#it's been 20+ episodes and i feel insane and delusional

[apfelhalm]

idc if the majority of the fandom says otherwise but Riker wants to fuck that old man

[innocencelives]

continuing retrospectives: whats new, and what has always been —infinite reflections on the truth

past few months have been hard, the episode is ongoing bc insurance and doctors have failed at getting me on a new med. a month ago i finally got prescribed a new one and im still trying to figure out how to get my insurance to pay for it, they have arbitrary rules abt what meds to take with other meds.

the episode is…all over the place. the depression is obviously the most excruciating, silent and unknowingly creeping its way through my veins until its all ive known and all i ever will know-until it ends, also silent, also unknowingly. the anxiety: paranoia more like, intense paralyzing social fear that defies all logic and lapses into absurdity but never stretches into psychosis or delusion. never. terrible, painful bodily fear that everything i do is wrong and everyone knows it. im eating nachos wrong, im walking wrong, my hair, my sweater, my face, im moving my hands wrong, there all thinking it, your friends think it, the stranger across the street he thinks it. everytime i ask my friends “wtf are u talking abt we love you your acting the same as always!” (hands shaking as i throw the nachos away bc im spilling all over myself and consider it too hard to continue).

the sleep, oh my god the sleep. i dont think there is a human on earth with a sleep schedule as erratic and random and life-ruining as mine. slept 20 hours a day for 4 days, then i couldnt sleep an hour a day for a few days. slept all day-up all night, slept in two 6 hour shifts, cant fall asleep, cant wake up, cant stay asleep, cant stay awake, cant be remotely normal. the fatigue, and the brain fog is worse than losing a limb. i know i know that sounds mad, its how i feel. the sleep doctor i see every 3 few months for 20 minutes who reccomends me a podcast: “i just dont buy it….i dont buy it”. okay. i mean…gaslighting??? medical gaslighting?? so your telling me, a person with 3rd degree burns, to put a band aid on it shutup and dont be delusional? get in line dude. ive seen worse than you.

and the trauma…oh the trauma. the undercurrent of my broken life till 16 yrs old, then the drowning, all consuming, omnipresent anvil for the next 10 yrs. how, how do you expect me to disentangle the symptoms of life altering complex trauma from the symptoms of various or perhaps a few life altering physical ailments? they both overlap constantly. and both, hilariously, remain undiagnosed.

yep you read that right, the person whos been on meds since 14 yrs old, experienced incestuous rape, unrelenting brain fog and fatigue, foot pain since a child that immobilizes me everyday, various experiences w excruciating stomach pain, low back pain, upper back/neck pain, i was diagnosed w adhd and tic disorder officially, they threw severe sleep apnea and a couple sleep disorders on top recently, what am i missing. oh yea my lazy eye is so terrible i close one eye to see most of the day. a lot of those remain mysteries, or undiagnosed.

my psych tried to put it one way: my mental health symptoms are a little bit of this and a little bit of that, i have bits and pieces of different things. maybe i have complex trauma and a specific rare insane gene disorder, or a few chronic conditions, or a PD and complex trauma, or complex trauma and schizotypal and avpd and lyme disease or complex trauma and fibro and bpd and a piece of my brain missing, who knows man. one things true: (not according to my family) i have complex trauma. and that can have far reaching physical implications.

ive been talking to the psych and my social worker friends abt perhaps flying to the mayo clinic or something similar. a bunch of appointments in a week or two w tons of specialists and tests with an integrated approach to get (as they call it) “the right answer, the first time”. or essentially some diagnosis/es

. . .

a horrible, liberating truth. there is no going back, there is no closing pandoras box. once i knew, i couldnt unknow.

how can i be believed enough to dispell the internalized disbelief,

validated enough to erase the gaslighting,

tell enough people my perverted past to erase the feelings of secrecy,

have enough chosen family to forget every relative,

recieve every ounce of love and care for the infinite time i spent denied of it,

jack off enough times to gross porn until i understand the abuse,

cry enough tears till im empty, empty enough blood till im dry,

fall through enough rocks till i hit the bottom,

when will it ever be enough.

im so tired of it, im so sick of it. im done with it. you can have it back. 16 year old jamie, seduced by the feelings of freedom and truth, put it back, dont read it, dont look too hard, dont think about it too much, do not pull that string it will all unravel i promise you.

im a barren husk of a boy. a shell of who i once thought i was. a paralyzed, broken, catatonic, defective 26 yr old failure who peeked at the man behind the curtain and saw something they could not unsee. i could have never in my wildest fears predicted a life quite as chaotic as this one. it feels like a curse, that i’ll never know a life without a childhood like mine.

its like a poisonous music to my ears, hypnotic and sweet while it tears me apart, hearing just what it truly was. i feel a bit more free, a bit more whole everytime i tell someone. everytime i use the dirty words, incest, sex abuse, sexual violence, molestation blech blech blech gross yuck. nasty. but the disgust, the shock, the genuine look of horror on anyones face as they react to those words is like a hug!-they know. they feel that way to. it was that bad. it did happen. the mere thought of it to a stranger is enough to ruin the vibe. ohhhhhhh if you only knew, if you only knew.

scream it from the roof tops, tattoo it on me, put it right under jamie on my hello my name is sticker, put it in the first sentence of my biography and the first sentence of my obituary. as long as they know my name they will know my truth. my horrible, liberating, truth.

[everyonewooeverywhere]

pookie I dunno anything about riize but I'd love for you to show me their pictures and ramble about your fave <3

hehehe ok~~~

this should go w/o saying, but i am ot7 all the way. so you know...fuck sm actually

anyway~

this shit is kinda long...sorry not sorry

picking a fave is really really hard for me soooo...i'm just gonna talk about all of them if ya don't mind 😀 (i am wonbin & anton biased though...i think)

so, talent-wise, i've been a pretty big fan of shotaro for a while. he is such a phenomenal dancer. like his rhythm and body control is fucking insane.

here are some must watches of him dancing : 1 | 2 | 3

other than his talent, i love listening to him talk 🫠 he's pretty soft-spoken and his little giggle? 😔 i love him

eunseok is a cheeky bitch, and i love him for it. he gives the energy that he would relentlessly make fun of his partner. it's like his love language.

also his cheekbones??? higher that god fr

i've always wanted to just pat sungchan on the head. like *pat pat* you know? granted dude is tall as fuck so he'd have to crouch down so i could give him a good pat, but i feel like he'd be willing.

i also randomly think about his verse in "90's love" like once a month ✌️

one thing i love about wonbin is that he will always serve cunt. genuinely, the face card goes so fucking hard i cannot.

personally, this little "mysterious pretty boy" persona sm has got him doing cracks me up because boo just wants to be silly 24/7. and he is. go watch a couple episodes of "we riize" and i promise you will understand.

SPEAKING OF FACE CARDS. good god 🫠

genuinely fuck sm for depriving us of seunghan. this man is actually so stunning that i can't breathe.

other than just a pretty face though i could genuinely fall asleep to the sound of him just talking. his deep raspy voice is the kinda shit that actually makes me melt.

also is just a silly guy. baby come home i miss you 🥺

sohee gives major toddler energy. like not in the sense that he's immature, but he is like riize's child. they love him. i love him. we all love him.

i honestly do feel like in another universe him and i would be great friends though. idk he just gives me that vibe.

fun fact about me....the closer an idol i like gets to my age the more delusional i get because like, would i go for a 25+ yo man rn?? fuck no. but someone less than a year older than me?? of course 😌 (i have a whole "subunit" of idols that fit into this don't worry. ask me about sometime i'd love to spill)

anyway, that rant aside, i fucking love anton (for many more reasons than us being close in age 💀). he is genuinely so fucking hilarious (source: riize tiktok captions). i'm in love with his energy. we would definitely vibe well together i can just tell.

he's also so college!bf coded (ofc he is he's literally 20 💀). BUT i'm currently hunting my campus for my anton lee dupe.

[shreya11111]

post volume 2 byler hope

i know volume 2 has left us feeling very pessimistic and hopeless for the possibility of byler. yet, i do still think there is reason to hope and so i have compiled a list of amazing posts that have definitely increased my faith in s5 byler.

(here is a small disclaimer that even though byler just makes sense to us narratively and overall, there is still a chance that the duffers won’t go through with it. if you choose to have hope regardless, that’s great! but pessimism is absolutely valid too. cautious optimism is definitely recommended)

on tumblr:

1) Ok This may be something that can give us bylers a little more hope. by @beepboop358

3) Five act structure: reason to hope by @reservoir-god

4) Will’s First Lie & First I Love You by @aurorabyler

5) Listen, I know that feelings are mixed in this tag right now but hear me out. by @admirablespoling

6) wanted to put this on here bc it perfectly summarizes my thoughts 🙃 by @lesbos4robin (and cr to @/causeineedu on tiktok)

7) i guess the thing giving me the most hope right now by @queerstshit

8) Mike’s monologue sorta feels like a (weird) Wikipedia article (also check comments) by @wakeupthemembersofbylernation

9) insanely steaming hot take but the Will / El / Mike arc was kinda insanely well done by @mssingrls

10) it’s so insane to me how mike just hasn’t been able to tear his eyes away from will the entire season by @heliumcake

11) I just actually watched season four all the way through and byler is 100% gonna happen it’s so obvious. by @tinyteenieworld

12) This scene reminded me a lot of the beginning of s3, when Mike is goofing around by singing in the middle of kissing by @howtobecomeadragon

13) Piggybacking off of and inspired by this rad post by @admirablespoling. by @tsugarubecker

14) there really is no point to byler if it's unrequited. by @11byers

15) The m!leven flowers are rottin— by @dancing-in-our-snow-globe and @beepboop358

16) It would appear I am indeed one of the very few optimistic (delusional?) Bylers left. by @chirpsythismorning

17) a part of me feels like it's possible that the end of episode 9 was preparing the general audience for Eleven going off on her own, and a Byler ship by @merthurfan-blog

18) my analysis of mike’s “feelings” for el and what leads to the monologue/his feelings behind it by @strangerfigs

19) Here’s a handful of cautious optimism as a treat, my brothers in byler by @hopfields

20) Mike's S4 jacket (and who his heart is really pointing to) by @mlchaelwheeler

21) St@ncy’s revival is like one of the biggest byler proofs in V2. by @neverforever09

22) michael’s airport outfit by @prfctmxxnlight

23) analyzing ST S4/Byler from someone with a film degree. by @swift-fated and credit to @/joannimal on twitter

24) Somebody on twitter noticed how the scene at the roller rink… (parallel to Little Women) by @justmeandmyships

25) Do you find it possible that Byler will definitely happen in season 5 and if so why by @upside-down-byers

26) volume 2 & instant vs delayed gratification by @chartreuse-goose

27) Whenever you doubt Byler, remember that… (a little reminder of all the things pointing towards byler as endgame) by @byernation

28) i just rewatched “the piggyback” and oh. OH. !!!!!!! by @hawkinsp0st

29) i can’t get over “we’re friends. we’re friends.” and “are ‘friends’ electric?” on mikes official Spotify playlist by @strangerfigs

30) “False Confessions” & “Piggybacking” in ST4: Ask Yourself if We Are Being Encouraged to Pick Apart the Inconsistencies... by @bluemeetyellow

31) Byler is going to be Canon and Here’s Why: by @allnaturalapplejuice

on other social media:

1) this beautiful twitter thread on ‘stranger things and the art of slow burn’ by @/hawkinshermit on twitter

2) any and all videos by @/causeineedu on tiktok. this one is one of my personal favs.

3) all the videos by @/naturallybrielle on tiktok

4) the analysis videos of @/girlskth on tiktok. she made a really cool discovery here and here.

5) this post on the use of little women parallels in the show by @/sbyleril on twitter (check comments! there’s a really good video with the parallels too)

6) this perfect harry potter chamber of secrets/byler parallel by @/folklorent on twitter

7) this twitter thread on the parallels between the romances in little women in stranger things by @/rosiec4ke on twitter

i will definitely be adding more posts to this list if i come across any. thank you to all the bloggers for giving me permission to include their posts! i really appreciate it. i also really hope this helped restore your hope in s5 byler, even if just a little bit :)

[psychicbergara]

Ok but wtf with this episode??? It was so good??

My list of favorite "things said" in this episode (spoilers, ofc)

1. Ryan: "I've thought about it every night before I go to sleep" (I know it was said as a joke, but still)

2. Ryan: "How many times did I pop quiz you before this standup?" (goofs <3)

3. [to Snoopy] "Oh, it's so good to see you!" (PURE JOY IN THEIR VOICES!!!)

4. Both: "I mean" (another one to the list of ryan and shane living in sync)

5. Both: "I looove the faaarm"

6. [Shane whips his handkerchief] Ryan: "Oh my gOd"

7. Ryan: "We're off to a good start here" (His voice :'))

8. They sped up Ryan's history lesson again 🙃

9. Ryan: "You guys want some nachos? This is my gift to you. Enjoy." (can you imagine existing and then Ryan Bergara) (I hope they knew who he was)

10. Close up of the egyptian necklace ❤️

11. Ryan: "Swallow, man"

12. Ryan: "You're gonna have to pull it together, okay?" (🥺)

13. Ryan: "We got a C.D. alert, C.D. alert, set it off. Why is no one excited? Could they not hear the alarm or is that just in my head?" (why is he so 💞💞)

14. Shane: "I've seen you high outta your mind eating a corn dog" (the mental picture of that is not clean at all)

15. Ryan: "One time, Shane and I went to Disneyland. I don't know what that is 👁️👁️" (FDKDJSKJ)

16. THE FACE OF THE MAN PASSING BEHIND THEM WHEN THEY SCREAM "It's Boysenberry mustard!" I CAN'T-

17. "Senf" makes a comeback!!

18. 201 walters, sync again

19. Ryan: "We've been on the same page recently" Shane: "Yeah, that's weird" (guys, you have been for most of your lives, did you just realize?)

20. Shane: "The mousse is all berry, baby"

21. Shane: "657 walters out of ten" [Ryan laughs] 😂

22. Shane: "I'm gonna give this a six... thousand" [Ryan laughs] "one hundred and fourty two"

23. Ryan: "It's time for the portion of the show that we call Ryan's rides. That's where we ride what Ryan wants to ride" (dead)

24. Ryan: "So I'm gonna get on by myself (btw, Ryan looks so good in that scene) and Brittney's gonna play Shane" [focuses on Shane's geumpy face]

25. Brittney: "Eat more food" (thank you 🙏)

26. Ryan: "I'm just curious what the human body is capable of" [Ryan looking into the distance with big eyes] (psycho Ryan au?)

27. Ryan: "Iced cream?" (they really were both loopy)

28. [looking at the Boysenberry Float] Shane: "How do we even do this? Do we sip it?" Ryan: "That's typically what I do with drinks" (I missed his sarcasm)

29. Both: "Euh eh, zammo" (i don't know why, but I found this part so funny)

30. Ryan: "I'm gonna go with two... hundred" (he looks really good, again)

31. Ryan: "The other day I was actually thinking that I really missed my childhood dog. Now I could go play fetch with my dog after this" (Ryan pls JDJKDH)

32. Shane: "Okay, we've got this large piece of meat up top" [Ryan starts laughing hard] "Oh, that's nice. I like the feel of that" [Ryan laughs harder] (what was going on in that mind of his, Ryan, we see you)

33. Ryan keeps laughing, that's a good sound 😌

34. Shane: "And then I would've eaten the milkshake and I would've passed away" [Ryan laughs hysterically]

35. Ryan already said this, but it's funny how the big spoon looks normal in Shane's hand, but then you look at Ryan's hand and boom, it's gigantic

36. Cookie ASMR

37. "Ryan Bergara, a noble death by berry" (DEAD AGAIN)

38. [pat pat pat]

39. ✨❤️HEART EYES❤️✨

40. Boysen buddies for life 🙏

41. Shane, why did you lick the spoon right after-

And of course, all the laughs 👏🏻

Makes it to my top 3 youtube videos of all times

anon i literally have nothing to add here you got it all in one ALSDKJF thank you for writing out this list of wonderful moments from this ep LIKE the fact that you could probably make it to 50 if you break up some of these moments makes me insane it was SUCH a good ep buh

also number 41 LITERALLY SHANE WHY DID YOU LICK IT RIGHT AFTER TAPPING RYANS SPOON its like you wanna kiss him or something (insane delusional etc etc)

[jamaiskookie]

i would like more soundcloud rapper yoongi x idol y/n please it’s so cute

v-live alert! -myg

pairing: idol! y/n x soundcloud rapper! yoongi

wc; 2.9k

a/n: lots of you asked, and so you shall receive. ps, i wrote this really rushed but i kinda love it. lmk what you think, love you guys <3

[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE! 

the v-live notification. or, more accurately, the sound of war. alternatively, you dance around your studio on a livestream and yoongi has a mental breakdown. 

masterlist  PREV

“i miss you too!“ you say, replying to one of the first comments that pop up on the live.

you probably should’ve showered before going live... and you probably should’ve changed out of sweats. 

whatever.

it’s not like your fans haven’t seen this before.

half of your pre-debut pictures are just downright disgusting. 

the number of viewers on the top of your phone begins to climb up to the thousands, increasing every half a second. 

it always amazes you how many people show up to your lives. sometimes you wonder if your fans genuinely have nothing better to do. how do they always show up so fast?

the comments begin to flood with greetings and exclamations of ‘oh my god i’m so early!11!1’ and the multicoloured heart pop up on your screen, building up an impressive stream of likes. 

“where am i?“ you read through the comments and look around, as if you forgot where you were. “in the studio.“ you grin when the comments flood with questions asking if dreamcloud is getting new music.

you can’t answer, of course, but it’s fun to see. you squint at your phone, which is propped on an elaborate setup that you spent the past twenty minutes preparing. 

(three books on one eyeshadow palette and a selfie stick gingerly placed on a small stool)

((you pray to every deity out there that it won’t fall))

“i was just bored,“ you shrug, speaking to the screen. “so i decided to come on here and talk to you guys. how have you been?“ you ask. 

hundreds of comments answer. 

“i’m alright“

“i’m good!“

most of them contain some form of sappy declaration like ‘my day is much better now that you’re here!’ it makes you smile. how cute. 

the v-live notification. 

or, more accurately, the sound of war. 

that cursed, terrible ding! haunts yoongi’s darkest and most terrifying nightmares. the sheer amount of panic that rushes through his veins when he hears that godforsaken noise, god. 

the number of lives he’s missed- yoongi can’t even bear to think about it. 

so maybe it was a blessing in disguise that yoongi put his phone on do not disturb so he didn’t have to hear that disgusting sound. instead, he found out the news via a gorilla’s screech.

“Y/N’S LIVE RIGHT NOW STARTED FOURTY SECONDS AGO HURRY UP YOONGI GET YOUR ASS UP AND STOP STUDYI-“ jimin yells from his room down the hall. 

yoongi almost falls out of his chair scrambling to get to his phone. it’s not like he was really studying anyways- more like using his pencils to tap out a cool-sounding beat on his desk out of boredom. 

watching your live > passing his music theory class.

priorities. 

with shaky hands, he grabs at his phone, slumping onto the floor and he sees the familiar blue icon with the notification popped up on the screen. 

[V LIVE] Surprise LIVE! Y/N: let’s chat <3

an unnatural squeak that slightly resembles the sound a mouse slips out of yoongi’s mouth.

even when he was a baby starrie and was glued to his phone at all times, he’s never been this early to a live. he unlocks his phone, cursing his momentary clumsiness. he clicks into the live, smiling when your beaming face blasts up on his screen. 

you haven’t gone live in so long- it’s nice to see your face again. 

“- how have you been?“ 

“good.“ yoongi types out in the comment box, mumbling the words as he’s typing. “way better now that you’re live.“ sometimes yoongi cringes at himself when he types these things. i mean, who could possibly guess that min yoongi, resident scary-emo-couldslapyouintheface bad boy socially un-responsible simped over a k-pop idol?

he can already see his reputation go down the drain. 

he also wonders what it says about himself that he’s a 20-something college student who’s life practically revolves around you, an idol who’s just about a year younger than him.

but dreamcloud is a part of his identity now. he identifies as a starrie no matter what. you know how the old saying goes-

once you stan, you can’t unstan. or something like that, he’s honestly not sure. 

you tuck your head onto your hand, diligently trying to keep up with all the comment. with a gasp, you nod at something. “oh, you’re right, user yoonalova98!” - that’s another thing special about you. whenever you read out comments, you also read out the username of whoever wrote it. 

you explained in one interview- that it’s cooler to give credit and talk to your fans as if you’re just chatting as friend. saying the username feels like you’re saying their names. 

what kind of lucky fan would get their comment read aloud by Y/N?

ugh. 

yoongi blinks when he remembers that technically, he’s sort of part of this group of elite, recognised fans. 

his twitter stan account got almost five thousand more followers after Y/N replied to his selca. the post itself has tons and tons of likes and retweets. 

insane, that Y/N- Y/N herself- knows of his existence. Y/N- the love of his life, has seen his FACE. she commented three HEART emojis below a selfie that he took. 

if he thinks about it too much, he’ll start feeling faint again.  

“our anniversary is coming up soon! i can’t believe it’s been three years already. time does pass by when you’re having fun.“ you say. yoongi thinks that it’s rather ironic that you would forget your anniversary, when yoongi’s had a calendar countdown to January 14th since the beginning of september. 

“ahh,“ you say, leaning in closer to the screen. “from user lialiarach, ‘did you watch jisoo unnie’s acting debut’ - i did! we all watched it and cheered her on during the premiere!“ 

jisoo’s new drama is good. it’s a fantasy-horror blend, and he, jimin, namjoon and jin finished all 16 episodes in two days when streaming hit Netflix. 

your head tilts and you smile. “song recommendations?” you wonder aloud, and yoongi scrambles to get a pen and notepad out. you don’t do ‘y/n’s listening parties’ as much anymore, but your taste in music is impeccable and he collects all the songs in a playlist. 

it’s called ‘wedding tunes’ (jimin named it, not him, yoongi swears) 

everytime he tries to change it back, it somehow switches back to wedding tunes the next day. 

it’s disturbing how good jimin is at this kind of stuff. hopefully yoongi won’t have to bail him out of jail one day. 

“okay!“ you say, pulling your laptop open. you hum as you scroll through some page that yoongi can’t see- and he anxiously waits for the first song to be played with twitchy hands and a strong grip on his pen. 

the first bar plays out and yoongi’s already in love.

“this is,“ you say over the music, double checking just to make sure. “don’t need your love by NCT...“ you squint. god knows there are too many NCT members. “dream! NCT dream featuring HRVY.“ 

“NCT dream...“ yoongi mumbles to himself, writing the song down on the notepad. 

“you know,“ you say over the music, spinning in your chair and nodding to the beat. “i’ve only met the NCT guys a couple times at music shows and such but they’re all so nice. i can’t remember all their names, but i’m decently familiar with their faces. how do they even have 23 members? how does it all work??“ 

you dance around the studio, singing along nonsensical lyrics that don’t make sense but sort of fit the rhythm of the song (??) 

“don’t need your loo-ooove-!!! dum dum duhhhh duhros noya!!!” yoongi stifles a laugh. there’s a reason why you constantly forget lyrics on stage. 

which is quite ironic, actually, because half the time you’re forgetting the lyrics to a song you wrote yourself. 

afterwards, you play all the hidden gems- and yoongi’s proud to say he’s familiar with quite a few of them. 

airplane by j-hope (a youtube star turned successful rapper-vocalist-dancer)

sweet night by v (the internet’s resident eye-candy)

and then you continue to scroll through your laptop, biting your lip and murmuring quietly to yourself. you glance once back at your phone screen. 

okay, listen.

yoongi knows that he’s delusional, okay?

but everytime you look straight in the screen it’s almost like you’re looking directly at the camera it’s almost like you’re staring into his soul. which makes zero sense, but it still makes his heart skip a beat.

let him dream, please

“what am i scrolling through?“ you say, reciting a question from the chat. “soundcloud, user chachachae.“ 

soundcloud? 

oh.

that’s pretty cool.

he didn’t know you had a soundcloud account!

you usually post all your covers and random shorts to instagram or another one of your personal blogs. 

for a moment, yoongi indulges himself by wondering if you’d ever listened to his music. his soundcloud account is linked in his twitter bio, after all... 

but he shakes those thoughts away as fast as they came. he doesn’t need to entertain himself with such silly thoughts. 

“ooh, this one’s good!“ you say, clicking onto something. 

still with you by JAYKAY (pffftt haihdkahjd) starts playing and you lean back, humming along. yoongi knows this one too!! now he’s 3 for 3!! he and you do share a similar taste in music, so maybe it does make sense. 

even though you’re actually main vocalist and lead dancer, you do listen to a lot of rap music. but the music you make is nothing like the old school hip hop tracks that yoongi is partial to. 

the music you make- how can he explain it? 

sweet like honey with a little bit of tang. 

like barbecue honey!!!!

ok that was a bad analogy. 

all of his favourite dreamcloud tracks are written by you- cloud nine, up in the sky, are u still here, quicksand- the list goes on and on and on. 

it’s like listening to your voice solves anything he goes against. bad day? dreamcloud. something to celebrate? blast your debut song. in need of a party song? easy fix. he gets aux cord rights? (granted, this doesn’t happen very often, since seokjin insists that his music taste is superior to his friends.) but anyways, y/n can fix it. 

listening to your voice feels comforting. it invokes something in him that he honestly cannot explain with words. you’re his inspiration. not just in music- but in life. he admires how you’re able to smile through anything, how you take responsibility for your own actions. 

he admires your kind heart, which offers generosity and forgiveness to even the most underserving people. 

he admires your passion, for music, for your members, for the smallest things. he admires how you’ll love everyone and anyone. 

even though he’s never really met you, he feels like he knows you. he wishes he could, anyways. he wants to thank the person who’s gotten him through such bad days. 

yoongi curses himself again for being so delusional. 

he keeps telling himself that he can’t get so attached. then he’ll end up like one of those creepy fans who are convinced their idols actually like them. 

blech.

“okay, next song!“ you exclaim cheerfully. “i really like this one, guys. he’s this soundcloud star. he makes really cool music.“ yoongi readies his pen. if this person really is a soundcloud star, then there’s a high chance yoongi knows of him. a smaller chance that he actually knows the guy personally; either online or from real life. 

you press the space bar almost obnoxiously, like you’re about to reveal something grand. you look into the camera, and you lock eyes with yoongi- through that cursed, horrible screen. 

the first note plays and yoongi thinks that it sounds... oddly familiar, actually. for a moment, he sighs in disappointment. this one doesn’t sound as great as the previous few songs. almost like it’s incomplete, imperfect. something about it bugs him at the very bottom of his gut. 

jimin figures it out before he does. 

“AHHHHHHHHH YOONGI!!! OH MY GOD-!!!! YOONGI ARE YOU SEEING THIS? YOONGI!! HYUNG!“ yoongi grumbles, wondering what the hell jimin is screeching about now. 

“oh, for fuck’s sake,“ he mumbles. the difference between him and jimin is the way they express their emotions. while yoongi bottles it all up, choosing to deal with things alone and slump around, jimin has no other choice but to scream things out. it’s a wonder they’re such good friends, really. “what is it now?“ yoongi mutters to himself. 

“yeah yeah, a gentle breeze- “ and then it hits him. all at once. 

“holy fucking shit.“ he whispers to himself, slumping down on the floor. he can barely hear what you say next.

“this song is called people by agust d. he goes by the name suga on social media-!“ yoongi falls down, gasping for air. “i’m a fan,“ you remark casually. “mr. suga producer-nim!! i’m your fan! please continue to make good music!“ you chuckle. “what am i doing right now? he probably isn’t even watching.“ you stare innocently at the phone camera, as if you don’t even know that you’re changing someone’s life right now. 

out of his peripheral vision, he can see jimin rushing into the room, crouching next to him and placing a hand on his back, murmuring something yoongi can’t hear through the sound of his sobs. 

huh. when did he even start crying?

“he makes rap and really cool hip hop music. you guys should give him a listen. his lyrics are really meaningful, too.“ you nod along, reciting the lyrics word for word- even though you really can’t rap. 

“what kind of person am I? am I a good person? or a bad person? many of ways to judge just a person. everyone will live on, everyone will love, everyone will fade away“ you headbang along to the beat. 

yoongi slides down the wall inch by inch. he wonders if he’ll faint or vomit first.

other people seem to make fun of people like him- people who find solace in idols, in music. that’s partially why he doesn’t like disclosing the fact that he’s a diehard fan of an idol girl group. 

but in hindsight, that’s so stupid. who gives two fucks about his interests? hell, yoongi’s been depressed half his life. and if a group of girls who sing songs and perform make him feel better, what’s so wrong with that?

 jimin’s voice is a little clearer now, and so is yours. you’re singing along to the lyrics- the lyrics that he wrote. the lyrics that he spent hours agonising over, wondering whether his shortcomings and anxiety in his life were worth posting on the internet for his measly following to see. 

wondering if the music he made had any impact at all, if one day he might see his dream come true, to see his music being played in public. wondering if anyone might hear his songs and think that it helped them get over a bad day. just like you have for him. 

yoongi’s sobs wrack through his body, tears flowing freely on his face. he’s crying hard. ugly crying, like a baby throwing a temper tantrum. his cries echo through the room. if he could see himself right now...

well, he doesn’t want to think about it. he’s sure it’s not a pretty view. 

jimin looks over him, smiling proudly. his eyes are glassy, and he tucks yoongi’s head in his chest, putting his arms around him and embracing him. 

yoongi’s shoulders shake. if it was any other day, he would usher jimin out the room. he hates it when people see him being vulnerable. even his own family hasn’t seen him cry that much. 

but right now, he can’t bring himself to do anything but cry. other people may ask why this is such a big deal, why someone emotionally constipated like min yoongi would cry like this for such a small matter. 

this, he doesn’t know how to explain either. 

all he can think about is how much it means to him. that someone he admires so much is now, in turn, saying his music- no, his life- is good. nothing much else. but just knowing that you’ve listened to his work, that you know of his alter ego’s name...

his crying sounds grow larger. 

jimin pets at his hair. “shh,” he murmurs. “it’s okay.” jimin’s voice also grows a little shaky. he tears up, but continues to comfort the crying boy in his arms. “you did it, hyung. it’s okay. you made it. you did it. why are you crying? this is good news! this is so great! i’m proud of you, we’re all so proud of you.” 

yoongi tries to speak; it doesn’t go very well. but when he tries again, he manages to choke something out. 

“i did it.“ he says, before burying his face back into jimin’s hug. the two boys sit on the ground, crying together. an hour passes, then two. 

slowly, yoongi drifts off to bed on the ground, the melody of his own song blended with sound of your voice echoing in his head. 

my ordinary became your special, my special became your ordinary. so what? what if you just brush by? what if you get hurt? sometimes you might get hurt again, sometimes you might shed tears. so what? so what if you live like that? 

~ people by agust d

tags; @jksbbyfacebunny @extremeobsessions101​​ @dwcljh​ @stonyiscanon​ @bishuthot​ @s0seo​ @cecedrake2217​ 

[manicdepressivemom]

I picked up my vraylar, but I don’t think I can take it. I talked to husband about the things in my head last night and he called me crazy. I’m going to try and write it all out clearly but I feel like my brain is jumping from topic to topic before I can fully think through anything.

First off, because I think everything else hinges on this, I don’t think I’m bipolar. And either does anyone else. No one has believed me at first. And I still don’t think they do. Except maybe husband. He’s taken hold of the whole thing. My therapists, my mom, Jess. None of them believe it. And if I was really mentally ill, wouldn’t those closest to me realize something is up? Luke buys into it now, but he didn’t at first. 

I can’t kill myself. Husband, a mentally stable person, approves all of my decisions. Which proves that I’m neither that impulsive, that bizarre, or that self destructive. If I was to lose control of myself, I can’t imagine that I would be able to stop myself from doing things that don’t feel safe or rational.

I’m quite confident that I could see a psychiatrist twice a month for a year and never be diagnosed, so long as I didn’t fill out the stupid papers. Who DOESN’T have episodes of feeling particularly confident, or spendy, or so fascinated with something that they stay up late at night? What makes mine clinical? I’m not ruining my life. 

So that sort of leads me to, I don’t need these medicines. All they’re likely to do is crush my emotional range.  And lets say bipolar people have a range from -50 to 150. And normal people range from 0 to 100. If I take these drugs meant to smooth out swings, maybe I’ll only have a range of 20 to 80? Or even worse? I could just be flat. Never happy or sad. Brain dead, with no joy, no sex drive, and thinning hair. Not to even speak of the organ damage.

Which, of course, leads me to the idea that someone knows that bipolar disorder is a bunch of bullshit. Bipolar is almost always treated with several medications. The money in this industry is insane. Look at Vraylar, it was going to be $744 for 14 days. Insurance dropped it to $622. Then a MANUFACTURER card dropped it down to $0. They know they’re fucking people over. And this stupid card is only guaranteed to cover 2 months. Just long enough to convince people they need the shit before hiking the price back up. They know they’re price gouging with medications that might just be making us more sick for a short term promise of level moods. Which isn’t even a promise, really. It’s all guesswork. 

Is this just some sort of conspiracy to get people hooked on expensive medications that will ultimately make us sick? Would staying off our medications eventually lead to a level of insight and understanding that someone doesn’t want us to obtain? Perhaps we’re more capable than the average person to disrupt our current existence. Maybe we’re more able to peer beyond the veil and really perceive what’s beyond?

We know that people are pulling strings and making shit happen. I studied marketing and public relations. This isn’t new. Anyone who has taken a class like this knows that millions of dollars have been funneled into psychiatric research, and that information is used to manipulate us. Look at razors or tissues. The research on antidepressants if fuzzy, at best. 

Some funky stuff has been happening. Like the walls looking funny, anthrax coming up multiple times, both Luke and I having weird eye things going on. Husband pointed out the eye stuff could be from his new car which just sort of further convinces me I shouldn’t keep taking the meds. The possible answers are almost endless. And there are so many possible answers that don’t require me to take multiple heavy duty drugs. 

I recognize all of this might sound crazy. I know that I was recently very convinced I needed meds. But how do we know THAT wasn’t delusional? And, if my theory that there are intentional efforts to make bipolar people look crazy and in need of medication is correct, I can’t really express these things to anyone else. Of course they’re going to think I need help and meds. Because they’ve been manipulated to believe that anyone who questions the norm is mentally ill. And some people who really seem stable think the same things. 

Look at Friend. She’s totally convinced that the medical industry is bullshit despite being a seemingly sane person. She’s even stuck with that belief for years. 

Part of me wants to express these things and have validation that I’m insane, which must mean I’m sane right? I would keep these things to myself if not, wouldn’t I? Even now, I’m only writing the stuff that sounds the most bizarre. Maybe I have munchausen.

[vestigialtext]

Euphorroria

[TW suicide, self-harm] 

Imagine you turn around there’s suddenly a perfectly circular swirling hole open in the floor, emanating a hazy purple glow and a kind of pulsing, reverb-drenched celestial siren song, like the single sickest shoegaze riff you’ve ever heard.

You think, huh, wow, that’s a pretty weird trip-hazard, and erect some cordons to stop anyone falling in. But you become fixated on the hole, staring in unblinking for hours. It’s curious, it’s beautiful, it’s sonically enchanting, it’s perfumed with a kind of partially floral, partially cardomomic, partially metallic scent which just encroaches on the sickly-sweet – but you still want a taste.

The hole, as it happens, is a portal to insanity.

This is how I experience hypomania; standing steady-of-foot behind the barrier, gazing at wonder to the insanity, hearing its call but keeping a safe distance.

Mania would see me leap the barrier, approach too close, and invariably slip in screaming.

Psychosis, meanwhile, would see me fall in, try to either fight it or fuck it, turn it inside out and prolapse it back through into rational reality, the fabric of which world begin to collapse as internal and external landscapes collide and splinter into one and other and I approach self-oblivion.

A full psychotic break has only happened twice in my lifetime, and frankly I’m lucky to be here writing this drivel – my second episode, nearly a decade ago, almost killed me and left me with almost impossible-to-comprehend scars I’ll bear for the rest of my life, scars invisible to the observer but forever altering my perception of the world, scars I’ve made peace with but which continue to niggle every day. Without getting deep into the nightmarish details, I tried – and, thank fuck, failed – to blind myself, resulting in bilateral scarred corneas which mean that, while my vision remains entirely functional and luckily unimpaired to any significant degree, I experience constant, curious aberrations, especially in low-light where the world melts into a sea of halos.

Importantly, I’m still alive. I very nearly leapt into the Thames on the morning of 10/03/2010, and not through depressive, I-can’t-bear-to-live anguish, but due to chasing immensely powerful delusions and hallucinations to the same place that almost cost me my sight. There’s a lot I’ve written and lot I will write about my experiences of psychosis – particularly re the corrupted internal logic that catalysed much of my bizarre, life-ruining behaviour in 2003 and 2010 – but not here, not now.

Mania, the losing control of my inhibitions and tripping headfirst into hyperactive chaos, has occurred three times in my life, but only progressed through to psychosis twice. I had my first (and to date, only quickly-controlled) manic episode age 16, following a few months as an inpatient at an adolescent psychiatric in Newcastle (remember when the NHS used to offer those kind of services lol). Up until that point, I had been being treated for major depression, which was my diagnosis until the mania emerged. I don’t quite remember the specifics – I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my bipolar 1 diagnosis last month – but one day it seems the depressive fog suddenly cleared and my mind, robbed of feel-good shit for so long, lurched as far as it could in the opposite direction as some kind of bizarre compensatory push.

Perhaps the flip was inevitable, perhaps it was triggered by a chemical predisposition to mania plus guzzling down combinations of all the anti-depressant variants that could be feasibly prescribed for the preceding three months. Who can say. Whatever the case, suddenly I was bouncing around the hospital halls like Sonic the Hedgehog, talking borderline-gibberish garbage incessantly, getting back deep into abandoned A-level art projects and attempting to start roughly 1,000 extracurricular projects simultaneously. The doctors quickly took notice, brought me down with lithium and revised my diagnosis.

Hypomania, (literally “below mania”), is something I experience on average a few times a year, hitting in waves, usually with a clear trigger. It’s a glimpse at the maelstrom of insanity without actually dipping a toe. Delusional ideas can creep into my head, but I can analyse and dismiss them rationally with a firm “No.” I now have enough insight and experience of my own sensations and mood pattern recognition to usually ward off a manic episode, typically with self-seclusion and/or self-management, sometimes with medication. Zopiclone, a sedative, has proven to be something of a magic bullet at sniping down incoming mania, so I try to keep a stash handy – I popped one Saturday gone just to try and keep the train on the rails after barely sleeping for two weeks straight.

After accepting I was an alcoholic six years ago, I’ve gone entirely teetotal, and that itself has greatly improved my ability to monitor myself, to try and regulate my own mood – previously, I’d (technically binge)-drink more or less every single day, and drown out any troublesome hypomanic episode with even more booze, remaining entirely functional (if prone to starting each day with a big purging sick and then having a couple of practically clockwork spew breaks at work) until my liver and my nervous system started wildly red-flagging at the sheer relentless demands I was asking of them, the perpetual nature of my misguided self-medication, so I decided to stop dead drinking or risk further ruining my health.

Without in any way wishing to belittle or underestimate the impact of the disease (severe, bulk-of-a-year depression episodes have also nearly killed me) I feel like depression is something even people who don’t suffer from mental health problems can at least begin to comprehend, can take a stab at imagining the experience. Perhaps not the depths – the eroding, claustrophobic mental space, the glimmer of hope on the horizon disappearing into darkness, all sensory input turning to a grey mush, the head-in-a–tomb depersonalisation – but most people can relate to being “sad”, most people have experienced tragedy at some point in their lives. Hypomania, however, is a trickier prospect to explain. But I’ll try.

I can’t speak for others who experience the condition, but in my case, hypomania manifests itself across my whole physical, mental, emotional spectrum. Although other factors come into play, the biggest single trigger for me seems to be sleep deprivation. It’s no news that circadian rhythms and bipolar disorder are intrinsically interlinked, and I have very real first-hand experience. As a shiftworker (occasional nightshift worker) who lives on the opposite side of London to my office and has a four-month old daughter, my current sleep hygiene is pretty... ropey to say the least, so I’m trying to be extra vigilant. A few nights back-to-back of little sleep (I’m talking a hour or two, at the best of times my sleep is shit anyway and five hours is a good stint) I can often feel my mood changing gears.

Simply put, when I’m hypomanic, the world is a more engaging place; more detail fills the cracks, more edges pique my interest. All of my senses sharpen up – my vision becomes cleaner, brighter, more vivid, sound seemingly has additional frequency space, imperceptible before. My senses of smell and taste overwhelm me, aromas become intoxicating and normal food takes on gourmet qualities. My energy level skyrockets without any additional external input; I have much more impetus, enthusiasm about life, work, whatever. I can literally feel my mind starting to function differently – but not necessarily more efficiently – taking shortcuts, randomly accessing memories in remarkable detail without any prompt. I can think faster, but with less focus; I’m more distractible and will happily shoot off on wild tangents with complete disregard for my goal. Depending on circumstances at home or work, hypomania is a mixed bag – any lethargy is dispelled and my agency and job satisfaction is heightened, but I might, say, approach 20 tasks simultaneously when sequentially would be more rational.

Depending on social context, I expend varyingly extreme amounts of effort to varying degrees of success attempting to mask a hypomanic episode. You know how your body never really “heals”, and scurvy horrifyingly opens up old scars and shit? That’s kind of what my ever-simmering mental illness feels like when i’m consistently deprived of sleep for whatever reason, the cracks start appearing and it kinda seeps out a bit lol. I am well aware my hypomanic demeanour and delivery can alarm people, and I do try really, really, really hard to suppress things or if absolutely required, just remove myself from situations where a lasting, detrimental opinion could be formed. I am also fully aware I can become borderline intolerable to my long-suffering and remarkably patient wife, and I try to mitigate the condition’s impact on domesticity, again, only ever partially-successfully (sorry, Kate). On any given day, high, low, or creamy middle, I’d estimate around about 90% of my effort is put towards just trying to appear normal to others, trying to blend in. I imagine many other mentally ill people are broadly intolerant to open-plan hotdesking (not to mention the insatiable clock-in-and-hit-marks demands of capitalism).

I can physically feel my body “running hotter” when I’m hypomanic, like an overclocked CPU frazzling on a motherboard; headaches spark quickly if I don’t drink enough water. I’m not especially clued up on chemical synthesis of naturally-occurring hormones etc. but I kinda get the impression hypomania is little like organic, high-on-your-own-supply MDMA.

Hypomania seems to foster within me a deeper connection to and longing to revisit all of my favourite music, art, writing, films, games, people – chiefly, I go on obsessive listening binges of records I adore. As I mentioned earlier, my hearing changes when I’m hypomanic – songs sound better, richer, more punchy. One of my fondest ever memories of mental illness (sadly ruined by slipping into psychosis shortly afterwards) was walking around out at night listening to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless on shitty earbuds via a Spotify stream and still hearing subtle elements blossoming from the mix I’d never clocked before; layers of what sounded like processed flutes fluttering under the wall of guitars, gentle tonal ebs and flows, what seemed to be entire hidden tracks I was only just tuning in to, a secret sound world unveiled.

This might well just be wild conjecture, but I like to think maybe some bands – the bands who “get it” – deliberately bury this audio information deep within the mix, only to be decoded by specific mental setups, be they drug-indicted or naturally, hormonally occurring, breadcrumb trails left in the studio production as a little nod by whoever put the music together that they understand the confusion, the dislocation and alienation of mental illness, something extra beyond the lyrics. It might well be bullshit but it brings me great comfort. I’ve put together a playlist of some favourite tunes I suspect were written about hypomanic states, knowingly or otherwise, or instead conjure up that specific vibe.

To be honest, the hardest thing I find about dealing with episodes of hypomania is that they can feel so good it’s very hard to not attempt to stoke the sensation, prolong it, succumb deeper to it. That way oblivion lies; please stand behind the yellow line at all times.

[twen-nee7]

i haven't had a psychotic episode quite this bad in awhile. it has been a week. i am in a moment of rare lucidity.

my cat, persephone, needs $1300 worth of surgery. this doesn't count medicine.

i learned this at some point at the beginning of the month. then time slipped. this isn't abnormal; my comorbid disorders keep me from experiencing time properly. i saw .y psychiatrist in the interim of "cat bills need paid" and "full-blown psychosis."

i got new tarot cards (ordered before i knew my cat would be costly). i got acquainted with them.

psychosis: the flesh played cards and i saw and told it what it meant.

* it is important to note the cards had nothing to do with this. i have schizophrenia and do tarot all the time with no issue. this blog is just a diary. *

bedtime came and went. a day passed. i felt. my feet like roots in the soil, spreading wide and the chanting of the Divine! Divinity! they never speak to me in english, but it had to be important. sleep is weak.

i was awake a long time. no one noticed. my partner finally realized i was disorganized in speech. he talked me into taking medicine. i slept 3 hours.

the world was nice, thrumming, and i was awake and Connected. i read the epic of gilgamesh for class and cried. world lit done.

friends said i was "off." there was no cessation of talking, from me or the Divine, and my ears rang. i slept eventually -- 8 hours. that day i couldn't walk. the Gods were in my phone.

time has lost all meaning. somewhere, i drew a snail. somewhere else i called my partner in hysterics begging him to find me a hospital so i could get grounded.

i am afraid of hospitals and haven't been to one since 2018 due to a very bad experience.

i didn't believe that i would have done that. i said he lied. me telling him is in the message history.

my doctor (psychiatrist) said to go to a hospital because she, "couldn't stabilize me quickly enough." i have been using thorazine and saphris to try to be lucid. it barely works.

i can't read or write sometimes. the reason i didn't go to a hospital [yet] is because they are all shared rooms. the ER carts you somewhere random and i am scared of that, too. there are bad hospitals in the area.

i have an autoimmune disorder. i don't want to get covid.

i'm losing it again. i think it's been a week. every day feels like three. i couldn't tell you the president or year. the closest hospital doesn't have a mental unit. the closest psychiatric hospital is Bad and also doesn't take my insurance. the best one in the area is 150 miles away (the one closest that is just a mental hospital is 75); closest hospital with a ward is 50.

i live in the countryside, and i have 20 pages of a novel due sunday?. i haven't looked at classes. how do you tell your professors you're insane?

there isn't an easy answer. my doctor won't see me.

psychosis: its nice here, the flesh wishes to remain in its delusional state.

i need to do something.

i turn 24 in a week, instagram says so.

[aion-rsa]

Battletoads Review: Rocks Harder Than the Original’s Pause Music

https://ift.tt/3aEbQdf

Battletoads is one of those ’90s franchises that, despite a handful of video game releases and a very short-lived cartoon, fizzled out for all except a group of dedicated fans. For those of us who do remember Battletoads, the classic beat ’em up/platformer remains a classic. What started as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles clone became a NES title notable for its legendary difficulty and the way it altered the gameplay from level to level.

Now, with a revival of the series about to drop for a new generation, the question is: how do you make a modern Battletoads game? That’s what the team at Dlala Studios had to ask themselves because it’s one thing to just make a really difficult game and call it a day. Battletoads is really more about the personality and the variety. Even with said variety, classic Battletoads was at its best when it was a side-scrolling beat ‘em up. Looking back, Battletoads in Battlemaniacs on SNES had a fantastic first level in that style, but then threw it out the window in favor of different and harder types of levels that weren’t all that fun to play.

On the other hand, arcade Battletoads probably suffered from not stretching out into other directions enough. You had your regular beat ‘em up levels, the one where you lower into a pit, the gunner level, and I guess you could argue that the snow level was different enough to count. It still felt very same-y overall.

Fortunately, Battletoads 2020 hits the sweet spot — for the most part. I want to say about 60% of it is a side-scrolling beat ‘em up, which feels like a cross between arcade Battletoads and Arc System Works’ River City Girls. The only issue I really have with the game is how front-loaded those levels are. Later Battletoads levels jump around various genres and sometimes forget about hand-to-hand combat altogether.

The game is made up of four acts. Overall, it feels like each act is a different episode of a cartoon, one big story told in installments. Speaking of cartoon, the game has a fantastic art style that overlays Rise of the TMNT animation over backgrounds and designs that look like they came out of Rayman Legends. Each toad has their own distinct personality, with Zitz as the neurotic leader, Rash as the delusional egomaniac, and Pimple as the peaceful voice of reason.

Release Date: August 20, 2020 Platform: PC (reviewed), XBO Developer: Dlala Studios, Rare Publisher: Xbox Game Studios Genre: Beat ‘em up

After a basic, yet at times rather surreal first level, we find that these days, the Battletoads are has-beens and it’s possible they never had it to begin with. They’re now stuck in a mundane reality of nine-to-five jobs while living in a total craphole apartment. Rash, driven to depression and desperation, wants their fame and fortune back and only knows one way to do so: find the Dark Queen and beat her up again. His fellow toads (nobody is sure whether they’re friends or brothers or what) agree to see his insane and sad plan through.

Off they go on their turbo speeders to hunt down the Dark Queen, not knowing that they’re all wrapped up in a much bigger story than they realize.

As most of the game falls under the side-scrolling beat ‘em up genre, you can choose between Pimple (slow and strong), Rash (fast and weaker), and Zitz (juuuuuuust right). The combat system harkens back to the classic installments, but the three characters also have ridiculous shape-shifting powers that enhance their attacks. These shape-shifting abilities include everything from growing giant fists to weird stuff like Rash turning his hands into giant fish and slapping everyone around him or Zitz turning into a jackhammer. And there are plenty of fun animations that liven up these combos.

Each toad’s basic offense includes the standing combos, jump attacks, a launcher, a slow-but-strong attack to shatter defenses, and a heavy attack that affects all enemies in close vicinity. Surviving the game’s hectic fights also means having to use other skills, such as dashing, using your tongue to pull opponents towards you, and spitting bubblegum at enemies to hold them to slow them down.

The game features only local multiplayer, so no online team-ups (kind of unfortunate given the current state of the world). In multiplayer, players can revive fallen comrades, but if you’re in single-player, combat in Battletoads works in tag team system. Once your toad is toast, another one will pop into his place. Those who are KO’d can come back after a timer runs out, but they’ll only get half a life bar back. If all three toads are taken down before any can respawn, it’s game over.

Read more

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Battletoads: The Strange History of a Nigh-Impossible Franchise

By Gavin Jasper

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Lost Battletoads Game Boy Game Revealed

By Matthew Byrd

This is important: you can’t just mash buttons and hope for the best in Battletoads. You absolutely need to approach battles strategically. Different enemies have different tactics and advantages, so you’ll have to pick your targets and figure out who gets hit when and with what attack or you’re going to get your ass handed to you.

The other levels in this game are all over the place. I mean, the second level includes mini-games that include Pimple as a masseuse and Zitz trying to send emails on a broken computer. There’s an update of the infamous Turbo Tunnel level from the original game, puzzle-based platformers, cartoony gymnastics, a series of shoot ‘em up levels, a chase level in the style of the original’s Rat Race, an outright bizarre take on rock/paper/scissors, and more.

One of the highlights is a Pimple-centric level that I can’t spoil, but it comes out of nowhere and is one of the most cathartic moments of the game.

As expected, parts of the game are extremely difficult at times. There’s a side-scrolling sledding level where you have to match your button commands to whatever surface you’re sledding over (ice, sponge, or carpet) or you die, all while hopping over insta-kill spike hazards. THANK GOD there are infinite continues and tons of checkpoints because I had to re-do one of these sections well over 100 times before finally getting past it. Certain levels are insanely unforgiving and I shudder to think how people are going to finish the game on its hardest difficulty level.

It took me just six hours to get through Battletoads on medium difficulty. That was six hours of awesomeness where even the frustration felt like it paid off. In terms of replay value, most levels have five “collectables” hidden throughout, plus a sixth collectable that you earn by beating a level by a certain amount of time or getting a combo rank of at least “A” for each section of a beat ‘em up level. You don’t get any additional perks for unlocking these collectables but it is a reason for completionists to go back through the game.

At a time when beat ’em ups are making a big comeback, Battletoads is a welcome name to add to the pile of new entries. At only $20, the game is an absolute steal and is filled to the brim with good times and a couple of laugh-out-loud moments. The game is a surprising return to greatness for the franchise.

The post Battletoads Review: Rocks Harder Than the Original’s Pause Music appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[s0020442]

Post L. Synopsis & Script

100 word synopsis: Psychological Malfunction

The year is 1952, Christopher Wood, a 22-year-old British man has suffered from multiple severe mental disabilities including Schizophrenia, Delusional Disorder, Psychosis and Chronic Depression since the age of 15. From this age, he was forced to live the rest of his life in a supposedly ‘non-operating’ psychiatric hospital by his previous domestically abusive parents. He now suffers even greater than he did as a youth…

Christopher visions that he lives his life in various different ways to of which he feels is the true ‘reality’. However, these are episodes of ‘non-reality’ of which occur in his head... Suffering from flashbacks and unrealistic imagery forming within his head, he finds it difficult to accept reality. 

Script

Below are the scriptures I had put together using my film plan as a basis in order to support me in the full construction via the Celtx Online software. This was extremely helpful as it allowed me to generate a Shot List and base design for a Storyboard of which I will implement into a later post. 

Psychological Malfunction: Film Plan 

- Opening title screen with production company and candidate details-

- 0:01-0:07 Introduction- Darkened footage of trees and other aspects of a forest leading up the asylum (focus location), a low wind-like track runs in the background to create a sense of uneasiness.

- 0:08-0:14 Establishing shot of the asylum presented.

- 0:14-0:20 Tracking shots alongside the corroded walls and wide angles on darkened rooms are screened to convey the true daunting effects the asylum offers within.

 - 0:21-0:25 A long shot of Christopher Wood sat on a wooden chair within the interior is used to introduce the focal character and the poor conditions of the environment around him. Additionally, a close-up from the side conveys his desolated facial expressions.

 - 0:26:0:31 Following on from the close-up of the protagonist, as a montage of small snippets of his head shaking and moving uncontrollably occur to reflect how his insane mind is taking over him physically.

 - 0:32-0:35 A loud knocking on Christopher’s cell door can be heard from the previous scenes, at each knock (set of 3), the shots jump cut closer and closer to the door and of his mouth as his lips tremble in utter fear.

 - 0:36-0:42 Terrifying flashbacks within Christopher’s mind occur of the previous abuse he suffered from his parents before his imprisonment within the asylum, a series (montage) of screams can be heard throughout to indicate how they’re nightmarish visions.

 - 0:43-0:48 After this montage sequence of flashbacks, “Oi!” can be heard from the doorway of Christopher’s asylum room, his acknowledgement can be identified by the same close-up from prior to the flashback sequence. A POV shot is used in a tilted upwards movement to show Christopher looking upwards to the asylum keeper throwing scraps of food in a bag down by his feet.

- 0:49-0:56 Christopher crawls up into a corner of the room away from the food, an attribute belonging to depression is that of starving yourself, this creates the realism of this characters mental conditions. This is shown in a longshot (high angled) and a close-up of him shaking rapidly.

 - 0:57-1:07 Cuts to the interweaving storyline of Andrew Wood, the long-lost brother of Christopher through various POV angles running towards the asylum in urge to save him. Layers of static over the footage occurs to convey a sense of similar genetic connection of insanity between the two.

 - 1:08-1:16 Cuts back to Christopher within his cell from a close-up as he shakes rapidly in fear. After around four seconds he shuffles closely towards the food in a backwards track movement and takes it. An upwards tilt from the scraps shows him eating it.

 - 1:17-1:22 The screaming sound of one of the other patients can be heard, an over the shoulder shot is used behind Christopher, he rushes towards the door of his cell to find out what’s occurring on the other side.

 - 1:23-1:27 From a POV perspective of Christopher, we as the audience visualise the horrifying physical mistreatment of the ‘Wretch’ character by the Psychiatrist.

 - 1:28-1:34 More flashbacks begin to take over the mind of Christopher of the domestic abuse from his parents as he relates to the pain the Wretch is going through when being beaten, these are presented as previously, through a montage of different shot types within the house location. A broad range of darkened, nightmarish visuals and weapons of which his parents used will be focused on by the camera in close-up shots.

 - 1:35-1:40 The scene cuts to a low angled medium shot, focused on the Psychiatrist as he says I hope you die rat!” to the Wretch.

- 1:41-1:44 The cut after this shot refers to a side angle close-up of Christopher as he repeats “hope” to himself after hearing it from the Psychiatrist.

- 1:45-2:04 A quick zoom into the eye of Christopher from a close-up is done alongside hearing a suction of wind-like sound. The scenes cut to the visually captivating setting of a variation of shots where Christopher has a ‘happy memory’ of himself and Andrew playing football when they were youngsters. These shots are rather still and slow to reflect the contrast between this ethereal/dreamlike memory to the previous flashback nightmares. It’s essentially a total juxtaposition from the horrifying visuals within his head, prompted by the word of “hope” being said.

 - 2:00-2:05 The previous sequence cuts to the psychiatrist and the Asylum Keeper who discuss further daily beatings and mistreatments to the remaining patients, Christopher Wood being the next on the list. This is presented through an over the shoulder shot of the Psychiatrist.

 - 2:06-2:12 A close-up in a pan-like motion shows their record book notes on Christopher Wood’s patient file.

 - 2:13-2:17 From a low angle shot, the Psychiatrist and Asylum Keeper are seen examining the notes and making an initialisation for the ‘Cell Check-up’.

 - 2:18-2:25 Shot reverse shot (medium close-up formats) is used between the Psychiatrist and the Asylum Keeper of which the Asylum Keeper says “you know what to do.” The Psychiatrist acknowledges and walks towards a cupboard.

 - 2:26-2:34 A still shot from behind shows the Psychiatrist retrieving a crowbar from the cupboard, a close-up of it being twisted in his hands is shown shortly after. The camera stays still as he walks away.

 - 2:35-2:45 The camera cuts back to a POV shot of small montage snippets of Andrew making his way through forestry in the finding of Dunmeir Asylum, the last shot of this series of snippets is of him stopping completely as he has flashbacks…

 - 2:46-3:26 30 seconds of a happy memories through Andrew’s perspective occurs through vivid, captivating imagery of his young-self playing board games with his brother Christopher.

 - 3:27-3:31 After a flash effect on screen, the dreamlike scenes cut back to reality.

 - 3:32-3:37 A forward track behind the Psychiatrist (following him) shows him walking with the crowbar towards Christopher’s cell in determination to terminate him from the patient list completely. A tracking shot from the side is also used alongside this after a cut as he proceeds quickly.

 - 3:38-3:43 A POV shot from the perspective of Andrew is used by the entrance of the asylum, the camera is shaky indicating a sense of urgency.

 - 3:44-3:51 After a jump cut, the POV shots continue in a montage format with static interruptions at each cut to convey the corrupted mind of Andrew within his almost ‘insane’ determination to save his brother from the asylum.

 - 3:52-3:56 Crackling and static effects are used throughout a montage sequence of different shots of various interior rooms of the asylum alongside screaming patients and their violent acts against the walls and objects within.

 - 3:57-4:00 A still medium shot from behind introduces the rapid abuse from the Psychiatrist with the crowbar. A high angled close-up of the cell walls focusing on the crowbar as it raises from each ‘swing’ by the Psychiatrist, Christopher’s screams can be heard alongside this.

 - 4:01-4:04 Again, the scenes cut back to the POV shots of Andrew as he rushes through the asylum, searching each room in desperation to find his brother and save him. The same crackled static effects are used throughout these montage clips to convey his mind corrupting as he proceeds throughout.

 - 4:05-4:10 A depth of field backwards over the shoulder shot (from the front of the Psychiatrist) shows the Asylum Keeper blurred in the background standing in the doorway of Christopher’s cell laughing as the Psychiatrist continues to rapidly beat Christopher to a pulp. Christopher’s screams begin to continue.

 - 4:11-4:14 These screams sound bridge over to Andrew approaching closer through POV shots.

 - 4:15- 4:55 After the Psychiatrist and the Asylum Keeper leave once satisfied with their attack, the rest of this entire sequence conveys the intercutting/switching of shots between Christopher and Andrew. Christopher is conveyed sobbing and occasionally screaming from the suffering of the Psychiatrist’s physical abuse. Continuous flashbacks flicker of domestic abuse with his parents and of what he has been put through during his input within the asylum. He bleeds and cries. These shots are much slower now, concentrating on now how much Christopher has no longer a rapidly processing mind of insanity as his mental and emotional pain is much beyond this now. Andrew fights through the Psychiatrist and the Asylum Keeper which black his path to Christopher’s cell.

 Two different endings (4:56-5:20):

 Death in Reality:

- 4:56-5:06 Christopher crawls towards some broken concrete/glass on the floor (in the corner of his cell besides the walls) of which he had previously been self-harming with (when he’s introduced at the start scars will be highlighted up his arms), this is presented through a high angle shot and a close-up from the side of his ‘desperate’ facial expression.

 - 5:07-5:11 Andrew continues to shout/call for Christopher and does not receive a reply, all the asylum patient’s screams can no longer be heard. POV shots are used in longer shots now rather than quick snippets within a montage sequence to convey a sense of a highly dramatic atmosphere as there are no more cuts to Christopher...

- 5:12-5:16 The POV cuts to Christopher rushing towards a small room of which he hasn’t discovered yet, he looks around the corner…

- 5:17-5:20 An over the shoulder shot of Christopher is used as he’s leant against the wall of his cell with his head on a tilt as his brother enters the room.

 “It’s All in Your Mind”:

- 4:56-5:20 Christopher is shown rocking back and forth, crying and having the occasional flashback of abuse from chaotic moments and events of the past, this process will be sped up to indicate a sense of what goes on in his mind is uncontrollable, progressively more and more flashbacks build up over time and begin to get quicker and quicker when shots cut from Andrew to Christopher. These begin to flicker through his mind rapidly as he screams at the top of his lungs, this comes to a sudden stop very suddenly and unexpectedly, and blends into the first shot of which introduced Christopher at the start, a long shot of Christopher Wood sat on a wooden chair. A close-up shot from the side is then used for a few seconds…it was all in his mind.

Patient File Designs:

Christopher Wood:

Robin Blake (extra):

Dunmeir Asylum Photograph (prop used by Andrew Wood):

Links to my Creative Investigation:

To represent my focal character in a way that the audience feel sympathy for the mental pain he suffers from, I had decided initially to give him no dialogue in the script but that the other characters mistreat and abuse him severely.  Their lines had to have an aggressive impact in production, in my script I ensured that their roles were truly sadistic to convey this idea of a nightmarish world and a corrupted psychology, not just from the perspective of my protagonist but others too, this was done to create a ‘relationship’ with them all.

David Lynch’s scripts and locations would have been carefully thought out to convey realism in a surreal environment within productions such as Eraserhead and The Elephant Man. These were clearly all highly successful productions as they could manipulate the audience’s emotions and have a great impact in expressing various social concerns i.e. the mistreatment of the mentally ill/disabled.

[soulless-soulsearcher]

Nature vs nurture

The age old question: nature vs nurture. What prevails in the raising of a child, their genes or the environment they are raised in? Well being raised in a broken house with a mom with bipolar 1 And a dad with anger issues, I can tell you I’m a firm believer in nurture. From experiencing consent arguing between my parents (which got physical from time to time) or seeing my mom lay in bed for months at a time (she would refuse to take her medication) or seeing my mom tear our family apart by sleeping around on my dad and leaving him for some scum bag drug dealer. Hell, my mom tried to kidnap me by telling me she wants to take me to get fast food, instead she tried to take me to her lawyer to try and talk to her, had to be taken home by a cop that day. Both my parents were extensive drug users through my child hood; my mom continued much into my teenage years. My dad was always there for me, working a hard job to support me and my grandma. My mom left me when I was around 8 or 9, so naturally I grew up resenting her. In turn this made me awkward around women and probably to some extent subconsciously dislike them. Anytime I talk to a women my heart would race and I could barely get any words now (I now know that is my severe anxiety) but at the time I thought I was just weird and an outcast. Fast forward to when I was almost about you’ve a freshman in high school. My mom came back into my life to help my dad take care of my dying grandma (my dad’s mother was more of a mother to my mom than her own mother) she was finally trying to be a mom, I knew I resent her then, for everything she had put me threw. Her and my dad eventually remarried ( I was shocked honestly) but things seemed better this time, until we moved into a new house (our old house was foreclosed on) the move stressed my mom out and once we moved into the new house she was probably the worse I’ve ever seen her (granted I was much older so I probably remember this better than anything before) she would have bipolar episodes multiple times a week. She would lay a bed all day and if she wasn’t doing that she’d be yelling at me (she literally told me she wanted to kill me one time) to be told some of things she would tell me it call me and just be expected to forgive since “it wasn’t really her” was hard to accept, but I did it. Going through all this made me realize: I really needed to be in control of my environment, I was so nervous because I had no idea how she’d wake up that I needed to control everything. This was very unhealthy in hindsight, but it made me comfortable, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. I was a control freak and very abusive to those around me. Things got worse when my mom started getting delusions. I should take this time to say my dad got much better with his anger and was much more calm and understanding of my mom’s illness (he grew up with a sister who would beat him who had bipolar, so I’m she he had resentment towards bipolar and my mom) these delusions would be anything from me, my dad, or our roommate stealing something of hers, to her stomping out when my dad and I were talking to yell at us for talking shit about her. After dealing with that into my early 20s I had grown a much stronger resentment towards my mom and probably women to be honest, that I could barely stand to be around my mom. And when she would have an episode I’d have to leave the house due to my anxiety from the situation. Around when I was 22 or 23 she finally started to get better, she was taking her meds, trying to do things for me and be there for me. I actually felt like I had a mom finally. I felt like I could open up to her about things I could never tell my dad. Things were getting better finally, I mean the damage was done to me and the habits were set in, but I felt like I could maybe get over things and be a more healthy person. I kind of did, I wasn’t perfect by any means, but going through the shit I went through I knew it would take a long time. Fast forward to this year around September. I was diagnosed with bipolar. I had been ignoring the warning signs for months. I knew why, I did not wanna be my mom, I did not want to hurt those around me the way she hurt those around her. I soon learned that I needed to accept that I was probably more like my mom than I ever wanted to be. Ironic huh? Ever since I’ve found out I’ve been regularly taking my meds and I’ve noticed such an improvement. The episodes are kept to a minimum. The depression and manic phases hardly ever happen. I feel like for the first time in a long time that I’m genuinely happy with who I am. This leads to my last point. My mom has been slowly getting worse the last few months, she actually thinks my dad and their roommate are planning to get her put in an insane asylum. She is paranoid and delusional and she refuses to see it. It sucks, the last year or so I’ve had a good relationship with my mom, she been taking her meds and has been there for me. Lately she’s not been taking her meds and her paranoia has gotten much worse. I really hope she tries to get better, because everyone in her life has tried to help as much as they can. It’s up to her to get the help she needs. If she doesn’t, no matter how sad it would make me, I may have to cut her out of my life for being too toxic. Even though I grew up in a broken house and have seen some shit (sorry to be cliche 😋) I feel like I’m a healthy person. I’ve come to terms with everything I’ve gone through and have been able to really improve my self. I have a lot of healthy relationships in my life, I really try to be there for people when they need me, I’ve also learned to trust people and let them be there for me. Overall I’m very happy with the person I am right now.