#it's just for me and (secondarily) my 20 followers

[aarix]

why do you remove image-ID captions when you reblog?

I'm sorry that my 20-follower personal shitposting blog, which I curate according to my own tastes for nobody's enjoyment but my own, does not meet your standards :( but if you like image captions and alt-text you should go check out my art blog :)

[mystybelle]

In rpgs, or in games in general (digital or traditional) it seems to me like defining "states" a player, or aspects of the game environment can be in, is the biggest part of the design.

Followed shortly after by describing how they all interact. Even "games" like small talk +

Require speakers(players) to define social taboos and boons(states, environment) to navigate at some point before the awkward elevator convo, or gossip at the function. The goal being to put the other at ease and pass time, secondarily to convey meaning or information.

+

A MOBA/hero shooter is a simpler game by comparison, and Tag an even simpler game than that.

Heroes (players) control a static or moving space(states, environment), until it reaches a location or a set time, for victory against others.

Players touch, and avoid revenge.

+

World Seed is built entirely out of its definitions, splitting "Entities" into Characters & Objects, plus Actions, and Events to describe their interactions.

Lore by extension is just, how a game's world is defined. It gives context for a game's characters and the plot that's happening to, because of, or around them. It's what makes it possible for you to draw any conclusions about the world's narrative when there is one. NieR Automata's world is defined by the "Lore" of the past games in the NieR series. Without it, a lot of the game just doesn't make any sense.

For vtubers, my assumption was, that it works the same way. A big benefit to being a vtuber is relative anonymity, and with that comes the second benefit and necessity. "Lore" or context for the persona, gives the audience a reason to care about the character in absence of turning *your* personhood into a product for consumption.

The Lore becomes a replacement for what could otherwise have a 50/50 shot at leading to a weird parasocial dynamic that isn't super healthy for anyone. But more than just a necessary safety mechanism, it's fun.

At least as fun as the immersion you can feel with a well written story, in a book, game, or whatever medium. But closer to a ttrpg, where you can interact with the argonian barmaid and she has more than 20 canned responses. And more, depending on if the barmaid raps, is lusty, or just... Really likes powerpoints for some reason.

I don't think any of what I said is super contentious, but I saw "lore" trending 30 minutes ago and I'm incapable of being concise lately.

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Even despite these issues, I'm still polyamorous while recognizing most of the population isn't wired to handle forms of non-monogamy in constructive ways, even when those people are non-monogamous. A lot of emphasis on our space is self-management, but recognizing someone else's boundaries is an obligation outside of ourselves, so we place it secondarily.

A good relationship is a good relationship. Monogamy is a restriction. Non-Monogamy can also be a restriction when we forget what makes Relationship Anarchy appealing to people in the first place. As a cisgendered straight man of an ethnic background society has socialized others to alienate, I'm just rejection fodder in the community 99% of the time. Normalized conceptions of what desirable non-monogamy looks like harm me, because it parabolacizes to whiteness and financial privilege. Most eligible partners I take an interest in see no utility in me, to which I'm forced to accept because someone of my identity is only worthy of possession, not to be shared.

For as emotionally literate polyamorous people tout ourselves as being, we don't have enough conversations about compersion, specifically, the ethics around when someone else has shortcomings in their ability to comperse. Polyamory appeals to less people because we haven't made the narrative compelling to flawed human beings all that persuasive.

Using the word hygenic is just a less intellectually snarky way of saying ethical, or what it was supposed to mean originally. Poly circles have been fixated on growth, when our growth as a label should be coming from consent, not people being coaxed into the circle.

Forcing people to follow tacit rules they never fully understood isn't ethical, but it's much clearer it's unhygenic. Having said that, do you wash your hands 5 times a day? brush your teeth twice a day? shower and floss at least every day? Hygenic has its own implications, ethical norms are dictated by philosophy, hygiene norms are dictates by public health: neither are inherently freeing.

What does this discussion do to advance intersectionality in ENM circles? Nothing. Our circles are still going to be racist, sexist, and ablest because it's inherent to the liberal hypocrisy already existing in these circles love and accept what they represent in their identity but that doesn't mean you have to personally empathize with them. This is why minorities are still disenfranchised in left-based political perspectives, nothing is actually about pluralism because that would be too much work for the privileged, majoritarian elite.

We're all just trying to optimize our existence, even seemingly normal people walk around with socialized traumas, like a default mode of relationship style, it's just some are widely accepted as trauma we're all supposed to carry, like monogamy.

My personal experience is somewhere between @calamityqueer and @drdemonprince. I had more polyamorous experience before I knew I was polyamorous, let alone clear to potential partners I was polyamorous. I run a panel at conventions talking about polyamory (one at Tsumicon Houston today) and I spend close to 20 minutes out my 90 every panel just talking about jealousy and compersion. Both things can be true in that it's well discussed but the concern of incapability can often be dismissed.

However, @polyamzeal usually comes up with better answers than I do. Follow them if you want to better understand how ethicallity functions in the space, because the semantic to me is just a consequence of codifying relationship norms when they shouldn't, but that's just me.

ENM/Poly circles explicitly discourage real talk around jealousy, and practical considerations around nonmonog in ways that routinely exclude and excise POC and disabled people.

ENM/Poly expects everyone involved to act as though “love” is the reason for every relationship choice. Cliche #1: love isn’t finite. Which… sure. Maybe love isn’t finite, but attention and time sure are— and those are at a premium.

Cliche #2: Love is all you need/love is what makes a family. I am familiar with criticism of this from a family abolition, anticapitalist standpoint, but I have seen this be uncritically repeated by ENM/Poly people. It’s not true that love is what makes a relationship work or not work. It’s also about dumb shit, like geographical proximity and practicality. Good luck being ENM if you can’t regularly host because you have roommates or live at home. Good luck being the gold standard of ENM (out to everyone, including family and maybe even the workplace!) if you are any kind of marginalized. Love is simply not enough. There’s real world shit to consider.

Most ENM/Poly people are white gen x’ers and older millenials for a reason. It’s a framework that works awesome if you have abundant spare space, disposable income to blow, and free time. Plus most ENM/Poly people are heavily in therapy, and just have a fuckton of time to deal with their various baggages… or at least like to posture as though they are doing those things.

Non monog can be liberatory— disabled polycules caring for one another. QPRs! Multiparent households! But ENM/Poly is very lodged in a liberal, hyper-independent Super Good Boundaries Thank You Very Much world of its own, and so most of the “resources” like More Than 2 or Polysecure have hella flaws in that respect.

COME OFF ANON SO I CAN FOLLOW YOU! Because you just said a whole word.

I find "ethical nonmonogamy" and polyamory circles to be viscerally unpleasant and alienating to be in as a crazy, chaotic antipsych person who does not always make choices for carefully therapized, restrained reasons -- and who doesn't believe that most other people do either, no matter how much they claim to.

I don't fuck multiple people to serve some higher purpose; I do it because I'm horny, impulsive, and have a variety of niche fetishes that are really difficult to satisfy.

I didn't choose to be openly nonmonogamous because I nurtured my soul and found that it was abundant with love that I just had to give -- all my relationships already were nonmonogamous at one point or another, either because I cheated or the other person did or both, and I eventually decided to move with my feelings rather than against them, and to stop denying all that is inside me -- all of the hunger and darkness as well as the light.

And I can't say that my nonmonogamy is inherently "ethical" either -- just like my monogamy sure wasn't! I'm a human being, and a crazy one at that, I get jealous, I have emotional blowups, I lash out and fuck other people to make myself feel better or to affirm that I am desired, I make big demands of the people I date, I fail to show up for people consistently, I get hurt, and I hurt others, and I will continually have more to learn. I will also continually have wild animal emotions and triggers, and I won't always deal with them in the way my partner(s) might want me to. I try to avoid hurting other people needlessly, of course, but sometimes your own needs are incompatible with another person's, and hurt is inevitable.

When there is only so much time and attention available in our lives, it's true that somebody's often going to come up short. And ultimately the person that I choose above all others is me. And so, no, I can't say I'm always doing nonmonogamy in some caring yet dispassionate way, or that love is the solution to all problems -- I am driven by passion and need, and sometimes being alive in those ways means getting hurt, or hurting in turn.

I would echo essentially all that you've said. We need time and resources and spaces to enjoy privacy with other people, and if you're not some rich work-from-homer, that shit's all in short supply. I hate the sheen of calm positivity that "ENM" and polyamory folks tend to place on everything -- as if no choices they make are fueled ever by bitterness, dislike, resentment, or hell, fucking white hot irrational DESIRE. With how fair and measured so many of them make their polyamory sound, I don't even see what's fun about any of it.

Sometimes you want to upend your whole life because you're so down bad for a person. Sometimes you hate the shit out of your partner's partners and you say and do little manipulative shitty things to convey those feelings, or to try and blow the relationship up. Sometimes the hours just don't add up and somebody gets shafted. Sometimes you make a promise and then you can't follow through, or just don't WANT to anymore because you have changed.

These are real human realities whether we like it or not, and I find it terribly unrealistic AND unsexy to refuse to acknowledge all the darkness and frustration that comes out in any relationship. I think a lot of the ENM/poly crowd that is white and middle class and heavily therapized is so averse to naming anything edgy or prickly in themselves that they make their spaces actively hostile to anybody who openly expresses negative feelings. That means Black & brown people get tone-policed a ton, "mad" people like me get no-true-scotsmanned out of "ethical" nonmonogamy for ever doing anything messily, and all the romance and sexiness of relationships gets sanded down into a Canva-graphic beige blandness of weekly polycule meetings and processing sessions.

In this world of self-optimization, even fucking and loving other people has to be cast as therapuetic -- our desires must justify themselves by somehow making us better, more capable, more controlled people, But fuck that. Sometimes sex or love is worth exploding your whole life over. The ENM/poly crowd says their way of loving makes them more even-keeled but it seems like a kind of death to me.

[thelovelygods]

As a teenager, Sylvia Plath vividly understood the extent to which her body steered her. "If I didn't have sex organs, I wouldn't waver on the brink of nervous emotion and tears all the time," she wrote in her journal in 1950. Ten days before her death, she had come to believe that "fixed stars/Govern a life." It turns out that Plath was probably right -- more right than she could have possibly known -- about her biology and her fate. But when Plath's journals were first published in 1982, what was most obvious about her was the supercharged nature of her emotions. Whatever causal agents may have been governing Plath's life, they were blown back by the force of her personality.

As unmistakable as were Plath's volatile emotions in the 1982 journals, the heavy editing of the text necessarily made it hard to discern the patterns to her moods. Even so, there did seem to be a detectable pattern, and it did not seem then, nor had it seemed to the people closest to her during the last years of her life, to be merely a function of temperament. In the weeks before her suicide, Plath's physician, John Horder, noted that Plath was not simply deeply depressed, but that her condition extended beyond the boundaries of a psychological explanation.

In a letter years later to Plath biographer Linda Wagner-Martin, Horder stated: "I believe ... she was liable to large swings of mood, but so excessive that a doctor inevitably thinks in terms of brain chemistry. This does not reduce the concurrent importance of marriage break-up or of exhaustion after a period of unusual artistic activity or from recent infectious illness or from the difficulties of being a responsible, practical mother. The full explanation has to take all these factors into account and more. But the irrational compulsion to end it makes me think that the body was governing the mind."

For at least the past 10 years it has been generally assumed that Plath fit the schema of manic-depressive illness, with alternating periods of depression and more productive and elated episodes.

The hypothesis that Plath suffered from a bipolar disorder is persuasive. But in late 1990, another, even more intriguing medical theory emerged. Using the evidence of Plath's letters, poems, biographies and the 1982 journals, a graduate student named Catherine Thompson proposed that Plath had suffered from a severe case of premenstrual syndrome. In "Dawn Poems in Blood: Sylvia Plath and PMS," which appeared in the literary magazine Triquarterly, Thompson theorized that Plath's mood volatility, depressions, many chronic ailments and ultimately her suicide were traceable to the poet's menstrual cycles and the hormonal disruptions caused by PMS.

Thompson pointed out that Plath unwittingly recorded experiencing on a cyclical basis all of the major symptoms of PMS, as well as many others, including low impulse control, extreme anger, unexplained crying and hypersensitivity. She also suffered many of the physical symptoms associated with PMS, notably extreme fatigue, insomnia and hypersomnia, extreme changes in appetite, itchiness, conjunctivitis, ringing in the ears, feelings of suffocation, headaches, heart palpitations and the exacerbation of chronic conditions such as her famous sinus infections.

Thompson compared Plath's reported mood and health changes with the journals, letters and biographies and found that her symptoms seemed to appear and disappear abruptly on a fairly regular schedule, with clusters of physical symptoms and depressive affect followed by dramatic changes in outlook and overall physical health. Those patterns can be directly linked to the dates of Plath's actual menses, particularly in 1958 and 1959, when she most habitually noted her cycles. Judging from the pattern of Plath's depression and health in late 1952 and in 1953 until her Aug. 24 suicide attempt, Thompson posited that "it seems reasonable to conclude that this suicide attempt was directly precipitated by hormonal disruption during the late luteal phase of her menstrual cycle and secondarily by her loss of self-esteem at being unable to control her depression."

Thompson showed that a well-known journal entry from Feb. 20, 1956, is clearly traceable to Plath's menses, to which she refers directly a few days later. The journal fragment takes on new meaning in light of having been written during the physically and emotionally debilitating luteal phase of Plath's cycle: "Dear Doctor: I am feeling very sick. I have a heart in my stomach which throbs and mocks. Suddenly the simple rituals of the day balk like a stubborn horse. It gets impossible to look people in the eye: corruption may break out again? Who knows. Small talk becomes desperate. Hostility grows, too. That dangerous, deadly venom which comes from a sick heart. Sick mind, too." On Feb. 24, the same day she notes in her journal that she has a sinus cold and "atop of this, through the hellish sleepless night of feverish sniffling and tossing, the macabre cramps of my period (curse, yes) and the wet, messy spurt of blood," Plath wrote a letter to her mother blaming her dark mood on her physical health: "I am so sick of having a cold every month; like this time, it generally combines with my period."

By the fall of 1962, the poems (which Plath carefully dated as they were completed) seem to follow a pattern of metaphorical renewals and optimistic transformations for roughly two to three weeks of artistic production, then jagged, seething accusations and aggression for a couple of weeks.

Thompson's PMS theory has been largely ignored by Plath scholars. But it immediately gained two important supporters: Anne Stevenson, Plath's controversial biographer, and Olwyn Hughes, Plath's former sister-in-law, whose letters were published in a subsequent issue of Triquarterly. Though oddly defensive in tone, Stevenson's letter does commend Thompson for her "invaluable contribution to Plath scholarship ... Certainly no future study of Plath will be able to ignore the probable effects of premenstrual syndrome on her imagination and behavior." And it states that she wishes she had been able to utilize Thompson's insights in the writing of her own work on Plath.

A letter from Olwyn Hughes also congratulates Thompson for her scholarship, but unlike Stevenson, Hughes practically stumbles over herself in amazement at the PMS theory. Hughes, who was quoted in Janet Malcolm's book "The Silent Woman: Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes" as characterizing her long-dead sister-in-law as "pretty straight poison," wrote to Thompson: "It is quite a shock to digest all this -- after thinking for so long that Sylvia's subconscious mind was her prison, and to suddenly realise it may well have been in part, or wholly, her body. But it certainly tallies with Ted's mentions -- he has always felt some chemical imbalance was involved."

Hughes further points out that Ted Hughes had spoken of Plath's ravenous appetite just prior to her periods and asks, "I wonder if that is a known characteristic of PMS?" (According to the PMS literature, it is.) But most tellingly, Olwyn Hughes explains that "one of the reasons I was so bowled over by your piece is that Sylvia's daughter, very like her physically, suffers quite badly from PMS but is, in these enlightened times, aware of it and treats it."

Dr. Glenn Bair, one of the leading experts on PMS treatment and research in the United States, confirmed to Salon that PMS is typically passed from mother to daughter. In a rare interview about her parents, Frieda Hughes told the Manchester Guardian in 1997 that after the "collapse of her health," including extreme fatigue and gynecological problems, she underwent a hysterectomy in her 30s.

After a careful review of Thompson's article, of a seven-page monthly breakdown of Plath's symptoms for 1958 through 1959 and of the documented evidence of Plath's pregnancies and postpartum symptoms of 1959 through 1962, Bair said, "If you hack through the PMDD criteria, I think that you'll find that she fits the PMDD profile."

[autumnbrambleagain]

What are the odds of you releasing a modlist/modpack? Your post intrigues me.

0 percent. I respect all the work RandomPal has done, but I'm considering updating Vivec Waistwork Expansion with OAAB and TD soon, and that means it'll become incompatible with BCOM, which is a problem for everyone for the simple reason of: a giant modpack is no good substitution for a personally curated modlist. If a single mod in the modpack gets updated, gets bugfixes or swathes of new content, then the entire modpack needs to be updated, which can cause problems in the middle of a save. more likely, the updated, improved version is just ignored because it's not part of the modpack, so you miss out on the cool new stuff.

So the problem I don't want to have to deal with--a mod in the modpack getting a vastly improved version released--is something I'm already reluctantly going to subject RP and BCOM with at some point and I deffo wouldn't want to release a modpack of my own and have to deal with someone else doing that either?

Secondarily so, getting the permissions would be kind of a mess. My Balmora alone has:

Dallara Balmora as a base, heavily modified; Concept art balconies; Balmora rooftop apartments, heavily modified; Welcome Home, heavily modified; Dura gra-Bol and the Grab-All Gang, cludged to work ; Modified wells add-on; Modified Ashlander traders; Adul's marketplace, relocated

that's just balmora. that's not counting that i have ancient mods i can hardly find anywhere anymore. i have one that replaces slave bracers with actual slave collars? i have an ahnassi romance mod manauser released as part of a mod collection which i dont' even know is on the internet anymore??

Going around and making sure everyone involved is cool with me releasing modified versions of their mods is, it's work I don't wanna deal with? And then if I'm releasing it it's on me to not end up like MSGO so that means I have to actually test and verify everything when what I normally do is throw shit together and trust in 20 years of fuckign with this game to be able to fix the problems that inevitably arise (it's a lot of problems but I've been doing this for 20 years I can at least fix my fuckups when they come but my point is i'm a pretty sloppy modder and that's why i have two actual nexus releases out of all the things i've made, and i cannot in good conscience subject hundreds of people to my sloppy fix-it-as-i-go practices)

as for a modlist yeah maybe I can just drop my modlist bt also the modlist wont' show that i like, still dissected most of these mods and reconfigred their edges so they fit together so i don't wanna release a modlist and be like "this is the best way to play morrowind!" without the caveat of "also these mods only cooperate because i altered them to work together you gotta move julan over HERE in HIS .esp, you have to delete THIS object from ahnassi's house in THIS .esp, load this one before this one but after this one and also delete THIS creature reference with EE in THIS .esp" etc??? and if i'm doing that then it's not really a modlist you can just follow and use????

some people wanna just download morrowind and play, but I am one of the insane crazy people who thinks modding it is a lot of the fun and I don't mean "downloading the mods" i mean "opening every one of these bastards up in the construction kit and performing open heart surgery for fun" and releasing an attempt at a "definitive" morrowind is just antithetical to my entire morrontology because my own modlist changes as i go too???

[johnstibal]

Career advice for law students wanting to practice in international law

Hello,

I was recently asked by a law student for some career advice on how to get a job internationally, and particularly how they could get engaged in international (public and private) legal work.

While my legal background stems largely from doing multinational corporate work, particularly in the IT sector, here are my basic ideas outlining a few generic things to think about in terms of your career planning and some key approaches to pursuing these types of careers.

My background.  For the past several years, I have worked primarily in London, and secondarily in Paris, for a very large telecommunications company.  I was originally working for another one of this companies' affiliates in USA, and this enabled me to move internally to another one of their companies in the UK.  Making this move internally within a large company allowed me to move abroad far easier, especially in terms of sorting out work visas and professional qualifications, etc.

Three Career Principles to Never Forget.  In terms of general career advice, there are three principles which you must keep in mind to work in international law related field.  While I recognize the risk of sharing a 'firm grasp of the obvious' (and I can almost hear some cringing already) most law students do not receive this message framed in this sort of a utilitarian light.  So, here it goes:

The sole purpose of your first legal job is to enable you to get a better second legal job.

It is all about Brand.  Your CV / Resume is a personal marketing tool.  It is your personal ‘brand’.  The choice of your first job should strongly take into account the value which the ‘brand’ of your new employer will add to your CV, and your future ambitions.  This lasts for decades.

You cannot save the world if you cannot pay the bills.  Public international law has some of the most interesting legal work around.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, it also has a tendency to attract incredibly brilliant people who will work for a minimum salary.  If you are independently wealthy, then great, no problem.  If you have large education debts, please do not neglect the fact this will undoubtedly impact your choice of jobs in the short term, even if not necessarily in the longer term.

Your first Legal job.  Getting your first Legal job is always a nerve wracking experience at best, and especially if you want to take a track other than going directly into a large law firm.  Unfortunately, nearly all major law schools are set up to build a funnel for large firms.  For your interests, even if you do not wish to 'end up' in a law firm or major global corporation, it usually makes considerable sense for you to go out to find the best ‘brand’ firm which you can, either in the US, UK or elsewhere.  You will be able to extract the majority of the benefits during this time by working at a firm for exactly two years (or three years, if in New York City) doing whatever type of legal work - - of course, its even better if your firm or company has a public international law practice, but this is not required.  By the end of this time, you will have ‘checked the box’ on your CV, and you can happily move on to what you really want to do.  This is by far is the safest option for most, and also incidentally, completes one of the requirements enabling you to be admitted to practice in other common law countries (e.g. the UK).  I’m not certain whether this is as helpful in other civil law countries, but I suspect it would be.

There is no question that working at a law firm, and potentially billing in ‘6 minute’ increments gets very tiring.  Reviewing e.g. commercial leases is even less fun than watching paint dry.  But this said, you will probably be practicing law for a very long time off and on anyway.  Having a good initial first employer on your CV, who has ‘trained’ you is always a good investment for your CV even if not necessarily beneficial to you over the long term.

As a lawyer who has graduated from a US law school, you are able to come to Europe with a well respected professional background (speaking generally).  In terms of global perceptions, US lawyers are highly respected, maybe in a similar form of the admiration to being world-class in other professions e.g. French engineers, British accountants, or Indian mathematicians - - not to foster bad stereotypes…  But, needless to say, the USA legal professional qualification travels well around the world, particularly among global employers.

This being said, there is a particular area of confusion when you first come out of law school.  Legal training is not the same around the world, meaning in France, a jurist has may have only attended the equivalent of undergrad and not graduate school (in terms of USA style nomenclature, depending on their qualifications).  In the UK, while there are some permutations, most young associates at large law firms will attend around a year and a half or so of graduate school, followed by two years of a training contract to learn how to practice law.  In Germany, many associates hold an LLM, or a PHD, at minimum, staying in school much longer.  While you probably can research the differences in the number of years of schooling better than me, you should be particularly aware of this issue when you turn up to speak with a new potential employer in Europe.  There is a risk of being perceived as wanting to find only a training contract, which is not needed as a USA law school graduate.  After your first job, the timing issue goes away as you accumulate more PQE (Post Qualification Experience).  The same is true in France, as I understand it.

An alternative path in human rights / non-profit sector for law students.  This is an area where my knowledge is limited.  But, if I wanted to pursue a career in this field, I would adopt some of the following key approaches.

First, figure out who are the heavyweights thought leaders in your particular field of interest, either individuals or organizations - - and, do your best to somehow associate yourself with their organization or sphere of colleagues.  You want to try to figure out who these organizations interact with, and by extension, which of these organizations might hire you.  Linkedin is an extraordinarily powerful resource for this research.  To test your hypotheses, try calling up or meeting up with the General Counsel of any public interest foundation (if not possible to meet in person, then email / Skype also works  but is far less effective than in person).  Introduce yourself, and ask him or her for some general advice, in particular what ‘outside counsel’ their foundation typically uses - - make clear that you admire the work of their foundation, and look to gain relevant experience by doing similar work in the future.  Ask about their Legal department organizational structure (General Counsels - GCs) love talking about this stuff), and what skills they look for over the long term, but even if not necessarily immediately.  If it goes well, you might get some really good information, and maybe even a referral to a firm or sister organization.  Senior Executives are very used to people asking them for jobs on a daily basis.  But, they get asked for their advice far less often.  Use this to your advantage... but do not be a pest.

As an example coming from NGOs, from time to time, I have occasionally dealt with some of the affiliates of the United Nations as a supplier. There are probably 20 of these, e.g. World Bank, IMF, UNHCR, IATA, WIPO, Red Cross, Red Crescent, and Red Crystal.  Some of these organizations you are probably more familiar to you than others.  There are two consistent traits that I see when dealing with their personnel.  First, many of the staff are about to retire, and second, their staff have all consistently bounced around the world working in many different UN affiliates and national governments doing all sort of different roles, both legal and non-legal.  The first of these is a well known problem for the UN and its agencies, at least, at a macro level, which might be helpfully to you. While I’m not certain what formal hiring programs may exist in these orgs, you should check with them around world, and particularly in Geneva, Switzerland and New York.  Also, in terms of firms which advise this types of groups, you should also talk with McKinsey & Company.  They do some very impressive pro bono work consulting for non-profits, and like to hire people with diverse backgrounds often having law degrees.

To get the attention of any large organization, and not just the UN agencies, you will always want to first find a way to get through the door, even if you need to do the unsexy type of legal work. ��Once you are inside, it is usually far easier to move internally.  For example, if you work for a big organization like the UN, they have a vast array of legal needs, ranging from the basic to the exotic.  It is undoubtedly the case that a large portion of the UN’s legal budget goes to HR and Procurement legal advice (e.g. doing commercial leases, procuring pencils and IT projects) (whether done in-house or by external firms.)  When a UN agency needs to lease a building in sub-Saharan Africa, some lawyer somewhere in the world needs to review and advise on the tender process (often in combination with other local lawyers).  Therefore, this is an opportunity to target.   Yes, this is not sexy work, but it gets you a pass into the ‘club’ to work on other more interesting projects in the future.

As a final thought.  Having outlined all of above, if you truly want to work in the non-profit / human rights space, it might be the case that being a ‘junior file clerk’ for Google.org or the Gates Foundation is equally beneficial (from a brand perspective to get your next job) as being a senior associate at Skadden Arps.

On the one hand, being at a big firm allows you to potentially develop a deep legal specialty, which might be later retooled for a good purpose.  For example, undoubtedly, at some point, a brilliant lawyer in some large law firm will figure out how to package up millions of ‘microfinance’ loans using mezzanine financing techniques (i.e. allowing Wall Street money to start funding billions of very small loans around the world) - - in so doing, they could indirectly create prosperity in Africa for a life time.

At the same time, NGOs have a potential to do great things too.  These are the people who are likely to generate the next generation of new legal concepts / quasi-regulatory regimes.  For example, a newer area which I am following lately relates to 'conservation services' and 'natural capital' (see Conservation International) (www.conservation.org).  These structures are, essentially, quasi-voluntary regulatory schemes to allow companies to share and manage ecological externalities (see Jennifer Morris's speech at Stanford).  For me, CI's approach is just a start of a major trend in this area: soon there will be ISO certificate schemes covering externality pricing, as well as voluntary business case weighting methodologies which hopefully over time will become a standard approach in global commercial activity - - yet, this said, few individuals in the world understand how these types of governance tools work in practice.  It simply cross too many intellectual domains, which so far has stymied adoption on a global level.  'Deep Greens' are not well suited to create these types of applied 'corporate' innovations around externalities, but maybe you are the one given your legal background.

Highly innovative organizations, such as the Gates Foundation, look great to onlookers because, in large part, by comparison, the other large global NGOs have tired ‘business’ models.  Often major NGOs have been doing the same exact thing for decades.  For me, I could see this as creating an opportunity.  It might be great fun to join one of these NGOs for the express purpose to reshape it, remake it, and help them to reinvent their bag of tricks as an NGO.  As a lawyer, you can have this level of influence within these types of organizations - - but, remember, always ask for forgiveness, never for permission when trying to affect major change within large organizations.

Keep in touch.  If you like this or have other items to add, please drop me a note.  I always enjoy hearing from people and what they think.  These are changing times!

Best of luck,

John

[aki-draws-things]

NaNoWriMo 2020 #20

And here we are, at the end of this month. For around 2k words I didn’t met the 50k goal but it’s fine nevertheless. I wrote, everyday for a whole month, I created things mostly for myself, worked on fics I’m going to expand . I probably got even a little better. All while still working full time and currently battling mental health that is proving to be harder than ever. So, in the end, it’s still a success and I’m proud of it.

This fic ended up way longer, but it also belongs to one of my favorite AUs and I just couldn’t stop writing.

Just a little background that I didn’t explained in the fic, Lan Qiren finds the Yin Iron instead of Wen Ruohan and the story moves accordingly. I wrote a little snippet or two before, of this reverse au, but this one is mostly focused on Wen Xu and Nie Mingjue.

Prompt: Trail of blood

Ship: Mingjue/Zonghui (but that’s not the focus)

Word Count: 6608

They once had been friends. He once had dreamed of becoming their sworn brother like his father did when he was younger, he once dreamed the three of them, heir to three of the Great Sects, standing together, side by side. Undisturbed. Untouched by mundane fights. Powerful and proud and strong in their friendship and brotherhood. He had always been a dreamer and his father warned him, not too long before that day, dreamers have a hard life in that world. The world is cruel and people easily turn against you, even those you trust the most. Especially those you trust the most.

They take you by the hand one day, treat you with kindness and love, they teach you what teachers and parents won’t. And you trust them. You love them. You love them so much you burst into flames. And they stay there and watch you burn, because they're the one starting the fire and they admire their great work.

And you burn.

He didn’t understand at first. He blamed his father’s words on grief. His older sworn brother had been badly wounded by a horned beast during a night hunt together, a hunt his older son joined too. He still remembered the look on Nie MingJue’s face when he told him, little Huaisang wailing inconsolable in his arms, the look when he asked him to take care of his little brother because the Unclean Realm wasn’t the best place for him. It took a while for Huaisang to finally let go of his brother, promises of sweets and some new brushes and fans, in the end he let go, only to cling just as desperately at him.

“Da-ge will be back to you before you even notice.” It was a lie, but aren't lies that people always say in those cases? Nie Huaisang started to ask of his brother right after dinner and the wailings started again, now followed by his own brother’s crying, in solidarity.

“Why are you even crying now?” His brother sobbed, crawled on the bed next to them and tucked his head under his arm so that he was holding both of them now.

“SangSang is— is crying.” He sniffled against him.

“That’s not an answer, Didi. You don’t have to do what SangSang does.”

“SangSang makes me sad.”

He wished he had listened to his father that day, maybe all of that wouldn’t have happened, maybe it would have gone differently at least.

Maybe. But it was late now.

They once had been friends. They studied together in Gusu and Qishan, they trained together, hunted together. They spent nights getting drunk and wandering aimlessly around the streets of whatever city they were in, Nie MingJue always sober and running after them before they could get themselves into trouble. They dreamed and shouted wishes at the night, starlit sky. They had been friends, and they had been happy.

Friendship ended in fire. Just like his father said.

The Lan Sect was, first and foremost, known for their rules. Secondarily for following a righteous path, pure and kind and gentle and true like the white robes they wore. Their rules had probably rules of their own, sub-rules, hidden things written so small on the wall that only a Lan could see it. Third, they never lied. It was against the rules, several of them, it was not proper to establish a good relationship with the other sects, and they were absolutely awful liars. Lan Xichen tried once with them, he almost fell for it, then he turned to MingJue who was staring at the young Lan Heir, a hand under his cheek, the elbow on the table and his head shaking just slightly, a fond smile playing on his lips.

“Don’t try that again, Xichen. Even a blind man could see it’s not true.”

Lan XiChen blushed and took a sip from his tea, their game not involving some Emperor’s Smile that time, not after Nie MingJue had to run after them in the middle of the night, way past curfew, around Cloud Recesses, and they kept running, blindly and drunk, in opposite directions.

Lans really couldn’t lie to save their lives but, he soon discovered, they could omit details and plans all too well, they were convincing, with their words falling like silver from their mouths, and their smiles never faltering making them appear completely innocent and honest. That was, in truth, lying but most people failed to see it through, too enchanted by their words.

He didn’t see it coming either, not until it was too late. By then he was burning. 

Nightless city was on fire. Literally, with no exceptions. 

"I don't want to!" his brother cried, clinging at his robes despite not being a child anymore. Wen Xu shook him off and pushed him toward a hidden passage with a Bag of important documents and papers they managed to save from the fire, history of their clan, rules they knew by heart but written by wen mao in person. 

"but you will." 

"brother!" 

"take him somewhere safe, somewhere that will not fall." he said turning to wen zhuliu who simply nodded, he already had two places in mind, trying to decide which one would be safer for the second master, which one was less likely to fall before they reached it. He wanted to ask wen xu, but people could hear them. nothing was safe now in Nightless city, and they were alone. 

"No! - wen chao screamed again. - no, come with us." he tried to reach out, his hand only brushing the sleeve of his older brother's robe before getting dragged away, his cries soon disappearing in the maze of underground corridors leading out of the city. He was in good hands, wen xu thought, gripping his sword and running to find their missing father, the best hands. More than once he trusted wen zhuliu with both his and his brother's life, his loyalty unmatched, just like his. Brother in Qinghe. Maybe Qinghe would be a good place to hide, the sect leader would definitely give them shelter and aid, he hated the Lans for years, ever since his father's ultimate demise. But perhaps Qinghe was also too obvious. The friendship once binding the three of them was not a secret. Perhaps Qinghe had already fallen. 

He stopped short on the doors of the fire palace, he stared at the line of inner disciples, people he knew by name since childhood, people he trained with, hunted with, people with whom he joked around during long nights of drinking and games. Not just disciples, friends. They were kneeling in the ground, robes torn and burned, blades shattered before them, powerless, waiting to be justice by the man towering over them, smiling in his still pristine robes. Waiting. 

"I was thinking you had ran away, a-xu." 

Don't call me that. You have no right to call me that. He wanted to say, growl, instead he gripped his sword and took a step closer, and another, and another, until he was standing in front of his men despite their loud protests to stay back, to run. Despite them saying they would die before letting the young Master get wounded. Lan xichen laughed. Nothing compared to the sound he remembered from the long sleepless nights in Gusu. It was… Dark. It was a pretty obvious description but wen xu couldn't think of any other word, no matter how childish the description was. 

"I'm glad you didn't. There is something I want to show you." 

For a second, a long agonizing second, he feared he would take out a head from the sleeve pocket. His brother's head. Or his cousins' one. But it would have been too gruesome even for him, and in no way his robes would remain this white and clean. A banner then, his mind said in dread. Qinghe's banner. 

Instead it was a little piece of, seemingly, rock, floating on his palm, pulsating with red energy. 

"do you know what it is, right? - of course. Of course he did. Lan xichen smiled again and he swallowed. - well, of course you do. You have a piece too. Now, there are two ways this situation can work out. You hand over your yin iron willingly, - he smiled and walked closer. - and keep your life and your disciples lives. Or I kill them, one by one, then I kill you and take the yin iron from your still warm body. Your choice, little cousin." 

He couldn't give it up, not now nor ever, not to him. His father entrusted him with the shard their clan hid ever since the great fight. Letting lan Xichen have the shard wouldn't only break his father's trust, but he would make the Lans way more dangerous than they already were and he could have that. How many more clans he would destroy? How many sects would fall under his power? 

"xichen-ge…" he tried. Maybe he could still reason with him, maybe deep down it was still his friend, his almost brother. 

"a-xu, a-xu… don't be silly. I have you a great option, to keep your life and your disciples lives. We know you're not that stupid to turn it down." 

"I can't… Xichen-ge you know I can't…" 

He almost said he didn't have it with himself, which was actually true, but that would make him change plans and go after the actual person in possess of the shard. - he trusted wen zhuliu with his life and his brother's life. He trusted him to get the yin iron out of nightless city and hide it somewhere. Possibly forever. He couldn't risk his life more than that. He had probably already condemned him anyway. - 

"a-xu. - now his voice wasn't sweet and kind anymore, there was a not even hidden warning in his tone, dangerous, threatening. - you're forcing my hand here." 

Something told him lan xichen wasn't waiting for an excuse, he was hoping he would refuse, just to have one more reason to fight. One more reason to kill them all. 

He couldn't give him what he wanted, and even if he could he didn't want to. But he could fight. - he would lose. Wen xu was no fool, he knew lan xichen was stronger than him, but he could buy his brother a little longer. He could buy his father, wherever he was, a chance to escape, given he was still alive. He would die, and he wasn't scared of it. - 

"no." he said, straightening his back and unsheathing his sword. He tried to look strong, unfazed by his threats, not a scared young man trying to distract him long enough for the others to save their lives. Lan xichen cocked his head and shook it slightly, his smile never faltering once, he didn't move, still as marble with the glowing shard hovering above his hand, waiting for wen xu to attack first and give him the only excuse he needed to strike back. It wouldn't take much once reached that point, his martial superiority was known to everyone. A fair fight would have been between lan xichen and nie mingjue, not between them. Wen xu hoped it would never get to that. 

Lan xichen seemed distracted for a moment, he grabbed something in his hand and smiled again, pleased. 

"seems like lotus Pier fell just now. - he said nonchalantly, like talking about the weather or the latest gossip running around lanling. He had never been one for gossip. - it's quite a blessing that the Wei boy has such a crush on wangji, he wouldn't deny him anything, not even his home. There is just one problem. Yunmeng has no yin iron. Qishan, on the other hand…"

He didn't care much for yunmeng in truth. He was familiar with the Jiang sect, sure, he was friends with Jiang Yanli and would never wish for her to be hurt, or worse, but the Jiang sect didn't raise a finger when the Lans began taking power. They didn't show support when nie zhenxiang was killed and his son became sect leader. On the contrary, both Jiang and jin sects tried to make moves on him, securing alliances through marriage. Hell! Jin guangshan even tried to offer himself to take care of the young leader and his brother, take them as wards as he rules over Qinghe until they're old enough. His father almost threw himself at the Jin sect leader, a white robe in striking contrast with the usual red and black ones of the wen clan, if anyone would be allowed to take care of the newly appointed nie leader that would be him, he said standing in front of nie mingjue who almost looked even smaller than usual, with being zhenxiang sworn brother and all. 

"not that sect leader Nie needs someone to administer Qinghe in his stead. - he added and turned to look at him. - youth doesn't affect ability, and in these past months as acting leader he proved to be just as great as any of us." 

There was a clear accent of pride in his voice, pride the first time wen xu had been jealous of before realizing, as they grew, that it was because mingjue had been the first. The first newborn his father ever held in his arms, the one he spoiled and kept spoiling even after having kids of his own. He stopped being jealous and started looking up to him. 

Of course, imagining lotus Pier burning into ashes was something he never wished, no matter how useless and blind they acted. Heavens knew who would be next. "not Qinghe. Please, not Qinghe." he silently begged. 

"but it seems like little a-xu doesn't want to cooperate. That's a real shame. You know…" he took a step closer and wen xu pulled the sword in front of himself. "I liked you. You were always my favorite. Mingjue-xiong is strong, sure but… He's too soft, don't you think? Always spoiling that little brother of his. You're not soft. I think I will give you one last option, because I'm in a good mood today." 

Good mood? You stand in front of a city on fire. You killed dozens of disciples to get there. If that's a good mood, then---

"join me." he held out his hand and wen xu eyed him warily. "join me and qishan will be spared. No, not just spared. You'll have power." 

Sure. Like they were going to share it. 

It almost seemed like lan xichen believed he would accept, maybe he hoped, maybe deep down he wished he would accept. 

Wen xu charged against him without giving him an answer, his action was enough already. Lan xichen didn't move until the last moment. His sword remained sheathed but from the yin iron shard came a light, red and hot, a wave that sent him tumbling back and falling on his knees. The shard pulsed again as he tried to raise and a new wave ran over him and the disciples forced on their knees. He screamed. 

It wasn't a pain he was used to with sword fights, it wasn't a cut or even a slash, it came from inside. His body was lit on fire from the inside. For a moment he wondered if those wen zhuliu took the core from felt like that. Maybe it was, maybe it was similar to a qi deviation. Maybe the yin iron energy was triggering one in that moment. 

It wasn't just pain. He felt his energy, his life force and his blood stream through his body and veins, like a constant rumble in his head that made it impossible to focus on anything else no matter how hard he would try. He tasted blood in his mouth, he saw his disciples fall on the ground, some still, some agonizing and screaming, some-- he saw blood. Blood drenching the streets of the nightless city, blood flowing into the flames, its smell mixing with the smoke and rising high to the sky. 

A shiver ran through his back, he tried to use his sword to lift himself but his arms gave out and he fell with his face on the dirt. 

Fire. Smoke. Blood. Screams. 

The wens were born in fire, his father said. They stole the sunlight for the world to never be left in the darkness again. Or so was the tale told to kids  as a bedtime story. It was only a tale in the end, his father said that fire couldn’t harm a true Wen. Either he wasn’t one or that was a lie, he didn’t care at that moment, he just wanted the pain to stop.

“Wen Xu.” Lan Xichen’s voice had lost all the sweetness he had; it was cold, unforgiving, he accepted no answer that wasn’t what he had in mind and he would not put his thoughts into words. His lips could say “Will you now join me?” - Or maybe he had just said that and Wen Xu didn’t realize, struggling to make out what was real and what not. - and the answer he wanted was “Of course I will follow you.”, no more, no less, exactly those words.

“No…” Wen Xu coughed, blood trickled down his chin and his vision faltered, Lan Xichen’s body swam out of focus for a moment, the world tilted and he was glad he was already on the ground, saving himself from another fall. He was going to die. For sure Lan Xichen was going to kill him, search him and the palace for the Yin Iron and, realizing it wasn't there and he had lost a lot of precious time he would hunt down his brother.

“Please… please be safe.” He thought, and night dawned on the Wen’s city.

Lan Xichen didn’t kill him in the end and that was already surprising enough. Perhaps he thought him dead, but he must have not checked for whatever reason, or he had been distracted by something else, got a message or something. Anyway Wen Xu woke up coughing blood and shivering, surrounded by bodies and almost dead fires. No Lans in sight, like they all left Nightless city to its now obvious fate. He couldn’t stay anyway, he had to get out, get somewhere safe and find his brother and their father before it was too late hoping beyond hope that it wasn't already too late.

He felt his stomach churn as he forced his body to move, bile and blood rising to his mouth, everything hurt even where he can’t find any physical wound. Still he forced himself to move, slowly walk out of the city, away from the some and the blood and the smell of burnt flesh of people he once knew. He dragged his feet for hours, through the night and the following day, his strength too unstable to even dare to fly on his sword, the thought of enemies around every corner forbidding him to stop and take a well deserved rest. He couldn’t stop, he couldn’t sit down on the root of a tree in a hidden path and close his eyes a moment. He couldn’t even try to stop the bleeding without risking losing consciousness on the spot. He could only move. Keep moving. Move forward until his weary feet crossed the borders of Qinghe. But he still couldn’t rest, not before reaching the Unclean Realm. He would be safe there, his older cousin would give him shelter, perhaps he already did it for his brother and Wen Zhuliu,. Perhaps he would get there and find them safely inside the tall walls. The Unclean Realm couldn’t fall, not to strength or convincing words. Unbending like the steel of their sabers.

The first time he saw the walls around the Unclean Realm Wen Xu was five and thought it was the most terrifying high walls ever. Everything was in dark gray and black colors, walls, doors, the robes of the soldiers keeping watch. Even the Sect Leader and his older son wore gray robes. Over the years, as he grew older and closer to Nie MingJue he began appreciating the hidden colors of the Nie Sect. Nie MingJue still wore dark gray, but there his inner robe was a pale, creamy white, something he would later see Nie Huaisang wear all the time, there were accents of silver on his outer robe, on the hems of the sleeves and the collar, silver for the sewing thread used in most of his clothes. Wen Xu had always been exceptionally fond of a light, almost transparent dark gray robe MingJue sometimes wore during official meetings and celebration. It made him look almost regal. There was also some gold, on the belt and the tassel hanging from his fan and from Baxia sheath, they said gold was his mother’s color. - he had a hairpin in the shape of a sun with a red stone, a symbol, Wen Xu recognized immediately, of the Wen Sect. When he asked when he got it, and from who Nie MingJue shook his head, finger brushing over the hairpin. “I have it with me since I remember.” He admitted, he later found out it had been the gift his father gave him for his birth, as a sign of his brotherhood with Nie ZhēnXiàng and as soon as MingJue was old enough, and his hair long enough, his father put it on. -

The Unclean Realm was much warmer than what his walls would give away and for Wen Xu that warmth meant safety. He dragged his feet weakly through the streets, he leaned on the walls of nearby houses and only stopped to cough in his hand. Blood trickled from his mouth, it pooled under his feet when he stopped, drenched the red robes and left a trail behind him as he walked. Wounds began to split open as he moved, like the energy that hit him and threatened to destroy his body from inside was slowly making his way out, cutting his chest to get out. The fire was gone, he felt cold, shivering and freezing; he felt numb, his limbs weak and heavy as he dragged himself closer and closer to safety, forcing his body not to stop moving.

There were voices, suddenly, voices close, familiar ones, they called his name, they screamed, demanded to know what happened. He couldn’t place the voices, or was it only one?, he couldn’t find the strength to answer, he looked up, eyes half closed and unfocused, his body trembling so much he felt like he was going to tumble over at any moment if he dared to take one more step, there was a translucent robe entering his line of view, a familiar one. Safe. His mind said at the blurred sight, and that was the last thing Wen Xu remembered. He fell into strong arms and finally stopped.

Qinghe winter nights were long. People living there got used to it after the first years, they got used to waking up in the early morning before the sun was fully up, they got used to seeing it go down as they were still working and returned to their homes in the light of thousands of lanterns. Some people carried their personal lanterns, some were classic, a candle in a metal cage with paper around it to protect it from the wind, others were fancier lanterns in silk, they all had the same purpose of lighting the way home. Nie MingJue had a metal cage colored in gold, the paper had some birds and flowers inked on it by Huaisang, in the perfect light the bird’s eye shone gold, nie MingJue knew he did it on purpose and couldn’t help but love the lantern, he used it to move around the palace at night, like in that moment.

He opened the door just enough to get inside and closed it behind himself before any wind could get in. Winter nights were cold just as much as they were long.

The young man on the bed didn’t move, he slept peacefully through the days and the nights, the healer said his body was recovering slowly, the yin energy caused more damage than what it looked like and his qi was struggling to balance itself.

“You’re telling me he had an induced qi deviation?”

“Sect Leader, I wouldn’t put it in those exact terms, but the symptoms are similar to a deviation, yes.”

“Induced one it is, then.” He decided, because there was no other explanation.

He sat by the bed, vigil and awake, waiting for a change that in three days didn’t come. He too had his small knowledge of healing, many years before, almost a lifetime before, he had begged Lan Qiren to teach him when the Nie healers said it wasn't a knowledge he should lose time on. Master Lan on the other hand taught him to heal wounds, to share his energy and to stabilize the qi. It wasn’t much but it probably saved his life many times already. What he didn’t know was how to stabilize it when a source of Yin energy was rejecting it, there was no one that could teach him, no one that could help. So he waited and kept watch.

“You need to rest Da-ge.” Huaisang said, slipping in the room when noticing the light still on.

“I’m resting.” His voice betrayed him, he stifled a yawn and closed the heavier robe in front of himself.

“It doesn't look like it. You snapped at ZongHui today.”

Yes, he did, he thought guiltily, he also went to apologize after the meeting was officially over; he knelt in front of his chamber and bowed, he said he was sorry, asked for his forgiveness and that it had been improper and unfair for him, as a sect Leader, to behave in such manner. ZongHui sounded almost surprised, not even angry at him. He understood his worry, perhaps better than most people, he shared that same worry, and the rest too.

“If you’re not angry… - Nie MingJue sounded uncertain, still kneeling in front of him until Nie ZongHui forced him on his knees if MingJue didn’t want him to kneel too. - then why did you get out of the council room that fast?”

“You asked me to check on our prisoner, didn’t you? I thought you meant in that moment.”

“Oh…”

“He still doesn’t want to talk.” Nie ZongHui had said.

“I know, Huaisang. - MingJue said to his brother, shaking away the memory of his voice rising to his most trusted man. - And I apologized already. You should be in bed already, or you’ll be late for training again, tomorrow.”

“Da-geeeee…” he complained pouting as he slipped out of the room.” “You go to bed too! Or you’ll fall asleep during training!”

He knew, it wouldn't be the first time either, but he couldn't simply leave wen xu and go sleep, not after--

The truth was wen xu reminded him of father. Nie huaisang was too young at the time, he remembered the shock and the pain of losing him, but not the long, restless nights spent awake, waiting for him to get better, waiting as his qi destroyed his own body. Healers said it was different, small details making it different, wen xu wasn't going to succumb to a massive qi deviation, probably. Still nie mingjue sat by his bed and waited. 

It was after a week that the wen heir woke up, dazed, looking at his surroundings until his eyes settled on the person dozing off next to the bed. He didn't feel rested, he felt like he could sleep one week more, but he also didn't feel his body threatening to split at any moment. 

"you're awake." there was a little surprise in the voice, there was sleep he tried to brush off, a hand holding his and a worried, yet relieved look on MingJue's face. Yes, he was awake. Alive. Safe. 

"my brother…?" he asked, voice raspy, his throat hurting. Nie mingjue shook his head, he wasn't there, wen xu hoped he still managed to reach a safe place. 

"think of getting better yourself, you almost died." he said. "I'll send my spies  to look for him." wen xu nodded, not thinking much of his words and fell asleep. 

The next time he woke up he felt better, more awake, more focused. Nie mingjue was still there. 

"you don't have spies." he stated as a greeting. He had never heard of spies in the Nie sect. They were known for strength, for heavy sabers and direct battles, spies were more something his sect had, or the Jin sect. 

"No, I don't. - nie mingjue agreed with a chuckle. - I have only one spy and it's my own man." 

As if on clue, a shadow appeared outside the door, kneeling and silently asking permission to enter, granted by a quick gesture of MingJue's hand. 

"I found them." 

The man was familiar, wen xu was sure he met him before but he couldn't remember the name, or where he met him. It wasn't important. 

"my brother?" 

"and zhuliu." the man nodded. The next thing wen xu noticed, when dropping his head with a relieved sigh, was the man's shadow. It was… Weird. It was long, stretched in a way that was impossible in that light, almost like it was checking outside. He blinked, thinking it was a trick of the light or due to his tiredness. 

"can you bring them here safely?" 

The man bowed and his shadow stretched more, before he turned to leave. 

"what-- who is he?" 

Wen xu finally dared to ask. 

"nie zonghui. My spy." mingjue said with a little smile. "he comes from the Zhao clan, you're familiar with it, right?"  

The name was familiar. Zhao… Zhao….

"zhuliu came from the Zhao clan… I thought he was the last survivor."

Nie mingjue sat with his back against the bed.

"they're brothers from what I know. The clan wasn't known for they're high cultivation, but every generation had a member with a particular, unnatural ability. In our generation there have been two." 

"and the destruction of the clan when zhuliu lost control over it. What is zonghui?" 

"a shadow. - well, that was obvious enough given how silent he appeared and how his own shadow acted on his own but… - they're twins and their parents were too so proud that zhuliu developed such strong ability, despite its danger, that they wanted to keep him safe. So they made his twin his shadow. He had to protect him from everything and everyone. Zonghui said that when he was 10 and his brother's power went rogue his own ability got triggered and he merged with the darkness to save himself. He lived as such for a couple of years before learning how to free himself, and then they took separate ways."

"he literally became his shadow…" wen xu said, almost sadly. "that's why sometimes zhuliu looks back at his shadow despite them not being together. But… but zhuliu never mentioned a brother, even less a twin." 

"Zonghui left in the night, without a goodbye. Like a shadow. That's when I found him, hiding on the walls of the palace. He looked cold and uncomfortable so I took him in." 

Wen xu stifled a laugh, people said the Nie brothers were nothing alike, but they were wrong. They both were way too keen on taking in strays, be it little birds like huaisang did or people, like mingjue did more time than people knew. Zonghui hadn't been the first one, and he probably wasn't the last either. - he was taking them in too, when most sects would ignore them in fear the lan would come after them. - 

"you're lucky to have someone like him." he commented, laying on his side, a hand playing softly over nie MingJue's hair like so many times before, they were close enough to let themselves be seen at their weakest point without fear, close enough to let the other touch them. - wen xu prided himself of having been the first person to have sect leader Nie under his hands, completely at his mercy, to have him beg for one touch more. It had been one night only, they knew they wouldn't work in the long run, but nothing could stop them from trying. Despite the two years Mingjue had more than him, Wen Xu immediately realized he never let anyone close. Not that close. For a moment he wondered if he still was like he remembered, melting like snow in the sun in the care of someone he trusted and loved. - "it looks like he belongs to you, from the way he was bowing." 

"the way he was… - nie mingjue laughed lightly and cocked his head to look at him. - are you sure you're not referring to the mark you keep touching now? Always so subtle, xu'er. Subtle indeed." 

They slipped back in a familiar banter as they waited, knowing, both of them, that this was the only way they wouldn't fall apart in the dawn of a war. 

It took three days for ZongHui to return, while he could move easily and fast through the shadows he couldn’t bring anyone with himself. Wen Xu woke up with a sudden movement of the mattress, like someone had joined him, he opened his eyes to the sight of his little brother hugging his neck like life depended on that, desperately grasping at his robes and hiding against his shoulder. As soon as he realized who it was his arms flew to hold him just as tight before grabbing Wen Zhuliu, silently waiting beside the bed, and bringing him down in a hug.

“Let’s leave them be. - Nie MingJue said, a hand resting over ZongHui’s neck. - You traveled far and spent enough energy. Come rest.” He di9don’t complain, letting MingJue lead the way, for once.

The Wens never spent more than a week in the Unclean Realm before, usually during cultivation conferences or meeting his father had with the Sect Leader, both MingJue and his late father. Now, despite wishing to return to Qishan and help rebuild it, despite wanting to search for their father, they stayed in Qinghe, if possible the safest place. The Lans could easily get them there, it was true, they could come, both Twin Jades, and destroy everything on their path, but Lan Qiren wasn’t stupid, and neither were his nephews. A direct attack on Qinghe would mean an instant war, and even they, with their seemingly unstoppable army of puppets, couldn’t hope to win without proper preparations.

Lanling, they got notice of, had been quick to bow to the new master of their lands, giving them up in fear masked by an obviously fake alliance. Not even someone like Jin GuangShan could really believe Lan Qiren words of keeping them safe would hold as soon as someone spoke ill of them.

Qinghe still had a little advantage. If the Lans dared to attack the prisoner they had would be delivered to them instantly. In pieces.

What surprised more Wen Xu was how unafraid Nie MingJue looked when speaking of threats and possibilities, when he planned for the oncoming war, be it in a month or a year. The soft young man he knew once had totally been absorbed by the hate for those he considered part of his family in their youth, and Wen Xu couldn’t blame him. His people, his disciples always swore to follow him, to advance and retreat with him, no matter what lay ahead or behind them. He almost wished he could inspire his people with the same loyalty one day, one very distant day, because in no way his father was dead, in no way he would become Sect Leader right before a war, he didn’t even know where to start. And as he watched and dreamed to be like him he saw the cracks stretch bigger and deeper. When the world was turned and people weren’t looking at Nie MingJue he saw the cracks appear. One by one he saw them stretch larger, threatening to destroy him before the time, threatening to swallow him.

“Do you think it exist, a different way?”

He joined him one night when he noticed him sitting on the stairs of the silent training ground.

“A different way for what?”

“Stop them. To avoid a war. Do you think—”

“No.” And his voice broke, because deep down, Wen Xu knew he wished too to find a different way, buried deep beneath rage and grief and desire to protect. “We knew war would come for us the day Master Lan found the Yin Iron, we just turned a blind eye on that until he arrived in our gardens and trampled on everything on his path.”

“But maybe… What if we destroy the Yin Iron?”

Nie MingJue turned, he looked at him, pained, before standing and crossing his arms over the chest, pulling the robe so that it closed on the front, protecting him from the cold.

“I don’t know. - He admitted and Wen Xu looked up. - I don’t know what would happen, I don’t know what will happen the day we’ll move. But I know it will end in war and people will die.”

Wen Xu didn’t want a war. He had been trained, of course, he knew how to fight, and he knew how to survive. He had people he wanted to protect and that was enough to convince him, but he had never been on a real battlefield, he never had to look at his men in the eyes, the few that survived the burnt, and led them into battle. Her would, of course, because it was the only thing to do, right rot wrong meant little when fighting for survival, but he would carry the guilt and the weight of every man he would lose. Nie MingJue seemed to read his thoughts as clear as he had spoken them.

“Maybe there is another way, and maybe that way would work, - Wen Xu looked back at him, suddenly hopeful. - But I will take the higher risk in a battle so that you, and our brothers, won’t have to fight one later.” “Because I will not survive this one.” He thought.

In the end war came. In the end the four Sects came together against the Lans. In the end Wen Xu felt no shame in admitting how scared, absolutely terrified, he felt even when standing side by side to Nie MingJue. In the end he curled up on Nie MingJue one night, their fingers intertwined and held tight in fear of having the other disappear. In the end, when morning came, Wen Xu woke up to an empty bed.

In the end there was blood running down the white stones of Cloud Recesses as he ran as fast as he could until he reached a small pavilion surrounded by absolute silence and a red, pulsing light; Nie MingJue's body, bloody and battered, laid slumped against the wall. At the sound of his footsteps stopping Lan Xichen turned, eyes flashing red and blood smeared on his smiling lips, a hand holding Nie MingJue’s face up, fingers clawing in his skin.

“You arrived just in time. - He said, voice low, never looking away, almost freezing Wen Xu in place. He wasn’t scared. He couldn’t be scared. Not now. Not when it mattered. - Will you join me, now?”

[faerieavalon]

20. What feedback makes you the happiest to hear?

29. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

20. What feedback makes you the happiest to hear? 

Feedback of any kind is welcome, loved, and appreciated. If I had to pick a favorite, it’s those moments when people pick out certain lines of something I write to show a moment that really stuck out to them. That’s when I can see what my readers are noticing and cater my future writing to how they look at my story. Writing is my favorite hobby and having someone interested in what I have to say feels amazing. Knowing what and why they like it tells me how to improve and focus in the future.

Secondarily to that, I like when people tell me if there’s a thing that left them confused. I spend so much time immersed in my world that I sometimes forget the simplest detail because to me, it’s just known. If a reader says something like “what does he mean by___” then I can go back and fix what I overlooked.

29. What part of the writing process do you enjoy the most? (Brainstorming, outlining, writing, editing, etc) 

Brainstorming, without a doubt. I never make outlines, struggle with word choice while writing, and would rather stab myself in both eyes than edit. (Major props to my beta, she’s a lifesaver and I love her to pieces). Most of my brainstorming is done by following a tangential thought down the rabbit hole (or through the eluvian) and then looking back with the idea of “oh,crap I should save that for later.” It’s organic and feels so much like improv acting class, which I also adored. 

[stoweboyd]

Work Futures Daily - Marching Backwards Into The Future

The anthropology of the future is the study of ourselves. | Claude Lévi-Strauss

2018-04-09 Beacon NY - Yesterday, I touched on David Evans' thoughts on being a futurist.

'Futurist' sounds somewhat pretentious, so I often say I am a anthropologist of the future, or a work ecologist, because ecology and anthropology, while 'soft' sciences, are not so squishy as 'futurology' is.

In the piece, yesterday I used the Marshall McLuhan quote:

We look at the present through a rear-view mirror. We march backwards into the future.

and I noted that when we look into McLuhan’s rear-view mirror we are seeing ourselves just as much as the road behind. And that looking at ourselves in the rearview mirror, that self-study, that's the anthropology I am up to, whatever name you call it.

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On Automation, Walmart, and the World

The great debate about automation's role in decreasing work is unresolved, but new research suggests it is decreasing the proportion of money flowing to workers, even if it is not decreasing the total number of jobs:

Walmart has doubled its use of self-checkouts in stores, according to a recent investor presentation, and newly remodeled locations have fewer lanes staffed with a cashier. What’s more, inside its Store No. 8 incubator, which is experimenting with technologies such as robotics, virtual and augmented reality, and artificial intelligence, Walmart is, according to Recode, developing Project Kepler—a store similar to Amazon Go with no checkout lines or cashiers.

In theory, automation doesn’t have to eliminate jobs, on balance, or drive down worker pay. It could free up workers to do higher value, better-paid tasks. It could generate consumer demand and create new categories of jobs.

David Autor of MIT and Anna Salomons of Utrecht University recently published a study on automation that examined data on 28 industries in 18 countries in the OECD. They find that, since 1970, automation hasn’t reduced jobs—in fact, it has slightly increased them. But since the beginning of the 2000s, automation has reduced workers’ share of national income. “This finding is consistent with automation having become in recent decades less labor-augmenting and more labor-displacing,” they write.

According to their research, workers’ employment, hours, or wages haven’t fallen. But wages have risen less rapidly than overall economic growth, with owners getting an increasingly large share. Autor suggests this trend could continue as automation increases. “No, the robots will not take all of our jobs,” he says in a Brookings video. “The concern should not be about the number of jobs, but whether those jobs are jobs that can support a reasonable standard of living.”

Walmart envisions a future of retail with far fewer workers on the floor, and while those may be better compensated, many of the people involved in the supply chain to get groceries from their point of origin to your home may be on demand freelancers, working for Uber-esque services that Walmart doesn't directly control. Or replaced by partially or fully automated steps in the supply chain, like autonomous trucks, warehouse robots, and drone delivery services.

Walmart is the brick-and-mortar retail chain who is investing the most time and effort into the game-changing revolution that Amazon is bringing online. Expect massive disruption, economically and societally.

…

Over at the MIT Technology Review, Will Knight calls the US government to wake up to the threat of other governments investing huge amounts in AI, like China, France, and others, so that we don't fall behind in basic research. He takes a few paragraphs away from his breathless techno-utopianism to mention possible negatives, but only a few:

But a government AI policy must go beyond calls for research funding.

While AI can drive economic growth, it may also accelerate the eradication of some occupations, transform the nature of work in other jobs, and exacerbate economic inequality (see "The relentless pace of automation"). It is critical that governments prepare for this transformation. This might mean exploring ways to find training and employment opportunities for those who have lost jobs to automation and AI. Academic experts and institutions have been sounding the alarm over this issue and have warned that it might have serious social consequences. Those problems will surely require government action.

"Planning for job displacement that AI will cause is best done by government," says Andrew Ng, a prominent AI researcher who was previously the chief scientist at Baidu and is now involved with several different AI projects.

The big problem with this minimal backstop to the impacts of automation is that there are functionally zero good examples of such broad retraining. As a result, the comment by Andrew Ng is useless: it doesn't matter who does the planning for job displacement if retraining doesn't work well.

Of course, that sentiment could just be a smokescreen, allowing that enormous and increaingly profitable tech multinationals to externalize the costs of social disruption by automation, while increasingly poor governments, starved of capital by endless austerity budgets and low corporate tax rates, struggle or completely fail to accomplish the retraining.

On Network Publicy Governance

I was mentioned in a tweet today, thanking me for inspiration for a 2018 Digital Society book, Network Publicy Governance. My contribution was the term 'publicy' and the concept behind it.

I have not read the book in its entirety, just scanned it, but the authors, Andreá Belliger and David Krieger, are motivated by this goal:

The occasion for this book is the growing conflict between the call for a “data-driven” society on the one side and the demand for ensuring individual freedom, autonomy, and dignity by means of protecting privacy on the other. Gathering and exploiting data of all kinds in ever greater quantities promises to create value and efficiency in business, education, healthcare, social services, energy, transportation, and almost all other areas of society. But at the same time, fears of loss of privacy lead to ever more prohibitive regulations.

The Facebook Follies show up again.

They go on:

It would seem that we are entering the 21st Century with society divided into those who believe that as much information as possible should be integrated into decision-making in all areas and at all levels and those who believe that human freedom, autonomy, and even dignity depend on secrecy and the withholding of as much information as possible. This book is an attempt to analyze the causes of this deep conflict in Western societies. Furthermore, it attempts to offer a perspective on how we might move forward into a world which is at once based on data and on a self-understanding of the human individual as an informational self whose freedom and dignity do not depend on privacy.

[...]

We will not rehearse the usual narrative of freedom, autonomy, and dignityin terms of inequalities and power struggles between weak individuals on the one side and overpowering corporations and governments on the other. Instead, we will attempt to reformulate these issues in terms of networks.

[…]

From the network perspective, social theory in general and privacy discourse, in particular, can no longer proceed from the assumption that weare dealing with clearly bounded unities, whether individual, organizational, or governmental. When actors become networks, that is, when actors are constituted in networks and exist as networks, then they enter into a condition that can be considered to be the “default” condition of humans in society. This condition, following Stowe Boyd, can be termed “publicy.” Publicy is not publicity. It is not the state of being known, but the condition of being an informational self. In contrast to the essentially private individual of Western modernity, the informational self is not an isolated individual that somehow secondarily enters into social contracts, but a hybrid and heterogeneous ensemble of associations that are always already social. The informational self is constitutively linked up to others, both human and nonhuman.

Just an introduction to the book, which seems to be freely available on Academia.edu.

Those interested in publicy might enjoy this, The Decade Of Publicy, and Secrecy, Privacy, Publicy, or this piece from the NY Times about the term, Schott's Vocab: Publicy.

On Life

Via Warren Ellis, Vadik Marmeladov's Code Of Practice

Wear the uniform

Think long term (like 30 years from now)

Build stories and languages, not things

Create your own universe (or join ours)

Collect samples

Be a sample for somebody else

Look for loyalty, not for a skill set

Do not build utilitarian products. However, use them as a medium to express yourself

Do not exploit introverts — doesn't work long term. Learn to be an introvert yourself

Travel more

Do not work for corporations. Old corporations were meaningful when their founders were alive, but now, they have outlived their relevancy. They exist only to keep their numbers growing

New corporations are no better. They have scaled up features, and today’s founders want hyper-growth for growth’s sake (it seems like every line of code, every feature deserves its own corporation — it sure doesn't)

So, fuck the corporations

Tell the truth (bullshit never works long term)

Study and research fashion

Your phone is a temporary feature — don’t spend your life on it (like you wouldn’t spend it on a fax machine)

Fuck likes, followers, fake lives, fake friends

Remake your environment. Build it for yourself, and people will come

Only trust those who make things you love

Move to LA

Don’t buy property

Don’t go to Mars (just yet)

Use only one font, just a few colors, and just a few shapes

Use spreadsheets, but only to map out 30 cells — one for each year of the rest of your life

The next three are the most important

The past doesn’t exist — don’t get stuck in it

Don’t go to Silicon Valley (it’s not for you if you’re still reading this)

Remind yourself daily: you and everyone you know will die

We must build the most beautiful things

We are 2046 kids

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Question or comment? (Can be private, or public: your choice. I occasionally publish public comments or questions.)

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More media, politics, and social commentary on stoweboyd.com, including bio.

[brasskier]

Ahh okay I’m a bit late here, I was waiting until I had the chance to get on my computer so I could format this coherently. Thank you @major-trouble for tagging me! I don’t have 20 fics published yet, so I separated my holiday geraskefer fic into individual chapters and threw in my almost-finished upcoming BTHB wip to bulk it out a wee bit.

Detective Work: Jaskier probably should've told Geralt when he slipped and smashed his head into a rock on the riverbank coming back up from his morning bath, or should've at least known it was bad when bright worms of light started squiggling in his peripheral and words suddenly got a lot harder to string together.

Just a Silhouette: The trip to Tretogor wasn’t supposed to last long.

Oil on Water: A knock at his door jarred Jaskier out of his dreamless sleep, and he rolled onto his stomach, pressing his face against the pillow.

An Itch You Can't Scratch: “Wait,” Geralt commanded, the heel of his palm pressed against Jaskier’s chest to physically hold him back.

Affection: Yennefer liked watching him perform, was even willing to admit it now, and as she rested her chin in her palm and watched in enraptured silence she'd occasionally catch herself wondering what Geralt thought when he sat and watched.

Miss Piggy: "Geralt?" His name escaped in a panicked gasp, that odd whisper-shout that was unmistakably Jaskier and unmistakably terrified.

Come Morning Light: When Jaskier stumbles upon the little shack three-quarters of the way down the mountain, he only intends to stay there just for one night.

Crazy: At first, she thought Geralt was crazy.

One Words and the Blink of an Eye: When Jaskier awoke their third day on the mountain, he immediately noticed three things in the following order: one, his head was pounding so much that he wondered if he'd been intoxicated the night before.

The Space Between Breaths: Jaskier is five, frolicking through the garden and dodging shouts of “don’t ruin your new clothes” and “be careful” the first time he feels his throat swell up.

Hallucinogenics: Jaskier was tripping fucking balls.

RPVFH, The One Where Flights are Cancelled: When Geralt first met Jaskier, checking an ID he was almost certain had to be fake (it wasn't; Jaskier was twenty-four), he slid off his coat to reveal an incredibly garish reindeer-emblazoned tie.

RPVFH, The One Where Geralt Learns the True Meaning of Christmas: Geralt wasn't exactly sure what he expected when he heard the urgent knock at his door that Tuesday afternoon.

RPVFH, The One Where Jaskier Conquers Judaism: It all began with an offhand comment from Geralt not long before the new year.

RPVFH, The One Where Roach Comes Home: November of 2018 was stressful in the Rivia-Pankratz-Vengerberg household (they really needed to think of something more clever than that).

Learning Curves: Traveling with Jaskier again comes with a learning curve.

What Isn't Said: Geralt stumbled upon Jaskier for the first time since the dragon hunt early the next spring, at a crowded market a week or two northeast of Oxenfurt.

Just Jaskier: Jaskier knows, realistically, that he'll have to tell Geralt eventually, or the Witcher will inevitably figure it out for himself.

Love's Such a Delicate Thing That We Do: The human mind is a strange and fragile thing, Yennefer thinks, though somewhere deep inside she knows this is a fact she is not exempt from.

Patterns: my opening lines are either paragraph-length, syntactically incomplete abominations of the English language, or like five words, and there is little in-between. It seems Geralt and Jaskier are popular catalysts for the opening action, often Jaskier because he's getting into trouble lol. Even when Yen is the focus of most of the action, she doesn't always kick off the fic because she's usually not the cause of the problem but the solution to it. I usually seem prioritize establishing action or context, letting the subject(s) and setting come secondarily if need be. The opening lines for Crazy and Learning Curves read almost like thesis statements, which is interesting because they're probably my two most uniquely formatted.

Favorite: this was hard. I love the opening to Crazy because it's straight and to the point, and there's a callback at the end, and Hallucinogenics is a betrayingly fun introduction (that also calls back several times). But my absolute favorite is The Space Between Breaths. I think it just does a good job of setting up context, subject, and action all in one line, and it's definitely the kind of opening line that would draw me into someone else's fic.

Uhh I’m pretty sure just about everyone’s been tagged by now lmao, but if you see this and wanna do it take this as your open invitation.

First Lines Meme

I was tagged by @lohrendrell (Thank-you!!) and honestly had been putting it off because work has been insane. I am choosing the last 20 things I posted to AO3, because going through my WIPs right now makes me depressed.

EDIT: @rawrkinjd and @tumbleweedtech also tagged me!! I love my friends <3

List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than  20, just list them all). See if there are any patterns. Choose your  favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

1. “We’re friends, right?” - Part and Parcel

2. “Do you think they can see you?” Geralt growls in his ear. - In Clear View

3. Familiarity breeds contempt. - Run, Rabbit, Run

4. Something glinted gold in the light of the late afternoon sun. - Shell Casings

5. Jaskier had never been so scared in his life. - One Kiss Away From Killing

6. The woods here were old - older than any could remember. - Agony

7. “Doctor Pankratz, are you telling us that despite having nearly ten months of leave from your position - paid, I might add, by the university foundation - you have yet to make any significant progress on your research?” - Papered Hearts

8. Jaskier was pretty certain that he was allowed to pet the goats. - Pied Piper

9. Jaskier told himself he’d moved on. - What Once Was Lost

10. The ring sat heavy in the palm of Jaskier’s hand. - Technically Not a Love Story

11. “You did all the work!” Valdo’s voice is shrill even to his own ears. - Misstep, Misstate, Mistake

12. Valdo was fucked. And not in a good way. - Hesitate

13. Jaskier had been eyeing the extremely quiet - extremely attractive - guy sitting by himself in the corner of the coffee shop for half the morning. - It’s Not a Request

14. Jaskier lay in the meadow at the edge of the woods, staring up at the trees. - Like Water in the Desert

15. Valdo was in trouble. This was an unusual sensation for the troubadour. - When I Dream of Dying

16. Jaskier can hear the echo of his mother’s words as he lays bleeding in the meadow. - This is Going to Kill Me, Isn’t It?

17. There was a spot in a high tower near the very top of the crumbling remains of Kaer Morhen that Lambert liked to go to when he couldn’t stand to be around anyone else anymore. - In a High Tower

18. This is a nice dream, Jaskier thought, swinging his feet back and forth where they hung down off the fence. - Bleeding Through the Edges

19. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Every epic story, every beautiful ballad had a happy ending. The lovers reunited, the villain was vanquished, and all the players lived happily ever after. No one died - well, no one who wasn’t supposed to - and heartbreak was a fleeting thing that was mended by the last page of the story or the last note of the song. - Faultlines

20. The first time it happens Jaskier is fourteen. His best friend is the inn keeper’s son and they spend long summer days running away from chores and responsibilities. Lettenhove is a sprawling port city and they find plenty of ways to get in and out of mischief and trouble. They steal pastries from the baker. They distract the blacksmith’s daughter until the fire in the forge burns too low and he bellows at her in anger. They play dice in the streets and trick drunkards out of coin. - Black Spots

Pattern: I really like short openers. Just, BAMM statement of intent. Also, starting with “Jaskier” seems to be a favourite, lol. I also get less verbose over time. Single lines instead of whole paragraphs. With it all laid out like that, I might consider going back to that. It flows a bit better.

Favourite Opening Line: Probably the one from “Faultlines”. I spent a lot of time getting the mood right on that one. The second is definitely from “When I Dream of Dying” because it is so much fucking fun to write Valdo. He is an absolute cheeky shit and it’s all very tongue in cheek.

Tagging: Honestly I think nearly everyone’s been tagged at this point, but I will tag @brasskier @norationalthoughtrequired @crushcandles @ghostinthelibrarywrites @stinastar @wherethewordsare @lutes-and-dandelions but obviously only if you’d like to! I’ve been finding even more Fun Fics this way, following along with everyone’s posts, so thank-you!!

[wishiwould]

I got tagged twice recently! This one was from @frotu

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag some blogs you would like to get to know better!

1. Name/Nickname: Typically just Lauren. My older sister called me “Lobaby” when I was a toddler!

2. Gender: female

3. Star sign: Scorpio

4. Height: 5’6”

5. Hogwarts house: Ravenclaw

6. Favourite animal: Deer! 

7. Hours of sleep: this is incredibly inconsistent. Right now while I’m on disability my sleep schedule is all messed up, and I’ve been sleeping maybe 6 hours, waking up and scrolling through social media, then after a few hours falling asleep for another 2-3 hours.

8. Dogs or cats: cats!

9. Number of blankets: Right now in the winter, depending how effectively the heater is working...six. Often in the middle of the night I have to throw all or most of them off.

10. Dream trip: a literary walking tour of Paris.

11. Dream job: Writer, possibly D&D Podcaster.

12. Time: 7:34pm

13. Birthday: November 14

14. Favourite bands: I don’t know bands very well! I’ll usually just have individual songs I dig. Primarily movie soundtracks, actually...but as far as like, typical BANDS? Right now those songs I’m into are by Kansas, Simon and Garfunkel, and Hozier.

15. Favourite solo artist: I don’t knooooooow things D: I’m terrible this way. Really just like...those artists from the Vietnam War era all putting their confusion and determination into music is really resonating right now.

16. Song stuck in my head: Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.

17. Last movie I watched: Star Wars The Last Jedi

18. Last show I watched: Critical Role!

19. When did I create my blog: 2012 cause I followed @mudora here from deviantart for her art / general lovable persona! And secondarily @rosezemlya for her Zelda fic / general lovable persona.

20. What do I post/reblog: Original posts: pretty rare, mostly personal stuff. Reblog: Dungeons jokes, political and social stuff, Critical Role, D&D, random fandoms as they catch my interest, queer issues

21. Last thing I googled: “arcane trickster spells” lol Dungeons is lyyyfe

22. Other blogs: I mean...there’s the dead one from 7 years ago...and the new one with only a single entry

23. Do I get asks: not really?

24. Why did I choose my URL: cause when I started my deviantart I never drew, and wished I would. And as I move on

25. Following: 144

26. Followers: 310

27. Lucky number: 14

28. Favourite instruments: Harp, piano, violin and viola.

29. What am I wearing: Black jeans, pink and grey plaid flannel shirt!

30. Favourite food: steak and shrimp mmmm. Loaded baked potatoes. Crab legs, oysters - that’s when I’m craving something heavy, or going out as a special occasion. Green beans. Asparagus.  

31. Nationality: U.S.

32. Favorite song: you make this hard on me. Probably this amazing arrangement of “Be Still My Soul” I sang with a fantastic choir/orch soon after my mom died. The recording is not yet out but this facebook video shows a clip of it when they were recording part of the final section: https://www.facebook.com/millennialchoirsorch/videos/1421457484609157/ . Doesn’t even begin to show how incredible the arrangement is but, you can kinda feel it.

Also Run To You by Pentatonix.

33. Last book I read: Honestly I’ve mostly been perusing Dungeons manuals lately - Princes of the Apocalypse is what I’m running. But as far as like...books? I think it was Perks of Being a Wallflower.

34. Top three fictional universes I’d like to join: Middle Earth, Forgotten Realms, Tal’Dorei. The second two definitely inherited a lot from Middle Earth...but I feel like they have more room for diversity, queerness, and women as powerful and independent adventurers. And more modern styles of humor and sarcasm, lol. But Tolkien runs deep with me. 

[ladystylestores]

In Post-COVID-19 China, Virtual Beauty Is Bigger Than Ever – WWD

https://ift.tt/2ITXrdc

SHANGHAI — The foot traffic at Parkson was middling at best. Although the well-known department store on Huaihai Road no longer had that eerie ghost town feeling that had settled upon the entire city in February when COVID-19 was at its peak in China, it could not exactly be described as lively either.

So when I paused in front of the Shiseido counter, I had the full attention of beauty adviser Mei, who had on an orange peachy lip shade and upwardly brushed brows. With the high summer heat, she suggested I look into some brightening products for my freckles and consider the Synchro Skin foundation to beat the humidity and what seemed like the constant downpour during Shanghai’s plum rain season.

Nothing out of the usual for a beauty shopping trip, but after I agreed on the right shade of Synchro Skin and purchased it with a scan of my Alipay QR code, she also asked to add me into a WeChat group. The group had 170 other people who had also purchased a product from the Japanese brand, and over the next few days, instead of what usually would have been a one-off interaction, Mei’s cheerful and cute messages continued to appear on my phone, interspersed among my other group chats with friends sharing memes or making plans to meet up for dinner.

In Mei’s group, first, there was a special birthday promotion for people born in July, then I saw a post featuring an up-and-coming Chinese model wearing a Shiseido lipstick at an event. Later, I saw that the concession was trying to clear a bunch of products that were going to expire in a year, as opposed to three years. Incense, my favorite shade of Shiseido gel lipstick which usually retails for 240 renminbi, was on sale for unbelievable 36 renminbi. I bought it and three others from the clearance. Mei also cross-promoted her account on TikTok, where she posted beauty look inspiration.

Even as general retail hemorrhaged under COVID-19, beauty has been remarkably resilient, buoyed by digital tools and ways of online selling. Beauty, for a confluence of factors, seems to be the perfect category to thrive in the current environment.

A July report from Ruder Finn and Consumer Search Group found that average beauty spending in the next 12 months in China is estimated to slightly increase to 11,355 renminbi per person–of which 44.3 percent of which on makeup products, 38 percent on skin care and 17.7 percent on fragrances. Lip products are projected to grow 21 percent in sales volume in the next year.

Traditionally, cosmetics has been one of the last hold outs to full online commerce, namely due to the nature of the product. Compared to accessories and apparel, slight shifts in undertone of a makeup product could mean the difference between a shopper loving and hating an item, and in skincare, texture and consistency are also paramount. So online beauty sales tended to be repeat purchases or the result of first the consumer browsing in an off-line store, but not so any longer in China.

For example, in March at the height of COVID-19, Pinduoduo saw sales of beauty products increase 163 percent compared with the same period last year, of which eye shadow gained 244 percent and lipsticks gained 274 percent. On TikTok, beauty video content has increased by 228 percent year-over-year in 2019, faster than the average TikTok growth of 192 percent.

Just how are brands achieving this pivot to online?

Jenny Chen, cofounder of the agency Walk the Chat, said the overall direction brands has not shifted so much, rather that the pace of change has accelerated. “COVID-19 just reinforced their strategy of focusing digitally,” Chen said. 

“What changed is distribution: department store associates are moving online and becoming online livestreaming sellers. This is a big shift, but is something they have to adapt to because they are getting no traffic off-line. At least in China, the beauty brands who are fast-growing have always placed digital marketing as a top priority — brands like Home Facial Pro and Perfect Diary, some of which rank ahead of the largest international brands like L’Oréal Paris.”

“They have to be the next Austin [Li],” said Wen Zhang, founder of digital agency The Breakfast Press, referring to arguably China’s biggest livestreamer whose name is synonymous with lipstick. “That’s not the beauty adviser in the past. They have to learn how to do livestreams, too, and stand at the counter. What it does is it turns them into KOCs [key opinion consumers].”

Li, in fact, started out his career as a beauty counter consultant for L’Oréal in Nanchang, a second-tier city in China before making it big online.

Chen added that this requires a different kind of sales training. “When you do livestreaming you have to engage the users to like you, to click on the star button or the heart button so that the algorithm picks up that something is trending. They have to learn new techniques of selling. It’s very hard to predict who is going to be popular, it’s all algorithm based. The point is to make many staff try and maybe one of them could get a large following.”

Meanwhile, business accounts on WeChat Work, like the one Mei used to add me to her group, originally developed as an office communication tool similar to Slack, and have evolved to greatly expanded capabilities to manage CRM.

Xiaolei Gu, the director of innovation at FaberNovel, said that using these digital tools the consumer can be analyzed and targeted in a much more nuanced and efficient way than before. 

“They note down my name, location, maybe that I’m tall, have long hair, with sensitive skin. It’s all very targeted,” Gu said. “Even if my friend and I walk into the same store at the same time, if we are served by two beauty advisers, we might be in two different groups. There’s a whole infrastructure at the backend to monitor the group activity.

“Also in China, e-commerce is so pervasive,” Gu continued. “In the West, you don’t have a way you can close the transaction loop. Here, you can close the whole transaction loop from WeChat directly by going to a mini program. That really is creating business value.”

In particular, livestream uniquely fills what had been the last remaining gap to purchase beauty. For instance, if a livestream is promoting an eye shadow shade, it will broadcast under a variety of light settings to help shoppers decide. Audiences can interact with the KOL hosting the broadcast to ask them how the product will fare when exposed to sweat or humidity or to any unique concerns.

Price point also plays a huge factor in its popularity, as even luxury beauty stays within a relatively affordable range — domestic brands products often cost less than 100 rmb, making it an easy impulsive buy. Combined with generous return policies and free shipping, complimentary or very cheap samples to purchase, and a favorite influencers’s recommendation, the consumer is game.

“How can something that is so off-line truly just move online?” Zhang said. “My perspective is one of the biggest reasons China can is not just because they have digital platforms but culturally, they can accept it, too.”

Jerry Liu, the head of China Internet at UBS, attributes this digital aptitude to the unique evolution of the consumer in China, which is vastly differed to the western consumer journey.

“The off-line infrastructure was not as developed to begin with so consumers and merchants have needed the online platforms more,” Liu said. “Secondarily, the domestic brands were not as well developed, so it was a learning process [to use the Internet in order to reach brands] and they grew up with Taobao. China did not have these giant malls like in the U.S. in the prior decades [first]. China leapfrogged and went from not having great off-line to having great online.”

The bank predicts that Chinese e-commerce GMV will reach 7.8 trillion renminbi in 2022, representing 33.2 percent online penetration versus 28.1 percent previously, a trend accelerated by COVID-19. Livestreaming is expected to see a 71 percent CAGR until 2022, and 41.5 percent CAGR for social e-commerce, reaching 12.2 percent and 21 percent of total e-commerce GMV in 2022.

Beauty also, as it turns out, has a natural entertainment potential to it. Yvonne Ching, founder of the makeup brand Heir and an influencer who recently hosted livestreams for Burberry and Louis Vuitton, said working with cosmetics is a much easier project compared to apparel. “With a single makeup palette, you can quite easily create an hour’s worth of content and do tutorials,” she said. “If you are wearing a dress or talking about a bag, however, it’s much harder to interact with the product for that amount of time.”

Among the major livestreaming platforms, Taobao Live is the market leader, followed by Kuaishou and TikTok. Meanwhile, WeChat is improving features for retailers and brands, and Little Red Book, or Xiaohongshu, just announced at the start of this month that it would reduce its platform commission from around 20 percent to as low as 5 percent, in order to be more competitive for merchants. In the past, users tended to rely on Xiaohongshu pre-purchase but would often leave the ecosystem and then transact on Tmall or WeChat mini programs.

Walk the Chat’s Chen enumerated the different platforms. “Bilibili is very different it’s more of a video platform where you can watch a 20-minute video to learn about a certain style of makeup,” she said. “There’s a community where you can discuss how to use each in the comments section. For TikTok, beauty it’s easier for the average user to get into it because it’s very short and it makes cosmetics look easy versus if you are, say, a professional beauty artist. They are on Bilibili, which allows them to get into more in depth and have discussions.” 

Zhang agreed, noting that different platforms appeal to distinct demographics and geographical regions. “With COVID-19, beauty KOLs have moved seriously to TikTok because it’s just really relatable. People want to relate to the KOL and feel like this is somebody that could be that be my friend,” Zhang said. “It’s different to WeChat and Xiaohongshu, which are not that city defined. You have all walks of people, the dialects, the way they talk, what they eat, it’s more personal but it also means for luxury brands on TikTok, it’s going to be difficult. It’s a big gap actually.”

“Bilibili is a little bit like YouTube — you have a lot of vloggers, a lot of young people and students so brands like Brandy Melville or H&M who want to reach to students at university,” Zhang continued. “It’s the young crowd, people who like anime, people who cosplay.”

While Chinese consumers have been free to venture out to shops for months now with COVID-19 under control, these new online behaviors are sticky and the demand for livestreaming seems here to stay, Liu of UBS believes.

“It could be a good way to introduce new products [for luxury brands] because the livestream and KOLs can educate consumers,” he said. “Will brands want to move product that way more and more for everything they have? Probably not. But for some products and new launches, it might work.”

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from World Wide News https://ift.tt/3gxxTEg

[live4thelord-blog1]

Biblical Basics about Mother Mary – A Homily for the Second Sunday of the Year

Msgr. Charles Pope •

In this Sunday’s Gospel passage of the wedding feast at Cana, there is a theological portrait of both Mother Mary and prayer. Let’s look at the Gospel along five lines:

I. The place that Mary has – The text says, There was a wedding at Cana in Galilee and the mother of Jesus was there. Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding.

A fascinating thing about these opening verses is that Mary almost seems to dominate the scene; the presence of Jesus is mentioned only secondarily. St. Thomas Aquinas notes that at Cana, Mary acts as the “go-between” in arranging a mystical marriage (Commentary on John, 98; and 2, 1, n.336, 338, and 343, 151-152). Once the marriage is arranged, she steps back; her final words to are these: “Do whatever he tells you.”

How many of us has Mary helped to find her Son and to find our place at the wedding feast of the Lamb? I know that it was Mary who drew me back to her Son when I had strayed.

II. The prayer that Mary makes – The text says, When the wine ran short, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.”

Notice another central role that Mary has: intercessor. She is praying to her Son for others. There are three qualities to her prayer:

Discernment – Mary notices the problem, probably even before the groom and bride do. Indeed, mothers often notice the needs of their children before they do. Why didn’t Jesus notice? Surely, as God, He knew, but He waits for us to ask. Yes, God waits for us; He expects us to ask Him. In part this is respect; not all of us are ready to receive all His gifts. This expectation that we ask is also rooted in God’s teaching that we must learn to depend on Him and to take our many needs to Him. The Book of James says, You have not because you ask not (James 4:2).

Diligence – Simply put, Mary prays. Rather than merely fretting and being anxious, she goes directly to her Son out of love for the couple (us) and trust in her Son. She sees the need and gets right to the work of praying, of beseeching her Son.

Deference – Mary does not tell Jesus what to do, she simply points out the need: “They have no wine.” Mary is not directive, as if to say, “Here is my solution for this problem. Follow my plans exactly. Just sign here at the bottom of my plan for action.” Rather, she simply observes the problem and places it before her Son in confidence. He knows what to do and will decide the best way to handle things.

In this way Mary, models prayer for us. What wine are you lacking now? What wine do your children and grandchildren lack? Do you notice your needs and the needs of others and consistently pray? Or must things get critical for you to notice or pray? When you pray, do you go to the Lord with trust or with your own agenda?

So, Scripture teaches that Mary is the quintessential woman of prayer, a paragon of prayer. Not only does she intercede for us, she teaches us how to pray.

III. The portrait of Mary – The text says, Woman, how does this concern of yours affect me? My hour has not yet come. His mother said to the servers, “Do whatever he tells you.” Notice three things about this brief dialogue:

The title of Mary – Jesus calls her “woman.” In Jewish culture this was a respectful way for a man to address a woman, but it was unheard of for a son to address his mother in this fashion.

Hence, this text stands out as unusual and signals that Jesus is speaking at a deeper level. In the Johannine texts, Jesus always calls his Mother, “Woman.” This is in fulfillment of Genesis 3:15, which says, I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; he shall crush your head, while you strike at his heel. Thus, Jesus is saying that Mary is this woman who was prophesied.

Far from being disrespectful to Mary, Jesus is exalting her by saying that she is the woman who was prophesied; she is the woman from whose “seed” comes forth the Son destined to destroy the power of Satan.

In this sense Mary is also the new Eve. Jesus also calls her “Woman” at the foot of the cross; He is the new Adam while Mary is the new Eve, and the tree is the cross. Thus, just as humans got into trouble by a man, a woman, and a tree, so now we get out of trouble through the same path. Adam’s no is reversed by Jesus, who saves us by his yes. Eve’s no is reversed by Mary’s yes.

The tenacity of Mary – In Greek, Jesus’ words to his mother are these: τί ἐμοὶ καὶ σοί, γύναι – ti emoi kai soi, gunai (What to me and to thee, Woman?). When this phrase appears elsewhere in the Scriptures (e.g., Gen 23:15; 1 Kings 19:20) it usually indicates tension between the interlocutors. On the surface, it would seem that Jesus is resisting his mother’s attempt to involve him in this matter. What makes this interpretation odd, though, is that Mary doesn’t appear to interpret Jesus’ response as resistance.

Perhaps there was something in the tone of voice that Jesus used, or perhaps there was a look between them that resolved the tension and evoked Jesus’ sympathy for the situation. Whatever the case, Mary stays in the conversation with Jesus and overcomes whatever tension or resistance existed. In this we surely see her tenacity.

We can see Mary’s tenacity at other times: Though startled by the presence of the angel Gabriel, she engaged him in a respectful but pointed conversation in which she sought greater detail. Mary also hastened to visit her cousin Elizabeth, and in the dialogue that followed she proclaimed a Magnificat that was anything but a shy and retiring prayer. She joyfully acknowledged the Lord’s power in her life and all but proclaimed a revolutionary new world order.

To be tenacious means to hold fast despite obstacles or discouragements. However we interpret Jesus’ initial resistance to Mary’s concern, it is clear that she does not give up; she expects the Lord to answer her favorably. This is made clear by her confident departure from the conversation, when she turns to the stewards with this instruction: “Do whatever he tells you.”

The trust of Mary – She simply departs, telling the stewards, “Do whatever he tells you.” She does not hover. She does not come back and check on the progress of things. She does not try to control or manipulate the outcome. She simply departs and leaves it all to Jesus.

IV. The power of Mary’s prayer – Whatever his initial concerns regarding Mary’s request, Jesus goes to work. Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washings, each holding twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus told them, “Fill the jars with water.” So they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Draw some out now and take it to the headwaiter.” So they took it. And when the headwaiter tasted the water that had become wine, without knowing where it came from—although the servers who had drawn the water knew—the headwaiter called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves good wine first, and then when people have drunk freely, an inferior one; but you have kept the good wine until now.”

If we do the math, we can estimate that Jesus produced almost 150 gallons of the best wine. Mary’s prayer and tenacity produced abundant results.

Sometimes the Lord tells us to wait so that He can grant further abundance. Scripture says, But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint (Isaiah 40:31).

The Catholic tradition of turning to Mary and regarding her as a special intercessor with particular power is rooted in this passage. Mary is not merely an intercessor for us, though; she is also a model. Following her example, we should persevere in prayer and go to the Lord with confident expectation of His abundant response. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much (James 5:16).

V. The product of Mary’s prayer – The text says, Jesus did this as the beginning of his signs at Cana in Galilee and so revealed his glory and his disciples began to believe in him.

At the conclusion of this Gospel is the significant result that many began to believe in the Lord as a result of this miracle. This is Mary’s essential role with reference to Jesus, that she should lead many souls to a deeper union with her Son. Having done so, she leaves us with this instruction: “Do whatever he tells you.”

Mary’s role is to hold up Christ for us to see, as she did at Bethlehem for the shepherds (and later the Wise Men) and for Simeon and Anna at the Temple. Her role is to point to His glory as she does here at Cana. Ultimately, Mary’s role is to hold Jesus’ body in her arms at the foot of the cross after He is taken down.

As a mother, Mary has a special role in the beginnings of our faith, in the infancy and childhood of our faith. The text says that many “began to believe.” In Greek grammar, this phrase is an example of an inceptive aorist, often used to stress the beginning of an action or the entrance into a state. Thus, Mary has a special role in helping to initiate our faith, in helping (by God’s grace) to birth Christ in us. As St. Thomas Aquinas says, she is the “go-between,” the great matchmaker in the mystical marriage of Christ and the soul. Having done that, her final words are these: “Do whatever he tells you.” And while she may draw back a bit, she continues to pray for us.

Here, then, are some biblical basics about Mother Mary, gleaned from this Gospel passage of the wedding feast at Cana.

[gymnasticcrazy-blog]

16M and I need some advice on a routine https://ift.tt/2E7N1rX

The reason I’m making this post is because I’m starting to become self-conscious about my weight for the first time in my life, and I want advice on a routine I can follow that will allow me to primarily lose weight, feel and look better. Secondarily I’d like to (if possible) add some muscle to compliment a leaner body.

I played organized football for 10 years, but I gave it up last year. Wasn’t something I was interested in pursuing further. Now, I’m definitely becoming overweight and starting to grow man boobs, and I lost my abs. I’m a 16 year old male, 6’2, 200 pounds. As stupid as it may sound, I wear a jacket at all time at school just so nobody will catch a glimpse of these boobies showing under a shirt. It’s not really noticeable, and in the mirror they don’t look that bad, but I wouldn’t take my shirt off in front of other people. I refuse to go swimming now, even though I love swimming. I’m not going to sit around and watch myself become an overweight, sad teenager who feels bad for himself just because I’m out of shape and was lazy, so I just want some advice on a routine. I read the 5-3-1 and it was definitely seemed it was geared towards gaining muscle mass, so I don’t think I want to follow that.

I have a YMCA membership, and the Y is 5 minutes from my house. It has a fully equipped gym, and basketball courts which I play on a couple times a week. I’m familiar with all the popular workouts and correct form from team sports, but I’m lacking structure now that I don’t play sports. at this point I’m truly down to try anything cause I’m not used to being overweight and I do not plan on getting used to being overweight any time soon. Any replies are greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I forgot to add that although I’m not in total control of my diet I do eat decently now as is. I only drink water throughout the day, and 20 ounces of coffee before school (albeit with probably 6 ounces of hazelnut creamer which I don’t think I wanna give up). I do not have total financial freedom, but if I ask my mom to buy healthy stuff she will. I was planning on stuff like greek yogurt, rice, apples, bananas, berries, and oatmeal. I eat beef, pork, salmon or chicken with virtually every meal. On nights my family eats fast food I’ll simply have healthier options.

submitted by /u/Konservat [link] [comments] December 07, 2018 at 11:08AM

[booksbroadwaybbc]

ADHD is robbing me of my quality of life and I don't have the willpower to change it, any advice is greatly appreciated via /r/selfimprovement

ADHD is robbing me of my quality of life and I don't have the willpower to change it, any advice is greatly appreciated

LONG POST WARNING, the tl;dr is the first paragraph, followed with some specific questions, followed by venting/ranting/context/background info below the line for anyone who might find it relevant as to my situation.

Summary - Hi everybody, I'm 18 years old and I need to change my life around. I am painfully lazy due to mental illness (diagnosed with major depression, a couple anxiety disorders, and ADHD), but overwhelmingly because of ADHD. My conundrum is that ADHD robs me of my willpower and self-discipline, but all the solutions I could implement require a starting amount.

Here are my questions (all advice is appreciated :) but I'm especially looking for ADHD-friendly advice or from people who have experience with managing severe ADHD):

Has anyone else struggled with really severe ADHD and overcome it? If so, how?

I'm trying to fix my perfectionistic attitude, and given that I'm a person who can't even brush my teeth every day consistently, what's a reasonable amount of things I should expect myself to get done in a day so I don't disappoint myself by expecting too much?

How can I beat phone and video game addiction when my social life is basically dependent on them and existing in the modern world requires them (definitely moreso the phone than the video games, but I only play video games on a computer and I need a computer to function too)? Also, besides quitting entirely, what's a good balance of phone/computer in my life to prevent myself from getting sucked in?

I don't want to join a gym (yet, don't want to spend any money until I know I won't be wasting it), so what's a good exercise routine I can do at home? I'm male and very naturally muscular but about 20 pounds overweight. I have access to a pool, plenty of space to run/jog/walk, skateboards, and I'm willing to buy simple stuff like dumbbells.

As a follow up to the previous question, what's a good and easy way to plan meals for the week, and what easy-to-make recipes would you recommend?

In learning guitar, what's a good way to learn on my own, and given my low-functioning nature, how long should I practice a day and how many days a week? Any guitarists with ADHD with any advice? I want to learn to play primarily metal music if that's relevant.

In learning art, what's a good simple regiment that I can use to help me draw more realistically, primarily human beings, secondarily landscapes. Like the above question, how long and how many days a week is reasonable?

In learning programming, what is the best way for someone to teach themselves. Interest primarily in video game development/modding (boring I know, and ironic I know)

Any other good advice for staying organized as a person with ADHD, an example of a good daily routine for a person with ADHD, etc. Any ADHD related advice.

My brain is wired to prioritize short-term stimulation over the long-term, and to always seek the path of least resistance. As a result, I feel the overwhelming urge to lie down and do nothing almost all day, and if I'm not doing that I'm playing video games or looking at my phone, both of which I feel I am addicted to. Not only does my ADHD grace me with an excessive tendency towards unproductivity, but complements it with an actual aversion to any sort of work.

This aversion is kind of like the "fear you can't resist" concept in 1984, or when you've spent too much time underwater and your reptile brain takes over and forces you to surface. Similarly, when I even think of doing any work my heart-rate increases, I start to get panicky, and my reptile brain usually takes over and forces me to lay down or distract myself with something unproductive before I even start working. On the occasion I manage to fight through the urges and start working, I inevitably realize that of course the work wasn't as bad as I anticipated so the primal fear subsides, yet in its place I feel an almost overwhelming feeling of tiredness and an urge to lay down or do something else, accompanied by "whispering" from my reptile brain telling me that I should "just take a break" or I can just "do it later", and that I should look at my phone or play video games instead. This negative self-talk happens constantly and voids any sense of accomplishment I might get from the things I DO manage to do.

As you might have guessed, I'm a huge procrastinator as well and as a rule I wait til the last minute to do anything since pressure and extreme amounts of stress are some of the only things that can motivate me. ADHD robs me of my intrinsic motivation so external motivation is the only thing that gets me going, and by external motivation I mean near instantaneous rewards/consequences for my actions (hence the appeal of video games and my phone over most other activities). This makes it near impossible for me to work on any of the skills I wish to learn with any consistency. With guitar for example, I tried setting the (I think) reasonable goal of practicing for 15 minutes every day. But that's work, and not only that, but work without any immediate payoff, so I was doomed to fail from the start. I managed to practice 2 days in a row, then lacked the willpower to even touch the guitar from then on. This is not just an isolated example, because every time I get a surge of "motivation" to improve my life, I make a plan that I feel good about, but can't maintain for more than 1-3 days. I even tried setting the goal of at least touching the guitar every day to create some consistency, but like every other attempt I made to learn the guitar over the past 2.5 years, I ended up staring at the guitar resentfully by the second or third day, knowing I wasn't going to be able to muster up the willpower to walk across the room and pick it up. This is true for every other hobby or skill or habit I've tried to develop.

For me, ADHD is like being a slave to whatever fleeting passion or urge my reptile brain comes up with, and the passions and urges are invariably for things that are bad for me, fill my need for instant gratification, are high-stimulus, and aren't conducive towards building a future for myself.

I know it's bad practice to view mental illness as "your reasonable mind vs. your disobedient body" thing, but that's what it feels like. Many times I feel paralyzed and not in control, like in the guitar example above or when I have an important school assignment coming up; I'll know what I need to do, I'll know how to do it, I'll know that it's important or necessary that I do it, and I may even want to do it, but if it doesn't give me immediate stimulation I'll continue to sit or lay down because my legs won't move when I tell them to, and my arms refuse to push me up. Other times the opposite is the case where my reptile brain forces my body to do something (unproductive) and no amount of dissuading from the reasonable part of my brain can stop me, like I'm on autopilot or someone else is in control of my body.

Of course, I realize there's not really a mind-body duality thing going on and I know that the distinction I'm making between the irresponsible-and-impulse-driven "reptile brain" and the responsible "human brain" is arbitrary and there's no separate "reptile brain" at all, but it's a good way of describing how I feel.

I can't help but feel like this is all out of my control and there's nothing I can do to improve myself. ADHD is a persistent and all-encompassing neurodevelopmental disorder that I'm never going to outgrow, and it's not something that can be cured or go into remission. As Dr. Russell Barkley put it, ADHD is the diabetes of psychiatry. I'm going to have to live with it my entire life, and the only way to manage it is to adjust my entire lifestyle to accommodate the disorder, and make sure that I'm treating it every day to minimize secondary harm, but the condition itself is never going to get milder. I believe this means that I'm going to have to live with my shitty short-term memory, distractibility, low impulse control, short attention span, and intrinsic lack of intrinsic motivation, and there's no hope they'll go away with time. The only thing I can really do is find a good plan and hope that it compensates for my deficits.

Here's the conundrum: I KNOW every strategy and plan for treating ADHD. I've been diagnosed and in therapy since I was 7, and I'm 18 now. I know that the strategies work, and I know how to implement them. But the implementation require a modicum of willpower, self-discipline, and consistency to begin with, and I feel like I lack all of them entirely. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up with a positive attitude and made a to-do list with some productive and necessary stuff, not too excessive, definitely not overloading myself, but I always get about halfway through the list before I feel an overwhelming tiredness and dick around the rest of my day while feeling terrible that I couldn't finish a simple list of tasks.

What makes my struggle with ADHD so painful is my ambition that contrasts it. I was a "gifted" child, so like every other "gifted" child I was saddled with my parents' high expectations from a young age and my status as a "gifted" individual basically became my self-worth, and then, having experienced the real world, I realized that I wasn't special or necessarily destined for greatness. So much of my self-worth is dependent on EXTREMELY lofty goals, like being the next Leonardo da Vinci, master of everything he tried. I want to be a better artist, I want to learn how to play the guitar, I want to eat healthier and be able to cook, I want to be fit and to regularly exercise. I want to read more and beat my phone/video game addiction. I want to learn how to program and learn foreign languages. I realized that I was expecting too much of myself and tried concerning myself with just guitar, but as you can read above, it didn't really work. Expectations aside, I do truly feel like I am intelligent in a way nobody else I know is (pls no r / iamverysmart) and I'm so worried that I'm going to squander the one gift I have by doing nothing with my life and just scraping by.

Perhaps I'm being pessimistic and perhaps some of you might think my words are a self-fulfilling prophecy, and perhaps you are correct. But I've been diagnosed for 11 years and struggling for all of them and I've found zero success being able to stick to anything, and not for lack of trying, so I think I'm somewhat justified in my fatalism.

Submitted June 03, 2018 at 04:44AM by TheGreatCornlord via reddit https://ift.tt/2LiXG31

[tgaoe]

Andy’s 2017 Music Report

Favorite Albums, Favorite Songs, and other assorted temporally-specific ramblings.

Preamble

I. Dearth I listened to less music this year than I did last year, partly due to the immense amount of time required to finish my Master’s Degree, and also because I slept better. You may recall from last year’s treatise that I experienced something of a listening renaissance late in the year, turning to music during nights spent sleepless for work-related anxiety. 2017 marked my fourth year in my current job, and the first during which I began to feel confident in my own professional competence. Hence, less anxiety, fewer sleepless nights, less music. So it goes.

II. Duplicity, Disaffection Another reason. Prior to November 21st, I spent an inordinate amount of time listening to a single band, the band that made my #1 record from 2016. They were also my most-listened to band of 2017. I went deep into their back catalogue, full immersion, and I found such joy and pleasure in doing so. The band helped me through a fraught, life-altering personal ordeal. I traveled to see them play and it was cathartic. However, on 11/21 it was revealed that the leader of that band may have betrayed much of what he/they claimed to have stood for as steadfast advocates for kindness, equity, and empathy. The woman or women he hurt are the primary victims, but secondarily his hypocrisy destroyed a community of people who connected strongly with his music. I believe in rehabilitation. But I also doubt I’ll ever be able to listen to this band the same way again, if at all. I share this troubling information because it undoubtedly colors this list. For weeks after the revelation I only listened to songs sung by women, maybe to offset the damage somehow, maybe to avoid connecting with another secretly awful man.

III. Disappointment Last year I wrote extensively about how the absence of releases from legacy acts resulted in my exposure to an unusually large number of new/emerging artists. That trend of exposure continued this year, for unfortunate reasons. Most new releases by old favorites proved little more than pleasant. Though something like 20 albums from 2017 fall into that category, only five or six made my list of favorites, and even some of those did so despite caveats. I suspect this may have to do with the current circumstances of my life more than with the music itself, at least in some cases. For instance, Sleep Well Beast will not appear below, but I am the only National devotee I know who doesn’t love it as much as their previous records. Time will tell, I suppose.

IV. Derelict I devoted significantly less time to this project this year than I did to its previous iterations, probably 20 hours vs. the usual 40-60. I usually track favorites all year and begin writing in October. This year I was much less diligent, not commencing writing until mid-December. It shows, I’m afraid. I did not keep an actual Favorite Songs list, nor did I keep a running record of micro-moments.

Blame the Master’s. Over five months of work my research project ballooned to 18,415 words spanning 118 pages—characteristically about twice as long as it needed to be. It’s a mystery how I mustered the energy to eke out another 6000 words for this thing after all that.

V. Dingus As always, forgive my assumption that readers of this monstrosity possess a certain level of familiarity with prevailing music culture. The writing reads better that way. Also as always, please forgive the preposterous pretense that anyone would want to read this, the bloviations of yet another obsessive 30-something white man desperate for your attention.

My 19 Favorite Albums of 2017

19 favorites because 19 was how many favorites I had.

19 The World’s Best American Band White Reaper Big, stupid, shameless riff rock; a record as fun as its title is ridiculous. The band almost has the chops to live up to it too, blazing through ten hook-dense, hedonistic rockers with fatalistic abandon. No introspection here, folks. The only lesson White Reaper has to impart is, “If you make the girls dance, the boys will dance with ‘em.” Noted, dudes.

18 Cigarettes After Sex Cigarettes After Sex How to Make the Sexiest Music Ever, Apparently

1) Start with early Interpol. 2) Slow it down. 3) Tighten it up. 4) Strip away the fuzz. 5) Replace Paul Banks with Greg Gonzalez, a man whose smoky, sultry voice I mistook for a woman's until just now. 6) Drop the nonsense lyrics in favor of straightforward stories, proclamations, and invitations, all specific and intimate like the first xx record.

The result: a collection of variations on "Fade Into You" sans twang. Almost unfathomably sexy. The sexiest.

17 The Nashville Sound Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit I don’t love this album, but I do love all its songs. The Nashville Sound should have been a solo record with an accompanying full-band live release a few months later. The 400 Unit is so talented, so utterly professional that they can’t help but sound canned, over-produced, in a modern studio. Any old band off the street can be made to sound that way. What makes the Unit special is that this is how they sound live. They sound perfect. Perfection on record isn’t much fun.

Jason Isbell is the best songwriter of his generation. Case in point: Leonard Cohen’s “Chelsea Hotel No. 2,” his best song and a contender for best song by anyone, famously concludes with the couplet, 

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel That's all, I don't think of you that often

Isbell manages to casually convey the same sentiment through implication on Sound’s “Molotov��: 

Another life but I still remember A county fair in steamy September In the Year of the Tiger, nineteen-something

He remembers, but not that well, not the year. He doesn’t think of her that often.

16 Need Your Love Sheer Mag The opening salvo of “Meet Me in the Street” and the sort-of title track tells you everything you need to know about Need Your Love, the surprising segue of anthemic nails-hard rebel rock into heartfelt, slinky soul-funk. Sheer Mag is everything 70s rock, all facets, plain and simple, in timbre, tone, and demeanor, fitted to modern pop structure and sensibility. Massive riffs, throaty hollers, cavernous sonics, never not danceable. The last 40 years never happened.

15 Something to Tell You Haim Four years ago I passionately engaged in a pointless internet debate on the false premise of the superiority of Haim vs. Lorde. Of course this was less about the actual artists than it was the debaters’ desperation for validation of our own tastes and preferences at the expense of others’, which is a stupid thing insecure young white men do for some reason. However, looking back now and comparing the two entities’ work and public personas does reveal fascinating differences in their approaches and cultural placements, especially considering the rollouts and receptions of both artists’ follow-up records. I’ll write more about Lorde later (spoiler), but she crafts songs that achieve timelessness and universality seemingly unintentionally, through trope subversion and highly specific and personal writing. Haim achieves the same through something like the opposite approach.

Every Haim song feels like a glossy new product behind a high-end shop window, displayed uniformly, calculated and designed for maximum value and mass appeal. I’ve said this before, but Haim recordings sound like money, sound expensive. Because they are. Haim recordings are light, airy, sleek, tight, and huge. The lyrics strive for universality by exploring standard romantic emotional states in the most vague, impersonal, situationally unspecific possible manner. We do not know the identity of the “you” in these songs. Hell, we don’t really who the “I” is. We can project whoever we want. These songs are perfect manufactured products. That may read as negative criticism, but it is not. The total orderliness of Haim songs forces order on anarchy. Haim songs make the world simple, make it make sense. Every question has an answer, every problem a solution.

There is an exception that proves the rule here, a more experimental Haim song that towers above the others by subverting those established expectations of order, transcends them to depict in actuality the true messiness of love. That song is “Right Now,” and it is a monster jam, likely the best song Haim has ever written. The structure is confounding, the melodies don’t time out naturally, nothing musically makes sense, is rational, in the same way feelings don’t and aren’t. There is a call-and-response with which it is almost impossible to sing along because the response comes in like half a beat later than every other pop song has trained us to expect. Feedback blares, clicks click, hums hum. “Right Now” is imperfect, and in that it is the most perfect Haim song. It came not from an assembly line, it came from a soul. Or souls. “Right Now” even allows a single reference to an actual specific event, a quiet conversation overheard through a window, which, even though still somewhat vague, gives the song a level of personal meaning to the narrator missing from, you know, every other Haim song. More like this please.

By the way, this short PTA-directed performance film is incredible, and suggests that everything I wrote in that second paragraph may be negated when the band plays live.

14 Graveyard of Good Times Brandon Can’t Dance Brandon Ayers's collection of mom's basement DIY songs plays as much like a friend's great mix cd as it does a solo artist's album, intuitively-sequenced and formally experimental in the sense that the dude seemingly tries any musical idea that occurs to him, and there are so many here: stoned weirdo neo disco, 80s soft rock, wall-of-sound shoegaze, earnest folk, synthy dance rock, 90s industrial and more, all effortless, catchy and united aesthetically by competent use of limited production resources. Ayers's lyrics are always either smart or hilariously, knowingly dumb as he explores a kind of mundanity inherent to a life of low-budget hedonism, as well as how much he loves his dogs, mom, sister, and grandma. Can't go wrong with that.

13 Villains Queens of the Stone Age Josh Homme and Britt Daniel have much in common culturally, both mid-40s men who have spent nearly two decades each as highly unlikely sex symbols, sustaining multi-decade rock careers, stalking stages with maniacal, borderline-predatory confidence. But musically they’ve shared few qualities until now. Villians has airless, precise grooves similar to some Spoon records, but, you know, with that Queens menace and evil. The QoTSA has always been a band about perfect playing, but this time Homme brought in preeminent funk racketeer Mark Ronson to help shape Villains. The result is the shortest, most accessible record the band has ever made. Actually, it is not the shortest—it just feels that way. Villians cooks, showcasing the same old Queens, aggressively showy and prone to extended digressions, but with arrangements more focused, lightweight, and compressed than ever before.

Make sure you stick around for the entire song. Trust me.

12 I Love You Like a Brother Alex Lahey What is happening in Australian that the country keeps producing these witty, confident female punk singer/songwriters? Alex Lahey’s style certainly mines a similar humorous vain to Courtney Barnett, but her approach is more energetic and less erudite. I always feel held at a distance by Barnett’s music; listening to it is almost a purely intellectual exercise. Lahey’s, however, has a casual immediacy that makes me want to smile and laugh and dance.

The title track is both punk as hell and sticky-sweet, a genuine love song from a sister to a brother, insanely catchy and refreshingly sincere. I am no one’s sister, and my brother and I, though we love each other, have never had a connection quite like the one Lahey documents here. Still, I so feel this jam. It follows the album’s opener, “Every Day’s the Weekend,” an actual love song, albeit one about having fallen for a broke, emotionally elusive charmer. “Fuck work, you’re here, every day’s the weekend,” is lyric of such powerful brevity, so effectively conveying the feeling during those times when someone exciting has unexpectedly exploded into your life. The hilarious “Perth Traumatic Stress Disorder,” another gatestormer, follows, and then the album starts to mutate into something more complex and interesting.

I Love You Like a Brother begins as an aggressive punk record, but slowly warps into atmospheric, radio-ready stadium rock. On a couple occasions this may be to its detriment, but as a whole the album serves as a solid testament to Lahey’s versatility as a writer. The lyrics of “Awkward Exchange” are comparatively anonymous to the earlier tracks, but the open sound, dynamic structure, and wordless chants beg for massive festival singalongs. It might happen. It should happen. The two approaches combine on “Lotto in Reverse,” perhaps Lahey’s greatest triumph here, an inward-focused dirge grafted onto a massive, hooky rock song that more than earns its prominent placement on Spotify’s Badass Women playlist.

11 Go Farther in Lightness Gang of Youths Christian music is terrible, almost all of it. Not just because it all still sounds like U2, but because none of it deigns to explore actual life as a flawed human who happens to be Christian. This is so intentionally. The Christian music industry is insidiously Randian; cynical and deplorable. Gang of Youths is fighting back, hard.

Singer/songwriter David Le'aupepe is a vulgar spiritualist, kind of a like an Australian David Bazan or Sufjan Stevens in the way he publicly struggles to reconcile his faith with his human proclivities. His studious lyrics often recall very early Bruce Springsteen, with their expansive vocabulary and wide-ranging cultural literacy. The band met in church (like U2!), yet the man swears with relish and documents his perceived failings as well as his issues with the spirtual institution to which he belongs. Get a load of this, from “Perservere,” which is actually my least favorite song on the album:

But God is full of grace and his faithfulness is vast There is safety in the moments when the shit has hit the fan Not some vindictive motherfucker, nor is he shitty at his job What words to hear, and I’m a mess by now 'Cause nothing tuned me in to my failure as fast As grieving for a friend with more belief than I possessed

Imagine that at Sunday service! If all Christian music was this nuanced and genuinely introspective then, well, Christian music wouldn’t be a ghetto. It would just be more music.

This album is long, almost feature-length, most of its 16 songs stretching beyond five minutes. Fortunately, the wealth of ideas and arrangements sustain the length, if only just barely. Gang of Youths are adventurously egalitarian in their consummate unoriginality, adamantly subscribing to the notion of Ecclesiastes 1:9, content to let Le’aupepe’s compelling narratives give the band identity as their arrangements freely pillage ideas from the most successful indie rock bands of the last decade, mostly those who can now fill arenas; the Killers, the National, Arcade Fire, Bon Iver, LCD Soundsystemm Bloc Party. My favorite songs here pound forward relentlessly like Titus Andronicus. On some songs Le’aupepe’s words tumble out uncontrollably like Gareth Campesinos, on others his voice could be mistaken for Matt Berninger’s low growl.

Also, I’d be remiss to not mention how appealing I find it that there are no white people in this band. It’s rare and refreshing to hear this kind of massive music from a cultural perspective so different then my own.

10 Hot Thoughts Spoon Spoon is a band of consummate constants and variables. The band knows exactly what defines it, what listeners like, and they always deliver while also changing just enough to surprise. Every record, every song, reliably has three particular elements: an airtight hard rhythm groove, simple, catchy, repetitive; a masterful command of pop structure; and Britt Daniel’s enigmatic brand of ultracool, vaguely sexual vocal swagger. The other sounds around those elements, the atmospheres and tones, change with each record. Hot Thoughts delves deeper into the psychedelic G-funk timbres the band played with some on They Want My Soul, as Daniel continues to explore nonthreatening, acceptable ways to express desire. In short, it’s another Spoon record, and it rules.

9 Strangers in the Alps Phoebe Bridgers I keep coming back to lyrics. Lyrics draw me in like nothing else, the more smart, personal, and specific the better. Lyrics don’t come more specific and personal and smart than Phoebe Bridgers’s. She tells vivd stories, recounts memories of events and emotions by conjuring indelible, detailed settings and images with devastating depths of feeling, mostly over quiet, close-miced acoustic guitars underlaid with noninvasive strings and other atmospherics. Prepare to be haunted.

Though she sometimes doesn’t bother and the songs don’t suffer for it, as on the incredible “Smoke Signals,” Bridgers can also write the hell out of a chorus. Try not to get “Motion Sickness” stuck in your mind.

Strangers in the Alps does take a production risk I would understand some finding off-putting. Sometimes sound effects supplement and/or match lyrical events; a plane flying overhead, a boot crunching leaves, the kind of thing. It’s strange at first, but ultimately sets the album apart from others by similarly earnest stool-seated strummers.

8 Near to the Wild Heart of Life - year’s best title Japandroids I’ve seen this band play three times. The third was this year. Those previous had been with friends, and before the shows we drank and goofed around, celebrating our affection for each other and getting just the right level of lit up. This year I took a vacation day from my professional job, drove to St. Louis alone, and waited in line alone while reading a screenplay by one of the guys I used to go to shows with, eventually watching the show alone while nursing a single beer. It wasn’t the same. But it was still good.

Japandroids write what they know. Seven years ago what they knew resulted in a masterpiece, an album more relatable to me at the time than any other. Indeed, Celebration Rock remains my all-time favorite record, its ragged, propulsive riffage and emotional narratives of kinetic nights with close friends still have the power to take me back to that time, when I had more energy and a will to wildness. However, over the long interim between albums, the Japandroids’ lives and mine ceased to resemble each other. My closest friends moved. I have bills and a career and a generally pleasant, stable life—one distinctly not wild. Meanwhile, those dudes are evidently still globetrotting, every night out there swilling top-shelf tequila to nurse the heartache of intercontinental romance, living hard and loving harder. I no longer relate. As a listener I’m an observer now when I was once a participant. However, while I don’t connect with latter day Japandroids experientially, in a way the fact that Wild Heart still plays great for me despite that suggests that Japandroids is a legitimately great band on a musical level, rather than one just great for its ability to bash out messy, meaningful feelings..

These dudes are not shy about their laziness as songwriters, at least in terms of prolificacy. They release music as soon as they’ve reached the requisite minimum quantity of great songs, and it takes them forever to do so. Like the two previous Japandroids records, Wild Heart has only eight tracks, and they cheat even to amass that many. While Celebration Rock included a (totally awesome, raucous, thematically-appropriate) cover song, this time one Wild Heart track is an interlude, barely a song (“I’m Sorry [for Not Finding You Sooner]”), and another is just bad, sounding like a high school garage band trying hard to write a Japandroids song (“Midnight to Morning”). They really shouldn’t have let that one through. But man, the other six songs still kill with the same ferocity as before, some with an increased sense of melody and hook, and they all sound great live and feel great to shout along with, which, let’s be honest, is mainly what this band is for, and has always been for. The shouting just means a little less to me now.

7 Don’t Be a Stranger Nervous Dater Rachel Lightner has the gift, my favorite gift. She expels what she considers her worst qualities, and she does it through great songs; extremely catchy, smart, driving, dynamic punk songs. She does it publicly, with casual confidence. She makes it look easy and, most importantly, normal. Feeling how she feels is not unique. Sharing those feelings legitimizes them, creates a community around them. I mean, look at these lines:

Cause when things get quiet I feel uneasy I need my friends or at least just the sound of the TV To keep these things in my head from screaming “You’re inadequate! You’re a piece of shit! You could run forever but you’d never get away with it! And if people really knew who you were, They’d probably cover up the ground that you walk on with spit!”

If you can’t relate, then I envy you. If you can, and if you like punk, you need this band.

The players behind Lightner are also great, building arrangements that match incidental turns in the lyrics. The lines above are from the title track. Listen for how the song bends and nearly breaks as the narrative does the same, then recovers before almost breaking again. The band follows a formula, each instrument doing a specific job. Drums, bass, and one guitar lock into rhythm, while a lead guitar incessantly plays highly-involved tasto solo hooks. The band rarely veers from its set aesthetic, and when it does, it does so with purpose.

Occasionally a male member of the band will cameo, supplementing Lightner’s self-excoriations with early-2000s emo-screaming in the background. It’s a signifier that, intentionally or not, effectively ties Lightner’s music back to that era, an era that very intentionally excluded and delegitimized women’s voices. As has been proven time and time again in recent years, that was stupid. Women do it better. The contemporary women making emotional, personal punk music are doing it so well that nobody’s come up with a term like “emo” to dismiss it. I love being alive right now.

6 Big Fish Theory Vince Staples For when people ask what kind of music I like, that impossible question almost only asked by those who do not share the obsession, I have developed a stock answer of surprising accuracy. The smartest versions of punk, rap, and country. Country is a fudge, designed to open up a conversation about what “smart” country is. Dorks call it “alt-country.” Anyway. That’s a separate essay. You may have noticed that Big Fish Theory is the first rap record on this list. I am not tapped in to most contemporary rap. The slow, repetitive codeine scene doesn’t do it for me, and rap is more about single songs and premium playlist placement than it is about albums now. The album-focused rappers are dinosaurs. Four fossil-rap acts made solid records this year, and three made my list. Ranking them was difficult, and I am not at all confident in my final assessments. Vince Staples could have ranked highest another day.

Some days I like Big Fish Theory more than DAMN. Vince Staples’ world is less complicated, more concentrated and angry. Some days unnuanced anger is what I want. For fuel. Case in point, compare the two’s thoughts on the President and the country. First, Kendrick, hinting and contemplative:

Homicidal thoughts; Donald Trump's in office We lost Barack and promised to never doubt him again But is America honest, or do we bask in sin?

And Vince:

Tell the President to suck a dick, because we on now Tell the one percent to suck a dick, because we on now Tell the government to suck a dick, because we on now

And, of course, both men appear on “Yeah Right,” every bit as glorious a linguistic whirlwind as could be expected.

Also, I don’t know another rapper more musically experimental, forward-thinking, and adventurous than Vince Staples, including Kendrick. Vince is admirably without ego here (humble!); often letting the music overtake his voice, having faith in listeners to look up his words if they so desire. Much of Big Fish Theory is essentially modernized Chicago house with rapping, while also proudly West Coast. And it bangs, hard.

5 Melodrama Lorde This one took time. It took reading younger people’s perspectives to appreciate, grow to love. The first listen felt cold, staid. Pure Herione had been an instant rush, a loud announcement of a new, exciting pop personality, fully steeped in enthusiastically appropriated pop tropes of the time and letting Ella Yelich-O'Connor’s novel personality shine atop it all. Melodrama is different. She doesn’t shine, she seethes and writhes. She’s growing up in front of us, with surprising, precocious wisdom and emotional maturity.

There is nothing particularly contemporary about the sound of Melodrama. It’s less jokey, more earnest than Pure Heroine. And ultimately, despite that it does not provide the same sugary pleasure rush of its predecessor, Melodrama is far superior. It doesn’t sound like a time period, it sounds like first love and first heartbreak, because it is the manifestation of those. It sounds timeless, orchestral without an orchestra, because it is those things.

One track is a notable exception to the timelessness, and that makes it almost impossibly special. I will elucidate later in the Favorite Songs section.

4 DAMN. Kendrick Lamar Has there ever been an artist so deft at balancing/blending pure creative expression with commercialism? Until DAMN., Kendrick had achieved that balance through compartmentalization, by creating knotty, esoteric records, masterpieces, while also featuring on the most crass chart-bait singles imaginable. Another case in point: Kendrick made “For Free?” and appeared on the “Shake it Off” remix the same year. DAMN. inextricably fuses the two compartments without compromise. Almost every second of the album is both at once. Every song has earworm hooks and brain-breaking lyrical density. The record is jammed with potential singles, yet still works as a whole… even when listening to the tracks in reverse order. All hail. DAMN. is unquestionably the best album of the year, but even so, and even though I flew 1500 miles to see him play it live his hometown… it is not my favorite this year. DAMN. somehow isn’t even my favorite rap record, a late-breaking change-of-heart that took me by surprise.

3 RTJ3 Run the Jewels It’s too long. Let’s get that out of the way. But it’s all essential. For months I said that cutting “Hey Kids” and “Thieves!” would have made a better record. I was wrong. “Hey Kids” is the weakest track, for sure, but Killer Mike’s verse is straight up canonical, despite the relative frivolity of El-P’s bars and the idiocy of Danny Brown’s feature. “Thieves!,” on the other hand, after some close-listening and Genius deep-diving, is one of RTJ3’s best tracks, a massively ambitious dystopian sci-fi narrative that subtly riffs on Hamlet. Part of that ambition is manifested in a structure quite different from the straightforward presentations we’re used to from these guys; listening without the proper context doesn’t provide the furious pleasure typically associated with Run the Jewels.

Killer Mike & El-P were in an unenviable position prior to releasing this album. RTJ1 surprised everyone, even its makers; a no-stakes lark that happened to be much better and more special than that due simply to the sheer volume of talent involved. Expectations for RTJ2 had been high as a result, and they were exceeded as the band chose to treat the project with seriousness and gravity, leveraging their newfound fame and cultural relevance/reverence for conscientious advocacy. The result, RTJ2, is an unimpeachable classic, one I will listen to for the rest of my life. How could they top it, or even match it, without repeating themselves? By ratcheting up the ambition even further, and with it the risk.

Run the Jewels had been many things on their first two records; angry, funny, aggressive, stoned. Introspective was rarely one of those things. On RTJ3, the duo turn their focus inward, exploring feelings, emotions, and motivations as they apply to the external world in a manner they had never done previously. They also continue to make hilarious dick jokes.

The first and last four tracks are the best work they’ve ever done, the bookends especially. I didn’t appreciate just how great “Down” is until seeing the group close a couple live sets with it. The friends with whom I saw those shows and I were confused by that choice, but it caused us, or me at least, to listen to the song differently, to consider it as the type of song to close a set. Turns out, the choice was a great one. This band has become a band about hope manifested as anger and action, and no track conveys that notion better than “Down,” no RTJ album does it better than their third.

2 Turn Out the Lights Julien Baker Julien Baker creates stadium soundscapes using only a clean electric guitar and/or piano filtered through looping pedals. Many artists try this and fail. Especially in a live setting, it’s a cynical trick often deployed to impress perceived plebes, as I’ve seen Ed Sheerhan and, sadly, Elvis Costello, do in person. But for Julien Baker it is not a trick. It is seamless, unnoticeable; technical mastery not for its own sake, for impressing an audience, but for empowering expressions of deep feeling.

Turn Out the Lights is so much more than its production and arrangements, however. Baker is one of the most talented living writers, singers, and performers. Her percussion-less, entirely solo arrangements exist only to serve the themes of her songs. She’s one woman, onstage or on record, alone with the power of a full orchestra as she looses her interior on the world, her battles with addiction and depression, her fight to square an existence as a Christian and queer person, and her longing search for love and meaning through it all, the constant quest to hurt less.

1 After the Party The Menzingers If this were a list of “best” rather than “favorite” albums of the year, After the Party would be much lower, possibly not even included. There’s nothing innovative or original happening here, nothing generation-defining, no new ideas or calls to revolution. But there is an endless well of energy, feeling, and hyper-competent rock musicianship. The Menzingers have one of the most able rhythm sections working, serving the songs of two extraordinary writers, who seem incapable of picking up guitars without creating stadium punk hooks as indelibly catchy as they are heavy. This is smart, pure, meat-and-potatoes rock music, the meatiest and starchiest.

Beyond the wholly satisfying drive and force of the band on a primal musical level, these dudes have a real working-class, post-religious Midwestern mentality, despite hailing a little too far east to fully qualify. Many of these songs deal with how to gracefully age and settle while maintaining an uncommon resistance to traditional values. It should come as no surprise how strongly I relate. Earlier I mentioned Japandroids, how their initial records depicted the romance of early-20s debauchery and intense friendship. The true triumph of After the Party is how the The Menzingers manage to write about moving forward, building lives with partners, embracing careers and domesticity while also looking back fondly at bygone wild days without romanticizing them, fully owning that a calmer life is a better one, but allowing that the past was pretty damn fun.

After the Party may not become a timeless classic like other records on this list might, but this year it was the album to which I connected most. It was, and is, mine.

A Few of My Favorite Songs of 2017

8/7 “Truth Hurts”/“Water Me” Lizzo Lizzo should be a huge star. She’s like André 3000 good. She’s my Beyoncé.

Including these songs here is like an honorary Favorite Album spot. I listened to the two singles back-to-back more times than I did most albums this year. Lizzo has talent in excess of her excess of confidence and swagger.

Music journalists could not shut up about the two times Rihanna rapped on record this year, a little on the Kendrick album and on the only good 45 seconds of the N.E.R.D. album. Both instances earned effusive and universal praise. It bothers me that Lizzo doesn’t get that type of attention. She raps, sings, and writes far better than Rihanna, better than most pop stars working, really, and she often does it all in the same song, the same line.

“Truth Hurts” is a total kiss-off rap banger, insidiously catchy as it deconstructs and rebuilds the chorus of “Black Beatles” into something much better and exponentially more driving than its lugubrious origin. “Water Me” is an aggressive funk jam that Lizzo goes nuts over, showing off the full range of her voice, trying about a hundred different modulations and weird ideas. They all work, and together form some truly transcendent pop.

Check out her older stuff too, including a couple unlikely collaborations with Sadie Dupois from Speedy Ortiz (!) for my punk friends.

7 “What Can I Do If the Fire Goes Out?” Gang of Youths This isn’t another “Younger Us,” a song that so fully represents a period of my life that the opening chords still sometimes have the power to make me tear up. But it does take me be back to another time, and moves me in a similar way to the Japandroids classic. I haven’t told many people about this, but though I didn’t openly quit the church until a few months after graduating high school, I had struggled to maintain faith for a few years, even while playing in a devoutly evangelical Christian rock band.

“What Can I Do If the Fire Goes Out?” takes me back to a specific morning, a bone-cold, see-your-breath morning, driving to school my sophomore or junior year, listening to the first song from the second Spoken album and weeping at the lyrics’ longing prayer for help and guidance. In hindsight, Spoken made objectively bad music; comically derivative and poorly-structured. Throughout the Gang of Youths album, and especially on “Fire,” similar sentiments are explored and depicted more articulately, with far superior musical acumen. I’ll never believe again, but it’s nice to be made to have those feelings again, to experience unforced sympathy for another’s spiritual struggle.

6 “Right Now” Haim See the last paragraph of the Haim album entry above.

5 “Even” Julien Baker Julien at her most simple, most distilled, uncharacteristically just 4/4 quarter-note strumming an acoustic guitar, showing us that her layered productions would be nothing without the powerful songs beneath them. And what a song, karmic allusions and memories of conflicts.

It's not that I think I'm good I know that I'm evil I guess I was trying to even it out

Yeesh.

4 “Supercut” Lorde That word, and its power. Until recently no expression or single word existed to describe that wistful wash of isolated, curated romantic memories, warm-tinted flashes of the loveliest tiny moments of a lost relationship, ignoring fights and infidelities, only seeing sunshine. The good parts. And knowing its nature, indulging it with caution, recalling fondly and reliving without desire to return or recreate. “Supercut” could not have existed at any other time, on any other album, by any other artist. Lorde took the most modern of language and forged a work of art of crushing emotional truth; timeless, indelible, perfect.

3 “HUMBLE.” Kendrick Lamar I saw Kendrick play his first ever solo headlining arena show in his hometown. When it came time for “HUMBLE.”, the music dropped out after the initial “Hyeuh, hyeuh!,” and Kendrick let the crowd rap the entire song acapella while he just gazed around, observing in awe. The moment was magic.

2 “If We Were Vampires” Jason Isbell I’ll be honest. I don’t know how to write about this one without getting inappropriately personal. It’s been a hard year for me in certain relevant ways, and this incredible song has not helped matters.

1 “God in Chicago” Craig Finn The adjective “cinematic” doesn’t do justice to “God in Chicago,” which, despite lasting a mere four minutes and forty-five seconds, and not being cinema, is one of the best films of the year, a devastating, seedy road trip romance with a tight plot, loveable flawed characters, and an ambiguous ending. Craig Finn fronts my favorite band of over a decade, and yet this is the best thing he’s ever done. Every detail matters, every word and phrase considered and intentional. It’s Craig’s “Chelsea Hotel No 2,” a quiet meditation towering over an oeuvre of louder, more sensational and populist work. I love this man.

Appendices

I. Albums I enjoyed and/or listened to often but did not become favorites for whatever reasons Allison Crutchfield, Tourist in this Town Arcade Fire, Everything Now Big Thief, Capacity Broken Social Scene, Hug of Thunder Bully, Losing Charly Bliss, Guppy Cloud Nothings, Life Without Sound The Dirty Nil, Minimum R&B Drake, More Life Fat Joe/Remy Ma, Plata O Plomo Father John Misty, Pure Comedy Feist, Pleasure Craig Finn, We All Want the Same Things Japanese Breakfast, Soft Sounds from Another Planet Jay-Z, 4:44 Jens Lenkman, Life Will See You Now LCD Soundsystem, American Dream Migos, Culture The National, Sleep Well Beast Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever, The French Press Ryan Adams, Prisoner Sampha, Process Sylvan Esso, What Now Tigers Jaw, spin The War on Drugs, A Deeper Understanding Waxahatchee, Out of the Storm Wolf Parade, Cry Cry Cry Worriers, Survival Pop Yaeji, EP2 Yr Poetry, One Night Alive

II. Albums with which I was simply unable to spend enough time So many. Basically any album on any list covered on this site—the ultimate resource for end-of-year music dorkery--that I didn’t mention in my document I would have at least given a cursory try. That’s my normal process. There just wasn’t time.

III. A vain attempt to string together some final thoughts I’m exhausted, too exhausted to force a cute unified narrative onto my experiences with music this year beyond what I already have. As for the future… I’m excited, in a different way than normal. I don’t know what’s coming out next year. I haven’t done the requisite research. I’m into the idea of just letting it happen, letting New Music Fridays reveal themselves week-to-week.

Haha, just kidding. As soon as I post this I’m jumping in headfirst, making a 2018 Most Anticipated List. Sayonara suckers.