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itgirlscollection-blog · 8 years ago

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10 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

1. Clear your baggage. Acknowledge, accept and let go of your feelings.With every broken relationship comes baggage. The (a) longer and (b) more intense your relationship is, the more baggage you’d have accumulated. The length of time me and G were in close, active communication was about 2.5~3 years in total. Not very long compared to others, yet there was so much baggage to be cleared in my head! If your relationship was longer, I can imagine there must be a lot more for you to deal with.

Our baggage will be a mixture of sadness, regret, hope, wistfulness, melancholy, disappointment. If the relationship was intense, your baggage will probably include hate, grief, anger, fear, shame and other deeper emotions. It’s natural to feel these. Whatever the emotion is, open yourself to the emotion fully. This means if you hate the person, feel that hatred. If you feel sad, soak in your sadness. If you feel the need to grief, then please grief. Cry if need be. Take time out for yourself to process these feelings. Don’t block them away. Embrace them and accept them.

Don’t bottle them in, because as we all know they will explode in the future when least expected. You might have heard of people who claim to have moved on by shutting off / avoiding their emotions altogether. They may feel like they have moved on, but what’s really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn’t cause any immediate reaction. It’s like having a cut that is healed on the surface, but still has impurities underneath the scar. To complete the cleansing process, all the dirt has to be cleansed. To do so you need to first acknowledge and accept your feelings.

As you connect with these emotions, slowly let them go. Feel them, understand the source, then release them. Some suggestions would be to talk to a good friend, journaling or meditation. Sleeping helps to clear mental baggage too – but just be conscious that you don’t turn to sleep as a source of escapism.

2. Recognize he/she is not the one for you

A large portion why you can’t move on is probably because you keep seeing him/her as “the one” for you. You just can’t see yourself with anyone else but him/her. Such fixations are dangerous. This leads you to linger on and on, hoping for a “some day” which will never come. Not only that, it leads to a lot of mental projections – both on you and of him/her.

One thing I’ve realized is that if the party does not have the 110% intention to be together, then he/she is not the one for you. I always believe if real intention is there, any obstacles, no matter how insurmountable, can be overcome. If the intention isn’t there, then anything else can come forth as a “reason” for not being together.

If you keep thinking that you guys will be together once the circumstance changes, or once the timing changes, or once you are a better person, then perhaps this isn’t the right person. These prerequisites are signals this relationship isn’t meant to be. Because ultimately, it’s not about the right place or right timing. It’s about whether he/she is the right person. If he/she is the right person, you guys would have been together regardless of how wrong the place or timing is. That’s why it’s called the right person.

3. Share with your close friends

You don’t have to go through this alone. Your friends are there for a reason, to help you, support you, and pull you through this period.

Looking back, I can’t imagine how I could have dealt with this saga without my close friends with me. K, for sure. Other close friends include my secondary school pals, my junior college friend, my god brother whom I knew back when I was 15 and my best friend from university. These people were there to listen to me and support me when I was down. Their overwhelming patience made me very grateful for who they are and our friendships. This experience has undoubtedly strengthened our friendships.

4. Reduce contact with him/her

The initial healing period of every wound is always the most delicate. During this time, you wouldn’t want anything to come near and agitate your wound. Especially not the very things the wound is susceptible to. Because of that, it might help to reduce contact with this person at the beginning, if that’s what it’s going to take to move on faster.

There are three possible situations where you’d have to do so.

If you feel you can’t move on with constant reminder of his/her presence.

If he/she keeps pestering you even though you just want to be friends.

If he/she acts in a way that prevents you from moving on. For example, words or actions that are more romantic than platonic, making it hard for you to decipher on the status of the relationship.

I had to reduce contact with G because his actions toward me made it hard for me to move on. A part of me kept seeing him as an ideal guy, while on the other hand he was treating me in this special way that was ambiguous. Reducing contact made it much easy for me to gain clarity on the situation, that what we had was a friendship and there was nothing more than that.

5. Seek closure with him/her

At the end of an unrequited or broken relationship, there are going to be a lot of unspoken words, questions, and pent up emotions. Questions like: Why did he/she do this to me? What was he/she really feeling at that time? Did he/she ever liked me? Why couldn’t things be worked out? You may try to rationalize them away, but they will remain there, yearning to be answered.

Airing these thoughts to the person helps you gain closure. Write down everything you want to say; things you had qualms with; questions you have always wanted to ask. Arrange for a heartfelt talk with him/her and get the air cleared with these questions. Ask for his/her side of the story. Listen. Talk it out. Seek for an answer, in his/her own words.

At the end, you will find it’s really not so much the answer itself that matters, but the fact that there was an answer. It’s like the piece to the whole puzzle. It gives you certainty on where he/she stands.

Some of you may ask – What if he/she avoids the issue or doesn’t answer the question(s)? If that’s the case, the avoidance itself is the answer. You can interpret the behavior in whatever way you want – irresponsible, player, evasive, unsure, conflicted – but the fact is, he/she chose to avoid. If he/she can’t even give you a proper answer you need, perhaps he/she is just not worth it.

6. Forgive him/her

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”

I once read a book on forgiveness which shared this powerful idea. It said that whenever we refuse to forgive someone, the person we are not forgiving is really ourselves.

It makes sense doesn’t it? When you feel angry/bitter toward someone, it’s not the other person who is carrying the anger and bitterness. It’s you. For what it’s worth, the other person is probably not aware of how you are feeling toward him/her. You are the only person carrying the baggage around. On a deeper level, I believe you are angry/bitter at yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt by this person. This was what happened to me.

Carrying all these heavyweight emotions can be very tiring. It’s like while dragging a whole pile of carcasses wherever you go. I’m sure you feel tired emotionally and mentally from the episode. You can’t get anywhere far if you keep dragging them along.

To forgive him/her, first forgive yourself. Think about how you are denying yourself of so much happiness by holding on to your grievances. Think about how you are preventing yourself from experiencing your real love because you are still hanging on to these baggage. Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life. Forgive yourself for putting yourself through this trauma. Forgive yourself for everything that has happened. As you forgive yourself, forgiveness of the other person will occur naturally.

7. Do the things you love

Steps 1-6 are tied to your inner world and specifically dealing with the root of the issue. While spending time in your internal world is important, don’t linger too long in this stage. Get into some activities. What are the things that perk you up? Things that excite you, enthuse you, make you feel rejuvenated? Exercising? Jogging? Swimming? Cycling? Rollerblading? Traveling? Going out with friends? Movies? Watching a drama? Reading a book? Engage yourself in them.

8. Meet new people

It’s easy to get trapped in your head thinking about the thing for too long. Meeting new people, friends or romantic potentials alike, reminds how there is a whole world out there. There are many great people to know out there. Don’t get cooped up with your life. I always find it an amazing adventure to know someone new and be exposed to a whole different life. It helps me understand life from a whole different angle.

9. Know there is nothing wrong with you nor him/her

It’s easy to conclude you are not good enough when something doesn’t work out. I thought I wasn’t good enough for a long while, both consciously and subconsciously as you could see throughout the series. However, this is an erroneous belief. If the relationship could only happen if you are XXX person with XXX traits, then it meant you are not the right person for this relationship. Everyone looks for different people. There is no preset criteria on what are the “right” or ‘wrong” traits to embody, just different expectations. If you don’t embody the traits the person is looking for, that just means you guys aren’t the right match. That’s all. There is nothing wrong with you or him/her. You guys just aren’t suited for each other.

10. Recognize there is someone out there for you

It might be hard to believe as you try to move on from a broken past, but it’s true. Heck, I’m 25 (as of 2010), never been in a truly serious relationship (by choice), met my share of incompatible guys, and I still believe there’s someone out there for me!

There’s no reason why you shouldn’t think so! I don’t care how many relationships you’ve been in the past, how many wrong men/women you’ve been with, or whether you’ve never been in any real relationships. (I haven’t). There is someone out there for you. You’re definitely not the only single out there in the world. Look around you! Look at your friends. Look at the people on the streets. Do you think you’re the only person who is single in this world? Of course not! There are 7 billion people in the world. For every couple you see out there, there are multiples of other singles. For every single you see, there are even more singles.

#movedon

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itgirlscollection-blog · 8 years ago

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Types of Heartbreaks

1. When You Lose the Person You Thought was the Love of Your Life

I know that based on the title of this article that I claim to have some roadmap, some blueprint to surviving heartache but this is a pain that I simply cannot tell you how to survive. Honestly, you just do. I recently lost the person that I thought I was meant to be with, that I thought I would never have to live without, and I can tell you one thing: it still hurts. Every. Single. Day. Some days, I’m amazed and proud of myself for just getting up in the morning because those are the days where the weight of my heart feels like it could crush me. I don’t know how I am surviving this heartbreak; I couldn’t tell you if it’s the countless pints of ice cream, crying into the used tissues that fill my garbage, or playing nothing but Taylor Swift and Adele on repeat as I scream into my pillow at the top of my lungs. I really don’t know how I continue to wake up each day feeling abandoned and lonely, all I can tell you is that I do. If I was going to give you advice on how to survive the pain that comes with losing the person you were planning your whole life with, it would be this: practice radical self-love. Buy yourself coffee, take yourself to the movies, fall in love with people you’ve never met and places you’ve never seen. Plan your future for you, and only you. When you lose a love like this, it’s like being lost in the eye of a storm; one day you come out the other side and you aren’t sure how you made it, but the important thing is that you did. Surround yourself with the people who love you, but become okay with being alone in your own company. As you deal with the pain you’ll begin to realize that you haven’t actually lost the love of your life, you simply misplaced that love and fell for the wrong person; the love of your life should first and foremost be YOU.

Heartbreak is hard, it’s never something that is easy to cope with. I think the most important thing to remember is that no matter the type of pain you are dealing with or who caused it, you can be the person to mend your own heart. Drink some coffee, listen to some upbeat music, and give yourself a high-five for having the strength to get up this morning; no matter how you’re feeling right now, you’re killin’ it.

2. When Someone You Trust Betrays You

The devastating part about betrayal is that it can come from anyone in your life whether it’s a friend, a significant other, or even a family member and no matter how many times you’re betrayed by someone, it never really gets any easier. If you’re anything like me, you probably let the people in your life get away with far more than they should so betrayal is no unknown enemy. You may have seen my article I wrote previously about my experience when my best friend and sorority sister betrayed me and slept with my boyfriend (if you haven’t, you can catch that read here), and I can honestly say that the most heart-wrenching piece of the situation was that someone I loved and trusted so much who I shared such a deep bond with would hurt me so badly… and then proceed to lie to my face about it. I wish I could say that this was the first time I have ever felt let down by a friend, but it wasn’t and unfortunately it will probably happen again. Throughout my last few years of college, I’ve realized the only way to survive this heartbreak is to accept that while you may care about the person who betrayed you, sometimes it is better to simply let them go. At some point you have to choose your own wholeness over others and realize that while you do love and care for them tremendously, it’s impossible to heal and overcome the negative energy that came from that betrayal. In order to survive, simply wish them well and go your separate ways. Trust me, your heart will thank you.

3.When You Fall for Someone You Can’t Have

If there is one heartbreak I know like the back of my hand, it’s this one. I have become a master of falling for the person I can’t have. Granted, it isn’t always because the guy is in a relationship — but unfortunately, that happens a lot. It can be one of the hardest types of heartbreak to get over because unlike the end of a relationship, there often isn’t any type of closure; for me, it was like a roller-coaster I couldn’t get off and each time my guy friend and I hung out, I remembered why I (and probably his girlfriend, too) had feelings for him. Was he intentionally leading me on by the way he looked at me with those gorgeous, dark brown eyes or the sudden electricity that I felt when his hand brushed against mine? No, probably not but that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt each time he left after hanging out and I cried myself to sleep that night. Truthfully, when you fall for someone who is otherwise emotionally unavailable, the best thing to do is to keep your heart open and willing for someone who is. Take chances on other people who are interested in you, but don’t force intimacy. It’s okay to stay friends with the person you can’t have, as long as it doesn’t cause you so much pain that it makes giving others a chance absolutely impossible. I found that being willing to go out on a limb and date the guys who were interested in me, rather than waiting around for the seemingly unattainable one, was the best way to deal with the heartbreak of loving and caring about someone who was with someone else. The sooner you pull yourself away from this sort of painful, dead-end situation the sooner you will find your heart healing.

4. When You Fail at Something You Thought You

This felt like a sack of bricks to the stomach when I realized how much failure can actually cause a broken heart. Growing up, I never felt like I really had to work for anything. I was pretty naturally athletic, intelligent, and I got good grades without really trying. For me, all of that really changed when I went to college; suddenly I wasn’t getting great grades and I wasn’t sure what I really wanted to do with my life. A few months ago, this nearly destroyed me. I decided, as a fourth year senior with only three semesters left in my psychology degree, to not only take a semester off from school but also to change my major. I was always so sure that I wanted to go to medical school and help other people until my Psychology 101 professor told me that I would never, ever get into a medical school when the scars on my arms and legs clearly showed that I struggled emotionally myself. Honestly, this realization caused one of the harder heartbreaks that I’ve encountered because it was self-inflicted and I wasn’t used to failing at anything. I’m thankful for it, however, because I found one of the healthiest ways to survive it: find something you love. For me, it was writing; I began losing myself in endless writing opportunities and I found something that, while it requires an extensive amount of work, came naturally to me again and that I loved endlessly. My advice to you, if you ever feel as though you have no idea what you’re doing with your life is to find something you love to do whether it’s writing, singing, photography or another hobby…then, lose yourself in it because that will be the best way to find yourself and mend your broken heart.

5. When Forever with Your Best Friend is Shorter Than You Expected

Sometimes in life you find a person that sparks something in your soul, a fire that burns so deep in your core you’re sure that it must have been there all along, waiting to be stoked by the person who shares your soul. This person can be a mentor, a friend, a confidante, and a partner in crime among so many other things. Once you meet this person, even if there is nothing remotely romantic about your connection, that makes you wonder how on Earth you ever lived without them in your life; and how you would ever be able to go on living without them in your life from this point on. When I was 14 years old, I met my person. She was my absolute best friend and everything about her made me wonder if by some cosmic nature, one soul can be separated between two bodies. We lived four houses down from one another, and for the next four years of our lives, we would be inseparable; from football games, to sleepovers, to splitting holidays like a married couples between our families. I loved her more than I thought it was possible to love another person and from graduation to planning our future weddings on Pinterest in which we swore we would never had a maid of honor other than one another, I never thought I would have to face the world without her by my side. It wasn’t until we graduated high school and my fall semester rolled around that I began to feel us truly drifting apart. I was off to start my college career as a founding member of a new sorority on campus and she opted to work full time and take a semester off. Days turned into weeks that would pass before we were able to spend quality time together and before I knew it, she was dating a new guy who I had only heard about but never had the chance to meet. Adulthood slowly but surely got in the way of what was once a beautiful friendship and next thing I know, here I am writing about her as though she’s a memory while I stare fondly at pictures of her wedding I did not attend and her growing baby bump of a child I thought would always call me “Auntie Cieara”. I will admit that in the year and a half since she’s been married, I’ve mourned over our lost friendship frequently. I’ve realized that there is something about losing a friendship like ours that feels like you are dealing with the death of a loved one, a loved one who is constantly haunting you. Truthfully, this is a heartbreak that I don’t believe I will ever get over and the only way to really cope with it is to remember that while a beautiful friendship that is exactly the same may never come around, a beautiful new friendship can come from the ashes of an old one. I have my new roommate and soul sister to thank for showing me that.

#brokenheart

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itgirlscollection-blog · 8 years ago

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Ano ba ang "HUGOT"

Bakit nga ba halos lahat ng taong nakapalibot sa 'kin, konting kibot, humuhugot?

Alam mo 'yon?

Well,most of those" *hugots* are coming from barkada, mga hugot na basta maipilit na lang. 'Yung tipong 'pag bumanat 'yung isa, sabay-sabay nyong sasabihing "push mo te" o kaya"hugot" Nararanasan mo din ba 'to?

"I bet", yung taong bumabasa nito, damang dama ako. Tama?

Nakakatawa lang isipin kasi hindi lang sa isang tropahan "hit" na "hit" yung mga linyang humugugot. Mapa-nanay, mapa-tatay, mapa-kapatid, mapa-pinsan usong-uso yan.

Madalas din akong makaring sa mga schoolmates kahit yata mga teachers umuhugot.

Patok sa 'kin yung mga linyang "walang forever" at "walang happy ending".

"Favorite" ko 'yun sabihin sa lahat ng bagay, sumaksak na kasi sa isip ko 'yan, palagi ko ba namang marinig, maya't maya yan ang bukambibig.

I admit,Isa ako sa mga taong mahilig maghugot at example nito ay...

"Ganun naman talaga! May mga oras na kung kailanhuli na ang lahat,iniwan ka na, dun mo pa lang mare-realize na nagkamali ka".

Bakit nga ba tayo humuhugot? DALAWA LANG NAMAN 'YAN E.

*Una*, "Since" madaming sawi sa pag-ibig, madaming humuhugot. *Hanggang sa pati 'yung iba, nakihugot na. "Trending "na kasi e.*

Ganun naman pag may bagong nauuso, lahat gusto maki-"join". Walang magpapahuli.

Pangalawa kasi "bitter. "Oo tama, bitter.

Kaya lang naman humuhugot ang isang tao, kasi 'yung banat nya swak na swak sa naranasan nya o sa nararanasan nya. "Usually "naman kasi ang laman ng hugot ay mga mapapait na karanasan sa pag-ibig. Diba? Kumabaga, para tayong nakahanap ng"another way of expressing our feelings."Sa paraang medyo pabirong, seryoso, na hindi mo maintindihan. "Atleast" sa hugot, hindi masyadong "obvious" na may pinagdadaanan ka, kasi madalas, nagiging katatawanan na lang sa sobrang paghugot mo.

E kasi, masyado nga namang madrama 'pag nagmukmok ka lang sa isang tabi, o kaya naman umiyak gabi gabi

Kapatid, "okay"lang yan! "Atleast" nailalabas. Diba? Kaysa naman kimkimin mo lang! Edi ibanat mo na lang, nakakaluwag kaya sa puso! "plus!" Nako-"convert"" "pa yung sakit"into" "source of laughter". Natatawa pa kayo sa mga kalokohan nyo. Sanay kasi tayong pinangangalandakan sa buong mundo 'yung nararamdaman natin.

In the end, masasabi kong yung paghugot" in some way, ""new form ""of one's defense mechanism." 'Yung sasabihin mo 'yung nararamdaman mo,"in a" hugot "way", "a less revealing way of.."alam mo na."

“Don’t blame your friends, don’t blame love. Blame the guy who broke your Heart.”

#hugotfeels

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