#it's my comfort ship and I do whatever the fuck I want art wise so heck yeah more bombeep soon hopefully ha

[storfulsten]

hey uh sorry for disappearing yet again for a couple months. don't have much of an excuse, though things have been more stressful than usual, offline life having involved family and hospitals and stuff, but not gonna go into any details, things are better now either way so ye. my way of coping with things have been mostly to just play games (ffxiv mainly, leveling alts and other grinding can be a good distraction sometimes) and nothing else to keep my mind off things, so haven't been able to focus enough to do much of any art at all. I am hoping to get back into the swing of things, I am back on my meds that I skipped out on for like a year due to various reasons, but they seem to be helping again so yeah, fingers crossed that things will work out and such ha

[aneldritchfootnote]

Housekeeping announcements!

Alright, time for some Hazbin and general housekeeping announcements so we’re all on the same page 🖤 I realised I hadn’t done one of these yet to convey where I stand and now is as good a time as any, so let’s go!

This page is a safe-space. You can ship and enjoy whatever in peace. Fandom spaces should, in their essence, be fun and collaborative. If there are things you do not enjoy; scroll on, block, unfollow, and let people just have their thing.

Ships I like + explanations where needed:

Speaking of ‘their thing’, these are mine concerning Hazbin (which is my main focus atm both in posting and in writing): Angel, Husk, Vox, Valentino, and Sir Pentious are my boisTM and will be featured in most of what I post here and write about.

Ship wise I love Huskerdust, Staticmoth, ValAngel* (see below for an explanation on this one, before people gut me), and one-sided Radiostatic (i.e. RadioSilence)

about ValAngel: Please know that I don't ship them in the sense that I think they’re good for each other or should be together. What they have is not healthy or something to be desired, it's abusive.

However, I love to dive into all of Angel's complexities. Valentino is a huge part of that. I am a strong believer that Angel used to be, and probably still is to some extent, in love with Val. The relationship between them is as multi-faceted and complex as they are.

Any other ships I feel ambivalent about, don't know of, or don’t enjoy at all, though I might still like or even share art if I just really like the way the artist did the piece.

Ship hate & justifications:

You don’t ever have to explain to me why you like a certain ship or character and, even more so, you won’t have to justify it with your own traumatic history.

And I get it, I was a traumatized kid once too, feeling like I had to gatekeep certain experiences and force people to justify to me why they were allowed to do or like certain things.

It gives you a sense of control and it’s hard to make peace with that inner turmoil but understand that, by forcing people to talk about their histories, you are just re-traumatizing them and for what? For a fictional character that hasn’t harmed any real-life people?

Forcing people to out themselves, in whatever form, is never okay, especially not if it’s because you feel you’re owed something. On top of that, trauma is not an entry ticket that people need to be allowed to find comfort or enjoyment in certain things.

You don’t know someone’s inner world and, in the end, we’re all still strangers on the internet. Just treat each other with compassion and if someone or something isn’t your cup of tea, don’t engage. Just live and let live.

A message to the minors:

Now, to the minors that have snuck in here, by lying about their age or not: I get it. We’ve all been young, engaging in spaces that might not be entirely made for us, out of curiosity or just because we liked something that was, technically, made for an older audience.

I won’t block you. I don't even know how many of you are here. I’m just asking you to be careful. This isn’t about me. It’s about you and your own safety.

Engaging with certain material can be damaging and fandoms like these, with mostly adult fans, can be difficult places to navigate. So, do what you want, bc there’s really no stopping you, but do so sensibly.

Try not to directly engage with other fans that are outside of your own age bracket and whom you don't know irl. If you do, do so publicly and while maintaining a sensible distance.

Any adult that tries to gain access to you privately is fucking weird and you are smart enough to know that that is iffy and very likely predatory in nature.

And for the love of Satan, if you cosplay, be so, so careful about what you do with those photos. You might be sensible but trust that a lot of people out there are not and by posting stuff like that you’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

I’m sorry if I’m sounding like I’m trying to parent you here. I know you guys just want to exist in the fandom and have fun. I just urge you to be safe. There is a reason so many creators are asking minors to stay away and it’s not for their own comfort but your safety.

I think that’s everything for now. It turned into quite the epos but I’d rather be super clear about everything so everyone can see if this page is for them or not and act accordingly.

To those who will stick around, super glad to have you here! 🖤

[sonybees]

mutuals appreciation post!

i seriously CANNOT at all process this

literally i do not know how this even happened but i am so inexplicably grateful for every single one of you! i love all of you so so much!

i was maybe thinking about making a sleepover but school has been kicking my ass lately so i just decided on making a little mutuals appreciation post! to all my other mutuals, i love all of you so much and i literally want to smother all of you with hugs and kisses. i am so grateful for all of you. thank you.

this might be a little long so it’s under the cut! there might be a lot of mistakes snsjd

@lunaleonorah leo!!! you are an absolute blessing. i love your kindness and the amount of affection you give me literally makes me wanna break down and scream. in a good way of course sjjs. i love our conversations where we just talk about our days and all that. i wish we could always be friends and you can tell me anything you’d like. i love our friendship because we can talk to each other whenever we’d like and will always bring comfort to each other. i always look forward to having conversations with you everyday. ilysm and you deserve the world <3 all the love, pluto.

@gredmforge rory, my wife! i love talking to you about nonsense, it always makes my day and your fun and carefree personality always makes me smile. no doubt that we will be great friends in real life. the little asks you send in my inbox always make me laugh and i’m very excited for whatever future works you have. you always seemed so nice and sweet ever since i first interacted with you and i am so happy that i asked you where you got your memes because look what that got us to! shsjdjd. no but seriously, i love talking to you about our obsessions and just saying hello to each other. ilysm and i hope you always remember that! :) <3

@crookedhag my lovely eliz, i’m too lazy to make another one of those fancy scrolls that i did earlier but that doesn’t stop me from showin gmy appreciation for you. you are such a sweet and amazing person. you are also so talented and i am always so happy to see your name pop up on my notifications. you were always the first one to send me an ask for ask games and you always check in on me and i love you for that. i wish the very best in everything you do. you have great taste in music and i’m starting to think that you’re in every single fandom i don’t know jsjsj. but i love talking to you and ily! mwah! ◡̈

@oldschoolkiddo hero! the first time you ever interacted with me, i already knew that i would love having you around. you are such a fun person and all the tag games that you make and tag me in are always so fun! you are an independent person and i love that so much. you speak your mind and that is so powerful. you are so very sweet and your personality is so fun. i hope that you have many great days in the future and you can always talk to me whenever you need to. let me know if you want a distraction from anything or if you just want to rant, i will be here. ily!

@krasivayadarling my lovely ant! i am so very glad that i built up the courage to say hi to you when you made that post saying you wanted to be friends with new people. you are one of the best people i’ve ever met and you are so sweet, kind, talented, funny, and supportive. i am also so grateful for your support in my fics. you were my first ever supporter and i was really nervous for someone to read my works but you were so nice about it and i love that. i wish you all the best. ily, ant! sincerely, soap.

@whatthefuckimbisexual the loveliest persephone, you are such a bad bitch. JSJS NO BUT SRSLY ILYSM. you are such a fun person and i love how we can relate to each other a lot. i mean, staying up til 3 am and fuck aral pan yk? ejekdj. i really wish you the best in everything and i hope that we can interact more! you are truly one of the most fun and energetic people i’ve ever met and you are so very sweet and funny. thank you for being a great person! all the love <3

@falconxbarnes maddie! you add such a sweet and great person and when you reblog and like my posts, my heart fills with joy! your blog brings me so much comfort and i love our short little conversations. you remind me of going out at 5 am when the sun is almost out. the joy is always evident when that happens just like how i feel when i talk to you! i wish to eat pancit canton with you one day! i really wish you the best in everything and you deserve so many good things. mwah!

@amourtentiaa liane! you are literally so talented and it amazes me every time i read your works. you are so fun and chill and seeing your name always makes me happy! your blog page is filled with so much comfort in my opinion and our first conversation ever was so fun and you are so polite. you also really remind me of the night. i can’t explain why but like i said, you are chill and brings me a lot of comfort! i really love the way you interact with others as you are so kind. i hope you are doing well and always will feel well. ily, yannie!

@puntuations oh my gosh, ysa! you followed me first and i didn’t exactly understand why because you seemed too cool and mature for me djdj. but i am so glad you did and i am so grateful that you’re my friend. thank you for tagging me in dps related things! i really love that and it brings me so much joy. you were always so kind to me no matter what and you are so respectful. i appreciate you and your blog always makes me smile. thank you for being an amazing friend. ilysm, ysa. mwah!

@tofeeltaller joy! you bring me so much joy! sjdndjdn sorry, i had to. you are so so sweet and kind. i was always so scared to interact with dps blogs because they seemed intimidating but so nice at the same time (idk why i’m sorrydhjd), i thought y’all were too cool for me and i didn’t know how to approach you guys but after i got the courage to talk to you, i felt a lot more comfortable. you are so sweet and kind and you deserve so much more blessings. you truly are an amazing person and i hope that your days will get better and better. giving you so many warm hugs and kisses, mwah!

@lolremuslupin dkndkx omg you are so sweet! i don’t interact with you much but we do talk sometimes. i am also very glad that i decided to pm you to try and make new friends and you were so kind about it. you are such an amazing person and i love staying up at 3 am talking to you about random crap. i wish that your life will go well and that you are always safe! warm hugs!

@punkrific soaf, my twin! i really love talking to you and your energy is always so great. you are an amazing and fun person and having a twin like you always makes me feel like the luckiest ever. i am so so grateful to have you as a friend and your dashing personality always gets me. ilysm and i wish you the best! love, the ugly sofia <3

@freddieweasleyswife sweets! i’ve never met someone as sweet and kind as you are. you’re an amazing person and you deserve so much and you are so talented. i wish to write like you one day. my day is always better when I see your name in my notifications being friends with someone as amazing as you are is so great and i wosh to interact with you more. i miss talking to you and you’re always so kind and ready to comfort anyone. ilysm and you deserve the world. sincerely, sweetpea. <3

@sam-winchester-is-my-bitch rae! i love talking to you and seeing your pets! you are so kind, sweet and understanding and you really know how to make me smile. whenever i talk to you, it’s always so wholesome and nice and you give off so much good vibes. you really are like the color yellow to me, sunny, nice, but can be serious at times. but is always ready to cheer someone up. i wish you the best in everything and i hope that we can talk more! all the love <3

@daltonacademia kendi! i know you’re on a short hiatus at the moment but i just had to add you in here. i really hope that you are doing well and i hope you know that your writing is literally one of the best that i’ve ever read. you are so sweet and kind and you always have that little fun and sunny personality and i love talking to you so much. you are so respectful and you deserve so much. i’m sending you all the love and comfort. you are amazing and i hope you know that. stay safe, kendi! i really love that nicknamejsjs

@thatswhywilliamagedlikesourmilk dear! i am so glad that you followed my page and i am so so grateful that i’m friends with you. you are one of the best people ever and you are so so sweet. the most adorable person ever! talking to you feels like hugging a teddy bear and i am aware that that doesn’t make much sense but it just feels so comfy and brings me joy. i really hope that you’re doing well because you also deserve everything! sending you so many hugs <3 mwah!

@fredweasleyismyloverman alex, my dear! you are so kind and nice! i’m really glad i followed you. just a little fun fact, i actually found you through ant or @krasivayadarling . i was reading through some people who she gave ships to and i saw yours and i was like “oh my gosh, this person and i are literally the same.” and i went crazy because it looked almost exactly the same as my description hdjdjd. i’m actually not that sure if it went like that but that’s how i recalled it so i just always remember thatsbns. i literally relate to you so much and your shitposts give me life. you are so wise and amazing and i would love to talk to you more! ily, dear! mwah <3

@daisyyy2516 daze, dear! i am so happy that sab led ke to your page! literally, you are so damn talented and i just cannot i am always so amazed every time you show your works. you are so kind and sweet and such an icon. you bring me so much joy and everything you’ve ever said to me has always been something sweet and funny. ilysm and you deserve the world. i’d like if you dm’ed me once you’ve gotten your work displayed at some huge art exhibition. you are so amazing and i want you to know that. everything will be better. i appreciate you and i am so glad that you are in this world. i love you sm, daze. frd weasley loves you too. all the love and joy, soaf.

@sirlorelai lorie!! you are so nice and kind and sweet. i’m very glad that you weren’t angry at me spam reblogging your postsjsjd. i love our conversations and i wish we could talk more! you are such a kind and funny person and everything you’ve ever done has put a smile to my face. you are so fun and energetic and i love that. i hope that life is going well over there and that everything will be better if it isn’t at the moment. you deserve so much and ilysm, mwah!

@quadrupledeckertaco lorelei, dear! i miss talking to you! i really love our conversations and your soft but fierce personality is so great and it brings me so much joy. your writing is literally so amazing and like i said, i aspire to write like you one day. i miss you so much and i really hope that everything’s well. i wish you the best and sending you so much love, sofia. <3

and to all my other mutuals! thank you! i love all of you so much and interacting with all of you brings me so much joy. thank you for everything. have a great day everyone!

[queendeeshorrorimagines]

hi, can i ask for a slashers/dbd matchup? i go by irene, i’m 19, bi and i use she/they pronouns. i’m about 5”5 with long wavy platinum hair with bangs, dark green eyes, pale skin and an hourglass figure. i’m passionate, stubborn, blunt and hardworking. i don’t hold my opinion hidden and get to the point, so i seem insulting to some and don't really have a filter. my mbti is intj-a. i like excitement and thrill, even if it gets me in trouble. i don’t like being the center of attention and i’m a critical thinker. i’m a good listener and most of my friends come to me for advice and know i’m also loyal and would never lie to a friend. my ideal relationship is someone that matches my energy and understands my boundaries when i have my bad days. my style is a bit between soft girl and academia. as far as nsfw goes i’m a bit hyper sexual and a switch leaning sub that likes knives, choking and masochistic themes. i like to workout, play video games, listen to music, watch horror movies and enjoy nature or do something that is related art like drawing, poetry etc.

For DBD, I ship you with... Jed Olsen!

At first, Jed might get frustrated with how stubborn and opinionated you are. Especially if you're roasting him after stunning him with a pallet. It eventually becomes a game of cat and mouse between the both of you until the two of you become a item. Jed loves how opinionated you are to the point that he couldn't help but laugh his ass off when you were roasting Frank.

It takes Jed a while to get used to having a stable relationship because of his ghostface side. He tries to respect your boundaries the best he could. Jed's fatal flaw is that he tends to get jealous when another killer or survivor gets too close to you to the point where he will make the survivors death slow because of his jealousy.

Not safe for tumblr wise, Danny/Jed is all for using his knife during sex when he finds out you're into that. Bonus if you let him fuck you in his ghostface costume. This guy obviously has a sadistic streak (just look at his Mori and promo video, this man reeks of sadistic top.) He's down to trying whatever kinks you're interested in trying.

Other possibilities: Nea Karlson, Caleb Quinn, David King, Carmina Mora

For Slashers, I ship you with... Tiffany Valentine!

Given that you're a thrill seeker, Tiffany is more than willing to do some of the things that you want to do. If you wanna skydive, count her in. Hell, if you want to try killing, she's down to join you. If you do get in any trouble, Tiffany will do her damndest to bail you out of it- even if it means getting her hands dirty.

Tiffany loves how strong willed and opinionated you are. Tell that creepy man at the bar off. Although you're a good listener, Tiffany also wants to listen to you vent and talk. She tends to be more doting because of the fact that if she loves someone, her love language is acts of service.

Not safe for Tumblr wise, Tiffany is down with using her knife on you once the both of you are settled in a relationship where the both of you are comfortable enough with more dangerous kinks. I can see Tiffany being a switch, having no preference as to if she doms or subs. When she was with Charles, she's never really had the chance to exploring her dominant side. So you're one of her first submissive partners she's had.

Other possibilities: Baby Firefly, Leslie Vernon, Stu Macher, mama firefly

[myevilmouse]

2020 Fic Year In Review

This disaster year was my second of writing fanfic for the Star Wars fandom, focused as always on my handsome Jedi and charismatic Grand Admiral.  Here’s the same thing I did last year:  basically share the idea of the fic I wanted to write and the result of what came out of that idea.

Because I don’t outline or plan, it is often as much a surprise to me as to my readers as to where the story winds up.  But I enjoy the magic that is surrendering to the muse / autonomous typing hands, so I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Context:  2020 began with the fic whining circle’s discussion of the sad dearth of blowjobs for Luke Skywalker in fandom.  We resolved to remedy this with the creation of the Luke Deserves All The Blowjobs Challenge, our 12-month mission to provide our man with 12 blowjobs, detailed lovingly for your (and his) pleasure.  We all agreed to contribute and so my first offering was:

1.    Anomaly

Idea:  In 2019, I participated in the Star Wars Rare Pairs Fic Exchange.  Shanlyrical had requested the pairing of Guri/Luke, which I’d never considered.  I didn’t get assigned that one (I got assigned Thrawn/Original Art Forger), but the idea stayed with me.  The blowjob challenge was the perfect opportunity.

Result:  A one-shot I am quite proud of, written from droid POV attempting to seduce our Jedi (who is quite difficult to seduce damn his perfect ass), full of technical and cyborgian terminology.  Since shanlyrical had put the ship in my brain, it was gifted to her.

2.  Comfortable

Idea:  Write an “old married Skywalkers” smutfic for a Valentine’s Day gift to my Luke/Mara cohorts.

Result:  A rather florid one-shot that is overstuffed with choice adjectives and bursting at the seams with love for my Jedi’s happy ever after.

3.  The Problem With Prophecy

Idea:  Write a Thrawn/Pryce fic for the Thryce Discord’s Valentine’s Day.  The prompts shifted, from “blind date” to “soulmates” or maybe vice versa as a theme.  I had already started it when the prompt changed so made them both work.

Result:  Another “how they got together fic” (of which I seem to write many for Thryce) that was a lot of fun to write, with a little contemplation about free will vs destiny in there.

4.  Proxy

Idea:  The Luke Deserves All The Blowjobs Challenge needed more fic, and no one wrote that Asajj Ventress/Luke pairing I had requested for SW rarepairs 2019… *cracks knuckles*  If you want something done, gotta do it yourself!

Result:  This was an interesting challenge.  Whilst I typically attempt to create scenarios for Luke to bang all the ladies that are SOMEWHAT realistic, I decided the only way to make this happen was to assume whatever plot was required to set this up had already occurred, so it starts *cough* right before the action, so to speak.  I also sort of low-key ship Ventress/Kenobi (what is that called?  Ventrobi?) so operated throughout with the idea that since she couldn’t have Obi-Wan, she was settling for another Jedi as a plaything.  Since I used only pronouns for Ventress in the fic, I suppose the reader could imagine any wicked woman or Nightsister or whomever on the other end of Luke’s cock, but in my brain it’s Asajj and she is a lucky woman (and Luke is a lucky man).  Anyway, it was probably one of my least popular fics this year but I still like it!

5.  Thranto 400 Works Celebration Ficlet (Ch 3:  Everything To Lose)

Idea:  @jessko-fic​  asked me to contribute to this collection to commemorate the Thrawn/Vanto ship hitting 400 works on AO3.  Me:  Slash?!?!

Result:  I don’t write slash in general because I just…don’t really enjoy it, doesn’t float my boat or melt my butter, although so often I wish that weren’t the case.  I have read a lot of Thranto thanks to Jess’s evil influence though, and thought I could tackle this ship.  I wanted to write something exactly 400 words for the 400 works thing, and the result was a little “missing scene” that I hope was true to the spirit of the collection while also slotting into Thrawn and Eli’s storyline.

6.  Creativity

Idea:  For The May The Fourth fic exchange, try to hit my giftee’s likes and stuff as many MacGyver-inspired easter eggs as possible into the story.

Result:  14 “original series” MacGyver-isms crammed into this thing, including winks and nods to names and dates, and  plenty of Luke and Mara banter to accompany the mission. One of my most researched fics this year and one of the most fun to write!  And my giftee loved it, which is the best result possible.

7.  Physical Graffiti

Idea:  Agreed to a one-on-one fic exchange with @jessko-fic​, since we never get matched in “regular” exchanges.  She requested Luke x Sabine, which tied in perfectly to my never-ending goal of Luke x All The Ladies.

Result:  A (hopefully) sexy multi-chapter that required a lot of research on timelines to get them together for this “missing scene” and Mandalorian stuff.  My septuagenarian mom has proclaimed it’s her favorite of any of my stories, so I call it a success.  O_O  Yes, she reads my fic.

8.  Strangers When We Meet

Idea:  Write a reader-insert fic for @enmudecer​.  I love setting challenges for myself, and writing a smutty reader insert was something entirely new to tackle.

Result:  I think reader inserts sometimes get a bad name but they can be a lot of fun.  I avoided the (y/n) convention because I find it pulls me out of the story, tried hard to keep it gender neutral, and hopefully everyone who reads it can feel like they just banged Luke Skywalker 😉 Also I have a long-standing goal of writing songfic, and while I didn’t do it here, at least the title is from a Bowie song that seemed appropriate.  So not just my first reader-insert, my first song-titled-fic!

9.  Infectious

Idea:  The Thryce Discord, and in particular @handsofthrawn​, had been asking/lobbying me for ages about writing a quarantine fic since the world was in lockdown.

Result:  Well, this is what I achieved this year, when I look back at what I accomplished.  My longest fic ever, and a particularly ambitious premise of getting from an awkward, miserable (and hopefully realistic) fuck-or-die scenario to a happy ever after for my evil OTP.  I unashamedly love this story and I’m so happy and grateful to the readers who loved it with me—their comments and kudos gave me life when the stress of reality made me want to curl into a defensive little ball and hide for the rest of the year.

10.  Evilmousetober 2020

Idea:  I couldn’t choose what X-tober prompts to use for my October drabbles this year, so I used whatever felt right that day.

Result:  A compilation of my tumblr drabbles from various October prompts.

11. Dis Manibus

Idea:  I am not going to write this fic.  I am not going to write this fic.  Crack and ridonc and no way is there any conceivable way it would work.  And then I wrote it.  The basic concept as my muse nagged me was to write the “nightmare comfort” trope with Luke and Pryce.  WHY?! I HAVE NO IDEA I DON’T CONTROL THIS BITCH.  Anyway, the idea wouldn’t go away.

Result:  This fic is the perfect exhibit of how I never know what the heck is going to happen when I start writing.  Everything was a surprise to me, including the Thryce element to what was SUPPOSED to be a Luke/Pryce fic.  Also I didn’t get the smut I wanted.  *curses*  But I like it anyway and it worked, timing-wise, for Halloween-y themes.

12.  Alone Time

Idea:  After swearing not to write fic for the rest of the year, @contentment-of-cats​ put out her Merry Chissmas bingo card and my ambitious ass decided to try to knock every single prompt out with a one-shot.

Result:  Thrawn jerking off in the shower and thinking verrrrrry naughty things.  I apologize for nothing.

So in 2019 I wrote 26 fics and this year only got to about 12…but fanfic is for fun, and we all needed fun this year.  I enjoyed writing for you and I hope you enjoyed reading my output.  I look forward to providing more smexy silly and strange fic for you in 2021.  <3

[formless-monkeys]

What is your favorite relationship(s) in the show (romantically or platonically, doesn’t matter!)

Anon you will regret opening pandora’s box. Or not. In any case, this post is going to be very long because I’m full of love. Also, anything marked romantic does not need to be romantic for me to lose my shit over them. In no particular order, either. Just in the order I thought of them.

1. The Black-eyed trio

Characters: Otto, Sparx, and Gibson.

Type: Platonic, Romantic,

Explanation: These three are grouped together by virtue of not being obscenely powerful and serving more practical uses on the team. Also, their eyes are all the same color. Besides the poetic connections of the colors of their design, they were alone in the robot together while the other three monkeys were out training.

Sparx and Gibson’s interactions give me life, going from playful jabs to genuine fighting right back to ride-or-die is amazing. The beginning of Night Of Fear, the battles in Brothers In Arms, and a bunch of small moments throughout the series are wonderful for this.

I could write an essay about Otto and Gibson, and someone else already has, but I’ll summarize it as ADHD autism solidarity with a side of Shut The Fuck Up Gibson. They care about each other and learn to respect each other in a way that’s better for both of them. I know a real-life Gibson to my Otto and learning that she’s just pretentious and doesn’t really hate anyone, and figuring out that we’re both equally brilliant and incredibly similar has made life a million times better.

Otto and Sparx don’t have as much development as Gibson with both of them, but their jokes together and general trust is amazing. Sparx is the dumb monkey and Otto supports him in his himbo endeavors. 

These three together make an unstoppable technical team, and the only reason they probably couldn’t be a superhero team on their own is because of the raw power and fun dynamics brought by the other half of the team. 

Romantically, these three would make the DUMBEST polycule ever. There is no true mediator here. It’s three dumbasses figuring out how they could possibly share a twin-sized bed when they have the ability to just make a bigger bed. Gibson calculates the most efficient 3 monkey makeout and none of them follow the statistics. They all give Chiro equally useless and conflicting advice on homework. Trying to give them a mediator in the polycule just makes me go back to shipping polymonkeys because I literally can’t decide if Antauri or Nova go better with them.

2. Quiet trust and encouragement

Characters: Otto, Antauri

Type: Platonic, Romantic

Explanation: When Otto is being dismissed by the other monkeys, or by the show itself, Antauri is usually the first to say “that’s bullshit, Otto is wonderful”. Circus Of Ooze is a notable example, but there are little moments in other seasons as well. 

I just love the idea of the historically MOST SERIOUS and strongest monkey, sometimes even elevated to god-like status by some fanworks... paired with the monkey that has been infantilized and disrespected to no end. I personally like making Antauri have to lean on Otto, just to subvert that even further. 

Beyond spite, I ship this simply because I like their dynamic. Antauri needs someone to ground him with more tactile physical things, and Otto needs someone to share his more nebulous thoughts I can’t imagine the others listening to. I love them.

Also, I want Antauri to unlock his true dumbass potential. He has the abilities, but not the will. Be silly with Otto. I want to hear him snort-laugh.

I literally forgot all the silver monkey stuff but I got three fics about that you know I go nuts over mechanic x robot shit.

3. The monkeys and their human son.

Characters: Chiro, Antauri, Nova, Sparx, Gibson, Otto

Type: Familial

Explanation: This family gives me joy. They were forced together through astronomical means and they made the best of it. 

Everyone living in the robot is absolutely fucked up. They help each other in the darkest of times. They lift each other up when it’s light. They are a perfect team and nobody can be missing without it feeling wrong. But they can add people!

“Girl Trouble” as a concept is AMAZING to me but my secondhand embarrassment is so strong that I hate the episode. But never once is any of the monkeys resentful of Chiro. Not even Mandarin is like “wow I wish he didn’t take my place” no he’s also struck with the urge to nurture this kid to his fullest potential. Whether you see the team as a bunch of older siblings or 4 dads and a mom doesn’t really matter, they’re a family.

I mean, this also has a sprinkling of shipping all the monkeys in a really domestic way because I like seeing my optimal future in characters I like, but like literally all of these, it doesn’t need to be romantic for me to go nuts. I just think it would be fun to throw just a big monkey wedding or whatever. And funnier for Antauri to go “Chiro I’m having a baby. The baby is you” and holding up adoption papers because on the principle of Toby “Radiation” Fox I love that joke, especially when made much less weird than the original context.

I have a set of characters who is just 5 people in a polycule raising kids and living life because I really love this concept as a family.

4. Evil Coworkers

Characters: Mandarin, Sakko

Type: Romantic, Platonic,

Explanation: Why the hell are these two, in particular, working together? SK could’ve put Mandarin with literally anybody else and he chose what on the surface appears to be the LEAST compatible person on the account that they’re both monkeys. Some bitter asshole who now looks like the epitome of toxic masculinity and this tiny pink pet who used his femininity both as an advantage and a style. They’re different but it ends up working really well for both of them because they’re different in ways that cover each other’s bases. It’s wonderful. Pink and Orange go well together. Green and Purple go well together. Mandarin and Sakko go well together. Also, they clearly trust each other. During almost the entirety of “Hidden Fortress” Sakko was presumably just chilling inside of Mandarin’s armor. Mandarin trusted him enough to have Sakko in a place where he’s able to mess with his cybernetics, and Sakko trusted Mandarin enough to go into the battlefield with him and probably get tossed around.

If they were both human and in a more modern media, then they would definitely be shipped in the straightest way you can get without actually being straight. The Straightest Gay Ship. 

5. A Witch and her Accidental Evil Coworker

Characters: Skelemandarin, Valeena.

Type: Platonic, Romantic, 

Explanation: These two have been through some shit. Skelemandy was made to serve Skeleton King only to have that purpose yanked away from him. Valeena was groomed to idolize and serve Skeleton King for nearly her entire life. They were forced together by SHEER CHANCE and they both hated it. Arguably they both died at some point. 

They both have absolutely NOBODY they can trust so let’s make them trust each other. All hilarity and sweetness comes from that. 

Their dynamic is so good that I have them on a blog for a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FANDOM and people love them with no context. 

This is the only cross-species ship I have (besides chinmay and the antauri ships but that doesn’t count), but the fact that Skelemandy isn’t actually a monkey and needs no cybernetic assistance to be human-level sentient makes it a lot less weird. Just put them on equal ground power-wise (like by nerfing Valeena’s magic) and you have the ingredients for bonding. 

They have like, no cute moments in canon, but that’s why we have fics and art. They have potential. I want them to help each other figure out who they are without their purpose. I want them to survive this horrible life together. I want them to figure out how to trust again. I want a lot but Valeena is fucking dead.

But she doesn’t have to be.

(Also Valeena is REALLY HOT and Skelemandarin is just me as a monkey)

6. Gay Dads

Characters: The Alchemist, Captain Shuggazoom

Type: Romantic, Platonic

Explanation: Oh my stars. Oh null. Oh me oh my hhougfhfakjghf. These two have the angst of Mantauri but on crack. 

They only appeared in about two episodes each and all three episodes are top tier. They call each other “Friend” multiple times in their shared episode. THEY’RE FRIENDS!!!!!!!!! The face Al makes when he realizes that Cap is visiting makes me really happy. The fact that Cap had this whole Batman Double Life thing and he shows the Alchemist BOTH OF THEM is amazing. The alchemist is a hermit living in the woods and he lets Cap into that life. 

There isn’t a lot shown, much less than everything else here. But that makes every single fanfic so much richer since they’re almost completely based on headcanons. Friends who have a mutual crush on each other but are No Homo about it? Secret boyfriends? Husbands with 6 monkey kids? An Old man and a grumpy Skeleton making it work? Literally just platonic friends? Dude, you can do whatever you want. 

The tragedy of these two losing each other to one big horrible event crushes me. It influences my every move in my creative work. I have an entire character dedicated to reuniting these two in the most astronomical and ridiculous way possible because the alchemist angered the gods but she thinks he needs some company in his eternal punishment.

I want Clayton to unlock Al’s less serious, more fun side. I want them to work together. I want them to hold hands. GHGHGHDFBG UTTHTYE CNAZSNT EBCV ASUA ER

7. The girl power duo

Characters: Nova, Jinmay

Type: Familial

Explanation: These two were my only comfort during the uncomfortable nightmare that is “The Hills Have Five”

Nova was the one who trained Jinmay, and it seems like they hang out a lot offscreen in season 4. They fulfill the early 2000′s cartoon archetypes of girl and Girl, so they’re supposed to get along. If they didn’t I probably wouldn’t like Jinmay.

Nova is a really good big sister/parental figure to Jinmay, who never had any family to speak of. 

Anyway, this entry has to be shorter because most of their bonding is in “The Hills Have Five” which is either #1 or #2 in my least favorite episode list. Not because it’s bad, but because it makes me viscerally uncomfortable. I really wish literally any other character than Jinmay was in her role in that episode. Or that the “taken to an offscreen area by an adult man while she screams” just wasn’t there. SHE’S 13!!! Nova did literally all she could to help. 

I really like that scene in questionable where Valeena kills almost the entire gang. It’s what they deserve.

Look I just really like Jinmay and I always have. She deserves a good Mom.

8. "My Second In Command”

Characters: Antauri, Mandarin

Type: Theoretical

Explanation: The fandom has really made this ship go from “literally nothing to stand on” to “integral plot point in a lot of fics”. Seriously. I have TWO screenshots that vaguely imply these two ever stood next to each other on the battlefield. This was entirely title-based and fan-made until ProjectAfectivity interviewed Ciro. Yeah he knows Antauri but only as well as the rest of the team. Anyway. Wow. This ship.

This is by far the worst breakup in history. These two, despite what Antauri says, were on equal ground at some point. According to Ciro (and fan speculation), they trained together. This (and other Mandy ship) changes wildly depending on if you think Mandarin was corrupted by the portal or not. Maybe Mandarin was once a kind leader who just crossed the wrong boundaries and paid for it. He could’ve held Antauri gently before battle. He could’ve been the monkey Antauri went to when he needed someone to talk to. He could’ve hyped the team up like Chiro does.

Or maybe, they were constantly fighting against each other in small ways. An incredibly unhealthy relationship, yes, but an interesting story. I like stories where Antauri isn’t this all-knowing pillar of stability. He’s got weaknesses. One of them may have been Mandarin.

Now that’s a good nickname from one to the other.

Imagine Antauri, in a moment of complete trust, declaring Mandarin his weakness. A sweet sentiment. They both know the other is incredibly strong, and trust that the other would never take advantage of that connection. They love each other. Until...

9. "My Closest Ally”

Characters: Otto, Mandarin

Type: Theoretical

Explanation: Okay I'm looking at the screenshot I put for this entry while also having watched Evil Ages recently. My brain is making uncomfortable connections. Combine that with the fandom and the show’s general treatment of Otto and I’m about to slam my head into a wall. I really do not like that, but I feel like there’s somebody out there who does. 

Anyway, this is Gibotto and Ottauri but with all the spice that shipping Mandarin with one of the other monkeys brings. When done well, it’s all the respecting Otto that comes with Ottauri and all the intimate partnership of Gibotto. And the Angst of Mantauri, but a lot more grounded. 

It paints a lot of stories. A story of a single point of comfort in a world Mandarin thinks is out to get him. A story of powerful validation from the one authority in Otto’s life. Of letting your guard down. Of trust, then breaking that trust.

I’d LOVE to see some things with Mandottotauri because that’s epic and cool and poggers. Don’t see a lot, though.

10.The Hets, I guess.

Characters: Jinmay, Chiro. 

Type: Romantic. Platonic. Canon.

Explanation: Look two entries on this list are polyamorous and four of them are mandarin so I have to say SOMETHING for the heteroes following me. Picked this ship over Spova because when I was a young child still suffering from comphet, I never watched the last episode of the show. I only saw up to season 3 at the most. This was the only canon ship for me. And out of all the ships, it’s the most relatable. I’m currently a teenager with black hair who looks really good in eyeliner dating a girl with pink hair who can pick me up and is unbelievably sweet. Except we’re gay and polyam. Wait a second I totally had a crush on Jinmay as a kid and now my gf is the Jinmay in this situation. Oh my god I was going to make this comparison if I did Spova too and I liked Nova.

ANYWAY

These are two LONELY kids. Chiro had bullies during school, and now he doesn’t even go to school. Jinmay hasn’t really had friends at all. Two kids with places in their universe that they aren’t too sure about, and just need someone to lean on. Their date was cute. They instantly bonded over their love of monkeys and I love that. 

The super robot is sometimes an analog for Chiro, in the first two season at least, and the way the super robot held Jinmay’s hands to keep her steady on the COB while her head flew in was SO SWEET. Chiro’s instant recognition and reaction to Jinmay’s head being thrown at the team, as well. He really loves her.

I think it’d be interesting if she didn’t love him back, though. I might take a stab at writing that.

[sapphicdalliances]

Dear Chocolatier,

thank you so much for being here!! my sincere apologies for the lateness and messiness of this letter! sorry about my incredibly inconsistent capitalisation! it has been updated on the 8th of january, and may receive more updates this week.

I’m a simple bitch with simple tastes; here is a general summary of my preferences, and fandom-specific notes and prompts can be found further down!

I very much enjoy:

Fics that are short, but imply a longer, deeper verse; since this exchange is for short fics, but some of my prompts seem expansive, I just want to give you carte blanche permission to dip into an AU, splash around in it, and simply not provide additional details.

Comedic tones, slice-of-life, lighthearted fun, any amount of improbable romcom tropes

Am also on board with misunderstandings and drama as long as there is a happy ending!

I’m deeply okay with AUs, and most likely would be down for any modern, romcom, fantasy/fairytale, gender swap, or remix/crossover AUs you feel inspired to explore! My favourite settings include mundane/urban fantasy (witches! werewolves!), anachronism-stew-with-magic western fantasy jumbles, and disney’s Tangled.

Writing tropes I love:

Proposal fic

Wedding fic where the couple getting married is not the main couple

Outsider/third character POV of the main couple

Exes who are still in love/getting back together

Friends-with-benefits-with-feelings/did a bad job keeping it casual

Shipfic where two or more couples are contrasted

Oblique declarations of love/saying i love you without saying i love you

Provision and caretaking (acts of service!)

Aggressive matchmaking/wingmanning by an enthused friend

Hanahaki, or any other improbably dramatic instances of Cannot Spit It Out

Arranged marriage/fake marriage/fake dating

Epistolary fic

Regrettably I also love a/b/o, especially the kind that emphasises on scent safety and contains little to no actual sex

Art tropes I love, if you offered art:

Art where the characters simply look fond.

Fashion remixes – street fashion, cultural/traditional clothes, festival clothes, renfaire-esque clothes, beach photoshoot, get wild with it

Putting animal characteristics on one or both of them

Botanical motifs + celestial motifs

When plants grow directly out of people

The thing where character A is focused on something they’re doing or seeing, and the character B is focused only, wholly, desperately on A. please… the Gaze

Depictions of intimacy where faces are partially or fully hidden, but the body language is gentle

Characters SLEEPING next to each other, or comfortably doing separate activities in each other’s presence

If you wish to get frisky with your fills:

Yes!

Go for it!

I don’t have strong top/bottom preferences (and usually enjoy it when they switch or are otherwise generally equitable) so whatever you’re in the mood for is fine!

Kink tropes I very much enjoy include oral, restraints, praise kink, when proud characters cry during sex because they love their partners so much, and xeno tropes.

I love non-horny sex scenes; comedic, silly, charged, fraught, or simply affectionate exchanges that happen to include sex are my favourite. Feelings are the real kissing disease.

But like, if you wanna get horny about it.

Chase your bliss.

They simply must be in love.

I’m not as into:

Kidfic

First person narration

Soulmate AUs specifically

Kink wise, my only major squicks are incest, teacher/student, and public sex/getting caught, but i’m also not super keen on daddy kink, toilet stuff, or anything with blades or needles.

In general, please avoid:

Character death or serious/permanent injury

Animal abuse or death

Infidelity

Hopeless or downer endings

Fandom specific info:

Haikyuu!!

changed my life, cured my depression, what can be said about it? truly one of the most important series to me of all time. all musings on craft and creativity aside, let’s focus on the TRUE LOVE!!

i’m all caught up with the manga and supplementary materials!

suggested prompts: - sakuatsu, being mean to each other on purpose vs. being soft to each other by accident - kagehina or iwaoi dealing with LDR - kyouhaba are forced to cooperate on an innocuous, preferably wholesome task, such as gardening, or finding the owner of a lost dog, and it goes approximately As One Would Expect - bokukuroo + overheard phone conversation: and you've slept together how many times now? hmm. yeah, that's not technically a bromance (not in a no-homo way, just in a we-are-both-so-stupid-and-like-each-other-so-much-way) - actually that overheard phone conversation would work for any of these ships.

suggested prompts, art-specific: - festival clothes!! - put some wings on some of them. now it's bird romance, which is for birds - (i lied, this isn't art-specific at all, wingfic is always welcome in any of its forms) - just pick up your whole boyfriend and carry him like that. maybe even kiss him.

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

Oofuri

suggested prompts: - Hanai and Tajima really. struggle to get together. for like a bunch of years probably? Tajima copes with it by patiently processing his emotions in a healthy way and enjoying some casual dating. Hanai copes with it, as he does all things, by not coping - The ways Abe and Mihashi learn to take care of each other… Mihashi cooking 4 Abe… T_T

Promare

i simply think the twink and the himbo are in love.

Ace Attorney

favourite klapollo dynamic goes like this:

klavier: *genuinely and sincerely in love with apollo, in a very soft way* apollo: *furious* he's mocking me. why are you like this? klavier: I enjoy your company apollo: FINE, KEEP YOUR SECRETS

also consider: - what if klavier was a big ol golden retriever and apollo was just an angry liddol bunny. like, think about it

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

Wotakoi

I love that this series has three couples in different stages of a relationship: one who’ve been together for years and love each other like well-worn grooves; one who have history but have only just recently begun a relationship and are discovering each other anew; and one who probably will not bring themselves to share a kiss for another 27 calendar years.

Narumi/Hirotaka: Honestly, the main couple of a series usually goes over my head a bit, but the more i thought about these two the more wretchedly fond of them I became. The thing I think of the most is how Narumi taught him how to smile as a child; how she did things that meant nothing to her, so easily does kindness come, but that meant so much to him; and how now that they are grown, he does things for her that take no effort, but shake her foundations. I think theirs is a love that grows quietly; something that cannot change the world, but can change them.

Koyanagi/Kabakura: My thoughts on these two are not complex, but they are deeply positive. I love how huge their personalities are, and how they fit around and against each other; I love the implication that despite their endless bickering, they are not an on-again-off-again kind of relationship, and have instead chosen each other over and over again for ten straight years. I love that despite everything, they are kind to each other, first and foremost; they find ways to apologise and to take care of each other, and treat each other gently in private.

Kou/Naoya: I love every ship in this manga equally but perhaps I love Kou/Naoya more equally than the other two? They are just so kind and so silly, and so sweet to each other in exactly the way both of them didn’t realise they were missing. I think about Naoya being told that Kou is “okay with being alone”, and realising that “okay with it” and “have accepted it” are different, and taking his little baby steps to fix it. I think about Kou giving Naoya every last drop of patience he’s trained himself not to accept, and doing so because it simply makes her happy. My only concern is that they are both bottoms. I don’t have a solution for this.

suggested prompts, fic:

- accidentally dating ft. Kou and Naoya, or, “and you’ve made out how many times now? Hmm. Yeah, that’s not technically a bromance.” - 5 times Hirotaka and Narumi almost, almost kissed, and 1 time they did; the unresolved romantic tension may kill me and it would be worth it - what Hirotaka and Narumi taught each other (apart from the more mundane gaming and life skills, i believe that she taught him how to smile and be loved by others, and he taught her how to be loved by herself!) - smutty domesticity ft. Koyanagi and Kabakura — a lazy Sunday, laundry in the sun, fucking on the couch, everything easy with familiarity - (addendum to above: pegging)

suggested prompts, art: - festival clothes - someone’s getting married - naoya: *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a tangerine* *hands kou a t - red string of fate motifs

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-Kun

seowaka: they are idiots, and they like each other very much, but they do not know. i love a tall crying boy and his short but much more powerful girlfriend.

chiyo/nozaki + chiyo/nozaki/mikorin: im rooting for her in the face of such overwhelming stupidity. one himbo is difficult enough to seduce but two. chiyo is a hero and a woman of rare courage. i like the pair and the trio equally; again, if you go with trio, it’s important that they all love each other please!

suggested prompts: - 5 times any of these ships went on a date without realising, and the time they realised - urban fantasy AU where Waka is a hapless monster hunter and Seo is an annoying but deeply harmless werewolf who’s been terrorizing his town?? - fairytale AU where Seo believes she must rescue the prince from the tower and deliver him back to the kingdom capital, and the prince, who had not realised he’d been kidnapped, thinks Seo is a usurper from a rival kingdom who must be supervised all the way back to the kingdom capital to be served her justice

suggested prompts, art-specific: - festival clothes… - nozaki carrying chiyo, who’s carrying mikorin - (seo carrying waka) - waka sleeping peacefully in seo’s presence… :’(

Or please do remix it with any of my general tropes listed above!

we made it through all the fandoms.

Thank you for making it to the end of this whole disaster; I hope at least one of the prompts sparked joy! The most important thing to me is that whatever you end up doing, you are able to enjoy the process at least somewhat, and deliver a creation that you like! I can also be found on twitter at @hawberries_ (for art) and @popplioikawa (for general ramblings). If you need some more inspo, I recommend going through my art tags for the selected ships because I put a lot of Opinions into my fanart.

[full-course-identity]

Give me your thoughts on uuuh Jake

wew boy

okay. gonna word dump this, and probably other interpretation asks, so I can get the words out there.

from my POV, there’s 3 types of canon Jake + 1 fanon vers + my personal interpretation. lemme explain what they are;

Book Jake, who I don’t have enough experience with bc I STILL haven’t finished the book… >_>;

2River Jake, who is kinda oblivious and very in-the-moment impulsive (not so bad he’s jumping place to place ADHD like Rich, but like, not considering that maybe dropping everything to seduce Madeline or Christine is a bad idea when he clearly really likes Chloe). these are debatably survival mechanisms bc of his family (and wealth, if you want to go into the “being rich actually traumatizes you and locks you into dissociation” theory–but to be fair, this is partially reliant on thinking Jake is Genuinely Rich. … well, not Rich as in… yeah); ignoring any pain he feels in favor of getting dicked down and forgetting about everything for a while. very “I’m not sad, I’m busy!!!!!” 

Bway (possibly the new canon general for all Jakes since it sounds like London’s is modeled after him but just… toned down), who is still oblivious, but towards other people’s emotions instead of himself; he’s manipulative, a little impulsive but a lot more malicious about it, and he knows exactly how hurt he is about his parents. this jake’s awareness of himself makes him act worse because he knows this is the only thing that seems to help and it’s basically the only thing he actually has control of. his wealthiness is undeniably present and Bad here because the reason taking what he wants and not caring that it hurts people is his main coping skill is pretty much only because he’s been allowed that privilege all his life. i tend to think this version of him should be done by a white cishet dude (despite jake’s actor on bway being genuinely FANTASTIC) bc being marginalized in a high school should’ve curved a lot of the “endless power and privilege” he gets for being rich (Not That One). 

[i… think this jake has ‘better’/more nuanced writing in BWay… but i don’t think it fits the musical nor is it the overall direction i think it should’ve gone. BMC feels best to me when there’s a heavier element of Dark Humor that briefly nods to a Larger and more Fucked Up world behind the bit we see in the musical. making it largely a twisted comedy, maybe even ramping that up further with more whiplash lines like jake’s “which means the house is empty, so that’s fun”]

Fanon Jake is… like most of the fanon characters in BMC, a bit… “bipolar” (like, radically shifting depending on the situation). the BMC fandom has been born with heavy engagement from minors in the current fascist climate of fandom as a whole. as a result, you have three general uses of jake that as “approved of” by somehow the exact same people despite being conflicting in a lot of ways. THIS IS NOT ME SHITTING ON FANON, i actually think most of this fandom is just a casual romp for most people and that shouldn’t be snatched away from them nor mocked nor treated like you HAVE to be logically consistent when this is just a fun hobby for most… but there are still trends i notice:

1: Jake the sweet bi disaster who loves their significant other and is just a little bit hopeless in their silliness and Down For Whatever-esque personality. this is often used for shippy pictures and memes and cute little oneshots, plus, of course, fluff.

2: Jake the tragic abuse victim who is extremely sad and has to learn to love again and has always been selfless, plus or minus a permanent disability post-fire. this is of course used for hurt/comfort, plus in combination kinda with michael in the bathroom-esque posts and tragic art, often also used as an example of the squip being the worst for jeremy or rich guilt trauma. also: aesthetic and moodboard posts.

3: the one I have the least good will towards: Jake the “why does everybody woobify mlm? You can’t portray him without flaws! queer boys aren’t your fetish!!!” with an attached, clunkily written reasons why he was an asshole that is also simultaneously watered down so you don’t think he’s a Monster bc then you’d be vilifying queer men (well, more like they’d feel bad about their cutesy-er ‘emotional support’ art and writing which is Totally Different from all the other cutesy emotional support art and writing). 

basically, Meta Trying To Make Jake Reasonably Flawed But Not Evil in this fandom is RARELY genuine–it’s more often than not moralistic hand-wringing made so that they can wash themselves of the guilt for actually enjoying something with a character they portray as mlm, or otherwise the guilt of enjoying anything romantic or sexual involving men or queer people period when we’re apparently not supposed to do that anymore, as decreed by the radfems infesting our spaces. 

and, well, or you’re an mlm writing this post, you’re probably young and still feeling extremely sensitive and scared about your identity. i once saw a very wise post by a trans person who had been trans for a long time, who said that when you first come out as trans (or queer in general, but especially trans people who are beginning social or physical transition and coming to terms with themselves) you are obvs on High Fucking Alert and so you’re insecure and scared of anything, ranging from “obvious transphobia” to “just trans people enjoying themselves and exploring transphobia in fiction or else their own sexuality”. again, this can relate to a lot of identities tbh, and as such young mlm either cis or trans can get very Itchy about people enjoying mlm content.

anyway.

wrapping it back around to me: i edit jake on a case by case basis (sometimes i even make him eviler or meaner based on what’s set up during Bway, he’s just not my usual go-to villain), but i tend to think of him as a tragic Mr. Peanutbutter-y sweetheart who kinda knows he feels like shit yet also knows that if he stops to assess it, it would make his life a lot harder in a time where he can’t afford that. his relationship with chloe is extremely toxic (chloe abuses him horribly, specifically), and so he tries to claw his way out of it only to be continually back in by chloe and her bullshit. 

this is why he doesn’t really get... well. he genuinely thought the thing with christine was going to be permanent; he wasn’t jerking her around, he thought he was over chloe and wanted a girl as cool and fun and genuinely nice as her. afterward he Gets It, and so feels Really Bad--at a time where he doesn’t have his house, his legs are broken (i don’t tend to put him in a perma-wheelchair), his parents have abandoned him, and he best friend is in the hospital. guilt crashes in on him from all sides, and he just has to... pretend it isn’t, even as he can no longer stop himself from thinking about it.

if i was to do a jake focused story, it’d probably be a dating sim where you play as him and watch his life change in conjunction with his attempts to find happiness again; you can either choose decisions that help him greatly or ruin his life so ver much... hmm. lets file that under hashtag “story ideas i’ll never use even though they could be great”

to wrap this up: i like jake. i don’t... really enjoy most of the written content (fanfic, meta, sometimes even the storylines on ask blogs) in this fandom about him or... really, most of the characters, which i feel bad about--i’d enjoy it more if it was every in conjunction with my usual Wants in a fic, which is, like. extreme angst.

BUT

i do still like jake, and i can super enjoy his portrayal in memes and visual art

he’s just not my total fave, but like, the reason he tends not to come up a lot in my content is more what i’m focusing on and why. i’d be happy to use him in stories if his presence fit.

as a bonus

here’s the ships i’m happy to use him for, generally: deere, michael/jake, brooke/jake, toxic chloe/jake, and of course, different ocs/jake

his identities/labels: cis, bisexual/romantic... tho sometimes i actually go for bisexual and aromantic! outside bway and eviler jakes, i’m good with him being any race, and even then it’s just a matter of suspending disbelief re: privilege theory. also, PTSD probably, and maybe generalized anxiety as a result. maaaaaybe autistic too? adhd would be a hard sell for me since he seems super put together in a way that’d be extremely difficult for every form of adhd, but i can see him being neurodivergent on the spectrum + like dyslexia maybe. oh, and i sorta-kinda think he may be color blind? but really i’d drop that at a moment’s notice if it’d be easier to write him without it lol.

his interests: one is more or less sports in general, tho i think that, unless he went straight for track or swimming or something Olympics (which he probably can’t do now...), that’s a high school or some college only focus for him. so, besides sports, i think he’d kinda like the satisfaction and steady growth of Collecting Rare Things That You Have To Look For, like cool rocks, bugs, etc. 

as for careers... some form of doctor something, maybe a businessman of some sort but he’d likely try to curve his power in that field as much as possible; he inherits his parents' assets and company or whatever, but he probably takes a backseat to that and only really has it out of a sense of ‘it’s my job as my parent’s kid to keep the company going--without engaging in the same awful legal issues they did--for as long as i can’. one of my fave jake-is-there stories, vanceypant’s spicy bis-focused fic 1999, has him owning a restaurant, and that was cool as hell.

also jake loves dogs. especially golden retrievers. yes.

[minnuet-archive]

about me!

hey! i'm vio.

that's not my real name (by real name, i don't mean dead name - i mean chosen name that i use in real life), but it doesn't mean i chose it at random. viola (vio) is my online name for a reason.

i chose the name viola because even though it's a girl's name, it's also the name of one of shakespeare's most sexually ambiguous characters to exist. vio, while also being a nickname for viola, is it's own name that comes from the word vita, meaning life.

in fact, i want vio to be my middle name once i legally change my name.

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i've kind of come to terms with my good traits and my not-so-good traits. i've been described as charismatic, kind, intelligent, patient, caring, thoughtful, good at giving advice, and funny. but the downside to being (supposedly) charismatic is that i can be manipulative. i also lie a little more than i should because of my anxiety.

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sexuality and gender wise, i'm not someone you can put into labels. i'm equally okay with he/him and they/them pronouns, so i'm perfectly comfortable with either the label trans ftm or nonbinary.

although i'm TECHNICALLY pansexual, I enjoy the term queer because it makes me feel less self conscious about if i'm more straight than gay (or vice versa) and things like that.

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i'm: - a pisces - a slytherin (although i don't support j.k. rowling herself and i don't love the harry potter series either, knowing my house will probably help you get a feel for who i am) - an enfj/infj (it changes a surprising amount) - an 8 (then a 3, then a 5) in the enneagram - chaotic neutral - a son of loki - a son of either hermes or hades (it's been a long internal debate)

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i love: - hunter x hunter (ハンター×ハンター / hantā hantā) - attack on titan (進撃の巨人 / shingeki no kyojin) - my hero academia (僕のヒーローアカデミア / boku no hīrō akademia) - death note (デスノート / desu nōto) - haikyu!! (ハイキュー!! / haikyū!!) - violet evergarden (ヴァイオレット・エヴァーガーデン / vaioretto evāgāden) - nura: rise of the yokai clan (ぬらりひょんの孫 / nurarihyon no mago / nurarihyon's grandson) - ouran high school host club (桜蘭高校ホスト部 / ōran Kōkō Hosuto Kurabu) - black clover (ブラッククローバー / burakku kurōbā) - yuri!!! on ice (ユーリ!!! on ICE) - westworld - the politician - the haunting of hill house - the good place - good omens - brooklyn nine-nine - on my block - lost in space - many more

i'm a big shipper and it causes me quite a bit of pain considering i mostly ship gay ships and i also mostly watch animes so they'll never happen.

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i used to play basketball and tennis, but now i mainly just use my dad's peloton bike and go on runs. oh, and i also snowboard and surf! i'm pretty good at surfing although i need someone to push me on a wave and i'm getting a lot better at snowboarding (although i'm not GOOD).

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i enjoy cooking too, but don't have enough time or energy for it. i love horror movies and house plants, but i can't take care of them for shit.

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i really like to listen to music!!! it's very hard to describe my musical taste, but my top grneres are modern rock, indie pop, indie, pop, rock, electropop, and dance pop. 

i used to listen to more emo music, but recently i’ve found that it just gets me down, so i try to listen to upbeat/chill music.

my spotify account name is strangecharm if you want to follow me! the playlist currently. has music that rotates as i find my favorite songs, but seventh grade. has all the music i've liked this year! i also really enjoy the playlist chill.

i also like musicals (dear evan hansen, be more chill, heathers, six the musical, and hamilton for the most part), but they're not what i listen to for the most part.

oh! i'm a singer and a pianist! i've always loved singing, but i always hated piano. a while ago, i got significantly better and started playing songs i enjoyed. it gave me this sense of motivation i've never felt when it comes to piano. i've even composed a couple piano pieces at this point!

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another really nerdy thing about me is that i genuinely enjoy philosophy and poetry (particularly from one of my favorites, rumi).

i love: - john green - david levithan - terry pratchett - neil gaiman - tomi adeyemi - rick riordan - jalāl ad-dīn muhammad rūmī (aka rumi; he’s an ancient persian poet, and he’s queer as hell) overall, i don't really read by authors, though. for the most part, when i choose a book, it's because it was recommended to me or is of value to me as an author.

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i'd like to grow up to be an author, but i also want to teach writing so i can share what i know! my (dream) life plan is kind of to go to college in london or, if not, somewhere on the east coast of the united states.

from there, i'd either want to study abroad in japan or get my english abroad permit and teach english in japan.

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i'm re-learning spanish and learning japanese, too! i want to learn them for four main reasons among many: 1) knowing spanish is really helpful in america 2) i can write novels in english, spanish, and japanese! 3) both spanish and japanese are absolutely beautiful languages- way more beautiful than english. 4) i can watch animes and have peace of mind because i won't have to read subtitles that are insanely off from what the voice actors are saying.

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i'm an eclectic witch (although i am particularly drawn to divination and green witchcraft)!

i really love tarot cards! some people think they can tell the future which is okay (i guess), but personally, i just use them to help me recognize themes in my and other people's life/lives from an unbiased perspective and help make things better.

my favorite kind of spells are jar spells and tea spells. if i'm doing spells, they're normally protection spells, self-love spells, or anti-anxiety/depression/bad vibe spells. i don't really believe in trying to use hexes or curses because then you're no better than the person you're cursing.

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i love art, but i'm not very good at it, so for the most part i do abstract art instead of realistic art. abstract art is pretty fun, too!

i'm trying to get better at using proportions and things, though. my favorite method is the loomis method and i love the youtube channel proko.

you can check out my book on wattpad, artistic elixir (i know, cheesy; i thought i was cool and i’m too lazy to rename it), if you want to see some of my art.

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i have a lot of unpopular opinions. some are big and some are small. that's just who i am. my mom's insanely left wing and lgbtq+ herself, but my dad's neither left nor right wing, leaving him hated by both wings. i've become a weird mix where i'm definitely more left wing than right, but i'm also not really either wing.

for example, i think that, if I'm being honest, the amount of labels in LGBTQ+ community has gotten out of hand. i'm not saying that the feelings aren't real. I'm not saying that it's impossible to not want to have sex or feel physical attraction until you get to know someone. but some genders & sexualities sound a lot more like a preference to me. i think that a lot of labels that exist could easily fit into other ones that already did exist. i also feel that you need some kind of dysphoria to be genderqueer and that neopronouns are a bit unnecessary.

basically, the rule of thumb for me is that i don't give a fuck. by saying this, i mean that i both do not give a fuck: 1) in that you can do whatever you want and be whoever you want and don't have to to live by my opinions. i understand and respect that and i’ll love you the same as long as you’re not hurting anyone with your actions. 2) in that i won't tiptoe around you, trying not to hurt you. i will share my opinion, regardless of whether or not it hurts you. i speak my mind; that's how i've always been and always will be.

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i have a pinterest, a wattpad, an archive of our own, a spotify, and, obviously, a tumblr, so just ask me if you want my account on any of them!

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that’s basically all i can think of, but i’ll always answer questions for you guys! just send me an ask or even a pm if you want to ask any other questions, or even just want to talk! i’m always up for making friends!

-vio/viola 

[ive-got-99-problems]

In The Woods (Rocket x OC)

Max, the hunters, and the characters in the town, the rest belong to Marvel! <3

The art is also done by me.

Whose ready for a long chapter?

------ Chapter 9, Fireflies ------ He still suffered from the dreams that night but was immediately comforted when he awoke with Max by his side, her arms wrapped tightly around him, keeping him protected from the outside world. He would often wake up before falling asleep again and by nine am he was tired of it and decided to get up. He gently pushed himself away from Max, her arms heavy on his waist. He froze when she began to stir, but instead of waking up she just moved her arm so she was grabbing onto her pillow instead of Rocket.

Rocket sighed in relief and jumped off the bed before making his way to the bathroom. He quickly took a shower and dried himself off, his fur standing on end as he tried to brush them down. He then made his way to the kitchen and went ahead a grabbed two bowls of cereal, he knew Max would be up soon so he might as well get her breakfast ready too. It wasn’t long after pouring the milk in when he heard footsteps approaching, he looked up to see Max.

She was still in her pajamas, or at least what Rocket hoped was her pajamas. It was a maroon-colored oversized T-shirt that hung over her lower thigh and her hair was a tangled mess. She stretched her arms out, causing her shirt to ride up which made Rocket instinctively look away.

“Morning Rocket,” she yawned, “Did you sleep any better?”

“Yeah, thanks,” he muttered as he passed her the bowl.

“Thank you,” she whispered before taking a bite, she looked up at him. He still was avoiding her gaze as he ate, she frowned, debating if she should even bother taking. “I missed you this morning.”

Rocket furrowed his brow and looked up at her, “What do you mean?”

Max looked down at her bowl, a light blush misting her cheeks, “When I woke up, I uh, I missed see you next to me.”

Rocket’s cheeks darkened into a deep red, his gaze snapping away, “O-Oh,” was all he could manage to say.

Max looked up at him, trying to read his face and see if she had made him uncomfortable. He didn’t seem to be too phased by the comment so she just ignored it.

“Hey, so I was wondering, maybe we could go hiking today?”

“Hiking?”

“Yeah, you know, walking around the woods and exploring?”

Rocket winced, “Eh I don’t know Maxie.”

A shiver ran down Max’s spine as he said her name, she always loved it when he called her that. “Come on Rocket, it’ll be fun and we don’t have to stay out for long if you don’t want to.”

Rocket was silent for a moment, debating if this was a good idea or not.

“Ah fuck it,” he breathed before turning to her, “Yeah, alright, we can go hiking.”

Max smiled big and let out a tiny squeal before rushing back to her bedroom, “Alright, let me just get ready!”

“Um, do you want to finish your cereal?”

“No I’m alright, thank you!”

Rocket couldn’t help but laugh at her excitement, it had been a while since he’d been as excited as her. He cleaned out their bowls as Max got ready, quickly dashing back and forth from her bedroom, to the bathroom, to the closet, and then into the kitchen.

“Let’s see, let’s see, am I forgetting anything?” She questioned as she tapped her lip with her pointer finger.

“The kitchen sink?” Rocket snarked as he saw the large backpack she had beside her feet, “You sure you’ll be able to carry that?”

“Huh, oh yeah, I do it all the time,” she said with a wave of her hand and a smile on her face, “Let me just get us some water and then we’ll be off!”

Rocket felt bad letting Max be the one to carry such a large backpack up all the hills, but when he offered to carry something she just waved him off.  They walked alongside the creek before crossing it when they came across a series of rocks that formed a natural bridge. Rocket was never really a nature person, Groot was more than enough nature for him. But he did have to admit, the fresh air, the chirping of birds, and the light breeze were very nice.

"I wonder if we'll find any of your family out here?"

Rocket cocked his head in confusion before finally realizing what she had meant, "Haha, very funny," he spoke sarcastically with a roll of his eyes.

She laughed, "Have you ever been face to face with a raccoon before?"

"Yeah I have, it was somethin, I honestly don't get why Quill calls me that all the time, I don't even really look like 'em."

"Whose Quill?"

Rocket froze for a moment, his sudden quietness causing Max to stop and turn to him.

"Rocket, what's wrong?" She asked as her face contorted into a worried expression.

"It's uh, it's nothin Maxie, Quill was just someone I knew long ago," was all he could say before walking past her.

She frowned and followed behind him, walking in silence for a few minutes before she decided to try and lighten the mood, "You're right about the raccoon thing, you're too handsome to be a raccoon."

Rocket froze, his face darkening, "I um, t-thanks."

She smiled, a strange thrill coursing through her veins as she caught him off guard. "Come on, we should keep moving."

Rocket slowly nodded, was she giving him hints, did she actually have a thing for him? Rocket's mind raced for what felt like hours as they walked, the possibility of someone liking him seemed so outrageous, especially when it came to a human. His mind started to wander with what-ifs, like what if she actually did like him and he decided to stay here with her? What if they settled down and started a family, oh God, what would the kids look like?!

Rocket stopped with an 'oof' as he bumped into Max's leg, she was staring off into the distance.

"Maxie, what's wrong?"

"Shh," was all she said as she held her hand in front of him, signaling him to stay.

Rocket frowned, his ears twitching as he tried to strain his ears to hear something. He was so distracted with his thoughts that he missed the laughter that ran out through the forest. He looked over Max's leg and froze, it was the hunters. Max started to back away slowly, praying to God that they wouldn't notice them. She began walking backward and Rocket didn't realize it, he yelped out in pain as she stepped onto his foot.

She jumped off and Rocket fell to the ground quickly sliding under the brush as the hunters become aware of her presence. They all turned to her, they're guns drawn, only to become less defensive when they realized it was just some girl.

"Jesus kid, don't scare us like that, could've blown your head off," the one laughed as he holstered his gun.

Max laughed nervously as the other men began to do the same, "Sorry, I didn't think anyone else would be out here."

Her body was tense, none of the hunters really worrying her expect one, the one from the grocery store.

"What're you doin out here all by yourself?" The same man from before questioned, "You huntin, hikin?"

"Uh, hiking, just thought I'd come out and get some fresh air. What uh, what're you guys doing?"

He shrugged, "Just huntin, hangin out, y'know that type of thing."

"How's that raccoon of yours?" The man from the store questioned.

The men turned to look at him and then Max, "You got a raccoon?"

"Yeah, brown one, wears a red scarf."

Fear started to seep into Max and Rocket could tell, he was starting to worry about her safety. He didn't remember seeing her pick up her gun, so it was more than likely she was defenseless. He thankfully had his but he didn't want to forever scar her for killing a group of humans in front of her, even then she could still get hurt if he did that.

"Oh, he's fine, I left him home today, didn't want him wandering off."

The men stared at her for a second, the main hunter furrowing his brow as he stared at her, "Red scarf huh?"

"Y-Yeah, he loves that thing, has always carried it around since he was just a baby."

The hunter nodded slowly, sucking his teeth as he pulled out his knife and looked at it, "Ya know kid, lots of weird shit has been happenin over the past couple of years, more strange things like space ships landing over in the Avengers base, aliens comin from holes in the sky, people turning to ash, talkin raccoons, lots of weird shit."

"Talking raccoons?" She scoffed, "I mean, aliens are one thing but talking raccoons?"

The hunters didn't seem to be amused by her jokes, "Guys gotta make a livin kid, aliens cost a fortune, if you know anythin, it'd be wise to tell us."

She frowned, "Why would I know anything? All I do is hunt, fish, and-"

"Fish?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"You wouldn't have happened to see anything while fishing, have you?" Another hunter questioned.

She sighed and rolled her eyes, "No, I haven't, now I need to be getting going-"

"You're Jack's kid, right?"

Max turned sharply to look at the man from the grocery store, she glared at him, "Yeah, so what?"

"I knew your dad, he was a good man, did whatever he could to take care of you. Even if it meant killing some innocent creatures."

Max's face started to redden, "You know nothing about my father, he was never like any of you assholes."

"You sure, why do you think your mom left?"

"Because she was a bitch," her voice became hoarse, "My family affairs aren't any of your goddamn business anyway!"

Rocket stared up at her, her face was red and tears started to prick her eyes. Rocket had enough, he pulled out his gun and shot the man in the shoulder, the forest was loud with yelling as the other hunters rushed to grab their guns while others tended to the injured man. Max picked Rocket up from the bush and started to run deeper into the trees, a few of the hunters following.

"What were you thinking, Rocket!?"

"Had to get you out somehow!"

"By fucking shooting a guy?!"

Rocket lept out of her arms and tumbled to the ground, Max stopped to stare as he stood to his feet and shook off the leaves and dirt.

"Oh, I'm sorry, next time I'll be sure to stand aside and let them fuck with you," he snarled.

They turned to look back as the men shouted, informing the others that they had Max and Rocket in their sights. Max growled and grabbed a hold of Rocket's hand and started running down the incline.

"I had it handled."

"Oh yeah,  yelling at a guy with a gun is handling it."

"It's better than just straight-up shooting the bastard!"

Suddenly the ground below them fell out beneath them and they began to tumble down a steep incline, they kept rolling for what felt like ages before Max slammed into a tree and Rocket rolled to a complete stop. He sat there paralyzed for a few minutes as he heard the men yelling, the leaves that he and Max rolled along must've covered their bodies enough for the hunters to not see them. Once the forest fell into silence and Rocket stood up and shook off the leaves.

"Fuck, Maxie, that was close," he sighed as he brushed off the rest of the leaves. He frowned when he didn't hear a response, "Maxie?"

He looked over to see her sitting up against the tree, blood slowly oozing from the side of her forehead.

"Fuck, Max, are you-"

"I'm fine," she muttered as she pulled away from him.

Fear began to rise in Rocket, he quickly began to search for her discarded backpack. When he finally found it he dug through it and pulled out the first aid kit and a bottle of water. When he returned to her and tried to put a bandage on her head she pushed him away again.

"Rocket, I said I'm fine, it's just a scratch."

"I don't care, I-"

"Rocket!" She snapped as she glared at him, "Leave me alone!"

Rocket backed away from her, taken aback from her sudden outburst.

"I just want to go home," she said, her words softened as she looked at the ground, it almost sounded like she was going to cry.

Rocket shook his head, "Fine, fine, let's just go home."

Rocket remained quiet as Max put on her backpack, she didn't even look at him when she passed by. Rocket followed her close by, his ears constantly twitching as he listened for the hunters. While he was listening he watched Max, her frame slouched and her hair constantly falling into her eyes. Rocket began to get worried as the sun started to set and their surroundings weren't looking any familiar, though he didn't want to make Max more upset by questioning her.

"Shit," he heard her whisper as she suddenly stopped and pressed her hand to her head, "We need to stop for a second."

"What's wrong?"

"The bleeding is getting worse," she mumbled as she shrugged off her backpack.

"Here, you rest, I'll get the bandage," Rocket said as he opened her backpack.

She sat down with a huff, her arms wrapping around her legs as she watched him. She looked tired and upset, her vision passing through him as she went deep into thought. Rocket approached her slowly, gently cleaning off the wound before putting the bandage on.

"You ok?" He questioned, his eyes flicking down to hers.

"Yeah, I just, I just can't stop thinking about what that asshole said."

"About your dad killing animals? I mean, you do that same thing-"

"He wasn't talking about normal animals Rocket, he was talking about you."

Rocket tensed up, "O-Oh, I uh, didn't realize that."

She shook her head, "My dad would never do that, and the shit about my mom, he has some fucking nerve bringing that up."

"He was just trying to get to you, Max," Rocket sighed, "It's hard to ignore but you have to try." She just hummed and gave a shrug, a small smile slowly forming on Rocket's face, "Bet you're glad I shot him now, aren't ya?"

She laughed, "Maybe a little."

He smiled before sitting next to her with a sigh. The sun was slowly setting, Rocket knew they should keep walking but his legs refused to let him stand. His eyes snapped to the side when he saw a small light flicker, and then another, and then another. Soon small lights started to flicker all around them, Max staring up at them as they fluttered by.

"Fireflies," she whispered, her brow furrowing, "They shouldn't be out this time of year."

"Guess the guy was right about the weird shit."

She let out an amused scoff, "Yeah, guess he was."

They both stared up into the night, watching as the fireflies slowly drift around them.

"I used to catch fireflies with my dad when I was little, we'd keep them in jars and light up the porch with them."

"Sounds like you had a lot of good times with your dad."

She smiled, "I did."

Her smile caused him to smile too, the light of the fireflies casting a soft glow onto her face. His eyes locked onto her soft skin as she looked up into the evening sky.

"What about you?" She questioned as she turned to him, "What did you use to do with your family?"

Rocket frowned, "Oh, I um, I didn't do much, Quill used to listen to a lot of music and shit. Groot liked to dance to it."

"Groot?"

Rocket grimaced at the name, actually hearing his name sent him into tears. Rocket tried to hold it back but after avoiding the heartbreak for as long as he had, he couldn't hold back anymore. He let out a sob, resting his face into his hands. Max's eyes widened as she watched him break down, she rested her hands on his back.

"Rocket, are you ok?"

"Y-Yeah, I-I," he paused to let out a cry, "Groot-Groot was, he was my best friend, and I failed him!" He sobbed as he curled into himself.

"Oh, Rocket," Max sighed as she pulled him into a tight embrace, "Rocket, you didn't let him down, you didn't let anyone down."

"No, no, I did, I-" he hiccuped, "He died and I was supposed to take care of his son, my son! And he's gone, I should've done more, I should've treated him better, I-"

"Rocket, you need to calm down, you did nothing wrong. You couldn't have stopped whatever happened in New York, no one could, we just have to move on," her own voice beginning to break, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for what you're feeling Rocket, you didn't let him down, he'd understand what happened and he'd be proud of you for taking care of his son."

Rocket cried into Max's shirt, it beginning to stain with tears and snot as he gripped onto it. In the back of his mind, he knew she was right, he knew that Groot would've been proud at how much Rocket had opened himself up to the team and to others, that he would've been proud to see him take care of baby Groot and that he would've understood why Rocket couldn't have saved him. But the pain was too much, the pain of losing everyone again was too much for Rocket, he needed this, he needed to let out the pain.

[bettsfic]

Hey so like...how do u justify romanticising a minor/adult relationship bc as a minor it kinda makes me uncomfortable. You’re an amazing writer, I just don’t quite get why you chose the age gap

before i address your question directly, and i will, i want to point out a few things that confuse me about this ask.

first, the admission of being a minor with the implication you’ve read my work, and now outright interacting with me. i’ve written maybe half a dozen g- and t-rated fics, and none of them are particularly popular, which i’m guessing means you’ve read my explicit fics, which means you’ve clicked past Ao3′s polite “18+ only” warning. my apologies if this assumption is incorrect – maybe you really have only read my three or four gen/teen-rated fics. that just seems very unlikely to me because all of my more popular fics are mature and explicit.

now, while admitting you are a minor made uncomfortable by minor/adult relationships, you have directly approached me, a 29 year old woman, to ask me why i’ve made the choices i’ve made. granted, by going on anon, you’ve ensured that this is a public forum, but if you’d PM’d me, i wouldn’t have responded, because i am not here to interact with minors.

which brings me to my conclusion of this portion of the ask, which is: i am not writing for minors and i do not want to interact with minors. i can’t control what you read or don’t read and it’s absolutely not my responsibility to cater to you in any way, especially if you knowingly and voluntarily click past the 18+ warning. but i can control my personal interactions, and i urge you not to reach out to me again. 

next i’m going to nitpick the word “romanticize” which is a word heavy in the current moral rhetoric. literally speaking, you are right. i am making an age gap romance romantic. rhetorically speaking, to “romanticize” something means to flatten or gloss over it, sweep potential consequences under the rug. to romanticize abuse, for example, is to make it beautiful, to ignore all the trauma and pain that comes along with it. (i think it is a worthy artistic endeavor to attempt to romanticize abuse in fiction, if for only the ability to highlight how fucked up abusive relationships can feel in the moment, but that’s a rant for another time).

since you haven’t read training wheels, i can tell you outright i am not romanticizing a minor/adult relationship. there are certainly unrealistic/porny moments, but i’m not shying away from the actual emotional consequences of being a 17yo* girl dating a 25yo man. i’m doing my best to depict this relationship the way these relationships are actually felt, because they do happen, and i have been in them. they can be very romantic, but that doesn’t mean i’m romanticizing them. though we’re not in his pov, bellamy is acutely aware of the greater context of their relationship. and clarke, who has no context, is doing her best to navigate the difficulty of her situation, semi-aware that it’s something that will be haunting her for a long, long time. 

i am not beautifying the ugliness of their relationship; i am not fetishizing (another word i take issue with) the minor body. being in clarke’s pov means that bellamy is object of desire, and meanwhile we get, through clarke’s thoughts, the sometimes awkward and confusing realization of what it means to be wanted, loved, used, seen, broken, trespassed, and all the other things teenage girls sometimes have to navigate. 

and i have one more thing to say before i answer your actual question: you are allowed to be uncomfortable reading fiction. in fact, i think you should be uncomfortable reading fiction. all art should make us uncomfortable, because in discomfort lies broader awareness. by consuming things which push at the boundaries of our narrow reality, we are capable of widening that reality, and that’s what it means to learn and grow and become the people we want to be. you cannot become a better, stronger, wiser person without facing and overcoming that which makes you uncomfortable. 

i also resent a bit the implication that i, a fanfic writer, a queer woman, am beholden to appeasing your comfort when straight white male writers are not. i assume you’re not sending jroth letters about how murphy’s sex slavery arc in s3 made you uncomfortable. or that the entire premise of the show revolves around putting a hundred minors in a ship and dropping them onto a potentially lethal planet. or raven, a teenager, sleeping with bellamy, an adult, in s1. and that’s not even mentioning the violence perpetuated against minors in the show. they die! and they bleed! like, a lot!! charlotte, a 12yo girl, dies a gruesome death in s1. they are minors forced to kill or be killed in exceedingly violent ways, and you’re in my inbox asking why i’m writing a fic that depicts a loving and consensual relationship between a 17yo (clarke’s canonical age in s1) and a 25yo. 

now i’ll answer your actual ask.

you use the word “justify” as if i had to do some kind of logistical puzzle to make this fic morally okay in my eyes. i can tell you now, i did not, because the story exists to navigate that logistical puzzle on its own. the conflict poses the question: is this okay? is this wrong? what about it is wrong? for what reasons is it wrong? and i also attempt (in a clunky way because it’s a bit rough, plot-wise) to navigate what “informed consent” really means to a 17yo who has no information to go off of. for me it’s an experiment in what consent really is. clarke wants bellamy, but she doesn’t have a full awareness of the consequences of that want, so is it truly consensual? what does bellamy have to do to fully inform her of those consequences? is it even his responsibility, or should clarke take more agency over her experiences? and lastly, the most interesting question of them all to me – what happens to the minors in consensual age gap relationships? how do they cope with that experience years later? in what ways does it change them?

though it’s not my responsibility to indulge my personal ties to this conflict in order to further “justify” it, i can assure you, i am writing this from clarke’s pov having been the younger party in many age gap relationships, at times a minor. at times coerced. at times completely uninformed. but each time, consensual. i sought out the men i dated. i took the lead. i propositioned them. and i consider: how has that affected me and the way i love now? 

my mom at 20, married my dad, 32. my older sister at 16, met her (now ex) husband, her then-boss, at 23 (they waited until she was 18 to start dating). i dated an 18yo and then a 19yo when i was 14. a 21yo when i was 16. a 32yo when i was 19. a 47yo when i was 22. but i also had a long-term relationship with someone who was just three months younger than me. age gap is not the only way i know how to love, but it is certainly a way to love, and one i find, in lieu of seeking it out in reality, narratively compelling. so i write about those experiences in order to better understand them now that i’m older. in order to take them apart and piece them back together. in order to, in some cases, relive them, because i enjoyed so much about them. 

i don’t pursue older men anymore because i no longer seek male validation. i don’t meet a handsome middle-aged man and need him to love me to feel like my existence in the world is warranted. but that doesn’t mitigate all the old habits and drive and potentially genetic disposition that led me to relentlessly pursuing them in the first place. so now i sublimate that into fiction and offer my experience and understanding to others who might be predisposed in the same way, or people who are not and curious about what that experience is like. and that’s what fiction does.

lastly, i’ve sort of saturated myself in age gap stories. i’ve watched every age gap movie i can get my hands on, read every book. i dive through google and ao3 looking for age gap recs, seeking out the one story or fic or movie that not only gets the relationship right, but figures out how to make it work. that’s all i want – a realistic, plausible solution to this very delicate and complicated kind of relationship. and i can’t find that story, so i’ve decided to write it myself. 

training wheels is an uncomfortable story about a romantic minor/adult relationship and the realistic psychological consequences of it, both in the immediate present and long-term, and you are supposed to be made uncomfortable by it, regardless of your age. it makes romantic but does not romanticize age gap relationships. i do not take the morality of this story lightly, nor its meaning or intentions. whether i succeed in this is up to interpretation, and i can’t control that interpretation, but i can tell you with certainty what my intentions have been going into this story, and exactly why i’ve made the decisions i’ve made regarding it. 

*the age of consent in ohio, where training wheels is set, is 16. i recognize the current rhetoric around this is “legality is not morality” or whatever, but again – the purpose of training wheels is in part to directly address this conflict

[cloudsofcollection]

My Experience with Ayahuasca

The way these few weeks orchestrated itself to align my soul with my ayahuasca ceremony was very intentional. I’m grateful that I’m able to trust my intuition to guide me to good and I’m grateful that I have the strength to follow through. Discipline takes work. It’s not that it’s difficult.. It just takes genuine work and effort. The gifts that come from that discipline make it all worthwhile and can even have you question why it took you so long to get here in the first place. But everything is as it is supposed to be. The struggle. The lessons. The choices made. Everything.

For the most part, I felt very relaxed and ready. I had been preparing for as long as I could remember and I trusted that I could handle this experience. I originally wanted to go to Peru, the sacred land where the magic started. To be in the jungle with the plants and the medicine, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. All year, I asked questions and researched how to get there. I accepted that it wasn’t time, but one day it will be. I had then crossed paths with someone who had done ayahuasca… here… in Winnipeg. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. If I can’t experience the jungle, what better way to do ayahuasca than to do it in my hometown, the city I was born in (rebirth is such a strong theme for me right now). A few months had passed. My heart was still yearning and this time the universe was taking the lead in our harmonious dance together. She guided me to this woman, Lori, who’s partner holds ceremonies in Winnipeg. Get this… she was the newest hire at my work. This allowed me to create a friendship with her, a bond that I could trust and feel safe with. It is incredible how magical this Life can be if we let it. There are so many loving and supporting energies that want you to be happy and want you to live the best Life. We’re all in this together.

Originally, the ceremony was supposed to take place a week ago, December 29. I was excited to end 2018 with a healing experience to help me recharge for the next year. I had felt ready and I anticipated it more and more with each day. The night before the ceremony, I received a message from Lori saying that the ceremony needed to be postponed for another week because her partner had caught the flu. At first, I was frustrated and upset. I allowed myself to feel those emotions and with each breath, I accepted the situation. I then realized that I have more time to cleanse, prepare, and rest. I said to myself, “I guess I have more work to do.” And I sure did. I spent my New Years alone. At 5pm on New Years eve, I packed a bag and booked a hotel room. I was going through an exhausting time because of the holidays and everything that comes with it. I felt drained in all areas and needed to refill my vessel. I had a very spiritual and intimate evening with myself. I was relearning how to love me again. As it hit midnight, I laid in a bath tub with my crystals. I aligned my chakras, did a breathing meditation to centre myself, and brought in the new year being reborn.

I woke up right before the sun started to rise. I stretched with the sun and enjoyed breakfast with my fellow crows. This will be my new ritual every year (maybe even every season). I am beyond grateful that I followed my intuition. I was broken before this. I felt like I “needed” to be with my family to celebrate or I “needed” to be out with friends partying. But deep, deep down.. that was all ego. When you can get out of your head, and into your heart, it can be so healing. This needed to happen for me because immediately after my beautiful experience, I was back in work mode. I had 4 days until the ceremony and I worked at my job all 4 days.

~ It was during this very moment that my heart had felt full. The sun was shining through me & I could feel absolute gratitude for all Life ~

Leading up to meeting the medicine, I chose to make some changes in my lifestyle (my guides also helped me with this as well). With about a week left, I took care of myself and my health. I chose carefully and intentionally what food, what feelings, and what information to process. I cut out caffeine and only drank water or herbal teas. I chose to ate mainly vegetarian dishes with the occasional fish or chicken. I ate ALOT of fruit. This alone took training and discipline. During this time, I was staying at my grandmother’s house and let me tell you… my grandmother’s cooking is my favourite cooking. She puts so much love into it, it’s always perfect. With that being said, it was really hard for me to watch my brother eat adobo, which is my absolute favourite, as I munched on a spinach and apple salad. Or how much I wanted to have a slice of Little Caesar’s pizza hours before my ceremony.

~ vanilla chia pudding with mashed bananas & blueberries ~ avocado toast with bruschetta ~ spinach salad with apples ~ quinoa with mixed veggies ~

Now that I’m on the other side, I’ve realized that those temptations and cravings are temporary. And temporary gratification is worth the lifelong gifts you can receive if you choose otherwise. My vessel was clear and pure for the medicine to be absorbed and for the healing energies to transform. I was ready. One step led to another and fast forward to January 5, at the peak of the new moon in Capricorn as well as a solar eclipse, I had journeyed with courageous and beautiful beings.

There were seven of us. The number seven is considered to be “the Seeker, the lifelong Searcher of Truth”. And that is exactly what we all came here to do, to seek our truths of our world. These people were all strangers to me, but I felt safe. I felt like we’ve walked this path with one another in a different Life. The ceremony was held in an art gallery in the heart of downtown Winnipeg. We had open space and it was perfect for the size of our group. I became comfortable in the corner close to our main guides. I laid out my crystals and stones that were also ready to walk this path with me. After brief introductions, smudging, and settling into the energy of the room, the ceremony began.

~ This was my time traveling space ship (hehe). My fucking awesome homies to the left: obsidian, selenite, amber, lapis lazuli, and a pine cone :) ~

Jeff, our ayahuasquero, blessed the medicine. I kept wanting to watch what he was doing because I was so intrigued. But that was my ego talking. My spirit was telling me to “centre in and stay grounded because it doesn’t matter what he looks like, what matters is where you are about to go”. I was the first one to receive the medicine. My female companion, Lori, came to me with a gentle smile and with a whisper, passed me a small wooden cup and said, “cheers”. With gratitude, I drank the ayahuasca very slowly, wanting to feel every bit of it move through my body. I closed inwards and gave thanks. As I sat still, I moved my awareness to my body, needing to stretch and move the energy through me. I repeated to myself, “I will heal. I will grow. I will let go. I will heal. I will grow. I will let go”. It was time for me to lay down. The lights turned off and it didn’t take long for me to feel the magic. At first, a red light dawned over me. I opened my eyes to see where it was coming from, but there was no red light anywhere. I only could see it with my eyes closed. This resonated with my root chakra and gave me the gift of grounding. My spirit was preparing me for my journey. I then saw a tiny eyeball blink at me and it scared me. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. This was going to be some crazy shit.

I closed my eyes and then I saw a key hole. It was inviting me in and I trusted it and kept going. Mama Aya appeared. She carried this essence of an ancient wise grandmother. Her face was a carving on a large tree trunk. Her roots extended out to me, comforting me, telling me that she was here to help me. Jeff began to sing. The timing was perfect because the medicine had finally settled and I was somewhere else. The frequency of his voice was creating images and colours within my mind. Everything was very bright and electric. “This is a lot. This is intense,” I said to myself. Fear began to rise. I wanted to go home and be in my bed. I wanted to be in a familiar place. Everything I was experiencing was new and different and it was a lot for me to process. In my head, I was trying to figure out what to do next. I would try to enjoy the intense high I was feeling, but it felt like system overload. I called over to Lori to comfort me. I looked up at her, and she came to me as a bird. I told her I wanted it to stop because it was a lot. I felt her touch and she continued to comfort me. She looked down on me, and whispered, “it’s okay Mel. It’s the medicine. Everything will be okay.” It took me awhile to release resistance. I felt cold, I just wanted to be warm, I wanted water but couldn’t figure out how to grab it. There was a moment where I knew I was going to throw up, but couldn’t get up. I accepted that I was going to throw up on myself and call it a night. This was it. This was my experience. I whispered out loud, “I need help. Can someone pass me my water bottle? Where is my bucket?” But a voice came to me and said, “you can have whatever you want, but it’s you that needs to do it. No one else can do it for you.” So I sat up and opened my eyes. Thank God. I took a few deep breaths and observed my surroundings. The art gallery was no longer a gallery. But a blur of energy floating through the air. Every direction was a different realm. I came back to contact with my physical body. “Where is my wrist? Yes.. there it is. Grab the hair tie, Mel. Put your hair up. Drink some water. Where are my glasses? I got this. I got this. I have control. Shake it off. Try to throw up. It’s okay, just get it over with.” I couldn’t throw up even after hunching over my bucket with my finger in my mouth. I talked to myself, ALOT. (I mean, I talk to myself alot as it is so it makes sense that it was necessary for my experience. Lol) I laid back down and snuggled in my blanket. Intuitively, I went in the fetal position. Jeff and Lori were going back and forth in song. It was so beautiful. The song was coming from their heart and it helped carry me through my fear. Their song also moved the plant medicine within me. Everything was working together in every moment. I never felt so connected. I then felt like I was being packed into a cocoon. Spirit animals surrounded me in a circle to protect me. I could feel their physical touch pat me as if I was a baby. Waves of energy were pouring into me. My demons were nearby, but my spirit animals were warding them away. But I couldn’t have them do all the work themselves. It was my turn. I began to release resistance. I opened up from my cocoon and spread my body out. In that very moment, my heart opened and I was blessed with so much love. Ethereal beings showed me their world and it was so bright. It felt like they were each taking turns feeding me and nourishing me with love and light. They cleansed my body and had me in a bubble of unconditional love. I saw codes and symbols but I couldn’t understand it at the time. “What is happening? What does this mean? How do I integrate this information?" System fucking overload. My galactic family was showing me light language. Matter did not exist here. There was nothing physical to this experience. I had to touch my face and body just to make sure it was still there. I felt detached from my body. I felt like my mind was floating through consciousness and all it has to offer. Everything worked in frames and layers, pulsing back and forth. Now I wonder what would have happened if I stepped into each frame. Everything was detached, yet all connected. 

~ This is the best image I could use to describe the pulsating frames & layers. Holy fuck, I was inside bismuth ~

Then Mateo started to play his didgeridoo. I was in awe the whole time with what I was experiencing. I couldn’t help but say out loud, “this is so beautiful. How is this happening? How are you doing that?” There were moments when Lori and Jeff greeted me in my corner. They had me sit up as the blessed me and placed mama beads around my wrists. Jeff had blown tobacco smoke around me to cleanse my energy. They both worked so well together. Their intuition, guidance, and all-loving energy made the ceremony perfect. I was in admiration by what the medicine and sound can do together to any experience. It was very spiritual and deep and our energies were all working together collectively. There was a moment when I had felt that everyone was hovering over me. Watching me and protecting me. Their spirits came through and journeyed into my world for a moment. I couldn’t believe all the beauty and love I was witnessing within. I now finally understand how our universe is holographic because I was in the matrix. I traveled through space and time and I am so grateful that I was filled with the most loving energies.

Leading up to the ceremony, my angels were sending me messages of support. They do this by showing me angel numbers (one number repeating itself 3 times, for example: 222, 444, 555). On the day of the ceremony, I didn’t feel or see any messages. But I knew that was because I needed to do this one on my own and I needed to trust that they are always with me and sure enough, they were.

~ When trying to use words to describe my experience, I was blank at first. I came across this photo and this is very close. This is where my galactic family greeted me and showered me with love~

I was finally coming back to Life. The medicine was still within me, but my travels were coming to an end. I was coming back to my physical body and needed to reground. I felt a wave of excitement and happiness. Everyone was very pleased with their journey. We began to share stories and exchange wisdom with one another. It was hard for me to process everything at the time. My body was back on Earth, but my mind was still running around the universe. As I sat up, I enjoyed the aura of our space. Everyone was happy. Everyone was working through their blockages. People had break downs. People had break throughs. We supported each other and it was perfect. We sang songs and gave hugs. As we let light into the gallery, the reflection shined through the window. A beam of light stretched across the room and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It was the most perfect way to close my ceremony. It’s so beautiful to see how the medicine works. It doesn’t work for you, it works with you. There is a relationship between the medicine and the human being. The medicine is there to show you what you are willing to see. The human being is there to receive the gifts and share it with the world. I learned a lot about my flight or fight tendencies. I initially craved for warmth and something familiar because the unknown scared me. But man oh man… the moment I let go and released resistance, the unknown was the most sacred and most wonderful world I could dream of. It was hard for me to fall asleep because my ego was coming back & I started to judge myself. I was telling myself I was acting obnoxious or I was talking too much, and as I was doing this to myself, I could feel my heart hurting. My rose quartz necklace even broke from tossing and turning so much. And rose quartz helps with the heart and unconditional love. So I placed my hand on my heart and told myself to be gentle. Focus on the good, because there was so much to be gained. I also now see my potential as a human being. There is this world that I can tap into to gain wisdom and to recharge my vessel. I woke up the following morning feeling awake inside and energized, but my body needed to rest. I needed a full day in my pajamas, my grandmother’s cooking, and the opportunity to share the love I gained. The best gift I gained from my experience is feeling secured. I feel secure in my body and in my skin. My eczema is healing. I’m letting my hair down. I’m comfortable with who I am and I have so much love to give. Now all I can do is spread my light and inspire others to ignite their own.

There is so much to our world outside our four walls. We are conditioned to live in fear, but once we move from that, we possess so much magic within. Our Creator gave us the tools to succeed, but we must come back to our natural selves. Love, light, and nature are our best healers. They are here for us and are wanting to shower us with many gifts. You don’t have to see it to believe. You first have to believe, then you will see.

I will work with plant medicine again, but in moderation. This experience was very intense and a lot for me to process. But I survived. I didn’t throw up, and I didn’t shit myself so that’s always a win. Haha!

Wherever you are, I am sending you so much love. I encourage you to challenge your beliefs and explore the corners of your mind, and push through your inner fears. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Love and light to you and yours,

Mel

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight: @quellthefire​

Every week we interview a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

I’m a 26 year old queer woman who probably obsesses over fandoms more than is healthy. I went to school to study bones and infectious diseases, but ended up working as a barista and really love it most days. At some point I hope to go to mortuary school. I’m hopelessly obsessed with Marvel as well, and have been writing a lot of Steve/Tony fic lately, in addition to my usual Queliot.

How long have you been writing for?

I started writing fanfic about 12 years ago, but only recently got back into it after a years-long hiatus.

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

I was so captivated by the friendship and sexual relationship between Quentin and Eliot in Season 1. At the time I never imagined the writers would develop it to the extent they have, so writing fanfic seemed like the only way to explore that relationship in the way I wanted to.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

I absolutely love writing Eliot. He’s my go-to point of view. There’s such an opportunity to explore feelings of lust and inadequacy, and I love writing about Eliot being awed that Quentin wants him. I also love writing banter between El and Margo. It gives me a chance to be snarky and crude and write lines of dialogue that make me laugh. And recently, I’ve been trying to challenge myself to write from Quentin’s perspective more, because I really love his awkward/excited stream of consciousness style of talking.

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

I tend to veer towards a non-defined point in the middle of season 1. I absolutely love writers who dig deep into show plot points, but I always end up writing scenes where the point in time doesn’t matter nearly as much as the conversation and emotions that are happening.

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

I actually don’t have any Magicians stories in progress at the moment, because I need to fulfill some obligations for fic challenges in the Marvel fandom, but I’ve got some ideas for exploring post 4x05 Queliot. Much of my writing has had an angsty bent to it, so it’s been fun thinking about fluffier concepts.

How long is your “to do list”?

Ehh let’s not think too hard about that. It’s kinda daunting, but I’m slowly working my way through it. I tend to be very spontaneous in my writing method, and I’m trying to challenge myself to write things that are longer than a single evening’s worth of work.

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

“Feelings are for Pussies and the Aesthetically Challenged” is probably my favorite right now, and also has had the biggest response from readers. It was originally intended as a one-shot, but basically every comment asked me to keep going, and that was such a cool experience to get ideas from readers and use them as inspiration to write two more chapters. I’m really proud of how many people seemed to enjoy it.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

“Eliot and the Art of Sharing” for sure. It’s one of the first Magicians fics I ever wrote, and it’s kind of an odd one, but it holds a special place in my heart because it’s when I started developing the way I write Eliot and Margo’s friendship.

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

I tend to be very in the moment. I’ll get an idea and sit down on my couch or in bed to write for a couple hours, which can be quite difficult since I use my phone. I’m bad about writing at night before an opening shift. I’ve spent a lot of late nights I should be sleeping working on a story in the hopes of getting it posted. Waking up at 5 am for work sucks the next morning, but it seems to be how I write my best stuff.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I joined the fandom in November of 2018, so I don’t have a lot of experience with the show airing, but I definitely wrote more on hiatus. A lot of my work exists outside of current canon, so I think the emotional aspect of whatever is currently happening with each new episode affects my writing much more than the actual plot.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

I struggled to complete “Dancing on My Own” partly because it was such an introspective look at Eliot’s inner thoughts. I found myself channeling a lot of my own anxieties and intrusive thoughts, and that was difficult to write, but I think it really paid off to take a step back from writing it to give myself space to decide what I was comfortable with sharing about my own mental health struggles. I’m so proud of how it turned out.

Are there any themes or tropes that you like particularly like to explore in your writing?

I’m a slut for writing any fic where the two people in the ship are pining for each other, but are too scared to make a move. Add in the cast of background characters who start to realize what’s happening, and that’s my jam.

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Fanfiction-wise, @ohmarqueliot, @sadlittlenerdking, and @adjovi are the people whose writing I first fell in love with in this fandom, and I keep coming back to their work. Outside of fanfiction, I’ve learned a lot through playing Dungeons and Dragons with a group of friends about character and world-building, and while it’s not traditional writing, there’s such a collaborative storytelling aspect to it that has massively influenced how I approach things.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Right now I’m reading a lot of post 4x05 Queliot fic, (especially anything fluffy or smutty), as well as a lot of Steve/Tony MCU smut.

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

I saw Neil Gaiman give a lecture a few months back, and he told the audience that when he’s struggling to write that he makes himself sit at his computer and he tells himself he can either write or do nothing, but those are his only options. He said that usually he’ll get bored of staring at the wall pretty quickly, and start writing to save himself from the tedium of nothingness. As silly as it might sound, it totally works for me. It’s like a little hack for my brain that overrides the anxiety of starting a new story.

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

I definitely describe characters blushing far too much, and find myself using the same phrases a couple paragraphs in a row in most stories. Reading outloud as I edit helps a lot with that.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

The one that immediately comes to mind was based off of Tamora Pierce’s “Protector of the Small” series. As a middle/high schooler I really loved her books and identified most with Keladry, the protagonist of that series. It was a post-series fixit fic resolving all the stuff I wish had happened. I tried finding it a couple years ago but couldn’t. I also wrote a lot of awful James/Lily Harry Potter fic back in the day, so that was probably the first stuff I ever wrote.

Self-edit or Beta?

Self-edit. I’m far too impatient to not post stuff the same night, and I get very stressed about other people editing my work. I’d like to eventually be able to handle having a beta, but I’m not sure if it’ll happen.

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes?

Yes please! I’m definitely the kind of person who closely monitors that stuff, as much as I hate to admit it. Comments are my favorite though. I absolutely love hearing from people who’ve read my work

Smut, Fluff or Angst?

I mostly read smut, write angst, and fluff is the sweet spot in that venn diagram.

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn?

I’m impatient and usually go for Quick & Dirty, both in my writing and reading preferences, but I’ve been getting more into the delicious tension that is Slow Burns.

Favourite season?

Season two

Favourite Episode?

This is probably super cliche, but either 3x05 or 4x05.

Favourite book?

The Magician King

Three favourite words?

What the fuck

Want to be interviewed for our author spotlight? Get in touch here.

[coolishnerdbeans]

Existential Dread is Ruining My Carpet

“’Just tell me why; why the fucking why?’ To which the universe would hollowly respond, ‘My ways cannot be known, oh man.’ Which is to say, ‘My ways do not make sense, nor do the ways of those who dwell in me.’” 

A quote from Philip K. Dick’s 1981 novel Valis captures the anger, confusion, and exhaustion that countless people have yearned to yell at God or some creator since the beginning of human consciousness. One could go into the religious aspects of the meaning of life, or perhaps turn towards science. In the end, what we accept, as humans, is what comforts us most.

I know in most scholarly essays the writer is discouraged from using personal pronouns. But this prompt is a rather personal question, so I’ll share my individual thoughts. There’s nothing groundbreaking to say here- it’s all a bunch of bullshit. But it’s our bullshit. I was raised without religion and somehow passed high school biology, so my attempts in solving the age-old question “what is the meaning of it all?” usually result in my lying face down in the hallway leading to my bedroom, staring blankly while drooling into the carpet. It’s mind-numbing and soul-rocking in the absolute worst way.

When I asked family what they made of this final prompt, they came in hot with a multitude of horse shit. My mom said her meaning was me and my siblings, which I genuinely thought was very sweet. I let that sentiment simmer for a while before I realized she probably just said it to gratify me so she could go back to watching Survivor. Maybe she really means it, and I’d like to believe she does. My sister suffers from severe anxiety and depression, so asking her, in hindsight, probably wasn’t the best idea. She looked me in the eyes and deadpanned:  “Nothing.” I immediately wanted to protest and give her a sense of hope, but without a solid answer myself, what was I to say? That’s when the realization hit me- we collectively just say whatever sounds the best because none of us really know.

Not knowing is the scariest part. Being a bunch of worthless meatbags hurtling on a space rock towards nothing in particular is not much of a comfort. Telling those cold facts to the innocent face of your 4-year-old cousin isn’t going to help them sleep at night, and your aunt is going to end up mad at you. So what is the answer?

Ultimately, no one knows, and no one should even care. This is surely not a conclusion you haven’t heard before. Now, if I were to hit you with the revelation that I consulted God Himself about this paper, then you’d have something new and refreshing, to say the least. But I didn’t. And I wouldn’t speak with God if I could (and if He exists) because that sounds horrific. What if He did tell me? What if He told us all why are here? What would we do then? Would we stop our wars and be the brothers and sisters like the hippies tell us to be? Would governments fall and crime drop and people share resources? Even if we did have a definitive answer, it’d take much more than “because [ ]” to get us to all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya”. Of course, that is the world most of us want. But an answer would not give comfort, but cause chaos. So we stick to religion to give a meaning to everything. “Because He loves you!” “Because this is all a test!” provide us the security we need for roughly 75 years so we don’t collectively lose our minds. As depressingly entertaining as a completely nihilistic society would be, we couldn’t manage the unrest.

My personal conclusion comes from the wise words of Hannah Montana: “life’s what you make it, so let’s make it rock.” We don’t know anything. We are so vastly insignificant it’s actually hilarious. But to tell your loved ones they are meaningless is, frankly, not very nice. So we rely on love to get us through. We stick to each other. We’re all on the same sinking ship, and once we realize this, the worry of this ultimate question dissipates. We aren’t here for a reason, so we just have to make our own. It can be complex- some people are here to change the world through humanitarian efforts or advancements in technology. I’m here to paint. I’m here to teach people the joy of art and the peace it can bring. I’m here to give my best and I’m here to love. My sister is here for her own reasons, and maybe she hasn’t figured them out yet. Maybe she never will. Not everyone will have that luxury. But making up my own sense of purpose before the age of 20 sounds pretty badass to me. I’m here, I don’t know why. But if I keep lying face down drooling in my hallway full of existential terror, I’m going to ruin my carpet. So slowly, I’m taking the steps toward not giving a damn. And it’s those small victories of singing carelessly at a red light while the driver next to me stares that make this little life worth it.

[seobangchan-blog]

09 - Black Ink and Cornflower Fields

Not your average tattoo artist x florist AU

Part 09 of 10

Parts: 01 - 02 - 03 - 04 - 05 - 06 - 07 - 08 - 09

Ship: Renmin

Chapter genre: angst

Word count: 2,460k

Chapter Warnings: mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide

“Do you know what flowers these are?”

                                                                                “Uh, blue ones?”

“I’ve done it now, Mark. I’ve fucking done it.”

“Wait, what? It’s way too early for this shit. What have you done?”

Mark didn’t understand what was going on. He was drowsy and confused. He sat up in his bed to get more awake. The other side of the line was filled with sobs and cries.

“Jaemin. Jaemin! Calm down okay. Where are you? What’s happening?” Mark grew worried.

“I’m— I’m in the woods by the cornflower fields right now. You know, the place with the old swing.” Jaemin managed to choke out.

“Wha— Why are you there?”

“I don’t know. I just ran here. I didn’t know where to go, I still don’t know where to go.” Jaemin controlled his sobs to some degree but tears were still falling.

“Okay. I’ll come to you. Stay put.” Mark stood up and searched his messy room for some usable clothes.

“Fine.” Jaemin agreed and the line went dead.

Jaemin looked down through clouded eyes and toyed with the two heavy, black rings in the palm of his hand. He sighed. He felt so pathetic. Why did he think promise rings was a smart idea? If he knew Renjun well enough, he would’ve known that he wouldn’t agree to such a childish thing. Maybe that’s the thing? He’s rushing and scaring him away. Ruining it for the both of them. He regretted it all. He regretted even making a move and growing close with Renjun at all. He should just break it off, that’d be the best.

He was too occupied by his negative mind to notice that Mark showed up after a while.

“Wow. You look like zombie that got hit by truck.”

Jaemin’s head shot up, startled by the voice without noticing Mark had arrived. “Thanks, I know.”

“The rings, huh? You still have both I see and you’re a mess. What the hell happened between you two?” Mark leaned against the tree that the swing hung from. Worry visible in his tone and actions.

Jaemin inhaled and exhaled in a deep sigh. “Short version or long version?”

“Well, short with details?” Mark shrugged.

“Uhm, okay.” Jaemin shifted his pose and faced Mark.

“It started with me showing him the rings and he just stood up and backed away. Then he got real angry and loud, it was scary. I’ve never seen him like that and by the looks of it, it didn’t look like he was very used to being that angry either. He threw me out the apartment and I heard him start crying before I just ran out here really.” Jaemin told the story carefully, it hurt to think back at what happened. It was such a little thing yet they made it so destructive.

Mark listened, trying to grasp the situation to find a way to help the two. He didn’t know much but he did know that he had never seen Jaemin that in love before, it was all in the little things but oh, everyone noticed. Mark and Donghyuck especially, noticed it in what they were talking about, it was often the other but still they managed to be very secretive. They could feel it in their chemistry when they were all hanging out. It created a whole aura around them, full of warmth and comfort.

After a few moments of silence, Mark had a reply “From what I see, I think Renjun has dealt with a lot probably? He did move here without his family, there can be a reason for that. He can have internal battles with himself too, that we don’t see. So maybe, he was just stressed about you stealing. His brain seeing it as an excuse to blow over you know, explode. My question though, why are you pressing the rings so much? If you really love the fucker you wouldn’t need rings, would you? It’s not like you’re getting married. Even if it was, the rings themselves shouldn’t be what carries the love.”

Jaemin sat still, processing the advice for a while. “Look at you, wise guy, but you’re right. I agree that ‘the rings don’t carry the love’ or whatever cringe thing you said but at the same time, I want them you know. Promise rings. I won’t tell you the specific reason for Renjun’s because they’re very personal, but mine is that I’ll promise to help him through everything, be there for him through thick and thin, try to learn and understand so I can love him fully without hurting him. Even though that’s what I just did—” Jaemin’s mind sped through all that happened again, for the umpteenth time that morning.

He regretted it all. He made a big mistake. He remembered. “Shit. Mark, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.  Fuck!” His breath quickened and he stood up, pacing around.

“What? What?” Mark grabbed his shoulders to hold him still.

“Renjun. He’s— He’s struggling. His mind is negative and scary. He said he wanted to and tried to kill himself in the past. He said he was fine, but he relapsed and self-harmed even after he moved here. I- I could have triggered something. You never know what he thinks. I’m so worried. What if he kills himself? What if he kills himself because of me? That means I killed him. Oh my god.”  Jaemin sat back down and tried to control his breath, his mind clouding with nothing but bad outcomes.

“Ok. Breathe. Jaemin, breathe. I know that can be scary but he won’t kill himself because of that. Sure, you had a big fight but it was over a small thing. That can’t be THAT triggering, can it? I mean, I don’t know ‘cause I’ve never dealt with depression or such thoughts. Just give him some space. I think that’s what the both of you need right now. I’ll call Donghyuck to make him check up on Renjun later, okay? It’ll all be okay. Calm down.” Mark hurried his talk as he noticed Jaemin’s eyes watering again. He walked over to him and wrapped him in a tight hug which was returned by strong, desperate fingers gripping around his back.

“I’m scared to give him space. I want to protect and help him you know? But you have a point.” Jaemin dried his tears when he was sure they had finally stopped, this time at least.

 --

 Renjun let out a groan of pain as he woke up, his body stiff from sleeping on the floor. His face was dry from tears, reminding him of the events that took place the day before. He expected the pain in his heart and head to hit him just as hard as it had yesterday but nothing came. He laid still on the floor as he felt heavy. He didn’t really feel much but the little he did, was emptiness. He should be used to it as he had no one to be close to before he moved here, he just returned to the old days. Yet, Renjun was in pain and it was no one’s but his own fault. For letting his anger take over, control him and ruin everything that he had built up.

Renjun needed to distract himself from his mind, he was sad but he did not want to return to the state he was before moving here. He tried to put on music but the music that played, brought back memories. ‘Kiss from a rose’ came on and he screamed as he unplugged the entire stereo, shutting it all up. He felt exhausted, even though he hadn’t done anything. His stomach rumbled throughout the day but he didn’t bother finding food, there was no need. He went to bed and slept for longer than usual. The second day he tried to get back into art after a while, he used to draw his sadness, depression, anger to cope with it, nothing helped. It only made him realize how untalented he was and he just wanted to burn everything he had ever created and every tool he had to create with. He felt the familiar feeling of being worthless.

He realized he had work in a couple hours and decided to skip sleep, he watched a movie before throwing on his uniform and heading out. Not bothering to check how he looked, not bothering to put on his beloved denim jacket.

He arrived at the warehouse and gave half-hearted smiles to the colleagues he passed. Donghyuck was already in their section, leaned over a paper, nibbling on a pen in his mouth as he tried to sort all the new deliveries. He heard Renjun’s stepped and jumped to greet him. He quickly noticed the shift in his aura and stopped himself.

“Don’t.” Renjun spat before Donghyuck got time to even think of a comment.

Donghyuck being his curious but caring self wouldn’t stop asking about what had happened. Sprinkling in reasons for Renjun to tell him into everything he did. Renjun grew annoyed and eventually told him a straight forward summary.

“I assume you know about the rings.” Donghyuck nodded to Renjun’s start and nodded again to make him go on. “Yeah, I didn’t accept them. Instead I snapped in anger I didn’t know I was capable of—” Renjun paused his explanation, attempting to hold back the threatening tears but failing, so he continued. “I regret it. I scared him away. I fucking hate myself for it.”

“Can’t you two just meet up and talk it out? The problem itself isn’t that big, just the rings. Your reactions are the fucking source of this hellfire.” Donghyuck commented, not being very good at advice or understanding the situation fully.

Renjun froze at the thought. How Renjun longed for Jaemin’s touch, his presence, just seeing him. Talking to him, loving him and hugging him. He knew he loved him, more than he had ever loved anyone or ever will. His stubborn self was in denial, he fucked up so he needed to punish himself for it.

“No.”

“And why the hell not?”

“Because that’s just stupid.” For a lack of better words and reason, Renjun mentally facepalmed at his own sentence.

“Okay then. Help me here, will you?” Donghyuck shrugged off the entire topic and went back to work before their stern boss noticed anything. They had been caught playing around a few times already and their boss did not like it.

For Renjun, the day passed so slow. Monday’s are always slow but this one was horrible. He just wanted to go home and be alone, consume himself in his own miserableness.

“Any plans for today?” Renjun attempted small talk with Donghyuck as they were closing up for the day.

“Just going out with Mark, you?”

Renjun hadn’t thought about needing to answer his own question.

“Uh, I guess I’ll just hang myself or something.” He mumbled without thought.

Donghyuck chuckled before leaving.

 --

 Donghyuck met up with Mark at the diner later in the evening. They had a meal and were on desserts. “Uh, Donghyuck. Was Renjun at work today?” Mark felt bad for forgetting to ask Donghhyuck to check up on Renjun two days ago. No one had heard from the boy since, except, hopefully Donghyuck.

“Yeah, he was. He was a bit strange though. He looked dead and he had no energy. Like he was both sleep deprived and hadn’t eaten in way too long.” Donghyuck reflected as he thought back.

“Shit. Did he say anything? Tell you what happened?” Mark questioned.

“Yeah, briefly. I feel bad for him. He blames everything on himself. I mean, it kind off is his fault for snapping like that but come on?”

“Yeah, no. I think it was both their fault. Jaemin could have stopped pressing the rings on him earlier too, you know.” Mark munched on a scoop of ice cream.

Donghyuck nodded in agreement, “You right. You right.”

“Did he say anything? Anything, suspicious?”

Donghyuck shook his head. “Not that I remember. Only ‘I fucking hate myself.’ I think.”

“Okay.” Mark nodded and moved on from the topic, it wasn’t really their business but it was affecting them and their closest friends so they felt the need to talk about it. To help the lost boys.

The boys finished eating and payed for themselves and continued their unannounced date. They decided to go to the arcade for a lack of better ideas. They competed in games and won plushies for each other until closing time. They held hands as they walked home. Mark leaned in for a peck on Donghyuck’s cheek but Donghyuck turned his head quickly so it landed right on the lips.

“You idiot.” Mark chuckled but returned it with a deeper kiss.

They parted ways and were both in bed at two in the morning. Donghyuck had closed his eyes, ready for sleep when he remembered.

“Holy fuck.” He whispered to himself and rushed up. He scrambled his floor for his phone that he had forgotten in the pocket of his pants.

He found it and dialed Mark’s number, calling it.

“What?” A drowsy tone in Mark’s voice as he picked up.

“I remembered something from earlier. Something that Renjun said.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. When we were leaving he asked me what I was doing and I said, meeting you. So of course, since I’m a decent human being I returned the question.” He spoke in a breathy tone, speaking fast to get everything out in one breath.

“And? What did he say?”

“ ‘I guess I’ll just hang myself or something.’”

Mark gasped, he sat up in his bed.

“Are you fucking serious? And you remember that NOW?”

“Sorry?” Donghyuck felt bad, he didn’t realize it was that big of a deal. He didn’t find it suspicious until he was mindlessly thinking about it before sleeping.

“I need to call Jaemin. Bye.”

“By-.”  The line went dead.

Mark paced around his room, waiting for Jaemin to pick up. After a second call and three rings, he did.

“Jaemin! Fucking shit you need to call Renjun, like right now. And if he doesn’t pick up, you head right to his place. Text me if he doesn’t pick up.”

“Wha— What? Why now? At 2.30?” Jaemin had been sleeping, it was clear in the rasp of his tone.

“Because today, at work, Donghyuck asked Renjun what he was doing later today and Renjun answered ‘Hang myself or something’, Lord knows what the fuck he could be doing or has done.”

Jaemin froze. His worst fear. He threw his phone on his bed and rushed out the house, ignoring if he made noise and woke up his mother and family. He ran as fast as he could to Renjun’s apartment.

[pearwaldorf]

My doves, it has come to my attention that there are some bits of fandom that apparently frown upon whump or hurt/comfort? idk if it’s somebody being overly nervous about revealing things, or if it is an actual thing people are discouraged from liking, but it is baffling to me. Hurt/comfort and/or whump is a time-honored fandom tradition! There were whole archives devoted to being mean to characters, in some cases helpfully sorted by type and specific form of hurt.

This is the problem with some types of people encouraging only morally uncomplicated free-range organic narratives. It's certainly wholesome but not always fun. They're not real people! You can't actually hurt them! Do whatever you want to them! (Caveat: you can hurt real people with treatment of fictional characters. That is a related but different discussion.)

In the wise words of Lin-Manuel Miranda:

I find that, for me, the work is a safe place to put all the stuff you don't want to put in your real life. I don't want to be a crazy, manic asshole. I don't want to have an affair. I don't want to have a fucking gunfight. But! There's a part of your brain that wants to experience everything, and so work's a safe place to explore it all. Both in the writing and in the performing. I get to write about an affair. I get to have the guilt and the feeling of that without having to fuck my life up. [laughs] 

Art is the place to safely explore all those other sides of you, because the side you want to bring home is the side that wants to be a good father and be a good husband and be a good son. In art we can be fucking nuts.

I adamantly reject the notion that encouraging or shipping the thing means you condone it IRL. It’s ludicrous. Would you say that, for example, Lin supports adultery because he wrote about it in Hamilton? Did Nabokov support pedophilia by writing Lolita? There’s more about this in my purity wank tag if you’re really interested, but it is a ridiculous and stupid assertion and people who believe it are ridiculous and stupid. 

So please feel free to fictionally torture your faves, and have the other members of the ship patch them back up, or not. It doesn’t make you a better or worse person for doing so, regardless of what some purity wanker says. Just tag appropriately and you’re good to go.