#it's a long story about healing and lingering trauma and actively feeling a part of me fade away for hopefully better or for smth different

[creatureprofessor]

since yesterday, my dad asked me to show him ep 9 & 10 regardless bc he wants to see this show till the end. i had given him ample warnings but still, at the end a new genre of television was invented: a show that makes my dad sit on the couch deep in thought then take a quick walk in the garden on a late December night.

he also asked me what the moral of all this was at the end and my first answer was "don't go to the arctic". the 2nd was a better one about the show's themes and motifs and how character-driven it is, and i talked to him about how the cast had a great time, actually and he said "i find that very hard to believe, but that probably just shows how good actors these people are"

[cabinofimagines]

Nico’s ABCs

 Him, I whisper fondly as I try to not replicate the Solangelo’s ABCs (spoilers)

Pairing: Nico di Angelo x reader Request: No Warnings: A few mentions of past trauma, because it is Nico after all. Word count: 2.1k

- Asja

Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Going on basic dates in the outside world, getting used to the ‘future’. Nico has already had a lot of experience in the world, but only as a demigod and never as a teen. Tell him where to go and he will get you there, with some detours sometimes. 

Beauty - What do they admire in their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Your determination to go on for so long. Life isn’t easy and he admires the fact that you’re resilient still, even after what your life has thrown your way. He loves how you have passions, or hobbies and how he is a part of your life. 

Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He wouldn’t exactly be clueless on what to do - but he wouldn’t know how to act either. He will talk to you, get you somewhere private and for from there. He is very good at picking up when things are off and he often knows what’s coming before you do. This means that he will take care of you before you figured you needed it. If you need space he grants it to you too, because he understands the need to be alone more than any other person.

Dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Your past doesn’t define your future - but it does matter. Nico hasn’t had a good past, and that’s and understatement, so he is scared of what the future will hold. Rather than thinking of dreams and going forward he wants to be here, and go from there. He first needs to close old wounds before being able to form dreams, so he doesn’t picture the future further than tomorrow. 

Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

In terms of togetherness you both are equals, however you need to take the lead in dates and touch. Nico doesn’t have the need to be close in proximity with other people, but he finds calmness in being close with you. He fears he might scare you away or hurt you one day and therefore doesn’t initiate a lot, so you need to be a bit more dominant that way.  

Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Grudges are something the son of Hades will hold. If you fight and it is your fault, he will need time to warm up to you again. Do put in effort though, because he won’t try anything out of himself. If it’s his fault that you’re fighting, he will still need time, but guilt then comes in. He might come up to you one day, and very quietly say that he’s sorry, and why he is sorry. 

Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Nico is often hyper aware of where you are in his vicinity and what you’re doing. He might not always say it, but he appreciates the times you take care of him when he can’t. He is very grateful for your existence and you putting up with him, and this he does tell you every so often. 

Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

This boy has never been able to trust anyone really in his life. His whole story is a secret and you may only know the general lines of it. He just finds it really hard to share and is still working on it, so he will keep stuff from you. Nico doesn’t know how to share what he wants to, and he really wants to, but he has been hurt enough and doesn’t want the same thing to happen to you. 

Inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Being with you has urged Nico to get better mentally. He has a ‘Therapist’ (Mister D.) which he talks to and he tries to take care of himself more now. He wants to heal, and leave his past but it is hard. You will need to be there for him, but you will also need to draw the line when it gets too much. You are his significant other, not his therapist, and he knows that and respects it. Help him heal and get through the day. 

Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Nico won’t like it if you don’t spend much time with him, but he is not possessive of you. He knows that you are his own person, and he too needs time off from relationships some days. Don’t expect him to get all cuddly because you ignored him, because he will just assume that you needed time to yourself and respect that. 

Kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Kisses are not Nico’s forte. He might kiss your forehead or cheek, but if you want to kiss him on the lips you need to take your time. Nico often asks if he could kiss you before doing so when he initiates the act. The first kiss was after a date, you just got back and Nico was tired from shadow travelling. His tired mind went ‘I wish I could kiss you,’ and apparently so went his voice, because you told him he could, softly pressed your lips together after which Nico rested his head on your shoulder and promptly fell asleep. 

Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

The feelings would’ve been festering for a while now, and Nico was very aware about them. But he wouldn’t confess, scared of losing what you already had together. You will have to ask him on a date, and he will agree on it.

Memory - What’s their favourite memory together?

Resting together underneath a tree, in the shadow. You were ranting about something - he can’t recall what - and the way your eyes showed your passion made him so soft inside. He got lost in your words as kept going, and for a moment it was just normal. Two teens, on a date, talking and listening. He smiled softly and let you lead the way with your speech. 

Nicknames - What do they call their s/o?

Nico will come up with some snarky nickname, but then you know (affectionate). In other times, when he is more tired he might mumble words in Italian, which you figure are very affectionate towards you too. Don’t expect him to use nicknames when other people are around, because he won’t.  

On Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Butterflies in his stomach is the only thing making him aware of his feelings and he hides it. People aren’t aware that he likes you, because the lingering gazes aren’t long enough to be noticed and no one sees his eyes long enough to seem them go soft when you are there. When you both start dating it gets progressively more obvious, but sometimes you have to tell people you are dating before they see it. 

PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Hand holding is the furthest he would go in daily PDA. Holding each others pinkies perhaps too. As much as he hates to admit it, he doesn’t want to be seen as ‘soft’ in the public and therefore will hardly show love in public too. He might say ‘Love you.’ real quick as a bye if he feels like it, but that’s how far that goes. 

Quirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Nico’s shadow travelling is a blessing. You both are easily able to sneak out of camp without being caught and can often go on dates for that matter. Do give him his rest though, by letting him sleep when you get back. 

Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He is romantic in the sense of - he doesn’t know better than to be a gentleman in a relationship. Romance is not important to him in a way some may want, he would much rather have a good bond and go from there. First you were friends, and then you were dating, and both times are good times. 

Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Nico has a lot going on for himself, but he will try to be supportive and realistic. If you rant to him about what you’re trying to achieve, he will try to give you advice, although it’s not always good advice. If you tell him what he could do to help, he will try to. If you’re struggling he will ask how he can help, if he can, but he understands the importance of achieving your own goals too.  

Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice up your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

A break is what Nico needs, not a thrill. You two easily settle for the routine camp gives you and have outings together every other week. Nico needs stability for once in his live, and if you can grant it he will be forever grateful.

Understanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Bad feelings are more Nico’s forte than good ones. If something’s up with you he will know and act accordingly, but if you’re happy he is slower to pick up on why. Nico is a very closed off person and finds it hard to trust people and share his story, so don’t feel hurt when he doesn’t tell you stuff. 

Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

It’s not easy for Nico to get attached to someone and to built a relationship with anyone - whether it’s platonic or not. Therefore, when he does get a relationship he would be very dependent on it and value it above most other things in his life. He may not show it, but you matter more to him than he would like to admit. 

Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

He talks about you a lot to his friends. If he visits Hazel, she suddenly knows everything. If Jason asks how Nico has been, it only takes 2 minutes for him to go to you as a subject of conversation. He can’t really help it, because you’re often on his mind and then he just wants to talk about it. 

XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Contrary to popular believe, Nico isn’t touch starved. Cuddles sometimes make him suffocate and kisses are just weird in the beginning. When he warms up to you sometime into the relationship, there will be more kinship but nothing over the top. You might cuddle while watching a move and forehead kisses happen more often but he won’t be an affectionate puppy suddenly. For Nico, words of affirmation are more important than touch. 

Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He will lay on his bed, look at the ceiling, and just yearn. If he really misses you he grabs a pillow and starts hugging it. Nico wasn’t aware on how much he needed your presence until it was gone, and now he just wants to see your face and a hug. He might forget to eat at this point, but as soon as you’re there he gets better. 

Zeal - are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Nico would do anything for the relationship when it’s formed. Depending on if said things are actually possible to do or not, he will go through great lengths. He draws the line at sacrificing others for your relationship - you might matter a whole lot to him and he wouldn’t know how to deal with losing you but he can’t lose other people too. 

Taglist:   @beneaththeiceandsnow,  @bandshirts-andbooks

[overwatch-does-stuff]

Torb and/or Rein for the character ask? Would love to hear your opinions!

For this ask game! This post turned out really really long so I'm putting it beneath the cut for the sake of the mobile users.

Torbjorn (my beloved):

a song that reminds me of them What I've Done by Linkin Park. Something about the more industrial sound and the themes of regret really hits different. If you want my really weird one, When They Come For Me by Linkin Park as well. I can't really explain this one as well. . . I know this song is literally about a rapper's journey but the kinda vibe of working hard to get better and rejecting what people expect you to be? That's what I associate. I'm worried I'm going to be mocked relentlessly for this one, because most people simplify Torb's character down to "haha funny dwarf man" but fail to mention the part where he's fiercely independent and is dealing with a lot on his plate. Okay and finally! Burn It Down by Linkin Park. This one is self explanatory, it gives me big Omnic Crisis vibes and the chorus is almost word-for-word his typical catch phrase.

what they smell like There's a very specific scent that I'll try to describe. There are chemicals used to get gun powder and other gook off of guns, and they have a very astringent, oily scent to them. No matter how many times you wash your hands, the smell always lingers. I imagine it lingers on him too.

an otp Him and his wife!!!

a notp Pretty much any other ship with him. I'm not really a shipper in general and I dislike breaking up canon ships.

favorite platonic/familial relationships Brigitte- I like to think he's a good dad. I like their relationship a lot, where they're obviously very close but he respects her enough to let her go her own way with things. I like the themes of legacy that surround them, the almost love-hate relationship Torbjorn has with her becoming an engineer like him, the almost love-hate relationship Brigitte has for joining an industry that already has her father's name plastered all over it. It's fascinating. Reinhardt- bubbly optimistic loud man is best friends with the grumpy pessimistic quieter man? A character dynamic made in heaven. Bastion- I thought I had already made a post where I outlined my thoughts on Torbjorn and Bastion, but I can't seem to find it. In short, not only are they the "cute dad robot child" combo, but Bastion also represents so much for Torb. Bastion is a walking reminder of the Crisis that he helped cause- the violence, the trauma, and most importantly, the legacy. Bastion is Torbjorn's redemption: if the most destructive robot he ever built can choose non-violence then maybe the Omnics can be a force of good after all. He hates Bastion but he needs them. And Bastion, looking for their own redemption and purpose, needs him too.

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with Literally everything to do with the "haha funny dwarf man" side of the fanbase. I guarantee you, if Torbjorn was a normal height and typically attractive man he'd be one of the most beloved characters in the fandom but because he's short he's a joke. It makes me so mad!!

the position they sleep in Flat on his back, all sprawled out. Alternatively, I think he likes being the big spoon with his wife.

a crossover au i’d love to see them in Probably Transformers Prime. He'd be best freaking buds with Ratchet!

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn My favorite skin? Honestly, his classic skin is extremely iconic. . . but if I had to pick another it'd be Santaclad. It's literally flawless. Now for Reinhardt:

a song that reminds me of them Whenever I hear Reinhardt's name I immediately think of Sabaton. The entire band embodies his whole vibe- epic power metal telling and embellishing war stories of the past. I know this is stereotypical and often used as a joke pick, but I seriously do associate The Last Stand with him. It's a story from the time frame of the crusaders, although it follows a much more noble group of defenders- just like the Overwatch Crusaders. There's also a lot of overt religiousness in this song and while I don't headcanon Rein as religious, he does believe strongly in faith and the strength of spirit.

what they smell like It would be nice to think that he smells good, but honestly. . . I don't see him using any sort of cologne or anything. Like yeah, he showers, but he's so active that I bet he's always sort of sweaty. He smells very masculine in that sense.

an otp I don't really ship him with anyone because I headcanon him as aro/ace.

a notp I just. . . I don't like shipping him with Ana, purely because I think their platonic relationship is 100x better

favorite platonic/familial relationships Ana- I have a lot of thoughts on this one. . . I feel like these two would be the type to use the phrase "my better half" platonically. There's a contrast between them, yes, with Ana being the quieter and more responsible and Reinhardt more energetic and outspoken, but their differences cover each other's weaknesses. Both care so deeply about the ones they love and would do anything to protect them. Both of them are dealing with the fallout of Overwatch in almost the exact same way as well, and I think it would be good if they met up sometime in canon and coped together- except for the fact that she left him behind to begin with. It's that friendship with that hint of tragedy that really gets me. Brigitte- Platonic mentor/mentee relationship???? Reinhardt being godfather status????? How could you not. How could you not adore them. Bastion- They're not friends. The dev teaser for OW2 made that one very clear. But. . . their interplay is going to be interesting as hell. It always has been. They're two old soldiers with a sizable and frankly quite understandable chip on their shoulder. Will they reconcile, will they heal? There's a part of Rein (and Bastion as well) that wishes to befriend everyone he meets. Will it be able to overcome the trauma between them?

a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with This is fanon but instead canon but- some of Michael Chu's short stories imply that Ana and Jack don't like Reinhardt and that is. Not Correct. They're all friends because I said so.

the position they sleep in I think he sleeps on his side or his stomach, but never on his back. I also imagine he cuddles- be it a person or a pillow.

a crossover au i’d love to see them in Knight Rider, simply because he adores David Hasslehoff so much.

my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn I'm an absolute sucker for power armor, and Reinhardt's classic crusader armor is peak power armor design.

[gaynoctgar]

Prompto’s Brotherhood Arc is Fatphobic 2, Electric Boogaloo: Haley’s Back and She is Pissed

This essay is going to be an even deeper dive into the fatphobia that permeates Prompto’s character arc, and is going to handle the issue with more grace and nuance than I did the first time.  This is also going to explore the effects the arc had on me as a player, and on other players who share my experiences.  It is going to be very organized, long, and methodical (word count: ~5300).  It’s a bit of a doozy, but it is something I feel it is very important.  I have been wanting to elaborate on my previous Prompto essay for a long time, and for reasons I will detail below, I feel that I am ready to do this now.

Consider this a sequel to my earlier essay, and I will be referencing it throughout.

Stand back everyone; Haley’s about to get mean and personal. 

Under the cut for safety and length, please avoid if the subject is triggering to you!  Take care of yourselves! 

Thank you all so, so much for hearing what I have to say.

TW: fatphobia, eating disorders (both in terms of Prompto and of the author)

Intro

All right everyone, buckle in.  Last time I think I was a little bit too nice about this.  Last time I think I let a little too much go.  But I’m a full three years older now and I’ve seen a few more things.  And now I think it’s time that I really just let loose and criticize the fuck out of Square for something they have consistently done wrong, and that is the way they have handled issues with weight in regards to one Prompto Argentum.

Many of you may know that Prompto is one of my favorite characters in anything ever.  This very sideblog, in fact, used to be named for him (old url was promptoisbi).  It’s because of this that I hate that he’s so consistently shit on by the narrative, but right now we are talking about the out-of-universe insidiousness of the fatphobia that completely permeates this story.

The first essay is right here but the TL;DR version of that is essentially “the way that Prompto’s weight loss in Brotherhood is portrayed as a moral and positive good and in fact necessary for him to be a protagonist is immensely fatphobic.  Because the game refuses to problematize this, I am going to, and I’m going to contextualize that with my own experiences to help explain why this is so fucked.”  At that time, I was recovering from long-term anorexia, and I think that permeated a lot of what I wrote. I don’t regret this, and I still think the essay is pretty solid.  But I’m not a woman who won’t admit her own limitations, and one of mine at the time was that a lot of my fatphobia was internalized.  Now that I am healing, now that I have talked to other people with experiences that mirror my own (notably @chubbyargentum), I think I am in a better place to articulate what upsets me.  

The rest of the essay will be divided into six parts, themed as follows:

A redux of my central criticism in the first essay, that the narrative treats Prompto’s weight loss as a positive, moral good.  In fact, it’s necessary for him to be seen as a protagonist.

Detailing that Prompto’s weight loss was directly motivated by another character, and this other character does not apologize to Prompto at all for his previous behavior.  We are in fact supposed to believe that him saying what he said was a good thing.

Evidence that Prompto still legitimately has an eating disorder from his trauma. This goes unexamined by the story, and in fact seems to be actively encouraged by other characters, notably Ignis and Noct.  This isn’t to bash the characters, but the way they are written.

Points 1 and 3 combined produce a genuinely triggering experience for players like me; this is where I detail some of my own history with weight and eating problems.

Anticipating pushback, I propose two alternative scenarios that avoid the problems outlined in parts 1-4: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight, and one where he does but it’s handled a lot more sensitively.

A personal look at what (and who) actually motivated me to do a Part 2 to my essay.

Followed by a TL;DR conclusion if you want to jump right to the heart of things.  I know this is a long essay, and I don’t apologize, but I do want to make it accessible to those who might have a harder time reading something so long.

Time to knock down these points, one by one:

Part 1: Equating Weight Loss to Morality

Prompto’s episode in Brotherhood, “Dogged Runner,” serves as our introduction both to Prompto as a character, and pulls double-duty to show us how he becomes involved in the life of a prince.  Gladio and Ignis’ episodes did not have to do this double work because they are in Noct’s life by occupation, but Prompto, being a commoner, needs this introduction. Unfortunately, this episode is not twice as long to handle the double workload it gave itself, and the plot clearly suffers for it.  For those who don’t remember, Prompto seems to be a child who more or less raises himself--a shy boy who is in the same grade as Noctis.  He is quite obviously overweight, and the episode in fact chooses to focus the bulk of its attention on that rather than how he met Noctis (this will be explored in Part 2, below).  This is what I take issue with.

Due to....an encounter, we’ll call it, with his royal classmate, Prompto becomes motivated to “improve himself to become someone worthy of a prince,” as described in Episode Prompto.  Right off the bat, this description is implying that in order to be worthy of Noctis’ companionship--even independently of Noctis’ own actions, which will be problematized in the next section--he must be different than the way he is.

This...doesn’t make sense.  We already saw that Prompto was a kind and generous soul, if rather shy.  He took in “Tiny” of his own accord; he fixed her up and fed her and made sure she was healthy, solely out of the goodness of his heart.  What else could this literal child need to “improve” about himself to make friends with Noctis?  Well...the episode focuses on this in a way I would almost argue is objectifying.  We see in excruciating detail how this literal child (I feel the need to mention again that Prompto is 12 years old and doesn’t seem to have consistent parents) approaches the world with a black-and-white mentality….that is, he seems to focus exclusively on eating salads and running an excessive amount (we’ll get to this more in Part 3).  Further objectification occurs when we are shown repeatedly that a minor is taking “progress shots” of himself in his underwear.  

A bit of a tangent, but the way that last one is drawn...y’all did remember Prompto was 14/15 at that time, right?  Extra H points for Square, right there.

So yeah, once all of this happens, Prompto is finally deemed by the narrative to be acceptable enough to enter the life of a prince.  Basically, if you’re fat, get a goddamn eating disorder and you can be a protagonist!

And I’m actually gonna take a second right now to address the more common, and generous, interpretation/criticism I am anticipating.  I know what SE was trying to do here.  They were trying to show us that Prompto’s “self-esteem” was the problem.  That he needed to gain more confidence, and losing the weight didn’t actually solve that problem.  I know this is the intent because the hotel scene exists.  But...answer me this.  Why is losing weight treated as an analogue for Prompto’s internal character growth?  Why is losing weight an analogue for literally anything?  If the issue was Prompto’s insecurity and shyness, there are a dozen other ways to show that. I can think of one right now: maybe have Noctis try to make friends and Prompto runs away because he gets nervous and tongue-tied and that’s the source of their lingering awkwardness.  There you go, much better episode.

Part 2: Noctis is a dick

And I say this as a Noct stan.  Y’all know I love him.  With all my heart, I do.  But...I don’t think he starts the game as a good person, in this respect at least.  I do think he becomes one.  And I think that his growth and maturation over the course of the game is absolutely a treat to watch.  

I’m gonna immediately qualify this by saying I do not think Noct is a dick on purpose.  Noctis is, in fact, unfailingly kind in most situations and this is one of his greater strengths.  I just think he is just as much a victim of internalized fatphobia as Prompto is, despite not having the experience of being fat.  I think two things contribute to this: biases that went unchecked by any of his caretakers, and genuine social difficulty brought about by his upbringing.

But now it’s time to get to….the incident.  The reason these two know each other.  After Prompto takes care of Pryna, she runs to deliver her letter to Noctis and eventually returns to Luna, as was her original mission.  Luna, noticing Prompto’s name on a bandana tied around Pryna’s leg, tasks Gentiana to help her find this kind soul so she can thank him.  Luna does, and Prompto receives a letter that soon becomes his prized possession.  The princess operated on the assumption that Prompto and Noctis were friends, seeing as Prompto encountered Pryna, and asked that he remain “ever at [Noctis’] side.”  Prompto takes these words to heart, and resolves to introduce himself to his royal classmate.

Here’s where the problems begin.  We know that Prompto is shy because we have seen him before.  He kinda kept to himself, away from the other kids, content to take his pictures.  To Square’s credit, I was really expecting Prompto to be a target of bullying because of his weight and he wasn’t….yet.  This actually makes his interaction with Noctis a lot worse, however.  We all know what happens next: Prompto does try to introduce himself to the loner prince (who, by his own admission later, was also kinda shy), and he happens to trip.  Noct goes to help him out because he’s kind at heart, and a confused Prompto thinks that Noctis means that he wants to see the camera.  Noct is baffled and says something along the lines of “I meant you, dummy!” and goes to help Prompto up. 

Honestly, end the scene here.  They become friends because Noct is unexpectedly kind to someone he didn’t even know, and that sticks with Prompto, and they’re childhood best friends. Right?  RIGHT?

If Square had had a modicum of decency, yes, this would have been how the scene closed.  But then Noct had to open his fucking mouth.  When trying to help Prompto up, he remarks that the poor boy is “heavy,” something that quickly and immediately impacts Prompto.  Noct, also being 12, seems none the wiser and jovially heads off to meet Ignis.  But Prompto?  Prompto is….affected by this.  He decides then and there that he has to not be heavy anymore if he wants to be Noct’s friend.   

“But Haley!” I can hear y’all saying, “Isn’t it Prompto’s fault for internalizing a harmless comment in such a way?  Why are you so angry at Noct because Prompto took it too seriously?”  Or alternatively “Noctis was also a child, he didn’t mean it!!”

Well, it’s all about how the narrative treats the situation.  I mentioned this before in Part 1, but the reason I’m mad at both Noctis and Square is because the narrative treats him as though he is in the right at all times.  If the issue really was with Prompto as a character, then we wouldn’t have been shown his journey in such excruciating detail.  We wouldn’t have been subjected to the downright harmful avenues he goes down in pursuit of this goal (see Part 3 for elaboration).  We would have just seen Prompto trying to work on becoming more outgoing--maybe talking to his neighbors more often, for example.  

One small scene in particular gets me here: we do see Noct return to the place where they met and he seems to be baffled by the fact that Prompto will not talk to him.  We in fact know this to be the case because in the hotel scene, Noct explicitly says Prompto “should have said something sooner” in terms of starting their friendship.  Now, this pisses me off for two reasons:

That this wasn’t addressed in Brotherhood itself.  We see that Noct kinda wants to approach Prom again but doesn’t seem to know how.  If we are assuming he messed up on accident, this would have been a great time for Ignis to tell him so, maybe motivate Noct to apologize.

That Prompto doesn’t immediately call Noct out for this line, or say something along the lines of “Well you kinda straight up insulted me when we first met.”

So, because neither of these scenarios is the case, I have to assume that Square wants us to think that Noct was correct to insult Prompto, and that him losing the weight is a good thing, in a narrative sense.  

Finally, it’s straight up out-of-character for Noct to be this way.  Not the misspeaking part, that is perfectly in-character.  It’s the fact that this bias of his goes unchecked by Ignis or Gladio, and he is never made to apologize for hurting another person’s feelings.  Part of growing up is realizing that sometimes your actions can hurt other people, even if you don’t intend for them to.  The fact that the intent wasn’t there doesn’t mean the hurt wasn’t real.  Since Square is so convinced that Noct needed to “mature” in this story...I am immensely disappointed that the opportunity wasn’t taken here for him to learn.  And even more disappointed because I am pretty sure this is intentional.  Every single one of Square’s fat characters is used as a side character or comic relief.  In order for Prompto to be a protagonist, he had to lose weight, and to have Noctis--the central protagonist--be the character to directly motivate that is a slap in the face.

Part 3: Don’t Recover, Buddy!/ It’s actually good that you have “obesophobia”

So I know I put the trigger warning at the top of this, but I’m doing it again, because now I’m gonna talk about eating disorders.  So this is your last chance to back out if that stuff is legitimately triggering, which I understand.

I’m gonna say it right now: Prompto has anorexia

[several people are typing…. .jpg]

I don’t think this is subtle, and I do think this is intentional, so let me break it down.  Prompto exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and yes I am speaking from personal experience.  He’s exhibited all of these from the moment Noct made that comment when they were kids, and, notably, only from that point on (hence why I wrote Part 2 the way that I did):

Prompto has an obsession with fixing meals.  He’ll be the one that helps Ignis the most often.  In Prompto’s case, this is a sign that he loves preparing the food, not so much partaking: classic hiding of symptoms.  There is also the fact that most of the salads are his favorite meals, which yes, is a deliberate callback, but I don’t think it’s a good one.

Prompto runs a genuinely stupid amount.  I think that exercise is well and good--I’m something of an exercise buff myself--but it’s the way that Prompto does it, to the point of exhaustion, that is a problem.

Despite being borderline underweight, Prompto legitimately still seems to think that he is still fat.  This is supported by his reactions to multiple dialogues, which I’ll get to in a second, and the “obesophobia” thing on his character profile which….yeah I shouldn’t even have to explain that one.  Prompto is legitimately afraid that he will gain weight--specifically, that he will be fat again.

The fact that according to that same profile, Prompto’s photography habit started when he took progress photos of himself!! So he’s also got some legit body dysmorphia going on.

These are the ones that are most obvious to me, anyway.  

“Now okay, Haley,” y’all are furiously typing, “so what that Prompto has anorexia?  That’s a relatable character flaw!”

Well….one, no it isn’t.  A disorder of any kind is not a character flaw.  I’d be willing to let that slide if the following were not also true: other characters seem to reinforce these behaviors of Prompto’s, and I am looking directly at Ignis and Noct.  Let’s start with Ignis.  I’m sure we have all gotten the random dialogue of

Prompto: All right, let’s hit up the Crow’s Nest! Ignis, for no fucking reason: If you wish to put on weight?  Certainly. Prompto, defeated: Yeah, I know…

Every time I get this dialogue I want to yell and also want the option to kick Ignis out of the party.  Also the fact that no one steps up on Prompto’s behalf (notably, you know, his goddamn best friend!!) is a bit of an Issue too.  Another one involves Ignis, but I have only gotten it once, so I can’t remember it exactly, but Ignis says something to the effect that he can make “whatever [Prompto] wants” for dinner and Prompto says “Yeah, it’s the wanting that’s the problem.”  That’s...that’s horrifying and y’all should be concerned for your friend.

To turn my attention back to Noct, objectively the most important person to Prompto, we need go no further than “Why is your face so fat?” in selfies.  

This one legitimately made me mad.  Prompto panics and retaliates with “What?? I’m not fat!!” (notably, he said “I” and not “my face,” which is a bit of a slip), and Noctis is supposed to be his best friend.  I was somewhat okay with Noct being passive in the earlier incidents, because maybe he wanted to spare Prompto the group drama that would ensue, but Noct directly engaging in it actively pissed me off.  I also want to say this isn’t me bashing on the characters in the slightest, I am simply calling attention to the way they are written.  Because they are not called out by anyone else, because this behavior is treated as acceptable, I have to assume the narrative wants me to agree with them.

The only conclusion I can gather from this is that not only are the bros aware of Prompto’s disorder, but they actively encourage it.  Which would only further Prompto’s assumption that they only will love and accept him if he looks a certain way.  No wonder the poor kid was so freaked out about his barcode!

Part 4: This shit is triggering to players

The subtitle for this section should be “Haley talks about how deeply “Dogged Runner” affected her in a PTSD kind of way” because that’s what I’m going to be doing.  Second trigger warning for eating disorders and weight talk, because that’s what this is gonna be.  This also is not going to be nice.  I have strong language for Square:

Here’s where I come clean about why this issue matters so fucking much to me, and why I am now freely and openly saying “fuck you” to Square every chance I get.  When I first saw Brotherhood, I was at a stage in my life where I was not coping well with my body image.  I had my first brush with anorexia in high school, but it was coming back because I was in a new place, and I felt like that was the only thing in my life that I could control.  So I had been eating less and falling back into the habit, except...this time I had my support system.  So I thought.  I went into the anime wanting to learn more about the characters I had come to love, and I walked out of it thoroughly triggered and horrified that Square would stoop to such shoddy, lazy, and harmful storytelling.  

I had...a moment, here.  I won’t detail the breakdown too much but I was genuinely not okay.  To see behaviors that I had ferociously clawed my way out of, and was violently resisting once more, portrayed not only as not unhealthy, but as desirable for people like me...it genuinely felt personal.  And, I imagine I wasn’t the only player who felt that way.  In fact, because I have talked to other people like me, I know this is the case.

Let me take you on a trip, for a moment.  Humor me.  Imagine you’re in your early 20s, and you’ve put a lot of ugly, horrible coping methods behind you.  Imagine your best friend in the entire world, @nonbinary-recipehs​, recommends this game they are playing, and you play it together and start to consume its media.  Imagine the horror and dread that settles on the both of you watching this episode, which rings so similarly to the times you passed out from lack of food, from over-exercising, from over-straining yourself to be this idealized version of thinness.  Imagine seeing that the outcome of this episode isn’t Prompto getting the support he needs from his friends, but that the narrative legitimizes his suffering. In fact, this brutal suffering and rapid loss of weight was necessary to justify this character’s relevance to the narrative! Imagine how that must make you feel.  Maybe those coping methods that were so horrible actually weren’t.  It worked for Prompto, maybe it’ll work for you!!

Perhaps that little thought experiment will help you understand what this whole situation can feel like to players like me, to people who have struggled with internalized fatphobia and with eating disorders, who have been called heavy, who have been made to feel as though their worth is in their thinness.  Fuck you, Square.  Fuck you for not having an ounce of consideration for how this might possibly look.  Fuck you for not considering people like me as complete people.  Fuck you for making me watch a character I love suffer, not to tragedy, but to an illness that could have been avoided if anyone had shown him even an ounce of respect or care or decency or decorum--

…

I did warn y’all I was angry, this time.

Part 5: Two Alternative Scenarios that would Avoid All This

“So Haley,” you’re saying, somehow having read past the rant in the previous section, “if Square did it so horribly, how would you have done it?”

That, my dear reader, is an excellent question.  In fact, I’ve got two solutions, which I will explain and elaborate upon below:

The first is rather simple: Prompto doesn’t actually lose the weight and becomes a canonical fat character.  Absolutely nothing else would change about the story or Prompto’s character except for the following:

Noctis would become curious as to why this new friend of his was avoiding him.  He then has the opportunity to open up to Ignis or Gladio and reflect on what he said, and realize that he actually hurt Prompto’s feelings.  This motivates him to apologize, and the two become Actual Childhood Friends.

Prompto just Has This Body Type Now and nobody says dick about it, that’s just the Way He Looks

You could explore internalized fatphobia I suppose but I don’t actually trust Square to do this sensitively.  You know who I do trust? Liam ( @chubbyargentum ), who writes the Nighttime Sunshine AU and fic.  

All of the previously mentioned fatphobic comments are completely removed because all the bros love and support him.

Prompto isn’t the comic relief because of his size, he just happens to be both.  Yes, there is a difference, and no, I am not going to derail the essay by explaining that.

Prompto would still absolutely kick ass, take names, shoot people, love chocobos...all the shit he does in canon.  But now, you have a character who didn’t have to be completely humiliated to get to this point.  Now you just...have a guy who happens to be friends with the prince, because he is kind and caring. 

But okay, let’s take another approach.  Let’s say Prompto does still lose weight. How, then, do we accomplish this without being fatphobic or debasing Prompto’s character like canon did?  

That leads me to solution 2: Prompto does lose weight, but it’s incidental.  Let me explain what I mean here:

Let’s have a situation in which the apology does still happen as I outlined in the first solution.  Childhood friends is a thing.

As such, Prompto becomes...increasingly curious at all the cool training Noct does.

Noct is….embarrassed about this, I think. Because Prompto doesn’t like Understand What It All Means...and they’re still pretty young.  Noct doesn’t want him to understand.

But Prompto?  He wants to be able to Do Cool Shit, especially if it means defending his best bro who also happens to be the prince.  And he doesn’t want Noct to do any of this alone.  He asks to train with Noct, no special treatment (except for like the fact that he legit can’t do magic).

Gladio...allows this, begrudgingly.  Then, permanently, when he notices Noct tries harder as a result of showing off.

Prompto starts to learn how to take care of himself from Gladio, and from Ignis, who has...gathered that Prompto doesn’t exactly have parents, and becomes invested in helping him learn how to cook healthy meals for himself.  Who knows?  Maybe the healthy eating will rub off on Noct!

The result is that, over time, Prompto does lose some weight...and starts to bulk up as Puberty Happens.  However.  This is all incidental.  Prompto never set out to lose weight because he hated himself or felt unworthy, like in canon.  He set out to become strong and train with his best bro.  This is absolutely critical. 

With this solution, Prompto does lose weight, but doesn’t become the borderline underweight young man with an eating disorder we all know and love.  Instead, he’s been brought up around healthier traditions, which makes him immensely more suited for the role of Crownsguard when that time comes.  In fact, he might have entered it at age 18 just like Gladio and Ignis did, despite Noct’s protests.  Another thing I like about this solution is that it shows how Prompto is friends with Ignis and Gladio; how those relationships developed independently of Noctis, and why these four really are the family unit the game wants me to think they are.

And with these two solutions, I believe I have laid out some much stronger backstories for our beloved boy that avoid all of the...unfortunate implications of his canon backstory.  I only wish that Square had thought about their implications just a little bit more, and done Prompto some true justice.

Part 6: What motivated this essay, and the power of shared experience

This isn’t really a proper conclusion, that’ll be in TL;DR, but I would be remiss to not include what actually motivated me to write this massive essay, and also share it with all of you.  The sharing part, I think, is super critical.  When you inhabit marginalized identities, and in this case I specifically mean having a fat body, it can be...difficult to share and discuss your experiences.  Harder, still, to be public about them, and to criticize media that perpetuates these harmful ideas.  But here I am, doing that.  Here’s why that is.

About a month ago, I met @chubbyargentum, who is called Liam.  I was cruising through the promptis tag, as you do, and found his Nighttime Sunshine AU, and his blog is filled with excellent art for it as well. The premise of this AU, on its face, is very simple: it’s a story where Prompto and Noctis did not actually become friends in high school, and two very important things are different: Prompto is still fat, and Noctis is a closeted trans man.  While I can’t speak to the trans experience, I can indeed speak to the experience of inhabiting a fat body.  And this AU….spoke to me.  I don’t want to spoil too much but there is a rather emotional scene that just...confronts everything I wanted Square to confront about this that they never did.  He approaches the topic with so much sensitivity and nuance, something that is so rarely seen in fandom. 

I’ve talked with Liam every day since, and my brain has consistently been enlarged.  A lot of things I let slide before...felt so egregious to me that I had to say them.  I’ve been confronting my own internalized prejudices towards certain kinds of bodies all the time, and I am learning every day.  He’s become a very dear friend of mine, and I care deeply about him.

This also came at I guess you could say the “first climax” of my journey with weight loss, which I had never had success with despite the trauma I described in Part 4.  I’ve lost...a significant amount of weight since March, and I think the reason I’ve had so much success is 1) the support of my friends (notably @nonbinary-recipehs, @pocket-prompto, and @chubbyargentum), and 2) not feeling like I hated myself anymore.  I approached it as a journey to become more strong, not less fat.  As I outlined in Part 4...Prompto’s Brotherhood episode and character backstory were and are legitimately triggering to me, and, I imagine, to many others.  Liam had the confidence to put the content in the world that he wished to see, and this essay is helping me do the same.  

Having other people who share your marginalized experiences and validate them...well, I’m sure many of you know.  It’s a feeling like no other.  And I’ve never really had this feeling explicitly about the experience of being fat until now.  Now, I understand that my anger is in fact, righteous.  And I am not afraid to say so.  The power of shared experience motivated this essay and, in fact, everything that I do on this blog.  I have come away from this AU with the bravery to say aloud what I have always known to be true.   

So thank you, Liam.  Thank you, big brain group.  And thank you, readers, for listening to an experience that may or may not mirror your own, and for opening up your heart enough to hear the roughly 5000 words before this point.  Thank you for making the effort to understand, and the effort to learn and grow.

TL;DR

I did promise to provide an easily digestible version of the…(checks word count) ~5000 words before this point, so here we go.  The central thesis of this essay is something like “the way Prompto’s weight loss arc was portrayed in Brotherhood is horrendously fatphobic for a number of reasons.”  I then broke it down into six major pieces: the first four being the fact that weight loss is treated as moral by the narrative, the uncharacteristically dickish actions of Noctis, the fact that Prompto’s disorder is encouraged by other characters, and the out-of-universe triggering effects the story has.  In the fifth piece, I outlined two alternative scenarios: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight at all and remains fat, and one where he does lose weight but healthily so and fleshes out his character.  In the final piece, I explained the motivation behind writing this essay, namely interacting with other fat fans like @chubbyargentum.  I explained all of these points in great detail, being careful to stress that my issue with this isn’t any of the individual characters, but the bias that motivates the writing.

So...what now?  Well, I’m not really sure.  But this was something I really had to put into the world.  I think it is important and necessary to speak up and criticize media that harms you.  And you know what?  Final Fantasy XV is still my favorite game.  It is because I love it so much that I was motivated to write this, and by sharing it, I hope to contribute to a greater discussion about fatphobia in gaming, and in life.

[la5t-res0rt]

i was just sent a post from the blog who must not be named it was a post reblogged from someone who ive added to my list of really bad people but one of the things that struck me was a tag i saw in the post

antis seek therapy

we do

we do seek therapy often to combat the trauma some of us have endured through being groomed and being abused we spend time on ourselves to heal we find ways to cope and enjoy life again after it feels like parts of ourselves have been ripped from us and broken and tainted and violated

we work to be comfortable again we work to feel like ourselves again we find things we love again we allow ourselves to enjoy media again

we are taught to stand up for our own levels of comfort and to take control of the space around us we are taught mechanisms to move forward and we are encouraged to help others and support others at least thats what my therapist of multiple decades told me

we all seek shelter in our own ways and many people seek it in media its literally what so many beetlebabes shippers claim to be doing like they’re quote reclaiming some lost childhood thing unquote and yeah i think youre going about it in a terrible way that continues the cycle of pedophila and is normalizing it but thats not even what this is about right now this is about the blatant disrespect and inability to open your eyes to someone elses experience and story

so many antis are so uncomfortable with the content created by beetlebabe shippers myself included since its so similar to the material used to character veil up abuse me character veil down

we try to curate our spaces for that we say beetlebabes dni dont reblog dont put yourself in this space im making for myself but then people come in and call it gatekeeping and try to illustrate how someone is a bad person for not wanting exposure so pedophilic content like its absolutely baffling to me that people can state such a clear and simple rule and then people will whine and moan about it as if its oppression newsflash its not fucking oppression you whining slime mold being asked to not interact on the ground of pedophilia isnt fucking oppression read a book go outside and learn something anyway

people are entitled to have control over the space in which they occupy people have the control to remove people from their spaces its like ok weird metaphor but this whole ordeal with wearing masks in public spaces yes you may have the right to refuse to wear a mask and you have the right technically to harass service industry workers but the businesses that employ these workers also have the full right to not allow you in and to even remove you from the property free speech also comes with consequences this is such a simple principle like talk shit get hit metaphorically is basically the same principle

coming into someones space after they specified that that your content is something that makes them uncomfortable makes you a major asshole and also makes me think youre dumb and maybe cant read

all of that is bad enough

but to continuously berate someone and belittle their very real trauma all in the sake of you wanting to ship and post pedophilia is simply abhorrent it is truly vile behavior to come back multiple times is truly a disdainful act in my eyes and im sure im not the first person to feel this way

if youre close to people in the field of psychiatric medicine you should know better than to belittle someones trauma and as a csa survivor yourself you should have the compassion to respect someones boundaries

have you discussed this behavior with this psychiatrist husband of yours not the pedophilic stuff but this blatant disrespect and dismissal of someone elses trauma and the growth theyve achieved thanks to their therapy and counseling have you addressed this narcissistic holier than thou approach you have to discussing such serious issues with people because thats something that should be addressed along with your acceptance and tolerance and even romanticization of pedophilia in media

this is harassment and gaslighting in action folks nether receipts I hope youre taking notes because you clearly dont know what either term means and the fact that youve gone out of your way to promote this abusive behavior is yet another reason why people dislike you i can’t tag you because youve finally taken the hint and blocked me so I see no point but you know who you are also people don’t hate you because youre a woman they hate you because youre a pedophile anyway this isnt about you

back to the person im actually addressing

trauma is not an experience that is easy to read and apply to every person you yourself sourced years of trying to deal with what you went through who are you to dictate how long someone can feel pain for what theyve gone through who are you exactly to say whether or not if has been too long of a time for someones trauma to effect them you of all people should know that this shit doesnt go away it lingers and it grips you forever it doesnt matter if you’ve been apart from it for ten days or ten years

in one sentence you belittled a person for still being effected by their trauma and then in the next stated that the battle is life long which is it which statement do you actually beleive because it seems to me you only seem to care about your own horrible self without taking this other person into account at all because their response to their trauma was to break the cycle and work to make his space safer for himself and i beleive that takes more courage and more strength to actively oppose what hurt you rather than let it become how you cope and it becomes something you reintroduce into the cycle by keeping the its all okay attitude alive

i do not usually do direct posts its not exactly my style but i am so disgusted by what i have seen and what has been shared with me that it would be a disservice to not alert as many people as i can about your behavior

for a closing statement i will quote you

quote i hope you find your way to it instead of wasting all of your time being afraid of pictures and words on a screen, and picking fights with people who harm nobody unquote

what the fuck so you think youre doing by coming back over and over to belittle trauma denounce treatment and all around be unpleasant and high and mighty thats fucking harming people you narcissistic fool

im sorry you were hurt that fucking sucks but that doesnt give your the right for one fucking second to come into someones space where it was specified that you were not allowed and proceed to harass them and belittle them like you have done

@soeur-tiame you should be ashamed of yourself

dont bother responding as ive shown before with that transmed guy i dont like to waste any more of my time on filth than i need to

[saintwilllem]

from my first reading of the chapter , the sand glass world as always been about time and memories and on so the effects of that.  take the title and you’ll see that a sand glass is another word for a hour glass and such measures time, but the issue with this device is that you can feel as though your looping time in that you take the same thing and just keep flipping it over for more time.  the sand has no markers that makes any different then anything before or after it unlike a clock on which you see active measures of time .  therefore if we place our main character into the sandglass we are now playing with his state of mind  ( measured by memories and time )  because he cannot escape .   the first panel we see is the main character amongst discarded mannequins and barren trees. its a loss of life but coming off him is a balloon of a star , and he wears a party hat.  to me the star is his north star / guiding  star, the party hat is a reminder of him going wild and stating  a lack of self care.  

it is after this we meet the masked woman for the first time.  having the woman masked makes her seem like wraith  ,  an unknown but also something that should be known known.  when she takes the main character into her arms, he seems at ease until she drops her blood in to his eyes and throws him back to his supposed really world because what the blood acts to be is a association to something that he has witnessed but turned a blind eye to until it is forced back into his sight. 

now he wakes up in this “ real world “ and looks around dazed and things look normal but we find out soon enough that they aren’t as he has been taking drugs with introduction of the third character who i am naming lucidity , this mean clearness and inside of the context of the story the drive to do better. and so this character and the main character are inverses or opposites of each other and  you cannot live with one or the other.  if you keep going to the dream like state you will die , if you stay to lucid and never enjoy anything then you will also die.  i am going to argue that even without the mention of drugs the partying that the main character is doing is more so running away instead of dealing and healing and  their first conversation cements this idea and it goes like this  :

 the main character asks life how did you find me here ? , he replies “ there is no were you can hide or run from me , “ it then goes to life saying something amongst the lines of “ did you leave the house because didn't want to clean you crazy fool ?"  to which the main character replies “ if it freaks you out so much why don’t you just die . “ 

now let’s break this down this conversation.  you will always come back to lucidity after being drugged and therefore you cannot run away from it. the house and cleaning it up are more so cleaning yourself up because if we take a look at this whole chapter there is a trauma and instead of dealing with the trauma and cleaning the effects of it the main character keeps running away, and in response  he is telling his lucidity that if how he is behaving  is making him feel so uncomfortable then he should just end their life because that would put. pause to the guilt and regret lucidity faces for the main character not being able to deal and going on to drugs.  

the roommate / lucidity then smacks the main character across the face.  what this symbolized  is both self-loathing but also the push to wake up depending how you see the relationship between them, which to me is never one thing because this is a whole drive to get to the bottom of the trauma and the memories the main character is trying to hide.  the comment after the smacking in which he tells the main character i told you not to do drugs your eyes are deteriorating  harkens back to the blood that he dreamt was dipped into them.  this is a call that the main character ‘s eyes are what beheld the trauma and not some other part. 

main character is told to crawl out like the animal he is ( a self- loathing reaction ) and that they should leave and as they do we are thrown into a desert and that is the sandglass sand. that plays into the idea that this time keeps looping and they keep having iterations of these actions  because he still has not defined nor dealt with the masked woman.  while the roommate is able to find water from some place as a form to draw something out of the main character. as water and desert don’t go together. they are contrasts and one lives outside of the other . 

the idea of camels and the use of them is fun because camels carry their own water inside themselves for a good while, this is a joke on the fact that the main character has no self care and he is being scoffed at by the roommate. it is as thought he thought of buying the camels is like a lie because the camel will never get what it needs because it will be forced away from its self and reason .  i think thats why we have the leap into the the main character not noticing  the rain around them.  rain to me in this context is a release . the phrase i think its going to rain to the reply it has been raining to be exemplifies either the main character is cracking and this is everything inside of him coming out , or the rain is something of judgment call.  because at that moment his nose starts to bleed again and the masked woman returns .  the bleeding of the nose is a contrast  against the rain because rain means cleansing to some ,   here its opening everything of him up and taking payment out of blood because blood is everything that makes a person , while the rain is the emotional body of the characters the blood is the physical . and  to say that it has been raining is also to say that he has been starting to feel and its flooding.  

also the  fact that the masked woman and therefore his trauma is the very thing that sheldis him from the rain is like a barrier between emotions and trauma , like masking the woman and taking the drugs did the same.  he has to dive into the water and unmask her to really start to feel at peace because healing is allowing things to take their course rather then masking them.  the throw of them into the water demands the main character to fall back and feel .  the waltz is the push and pull he has to go through to make sense of everything he’s hidden from . 

the woman goes on to ask him if he is sick of it because she is ,  and you know this is a memory of something that has happened   because it something looking back at him but also a judgement of something he did not cater to . she  asks him to remember how they made a bet when they were younger and how the one who loved the longest had to give the other a wish ,   and she says she thought she was losing ( that she was loving him for longer) but that isn’t the case anymore because she is gone and she’s been haunting him . where she thought he was moving on and leaving her before her death she took over him now by slitting her wrists and dying . 

if we harken back to the earlier image with the drops going into his eyes we now know that is the image of her bloody and dying that sank into his eyes and haunts and follows him.  and after that he reels back to being the car seated with his roommate wholly uneasy and he doesn’t want the roommate to look at him because he has been exposed. he has no wear to hide.

the ending panels therefore become a thing of history and trauma both overlapping over each other and how you want to forget the one by making it stuffed with everything that was around it. but it always floats back up when you lease expect it.   a paraphrase of what is said near the end  is the enthusiasm that i blindly pursed the endless joy the usual memories , they endlessly repeat ........... knowing that the ground underneath me was crumbling.  is that he keeps linger on the more pleasent  memories and feelings trying to survive on high instead of fixing the ground before it ruins him .   

now i know this is long but hear me out on this second part tying this into the story by way of the  summary of the story which is as follows : Seoha, an abandoned child, whose relatives gave up on him after he lost his family. An uncle who is unable to forget his wife and their unborn child. Their growth as the two of them wander through the snowy winter.  therefore  makes this the uncle’s story and sticks to the means of memories / trauma but firstly the main character is the uncle ,  the roommate the son he lost , and the woman his wife.  he cant forget about them and so he starts to do things that allow him to  hide in  loops of memories that erase what his wife ended up doing  we can argue if it was self abuse or a suicide but i lean more to the latter as the trauma and blame of that can be grater then the former.  the question then becomes  was he unfaithful because the wife says i thought i was losing and that i loved you longer than you loved me but it looks like i won at the end and she was free of her love of him , but he couldn’t be free of her in any way. now the unborn son is the roommate on pretense of the live he gave the roommate . the roommate is well rounded , he watches after his father but is also his judgment call.   as though he comes as though something that couldn’t because of the father and so he is also his rage and that rage / son lashes back at him by hitting back at him for his life that was taken, by making him remember him and his mom as at one point the comic he is called a bastard by the main character / uncle / father. 

the whole chapter takes place in a dreamscape in which you are forced to meet what you hide , deal with what is owed ,  and see things that were and how you feel. its such a simple but profound chapter and i cant wait to read more. 

i am gonna end this here but please send me questions / comments / arguments everything and anything. 

[sunnibrownink]

not so sure

I am not so sure, right now, about this Zen thing. In fact, I have aroused suspicions and feel skeptical, quite side-eyed, at this stage in my practice. My newfound doubt didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s directly related to freshly dug earth roiling through my psyche, a necessary but unpleasant healing season that only recently became available. This rich emotional processing was utterly unexpected but I’m discerning what’s needed to support its cycling through and this knowledge has suddenly made me leery of Zen, an odd experience since the practice has been a refuge over the last 13 years. But I’m leery these days because my healing process is colliding unhealthily and directly with a core Zen practice, that of abandoning fixed views.

 You see, Zen teaches the human mammal to methodically unearth and examine fixed views. It trains us to develop the ability to hold all views lightly, to become facile at surrendering points of view when they cause unnecessary suffering. This is an exquisite skill to have and I’m grateful for it. That said, in this particular phase of my recovery, the practice of relinquishing fixed views has become riddled with problems. The fact is that mammalian bodies have static and fixed views for exceptionally good reasons, and these reasons are worthy of respect. There are numerous instances in which fixed views should be embraced, even cherished, rather than challenged. I won’t belabor the first and most obvious reason which is, of course, survival of the body. Most of us hope to delay our physical death, and to do that we need to tacitly hold on to our perceptual equipment. We need to cling to those sensory systems that give us a fixed view of stairs, for example, expressly so we don’t topple down them. The Tathāgata would hardly fault a student for being uneager to separate from the very skandhas[1] that make her navigation of the material world possible. I also doubt he would expect students to legitimately divest in the machinations of biological life itself: the production and maintenance of our organ cells, for example, or the reliable engine-beat of our hearts. I do believe that the Buddha, as an accomplished inner scientist, did relinquish tethers to the operations of his own physical body in an absolute willingness to let it drop, to die, but I think he knew that truly dropping the body would be an enormous ask for a typical person and so would have regularly ceded us the comfort of clinging to our organic activities. Point being that I’m not suspicious of Zen for inviting students to practice detachment from the body as I don’t imagine that most students, until we’re in the late-stage dying process, would be confronted and therefore rattled by that request.[2] We’re unlikely to be undone by the treacheries of death meditations[3], so I don’t perceive working to let go of the longings of the body as dangerous per se. What I am experiencing as dangerous are attempts to relinquish fixed views in the emotional and psychological landscapes. Currently in full-body contact with my own tragic history, it’s very clear to me that there are times in the lifespan of a human being when we can and damn well should cling to a perspective—even if that perspective is uncharitable, even if it is skewed, even if that perspective can cause someone else profound, unnecessary suffering. Let me explain.

I came to my first zendo bleary and shattered, a feral adult-child washed ashore after decades of psychological, and often physical, torment. In the zendo, I sat in earnest with the awful texture of that experience and held my seat courageously, almost nobly, refusing to give up on myself. I wanted to see the contents of my mind no matter how ugly or painful, and I wanted to liberate as much of it as I could. I was willing to inquire into any and all of my views on reality so I could stop habitually living them out, thrusting them onto the world without seeing, hurting myself and others. After years of devoted practice and countless fruits from it, I’m now facing a different practice, one in which I do not become disloyal to my thoughts and perspectives but instead I stake them into the deepest and hardest of ground. I declare the absolute incontestability of their existence, without regard for any other actor and without apology for my egoic and binary thinking. I’ve realized in short order that survivors of brutality, torture, manipulation, neglect, and abuse should not be in the immediate business of challenging or relinquishing the points of view of any part of us that bore witness to our trauma. If you’ve been gaslighted for decades, if the truth about what you’ve experienced has been disconfirmed, obfuscated, denied, or distorted throughout the course of your life, you do not need to practice disbelieving your own story. You do not need to drop the narrative. Those of us who’ve endured these kinds of experiences already struggle acutely to have our realities come into focus. A clear view of events is desperately hard won. It takes us years, sometimes decades, to swim out of the murky waters, look back at our early life, and identify and vocalize our version of events. Many of us were children when the trouble began. Many of us were loyal to our predators because we were dependent on them. Most of us felt instinctively, at a primal level, that something in our environments was amiss but we didn’t have words for it. We didn’t know what “normal” was supposed to be. We only knew something important was being lost. Sadly, we couldn’t name it.

My work these days is to fully believe my story. To finally declare that my observations were spot-on, that the awful experience was real, and my knowledge of it accurate and true. I don’t need to doubt my point of view, second-guess myself, or hold my perspective lightly. I don’t need to soften my anger by lingering on causes and conditions. I do not need to examine my expectations around parenting, wondering if they were too high. I do not need to practice compassion for the family abuser or attempt to see the world from her eyes. What I need to do is stand on the ground of my fixed view of pathological behavior. I need to have unshakable faith in my insight into what happened—to me and my father and my siblings. I will continue to be a dedicated Zen student, but at this time of healing, I will not ask what pieces of my self-centered dream to let go of. Instead, I will let those pieces reveal themselves and when they do, I will hold them tightly so they can finally be witnessed by someone who loves them and believes them. Even if every single thing I experience in meditation is a projection of my own mind, I will cling to parts of that projection like I would cling to a tree in a hurricane. Doing anything otherwise—at this stage in the process—would re-injure me. This would be not only irresponsible but cruel, a form of unwholesome self-abandonment. For now, I will let my story be immobile. I will let my view, as partial as it is, become fixed, solid, permanent, hideous and real. I hope one day to be able to hold it lightly, but I’m not urging that day forward. I won’t step into that kind of groundlessness until my system is ready for it, genuinely able to welcome the transformation forgiveness and aperspectivity can offer. That gift may never come to me in this lifetime. Until it does, however, I will drop none of my thoughts on this matter. I will witness them, cling to them, hold them near. I will believe my story.

__________________________________________

[1] Sanskrit: aggregates or heaps: 1. Form: the physical body. 2. Feeling: the sensations in the body. 3. Perception: the sense organs and the models of objects they provide. 4. Mental formations: concepts and thoughts, abstractions. 5. Consciousness: awareness of the composites of the other skandhas.

[2] Although I think there must be a serious psychological problem with detaching from the body as well. Sexually abused or physically violated human beings, many of whom have already learned to disassociate from the body as an act of survival, surely need to practice coming home to the body, not abandoning it again.

[3] Most students will go an entire life of practice without doing meditations on bodily death.

[nadziejastar]

Naminé: Some people think pain is something you can just wipe away–and sometimes, maybe, you can. But not all pain can be erased. The only way to deal with it is to accept it head-on. And if the hurt is too great for you to bear it alone–well, then you turn to a friend close to your heart.

Well, the whole point of the power of waking was supposed to be that it’s the most powerful form of healing that there is. It allows someone to spiritually heal from all the abuse they’ve suffered. That’s the only way to wake someone up from sleep. If they’ve gone through too much torment, they enter the Realm of Sleep and exist outside of time without any conscious awareness. They can’t cope with that much pain on their own. 

It wasn’t supposed to be about time travel or instantly bringing someone back from the dead. It was supposed to be about intimately connecting with a person’s heart and helping them overcome the intense pain that caused their psyche to fracture. It’s essentially a miraculous power that is akin to a near death experience. You see the light, feel the intense love that the person has for you, and are never quite the same afterwards. It transforms you from the inside out. That’s why Sora needed to acquire this ability and why it was so important to the story (originally).

Riku: You okay? Feeling all right?

Sora: Yeah, I’ve never been better. I was watching what was going on in my dream. And I could hear your voice the whole time. Thanks, Riku. Thanks, everybody!

Terra has been through similar abuse to Isa. When he was saved, he said the same thing Sora did after Riku used the power of waking on him. He heard Ven’s voice in his dream. Presumably, Terra also felt better than ever after he woke up. The problem was that KH3 eliminated the power of waking. We didn’t see Terra get healed. Ventus was supposed to dive into his heart, defeat the nightmares that were imprisoning him and guide him back into the light using the power of their hearts’ connection. 

All of Terra’s inner darkness—all of his shame, hatred, and despair would be confronted head-on, like Aqua’s was when her shadow was fought. KH3 was supposed to show that love has the power to heal the deepest wounds. And Ventus loved Terra like a brother. This would make it so that Terra wasn’t a broken person after he woke up. He’d always carry his past, but he’d essentially be the same guy as before and be able to live a normal and happy life.

"Their hurting will be mended when you return to end it."

The same would have been true for Isa. Saïx has two weapons that are shaped like a Reiki pose and a Reiki angel. Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.

The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words - Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy”. So Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.” A treatment feels like a wonderful glowing radiance that flows through and around you. Reiki treats the whole person including body, emotions, mind and spirit creating many beneficial effects that include relaxation and feelings of peace, security and well-being. Many have reported miraculous results.

Axel: Hey, Roxas. Bet you don't know why the sun sets red. You see, light is made up of lots of colors. And out of all those colors, red is the one that travels the farthest.

Reiki involves activating all of the chakras. There are 7 chakras with each one colored after the 7 colors of the rainbow. There are 7 Guardians of Light. That’s why the red sunset was so significant. Red light can penetrate the deepest darkness. Saïx’s weapon shaped like Reiki is named “Light Year”. And it’s part of Hazard Gear, which is the same as “The Sun” in Luxord’s deck. The other weapon “Luminary” is the same gear as “The Moon”. The Moon card represents fear, anxiety, and the subconscious.

The Sun card represents warmth, success, abundance, and radiance. Because of your own personal fulfillment, you provide others with inspiration and joy as well. You radiate love and affection towards those you care about the most. Both The Sun and The Moon are shaped like The 4 of Coins. This card can indicate that you are clinging to people, possessions, situations or past issues. You are trying to hold onto what you have and not let go. This interpretation can apply to not just physical things, but also emotional things like relationships. The whole idea was that Lea was supposed to heal Isa. And the strength of their bond was so great, it could even heal someone as messed up as him.

Sora: It'll bring us closer together; the hurt will only make us stronger.

“The Devil” is Rage Gear in Luxord’s deck and has a Recusant’s Sigil on it. Saïx’s weapon in this category is called “King of the Night”. It’s a reference to the Red King of alchemy. Queen of the Night is a white flower that blooms under a full moon. The Red King and White Queen are alchemical allegories, and their union represents the process of uniting opposites to create a greater, fully unified product of that union.

The Devil card represents your shadow side and the negative forces that constrain you and hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Feelings of entrapment, emptiness and lack of fulfillment in your life. The Ten of Coins deals with permanence and satisfaction. The card shows that everything you have put your efforts into for a long time will pay off in the future. Everything will work out well in the end, for you have always kept the long term picture in view, choosing to take no shortcuts. The path to get there has been filled with setbacks and challenges, making this point of the journey even sweeter. It’s the ultimate happy ending card.

“But I’ve heard him say fighting wasn’t his thing.” Roxas briefly pondered that and went on quietly, “I guess everyone in the Organization is good at different things.” That had to be true, Xion realized. They were all Nobodies, and yet, none of them were alike, not in appearance or personality.

“Right,” said Axel. “Everyone’s unique.”

“But how?” Xion wondered. “We’re Nobodies. Don’t you need a heart to be unique?”

“Oh, we have other things that set us apart. Like memories from before.”

I do think Isa was a gentle and kind person. I think his gentle personality is probably what got him turned into a vessel. It caused him to mentally break after being abused so badly. If he were to be revived, he’d have to confront all of the abuse he suffered. I think that would have played out while Lea used the power of waking on him. If Isa was restored post-KH3, I think he’d have the same overall personality as he did before his abuse, like Terra, Aqua, and Ven do. But all of that trauma would have to be dealt with.

Saïx didn’t understand that. Despite the lack of a heart, he could imagine what it was like to have emotional responses based on what he remembered from his human life. And he must be able to remember how much trouble it was.

And clearly there was a lot of trauma. There would be rage, despair, and probably jealousy due to the fact that Axel didn’t know that Isa was possessed and alienated Saïx in favor is Roxas and Xion. His heart would feel abandoned and hurt. I don’t think Saïx is a reflection of who Isa was at all and I feel bad that his character got treated with such little empathy or compassion by the story and most of the fandom. It always astounded me how so many fans treated Isa like he was simply a bad friend that Axel had a falling out with, instead of recognizing that he was possessed. 

“You made it back in one piece, didn’t you?”

Were you worried I wouldn’t? Axel almost said, but he didn’t want to deal with putting him in an even fouler mood. Disgust and rage seemed to linger closest to the surface of Saïx’s memories.

It was laughable that KH3 just tried to write him as a normal guy who was a maybe a wee bit on the callous side. And since he helped Roxas and Xion come back, everything was totally fine. Um, no. He was not normal in any way, shape, or form. You can’t make some Nobodies act like Luxord, Axel or Demyx, and then have Saïx act the way he does without giving an explanation. Especially since Isa was a normal kid. None of the other Organization members (besides Xemnas) acted psychotic or demonic like Saïx did. His Japanese title was “Demoniac Dancing in the Moon”. Isa was a rabbit and Saïx is a Werewolf. After he got Norted, Isa’s heart was devoured by Xehanort’s heart. And probably the Lich. 

Each Nobody gets their personality—their abilities—from their memories of their time as humans. What are abilities, anyway? I wonder why they occur. When I think about it, the existence of memory is what comes to mind. We are bound according to those memories, and so, we get our abilities according to memories. 

He didn’t need to atone. He needed to be saved and healed. It was never disclosed what Axel’s past was like, what his most precious memories were, or what was actually done to Isa to create so many awful memories. So I guess Square/Disney thought people would be too dumb to notice that Isa was a victim. He was one of the most tortured and abused characters in the series. It’s why Axel was always so patient and understanding towards him, despite his awful attitude. Axel knew that Isa’s memories were so bad, he became “twisted”.

He’d never deluded himself that tracking down Riku would be easy, and neither had Saïx. It was just that if he went back and reported that he couldn’t find anything, he would have to deal with those attempts at “personality”—the sneers, the snide remarks, the only trappings of human emotion that Saïx ever showed. Not that Saïx was even capable of annoyance or disappointment, of course, what with the lack of a heart and all.

Heading up the slope to the station, Axel bit into the ice cream bar. “This stuff is so salty,” he murmured to himself, as he often did.

I think it’s really sad that Lea will also never heal from his pain, since the root cause of it all was what happened to Isa. It seems like the fandom thought all of his pain was due to losing Roxas, which was simply not true. I think both Lea and Isa would always be affected by the abuse they’ve suffered, just like TAV. It’s likely that Lea would always be unwilling to talk about his past with anyone except Isa. And it’s probably the same with Isa. It would always stay with them. But I think they would have helped each other heal and live happy lives. Unfortunately, neither of them got to heal, and the story is just going to pretend their pain never existed in the first place.

[ephillipsresearch]

BLOC PROJETCS HARSH LIGHT- NOTES The concluding webinar of our December installment will welcome artists Verity Birt and Una Hamilton, and researcher Dr Edwin Coomasaru in conversation. Variously working on gender, British identity, folklore and the occult, the speakers will be reflecting on the “E” of ACE—Arts Council England—and that which constitutes “Englishness”. The conversation will self-reflexively think through these English textures and their adoption in sub cultural contexts, including white supremacist narratives of “blood and soil” nativism, as well as feminist and black metal re-inscriptions of a more ecologically entangled landscape.

Question – how the occult has shaped their respective ideas of myth landscape and English identity

Verity Birt - reading ridley walker- inspiration, novel written by russel hoborn, imagining post apocalyptic future in the dark ages, written in phonetic language, returning to an oral history- did a residency in Newcastle with newbridge project, running experimental workshops at prehistoric sites with a community choir – thinking about how features of the landscape impact improvisation – what can happen when you allow for more imaginative and experimental exchange with these sites installation at black tower projects mapped through memory, dream space, tracing the contour lines of the space, exploring the notion of giving/receiving from the landscape - ceramic offerings – recreated the channel in ceramic, vaginal shape references strong feminine energy- workshop not directly documented. – choreographed performances in space in the summer equinox 2019 performance looking at deep time/ fragments of lineages, evolution, how they are continued and transmitted, questioning enlightenment, theory of time as progress – battersea pleasure gardens – live improvised performance to text piece a mash of feminist theory, myth, fiction, archeology uncommon ground – attempt to confront dark side of mythology within the English psyche – white horse stone kent- during research came across white supremacist group that used to guard the site- 2 chanel video – follows icon of the white horse and its relation to alt white narratives and history in mythology – also included fragments of conversions with ethan d white about alt right pagan rituals and beliefs at these sites – anglo saxon mythology Una Hamilton helle - 2009/10 – makes work in landscape, place, nature and how we encode them with our own theories and experiences – the lay archive, ‘after math’ or ‘trauma’ photography- events can linger on in places and can you capture this through camera, looking at political troubles in Ireland. Attempt to explore what could be captured on camera, lay lines connecting places of worship etc, energy lines, ufo sightings, can you capture any of this in images? Short film   the return from Annwn, 2015, inspired by sci-fi and the English landscape. Sacred sites, mound burials, paces of energy, becoming the forest- long term art project interrogating sense of belonging what is heritage, connecting with the landscape - looked to black metal genre that uses landscapes/ Nordic aesthetics – looking at how topography and environments influence people – short stories about black metalists worshipping spruce trees - zine , becoming the forest to explore those ideas more critically, - commissioned essays about the topic from different political, cultural and scientific perspectives commissioned by waltham and epping forest to do installation that looked at epping forest as the peoples forest, and how human narratives have shaped the forest – workshops, performance

Dr Edwin coomasaru Complicated relationship to concept of Englishness 2018 – research driven by questions of ‘why has occult imagery become so importanct for feminist art and activism? What might this renewed interest in the supernatural from across the political spectrum tell us about the current crisis of British identity, shaped by colonial narratives, enlightened Europeans spreading rational modernity while committing oppression murder and theft 18/19 – courtold project on politics of gender and race in brexit visual culture – interested in the way artists responded to issue of irish border in eu negotiations – rita duffy collabed with women of both sides of irish border to create installation that straddled the border – knitted votive figures on the black line bridge – image above from derry 10 exhibition Kerry powell Williams on tarot, held supernatural performance on walker plinth, looked at history of somerset house – building once hq for royal navy and hmrc, all implicated in histories of empire increased interest in supernaturalism a response to corporate wellness culture, welfare state cutbacks and precarious employment – as feminist and anti racist activism surged in 2010, so did far right extremist, brexit articulated and exacerbate crisis of British identity, colonial/rational/modern narratives against those considered supernatural, other or primitive, created conceptual binary between magic and science 1876,eng traveler William h Dixon –‘ if we wish to see order and freedom , science and civilization preserved, we should give first thought to what improves the white mans growth and increase the white man’s strength - gina rippons gendered brain – challenged idea that science was ever neutral or objective, it s all implicated with power and projection feminist and anti racist artists are turning to the occult to reclaim/ challenge the myths that underpin patriarchal white supremacy

How do materials beings and sites become co-opted into story and myth? what stories and myths can artists today extract from the land that will forge a path for post Brexit Britain that is inclusive healing and open and how does this approach include a celebration of Englishness.

VB -Turned to the supernatural and tarot as a way of generating hope in a very hopeless situation- the 2008 recession – allows for mystery, imagination and nuance – using tarot to guide the work, relinquish control – don’t see it as a supernatural things, it’s a way of connecting with natural forces, seeing it in a post modern, materialist light

UH – mysticism as opposition to the narratives the nation tells themselves – also retaining a sense of imagination, not buying into protestant work ethic – productivity is everything – found this is in occult theories – trying to understand what we are actually listening to in occult stories and myths- who’s histories are these? DC- family interested in se Asian forms of spirituality , became interested aspects of activist that used the occult as an insult and those that were interested din magic –  bbc article ‘brexit leads to resurgence in tarot’ intense uncertainty about the future and finding ways to narrate a story to the self – there is nobody NOT engaging in magical thinking – storytelling and the ability of narratives to conceptually present the world to us in different ways Vb storytelling – critical awareness of the falsehood of truths, hierarchy of belief and value we assign to certain myths over other revisiting feminist myth making trajectory – how it has shifted between waves, changing ideas of gender, how gender and myth are intertwined, etc  how myths have sedimented in the body – whiteness embodiment  - how can we excavate that? Romanticism of neo paganism – grey areas between liberal left and alt white spaces  

Englishness, an important part of brexit is the tensions between Englishness and brutishness – England drove the vote but Wales also voted leave

VB- looking for line of flight from Englishness- stuck with facing own white Englishness – (not proud of heritage?) coming from rural working class land based peasantry – most family were brexiteers, ideas of people living in different worlds – respective the world view but navigating conversations of black lives matter. Huge disconnect between rural and urban landscape – trying to reconfigure clashes in own identity rural/urban recent work ‘crossings’ about encountering rural landscape after being urbanized

UH– myth of the nation state – disconnect with place? Disenfranchisement – enclosures, uprooting, urbanization, industries disappears – possibilities for community eroded at every corner for a hundred years – what does place/ local place mean? Nobody has that deep rooted relationship with the land anymore?

DC – anxiety about living off the land – spells about butter,- sense of powerlessness and feeling out of control  -the occult has very specific histories and its consciously appropriated

mass displacement in the industrial revolution -

are myths just replaced with others? Everything is myth – there is no objective reality

VB – counter myth making, everything is myth, these are imaginative worlds, capitalism is a shared belief – counter myths – opens up new potentials

the enlightenment was created to enable imperialism and capitalism - how can we generate new worlds that cater to non-conforming folk –modern myths have been generate to support the cis white able man

[amyddaniels]

We Are All Grieving Right Now. Here, How to Feel Whole Amid Uncertainty

Yoga teacher Karena Virginia discusses the collective grief of COVID-19 and what it can teach us. Plus, six tips to jumpstart your own deep healing process.

Karena Virginia

My heart is racing, and I feel that empty longing sensation in my stomach like something was taken from me. It must be 3 a.m. again. Did I say or post something too personal yesterday? Was I too much? Was I hiding in my cocoon all day not doing enough for the world? Was I doing too much activism again? Protesting again. Too much? Not enough?

Nauseous and hot. My mind runs through the day and evening before as if someone else is lying in this body right now shaming me for my existence. Did I allow too much freedom for the kids? Did they wash their hands after going outside? Did they really stay six-feet apart? Am I numbing myself when I help others overcome addiction?

Once again, I’m ruminating on the small things to prevent myself from feeling the real grief and longing in my soul. The grief and the regrets, and the longing for traditions, and moments and time with loved ones that were taken for granted are too painful to feel. Shame. What kind of yogi am I?

What I’m feeling is trauma. It’s collective and ancestral trauma. It is not just me. We are all grieving. Something very painful is happening as we rebirth ourselves, and it feels like some kind of very deep intense healing.

Can you feel it too?

See also Karena Virginia's Practice for Finding Instant Calm

The Persistence of Ancestral Trauma

In this time of global pandemic, we are collectively healing ancestral karma, while we are being told to stay home. The message is clear: It is not safe to step out of your home. Do not use your voice. Do not reveal secrets. Do not speak of herbs or spells, and, by all means, never speak truth to power. You will die if you do. There is danger outside. It can kill, and it is killing. It can strip finances and security. Hide.

The virus is invisible, but it is taking lives and jobs and creating absolute chaos in our world. We feel it even if we are not watching the daily news. Our bodies know.

Our bodies hold scores of lifetimes, and our cells hold scores of generations. We are imprisoned in our homes, our bodies, and our cellular memories. And we want to fight for peace and we want to call out the abuse of power that has been perpetuating the systemic abuse and racism for way too long. How do we run and protest for peace when we are trapped indoors and inside old stories of unworthiness and shame.

I don’t like when animals are used for testing, but this study of mice proves what our cells know. Our DNA can wire us for shame, fear, and playing small. The study took a group of mice and wafted the smell of cherry blossoms into their habitat while also exposing them to anxiety-provoking stimuli. The mice exhibited a fear response whenever they smelled cherry blossoms from then on. However, when they tested several generations of offspring of those mice that were never exposed to the anxiety provoking stimuli, they still responded with fear anytime they smelled cherry blossoms.

If our great grandparents experienced persecution, war, illness, inequality, oppression, abuse, racism, or other major traumas, those traumas are still lingering in our DNA. And, on top of that, those of us who are highly sensitive are feeling the pain of the world while also dealing with our own personal grief. This is an intense time, so we must be compassionate with ourselves.

See also Karena Virginia's Practice for Releasing Fear

Healing Ourselves to Heal the World

The good news is that we can heal. We can heal these traumas for our own children, nieces, nephews, neighborhood kids, and so on. Actually, I believe we are being called to heal our ancestral lineage right now. Marching for human rights is spiritual. Calling out broken systems is spiritual. Yelling from rooftops to end racism is spiritual. Anytime we create change for the better of this Earth, we are embodying the spiritual within us.

Anger can propel us into action. The old story that anger is “not enlightened” is changing. Denying anger was a historic tactic to keep us trapped in a cage. Mother Earth is teaching us to say “no more” to abuse, oppression, repression, assault, racism, and destruction of this sacred land we walk on.

I also believe we are becoming butterflies, and this time in the cocoon is the chrysalis. I truly believe this time of “reset” is preparing us for the miraculous. And I am not one to use that word lightly. I have used my voice for change, and have been hated for it. I have received death threats and I have felt deep shame and pain. I have experienced PTSD and the excruciating pain of loss, and I am a white woman with privilege. How do people of color who stand up to injustice feel when they are attacked for being spiritual warriors?

Being a highly sensitive person is not easy. Our energetic immune systems are delicate, and we ache for a better world. We long for peace and justice. We hurt for others, and we feel our own pain as if it is burning our skin. We are angry. We are confused. We feel boxed in, and our souls are crying out: “no more."

6 Ways to Start the Healing Process

Here are some tips that have helped me connect with myself, my intuition, and others during this time of social distancing, when feelings of anxiety, pain, shame, and fear are so prevalent:

1. Feel it

I have learned through deep pain and shame that the only way forward is to lovingly allow myself to deeply feel and express the fear, rage, shock, panic, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, and despair. How much of what you are feeling is yours? Is it an energetic weight? Is it an ancestral pattern? Is it collective grief? Can you feel it to heal it? Locate the sensation. Trauma creates a story so we can make sense of the energy moving through us. How true is the story? Is it located in that part of the body that aches? Ask yourself this question: what percentage of this ache is yours? 80%? 60%? 40 percent? For the portion of the ache that is not yours, think about what can you do to help others. When we help one another we speed up collective healing.

See also 3 Life-Changing Strategies for Processing Grief

2. Ask your guides to assist you

Placing your forehead on the floor so it is lower than your heart in a child’s pose helps quiet the mind and open the heart .I like to say this prayer: “Dear Divine one, please eliminate the ache in my body, mind, and soul that is creating this heaviness. Send angels to lift the fear and darkness that is not mine and bring it back to source so it can be transmuted into love and light. May the alchemy begin. And so it is. So it is. So it is.”

3. Move your body

Shake. Move the trauma. Dance. Tap. Massage your body. Sweep your skin with your hands to release the love hormone oxytocin. Hug yourself. Hold yourself. And just breathe.. Find compassion for yourself. Have you been giving your power away? Change up your practice if you need to, but keep doing a daily practice. Whatever your practice is to elevate. Yoga, meditation, running outside. Stay steady. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. Move the trauma. Move it again and again and again. Recognize that the highest teacher at this time is inside you.. Miracles occur naturally when we recognize how loved we are and we elevate our vibration. We are being called to reclaim our sovereignty. We are growing and evolving. We made mistakes, and that is what life is about. It will be ok.

See also Karena Virginia's Sequence for Feeling Strong and Secure

4. Make space for miracles

Clear away anything that clutters your home, your mind, and your spirit. Set boundaries when people send you frightening texts or videos. Once you have created that space ask spirit guides to help you serve humanity: “What will you have me do? How will you have me do it? Who will you have me do it with? When?” Then listen. You may be called to use your voice. You may be called to disrupt a system that is hurting innocent people. You may be called to stand up and fight for human rights and equality. Listen. Observe. Contemplate, and take action from the heart instead of reacting from the overthinking mind. A new world is emerging, but we need to stand up for ourselves and others. 

5. Spend time in nature

If you feel ungrounded, go outside and walk around barefoot. Ground yourself. This new earth has so many secrets to reveal. Look at the flowers. They are blossoming. There is hope. There is a rebirth. You deserve happiness. You deserve prosperity. You are healing so many layers of ancestral trauma, and spirit guides and angels are helping you. Staying home does not mean you are caged in. Bloom. Even flowers bloom in pots. They just need nurturing and love. Give that to yourself.. Keep breathing through the stuck energy so you can free yourself. Relax to attract. You do not need to push or pull. Ask and allow instead. Gifts will appear with ease the more you follow this law. It is the law of love, and it is not a bypass of any sort. It is the law of truth. 

See also We Tried Forest Bathing And Now We See Magic Everywhere

6. Hold hands with others energetically 

Create a new community with people who feel the same way. If your old community is still working for you, host gatherings–both digitally and physically using social distancing measures. It’s time to unlearn ingrained beliefs that perpetuate the problems like jealousy, competition, abuse and racial inequality. Listen to others, and listen to your heart. Let go of what others think or say about you. Observe yourself when you are putting an unhealthy system or community before your divine calling. Be true to the voice in your heart, and live with every action from that space. It takes all of us together in a circle with open hearts for this change to happen.

See also A Libations Meditation for Honoring Black Lives Lost

Want to learn how to tap into your innate kundalini energy to transform your practice and life? Join Karena in her online course with Yoga Journal, called Empowered Kundalini.

[krisiunicornio]

Yoga teacher Karena Virginia discusses the collective grief of COVID-19 and what it can teach us. Plus, six tips to jumpstart your own deep healing process.

Karena Virginia

My heart is racing, and I feel that empty longing sensation in my stomach like something was taken from me. It must be 3 a.m. again. Did I say or post something too personal yesterday? Was I too much? Was I hiding in my cocoon all day not doing enough for the world? Was I doing too much activism again? Protesting again. Too much? Not enough?

Nauseous and hot. My mind runs through the day and evening before as if someone else is lying in this body right now shaming me for my existence. Did I allow too much freedom for the kids? Did they wash their hands after going outside? Did they really stay six-feet apart? Am I numbing myself when I help others overcome addiction?

Once again, I’m ruminating on the small things to prevent myself from feeling the real grief and longing in my soul. The grief and the regrets, and the longing for traditions, and moments and time with loved ones that were taken for granted are too painful to feel. Shame. What kind of yogi am I?

What I’m feeling is trauma. It’s collective and ancestral trauma. It is not just me. We are all grieving. Something very painful is happening as we rebirth ourselves, and it feels like some kind of very deep intense healing.

Can you feel it too?

See also Karena Virginia's Practice for Finding Instant Calm

The Persistence of Ancestral Trauma

In this time of global pandemic, we are collectively healing ancestral karma, while we are being told to stay home. The message is clear: It is not safe to step out of your home. Do not use your voice. Do not reveal secrets. Do not speak of herbs or spells, and, by all means, never speak truth to power. You will die if you do. There is danger outside. It can kill, and it is killing. It can strip finances and security. Hide.

The virus is invisible, but it is taking lives and jobs and creating absolute chaos in our world. We feel it even if we are not watching the daily news. Our bodies know.

Our bodies hold scores of lifetimes, and our cells hold scores of generations. We are imprisoned in our homes, our bodies, and our cellular memories. And we want to fight for peace and we want to call out the abuse of power that has been perpetuating the systemic abuse and racism for way too long. How do we run and protest for peace when we are trapped indoors and inside old stories of unworthiness and shame.

I don’t like when animals are used for testing, but this study of mice proves what our cells know. Our DNA can wire us for shame, fear, and playing small. The study took a group of mice and wafted the smell of cherry blossoms into their habitat while also exposing them to anxiety-provoking stimuli. The mice exhibited a fear response whenever they smelled cherry blossoms from then on. However, when they tested several generations of offspring of those mice that were never exposed to the anxiety provoking stimuli, they still responded with fear anytime they smelled cherry blossoms.

If our great grandparents experienced persecution, war, illness, inequality, oppression, abuse, racism, or other major traumas, those traumas are still lingering in our DNA. And, on top of that, those of us who are highly sensitive are feeling the pain of the world while also dealing with our own personal grief. This is an intense time, so we must be compassionate with ourselves.

See also Karena Virginia's Practice for Releasing Fear

Healing Ourselves to Heal the World

The good news is that we can heal. We can heal these traumas for our own children, nieces, nephews, neighborhood kids, and so on. Actually, I believe we are being called to heal our ancestral lineage right now. Marching for human rights is spiritual. Calling out broken systems is spiritual. Yelling from rooftops to end racism is spiritual. Anytime we create change for the better of this Earth, we are embodying the spiritual within us.

Anger can propel us into action. The old story that anger is “not enlightened” is changing. Denying anger was a historic tactic to keep us trapped in a cage. Mother Earth is teaching us to say “no more” to abuse, oppression, repression, assault, racism, and destruction of this sacred land we walk on.

I also believe we are becoming butterflies, and this time in the cocoon is the chrysalis. I truly believe this time of “reset” is preparing us for the miraculous. And I am not one to use that word lightly. I have used my voice for change, and have been hated for it. I have received death threats and I have felt deep shame and pain. I have experienced PTSD and the excruciating pain of loss, and I am a white woman with privilege. How do people of color who stand up to injustice feel when they are attacked for being spiritual warriors?

Being a highly sensitive person is not easy. Our energetic immune systems are delicate, and we ache for a better world. We long for peace and justice. We hurt for others, and we feel our own pain as if it is burning our skin. We are angry. We are confused. We feel boxed in, and our souls are crying out: “no more."

6 Ways to Start the Healing Process

Here are some tips that have helped me connect with myself, my intuition, and others during this time of social distancing, when feelings of anxiety, pain, shame, and fear are so prevalent:

1. Feel it

I have learned through deep pain and shame that the only way forward is to lovingly allow myself to deeply feel and express the fear, rage, shock, panic, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, and despair. How much of what you are feeling is yours? Is it an energetic weight? Is it an ancestral pattern? Is it collective grief? Can you feel it to heal it? Locate the sensation. Trauma creates a story so we can make sense of the energy moving through us. How true is the story? Is it located in that part of the body that aches? Ask yourself this question: what percentage of this ache is yours? 80%? 60%? 40 percent? For the portion of the ache that is not yours, think about what can you do to help others. When we help one another we speed up collective healing.

See also 3 Life-Changing Strategies for Processing Grief

2. Ask your guides to assist you

Placing your forehead on the floor so it is lower than your heart in a child’s pose helps quiet the mind and open the heart .I like to say this prayer: “Dear Divine one, please eliminate the ache in my body, mind, and soul that is creating this heaviness. Send angels to lift the fear and darkness that is not mine and bring it back to source so it can be transmuted into love and light. May the alchemy begin. And so it is. So it is. So it is.”

3. Move your body

Shake. Move the trauma. Dance. Tap. Massage your body. Sweep your skin with your hands to release the love hormone oxytocin. Hug yourself. Hold yourself. And just breathe.. Find compassion for yourself. Have you been giving your power away? Change up your practice if you need to, but keep doing a daily practice. Whatever your practice is to elevate. Yoga, meditation, running outside. Stay steady. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. Move the trauma. Move it again and again and again. Recognize that the highest teacher at this time is inside you.. Miracles occur naturally when we recognize how loved we are and we elevate our vibration. We are being called to reclaim our sovereignty. We are growing and evolving. We made mistakes, and that is what life is about. It will be ok.

See also Karena Virginia's Sequence for Feeling Strong and Secure

4. Make space for miracles

Clear away anything that clutters your home, your mind, and your spirit. Set boundaries when people send you frightening texts or videos. Once you have created that space ask spirit guides to help you serve humanity: “What will you have me do? How will you have me do it? Who will you have me do it with? When?” Then listen. You may be called to use your voice. You may be called to disrupt a system that is hurting innocent people. You may be called to stand up and fight for human rights and equality. Listen. Observe. Contemplate, and take action from the heart instead of reacting from the overthinking mind. A new world is emerging, but we need to stand up for ourselves and others. 

5. Spend time in nature

If you feel ungrounded, go outside and walk around barefoot. Ground yourself. This new earth has so many secrets to reveal. Look at the flowers. They are blossoming. There is hope. There is a rebirth. You deserve happiness. You deserve prosperity. You are healing so many layers of ancestral trauma, and spirit guides and angels are helping you. Staying home does not mean you are caged in. Bloom. Even flowers bloom in pots. They just need nurturing and love. Give that to yourself.. Keep breathing through the stuck energy so you can free yourself. Relax to attract. You do not need to push or pull. Ask and allow instead. Gifts will appear with ease the more you follow this law. It is the law of love, and it is not a bypass of any sort. It is the law of truth. 

See also We Tried Forest Bathing And Now We See Magic Everywhere

6. Hold hands with others energetically 

Create a new community with people who feel the same way. If your old community is still working for you, host gatherings–both digitally and physically using social distancing measures. It’s time to unlearn ingrained beliefs that perpetuate the problems like jealousy, competition, abuse and racial inequality. Listen to others, and listen to your heart. Let go of what others think or say about you. Observe yourself when you are putting an unhealthy system or community before your divine calling. Be true to the voice in your heart, and live with every action from that space. It takes all of us together in a circle with open hearts for this change to happen.

See also A Libations Meditation for Honoring Black Lives Lost

Want to learn how to tap into your innate kundalini energy to transform your practice and life? Join Karena in her online course with Yoga Journal, called Empowered Kundalini.

[cedarrrun]

Yoga teacher Karena Virginia discusses the collective grief of COVID-19 and what it can teach us. Plus, six tips to jumpstart your own deep healing process.

Karena Virginia

My heart is racing, and I feel that empty longing sensation in my stomach like something was taken from me. It must be 3 a.m. again. Did I say or post something too personal yesterday? Was I too much? Was I hiding in my cocoon all day not doing enough for the world? Was I doing too much activism again? Protesting again. Too much? Not enough?

Nauseous and hot. My mind runs through the day and evening before as if someone else is lying in this body right now shaming me for my existence. Did I allow too much freedom for the kids? Did they wash their hands after going outside? Did they really stay six-feet apart? Am I numbing myself when I help others overcome addiction?

Once again, I’m ruminating on the small things to prevent myself from feeling the real grief and longing in my soul. The grief and the regrets, and the longing for traditions, and moments and time with loved ones that were taken for granted are too painful to feel. Shame. What kind of yogi am I?

What I’m feeling is trauma. It’s collective and ancestral trauma. It is not just me. We are all grieving. Something very painful is happening as we rebirth ourselves, and it feels like some kind of very deep intense healing.

Can you feel it too?

See also Karena Virginia's Practice for Finding Instant Calm

The Persistence of Ancestral Trauma

In this time of global pandemic, we are collectively healing ancestral karma, while we are being told to stay home. The message is clear: It is not safe to step out of your home. Do not use your voice. Do not reveal secrets. Do not speak of herbs or spells, and, by all means, never speak truth to power. You will die if you do. There is danger outside. It can kill, and it is killing. It can strip finances and security. Hide.

The virus is invisible, but it is taking lives and jobs and creating absolute chaos in our world. We feel it even if we are not watching the daily news. Our bodies know.

Our bodies hold scores of lifetimes, and our cells hold scores of generations. We are imprisoned in our homes, our bodies, and our cellular memories. And we want to fight for peace and we want to call out the abuse of power that has been perpetuating the systemic abuse and racism for way too long. How do we run and protest for peace when we are trapped indoors and inside old stories of unworthiness and shame.

I don’t like when animals are used for testing, but this study of mice proves what our cells know. Our DNA can wire us for shame, fear, and playing small. The study took a group of mice and wafted the smell of cherry blossoms into their habitat while also exposing them to anxiety-provoking stimuli. The mice exhibited a fear response whenever they smelled cherry blossoms from then on. However, when they tested several generations of offspring of those mice that were never exposed to the anxiety provoking stimuli, they still responded with fear anytime they smelled cherry blossoms.

If our great grandparents experienced persecution, war, illness, inequality, oppression, abuse, racism, or other major traumas, those traumas are still lingering in our DNA. And, on top of that, those of us who are highly sensitive are feeling the pain of the world while also dealing with our own personal grief. This is an intense time, so we must be compassionate with ourselves.

See also Karena Virginia's Practice for Releasing Fear

Healing Ourselves to Heal the World

The good news is that we can heal. We can heal these traumas for our own children, nieces, nephews, neighborhood kids, and so on. Actually, I believe we are being called to heal our ancestral lineage right now. Marching for human rights is spiritual. Calling out broken systems is spiritual. Yelling from rooftops to end racism is spiritual. Anytime we create change for the better of this Earth, we are embodying the spiritual within us.

Anger can propel us into action. The old story that anger is “not enlightened” is changing. Denying anger was a historic tactic to keep us trapped in a cage. Mother Earth is teaching us to say “no more” to abuse, oppression, repression, assault, racism, and destruction of this sacred land we walk on.

I also believe we are becoming butterflies, and this time in the cocoon is the chrysalis. I truly believe this time of “reset” is preparing us for the miraculous. And I am not one to use that word lightly. I have used my voice for change, and have been hated for it. I have received death threats and I have felt deep shame and pain. I have experienced PTSD and the excruciating pain of loss, and I am a white woman with privilege. How do people of color who stand up to injustice feel when they are attacked for being spiritual warriors?

Being a highly sensitive person is not easy. Our energetic immune systems are delicate, and we ache for a better world. We long for peace and justice. We hurt for others, and we feel our own pain as if it is burning our skin. We are angry. We are confused. We feel boxed in, and our souls are crying out: “no more."

6 Ways to Start the Healing Process

Here are some tips that have helped me connect with myself, my intuition, and others during this time of social distancing, when feelings of anxiety, pain, shame, and fear are so prevalent:

1. Feel it

I have learned through deep pain and shame that the only way forward is to lovingly allow myself to deeply feel and express the fear, rage, shock, panic, sadness, anxiety, disappointment, and despair. How much of what you are feeling is yours? Is it an energetic weight? Is it an ancestral pattern? Is it collective grief? Can you feel it to heal it? Locate the sensation. Trauma creates a story so we can make sense of the energy moving through us. How true is the story? Is it located in that part of the body that aches? Ask yourself this question: what percentage of this ache is yours? 80%? 60%? 40 percent? For the portion of the ache that is not yours, think about what can you do to help others. When we help one another we speed up collective healing.

See also 3 Life-Changing Strategies for Processing Grief

2. Ask your guides to assist you

Placing your forehead on the floor so it is lower than your heart in a child’s pose helps quiet the mind and open the heart .I like to say this prayer: “Dear Divine one, please eliminate the ache in my body, mind, and soul that is creating this heaviness. Send angels to lift the fear and darkness that is not mine and bring it back to source so it can be transmuted into love and light. May the alchemy begin. And so it is. So it is. So it is.”

3. Move your body

Shake. Move the trauma. Dance. Tap. Massage your body. Sweep your skin with your hands to release the love hormone oxytocin. Hug yourself. Hold yourself. And just breathe.. Find compassion for yourself. Have you been giving your power away? Change up your practice if you need to, but keep doing a daily practice. Whatever your practice is to elevate. Yoga, meditation, running outside. Stay steady. Cry if you need to. Scream if you need to. Move the trauma. Move it again and again and again. Recognize that the highest teacher at this time is inside you.. Miracles occur naturally when we recognize how loved we are and we elevate our vibration. We are being called to reclaim our sovereignty. We are growing and evolving. We made mistakes, and that is what life is about. It will be ok.

See also Karena Virginia's Sequence for Feeling Strong and Secure

4. Make space for miracles

Clear away anything that clutters your home, your mind, and your spirit. Set boundaries when people send you frightening texts or videos. Once you have created that space ask spirit guides to help you serve humanity: “What will you have me do? How will you have me do it? Who will you have me do it with? When?” Then listen. You may be called to use your voice. You may be called to disrupt a system that is hurting innocent people. You may be called to stand up and fight for human rights and equality. Listen. Observe. Contemplate, and take action from the heart instead of reacting from the overthinking mind. A new world is emerging, but we need to stand up for ourselves and others. 

5. Spend time in nature

If you feel ungrounded, go outside and walk around barefoot. Ground yourself. This new earth has so many secrets to reveal. Look at the flowers. They are blossoming. There is hope. There is a rebirth. You deserve happiness. You deserve prosperity. You are healing so many layers of ancestral trauma, and spirit guides and angels are helping you. Staying home does not mean you are caged in. Bloom. Even flowers bloom in pots. They just need nurturing and love. Give that to yourself.. Keep breathing through the stuck energy so you can free yourself. Relax to attract. You do not need to push or pull. Ask and allow instead. Gifts will appear with ease the more you follow this law. It is the law of love, and it is not a bypass of any sort. It is the law of truth. 

See also We Tried Forest Bathing And Now We See Magic Everywhere

6. Hold hands with others energetically 

Create a new community with people who feel the same way. If your old community is still working for you, host gatherings–both digitally and physically using social distancing measures. It’s time to unlearn ingrained beliefs that perpetuate the problems like jealousy, competition, abuse and racial inequality. Listen to others, and listen to your heart. Let go of what others think or say about you. Observe yourself when you are putting an unhealthy system or community before your divine calling. Be true to the voice in your heart, and live with every action from that space. It takes all of us together in a circle with open hearts for this change to happen.

See also A Libations Meditation for Honoring Black Lives Lost

Want to learn how to tap into your innate kundalini energy to transform your practice and life? Join Karena in her online course with Yoga Journal, called Empowered Kundalini.

[itgirlscollection-blog]

10 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage you’d have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.

Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. It’s natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Don’t block them away. Embrace them and accept them.

Don’t bottle them in, because as we all know they will explode in the future when least expected. You might have heard of people who claim to have moved on by shutting off / avoiding their emotions altogether. They may feel like they have moved on, but what’s really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn’t cause any immediate reaction. It’s like having a cut that is healed on the surface, but still has impurities underneath the scar. To complete the cleansing process, all the dirt has to be cleansed. To do so you need to first acknowledge and accept your feelings.

As you connect with these emotions, slowly let them go. Feel them, understand the source, then release them.  Some suggestions would be to talk to a good friend, journaling or meditation. Sleeping helps to clear mental baggage too – but just be conscious that you don’t turn to sleep as a source of escapism.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you

A large portion why you can’t move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as “the one” for you. You just can’t see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a “some day” which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections – both on you and of him/her.

One thing I’ve realized is that if  the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isn’t there, then anything else can come forth as a “reason” for not being together.

If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isn’t the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isn’t meant to be. Because ultimately, it’s not about the right place or right timing. It’s about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. That’s why it’s called the right person.

  3. Share with your close friends

You don’t have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.

4. Reduce contact with him/her

The initial healing period of every wound is always the most delicate. During this time, you wouldn’t want anything to come near and agitate your wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, it might help to reduce contact with this person at the beginning, if that’s what it’s going to take to move on faster.

There are three possible situations where you’d have to do so.

If you feel you can’t move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.

If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.

If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that are more romantic than platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.

I had to reduce contact with G because his actions toward me made it hard for me to move on. A part of me kept seeing him as an ideal guy, while on the other hand he was treating me in this special way that was ambiguous. Reducing contact made it much easy for me to gain clarity on the situation, that what we had was a friendship and there was nothing more than that.

5. Seek closure with him/her

At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and pent up emotions. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldn’t things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.

Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.

At the end, you will find it’s really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. It’s like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.

Some of you may ask – What if he/she avoids the issue or doesn’t answer the question(s)? If that’s the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want – irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted – but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she can’t even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.

6. Forgive him/her

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves.

It makes sense doesn’t it? When you feel angry/bitter toward someone, it’s not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. It’s you. For what it’s worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling toward him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.

Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. It’s like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. I’m sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You can’t get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.

To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.

7. Do the things you love

Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, don’t linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.

8. Meet new people

It’s easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Don’t get cooped up with your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.

9. Know there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her

It’s easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the “right” or ‘wrong” traits to embody, just different expectations. If you don’t embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys aren’t the right match. That’s all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just aren’t suited for each other.

  10. Recognize there is someone out there for you

It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but it’s true. Heck, I’m 25 (as of 2010), never been in a truly serious relationship (by choice), met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe there’s someone out there for me!

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t think so! I don’t care how many relationships you’ve been in the past, how many wrong men/women you’ve been with, or whether you’ve never been in any real relationships. (I haven’t). There is someone out there for you. You’re definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think you’re the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.