#it's finals week and everythign is bad

[antlering]

i know in most grad programs you’re expected to get a 4.0, but here in this household i just yelled and closed my whole browser by accident because i got an 85% on an econometrics problemset, the 1st time i’ve gotten above a C in this class this whole damn semester

[blursed-ninjago-ideas]

So I wrote a Djinn!Jay thing cause I had the inspiration to do it.

--

Nya really should’ve realized that they were going to have problems when she found Kai sleeping on her bedroom floor.

He gave her a vague non-answer and left, but she didn’t really think too hard about it. They had bigger problems after all.

“How are you holding up?” Nya asked.

Jay didn’t respond, he just continued to look miserable.

“That good huh?” Nya asked.

“I just….I really want to go back to normal.”

“We’ll figure it out.” Nya assured him.

“Being a djinn isn’t the worst thing that could’ve happened.” Cole said

Jay glared.

“Hey, if you can’t be our ‘Mr. Positive thinking’ then I’ll fill in for now.” Cole said with his mouth full.

“Could we W word it better?” Lloyd asked, already flitching.

“ABSOLUTELY NOT! WISHING MAKE EVERYTHIGN WORSE!” Jay screamed.

“It was just a thought!” Lloyd said in defense, but he was already backing away.

“It was a bad thought!” Jay snapped.

“Be nice!” Zane said “He only wanted to help.”

“Wishing doesn’t help anything.” Jay said in a pout.

“You got any ideas Kai?” Nya asked while rubbing Jay’s back.

“Huh?” Kai asked, lifting his head for the first time since breakfast started.

“I asked if you had any ideas.” Nya repeated, now suspiciously.

“Not really.” Kai said, rubbing his eyes.

“Did you sleep poorly?” Zane asked.

“Did any of us sleep well?” Kai asked.

And that was the end of it.

Until The next morning when he fell behind in training. He dismissed it as being tired and off his game.

He dismissed it when Zane found him awake and staring at the wall in the middle of the night.

He changed the subject when Jay noticed that he hadn’t seen him go to bed.

He told Cole he must’ve been dreaming when he swore he heard Kai whimpering in the night.

He told Lloyd not to worry when he asked about the heavy bags under his eyes.

After a week of it, Nya was sick of Kai’s excuses. She was ready to spike his breakfast with truth tea, but the answer to what was happening finally came in the middle of the night.

They all jolted awake to the sound of Kai screaming at the top of his lungs. They ripped the door off its hinges as they burst into his room.

They didn’t find any danger though, they just found Kai, tossing in his sleep and crying. The all ran over to wake him up. When they finally got him awake, he continued to sob and hiccup. He kept muttering Nya’s name and clung onto her tightly while he tried to get enough oxygen.

Nightmares.

It had been nightmares. Every night. No stop. Horrifying and enough to make his start to avoid sleeping.

After they got him wrapped up in the fluffiest blankets they could find and made him a warm cup of hot chocolate. They piled themselves around him and demanded he talk about it before they’d release him from the comfort pile.

“I keep… It’s Nya.” He finally said. “Ever since we all got our memories from that other timeline I just… I keep….”

He started to cry again.

“She died!” he yelled. “And I was….I was so useless for the whole thing I… Nadakhan just….he tricked me so easily and….and I was… I am worthless….I couldn’t even.”

He was panting and crying again, despite everyone trying to sooth him, he was sobbing even harder.

“I keep seeing her die!”

“Hey! HEY!” Nya yelled over his crying. “I’m right here! I’m fine! It’s ok!”

Kai just shook his head and kept crying.

They spent the rest of the night trying to assure him and after hours and hours, they seemed to get through to him.

Which was what made it hurt so much to hear him wake up screaming again the next night.

They finally knew why Kai wasn’t sleeping and what was bothering him, but they weren’t any closer to helping him with it. It went on for another week and a half. Kai just kept getting worse and worse. He was hardly sleeping at all, and when he did, it was fitful and unpleasant. Nya tried sleeping with him and it seemed to help a little bit, but it was far from a solution. Putting him on sleeping pills just made him have more nightmares

He cut himself while trying to cut his food in his sleep deprived state. His hand was bandaged, and Zane cut his food for him, which didn’t help Kai’s mood.

After two weeks of it, Wu was trying to help Kai meditate to deal with his night terrors while the rest of the ninja had their own meeting to problem solve.

“This is so not what we need right now.” Jay moaned.

“We have to do something” Lloyd said.

“We’ve tried everything we can think of!” Cole said.

“Look.” Zane said. “We all know Kai doesn’t do when he feels like a failure, and we know that since Nya is his only family, he’s paranoid about losing her. He just….He’s dealing with all her worst fears being a reality. This isn’t something that we can just fix.”

Nya was ready to cry herself. She’d been watching her brother suffer like never before and felt so powerless to fix it.

“I just… I wish he didn’t remember all the awful things he went through in the alternate timeline.” Nya said ruefully.

“You wish is your heart’s to keep” Jay said, then switched to yelling “NYA!!!!! WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?!?”

Nya flinched.

“Sorry Jay! I wasn’t even thinking!” she said, while cringing.

Jay huffed and paced.

“Well maybe it won’t be bad?” Lloyd asked.

“OF COURSE, IT’S GOING TO BE BAD! THAT’S HOW WISHES WORK!” Jay yelled.

“Well we can’t do anything about it now. Let’s just keep and eye on him and deal with the consequences when they come.” Cole said.

Except they didn’t.

Kai didn’t remember why Wu was helping him mediate one on one but didn’t really ask. Wu mentioned that he suddenly was doing much better and Kai shrugged it off. It felt like he was forgetting something important, but it also felt like whatever it was, was better left forgotten.

He was the most tired he’d been in his life though. He decided to take a nap, briefly telling the others what he was doing (What was with the weird looks they were giving him?) and went to his room to sleep.

Kai slept for almost two entire days and inhaled the meal Zane made for him when he woke up. After that, he felt great.

Everyone was giving him weird looks but refused to say anything. Finally, Jay asked him what he remembered about the other timeline.

Kai thought for a moment and tilted his head.

“It’s weird.“ he said “I can remember most of what happened, but I don’t….I don’t remember doing it.”

“What do you mean?” Jay asked.

“Well like….I know we fought a djinn and that he framed us. I know he split us apart and that you had to face off against him alone. I know he was trying to marry Nya and that you stopped him with your last wish and undid everything, but I don’t remember what I did or where I was. It’s almost like it’s a story I got told, not something I lived through. I don’t even remember how he tricked me into making any wishes. I don’t even remember what they were, just that it happened.” Kai explained, looking at the wall in thought. “It’s weird. But I guess memories of an erased timeline don’t have to follow normal rules.”

Kai shrugged and asked Jay why he wanted to know. Jay changed the subject.

Kai had exactly one more nightmare, but he couldn’t remember what it was about when he woke up.

Maybe Wu had a point about it being a gift. Perhaps it wasn’t the wishes themselves that were evil. Maybe Nadakhan was just a jerk.

--

-Ivy

[allonsy-yesiwill]

First Christmas Break

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five | Part Six | Part Seven | Part Eight | Part Nine | Part Ten | Part Eleven | Part Twelve | Part Thirteen | Part Fourteen |

Drabble

Summary: You just got a job working for a new show called Supernatural, you’re life is going to change in so many ways.

Pairing: It’s from the readers POV, it’s going to be a slow burn but I am not sure what way it’s going to go...I mean I probably am cause you know I gotta type but we will see. 

You were so happy to be home, you didn’t tell Chris you got done earlier than planned. however, the pressure of your relationship was obvious to the cast and crew so they did everything they could to get you out by Thursday late morning. You were excited to spend the next weeks with just you and Chris and hopefully find your way back together. 

“Baby, I am home,” you call walking into the house. 

Chris is walking down the stairs. You thought he would be happy to see you. This is the longest time you had been away since the job started not coming home for the past 5 weeks. 

“Oh hey I was just headed out,” Chris said. 

“Um, I just got home.” 

“Yeah, and you aren’t going out looking like that with me.” 

“What?”

“And actually did you start going to the gym like we talked about because if I am honest, it looks like you're a size bigger. We talked about this Y/N.”

“What?”

There was a conversation you had last time you were home. He noticed that you were a little bit more fluffy, it wasn’t a bad conversation. After having sex, he made a comment about the fluffiness and transitioned into asking if you were stress-eating. You were honest and said yes. You really felt like he was looking out for your health. 

“Look Y/N, I told you I had plans with the boys tonight,” he said walking over and planting a kiss on your cheek, “I will see you when I get home.” 

“Wait you are going out, I just got home,” you walk after him. He doesn’t say anything just shut the door you didn’t know what happened. 

You weren’t too sure how long you stood there, just lost in everything that had happened. Your phone ringing brings you back into reality.

“Hello,” it’s barely a whisper. 

“Un Y/N are you okay,” Jared's voice fills your head follows. 

“What’s going on Y/N,” it’s Jensen's voice this time. 

“Uh I don’t know, he just left. Said he had plans and he would see me later.”

Jensen took control of the conversation, asking what you were doing and talking you thought basic things like breathing, drinking water and then finally eating some food. Your conversation had carried on for at least 90 mins now. 

“Y/N, do you want us to come down there,” Jensen asks. 

“I already told you no. We need to figure this out, I am going to sleep in the guest room and we will talk tomorrow.” 

“Okay Y/N, our flight doesn’t leave till late tomorrow so let us know if you need anything,” Jared said this time. 

“Thank you, boys, have a good break.”

“You too Y/N.”

The 5 weeks you spent not coming home had allowed you to get closer to the cast and crew. Jared and you were both working out on set in the morning and he asked why you were now a 5 am gym person. You told him the story, and while you didn’t see it at the time both of the boys started to pay more attention to you. After hearing the reason for your new gym habit was caused by what your husband said, Jared wanted to make sure you were safe. 

Next Part

Series Masterlist

Everythign Else

[mytrashs-blog]

Alter Ego ch. 4 “Perficiendi”

Spideychelle, Peter Parker x Reader, slow burn fic, Enhanced reader.

Word Count: 2,388

Warnings: PTSD, men being trash, terrible coping mechanisms

Summary: “When you can do the things that I can, but you don’t, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.”

A/N: Made it to the 4th chapter! Yay!! This one is a chill one, I like to say this is the calm before the storm, and you really don’t know what ya got comin’ but yeah, I gotta keep encoraging you to Reblog!! This!! Post!! because that’s how we keep ‘em comin’ and also leave the comments, they make me very happy. If you wanne be part of the taglist, shoot me an ask! :)xx

Ch. 3 “Ipsum Invenies”

It really was a simple design, kind of like the one Spider-man wore, red, blue and a few details in black. You wanted it to be like your male counterpart, a one piece with a mask covering all of your face, plus you needed to solve the eye problem, cause you’ve realized that it’s annoying at some extent to see as wide as you do, so you want to solve this to be able to concentrate in what’s more important.

The doing was the complicated part, because though you had a bit of knowledge in how to make clothes for some clubs you were in during middle and high school, you have no idea how to make a superhero suit. For starters: What kind of fabric is flexible and bulletproof, and super resistent to knives and all kind of lethal weapons? What is Spider-man’s suit made of anyway? So many unanswered questions. In the end you settled for high resistance spandex and a ton of cosplay tutorials on Pinterest and YouTube.

The first prototipe was ready in three days, but the final version, the one in which you could run, jump and everythign else took two weeks to perfect. But of course you wanted to know how to fight, so you enrolled on the gym for some boxing classes and your mother loved the idea, for it was a way for you to defend yourself if you were ever in a traumatic situation again. You really don’t wanna know how she’d react if she knew what you’re planning to do.

The spiderweb was a lot more complicated, where does Spider-man get that thing from? You know that this would be awfully easier if you had a Tony stark to pay for all your toys, but for now, all you have is Lexi: biochemistry student, roomie and very close friend. She offers her help to develpo the webs, one that’s resistent and can carry tons of weight, on the last minute you come up with the idea of infusing the web with a sedative that activates on contact, to avoid the prey from getting rif of it. That process took a lot of work and time aswell.

It took two long months for you to feel ready to go through with your revenge but even after that, you couldn’t quite find the uber driver, at some point you question if it’s even worth it, even google has its limits and it won’t present you an adress just like that. And that’s when it gets really hard. Your idea is to hack into Uber’s database to get the adress. If the police didn’t even go after him, maybe he didn’t run away.

Your college is very big, you know a lot of people, but since you went missing in the middle of exams season, everyone is very busy and it’s hard to find someone available to help you hack a likely vey protected site, but you try regardless. It takes about 15 calls and hundreds of unanswered texts, but you finally get a very nice nerd to teach you how to do the dirty job, because you really didn’t want to tell him what you were planning.

You had to begin your infiltration from a strange computer, in a place far away from your apartment and with a VPN adress, to be untraceable, hard work, but your nerd friend taught you everything you needed and it wouldn’t take more than 5 minutes to do it.

The codes you have to write in are long, the ones you have to get rid of are hard to find, but you enhanced senses can do it faster than you’d ever imagined, before the incident you would’ve never been able to do it, while your thoughts drift away, you make it inside Uber’s database, you search for the information you need. You don’t type in his name, that would have made it easier for the page to identify it’s been hacked, but once you find it you take a picture of the screen eith the phone your mom insisted on buying for you and you get out of the page they way your nerd friend tol you. You’re safe.

You get out of the place, but you leave the laptop there, you figured it’d be better of someone steals it, that way it’s impossible to trace it to you. You walk to a bus stop to get back home, you don’t even consider taxis or anything else for transport anymore.

You put on your earphones while you get on the public transport, after playing some music from your phone, you decide to take a look at the data you gathered, when you open it you realize that apart from the data of the man, there’s a picture of him, looking at it takes you back to that same face looking at you like an animal about to attack, his hands touching you, his weight over your body, the puch with the baseball bat, you remember everything he made you live in a second and suddenly you’re gripping the metal bar in front of your seat with all your strenght, you feel the metal giving in under your muscles, molding to the shape of your closed fist over it. You let go.

You have tears in your eyes and the person beside you looks at you concerned, scared even. You get off the bus the second it stops and you run, you run as fast as you can in the direction of your apartment, images attacking you like flashes in a dark room, you don’t want to see it, you speed up and everything around you is a blur, except for the images in your mind, when they stop coming you start slowing down until you stop too. You’re one block away from your apartment, but you can’t, you crumble and start ccrying again. All these new abilities and none of them can help you forget. You cry until the sun starts setting, you’re still sitting on the cold pavement of the street, people walk by and they stare at you, but frankly you couldn’t care less, after a while Lexi calls.

“Hey…”

“Where are you? Everything alright?”

“I’m one block away, I was doing some stuff but I’m almost there now.”

“Okay, I ordered pizza”

“Okay.” The conversation is flat, no feelings there, maybe Lexi sounded a bit worried, lately it seems like she’s treating you like you’re a fragile piece of china that’s about to fall off a shelf, always treating you with tenderness and waryness, it’s annoying but understandable. Paola also had to endure your dissapearance, she had to go to the police only to be ignored, no one even bothered in telling her how the search was doing and she had to be in the apartment by herself, with all your stuff as a constant reminder that you were still gone.

You get up and walk back home, you don’t notice but you’re still trembling for the emotional crisis, so much that when you try to get the key in the door you simply can’t and you get so frustrated that you end up punching the wall, you get worried you might have broken it, but it’s safe for now, it’s just a small crack on it. Lexi opens the door a few seconds after.

“Did you get the info?”

“Yeah. We have to confirm the adress, so we have to go there a couple times to check it’s the right one and we’ll go from there.”

“Alight. There’s the pizza.”

“Thanks… Would you mind coming with me to check the adress? I don’t think seeing him again by myself is a good idea just yet.” Yous ask, eyes glued to the table, avoiding any kind of eye contact.

“Sure. When do you wanna go?”

“Tomorrow.” You finish. Lexi nods and goes in her room.

After finishing your dinner you go to bed, you’d never admit it, but since you came back home, sleeping is the hardest thing to do, you always have nightmares, all the things you’d rather forget come back to you every night. And each time, you lay there, looking at the ceiling until you fall asleep and the nightmares start coming. You tell yourself they’ll stop once you get your revenge, that you won’t let anyone else go through the hell you’re still going through.

The next day Lexi and you get in Sebastian’s car, you didn’t tell him why, but he agreed to take you to the adress, when you get there you decide to park a bit far but not so much that you lose sight and then you wait. An hour goes by and then there’s a car parking in front of the house, it’s not the same car you got in that night, but the driver is the same. Your blood boils in your veins and you feel color coming to your cheeks, then you see a second person getting out of the same car, a woman, the man hugs her and kisses her on the lips, that make you even more furious.

How coud he have a partner and do such monstrosity?He might be even married to this woman and yet he did what he did. You feel Lexi’s arms coming up behind you to hug you, you don’t react, you stay staring at the house of your rapist, Sebastian looking at you worried, but he doesn’t ask.

“Let’s go.” You say and Sebastian drives back to your place. When you open the door to get down he stops you.

“Why don’t you go ahead, Lexi? I wanna talk to (Y/N)”. Lexi nods and steps off, she turns to look at you, but then she walks inside the building. “Who’s the man from that house?” he asks, serious.

“Nobody.” You answer looking in your apartment’s direction.

“I don’t believe you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I just want to help you, but I can’t if you don’t open up.”

“You’d help me if you stop asking questions.” You answer and you turn to look at him in the eyes, he’s looking at you the same way Lexi does, with pity, just as if you were an abandoned puppy.

“I’m not gonna judge you. I just think it’s better for you to talk about it, you know? Did that man hurt you? Does he have anything to do with you waking up in a hospital after being missing for two weeks?” Your jaw falls a little at that. Why the hell does he know you were missing? It didn’t even make it to the news. “News travel fast on campus, of course I found out.”

“It’s none of your business Sebastian. Please drop it.” You feel you voice cracking on the last sentence, Sebastian puts his hand over yours in your lap. You look at his hand then at him and then at his lips. You kiss him. He kisses you back.

The kiss is hungry and messy, almost wild, your hands play with the hem of his shirt, one of them goes up to play with his hair, he takes you by the waist, bringing you closer, you break the kiss for a second so you can climb onto his lap with a nimble movement and you also manage to get the seat back as far as it could, you kiss him again, harder than before, his hands go to your waist once again and they make their way down until he’s firmly holding your butt, his mouth moving towards your neck. Your hands go to the waist line of his jeans, playing with the buckle of his belt for a second. And you hesitate. Should you be doing this with your exboyfriend.? And you stop in your tracks.

“I cannot do this.” You say as you go back to the passanger’s seat, Sebastian looks at you confused, but he says nothing. You get off the car and run to your apartment, you rush to the bathroom and shut the door, you get undressed as you feel the tears running down your face. Are you even able to do anything anymore without crying? You get in the shower and you let the cold water fall on your body. You stay there until you stop feeling.

You feel nothing.

…

Peter ends up deciding to improve the dron a few 20 meters more, which did require a bit of a hustle with the software of the suit, but that wasn’t nearly as hard as getting KAREN to have real time access to police centres all around the country. It took a couple weeks and him having to deactivate his AI for a few days, which made his life a lot harder. But he made it. Now he can listen and record all calls made to 911 as they are happening, which are a lot, by the way, but he was also able to come up with an algorithm to filter what matters to him and what doesn’t, not that some things don’t matter to him, just that there are some stuff that are relevant to the research and some that aren’t, you get the point, right?

So, only kidnapping, dissapearances and found bodies were coming through, and to Peter’s surprise, there were so many calls a day being stored in KAREN’s data base.

After some weeks everything became a bit tedious, none of the calls had anything to do with the case, little by little Peter started to lose interest in the research. Mr. Stark had made very little progress aswell, from what he heard, therefore he too started to focus on other important matters, but not dropping the topic completely, just in case.

MJ is going to prom with Peter, but he needs a suit, and he’s also helping ned come up with a plan o ask Betty out. It’s like, for the first time in forever he finally has time to be a normal teenager and he doesn’t have to go after bad guys in the city. He’s finally finding the balance between Spider-man and Peter.

But of course everything in his life has to change one secong to another, but this… he definetely didn’t see coming.

-

taglist

@caeruleum-in-caritate-lupus, @softstarkk, @peterparkerbabyy, @dottirose, @legit-fandom-trash, @carostar2020, @appreciating-chase-brody, @mvmakki

[kaioumichiru]

extremely personal oh my girl post :)

Very Very Personal!!! And Emotional!!!

tw death suicide disordered eating etc :) 

OMG mean so much to me. It’s hard to think about the past (almost) 4 years with them and not think about everything that’s gone on in my life in that time. I remember so vividly when I first really listened to Cupid, someone very important to me that is no longer in my life shared it with me and of course it was the ONE how could you not hear it and fall in love. I just listened to Oh My Girl (mini) and Gfriend on loop. I remember it so clearly because it was within a week or so of a giant change in my life. I fucked up my legs, was diagnosed as bipolar2 for the first time, and moved out from my parents house. It was the last happy few days for a long time. 

Windy Day was my next like huge moment with them. That same friend was cat sitting nearby and I stayed with her for a lot of it because we were best friends! and life was hard. So many things happened during those few weeks too, I realized a shift in the relationship with the friend and I found out that my dad was going to die. Windy Day inspired me so much as an artist and as a girl (I’m grown but I feel like a girl, u Know? they say 30 is adulthood now), it made me stronger, honestly. Walking from the pet sitting house to my own, going back to the stressful horrible situation there, with dad in a hospital bed in our living room, I had a moment listening to it where it all felt like a dream. Like the way the song moves, the wind moved too, and I felt very strong. Both with Cupid and WD there are so many painful feelings and benchmarks but they still make me so incredibly happy. I’m one of those people who associate things HARD like any other music that reminds me of that friend I’m like GET OUT OF MY FACE! And I basically stopped listening to 1D + E MO TION because after my lovely Cupid week, that’s what I listened to to get me through hell. 

During that time, my 1D Hell Era, I lived away from my family for the first time, in a house with two casual friends who were 5-7 years older than me I think. They had been living there for a couple years and I just felt like a total intruder. I got to the point where I would wait til they left to leave my room to eat or bathe and I tried to be as quiet as possible when they were home. I never fully moved in, leaving some furniture on my old (current) room at home, and it all just felt so awful. I have a lot of substance abuse related trauma and my housemates, while responsible, did a lot of drugs and there was one big party that was just way too much for me to handle. During the Cupid Weeks I had a huge dog walking accident and could barely walk for days and was just starting a new job. I of course could not do much work, got a doctors note and all that, and so work was a huge huge emotional stresser. I was already causing so much trouble being unable to do everythign I was supposed to that I couldn’t do anything wrong and just spent all day fantasizing about killing myself. Some more personal shit I won’t tell a soul too but it was just such a nightmare. I really think I fucked up my body from not eating much then and taking so many painkillers for my leg, now it’s all so much harder than it used to be. In the last month or so of me living there I would spend a lot of time at my family’s home in my old room because I was afraid that I would kill myself. I never really felt that way before and have been feeling that again recently for the first time since. I got fired because I didn’t have an updated doctors note and couldn’t do anything. I was so miserable I couldn’t look for a new job seriously and everything required a car or lifting heavy things. I was totally paralyzed and so I had to go home. I have not had a real job since. I think this was the worst period of my life and I have had some pretty bad periods. 

So All That to say that when Jine had her whole thing I felt, of course awful. She is the most funny, cute, charming person and seeing her live her dream of being an idol was so lovely!! I still love her a lot, I know a lot of keuris want to let her be but she was “JinE” and I will always cherish JinE while supporting Hyejin. ANYWAY!!! Mental illness is bad. Duh. I can’t work, I quit school, I lost friends and don’t do the things that matter to me nearly as much as I want, need, am supposed to do and I hate myself for it. Everyone has problems and they still work and support themselves and their families, why can’t I just get it together? Why am I so weak and lazy and shitty? Obviously I don’t really believe that, because I would never say that about another person, but I can’t help but feel it every day constantly. Jine is like a pillar or beacon or something to me like, I love her and stand by what she had to do for herself and her health. People who said mean things about her or the other members, that they were moving on without her or didn’t care about her or whatever made me so angry because that’s not how it works. But why is it that I can’t feel so strongly about myself as I do about Jine? Though it’s so awful to know she’s gone through this kind of thing, it’s really uplifting? something? to know that she’s living the life that she needs to live, that she quit her job because it wasn’t safe for her, and that’s most important. A bit after dad died our fridge stopped working right around Coloring Book and oh my god everything was so STRESSFUL. It feels like everything just always gets worse! But when we were finally able to replace it and mom and I were cleaning behind the broken one, I found a little toy dolphin in bright pink. I cried a lot after finding her because Duhhhh,,, it became my good luck charm and a reminder to love and support myself as I love Shin Hyejin. To do that 10x more. 

Though I’m struggling a lot, there haven’t really been any huge changes or impactful moments as there were in the first half of Oh My Girl and Shoutout The Universe. But I got to see them this year, finally, and that was its own pivotal moment. A lot of firsts, a lot of feelings, a lot of me being a grown ass person sobbing to the point where the members noticed lol. Seeing them was one of the happiest moments of my life. Maybe next year I’ll share about one of the important aspects of that! But those are the big moments that OMG have intertwined with my own life. 

I’m so tired now after this oh my god I just saw hyejin’s instagram translation... hrggghhhhh 

BUT!!! AS IDOLS!!! AS AN IDOL FAN!!!! I love them so much for who they are, what OMG is. They’re so talented and impressive. In their first year so many people were like THE RAPPER IS GOOD ?????? and loved the song and now I see so many people love them in the way I love them and it warms my heart so much.. Seunghee is in my opinion, and i am a genius anel from heaven, the best idol singer out there. Her range and power and emotion are so stunning and I’m so excited for her to get the love she’s always deserved. Their performances are so good, they put so much into it always. Ok one concert anecdote. At the aformentioned weeping like an idiot I was doing at the concert, Yooa noticed and did a lil (cry cry) move and obvs it’s just a little thing but immediately after that portion of the show she left because she wasn’t feeling well. She had to skip out on most of the goodbye part and didn’t do the fanmeet but she still put everything into her performance and everything into the fans. I just love her and all of them so much!!!!! It’s been such a nice journey with them, to see them grow so much and to grow alongside them. I thought that my time having that kind of relationship with idols was over, it just belonged to shinee and IU, but looking back at all this horrible shit, I see that OMG is that for me now! Arin’s so grown up and stunning elegant talented and Hyojung graduated college!! I was just going to gush about how good they are as idols but I’m kind of still stuck on the past 4 years and what they’ve done for me.. I’m excited for the next 4. 

If you read this, thank you very much. It lost me but its 7am and I haven’t slept so wvr. If you’ve known me in the past 4 years thank you and if you’ve felt something good for oh my girl thank you!!!! 

[moomoof]

Stop it.

I was friends with this person for almost 2 years and it the last few months it turned into a toxic relationship.

We used to do hangouts and talk about issues we cared about on his channel but i found myself not being comfortable with some of the topics

 but if i ever voiced i didn’t want to do the show he would keep pushing the issue and i was weak to put a stop to it.

 That’s not to say i didn’t enjoy the shows cause i did buti  didn’t want ot do them all the time .

The problems started with our view points really 

I personally feel like he hid his real views out of fear of being abandoned or maybe he just posed as a liberal to ge friends who knows this is all speculation on my part after thoughts . 

This post is just to let out all my angst and frustration. 

I didn’t handle the last encounter withh im well i should’ve just said what i wanted and left i hoped he would understand but what scared me was his reactions again i wanted out of his show at least for a little bit 

i would suggest he find other ppl he would pick up on the hints ...

i was going though a rough patch with my health and i had no energy what’s so ever i didn’t want to disappoint him so 

..i told him straight up i couldn’t do it  to get our mutual friend and o  it with him he seemed annoyed at least in text

 i didn’t speak with him directly then i saw the show live with our friend and ..

his reaction to my illness was annoyance he was like she’s off ill or

 whatever the hell hshe has with the biggest eye rool i ever seen

 ...and then even if i told him multiple times

 i was ill i did'nt want to talk he tried to force me by calling my hangout

...and he was rude to our friend cause i suspect he was jealous of our friend or annoyed

 that our friend was trying out his own show i don’t think my friend picked up on this  

He lied about how his old friends broke up with him 

 Of course i believed him ....well actually no for a while now i wasn't believing him cause he lied or omitted things i found them out on my own. 

That's the heart of the issue it was a slow crawl but i woke up and wasn't going to be used by him.

Like i was saying i was sick he didn't care i told him i can really do this show cause i have things to do or i honestly didn't want to i told him that once but... a disturbing patterned emerged with him. No matter what i said or did he would act like i didn't say it and want his way. In the long run i got anxious around him any time i had an opinion he will shoot it down i couldn't express myself on my twitter feed without him screaming at me and somehow making me feel dumb.

I told him on many occasions i was emotionally abused and physically abused nothing. He of course said he was there for me to chat but i don't like talking about that stuff to ppl. But i suspect it was an empty gesture put there to pretend to be a good friend but in the end he wanted just a person to speak to cause he had issues but also he would use those issues against you. one year ago he said something awful or something like that and i disagreed true i got heated he screamed when that didn't work then he play oop i'm anxious card that then played with others and me for ever more.

He had to be right all the time. He had that stupid internet idea that if you don't have evidence of what you are speaking then you are wrong! or shut up even tho i never really went to his feed after a while cause i was tired of arguing. 

He enjoyed arguing.

Then the big event that woke me up. 

We were arguing about jill stien or third party voters actually i was talking about it on my feed and he shoved his opinion in my face....

yelled at me then i tried to be funny and say get with the program! with the clapping emojis 

He flipped a switch and said i was stupid by saying oh you think i'm dumb? really? ok then your writing skills are mediocre at best or worse actually. (yes i am aware my writing is terrible) but a personal attack like that for no reason hit me hard. 

He just...went to that , that's what he thought about me ...i suposedly let go but it churned for days i have very low selfesteem it took me years to get out of a dark head space. He knocked me down. He hates everything i am cause i do agree with him. That was my head space the next few days i wrote warnings but didn't name him. 3 changes and then i block you don't care you are my friend if you hurt me and put me in a dark space i am cutting you off. He got weirder with me hostile almost after then we butted heads and we airred things but i somehow had an inkling it wasn't safe to talk in the dms i talked in public ...it was weird i suggested we should take a break i wanted it so badly....he said no... and i caved and went back to the same shit different day. Then the last draw happened 

I hate susan sarandon's white feminism i fucking hate it i hate her i hate that she cares three fucks about what she created 

He has this weird white knighty behavior that he will attack you for talking shit about his favorite ppl. 

He also probably felt personally attacked he thinks i somehow am talking about him all time. 

We got heated i was already tired of his shit i started to withdraw from our supposed friendship. Then he did it...he attacked my identiy aka my puerto rican ness and added hillary to it he later deleted it. So he can claim he didn't know what he did to cause my silence but more on that later. He knew that after Maria the hurricane i lost family i wasn't connected to the for weeks i had to worry aobut their well being for months without being able to do nothing ...i was a wreck for months he knew i told him, it was on his show too ( he since deleted all of them GOOD!) I did not deserve this more over i had a very hard anniversary coming up as well not to mention it was september ( still is) i lost my cousin and everythign that i knew as my world this month and it was Maria's anniversary. He just threw it in my fave he used my pain to win a stupid internet argument.  I decided to ignore him for a week or so until i can figure out what to do with him, talk to him again, stop talking to him so often but still be friends or completely run away in fear.

I could not speak to him it hurt it really hurt he used my pain against me i could not trust him....and the silent treatment happened. 

The next day he acted like nothing happened and asked me if i was ready to talk about gay muppets like nothing happened ( the whole bert and ernie incident) that scared me ....he acted like everything was ok ...it wasn't it could be clear for anyone that it wasn't...

i muted his feed and muted him but twitter doesn't understand that maybe ppl want not to get notification from a follower or person you are following for a bit...

He kept liking my stuff in the hopes i would be happy? this is speculation on my part...

He commented on my posts to see if i would bite. 

 i ignored him hoping he would get it i muted hangouts cause i feared he might call 

i had growing fear my heart would race thinking he was there replying liking and dming me...

This might sound dumb but ...it isn't it is harassment...

His former friends mentioned this he would use his second account to spy on them months after the fact they blocked and left him behind..that should've warned me.

He would mention them a lot. Like i said earlier i believed them but i didnt let on to him that i suspected something happened...at first i thought well they should've told him why and then block him and during the a conversation he did something and they didn't likee it's normal ...let it go ..in my head... i nodged him to write it out and let it go in a nicer way.

 But he was controlling i saw it when he hated when friends posted somethign he would scream about it...

They mentioned that they felt free from his smug behavior that he would not value their opionions and then later one of his ex friends said it wasn't the change the channel movement but the how he held certain views on gamer gate..when i voiced my own he screamed at me cause he felt like he knew better and how dare you think otherwise!

He would go into these rage fits over this topic, if you didn't agree with him , eye roll 

condescenion and disdain. This was the topic which lied about and the ppl he lied about or omitted it cause if he didn't he could push his narrative which was that gamer gate was a good movement ...by ignoring all the misogyny and abusive behavior cause he hated ppl on the attacked side. He hated that todd in the shadows blocked him for saying awful things about his friend. He kept on and on about that...like it was a bad thing...

He believed a group of rapey men that wanted a transgender woman to die and claimed she raped her sister... i will not go further into this. 

I put my feelings on that forward he would probably be annoyed in his head about it..whatever. 

He hated lindsay ellis cause she liked the tweet that told him off for harassing todd and his friend..

Sorry to his ex friends for my words about them cause i believed him for the most part and i did care about him i wanted ot make him feel better. 

i was wrong i fed a monster.

I wanted a week of peace away from him ...didn't happen he kept on and kept on ...he even got our mutual friend involved and lied .... he lied he said to him oh she's angry at me cause i don't know i did something wrong i am worried about her ...she's sad about stuff and the world is a bad place blah blah making me sound like the problem...

remember our mutual friend can't really pick up on these things 

He asked i just told him not to be dragged into this cause i was pissed off 

then i said it was nothing i was fine. and i moved on and ignored him some more...

He kept going ...

Then finally he did th final final thing and made up my mind for me.

He tried to guilt trip me into being his friend again or even to talk to him it scared me ...i blocked him completely on everything

he said you are hurting...me 

me?! i hurt him what? he hurt me he didn't care and he dares to accuse me of something i never did so he can look like victim yet again! 

That pissed the shit outta me i got tired of his toxic domineering personality 

He wanted to control you by making you feel bad about challeging him on his views about having my own views for breathing for not wanting to do the thing he wanted on the day he wanted ...

him not caring about my illness really hurt me... he hurt me and i still have the anxeity and have it in my head his words ....i want it gone...so i wrote this to stop it! 

He was not worth it...he's a bad person toxic it's not your fault...

I reached out to one of his ex friends i needed reasurance ...i needed to know i wasn't crazy and seeing something that wasn't there ....now its over i want never to ever see him or talk to him again. 

I recount times were he said awful things like ugh when my face showed up on the hangouts ...like my face is ugly...

i took pictures he would say geez or something like that ignored it..

he laughed at my lack of furniture or equipment..to do audio work...

He even got super hostile with me when our mutual was with us...cause i didn't agree with him ...

I wrote a memorial for my cousin and he sullied it by commenting on it moments after he hurt me like a psycho...

Now i know why he kept trying to bring up his friends cause i interacted with mutuals he wanted to know if they told me about him...and for weeks i struggled to find out by asking them but i never did...

He is disturbed i am stupid for allowing it to continue to this point i don't know how far he would've taken it but my psyche could not take it anymore...

He even made fun of my drinking 

it was a terrible idea to engage with him but i honestly thought he was a someone else like a person i watched turned out he wasn't he was using an account to get ppl to like him then he change later i guess...

Maybe i'm wrong maybe he isn't all bad just immature but i don't care he scares me and hurt me...sorry for this post but i need it out of me 

[calcidekudine]

out of my head of my heart of my mind

out of my head of my heart of my mind katsudeku. explicit. part one. also available on ao3. warnings: A/B/o dynamics

.

Katsuki's heat arrives as it always does, a slow and insidious burn. It begins low in his belly and creeps outwards, warring with the quick explosions he is used to, a fire he can control with a thought and a twitch of his hand. He has always hated his heat. He is disturbed by his helplessness, his intractable responses; it is why he has taken suppressants since the onset. The drugs made him sluggish for a few days, but sluggish was better than the uncontrollable alternative.

This time, however, when the base of his spine begins to itch, Katsuki does not take his suppressant. He stares at the pill pack—a ten day long ritual that he has taken every three months for the last seven years of his life—then gently sets it back in the medicine cabinet behind his mirror.

It is impulse, yes. But it is also a plan that he has let form in the back of his brain and, with this gesture, allows to finally take shape.

.

"I’m going into heat," Katsuki tells his agency supervisor, later that day between first and second shift. If his supervisor is surprised to hear such a thing, she does not show it. Instead, her face remains blank, and she asks,

"When?"

"In a few days," Katsuki informs. "A week at most."

His supervisor nods. "Do you need accommodations or services?"

"No." Katsuki does not elaborate. Giving his idea voice leaves a sour taste in his mouth. His instincts tell him that he isn't wrong—that nothing could possibly go wrong—yet the small possibility that he may fail stills his tongue.

"Thank you for informing us," his supervisor says. "Send me a text or an email when it comes, and we’ll have your shifts covered."

Katsuki nods once, rises from the comfortable chair, and leaves to begin his shift. There is nothing left to be said.

.

Patrol passes slowly. He wanders the streets with his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face, and stubbornly ignores the ever-present tingle at the base of his spine. He gets a few odd looks from passing alphas; they tilt their heads up and inhale deeply, their diaphragms pushing out with the effort. He makes eye-contact with each one that dares to smell him, flashing his best glare and smirking when they skitter.

It is no secret that Katsuki—that Ground Zero, one of the highest ranking heroes of his generation—is an omega. He knows some people are curious about his predilections, especially since his demeanor is not the purported ideal of omegas.

Katsuki doesn't care. He's never cared. His secondary gender and his ability to have children doesn't dictate how he behaves. The only person who gets to decide what Katsuki can and cannot do is Katsuki himself, and everyone else can hang.

.

Night falls. Katsuki stops at several food carts, buying skewers of charcoal-cooked meat. He is ravenous, chomping down twice as much as he normally would. He stops himself before he feels the bloat of fullness, having learned the hard way that being full on patrol is worse than being a little hungry.

As the moon rises in the sky, Katsuki wanders out of his assigned district and closer to the warehouses. His destination is a familiar, medium-sized office building. When he gets there, he launches himself into the air. Flying is as effortless to him now as breathing, and he lands gracefully, boots heavy on the rooftop. It is dusted with gravel, as many business buildings are, and the tiny pebbles grind together beneath the balls of his feet.

Crouched on the building edge, another hero stands. His costume—black with green accents—blends in with the darkening sky. A long white cape flutters from his broad shoulders. He hops down from his perch and chirps, "Kacchan."

"Deku."

"What are you doing here?" Izuku tilts his head. "I thought you had sector D-4 today?"

"I do," Katsuki responds with nonchalance.

"Bored already?"

Katsuki shrugs. Takes a step closer to Izuku. And another, and another, until Izuku’s nose twitches—

Until he inhales sharply—

Until his eyes widen—

Until he gasps, "Kacchan."

Katsuki tilts his head to the side, purposefully exposing the length of his neck. He used to think it was a submissive gesture. That it was weakness. He hated the thought of it. Baring himself to another person that way—it was unfathomable.

Now, when he does it, he realizes how wrong he was. It is not weakness he feels, but power. How easy it was to capture Izuku’s attention, to hold it.

"Are you...?" Izuku chokes.

"I didn’t take my pills," Katsuki announces as he steps boldly into Izuku's space. "It will be here soon."

Izuku’s uniform is stretched skintight over his throat and Katsuki watches the way his larynx contracts around a dry, strangled whimper. It thrills Katsuki to his core. People like to believe that alphas are the strong ones, but Katsuki—an omega—has reduced Izuku to incoherence in less than a minute with no more than a gesture and his scent.

"Kacchan," Izuku pleads. Each syllable scratches relief down Katsuki’s spine. "Are you asking me to..?"

Katsuki stands still. Waits. He can feel the strain of his silence as much as he can sense the tension in Izuku's body. He wants to laugh, victorious, triumphant. He refrains. Instead, he leans forward, curls a gloved hand around Izuku's thick side, and all but purrs,

"If you think you can."

Katsuki is off the roof before realization can dawn in Izuku’s muddled brain. It amuses him more than it should and, this time, when his laughter bubbles in his throat, he lets it escape.

.

On his second day of pre-heat, Katsuki spends most of his morning eating and readying his small apartment for the week to come. He cleans all his spare sheets, pushes all the furniture against the wall, and makes sure the few material items he has are tucked safely away. He goes to the store to buy packs of supplement bars and bottles of water. He even picks up a couple bags of Izuku's favorite snack, a sentimentality he tries not to think about as the cashier rings him up.

Thus prepared and with some time to kill before his shift, Katsuki picks up his phone and texts Kirishima. Though they work at different agencies, they've retained their friendship by meeting up at least once a week, going to cheap dive bars to drink excess amounts of alcohol and consume unhealthy amounts of fried food. Sometimes it's just the two of them. Sometimes it's with their coworkers or old classmates. Either way, Katsuki knows he won't be able to meet up with Kirishima later in the week because of his heat.

Briefly, Katsuki considers lying about why he can't make it. He isn't ashamed of his heat, but that doesn't mean he wants to talk about it. Still, he knows that Kirishima will eventually figure out the truth, and lying will only delay the inevitable.

"Such bullshit," Katsuki mutters as he jabs a message out.

BK  won't be able to go out this week  have my heat

Unsurprisingly, Kirishima texts back in less than a minute.

KE  ur going off suprressants???  IS EVERYTHIGN OKAY

BK  fucking calm down  i'm fine just didn't take them

KE  ok ok i just hear a lot of horror sotries  and its not like u to just not take them  WAIT did u meet someone????  UR SHARING UR HEAT WITH SOEMNEO ARENT U

BK  fuck, shut up, i'm not fucking some fcuking stranger  just deku

Katsuki's phone rings almost immediately and Katsuki contemplates not answering. He doesn't want to listen Kirishima yammer. But, as with the texts, he knows that it will be better to just get it over with.

"What?" Katsuki answers with a snarl.

"Midoriya?" Kirishima barks over the phone. Katsuki cannot see his best friend's face, but he can imagine it perfectly: eyebrows high, mouth slack, rapid blinking. "Really? And you want to just—just like that?"

"Whaddya mean, just like that?" Katsuki shoots back. "Isn't that how it fucking works?"

"I mean, not really," Kirishima blurts. "I mean—in a more traditional sense—in some circles—before people learned that it was, you know, wrong to force omegas that were heated into relationships that they didn't actually want—"

"I'm not fucking heated." Katsuki may be warm, yes, but even he knows his symptoms are a small portion of what awaits. His hormones aren't clouding his judgment and he won't pretend he's oblivious to why he wants to spend this heat with Izuku. In his softer moments—in those quiet spaces when Katsuki can be alone and honest—he thinks that he and Izuku have been building towards this since they were children. "I'm not fucking stupid."

"I know you're not. It's just—have you guys even gone a date? Hell, does he even know you like him like—you know, more than a friend?"

Katsuki smirks. "If he didn't, he's about to."

"This is a terrible idea," Kirishima mutters.

"So is your shitty haircut," Katsuki retorts, but there's no heat in the insult. He doesn't expect Kirishima to understand. There is so much history between him and Izuku, both good and bad, that it's difficult for other people to understand their dynamic.

"I know you won't, but you should still probably talk to him." Kirishima heaves a long-suffering sigh, the exhale distorted into mechanical pieces by the phone. "Who knows? Your relationship with Midoriya is complicated on the best of days. Maybe I'm just overthinking it."

"That'd be a fucking first."

And because Katsuki is an asshole with nothing left to say, he disconnects.

.

KE  YOU STILL NEED TO TALK TO MIDORIYA

BK  fuck off  (middle finger emoji)

.

Katsuki had his first heat midway through thirteen.

Like many first heats, it was short—barely scraping past two full days—but it felt so much longer. He remembers shaking through it, his muscles cramping as his body ached. Thirst and hunger were suspended as his dick stayed hard and slick leaked down his thighs. He jerked himself raw with one hand and stuffed his fingers inside himself with the other. He wriggled on his bed, rucking up the sweat-and-slick damp sheets, and whined. He cried and begged and felt incomplete.

When the worst of his heat passed, Katsuki ignored his still wobbly legs, got out of bed, and marched into the shower. He turned the water up as high as it would go and scrubbed the disturbing lack of control from his flesh. Then, once he pulled on a pair of fleece pajama bottoms and the softest shirt he owned, skin still hypersensitive, he stormed into the kitchen and demanded to be taken to the doctor.

Neither of Katsuki's parents protested. He was taken to the family doctor that afternoon, given a routine physical and asked several invasive questions, which Katsuki answered as a snap or a snarl. Eventually, the doctor gave him one of the stronger prescriptions. The suppressants didn't negate all the effects of heat; instead, they muffled them. Katsuki got hungry and hot for a few days, then incredibly horny for another, but it never compared to that first experience, where he laid on his mattress, writhing and gasping for an inexplicable more.

Because of this, Katsuki has never shared a heat. He's had sex, several times with several different partners, yet he never felt compelled to share such an intimacy with any of them.

Izuku is different. Izuku will take care of him. Izuku will take care of his heat, of his body, of his heart. Not just because Izuku is a good alpha and Katsuki is a needful omega, but because it's him.

And this—this is why Katsuki left his suppressants on the shelf.

He trusts Izuku.

.

Katsuki's shift is long and uneventful. He spends a majority of it stalking up and down his assigned sector, his dark scowl and clenched jaw guaranteeing a wide berth. His pre-heat has gone from ignorable to frustrating in less than a day, and still he knows that his symptoms are not the worst of it.

After his shift ends, Katsuki all but runs back to his agency. He bursts into the empty locker room; throws off his gloves, gauntlets, and mask; peels his skintight shirt off his torso; opens his locker and—

Sitting innocently atop his civilian clothing is an enormous, store-bought bento with a note taped to the thin plastic lid.

The bento isn't special. It contains a pile of plain white rice, several thick rolls of tamagoyaki, and a handful of tempura-fried jumbo shrimp. But there's a lot and Katsuki is starving. He scarfs it down, untasting, leaving the note unread until he has devoured all but a few stubborn grains of rice. He picks it off and unfolds it.

I can do it, it reads.

Though there is no signature, Katsuki knows who it's from. The scratchy handwriting is long-familiar and traces of musk linger on the paper. Katsuki brings it up to his nose and inhales deeply. His whole body throbs in anticipation.

Deku.

With a smirk, Katsuki refolds the slip of paper.

.

next >>

.

[bagog]

For the ME Coping Week, would you please do something about the Tali and Garrus ship? I'd especially love something earlier in their relationship but really anywhere in it would be great. Thank you much!

I asked for these prompts months ago and then everythign went wrong and I am JUST NOW answering them, really sorry!! But here’s a little Tali/Garrus thing. Something... pre-relationship, probably? I hope you like it!

++

Kenneth Donnelly wouldn’t dare make a comment about Tali’ships with her standing in the room, but Tali wasn’t an idiot—and neither wasKenneth very good at waiting until the hatch closed behind her beforefilling  Gabby in on exactly what he thoughtof what Tali’s suit did for her figure. It was sloppy in that human way so manyof the Normandy’s crew were: completely unable to keep a secret once they’dbeen on a ship for more than a few hours. Quarian children learned by the timethey were old enough to help on a maintenance crew how to keep their gossiplocal.

“Kenneth, do you ever figure you’ll get bored of being achauvinistic asshole after a while?”

“No, Gabby, never. I’m aboard the Normandy, and the viewsare… never boring.”

Still, it never bothered Tali, because the humans (and especially Donnelly) also weren’t goodat sousing out secrets, either. Kenneth was a good enough engineer to think ofall kinds of lewd euphemisms while keeping the drive core in top shape, butTali had known for weeks it wasn’t actually Tali or EDI or Miranda boshtet Lawson or Matriarch Benezia thatDonnelly was after. Tali knew, even, long before it had become obvious enoughwhere Adams would give her wide-eyed ‘can you believe this?’ glances betweenrotations.

“Donnelly, if you don’t get a ‘view’ on those tertiary manifold specs in the next 20 minutes,Ms. Daniels isn’t going to be the only one putting a boot up your ass.”

“As long as she takes it nice and slow, Chief…”

Not long after thatlittle exchange, when the sexual tension finally came to a head, Shepardhad practically stomped into Engineering and sliced it in half with anomni-blade. Always perfect timing. One little comment about Gabby’s legs wasall it took, in the end—so maybe the two had been pining after each other forlonger than even Tali had suspected.Adams and Tali shared a look when the two Crewmen made some excuse to both‘check on something down below.’

Tali laughed to herself about it. Something else to add tothe list: humans were so bad at sneaking off, not to mention hiding together insome remote corner of the ship. Most of the Normandy crew were, now that shethought about it. All planet-born, used to having so much space they didn’teven know how to sneak into a dark corridor or something for a little tryst ontheir quiet ship. Tali couldn’t fault them, though. Watching a simmering newromance develop always helped when she had to manually relink the phasecouplers. Made her feel young again—her pilgrimage still a few years off, herfather’s death, the second war with the geth: all still in the future, still.

The thought hit her heavy. And there wasn’t even Gabby and Kenneth flirting to distract her fromit, now.

She looked over at the comms on her panel once again: noblue light. She’d been checking every few minutes, it seemed like. She sighedquiet enough for it to be lost in the hum of the ship’s engines. Garrus hadn’tcommed her all day…

That thought made her pause.

She didn’t know what made her excuse herself from the engineroom and head for the lift. Something about a sinking feeling in her stomachthat Shepard was stomping into the Main Battery to tell Garrus to “Just go askTali on a date already!” or something. The elevator was half-way to deck twobefore she really considered what she was doing. She’d never considered that,while she had been watching Gabby and Kenneth banter back and forth,obliviously falling for each other, that perhaps Shepard had somehow overheardhers and Garrus’ playful little daily comms chats and mistaken that forattraction.

‘Mistaken.’ That was the trick, wasn’t it.

Had she been flirting with Garrus? Yes. But hearing Donnellybumble around like some apprentice live-ship hand got old, sometimes she wantedto hear a little proper flirting.And… Garrus was a good target.

“EDI, halt elevator.”

“Done.”

“Keelah, what am Idoing?”

She leaned her faceplate on one palm, and felt her suitbegin to cool her down as it detected a sudden flush.

Flirting with Garrus had been a fun distraction. More funthan watching Donnelly and Daniels woo each other with their typical, alienavoidance. But imagining Garrus on Deck 2, all by himself in the forwardbattery, that was the thought that made her feel strong when she was up to herelbows in debris from Shepard’s last run-in with a Reaper.

“It’s not that I don’t love being on a mission with you,Tali,” Garrus had told her on the shuttle, once. “It’s just that seeing youhandle yourself with that shotgun gets me distracted when I should be sniping hostiles.”

“I know,” Tali had smiled. “I have plenty of time to watch your face while I’m in combat.”

That had dropped his jaw.

Everyone was always commenting on ‘how far she’d come’, andwhy shouldn’t they? It was true. She’d come too far to get cold feet, now.She’d been rescued by Shepard one too many times to wait for the Commander tomake her and Garrus ‘happen’. She was an admiral of the quarian fleet, afterall.

“Alright, EDI. Open the doors, let’s just do this already.”

She didn’t mind putting a little extra swing in her hipswhen she strode through the mess. If James choked on his who wavvio rantz arrows that was on him. And when the doors to theforward battery opened…

No Garrus.

Shit.

Still, she walked in. There was a rustling forward, beyondthe main console. Tucked behind a crate of components beside the main battery,Garrus’ lanky form was slumped on the deck. He started when Tali called hisname.

“T-Tali,” he made to stand up, but Tali rushed to sit besidehim before he could. “I… didn’t hear you come in. I was, uh… I was just…”

She had never heard that shake in his voice: something onthe edge of a sob.

“Hey.” She couldn’t take her eyes off his, though she knewthe way so many of the crew were disturbed staring into her helmet, she couldalways see their gaze roving around the faceplate rather than looking her inthe eyes, even when they were trying to be courteous. She should have turnedher face down. But she had never seen that look in Garrus’ eyes, she had tokeep her fist clenched to stop herself taking his hand. “You… you don’t look sogood. What’s going on, Garrus.”

But Garrus didn’t look away, fragile as the tail of a comet,he still didn’t look away. Too fragile, maybe, to look away: he looked like hewanted to. He tried to laugh, but it caught in his throat.

“Guess I’ve just been putting in too many long hours.” Hecleared his throat, but the strain remained. “I was thinking about Palaven.”

Homeworld worry. It had been an alien concept to Tali untilrecently. When one spoke about worrying about the Flotilla, it was conservationthey were worried about. The Flotilla had come under attack often—and theyexpected it—but that was a knifeblade worry that sat in the back of their mindsat all times.

Aliens never had to worry about their homeworld like that.

“Did you hear something?” She asked quietly.

Garrus’ mandibles shuddered as he opened his mouth, but itwas like his body demanded a staggering intake of breath ahead of his answer.

“No.” He swallowed, “But soon, when they divert the fleet toEarth, it’ll be a matter of hours before…”

“I’m so sorry, Garrus.”

“My father… I haven’t heard from him.” He shook his  head, grasping onto the collar of his armoras if to stabilize himself. “I’m sorry, I need to just… get my shit together.”

His father, his homeworld. Suddenly, everyone aboard theNormandy was grieving the things Tali had had to grieve a long time ago. Thethings she had never had.

For the first time, she saw Garrus for how young he reallywas. Maybe it had been because he had been C-SEC when she first met him thatshe’d seen the over-ambitious young officer, thirsty for rebellion, assomething more intimidating than he had ever been.

“I know what it’s like to lose people,” she said, softly.“You love your father, and he loves you. That’s enough for now, until you knowfor sure. That will be true… always. No matter what the news you here is.”

“I need to snap myself out of this. Shepard expects me readyto go after the next jump. The Primarch expects my tactical analysis beforethen.”

“Hey,” Tali did put her hand on his knee, then. “You do have time for this.”

Once again, he couldn’t look away, and Tali didn’t feel likeshe was supposed to.

“Feels wrong to be talking about this with you,” Garruswinced. “While I was… trying to get revenge for my men on Omega, you were…”

She had been mourning her father. She had been writingletters to the families of her team on Haestrom. She’d been burying herself inthe phase couplers the way Garrus had been burying himself in calibrations forthe last 3 months.

Meanwhile, the young C-SEC cop was just coming back from hisPilgrimage on Omega.

“Garrus,” she brought herself to her knees, put a hand onhis face. “I’m here. You don’t have to hide from me, alright?”

He nodded, and for a moment, looked like he wanted to saymore. Tali shook her head before he could, smiled, and caressed his face so hewould know she was smiling, though he was staring so hard, he may have seen itstraight through the tint of her faceplate, anyway. He had time, and so didshe. Time for this.

She settled her back against the bulkhead again, andGarrus—the lanky young war hero—drooped his head down to her shoulder.

“I’m… glad it was you who walked in on me like this,Tali’Zorah.”

Tali laughed a little.

“Are you sure? Most people wouldn’t have tried to find you.”

“No, but at least you can keep a secret,” the chuckle Garrusmade was finally the sound that allowed the dam to break, allowed him toshudder and sob a moment. “And yes, I’m absolutely sure. Thank you.”

[goldenrenjun]

Spread friendship and love 🌸 Give a shoutout to 5 of your friends or mutuals and say why you love them! Send this to 10 other people once you're done 🌼

its all under the cut 🌼 (although i just kinda wrote little messages but its still cute)

these are in no particular order i love u all sm

@melaninbam - julie ,,, am i allowed to put u here ? i am ,, thanks for appreciating the bambam pics up in ur room ,, ALSO those yoongi spams ud text me during finals ?? some good shit. u didnt even make fun of me when i sang cypher 4 incorrectly @ the concert ??? a true friend. ilu n ill rly start shitting bricks when u go to college :( u better still let me send u memes :(

@sugaegyc - nat !!! ilusm !!! ur aesthetic blogs are rly so so cute & when u send me yoongi pics ? my heart bursts ??? ur so funny too; whenever u chat in ur tags i giggle to myself :(

@yoongisnugget - nat ilusm & it seems that you’ve been doing well lately which warms my heart !!! im always giggling @ ur tags they’re so cute / funny ,, but im rly glad that ur just doing ur thing & learning to love urself & (hopefully) taking care of urself !!! i want u to know that im rooting for u !!!!!!! & if ur ever not doing well don’t feel bad abt msging me

@jungkookio - istg alicia ,,, ilusm. ur so ??? boldly supportive ??? i sound like such a dumbass but ur rly so sweet !!! idrk how to describe it .. i often feel rly ? uncomfortable ? neurotic ? when i try to talk to ppl in contrast to u ,,, a ray of sunshine. i rly aspire to be this .. unapologetically kind ? nyways i hope ur doing well !!! i havent heard much but i hope ur not stressed ! ilusm :(

@taetaescutiepie - i’ve said this before but i rly appreciate u beign so nice during finals week !!! idk i rly didn’t have the time to put a lot of energy into my friendships (or myself ..f sdajf) and i felt like such an ass but u were so sweet abt it :(

@taesberet - maya !!! ur such an angel ,, the sweetest person ive ever met :(

(nyways there are so many more cool blogs im too shy to talk to ,,, be my friend pls and thanks)

[bitter-limelight]

I’m just so /FUCKING/ tired of being here and this fucking family and how PISSED I am that I have zero options. None. At all. I can’t even leave the HOUSE. Do I need groceries beyond convenience store food? Too bad. Need to see a doctor? Better text an aunt and ask “How much do you love me” and hope the answer isn’t “Not enough to take you anywhere” which is a literal answer you’ve gotten and that’s from the GOOD AUNT. Hungry? Too bad, you’re only allowed to cook for DADDY and if DADDY doesn’t like a food you’re not allowed to have it. Oh that’s a nice FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP you got offered TWICE TO COLLEGE, covering tuition, supplies, books, room, board and food, but you’re not allowed to take it, it’s too INCONVENIENT for the family for you to go. Grow up being told, you can’t have this, you can’t do that, you can’t be like these older people at all, not till you’re older, and then suddenly in a few years, when you SHOULD be finally allowed to be included and have these experiences, you’re TOO old, you’re SELFISH, you need to sacrifice to provide those experiences for the LITTLE kids now. Hey it’s not OUR fault everyone is either way older or way younger than you are and we can’t be arsed to do anything nice for ONE kid, you’re not REALLY related to us ANYWAY! Here, not enough fucking issues? How about a sister that makes out with you and a neighbor who stuck her fucking hand down your pants and a dad who made so many remarks about your giant jiggly tits that you develop some REALLY fucked up incestuous issues, and while we’re at it, lets have everyone dismiss your coping mechanisms because you’re an attention whore who can just move out if you’re gonna cut and you’re too FAT to have not eaten for 3 days and you’re LYING about not being able to see and lets have you get a grown man screaming in your face as you fail a task you LITERALLY CANNOT DO because YOU ARE BLIND and how DARE YOU not think it’s hilarious when  GROWN ASS MALE COUSINS in TWO TON TRUCKS 

speed up at you when you’re walking down the road and you piss yourself a little and sob because you CANT SEE and you thought you were about to DIE but they’re in the right cause LOL GIIIITRRRRRDOOOONE THAT WAS FUNNY YOU LITTLE FAGGOT. Lets have Christmas with this same massive family where your homecoming queen and prom queen cousins talk about your acne and your teeth and you watch all these adults pass around huge boxes and bags and gifts and watch all your cousins unwrap new clothes and toys and you’re eleven just staring because nobody got you anything because why, you’re not OURS? stop being SELFISH

Oh lets leave you in a house alone with no FUCKING FOOD and make you feel SELFISH for wanting to eat which is probably why you have fucking food issues NOW, while your dad runs off to spoil his girlfriends sons and take them out to dinner. You’ve had hashbrowns for a week because that’s all you HAVE but at least those two are getting steak dinners. Oh, and vacations, lets leave you alone at home while they and your siblings get to go fishing and to fairs and concerts and the grand canyon and on camping trips and go to fancy shows and hotels and you’re not even INVITED. Nope, you’re shoved away and your dad SHAKES HIMSELF OFF WHEN YOU TOUCH HIM as though you’re something THAT DISGUSTING that he can’t stand the feel of you on him AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF let’s just have your siblings call you a spoiled bitch and stupid and ungrateful because “dad did a good job with us” and “you can’t be upset that he wasn’t affectionate” and “if you wanted dads attention MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO HIM” And now lets just leave you alone with that old woman who acts like you should kiss her feet for “Letting you do this hormone thing” while you have intense panic attacks over whether you, a 26 year old adult, shoudl be allowed to move a desk in your own room because you DIDNT ASK PERMISSION FIRST And Of course You still feel like you’re makeing everythign up cause at least you never really got raped and you only got hit a few times and really, you /should/ have been nicer to Daddy

[circleofcatastrophe]

Episode 1- Big Brother Week

Title: I’m probably gonna shit myself so that’s how day 1 is going

Max

Day 1: everyone is saying hi and I have a big ass paper to right that I haven't started that's due tomorrow and I drank a lot of coffee and I don't drink coffee so I'm probably gonna shit myself so that's how day 1 is going

Julia

Should’ve hexed Tim he a cancer . Cancers are tricksters

Vi

I think I understand the challenge now that I was removed. Thanks Tim. ALL MY IOS PEEPS ARE GREAT. Cept I'm pretty sure they're gonna stab me early bc they dislike me :^). That's okay bc I'm only here for the hosts <3 jkjk. I love them. The tribe is fantastic even tho I have no idea who most of these people are. I hope some of the challenge will be familiar or else rip me.

Tim

The cast seems so great and iconic. I really like Sammy and Jacob but I'm sure everyone else already does.

Jacob

first of all i want to die. also sammy won hoh nice idk him all that well so im a little bit nervous. i dont really know whats gonna happen but its whatever wigg!! my strategy is to have an emotional breakdown about my day in public chat so everyone feels bad for me and keeps me safe this round :~)

Tim

Sammy won and woo! I knew he was gonna win but lets see who he snakes with his nominations.

Vi

Sammy who? I didnt realize who was in the tribe. Jkjk. I could carefully less. It’s been a day and so I haven’t gotten close to many people. Hopefully when I finish my irl stuff I can finally focus but if I get voted out (which I hope not) that’ll be fine too. Can’t wait to see how tribal or whatever that is about to happen turns out like

JG

Ugghhh so close to winning HoH oh well, I gave it to Sammy cause we talked alot and it would feel wrong to not give it to him plus I wanted to secure my spot this week and he guaranteed I would not go up, let's hope. Not many other people have talked to me which, is a little unsettling but maybe I am too paranoid.

Chrissa

I am glad sammy won as he promised me safety. not much else has happened but I will update when there is.

Christian

Okay first DR of the season. Nicole's a bitch. I don't think we will ever get along, and neither of us has made the effort to add each other on Skype. Now that we got that out of the way, let's move to things that are actually relevant. I love all the new faces in this cast. I've never seen any of these people before, except Regan and Max. I think I hosted Louise in BB Unititled? Unless there's another Louise in the community, that I don't know of. I've been talking to people one on one, and most of those conversations have been genuine. Yesterday evening I found out Jacob is from WV and we live like 30 minutes away from each other. So that was an instant connection, and we ended up forming an alliance called "West Virginia Legends". Let's hope that actually lasts. I have some faith that it will. When the house call happened I was like "yes let me get on that call". 1. I had the thought of Sammy and his nominations 2. I knew if I got on the call it would give me a chance to talk to people and try to form a bond 3. If I would have won HOH this week I wouldn't have needed to get on lol. Hopefully Sammy keeps his word and doesn't nominate anyone that was on call. When Sammy asked who we wanted nominated I said "well Nicole" but I didn't push for her to be on the block, because that's dumb and from my past experiences in games you never know when someone could already be working together early or late in the game. I just said "do whatever you feel comfortable with".

Arika

dang toot I was nominated

Louise

!!! im not nominated!!! we r living hunny!!! sammy treated ur girl good but aj is nommed fuck!!!!! i love him more than i love my own self he is my dad/son and such a precious human being!!! so im glad i don't have stress for myself but now i have stress for aj everythign is a mess! i hate regan she a ho and everyone else i like me and tim agree that the texture of bread is NASTY so we stan!

Tim

I haven't been nommed thats great! I get to sit back until a possible renom and hope im not renommed.

Tim

If I get renommed I will CRY

Tim

Woo im not nommed so im gonna vote for Louise tbh maybe. Or AJ let me check lol.

Sammy

Hey so this is my first confessional....I’ve been slacking! However I want to make good confessionals for this season so that when I look back at them I can be like “what was I doing”. Anyway, let’s start from the beginning! Okay so when I got casted I noticed a few familiar faces that i was so excited to play with. 1.) AUTUMN!! she is one of my favorite people in this community and I’ve played with her before, I don’t think I could betray her in this game so if at all possible i want to work with her. Then I see Jacob, Dom, and Regan! I’ve been wanting to play a game with these people so I’m glad it finally happened, they are super nice and just have fun personalities. I also saw Tim and Chrissa who I have played games with before, and Tim is so nice but Idk if he’s gonna leak any info of mine or not bc in Lago he leaked my alliance...RIP...but I think he’s a great person so🤷🏻‍♂️ And yeah love Chrissa!! I’m really liking JG so far and I want to work with him so woo.

Sammy

okay also, we had the hex HOH competition which is basically just luck. I was in class for the majority of it and when I got out of class I saw that there were like 6 people left and I was one of them. Then I started talking to people saying, “hey if you don’t hex me I won’t nom you:)” just so I could win the first HOH comp. I did this because I want to build up a good resume early on and i know this wouldn’t make me look like a threat bc it was a luck comp😅. So I won HOH, and decided to nominate two people who I got to know the least(also i told like so many others that i wouldn’t put them up so rip). I put up Arika and Aj and I really like them both it’s just they were the least active. Then we had POV and i fell asleep bc I’m a FLOP and i got a strike for not submitting. Arika pulled herself off(which I’m okay with bc she wasn’t really my target). Aj didn’t even submit which was sad bc their game was on the line:/ i had to renom and i chose Louise bc i have spoke only a few words with her and SHE IS SO NICE! However she was one of the few people who i didn’t promise safety. Again, she isn’t really my target. I was trying to cause the least amount of drama as possible and I think people are content with my choices. Oh and we had a “tribe/house” call but it kinda was a mess. I think everyone was slightly irritated that Regan wouldn’t let anyone else talk (no shade bc Regan is awesome) but yeah we got to know a lot about Regan and her bad driving skills...REGAN DONT RUN ME OVER IN THIS GAME. Anyways start your engines, it’s gonna be a wild ride!

Vi

So I picked uh... wait I forgot... Louise? I only picked him/her Bc it was the only name I could remember out of the two noms. Oops. Sorry. I mean it really doesn’t matter considering neither of the noms really talked. *sigh We shall see tho

Chrissa

I am so glad sammy is hoh especially with the veto i was made to play, idk who is gong but he said vote AJ and AJ hasn't attempted to talk to me so okay!