#it's also not that hard to find actual quotes from her saying she's not lgbt. but these people will pretend those don't exist

[link-lonk]

I think Taylor Swift should come out as straight actually

[butwhatifidothis]

Watching Chris Hackney’s BL playthrough has made me realise why I have problem with Edelgard’s claim that the people are weak for relying on the faith/Church. Well, I don’t know, maybe it’s because their rulers are shitty and the government is too crappy for them to rely on?

Like, look at the entire Remire Village massacre again. Remire is in the Empire territory. Disregarding the fact that the entire tragedy happened because of their own fucking crown princess who decided this was a good location for her cronies to do their biological weapon experiments, did the Empire or Edelgard do anything to help her people living in her territory?

We know they don’t provide medical aid for their citizens, for one, because it is Manuela and Shamir who have been investigating this mysterious disease and it is the Church staff discussing how to end this “plague”. We also know they don’t have a safety net for these homeless people, because it’s the Church who takes these people in and helps them get back on their feet as they have, quoted, no where else to go. Even the orphans are taken care of by the Church and not their own government, where their taxes go to. Dorothea starved in almost her entire childhood in the slums when Edelgard’s father was still in power! This shows her father literally did nothing to help his citizens and all he was interested in was power grabs with the other nobles. All in all, the social welfare in the Empire, in a word, is just simply terrible.

The Church is also the one responsible for the peacekeeping in Fodlan or at least Adrestia too. To start with, the students at the Officer Academy and the Knights of Seiros are the ones deployed to handle the Remire Tragedy. Next, it’s the Church the people go for help when they are invaded by the pirates who pretend to be Almyrans instead of their own lords (that’s in the Alliance though). Then, it’s the Church instead of the Imperial government that hunts down Kostas’ gang - bandits active in Remire aka the Empire territory. Last but not least, the literal Crown Princess and the Regent of the Empire are willing to set loose a serial murderer on their people to give Jeritza a hunting ground just because she wants a good general for her conquest. Ah, and don’t forget nothing was done by the Imperial government to repel the Dagda invasion until the other Great noble families banded together to throw the Dagda army out.

The justice system in the Empire sucks too. From Caspar’s support we learn the punishment for theft is death and it is implied the Empire lets their criminals torn to shreds by beasts for entertainment. The Imperial government also arrests and executes people without any evidence or trial just because their princess says so. Usually even in a coup you have to make up some excuses to sentence your enemies. Remember even Henry the Eighth had to accuse Anne Boleyn of adultery and witchcraft in order to have her executed even though he was the head of state and church at the time? Did Edelgard and Hubert do anything of the sort before they imprison Duke Aegir, kill Marquis Vestra and arrest Count Varley? Let’s not forget Edelgard’s father killed off the entire House of Hrym and went over his jurisdiction to punish House Ordelia, a foreign noble house that happened to be one of the leaders of their government. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t ever want to be an Empire citizen.

I don’t know, maybe if the Imperial government wasn’t so incompetent and didn’t treat their citizens like trash, their citizens wouldn’t have to go to the Church for help? Maybe, I don’t know, if Edelgard and her government would do their actual fucking job and rule instead of throwing countless lives away and squandering all their resources on a senseless war that stemmed purely from nationalism and not actual political gain, then her “weak” people wouldn’t have to rely on the Church to pick them up every single time when they are having a hard time.

You laid it out perfectly really lol like, people in the fandom like to kinda hype up Adrestia as this forward thinking nation among the three of them because look they rejected religion! They have most of the LGBT characters (they'll never let you forget Mercedes came from the Empire so she counts too)! They have a female heir! When in reality the Empire is fuckin' garbage man like holy shit.

The only other female Adrestian noble in BE? One with a Crest that's supposed to give her Uber Privilege? And a family that's never said to be on the decline? Her father drills into her that she has to find a husband or she has no worth. Their only true commoner is never given any recognition for any of the work she does - and is the only one treated like this among the BE class. Petra is listed as a commoner despite being a whole ass princess because of her status as a political hostage. They give nobility to a house that's literal sole and only purpose is to do the dirty work for the Emperor - they aren't even granted land to own for their work.

Like you said, the heir to Adrestia doesn't care enough about her citizens to make an attempt to look after them after her allies fucked them over. And like, I'm not asking for the world or anything, she's not the official leader yet and there's only so much she can do... but she did nothing. Didn't mention anything about helping them in the future either, unless you nebulously count "I'm totally helping the people with my war guys" as also including people she one way or another helped in mutating and/or killing. Nah she's too busy getting mad at Byleth for thinking that Remire is revolting during the battle (I do believe in the JPN ver. she says something else? sorry I can't remember what exactly, just note I'm talking about the ENG ver. when making this point), among all the other things you've already listed

Like, of the three nations it's kinda obvious that the Kingdom is definitionally doing worse, at the moment, but at default? Adrestia sucks ass

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

[fromthefishbowl]

10 italian songs that are terribly horny

Kind of a sequel of this post I wrote about the three Italian songs every Italian knows without fail, here comes another in the same vein and, as you might guess from the title of the post, they all are horny.

Because there’s absolutely no need to title your fic about Nicky losing his virginity after a Hozier song, when the Italian music scene of the 1970s has already blessed us with Cristiano Malgioglio!

Beware that this list features: threesomes, implied choking, implied masturbation, lengthy descriptions of dicks, and a whole lot of “dying”.

So, if you’re new to the Italian music scene, I bet you now have two questions: who is Malgioglio, and why is that “dying” in between quotes?

Cristiano Malgioglio is an Italian songwriter who has been working in the music industry since the early Seventies. Now known mostly for his flamboyant style and white strand of hair in his otherwise completely black head, he was a close friend of Fabrizio de Andrè, who was actually the one who introduced him to the music world. He has written a lot of songs that are LGBT+ themed and has always been very open about his sexuality, to the point that he has never even felt the need of coming-out. Out of the ten songs here presented, he has written three of them, and one of them is about one of his boyfriends.

As the censorship didn’t allow for song lyrics to be too explicit, songwriters and singers had found a way around it: rather than saying “coming” or “orgasming”, they would go with “dying”, which was a lot more elegant and could be inserted in literally every song without the censors being able to complain. And, trust me, there’s a lot of dying.

Here is the list, from the least horny to the most horny.

Chi Non Lavora (1970), by Adriano Celentano

Link to lyrics and translation here.

Commonly called Autunno Caldo (Hot Autumn), the workers strike that begun in 1969 and dragged itself into the August 1970 greatly influenced this piece (but for all the wrong reasons). Workers were demanding safer working conditions, which had been completely ignored up until that point. As the days went on and the more people joined the protests, the police got more and more violent, to the point that they had begun shooting people on sight. This caused a huge uproar from the protestors, and when the voice that people had been shot and harmed by the law enforcement, even more workers and even students joined the fight. Through a year of strikes, they forced the Italian government to create a new set of laws that would protect both workers and students.

The song mocks this movement: the singer complains about the fact that, since he is on a strike two days out of three, he cannot give his wife enough money and therefore she’s going on a strike too and won’t have sex with him. Basically this song is nothing but the woes of a privileged, extremely wealthy man who thinks that people protesting for the rights of a safe work environment is inopportune and stupid.

The only reason why I included this song is because “Chi non lavora non fa l’amore” (Those who don’t work don’t make love) is still very much used to this day. If you want a piece of media that actually explores the protests and the work environment of the time, I suggest watching La Classe Operaia va in Paradiso (The Working Class goes to Heaven), a movie from 1971.

10 Ragazze per Me (1969), by Lucio Battisti

Link to lyrics and translation here.

Lucio Battisti is a national treasure and if I’ll ever do more of these, he’s surely going to end up in more of them. Whereas De Andrè would write more traditional music and focus on the lyrics, Battisti’s music was a lot more danceable and his lyrics a lot lighter, usually focusing on loneliness and heartbreaks rather than social issues.

In this song, the protagonist is bragging about how he wants ten girls for himself, all for different reasons (one because she knows how to dance, the other because she’s a virgin, that other one because she has been with everybody but him). It is soon revealed, however, that the only reason why he’s doing it is because he’s still thinking about a very specific girl who broke his heart.

Remembering the note above, peep that “And red lips to die upon”.

Gelato al Cioccolato (1979), by Pupo

Link to lyrics and translation here.

First song written by Cristiano Malgioglio and also the one about his ex! And yes, it was sung by another man, but... oh, well. The lyrics are the same.

I feel like the only thing I need to say, about this song, is to quote it directly: “Chocolate ice cream, sweet and a little salty”. And that’s it, because the subtext is right there and it’s impossible to miss what it implies.

What I think should be added is the fact that the singer had absolutely no idea of what the song was about. Like none. It was only in 2007 that Malgioglio told him that he had been inspired to write it after spending a torrid summer in Tunisia, where he had gotten a boyfriend with whom he’d often get ice cream.

Carlo Martello Ritorna dalla Battaglia di Poitiers (1967), by Fabrizio de Andrè

Link to lyrics and translation here.

Translating this song absolutely murdered me: Paolo Villaggio, one of De Andrè’s best friends and an extremely important figure in Italian entertainment history, wrote it to play over Middle Ages sounding music, so the words chosen and the way sentences are structured are reminiscing of that time, and it was incredibly hard to find English words that matched.

This said, it’s possibly one of De Andrè’s most light-hearted songs (probably because he and Villaggio wrote it while their wives were giving birth to their sons), even if it does mention social issues.

King Charles Martel comes home from Poitiers but has lost the key to his wife’s chastity cage, so he doesn’t even go home before looking for another girl that can quench his thirst. He sees a beautiful maiden taking a bath and, seduced, convinces her to have sex with him. It is only when he has finished that she reveals that she’s actually a prostitute and now he has to pay her, but he runs away before doing so (but still after having complained about the rising prices).

The lyrics of this song were censored and fought against by the censorship so much that, even to this day, records with the uncensored version are extremely difficult to find.

Una Carezza in un Pugno (1968), by Adriano Celentano

Lyrics and translation here.

Yes, another Celentano song. I don’t like him either, it’s just that we cannot get rid of him for some reason.

Anyways, here we begin to get into hotter waters, as this song is about a man asking his girlfriend to think of him while she masturbates. Of course, since he cannot be left out of the question, he will think of her while he jerks off too.

Basically, unlike what a first read might make you think, the “fist” he makes while thinking of her is not because he wants to beat her up.

Il Triangolo (1978), by Renato Zero

Lyrics and translation here.

Renato Zero is another extremely flamboyant personality of the Italian music scene, and “Il Triangolo” is one of the songs of his that are best known.

As the title may suggest, this song is about a threesome. The protagonist goes on a date with their boyfriend and finds out that he has brought a second man, with the intention of convincing said protagonist to have a threesome. Although at first they need a little convincing, the protagonist then agrees to it and finds out they enjoy it a lot, to the point of coming to the conclusion that “Geometry is not a crime”!

Kobra (1980), by Donatella Rettore

Lyrics and translation here.

This song is about dicks, there’s no way around it and there’s nothing else to say. The singer sees a certain man and thinks about his dick, getting wet and fantasizing about the many things she could do with said dick. That’s it.

Pensiero Stupendo (1978), by Patty Pravo

Lyrics and translations here.

Second threesome song!

Unlike “Il Triangolo”, this song is a lot more subtle. It’s clear what the singer is talking about, but the lyrics are not as on the nose and leave more to the audience to feel it, rather than hearing it through words.

The song begins with the three people part of the threesome that are already doing it, and are still doing it by the time the song ends. It’s not about the act in and on itself, but more about the sensations it brings.

Ancora ancora ancora (1978), by Mina

Lyrics and translation here.

Second song written by Malgioglio!

Mina is probably one of the best known Italian singers, as her voice is said to be one of the best in recorded history and has an impressive rage of three octaves, so it really says something, the fact that this piece is so difficult that even her voice broke while holding a note (in an incredible way that only gives it character, but still).

The lyrics play with the fact that in Italian the word “ancora” can be translated and understood as “still”, “again”, and “more”. I couldn’t really give it justice in the translation, but it’s as if she was saying “Your hands still”, “Your hands again”, and “More of your hands” at the same time, and this kind of logic is repeated for every “ancora” she sings.

Even if the lyrics are suggestive, what was censored in this case was the video (the one linked with the song), as the close shots of the singer’s face, and especially of her mouth, were considered to be too sensual to be freely aired.

L’importante è Finire (1975), by Mina

Lyrics and translation here.

Third and last piece written by Malgioglio!

The story behind this song is a little nebulous, but I have read that apparently Malgioglio wrote it for Dori Ghezzi, De Andrè’s wife, but that that project never came to life and, in the meantime, he had managed to meet Mina, and had tried to get her to sing it. But... not sure if this story is directly related to the song in question or not.

Anyways, even for this piece it’s impossible to escape it’s meaning, to the point that, even if it didn’t contain any forbidden words, it was censored anyways for weeks, forbidding radios to air it and Mina to sing it on TV. However, people were so eager to listen to it that it still managed to climb the charts and was, eventually, allowed on air.

[taekooktimeline]

1 : I disagree with the anon who thinks tae has a hard time dealing with his sexuality and jk does not. In the earlier years, tae said very conservative things but since a long time now, he has been the loudest supporter of lgbt of the entire group, answers harshly to delulu fangirls and even implied he wanted to sing his love christmas song only with a man because he chose to not release it when a big hit producer made him sang with adora instead of jimin.

Disclaimer - please keep in mind the below is our opinion / theory on the topic at hand. The timeline is separate from asks and we strive to remain credible, and driven by facts, there. In asks we more freely theorize. Thank you!

Sara: These are my rough thoughts as of 9th of November 2020. General Disclaimer - I could easily change my mind about anything that I say that isn’t included in the actual Timeline due to the extreme level of insight or subjectiveness that asks usually require which can only be answered with opinions in development and insufficient pondering / research. Well, this turned into a discussion which is good :) I do agree that Jk also struggles with his identity and is afraid to be outed without being prepared, which is natural. This would fall in line with him saying he didn’t want “a kiss from a boy” as he panicked in his coming of age day back in 2016 when he already knew he liked Tae (the famous day joon called for tae to kiss him). Mind you, on that same trip Tae said it was weird to hold a man's hand in public when he saw JK and hobi holding hands in the streets of Europe. I don’t think Tae said that due to jealousy. I think it was his internalized homophobia speaking (meaning self-rejecting feelings that are so common within lgbtq individuals where they are affected by what society considers correct. That’s where self-hate comes from). Both Jk and Tae deal with internalized homophobia and they’ll probably deal with it their entire lives to some extent, because it doesn’t necessarily disappear in its entirety even if you come out and “accept” yourself, especially if you live in a conservative environment. I can tell they’ve both come a long way though and they are much more comfortable in their own skin. It’s beautiful how Tae has embraced gay culture and clearly feels part of the lgbtq community. I think Tae seeks for belonging while Jk is much more “independent” and I personally think the idea of “a community” doesn’t resonate with him as much. I don’t know if it’s due to him being a huge introvert or what but not every non-straight person needs to be immersed in the gay scene. There was a time that Jk repeatedly mentioned Troye Sivan as his top 3 favorite singer (while he was self-discovering), recommended “memo” by years & years, etc, and we don’t know what he enjoys in his private life so...at least we know he did find solace in gay public figures during an important period of his life. I love Tae being sassy and shutting down fan’s fantasies, but Jk playing along is innocent and his way of being “friendly”. Jk is the opposite of what toxic masculinity looks like so I don’t see him going out of his way to look straight. He does whatever he wants. He uses women’s perfume, unironically fixed his long hair up into 2 cute ponytails while eating out, enjoys cosmetics and does his own makeup, owns pink items, etc. I’m just saying he doesn’t have a fragile masculinity. Saying bro is just for laughs and to sound cool and american. Him saying he didn’t think he could fall for a guy was a joke to overly compliment hobi while not outing himself. It’s not that serious. He didn’t have the need to joke about crushing on hobi, but he did so VOLUNTARILY. To me it seems like he is pretty comfortable with himself as of now, but remember they are closeted and in a delicate situation.

Kayla - hi anon! The beauty of discussions is each is entitled to their opinion. Respectful discussions are fun - thanks for being kind in your ask☺️I personally think Jk referencing “I’m still me” then taking the time to draw it in artwork speaks volumes. It was around the time Joon recommended a song from the movie and it’s a famous quote so to me, that’s not a coincidence, though you’re entitled to discard it if you wish. I also think we need to consider the context of Jk calling Tae bro - an interview in which he looked at his lips at one point, and caressed his back as he said that word. Those two were pretty affectionate through the overall interview. For some, the bro comment is proof TK aren’t together. For me, context is critical. That moment never dissuaded me on them being “real”. I know some will disagree on that so please know that’s simply my interpretation of that moment. Plus my UK friend said soon after that moment she calls her partner “bro” jokingly so I second Sara it may be as simple as that in why Jk said it. As far as the Hobi comment, I feel like that statement alone shows Jk is part of the lgbtq community. He flat out is saying he fell for a man … and I anticipate one would argue he’s joking but, for me, there’s truth in jest. He didn’t have to say that comment yet he did. I just want to leave it as I don’t agree Jk wants to come off straight at all. I mean don’t forget this is the same guy who also said grapes were more interesting than the girls at the shoot...and this was in his teenage years so🤷🏻‍♀️some may say he was just nervous around the women and that is, of course, totally okay if they interpret it that way. I just view that comment differently. And he’s wearing genderless clothes this year (2020) and changed the lyrics of “savage love” to be genderless, so he shows support, it’s just not in a bold way like Tae. He’s worn a paper clip earring and suppprted lgbtq artists so he does acknowledge the community. I think it just comes down to some people place greater weight on others knowing their identity.

I think Tae wants people to know, hence why he’s expressed loud support in various ways, whereas Jk doesn’t really feel like he needs to address it. My take is Jk genuinely just doesn’t care how people perceive him, and that’s why he isn’t as vocal as Tae, who seems to indicate he really wants people to know his identity. Jk is fortunate to have a progressive family (an example being during his vlive he said, “Anyway, my parents were like that. When I was young, no matter what I did, they let me be and do whatever I wanted to do”), he has loving and supporting members - that support system must have helped greatly as he went through his exploration and struggles. He absolutely struggled, and I agree on that, but I think it was easier for him in some ways because of his environment / support system, and who he is personality wise. Jk is a man of action, not as bothered by the opinion of others (again, we can look to his tattoos as a big indicator of this) whereas Tae seeks validation, even this year, from ARMY. Him saying during pride month, after reading the CMBYN monologue “I want to be happy too🥺” to me shows he still struggled with public perception. Personally, based on private talks I don’t want to get into too deeply in this public setting, I think Tae came more to peace with himself this year. But I do personally think Tae had a harder time coming to terms than Jk did (and has alluded as much when he’s mentioned his struggles with school and puberty, plus some of his solo work). Let me be clear, both struggled, and as Sara says both dealt with internalized homophobia, and I don’t think anyone would disagree with that, but Tae’s overall loudness, for me, shows he wants people to know. That’s why he’s loud. Jk not being loud doesn’t mean, to me, he wants to come off straight. Jk has done an amazing job over the years of smashing others’ preconceived masculinity beliefs and he does it comfortably. For me, it shows he’s just not bothered as much by public perception. He is who he is and it doesn’t matter what people see or think. I’ll agree that Tae definitely is the most vocal member, and seeing him happier and appearing at peace makes me happy, and I definitely don’t think he has any issue with people speculating. I really think it’s important to him for us to know, and i think he wants us to know. As an aside, I know I’m just a fan but I'm super happy for Tae seeming to be more accepting of himself. I know a lot of people, including myself, are touched by him, as well as the other members, for the various ways they’ve shown support to the LGBTQ community.

PS - thanks again for being respectful in initiating further discussions on this topic Anon💜sometimes checking the inbox makes me anxious so I immensely appreciate when people can hold a respectful and kind debate on various topics.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hi this may not be new to everyone but I was recently introduced to the concept of questioning God. I was raised with the idea that you do not question Them bc who do we think we are to question God, and to question Them is to lack faith. I'm still trying to wrap my head round this new idea so sorry if this sounds really silly and naive but why would we want to question God? And is questioning God=lack of faith? Sorry if this was messily worded

Hey there, anon! When you’ve been raised never to question God, the idea of questioning them can be kind of scary -- but hopefully you will find it to be freeing and empowering and enriching, too! 

Now, I think most Christians would ascribe to some sort of “who are we to question God?” type mindset, as you name. I think I probably do, insofar as that means I tend to understand God as omniscient; I do believe that God’s answers and God’s will are Right and Just, are Correct, and that I don’t really have any hope of “proving God wrong.” But even so, it’s not a failure of faith to question anyway! As this post will assert, questioning is a healthy and powerful part of faith. 

For in questioning God, in going on a journey of reflection and asking God what the heck is up, I will learn and grow -- I will discover what God’s will truly is, and just why it is Right and Just. And I will grow deeper in relationship with God on the way. 

___________

(Before expounding on all of that, I want to add that there may well be some Christians who do believe that God might could be proven wrong -- or at least that God is open to learning and changing God’s mind! Diversity of faith and interpretation is valuable and worthy of respect. 

After all, there are stories in scripture where God changes Hir mind -- Xe is convinced by Abraham not to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah if even just 10 righteous people live there; and by Moses to spare the people of Israel. 

And then there is one of my favorite stories from the life of Jesus, i.e. God Incarnate, where he seems to get schooled by a Canaanite or Syrophoenician woman. I’ve got a sermon on this very story and what it might mean about God’s relationship with us as one open to give-and-take, growth and change! 

If I’m not mistaken, a faith that makes room for the possibility of God changing God’s mind is more similar to most Jewish persons’ beliefs about God than a “God is always right. period.” type mentality. Anyway, back to the main point of this post!)

___________

Questioning God does not = a lack of faith. After all, countless faithful figures in scripture asked questions of God, from Moses to Habakkuk, from the psalmist to Jesus himself. See this post for examples!

In fact, many say that questioning God is actually evidence of a deep and vibrant faith. (Again, this idea is a Big Deal for our Jewish neighbors.) 

If you dare to question, if you spend time and energy pondering hard topics and you engage with God as you do so, that’s a sign that you care. That you want to know what is true about God, what is true about God’s will for us. You’re not willing to swallow lies or submit to easy answers. That’s powerful faith. As Rachel Held Evans puts it in her book Inspired,

“If I’ve learned anything from thirty-five years of doubt and belief, it’s that faith is not passive intellectual assent to a set of propositions. It’s a rough-and-tumble, no-holds-barred, all-night-long struggle, and sometimes you have to demand your blessing rather than wait around for it.”

___________

Now, saying all this stuff about faith probably requires a redefining of faith. If you’ve grown up being told that faith is as simple as believing in God, as not doubting God’s existence or God’s will, all of this stuff about faith being a struggle or a conversation with God or any of that doesn’t make much sense. So here are some quotes + places you can go to explore new meanings of just what faith is:

“The opposite of faith is not doubt, it’s certainty -- because what need do the certain have for faith?” - Science Mike, The Liturgists. 

"The opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns." - Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith

It can also be helpful to understand faith not as an achievement, but as a gift -- not something we earn, but are given freely. See this post. 

The idea of faith being a journey with ups and downs, and doubt not being faith’s enemy but a healthy part of it, can be explored in this posts + the posts linked in that one.

I find Barbara Brown Taylor’s discussions of a full solar faith vs. a lunar faith in her book Learning to Walk in the Dark very helpful when discussing a relationship with God that allows us to bring Her all our questions and doubts and messy emotions. I described her idea of the perils of a full-solar faith in which we cannot question God and must act happy & thankful all the time in this older post.

____________

Okay. Let’s get to the part of asking questions of God that excites me the most -- using our questions as a way to enrich our relationships with God!

God longs for real, mutual relationships with us -- and that can’t happen if we are unquestioningly obedient, right? A relationship cannot be one-sided; it cannot be unbalanced; it must involve a willingness on both sides to hear the other out. It must allow for vulnerability, for confusion, for communication. 

In asking questions of God, we can grow in relationship with Them. And we will be following in a long tradition of good and faithful people who have done the same! 

Here’s a quote on how sharing our questions and frustrations with God can actually deepen our relationship with them:

"My favorite Quaker example of this willingness to confront God is a story told by a woman who was so frustrated with her life she began berating God. For nearly an hour, she told God how pissed off she was with Him. Finally, her anger subsided and she heard a “still, small voice” whisper to her: “Finally, we can have an honest relationship.”"

- Anthony Manousos

And another quote about how letting God in on our anger or frustration towards Them is an important part of being honest and connecting with Them:

“Is it ever acceptable to be angry at God? I would suggest that it is not only acceptable, it may be one of the hallmarks of a truly religious person. It puts honesty ahead of flattery.” - Harold S. Kushner

_____________

An additional reason we would want to question God is because sometimes, what we are really questioning is whether a certain thing we have been told is actually of God is or not. Often, when we question God what we’re really questioning is the ideas of God that have been fed to us by other human beings. 

For instance, if we have been told that the Bible holds nothing but God’s direct word and will, and then find passages that seem to promote harmful things like genocide or slavery, it is right and good and human to question whether such things are actually promoted by God! 

“Accepting the Bible’s war stories without objection threatened to erase my humanity. ‘We don’t become more spiritual by becoming less human,’ Eugene Peterson said. How could I love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength while disengaging those very faculties every time I read the Bible?” - Rachel Held Evans, Inspired

Or if we’ve been told that LGBT relationships are not God’s will, but then we see such relationships bearing good fruit while the repression of an LGBT identity bears bad fruit, it’s sensible and good to question what God’s will in this matter really is.

"If same-sex relationships are really sinful, then why do they so often produce good fruit—loving families, open homes, self-sacrifice, commitment, faithfulness, joy? And if conservative Christians are really right in their response to same-sex relationships, then why does that response often produce bad fruit—secrets, shame, depression, loneliness, broken families, and fear?" - Rachel Held Evans

For more on this element of questioning God that is more about questioning scripture or certain church teachings / leaders, see my “Framework for Interpreting Scripture” page on my website. 

_________

I’ll close by commending to you my #wrestling God tag. There you will see many examples of faithful people asking God questions, bringing their difficult emotions and their doubts to God, and even getting snarky with God! For instance, a post with verses expressing anger or confusion towards God.

Finally, if you dive into what it means to ask questions of God, things might get overwhelming for a while -- some people find that taking these steps causes them to feel like everything they thought they know about God has changed. If that happens to you, I’ve got a post that aims to guide you through some steps to getting to know God again. 

Best of luck to you, anon, as you continue your faith journey! Please let me know if you have any more questions as you go! 

[carewyncromwell]

I don't know if you want to talk about this (and feel free to ignore this if you don't want to answer), but I wanted to ask which side of the Ethren mess you're on? I know in the beginning you were on his side, but I've seen so much hate and so many accusations and I don't know what to believe anymore, and I trust your judgement

I have to be honest -- when I first saw that a blog had been created with the specific purpose of “calling out” someone in the HPHM fandom...I blocked it.

I come to this fandom largely to escape from the real world. It’s been one of the few remaining sanctuaries I’ve had during this quarantine and from my own mental health problems. I’ve made a lot of friends in this community, and I feel very strongly about putting out more positive content than negative, as well as trying to digest more positive than negative. I don’t like the thought of a stranger posting stuff online about someone else who -- let’s be honest -- nobody truly knows unless they actually physically know them IRL. Unless one wants to go down an entire rabbit hole of getting to know a person uncomfortably well, there’s not much anyone can do to prove what’s true. And I know it sounds really immature and selfish of me, but...I was never that interested in learning much about this fandom’s members’ personal lives, excluding what the friends I’ve made have been willing to confide in me on a case by case basis. I have plenty of my own drama happening over here on my side, and I just want to have fun roleplaying with people’s characters and making content for both mine and theirs. It’s been one of the few things that helped me fight back my untreated and severe chronic depression after being furloughed from my job thanks to the COVID-19 shutdown. My job had been my escape, and without it, I was drowning -- one of my only life preservers was making content for this blog. So for my own mental health, I shut out the negativity, because I wasn’t emotionally or mentally able to deal with it. And admittedly, it felt to me as though this sort of thing really shouldn’t be handled online when -- again -- this sort of thing seems like it’d be better handled in the real world and the legal system, rather than in the court of mostly anonymous public opinion. And it also feels kind of nasty to reblog content from people online who simply liked the character Ethren Whitecross and made fan content for him, just to harangue them for it. It’s like attacking all Harry Potter fans for being transphobic just because they enjoyed something created by a trans-exclusionary radical feminist -- particularly when in the case of Ethren, the vast majority of us don’t know Ren personally. One could’ve related to Ethren’s story without knowing anything about his creator, and people did, often not because of any kind of malevolent reasons.

After receiving this message, though, I unblocked the blog in question and read some more of their posts. When I’d first blocked it, the only post of theirs I saw in the HPHM tag came across as rather hostile, and combined with Ren’s blog saying that an ex was stalking him, I don’t think it’s unsurprising that some people were initially warded off by it. But reading some of the other stuff written on that blog since...I must acknowledge there’s a lot of troubling stuff there. It made me very upset, and made me kind of regret that I’d initially jumped into making a stance without hearing both sides. But at the same time, considering that someone from outside the fandom had arrived specifically to target someone in the fandom, supposedly on behalf of someone else who also had no ties to the fandom, it looked a lot like cyberbullying to me at the time. Now it’s very clear there’s more to the story, and for that initial leap to judgment, I am sorry. I wasn’t in a place where I understood fully what the discussion was about before I took a side, and that’s something I should know better than to do.

But I think this comes down to, in the end, my answer to your question, regarding sides.

I don’t want to take a side -- because I didn’t come to the HPHM fandom to fight people. I came here to be happy.

I know someone could read this as cowardly and ignorant, but please, understand that I thought long and hard about this. This place has been a safe space for me, and I understand it has been for others as well -- a place where we can go to enjoy art and fanfiction for something we enjoy and roleplay as new, interesting characters with other people who have similar interests and creative leanings. I thoroughly understand that it can’t truly be a safe space if we allow people who would threaten other people’s safety into it, and I also thoroughly understand that people can include problematic aspects of themselves into their characters along with good things (just look at how J.K.’s apparent subliminal views on the LGBT+ community influenced how she’s handled Dumbledore). Both things are definitely things to be aware of, and it’ll be an ongoing struggle to try to propagate a truly welcoming and positive, and yet safe and supportive community. There will always be shadows and dark spots that aren’t easy to see, just like with all fandoms, and it’s good to now and again take the time to examine them.

But to quote a line from one of my favorite songs, “it’s hard to light a candle, easy to curse the dark instead.”  I cannot log onto my computer and into this fandom every day and think about openly attacking someone else, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. This feels like something that the victim should handle herself in the real world, and I truly hope that she finds peace in whatever path she takes. But that is her story to tell, to write, and to play out -- it’s not mine. Mine is a story I have written and am still writing, where I’ve tried to find a way to be happy and be a good person despite everything in my life that has made that so difficult. And so I truly feel the only way I can approach this situation is to not let the things that hurt and drain me have power over my life, and put my energy toward things that build me up instead. I try not to visit tags or places online that could be triggering, and simply enjoy the things I do like. I’ve stopped spending money on things Harry Potter-related because of Jo’s stance on transgender rights, but still engage in the HP fandom and celebrate what is good in the original material and especially what its fandom has made out of it. In this case, I will simply do the same, particularly since from the look of things, Ren’s blog is no longer around for anyone to interact with anyway, positively or not. I’ll engage with blogs whose work I can still enjoy and give me some light when I most need it, and try my best to keep creating more light of my own for others. I will light candles, and little by little, I’d like to think the room will be bright enough that the dark will be significantly smaller and less scary than it was.

I understand if any of you disagree with or are angry about anything I’ve said. I know “playing both sides” is not a great thing to do, and I truly don’t mean to. But I’m afraid I do have to take my own side here, for my own mental and emotional well-being. I responded to this Ask because I felt like saying nothing would’ve truly been the cowardly thing to do, by pretending the issue isn’t there at all. I’m not pretending it isn’t there -- but I do think it’s a battle I’m ill-equipped to engage in, not because of my personal morals, but because I don’t feel emotionally able to play the role of judge, jury, and executioner in this court of public opinion.

[mashpotatoe]

what about lgbt realization hcs for main 4??? i love ur take on cartmans and i wanna hear abt the others too

ooooh for sure!!! ill admit its a bit less thought out but yknow... stan takes a fairly long time to realize how he feels around certain people, like how he felt a bit uncomfortable with gary harrison cause his dumb little monkey brain didnt exactly know how to perceive those kinda feelings and although his and wendys relationship at the time wasnt really going anywhere (they werent even hanging out together at recess!!) hed convinced himself he cant feel for anybody else... that didnt stop him from daydreaming abt spending more time with gary in class. that would be his first big boy crush... :) but he never acts upon it, just turns goth the second wendy breaks up with him and he cant use her as an excuse not to talk to gary. then the events of the cissie happen and he starts questioning his cisness cuz he identifies more with his masculine side but doesnt fit with the binary term...so he decides hes more comfortable identifying as enby but not really putting any labels on his gender. hes just a little boy... a non binary boy.....while mr stan "being gay is okay" marsh is totally accepting of lgbtq he does have a hard time figuring stuff out for himself not necessarily because of internalized hatred but more of just sheer lack of information. he didnt quite know bi was a thing till then, he likes wendy a whole but his love for her wears off gradually everytime they get back together... and sometimes he do be feeling that exact same way around boys.. one of those boy fellas being his best buddy friend forever which he develops feelings for every so often... until pining so hard it hurts :( now kyle at that time is completely oblivious, not just to stanley but to whatevers going on inside his brain. he doesnt feel much attachment to anyone but him and maaaybe just maybe the other two main four members... sure he likes girls. but most of the time he just convinces himself he does..? now i know theres people agaisnt hcing minors as ace cause it quote implies the others are sexually active (no??) but im basing it more off my personal experience and how it affected my romantic attachments if that makes sense ... kyle met a lot of other kids he thought cute, he loved to play nurse with rebecca and joke with david... he loves girls giving him attention! makes him feel loved!  now back to stann um he breaks his silence in middle skewl after a while and finally tells kyle how hes been feeling and kyles just kind of o_o cause the dumbass didnt??? see it coming? but kyle says he doesnt return his feelings... right away! things become a bit awkward around them, stan tries to bury his feelings yet kyle actually starts to consider it. it takes him a whole month (which is like a decade in teenage years) to realize that... being in a relationship with stanely marsh would be kinda nice.... he finally goes up to stan and suggests they SHOULD date after all but stan doesnt take this asshole playing with his emotions lightly and they have their first fight aw <3 they Do get together in the end... they hold hands and hug every time they get to see each other so uhh nothing much is changed???? then they decide to try n Gay Kiss and the rest is history.... no it isnt they break up frequently and the relationship doesnt work out that great but they had a nice time :) now kenny has always been open about what theyre comfortable with! they insist on being referred to as she/her when playing princess kenny and he/him when playing as mysterion, so just whenever they feel like identifying with one or the other or anything inbetween theyll let their friends know about it and dont give it that much thought. they start noticing theyre not only okay with identifying as pretty much anything, but there also fond of pretty much anyone! le gender blind.... so yeah kenny is loud and clear about it since day one :o) their coming out timeline is like ... first kenny comes out as genderfluid at 11, stan comes out as enby few days after, then kenny declares their pansexuality at 13, both stan and kyle come out as bi at 14 then ky finds out what asexual means and comes out as that 2 years later and biggity bitch eric comes out at 17 after Much struggling.........

[opalescient]

the most beautiful actual book recs — pride month edition 🥰🌈✨

june 28 is a big day in pride history; on this day in 1969, patrons of the Stonewall Inn and other bars decided to be a catalyst for change and stand up against the police raids targeted at members of the lgbt community. they are now known as the ones who inspired the lgbt protests. so in commemoration of their bravery, here are some lgbt novels! lack of media representation is real mans. i hope you guys like them 🤍

we are okay by nina lacour ☆

You go through life thinking there’s so much you need…

Until you leave with only your phone, your wallet, and a picture of your mother.

Marin hasn’t spoken to anyone from her old life since the day she left everything behind. No one knows the truth about those final weeks. Not even her best friend, Mabel. But even thousands of miles away from the California coast, at college in New York, Marin still feels the pull of the life and tragedy she’s tried to outrun. Now, months later, alone in an emptied dorm for winter break, Marin waits. Mabel is coming to visit, and Marin will be forced to face everything that’s been left unsaid and finally confront the loneliness that has made a home in her heart.

TW: depression, grief

hi this is my favourite book of all time

this book was the (very tearful) final step of my pansexual awakening :”)

lesbian and so FUCKING BEAUTIFULLLL

you will finish this in one sitting. bet.

favourite quote: “I was afraid of how we lived without opening doors.”

they both die at the end by adam silvera

On September 5, a little after midnight, Death-Cast calls Mateo Torrez and Rufus Emeterio to give them some bad news: They’re going to die today.

Mateo and Rufus are total strangers, but, for different reasons, they’re both looking to make a new friend on their End Day. The good news: There’s an app for that. It’s called the Last Friend, and through it, Rufus and Mateo are about to meet up for one last great adventure—to live a lifetime in a single day.

you’ve probably seen this on booktok

made me so angry-sad??? because can we only truly live in the face of death?????

also gay. i love how personal and realistic it is, but how could you rip them apart like that???

favourite quote: “We were all lost and okay with not being found for a while.”

how it feels to float by helena fox

Biz knows how to float. She has her people, her posse, her mom and the twins. She has grace. And she has her dad, who tells her about the little kid she was, who loves her so hard, and who shouldn’t be here but is. So Biz doesn’t tell anymore anything. Not about her dark, runaway thoughts, not about kissing Grace or noticing Jasper, the new boy. And she doesn’t tell anyone about her dad. Because her dad died when she was six. And Biz knows how to float, right there on the surface— normal okay regular fine.

But after what happens on the beach—first in the ocean, and then in the sand--the tethers that hold Biz steady come undone. Dad disappears, and with him, all comfort. It might be easier, better, sweeter to float all the way away? Or maybe stay a little longer, find her father, bring him back to her. Or maybe—maybe maybe maybe—there's a third way Biz just can't see yet.

TW: grief, trauma

the emotion in this book. so vivid and raw.

very unique writing style that nailed every single emotion and thought and wow i am in love with this book

made me feel so full of love at the end 🥺

favourite quote: “I think of hearts in bodies and the rhythm inside us we don’t get to choose.”

the hand, the eye, the heart by zoe marriott

Zhilan was assigned female at birth; despite an unusual gift for illusions, they know they will live out their life in the perfumed confines of the women’s quarters. But when civil war sets the country aflame, Zhilan is the only one who can save their disabled Father from death on the battlefield.

By taking his place.

Surviving brutal army training as a male recruit – Zhi – is only the first challenge. Soon Zhi’s unique talents draw them into an even more perilous fight, in the glittering court of the Land of Dragons, where love and betrayal are two sides of the same smile. The fate of an Empire rests on Zhi’s shoulders. But to win, they must first decide where their loyalty, and their heart, truly belongs.

TW: mentions of prostitution, rape, war, slight ptsd

mulan, but make it trans. and better.

i love the ambiguity and fluidity written into the non-binary character!!! tied with the morally grey plotline!!!! nice!!!!!!

also i would say that there’s a major plot twist but i CALLED IT

there’s a happy ending for this, disney style, but still sooooo good ☺️✨

favourite quote: “People trust their eyes above all else— but most people see what they wish to see, or what they believe they should see; not what is really there.”

[path-of-my-childhood]

Did it bother you that Taylor Swift was, some would argue, rather late to the game in terms of being an LGBT ally? You know, of course we always wish somebody would be vocal from day one but I also can very much understand the pressure that she’s been through being basically owned by a record label and being told by a publicist and record labels what you need to say and shouldn’t say, what you shouldn’t get involved in. You know as quote-unquote celebrities, we’re always told, “Oh be as neutral as possible, you don’t wanna offend people on the left or the right, stay out of politics, stay out of issues,” which some of us find much easier than others. You know, I often get myself in trouble because I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. Jonathan’s the same way and so I can understand why she felt pressured to not be an ally, to not get involved publicly, you know what I mean? I don’t hold it against her, all I can do is be as very happy that she is using her power to make a difference now and I couldn’t love her more. She’s one of the most sweet, humble, down-to-earth people I’ve met. You never really know what to expect when you meet somebody like her because a lot of people I’ve met in Hollywood and entertainment come across as one thing and then you meet them in person and they are not at all that thing and it can be very sad and disappointing, so it was a great feeling when I got to meet her and hang out with her and realize that she really is what she portrays out there, she really is this sweet, loving girl who just wants to make the world a better place.

What was it like filming “You Need to Calm Down” video? Surely all those celeb cameos - you were not all there at the same time I imagine? All of us were but Tan. He was filming the season finale of “Next in Fashion” that day, so Jonathan and I went from watching the runway show of Tan’s finale directly to Taylor’s set and we met Antoni and Karamo there, so four of us were there together but Tan filmed his separately.

Was Ellen or Adam Rippon or any of those people there that day? Adam was there, he and I are actually friends. Hannah Hart was there, um - who else was there that day? They’re the only ones I remember being directly around us. The set was so massive and they filmed it over I think a week, so different celebs would come in at different times. Some would film in a studio in front of a green screen, for example Tan’s was shot in a studio, so yeah, we weren’t always there at the same time, that would have been chaos. Oh Todrick Hall was there as well.

[fotiathymos]

do you have trans hcs for any other characters in promare? :0

I do! under cut cause im a TALKER whoops.

uhhh trigger warning that i do talk a bit about transphobia and unsupportive family.

I realize in my last post I didn’t mention it but Gueira and Meis aren’t cis! 

Gueira was born intersex and doesn’t agree to calling himself cis or trans. He is proud to be intersex. (do know this is a fictional character and not all real life people who are intersex agree or disagree with calling themselves cis or trans.)

Gueira uses he/him pronouns but doesn’t strictly dress masculine. Really just a comfy clothes wearer. 

Meis is trans genderfluid. Mostly uses they/them pronouns and has girl days or boy days sometimes where they can be more okay with she/her or he/him. Just leans into a mix usually. Actually doesn’t like being called Gueira’s boyfriend and rather ‘partner’. Gueira says it like a cowboy usually to make Meis giggle.

I do enjoy Ignis being an trans elder. (He is like 55 in my mind not 40 as i think canon states?) Ignis knew Galo was trans upon entering the job but of course did not out Galo to everyone. Galo isn’t secretive about being trans though. When Galo finds out Ignis is trans he cries happy tears and hugs him, making Ignis just a lil uncomfortable but not rejecting the hug.. hes got a reputation Galo.

I always had it in my head that Galo joined Burning Rescue and challenged all their thoughts on gender and etc. Considering they all grew up in a strict propaganda filled city some of them mightve just heard of terms but not thought about it too hard for..reasons. But then Galo comes into the work place being the ‘queer kid’ and wouldn’t take any bullshit. He grew up mostly by themself, discovered things on his own and does still feel that outward pressure to conform (esp with Kray, Galo is the most ‘passing as cis’ as he can be around Kray most times). So I thought mostly about everyone in BR were cis, not all of them straight but cis...bbuuutttt

Galo makes everyone question their thoughts on gender cause Galo is so open about his own and loves helping others. Galo does ‘mask’ themself sometimes and at first joining didn’t go full blown open. But one day Lucia needs a tampon and Galo had one in his bag and Lucia is like ‘um what?’ Galo goes casual and just ‘oh yeah.. i don’t need them anymore but its become habit to carry it around yaknow and you never know when it could come in handy!’

Lucia is the first to question if its okay to be non-binary lesbian, like maybe shes not entirely strictly ‘girl’. She’s loud and proud about being gay, lesbian flag above her desk, talks bout going to lesbian bars and wanting to just hold a girls hand. So she’s the first to feel okay enough to question herself gender wise.

Varys is that guy you might know in life who is just chill about everything. Galo comes out to Varys casually one day and Varys doesn’t linger on it at all. “Trans? Hell yeah! We still going out for bbq? Double hell yeah!” But he’s also a guy you never know whats going on in their head. He just remembers weirdly specific things you say sometimes and comes back at you with them later. Galo mentioned briefly that sunflowers remind him of his mother. Varys mails Galo sunflowers when Galo takes the day off on his mothers bday. Varys also randomly texts Galo ‘hey you know how youre trans, can i be like not always a man?’ 

Remi............................reMI UH. Remi is weird in my head. I feel hes that guy who just makes everything into a TMI or sex joke or just awkwardly flirts with everyone he becomes friendly with. Like just pushes the boundaries cause he thinks were friends now i can do this, without realizing hes over stepped them. That guy who thinks just cause your his friend now we can talk about sex casually. Hes quick to apologize when told off but still. I’m horrible I feel like Remi is that guy who’d consider him getting pegged by his girlfriend means he’s in with the lgbt crowd. He’s cis and comfortable with that and is confused by non-binary identities but won’t insult his coworkers and respect them. Eventually he’ll learn that just cause you are over 18 now, not everything in the world is related to sex. Idk if that made sense or if I threw him under the die-cis-scum buss too hard.

AND THEN THERE IS AINA.

Who... I adore. And even my head canons for her contrast and complement Galo like her story/character in the movie. So....shes trans.

We don’t get info about her family life but I’m assuming her sister raised her by herself and the parents weren’t in the picture. Aina came out to her sister right out of high school. Heris was starting college and working to provide for her and Aina. She flipped out on her and her words were ‘i dont care if youre a girl or a boy but those hormones can be pricey we dont have insurance you cant get surgery your too young, etc etc’ Unsupported in misreading the situation as an inconvenience to money and life and not the actuality of Aina just being herself and wanting to be honest about it. 

Aina gets ignored as her sisters career and life revolves around a sudden job with the Foundation. But Heris has money now. And is “supportive” in giving Aina money. Pays for her HRT, doctor visits, therapy, and then eventually training to be in Burning Rescue. And Heris is adamant that Aina never, EVER tells anyone she’s trans. Sweeps up any possible info about that under the rug. Doesn’t want to be looked at with a bad eye from Foresight. What Heris feels is a safety measure for her family is what Aina sees as shame. Kinda reflecting how Heris in the movie sees that shes doing ‘all this for you, Aina’ only for it to be cruel and harmful directly to Aina.

Aina doesn’t know what drew her to Galo. He’s cute and nice and friendly. Maybe it’s a crush? He understands me and no one ever did. He respects me for me. “Youre you Aina and theres nothing wrong with that.” (I forget the exact quote) The words play in her head for the longest time. She never came out to Burning Rescue for fear, cause Heris said not to, cause its ‘inconvenient’. And suddenly Galo is loud and proud about being trans??? Should she be too?? 

Eventually she confides in Galo. Probably after the Parnassus events. She realizes she doesn’t have a crush and was just not use to someone being nice to her and accepting her. She eventually tells the rest of Burning Rescue. Finds out Ignis knew all along due to paperwork but just once again, Captain isn’t gonna out his team member. 

And then finally during a late night movie sleepover. Galo’s like ‘you know we should hang the trans and non binary flag on the front of the station.’ Lucia goes ‘YEAH a big FUCK YOU to the Foundations normies!!!!’ Aina says ‘we should really run that past Captain first...’ Finally Ignis walks in, tilts down his sunglasses and says ‘I planned for this’ and unveils a flag that just says ‘fight the cis-tem’ and Galo and Lucia SCREAM. Only Galo knew Ignis was trans til that point..

I made a STORY damn.

I hope that wasn’t... too much... thank for reading.... ;u;/

[fantastic-nonsense]

@geisterwand I’m bringing you up from the replies into a whole post because you need to sit down and listen

You are a disingenuous asshole. Bernie never chose the precise location in Texas for the waste disposal, and if you store it somewhere wet it contaminates the groundwater table. You're just posting disinformation. Next, the "wow how DARE he run against a wamen!!1" whinging is stupid as fuck

Bitching and concern trolling because Rogan, who committed the horrible crime of having 5 year old bad tweets endorsed Sanders, but being completely silent with the NYT endorsement of Warren despite the NYT's role in starting the Iraq War which killed hundreds of thousands of people, displaced many more and pushed the region into further chaos. But hey I guess to you, bad tweets are just SO much worse than dead citizens in the ME

you're also, of course, intentionally and dishonestly misquoting him about Castro but I think it's pretty clear at this point that even a fleck of honesty is too much to expect from you

and ALSO if it's apparently misogynistic to dare to run against warren, then it's also anti-semitic for warren to run against sanders. go figure out which of those ranks higher on the idpol totem pole and get back to me

You are a nearly 30-year-old man with an anime blog ranting at me in the notes of my own post because you can’t conceive of holding a man accountable for his own electoral failures. You are a grown-ass adult man talking like this in the year 2020. You have ZERO basis to stand on here.

I am not, in fact, a “disingenuous asshole.” You are the one that came onto MY post (SEVERAL of my posts actually. Like...bro. Get a fucking life) to genuinely tell me that, because I said that y’all have been rude-ass motherfuckers to everyone for five years and trashed anyone that remotely disagreed with you and I was no longer going to hold your hand about your shitty behavior, said that “performative woke class reductionism is not "progressive"” AS IF that hasn’t been Bernie Sanders’ playbook his entire goddamn life. You’re an utter joke.

But to actually answer your rant:

Bernie put his name on that legislation and advocated for it. He supported dumping Vermont’s nuclear waste in Sierra Blanca, a poor Latino community in Texas. He said on the fucking House floor he was in “strong support” of the measure. And he refused to talk to environmental activists about it in 1998, because “My position is unchanged, and you’re not gonna like it.” When they asked if they would visit the site in Sierra Blanca, he said AND I QUOTE: “Absolutely not. I’m gonna be running for re-election in the state of Vermont.” It’s not disinformation. It’s pure hard fact. 

He did the same kind of nonsense with black people from the 60s until 2015...so well that the only thing his supporters can dredge up for how much he’s “supported” the black community can be distilled down to “well he was arrested that one time at a de-segregation protest in the 60s!” Vermont has one of the absolute lowest percentages of black people in the entire country and they make up nearly 10% of the criminal justice system. He did nothing. I can name more.  Sorry your fave isn’t pure and doesn’t actually give a shit about non-white people until he needs their votes. 

“How dare he run against women” that’s not what I meant and you know it. If he was so desperate for Warren to run in 2016? If he was SO SURE a woman could win the presidency? Why the FUCK did he declare his candidacy two weeks after she declared? For someone that supposedly begged her to run in 2016, he and his campaign did every damn thing he possibly could to undercut her run this go around, from declaring another run 2 weeks after she declared to the smears and “lying snake” shit to the "fauxgressive" nonsense. You know how he could have PROVED he thinks a woman can win the presidency? By throwing his full support and fundraising apparatus behind her after she declared her intent to run. Instead he, a 78-year-old white guy who just had a whole-ass heart attack 6 months ago, decided he needed to make another failed presidential run to appease his ego. I have no sympathy. 

Acting like Joe Rogan, a racist, misogynistic, and transphobic fool that peddles in conspiracy theories, is in any way equivalent to one of the largest and generally most-respected newspapers in the United States (and one whose staff has changed several times over in the past twenty years) is utterly ridiculous and you know it. 

Also, Bernie Sanders courting Joe Rogan fans before a single vote had been cast in the Democratic primary is a PRIME example of why he lost so terribly on Tuesday. He showed his true colors too early. He showed where he’d go hunting for votes in the general election. He looked at black voters and said “I care more about the votes of racist Trump voters than I do you.” He looked at women and said “I care more about the people who listen to Joe Rogan’s sexist drivel more than I care about you.” He looked at the LGBT community and said “I care more about the people who agree with his comments over you.” And they saw that...and they voted accordingly. That’s on y’all...and it’s a prime example of Bernie Sanders’ terrible political judgment and uh........what was that? “Woke class reductionism?” That’s a good term; thanks for using it. It’s apt for what he thought he was doing with that nonsense.

And no, I’m not. This is a consistent thing with Bernie; he’s all like ‘oh I oppose authoritarianism and of course they did shitty things!’ but then he keeps praising authoritarian regimes that murdered millions of people because they were socialist/communist and “damn we need that economic system here!!!!” There is a time and place for nuanced discussion about what a regime did well or badly. Making those kinds of comments when you’re trying to win the votes of people whose families were literally murdered by those regimes and fled to the United States to escape them? Not the time or place. Again: terrible political judgement, class and economics over intersectional solidarity and empathy for their multi-generational trauma.

It’s not misogynistic to run against Warren. What’s misogynistic is the way he and his campaign ran against her and treated her the entire damn primary. Keep the fuck up.

Thanks for misrepresenting me and my opinions. Thanks for deigning to grace me with your shitty political viewpoints on my posts. Thanks for “getting involved with politics bullshit” since your blog bio says you don’t like it. And thanks for deciding that I apparently give one single solitary fuck about what a Bernie Sanders apologist has to say to me today, because I don’t and I am exceedingly glad you gave me this lovely, wonderful opportunity to show you just how much I no longer care about appeasing y’all’s nonsense after five years of listening to y’all WHINE about how Bernie was “cheated” and how it “wasn’t fair.” 

Life’s not fair, buddy, and you’re going to find that out when Bernie Sanders loses to ANOTHER subpar moderate candidate for the second time in a row because y’all spent five years straight trashing 70% of the party and then spent the last 8 months trashing your ideological allies, and then arrogantly assumed you are still entitled to their votes because “his policies are popular!” Go back to your anime and video games, grow the fuck up, and learn from this experience.

[nothingunrealistic]

2, 5, 22, 27, 30, 34, 36, 41, 45, 48

2. Favorite scene(s)?

hmm this was a surprisingly hard one… the three failed escape attempts of sheila nail isn’t my favorite song (though i do like it!) but i think it does make for the best Scene in the show. also a big fan of the endings of oh well, i was a teenage delinquent, and the finale

5. Favorite orchestration moment(s)?

the two instances during oh well where there’s no singing and we just get “boom, boom-boom, tsh” repeatedly, incredibly loud and powerful (timestamp 1, timestamp 2)

also the end of the first chorus in oh well, where the sparse orchestration that’s been under the whole song so far gives way to the entire band bursting to life (timestamp)

the horns under the first few lines of susannah’s reprise of masochist that then give way to the full band (timestamp)

i could probably double this if i listened to the whole show again. charlie rosen tony award When

22. Headcanon(s) for what happens between Teenage Delinquent and Finale?

dozens upon dozens lmao, so much so that all the lihn fic i’m writing / planning to write focuses entirely on what happens in that timespan. a few:

the girls get split up after the police arrive at nation - dorothy and ya-ya manage to stick together, but everyone else is separated.

susannah moves to new york city as soon as possible, and that’s where she becomes involved both in professional music circles and in civil rights / lgbt rights activism. this is basically canon tbh

given how often we see rat flipping through a magazine or newspaper and listening to the radio, i think it’d be fun for her to ultimately do something in journalism - maybe writing, maybe photography, maybe being a reporter.

either dorothy or ya-ya (or both!) somehow gets work in hollywood - maybe ya-ya achieves her dream of working on special effects for scifi movies, or dorothy uses her vocal chops to become a voice actress.

i like tatiana wechsler’s idea of judith becoming a very chill therapist  

kitty moves to san francisco and also becomes involved in lgbt rights activism. though none of the girls know for many years where the others are, once susannah becomes famous enough to be sent fanmail, kitty manages to write to her, and they stay in touch for years.

sheila does successfully get to mexico without tearing francis’s head off, and spends several years living and working in various cities in mexico before moving back to, and around, the western united states. she often attends / supports protests and labor strikes.

francis gets attacked by an ocelot :)

27. Teenage Delinquent or Revolution Song?

teenage delinquent! every line from “and if we meet again, how i hope the world is different then” onwards gives me chills, as does the accompanying staging. i’m always a sucker for sunset / sunrise imagery and big dramatic kisses that actually feel narratively earned

30. Scene(s)/concept(s) you would like expanded upon?

i’ve said this repeatedly but i would really like to see a further exploration of the contrast between dorothy’s commitment to playing the part of the Happy Homemaker / being Properly feminine and nurturing, and her implied tomboyish past and current willingness to get violent 

34. A very small detail that you appreciate?

i really like the notebook that susannah carries around that has her logo on it! here are some good pictures that include it

36. Favorite song(s) off the Hits of Nation/character playlists?

i haven’t listened to all these songs / playlists yet, but of the ones i have heard:

jesus was a cross maker - judee sill (i first heard this song via these playlists and listened to it on repeat for DAYS)

be my baby - the ronettes

fast car - tracy chapman

i’m on fire - bruce springsteen

back to black - amy winehouse

rose’s turn from gypsy

41. An anecdote about your experience with LIHN?

thanks to lihn, i have a moment of [!] whenever i unexpectedly hear be my baby anywhere. a couple weeks ago, i heard it playing while i was in the bathroom because my family was watching dirty dancing in the next room; a few days later i heard a salsa cover of it that was partly in spanish and partly in english and that i sadly have not been able to find online.

45. If you could ask a single member of the cast/creative team about one thing, what would it be?

i’d ask joe iconis if sheila’s line about “i like to be with a guy, and then i like to not be with him” is meant to imply that she’s somehow had boyfriends / dated guys despite having been in a juvenile hall since she was nine or if that’s a completely hypothetical statement. or if she’s just flat out lying

48. Favorite time Francis was wrong?

his letter to susannah is just a delightful bevy of Being Wrong. claiming that the crystals sing “will you love me tomorrow”? wrong, as pointed out by susannah. saying that he is “following [his] moonlight” like kerouac? the quote he appears to be referencing is from allen ginsberg (and was also written in the 1980s, but no matter…). saying that by the time susannah gets his letter, it will have been a week since they saw each other? it’s been nine days! wrong again!

(Love in Hate Nation ask list!)

[jaredhollyheiditruth]

Lexi Camille

You may not know who Lexi Camille is. That’s not surprising. While she is a cosplayer and convention goer, she’s not one of the more well-known ones. Here’s her Twitter profile.

If she’s on this blog, you know there’s a reason, and you know who it’s related to. Lexi was a participant in Jared’s porn blog, SinJared, back while it ran, and even met him and Heidi at a convention. I’ll save you the trouble of doing the math: Lexi was over 18 when the blog started, so she was legal the entire time.

The reason she’s on the blog is because she’s been saying conflicting things about Jared ever since the drama started to unfold. I’m obviously not going to make an entry on every single person that has something negative to say about Jared, or even everyone that’s had interactions with him. Lexi is here for the same reason Heidi is here; she’s been caught contradicting herself.

Ever since the split between Jared and Heidi began, Lexi’s been very vocal about how terrible Jared is, and how he abused her interest in him, how he manipulated and controlled her. 

Lexi’s statements are crafted in such a way as to imply that she was led to believe that Jared’s blog, which was called Sinjared, I remind you, wasn’t supposed to be about sex, and was supposed to be about “body positivity.” She says this as if those two things are mutually exclusive.

She goes on to say that Jared would tell her that he masturbated to her pictures, and that “he would tell [her] when he was horny to get [her] to send him more.” The blog contained a lot of heavily sexual conversations between people, so this really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. The point of this blog was sexual, and that was never really a secret. Not even to Heidi.

So, just to sum that up, she was sending him nude pictures in direct response to him telling her he was horny. He would say he was horny, she would send pictures, so it’s very evident that she not only knew Jared was sexually aroused by her pictures, she was content enough with this fact to send him more.

The flaw in her logic in this statement is that it would only be fucked up if Jared knew she was “star struck and easily manipulated.” There are a lot of 18-19 year olds that are sexually confident, and unless you’re an expert at reading people, it’s difficult to know whether someone’s sexual confidence is genuine or an act. She believes that Jared was able to somehow sense that her apparent confidence was actually just an act, but there’s not really any evidence to support that claim.

Lexi has a tumblr, by the way.

It’s archived here: http://archive.is/MpqnA

Her Tumblr served as her primary method for contacting Jared, and in that Tumblr were many things that would make it very unlikely that Jared would somehow be able to sense how “easily manipulated” she was. While it’s clear she was very excited to meet Jared, there’s a very clear difference between being excited to meet someone and being easily manipulated. Such a difference that they’re not even remotely the same thing.

Back on June 20th, 2016, she had some positive things to say about getting to meet Jared. In her defense, she does sound a bit star struck.

She did, in fact, meet him at RTX in 2016, and meeting him must have definitely left an impression, because here she is on January 6th, 2017 (seven months later) telling him that despite being a lesbian, she would “so want to fuck [him]”.

Sexuality is fluid. The fact that she identifies as a lesbian shouldn’t impact her desire to occasionally have sex with men. One can identify with a certain spectrum of sexuality and still find attraction outside of that spectrum without having to change their “label.”

It’s hard to believe that this is the result of manipulation on Jared’s part. A woman tells him she wants to have sex with him, and his response is an animated GIF of NPH reacting with glee. There’s nothing in that interaction to imply anything other than Jared approving of the idea. She’s an adult being sexually aggressive towards him. There’s no way for him to know where her head is at, and it’s easy to see why he might assume she’s sexually confident.

However, it turns out that Jared wasn’t the only person Lexi had an interest in. Lexi was also a fan of Jared’s wife. A big fan.

They’re both cosplayers, and she does mention Heidi’s cosplays and tutorials. While this could be considered to be simply a professional interest, it turns out that further tweets from Lexi prove her interest in Heidi to be far more sexual.

Lexi admits in the tweet above that she was actually more interested in Heidi than she was in Jared. In fact, the below tweet goes so far as to imply that she was just using Jared to get to Heidi.

She states here that she was “always open” about the fact that she was attracted to Heidi while Jared was “just a cool bro.” It’s unclear just how obvious that was to him since she was telling him that she wanted to have sex with him. Telling someone that you’d be willing to step outside of your typical sexual preferences to have sex with them implies very strongly that you’re sexually attracted to them.

Using someone to get to someone else is very manipulative behavior, and the more she tweeted about the whole ordeal, the more evident it became that she was manipulating Jared because she wanted to find a way to score a three-way with him and Heidi.

Lexi constantly refers to Jared as manipulative, and herself as “easily manipulated.” In fact, she claims that Jared’s powers of manipulation are so strong that he was somehow able to convince her, a lesbian, that she wanted to have sex with a man.

Yes. People are going to come after you because that doesn’t make any sense! 

Not only does it not make any sense, but it’s insulting to many members of the LGBT+ community (especially lesbians) because it reinforces the old, bigoted idea that a man can “convert” a lesbian so she’ll sleep with him. As previously mentioned, sexuality is a spectrum. Implying that Jared manipulated her into wanting men is disingenuous

Lexi is essentially claiming that when she messaged Jared seven months after meeting him at RTX and told him “I’m a lesbian but I’d fuck you.” that’s because he somehow manipulated her into falsely believing it.

However, her other tweets make it clear that it wasn’t actually Jared she wanted to sleep with, it was Heidi. To her, Jared was a means to an end.

Let’s look at those words more closely...

“Jared manipulated me, manipulated what he knew I genuinely wanted and desired and used it for his own advantage.”

That quote is her admitting that she didn’t want Jared, she wanted Heidi. It gets worse, too. Read the next tweet.

“He would [use] Heidi as bait for mainly WLW and then convince them that sex with him is something they want.” 

I need to emphasize this because of how outrageous a claim it is:

Lexi is claiming that Jared would use his wife as bait to lure lesbians in, and then convince them that they wanted to have sex with him.

I don’t think Lexi truly realizes how incredibly offensive towards lesbians her implications are. Not only does it imply that lesbians exclusively only like women, it also implies that a lesbian-identifying individual that finds a man attractive either isn’t truly a lesbian (they are) or that they can be “tricked” into attraction towards men.

“You dangled Heidi in front of me like a piece of meat.”

Like a piece of meat...

In the event you’re wondering whether Lexi maybe only realized these facts shortly after the blog, here’s a tweet from her flirting with Heidi and clearly not on hostile terms with Jared on April 20th, 2018, well after her time on his porn blog.

Lexi never said a single negative thing about Jared until the trouble between him and Heidi became public and Jared was no longer a viable route to get to Heidi. It was only then that suddenly all of her attraction to Jared was caused by “manipulation” and “using his wife as bait” to lure lesbians into bed with him.

Update (8/30/19) - After carefully looking over the article, I realized that the original version was too aggressive. I’ve re-written its tone to be more professional. Apologies for anyone that felt the tone was too hostile.

[connan-l]

Ciconia Phase 1 Ramblings

Well, it sure was a wild ride, but I enjoyed it quite a bit!

The whole thing was very Heavy and Intense and Long and a lot of stuff happened. I’m not sure I really digested everything yet, but I have Thoughts.

GOD I spent so much time writing all of this... At first I just wanted to make a short Twitter thread about it, but it ended up a lot longer than initially... 😔

Those are just some messy ramblings and I don't think I said any more new or interesting stuff than what other people have already said, but I still felt the need to write it down, so...

Ciconia spoilers for Phase 1 and the tips:

So I thought overall it was pretty good and interesting! As someone who didn’t play the demos, I went in completely blind, and it was a nice read. (As such the flood of Okonogi memes some time ago were kinda confusing to me at first lol.)

It was radically different from Higurashi and Umineko, but that was something I expected (Umineko was radically different from Higurashi, after all.)

I’m not sure if it’s going to hit me as personally as Higurashi and Umineko did yet, or even if I’m going to like it as much — I enjoyed Phase 1, and the story is really intriguing, but it’s not quite on the level of its predecessors for now. Then again, it is only the first part of the story so it’s a bit unfair to compare them now, and I remember I was far from being into Higu and Umi by just their first installments too. So I guess I’ll just have to wait for the other phases and see!

On a technical level, this is definitely ones of Ryukishi’s most sophisticated visual novels — with the big animations and sound effects during the battle scenes, of course, but also with the numbers of different backgrounds and the visuals for the Kizuna thing. The sprites are also my favorites from all of Ryu’s games, they have the uniqueness of his artstyle all while being more polished and with really pretty coloring. And the character designs are SUPER GOOD — the best of 07th Expansion works to me (well, I was still a bit disappointed in Vier’s design, though. I mean. She’s just Takano with a lab coat. You could’ve at least changed her clothes or something, Ryu.) The music was the only thing that was... pretty average. It wasn’t bad, there was a lot of neat OST in it... but there wasn’t really anything memorable either (Alright, except for Apocalypsis Ciconia II. This one was dope as hell and it gave me chills.)

I was pleasantly surprised by how good and compelling the worldbuilding was too, as personally I find this peculiar part of Ryukishi’s writing has always been one of his weakest points. I don’t know much about sci-fi stuff admittedly, so I’m not sure how that would be perceived by fans of the genre, but Ciconia’s world is still quite fascinating — the different factions, the technology and selcom stuff, the way childbirth is managed or the history of World War III, all of that was good. Although to be honest, some stuff felt kinda contrived too (like, sure, let’s say the entire history of WWIII is entirely erased, like that we don’t have to deal with the political issues of our current real world lmao), and I don’t know all of the histories of the countries mentioned, so I can’t really tell if some things were insensitive (for example, how Africa was “unified” by a single king felt a bit off to me, but, er... I don’t know...)

The more absurd elements like the conspiracy theories, the chivalric orders or the freaking ILLUMINATI KINGS were pretty hilarious, honestly. I’m... not sure what to make of them. Obviously none of Ryu’s stories were ever going to be realistic (and well, the entire premise of Ciconia is about children soldiers who have the strength of an entire army in one gauntlet, which is ridiculous enough), but knowing him I wonder how much of this is going to be played straight and how much of this is meta stuff. Especially with all the religious/spiritual references (the blue bodies of Evil Miyao and of the gauntlet girls alluding to the Hindu god Shiva, Seshat being a Egyptian goddess, etc.)

I have more mixed feelings about the plot, and especially the pacing. Most of it was okay, but some scenes were really dragging and redundant. Which, isn’t really something new with Ryukishi’s writing, but here especially with the political stuff and the long blocks of exposition it was... kinda boring and hard to focus on it, and after a while it even felt quite egregious. Some of those parts weren’t needed, or at least didn’t need to be that long. Especially given that after the first hours, there were not a lot of more peaceful moments that would give the player time to breath. 

Which is another one of my complaints: a lot of intense things happened, but the narrative rarely give you the time to actually digest those things, especially in the second part of the story. It often pretty much felt like “X event happen > Discussion of X event between the characters > Y event happen > Discussion of Y event between the characters,” and this without any breaks (with the exception of some exposition here and there in between, of course). The events, discussions and characters were interesting enough to more or less keep my attention, but it still felt like too much at times. Part of this may be volunteer, as it put a stressful and opressive feeling on the reader (God, the clock and quotes between each chapters stressed me out a lot lol), and after a while I really felt like I was kinda suffocating with all of this like the characters — but even so I think it would’ve been better to give us some pauses here and there. Which is something we could have had with, say, the tips. I thought it was a shame all of the sixteen tips could only be read once the main story was over, because the narrative could have really benefited from having them fit into the plot or in-between chapters, like in Higurashi.

Also, I know Ciconia wasn’t exactly marketed as an horror story unlike the other WTCs, but hoo boy, I think some of the sequences in it are honestly among the most gory and disturbing things Ryukishi wrote? I haven’t read Iwaihime or TRianThology, so I can’t really say for sure, but damn, those human factories really are big nightmare fuels...

Now, I think the most tricky parts and the ones who are gonna get the most criticisms are, likely, the whole political and military stuff. Ciconia is probably Ryukishi’s most political and provocative work so far, maybe on par with Rose Guns Days — not to say Higurashi and Umineko are not political, they definitely are, but here it truly is in-your-face. Which is not a bad thing, per se, but... let’s say it all depends on how Ryukishi handle and criticize all those stuff down the line in the other installments, when so far it’s been... meh?

Like, the whole military stuff, specifically, was... shaky, at best. The thing with fiction that portray militaries with soldiers as their main characters is that they walk a thin line between just portraying this thing and actively glamorizing it. The narrative was definitely critical of some of it (lol the whole massacre at the end was very obviously there for a reason), and I appreciate Ryukishi often makes a point in his stories to frame a problem with different persepectives... but the whole “healthy military balance” and “Walls of Peace” thing was still iffy, and I’m... unsure about how much of it is going to be criticized within the narrative in the end. Now, again, it is just the beginning of the story, and Ryukishi has always been good at presenting a thing at the start for later on tearing it down to pieces, so... I don’t know.

It’s way too early to decide what kind of themes and messages Ciconia is going to have, so here too I guess we’ll have to wait and see, but I’m just a bit wary given some things that were in RGD were... definitely questionable. Now I actually think Ciconia got to a better start than RGD, but... well. I’m also not really someone who know much about these stuff, so I’m not the best placed to talk about it, but it’s definitely something worth to be under scrutiny.

On the more positive side, there were times where some things felt really, really real, as well as pretty in tone with some of today’s social issues. Like all those news about the terrible things going on in the world and that a war can happen anytime, the military propaganda to recruit young people who “want to fly” in the army but who just end up killing each other, or the feeling that these kids have about how in the end they’re just powerless pawns  who can’t do anything used by selfish old men... I saw someone said Ciconia was basically Fuck Boomers: The Game, and... yeah. Yeah, that’s basicaly it lmao. All of the adults being assholes is not new in WTC or even in Ryukishi’s works in general, but here it was definitely a big theme. God even the whole thing at the end about how the planet is dying and that everyone knows it but people just don’t care about it... lmao, if that wasn’t directly referring what we’re living right now with climate change, I don’t know what is.

I just really loved too the way the game was sort of sold as this “cool sci-fi battle royal,” but in the actual story all of those kids are desperately trying to not kill each other, until the very end where everything just goes to hell.

I said it before, but there really was a huge feeling of suffocating and being powerless the more and more you reach towards the end, and the way everything culminated in this huge massacre truly sent shivers in my back. I know at some points I could really feel for the kids who were like “Well, fuck it, let’s just let all those awful people kill each other and the world get destroyed.” The final scene with the Christmas party was really powerful and also so uncomfortable to read, it was really well done.

Otherwise, if there was one work I wasn’t expecting to scream “LGBT+ rights,” it was Ciconia, but here we are I guess lmao. Honestly, that entire conversation was super neat, not just in a “Oh it’s great they acknowledge gay and trans people exist in a positive way,” but also because it really adds a lot to the worldbuilding. I remember some people talking about it when a similar thing happened in the comics of The Legend of Korra, and honestly more stories should do that, not just in term of representation but because, well, it’s just good writing to put this much thought in your fictional world. The conversation in itself was a bit clumsy (GAYS DON’T FUCK), but it also felt very sincere and a pretty believable discussion a bunch of teenagers with very different backgrounds could have on the subject (and I really loved the narrative acknowledge how different cultures and religions feel about those topics, without it being judgemental.) I’m also thankful it was here at all because of the, uh, gay jokes made about Miyao and Jayden early on that were a bit tasteless to me.

(Now it would be even more great if we could have actual canon gay and trans characters too. Ryukishi... please...... I beg you........)

And of course, the characters were also really good! 

It was so nice to have such a big diverse cast all constituted of likeable characters, and I was honestly impressed Ryukishi managed to handle it. That was something I was wary of when the game was first released, but in the end I think he did a good job so far. Of course, that’s only from my point of view, so I can’t say if other people found there were some things he did badly or that was offensive...

But personally, I honestly love all of the Gauntlets kids so much. They’re all so good and charming! And I kinda want to adopt them all lol.

I think my favorites for now are Miyao, Gunhild, Naima, Rethabile, Chloe, Koshka, Rukhshana, and Lingji... But like I said, they are all really good it’s hard to choose!

However... when it comes to their writing I felt Ciconia went in the continuity of Rose Guns Days and concentrated more on the plot than the characters, and that’s something that... honestly bother me a bit. I liked RGD, but Ryukishi’s writing is still at its strongest when it comes to very human, character-driven narratives, like Umineko and Higurashi. Like I said, I love all of these kids a lot, and some of them have pretty solid characterization and screentime... but in the end a part of me still feel like we didn’t really... get to know them much, if that makes sense? Even with the main ones, like Miyao, Jayden or Gunhild — most of their scenes were principally focused on the Plot Stuff, and not much about them as people.

I know there are a lot of folks who criticize the slice-of-life parts of Higurashi and Umineko, where there are lots of scenes of just the characters spending time with each other or goofing around and that don’t do much to advance the plot — and in a way I understand that, because yeah, some of these scenes can be pretty long to get through and drag the pacing. But personally, I always thought those sequences are very important. Even if some of them are admittedly unnecessary or are a bit too long, they’re really needed to humanize the characters and make you invest in them  — which was something that was a bit lacking in Ciconia. Basically I guess I’m saying the VN needed more slice-of-life stuff, and that rejoin with what I said earlier — that including some of the tips in the plot here and there instead of putting all of them at the end would have really helped with that.

Now, that said, again I’m aware this is just the first part of the story. I understand Ryukishi needed to have all of those exposition blocks and truly pose the basics of his story first and foremost. So I’m really hoping that after that he’ll be able to focus more on its characters  — especially on those who got almost no screentime, like the Yeladot Shavit and Cairo Squad girls. Having characters and human grounded moments is especially important in a story where war is a big focus like Ciconia.

Now, on the characters themselves... 

Miyao was a really charming protagonist, and I love him a lot! He was so endearing to me during the whole story. He was instantly more likeable as a male protagonist than Keiichi and Battler, where it took me some time for them to grow on me — principally because, well, Miyao don’t have the shtick of sexually harrassing the female characters around him, which was profoundly annoying in the other WTCs. I loved his serious but caring and friendly personality, his friendship with Jayden and Gunhild and with all the other kids, and his anger against the adults trying to use him and the others. His relationship with his father too was interesting. His interactions with Evil Miyao were also pretty intriguing, even if I’m not sure yet what to think of him being a “murder program” or about what even is Evil Miyao. 

Now, the only thing I am on the fence about him is... his whole DID thing and Meow. Like, on one hand, I think it is neat to have a likeable protagonist with a named mental illness, and the narrative felt sincere on not wanting to present this as a bad thing and just a part of who Miyao is... but on the other hand, there were all the jokes made as a result of this, which made the whole thing pretty awkward to me. Furthermore, there’s the problem that this “CPP” thing is not really DID, as if I recall it doesn’t actually seem to come from any trauma-related reason, and is almost a made-up condition? It kinda gave me Kara no Kyoukai flashbacks, in which Shiki, the protagonist, also has an alter, but it is not as a result of trauma or anything — it has a fantasy explanation. And, I mean... An author taking an actual, real condition that a lot of people have to bend it at their will to fit a story isn’t super cool, especially if you’re going to make some jokes at its expense... The other kids calling out Jayden on how he didn’t act properly with Miyao about this was nice though. (Also, now that I think about it, did Miyao just... randomly told all of the other gauntlet knights about it? Wasn’t it said that “CPPs” were something most people didn’t like to talk about? It’s a bit odd.) Plus there’s also the fact Miyao is possibly a “program” and it adds another layer of not-so-great stuff... So I’m just really wary of how Ryukishi is gonna handle this going forward...

Those problems aside, Meow herself was... fine. She’s cute, but she doesn’t really have much going on for her. She and Jayden are dorks together and their scenes definitely made me smile, but their relationship still felt kinda shallow so I don’t have much feelings about them as a couple (like, it’s just that to me Miyao and Jayden have a lot more chemistry and have been friends for quite some time, so it’s just odd that he instantly decides to date Miyao’s sister whom he just met. And, also, he was definitely flirting with Miyao before meeting Meow, too.). It was also pretty jarring the way she just... almost disappears once the war stuff began, so in the end I had this disagreeable impression that she really was just here to be Jayden’s girlfriend, and not as a character on her own or to develop Miyao more...

Jayden was pretty neat too! He’s a character that could be “yikes” pretty easily, but in the end he really did come across as a awkward but kind teenage boy who may be clumsy at times but is still trying his best. In fact, I really wish Ryukishi had wrote Keiichi and Battler more like Jayden. It was nice in general that none of the guys in Ciconia acted inappropriately towards the girls (with the exception of Toujirou, I guess. The way he acted towards Valentina especially made me go “ehh dude please no.” Like I know the LATO girls are said to be older than the other kids so they’re probably 18 or something, but still, it was a bit ugh... But even then it wasn’t something that was too overt, so it didn’t bother me too much), because some of Keiichi and Battler’s antics towards the female characters was something that annoyed me greatly. Don’t get me wrong, I did end up liking Keiichi and Battler despite this, they’re both good kids at heart — but it’s possible to write horny teenage boys without them ~comically~ sexually harassing the girls around them, if you feel me? Aside from that, I like that the story made a point to show that Jayden is actually a pretty lonely and kinda socially awkward kid just like Miyao, and that’s why their friendship work so well. On the other hand, though, his character mostly only turned around Miyao and Meow, and so we didn’t get much of him as a person? Which is a bit disappointing as he is meant to be one of the main kids, so I’ll hope he’ll get more interesting later on.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE GUNHILD, she really intrigue me! I wasn’t expecting to love her so much — for the most part I thought she was okay but nothing more... though now that I finished the story, she’s probably my favorite character for now? Her scene in the restaurant with her sibling, and especially the tips focused on her, really got to me. I loved her cool personality and her backstory was really interesting, as well as her relationship with Miyao and Jayden. She seems to honestly like and care for both of them, but at the same time resent them, and the way she obviously have a lot of pent-up anger towards the world and some self-hatred make her a truly compelling character. I’m pretty intrigued by Maya and her relationship with her too. She’s honestly one of the characters towards who I look forward the most, and I really hope Ryukishi will deliver on her. 

Chloe has definitely a lot of Rena Vibes, so of course I was going to love her lol. Although honestly for now I find her mostly... confusing. She’s obviously really fucked up (CHLOEVIL), and she made me pretty nervous during the entire story because there was this “Okay so when is she going to snap?” kind of tension with her. And her last scene with Lilja gave me chills... At the same time, her kindness and caring nature as well as her friendship with Koshka, Lilja and the  others felt genuine, so it was an interesting contrast. Other than that I wasn’t a fan of the running gag of Okonogi hitting her whenever she mess up (or do not mess up, for that matter)... Like obviously Okonogi is meant to be a Bastard, but the thing being presented as comical made me go :/ I really wish it’s going to stop.

Koshka was cute and also Extremely Relatable in a lot of ways (I, too, would rather spend my time playing silly games on my phone rather than socialize lmao). I love her a lot, and like Gunhild she really fascinate me. I like the fact that she’s meant to be an asocial, cold person but that at the same time it’s pretty easy to see glimpses of the affection she has for Lilja, Chloe or Miyao, and how she’s actually a deeply traumatized and angry teen. I’m pretty intrigued by what kind of “crime” she must have committed and how she ended up being an “equipment”... Not sure what to think about her super brain or the thing about her being some sort of “chosen one” lol. It sounds really shady.

For Lilja, I have to say I wasn’t exactly fond of her at first, but then the small moments we got with her where she obviously care a lot about Koshka and Chloe still got to me. That scene in the tips where she fiercely defends Chloe made me go “awww.” She really give me the impression of being the sort of person to hide her vulnerability behind a tough façade and her odd tics, and in that way she’s pretty similar to Koshka, which is how their friendship feel really special. The revealation at the end that she’s probably faking a lot of her personality and of her friendship with Koshka because it’s an assigment made her and her relationship with Koshka a lot more interesting to me, and I hope it’s going to result in a lot of compelling character stuffs.

Lingji was great! She’s pretty cool. I liked her optimism  and her will to do the right thing, and how that actually cover the fact she’s a pretty fragile and sheltered person. Her scene where she break down after her grandfather’s death is really illustrative of this especially, and where I really felt for her too. I think she’s the most interesting character in term of possible development. I quite enjoyed her friendship with Miyao too, but here again I wish these two had gotten more moments together. Like, how much more impactful the scene where Miyao kill her would have been if we had actually seen these two have some intimate moments before? But, oh well...

Aysha was really cool too, and I especially loved the way her sharp and down-to-earth personality contrast to Lingji’s idealism. The moment where she calls out both of her teammates was super good. Momotake was okay, and I love his intense admiration for Lingji (I’m a sucker for male characters really looking up to cool female characters lol)... but otherwise I felt he was honestly the most stereotypical character of the bunch — especially compared to Lingji and Aysha.

NAIMA IS THE BEST, SHE’S MY BABY I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She was my favorite before I even start the game because of her design alone (SHE’S THE CUTEST CHARACTER RYU EVER DESIGNED OKAY), and I wasn’t disappointed from seeing her actual personality. She’s not especially complex or anything for now, but she has a lot of potential. I loved her relationship with Naomi and Stan too — it kinda felt like two older siblings looking after their annoying youngest one reluctantly, but who still have a lot of affection for them. Also she’s such a little badass, I literally cheered out loud during that rescue scene or during the last battle scene where she screams she wants to protect all of her people. I want more of her in Phase 2 pleaaaase!

Naomi was really overshadowed by Naima and Stan, so as a result I don’t have much to say about her. I think she’s cool, and her backstory about how she apparently lost a lot of her memories and emotions is interesting, but again I can’t say much given we barely see her at all. Stanisław was a good boy, but despite the fact we see him a lot during the story, I... don’t really have a lot of thoughts on him? I liked his implied friendship with Gunhild as them being death metal buddies, but we didn’t actually saw them interacting at all, which was a shame.

Rethabile was the coolest character of the cast, I love her dearly! I like how she can be so adorable and such a dork but at the same time she’s probably the one who has her shit together the most out of all the kids. I feel she really has a good grip on politics and how the adults just want to use them compared to the others — which, well, isn’t all that surprising given she’s literally a princess. The scene with her brother’s death was pretty harsh, and I’m sad they didn’t really... put much attention to her reaction to such a traumatic event. I know the plot hadn’t time for that, really, but I feel even Lingji got more focus when her grandfather died, so I wish we had more of that with Rethabile too.

Ishak and Abdou... well, they didn’t really get much time for them either. They seem like nice dudes, and I really love their relationship with Rethabile, how they tease her quite a bit but there’s still obviously a lot of complicity and respect among them. So I hope we’ll get to know them more, especially on an individual level — as for now they were only present as a duo.

The LATO girls were... interesting too. I especially love Valentina, because she really give me Bad Bitch vibes and I love bitchy female characters lol. It’s pretty clear she has some Secrets and I’m really curious about her goals. As for Maricarmen, I thought she was mostly going to be comic relief like the Yeladot Shavit, but towards the end she actually showed some interesting depth so she did grew on me quite a bit.

And then there was just the teams no-screentime lol. Alright, I guess Suparṇa did get some time, and Rukhi is ones of my faves, but they still were really sidelined. I liked Sujatha, she’s such an uptight idiot, and her scene towards the end where she says she was aware that Miyao’s plan was doomed but still played along for Lingji made me kinda emotional. Rukhshana is the cutest and the greatest — I really liked her personality, how she can be extremely shy but then also completely goof around when she actually trust the people around her. And that moment at the end where she just say to her superiors to fuck off was glorious and one of my favorite scenes. Her relationship with Sujatha and Andry is adorable too. Andry himself was also... not present at all, but I really love the small glimpses of him we have seen, he’s pretty cool. I like how he sincerely seems to care a lot about his teammates despite his aloof character (him protecting Rukhi when their superiors try to hit her at the end was sweet.)

Still, Suparṇa wasn’t sidelined as much as Yeladot Shavit and Cairo Squad, though. I mean, I do like those girls — I adore Gannet because she’s cute as hell, Noor seems cool and Mariana intrigue me, but I can’t actually say much about them. Leah, Fatma and Stephania were also mostly comic relief except for one or two scenes towards the end. So I really hope Phase 2 will remedy to this, ‘cause I want more of these six, definitely!

I’m not sure I have a lot of thoughts about the adults characters quite yet — GERMAN TAKANO cracked me up, but she’s just as great as her Higurashi counterpart for now, and I always trust Ryukishi to write good Terrible Women. Especially Terrible Mothers, which is one of my personal weaknesses. Though I guess it’s not actually been confirmed she’s Miyao’s mom? It’s heavily implied, but we all know Ryukishi love to troll his audience so I wouldn’t put it past him that it is in fact just a red herring, but well, we’ll see I guess. 

Toujirou is obviously a bastard, but he’s an interesting one, and I have no fucking idea what is going on in his head. Like it’s interesting that on the one hand he seems to genuinely care about his son, but on the other hand he has no problem manipulating and screwing him over (and the implication of Miyao being maybe just a program is... ooof.) Okonogi was... a bit less worse than in the other WTCs, I guess? He obviously care about the kids in his own way, and him defending them at the end was nice... but I still can’t really feel anything but contempt towards him. He’s still a pretty bad instructor, and like I say, I’m really not a big fan of the way he treats Chloe at all, even if it’s meant to be “comical.”

The Three Kings mostly made me laugh to be honest, and they’re more plot devices than actual characters for now so I really don’t care about them (a part of me even wonder if they “exist” at all, because, you know, meta stuff). I absolutely LOVED Jestress on the other hand! I have no idea what’s the deal with her, whether she’s Lambda or whatever, but she’s really intriguing and her design is top notch and I want more of her. Seshat was so fucking cool and I don’t have much thoughts about her yet other than I wanna marry her.

And that’s pretty much it!

I’m not really good at predictions or at throwing theories around (sorry, Ryukishi), so I’m not sure what to expect for the rest of the story. I guess my only thoughts are that the moles are probably Gunhild and/or Chloe, but then they seem like obvious candidates, so I don’t know. I kinda suspect Valentina too, because, er, I do not trust her at all and she just have that traitor vibe. 

I really hope too that we’ll have time loops here again instead of a linear story because... well... I don’t wanna these kids to die okay... I also know that Ryukishi said Ciconia is only going to have four parts, and that’d make sense given how long Phase 1 was... but a part of me still kinda hope we’ll have a bit more... I guess it’s just that only four phases seems really little compared to the density of the story, and I’m really hoping he’ll have the time to develop well all of his narrative points and characters...

In any case, I think my thoughts on Ciconia for now pretty much get down to: it’s interesting and it has the potential to be a really great story, even if it’s far from being flawless and that I’m still very wary about how Ryukishi is going to handle some elements in the future.

But I’d definitely recommand it to people who love 07th Expansion stuff and sci-fi stories, and am very much looking forward to Phase 2!

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie