#it's just under the cut for length

[bearlytolerant]

Fandom: Star Wars: The Acolyte

Pairing: Qimir x fReader

Fic Rating: E (explicit)

Chapter Rating: Mature

AO3

ONE

Everyday—

Everyday is the same. Morning’s light shines, spackled and fractured through the tattered, burlap curtain. You raise your arm to shield your face. You cringe. You groan. You sit up. There’s a satisfying crackle when you roll your head from one shoulder to the other. Convinced that you should go to work, you stretch, then drag yourself out of bed (if you can consider a blanket on the floor and a rolled up shirt for a pillow as a bed). Still it’s better than waking up, face first in dirt. You’ve been there before and you’d rather not be there again.

Work is work. Food is food. Drink is drink. Evening is evening, but with that you can at least drown the dull life you live in copious amounts of liquor. Numb reality away and drift—drift in an imagined haze of a life where you’re free from this drudgery. And that’s exactly what you do today. Drink. Drink. Drink until you nearly disintegrate. Same as every other.

But this day is not like every other. You stumble out of the local bar and wander by the apothecary’s humble shop. There’s an agitating jingle that wraps itself around your head that’s just begun to throb as a breeze blows through, rustling the makeshift set of chimes near the smeared window. Grasping the corner of the building, fist closing as you wrap an arm around your waist, you steady yourself. A deep inhale and exhale and your stomach gurgles, lurches, threatening your evening and maybe even tomorrow morning too. Doubling over, you swallow, and gulp, and will the contents bubbling in the back of your throat downward. Downward into the pit of your stomach where it belongs.

“Not looking so good.” There’s a tsk. “I can help with that.”

You glance up to see an unfamiliar face that’s half smiling at you, eyes mostly hidden in the shadow of the hood of his cloak. That’s not the apothecary you know. It doesn’t matter, not when your insides want to be your outsides. You try to shove back some of the hair sticking to your temples and suck in fresh air. Even though it’s evening, the air is stale, and ripe with wet blanketed heat. It only makes matters worse.

“Please, I’ll take anything you’ve got,” you manage to croak.

The apothecary shuffles away and reappears after what feels like an eternity, a small vile in hand. He pops the cork and offers the vial. “It’s bitter,” he warns.

Throwing your head back, you dump the burning liquid down your throat and bitter is an understatement. Still, its effects are immediate. You straighten out, palm still pressed to the side of the building.

“Better?” He asks.

You give a nod. “How much?” There’s hope it won’t be your life’s savings but it would have been worth it. Any cost would be worth it to be able to crawl home and not spend the night hunched over a toilet and waking up to the incessant throb of a hangover.

He waves a hand at you. “Consider this one on the house.”

Eyeing him suspiciously, you give the empty vial back. “Nothing’s free.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “This is. You’re special.”

“I am not special,” you say.

Nobody’s special.

He throws you a curious smile, a chunk of his dark hair swooping down over his cheek. He leans in a little closer to you. “I think you are.”

He bites down on his bottom lip. Whether it’s to hold back more of what he wants to say or some kind of flirt, you’re too far gone to sort it out or really care.

“And I know you’re wrong,” you reply. “But thanks for the assist anyway.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” he replies.

With a shake of your head, you shove off the wall, leaving him behind as you continue your trek back to your hovel of a home and pass out.

[non-un-topo]

More clothing studies, this time from my fic Axis. I was aiming for authenticity while also trying to have each of their personalities show a little bit in their clothing choices. Two for Nicky, to show his layers.

[zenlesszonezero]

Join Zenless Zone Zero with Tsukishiro Yanagi, the deputy leader of Hollow Special Operations Section 6! Beneath her ordinary office lady exterior lies a meticulous, emotionally intelligent big sister to the team.

[frogs-in3-hills]

fanart for T33la’s lovely fic, Flipbook. please give it a read! it’s an achingly warm exploration of a much-needed conversation post-SAINW, and is filled to the brim with evocative prose and dialogue. ^_^

[Image ID: A two page digital comic with a painterly rendering style. The color scheme transitions from dark blues and purples at the top to a red orange color at the bottom.

Page one: The upper portion centers a far away planet earth with clouds swirling around it. The clouds expand and show sketches of different scenes from the story. The first scene in the top left is of Donny working at his cluttered desk with a thoughtful expression, chin resting on one hand and a pen in the other. He works on a small drawing attached to a pegbar. The second scene in the top right shows a paper airplane flying in front of a dark sky. The third scene shows Mikey reaching down between machinery and pipes to grab the flipbook with a curious and somewhat awed expression. The fourth scene shows Donny and Mikey lying on the floor and hugging tightly, both looking like they're crying. The fifth scene shows a memory from the future. Mikey stands with his shell to the camera, his severed arm barely visible, while Donny stands beside him, looking back with a mournful expression. Their figures are silhouetted against an electric sky. Below all of these scenes, earth moves incrementally closer until it fills the bottom of the page. A balloon flies above it, the string twisting along with the clouds.

Page two: The bright clouds from the previous page extend into this one, crawling down the sides. The top half shows the inside of a helicopter cockpit. Donny and Mikey are huddled together, their masks pulled down around their necks. Donny leans his head against Mikey's shoulder as Mikey thumbs through the flip book, both of them watching it quietly. Below this scene, a humanoid robot in a sketchy pen style stands from a bird's eye view. It looks like the robot has been cut out from a piece of paper and pasted into the scene. It reaches out to hold the balloon string. It's surrounded by patches of grass, sunflowers, and a few large trees that frame the edges of the page. The warm color palette relays a sense of peace. End ID.]

[batshaped]

twitter stop fucking up for one second challenge (impossible)

well,

here’s the thing. it feels like social media is changing lately. every social media site seems to be fucking up or getting worse in its own special little way. i recently read and thought a lot about this article which coins the term “enshittification” and describes the process by which every social media platform eventually becomes so greedy as to become unusable. it makes me wonder if the social internet is due for a big shift in the near future. 

for a long time, twitter was the best place for me. for all its issues, it had the audience that i could reach the easiest, that was the most invested in my art. i got (still get) a lot of awesome replies and really great analysis of my work on twitter, which i didn’t receive on any other platform. i was able to encourage those readers by retweeting their comments and theories to show that i liked hearing their thoughts. i could use the Moments feature to organize my art and make my comic easily readable in order. and anyone could look at my twitter, account or no.

ever since the site was bought out, twitter is getting worse. i can’t use the app on mobile anymore because every reply section is drowned out by blue checks and choked with ads. the Moments feature was disabled and people couldn’t easily read my comics in order anymore. and this is without even touching on the bigger/more serious issues the buyout has brought to the app. these are just the ways it has made my personal experience of being an artist on there worse. and now, apparently, you can’t even look at my work unless you have an account.

it’s been pretty common in the past year for the new management to implement a bad feature and then undo it after backlash, and maybe this too will be reversed. but even if it is unimplemented, the platform will continue to get worse. all platforms are getting worse right now. all of them are becoming untenable to use without 7 bespoke browser extensions to block ads, hide specific unwanted content, force chronological order, and so on. on mobile i don’t even bother. apps are unusable. 

on top of that, i have the personal issue of not being the type of creator who is particularly good at staying on top of more than one or two platforms daily. twitter has been my main for years now, so i’m pretty good about updating it very regularly. instagram is trailing behind, i usually remember to post there daily (especially as i’m remaking mine right now and posting my entire backlog) but sometimes i forget. and that’s kind of my limit. every other site falls by the wayside because i just don’t want to spend my whole day or life updating platforms. i know there are tools that can do it automatically for you but i don’t want to do it that way and then i’d have to figure out a new tool and get yet another account on yet another app and install yet another extension to use it.

i just want to draw. i don’t know how we arrived at this place where we need to be 700 other things when we are just artists. i draw and write, isn’t that enough? if i wanted a presence on tiktok i’d also have to be a video editor who pays close attention to trends and makes sure to transform my artwork into something people on that app are interested in. even if i just wanted to have a strong presence on say, twitter/instagram/tumblr/tapas/webtoon i’d have to take on another (unpaid) job as my own social media manager, meticulously managing my uploads across 5+ apps and making sure everything is up to date and tailored to what “works” on each particular platform. i already have a day job—i’m a storyboard artist. the art i post online is supposed to be made and given freely for my own enrichment first and foremost, and for the joy of sharing with others as a close second.

i wonder if we’re due for a mass rejection of this increasingly draining cable-wars-style model of spreading ourselves thin across multiple platforms just to reach the exclusive audience each one provides. i’m starting to feel done with that concept, but i still want to share my art. i want to hear my readers’ thoughts. i want to create things that connect with others. i want to do it without these ever-mounting obstacles.

what i’m doing about it is creating my own website at my own domain that belongs to me. i doubt i’ll be quitting social media when it’s done. social media is still where the audience i cherish lives. but you can bet that when that website is ready to be shared, i’ll be talking about it on every social media account i own. i’ll be telling everyone there’s a place to look at my art where you don’t need an account, you don’t have to struggle through a morass of ads, and you don’t have to line the pockets of a billionaire who bought a social media app on a whim. it’ll just be you and my art. alone together.

by the way, to @whatthehelljake​ i apologize for writing a fucking SAT essay on a screenshot of your reply. any exasperated tone here is not directed at you at all. it’s directed at this sea of obstacles that disrupt the simple concept of “i made art and i want to share it with you.” your reply is how i found out today that twitter made this change. i cherish the fact that you want to connect with my art so much that you alerted me to this. i wish that wasn’t necessary. i want to make my work on my own terms—and want you to be able to experience it on YOUR own terms.

all that to say, i think the website is going to be the main answer to this issue. i don’t see myself having the energy to update tumblr that much more often than i already do, though maybe i’ll try to pick up the pace a little now. we’ll see. holy shit if you read all this go drink a glass of water or something get up and stretch. ok thank you bye <3

[asexualjedi]

Tried to pick the best of the photos. The photo in the bathroom, with my mirror kinda dirty was so good I was not able to recreate it once I cleaned the mirror. I forgot to take photos until like the end of the day when I was sweaty and very tried except the middle one. So. Not quiet my best work lol. I had fun tho and I was able to wear my respirator over the wig/extra bump it wig attachment and veil.

[sealovinq]

not to boast or make anyone jealous, but actually i'm so glad i got into a real life relationship. self shippers, myself included, tend to focus only on the lovey dovey stuff. because who would willingly make up a scenario where you and your partner have to fight/argue, right? unless you're the type to really dig into your lore and show how your relationship was developed and strengthened, that's cool too. it's just something i noticed within the community — how the majority usually concentrate on the bright side of our relationships with our f/o's, which is absolutely valid and i don't discriminate anyone who does, nor do i implore anyone to start putting conflict between them and their f/o's.

my point is, i'm glad i got to experience both the ups and downs with my real life partner. as an active self shipper before getting into the love life, i had to lower down A LOT of my expectations. the expectations that i built due to self shipping. due to how i imagine my f/o's would be like. of course, i already knew every relationship has its rocky road and it would eventually come to the point where i and my partner would argue, but it really opened my eyes to how every problem we encounter in our relationship is a stepping stone to further nurturing and strengthening our bond and love. it takes the commitment to stay and continue to love despite all the flaws and mistakes that were made.

there will be moments of doubt where we question if we really deserve each other or not, but each time, we convince the other that it doesn't really matter and it would hurt more if we were to separate. we stay and fix it together, even if it was hurtful at first. it's genuinely the embodiment of the "it's rotten work." "not to me. not if it's you." quote.

and i enjoy implementing that to the lore with my f/o's. because i personally have experienced it and can say it's true with full confidence. it's true that i won't always agree with my f/o, that i won't always be happy with how my f/o acts, that i won't always satisfy my f/o's needs. and that's okay, that doesn't mean it's the end of our relationship. i and my f/o talk through it, we fix it, we offer solutions, we apologize, we improve. and that enhances the bond and love i have with and for my f/o even more. it also shows how real (emphasis on real) our relationship is — it's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, a rainstorm would come but a rainbow will eventually appear.

i'm not disregarding angst, though — i'm specifically talking about arguing/fighting and the commitment to go through it with your f/o's. but that's just me and my opinion. :]

[swallowtailed]

disco elysium! day 4!

we finally made some headway in the actual mystery (got the hardie boys and klaasje to talk), only to discover that we'd been lied to the entire time and in fact had made no headway in the actual actual mystery. (also we explored the new area probably earlier than intended.) visual calculus isn't as poetic as some of the other skills but it is always so fascinating when it pops off. also we spent quite a while debating the physics of the murder as it was described to us right before visual calculus laid out exactly what we'd been discussing.

other developments: we've started a couple intriguing new thoughts (including homosexual underground and remote sensing division); met our coworkers in shitty disguises; did very badly at telling a woman her husband was dead; got a steam achievement for getting kim to like us; learned that kim has an embarrassing past as a pinball champion??????; acquired a die that only ever tells us god has abandoned us and had a very meta discussion about failure.

also, we got two incredible leather jackets off some randos looking at kim's car. i'm trying to avoid spoilers so i don't want to search but: is there art out there of us and kim wearing the jackets; if so, please link me to your favorite one

still have no idea where we are in the game (don't tell me!). i think we could be as early as the beginning of act 2 or as late as the beginning of act 3, but this could correspond to truly any amount of in-game or out-of-game time remaining. there's so much game in this game that absorbing spoilers ambiently from my dash kind of tells me nothing

lastly: i am so, so sad we didn't win the mountain climbing pinball game. i immediately changed all our clothes to the appropriate bonus and tried again, only to learn the machine was busted. if we don't get another chance, i would fully replay this game to be able to win at pinball.

[crystalleoi]

i got a 7th gen ipod nano and. well. you know.

additional doodles

[nightshadeowl]

Every time I remember that X having a buzz cut is an overly reasonable headcanon to have I lose 1 life point permanently

[genericwizard]

Trick or treat :P

You like Venti yes? Have an excerpt of some kaeven wingfic I abandoned lol. Under a read more for length

“My wings?” Venti repeats back to him, as though confused. 

“Yes. I wanted to know if you actually had wings. Or if that’s more ‘thing of legend and bardic poems’” he gestures air quotes for emphasis. 

Venti hums for a moment, calculating something. 

“Well, yes and no. Yes, I have wings, but to you, it's not exactly something you could have ever noticed,” Venti explains. “If Nahida were here, she’d say ‘Your wings exist in a state of superposition! Yada yada quantum physics I don’t fully understand- I'd prefer to say that it’s closer to Lumine’s teapot,” Venti gives as an incoherent explanation. Kaeya says nothing, hoping he’s going to elaborate. 

“I keep my wings in a kind of… pocket dimension.They aren’t visible or tangible in this plane of existence, but I suppose if I really wanted to, I could take them out. It’s not like I’m ashamed of them or anything. But in this era, I think most people would be a little alarmed, if I just had them out in broad daylight,” Venti smiles sheepishly. 

Kaeya scoffs at that claim. “I dunno, I’ve met plenty of people across Teyvat with horns and animal-like traits, and no one’s accusing them of Godhood. Surely wings wouldn’t raise too many eyebrows?” 

Venti laughs awkwardly. “I mean. Well… would you want to see them?” he asks pointedly. “Because case and point-”

“Yeah, maybe I would like to see them.” Kaeya cuts him off with a smirk. 

Venti sighs heavily, dragging a hand over his face. “Ugh fine, but I’ve kinda gotten used to hiding them. I feel more…human when I hide them,” he pouts a little as he says it. “I’m not doing it here. Tomorrow afternoon, meet me in the teapot.” Venti amends.

“Oh?” Kaeya’s lips twitch into a smile. “Then I’ll meet you there.”

--

Kaeya sees Venti seated near the horizon behind the manor. The wind is gentle and warm against his face, he’s dressed down because they’ll be alone. He assumes viewing a God’s wings is an intimate experience, and that he should attend open and inviting as well. 

Venti had laid out a blue gingham blanket in a patch of grass in the sun. A few small wildflowers have sprouted up through the long grass and sway in the breeze. He’s shirtless, presumably for mobility, his hair is braided back in a crown with fresh cecilia. 

Venti’s eyes look up at him as he approaches, and he smiles like he’s been handed a fresh cup of cider. His eyes seem brighter than usual.

“Thank you for coming, Kaeya,” Venti says, voice warm and low. Kaeya nods as he sits next to him, giving him a peck on the cheek. 

“Wouldn't have missed it for anything,” Kaeya promises with a smile. 

“I know you’re very smart, so I know you know I don’t do this for just anyone,” Venti says. 

Kaeya grins, “Without a doubt.”

“I’m so happy to have someone like you Kaeya, for being my friend before anything else,” Venti says solemnly. A sigil illuminates behind Venti, light bending circles suspended in midair. They turn, before dissipating in a white flash. 

And in the wake, huge, pure white wings fan out behind Venti’s tiny frame. They dwarf him, easily a wingspan of three meters or so. He understands immediately why this would be conspicuous for someone trying to blend in as a traveling bard.

“I figured it would be alright for you to see me for what I really am. Because. I am a God at the end of the day. I could take on many forms, if I really wanted but honestly, I don’t have much use for these powers, because I am perfectly happy without them. I would rather devote what power I do have back into Mondstadt. As songs, as seasons, and blessings for good wine,” Venti nods. 

“I can’t deny I enjoy having wings though. Which is why I can’t bring myself to give them up completely,” Venti chuckles. “Stretching them out on a clear sunny day is certainly nice,” Venti relents. He slowly extends his wings, setting loose a few feathers; they seem iridescent as they flutter free, catching the sunlight.

His wings finally settle again, arched forward to crowd Kaeya in.

[aubins]

she is rasping and literally crawling toward yuri with big wet eyes because the week has been very unkind to her and she's a little scraped up from getting caught in a wilderness trap but don't even worry about it. however! she reaches them and her fluffy head perks up.

"yuri! yuri, we weren't on the same island last week, and bernie didn't want to miss you just in case—" rustle, rustle. from her belongings, she fishes out a lilac-ribboned box. inside there is makeup, carefully curated and dorothea-certified of course, along with a flower accessory she'd made herself. its blossom is the color of their eyes, which she is doing her very best to meet now, thank you very much.

(in fact, she's trying so hard that it pinches her brow just slightly. eye contact will always be her worst enemy but god if she isn't pulling out all the stops to show her earnestness. they deserve that much and plenty more.)

"happy, uh, early birthday...!" the gift is ushered into their possession. then her arms flap at her sides, and she blurts: "please don't get eaten by alligators, okay?! wait, are there alligators on this island? w-well, don't get eaten by anything! please. um, yes." nod, nod. "i don't get this whole competition thing, but you're still bernie's dear friend. and bernie really, really wants to keep being friends by the time your next birthday comes, too."

a pause. then, lips curl into a silly, fond smile that bernadetta can't help but make. "a-and it doesn't have anything to do with this weird island, but, um... you make me happy. so i hope this makes you happy, too."

Yuri Leclerc does not celebrate their birthday.

Sometimes, there are exceptions. Like the treats and surprises of a certain red-haired girl or the odd greeting here and there from Abyssians who have known them for long enough to learn it. Yet no matter how routine these exceptions start to become, they will always be just that: exceptions. Because, for so long, the day they'd said was theirs never really was their birthday anyway. Because, a long time ago, the boy who was born on their actual birthday died on the streets of Adrestia.

“Bernadetta,” is their hummed greeting as their gaze flicks over her, pleased— well, always pleased, really, to see her, and even more so when she appears to be in relatively one piece— their usual smile curling at the corner of their lips. “That for me?” they ask, tone teasing as she fishes the box from her belongings. It's not even my birthday yet, is the follow up, already upon the tip of their tongue when—

“Happy, uh, early birthday...!”

And Yuri blinks, stunned for a moment, because no, they think, they will never quite get used to these exceptions. Even as Bernadetta shuffles the gift into their hands, babbling that they shouldn't get eaten by alligators, if there even are any— “No,” they think they hear themself say automatically, first instinct always to reassure, “I haven't seen any alligators. And I won't get eaten, so don't even worry about it.”— and that they're her dear friend— “...ah?” is the only sound they make in response to that one, a little quiet and a little confused, because there's no automatic answer to it, not one that they want to give to such a genuine effort anyway.

They glance at the box now in their hands for a beat, then pull it open gently, as if afraid it might break. “You didn't have to,” Yuri says, gaze immediately attracted to the collection of makeup within. They know, of course, what it costs, and suddenly mean it doubly so. “Must've cost you a pretty penny. You should've spent it on yourself.” And even if some people would say it just to be humble, humility has never been one of their features. They know what they do and do not deserve.

After all, Yuri is no stranger to gifts like these. Makeup and jewelry offered to them because only the finest of accessories should decorate the most beautiful dolls— and never for free, of course, because nothing in this world is ever for free, and they are quite used to trading both face and body.

They kept them all, no matter how they loathe them sometimes. They may be prideful, but they are not foolish. There is a trunk under the floorboards beneath their bed in Abyss filled with their hoard, bountiful enough to convince someone they are a magpie and not a mockingbird. Bountiful enough to remind them that, now, the Savage Mockingbird can take a noble's expensive gift and slit his throat while wearing it if they wanted, then toss it without a second thought to disappear within their collection.

But while Bernadetta is a noble, she is not like them. (But how do you know? asks a voice. Yuri silences it. They just do— they must believe that.) Not because of this island, she says next, and as much as Yuri can guess where her mind tends to spiral to, they wonder if she can do the same. Because they would have thought it next, yes, wondered about an objective handed to her in the interim that perhaps needed completing or some other game their hosts wanted to play. Even with the reassurance, they might have still wondered.

But maybe it is because it is Bernadetta, because she had known them before they were Yuri, and know all the secrets and vulnerabilities that come with that, because no matter how many times she says she has forgiven them, Yuri is used to bracing for betrayal, that the mockingbird pauses. Briefly, yet completely and utterly struck still mid-flight.

And then they believe her, even when the first instinct ingrained in them is not to.

“It...” they start, then pause. Correct themself. “You make me happy, Bernadetta. With or without the gift. But thanks for thinking about my birthday.” Because it's nice to be thought about, in the end. If it needs to be put simply for her, without the mess of their past, then it— and she— makes them happy. Bernadetta doesn't need to know the rest. Yuri grins, then plucks the flower accessory from the box to hold out to her. This one, they can think about without straining their smile. No shadow haunts it; this one is just Bernadetta. “Help me put it in my hair?”

Next birthday, we'll still be friends. But they do not say it aloud. This one is a promise all for themself. Yuri resolves not to break it.

[akechi-if-he-slayed]

stan’s not allowed to take nuvia (staig daughter) for haircuts anymore because the one time he did when she was like six he took her to sportsclips and let her pick out whatever she wanted and she came home with a fuck ass bob.

[keeps-ache]

ouh i'm hungryyy

but the only thing to eat is orangesss

i don't want to peel themmm cuz i don't like them under my nailssss

ouhuhguhg [dies]

[sluttyten]

After I eventually finish this Haechan fic (s2g I don’t know why it’s getting so long 😂) and after I finish the rest of unholy, I’m gonna force myself to keep to a word minimum and just write something short because I can’t keep doing these long fics 😭

[wcdonaldo]

anyway I think I've solved the riddle

it seems the answer i've landed on for the cause of my current mental state can be summed up as "I'm not presenting my gender the way I want to and I'm not interacting with enough trans people IRL"

which are two problems that, while not entirely unrelated, have very different solutions

the first problem is relatively easy to solve, though kind of expensive (and made more difficult due to my body type). simply put i need to find more femme ways to dress casually so that i don't feel as gross. part of me wants to dye my hair a little, though I think step one before I go there is to figure out a new hairstyle - I usually just part it in the middle (where it parts very easily but the hair gets kinda thin there) and then loosely tie it back, and then use leave-in conditioner to make sure the hair stays down near my ears. here's a picture as an example, though the hair's kinda messy cause I'm laying in bed at the end of the day

aside from hair (which I'll work on but am probably gonna have to sort out with a hair stylist) i have to figure out two other major concerns with my appearance, which are the red blotches on my face and my clothes. the red blotches are either acne or rosacea (though I'm kinda young for rosacea) but tbqh I need to see a dermatologist about it. again if anybody knows any trans-friendly dermatologists in the chicago area I'd jump at the chance, but it's not priority until i can get that sorted because it's not something I can handle or even diagnose without medical help or knowledge. I kinda want to learn a little more about makeup to help hide it, but even then I want to see if I can reduce the symptoms a bit first.

clothing wise is where gender presentation runs into some money and anxiety issues because what it boils down to is that I actually rather like the stereotypical "programmer socks" and own a couple pairs, but they 1. don't stay up unless I use fashion glue due to my fat thighs and 2. get nervous at the notion of wearing them in public or even around my apartment. i have two roommates, one of whom i would be upset if he called me cringe for wearing these in my mid-20s (the other roommate i do not particularly care for their opinion, he regularly seems to "forget" I'm a girl), so i think i might pull him aside and talk to him tomorrow to tell him not to judge me openly. even then there's a lot of anxiety about wearing it in public, or even other thigh high socks, though that can be hopefully changed if I start hanging out with crowds that also dress that way. aside from that my other issue is frankly that I don't have any outfits to wear socks or tights with; I have one dress that they might maybe work with, but even then I don't have anything short enough that I can casually throw it on without covering the top of the socks (they go up really high, like almost all the way to the corners of the crotch. they might actually be a little too tall but idk enough to say). i don't even know where i would start looking, considering that whatever I'd find would have to have at least like a 46" inch waist. to be honest ultimate goals would be wearing an outfit like that with a hoodie or a sweater? neither of which i own (more money...) but that can be fixed. I don't know what else i'd wear as a top and again I'm not suuuuuper sure where to start looking, but i think the hoodie would be a step in the right direction.

and to be clear here the clothing thing is entirely me just aping the way I see other trans girls dress online, and while i like the way it looks and understand the general style I've never quite understood any decisions that went into it aside from "it looks good"-- the biggest mystery of my life has been watching other trans women give clothing advice and always talking about "framing the shoulders," which is a phrase on par with wizardry to me. i simply have no idea what that means and it's never really been explained to me in a way that makes sense. all i really know is that the way I've dressed since I transitioned has mostly mirrored the way I dressed before I transitioned. this picture of me where I felt relatively confident looks like a somewhat more femme version of the way I dressed in high school and freshman year college

this is more or less how I've dressed all my life, except before this year I didn't own any camisoles at all and all my bras were sports bras (for convenience) so i just had whatever shitty tshirt I could find with kinda small breasts. it's very casual and practical and doesn't deviate a whole lot from what i already know, but what i already know isn't good enough. it doesnt feel right when I look in the mirror, it doesn't make my heart race. it makes me feel allergic to my own clothing. in summary i need to change or die trying, which hopefully can be done on a budget and with some help from some friends

the other major issue, frankly, is the same as always - i need to surround myself with people a little more like me. going to support groups hasn't really panned out, and has involved me meeting other trans people that I would define as "normie" - not to mention the one time I went down to boystown and took a breather in the center on halsted, and the security guard there gave me the stinkeye the entire time. i really don't like the word "normie" but frankly it's the word in my vocabulary that fits the best - these were people who I would define as my brothers, sisters, and siblings, and yet we shared no other commonalities, no interests at all. people where aside from being trans, felt like they were entirely culturally different than me. this issue is a hell of a lot harder to solve than buying clothes (though it ties into relieving the anxiety of how I dress in public by having other people who dress similarly) and frankly i'm not sure where to even start on trying to solve this one. i'm planning on taking chances on anime conventions and hoping to find other people there, but who knows what luck I'll have with that; i've made maybe two friends that i actively talk to since high school, and my social skills have kind of atrophied as a result. it helps to have other people along to push me into social situations, but i can't always have people i know there (especially since everybody i know who'd be willing to go with is eternally busy).

I think some of this also ties into trust issues in my romantic life (implying that I have one) and general feelings of loneliness, but logically I think before I can really handle being in any kind of relationship I need to get myself in a mental state where I can actually believe that somebody would feel something for me other than revulsion or mild annoyance

so yeah I think that sorts out my issues, and maybe (hopefully) gives me a place to start getting shit figured out again, and get to a better mental state. thank y'all for not unfollowing me during my monthlong mental breakdown lmao. maybe i'll email this post to my therapist

[maureen-corpse]

Proper hats should never have fallen out of fashion.