#it's finally finished i did this scene in january or something

[tsuki-in-faerun]

Brilliance

explicit, MDNI - no one under 18 years old please.

tav/astarion post-boss fight at cazador's. there's a lot to dig into beyond the canon when it comes to agency and a realistic path toward healing. in this series, this is tav and astarion's first time together. feat. a chopped and screwed version of the 'pale elf' ending quest dialogue.

gnc tav, unnamed tav, they/them pussy, gender neutral tits. karlach is ot3 with these two in the series but she's not involved in the smut this time.

“To the lives we lead To the dreams we chase To the moments that we make And the fucked up shit we can’t erase”

-Nate Wonder giving a toast on the outro of “Float” by Janelle Monae

The scene by the graveside turns into a picnic after you tell him you just want to spend some time together unwinding from the battle. Astarion feeds you grapes, one by one, and nicks the base of your thumb to feed himself. A taste of passion. When he has the audacity to call the others in camp ‘feral’ without both your guidance, you’re so caught off guard that you double up laughing. The sound of it bounces off every surface in the graveyard, surrounding you both. Astarion listens with a pensive expression to the cacophony of his lover’s laughter in the place where he was buried and reborn. A holy racket.

You both take comfort in a long embrace goodnight back at camp. There is still a pull between you when you separate, reaching for each other’s hands. Even when you let go, the Warding Bond you used during the fight surrounds each of you as you go to your rest. But tonight is a night for reflection. He deserves some space to process and, to be honest, you might need some, too.

Shadowheart and Karlach are sitting together by the fire. You go to meet them but the last few steps you take are shaky. Karlach springs into action, wrapping you in a great big bear hug. You cling to her, tears spilling over, as Shadowheart begins a healing hum.

“I had to let him go,” you cry. “In my heart, I mean. I had to be ready to lose him. I knew that loving him could only do so much. I was trying so hard not to spoil everything!”

Karlach rocks you, kisses your head. “You did good, soldier.” she says with patient tenderness. “You held it together, we got Astarion out of his bonds. And he made his choice to leave with us as a free man. Did something happen when you went off together?”

You sigh, smile with watery eyes. “A heart to heart. He says he’s ready to try living again, but it’s not hard to see that he’s still figuring things out. I almost felt like I was intruding.” A snort of frustration. “I have to keep telling myself that he wants me to be there. He brought me there; he wants to share this with me. I just… everything is so raw still. I feel like if I touch him we’ll both come away bleeding.” You swipe at your face but the tears don’t stop coming.

Shadowheart looks up at you. “I have some potted plants near my tent. Would you like me to bring one here?’

“That’s - a good idea, thank you - princess,” you hiccup and while Shadowheart jogs away from the fire, you turn to press your face against Karlach’s collarbone. She enfolds you in her arms, shushes and pets you.

Shadowheart comes back waddling a bit, but in a good solid horse stance, carrying the big potted palm. She sets it down next to you and brushes the dirt off her hands.

You sink to your knees in relief and wrap your arms around the ceramic.

Karlach sits down and throws her arms around the little palm tree as well.

Shadowheart kneels seiza beside you. You water the tree with your tears some. You keep your awareness with the droplets as they fall and absorb into the soil, letting your mind be still and slow like the water soaking into the roots of the plant. The roots draw moisture up and you are reminded of your own circulation and heartbeat, steadying now in your meditation. There is a silent reassurance emanating from your plant friend.

“Do you wanna talk anymore?” Karlach asks.

You stroke her shoulder, still holding the plant pot between you. “I’m so lucky to love this much,” you tell her, voice quavering. “But it - it hurts. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, my Heart. I’m just battle worn.”

You feel Shadowheart’s hand tracing comforting circles on your back. “It is difficult, as a healer, to keep repairing as quickly as the damage is inflicted.” She says quietly.

You sigh heavily and your head drops from exhaustion. “Yes. Especially when I’m taking damage, too. I’m glad we did the Bond, but being present with him in his body like that was… a lot.”

You manage to lift your gaze to look at your companions. “Thank you both for having my back and saving our lives.” Karlach lets go of the plant to come cuddle you instead. Her kisses on your face are a balm to your battered soul, and she showers you with gentle affection. You rest your weary head on Karlach’s warm shoulder and take one of Shadowheart’s hands in yours.

“You did so well around the wolves, princess.” You tell Shadowheart, giving her a squeeze. “How are you now?”

She sighs and tells you about how her fears have evolved following her confrontation with the Sharrans. The three of you chat about the day, about your journey so far, and comfort each other with open arms.

When it becomes hard to resist your eyes closing, Shadowheart piles her bedroll next to the one you share with Karlach and the animals wedge their way in.

***

As soon as your eyes open the next morning, you get up to seek out Astarion. You do your best to slip out from between Karlach and Shadowheart without waking them, but Karlach reaches for you as you get to your feet. You interlock your fingers with hers. “Tell him we love him, even if he pouts,” she yawns. You nod and press your lips to the back of her hand before taking your leave. You rinse your mouth with the dregs of last night’s tea and spit it into the ashes of the fire, slipping on your soft shoes.

Astarion is already in full armor when you go to him. You suddenly feel very conscious of the space between you. You ache to close the distance but some things need to be said first.

“Good morning,” you finally greet him. “How are you, beloved?”

He fidgets. “It feels ridiculous to still be thinking about Cazador. He’s gone, I’m here - I won.” A scowl. “But I keep reliving everything that happened. Playing it over and over again in my mind.”

“I don’t know if it’s quite as simple as ‘you won.’” You say slowly. “Even if the battle was just you avenging yourself against Cazador. But as it is, you also had to face the only family you know… that place. And your memories.”

You catch his eye. “Some of the people you thought you lost to Cazador might be free now.”

Astarion glances down and you can tell he’s wrestling with himself. “I freed them. But I also damned them.”

“You might have loved some of them, if circumstances had allowed.” His eyes snap to yours again. You smile at him. “The folk like Sebastian. I was moved.”

“Would you call it love?” Astarion puts his hands behind his head and shrugs. His tone is bitter. “Whatever I felt, when I felt anything at all, it was their doom. But I suppose that’s one of the consequences of freedom, isn’t it? Living with the choices you’ve made.”

You take a deep breath. “Living with the choices you’ve made can mean lots of things. Like this.” You offer your hands. Slowly, with care, he takes them.

“You can always get better at loving, Astarion, if that’s what you want. Even if the consequences of your choices are heavy, you’re not facing them alone. Every being here is at your side ’til the bitter end. And I do think that you will relish the chance to explore what you can be outside of pain and power plays.”

He shakes his head, agitated. His grip tightens. “Mmm. I- I came so close to losing everything back there. To losing myself. Back at the ritual, all I could see was the power on offer and the safety it promised. I was so blinded by it. Just as Cazador was.”

Astarion twines his fingers with yours.

“You saved me. I may not have appreciated it at the time, but I do now. Thank you.”

You look down at your hands clasped in front of you, heart full to overflowing. “I only did as my nature dictated. You were fighting your own battles and I was glad to have your back.”

“And if I had completed the ritual?”

You look up at him again. “You want to hear it now?”

His eyes are wide but his gaze is steady. “Yes.”

“I would have fought you til my last breath, beloved. Or yours. Your ambitions would have made a slave of me.”

He hesitates. “… And you’ve considered this before.”

“Many times.”

Astarion just spreads his hands, mouth open, speechless.

“I had to give you the best chance I could to find your feet.” You say quietly. “I told you I would do everything in my power to help you find peace and liberation. To determine the course of your own life. You deserve that as a thinking, feeling being, not just because you’re precious to me. Not just because you’ve suffered, either. You can’t tell me it wasn’t worth the risk when we are standing here together in the sunlight surrounded by people who love us.”

He starts to laugh incredulously, putting his head in his hands, a dazed expression on his face. He slaps a hand over his mouth, chortling, and looks at you with wide, staring eyes. “We are, at that. You… you kept your word.” He finally sees, really sees, where you are and the clan you’ve built around you.

Then he sighs and looks to the horizon, blinking in the light and shaking his head. “When I look at my future, anything and everything feels possible now. I can be whoever I decide Astarion is. And I get to share it, him, me… with you. As a partner. As an equal. This is a gift, you know. Thank you - I won’t forget it.”

You smile and sigh yourself. It’s hard to keep from welling up so you don’t try. An uneasy tension that has stretched between the two of you since your first meeting unbinds in this moment. You savor the release and let it give you strength.

The salt wind off the harbor blows strands of your hair around your face. Astarion reaches out to smooth them down. “Darling, did you rest in those braids?” He asks. “You’ve got flyaways all over the place.”

“I barely had enough energy to crawl into my bedroll last night.” You admit, reaching up to pat your head. “Did you do them so fancy yesterday because you were nervous? I don’t even know where to start taking them out, I can’t see the back of my head!”

“It was calming to have something tactile to focus on,” he admits. He steps closer, stroking your hair, caressing your face. “And you do cut a striking figure. I will never forget the image of you reaching out to me when I was trapped, my love.”

“I shall never forget the way you’re looking at me right now,” you say with the greatest affection. “Mmmm, kiss, please?”

Even his laugh is freer. “My sweet, I would like nothing better.”

He gathers you into his arms and you quickly realize how prickly his drow armor is when you’re just in your everyday clothes. “Ouch!”
 “Oops, sorry. Probably a design feature given the provenance.” He says.

You tilt your head playfully. “Hmm. How do you feel about getting more comfortable in your tent? Without the armor, I mean.”

He raises his eyebrows. “D’you mean?… sex, now?” You nod. “Sex. Now!”

He pulls you by the hand into his tent.

You hear Karlach yell across the camp. “So, who’s up for some pints?! Yenna, you feel like meeting a bard we know?” Everybody in the party sounds highly motivated to go day drinking.

Astarion closes the flap at the entrance and you get a chance to look around. There’s a very plush quilt on the ground along with several embroidered pillows, and a charcoal brazier is dying down to its last little embers after burning overnight.

You give him a stunned look.

“You stole my shit!”

You laugh like a loon as he just kind of blinks and shrugs. “Well, I was planning for a big night last night and I wanted you to be comfortable.”

“Beloved, please get out of that armor so I can kiss your face.”

He gives you his patented seductive smirk and gets to work undoing the buckles and straps holding everything together. Even with his practiced fingers, the pieces take some time to get off.

You sit down on your handmade quilt, and stretch your legs out in front of you, pointing and flexing your toes. You rearrange a couple of pillows behind your back and stretch your arms out overhead, leaning back into the motion. There’s a little nervous energy crackling in the air. After his pauldrons come up over his head, Astarion’s hair goes a little bit wild, like dandelion fluff, then the breastplate comes off and he’s down to his undershirt and trousers. He drops to his knees and crawls toward you, eyes smouldering. You bite your lip and feel a curl of satisfaction that doesn’t come from you. You become more aware of the edges of your auras blending together.

You don’t ground the sensation this time. You caress him without touching, a tendril of warmth pulled from the center of your heart winding through his awareness.

When you lean forward to brush your lips against his cheek, you feel the warmth in your heart begin to saturate your being. It emanates from you, radiates from you, and Astarion pulls away to look at you.

“Is this magic?”

“Erm, sort of. In the sense that connection is magical.” You say. “I… this is simply me with my shields down.”

He sits back on his heels, wearing an expression of scrutiny. He picks up one of your hands and kisses your fingertips, one by one. You flush, watching his face knowing that he can feel echos of your pleasure. Can he smell any changes in your scent? Hear your breathing and heartbeat get faster? Locking eyes with you, he bites down on the pad of your thumb with his blunt front teeth. You suck in a breath with a hiss, sitting straight up, chills running up and down your spine. Your flesh throbs between his teeth and you feel a flash of triumph from him before he lets go.

“And the effect goes both ways? You can feel me?”

“As long as you let me inside your defenses, yes. You have a potent presence, beloved.” He smirks in response.

Astarion moves in for a kiss through the haze of your arousal in the air. You can feel that he is pleased with himself, but his own passion only rises to meet yours as your lips touch, the kiss deepening immediately. You feel this facet of his hunger in a new way, it almost pulls at your bones. A longing to connect beneath the skin.

Every touch feels magnified. Like two stringed instruments vibrating to the same note, the edges of your individual perception blurs with his as the sensations you experience harmonize. Joining. Blending. Sharing. Your nerve endings sing to each other.

He breaks away to rest his forehead against yours. His head is buzzing. You take deep, slow breaths and empty your mind. You focus again on the warmth you feel for him in your heart.

“S-sorry.” His voice sounds worn somehow.

“Love you.” You feel him relax, sigh at your words. ”Not going anywhere.”

He holds still on hands and knees above your reclining body.

“Do you want soothing touch?”

“Mmm. Mmm-hmm. Ahem…yes.”

You nuzzle your face against Astarion’s. You stroke his upper arms and press your cheek to his cheek, slide your jaw along his like big cats scent marking. You rub your temples together and he inhales a whiff of your hair.

“thank you for saying the words,” you say softly next to his ear. “thank you for telling me what you want.”

You take his face in both your hands and whisper, “we can just be in each other’s energy, too. we don’t have to worry about what body parts go where. there’s no goal. there’s no rush. i want to know all of you.”

He raises his gaze to meet yours and you become aware of his lack of a heartbeat. A space that is at once full of shadows and empty of sensation exists between his lungs.

Your gentle smile carries the brightness of the sun and memories of golden afternoons. He half flinches, shudders, and you feel his hunger roar to life, filling the chasm in his chest with its reverberations.

Astarion’s scarlet eyes hold you. “I still want sex.” He says bluntly. “I need something. I need to be covered with you.”

Your heart is pounding and you can both hear it. “That - yes. Me, too.”

You watch his predator’s vision narrow focus on your face and the part of you that is a doorway to wild shape responds. You growl much more deeply than your vocal cords should allow.

Astarion growls with you and lays his body along the length of yours. Yes, there is sweetness between you, deep care, but also the blood of the hunt. Of the battlefield. Your life’s blood. You feel the connection pulsing in your veins. Even if his own heart is still something of a stranger to him, he is intimately familiar with his appetites. As are you. You press up into his chest to feel his voice rumbling through your flesh. He kisses your neck, sucks, licks, nibbles, pulling sensations out of you that feed his own desire, too, and you scratch your nails down his back, dragging at the cloth.

Now the energy is more like a push and pull. You caress his cheek with the back of your hand, kiss his brow and his eyelids, stroke the back of his neck. He leans into every touch, soaking in your body heat and your tenderness. When he kisses you again, you can taste the force that animates him in it. A yin to your yang.

“Mmmmmmmmm,” you hum with pleasure, warm and vibrant life force rippling from your voice. Astarion gasps, pupils dilated. You trace his bottom lip with your thumb and press the tip against one of his fangs. He feels the pain zap through you, watches it on your face, and kisses your wound before he takes your whole digit in his mouth. You spread your legs and start moving your pelvis against him and a garbled “Unh!” spills out from around your thumb. When he tastes you, you can feel your blood suffusing him and sharpening his senses. You feel him drinking your pleasure itself and the flavor of it washes over your tongue. It spreads warmth inside your chest like good liquor.

He releases your thumb to bend his head to your collarbone. He’s hungry for your soft places. Astarion makes sounds of delectation as he kisses his way down your shoulder, your arm, the crease of your elbow, inside your wrist, your palm. He sits up to pull his shirt off and then he holds you tight. His skin is cool at first. The touch of his torso against yours raises prickly gooseflesh and makes your nipples tighten. For his part, you can feel how welcoming he finds your heat as he snuggles in close.

It doesn’t take him long to warm. He’s been well-fed for quite some time now.

You flutter your eyelashes against his cheek and he chuffs a little laugh next to your ear.

“Darling, don’t be cute when I’m trying to ravage you.”

“Can you blame me for wanting to feel you with every part of my body?”

Astarion strokes your hair, sighs against your neck, nuzzling your face.

“I suppose when you put it like that… Should we get rid of the rest of these clothes?”

You look into his eyes and see happiness there. You kiss him, a bloom of heat that catches and spreads between you.

“Yes.”

You each sit up and undress, watching the other in the dappled shade of the tent.

His gaze has weight. You touch yourself where his eyes roam across your newly exposed skin. His nostrils flare and he raises his head. You can feel, and see as well, evidence of how exciting he finds this exploration. You can feel him basking in your joy.

He kisses you and you let your hands play across his chest, his shoulders. You scratch your nails lightly down his pecs and he takes your lower lip between his teeth, drawing a gasp from you. He bites down just a little bit too hard and you suddenly taste your own blood. The piercing pitch your voice hits when you cry out in pain makes him let go, startled backwards.

“Shit. Shit!” Astarion swears. His guards are still down. He’s surprised himself and you can feel the spikes of a rising panic. You hear Scratch barking and pawing at the tent flap and you reassure the dog in his language.

“Calm, beloved,” you tell Astarion, raising a hand to your bloody mouth. You close your eyes and hum a droning tone. The punctures close up under your fingers. The dull ache disappears.

When you look at him again, he’s still wide-eyed and he’s taking shallow breaths. He tentatively reaches out a hand to cup your cheek and you put your hand over his. You let the love in your heart swell and spill over as you press your face into his palm.

He blinks rapidly, holding himself rigid and still. You take measured, deep breaths, nuzzling into his hand. You can’t see the memories that are surfacing in him but you can feel how his nerves are steeling in the anticipation of pain.

“Beloved. Astarion.” Your voice still carries the resonance of your healing power. “My cherished one.” He seems to come alive to the here and now, meeting your eyes.

“I’m s-sorry,” he says roughly. Some of the warmth has retreated from his body.

“I’m ok. We’re ok. Are you intact, my love?”

He looks a little tired and waves of turbulent, mixed emotions under the surface of his gaze make your stomach flip flop. “You - it never wavers.”

“What?” You ask him softly, brow creased in concern.

“Your devotion.” Astarion sighs. “I couldn’t do anything right under Cazador and it gave him daily excuses to take it out of my hide. You keep reaching out, and trying to make things right.”

You turn your head and press a kiss in the hollow of the center of his palm.

“I do love you, you know.” He says with a slight tremor in his voice. “It scares the shit out of me.”

You stroke his forearm and lean into his hand on your cheek. “My brave, adventurous Star.”

Air escapes his lungs in a great whoosh. “Did I really hurt you?” He asks.

You smile. “Briefly. I’m all better now.”

Astarion smiles in return and his relief crashes over you like a tidal wave as your lips meet again. Not just relief at the forgiveness in this moment but relief from centuries of overwhelming pressure.

When his hands begin to trace the contours of your body they are warm, his touch sure. He runs his palms over your skin with smooth, flowing strokes, gripping and kneading where your flesh gives him purchase. He pulls at you and you mold yourself against him as best you can while you’re both sat down. The pace he sets is slow but the way he licks at the inside of your mouth, the way your head falls back as you open wide for his tongue, the pressure of his fingers on the back of your neck drawing you closer still hold an edge of ferocious need.

When he breaks away from you to let you catch your breath, you bury your face in the crook of his neck. One of your hands seeks his and your fingers twine together, separate. Now pressing palm to palm. Now clasped. He’s still got some lingering swirls of trepidation hovering about him, some shock, and some emotions dragged up from a darker time. But he’s happy, too.

You wonder at how dear Astarion’s face has become to you as he moves in for a kiss, and you feel a magnetic pull between the deepest parts of your bodies. Whatever restraint you had falls away under his insistent mouth and questing hands. He grows bolder the more he can sense you yielding to him. He is so very pleased with himself every time he kisses you to the point of breathlessness. When you next come up for air and try to get your bearings again, he eases an arm across your upper back.

“Lie back, love.” He urges.

Astarion supports your shoulders as you sink back onto the pillows and he settles in next to you. You take his free hand and brush feather-light kisses against his fingertips, one by one. He’s tracking your face, looking at you through lowered lashes. You place his hand over your heart and let go of the layers of protections you maintain. For this stolen moment of time together, you let go of your vigilance against the soul-snatchers you face, conflicts between the heavens and the hells with your whole band of travelers in the middle, the battles for collective survival. You open your heart to experience the breadth of love that exists beyond your body and Astarion is pulled along with you as he presses his hand into your heartbeat.

You are pollen riding the wind, swallowed up by velvet petals and leaving plants swollen with fruit. You are a salmon tasting traces of your home waters at the mouth of a river, gasping in the current, plunging forward toward your ultimate release. You are the streams fed full of snowmelt rising and overflowing their banks. You are lightning kissing sand. The sensuality of the universe enfolds you both. It lights you up.

You feel Astarion’s fingers flex against your chest. When your lips meet again, every lover in your lineage sighs with pleasure. It echoes in both your bodies, cell by cell. Your innate magic not only connects you to Astarion, but to every being who has joined like this across time. It’s his turn to gasp, out of breath and just this side of overstimulated. He stares into your eyes and it feels like his bruised and battered soul brushes up against yours. You smile at him. He smiles back, a bit incredulous.

He moves in slowly to share a kiss. He drinks in the energy you’ve raised together, moaning softly into your lips and around your tongue, growing even warmer under your hands. It feels like when he drains your blood but it’s as if you have oceans to give him, drawing from this collective well. He caresses the front of your body, sweeping his hand from sternum to collarbone. You arch up into his touch as he massages your chest, rolling your spine like the crest of a wave. He rolls right with you, lavishing smooth, flowing strokes over your tits, spanning your ribcage, and exploring the topography of your hips.

You splay one hand across his shoulder blades. His legs tangle with yours, your thighs slippery with sweat and desire. He abandons your lips to indulge his fascination with your neck. You sigh and cry out to him with birdsong in your voice. Astarion is so greedy for you. His hands are everywhere, petting, rubbing, squeezing, groping. Every part of you is alive to his touch.

“Beloved… please,” you catch yourself whimpering. The eddies of pleasure are gathering and building into a tempest.

“‘Please,’ what?” He pants against your skin. Your throat is going to be very colorful later, you can tell.

“I - OHhhhhh” is all you can manage to say as he tweaks your nipple. He rolls it between his finger and thumb, brushes it with his fingertips, palms it as he grabs a handful of your chest.

“OH!” You yelp. Astarion chuckles darkly, low in his throat. He languidly licks the column of your neck and holds you close while you writhe within the restraints of his arms. His hunger for you only grows the more you give yourself up him.

“Something in your blood is calling out to me,” he drawls. “You need only tell me what it is you’re craving, darling.”

You feel a rushing inward, the way starstuff surrenders to the join the core of a new sun being born.

“Oh-Open me!” You implore. “Join with me. Mmm, let me feel you.”

The look he gives you manages to be both tender and menacing at the same time. A snarl escapes him.

He relaxes his grip so that you can lie flat. One knee drops to the quilt and you throw the other leg over Astarion’s hip. He rubs the inside of your thigh, sliding his hand toward the source of your heat then away again. Your mouth drops open and you start to rock your pelvis toward his fingers. You look at him, his silver curls a darker gray where they’re stuck to his skin with perspiration. He’s intently watching the movement of your hips. You gently trace the taper of one ear with your index finger. His hand clamps around the meat at the top of your inner thigh, pulling you to press his whole body against your side. He lunges forward to suck your earlobe into his mouth, growling softly. He sounds so much louder, echoing in your head like thunder.

“Aahhh!” You exclaim, chest heaving. You’re able to raise one hip enough to plant the ball of your foot on the ground on the other side of his body. You use the leverage to grind your ass against his erection. He grunts, fingertips digging into the flesh near the apex of your thighs.

“ohhHHH beloved - PLEASE!” You’re begging but your voice is powerful. Resonant. Every wild shape you borrow roars their own demanding through you.

Astarion takes a shaky breath inward. “gods,” he mutters, taking the edge of your ear between his teeth and sliding the tip of his middle finger between your drooling pussy lips, gliding between them to circle your clit. There’s no friction but his motions are measured and deliberate. You spread your knees wider and match his movements with your pelvis. You stretch and bow your spine as he plucks his fingers across your clit.

“Delicious,” he sighs.

Astarion becomes enamored with the variety of noises you make as he changes the stimulation between your thighs. He moves his hips against the plush of your ass while he spreads your honey lips apart and shows off his dexterity. He uses his fingertips for a light touch, the flats to rub into swollen flesh. His whole hand massages you, slick with your juices, and you moan in rhythm with his strokes.

The pressure of his fingertips against your entrance makes you take a deep breath in. “Mmmmmmmm, yes. More.” He groans softly, making slow circles. He pushes, you pull, drawing his fingers deeper as your muscles relax. Your color is high in your cheeks as you toss your head to one side and bite your own hand. He inhales sharply and his hips snap once against yours. Even though you can feel the demanding of his desire through all your senses, Astarion is incredibly sensitive with his touch, waiting until he can feel you begin to thrust against his hand to work deeper inside you.

He reads you like you’ve made love together a thousand times. Every ripple of pleasure you feel, he amplifies. You contract around his fingers and he flexes just so. You moan and he answers you. Your posture grows tense and he twists his fingers as he languidly strokes inside you, watching your face. You’re riding his hand in earnest now, turning your head to meet his eyes. Astarion’s naked lust catches your breath in your chest. The handful of moments you’ve seen him so vulnerable are like precious jewels to be treasured and held up to the light.

“You’re intoxicating, sweetheart,” he says in a throaty voice. “More. Please.”

Your conscious thought is starting to get fuzzy around the edges. Every place his skin contacts yours is throbbing with heat. Behind his single-minded pursuit of rising sensation, you feel his yearning ache for relief. Yes, Astarion adores you in your pleasure. But something within 200 years of muscle memory will not allow him his release until you find your own fulfillment. All you have to do is surrender. You do so joyfully, with abandon, driving yourself onto his pumping fingers while one of your hands finds a hold in his hair.

“mm, mm, mm, mm mm mm mmf, mmmph mmmm ohhhHHHHH oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!” you moan as you feel the gathering ferocity of your orgasm.

“Let go,” he rasps. “Give it to me. Give in to me.”

The first pulse throws your head back. Your hips find an angle just right for Astarion to hit every sensitive spot within you with each thrust and you love it, you love him. You love him. The force of your own feeling is like standing under a waterfall as you pulse and pulse again crying “oh beloved!”

Astarion curls his arm around your shoulders so he can angle your face toward him. He watches you for a moment before leaning in for a kiss, devouring your sweet sounds as you shake and fall apart. It feels like the energy is too big for your skin, bursting out of you and rocking your body in the process. Astarion breaks the kiss and whispers “more. don’t stop. more.” as he crooks his fingers inside you and you gush your waters over his hand while you struggle to take a breath.

The sounds that come out of you are guttural and ungraceful. The only thing registering in your awareness besides the throes of your own ecstasy is the feel of Astarion’s fingers inside you and pressure of his erection against your ass. He moves his hips in time with yours. The whooshing drumbeat of your heart is loud in your ears as you are finally able to steady your breath and just rock with him for a bit while the aftershocks run through you.

When you lay still, panting, you and Astarion are entwined. Legs, arms, cum-slicked fingers. He rubs the top of your foot with his own, painstakingly presses a line of kisses from just under your ear to the tip of your shoulder. His hunger creeps back into the edges of your perception.

You shiver a little.

“Want you,” you rouse yourself enough to say. “Tired. But, d’you --“ He captures your lips with a breathy groan and the kiss feeds you a taste of the burning ache consuming him.

“Yes. Yes. Yes.” Astarion manages to say, punctuated by kisses. “More.”

“Scootch.” You tell him.

You resettle yourselves so you are face-to-face. You’re a little askew on your pillow so you move a bit underneath the stretch of his body so you have better support under your neck and shoulders. Astarion grabs another pillow and puts it under your bum to angle your pelvis nicely.

As he lowers himself on top of you, you notice his elbows trembling just slightly under his own weight. You look at his face and his curls are shimmying a little bit as he tries to hide a shiver from you. He is pushing a lot of emotion behind the need for release and his nervous system is approaching overload.

You hum a little without any real power behind it and just the sound of your voice causes the shiver to die down. Astarion comes down onto his elbows and rests his forehead against yours. The volume of his thoughts gets louder at the contact. You can’t make out words through your connection, but the wash of sensation you receive is almost like being pulled apart. You initiate a meditative breath and run your healer’s hands up his chest with enough pressure to ease some of the tension he is holding. He’s not breathing in this moment.

You rub the back of his neck and press kisses against his jawline.

He is trying his best to put something to voice right now and you can feel the individual emotions more clearly as he sorts through them himself. Fear and desire are dueling within his breast, battling alongside the insistence of hunger borne of long starvation, rage at the injustice of having been denied, and a loneliness that seems to be integrated into the very core of him.

His face crumples a bit. “What if it’s not enough?” Astarion asks.

“If what is not enough?” You ask him back.

“Love.”

You look in his eyes and there is almost a preemptive despair. Now that you are within his grasp, now that his master is dead, now that the barriers between you are down, what if love is not enough to slake this need that has hollowed him down to the bone? What if it’s not enough to win against the Absolute?

You take a deep breath and smile gently. “We can only find out by going forward and loving each other anyway.”

Astarion closes his eyes and inhales, mimicking your calming strategies. When he opens them again, he focuses briefly on your gaze before going in for a kiss.

It is expressive in a way that he rarely allows himself to be in words. This isn’t his practiced passion, it’s a crashing of teeth and tongues, senses tumbling into the abyss where his heart should beat and taking you along for the ride. His fingers drag at your cheeks as the numbing darkness of undeath within him threatens to swallow your light. But there is some echo of love in there as well, despite it all. Of rest, of unburdening, of tender silence. At least enough to let you both exist as yourselves.

When he pulls away to look at you, your mouths are bloody.

You lick your lips and where your tongue touches, golden lines of healing light follow. “Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.”

Astarion’s eyes go wide before they fill with need. “Tav, please… more!”

Almost to yourself, you mutter, “yesyesyesyesyesyesyes,” while you drape your arms about his shoulders and bring your knees up to the level of his hips. He dips his head down to you for a kiss and his hips switch against yours aimlessly, just sliding sensitive flesh over sensitive flesh. He varies his movements depending on what sounds he wants to get out of you and you are more than happy to give voice to your pleasure.

When a long, delicious stroke makes you buck up against him, Astarion murmurs low in your ear, “Guide me, sweetheart.”

You bite your swollen lip and reach down to position the head of his cock at your entrance. The soft “ah!” he gasps at your touch sends another surge of arousal through you. There is some shifting to make sure your connection is angled comfortably before he eases his pelvis forward and, inch by inch, buries himself in the heat of your body.

Astarion has pushed himself back up onto his hands and uses his center of gravity to drive his thrust home, bottoming out. You’re gasping and panting as you open for him, taking your hands and physically spreading your pussy apart for him so you can get closer. You feel him sink even the tiniest bit deeper and it’s worth it for the way the sensations are magnified. He grunts and you see his neck muscles tense as his whole body involuntarily rocks into yours.

You reach up and bring his face down to you for a kiss.

It takes Astarion a while to adjust to his new sensitivity, so you move at your leisure. You let go of the chorus and cacophony of creation that is the backdrop to your every day reality. Instead you find your focus being drawn to the little ways of encouraging your mutual pleasure. You feel his attention going to your breath so you press your chest to his chest and sigh. He groans, snaking his arms around you to grab your ass. You feel your joints get looser with desire as your knees fall open more and your inner muscles shift around erection. He pulls out just an inch only to lunge forward, bringing one knee up under your thigh and using his hold on you to grind your pelvis into his.

You wrap your arms around his shoulders and hang on for dear life.

Astarion caresses you everywhere he can reach and you can feel him savoring the way your nerve endings light up under his touch. He kisses you deeply as you moan for him and then props himself up on his hands.

His first big thrust pushes the breath out of you. “Ha-ah!” escapes your open mouth. You can’t help tossing your head back into the pillows.

His cock flexes inside you and, reflexively, you grip him back. Your eyes roll up as the delicious drag of his pumping starts to drive you wild.

“Gods, Tav… you.. unh,” is about all that Astarion can manage to utter. You can feel the knot of tension building in his guts, the energy and gravity of it almost crackling. Even then, you can feel his determination to make you come again.

You feel a tidal wave of love swelling within you. The undeniable truth of it causes Astarion’s breath to catch and the rhythm of his strokes grows more urgent. It is, perhaps, the first time he really recognizes a similar feeling within himself and knows himself capable of the kind of love he has craved for centuries.

You cry out together. He brings his forehead down to meet yours as you pulse around him and spill over once more in your release. Your neck goes loose and you toss your head from side to side, moaning his name. He grunts as he works you through your orgasm, his throbbing hardness moving in and out of your flesh driving you to greater heights. You shudder under him as you spill over again and again and again.

“Tav… I can’t…” Astarion says through gritted teeth. His face is twisted with need.

You’re breathless at this point, but you know what to tell him. “Drink, beloved,” you gasp.

His eyes widen. He rears back a little and then strikes at your neck. You’re deep enough in your pleasure that the impact feels good. As your life’s blood flows into him, he gulps it down greedily and it feels like he grows even more engorged inside of you. With your thrumming heartbeat against his tongue and the taste of your essence in his mouth, you come together.

You reach down and grab the back of his thighs to pull him closer. Astarion’s back arches and you can hear the wet slap of your bodies as he pounds into you, teeth still clamped in the meat of your neck. He finally has to let go of his bite as he spurts the last throes of his orgasm deep in your body. “hah! hah! hah-ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!” punctuates his thrusts.

He collapses on top of you, lying heart-to-heart and still open to you as you both bask in the afterglow.

You caress and pet each other, exhausted but still savoring this time of tenderness. At some point Astarion’s head plunks down on the pillow next to you. He cracks one crimson eye open to look at you. Your blood and his drool are dripping from his mouth onto your pillow. You see his throat work as he gulps, his open eye rolling back to show the white. His pink tongue licks every trace of you off his lips and fangs. Obscene.

He brings his hand up to your face, sweeping his thumb over your lips before kissing you again. There’s a subtle, soft sense of harmony between the two of you as you rest together, still entangled.

***

It’s very late in the afternoon before you feel like your legs are up to bearing your weight again. You pull on a shirt to wobble about camp and gather some supplies to wash with.

You and Astarion take turns wiping the sweat and various fluids off of each other’s bodies.

You’re rubbing the damp wash cloth across his upper back when he begins to talk.

“I’ve never bitten anyone accidentally,” he admitted. “Whenever I was close to living beings, every cell in my body would be screaming at me to feed and I’d simply snap at the air, or I’d go weak when I was seducing a mark and tried to steal a taste. So many times I wanted to tear into the person my body was fucking.”

Your mouth presses into a thin line but you say nothing at first. Instead you lean against him and put your arm around him. He blinks rapidly as the memories pass through him.

“Sweetheart, I still don’t fully understand how one goes about loving,” Astarion says. “But being able to be with you without the inner conflict goes a long way.”

You tuck his damp curls behind one ear. “Do you think we’ll get there, beloved?”

“This is the most hopeful I’ve felt, maybe ever, darling. I kind of hate it but here we are.”

You chuckle a little bit. “I can’t say I blame you in the slightest, but even so, I’m just so proud of you.”

He wrinkles his nose a bit before smirking at you. “Flattery will get you everywhere.”

He picks up the wash cloth and rinses it in the basin, wringing it out before he starts to rub down your back in turn. You relax and let your mind go blank at the touch of your lover.

Until…

“Astarion. I’ve got an idea.”

***

You feel tired and a little clumsy as you and Astarion make your way back to the cemetery. He’s half holding you up. You lean your heads together and chatter quietly to each other about nonsense. The setting sun casts the stone streets in shades of blazing orange and dusky purple. You lean on him, savoring the strength he’s forged over your time together. You watch him take everything in, just being with no agenda, and you fervently wish for more time like this. Please, you pray, let this man know peace.

You stand holding each other in silence when you reach his graveside. He nuzzles your hairline.

“Do what you came here to do, darling.” He murmurs. “I’ve got you.”

You smile and press a kiss against his jaw, take his hand to steady yourself as you kneel next to the plot. Astarion sits next to you and leans up against your side.

You rake your fingers through the soil to break it up. Once the earth atop the grave is soft and crumbly, you reach into a pouch on your belt and bring forth a handful of seeds. You scatter them across the surface and then you and Astarion both press them into the ground. You conjure a brief rainfall over the plot, waiting for the moisture to soak in before calling on more primal magic.

Astarion twines his fingers with yours. The connection hasn’t really faded. Perhaps you’ll always be able to feel each other. You clear your throat, take a deep breath, and sing one note; a pure tone redolent with life energy.

The seeds vibrate with your voice. You both feel each tiny, individual life awaken and begin to unfurl. Little rootlets spread into a net and extend down through the earth, reaching for the heart of the planet. Baby cotyledon leaves appear, then the true leaves, the plants’ growth fueled by your energies and nature asserting its influence in the midst of the city. Central stalks rise, stretching toward the last of the light. Deep purple blooms appear amidst the whorls of lance-shaped leaves.

When you stop singing, a stand of basalm plants grows atop the grave. You gather three plants to make a healing potion that Astarion can carry into the final battle. He tosses the Szarr family ring into the thicket.

You’re able to get to your feet without his help. Being a vessel for the primal forces restores your energy somewhat. When you’re both standing again, he gives you a lingering kiss. Your hands carry the scent of the healing herbs as you run your fingers through his hair.

As you stroll arm in arm back to your camp, you lean on Astarion again, more for comfort than support this time. You walk in companionable silence as the twilight deepens.

***

He wraps himself around you when you both go to your rest. When visions of bloody corridors and long-starved, neglected undead interrupt your trance, he comes awake too. You reach for his face, eyes wide in the low light. Your hands touch his hair, his cheek, his neck.

“you’re here with me,” you whisper urgently, “you never have to go back there again. never again!”

“shhhhhhh, darling. i’m here with you. i’m not going anywhere.” He whispers back.

You clutch at his shoulders, nerves electrified. “you got out. you got out. you’re here with me. you got out.”

“sweetheart… we’re both intact. i’m here with you.” Astarion gives you gentle kisses on your flushed face, holds you firmly as you shiver. “i’m here with you. breathe.”

You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You release your hold on his shirt and meet his gaze. “200 years. and you got out,” you say with awe. “you’re here with me.”

He kisses your lips. “i found you. and i’m here. with you. because of you.” He whispers, kissing your tears away.

[highlynerdy]

2024 year end Cdrama list

It's mid January and I'm finally getting around to finishing this up. I watched quite a lot of cdramas in 2024. Like. A lot. 28 dramas! (Plus a rewatch of Nirvana in Fire and Joy of Life 1) That might not sound like that much but the previous 2 years I watched 5 and 4 respectively. I was really inspired by @dangermousie 's wrap up list but decided to group mine by how much I enjoyed them since I watched both older and current dramas. Also, this list is just my personal opinions so if there's a drama on here that you loved and I didn't, that's just preference and not an attack on your taste. Secondly, this may contain spoilers for semi-recent dramas. And finally, I really did try to not be long winded but...yeah. Here we go.

❌ DROPPED SUPER EARLY Are You The One - the look of the drama and just the first two episodes were both nah for me.

Go East - I unfairly only gave this one episode so maybe I’ll check it out in the future but I just wasn’t vibing with the premise at all. I usually don’t go in for comedies to begin with. 

Princess Royal - I love both of the lead actors but I couldn’t get into it.

Love’s Rebellion - Nope. Two cutesy and not my style.

Mysterious Lotus Casebook - I tried three separate times to get into this drama and finally made it to episode 6 or 7 before realizing I just couldn’t do it.

⭐️ WATCHED A LOT BUT STILL DROPPED Love Game In Eastern Fantasy - This was so cute and funny and also gorgeous visuals. Yu Shuxin just shines in comedies. But somewhere around episode 24, I realized I had just been 2x speed going through everything for like three episodes so I dropped it.

The Story of Pearl Girl - I adore Zhao Lusi and Liu Yuning and I was so excited to see them together. But wow, this one was an absolute snoozefest. I gave it 16 episodes and I wish I had quit earlier. Uninteresting, uninspired, just a blah fest of a show.

Till the End of the Moon - this one might get me straight up assassinated because I know how much people love this show but I just could not get into it. I kept waiting and waiting to care and finally bailed after 36 episodes. The costumes were eye candy but that’s all I can say.

Destined - I wanted more Bai Jingting after watching him in Reset and New Life Begins but this drama just never grabbed me. I think I made it to episode 17 or 18 before calling it. 

In Blossom - Liu Yuexi is absolutely gorgeous in this drama but even his amazing gray streaked hair and beautifully haunted face couldn’t keep me interested in this drama after the reveal. 

Love and Redemption - another one that might get me shot for dropping because I know it’s a beloved classic. I gave it 31 episodes - more than halfway through the 59 episodes - before realizing that I hadn’t really cared all that much and watching an episode felt like a chore. I may try to pick it up again one day but life is too short and there are too many dramas to watch something I’m not vibing with.

⭐️⭐️⭐️ FINISHED AND LIKED BUT NOT LOVED The Romance of Tiger and Rose - I picked this after finishing MJTY and it was a fun little romp. Zhao Lusi is so comedically talented. But ultimately this was just a fun watch I didn’t think much of after I finished it.

Legend of Fuyao - this was a long one. It had some great moments, clearly defined arcs, and interesting characters. I finished it and enjoyed it while watching but I haven’t thought much about it since the end.

Story of Kunning Palace - I wanted to love this one. The opening scene was so fucking fire but the rest of the series didn’t really grab me. I think Zhang Linghe and Bai Lu just don’t have a believable chemistry to me. I shipped her with the princess far more.

Kill Me Love Me - This one started out like a rocket! The incredibly believable chemistry between two grown ass adults, the sex appeal, the unhinged potential. But it was a classic case of cdrama ending falling all to pieces. Too many hands in the pot lead to a WTF conclusion.

Lost You Forever 2 - Part 1 is one of my very favorites this year. But part 2 was a serious case of censorship absolutely destroying the logic of a story. I almost didn’t even finish it after what they did to CX’s character/the dream revelation but I still powered through to a thoroughly meh ending. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ REALLY LIKED Eternal Brotherhood - it took me two tries to get into this one but I’m glad I did. The three main ML’s had such an amazing relationship and I loved the complexity of their characters and their relationships. Love of Nirvana - The way they transformed the main couple from "trying to murder you repeatedly" to "you’re the only one for me and I'll die for you" was shocking and yet it was so believable?? Stellar. People had a fit about the ending but I thought it made sense for the story and that’s all I really care about.

The Rise of Ning - Zhang Wanyi getting to show off his patented smile turning into a terrifyingly menacing murder face?? Sign me up. He and Ren Min were a delight to watch together. 

A Familiar Stranger - my first mini drama! Cheng Lei was fire. Even though it was short, it somehow packed an entire story in there. I can’t wait to check out more mini dramas.

Snowfall - where were the censors?! Did the creators of Snowfall lock them away in a basement? This drama was a fever dream of WTF and it was so enjoyable. Gao Weiguang is one fine specimen and he played an eternal vamp so well. Ouyang Nana was a star too. 

Under The Skin 2 - Though I didn’t love this season as much as the first, it was still so enjoyable to see the gang back together again. And to see just how GAY they could make it. I struggled with a lot of the logic in some places but still enjoyed the look into the darker side of Shen Yi. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ LOVED My Journey to You - A visual fucking feast and was the most beautiful drama I’d ever seen until Fangs of Fortune (unsurprisingly also a GJM drama). I loved soft Gong Ziyu and poison baby Gong Yuanzhi.

Under The Skin - my first modern and my first cop drama. Honestly I only gave it a try because I needed more TJC after Lost You Forever. It was a great story, killer chemistry, and the art was incredible. 

The Double - a supremely satisfying revenge tale with killer performances from both leads and the main villain. Also gorgeously shot.

New Life Begins - I only checked this one out for more Bai Jingting after loving him in Reset. I’m glad I gave it a shot because even though it isn’t my normal kind of drama the cast and story were lovely and engaging. So much humor and sweetness.

The Story of Minglan - Epic. It’s a beloved classic for a reason. Minglan is a brilliant, patient, resourceful character who survives and thrives within the bounds of tough society and it’s heartbreaking and satisfying and moving throughout. It’s also like watching a play on screen because there are entire episodes that stay in one scene, with one camera. 

The Legend of Shen Li - silly, beautiful, romantic, angsty, action packed. Two grown ass humans in a gorgeous xianxia. The relationship was so satisfying to watch from beginning to end. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️➕ ABSOLUTE FAVES THAT REWIRED MY BRAIN Reset - This show was so incredibly done. Pacing, story, characters, the actual pressure I felt as they tried to figure it all out. Bai Jingting and Zhao Jinmai were brilliant separately and together. There was a side character in this that made me cry with happy, hopeful tears and I’ll never forget him. Cat apostle, my beloved. 

Lost You Forever - It was my first time watching every single one of the leads and I fell in love with every single one of them. I was addicted so early on that it was wild. Yang Zi as Xiao Yao played a FL that is allowed to be messy and unforgiving and broken. So much trauma from every single character that made sense within the universe. My very first ot3 vibes from XY/TSJ/XL too. 

Blossom - What an unexpected story for the end of the year! Meng Ziyi and Li Yunrui as two outrageously smart, hyper competent, constantly motivated leads?? No dumb, constant misunderstandings? Acting true to their character within the universe? Just a solid plot, Song Mo’s gorgeous gray wig, romance like you wouldn’t believe, and time travel! 

Fangs of Fortune - This show. THIS FUCKING AMAZING SHOW. The trailer made it look interesting, but there is no way in hell I expected the full choke-hold this story had on me. I woke up at like 7:30 in the morning to watch the new episodes. It was a visual feast that I’m not sure will ever be topped, unless it’s by another GJM drama. And the poly vibes were glorious as were the found family moments. I also cried so much in the last few episodes that my glasses were covered in tears and I could barely breathe through my nose. Wouldn’t have missed a single moment and I can’t wait to watch it again.

Joy of Life 2 - My beloved Joy of Life. It's truly a masterpiece of storytelling and acting. It was such a long wait between 1 and 2 that I was more than a little worried it wouldn’t be able to hold up, but ohhhhh it did. Almost the entire cast was back and on their A game. The balancing act of humor and drama was so perfectly done. A good continuation of the plot plus new characters to fall in love with and shenanigans to get into. Just. I can’t actually explain in words how much I love this story. 

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTERS

Fan Xian (Zhang Ruoyun), Joy of Life 2 - my favorite drama character of all time. He is at turns irreverent and serious, funny and devastating. He is smart, thoughtful, idealistic, and traumatized and through everything he still uses his power to fight injustices. Watching him try to balance everything is heartbreaking and inspiring and just so good.

Zhao Yuanzhou (Hou Minghao), Fangs of Fortune - HMH absolutely owned this role. A tortured, ancient demon who wants nothing more than to die as an escape from his suffering and regret finds so many reasons maybe living wouldn't be too bad. His story truly broke me.

Song Mo (Li Yunrui), Blossom - From a child who escaped a terrible father and grew up with his military uncle to an unyielding and honorable adult. He took his trauma and used it to make the world better place. Righteous to the point of endangering himself and others, and willing to do whatever to protect his people and uncover the truth.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTERS

Xiao Yao (Yang Zi), Lost You Forever - She!!!! Messy, broken, at times unforgiving, fiercely loving, loyal, playful, smart. One of the most of fleshed out female leads I've found in years of watching cdramas.

Dou Zhao (Meng Ziyi), Blossom - kind, smart, savvy, resourceful, and level headed. Yeah, she had a bit of a cheat code on take 2, but she utilized it so well without it being Girl Boss unrealistic.

Sheng Minglan (Zhao Liying), The Story of Minglan - watching her grow from a child to a girl to a woman and all the struggles she had to overcome was so enjoyable. Watching her confidence grow with the MLs steadfast support for her to not be a pushover was so pleasing. The moment she stood up to her family was a scene I watched over and over again.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Almost every single fucking Cdrama dad! But especially the dad from The Rise of Ning, both leads dad’s from The Story of Minglan, and Song Mo’s dad from Blossom.

BEST BAD GUYS The Emperor (Joy of Life 2) - The Emperor's charismatic nature that we saw in S1 definitely had some obvious and brutal slips this year. Orchestrating truly baffling scenes, executing vocal opponents, encouraging infighting with his sons, and then showing his power at the flower festival. Terrifying character.

Li Lun (Fangs of Fortune) - The exact kind of bad guy I love. Yes, I get why he was upset. Does that mean he had to go down the road he did? No. And that's why it was so satisfying and moving. At the heart of it he was just a broken soul who was abandoned and it festered. His redemption was beautiful and meaningful and became the reason I mad ship ZYZ/ZYC/and him.

“ARE THE CENSORS DEAD” AWARD

Pretty much could just point at almost all of Fangs of Fortune, most of Snowfall, and good portion of Kill Me, Love Me. I hope they continue to be off chasing butterflies somewhere.

FAVORITE SHIPS

Zhao Yuanzhou x Zhou Yichen/Wen Xiao/Li Lun (Fangs of Fortune) - I know only WX and him were canon but like. We all know what was going on. You can't have someone that magnetic, gorgeous, and powerful, who has bonkers chemistry with everyone, and not ship him with everyone in different variations.

Dou Zhao x Song Mo (Blossom) - It was outrageously satisfying watching these two be at odds with each other and even more so when they finally came together. The two of them were so in sync and supportive and just down to do whatever for the other. The wedding bracelet scene was just!!!

Shen Li x Xing Zhi (The Legend of Shen Li) - Two grown ass humans who are perfectly capable on their own, but even more capable together. The tension between them and the journey to break the bindings that trapped them both was a show to behold. He happy to be bossed around by his tiny wifey was 10/10. Plus they're just so gorgeous to look at.

FAVORITE SCENES

I have no idea how I could possibly narrow this down to a reasonable number because there were so many scenes that will live in my brain rent free forever. But ones that just pop out.

Fan Xian (Joy of Life 2) - watching the censor being executed was brutal in a way that I wasn't prepared for. But just like Teng Zijing's death in S1 being super formative to FX's character arc, this pain and unfair punishment also fueled his rage and righteousness. And ZRY's control and display of his emotions is unparalleled.

Shen Li (The Legend of Shen Li) exploding into flames and fury to become the phoenix and plummeting into the ocean to defeat the villain. Holy shit, what a visual.

Xiao Yao (Lost You Forever 1) kissing Tushan Jing's scars like. It was so tender and emotional and impactful. I swooned and squealed and fell so much more in love with them.

I don't know if it's a "favorite", but it is definitely one I will never forget. The rain execution scene in Eternal Brotherhood with Di Lun and Zichuan Xiu. The devastation he felt at this moment, I FELT.

Almost every scene in Fangs of Fortune. But every time a demon died, them turning into gorgeous sparkling light was a visual I'll never get over.

BEST COSTUMING

Fangs of Fortune - the work that went into the costuming on this show is bonkers. The detailing of all the motifs for each character, the fabrics, beading, accessories. I just want to bow down to the design team for how hard they went on this drama.

FAVORITE 2024 CDRAMA SONG

Yuanzhou's Youth (Hou Minghao), Fangs of Fortune - the way this song grows and builds and showcases not only HMH's lovely voice, but the essence of ZYZ's character made it my favorite of this year. The entire soundtrack is stellar though.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Lost Your Forever 2 - Just. The It Was All A Dream bullshit made me want to throw my tv out the window. It was a no for me.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

Fangs of Fortune was the biggest surprise for me for sure. But I was also pleasantly surprised by Blossom and Reset.

2024 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

I still want to check out Love In The Desert, Dashing Youth, Riverside Code at Qingming Festival, and War of Faith.

MOST ANTICIPATED

Veil of Shadows, A Dream Within A Dream, Legend of the Female General, and Love of the Divine Tree. But I'm sure there will be many more!

[bengiyo]

Ben's Big BL Blurb 4: I Hope I See Jay Sorathon Again

New year, new blurb. Time to reflect on a few shows finishing, talk about some new shows, and see where we're at in January.

Haunted Hearts Sucked

Final Verdict: 5.5, Not Recommended. Y'all don't need to watch this weird mess of a show. Despite joking about "devirginizing" its lead multiple times, it was so chaste in the end. It also did some weird world shenanigans I was not feeling. The leads are supposed to be in another Oxin Films project soon, so we'll see if they're better there.

Caged Again Flopped

Final Verdict: 6, Recommended Only For Jay Sorathon. This one really hurts me, because I genuinely loved the first half of this show. Jay Sorathon as Junior was one of the most refreshing experiences I've had in a while. This young actor is charming in a way that felt different, and I found myself enjoying every scene he was in because he could deliver what he was asked to do. However, the show generally failed to do much with most of its themes, and I think it was a real waste of Nokia and Jaonine as a pair. There were interesting themes about how Junior and Sun wanted different things out of their relationship that didn't get resolved, so all of their skinship felt disconnected from the big themes they were teasing out.

I am sad that I cannot really recommend this as a complete viewing experience, but I do not want that to detract from how much I enjoyed the entire cast's chemistry. I just cannot pretend that this show didn't peak at the gif used above before floundering completely.

An Apology to City of Stars

Final Verdict: 8, Recommended. I skipped this show originally because I was overloaded and unmoved by the first episode. However, this show was actually one of the most consistent narratives we've had about the consequences of fan culture, sponsorship, and commercialization of queer actors we've had this year. Unlike Only Boo!, this show inflicted real consequences on Feuang for coming out to the point that he essentially had to change careers (which happens to real actors all the time, going back as far or further than William Haines).

The leads also kept having sex after getting together! A novel experience! I loved that Krom had almost no swag, and Feuang fell for him entire on family photos and his mom gushing over him. He really won as a tech worker. Watch this if you're interested in seeing a show with clear ideas about the entertainment industry and are willing to deal with some weak acting.

Our Youth Left Me A Bit Wanting

Final Verdict 8: Recommended With Reservations. I wrote my write up for this already, and will say here that I like parts of this show a lot even though I wasn't fully satisfied by the viewing experience.

See Your Love Got All The Important Things Right

Final Verdict: 8, Recommended for the Mains. I will admit that I didn't much care for the side couple, but I loved Shaopeng and Sean's relationship. I loved that this wasn't a story about fixing someone's hearing so they could be in a romance. I also love that one of our final scenes in Shaopeng's dad telling Sean's dad to go fuck himself. The leads reminded me of Jimmy and Tommy from Why R U and I loved their work together.

Love in the Air Koi Was a Genuine Delight

Final Verdict: 9, Highly Recommended. I liked it a lot. I think new and old fans will be able to enjoy it. I have high hopes about cross-cultural adaptations as a result.

Love is Like a Poison Was Spectacular

Final Verdict: 9.5, Highly Recommended. I had so much fun with this show. I love that this show blended multiple genres together, and I loved that Shiba was always in a legal drama. By blending this together this way, the show supports the idea that the different ways we love and see the world are not incompatible in relationships. Shiba and Haruto are one of the best couples we had this past year, because they each made the other better, and they each add something to their relationship. Also, this show was actively horny the entire time. Run, do not walk, to support this show (if you can) on Netflix.

Fragrance You Inherit Was The One of the Kindest Shows I've Ever Seen

Final Verdict: 9.5, Highly Recommended. Thanks to the constant efforts of @isaksbestpillow we were able to enjoy this incredible show. @twig-tea already wrote a great review. I will be thinking about Sakura and Touki for years. I will just add that I really loved that Hoshii was just a goofy dude that loved the women in his home. He respected both of them, and was just so happy to be included in their shenanigans. I cannot overstate how much the episode where we met him properly kicked this show into overdrive for me. I loved that he was a good dad and husband and that it was clear his wife and daughter felt safe and happy around him. I loved that this show was about kind people doing their best.

Okay, on to the currently airing stuff.

Your Sky is Faltering, but I Still Like It (8/12)

Look, I am just not keen on the Oh redemption arc. I'm also feeling the show dragging its feet at this point. I also am not sure what the relationship between the various sides are contributing to this story. That being said, I continue to enjoy the chemistry between the leads, and I am looking forward to seeing their dating era. This show has been riding the line on the bubble, and I am curious to see where it lands.

Ossan's Love Thailand (1/12)

I've grown to love Ossan's Love over the last year, and so I was cautiously optimistic about this adaptation. I don't think the humor is as tight or zippy as I would expect, and I think the branded pair component is hurting some of the initial setup. I also feel like the shower scene shifted in a way that doesn't entirely work. In addition, making Kongdetch a widower slows down his dramatic development. I'll check in again next month.

Call Me By No Name Started Weird (1/8)

gif by @my-rose-tinted-glasses

This show got off to a moody and somewhat intriguing start. I am looking forward to our little gamer's interactions with this possibly-fey creature for the coming weeks. It's difficult when the show starts coy.

When It Rains It Pours Has an Uphill Battle (1/7)

I am personally interested in the journey this show wants to go on as what will more than likely be a double cheating narrative. I like that the show started with boy guys in relationships they feel a bit frustrated with due to a lack of intimacy that is being actively ignored by their respective partners. I'm also intrigued because both partners seem like they're overall committed to our leads. This one started off in a mild note, so I'm curious how it holds audience attention. Still, both leads had sad masturbation scenes, one explicitly remembering when his partner used to fuck him, so it has my attention.

That's all for now! I'll check back in with one of these in a few weeks and we'll see where we're at.

[skelleste]

2024 Art Summary

A selection of art from the past year. You can find a little about each image below.

Happy New Year (Again!)

Just like last time, it's time for another self-indulgent end-of-year post. A lot of things happened and unfortunately I don't feel that I made as much art as I did last year. I got bombarded with people asking me for art trades when I opened them last winter and I still haven't done most of them. I'm used to only a few randos that I mostly turn down requesting them, but having a bunch of friends ask all at once was a bit unexpected. If you're still waiting, I haven't forgotten and will make it eventually. Unfortunately I have the "I shouldn't draw for myself until I do my owed art" mentality most of the time and it just results in doing absolutely nothing because, quite frankly, I often don't want to draw other characters more than I want to draw my own. I'm going to have to be extremely selective about art trades going forward. I also moved this year for the first time ever, and that threw a big wrench in the works. The reason I moved so soon was because my insane sister was moving back in. She threatened to poop in my brother's bed (she's 22) and threatened both of us with violence and my parents were like "yeah that's fine". So uh, yeah, goodbye to living that sweet, sweet, chimpanzee lifestyle. All of that aside, I still made plenty of things, and I'll talk about a few of them here.

January

Some of the last comic panels I worked on before the art trade fiasco put working on the comic to a halt for almost a whole year. These are sketches, but the whole page is done now, of course. This was probably the most time-consuming panel so far, as I had to draw an indoor scene with 9 characters (technically 10 if you count Scott twice). I'm not sure if any of the panels that I have yet to work on will surpass this one in amount of time needed. There's a reason I made this one of the first scenes on the laundry list.

February

The first art trade. I had the pleasure of drawing Mumbo, Jumbo, Balder, and Dash for Chalkrub. I don't feel too great about the background, with its wonky perspective and odd colors, but everyone seems to like how it turned out anyway. It's my third most popular piece of art on this whole site as of writing this.

March

I made this for no reason other than I wanted to draw something edgy for edgy's sake. It had been a while since I made any art of this nature, and Ferdinand is my go to OC for it. My taste in art is not the same as what I draw. I make what I do because it's more about the enjoyment of the process than the aesthetic appeal of the final piece. When I focus on personal aesthetic appeal, I end up not drawing for 9 months at a time because I hate injuring my hand on inking all the time. So if you're some edgy artist and ever wondered why the fuck a cartoon shitposter extraordinaire follows you, there you go.

April

Another art trade, this time for 888goober888 on DeviantArt. A perfect example of a classic case of the eternal false promise "yeah I'll just finish this detail and then be done." And then there's 3,000 brushstrokes worth of individual grass blades. Tee hee.

May

This was a painting I started, and then put down because it was awful to work on, and then I picked it back up weeks later and finished it. The miseries I suffer for not trusting the process. It was a backburner project for a backburner project, which is the website. This painting is now the homepage background, ready to greet all visitors to my nonsense.

June

Commission for Porcumoose. I get the standard array of OC types in my commissions, because every client wants something different from the last. This time I felt very fortunate to draw something I personally like, and I this was my favorite commission from the whole year. This is my way of saying to the public at large "Please pay me to draw more spooky shit please please please".

July

Art Fight month again. I was planning on attempting longest chain with a friend, but he fell ill and we cancelled that plan. I decided to do a slow art year instead, which means fewer attacks with higher quality. My personal favorite from fighting for Team Stardust was this attack, Osireon (a fanmade eeveelution) for Sqveel. Thank you to everyone who attacked me! I always appreciate every single one. Next year is the big 10 year, and I plan on making it special.

August

August always begins with a week-long break from art for me, simply to rest after Art Fight. I also had a week-long vacation shortly thereafter, so half of my month was already spoken for. I had also started the process of moving and lost even more time to that. I can't recall exactly what all I made during then because it was very little, but one of them was certainly catgirl Maudlin. Here she is in all her glory.

September

This is when I moved, and I did not have access to the internet on my computer for a little while. I also spent much of my available drawing time working on a commission, so this was another month where I made very little for myself and cannot recall what little there was. Scatterbrain pineapple is going to teach you French while I jog my memory with blunt force and drywall.

October

Alright, now we're talking. On a whim I decided to participate in Goretober, because I couldn't stop thinking of stupid slapstick ideas and I thought someone scrolling through the tag and seeing this stupid shit randomly in the mix was funny. I was correct. I have one last prompt that I'll get to when I get to it, but aside from that one, this was my favorite drawing from the season. I think I've raised the bar on my own cursed content.

November

After Goretober, I took a break from regular drawing and leaned in favor of website progress. I made a handful of long-needed art assets, animated a custom cursor, created directories for future comic releases, and more. There is still much more to do, but a lot of the necessary code is sorted out.

December

Fuck those art trades (respectfully). I'll do them when I do them. I started working on the comic again for the first time since last February and I've already got a few more pages done. I don't really publicly talk about the comic very much, and yet I'll have random people take interest in the characters, the site, the prospect of a comic coming into existence, etc. and so I should really get on that. As much as the trades have been delayed, this is a project that was started much earlier and honestly could've been done by now if I didn't have to live for so long with people who are blasé about abusing each other. It needs to be completed.

These are just a small selection of my artworks throughout the past year. If you would like to see more, then you can peruse the blog. It's been my goal to get the comic done for the last two years, and we're going on year 3 now. Same old, same old. You'll see more art from me soon. I hope your new year is fruitful and full of peace. See you in 2025.

2023 || 2022

[bcacstuff]

It’s the end of an era: Sophie Skelton has starred as Brianna in Starz’s Scottish historical fantasy drama, Outlander, for 10 years. How does she feel about it all coming to an end? Mixed emotions, from the five stages of grief to feeling positive about ending on a high. For us viewers at home, however, there’s still plenty of time to say goodbye: the season 7B finale will air on 17 January 2025, while season 8 is slated to air in the second half of 2025. We sat down with Sophie to hear all about it – plus what the actress will star in next.

Interview: Sophie Skelton

Hi Sophie, how’s life going at the moment?

Good, thank you. I’m still processing 10 years of the end of an era! Caitríona [Balfe] and I have been talking about it for a while, because you go through the five stages of grief a little bit when you finish something like this. It’s such a rare occurrence for TV to go that long, and there’s no manual of how to deal with the end, so I think it was quite a roller coaster of, well, the grief process. But we’re both feeling quite at peace now. I for one feel like I’m in a good place – just winding down for Christmas so I can hit the ground running in 2025!

It’s the end of an era! How did it feel when you kind of got the news that Outlander season eight would be the end?

I think originally season 7 was going to be the end, and I’m just speculating here, but maybe part of the reason they split it into two is because they knew that season 8 was going to come. Maybe they were trying to bridge a gap with the strikes… I don’t know! But I feel like Brianna is in a really good place. I feel like I’ve done everything I can do with that character. She has been through more than most people would go through in multiple lifetimes. 

I think it’s always good to tap out while you’re ahead and not to milk something, so hopefully we’re ending on a high. Season 7B is great, but season 8 is honestly the best season – so I think it’s good to leave it there.

Are you all wrapped on season 8, too, then?

Officially, yeah. We were holding on by an emotional thread for a while, because we were sort of finishing, and then there was a second unit going, and then we had press, and then we had reshoots. But we are officially done. I think we’ve all had three wrap days, but the last one was really sweet. Caitríona wrapped and then she came in for my final scene, and then she hugged me, and that made me break down crying. Then she and I went to the next stage over for Sam [Heughan]’s final scene, which was the last one. Then we had a little hug, the three of us, so it was a really nice way to close it off. It felt very peaceful in the end. 

How would you describe Outlander season 7b?

For Brianna, honestly, quite lonely. It was an interesting season for me. We shot it about two years ago, so thinking back, I spent a large amount of the time with the kids. As they say, acting with animals and children are the two most challenging bits, and on Outlander we have a plethora of that going on! In terms of storyline, it’s one of the sides of Brianna that I really admire. She’s really come into herself as a mother, and seeing her click into action mode and the lengths she’ll go to to save her children is really admirable. Sometimes when she has to defend herself, she’s not as brazen, but as soon as it’s for someone else, especially her children, we see a side of Brianna that we haven’t seen before.

Rosa Morris (“Mandy”) and Sophie Skelton (“Brianna Fraser MacKenzie”) in Outlander season 7. (Starz)

You’ve played Brianna for a decade now. Is there anything special you do to get into character?

One thing we’re lucky with on Outlander is that the sets are so magnificent and vast. Whether we’re on location or they’ve built a fake village, as soon as you’re on set, you feel halfway into it. It’s the same with me having an American accent and the wig and the clothing – you’re halfway in already, so that does a bit of your prep for you. I know Brianna inside out now, so honestly, it’s quite easy to just stream into set. But to stop myself from coasting, I do research. And there were a lot of things I felt I could channel from my own life into Bri this season, so that helped.

Is there anything in season 7B you’re really excited for people to see?

I really enjoyed the scenes with Chris [Fulton], who plays Rob Cameron. That was a really fun dynamic. And as I say, because I spent a large amount of the second part with the kids, it was nice to have some adult energy. I really like his way of working. He’s quite similar to me in that you just don’t know what you’re going to get, and every take could be completely different. We really bounced off each other, and it kind of felt like being in a play, especially because some of our scenes were quite physical. There are a few more modern day action sequences from Brianna, too, which was a different form of stunts than we’ve done before. So I’m sure people will enjoy a little injection of 80s fight scenes.

Is there anything you can tease about Outlander season 8?

As ever with Outlander, there will be some reunions. There are probably going to be some deaths. The heartstrings are going to be a little bit torn… One of the most exciting things about it is that you’ve got so many old and new faces back. It just feels like a really big ensemble, and I think that that’s such a magnificent way to go out. It’s like a big bang.

Any standout moments from rehearsals or filming?

It’s quite rare that a lot of us get to do scenes together, so the dinner scenes where we have a large amount of the principal cast together are really fun. It always feels quite sentimental because they’re rare, and we never know if that’s going to be the last one. That wasn’t necessarily different, but season 8 had the extra layer of upcoming loss. But they’re always just lovely because Outlander is heavy, you know! We work in really tough weather conditions. We do long hours, we do long weeks, and we’re pretty much just in the dark, wind and rain of Scotland all the time. So when we get these indoor scenes where it’s really intimate, there’s candles, it’s all of us together, they’re really fond moments. It feels like you can really just relax and enjoy the day a little bit more, as opposed to battling all the elements constantly.

Are there any locations from filming that have stood out as a favorite, or anything that you would go back to in your own time?

The Clava Cairns are so beautiful. When you go there, honestly, it sounds quite corny, but you can feel the weight of the land. The air is dense. Not in a heavy way, but you can almost feel the energy of the history there. And the land is just so quiet. There’s always a beautiful moon or a beautiful sunrise. We actually had one scene there where the moon looked too fake. The real moon looked too fake! They had to blot it out and put a fake moon in, because they were like, ‘no one will believe this is real’. It’s always windy and icy cold and it’s brutal, but it’s absolutely stunning. Especially when we do night shoots there, the calm and the quiet and the stars… It’s just surreal.

Outlander is coming to an end, but the universe is going to continue in a different series. Are you excited to watch it? How did you feel about that when you heard the news?

It’s a funny thing with the prequel coming out, because we were on our final season when they filmed, so it was very different energies, having the two side by side. They’re all coming in fresh, whereas we’ve done 10 years of this. We want to make sure that we see it through and do it justice. We really wanted to make sure that our attention wasn’t split, so I don’t know too much about the prequel. 

I know that there are rumors of some other spin off series, too, and I know Diana might have written some other spin off books. It’s one of the biggest shows in the world, so I’m sure that those series will do super well. It’ll be exciting to see if there are any mini Briannas that spin off. It would be very interesting to see who takes her over at some point. 

Sophie Skelton (“Brianna Fraser MacKenzie”) in Outlander season 7. (Starz)

Looking at future projects, are there any genres you’re craving?

It’s not necessarily about genre for me; I think it’s more that I’m looking for completely different characters. A different accent, a completely different time period for a while, let’s get rid of the corset for a bit! But honestly, loads of different things. I started in musical theater on stage, so to do something in that realm would be amazing. I also love really gritty dramas – psychological stuff. Something like Black Swan would be the perfect merge of everything.

Have any of your other projects stood out to you as a career highlight?

I just finished quite a tricky shoot during the strike, a small independent movie called Row. It’s about the first team crossing the Atlantic Ocean, and semi based on a true story before it goes a lot more thriller-y. I’m playing this blonde hippie-ish girl from Surrey and filming was going to be in Malta, so I was like, ‘Yeah, cool, this is different to Outlander. Different accent, I’m on a boat in the middle of nowhere, but it’s Malta, great!’ There’s one scene where she’s in a bikini on the boat. Sounds fantastic! Then a couple of weeks before shooting, they said, ‘because of the strikes and everything else, we’re actually going to film it in John o’ Groats’ – which is pretty much the most northerly part of the UK. We had super bad weather – 100 mile per hour winds – so we had to stop shooting a lot and we got behind. We were just on a rowing boat in the middle of a water tank right next to the ocean on a cliff. It was intense. But honestly, I think the film is going to be beautiful. It looks really gritty. It’s so fun to play something different. I’m excited to see it.

Who has been your favourite actor to work with in the past?

I worked with Nick Cage ages ago, which was great. He was so lovely to me; that was a good shoot. On Outlander, working with Tobias Menzies was amazing. It was great to work with quite a lot of seasoned actors like Maria Doyle Kennedy, too.

Which co-star did you learn the most from?

Caitríona is amazing. She knows how to fight for her cast and crew, she will make sure that everyone’s looked after. There’s often a lot of hierarchy in TV and film. She’s number one, and she could easily stomp that around, but she doesn’t. She puts everybody on a level playing field and treats everyone the same. I really respect that.

Do you have a dream role?

I love biopics. I love going down a rabbit hole of research and having to perfect little tics that the real person has. I was thinking about La Vie en Rose the other day, the Edith Black one with Marion Cotillard. Something along that route would be really cool. And hey, if there’s ever an Audrey Hepburn biopic, I would love to do that.

Who is a writer or director you’d love to work with?

Jesse Armstong and the Duffer Brothers. I think their writing is just so smart. It flows beautifully, and it’s just so gritty.

How do you find balance in your personal and work lives?

Not sure if I’ve mastered that yet! I’ve always been a very hard worker. Even as a kid, I’d be in ballet every day, and 1000 hobbies. I’ve always managed to fit more in a day than most people. I’m not very good if I’m not busy, so I am trying to manage the shut off between the two now by writing music, doing art and playing piano.

How can we all live a little bit better?

Do small acts of self care for yourself all the time. Someone said it to me recently, and I hadn’t really realised it was a thing. They were like, ‘you’re very good at doing little things that set you up for success for your future self’. It sounds so silly, but it’s the smallest things, like putting stuff away the night before so you don’t wake up to a dirty kitchen in the morning, or just biting the bullet sometimes because you know that it’s going to matter more to your future self than it might do now. Small acts of kindness to yourself. Career wise, it’s so easy now to look on Instagram, for example, compare yourself and just feel shit, frankly. I just have this daily reminder: put on your blinkers and win your own race.

Sophie Skelton Recommends…

I’m currently watching… Shrinking

What I’m reading… The Best Minds by Jonathan Rosen

The last thing I watched (and loved) was… Poor Things

What I’m most looking forward to seeing… Gladiator II and Conclave

Favourite film of all time… Good Will Hunting and Uptown Girls

Band/singer I always have on repeat… Taylor Swift

My ultimate cultural recommendation… Talking to different cultures about how they celebrate the festive season.

Cultural guilty pleasure… Going to the pub for a roast every Sunday – the bottle of red with it is the guilty part!

[yuurei20]

Greetings! How true is that Yana is not involved in the writing of all events? Or is it only for the most recent one, Playful land? I'm a little confused.

Hello hello! Yana shares via Twitter what parts of what cards/events/stories/etc she was involved in every time something new is released, so I went through tweets from January of 2020 to November of 2023 to compare and contrast how she has described her role throughout the years, and compiled them here!

⚠️JP-server Only Visuals Spoiled Under the Cut⚠️

Vocabulary Review

・シナリオ: The English word “scenario,” this is an industry term that means “a written outline of a film, novel, or stage work giving details of the plot and individual scenes. It describes the sequence of scene changes, dialogue, and actions.” If Yana says she was in charge of the scenario for something, it is probably ok to assume that it was her project.

・原画(genga): The original artwork/initial visual concept upon which the final work was based

Ex: In this tweet Yana says she was in charge of the scenario, costume design and original card artwork for Fairy Gala.

・担当(tantou): The person in charge of something

・ディレクション: The English word “direction.”

Ex: In this tweet Yana says that she was in charge of direction for Malleus’ Birthday Jacket card.

・D-6th: This is Yana’s personal studio, which existed long before Twst and is also in charge of producing her manga (there seems to be a lot of overlap between the team that creates Black Butler and the Twst team, which she will sometimes reference in tweets). This seems to mean that there were multiple people involved in the creation process. It is unclear if she includes herself amongst the "D-6th" team, as sometimes she will specify that something was by her, something was by D-6th, or something was by both her and D-6th.

・弊社(heisha): a polite way of saying “my company,” this references Yana’s studio D-6th. 

Ex: In this tweet Yana says that while she did the scenario herself, the backgrounds and prop designs were by her studio.

The Main Story

Starting with the release of part 1 of Book 3 on JP server, Yana explains that she did the scenario, original artwork for the SSR cards, directed the vignettes and was in charge of character design.

For Book 7 she says she did the scenario and original character art/character designs, while some prop designs and background visuals were done by her studio.

Card Art

For Ortho’s dorm uniform design Yana explains that both she and her studio did the original art from start to finish (she did the original concept and story for the vignette), while she alone was in charge of the before/after groovy art from start to finish for Idia’s dorm uniform card.

She did the art for Leona and Riddle’s tsumsted cards (and direction for the other cards in the series), Sebek’s dorm uniform art from start to finish and and did art direction for the cards in the 2022 New Year’s set, while costume design was done by her studio.

Rook’s Clubwear, Ortho’s Cerberus Gear, Lilia’s General card, Rollo’s card and Grim’s D100 card are all credited to both Yana and her studio.

(We got a rare comment with the release of Ortho’s Cerberus Gear where she said, “We have an artist working with us who spent almost 20 years doing backgrounds for a certain, extremely famous robot anime. She oversees a lot of the background art designing. The background for Ortho’s Cerberus Gear card, the aircraft catapult, the facility seen in the groovy art—that is all her work. It really captures the moment of take off! Professional background artists are truly amazing, capable of designing everything from S.T.Y.X.’s futuristic aircraft catapult to homages of famous watercolor masterpieces." That is one of the artists that Yana is referring to when a design is attributed to D-6th.)

Birthdays

Yana was credited with direction for the Birthday Boy series, while Ortho’s design and direction was credited to her studio.

Yana credited her studio with the Birthday Jacket designs and scenario creation, saying that she was in charge of direction for the series (with Ortho’s gear design, direction and room design all credited to her studio).

For the Broom/Bloom series Yana says that she participated in concept/costume design and was in charge of direction (with D-6th credited with the art direction and gear design for Ortho).

The art for the platinum series (including the backgrounds) is credited to the staff of D-6th, with Yana in charge of direction.

Events

Yana explains she did all the original art for all of the cards, the scenarios and direction for Beanfest, Fairy Gala and Phantom Bride (she also created the scenarios for all the vignettes).

She also created the story and did all of the card art and direction for Terror is Trending and Spectral Soiree.

For Port Fest she specified that she did the original art for Jack’s SSR and did direction for the remaining cards, crediting her studio with costume/background designs.

Yana created the scenario, character design, SSR card art (from start to finish) and did art direction for the R and SR cards of Glorious Masquerade, crediting herself and her studio with the costume/mask designs, background designs, and opening and ending screens.

She says she participated in card art direction for the R and SR cards in the Lost in the Book with Stitch event, crediting the costume designs, scenario creation, background visuals, SSR Lilia, SSR Floyd, original card art and creation to her studio.

Stage in Playfulland character design, costume design, scenario creation, card art direction, background visuals and Opening/Ending art are also all credited to her studio.

(To answer the initial question: the only difference seems to be that Playfulland is credited entirely to her studio without Yana specifying how she was involved, whereas she took credit for the scenario writing in Glorious Masquerade, Spectral Soiree and Terror is Trending. While not the first time this has happened in the game (Yana also did not specify her role in the Tamashina Mina event, attributing costume design, background visuals, the Opening/Ending, the setting/card art direction and character design only to D-6th), this was the first time it’s happened with a Halloween event.)

Novel

Yana says she was in charge of the concept, the in-novel art, cover and fold-out art in the novels, while Hioki Jun (a Twst vignette/event scenario writer) created the novel scenarios. 

Comic

The artist and designer behind the 1st and 3rd comic arcs are both from Yana’s studio D-6th, doing background and card art for Twst (and one of them also works on Black Butler).

Yana says that her role is overall collaboration, character design and character creation (she says that in addition to creating the basis for Trey’s parents she also designed Riddle’s mother, including her face, but they ultimately left her in silhouette).

It is difficult to tell what Yana means by “overall collaboration," but she has shared a tweet about drawing the characters out herself for the actual artists to base their work on. (This might not apply to the artist of the Savanaclaw arc, who is not a member of D-6th)

[forabeatofadrum]

2024 Writing Round-Up

It's the last SSS/WW for the year and I have nothing to share, since I finished Ever After and am not itching to start something new (and I'm back on my Persona bullshit). Luckily, @that-disabled-princess tagged me in this writing round-up, so I am doing that instead. Please enjoy my bespoke banner.

I posted 10 works on AO3, with three being WIPs. I have published 85,165 words in 2024. Oh boy, let's get into it under the cut

I did actually publish stuff in January and February, but those were multichaptered things, and I am putting the works in the months I finished them/last updated them.

So, with that said, let's start in March!

MARCH 🪻

February Friday Event 2024 (Radio Silence, gen, WIP)

I have written 2 of the 4 prompts for the February Friday event. I started the other two, but I just.... haven't finished them. I should. I liked what I have written for it. Completing this fic wasn't a priority and it shows. Oof.

吃了吗? (Glee, Tike, 1.564 words)

Part of the series that explores the Asianness in Glee, and yes, it was me projecting on Tina again. Tina feels disconnected from her Korean heritage due to her adoption. Oop. I really, really liked this one and I think it's one of the best titles of the year. Yes, the title is Chinese, not Korean, since it mostly takes place in a Chinese restaurant. Mutual, 你吃饭了吗？

APRIL ❤️

All of me loves all of you (Class, Charlie/Matteusz, 2.598 words)

A story idea that I have had for years and I'm glad I finally wrote it down. Charlie is an alien, gasp! And he only looks human. In this fic, he shows Matteusz his alien self and reflects on his human disguise. I'm really, really happy with this one and it's one of the reasons that my love for Class reawakened this year.

MAY 🌻

Just Some Guy (Carry On, Snowbaz + Matt/Leslie, 15.664 words)

HONESTLY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER WRITTEN, if I may so myself. It's Snowbaz's 7.25's canon years at Watford from the perspective of someone who doesn't give a shit about them. I fucking love this fic. I fucking love MCD (Matt Christopher Davis) and I loved writing how disinterested he is in the whole Chosen One shenanigans. It makes for a fun fic, but it also makes sense if you look at the state of the world. So many people keep living ordinary lives while weird shit happens, and MCD is just ordinary. He's just some guy.

JULY 🌼

Find My Way (Legally Blonde, gen, 1.358 words)

I was on a Christian Borle binge during the summer, so I rewatched the musical Legally Blonde and this fic is a missing scene. Vivian realises what is happening and decides to break up with Warner and back-up Elle. I think it's neat.

OCTOBER 😺

What's in the name? (Glee, multi, WIP)

The first multichaptered installment of my Asianness in Glee series and it's all about names. It's partially me trying to make sense of some of Glee's choices, and me lifting from my life again. I have published Wes and Yu-Jin's and Tina's chapters. The one for Blaine is not written and I have started the one with Mike and Tina. I'm struggling with the latter, especially since I don't really understand Mike's circumstances either.

Ljubili se (Glee, Klaine, WIP)

Ah, yes, the fic that I love but also regret. I've started it for the 2023 Klaine December Challenge. I am just stuck on it, even though I have cool stuff written for it. I just don't know what to do with this one, to be honest. I want to finish it, but I have also realised that I don't like writing it anymore because I am so stuck on it. I am waiting for the inspiration to strike and for my passion to be re-ignited, because do I regret it? I also like writing it when I am writing it. And I am excited to share what I have for later chapters. There's a lil moment where Cooper tries to flirt with Denise and Quinn and Blaine are standing there like🧍‍♀️🧍‍♂️. I will see where this fic will take me, I guess.

The Mars fic (Glee, Klaine, 56 words)

An inside joke that is a sequel to an inside joke! BOOP! I peaked here.

DECEMBER 🕯️

All's fair in love and war (Class, Charlie/Matteusz + Matteusz & Quill, 16.646 words)

The story that deserves better, since it has, like, 9 hits, but hey, that is what happens when you write for a small fandom. Which is a shame, cause this is also one of the best things I have written this year and I also enjoyed it a lot. I loved delving into the morality of the show Class through Matteusz, who is a middle man in-between two people with extreme conflicting opinions. And he loves both of them. Please watch Class, and read my fic after that!

Ever After (Glee, Klaine, 30.624 words)

The fic for the 2024 Klaine December Fanworks Challenge, which I did finish! Blaine is living in the kingdom of Daltonia, and Kurt is stranded in this place, so Blaine tries to help him get home.... to another world. I had a lot of fun, especially since I stopped Ljubili se for it, and it reminded how much I love writing Klaine. I also liked my world building here. I just think it is neat. I really enjoyed this one. I think I left some things open, since I didn't have room for more, but December was Ever After thought almost 24/7.

And now, the weather: @quizasvivamos @coffeegleek @caramelcoffeeaddict @raenestee @tectonicduck 

@nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer

@special-bc-ur-part-of-it @larkral @cutestkilla​ @wellbelesbian​

@artsyunderstudy​ @facewithoutheart​ @shrekgogurt @rockitmans @bitbybitwrites 

@whatevertheweather @shame-is-a-wasted-emotion @esilher @kurtsascot @blackberrysummerblog 

@nightimedreamersghost @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thnxforknowingme @martsonmars

[hooked-on-elvis]

"He never used his star power — never. Maybe he should have."

Actress Millie Perkins on working with Elvis Presley

Millie Perkins (87 years old) was born in May 12, 1936 in Passaic, New Jersey. Perkins is now retired from working in film and television besides a modelling career as well. After playing the title role in the 1959 movie "THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK", "WILD IN THE COUNTRY" (1961) was Millie Perkins's second movie. She was just about Elvis' own age when they worked together. The filming for Wild In The Country took place between November 1960 and January 1961. Millie was a 24-year-old actress and Elvis turned 26 by the time the movie principal photography was finished in January 1961. In a 1990 interview she talked a bit about her impressions on Elvis Presley while working with him in the early 60s:

"Elvis turned out to be someone I liked very much. I felt there was a man with a heart and soul there who truly cared about people. Certainly he treated me as if he cared about me; there was a mutual respect between us. But his life was on a level that my life was not on. I was married to Dean Stockwell at the time, and he was — I felt like he was drifting. The guys were on the set every day, you know, wrestling on the floor. I didn’t even know what girls he was dating at the time, because it didn’t interest me, his personal life seemed so silly. And yet I knew he was a victim of it. I felt like Philip Dunne [Wild In The Country's director] fawned all over Elvis. Elvis’ attitude was — I saw Elvis looking around that set and summing up people faster than anyone else could have, and I felt that after a short period of time he was disappointed in Philip Dunne, but he was too polite and well behaved to say anything. He tried very hard to make this film better than his other movies, and you saw him trying and asking questions. And I just believe the sad thing is that [the director] did not have the ability to help Elvis through it. I remember doing this one scene; we were sitting in the truck, and we were supposed to be driving home from a dance or going to a dance, and in the script he was supposed to break into song, turn on the radio and start singing. And to me it was like, "Yuck," I was very young, and I thought, "My sisters are going to tease me, this is so embarrassing and tasteless." You see, I was a snob, too. But — and this was the nicest thing — while we were rehearsing, finally the director walked away, and Elvis looks at me and says, "God, this is so embarrassing. Nobody would ever do this in real life. Why are they making me do this?" So there we were, both of us having to do something and we just wanted to vomit. He never used his star power — never. Maybe he should have. Maybe he did it on some other level, but he sure didn’t do it on the set. I felt like he was younger than me, this very humble person who would make statements about what he believed in. And I would think, "He’s saying that to show me he’s a fine human being." All I know is that there was a person there with a refined heart and soul, and I say refined on any level you want to look at it. When you meet someone like that, you know they’re there, even if they’re sitting there eating fifteen lollipops — that’s beside the point. That’s just what they’re doing at that time, but that’s not the essence of the person. The essence of Elvis was as fine a person as I’ve ever met; he treated me as well as anyone has ever treated me in this business."

— Millie Perkins (Betty Lee Parsons in Wild In The Country) about working with Elvis Presley. This 1990's interview excerpt was taken from the book in which it was quoted, "Careless Love: The Unmaking of Elvis Presley" by Peter Guralnick (1998).

Millie Perkins as Betty Lee Parsons and Elvis Presley as Glenn Tyler in Wild In The Country (1961)

Millie Perkins as Anne Frank in George Stevens' "The Diary of Anne Frank" (1959).

[yoonia]

Writing Update: 06.05.2024

It's time for my regular update report drop to let you know that I'm still alive! Below are the fics that I've been working on and will be releasing (hopefully this month):

Bedroom Hymns (myg x reader) ⏤ this month's target/estimated word count: chapter(s) 18, 19, 20; 16k words total ⏤ progress written: 6,4k words of the total word count goal (first draft writing) I keep jumping between scenes, so even if I'm close to finishing chapter 18 at the moment, I'm not sure if I'll be posting it soon since I've been moving to other scenes/chapters between writing this part. These next few chapters are going to be so much fun to read. I promise :)

Ever a Never After (jjk x reader; ksj x reader)  ⏤ this week's target/estimated word count: act 1; 12k words ⏤ progress written: 6,2k words (final draft writing) I switched my writing process with this one by finalising a scene before moving onto the next since I wanted to have an opening scene/prologue that is fun for everyone to read. I'm also using a couple of beta readers to help me work on this one which is why the process takes a bit longer than usual

Hot Mess (kth x reader) ⏤ estimated word count: 6-7k words ⏤ progress written: 2,5k words (first-second draft writing) Why did the number decrease, you ask? Because I've been re-writing it from the start lol. I actually finished this fic a while ago after sharing the progress back in January, but I didn't like the story flow and how everything went. So I scrapped everything and started over when I opened the draft again a couple of days ago. I'm pretty sure I can finish this one nicely this time

I'm going to continue working on these fics with the hope of dropping something new this week. See you then.

note | If you’re interested in being added into my permanent taglist, please enter your url on this link or if you want to be tagged for EANA, drop your url here. If you only want to be added on a specific update, please add your url and the fic you’re looking for in the replies below, and remember to make sure that your url can be easily found/tagged. You can also subscribe to my Patreon to gain access to my writing journal and watch my daily writing process.

xoxo, Dia

[hardtofindneuro]

hello friends, i am here to follow scoops’ idea, and other writers, in ranking my own fics from least favorite to my absolute favorite. sex-mas isn’t in here because shiv and i co-wrote it, but go check it out!

i’ve also been writing a lot behind the scenes. i have so many wips in progress but im excited to share those with y’all in 2025!! also just so everyone knows, im so shook by how much i wrote this year?? didn’t i take a break? like multiple breaks? how did i write 20 fics, plus literally 19 wips? i don’t know. i really don’t. so sorry this is long!!

in last place, 20th: wrong costume. i actually had fun writing this fic! it was just like, a little insane and i was laughing the entire time i wrote it. definitely just a fun little thing i wrote for halloween season while learning to love writing again.

19th: a new meaning to halloween. this was cute! i had fun writing this one too, but it was just a short thing i ended up throwing together for halloween again. i don’t dislike it at all, actually i really like it, but i wrote so many fics this year that were very meaningful to me so that’s why this is at the caboose. dnf mpreg and gender reveals are always fun to write though.

18th: teach me. listen, i know a lot of people loved this fic and it has a special place in my heart, but it’s not my favorite. i was pushing myself to write it and post it while going through some stuff, and my writing has changed a lot since then. this fic was based on a real life excel sheet shiver shared with me that she was sending tinder men, btw. yes, you read that correctly. shiver canon.

17th: take control. this was just fun to write inspired by dnf being in minecraft lol. this was the first time since like, january, that i wrote smut and it wasn’t so extremely painful. it was finally fun again to write it and i wasn’t having to push myself to do it.

16th: gift a kiss. dream’s birthday fic. i wrote this super last minute but it was still really fun to write!

15th: first times. another one i liked writing, inspired by the hurricane. i wrote this so fast it’s a little ridiculous tbh but i like the final version i posted. i loved watching dream’s hurricane stream lol

14th: same day, different george. this was cute and i enjoyed writing something for the little anniversary. can’t believe george has been in florida this long already!

13th: fear. this fic has a special place in my heart. it was personal in a way that most things aren’t for me, and i was terrified to post it so i kept it off twitter & whatnot but im proud of how it came out in the end.

12th: life is a hardship. another one that was really personal and close to the heart. learning a lot about self care and love this year, and i know these types of fics aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but those who do like them seem to relate and find comfort in them which means a lot.

11th: it’s just hair. idk why i enjoyed this one so much. i think i just liked writing the dnf dynamic in this one and playing around with the idea of dream’s haircut to cope with the loss of curls, however i do like his hair now lol. it was just a shock before

10th: embrace the differences. this fic was just so out of my comfort zone i can’t believe i even got this idea out of the “idea” phase lol. it was a bit hard for me to finish but once i got into the groove, it was cool to play with it. i almost always write canon divergent so this was completely different and i’d love to try something like it again!

9th: it’s not a wedding. i don’t know why this was so hard to write but this took me so, so long but the end product was something i enjoyed. definitely fun to get started and i was glad to persevere on it, even though i was frustrated at the end.

8th: drowning. i just hold this this fic close to my heart. it was the first thing i wrote in second pov and again, not everyone’s taste, but something about writing in second pov makes it feel more personal to me and it was nice to switch it up. at this point, i was very unmotivated and the pov change made writing something i wanted to do again.

7th: label-less. not tons of aroace representation in fics so i thought it would be nice to give it some rep, especially because we all kind of have different views and experiences with it. i’m pretty open about my sexuality here but this was the first time i really wrote about it and it just kind of felt freeing, and during pride month!

6th: love big, love easy. hurt my heart in the way i love when angst hurts my heart to write. got to bring in old lore and stuff to play around.

5th: football BINGO. this was inspired by a tweet and that tik tok trend going around. top tier excitement and joy when writing this, just complete fluff which isn’t usual for me but i enjoyed this one for sure!

4th: going through the motions. this was the first thing i wrote and posted after all the drama in january, and march. it was also the first thing i really wrote and posted that was so personal, which was terrifying, but everyone was extremely kind to me about it and im proud that i took the risk to post it.

3rd: comeback, baby. literally so much fun to write. i had started this a million years ago and then george’s birthday stream ended up being so dnf insane that i ended up speedrunning the last 10k of it in less than a day. awesome stream and dream is insane for saying he was going to impregnate george. that’s all.

2nd: erase. this fic is just so personal and so different from my usual stuff. it’s not something many people read and that’s totally okay, but the people that did read it seemed to really be impacted by it and that’s all i could ever ask when anyone reads my fics. especially ones like this one.

and at number 1, surprise (not), is love you always. as many of you know, i decided to post this fic after my grandfather passed. this fic means the world to me and i recently just lost my grandma as well. i’m really hard on myself about pretty much everything but im truly proud of this fic. everything about posting this sucked and it really fucked me up, but it was worth the impact it made on others & how proud i am of it.

[zuzsenpai]

Zuzu's fanworks year in review 2024

So as a lot of you are probably aware, I had a downright awful year for both my physical and mental health. The hits just kept on coming. It seriously hindered my creativity, which bothered me a lot given how productive my 2023 had been. But I'm not here to spend paragraphs being angsty about all the things I could have done, because there's really no point in that? The year is over. So instead I'm going to try and focus on what I did do, and what I would like to feel good enough to accomplish in 2025.

Fanart:

January: A Koushiro birthday present (Digimon) for my wonderful friend Hidden. And the Miles and Uncle Ray (Ace Attorney) bonding time they deserve.

February: Do you like Ace Attorney? Do you like sharks? This happened. I had SO MUCH FUN with these

August: Yamato reunited with the swan boat (Digimon). And Jou and Mimi reenacted a scene from the Digimon 25th anniversary video. This second one in particular I love the coloring I did.

October: Digimon LOST AU headcanons, Koushiro Week edition. See fanfic section for more details on this set of headcanons

December: Another Ace Attorney Uncle Ray fanart which I will be publishing tomorrow, so stay tuned for that!

Fanfiction/Headcanons:

January: I published the final chapter of "So Come and Dance with Me", my Daisuke/Michael Digimon fic which had taken a year to finish. I am really proud of this one, because I felt like I was able to take a character we know very little about, and flesh him out as an adult.

February through July: I wrote over 100k words of a fanfic I decided not to publish, or even talk about very much. I did this for two reasons: one, because I wanted to write something that was just for me. Something to reread whenever I want and say "Wow this is mine and it's exactly what I wanted." And two, because I was getting way too focused on engagement and the positive and negative feelings associated with it. Did this help with that second part? Who knows! But I enjoy the fic a lot, and I plan on coming back to it for at least another 100k words.

October through December: I watched Billiam's LOST retrospective and decided I needed to make it about Digimon. I do plan on continuing these headcanons, whether they become a fanfic or not. Because I love Digimon and I love LOST. They're the same show.

Upcoming in 2025:

Fanfiction: Edit and publish the three NaNo 2023 chapters of "Somewhere Only We Know".

Headcanons: More Digimon LOST AU!

Roleplay: To hone my writing skills, I plan to start doing discord roleplay again, probably starting with Digimon and eventually moving on to Ace Attorney

Video Games: Hello Kitty Island Adventure, AA replay

Cosplay: Beanix (Ace Attorney) and Lofi Girl

New Year's Resolution: To read a new manga series every month and to go through my entire "Watch Later" playlist on YouTube

Other: Isopod terrarium!

All in all, I am pretty happy with and proud of everything I accomplished this year, whether I shared it or not. In the coming year, I'm not going to push myself too much or fret about not doing anything. I absolutely want to enjoy what I work on. And if that's only like half of one of those above things, I want to be proud of that.

Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who talked to me, helped me, and engaged with my works and my life in general this year. I love you all and I hope we all continue to love each other next year too.

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

2023, it cannot be overstated, was a terrible year for me. We started out strong with an episode of True Love that turned out in fact to be entirely false and not reciprocated. (I've got over that, finally, but it was awkward... I posted about it a bit at the time, along with a lot of what I'm about to tell you.) Anyway, I also basically didn't eat for two weeks in January: only partially related to that. February was even more terrible, but with one bright spot: the terribleness pushed me to finally seek professional help for my longstanding anorexia. I was finally going to choose to recover and it would never bother me again.

Haha anyway I was also severely depressed and anxious so that happened. I had a good solid try at recovery and it seemed like it was going pretty well for a while, yay. Went back to uni after a year out, in the middle of the year. Ended up living with my brother 'just for the semester and after that you've got to find your own accommodation' (I'm still at his place). Anyway things got real bad and I honestly can't remember most of that patch, but I can still see the scars.

Anyway. You're probably wondering why I'm saying this stuff. In November, December, I can't remember precisely when, the Inklings Christmas challenge got posted.

Severely depressed, barely doing anything, only surviving and waiting for things to get better while doctors assessed me to figure out what was going on behind the major depressive disorder (spoiler: undiagnosed ASD), I said, well, why not. I still had remnants of my previous overachieving nature, so why not write something for all twelve days of Christmas, not just a single short story or scene? And I dug back in my memory for the fragments of a plot I worked out when I was twelve years old, remembered the characters, remembered that the main character was one I'd internally laughed about accidentally making autistic in the past.

So I went, what if I just pretend that the story I'd imagined was five years earlier, pretend that the novel I had never written was actually written, and write a slice-of-life sequel to it, featuring the same characters? I remember going to a session with my psych at the time and telling her about this story, but vaguely and quickly, because we were going to run out of time. I talked like I intended to and expected to finish it, but internally, I was going: I will not finish it. I've already proven that I cannot stick to things. (I have a lot of fragments of writing from that year which I will likely never finish, and which had no deeper structure than whatever occurred to my medication addled brain.)

And I went, what should I name this story? It's got to have the word Patience in there, because her name is Patience and it amuses me and amusement is running real freaking thin at the moment. I tried out several titles, none of which I can remember, and none of them suited. At last, because the word hope had been rotating within my brain for so long, I picked The Patience of Hope, and I drew graphics and titled all the chapters and did research to title them and I can't remember any of it anymore so I don't know why I gave them the titles I did.

I think I scheduled about chapter three before chapter one dropped on Christmas Day. I remember there being author's notes that at least hinted that I'd entirely pre-written it, because I'd intended to do so, when I wrote the author's note for the very first chapter. But most of them I wrote on the day they were supposed to drop.

I don't think anyone read it at the time; I certainly don't remember such a thing happening, though after it was completed people did read it, and do still. (It's still on my website, and also on my ao3 under the title mentioned above.) But I wrote it, this silly little thing that spawned a whole character and series of novellas I haven't finished yet. More than one character, actually; one of the main characters is Nathan, who didn't exist in my original concept at all. And another character mentioned is Hannah, her aunt, whose storyline is deeply personal to me.

I can't remember how long it is. The writing is at times very bad and the storyline vague and choppy. I had no true plans when I started writing that story: not even to finish it. It does qualify as a novella for length, but I forget where in that wide range it comes in. But I finished it.

That... meant the world to me, actually, in the state I was in. I finished it in January, and two weeks later I was being very seriously told by my doctor that if anything got any worse, in any way, I was to immediately present to emergency and request/demand admission. They didn't; I was prescribed medication that, this time, actually helped to manage the whole crisis thing going on, and I haven't been that close to an admission since (nor needed to be, not really).

So The Patience of Hope is very special to me, as you can see, because I completed it at a time I felt so strongly that I couldn't complete anything except - well, I don't suppose I have to elaborate. It's a fun, fluffy little story with underlying angst and stress and grief but above it all, it's cheerful. A romance begins, which surprised me, because I was literally just writing whatever came into my head, and apparently what came into my head was a character who hadn't been previously mentioned or thought of, asking Patience out on a date.

And the way Nathan accepts and understands and loves Patience for herself and not for what he hopes that she will be (if my phrasing seems odd, it's a Carpenters reference - "Love Me For What I Am") was healing to write. The entire story was written between when I started being assessed for ASD and when I was officially diagnosed, and I can really really see in Patience's words what I felt and still do sometimes feel - the hesitation and uncertainty and distrust of oneself. She was the first character I ever wrote who was stated to be autistic, though I'd written ones before deliberately making them autistic in my head, but they never said they were autistic on the page.

I don't remember the timeframe of the next bit, but there was a writing challenge to write a novel from start to finish in - six months, I think? It was a while. - and I saw it and went, oh, I could go back and write the novel about Patience that I first conceptualised.

Which I did, over the next few months. From start to finish, that draft is eighty-four thousand words in its current, unedited form, and I expect it to end up somewhere between eighty and ninety thousand - I always edit down on a sentence level, and up on a scene and chapter level, so it tends to balance out somewhat. Especially the earlier sections, it's pretty sparse before I hit my stride, and I also struggled to finish it in a way that felt satisfying to me, and I need to build up the community aspect more - and introduce her aunt Hannah more throughout.

What's the novel about, you may ask? And don't ask for the title, because I made a working title, and I haven't figured out a proper replacement yet. The novel is about Patience at a younger age, I forget what; early teens, I think, self-isolating and shy and scared and very very rigid. (It's a lot of fun comparing the Patience of this novel to the much more relaxed, but still characteristic Patience of The Patience of Hope five or seven years later. She's the same person, only grown up rather, and in a very positive way.)

In a mechanism I haven't yet worked out properly and will definitely be rewriting, she unexpectedly gains an adoptive sister, Rhona - named after a tea cosy in a pattern book I used when I was eleven or twelve to knit an atrocious and very wonky stuffed dog. Anyway, Rhona is a bit younger, a bit more extroverted, a bit prettier and a bit more new and exciting. And a bit disruptive to Patience's neatly ordered life.

Cue emotional explosions I'd compare to Holly and Lucy in Lockwood and Co., and say it was based on that, if I'd read that before I planned this book out. Rhona is doing her best to fit in to the family, but she's also showing up Patience's inability to fit in, so there's insecurity tying in to it.

Patience spends most of the book hating her with a passion of greater or lesser intensity despite everything Rhona tries to do to bridge the gap. And then, in a move unrepentantly stolen from Jean Webster's Dear Enemy, the house burns down. Oh, the horror! Oh, the shock! Oh, the fact that Patience was the only one within range of Rhona and had to drag her out! Oh, the hospital whump afterwards! *coughs* Forget I said that last one. Anyway Rhona gets off pretty lightly, while Patience... does not get off so lightly. She spends a while in hospital, but luckily, the combination of everything brings her and Rhona together finally, and they all live happily ever after.

Well, that's what the original plan said, anyway. Back when I was twelve and didn't know interpersonal dynamics.

While it's true that the house burning down and everything associated with that does help Patience and Rhona to get along better, that's not the end of the book. The house burns down at the turn between parts two and three, fifty-three thousand words in. Any mathematicians reading this will observe there are still thirty thousand words to go. There are nine chapters in each part.

The last three chapters total fifteen thousand words between them. My original plan calls for three thousand word chapters. Again, the mathematicians are going to observe that this doesn't add up. These chapters average out five thousand words each.

That's because I really wanted to mention one specific character earlier in the novel, who gets a passing and no longer timeline compliant mention in The Patience of Hope. Patience's aunt Hannah, who, yes, I named after myself, and who also struggles with anorexia nervosa.

Chapter twenty-five is titled, "A Will to Live". Originally intended to be about Patience's depression following her discharge from hospital after the house burned down, and then regaining her mental equilibrium, it became a bitter sarcasm that hurt every time I re-read the title while I was drafting it.

(I did cry quite a bit about this, including while actively writing. Sobbing and still writing the next sentence. I hope it comes across in the final work.)

Because Hannah does not win her battle. She is not a success story, or a happy ending, or a triumph. She dies alone in an apartment that hasn't been cleaned for weeks, fridge almost empty: two days before she's agreed to go into treatment. There are three big killers in anorexia: suicide, heart failure and malnutrition. And Hannah Shepherd dies of heart failure, leaving, as I heard in a video I strongly do not recommend, recently, "a bleeding, girl-shaped hole in her family".

It's traumatic and horrible and full of grief, but they manage somehow to go on. Patience is kept in the dark as to what's going on, at Hannah's request; she just knows that she died of some sickness. After all, she's at THE prime age to develop an eating disorder of her own, and even though you'd think someone dying would make you reconsider, unfortunately, eating disorders are mental illnesses and don't discriminate. (Besides, I wrote this story, and Karen Carpenter is a special interest of mine. Doesn't stop me relapsing.)

And then three chapters later (though, realistically, I'm going to rearrange the chapter balance to add at least one more here, since I struggled to fill a few of the chapters in terms of word count), the story's over, and everything is okay - just okay, not good, but with hope that it will be.

The first draft has been finished for - I don't know how long. Looking back to former posts makes it seem like I finished it on the last day of April last year, which would make it eight months and 21 days since I completed the draft. I think that's long enough to go back and redraft, don't you? I was working on continuing to draft Vaniah's story, but given that it's not singing to me right now, maybe I should jump in to editing this and see where I get to - I can always go back to Vaniah and Anneka instead, even though I've left them at a profoundly difficult spot. (While we're on the topic of dying from anorexia? Yeah. Except that is a story of recovery and hope.)

All that to say, you might hear more about Patience, and Rhona, and Jude, and Marcia, and Hannah, and Nathan, and everyone else that makes that story what it is, soon. I've been thinking a lot about it lately, and I really do think Patience's story needs to be refined, so that eventually I can show the world. If anyone wants, I can pull out excerpts too, if I'm brave enough. Please tell me your favourite aspect of this story, whether the novel or The Patience of Hope or whatever it may be. Ask me questions. I can ramble. Please.

[oz-me]

I have to do this. More posts to come about this, but this is a quick post from my twitter about everything that happened with Sad Milk.: This context is entirely from twitter, with the expectation Blair will see it.

I think it’s time that I actually speak out on the current twitter threads regarding Sad Milk. I cannot express how scared I am to do this, the fear I have in my gut to even speak out. However, I do feel it’s important to say my peace on this subject matter.

Yeah, it’s a mess, but the tweet threads posted by wonder and Click, and what they have stated about Sad Milk is the truth. I will be adding those threads below.

The whole project was a mess. From start to finish. I really wish I didn’t need to do this, but with the flurry of Dm’s I’ve been getting, I don’t have a choice but to speak out.

Blair, I’m sorry, but you have hurt me. I need to speak without being told by you “Oh I’m just the villain? I’m always in the wrong?” or something along those lines. Words I have heard from you consistently. I want to be heard for once. I need to clear my mind and conscious after holding this in for 2 years. Forgive me, but it's what needs to be done. When looking at the whole of the project, it was mostly controlled and run by Blair. 

Her main worry was that because of her, in her words, "Lack of Personality" she felt as though her contribution to sadmilk needed to be the managerial bureaucracy behind the scenes to justify her presence. This led to a defensive approach when anyone would attempt to assist with the nitty gritty behind the scenes. (Despite her claiming that no one wanted to help her. One of the factors she claims to be the final nail in the coffin of Sad Milk). Blair was indeed the aggressor. She always has been. As an example of this behavior, look at the legal eagle situation. Blair has the habit of starting fights, but will almost never publicly apologize if proven wrong.

She will instead hide behind a private apology probably, and from my perspective, act as though this makes everything better. Afterall, she would express to me that admitting error would only make her look stupid and weak.

This will be followed by her blocking people on twitter, silencing her detractors through youtube channel bans, deleting comments, and putting her accounts on the downlow to prevent interaction. For example, on Sad Milk, she would blacklist former collaborators from being mentioned, but manually approve hateful comments towards them, which in my opinion, were specifically ones which instead praised her or the remaining members. Including me. This is her MO. It has been for the 4 years that I’ve known her. It actually perfectly ties into how we first met and began to be on speaking terms in April of 2019. Sadmilk was very much like this. At the first sign of dissonance, her response was to have me confront OT and Click with this list of talking points in an attempt to show them just how wrong they were. Which I accepted. This brings me to, well. Me. What is missing from both Click and Wonders threads, is that fact that I acted as Blairs front runner. Anything Blair needed to say went through me first. Essentially act as a spokesman. This was actually a common factor in our relationship. 

I would always act as a filter to keep her out of drama or from saying things which would be seen as offensive or kindle for a larger fire. I stopped doing this in January. This does not excuse me from protecting her for this long, but it is the truth. I could take the approach and say I was manipulated. Which, perhaps I was, but I still knew what I was doing was wrong. I always did, and it always hurt. It left a huge blackmark on my spirit and my ability to feel comfortable in my own skin. I had moved to Colorado, got a house, and lived with her at the time. She was in my life every day and I would hear these theories and villainous explanations directed at anyone who “wronged” her. It was hard to avoid, let alone not fall for them. I believed it was my responsibility to protect my friend from something that, in my view, was clearly hurting her, something that I felt was eating at her and making her daily life worse. Things which in hindsight, could have been solved with a conversation she was unwilling to have. Instead the conspiring, backstabbing, and rumor machine were put into full swing. I, much as wonder and Salty, were forced by Blair to choose between her or Click and OT. Of course I chose the person I lived with. What was I going to do? Move again? I mean I could have.. Once I chose my side, I was met with praise and adoration from her and her modstaff. It, at the time, felt like I was making the right decision. Fuck man. Boy was I wrong. I’ve lost so many friends, isolated myself, been at her side despite feeling like my connections to the world were being severed. I always acted as her talking piece, from yelling at One Topic, to berating click, and other things I did in service of someone who at the time, I believed every word of. I trusted Blair to hell and back and thought I was doing good. I have learned since then, through both self reflection and conversations with old friends, just how much I was (unintentionally, hopefully) used. 

There, of course, is more. Much more. More than I could ever hope to cram into this stupid fucking twitter thread that I know I’m going to get angry DMs and phone calls over. 

Blair. I need you to know that YOU hurt me. More than you realize. I know you’re scanning this and having your team read over it. Maybe even looking at sending me a legal threat as you parade around to do so. But I want you to apologize for once in your life and take accountability. Please. Blair, you would rather paint the world red than admit you have fault. 

[thelastspeecher]

Stanuary '24 - Week 4: Strangers & Brothers

In under the wire, I've got my final Stanuary write posted just before bed on January 31st! Phew!

This particular one takes place in my Foster Ford AU, in which Ford is turned into a young child by an anomaly in Gravity Falls, picked up by Child Services, put into foster care, and ultimately crosses paths with Stan at school, where Stan is his new gym teacher. The first scene takes place before Ford has told Stan who he really is, when Stan is just Ford's gym teacher and a bit suspicious of this familiar-looking kid named Stanford who goes by Stan. And the second scene takes place a while later, after Stan got the approval to foster Ford. Specifically, the morning after Ford told Stan the truth about who he is.

Now I've finished this mountain of exposition, enjoy~

———————————————————————————————————–

              Stan watched the kids running laps on the blacktop.  He frowned thoughtfully at the sight of Stanford Payne, once again clearly pushing himself, yet still in last place.

              Even Lucas is beating him, and that kid’s got asthma.  Stanford stumbled slightly.  All right, time to call it quits.  Stan blew his whistle.  The kids stopped running.

              “Good work, everyone!” Stan said cheerfully.  “The rest of class is free time.  Do whatever you want, as long as it’s exercise and legal.”  The kids giggled before dutifully dispersing.  Some began playing a game of freeze tag, others played hopscotch, and Stanford slinked off to the side, oozing a pathetic aura.  Stan sighed.�� He walked over to Stanford, who was sitting on the grass to catch his breath.

              “Oh, uh, Mr. Pines, is- did I do something wrong?” Stanford stammered, gasping for air in between words.  He twisted the hem of his shirt nervously.

              “Yeah.”  Stanford’s eyes, hidden by his thick glasses, widened with horror.  “You’re not in trouble, kid, don’t worry!  But after you run laps, you’ve gotta cool down.  You can’t just sit right away.”

              “Oh.  Why not?”

              “It’s not good for you.”

              “Why?” Stanford pressed.

              “You’re advanced for your age, but I think the details of anatomy and physiology are a bit too much for you,” Stan said.  Stanford wrinkled his forehead, like he was about to argue, but decided against it.  “Come on, let’s do a cool down.”

              “What does a cool down entail?”

              “Just walking around.  Walk with me.”

              “O-okay,” Stanford mumbled.  He got up.  They began to walk around the perimeter of the blacktop, Stan making sure to keep an eye out on the other kids.  “Um.  Was there- was there something else you wanted to talk to me about?”

              “Actually, yeah.  There is.”  Stan took a moment to choose his words carefully.  “You seem to push yourself a lot.”

              “I’m just trying to keep up with everyone else,” Stanford mumbled.

              “I get it.  You don’t wanna feel like the runt of the litter,” Stan said.  Stanford nodded.  “But I don’t want you to worry about what everyone else is doing, okay?  Just focus on yourself.”

              “Why?” Stanford asked quietly.  Stan looked down at the kid, surprised.  He’d expected Stanford to be relieved Stan was giving him permission to back off.  Most unathletic kids were.  But Stanford seemed suspicious of the instruction.

              “Pushing yourself is bad, Stan.”  Stanford looked up at him, frowning.  “It took me a while to learn this, so I’m not gonna blame you for not knowing.  But if you push yourself too hard, all you’ll do is hurt yourself in the end.”

              “How?” Stanford asked.  Stan pinched the bridge of his nose.

              This kid…

              “Okay, let’s think about it this way,” he said.  “You like math, right?”  Stanford nodded.  “Do you know how percentages work?”

              “Yes.”

              “Good.  Let’s say that when you push yourself, that’s using 100%.”

              “100% of what?” Stanford asked.  Stan could feel himself getting a migraine already.  He took a deep breath.

              He’s not being difficult on purpose.  He might be crazy smart, but he’s just a little kid.

              “Let’s call it gym energy.”

              “Okay.”

              “When you push yourself, you use 100% of your gym energy.  If you do gym normally, not pushing too hard but not slacking off, that’s 50%.  And when you slack off, it’s 20%.  Still following?”  Stanford nodded.  “So if you push yourself in gym class, and you use 100% of your gym energy, how much gym energy is left?”

              “None of it.”

              “That’s right.  Your gym energy refills over time.  Let’s say it’s 1% each hour.  If you push yourself and use up all your gym energy, how much do you have the next day to use in gym class?”

              “Somewhere between 23% and 24%.”

              “What can you do with that much gym energy?”

              “Slack off.”  Stanford furrowed his brow.  “But I haven’t been doing that!  I’ve been working hard every day!”  Stan nodded.  The kid seemed to be catching on.

              “Because you aren’t doing it healthy.  If you wanna exercise healthy, then the most you can do after pushing yourself is slacking off.  If you wanna exercise unhealthy, then you can push yourself over and over.  But it’s not good for you.”

              “It puts me in gym energy debt,” Stanford said slowly.

              “Exactly!  When you use gym energy you don’t have, you wind up in debt.  And eventually, someone’s gonna come to collect on it.  You’re young and healthy, so you’ve got more leeway than I’ve got, with my old man creaky bones.”  Stan winked.  Stanford managed a small smile.  “But it’ll happen.  Your body will give up on you until your gym energy is back to healthy levels.  You won’t be able to do gym class.  You won’t be able to do much of your favorite things.  All you can do is wait.”

              “…I see.”

              “I’m not telling you this to scare you, Stan.”  Stan crouched down so he was eye-to-eye with Stanford.  “I’m telling you this so that you’ll be healthy.  My dad never told me any of this, so I pushed myself.  I didn’t learn how to exercise right until I moved out and joined a different gym.  I don’t want you to have to deal with that.”  Stanford nodded jerkily.  “I’ll send a note home with you so your foster parents know I talked to you about this.”

              “Why?”

              “So they can help you stick to not pushing yourself!”

              “I- I suppose I am merely a five-year-old,” Stanford mumbled.

              “Right now, yeah.  And that’s why you’ve gotta get help from grownups.”  Stan straightened.  “Tomorrow, I want you to slack off in gym, okay?”

              “But-”

              “You can do normal stuff the day after tomorrow,” Stan interrupted.  “But tomorrow, you’ve got too much gym energy debt.  You’ve gotta take it easy for at least one day.  Okay?”

              “…Okay.”

              “Good.”  The bell rang from inside the school.  The kindergarten teachers walked outside and began to usher their students in.  “I’ll see you tomorrow, Stan.”

              “See you then, Mr. Pines,” Stanford said quietly.  Stan ruffled his hair.  Stanford grinned weakly at him, then hurried over to his teacher.  Stan watched the kindergarteners go in.

              That kid…  Sweet Moses.  Hopefully I can get through to him.  He shouldn’t make the same mistakes I did.  He’s too smart for it.

-----

              Stan let Ford sleep in.  It was the least he could do after yesterday.

              I shouldn’t have gone so hard on him.  I’m the adult.  I can’t lose it like that.  Stan turned on the coffeemaker and stood in front of it blankly.  He thought he’d done a good job of holding back, but Ford’s reaction suggested otherwise.  Can you blame me?  He was arguing with himself now.  I’ve been fostering him for months.  I thought he was my nephew!  But he’s not.  He’s my twin brother who got himself involved with some crazy magic shit in Oregon.

              “It doesn’t matter,” Stan muttered to the coffeemaker.  “It doesn’t matter.  I’m the adult.  He’s just a little kid.  Even if he wasn’t one a few years ago.”  He rubbed his forehead wearily.

              I’m gonna get a world class migraine over this shit.  I can just tell.  Soft footsteps sounded behind him.  Stan looked over his shoulder.  Ford stood in the entryway of the kitchen, fully dressed.

              “You’re ready for the day already?” Stan asked.  Ford shrugged.  “I thought you were gonna sleep in.  I haven’t even started breakfast yet.”

              “I can fend for myself,” Ford said. 

              “Nah, no point,” Stan said.  “If I’m up, I might as well get you sorted out.”  Ford scowled.

              “You don’t trust me to make myself a simple bowl of cereal or peel an orange, do you?” he asked.

              I’m too uncaffeinated to deal with this.

              “Whattaya want me to say, Ford?” Stan asked.  “We both know what happened the last time you tried to make your own breakfast.”  Ford’s cheeks turned pink.  Stan and Angie had accidentally overslept, only to be woken up by a loud crash in the kitchen.  When they rushed in, they found Ford on the floor.  He’d fallen off the chair he used to reach the cabinet cereal was stored in.

              “I learned from that particular mistake,” Ford said tightly.  “I can manage it now.”

              “Like I said, I’m up anyways.  And I am your legal guardian,” Stan pointed out.  Ford’s cheeks darkened to red.  Stan looked at the coffeemaker.  It was moving just as slow as he was; barely a few drops were in the pot.  He sighed and turned it off.  “Actually, let’s get some donuts.”

              “Aunt Angie will be upset you aren’t providing a nutritious breakfast,” Ford mumbled.

              “Yeah, well, Angie doesn’t need to know,” Stan retorted.  He raised an eyebrow at Ford.  “What’s with still calling her your aunt?”

              “Force of habit.”

              “I guess you’ll have to keep calling her that until we tell her the truth anyways,” Stan said.  He headed for the front door.

              “Do we have to tell her?” Ford asked.  The question came out as a whine.  Stan began to put on his shoes.

              “Yep,” he said without looking up.  “I’m not gonna lie to my wife, Ford.”

              “But-”

              “She hates being lied to.  I’m not screwing up the best relationship I’ve ever had.”

              “…Fine.”  Ford clumsily put on his Velcro sneakers.  “If we have to tell her, we’ll tell her.”  He glared at Stan.  “But I’m not happy about it.”

              “That’s life, sport.”  Acting on muscle memory, Stan checked that Ford’s shoes were fastened properly, then helped him put on his jacket.  He pushed open the front door.  “C’mon.”  Stan held out a hand.  Ford looked at it.  “You’re five.  You’re gonna hold my hand.”  Ford reluctantly slid his hand into Stan’s.

              They walked down the street in awkward silence.  San Diego in January wasn’t even close to a Glass Shard Beach winter, but there were occasionally days that merited a jacket or even a coat.  That particular morning was cold enough that Stan and Ford’s breath escaped in visible puffs.  Ford’s cheeks were pink, not from embarrassment, but from the chill in the air, by the time they reached the bakery.  Stan pushed open the door.  Ford rushed in to look at the offerings behind the counter.  Stan followed at a more sedate pace.

              “Hey there Cindy,” Stan said to the young woman manning the register.  She smiled at him.

              “Good morning, Mr. Pines.”

              “I’ll get my regular donut.  Plus a large coffee.”

              “Cream or sugar?”

              “Uh, cream, no sugar.”  Stan looked over at Ford.  The steam that covered Ford’s glasses when they entered was beginning to fade, revealing his excited look.  “You know what you want, Ford?”

              “Um…”  Ford stood on his tiptoes, inspecting the items on the top shelf.

              Was Ford that short the first time he was five?  He can’t have been...  He was taller than me until high school, and I know I wasn’t that short in kindergarten.  Stan frowned slightly.  Why would he be shorter than before?

              “I’ll have a bear claw,” Ford said.  He put his hands behind his back and rocked back and forth on his toes.  “…And a small coffee with cream and sugar.”  The addition came out as a nervous squeak.  Stan rolled his eyes.  He looked at Cindy.

              “Small hot chocolate for him.”

              “Can I at least get whipped cream and marshmallows?” Ford whined.

              “No.  You’re having plenty of sugar this morning as it is,” Stan said firmly.  Ford pouted.  Cindy chuckled as she rang up the purchases and grabbed the pastries.

              “I’ll bring you your drinks when they’re ready.”

              “Thanks, Cindy.”

              “No problem, Mr. Pines.”

              “C’mon, Ford,” Stan said.  He and Ford walked over to a small table in the corner of the bakery.  Stan lifted Ford onto a chair, ignoring his protests, and then sat in a chair himself.

              “You didn’t need to lift me,” Ford grumbled.

              “It was faster than waiting five minutes while you try to get on the chair and then give up and ask me to pick you up anyways,” Stan said.  Ford scowled at him.  “Were you this short before?”

              “If you’re referring to the first time I was five, no, I do not believe so,” Ford mumbled. 

              “Huh.  I wonder why you’re shorter this time.”

              “Perhaps whatever did this to me wanted me to be particularly vulnerable,” Ford said.  Stan shrugged.

              “Dunno.  But it is particularly cute,” he teased.  Ford rolled his eyes.  He began to pick at his pastry.  “So…”

              “So, I think we should begin planning how to reverse my condition,” Ford said, perking up.  “This whole mess started in Gravity Falls, so we should go there.  Perhaps retrace my steps.”

              “Uh.  Do you remember that far back?”

              “I’m not an infant, Stanley,” Ford scoffed.  “I could never forget that day.”

              “All right.  If you say so.”

              “The Corduroys agreed to keep an eye upon my cottage whilst I am away, so we can stay there while we investigate.  If we leave tomorrow morning, we should get to Gravity Falls by the afternoon.  We can drop off our things at the cottage, then go to the creek where I-”

              “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Stan said, holding up his hands.  “You gotta slow down there, kiddo.”  He looked at the already mostly eaten bear claw.  “Both in making plans and chewing your food.  Eat slower.  It’s better for digestion.”

              “You have a lot of opinions about nutrition and healthy living,” Ford mumbled.  He reluctantly slowed down, taking a single bit at a time.

              “They make you take classes on that stuff for a Phys Ed degree.  Look, we can’t leave tomorrow.”

              “Why not?” Ford whined petulantly.  Stan gave Ford an assessing look.

              Does he realize what that sounded like?  Ford pouted at him.  No.  He doesn’t.  Like you keep reminding yourself, he might act all big-brained and grownup, but he’s still a kid.  And every day he stays one, he acts more like it.

              “First, we need to convince Angie about this whole…”  Stan waved his hands around vaguely.  “…thing.  She needs to be in the loop.  Anyways, she’s a biologist!  She might be able to help.”

              “That’s true,” Ford said quietly.

              “After we convince her, we’ve gotta work around everyone’s schedules.  I’ve got work, you’ve got school, and Angie’s got work and school.  We’ll need to plan based around when people are free.”

              “School isn’t in session,” Ford pointed out.  He took another bite of bear claw.

              “Not right now.  It starts next week,” Stan said.  Ford deflated.

              “You- you don’t think we can return me to my normal self by then?” he whispered.  Stan sighed.

              “I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to get you back to normal, Sixer.  But I can tell you right now, it’s gonna take way longer than a week.  Honestly, we might not be able to make any progress until the summer, when we don’t have to work around the school schedule.”  Somehow, Ford deflated even further.

              “For the foreseeable future, then, I’m…”

              “Gonna have to keep being my nephew Stanford Payne, yep,” Stan said with a nod.  Ford groaned.  He slammed his head on the table, sending crumbs from his finished bear claw flying.

              “Great,” Ford mumbled into the table.  “You insist on being responsible at the worst time.”

              “I’ve been responsible.  For years, actually.  Shermie drilled it into me.”

              “What has even changed as a result of me telling you who I actually am?” Ford said, ignoring Stan.  Stan lifted Ford’s chin to look into his eyes.

              “The most important thing: I know the truth.  Everything else is gonna happen later.  But it’s gonna happen.  Because now that I know, we can work together.  Like we used to.  Remember?”  Ford smiled.  The smile abruptly faded.

              “I’m- I’m honestly a bit surprised you’re willing to help me.  After everything.  The science fair, the estrangement, the lying…”

              “We’re still brothers,” Stan said firmly.  “After all of that and whatever else we do.”  Cindy came over to their table.  She set down their drinks, ruffled Ford’s hair, and returned to her spot behind the counter.  Stan grinned at him.  “Even if I’m the big brother now.”

[sonkitty]

Trickery Post #5 - Perfect

After reviewing some posts in looking for something else, I had my timing incorrect for when I got all sad about the sunglasses and reflections. I have corrected it accordingly within the previous post (Trickery Post #4 - Looking).

Also, I did let go of that general take of being that sad after I realized more about what was happening with both the sunglasses and the windows during that sequence. I grew all the more sure of that threshold part over time.

I can't remember exactly when the following thought entered my mind, before or after looking at windows, but something that did occur to me was to question if Crowley's clothing meant anything for his touch on the door to his car at the end of episode 6 because the clothing itself is all linked together. No numbers or smaller ideas left me satisfied with that bigger idea, so I dropped it.

The time frame for my own play of the games covered in this post is mainly early January 2024.

When I made my windows posts, they were called "Earthly Objects Study - Windows Part 1" for my initial study on windows and "Earthly Objects Study - Windows Part 2" for the part focused on the end of episode 6.

I knew there was something special about pockets, but it looked well beyond anything I would ever be able to comprehend, so I did not pursue it.

Okay, I have four threshold things that are named as Threshold Tricks unless I ever find something better.

For the door thing and the window thing, I remarked that they each have a conceptual base. For the door it was, "Touch the door while touching the door." For the window, it was, "Look through a window while looking through a window." I considered the bigger thresholds as like having a broad touch to those places. And the coffee shop entrance just was what it was.

Another thing I felt worth noting in my earlier posts on the general subject, and remains in them to this day, is that there is an underlying idea of, "Never do the same trick twice." Each Trick had a different format for how it brought about getting that 1, 2-in-1, and 3-in-1.

I knew I wanted a better way to express the meaning of 1, 2-in-1, and 3-in-1. There should be a word for them.

I searched for some variation of those things and found the words, "single", "double", and 'triple". Oh, yes! That made sense. Those were the words!

Was there a word for those words?

There is a phrase, and that phrase is "multiplicative adjective." Oh, that was fitting since I even said Crowley should be earning multipliers for these Threshold Tricks.

Now, with those words in mind, I have a sunglasses thing, but it doesn't quite fit as a Threshold Trick.

I spent a weekend that was probably January 6th and January 7th 2024, I mainly remember it being a Sunday so January 7th, based on my found drafts and published posts, where I was trying to break down the events of the Final Fifteen with what I found about windows.

But by this point, I know there's something important about the number 3.

If I have something for a door and something for a window, that's 2.

The door thing is for Aziraphale given its context and Aziraphale looking over to Crowley just before it finishes.

The window thing is for humans.

There should be a 3, and it should involve the sunglasses for Crowley.

Right?

But the thing was, I couldn't find it.

Crowley removes his sunglasses with his right hand at the start of the argument scene in the bookshop. That's a 1, or a Single.

When Crowley puts the sunglasses back on, he uses both hands. That's a 2-in-1, or a Double.

And I could not find a 3-in-1, a Triple, in that scene. I looked, and I looked, and I looked. I thought, and I thought, and I thought. The other two happened within the Final Fifteen itself, so this one should too.

Where is the Triple?!

Did my missing Triple have to do with Aziraphale? So far, people have not been thresholds. The thresholds have been physical not-people things. The window looks are conceptual yes, but they are based on a window pane and a window frame, things that are still physical in nature and not people.

Even if a person were a threshold, it should be like...a guard. Between Aziraphale being a guard to Crowley's heart and the sunglasses being a guard to Crowley's heart, I would definitely go with the sunglasses, given everything on screen and in context. Crowley is hurt and protecting himself.

I grew so frustrated. I was in tears. I knew there should be a Triple, and I simply couldn't find it.

I gave up. I was so, so mad and so so frustrated, I deleted the drafts of my trying to explain the frustration of looking for a Triple and not finding it. I wish I hadn't done that, but I did because I felt so...inept.

I shouldn't be crying over this stuff. It's not a fun game if it's affecting me that badly.

I knew I had something with this game idea, but maybe this time, I was wrong with what should be happening in the Final Fifteen. I had made mistakes before. Maybe Crowley failed on this bit. He was heartbroken after all. Maybe I was looking for something that just wasn't there.

Maybe it really was only 2 this time.

I was taking it too seriously, all the same, so it was time to back off.

So, I updated whatever I could in great annoyance, trying to mask what I had been through.

I wanted the four Threshold Tricks known and had to get this window stuff somewhere with them, so it was time to do that.

The game wasn't fun here, and I was getting frustrated. It was time to stop. I had hit a wall that I could not pass, so it was time to just let the matter go. I didn't stand much of a chance with the pockets thing anyway. Maybe I would try it and just fail quickly. For the sunglasses thing, I was probably just wrong after all.

I don't remember if I was actively updating the sunglasses post despite the frustrating failure of my own play, but I do remember my thoughts lingering on one particular touch Crowley had with the sunglasses that stuck out to me.

That touch takes place in episode 1 after Crowley exited the Hell summon. He puts his sunglasses back on before driving to the bookshop.

Let me talk about doors for a bit.

My understanding of doors was limited, but it went something along the lines of figuring out that doors themselves have earthly objects on them. Those earthly objects are doorknobs, push plates, handles, locks, window panes, mirrors, and possibly even something I looked up called an astragal. The panel serving as the door is another story. That is the threshold. The door frame was not quite as clear to me, but I mainly got that the game cares about these types of things. They do matter.

Well, Crowley's sunglasses as a door is a little different, but I at least knew that the end pieces were the thresholds and how he manages Accessory Mode has to do with thumb management and human context.

Given the full context of the scene and what Crowley was doing, that looked like a move to maintain Door Mode yet not match certain other touches he had that focused on the end piece or end pieces.

He covers the right end piece completely with his right hand, then uses his left hand digits to slide along the temple.

It was a very quiet, slow little click, but it was there.

He did that on purpose because he did not want credit for a threshold-only touch on the sunglasses in whatever sunglasses thing I had been looking for.

He wanted threshold-only credit in other touches.

...

Words have power.

And the power here is that knowing those multiplicative adjectives, with some extra time to let them just be in my thoughts, and thinking about that touch, helped me find what I was really looking for with the sunglasses and had been looking for since before I even started on studying windows.

The sunglasses threshold thing took place over multiple episodes, just like the bigger thresholds thing. It didn't look like a 3 or a 6 though.

It was an 8.

It was not just a Single, a Double, and a Triple.

It was layered.

Even as I type this post, I realize that my recognition of the window layering probably helped me subconsciously recognize the layering here for the sunglasses.

Due to the scale of the mistake that I made, I'm actually going to tell you the correct version first. Hopefully, that will make the mistake easier to understand.

The touches go like this:

Double #1 of our eventual primary Double (Episode 1)

Crowley removes his sunglasses touching two end pieces with one end. Both doors are opened.

Triple Part 1 of our eventual primary Single (Episode 1; Not Hissing)

Crowley removes his sunglasses before being summoned to Hell by touching the right end piece. He did not have a subtle demonic hiss as an added sound effect.

Triple Part 2 of our eventual primary Single (Episode 1; Not Hissing)

Crowley removes his sunglasses before throwing them on a desk by touching the left end piece. He did not have a subtle demonic hiss as an added sound effect.

Single #1 for our eventual primary Triple (Episode 2; Different Sunglasses)

Crowley removes the first set of present day sunglasses while holding a Jane Austen book by touching the right end piece. He had a subtle demonic hiss as an added sound effect.

Single #2 for our eventual primary Triple (Episode 2; Different Sunglasses)

Crawley removes his Job era sunglasses by touching the right end piece. He had a subtle demonic hiss as an added sound effect.

Single #3 for our eventual primary Triple (Episode 5; Different Sunglasses)

Crowley removes the second set of present day sunglasses by touching the left end piece. He had a subtle demonic hiss as an added sound effect.

We have three Singles that have something that make them all different—the different sunglasses...yet we also have something they all share in common: he hissed. We're going to go ahead and merge these Singles into the Triple. Now it's time to get the Single and the Double.

Triple Part 3 of our eventual primary Single (Episode 6; Not Hissing)

Crowley removes his sunglasses and holds them. When removing them, his right hand did so on the right end piece. He did not have a subtle demonic hiss as an added sound effect.

The Triple is already taken by our previously merged Singles that became the Triple. This group did not have three different pairs of sunglasses. It did lack hissing. We're going to merge these parts and switch this Triple to the Single. Now all that's left is to finish the Double.

Double #2 of our eventual primary Double (Episode 6)

Crowley puts his sunglasses back on. He touches the thresholds of his thresholds with both hands. Note that on the front view, two sets of fingers are touching each other as one of the fingers of each pair touches each edge. From the back view, there are two visible digit tips with the thumb and index finger.

The Double is done.

Both doors are closed.

...

The Single was a Triple. The Double was a Double. The Triple was Three Singles.

...

Now when I first laid it all out, the big mistake I made was that I had the Single and the Triple switched. I thought that the three hisses were the Triple that becomes a Single since they all happened in a row. In turn, I thought the three Singles that become a Triple were the other set of three, outside the Doubles. Basic process of elimination.

I wrote something to the effect of it not really mattering which set was which since you could just go with whatever. That didn't quite sit right with me, but I didn't know why so posted it anyway. As I've said, sometimes I have to make mistakes public to really get at them anyway.

That's what happened here.

It does matter which set is which, at least if you want the correct answer to play better and be a better, more reliable source of information to people who might read your posts and believe you. Better play does lead into advancing in the game.

The hisses have a different pair of sunglasses every time. That's what makes them the distinct three Singles that become a Triple. In case I further doubt myself, there is also a different earthly object being held each time.

So, I rectified that mistake in my post after a few days as well.

Speaking of embarrassing mistakes with the sunglasses, I revisited the face touches idea. I took off the credit for Crowley getting a full solo set for the first touch of those. That should be 1 point, not 3. The other two points could be found with touching them with his hand first as he is putting them in Accessory Mode and then with him saying the number, "ten." It took me so long to realize that characters saying numbers could earn a dialogue point.

I was now in full doubt of my guessed third face touch. Maybe there was still a third face touch out there somewhere I had not found yet, but it wasn't the one I guessed. That wasn't good enough.

I admitted maybe I was just wrong on the face touch idea overall anyway. I had made plenty of mistakes by this point, so that was certainly possible.

Anyway, I kind of glossed over it because I wanted the mistakes known, but I'm going back to focusing on the Threshold Trick with the sunglasses:

I was blown away with the realization of that layering.

Like, I was just amazed. I did not think, not for one second, that the game could ever amaze me more than what I found there. I called it the most mind-blowing thing Crowley does in the Threshold Tricks whenever I got around to updating my Earthly Objects Study post on the sunglasses overall

It's hard to see and hard to get, but once you do get it, it's just so beautiful and amazing and...well, if you asked me, it was just downright perfect.

Then a thought struck me. In Tekken, a PERFECT is when a player wins a round without taking any damage.

Given what I found with "multipliers" sounding like "multiplicative adjectives", I had better check if the word "perfect" has some special math meaning.

...

It does.

The number 6 is a perfect number because 1 + 2 + 3 = 6.

As a reminder, we have already been going with the idea of a Single, a Double, and a Triple. Let me say that again. We have already been going with the idea of a 1, which is the Single, and a 2-in-1, which is the Double, and the 3-in-1, which is the Triple, as a combined requirement for these Threshold Tricks to be what they are.

Learning this definition then further clarified something about the coffee shop sequence: Oh, it's a Perfect Entrance!

I had been so close with saying, "What a beautiful entrance," and the music and the camera work really were trying to convey that! So awesome!

The realization meant that the Threshold Tricks have names.

I had five Threshold Tricks with five names:

The Perfect Entrance Trick

The Door Trick

The Window Trick

The Bigger Thresholds Trick

The Sunglasses Trick

Maybe The Sunglasses Trick had a phrase to be found with the "perfect" still, but the best I had was Perfect Reversal, and I wasn't sure.

Maybe The Bigger Thresholds Trick wasn't quite right, but there was no way I wanted to call it The Bigger Trick and leave out the word "threshold". So, okay, fine, that was hopefully probably its name.

I acknowledged the names looked like they were meant to be found when I listed them for an update.

I changed the title of the post to "Multiplicative Threshold Tricks," because I felt that part was so significant with what happened with the sunglasses. It was eventually changed back since I found myself using Threshold Tricks most of the time anyway. If season 3 were ever to admit these things existed, I suspected that would be the phrase actually used.

With The Perfect Entrance Trick named, I also felt that each one had a conceptual base even if I did not quite yet have the words for how to say such things in the way I had, "Touch the door while touching the door," for The Door Trick.

I made a post called Good Omens 2 Compendium, considering the scale of posts I had ended up making, and I probably started to call the sideburns thing The Sideburns Scheme as another similar game name.

Somehow, I was still saying I was not sure if Earthly Objects was a game so much as my understanding of something happening in the story.

But you know, the further I got, it was looking more and more like a game.

Eventually, I wanted to go over the ball invitations since they looked like some kind of mini-game leading to the theoretical shift into the supernatural zone.

Eventually, I wanted to get back to continuing posts about the present day sideburns scenes.

But first...

I had five Threshold Tricks. Three take place during one episode. Two take place over multiple episodes.

Crowley ordered six shots of espresso, nothing else, in episode 1.

Nina referred to his coffee order 3 times over the course of the story, making her say "six" those 3 times. She even gave him a name of, "Mr. Six Espressos in a Big Cup," on the last of those three times.

Crowley has a strong association with the number 6.

If I have 5 Threshold Tricks, then there was a very good chance that there should be 6, with a third one that takes place over multiple episodes. The missing Threshold Trick had a decent chance of being...The Pocket Trick. I knew where to find some pocket touches through my overall work on the Earthly Objects game. It was time to at least attempt figuring out the pockets. It sounded so daunting and difficult already, I didn't think I would last long at the challenge.

(For reference: Trickery)

[buckybarnesss]

on fire: a teen wolf novel chapters 17-19 and final thoughts previous chapter

it is done. the final installment of on fire is here and i am finally free.

thank you @dear-massacre for listening to me rant about this book and encouraging me to finish it.

and a thank you to @give-emhalekid for inspiring this re-read of on fire to begin with. i can finally answer your asks appropriately!

in addition to my notes and final thoughts on this novel i did make contact with the author nancy holder and have been sitting on that email for over a month now. so i'll be talking about that too.

anyway.

We start this chapter in Kate’s narration in yet another flashback to six years prior. This is when she gets information out of Mr. Harris. 

The bar is called Randy Andy’s by the way. Which, and it may just be me, makes me fully believe this bar is playing Brooks and Dunn's 1991 hit Boot Scootin' Boogie on repeat.

She mentions that Harris hadn’t seen her around the school but she had pinpointed him quickly as someone weak and that she could use. This tracks.

She gets what she wants out of Harris and as she leaves the bar (which is handily across from her apartment) she sees Derek leaving with his school bag. She freaks out worried he’s onto her or found something in her apartment. 

She follows him home just to be sure she’s in the clear. Like a freak.

When she returns she finds a note Derek left her explaining what happened. 

However, feeling as though she could’ve been exposed, Kate decides to up the timetable of setting the fire. 

Because we cannot have nice things.

We then get a small scene where she’s filling the gas cans and apparently Alt Version of Mr. McCall is the gas station attendant but he’s on the phone arguing with Melissa over money and blaming her for things. He's actually worse than canon Mr. McCall which I didn't think was possible.

Kate goes on to have her inner celebration and reminisce over her seduction of Derek. You know, just girlie things.

Once again the timeline is throwing me off. Holder places the Hale fire near Wolf Moon which makes the show starting around the same time a nice call forward but she also has homecoming around the same time. Derek muses about Kate being a chaperone for the dance and Laura is at school that morning to attend a committee meeting for the dance. For me, Homecoming was always during the Football season in September. Not that I ever went but this in January if it’s the Wolf Moon. Football season is over. This doesn't make any sense to me.

We finally return to both the present day and to Derek and Stiles. It’s been 84 years. I've aged lifetimes.

Derek tells Stiles that you can’t trust human women and leaves him once more as Derek has caught the Alpha’s scent. This is Bizzaro Derek.

Holder has given us two different wolf references mere pages from each other. She has Derek listen to Wolfgang Gartner and Stiles apparently playing Wolfenstein on his phone (this may be Wolfenstien RPG which apparently came out on mobile in 2008).

I looked up Wolfgang Gartner -- because this is what I do -- and according to Wikipedia the earliest single he released under this particular name was in 2007 which would be after the fire. He does however have a single called Hot for Teacher. I am going to fight the author.

We’re back in Scott’s narration now. He’s not having a good time. There’s smoke making everything hazy and he senses the werewolf that bit him. He calls it his “waking, walking nightmare.” and the wolf side of him is conflicted by the threat but also by the sense of pack. 

Through the haze Scott does see the Alpha and they make eye contact. Once again Scott refuses to kill like in Pack Mentality. He references the incident by name. 

A burning tree falls down because of course it does. Some of the sparks get on Scott so he has to remove his jacket and shirt. This is Teen Wolf after all.

Scott fights the shift trying to figure out how to save himself and Allison from the blaze.

Allison begins to become overwhelmed by the smoke and goes into a coughing fit.’ Which, heh, kinda fits with Scott having asthma previously before the bite.

Next chapter opens back on Jackson who is still having a very bad time. His vision is doubled and tripled as he passes out.

Scott remembers that Allison once did gymnastics and suggests that she use those skills to get out so he lifts her up and she somersaults out I suppose. Like a goddamned Power Ranger.

I swear Stiles is the author’s least favorite. Stiles hears a howl and begins looking for Scott and or Derek. He’s yelling for them both as he attempts to track Scott’s phone. Derek shows up with a “Yeah.” 

Though I’ll admit this exchange made me laugh:

“Yeah,” Derek said, bursting from the trees. He was wolfed out, and Stiles let fly with a high-pitched, girly scream. “Was that you?” Stiles yelled. “No, that was you,” Derek said in disgust. “I mean the howl.”

Derek tries to assure Stiles the Alpha needs Scott but Stiles reminds him that he doesn’t need Allison. Derek says he also doesn’t need Allison which is a sentiment that Stiles disagrees with. Canon Derek would never. 

They talk about mountain ash because Derek recognizes it from the pictures Scott was able to send. The explanation holds up fairly well to what we’re told in the show.

They find Scott and Stiles tries to instruct him but he’s in a state of panic. Derek points out that he cannot make sense of what Stiles is trying to tell him due to the panic. 

E x c u s e M e. What the fuck did I just read?

Stiles wants to call 911 so a fire truck can gain access but Derek warns against it due to Scott being shifted. Derek then takes a swing at Stiles, Stiles shoves him and Derek falls off the cliff. 

I am so tired. 

This is a Stiles accurate line at least: “So many times, Stiles had wished for Derek to up and die. But he hadn’t meant for him to really die. Except that maybe had meant for him to really die. Just maybe not in pain, and not in front of Stiles.”

Scott pounces on Derek and they tussle. Stiles is conflicted on who he’s cheering for. 

Scott doesn’t have a shirt on.

And a moment later --

“A wind washed through the tops of the bushes and showered Derek with fiery debris, setting his jacket on fire.”

Derek rips off his jacket (RIP jacket) and his shirt now leaving him also shirtless. 

I see you Teen Wolf. The Weather Girls It's Raining Men is the unofficial anthem.

Stiles calls 911 because he clearly is the one holding the brain cell.

We’re back to Allison. She’s running through the woods calling for help when she spots what could only be the Alpha as she calls it an evil animal. It stalks closer to her but it moves away and she sees the wolf that she and Scott had seen earlier. 

The “good” wolf’s presence seems to scare off the Alpha. It then guides Allison to safety. This wolf is never explained but it gives me Expecto Patronum vibes.

Except her safety is Kate. 

Allison is now lying her ass off about why she was at the Preserve rather than with Lydia and Kate’s questioning her hard.

I had forgotten about Jackson. The van exploded by the way as the police came into the parking lot. He feels momentarily guilty about Cassie then he promptly passes out, which honestly I don’t blame him for. He’s had a shitty day.

Meanwhile back at Werewolf Rumble Derek is able to bring Scott back to himself and just as they begin to try to escape they accidentally do the memory ritual via Derek’s claws accidentally slicing Scott’s wrist and you know what? I don’t care anymore. 

We get one last flashback to Derek and Laura post fire. They’re at their burned home and insane with grief. In the remains Derek finds that stupid ring he gave Kate because she’s so evil and terrible. Like. Fucking hell. 

We cut to Jackson being taken to the hospital and Lydia ignoring the paramedics to ride with him. He feels guilty about Cassie’s death and tries to convince himself there was nothing he could do. In truth, there probably wasn’t. He ends up wondering if Bailey had really known about his biological father.

Allison at this point does in fact find it sus that Kate just happened to be out driving to the fire but she doesn’t examine anything too closely yet as she finds Scott and Stiles. She’s relieved that Scott's okay. 

The book ends with Derek watching the scene from afar. Kate catches his eye and taunts him one last time because of course Kate does. Derek doesn’t respond. 

The final line is kind of baller though. “There are more of us, bent on payback. And domination. And death. And we are coming.”

Some parting thoughts:

I remember mostly enjoying this book back when I first read it upon it's release in 2012. I think it's because I was so thirsty for more backstory on the characters and more adventures in the world.

There's a post somewhere on my blog about the book somewhere but re-reading ten years later I was definitely more critical of it and found it to be a frustrating endeavor. Maybe it's because I'm older or maybe it's because the show is over.

Largely I think it's because the book itself had no real resolution. It couldn't but I'll explain that later.

Even if there's reason for the open-ended nature of the novel it's still genuinely frustrating especially because this is a stand alone novel with no follow up.

I thought there were too many flashbacks and not enough time spent on the actual plot. Jackson is the entire plot yet we spend very little time with him in the book and he never actually interacts with the main cast except with Lydia through a text. Fucking wild. Some of Jackson's best character stuff is when he's bouncing off the other characters so it was a real shame he didn't interact with them.

The biggest issue I have though is with Derek's characterization. It just doesn't even seem like Derek to me even early season 1 Derek. The whole human slander isn't ever a thing with him.

I loathed how Laura was handled. The information we have on Laura doesn't even fill a thimble but I'd rather not know a damn thing than this version where she said the word "mateable" and isn't all that bothered by her sixteen year old brother being involved with not only an older woman but a teacher that has authority over him. Her reaction shuts Derek down so he no longer expresses his misgivings. I couldn't tell if this was on purpose or not.

I also didn't like how Stiles felt like the unfavorite here. Holder, I think had a decent grasp of his voice, but not how others reacted to him.

I also have mixed feelings about the world building Holder did via the werewolves. There were aspects I did like but overall I found it too heavy handed and too patriarchal. I think the direction the show took it was better. Talia Hale is a much better and more interesting choice.

I still do not understand why this book was commissioned at all. It isn't canon and it doesn't even follow the plot of season 1. Basically this was a promotional tool that fell short in my opinion. A waste of Holder's talent and the reader's interest.

However, there are reasons for some of this though like I said.

Back in November when I was in the middle of the book I did some research because I was insanely curious as to why this book was written the way it was. I found Nancy Holder's website which had a contact form.

I screwed up my courage and sent her a brief message asking about why the novel only referred to the first 5 episodes while largely being it's own plot. It's very unusual for a tie in novel

She answered really quickly and while her explanation didn't surprise me it still sort of did.

Essentially she was given a lot of freedom in developing her own plot as she was instructed to not give away any spoilers for the second half of the season. Which is why there's hardly anything to do with the Alpha plot line and Peter is largely left alone.

According to Holder, she is the one who asked Jeff if she would be able to fill in Derek and Kate's backstory so that whole plot is her own creation and he told to "go for it".

I think a lot of fanon seems to possibly originate with her due to this freedom which is interesting.

She's a huge fan of Teen Wolf and I found it super endearing even if I didn't like all her writing choices.

In conclusion: