#it's just such a specific intersection of two things i'm very into right now

[thedressagedraft]

The collector gremlin in my brain *really* wants me to buy the Neopets tarot deck. I am trying not to give in right now but...we'll see 🙈

[mellxncollie]

Temporary pause from working on a Charles' cricket bat gifset to talk about this shot:

It's such a well composed shot! It's the most badass cricket bat moment and this is like the anime-styled, matrix-level, critical hit, crescendo moment for Charles after all of his anger in episodes 3-5, and now he's redirecting it in a way that is no longer terrifying to his friends but supportive (though i would argue most of his anger in eps 3-5 was still very justified).

The negative space here is just *chefs kiss* and gives space for Charles to be focused on. It's simple and uncomplicated, making it easy for us to digest just how badass Charles is.

But like, look at it overlaid with some common composition 'rules'

Rule of Thirds

We've got him fairly well-aligned with the rule of thirds, his body and arm mostly along the lines with the cricket bat ending around that intersection

Then, similar to the rule of thirds, it fits even better with the Golden Ratio

This gets more along his center of gravity, and all that empty space on the sides just makes him even more important in the frame

These two rules, and the next one, are what makes it feel kind of "matrix"-like to me.

Golden Triangles

So maybe this doesn't look like it matches, and you'd be right. It doesn't match the lines of the composition exactly, but the golden triangles shows us that the shot is angled to somewhat align with this composition. Charles is parallel to those shorter lines, and the whole shot guides our eye along that long, downwards line.

If it was angled a little more or less dramatically, then it might not have had as much of an effect. This specific angle makes it feel so dynamic.

You can even use the Diagonal Composition that photoshop has (basically 2 square crosses that align with the 4 corners--with a smaller aspect ratio they'd overlap more)

Here the thing to note is the cricket bat's edge fitting almost too perfectly with that one line.

Golden Spiral (the one where i'm definitely stretching it a bit but whatever)

So this doesn't work as much in the full frame aspect ratio (2.2:1) but if we cut out the negative space, Charles fits along the larger part of the swooping arc. Not as much of a thing to focus on at the center of the spiral, but if we flip the spiral:

The cricket bat is in that spot. I know this is a bit of a stretch of the golden spiral, but all this to say, it's still really fucking cool.

All of these 'rules' aligning like this make it such a satisfying scene to watch. For me, when he catches that cricket bat it's like when a difficult math equation comes out to a whole number, or when a poem finds the perfect rhyme for the very last line, or when you're at the end of a whodunit and the detective lays out how the crime was committed. It's the best conclusion for an already amazing moment, everything falling perfectly into place.

[ftmtftm]

something i wanted to ask, genuinely, is if you think the labels transmisogyny/misandry and the way theyre used can really be helpful

i personally think they can be but with how so many ppl try to frame it as "exclusive" forms of oppression just doesnt help at all. yes, transmisogyny does mainly happen to trans women/fems, but a lot of ppl refuse to believe it could also happen to trans men/mascs. and i believe it can go the same way with transmisandry as ive seen multiple ppl describe wut it is and see how it could be applied to trans women/fems. and that doesnt even acknowledge intersex ppl, whether theyre trans or not. i feel like labeling it in specific ways to say "this is an intersection of oppression" without going "this is an exclusive experience" is beneficial to all sides, but ppl try to gatekeep with labels like "tma" and "tme" and so on. its like saying a gay guy cant call themself a dyke bc "youre not a lesbian and therefore u cant reclaim that slur" even if theyve been called a dyke before. it really just feels like the labels of transmisogyny and transmisandry is used as a way to fuel the fires of oppression olympics by saying that "if ur a trans man u experience less oppression than a trans woman." and it seems to be mainly fueled by the idea of "woman (oppressed) + trans (oppressed) = really oppressed" whereas "man (not oppressed) + trans (oppressed) = not as oppressed" when its nothing like that.

its also incredibly hard to find Any information about transmisandry. i always see "trans men just have it/pass easier" and even other transphobic statements of how going on T makes trans men more aggressive and assertive. i feel like tumblr has been the only place ive seen any genuine discussion about transmisandry and even then its not great or very informative.

i believe that both transmisandry and transmisogyny should be acknowledged as real forms of oppression rather than being used as a way to oppress ppl further.

i dont wish to cause an argument as these r just my thoughts and i genuinely want to hear yours on it too

So the TL;DR my opinion sort of boils down to "Yes, I think they can be incredibly useful terms when used with intention and clarity of purpose" but there's a lot of nuance to that opinion. Basically though - I mostly agree with you on a conceptual level anon. I just wanted to write an essay.

(and also I don't fully address some things in this ask because frankly I'm burnt out and don't want to talk about them at the moment and I made this blog to talk about my special interests anyway. Sue me ‪¯\_(ツ)_/¯‬)

Something I've been noticing in my reading of Intersectional/trans-inclusive Feminist literature, combined with my engagement with trans activism, over the last few years is: We're all very, very afraid of talking about sexism right now and it absolutely makes sense why.

It makes sense because the conversation has been ground to dirt by TERFs constantly yelling about "sex-based oppression" as a means to be transmisogynist and degrade the womanhood of trans women. However the response to this has been deeply flawed in my opinion.

Instead of actually addressing sexism as it's own distinct form of oppression under an Intersectional lense, we've simply made a hard left into only discussing gender informed oppression and only legitimizing gender informed oppression in the form of misogyny. It's a very uninformed response in my opinion actually - but that also makes sense because it's currently very hard to be informed on general feminist theory and politics at the moment because Radical Feminism is a fucking plague.

In reality though, sexism and misogyny are two different forms of oppression that often overlap because gender and sex are different classes of identity that often overlap.

This degradation of language - both from TERFs conflating sex and gender and from Intersectionals/progressives separating the two so hard they don't even acknowledge sex - is what I think is part of the cause of this problem that is leaving trans men / trans mascs with a massive hole in our ability to discuss our experiences. And not just trans men either!!! It's also nonbinary and intersex people as well who are harmed by this void.

So that begs the question: How do we actually talk about sexism in an Intersectional Feminist, trans inclusive, capacity that combats Radical Feminist rhetoric on sexism?

And the answer? Is carefully, consciously, and in a manner that is aware of several different experiences within the nebulous concept of female identity.

I will actually be using the word "female" as a term a decent amount throughout this post. For the sake of this discussion I am defining "female" as anyone anyone who presently identifies as female due to their assigned sex as well as anyone who is socially treated/viewed as female due to their gender, legal, and/or medical statuses. In this post "female" is an umbrella term that includes cis women, trans men, trans women, nonbinary people, and intersex people who feel that definition applies to them in relation to their sex.

Because the fact of the matter is that Patriarchy and our society at large hate women and they hate people who are assigned female and they hate people who are female and those are distinct categories of people with a lot of overlap and a lot of differences.

Female identity is like venn diagram of sex informed experiences that cis women, trans women, trans men, nonbinary people, and intersex people all have a place in for various different reasons. It's a diverse category of experiences and this should be a touchstone for solidarity, not division in my opinion. The experiences and needs of one group don't inherently negate the experiences and needs of another similar group, even if they conflict, you know?

It's a concept I've actually adopted from disability activists, who often talk about the ways in which disability activism often has to address conflicting needs because sometimes some disabled people's needs are in direct conflict with each other!! Conflicting needs are not something unique to disability activism though.

Most groups and classes people have conflicting needs within themselves and I think there's a lot to be learned in gendered activism from disability activists in this regard. I think often in activist discussions a lot of people stop when situations stop impacting them directly instead of trying to find commonality and empathy with similar experiences. It's easy to have knee jerk reactions, it's harder to pause and contemplate.

So, let's actually contemplate transmisogyny and transandrophobia/transmisandry as terms for a moment.

Transmisogyny was coined as a term by Julia Serano in 2007 in her book The Whipping Girl and I do think it's incredibly useful for describing the ways in which transphobia (the broader oppression of trans individuals) intersects with misogyny (the broader oppression of women) in specific ways wrapped up into a specific term.

I've engaged in a lot of criticism of The Whipping Girl because, well, I think for just about every excellent idea Serano posits about the trans feminine experience she undercuts it with White Feminist rhetoric and simple "cis men and women are opposites therefore trans men and women are opposites" type rhetoric that harms her arguments more than helps them. HOWEVER! Serano herself even articulates that misogyny and transphobia may intersect in ways that impact nonbinary and trans masculine individuals differently from trans feminine individuals, and that additional language may be required to fill that gap in The Whipping Girl!!

So now there's a bit of a linguistically philosophical discussion to be had here on the function of language and what language we can actually use to fill the hole trans men experience with our language - which is also where we dive back into talking about concepts like conflicting needs and sexism.

When creating terminology (or jargon), one must take into account several things like clarity and context, which is why personally - I do not like the term "transmisandry" at all. I use it as a tag because I know some people prefer it as a term and I'd like my posts to reach that audience as well. Generally speaking though - I think any inclusion of "misandry" as a term will always be a nonstarter in most discussions on gender. It's much too loaded of a word because of it's association with the misogynistic actions of MRAs among several other semantic reasons.

An argument could, I think, be made for a term like "transsexism" which would describe the intersection of transphobia (the broader oppression of trans individuals) and sexism (the broader oppression of female individuals) but I think that is still too broad if we want to talk about trans masculine experiences specifically. (Though I do still think it may have contextual use as a term quite frankly - that's just beyond the scope of this post).

So? Then we come to transandrophobia and a conversation on misogynistic, sexist responses to masculinity in people society forcibly identified as "female women" under patriarchy.

I want to state that off the bat that I take a lot of issue with the way people dismiss trans men's experiences as just "general transphobia" or "default transphobia" because... Why are you automatically treating a man's experiences as the universal default? Especially when there are things based on the intersection of his manhood and marginalization that he experiences that women of the same marginalization don't?

I have this issue with most other conversations about the intersection of marginalized identity and manhood honestly. It actually really reeks of unconscious misogynist bias to me. But I digress, that's not the subject of this post.

I think a lot about Brandon Teena and the motivations for his murder. I think a lot about Lou Sullivan's diary entries about his loneliness and isolation with regard to being around trans women and lesbians - as well as his history fighting for his right to medical transition. I think about P. Carl's musings about the ways in which his entire community abandoned him once he came out as a trans man as opposed to a lesbian woman. I think about Irreversible Damage by Abigal Shrier and the way she manipulated - if I'm remembering correctly - YouTuber, Chase Ross into misleading interviews that skewed his words and stories to attempt to "prove" her points about how "our girls" are being manipulated into transgenderism via social contagion spread through platforms like YouTube.

I think about the ways in which trans mascs - particularly those on HRT - actively avoid medical care because of the deeply gendered nature of gynecological care and also because we are treated like medical freaks and abominations when we do try to seek that care. I think about the ways our bodies are inherently, deeply impacted by the overturning of Roe V. Wade and how our decisions to not carry children via abortion or hysterectomy - or our desire to carry children - are met with the phenomenon of medical misogyny like any other woman or female individual but in a way that also explicitly intersects with our transness.

I think about the ways in which Patriarchal society sees my "female" body in direct opposition to my identity as a "man" and how that is something that needs to be "corrected" back into "female womanhood" via rape and assault. I think about my own corrective assault a lot. I think about how the 2015 National Trans Survey actually found higher self reported instances with sexual assault in trans men than in trans women. I think about how I personally see that as a touchstone of solidarity with my lesbian siblings and especially with my other butch siblings who also have their expressions of masculinity treated as deviancy that deserves corrective action.

I apologize for diverting into less of an academic musing into prose and also for diverging from the subject of this ask directly into a much larger essay - but I am simply so tired of trying to say that I and other trans masculine people are people worthy of having our own language for our own experiences instead of just being dismissed as a privileged class - quite literally on the basis of our own oppression.

Especially when people use the words of someone like Julia Serano to say we don't deserve that language when she herself posited that maybe we should have it. Especially when Kimberlé Crenshaw - the woman who created the theory of Intersectionality that Serano is attempting to engage with in The Whipping Girl - has stated that one of the goals of Intersectionality is to create language for and give voice to marginalized identities that otherwise are not given language and voice.

So - What do you call it when trans masculine people are explicitly targeted on the basis of their trans masculinity? What do you call that intersection of sexism, misogyny, and transphobia that misgenders and attacks trans masculinity explicitly? Because that isn't "general transphobia" - that is transphobia motivated by a Patriarchal desire for control over the broader "female identity" that society is seeing as "too masculine".

It's trans-andro-phobia. Transphobia targeted at a particular group of trans individuals on the basis of their masculinity in a way that intersects with a sexist, misogynist, Patriarchal desire to control perceived/forced female identity and the subsequent interpersonal and social ramifications that come alongside that systemic abuse.

Focus, intention, and clarity of purpose.

---

I do want to add that there is absolutely something to be said about the fact that these conversations are all extremely White at the moment.

Radical Feminism is a deeply White (and White Supremacist) movement. Conversations on Trans Feminist theory in general are still deeply White as well. Julia Serano is very much a White Trans Feminist, and as such most responses to her work by other White trans people tend to be, well, very White.

I myself am even contributing to the prevalence of Whiteness in the conversation because even though I am Ashkenazi I am also still White. I might be informed by and am actively using concepts formed by Black Women and Ethnic Minority Women as the basis of my own theories, but that doesn't erase the context of my own race in this conversation either.

I really do not want that to be lost upon people, especially other White people. A racialized context matters in this conversation because Race and Gender really cannot be fully separated from each other in conversations about power and systemic oppression.

Bonus TL;DR - Read The Will to Change and Feminism is for Everybody by bell hooks. Read Audre Lorde. Read Kimberlé Crenshaw. Read Leslie Feinberg and Judith Butler. Read María Lugones. Learn the concepts they are presenting and then also learn how to apply those concepts in a consciousness and self aware manner.

[zahri-melitor]

Some more coherent thoughts about Gotham War, now it's settled on me.

(Spoilers below cut, for length and as it's still only Wednesday)

It's not a huge surprise, but Selina's whole 'train henches to steal from the rich non-violently!' ended up being a complete side issue that only existed to get the plot moving. Nobody's conception of this plot, in two years time, will really include this detail, despite the thousands of words spent arguing how ridiculous it was.

Yes it remains a poorly thought out plan on Selina's part (she's never heard of earning money legally) but the narrative also frames it as long term ineffective from the very first issue and knocks it down on multiple occasions.

DC editorial definitely tried to dress this up as a full family event, but realistically it was a Bruce, Selina and Jason event, written by their three current writers, with solid bit parts played by Tim and Dick.

Vandal Savage remains ridiculous and ready to sacrifice anyone and I appreciate that about him. As a villain he was just the right level of stakes for this event.

I enjoyed getting to see Scandal, even if her fans would say she got done dirty here. Scandal usually has enough sense not to believe anything Vandal says, and I admit I was somewhat waiting for some level of twist here as to why Scandal was all for immortality at this point in time, but it never came.

I still agree it felt a lot like three separate plotlines intersecting, but I think they managed to land the event successfully (while leaving some nice loose threads). I actually appreciate they didn't overreach in their goals.

It still finished out with two separate plotlines: Bruce and Selina and Jason; and Dick and Tim and the rest of the family. Structurally this again reminded me as much of Resurrection of Ra's Al Ghul as Batman #138 did; the main plot and then the far more interesting Dick & Tim sideplot which is what I go back to reread. (Chip Zdarsky is clearly also a fan)

Also promisingly for an event yes, it did actually shake up the status quo and push the participants off in new directions.

So Bruce is now doing the Loner Batman thing (in that he's locked out of the fam computers/comm lines), Selina is officially 'dead' (what is with all these fake dead people with titles, Penguin is too right now), and Jason has what's effectively permanent fear toxin response to stressful situations. Also, apparently, we are getting Dick and Barbara back 'running' the Batfam while Bruce is on the outs.

As far as Bruce goes, what has been really notable in this event is how much Chip Zdarsky loves early 2000s Bat comics and their dynamics, and particularly Joker's Last Laugh. There's a lot of structural things about how this event was shaped, what specific characters did, and emotional beats that feel very JLL as someone who's read it at least half a dozen times. It's not the only influence, but it's a pretty prominent one.

Bruce ending the event in a position where he's effectively not working with most of the other Bats actually tracks reasonably well over to Batman & Robin, to my surprise. It makes sense that it's just Bruce and Damian and they're focusing on homelife and domestic relationship details between the two. It gives Bruce an excuse for why he's closely focused on Damian there.

I will admit I have not been reading Catwoman, but from the event it seems they're spinning her off to keep moving her back into a more antihero position. Tini Howard clearly has a direction she wants to take Selina.

I actually think this has pretty interesting storytelling potential for Jason. It means that he has to stay calm, or has to overcome his own fear to achieve things. It gives him a goal? Matthew Rosenberg clearly seems interested in using it for his Jason storytelling and he's got Jason right now, so...

I'm personally delighted by how much Tim Zdarsky wrote into this storyline. He used the space more to show off Dick and Tim's brotherhood and what Tim is good at, rather than push the Tim side of the Zur story we're all expecting to occur (there's that waiting Zur-Robin costume). Means he's planning it for Batman as a title itself rather than getting it tangled up here.

"It was the only way to become the second-best Robin". Yes, this is Tim getting to show off his core competencies - he probably is the only Bat other than Bruce who would have extensively studied all the trophies. Dick would remember a lot of them simply because a lot of the trophies are from old adventures, but pretty much all the others are not particularly retrospective, respect the past sort of members of the group, while Tim has always been surrounded by the shadows of the past. I loved this note.

I haven't talked about Babs yet! She's in green, in glasses, sitting down at her computers with a novelty mug, directing everyone, answering to Oracle. That's her! That's my Oracle!

I do think Bruce expecting Dick to take over running the Batfam right now is a big ask, given he's also running the Titans as the main superhero team on the planet and handling Bludhaven, but Tom Taylor's writing both those books so I don't expect to see the stress catching up with Dick there. Benefits of writer choice right now, I guess. Also personally 'Babs and Dick organise everyone while Bruce has a breakdown elsewhere' is one of my favourite Batfam dynamics so you know, I'm pretty excited if we actually get to see this play out.

New Lazarus Pit in Gotham! This won't be a problem at all.

[anarkittyuwuuniverse]

Okay so I didn't really want to get involved in the whole transfem transmasc discourse going on right now as I don't really belong to either of those groups but there are things that confuse me about it. I've been trying to listen to both perspectives and came to learn that people on the "transandrophobia side" tend to kinda blow the whole baedelism thing out of proportion as most people who identify with that label seem to just be transfemmes talking about transmisogyny and that's it, not exactly the transfemme version of TERFism that some people present it as. At the same time I'm seeing a lot of transfemmes arguing against the point that transfemmes as a group hold power over transmascs, which like, they very much don't but I also don't think I've seen any large numbers of transmascs arguing that to begin with? Am I just not looking in the right places? I've been scouring the posts in the transandrophobia tag for a bit trying to find anything and I found like maybe one or two guys who were clearly TERFs but not anything in huge numbers. I also keep seeing people say that transandrophobia is inherently an mra concept as it would imply that men are systematically oppressed but then I also see people define transandrophobia as an intersection between transphobia and *misogyny* specifically, which they obviously can't call *transmisogyny* as that would be kind of tasteless and taking terms away from transfemmes so like... Am I missing something? I hope people will understand that I'm asking in good faith here and not trying to instigate anything and I'm very much interested in listening to transfemme perspectives on all of this, I've just been feeling like I've been missing something about the posts I've seen about it thus far.

[euniexenoblade]

hey someone i follow has been posting stuff about transadrophobia/transmisandry and i get that the concept itself is wrong due to the nature of intersecting opression but there were some valid points made. for example how trans men are treated as neither men nor women depending on the context, such as in the case of male on male violence where they are seen as valid targets but then denied due to percived femininity. (there was some other stuff but i cant recall it right now)

do you have any advice (other than just to block them). im bad at nuanced analysis and could use some help. i want to be able to understand if what was being described was regular transphobia or an actual unique form of opression

-a transfem confused about the current situation

(p.s. sorry if this is impossible to read im quite stressed as this person is one of my favourite users and i want to have a nuanced perspective of the topic)

"how trans men are treated as neither men or women" is literally ripped right out of literature about transmisogyny. Trans women are seen as a lesser other that is neither men or women. Like, if they want to talk about that point fine but it's literally a concept that's existed and talked about for trans women for over a decade. So that would at least be "transphobia" and not "transandrophobia," because it's not remotely specific to their experience.

I'm not getting into a point by point with this, cuz I don't want to be involved in this stuff. But transandrophobia was coined by a dude who literally talked about getting off to lesbians being correctively raped and consistently was very lesbophobic. Nothorses cites literal terfs in his renditions of how "baeddels ruined the LGBT" (baeddels never had a strong following a died out years ago, the idea baeddels still exist is bullshit perpetuated by transphobes/transmisogynists/kiwifarms esque types, it's the mean bad tranny Boogeyman ("what do you mean Boogeyman is misgendering??? It's gender neutral!")).

At the end of the day, transandrophobia shit is terf propaganda with a few instances of real actual transphobia transmascs experience sprinkled in. I don't care about these dudes talking about their experiences, I honestly kinda don't care even if they have a specific term for it, but "transmisandry" was primarily used by racist mras and "transandrophobia" is a terf ideology.

These people are just talking about transphobia. They want some special term because they think "transmisogyny" is some special cool thing trans women get to have, they don't actually see it as an intersection of two oppressive axes. They're usually not well read about transmisogyny and don't actually know anything about it.

As for talking to this person. Idk. Could just approach it that the word transphobia already exists and that the first point I mentioned is literally a thing transfems go through. Tbh w you I wouldn't know what to do if my friends start posting that bigoted garbage.

[teawitch]

Friday the 13th and Freya (or Frigga)s Day

Why not being wrong doesn't exactly mean it's right.

So, the idea that Friday the 13th was associated with Freya (or Frigga) and therefore sacred for women is circulating again.

What if we take this apart for a kernel of truth. I'm going to leave the Patriarchy, the Catholic Church and the unlucky part out for a moment and just look at the Freya/Frigga part. (Even amoung the Norse crown, there doesn't seem to be full agreement about which goddess this refers to with some speculating it may have varied regionally. I'll leave it up to the Norse crowd to sort that out. For right now - we just need a goddess starting with F)

First, we're going to start with the Norse calendar. Because to have a Friday the 13th, you need a calendar with a Friday and a 13th. And we may be in luck!

See the Norse followed a lunar calendar with each month starting with the new moon and sacred to the sun. So, if we count that as 1 and follow the current days of the week - every month will have a Friday the 13th. (I haven't been able to completely verify that this was exactly how the Norse counted their days. In fact, they may have worried about counting less than we do because - hey, just look up at the moon.)

But this means - every Friday would have been sacred to Freya/Frigga. Even Friday the 13th. And Friday the 6th. Friday the 20th. Friday the 27th.

You aren't going to deprive a goddess of her due acknowledgement on her day.

So, yes, Friday the 13th would have been sacred to Freya/Frigga

And then the Patriarchy (Darth Vader Music)

Look, the Julian and Gregorian calendars were solar calendars that don't match the Norse lunar calendar so it looks more like we've just got two myths intersecting with a specific, reoccuring day in the Norse calendar.

Except - in Latin it's Veneris (Viernes for Spanish speakers) and in Rome was associated with the planet Venus. (Yes the goddess but the Romans had an odd thing going on with planets).

We've still got our usual set of Fridays. So, why not make all Fridays unlucky?

The usual thought is that 13 was associated Judas and the Last Supper. Which is why we have superstitions around the number 13. And, well, Jesus was crucified on a Friday. So possibly over time, those two came together to make Friday the 13th very unlucky.

But it is unlikely that either Freya or Frigga were involved in the matter. But you may still celebrate your favorite goddess on a Friday.

[deeisace]

Thinking again about how to go about approaching publishers with my grandma Millie's first book

There's no clear thing of, like she didn't leave all her writing specifically to anyone in writing - because she couldn't, because he was nominally disowned, she just made sure my grandad, her middle son, got her writing box, made sure of it before she died, you see, and then I'm the one that's typing everything and actually working on it - very slowly, mind, there's all sorts of short stories I haven't got to, and a whole handwritten second novel, tho I think I've finished all the poetry

But erm like

How do you say to a publisher, here is a book, it's not mine, it's my dead great-grandma's and she wrote it at least 30 years ago, d'you want to publish it?

I spose that, really, in more fancier words

I spose, they publish things posthumously all the time, even tho those are usually already famous authors like, rather than some random schoolteacher from the Wirral, y'know

Or, I'd've thought self-publishing is a thing, but I wouldn't the first how to go about that, and besides back to my first point, if I did that then surely the money ought to go to someone closer related to her than me, tho her eldest son has died, her middle son (my grandad) is disinherited so far as I know (tho I don't know if that was in writing or just by social/religious pressure), and I've never met her youngest son - but it's grandad that got the box, and me that's done the work

I just think other people should see this, I'm sure it's not family bias, it is really actually good - and there's 60+ years of short stories, for kids and for adults, and reams of poetry, and two (one and a half, maybe, I've not read the second one yet, cs her handwriting can be tricky and I've not had the time besides) novels

The first one is a good 500 pages, following all the different people living in one house in London in the early 1950s, all their lives and how they intersect and differ - some of it's autobiographical, I know, taken from her early married life, and my grandad said that she said it was the sort of idea that wouldn't leave her alone, she'd put it down and pick it up again for years and years, but it was typed up, and my copy is one we found on a floppy disk, so she kept at the same story for years and years - there's bits in there referencing her life in the 50s-60s, and I'm sure some bits that are about my mum if you know to look at it sideways, and that all happened in the 90s - but besides all the bits that mean a lot to me cs I sort of get to know her through them, it really is just a good read, honestly

Oh I don't know, I haven't got the time or brain to do anything about it right now anyway, I don't even have the wherewithal to get my fucking dishes done, so

I just looked in a bookshop on my way home, and it always makes me think, to go in a bookshop, her name should be up on the shelves too, with all these others

I don't know how to get that done by myself tho

[jemeryl]

Playing D&D helped me realize: other people think they can fuck with my boundaries for kicks.

In two totally separate D&D groups, another player had their character coerce and steal from my character. This made me uncomfortable, but I let it slide because it's just a game? What's the big deal, right?

In the first game, my character fell into a spike pit. The other player (K) sat on the edge and said he''d help me out if I gave hima valuable jewel I had. I thought, this is so fucking stupid, I will do whatever it takes to get out of this dumb fucking interaction right this moment.

In the second game, the other player (S) tried to persuade me to take The MacGuffin (the jewel from Critical Role: Netherdeep, if you know), because she doesn't feel worthy of the responsibility. So I said no a few times, but she insisted, and we were stuck arguing, so I thought, whatever, it's just a game, I'm bored, let's move on and sort it out later. But in the next session, S stole the amulet back off me for reasons known only to her?? It's a part of her character's story.

The fact that this happened twice, in completely separate groups, made me feel really unsettled. I didn't like what that said about me: that I attract people who'll violate my boundaries. And if I can't keep my boundaries during something as seemingly trivial as a D&D game, how can I keep my boundaries ANYwhere?

To answer this, I broke the question into three parts:

Why them?

Why me?

How do I stop this?

Why them?

There are other similarities that made it extra unsettling. K and S are both white, older than me, and less emotionally mature than me. They're both deeply insecure, anxious, neurodivergent people. (just like my mom! HMMM)

They both DMed for me for a long time, but they refused to take feedback about how to make their games more fun, so I dropped out of their games. They both felt very rejected by that, and both got kind of weird about it in different ways.

They're both A LOT as players: playing characters who act out and are annoying, taking up a lot of spotlight. Other players put up with their characters behaving badly because it's just a game and no one wants to raise a fuss.

They're really hard to communicate with. They ostensibly welcome feedback, thank you profusely for it, and tell you how much they value you as a player and a friend. However, they're actually shutting down because they feel so uncomfortable and rejected, so no further communication or growth can take place. Then, they shut down more and more over time in order to protect themselves from further discomfort (which they bring on themselves as they double down on what they were doing wrong, and I progressively lose my saint-like reservoir of patience).

I don't play ANY games with K any more because it's intolerable. I'm only playing with S now because the GM invited both of us, I'm invested in that game, and I hoped we wouldn't have an issue. Surprise, now we have an issue, and I need to nip it in the bud because the campaign I'm in with S is going long term.

Why Me?

In both cases, as a TWoC, I was the one in the room with the least social power.

I have experienced a lot of exclusion in the intersection of transphobia and racism - even in LGBT spaces. So I've been conditioned to people please and let things slide in order to avoid exclusion.

I'm giving out subconscious signals that they can get away with this kind of shit with me (signals I learned in order to survive my parents). And they're picking up on it and subconsciously doing it. I mean, I bet they never even CONSIDERED doing this to another player.

This shows they ARE capable of listening and respecting boundaries, but they know on some level there are no CONSEQUENCES for ignoring me and breaking my boundaries.

The good thing is: my signals were learned. I can unlearn them!

How can I stop this? (A Work in Progress)

So I'm going to be paying very, very close attention to what behaviors and signals I give in my interactions, specifically with strangers, because I REALLY, REALLY want to ensure I don't pick up a THIRD K or S. How can I weed these behaviours out?

And I'll be paying attention to signals OTHERS give. What SPECIFICALLY are their behaviors that tell me they are unsafe (which I was conditioned by my parents to disregard or even gravitate towards). What are the behaviours that I didn't realize I needed to say no to in the first place?

And, how can I PRE-EMPTIVELY put up a boundary with them? Let them know they can't target me, WHILE they're still working out who they can target?

Then, the next level: Pre-emptively put up a boundary that says, you can't mess with me OR any of my ACTUAL friends. So fuck off and don't even try.

[dulcewrites]

I'm a bad influence cus you said Hades and Persephone

Ya twisted my arm (jk). But a Aemond x oc story starting from slightly from the perspective of her mother. Some details that I think would be hades x persephone coded

- house [redacted] (I’ll think of a name lmao) is a stormlands house made up of our oc (I like the name annora but I also like having flower motif) her two younger sisters and brother, and her parents -Johanna and Omar

- their sygil is a narcissus blooming through rain. It sort of symbolizes how their house sits in the intersection between the reach and stormlands/dornish marshes. Much of their wealth comes from being around extremely fertile area and what grows there. Let’s say both team green and black go there (over house Baratheon) based on that wealth

- random but i sort of like the idea of house Baratheon feeling a bit slighted that Aemond didn’t come to their house. they are like daeron will marry whoever as a conciliation prize (daeron slays but you know what I mean)

- Aemond specifically came there for annora. Johanna instantly gets #bad vibes. Not even just the obvious war thing but just the way Aemond is looking at her daughter is NOT sitting right with her. So, she lies and says her daughter is betrothed to another. Omar, completely oblivious, is like no she isn’t????

- now I go back and forth between if this Aemond is charming enough to put the rizz on annora. On one hand, I think both book and show aemond have to work themselves up bc of insecurities. But ngl something about that probably bs account, bc it’s from mushroom, of book Aemond kissing all the Baratheon girls lives rent free in my head. Like why would he do that 😵‍💫😵‍💫

- a hot prince shows up on a dragon saying he wants to marry you, there is only one answer. She’s here for it. Johanna pulls Omar to the side and is like ummm our daughter could be essentially a war prisoner. Now I don’t think Omar is a bad dad, he loves his kids. But do I think he’s super smart? Probably not lol. He sees baby targs with baby dragons. He thinks about tides changing and stormlands houses swearing fealty to them

- the luke stuff happens in front of them. Johanna is mortified, annora is still like “but mom, he took his eye of course he wouldn’t like him ☹️”

- now I kind of like deviating from the book and show in the sense that no one really knows what happened to Luke. Pieces are arrax do not wash up. Did he die on accident? Did Aemond/Vhagar kill him on purpose. Did luke runaway? Who knows. Obviously people think Aemond did something but 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

- they still get married despite Johanna pleading to her husband to not let this happen. Annora and Aemond have a traditional westeros faith of the seven wedding BUT and here’s the kicker. Aemond wants a Valyrian wedding as well. I really don’t care about whole blood binding thing (If y’all want to pretend she has distant Valyrian blood go for it). I just like the idea of the blood being a similar motif as the pomegranates.

Anyway I don’t want this to be too long. Just in case I’m a glutton for punishment and actually do this. But yeah it spirals from there. Aemond descends further into madness as people think he is kinslayer. He probably puts a lot of energy/obsessiveness into his relationship bc of it. Very much ‘but you don’t think I’m a murdering psycho right baby 🥺’ while cleaning off his sword of blood. Johanna just wants her daughter back… it’s a mess y’all.

[penname-artist]

🕯️how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

*cracks knuckles* oh boy. This one's gonna be an essay, brace yourselves everybody, Pen's gonna go on an hour long rant again.

In short answer (for the people that don't want to read my essay, *sniff* I get it! It's fine!) the very aspect of having open communication between members of the fandom is what makes it inherintly healthy. Now trust me, it's VERY easy for that to become an unhealthy or downright toxic thing, happens a lot in fandoms especially when it's large enough to have splinter-groups of what I'm just going to call 'Hardcore People' that don't bend to outside opinions. In short, as long as the majority of a group or fandom keeps it flexible, all is well.

Now to extend on that (this is the part where quick skim readers leave LOL) a lot of the best qualities I've seen in fandom, specifically in reference to THIS fandom but it can definitely apply elsewhere too, is (here we go again with my labels) Mutual "Feeding". What I mean by that is when groups of different interests collide (in a good way) over their variations of interest, and they intersect or overlap, thus providing one another with sustenence. Collaborations start happening, people get together on funny and cool ideas, tons of AUs sprout, and canon basically gets thrown out the window 90% of the time, etc. The brightest lights I've seen in this fandom are when two or more people feed off of each other and start to pump out excess amounts of content. Ironically, though, the worst parts of fandom start from the same branch.

Again with the flexibility, though; as long as people stay open to ideas and interpretations and all that, it's harder to veer into unhealthy territory. Groups are AMAZING tools in fandom, for bringing folks together directly on ideas and concepts and giving them the best possible fandom food: each other's ideas. It can reignite a whole ass bonfire. But, in the same line of thought, it's very easy to get wrapped up into a concept to the point it becomes rigid and hard to approach from any unusual angle. One guy in the fandom will have an idea that isn't aligned with the general crowd and all of a sudden he's on the outskirts of the fandom altogether. Tons of fandoms, particularly beefier or more mainstream ones, are prone to this. I think a friend has mentioned the Transformers fandom is very similar to this mindset and stingent about a lot of things like original characters and the likes because of it. it might not ever affect the fandom as a whole (at least I hope not) but toxic mindsets can absolutely spread around and make for a very unwanted experience in a piece of media you enjoy.

But fandom exists to be a place for lots of people who enjoy a form of media to come together around that media and make content of their own; it's the foundation of what makes fandom just that. It's community. And while there may undoubtably be this unspoken "heirarchy" of fandom, from lurkers to content creators to trendsetters and influencers, the same foundation applies that fandom is for fans, regardless of status. There isn't (and God i hope there never will be) hard lines or strict policies or specific expectations in the world of fan-creations. It's as simple as you like a character and you want to draw them with your other favorite characters together: boom, it's there. And it's such an intensely creative field that it's entirely impossible to market it in any way, shape, and form. And I love it for that reason. It's my escape into the world of fantastical imagination, and now I can bring all my friends along with me and we can exchange our ideas on how Leland would react if he were alive to Finn's stupidly falling right into a trap when he would clearly be able to see the helicopter with a giant magnet hanging over him. And that's so much fun.

Particularly in my position, having been a Planes server owner for, ehhh, close to like two years now, I am really really lucky to be in a position that I can see all kinds of collaborations unfolding around me. It's like when you put seeds into the ground and then suddenly you see them growing and spreading on their own, and you feel like the proud parent of a beautiful garden where all you did was slap some seeds in the dirt, and it was enough to let them all bloom.

And that might kinda sound like Big-Headed talk, so I try to never let that go to my head. I might have started all this and be "leading" my server, quote-on-quote, but I definitely don't rule this place nor do I expect to be treated as such; I'm still a content creator at heart, and I just want to frolic around with my friends and my favorite characters and make Cool Things. I'm just extremely lucky to also be in a position to make something like Volo Pro Veritas (and even just my usual content like fics, art, and videos) and have it be something that can bring people together and ignite more ideas in the fandom. That's all worth the world to me.

And getting to be the reason lots of people in this fandom can come together and make their own things is so incredible; I've watched a lot of folks slowly start to come out of their shells and speak up about their ideas, and share those ideas around and make some absolutely incredible stuff about the things that they love. Really it all just funnels back down to that sense of community, a place you can belong with people and be one of a lot of voices ring out in the community. Even in the smallest of ways. People don't realize the impact they've got on other people. One person is the reason I got into the Planes fandom. One person is the reason i started writing fanfiction. One person is the reason I built the servers I did. People are still going to be the reasons I do what I do, because as much as I love doing fandom things for myself, it's even greater when I get the chance to share that with others. I've made friendships that will last a lifetime.

I've also grown. We all have. And we all do, somehow, some way. So long as community exists, fandom is going to find a way.

Okay that's my essay everybody! It's over now, I promise! XD

[ladyimaginarium]

okay so. here's the audio recording of me& doing my& best to explain my& story. although graphic images and descriptions won't be used, heavy content warning for discussions of csa, h.uman t.rafficking, antinative racism and genocide, specifically of our native girls, women and two spirited people, as well as our boys and men. viewer's discretion is heavily advised. i& only ask that mutuals & close friends reblog this and to not repost this without my& consent. for any natives out there who may read this: we& love you. we& support you. please take care of yourselves in any way you can, whether that's talking to a friend or trusted family member or calling a hotline such as the stronghearts helpline ( usa ) or the hope for wellness helpline ( canada ), where natives & all indigenous peoples in "canada" are offered services in both english & in french, or upon request, anishinaabemowin / ojibwe / ᐊᓂᐦᔑᓈᐯᒧᐎᓐ, cree / ᓀᐦᐃᔭᐍᐏᐣ & inuktitut / ᐃᓄᒃᑎᑐᑦ & from personal experience calling there several times for my& own personal needs, their services are absolutely excellent, they have experienced and culturally competent counsellors that are reachable by telephone and online ‘chat’ 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, or smudging depending on your practice or doing something you love. i& know this week is hard for all of us, myself& included, even those who aren't personally affected, as an elder once described to me& that this is an overall intergenerational community trauma that affects everyone who's native, regardless of skintone, other intersecting identities or status. you are loved. i& love you. i& support you. i& just called the hotline just now for my& own needs & they are a tremendous help, and i& also smudged & did the sacred ceremonies. please check out this mmigw2s carrd for resources and this mmigw2s google document for information. i& will be sharing more statistics i've& found over the years later today & possibly things i& felt like i& may have missed in the audio & likely for the rest of the week. my& name is angel & i'm& the host/core/singletsona of the imaginarians galaxy, an indigenous indigiqueer & two spirited professionally dxed udd system & a medically recognized multigenic did system; today is a very important for us&, although we& don't personally know anyone who's gone missing or murdered, but bc all natives are related & are interconnected with each other & bc family is more than who you're genetically related to, it hits really close to home as a two spirit person & the intergenerational trauma hits hard. please understand that we& don't intend on hurting anyone while telling my& story as i& only have my& own experiences but if i& get smth wrong, n.atives, pls correct me&, and we& ask that nonnatives wear red today to honor those who went missing & murdered. if you want to ask questions, you can contact us& on discord, 【 𝕬𝐑𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐀 ♥ 】||【𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓘𝓶𝓪𝓰𝓲𝓷𝓪𝓻𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓼】#2830, just make sure to let us& know who you are first, i& will not be answering publicly for our& own mental health, but make sure to compensate us&, i& will not be answering questions freely especially ones that are so traumatic at the expense of my& health, trauma & emotional exhaustion. find out who's land you're on. support native artists and creatives. fight for our rights. fight for our land back. just be aware that i& can only offer our& own experiences as a white seeming reconnecting two spirited urban native bodied system. if you want to donate, you can donate here to our& p.ayp.al, but keep in mind that you are absolutely not required to donate anything ever, however, if you want to leave a donation, i’m& keeping that option open, i& am grateful for anything, but please never feel like you absolutely have to, if you feel like people in your online/offline communities have more urgent needs and therefore should be prioritized in terms of support, absolutely please feel free to help them instead/first ( if you have the funds to help multiple people, anyway! ) NO MORE STOLEN SISTERS & SIBLINGS. EVERY CHILD MATTERS. LAND BACK.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Brigitte Empire needs money, which can be exchanged for goods and services. Turns out, so do a lot of people! Some of them need it to live, and some of them need it to keep their shareholders happy, and some of them need it for blatant self-promotion. Watch the video and try to pick out who's who!

Then, if you feel like it, meet me under the cut for a little more on MARKETING!

All right all you cats and kittens, I got two discount bellinis in me and a silly topic that could still end civilization as we know it if we don't deal with it appropriately. Take my hand, and let me tell you the story of Capitalism figuring out that marginalized people buy things too!

Capitalism exists without the constraints of morality. If people are willing to pay for a thing, you should let them buy it, and jack up the price as much as possible. Regulations that prevent you from selling your child as hamburger meat are not a feature of Capitalism, but a constraint placed upon it by the rest of society. Thus, as soon as there is money to be made, multiple individuals and corporations will try to make as much money as possible. The only political consideration is, "What do I need to SAY I believe to maximize the profits?" It doesn't care about you, it just wants your money. We are all here to be exploited, no matter our various intersections.

Thus, it only fails to market to a specific group if it doesn't seem like that group would buy a specific thing, and/or if the consequences of the marketing would eat into the profits too much. A baby isn't going to buy a Virginia Slim cigarette (babies prefer Marlboros)

...and such a campaign would make mommies and daddies very upset, so they don't run ads with smoking infants in Highlights magazine.

But a funny thing happens when, all of a sudden, someone smacks themself on the forehead and cries, "Oh no! Babies DO buy Virginia Slims!" Or, more plausibly, "Wait! WOMEN BUY CARS!" Nobody has been marketing to that demographic, there is no playbook to follow, and they scramble for a strategy.

Oh, and it is hilarious watching them trying to figure out what a new demographic wants out of their product.

Uhhh... Pinkness and an automatic transmission, you guys? Is that good? Bill, would your wife buy one of these? If you let her, I mean, ha!

Likewise, in Brigitte's early strawberry ad: Uhhh... Glitter! The "tran"s love makeup and glitter! And a relatable, pretty nobody, and donations to worthy causes!

They're still dialing it in. Even poor Dylan up there doesn't seem to have much idea why someone who likes her brand would like a cheap, lite beer. She decided to just be honest and relatable too. "Well, it's nice having my face on a product, and one assumes you drink this while watching a sport...? Ha-ha-ha, this is kinda silly, but I guess they're trying to be nice. Well, anyway, Bud Light exists!"

It's really quite cute. It makes me like HER, but I'm not gonna buy a Bud Light. Likewise, that Gillette commercial was super sweet, but it didn't make me wanna go out and buy a Gillette razor, or anything at all. Conversely, when Goya foods shot their mouth off, I didn't stop buying them. I never started buying them. If they didn't have what I wanted in the store brand, I might have gotten a can or two of Goya, if they were the cheapest. After the beans hit the fan, I quit doing that with no more effort than moving my hand a few inches to one side or the other. No hardship to them and no hardship to me.

Me, and my friends on the left, are not big name-brand fans, or big Capitalism fans. These things are notable as cultural bellwethers - "Ah-ha! Someone did a thing! Now let's see how everyone reacts!" - but not as something we're going to go out of our way to spend money on. We define ourselves by the media we consume much more than the physical products.

The people who market physical products do not know how to handle that. It's kinda freaking them out. That's why we get all those stories about "MILLENNIALS ARE KILLING [THING]!" No, they're just not willing to be ride-or-die with a brand, or even a type. "Hmm, these ciders are all too expensive... How 'bout some box wine?" We don't have the disposable income to be picky, because Capitalism will devour itself for profit as much as anything else.

The throwbacks who are still willing to define themselves via a brand tend to skew right, but they're volatile as hell. Anything that looks like progress or "wokeness" makes them SCREAM. The pundits and politicians like it that way, it keeps them in power - the corporations, not so much. It's getting less and less feasible to be an AMERICAN [or other national identity] brand. There's a culture war in progress - but no matter which side you pick, they will not remain reliable, complacent consumers.

That's why corporate culture is involved in this weird "two steps forward, two steps back" dance. When it's clear who's winning, they'll pick a side. Until then, they're like a bunch a little kids at a party who really want to pick up the pinata candy, except the kid with the blindfold is still staggering around swinging the stick. Meanwhile, the leftists are busy looking for hot dogs in the trash, and the conservatives are screaming, pointing, and throwing more candy on the ground, so they can demonstrate how much they hate the latest evil product.

That last one doesn't make any damn sense, right? Boycotts are rarely effective, and buying more of a thing is not even a boycott. Bud Light will take your money whether you love their beer or hate it. You can throw it at a cop if you want, they just want your money.

Guess what? So do the conservatives. Also, your attention and your validation. That's why they're yelling so loud. All of us need to be heard and seen. All of us perform to show others who we are on the inside. When you film yourself performing and post on social media, though, you can make actual cash. Build enough of a following for your content and Bud Light will show up on your doorstep and offer to put your face on a can!

You're reading this on Tumblr right now, you are at least somewhat aware of how algorithms serve up content, and that the search function will serve you more engagement if you're doing something popular. I already know this post is gonna crash and burn, too, 'cos I don't have a lot of followers and it doesn't involve a fandom. Maybe later the Tumblr goblins will find it and like it, but not for a long while. If I wanted clicks (and I do) I'd give you something on Guardians of the Galaxy, or Spiderverse, or more Kung Fu Panda. If I were branding myself as a conservative gun nut, I'd get a lot of eyeballs on me if I bought a case of Bud and assassinated it right now. I don't want those eyeballs, but some folks sure do.

It's exploitation all the way down and we shouldn't be surprised. People need money to live, and if they have a little extra, they can have fun with it. Bud Light hires themself a trans spokesperson, as an investment, and she needs the money so she does an ad for the beer, and herself. Conservative culture warriors launch themselves at this latest target, every one of them also doing an ad - for themselves and their entertaining and justified outrage. And the platforms that host them rake in engagement from both sides, and more money. All that commerce, all that profit, all that potential, springs from the body of one trans influencer who likes to purchase goods and services - as one does.

In this instance, the beer people freaked out and spent a lot more money taking two steps back. It ain't always gonna be like that - and the next folks who want money from the trans demographic will have some valuable marketing data for the future - but we'll have to wait and see.

Now, I did say this was a silly topic that could end civilization as we know it if we don't handle it right, so picture some scary music right here. There is a market for grinning white faces who shoot guns at "wokeness," and the people with grinning white faces and guns know that, as do the platforms that host them. They make money for the platform and the platform makes money for them. Without intervention, this is a closed circle that only requires a new, popular thing to be mad about, and they can manufacture those at will. Violence and outrage are becoming a commodity, and people are already buying it.

It's popular to be mad at trans folks right now, but "woke" can be anything. They do not actually care what they are mad about, or what anyone who consumes their content does with that anger, they just want your money (clicks, attention, data, etc). Say what you will of the stochastic terrorism of the past, at least it had a political agenda. A privileged politician isn't going to turn on you nearly as fast as a social-media-climber looking for clout. Do you think you're stealth, invisible, acceptable? Do you wanna find out what happens if suddenly you're not?

Regulation and deplatforming are the only way to keep the outrage machine from eating up real human lives. But we are not asking sociologists or internet scholars or anyone who might have a clue to regulate anything. Regulation is something politicians do, and I wouldn't trust any of 'em to set up a wireless printer. As for deplatforming, for now, that's in the hands of the platforms, and they just want your money.

I'm just talking about one potential brand of annihilation, here. Capitalism will sell us everything we need to destroy ourselves, for as high a price as the market will bear. It doesn't care.

If we want it to stop, we have to care enough to apply the brakes. Ai-yi-yi, but I know we've already been trying, and we're not getting much traction.

Better get yourself one o' them pink cars with the automatic transmission, and buckle in.

[akayna]

8. Describe your crush(es)

17. Do you like kissing in public?

20. Do you shower every day?

56. State 8 facts about your body

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

8. So like crushes are mostly one sided things. I'd rather describe my partners in no particular order :p

Nerd! oh wait that's all of them. I love nerds.

Queer in some fashion! Oh wait that's all of them again (and not just because of being polyam. Lotsa intersecting queerness happening)

Adorable as hell! Shit, that's all of them again

Incredibly supportive and make me smile... All of them

Hmm I'm sensing a type.

17. Yeah

20. No. That's on an as needed basis. Sometimes it's needed multiple days in a row, sometimes it's not.

56. I am considered short. I have a freckle on my left boob. I'm hypermobile, but that doesn't always translate to exact type of flexibility I want it to. I have very strong hands. I get headaches from headbands easily. I snap crackle pop my knuckles and joints all day long. I had a knee surgery a few years ago. I only had 3 wisdom teeth and two of them are now gone so I only have 1 wisdom.

58. Communication (duh!). Sharing in emotional labor. Acts of service so that I'm not feeling like I'm the one doing everything all the time. Take to my teasing well, as it will draw me further in. Boba. I had to include it.

65. Since I stopped defining sex as PIV intercourse, I don't think of anything as 'foreplay' specifically, because that implies certain stage gates in the sexy times process that I think are better left more ambiguous. However, the very beginning of sexy times has got to kick off with kissing.

73. I'm not gonna lie, the bar is a bit low right now. Just someone else making us dinner that isn't a box of pasta and a jar of sauce would result in me feeling so incredibly spoiled.

[abbybschool]

IS DISCIPLINE STILL IN?  A real question and answer from a real local parent.

Rachel, 44, a resident of Beverly, Massachusetts has permitted me to interview her about her parenting styles. Rachel is a mother to two children, Lucas, 6, and Rose, 4. I have changed their names to discuss the children and their issues freely without intersection in the children’s privacy. I have worked with Rachel babysitting her children for over a year now, this has given me an insight into their family life. As their babysitter, I have great respect for how Rachel and her wife choose to raise their children. Early childhood development is so important for children in their early years. Finding the right way to raise a child as well as finding a method that works for them is hard enough. Parents face societal pressure through all sorts of parental blogs, teachers, family, and social media. The specific way a parent chooses what to expose their child to can affect the child for the rest of their lives in this developmental phase. Instead, parents should share what ideas work best for their children and encourage them to find strategies that work for their families. Instead of judging parents, we should help them grow. The stress of permanent responsibility over children affects all parents, this should be normalized. Rachel takes us on an inside look at their home life, what she prioritizes, and what she regrets.

Q. In what ways do you parent your children?

A: I would say the most important thing is discipline. Um,  you can't let kids run free. Um,  yeah, my kids, I'm not their friend and I've made that very clear.  Do you think that ruins your relationship with them? No, I think they respect me more because of it.  So you think a more serious relationship with your children is the right way to go? Yes, that's how I was raised. I'm a very disciplined person and I guess I would say I wouldn't consider my parents my best friend, but that's not how I think they're supposed to be seen.

Q. How do you differ in parenting styles between each different child?

A: Well, um, Lucas is more of a mellow kid. You know, he doesn't need me to discipline him all the time because he listens the first time and he just does what he's supposed to do. While Rose, on the other hand, um, she worries me. I, she just is always getting in trouble at school. She's having trouble making friends. You know, she's that kid on the playground who's yelling and likes just hitting kids, and like no one wants to talk to her. So I think that's where a big part of discipline being a key factor in my kid's lives comes in. Like, sorry, Lucas. Look at your sister. 

Q. How do you and your wife parent differently?

A: Interesting question. Yeah, me and my wife,  she was just not raised like me. My wife, um, how do I describe it? Her parents had no control over their children, you know? She was just,  she just had no curfew. You, she. She had no responsibilities, she never had a job, like, her parents, like,  just never disciplined her. It was like they were friends, you know? They were the type of parents that, like, bought alcohol for all the kids in the grade and stuff like that. Terrible. Yeah, so when, um, when it comes to raising Lucas and Rose, like,  we just have different ideals and it clashes a lot. But, um, I would say I'm more of the hands-on type.  Well, she works more and stuff like that. So I kind of have to say at the end of the day, 

Q. Has your parenting style changed as your children grow?

A: Well, they're still pretty young Um, I can envision it changing more as they grow up and get more mature, and they're able to make good decisions on their own, and they don't need me to discipline them as much as they do now,  but as of right now,  yeah, my discipline style has stayed pretty steady over the years.  

Q: Is there anything you wish you could change about how you have raised your children?

A: I guess I spanked them when they were young because that's all I knew, you know, that's how I was raised.  So yeah, but looking back, you know, you just lose patience and you don't know what else to do, but.  I wouldn't do that to them anymore. And I would not recommend doing that in general to your children.

Q: What key things make a difference in a child’s growth and development?

A: I would just say patience and understanding. Like,  Kids are just, you know,  they're kids, they're not gonna act right all the time, and you can't just always be yelling at them and stuff like that. You need to have some patience, and you need to be able to explain why they're in trouble, and, and stuff like that. And you can't just, can't be easily annoyed and,

[etraudvenus]

Throes of Passion

“you're so hot. you're so hot, you're so fucking amazing at that isaac.

i know, i fucking know. i am tired, i am exhausted of knowing. i have to look at myself every single day on the mirror and, oh! the blush i put on makes me look so flustered and cute.

i was sculpted by the gods to sit next to you and look pretty, to show me off to all your friends, to post our pictures and make them all jealous.

he's so fun, he's so cool and artsy, he gives you all his love, you've never fucked as hard as after you've screamed at me and tried to ruin me.

you've never felt a love so wild, the way i put my cigarette between my lips makes you all hot and bothered, the way i look at you and smile with my eyes makes all your friends realize how boring their relationships are.

he's so very exciting, he's so shiny sitting next to you. but you always get bored of it. two years is how long his curse lasts. they weren't made to meet the parents, or to ever be a part of your friend group. i'm the one you make all your worst mistakes with before you find the one, the pretty little stepping stone to the true love of your life. i'm damaged goods, i'm too intense, im perfect to take on car rides and kiss next to the river at night. i'm the one you'll think about to excite you when you're bored of making love to your person. the craziest love you've ever felt, that can only last for two rides of the sun across the constellations. and in 10 years from now maybe you'll all still think of how my dark eyes shined under the night sky, at 5am while your true love is fast asleep in bed next to you. your calm and collected love. the obvious choice to make future plans with. i'm just the one for the wild rides, to look like the prettiest thing you've ever seen right before you strike my face.

and he looked so pretty crying after you left them that you just had to screw him one more time. they'll smile or cry at your demand, you can hit him and bruise him all you want and you'll know that's not nearly even on the list of the worst things he's seen.

you're the most amazing man i've ever met, can i fuck you again when the love of my life leaves me for a season? they'll always be there on their knees. always ready to feel your love with his imagination.”

The poem shown above, written on February 17th, was the starting point for my project about love, about finding a way to portray a feeling. Although the words themselves aimed for the specific through my own experiences and how people perceived them, when friends of mine reacted to the poem by feeling seen and understood, even if coming from a very different perspective, I realized it could be used in an artwork to mobilize the viewer to reflect on their own relationships, way of loving and being loved. 

For the most part, love has felt like a situation that happened to me, a feeling I stumbled upon and had to chase through whatever means necessary. Part of this can be blamed on something I’ve found to be very common among marginalized people, and it starts in childhood. Love is never just a feeling, so pure and vague that it can bypass the restraints of our oppressive reality; from a very young age, everyone feels social pressure, be it by parental figures or the media, to imagine themselves in romantic relationships as a natural and obligatory part of being. It’s also in childhood that we are most vulnerable to make these dreams exactly as it is seen and most accepted around us, without being able to critically access why Prince Charming is so often cisgender, white, able-bodied, skinny and so on. No matter how open-minded someone ends up being as an adult, there are years of unknowingly expecting a love that excludes marginalized people, and in turn, the same things are felt when you belong to a minority group.

Regardless of the community we fit into, we grow up being told we are undesirable, and sequentially, undeserving of love, which leads people with intersectional identities to a much more vulnerable position of accepting unworthy, sometimes even abusive relationships. Even in healthy relationships, falling in love with people who are not familiar with this experience can often still make us feel like, as I mentioned in my poem, “they weren't made to meet the parents, or to ever be a part of your friend group”. Not only that, but we are also more vulnerable to staying in these relationships because being loved can be a temporary fix for every time we were told to be unloveable and inferior. As Simone De Beauvoir puts it in her book ‘The Second Sex’ (1949) “The young girl dreamed of herself as seen through men's eyes, and it is in men's eyes that the woman believes she has finally found herself. [...] The woman in love feels endowed with a high and undeniable value, she is at last allowed to idolize herself through the love she inspires. She is overjoyed to find in her lover a witness” (pp. 678-679); although she makes this point for women, I argue that it also explains the feelings of other minority groups I have discussed previously.

“No doubt it was someone playing the role of leader who conjured up the notion that we "fall in love," that we lack choice and decision when choosing a partner because when the chemistry is present, when the click is there, it just happens-it overwhelms-it takes control.” Bell Hooks, ‘All About Love’ (2000) (p.171)

On the other hand, this experience of being helpless to romantic feelings can be explained through one of the theses of 'All About Love': true love is not a volatile and elusive emotion, but rather an action, a verb. In both the poem and the visuals for the film, I aimed to portray the idea of being loved, and admired for said love, that is based on the social performance that encompasses what it is to be me, but never gets to the root of who I am. In pursuing relationships with people whose love we “fall” helplessly into at first sight, chasing the “click” felt for who they want to portray themselves as, leads one steadily into the path of connections that value a lover’s words and social facade over those words told without speaking, in their actions and treatment towards oneself, themselves, and others around them.

By choosing to seek instead the connections made through someone’s behaviour rather than the attraction to ideas of how they are perceived, we invite in the love found through steadfast acts of care, that are unconditional to frivolous changes. Although, for this to be possible, there has to be a previous effort on both sides to be self-aware of one’s emotional needs and wants, as Hooks continues “If you do not know what you feel, then it is difficult to choose love; it is better to fall. Then you do not have to be responsible for your actions”. With romance based on choice, we avoid lovers whose actions show the opposite of their words, love and admiration that lack understanding of our true selves, and alienating endings that evade the responsibility of someone’s behaviour that can otherwise be blamed on a transient nature of feelings.

Hooks, B. (2000) All About Love. New York: HarperCollins. 

De Beauvoir, S. (1949) The Second Sex. Reprint, London: Random House.