#it's just random emotions today all i want to do is lay down and cry

[104thsquadfam]

[celestialtarot11]

PAC: Random Messages for You

Hi friends! Thought I’d do something tarot related instead of astrology today. Do enjoy and let me know your feedback down below! <: it means a lot to me and this blog.

Pile 1: Hi there pile 1! You may be experiencing a disconnect within your home life, or not even that but a disconnect to spirituality. There may be a lot of shifts and changes happening in your life at the moment, and it feels as though there’s a lot of tension within you. I’m seeing a box and it keeps folding in on itself, imploding not exploding. All that tension is really sitting within you. I encourage some (I heard bath therapy) so maybe some of you like to take baths with herbs, crystals, and candles. Do that! There may be some uninvited energy around you at the moment. Also some of you need sleep. Rest. Stay off the phone before bedtime, and if you can, meditate! Meditation can look different, for some its sitting in nature, going on a walk, or laying there. There’s a really huge shift here—I don’t think you expected this ending to have happened either with someone you loved or this disconnect either spirituality. I almost feel as if there’s this longing, but also hopeless feeling of: “why? Spirit? Why me?” And I heard: it matters where you are. So, if you’re in an environment where there are people taking advantage of you how can you set boundaries? What do you need? How can you make this process easier for you? It’s likely these people or this place is contributing to your issues at the moment. I also believe spirit wants to let you know that they hear you and are there for you <3 “it matters where you are,” they know, they’ve heard your prayers. If you need confirmation this is it. Journaling can help a ton, there’s a lot of mental energy but in the sense that its squashed. Normally you feel pretty upbeat but it almost feels as if there’s defeat and its a little too silent with all the things you wish to say. Express yourself. Cry it out. I also heard hug it out! So hug it out if you can with a friend, hugging yourself, or hugging a stuffed animal. Yoga may be great for releasing trapped emotions in the body too. I hope you feel better pile 1 <3 thank you for your support and being here.

Pile 2: Hi there pile 2! Welcome! For you I feel as though there’s a lot of green energy around you at the moment. It surrounds you like a garden! I can see your aura with vines, curling up to protect your space and flowers blooming all around. So beautiful! Im also hearing it took a long time to tend to this garden, so you really did take a lot of time to focus on your confidence, healing and transformation. Im also seeing a mermaid emerge from the sea and she’s by the moon. She looks carefree! That’s you. I feel as though you’re learning to vibe with being alone and being okay with being single, although you don’t necessarily have to be. You may be in a position of power in your career now or in the future will be. Im seeing someone grab a book and write down all their ideas and goals—with this determination in mind to make it happen! You may be a fixed sign or have multiple (Leo, Aquarius, Scorpio, Taurus) and suddenly it manifests. This is the kind of success you’ve been building up towards. I also heard this is the success where I feel at peace within myself. Its not necessarily about external factors (although it could be like owning a house—I heard that) its more so the peace that comes with trusting yourself now after all these years. I also see your third eye is open which is revealing to you things that were hidden before. Hidden knowledge. Im seeing spirit is giving you these messages as if its sacred—you’re drinking out of a golden goblet and its this magical juice lmao. Some of ya’ll have very imaginative inner childs and love to concoct stories, so maybe your inner child is out and about! I legit see your inner child dressed like a diva with their sunglasses, sparkly pink kitten heels to slay the day away! So cute. I just feel you have mended that relationship sincerely. You could be a: pisces, pisces 5h/1h, aries, leo, sag, cancer placements. I also see this is an important time for harvesting results. I heard: there is result beyond fear. There is relief beyond fear. On the other side of fear there is joy. So perhaps this has been a mantra for you. I see EFT tapping therapy, so maybe some of you engaged in this. I see breath work, learning to work with your energy. I heard kundalini as well! So some of you may certainly be focused on spirituality and practices. Your inner child is so important—literally hearing their words of awe at the world. Your encouragement means so much to them right now, it’s as if they’re allowing themselves to express themselves again! Thanks pile 2 for being here <3 means a lot to me!

Pile 3: Hey ya’ll it’s 10:10 as I write this so there’s a strong presence of spiritual support! Love that. You guys might be a virgo rising, have virgo placements, virgo 2h, or strong mercurial aspects. An exalted mercury even! I see that for you guys there’s this hazy thick fog. It feels as though your energy is very much guarded and anyone who tries to come in is maybe hit with a wave of confusion. Kind of like they’re stunned. Its kind of cartoonish, and silly. But I see this as a protective mechanism! You guys have been focused on getting your life together especially your finances. You could be budgeting more, spending less, and overall grinding. Keep it on the low and hustling. I also lots of self care so maybe you’ve switched your routine, you’re getting your hair done, nails, lashes, etc. You want to feel your best self and Im literally seeing your spirit team cheer and fist bump. Its like they’ve been wanting you to love yourself and—“finally you got the message,” is what I heard 😭 I’m also hearing “pump it up,” I know its a song, its pop music, really catchy. There’s a lot of happy bright energy surrounding you and I think you’re really feeling yourself. And I think that anyone who tries to disturb your peace I literally see you putting on sunglasses to act like they don’t exist. I feel like you guys are also really funny which people don’t expect—you have a very dry humor and might be great and stand up comedy. I also feel your phone is filled with a bunch of memes to go on the daily. It’s on butt dial at this point. I feel as though you appear intimidating but you’re really funny, chill, and grounded. You may have taurus/Capricorn placements as well. Lots of earth! Maybe all your big 3 is earth. I feel as though you’re being told to enjoy yourself and have fun! Let loose and chuck the ruled aside momentarily. It wouldn’t hurt to let go. I think for so long you’ve been hustling and grinding—so its time to celebrate how far you came! You may attracting suitors or attention is what I heard lol, lots of eyes on you! Especially through this transformation. I see you going from alone to suddenly everyone is around you. So maybe you’re graduating, getting that promotion, it’s your birthday, or there’s an event coming up! This is really going to help you feel your best self <3 Im also hearing euro pop music, so maybe ya’ll are into that. And dream of euro pop blasting in clubs (bring back this era) I dont know if you know Inna and her music. “Hot” by inna is playing! But thanks pile 3 for being here! Sincerely appreciate it all. Your feedback means a lot to me.

Extra

Paid Readings 🤍

[arminzblackbimbo]

touch my body

blackfem!reader x connie springer

tw: mdni, mention of pms, crybaby reader, mating press, and porn no plot

you think your pmsing

actually you know you are. this happens every month, you crying over random things. very small things like how your ice cream is melted when you took too long to eat it or how you couldn’t find your favorite skirt that you loved so much

now your crying in your boyfriends chest while he is rubbing your back trying to calm you down and console your shaking shoulders.“(୨୧), what’s wrong ?” he questioned you trying to see what happened this time to make you tears run. you can’t answer him, all you can think about is how he looks so handsome. you want to eat him whole, swallow him up but you can’t, and that makes you cry harder.

your emotions running wild while your makeup is running coming off on connie’s shirt. the loud sobs are caught in your chest “i-i-i just want you to fuck me” your still crying, you have so much sexual buildup even though connie fucks you full everyday. but today the feeling is worse it’s like you have to have sex or else you can’t breathe

“aww baby” he almost wants to laugh, your always crying like this. knowing you would throw a fit if you seen him chuckle. you still haven’t calmed down if anything your crying worse the wet spot on his shirt larger. he just sighs and tries to calm you down again. “ok stop crying sweetheart, you want me to fuck you right ?”

nodding your head now has you with your knees to your chest as he is rolling his hips into yours firmly. “connie your fucking me so good, so good”. his head lays right into your neck, your whispering right into his ear. making him swing his hips harder into yours.

your wetness coating him, the cream your creating makes it easier for the deep strokes he is giving you. the fire in your stomach that had you crying is almost put out. now he has you crying for a different reason. from how good he is hitting those spot in you has tears welling in your eyes

lifting his head he sees your cute nose sniffing while your lips tremble “always crying, my crybaby” he kisses your nose. his lips pecking all over your face, your moans stuck in your throat when he thrust into you harshly “huh why you crying now ?”

“i-i’m b-bout t-” your voice shakes, the hiccups caught in your chest. the way your legs are against your chest has his thickness hitting so deep into you, your toes curl so tight they pop. your lips wobbling when connie latches onto them. he knows your close, from how your body is reacting.

your moans ringing off his ear when he is digging into you, your plush walls squeezing him so tight when he hits those spot inside you so precisely. his hands firmly in the crease behind your knees, holding firmly. he separates from your lips to look in your eyes, he still gives you butterflies. it makes your stomach tingle making you feel the pleasure 10x more

his hazel eyes boring into yours when he sees them roll back. “there you go baby” he is proud to see you reach the edge knowing that pit in your stomach won’t be so heavy. he reaches down rubbing slow circles on your clit. you’re back arching up as much it can, squeezing him so tight when your wetness sprays against his waist

he has no restraint his tip jerking into you. spurting his cum so much it intensifies your senses. “thank you connie” you say sluggishly he knows just what to do to make up feel better

[gguk-n]

Tragic Circumstance (Oscar Piastri x Reader)

Summary- In a world where you are destined to be with someone forever, a hopeless romantic lives her life in hope of finally finding her soulmate.

Part 1 Alt ending

ENDING Oscar's POV

I felt uneasy leaving 'my soulmate' behind that day. But that was the right thing. I loved my girlfriend. We'd been together for so long. She was my comfort. I couldn't leave her for some random girl who said was my 'destiny'. I didn't look back, I didn't want to give her false hope. She deserved to find someone, someone who would love her and appreciate her; I couldn't be that someone.

I was genuinely happy with my girlfriend, now fiance. We had recently gotten engaged at a beach in Sydney. The thought of that fated soulmate of mine hadn't crossed my mind in so long, until today. The uneasy feeling was back, my heart started to ache and it was a weird kind of ache, like it knew something I didn't. I spent the next few days with my fiance and family, trying to ignore the ache in my chest. We were supposed to leave on Monday but I couldn't leave not when I felt this shitty. I lied that I missed my family and wanted to stay here for a little longer, she understood and left without me.

Today was Friday, the ache in my chest had increased and my throat was dry and constricted. I tried drinking water and going out for a walk. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to go to, so I went to the person I went to for all my problems, my mum. She was making dinner when I asked to speak with her. She told me to wait on the couch and that she'd be right with me. The pain in my chest kept increasing, what if I was having a heart attack; my brain had the most morbid thought. I sat down trying to control my breathing.

My mum sat next to me and smiled, "What did you want to talk about, darling?" It took a lot of effort to speak, "My chest hurts, mum. I think I'm having a heart attack" I said. She looked concerned and ready to call the ambulance asking since how long this was going on for? I replied, "a couple days, this is the reason I didn't leave on Monday." It was like a switched flipped in my mum's head. She gave me a weak, sad and knowing smile; like she knew something. She patted my chest, near my heart and started speaking "I remember when my grandma passed away, she had been sick for a few days. You'd think she was the one in pain but really it was granddad who was nursing a chest ache like no other. He prayed to stay alive until she left and had no qualm leaving with her. The day grandma died I heard grandpa wailing, she took my heart ache with her, I wanted to leave with her. In his hand lay his red string of fate attached to his pinky finger. It was like his heart knew she was leaving and couldn't bear it. He spent the next few years nursing the thread until he passed away one summer morning."

I couldn't understand why she was telling me this. I don't love my soulmate to feel these strong emotions. She gave me a hug and consoled me, "Your soulmate is probably sick or about to pass, that's why you've been like this. I know you rejected her but your connection still persists. She is still your soulmate and your heart will yearn for a love that was meant to be yours." I felt tears well up in my eyes. I looked down at my hand and saw the red string of fate severed at one end. I pulled away from my mother cradling my left hand. My mum saw my hand and started rubbing my back. "She was so young, we were about the same age." I spluttered. How could she have died? A million thoughts ran through my head. "That is a mystery we will never be able to solve, sweetheart. Let's just hope she was able to pass peacefully." my mum spoke. I buried my head in my palms and started crying. The ache in my chest slowly fading. The tears started to pour as the ache subsided. I felt responsible in a way. I shall carry this guilt for the rest of my life.

Me and my fiance got married in a small wedding a year from the day my soulmate passed. I even named our daughter after her. I never found out what happened to her, but that is a burden I am meant to carry. The red string sits in the drawer of my study table, secured in a glass box.

I hope you liked it, there's an alternative ending if you like happy ending

[yourlocallyneysimp]

"Would you cry if I died?"

Summary: How would they react if you asked them this question? Especially if they already know that you don't have much time left.

Characters: Albedo, Wanderer, Aether, Lyney, Cyno

Warnings: Death, lots of angst

A/N: This is so cringe, omfg- I was also in the mood for angst today I guess.

Albedo:

Albedo didn't know how to react. He didn't even move from the spot he was currently in. You were laying in bed watching Albedo as he was preparing your medicine since you were ill and needed something to keep you from failing him.

This question, he didn't know how to answer since Albedo technically wasn't human and he wasn't sure if shedding tears was possible for him. You knew that he wasn't human, but you were genuinely curious and wanted to know what he would reply with.

"I....I'm not sure."

You were expecting that answer and wasn't offended by it, so you quickly changed the subject into something more cheerful so Albedo wouldn't think too hard about the question. It worked, but later while he was researching on medicine for illnesses, the question still lingered in his mind. He was curious wondering if he really would cry, he wanted to. Not because of his research, it was because he wanted to show that he really did have feelings for you and that he really cared if you were ever released from the world of Teyvat.

It only took two months for your question to be answered before your health failed you. There you were in a random cave in Dragonspine warmed by a small campfire nearby with Albedo holding you in his arms. He knew that you were going to go soon since he could tell by how weak you were and how you looked. You looked very drained and tired and Albedo couldn't help but feel a painful sting in his chest. Something he has never felt before. He told you many times before that you werent supposed to leave his research area without anyone escorting you, but you wanted to see him as soon as possible because you felt more weaker than usual and you knew that you were going soon. You just wanted to see him one more time.

As he was holding you, you looked up at him and asked the same question again. This time Albedo replied by looking down at you, small tears threatening to fall. His eyes were beautiful, he truly was a beautiful to look at, especially when there were small tears at the corners of his eyes which made them look brighter.

"yes... I would."

You were happy, happy that he would shed tears for you. A small smile appeared on your face as you closed your eyes and prepared yourself to be released from the world of Teyvat.

Wanderer/Scaramouche:

"What......?"

You asked him the question one day out of the blue. He didn't know what to do, nor did he know what to say. He didn't even know the answer to that question. He was a puppet, a merely puppet that he told himself couldn't feel emotions.

You repeated the question trying to listen for an answer, but all Scara could think about was would he really cry? He thought human emotions were pitiful, especially the feeling of sorrow, but he was thinking long and hard to find the answer to this question.

You tried to change the subject because you could tell that he was thinking too hard about it, you were just curious. You wanted to know what he would say, but it looked like he wasn't going to reply any time soon.

When night came, Scaramouche was still thinking about the question you had just asked him a few hours ago. Would he cry for you if you died? He didn't want to say yes because he knew he was a puppet and that puppets shouldn't feel emotions, but he knew deep down that he would break down if you ever did die.

So that brings us here right now. Scaramouche holding you trying to shield you from the rain as you're suffering from a large injury on your abdomen. He was careless, he should have been payin more attention when he was fighting those enemies. Instead of him getting hit, you took the blow.

You clearly weren't going to live, you were losing blood fast and town was many miles away, so all Scaramouche could do was sit and hold you in his arms as he desperately tries to shield you from the rain while also trying to stop the blood.

When he realized that you're time was running out, he seemed... helpless. For the first time in a long time he felt that emotion that he never wanted to feel again. He couldn't save you and he knew it, but he didn't want to accept it. He was stubborn.

During your final moments, you smiled at him and said your final words. Then, you were gone, gone from Teyvat. All that was left was your lifeless body in his arms and a bunch of blood. When he realized this, one tear came down followed by another, and another. That's when Scara started crying for the first time in a while. He was hurt and felt betrayed that you had left him all alone. He was upset that he didn't pay attention during that battle.

He was upset that he couldn't save you.

Aether:

Aether was upset that you had asked him this question. It really made him feel a bit useless since he was doing everything he can to find a good healer for your illness. It felt like you were doubting him while in reality, you were just curious.

Aether didn't even reply to your question, he just walked out before you could even say anything. You understood that there was most likely a lot of thoughts circling his head at the moment so you let him go and continued talking with Paimon as if nothing had happened.

While you were with Paimon, Aether was on the balcony of your shared hotel room looking up at the fake stars trying to get his thoughts in order. Why would you ask him that question? Do you even think he has a chance of healing you? All these questions, yet they were left unanswered. He couldn't ask you either since he was afraid for what your answer would be.

He didn't want to think about it, he really didn't. But, against his own will he started having thoughts about if you really did die during his journey. Would he cry? Yes, without a doubt. Thinking about it is not the same as reality though. Reality hurts way more than the fake world that we call 'imagination.' So, if reality hurts way more than imagination, why was he currently crying? You weren't dead, you were currently in the next room talking with Paimon.

He couldn't even imagine how much he would cry if you really did die.

Lyney:

No.. Lyney didn't want to accept it. He didn't want to accept that you were going to leave him soon. Not the one he loved, the one he cherished, the one he would do anything for.

He didn't want to accept that you were going to die soon and he didn't want you to break the promise you made with him. Why did you even make that stupid promise in the first place when you were currently asking that horrible question??

He didn't know what to say. Of course he would cry, but why would you ask that? He completely convinced himself that you'll be fine and you just caught the flu or something. He didn't want to face reality or face the consequences so he just pretended that everything was fine. But you both knew that you did not have a lot of time left, so you asked him this question wondering what he'll say.

"My dear Y/n, what makes you say something like that?"

You hated this. You hated how he didn't want to be honest with himself. You didn't want to leave him in this state so you just said the truth right then and there to end this madness. You didn't want to be responsible for his sanity.

"Lyney, you and I both know I'm going to die soon. Just accept reality already!"

No.. He didn't want to accept it. He was angry, angry that you would talk like that, like you didn't believe he could save you. He was looking for a cure and he was going to find one whether you liked it or not. He promised himself that he would save you, so without a word he came up to you, kissed you on the cheek, and left. He needed some time to think, some time to come up with a solution.

Little did he know that, that would be his last conversation with you.

Cyno

"Where did that question come from?" Cyno was taken aback by your question, but was also really upset that you would ask him something like that. He didn't want to think about you dying all of a sudden, especially when the mood was bright just a few minutes ago.

Sighing, you just brushed off the question and tried to push past it. You were curious since your time on Teyvat was running out and you knew it. You just wanted to know if someone would actually miss you if you were gone. It seems that you won't be getting the answer to that question anytime soon.

Cyno noticed how awkward the atmosphere was, so trying to get rid of it he started telling some of his bad jokes hoping to light up the mood a bit.

"What does a baby computer call it's father?"

"Uh, I'm not sure."

"Data. You get it?"

"Cyno, please-"

To be honest, it did light up the mood quite a lot since you forgot what you even asked a few minutes ago, but Cyno didn't forget. He still thought about the question every now and then. He was afraid, afraid for when your time finally came. He promised himself that he would protect you no matter what, but could he really keep that promise...?

[theslvttysimp]

The Sinning Angel

I'm sorry but i can't get enough of Simeon being a dirty little slut. Here's some smut so I can get my fill.

NSFW

18+ ONLY

MINORS DNI AND DO NOT READ. YOU WILL BE BLOCKED.

AGLESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED.

TW: Choking, slapping, hair pulling.

Reader has female anatomy.

(NOT MY ART, FOUND ON PINTERST. ARTIST IS @fishheadakiraakira GO FOLLOW! They're open for commission!)

When Simeon has a bad day, he tends to hide is emotions pretty well. You might not notice that this beautiful angel before you is filled with frustration, but you'll find out later tonight. Between Luke acting up with his attitude, schoolwork at RAD, and random tasks Michael has him do on the side, he is stretched thin and frustrated. Being an angel, he's obligated to behave a certain way, even on his worst days. Angels are supposed to be levelheaded, gentle, and selfless.

We all gotta be a little selfish at times, right? At least that's what he tells himself when he fucks you.

On frustrating days like today, Simeon will take out all his stress on your weeping pussy. He'll pin your legs to the sides of your head, ram his huge dick into your crying hole, and fuck your brains out. He'll ignore your pleasure filled whimpers, using the toned muscles to pin you to the bed to make sure you don't move an inch so you can take all of his dick.

As his balls slap against your ass while in missionary, Simeon grabs a handful of your hair and pulls your head up from the pillow so he can get a look at your beautiful face. He stares at you, watching how your face contorts in pleasure, mouth agape as you moan in his face. He puts his head forward and bites your bottom lip, tugging at it with his teeth. He lets go of your head, causing it to fall back down on the pillow. He wraps both of his hands around your throat and squeezes, choking you as he pushes you down in to his thrusts to fuck you harder. There's something angelic about the way you look fighting for air below him.

On frustrating days like today, he feels that he always has to bend backwards for others, having little control over his decisions. When he fucks you on days like this, he wants to be in control. He knows that him being the cause of you struggling for air is a sin. He knows feeling your cream on his dick is a sin. He knows that filling you up with his cum is a sin, but sinning feels too good. Fuck being an angel, he'll sin with you for as long as he can. If he has to get kicked out of the Celestial Realm to release his hot sin into your heat, so be it.

" You are beautiful, MC. You love this dick, don't you?" he growls as you struggle for air, tears of pleasure welling in your eyes. Hanging on to your throat with his left hand, he cocks his arm back and smacks you across the face with his right. Your heat becomes flooded with your slick, creating even more beautifully wet noises than before.

He lets go of your throat and with you still on your back, he grabs your ankles and spreads your legs apart, spreading the lips of your heat. His gaze is fixed on your folds as your cream pools at the base of his dick. He lets go of one of your ankles and takes his thumb to rub circles on your clit. " O-oh Simeon!" you shout, gripping to the sheets above your head. " Cum with me, MC. Say my name louder" he grunts through his teeth, thrusting into you harder. After a few minutes, you are on the verge of your peak, but just not quite there yet. He cocks his arm back a second time and slaps you across the face. " I said cum for me! Say my name!" he orders.

You let out an ear piercing, messy moan as you reach your peak screaming his name, getting your slick all over the bed and his thighs. He fills you up with his hot, angelic cum and lays limp over your body, propping himself above you with his arms. He gives you a tired smile as he brushes where he slapped you with the back of his hand, soothing the red spot on your cheek.

He can live with the fact that he's your corrupted guardian angel. IF that means he can sin with you for the rest of your being, he'll take that title gladly.

[twice-inamillion]

Member Practice

Angst (morning sickness)

Chapter 201

1.1 K Words

(Sana stressed and morning sickness)

Another busy week. The members have been reviewing the choreography for this tour’s set list after experiencing a few mistakes during the Seoul concert. Today is no exception.

Footsteps are heard early in the morning; Sana rushes from her room and towards the bathroom. In front of her is Momo, who is opening the door and is about to go inside but is stopped by Sana, who is holding her hand over her mouth. She slams the door, lifts the toilet cover and drops on her knees, and hurls. “Sana, are you okay?” ask Momo as she slightly knocks at the door. Mina comes out of her room from the noise of the door being slammed, “What’s going on?” “Sana cut me off and is inside the room; I think she’s throwing up.” Mina walks towards the door, places her ear against the door, and tries to hear what is going on the other side of the door, “Sana unnie, are you okay?” All she could hear was hurling, and gaging sounds coming from the other side. It doesn’t take long until she hears the flushing of the toilet and the noise of the sink running. Out comes Sana with a paper towel in her hand, “Sorry, Momo, I just really had to use the restroom.” “Morning sickness?” asks Mina. “Yeah, it’s been bad lately. Comes and goes at random.” “It doesn’t seem right; I didn’t have much when I was pregnant. Why don’t you take the day off and rest? Don’t think the rest would mind if you take it easy.” “No, it's okay. Just give me a few minutes, and I’ll be okay.” “Are you sure?” asked Mina. “Yeah, I just going back to the room and lay down for a bit.”

————- The members arrive at the company training room and begin with the first choreography.

The first song is done perfectly, and we move on to the next one. The members are excited to move on, but Sana, on the other hand, is secretly already having a hard time just keeping up. With the next song, she begins to lag and make simple mistakes that the members notice. “Stop, play from the beginning,” to which Tzuyu pauses the music coming from the computer’s playlist. “5,6,7, 8” says Jihyo, and they begin from the top.

Only a couple of seconds in, the choreography is out of sync, “No, stop, stop, the music,” and Tzuyu walks back and turns it off. “What’s going on? It’s the second song, and we’re already having problems. Come on, girls.” The members look at each other and apologize to each other, and start again from the beginning. They finish the second song with fewer mistakes than the first two times and move on to the next one. “Okay, next one is “Dance the Night Away. Five, six, seven, eight..” and the music begins to play. Sana tries to keep up with the fast pace of the music but is a couple of seconds behind from the rest, “Oh, no. Please, not again,” as she feels the sudden urge to hurl.” The sudden movements make her feel unwell, and she tries to hang on as much as she can, but unfortunately, she can’t and leaves the practice midway in a hurry, covering her mouth.

The members look at each other in surprise as Mina follows Sana. “What happened? asks Tzuyu. “She wasn’t feeling well in the morning but said that she was okay before we practiced,” says Momo. The members talk amongst each other, trying to determine if Sana is okay. A few minutes later, Sana returns with a pale look, holding Mina’s hand. The members rush to Sana, trying to comfort her, “How do you feel? Are you okay? Do you want to rest a bit more?” Instead, Sana backs up and bows multiple times, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” The members are surprised and immediately try to get Sana back up. “Sana unnie, you don’t need to apologize. We know that you’re pregnant, and it can be hard for you. Please get up, unnie.”

They could see Sana get even more emotional, “I’m holding you, girls, back; I keep on messing up the routine. I even ran out mid-performance.” Sana can’t hold her cry any longer and begins to bawl. “You’re not holdings us back. It’s just practice, don’t take it too seriously. You know we love you no matter what,” says Nayeon. “Bu…but… I made a lot of mistakes during our last concert, I made us look bad in front of Once.” “Yeah, she did step on my foot twice that night,” says Chaeyoung as a joke. The members turn around and glare at Chaeyoung. Tzuyu and Jeongyeon approach her and smack her in the back of the head. “It’s not funny, Chaeyoung,” glares Mina to Chae, causing her to become silent. Nayeon hugs Sana, “How about we all rest for a bit and return later? Maybe some of us go out to get some drinks while the rest of you rest. With the member in agreement, the younger line go out to a nearby cafe. Nayeon and Jeongyeon have Sana in their arms, cuddling her like a little baby. They wipe the tears off her face as she closes her eyes for a quick nap. After falling asleep, some of the members ask each other if they have noticed any changes in Sana these past few weeks. “Well, I did notice her going over some of the fancam videos and our practice videos more intensely, but didn’t think much about it” said Jeongyeon. She has been staying longer in the practice room, but it didn’t seem like she was worried about her mistakes. I just thought she wanted some alone time,” said Momo. “She must have been really self-conscious about her performance. Why didn’t she tell us anything? That she was having a hard time? We could of helped her,” said Nayeon. “Most likely, she did not want to make us worry. You know how Sana is; she doesn’t like showing her feelings, especially when she’s upset,” said Jihyo. “We need to watch over her, especially now that she’s pregnant. We can’t have her s; its too much or over practice, it might be bad for her,” says Nayeon. The members agree and watch her sleeping until the other members come back. Once the rest of the members arrive, they enjoy their drinks and continue their break before returning to practice. They end up choosing an easier song to end with. Their day ends early, and they go back home, ensuring that they keep an eye on Sana to ensure she feels okay.

[brooooswriting]

Hello there ! I was wondering if I could request Wednesday & insecure!female!reader?

Like one day she just ask Wednesday why she couldn’t look as pretty as the other girls, why her hair wasn’t perfect every day, why she couldn’t be genuinely happy all the time and if Wednesday ever thought about it too?

Just some fluff and hurt/comfort❤️❤️

I hope you like this:)

All the pretty girls

Why do our brains always trick us into believing that we’re not enough? That was a question you often asked yourself, and the question why you actually weren’t enough. You haven’t felt like you’re enough since you could think and honestly, until Wednesday came along, nobody every gave you the feeling that you were.

You had a sister she’s has always been the beauty and the smart one while you were, well, what were you? The name ‘almost’ seems pretty fitting, you were almost as beautiful as your sister, you were almost able to go get the same grades as her and you were almost not fucked up. Since you could think your family told you stuff like “you aren’t that stupid” and “you know, your sister is so beautiful but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t. You’re just… different”.

These were things that “probably caused you to have body dysmorphia”, so principal Weems who often talked to you about your problems. You didn’t really talk about them with anyone else, Wednesday was uncomfortable when talking about emotions which is why you decided to leave her out of it. She already had to deal with someone like you as a girlfriend.

Your insecurities and dysmorphia had their up and downs, there were days where you almost seemed normal but then there were days where you could barely Stop crying when you saw yourself and you just couldn’t stop comparing yourself to others.

Just like today, your day already started terrible when you looked into the mirror to see four new pimples in your already ugly face and your hair didn’t want to be tamed today. And it got way worse when you saw Wednesday at Bianca with love in her eyes.

This was nothing against Bianca in general, it was more against how she looked and how smart she was. How could she be so awesome while you were just you? It didn’t seem fair to you, you fairly tried everything to get prettier but here you were still ugly. It all sucked and you were nearly having an attack.

You barely made it through your last two classes without a break down, but you did it now sitting on Wednesday’s bed while she pursued her writing hour. It wasn’t uncommon for you to sit there in silence while she wrote but right now you just wanted comfort. Unable to just lay still you decided to busy yourself with your phone, instagram to be exact.

And this was your downfall, you saw so many pretty girls that your mind went into a spiral. “Why do you like me?” You suddenly asked Wednesday pulling your knees up to your chest. “What?” The girl turned around her facing showing small signs of confusion. Sure, sometimes you were pretty random but this was new.

“Why do you like me huh? Why don’t you like Bianca or Yoko?! Or maybe you do like them and I’m just a toy for you to play with! Is that what I am? Just a thing to do when you’re bored? An experiment?!” By now you knew that you were talking bullshit but your mind made you believe it. You angrily stood up walking in front of the mirror, tears filling your eyes.

Wednesday hesitated for a second looking at Thing before standing up and walking behind you. She didn’t hug you, she just stood close to you looking into your eyes through the mirror.

“Be honest, you also think about it right?” You whispered looking down to avoid even more tears. “Think about what?” The Addams girl asked, her body tightly pressing against yours. “About why I’m so different to the other girls. Why isn’t my hair always perfect? And why I’m so ugly and why can’t I always be happy like the others? You thought about it too right?” You were rambling and it started to hurt wednesdays head. Not the rambling on it’s own, she was used to that from you and Enid, but the way you talked about yourself made her mad.

The dark girl always hated physical contact but in this moment she wanted nothing more than to hold you and keep you safe so she did. Her arms wrapped around your waist from behind and she pulled you into her even more. “The only things I ever thought about were why you’re so beautiful and how I can make you realize that” she whispered into your ear her voice softer than ever.

The older Addams sibling moved the two of you to her bed laying down cuddling. “Look cara Mia, I’ve noticed this behavior in you rather often and I also believe that you have body dysmorphia. You’re beautiful, your hair looks perfect daily and you’re the best thing that has happened to me and you talking about yourself like this is torture. And not the good kind” she comforted you, gently kissing your lips.

It was clear that she was a bit uncomfortable and stiff but she would do anything for you. “I’m sorry that I interrupted your writing time” you mumbled into her neck. “That’s alright, but do you think you could tell me what happened?” Her voice was back to her stoic one but you knew she cared nonetheless.

“I’ve never been good enough for anyone, my family always compared me to my oh so wonderful sister, and all her friends. I’ve never gotten a ‘you did good’ or ‘you’re enough’ while she was always so perfect. It hurt and Weems said it probably left scars on my self esteem. Today… today when you were talking to Bianca you seemed so intrigued into her beauty and it made me self conscious” you explained playing with her fingers, a habit when you were nervous.

“Cara Mia, we talked about you, that’s why I was so intrigued” she whispered caressing your back carefully. Your lips were pressed together in some soft pecks. “Thank you, my dark cloud” you mumbled before falling asleep.

The moment when Wednesday saw that you fell asleep she kissed your forehead promising to never let you feel like an ‘almost’ again.

[littledollll]

Can you do a Larissa x reader comfort fic?

Fem reader is an empath. And can form bonds with people if they choose. Due to reader and Larissa being together there is a bond which allows reader to feel Larissa’s emotions and project her own onto Larissa. (Think like jasper from twilight 😂)

Prompt would be|

Something like reader has family issues and one day her mother turns up at Nevermore to talk but walks in on Larissa and reader cuddling or something similar. Reader isn’t out yet due to the relationship between them both being poor. The mother then gets angry with reader for not telling her etc and reader just sits numb and unknowingly activating her empathic power till the mother leaves before breaking down In Larissa’s arms. ~shy anon

Home

Larissa Weems x empath!reader

A/n: writers block has been hitting hard recently so I hope this is okay!

Warnings: toxic ass mother, crying, idk what else

You and Larissa started dating after your first year at Nevermore, you being the new counselor at the school you grew on the students and staffs hearts rather quickly, you allowed everyone to feel understood, like they weren’t alone, that’s certainly needed in a school of outcasts, and even more the schools principal, you two bonded quickly, making you physically and emotionally inseparable, she could feel you and you could feel her, no matter how far apart you were.

Now it’s been 3 years since you swooned the principals heart, you and Larissa decided to room together not long ago, which you both quickly agreed you should’ve done sooner. You’d never really spoken much about your family or your relationships with them, all Larissa knew was that it wasn’t great, she didn’t really know the extent of it, not until today.

Once a month Larissa would give a random extra free day, students and staff alike could use it to go into town, catch up on work, or just rest, which is what you and Larissa chose for today. It had been peaceful until now, you decided a lazy day would be best, just the two of you in bed, order take out when you wanted to eat and do relatively nothing, which felt weird for the workaholic that Larissa is.

You were curled up on the couch, your back against her chest, going through a rewatch of all your favorite movies when there was a knock on the door. Apparently one of you forgot to lock if because after the third knock you decided to ignore the door swung open to reveal, your mother? What the hell was she doing here? Larissa spoke up while you just sat frozen. “These are private quarters. It’s rather impolite to burst in, unless there’s an emergency?”

Your mother looked at both of you, analyzing what she was seeing, then turned to Larissa seething. “The emergency is that my daughter has completely fallen off the face of the earth after arriving here, and now I come visit and she’s laying with some girl?” You finally stood and spoke up, no way she was going to speak to Larissa that way, much less in your own room.

“I tried calling, all you ever did was yell and complain, I’m grown and tired, mother, and very much independent why do you care where I am? She is not ‘some girl’ she’s a woman, a very responsible, strong and respected woman, and if you’re going to show respect and basic fucking human decency.” Larissa could feel your dread at the situation how angry you were for her to just show up and start another fight, but also your pride in how you spoke about her, it made her heart swell as she stood beside you.

“Since when do you even like girls, what the hell is this. I didn’t raise you to be like this, where you simply never going to tell me?” Her face twisted in disgust and disappointment as she spoke to you. Larissa swears she’s never felt your emotions drop so fast. It was all anger for one second and the next absolutely nothing. She tilted her head at you, hand coming to rest on your back.

“I want you to get the hell out of my home, now.” You said, completely void of any emotion. Larissa agreed. “I’d love to call security to escort you out but I feel as though we can avoid that, please make your way out, somebody will be waiting for you at the front.”

As your mother walked away grumbling to save herself the embarrassment of being dragged away٫ Larissa closed the door, making sure to lock it before walking back to you, who was already silently curled up on the couch again. Larissa chose to keep quiet, shifting you so she could lay behind you like your were before.

“…I can’t let her see me like how I feel, I feel like screaming and sobbing, maybe punching her across the face in all honesty-“ Larissa quietly chuckled at that before letting you continue. “But I can’t- I can’t let her know she got to me, she can’t know her efforts were successful. I would rather die- than let her win.” The act fell and you broke down everything you couldn’t allow your mother to see, Larissa saw it all and she held you through it٫ soothing hands playing with your hair, allowing you to speak.

“My whole life she’s never had a single good thing to say, would directly go against anything I wanted, I had a total lack of support- I couldn’t let her go against who I love too, so I kept it shut.” She wrapped her arms lovingly around you, resting her chin on your shoulder. “Is this why you never talked about her?” You nodded. “She’s ruined everything else for me, you, this school, are the only things she hadn’t gotten to yet-“ Larissa held your jaw making you look at her. “My love, nothing and nobody can take away my love for you, she can’t ruin us.”

“She won’t be coming back, I’ll ban her from the school, security won’t let her through.” She kissed your cheek before continuing. “Nevermore is our home, you don’t need to hide here, not your identity, or your emotions, you are loved and celebrated by all of us. And she can’t take that away.”

[karkallicious]

Homestuck as random bullshit I've said EB: someone's gotta tell betty crocker to lay off the cocaine.

EB: i’ve seen michael cera more times than i’d like to today.

EB: i'm sure ben stiller is a decent guy irl but if given the choice between being shot or watching all of his movies i'd ask about the bullet caliber.

TT: Women only want me for my skills in the occult and not my great personality or awesome ass...

TT: That sounds like an issue you should take up with Freud.

TT: But when someone add's apostrophe's to any word that end's with s? You went out of your way to add those. Ignoring your spell check screaming and crying. A tear rolling down the cheek of your elementary school teachers.

TT: Sometimes I'll see an incredibly minor typo and have to resist the urge to be the most pedantic person known to humanity.

TT: This is eldritch horror fucker discrimination.

TG: you dont just take someones obama prism away man

TG: i draw the line at rapping muppets dude

(when questioned as to why $100 was spent on a sword) TG: uh. well. it's a sword.

TG: well it doesnt sound as hilarious to review dildos and say "this one is sans" when you guys are this unenthusiastic

TG: if i ever die play caramelldansen at my funeral TG: theres no sentimental reason or anything TG: i just want to completely throw off the vibes

GG: i’m on board with men in maid dresses regardless of furry status coward

GG: home alone so things are getting pretty wild (talking to a cactus)

GG: local bitch takes "worst nap ever" wakes up several hours later sweaty and somehow more tired

(extreme cold warning in effect, active blizzard outside, sent at 7:18 pm) GG: my grandpa and i are going to dairy queen just for the hell of it

GG: I was gonna get shit done today, so I made a pie.

GG: The only explanation I had for my impromptu dessert making was “This is how I deal with stress...”

GG: Getting genuinely invested in the Cookie Clicker stock market.

TT: (watches toddler trip and fall) skill issue

TT: I frankly think it's a tragedy disney hasn't remade more movies but with muppets.

TT: They're just like "yeah okay dark lord with a robot army we all know you have a ponysona"

TT: I don't make a habit of looking at US political figure anime boy mpreg.

(while holding a katana and talking to a poster) TT: Do you think I make too many impulse purchases, Hatsune Miku?

TG: if not meant to claw grip kitty head why kitty head so holdable

TG: "it's a bad omen when a black cat crosses your path" incorrect, my day has just been significantly improved by seeing a kitty

(on fruitcake) TG: listen you have to pour alcohol into that shit until too many pieces could have you stumbling. great grandma knew how to party

GT: My amusing mugs have had the side effect that today my grandma asked me if she should go full goblin mode or if I wanted to.

GT: You don’t ask questions when a game makes the bold decision to sexualize a t-rex.

GT: Thinking about the time we played a murder mystery game as a family and I got way too into character as a victorian era author.

GT: I'm still disappointed about the time my zoo camp didn't get to watch the tigers being fed because like 15 tornadoes were headed towards us.

GT: Hey lads I just almost accidentally blinded myself.

AA: i love ritualpastas. i like to figure out at what point i would fail and probably get my skin turned into a throw rug or smth

AA: (skelet0n v0ice) hey bitches

AA: oh i have demons in me now thats fun

AA: d0 gh0sts c0unt as pe0ple?

AA: there would be teeth scattering like a fucked up sprinkler

AT: tHIS ISN'T ABOUT PORN ANYMORE IT'S ABOUT MAKING MORE POKEMON COMPETITIVELY VIABLE

AT: i’D LIKE TO THINK I’M NOT OVERLY EMOTIONAL BUT JUST NOW I ALMOST CRIED BECAUSE I REMEMBERED THE SOUND PORCUPINES MAKE AND I REALLY WANT TO HUG ONE BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF PORCUPINES I CANNOT

AT: i CAN FAINTLY HEAR A CHICKEN IN MY NEIGHBORS’S YARD,,, wHAT

AT: i JUST SPILLED HOT COFFEE ON MYSELF AND APOLOGIZED TO THE BARISTA PROFUSELY

TA: my neme2ii2, biilly bob rockafiire. iit wa2 dark iin there.

TA: (dub2tep play2 a2 ii collap2e on the floor)

TA: ii don't thiink ii've giiven a fuck iin 2everal year2

TA: at thii2 poiint ii’m a2kiing the computer iif iit want2 a blood 2acriifiice

CG: *PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS AND IM NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT IN NINTENDO GAMES WHICH I PLAY DUE TO THEIR MORE CALM NATURE*

CG: IMAGINE THE MOST LOUD, DISAPPOINTED, DEFEATED SIGH YOU CAN. ON MY BEHALF.

CG: I WILL FUCK MYSELF OUT OF SPITE. IT WILL BE AN ENDLESS FEEDBACK LOOP, AN INFINITE ENERGY SOURCE, OF SPITE AND SELF FUCKING

CG: "THAT'S A PROBLEM FOR FUTURE ME," I SAY, FORGETTING THAT NOW FUTURE ME HAS TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEM

CG: UGH THIS PLACE IS FULL OF PEOPLE AND THEYRE ALL STUPID AND I HAVE NO ONE TO VOICE MY GRIEVANCES TO OUTSIDE OF THE INTERNET.

AC: :33 < you meow in theory catgirls would probably eat anything smaller than them based on actual cat behaviours

AC: :33 < i at one point went out in public with homemade cat ears and a tail and tbh it wasn’t that bad. like sure people might judge but it turns out being cringe is being fr33

AC: :33 < *bap bap bap bap bap*

AC: :33 < i just wanted to try something but discovered the owo extension was twagically wemowoved. a woss fur evewybody

AC: :33 < today i said "you will be exiled for your baby crimes" because my cat was messing with my sketchbook

GA: If You Wouldnt Fuck A Vampire Minimum Youre A Coward

GA: I Use Amazon The Least I Can Out Of Spite That They Took Away My Favorite Fabric Store

GA: My Aesthetic Is Vampire Aligned Not Ghost Aligned I Dont Wear White

GA: I Am Going To Forcefeed You An Entire Fucking Dictionary

GC: 1 DON'T CONDON3 CR1M3S GUYS. UNL3SS TH3Y'R3 FUNNY

GC: TH3 ONLY V4L1D CH4NG1NG LOGO TO R41NBOW FL4G TH1NG 1S WH3N TH3 SCP FOUND4T1ON DO3S 1T

GC: 1T’S TH31R F4ULT TH3Y COULDN’T H4NDL3 B31NG D3C4P1T4T3D OFF1C3R >:]

GC: DON'T D13 DUD3 TH4T WOULD B3 D3C1D3DLY UNG4M3RL1K3 OF YOU

AG: remem8er kids: no matter how 8ad things get, at least you’re not the middle dude in a human centipede. pro8a8ly.

AG: spider furries: “88w88 what’s this?”

AG: may god have mercy on your 8ones because I won’t

(about a ripped cat plushie) CT: D --> we can rebuild him. we have the technology.

CT: D --> why must being cool come at the cost of being really sweaty

CT: D --> that's a horse... with an ass on both ends...

TC: WhY wOuLd YoU bUy *ShRoOmS* oN *eTsY*

TC: SoRrY wRoNg PoSt I wAs TrYiNg To ShArE cLoWn MiLkInG

TC: “AnY lAsT wOrDs, PuNk?” “HoNk”

TC: I hAvE aCtUaLlY eAtEn LeMoN sLiCeS aT rEsTaUrAnTs As ThE wAiTeR wAtChEs In HoRrOr

CA: i wwas nevver invvited to any high school parties. they might havve happened. i just wwas not invvited

(about invasive fish coming onto land) CA: i knoww this is an envvironmental hazard and all but let’s face it it’s a little funny

CA: i havve an spqr hat and i lovve it but also don't wwant people coming up to me like "you knoww wwhat the romans did right" like if i did not knoww a god damn thing about roman history i wwould not be wwearing the hat

CA: i'm a slut in theory. in practice i am not vvery good at it.

CA: anyone wwho thinks i'm insufferable for acknowwledging that i'm not unattractivve is ignoring all the other perfectly vvalid reasons i'm insufferable.

CC: one time I managed to make ocean puns back and fort)( wit)( a friend for like an )(our and I t)(ink our friend w)(o was also in t)(e car actually contemplated krilling us

CC: starfis)(... are mermaid nipple clamps

(Sends picture of a horde of goldfish) CC: my entourage

[succubusphan]

Two Man Team - Chapter 9

Summary: This is the story of two struggling friends who after many trials and tribulations find their way back to each other and build the life they've always dreamed of.

Or how Phil changed his life by talking to random strangers on the internet.

Rating: E

Tags/warnings: Friends to lovers, Friends with benefits, mental health issues (mainly anxiety), Slow burn, Dan is a psych student. Canon divergence (the timeline is altered and some things never happened), Slutty Phil, Angst with a happy ending. The fic spans many years.

Author's Note: Written for the OSPBB 2023 @oldschoolpbb. Thank you @effingmeteors for being my life saviour and beta as usual and to my artist Lin @anironsidh.

Edits and the art will be added at some point, we are busy bees.

POSTING EVERY DAY UNTIL IT'S COMPLETED.

Total Word Count: 75k ish

Read on Ao3

CHAPTER 9: Dear Love

The anxiety-induced stomach pain was so strong that Phil thought he would start crawling up the walls of his flat. On one hand, he didn’t want to cry, on the other, he felt that it would probably provide some sort of release to all the emotions he’d been bottling up for the past five years. He finally had answers, stupid answers, shitty answers even, but maybe this would help him move on. He walked into his flat and started stripping, leaving a trail of clothes all the way down to the bathroom where he looked at himself in the mirror and shook his head at his heartbroken expression. He hopped into a scalding shower, washing himself before deciding to sit there and let the water melt his pain away.

“I never got over you, Phil. I still feel exactly the same,” he heard Dan’s voice saying over and over. 

He huffed.

Phil was still mad because he had been the one trying to remain friends but his attempts had been met with rejection. It was not up to him to keep trying forever and it was very hurtful that Dan had taken it that way. Even if he couldn’t handle the fact that Phil had feelings for him, they could have stayed friends, there was no need for Dan to leave him behind like a piece of trash.

His phone started ringing somewhere, his bedroom perhaps. It didn’t matter, he could ignore it and whoever it was would give up soon enough - or that’s what Phil had thought. It rang, and rang, and rang for a long time, until Phil got so annoyed that he towelled himself off and went in search of it. 

It was laying on his bed, ringing, mocking him as he read the name displayed on the screen. It was Dan. 

The fact that Dan had kept his phone number all this time and not texted him added salt to injury. This time he rejected the call and sent Dan to voicemail, smiling as he pictured Dan's dejected face on the other side of the line. It was out of sheer pettiness but he couldn't help himself; it was a small victory but a victory at last.

But it didn’t last long. It seemed that Dan had chosen not to leave a voicemail and opted for calling back again. Phil raised one eyebrow as he shot daggers at his phone screen. He felt the pain inside him turn into ice, hot ice. “What do you want?” he spat as soon as he picked up the phone.

“Please, Phil. Please, please let’s keep talking. I am willing to keep apologising to you.”

“Oh, you can keep apologising as many times as you want and however you want. I heard your apology, which is more than what you did for me, that doesn’t mean that you deserve to be forgiven.”

“I know that,” Dan said, his voice shaky, as if he was holding back tears. “I just - I’m so sorry. And I’m sorry that I was angry today. I had no right to be angry when I was the one to mess up everything,” he continued.

Hearing Dan so upset made Phil’s eyes well up, but he refused to let the tears fall. He wouldn’t give Dan that power over him. He took a deep breath and said his peace: “Let me ask you something: Have you considered that maybe I was never actually projecting and that by assuming that you not only treated me like an idiot but it was also clearly fueled by your unresolved low self-esteem? You just couldn’t believe that someone you were attracted to and was your match in literally everything could be attracted to you because you hated yourself and didn’t think that anyone else would truly love you so you made this theory up in your mind to justify running away?”

Dan sniffled but stayed silent for a little while, so much so that Phil would’ve thought the call was dropped if he didn’t hear Dan trying to calm himself through breathing techniques. 

“Sorry,” Dan said shakily.

“Stop apologising!” Phil snapped.

“Ok,” Dan mumbled. “I - I never thought about it like that.”

Phil wanted to question Dan on whether he truly got his degree because he felt that it was a fairly obvious analysis of the situation, but he decided that despite how hurt he felt, he was not going to insult Dan’s intelligence so harshly. “So you always doubted yourself, but in this particular matter, you decided to doubt me and my feelings and intentions, thinking that you were better at understanding me than myself. It couldn’t have possibly been that someone actually cared about you. It had to be some sort of mistake or something that you manipulated me into,” he said, his tone as even as he could make it while still being upset.

“I can’t- “ Dan said. “I want us to keep talking about this, if you are up for it, but this changes everything. I think I need to take a few days to think about everything again and speak to my therapist. I am… freaking out again, to be honest.”

Phil thought about it for a moment. When he left the bar, he was sure that he didn’t want to speak to Dan ever again but now he wasn’t so sure anymore. Now he felt like he needed to see this through, wherever the discussion would take them. “Alright,” he said simply.

Dan let out a choked sob. “Thank you, thank you,” he whispered. “I promise, I will call back soon, I just need to - yeah.”

Swallowing the urge to stay on the line and comfort Dan in spite of everything, Phil cleared his throat and spoke softly. “Take care.”

“You too,” Dan said and Phil immediately disconnected the call.

Phil let his arm fall and stared at his phone screen. It was just after 7 and he was ready for the day to be over already but he hadn’t eaten anything all day. He felt nauseous both because of his empty stomach and because of everything that happened. 

He got into bed and pulled the covers over his head, feeling the tears prickling in his eyes, his breath becoming more laboured with every passing second as he hesitated to make the call. It rang twice before the call connected. “Mark?” He said, trying to sound normal but failing.

“Babe, what happened?” he asked. 

“Love? Oh, is it Phil?” asked Noah in the background. 

“Yeah,” Mark whispered. “Sounds like he’s crying.” Then he addressed Phil. “You’re on speaker now.”

“Sorry,” Phil said. “I didn’t know what else to do. I met up with Dan.”

“Oh my god!” said Mark and Noah on the other side. “Babe, we’re coming,” added Noah.

Phil smiled, thankful that Noah had become such a good friend as well instead of being jealous of Phil and Mark’s past. “Thank you, guys.”

“Ask him if he needs food!” Noah yelled, now sounding further away from the call.

“Have you eaten?” Mark asked.

“No, can you bring some bread, maybe?”

“Oh, darling we’re bringing more than just bread,” Mark said.

“We’re sleeping over!” Noah announced.

Phil nodded even though they couldn’t see him. “Alright. Still have the key?”

“You know I do,” Mark said. “Try to sleep a little if you can. We’ll be right over.”

“Kay.”

For some reason, the call made his urge to cry ease away and replaced it with a pounding headache and dizziness. Phil shut his eyes and by the time he opened them Noah and Mark were in his bedroom with worried faces.

“Babe?” Mark tried, but Phil couldn’t utter a word, instead, the dam finally broke and he began to sob like he hadn’t sobbed in years, so much so that he could barely breathe. Mark pulled him into a tight hug and Noah sat at his side shushing him and rubbing circles on his back.

Eventually, Noah went to reheat the food for Phil and let them talk privately if they wanted to, loudly announcing when he was coming back into the room. “Do you want me to wait on the sofa?”

Phil reached a shaky hand out to him. “No, don’t leave.”

Noah nodded and sat at their side, his fingers still laced with Phil’s.

“What happened?” Mark asked. “Did you just run into him again?”

“Again?” Noah asked, raising one eyebrow.

Mark shot him a disapproving look which made Noah raise his hands. “Sorry.”

“I ran into him a few days ago, he acted a bit odd, like he was surprised to see me. He was with his partner, a guy called Sebastian that kept shooting daggers at me, especially when Dan spent a few minutes talking to me as if we were completely alone, ignoring him until I just said hi.”

“No!” said Noah, bewildered.

“Yeah,” Phil said. “It was weird. Then he wrote his phone number down on the palm of my hand and I left because that’s when Mark was waiting for me at the cinema, and when I grabbed a soda it had condensation on the outside and it erased the number, so that was that.”

“Right,” said Mark, trying to make Phil cut to the present. “So?”

Phil unlocked his phone and showed them the Facebook Messenger exchange.

“I thought you didn’t have him as a friend,” Mark said as he skimmed through the messages.

“I didn’t. He sent me the request after we ran into each other.”

“What happened today?” Noah pressed.

“We argued a lot,” Phil admitted, pressing his hand to his forehead, attempting to keep the impending headache away. “It was very messy. There were moments in which it was so easy to fall back into our old dynamic and I didn’t even feel angry at him, but then I kept remembering how much he hurt me. His reasoning for cutting me off was very… complex.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “He felt overwhelmed by a lot of things and he wanted to be with me, but he wasn’t sure if I wanted to be serious about him and he was jealous of Mark too. Sometimes his explanation was conflicting in itself, he was going a bit in circles, particularly about why he never reached out.” 

Mark frowned. “What did he say?”

“That he needed to stop being Dan from Dan and Phil to grow and accept himself, and he felt judged by people, so he stopped talking to me and he would do it again if he could go back in time, but he also said that he had hoped I would text him eventually. It didn’t make a lot of sense.” Phil shrugged. “Oh! And the best part was that he thought I was projecting because he was acting as my therapist at some point and it’s easy to fall for your safe person when you are unstable or something.” He tried not to get mad again, but just thinking about it all was not helping matters.

“I don’t think that supporting someone as a friend qualifies as being their therapist. Otherwise, I am going to need a few thousand pounds from you,” said Mark, trying to soothe Phil with humour.

Phil gave him a small smile. “Exactly. Then at one point we discussed him posting a video speaking about his entire issue with being online and his sexuality crisis and he wanted to mention that we were more than friends so he asked me if I was ok with it and if I would read the script.”

Noah’s eyes widened. “What did you say?”

“I didn’t agree or disagree, but for a second there I was fully on board for reading his script. Then I started questioning his whole… reasoning behind how he acted and he brought Mark and me up, and how Mark would be rude and compete with him, and he still sounded jealous. He managed to slut shame me for having sex with my friends but also said that he was not over me, even now and that he still had feelings for me.”

Mark raised his hand. “I have a question. I don’t want to think the worst of him, which is hard, because - well, you know how I feel about him.”

Phil nodded.

“But I feel like this could be a ploy because he wants to post this comeback video and bring up the ship and say it was real. Like, you have 4 million subscribers now and he only keeps losing ever since he stopped posting,” Mark said.

“If it was anyone else,” Phil said, shaking his head, “I think I would be suspicious of that, but I don’t think that’s it.” He still couldn’t bring himself to think the worst of Dan.

“But you said he has a boyfriend, right?” Noah asked.

“He does,” Phil said, biting his lip and pausing for a moment. “But after we agreed to meet, his relationship status changed to it’s complicated and the guy was no longer tagged in there.”

“I need your phone, like right now,” Noah said.

Phil gave him the phone and Noah gasped, covering his lips with his hand, his eyes full of glee. “He’s single!”

“No!” said Mark, trying to lean closer to see what his boyfriend was looking at. “Did he break up with his boyfriend for you?”

Phil shrugged. “I would have broken up with my boyfriend if they wanted to meet up with their former friend they used to fuck.”

Noah looked between them and shrugged. “It depends on how things play out, I guess.”

“I swear you are the most mature person I’ve ever met,” Phil said, feeling a bit better with his friends at his side.

“When he wants to,” Mark added. “We should eat before it gets cold.”

Noah rolled his eyes at the comment. “I’m fairly certain that it’s cold already but let’s move to the sofa and I’ll serve. If you guys want to put it in the microwave you can.”

“What’s for dinner?” Phil asked, feeling like a child. He got up and walked down the hallway with the guys in tow. 

“Pasta bolognese and roasted pears for dessert,” Noah said, as he walked into the kitchen.

“Thank you!” Phil said, watching Noah begin to assemble the plates until he felt Mark pulling him away.

“We’ll be in the living room, love,” Mark said, dragging Phil to the living room and sitting him down on the sofa before taking the place next to him. He observed Phil in silence for a moment, seemingly trying to read his face “Why were you so upset? Your timeline in this whole mess hasn’t been very straightforward.”

Phil let out a frustrated huff; he always got distracted while telling stories. “The conversation was confusing for me as well. We had nice moments, honest moments and we snapped at each other. So, we went out for a coffee and then he apologised and eventually said that he still had feelings for me and tried to grab my hand and I freaked out and left.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” Mark said.

Noah walked in with their plates. “I was listening from the kitchen, I need my plate and I’ll be back.”

“Alright,” Phil said with a smile, speaking a bit louder so that Noah could hear better. “So, I came home, hopped in the shower and tried to cry but I couldn’t, and Dan was blowing up my phone. By the way, I never gave him my number back so he had it all this time and he didn’t call.”

“What?” Noah screamed from the kitchen. He rushed back, nearly falling over with his meal.

Mark rolled his eyes and got up to help Noah settle with them.

“Yeah, so I rejected his calls because I got angry about that, but he wouldn’t stop calling so I picked up and by then I’d had time to go over some of the things he said and the fact that his arguments were bullshit,” Phil said.

“Like what?” Asked Noah.

“Dan has always thought that he didn’t deserve love and that nobody liked him because he was bullied a lot growing up, it was a whole thing. So I told him that he made up this narrative in which I didn’t even know what my feelings for him were, or that he manipulated me into having feelings for him through therapy, instead of just thinking that the person that he was attracted to liked him back. And that took him by surprise. He started crying and asked that we speak in a few days and he sounded so broken that I said yes.”

“This is good, right?” Noah asked, looking into Phil’s eyes. “Because he said he still has feelings for you and you obviously still love him too!”

If looks could kill, Mark would have gone to jail for murdering his boyfriend right then and there. “Love, some things, you don’t say out loud.”

Noah winced. “I’m sorry!” he said.

Phil was frozen in shock, blinking repeatedly, unable to breathe. Was it so obvious to Noah? He didn’t love Dan, did he? He was just - trying to… get over the past.

“Phil?” Noah asked. “I’m so sorry,” he pleaded.

“I -” Phil mumbled.

“Breathe!” Mark said, “and for fuck’s sake, eat your pasta, it must be freezing cold now.”

Phil took a bite of his tepid pasta and chewed, lost in thought. It was good pasta at least. How could it be so obvious to everyone around him? He didn’t even know how he felt about Dan, he had simply avoided thinking about it because it was just too painful and… “Fuck,” he said.

“What are you going to do now?” Mark asked.

“I’m going to lose my shit until he calls me back and tells me what he discussed in therapy. Then I’m going to freak out about whatever he says and if he still wants a second chance with me I am probably going to lose my mind and not know what to say,” Phil said, realising he was blowing on his cold pasta and just taking the bite.

“You are so dramatic,” said Noah. “Just ask him over and see where it goes.”

Phil shrugged and held his finger up as he swallowed. “I just had to repress my feelings for him for so long that I thought I was over it.”

“Sounds like you both wanted to believe that,” Noah pointed out.

“If he hurts you again I’m going to break his fucking legs,” Mark said, surprising Phil into a laugh.

“He’s no longer a scrawny kid,” Phil said, putting his fork down and opening Dan’s Facebook profile on his phone and giving it to Mark. “Make sure you don’t like any pictures.”

“Who do you take me for? I know how to stalk people quietly,” Mark said. 

Noah leaned over to look at Dan’s pictures as well. “Oh my god! Phil… I understand you completely. He is gorgeous!”

“Damn,” Mark said, not even arguing with Noah. “He’s hot now.”

“He has always been hot,” Phil said in a mix of defensiveness and jealousy. “But yeah, I noticed too. I have eyes.”

Mark gave him a look. “Is that why you agreed to meet up with him?”

“No, I noticed after,” Phil said defensively. “What do you take me for?”

“A horny fuck, especially when it comes to him,” Mark replied.

“I-” Phil sputtered. “Hey!”

“I thought that some things you shouldn’t say out loud,” said Noah, giggling.

“Depends,” said Mark. “Phil doesn’t mind being called a slut, but never accuse him of having feelings.”

Phil nodded with a satisfied smile.

“...Even if he does,” Mark added.

Noah snickered and Phil hit Mark with a cushion. 

After having debated things with his friends, Phil felt a lot better, like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. That was probably also related to the emotional release that crying brought him. When Dan left him, Phil had cried himself silly, but after a while, he became numb to the topic. He’d avoided thinking of Dan like the plague and just tried to carry on. Their chance encounter broke those walls down and everything was crumbling around him once again.

To end the night on a higher note, Mark made some drinks and put on some Buffy episodes which they all watched while cuddling on the sofa until they fell asleep.

[manateeteaparty]

Today it's really nice and pretty outside, and on my drive to work I started thinking "Wow all the leaves are gorgeous and I bet there are tons of mushrooms everywhere, it would be a great day for a walk. I should message M-" and had to stop myself and be like oh, that's right, we don't talk anymore, we've been broken up for months. I haven't seen him in months. It's insane how my brain is still associating him with certain things. Or how I'll be in a store and see something and think "Aww this reminds me of him, I should buy it for him" but then I remember. Literally anything- a song, a picture, a movie, a certain food- my brain is always thinking of him one way or another, and I wonder when that's going to end? How many more months is it going to take, how many more years even? He's not a part of my life anymore, so why is my brain still saying "Hey remember this? Think of this! Here's this random fucking memory from 1, 2, 3? years ago. We know you're doing good and were having a great day, but we thought we'd remind you, that happened". And the random flashbacks- they happen so often. I can be at work, be driving, be out with friends, just be doing nothing at all, and his face just pops up in my mind for a split second. The best way I can describe my flashbacks is like a random photo memory briefly flashing before my eyes. Him smiling at me or laughing. Of us hugging. Of me looking down at my hand holding his. And the absolute worst photo memory- him holding my face in his hand, looking down at me while we're having sex, saying "Emily look at me- I love you. Do you know that? I love you." Then leaning down to kiss me. That one is like being punched in the gut. I instantly feel like I'm going to puke and start tearing up. The worst part of flashbacks is I never know when or where they're going to happen. If I'm alone it's more manageable- just go lay down, do some heavy breathing, try and distract myself. If I'm out in public it's worse. I start to panic. There's nowhere I can go. People can see me tearing up, they see me biting my lip, they see me just standing there not knowing how to manage my feelings. Being scared. And if I'm at work, I seem like a lunatic who just froze up and started randomly crying for no reason. It's debilitating. I don't understand why the brain does this while someone is in the process of healing. I mean I do- it's a trauma response, your body is feeding you the negative information as a reminder that it happened, trying to remind you to stay away from said negative experience- but if you're trying to forget it even happened in the first place, it's stupid and not helpful. It just makes things worse. I've been working with my therapist on re-setting the Vagus Nerve (the nerve responsible for the body's trauma response) and reading a lot about how it stores so many years of information whether we want it to or not- and in people with PTSD or in my case C-PTSD, the Vagus Nerve just continues to store and store all the negative experiences and emotions as a way of protecting itself and never gets a chance to re-set, like it would usually. I'm trying not to be so hard on myself and to be kinder to myself even though I feel dumb doing it- I try to find one thing I like about myself physically each day. And yesterday before I went to the show in Boston, I decided I would curl my hair so I was standing in front of the mirror in my bra and my makeup all done and I thought 'Holy shit, I look really hot right now? I would fuck me.' My lips were all puffy and pouty, there's a noticeable difference in how much weight I've lost, my tits looked huge and round and the way my curls fell down around them was all sexy, I felt like a soft beautiful little angel and for the first time in a long time felt really cute. I gave myself a high five and was like Good job self, I'm proud of you. Now go play with your bouncy tits.

I've had more good days than bad lately. When it's a bad day, it sucks. It feels like how I used to sink into the water in the clawfoot bathtub at my moms house, watching my hair float all around me as I sunk deeper to the bottom and pressed my face to the surface, slowly letting the water swallow every bit of my body and face until my mouth was the only thing above the surface. I'd take a big breath of air and go under, keeping my eyes open, looking up at the ceiling through the surface and listening to the muffled quiet, like I was watching the world from a secret, seperate world. Then my nose would start to fill with water and I would come up spitting and choking, having accidentally waterboarded myself. The quiet is hard. I used to love being alone, now my thoughts are suffocating. I have nightmares practically every night. I'm used to them by now- the only thing I hate about them is the lack of sleep they bring- though it's not like I was sleeping before. I'll admit, lately I've thought about reaching out to him. In the last text he sent me, he said "I feel like my point of view would definitely have a different feel to it". For the past couple of days, when I'm in a positive mood and he comes across my mind, I'll think, why don't I message him and ask to meet up and talk about our different perspectives? No hate, no judgement, no anything- we can be mature and I'd like to think we're better than that. And I'd like to think we'd laugh about a few things. Just talking it out in person, and not over fucking text. Like we should have months ago. Like I wanted to all summer. We could talk, forgive each other, and move on. And yes, I fucking know, I contradict myself so many times- do I want to see him, do I not. Do I want to meet up, do I not. This has been a really confusing time, I've never had a breakup like this before. Most of my previous relationships ended on good terms and we became better friends because of it- and most I still speak with to this day. Only one or two ended not great, but they weren't terrible, and ending the relationship was a mutual decision that we decided on in person. This has been the most painful breakup I've ever experienced, and I don't know how to navigate it. It's all new to me. All these feelings are new. They're constantly changing. It's all really confusing. I know I don't love him anymore- that's gone. But like I said, every once in a while I'll get this positive, hopeful friendship feeling and think "Well maybe I was too rash, maybe I'm letting my fear get the best of me. Maybe we could be friends. It would be nice. I do miss hanging out with him, and we always had fun. Maybe I should swallow my hurt. Maybe I should reach out". A few days ago I even wrote a text out to him and was ready to press send- but ultimately deleted it. Because I remembered that it was my being hopeful that got me into trouble this summer. Every time I was feeling hopeful and thought "I'll just reach out and let him know I'm thinking of him, that I hope he's doing well. Remind him I still care. Surely then he'll want to meet up again" I would tell myself not to give up, that I have to keep trying. But every time I reached out, it just seemed to make things worse. And I just felt more hurt, disappointed, and ultimately hopeless. Hope is what gave me the courage to call him that one night- I didn't expect him to answer, but I thought I would just leave a message telling him I hope he's having a good summer and that I hope to see him soon. When he did answer, I was so fucking happy- until I realized the only reason he picked up in the first place is because my call came up as Biddeford and he didn't know who it was. So in other words, he deleted me as a contact in his phone. Holy shit that stung. I asked him to be honest and tell me if he would've answered if he knew it was me- he said Yes but his voice was shaking and I've never felt so fucking pathetic. That should've been my wake up call right there. That night I should have realized, he was over me, and had been for a long time.

I also realized that it's ridiculous of me to ask if he wants to share his perspective- he had literal months to do that. If he thought it was important and wanted to get it off his chest, he would've said so. And I have to keep reminding myself that as much as I may want to reach out when I'm feeling happy, or upbeat about the future- I need to remember that every single time I've asked him if he wants to see me, he's said no. Every time I pleaded with him to get together, it was a no. So even if I didn't delete that message, and I sent it to him, chances are 1. He would just ignore it 2. He would say "I'm really busy" 3. "I just don't feel comfortable" 4. He would make some other excuse. I have to remember that as much as a part of me still wants to be friends with him, he doesn't feel the same. I am nothing to him. The memories I have are just that- memories. They don't exist anymore. In my mind, we were once good friends. It's crazy to think it was just a few months ago I considered him my best friend, my favorite person in the world. But those are my memories- and that's my perspective. His are entirely different. Maybe from his perspective, we were never friends. Maybe he dreaded seeing me. Where I held a lot of love and happiness for him, maybe he held something different for me. Maybe he looks at his memories with disgust and unpleasant feelings. Maybe he's completely burned them from his mind. And I guess I need to start looking at it from a different perspective, because it's not right to say "still be friends with him". Because, we're not still. Over the summer I had this picture in my head of him finally saying 'Yes, I'm ready now, let's meet up!' and we would give each other a big hug, talk to each other about our summers, catch up on shit, and reconnect as friends. And it would feel like we were never apart- at least that's what I hoped. That's what it always feels like when I see a friend I haven't seen in a while- we fall back into things as if they had just been here the whole time. I see now that all the hope I had for reconnecting like that was just me being blind. He never intended to meet back up. He was done with me from the beginning. I'm trying to move on from this, and I am improving, it doesn't hurt as much on a daily basis. Some days it doesn't hurt at all, it just aches. But always in the back of my mind , there's a part of me that is very aware that this part of my life I considered so special and dear, was not actually that. That although I felt very comfortable with how I felt about him, he apparently felt very different towards me, and I was entirely unaware. And it makes me question everything. Was any of our relationship real? For me, very much so. For him? No, probably not. This person who I viewed as a source of comfort, happiness, grounding, love and safety- a source I thought that was unwavering and was forever- was in actuality none of those things, and was not forever. Over the past month I've often wondered if he viewed me as the opposite, if he thought of me as a burden, if I was more of an annoyance than anything, like a mosquito he couldn't quite reach, so he let it just flit around. I guess I should be thinking that I'm HOPEFUL we can become friends again someday in the future- though hoping gets me nowhere. In my gut I already know the answer- that will never happen. I will never hear from him again. More than likely I will never see him again. I'm just not quite ready to listen to my gut yet. It hurts too much.

I'm desperately trying to forget about our relationship. Our friendship. Him in general. But my mind won't give me peace. So many things I've realized over the past couple of months but am having a hard time accepting for whatever reason; a few male friends I've spoken to, and my therapist- have pointed out that if this wasn't painful for me- if him being gone didn't feel like the end of the world- then it wasn't love to begin with. My grief, hurt and sorrow are proof that I loved him so much, and sometimes when we miss someone we force ourselves to live in the past, because that's the only place we find them. That's the only place they still exist. I have to stop doing that. I have to remind myself that he did not feel those feelings after we split. He moved on very quickly, as if I never existed. If he truly loved me, then it would have broken his heart knowing that I was hurting. He slept comfortably at night knowing that I was. When I find myself in these moods wanting to reach out to him, wanting to be his friend again, I have to remind myself of that. Do I really want to be friends with someone- now or in the future- who treats me like that? Who disrespects me so completely- what kind of friendship would that be?

When someone loves you, they won't avoid the hard parts, they'll be right there navigating through it because they believe in you, in "us", and in the potential to be stronger together. It's not about sacrificing each others joy, but about finding joy in seeing the other thrive. They'll fight to understand you, not just hear you. Someone who loves you will make you feel like your emotions are important, even if they can't relate. They'll hold space for your experiences, your pain, your joy, without making you feel like a burden. They're genuinely excited to see you grow, even if that growth takes you in new directions. They'll be your biggest cheerleader. They hold space for your healing without rushing you. They see your scars and don't turn away. And through all of it, they make the conscious choice to stay. Because real love- healthy love- isn't just about being there for the good times; it's about being there for the whole journey; ups, downs, and everything in between. They don't make you feel like a burden or that your emotions are too overwhelming. Instead they embrace you fully- your light, your shadows, your grays. When someone truly loves you, they'll show up for the hard conversations because loving you means wanting to grow with you, not run from you.

I don't know what I'd call where we are at this point- I think strangers is the best term for it. We don't speak to each other, don't see each other, we don't know what goes on in the others life. We've gone back to not knowing each other. Maybe he's forgotten I exist- I wouldn't be surprised at this point- and isn't that really what strangers are?

[audrak79]

He Sustains

10/1/24. God’s timing is never wrong. I got another reminder this week of this fact.  Life is tough and we just never know what is coming down the road.  But no matter what, it’s not for us to be consumed with or worried about.  Our focus needs to be on what we are doing right now.  What we do right now should have a kingdom impact, but we shouldn’t be so focused on the worries of tomorrow that we miss an opportunity today. 

This year Transformation Church out of Tulsa, OK released a few new albums.  They are full of amazing talent.  TC’s worship team is phenomenal but they grabbed some of the best of the best to collaborate with; Tauren Wells, KB, Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Jekalyn Carr, Tye Tribbett, Chandler Moore..... Last week, was the release of the album Thy Kingdom Come and one song in particular was RIGHT ON TIME, Sustain.

I’ve never struggled with anxiety or panic, I’ve always felt that I was anchored, solid and grounded handling the stress of life well and therefore was able to help others through their struggles as well.  However, in this season of my life the tables have turned and now I have fallen victim to anxiety. It made me angry at first, likely a result of some pride. Nobody wants to experience anxiety, especially when they have managed 45 years without it.  Most of my anxiety seems to be a result of my lack of sleep.  I lay awake all night, not with anxiety, just my thoughts not stopping.  Often times I play out scenarios of how my day might go, who I’ll talk to, what their response could be, but the bulk of what runs through my mind are song lyrics.  The songs are random, usually something I’ve been using in my workouts at the Y, but they are on super high speed. My mind can barely keep up with them at times. My therapist told me that if I was in bed longer than 30 minutes and not asleep, I need to get up and do something.  Seems logical, but I can’t find the motivation to even get up.  I just fight.  I fight the insomnia thinking I am better than it and that I can will myself to sleep.  I try to go to bed by 10, but then I’m awake at 11:30pm, still watching the clock at 1:30am, and then by 3am I am up for the day but still laying there fighting myself with these songs on repeat at 120 MPH. I finally drag myself out of bed at 5am to start my day at the Y.  I try to reset with some reading and coffee before hitting the law office, and then I struggle all day yawning and crying because I’m so exhausted that every emotion or task is overwhelming and feeling like I can’t breathe. On the days that I do get a little sleep, I feel much better and everything is manageable. I still feel overwhelmed, but not to the point of panic and tears. This has been an ongoing issue for a few weeks now and I started praying as I lay there and asking God, “Why can’t I sleep, what are you trying to tell me?”  I’ve tried it all; melatonin, CBD, magnesium, a glass of wine in the hot tub, reading, reducing caffeine and electronics.... I finally reached out to see my therapist regularly instead of thinking I could just go “as needed” because I realize that what I need is consistency.  I also humbled myself and called the doctor asking for help.  My therapist has me doing breathing exercises and journaling while the doc has me popping pills to get me to sleep.  One med wasn’t enough apparently, because I now have 3 to juggle when the first 2 wouldn’t cut it.  You would think that 3 medications designed for anxiety and sleep would knock down an elephant, but NOPE, not this elephant. 

Yesterday was a tough day.  I cried, a lot.  I managed to get through my class at the Y, hit my favorite spot for reading and tried to pray and reflect on what all this was.  I read a chapter in The Awe of God and sat for bit.  As I was leaving, in tears again, I felt God speak to my heart that this was just something I needed to go through. That I needed to stop fighting the emotions, feel them and then release them to Him.  Just as when Jesus was in the wilderness, His flesh was weak but the Spirit was strong. I need to allow Holy Spirit to do in me whatever He pleases while I just lay all my hurt, my struggles, my pain and my pride at the foot of the cross. So, I cried as drove to the office, I cried at my desk, I had lunch and cried with a friend, then when late afternoon came and I was all alone I locked the door of the office and hit my face to the floor and just cried out to God and asked Him to sustain me and thanked Him.  I needed to be reminded that He is all I need and that if I just simply rely on Him, He will sustain me and get me through whatever all this is. Nothing of this world will ever be able to sustain me, carry me, or provide for me the way God does. Those are temporary fixes to a lifetime problem.  But eternity is coming, and that is where my hope lies. 

I popped my sleep aids last night at 7:30pm and laid down in my bed.  I attempted to read in Romans and as my vision began to blur, I laid my Bible down and my glasses on top of it and just allowed myself to slip into my blanket and drift to sleep.  My daughter was kind enough to shut my light off when she came home.  I rested well and instead of looking at the clock when I did wake up, I began to pray and just thanked God for who He is and for all He provides.  Then the song Sustain by TC began to just run through my head at a normal speed.  Instead of fighting myself and trying to will myself back to sleep, I enjoyed the lyrics of the song and let in minister to my heart.  I had a sub take over my class today at the Y so I was able to stay in bed until 7:30am.  I took my time and enjoyed worshiping in the shower then coffee and breakfast with my daughter. 

So far, I have made it half way through the day without anxiety and without tears (except when I was worshiping, but that always happens 😊 ). Progress! I’m taking time to journal my feelings but also to journal my story. My therapist says if I journal, I'll begin to see my healing. I’ve lived through a lot, most of which I have never really spoke of.  I have lived thinking that if I ignore it, it never happened. I’m learning to share bits and pieces of my history as the Lord directs but it is often hard to trust people with such heaviness. We have normalized for too long staying silent about the things that haunt us.  In the words of Pastor Jerry Flowers, “Secrets don’t keep you safe, they keep you stuck.”  We can learn a lot about our patterns and change them if we simply take the time to study them and heal. We all have a story that needs to be shared, we just don’t know who we may help pull from the pit by allowing God to use our pain for His glory and the good of His people. My testimony is one of victory, acceptance, restoration and reconciliation. Today I choose to allow God to sustain me in my joy and in my pain, in my rest and in my weakness.  

As I decided to get out of bed, I checked my Bible app verse of the day and scrolled on Instagram for a hot minute.  The verse of the day came from 2 Cor. 10:5, which says:  “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,” 2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV. It's not easy to take our thoughts captive, but when the enemy speaks lies to us and we know that it goes against God’s word, we MUST redirect that back to His truth. I know often times I am my own biggest enemy and that’s why I have to stop fighting this season and embrace it, giving it right back to God and counting it ALL joy as I know that “suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us”- Romans 5:3-5.

As I finished my morning scroll, there was a picture on Instagram of this girl and she was handing a dark mess up to the hands of the Father and under it was Psalm 55:22: “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” Psalms 55:22 NIV

God’s timing is never wrong, it’s always perfect and right on time.  I will embrace my mess, my pain, my tears and even my anxiety and insomnia and instead of fighting it and focusing on it, I’ll feel it and release it back to my Savior knowing the He will sustain me. This is only temporary, it’s a season and it will pass because joy comes in the morning! My favorite line of the song by TC is “Your promises always come true, not dependent on me but relying on You, Your mercies are new everyday so I will trust You.” Enjoy the song lyrics below, I pray they speak to you as they have spoken to me:

Sustain, as performed by Chandler Moore, Jekalyn Carr and Transformation Worship

Holding on to your Word,

It’s the Light in the dark

Hope for my heart

Seasons come, people change

But you were there at the start

You won’t leave at this part

When my heart fails,

In the Faith I know

I find strength in you alone

You Sustain, You sustain

In the middle of it all

You remain the same

Through the rain, still you reign

You Sustain

Letting go of our fear

Not sure what’s ahead

But I trust what you say

Spirit come have your way

I surrender my pride

Lord here is my life

You sustain, You sustain

In the middle of it all

You remain the same

Through the rain, still you reign

You sustain

Your promises always come true

Not dependent on me

But relying on you

Your mercies are new everyday

So I will Trust you

[leticiahewett]

Identifying Isiah’s body

Well this day was a horrid day.. this day I have to travel to Adelaide and identify my sons body.. this day was one of the worst days in history for me..

so I get in the car, my father In law has offered to drive us to Adelaide so my husband can comfort me and to ensure our safety because realistically he wouldn’t of been able to drive without distraction (emotionally)

So we get to Adelaide with some time to spare the men go for a walk up the street and I decide to sit at a cafe and have a cappuccino.. my stomach is in knots.. I’m hiding under sunnies and my hood is over my head I’m trying to cover as much of my face as I can..

I just want to cry and scream.. see I have a fear of dead things humans, pests etc.. so today I’m facing a fears..

my family didn’t know I was in Adelaide I kept it from them cos honestly who wants to hear something so morbid and to be honest I’m still hoping to walk into this place and the person not be my son (not that I’d want this to be anyone’s child)

Well it’s time to go to the Forensic science place and face what’s about to happen..

we walk into the building and is met by a police officer, they take us out of the building and walk down an alley to another small building.. we are lead inside and there’s a room ahead of me.. we are shown into the room..

in this room is 2 chairs and a curtain.. as I sit down on the chair the officer pulls the curtain back which shows a window and on the other side of that window is my son..

I let out the most horrific scream and start crying uncontrollably.. this scream haunts me to this day..

my husband comforts me while I’m crying.. my father in law leaves the room so he can process and give us some privacy..

I drag my chair closer to the window and just sit staring at my handsome son.. so lifeless..

i even stand closer to the window just looking at my son hoping he’ll breathe and move.. still hoping this isn’t true and my eyes are playing tricks on me..

at some stage my husband even l leaves the room so I sit and talk with Isiah.. I Tell him I love him and I hope grandma (my nana) takes good care of him.. I even sit and think how am I gonna do life with all this heartache..

the thought of the future or even the next day was scary..

I got to sit with Isiah for a few hours..

As we are leaving the city I notice a random person dressed as a panda.. we are on our way back home to port Augusta, my head is resting on my husbands lap.. I’m emotional and I’m drained from all the crying and howling.. the sun is in my eyes and cover me in sunshine plays on the radio so now when I hear this song it’ll remind me of Isiah..

I get home and I’ve got visitors waiting for me.. some family have travelled from out of town to lay their respects..

[rikisradirarara]

・❥・ Again Today, I’m Thinking About You! A Ni-Ki & reader insert fanfic— Your first day of school went great! In a way it did, your pain helped both of you reach realization ・❥・

a/n: I started school again today, fun!! Clearly- if there’s incorrect spelling or sentences don’t make sense please ignore those I just looked over it once and called it a day-

word count: 1064

➼ You felt tired, absolutely exhausted.

Today had been the first day of school starting the new school year. Overall it was great! All your teachers seemed nice and while you were taking more difficult classes no major things had happened yet.

But after two months of spending almost every day with Ni-ki and suddenly that being taken away and replaced with six plus hours of actual school and the thought of even more hours of studying, homework, and projects, in addition to your chores it was stressful.

After setting up your schedule with the work and dates your teachers had given you, you started feeling the drowsiness kick in.

But you didn't want to sleep, you still had some energy left and all you really wanted was a hug from your favorite person.

Asking him to come over and him being unable to until later in the day, due to his schedules, you hear your front door open from your spot on your bed.

Your head was laying on your pillow, your blanket up to your shoulders, and your phone in your hands watching a random youtube video that had caught your attention.

Between your arms lays a small stuffed animal Ni-ki had gifted you, it provided no comfort whatsoever physically but knowing that he had kept you in mind when purchasing it made it special.

When Ni-ki walked up to your bedroom door, which was already wide open to provide him access, he sighed at your lidded eyes, ready to close and turn in for the night.

The boy walked over to your bed, already changed from his usual clothes to more comfortable ones.

He takes hold of the blanket you were under and holds it up to allow himself space to lay down beside you.

He lays down on his side, his arms finding their place around your waist.

Not wasting a minute after feeling him relax into the pillow you turn your body towards him and manage your arms around his neck. With that leverage you pull yourself closer to his body as he tightens his hold around you, doing the same with you.

As his hold on you tightens your eyes start tearing up.

You're confused, why were you crying? It wasn't a stressful day, it was just a little overwhelming. Everyone was nice but when the school day ended you came home to no one.

There was no one, not even yours and Ni-kis cat.

The house was quiet and cold, the homey vibes it usually gives disappearing after all the stuff had been cleaned and put away in its place by the cleaning staff.

It was nice to walk into a clean house, but not one where no one was waiting for you to get home.

Snapping you out of your thoughts Ni-ki turns his body to lay on his back, you now laying on his chest, your legs tangling with his under your blanket.

You feel fine until you just can't hold it in anymore.

These past few days had been incredibly stressful and having no one to even get to talk to, who genuinely cared about you, around caused all your feelings to bottle up until you couldn't hold them in anymore.

Your walls crumpled the moment you felt Ni-kis weight on your body.

You just needed to know someone was there.

And he was.

He was there to hold you until your sobs quieted down and your sniffles became less and less as the minutes passed.

His heart ached for you, you don't deserve to be so confused by your emotions. You don't deserve to have every bad emotion be instantly bottled up.

He feels himself struggle to breathe whenever you start sobbing.

He loved you, and he just now realized it.

With your gentle and slow breaths now fanning a small place on his neck. Your arms now limp around him as you peacefully sleep.

He tightened his hold on you and kisses your forehead gently.

They didn't mean for him to fall in love, he didn't mean to fall for you.

But how could he not?

When you opened yourself up so quickly to him, let him have a safe space he could call his own home with you and the other thing he wanted most.

In your own little way, you became his family.

His home away from home.

He didn't know you, heck you guys had so much trouble even having a simple conversation.

But oh, how he loved you.

The way you would play with the little kitten you both had adopted, the way you would take care of it and make sure it was healthy and safe when Ni-ki was away.

Once he had a free day and you had to run some errands, he could have stayed home but he wanted to learn more about you.

More than the limited small talk you both could speak to each other.

So he walked with you, everywhere that day.

Through the busy streets and the quiet bus rides where he sat beside you and just saw the world again.

With you, beside you, he wasn't Ni-ki from Enhypen. He wasn't a growing idol at his young age.

He was just a teenager getting to see you, someone the same age as him, grow more independent by the day.

You helped him see the beauty in life without even speaking a full and perfect sentence to him.

He showed you his paintings whenever he got home to you, you made him food and personally delivered it to him.

He was utterly in love and he didn't even know your real name.

He knew you were broken though, he knew your imperfections and the way that translated to the state of your home whenever he visited you by surprise.

But he loves that about you, he loves all of you.

But how could he tell you that? How could he ever tell anyone?

He was supposed to be at Enhypens dorm sleeping alone in his bed in the same room as Sunghoon, Sunoo, and Jungwon.

But he was here with you instead. In your apartment, in your bed, surrounded by your blanket and plushies, holding you in his arms.

If someone found out he was in so much trouble but could they really blame him?

He was just in love.

・❥・ . . . ・❥・

[mango-bango-bby]

Hey!!

How’s your day/night/afternoon?

I love your posts, and I recently caught depression, and was wondering if you could write something for Dabi x reader if that’s ok?? Keep up the amazing work🤍🤍🤍

-Quinn🤍

♡ Fighting Depression ♡

(A/N: This turned out pretty short so I hope that’s alright. Everyone’s depression is different so I tried to make this as vague as possible so it can fit to everyone and their own depression. I know it can be difficult, but I believe in you 🥺🥺 Thank you for your request, Quinn!! Also this is random but I think at this moment this is the only time I’ve had more Haikyuu requests that BNHA requests because I barely have any bnha requests lolol!!!)

Content Warning ⚠️: Yandere, kidnapping, depression, very light mention of suicide,

Summary: Dabi helps you while you deal with your depression (Yan!Dabi x GN!reader)

Masterlist ➸ ♡

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

♡ Depression really hit you this time, you just couldn’t get out of bed today. You just didn’t understand the point of getting up. You wanted to lay in bed all day, not get up to eat or go to the bathroom or anything. Just lay down and cry.

♡ Dabi hated seeing you like this. He understood what depression was like and if there was anyway he could just get rid of your depression, he would. Although all he can do is comfort you.

♡ Dabi has ways of comforting you. The first one is physical affection and helping you take care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if you just want to sleep all day and cry, he’s picking you up and taking you to the bath. Or if you don’t want to eat, he’s definitely forcing you.

♡ Dabi’s second day of comforting you is by physical affection. He hugs you, wrapping his arms tightly around your waist to show you that you loves you and needs you. Also kisses work too, he needs to show you that he loves you and that you’re important! Because you’re loved and important!

♡ His third way of trying to help you is by telling you that he loves you. He tells you that he cares, that he understands, that you can talk to him. Sometimes when he tells you that, it’s all you need. It helps you sometimes although sometimes it just makes you cry, because you have someone who understands you.

♡ He’s always there for you when you have breakdowns. He’s immediately scoops you up into his arms and holds you. He also helps you regulate your breathing if it’d hard during your breakdowns. Breathing slowly and telling you to breathe with his breathing.

♡ Of course you snap sometimes, getting angry because if you weren’t technically his hostage then you could get some real help! Although when you say stuff like that, Dabi does get mad. However he stays calm, knowing that it’s just because there are so many emotions you’re feeling that you just get upset.

♡ In all honesty he really does try to make you feel better. He knows he’s not really the best at comforting but he really does try for you. He hates seeing you like this and he will do everything in his power to help you.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

Thank you for reading, darling!!