#it's not actually too late. she just thinks it is. she doesn't see a womanhood for herself outside of motherhood

[avainblue]

by the time you understand your mother it's too late to save her

[eeblouissant]

It's not crazy at all, it follows the pattern of how Dorothy bites back at Blanche sometimes "when I had my hump fixed", leaning into the hurt to own it. A "if I say it they can't" thing. It makes sense she'd also do that with her outfits sometimes, it makes more sense even, because it's literally never commented on when she dresses more masc which is really starkly contrasted against how she's the center of jokes when she wears a nice dress or pretty jewelery. So the message is that she's expected to dress like that, it's accepted when she dresses like that. It is very easy to see how she might try to embrace that as armour. And the control aspect is something I've thought a lot about too because I was actually wondering if that's why she continues to seek out men - she's in control of her supposed heterosexuality. she is an active participant in her straight reputation despite being miserable about it, most of the judgements about her in that respect might be negative but in her head they're still based on actual choices she made and she can still do better, can still "fix" it. But her being viewed as a lesbian has never been within her control, which is a very different kind of miserable and why she prefers the trap of heterosexuality to confronting her attraction to women. It's assumed she's gay and assumed she's a specific kind of gay, and those assumptions are about who she is not something she's done, and they don't go away. She can't escape being gay which means she can't escape being bullied for being an "ugly man", becquse those things are synonyms when theyre directed at her ,whereas being with men presents her with the possibility that she can escape being seen as a loser divorcee if she successfully remarried. This definitely ties into what you were saying about Dorothy seeing femme Jean and even masculine Clayton and how their homosexuality isn't assumed because they're seen as doing womanhood and manhood correctly where she's basically regarded as a failure, how on a very specific level their being open is a choice in a different way from just being out where she does not have a choice in a certain respect and that makes owning her sexuality extremely difficult. What I'm saying, in case it's not clear, is that there's being out and then there's being able to pass as het and being out, theres choosing not to pass and being out, and then there's not passing and being outed. Jean and Clayton are in the first boxes, Dorothy in the last. She doesn't actively resent them but there's going to be some kind of pain there because the choice has already been taken from her and its that pain that's at the heart of this whole meta. She is simultaneously deep in the closet and the closet has been destroyed around her while everyone points and laughs.

This ask (about Dorothy) is quite old, & I had thought for sure that I had answered it initially (because it left me absolutely speechless when I read it for the first time, in a VERY good way. I ended up rambling to Twitter about parts of it because I was just in tears at how accurate it all was - again, in a very good way!!!) Anon you’re incredible & I think this is one of the best, if not my favourite, reads on Dorothy’s character in regards to her sexuality & presentation. Holy, I don’t even have the words. Thank you for your service, the Dorothy brainrot has been kicked back into full gear

Anyway, anon I hope you don’t mind me sharing so late. I just had to share this because it’s too good to let sit in my endless pile of unanswered asks. (that I am currently cleaning out ☝🏻 my apologies)

[robzombies-hotwife]

I've been thinking about gender a lot lately, and how kind of divorced I feel from the whole thing.

It's confusing and strange. When my mom was pregnant with me, she said they tried several times to find out what sex I was on the ultrasound. I kept turning away from the camera and they didn't know until I was born. On a more mystical side note, she says she instinctively just knew that my brothers would be boys and my sister a girl, but she had no idea at all with me. In a way, I'm still turning away from the camera and making it difficult for other people to categorize me.

Physically, I'm really tall for a woman and I've been heavier for most of my life, so I have always felt a disconnect from womanhood. How can I feel gender dysphoria about my height not being feminine when I was literally born a woman? I think my face is attractive, even pretty, but I acknowledge that it's rather androgynous. My speaking voice is naturally lower too. Maybe it's the PCOS that made me this way.

Because of my ADHD and honestly, bisexuality, I also tend to exist somewhere in between and also outside of gender expectations in terms of gendered social behavior. In many cases, this unsettles people.

Aesthetics actually don't change a lot of people's perception of me. People see me, and talk to me, and they are visibly unsure what to categorize me as. It doesn't matter how long my hair is, what I'm wearing, if I have makeup or nail polish on, etc. I know this because I presented very masculine for 8 or so years (due to some trauma and confusion) and have spent the past year and a half exploring femininity. This is all despite the fact that I have a reasonably large chest and curvy hourglass figure, by the way.

And what about sexuality? Is it so wrong to love women as a woman, as a man, as something in the middle and apart from that? Is it so wrong to love men the same way? Is it so wrong to love effeminate men, and masculine women, and people who shift between presentations like myself, and people who exist outside of that?

I know there's nonbinary, but that's not the point for me. I don't really care about what pronouns people use for me and I don't care about gendered terms and I don't care about changing aesthetics or surgeries. I don't want to make it a whole Thing. I just wish I had a way to explain how I feel in a way that other people can understand.

I like feeling glamorous and stylish and beautiful. To me, that doesn't literally align with being a woman or a man. It is absolutely not my fault that American culture codes "having fun with your appearance" as feminine behavior. I don't do that every day, but it's still fun to decorate myself whenever I want and as much as I want. It's not just clothing, it's a whole vibe. On stage, I've played people of all sorts and I've always seen the character first and not their gender.

What else do I want? To be understood. To be left alone. For everyone to free their mind from gender roles and expectations. For the many people who are attracted to me to accept their attraction instead of being weird about it. To be loved.

Rather than really stressing over making a solid and coherent identity (which sounds tiring), I'm just gonna play it like Prince and leave it at that.

[pynkhues]

Thanks for answering my question about Bridgerton. Really loved hearing your thoughts. I personally love lady featherten and I agree with you. I often am drawn to characters more specifically women who are really just survivors. The audience may think of them as villains, but that’s not the case . Totally different vibes but I’m actually in the middle of good girls season three so late to the game Ik, but low-key she reminds me a lot of Beth in many ways. I also agree with your take on Cressida .Wow that girl was going through it and it really sometimes felt like I was watching two different shows . I feel like the writers dropped the ball with her story and yes, Penelope giving her the money would’ve been really great to see . thanks again and hope you have a great day.✨♥️

(x)

You're very welcome, anon! Thanks for the ask.

It's actually one of the things I love about Penelope too is that she has a (not to quote IWTV, haha, but) sliver of coldness in her, which is generally on show with Lady Whistledown. She's so warm and compassionate broadly speaking, but it's that little shard of grit where she can write what she writes and expose people without all that much regard for the consequences - particularly when it's her own security at stake as it was with the modistes in s2 - that makes her compelling to me as a character. Like that's interesting to me, and I think it's one of the issues I had with s1 is that Daphne is, at least for most of the season, so without interiority and complexity.

I know that that's something people like about the books, but one of the problems with adapting such a frothy romance into a TV-series is that these sorts of romances are often low-stakes, low-conflict, which works for quick, breezy reads, but doesn't when you're trying to sell an 8-season show (+ spinoffs) to a mainstream audience. The writers are obviously searching for conflict points, and while I know a lot of people didn't really like the Featherington subplot in s2, I think it worked as a means of contextualising both Penelope as a person and her position in society ahead of her s3 arc.

Penelope's a lot more like her mother than she'd care to admit, and it's that ruthless ability to see a situation for what it is and figure out how to make it work for her that makes them both interesting as characters.

But ah! I'm delighted you're watching Good Girls!! I love that show an embarrassing amount, haha. It's imperfect, but I think was underrated in its time and will be one that people go back to because of the ways it explored class, crime and different aspects of womanhood while still being genuinely very funny. I can definitely see the similarities between Beth and Portia too (I actually had the thought as I was replying to you that Beth could've been Portia in a different era and place, haha).

Hope you're having a great day too <3

[transmascrage]

When it comes to transmasc representation in old media no one fits better than Oscar François de Jarjayes from "The Rose of Versailles" (1979) (Lady Oscar for my Italian friends). So much so that at some point I thought of having Oscar as my second name.

He's a fictional character set in a story based off of real-life Marie Antoniette as a teenager.

He's raised as a boy because he's the youngest of six, and never actually goes "back" to being a woman, because he dies fighting during the French revolution.

Oscar’s identity is a cause of great conflict in the manga and the anime. His agency is constantly taken into question, everyone around him is convinced he’s being forced to be a man by his father, when he’s constantly rejecting womanhood.

Transgender Identity as Parental Abuse, And Oscar's Agency

It's important to mention that Oscar is almost always referred to as a woman. The people close to him know he’s not cisgender, and always refer to him as a lady. But people who have never met before assume he’s a boy. 

He's always told to be more feminine by those around him except, most of the time, by his father. His father's decision to raise him as a boy is actually portrayed as dramatic, with thunder and lightning.

His friend André calls him Oscar while André’s grandma scolds him, telling him to call him Milady Oscar because of his lower rank as a servant. 

And even as Oscar tells her he likes it better this way, André’s grandma brushes her hand on a dress, reminiscing that Oscar could be wearing that instead of his boy clothes, and that she hopes one day he'll attend a ball dressed as a beautiful lady.

Later she drunkenly moans: "Oh poor Oscar, there's a conflict inside of [him], [he] doesn't know whether to be a man or a woman!"

Throughout most of the show, actually, people think Oscar acts like a boy because it's his father's wish, when it's Oscar himself deciding to present as a boy.

Oscar's agency is always questioned, just like it is for transmasc people and trans men (as well as the vague entity known as “the children”), supposedly "brainwashed" young girls. Many transphobes actually think trans kids are forced to transition because of their parents.

The recent decision in Texas to investiagte and remove transgender children from their families on the basis of “child abuse” echoes this sentiment, for example.

In the very first episode, André tells him "It's not too late! Become a woman, Oscar!" as he runs away. And even though he hated the prospect of becoming the Captain of the Guards, he chooses that over becoming a woman. 

The narrator even says "And so Oscar chose to become a man."

He's running away from his assigned role at birth by doing something he hates. He could have chosen to stay and "become" a woman, like Andrè and his grandma say, but he doesn't want to.

As his first assignment as captain, he’s ordered to dress as Marie Antoniette to take her place during a planned kidnapping, and he reacts by throwing away the dress and walking away angrily. His father actually sees his manhood as a costume he can take off whenever it’s necessary, Oscar sees it as his identity.

And even after Oscar's father decides to marry him off, he still doesn't want to play the role of a woman. But nothing seems to convince people that he's acting of his own accord.

Alternatively, many characters treat him like a silly girl who’s just playing pretend. It’s true that Oscar is young, but his identity in manhood is just as strong as those of the men around him.



Detransition Because of Social Pressure

Oscar doesn't express any wish of wanting to be a woman, except once when he dresses as a woman hoping to make a man fall in love with him, but learns the man is already in love with Marie Antoinette and desists.

Marie Antoinette also feels attracted to him, even though she says she’s disappointed Oscar was born a girl.

Which I think is very relatable for a transmasc person, to feel like we're unlovable as we are. Oscar trying to fit in his "womanly role" (the one time in the entire show) isn't really out of place, it's reminiscent of transmascs and trans men detransitioning because we're not accepted by the people around us.

Andrè, confesses to being in love with him (when he's seen him in nothing but men's clothes his whole life, might I add. He's not attracted to Lady Oscar, he loves Oscar the Captain of the Royal Guards.) but Oscar pushes him away and joins the army instead.



Transgender Identity Seen as Childish

At this point, his father regrets letting Oscar be "too unfeminine" and plans to marry him off.

This, to me, is another aspect of being trans even in a supposedly accepting family. There's an age threshold at which it's not acceptable to be trans anymore, that it's something childish that eventually the teenager will forget and join in their role in society. Then there’s the entitlement that families feel they have over children.

Yet another man, his rival, asks for his hand, but Oscar refuses. Then, as a Commander in the Army, he affirms his leadership on his troop, making yet another man, André’s friend this time, fall in love with him.

Most of these men have seen Oscar appear exclusively as a man. All of them, to my knowledge, are aware that Oscar isn't a cisgender man, but Oscar never presents as a woman, and he still manages to make three men fall in love with him.

Oscar realizes that he's in love with Andrè as well, and switches to fighting against the Monarchy with him, but dies by his side during the Storm of the Bastille.

The Return of Oscar

In a completely non-canonical book that only came out in Italy, Oscar doesn't die and instead becomes the Black Knight (a character that appears in the original manga), fighting against injustice.

It's revealed that he didn't die, instead just lost his memory. Once he regains it, he moves to England and lives a quiet life as Rose.

But that doesn't last, and he goes back to France to become the Black Knight. This is, in my opinion, just another instance of detransition that doesn't last (it's non-canonical as well). After all, Oscar is alone in England, the people that previously supported his masculinity are dead or have disavowed him, like his father.

He also kisses Napoleon. This man can't stop making men fall in love with him.

The story ends with Oscar leaving for America, but all of this is not canonical anyways.

In conclusion, Oscar's identity in manhood is constantly questioned or completely disregarded. Even as he says "My duty as a soldier comes before being a woman" everyone assumes he's simply being edgy.

Oscar is born to be a soldier and dies as a soldier. But being a soldier isn't even something he wanted to be in the first place. He just took on the role to avoid becoming a woman, both in the sense of getting married and starting a family, and in the sense of being seen as a woman.

Really, Oscar uses "soldier" as a short-hand for "man."

[haechanokeh]

I’m right for you [pt. 3]

[teaser] [ Chapter 1 ] [ Chapter 2 ]

(you can play Die For You by The Weeknd while reading this 😌)

pairing: popular college! mark x average! reader

genre: romance, smut, angst, series.

warning: corruption, oral sex (both receiving and giving), cream pie, rough sex, mention of religion, rough sex, self-esteem, psychology, public sex, sub! reader, sex toys. possessive mark two-faced mark

I think I’m right for you, babe. You know what I’m thinking, see it in your eyes. You hate that you want me, hate it when you cry. It ain’t workin’ ‘cause you’re perfect and I know that you’re worth it I can’t walk away. (Die for you by The Weeknd)

today is you case presentation with mark. you were deeply affected of what happened in the cubicle but mark seemed unbothered because he was greeting you as usual. it wasn’t weird, he always greets everyone but what was really weird was your classmates. they were looking at you and it made you felt conscious, they were not saying anything but sometimes you catch them glancing at you but you brushed it off and focus on your brainstorming with mark.

yes you do dislike mark but you thank god that he's your partner. he never missed a question from your professor during case study on the other hand you're just standing beside him dumbly. you only understand the question AND the answer once mark responded. well, mark a very kind person he was, despite of answering it alone he made sure that you're included in the case saying base in y/n and my research, even lied that some are from my own research but of course not. plus, for some odd reason, your classmates' eyes were literally made you uncomfortable to the point you were having a hard time to breathe or your social anxiety attacking you. however, at the very moment, you want to give mark a tight hug for making your life easy.

the whole presentation ended. you were putting your things back to your back while standing while mark scrolling in his phone because his dad texted him asking if he could buy him some new pen. you gasped when an arm was on your shoulder, and that caught mark's attention but he hid his annoyance. 

"hey, y/n, i heard you like someone ha?" his brows were playfully raising. it was lucas, he gave mark a meaningful glance but mark smiled confusingly.

"what?" you didn't have any idea what he's telling you. 

"i heard someone saw-"

"mark!" mina suddenly appeared calling mark's name a little too loud which made lucas stop from talking. "we're going to a milk tea house, do you want to come with us?"

“y/n, come with us.” lucas pulled you closer to his body. mark was taring at lucas arm around your shoulder. you weren’t aware of mark’s expression because your mind was thinking ways to breakthrough from lucas. 

“no!” mina exclaimed. he caught everyone’s attention, and she became flustered. “i mean, we will only make her feel uncomfortable and lucas please remove your arms to y/n, she doesn’t look comfortable.” she mumbled. lucas did remove his arms from you. 

“milk tea? can we also come with you?” then the people started to surround mark. it became noisy, knowing you who’s allergic to people and noise sneaked out from the circle and left the room.

mark turned his head to look at you but you’re nowhere to be found. he sighed and forced himself to interact with his classmates.

your mother texted you that he will be away for one week because of their excursion. she left you an allowance good for one week including your meals for the whole day and transportation. you already had your dinner outside. right now you were just laying down on your favorite long sofa in your living room, watching NCT 2020 funny moments. suddenly, mark's name popped. mark is your class representative, he has access to class contacts and it wasn't that mark called you because you're always late in the class so for almost past 3 years he's the one you always contact just to inform the class that you're just late. 

wait, did i miss an announcement? you quickly left the class maybe something came up.

"hello, was there an announcement?" you directly asked

"none, just checking you. we haven't had a proper conversation awhile ago unless it's case related." 

you heart melted, he's very kind and sweet... that scares you.

"ah okay." you simply answered. it wasn't because you want to talk to him, well you really don't want to talk to him but it wasn't that he's annoying or anything- it was just you hate phone calls. you hate talking with someone in general unless it's your mom. 

"well, have you eaten yet?" he tried to save the conversation, he wanted to hear your voice longer.

"yes." it was a one-word reply. 

mark was slightly shattered because you don't seem to want to talk to him. he just thought that maybe you were tired.

"okay, goodnight."

"yeah." then you hang up. 

you returned watching youtube until you drifted into your dreamland... no it wasn't your dreamland.

you gasped and sat up as you woke from another perverted dream with mark. your chest was rising aggressively and you look down as you felt the wetness between your thighs. you raked your hands over your hair as you felt frustration and guilt. this was your second time that you dreamt of mark doing erotic things. you looked at the digital clock it was already 2 am. you groaned and stood up, you want to wash your body because the stickiness just made you feel more guilty if it stays there longer.

you entered your room and stripped, walking directly into your bathroom. you opened a warm shower and as the water trickled on your body, hands unconsciously trailing to the south. your dream was so hot, you can't lie about that. it was in the same cubicle but instead of his digits, it was his dick inside you. 

your eyes closed as you rubbed your bead slow while recalling your dream. you squeezed your left breast and imagining it was mark's squeezing it. you want something to fill your womanhood so you inserted your two fingers and thrust it. your lungs felt like being suppressed by pressure, your thrust became furious. 

"oh my- mark fuck." you moaned his name and you have never been so ashamed. it was so wrong but the feeling was so good that you weren't able to stop yourself from moaning. you felt the tension in your thighs. you knelt down and the hand that squeezing your breast was now on your clit rubbing it furiously. 

"mark! fuck right there." you felt the tension in your abdomen and your legs started to shake. your body just gave in, bending down, cheek shoved against the wet tiles while the warm water splashed on your body.

you screamed erotically, eyes rolling and lashes flickering. your legs were shaking as you reached your high.

 mark hasn't slept yet, it's okay for him because there are no classes. he was staring at the ceiling and mind preoccupied by you.

he was trying to understand why do you keep pushing him away even though you clearly wanted him too. mark did remember where you say he's very different from you, and so? what's wrong with it? what he didn't like is the thought of changing just for a single person but...

"shall i?" he chuckled bitterly. he was really close to his insanity. he feared that this affection will grow into something that is uncontrollable- like an obsession.  

he checked the time through his phone. it's 5 in the morning. he decided to jog outside, so, he took a quick shower and wore his tracksuit and running shoes. maybe if tiredness hits him, he will feel sleepy. mark already went to your house and he didn't tell you that his house is just a few blocks away from you, instead of going to his normal route, he changed it, jogging in your house direction.

when he was closed to your street, he was surprised to see you outside. he stood and admire your naturalness from afar. your hair was disheveled, your eyes weren't completely closed yet, and your face was a little puffy but it doesn't take away your beauty. plus, your cute teddy bear pajamas made him smile. he sends his gratitude to god because he created a masterpiece. 

yeah, mark is deeply in love and he thinks there's no way out of this feeling. 

you were actually waiting for your breakfast, your pancakes from mcdonalds and a warm chocolate drink. when the delivery arrived, you paid and gave him a tip for being quick. you were about to go back inside when you heard a VERY familiar voice which was owned by the person who sleep deprived you 

"Y/N!" his voice was loud, it even cracked. 

"what are you doing here?" you asked.

"morning jog, and good morning to you." he replied and greeted at the same time.

"jog.." you paused and gasped. "from your condo to here?!" you exclaimed in disbelief. mark laughed at your reaction. of course it'll shock you because you already been in his condo and if he jogged it from there to here, he was supposed to be passing out right now.

"no, my family house is actually a few blocks away from here."  he said.

WHAT?! this is not good. you thought. the more he gets closer the more he has access to your mind and body. you masked your displeased face and just nodded.

"okay, ahm. i'm heading back now. bye." you pointed at your house door and awkwardly turned your back walking towards your door.

you expected him to do something because he always do that but to your disappointment he didn't. you looked back to check if he was stil there but he was no longer standing there but you saw him jogging away from your direction. you sighed in disappoinment that made you mentally slap yourself for feeling very contradicting .

you ate miserably your affordable and favorite pancake.

mark took a bathe and go down to eat breakfast together with his parents. they prayed before eating. the cooked food by his mom made him question why your ordered delivery food for breakfast.

"how's school?" mark's dad asked him.

"good, still the same." he replied.

"your father will lead a service, you can invite your classmates. oh mina, you can invite her, she's very sweet girl." his mom said but she doesn't have any motive. she knew mark have not interest in romantic relationship as of the moment, her child was so focus in maintaining his grades and scholarship. at least, that's what he though.. if she only knew.

"i'll try." he forced a smile but behind it was growing tiredness. he knew that his classmates doesn't really want to praise but because they were so fond of mark and they just love to hang out. it defeated the purpose of going to church.

after the breakfast, mark's parent left for their work. he washed the dishes and went up stairs and stayed in his room with his music and guitar. it helped to detach his mind from thinking of you, but it was just temporary as he saw you name appeared in his phone. he almost threw his guitar just to answer your call very quick.

"y/n? why?" he sound so excited.

"ahm, mark... well.. perhaps, do you ahm, have notes from yesterdays discussion? i mean in all cases, not just ours?" you were very stuttering because of shyness. your class have long test about the cases but you're notes are everywhere and you can't understand your writings.

"yes." he said. he knew where this is going. he quickly get out from his bed and go straight to his closet, choosing shirt to wear. "do you need it? i can bring it to you."

"no, no. ahm, you do digital notes right? mind if you could send it through gdrive?" you really don't want to bother him... nah lies. you're just preventing things from happening.

mark paused for a moment and was a little hurt, he understood your statement as if you don't want to see him. but mark will not having any of that.

"it was handwritten though." he faked sorry. he hoped you didn't notice what he did there, hoping that you received it as if it was literally handwritten like directly to paper since he sounded apologetic.

"oh... i see. well, ahm, can you drop by in the house?"

mark still not satisfied by just dropping by.

"how about we study together? we can review together."

you translated it like 'the smartest in your class can help you'and that's very tempting. you can't easily study 8 cases and you need him. you used his diuretics notes in lecture, you almost aced it. now, your lab needs him.

"then, pizza is okay for you?" you whisoered from the other end.

mark secretly fist pump and grinned in triumph.

"yes."

you spayed air freshener in your living room and changed your shirt to another shirt? you only have tees just in different colors, you changed your short into black sweatpants. you made sure that your hair was far different from the hair he saw this morning. you already ordered the pizza.

the doorbell rang. your quickly opened the door for him. mark was standing, carrying his ipad and his other hand holding a two milk teas in a cup holder. he's wearing dark blue t-shirt and gray sweatpants. you smiled awkwardly and let him in. you scanned his body, looking for paper or at least a piece of paper but you didn't see any of it. mark was looking down at you, watching you observing him.

"where's your notes?" you curiously asked.

"here." he lifted his ipad. your jaw dropped.

"i thought you did not do digital notes?"

"i don't recalling telling you i didn't, i just said it was handwritten and when i saif that handwritten in my ipad." he reasoned. taht made you think later realizing that he was right and that made you dumb.

you sighed in defeat.

"by the way, bought you milk tea since you missed it yesterday." he said, you acually don't care if you missed it or not.

you walked towards the single couch and patted it.

"you can seat here." you said.

he quickly sat down and put the milk teas on top of your living room's table. he confusingly watched you when you sat on the long couch and it was the end of it. you were too far from him.

you noticed his sulking face.

"mr. mark lee, what's with your long face?" you chuckled teasingly.

"why are you too far from me?" he pouted.

"damage control." you replied shortly and get your case 3 notes which is very illegible to read. "can i borrow your case 3?"

"why? what did i do?" mark asked was clueless. he did not pay attention to your question

"mark, being alone with you is not healthy anymore." you directly answered him.

"orgasm is healthy, what do you mean?" mark didn't get your.

"mark, that's not what i mean. we're like horny teenagers doing unappropriate things."

"we're already passed in that phase in life, we're both adults." he rebutted.

you mentally face palmed yourself in frustration. why is he so smart and dumb at the same time.

"mark, that's not why i mean. we're being to touchy, every time we are left alone the next thing we knew we're touching each other. do you know how scary was that to me? it only happened twice but i am already longing for more! when i don't feel your touches i go craaazy! i even touched myself for freaking 2-" you froze when you realize what you were telling him you stared blankly at him.

on the other hand, mark was very pleased hearing you exploded from frustration as you became honest for the first time.

"you touched yourself? what 2?" he smirked and lifted his brows.

you cleared your throat.

"can i borrow your ipad? i need your case 3." you murmured and look anywhere but him your face heat up. you want to be swallowed by your favorite sofa.

"then get it."

you look at his ipad sitting on his manly wide spread apart thighs. your eyes stared at the mark that makes your knees weak and wet pussy. his fiery eyes looking directly toyou while he was sitting comfortably on the couch and arms are both in each side of the armrest.

"mark lee, i need it." you tried to use your stern voice but failed because your voice was too small.

"i told you, you can get it.. here." he glanced at his ipad.

you gulped and the living room's air became thick. your submissive self switched on and you just found yourself walking towards him. your hands felt cold as you reached for his ipad. when you lifted it, his bulge forming in his gray sweatpants made you almost drool. you were reminded how fucking hot it was.

you want to touch it and do anything you can possibly could but your single rational braincells keeping you in the light.

"you don't seem sure of what you really wanted to do." he snapped you from overthinking. "should i make you choices?"

"what?" you asked confusingly but your voice was shaking.

"you bring that ipad with you and go back to where you were sitting, or..." he looked up to you with his dark eyes, leaning a little forward you trace the side of your hips with his palm..

"put the ipad on the table and sit in my lap."

mark knew that you can never say no at this state. if you could only see how your body shivered and how defeated your face was, he knew you already gave in.

and his was right.

the original draft was deleted because of my stupidity 😭 idk think this is good as the original draft.

hello, some of you asked me if i have a tag list, i will be creating one.

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anyways, i would like to say thank you for supporting this story. i did not expect some of you will like it. i also want to thanks people who leaving message through dms and ask praising this story. also to those nctzens hearting it 🥺🤗

[loliwrites]

So here's something I've been thinking about since your last fic...

Maybe ,once addi gives birth, Alex stops calling her "kid" because now in his eyes she's just a beautiful goddess of a mother 💪 and it just doesn't feel right for him to keep calling her that. And maybe addi notices it and asks him about it and he's all cute and alex-like!!!!

(Not to say that women are strong and worthy only when they become mothers. It's not motherhood that makes a strong, powerful woman 💖)

I'm so late to the game with this one that there's a couple fics you could be referencing, but immediately this idea makes me think of this one and this idea that she was obviously a women pre-children. A child isn't the determining factor to womanhood. And he obviously realized she wasn't actually a kid before... but there's this pull in his mind of like... this woman brought life into the world and maybe he thinks calling her "kid" is almost belittling or demeaning the act of life-giving she just committed. And he probably tries to alter his behavior without having a conversation about it, right?

Like he's in the kitchen one morning, staring at the pour-over, trying to stare alertness into himself. Their little nugget is a modern day Gandhi... only he's not giving up food, he's on a sleep strike. Even with the alternating of who's going to check on him, it's impossible to fall into a deep sleep when the person next to you is jostling the mattress. He knows Addi's getting the worse end of it. She's not been able to pump yet so anytime the kiddo needs a feeding, it's all mama.

So Alex is staring at the slow and steady drip, drip, drip of the coffee, and he can hear Addi cooing to their nugget from the bedroom. Pretty soon, that cooing grows louder and with a look over his shoulder, he sees her walking toward him with the tiny babe in her arms.

"I've got coffee going, k--" he chokes on the rest of that and brings himself to silence. Within a beat, he adjusts, "Addi."

Her eyes flick up like a deer in headlights; worry written all over her face. She's not quite sure what's going on and when he looks back at her, presumably for a response, she lifts the kiddo up and props him against her shoulder. "Are you angry with me?"

Alex's face scrunches to confusion, "what? No,"

"Why'd you use my name?"

"What?" He scrubs his hand over his face.

"You called me Addi,"

He turns back toward the pour-over, wishing it'd go a little faster so he could fill his mouth with coffee to keep himself from talking. "That's your name,"

She takes a couple steps closer, "but you never call me that unless you're upset."

"I'm not upset, ki-- I'm not upset."

And that... our girl is a smart cookie and she picks up on the assumed issue. She looks down at their nugget, "no more kid?"

Alex glances back over his shoulder, and shit, if she didn't look absolutely gorgeous standing there in the morning sunlight. "You're not a kid,"

"I wasn't one when you were calling me it either,"

Touche. He knows it. But how can he explain it to her? Relative to him, she was a kid. And now, relative to her, there is a kid. A baby. Thankfully he doesn't have to explain in this moment as he hears... or rather hears the lack of drips into the pour-over. He swiftly pours himself a cup and slides her cup closer to fill it up.

"I'm gonna have to feed him soon, so..."

Alex pauses, then places her cup back in the cabinet. When he turns back to her, his own coffee in hand, he can tell she looks a little hurt by the happenings of the past few minutes. He wants to say something but he's not too sure his brain can formulate the sentence in the correct way that's going to get to the core of why he's thinking and feeling this way.

"I like kid. It's a big part of our relationship. Back when we were only each other's in a professional sense... when we were only friends and still the only people we could rely on... when we were hiding our lives from the world so we could be together. I like kid because it feels like home. It feels like you. It feels like it's just us and we're doing this thing and figuring it out as we go. Because, Al, that feeling's going to be the thing that keeps us together when we're falling apart." She looks up at him, realizing she hasn't been, and lifts her eyebrows to urge a round of tears away. To be honest, she wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find their relationship changed. "But if you can't, then... that's fine, too."

If it were possible to physically see someone's heart breaking, Alex would've believed it was happening in front of his very eyes. Before she can turn away, he sets down his coffee up and reaches out for her, "hey." Waiting for her to return his eye contact, he grins softly, "I really love you."

She presses a smile, "I know. I love you, too."

As she leaves the kitchen, heading back for the bedroom and cheerfully cooing to the now fussy nugget, Alex takes a deep breath. "Hey," then with slight hesitation, "kid."

She flicks her head around with anticipatory vigor.

A fleeting smile passes over his face. "Give me a little time? I don't want to lose that feeling either,"

She nods, hopeful and simultaneously trying not to see too excited, "take all the time you need. I'll be around,"

[mwolf0epsilon]

The only thing Joey loves more than playing god and Henry Stein, is fucking with people's heads.

Summary: In which two older men relentlessly tease a younger coworker to the point it becomes detrimental to the object of their "affections". AKA Norman doesn't know how to feel about his attraction to Sammy, and Joey likes to fuck with people. Tom doesn't help in the slightest.

---

[[MORE]]

Sammy was exhausted. Both physically and mentally, as he'd had another frustratingly long day "correcting" scores he'd been working on for weeks and enduring the band's incessant incompetence.

Oh, and there were also Norman and Joey who, for some mysterious reason, had decided to begin tormenting the hell out of him.

Overall a regular day at the studio, but one that ended up grinding his gears in the most painful way possible.

"Abigail, I'm home..." He called out to his younger sister, now well on the way to womanhood at the ripe age of 15, and ready to "face the world" or so she'd said (nevermind that she still got anxious when he was late).

"Dinner will be ready soon! Take your shoes off mister!" She called out from their tiny kitchen. In her desire to prove herself quite grown up she'd taken to cooking for him whenever he came in late from work, as opposed to keeping him on his feet like when she was still unable to reach the stove properly.

He had to admit, at least what she made was palatable. For all that he was good with an instrument and a tune, Sammy lacked tallent in the cooking department. Still he'd miss those nights where he'd make "drowned pasta burnt Bolognese" for the both of them to enjoy. But not as much as he missed his mother's cakes.

"What are we having?" He put his coat on the hanger and kicked off his shoes. The floor looked a bit slick from Abby moping it no doubt. She still hadn't gotten the hang of getting the excess water off of the mop.

"I thought we could mix things up and have breakfast foods for dinner. Like when I was six." She explained, seeming rather chipper. "Those were fun nights."

"That they were..." He joined her in the kitchen, enjoying the smell of cooking bacon and eggs, as well as warm toast and fresh orange juice. He'd kill for some whiskey though.

"They also cheered me up everytime, so I thought it could work for you too, Sambo." And there it was. Astute observation on her part, Abby always knew when he was down in the dumps for real. Getting harassed at work was definitely one way to get him a little under the weather.

"Don't call me that."

"Oh why not? I think you'd like a good samba. I've seen you dance Sammy, you could light up a room with just how happy you get shaking about." She smiled genuinely at him, but there was a hint of concern in her eyes. He smiled back as she placed a plate in front of him, and smiled wider when she gave him a bottle of licor rather than the juice she was having for herself. "Just a little treat, so you feel better."

"You're a little angel, you know that?" He ruffled her hair and chuckled bitterly. Yeah, an angel. Unlike those good for nothing-- Patience Sammy. No need to get upset while eating a meal with his sister.

"Everyone needs one guarding their back." Abigail stated before tucking in, looking up at him with a mouthful of eggs and bacon. "So. Spill. What's got my grumpy brother in a perpetual A?"

"Abby, don't talk with your mouth full." He chastised, ignoring her usage of musical keys to coax the issue out of him. "It's really nothing to worry about. Just work being bothersome."

"It's not nothing. You usually grumble when it's just work. This is clearly something else if it's making you quiet." Abby insisted after swallowing her food. "Samuel Lawrence Jr is not a quiet man."

That he wasn't, and that was the give away here. She knew how to read him like a book and it was honestly pointless trying to skirt around it. Abigail was a Lawrence after all. And a Lawrence was as stubborn as a mule out in the field.

So... He relented and told his sister.

"It's stupid. It's so freaking stupid!" He covered his face with his hands, frustrated and embarrassed. "Joey and Norman have been acting like petulant children! Mocking me openly, leaving little notes teasing me, heck even talking behind my back about how much they dislike me! What's worse is it's spreading! Even Thomas Connor has taken to mouthing off to his GENT subordinates, and people laugh whenever they see me! It's... It's disheartening! And very distracting!"

He sighed.

"It's stupid..."

"No it's not!" Abby startled him, the look of anger on her face giving him pause. "You're getting bullied! It's not stupid to feel bad about it."

"It is if you're a grown man. Grown men don't feel sad when their coworkers talk behind their back. That's..." Wimpy? Queer stuff? Worthy of a beating? His father would sneer at the thought of his only son being a wuss about this sort of stuff.

"Sammy, you're allowed to be sad if people are assholes to you."

"Abigail Marie Lawrence!"

"Don't pull that card with me. You know I'm right! They have no right to make you feel so rotten!"

She was right. They really didn't have the right to do this... But there was nothing he could really do.

Well, actually there was, he just couldn't do it to Drew of all people. But Norman and Thomas were another story.

-

"You know you deserve this don't you?" Lacie Benton sighed as she dabbed Norman's swollen eye with a wet cloth. Besides her, Jack was helping sling his arm until he could have a doctor check it out for him. He'd landed pretty bad on it and, although he doubted he'd broken it, he couldn't quite move it from the pain.

"I know..."

"If you'd just told him instead of going off being so childish... Oh Norman what were you thinkin'?! Invitin' that devil t' start sayin' those things?! You should know better!" Lacie ranted on, frowning at the roughed up older gentleman she was currently caring for.

"I... I panicked. I still don't know how to address my issue with Sammy." He tried to explain. "I didn't think it'd escalate into him going crazy and comin' ta rip my throat out for it!"

"This is Sammy Lawrence we're talking about Norman. He was raised by a racist Catholic man that taught him gays and blacks are evil." Jack pointed out. "Resorting to 4th grade pettiness to show your crush you like them was definitely asking for Sammy to lose it and get revenge."

"An' Drew joinin' in on the "fun" did no good. I swear that man realized you were gettin,' sweet on him an' thought it'd be just swell t' ruin your days." Lacie huffed irritably.

"Thomas didn't help with the betting poll either. Everyone took the week to piss off Sammy, I swear to God..." Jack sighed.

"My fault. I shoulda' been more sensible... Kid hates me for sure now."

"Depends if he remembers. You both fell down the stairs pretty hard." Lacie reminded him. "Which reminds me, you should be expectin' a call soon. Your brother had to take that kid's poor sister to the hospital to check on her ornery brother."

"Oh... I'm dead for sure. If not by my brother's hand, it'll definitely be by my niece and nephew's..." He pauses, considering his options "Or worse... They'll set Sammy's sister on me! She can be real scary when she's mad!"

Needless to say, after indeed getting yelled at over the phone by Abigail Lawrence and having to apologize to Sammy while he dealt with a broken leg, Norman didn't tease the music director all that much after that incident. And whatever bets Thomas made became less public for fear of losing another molar. Sammy Lawrence had one hell of a right hook!

Joey still went out of his way to be a jackass though. He much liked teasing his favourite employees, and nothing would change that.

[spelllingandthemysteryschool]

hey could i ask you how you identify as she/they pronouns? im genuinely curious and im unsure about my own pronouns and sexuality, thank you 🥺

hi! sorry for getting around to answering so late & thank u for coming to me abt something like this :-) questioning your identity is usually confusing & often deeply personal, so i'm not sure how much i can help, but i can try! 💓

a while back, i realized i was really drawn to the concept of they/them pronouns. like i'd dismissed it as I Just Think They're Neat but after a point i was like. mayb i should try to figure out why i'm so interested & started considering my relationship with womanhood and gender, which was something i had ever really questioned. the more i thought things over, the more i realized that i actually felt really comfortable with the idea of Not Being a Woman or being gender-nonconforming.

it was definitely weird 2 come to terms with at first but like. i realized further that although i do feel i am a woman and i do feel a strong connection to womanhood, there's also some part of me that doesn't identify with it and feels WAY more comfortable existing gender-neutrally / outside of that gender binary. i tentatively started using she/they pronouns just to see how they felt & right off the bat it was such a relief! like it felt so nice to be able to go by both & to both express my womanhood and give myself leeway to exist as Not a Woman. that the two facts could coexist was really a relief. going by she/they is really comfortable for me now & i've been embracing my gender-nonconformity more & it just feels right, u know?

anyway, SO sorry for the rambling! all i can honestly say is, try thinking critically about the way you feel about your gender / sexuality / whatever. see if u feel comfortable, if it feels right to call yourself certain things. i also can't stress how important it is to try things out. try seeing if certain terms feel right, if certain pronouns fit you, if you feel the term nonbinary applies to you in some way (and it might, bc there's so many ways to be nonbinary). and don't worry about it too much! it isn't bad to be unsure! in time i'm sure you'll figure things out 💓 best of luck darling

[lastarabesque]

Best Friend Surprise (1/4)

Morning. Excruciating morning.

Nothing could ever compare to the pain that you are feeling right now. It pierces through your entire womanhood and lacerates the muscles in your body. Like a sharp edged knife, it tears every single tissue inside you.

You are all prepped for school but you are still rolling around your bed in your uniform. If only the pain would stop in an instant. You pick up your phone, left with no choice, as you dial a number.

"Seungcheol."

"What? I'm eating." He nearly ended the call when your voice echoed in his ear.

"Ya!" You raise your voice at him. At the very least, he should listen to what you are about to say.

"What's your problem?" He returned your exasperation before finally recalling the reasons why you get real irritated. Either you fought with your boyfriend or no way— "Red day?"

"How do you know me so well? I love you." Now when you're sweet talking like this, he knows you need something.

"You should atleast say that with sincerity." His voice is low when he responded.

"What?"

"I said why don't you ask your lovely boyfriend to buy those pads? It's embarrassing for me."

"If you're embarrassed then what more will he be? And, I'm not asking for pads. I only need a pain reliever so buy one along your way."

"Whatever. Hang up, I'm eating."

"Would you eat faster? I don't want to run late aga—" He ended the call because if not, you'll begin with your nonstop talking again. "That punk."

Seungcheol finished his food at once to get to you quick despite being grumpy about it. He may not show it but he cares for you a lot in his own ways not just as a bestfriend, but mostly like an older brother. He looks after you all the time and you're more than grateful.

"Good morning." The pharmacist greets him. He smiled back.

"Do you have any medicine for stomachache? Wait, technically not the stomach but the part where it hurts when ladies get their, um, well, period." Seungcheol looks like he's having a fight with himself. The pharmacist understood him anyway, she chuckled shortly before nodding.

"Dysmenorrhea, you mean. Here." The day just started, he hasn't even settled a foot at school but he already had his allowance deducted because of you. He doesn't really care much about it though. "For your mom or for your sister?"

"Not for them."

"So for your girlfriend? I knew it." She carefully handed him the small plastic bag.

"Yeah, girl friend."

"I suggest you also buy this.", pertaining to the chocolate bar displayed at the counter. "Chocolates release happy hormones. It can help remove her grumpiness."

"Give me two then. I think I need it more." He just knows that this is gonna be a stressful day for him.

He marched to your house, which is not really that far from his, just about two blocks away from the pharmacy right across their street. He didn't know that he'll need the chocolate as soon as he arrives at your residence because your boyfriend is waiting right in front of your gate.

"Dude." He nods at Seungcheol.

"Hey." Seungcheol awkwardly greeted back. He's not really close with your guy and they're uncomfortable together but he tries to put up with him for you. "Why don't you get in instead of waiting here?"

"Uh, actually I didn't tell her that I'm coming to pick her up today."

"Why?"

"Element of surprise?" He's definitely putting himself in danger. Surprise is the last thing you want anyone to do for you. You hate everything that is unplanned and Seungcheol knows better than your boyfriend.

"Surprise? Oh," Seungcheol ran out of words. Just thinking of how you would react to this is enough to make him speechless. "I'll get her."

Seungcheol opened your complicatedly designed gate easily as if he lives there, clearly shows how often he's been to your house. As he opened the door, your mom just knew it was him.

"Have you eaten breakfast?" She called out from the kitchen. He went to greet her first.

"Yes, mom. And guess what?" He rested his elbows at the mini bar while watching your mom prepare your lunch. "Her guy is waiting outside."

"Then let him in."

"He won't get in. He said it's a surprise." He has his voice real low as if sharing a very crucial information.

"Oh my god." Your mom remains calm. "He's trying to get himself killed."

"Well." Seungcheol shrugs. "I'll inform her before this gets worse."

"That's best. Go then, I'll pack lunch for you."

Sometimes when he's really clingy to your mom you think like she seems to like him more than you, her own daughter. It's fine though. Anyway, Seungcheol is like a brother already.

***

"Thank you." Seungcheol hugged your mom from behind before getting you.

"Are you serious?" You panic as soon as Seungcheol told you the unwanted information. Good thing you already ate the pill you asked him to buy.

"Why would I even joke about it?" He retorted as he opens a pack of chocolate. "But I bought this to calm you down. Here." He shove a piece in your mouth, you almost choke if the thought of the surprise doesn't dominate your mind.

Super annoying.

Surprises are not really a big deal but you just entirely hate the thought of having to react to it. It burdens you and pressures you a lot. Having things planned and laid accordingly is better than taking anything out of the blue. It's not a good attitude and you are trying to work on it but you can't be ready for it as soon as today. Especially because you have your period.

"I'm not supposed to tell you about it so act surprised, okay?" You glared at him shortly.

"Ugh, I hate this!"

"Aigoo," He clicked his tongue. "This is why you shouldn't date guys you don't know well and guys who don't know you well."

"You're the only guy who knows me too well, Cheol. Don't even suggest." You slung your bag and flew out of the room, almost banging your door. Your mom heard the heavy footsteps as you come to the kitchen to get your food.

"Calm down, honey."

"You didn't have to bother, mom. I can just eat cafeteria food but thanks." You kiss her cheek goodbye as she sends signals to Seungcheol. Seungcheol gave her a thumbs up before following you out of the door.

Just as said, your boyfriend is waiting outside when you walked out. You tried to act surprised despite the fact that you already knew about it and hated it before it happened. Seungcheol wants to laugh on your face for your awkward reaction but he couldn't do so after seeing your boyfriend buying the act. He can only shake his head.

Now, next to all this is Seungcheol's unbearable thirdwheeling. It's somewhat a usual thing now but he still can't get used to being silent whenever your guy is around. There's no other option but to zip his mouth and listen to your sweet talks and nonstop giggling. He gave out a heavy sigh for the nth time as you walk. He actually spent the weekend in his hometown and there are events that happened which he wants to tell you. He has stories about the breathtaking sceneries he saw, the great food he ate, the warm people he met and the unforgettable experiences he had but he can't cut through the conversation to even say a word. He just silently trailed behind the two of you as you go on with the lovey dovey moments, breathing a sigh once more.

It hasn't been a month yet since you started dating the guy but Seungcheol still remembers the day you told him about it, freshly, as if it was just yesterday.

"Then do so." He forced himself to say. "Just don't come crying."

"O-okay..." You are surprised of how cool and uninterested he was. "I'll try."

It may be the idea of having your first boyfriend or the thrill and flutter which got you there but whatever it is, Seungcheol just dislikes the thought of you having a boyfriend.

Simply because it was not him.

He saw him intertwined his fingers with yours, it killed him inside. He wants to beat him up for touching you, for even laying a finger on you but he's not in the place to do that. He doesn't have any right too. You glance at him from your shoulder as he press a faint smile. He has to be ready for all of this. Especially because not just a simple skinship may happen next.

He knows that he can do better and he's more fit for the role but he still let you do what you want because he doesn't want to tell you yet. Neither of you is ready for it plus he thought you'll get over that guy after a while and break up but seeing your smile as you walk together scared him. Because what if you eventually fall deeper and never leave the moment?

***

"What?"

"Cheol," You kick his chair right across yours but he didn't look back. There's no teacher around but he's acting so serious over a book with his chin on his knuckles.

"Um,.. I just forgot to thank you yesterday. Thank you." Not that it's a very urgent matter but it has been your habit to always make sure he knows that he is appreciated. Well, partly is because you want to initiate a conversation. He's just acting indifferent these past few days, honestly not just recently but way before. You can't exactly recall but it started around the time you had a boyfriend. He just suddenly became so distant and difficult like he purposely doesn't want let you in.

"Whatever. Next time ask your lovely boyfriend to do that for you." His voice is so soft it's almost inaudible. His seatmate then stood up to leave his seat and the room so you took the chance to sit next to him. Only to find him sleeping.

"Wow, I really thought you're reading this stupid book." You pull his head to rest on your shoulder because he's struggling in his position. "Did you stay up late for computer games again? Why are you this sleepy?"

You stare at him from your shoulder, scanning his features for good seconds and realizing again that damn, your bestfriend got really beautiful eyes. You always envied him for it. Those pair of orbs that you always look into whenever you converse with him. You can willingly get lost in it and he doesn't even know.

"I'm having a girlfriend soon." He suddenly cut your thoughts with his announcement. His voice is weak and his eyes remains shut.

"You're what?" Oh, how you hate surprises.

"I said I think I'm having a girlfriend soon."

+++++