thedrakesteelforge

[thedrakesteelforge]

明けましておめでとうございます!!!

Happy New year!

We now have 365 days of 2023, We will probably spend half of them still writing 2022 though.

So, This post is going to be a little run down of my year, so I can reflect on my behaviour, attitude, and progress to help myself figure out any new years resolutions. Maybe I can figure out what i need to change to become the person i want to be.

So, The easiest way I can think of is to write the most notable things down each month however, I have forgotten so much of this year. All of the mundane days have faded away. Throughout the year I have had my good days and bad days. these are unavoidable.

January

At the beginning of the year, my grandmother passed away. She was a huge part of my life. she raised me since I was very young.

After her passing, I was only allowed a few days off work to grieve, while someone else in the company got over a month off to grieve for someone that passed in their family. This made me realise, this is not a company I want to keep working for. I'm sure of that.

However, I feel like I was an emotional support pillar for my family. We did become closer during this time. I was the one that broke the news to other members of the family. 

I think my grandma would be proud of that if she saw me.

February

After my grandmother's funeral, I remembered all of the conversations I had with her. My dreams, goals and desires. she was always so supportive, however, for months prior I wasn't doing anything to even achieve these dreams. I wasn't saving money or teaching myself anything I needed to know.

I took a long hard look at myself. These conversations and emotions wouldn't go to waste. so I started saving and studying.

As the new year is upon me. I am proud to say, I have saved and surpassed the minimum required to move abroad. I also have been more or less consistent in my studying.

March

to be truthful I don't remember much of March. I checked my camera roll and noticed this was the month I met my online friend in Newcastle. 

I showed her around the city, we had a nice time and we planned for me to visit London.

I believe around the end of this month I fucking finally opened up my TEFL courses and started working on them.

April

At the beginning of the month, I finally finished my TEFL course and was awarded a certificate. I can now teach English to people abroad. 

A big victory. this made me realise... I was just heavily procrastinating. I wonder what I could do if I just put my 100% into something, because, Jesus... I think I only put about 50% on most days. 

Towards the end of the month, I visited London. This was the first time I had travelled so far from home by myself. I had an amazing time and saw some great places and id love to go there again.

During May, I successfully went to the gym 10 times. it's not a lot, but it was consistent in the first half of the month. I did abandon it for a few weeks before continuing it again in May. 

May

Conversations with my online friend quickly died after my trip to London. it seemed like we both lacked the interest to spend the money to visit each other again. She had her plans and I wanted to save.

June / July

for these 2 months, I honestly can't think of anything significant that happened. if something did happen then, I'm sorry about that event but.. well... be more eventful.

I continued a somewhat decent activity in the gym but it quickly fell for the coming months. Although I haven't been working out, I haven't gained a considerable amount of weight. I am currently at 76kg so at most that's a 3kg increase.

August

This year my friends didn't forget my birthday. I usually don't celebrate it because my friends are busy. However this year, I went drinking with my friends and stayed over at theirs. 

I got blackout drunk.. that usually doesn't happen. I don't remember leaving the bar and my next memory is vomiting at their house.. so good night I guess. 

September

Another unremarkable month. However, after a few conversations with my friend. I opened my mind to other ways to study languages and took a leaf out of his book and started online classes.

on the 15th, I had my first class with an online teacher. I was super nervous but we have had consistent classes since then and I have noticed some good improvements.

October

erm... well... I'm sure something happened. but other than studying and working. I can't remember or find anything significant that happened this month. Sorry, October.

November

I had been applying for English jobs abroad and got an interview. I was super happy! after the interview, they said to contact them if I didn't hear back within 2 weeks.

I didn't hear back for 2 weeks so I emailed them. they didn't get back to me for over a month. I didn't get the job but they were still looking for something for me as each placement came up.

Not a no, but not a yes either.

December

Christmas! the first one without my grandmother. I have to say, the grief is almost none existent now. Things that remind me of her don't bring tears or make me feel sad. I currently use the unfinished scarf she made me and I feel okay. 

However, I feel like I am struggling to relate to my family's persistent emotions. I believe I kept my emotions to myself to not bother those around me, however, those around me don't try to do the same.

My grandfather and I made the Christmas dinner. the first roast dinner this year and.. fuck it was nice! too many dishes to wash but it was so good.

In regards to my studying, I have been using a website with 1000 words and I got to 420 :D. 

Conclusion

Although there have been some major things this year, I don't feel like I have done many things to warrant a particular month being memorable (for good reasons). a majority of days have been mundane. although unavoidable, next year I want to make each month have something worth remembering.

I swore to myself that I wouldn't let my conversations with my grandma go to waste. And so far, I kept that promise. Not only did I start and keep studying, and finish my qualification, I got lessons, saved up enough, AND I applied for jobs. If I can be proud of anything it should be this.

I have worked for another year at my company. I'm not as bitter or angry now, but I am still resolute in my decision to leave within the next 4 months. I just need something else.

Procrastination. My biggest issue. It almost feels like general disinterest in doing things. even ones I enjoy. Currently, I'm avoiding a game I enjoy because I don't have the time to binge-play 6 hours of it in one day. 

only giving 50% - I don't think I give my all to anything I do. some days I work hard at work, others I give my usual 50%. when I study I get distracted and spend way longer than I need to. 

depressive episodes - I notice when I start feeling down. I become super indecisive, I stop cooking, and finding something to eat is a chore. games are less fun, I stop talking to my friends. it is much easier to just sit and let life pass me by as I stare at my computer screen watching youtube on x2 speed. even the videos I watch I don't care about. All while hating each moment because I know I can do something about it. it's just easier not to.

The resolutions

My resolutions need to be something realistic, tangible, goal orientated and something I can do consistently. Each is to tackle an issue I think I should overcome. 

In no particular order

Read more - This includes audiobooks. In December I started reading the books I own. So I challenge myself to finish them all.

Study every day - there is so much to learn, keep learning. Don't stop. Languages, Coding, Marketing, Streaming, Study something.

Exercise on days off work - working out at home is still a workout. Get it done. Use the walk to the gym to listen to an audiobook.

Stop talking - I feel the need to always be talking about something at work. I don't like silence, so I need to learn to embrace it.

Give my all to things that deserve it - I need to put effort into the things that will enhance my life. Games and tv shows won't. An hour or two per day is enough.

Keep my room clean - Easy, keep it clean

Get to Japan. All this hard work has to lead somewhere.

Don't be harmless - I need to stand up for myself. listen, think, then speak and get your point across. Become an authority figure you would listen to.

Where will I be in 365 days, if I focus on completing each of these goals. I think i'd love the person i'd become.

[thedrakesteelforge]

久しぶり！

Long time no see and boi has it been eventful.

Long story short, I'm still in the UK. Although, I have been applying for jobs, i even got an interview. So progress has been made!

I have been taking a lot of Japanese classes and it has been helping a lot. My teacher is amazing and she is super helpful.

Work is super slow, even though it's close to christmas. I hope it gets busier so i have more to do, but not too busy.

My HT account seems to be dead. I dont seem to get many people looking at my profile or new people talking to me.

I have stopped going to the gym... because i'm lazy. I want to go but waking up before it gets light outside is not what i call fun, even though i love the mornings. Doing a bunch of things before it even gets to 11am feels so motivating.

I have started reading a lot more. I have caught up with a lot of manga and i even decided to tackle the books on my shelves. The first one up is Eragon.

Anyway, what was a quick update so you dont think I died or something.

[thedrakesteelforge]

I am so bored!

I used to love video games! as a kid, I used to remember school days passing so slowly as I was excited to get home and play my favourite game at the time. It would be all i'd think about the entire day. As soon as I got home I wouldn't even take my uniform off. just instantly sat on my beanbag and turned the Xbox on. As I got older I still loved games. Even while at university, the summer holidays would be filled with hours of Overwatch and chatting with friends. Compare that to now. It's completely different. It has come to my attention that I don't play games because I enjoy them. I just do it to pass the time. In fact, I'm bored playing them. I don't know what to do when I sit at my PC anymore. Shows and movies are becoming the same. Although, if I am lucky I might find a show I can actually get invested in. But I haven't felt that way for games for a very long time. I recently bought spider-man Remastered on the PC. It was fun to play but as a way to pass the time. It wasn't something I was passionate about. I kind of feel like I'm losing passions and not replacing those I have lost. slowly becoming hollow, with nothing to do but passively wait as the time counts to midnight. I'm 4 days into my holidays and I already miss work. being off is just boring. at least getting shouted at by customers makes the days more eventful than sitting in my room alone all day. I lack passion. I need something that will challenge me, and push me forward because I am sick and tired of my comfort zone. it's not relaxing or fulfilling. It was recently my birthday. I am in my late 20s and I can't keep feeling sorry for myself. I'm no closer to the person I want to be a year later.

[thedrakesteelforge]

Am I my authentic self?

Short answer - No

Long answer - ...

The long answer would require a lot of retrospection, inward thought, and maybe some intensive therapy to help break down my actions, past and present. Although, even without all of that, I'm sure I have an idea of how I am not my authentic self.

First, our past experiences, choices, and interests are the building blocks of who we are, and our authentic self would be who we truly are as a person, regardless of the influence of others, it is an honest representation of you. 

Maybe the title of this post should be "how to be your authentic self" but honestly, I don't know how to answer that. I'm just going to write a few things I have noticed about myself that I wish I dared to change. 

I hate external conflict

I seem pretty firm on keeping my opinion on specific topics to myself. whether it's related to family matters or a colleague asking a simple question, I seem to give either a heavily edited version of my own beliefs on the topic or I'll just agree with them for the most part.

I don't like betraying my beliefs but most of the time I can't be bothered to justify my opinions on things to people I don't care about. Sometimes the environment doesn't fit the conversation or the person seems hostile to that way of thinking. 

an example would be - A person that constantly comments on their weight. They frequently state they will watch their diet, but never seem to change a thing but they noticeably eat too much. They say they look after themselves but think it's ridiculous when a medical professional tells them their hearing is deteriorating but says "How, would they know, there is nothing wrong with me"... I get to the point I know what the answer to my opinion will be so I keep it to myself.

A different example would be, A workplace colleague that is vocal about their political opinions and will frequently use buzzwords that are bullshit. I could speak out about this and insert my own opinion about these things. but I just can't be bothered to deal with it. I know I shouldn't betray my beliefs but sometimes just nodding a long while internally disagreeing is the most optimal solution. 

I think in this day and age where your image and personal identity is paramount, it is very hard to be our authentic selves. Unless you are either, untouchable or incredibly fickle, then your authentic self will offend someone. For those who don't like hurting others or don't like the conflict, it's tough.

The only way to be my authentic self is to become a monster. Dye me with my colours, voice my own opinions, and share my passions. Be me and don't apologies for it. At the end of the day, the people around me see me less than I see myself. I can't keep questioning and censoring myself for the sake of those around me. 

I'm not their parent, and I'm certainly not their therapist. 

I need to be me. 

[thedrakesteelforge]

It's been a while.

久しぶり。。。。

It's been a long time since I posted on here. I pretty much forgot I even used this blog. I'm back to write a post but im not sure if it will be a complete return.

For the past month or so I feel the familiar feeling of a slow mental/emotional decline. It started as the desire for something new and interesting but coupled with the persistent disinterest in things I am used to, food and most forms of entertainment. I scour steam to find a new game to play that will give me the satisfaction of finding something to do that felt fresh and new. But whatever I find, it never feels correct. In the past month, I have only been to the gym once. I enjoy working out but I always seem to forget about it. I stay up late and wake up too tired to go the next day. My diet isn't as healthy as I would like and I am gaining fat. I have even started to drift away from my friends. I rarely go on discord to chat with them. If I do then I am silent a lot since they are busy playing games that I don't play anymore. I think I have completely lost interest in multiplayer games, and maybe all games are next. I avoid texts and messages from people. I used to look forward to chatting with people on my Hello Talk and LINE but now I avoid opening them because I can't be bothered with the interaction. most of the time now it feels like a chore to reply. I'll wait for the longest I can before replying. Usually a day or two. Emotionally, I feel…. weird. I'm not happy or unhappy. even neutral doesn't quite fit how I feel. Maybe emotionally dead? When I am alone there doesn't seem to be much there when I look inwardly. in front of others, I instinctively am happy or appear to be happy and upbeat but I'm not sure if it's an act or if that's genuinely me. In hindsight, it feels similar to how I would act towards customers but less forced. No. Less instinctive, I haven't had a lot of interactions with customers in my life, not as much as talking to others around me in a professional/ socially required environment. Since it came to my attention early that I am on that decline that sometimes can last a year until I usually realise. I want to stop it now before it gets worse. I need to remember "Clean Your Room". Metaphorically and literally, my mind and my room are both a mess. I have cans of pop on my desk and clothes that need put away. Referencing Jordan Peterson reminded me of the Self Authoring programme he does. I'll look into it and see what I find.

[thedrakesteelforge]

The Spark

Have you ever have that feeling deep inside your chest? The one that feels like the beginning of something? The one that, if nurtured, it could help you move mountains and fix your entire life in one single evening… You just need to nurture it, like the tiny spark that comes from the strike off a flint and steel.

That one.

Today, I felt this spark deep within my chest and it was due to imagining myself in an ideal situation. Relaxing on the balcony of a somewhat cheap apartment, enjoying the sun setting while I look over the view of a Japanese town.

When I was younger and ridiculously passionate about moving abroad without any real plan. I would look and homes and apartments to rent in different places around Japan. It was fun and amazingly motivated, but eventually, I did it too much, and I stopped focusing on the things that really mattered. Working to make the dream true.

Today I briefly went on the same website to show my friend the housing plans of flats in Japan, and found myself looking at super expensive places to rent. We also looked at some reasonably priced apartments within my potential price range.

This created a sensation in my chest, the spark of motivation I haven't felt for years. The one that would make me open up my textbook and study. However, I lacked structure and consistency. Some weeks I would study for hours, never play games, or watch tv shows. Then I would stop and boom, my routine is ruined and I forget to study consistently and let the embers of motivation die.

so, what am I going to do now? Realistically I'm just happy I can still feel that spark in me. I haven't felt it for so long. The next thing I need to do is learn to drive. Once I have that, then I am free to apply for jobs in Japan and start planning my move.

I am the only thing holding me back. I can't blame anything else.

[thedrakesteelforge]

The Elite

Why the fuck is Elite Dangerous so addictive man! The fuck. I just keep mining to earn more money to upgrade my ship so I can spend more time mining.

[thedrakesteelforge]

Post Trip Sadness

Today is the last day of my holiday. I came back from London on Tuesday and I had such a good time. Although now I feel sad. 

The trip breakdown. 

Friday 22/04

I woke up early to get to Newcastle ready for my departure at 11:40. I got a Chai latte while waiting and eventually boarded the train. 

It was the longest journey I have been on 3 hours and 10 minutes. Once arriving at Kings Cross station, I had already made a plan of what I would do. My friend didn't finish work until 17:00 so had to keep myself busy. I decided to travel to the hotel alone and figure out the trains.

I found my way to St Pancras International and got the train to Greenwich. After a 15 minute walk, I got to the hotel. Dropped off my bags and rested. After a while, I left and headed back for the train to travel back to Kings Cross where I was meeting my friend.

Once there I got some food from Greggs and waited around. After walking some I spotted a seat outside the station and went to sit down. I noticed a woman sitting a few meters away but didn't pay much attention. As I was about to sit I heard her shout something but didn't notice she was talking to me until she told me to go fuck myself for trying to sit close to her. Okay, weird lady.

I stood around awkwardly for over an hour until my friend arrived. It was a slightly awkward meeting, I didn't know if I could hug her or not. We were very comfortable the last time we met but I wasn't sure this time.

Now I think this is a good time to mention something. This friend of mine is more than a friend. When we were in Newcastle, things happened and we became more than friends. Not a couple though… more like FWB I guess you say.

We talked a few days after meeting and both agreed that long-distance is hard. With her enjoying travelling and wanting to meet new people, and me who wants to move abroad. It doesn't create a suitable environment to nurture a relationship.

Little did I know I was already catching feelings for her. I didn't notice yet.

We walked down the river towards Camden and didn't stop talking about random things. I popped into a shop to pick something up then we went to the market and had a look around. By this time most of the places were closing. So we decided to head back. This is when I noticed something. She had a bruise on her neck that looked like a love bite. She had just been travelling and it unexpectedly sent my mind down a rabbit hole. My mood dropped and I didn't know what to do. This is when I started to notice my feelings for her.

We travelled to the hotel and I started trying to set up Netflix for us on the TV using a Chrome Cast. Still with my mind in a rabbit hole. Eventually, she mentioned it herself, she talked about allergies and being itchy. Apparently, she did it herself due to her allergies. I'm not sure if it's true or not but I have no right to judge. Do I believe her? I don't think it matters. I'm not her boyfriend, I have no right to stop her no matter what my feelings are. This thought calmed down any anxiety I had and my mind somewhat came out of the rabbit hole.

After chatting we went to a Chinese to get food, My appetite was awful that day. I just got a bag of spring rolls, but they were really good spring rolls!

Sharing a bed my friend went to sleep early, tired from work and walking around. I however stayed awake for a while longer playing on my phone. While in bed I love cuddling, it makes me feel so good and happy. Not knowing how we were I didn't know if I could touch her or not, so I went to sleep. 

Sometime during the night, it was way too warm, but in my half-asleep state, I just broke through the touch barrier and cuddled into her. She moved back and cuddled into me too. 

Saturday 23/04

We awoke around 9:00 and just lay in bed for a while and cuddled. We organised our plan for the day but still lay in bed quite lazily. 

Things somehow spiralled and got heated quick. We kissed and one thing lead to another. After things finished we got dressed, I got dressed in my more formal clothing for the trip, My suit jacket, black jeans, a white T-shirt and some brown shoes. All for the final event for today.

We left the hotel later than expected so didn't get to see all of the Wallace collection as I wanted... I'm not complaining though! The morning was great and the Wallace Collection was amazing. So much armour and amazing pieces of artwork.

We wandered around London and visited a department store with lots of LEGO and stuff, went to Pret A Manger, then wandered some more. After many hours of wandering, it got dark and we went to the final train stop and ate food at a KFC. Then walked to the Sky Garden.

Freezing cold, we waited outside until 22:15. We entered and up to the 35th floor, we went. The view was amazing! I had never seen anything as fantastic as that view. 

We walked around the top floor taking pictures until our seat was ready. After sitting down and ordering the first rounds of drinks, we just sat, cuddled and talked for ages. We watched everyone dancing on the floor. The elderly, although stiff as a board still enjoyed as much as they could. While I and my friend were talking we noticed a "couple" on their first date were on the floor dancing. However, the girl looked completely disinterested. The guy looked like a 25-year-old Boris Johnson... soo. Yeah.

After the second round of drinks and more conversation and pictures, it was time to leave.

We headed back down into the cold 12:00 air of London. I misread the times for the train so we had to wait for a while for the bus to turn up. It was around 1:00 by the time we actually got on the bus. It was Packed! "what the hell" I was thinking. We couldn't even sit together it was so busy.

Eventually, we could sit together and enjoy the rest of the journey before returning to the hotel and heading straight to sleep.

Sunday 24/04

We woke up early since today we had to pack our stuff ready to change the hotel. This morning also got spicy, but we didn't leave it too late to pack all of our stuff. 

The plan for today was to travel to the new hotel, drop our stuff off and go to The British Museum. 

We packed our stuff, checked out and hopped on the train. The Journey was long, longer than we thought. I changed the booking time for the museum to an hour later hoping we could arrive by that time. 

We got off the train and walked down to the hotel. Once we arrived I asked the receptionist if we could leave our bags, and breaking our plan to pieces he said no. Shit. We weren't going to make the museum today. So both being hungry we googled a place to eat. Luckily nearby was an American themed diner.

We walked to the diner and outside seemed like 100 leather-clad men and their loud bikes. We bravely entered the place and ordered food and coffee. The food was amazing and the drinks were good as well.

After eating we went back to the hotel, checked in and put all of our stuff down. My friend was a little sleepy so she had a nap while I watched some TV. We planned to explore the area but after the busy Saturday we had, we decided to stay in and have a lazy Sunday.

To end the day, we watched Matilda on the TV, talked a lot, got spicy again and she went to sleep. I stayed up and watched another movie and some youtube.

Monday 25/04

My friend had to wake up super early to head to work. It was my first full day to myself without her. It was strange and I kind of missed her company.

I lay in bed until around 9:00 and planned my day. May's Sweet Bite, Forbidden Planet, British museum. I was meeting my friend at 5:30 at the train station close to our hotel. Could I get everything done in time?! Spoiler.. yeah I could.

Got dressed, left the hotel, and got the train to Piccadilly Circus. Straight to Soho china town to try the taro bubble tea from May's Sweet Bite. It was fucking amazing!

After I went to Forbidden Planet to find the manga that I wanted, but couldn't find it. So I went straight to the museum. Hung around the souvenir shops until my time to go in.

I looked around for a while, took a lot of pictures and visited the Japanese history section. Which was under renovation the last time I was there. I bought a guidebook all in Japanese to study later and a new Hokusai Wave notebook. Although I had a good time I think it would have been much better with my friend there. 

It got closer to the time I had to meet my friend at the station. In the sudden downpour, I quickly popped back to get more bubble tea to the owner's surprise. Got the train, dropped everything off at the hotel and walked back to meet my friend. 

She stole my jacket to protect herself from the cold but we quickly got back to the hotel. We decided to relax for the night. The last night. At the time I didn't really notice. We cuddled and relaxed a lot and things got spicy again before sleeping. While she was sleeping I realised id be going back up north and started to feel a little sad. I told her I'd miss her and she responded while being half asleep. 

I fell asleep as well.

Tuesday 26/04

I woke up around the same time as my friend and just watched her get ready for work and pack all of her stuff. As it was time for her to leave. She kissed me goodbye and headed out the door. The sound of the door closing instantly hit me with the thought of "I don't know when I'll see her next" I breathed to stop the tear I could feel forming. Got washed and started to pack too. It was 10:00 when I left and my train was at 14:40. 

I got the train to Piccadilly Circus and popped to get two bubble teas for the 3-hour train journey back. I got to the shop too early and it wasn't even open yet. I managed to find a LEGO store nearby and had a look inside... I actually walked out after buying a bonsai tree set!

I got the bubble tea and travelled to Kings Cross. 

I got there way too early.

To make things worse, I got myself an energy drink. On rare occasions these make me feel like death and today was one of these days. My heart felt heavy and I could feel it constantly beating. I got food and another Chai Latte while waiting for the train.

After 2 and a bit hours, I boarded the train and slept most of the way back. Being back in Newcastle felt weird, everything is a lot smaller than in London. Newcastle used to feel huge for me but now it's so small.

My granda met and picked me up from Newcastle and I quickly arrived home. Very tired, weird feeling heart and sore feet. I just sat at my pc, chatted with my friends and built the new lego set.

Today 29/04

Actually, things still feel weird. I don't feel 100% myself. Like a piece of me stayed down in London. Like my independence, my drive to explore, and the person I miss.

I went down to London to see my friend. If she wasn't there I wouldn't have gone at all. I chose to go down to get to know her more and discover my feelings if there were any... fuck. Of bloody course there is. I'm both happy and annoyed. I didn't want to catch feelings because it makes things complicated, but at the same time, she is sweet and super cute. We seem to be compatible so far. I think I want her to be my girlfriend, but it feels impossible.

But I don't know what to do.

[thedrakesteelforge]

The Last Shift

Today I had my last shift before my trip to London. I will either have a great time or have my organs stolen. Things have been planned and booked. I am looking forward to it. My friend is lovely, so I look forward to spending more time with her. Before I go on my trip, I will go to the gym and eat well, so I have lots of energy for all the walking I will be doing. I'll chat with my friends and maybe even play games!

[thedrakesteelforge]

Boredom

I have little interest in things I used to love. Games get boring so fast. Yet a few years ago I could sink hundreds of hours into Overwatch or Payday. Now? I can barely play a game for 30 minutes before wanting to turn it off.

It's even worse for multiplayer games. The idea of playing with others is just stressful. I feel like I'd be such a burden to my friends if I begin playing but put little to no effort into the game. It's not irrational, we all had conversations about how I didn't do anything and just browsed my phone while playing Sea of Thieves. I was just bored but I wanted to play with them. I'd do my part during battles and events but while sailing or decision making, I'd be mostly silent.

I browse the games on steam hoping ill find something that will interest me and bring about the excitement entertainment used to bring me. It all seems like so much effort.

I love playing on my VR when I am doing it but the idea of setting everything up seems exhausting.

[thedrakesteelforge]

Chest Pain

I have pretty weak chest muscles. I hate working them out in the gym for that reason. It's the only muscle I am self-conscious about. I see people pressing 60 or 80 kg, and I struggle with 30. Anyway, I was lucky to get the smith machine the last time I was in the gym. I did a session just working on my chest, and now it's so sore. I am more motivated to work on it, but it's hard to use the machines since they are popular. Nevertheless, I'm still enjoying the gym. I have gained weight, but it doesn't seem like it's all fat. I'm about 11 stone 13 now (75kg). And there have been some visual improvements on my arms and shoulders. Can't complain.

[thedrakesteelforge]

So What Now?

It feels like it's been a few days since I posted. But my TEFL course is now finished, and I passed everything.

So what now? Honestly, I'm not too sure. Now that the need to finish my course is gone so is the motivation.

I enjoyed doing productive things but now it will have to be off my own back and not because I spent money or I am running out of time to complete it. This TEFL course was meant to be complete within 6 months, but I have had it for almost 2 years.

So how the hell am I going to motivate myself to keep doing productive work when there isn't a time limit?

Well, fuck motivation. It's so fleeting and can't be controlled. Organised discipline and routines are going to be what get me to do the things I want to.

For example, I have started going to the gym again. Why is this? it started with motivation but now I usually regret booking times because they are too early and I'm tired. However, I'm getting used to going. I get to spend some time to myself before going to work or it gets me out of the house. This is becoming a routine and I like it. I hope my work doesn't fuck it up and start me on super early shifts again. Going after my shift is awful, there are way too many people in the gym.

Motivation is good to start but I need to quickly get into a disciplined routine or I will lose my focus. So what things should I focus on? let's explore that. These are a list of things I'm interested in rate based on most likely to help a future career.

Career potential

Driving

Programming

Japanese

Game Design

Ethical hacking

Investments (Crypto, FMP500)

Exercise

Voice Acting

D&D

Driving is essential, so I believe this should be something I focus on. Only one lesson per week, so plenty of time for other things. I should probably focus on Japanese and Programming since they are things i believe will improve my chances of employability in Japan.

The next things to think about is organisation. How will i organise these into a productive week. Working out, 4-6 days per week. Japanese, an hour of active study per day. Programming, 1 hour per day. This would be ideal but fails to take working hours and the speratic nature of changing shifts into consideration.

[thedrakesteelforge]

The feeling of accomplishment

...... Boom! Guess who just finished his last TEFL assignment?

ME HAHA!!!!

Okay okay, I am happy about it, but there is something I am even happier about. I looked on the TEFL page for finding jobs and they have a few options for teaching in Japan.

TEFL itself doesn't run these jobs but they vouch for these companies. So I believe. I have heard of some bad stuff from a certain company but, I just won't choose that one.

It actually feels like I could do this.

So, What now? Well, I should first mention my wages weren't the best for the last payday so I am already running low. I also have to pay to travel around London for 5 days so I hope I'll be okay. However, after payday, I will start paying for professional Japanese lessons to further improve my CV and the likelihood that I can move over there to work.

While studying Japanese, I will finally open up my coding courses and focus on completing them. Maybe create projects where I could use my own or even Dan's artistic skills.

If I consistently study coding and become proficient with different languages (coding) then perhaps while teaching English i could apply for other jobs at companies that require programmers.

[thedrakesteelforge]

Whats your ultimate dream?

If everything would go perfectly, what what would your ultimate dream be?

I've thought about it a lot.

Okay. So ever since I was 16 and studied Buddhism in school and found anime I have wanted to move east. Specifically Japan. Of course, not original at all. but I don't care.

My dream was to move there and do some kind of job but now it's a hell of a lot more specific.

My ultimate dream Would be to move to Japan, Work as a teacher for a while. Then find a job as an at-home-programmer. Start a family and open up a British themed tea-house/cafe.

But why must this be a dream? Nothing is stopping me from pursuing this dream. Only my ambition and my willingness to endure struggles. Just as Ryan Holliday said, "The obstacle is the way". Follow the path that challenges you.

What would happen to our dreams if we made a plan, set goals, and made a system that would help us accomplish these goals? Would we not succeed?

I'm already on my way to becoming a TEFL teacher. If I studied programming after that and did some side projects. Balanced my time so I can study Japanese at the same time. Applied for some jobs in Japan and eventually move there (covid permitting).

These all are much easier said than done but still doable.

Maybe it all comes down to the lack of comfort outside our comfort zone. If that's the case, doesn't that mean our comfort zone is the worse place to be?

[thedrakesteelforge]

Success

I have finally made some progress studying my TEFL course! Not enough for congratulations or pride but enough to say I am happy.

Today I have studied 2 modules, a total of 2 assignments and 28 pages to read. I just have to wait for these assignments to be marked to see if I need to change anything, but I have my fingers crossed.

One last course left. That is 3 SUPER easy assignments and some videos to watch.

After I am done, I will have a 168-hour qualification. AND CAN TEACH PEOPLE!

[thedrakesteelforge]

Remember Why We Started

After almost 2 years of working on a teaching qualification. Which, realistically should have only lasted a few months. I completely forgot why I started.

I was so motivated to study this because it was something I did in my spare time anyway. I was always helping people study English, correcting spelling, and grammar and teaching them new things. But soon after I got the course, Boom, it felt like work and I lost a lot of interest. Assignments and responsibilities weighed me down and I just ignored them. Hoping it would just magically get finished.

I am glad to say, that in the past week, not only have I been working on it, but I am almost done. one module left to start and one more assignment for another. Easy.

I can do this.

Once I am done, I might actually be motivated to teach people again.

I'll have time to focus on other things that interest me, without the guilt of knowing I have work to do. Jesus, I can't remember what that actually feels like.

I can study the languages I want to, learn C# and C++. Get back into my game design, world-building, and fucking finally start my driving lessons again.

All without the gnawing feeling of guilt in the back of my mind.

[thedrakesteelforge]

The Devouring of Esquin

Jesus I miss D&D. I still remember my first session 0 with my players. Most of us met because I started streaming.

Comrade - The communism spreading mr chicken - (Human Fighter Comrade)

Shane.draws - The Texan artist - (Tiefling Warlock Rosy)

Zoinks - My uni friend and fellow streamer - (Elf Rogue Alistar)

I had a constant feeling of motivation to develop this massive world filled to the brim with things to discover.

Now I was a noob and I am so glad my friends were patient with me. Gong from knowing nothing to trying to learn the players handbook, monster manual, and DM's guide. I forgot the rules constantly but we all had fun.

After they made their characters, I had them start in a tavern. How traditional is that? The characters had been travelling together from the city of Kusan to the city of Orebury. During their travels, a few days away from their destination, they rested and had a drink at The Gobl-Inn.

Until the door burst open and a frantic farmer started pleading for someone to help him "they have taken her! They have taken my sister Larissa, I tell you" he screamed franticly. Most of the patrons just ignored him. But not this group. They wanted to help.

The farmer took them to his home so they could investigate the scene. Muddy tracks all over the kitchen and living area. It was deduced that goblins had been in the house. These tracks lead to the mountain pass, east of the fields.

The group took off as soon as they could. Venturing deep into the steep mountainside. After what felt like hours of travelling Comrade grew impatient and started shouting at the top of his lungs *LARISSA*... To no avail.

The sun started to set and the mountains quickly fell dark. The group found a few caves on a small cliff. Into the middle cave, they went and it was completely empty. They promptly set up camp and they all fell asleep.

They awoke to the songs of the mountain jays. Packed up their stuff and exited the cave. Until *whistles* an arrow flies through the air and just misses Alistar's ear. A small group of goblins had set up an ambush. Roll initiative.

The first combat experience I had to run. I still remember the adrenaline. So much to keep track of and so much to think about. It was a rush. Unfortunately, the dice didn't agree, the goblins and the players all rolled very low. luckily goblins are squishy, even for level 1.

Combat quickly drew to a close and they scavenged what they could from the goblins.

------------------------------ End session 1 -------------------------------

After taking a breather, Alistar decides to take a peek into the other cave they are yet to explore... bad idea. The others venture in with him and a swarm of bats comes flying out attacking them. in the back of the cave is a giant bat. Rosy quickly shoots an eldritch blast and takes out the giant bat as Alistar shoots an arrow killing and pinning a small bat to the wall.

They leave the cave and continue their adventure journey to save Larissa from the goblins.

Upon stumbling across some more goblin tracks, they choose to follow them and in the distance see 2 goblins patrolling the area. They watch them for a little while and choose to follow them. Stealthily taking them out when they have the chance.

After walking, climbing, and more walking. They find themselves closing into what looks like a small abandoned temple. An old site of pilgrimage for locals to pray to the knights of old. Outside is 2 more goblins.

Comrade gets ready behind some trees to jump out and take them out as Alistar and Rosy release their ranged attacks, killing one of them and brutally injuring the other. Comrade finished that one-off, claiming its ears as a trophy.

Now, in front of them. A big door! closed and unlocked. How many goblins are inside? Could Larrissa be alive or already dead? too many thoughts spinning through their mind. Only one way to find out.

Making their way through the door and at the bottom was the door to another room and a goblin guarding it. One arrow to the temple and it's down. Into the next room.

A room filled with old bowls, urns and oddities, as well as a massive mural on the wall depicting local history as well as a mantra embossed underneath. One goblin is asleep in a chair and another playing with bones on the floor. Alerted as the door opens.

They turn to face the intruders, Rosy using an eldritch blast and breaking the once sleeping goblins skull against the wall. The other pulls out its scimitar but Comrade rushes forward and takes off its head before it can react.

Alistar investigated the mural before picking the lock to the next door. Comrade and Rosy explore the room for loot to take. *click* The door is unlocked.

A corridor and a sharp turn left. Alistar feeling confident walks straight ahead and doesn't notice a raised cobblestone. His reaction time is not quick enough. *slice* A small scythe is now embedded into his arm. After some onsite medical attention from Rosy. They continue until they read a door... another one. This one is much older than the rest. Very old.

Comrade and Rosy take the front as Alistar takes the back due to his new injury.

They open the door.....

Inside. At the front of the room, they see a creature taller, muscular, red-skinned goblin thing. This is a hobgoblin. And beside him. Is a very surprised Larissa. Clothed in a beautiful white dress.

2 of the goblin guests stand up and rush to protect the groom and bride. The goblin priest steps down and bolsters his allies. Roll initiative.

The goblins sprint across the room and attack rosy and Comrade. After the 2 goblins go down and the priest is very injured, The well dressed Hobgoblin steps down and screams in common "How dare you!... This is our wedding day. You slaughter our guests. our friends. Stop this madness. Who are you?" Larissa behind his hulking stature with tears in her eyes.

Combat is now at an end. After some conversation between Larissa and Urik the hobgoblin. Larissa has secretly been visiting Urik for many weeks. She knew her brother would never approve. He is wildly overprotective and never lets her do anything she wanted. But she fell in love and decided to follow her heart.

The group decide to forget about the quest to save Larissa. The newly married couple leaves the abandoned temple. The group now confused about what just happened bolt the door shut and take a rest.

What the hell do we tell the farmer?

------------------------------ End session 2 -------------------------------

The group goes on to find and solve a riddle opening a secret passage into a crypt filled with coffins and a large sarcophagus. Comrade broke open the sarcophagus and an ominous whisper thanked them.

They returned back to the farmer and found him in company with another man. It turns out the farmer was planning on selling his sister to the man. Combat ensues and on the corpse was a ledger with a monthly tally. This man was hired to take people. But for what purpose?