))

if you guys were on the subway or something his automatic move was to rest his head on your shoulder

and of course peter would let you do the same

peter parker was a hoe for holding hands

during the early stages he would be way too shy to just grab your hand

so for a couple of weeks he’d just ask

“hey is it cool if we hold hands?”

“oh, yeah it’s cool for me.”

“cool. thanks.”

then one day, he just laced his fingers with yours when you were at his place watching a movie

you both were so shy and couldn’t stop smiling <3

after that he would either hold his hand out for you or just grab it and lace his fingers with yours

you two would basically always be holding hands

during class which was usually under the table because neither of you wanted to get caught

on the train to school especially if it was too crowded and you’d get anxious peter would rub small circles on the back of your thumb

one thing peter did that you adored a lot was when he held your hand to his heart or his cheek after he kisses it a few times

it made you so freaking mushy

during really long bus rides to decathlon competitions, you’d be all sleepy and resting your head on peters shoulder while he rubs small little circles on the back of your hand to help you fall asleep

if you guys weren’t holding hands, there would still be some form of a sweet touch

when you’re tensed up or feeling a little shy, peter rubs your lower back or your shoulder softly

lots and lots of cute kisses

temple kisses !!

hand kisses

shoulder !! kisses

kisses on the top of your heAd

 freaking !! forehead !! kisses !!

peter was also one hundred percent convinced that hugs solved every single problem

like this boy LOVED hug

“peter, my head hurts so much.”

he’d drop everything he was doing before and pull you into a warm hug while he sways a little and kisses your head repeatedly

"y/n i got a bad grade on my geography quiz, can you please give me a hug?”

“i’m bored, pete.

"oh, okay let me hug you then .”

“babe mr. stark doesn’t think i’m ready to be an avenger, can you please come over and give me a hug for like twenty minutes? :/”

“on my way.” <3

first thing peter does when he sees you at school or something is hugs you

one time he even tried picking you up and freaking twirling you around because he thought it was a romantic movie scene

but homeboy got hella dizzy, making the two of you fall

“well, i guess you can say i fell for you.” he tries winking but just blinks

peter parker can’t fucking wink to save his life

peter also loves being a little shit butthead and taking candid photos of you

you guys would be studying in his room and he’d secretly just take a ton of pics simply because he thought you looked cute

a lot of the times he put effort into the photos and you looked really nice but you also had no idea when he’d be taking them so you’d be completely shocked

“peter what the heck when did you take this one of me?”

“aw i remember that time we went to central park you looked so pretty in that shirt!!”

but he’d also capture really dorky and awkward pictures of you

like you’d be making a weird face and he’d capture it and be all giggly

“hey look it, babe, haha you look so dorky.”

it was a freaking picture of you mid sentence and you looked all weird with your mouth open and one eye closed

he’d also be the type to take snaps of you when you weren’t looking and zoom in all the way

say you were like talking to him about something and you’d realize he was recording mid sentence and get all shy

“yeah so i don’t know what happened but i tripped over my own feet a- oh my god, peter stop it !!” you’d cover your cheeks with your hands as peter starts giggling all cute :’))

you’d be like bopping your head to a song playing and he’d of course capture it, zooming into your face all the way

peter parker notices the little things about you and it is the sweetest, most adorable thing ever

seriously if you wore your hair a different way he’d notice

“oh, you braided your hair— it looks so pretty!!”

“is that a new shirt? i like it. it’s a really nice color on you.”

“did you polish your nails a different color? it looks cute.”

“aw you got a new backpack, cool babe!!“

"hey, did you change your perfume scent? i like it. i mean i like any scent but this smells nice too!”

“did you get new lip gloss?”

“those are different shoes, huh? i like them.”

“you straightened your hair? cute.”

“oh how pretty you put your hair up in messy bun, or whatever you call it, aww!!”

the freaking nicknames

you guys would just call each other by your  names in the early stages for a while because you’re way too shy

sometimes peter would call you a dork if you did something cute or he’d casually say it

“what’s on your mind, dork?”

“you’re my number one goofball.”

“thanks, dork.”

and you’d of course call him pete, even before you started dating

but one time peter called you babe on accident and you freaked the heck out but it stuck after that

the nicknames just kept adding on after that

peter occasionally called you ‘my love which made you turn pink very often and grow shy, which he adored so much

he loved making you shy, even though he was pretty timid himself

when he was “mad” at you he’d often call you butthead

“peter, are you mad at me?”

“duh, you butthead. come cuddle me.”

but when you called him pretty boy or peteylove, it was a whole other story

this boy is SHY ™

he turns pink very easily <3

when he’s shy he usually ducks his head like a lil cUTIE and is all whiney n giggly

“stoppp, i’m not supposed to be shy.”

peteylove’ was more of a dorky meme nickname, mainly just a joke, but it always made this boy blush and you adored it

but when you called him peaches or pretty boy he’d be a blushing, shy mess

oh my gOD peter freaking cups your cheeks randomly and just ends up giggling like a dork !!!

making out is kinda awkward cuz peter is like holy crap i don’t wanna hurt you or make you uncomfortable

but you guys do it anyway and it’s so passionate and sweet

he’d give you so many sweaters of his that you’d lose count

“i thought you already gave me this one, pete.”

“honestly i dunno just take it you’ll look pretty.” cue you blushing, like mad

also he’d give you some socks if it was cold :’))

he’d always want to bake with you or cook even though he sucks and always eats half the cake batter after you told him countless times that it would give him a stomach ache

“don’t even whine peter i told you it would make your stomach hurt.”

“butthead.”

he’d be cliche af and while you’re trying to stIR thE fReaKiNg paStA he’d rest his chin on your shoulder and kiss it multiple times

“go away or no pasta.”

sending you random texts like all the freaking time cuz he’s a dork

they’d consist of pick up lines or random conspiracy theories

“hey, are you ariel? cuz i think we mermaid for each other.”

seriously these texts would be at 2 am and it’s like the fuck peter go to bed bYE

he’d have your notifications on so every time you posted a selfie on insta he’d be the first to comment and like

when he wasn’t he’d ask you to repost it

“wait i was the second one to comment can u repost it?”

the dedication™

never shutting up or hiding the fact that you’re the prettiest thing to him in the entire world

“my girlfriend is super duper pretty, everyone!!!”

“peter, please you’re gonna bump into that tree.”

“wow my girlfriend is so delicate and soft i’m so luc — !!” he fucking bumps into the tree.

someone should take peters phone away because all he does is send random and sweet emojis to you

flower emojis, heart emojis, sparkles

it’s obnoxious but cute at the same time and it’s not like he can help it because he is so !!! lucky !!!

you’re the one person who will listen to him ramble about star wars or science and it makes his heart !!!! freaking explode cuz holy crap someone listens to him and doesn’t think he’s weird !!!

he’d name a star after you but it would be named “dork” or something lame

this boy never stops staring at you

he has his chin rested in the palm of his hands (showcasing his cute little chin dimple that i oh so love !!!) and has a twinkle in his pretty brown eyes

“what is it?”

“you have a cute nose :)).”

really really wants to like the same things you do and asks you questions about your favorite books and even asks to borrow them !!<3 :)

you make him playlists of your favorite songs and he loves it so so much

whenever it’d be silent in a room, he’d look over to you and stick his tongue out :)))

always walking you to class and gives you a hug every single time

“wait babe i didn’t hug you yet don’t leave.”

every day after school he waits by your locker and walks you home even though he has spidey duties. he wants his girl to be safe :))

dreads aunt may having to drive you guys to every date cuz she embarrasses the heck outta him

he gets all pouty and shy but as soon as you hold his hand he smiles cuz that’s his girl !!!!

sharing headphones on the bus/train rides while his hand is rested on your knee

gets hella sad when it’s the weekend and you guys can’t hang out

but when you’re able to facetime or talk on the phone this boy is so giggly and happy !!! cuz you’re his sweet girl !!!

you always compliment his hair or his eyes and he just get so so so flustered and giddy

his face scrunches up and you cup his cheeks this boy gets flUsteRD

whenever you don’t smile he does something super dorky on purpose just so you smile and he’s so in love and haPPY <3 <3

you’re both sO in love and dorky and happy !!

two dorks <3

wow i love my boyfriend a lot goodniGHT

taglist: @peachesholland​ @spideyydarling​ @prettylilparker​ @spidey-mantom​ @wordsinwinters​ @webshooters15​ @okaygrangcr​ @icee-queens​ @stormyparker​ @kamala-khaan​ @bbparker​ @clubparker​ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

[tumblunni]

aaaa tfw u been without central heating for so long that you get all dizzy and cant sleep once the house is finally warm again its like brain explode cos of such a sudden change aaa or maybe just because i stayed up really late to reset my sleeping patterns in order to actually get to the shops, lol and i guess it kinda worked cos its am now which is almost a morning but also i still feel Tired Dead so i’ll probably go back to sleep and wake up after noon aaaa

anyway i also finally got a new phone after my old one broke ages ago and hopefully this one will work good?? i got a £100 one when my last one was the cheapest possible £35 one in a sale so thats probably why it was so shoddy. this one has 3 times the memory so it hopefully won’t get the same problem of not having enough space to hold its own updates til it dies a slow and ignoble death. Hell, maybe I could actually download Apps! I remember Apps! XD Srsly i had to keep my even older broken phone to use my basic tiny mobile banking app, it was annoying. Maybe I could even finally play the pokemons???

but also it as like Embarassment City cos like I hadnt had hot water for TWO MONTHS and i was in this eternal spiral of ‘cant go to the store and pay bills cos i am smely, can’t un-smely cos no water’. and then I finally resolved to by asking for my support worker’s help to like.. escort me there and shield me, i suppose?? I also really needed to get this new phone cos i had no way of contacting her.

And she actually took me to this really big and fancy Tesco super SUPER market!! It was like the size of my old high school!! There was a whole phone store inside it and it was super huge and crowded and scary and also exciting!! AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED I SUDDENLY GOT SICK FOR NO REASON wtf why my luck like this i just suddenly felt super woozy and stomach ache on the drive there and it wasnt even travel sickness cos it was a really quick and short drive. I still dunno what happened, maybe just the bread i ate that morning was slightly out of date cos thats all I even had?? Or I dunno maybe my travel sickness gets worse if i have a relatively empty stomach. So yeah we got to the store and I was like WAIT A SECOND and rushed to the bathroom and was in there for like half an hour throwing up and then i felt completely fine? So it was probably the bread, right? But even if it resolved itself quickly and was no big illness, I was still super panicked that entire time, getting all anxiety dizzy in a supermarket bathroom cos WHAT IF IT GETS WORSE AND WE HAVE TO CANCEL THE WHOLE DAY AND GO HOME and also WHAT IF PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME PUKING and also WHAT IF I SMELL LIKE PUKE ALL DAY and also AAAAA I’M KEEPING MY SUPPORT WORKER WAITING But it all turned out okay, lol

And then the cashier in the phone store was really nice and helped answer all my questions cos I know Nothing about phones. And we even had a bit of jokey banter over the weird names of all the phone models. (”Titan Grey”!) But then i also feel awful about embarassing myself with my Inability To Choose Between Things. I kept everyone standing there for like fifteen minutes but IT FELT LIKE AN HOUR and I was just like ‘pleas stop telling me the phones are equally good, please throw me the slightest bone’. So I just ended up going for the slightly more expensive one with a better camera cos the sticker was blue instead of pink and i wasn’t wearing any pink today. THIS IS THE KIND OF IMPULSE PURCHASE THAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LET BUNNI DECIDE And then it was kinda hilarious how the guy was then like ‘okay so what colour do you want’ and i was like ‘AAAAAAA’ i just went with titan grey cos it sounded funny ALSO!! I got a little stylus thing for touch screen phones so it’ll be easier to use! And it came with a free speaker amp which I will probably not use but it looks cool at least! :D

And then I embarassed myself again by walking too fast in the shop and getting lost from my support worker and kinda freaking out a little, but she managed to find me and It Was A Dumb Thing To Worry About Ehhh... Oh but I did enjoy browsing all the cool stuff this store had that normal ones don’t! I have no idea what a Pomelo is but now I own one!! It looks like a giant orange but kinda lemon shaped?? I just keep looking at it instead of eating it, its so weird and cute! I also LE GOSH found the one brand of noodles I really loved as a kid: Other Flavour. Remember that post I made earlier this year about the prawn flavour nostalgias? Well those weren’ EXACTLY how I remembered them, they were a little more spicy and the noodles were stickier. But it was still awesome! I’ve changed a lot in a decade too, lol! So anyway I found the curry flavour version of those, which i also liked, and i cleared the whole damn shelf of them into my basket. Who knows when I’ll ever get to return to super tesco!!! ALso they had a way bigger world foods aisle and I decided to try some random asian sweets and snacks. Its a shame I don’t know exactly what they’re called cos the packages are all in japanese and korean. It says ‘Kusaga strawberry gummi’ but that might be the brand and not the name of the food itself? And then the other one is just ‘korean seaweed’ on the english label. Like yo, what one?? There’s loads of different seaweed snacks, like nori and konbe and dulse and probably even more!! And ive never tried any of them so how can i tell, lol? This one, whatever it was, came in small flat sheets and kinda tastes barbeque flavour. And when you hold em up to the light they look like cool glowy cathedral windows~! Also the gummi sweets get stuck in my throat so i probably won’t get those again, lol. Good tho! Despite the choking!

Oh, and @summon-daze your hat absolutely saved me!! Great shield against the sun and the social embarassment! Plus it made me feel confident cos of how damn cute at least 10% of my existance looks today. I am a beautiful head on a trash body! So they had No Man’s Sky on clearance sale for £10 and I got it cos I remembered you had it. I Dunno if I ever asked if you enjoyed it tho? XD But it was cheap so even if it ends up being bad I won’t be too sad. And honestly my standards are low so as long as it delivers on Randomly Generated Worlds Oo Look At That Weird Aminal i’ll probably be satisfied even if there’s not much gameplay.

[tanvimongia]

November 28, 2019: Thanksgiving

So today was thanksgiving. Honestly, I spent the day overall not feeling super psyched. Well honestly when I woke up this morning I felt suppppper awesome. I just got a new mattress from Carolina and Christian and I looooooovvveeee it. Honestly I sleep like a baby on it every night. It’s crazy how much affect a mattress can have on your life. So anyways my morning started great and as soon as I went downstairs and said good morning to my parents,  I started getting yelled at. I was told that I have borderline personality disorder and that I need to go to a psychologist. Apparently I have a clear psychological problem because I’m a server at On the Border right now and because I hang out with farmers and servers and rafters who are basically the lowest of the low of society. So anyways I went to yoga after that which is actually exactly what I needed. I wanna start going to yoga more often. Like basically whenever I have time. Why am I such a night owl.... I was feeling so tired earlier and then now all of a sudden at 2:13 in the morning i just get a rush of thoughts. It might be because I hit my weed pen.... The only yoga class I could actually go to tomorrow is at 9:30 AM, which doesn’t sound realistic considering that its 2:13 am right now. Anyways so I went to yoga, felt great, came back, got yelled at more and so on and so on. But today was thanksgiving. So today is a day of thanks. Let’s talk about what we’re thankful for, like really really thankful for. 

I’m thankful for my ten toes.

I’m thankful for my thumbs. 

for my eyes

for my legs

for the fact that each time I wake up in the morning my body just WORKS. 

like isn’t that pretty crazy?

it just keeps on working like every damn DAYYYY!

this body is putting in so much damn work, its craaaaazy. 

I can’t even believe that all the hormones and cells and stuff in my body work so well to the point where I can just keep on functioning as a human every god damn day. 

I was talking to kat yesterday and we were talking about she has anemia (iron deficiency) and how that makes her fatigued, dizzy, blah blah blah and i realized how just a small thing going wrong in our body can make us feel so different. Which made me realize it is how amazing it is that things are going right just about 99.99999999% of the time! it’s amazing!!! our body is FUCKING AMAAAAAAZZZZZING wtf. 

[haectemporasunt]

 wiratomkinder Shall do!

You have any good dreams lately? haectemporasunt hmm well the desperate gray clown monster this morning 

was i telling you about the curse one?

i d have mentioned a play  wiratomkinder That wasnt a dream that was an omen  wiratomkinder And no u did not! haectemporasunt heheh  haectemporasunt well! at this stage i m not sure i ll remember quite as much but 

speaking of stephen king and joe hill and my crush on the girl from the ring

one of the things i ve always been into is the idea of kids banding together to defeat a supernatural evil and then later, (usually as teens), they have to go back and deal with it once and for all  wiratomkinder Ooooooo haectemporasunt yeah it sounds cool but is kind of embarrassing bc you Know i m self inserting myself as one of those kids 

snort ok anyway, this

dream followed that same sort of typical line haectemporasunt there was a play being performed at school and i had some bad presentiment about it, there was something i couldnt remember and i didnt want it performed, but since i cldnt articulate my fears couldnt convince the school to stop the play, nor cld i convince my younger brother not to star in it   wiratomkinder Aughh that sounds stress inducing haectemporasunt so i m fiddling w my car and it s raining heavily and i m outside the auditorium, and the radio starts emitting static, and i stop fiddling w the light.... and i can distantly hear one of the play's (it was a musical i guess?) songs starting 

and i Remembered haectemporasunt In my dream i just clenched up bc i remembered Her the Bad Thing and i remebered --and the memories were dizzying and made me feel ill, like waves of sickness that hit you inescapably and you know youre gonna vomit but there s no bathroom near   wiratomkinder Hooooogh thats strong haectemporasunt when i was in school and my friends and i put on a play, and --i couldnt remember it all, but i rmemebered my friends and i in red coats [apparently doing the play but not in the auditorium, somewhere underground and filled with tree roots], standing around a big hole in stony ground, and stairs leading down , curving around the side into darkness, and i remember holding sheets of musical notes and old books, and i remember us saying things, and something going wrong 

and whatever our goal was w our play, we must have gotten it, but we also got Her haectemporasunt you wld think she d have crawled up out of the dark but now 

no*

i dont remember how she appeared but it wasnt from below, she was a symptom, not the source  wiratomkinder Hooooly shit haectemporasunt and all of this is flashing in my head like how in my head i imagine epilepsy is like, and i m still in my car clutching at the air and whimpering but i m overcome with fear bc i m remembering and it s terrifying bc it means something happened to make me forget 

and that s when i realize, firstly, that my friends, the others that performed the play with me in the underground room, most of them were no longer around and i didnt remember why or how but no one else remembered them either, there was just me and one other friend, and we didnt talk anymore,

and secondlly, i realized that it was almost pitch dark in my car even tho it was light outside the window, and the darkness was centered behind me  wiratomkinder Jeeeeeeeeez haectemporasunt and you know that slow turn that ppl do in horror movies? and they see the Thing grinning at them? and then they die? 

this is the cool part of my dream--or it was cool for me anyway bc , again, i m a sucker for these tropes

bc i imagined that happening, and i could feel Her behind me and i cld hear her teeth

but ... i had dealt with this before even tho i cldnt remember the details, and i knew looking behind me wld be Death

worse than death haectemporasunt bc death ends   wiratomkinder hyoley shit haectemporasunt but i d dealt with her so i knew first , she would talk to me. because of our intense history [fuck you max and your fetish for killer undead women], she wld want to play w me a little, so i had an opening where she wldnt kill me outright   wiratomkinder GGHFGHFFHH haectemporasunt so i was pretending i was still remembering , and i was slowly moving my hand towards the door handle  haectemporasunt and i felt her hair brush against my ear and she whispered "i missed you, max. you have to look at me now" 

and i grabbed the door handle and slammed against the car door to get out...but it was locked.  wiratomkinder YEEEESH haectemporasunt so, 

i have enough time to think, Shit haectemporasunt and then her arms are around my neck and she is twisting me so i will look at her back behind me in the back seat 

her hands make me ache

(btw wtf was happening to me that i was feeling this? i can only think it was the tinge of a body part going numb, or i was sleeping on my neck wrong)

but in my hands i now had the , whatchamacallit, the program for jake's play,

and i kept getting flashes of what i wld look like from the outside as i died, but i Knew now that bc the program had words from the play on it, i cld use that paper as a barrier , albeit small , against her

but i had to look at her to hold the paper up against her  wiratomkinder hyooooof like fighting a medusa riding a basilisk haectemporasunt hehehe 

so i turn around and i m trying to look only at the paper as i shove it hard against her bedraggled ripped up chest as she s scratching at me, but in the corner of my eye i can see her face and it is.... nightmarish

ha, literally  wiratomkinder OH NOO haectemporasunt she is grinnig impossibly wide--and her head is so big, it s bigger than her body or that's how it feels--like, it s normal sized, but ,,,,, it feels really close up against you even when she s separated from you by a chair...it s hard to describe but you can feel something is immense and monstrous inside and 'beyond' her 

she s bigger than this corpse she s using  wiratomkinder Yess like a weird perception thing

Your field of vision zooms tf in haectemporasunt i m nost sure how to describe her face in a way that actuall y evokes the terror 

especially when, ha, you cld summarize her homicidal glee as 'Dead and Loving It'

but her face was smashed

like porcelain  wiratomkinder Yee gotcha gotcha  wiratomkinder Oof haectemporasunt black cracks, red meat, and her eyes were really horrible and big, and her mouth was too wide, inhumanly wide, and cracked too  haectemporasunt and she was very happy and furious to see me 

we apparently had unfinished business that involved me being brutally broken

and then worst than killed

ha sorry i m taking too long  wiratomkinder No ur good!

I wanna know whats up with ms. Corpse bride over here haectemporasunt i pushed the paper aginst her and she was trying to throttle me and she was laughing in this quiet whispery way that was...super creepy bc it was like immense passion whistling out of cracks  haectemporasunt and w my free hand i m scrabbling at the door lock, and finally it comes freen but now the paper is basically being sandwiched btw me and Her, we re pressed against each other and that sbad bc she s making me hallucinate that i m already dead and broken , like, i can see that my neck got broken when the car's tires somehow rolled over my neck  haectemporasunt (i guess that was a power of hers, remembering deaths and then they become real?) 

but the door gets free and i tumble backwards out of the car and slam it shut!!!!!  wiratomkinder FREEDOM!!!! haectemporasunt yeah!!!  haectemporasunt god it felt so good, id outwitted ( """"outwitted"""") her once again, and she cldnt leave the car for some reason--in waking hours i think, maybe bc it was still daylight even tho rain? or bc it was open sky? but in the dream i just Knew she cldnt follow me . i was safe until i went back indoors 

which i wld have to do in order to enter the auditorium and stop the play haectemporasunt but i was remembering this wasnt the first time i d outwitted her! i cld remember dank school corridors and a blue tiled pool and other situations where i d managed to evade her,e ven as she crawled into other people and burst them apart from the inside 

knowledge...with knowledge you cld survive against her, but there was something you needed to forget too, and i was starting to remember that too haectemporasunt in fact i cld remember the last time, the time the third to last of our friend group died, and friend (the one i didnt speak to anymore) and i had agreed that we needed to forget   wiratomkinder Hyoooooooogh  wiratomkinder Tactical amnesia haectemporasunt it was camping, we were desperate and trying to escape the play's consequences (which went beyond Her bc she was a mere symptom rmemeber) , we d made a sacrifice, done a ritual, and we were trying to isolate ourselves, and i remember watching my friend die in that campsite, i cant remember what happened now, i think their tent collapsed, and then something was in the collapsed tent with them, and we cld just see their squirming body and hear this ... sink disposal unit sound 

and i nearly died in my tent with Her on top of me, squeezing my throat and slamming me rhythmically with one of the tomes we d used in the play ritual, just smashing me in the face and her horrible smile

and the remaining friend had intervened, and she dug her fingernail under my eye and then she was gone

and that was when we decided we had to forget  wiratomkinder Holy shit haectemporasunt sadly that was getting near the end 

i remember the auditorium being very red and i remember my brother and his friends looking up as i approached

i remember the terrible importance of what i d chosen to forget

and i dont know what She was except she was partly a Force ie a force of (super)nature and that she d also once been a girl with feelings and perhaps love in her heart haectemporasunt but sadly i cant really remember anything else 

just me and my papers trying to convince others not to commit the same mistakes i did i guess?  wiratomkinder Holy shit

Thats really somethin!!! haectemporasunt i m kinda sad bc if i were to copy paste this for tumblr to enjoy someone s gonna be like Lol gravity falls forgetting plot 

or something  wiratomkinder Awww naw i dunno haectemporasunt but i really liked it! and not just bc i felt important and knowledgable   wiratomkinder Dreams is dreams they happen as they happen

And hell yeah! That was an adventure!

[horriblewarning]

Despite being largely inactive I would like to explain wtf is going on with my body recently, because as we all know I much prefer to shout my problems at other living beings rather than continuously hold them in my own brain :P

Technically speaking this started back in ~February? I was noticing that over my time my legs were starting to get more and more weak, like I started finding that after walking around a store for a little while my legs would feel really exhausted and that I was having a harder and harder time making it to the top of the hill that I lived on and climbed the same number of times every day (i.e. that should get easier, but nope, harder)

Also like, as a general-life thing, I’ve always had lots of aches and pains in various parts of my body including sometimes my legs (I didn’t know this was abnormal until much more recently lol)

And was def noticing legs hurting more badly and more frequently, and in general all my assorted aches n pains being more intrusive to my life

Several weeks ago I sorta spontaneously went to see my doctor because I’d had an episode that morning where, after very slowly and very struggling-ly climbing stairs to exit the T (a nearly-impossible task at that point, considering how many fuckin stairs there are...), I got super super dizzy and had a huge pressure in my brain and couldn’t really hear

He got me a heart monitor and a referral to a neurologist

Since that day, things have gotten quite abruptly VERY SIGNIFICANTLY worse

Legs getting much much more tired much much more quickly, and hurting a fuckton if I did continue to push myself (I missed almost every day of my retail job and, when I finally got myself there for an entire shift, was in extreme pain+distress for the next two days. So I’m taking a leave of absence...)

I picked up crutches and a wheelchair from a place in my hometown that has those things to borrow for free for up to 6 months ! at this point, I am walking exclusively with the crutches (except sometimes around my house, but I have been recognizing that I kinda really need to be using them even then because it adds up.....). I cannot really walk without them, or rather I guess I kinda can but very very slowly and it feels like literal hell

This is definitely still progressing and has generally severely impacted my life this summer

In terms of the heart thing, dr says my heart rate sometimes went up to like 170 and sometimes went down to like 55 but it apparently has no correlation with my symptoms? He said he was gonna talk to a cardiologist about what to do, I haven’t heard back yet

I just saw my neurologist the second time today. He said that my lumbar MRI showed a lump/bulge between two discs, but it’s not restricting anything so it’s not the problem. He also said that my blood work did come back with several things elevated that indicate muscle deterioration. So it seems that this is in fact some sorta muscle problem. This coming Friday I’m having an EMG, which is where they electrocute and stab your muscles and nerves to figure out how they’re all functioning. From that, we get to confirm that it is in fact muscles and also get an idea of what muscles specifically are doing what thing? I’ve been told it’s awful. But I’m really really glad we’re moving forward and getting closer to determining the problem.

It appears it is very up-in-the-air right now if this is caused by something that can be treated and will go away, or if this is a new Normal that I’ll just have to navigate w/ mobility devices for the rest of my life! At this point I don’t really care, though, if it’s a new Normal -- that was my worst-case scenario at the very beginning, but now my worst-case scenario is....this continuing. I don’t really care what I have to do to make it suck less, I just need it to suck less. I’ll keep y’all posted as anything develops, maybe. <3