#it's better than the melody Malone stand alone

[aflawedfashion]

I finally read The Ruby's Curse, a River Song novel by Alex Kingston. It's so chaotic and fun. If you like River and haven't read it, you should.

While loved River from the start of this novel, I wasn't really hooked at first by the excerpts from a Melody Malone novel that River's writing from her cell in Stormcage, but I was pleasantly surprised to see how much River's novel ends up playing into the main plot in ways I couldn't have guessed, and I love how River herself is caught up in a wild adventure she didn't expect. She's definitely not sitting in prison the whole time. Far from it.

I had read the previous Melody Malone story and didn't really love it, so I'm happy this one is so much better.

Also, it's only a small part of the novel, but the moments between Amy and River and the moments when River talks about Amy and Rory are really lovely. She loves her parents.

Bonus: Alex Kingston narrates it if you get the audiobook.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Post Malone - Austin Let's be frank -- there's not much to say about Post Malone's new album, Austin (named for, well, his birth name). That's not to say this album is bad, or that there isn't anything to say at all, but at its core, Austin is a very straightforward pop record. What's interesting, however, is watching and listening to Post Malone's progression throughout his career. He started off as a "rapper" in the mid-2010s with 2016 debut Stoney, and really continued that trend with 2018's Beerbongs & Bentleys, but by 2019's Hollywood's Bleeding, he incorporated more alternative and rock sounds to his overall sound. Twelve Carat Toothache from last year really amplified that, being more of a diverse-sounding album, ultimately being a huge mess and not very interesting, but that's neither here nor there. Post Malone has always been obvious for his love of rock and metal music, but he didn't incorporate those influences into his sound, at least until now, so it's interesting to hear some of that. This isn't a rock album, by any means, but there is a lot of acoustic guitar that's featured on Austin, for better or worse. I've got mixed feelings on Austin, and that's really where my thoughts lie, because this album is 52 minutes with seventeen songs, and it does not need to be that long. This album has way more filler than it has any right to have, and I noticed listening through it again at the time of writing this that the first half of the album is quite strong, ultimately featuring some of his best hooks, but the second half is generic, middling, and uninteresting, minus a few highlights. If you like the lead singles, such as "Chemical" and "Mourning," you'll like a majority of this record, which is breezy and summery 80s-influenced pop with folk-pop undertones, but it's more so a case of when it works, it really works, and when it doesn't, it's really boring and uninspired. If this album were around 11 or 12 songs, and only about 35 to 40 minutes, this would be a fantastic record. Nothing special, per se, but a fun record, nonetheless. As it stands, though, Austin is way too bloated and full of a lot of filler. I wish I liked this more as a whole than I did, and the songs that are good are truly good, but Post Malone needs to learn about editing and scaling back. This album features the problem of having too many songs, let alone not enough to justify its length. I don't usually like really long albums and it's for this reason. You almost have to edit the album, per se, to make your own tracklisting of your favorite songs. That's what I did, and the album is only 36 minutes, which makes for a much shorter and better listen, because you cut through the fat and get to the best parts of it. When the album is on fire, it's truly good. The hooks are very enjoyable, the melodies are sticky, and Post Malone's voice sounds fantastic, but a lot of it is very boring, generic, and uninteresting, because it all sounds lesser versions of stuff already on the record. It's a very different sounding album for him, however, and I have to give him credit for that. Fans might be split on this one, especially if you prefer his first two albums, but if you want a more relaxed and blatantly pop-influenced Post Malone, you'll have a good time with this, just sift through the filler and focus on the best songs.

[wannaberp]

— WHO IS XIANG XIAOLI?

he’s a TWENTY-ONE year old wannabe, born NOVEMBER 16, 2002. he’s currently eyeing STUDIO DELTA and lives by the words “to live each day as it comes.”

maybe you should learn more or ask him a question.

▶ PLAY THE CLIP [ audition_tape.mp4 ]

it felt like déjà vu, being in this position once again. many years had passed since xiaoli found himself sitting at his laptop, watching himself back on the screen before he sent off the tape to the company. his hands were shaking, both now clasped together and tucked between his thighs in futile attempts to both stop the trembling and bring warmth back to them. xiaoli made a concentrated effort to swallow the lump in his throat, leg bouncing rapidly, as one hand lifted to move the computer’s mouse to tap the play button.

he had recorded it more times than he could count by the time he had managed to get through from start to finish. “hello, i am xiang xiaoli. i am twenty-one years old, and i am from beijing, china,” his korean sounded decent at least, it was the first thought that ran through xiaoli’s mind as he struggled to keep himself focused on the tape. “thank you for taking the time to watch this. i am going to be showing my rap skills with a cover of ‘better now; by post malone.” the familiar urge to run away, run far away, from anything related to performing, rapping, singing, dancing, or being an idol crept up inside him with each passing second. xiaoli had been down this road once, and it hadn’t gone well. every fiber of his being screamed at him to leave the screen, but he kept himself planted in his chair, no matter how nauseous he felt. xiaoli and xiaoli alone made the decision to record the video and send it off, he had to watch it through now. 

“you prolly think that you are better now, better now”

as xiaoli watched his eighth (or was it ninth) attempt at the recording, he was shocked to see the way he did the cover. for months now, he’d be so stiff and awkward even when singing along in the car or in his kitchen, let alone allowing himself and his body to move freely and connect with a song. it reminded him of when he first had become a trainee as a young teenager, in the practices, learning but still having  good time nevertheless. young xiaoli loved music and the idea of creating music and sharing it with others who would hopeuflly connect with what he had to say, before it had been stripped form him. he missed the one his head nodded along with the beat, and his body was excited to move along to the melodies.

when the song came to an end, xiaoli saw himself standing there in silence, turning towards the camera with a small, although still visible, smile. “thanks again for watching, bye,” and himself waving as the video cut off from where he edited it to do so. the fear, the anxiety wasn’t melting away like it did it movies or something, it was building inside of him. without much thought he uploaded the video and hit send, not giving his brain to give it much thought. every nerve felt like it was firing on all cylinders as he stared at the thank you message that automated. yeah, now might be the time to be sick.

[biglion2]

WORK IN PROGRESS NO MORE

I did an AI dungeon and thought "Hey that's cute" so I decided to take the ai dungeon, post it here, and fix it, but I have no motivation or time to do that, so I'm gonna give this away. General summary is

Link is soldier. Link like horses. Link go to Ranch. Link meet Malon. Malon like Link and Link like Malon. They sing and play ocarina (unrelated to Saria or Time) . Link get ring because Link like like Malon. Blue Lynel kill one of Malon's cows. Link fights the Blue Lynel. Link kill Blue Lynel. Link propose. Happily ever after.

I post this cause I want this shit out of my drafts. Feel free to take it and make it your own. I really don't care, just give some kind of credit and change it around for the better. Maybe fix it so it's not first person, that's weird. Anyways, here ya go.

Haha AI Dungeon go brrrrrrr

This is Link. Link is a Knight in the kingdom of Hyrule. Link is living the simple life of the Hylian soldier, when a lovely red head peasant known as Malon has caught his eye, and he wishes to meet her. The only problem is that he has no money for a carriage ride, let alone a date with this pretty girl. In fact, you don't even know where she lives!

> You ask someone of where Malon is. "Hey, do you know where Malon is?" A young man with a long ponytail answers. He looks like he's about your age, but his hair is wilder than yours. He says she lives on Lon Lon Ranch, and that you ought to ride there. "Wow, thanks for the info!" You say. You thank the man and ride off to get yourself there as quickly as possible.

> You find Malon milking the cows. You ride up to the barn, smiling. "Hello!" You call. A young girl with a mess of curly red hair and a kind face walks out. It's Malon. She smiles. She says "Hello, what can I do for you?" Her voice is beautiful. "I'm Link. You're pretty." You say, trying to make your voice sound less... manly. She laughs.

> You say "So what do you do? "

"Oh, nothing much. I just milk the cow, fill jugs with milk, and sometimes... I give fresh milk to people." She says.

> You say "Oh, that's an... interesting life you lead"

"It's boring, but it's simple, so I sleep well at night." You nod. "Where are you going to next?" She asks.

> You say "I don't really know. There are no conflicts right now so me and the rest of the soldiers are just around. If you'd like I can come back tommorow. "

"That would be nice." You nod. "Okay then. See ya later." You wave, and walk back home.

> You travel back to Lon Lon Ranch to meet Malon again on the break of dawn. You arrive at the small house you saw Malon enter earlier. A thought strikes you. "It's odd. I've never had my heart taken before. But then again, I've never really had a..." Malon comes out of the small house and greets us again as if nothing happened the day before. "Hello." She says. "Good day." you say in return. "So... what shall we do today?" You have a few suggestions in mind.

> You say "We could have a walk around that horse stable. It's pretty large."

"Yes, I'd like that." You lead the way as you set out to explore the stable. The stable is large, with room for multiple horses to graze and even a small stream with a fountain.

> You say "I'm sorry if I'm prying, but how do you afford this? "

"Oh, you'd be amazed at what people will pay for." You nod. "How come you don't have a husband?" You ask. She laughs.

> You say "Can I ride one of the horses? "

"Of course." She says, leading the way to the stable. You look at the a few of the foals. They're so young! You just want to pick one up and take them home with you.

> You say "Can I ride this horse here? It says it's name is Epona. "

"Oh, of course!" You pick up the small foals tail and jump onto the horse. You hold on to her mane as she stands still for you to get a good grip.

> You say "This horse is strong"

"It is." You stand up in the stirrups and try to spot something in the distance. As you're turning your head, you feel a little bump in the head.

> You brush it off and ride Epona through the horse riding field. Over the period of some hours, you and Malon have been riding back and forth across the same fields. You stop riding for a moment when you notice the sun beginning to come up.

> You say "How long have we been out here?"

"Oh... I think it's almost dawn." She points to the east, which is just beginning to glow a soft pink. "You know, horses are very social animals. They like being with other horses."

> You say "That's nice. Let's get some sleep. I'll come back tommorow. "

"OK..." She nods, then trots over to a small stream. She stops, nudges the water with her nose, and looks up at you expectantly.

> You go back to your home in Castle Town and rest, it's a quaint little home, possibly a little too small, but it works. The next day, you come back to Lon Lon Ranch and continue with your time with Malon from the previous day. "Yes, that would be nice. I have a few of the cattle drivers in my employ."

"OK. What about musicians? Do you need them? Malon says "No, that won't be necessary I think I can manage to sing my way out of any trouble that may arise." She smiles and stares down, thinking.

> You say "Can you sing for me? My best friend had given me an Ocarina a while back, and I always carry it. i can play it with you while you sing. "

"Yes, that would be lovely!" You smile and fiddle with your ocarina. You play a little melody, and Malon looks positively beaming.

> You say "Can you sing for me your song now? " She nods happily and starts to sway her body to the music. As she starts to sing, you close your eyes and become immersed in the music. You really think that nothing could be better than this.

> You start to play your ocarina in harmony with Malon. You and she begin to play the song in perfect unison. Her emotions are clear in her voice, though you are trying hard to keep focused and just play the ocarina. "That was lovely."

> You say "It truly was. Can I teach you a song? It's called the Minuet of Forest. I learned from an old friend, and I want to teach you the song. "

"Yes, please!" You begin to play the song, and you're a little surprised at how quickly she picks it up. She matches your timing note for note.

> You say "You learned very quickly! Now can you teach me your song?" She nods and begins to play. It's not the same melody you heard from her before, but it's still very pretty. She begins to sing, and you close your eyes and focus on the music again. You and Malon play songs and sing and dance and laugh for hours. It seems that the more you do this, the more you have in common.

> You say "I've never felt such joy in such a long time! Thank you Malon. "

"You're welcome." You place your ocarina back in your pouch "I'm exhausted now. I'll come back the next day, if you don't mind."

"I don't" She beams "Thank you for this. This is the best day in too long."

"It's my pleasure." You go back to Castle Town. This time, to the Jewelry Store instead of home. You enter the store, and the jeweler smiles at you. "How are you today?"

"Fine thank you." > You say "How expensive is this silver ring? "

"Well, it's silver..."

"I mean in terms of money." He sighs. "That depends on what you want it for."

> You say "It's for a special someone. How many rupees is it worth? "

"Hmm, that depends."

"On what?"

"Whether you want to buy it for your wife, mother, sister or yourself." Your face grows red.

> You say "Wife." "Oh, then it's only 500 rupees." You're still a bit red. "OK." He takes out the ring and puts it in a little box. "That will be 500 rupees.

> You give the jeweler 500 rupees and leave. You walk out of the store, and you head back home. You travel back to Lon Lon Ranch the next day to meet Malon yet again. You feel really good when you know she's probably waiting for you. When you arrive, Malon is already there. She looks a little sad though. "Oh... you're back." she says.

> You ask "What happened? " She sighs. "Nothing. That's what happened." You frown and she continues.

> You listen to her. "There was a big storm last night, and I lost Miss Minnie, one of my cows.

> You say "I'm sorry to hear about that. "

"There's more. A huge beast came and killed my other cow!"

"That's horrible! How were you able to fight it off?" Malon answers "I couldn't! It left after a while. Now I only have one cow left, so I can't get enough milk to sell. Not only that, but that beast is still out there, probably not that far off." You look out into the distance and can't help but agree. The beast really could be anywhere.

> Link decided. "I'll find it and kill it."

"You will?" she asks in surprise. "Yeah." you say confidently. She squeals and hugs you. "Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart!

You think that it's still nearby, but you can't tell. You never see it, but you're sure it's there.The beast arrives. It has horns the size of a Blue-Maned lynel, hooves as sharp as of a Blue-Maned lynel, a mane the color of a Blue-maned lynel- it's a Blue-Maned Lynel! You try to take a stand, but your sword is deflected by it's powerful spear. The beast charges at you, and you barely manage to escape it's path. > You mount it and attack it from the back. You gallop around it, circling it so you can attack from the back. You go for a backstab, but the creature easily turns around and deflects your blade with it's spear. > You stab the jugular. You drive your sword into the creature's neck and try to stab it, but the creature turns around again and manages to knock your sword out of your hand. You're left unarmed and at the mercy of the beast. The beast readies a fire ball, but you deflect it back at the beast, stunning it long enough for you to get your sword back. It charges at you, but this time you dodge out of the way and run up to it. You plant your sword firmly into it's head while it's still running at you. The beast is killed instantly. You're exhausted, but happy that the beast is dead. > You tell Malon of what you've achieved. You return home with your dead foe, and all the while Malon looks on in shock. "You've done it! You've saved the farm!" she squeals. "I'm so happy!" > You say "I know, but it got me bad, so can I have somewhere to rest please? " "Of course." Malon says. You lay down on the floor and drift off to sleep. You begin to feel a warm, comforting sensation. It feels like you're being hugged, and you feel at peace. The next morning, you go to speak with Malon. She's relieved to see that you're back to your old self. "Thank goodness! I was starting to worry about you, what with the beast attacks and all." "Yeah, well I killed the beast." > You say "Now, I have a question to ask of you. " "Oh?" she responds. You take the ring out of your pouch and ask her the question. "Will you marry me?" Malon doesn't say anything for a moment, then she answers. "I'd be honored to marry you." > You lift Malon up into the air with a great big hug. You lift Malon up into the air, and the pair of you hug for a long time. This is definitely how it should be. The next week, a ceremony is held to celebrate your official marriage. It's a simple event, just you and Malon, the Kakariko villagers, your friends, some of the army soldiers, and of course your new horse, Epona.

But it was good. It really was.

[irish-bella]

River Song Secret Santa for @thespacehairandthespaceidiot Part 2

The end of The Angels Take Manhattan + a missing scene :) 

The Doctor sits on the bottom steps in the TARDIS. River pilots them away from the city, away from the heartache. It’s silent, save for River’s typing on the console. He raises his eyes from the floor and says, “River.” He wants her to look at him, “they were your parents.” She refuses to look away from her task of transporting them away. He folds his hands and looks back at the floor, “Sorry, I didn’t even think.”

River checks something on the scanner, never looking away from the console, “It doesn’t matter.”

The Doctor looks up at her, watching her meticulously type but not quite seeing her, “Of course it matters.”

River stares into the console, taking a moment to collect herself. “What matters is this...Doctor,” she pauses to look at him on the steps, giving him her undivided attention. “Don’t travel alone,” she finally looks into his eyes, pleading.

He looks up at her, finally making eye contact. “Travel with me then.” His words could have been construed as a challenge under different circumstances, but his eyes held too much sadness. He was begging her, he couldn’t be left alone.

The TARDIS whirrs to life. She stares at him, watching his eyes, seeing only a fraction of the man she knows within. She smiles, forcing it to look warm, “Whenever and wherever you want.” The smile he gives warms her soul. She pauses to study him for a minute, “But not all the time.” His face falls and she tries to quip, “One psychopath per TARDIS, don’t you think?” The look he gives her makes her pause; she hasn’t seen him like this in a very long time.

River flips two switches and moves three levers before giving her husband her undivided attention. “Okay, this book I’ve got to write, Melody Malone. I presume I sent it to Amy to get it published?”

“Yes. Yes.”

“I’ll tell her to write an Afterword. For you,” she says as she starts up the stairs. She turns to look at him from the landing above, “Maybe you’ll listen to her.” She spins and continues further into the TARDIS.

He refuses to watch her retreat. Instead, he stares beyond the console and to the doors; until he clicks, “the last page.”

He rushes to the console, typing in new coordinates and rushing out the doors before he’s completely materialized. He grabs the last page and finds a bench. He reads the last page, putting on Amy’s reading glasses. He can’t help the smile that overtakes his face when he thinks about little Amelia Pond, the girl who waited. He thinks about all the adventures they went on, the places they’ve seen, the people they helped.

He heads back into the TARDIS and gives himself a moment to gather his wits before he heads up the stairs to find his wife.

She’s in her favorite kitchen. It reminds me of the show I watched in my childhood, she told him the first time he found her here in this kitchen. It’s neither the closest kitchen to the console room nor the closest to their bedroom, but he knew he’d find her here. She had changed out of her dress, now choosing to wear her “comfy clothes”; out of her dress and heels with her curls down, falling around her face. She looks relaxed, but the Doctor knows it’s an act. A type of armor to protect her from what happened earlier.

The Doctor leans against the doorway, watching her. She carefully measures out the sugar to add to her cup. She’s pointedly ignoring his presence in the room, choosing instead to meticulously make their tea.

She turns with both mugs and moves to the little round table. She places his mug in the chair in front of him while she sits across the table, directly facing him. She raises an eyebrow, staring at him as she waits for him to join her. He pushes off the doorway and moves to sit across from his wife. She has her hands wrapped tightly around her mug, allowing it to warm the parts of herself she hide away after her parents were taken. “Did you find what you were looking for?” she asks offhandedly.

He sees through her facade; he knows her better than anyone. He can tell she’s struggling, she just got her parents back - and they knew everything - and now they’re gone. “Yes,” he says in response to her question.

He looks around the kitchen; he only ever uses this kitchen when he’s with River, everything he knows about this kitchen is because of her. Hell, if he had to guess, the TARDIS has this kitchen specifically for River. The early-1970s set-up reminds her of the few times she snuck away from the Silence (not that she remembered them being there) and would watch The Brady Bunch through the crack in the caretaker’s door. She says those are some of her most carefree childhood moments.

His attention focuses back on his wife. He notices the slightly red rims around her eyes, she’s been crying. She must have attempted to clean her face, to wash away the weakness she thinks she’s showing, if only she knew how strong she truly was; how strong the Doctor wishes she didn’t have to be. He tilts his head as he watches her, “how are you?” he asks after the long pause in conversation. She looks affronted by the question, quickly looking up from her mug to tell him she’s fine. “Don’t,” he says first, “I know you, River. I know that you’re feeling; you’re not someone without feelings. Let’s save this back and forth, we’ve both had a long day. Just,” he pauses, looking down at his hands before looking back into her eyes, pleading “tell me. Please.”

River stares at him, searching his eyes for something he doesn’t quite understand, but he waits, waits for her to finish her assessment. She must find what she’s looking for because she looks back down at the mug in her hands and her shoulders drops, walls crumbling around her. “I don’t know,” she whispers, so quiet that if the Doctor hadn’t been watching her so intently he’s sure he would have missed it. He waits, knowing she has more to say. “I haven’t really processed everything that happened.” She pauses again, losing herself as she stares into her tea.

The Doctor nods, knowing exactly what it feels like to lose someone so close to you.

River pulls herself from her thoughts and looks up from her tea to lock eyes with her husband. She shrugs, trying to play off what she’s feeling, “It shouldn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me,” she lies. “I spent most of my life without my parents - or with parents who didn’t know they were my parents.” The Doctor doesn’t say anything, he just watches her intently. She can feel him staring into her soul; she looks away, back down at her tea, “I don’t know why this is so hard,” she finally whispers.

“River,” he sighs, suddenly feeling like the table separating them was far too big, “you don’t have to be okay. No one is ever okay after something like this.”

She looks up at him, “And how do you cope, Doctor?”

It’s his turn to look away.

They both know the answer to that. He doesn’t. He doesn’t cope. He runs. And he avoids any mention of what happened, he avoids the memories.

She shakes her head, this is pointless. She’s River freaking Song, she doesn’t do this. “It’s not a problem,” she says as she straightens her shoulders and rebuilds her walls around herself and her heart, “I can see them again whenever I want.”

The Doctor looks back at her, his eyebrows drawn together, “Not the ones from today, they won’t know about any of this. They won’t have any of their memories. Is that enough?”

“It is with you. I don’t see why it would be any different with them,” she says simply.

“River,” the Doctor starts.

“Enough, Doctor,” she says standing from her seat. She walks around the table and drops into his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck, twisting his hair around her fingers as she says, “I no longer want to talk about this...or anything,” and she leans in to kiss him, her lips sweet and pliant against his.

He feels himself losing his train of thought and rests his hands on her hips, steadying himself. She slips her tongue into his mouth, drawing out a groan as he grabs her hips tighter. She bites and tugs on his lower lip, dragging him with her as she pulls away. “River,” he whispers as he leans his forehead against hers.

Her chest is heaving, her eyes still closed. She takes another moment to catch her breath before running her hands over his shoulders, smoothing out the top of his jacket. “It has to be enough,” she whispers as she stands from his lap and moves back to her seat across the table. She grabs her diary to her from its spot on the counter, where she placed it upon entering the kitchen. She reaches behind her and plucks a pen from the container on the counter. This kitchen was definitely designed with her in mind. She opens to the first blank page and begins writing. The Doctor sits back in his chair, drinking his tea and watching her write.

He finishes his cup and stands from his seat. His wife notices, she notices everything, but chooses to ignore his movement and continues writing. The Doctor moves about the kitchen, making food for them both. He prepares eggs and toast and when they’re plated, carries them back over to the table. He slides on onto the table next to River and takes his spot across from her once again.

“Thank you, Sweetie,” she says, giving him a small smile before taking a bite of her food. She goes back and forth between writing in her diary and eating the small meal the Doctor prepared. When they’re both finished, he gets up and moves the dishes to the sink, but not before accepting a kiss on his cheek from his wife. He fills the basin with water and begins to wash the dishes he and his wife dirtied.

When he’s done, he dries his hands and then the counter where the water splashed. He places the now clean - and dry - dishes away before hanging the towel and turning back to his wife. She looks up at him and smiles, “Library?” she asks softly, putting her pen down and closing her diary.

He tries not to show how much that word affects him; his feelings are too raw to properly hide what that word makes him feel. The Doctor knows this shouldn’t affect him, whenever they are able to spend extended time together in the TARDIS they usually spend time in the library.

River chooses not to say anything about the weird thing his face does when she asks him to go to the library.

He holds out his hand and pulls her from her seat. She wraps her arms around his waist as he folds his arms around her shoulders, kissing her temple. Arm in arm they walk out of the kitchen and toward the library.

They enter the room and immediately separate, both combing the shelves for the perfect book to read tonight. After perusing the different bookshelves and each finding a book, they’ll gravitate toward their couch, the couch in front of the fireplace.

That’s where River finds her husband, already reading (rereading) Gulliver’s Travels. She settles onto the other end of the couch and lifts her legs until they rest in her husband’s lap. He pauses his reading to raise an eyebrow. She merely smirks and sinks further into the couch, crossing her ankles and opening her book.

“Journey to the Center of the Earth? You do realize how incorrect that is, right?”

“Where’s the fun in facts?” River asks with a smirk. He narrows his eyes at her and she rolls hers in response. She offers a dramatic sigh, “We can’t all time travel and actually go to the center of the earth. Sometimes we just have to settle for someone’s imagination.”

“Would you like to go?” he asks seriously, the joking tone gone from his voice.

River lowers her book to her lap and watches him. “And meet the other Silurians? I think helping them back from Demon’s Run was enough for me. I’d much rather stay above ground while on Earth.”

He studies her, noticing the way the firelight plays across her features. She raises an eyebrow and he smiles, “I thought you liked Madame Vastra?”

“Oh she’s delightful!” River exclaims, “I just do not need to go to the center of the earth to visit.” She pauses and leans forward conspiratorially, “I’ll just stick to this book.”

The Doctor huffs and goes back to reading his book. River wiggles her feet in his lap and raises her own book, content to spend the evening on the couch with her husband.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 3rd March 2019

This is a surprisingly chill week for after the BRIT Awards (which I commented on in real time on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you want to check that out), but there is some movement related to the ceremony so let’s just get through this.

Top 10

We have a new #1 this week, that’s right, for its first week ever, some lame Lewis Capaldi song I heard once called “Someone You Loved” is up two spots to the top spot on the UK Top 40... you can tell the charts are pretty dry right now but honestly I can’t complain that much, it’s less work for me every week. This is obviously Capaldi’s first #1, as he’s a new artist.

“Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man is also up two spots to number-two, thanks to a BRITs performance with Sam Smith and Dua Lipa.

This means that Ariana Grande had a few fallers this week, “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” being first, down a spot to number-three.

I’m surprised “7 rings”, also by Ariana Grande, is only down three spots to number-four.

“Don’t Call Me Up” by Mabel is still steady at number-five.

Sam Smith and Normani’s “Dancing with a Stranger” is also staying still at number-six.

“Options” by NSG featuring Tion Wayne is up two positions to number-seven. That’s cool, it’s a good song, I guess.

“Walk Me Home” by P!nk is our sole new arrival in the top 10, debuting at number-eight this week after its live premiere at the BRITs with Dan from Bastille (Because, sure, why not?) and becoming P!nk’s 43rd Top 40 hit and 21st Top 10 hit. Those numbers are crazy, and she definitely deserves to have won the Outstanding Contribution to British Music Award as well as a place on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, even if for personality alone. We’ll talk more about the song later.

Oh, and “bury a friend” by Billie Eilish down a space to number-nine.

Finally, thanks to the album and BRITs win, “Just You and I” by Tom Walker is up nine spaces to #10. Blech.

Climbers

Thanks to the massive hype behind Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper due to the Oscars performance, the current US #1 has also increased greatly, up 10 spaces to #11 this week and potentially gaining more next week and re-entering the Top 10. Otherwise, “Talk” by Khalid with Disclosure is up seven spaces to #13, “Thotiana” by Blueface rides the meme and remix wave up eight spots to #15 (His first top 20), “i’m so tired...” by LAUV and Troye Sivan has a five-space increase to #17, entering the top 20, becoming LAUV’s first and Troye Sivan’s second top 20 hit in the UK. Thanks to the video, as I predicted, “MIDDLE CHILD” by J. Cole rebounds seven spaces up to #21, with “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi also up six spots to #24.

Fallers

Thanks to streaming cuts (In the UK, after a certain amount of weeks in the top 20 or so its streaming becomes less important to its chart placement), well, it’s safe to assume it’s due to streaming cuts because these were massive, long-running songs, Post Malone’s “Wow.” is down seven to #14, “Play” by Jax Jones and Years & Years is down seven to #22, as is “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings to #25. “Nothing Breaks Like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus also suffers from streaming cuts, down 10 to #27, taking that bloody “Baby Shark” song with it down nine to #34. Otherwise, we have “Please Me” by Cardi B and Bruno Mars down eight to #20 despite a video being released very recently, and “Hello My Love” by Westlife is down eight to #32, yet still not quickly enough.

Dropouts

Since the album hype died down, “needy” by Ariana Grande is out from #11, “Swan Song” by Dua Lipa is out from #32 (Didn’t expect it to last that long anyway) and “Gun Lean” by Russ is out from #33 due to streaming cuts (Hip-hop thrives on streaming). Also, “Psych Out!” by AJ Tracey is out from #34, “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is out from #34, “365” by Zedd and Katy Perry is out from #37 (Oof), “Without Me” by Halsey is finally out from #37 and “a lot” by 21 Savage featuring uncredited vocals from J. Cole is out from #40 thanks to 21 Savage actually being freed, I guess?

Returning Entries

We have more than usual this week. Let’s start with the BRITs returns. First, due to a Calvin Harris mash-up performance featuring Dua Lipa and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, “Promises” with Sam Smith is back at #37. I’d say “One Kiss” can’t enter because three Calvin songs are on the chart, but that’s untrue, so I guess that it just didn’t enter the top 40 – it is outside of it but I’m surprised it’s not up here, especially since it won an award. Also thanks to a performance featuring a guest verse from H.E.R., “Thursday” by Jess Glynne is back at #35. Otherwise, thanks to “needy” leaving, Ariana Grande’s “thank u, next” returns to its rightful place on the chart, at #30, where it should have been last week really, but dumb UK chart rules and all that. “High Hopes” by Panic! at the Disco is back at #39, because, I mean, sure, and “Nights Like This” by Kehlani and Ty Dolla $ign is back at #33. I wonder if he gets any of the royalties while he’s serving 15 years in prison for cocaine possession.

FEATURED SINGLE

“Faucet Failure” – Ski Mask the Slump God

Produced by ChaseTheMoney & Cubeatz - Currently charting at #100 on the Hot 100

Before we get to the new arrivals, let’s talk about a fun, goofy trap song from one of my favourite rappers currently in the game, Ski Mask the Slump God, energetic borderline comedy-rapper from Florida who brags with pop culture references constantly littered throughout. You probably know him since he’s gotten pretty big thanks to the release of his album STOKELEY, with this song in particular recently getting a music video directed by Cole Bennett of Lyrical Lemonade fame, hence it counts for this segment. Now, the trap beat is simple and bassy but the synth is almost hypnotising and I like how producer ChaseTheMoney adds what sounds like bongos and tribal percussion at random yet perfect intervals. Ski Mask often changes his flow, with a charismatic performance reflected by both his verses and ad-libs. In the first verse, he talks about how his girl wants to see his “Purple pickle up in the wind” – no comment, with some clever Thanos-related wordplay before that catchy and hilarious chorus, where he not only mentions Ash from the Pokémon anime but how he’s flyer than an ostrich, and he stands by that, I guess. The second verse is just about him buying fast food, but that fast food he’s ordering throughout builds up to a punchline where he asks where his weed his, because he was supposed to be buying “pies” (Drug lingo) instead of actual McDonalds pies. It’s pretty wacky, pretty cool, although it’s a bit short, check it out, and check out some of STOKELEY, especially “Foot Fungus”, “Nuketown” featuring Juice WRLD and “Reborn to Rebel”.

Remember days, me and X hittin’ licks!

God, I can’t seem to be able to escape this dude even in death, huh?

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Black” – Dave

Produced by Fraser T. Smith

This barely charted but I’m so glad it did. This is the lead single from his upcoming album Psychodrama, and in stark contrast to “Funky Friday” with Fredo, this song focuses more on societal issues black people have had to face as the name implies. This is his seventh UK Top 40 hit, and probably his best yet. It starts with a crispy piano melody with even some nice static added to make the beat feel vintage and interesting (Yeah, it isn’t an overpolished trap beat this time). As Dave starts spitting, the drums kick in and slowly some violins creep in and make this beat really cinematic and beautiful. In the verses, Dave describes what being black is, which is being mistreated, and is having to go through struggles and going the extra mile for not the same results as white people would celebrate.

It’s workin’ twice as hard as the people you know you’re better than / ‘Cause you need to do double what they do so you can level them

Dave delves into some fantastic storytelling during the first verse, using walking a (Most likely white) elderly woman across the road without any thanks as an example of the belief in the lyric above, which also briefly references being told during his life, especially early life as a child due to the white-washed media and his living conditions in comparison to how he perceived the white children at the time in fancier, wealthier statuses, that he is more disposable than white people and cannot reach the same heights due to his race, to the point where he just accepts it, and that despite everything he’s forced to do to prove himself as a minority, he’s proud of its race and his ancestry. In the second verse, he speaks of accepting defeat and how he constantly feels the need to shout out all his friends unfairly imprisoned in jail in songs because he would feel guilty otherwise. He also discusses cultural appropriation and how he believes everyone wants to have the culture but not the colour as this means they would be considered cool, but not targeted with any of the discrimination. He ends the first verse with saying that being black is a sour flavour, but excellently switches it to sweet at the end of the second because he knows that white people will want the “flavour” but not the reality. The production furthers the intensity of his delivery and overall, this is way too good to be charting, but deserves all your love. Dave is one of the best in UK rap right now and this proves it, his album is coming out next week, check it out.

#31 – “Murder on My Mind” – YNW Melly

Produced by SMKEXCLSV - Currently charting at #14 on the Hot 100

Oh, speaking of people stuck in jail, introducing YNW Melly. Melly, or Melvin as I think his personality he decided to have on this song is, is a rapper who blew up thanks to a relatively okay collaboration with Kanye West, but since that song dropped out of the charts, people care more about this one mostly due to its confessional nature because of how he seemingly admitted on Instagram that he killed two of his very close friends (No reason provided), also from the YNW collective, and has turned himself in, although he just plead not guilty. It’s not about that, it’s about someone else he killed, I’m pretty sure, and honestly the descriptive, storytelling nature of the song is really cool, and it goes into some (Suspiciously) grim details that I appreciate because most rappers don’t care about that and just drift off topic while this is constantly focused, although his delivery could be less grating, and the beat is just really a cheap FL Studio piano melody under an overpowered bass, although the effort at making a pretty interesting bridge with the pitched-up female vocal samples are appreciated. You can tell it’s amateur, mostly because of how the final verse sounds like it just had some Audacity reverb effects added to it and the record label never changed it to make it sound more professional before having it on Spotify. For what it is, it’s okay, but I can’t really get into this. I think I like “Mixed Personalities” better, to be honest.

#8 – “Walk Me Home” – P!nk

Produced by Peter Thomas and Kyle Moorman - Currently charting at #54 on the Hot 100

Okay, now we have the big one, and I don’t care. Listen, Alecia Moore is a fantastic vocalist and one of the best singers in pop now, potentially pop history as I know it, and is one of the most successful women in the industry, with a clear personality and rebellious sense of humour that was unique. As she’s matured, she’s kept the singing and songwriting talent, but she’s just turned too bland for me to be interested anymore. This song is okay, but it doesn’t have any of the charm she used to have, and I know that’s bound to happen with age but that still doesn’t excuse this mediocre effort for me. It’s a guitar-lead track with pointless pitched-down vocal samples, way too percussion-heavy mixing and rhyming “good” with “good”. It’s a really upbeat, inspiring, motivational cheer-up track that will be a powerful “Wake up in the morning and get everything done” anthem for middle-aged mothers across the nation, but for me, I can only respect the underwhelming songwriting, in which she uses “Mm-hmms” as filler for an empty backing track, which is something I never thought P!nk would HAVE to do, just something she’d WANT to do, but she has no other option here, this instrumental is so wishy-washy and boring. It sure is listenable, guys. Let’s conclude.

Conclusion

I’d feel bad giving P!nk the Worst of the Week because it’s not a bad song, and I can see talent in YNW Melly as well, so screw it, it’s not going to the industry legend OR the nobody who became famous and immediately got charged for double murder afterwards. It’s not going to anyone. Best of the Week goes to Dave for “Black”, obviously, and see you next week.

[onestowatch]

EBEN Talks Being Transparent on Social Media, What He Looks for in a Girl, and ‘Past Hundred Days’ [Q&A]

As we prepare to look back at 2018, a particular musical memory stands out–the release of rising pop artist EBEN’s sophomore EP Past Hundred Days. More than just a breezy and immaculately polished six-song collection of hip-hop-flavored pop tracks, the sophomore effort marked a notable bout of growth for an artist who seemingly already entered the music world at the top of his game. A shimmering synthesis of EBEN’s past artistic endeavors, a candid reflection of lived experience, and recorded primarily while on tour with Why Don’t We, Past Hundred Days left us only wanting more from the rising pop star. 

So, we did just that. We sat down with EBEN to talk his latest EP, striking a balance between his avid social media following and personal life, and plenty more.

OTW: You recently returned from Asia and dropped your sophomore EP, Past Hundred Days, while you were there. What was it like releasing a project a project in a foreign country for the first time ever? EBEN: It was so cool. I had to judge the time difference though cause I'm like 12 hours ahead. I can’t say, “Oh the project’s out!” Because it wasn’t out in the US, so that was like the first trying to juggle a 12-hour time difference with the release of music, let alone being in Asia. I went to Singapore a couple of years ago. One of my best friends used to live there so I went to visit him, but other than that, I actually got to see a lot of it. It was awesome.

OTW: How has the reaction been to the Past Hundred Days been thus far?

EBEN: It’s been crazy. It’s a lot bigger of a reaction than I expected it would be. It went number two on the pop charts of iTunes and number eight on the overall charts. I couldn’t believe it. It was like, “What the heck is going on? That’s my face; that’s my project like on the charts.” I was never expecting that. It was a dream come true.

What was also cool was that it actually held up there for two days. I wasn’t expecting that. Travis Scott, Post Malone, Ariana Grande, you know they’re all chilling–A list freaking artists. But it stayed up there for two days, like I couldn’t believe it. It was nuts. Then it charted on Billboard too and that was like “What the fuck?” That’s crazy. I couldn’t believe that one. OTW: So let’s talk about some of the central themes on the EP. It’s very much a take on your life–those past 100 days preceding recording the EP. So when you sit down to write songs is it always based on personal experiences?

EBEN: A lot of this EP was written in the moment. “Back To Us,” I wrote and produced that before I went on stage in Ireland. I was just messing around and in the moment, I was just feeling what I was feeling, and it just came to life. I wrote the whole song in 10 minutes. It’s weird how that goes. Sometimes it takes forever to write a song, but sometimes the melodies just come to you. It’s easy and it makes sense. A lot of the EP was like that. The whole project made sense, because it was everything I was feeling in the moment, just like putting it down on music and creating from my emotions. 

It came together really easy, like a lot easier than I thought it was going to come together. Cause when I dropped my FINALLY EP, that was the first body of work I had put together, and in my head, I was like “Oh my god. How can I top this?” 

I’m freaking out because the next project has to be so much better, but once I stopped thinking about that and let things flow, everything just came together. It was perfect.

OTW: Speaking of future projects, are you already working on a new one?

EBEN: Yeah I’m already working on a new project. I’m just trying to drop as much music as I can. I have so many ideas I just want to put out there.

OTW: For Past Hundred Days, when you actually sat down to record it, was most of it done while on tour with Why Don’t We?

EBEN: I used most of my demo vocals on this project. When we got back to the US, it was like okay I have two and a half weeks to mix it, get it finished, mastered and everything. It’s just demo vocals so I’ll need to redo the vocals whatever, went back in, and I didn’t feel it. It had no emotion to it, so I used a lot of my demo vocals for this project, because there was so much feeling in it. The whole process of it coming together was super unique, because I recorded in Paris when we had four days off. “That’s Alright” was recorded in my hotel room in Paris. “Back To Us” in Ireland. 

Half the project was recorded overseas, and that’s something I will always, even when I’m older, “Oh you know Past Hundred Days is a project I recorded all over the world.” It’s just a cool thought to have.

OTW: What was one of your favorite places you visited and your favorite memory from there?

EBEN: Man, Paris was unreal because we had four days off, and we got to go and explore. Like I rode a bike everywhere. I went to the Louvre, got to see as many sights as I could. Paris was amazing. I’ll always remember it. Half the buildings there are older than the US, like half of them were built in 1700 and anywhere you go, you just walk in the bar, and it’s modern on the inside but the building was built in 1730. History is all around you.

OTW: You have a pretty big social media following. Do you ever find it hard to strike a balance between social media and your own personal life?

EBEN: I definitely try to keep stuff separate to some extent, I still want to have my own personal life outside being online and on social media. 

But I feel like I’m pretty transparent that who I’m on social media is who I am in person. I’m not a totally different person off the camera. 

OTW: Between FINALLY and Past Hundred Days, what do you think is the most important thing you learned about yourself as an artist?

EBEN: To not let the outside influence your decision making and what you actually want to do. It is learning how to say no, because I’m a “yes” man. I want to make as many people happy as I can, but doing that comes with so much stress and so much weight on your shoulders, because you are trying to please the world but it’s not realistic. So, I definitely learned to worry about myself a little bit more and not take on others people problems but focus on my issues that I need to work on.

OTW: If you could say one thing directly to all your fans, what will it be?

EBEN:: Thank You! I wouldn't be sitting here if it wasn't for them. They are so unbelievably supportive. It blows my mind. The fact that they got both EPs that are out to chart is mind-blowing. It is crazy. 

They’ve giving me the best year of my life, and I know they will give many more amazing years to come.

OTW: You have a lot of female fans, so just as a service, what is the one thing EBEN looks for in a girl?

EBEN: One thing EBEN looks for in a girl?! Man. definitely someone who can take care of themselves and knows what they want, and knows what they want to do in their life. It is frustrating to feel like you have to take care of someone in that respect. I don't want to take care and figure your problems out. I figured mine out. You gotta be able to do that as an adult. 

Definitely someone who knows what they want to do and are confident in themselves.

OTW: Who are your Ones To Watch? 

EBEN: Matt DiMona. He needs to release new music. 

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 20th January 2019

So, uh, I‘ve been listening to a lot of Aminé recently.

FEATURED SINGLE #2 – “BLACKJACK” – Aminé

This is our second Featured Single, and I’ve decided this will be before the chart so feel free to skip this if you don’t want something beyond the charts to check out. This recently got a hilarious video, with ridiculous attention-to-detail and impressive... “choreography”. That counts as a single for me, and God, do I love this one. There’s this maddening melody that immediately gets pounded by an intense bass thud, with Aminé rapping monotonously initially, but gradually getting as excited as his ad-libs, with his quick flow accentuating both his loveable voice cracks and some of the funniest lyrics I’ve heard from the guy, including those four lines in the second verse, which he spends just praising and appreciating Jack Black?

Rockin’ and rollin’ like Jack Black / Schoolin’ you n****s like Jack Black (Yeah!) / How could you not like Jack Black? (How?) / I put that on my momma, n****, no cap

That second verse is great, by the way, there’s something so charismatic and enthusiastic about Aminé’s pointlessly specific pop culture references that can either breeze by so you don’t notice them or, as shown above, essentially be a rake joke.

Said she wants a spot on my list (Please) / I told her, “Go pray to your God” (I need to go to Church)

Yeah, that last part’s an ad-lib – more people should be doing back-and-forth exchanges in their ad-libs, 21 Savage’s done it in “10 Freaky Girls” and so has, uh... Cal Chuchesta? Anyway, this is literally a minute and 57 seconds long, so it doesn’t waste your time. Check it out if you like stuff by KYLE or enjoyed Aminé’s one hit, “Caroline”, although this isn’t really in the same range.

Top 10

Pretty busy week, let’s get into it quickly, because there’s not a lot to care about. “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max is still at the top spot and has been for about five or six weeks now. “7 rings” by Ariana Grande’ll take this spot next week, although we do have competition.

These next three songs are the competition, including “Nothing Breaks like a Heart” by Mark Ronson and Miley Cyrus up one spot to the runner-up space, number-two.

Post Malone’s “Wow.” is also up one spot to number-three – good for it, this is a great song and I’d love it to hit #1.

Now, our first top 10 debut this week, “Dancing with a Stranger” by Sam Smith and Normani, arriving at number-four. This is Smith’s 17th Top 40 hit in the UK, and his 11th Top 10, whilst this is Normani’s second Top 40 hit and first Top 10 hit, so congratulations, I suppose, even though this isn’t including Fifth Harmony, who were hitmakers in their own right. We’ll talk more about this later.

“Sunflower” by Post Malone and Swae Lee from Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse isn’t moving at number-five.

Collapsing down five spots to number-six is “thank u, next” by Ariana Grande.

Our second top 10 single that debuted in this spot is “Giant”, by Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, at number-seven. This is Harris’ 34th or 35th Top 40 hit and 24th Top 10, and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s 3rd Top 40 hit and 2nd Top 10 hit after his smash “Human”. We’ll talk more about this one later as well.

“Play” by Jax Jones featuring Years & Years is up three places to number-eight, becoming Jones’ 4th Top 10 hit and Years & Years’ 5th.

Once again, we have a debut in the top 10, this time at number-nine, as Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd collaborate once again for “Lost in the Fire”. This is Abel’s 17th Top 40 hit and 7th Top 10, while it’s Gesaffelstein’s first charting song as a credited solo artist ever, so congratulations. We’ll talk about this one more a bit later.

Finally, “Without Me” by Halsey is at #10, and it hasn’t moved from last week.

Climbers

We have two UK hip-hop songs gaining pretty highly here, one being pretty good - “Options” by NSG featuring Tion Wayne, up 11 spots to #14 – and the other being awful – “Gun Lean” by Russ splash is up five spaces to #34, but that’s it.

Fallers

These are a different story, however. “18HUNNA” by Headie One and Dave is down five to #11, “Rewrite the Stars” by James Arthur and Anne-Marie is down eight to #15, “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings is down seven to #16, “Ruin My Life” by Zara Larsson is down five to #17, “ZEZE” by Kodak Black featuring Travis Scott and Offset is down six to #19, “Undecided” by Chris Brown is down six to #21, as is “Shotgun” by George Ezra to #22, and “Baby” by Clean Bandit, Marina and Luis Fonsi to #23, with the space of #24 being taken by “Thursday” by Jess Glynne, down five spaces since last week... but that’s not all. “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper is down six to #27, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is down eight to #31, “imagine” by Ariana Grande is down 13 to #33, “A Million Dreams” by P!nk is down 11 to #35, “Eastside” by benny blanco, Halsey and Khalid is down eight to #39 and finally “Woman Like Me” by Little Mix featuring Nicki Minaj is down 12 to #40.

Dropouts

“Let You Love Me” by Rita Ora is out from #28, “SICKO MODE” by Travis Scott featuring Drake and Swae Lee is out from #36, “2002” by Anne-Marie is out from #37, “KIKA” by 6ix9ine featuring Tory Lanez is out from #32, “Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille is out from #35, “I’ll be There” by Jess Glynne is out from #40, “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi is out from #33 and “The Greatest Show” by Hugh Jackman, Keala Settle, Zac Efron, Zendaya and the Greatest Showman Ensemble is out from #38. That’s all, and there’s no returning entries, so let’s get straight to the main attraction.

NEW ARRIVALS

Yup, there’s eight of them. Let’s just blast through them as quickly as possible.

#38 – “Saturday Nights” – Khalid

Khalid is a great singer, and I’ve liked a lot of what he’s put out, but a full project from him would put me to sleep, hence I didn’t check out his EP he released last October titled Suncity. Thankfully, thanks to a remix with... Kane Brown of all people, it’s here for us to review, and as Khalid’s ninth top 40 hit, I can’t say it really stands up to his others. I think the guitar strumming has gotten a little too cliché in chill-pop, and I think Khalid was above following trends to a T, but he doesn’t really add anything except his sultry voice to what is essentially anyone’s instrumental, with off-kilter trap percussion and deep 808s, high-pitched vocal samples and again, that damn guitar. For some reason that guitar infuriates me so much, maybe it’s just because it’s so slick and runs through the entire song? This is entirely too polished and aggravatingly boring in that respect. Yeah, this is Khalid’s worst one yet. It’s exhaustingly overproduced, and not even his voice can save it.

#36 – “Leave Me Alone” – Flipp Dinero

...Is this post-trap?

Okay, so Flipp Dinero has been on the rise, and this is his first top 40 hit in the UK... and I honestly love it. We have this cutesy piano lead that’s so twinky it almost forgives the awfully cliché lyricism. In fact, everything here forgives that. Flipp Dinero’s raspy voice is a great contrast, and the trap beat here actually works because of how he flows over this, as it barely keeps up with him to the point that it has to add the producer tag and the “oh!” used in songs such as Nelly’s “Dilemma” and Travis Scott’s “3500” just to remind us it’s there. Flipp Dinero is freaking fantastic on this, and every “yuh” ad-lib is like an injection of happiness. There’s that flute you don’t even realise until Flipp stops (and no, he doesn’t do this often at all), and I haven’t even got into the hook. Not only is it insanely catchy, but it’s hilarious as Flipp sprays his heart out, with so much passion put into being mildly inconvenienced by a woman who wants to spend some time with him after they broke up. This is beautiful, and that’s not even sarcastic. This won’t be to everyone’s taste, but to me, this is so much fun. Better than the Michael Jackson song, though? Don’t even attempt the comparison.

#29 – “Someone You Loved” – Lewis Capaldi

God, this guy’s boring, and he doesn’t understand how music works. See, the vocals on the song are supposed to make sense relative to the instrumental, and if they don’t, there has to be justification or purposeful juxtaposition (see: “Leave Me Alone”). On “Grace”, he sounded out of place, and on his 2nd Top 40 hit, he sounds bored over a repetitive, droning piano melody. Lewis Capaldi strains his voice to James Arthur levels of undeserved intensity, and while Capaldi is definitely a better singer than Arthur, he’s just as lacking in any compelling content, delivery or personality. Does anyone actually care about Lewis Capaldi and what he has to say? No. No one does, because he’s Lewis Capaldi. We only found out we existed in England, and we’ve quite literally made his songs interchangeable, as his last hit dropped out this week. God, this guy is a bore in three minutes and two seconds. Leave me alone.

#25 – “Longshot” – Catfish and the Bottlemen

If I was still an indie/alternative rock-head like I used to be, I would be able to tell you all about Catfish and the Bottlemen because from what I heard, they were pretty damn good, actually. I’ve liked “7” and I heard their first album, it was okay, but I always knew there was a lack of a real hook to the band, that could blow them up, and I assume they’ve just found it, because this is their first top 40 hit in the UK, and, yeah, it’s pretty good. I like the intense build-up of that one guitar pluck until it just drops into a light pop-rock instrumental with enough power and distortion on the guitars and vocals to make it unique. There’s this ticking sound in the chorus that annoys me, but otherwise, it’s definitely a nice, catchy sing-a-long hook. Whilst I’ve never been all too fond on Van McCann’s somewhat nasal voice, I definitely think it works in the context of these poppier bangers, and like he says in the chorus, the little things do make me smile, as this instrumental is very intricately-layered without being cluttered. I love the passion in McCann’s “woo!” followed by a couple guitar strokes, I just think that’s a great moment you couldn’t exactly replicate with non-live instruments, as that chemistry between vocalist and band is important. This song overall? Yeah, I’m definitely getting back into these guys because this was fantastic. I love the mic feedback at the end and I’m actually really intrigued to what that leads up to on the album.

#13 – “Hello My Love” – Westlife

Why was this performed on the National Television Awards? Guys, you’re Westlife, you’re a music group. Talking about outrageous trivia, can you believe this, Westlife’s 28th Top 40 hit is literally just three minutes of nothing? It’s insane how popular these guys are yet they can get away with stuff like this when they reform for their first song in nearly a decade.

#9 – “Lost in the Fire” – Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd

The lyrical content on this one sucks. This is “Lost in the Fire”, and there are a few lines that are just really creepy, if anything, and really play up Bella Hadid’s sexuality for what seems like cheap views, because there’s really nothing else these dudes haven’t done that doesn’t sound exactly like this. They didn’t even make cover art, that’s how lazy these guys are. The groove’s semi-decent, I suppose, but there’s little to no build up and I feel like it really doesn’t have much of interest to talk about, which shouldn’t be true for a Weeknd song. The personality of Abel is obvious in other songs and albums, and his portrayal of this character is what makes him so intriguing. So where is he here? Is a Drake diss what the Weeknd would do, or what Abel would do? Now that is the question. Oh, yeah, and the synths here don’t exist. This song is boring as hell.

#7 – “Giant” – Calvin Harris and Rag ‘n’ Bone Man

Now, I like Rag ‘n’ Bone Man. Like Ed Sheeran, although I don’t like all – actually, a lot – of his music doesn’t mean I don’t like how genuine he is. He’s a normal, average guy who’s been releasing EPs, found a label and had the break-out hit written for him, so now he’s famous. There’s no nepotism, no cheap industry plant tactics, just pure talent getting him this far, and I respect that. So this sucks so much, like, wow, Rag ‘n’ Bone Man goes way too hard on this basic, lightweight synth-funk-inflected deep house beat. The trumpet drop is so pathetic it would make J Balvin and OMI laugh Harris off as an amateur. That shouldn’t be happening for someone 15 years and nearly 15 #1s into their career. I won’t be too mean on Rag ‘n’ Bone Man, though, he did his best, and he probably didn’t even hear the beat prior. What’s with the chanting at the end, though? That’s just odd.

#4 – “Dancing with a Stranger” – Sam Smith and Normani

So, some finger-snaps, Sam Smith humming seductively, and then that house beat kicks in and we get to pleasure our ears with a nice Sam Smith house track, because we totally need more of his entirely unfitting voice over slick, incredibly well-produced beats. Normani sounds absolutely amazing, and that subtle guitar in this beat is a nice touch, so nice it may just be essential to actually try and enjoy this song, because it’s not like these guys have chemistry (I mean, apart from the obvious reasons they wouldn’t have chemistry, guys, at least pretend this could happen).I guess this is okay, but its existence just tires me. Who wanted another one of these, really?

Conclusion

Since “Blackjack” is not applicable, we have eight to choose from (wow), and Best of the Week should be obvious, as it’s going to Flipp Dinero for “Leave Me Alone”. Yup, that’s right, that song’s a banger and a half. Catfish and the Bottlemen were damn close though, so they do get the Honourable Mention for “Longshot”. Worst of the Week goes to Gesaffelstein and the Weeknd for “Lost in the Fire”. Man, that just reeks of wasted potential. Dishonourable Mention? It could be a toss-up between any one of these guys. Pick your poison. Choose your fighter. See ya!