#it's just a weird experience having ppl who's knowledge is basically just 'oh yeah you have a bit of a sister complex right?

[soviet-siscon]

sorry this is where i put my "maybe I'm mean or a bad person but...." interpersonal shit (but to be fair it's my blog so i get to decide what i do with it) but like.... ok so this is a complicated one.

i wouldn't even say it was "before we worked out certain things" or even necessarily before i had started to form as a personality, but before we'd properly internalised everything and were just edging into self realisation we had a few ppl we'd basically talk about fauxcest with (i mean like even my hosts partner vaguely knows about her sister issues™) and we always had a bit of a weird reaction to it.

like in hindsight there's also the being ace but it's funny like.... disliking someone calling me "big sis" or whatever (also why the fuck does everyone want me to be their big sister even when older than them 😭 comptop +++) not because we're not into incest or are pretending not to be BUT because it's literally just pretend play that isn't very appealing and doesn't even slightly hit deep enough into our weird emotional complexes to be satisfying.

how on earth do you explain "can we stop this please? no not because i hate incest but because i think I'm actually into my family and this was just a cope" lol. like what do i do? do i go "hi sorry I don't want to do that anymore i didn't really like it because we're not actually related" lol. the obvious solution is just ignore it and never bring it up and it goes away because we just don't do it anymore. problem solved.

on a deeper level like maybe unsurprisingly my feelings about incest and what I'd actually want from someone are far more heavily involved in emotions and feelings of security and love than sex, but not really in a way that can just be substituted out by calling someone else "mum" (believe me I've tried). it's not the fantasy of "what if i had a mum/brother/sister etc who loved me?" it's "i wish my actual mum/brother etc loved me"

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@uberoll-oystercrackers putting this PT convo on blast just for the sake of switching to this format where u don’t have to break everything up via replies because [comically deep inhale]

honestly like idc idc i guess ppl are just like “uhh mytho’s got nothing going on b/c he has no feelings!!” like Yeah Correct, that’s a premise / inciting factor for this series and everything everyone’s doing lol, it’s only Boring if you don’t think about the character at all lmfao which i guess some ppl don’t, but like, there’s only 4 of them.....it’s Wildly Interesting that he literally has no feelings at first, like, for one thing it’s cool how there’s always the Idea of characters who don’t have emotions or act on them, but this is like the rare “realistic” situation where having no feelings means he needs someone to steer him around and make choices for him (and how Vulnerable that leaves him lmfao like episode 2 is wild but also that ppl just haven’t really realized that they Could just pick mytho up and pitch him into a wall, and fakir and rue are sort of careful neutral alliance keeping tabs on him) and you know, the whole s1 structure of mytho regaining both Capacity For / Experience of An Emotion and his sense of identity and by extent of all this his agency, and how like, Thematic everything surrounding this character is that’s reflected in the overall series like. trying to control someone for your own benefit vs being willing to sacrifice your own interests (and then some...) for their freedom & the Protecting Someone (And/Or Wanting To) As A Love Language that all the characters show for each other at various points & hope vs despair.......and like No Shit he’s dispassionate & passive b/c he can’t Feel Feelings & resultantly can’t make decisions or feel motivations but obviously he’s still Motivating other characters to act on his behalf, & there’s so much mystery & drama already in “yeah this guy you think is just a neat handsome guy is also an actual prince from a story who’s Real & sacrificed his heart in the fight with an evil giant raven monster that eats people & so he can’t feel anything or remember who he is” like damn!!! epic of him even if right now he can’t do much of anything on his own. i’m interested, and then i’m Interested every time in the Drama & Mystery of this person regaining parts of himself and completely rediscovering An Emotional Experience and how that is totally recontextualizing his entire existence for him.....

plus also even though “person literally lost heart via magic and doesn’t know what Feeling Things is” isn’t a We’ve All Been There situation i was like oh and you know it’s not like what mytho’s got going on isn’t potentially Relatable....can get into a side essay about dapressione and trauma and other types of stuff that can make it seem like someone can’t/shouldn’t have full access to their feelings / self / agency &/or it’s Dangerous if they try.....whew

but continuing on YEAH ugh just completely fascinated with mytho the Entire Time actually lol like, i’ve tended to lose steam in early s2 b/c he’s sort of Less involved beyond the [hehe time to cause some trouble in this particular ep] role lol but even so it’s like well it’s kinda fun when at least somebody’s being a bitch who lives for drama lmfaooooo & we get mytho Struggling Internally & sometimes punching through that way but again it’s like yeah oops the guy was basically autonomous but zwoop here’s a problem where that doesn’t mean shit anymore lol b/c he’s got this alternate evil self steering the ship all the time now lol got em.....the Peak of that i guess is where we get to have an epic swordfight between raven!mytho and fakir like you know what fuck yes!!! the intrinsic drama of that lmfao!!!! and then it’s like “oh no :/ loving the drama? that’s just what drosselmeyer wants” except Not b/c actually what makes it totally rule is that it’s this chance for Real Mytho to come through for the sake of protecting fakir (tbt “i wonder what i think of you, fakir”...) and really like that being what prompts fakir’s “you know what, even though before i was afraid my role as a knight would kill Me and i’m afraid my coincidental(?) role as a guy who can Reality Write could kill Anyone Else, i gotta try b/c that’s the only thing i could possibly do here and i want to try protecting everyone else b/c everyone else including mytho is protecting Me” and like augh everyone is so Thoughtful about how to try to help mytho out even as like, they can’t hardly interact with him or undo the situation lol.....as you’re getting into the series finale and everyone’s just outright Voicing things and you get “i/we want to protect mytho” like 32x and it’s beautiful each time ;___; like and well sorry but him & his heart/lack of are also the heart of the whole story here.....

and you know what *i* want to protect mytho, sympathizing with all the characters like fuck yes you’re so right, this guy rules, episode 6 aka The Fear Episode is SO good, like, you’ve gotten kinda used to the episodic format here, ep 5 did sure also make it obvious that things are Building on what’s happening prior here & that there’s stakes and stuff but it’s such a shakeup, like, that maybe just kinda sneakily dipping in and out of the arena giving back a piece of his heart until it’s done with, no problem, Isn’t Gonna Happen, and again, the Drama of it all......that the heart shards are yeah kind of their own People who are these fractions of mytho’s self and the way you interact with them is gonna like, affect things, since tutu didn’t like “resolve” things with that heart shard and just kinda got him on a technicality there lmfao so it’s like, yeah not only does mytho have a more general / abstract cause to be afraid of tutu & her bringing all these Unknowns & completely new things to him / changing things up and apparently introducing conflict, but you’ve gone and gotten his capacity for fear all recently riled up and specifically afraid of his interaction with You from 5 sec ago, and how could anyone know this mysterious magical being giving you Negative Feelings is like, Safe......and i’m sure it’s all compounding here, like, it’s Wild to be suddenly experiencing A Feeling for the (seeming) first time, and that in itself sure could be Scary, he just hasn’t had the proper emotion available with with to Be Afraid, now he’s gotten back a freshly stoked (capacity for) Fear and how off the shits it must be to be afraid for the first time anyways, or to be feeling the other stuff for the first time, and who knows what Unfun Feelings could come next, there’s a lot to freak out about.......and not like it’s trying That hard to never suggest like oh fakir's not that bad even though he’s technically an antagonist at the start b/c of being at odds with / against the protagonist, it’s pretty telling there lol like he’s unhappy with mytho having feelings again at all and has already been getting mad about it but is just being Helpful here and trying to comfort him, like aw that’s neat i think it’s nice, and again throwing it back to “I Wonder What I Think Of You, Fakir” you get fakir reassuring mytho that nobody but him is around, and mytho having this capacity for Fear is choosing to confide in fakir re: what he’s dealing with here (not that this would on it’s own be some guarantee that mytho’s Right to be unafraid of fakir, but, knowing all we eventually know...) like again lol it’s funny that drosselmeyer’s loving the Drama of mytho only having regained Negative Feelings like, i mean i’m soaking it in as well but it’s like, that guy’s all about Angst and it’s like no im here all about the Hurt/Comfort more like, thank you lmfao

it’s also SO good how it’s like, the next episode is turning around & giving the story a way forward not by like, oh let’s just counteract this Fear mytho’s struggling with by returning the....emotion of Courage i guess, but rather by giving him back Curiosity to ultimately lead to him actually seeking a conversation with tutu.......and it’s like AUGH it’s soooo fun that he goes to that river and has a conversation with his own heart shard lmfao like that’s you!!! and that You does not realize you’re them!!! that’s wild and i love it......wait i took low res screenshots when i rewatched this a few weeks ago lmfao

i Love it lmfao like it’s Such a good choice to have him not only have lost his Emotions but also memories / knowledge of who he, himself, even is.....like yeah man it was all on you to fight this heart eating raven monster!!!!!!!!! which you know, it’s also Fun that earlier in that episode when he and fakir are hanging out in the secret Problems Mill (which....fakir is hilarious like that lmfao. whole other tangent here like ppl are not only rolling with Animals As People but stuff like “yeah fakir might just be like ‘oops gotta go!’ and whisk mytho away to various out of the way Locations” like lmfao these teens have some free rein, but it’s nothing compared to s2 where it’s like “They Were Roommates but ig fakir tried to kill mytho who’s now being really dramatic and weird which is v different from before and maybe he’s in love with that one random dude who’s around now, which sucks for everyone else, oops now he’s just like Vanishing for god knows how long at a time it’s fine!!!!” lmfao like god. ballet school just is like that sometimes...) anyways Yeah that mytho’s been having nightmares about the raven and fakir is just going like IT’S FINE JUST DON’T THINK ABOUT IT lol and knowing fakir is also being pretty driven / restricted by fear, reasonably, as he thinks (well. and is correct) that he’s The Knight and his fate is literally written as “yeah if the story gets going and you’re a part of it you’ll just be killed” like yeah, oof......Wonder What I Think Of You Fakir like yeah AND he is that knight you actually did know who was suddenly killed trying to protect you and he’s sorta accepted that role again except he’s not really a fan of that Being Killed thing so here we’re having some issues in his misguided approach here re: Mytho Should Not Get His Heart Back, but he’s also trying to protect them Both from the story, and he’s only So Willing to act Against mytho, like, well hey thanks for apologizing after you hit him and then like, not doing that anymore lol, v reasonable how he’s struggling here lol where he’s trying to Protect mytho but the story a) wants to invite tragedy and b) has already said that The Knight has been / will be killed and can’t actually protect the prince within the story, also c) he’s just like one random high school guy out here......and also that it must just be kinda hard to adapt to this changing situation where mytho Is regaining this sense of self and motivation, but for like the past decade or whatever he Has needed fakir to just be in charge and tell him what to do all the time and, if he had the sense of what it was to trust someone, trust fakir to just always be acting in his best interest, but then mytho’s idea of his own best interest a) starts to Exist and b) is at odds w/fakir’s b/c also c) he doesn’t have All his feelings yet, Or all his memories, while fakir is like “noooo i know the story”.....like there was never any need to just like tell him he sucks at random times lol but it’s also kind of funny that’s just part of fakir’s shtick, calling mytho a dumbass one more time when he’s just fully himself as The Prince again lmfaooo. but prior to that, surely fakir could wonder what mytho thinks of him (or potentially Could think of him) too.......it’s just soooo good when mytho is like, expressing things verbally while trying to work through / figure out Feelings and even ones that he doesn’t have back yet, and it’s always fun how that inevitably throws off whatever character he’s musing about this to......including whenever ahiru’s just like “oh fuck yes he can do this b/c he has more feelings back now, that rules” and/or “aw :( he’s struggling w/this b/c he only has Some of his heart back”

and also that reminds me it’s SO good when the characters just kinda get to Do Something together lmfao like. ahiru and rue hanging out when looking for mytho that one time, iconic stuff, mytho and ahiru hanging out in the previous episode, iconic, maybe it kills me that in the first ep of s2 you have mytho saying ahiru’s his friend and the only person he feels like he can tell anything (and ahiru feeling bad she hasn’t Told Him Everything lol) and then he basically never gets to interact with her again knowing and as himself like Scream it’s fine ;v; !!!!!! let these people spend more than 3 seconds together Interacting lmfao it’s soooo good when they do :’0

and THEN you get into how there’s all this stuff re: The Story, like, fakir is the reincarnated knight, ahiru is the duck given tutu’s abilities Via a piece of mytho’s heart, but we had the original knight and tutu in the story as these actual ppl who we only hear a Little bit of lore about, but mytho actually knew / knows, and like, the original genesis for tutu only being on 1 Page of the story and apparently drosselmeyer doesn’t even really put any thought into what her motivations could be lol like yeah idk whatever she wants to marry the prince or whatever so that’s why she loves him and Says It and disappears......and like we have almost No direct info about her but uh nbd at least some of her actual essence is actually now an intrinsic part of mytho’s actual heart and specifically embedded in the heart shard of Hope, like damn!!!! you Know there was something more Real and Complex going on there and i love it so much.......and the original Knight, lohengrin.....might have been doomed to be unable to protect mytho with his sword, but there’s other ways to protect that guy and Someone needed to be doing it.......i’m just like wow mytho’s gf and bf!!!! and they both sort of died but hey. there’s still a lot to think about

so yeah lmfao love that you can originally see this series like, a decade ago and here it is like damn still lying down / yelling / generally riled up about mytho and just having So Much to think about / appreciate from this series like. it’s so Singular and has so much going on.......cherish it and i’m just still anytime like [epcot vine voice] Mytho...........

[gurguliare]

vardasvapors replied to your post “it’s weird to think that idril meeting tuor after huor + hurin must...”

SORRY I HAVE A LOT OF THOUGHTS

vardasvapors replied to your post “it’s weird to think that idril meeting tuor after huor + hurin must...”

I wonder if turgon like....told her about huor's prophecy in serech? but like also....idril the foresighted etc. and after the nirnaeth, i wonder if she thought up the tunnel BEFORE tuor's ulmo thing, even? anyway...stomped uncle...also she could have gone if she pulled a Nienor mayb

vardasvapors replied to your post “it’s weird to think that idril meeting tuor after huor + hurin must...”

i was thinking like, tuor actually knows not so much first-hand about the hadorians or the edain outside of unusual circumstances like his fellow prisoners and ppl he met traveling and hiding and in a weird way has to figure out who they were by triangulating annael's stories with the gondolindrims stories and his small experience to get kind of an idea of who they were, what being a hadorian means....kind of like worf. so it's like....idril and he are BOTH learning about humans at the same time

vardasvapors replied to your post “it’s weird to think that idril meeting tuor after huor + hurin must...”

omg did you read that fic croc wrote about tuor asking like, who the fuck WAS my dad, and my uncle, and idril telling him about them and stuff

Yes it’s my favorite Tuor/Voronwe >____>

Anyway no they’re great thoughts! It’s hard for me to imagine Idril pulling a Nienor because Idril to me seems super ... by-the-book or not at all... I mean, “secret tunnel” is a valid rebuttal here, but that seems to me to represent a basic breakdown of her faith in Gondolin/Turgon’s laws period. Not that I can’t imagine her rationalizing sneaking away in disguise if she was already committed, but like, abandoning the city when she’s been appointed regent? I definitely imagine Turgon telling her about Huor’s last words though, and her of all people remembering it. Lmao wow Idril lasting all of 20 seconds on the calculating “maybe we HAVE to get married for DESTINY” before Tuor does a cute sneeze

As for Tuor + the Edain: yeah, I kind of absorbed some similar headcanons from croc and kate’s discussions/fic, although I also always wonder about Tuor’s... rejection? of his human identity, if we want to call it that, probably too strong, in the scenario where he becomes an elf in Valinor. Obviously that doesn’t preclude him learning about the Edain and delighting in his knowledge of them, and I think doesn’t even preclude him valuing his adan-identity after becoming immortal (cf all your Elrond meta, ahaha)---it’s more like, hmm. My very first impression on reading the Silm was like, oh, of course, Tuor never really knew his own people and his major point of human reference was his captors and abusers among the Easterlings, why wouldn’t he want to convert. But that’s sort of a boring interpretation, obviously. After a while I started thinking---uh, and this is injecting a bunch of shaky headcanons here, including things like “the Noldor and Beorians look most like each other AND the Beorians of the three houses probably bear most resemblance to the Eastrons who followed later, because [mumblemumble I headcanon both as from central/northern central Asia]” but also “Noldor-Sindar relations might have been, for Tuor, a sort of bizarre, peaceful version of Easterlings and the Edain, with the same thing of a second wave of immigrants installing themselves as rulers, but it’s an apparently consent-based, mutualistic hierarchy with lots of mingling instead of violent segregation, so....” And the fact that for both the Gondolindrim and the Easterlings at this point there’s this aspect of like, being fucking hedged in with nowhere to go and pretending you’re happy about this deal for the sake of your pride?

....

Whatever. Anyway, the point of that tangled ball of speculation is just, I wonder if for Tuor loving the Noldor was like, a release from his past but also a weird consolation in the sense of like, not ‘understanding’ or ‘forgiving’ the Easterlings through the proxy of the Noldor, THAT would be super weird and unnecessary, but just having this added perspective that makes him tender toward Gondolin’s fucked-up plight, an alertness that comes out of his life among humans.

With or without that (hypothetical) context, him and Idril talking through the great deeds and ordinary details of his family members and the other Edain is really powerful, because you’re right, they’re finding a way out for the Noldor together---as always, humans or the human example forging the path. It’s nice to imagine that even when Tuor is sort of deep in the dream of Gondolin, there’s always this window inset in the marriage---his presence reminds Idril to look outward (not just in the sense of the necessity of escaping from there, as in the tunnel, but also escaping to somewhere, as in the Havens) and she reminds him.

Imagine Tuor and baby Elwing doing comparative literature stuff? Elwing very officiously telling him ALL the Hadorian-->Beorian fairy tales about the Fall of Man? They both suck at Taliska! They can suck together!

[selfishshipper]

11 Questions

Hi guys, I was tagged by @selftitledegomaniac

I was so shocked lmao I never get tagged for shit

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•- Rules:


1. Always post the rules


2. Answer the 11 questions they ask you


3. Ask your 11 questions that you make


4. Tag people to answer your q’s -•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-

1. would you like to be famous? in what way and why?

Shit man I’m so basic but I want to be an author. I love writing so much (my parents think I’m writing a chapter right now hehe)

2. what are you most grateful for?

Oh I hate this question uh okay. I’m thankful for *inhales*  ALL OF YOU GUYS! No but actually I love ya’ll I know it’s cheesy but eh.

3. Make up a six-word story about your life

That’s not enough butter you bitch.

4. if you could know the absolute truth about one thing ( about yourself, life, the universe, whatever) what would you want to know?

Damn okay. I’d like to understand the ways of the mind, as I believe the mind holds powers over the body. If you understand the mind and how to control it, you can basically do anything. I know that’s not really the question but you know.

5. what is your greatest accomplishment?

Okay so I was watching a live stream this one time and I commented “Boi I sure do love me a cup o’ covfefe” and you know everyone was like “haha kill me”. So like three hours later, the dude’s still streaming and he’s playing a game with the viewers and one card the guy got was “Coffee? No, don’t talk to me before my ___” AND HE WROTE COVFEFE AND SAID HE SAW IT IN THE CHAT GUYS IT WAS AMAZING.

6. what does love and friendship mean to you?

Okay, well I actually think of love as two different things. There’s loving someone and being in love with someone. Loving someone is basically a very close relationship where you enjoy being around them, a friendship or otherwise. And being in love is a whole other thing. To be in love is to trust completely, which, though some claim to be in love, they aren’t really. Being in love is being able to jump off a building with only the knowledge that your lover will try to catch you. 

7. if you were to die today, without being able to communicate with others, what would you most regret not telling somebody?

I’d actually regret not writing down all of my story ideas and giving them to someone. There’s a lot in here that I don’t want to be forgotten. 

8. your house catches fire. you saved your loved ones and pets. you have time to save one item. what would you save?

NO. NO AWAY YOU ROOD PERSON. Well, logically, it’d make more sense to save my loved ones than to rescue a pet, as they certainly won’t live as long or do as much. BUT I LOVE MY DOGGOS AND PARENTOS SO ILL JUST SAVE BOTH BC I AM AWESOME.

{Edit: HAHA I done fucked up. Okay so I read that wrong it’s what else would I save. And I would save my box of old journals and flash drives because I love looking through old stuff.}

9. what is your most embarrassing moment?

OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND SO WEIRD BUT I was sleeping at a friend’s house and I kinda wanted to freak her out so I started moaning and shit bc why not. She’s a bit immature (sorry hun) and she completely believed it. So cut to a year later and I’m at the pool with her and there are these kids who are like ten or so and she starts tELLING THEM ABOUT IT AND I WAS LIKE “NO NO I WAS FAKING” AND SHE WOULDN’T STOP AND AGHHHHHHH

10. what is your most treasured memory, worst memory, and weirdest random memory that you have no idea why you remember?

I think my favorite memory was when I figured out that, hunny, I ain’t straight. I was sitting in class next to my friend (who used to be a girl) and I was pondering the thought bc we’d been talking about it and suddenly I looked at her and there were five stages okay:

That’s a girl

I think I like girls

So maybe I like her???

Huh okay I like her

FUCK

Yeah that was a train wreck ehehe sorry. My worst is when, back in fifth grade  (I made a post about this), my teacher would let kids write stories about me and this other kid. Like I would die and shit. And little me would hide under my desk and be brought to tears but did anyone care? Nope. I actually can’t go under a desk without getting a panic attack so thanks, shitheads. 

And a random memory? Idk I have this memory from when I was like two and I went underwater and saw my swim teacher’s bottoms lmao maybe it was a sign.

11. what super power do you want the most?

The ability to do anything with my mind. The brain is powerful, hoes. 

(or to be transported into fictional worlds, but I’d probably die in a second lmao)

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Damn okay question time.

If time stopped for a day, what would you do?

What was your worst date or experience with a bf/gf/other?

Who do you wish you looked like, or model your appearance after?

Are there any ship types that you’re not okay with? Reasons why?

Favorite AUs?

If your name could go down in history, what would you want people to know you for?

What’s your opinion on love and “true love” and soul mates and all that?

If you only had a week to live, what would you do?

Something you’ve learned from your bullies?

If you had a chance to go into space, would you take it?

What do you think the afterlife is like?

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hope that didn’t suck

I tag @aru-dight , @1thapp3ns, @melancholicdumpster , @ithinkihopr, @squeepssoul, @floramortis, @camera-cookie, @bisebchris , @cielizzydefencesquad , @fara-arts , @nick-avallone , and anyone else who wants to do this

#when you tag like ten ppl bc i wanna look like you have friends

(you don’t have to tho)