#it's because it's Ian and that's the crux

[mercysought]

I don't have a lot of time right now, however, I remember reading Karen (@hoboblaidd) talking about whether Solas would have killed the Inquisitior if it meant achieving his goals (you can read it over here) and the question I have posed myself since is whether Asharen would have done the same if it came down to, if she could have killed Solas if it meant stopping the veil from falling.

And honestly? I think so? It would have been likely a fight, flight and freeze type of decision. A reaction than necessarily an action. It would have changed her. Broken her even to do it. It would be undeniable that she would be unrecognisable because of it :)

[litcityblues]

Let's Talk About The Hobbit Trilogy

I must be feeling more generous in my old age, because I watched Star Trek Into Darkness again and that was a lot better than I remember it being and then, for reasons unknown to me I got it into my head to sit down and watch The Hobbit Trilogy again and my heart, which had been hardened against these films for years now, unthawed... a little bit.

I mean, we first have to give flowers where they're due: is there anybody on the internet that can take these films apart better than Lindsay Ellis has already done? If you're reading this, you've probably seen her videos at some point, but if you haven't here's part one and part two.

But back to me and my hardened heart: I have always hated the fact that they took The Hobbit (a relatively short book) and tried to milk it to death into three separate films. I felt it was a money grab by the studio and had a vague inkling of some sort of rights dispute being involved between studios somehow, but it felt silly. The Lord of the Rings was three separate books. Making that into a trilogy made sense. This did not. I felt it should have been one, really excellent movie- maybe, maaaaaaybe two, and honestly, I watched the first one (An Unexpected Journey) in the theaters and didn't bother to go back and watch the other two.

So, I sat down and I watched them again. Not all in a row, mind you because I'm not that much of a Tolkien superfan, but I made my way through them again, and here's what I think:

An Unexpected Journey might be the best film of the three. It's a genuinely good film and I feel like it hews the closest to the source material. The film opens with a little bit of backstory: the Dwarf King Thror brought prosperity for the dwarves of the Lonely Mountain and the men who lived in the nearby town of Dale. But too much gold attracted the attention of the dragon, Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch) who swooped down with fire and fury and drove the dwarves from the mountain to claim the treasure for himself. The Dwarves flee and Thorin (Richard Armitage) sees King Thranduil (Lee Pace) and the Wood Elves standing by and doing nothing to help- somewhat understandably, Thorn develops a hatred of elves as a result.

That backstory aside, we flash forward to where 50-year-old Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman) is recruited by Gandalf (Ian McKellan) to first host a dinner for Thorin and his company of dwarves and then be their burglar.

At this point, I am so far, so good with everything. The backstory works, recruiting Bilbo works. The Dwarven Dirge at the end of the dinner works. 'Chip the glasses, crack the plates, that's what Bilbo Baggins hates' is *chef's kiss* straight from the book. Love it.

Even the rest of this movie works pretty well. Yes, they have a detour to Rivendell (have to work Christopher Lee, Hugo Weaving, and Cate Blanchett into the story somehow, after all) and I'm not huge into the Dol Guldur subplot, but it is a legitimate subplot so I can't argue about it too much. The Goblins in the Misty Mountains, finding the ring, it all is great! I love it. Even the way this one ends, with them catching sight of the Lonely Mountain for the first time is just about perfect.

The next movie, The Desolation of Smaug isn't all that bad either. We get Beorn (Mikael Persbrandt), the spiders, and the Sylvan Kingdom. Legolas is back! (Orlando Bloom) and he's got a super cool Lady Friend, Tauriel (Evangeline Lilly). I think this is where it starts to go off the rails a bit for me-- not because I object to Tauriel as a character it's just that she deserves better. I get that these films are largely a sausage-fest. Honestly, apart from Galadriel and a few women from Lake-Town who have speaking parts that's about the size of the female presence in the movie. That is accurate to the source material, but we've got to be honest here: these movies aren't passing the Bechdel Test.

I think that's the crux of it for me. Tauriel feels like a character somebody in the studio thought should be shoe-horned in there. There's no Arwen/Aragorn romance in these books, so shoe-horn her in there and give her a love interest- in this case Kili (Aidan Turner.) Going to the character's Wikipedia page, we find: "The character does not appear in the original novel, but was created by Peter Jackson, Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh as an expansion of material adapted from the novel."

I have no idea what that means and I'm not sure they did either. And I know that all of this makes me sound vaguely like a neckbeard incel type, but seriously, watch these movies and tell me you don't agree: Tauriel deserved better.

Laketown/Esgaroth works well. No problems there. We meander about the Dol Guldur subplot a bit and The Necromancer is revealed as Sauron eventually Bilbo and the Dwarves break into the mountain, wake up Smaug, piss him off, and try and use his flames into melting a large gold statue to bury him alive in molten gold but that doesn't work and he flies off to Laketown very angry and ready to destroy the place.

This brings us to the third and final film, The Battle of Five Armies.

This is probably the weakest of the films because it feels like a third act masquerading as a movie. I mean, in one sense it is a third act, but it just simultaneously manages to feel overstuffed and underdone which is a neat trick, I'll grant you.

The biggest disappointment here is the Black Arrow. It wasn't a freakin' artillery bolt in the book! Seriously it's one of the best moments in fantasy literature. Bard is down to his last arrow, draws the Black Arrow and says, 'I hope to heck this works' (only better and more epic and Tokein-esque) and fires it and then the dragon crashes down with fire and destruction and Tolkein drops one of his best lines:

"And that was the end of Smaug and Esgaroth. But not of Bard."

They didn't get this moment right and it remains probably my biggest disappointment with this film trilogy. (Don't get me wrong: I understand why they sized up the arrow, I get all of that, but if there was one moment to go with the book as hard as you possibly can it was here and they didn't do it.)

Armies start gathering. The Elves find out the dragon is gone and head to the mountain, wanting their cut. Bard rallies the survivors of Laketown and heads to the Mountain wanting his cut. Azog and the Orcs are lurking nearby oh and, did I mention that Gandalf escapes from Dol Guldur and Galadriel drives Sauron out?

Then, all semblance of geography and time is cast aside and Gandalf crosses leagues in veritable blinks of the eye to arrive at the Lonely Mountain in time for the battle. (Gandalf also tries his hand at geopolitics by saying a Lonely Mountain dominated by orcs would open the way to the restoration of Angmar? Which if my Middle Earth Geography is correct is on the Shire-side of the Misty Mountain, right? I don't know. It didn't make sense to me.)

Inside The Lonely Mountain, Thorin spends far too much time being gold-sick but eventually recovers his sanity to join the battle.

Dain (Billy Connoly) arrives and he's riding not a warhorse but a War Pig. (Legit amazing casting here and it's delightful.)

Legolas and Tauriel also cast aside geography and time to travel to Mount Gundabad (the other stronghold of the orcs) to find it empty which means Bolg has another force on the way. They also manage to get back in time for the battle.

Then the battle happens. It's Peter Jackson, he's good at this and it... works more or less. It just goes on and on and on and the orcs arrive on wereworms, which seems like a cool and previously unknown method of transportation. Eventually, Thorin and Azog have it out and Thorin is fatally wounded. Kili is killed because Tauriel can't have nice things and deserves better. The Eagles arrive at the very end as they always do and bring Beorn and Radagast to the party and the orcs are all defeated.

The dwarves get their Kingdom back. Bilbo heads home to find that he's been declared dead and his stuff is being auctioned off. Legolas doesn't want to go back home with his Dad, so Thranduil recommends he seek out a range of the north who goes by the name Strider.

And that's more or less that.

Overall, I think the first one is genuinely good. I think the second one is good and I think the third one could have been condensed down or cut out entirely, but some parts were good, and parts that were not so good. I mean, the animated version of The Hobbit from back in the day managed to be one movie, I don't know why this trilogy couldn't have been two. My Grades: An Unexpected Journey *** out of ****, The Desolation of Smaug *** out of ****, The Battle of Five Armies ** out of ****.

[detective-inspector-her]

Please talk about the dynamics in the Fey AU it’s so fascinating

Fae AU it is!

So I've spoken about Valkyrie and the Fae themselves, but I haven't talked about the outside.

Gordon figured out that his niece had been replaced quite quickly but was unable to convince Desmond and Melissa. He went to Fergus and explained what happened, but Fergus was unable to think of anything they could do. Carol and Crystal overheard this conversation.

Gordon read this among many Fae stories and asked Skulduggery if it was a true event. Skulduggery confirmed that it was, though the names had been changed and when he remembered this, Gordon tried to follow this method to get Stephanie to leave.

Now, there's this story:

A YOUNG woman, whose name was Mary Scannell, lived with her husband not many years ago at Castle Martyr. One day in harvest time she went with several more to help in binding up the wheat, and left her child, which she was nursing, in a corner of the field, quite safe, as she thought, wrapped up in her cloak. When she had finished her work, she returned where the child was, but in place of her own child she found a thing in the cloak that was not half the size, and that kept up such a crying you might have heard it a mile off: so she guessed how the case was, and, without stop or stay, away she took it in her arms, pretending to be mighty fond of it all the while, to a wise woman, who told her in a whisper not to give it enough to eat, and to beat and pinch it without mercy, which Mary Scannell did; and just in one week after to the day, when she awoke in the morning, she found her own child lying by her side in the bed ! The fairy that had been put in its place did not like the usage it got from Mary Scannell, who understood how to treat it, like a sensible woman as she was, and away it went after the week's trial, and sent her own child back to her.

Stephanie, however, wasn't there for her own violation. Stephanie, like most of the Changelings that replaced Skulduggery's 'pets', didn't want to be there. At first, she wanted nothing more than to leave but was terrified of Skulduggery.

Slowly, she got used to her life and started loving it. She didn't want Valkyrie to come back and quite frankly, didn't believe Valkyrie was still alive.

About five years after Valkyrie was taken, Nefarian Drake was swapped with Nefarian Serpine. He took on the name Serpine so no Fae could take his name, but he was smart enough to know that Serpine probably had enemies. Nefarian was still a murderer, just not Skulduggery's family's murderer.

Of course, no one knows he's gone because Serpine is disguised as him, but the murders are done differently, attracting the attention of Remus Crux. He begrudgingly takes it to Gordon, who has written several stories about how stupid he is, and Gordon decides that Serpine is a Fae and later realises who he is.

Gordon takes a few weapons and meets Skulduggery in a spot he knew the Fae hung around a lot. They talk, Skulduggery confirms that a human took Serpine's place and before he leaves Gordon asks how Valkyrie is. Skulduggery walks away while humming merrily so Gordon assumes she's still alive and kicking.

Of course, Alice was born a year and a half before this happened and Gordon knows that Fae are watching his family due to rumours of their bloodline and its connection to the Fae world. He finally confronts Stephanie, who's grown comfy in her new life.

Stephanie promises to protect Alice in his place and when Gordon asks what she means, she attacks him on Skulduggery's orders. He fights back but is losing and before she manages to kill him, Carol rams into her and dies fighting Stephanie. Crystal watched the whole thing.

The murder is placed on Ian Moore who had attacked the family once before and beat himself up in his cell after a year of being stuck. It just so happened that he was in the area and actually coming after them.

A few months later, another swap is made. Oisín Auger Caddock's parents decided that their son didn't live up to their image and so made a deal with the Fae. They got a Changeling capable of living up to their standards, and the Fae got to keep their son.

Fortunately for him, the Fae they made the deal with was Fletcher, interrupting the worse kinds of Fae who'd have used him as a slave. He tells the child to pick a new name and he picks Omen. Fletcher introduces him to Valkyrie, who grows attached immediately.

Auger's first few weeks with the Caddocks are alright, but after a few months, he wants to go back due to their treatment of him. Unfortunately, because the deal was made by Fletcher who doesn't leave the Fae world often, he's trapped. He makes a few friends that make his life bearable though and he isn't malicious.

Another thing to mention is that while all of this is happening, Valkyrie still looks twelve, Fletcher has looked fourteen for years, and Omen will look seven. Fletcher is aware of this fact and deals with it in his own way but he knows Valkyrie won't take it well and keeps it from her.

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

[lunarsilkscreen]

TW: Handmaid's Tale and Anti-Abortion

TERFs view this piece of media as [trans women] marrying [gay men], and forcing [cis women] to give birth for them.

But they completely missed the [M. Night Twist] where the man in the relationship didn't want children, and may even have been infertile.

The question being asked on HmT is a simple one; should fertile women be forced to have children in the event that the birth rate in the country drops below a certain rate?

And if they are; why should women be forced into slavery, while men, who may themselves be the reason for the drop in birthrates, be exempted from such a hardship?

The show even explores which is preferable to [high society] depicted in this fictional world featuring a Conservative Christian Pol Pot-ian dynasty.

Because, of course; who else would twist the word of Christ to force servitude and enslavement of any kind on any person?

Abortion is this weird topic... People don't like it because they believe it is murder of one of God's finest creations.

Don't get me wrong; they're perfectly fine with [Prom Night Dumpster Babies] it's just the ones in the womb that they care about.

Anti-Abortion is inherently pro-murder of anyone who isn't already born. You just don't see that, because you haven't lived that life. It also forces the government to track women's bodies in this Orwellian nightmare, that tells them what their true duty is.

Not the duty God gave them; the gatekeepers of birth. The Duty that they should be subservient to men, and have a baby.

To which you're saying; "Nuh uh. That's not what it is at all, we're just trying to prevent people from sinning and having all the sex they want."

Correction; you're preventing cis women between the ages of 16 and 45 from having all the sex they want. It's why you can't stand the [gay sex] conversation, because it is an act which inherently can't be tracked without surveillance.

And this is crux of the matter; in order to be Pro-life/Anti-Abortion. You have an inherent interest in surveillance of Women's fertility cycles. Because how else would you know for sure that they had or did't have an abortion without walking into a Planned Parenthood clinic?

The coat hangar jokes are 100%, unironically, being repeated by school-children. Even the the Christian ones who claim [Pro-life]. It's always in the back of these children's minds as an ultimatum.

Because where would the mother and the child end up without support? If you lived in a family that would not support you getting pregnant before thirty?

One that threatened to kick you out of the house for becoming pregnant and then follows through on that threat?

Because the Immorality; isn't one of Pro-life. It's about control over who gives birth and when.

And if we're *ALREADY* tracking women's fertility rates, their ovulation cycles, and whether or not they might have gotten pregnant, which you then could arrest a women on the suspicious of getting pregnant....

At which point does that become; well; *YOU* need to give birth or society will fall apart? And further; your partner, or your baby daddy being picked *for*you.

Or worse; you had a one night stand, or sold some sex to make ends meet... And now, just as in the show; your legal punishment is to become some couple's sex toy.

I'm not kink shaming here, cuz that is some people's kink. It's not mine, or a lot of people's. But God damn have I heard too many people watching HmT saying "God I wish that were me..."

Yea, revulsion. I don't get it, and yet it exists. These people need to be taught about consent.

In the show, a woman is kept alive, braindead in a hospital, in order to simply be a [Phyrexian Birthing Pod].

That's the slippery slope for sure... And yet; a lot of conservative people, while complaining to hate the idea of 1984; seem to be all in on creating a 24/7 only_cucks for all women, so that they might be pimped out for not being sexually active.

Despite technological advancements that enable invitro, test tube babies, and even cloning, tech that should in theory create a *more free* world; creates this environment where "GOD INTENDED WOMEN TO SUFFER EVERY WAKING MOMENT SO WHO ARE WE TO QUESTION GOD? 🙏💓"

That doesn't sound very Christian-like... That sounds, for lack of a better word; like the communists [the definition that old people use during world instability] like the communists won.

Because what else does it sound like when a person's physical and/or property rights are taken by the government for public use?

[popculturebuffet]

OK KO Let's Be Heroes Halloween Review: Parents Day and Monster Party (Patreon Review by Emma Fici)

Happy halloween all you happy people! It's finally the crux of spooky season as we finish things off with a spooktacular at one of the many, many, manny, mannny, MANNNY, Mannnny, mannnnnyY, mAnNnNnNnNnY, man hey nony nony and a fuck you zaslov shows removed from HBO Max this year, courtesy of my pal Emma Fici. Is WBD and the regime before it being awful to this show the reason she commissioned this? No, I simply suggested it since she had me cover Ghoul School earlier this month and the timing couldn't be more perfect and threw in a surprise bonus episode entirley of my own volition. Is it a nice bonus that I both get to spotlight a show I genuinely love with a lot of my heart that got a raw deal and get to throw more shade at a company i've gone from genuinely loving and respecting to hoping badly gets taken out asap.

So let's watch the show under the cut shall we and see what spooky fun we can have as we both meet Enid's parents.. and in the sequel to that ep some old Ghoulfriends Drop by.

I"ve covered OK KO here before, but since this review is aimed at fans of the show, fans of Ghoul School who might not have seen it, and Emma who definitely hasn't seen it, a small intro is in order. Those of you who are familiar can go wait patiently in the pup tent. I have sent a concierge ahead for you

So in short: OK KO Let's Be Heroes! Was a late 2010's Cartoon Network show by Ian Jones Quarterly. Ian is a modern staple in the industry, having worked on venture bros for several years before moving on to Steven Universe, being one of the main creative forces behind the show alongside the show's creator, his friend, creative partner and eventually romantic partner Rebecca Sugar. He also voice acts both in his own show and in Bravest Warriors, another show on the ever escalating pile of shows I need to talk about.

While his other work is excellent, again the guy was the story editor for steven unvierse that should say enough on it's own, OK KO is really his magnum opus. It's a clear labor of love that naturally got shit on by cartoon network for the crime of having to premire earlier because HBO Max hadn't happened yet and being an action show on a network trying to stamp those out at the time, though given what we've seen with the reign of he who sucks dirty ass in thunderstorms, that woudl've been MARGINALLY better at best. My point is the show had a lot of love put into it, a passionate fanbase, vibrant animation and a wonderful premise we'll get to in a moment.. and got shat on for it. I try to be a forgiving person, but this is one thing I haven't quite let go for damn good reason.

So what's this show about anyway? Well it's simple and it's not: the world of OK KO is a world of heroes and villians, of any and all kinds, with most trying to be the best like no one ever does.. and many running buisnesses out of a strip mall, Lakewood Plaza Turbo. It's here we enter our title character: K.O., a small child of 6-10, which is how this show does ages, and it's every bit as hilarious and stupid as it sounds. He's the son of Carol, formerly Silver Spark of, the local Avengers/JLA/ JSA/Justice Pals/New Justice Team Equilvent, P.O.I.N.T. who now runs a ladies fitness dojo.

Wanting to be the best like no one ever was, KO seeks a job at Gars Bodega, ran by Carols old friend who still nurses an embarassing crush on her Mr. Gar, basically if Mike Haggar had cool shades and used to be a luchador instead of a WWF style wrassler. After some trials, trivales and Carol asking nicely, KO joins the Bodegamen becoming friends with the other far less motivated workers: Egotistical, buff, hannah barbera style alien with teleknesis that makes the old sound effect rad and Naruto style emo ninja enid.

In addition to the normal stuff: running the counter, mopping the deck which is navy for floor, and stocking boxes, they also reguarly have to fight the evil Lord Boxman, played by my dad and yours Jim Cummings who sadly isn't in these episodes, who regularly sends his stupid robot children to fight our heroes and wants to destroy the plaza because it's there. No really he can't stand the fact there's a hero place next door and has an entire episode going into withdrawls becaues he can't attack them for a day lest his investors drop him. Yes he has investors. Yes this show is wonderful

So now you know the plot there's plenty inbetween there and plenty of depth that really makes the show shine: Sure there's silly shenanigans from taking a genie in a soda bottle to court, to KO impersonating Rad for an episode simply by putting on alien antenna and Rad's nametag.. and Rad forgetting he asked for this leading to a Rad off, to a health week with tons of psas and the bots nursing KO back to health before he punches them while they all smile> This show can be utterly goofy and I love it… but there's also a deep backstory involving why Mr. Gar left point , a mysterious shadowy villian in the background and ongoing arcs.

The characters also undergo noticable and engaging character development: KO starts off fairly naive and while he remains optimstic learns from his mistake and slowly grows as a hero while grappling with his inner darkness.. aka an evil emo tweenager split personality what lives in his head, Rad grows from an obnoxious bro to the genuinelyc arring and kind person he is underneath and Enid slowly thaws her icy heart and lets others in. IT's a show with lots of warmth, character, and worldbuilding and I highly recommend it.

So with all that out of the way we can get to the actual episodes.. which are mostly self contained but I can't help ranting about what I love. They still contribute to Enid's character though, both focusing on who she is and her past and helping shade her in a bit. This first one wasn't requested, but I feel since their the only two episodes set at Enid's house and featuring her spooky family, they belong together. This also has a high possibility of being my last singular episode. Possibly. I might do the other crossovers, more on those later, at some point, but as a whole this series deserves it's own full on review which I intend to do I just have to finish venture bros and take care of a few patreon unlocked retrospectives first. But with how little time I have this may come before the amphibia review. Anyways onto the episodes!

Family Day

It's Family Day at the Plaza and Ko is so excited he had to be put in his car seat

Like even for 6 that's a lot.. though that's also the joke so touche Ian. Touche. Basically everyone in the Plaza Brings their parents to visit. The subtle joke that we see Drupe and Ms Mummy's mom, a sentient strawberry and a sentient mummy whose mom's somehow human because this universe found some way to make Tanis parentage even more confusing, despite neither working here at this point. Drupe just loiters outside for now and Ms Mummy lives in the back rooms. And of course as Carol points out she's here every day.

Still K.O.'s excited to meet his best friends parents and we do indeed quickly meet Rad's awkward parents, Ofrang and Theodosia. As I found out looking into Ian, Theodosia is named after his grandmother, Theodosia Okoh, who to my shock lived quite the life. She was a ghanian school teacher who designed the Ghana flag, became the first chair of the Ghana Hockey association and had a stadium named after her, and if I rmemeber right was the basis for Nana Fua, with both the Pizzas and Rad's family being based on Ian's experience as a first generation son of immigrants. As such Ofrang and Theodosia use blorp a lot and frequently embarass their son (and only rad everyone else knows their dope) with their talk of ray guys…

NO really they refrence this joke exactly. .. why did this show only run three seasons? This is a nice moment for Rad though. While he is frequently embarassed by his parents and grumbles with introducing them…. he still told them Parents day was happening, brought them and introduces them to KO. Keep in mind Rad at this point is in the politiest term possible "a fuckboy" who hangs out with a giant teenage baby and a walking armpit, which both sums up wht they are and their personalites. While KO's shown he has a heart beneath the air of obnoxious douche he puts on, it usually has to be dragged out of him. But here he brings his dorky awkard parents without any reservation, at most is exasperated in that sterotypical teen boy way. For him that's a lot. There's no ego or boasting, no Recess style attempt to replace his parents with cooler parents. Bringing his parents to the event is a low bar, sure, but the fact he cleared it without needing an entire episode to says a LOT.

No the one who didn't bring her parents is Enid, which does make sense: Enid is intensely private, with her pasts with Elodie (her best friend/possible giflriend who abandoned her for a shot at the big times and insulted her) and Rad himself (Who she had a crush on.. and who totally fucked it up by being an obnoxious cloud of axe bodyspray on the advice of aformentiond armpit and genetically modified baby), only coming out thanks to Elodie visting (Enid kicked her ass all over the plaza, though tthe two later properly reconcile next season. More on that when I get there some day), and Cupid forcing the issue respectively. Cupid in this universe is buff and dope as fuck by the way. I didn't NEED to mention that.. but I wanted to so here we are.

Enid claims their on a mission, nopes out of her shift (with Rad hilariously going "We have shifts?", as the show is not afraid of poking fun at itself), and thus KO and Rad decide to do the responsible thing.. and stalk their friend to her house to find out what she's hiding.

That would be unsettling.. if it wasn't so hilariously done with KO casually telling his mom "We're gonna go spy on enid" with a simple Kay from carol and Rad's dad giving him a ray gun.

Our heroes tail her in Rad's sweet van. Dendy, KO's stoic best friend his age and presumed future wife isn't in it this time which is weird. Maybe she had a piano recital. What they find shocks them as Enid's house is a mad monster mansion, enid dresses as a witch, and in his EXACT words, Rad tells us her parents are "A Hot Vampire and a Hot Werewolf". Which tells us Rad is bi.. as did the intensely homerotic dance battle that the crew entirely knew what they were doing with earlier in the season. This show is gay as fuck and I love it for that and about 100 other reasons

Naturally the trained ninja catches them spying on her.. but so do Enid's parents, so they get inside and Rad, being rad, naturally asks a bunch of questions about general spooky stuff such as skeletons in the closest to Wil ("We do but we don't like to talk about them") and bats in the belfry ("I do hang up there sometimes" ). Rad is back to being the shitlord we know and love and Enid can't stand it for understandable reasons. The boys even get invited to dinner, but not before meeting Enid's brothers boris and Icky, a frankenstien and a pumpkinhead respectively. Now you may be asking how the hell any of this works given Bernard's a Wolf, Wil's a Vampire, and their children are none of those things. And that's kind of the point. Sometimes the show has iron tight canon.. and other times it's world runs entirley on nonsense with little to no explination. It's part of it's charm: it knows when to properly explain shit and when to just have things be delightful cartoon nonsense, like the sun being a sentient being with sunglasses you can surivive being thrown into.

So the dinner is naturally our adorable monster couple showing off Enid's baby pictures.. and her dancing in a pizza for no reason while she prays for death btu death won't come. Meanwhile some ghosts hide bellow and decide they aren't getting enough attention so they plot to attack.

Naturally KO being a baby boy baby lets slip Enid's a ninja and her parents are again it, as "Ninjas aren't scary". And it's.. honestly hard to watch despite you know… it being two monsters complaning about their daughter being an anime ninja. While this is more hiding your career than say a sexuality or something, it comes off that way, with Enid being utterly terrified her parents know. Granted the most the two do is not be happy with it, but it's still sad to see two people who were perfectly happy turn on their daughter in an instant.. not too harshly but just enough.

Thankfully the ghosts posses her friends.. which usually isn't a godo thing but having to fight these two idiots not only shows off JUST how powerful B and Wil are… but allows Enid to say screw it, go into ninja mode and summon jutsu a giant shadow monster that whollops their asses in the most terrifying way possible, while Wil finishes the job by swallowing their souls.. and spitting them out. I mean the ghosts are their guests. Can't kill them and the most they did was run arround and do shenanigans. Their fine. They know not to fuck with Wil now.

What's nice though is that while , naturally Enid's parents now see Ninjas can be scary, the real nice line is them bemonaing how they coudl've been so "ignorant". I often forget tha tline but it's the thing that makes this episode work. Without it it just comes off as "oh well your talent is like us we like it now" and more them realizing they were wrong to not only not see it could be.. but to not let their daughter live their life. Totally cool with her being bi though. I mean it's been on her bike for ages, they know. Also she brought her girlfriend home so it's kind of a big sign. They hug, Enid decides to invite them and we ge ta suprisingly nice moment from Rad, who admits he was laughing sure, as he puts it "you know I express myself in the most obnoxious way possible" but he related, also being embarassed by his parents. It was in good fun. And Enid invites the two to visit some time.. you know when their invited and not following her home. That's creepy. Stop it. Happy end for all.

Monster Party

So we've come to the series halloween episode , one of two but the other I may save for th efuture, the full series review or just whenever. And with this we need to talk about the shows crossovers.

See crossovers don't happen a ton these days and when they do their with shows that are both on at the time or are in the same universe, like Steven Unvierse's classic crossover with uncle grandpa that should not have worked but is one of the series funniest episodes, or Milo Murphy's Law season 2 opening crossover with Phenias and Ferb… which hopefully will get it's own with hamster and gretel. Please.. I fucking need this please.

So it makes OK KO's crossovers stand out: Ian didn't entirely avoid contemperary crossovers, as Rad showed up on the shortly lived and underated Mighty Magiswords (ANOTHER victim of the Zaslav curse) for what ended up being it's finale, and Season 2 had the epic and worth it's own review Crossover Nexus, with KO teaming up with Garnet, Reboot!Ben Tennyson and GO!Raven to stop a generic villian and save CN City.. yes from those old promos.

But that last bit is what really defines Ian's crossovers: Ian goes for what he WANTS to crossover with no matter how weird it is often going back to the very begingings of cartoon network. As such KO met captain planet and WOULD have met Space Ghost had it not been for the tragic passing of George Lowe and Martin C Crocker, and later met Sonic the Hedgehog, a crossover that took until season 3 to get through Sega but thankfully happened. Maybe sonic MOnth next yeah hmmm? He even provided a finale to his early webcomic RPG World despite now resenting the thing, finding a healthy way to end it and give his main character Hero closure.

So while this crossover was a nice suprise, in the context of the show it's not. The real shock is that he pulled this off: that despite being in an era of Scooby Doo where they constantly tried to act like real monsters didn't exist, they let Ian do a whole episode on characters who surely did. Granted part of it was likely that Scooby, Shaggy and Scrappy are absent. The former two get mentioned offhand, and the latter is naturally persona non grata, but at least gets a spirtual mention as Rad does his own version of the scrappy rap. It's still amazing though as unlike the other crossovers which are just "our heroes happen to end up in a crossover and it's fun and stuff", this one, while having some small elements of that, weaves the girls into Enid's backstory. Had the show continued they could've shown up AGAIN based on this ep alone. It's one thing to have a crossover it's another to weld them to your universe but Ian got away with it and made it look flawless. Well almost. The episode has issues but makign the Grimwood Girls a part of Enid's backstory and old friends of hers isn't remotely one of them.

As for how our old friends get in here, it's fairly simple: Enid's enjoying a day off when her parents announce her old Ghoul School friends are visiting. They told her but well.. she was on her phone which i'd call a stupid teen sterotype.. but as a grown ass man I also often miss important stuff being on my phone or tablet, so fair play.

Enid is actually happy about it, only put out because she's in her day off clothes, and talks to Rad about it as she was already facetiming him. KO is also there hiding in Enid's pot, although given he's with Boris and Icky I theorize he was hanging out iwth them as he's everyone's friend, and just so happened to hear about Enid's old friends.

The show also does a good job explaning why despite being a friend of the girls Enid wasn't in the movie without her feeling forced into the backstory.. by simply using Enid's own backstory: Enid was at Grimwood before the film, but not being happy bein ga witch, she transfered to Lakewood where she could be her ninja self, and as Ashly Burch so brilliantly delivers it "Met the people who ruined my life, including your stinky butt". A mixed bag.

Rad HAS evolved to the poitn he's not fucking shit up intentionally.. but he still fucks shit up, bringing up how it'll be a shock Enid isn't a witch and get sin her head so we naturally get a "character pretends to be what their not episode".. which is EASILY the weakest part of this whole thing. Like even if they call her their witch, anyone whose seen Ghoul Schools knows these girls: Their acceptable, loving and kind. They'd be fine if she was a Ninja as it ends up bearing out. They accepted a 20 something jughead clone, a great dane and a smaller great dane who raps. They can accept a Naruto Ninja. So there's no real supsense or anything. Not only that as KO says

Enid has grown past needing to hide from people or being open with people, so this plot really dosen't work and feels like it was plotted out a season ago before the POINT Prep arc crystalized how far she came as a character.

Yet the episode works for the same reason the film did despite it's own flaws: The Girls. The Grimmwood Girls are every bit as kind, lovely and welcoming as they were int heir own movie and we get the same amount of spooky fun. Their older now which fits and also gives us ages for the older girls: mid-middle school, probably 7th or 8th grades as their slightly taller than enid in a flashback, which is done in the style of ghoul school, so likely when Enid was in 6th grade since most of her drama happened in 8th, so Enid either transfered mid-year or during 6th and as we saw the school takes most ages, though given the girls have left it they've either graduated or went on to ghoul high school. Either way I think it's neat. It's still vauge, the show loves vauge ages as we've established, but in a way that's easy to figure out. The Girls designs aren't touched much though, still looking like their iconic outfits just teenage versions, except for Tanis and Winnie who are still childrens since they were only 4 or 5 in the original. Elsa gets the biggest change having a longer flowier dress and more normal sandals instead of the platform ones from the movie, but their all great and they adapt to the OK KO art style easily.

One thing that's also barely changed.. is the voice actresses. Incredibly all but TWO Va's returned for this. This is shocking both because only one of them was all that active these days, and because Cartoon Network gladly paid the money for all of them. Not only that the only two that don't return are due to circumstances beyond th eteam's control: Marilyn Scheffler sadly died, so Natalie Palimedes steps up as winnie while Patty Maloney was retired due to injuries discussed last time, and thus Kristin Li stepped in as Tanis. BOth do a great, job and I could only SLIGHTLY tell with Tanis and still had to look up who was replaced. Susan Blu, Pat Musick and Russi Taylor all return, all stepping back into their old rolls like the 80's were yesterday. Russi in paticular was INCREDIBLY lucky as she sadly passed on the year after this episode aired. It shows her talent that much like Teen Donald that same year, you coudln't tell how bad her health was and her delivery was as good as ever. I truly miss her and i'm greatful she got to play Phanty one last time.

The five characters feel like they never left us, being just as joyful, full of puns and happy. The episode works so well because while Enid was rectonnced into the group, she serves as as stand in for us: someone who hasn't seen these girls for a very long time and are utterly happy to see their old friends again, vibrant as ever with all their old quirks, sibella's hair cape and winnie using all fours in tact

We also get to see the girls be badass, as clearly like many of us Ian wasn't really happy with how the whole last act went down, and shows just what the girls are capable of after years of extra honing of their powers with the episodes best scene: the monster showcase, with the girls deciding to show off all their powers. Their funny, charming and entirely badass: Winnie makes a replica of Michealangelos david in seconds with her claws tazzmanian devil style, Tanis casually reads while lifting up Enid's Parents Doom buggy WITH Ko and Iggy inside with ONE strand of her hair, phanty posses Ko for a sec and makes him do a jig, and Elsa shocks herself with a kite

Sibella easily wins the show though, revealing that in addition to her old bat form she can now create a SWARM of bats, usese them to create a stage mid air and dances with a gentleman also madeo ut of bats.. before going all red eyed and fangy and eating his head whole

Like she was always the strongest of the group, but god damn. Also Phanty is just.. so fucking enamored the whole time. I didn't think i'd be shipping these two but here we are.

While KO chastises Rad for hecking up… though he's in Jail so he's thankfully been punished for his hubris, it's a whole runner, Enid tries doing a spell but it's been so long since she tried magic, she can't remember them and brings a tree to life.. that eats the children.

Enid is forced to admit her shame.. and while against his plot dosen't work for me the resolution is as obvious.. as it is Grimwood. The girls are not only utterly HAPPY for enid being a nInja.. but always knew, her having dropped her manga in said flashback which we go back to and all it getting out of Phanty is a "oh that makes sense" before they all smiled. THey love enid for Enid not being a witch just as they love scrappy for scrappy and not being a dope ass rapper. They all hug.. then kick a tree's ass as a team. Seriously give these girls a spinoff I beg of you. i get Warner isn't making good decisions but come the fuck on. Phanty posseses it, elsa pries the kids out, and enid uses her shadow possesion jutsu to stop the tree while Sibella rescues the girls and swallows the tree's soul, all cuimlating in rad arriving from the moon in time to lay out rhymes. All in all a fantgastic episode> is it perfect. No but can it entirely coast on reuniting all these amazing characters and having a ton of heart and charm just like the original film? Hell yeah. Consider joining my patreon, follow for more reviews, thanks for reading.. and Happy Halloween!

[unbridgeabledistances]

hi❣️❣️ so this morning i saw this post by @emsemotional and i haven’t stopped thinking about it!!! so here is a soft & short pre-s11 ficlet about gallavich getting high together <3

--

Sometimes Ian would come home so tired after a long day of work— aching limbs, a buzzing brain too syrup-heavy after lifting boxes and pushing carts and stumbling through idle conversation with middle-aged coworkers—to really think about anything other than pushing one foot in front of the other through the creaky front door, anything other than pulling himself up the stairs with a firm grip on the railing and collapsing face-first onto the bed.

Usually Mickey was already there, sprawled on the bed like a kid at a sleepover, watching some dumb video on his phone, ending a hard day of whatever the fuck Mickey was up to these days since the lockdown started, since Mickey had cloistered himself away within these four walls after the wedding. It was a reaction to the pandemic, sure— but it was maybe also a reaction to the breezed-by attempted shootout of their floral-scented honeymoon suite, a reaction to the world feeling a little more looming and frightening now that Ian and Mickey were married, yes, but so much of the home that Mickey had known before he’d been locked up was gone, replaced by shiny new apartment complexes and organic grocery stores.

Ian wasn’t going to question it— this lockdown shit was hitting him hard too, was grinding down on his hard-fought sense of stability and rhythm and pressing in on his grand notions of work ethic and savings and finding a place, somewhere, for the two of them someday. It seemed like since the wedding, shit in general had only gotten worse and worse— he and Mick were fine, they were existing, but something about a global pandemic stopping the roller coaster on its tracks as it headed up the mountain, leaving them suspended, had torn something irreparable in them both— they weren’t going to go back to that shiny-faced, post-wedding bliss that Ian had wanted to savor forever.

He’d give anything to go back to that time between then and now, between whenever they returned from their honeymoon and whenever he’d developed a now-permanent slouch in his shoulders from long days at a dead end job, and a scruffy five o’clock shadow that he didn’t really have the energy to deal with both when he came home from work and when he crawled out of bed at 5 in the morning before sunrise, shifting out from under Mickey’s hand that always rested with a solid weight on Ian’s chest as he slept. Today, Ian fully expected to turn the corner into their room to that same habitual evening scene—Mickey laying there on his stomach, brows furrowed in the same permanent lingering discontent that they both seemed to be harboring these days, watching a video of some outdated trend blasting at full volume.

Instead, Mickey was seated in the bed, a pillow smushed between his back and the wall, hair ruffled and eyes bleary like he’d just woken up. He was wearing a dark tank top, the neck damp with the summer humidity trapped in the room that could barely escape through the narrow window— and he had a packet of rolling papers in his hand, a grinder beside him on the bed, his eyes drifting up and then back down to his task as Ian entered the room.

“You just get up?” Ian tried to keep his voice measured, tried to bite down any edge of resentment.

Mickey’s eyes flickered up again from where he was silently rolling the blunt in a tight cylinder, then freed a hand to flip Ian off.

“Was fucking napping. Still on my honeymoon, man.”

Ian rolled his eyes, letting out a little puff of air through his nose, but he kept his mouth shut— this was it, the whole crux of their problem these days, that they were both taking this shitshow of a situation very differently. Mickey was allowed to sleep the day away in his grungy threadbare bathrobe if he wanted to— in the same way that Ian was allowed to get up at the crack of dawn and leave him alone at the house all day, was allowed to be up his ass about money and expenses and “financial planning.” The world was burning around them, was tilting off-kilter— and they both had different ways of finding a rope to grab on to, of keeping their feet on solid ground.

Mickey was lifting the paper to his tongue now, then sealing it shut with practiced fingers. Mickey had always been good at rolling blunts—he was always patient and methodical in a way that Ian rarely was with shit like this, shit that felt meaningless and the aesthetics unnecessary. Mickey was still looking downward at the rolled cylinder in his fingertips; maybe because he was focused on his task, or maybe because they were out of practice being around each other since Ian had started his job. He barely made eye contact with Ian as he stretched to grab a lighter off the nightstand and doused the end of the blunt in flames with one fluid movement.

Ian shook off his sneakers, walking over to perch on the edge of the bed and watching as Mickey inhaled deeply and let his head sink back against the wall. Part of Ian, flaring up as a small twinge in his stomach, felt oddly jealous— how could Mickey be so fucking chilled out right now, while so much was uncertain and Ian was working his ass off to keep a roof over all of their heads?

And still. That wasn’t fair. Deep down, Ian knew that.

Mickey finally shifted his gaze upwards after taking another hit, tapping the blunt against the rim of a mug that they kept on the nightstand as an ashtray— and then reaching the smoldering cylinder out to Ian, who was still sitting on the side of the bed like a stranger who’d stumbled into the room. Mickey’s arm reached out— a contrast of rough hands and tattooed knuckles that delicately pinched at the filter, tilted at a practiced angle over the linen blanket.

It struck Ian that this was a peace offering—they’d been so close yet so distant for weeks, sleeping pressed together at night but mostly traveling in their own orbit. This outstretched hand was Mickey wanting to share an experience, a moment in which Ian could breathe—a moment that Ian could let him in rather than putting up walls of demands and stress, looking through Mickey rather than at him as he headed out the door.

And knowing this, Ian reached outwards, fingers fumbling on the paper.

It had been a while since Ian had smoked—the first few weeks of quarantine they’d pretty much been constantly high, alternating between sleeping and smoking and fucking and smoking again. But after a while, the doubts and the demands started lurking in, and the space of their bedroom felt too constricted, too close. Ian had lifted himself out of that space, finding a job and ending their days cocooned in the bedroom together— and Ian hadn’t really let himself deflate since then.

Mickey was content to stay in this comforting space behind closed doors, and Ian let him— Mickey hadn’t had a place like this, a place to lay and get high and watch videos on his phone, for years at this point.

Ian took his first drag, and felt the bitter smoke linger at the back of his throat before blowing it outwards. He let out a dry, sputtery cough, one that started in his throat and seemed to end in his ribcage, making him hack again and again— and Mickey let out a disbelieving laugh, lighter than Ian expected, and reached over for the bottle of tepid Gatorade that was sitting on the nightstand.

“Fuckin’ lightweight, man.”

Now it was Ian’s turn to flip him off, swigging back the Gatorade with tears burning in the corners of his eyes.

Mickey just chuckled again, and plucked the blunt out of Ian’s fingers.

And— fuck. How long had it been since Ian had let himself feel like this, loose-limbed and heavy-headed? He wasn’t even sure if the weed had hit yet, or if it was some Pavlovian response to the act of smoking, of inhaling deep and feeling his belly expand amid the humidity hanging heavy in the room— but instantly Ian felt the trickling in of a pleasant buzzing in his brain, of the warm and floaty release of his clenched shoulderblades, the fuzzy warmth of starry-eyed admiration as he turned his head and watched his husband take another hit, blowing curls of smoke out of his pink mouth in an exhale.

Ian must have been staring for a second too long, eyes lingering on the contours of Mickey’s jawline as the cloud of smoke dissipated in front of him, because Mickey turned and furrowed his brows.

“The fuck’re you looking at?”

Ian just smirked to himself, causing Mickey’s forehead to crease even deeper—but he held out the blunt again, and Ian took it, reaching over to give Mickey’s knee a light squeeze in thanks. It was better this time, breathing the heavy air into his lungs, letting it out with a sigh. He was definitely feeling the actual weed now, the feeling soft as cotton that made everything a little easier, a little lighter.

Mickey was definitely there too, slouching back against the pillows and lazily flicking through his Spotify library to find something to let drift through the room through the tinny speaker of his phone— usually he’d play some sort of weird ass techno music that neither one of them actually listened to, or some sort of mellow pre-made Spotify playlist that Mickey would only stoop to listening to when he was high out of his mind.

It felt like there was a heavy blanket wrapped around Ian’s body—warm and liquid, keeping him weighted on the bed. And without really thinking, he let himself slump down farther on his side, slouching down onto Mickey’s shoulder. At first, Mickey stiffened at the unexpected touch— then Ian felt his shoulderblades relax, his body soften as they laid leg to leg, arm to arm.

Tentatively, Ian fumbled until his fingertips tangled with Mickey’s, until they were slotted just right— the movement felt like it took multiple minutes, like they were suspended and swimming through time.

Mickey peered to look at their clasped hands. “Gay,” he huffed out under his breath before bringing the blunt to his lips again.

Ian snickered, like that was the funniest shit he’d heard in weeks—because honestly, it was. They’d been drifting apart, on separate edges of a jagged faultline— except now Mickey was here, his same grumbling self, and their bodies were pressed together, and they were warm, warm, warm.

Ian buried his face in Mickey’s neck, continuing to laugh until he felt a dull ache in his abdomen. After what could have been an hour for all he knew, Ian finally peered his head up again— Mickey was tracing a pattern up and down his arm, eyes half-open and listening to the music, until he turned to Ian with a bemused expression. “You good?”

“Do you want a snack?”

Mickey rolled his eyes. “You sound like you’re fuckin’ babysitting Franny right now.”

“Well, I want a snack. So I’m gonna go downstairs and get one.”

“M’not fucking getting up, man.”

Ian poked Mickey in his side. “C’mon.”

Begrudgingly, Mickey let Ian pull him up by his elbow, rubbing at his eyes like a sleepy toddler and stubbing out the blunt that was still in his hands, letting it fall into the mug.

They crept down the stairs to the moonlit kitchen— Ian had a fleeting thought that they probably thought they were being stealthier than they were, given how he kept feeling like he was about to stumble over his own feet—and Ian flung open the kitchen cupboard, rifling around for a half-eaten bag of Doritos on the top shelf.

“Stop slamming shit, Franny’s sleeping.”

Ian perched on the edge of counter, Mickey hoisting himself to sit next to him,  and Ian placed the chip bag between them, letting them eat in a comfortable silence. Ian forgot how fucking hungry he always got whenever he was high— he and Lip used to creep down the front staircase after sharing a joint and blowing the smoke out the cracked bedroom window, eating fistfuls of whatever bargain junk food was in the cabinet. Ian felt a sudden softness that this silly childlike ritual, in this home— this belonged to Mickey now, too.

Ian noticed a bit of cheese dust on Mickey’s chin, and he licked at his thumb and smeared it away without thinking. Mickey immediately swatted at his chest, ducking away and bristling like a cat that didn’t want to be pet.

“Stop treating me like a fuckin’ five year old!”

Ian felt his shoulders shake with laughter— one wave, then another, and all of a sudden he was laughing again for no fucking reason at all, laughing because it felt good and warm and spread through his belly. Mickey rolled his eyes; but a grin was cracking through, sloping the corner of his mouth upwards.

“I’m never getting high with you ever again,” Mickey breathed it in a chuckled exhale. “You’re getting too fuckin’ old to handle this shit, your eyes are all red and everything.”

Ian shoved him back in the chest. “I’m not a fucking lightweight.”

“Mhm.”

Ian hopped off the counter, dropping the crumpled Doritos bag back on the shelf and slamming the cabinet shut again with an alarmingly loud whack that resounded through the kitchen and made Ian jump— and this time Mickey was laughing, and Ian was slumping forward against Mickey’s shoulder again, leaving a damp spot on the shoulder of his t-shirt where tears sprang up and spotted.

And then the moonlight softened; Mickey began to run a hand up and down Ian’s back, from sternum to spine to shoulder blades and back again— and Ian was suddenly reaching his hands for Mickey’s hips, reaching through the haze of dark cotton and softness around them. Now it was just blood rushing against blood, sweaty skin pressed together against the cool linoleum of the counter. Ian’s head dipping down, dropping kisses and pulling gentle bites of teeth on skin— Mickey pulling in breaths of air and doing the same, leaving scalding marks with lips that Ian could feel echoing and rattling in his entire body.

They made their way upstairs, wading in the darkness, wading against each other, bodies floating— landing on soft bedsheets, tugging and giving way.

[dreamylyfe-x]

something i’ve always wondered about, is if Ian hadn’t “goaded” mickey to come out in 4x11, how would they have continued from there. if ian had listened to Mickey and gone home, everything still gonna change. With Terry out of prison, Mickey’s probably not able to be living with Ian, and we’ve already seen that Svetlana doesn’t have any issue with blackmailing him to get what she’s wants, so mickey’s gonna have to spend a lot more time playing husband and father, and a lot less time with Ian, something I think he is very aware of. Mickey, otoh, is always in “survival” mode, so he’s not really thinking that far, he’s just thinking “get ian out of here, deal with him later, get through this night with Terry, don’t die”. Then his motivation turns to keeping ian. I feel so awful for mickey when i think about this episode, the look of panic when terry walks in and the way he immediately rushes to get yev.

Yes! This was the crux of my argument in my original defence of Ian in 4x11. It matters a WHOLE lot that Terry is out of jail. It changes absolutely everything. And it's dangerous for Mickey to come out, but it's also dangerous for Mickey to go HOME. Mickey is pretending everything is fine and it's just not.

I'd go as far as to say this isn't Mickey not thinking ahead so much as it's Mickey in denial. I definitely agree that it's a survival instinct, but I think that instinct is helping him pretend this is FINE. @deanie1987 very rightly pointed out the other day that Ian is very naive about this -- thinking that it'll work out, without actually knowing what the path is. Mickey's denial generates its own version of this. Mickey is moving forward like everything is fine when it most definitely isn't.

That moment where he spins away from Ian when Terry walks in is one of my favourite Shameless moments of all time -- and one of my favourite Noel moments, too. You FEEL his desperation. It's always struck me that it comes directly after he says "what you and I have makes me free. Not what these assholes know." The reason we don't see Ian's response is because he's cut off by Terry coming through the door. Because Mickey can't actually engage in this conversation now because it's too dangerous.

The other thing to consider about where it goes from there if Ian does leave and Mickey doesn't come out, is what happens to Ian next. @whaticameherefor pointed this out when I was doing my 4x11 posts -- Ian crashes the VERY next day. So if that's inevitable, it changes what this all looks like for Mickey. It really does feel like, no matter what, they're at a crisis point. And Mickey is always going to have to decide how far he's willing to go to keep Ian. Nothing about that situation is sustainable.

[sloshed-cinema]

The Golden Compass (2007)

‘member how Lord of the Rings came out, was pretty great, and then subsequently ruined fantasy for the next decade as studios drew the wrong conclusions and frantically rushed to put out sloppy adaptations of other fantasy series?  Because I sure do.  This week we look at a trio of offenders in order of decreasing shittiness.  Ironically, all three are anchored by a villain performance by a pedigreed actor which saves the movie in… some form or other.  Take that as you will.

After this abortive attempt at adapting His Dark Materials and the increasingly diminishing returns of the BBC One-HBO television program, it is becoming apparent that Phillip Pullman’s daring and controversial trilogy is, bafflingly enough, unfilmable.  Certainly the increasingly epic scope, interweaving plot threads, and strange imagery of The Amber Spyglass make the final installment a daunting prospect.  But not impossible.  And by that line, Northern Lights is downright child’s play, elegant in its simplicity.  In the case of this New Line big-screen adaptation, the failure comes in how it neuters not only the central crux of the conflict but also the emotional heart of the narrative.  In an effort not to rock the boat, the Authority is barely mentioned, and references to any sort of Church are restricted to a mustache-twiddling Magisterium.  Heresy is bandied about, but it’s all painted in broader strokes.  In and of itself, this isn’t, perhaps, outright terrible.  It’s silly to adapt something but shy away from its central concept.  But not entirely unheard of.  More galling is the lack of emotional connection.  In the novel, the discovery of post-Intercision Billy Costa is a gut punch, something that brings tears to this lush’s eyes even after repeat readings.  Here, it barely has a moment to land before we have to rush on to the next plot point.  So fixated is it on the practicalities of getting through the material, that any and all atmosphere is sucked away.  It’s as if the film had its dæmon cut away.  Everything is sterile and vacant, lacking in any true warmth or genuine fear.  It’s as if the film had its dæmon cut away.

The casting choices are probably the sole saving grace of this film.  Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig were absolutely the right calls for Coulter and Asriel, and they bring to it the best of what they can given the script.  Daniel Craig is terse and prickly as Asriel, but his eyes belie so much more going on in his interactions with Lyra.  Nicole Kidman, meanwhile, plays the perfect sociopath, struggling in her maternal drive.  Ruth Wilson might be a bit more raw in her turn, but that version pushes Coulter more in the direction of outright self-abusing villain, especially in the latter portion of the current season.  It would have been interesting to see how this cast could have completed the arc with a more assured hand at the helm and less studio meddling.

THE RULES

PICK ONE

Select either DUST, DÆMON, or GOBBLERS and sip whenever that word is spoken.

SIP

Intercision is mentioned.

Lyra tells a lie.

Pantalaimon changes form.

BIG DRINK

Someone says ‘heresy’.

An exposition dump begins.

Lyra reads the Alethiometer.

Ian McKellen says HWARRRRRR like Mike Stoklasa (yes, it should be a drinking game)

[hellyeahheroes]

Why the Big 2 is hard to get into

This is something I wanted to write in response to @thankskenpenders who answered an ask regarding how the Big 2 is hard to get into compared to Archie Sonic(which mostly sucked up until Ian Flynn took over and even then was burdened by encyclopedic lore) and IDW Sonic(which is great and you should read it). They,don’t know their pronouns, say that the big 2 is costly and hard to get into thus alienating newcomers. I hate this argument because it’s true, and also doesn’t account for what both companies do to mitigate that or it overemphasizes the shared universe of Marvel or DC. So I want to write this post to help people who feel overwhelmed about pursuing this hobby.

First, newcomers are not supposed to tag along with characters with decades of lore and backstory because doing so is daunting. And this is where the differences between Marvel and DC.

Marvel doesn’t do reboots or they prefer soft reboots in that the previous lore happened but they rather change the tone and focus of said character. Yes, you could read from Amazing Fantasy #15 and all of Amazing Spider-Man volumes and Spectacular Spectacular Spider-Man and Web of Spider-Man to now, and it will be one long continuous story. Drawbacks is that it’s hard to just jump in but Spidey is a character in which the framing device doesn’t involve a lot of benchmarks in Peter Parker’s life. Yes shit happens but the comic doesn’t make the big shit not be impactful. Marvel has done retelling of the same story but again, those are either gimmick what if’s or widget universes or a modern retelling. The latter doesn’t last long and the former only reflects a periods.

DC does reboots or convoluted excisions of characters and concepts. Case and point, New 52 Reboot. The issue is that no one forgets that continuity that was retconned because it was written and experienced. And ignoring that history only makes it more apparent that the writer and/or editors had a bias. More on that subject for another post because I don’t want to get on a tangent.

Point is that new readers are supposed to hop on newer books that are explicitly made for new characters. Marvel does this better than DC. Instead of reading the convoluted history of the X-Men, new readers were supposed read books with the newer X-Men. Or instead of reading the 60 year history of Peter Parker’s adventures, you either picked up Ultimate Spider-Man or start with Miles. Don’t read the Avengers. Read the Young Avengers or the Champions or whatever. The issue is that Marvel does little to market those characters except for Miles Morales. Or they wait way too late to do so and opt to give media deals to characters who do not need the exposure to the kids that would be interested in their stories. Now Into the Spider-verse was a gift that came about because Lord and Miller read Miles Morales and became fans. Marvel had no intention of making a Miles Morales focused piece of media. It’s why they didn’t market the movie when Black Panther came out. And that’s the rub here. There characters that are made for newcomers aren’t focused on and you have to dig deep to know about them.

Not even going to tackle DC for fear of having an aneurysm covering their stupid shit.

Point is that you aren’t supposed to or expected to know everything in the DC or Marvel Universes. Both companies are aware of the entry gate and have means to superseded.

Another thing that is overstated is the shared universe aspect. You can ask any fucking comic reader of the Big 2 and no one will actively say with their whole heart that they keep track of fucking everything. I am Spider-Man fan who has read like 500 issues of Amazing Spider-Man, a couple of dozen of Spectacular, and all of Ultimate and Miles Morales, and never once have I needed to know what the Avengers were doing. Or what the X-Men were doing. Or what the Fantastic Four we’re doing. Or fucking Doctor Strange who Peter apparently went to school across the street from. Generally if you follow a character or just a title and stick with it, interactions with other characters are limited and are treated as guest appearances. And that is the same with title or character in Marvel. DC is mostly the same way. Most readers just pick an idiot and stay with that idiot.

But I suggest new readers look for those gate entries when presented them. New character getting a book is introduced? That is your train! Do not miss it. A reboot or retelling that isn’t a soft reboot? Jump on that shit and hold on tight because the shit might not last long.

Which brings me to the crux of the argument: why it’s hard to get into? Honestly, it has to do with fans not letting shit go. The most egregious example is the X-Men. Legacies refuse new characters in favor of the old ones who no longer have stories to tell. They never develop nor change. They become static characters that only exist as avatars for power fantasies that eschew the original point as to why they were created: to be fresh or to be different and to be all-new. In some situations, newer characters are sacrificed to create drama for the old guard or the older characters canabalize of the stories of the newer characters to remain fresh. Peter Parker is the biggest offender as of late of the latter. On top of the over reliance of those old characters and preserving those stories, it becomes a quagmire of pages and quotes and panels.

So yeah. It sucks out here and this is why I largely stayed away from the Big Two fandom. But yeah. Here you go.

@ubernegro

[spaceorphan18]

Do you think the writers’ obsession with Rachel/Lea meant that they spent so much more time with her plot, building her up at expense of others, when they could have given more attention and glory to maybe Kurt , Mercedes or Santana?

I often think some of her solos would have fitted other people’s stories. Can you think of any?

You know, I don’t get a whole lot of Rachel related questions, so I don’t believe I’ve ever talked about this exact idea before? 

I think this is one of those things that due to our specific Klaine focused lens gets misconstrued a little.   Did Ryan Murphy have an affinity for Lea Michele? Yes, in that he created Rachel Berry around Lea Michele -- because Ryan gets it in his head about an idea, and he does become obsessed with that idea.  And Ryan’s obsession was once Lea Michelle.  (They were close once, are they still? I don’t know, I don’t follow either.) 

But I’m going to say this -- each of the writers had characters that they felt akin to.  Brad Falchuk had Will and Finn.  I honestly don’t know who Ian had -- but I’m guessing it was Will or Finn, too.  Ryan had Kurt, to the extent that Kurt was a gay kid struggling with his sexuality as a teen -- but that’s about where the similarities end.  More so -- Ryan had Rachel Berry -- a socially awkward, ambitious girl who was often ridiculed by her peers by the mean girls, and really just wanted to date the hot jock.  

Everything Rachel goes through, in a way, is a reflection of Ryan Murphy telling his high school story -- in a way that he gets to tell all those popular kids to fuck off because he’ll always be the more successful one.  

It’s not about not liking Kurt or Mercedes or Santana, it’s about making sure Rachel gets to be on top because Ryan wants to show the world that he is on top.  

But also, it’s good to remember that like Will and Finn, Rachel is a main character -- and /the/ main character after Will’s story fades to the background, and especially when Finn is no longer around.  A lot of season one is spent parallelling Will’s story to Finn’s, but also to Rachel’s.  And even as new (and arguably more interesting) things came about -- they always wanted to make sure they were telling Rachel’s story, because that was always the crux of the story --- whether we liked the story they were telling, or other characters, or not.  

Let’s talk about Kurt, Mercedes, and Santana then.  

1. Kurt’s story grew on accident.  He wasn’t a part of the original script -- but Chris Colfer came in and blew them all away.  And then society wanted to talk about the gays and bullying and Kurt blew up in a way that wasn’t expected.  By the time the writers really understood what they were dealing with -- Kurt’s story became less his, and more about being tied to Rachel.  Ironically, he was “upgraded” to main character status, only to end up as a sidekick in someone else’s story.  Thankfully, he still was allowed some things for himself.  

But -- it was never the intention for any of those more background characters to ever grow as big as Kurt did.  So, as much as we might complain for lack of Kurt here and there (and we most definitely did), Kurt’s story actually grew as the show went on.  

I will say -- being tied to Rachel did have its consequences, he often ended up her emotional prop, and he had setbacks while she was handed things.  But his struggles ended up making him the much more engaging, layered, and relatable character.  

2. Mercedes story was shortchanged not necessarily because of Rachel (though they continued to have the issue of Mercedes taking a backseat to Rachel because the writers only know how to write one sort of conflict, and reused it over and over and over), but because they didn’t really know how to write women -- and black women in particular.  

We all love Mercedes, and understand that she’s an awesome and important character.  The writers -- they just didn’t know what to do with her except have her act sassy.  They liked Amber Riley, and understood that she was talented, but what do they know about being a black woman? Not a whole lot.  And that comes through.  It’s not surprising when she’s one of the characters they graduated off into oblivion only to come back for special appearances.  

3. Santana’s story grew because the fandom wanted more of her.  Like Mercedes, they didn’t really know what to do with Santana, other than make her a villain and have her grow out of it a big only to have her regress again.  But because she was a better foil than Mercedes for Rachel, and because sassy, Latina lesbian trumped sassy black lady, she gets to come back (even though they wrote her off too -- I kind of wonder when the decision was made to have Naya return, hmmm).  

Again, I don’t think it was necessarily because of the obsession with Rachel.  I think it was more so that Santana fit a certain role they were trying to fill, and didn’t allow her that often to move from it.  Like Kurt, she grew in popularity, and the writers understood this and grew her part, but it wasn’t necessarily, specifically because of Rachel.  

***

I’m interested in your thoughts about the second question? Glancing through her solo list, I can’t say that anything stands out to me as something that would be better sung by someone else.  Did you have something in mind? What do other people thing? 

[lifeisadoozy]

sharing a short dousy video edit i made.

i don't know why but i really like this and thought i'd share it on here too.

should i rant about what goes in my head while making this video? no. will i? yes.

basically the song is beginning middle end by leah nobel from to all the boys i've loved before part 3. this song is basically about two people falling in love from the early years of their lives. since lara jean and peter met when they were kids. but then started (fake) dating in high school and their adventure together started right then and there. anyway, watch the movies if you haven't already. this song fits lara jean and peter so well (i don't know if it was written specifically for them or not).

but daisy and sousa didnt meet when they were kids because of one obvious reason: when daisy was a kid, sousa's dead; and when sousa was a kid, daisy hadn't been born yet. they weren't supposed to meet. so their journey started off separately.

daisy's beginning in shield was rocky, to say the least. but she found a home there with coulson, fitzsimmons and may (i'll get to ward) in season 1. they bonded quite quickly, mainly daisy skye and coulson. i think it shifts when she got shot by ian quinn. everyone in the team, especially ward was terrified and angry at the situation. now. she had a relationship with miles early on in the season, which was broken off. but within the context of the song, her beginning was ward. he was her s.o. she was falling for him when she uncovered that he's hydra. add that trauma to the ones she already had prior to shield. no wonder she has trust issues.

her middle was her powers. even though the story started early in the series, it's still the middle. because she struggled with her powers throughout seasons 2 - 5. the middle would always be the bulk of it all. it's where everything happens. it's the crux of a character, of a person. it's where daisy became daisy. now, in the middle of her middle (pun very much intended), was lincoln. the first inhuman who helped her and understood her. i'm sure they've got their own problems and everything, but it doesn't change the fact that he was someone who knew what she's going through. none of her found family could help her the way he could. this is where i think it gets interesting. seasons 2 - 5, where i said was her middle, and basically the peak/climax of daisy as a character, she was falling for and fell for lincoln. it was known that daisy was still in love with lincoln in season 5. possibly around 2 years after he died. but then we found out that she had moved on from lincoln in the beginning of season 6.

season 6 and 7 is the end of her journey with the team. they're still a family. just a family who occassionally see each other. now in season 6, like i mentioned previously, it was acknowledged that daisy had moved on. the past will always be with her, no doubt. the trauma would stick. hopefully just bits and pieces. but it would still be there until she either had alzheimer's, dementia, any other retrograde amnesia injuries or diseases, or the day she died. she would never forget lincoln or ward, heck even miles. she won't forget her past. unless it was taken away from her. so, back to the topic at hand, she wanted her own fitz. she had grown from the woman she was in the beginning, she had grown from the woman and superhero that she was in the middle. she knows who she is now. with the people she worked with. and the people she calls her family. and also with anyone. daisy's ending was perfect (to me at least). she wasn't looking for love right then and there. she was burnt one too many times. but she wanted that kind of love and support. the love and support that fitz and simmons have for each other. something that daisy lacked all her life. she ended up with someone who gave her what she wanted. and what she needed.

with sousa, it's a little different. because we didn't get to see much of his background and family life. we didn't get to know what his life was like during the war and before the war. we begin to see him in the ssr. we all knew, literally everyone knew, even the characters knew that sousa's practically in love with peggy. except for maybe peggy herself. but i'm sure she had an inkling. she definitely had an inkling. but then things go on and he became chief of the west coast office and he was in los angeles while peggy was in new york. he moved on (or so we thought). he started dating violet and was ready to marry her. he told her he loved her. and he did. it's just that he was also in love with peggy. still. and violet saw that. it's as clear as day. and they broke it off.

we didn't get to see much of sousa's middle. mainly because ac wasn't renewed for a third season. which was such a waste because it ended with so many things left unanswered. but we know that between 1947 - 1955, peggy and sousa broke up. we have no idea why. we don't know if steve was back. nada. all we know is that they broke up. when did they break up? again. no idea. but we know that peggy means a lot to sousa. she's like (sorta; i don't like making comparisons but anyway) sousa's lincoln in a way (i'm not saying that they're the exact replica. daisy/lincoln and peggy/sousa are quite different. but they do have similarities. those pairings are the kind where they want to be together forever but knew that it wouldn't work; my interpretation). she didn't die, we know that. but she's sort of the one that got away. my guess is that it's because shield and the world was more important than each other. which wasn't dissimilar to daisy and lincoln's situation. so, yes. peggy's sousa's middle. she influenced him a lot. and he found himself amidst ssr and shield (just like daisy did).

sousa's end was again, perfect. he went to the future. got to see what the organisation he helped build came to be. he went on an adventure to explore space. which he would geek out over. instead of dying, he got to live. with the love of his (new) life. he may be a man out of time, but with daisy and their ragtag family, he is right where he belongs.

daisy and sousa began with "who the hell are you" and ended with "it's beautiful" (just putting this here because i love that fact).

so. they started pretty quickly, didn't they? 4 episodes in and sousa fell in love with daisy. 7 episodes in and daisy fell in love with sousa. though i doubt that they thought they're in love. but they're falling. or walking towards it. 7x03 was when they met. it's where it all began. in area 51 of all places (foreshadow much?). but what's even more interesting is that technically, they began twice. from daisy's perspective, they met in 6x13 (which plenty of people had pointed out; but @agents-of-fangirling was the most recent). even though they didn't actually meet because sousa was wearing that blue (seriously his colour really is blue) hazmat suit and daisy was disoriented (may dying and all that jazz). but from sousa's perspective, they met in 7x03. where they actually made eye contact and conversed. how many couples can say that the when of their first encounter was debatable?

now. their middle, in the video edit, i used the scene from 7x10. because i think that's a pretty good middle. they had their first first kiss. sousa had no idea that happened. yet, there he was, wanting to help. just like his time-loop self. he extended a hand and she accepted. she accepted help. do you know how much of a development that was??? because i think that it's a huge character development (i still haven't rewatched so don't take my word for it). i think that's a good depiction of their middle. oh yeah. before i forgot. they also had two first kisses. and again, i say, how many couples can say that they had two first kiss? figured i'd choose the scene in the middle of those first kisses (pun intended lmao).

sidenote: did y'all see the devastation in her eyes when sousa volunteered to stay in the 80s? or how her eyes went wide and she started to panic when he was injected in the time loops? sousa's a man of action. and when he says something, he means it. so, his constant concern over daisy and him wanting to help in any way he can, it's his love language.

and then we have their ending. the perfect end to an imperfect couple (because nobody's perfect *cue hannah montana*). daisy got sousa a typewriter. because he's from the 50s. since when did daisy buy gifts for her boyfriends/partners/lovers? and they watched e.t. together? that's normal couple things. even though they are far from normal. but they get to experience it all together. daisy didn't get to in the past. none that we know of anyway. and now she does. also, that smile when she talks about him. that fond smile that grazed her lips at the thought of him. i've never seen her smile like that before (none that i remember; and if she did, well then i'm so so happy for her). she looks happy. serene. and her saying "he's a dork" twice in the season just makes my heart burst with happiness for them.

sidenote: my headcannon is that "he's a dork" is code for "i love him too much to explain it in words."

i'd like to believe that even though it has ended, their story has just begun. they're going through their middle right now. and i hope that they won't end. in other words, their end was not an ending. it was a beginning of a new life.

as daisy said, "we're loving the journey together." keyword: journey. it's a long road up ahead. with countless of challenges and obstacles in the way. but in the end, all that matters is that they face it together.

that's it. thanks for coming to my ted talk (for those who actually read it all the way through, i love you).

[centrally-unplanned]

During the Neon Genesis Evangelion rewatch I decided pick an aspect of the show to focus on as I watched, and I chose Misato; namely, how her arc connects to Eva’s wider themes. Evangelion has a lot going on and I don’t think it can be boiled down to one thematic concept, but if I were to try: real fulfillment for people can only come from being of value to and connecting with other people, but as an individual that process is inherently painful and impossible to truly achieve - What Do? Shinji embodies this in a very interiorized (and therefore very universally applicable) way, withdrawing from others and neglecting his potential to act out of fear of the pain and consequences. Yet one of the really interesting things about Eva is how the other characters reflect a different aspect of this same struggle, and so all combine into a grander narrative.

Misato does this as well - but in a way that doesn't jump out as much. Misato is very much the driver of the plot, making proactive choices around the conspiracy, the war, etc, and these actions can often overshadow her inner struggles. Thus, singling her out for focus - and from that process I feel she showcases a really unique take on the show’s themes.

Reflections on Misato’s Thematic Reflection

The other three main characters (Shinji, Asuka, Rei - sorry Ritsuko fans!) being all kids, tend to struggle with issues very close to home, but Misato is the adult in the room and so has adult concerns, namely the big picture struggle for humanity. These concerns are her duty though, not her passion - Misato is riddled with “base” desires that are emotionally and physically hyper-indulgent. Her relationship with Kaji is a constant temptation to escape from those duties and instead whittle away endless time in emotional intimacy - and also fuck like rabbits. There is a great showcase scene in End of Evangelion of this, where in their youth Misato and Kaji literally spent a week straight in their apartment doing nothing else:

----For Misato, fans symbolize sex, which I love is a sentence I can say----

Note by the way that they could have communicated that they were cloistered off banging it out in a myriad of ways, but they chose to highlight the outside obligations Misato was neglecting to do the job, because ~*themes*~. But of course such states cannot last, and Kaji himself has his own duties, very similarly to Misato, ones that he will not truly neglect for her sake.

This arc is further reflected in her relationship with Shinji, who she adopts in the opening episodes as a sort of surrogate child. While the contradictions here are less evident at first, as the show progresses it becomes clear that this family is, to quote Ritsuko, “playing house”, a pantomime of adulthood over the reality. Furthermore, her desire to mother Shinji - a desire she holds strongly for reasons I’ll note soon - starts running up against her need to command Shinji as his superior officer, commands that increasingly hurt him but are for his (and humanity’s) own good. In both of these cases, Misato is torn between those outer responsibilities and inner desires, and has to walk a tightrope of balancing them.

Like so many in the the oh-so-Freudian Evangelion, Misato’s conflicts stem from her relationship with her father; a cold, neglectful man who was absent for much of her life growing up, but who was devoting his time to NERV (the core organization in the show) fighting for humanity in his own way and also sacrificed himself to save Misato’s life when she was a teen. She loathes him and idolizes him simultaneously for this duality, which expresses itself as an outer shell of heroic professionalism masking the inner vulnerability and desire for the intimacy she lacked growing up, alongside a deep shame of that desire:

This shame is important, since I wager it would tempting to think that the conclusion of Misato’s arc is “always prioritize the big picture”, as that embodies her final moment: convincing and even *sexually manipulating* Shinji into piloting the Eva for the greater good. Its a powerful scene, and also a callback to the very first episode - where she stares on in horror as Gendo (her boss & Shinji’s absentee father) equally orders Shinji to “pilot the Eva” despite the terrible toll it would inflict on him. She judged it harshly then, but now is reprising that role under even more terrible stakes. I could see one concluding that Misato’s arc culminates in her embracing a Gendo-ian ruthlessness.

But it doesn’t, because A: Gendo is a selfish, cowardly piece of shit, not at all concerned with the greater good, and B: when Misato’s effort to Be The Adult are partially motivated by a desire to cover up for her shame in her damned sex drive, that *can’t* be fully aspirational!  She was only able to get through to Shinji because of the emotional connection they shared, which stemmed from her desire to “play house”, a choice that itself stemmed from her desire to be *nothing like* her cold, absent father and not make the mistakes he made (told you we’d get there). And they *were* mistakes, despite her father’s intentions. If Evangelion has an answer to its question of “how to solve the pain of being part of society” (It does not, I am radically simplifying right now), it’s that you can’t solve it, to wipe that pain away (AKA Human Instrumentality) would be a mistake, and instead you have to accept the pain and contradictions as the key to how you evolve as a person. Misato changes over the course of the show, but never in a way to resolve these contradictions - she only evolves to cope with them. 

And then she dies, but hey, its Shinji’s story in the end. Sometimes you gotta get Fridge’d for the greater good.

------

A final, sort-of side note to take this a little beyond Misato’s arc, “evolution” is critical to how Misato serves as a reflection of the theme for other characters. A huge crux of Shinji’s arc is his relationship with Asuka, namely his burgeoning romantic desire for her that he is incapable of acting on due to ~arc stuff. For Shinji, if he made a move on Asuka and got down with her it would be huge progress for him! Sex is a critical component of connecting with others after all, and it would mark his ability to open himself up to those connections. But what is progress for Shinji, the teen, is regression for Misato, the adult, as her sexual chemistry with Kaji can tip into excess - for her connecting with one person is in fact a form of withdraw from her wider responsibilities. What is the healthy choice for you constantly evolves as you yourself evolve, and its really fascinating that Evangelion simultaneously uses sexual intimacy for opposed meanings via different characters. The scene I posted above, where Shinji is judging a shame-filled Misato for the sex she is having, is one where both of their weaknesses are on full, simultaneous display - very hard for one scene to pull off.

------

(A final-final meta-note: I rarely write about themes in shows because I feel like everything I am saying is super-obvious; there is only so subtle a tv show can be. If you are going to do like cross-comparisons between shows or wider social trends that’s worth it, but just the show in isolation I fear it’s too basic. Would be curious if anyone who does stumble on this essay has that reaction of “yeah anyone who saw the show would know this”.)

[philosophycorner]

A Hallmark Sophistic Tendency and More on Epistocracy

Sophism is when one reasons fallaciously in hopes of deceiving someone. In other words, it is when someone employs fallacious, yet convincing, reasoning to sway someone. In some cases, people with these tendencies will project by accusing their opponent of sophistry or they will employ a No True Scotsman in saying that their opponent cannot possible be a “real” philosopher. I do not take kindly to such ad hominem and that is why I discontinued the discussion. Some of you may have seen this in my opponent’s response yesterday. These issues are minor. The major issue is in how he defines words.

Sophists tend to define words by omitting the use their opponent is using. When I say voting rights infringe upon other more integral, unalienable rights like the right to life or healthcare, I am not at all talking about a negative right, as he defined, in where one can hypothetically defend their right using force. While this is a definition of a right, it is not the only definition on offer. A right is also a principle of entitlement, a positive right, and so, when I say someone has the right to life, what I am saying is that they are entitled to live, irrespective of what the Constitution says; the phrase right to life in The Declaration of Independence is described as unalienable, god-given if you prefer. While there are clauses attached to this entitlement, such as they are entitled to live given that they do not murder someone, my definition is just as valid as the one my opponent employed. The difference is that my opponent dismissed my definition in order to deceive his readers. That is to say nothing of the validity of the distinction of negative and positive rights; plenty of philosophers (e.g. Eric Nelson, Ian Carter, Henry Shue) do not think the distinction is valid or even necessary.

He, for instance, continued to accuse me of not knowing what rights are, as though definitions themselves do not describe words in a self-evident fashion. A right is sometimes synonymous with a certain entitlement, but not all entitlements, real or imagined, are rights. A man may feel that after dating his girlfriend for five years, he is entitled to have sex with her. Consent is still at play no matter how long a couple has dated and so, he is not entitled to have sex with his girlfriend; she is not entitled to sex with her boyfriend either. These are matters of consent and as such, it is a privilege that they grant one another. The right to life is self-evident as even the Declaration of Independence attests. I do not need to go any further on that.

In that same vein, he mentions consent of the governed and people providing healthcare and bizarrely asserts that taxation is a violation of bodily autonomy; he does nothing at all to ground this claim, but, ironically enough, begs the question. Under the current government, 100 million or so people forgo their voting rights every election and many more forgo their rights as it pertains to electing state and local officials on a year-to-year basis. This implies that the right to vote is not as integral as some argue and definitely not as integral as my right to life. I may willingly surrender my right to vote given that I’m not particularly drawn to any of the candidates; I will not willingly surrender my right to live, assuming I am not terminally ill or mentally incapacitated. I am entitled to live and that is an integral entitlement; I am also entitled to vote, but that is not an integral entitlement as I can willingly choose not to.

What I have proposed, as Plato and others before me have, is an Epistocracy. Also of note is that he flat-out asserts Plato was wrong without justifying it; that is more more evidence that he has presupposed his conclusions. It is not a soft tyranny as he claimed. It is rule of the knowledgeable. What I am basically arguing is that if a third of the population is not going to vote anyway, we should decide on which one-third that is. The one-third that I temporally want to exclude are the least informed and that is assuming that such people even comprise one-third of the population; they might comprise a smaller portion than one-third and as such, I can say that at least I am not excluding as many people as are currently excluded and who have been excluded, at times, with malicious intent. The least informed are individuals who have not learned to or do not care to think critically. Since they do not think critically, they are prone to ignoring crucial issues and engaging in cult-like, conspiracy-based reasoning. A White Supremacist, on paper, is entitled to vote, but since he votes to harm minorities, he should not retain that entitlement.

Felons are largely excluded from the political process because they surrendered that entitlement in breaking the law. So it is up to my hypothetical government to decide at which point someone has committed to all that is required prior to breaking the law. What separates the average White Supremacist from Kyle Rittenhouse? The question boils down to who is armed and who is not and who is willing to harm or murder minorities versus who is not. Who then is the ideologue and who is willing to act on erred convictions? Since there is no sound reasoning to justify racism, discrimination, and prejudice, then White Supremacists should not be entitled to vote. Since there is no way of predicting which White Supremacist will act on their erred convictions, they should not be entitled to vote. Full stop!

The consent of the governed does not reduce to mere voting rights. In being a citizen or legal immigrant in the United States, you have de facto consented to be governed whether you vote or not, whether you are entitled to vote or not. Our current government already excludes a large portion of the population due to criminal records, gerrymandering, and other forms of voter suppression. So there is no material difference in my saying that we should exclude certain people for reasons separate from the ones the government uses to justify their exclusion and disenfranchisement of certain voters. As I have shown, however, I think my reasons for excluding the woefully ignorant are far better than the reasons given to exclude an entire demographic in a certain district or most felons without distinction. The primary reason is that voting rights cannot be prioritized over unalienable rights, so if a person votes with the intent to harm minorities, the minority’s right to live supersedes the White Supremacist’s right to vote. If I have to ground an entire moral framework to prove that conclusion, then my opponent is basically arguing that the right to life is not unalienable and is therefore, a privilege reserved for some and not others.

All felons are not created equal. Sure, a murderer on death row has long surrendered his entitlement to vote. Someone wrongfully accused of a crime or someone serving a marijuana-related sentence should not be excluded. Yet, in most cases, no distinction is made between the former felon and the latter. Then there is the real crux: my exclusion is not permanent. You can be a White Supremacist today and not be one tomorrow. That means that you can learn why you are wrong about non-Whites and come to see common humanity in minorities. Any and all kinds of ignorance can be rectified given time, so it is entirely possible to justify a vote for any candidate in an informed manner. What my hypothetical government would guarantee is an informed voter who does not vote along party lines, who does not double-down on a quasi-fascist like Trump, who does not ignore science and the urgency of Climate Change, and so on. A more informed electorate is absolutely a good thing and the exclusion stemming from my hypothetical government is preferable to the extant exclusion in the current U.S. government. 

In any case, this is why I refused to exchange further. Sophists define words by omitting definitions they dislike. They accuse, commit fallacies, and project their errors onto you. Ultimately, sophists tend to be disingenuous because they have predilections and surmises they think are self-evident and so they do not commit to the philosophical work of reasoning to their conclusion; this was observed in my opponent’s bizarre claim that taxation violates bodily autonomy and that the provision of healthcare, in where one is paid by the government, is also a violation of bodily autonomy. These conclusions are not argued for or justified in any way and entirely ignore state-provided healthcare in other countries in where people have consented to pay their taxes for sake of receiving free healthcare and tuition-free college educations. 

I have reasoned to my conclusion. I have seen the real harm in letting ignorant people vote year after year; these people have been given no (dis)incentive to rectify that ignorance. So basically what I am saying is that if we disincentivize ignorance, people will want to become more informed. They would not call every disagreeable story about their favored candidate “fake news.” They would not go down the rabbit-hole of conspiracy theories. They would have good reason to change. I see nothing at all wrong with telling people this: if you want to vote, demonstrate that you are informed enough and empathetic enough to participate in this process because your vote has palpable effects on other lives. After nearly four years of suffering through the lack of empathy, apathy, hatred, and incompetence of the Trump Administration, I am more resolute now than I was two years ago: everyone should not be entitled to vote; only the demonstrably informed in the U.S. population should do so and as such, I propose Epistocracy, the rule of the knowledgeable as that incentivizes everyone to become more knowledgeable before casting a vote. 

I will conclude by saying that the false equivalence he made between Epistocracy and tyranny can be dismissed very easily: Epistocracy does not permanently exclude anyone, so if anyone has an issue with being governed by the knowledgeable, then it is incumbent on them to demonstrate the aptitude to join the ranks of the knowledgeable; tyranny, on the other hand, excludes the governed and subjects them to any number of abuses. Epistocracy is not about abuse, but rather about preventing the abuse suffered by the more empathetic and knowledgeable at the hands of the cruel, apathetic, and ignorant. Perhaps we should want to exclude malignant Psychopaths, Narcissists, Sadists, and Machiavellians, most especially when they have dehumanizing and degrading views of people they do not agree with. This is beyond, “I do not like your voice” or “I do not like these people.” This is about people who speak harm and carry out actions consistent with dangerous and potentially fatal beliefs. 

The United States cannot continue to tolerate such ignorance and it is clear that the entitlement to vote has fallen into the wrong hands. In the least, I can say what a lot of other people cannot say: I have proposed a viable solution. I also happen to think it is among the better solutions, especially in light of my opponent’s tacit anarchism and admiration for Capitalism. I will not challenge a sophist on such erred points of view, as they have already presupposed the conclusion; this is also painfully obvious in his ego-stroking as it pertains to Marxism. He has claimed to debase all of Marxism and this should not surprise anyone given that my opponent’s love for Capitalism entails feeling threatened by an anti-Capitalist like Marx. There is no argument to be had with such people. In any event, be mindful of the tendency to define words by omitting key definitions. Such an individual does not want a genuine dialogue; they just want to win. Nothing productive comes from that.

[readandwritesilver]

why do you dislike shameless so much?

my problem is not with shameless, never has been. i mean, sure i do have some issues with it, but most of them aren’t even the show’s fault. i legitimately enjoy shameless. my problem is with the fandom, both as a whole and the gallavich uh, idk, subsection i guess.

put simply, i always found it to be very toxic. not necessarily between individual people, but just constant negativity.

every post i would see was some sort of rant about canon, about future plans, about something behind the scenes. and look, obviously if you truly love a piece of media you need to be able to criticize it and acknowledge its shortcomings. but- 

a) it was to such an intense degree that its legitimately hard to tell whether many of the people there enjoy the show or not. which, logically, should be a given. you have a whole blog dedicated to it, you talk about it constantly, you’d think you enjoy it at least a little. but it’s genuinely hard to tell. “well the frist few seasons were good and now im just hate-watching“ was a common theme, but it never sat right with me. alot of it was picking and choosing tiny little bits of the show they enjoyed and just rejecting the rest of it. more than once i ran into people that had never even seen the show, just watched the playlist of every scene to do with ian and mickeys relationship on youtube and been done. which is whatever, do you. it just never sat right with me the way people wpuld just talk shit about every aspect of the show constantly but also continue to write/read fic of it and draw art of it and stuff like that, which leads into my next point

b) this is more my problem with gallavich stans in particular, and i should just be clear that i don’t think this is everyone, but it was a very common mentality from what i saw.

quite honeslty, most of the people i mentioned before that were only there for ian and mickey seemed to have no grasp on the fact that the show isn’t actually *about* ian and mickey. 

i’d just like to say that i actually do have a legitimate issue with the q*eer rep on shameless, and the way they treat their q*eer characters/storylines.i actually wanted to make a video essay about it at one point, even wrote like 60% of the script, but decided i didn’t want my voice out there. i’m not saying none of the criticisms of ian and mickey’s storyline are valid, i’m saying that they’re often misguided.

ian and mickey’s relationship is one of ian’s two main storylines (the other being his bpd), and ian is one of six main characters (sort of seven in season nine). it’s not going to be the constant focus of the show, and i feel like there are people that, even if they say otherwise. don’t seem to get that.

also, i’m just going to say it, because i’ve already pissed people off, i don’t think mickey should have been brought back as a main character in s10. he’s one of my favourite characters and i was glad to see him, and i get why  he was brought back with cam n all, but i honestly wish that 07.12, or at the very least 09.06 (whatever the episode where ian goes to prison is), had been the end of his story. thats a problem with shameless, though, not the fandom.

overall, the fandom is negative as hell and was making me start to dislike a show that i had really enjoyed and had just wanted to find other people that did too. i’m not saying that anyone has to enjoy the show, i’m not even trying ti say you cant simultaneously run a blog about it and constantly talk shit. i’m just saying that a space where the crux of every other conversation is how much you hate the thing that’s supposed to be the common factor wasn’t really a great environment for me.

[sweet-star-cookie]

Ideas for a Rewrite of Pixar’s Onward

So I finally watched Onward, unfortunately not in theatres because of [REDACTED] but what can you do? Gotta be honest, it didn’t wow me. :/ The world seemed flat and boring, and a lot of the tropes and story beats felt really played out and done before, even within other Pixar movies. That said, fantasy themed worlds and the potential creativity therein is a topic that is super close to my heart, and even when the trailer dropped for this movie I wasn’t super impressed with what it had to offer. From the setup of the plot itself, I’ll admit that I was skeptical of it from the outset, perhaps a bit more than usual.

I have my issues with the world building of this film from a visual design standpoint as well, but I’ll save that for another time. For now I want to discuss how I would approach rewriting this film to make it an overall stronger product in terms of story and character development. Obviously there will be spoilers for the actual plot of the movie in addition to my thoughts, so fair warning there.

Okay so when it comes to building a new world for your characters, regardless of its themes or genre, it is important to establish how much of that world pertains to the story you want to tell. As in, are you telling a story about the world itself via your characters, or are you telling a story about the characters with this world as a backdrop? It might seem like a small distinction, but a world’s rules (or lack thereof) can easily divert an audience’s focus within a story. I believe the current version of Onward is an example of the latter, but with a few complications of the former that muddles the direction of the plot a bit. The sense of scope for this film seems to go half-and-half instead, but we’ll get to that later. At the beginning of the movie, we are told about how the world of Onward followed more closely with what we would call a fantasy world; wizards, mythical creatures, knights, a magical staff, the works. But in a pretty rapid-fire scene, we are shown how modern technologies began to usurp the use of magic, thus leading to the modern day fantasy world that is the setting for the rest of the film. Despite how quickly this plays out as a sort of prologue for the movie, I do believe this is a fine set up for a movie like this...

If the movie was about the world.

But as we know, it’s about Ian and Barley’s quest to bring their father back, and almost exclusively focuses on their family. This too is a perfectly good setup, but the movie somehow ends up with both, and it leads to a lot more questions than answers as a result. The prologue setup generates a lot of questions about the world itself, such as the use and discovery of magic, that do have an effect later on in the story, but the implementation of magic itself does not have clearly defined rules about who can use it and why. Modern day law enforcement seems to govern this world, yet any use of magic does not seem to have any bearing on that. Magic clearly still exists in this world, but the audience does not know when or how it appears. Where does magic come from? What is the scarcity of it? Can you get arrested for using magic? Do people who use or own magical items get special treatment? Are magical items more valuable and therefore need to be regulated? How common are they? All creatures in this world appear to be inherently magical, or at least possess abilities from their magic-based ancestors, but seem to have “forgotten” those abilities over time. Both the pixies and the manticore have wings, but it seems that only the pixies need magic to use them. Why? Historical landmarks like the one Barley tries to protect in the film are viewed as passive history, no longer holding much significance. And even the manticore’s map is reduced to a placemat at a children’s restaurant, so the preservation of this history does not appear to be a priority for this society. Moreover, these questions also directly correlate to the main protagonists, namely, why can Ian wield magic and Barley cannot? If Wilden (the dad) could or used to wield magic, could Laurel (the mom) do it too? Are their different kinds of magic? Is there a hierarchy to how powerful one’s magic can be? Ian becomes better at using his father’s staff over time in the film, but how he is able to do so via the staff or Barley’s instruction is pretty unclear. Now, all of these are questions are actually ones that wouldn’t need to be answered necessarily, but only if the film reeled itself in a bit and its scope was a lot clearer. Many other fantasy or alternate world stories have a much smaller scope that doesn’t need to ask these questions of the audience when it doesn’t pertain to the story they’re telling. An excess of world building does not matter if it has no bearing on the current story being told. A good example is in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, where the establishment of toons existing in the real world is the entire crux of the story, but how toons became a part of the real world is not explained, and doesn’t need to be for the direction of the plot and characters. You are introduced to the world with only the information you need, and you are taken through the story with that specific set of information. The progression of the plot does not rely on answering the question of why toons exist in this world, so it does not address it. Onward could have achieved this too, if the film didn’t explicitly ask these unanswered questions within its own plot. If the film focused solely on the Lightfoot family without the prologue, all of these questions about the world wouldn’t need to be answered. This is not a “magic was usurped by technology” story. This is a “how do I get my Dad back?” story. Which honestly begs the question:

Why does this have a fantasy setting?

With how much this film goes half-and-half on the relevance of the world to its characters, the more it seems like a coat of fantasy paint slapped on top of a story that could be told with real humans, or any other kind of creature for that matter. The fact that these characters are elves, pixies, trolls, etc. is inconsequential to the storytelling. Magic aside, if you replaced all of the fantasy races and locations with real-life equivalents, what would change about the story or its progression? In fact, if you removed the idea of magic entirely and replaced it with a series of non-magical challenges that Ian faces on his quest, you would have the same movie, just without the fantasy filter. All of the locations in the movie are not inherently fantastical, the school, the gas station, the tavern, even the vehicles and animals in the film, all have really obvious real-world equivalents, which diminishes the fantasy theme even further. Nothing separates them from these parallels. Even the main magic system is an equivalent to DnD and other tabletop roleplaying games in this world, and isn’t viewed as anything more despite becoming a prominent source of power for the protagonists. Again, having the world take a backseat to the characters is not inherently a bad thing, but if you’re going to take the time to establish how this world began and changed over time, then that has to be relevant to the story at hand in some way, otherwise you’re just establishing something that ultimately doesn’t go anywhere. So how would I fix this? Well, at this point I feel like you’d have to pick one of the two halves that this story tries to weave together: either open up the world and the relevance of magic within it, or focus exclusively on the Lightfoot family and their relationships. If it were me, I’d pick the latter, because to me the best parts of the film were the parts that focused on the family, especially the relationship between Ian and Barley. The world of Onward really isn’t that interesting as it stands, so putting more focus on that without a complete overhaul probably isn’t a good idea.

To start, I would keep the part about Ian wanting to learn more about his Dad, as well as Barley’s memories and misgivings about not saying goodbye to him. This, like most Pixar movies, is the strongest part and serves as the emotional core of the film. Both of them have their individual reasons for wanting to see their father again, and those motivations can move and change over the course of the narrative. But, have Ian tie his own identity to finding his father, as if his father is the one person who can tell him who he needs to be. A missing piece of him that only his father can fill, and this desire becomes more and more desperate as the film progresses and they run closer to that 24 hour time frame. Those earlier scenes about others who knew and admired his father could help corroborate these feelings, where Ian wishes to carry on the legacy of his father. Perhaps Barley could have similar feelings, as if being called a “screw up” throughout his life made him question the legacy of his father and his relationship with him. A “I don’t know who I am + believe in yourself” message has been done to death, but the execution could still make the ending of this film that much stronger. When the climax happens and Ian is unable to see his father before the sunset, THAT is when you want him to have the Act 3 Pixar realization about the overall message of the film, and how he had a father figure through Barley the whole time. Maybe there’s a point where Barley is hanging onto Ian in the rubble and time is running out, and he tells Barley to go see their father while he still has the chance. Have the internal realization be that Ian doesn’t need to see his father to know who he is anymore, as the journey he went on throughout the movie already gave him that answer, thus allowing him to let go and let Barley get his closure instead. Some of these points do exist in the current version of the film, but I feel that this slight reframe could strengthen it enough so that it is a common theme throughout the movie.

The subplot with the mother and Officer Colt is a strange one, further complicated by the inclusion of Corey the manticore as a secondary character, but I think it could have rounded out the story even more with a bit of work. If there really needed to be a stepparent role for this movie, I feel like Corey could have filled that role while also providing the map for Ian and Barley’s quest (I know getting a Disney Gay is like pulling teeth at this point but hear me out). There is a fairly decent amount of time spent in the movie regarding Laurel’s role in protecting her sons, especially when she recruits Corey into finding them. And with the scene at the tavern, Corey already has a decent idea of what the boys are like, which could make for good chances to bond with Laurel. There’s a good line in the movie that I feel really goes under-utilized, where Corey describes the boys’s assertiveness at the tavern. Laurel assumes she’s talking about Barley, but she’s really talking about Ian, and this surprises her. This is a really good way of showing that another’s perception of one’s character is not the whole picture. With the climax reframed to better focus on Ian’s sense of identity, this could have been an excellent line as a lead up to that climax, and for thematic coherence overall. Ian struggles with his identity while relying on others to make it for him, and that extends to his own mother’s perception of him, which changes as the story progresses. Despite that, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of conflict between Laurel and her sons, even when discussing their late father. They’re sad, yes, but ultimately they’re dealing with it okay. They love each other, and despite their differences they have a good sense of solidarity. There doesn’t have to be conflict in that way in every story like this, but her quest to rescue them could have been a good way to bridge that, bringing in a one-two punch of parental resolution at the end. 

With this you could cut Officer Colt’s character entirely, in fact I don’t know why both him and Corey are in the film when they seem to fight for the same purpose in the story. His inclusion doesn’t seem to create a rift in any of their relationships outside of mild disdain when he’s first introduced. I genuinely did not know that Colt was officially in the Lightfoot family until the word “stepdad” was used over halfway through the movie. Otherwise I just assumed he was someone who was involved with the family via arresting Barley and had at least a mild romantic interest in his mother. And given the relevance of Wilden and the strength of their prior relationship, that doesn’t paint him in a very positive light at the start. But if you really wanted to keep him, there needed to be a scene that truly solidified that he cared for Ian and Barley. There is very little to suggest what kind of relationship the brothers have with him, other than Colt’s disapproval of Barley’s delinquency, but by the end of the film they’re suddenly on good terms, as if some resolution was made. He doesn’t seem to do much more other than pursue them like a cop would a criminal, and even when Laurel is worried for them, his search still seems to be nothing more than a part of his job, like it was at the start. 

Perhaps he could save them from something while they’re on the quest, like when Barley sacrifices his van to make the rocks fall. Maybe it goes wrong and the rocks falling still puts the brothers in danger, forcing Colt to abandon the other officers to save them. The brothers may be surprised at this, but it would have come from a genuine desire to protect them on Colt’s part. If you really wanted to establish even a bit of a connection with the brothers, he could’ve accompanied them on part of the quest, doing things that only he could do to help them, and perhaps having a chance to hash out their relationship with him along the way. I realize that Colt having difficulties connecting with the brothers is a common stepdad trope, but if he was to have any relevance at all, he needed a reason to be there. Ironically, Corey ends up having more interactions with the boys at the tavern than Colt does for the entire film. Overall I feel like there was a lot of missed potential with Onward, and while the emotional core was there like it always is in Pixar movies, I feel like it got skewed a bit along the way, thus diminishing the final emotional punch at the end. There are some genuinely great parts of this movie, especially Ian’s final character resolution with Barley, but the whole is not greater than the sum of those parts, and that saddens me greatly. I’m not sure how much of this was Disney mandated versus Pixar implemented, but I hope they can get their groove back eventually.

[iamartemisday]

Fake title: Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women. Jane Foster with any dangerous men you can think of 😉

Whoo okay! Totally didn’t forget about this I promise. 

SO. Jane is broken up with Thor and he’s off doing royal stuff with Valkyrie I guess. Darcy is on vacation with Ian. Erik is also on vacation. Thanos is stuck playing the world’s longest game of solitaire, so there’s no Snap happening any time soon. 

Point is, Jane’s on her own for a while. She’s doing okay. Eats regularly, sleeps semi-regularly, and works normal twelve-hour shifts Monday to Saturday. One Sunday afternoon, Jane was relaxing on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a movie on. Suddenly, there came a crash in her lab, followed by paper being shuffled around and what appears to be a male voice cursing in a language Jane doesn’t know. 

That alone would’ve given her pause and made her think something bad had happened, but then there’s the swirling vortex of doom that just opened up in her living room. It just sucked the TV out which pisses Jane off because she just got a Netflix subscription godammit. Now how is she going to watch Sense8?

Also, Loki has just come stumbling out of her lab. He looks like shit and there’s a suspicious wound on his forehead. The blood on his hands and knives doesn’t appear to be his, though.

“I’m sure you’re wondering what I’m doing here,” he says.

“Actually I’m wondering where that vortex goes to,” she says. Then she grabs her ‘In Case of Vortex of Doom’ travel bag and belly flops through the portal.

Loki blinks after her for a few seconds wondering why he’s even surprised. Logic says he should walk away, but being Loki says he should do as Loki does. And so, away he goes!

Meanwhile, in a random Brooklyn apartment, Bucky Barnes is toiling his Sunday away on the couch taking a nap. He’s in the middle of a rather nice dream when the portal opens and drops Jane on his living room floor. He is immediately up and ready.

“Who the fuck is that?” he demanded before realizing it was not HYDRA, an intruder, or a HYDRA intruder. He dropped the gun he grabbed out of ‘secret gun hiding spot no. 272′ and checked that his hair looked okay in the mirror. It looked like Sam had washed it with salt water taffy. Good enough. “Jane! I mean, hi Jane. How are you? Uh... didn’t expect to see you here.”

Loki came through as Jane dusted herself off, just in time for a new vortex to open up. “Hi, Bucky. I was just following this vortex. See you later.”

She jumped through again, leaving Loki and Bucky to blink after her. 

“Uh...” said Bucky.

Then a tentacle popped out of the vortex which Bucky instantly grabbed, allowing Loki to kill it with some fire. Then another tentacle came out. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another. Then another.

In the interest of brevity, it was a lot of tentacles, and once they were all gone, Bucky looked at the portal. “Jane went in there.”

Loki nodded. “Yes, she did.”

“Jane went in there and there are tentacle monsters in there.”

“Indeed.”

After a moment’s allowance for reality to sink in, the two men rush headfirst into the 4.5th dimension to seek Jane out. They find her surprisingly quickly, examining a flowering plant on a desolate space rock which periodically spits fluorescent dust out the stamen. 

Also, there are more tentacle monsters.

Also, she’s not alone.

“Don’t tell me,” Bucky says, helping Steve stave off the H.P. Lovecraft rejects. “Jane appeared at your place through a portal, then disappeared into another portal, then tentacle monsters attacked, then you jumped in after her because you like her and you need to protect the innocent.”

“Yes,” Steve says, blushing hard. “Except for the liking her part. I mean, I do like her, but not in that way, I like her in a different way sort of like-”

“Excuse me,” Loki steps in, blasting another tentacle monster into deep space, “I would like for us to get rid of these things before we argue.”

For once, everyone was in agreement with Loki, so they fight the monsters together to protect their dear lady.

“This thing is unreal. I wish I’d taken some botany classes so I could get a better idea of the physical makeup. Maybe if I take some samples and show them to one of my friends.”

“Great idea,” says Bucky, punching a hole through the last of the monsters just in time for a new portal to open. “Here’s a better one: run.”

Meanwhile, Sam Wilson was just finishing a cup of coffee when three tired warriors and one excitable astrophysicist land in his kitchen. He finishes his coffee and drops the mug in the sink for later. He shrugs. “I should be shocked, but I’m just not anymore.”

The next portal opens and off they all go. While Steve gets Sam up to speed they face their next threat: bird monsters on a planet in the Andromeda galaxy. The star patterns are super unique, and while her impromptu team of bodyguards decimates the bird monsters, Jane draws up a quick map. 

“This constellation is massive. It makes Ursa Major look like Crux. I’d need a whole week just to chart half of them. Maybe we could stay for-”

“NO!”

The next portal takes them to Clint Barton’s place. After allowing him to shoot a few arrows into Loki’s arms and legs, he follows them to the planet of the Alaskan Bullworms. Bruce tags along on their trek through the mountains of the abominable snow leopards, and finally, Tony leads the charge into the depths of the Alfheim sea. Also known as the place where the crab people with New Zealand accents live. 

Eventually, they find themselves on a planet with... *drumroll* humans! 

Or at least humanoid people, which after a hundred planets conveniently populated by ravenous monsters, is good enough.

Jane wanders into a junk shop and finds a nice mini-telescope, which can see a good thousand miles into the sky. 

“It would go for twenty anywhere else,” said the gold-toothed, snake-eyed man... type thing behind the counter. “For you, my dear, I’d let it go for nineteen.”

Bucky appears at her back, arm out and Soldier mode activated. “You sure about that price, pal?”

The vendor starts to sweat. “Uh... well maybe eighteen.”

Steve and Sam crowd him from both sides. “What was that?”

“S-sixteen?”

Loki appears from the shadows, red Jotunn eyes on full display. He gets right in the terrified man’s face. “Ten.”

“But-”

Ice forms on the counter. 

“Ten it is.”

Jane leaves happy with her purchase and the group walks around the shopping area for a while until a new portal pops up and they step straight into a purple-tinted planet populated by tiny eggplant looking aliens. 

“Oh thank goodness it finally worked,” said the lead eggplant in a voice like if helium did helium. “Great heroes, we have brought you here to request your assistance on a very important matter. You see, my people are under siege by a powerful warlord who wishes to enslave us and consume all our natural resources. Unfortunately, he has already attacked us once and it destroyed our communications network. We managed to get the portal generator fixed but our tracking system is still offline. That’s why you were so sporadically transported. I hope you can forgive us for any distress our incapacitation caused you.”

“We had to fight bird creatures,” says Sam. “Do you know how much bird shit I got on me?”

“Again we are terribly sorry. We hope this won’t negatively impact your ability to help us, it really is quite urgent.”

“Wait a minute,” says Steve, “you did all this just because you needed help?”

“Yes sir, we’ve heard stories of your exploits. The Avengers are known across several galaxies, and we knew you were just the ones we needed to save our civilization.”

“You couldn’t have just sent an email request?” Tony shouts. “We’ve been out here for days! I have a family at home.”

“So do I!” says Clint.

“I’ve been having fun,” says Bucky. Steve and Loki both nod as they stand noticeably closer to Jane than the rest. “It’s been a nice vacation.”

“We will happily return you once our enemy is defeated. We’ll be able to repair our trackers and get you back in a single jump. Dr. Foster, we were hoping you could help us.”

“Are you kidding?” Jane hisses, closing in on the tiny creature. “Of course I’m going to help. You have to show me how everything works here. This is the best week of my life, oh my god-”

Everyone facepalms. “This woman has no danger sense,” says Bruce. 

“She does,” Loki replies, “it simply reads ‘run to danger’ rather than away.”

Jane turns to her friends, arms crossed. “Come on, guys. Clearly, we’re here for a reason. These are innocent people who need our help. Are you really going to let them down?”

The assortment of heroes looks down in shame at even considering leaving. Jane turns to Loki.

“Are you really going to let your need to fuck shit up down?”

Loki looks down in shame at even considering leaving. 

Thus an amazing battle is waged against the forces of evil. The Avengers defeat the alien warlord, Loki fucks an incredible amount of shit up, Jane gets the tracker up and running after shutting it off and turning it back on, and the eggplant people are free to live another day.

Some time passes after everyone goes home. It’s another normal Sunday for Jane as she enjoys a good book in her favorite reading nook. 

Then a vortex of doom spits out the beaten remains of her old TV, crushing her new one. There goes her Hulu subscription. Loki appears out of her bathroom, singed and slightly burnt. He coughs.

“So I-”

“Here we go again!” Jane rushes through the portal with her new and improved ‘In Case of Vortex’ travel bag. 

Loki blinks after her.

“I think that was my line,” he mutters, and away he goes.

**

...I don’t even know.