#it's just that id like to work abroad and if i end up having to get it over there it would probs be harder (both since jpn is more

[botanyshitposts]

ok INCREDIBLY old content originally meant for this blog but in 2018 when i was just a wee lad with a little spinner propeller hat and big rainbow lollipop i went to a carnivorous plant convention in california and met a bunch of people who breed/collect/study these guys. one person was this collector who was slowly working on leaving the hobby or at least no longer growing plants, and he had a bunch of carnivorous plant related files he was charging like 50 cents for or something, and so i came into possession of these, which are examples of the kind of paperwork you have to have done to legally ship/trade endangered species of both plants and animals. functionally very boring paperwork, but something i found like, incredibly fascinating. i blacked out the personal id of the person and then immediately forgot to ever upload them, lmao.

these plants were bred and raised in a greenhouse and sold abroad, not taken from the wild, but because the species are endangered and often protected in their native countries (most of these are nepenthes, asian pitcher plants, a huge family spread throughout oceania and southeast asia), there's a lot more documentation that needs to be done regardless of their origin, both on the end of the seller and on the end of the buyer.

the rabbit hole on carnivorous plant trade is deep and kind of wild. there's plenty of common, non-threatened, greenhouse-grown pitcher plants on the market that people buy all the time, even non-collectors, but there's a whole debate to be had on if it's morally okay to be collecting the more endangered/rare of these plants in the first place. the big argument for breeding is that breeding them in captivity means there's more supply that's not poached from the wild, meaning poachers have less of an incentive to take the risk of taking adult plants from their habitats; from what i've heard, sometimes countries will issue permits for breeders to collect some wild seeds just to create a non-wild breeding pool to drive down the price. predictably, however, you also get people who are very much willing to pay a lot of money to get as rare of a plant as possible.

anyone familiar with the allure valuable plants have had over people throughout history can imagine the rest, but here's an article about a guy who started buying poached plants to enrich his private nepenthes collection, who then got busted by a fish and wildlife service agent embedded in his carvirorous plant circle. the plants this guy was buying were being sold to him without any CITES paperwork or declarations like the ones above; it was literally just a guy in indonesia taking rare plants from the woods around where he lived, selling them over facebook marketplace and ebay, and mailing them overseas as an undeclared 'gift' to get around customs. frighteningly small steps to take on all sides, to be honest.

(also, fun fact: another example of carnivorous plants that get poached are wild venus fly traps, which are only native to north and south carolina in the US. from what i understand it's a mix of people who genuinely did not know it's a native species and people who really are just going out into the woods and digging up plants to sell online. sometimes poaching is closer to home than you'd think!)

anyway. wild and interesting times in the land of plants recovered from a hard drive lmao

[silenttrxxs]

choi san! x reader

best friends to lovers! nsfw, smut. 18+ NO MINORS!!

3am, the time read on your phone, you groaned loudly rolling back over and pulling the duvet back over your head as you sighed. Why the fuck your phone was ringing at 3am was beyond you... you sighed when the ringtone ended and silence fell over the room again. You smiled to yourself and gave into the wave of tiredness that spread through your body. Growling, you got up picking up your phone and putting it on speaker as you grabbed a blanket wrapping it around you sliding your slippers on and trudging to the kettle as you spoke on the phone. "san i swear on anything that may be above this better be good or im personally going to string you up and gut you its 5am" you growled into the phone. Giggling a little as you heard him suck in a slight breath as your tone shocked him. "s-sorry y/n but im outside and i need you packed and ready in 2 hours okay, i brought you your favourite snacks and drink now open up please" he spoke as he picked up the bag and stood ready to be let into your home.

"youre lucky i have a soft spot for you and you know a way to bribe succesfully" you said opening the door and smiling hanging up the phone.

you took the bag and put it on the table as you wrapped your arms around sans shoulders, hugging him tightly.

"i have missed you san-san but why this early you know i like my sleep" you spoke stepping back and grabbing a cookie and taking a sip of your drink. san stood there, watching your every move and smiled.

"well i thought since the company has finally allowed us time to go away for a while i thought who best to spend time with than my best friend. And plus you get sick and tired living with hwa and mingi after a while" san says laughing a little. "right so i have 2 hours to pack for what exactly" you scoff pulling the blanket of and walking back to the bedroom pulling out your suitcase and not so graciously throwing it onto your bed. You turnt to your wardrobe grabbing your underwear and rolling it up putting it in and your toiletry bag, pulling out a multitude of clothes out and rolling them up. "well where are we going then sannie?" you question as you look over at san who is pulling out your makeup and putting it into a bag for you.

"hmm ill tell you when we get there..." he says shrugging his shoulders.

"b-but" you gasp and give him a puppy dog look, trying to get him to break and tell you.

"excuse me you think that works, i deal with wooyoung on a daily basis im indestructible to that charm darling" san giggles and pats your head placing the bag in your suitcase and helping you to zip it up.

You both walk to the car, san taking the suitcase from you and lifting it setting it into the boot of his car before opening the door and ushering you into the passenger seat. He starts the car and looks at you, "you better have your passport thats all im saying madam" he laughs as you pick up your bag and root through it, you make a noise that makes san jump as you hold the passport up and put it back. "okay so its abroad hmm... interesting" you say as you fumble with the stereo and put some music on, enjoying the journey to the airport.

you both arrive pulling out your suitcases and giggling together as you help tuck sans hair into his hat and adjust his mask, walking to the terminal. You try to guess the destination but you're dragged away from every sign and each time the tanoi announces a boarding san is quick to cover your ears and shake his head laughing.

"this isn't fair you know, you could be leading me to my own death and ... stupidly id be traipsing along like a lost puppy" you roll your eyes and cross your arms.

"what if i am, what would pouty little y/n do about it huh, they love their sannie too much to say a word" san says in a teasing tone.

"god i could just slap you right now" you joke and smile a little as you watch the way his eyes crinkle as he laughs with you.

san jumps as he covers your ears as your boarding is announced he covers your eyes as he leads you onto the plane. "thank you thank you she isnt to know where we are going so im gonna cover her eyes till were seated" he says to the staff as they ask what hes doing.

you laugh as you get guided to the seat of the plane and once sat you look around, youre sat in first class with san, milan posters everywhere. " San you didnt" you gasp out as you realise where you both are going.

"oh yeah its beautiful there and i have always wanted to bring you but its been a busy season lately and i never got the chance" san says.

"now get some rest ill wake you when we get there" san says patting his shoulder as you rest into his hold on the plane, he puts on a movie and holds you tight enjoying the journey with you.

time skip

you both arrive in milan. the city lights shinging brightly as you exit the airport together, you look over to san as he ushers a taxi. youj gasp as he speaks fluent italian.

"ciao sì, potrei avere un taxi per 2 per favore" he says and you roll your eyes a little trying to will away the blush that creeps on your cheeks before he turns to you.

"dai allora amore mio" he says look at you as he smiles. noticing the slight red tinge to your neck. "someone likes my italiano" san says as he loads the suitcases into the taxi with your and opens the door as he slides in next to you.

you shove him a little as he gets in and sigh relaxing a little as you enjoy the trip. You gasp loudly as san speaks pointing to the building your getting closer to the hotel beautifully traditional. "were here mi amor" he says as he helps you out the taxi and grabs the suitcases, thanking the driver and paying him.

"now lets go and see the room" he says excitedly as you follow behind taking in the decor of the hotel, the walls splayed with dolce and gabbana photos. "is this what i think it is san-ah" you ask. trailing behind san as he opens the door to the penthouse suite.

"come on then dont just stand there with your jaw on the floor" he says pulling you into the suite and laughing.

"san what the fuck do you think your doing... this place..." you say your thoughts trailing off as you take in the view. Your suitcases dealth with and a whiskey being poured and a glass of red wine passed to you.

"here" san says passing the drink to you and smiling as he wraps his arm around your waist as you both look out the window, san takes the glass of whiskey and smiles, his attention being diverted to your face as you sip the wine. He takes in the flush that spreads across your neck and up into your cheeks as his hand squeezes your waist a little testing your will a little.

"its beautiful isnt it" he says his eyes glistening with a look that you had never seen before. "s-san" you breathe out turning slowly, sans lips ghosting over yours as you sucked in the breath his lips were on yours. The way your lips melded together sent shivers to course through your veins. Your body heating up with the feeling of his hands wandering across your body. You spent years trying so hard to keep your feelings at bay, keeping the relationship you held with him at an arms length not wanting your heart to get broken yet again with the feeling that he may have not felt the same way but this pang in your heart being struck away as your mind was filled with the feeling of his tongue ghosting across your lips silently asking for entrance. You opened your mouth allowing him entrance, your hands gripping onto his shirt the glasses of drink long forgotten as your body was lifted from the ground. The air only thickening with desire and lust as you found your body thrown onto the bed. The cool air hitting your body as sans skilled has made ease of removing your layers.

You whine into his mouth as his hands grip into your skin, the pain making you hiss slightly you was sure his touch was going to leave a trail of marks in its wake. You smiled as you locked your gaze with his, noticing the unmistakable feeling of his arousal pressing against your core. You let out a moan, the noise causing san to buck his hips into you, wanting nothing more than to hear more of your noises as he took his time to unravel you from the inside out.

"fuck youre beautiful like this" he breathed out as he sat up, his gaze falling over your body, taking the look beneath him in like the smoothest whiskey he had ever drank. His thirst becoming unquenchable until he has his lips on you. He groaned as he felt your hands reaching for him, gripping into his thighs as your nails scratched into the skin, the burn setting aflame something animalistic in him. He gripped you, pushing your legs apart, moaning as your pussy clenched around nothing, the arousal leaking out of you in waves, he licked his lips as he smirked. moving his body weight to the end of the bed, pulling your weight with him, his face finding purchase between your thighs, drinking in the sweet scent that fell from your body the closer he got. He turnt his head licking a stripe along your thigh, his teeth biting into your thigh, the feeling igniting something inside you that you didnt know was there. You gripped into sans hair tugging harshly, his face now close to your aching core. "so needy arent we baby" he breathes out before licking a slow stripe along your folds, your arousal coating his tongue as his hands grip into your thighs ensuring you stay still, only allowing your hips to buck as he teased your clit with a smirk places across his face. You moaned loudly his name spilling from his lips as he brought you closer and closer to the most intense orgasm you have had in a while, your sight becoming hazy as you felt the familiar knot tightening in your gut, the wave coursing through your body only to be ripped away as he lifted his head, moving to stand, his fingers gently caressing your folds as he collected your arousal on his fingers and stroking himself, you blinked as your body was tossed around, now on your knees as he pulled your hips off the bed, bending you over it as he lined up with your entrance, pushing himself inside you as your walls clenched around his throbbing cock. He felt himself bottom out, the warmth of you covering him in a hazy feeling as he moaned at the feeling his hands stroking your back, pulling you up slowly, the angle making you both moan loudly.

You gasped, moans falling from your lips as he thrusted into you slowly the burn of the stretch long forgotten and your body aflame with pleasure as you felt his hands gripping into your hair tugging harshly as he used his other hand gripping into your hip his thrusts becoming harsher, you whined as he groaned his grip on you getting harder as he chased his own pleasure with you.

"fuck baby you feel so good, p-please" he breathed out, the way he spoke causing you to clench around him. A hiss leaving his body as he abused your hole.

"let me cum inside you please baby i need to feel your cunt milk me" he hissed out as his hips thrusted into you harder. You whined louder his name becoming the only vocabulary that you knew in this moment. You clenched around his throbbing cock as a silent agreement. Feeling the way you clenched around him he moaned loudly, releasing into your core, his seed pouring out mixing with your own release around his cock, his attack not stopping as he fucked both your arousals back into you, the overstimulation causing you both to hiss as the feeling. "fuck baby" he breathed out as he pulled out of your abused cunt.

you turn around slowly, the thin layer of sweat covering his body making him look more heavenly than you ever dreamed of. "i- i have no words" you breathed out trying to contain how your heart wished to pour itself into him.

"lets go take a shower and talk about that after hows that sound" san says lifting your body from the bed, helping you to the shower.

[destinationtrekk]

new day new scenario 😼😼

first of all i was wondering if i could take the ⚡️ emote to avoid repeating that it’s me!! after the vacations scenarios (beach and travel abroad) id like to give something different!

reader working as usual, it’s any day like others when their period cramps get so baaaad to the point they have their hands holding their stomach, eyes closed in pain as they try to suck it up. after all it’s not like something considered as “dangerous” or “too much worrying” from other people so they don’t go complain about it to others. as they keep on working, the cramps would get so intense to the point they go to the bathroom quite often and everyone noticed something’s wrong. jill would definitely be the first to ask if they’re okay. as time passes and reader seems to be feeling worse and worse, wesker would notice too and he’d ask if everything is okay. when reader tells him it’s due to cramps he’d be skeptical at first because wdym a stars member can’t handle cramps? but when he sees how reader can’t even work anymore and he sees their head resting against the wooden desk, he’d pick them up from their seat and bring them to the infirmary, ordering the others to keep working. once in the infirmary he’d lay them down on the bed and he’d fetch heating pads and some painkillers. he’d stay there for few mins after he administered them with what needed. he then would get back to work, but after some time he’d eventually come back to check on them. the painkillers kicked in by then and reader is finally free from pain, their face softer and their breathing regular. wesker would genuinely smile as he sits on the chair in front of the bed and he’d hold their hand again for some time and once reader wakes up and it’s the end of the shift, he’d check on them once again and he’d ask them if they are able to walk or if they want a ride back home

oohhhhh stars captain wesker my beloved.

he's not the best at showing it, especially in front of others, but he worries about you. he wonders if you're okay, he hopes you have a good day, he cares so much. he's a little bad with people, that much is obvious, so it's not that he thinks you're weak when you say you're in pain. he obviously understands the biology of menstruation, but understand the effects is a different story.

nevertheless he starts to be concerned when he sees you struggling to sit upright and breathing harshly. this is his breaking point - he can't have his favorite officer collapsing due to negligence on his part. he's just being a good captain, right? no harm in carrying his favorite to the infirmary in his arms, right?

he knows it's bad when he sees the others' concerned faces, especially jill. she's not a hardass by any means, but he knows she doesn't offer sympathy or pity unless it's genuine. he's glad to know he can help, even if it's as small as feeding you painkillers, and if he's cradling your hand like precious treasure when you wake up - it's just because he's a good captain, okay?

[orange-orchard-system]

how do you deal with the grief of knowing your life will never be truly yours? im very romantic, want a girlfriend, want to study history abroad and go into academia, want to be a pretty woman. But I only front like once or twice a month and headspace doesn't work for me like it does for other systems who have headspaces you can live an actual life in (i'm often sort of unaware of myself when not fronting. idk it's difficult to describe, like i know what happened but during the moment its like i dont exist and only know what happened afterwards.). I only have two other headmates, and they both align on a lot of big things (both are aroace, both want a body on T, both want to study psychology). So I never end up actually making any decisions, I have to live my life according to them. It's so disturbing existing in this ugly body with scars across my chest, gross body hair everywhere, I can't even touch myself down there without wanting to throw up. The I think I'm experiencing some really severe dysphoria due to the T and top surgery. The shittily dyed and cut neon green hair that's fading to a puke color ruins any outfit I'd want to wear. I'm failing a boring degree in the most boring state instead of studying what i love in some cool european city with actual culture. And apparently neither of my headmates considered having friends a priority so I'm always lonely. A girlfriend is out of the question, and so is sex both due to my ugly body and due to what my headmates would do if they found out I had sex using "their" body (be really fucking annoying and whiny and probably get some ugly ass tattoo to "cope with the trauma"). So I'm definitely going to die being a virgin even though thats something id really like to experience at some point (its one of the only things that sounds fulfilling in the span of a few hours, its literally down to sex and food when it comes to things i can enjoy :/). Communication has basically broken down, they've allied against me and ignore anything I say. And since I get so little time fronting there's nothing I can do.

And even if they listened to my wishes. I still only get a few days each month to do anything. That's so little. I'm basically going to live for something like 5 years, all of the days disconnected from each other. Hating my headmates gives me something to focus on I guess, but whenever I get too deep into thinking about this I start crying. I don't get to experience anything, choose something and live through the consequences. If I decide to go to a party next week, I'm never going to actually go to the party (and one of my cunt headmates will probably start crying and having a panic attack about having to talk to actual people instead of ai bots of anime characters and end up not going in the end anyways.)

sorry if this is very emotional and angry, i dont have anyone to say this to. it all just came out of me. im constantly so lonely, i dont have friends, i hate my headmates. the only people who know i exist are doing their best to ignore me. if i decide i want to go to therapy, my headmates will just cancel the appointment the next day. if i decide to make friends online, they wont want to befriend a stranger they have a window of a few hours each month to chat with. i can completely forget about irl friends. i have no ability to follow through on anything or to fix my life. fuck.

That sounds awful, I'm sorry you have to go through this. No one should have to go through this kind of intrasystem abuse. Let me repeat: no one should have to go through this. Your headmates should be making room to include you where they can, they should be respecting your decisions, they should be listening to your desires and helping to make this life as bearable (or, dare I say, enjoyable) as possible, even if you don't front often. Your headmates are in the wrong for their lack of respect and lack of support towards you.

For the limited time you have to front – perhaps you could try grounding techniques to begin fronting for longer periods of time? When we do those occasionally, it can help our fronters stay in front for longer, especially when we start feeling blurry or switchy. You may also wish to look into hobbies you can pick up or put down whenever, like writing or reading short stories, or maybe video games on your computer (emulators are great for this, though I do have to stick within the law when I give advice, so *clears throat* be aware that using, say, Pokémon ROMs with your emulators is a terrible, awful, horrible, horrendous thing to do as it's illegal, and pay no attention to how it may help with dysphoria to be referred to as a woman and see yourself as a woman within the game.

For friends – I think there may be more out there who would be supportive and willing to go along with the limited time you have to talk than you think. You don't have to start a friendship "naturally"; you could make an advertisement post asking for friends who would be okay with only being able to talk occasionally! I (accidentally, it's a whole story) made a post like that some years ago, and ended up having many chats with someone I think I still follow on Tumblr! I see plenty of folks out there who are perfectly fine with having friends they can't speak to on a regular or predictable basis. This door of opportunity is not yet locked shut.

While this isn't a total fix for your dreams being distant, perhaps getting into academia aesthetics (which may also help give you a sense of community) and studying your passions on your own could help? You may be limited, but with a notebook, access to the internet, and occasional visits to the library, you can carve out some studies in what you like rather than what your body/headmates are "officially" studying.

I almost want to say "let me at 'em" at your headmates, because the way they're treating you isn't acceptable at all. Don't think this situation is your fault for a second. Just because they have their own issues doesn't mean they get a pass to completely ignore yours. I am so, so sorry that you have to go through this, and I hope they get their heads out of their asses and realize this is not appropriate behavior towards anyone. Jfc. Miss, feel free to throw them at me if you want me to rip into them for their behavior. You don't fucking do that shit to your headmates.

Please note that I don't say this next bit to diminish how you feel about not getting a lot of time to front. It does suck to only be able to have a portion of an outerworld life, especially if you don't have an innerworld life. But you not fronting that often is not an excuse to not help or accommodate you, because a couple days a month is a lot more often than some of us front, and we still do our best to listen to each other!! You only being able to front for a few times a month is not an excuse to lock you out of decision making and refuse to listen to you when there are systems like ours, who have headmates pop up again after years and still get offered the chance to make their own decisions, even if they don't stick around to see the results. Your headmates' jerk (*cough* abusive) behavior is not your fault. You are not asking for too much. Asking to be listened to, to be given a voice, to have opportunities to be happy in your body and live your life to the fullest – none of these are "too big" requests, no matter how little or how often you front.

It's okay to grieve. It's okay to feel upset, especially in a position like yours. Let yourself feel it – and then do something to bring yourself contentment, if not joy. Let it come in waves, but make sure you're not always in the ocean. Just because the grief of the life you could have lived is strong and needs to be acknowledged doesn't mean you can't achieve happiness, whether that's now or in the future. Hold onto that hope.

I feel for you and all you're going through. Don't give up and don't let them get to you; they're in the wrong and they should know that. Keep fighting for the right to be yourself, my fair lady – that's always a right worth fighting for.

[anipgarden]

Ani Reviews: Hellstrip Gardening

Alrighty homies here's another Informal Book Review. This is the second time I've done a book review, but I hope this is helpful!

[Photo ID: a book, titled "Hellstrip Gardening: Create a paradise between the sidewalk and the curb" by Evelyn J. Hadden (Author of Beautiful No-Mow Yards) With photographs by Joshua McCullough, Foreword by Lauren Springer Ogden]

Out of the seven books I checked out from the library this round, I picked this one second because not only was I looking forward to the read, but so were some friends in my gardening server! Its one of, if not the longest book in the stack--the main contents are 279 pages total--but its definitely well worth the read! You can see where I live blogged it here.

The inspiration and energy in this book is potent! By the time I finished reading the foreword and the introduction, I was already dreaming up new gardening projects to work on next spring, and that energy stayed up all the way until the end! It definitely helps that the photos in this book are absolutely gorgeous! Seriously, even if you aren't wanting to make a front yard garden, I'd recommend this book for cool garden photos alone! This is another one of those books that's way more relevant if you're the home owner, or a landscaper (or just got permission from your parents to do some front yard gardening), but even still so much of the advice in this book is great for just about any kind of gardening as well! Between beautiful photos of front yard gardens others have already done, tons of encouragement and advice on how to handle anything from trees to poor soils to outdated laws and HOA boards, and a deluge of plant recommendations for different grow zones and purposes, it's definitely a valuable resource!

After the introduction, this book is separated into four major sections referred to as Parts. There's Inspirations, Situations, Creation, and Curbside-Worthy Plants. If you're looking for ideas on what a converted yard can look like, Inspirations and Creation is the place to go. If you're unsure how to do so with any specific circumstances you may be facing, Situations is the section for you. So on and so forth. All in all, between the gorgeous photos, and the amazing content, this was a fairly quick read for me!

I will say, this is a book aimed directly for gardeners in the US. While some of the general advice might be good for people abroad, at the end of the day its a book written in an American perspective for gardeners in America. That being said, it focuses on America as a whole--so if you're hoping for a dedicated section on how to do what you want in your state specifically, you might get lucky, you might get unlucky. I know the example garden for my state wasn't anything I'd be excited about, meanwhile there's three sample gardens for Minnesota (two in Minneapolis) and there's only twelve sample gardens in the book! Also, if you're looking for a book to tell you to only ever use native plants in your garden, this isn't the one--the book will eagerly encourage you use native plants, and will implore you to remove any invasive plants that may be on your property, but is also more than welcome to recommending well behaved non-native plants. Let it be known that I don't think this is a problem at all! But if you're picky about that, I'm just letting that be known.

Oh and also one final note. The book is called Hellstrip Gardening, and it does talk about hellstrips, but it doesn't only talk about hellstrips. A good chunk of the example gardens don't even have hellstrips. This book talks plenty about full yard transformation! Which I find fantastic and enlightening! If you're looking for a book that's only about hellstrips, though, this isn't it.

All in all, this is an amazing book with amazing photos, 10/10 could probably show to someone to get them to see the light of front yard gardens.

[blueamphibians]

My moms brand of homophobia is the only kind i will ever accept. Its so weirdly wholesome.

Despite her being hardcore christian, she actually never bought up LGBTQ stuff to me and my sister--not in the "its taboo" way, but in the "i am more focused on instilling proper morals in my children and LGBTQ stuff isn't even on my radar."

So obv that meant i had a super positive exposure to it when i found out, because no-one had ever told me it was bad. I found out gay people existed and went "makes sense" and moved on yk?

But back to her homophobia: She lives by a very strong rule of "its not my place to judge them, it's gods," so while she does think being LGBTQ is against the bible, she also doesn't think its her place to comment.

She DOES however think that its her place to be gracious to everybody because God is going to judge HER too, at the end. So this brings me to my favorite story ab her, right.

So our country is VERY conservative to the point where being LGBTQ can get you quietly fired or in extreme cases deported. The place she works regularly flies in staff from abroad though, and they're usually highly LGBTQ-friendly.

So my mom comes home one day, more stressed than usual, and i ask her whats up. And she goes "I had to warn one of the abroad staff not to talk about gender studies with the locals here", and i got prissy and went "why? because its wrong?" and she looked at me and went "No, because they're being nice to his face but what if they go and say something behind his back?"

Like her first instinct was to protect this man who didn't realize just what the environment here was like. And then she drove him around the city trying to help him find a touristy gift for his husband and even suggested different places to try even though she didn't have too.

Like sure my mom is homophobic but her morals clash so STRONGLY with the ideas of hate that she ends up being an ally. I lowkey came out to her one day by going "what would you do if i liked girls"

and she said "well. Id be sad because its wrong and I want you to go to heaven."

and i said "but how would you treat my wife? would you be nice to her?"

and she went "well, yes, of course--" and i went "what if i don't think its wrong?" and she went "well i cant force you but id like if you read the bible more :("

its worth noting that she was so uncomfortable during this conversation, which was so surreal for her, that she started cry laughing in the coffee shop because i was being really intense.

My mother is homophobic but shes also tolerant and so fucking kind and yk those are the kinds of people i can coexist with. She's the kind of person to see a gay coworker get fired and get upset, not because he's gay, but because her workplace had the audacity to fire somebody so experienced.

All this to say: I love my mom.

Side note, my roommate is homophobic (i don't blame her, and its not like shes doing harm) and I'm actually really open to being friends with her because shes kind as fuck and tactful. So yeah, its nice to coexist i guess

EDIT: also. My mom is like, really bad at being homophobic. Like she "knows" its wrong, but she gets really confused when she tries to explain why. And she doesn't actually...do anything homophobic. She sees men in heavy makeup and goes "wow....his eyeshadow is so good..." and then Side Eyes Me

idk. Shes a really good person. The only people I've seen her go "they should be harmed" about is like, r*pists and shit. Doubling down: I love my mom.

[mithliya]

mena im soo lonely. all of my friends basically never try to involve me in anything and are always hanging out with guys, theyre all bi but they only really ever date and talk about guys, they make me feel like im an ugly man weirdo (even though im feminine. i just don't wear makeup really)

i soo badly just want lesbian or gay friends bc i really struggle to feel understood currently. rn im a teen and im scared my loneliness will only get worse as i go into adulthood.

did you ever experience something similar and how were you able to get gay/lesbian friends? 💜

yeah ive had moments in university and school where i basically felt quite othered bc my female friends would often talk about guys and their crushes and male celebs etc and that didnt interest me so id either disconnect or (sth i did as a child) id invent stuff to try to fit in but i felt somewhat uncomfortable n different bc of it regardless. BUT i can at least tell u that finding gay & lesbian friends is not at all impossible, u meet 1 gay man or 1 lesbian and suddenly u end up meeting more n more bc they also tend to have their own gay & lesbian friends. even end up finding bi people who aren't so OSA-centric.

im not sure if it'll help u at all but. when i was in school, most of my friend group coincidentally turned out to either be gay or bi. in my female friend group: 1 turned out to be bi, 1 turned out to be a lesbian (& they were the ones i was closest to as well), and then from my male friends 2 turned out to be gay men. we didnt consciously know of each other's sexualities but i think we somehow subconsciously knew and connected w each other based on being semi-outcasts and different without knowing/admitting exactly how we are different. after school, at uni, i did go through about 2 years where most of my friends were het. i was living abroad and i noticed that in a lot of the west, ppl tend to only want to be friends w people of similar ethnic/racial/cultural backgrounds so my friends mostly ended up being muslim women (which was unusual for me lol. ik its odd since i grew up in a muslim country but most of my friends were not religious or weren't even muslim at all). i did have 1 friend, a bahraini gay man, who i knew through a woman i had a thing with. he was coincidentally going to the same uni as me. she introduced us and we became close friends. one of the muslim women i was friends with also ended up coming out to me as bi (she dated women briefly at first then ended up in relationships w men tho). there were several lesbians on radblr who lived in the same area as me and invited me into their group & bc of that i ended up having a lesbian friend group in the UK. wed go to lesbian events together which was fun! then in germany, i befriended the obviously gay guy in my german class bc i wanted to make friends in the country & he seemed cool. he introduced me to some other bi & gay people but i never rly became friends with them. my gf also introduced me to several lesbians & my aunt (an activist working for an LGBT org) also introduced me to several bisexuals, gay men & lesbians, many of whom i ended up befriending. so for me most of it was through other people, often women im dating or gay friends i have.

[lushlagoon]

unposted from 090624

Today was my last day of undergrad class. I am still in London, and my parents arrive tonight and we will go to Paris together tomorrow morning. I had two interviews last night for jobs I dont want.

I was sat in the kitchen of our study abroad office writing my last final essay ever, looking through my girlfriends tagged instagram photos from summer 2023. she looked to happy and free and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the fleeting of time. I will never have another "free summer". I started crying and had snot dripping down my face.

its reminding me of high school. how I had just started feeling like a real teenager, doing bad things and being loud with my friends. covid happened and I couldn't see any of them, it was like this thing I had been building up in my head my entire life was gone and im still waiting for it. I told my parents I didnt want to go to prom because I was scared of covid, but it was really because I couldn't face the concept of people realizing how fat id gotten.

im accidentally doing the same thing to myself again in college, expecting 4 years but only getting 3. I dont know why I did this to myself and I wish I had given myself more time. I just wish I had had one summer, free, with my friends just having fun. thats what high school was supposed to be. I kind of had that after covid but idk, I loved it but there was supposed to be more. im really grateful for what I had.

I am excited to return to my friends that I consider lifelong but I worry I shouldn't hold onto them so tight. maybe I am making up this connection and it isn't real.

I dont think I have felt anything fully since I started dating my last boyfriend. he would drive me home and I would feel angry and sad like a little kid. maybe I will start feeling things again soon.

my professor ended class in a heartbreakingly sentimental way. he said "life is about running out of time, and we have run out of time". im tearing up thinking about it. I dont want to run out of time.

I did abbey road with Serena this day. it was fun.

im scared of being an adult and having to work. I will freak out when im back in San Diego and unemployed and all my friends are in school. I will freak out when im back in San Diego and employed and all my friends are in school. I need to chill.

[girltomboy]

Been having nice days since the days have started getting longer (not by much but I've been daylight starved for so long I can definitely perceive the change) and it's been sunny all week here. Work is also fine although we're gonna be overwhelmed again soon but I think we're managing alright. I like my routine, but I wish I had more energy to do stuff after work; I feel like I have time but I'm too drained and just need to sit for a while afterwards. Which is odd because I already sit all day, right? Even if I don't feel like taking a nap, so like I'm not totally exhausted, but mentally I feel like I need to sit.

Last night was the second night in a row in which I dreamed of my church friend (who's a mega buff gymhead punk butch now 😍) and even though I often think about her it's odd to be suddenly dreaming of her so much now, since we don't have any means of contact. She lives abroad and is a visual arts student now, and I've been hesitant to add her on social media, can't really articulate why though. However, I've had periods of time during which I felt heavily and unexplainably drawn to a potential reconnection with her. But anyway, the other night I dreamt I was with her and we were running down a village street where there were some dogs too. At some point we ended up in a stranger's house, and we somehow tricked him and locked him in one of his rooms. I was super stressed though, my backpack with personal belongings and ID was in another room, and for some reason I was too scared to come out of the room I was already in, even though the house owner was now contained. I was afraid there would be more people in the house, or that he would somehow escape. My buddy was pretty chill though, and she was plotting and scheming something I know nothing about because I don't remember much anymore lol. At some point the house owner somehow poked his leg through the door and we started trying to come up with a strategy to solve this issue, and we were getting closer and closer to the idea of straight up hurting him. That was an awful dream, I think I even woke up because of it.

Last night I had another dream involving her, this time I think she was organizing an event at church. She was nervous about something as far as I can remember, and I was trying to comfort her and make sure things are in order to ease her mind a little. An interesting detail is that in my first dream she looked the way she used to; with long amber brown hair, whereas in the second dream her look was closer to her current one, with short dark hair. And in the first dream I was the nervous/scared one, while in the second dream she was more on edge and I was the calm one.

[strawberrycutiepie]

time to be depressed or have existential crisis every now and then… also i just don’t understand how i can continue to work in any setting and be mentally stable and happy. i really don’t understand.

I know Madrid is a city and I’m not really a city girl I think? it’s weird and contradictory but I feel like I’m a social and extroverted person that needs go out but I also want to live a very quiet, peaceful, slow life. Where no pressures of anything whether career, social, financial, etc.

idk if living abroad would be a temporary healing for my sanity and give me a will to live but fuck. thinking about studying construction to end up back here in daa makes me want to die. like I might actually die. I wish I didn’t think so much. maybe id be happier and probably accomplish more things.

back to reality aka need to find a will to live again lol. or back to reality aka what the fuck am i going to do with my life and the least amounts of pressures or decisions or tasks makes me want to crumble and leave absolutely everything behind. i might be the most fragile person to exist.

[sandboxer]

hiii 1, 7, 17, 24, and 25 for the ask game 🤍

thank you kindly for the ask!

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

I write in 11pt arial font bc it's the default google docs font but anything sans serif works for me, serif fonts are harder to think in

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

I very much write without a plan, so whenever I can manage to make two disparate plot points come together it is always 1) accidental and 2) a great moment of serendipity. when things just kind of coalesce and I have that aha moment of how everything works together it's a very rewarding feeling

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

all I can provide here is: Larry truly, deeply believes it isn't gay as long as the balls don't touch

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

I do absolutely zero prep work LMAO I open up a google doc and ask where we landing boys and start writing

no but actually, the extent of my prep is really maybe about two sentences long-- I come up with the premise, maybe a thing or two I expect to happen, and then I write. I very much don't have any sort of outline or intended ending when I start out.

I used to outline fics in-depth, but more recently I've found that the most fun part of writing for me is discovering the plot as I go and sort of letting the characters write the fic themselves. I feel like a lot of my fics end up "plotless" because of it, but the trade-off is that I get to write a lot of conversations/interactions that ring true to me and the text rather than serving to drive the story toward a particular end (if that makes sense)

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

Edgeworth has, much to his own chagrin, a forged passport and ID for while he's abroad in Germany, courtesy of a vk family friend. it's necessary because of a certain website's account policy :)

[sometimesrosy]

Hello Rosy, how have you been? I’m from a small country (Portugal) and currently reside in a small town seaside town. Life is pretty good but I feel like something is lacking. While I was studying, I lived in the capital and enjoyed being there. My whole family is from there, including my mom, but to work reasons she’s been residing in this small town even before I was born. I had plans to stay in Lisbon, but fell in love during university with a friend from small town, so I ended up staying. Everything was fine, I didn’t really think twice about it. My partner doesn’t really like Lisbon or the fast life that comes with it. With time, we’ve talked about going abroad, so we could broaden our horizons, but bf isn’t even up to leaving this small town of ours. I understand it’s unfair of me to ask him to leave his whole life behind, but he’s a low-paying job that he doesn’t love, and has no family that keeps him here (his mom died a few years ago, sadly). We’ve been together for 5 years, even bought a house together, but I’ve been feeling more and more dissatisfied with my life. I don’t know exactly what’s missing, but I don’t want to be here much longer. I also don’t want to go to Lisbon. When I think of moving abroad, I think of somewhere like Berlin. Lately we’ve been talking a lot with a friend that came from New York after living there for 30 years. Unknowingly to me, I’ve been having this urge of maybe moving to the United States would be a good idea. The people who sold the house to us also went to live in the States, in Massachusetts. I’ve been thinking maybe New York is too much right away, but Detroit and Boston seem like amazing options. I don’t need to have a dream job. Having studied Translation, I’m not even sure what Id do there. But I do feel like some change is necessary. I definitely do not want to give up on my amazing relationship, but we’ve been talking about this for years and all he tells me is “you go first, then maybe I’ll follow”, meaning it’s a possibility Id give up on him all together and I don’t want that, he’s my life. I guess my question is, if there’s any hope that one day we might eventually move, or, if he’s so against it, I might as well just erase that idea and try to be content with spending the rest of my life here.

May I just add that he shields himself over the idea of going abroad by saying that everyone he knows that has gone abroad has come back and say they much prefer being here, including the friend who came from New York. However, that friend loved New York, and decided to come back to his town because he felt like he needed a change. So yes, he shields himself with that, no matter how many times I tell him if we don’t like it we can always come back here. We’d still have a house and family.

+++

If you're really not happy being where you are, you need to talk honestly with your boyfriend about it. It seems that he is not really interested in a wild adventure without any sort of security in another country. Which is fair. Maybe that's why he says he would follow you if you went first. He wants a place to start from. An anchor.

IDK. This seems to be a choosing point. A dividing place in life. You honestly seem to need to go and try someplace new, even though you don't know if it will work out and be what you want in the end and you like having the safety net of your hometown. He doesn't sound like he wants to go, but he is leaving the door open for you to do what you need, and if that works out and it needs to happen, he might follow you. Although maybe not? Maybe if you leave it would mean ending the relationship later if not sooner.

This is not an easy decision you have ahead of you. It seems like you have to give up one for the other... at least give up the comfortable relationship at home for an unsettled and uncertain one while you adventure.

I can't give you a way to have them both because it seems simply that you want to go and he doesn't. I've never had a long distance relationship but I've heard it's pretty hard. Maybe it will be too hard for you and you will want to come home after giving another country a chance. IDK. I can't read the future. I can't tell you that your old life will even be waiting for you if you discover you want to come home or your boyfriend will eventually follow if you love life in another country.

But if you don't go, I don't think you'll be happy. I think you'll always feel the need to try a new place and perhaps a resentment that your boyfriend kept you from going.

Tough choices my friend. No easy answers.

[thedrakesteelforge]

明けましておめでとうございます!!!

Happy New year!

We now have 365 days of 2023, We will probably spend half of them still writing 2022 though.

So, This post is going to be a little run down of my year, so I can reflect on my behaviour, attitude, and progress to help myself figure out any new years resolutions. Maybe I can figure out what i need to change to become the person i want to be.

So, The easiest way I can think of is to write the most notable things down each month however, I have forgotten so much of this year. All of the mundane days have faded away. Throughout the year I have had my good days and bad days. these are unavoidable.

January

At the beginning of the year, my grandmother passed away. She was a huge part of my life. she raised me since I was very young.

After her passing, I was only allowed a few days off work to grieve, while someone else in the company got over a month off to grieve for someone that passed in their family. This made me realise, this is not a company I want to keep working for. I'm sure of that.

However, I feel like I was an emotional support pillar for my family. We did become closer during this time. I was the one that broke the news to other members of the family. 

I think my grandma would be proud of that if she saw me.

February

After my grandmother's funeral, I remembered all of the conversations I had with her. My dreams, goals and desires. she was always so supportive, however, for months prior I wasn't doing anything to even achieve these dreams. I wasn't saving money or teaching myself anything I needed to know.

I took a long hard look at myself. These conversations and emotions wouldn't go to waste. so I started saving and studying.

As the new year is upon me. I am proud to say, I have saved and surpassed the minimum required to move abroad. I also have been more or less consistent in my studying.

March

to be truthful I don't remember much of March. I checked my camera roll and noticed this was the month I met my online friend in Newcastle. 

I showed her around the city, we had a nice time and we planned for me to visit London.

I believe around the end of this month I fucking finally opened up my TEFL courses and started working on them.

April

At the beginning of the month, I finally finished my TEFL course and was awarded a certificate. I can now teach English to people abroad. 

A big victory. this made me realise... I was just heavily procrastinating. I wonder what I could do if I just put my 100% into something, because, Jesus... I think I only put about 50% on most days. 

Towards the end of the month, I visited London. This was the first time I had travelled so far from home by myself. I had an amazing time and saw some great places and id love to go there again.

During May, I successfully went to the gym 10 times. it's not a lot, but it was consistent in the first half of the month. I did abandon it for a few weeks before continuing it again in May. 

May

Conversations with my online friend quickly died after my trip to London. it seemed like we both lacked the interest to spend the money to visit each other again. She had her plans and I wanted to save.

June / July

for these 2 months, I honestly can't think of anything significant that happened. if something did happen then, I'm sorry about that event but.. well... be more eventful.

I continued a somewhat decent activity in the gym but it quickly fell for the coming months. Although I haven't been working out, I haven't gained a considerable amount of weight. I am currently at 76kg so at most that's a 3kg increase.

August

This year my friends didn't forget my birthday. I usually don't celebrate it because my friends are busy. However this year, I went drinking with my friends and stayed over at theirs. 

I got blackout drunk.. that usually doesn't happen. I don't remember leaving the bar and my next memory is vomiting at their house.. so good night I guess. 

September

Another unremarkable month. However, after a few conversations with my friend. I opened my mind to other ways to study languages and took a leaf out of his book and started online classes.

on the 15th, I had my first class with an online teacher. I was super nervous but we have had consistent classes since then and I have noticed some good improvements.

October

erm... well... I'm sure something happened. but other than studying and working. I can't remember or find anything significant that happened this month. Sorry, October.

November

I had been applying for English jobs abroad and got an interview. I was super happy! after the interview, they said to contact them if I didn't hear back within 2 weeks.

I didn't hear back for 2 weeks so I emailed them. they didn't get back to me for over a month. I didn't get the job but they were still looking for something for me as each placement came up.

Not a no, but not a yes either.

December

Christmas! the first one without my grandmother. I have to say, the grief is almost none existent now. Things that remind me of her don't bring tears or make me feel sad. I currently use the unfinished scarf she made me and I feel okay. 

However, I feel like I am struggling to relate to my family's persistent emotions. I believe I kept my emotions to myself to not bother those around me, however, those around me don't try to do the same.

My grandfather and I made the Christmas dinner. the first roast dinner this year and.. fuck it was nice! too many dishes to wash but it was so good.

In regards to my studying, I have been using a website with 1000 words and I got to 420 :D. 

Conclusion

Although there have been some major things this year, I don't feel like I have done many things to warrant a particular month being memorable (for good reasons). a majority of days have been mundane. although unavoidable, next year I want to make each month have something worth remembering.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't let my conversations with my grandma go to waste. And so far, I kept that promise. Not only did I start and keep studying, and finish my qualification, I got lessons, saved up enough, AND I applied for jobs. If I can be proud of anything it should be this.

I have worked for another year at my company. I'm not as bitter or angry now, but I am still resolute in my decision to leave within the next 4 months. I just need something else.

Procrastination. My biggest issue. It almost feels like general disinterest in doing things. even ones I enjoy. Currently, I'm avoiding a game I enjoy because I don't have the time to binge-play 6 hours of it in one day. 

only giving 50% - I don't think I give my all to anything I do. some days I work hard at work, others I give my usual 50%. when I study I get distracted and spend way longer than I need to. 

depressive episodes - I notice when I start feeling down. I become super indecisive, I stop cooking, and finding something to eat is a chore. games are less fun, I stop talking to my friends. it is much easier to just sit and let life pass me by as I stare at my computer screen watching youtube on x2 speed. even the videos I watch I don't care about. All while hating each moment because I know I can do something about it. it's just easier not to.

The resolutions

My resolutions need to be something realistic, tangible, goal orientated and something I can do consistently. Each is to tackle an issue I think I should overcome. 

In no particular order

Read more - This includes audiobooks. In December I started reading the books I own. So I challenge myself to finish them all.

Study every day - there is so much to learn, keep learning. Don't stop. Languages, Coding, Marketing, Streaming, Study something.

Exercise on days off work - working out at home is still a workout. Get it done. Use the walk to the gym to listen to an audiobook.

Stop talking - I feel the need to always be talking about something at work. I don't like silence, so I need to learn to embrace it.

Give my all to things that deserve it - I need to put effort into the things that will enhance my life. Games and tv shows won't. An hour or two per day is enough.

Keep my room clean - Easy, keep it clean

Get to Japan. All this hard work has to lead somewhere.

Don't be harmless - I need to stand up for myself. listen, think, then speak and get your point across. Become an authority figure you would listen to.

Where will I be in 365 days, if I focus on completing each of these goals. I think i'd love the person i'd become.

[yamken]

/

[remarkable-ghost]

it’s summertime and you know what that means

[justplainwhump]

Stalling

Tara’s story - II

[Part I] [Masterpost (Tara)] [Masterpost (Malia)]

In the hands of the General, Tara tries to stall the interrogation. Doesn’t work too well for her.  

This is an adapted RP; the excellent mean man General was written by @whumping-newbie.

Content / warning: Military whump, female protagonist, light torture, cigarette burns, noncon kissing, choking, vague fear of noncon, short comment on Americans abroad.

"Ms McKenzie." There's a barely veiled threat in the way General says my name, built up in front of where I’m bound to that wooden chair. His hands are clasped behind his back, a confident smirk pulling at his lips. As if it was an effort to read my press ID card. 

For a second, I want to address him with his own name, too. But the less he thinks I know, the better. "This is a misunderstanding, Sir" I say firmly, answering in English. "I'm a journalist. A civilian. I am sorry if my presence on that roof caused a disturbance. I wanted a look at the demonstrations."

"The demonstrations that are streets away from us?" His English is flawless. "If you wanted a look at the demonstrations, you wouldn't have been so far from the action, would you, little miss Lois Lane? You would have been at the consulate. You would have been interviewing protesters."

I would've. Of course I would.

"I promised someone at home not to take risks," I say, looking straight at him. "I know I'm not at home in America. I stay away from political news. So I don't end up in -" I look down at my bonds pointedly. "- critical situations."

"Indeed." He smirks. "So here is what I want to know, and what you are going to tell me. You had a camera. I know you did, because I saw it. If it was not a sniper rifle, it was a camera. You were photographing me and my soldiers. Something that, in case you didn't know, is a crime here in Morocco. I want to know where that camera is." 

I can't lie with everything. I can't protect myself. I just have to keep Rabia safe. 

"My phone," I say quietly. "I took a picture with my phone, because I saw your uniform and wanted to find out what it means and who you are, I... I usually cover sports, I don't know much about the military. I was curious."

"Hm." He cocks his head. "So where did you put your phone then?" 

He closes the distance between us, leans in close to my face, and rests his hands on her bound arms, before he repeats. "Where on the roof is your phone?"

The roof. Rabia is still there. I can’t let him go there, can’t let the men spend too much time there. 

"It's not on the roof. I think it's not, I... It fell when you started yelling. I was afraid you'd shoot. I..." I bite my bottom lip. "I think it feel over the edge but I don't know, I just tried to get away from your guns."

He nods once, looking at the soldier who accompanied him here.

"Okay then." He switches to Arabic in an instant to address the other man. "Tell your men to check the grounds around the roof for that phone."

I shudder and look away, trying to hide a relieved exhale. He shouldn't know I understand Arabic. He certainly shouldn’t know I want him to search the ground instead of the roof. Rabia will have a chance. I hope she will. 

His hand rests on my shoulder, and before I can look back at him, he gives me a hard shove.

I'm falling, suddenly. The chair is toppling backward, leaving me hanging in the air for what feels a second to long. 

My scream collapses as I crash onto the ground on my back, head slamming into the floor and the world fades out.

-

When I come to, everything is upside down.

I groan in pain. My head is throbbing, my back feels like it's broken. Breathing hurts. Seeing hurts, too. I blink against the light, softly.

He's still there. General Reza Zaydan, standing over me, smoking a cigarette and looking down at me from upside down. I blink again, nauseous.

"Wh... why?", I stammer. "Please, Sir. I... I don't know what you think that I did, but I did not, I... I promise you I'll delete that photo, I'll burn my phone myself once you find it, please."

"Ms McKenzie, you can stop lying to me at any time, you know. Because let me make one thing astoundingly clear to you..."

He crouches down in front of me, grabbing a hold of my hair with one hand and taking a drag with the other. I have to control my breath. I hate to be touched. I hate the way he handles me, I hate the condescending tone in his voice.

"I know that you think you are clever. With your little reporter hovel and miniature studio, you do your homework, I know you do. You know who I am. You know who met me here. And I'd argue that you thought it was clever to photograph our meeting and release it. I am here to tell you that you aren't nearly as smart as you think you are. And for that -"

He pulls my hair tighter, towards him, keeping me in place and once I understand, I can’t even react, before he firmly presses the lit cigarette on my neck.

My vision blanks out. Sharp sudden pain floods me, and I realize I’m screaming, realize that tears have welled up in my eyes. 

He lets go of my hair, my head sinking back against the floor, before he relights the cigarette. "You can consider yourself warned. I have ways of dealing with people who lie to me. Ways that I'm sure you'd be thrilled to get a scoop on. Perhaps I should give you something you can really report on. How about that?"

I'm trembling violently. "I'm not lying," I whisper. My voice comes out weakly, shaking. I hate the sound of it. I take a second to try and stay myself before I open my eyes to look up at him  "You... You can't do this. You can't. I'm American, you're government, you can't torture an American citizen." 

"You Americans are all the same," he says, "thinking that by being American you are afforded special privileges when you are abroad. That the laws of other lands do not apply to you."

He leans in closer and before I understand what he’s doing, his lips are on my skin, his breath hot on the burn mark. I freeze.

I'm bound to the chair, on the ground. Powerless in the face of anything he wants to do to me.

Anything.

His kiss burns more than his cigarette ever could. "Please," I whisper. "Please just let me go, I'll return to my home, I'll never get involved with your laws again."

He chuckles. "Perhaps if you hadn’t been so selfish as to involve yourself in the affairs of another country, you would not be here in the first place."

Suddenly a radio crackles to life. The radio belonging to the other soldier, waiting by the door. The static makes the Arabic harder to understand, but I can make out enough. "No sign of any phone around here. Not on the floor, windows or ledges around that roof. Continuing our search on the roof itself, over." 

The General has tilted his head to listen. He's still too close, the smoke of his cigarette too acrid. I turn my face away good as I can. 

"What you're doing here isn't legal in my home, or in yours," I say quietly, just to keep talking. "The military isn't allowed to arrest and interrogate civilians. We both know that. And we both know that my country will take measures"

"That is correct," He blows the smoke onto my face, and I can’t help but cough against it. I feel nauseous. "Assuming that they find out, of course."

With that, he abruptly stands back up, straightening out his uniform.

"Is there a reason that my men have not found the phone on the ground in or around that building?" 

With his arms folded, he begins pacing around me in a circle. I still can’t move, still bound to the chair that’s laying on the floor.

I close my eyes, trying to imagine I'm just resting. What he said - what he didn't say - confirms it all. He does not intend to let me go. He'll protect whatever it is that we witnessed, and he'll take any measures to that end.

His men are going on the roof next. It should've been enough time for Rabia to get away, but she doesn’t know about the phone. It’ll be there, and they’re going to find it.

I won't get out of this. No need to stall any longer. 

I open an eye to follow him with my gaze. "Is there a reason that you don't want for your little liaison to come public?"

To my surprise, he chuckles, before he replies. "Because that man is the most wanted man in Morocco. Do you not agree that keeping him from the ire of the mob will allow him to stay alive long enough for him to see justice through our court system? Believe me, I do not approve of the actions of that slimy rat. I would love to see him get his comeuppance."

He don't stop moving around me. "I also asked you a question. I answered yours - you answer mine. Is there a reason that we have not found your phone on the ground, hm?"

"I don't remember us having that sort of an understanding." I close my eyes again with a smirk, mentally preparing for a kick to the side. "Maybe your men didn't search good enough."

There’s no kick.

Instead, there’s his hand, wrapping around my throat and pressing down. "You think you're safe in being smart with me, do you?" He’s dropped to his knees next to me, leaning in close to my ear. I can barely listen to him, as I struggle to get oxygen into my lungs. "You can think again right now. I have ways and means of getting information out of people that try to conceal things from me, and I will not hesitate to use those methods. Do you under -"

"Sir, we found it. We found the phone. In an air conditioning unit, we're bringing it to you, over."

His grip is loosening ever so slightly, but his hand stays on my neck, ready to choke again. 

Another static voice speaks now. "We also found evidence of a co-conspirator, General. There's wet footprints up here, fairly recent. I've got men on the trail as we speak."

I can't breathe, even with his choking hold released. Laying on the back, my lungs won't fill, but I can't move, not even roll over to my side.

"Out of the frying pan, and into the fire for you, girl."

"No," I choke out, shaking my head. "Fire... you're the one... in the fire."

He lets go of my throat entirely and after a nod, the soldier appears at over me, grabbing the wooden chair and pulling it upright again. I'm dizzy. The movement has sent my head spinning. At least I can breathe again, and I do, staring at the floor in front of his feet. 

"Brave words for someone who is tied to a chair, in a military facility." The general throws the cigarette butt in the direction of the wall. "We've found your phone. I want to see what is on there, and you are going to let me." 

The found Rabia’s trace, but they don’t know where she went. 

They’ve got my phone, but they're not going to get into it. The phone is PIN-locked, one of the first things I learned. Ignore convenience, as a journalist. Don't lock your phone with biometric patterns, in a way someone could use against your will.

I've done so to protect my contacts for my stories. I've never thought I'd need it to protect my girlfriend's life. 

The only way he can get into my phone is through me. 

I raise my chin to meet his gaze. 

"No," I say softly. "No, I will not."