#it's not entirely my fault. i needed health insurance. i still don't have proof that i have it. anywa

[saturatedsinset]

i mean. you know what i'm going to ask for commentary on.

that's right, the as yet unwritten drewseth sequel where seth gets to be Drew's pretty sundress girl.

(but also. at least for now you're innocent my beloved)

at least for now you're innocent

i say this in the author's note but i did literally just. wake up. with the image of seth licking dean's belt in my head. from there it made the most sense to me to do it around money in the bank 2016, because of the Nameplates and the Significance of. you know. roman's name, dean's belt. seth's belt. dean's belt.

i usually have a lot of trouble figuring out how to open a fic, but this one didn't give me any trouble at all. i'd been reading a lot of aistic's fic - a lot of the atmosphere is sort of cribbed directly from Rehearsing My Pretty Please - and 2014-2016 shield stuff has a really specific aesthetic for me - yellow light, clean soulless hotel rooms, the dark, pressing weight of seth's Hunter Problems. it's a very, very clear image for me, and even now, just reading a few words of the first paragraph, i can see it.

the collar was a sticking point for me. i thought about it, and then knew that i wanted it involved, but i couldn't quite come up with a justification for why dean has seth's old collar. i don't quite remember the exact line, but i did originally have one comparing seth's dean collar to his hunter collar, which was obviously more ornate and ostentatious. you can kind of see the way that genealogy survives in this line:

“With you,” Seth mumbles. He can’t fathom the thought of being anywhere else, holding anyone else’s collar in his hands.

what did give me a lot of goddamn trouble in this one is the Fucking Ending. the bitch would not end. i remember writing this in between like four deadlines for papers in grad school, one of which about fifty shades, one of which about shield fic itself, so it was really uhhh. hectic. for me. and also it takes me a million years to write a sex scene, and it takes me a million years to figure out an ending, so i kept going "okay. i'll finish it by [x date]." i think my original deadline was june 14. i guess i was only ten days late. anyway

//ask me for a fic/passage for director's commentary!!

[you-can-face-this]

anon friend- hi! thank you for pinning the post- i appreciate it <3 Omg, i can imagine that must have been SO anxiety-inducing, but I am so glad that all your friends (and cafe guy) helped you pull it off. cafe guy literally sounds like the sweetest soul EVER. I think you are right there, I think that this is solid proof that they would be even more understanding if they knew the situation in more of it's entirety. I totally get that you're still processing it, something like that is scary to pull off but I'm real proud of you. I hope your finals and the move went smoothly. And omg, I am SO happy that you haven't had a panic attack or mental breakdown in weeks and that you have healthy outlets for if you do. Darling, that's actually amazing, I hope you are just as proud of yourself as I am of you <3 Maybe even if your friends knew, they might be able to help more with finding financial help that would mean you wouldn't be reliant on them? I obviously don't know what the available financial support is where you are- i know you tried getting help from people at the school, but perhaps this is more reason to tell your friends what's truly going on? and angel, there's no need to thank me- you've done this all on your own! you are the one who has had to be strong and face things and persevere. never give up, there's always good ahead of you. this isn't forever, you will get out of this situation. i know you don't 100% believe you will, but you also didn't think things would get this good, and they have. You're the strongest, and i'm sending you so much love back <3

hi anon friend <3 ahh i have so many updates!

- i've had my few weeks of decent mental health & fun times and then the burn out caught up to me and i've been physically sick & in bed for the past few days rip :( it forced me to stay at home and really rest for the first time in a while tho and i think that's been super refreshing mentally because i felt so much better when i got back to work today!

- unfortunately, when i get sick somehow it's my fault & i'm a lazy b*tch who ruins everything & my p*rents get mad at me :)) so i've been getting the whole anxiety package (endless texts & calls yelling) lately lol and it pissed me off so much that i ended up finally telling 2 of my closest friends here what's going on! obv not my entire childhood (gotta process with a therapist first lmaoo) but what went on during my gap year & how i'm planning on going no contact asap. you were right – they were both very understanding & concerned & have been trying to send me little pieces of helpful info whenever they come across some!

- my school health center therapist said it'll be even harder to get appointments once the fall semester starts so i'm looking for a separate ~real life~ therapist now (i finally got my insurance started so the sessions are actually affordable!). this means i'll get more consistent & frequent help so hopefully i'll be more mentally stable soon lol

- my research professor is in the process of turning my position into an official on-campus job so that i can get qualified to be paid hourly! it's going to be such a relief getting some kind of money on a regular basis 😭& possibly even being able to save up a decent amount of it for my escape plan! i'm also considering telling him a little about my situation (just the part pertaining to when i'll be graduating, since he'll probably ask about that soon for the job) & seeing if he has any other info as a faculty member

- cafe guy really is the sweetest 🥺i've never met someone who i get along with so easily – so much so that i actually thought he was lying/a player/a serial killer the first few weeks adskf;asdf he's very sensitive and aware of mental illnesses + his own issues so he always says something reassuring & validating before i can start spiraling lol this is clearly not the ideal time for a relationship but we have even that fact in common so we've agreed to take things slowly & see how it goes

thanks always for your kind words!! <3 <3 <3 i feel like the day i get out of this mess will come sooner than i've expected – partly because i'm looking into so many new things and partly because i cannot stand it anymore akdfj;asdf i've also opened up a lot more about this to my sister to make sure we're on the same page (she's my little sister so i've been feeling like i needed to singlehandedly figure out how to get us both out) & it's great to have another person in on this with me!