#it's a mixed blessing that i'm too poor to go out and do things because socializing more would no doubt cost me more friends

[zombeesknees]

who else is better as a concept/an online avatar than in person?

[hyog-blog]

Fangs of Fortune (ep. 18 - ep. 20)

I've just noticed the truly abnormal amount of crying all the characters do in this show (like, it's so pretty I'm not complaining, but poor actor babies, I can't imagine the amount of work and emotional turmoil that went into acting all this out for us to enjoy). God bless them pretty people who cry so beautifully - this is truly an art form!

As Zhuo Yichen wisely mentioned in ep.20 "the sea of suffering is endless" - I think it's an actual motto of this show. Like, how many characters can you make suffer in the course of one episode? Quick answer - many, and then some more.

First and foremost - we lost Li Lun! I didn't expect he'd go so early in the series (checks episode count), well, okay, not too early, but I kind of expected him to torment Zhu Yan till the very end. He was such a poor and bitter meow-meow I can't even hate him despite whatever wrongs he has done. Deeply hurt, wounded, lost, and 'betrayed' by his probably only friend. Never even tried to understand his point of view, just went on hurting and hating and plotting his revenge to hurt Zhu Yan the same way he hurt him, and probably even more.

Whatever happened to them was fate (well, at least at this point in the series), but then he chose to follow the path of pain and suffering. Judging by how toxic his revenge has gotten in the end, he must have really loved Zhu Yan. And the irony of Li Lun joining forces with the very people who caught and tortured demons back then, when he and Zhu Yan parted ways. I mean it was kind of narrow-minded of Li Lun to just ditch his only friend so fast. And condemning the whole of humanity just because a few people are bad apples, well, is the same as condemning all demons because some of them are violent. But still, there are those who aren't. What an epic saga of grief and misunderstanding D:

At this point, Zhu Yan must be the saddest Great Demon in the history of Great Demons. I mean come on, how many more deaths and sufferings can he take? (nope, don't answer that, there are still 14 episodes left, I'm sure the show will surprise me more than once XD). I mean, when speaking about being unfortunate, he has had it the worst in the series (he was just 'lucky' to survive long enough to get some happy days and encounters mixed in there as well). But with a countdown of 1 month hanging over his head, I have a feeling things won't be all sunshine and roses for him (again, and again, and again, ah).

"You don't have a heart, but aren't you living in agony, too?" Spot on, Yichen-baby, spot on. I think Zhu Yan's heart might just be bigger than most human's.

Also, how come Zhuo Yichen has gotten even prettier? I love his new look with hair tied up in a bun, official robes and all. He has also matured. The way he was talking about Zhao Yuanzhou merely being the blade of that malicious force and that he shouldn't be punished for what it did through him - my thoughts exactly! The screenwriters conveyed this message so well and I'm happy that the characters also realize this inside the show (still, I have a bad feeling about how things will end for him).

Bai Jiu being a 'traitor' was a fresh take! Cool plot twist. But this is how this Chongwu camp operates - finds people's soft spots and uses either threats or bribes to make them do bad stuff for them. Luckily, no one got hurt (well, uh, not yet). And Pei Sijing has been working with Zhu Yan all this time, yay))) I never wanted to believe that she was an actual traitor, the girl is too cool (and they have a cute thing going on with Wen Xiao, hehe).

Also, I've noticed how in the course of the last few episodes both Zhu Yan and Zhuo Yichen acknowledged each other's, how should I put it, awesomeness? Zhu Yan calling the other guy a dignified gentleman with a righteous heart, unbreakable will, and a character as strong as gold, and Zhuo Yichen admitting that Zhu Yan was a compassionate and righteous demon and that he didn't want to kill him any longer :3 A little bit of honey to balance out the bitterness, ah.

[iheartvmt]

So this afternoon I was chilling in my Mom's little backyard, the whole family, dogs and all, were there because it was my nephew's 8th birthday party (plus a surprise little belated Happy Birthday party for my stepdad and me, who had birthdays earlier this month), the kids were all playing in the above-ground pool...

And a freaking *hawk* stooped onto their TMNT ball, flopped about a bit, and then flew up to sit on the fence like 5 feet away from the pack of screaming, splashing little boys.

Needless to say, that's not normal hawk behavior.

Then it tried to stoop on the ball again, with similar bad results, and fluttered atop an old canopy thing folded up against the shed. We were all keeping an eye on it because wtf? It was sitting a little hunched so I thought "Maybe it's just overheated and dehydrated," and I set a bowl of water next to it. It ignored both my approach and the water.

Then it started eyeing the dogs, tilting its head this way and that as they ran by playing chase. Most of the family dogs are much too big to be taken out by a little hawk, but my two dogs are on the smaller size. Still too big for a hawk to carry off, but if one were desperate enough it might give it a go and do some damage.

Before we could shoo it away, it stooped on the largest dog, Oreo, a 70 lb pit bull/husky mix! O.O

Fortunately for the bird, Oreo was too startled to do anything but yelp, shake it off her back, and run under the table. (Don't worry, Oreo didn't have any injuries, except maybe to her pride!)

It didn't fly back to a perch this time, just sat on the ground hissing amidst the chaos of dogs and very loud humans.

Rin, my newest dog, is an 11 lb poodle mixed with what I'm now certain is terrier, and she ran straight at it, barking and ready to tear it up, talons be damned, but my stepdad scooped her up before she made contact.

I quickly grabbed my cousin's shirt from a beach chair and caught it up (while the other adults impressed upon the kids that this is something You Do Not Do, Auntie is a Professional). As it hissed and snapped at me, I could see it had some kind of white plaque in its throat, and its mucous membranes were bright red, either from stress or possibly stomatitis :(

Then Mom -- well used to animal shenanigans by now, bless her -- appeared with the cat carrier and held it for me so I could get the hawk inside and carefully free the shirt from its talons.

After setting the carrier in a quiet, shaded spot away from the party, I called the local rehabbers on the game department website who are listed as licensed to care for raptors, all of which were currently full. Well, crap. So then I called the Wildlife Center of VA, but it was already after-hours, and I had to leave a message in their non-emergency box (I tried the emergency line first, but the voicemail message has a very clear set of what qualifies as a true emergency, and this wasn't it so I didn't bother the poor vet intern on call). They'll call back during their regular hours tomorrow, and I'll drive it wherever they tell me to take it.

In the meantime, I have a very unhappy hawk in a cat carrier in my bathroom 😬

[pastafossa]

hi pasta :) hope your week is going well so far !!

i dunno if you’ve spoken about this or been asked before (i apologise if you have) but i was just wondering how you always get matt’s characterisation so spot on?? if i didn’t know any better, i’d have thought you wrote the show. i can literally always picture him doing/saying the stuff you write <333

😭😭😭 This is like, an AMAZING compliment oh my god, thank you so much!

As for the question I'm not sure if I've talked about it before but ironically seeing it in my ask box triggered a discussion with sis. Like, I know there are folks who have a different take on Matt than mine. That's valid! So I don't want to be like... 'I did the research and delved and etc etc' because they do too. But eventually me and sis arrived at a conclusion that it's a few combos of things that makes Matt easy for me to click with:

A lot of psych classes in college that ironically I've used more for writing than anything else. This helped me understand some of how Matt's background of abandonment and trauma would potentially affect him and influence his coping techniques and behavior. I like learning psych stuff in general so that all wound up being an influence. I'll always recommend digging into this when working with characters!

I've watched Daredevil over and over and over and over and the more I've rewatched, the more I wind up picking up on new things and analyzing what Matt is thinking or feeling (bless Charlie for giving Matt so many little hints and fidgets and subtle touches of what Matt's internally feeling). This includes interviews, behind the scenes stuff, anything breaking down the why of Matt. I'm familiar with him at this point.

There are certain parts of Matt's character that I relate to incredibly strongly as a disabled person with chronic pain raised in the church, and also as someone who went through a long lonely period of depression where I felt very isolated, and then was afraid when I did finally make friends that they'd leave me. So. There's always an element with Matt that's like, 'ah I get it', this sense of resonation. I feel like that natural click with Matt really helped me when writing him, cause... been there, get the motivation, also dude needs to cry more and let that stress out, trust me.

This sounds weird but me and my sis love to break characters down, rip them apart to examine their insides. We love our favorite characters and talking about all their wholesome or badass elements, but we also gd love and have fun dissecting flaws, fuckups, the shadow self, character trauma, are they the asshole, is EVERYONE the asshole, what does this mean when he did this or that. The whole Pasta clan is immersed in that - Dad was a theatre major so got a lot of practice, Mom's loved lit forever, and we all have this tendency, so I got very comfortable very early with taking characters apart in a really honest way to figure out how and why they tick and what the writer/actor is trying to tell you. And since we've all seen Daredevil, and dad has also read a lot of the earlier comics, we've all more than once metaphorically laid Matt out on the table like a frog and dissected his character. I feel like having someone who's not only willing to talk about these layers with you, but also comfortable enough with you to kinda push back and go 'Or what if he was doing it because of this' or 'Ok yeah you love him but he was actually being the asshole here because *valid reason*' is important. Get you some allies who love to know why characters tick!

So basically lots of reading, really enjoying picking characters apart with fam, and familiarity, all mixed up in a bucket of 'Ooooh poor thing, I've been there and that was not fun. You really need therapy and maybe some antidepressants.'

[goldenempyrean]

Maybe one with a sick Kate x reader with “I’m just a little under the weather that’s all” and “Did you come home just to look after me?” You always write Kate so well 💕💕💕

Dork-A-Saurus-Rex

〚 Notes - I wrote this last night just because honestly this req was collecting dust in my inbox and it deserved to be done :) Also God the level of hate on here rn is unbelievable :,) Still doing my 1k fics too dw!! 〛

〚 Pairing - Kate Bishop x Reader 〛

〚 Summary - When Kate decides shes gonna go home to rest, you already knew that you were going to be right there beside her. Cute, dorky comfort ensues. 〛

〚 Wordcount - 1600 〛

〘 Check Out My Masterlist! 〙

╚════════ ⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⋆✦⋆⋇ ════════╝

“Hi Kit-Kat.” Your cheery voice chirped down the phone, as you sat in the break room of your office, “You on you’re lunch break now too?” You asked before taking a bite from the sandwich in your opposite hand. 

“Yeah I’m on my break now too.” Kate responded only her voice sounded different - it lacked her usual energy and excitement. But there was something else too and it wasn’t until you heard her sniffle quietly that you finally registered what was wrong. 

“Are you feeling oka-“  

“Hh’utshhiew!” Her sudden sneeze cut you off from your question and you could practically hear the embarrassment in her tone when she quietly mumbled out a small, “Excuse me.” 

You shook your head out of habit and gave a sympathetic sigh, “It’s okay, bless you. I was going to ask if you were feeling alright but I think I’ve already got my answer. I guess that lil’ nose of yours jumped ahead to reply.” 

She hummed in response and you heard the sound of tissues being opened in the background, “I’m just a little under the weather that’s all. There’s been something going round all week.” 

That part was true. You remembered her saying something about being short staffed due to everyone being out sick, if you’d been a little wiser you would’ve taken that as the hint to stock up on some medicine and tea. 

“Im probably gonna go home early.” Your girlfriend’s slightly congested voice said finally and you couldn’t help but worry a little.  

She was usually so stubborn about these sorts of things, there’d been that once time when she’d spent the night throwing up and had still insisted on going into work the next day. So for her to admit she was thinking about coming early was definitely a sign that she really wasn’t feeling too good and that she definitely needed some TLC. 

“That’s probably a good idea baby, you go home and rest, okay? Oh, did you have your lunch yet?” You asked softly, she sometimes had a habit of forgetting to look after herself properly and you knew that this would only make her feel worst. 

There was a second a silence followed by a quiet, “Not yet, I’m not really in a mood for it. It’s like I- Hih- shit, my nose fricken itch-Hh’iiitshoo! ‘tschioo!” She sniffled, giving a small stuffed, exhausted exhale as you heard the sound of more tissues being drawn, “Sorry sweetie, s’cuse me. What I was trying to say is that I don’t really have an appetite. It’s just like food has no appeal whatsoever.” 

"Aw, my poor baby," you cooed sympathetically. "I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's no fun being sick. You get yourself back home and into bed. My lunch is almost over so I need to go but I want you to go straight home, alright?” 

“I will.” She stopped to cough a couple of times, whining a little afterwards, “I lodes you.” 

You smiled, finding her congestion-hazed words utterly adorable as you teased her a little before ending the call, I ‘lodes’ you too.”  

It wouldn’t just be her going home early though. You’d just finished typing out the email to your boss asking if you’d be allowed to call out early, offering to take up some extra hours in return later in the week.  

With the email sent, you quickly finished up your lunch, feeling a mix of concern and anticipation to see Kate. You gathered your things, bid your colleagues farewell, and headed out of the office, making your way to the parking lot. 

As you drove home, your mind raced with thoughts of how you could take care of Kate and make her feel better. You made a mental note to stop by the pharmacy on your way home to pick up the supplies and you tried to make a list of things you would need: cough drops, some medicine, tissues, and definitely some ice cream (for her throat of course, not just to satisfy your carvings. 

Arriving at your apartment, it wasn’t long before you found Kate curled up on the couch, wrapped in a cosy blanket as she wore your go to ‘lazy day’ outfit. She looked even more tired and worn out than you had expected. 

Setting down the bags of supplies on the coffee table, you approached her and gently placed a hand on her forehead to check for fever. It was slightly warm, confirming your suspicions. "Hey there, sweetheart," you murmured softly. "Let's get you more comfortable, shall we?" 

“Y/N? What time is it?” She mumbled quietly and you showed her the screen of your phone to answer, “Did you come home just to look after me?”  

You nodded, a tender smile gracing your lips. "Of course, my love. I couldn't bear the thought of you being sick all alone. Plus, I missed you, even if you're a little under the weather." 

She let out a weak chuckle, sniffling and rubbing her nose with the back of her hand. "You're such a sweetheart.” 

"Anything for my Kit-Kat," You replied, using the endearment that always brought a smile to her face. "Now, let's get you settled in bed. I'll make you some tea and bring you a bowl of soup. How does that sound?" 

She nodded but then stopped when something else came to mind, “Do you think we could shower first? I’m kinda sweaty.” She grumbled in a disapproving manner earning a small giggle from yourself. 

“Of course baby, come on my dear, let me escort my fair lady to thy holy shower.” Your hand was offered out to her in an exaggerated, medieval manner resulting in a small smile from the feverish brunette as she took it gratefully.  

Kate sniffled as the two of you reached the bathroom and you curtesy’d with a welcoming smile as you opened the door for her. 

“You’re such a dork.” She giggled a little even though the action had left her coughing hoarsely afterwards.  

Turning on the shower, you let the hot steam fill up the room as you began carefully undressing her, making sure to shower her with kisses and love as you did so. You’d just gone behind her to unclasp her bra when Kate turned her to head to look back over her shoulder a little. 

“Y’know what you are?” Her words were a little blurred by both congestion and fever, maybe that steam was a little too hot. You’d make sure to turn that down before she got in. 

But still, you gave into her babble, “What am I sweetie?” 

“A dork-a-saurus-rex.” Katie smiled before ducking her head down into her hands as she sneezed loudly, which was quickly followed by a displeased “Ew… Gross-a-saurus.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, “Come on then lil’ dino. Let’s get you washed, ey?” Your encouraging words were enough to coax her into the (now a lot colder) shower. 

As the water cascaded over both of you, you began slowly massaging her knotted shoulders. When you lowered your hands to your surprise l she turned as if she was going to hug you but instead she let her heavy head rest of your chest before ultimately wrapping her arms around you (turns out she wanted that hug after all). 

"You're taking such good care of me," she murmured, her voice muffled by the sound of running water. "I don't know what I did to deserve you." 

"You don't have to do anything to deserve my love," you replied sincerely, pressing a tender kiss to her temple. "Taking care of you comes naturally to me. Now, let's get you all clean and refreshed." 

Carefully, you reached for the bottle of shampoo and squeezed a small amount onto your palm. As you lathered her hair, massaging her scalp, Kate let out a contented sigh.  

"Mmm, that feels nice," she murmured, closing her eyes.  

You smiled, continuing to work the shampoo through her hair with gentle strokes. After rinsing her hair, you reached for the body wash and started lathering it up. As you began washing her back, Kate tilted her head back up to look at you. Her eyes were filled with gratitude and affection, despite the fatigue she was so desperately trying to fight. 

But to nobody’s surprise her fatigue won and you helped a very sleepy Katie climb out of the shower and get dry. 

Once she was wrapped up in a fluffy towel, you guided her back to the bedroom. The room was cosy and warm, the soft glow of the bedside lamp casting a soothing ambiance.  

You helped her into fresh pajamas, carefully tucking her into bed. "Alright, my sweet Kit-Kat, it's time for some rest," You whispered, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stroking her damp hair away from her forehead.  

She looked up at you with drowsy eyes, a faint smile on her face. "Thank you, baby.” She whispered, her voice hoarse and weak. "I don't know what I would do without you." 

You leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You don't have to worry about that, my love," you reassured her. "I'll be right here by your side, taking care of you until you're back to your vibrant self." 

She closed her eyes, leaning into your touch as you continued to stroke her hair. "I love you," She murmured, her words barely audible. 

"I love you too, Kit-Kat," you whispered back, your voice filled with tenderness. "And I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

〖 Join My Taglist! 〗@scrambled-brain-eggs @natashamyl0ve @shin-conan-kun @bloomingflowersthings @kathleenmikaelson @shamelessbearunknown @inluvwithfictionalwomen @citrussnz @kljhsong @santana1437 @lovelyy-moonlight @lots-of-pockets @sashawalker2 @natashamaximoff69 @observeowl 

[just-about-nothing]

my own weird orientation is that i exhibit all signs of being functionally asexual except for the whole relationship to sex thing. like yes i am not sure what attraction is (unless it's being generated towards me by another person) and yes the notion of going out and seeking sex fills me with blind horror. and yes why anyone would use a dating app is beyond reason to me. but. i'll also respond positively when a dude makes overtures to me but i also reckon it's out of a sense of gender performance* and desire to experience physical pleasure moreso than yes this person is hot per say. my relationship to women is more complicated and occasionally i prod at it and get such confused signals i've been leaving it alone for like a decade at this point

i think the drop dead funniest thing about this whole thing is that when i was being evaluated for bipolar ii, my poor psychiatrist, who was putting up w fully too much nervous rambling, was like 'do you seek out risky sexual encounters when you're in an elevated mood?' and i nearly dropped my laptop during the zoom call b/c of the horror that image evoked in me and had to nearly scream out 'Asexual!' because the notion i would EVER was so horrific. and she looked at the evaluation form and was like 'well, that changes some of my diagnostic criteria'. bless. i love her

*i only ever really feel like a woman truly when a man desires me. the rest of the time i'm like vaguely woman shaped but mostly i picture myself idk meatloaf in rocky horror mixed with jessica jones. like a little grimy and rough around the edges. this does not exactly reflect on how i look reality lol tho i do have one knee length battered leather jacket that i put on in september and don't take off til april lol

[old-danmei-fan]

Just finished volume 3 of Heaven Official's Blessing and even though the first half was a little hard to read for me, I Ioved it. There's such a great mix of humor, trauma, fighting, and love.

I'm going to post my notes/ all the random shit that popped into my head as I read from volume 3 below the cut so don't read below if you don't want spoilers.

Also, before my notes, I know who Jun Wu is and more or less his roll in XL's journey so I make references to him in my notes when I shouldn't know what's going on with him at this point.

I would try to block out the whole your country dying and literally nothing you do helps thing too XL

Xianle state preceptor really got to the point with the whole you "ascended too soon because all your people are still alive" bit. I get it where he's coming from, but damn that was a lil harsh.

I love that XL is of the mind set of "what the fuck is the point of being a god if I don't help my people?" I was kinda wondering the same thing my dude.

This is the first series where I am having to put the book down and walk away after every 10 pages. Poor XL is making every possible bad decision he can even with everyone screaming at him not to.

JFC the land of tenders was NOT what I was expecting 😬

I understand why HC is such a snarky prick to FX and MQ lol they were always such assholes to the poor lil guy. He just wanted to make heart eye and protect his crown prince.

Ok so Lang Ying is obviously working with white no face (jun wu), but he's obviously gotta be someone in present day right? I feel like he's too prominent at the moment to not come back in the present.

I'm fucking stupid lol Lang Ying -> Lang Qingqiu. Lang Ying is obviously going to be the first king of Yong'an

Lil soldier kinda disappeared?

Man body horror is gonna be an ongoing theme throughout this huh?

XL is really too pure for this world.

Damnit Qi rong. You and your big mouth

FX - "that brat will definitely grow up to be a good man" bro aren't you the one that kicked him out of the army lol

Oh it's because he's just happy not everyone hates XL 🤣

Hoo boy. 1st half of volume 3 is a doozy. Everyone is getting a big ol helping of trauma and suffering. Hong'er/ Lil soldier breaks my heart when he's telling XL he won't forget him.

Lmfao XL threatening QR with siccing HC on him

I do not like Shi Wudu 😡

Lmfao HC being so extra for his man at the festival he wrote a play and sent up 3k lanterns. Pei ming being all I told you guys HC didn't take XL to be mean 😏

Pei Ming is like that himbo that everyone doesn't like cause he's fucks around, but then you talk to him and he's kinda funny.

Hahahahahaha HC and XLs "first kiss" is killing me. XL pretty much saying he'd stab anyone who did that to him but HC and he's confused about why. Hmm I wonder why XL?

Oh this poor boy lol getting so flustered he's trying to run away only to be caught because he's bleeding from his foot. Poor guy is panicking over his cursed shackle on his ankle isn't he 🥺

I'm so glad the second half of volume 3 is not quite as traumatic as the first.

Dying at everyone thinking that ghost baby is Pei Ming's

I don't like Jun Wu's sword. That's icky

☹️

And then on the flip side, Rouye and E-Ming fighting for XLs attention is adorable lol

Poor Qi Rong being subjected to the torture of watching XL and HC flirt. Maybe if they laid it on a little thicker they could get him to leave the body he's in.

[anemonay]

2023 wrap up ( thanks @spaceoperetta for the idea, hasn't even considered doing one!)

-very long, been a big year for me-

tw: d/ru/g usage discussed positively

- also worst depression since college, but at least it's not the manic-depressive mixed state I was in for most of those 4 years

- BUT I also found the first ever antidepressant that works for me a couple months ago! I've been on a mood stabilizer that's "worked" for me for years in terms of controlling the hypomania, but I would still sink into low, low depressions. Now I just feel capable of happiness, but I need to rebuild those neural pathways since they haven't been used in so long

- my husband and I's relationship is much, much better. Once we moved things got really not great, and he is a lovely and great person but I think he'd never had to /actually/ deal with anything or question himself before and being in a new place, with someone holding him accountable, who wouldn't just ignore any of the ineffective things he was doing or any of the negative things occurring freaked him out a bunch, especially because he had no distress tolerance skills. I have my own stuff to work on too, but his refusal to accept what he doesn't understand really exacerbated my emotional reactivity and now I have to unlearn all of those habits.

- I found a therapist who works with my brain!

- my best friend moved to my city, and it was only supposed to be for like 10 months but she met her boyfriend and is blossoming and getting opportunities in her field like crazy so she's staying longer which means we can hang out more!

- knees got worse, but I finally went to physical therapy (because I maxed out my insurance OOP with the name other medical things I had to do this year) and it helped a bunch!

- a ton of drama with my husband's family. His youngest sister randomly decided that I am abusive (not even during like any interaction or anything, she just randomly started having an attitude with me 2 weeks before their annual (white, well-off people) family vacation), and then was cold to me during the vacation, and went on a walk with my husband where she essentially tried to convince him that I AM abusive. (Husband also handled it poorly - he's the "everyone is right in some way" type and didn't tell her she was completely out of line, but that has also gotten better thanks to couple's therapy). Then over Thanksgiving she decided to create drama with the older sister over her own poor behavior when older sister was doing absolutely nothing mean or wrong. It's been really stressful, we didn't even do a zoom call for Christmas this year which they normally try to make happen no matter what.

- I lost my job at a startup (blessing in disguise) and got a new job. The company is great, but I hate the work. It's not what I applied to do, it's way more technical and I would like that if ANYONE had the time to train me. But they lost a ton of people going from fully remote to hybrid, so everyone I work with has less experience than I do actually. I'm also struggling to do it because of how lost and flustered I feel.

- I picked up journaling and that's been so great and helpful.

- I went to Portland! I adored it very much. Though towards the end something about it felt vaguely threatening/heavy/scary. But I definitely want to visit again.

- I reconnected with my childhood best friend! We definitely grew in different ways but the foundation is still very much clicking. I'm going to stay with her and her husband in Seattle and visit again in May. She's so, so wonderful and I missed her so so much I'm tearing up writing this. We've continued to message frequently since, and once Baldur's Gate's cross play feature is out (fingers crossed) we're going to play together.

- I learned that stimulants don't work for my brain. ADHD stims caused anhedonia, coffee just triggers migraines, and Modafinil semi kinda maybe works but not well. I've managed to quit coffee for a week or so now. It's definitely an addiction. But chai tea lattes are filling the void. And the void also means that I'm getting back into tea! A childhood Internet friend is the one who got me into tea, and it feels very heartwarming to remember them through it.

- I lost my first cat together with my husband. You will be missed dearly forever, little man.

- I found my favorite d/ru/g! Technically I think it's 2-fdck that's my favorite favorite if my testing was correct, but basically ke/tam/ine and its analogues in general. It's so amazing and it checks all my boxes. I haven't personally experienced any negatives from it, though if you ever try it please read up on appropriate doseage, periods between use, and all that. It's helped me a ton with figuring stuff out, feeling motivated, and rewiring my brain. I'm weird and drugs have never worked the same for me as other people now have I ever had it impact my life negatively so please don't take my experience as advice or normal.

- I tripped for real for the first time in forever over Christmas break! My meds make it really, really difficult. Most people can't trip at all no matter how much they take on these meds. But I just kept raising my dose and bam, finally! I also had my first ever LSD epiphany and I feel like I can really move forward with my life. Tripping has also always helped my brain reset - like turning a computer off and on instead of just locking it or hibernating. I always feel so refreshed.

- I generally just feel more compassion for myself and more capable of being the person I want to be. Sometimes it hurts because it feels like I was on such a good trajectory, and then a ton of negative things happened to me with no support system and everything in my life just stopped. And then I was getting better and then COVID really broke me - at least when the bad stuff was happening I had stimulation, but COVID liked my brain. I think I still have it in me to be happy in the ways I want.

I hope we live in unprecedented times where history is made! Precedented times and the continuation of the normal just means the rich get richer and people die at the hands of oppressors. I hope things change for the better, greatly and permanently.

[bambiesque]

New thread for Whittaker!Doctor.

Episode: The Woman Who Fell to Earth - Hi, Ryan, Yas, Graham! I love how Northern it is. Sonic Swiss Army Knife - thank you! The tooth monster is so horrible. I like that Ryan is the Doctor's favourite because he agrees with her, just like Five and Nyssa. Good start.

Episode: The Ghost Monument - I like the new credits more than Twelve's. Venusian aikido! Ohm, Ryan used a gun so he's no longer the Doctor's fave. Honestly, the Doctor running to greet the TARDIS was quite romantic. Love the new look.

Episode: Rosa - Great episode. Ryan especially is excellent - love that he keeps using Rosa Parks' and MLK's full names. A proper history episode, haven't had one of those in a long time.

Episode: Arachnids in the UK - Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Silly fun, enjoyable but no thanks to the giant spiders.

Episode: The Tsuranga Conundrum - Nice to see Brett Goldstein. Bit of a mixed bag though. I liked Graham and Ryan's story better than Eve's. The Pting is very cute.

Episode: Demons of the Punjab - Another lovely historical episode. I do like that it's teaching us things. Graham is very wise. Once again, the Doctor has learnt nothing about taking companions to see their relatives.

Episode: Kerblam! - That robot delivery thing is horrible. Poor Kira, I liked her. It was a fine episode but nothing very exciting.

Episode: The Witchfinders - I love Alan Cumming. I'm surprised The Doctor hasn't been burnt at the stake for witchcraft before now tbh. The historical stuff has been really great this season.

Episode: It Takes You Away - Yas wanting to reverse the polarity was a highlight. Sad but lovely. And Ryan calling Graham grandad was very touching.

Episode: The Battle of Ranskoor Av Kolos - Not a great series end but also not terrible. I enjoyed it on the whole. I love the whole TARDIS team.

Episode: Resolution - Your standard Dalek story but it was very enjoyable. Like the extended fam. I love how Yorkshire Whittaker!Doctor is.

Episode: Spyfall 1/2 - Great introduction for Dhawan!Master. (I still miss Missy though). Everyone looks fantastic in their tuxes. Fab Bond episode to start and then a nice historical ep with Ada Lovelace and Noor Inayar Khan. Love the Doctor's eyerolling over the Master's theatrics and then they go to the Eiffel Tower for a date. Bless. Aaand then Gallifrey is destroyed again. *sigh*

Episode: Orphan 55 - Nice exciting episode. Loved all the characters and the very tight plot. One of the best.

Episode: Nikola Tesla's Night of Terror - I do enjoy the historical episodes and the little educational asides. Good but not one of my favourites.

Episode: Fugitive of the Judoon - Jack! I like Ruth. A very exciting episode, a good mystery and lots of interesting things going on. Whittaker!Doctor is brilliant.

Episode: Praxeus - I liked everyone getting to go off and do their own thing. Too many creepy birds though. Some nice educational moments.

Episode: Can You Hear Me? - Love Whittaker!Doctor talking to herself and forgetting she's alone. Love how awkward she is when Graham is trying to talk to her. Yaz's story made me cry.

Episode: The Haunting of Villa Diodati - Gorgeous, creepy, funny. A perfect episode.

Episode: Ascension of the Cybermen/The Timeless Children - I don't hate the Doctor's history reveal. I think destroying Gallifrey again was stupid and I don't understand why we're still associating The Master and the Cybermen this closely.

Episode: Revolution of the Daleks - Harriet Walter! Jack! I like that Ryan and Graham decide to leave and aren't forced out traumatically like all the other New!Who companions. It's just a continuation of Resolution and the Dalek story isn't as good as that one.

Episode: The Halloween Apocalypse - I like the way everything is set up for the whole season. It makes an interesting change. Not sure how I feel about Dan yet.

Episode: War of the Sontarans - Yay Mary Seacole! I do like Sontarans but I don't like the makeup this time. Swarm and Azure's makeup however is amazing.

Episode: Once, Upon Time - I love Bel. I think her and Vinder's story is the most interesting this season. I'm still not really invested in Dan.

Episode: Village of the Angels - A good episode but I didn't really like the ending. I do love a good weeping angel episode though.

Episode: Survivors of the Flux - Yaz looks fantastic in all her 1904 outfits. I don't really care about the Flux or Division - I don't think more mysterious secret organisations were needed. Kate!!!!

Episode: The Vanquishers - Oh there's two Whittaker!Doctors in the same place at the same time. Yaz is having so many impure thoughts. Poor Jericho.

Episode: Eve of the Daleks - Time Loop! My favourite trope. I loved it. And yay to Dan for giving a few home truths to the Doctor and listening to Yaz.

Episode: Legend of the Sea Devils - Pirates, beautiful ships, swordfights, Whittaker!Doctor being brave and honest with Yaz. Lovely ending.

Episode: The Power of the Doctor - This episode is going to make me cry isn't it? Oh yes, the regenerating Cybermen. Ugh. ACE!!! TEGAN MY LOVE!!! Bye, Dan. I'm so pleased they all made their own choice to leave. "Your Master awaits." But what do they mean by that? Really? KATE!!! She did not sign up for this drama. The Master is looking good like a professor. "How did you escape from Gallifrey?" How does he escape from anything, Doctor? FFS. Love a bunker. Lava pools seem to be Whittaker!Doctor's quarry. Poor UNIT. Dear lord, just ask her on a date, you idiot. It's not really regeneration, so much as a body swap. Oh Tegan <3 Lol at the Master wearing a bit of every Doctor. All the Doctors. I'm crying. Yaz is awesome. I love Tegan so much. I love Ace. I love the Master's emo hood. Brave heart, Tegan. *crying forever* "All children leave home!" *yeah I'm never going to stop crying* Graham! Oh Kate <3 The only thing I like about the regenerating Cybermen is the beautiful Galifreyan swirlies. Oh poor Master. He needs some hugs and some therapy. Him and his bisexual TARDIS. I do love that there's five women here and one man. And the Cloister bell. Oh Yaz <3 Jo!!!!!!! My darling, Jo. Ian! Mel! Tag, you're it! Incredible. Hello (again) David.

Whittaker!Doctor Era Roundup

I love Jodie. I love the fam. I love how Yorkshire it is. I don't really have a strong opinion about the Timeless Child revelation, but I do think getting rid of Gallifrey again was a mistake. I hope we can dispense with the Master & Cybermen connection now too. Overall, I love how Whittaker!Doctor was brave, excitable, full of nervous energy and a little bit steampunk!

Favourite Companion: Yaz

Least Favourite Companion: Dan

Favourite Episode: The Haunting of Villa Diodati / The Power of the Doctor

Least Favourite Episode: Revolution of the Daleks

Final Doctor Rankings:

Smith

Davison

Pertwee

Tennant

Capaldi

Whittaker

TBaker

CBaker

McCoy

Troughton

McGann

Eccleston

Hartnell

Top 10 Companions: (Yaz goes in at 13, Kate at 16, Ryan at 20, Graham at 21, Dan at 41)

Jo Grant

Amy Pond

Tegan Jovanka

Rory Williams

Barbara Wright

Vislor Turlough

Clara Oswald

Sarah Jane Smith

Martha Jones

Donna Noble

Top 5 Masters:

Gomez

Delgado

Simm

Dhawan

Ainley

[somewhat-very-insane]

if my memory is something to be relied upon(that it isn't, my cognition is rather poor). i might recall you have the anniversary of your birth coming in the next two weeks. my question for today is do you enjoy celebrations for yourself on the day of? if so, i'll be pleased to send you a celebratory message on the date. and if not, there shall be no fretting done, it is all up to you.

alongside this, i'd also like to ask if you recommend the songs on your playlist that is titled on your carrd "me." your interests and thoughts, predictably, intrigue me greatly and i was wondering if it the playlist was still relevant and something you enjoyed. i also looked into "Heaven's Official Blessing." you can probably tell, but i'm a bit of a hermit, so the thought of going to the library is a bit, well, intimidating to me. though from what i've read about it online, it seems like it'd be worthwhile. there's also a show on netflix of the same name with the characters in it, do you recommend watching that? is it a poor place to start?

sorry for the pile of questions, as usual you're, of course, free to take as long as you'd like answering all of them. and don't worry about your response being too long or wordy, again, i quite enjoy reading your thoughts. thank you very much for reading.

-🐏

i did say my birthday is next month, but it's actually on the thirtieth! that's not on you (or your, admittedly better than you claim, level of cognitive abilities) for mixing things up, though - i never actually said what day it is. and i do like being told happy birthday and such, getting gifts, etc., though, a fun fact i guess, i've actually never had a real birthday party.

and, yes! the playlist linked under "me," which is titled "my brain," is still very much relevant; i exclusively add songs to it that i think describe my thought patterns, or can very accurately put my feelings (in general) into words better than i can. whether i enjoy listening to it or not depends on my mood, because it can be very overwhelming for me to be faced with All Of My Thoughts At Once, but it can also be quite nice.

as for the netflix version of tgcf, i believe it's the same as the official donghua on bilibili, though i'm not entirely sure because i watched it from there, not netflix. they may have changed some things, depending on where you live/what dub you watch it in. if you want accuracy, find somewhere you can watch it subbed in your language, with the original mandarin dub (i am not sure if netflix has that) because i know that at least the english dub changes some things a significant amount. like, a "hyv eng translators changing diluc and kaeya from sworn brothers to actual/adoptive brothers" difference. it's pretty bad. plus they make san lang so much more flirty than he is in the original dub. it bothers me.

that aside, if you do find somewhere to watch it, or don't mind the english discrepancies, it will only get through, as of now, about two thirds of book one (at least the english version)? and cuts some major things out, from what i recall. they are working on season two now, though. but in my opinion, the show is to be enjoyed afterwards, simply because everything will make more sense that way.

[camgoloud]

1, 10, 22 for the 2023 fic asks! :)

1. What’s something new that you tried in a fic this year? How did it turn out and would you do it again?

hmm... nothing i posted this year is TOO adventurous really, but i did write blessed is that servant, my first ever fic to earn an M rating for (extremely extremely mild) sexual content so i guess that's something new! i don't expect to ever become a proper smut writer but i'd certainly go that far again if a story called for it :)

10. What fic made you feel the happiest to work on?

well... the Real answer to this question is probably one of the wips i spent a lot of time with this year but haven't gotten around to posting yet. but i'm going to remain tight-lipped about that one because i do still hope to finish it soon and publicly discussing wips is usually demotivating for me! of the published ones... well, blessed is that servant was a BLAST in its way, but in the interest of talking about at least one other fic in this post, i'm going to give to give this one to rest your head for just five minutes, which was my contribution to last year's TLT holiday exchange. exchange fics are always extra fun to work on in my opinion! there's nothing like the hope of making a giftee happy to keep me going :)

22. Share an excerpt from your favorite scene.

Sarpedon cannot pretend even to the face of God that he cares for those sheets—it shames him deeply to recall that first visit, before they’d kicked them down to the foot of the bed. He had felt the stiff, scratchy texture of them against his skin and been unable to stop himself from saying, concerned for God’s comfort: “But Lord, surely, these cannot be the finest sheets available aboard—they’re not even soft. Only say the word, and I will find a better—”  And God, smiling suddenly and broadly, interrupted him, saying, “Sometimes, Admiral, things that are expensive… are worse,” whereupon he had spent several moments snickering to himself. Sarpedon did not understand—the joke, if indeed it was one, had gone over his head entirely, though the sentiment rang true; he’s worked to keep enough nepotism babies with purchased commissions over the years alive in combat zones lest he receive strongly worded letters from the Houses upon their demises that he is well acquainted with the idea that the most effort-intensive soldiers to train are rarely the most effective ones at the completion of the task. Nevertheless. It brought him joy enough to see his God smile that he did not wish to break the spell by asking for an explanation; the moment had passed, and when Sarpedon slipped out into the hallway that night God’s expression was still mercifully blissful and untroubled.

(from blessed is that servant. i like this passage because i think it's a good showcase of everything i was trying to do with the fic re: taking humor (of course john quotes the freckle meme on a regular basis!) and mixing it in with some good old catholic phrases and imagery (only say the word...) and genuine emotion (poor sarpedon... he's trying so hard!) to ultimately, hopefully, present a version of john and sarpedon's love affair from sarpedon's hilariously tragic perspective that feels authentic and true to everything we love about this batshit series!)

(end-of-year writing asks here!)

[littlewalken]

Sep 21

Started rewriting the boy band story in preparation for typing it. The way this one worked is I did a draft by hand from my notes (this story has had several drafts over the years but was stripped back down to plot points and notes for reasons) and the next draft is also being hand written. I'm still tidying up and trying out a few things and it's easier to go back over hand written notes right now.

Once I finish this next draft and let it rest I should be able to type it in to the computer then print out a copy so I'll have a version on hand just in case. Of what? Exactly. Last house had a week long black out because someone decided they wanted copper wire, then another one because someone hit a major power pole while street racing. Here brown outs are just part of the dystopia.

Wait a minute, it's not a dystopia because no one in this zip code is a White Person. We're just the white ladies who share the bounty from our junk runs and returned squirmy neighbor puppy when she got out.

But if you're poor and already on the poor people electric plan, they do check so you can't scam, and have medical equipment like a sleep breathing machine or something do ask the power company if you can get a generator. Because we live in a place that seems to hit the brown out lottery on a daily basis they gave us a generator and portable solar panels to charge it.

You can also request the poser company inspect your home and if you're poor enough or your fridge is old and shitty enough they might give you one. No ice maker or wifi but it still fridgapates. The one they gave us is nearly 20 years old, should have got replaced at the last house with a few other appliances but guess which family member fucked that up too.

But the place we're hoping to get in to will come with appliances so we'll get to leave that fridge for the next people who move in here and that could be a blessing for them.

Well, we start physically butting things in storage in preparation for the eventual move today. This time it should only be for 3 months at the most, the destination is supposed to be ready to walk thru in October which means we can hopefully got in sometime in November or December but I don't hold my breath for shit like that, and it will be close enough to visit and not half a continent away.

So hopefully there will be some healing mixed in with this. It will be one large unit, not three of varying size because half of it has to be the Life Ruiner's literal trash, and there is time to organize how the stuff goes in to utilize the space more efficiently.

Hell, most of my stuff like my craft room and pretty much everything doll related has been packed since 2021 anyway. Can't sort what I literally can't get to. Now aside form compacting anything of the dealing with nature will just have to wait for the new home.

Aside from books, of which I thinned out the hoard quite well, and the Barbies I want to part with I'm pretty sure my possessions spark joy. I just haven't been able to use or display them in a joyful manner for a couple of years because shit happened.

[dzpenumbra]

7/25/23

A bit late tonight. I am pleased to say I slept very well. I am not happy to say I had very disturbing dreams.

Dreams of my family, and my family's home. A lot of very "acid-trip" surreal imagery. I swear, sometimes the only real difference between a weed-freakout, a severe panic attack and a bad nightmare is the... physical sensations and visceral emotions. I don't really feel like I get them in dreams so much. I get them after I wake up, absolutely. The racing heart, adrenaline coursing through your veins, that kinda shock to the system. But I don't know if I really feel that while I'm dreaming, while I'm still asleep. I don't know, maybe I do and I just haven't had one of those nightmares in a while. Guess I can count myself lucky that I don't even remember.

This dream was a bit more disturbing in hindsight by how... normalized all of the disturbing imagery was. Having my younger brother completely ignore most of what I'm saying to him, regardless of the context. Being looked at with constant suspicion and scrutiny. I had just... grown so fucking accustomed to being treated that way. Even from my little brother, who is supposed to like... look up to me. And for what reason? Fuck if I know. Because I have differing thoughts, ideas and opinions from my parents. Go figure.

The whole goal of the dream from what I could remember was... I was with a very beautiful woman, who was clearly my to-be partner in the dream. Though... she was wearing bold red lipstick which I really am not a fan of. But I kinda just looked past it. The goal was to shower with her, which for me is much less of a sexual act than a romantic one. One of very close bonding. My very few shared shower memories are all very fun, playful, close, intimate conversations. So really... the goal, in a nutshell... though it may appear to others and would most likely be read by most interpreters very directly as a sexual goal... is pretty far from that for me specifically. The goal is clearly deep, meaningful human connection; specifically comfort and bonding with another while being vulnerable. And every other person in the dream was very clearly the antithesis of this. Very distant, cold, skeptical, alienating, walls-up.

The other figure was my mom. This came up after me and my "partner" went to the downstairs bathroom, the one I used to shower in high school because the shower closest to my bedroom broke and my parents never even tried to get it fixed. When I went in there, I saw her two dogs... but they took the form of lions. Very sickly, emaciated skeletons of lions. I wasn't even remotely scared of them, I was just... deeply sad. I just got out of their way as they lumbered by. And that's really the metaphor. When you get a "guard dog" and forget that it's a living being with feelings and emotions and bonds... and you neglect them for extended periods of time... you can get a mixed bag of results. (Just like if you do that to people...) With these poor souls, they were no threat to anyone. They were barely fed. And they were lying in a bathroom covered in shit. Like this bathroom had become their cave, their hiding spot.

The partner figure and I started to clean the shit off the floor. I went out of the bathroom and ran into my mom, who was acting like this was completely normal. As usual. Bless her heart, if there's one thing I could give that woman, it would be courage. Shame you can't just give that to people. I was looking for paper towels to clean. She very casually warned me about a certain type of shit in the bathroom, very vaguely too... and then went about her business. I remember on the table there was a like... 8" diameter section of a log... it looked like a red pine kinda... which doesn't grow in that area, but I did find at the National Park nearby, all the bark looks like puzzle pieces, it's very oddly beautiful. This one had what looked like maple seeds growing out of it, it was a really odd combination of beautiful and... disturbing. I still don't fully know what to make of that. But my mom seemed all-in-all very dismissive and aloof. So we went back to cleaning up.

The woman I was with got to the type of shit we were warned about and it kinda half-exploded and stained her shirt. I just casually and genuinely said "don't worry, you can just borrow one of mine." Again, turning the focus back to intimacy, bonding, connection; making the best out of a... shitty... situation. But when I looked up at the stain, the stain was on a beer belly. It wasn't her. She had morphed into an overweight version of what looked like Spencer Sotelo, the singer from Periphery. And I guess that was enough for me to go "fuck this" and wake myself up. XD

I still haven't fully been able to parse why him specifically. The only real association I've had to him beyond just admiring his vocal abilities - which is very separate from a personality opinion, for me - was in one of the Periphery documentaries where... I kinda jumped to the conclusion that he was sort of a snobby upperish class California type. If you know what I mean... And I could be right, I could be wrong, I have no idea. It's hard to form an opinion on someone's personality from clips in a documentary... But what matters in context of this dream is what kind of associations I have with that specific symbol. And that's the association I had with that man. And I guess what it was kinda getting at was a hint I didn't really take in the beginning... the lipstick. I think the message was like... "okay, you didn't get it with the makeup, so... let's make this message much more clear..." And what's the message? Artificiality. Seeking a bond, seeking intimacy... with a mask. With someone who wears fur coats and gets their hair styled, but at home has a beer gut and a drinking problem. You know what I mean?

I endured so much shit from my family, so much disrespect. (I'm kinda editing this rant a little just to make sure I don't go on for too long and I'm gonna skip to the point.) All for... a taste of genuine human connection, bonding. Which turned out to be fake all along. I could acknowledge, see and find compassion for the way I was treated by my family. That was a big overt theme in the dream too, explicitly displaying genuine compassion while being treated like garbagio. Because of a very present awareness that their crappy action was directly sourcing from their own suffering. But the one person I could not see clearly at all... was the person I wasn't even looking at. The person I implicitly trusted. The person right by my side, the person whose entire role was to bond with me. Who chose that role, volunteered. They turned out to be the deceiver. So... I guess... as shitty as I've been treated by my family... I guess in a sick way I'm kinda glad that they're so... blatant about it. Now I'm just scared of the shapeshifters... the mask wearers... well... I guess more scared of my ability to detect them properly, especially when they are in a role like... someone who wants to bond with me. That does seem to be when I just get all starry eyed and blindly optimistic and shit.

Anyway, that was what I woke up to. But I got a good decent amount of sleep. I did wake up to creaks at one point but... I think I got back to sleep? I don't remember.

I've been pretty slow moving today. But despite that... I got a ton done on the grip tape. Finished outlining, then did shading on both the red and the gold pedals. Like... literally everything is done except for adding in details now. And maybe interior shading if I choose to do that. I have no clue what to do for pedal details, I'm just gonna wing it and then mirror the improvisation. That's what I usually do. I'm really proud of myself. That was a big step.

ALSO... I went outside my comfort zone with shading a bit. I usually use black for shading... I know... I kinda got used to the look of it, and it can have some kinda comic-book-like appearance to it... and a lot of my past work was monochromatic... but I decided to go outside my comfort zone and play around more with using color for shading. The red pedal basecoat is a mix of Alizarine Crimson and Dioxazine Purple, heavy on the crimson though. So I decided to do a wash of a mostly purple mix for shading... and pure crimson for a highlight. I... might have to lighten the highlight, even the pure crimson is a bit too low value for my comfort. I might even add a tiny bit of gold to it so it looks like it's reflecting the light from the gold leaves underneath. The gold... I was going to use the purple too... but decided instead to go with a mix of the metallic gold, a tiny touch of the purple to get the red from it and some Pthalo Blue. I watered that the fuck down and gave it a wash and it came out pretty damn good. It definitely gave the piece a lot more depth.

So yeah, a lot of big art steps today. Going outside of my comfort zone, on a piece that is bound to be destroyed, while improvising a design... on something that's going to be very visible... I'm proud of myself for it. It feels good.

I rewarded myself by getting a game I've had my eye on for a while, which was on sale. Mini Motorways. Holy crap did I get sucked into that. It's the perfect mix of simplicity, difficulty, calm and brain-frying all at the same time. Highly recommend, very easy to learn too.

I guess that's about it. Bed time.

[arynathome]

For a poll like this I think some background is important for science sake. I will un-anon my vote I guess lol. I'll include that I'm a 36-year old cis female of mixed ethnicity, who is blessed with good health. I have had many privileges in life (went to college, have always had access to the technology I needed, wasn't persecuted for my religion, have been generally accepted by my peers, etc.) and disadvantages (neglect and abuse growing up, I have been dirt poor, depression/anxiety, and of course I will always be perceived and treated a certain way because of my ethnicity and gender).

I feel quite powerless as an individual. I do not have the money or influence to make big waves. I don't have a lot of energy or emotional capacity to use my time to make the big waves without the money or influence. I'm just trying to carve out a small piece of this world to live in and try to do the right thing by others.

I vote. I donate a little money to Planned Parenthood. I try to be a positive influence on people.

I see a lot of backlash in the world right now. A lot of discomfort as we rush headlong into the future. Change is uncomfortable. Learning is pain. It's like ripping something apart inside you, especially when you're older. It's so frustrating to not KNOW. I see a society that is progressing quickly in so many ways. Technology is advancing faster than we know how to handle. Socially, we're more exposed to more ideas than ever (in large part because of technology). Our very language is evolving and how we communicate with each other is changing faster than ever. We can travel anywhere. But we're caught in outdated systems that are also continuing to balloon and grow at a pace that's too fast for us to keep with it. We're not flexible enough for all this change. So we have backlash. We have what I'm going to call societal stretch marks. Growth and change is happening. We ARE getting better. But slowly. Not as fast as I would like. Not as fast as we NEED.

My concern is that we will take too long and we will damage our planet to the point where we, as a species, can no longer survive. We will be forever an unfulfilled potential.

So, I am hopeful. I think the world is getting better over time. But I am worried we are running out of it.

[rehkkuma]

she's all yours | okuyasu x reader

summary: unlike his partner in crime, Okuyasu lacked experience in the dating field. Once he believes that he may have a chance with his crush, his best friend begins to get in the way.

words: 1.8k

disclaimers/tags: fem pronouns, modern AU (basically just phones being involved), tiny bit of angst, fluff, and cursing.

He was staring again. The poor 16-year-old boy couldn't help but notice every single detail about her: the slight tilt in her walk whenever she went up the stairs, how she would tie her shoes, and the unfortunate glint of light in her eyes whenever she spoke with his best friend.

Y/n L/n was someone extremely special to him (whether she knew it or not). She could read his expressions so clearly, sometimes knowing more about Okuyasu than Okuyasu did himself. The emotions he couldn't quite put his finger on, she always had an answer to. At times, he felt undeserving of the friendship he had with her. After coming to terms with his developing feelings for the girl, of course she began to get closer with his best friend.

He was painfully aware of the difference in treatment he received compared to Josuke. While Josuke could be referenced as Morioh's pretty-boy delinquent, Okuyasu was more like the intimidating ruffian that stood by his side. Obviously, Y/n did not think of Okuyasu in that way, but her perception of him didn't matter if he was considered nothing more than a friend.

"Hey," Josuke called out, concerned for his friend.

"Y-Yeah?" Okuyasu stuttered, trying to regain his thoughts.

"Whatcha lookin' at?"

Okuyasu silently thanked Y/n for standing in a crowd with other students. If she stood any further from the school's front entrance, it would've been easy for Josuke to pinpoint who he was eyeing.

"Nothing, really. Just thought I saw a cute girl."

Josuke shrugged his shoulders, repositioning himself so his back laid more comfortably against the tree. "Well, if you do see one, ask 'em out or somethin'. I wanna see you have your first kiss before we graduate," he chuckled.

"Mhm, yup," Okuyasu responded, eyes now glued to the grass he was sitting on. He was about to spew out a self-deprecating joke but stopped himself once he noticed Y/n approaching the two of them. Immediately, he recognized Josuke's energy shift from disinterest to eagerness.

"Y/n!" Josuke cheerfully said, waving at the girl.

"Hi, you two!" she waved back. Once coming close enough, she sat down along with the boys, her knees lacing together in a criss-cross position. Because of the short distance between her and Okuyasu, the boy could smell the flowery essence emitting off of her body. He wasn't too fond of fragrances, but the one Y/n had was light and sweet-- perfectly suiting her personality.

Before he knew it, Okuyasu was staring again. The only thing that got him to snap back into reality was the cry of laughter Y/n let out after Josuke made a funny remark.

"Did you hear that Okuyasu?" Y/n choked out, leaning back with both hands on her stomach.

"Y-Yeah." Okuyasu fake laughed, really having no clue what the hell was going on.

"God," Y/n sighed as she wiped off the faint tears forming in her eyes. "I wish I could hang out with you guys a bit longer, but I just wanted to drop by and say hi. I gotta help out with some chores tonight."

"It's all good," Josuke smiled. "But only if you promise to call me tonight."

The girl rolled her eyes while getting up from the ground. "We'll have to see about that, Jojo!" She then stuck her tongue out before scurrying off to her house.

Josuke chuckled, slowly placing his chin on the palm of his hand. "She's pretty cute, isn't she?" he said, eyes glued to the girl's figure in the distance.

"Yeah, she sure is."

* * *

Okuyasu could remember the first time he met her as clear as day: his hands were tucked deep into his pockets, feet dragging along the sidewalk while he was on his way to school. Unlike his regular routine, Josuke was unable to walk with him due to an argument breaking out between him and his mother. It seemed like a bummer at the moment, but maybe it was actually a blessing in disguise.

"Fuck!"

In front of Okuyasu's feet laid a girl. Her uniform was stained with a bright red juice and its can rolled next to her. He didn't recall exactly what happened, but he did feel someone's face hit his chest before hearing a thud.

"I didn't get any on you, did I?" the girl asked with panic.

Okuyasu, hands still in his pockets, shook his head. "Mnn. Don't think you did."

"Okay, thank God. These stains are so hard to get rid of."

That was one of the first things that Okuyasu remembered from Y/n. Her casual way of talking was enough to make any stranger feel like a good friend. Something about this girl piqued his interest.

"Guess it's not your first time, huh?" he hummed.

"You'd think I'd learn my lesson after the third time."

After the small accident, Okuyasu took the girl to the laundromat. Classes would begin in any minute, but neither one of the pair minded skipping it.

"Oi, what're you gonna be wearin' in the meantime? Don'tcha think the teacher's gonna kick your ass for showing up like that?" Okuyasu pointed at the revealing tank top she wore.

"Yeah, definitely. That's why you should totally let me borrow your top," she winked.

"Don't get too ahead of yourself. I don't even have a clue on what your name is."

"L/n." she replied crassly. "It's Y/n L/n."

That was several months ago. Since then, their relationship started to significantly grow. From sending short texts to sharing a few inside jokes, to hanging out every other day after school. In Okuyasu's eyes, it was inevitable for him to fall for a girl like her.

Right before he could spill about his crush to his best friend, Josuke had already introduced himself to her. It crushed Okuyasu to see the girl he loves slowly start to move on from him-- to his own best friend nevertheless.

All of his frustrations were best to be kept to himself. No way could he express his jealousy to Josuke or Y/n. Out of all the girls that fawned over Josuke, why did she have to be one of them?

**Brring**

Okuyasu rolled his body to the other side of his bed. On a nightstand was his phone that rang. The alarm was just loud enough to break through the pessimistic thoughts roaring through his brain.

"Who's this?" he asked, too lazy to check the contact number.

"It's me, Okuyasu! Why, is it that hard to use a second of your time to check the contact name?"

He recognized that voice anywhere. It was her.

"Aw, look. I was in bed, alright?" he smiled, feeling his mood change immediately after speaking with her.

A small giggle echoed from the other end of the phone. "Alright! I wasn't here to nag you all night anyways." The girl then cleared her throat with a cough before soon speaking again. "I was thinking we should hang out tomorrow. For ice cream, maybe. Just us."

Small butterflies began to form in his stomach from hearing the last sentence. "Just us" had never sounded better.

"Sounds good to me."

"Great!" she nearly interrupted. "A-Ah, sorry! I just got excited. It feels like we've been parting ways the past couple of weeks, but I promise tomorrow's gonna make up for it!"

"It's alright," Okuyasu sighed. "See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow!" she repeated.

* * *

Was it just Okuyasu or did she look way cuter today? The makeup she wore differed from the one she usually had on, her accessories managed to compliment her eyes even more, and she even put an effort into customizing her uniform like Josuke and Okuyasu despite expressing her laziness multiple times. She looked like an absolute doll.

"Hmph." She huffed. "You've been doing that a lot lately," she said flatly.

"Doing what?"

"Staring at me like I'm some crazy person."

Okuyasu internally panicked for a few seconds but composed himself. "You just look pretty lately, that's all."

He expected a cheeky comeback in return but was left with a bashful smile from her instead.

"Let's just hurry up and get ice cream..." she said, eyes faced to the ground.

Okuyasu nodded at her suggestion and began to walk, making sure his pace wasn't too fast for Y/n. He'd occasionally give a glance at her direction to know if he was walking at a comfortable speed for her.

Several minutes of walking and a few casual conversations later, the duo made it to the ice cream shop. Y/n ordered a mix of her two favourite flavours while Okuyasu ordered two scoops of mocha almond fudge. Feeling a bit more gentleman-like today, Okuyasu insisted on paying for the both of them.

"Thanks for the ice cream!" the girl said, taking a small lick of the cone. "I feel like the more I hang out with you, the more things I owe you back," she chuckled as the two left the shop.

"Don't sweat it. Hangin' out with you's enough for me." Okuyasu smiled.

"Ah, really?" she blushed. "That's... really sweet of you."

There she did it again. No witty comeback. Just a flustered reply.

"Somethin' up with you? Eat something bad today?" he asked.

"Hm?"

"You're just actin' a bit different, that's all. Not sayin' it's bad though. I kinda like it." Okuyasu continued to walk on the sidewalk but stopped once he realized Y/n was frozen still. "Hey, you comin'?"

Y/n began to slowly jog her way to Okuyasu. When she caught up with him, she paused once more, now looking into the young boy's eyes. "I feel like you don't hear yourself talk sometimes," she said. "I can't tell if you're flirting or you're just naturally this oblivious."

He didn't know how to respond. He was starting to get nervous from how close their faces were. If he wanted to, he could practically count each beauty mark on her face.

"Well?" she said.

"Well..." Okuyasu tried to come up with something but found himself paying more attention to the girl's lips. They looked plush and soft with a slight glossy coat from the ice cream.

Eventually, the girl noticed where he was looking at. Slowly, she closed the already small gap between the two.

"Okuyasu," she breathed out with a gentle tone. "I really like you."

"I-" he stuttered. "Not Josuke?"

"Josuke?" She covered her mouth with the back of her hand and chuckled. "I don't know what you think is going on between us, but it's not that. He's not exactly my type either."

Okuyasu couldn't believe what he was hearing. Before he could say anything back, he felt her lips against his right cheek. It was a delicate kiss. Maybe a bit sticky, but it made his heart do several backflips nevertheless.

Once her lips left his skin, she stood awkwardly in front of him. The way she looked up at his eyes with that lovestruck gaze made Okuyasu realize something he didn't before: he wouldn't need to jealous of other guys. It was clear that Y/n L/n was all his.

[greenygreenland]

Dream A Little Dream Of Me: Norman x Reader

-MANGA SPOILERS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! 

-NOTE: YOU’RE BOTH AGED UP SO DON’T START TELLING ME FBI’S GONNA COME TO MY DOOR 😂😂

-THE TIMELINE IS A BIT MESSED UP SO JUST IGNORE IT COMPLETELY AND DON'T ASK ME LOL

-also, is it just me or do thick eyebrows look really cute??? Norman has pretty thick brows compared everyone else and I think they're cute 

WARNINGS: Kissing lol

Summary: You finally see Norman again.

Life had to be the scariest thing you'd ever faced. It threw the bad, the good, the everything your way until you could barely stand. Until you were left broken and mangled and shattered. Life was scary. It was cruel. Yet somehow, today was different.

You thought it was a dream. After all, how could it be reality when the boy in front of you died a year and some months ago? He had been shipped out, left for dead because it was a part of his stupid escape plan.

So how was it he stood before you? Breathing? Smiling? Living?

The office door closed behind you with a soft click. It bathed the room in silence, as if for a moment, the world decided to give you a second to breathe. A second to take in the wonderous sight before you.

The boy's name stuck in your throat. He had changed, not only in height, but stature and appearance. Norman was older, and he grew up to be more handsome than any runway model could ever be.

"(Y/n)," he gently said. "I'm glad you're well."

That was all it took. One sentence and you tackled him in the tightest hug your trembling arms could muster. "Norman...!" To have his arms around you, to hear the beating of his heart--it was a relief. A miracle sent by the gods. "You’re so stupid!"

No, he was more than stupid. He had to be the dumbest boy alive to think that it was okay to sacrifice himself for the sake of your family. You all were supposed to escape together just like Emma said. No one was supposed to be left behind, yet Norman--bless his heart--acted on his own.

You hugged him as if he would disappear if you let go. "We were all supposed to leave together. But you--I thought you--shipped out--and then--!" You chocked on your words. What more could you say anyway?

You buried your face in the crook of his neck. The muffled sob that ripped through your throat was more than Norman could handle. His knees went weak and you both slowly sunk to the floor in a heap. 

"I'm here." he gently said. "I'm not going anywhere (Y/n)."

Despite the steadiness in Norman's voice, his shoulders hitched, and he sniffled. "I'm here." he repeated. "I-I'm here." It sounded like he were reassuring himself that he wouldn't leave you so soon, as if he were scared too. Not for the way you sobbed and sobbed, but for the ache in his heart that seemed to beat in sync with yours.

Slowly, your sobs turned to quiet sniffles, which then silenced into nothing but tiny hiccups. You basked in Norman's warm embrace. He didn't hold you too tightly, as if he were afraid it would shatter you to pieces. Instead, he pulled you close to his side and leaned on his desk behind.

You rested your head on his chest, taking the time to memorise his scent. Parchment, the woods, and old books. You liked that, it was comforting to know he still smelled the same. On the other hand, his voice wasn’t as smooth or rounded as it once was. It was icy. No one seemed to notice that tiny sharpness that hit the end of each note he spoke. You wondered what could've made his kind heart harden.

Sure, Norman was still the same Norman you remembered, but something about the way he acted seemed off. He was clingy, much more than he ever was. Maybe he just missed you? No, that couldn't be right. Norman acted as if he were running out of time. He held you close and gently, as if these would be the last moments you'd see each other again. As if there wouldn't be a tomorrow.

You slowly pulled away to get a good look at Norman's face. His chin was slightly pointier, his cheeks less chubby and full. His lips twitched upwards into a comforting smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes because he looked so overwhelmingly tired. Your poor boy probably worked day and night to keep the hideout on its feet. It must be hard on him, you thought. Especially since he was revered as a god.

Norman's brows raised. "What's wrong?"

You took his thin hands in your own and gave them a good squeeze. "It's nothing. What about you?"

Ah yes, small talk. The perfect way to avoid any question thrown your way. Norman knew you well, sometimes even more than himself. When you asked simple questions such as these, that meant your mind laid elsewhere in a land he could never reach. Norman took that as a hint to drop the subject.

For now.

He wondered what invisible weight laid on your shoulders. Was it something as heavy as his? Perhaps your weight was worse and it ate away at you. Norman wished he could take that weight away and relieve you of that pain. He'd carry it all if he could, and it didn't matter to him if he'd die trying. This was you he was thinking about. He'd do anything for you.

"I've been okay," Norman vaguely responded. "But I have been busy, so I find it difficult to sleep sometimes.”

Norman liked to be honest, but you knew it was because that helped him figure out what was wrong with you. It was a game of tag. In this case being 'it' meant figuring out each others' worries through a back-and-forth match.

"You haven't been sleeping enough?" Your voice came out rather quiet as you traced invisible circles over the back of his hands. "Is that because you have so much work? Or do you refuse to get help?" Norman sat in a still silence and you sighed.

Of course. 

This was your Norman after all. He always shouldered a burden too big for his shoulders to carry. It was always something so heavy, so terribly hard to balance by himself. If that burden grew any bigger, it would collapse, and that would be his downfall. But you wouldn't let that happen to your Norman. No, no, no. You'd take that burden from him, steal it if you had to, and be his crutch.

"What have you been doing here?" you quickly added. "As 'William Minerva', I mean?"

Norman looked unbearably uncomfortable. That little frown tugging at the edge of his lips was a tell-tale sign. “I’ve been getting a lot done." he carefully said. "In fact, I’ve figured out a way to end this. Once and for all.” 

Norman began by explaining the first phase of his plan. The first phase had long been in motion. It started with the indiscriminate burning of cattle facilities, then the gathering of information, and continued on to pave the way for all the other phases you didn’t care to hear about.

The first few steps weren't too bad, but the final act in Norman's plan made your skin crawl. You half-wished you hadn’t asked him anything to begin with. Maybe it would have spared your appetite. Your grip on his thin hands loosened and loosened until your hands rested on your lap.

Norman wasn't so little anymore. He had grown up just a bit, but not in the way you wished to see. How could he think of something so cold-hearted and cruel? The extermination of all demons in Neverland was an act of genocide. If you re-called correctly, it was also considered a war crime.

Norman was smarter than that. He understood the consequence he'd have to face if that were the path he walked right? He understood that there were still other options right? Maybe you heard him wrong.

No.

You had to have heard him wrong. Norman wasn't ruthless like that. He was a ball of sunshine that made you smile whenever you were together.

"I see..." You tightly smiled. "So that's your plan on freeing everyone?" Norman nodded with a seriousness that took you back to the time he left everything to you and Ray and Emma. 

You weren't mistaken then. Norman truly meant everything he said.

"Yes, that is my plan. It's been taking me a little longer than expected to set it in motion. I've decided to officially start tomorrow."

Tomorrow? 

Your breath hitched. "Don't you think that's a bit hasty? What if...what if something goes wrong?" Norman smiled. It was hollow and wry and everything that he wasn't. "Don't worry. Fortunately, I've always been pretty good at getting what I want." You didn't return the smile, and you didn't want to say why.

Norman was quick to catch on. But of course he would catch on so quickly, this was Norman. Your Norman.

"Do you have a problem with my plan?" he inquired. You shook your head. "No, it's...it's not that." Yes, it was that. Your plan is dangerous even if it is good, you thought. Innocent lives wouldn't be spared, and that would spell an unfair fate for the demons who ate to survive.

You wanted to tell Norman why his plan was wrong, and why he didn't have to be so unforgiving about it. But then what? Why would he listen when you didn't have any better ideas? He seemed to have his mind set anyway, so no half-baked ideas would make a difference. And besides, he was the smartest person you knew. Maybe that was the only way out of the terrible fate all you cattle children faced.

"If you're okay with my plan," Norman said, "then what's bothering you (Y/n)?"

"It's still a lot for me to take in," you admitted with a plastic smile. "I guess I'm just shocked that you're, well, here." Norman smiled, this time with a genuine warmth. "I understand." He leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on your lips. "I'll see you at dinner."

Your cheeks burned. How bold of him. "Y-yeah, I'll see you at dinner." Norman let out a cute little chuckle that made your heart beat a little louder than it was supposed to. You hauled yourself off the floor and made your way to the door. Norman followed.

You flashed him a nervous smile, one that mixed in with your muddled worry and anxiousness. You glanced at his bright eyes. For a moment, they seemed to dim like the setting sun. It reminded you of Mama. When no one looked at her, she didn’t smile. She always looked so sad when she sat by herself, and maybe that was because she was. 

"(Y/n)?"

Your fingers brushed against the doorknob. “Hm?”

"I want nothing more than to protect you and our family. I know you don't fully agree with me," his expression darkened. "But this is the way--the only way we can save everyone without spilling a single drop of blood."

For a moment, you forgot who you were speaking to. This wasn't the same boy you begged to run away with before he got shipped out. This wasn't the same boy who gently tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and sweetly complimented you. This boy--did you truly still know him? Was he still the Norman you grew up with and fell head-over-heels for?

You blinked and that dark look washed itself off his face. He strode up to you and placed a hand on your cheek--just like the day he was supposed to be harvested. Norman’s eyes were soft, softer than any blanket, and his lips pursed into a gentle frown. With his thumb, he wiped a stray tear away. 

Why were you crying?

"Norman..." You couldn’t find the right words. There were none that could explain the suffering you endured in silence. You worried, not only for Norman, but your family and all those other people in the world you didn’t know about. Norman’s plan--oh how stupid it was--had it changed him? Had it forced him to guard his heart to keep a still mind? 

You wondered what he endured while you went on your crazy adventures. At least you had your family, and Yuugo, Lucas, and all your friends. But Norman? He didn’t have anyone but himself. He carried the whole world. Alone. Had he been scared? Worried? Angry that no one came for him? Your heart clenched at the thought. 

"Smile,” Norman said. “It’s okay, I promise. I'm here." He gathered you in his arms and you didn’t have the heart to protest. “How?” you whispered. “How were you able to do all this on your own?” Norman helplessly shrugged. “You could say I have connections, either that or I’m just lucky.”

“What will you do after this is all over?”

Norman went still again, as if he couldn’t answer your question. You heaved in a shaky breath. If Norman wasn’t going to give you a straight answer, then you’d squeeze it out of him. “Did anything else happen to you? I’m sure there’s a catch, isn’t there?” 

It was like someone flipped a switch. One moment, you were a mess of tears, sorrow, and anguish. Now, something menacing laid in your voice. It was almost threatening, as if you were indirectly telling Norman to dare avoid the question. “I don’t want you dying trying to be everything at once,” you said. “Here you’re revered as a god, and if I know you, then it’s plain that you set yourself up like that. Don’t tell me you plan to die on us again.”

He stiffened.

“I know you Norman, don’t forget that. And because I love you, I don’t want to see you destroy yourself. I admit, I don’t know why you act like you’re going to leave again, but I’ll do everything in my power to stop you.” You pulled away and took his hands in yours. A small smile of reassurance made its way up your lips, but Norman didn’t return it. 

No, he couldn’t. And despite all he did, he couldn’t lie straight to your face. Not like this.

Dinner cheered you up. The smiles and laughter that your family shared with Norman made you feel just a little bit better. But how long would it last? And how long would those smiles stay present? All the questions swarming in your mind made you feel sick to your stomach. There was too much to think about, and too little time to answer them.

You forced down the last of your food with a sigh and brought the plate to its respectful place. Everyone was too busy chatting and catching up to notice, but that was fine. It was better that way. 

You made your way to a secluded walkway. It was in one of the calmer areas of the hideout that overlooked the lower levels. It was quiet, save for the distant chatter of Hayato and his friends. He let out a bright laugh that echoed through the vacant walkways. What a shame it would be to hear that disappear.

“So this is where you went.” 

“I told you she’d be here.”

You whipped around in alarm. “Ray, Emma!” 

Ray sharply looked you up and down. He raised a brow and you squirmed under his gaze. He gently bumped shoulders with you. “What’s wrong with you?” 

You absentmindedly shrugged. “Nothing.” 

“That’s what someone who’s not okay would say.” Emma noted. She settled by your side on the railing and flashed a bright smile. “You were so quiet at dinner today.” 

You shook your head. Que another absentminded shrug and plastic smile. “I guess I just wanted to make sure everyone was okay.” 

Ray sighed. “Everyone but you?” He leaned against the railing next to you. “Did you and Norman talk at all?”

You froze. ‘Yes’, was what you wanted to say, but no sound came out. The image of Norman’s matured face, the way his his soft lips hit your own, and his stupidly tall build crossed your mind. 

Emma let out a gasp and slapped a hand over her mouth. “Ah!” she cried. “You’re all red!” You covered your hands with your face, ignoring Ray’s curious stare.

“What did you two talk about in his office anyway? Or should I say, do?” The glint in Ray’s eyes had subtext you didn’t want to recite out loud. “Rayyyyy,” you grumbled, “shut up.” He sent you a teasing grin as Emma frowned in confusion. “I don’t get it.” 

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Yeah, it’s grown up stuff.”

You ignored the warmth spreading to your cheeks and elbowed Ray. “Don’t say it like ‘that’! Now you make it sound like something else!” 

He daringly raised a brow. “Like what?” You ran a hand over your scorching face. It was a miracle you weren’t on fire. “No, no, I’m not answering you!” 

You shared a good laugh and a comfortable silence began to settle, blanketing your shoulders in a lightness that you hadn’t felt in a while. 

Emma softly smiled. “I’m glad we found you.” she admitted. “You looked really sad all by yourself out here.” Ray nodded with a small snort. “Yeah, talk about depressing. But seriously though, did something..?”

Of course these two would see through your façade. Of course they’d understand something was wrong. They were your family, and they didn’t deserve your silence. Your smile shattered. “I don’t know if Norman told you about his plan yet, but it’s...it’s bad. Sure, the demons have done some terrible things to us, but that doesn’t mean all of them are guilty. I want to stop him, but I don’t know how.” 

Emma nodded in agreement. “He told us earlier and I don’t like it either.” she firmly said. “Ray and I talked it over and we have a plan, but it’s risky. Like, really risky. It has to do with the Seven Walls and...” 

You held on to every word Emma and Ray spoke. Risky was your middle name. Well, not actually, but it was something that became your friend. You and your family looked death in the face too many times to count. What would be another?

By the end of it, you were sure this new plan would change Norman’s mind, or at least convince him to give up the whole ‘genocide’ thing. It was decided by Ray that tomorrow, you’d all talk to Norman. Things seemed to be looking up. No, they had to be.

------------

The halls were empty and you were alone. How was it you got lost in the first place? You made sure to have every twist and turn memorised, so why did you end up in the wrong corridor twice? Ray would surely tease you for getting lost. What an absolute--

You slammed into someone’s chest. A yelp escaped your throat as the person in question lost his footing. He sucked in a sharp breath and went tumbling straight into you. Your back hit the ground as the boy threw out his arms on either side of your head to brace himself. You didn’t need a name to know who you had tumbled into. Light hair, soft eyes, fancy waistcoat and suit. 

“Norman?”

He hovered over you with wide eyes. His lips were inches from yours and he was just so, so close. 

Thump, thump, thump.

Your heartbeat was so gosh dang loud. Could he hear it? Could he see the way your face burned red? 

“Uhm--I--I--uh--” 

Why wasn’t he moving? Why weren’t you moving? Why was it so hard to look him in the eyes? A nervous smile broke out across Norman’s lips. He pushed himself off of you and offered out a hand. You gingerly took it.

“Sorry.” Norman said, helping you to your feet. “I wasn’t looking where I was going. Are you okay?” Your gaze darted from his lips to his dazzling eyes and then to his cheeks dusted in red. Your heart wouldn’t stop slamming against your chest. It kept going, and going until you felt like you were about to burst. 

“Sh-shouldn’t I be asking you that?” you retorted. “I’m not the one who--you know...gets sick all the time.” You weren’t sure why you said it like that, or why that made Norman smile so cutely, but he was smiling. That made your heart flutter. You glanced around the corridor a few times, and somehow, you kept finding focus on his lips. 

What was wrong with you?

Norman caught on fast--like he always did. “Oh I see,” he said with a low chuckle. You swallowed. His voice really did deepen (but you kind of liked it). For a moment, you thought he caught onto your staring, but instead of commenting on it, he intertwined his hand with yours and led you through the winding halls. 

“Don’t tell Ray I got lost.” you muttered. Norman laughed and it was like the sound of happiness itself. “I won’t.” 

The halls all looked the exact same: cream coloured paint, nature-like decorations, and numbered wooden doors. You forgot what number your room was, so that was probably why you got lost. Norman took a sharp left where you recalled should be a right instead. “Wait isn’t it that way?”

“I have something to give you, so we’re going to make a quick detour.” Norman’s cheeks dusted pink and he looked the slightest bit nervous. “What is it you want to show me?” He flashed you a contagious smile. “It’s a surprise.” 

“What kind of surprise?”

“I can’t tell you,” he said with a chuckle, “that’s why it’s called a surprise.”

When you got to his office, you were nervous. Surprises were fun, yes, but in a world where nearly getting eaten by wild demons fell into the category of ‘surprise’, you learned not to like them very much.

Norman closed the door behind you and it softly clicked shut. Okay, you thought. So he was locking the door and making his way over to his desk. Okay, that’s fine. Norman shuffled through a cabinet, that nervous look still on his face. Okay, okay, nothing wrong here. He gently shut the drawer, and as he walked out from behind his desk, you took note of the small little box he fiddled with. 

Okay. Okay. Box. Nervous. Locked door. Did he not want anyone to interrupt whatever he was about to do? 

Norman heaved in a deep breath. A really, really, really deep breath. “(Y/n), I have never met anyone else like you. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, and you’re beautiful and kind.” He sunk to one knee and opened the little box. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes!”

---------

You jolted awake with a start. 

“Sorry,” Norman said. He scribbled a few words down in his notebook. “Did I wake you?” 

Ah, that’s right. After you talked with Emma and Ray, you all met up with Norman and hung out for a bit. But when had you gotten to his office? Much less, fallen asleep? You rubbed your eyes with a shake of your head. Judging by the tired look on Norman’s face, it was way past bedtime.

The heavy cloak around your shoulders offered a welcoming warmth. It smelled like books. It smelled like parchment and ink. It smelled like Norman and it was comforting. 

He glanced up from his notebook and curiously met your gaze. “What are you smiling at?” The dream popped up in your mind and your smile grew. “I had a good dream.” 

“What was it about?” he inquired without looking up.

“You.” 

The scratch of the pencil froze and he met your gaze. “You had a dream about me?” Your cheeks flushed. “Yeah, and you proposed.” Norman’s back went rigid and he turned as red as an apple. “I-I pro--proposed to you?” he stammered. You snickered, a smug smile tugging on your lips. “It was really sweet. And if you’re wondering, I said yes. I was going to kiss you, but then I woke up.” You stood up with a sigh. “It was disappointing, but that’s okay.” 

You let out a small laugh and neatly folded Norman’s cloak. You left it on the couch and made your way across the room. “That’s a nice notebook.” you said. “What’re you writing about?”

Norman stilled and closed the book with a smile. “It’s nothing special.” He put the pencil down ever so quietly and stood. “Do you seek my affections?” he inquired. You settled on the wall. “Don’t you have work to do?” Norman looked down at you. His fringe brushed across his eyelashes, and he loosened his tie. Slowly.

Your heart steadily drummed against your chest. “What are you doing?” The false innocence in your voice caused Norman to chuckle lowly. He caressed your cheek with a feather-light touch. “Well, you did say you were disappointed right? Why don’t I make it up to you?” 

He rested an arm on the wall with a sly smirk. Your lips connected and it made your stomach flip-flop. The kiss was slow, it was sweet. You found yourself pulling him closer, running your hands through his hair and yanking him over. "Norman?" He met your gaze with half-lidded eyes. "Yes (N/n)?"

"Where did you learn how to do that?"

He smirked and it was hot. The fact that he kept his arm braced against the wall didn’t help either. "Why?" he lowly inquired. "Do you like it?" Your breath caught in your throat and you found yourself wanting more. 

Knock, knock!

Norman didn't look too happy about that. He ran a hand over your cheek and gently tucked a lock of hair behind your ear, that half-lidded look of his melting into warmth and love. He made his way to the door, tightening his tie and smoothing out his hair with a quick touch.

"Hello--?" Norman fell short mid-sentence. As soon as your gaze locked with the person on the other side, you understood why. Ray stood in the threshold, just as red-faced as you and Norman, with a sheepish look on his face. “I’ll come back later.” he muttered. 

Oh great. Had he been eavesdropping? You glanced at Norman and he glanced at you, then Ray, and back to you. Ray sucked his teeth and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Don’t have too much fun.” he said, a smirk twitching onto his lips.

You made your way to the threshold with a groan. “Rayyyy!” 

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry.” he coolly replied. “Do whatever, I didn’t see anything.”

PART 2 <--- READ PART 2

NOTE: I spent a WHOLE WEEK writing this. Please reblog so I know you guys like it :)

TIP JAR