#it's gonna be weird as fuck taking pics and video for work again lemme tell you

[karmaphone]

it's genuinely wild to me how many pictures people take of themselves. the last time I took a picture of myself it was one (1) photo two months ago and before that it was three pics five months before that. and people are out here taking selfies All The Time

[triplexdoublex]

Dream 10/9/2022

Been trying to find the time to post this today. This one was a wild ride 🤣

I had a dream last night I had VIP tickets for an MGK show and I was in this little waiting area with all the other VIP people and I was tumblr messaging with @hollywoodxwhore and she sent me a new pic of Kells and Megan and I was just about to bitch about Megan when I hear someone behind me say “I love that picture of them!” I turn around and it’s Casie and I ask if we can get a pic together and she says sure but then I forget how to work my phone camera and miss the opportunity cuz the venue started rushing us all out of the room to our seats. I had close seats BUT they were at a horrible angle and all I could see was the drums and part of Rooks back but I took some pictures and messaged them to @blxxdyvalentine19xx and @thebreakup . Then I saw Kells for a split second and he had cut his hair like the I think I’m ok video but left some pink on the top and I tried to get another pic but the venue staff started rushing us to exit and put us on subway trains for some reason and I realized I got on the wrong one and was begging the driver to stop so I could get off but he said he couldn’t stop for the next hour and a half but I begged more and told him I got separated from my young daughter somehow so he finally stopped and when I got to the next station my daughter was already there waiting for me somehow. Then we ran into my dad and he was holding something in a navy blue towel and I’m like what’s that and he’s like “your new baby sister” and I’m like “another kid really!?? like you don’t have enough?” And he hands her to me and tells me her name is Saffron Wood, the first thing I notice is she’s still all covered in that white vernix from birth and I’m getting suspicious, next thing I notice is she has Down syndrome, next thing I notice is she’s A FUCKING BIRD!!! Apparently he kidnapped her after birth to keep her safe from her crazy mother .. well crazy mom shows up with the mob and takes out my dad , I’m still holding my bird sister and hop on the next train with her and my daughter and all of a sudden my mom is a few seats ahead of me. Everyone on the train is wearing MGK merch but they’re really weird and mean and zombie like and keep trying to break my sisters beak. One of them actually cracks it , and I hand her to my mom a few seats up to keep her safe. But then I notice my daughters missing … the mean fans had hid her under a seat , I pull her out and thought she was dead but she was fine. But Surprise! We’re on the wrong damn train again and some how have ended up in Berlin. ( I was supposed to be headed back to Pennsylvania, USA) . But at least my husband met us there. We’re about to get on another train but we’re out of money when all of a sudden I see Mod Sun and his bandmates. And I tell my husband “omg Mod Sun’s like the nicest guy on earth he’ll help us!” I go up to mod sun and I’m like “can you please help us get back to PA, Brennan ( Mods Guitarist) goes “fuck no, we’re on our way to Brazil!” But Mod’s like “wait lemme hear her story” so I break down the last 24 hours for him and he agrees to help. Brennan is pissed but whatever, Mod walks us to an old white convertible car on the roof of the train station and somehow DRIVES us from Berlin, Germany to Pennsylvania, USA. I immediately take my baby sister to the ER to get her beak checked out and I ask the doctor if she’s gonna be ok and he says “she’ll most likely never be able to return to the wild.” 🤣

[selfcareparker]

okay fghsgdj yes you can say girl ! my pronouns are she/her :) okay but fr pause, i read this like 3 minutes after you posted it (or at least my notif said 3mins lmao) bUT IM IN BED AND I USUALLY HAVE MY COMPUTER OPEN WITH YOUR RESPONSE SO I MAKE SURE I ADDRESS EVERYTHING AND THEN SEND IN THE ASK ON MY PHONE HDGSJSH anyway, time to get my ass up 😔 but wait i find you so funny like honestly, reading that cracked me all the way up. and i feel the “lol” thing so hard!!!! idk why i do it all the time (i’m tryna stop) but i’ll say something with lol at the beginning and lol at the end... it might be a defense mechanism at this point lol (😔) AND (i need to stop with the uppercase too it’s not funny anymore) I DONT KNOW WHY I LAUGHED SO HARD JDHSK WHEN YOU SAID ALSO AGAIN HAHAHAH LIKE UR HAHHAH also my sleep schedule is not pretty either lmao but i’m homeschooled so i never have to get up for anything? hhdhsis idk but i’m glad you slept!! you need sleep!!

also (pls no i cannot) why did i not know what ykwim meant until i reread this?? like it makes so much sense- anyway! i think it’s so cool that you’re excited for university! idk why but i do lol like you’re getting ready for the future (masters degree and all that) & you’re (maybe) going to england anyway so that’s cool haha (hopefully when you go you can see your relatives 🤞🏾)

the fact that you get happy seeing my asks i- 💓💓

you make me wanna go to London & England so bad urghhhh like i’ve only been out of the country once (to Canada for a family reunion) but it sounds so prettyyyyy & i’m so sorry that cov*d is messing everything up and i hope you can see your relatives soon :(

now to address the whole english speaking/writing: I FIND THAT SO WEIRD DUHSKSJ i don’t know how an english speaking person could say that if you don’t write it 100% grammatically correct.... that it’s wrong? when literally, over here at least, WE’RE SO GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT HAHHAAH in both the way we talk and write!! and lol you’re welcome,, AND THE PARAGRAPH DID MAKE SENSE HDHSJSH & your rant is fine because... that is actually a bit ??? bc no one writes with 100% grammar lol

OH MY GOSH (see this uppercase thing is addictive) YOU STUDIED LATIN FOR 6 YEARS??? that’s really cool 🥺 the way that you know/speak 3+ languages i- NOT EVEN 3+ LIKE 6+ (german, english, latin, french, serbian, italian, and everything that comes with latin lmao) even if it’s just a tiny bit like wowee. it is really fascinating!!! i had the opportunity to take latin and i... didnt. i took art instead BUT ONLY CUZ MY FRIENDS WERE IN THAT CLASS AND ART LOOKED FUN IM SORRY

PLEASE WHY DO YOU KNOW EVERYONE?? that sounds so fricking cool tell your mom (mum or mama it’s really fine lol) that she sounds awesome. i think Jamaica would be fun either way!! i mean it looks pretty from pictures? i was a baby so i honestly have no recollection hahaha

LMAOO NOT U SAYING THIS IS LONGER THAN SOME OF MY FICS- PLEASE GIRL IM TELLING YOU I VERBALLY LAUGHED HAHAHAHAHAH but yea you really don’t need to apologize i like reading everything you say 🥺 HDKSHS AND UR FINE WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT ME BEFORE uhhh hmm uhh lemme think i, well, i saw chaos walking yesterday (big tom holland fan over here) and it was alright.. my mom acted a fool at all the jump scares LMAO but it was funny... since i’m talking about movies (this is hella random i know) but i like shark movies HDKJSSJ my favorite is the meg (it’s so good ohmigosh) and the 47 meters down movies aren’t bad either... i have two younger brothers... iiiii AM IN LOVE WITH MUSIC PHEW anddd i’m homeschooled (i think i mentioned that lol) i think that’s a good amount ahahaha AND IM HUNGRY RN JDHSJ

now. please. let me address the edit. i just want you to know that.. when i talk about your fics and i finish them and everything i’m not looking for more? like obviously if you’re writing i’m gonna read it but you don’t need to feel pressured or anything (idk if you do) to put more fics out lol like they’re great and i’m just sending the praise bc i love the ones that are there :’) but i’m so happy you’re working through your writers block!!! yay so so happy for you!!! and PUHLEASE anything you write is fantastic, i feel the exact same way when i write but girl. you’re fine. it’s gonna be great. (idk if this made any sense but... okay)

(and my cousin calls her mom mama so it’s really okay hahah i even call my mom mama sometimes) (and where you got the number “16 sentences” beats me but i still cracked up) (is this me pretending i had tags? maybe) HAHAHAHA OK BYE ❤️❤️ why did this take me so long to send i have no clue, AND WHY AM I OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I SAID SHAJSHSJ ANYWAY BYE btw i love us too... like iconic // lovely anon 💓

me reading this:

also the dedication you put into sending me stuff— like with the laptop and phone and ahsksk 🥺🥺🥺

i’ll update you when i’ve started uni btw, i’m getting more and more excited every single day haha but i still have 3 weeks until it starts and even then I’ll obviously have to get used to it and everything, but you’re making me even more excited about it sksjshsg

yeah i wanna go to england too dkshsh let’s be sad together over the fact the we can’t travel eksjsh😔😭 but hopefully the wait will make it even better in the end <33 also i talk to loads of relatives over the phone at least once a week so it’s not too bad for me! but i miss their house 😭lmao

and i knowww snshsh so many native english speakers just make so many mistakes— and obviously i get that some things are slang but some things are simply wrong ajsh, the thing is no one has ever told me that my english is bad (i know it’s not bad anyway, but i’m still insecure) or no one has ever pointed out any mistakes, but yeah it’s mostly just insecurity dkshsg but yes thanks for saying what you said (previously as well as in this ask)😌🥰

Okay now for latin— girlll i don’t blame u for choosing art over latin esp. when all of your friends are doing art as well!! I’d choose art over latin as well lol skshsg but in year 6 we had to choose between latin and french, and at the time i didn’t like french? which was dumb of me and now i wanna learn french ekdhs but i don’t regret choosing latin at all bc if i properly learn french one day then i’ll already know understand loads of stuff (or at least some stuff lol) just thanks to latin 😌😌 but still, art>>>latin skskshshgs

I wanna watch chaos walking too!!! But i don’t get when/where/how it’s out lmao, cinemas are still closed here so i’ll either have to wait or find it somewhere online... il*egally 🥰 i don’t have high expectations at all btw but i like daisy and tom and the dog🥺 so i think i’ll enjoy it

GIRL SHARK FILMS SHARK FOLMS SKSJSHSHS okay so there are a few classics i haven’t watched yet, and also a few new ones that i haven’t seen yet BUT I LOVE SHARK FILMS SO MUCH SKSHSGSGSKK the first like proper shark film i ever watched was the shallows (which i like but my brain is still too small to comprehend what happened at the end (i mean i get it but i just can’t imagine it— idek if you’ve seen the film but skshhs)) and after watching it three times it does get a bit boring (but now whenever i see pictures or videos of big waves i’m just waiting for a shark to show up like come ON SKSJSG

^^^that pic/scene really traumatised me sksjsh but i still like the film

I only watched jaws like a few months ago, and i get that it’s a classic and also that it’s old and they just didn’t have the best.. equipment or special effects or whatever but i mean... look at meg and then look at jaws.... no disrespect to jaws at ALL but the meg is so much cooler. (That one scene on the boat where the shark just JUMPS OUT OF THE WATER AND SKSJSHHSUSJHA i get such a shock every time it’s so good (and the dog aww aksjshssli 🥺🥺🥰 and the boy with the ice cream lmao he’s iconic)

47 metres down, wow, i liked that film too. (i’ve only watched the original/first one i think) i mean that is such a fucking nightmare scenario like ALSJDHSNEMSKDJSHSJSKWBALSODUEWBSLDKHDJSNSKSKSHSGEBWKAISGSHEKEKSKLDJDJDHDHSHAGGA (that’s the best way i can express my feelings about that scenario lmao)

oh and i’ve recently been watching more horror films but i don’t know if they’re for me... I like the thrill and whatever but i just end up being scared for my life when i have to go to the bathroom at night or when i’m trying to sleep bc suddenly my mind is flooded with all the scary shit from the films 💀💀💀

and music i mean... you know those people who just don’t listen to music? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM???? i honestly like all genres especially in the last year, i am IN LOVE with Nicki Minaj + Megan andddd Stormzy and i like Harry Styles but i prefer his first solo album (and obviously one direction has bangers i have a throwback 1D session at least once a month), I also love MGK especially his new stuff and otherwise i mostly listen to german artists lmao. So who do you like?💖 (WHY DO I FEEL LIKE YOURE GONNA SAY SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKAHAGUS IF YOU LISTEN TO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MUSIC DONT JUDGE ME AJSHDJS) (i know you’re not gonna judge me but)

++ @ the thing you said about writing, don’t worry, i don’t feel pressured at all!!! (not by you and not by anybody else.. except myself sometimes lol) and i’m just very happy that you liked my fics 🥰🥰🥰 and if i start telling people that i’m writing a fic then sometimes it puts a bit of (healthy) pressure on me. like yes sometimes it really is writer’s block, but sometimes i really am just lazy ddkshhd so now that i’ve told you i’m writing a fic i might get my ass up quicker than i would if i hadn’t told anyone 😌😌😌

[logans-chestnuts]

As You Are, Part 8*

A/N: Finally posting this replacement part that the Nipple Police deemed too naughty for Tumblr. 

I am also replacing my awful banner with this gorgeous art by @giggleberts. Thank you, dearest!!!!!

Logan had sneaked away and called you just before your alarm was set to go off again. You only spoke for a few minutes but it reassured you that he was taking whatever you had seriously. This would have been the perfect time to cool things off and reconsider the cons of being together without the incredible heat that existed between you distracting you, but if he was weighing his options, apparently there were more pros than cons at this point.

And you were as infatuated as ever, but now with a little more knowledge of who he was and genuine affection added in to the mix. Logan was unlike any man you had ever met. He was funny, smart, sexy and so inappropriate. You should probably be offended by some of the things he had said to you but he was so damned cute about it. He could charm the panties off a nun with that mischievous smile, and if he added a wink the Mother Superior would probably join in for a threesome.

Yeah, you were in deep and getting deeper.

The morning flew by. You were busy with work and that was how you liked it. You had sent a few texts to Logan throughout the day but for the most part you had been buried in your cube with headphones on, researching and writing.

You had no plans for the weekend because you hadn’t returned calls or texts all week as you had been completely engrossed in Logan. That would need to change, of course. You had good friends and your life couldn’t be put on hold for a man, he would need to fit in with your friends and…oh my, your family. Could Logan behave around family?

You decided to do some grocery shopping and laundry that night. You couldn’t live on Chinese leftovers forever, though statistically they would spoil before they ran out.

Logan had said he would probably have to go out drinking after meetings as it was a cultural thing, so you figured you either wouldn’t talk to him much or he’d drunk dial you. You were kind of hoping for the drunk dial as you had a feeling Logan was hilarious when plowed.

Your phone rang as you had settled in on the couch with a book and you grabbed it and saw Future Husband. Why hadn’t you changed that yet?

“Hi Logan,” you answered happily.

“Hey, what’re you doing?”

“Reading and doing laundry. How’d you sleep?”

“Lousy. Weird dreams. You doing anything this weekend?”

“Nope.”

“Too bad you’re not doing me.”

“That is too bad. But there’s plenty of time for that when you get back,” you said cheerfully.

“I don’t have to be anywhere for a couple hours. Video chat?”

“I am not having video sex with you, Logan,” you answered matter-of-factly.

Logan laughed. “You know me so well. And we’ve only been together a couple months.”

“Four days.”

“Like I said, couple months and we still haven’t had sex.”

“I bet we have in your mind.”

“Like we haven’t in yours. Remember, I know what a dirty girl you are, now.”

“This is true. You do inspire some pretty lewd thoughts. In fact, I’m guessing that you’re doing one of my lewd thoughts even as we speak.”

“And what do you think I’m doing?”

“Hmmm whatever could you be doing?” you said as if you didn’t know perfectly well what his long, sexy fingers were doing.

“Oh no, gotta say it if you wanna see it.”

“Well, this isn’t video chat. And I wanna see it in person. So I can see up close and personal. And taste.”

“Y/N,” he groaned. “That is so hot. Your mouth has been driving me crazy. I keep picturing your lips wrapped around my cock and I get a hard-on wherever I am. And the way you rubbed your tongue…ughh it felt so fucking perfect.”

“That was just a quickie. Not my best work, to be honest.”

“Then I might die with my cock in your mouth.”

“Like hell. I have a lot of other plans for you, babe.”

“Oh God please tell me,” he said, his voice getting breathless.

“Rather show you.”

“I can’t believe I’m fucking stuck on another continent. Hop a plane. Seriously, I’ll buy you a ticket.”

“Do you know when you’ll be home yet?” you asked hopefully.

“No. Hopefully Tuesday or Wednesday. I need to play fucking etiquette games and they haven’t even told me what the problem is yet. I am so fucking frustrated.”

“I can’t imagine. So you should relax now. Talk to me. About anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yup.”

“Tell me what you’re wearing.”

You laughed and said, “Baggy t-shirt and gym shorts.”

“Panties?”

“Yes.”

“Describe.”

“Logan…”

“Youuuuu said anything. I wanna talk about your panties.”

“Fine. White cotton granny panties.”

“Bullshit, I didn’t see a single pair of white cotton in your underwear drawer.”

“Logan Delos! You went through my underwear drawer?”

“Y/N Y/L/N you thought I wouldn’t?”

“Eh. OK, good point. They’re purple boyshorts.”

“Nice.”

“And you, darling? What panties are you wearing?”

“Ha! I’m not.”

“OK underwear.”

“Still not. I don’t wear them to bed.”

“You did at my house.”

“What would you have done if I slept naked?”

“Run screaming.”

“So I kept ‘em on.”

“That was very considerate of you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Show me your tits.”

“Not that considerate.”

“It’s almost like you don’t care that I have my hand on my hard cock, stroking it and –”

“Logan!”

“Hmmmm?” he asked innocently.

“Did I mention that you have the biggest cock I’ve seen in person?”

“Noooo,” he groaned. “Good to know.”

“Yeah. You are going to stretch me out, baby.”

“Fuck yeah, you’re gonna be so tight.”

“I’m going to lick, kiss and bite every inch of your body.”

“I can’t wait to eat that pussy of yours. I’m gonna make you beg for my cock.”

“Mmmm how about I beg now?”

“Yeah lemme hear that, baby,” he groaned.

“Please, Logan, please fuck me with your big, hard cock. I wanna feel you inside me deeper than I’ve ever been fucked.”

“Aaahhh fuck Y/N baby gonna fuck you so hard,” Logan moaned, panting.

“I’m going to wrap my legs around you and hold you in me until I cum all over your cock.”

“Oh yeah baby, I wanna feel you cum while I pound that pussy.”

“Then I wanna feel all that hot cum inside me when you can’t take it anymore and you shoot your load in my wet pussy.”

Logan came then with a shout of your name and a series of loud groans.

“Goddamn Logan, you are so fucking hot. I have never wanted a man like I want you.”

“Fuck. There’s a load of cum all over me that says you’re the hot one.”

“I want it.”

“You’re going to get more than you can handle.”

“Now I wish it had been video chat. I want to see. What are you doing to me, Logan?”

“Hopefully making you as fucking horny as you make me,” he said, still a little short of breath.

“Well that goes without saying.”

“I didn’t hear you get off.”

“No, I want you to feel me get off the first time.”

“You trying to get me hard again?”

“You said you had a couple hours,” you answered mischievously. “And I do have this fantasy of riding your cock…”

“Scratch that, I don’t think I’m going to get soft to need you to get me hard again.”

“Mmmmm yummy,” you sighed. You listened to his breathing even out, could feel him relax after his orgasm.

“Was that true? About me being the biggest?”

“Oh God yes.”

“I’ll also be the best,” he said arrogantly.

“Of that I have no doubt.” you replied. “So we’re in bed together, you just came, I’m sure I did…what are we doing?”

“Shower. Possibly shower sex.”

“Then what?”

“I’m not a cuddler, Y/N.”

“You aren’t?” you asked in complete surprise.

“Nope.”

“Thennnnn…what was watching TV on the sofa with my head on your chest? And what was sleeping together without sex?”

Logan didn’t respond for a moment. “Huh. You turned me into a cuddler.”

“Really,” you said skeptically. “You seemed pre-loaded with a cuddle mod when I got you.”

“Nerd.”

“Cuddler.”

“I will cuddle with you after sex, but if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“I can live with that. Nobody else has to know that you’re sweet.”

“Sweet?? Fuck that, I am not sweet. I’m a cold-hearted manwhore,” Logan said, sounding offended. “If you think we’re gonna sync up our periods or something, you got the wrong guy.”

“Um, OK.”

“I gotta go clean up. Call ya back.”

“Ok –”

When your phone rang a bit later you let it go to voicemail. You weren’t in the mood for Logan’s constant resistance to any kind of feelings.

You texted a couple friends and found that they were out at a club celebrating a promotion. You quickly tossed your phone on the table to charge while you went and got dressed for clubbing.

You chose a skin-tight black mini skirt and red draped backless top with criss-crossed spaghetti straps in back and sky high red heels. Your makeup was perfect with winged eyeliner and bright red lippy. Your hair you left down in soft waves.

And just to be a bitch you took a full length selfie in front of your mirror and texted it to Logan with the message, Going out with friends. TTYL.

Logan’s first instinct when he got the text was to throw his phone across the room. Controlling that urge, he looked at you making a kissy face at the mirror and drew the conclusion that you were done with his bullshit. So much for ‘probably.’

Were you going to go find someone and bring him home to fuck because Logan had hung up on you? Logan’s next instinct was to go find someone to fuck and send you a pic. Two can play the selfie game.

Except…he didn’t want to go fuck someone else. You were in his blood, he wanted you. And he definitely didn’t want you fucking anyone else.

L: I’m sorry I was a dick and now you’re going out with your friends instead of talking to me. I deserve it. Have fun. You look beautiful.

You got the text in the back of the taxi on the way to the club. You would rather be home with Logan, or at least talking to him. But you knew that Logan would trample any woman who didn’t stand up to him once in a while. You refused to be a doormat no matter how crazy you were about him.

Y: Not here to serve you. I will have fun. Thanks for the compliment.

L: Babe…I don’t know what kind of temper you have yet, but I know what I’d do here and I’m gonna ask you not to.

Y: I know exactly what you’d do. And you’d send me a selfie while you did it. Right?

L: Yeah

Y: I’m not you.

L: I know

Y: TTYL

“Fuck!” Logan screamed in frustration. Why was this shit happening when he was 10 time zones away? He looked at the time and realized he had to get ready for a barbecue at the Aoki CEO’s home. He wanted to get on a plane and go grab you and drag you off to a deserted island so no other man could touch you or look at you.

He decided he needed to move the etiquette bullshit along. He needed to get home to his life now that he had a chance at one.

You didn’t have fun. You tried to dance with your friends and had a few too many drinks, even danced with a guy for a minute when he started dancing with you, but when he put his hands on your hips you pulled away and sat back down. His hands were wrong. You only wanted Logan’s hands on you.

You only wanted Logan.

Which was completely impractical and just begging for a broken heart. Why would you fall for the least suitable human on the planet to give you what you dreamed of: someone who would love you and think of you first thing when he wakes up and last thing before he goes to sleep, and all the rest of that romantic crap? He would never settle down with one woman.

It might be time to accept that and put him in the past.

“Hey,” your friend Kate said. “You’ve been quiet tonight. Who’s the guy?”

You smiled a little. Kate had known you since high school. You had roomed together at college and you were as close as sisters. Needless to say, Kate had been through every relationship you’d ever had with you and she could read you.

“I met him earlier this week.”

“And you’re already this sad? Honey, that doesn’t sound good.”

“I know.”

“Who is he? Where’d you meet him.”

You walked outside together so you could hear each other talk and you told her everything, ending with Logan’s diatribe of being a cold-hearted manwhore when you called him sweet, followed by his subsequent request that you not go fuck someone else for revenge.

“Well he sounds like a hot mess,” Kate said after a moment of silence.

You laughed way harder than the joke called for, letting out some of your pent up emotions. Then you walked over to another girl and paid her $10 for a cigarette and came back to a disapproving Kate.

“I’m completely, head over heels mad about him, Kate. I look at him and I see forever. And it’s ridiculous! I’m not like this!”

“No, you aren’t,” Kate said speculatively. “You don’t do impulsive. You never have. But this guy got to you.”

You nodded and said, “I have no idea what he sees in me. I am nothing like any of the women he usually dates. And he says that’s part of what attracted him. And I’m as mean to him as everyone else, so he knows I’m a smartass. He’s gorgeous and smart and funny and sexy and his smile is just perfection. He could get any woman he wanted. And he told me he’s been an asshole to women in the past. What about me would make him change that?”

“What about you wouldn’t? Maybe he sees what I do. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and brave and real! Plus I’m guessing he sees a few things I don’t. Coz I don’t want to have sex with you.”

You laughed a little at her joke.

“Sweetie, you’re more than enough for any man. Any issues that he has are his, not yours.”

“Thanks, but if I want to be with him and he pushes me away, pretty sure that’s about me.”

“No, not really. I mean, you said his family is messed up right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, we all know boys with Mama issues are nightmares.”

“Ha. Yeah we’ve both had our share of Mama’s boys.”

“But this is the opposite. He’s not running because nobody can love him like Mommy…he’s running before you can leave him, like Mommy did.”

You shrugged, “The results are the same. He runs and bangs any of the dozens of women that are available to him at any given time and I wind up with my heart in a million pieces because I actually care for the jackass.”

Kate put her arm around you and you laid your head on her shoulder. You still didn’t have a clue but at least you weren’t alone.

You decided to head home. Kate stayed outside with you until your Uber got there and hugged you and put you in the car with a promise to come by for coffee tomorrow.

You looked at you phone for the first time since you had arrived at the bar. There were a couple texts from Logan and one had an attachment. You opened the text and saw a selfie of Logan pouting with his lower lip stuck out

that had the caption, “I’m sorry :(“ and the body of the text said Unsolicited dick pic.

And you laughed.

L: Don’t give up on me yet

Y: Let me know when I should, OK?

Logan grabbed his phone from his pocket when he felt your text and relief flooded his body. Despite the faux pas of looking at his phone at a social event, he tapped out an answer.

L: Can’t say that I will. I think you’re too good for me.

Y: Don’t be a dumbass. I might love you some day.

L: I got downgraded from pretty sure, huh?

Y: When you get home I’ll let you make it up to me.

L: I plan to. You’ve been upgraded to pretty sure.

Y: Damn, shitty timing for you.

L: I’m sorry. I don’t mean to push you away.

Y: You do a fucking dead-on impression of it.

L: Are you still out?

Y: On my way home.

L: Already?

Y: This guy I really like hurt my feelings and put me in a shitty mood. Didn’t feel like dancing.

L: My girlfriend had a similar issue earlier.

Girlfriend?

Y:  WTF Logan you have a girlfriend??? You fucking asshole. I swear to Christ you keep finding new ways to destroy me. If you can tear me up this much in less than a week then your girlfriend has all my sympathy. Go fuck yourself. I am so done with you.

You powered your phone down and put it in your bag, utterly disgusted with the tears streaming down your cheeks.

L: Jesus Christ Y/N I meant YOU!! You are my girlfriend!!!!

Your Uber pulled up in front of your building and you climbed out and stormed into your apartment. You left your phone on the charger in the living room and then got ready for bed.

Your pillow smelled like Logan. You flung it across the room and slept fitfully without it.

[punchmedanny]

Chicago II July 25, 2018

Alright strap yourselves in cuz this is gonna be a long ass post WITH SPOILERS for Interactive Introverts. I will mark where spoilers begin if you want to read about pre show stuff. If you don't want any spoilers whatsoever, don't feel obligated to read this even if we're buddies! Feel free to send me an ask/dm instead 😅

Alright folks, let's go!

Playing the Waiting Game

I was supposed to get to the venue at 4 for m&g, but I got there before 3 because a) i'm terrified of being late and b) my uber driver made excellent time.

The venue was not open yet, so my bf and I walked to a nearby mall. We passed by the tour buses (presumably dnp's plus other performers'). There was a group of people hanging around them looking v stalkerish (please don't hang around the buses before the show)

We got back to venue around 3:50 and waited in line outside till 4 when the venue let us in. We were near the middle of the line, so if you want to be closer to the front, get there sooner lol

Turns out I was behind the lovely @noodlephil in line (although I didn’t know till after!)

Two internet friends were meeting for the first time and crying (it was adorable)

Inside, there was a table with staff that checked and marked our tickets then gave us silver paper wristbands

We got in a second line where we had a bag check (our venue allowed sealed water bottles, but that might vary) and were scanned by a wand metal detector. After that, staff scanned our tickets 

We went to a third line which was the actual line for m&g and were told the m&g itself would start around 4:30

Marianne came by and said we would be waiting a bit longer for "latecomers" (im p sure dnp were the latecomers because most people were there at that point haha)

Marianne walked like a frickin goddess and her voice was beautiful

She made a speech giving us a rundown of how m&g would work, which I recorded

The m&g area was set up in the lobby to the side of the theatre doors

Dan and Phil entered from our left (towards the back of the theate)

They jogged across the m&g backdrop where we could see them better and waved. Dan did the cutest bouncy jump ever while waving. He stayed out longer than Phil

There was a table to set your bag on as you approached the backdrop

The music was loud af and there was NO WAY to see or hear other people's m&g - it was v private even though there were tons of people

Marianne was at the very front of the line and asked what she could do to help. I was like uhhh (because I'm eloquent like that) and she asked if we had anything for them to sign. My bf had golf balls lmao and gave them to her. I said I wanted to take a Polaroid for them to sign. She had me turn the camera on because apparently they’d had issues with Polaroid cameras in the past

I thanked her for the way everything was being run and joked a bit while we waited

When it was our turn, the people in front of us were completely gone (I repeat: v private). Marianne gestured and verbally told us to go on in

Meeting Dan and Phil

Phil was wearing his red jacket and good vibes t-shirt just like the beginning of "week in the life" He welcomed us with open arms and I went in for the Phil Hug. Wow. Phil is an excellent hugger and his arms felt a lot stronger than I imagined. And, yes, he waited for me to let go first

As soon as I let go of Phil, I stepped to the side and and looked at Dan. He was wearing his II denim jacket over a white t-shirt. He also had his arms wide for a hug. And lemme tell you, that boi has a fuckin wingspan. Dan gave a more gentle hug than Phil and we let go at like the same time

I am not a hugger and wasnt even 100% sure before I went in that I would hug them tbh

After the hugs, I stepped back and took them both in that's what she said. My initial impression was confidence and class. Literally, the most confident people I've ever encountered irl

Everyone says they're tall, but they are, as my bf said, taller than advertised. He's 6'2 and still looked up to both of them. I feel like they're both close to the next inch up honestly

They are wide. Like we've all noticed the Phil is wide, but Dan is too! They are literal giants

The cameras do NOT do them justice. Phil looks his age irl and I mean that in the sexiest way possible. He does actually have pores and tiny wrinkles (gasp), but I think they only make him more attractive. He oozes understated masculinity. But he also has serious nerd energy and idgaf attitude. Basically, he seems kind of badass

Dan looked flawless. Like I know every so often people wonder about if he wears makeup and all imma say is either he does OR he has the best damn skin care routine and/or genetics ever. He looks like someone after they use a filter

I'd say dan is suave and phil has swagger

(I'm about to sound real fucking weird) They both had such strong auras or energy or whatever you want to call it. It was palpable and BIG - like it extended off of them a couple feet. Dan's felt more static-y, while phil's felt more like balloon about to burst. It merged together between them to where I couldn't tell where one stopped and the other started

Marianne handed Phil the golf balls and he and Dan just stared at them in his hand in confusion for a second then Phil said "golf balls?" before my bf explained it was because they were the caddy lads. They chuckled and Dan said it was "the only series that has any value"

I am now the proud (?) owner of photos and video of phil holding two balls in his hand and I feel really weird about it

Dan asked if I had anything for them to sign, so I told him I wanted to take a Polaroid to which Dan replied, "D'ya want me to attempt the rare Polaroid selfie?"

Then I actually gently teased Dan (!?!?) because I'm a little shit lol I said, "I successfully did one this morning, so I hope you can"

They both seemed mildly amused and he did the thing where he touched his chest lightly in mock offense and said, "Well, let's see"

Tbh I think this was why I got genuine smiles in my pic

Dan said, "Beautiful" and Phil said "Amazing" lol (it really was tho)

Dan described the signature he'd be doing as "the tiniest little dan" and he used the highest voice ever

Phil's signature was so bad im pretty sure dan laughed at it lmao

Dan offered another selfie with my phone (i love him)

I shook their hands before I left and they seemed surprised, but appreciative. They both had excellent handshakes: firm, but not too hard. They both had soft, warm hands with Phil's being about average and Dan's being warmer than average

Overall, they were incredibly kind and professional. The vibe to be was sort of like talking to a boss who isn't your direct boss at a work party: fun, but still guarded

The saying goes "Never meet your heroes," but whoever said that obviously never met dan and phil. This was one of my happiest memories of all time

1500+ word description of the meeting including a sommelier worthy account of how the boys smell

And here’s the (real shit) video of my m&g

The Pre-Show

After meeting the bois, we were immediately given our goodie bags (one of them was double stuffed, lucky me)

Staff asked if we’d be staying in the theatre or not. Upon telling them we’d be leaving, they let us know we’d need to scan out so we could re-enter later

We bought merch (tie-dye/marbled look tee, long sleeved tee, and denim jacket). The line was basically non-existant, so if you have VIP 100% get your merch at this time

We scanned out and were told we could re-enter at 6 along with general admittance ticket holders

We had dinner then got back around 6:10. There was no line this time and we went through security and ticket scanning again

There were so many people everywhere and everyone was so cute! Why are we such a good looking fandom??? The line for merch was EXTREMELY long. RIP those folks

So was the line for the restrooms (and multiple men’s rooms were turned into ladydoors women’s restrooms)

We got 2 drinks (both for me) then went to our seats. We were front and center - I could literally touch the stage with my shoe from my seat. At this time I met @phandommom and @crunchytoasted1

The pre-show music was loud af where I was seated (I actually put in ear plugs lol). Lots of people were dancing and I got to witness crunchytoast dance to “Ladydoor” live which was a treat. At one point various people were running across the theatre with various LGBT+ flags to plenty of cheers. ‘Twas glorious. People did the whole waving the phone flashlights thing and sang along during “Welcome to the Black Parade”

My bf got me 2 more drinks

Showtime! 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!

It was so, so weird to see them onstage after having the m&g. I legit wanted to climb onstage and like be close again, but, ya know, I didn’t cuz I know what’s socially acceptable

We were called Susan. Classic

Phil was wearing waffle socks. As in socks with tiny waffles all over them

We sacrificed Phil to Satan and Dan died in a furry nightclub

None of mine or my bf’s answers got chosen and I’m a bit salty lol

We sacrificed Dan (the only correct choice fite me)

At intermission the line for the bathrooms was sooooo long omg. I got myself 2 more drinks at this point and called @h-owllslide to gush about the show. I spilled one of my drinks on my bf a little when I sat back down.

Danny was 3 centimeters away from loosing his dick and he got paint on his shoe. He seemed legit irked lol

Nick Jonas was in Dan’s box, but I don’t recall the other two cuz that was the only one that mattered imo

I got a piece of the sign and when they threw it into the audience it was a bit disturbing how everyone tore into it like a swarm of pirahnas

They wore Cubs baseball shirts over their usual shirts during the rap/song finale which was absolutely precious. I LOVED the finale so fucking much - it was magnificent

END SPOILERS!!!

Closing Thoughts

I wish I hadn’t drank so much (6 wines for those of you keeping track at home). I was getting real embarrassing by the end (as in screaming excitedly too much/ too often) and I don’t remember it as clearly as I wish I did. I was just freaking tf out and my anti-anxiety meds weren’t cutting it

I was struggling incredibly hard not to disassociate the entire time

I wish I could go to another show. It was so fun!

The following day, I had a major mood drop. If you’re prone to this, maybe have a plan to hang with someone and do something nice, but lowkey the next day

This was literally the most fun thing I’ve done in at least two years and was one of my happiest memories ever. We’re talking patronus conjuring levels of happy

If you can go, go. If you can’t, don’t feel too bad. It was EXTREMELY intense and not for everyone (especially m&g). Plus they are putting it up later, which I’m looking forward to because I think I’ll be able to better absorb it

Please feel free to ask me anything about the show! I’d love to go on about it lol

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

5/7/17, 1:53am - and now taking time from my busy day to bring you the Tyler Blog

wow, it’s been a hot minute.

Whelp there’s a lot to write about and not a lot of memory in my life, so I’m just gonna give it a whirl and see how it goes.

First off, today I came one step closer to finally finding out where Sonic accurately ranks on my fast food tier list. I’ve eaten at sonic like maybe three times in my life tops, and two of them were today and last week. Last week got a burger and fries, today I got a chicken sandwich and onion rings. Now, I must say that to accurately rank Sonic I have yet to try their hot dogs, maybe even a fourth entree or something, but I can say with full confidence that Sonic is D tier fast food, C tier at best. Holy shit, man. Everything tastes like it’s been on the grill a little too long, gets that kinda burnt taste onto it. Which is charming in Cookout because it’s coupled with actually flavorful food and like higher quality burger patties and fluffy buns, but here it just kinda falls flat. Something about the bun, man. I love how they actually put some effort into putting it onto the grill, but the potato-bread consistency is gross and mushy and makes everything in the sandwich feel like mush to me. I think the real issue is the condiments might be too big relative to the meat? Or maybe it’s just bad. Eating this chicken sandwich today all I could think was “this is the wendy’s chicken sandwich if it were hungover as fuck.” Fries were alright, they’re like the dream fries you hope for during lunch in high school. The onion rings are Actually delicious, super sweet and crispy, pair well with the honey mustard, but almost too sweet to eat a whole bag of. I’m sure the tots are solid and I just feel spoiled by costco hot dogs how is shit so expensive everywhere else.

Alright I’m done with that shit lmao. So like...shit where do I even start? the past? The present? I was talking to jimmy about conceptualizing the dimensions and that neat little youtube video, and said something stupid like the past and future is all a constant, nothing matters. We were talking about the big bang and recursive progression into the destruction of the world until it collapsed and started over again. Who knows, man. Maybe nothingness is cool. 

Anyway let’s do a little personal assessment. I was doing excellent on my diet until like the last time I posted, then starting to live in gboro and wanting to try out places to eat there transitioned into going to visit the fam in VA to see my little brother’s performance and Darlin fed me way too much while I was there so I’m like off the wagon sort of lol. I was up to like 146 the other day, 143 when I checked like yesterday lemme run and weigh myself rq. Ate a bunch of pizza at work yesterday and fast food today, but I’m only at 145.0 in my work clothes. So that means I’m at like 143 with food weight, which means if I really really want to push it I could get back into a fast and trim off a a pound or two before lake week in 11 days. Sounds like a whole lotta effort and I’m not really feeling that much these days though. Looking super great, that’s what’s really important lol. Idk I kinda like fasting or at least dieting a little bit before I go somewhere I know I’m gonna be taking pics like mom’s or this because I always feel like I stuff myself and then I’ll take pictures like the one of me at thanksgiving that I’m embarassed by because of my tummy.

Whatever whatever, I’m looking great though, the point is I’m not really concerned as much anymore. Possibly a reflection of the change of scenery, maybe because I hit my goal and am satisfied, maybe it’s because I’m hopping on tinder again and a solid handful of girls are blowing me up, who knows. But that’s that.

Other part of the status update, yesterday... well. day before yesterday? Yeah I guess. Cinco de mayo was my randomly self declared last pack of cigarettes. See what had happened was I realized I wasn’t all that stressed out anymore about the moving thing now that things have been going so well, and my boss calls me in to stay late after work and have a meeting with him. He says I fucked up and didn’t respond to my patient quickly enough and was smelling like smoke and said that I could get fired and yadda yadda yadda irresponsible and shit. So i’m like yeah fine sure that makes sense, I don’t want people to die while I’m out taking a smoke break. I’m past the days of calling semi-reasonable-but-hypocritical shit bullshit to my boss’s face so I ate that shit up with a smile and decided that if I couldn’t smoke at my new job [still same old job, still just new location] then fuckit it’s not worth my time. I don’t need to be craving for it since i can’t do it. So I went to the store immediately afterward and meant to buy what I decided was going to be my last pack of cigarettes. The clerk wasn’t there for like 5 minutes me and some guy were laughing about him being asleep on the toilet or some shit, so I decided to just say fuckit and I swiped the pack instead of just deciding I didn’t need it lmao. Wrote a nice little greentext story to one of my group chats about how cigarettes make you a bad person but I’m not gonna copy it over too lazy. Anyway, I was straight chugging cigs with people that day. Had to balance my high out lmao  I was smoking all day with spencer and davis, played some ssx tricky [sucked balls. still hate ps2], did really meh at the tournament but had fun playing dubz with spencer. Kinda sad I didn’t hard carry him so that he wouldn’t hate dubz anymore but whatever. Had a nice little crew come over after and got to hang out with christian and michael for the first time in a long time. Might not see christian again now that he’s graduated. that shit’s so weird. Railed him in dubz with dylan for a long time too hahaha fuck that might be the last time I do that, too. Team This House went undefeated for like 30 games that night, we kicked some ass. Even if it’s not true I believe it now hahaha.

But yeah, so that’s the biggest status update of all. I was talking to Darlin and Mom about my living situation with Ashleigh and how great it was and they were asking me about my plans to move out. I was like damn, I hadn’t even thought about it. So I told them I wanted to try to be out by the end of the month and we’re gonna try to roll with that. Gonna see if they find a roommate and when they do I’m gonna get a storage unit, get my shit out of there and stop paying rent. Which is neat, I can throw that money to Ashleigh or my car or something. Pretty pumped to be a little more liquid tbh. 

I crashed in Ash’s bed this morning because she was laying on the couch when I got in, and I just laid there thinking “yknow it’s kind of strange that I’ve always felt more at home in someone else’s bed than my own.” I wonder if it’s completely true, even. My old high school bed was my mom’s, and even then I was always trying to have tons of people over to cuddle up with. Maybe That’s it, is when I’m alone in my own bed there’s no chance someone will get in with me on their own. I Was kinda hoping that ashleigh would want to jump into her bed with me too and we could just lay around together hahaha. Platonically, of course. I swear. I swear I swear. Not to you, random reader, but to myself. hahaha it’s super neat having a girl that’s just a friend, I feel like I haven’t had one of those in an eternity. Well I mean Irene I guess, but we’ve also never hung out alone. and there are plenty of friend’s gfs but that definitely doesn’t count.

Anyway so I’ll just transition out of that bit into describing life in greensboro I guess. I’ve only spent like two weeks here, Aaron called it a little staycation lol. The commute’s only like 24 mins, which is way better than the hour to or from raleigh. Ashleigh has a nice little one bedroom living room bathroom, and there’s a common area for the apartment with a kitchen and laundry. It’s honestly a little strange turning behind myself to lock the doors up, but I can jive with it. I mean Gboro is admittedly full of some jank. Not that any city isn’t.  A lot of my free time has been either laying around watching tv [should switch to tv and melee practice now that I’ve brought a setup over lol], or hanging out at will’s/chris’s/Geeksboro to play melee, or walking somewhere to get food, or eventually once Ash and Aaron get off work I’ll join them at bars for drinks. Those cuteys are so sweet, first of all, it seems like they really care about each other and I fucking love it. Also they constantly remind me of myself, which is weird, but I also love it. Like Aaron even knew how to play Gauntlet [which we played at boxcar for a while the other day], and that’s like one of the rarer Tyler traits. Also also I was out of sorts for a bit because they keep wanting to buy me drinks and shit all the time. At first I was like are they coddling me? are they trying to baby me? Am I a charity case? Am I just going to be an eternal bum? And I realized maybe. But then I realized more importantly they’re just doing what I would do and I fucking love it lmao. 

Like what really drove it home was the other night I went out on this netflix-n-chill date with this girl [more on that later], dropped her off, went out to meet Aaron. Ashleigh’s at home sick, so we’re drinking with our friends cory and... fk... matt? Gonna have to catch his name again I’m so fucking dumb. Anyway, Aaron buys us shots, i go out to smoke a cigarette, we were talking about drugs for a sec, he pops in and out and all of a sudden just tells me to hit up the bathroom and hands me ~a gram of coke hahahaha. For a second I was thinking “who the fuck Does that? I love this man.” and then I thought back to the last time Camille visited for New Years and the day me and her did molly I ended up giving a couple points to her brother for nothing and they were just flabbergasted at me. Gave them some excuse like “man, I don’t deal drugs” and just handed it to him hahaha. So I realized “oh yeah. *I* do that.” So then I realized that since they were both me they were perfect for each other and I’m really happy for them and now I kinda hope that Aaron turns into my slightly older brother figure that I get to bro out with all the time hahahaha. 

[logans-chestnuts]

As You Are, Part 8

 Pairing: Logan x Reader

Warnings: Language, Smut

Part 7

Logan had sneaked away and called you just before your alarm was set to go off again. You only spoke for a few minutes but it reassured you that he was taking whatever you had seriously. This would have been the perfect time to cool things off and reconsider the cons of being together without the incredible heat that existed between you distracting you, but if he was weighing his options, apparently there were more pros than cons at this point.

And you were as infatuated as ever, but now with a little more knowledge of who he was and genuine affection added in to the mix. Logan was unlike any man you had ever met. He was funny, smart, sexy and so inappropriate. You should probably be offended by some of the things he had said to you but he was so damned cute about it. He could charm the panties off a nun with that mischievous smile, and if he added a wink the Mother Superior would probably join in for a threesome.

Yeah, you were in deep and getting deeper.

The morning flew by. You were busy with work and that was how you liked it. You had sent a few texts to Logan throughout the day but for the most part you had been buried in your cube with headphones on, researching and writing.

You had no plans for the weekend because you hadn’t returned calls or texts all week as you had been completely engrossed in Logan. That would need to change, of course. You had good friends and your life couldn’t be put on hold for a man, he would need to fit in with your friends and…oh my, your family. Could Logan behave around family?

You decided to do some grocery shopping and laundry that night. You couldn’t live on Chinese leftovers forever, though statistically they would spoil before they ran out.

Logan had said he would probably have to go out drinking after meetings as it was a cultural thing, so you figured you either wouldn’t talk to him much or he’d drunk dial you. You were kind of hoping for the drunk dial as you had a feeling Logan was hilarious when plowed.

Your phone rang as you had settled in on the couch with a book and you grabbed it and saw Future Husband. Why hadn’t you changed that yet?

“Hi Logan,” you answered happily.

“Hey, what’re you doing?”

“Reading and doing laundry. How’d you sleep?”

“Lousy. Weird dreams. You doing anything this weekend?”

“Nope.”

“Too bad you’re not doing me.”

“That is too bad. But there’s plenty of time for that when you get back,” you said cheerfully.

“I don’t have to be anywhere for a couple hours. Video chat?”

“I am not having video sex with you, Logan,” you answered matter-of-factly.

Logan laughed. “You know me so well. And we’ve only been together a couple months.”

“Four days.”

“Like I said, couple months and we still haven’t had sex.”

“I bet we have in your mind.”

“Like we haven’t in yours. Remember, I know what a dirty girl you are, now.”

“This is true. You do inspire some pretty lewd thoughts. In fact, I’m guessing that you’re doing one of my lewd thoughts even as we speak.”

“And what do you think I’m doing?”

“Hmmm whatever could you be doing?”

“Oh no, gotta say it if you wanna see it.”

“Well, this isn’t video chat. And I wanna see it in person. So I can see up close and personal. And taste.”

“Y/N,” he groaned. “That is so hot. Your mouth has been driving me crazy. I keep picturing your lips wrapped around my cock and I get a hard-on wherever I am. And the way you rubbed your tongue…ughh it felt so fucking perfect.”

“That was just a quickie. Not my best work, to be honest.”

“Then I might die with my cock in your mouth.”

“Like hell. I have a lot of other plans for you, babe.”

“Oh God please tell me,” he said, his voice getting breathless.

“Rather show you.”

“I can’t believe I’m fucking stuck on another continent. Hop a plane. Seriously, I’ll buy you a ticket.”

“Do you know when you’ll be home yet?” you asked hopefully.

“No. Hopefully Tuesday or Wednesday. I need to play fucking etiquette games and they haven’t even told me what the problem is yet. I am so fucking frustrated.”

“I can’t imagine. So you should relax now. Talk to me. About anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yup.”

“Tell me what you’re wearing.”

You laughed and said, “Baggy t-shirt and gym shorts.”

“Panties?”

“Yes.”

“Describe.”

“Logan…”

“Youuuuu said anything. I wanna talk about your panties.”

“Fine. White cotton granny panties.”

“Bullshit, I didn’t see a single pair of white cotton in your underwear drawer.”

“Logan Delos! You went through my underwear drawer?”

“Y/N Y/L/N you thought I wouldn’t?”

“Eh. OK, good point. They’re purple boyshorts.”

“Nice.”

“And you, darling? What panties are you wearing?”

“Ha! I’m not.”

“OK underwear.”

“Still not. I don’t wear them to bed.”

“You did at my house.”

“What would you have done if I slept naked?”

“Run screaming.”

“So I kept ‘em on.”

“That was very considerate of you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Show me your tits.”

“Not that considerate.”

“It’s almost like you don’t care that I have my hand on my hard cock, stroking it and –”

“Logan!”

“Hmmmm?” he asked innocently.

“Did I mention that you have the biggest cock I’ve seen in person?”

“Noooo,” he groaned. “Good to know.”

“Yeah. You are going to stretch me out, baby.”

“Fuck yeah, you’re gonna be so tight.”

“I’m going to lick, kiss and bite every inch of your body.”

“I can’t wait to eat that pussy of yours. I’m gonna make you beg for my cock.”

“Mmmm how about I beg now?”

“Yeah lemme hear that, baby,” he groaned.

“Please, Logan, please fuck me with your big, hard cock. I wanna feel you inside me deeper than I’ve ever been fucked.”

“Aaahhh fuck Y/N baby gonna fuck you so hard,” Logan moaned, panting.

“I’m going to wrap my legs around you and hold you in me until I cum all over your cock.”

“Oh yeah baby, I wanna feel you cum while I pound that pussy.”

“Then I wanna feel all that hot cum inside me when you can’t take it anymore and you shoot your load in my wet pussy.”

Logan came then with a shout of your name and a series of loud groans.

“Goddamn Logan, you are so fucking hot. I have never wanted a man like I want you.”

“Fuck. There’s a load of cum all over me that says you’re the hot one.”

“I want it.”

“You’re going to get more than you can handle.”

“Now I wish it had been video chat. I want to see. What are you doing to me, Logan?”

“Hopefully making you as fucking horny as you make me,” he said, still a little short of breath.

“Well that goes without saying.”

“I didn’t hear you get off.”

“No, I want you to feel me get off the first time.”

“You trying to get me hard again?”

“You said you had a couple hours,” you answered mischievously. “And I do have this fantasy of riding your cock…”

“Scratch that, I don’t think I’m going to get soft to need you to get me hard again.”

“Mmmmm yummy,” you sighed. You listened to his breathing even out, could feel him relax after his orgasm.

“Was that true? About me being the biggest?”

“Oh God yes.”

“I’ll also be the best,” he said arrogantly.

“Of that I have no doubt.” you replied. “So we’re in bed together, you just came, I’m sure I did…what are we doing?”

“Shower. Possibly shower sex.”

“Then what?”

“I’m not a cuddler, Y/N.”

“You aren’t?” you asked in complete surprise.

“Nope.”

“Thennnnn…what was watching TV on the sofa with my head on your chest? And what was sleeping together without sex?”

Logan didn’t respond for a moment. “Huh. You turned me into a cuddler.”

“Really,” you said skeptically. “You seemed pre-loaded with a cuddle mod when I got you.”

“Nerd.”

“Cuddler.”

“I will cuddle with you after sex, but if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“I can live with that. Nobody else has to know that you’re sweet.”

“Sweet?? Fuck that, I am not sweet. I’m a cold-hearted manwhore,” Logan said, sounding offended. “If you think we’re gonna sync up our periods or something, you got the wrong guy.”

“Um, OK.”

“I gotta go clean up. Call ya back.”

“Ok –”

When your phone rang a bit later you let it go to voicemail. You weren’t in the mood for Logan’s constant resistance to any kind of feelings.

You texted a couple friends and found that they were out at a club celebrating a promotion. You quickly tossed your phone on the table to charge while you went and got dressed for clubbing.

You chose a skin-tight black mini skirt and red draped backless top with criss-crossed spaghetti straps in back and sky high red heels. Your makeup was perfect with winged eyeliner and bright red lippy. Your hair you left down in soft waves.

And just to be a bitch you took a full length selfie in front of your mirror and texted it to Logan with the message, Going out with friends. TTYL.

Logan’s first instinct when he got the text was to throw his phone across the room. Controlling that urge, he looked at you making a kissy face at the mirror and drew the conclusion that you were done with his bullshit. So much for ‘probably.’

Were you going to go find someone and bring him home to fuck because Logan had hung up on you? Logan’s next instinct was to go find someone to fuck and send you a pic. Two can play the selfie game.

Except…he didn’t want to go fuck someone else. You were in his blood, he wanted you. And he definitely didn’t want you fucking anyone else.

L: I’m sorry I was a dick and now you’re going out with your friends instead of talking to me. I deserve it. Have fun. You look beautiful.

You got the text in the back of the taxi on the way to the club. You would rather be home with Logan, or at least talking to him. But you knew that Logan would trample any woman who didn’t stand up to him once in a while. You refused to be a doormat no matter how crazy you were about him.

Y: Not here to serve you. I will have fun. Thanks for the compliment.

L: Babe…I don’t know what kind of temper you have yet, but I know what I’d do here and I’m gonna ask you not to.

Y: I know exactly what you’d do. And you’d send me a selfie while you did it. Right?

L: Yeah

Y: I’m not you.

L: I know

Y: TTYL

“Fuck!” Logan screamed in frustration. Why was this shit happening when he was 10 time zones away? He looked at the time and realized he had to get ready for a barbecue at the Aoki CEO’s home. He wanted to get on a plane and go grab you and drag you off to a deserted island so no other man could touch you or look at you.

He decided he needed to move the etiquette bullshit along. He needed to get home to his life now that he had a chance at one.

You didn’t have fun. You tried to dance with your friends and had a few too many drinks, even danced with a guy for a minute when he started dancing with you, but when he put his hands on your hips you pulled away and sat back down. His hands were wrong. You only wanted Logan’s hands on you.

You only wanted Logan.

Which was completely impractical and just begging for a broken heart. Why would you fall for the least suitable human on the planet to give you what you dreamed of: someone who would love you and think of you first thing when he wakes up and last thing before he goes to sleep, and all the rest of that romantic crap? He would never settle down with one woman.

It might be time to accept that and put him in the past.

“Hey,” your friend Kate said. “You’ve been quiet tonight. Who’s the guy?”

You smiled a little. Kate had known you since high school. You had roomed together at college and you were as close as sisters. Needless to say, Kate had been through every relationship you’d ever had with you and she could read you.

“I met him earlier this week.”

“And you’re already this sad? Honey, that doesn’t sound good.”

“I know.”

“Who is he? Where’d you meet him.”

You walked outside together so you could hear each other talk and you told her everything, ending with Logan’s diatribe of being a cold-hearted manwhore when you called him sweet, followed by his subsequent request that you not go fuck someone else for revenge.

“Well he sounds like a hot mess,” Kate said after a moment of silence.

You laughed way harder than the joke called for, letting out some of your pent up emotions. Then you walked over to another girl and paid her $10 for a cigarette and came back to a disapproving Kate.

“I’m completely, head over heels mad about him, Kate. I look at him and I see forever. And it’s ridiculous! I’m not like this!”

“No, you aren’t,” Kate said speculatively. “You don’t do impulsive. You never have. But this guy got to you.”

You nodded and said, “I have no idea what he sees in me. I am nothing like any of the women he usually dates. And he says that’s part of what attracted him. And I’m as mean to him as everyone else, so he knows I’m a smartass. He’s gorgeous and smart and funny and sexy and his smile is just perfection. He could get any woman he wanted. And he told me he’s been an asshole to women in the past. What about me would make him change that?”

“What about you wouldn’t? Maybe he sees what I do. You’re beautiful and smart and funny and brave and real! Plus I’m guessing he sees a few things I don’t. Coz I don’t want to have sex with you.”

You laughed a little at her joke.

“Sweetie, you’re more than enough for any man. Any issues that he has are his, not yours.”

“Thanks, but if I want to be with him and he pushes me away, pretty sure that’s about me.”

“No, not really. I mean, you said his family is messed up right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, we all know boys with Mama issues are nightmares.”

“Ha. Yeah we’ve both had our share of Mama’s boys.”

“But this is the opposite. He’s not running because nobody can love him like Mommy…he’s running before you can leave him, like Mommy did.”

You shrugged, “The results are the same. He runs and bangs any of the dozens of women that are available to him at any given time and I wind up with my heart in a million pieces because I actually care for the jackass.”

Kate put her arm around you and you laid your head on her shoulder. You still didn’t have a clue but at least you weren’t alone.

You decided to head home. Kate stayed outside with you until your Uber got there and hugged you and put you in the car with a promise to come by for coffee tomorrow.

You looked at you phone for the first time since you had arrived at the bar. There were a couple texts from Logan and one had an attachment. You opened the text and saw a selfie of Logan pouting with his lower lip stuck out that had the caption, “I’m sorry :(“ and the body of the text said Unsolicited dick pic.

And you laughed.

L: Don’t give up on me yet

Y: Let me know when I should, OK?

Logan grabbed his phone from his pocket when he felt your text and relief flooded his body. Despite the faux pas of looking at his phone at a social event, he tapped out an answer.

L: Can’t say that I will. I think you’re too good for me.

Y: Don’t be a dumbass. I might love you some day.

L: I got downgraded from pretty sure, huh?

Y: When you get home I’ll let you make it up to me.

L: I plan to. You’ve been upgraded to pretty sure.

Y: Damn, shitty timing for you.

L: I’m sorry. I don’t mean to push you away.

Y: You do a fucking dead-on impression of it.

L: Are you still out?

Y: On my way home.

L: Already?

Y: This guy I really like hurt my feelings and put me in a shitty mood. Didn’t feel like dancing.

L: My girlfriend had a similar issue earlier.

Girlfriend?

Y:  WTF Logan you have a girlfriend??? You fucking asshole. I swear to Christ you keep finding new ways to destroy me. If you can tear me up this much in less than a week then your girlfriend has all my sympathy. Go fuck yourself. I am so done with you.

You powered your phone down and put it in your bag, utterly disgusted with the tears streaming down your cheeks.

L: Jesus Christ Y/N I meant YOU!! You are my girlfriend!!!!

Your Uber pulled up in front of your building and you climbed out and stormed into your apartment. You left your phone on the charger in the living room and then got ready for bed.

Your pillow smelled like Logan. You flung it across the room and slept fitfully without it.

Part 9

@drinix @giggleberts