#it's hard allowing yourself to grieve for your past self without also feeling bitter about missed opportunities

[macchiatosdumptruck]

Hope you’re okay, and if not, you will be ♥️

Thank you anon. I'm ngl. My mental health has been complicated lately.

This made me smile, anon. Thank you. 💜💜💜💜

[riversofmars]

Can I ask you for a prompt about Thirteen stalking River at a dozen points throughout River's timeline (and all out of order)?? xx Thank you.

Hello! This is a brilliant prompt that I’ve actually been saving for the right moment :D I wanted to do it as a slightly bigger project and here we are. So this is going to be the first chapter of 12, one for each encounter (no way was I gonna do this in a one-shot lol), they’ll probably vary in length. I’m also planning on using some of the other prompts I’ve got sitting here for the encounters cause some are just perfect for it. All one big story though, chronological from the Doctor’s point of view, all over the place for River. :D

Starting off a bit serious but will turn lighter as we go along. Something (relatively) light and entertaining before I throw myself into something more serious again. Hope you’ll enjoy this!

Rating: G

Word Count: 2600

Read below or on AO3

Big, Vast, Complicated and Ridiculous

Chapter 1: The Library

The TARDIS materialised in the complete silence that engulfed the Library. Only the light atop the TARDIS reflected on the marble floor, the whole planet was shrouded in living, breathing darkness. There were a great many terrifying things in the universe, the Vashta Nerada certainly ranked right up there, but very few things actually scared the Doctor anymore. When she opened the TARDIS door, the golden light shining from behind her pushed the shadows back.

“I’m the Doctor, remember me?“ She spoke into the silence as she stepped out of her TARDIS and the shadows retreated from where she set her foot. “I’m not here to disturb you, I just want to see my wife.“ She said but didn’t get a response. She hadn’t expected one, there was no body for the shadows to inhabit and talk to her. “I just destroyed an army of Daleks… don’t mess with me right now, keep out of my hair and I will keep out of yours.“ Her voice was low and threatening. She hardly recognised herself anymore. It was one of the many reasons she was here. Nineteen years she had spent locked away with plenty of time to think. Being rescued and seeing off a Dalek invasion hadn’t done much to alleviate her gloom. If anything, it had pushed her further in a direction she wasn’t sure she wanted to be going in.

“Where are we going to go?“ Yaz had asked after Ryan and Graham had left the TARDIS.

“I…“ the Doctor hadn’t been sure what to say, heading off on another random adventure just didn’t feel right. Not when she had so many questions that needed answering, so many things she needed to figure out about herself. “I need to find out who I am, Yaz…“ She had said at last, squaring her jaw. She couldn’t just keep going, carrying all these questions with her. She felt so far removed from herself, how could she be carrying on in the name of the Doctor, when she didn’t even know who that person was anymore?

“Then we will do that.“ Yaz had said encouragingly. “Where do you want to start?“

The Doctor had thought about the answer to that question a lot in the nineteen years she’d been locked up. She’d taken a deep breath, gathering herself.

“There is someone I need to go and see, someone that knows me better than anyone else in the universe.“ She’d answered.

“Right, great, who is it? Where are we going?“ Yaz had asked, full of enthusiasm that had just been too much for the Doctor at the time.

“Yaz, this is something I need to do by myself…“ She’d said after brief consideration and Yaz’s face had fallen. “I promise I won’t keep you waiting long, I will pick you up again soon, but this bit… it’s personal.“ The Doctor had looked away, busying herself by setting coordinates and not face Yaz’s disappointment.

“Oh… but you said…“ Yaz hadn’t given up easily and it had taken a lot out of the Doctor to muster the needed enthusiasm.

“I’ll be back by the time you’ve packed a bag.“ The Doctor had smiled and meant it. She was glad at least one of her friends still wanted to travel with her but the place she needed to go, that was something she had to do by herself.

“I will be back here in an hour and if you’re not, Doctor, so help me, I…“ Yaz had tried her best to understand, she’d known her friend was struggling and if that was something she had to do by herself, she would have to give her that time.

“One hour it is.“ The Doctor had put on an optimistic smile. “I got my phone back as well, you can reach me any time, don’t worry.“

Yaz had given in to her persuasive and optimistic promise. Any trace of that enthusiasm the Doctor had mustered for her companion had drained away now. She didn’t need to pretend here, amongst the shadows. She had every right to be bitter, every right to be angry and sad and grieving. The shadows had been there and seen it all and they understood. Her threatening tone certainly had the desired effect as the shadows retreated and created a walk way to the nearest computer screen. The Doctor made her way over to the terminal and accessed it right away, before she could let her anxieties overwhelm her.

“CAL?“ She spoke as the computer engaged and powered up. “CAL? I need to talk to River.“

“Way ahead of you, Sweetie.“ River’s face appeared on the screen, giving her a warm smile that made the Doctor’s chest tighten immediately. She’d known seeing her like this would be hard, but to see that love and warmth in her eyes was more painful than anger at her long absence could have been.

“River, I… I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner…“ The Doctor grabbed on to the terminal, trying to get as close as she could although she knew, of course, that it made no difference. River wasn’t physically there. She was just a voice, a consciousness, inside a computer. That knowledge made it hard for the Doctor to breath.

“I’m sure you have been very busy, saving the universe and all that.“ River chuckled lightheartedly and the Doctor couldn’t be sure if she actually meant it or if she was being sarcastic. She wasn’t good at reading people’s expressions at the best of times and she certainly didn’t feel her best right about now. “What brings you here now?“ River asked, tilting her head and the Doctor’s hearts sank. She knew her too well to assume she’d come without an anterior motive.

“I, uh… I’m feeling really lost right now and I thought… I just needed to see you again… I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be the Doctor…“ The Doctor confessed, unable to keep up the pretence any longer. They were alone, just her and River, the woman who had seen the best and the worst of her, knew everything about her, every face, everything she’d done… and still loved her regardless.

“Ah this again.“ River gave her a kind smile. “You have an identity crisis and you come to your old wife for a pep talk?“ She chuckled.

“River, you don’t understand, the timelords, they kept so much from me, I don’t even know my own life. I’m not even one of them. Turns out I’m just a foundling with these abilities that they then took for themselves. And I don’t even remember any of it, they took the memories…“ The Doctor started rambling. She didn’t know what to say or how to explain, it was just so much. River remained silent, just listening, allowing her to carry on: “I’m just so angry, I’ve done some really bad things and I can feel myself slipping into all that anger and…“ The Doctor closed her eyes, trying to block out the memory of Gallifrey burning, of the Master laughing, of her destroying a TARDIS to wipe out the Daleks…

“The anger of a good man is not a problem.“ River smiled, echoing a voice from their joint past and the Doctor actually laughed.

“You know I’m not a good man, River.“ She shook her head bitterly.

“That’s where you’re wrong, my Love. You’re the best man I’ve ever known. Or woman, come to think of it.“ River chuckled.

“I’m being serious, River.“ The Doctor shook her head. Why wasn’t she taking her seriously?

“So am I.“ River replied more firmly and the Doctor looked up at her. “You might feel yourself slipping and you might end up doing bad things, terrible things even but never without reason. Sometimes there isn’t a right choice so you have to make a hard one and you do. It’s what you have to do. And it’s not always easy but you always find your way back to yourself.“

“Last time this happened, you were there, to pull me back from the brink. At Demon’s Run. You said I make them so afraid… and I could see that. And I do again, now. This is not what Doctor is supposed to mean.“ The Doctor lowered her eyes again, ashamed for her actions. She remembered Demon’s Run well. Her hubris had been her downfall then. She could feel herself slipping back into that dark mindset, the anger she’d felt towards Madame Kovarian, the fear for Amy…

“Oh darling, you might have a temporary and possibly well founded identity crisis but you’re still the Doctor, my Doctor.“ River smiled kindly as it was the best she could do and the Doctor wished nothing more than to be able to touch her. Fall into her arms and have her tell her everything would be alright again. That she would work it out like she always did. That she was still proud of her, still believed in her, still loved her.

“You know I want nothing more than to be that person. For you, if nothing else. But how do I do it?“ She retorted, almost desperately.

“I’m sorry, my Love, I can’t tell you that, those experiences have to be lived, not told. I think you’d been sitting still for too long, you’ve forgotten what the thrill of adventure feels like, the joy of helping and saving someone. What it means to be the good guy and stand up for what’s right… To actually have fun again.“ River’s smile was full of compassion.

“Is that your advice? Just go back out there and find adventure and live?“ The Doctor laughed in a bitter sort of way and shook her head in disbelief.

“Something like that. Answers to the big questions have a habit of finding you along the way… I’m afraid you have quite a way to go yet before then but you want to be your best self when you do, don’t you?“ River shrugged.

“That’s not… how am I to do that if I don’t know how to carry on?“ The Doctor snapped, frustrated. Did River not understand what she was saying? How could she just suggest she carry on and find herself along the way. She had tried on Earth, fighting off the Daleks, and she had not acted like the Doctor at all. If she put herself in the midst of another adventure, what was to stop her from making the wrong choices? How was she to act like the Doctor if she couldn’t think like them anymore?

“What did you expect to find here? I’m just a face in a computer.“ River retorted pulling the Doctor out of her frenzied thoughts.

“River you…“ The Doctor felt guilty immediately, she had been so wrapped up in herself. River was so much more than that to her, even now.

“No, Doctor, you can’t come here and expect me to help fix you, you’ll have to do that yourself and you’re only going to do that by carrying on.“ River said sternly.

“To do that, I need you, I need your help.“ The Doctor confessed why she had really come. “When I’m with you, it’s like… I know who I’m meant to be. You make me a better person.“ She couldn’t help but think back to the time right after Darillium. How she had kept her diary close, River’s words guiding her through some of the hardest decisions of her life. She pushed her hand into her coat pocket and pulled out River’s diary. “I need… I need more.“ She looked at the well worn blue cover and then to River. She could see the flash of deep emotion in her eyes that she tried to hide with a dazzling smile as usual.

“Then you have come to the wrong version of me, haven’t you.“ River chuckled, the sadness gone from her eyes. “I’m stuck in a computer, Doctor, but there are plenty younger versions of me running around out there.“

“But, the diary…“ The Doctor had read it cover to cover many times. Even all the encounters River had had with her past selves before she’d even known who she was. It was all there. She had lived and read it all already.

“Oh Doctor, my dear Doctor, I was never going to put it all in there, was I.“ River smirked and the Doctor looked up dumbfounded as the penny dropped.

“You recognised me!“ She exclaimed. “You knew it was me straight away!“

“Of course I did, Sweetie. That particularly pretty face of yours has been all over my timeline.“ River grinned.

“It has?“ The Doctor’s head was spinning as her world turned upside down. Was this River’s way of telling her that this was not the end of their story?

“Well, it’s one of those timey wimey things, isn’t it. You come here distraught and talk to me, I tell you to see my younger selves, you tell my younger self not to put it in the diary, so you don’t know about those adventures and come here distraught to talk to me…“ River smirked drawing a circle in the air as the Doctor buried her face in her hands and groaned, annoyed at how she hadn’t seen this coming, it was just them all over. Her and River, time and space… Rule 1: The Doctor and River lie. She looked at River’s smiling face and felt much lighter than she had in a long time. Perhaps she could do this after all. Perhaps if she had those encounters to look forward to, she could keep going. River laughed: “See Sweetie, it’s never over for us, is it. All that time and space, we’re still running together, somewhere out there, and we will never stop. Maybe just delay for a time.“

“Maybe I’ll even get you out of here one day.“ The Doctor said the words before she could think better of it. Maybe she could, one day, make up for the one thing she regretted more than anything else.

“Maybe you will.“ River chuckled airily. “Until then, have fun with my younger self. Those were some good times.“ She gave her a wink.

“I will come back.“ The Doctor promised with renewed determination.

“Until then, my love.“ River blew her a kiss and before the Doctor could muster the strength for more meaningful goodbyes, the screen went black. The Doctor shook her head to herself, she was sure River had done it on purpose to make sure she would actually come back.

It was a strange mix of feelings as she returned to the TARDIS, she still felt the anger bubbling inside her, the nagging questions… but there was hope now, too, something to look forward to. The TARDIS hummed and wheezed as the Doctor closed the door behind herself, back in the comforting light and safety.

“Yes, she’s fine…“ The Doctor answered the TARDIS’s question as she stepped up to the console. “At least I think so… I didn’t exactly ask but she looked fine… I mean, she’s an image on a computer screen so of course she looks fine, she’ll always look like she did when she was uploaded I guess… But she didn’t say anything about not being fine… She did say we would see her again though.“ The Doctor found herself grinning now. “Let’s pick up Yaz and then, who knows… maybe we will run into her, wouldn’t that be something.“ She pushed the lever down and the TARDIS jumped into the time vortex. Th journey took no time at all and they landed only moments later. The Doctor skipped over to the door, already picking out suitable travel destinations in her head for their next adventure, and ready to welcome Yaz back.

“Okay… this is not Sheffield!“ The Doctor’s face fell as she opened the TARDIS door. Slowly, she stepped outside into blinding sunshine. “Yaz is going to kill me if I’m late.“ She scolded the TARDIS. “Why are you doing this?“  

[duhliriouss]

A Pawn & A King:

Prologue

AN: I’m so excited to finally be starting this long fic! I know it’s not much yet but I really want everyone to see a good look into the OC first. First chapter and the following ones will be around 3000 words each. Enjoy! And please let me know what you think and want to see. Also for anyone who doesn’t know, this ongoing story will include a lot smut, Dom, abuse, etc..

Warnings: angst, nightmares, mental illness, self harm, addiction

Summary: A look into OC’s personality and nature before being sent into the real world.

Disclaimer: I do not own Joker - Todd Phillips or any character associated in Joker.

Prologue:

You ran.

You weren’t sure where you were going. You weren’t even sure who was chasing you. But you felt it, the fear taking over you and the adrenaline running through your very core. You past buildings and took sharp turns throughout the cities streets as the rain poured down and stuck to your (y/h/c) hair.

You didn’t dare take a second to turn your head as you ran to see how close they were. You felt your heart beat harder and harder in your chest. You could hear it in your ears.

Louder and louder

The sound quickened into a stranger sound as your vision started to blur.

No.. please..

Your body felt waves of currents go through you. Collapsing to the ground, your ears rang as you noticed the ground didn’t feel wet and cold as the pavement should.

You shot your eyes open to the all familiar sound of your alarm.

Another nightmare

You were used to your vivid nightmares at this point. For as long as you could remember you never really went a night without them. The medication you took for your depression had more bad side affects than good.

You sighed, managing to roll over and lazingly slam the alarm with your hand.

4:30 AM

Laying on your back for a moment you pondered about what the day ahead of you consisted of.

Work until 4. It’s Monday, so that means I have therapy at 5 so I need to take the train. That’s gives me barley enough time to pick up some things for dinner then get myself to work again for 7.

I can do this. I can do this

You were never one to complain about working two jobs. You lived in Gotham your whole life and started working since you were young to help support your family. You have always been acustomed to the poor living arrangements you always had.

You worked as a bank teller at Gotham City Bank Monday through Saturday for 2 years now. And you worked at a small, run down laundry mat 3 days a week for a couple hours.

Never having time for friends you always felt alone. You moved out on your own years ago after your mother got you admitted to the hospital for your failed attempts to hurt yourself during your panic attacks. You only stayed for a little less than a year. Once relieved you moved back in for just a few days until you saw apartment applications for roommates in the Daily Gotham Newspaper.

Your mother failed you. You haven’t seen her since.

With one last sigh you stretched until you did one good pop then stood up. You opened the drapes and neatly made your bed propping the decor pillows back on the bed.

Leaving your room you quietly tiptoed to Harvie’s (your roommate) bedroom to see if he was home. You had to check since you didn’t hear the familiar screaming to shut your alarm off.

“He’s not Home” your voice beemed. Must have got too drunk at his buddies and stayed the night. Smiling softly you made your way to the coffee pot and poured the last of the cold liquid into your mug, tossing it in the microwave. You always left a little extra the night before since you didn’t have enough time to make a new pot in the mornings.

( Quick AN: I encourage you listen to Coming Home - Leon Bridges for the remainder of this chapter )

You quickly sucked down your coffee and turned on the radio. You always tended to listen to soft music while getting ready for work on the days Harvie wasn’t home. He never really allowed you to do anything.

You got dressed and made your way to the bathroom and quickly brushed your teeth. You applied a soft makeup look and brushed your long locks. You gracefully rocked your body back and forth to the music as you applied your red lipstick to your plump lips.

“The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth”

you sang along quietly to yourself as you gently smirked to yourself in the mirror. You brushed your hair delicately and pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. Your look was complete for the day.

You slowly raised your hands up in the sky as your head followed till all you could see was the dirty molded ceiling. Still rocking back and forth, your head and hips following along to the music, your smile turned wider as you continued singing along.

You danced your way into the kitchen, twisting and turning in your black and red striped dress as you went to gather your things for the day. Your anxiety’s from your nightmare deteriorating, your burdens of everyday worries soothing down to nothing - nothing but a slight euphoric feeling traveling up your slim body.

You were stunning.

Your graceful and angelic steps never seen by many people. But you never let yourself believe it.

You suddenly felt a sharp jab of guilt hit you. Your mind traveling back to the fact you’re only doing this because Harvie isn’t here.

The music beeming in your head can now only be heard from the other side of the room.

You stopped dancing now. Standing there feeling embarrassed you quickly walked over to the radio and shut it off.

Baby I would be grieving if you wanted to leave me alo-

The quietness of the room hit your ears hard. You swallowed hard and made your way to your pack of cigarettes on the nightstand by your bed, pressing it to your lips you inhaled sharply as a single tear fell down your flushed cheek.

You closed your eyes lifting your head slightly letting your hand float in front of your face with the cigarette tight inbetween your fingers.

A small daydream crossed behind your closed eyes. Letting yourself express yourself as you did seconds before in your mind,

but youre being watched this time.

You’re being joined by warm hands being led across the floor and dipped until your (y/h/c) brushed the cold tile. No scolding, no punishment for your actions, just bliss and a unfamiliar feeling of comfort and safety.

There’s no face to this imaginary, mysterious man.

Not yet

Another tear rolls down your cheek. You open your eyes again and take another drag off your cigarette. You look up at the clock

5:15

You don’t bother to wipe the, now almost dried tears, from your face as you grab your things, throw on a black long coat and finally begin to make your way out the door for work.

“Not yet” you say out loud this time softly to yourself as you saunter down the hallway to the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay! I really hope everyone enjoys this little bit into what this story will entail. Please let me know what you liked or disliked since I am still learning as I go with writing!

[buttonharp]

That's okay too, loveli. Healing is a process. To love is easy when the world is gentle with you. You are allowed feel bitter, you're allowed be angry and upset at people who do bad things, or who hurt you. It doesn't make you a bad person. It only makes you a person.

Growth is a journey, kindness and love and forgiveness are hard.

Something my mom said once, she was quoting Buffy, is that forgiveness is an act of compassion. You don't forgive someone because they deserve it, you do it because they need it.

These people, they don't deserve your compassion. If you give it, you do so freely and without obligation.

I am a beacon of light, but no one has hurt me. Or, if they tried, it went right over my head. The kind of person you're talking about, who looks at the universe with love, who accepts past cruelty with equanimity, it's someone who has processed their trauma, accepted it, and moved past it. My trauma was not an individual person's doing, it wasn't reflected at an individual. I held bitterness towards my parents, myself, my society. I was angry I didn't get to be a kid, unafraid of people, unafraid of being in a room alone with someone. I was so frustrated and sad and I was grieving opportunities I had lost, opportunities to feel safe, to feel seen, to connect to people. I was also grieving myself. My little kid self who always felt so afraid, and thought there was something wrong with them.

I think bitterness is just,, a stage of healing. It's in between trauma and forgiveness, not that forgiveness is necessarily an end-goal. Again, it is not an obligation.

I wish I had a magical answer,, or something not so stereotypical. I met people who genuinely cared about me, about my boundaries and what I wanted, who encouraged me to ask for what I needed. And I knew it would be okay. I was honest, forthright, and I wore my heart on my sleeve every day. I told people I was afraid, I told people I was struggling, and they hugged me and held me hand and said "I love you." And i knew it would be okay. I gave most of my trust freely, I allowed people to see when I felt small, though I still held my fears close to my heart, and deep inside, where the logic can't reach, I was afraid. Not of everyone, not all the time. But enough.

I met this guy. He's sweet, and awkward, and he asks me about my boundaries. I know he cares about what I want. It actually feels comfy, to be around him.

In the past few months, I felt it shift a little, down where logic can't reach.

I'm passing people in the hallways, I'm making eye contact at the grocery store, and in my head, I go *that's a person!!*

Like a whole person. I know, deep down, that they have feelings. That they care and worry about things, they have people who love them and things they're afraid of. And today, I am okay.

I'm really that person now, who sees the goodness and acts on it. I'm still working on my fear, but. But now I can see the people💙

I don't think I have a very good answer on how to get here. My trauma is different from your trauma, my healing was different, the people around me are different. The only solid advice I can give is that there isn't anything wrong with you; be gentle with yourself. Maybe you don't "deserve" it, but you need it.

I want to be the kind of person who no matter what they help others, they don't hurt anyone purposely, the see the good and kindness in other and no matter what happens to them they don't go bitter.

but I can't not be bitter with the people who hurt me. I can't help but be angry because I trusted them and i opened up but they hurt me. I cared about them and was trying to help them be happy but they didn't seem to care.

I care about people so deeply but it hurts to care.

[silentstardb]

“Avengers: Endgame” review ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

So it’s been a week. I’ve held off on spoilers for this movie, and I have so many thoughts, and I’m ready to try and tackle this epic. Settle in.

***OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT***

Where to start?

Let’s start with my favorite moments from the film, then get into some more in-depth commentary.

- Cap wields Mjolnir, paying off the tease we got of it from “Age of Ultron.”

- “Avengers ... assemble.”

- Tony teaching Nebula to play paper football while they are stranded in space.

- Rocket and Nebula sharing a quick moment of shared grief over the loss of their comrades and family. Sitting together on the steps of the ship. Rocket puts his paw on Nebula’s knee, and she takes it. Just like Drax comforted him in “Guardians” after the death of Groot.

- Cap running a support group for grieving survivors of the “Snapture.”

- Tony’s scenes with his daughter Morgan. So sweet.

- Professor Hulk.

- Natasha becoming the de facto team leader. Her scene at the compound where Rhodey talks to her about Clint, the intense anguish on her face as she tries desperately just to hold things together. It was understated, but so well done.

- Valkyrie’s return and becoming queen of New Asgard. A nice payoff of her character. Also the return of Korg and Miek, two favorites from “Thor: Ragnarok.”

- Tony’s conversation with Howard in 1970 where each of them discuss how being a parent is totally overwhelming and yet rewarding at the same time.

- Thor’s pep talk with his mother. Didn’t realize how much I needed that.

- The final battle with Thanos was the epitome of win. Eye candy everywhere, every hero and heroine you can think of taking part in the battle, everyone gets a moment to shine, the pacing is exquisite, the scale is incredible. It delivers everything I could have wanted from the third act.

- Tony’s death was handled perfectly.

- The whole funeral scene.

- Steve passing the mantle of Cap on to Sam. Yes!

- Steve and Peggy finally get their date.

Okay, some deeper thoughts:

The theme of this movie was about recovery. Facing loss and tragedy and how it affects you. Either you bear up against it and try to help others (Cap) or you become hard and lash out from it (Hawkeye) or you let it consume you to the point where you no longer recognize yourself (Thor). But one way or another, the characters in this movie dealt with pain and loss, and this was about how each of them dealt with it. Many of them triumphed over it and became better. A few didn’t, as we saw with Past Nebula, who had become so bitter over her treatment by Thanos that she wouldn’t allow Past Gamora and her future self to help her. A very tragic end to her character.

I teared up at Tony’s death. Much as I hated to see it, Tony has been cheating death ever since we met him back in “Iron Man” when he escaped captivity from terrorists & a shrapnel bomb that pierced his heart. Much as he is derided publicly for being self centered and an egotist (even though he is those things), he’s also a self sacrificing hero. Despite his wealth, fame, power, and resources, Tony would willingly put his own life on the line to help others, and he has on multiple occasions. He faced a battle he knew he couldn’t walk away from, but he did it anyway, not caring what happened. Kudos to Robert Downey, Jr. He turned in probably his best performance as Tony Stark, and that’s saying something.

Many weren’t sure about Thor’s storyarc in this film. But it made total sense to me. Consider what this hero has been through in the span of a couple films. He’s lost both his parents, his comrades (Warriors 3), his home to Surter, his best weapon, his brother, he couldn’t stop Hela despite his new power, he wasn’t able to kill Thanos before he wiped out half the life in the universe, and he was too late to undo it all. God or no god, that is enough to destroy a person. Thor has been through A LOT since “Ragnarok.” If anyone has an excuse to not be at the peak of their form, it’s him. But in the end, he came through for his team and proved himself still worthy to fight alongside them. Very much looking forward to Thor joining the Guardians of the Galaxy. That feels like a natural fit for him in ways the Avengers never really did.

Natasha’s demise. Okay. It made sense for her, but I hated it. I kept thinking that Clint would be the one to make the jump for the Soul Stone, but in the end, he had a family to go back to. She had no one - save the team itself (and maybe SHIELD, but who knows what state that’s in right now). But still, Natasha was in a lot of ways the soul of the team. She went thru the psychological torture of her childhood that we glimpsed in “Age of Ultron.” Trained to be an assasin and a murderer. Found redemption and fought in the service of gods and heroes. She certainly wiped out the red in her ledger.

The time travel aspect of the story had so much potential to be headache inducing and distracting. But amazingly, the Russos pulled it through mostly intact. We got some great callbacks to classic scenes from movies past, some hilarious one liners and jokes (for being such a dark movie, there is some great humor in Endgame). I followed most of what was going on, and they made a concerted effort to stick to the rules they laid down while still not telling us everything that happened.

Paul Rudd as Ant Man brought great levity to the film. His comedic timing is almost on par with Robert’s, and it was very welcome in the face of crushing loss near the beginning of the film. But he can do the serious stuff just fine as well, as with the scene of him reuniting with his daughter Cassie, five years older.

Thanos felt more like a standard bad guy in this film. Ordinarily, that might have bothered me, but we had “Infinity War” already to set up his character, so I was all right with that. Considering how unstoppable he seemed with the Infinity Gauntlet in “Infinity War,” I found it interesting that he was able to hold his own against a whole army of superheroes without the gauntlet in “Endgame.” But that’s no big deal.

Cap vs. Thanos. I read the Infinity Gauntlet comics, so I was waiting for this battle. And it delivered. That was probably my favorite scene as Cap is my favorite Marvel hero. Wielding Mjolnir, he got his minute to look good knocking the mad titan around & blasting him with the lightning. Even though I knew he wasn’t going to win, that was personally satisfying to watch. I’m a sucker for the underdog. Seeing Thanos come back, shatter Cap’s shield, and just beat the crap out of him, I thought that would be the end for Steve. Thank goodness it wasn’t. The image of him pulling himself to his feet and walking, staggering, forward in the face of Thanos and his massive army. What a great scene.

Of course, the heroes returning was a really cool moment. The return of the “on your left” line from “Winter Soldier” was a great segue into that scene. Every time a character appeared from a time portal, the audience erupted in cheers. Really takes you back to being a little kid and seeing your heroes show up in the nick of time to save the day when all seems lost. The music in that scene was just awesome.

I didn’t come away with the best impression of Carol Danvers as Captain Marvel in her movie, and this movie didn’t do a whole lot to change my view of her. She seemed a little wasted, to be honest. Don’t get me wrong; she’s a fine character, just not a standout.

This movie reminded me a lot of “Return of the King” in that it had a few endings piled on top of each other. The funeral. Tony’s last message to Pepper and Morgan. Clint and Wanda’s last scene. Thor and Valkyrie. Old Man Cap. I didn’t mind, though.

So all in all, “Endgame” stuck the landing. It delivered an epic finish to the Infinity Stones storyarc. Was it perfect? No. But it was perfectly satisfying. And that’s all I wanted.

[sarahburness]

How to Recover from Heartbreak and Feel Whole Again

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” ~Iain Thomas

A deep heaviness and uneasiness began to pulsate throughout my body. Warm, salty tears streamed down my face at all hours of the day. It felt like all the best parts of me were gone and would never return.

Heartache can be one of the hardest things to overcome in life. I never wanted to be one of those girls who let guys determine how they feel. But when my first serious relationship ended when I was twenty-seven, I was beyond devastated.

It took me years to overcome my breakup with Tom because he was my first real love. I’m slowly starting to view the despair I experienced as a gift because it’s shaped the person I’m becoming. More importantly, it has taught me to never fear or take advantage of love.

If you’re struggling to overcome heartache, perhaps some of my lessons may be useful to you. Here's what helped me on my journey to becoming whole again.

1. Allow yourself to feel all your feelings.  

Although it may be tempting to numb your feelings, if they aren’t addressed, chances are they will catch up to you.

My relationship blindsided me when it ended because I didn’t see it coming. I felt like I was going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Only, strangely enough, it felt almost worse than most deaths I grieved because in this relationship there was never a clear goodbye or any closure.

It took me years to go through all of these stages. For a good part of it, I was stuck in denial and sadness.

My breakup with Tom taught me that it’s okay to feel things that are uncomfortable because life isn’t always pleasant. It may be hard, but try to allow yourself to experience whatever feelings come up.

I had to strip my emotions down to feel totally raw and vulnerable. If I felt sad and allowed myself to cry, my body felt so much better afterward because I was able to release all the stress and tension that I'd held in for so long. When I felt anger rising in the pit of my stomach, I’d go for a run to burn off that steam.

Whatever it is that you’re feeling, allow it to come and go like waves instead of pretending it doesn’t exist or fighting it.

2. Cut off contact with your ex so that you are able to heal. 

One of the reasons it took me so long to get over Tom was because we were still in touch with each other via text. Even though we weren’t dating, deep down I had this romantic notion that we would get back together eventually.

When I would date other guys, I wasn’t emotionally invested in them because part of me that held onto hope that Tom and I could still save our relationship and bring it back to what it was during the first year we dated. The truth was that over the years we both changed and grew apart instead of growing together.

Although it was hard to end contact with Tom, I knew that in order to get over him I had to stop relying on him emotionally. This was the scariest part. Tom was part of my life for five years and knew all of me—the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was terrified to be alone and have him out of my life.

I’m not going to lie, I may have texted him more than a few times after promising myself not to contact him. However, eventually, as time passed without contact, I was able to stay strong. I had to stand on my own and face my fears in order to get back to a healthy emotional state.

It’s different for everybody, but I realized that no matter how much time has passed a part of me will always love my ex. And that’s okay. Because now I’m no longer in love with him, largely because I gave myself the space I needed to finish healing—which means I’ll be able to pursue a relationship with someone else in the future.

3. Have a good tribe of people to talk to.

No one is an island. Admitting that you are going through a hard time and finding friends and family who are willing to listen to your struggles can make a world of a difference.

At the time of my breakup, my best friend was going through something similar. It was helpful to share our experiences with each other since it made us both feel less alone. I was lucky to have my mom to talk to as well. It really was beneficial to get her advice, as she had many years of experience to share.

If you find yourself talking about your breakup excessively, it may be good to contact a counselor. Since my breakup happened during my last semester of graduate school,  I decided to take advantage of speaking with a counselor, as they were free to students.

Initially, I had mixed feelings but can say that this assisted me greatly in being able to finish my last semester of school. It also felt good to talk about my feelings to someone who didn’t have a biased view and wouldn’t judge my thoughts.

4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

Remember my best friend I told you about who was going through a breakup? She ended up dating someone a month afterward. Eventually, they got married.

It has taken me about two years to feel ready to date again. Everyone goes through breakups differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

There are so many different factors involved in recovering from a painful breakup. Maybe your relationship was over way before it officially ended. Maybe you didn’t get any closure after your breakup, or it was your first love you lost.

In order to allow myself to heal, I had to stop comparing myself to others. I also decided to get off of social media for a month.

Yes, I was happy for my friends who were dating, getting married, and having kids. However, being bombarded with joyful couples and babies was just too much. I just knew that it was not the best time for me to be flooded with relationship pictures. It allowed me to spend more time with myself and hit the reset button.

5. Give yourself the time you need before jumping into a new relationship.

Initially, I went on a bunch of dates, sometimes two in one day. Yes, it distracted me from what I was feeling, but it wasn’t healthy. Emotionally, it became exhausting.

It was too early in the game to date, and all I could think about was my ex. Whenever I went on a date, I would start comparing the guy to Tom, and that's not a good way to jump back on the dating horse.

Take the time you need to feel whole again before dating. I finally told myself that it’s alright to have high standards about what I'm looking for in a relationship. Most importantly, I learned to enjoy being single.

6. Take good care of yourself.

Self-care was never something I was good at. I always cared more about others and never made time for myself. I felt incredibly lost after my breakup because I no longer had Tom to care about.

Without anyone else to focus on, I started to pay more attention to my own needs and wants. It was also an incentive to treat myself to certain services or activities I normally would not even consider such as getting monthly messages and participating in yoga classes regularly.

I stopped saying yes to everyone else just to please them and started saying yes to myself. I travelled to Peru, Iceland, and Thailand. I took a new job and finally felt free.

Go on that vacation you have been waiting for. Take that cooking class you have been putting off. Have a girls’ or guys’ weekend.

Now is the time to focus on yourself. Enjoy it while you’re single because you never know when you’ll have as much time alone to to discover your interests and passions.

7. Don’t stop appreciating the beauty in all that surrounds you.

There is joy all around us. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that, especially when you’re going through something tough like a breakup.

I started to become engaged more in my surroundings, and it has made a big difference.

I was able to connect to my friends and family on a deeper level and really value these relationships. I started a gratitude journal, which helped me appreciate the little gifts we are given each day. Even something as simple as smiling at others in the street can be a beautiful act and make us feel more connected to those around us.

— 

It took me years to pick up all of the broken pieces and rebuild myself. These seven tips helped me heal from an incredibly painful time in my life. Slowly, my heart started to mend and refill with self-love.

I know I will always love Tom, but now I’m able to continue to go on with my life without feeling trapped or in limbo. Sometimes the past will unexpectedly come up and a flood of sadness will hit me. I allow myself to feel this and then let it go just as fast as it came.

I’m grateful for the person I have become due to my breakup. It has allowed me to realize how rare and wonderful it is to find love. I’ve also learned to become comfortable in solitude and enjoy time alone.

It’s been quite a process, but now my heart is open to love again. Even though you may experience a deep pain and feel broken and angry, know what there is still beauty out in this world for us to experience on a daily basis. And know that through this experience you can become a stronger version of yourself.

About Sarah Masse

Sarah Masse is an occupational therapist by day and writer by night. She’s always up for a new destination to explore whether that be in the country or outside of it. She recently started a traveling blog, truetravelnista.com, after traveling to Thailand to participate in a yoga retreat. Visit Sarah on Instragram at smasse14.

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The post How to Recover from Heartbreak and Feel Whole Again appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-recover-from-heartbreak-and-feel-whole-again/

[russellthornton]

What to Do When You Miss Someone and Just Want the Pain to Stop

No magic pill helps you know what to do when you miss someone. Some people are just imprinted on our hearts forever. But take heart, it won’t hurt forever.

Is there anything worse than when the person you love more than yourself isn’t in love with you anymore? Breaking up is never an easy situation, not even when you are the one to end it. When someone else pulls the trigger, it makes it that much more excruciating. There are ways to wallow in your own pity party, and there are things that help get you past the hurt hump. It is all about knowing what to do when you miss someone.

Missing someone is a mindset. Often, we make ourselves miserable by holding onto the loss. How many times do you stop yourself just to remind you that you are supposed to miss them and that things aren’t right? The key to stop missing someone is to distance the feelings and put them on hold.

What to do when you miss someone – 15 ways to ease the pain

What does that mean? Psychology tells us that the human brain was not designed to analyze its own feelings within a situation. Unfortunately, it is also wired to try to do so. When you go over a situation in your mind to try to find closure or to make sense of what happened, you only keep yourself stuck.

At the heart of the feelings of loss is you. No one makes you feel the loss but you. If you want to move forward, it takes the will to let go of the hurt, move past the emotions, and put the entire situation on the back burner until a time when you can think of it without it hurting. Stop continually pulling yourself back into stuck, and let yourself move ahead with these tricks.

#1 When the thoughts creep in, push them away. It is natural for loss to creep in and ruin just about any moment you have, but only if you allow it.

Once you start to think about the person you miss, which you inevitably will, disallow the memories the ability to overcome you. As quick as they fly in your face, push them away and make a commitment not to honor them. [Read: Letting go of someone you love minus the bitterness]

#2 Try new experiences. The best way to let go of the past is to move on with the future. By performing the same old habits and living in groundhog day, you keep yourself stuck in a rut. If you mix things up a bit, then you change patterns in your life that may be keeping you miserable.

Patterns are ways our brains get stalled into making assumptions and assuming we know things about the future that we don’t. If you overhaul your life to include new things and experiences, they overshadow the habits that keep you from healing.

#3 Stop convincing yourself out of moving ahead. When you end a relationship, it is human nature to feel some allegiance to it. If you forget about it too quickly, there can be guilt and remorse at not grieving it too much.

Stop convincing yourself that it isn’t time to move on just yet. There is no magic timeline to start to live again. If you feel it is right, don’t let anyone tell you it is too soon to start over, especially not you. [Read: Self-discovery after a break up – How to happily move on]

#4 Realize you aren’t going to solve loss through reason. The problem with loss is that we have a tendency to try to make sense of it. There is no sense to love. Even the best psychologists and scientists can’t explain why we love who we love, or how we fall in or out of love.

It is nothing more than a mystery. Trying to reason through it to figure out what went wrong only leaves you endlessly searching for something that isn’t there and stops you from moving on and finding someone to fill the hole. [Read: The 7 stages of heartbreak when you become someone’s ex]

#5 Stop allowing the triggers to get the best of you. Triggers are emotional hot buttons that catapult us back into hurt long after we’ve moved on. We all have emotional triggers from our childhood, past relationships, and any hurt we experience.

If you know that something is a trigger and elicits a backslide to your healing, then make a special note of it. Make sure never to put yourself in the position to let that trigger go off again. In time, emotional triggers hurt less and less. But, while still fresh, they are very destructive to whatever progress you make.

#6 Stop the negative thoughts. Constantly trying to go over what went wrong will do nothing but bring up negative thoughts of your breakup and loss.

Rehashing the situation never gives you the answers you need, it only brings back the negative ending of your relationship. Negativity does nothing but hurt you emotionally. It keeps you stuck in a cycle of hurt, so stop dragging yourself back in.

#7 Avoid running into them or things that remind you of them. Sometimes we have an illusion that if we just see them that it will make the hurt less. The truth is that running into them only opens whatever part of the wound you could heal.

Avoid the places where you bump into your ex and all those things that remind you of your time together, even if it is just until the hurt fades. [Read: 14 things to keep in mind when you accidentally bump into your ex]

#8 Don’t hang onto memories. Memories can be awesome, but sometimes they can be too soon. If you want to get over someone, the worst thing you can do is sit and daydream about all the awesome things that you used to do together. When relationships end, we typically hold onto all the good times and negate the not so good.

That leaves us with a false sense of what the relationship truly was and what we lost. If you want to get past the hurt, then you should stop hanging onto the memories and reliving them. It isn’t doing you any favors.

#9 Stop talking about it to friends and family. Talking aloud can be very cathartic. But, after a breakup, we often try to make some sense out of the part we played and try to place blame or absolve ourselves from any.

If you want to move on, then stop asking for the opinion of others or talking to your friends about how you feel. They already know, and continually bringing it up over and over, will only keep you in a rut and eventually pushes them away leaving you more isolated.

#10 Don’t bring yesterday into today. If you want to know what to do when you miss someone, it is all about starting each new day anew. That means not bringing yesterday into taint today. If you lost someone, they are gone, and as hard as that is to accept, you simply must start to live a new life instead of holding onto the one that is no longer there. [Read: The rules of life: 22 secrets to never be unhappy again]

#11 Go out with anyone and everyone. Don’t limit yourself by only going out with those people who are sensitive to what you are going through. Pushing yourself to meet new people brings out a new you that you might not know existed.

It also shows you life is meant to be full of new experiences, relationships, and that you will probably go through hundreds of different lives before you leave this one.

#12 Find something you like to do alone. At times the hardest part of loss is feeling lonely. The thing about loneliness is that you can only be lonely if you stop enjoying being by yourself. You don’t need someone else to make you feel fulfilled. Being happy comes from within, not from the love of others. If you learn to love yourself, then you only need you, anyone else is just additional joy.

#13 Let go of those people who allow you to wallow. Some people are good for us, and some are not. When you break up, it is sometimes the case that misery loves company. Misery is not the type of company that you need to move on and heal.

Find people who are positive in their life, are okay with being on their own, and aren’t suffering through their own emotional hurdles. It isn’t that you should abandon those who you confide in and who confide in you, it is just that there are people who bring you up and those who drag you down. Choose someone uplifting, at least for now, to get you off the ledge. [Read: 17 bad friends you should unfriend from your life]

#14 Get rid of reminders. If you have an altar to commemorate your ex, it is time to dismantle it so that you don’t have it staring you in the face as a continual reminder. You don’t have to get rid of things that remind you of your past, just putting them away to start living, is a good step on your way back to the new normal.

#15 Give yourself permission to heal and let go. Out of guilt we hold ourselves back. If your last relationship didn’t work and you feel partially or completely responsible, self-flagellating isn’t going to get you anywhere but more marked and hurt. It is not only time to let go, it is time to forgive your misgivings and learn a lesson from the past. Stop judging yourself or thinking that it was all your fault. Breakups take two parties not just one.

Losing someone is one of the hardest things that we can do in life. You never make it through a breakup unscathed. Each person that enters and leaves your life leaves a notch on your heart, some bigger than others.

[Read: 8 post-breakup questions you should be thinking about]

In the end, when it comes to knowing what to do when you miss someone, it makes no difference what happened. It is over, and you need just to let it be and enjoy the time, learn what you can, and realize that if it were meant to be, you would still be.

The post What to Do When You Miss Someone and Just Want the Pain to Stop is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.