#it's like my only symptom apart from the unspeakable exhaustion

[scribefindegil]

the curse makes my feet so COLD!

[neureaux]

today is very relaxed; i’m feeling a little bit pensive so i’m laying down with the humidifier on, the orchid blossom oil that tanya gave me is really lovely!

it seems to cling to the furniture which i like, because it’s a really sweet, contagious scent and i think that generally i have him on my mind a lot today. so, i’m focusing on my senses, the small pleasures that warm my heart in the moment and it works well for me! i’m about to go and finish up some carrot and coriander soup and i’m excited, i love coriander!! i’m still pretty determined about keeping my headspace cleaner and really putting the effort to engage with myself, correct negativity and practise self awareness and self reflection, especially during times where i’m not doing much at the moment such as this weekend.

i’ve been using a really great mood-tracking service i was recommended, and it’s been really, really great for staying on top of things! it has a really in-depth way to record feelings and reflect on them, and it has integrated guided mindfulness and meditation facilities, and it helps to identify the ‘why’ of things, and when you feel up to it you can use the tools to identify harmful thinking and identify thinking traps, and every time i go through the exercise and identify the thinking traps in what i said the problem was and even how i’m looking at the problem at the time, i can actually make sense of it and change my approach! so that’s really great between therapy sessions and in the meantime besides that, i have a really detailed map of my emotional well-being, what bothers me and where there are spikes and dips as i go on. i feel really good about engaging with my mental health journey and committing to understanding my emotions and triggers better, instead of it being a vague, rough idea and leaving it as the chaotic minefield it sometimes feels like, in terms of having PTSD.

even though i’m feeling pensive today, it’s not a negative feeling! i feel like an active participant in my recovery and it makes me feel good to utilise tools to both heal AND understand. doing both makes the gradual healing process feel more permanent, because it doesn’t feel random or like a hopeful shot in the dark, i actually know how i got to each place and i made a map. there’s comfort in that kind of security, too.

of course i still have a lot of stuff that i’m struggling with, and i’m fighting to work through my feelings on things/really coming out of crisis but i feel excited to do the work, y’know? i’ve done this before, but never this thoroughly. i’ve only ever done this minimally to survive, to try to function as much as i could whilst still attempting to be ‘normal’ and juggle a thousand responsibilities and take on others’ emotional wellbeing too, others’ problems. i was misdiagnosed for a long time, and then it took some time for me to really understand what was even going on, what trauma of that calibre really meant, what it meant for me and how badly it had really affected me - it took some time to understand what i needed to fix within myself to move forwards. when i first escaped i didn’t have the knowledge to know how to help myself, or what i needed and then once i did, i never had the time to really dedicate to myself whilst trying to have a functioning adult life, i focused on personal world-building—because i was actually an anomaly, i literally didn’t have one—figuring out school, my job, building my apartment & learning how to create a home, figuring out my relationship with my partner and where i stood, as well as my relationships with everyone else, how to connect, how to exist, how to be a person. i hadn’t learned any of that, i so badly wanted the foundation, i just knew i needed to feel like a person and i just didn’t. so until my rediagnosis and even for a while after that, i was preoccupied. that was only a couple of years ago. i haven’t grabbed the problem, the trauma, my emotional wellbeing, with both hands like this before.

seeing the trauma therapist was my first step to understanding(and i was already in my 20’s by then), but it was really, really unbelievably expensive so i was working with what i could, seeing her infrequently - or simply, not frequently enough for what i have been through but i knew i needed more. over time, i have at least learned what i needed to do. now, i’ve put a multitude of provisions in place and i feel excited to learn, a lot of intensive treatments and exercises in self-care that isn’t aimless, like scheduled self-care after big trauma sessions, or after EDMR or increasing a self-care activity or class during exposure therapy blocks for example, like pairing yoga/massages/meditation with each appointment, and with a lot of them, and i won’t actually need this much stuff in place forever. i actually know that for a fact, lots of this stuff is in 20-40 week blocks etc, with only the specialist trauma specific things and a few select bits that are in my treatment plan to retain indefinitely after they finish and that’s perfect. i need to start from the ground up with intensity, and once i have focused on really getting to the meat of this, finally learning the tools i need and actually working on things like my self-worth, coping with a high danger response and blunting the edges of the trauma, instead of running so feverently from it at all times and exhausting myself, i can use everything else i’ve learned about survival and foundations in the practical sense, pair it with my maintenance and actually just start building my life and living it, and managing my PTSD, not hiding from it, not being pushed around and dictated to by it, not being smaller than it. i’m not expecting miracles, i’m not delusional but i’ve done enough that i can already see survival now, i know what my workload is. i can be a person, working in medicine, pursuing happiness, fulfillment and small pleasures that also has PTSD, instead of a PTSD sufferer desperately trying to survive every day and trying vehemently (and exhaustingly)to appear to be fine/functioning & to be ‘palatable’, constantly overstimulated, agitated and distressed with gaping, festering wounds. i’ve seen it, just for a moment or two i’ve seen healthy me and i like her. that’s enough for me. so, i’m so elated that i was patient, and didn’t just say, ‘this is pointless nothing will ever change’ and just accept that when faced with all the obstacles and misunderstanding, i didn’t listen to my worldview and forced myself to put myself on waiting lists that were two years long knowing that i needed help right then, feeling overwhelmed, helpless and alone but did it anyway. i made the calls, i went to countless appointments that i didn’t want to, dredging up my trauma to strangers over, and over, and over, had to outline my humiliation in letters and fill out countless questionnaires that quantified all of the unspeakable horrors of my past into neat little boxes and text boxes that were too small. i let select people tell me that i was doing nothing towards my mental health and i let them shit on me, and try to guilt me for my symptoms themselves and make me feel bad for every failure + slip up, shame me and berate me for the speed of my recovery as i did those things. we won’t even go into the physical health side of things and trying to cope with all that. whatever, point is, it’s finally beginning.

and even though i still have a few more weeks to wait for a lot of the treatments to start, i can’t help but feel less heavy. i can’t help but feel that faint little flicker of hopefulness within me, and i can’t deny that i feel triumphant for making it here because i’m going to be okay. someday, complimenting myself genuinely, or feeling proud of myself won’t feel so alien to me. i’m learning so much about myself every day when i’m actually willing to listen. in the meantime, i’m doing my part, leaning into the self-reflection and mindfulness and smacking down any overwhelming negativity that i can and finding positives in the hardest thoughts as well as the mild ones, no matter how small until I can unpack those issues entirely in treatment and focus on the solutions that can bring me the most permanent contentment and happiness possible in the long run. i’m so, so ready. now, i’m gonna make my carrot and coriander soup and i’ll enjoy every bite of every crouton whilst i watch dumb stuff online!