#it's complicated because i feel like its more my fault than anything

[birdblues]

tw for sexual//assault in the notes

[sundays-mutt]

there's a lot of discussion and speculation about the fact john doesn't speak of arthur in rdr1. logistically it's not hard to understand that rdr1 just came out years before rdr2 and thats why but . But.

but when you think of rdr1 with the additional context two, there is something quite... in line with john trying to forget arthur. wanting to. or burying him. not just in metaphor or in soil but in his memories and in some way failing to do it but in another succeeding

you think of john and his commitment to his son and wife and you think of his willingness to do anything for them. moral or not. righteous or not. and you think of the fact that john didn't know at the time the sort of man arthur believed him to be, but he perhaps modeled himself in the image of his older brother. near incidental. he has so little in common with arthur really. john's broody and lacking remorse and at twenty-six he's inconsiderate entirely in a way arthur never was.

but time is a thief and one day, he turns 38. he's older than arthur when he dies. and john doesn't remember well what he looks like, and all he can feel when he thinks of arthur is grief. grief that never ends. thats the thing about all of it, you'll realize - is that john knows arthur best in the retroactive.

the sort of complicated, odd man arthur was revealed to him in the creases of pages and keepsakes. in the carving of his guns that john finds after arthur is gone. in the ring of the woman arthur loved long ago. in the confessionals to his son isaac and the regret in the letters he wrote to their psuedo father. you realize john knows more of arthurs stagnant ghost that can't guide john into manhood the way he so desperately needs. and it's all he has to go by to make a man of himself.

john never finds out what kind of man arthur believed him to be and he has to infer the real good man arthur was. in grief there is love. john loved arthur enough to want to be like him. and in burying the living, breathing man arthur was he's forced to cling to his spirit. has to piece together the kindness of his older brother through memories and diary entries and secondhand stories. and that's how he models himself in rdr1 to me. where arthur is moral john becomes dutiful and where arthur is kind, john is helpful. he becomes the shadow of arthurs best qualities. he can never be arthur. no one could ever be arthur, even if arthur had given them the page by page instructions of how to do so. this is all he has. all he knows. all he can do.

john misses his brother. so he tries to embody him. but he can't really in the same way he can't grieve him. so he makes a home for arthurs ghost to return to in himself. john never mentions arthur because it dregs up painful what-ifs, but they share so many mannerisms and bastardized qualities. john has fashioned himself based on those loose memories.

one day, a stranger meets john and says. "why would you remember me, friend? you've forgotten far more important people than me" and john will remember all the ghosts he's ever loved briefly. there will be a blurry face and a forgiving voice and it will sound like a memory and it will linger in johns ribcage like a moth. and john won't remember. he won't. he can't. he buried his brother without ever doing it.

john says a lot of things. feels a lot of things. he shoots his gun to the stranger who calls his memory into question and the thing jams and the bastard roams free. john will taste blood in his mouth. he'll feel a cough in his lungs and well, he won't remember his brother still. buried men must stay buried.

of course. of course john never mentions arthur. he can't remember him, even though he's inherited so much of his manner. to speak it of him would be admitting to his existence. its admitting: i miss you. im sorry. it was my fault.

of course john never mentions arthur. he's made all this effort in forgetting him that even when his body and his gesture and his character betray the fact he's forgotten - his mind will soothe the pain and blur out his face.

and instead of remembering in life even once, he'll die the same way arthur did. alone. protective. contented. redeemed. john loves arthur like most brothers do - with muscle memory.

even if john cuts the necrosis of arthurs memory off of him, his body will twitch at the phantom feeling of his existence. john remembers even when he can't. arthur his only brother. the most important man he's ever forgotten.

[downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles]

Raphael's First Love—A Talk With Splinter

part of the First Love Talk miniseries!

sfw 💫 word count: 1.2k

The old metronome in the corner of the dojo ticked on incessantly as Raphael sat in indignant silence with Master Splinter. After four outbursts, a fight with Leonardo, and days of distance, Splinter had put his foot down and called his son in for a talk about his behavior. Beneath his stern exterior, Splinter was concerned.

"Raphael, explain yourself," Splinter demanded with a calm voice, treading a thin line with his angriest son's temper. Not out of fear—Splinter could and would easily put the giant back in his place even as an old rat. That was no issue. "What has gotten into you?"

Weeks of this crap, that's what, thought Raph bitterly. Weeks of feeling sick to his stomach every time she was around, trying to put up a good front and getting embarrassed by himself or his brothers; he felt stupid. Weak. Utterly at her mercy, and she didn't even know. Good. I don't want her to. Splinter gave him a skeptical eye. He shifted his position multiple times, uncomfortable and trying to look casual. Grunted dismissively. But he knew his father was not going to take that for an answer. He let out a scoff, dodging eye contact, "Things gettin' under my shell like usual."

"But not like usual, because you are worse-off than usual," observed Splinter.

His mental health was actively declining the more he deliberated on the pang in his heart he felt when he thought about her. It made his guts twist to think about why he was so angry, why he was even afraid of her, deep down. The last thing he ever wanted to admit to himself, let alone Splinter, was that he cared what she thought. A lot.

Too much.

All of his brothers seemed so confident, and yet he was self-conscious. Why? Why do I gotta be like this?!

Raph shrugged. "You know me, master. Comes with the whole package, whether all of you like it or not." He was already moody, prone to rapidly-changing emotions. That was never a guess, it was a given. "Look, I'll do us a favor and just end this convo now—I ain't in a bad way. And Leo needs to stay in his lane comin' to you over a little fight." He started to get up, leave the terrible silence of the training room and that god awful ticking metronome. Splinter jabbed his cane into his plastron, knocking him back, and then brought it down hard on his foot. Raph yelped and stumbled down, quickly reassuring his seated position.

"Enough!" Splinter barked. "Sit, Raphael."

Splinter had his full attention, now. The top of his foot ached dully.

Raph was seething on the inside. On the outside, he slumped over his knee, hiding his face behind his thick forearm.

This was all her fault. If she hadn't fallen—literally crashed—into their lives, he would be fine. There would be no question about what to do or what he was feeling. It was always them and the shadows—no people, no complications. He always knew that would never be accepted despite craving it with every ounce of his being. Why change that? Why suddenly bring more emotions into the mix? Before her, it was all straightforward. Now, he worried if he was too brutish, too much of a freak, if his normal habits weren't so "normal". He didn't want to feel like he was under one of Donnie's microscopes, with her eye looking through the lens.

Splinter furrowed his gray brow at him, resting his hands on his cane. "This is about your self esteem, is it not?" he questioned carefully. Prying.

"You couldn't know anything about it!" Raph shouted back. He swung his hand as he spoke. "I'm a six-foot turtle, there's no changing it! No changing me!"

Sighing a light breath, Splinter closed his eyes. This was going to be the challenge for the day. No day was without its challenges. He recentered his thoughts, looking for a different angle. He wanted to speak his son's language.

"Correct, there is no changing you."

Raph stuttered on his response as his face fell almost imperceptibly, but Splinter knew every minute expression of his kids.

If she knows, I'm done for. Raphael's mind was swirling and his thoughts were reaching dead-ends left and right. There was no changing. No hope? He couldn't tell. He'd given up before he'd even tried. Because like his weapon, he was defensive, and did everything possible to protect what? Himself. His big, soft heart in there that needed some serious attention. The thought of telling her made him want to hurl. But like a moth to a flame, he kept coming right back to her, torturing himself with "what-if's" and doubts he had all the while.

"What do you want me to say, Splinter?" Raph spat with a low voice.

"I want you to be honest with yourself," Splinter replied.

Raph poked the tip of his sai into the mat before him, digging it into the material. "Okay, I'll bite," he said, "what do you think I'm lyin' about? Huh?"

He already knew the answer to that. It was everything; he rejected the shyness he felt inexplicably when she was around. He felt dirty next to her, or if he accidentally touched her, it was an ordeal. Because he was a mutant and she was a human. Out of all of her pick of people, he never could have been at the top of her list. He doubted he even made the list as an option.

Knowing Raphael was lying then, too, Splinter simply lifted his chin at him, and waited for the real answer.

The silence was getting to be too much for him. He jammed his sai into the mat, stabbing through it. But in his face was sadness, not anger. He finally admitted, "I just want to be accepted. Even just by her." Fiddling with his sai, he averted his eyes to stare at something random next to him, adding quietly, a little bashfully: "Aaaaaand sometimes I think Leo has a…better shot than me. That's why we were fightin'. I went nuts because he was gettin' along with her and it made me feel some stuff I don't want to feel."

There it was, thought Splinter, bingo. "Well, you are certainly not the first young man to make a fool of yourself over a girl."

"Master, I don't even know what to do with myself. How am I ever gonna know what to do with her?"

"The first step would be to stop ruining my mat," Splinter said as he bonked his son's head with the end of his cane, irked that he was creating a hole in it with his sai. Raph quickly tucked his weapon away. He muttered an apology. Splinter cleared his throat before continuing. "The second step would be for you to face your fears, Raphael. Accept them, conquer them. You are as you are—what humanity thinks of you is not your concern. You know who you are. I would like to think that [y/n] does as well."

Raph shifted, uncomfortable. "Yeah, I don't think she does. I don't really…"

She was all too kind, beautiful, and smart; a deadly, terrifying combination, in his predicament. He'd been plagued with dreams of being with her night after night. Not worrying about a single thing until the moment he woke up—he was stressing every morning. His anxieties always seemed to curse him cropping up in his dreams; not even in sleep could he escape her sphere of influence.

Placing a gentle hand on Raphael's shoulder, Splinter looked down at him, "Then, you show her who you really are. Raphael."

[starrycassi]

Snippet of my jayvik works for silco au.

This is sevika mildly trying to give Viktor relationship advice. In her own way.

"He's… decent looking. Tan. Got some bulk. Tall. I could see it, I guess. Probably. If I squint.” Sevika tells him, which is crazy, because they sort of look alike. Viktor, however, isn't actually that eager for the embrace of death, and will not be telling her that.

Jayce, in the middle of the room, laughs at something someone said. The music is loud enough that Viktor does not have to worry about his lab partner overhearing their conversation, they're far enough for him to hear Sevika’s words without her having to raise her voice too much.

The corner table they're in is his favorite table in the place for that very reason. The sound reverberates off the top of the walls, sound waves bouncing back and forth. There's a speaker over their heads, facing the middle of the room. Its sound doesn't reach them with the same intensity, not if they both sit as close to the wall as possible. He can almost feel the thumping drums right over his head. Sevika appreciates being able to watched the rest of the room without having to worry about her back.

“You're insane.” He tells her, hand shaking slightly. Jayce picks up a shot from a passing waiter, skin glistening under the neon lights. He throws his head back with another cackle, shiny, almost canine teeth showing in a cocky smile. The stretch leaves his neck bare for everyone to witness, and witness they do. Viktor feels the lust that fills some of the faces in the crowd, feels the way some eyes linger far longer that they should.

The shot goes down smoothly, except for the one droplet that escapes his lips. It slides down from the corner of his mouth to his beard, where his partner finally wipes it away with the back of his hand in a quick motion. Jayce's hair is long enough to brush against his cheekbones, and Viktor feels like tugging on it for the rest of the night. Oh, what a glorious night it could be.

A pair of fingers snaps in front of his eyes. He frowns, angry at the interruption. “Staring makes you look pathetic. Makes me look pathetic, by association.”

“It’s not my fault you've no taste, woman.”

Sevika groans, rolling her eyes. Jayce is dancing with an unknown girl. She's got pink skin and cheeks that gets pinker every passing second. Jayce spins her around. She giggles the whole time, batting blue eyelashes at him.

“You're making your own life way more difficult than it needs to be, boy. Fucking women isn't this complicated.”

"You only say that because you pay for the women you fuck. The brothel will get you a special room, at this rate."

"I'm sure there's no woman that would touch you with a teen foot pole. Not for all the money in the world."

Jayce leans down. Pink Girl smiles, leaning in. Jayce, who is an idiot in anything that doesn't concern equations, fixes her hair, tucking a strand behind her ear. He goes back to dancing. She follows.

“I don't get you. He's just another loud dog. You've been successfully bringing men like him around for years, and you're getting cold feet now? Don't give me that look. The walls are not that thick and you always get the vocal ones. Do whatever it is you do usually, flash him a nipple or something, and get it over with. Can't be that hard.”

Pink Girl is very clearly trying to be brave. Jayce is very clearly trying to fix her bra. It keeps slipping down.

“He's a piltie.” She continues, spitting the word with all the vitriol a person can manage while slightly inebriated. She glances over at the duo, narrowing her eyes. “And fucking clueless. Glenda right there is practically throwing herself at him. With that combo of attributes? I bet he's never even give his first kiss.”

“How do you know her name?”

“Well, how do you think, eh?” Sevika lifts up an eyebrow, faint smirk growing in her lips. Viktor decides that he's heard enough.

“Whatever. And he has kissed someone.”

“And how do you know that?”

Turns out, Sevika doesn't quite like it when one imitates her answers.

She gets up with a disgusted look on her already unwelcoming features, goes to Jayce and physically shoves him away, elbowing him in the ribs. Glenda seems to forget about Jayce's existence, and let's Sevika take her by the waist. They grind against each other for less than five minute before disappearing into one of the rented rooms.

Jayce, apparently, decides that it is an amazing moment to come over and talk. Viktor makes sure to remember that they do have a job to do. Work. Science. Together. They're coworkers. Colleagues. Co-creators. Partners in the lab.

Jayce's half-open shirt doesn't really help his cause.

.

“This is ridiculous.”

Sevika seems to think that this is Viktor's and hers crush on Jayce. When they met, Viktor never took her for the noisy type. Then he turned sixteen and she decided that he was ‘adult enough’ to complain to.

“You are ridiculous.”

“Greatest genius of Zaun. Can't even think of one decent comeback when the mutt is near. And you're telling me you two spend the whole day alone, in a laboratory, building weapons for our people to use? The very same weapons I have to trust my life to? Amazing.”

Offended, Viktor huffs, burying himself deeper onto the couch.

“Our inventions are absolutely flawless, I will have you know. You arm is one of them. Haven't had any complains, now, have you?”

“The color is ugly.”

He flips her off.

They're in Jinx's… room. Lair. Playground. Whatever this gigantic fan is for her. Jayce, Silco and the kid are having a Very Serious Tea Party. Viktor isn't quite sure what part of his contract covers for this as company time. He doesn't actually have a contract, but, still.

Jayce is wearing a bright-blue, hastily applied lipstick. He's got sloppily applied pink, glittery eyeshadow. His hair is up in the two most asymmetrical pigtails ever. It's long enough to do that, now.

He's crouched down, ass barely fitting into the chairs. He'll probably complain about back pain tomorrow. He chuckles lowly, covering his lips with his hand. The teacup is a miniscule thing on his hands. Calmly, he grabs a sugar cookie and bites in. Silco also got the kid real cookies and tea to play with. For some strange reason.

“- so just fuck him, get it out of your system. Trying to tame your dick will just leave you with a desperate dick and a lot of frustration. As soon as you stop denying it and actually- are you even fucking listening to me?”

Jinx must say something actually funny, for once, because Jayce's laugh reaches all the way to where Sevika and him are retreated, Viktor arguing for pain in his leg and Sevika offering oh so kindly to take care of him.

Jayce rarely actually laughs, these days. He's a great pretender, but Viktor is an even better skeptic. The dry chuckles and pretentious giggles don't sway him, neither do the over-the-top roars of noise he lets out in public. This time, the corners of his eyes shrink, his shoulders shake, his face lights up, he laughs. A million sparks are born and die on Viktor's chest. There's something even worse than butterflies gnawing at his heart. It's not lust. He wishes it was lust. It's a horrible, sickening thing. One that makes Viktor want to hear him do that for the rest of their lives. Oh, what a wonderful life that would be.

Sevika is glaring at him. He should look at her. Say something. Anything.

Whatever expression he's making must be tremendously obvious, because Sevika freezes, a slow, horrified look creeps in her face. There is, also, a smile. It would be funny, if that look didn't reflect Viktor's exact feelings on the matter.

“Oh. Oh. Ohhhh, fuck.” She says, very eloquently.

“Oh, fuck, indeed.” He answers back, suddenly feeling nauseous. "So, Glenda?"

"She's good at what she does. Don't change the topic. Oh, you're fucked. This is so funny. You're absolutely fucked. I know there's at least three boys out there being avenged with this whole situation."

He can't even disagree with her.

[onlyhereforthestories]

Bumpy History - Part 4 (Aitana x Reader)

It was a hot, sunny afternoon, and the team had just wrapped up a particularly chilled training session. You were chatting with Alexia, your best friend on the team when you noticed Aitana sitting alone on a bench nearby, seemingly lost in her thoughts. Concerned for your now friend, you excused yourself from the conversation with the captain and made your way over to Aitana. She looked up as you approached, offering a small smile.

"Hey, Aitana, is everything okay?" you asked, taking a seat beside her.

Aitana hesitated for a moment before she replied, "Yeah, I'm okay. Just thinking about some stuff, sorry I’m a little in my head."

You could tell there was more to it, but you didn't want to press her. Just as you were about to change the subject, Alexia approached you both.

"Mind if I talk to Aitana for a moment y/n?" Alexia asked, her tone casual, but her eyes locked onto Aitana.

Aitana shifted uncomfortably, but you nodded, "Of course, Ale. What's up?" You took this as your cue to get up and leave, running to catch up to Patri who was about to head into the changing rooms. You weren’t even slightly aware of the conversation about to be had in your wake.

Alexia took a deep breath, something that only meant this wasn’t going to be an easy conversation and then turned to Aitana. "Aitana, I've got a question for you. I've noticed that you and Y/n have been spending a lot of time together lately, and it seems like you two have been getting close."

Aitana's eyes darted between you and Alexia. "Yeah, we've been hanging out more. She's a great friend."

Alexia raised an eyebrow, not convinced by the response. "That's good to hear, but I think there's more to it, Aitana. Y/n means a lot to me, and I want to make sure she's not just a passing interest for you. Are you serious about where things could be going with her?"

Aitana looked down at her hands, her expression pensive. "I... I like Y/n, Alexia. More than just as a friend, I mean. I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make things complicated. We are still new to the even getting on thing and I know that was my fault growing up, but I really don’t want to ruin this before its even really got started."

Alexia's demeanour softened as she heard Aitana's shy admission and subsequent rambling. She reached out and placed a hand on Aitana's shoulder. "Aitana, Y/n cares about you a lot too. I can see that. Just be honest with her. If you like her, tell her. You both deserve to be happy."

Aitana nodded, and her gaze met yours as you turned around to check on them before heading into your destination of the changing rooms. "Thanks, Alexia. I appreciate your honesty. I'll talk to Y/n."

After Aitana confessed to Alexia and the realization that she had deeper feelings for you than just friendship, she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep her emotions in check as easily any longer. She knew that she needed to think about talking to you and telling you honestly how she felt, but that still scared her to death. Even if she had realised it was true.

Training had been done and dusted for about an hour. You had managed to get home, change into some comfy clothes and start cooking lunch when your doorbell rang. You stirred the sauce in the pot one more time quickly before making your way to the door, slightly confused as you weren’t expecting anyone.

You answered the door with a friendly smile, but the surprise on your face was evident when you saw Aitana standing there. "Aitana, what are you doing here?" you were genuinely curious, you were sure you hadn’t meant to be seeing her again today.

Aitana cleared her throat, her nerves getting the better of her. "I needed to talk to you, Y/n. Can I come in?" You stepped aside, allowing her entrance into your space. Aitana followed you to the kitchen, where she took a deep breath and tried to find the right words.

"Y/n, I've been thinking about us a lot, and I realized that I can't keep these feelings to myself anymore," she began. "I like you, more than just as a friend. I've liked you for a while now, and I want to be honest about it."

Your eyes widened in surprise, and you took a moment to process Aitana's confession. "Aitana, I..." you began but then paused, unsure of how to respond.

Aitana used your silence to continue knowing if she didn’t say this now, she probably never would, "I understand if this is too much to handle, or if you don't feel the same way. But I didn't want to hide my feelings any longer, I couldn’t. Seeing you every day from a distance didn’t let those feeling boil up too much and I could deal with them back then but now we are closer, and we talk and I get to see all of you I can’t not feel these things."

You could see the vulnerability in her eyes, and you appreciated her honesty. You took a step closer to her, closing the gap between the two of you.

"Aitana, I appreciate your honesty. I have felt that way about you for a long time but never thought this would happen because of our past." you admitted, your voice soft.

Aitana's eyes widened, and a hopeful smile tugged at her lips. "Wait, you do?" You had to giggle a little at the fact that she only really took in the reciprocated feelings part.

You nodded. "Yes. I didn't know how to bring it up either. I was also so scared to break the new friendship we had started as that was so much better than before."

Aitana's smile grew even brighter before she let a more serious look overtake her features. "I am sorry about all those years I was mean and standoffish; I think I got it in my head we couldn’t be friends or anything because we were so similar in playstyle. And you were just so pretty it was hard for me to hide that so I did the only thing I could think of at that age and that was be mean. If you accept my apology, I'd like to take you out on a proper date, Y/n?"

You couldn't help but smile as well. "I'd love to, Aitana."

It took a little while for you and Aitana to sort out going on a proper date, you had been having coffee and lot and taking little walks after training, but it had been hard to find some extended time where you were both free. You knew that tonight was a free night for both of you so you had plans for the date tonight, but Aitana had yet to tell you those plans.

It had sort of become normal for you both to meet for coffee in the morning of later training days like today, so you were headed to meet the woman you were definitely already falling for. Aitana had been all excited when she saw you walking into which you gave her a puzzled look until she produced two tickets with a grin. You looked at them and saw it was for the Barca men’s game that evening.

“I have booked somewhere for dinner first but then would this be okay?” The pure excitement in her eyes melted your heart more than you would ever say to her.

“Of course, you know I love Barca. Football is what brought us together, so I think this is the perfect first date.”

It had taken you a while to get ready but when you finally chose what to wear you knew it would make a good impression, the pants hung right around your toned legs and the blouse you paired it with brought out your eyes. What you weren’t expecting when you walked into the restaurant was for Aitana to agree with your choice quite so publicly. You walked through the door and took your blazer off just before the waiter showed you towards the table that Aitana was already seated at, as you approached the brunette her eyes took you in.

“Dios mi. You look incredible y/n. Jesus those trousers on you.” You giggled at her slightly flustered face when she realised what she said and just how loud she said it. But you thanked her none the less and mentioned how wonderful she looked in her black dress.

The both of you ordered your meals before you really started to converse. You both found it easy to talk and the conversation flowed effortlessly in the perfect atmosphere set by the restaurant. The meal took longer than anticipated due to you both talking through eating, so you were now rushing to get to the ground for kick off. Aitana had your hand in hers as she dashed from the cab into the crowds heading for the famous stadium.

As you both settled into the seats Aitana had gotten, you couldn't help but steal glances at said woman, you were captivated by the way she immersed herself in the game and atmosphere around her. Her eyes sparkled as she took in the fans screams and the players gearing up to kick off, you could tell football really wasn’t just a job to her.

You were loving the experience of watching a game with the enthusiastic beauty next to you, she would scream at every decision by the ref, get to her feet when Barca were close to scoring and sing along to the chants reverberating round the stadium. What filled you with the most warmth though was when shed pull you up with her or turn to you to explain why the ref got a call so wrong. The fact that she was involving you in what clearly was one of her favourite things just solidified for you that you were indeed falling for her.

You were so enthralled with watching her excitement you didn’t realise Barca had scored until your eyes caught the satisfied smirk on the brunette beauties face, you instantly turned away to hide the red cheeks you were now sporting but stood up to clap and cheer with her. As you sat back down you felt Aitana lean over into your space.

“Keep making eyes like that at me and we will miss the end of the match.” Your jaw dropped at that and the heat that had only really just left your cheeks came back with a vengeance, Aitana just smiled and winked at your reaction. You wouldn’t admit it to her, but her boldness was rather endearing.

Barca did win the game and you did watch it all no thanks to you and your wandering eyes and all thanks to Aitana and her kindness to pretend she didn’t know you were still doing it.

You weren’t sure what the future held for you or your growing relationship but what you did know was that you were open for the journey it took you on. As long as Aitana was by your side through it you didn’t care.

[kaurwreck]

Oh I loved your post about the whole guild arc and ADA&PM complicated relationship, that was beautifully written and it captured everything that I couldn't put it into words myself.

And the way you talked about Mori? Thank you, thank you thank you! While I'm don't mind the fandom misinterpretation of characters, it was quite refreshing to see someone talk about Mori as a human being that's not purely evil.

Now if you if you don't mind.. I need to know your opinion on this hypothetical theory: that Mori regrets everything he has done to Dazai and Yosano (this is canon) and he is actually trying to change and do better (the hypothetical part).

This is why he wants both Dazai and Yosano back, other than the fact that he cares for them, he also wants to try again and do better.

My reason for saying this is:

Looking at chaptet 14, if everything is taken at face value, when Mori makes the strategic decision to sacrifice Akutagawa for avoiding an all-out turf and keeping peace, it's really similar with how he sacrificed Oda to avoid bigger conflicts in future**.

But while looking at the meeting Higuchi had with Mori at the start of the chapter, somethings bothered me 1) Mori's inscrutable stare at Higuchi's reaction when he mentioned the possibility of Akutagawa not recovering 2)how Mori specifically lets Higuchi to know what will becomes of Akutagawa's situation and what PM's solution for it would be.

This made me think Mori knew what action Higuchi would take later and was counting on it. Plus I'm pretty sure Mori knows Akutagawa and Gin are siblings, so he also knew Gin also would go save her brother.

And I find it odd how in this chapter everything got resolved with 1)PM winning and their enemies destroyed 2)PM managed to take back their stolen agent 3)the whole thing was in the end just a squabble between agents and nothing more.

What I'm trying to say is, I like to think Mori values his agents more now and wouldn't just sacrifice them in a cold and calculating scheme. Maybe I'm reading to much into things here...

(**I know comparing the dark era situation with Oda and chapter 14 like this isn't quite right but that's the only frame of reference I could think of)

anon thank you <3 I don't get why people want him to be pure evil. it's so much more fucked up and richly acidic that he loves fiercely and jealously and feels their loss like a brain bleed.

i don't think he regrets it though. he says as such to hirotsu with regard to dazai while staring at the old boss's bed. he'd do the same, again and again and again. what he did re: the great war was try to stop war; and because of what he did re: mimic, yosano and dazai live in a world where they are safe and loved and driven to save and love others. mori may want them back, but mori wants lots of things he can't have (control, ango's head on a spike, verlaine to stop smoking indoors). he can live with want. it's senseless loss of life that won't do.

also, re: akutagawa, yeah, i have no idea why people think mori would sacrifice akutagawa. like, even if you think mori is evil, like. why would he do that. to what end.

but!!!!!!!!!! anon, you've misunderstood our wife. mori didn't make a strategic decision to sacrifice akutagawa either. mori made the strategic decision to surround akutagawa with people who won't let him self destruct. mori is aware that akutagawa is a horse hellbent on breaking his own legs, and he accounts for it.

and it's not because he's changing. he doesn't need to change, there isn't anything wrong with him. that is how he loves; he meets the needs of his people by placing with others and in positions where they have a support network. this is literally canon, like, it is both illustrated and exposited in stormbringer, and also literally every arc.

mari mori wrote about this trait of irl mori's btw:

"It was not his fault if his love, despite its depth and greatness, lacked warmth. Like a creature carrying its shell, he had this lump inside him and yet he loved people. I can see this clearly in my mind's eye."

he's also always valued his people. when the flags were killed, mori attended their funerals with their families. re: oda, mimic was destabilizing the city and killing his people. mimic was an existential threat who wouldn't stop until they got what they wanted. the special division backed mori into a corner by predicating legitimacy and his capacity to realize the entire point of him spending years in the grime and bloodshed that was seizing control of the port mafia on him demonstrating that the port mafia could contain the violence. and they had JUST started to recover from the dragon head conflict. it wasn't cold or calculating, it was a trolley problem and mori doesn't love it when the french kill his people en masse, which is a thing that keeps happening to him.

anyway, below i explain why mori was livid at higuchi. it has to do with higuchi being a horse girl.

Akutagawa kills the way pet dogs and cats do when allowed to free roam, which is superfluously and way outside of the scope of necessity. He quite literally violates his express orders from Mori so frequently that Mori says, "Besides, Akutagawa-kun has always been that way. Going rogue, destroying everything in his path, and contributing the most in the end. One could say he has a knack for it. There's no need to punish him as long as he keeps succeeding."

Consider what "succeeding" means in the context of that particular quote from Mori— Akutagawa has both protected the city and himself survived it. The only time Mori has remarked that Akutagawa failed, it's not only that Akutagawa did not traffic Atsushi, it's that he lost himself, engaged in relentless violence without any regard for his own life, and blew up in a ship because of it. And he did it for nothing. Nothing was gained from him nearly self immolating. There was no purpose to it. Not only has Akutagawa potentially rendered himself permanently comatose, but he did so in such a way that invited others to come finish the job, and Mori can't act to protect him without risking greater escalation.

Mori is furious, not because he considers Akutagawa expendable, because Akutagawa treated himself as if he were. He doesn't even call Akutagawa a liability; he says being retaliated against is a liability, Higuchi accuses him of calling Akutagawa a liability, and he affirms that Akutagawa is talented and his violence (their currency) outclasses anyone in the Port Mafia, and then asks her, "But what about you? Have you ever thought about whether you are suited for this work?"

Mori knows and values Akutagawa for who he is, but because he knows who Akutagawa is, he knows Akutagawa is prone to and invites violence onto himself. Higuchi has a skill, but not one that is apparent or combative. She is clumsy, not particularly skilled at fighting, and hopelessly silly. She also adores Akutagawa, she looks at him like he hung the moon, she trips over herself to attend to him. And, when she thought Byakko was about to kill Akutagawa, she intervened to draw it away from him, and when Akutagawa thought Byakko was about to kill her, he did not hesitate to lash out to kill before it could. He does not instinctively protect himself, that's much of what Dazai's acts of violence were meant to build from scratch, but he does instinctively protect Higuchi.

Mori is angry at Higuchi when she wasn't even on the ship with Akutagawa, and he remarks with utter disdain on the choices they made that led to that moment, including the raid on the Agency. He tells her Akutagawa is good at violence, but does she really think she's suited for it? Gin holds a knife to her throat, and Hirotsu reminds her that while she has the authority to command them, it isn't their titles that command their loyalty, it's their reverence for Akutagawa, and she should consider what there is for them to respect with Akutagawa unable to move. It's easy to construe this as suggesting they don't respect her or would be quick to kill one another if given the opportunity because they're scary, violent mafioso. Then, she flashes back to Akutagawa's deranged bombing of the smugglers. Which he did without her, she was running to catch him and insisting she was supposed to assist him, he tells her he doesn't need anyone, and then he scampers off to go make terrible choices. She reflects to herself that she isn't suited to the Mafia, that she sought to leave it but then stayed, evidently because of him. In the end, it's her stubbornness and willingness to rescue him that compels Black Lizard to not only join her but give her deference as their commander.

She is not suited to violence, but her authority in the Port Mafia is such that she only answers to Mori and Akutagawa.

irl!Higuchi added a special awareness of suffering and sensitivity in her exploration of low-life characters. That's what she's good at. She shouldn't forget it, those low-lifes need her.

(but also, literally, yeah; Gin is his little sister and Mori has ALWAYS trusted his silliest, most idiot babies to Hirotsu. Hirotsu is like that elderly gray wolf in yellowstone who just gave birth for the 10th time and uses her aged sagacity to keep the other wolves out of trouble. just like that wolf, Hirotsu is old as shit by Port Mafia standards. and has shown no evidence of menopause.)

[kerryweaverlesbian]

They really fumbled the season 14 emotional core specifically by not having Mary be present and recognisably Mary for MOST of the season. It feels like we see more of her after her death than before it, and when we do see her before it she's a completely different character who's their uncomplicatedly loving mom.

Take season 10 Charlie, who was present and dynamic and alive and forming new relationships with other major characters and was generally a big part of the plot for season 10. Take season 12 Mary even! So cool they fridged her thrice. The high level of emotion from Dean and Sam after her (apparent) s12 finale death was meaningful to the audience because Mary IS season 12. Take season 7 Bobby! He is active and present and having an emotional arc and has been consistently a part of the fabric of the show.

And compare these to season 14 where she is living in a cabin with an unimportant side character, she's being sweet and motherly full stop, she's in The Pearl where her husband comes back from the dead and she has NO complicated scenes or emotions to process with Dean or Sam and gets maybe 3 lines in the whole 'pisode. The show doesn't give a fuck about her. And this is after season 13 where she's mostly in another world doing fuck all.

For a death to have weight in fiction you need to remind the audience consistently that THIS CHARACTER IS IMPORTANT by having them form new relationships, do things for the plot and generally be present onscreen. As it stands, even though intellectually I know that if MY mom got killed and her murderer came to see me going 🥺 it was her fault really 🥺 will you comfort me 🥺 and I knew they were going to kill more people, I would probably be easily persuaded to put them in eternal prison or shoot them in the head - the emotional truth of it on the show just doesn't carry through.

It feels like an overreaction for Dean to be so angry about this for so long because the show didn't care about Mary enough to have her around. What is he losing by not having her around? In season 14, they don't show us. They did in s12 - the potential to be seen, and the complex joy of getting to know his actual mother rather than the idea of her. And by not showing us, it makes it not exist, because its a tv show and anything that isn't being depicted implicitly isn't important to the story. If you removed all of Mary's scenes from s14 before her death, what would change? Pretty much nothing.

Now to be clear, I don't think they should have fridged Mary at all. But they could have at least done it properly. The sexism that made the writers less bothered about characterising Mary thoughtfully in s14 is a blight on the show.

[sneppu]

uhhh idk lily thoughts (I'm about to spew critical rambling bullshit, big sorry. these things are my badly worded opinions and nothing else.)

thinkin bout how my feelings for Lily are so complicated tbh.. in canon, I cannot like her. I just can't. The disconnect between what the narrative tries to tell us about her and the reality of who she is and what she does are just too jarring to me. for all that she's meant to be a paragon of virtue and goodness, her actions and choices come across wrong and off and bad in a way that is visceral to me, as someone who has been bullied and sexually assaulted myself. And to clarify, I'm not talking about her breaking off her friendship with Severus; she had every right to do that, and I dont think I've seen a single Snape fan actually seriously state otherwise - but because she *knowingly and deliberately chose to get with an abusive bully.* That she and Snape were no longer friends is irrelevant to me. I understand not everyone feels this way, and that's fine. But It's important to me, and so it carries weight to me. The implications are just too offputting to me, and yes, I am biased. Snape is my favorite little guy, after all. I dont pretend otherwise. To each their own, and she, as written in canon, is certainly not for me, historical context and location be damned.

So i can't like her in canon. If anything, I cant help but feel acute resentment for her character, because it feels almost like betrayal to be told "here is a perfect and good person" and then get.. that. Ironically, I would like her a whole lot more if the narrative didnt try insist on her goodness and instead was just like "actually, ngl she was kinda shitty sometimes. questionable as hell. she was a bit of a gremlin and a little bit fucked up" because then it would feel honest. she would no longer feel like a hypocrite to me, and then those moments of kindness would carry more weight, would feel more meaningful. Her actions would be more believable, would feel more nuanced and I would maybe even love her.

...and that, ultimately is what my problem with her is. she has all the potential to be such an interesting character, but she instead falls short of being a full character at all. it's not her fault; this is a jkr skill issue (and her portrayal of female characters in general leaves A Lot to be desired.), so in the end i'm not too pressed.

its exactly why i like Lily so much more in the context of fanworks. Canon lily? offputting. An incomplete character. but fanfic lily? such potential! she could *actually* be the good person she was meant to be and make different choices or at very least have reasoning that makes more sense! or she could go a new direction entirely and be an absolute gremlin menace alongside Snape and in the process, add more interest and nuance that way! all of these things are enjoyable, and for this reason i cannot say I truly hate her - because I do love her so so much when people make her their own and make her make sense, to do her justice and preserve what - i think - would have been that spark that brought Severus and Lily together in the firstplace - whether it be genuine kindness, or a friendship based on being able to relate to one another at a deeper level, on having that shared weirdness together, or even both things! (that's not to say I love every portrayal; and sometimes there are pet peeves, but they do not ruin the character for me in that scenario, for the simple reason that in these fics she *IS* ultimately a full character, which is more than what can be said about canon lily.) ... and that's the joy of fanfics and fanart and creation, isnt it? that you can make your own ideas come to life, put things together in a way that makes sense to you, and see how others would make a these stories and characters come to life. its why I can despise the marauders in their canon, and yet ship everyone of them with Severus given the right scenario. it's why I can dislike snily in the context of canon, and see their relationship as purely platonic under that lens, and yet wholeheartedly ship them otherwise in the context of fanfics and fanworks. It's why when I say i ship Severus Snape with literally everyone I can truly and genuinely mean it. Because I do. I think theres always room for a scenario, for a characterization, or AU, to allow for it. Fiction is a lovely and magical thing, and it ultimately exists for enjoyment, for entertainment and creativity.

anyway, idk if i worded this wrongly or weirdly but tldr: I dislike and am put off by canon lily, but I love what lily can be, what she could be, what she SHOULD be, I love what fans are able to do with her, I love what I wish she was.

[wtfuglydemon]

pro-recovery this anti-recovery that

have you ever thought that people cant recover unless theyre willing to? unless they feel comfortable to? unless they feel like they are ready to?

not only that, ever thought that some things just arent able to be "cured" or recovered from? that our entire psyche system cant handle anything more complicated than a simple anxiety/depression? that if you have complicated disorders they will either shame you, make you feel like a monster and never help you directly but ask you to internalize your symptoms to not be a nuisance to others for the detriment of yourself? that, if they dont straight up drug you numb they will hospitalize you for something you have no fault on? Sometimes seeking for recovery can hurt you more than you already were and its why you can't unless youre willing and prepared to.

Being better with yourself isn't simple, sometimes recovery is having accomodations made to your problems that society simply does not give to others, it's different to all of us, mental health is not easy and straightforward and many make it up to be, this is extremely damaging and can make people hurt themselves, mentally and physically.

I've been abandoned, judged and seen as problematic for not seeking a doctor for myself and also being very open about my distaste for therapy, because i study it, i know how the system is flawed and systematically judgmental, classist, racist and misogynistic and the people in the field can be even worse, i warn people so they know if they are ready for a lot of trial and error, not to discourage them but to know that this is also a challenge you need to be mentally prepared for because otherwise it will leave you more hurt.

every journey to better your mental health is different, complicated, ugly and sometimes filled with hardships, boiling it down to "pro recovery and anti recovery" is to forget others who can't exactly recover, people's who recovery need systematic societal change, people like me with psychopathy who are seem as nothing but monsters who need to be purged from society, regardless if we have our own struggles and difficulties to deal with, its forgetting people in countries who don't have good mental health awareness, it is forgetting people who don't have financial conditions to afford help. No one is against others seeking help for your struggles but sometimes issues are not as simple as you deem them to be and the need to antagonize and "reclaim" their spaces is to negate hurting people of a space where they can be themselves and proud of who they are.

in the end what made me write this is how i am myself even with all my bad, self destructive and harmful behaviors and people like me exist and need a space safe for them to be themselves, it is why i found myself so drawn to the Jirai community, people "reclaiming" and trying to separate it from its roots is just bringing harm to a group of people who simply want to not feel alone with their struggles and be proud of who they are. You are not better than anyone from depriving those of a space for them, all you're doing is showing ignorance and disrespect for an entire group of suffering people.

[aonungyoufuck]

hi! i hope my request will be okay to you rules but im thirst for smth like this ;

y/n is sully, and mated with aonung (aged up obv)

so in the first part they do yfkyn (smut) and in the second part y/n is pregnant and all alone in the shore bc everyone went to fight with sky people. the birth started but there is so much complication so she end so messed up with so much blood coming out from her v and half conscious. when aonung come back he found her and first he loose his mind he was so scared but then he take her to ronal who need to do all the things like sew her and everything - her condition was tragic.

firstly im so sorry for my english (it is not my first language so yeah) but i decided to write because i see that youre aonung specialist 😂❤️

Ma Baby Ma Baby

Warnings: Obv birth, Some tear kinda gore? Graphic for sure.

Ao'nung (22) Reader (21)

Thank you for the request Anon! Sorry it took me a while since i dont typically write Smut i tried making it up with it some more with the rest of the story (Also i was lowkey coughing up my lungs so excuse my tardiness i hope this was okay!)

Finally. was all you can think about as you felt the stinging pain of the tattoo now being painted over your skin. Sure You dint really need to do this Given your darker complexion and the fact that well you weren't really metkayina well... But that didn't matter. You had stated this is what you wanted for you. For him.

"Almost done don't worry"

Truth be told this was only one Tattoo of many you were sure to have. One of your spirit sister, No doubt later came the mate tattoo.

Just the thought sent shivers down your spine. You had never thought this would happen. That you would be Mated to Ao'nung. Truly no you didn't see this coming.

Had you told yourself when you arrived and hated the poor man's guts. Well You'd probably ask you to drown. However now it was different. He had changed along side you.

"How gorgeous you are"

"Oh stop that i just came to show you" You said slapping his hand off of your hip. No doubt some time later you'd see your spirit sister with one too.

"And yet you take my breath away anytime i see you"

"Oh hush. Do you like it or not?" You asked moving your loincloth just a little bit more to show him fully the full thing.

Feeling his hand stroke your inner thigh and beginning to whisper in your ear. "I do"

"Stop that" You spoke slapping his hand feeling the other now rest on your back and pull you into him.

Now you were not much shorter than him. Not by a lot but right now you felt so utterly small, and in a good way too. Feeling him rub against you, the loincloth now rubbing right above your own.

"Ao'nung stop we cant stop once we start"

"Who said i want to stop" He whispered again now pushing you two down at full force. Him atop you feeling you and you in turn him.

It honestly felt like a bunch of little things were crawling on you with the excitement that you felt.

You two never done anything more than hug or kiss. Never taking it too far. You two knew better than doing anything before mating. But maybe it was time to try something new.

"Ao'nung seriously! Your mother and my father will kill us if we do anything right now"

"Its a good thing your worth it then" He spoke. Kissing your neck and lowering dangerously. Feeling his hand messing with your top.

Jake was a very strict father, It was a blessing he even gave Ao'nung the blessing of courting you. But if this went on any more you were sure you'd lose your mate before he even officially became your mate.

You may as well go out together, you thought now pulling him closer to you. You were thankful that right now it was well past eclipse and no doubt everyone was asleep. So if anyone were to see anything, well it was really their fault.

"It seems even you want this my love"

"Oh shut up"

Almost like messy teens trying to get something from each other. You two messed around with the knot of each other's loincloth. before Finally being expose to one another.

You couldn't help but avade looking at him. Before he placed a hand on your cheek making you turn to him. "Look at me my dear"

Taking in a gulp the air now thick with a tension you had only ever heard of. Looking at him fully. His tattoo on his shoulder wrapping around to his back and little over his peck.

"No need to hide now, dont you think"

You smiled letting him feel you. And you in turn touching him.

"May i ?" He asked looking down to your core. If you weren't high on the emotions you were sure you would have slapped him away to not look. But right now you didn't care.

You chuckled now going to sit at his lap. You wetting him and him in turn causing a friction you so desperately wanted right now. Kissing him. So desperate and yet so gentle.

Both your breathes becoming labored as you smelled each other. Kissing his head and then his collarbone before looking into his eyes.

"Take me as you see me"

He took in a gulp. Feeling you. Seeing you and tasting you. It was all he ever had dreamed of.

And with a prayer on his lips he guided himself to your core. The feeling engulfing you two as he bit your shoulder to hold back a growl that he had been holding.

Now exactly nine months later here you were standing and waiting for Ao'nung to return. Just like you had predicted Your parent's weren't pleased to know you two had laid with each other. Not that you had admitted to.

Actually you had a whole four months to prepare for your ceremonial bond. But Ronal wasn't stupid neither was your mother. Neytiri was talking to jake when the suspension came on. You had been eating too much and so she asked Tsahik to make sure of it.

Sure enough your parents. Especially Jake was beyond furious. And by default you two had your ceremony much sooner than expected.

Now To say Jake and Ronal were the only ones who were furious was an understatement. It really felt that Tonowari, Tuk and Tsireya were the only ones that were happy.

Bless Ao'nung for handling your family.

Unfortunately that short lived bliss of being mates was interrupted. Roa had been found dead with her calf. Now you all stood watching as your father told them to warn the Tulkun. You couldn't move. You weren't allowed.

You just waited watching as Lo'ak and Neteyam were now arguing.

It all happened in a flash. You were in the arms of Ao'nung, and then the next you were asking him to be safe in bringing your brother's back.

Taking yourself into your pod.

You prayed. The pit in your stomach now hurting as you felt your breath hitch. You still had a few months to go. But it felt painful suddenly.

"Eywa please please let this fear leave me" you begged. Hand on your stomach as you couldn't even hear the horns sound.

War didn't just hurt those to went to it. Soldiers bled but the innocent stay and suffer that pain.

The silence of the village was what alarmed you. You were completely alone. Perhaps the stress? The emptiness of it all but you felt your water break.

Panic seeped into your heart. It was far too early. Too dangerously early and you were alone. Nobody in sight. Without even thinking you let out a cry unbeknownst to you calling your Ikran 'Ana.

You didn't even know what to do. All you remembered was what little you had learned from Ronal and your mother. You thanked 'Ana for being ever so patient as you pulled at her face and held her there while you went into the water.

Let Gravity help

That's all you were told was your best of friends. And so you did. Feeling 'Ana Grumble and growl along side you. Perhaps too she was scared of what was happening.

You felt the sting. And then the shooting pain. You began to push on instinct too But that sharp burning pain didnt stop. Looking down at the water you saw red.

Blood. A lot of Blood

'help'

it was the only thing on your mind as you finally felt the relieve of the growing tension ease.

But that wasn't the end of it. Yours lungs ached and the bleeding was getting so much worse. Looking at 'Ana you looked at her finally.

"Please..get mom"

That's all you wanted letting her fly off. You looked down again. Placing your hand down to feel. An open wound. And the head of your babe poking out.

Screaming again as you began to push. Feeling yourself get lightheaded. You looked to the open sea. Cries. War. And you were all alone delivering your babe by yourself.

Begging, Silently praying to Eywa as you felt your legs shake.

Ao'nung along side Tsireya was now dragging back a wounded Neteyam. He made a promise to bring your brother's back. Jake Had told him to take him back to shore and that's what he did.

His people Some wounded and some not so much. Some being dragged. To the safety of his mother's healing pod.

And that's when he saw you. He was so sure he didn't let you anywhere NEAR the battle. He was so sure he didn't see you there. But there you were.

He was one of the very first few people back. And there you were laying on the shore. The water around you red.

"Ao'nung!" Tsireya yelled now taking Neteyam in her arms as she saw him run to you.

So much blood. So much blood. Dragging you he saw the cord that now left your legs and he began to search the water. Scared. Terribly scared, frightened to his core to think that something happened to you or the babe.

And then he brought the small thing up. Its movement now erratic before he let out a shrill cry. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be so happy

But this babe was so so small. So terribly tiny. And you were bleeding.

"Go take her to the pod! Go" Tsireya yelled again struggling to drag ao'nung but noticing some people coming back.

Ao'nung didn't think he just picked you up and placed the babe in your arms as he took you to his mom's pod.

Now he was no healer. But his mom had taught him how to stop the bleeding So while she would take a while to get here He could do what was the best for the meantime.

Jake now stood in front of the pod where you were being taken care of along side Neteyam. He was both thankful and yet Furious with himself that he let this happen.

He looked at his son in law. his face a distant memory of when he let home tree fall. A loss and yet being so lost in thought.

"kid?"

He didnt respond possibly to shell shocked as he waited

"Hey it'll be alright okay?"

"Will she be alright?" He asked like a little kid. Looking at his family and then Tonowari both parents dealing with having to protect their kids.

Before he could speak. Ronal opened the veil of the pod looking at all of them and then her son. "she's alright"

"and Neteyam?"

"He's alright as well. Hasn't woken up yet but is stable. Come" She said stepping aside and letting them all in.

You kept looking at the ceiling. As you had been the entire time you were conscious. Ronal having to stitch you up and while painful it wasn't as traumatizing and enduring labor alone.

You saw Ao'nung and then your father. And that's when you began to cry. You had been so scared and you were terrified as Ronal had not said a word about your baby.

"Shh its okay. Its okay sweet girl" Your father said stroking your head as you couldn't help but cry.

Ao'nung holding your hand before he felt his mother tap him on the shoulder. A small bundle. Barely the size of a healthy babe in her arms.

"He is tiny. Premature. But he is healthy" She spoke watching as all your family now surrounded her and watched.

She was right. Such a tiny little thing.

Ao'nung smiled. Kissing your head as he just held you. "healthy my love healthy"

You couldn't help but laugh a little through your sobs as you felt ronal lay the small thing on your chest. Sure now came the path of having to care for such a premature babe. But you were just glad all that pain. All that panic was worth it. Because as you two stared at your little son. It made it all worth it.

"Welcome to the family little one" You heard Neteyam say next to you. and Oh Eywa. Was it the thing you wanted to hear after hearing your babe cry too.

[hiding-in-the-vault]

isnt this whole wilbur thing a huge warning sign against getting too attached to ccs, because we can never truly know them? why are we celebrating a few fans putting /150/ dollars + whatever the commission fee for the artist was into a birthday present for a guy who just.. doesnt know them? its not like merch or supporting a creator, its literally money in the wind. between this and merch dropping like clockwork but sapnap being the only one actually doing content (and hes clearly just doing it for the kick quota.. sorry but the streams are so lackluster), im getting really disillusioned with the dream team. theyre literally just coasted by because of a hyperdedicated fanbase they dont really seem to give a shit about. people talk about how amazing and kind they are but are they really? we dont know. why are we monetarily supporting millionaires its literally just charity but for rich people at this point, they dont provide any value in exchange. i think people should really consider why theyd rather drop ~180 dollars on a billboard for a rando instead of charity or buying something they want or need. sorry idk i just feel fed up with how much time and money and love i poured into these guys and in response were getting nothing. sapnap didnt even bother to denounce the abuser he used to interact with. i could have donated and actually helped someone instead of buying a fucking hoodie i cant even wear to school because id get bullied.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little wake up call. They are just some guys that stream and make videos. You’d think the last few Situations™ would teach people to simply not put cc’s on pedestals and expect perfection from them. But you must realize that if you’re going to argue against people giving cc’s money, then you need to go all the way back to every single sub and donation they’ve gotten through twitch as well. It’s always been a luxury some choose to do because they get something out of it. They were never forced or tricked into doing it. And I don’t know how the Sapnap billboard was funded, but I donated to the George b-day billboard. Gave up $5 because I thought it was a fun community idea, and it did not impact my ability to donate or buy things I needed. It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. It’s not a streamer's fault that you chose to spend money on them instead of donating.

If you’re upset by the lack of content, then entertain yourself with something else. People have been saying that for ages. If you think their intention is to continue promising content and never delivering just to squeeze money out of fans, then leave. I personally don’t believe that.

Dream believes he does owe us content, but we don’t get to decide when it comes. And you don’t have to give them a dime for it.

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Transcript of Dream’s message

Hey, here’s a Transcript of what Dream said regarding DSMP. Where he confirmed S2 would not happen. I tried to get it accurately as I could while still being pretty clear.

DSMP... okay let’s talk Dream SMP. I’ll just be completely, blunt, I don’t think there will be a season 2. I mean, That’s not 100%. Obviously that could change, there’s been so many discussions about it and there’s a lot of people. Even though its called Dream SMP, it’s not just like a me thing, there’s a lot of people that are part of it, contributing and who have contributed to it. I feel, I’ve discussed this in discord and expressed my opinion on it... and a lot of people have expressed themselves about it. I want to do what everyone wants to do but at the same time I also don’t want to do anything that doesn’t feel like me. Dream SMP was originally started with just me and my friends f*cking around on the SMP but it’s different now. There’s a lot more to it with the DSMP. And the DSMP obviously was iconic and had so many awesome things to it. So I think realistically there won’t be a Season 2. If there was it’d be different and it won’t be for a while if there was. But, I think realistically there’s not so don’t get your hopes up.

And again that’s another thing that’s like hey you know I’m sorry. That’s something like false expectations. But The thing is, everything was done everything was ready. Everything was coded for DSMP Season 2. I had a whole document with all the new features, all the new plans, we had came up with the initial story etc etc. And just like, it didn’t happen. And then after time passed, stuff wasn’t happening, the finales and stuff. The finales took a lot longer than expected and there was stuff that didn’t ever come through with the finales. 

And I honestly lost motivation. One thing I said when we discussed it later on was like definitely once it ended up not happening it was my fault but the reason that it got to that point was because nobody was as motivated and nobody was as into it for a long period of time and everybody got busy with irl stuff. There were periods of time where I would message people and people wouldn’t reply about doing stuff and periods where I got messaged and wouldn’t reply. But then there was a multi-month period where I didn’t know what to do. I was sitting there like ‘I don’t know if we should reboot, I don’t know if we should do fresh stuff’.

And then of course Techno and obviously that complicated things. Our plan for a while unfortunately before Techno passed was to do like a memory related thing in order to have new relationships and friendships and stuff. But then obviously that was something that Phil pointed out like something he didn’t think about then mentioned later on was like oh that kinda sucks because you know it would be erasing stuff Techno had done and stuff. That kinda affected the plans. Do we change what we do? Do we whatever?

Yeah. As far as I know the server’s still up and has been up. Anyone’s that’s on and whitelisted can do what they want and stuff. I know Karl’s talked about doing lore outside of the SMP for his final stuff and I think Quackity’s talked about the same. Because It’s less reliant on other people to do things. Yeah, I don’t know, that’s kinda my thought process on this so I don’t want to whatever. 

And again I just want to go back to a time where we were all saying it’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen. It was. Everything was done, everything was ready and then. It wasn’t really, it wasn’t just a me thing being like ‘well guess we’re not doing it’ There’s like a lot of stuff that happened and obviously stuff that happened which complicated things, like publicly as well. Some of the stuff... I’m sure you know what I’m referring to. That happened right around when Dream SMP season 2 was in the works and being finished. And so that obviously genuinely demotivated me a lot and made me like alright well whatever. I don’t care. I just want to hang with my friends and go back to my roots and do what’s fun for me.

And everyone that did reply whenever I kinda said that stuff fairly recently on the SMP, like a month ago or a month and a half ago at this point, everyone that replied was very positive like ‘oh yeah it sucks but we just want to be able play an SMP with our friends and stuff. And like yeah, that’s totally fair but that doesn’t necessarily have to be the Dream SMP, that can be anything.

[gaykamenriderdreams]

Ok so like. Everyone and their grandmother who watches Gotchard knows that Kurogane Spanner thinks Chemies are "just tools". Like, he just straight up says it, here it is, badda bing

But like. And hear me out on this one. I think this is more complicated than just "oh the rival character is a bastard who thinks puppies don't have feelings and therefore it's okay to go around kicking them all day"

Because I think Spanner thinks of himself as "just a tool" too.

(I am physically incapable of writing a post that doesn't get long so the rest of this is going under the cut. Spoilers up to episode 14)

I mean, just from a design standpoint, the guy has a wrench for a face half the time. There's definitely something to be said for Valvarad's mask being representative of how Spanner presents himself, or even thinks about himself (especially since Spanner created the Valvarad suit single-handedly, apparently????)

Also just like. The guy's first name. Is freaking Spanner.

Like, one of these??? And that's just his name???

Like I mean a bit on the nose but alright. Also, if he picked that name himself (and with a name like that, it seems likely). What motivated that. I simply must know.

(Diversity win! Local Trans Man absolutely hated by Every Area Teen because he's just such a bastard at all times!)

Also, for all his talk about Chemies being tools, he really doesn't treat them poorly. Like he DOES say that he really doesn't care about collecting them, he's just doing his job (performing his function, you could say)--

But like, this is also the same guy that has three Vehicle Chemies that are just his that he does not like being apart from even for less than two minutes

Like we all done been knew that Sabimaru has a special interest in Occult-type Chemies, you can just SAY you're only interested in Vehicle Chemies.

Or he could just, y'know. Have three Chemies that he really cares about and be content with that. Like those pokemon NPCs with six Magikarp and no interest in getting anything else.

And it's extra odd because we've been told that higher number Chemies are just plain stronger than the others (at least when used by regular alchemists for combat), but none of Spanner's Chemies are level 9. And he doesn't need to use number combos like Ichinose does- so why doesn't he just have three 9s and call it a day? Even IF Valvarad only works with Vehicle Chemies, why doesn't he have Golddash and Steamliner (7 and 9) instead of Gekiocopter and Madwheel (4 and 6)? We just don't know. But it could be because he cares about His Three Chemies Specifically, as much as he verbally denies it.

And another thing. Even when things go wrong, he doesn't take it out on his Chemies!

When Gekiocopter hits their altitude limit and can't take Valvarad any higher, he doesn't express any frustration towards his Chemy. I feel like if he really hated Chemies in general, he'd get mad at Gekiocopter and replace them with a higher-flying Chemy as soon as possible. But he doesn't.

Sure, Gekiocopter is "a tool"... but you don't get angry at a tool for asking it to perform past its specs. It's your fault in the first place for not respecting its limitations when you chose to use it. All the pressure and vitriol in the world won't suddenly make the impossible possible. (I wonder, is this empathy? An understanding of what it's like to be pressed to the breaking point? From one alchemist's tool to another? Surely not.)

And with episode 14 hinting that some things previously assumed to be part of his personality may be "just following orders..." And with how useless he's got to be feeling, losing over and over again despite having spent so much time and effort forging himself into a weapon for the alchemists to use as they see fit... aghhhhh I'm soooo curious where they're going with all this. THERE'S POTENTIAL.

Anyway. All this is not to get anyone to like the guy (though as you can tell, I'm a big fan). I just really wanted to express my thoughts about how there could be more than just "generic jerk" going on under the hood for this car crash of a human being.

TLDR: Kurogane Spanner is a massive tool (derogatory) (complimentary)

[brucethegirl]

Fave season of ouat. And y. Go. (Mine is 3 bc that’s when you see hooks softer/ but still flirtier side and the relationship growing). Although 5-6 come very close bc they are stronger and the proposal and wedding. Ahhhh. But omg when he asked for David’s blessing. That ep had me. But all the kissing in season 3. Oh wait, there’s other people other than hook and Emma in ouat? Nah.

Oh gosh.... (edit: i wrote like two paragraphs of this before realizing you just asked general favorite season, not favorite CS season, but I still turned this into a CS post.)

Season 2 is not bad. There's so much there for background to understand where emma was coming from, versus season 1 which was mostly us as viewers learning who everyone was in the enchanted forest and how the story we know was being reinterpreted. Now it was learning where Emma was coming from, where Killian comes into the picture and some of his background, where Cora comes from which lays the groundwork for how she raised Regina and where she is coming from. How they became the people they became today, the steps of their recent history. The continuous choices and situations that led them to where they were when they all came together. I love straight up evil Killian. It's fun. Him trusting her immediately, him being sassy flirty, him saying "just a I'm done with you" (pssh, okay my guy). but at the end, despite it being good writing, I'm just okay about it. I mean yea its got Tallahassee.... but I also am not a fan of how they handled the neal/emma relationship when they were young. Michael Raymond-James is NOTICEABLY an older man well into his 30s, and I could buy him being a rough 20 something, but Emma is VERY MUCH meant to be late teens and that entire casting situation and its implications followed by the pushing in later seasons for her to be with Neal by her family just makes me so very uncomfortable.

Three is honestly such a fair choice. I love season 3 with Hook starting to realize he needs to change and wants to change. But also still actively having to purge his villain tendencies. Rolling his eyes while volunteering to help Belle research. His snarky comments constantly that no one laughs at cause they're a little on the meaner side. But also the way he and Emma so automatically can read each other. She just has to tilt her head or nod and he knows what she wants him to do. The longing looks, the declarations. Nothing beats "when I win your heart, and I will win it. It will be because you want me" NOTHING. "I'm in this for the long haul" after saying he'll back off to give Henry the chance at a family, and won't inject himself into that. But also knows Neal will mess it up, knows he'll be on the sidelines for the second of an oppertunity. Knows that he DOES stand a valid chance if he wanted to fight. Like, just fuck me up. The shift in Regina's character and how she learns to become good, how that is different from Hook's journey but they both recognize it being the same journey. Her teaming up with Rumple to fnd Henry and it markedly NOT being villains teaming up, but her willing to do anything to save her son and the second she realizes its no good, she's gone. Learning more about the emotional backstory and early character moments in their lives, Hook, Emma, and Regina especially. Learning the complicate pasts, and seeing the steps they took to get here. I feel like actual writing wise- its the strongest season for them. Its also go the best lines. Like Regina and Robin also is SO GOOD in the flashbacks and I forever regret not getting more of them in that weird flirty hate each other stage but what we did get was SO GOOD. "Where you come from, they bath in the river and use pine cones for money" Lana... ma'am.... that is THE BEST LINE in the entire show for me. This season had all the potential, and for that it gets a lot of points. A lot of what was built didn't get delivered on as well as it should have, but that's not the foundations fault. And this season was the foundation.

Season 4 is prime them in love. I love the relationship part of most shows when they handle it well, and I think THAT aspect was handled well. Him obviously in love, her coming to terms with what that means. So much angst in a good way of him being the reason for some of the problems she has. Of him not having his heart. Of him realizing he can't keep making the same villain mistakes if he's going to be with her, if he's going to change. If he's going to be a better man. This is a great season just like... FOR him. You see the realizations that he's made these mistakes and he can't even blame his past self. His current self did this to himself. You see the beginnings of his self-loathing and how that builds the reasoning for the choices he makes. He's had his hook for centuries, he's learned how to work with it and around it. But for the date, the internalized ableism got the better of him, and he thought in order to be a better man, and the man she deserved, he needed to be 'whole.' Which is IMMeDIATELY disproved when she doesn't even realize he had his hand until its pointed out, and also doesn't notice its a hook again later because she loves HIM she sees HIM. Those outward shifts and changes are not important. She notices his clothing change because it represents so much more about him embracing this weird strange land and showing he's sticking around. But his hook? Well thats just part of him that she accepts because its part of him so when he changes it its not something she notices. (sorry, i have a LOT of feelings about this episode) And then the whole darkness inside him and the hand and him being a villain and being afraid of losing his happy ending. 4b is weak we all know that, but the emotions of it are so strong. "Don't you know Emma? It's you." MY GUYYYYYY. The kisses we got this season, the emotional leaps and bounds. Him admitting having her in his life is what keeps him on the side of the heroes. Him saying he hopes its his job to protect her heart even when no one is actively trying to steal it. Her discovering more about her past and really starting to share her history with someone, showing her past and being vulnerable with someone and allowing them to scale the fortress she's put up to protect herself. Learning that someone is there begging to be let in, and isn't going away, and even when she ignores him he says basically that he's not deterred so easily, she's worth it, he recognizes that, and he'll just wait patiently for her to be ready. He will always put her first. Will put her family first. Often at the expense of himself.

Now season 5. Look. Do I think its strong? No. It's some of the saddest writing (season 6 is the worst in my opinion) in that it had SO MUCH POTENTIAL. But it Never delivers it. Season 4 was their love story, so there's no need to focus so heavily on them in season 5, sometimes having them not even interact in scenes that make NO SENSE for them to not interact. Despite the fact that she's just told him she loved him before being taken over by the darkness and saying she trusts him to be able to reach her and save her. Despite the entire ARC being ABOUT THEM for BOTH HALVES, the actual day to day episode to episode is not about them at all. So little focused on them, on them interacting, on their story. It was such a mess. So much promise with so little delivery. Nothing was allowed to breath, nothing was allowed to sit, no one was allowed to have a single thought to work through what they were going through. He's evil for what? a single episode? and in the middle of it there's this entire hour about a character we don't know, with no one we care about, about something never mentioned again that holds zero bering on ANYTHING that happens or has happened. So much wasted time. I LOVE what 5 could have been. I LOVE the implications, and the shifts in narrative and expectation. I LOVE the discovery and acceptance of their relationship and the confirmations we get. I HATE nothing is ever discussed on screen. Everything is implied to happen off screen "like I told you" Did you tell her when the cameras were off? We're given nothing we should have. Everyone else is just set dressing, and yet have all the focus. Its disjointed and just lazy, and its only saving grace is whoever had the initial idea on the brain storm board and then the acting itself. But damn if this season doesn't give me inspiration.

Finally, season 6.... I'll leave at saying when its good, its great. All three singular scenes that are good. There's no follow through from whats already happened to these characters. There's no acknowledgment of their past selves, their past experiences. Hook is GENUINELY shocked that Emma understands why he didn't toss the shears knowing she'd hate him for doing 'the one thing that could save her' WHEN THAT WAS THE ENTIRE CLIMAX OF 5A!

All of this to say, I guess 3?

[wasyago]

episode 110 spoilers

just like, random thoughts and stuff, mostly bits that i remembered

i sat down to write this i forgot everything oh my god--

in chip's flashback. the black rose pirates following the king to the big sakura tree, and arlin holding baby chip's hand. this. the cutest shit ever, i think i almost cried at the image of this big badass group of pirates and this itty bitty child led gently by his hand. even if i didn't cry before i sure will right now, baby chip you're so dear to me...

QUEEN! they didn't remember anything aughhhhh 😭😭😭😭 and their and chip's little talk about how they're going to put the pieces together :( and their hug :(

whatever drey, finn and earl are doing on the ship... like, what? hello? glad they're having fun tho lol. also wait hold on a second. how did drey answer the call? i mean, probably with his leg or something, if i had to guess. or maybe finn held it up for him. not sure if finn is at it enough to be able to answer the shell by himself, so earl and drey are the only ones who can actually use it. and seing how earl is in a... predicament. hm.

jay saying that when she looks at gillion she sees family. AUGHHHHHHHHHH AUGH AUGH OUGH jay ferin i love you. and this is so important to me not only because like hell yes they're more than friends they're a family, but also for jay of all people, considering her relationship with her blood tied family and how complicated her relationship with this word is.

also girl please do something about your leg, im begging you. the bone is visible, this shit is not going to heal up by itself. i dont know how you're still limping around this must hurt so bad. i guess adrenalin maybe, but still. at least get some bandages or something, i don't know... what is it with jay and her legs actually. she fell off a roof in edison kingdom and landed on a piece of metal that fucked up her leg, and now this.

oh my god niklaus, how could i forget about my babygirl. i mean, what can i say i love this guy. i dont know how many times ive relistened to his intro song, but definitely more than i should've... um. there was a lot of big important lore that i don't have the brain capacity to process rn.... i want to say that niki is the nameless prince and/or the thing trapped in the hole in the sea. because he can only interact with one person at a time by inviting them to his pocket dimension (even with jay it was said that the time around her stopped while she was talking with niklaus), implying that niki is trapped somewhere and this is the only constricted way he can interact with the world. and to answer chip's questions he said he wants freedom more than anything, again implying that right now he doesn't have this freedom. which makes sense, right? but then, the big bad thing was supposedly trapped thousands of years ago (i think?), but niklaus was a world famous pirate lord not so long ago and not trapped anywhere, so.....? idk im probably missing something. can't for the life of me find the moment where they read the nameless prince book so like, whatever.

that moment where jay talked to chip about how she thinks its all her fault and she should've just gave up her arm and leg. and how chip reassures her....... them 🥺🤲 kind of inspired by that post abt chip and jay i reblogged earlier, but these two talking about their emotions and feelings is so dear to me. just, being human with each other and opening up. gill is great ofc, but i feel like for these two its much easier to talk to each other to feel understood and heard. i love them.....

chip is still very much dead and probably won't be resurrected any time soon, so... hooray new undead chip design! but also oh my god my poor boy... forever 19... (also charlie and condi being surprised that chip is only 19. yeah </3) my poor guy my poor baby, he sounds so beaten and depressed in the beginning of the episode, its just breaking my heart qwq...

star and zamia <333 hehe

chip trying to marry igneous. lol. darling chill out, you just got out of one unsuccessful marriage and it didn't teach you anything, you're dead, you're only 19, you've known this guy for like, 2 days? don't get me wrong, godspeed to chip, but cmon man take him out to dinner first or something

and uhhh. the end, that's all i got

[natsumebookss]

Well, I feel like I've officially reached this stage in my feelings towards Magia Exedra:

It's not the game's fault, really. If anything, it's the opposite--it's not the game, it's the player. Lately, I see the trailers for the new game and go "that's cool," but in a sort of empty way that goes away after a half hour or so.

I have a confession to make, actually. I'm still on the fence about downloading Magia Exedra, about making that metaphorical contract again in this particular time loop. Let's talk about it.

For a bit of context, MagiReco was not my first gacha game rodeo. That honor belonged to Love Live, which I played pretty much until it died. LLSIF (as it's often abbreviated to) is a game I have extremely complicated feelings about. On the one hand, it's probably the one game I really consider myself to be any good at, the sort of game a streamer would point to and say "that's what people are gonna watch me for." On the other, it kinda fucked up my social life. I can't count all the times I turned down invites in college to tier events.

Tier culture isn't really something MagiReco had (thankfully), but it's basically this idea that if you grind an event enough and make it to the top 5000 in the server during that event, you get a fully buffed version of a special character as a reward, and if you didn't tier quite that much, you get the non-buffed version. From my experience, the unique combination of tier culture and stan culture that Love Live had was extremely toxic. Tiering in an event was a sign of love for your oshi, and if you didn't tier in her event, how big of a fan are you really? Add in the fact that tiering can take hours every day of work for over a week, and yeah, it takes its toll.

I can't remember exactly who said this, but I remember watching a video about Genshin where the person said "if you aren't paying with money in a gacha, you're paying with time." This is why I was extremely hesitant to play MagiReco at first, because LLSIF had eaten up both for me and I didn't want to fall into that loop again. So I compromised with myself to go F2P and give it a shot, and ended up loving it. There was a part of it that felt so free to me, to just be able to play a fun game without all the pressure (as long as I stayed away from Mirrors). The lore was amazing. Everything seemed perfect.

And then, somewhere down the line, I could feel it happening again. Playing MagiReco during the pandemic was one thing, when time wasn't as big of an issue, but I found myself going back to the event grind again, wanting to complete it before my mutuals. Thinking about it at work. Stressing about not having the new unit for my fave yet. This wasn't necessarily the game's fault. It was me.

Gacha games combine two of my biggest weaknesses: my love of collecting and my desire to be part of an "in-group." Like Shizuku, I wanted to belong somewhere, and felt that I had to prove how big a fan I was of something to get that feeling in fandom.

I thought I'd miss MagiReco a lot more over these past few months, but you know what really sealed the deal for me? Thinking that there's a reality out there somewhere where I didn't achieve any of the great things I managed to do this last month because I would've been too busy grinding for more Vampnagi and Darknagi slots. Because having all three Kanagis two-slotted isn't enough, right? You see all those other Kanagi stans with fully slotted Mirrors teams, right? It can't be that hard, right?

If you aren't paying with money, you're paying with time.

I can't say the post-MagiReco months have been perfect for me, but somewhere down the line, I just started feeling pressure towards the game, as if it was something I needed to be "good enough" at. And when that was gone, I realized I had a pretty good thing going without it. I explored other games, worked on my writing, started customizing another doll. Talked with my mutuals and realized they saw me as more than just a MagiReco creator.

Decided that maybe...I wanted to be more than that.

I love MagiReco for the lore, the community, the people it's brought to me. But I also recognize that it brought me back into old habits. I believe that there are people who are able to play gacha games casually without feeling this sort of pressure, but I don't think I'm one of them. Maybe it's the ADHD, maybe it's something else.

Maybe Exedra will be different. Maybe I'll have learned enough about myself to avoid my past mistakes this time. But, knowing that the game will likely come out right when I turn 30 makes me realize...do I want to pay with time again? Or would it be better if I sit back on the sidelines, read the lore, and talk about it on here without ever downloading the game.

To be honest, I still don't know the answer. I don't even know why I'm writing this. I guess I just wanted you all to know why I've been inactive lately. I still love MagiReco, and the whole PMMM franchise, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for the next step. And I think you all deserve to know that.

I'll keep this blog as a PMMM general blog regardless, and let you know what I end up doing. But no matter what, thank you for standing by me.