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thanksjro · 4 years ago

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

207 notes · View notes

mostlymaudlin · 3 years ago

Note

Hey!! 17, 33, 38 for the fanfiction writer asks? 😄

SAM!!!! thank u my love my light

17) Post a line from a WIP that you’re working on.

“This is an intervention!” Fiona shouted. I looked up at her to raise a displeased eyebrow. She had a joint in one hand and a fistful of my wet hair in the other.

i will not be providing context :)

33) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

i get weepy when people say my characters feel like they're straight from canon. that seems sort of weird, since it's not like i'm building them on my own, you know? but i do a lot of back-end work to understand like: what makes simon and baz tick? what would they be like in this situation? what would they be like if they hadn't experienced this? so it's nice to hear that they feel genuine, because that's my intent. that's how i build characters in my original writing too -- it's important to me that they're whole, believable people.

38) If you could collab with any other writer on here, who would it be? (Perhaps this question will inspire some collabs!) If you’re shy, don’t tag the blog, just name it.

oh god idk. i've never written WITH anyone before! that would probably be very challenging for me, since i'm kind of a control freak hahahaha. my day job involves a lot of really assertive collaboration (put nicely) and i just think i would not be a fun writing partner because i like being able to have the final say in my downtime.

but i guess if i think about it... @palimpsessed and i could have fun because we both love digging impossibly deep into characters' brains, haha. also.... collab scooby fic??

i'd also love to write with someone who is more plot-y! a balance strengths. like,...YOU!!! also @snowybank @amywaterwings @captain-aralias @urban-sith

not that these folks don't do amazing characterization too -- they do that as well! but i really admire their ability to weave a complex narrative

#my writing

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fallout-4-freak · 4 years ago

Note

Hi, Winnie! (Cute name, btw!) I was wondering if you could write Fallout 4 reactions to a Sole that is BOUND AND DETERMINED to clean and fix up every single road she encounters - clearing up debris, chopping up fallen trees for resources, making bridges, filling in large cracks in the tarmac with cement until a better solution comes along, making signs and setting up better lighting/security points with Minutemen guards. This is basically me with mods and console commands, lol. It's a pet peeve.

Are... Are you me?? Half my mod load order is settlement/cleanup/etc mods...

(Also thank you! I’m honored you think it’s a cute name~)

Ada:

She’s quite pleased with Sole’s efforts to beautify the Commonwealth. It’s ridiculous that most folks haven’t bothered to tidy up their homes-- especially considering how much useful stuff can be found in the debris. She’s also proud of Sole for trying to make things safer for the people of the Commonwealth.

Ada will help Sole clean up, picking up the bigger items. If there’s something good that can be repurposed, she’ll make sure to let Sole know!

Cait:

It never bothered Cait, the state of the world. It’s what she grew up with, after all. She gets annoyed when Sole spends so much time picking up trash and fixing stuff. Cait will complain and beg Sole to move on, wanting to do literally anything else.

If Sole insists on cleaning the Commonwealth, Cait will wander off to make her own fun. Or trouble.

Codsworth:

He’s over the moon. Frankly, he’s sick of his cleaning subroutines firing off every time he and Sole explore the world. It’s about time somebody did something! How could people live like animals in such filth?

Codsworth will congratulate Sole on their efforts, and do everything he can to help them!

Curie:

She didn’t think much of the state of the world, until she noticed how Sole would go through an area and clean it up. Perhaps she was just too preoccupied with her research, or maybe she didn’t realize how the dust and grime affected her non-body. But Curie sure took notice of how nice things looked compared to the rest of the land!

If Sole wants/needs help, she’s glad to do so. Otherwise, she’ll just keep them company and discuss research or other interesting things to pass time.

Danse:

He admires their dedication to improving the world. As long as Sole doesn’t get sidetracked during missions, he’s fine with it. Most civilians don’t seem to have the discipline to keep things tidy, which annoys him... It’s a bit of a pet peeve, if he’s honest. After all, life is terrible enough. Why make it worse with piles of garbage and broken structures?

Danse will help Sole keep things clean, using his expert organizational skills to do so.

Deacon:

He’s always joked about starting a maid service after he retires from the Railroad. So naturally, when Sole began fixing and cleaning everything they could get their mitts on, he was fully supportive.

Granted, he doesn’t have a lot of time to help Sole... But he’ll try and keep them company if he’s free. Deacon will also find a way to put a team together for Sole, to help them get more done.

Dogmeat:

Any time spent with Sole is good time! He’ll happily run about as Sole works tirelessly, chewing on a baseball or teddy bear occasionally. Dogmeat will occasionally beg for pets or attention, but tries his best to keep out of Sole’s way.

He’ll bring Sole some cool treasures he finds in the trash, too-- a colorful hat, a stuffed animal, a locket, and whatever assorted goodies catch his eye.

Hancock:

Another companion who’s fine with the state of things. It never bothered him much before, but he understands why it would bug Sole so much. Hell, post-war America must feel like a totally different dimension to Sole. He’s supportive, though, and hangs out with Sole while they do their thing.

He also tries to keep his residence a bit cleaner from then on, out of consideration for Sole.

Longfellow:

He doesn’t get it, and he’s ‘too old’ to start caring at this point. While he might tease Sole about their penchant for home improvement, it’s all in good fun.

Longfellow will usually make use of the downtime and hunt, or drink. If Sole requests help, though, he’s kind enough to give it.

MacCready:

The guy lived in a cave town for years. Does he really care how things look?

No.

That being said, he eventually learns to appreciate the changes. It’s nice to not trip over huge cracks in the road every five seconds, y’know? MacCready will also help Sole pick through more promising piles of junk for ammo or valuables, earning the nickname ‘rat man’ in the process.

Nick Valentine:

He vaguely remembers what the world used to look like, and appreciates it immensely. So, when Sole decides to bite the bullet and improve the world, he’s pretty happy! It seems to mean a lot to Sole, so he does whatever he can to support them.

As long as there’s no active cases to work, Nick will help Sole and chat with them to pass time. He hopes that their work inspires others to take better care of the Commonwealth.

Piper:

Initially, she thinks that Sole is just trying to bring the old world back... Which is a clear waste of time. But Piper comes to realize that they aren’t trying to revert the Commonwealth-- they’re simply trying to improve the lives of others. She feels a bit ashamed, that she had so little faith in them.

Piper would never tell them that, of course. She’s happy they’re trying to move on, and that they’re making the world a better place.

Porter Gage:

Can’t be assed with this. It’s annoying, especially considering how many other things Sole could be doing. They’re the Overboss, for fuck’s sake. The safety improvements and raider checkpoints are the only thing he appreciates, because they reduce the chances of dying. That’s it.

He’ll take care of business while Sole is busy... Or spend time cleaning his weapons for the next job.

Preston:

He’s inspired by Sole’s efforts. While he’s never really had a chance to clean things up himself (considering how he and the last Minutemen were on the run for months), he’s wanted to for awhile. Preston never liked how dirty things were... Plus, the cracked roads and unsafe structures were pretty bad.

Preston is happy to help Sole, and organizes spare Minutemen into shifts to help them out. He’s hands-on, too, though. What sort of friend would he be if he had Sole do all the work?

Strong:

Bored to tears as Sole works their magic. Super Mutants don’t exactly care about how the land looks. Their living areas are full of trash and gore, after all. And safety??? Who cares???

Strong wanders off, and doesn’t understand why Sole is enjoying this.

X6-88:

He must admit, Sole’s work definitely improves the Commonwealth. It’s not nearly as clean as the Institute, but it’s something. While X6-88 doesn’t necessarily enjoy the Commonwealth, he has to spend plenty of time there whether he likes it or not. So, he’ll take what he can get.

X6-88 isn’t keen on helping Sole, but if they ask him to, he’ll obey. Usually, he spends the time tinkering with tech or, surprisingly, reading.

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countessofbiscuit · 4 years ago

Text

Suppressive Fire

(Sev/Scorch, E, 3.9k words)

Two bros, chillin' on a top bunk no feet apart 'cause they're vode. . . .

Fleet Support, Ord Mantell, barrack block 7 Alpha, six standard weeks after Geonosis

She’d be built like a tank. That was Requirement the First.

She’d be humanoid, or near enough. Her arms would number ... four. Yes, four arms, each of them doing something clever. Two to open my ass, two to pinch my nipples, her long tongue going to crazy town on my cock, burning off my pubes with her caustic breath—

Sergeant Draka. The near-human-tank was Sergeant Draka, sure as day.

Scorch grabbed this realization with one firm hand and tugged.

Her species was shab-if-I-know: some unhappy hybrid who’d washed up on the far edge of the Outer Rim and been scraped into one of those fringe clans that never removed their helmets. Her folks developed a reputation for ritualized kidnapping that didn’t sit right with Jango. He’d ripped Draka’s helmet off in a duel, apparently, and spending ten years training the spawn of her enemy was the price she’d agreed to pay to regain her honor. All those kids and nowhere to run: a bitter form of torture for both parties. Her trainees were an insular, silent bunch with a tendency to tactically acquire your shit when you weren’t looking, but they got the job done.

Scorch had first seen Draka at a parade for the prime minister when he was three. He’d never forgotten it: she had fangs and yellow eyes and ears that twitched at the tips like they were catching your current of fear. No wonder they’d encouraged her to keep a lid on.

Then Scorch was six and change and he’d stumbled upon her in a hallway. She’d had a cadet upside down, smoking him good for something. “What are you gawping at, Six-Two?” she’d snarled, her generous chest heaving, three spare arms tensing in his direction. “Shift it. Unless you want your balls torn off next.”

Scorch had been a little scared and a lot turned on.

Sergeant Vau didn’t have to use many words to put the fear of Fett under your skin. He was a conservative man. Sergeant Draka regarded a shebs-chewing as the highest form of oratory and her calling in life. Whenever Scorch stood downwind of her in the combat hall, he could feel his eyebrows being singed off a second time.

Sweating a little, Scorch’s core tensed as this fantasy tightened vividly in his holographic mind.

She puts two hands around my cock, one hand on my nipple, one hand clawing under my balls—

Scorch flipped her on her back.

She uses all four arms to spread her trunky legs, hairy as a man’s, wide in invitation—

“Knock it off,” barked Sev.

She was gone. In her place was the knowledge that his brother was clued in to what Scorch was doing on the bottom bunk and determined to make it stop.

But the pressure under Scorch’s balls held firm and his erection stood fast. Sev was an oaf with shit timing. There was a reason they gave Scorch the fiddly wires and det controls. He stretched his fingers and reset his grip. “Not happening, vod.”

“Do you have to be so loud about it?”

“Loud?” Had he said something? Lost control of his breathing?

“Yes. Loud. Like you’re slugging a hamm sandwich.”

Scorch frowned. “Have you ever had a hamm sandwich?”

“I don’t want one now.”

There was some improvement to technique needed there: Scorch was always open to feedback—to the challenge of reducing the marginal noise of a wank. “You embarrassed?” he found himself asking, strokes resuming. Less hamm-fistedly. His orgasm had slumped a little and he'd have to tenderly call it back up.

“I’m embarrassed for you,” Sev said.

Scorch closed his eyes, picturing something ...

Sergeant Draka was back, and now she was holding him and Sev upside down. The arrival of RC-1207 into the sim wasn’t throwing Scorch off. In fact, it was encouraging. Exciting. He even leaked a little at the idea. What was a commando without his squad? Chafed, apparently. He should’ve brought Sev into the game two nights ago, after they’d been rudely pulled from stasis in preparation for some op known only to Boss.

Scorch didn’t remember decant. But Sergeant Vau, who'd wasted no time rocking up to his watery exile when Jango had put out the word, said they’d been ugly, annoyed, and ornery. The nursery techs had given them mock, miniature Deeces to keep their fussy hands and mouths occupied.

Coming out of stasis had to be worse—they were issued Deeces again, but they weren’t left alone to soothe themselves to sleep with weapons. Now their waking moments belonged entirely to some Jedi named Zey. They’d been forced to run a gamut of proprioception and endurance tests, cleaned their spanking new Katarn and cleaned it once more for luck on Boss’s orders, and told to familiarize themselves with their upgraded HUD systems.

Scorch had and he'd found it wanting: no pre-loaded heavy-isotope bangers or high-definition tailhead reference holos. Did he have to do everything himself in this shabla army?

After submitting to all this with only mild complaint—Fixer had sworn in full sentences—the op order was still not forthcoming. Classic hurry up and fekkin' wait. Wait for instructions they didn’t even need. Coordinates, intel support, and a broad objective would have sufficed for a commando tasking: top brass still had a lot to learn. It had left Delta with more downtime than they liked and had left Scorch wanting nothing more than to take care of that perennial need in his groin. And each time, he had to get a little more creative.

“What’re you thinking ‘bout, Sev?” he teased, poking the boundaries of this sim. Longnecks hated that: it’s why they let the commandos have off-world field trips to forsaken places where they couldn’t peel back the corners without dying. “Something profane? Something a little non-regulation?”

“The shab is wrong with you.”

“I’ll tell you what I’m thinking ... ” The opportunity for candor—without Fixer on the opposite bunk telling him to pipe down or Boss around to make it happen—was interesting. And as far as Scorch knew, this slap-dash prefab of a support base didn’t have surveillance bugs like their dorms on Kamino. The range and assault course here weren't even specced for lasers; they had to waste live rounds on discs and be honest about getting locked onto. Not likely.

With nothing left to hide, Scorch rolled away from the wall and relaxed onto his back, his cock stiff and spry. He pulled his hood up and over his wet glans and back down again, as far as he could take it, skin smarting nicely at the stretch. He went on, “I’m thinking about Sergeant Draka.”

“Stop,” Sev said.

“Her thick thighs in my face—”

“Stop.”

Scorch spat in his hand and throttled his shaft. “Biting our balls … ” Okay, maybe that was a little weird. But if Fixer’s quick work of the base pyrowall in the anxious hours before chill-down was anything to go by, weird could be good. Better than good.

“Don’t make me come down there,” Sev growled. Not unlike Sergeant Draka, actually.

Scorch couldn’t help himself. “Oh yeah, do come down here ... ” He bucked into his fist, as if to jerk out that ball of bliss from behind his sack. The mass of him tensed rigid under one fixed goal. His fumbled around for something in the sheets with his free hand. “Come down her thick legs ... ”

If anything could singe Draka’s hairs, it’d be Sev’s spunk. Scorch loved a blast, but Sev would sprinkle baradium on his Oaties every morning if he could. Sev would spill like a gutted aiwha, animalistic and uncontrolled, and Draka would hiss and gnash her teeth and—

And suddenly, Scorch was over the line. His base clenched hard, choking his groan of release. He convulsed and came thickly into one of yesterday’s socks.

“Shab,” he croaked, his vision returning, his limbs pooling with pituitary pleasure. “Blew up real good.”

Somewhere above him, Sev huffed. “Three nights in a row. You’re disgusting—you know that, right?”

“Stasis, my shebs. I’ve never had such busy balls in my short life.” Scorch twisted languidly to the edge of the mattress and sat up, squeezing his cock clean. “Cooking blanks like they might get lucky.” The knotted sock got buried in tomorrow’s laundry and Scorch borrowed some of Boss’s wet wipes for the cleanup. Sarge wouldn’t miss them.

“The rest of us are fine,” Sev countered.

Scorch glanced at Sev over his shoulder. His brother looked like a corpse who’d taken up reading in the afterlife. Base bunks weren’t much cosier than a stasis pod, but something else was keeping Sev’s spine stiff. Something that might affect squad performance if it wasn’t addressed: a bad case of self-inflicted blue balls.

Scorch pulled up his pants and ambled over. “You know ... you say that. But this says something else.” He grabbed Sev’s perky junk.

Happily for his brother, Scorch’s grip was light. So when Sev knocked Scorch backwards at the throat, he didn’t take Sev’s sack with him. A scuffle ensued, half-hearted on Scorch’s side, though Sev was obviously in one of his fuck-off moods. He always was crankiest after a nap; it’d take him days to shake off stasis. And he was still pissed about Procurement’s theft of his helmet, with its authentic Gamma blood enshrined in red paint. That di’kutla squad had been shipped to Triple Zero, and until Sev butted heads with them again, he’d be as scratchy as a flea-bitten akk.

Using the shallow bunkrail, Scorch flung himself up and collapsed onto his brother, asking the cantilevered cot to bear the weight of two commandos. He was a trusting soul. The tussle continued until Scorch allowed Sev to secure a headlock, rather than drag them both onto the floor. They’d just gotten out of one unnatural bath and he didn’t fancy a dunk in bacta.

Scorch tapped Sev’s thigh. “Alright, alright,” he said hoarsely. Sev’s hold loosened a fraction and Scorch scooted out from it. Sitting up, he grabbed the holozine that had gotten pinned against the wall: some monthly edition of erudition that called itself Lasers & Blasters. “Didn’t know you could, Oh-Seven.”

Sev snatched the ‘zine to stuff it under his pillow. “It’s above your cadet-grade.”

“I think everyone knows you’re the knuckle-dragger around here, not me.”

“I think everyone knows I’m the hero of Geonosis, Killer of Sun Fac.”

Scorch made a theatrical noise that sounded like a broken, wet bes’bev. “Woo-hoo! You hit the broad side of a bantha!”

Now Sev really tried to catapult him onto the floor. But Scorch’s close-combat situational awareness noticed that his brother’s cockstand was holding strong.

“Sev,” he said, panting a little when they’d reached another stalemate, “the only people who know Sun Fac’s name are us, some spooks, and that random forward air controller.”

“Shove off.” Sev kicked him with his boot. He wore them to bed like an animal.

Scorch shook his head. “Not until you take care of yourself.”

“You have some shabla nerve, vod.”

“Rule 45: there should be no happier union than that between a commando and his weapon. But you’ve neglected yours.” He cast a judgemental eye at Sev’s tented pants. They’d been sleeping, shooting, and shitting cheek-by-jowl for their entire lives: Scorch didn’t know why one more bodily function would be that much worse. In that moment, he had more sympathy for his brother’s dick than his brother’s karked-up dignity. Or his own.

He glanced at the chrono. Boss and Fixer still had half an hour at the range and they’d probably hit the mess on the way back. Time enough for a little more equipment maintenance; Scorch believed he was being supremely generous offering what remained of his. He flopped over into a plank above his brother, who was still lying deathly prone. “If you’re not gonna help yourself ...”

“What?” Sev sneered. “You’ll do the honors?”

“Maybe I will. I am better than you, after all,” Scorch grinned. Suddenly, he sensed a game that he wanted to win. They were all like that. Competitive. Not so much against each other, but with each other. Getting screwy Sev off would be the ultimate victory: no one would lose and everyone would leave happy.

“You can’t.” Sev’s disinterest was as threadbare as his pillowcase.

“Alright, vod. I’ll take that bet.” Scorch dug the heel of his hand into his brother’s persistent erection. Sev’s eyelids fluttered. No greater tell in the book. “I bet I can get you off before Boss and Fixer get back. Just this once.”

Sev circled his hands around Scorch’s throat, hissing through perfect teeth bared tight, “You—can’t—Sergeant—Vau—would—”

Scorch scoffed. “You see Sarge here? He’s fucked off to his castle with his kaminii retirement fund.”

Vau had never promised he’d be there on the other side, but ... did he know they’d done a good job? That they’d been singled out for the assassination of the bugs’ chief lieutenant? That they’d survived—no, that they'd excelled, when hundreds of other squads hadn’t? Did he even care? Scorch had to wonder.

He shoved those thoughts aside with conscious effort; they wouldn’t do him any good. Better that Vau wasn't here anyway: he would sniff mightily at this interpretation of no brother left behind. “Hells, he’s probably rubbing one out to a portrait of the dead missus right now,” Scorch continued.

Sev’s grip tightened for their sergeant’s honor. “He wouldn’t—”

“He would. Stars love the old chakaar, Sev, but he’s only flesh and blood.” Actually, that’s all Vau was: cragged skin and blue blood twisted ‘round a frame that seemed to boast a few more bones than average. There must have been a heart in there, too—see: Mird—but Delta had spent their entire cadethood seeking it out to little good. Especially Sev, though he’d slot you for saying so.

Oh, Sev’ika: flesh and blood, plus a lot of bile and bad humor. He stank out the backend when he’d scarfed down too many ration packs, but what would splatter out the front? Scorch was beyond curious now, as he palmed his brother’s package through his clothes.

Sev’s hands held firm, but it was half-hearted, his thumbs only tickling his brother’s trachea. His nostrils flared. He was afraid. No, even better—he was desperate.

It was all the vindication Scorch needed. “That’s right—breathe. Relax. Six-Two’s got you.” He tugged Sev’s fatigues down, hitching the elasticene band behind his balls. Sev grimaced. Yeah, it might not be comfortable yet, but just wait; a little pressure there goes a long way.

“That hurts,” growled Sev.

“Gonna hand me the game?” If Sev had lost sight of his mission objective, he really was gummed up. “Jerking off through a fly feels like doing it in formation,” Scorch said.

Sev turned his head to the wall. If he’d done it at all, that was clearly how.

Scorch took his theoretically-identical brother in hand and felt the heft and heat of a dick that was still an inch left of familiar, however many times he'd seen it. Sev was throbbing. His hands fell away, as deliberately limp as the rest of him, like he was trying to absent himself from his body.

“So ... Sergeant Draka—” Scorch began, realizing he’d just been staring at his brother’s kad for longer than was right. He mentally constructed the fantasy again, deliberately this time, while he warmed up to the idea of working someone else’s shaft. Sev’s shaft. He imagined what Sev might like to hear, because Scorch sure as shab wasn’t keen on hardening up between his brother’s legs himself. That would just be strange. “She’s got you under two hands and a squawking bug under the other, honkin' great tits ready to smother the both of you ...”

Up until he’d found his brother’s cock in his hand, Scorch had fancied himself an honest commando. He really did. Then he had to close the dissonance between his not-insignificant-interest in Sev’s pink tip and, well, Sev: that awkward grump-a-lump who couldn’t look at a sapient or sentient, droid or organic, without scaring them away.

Scorch did it by telling himself this was just his own his cock in a mirror. A learning experience, if nothing else. And his tongue loosened to remember the bet. He began rubbing with intent. “She snaps its neck. Crunch. And isn’t that just your favoritest sound, Sev, ol’ boy?”

“Not her,” Sev said hoarsely.

Manda, he really was giving this to Scorch in the bag. “Who?”

“—don’t know—I don’t shabla know.”

“Easy, vod. You got a lifetime to find out. Well, half of one.”

“Shut. Up.”

Scorch changed the program and flicked a thumbnail right under Sev’s hood. Scratched out whatever dream Sev had building behind his scrunched eyes. It was irrelevant, whatever cleaned the pipes. If his brother didn’t want to say, who was Scorch to ask? The silky give of his hard-on and his nasally gasps vouched that Sev was having an a-okay time. Scorch wouldn’t have a hand, otherwise.

Sev bubbled from his tip. Scorch felt himself flush, but he was more intrigued than anything. It really was like watching a holo of himself. Obviously, Scorch was more handsome, mostly because he wasn’t a fucking psycho ... but a cock was a cock. He lengthened his movement with the slick aid of precome, fisting all the way down to Sev’s slightly lighter curls.

Suddenly, Sev’s fingers wrapped around his. For an alarming half-second, Scorch feared his wrist was about to be snapped. Goodbye dominant hand and superhuman reaction times.

But Sev just held on, eyes pinched shut, arm as unyielding as a barrel.

The situation became more straightforward. Emboldened by the team effort, Scorch stroked faster. Harder. He read the lines in Sev’s fierce face like a manual for a weapon he’d been handed five years ago. A clone lifetime. A batcher’s intuition. He shucked Sev’s sheath down as hard as he could. Twisted his wrist at the top further than Sev’s delicate skin wanted to go. Scorch figured his brother liked the bite of pain. “You feelin’ the heat? You gonna spill all over my fingers, Sev’ika?” he teased.

Sev heaved like he might throw up, and he coughed out only two words. “Do. Not.”

Yeah, he hates that kind of chummy osik and yakking. It was almost sad how much Sev knew what he didn’t want, but couldn’t voice what he did. Even Fixer grunted in approval when something wriggled across the ‘pad’s screen; at least he had some idea what kind of parts he fancied. It was a very broad pool.

Sev just looked embarrassed to be asked.

“Someone’s gonna love your shit, Sev,” Scorch encouraged, coming at it again from a different vector. If he didn’t show his wacky brother some love, who would?

Vau hadn’t been there to bestow that curt nod. They didn’t want to be spoiled. Scorch and his brothers weren’t Skirata’s pups: they’d survived Geonosis because they weren’t. But ... Delta was here and Theta wasn’t and Vau had no karkin’ clue what a close-run thing it’d been. Didn’t know how the knife-edge of his training had probably made all the difference and how chuffed they all were about it.

Or how Sev had made that one-in-a-million shot to Sun Fac’s fighter with half his visor splattered in bug spray. Scorch would remember that for the rest of his short life: angry tendrils of smoke rising behind Sev as he turned contemptuously away from his kill, his helmet gooey with Geonosian.

There were brothers, and there were your brothers: the ones who’d made you better just by being there beside you. Sev was one of those.

Scorch didn’t have to improv osik, now. The words came as easy as his muscle memory as he pistoned his palm along Sev’s angry cock. “Fuckin’ proud of you, Sev: bane of bugs and sniper extraordinaire. Wish Vau could’ve seen it, I really do. I’ll have CLONINT’s guts for rappelling lines for wiping Boss’s cache.”

Sev’s free hand had bunched into the sheet, his knuckles whitening. He stilled suddenly, tense as the second before the opening salvo. Here it comes.

“Ooh, so that’s how Sev breaks. Result!” Scorch had imagined Sev’s orgasm would be like squeezing blood from a stone. Not at all: it came as surely and naturally as his own. Scorch watched intently. Who knew their balls became one in the moment of triumph like that? As Sev’s practically disappeared into his taut body, Scorch had to think on his feet to save his brother’s freshly-laundered fatigues—or, on his knees and elbows, as the case was.

Thunking his other arm across his face, Sev lost the bet with a violent shudder—and without a sound, probably so he couldn’t say he’d enjoyed it. He squirted fully but cleanly onto the open spread of the ‘zine, thanks to Scorch’s management and direction. A long, messy line of cloudy white right across the cross-sectioned barrel of a Magna-Caster-100. Thank fuck for flimsi.

Shaking off Sev's hand, Scorch dropped the wilting cock. It was not attractive, and he prayed the ladies wouldn't think the same, warring with himself about whether he could succumb to the mortification of going limp in someone’s mouth. Maybe it was better to pull out and stripe them? It merited further research on Fixer’s ‘pad, just in case.

“Target softened. Should make things easier for you. Hope you took notes,” Scorch said, oddly transfixed by the description of the ‘Caster’s invisible quarrels he’d spotted on the page. He was growing itchy for a time-sensitive rummage—Scorch would wager his lower left nut that Delta could now go toe-to-toe with any of Draka’s squads for acquisition. With any luck, this mysterious upcoming op would net them some exotic toys.

He shifted his weight, feeling the need to move before that idea made him stiff again and everyone got the wrong impression.

“‘m not soft, di’kut,” Sev mumbled from underneath his arm.

Scorch patted his thigh. “Sure you’re not.”

“Getting soft will get us popped.”

Scorch was halfway off the bunk, but he stopped to squeeze Sev’s fucked-up head. “Hey, ner vod. Look at me—look at me,” he demanded. Sev let his arm fall behind his curls but he kept his gaze elsewhere. “No need to quote Sarge to me. Or go grey over stupid stuff like him.”

Stuff like distraction—a dirty word in Vau’s lexicon. What did they have to get distracted by, anyhow? Grainy holovids? They had enough room in their over-engineered skulls for a few of those, and if they ever got to touch the real thing, Scorch figured they wouldn’t lose their heads. Right? Civvies were so unexceptional, after all. Probably couldn’t tell a maranium blast from a benign xenon light sculpture. Brothers, especially your fellow commandos, were the only company worth keeping—even Vau said so, and Skirata had said Vau had wined and dined New Mando aristos and had bedded a fekkin’ princess in a past life.

Eventually, Sev’s sour mug puckered in something like thought. “If you fucked up my range scores, I’m going to piss in your pack.”

Scorch laughed, dumping his feet onto the floor and wandering in the direction of Boss’s ration bars. Mess was a whole two hours away and Scorch had a month’s eating to make up for. “Sev’ika, no one could fuck up your range scores. You just pregamed with Lasers & Blasters.”

The ‘zine smacked the back of Scorch’s head, wet side flat.

Yeah, we're still good, Scorch thought, as he finally manhandled his stroppy brother onto the floor. And we always will be.

(also on Ao3)

#republic commando #delta squad #repcomm #sev #scorch #clonecest #biscuit fic

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prorevenge · 5 years ago

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Hell hath no fury like a teenager scorned...

It's a long story, spans years of time. ~~~Cue hazy flashback to 1997/8~~~

Growing up, my family ran a business dealing with water and wastewater pumps. By the time I was in high school, I worked for them outside of school as needed, and I'd grown up around the industry. At the time of this story I was 16, maybe 17. I got a few funny looks out in the field sometimes, but normally wasn't a problem, this time, it was.

Many sales they make do are bids. You go to the builders exchange, which is basically a library for plans and blueprints. You pull the plans, get to the part applicable to you, and see what they want or need. Then you submit a price you think will win you the job.

Many times the plans will actually specify a model that meets their needs, in which case you bid that or a comparable one. Other times, they will give specifications and selection and matching is up to you, going through books and software for curves (chart that shows how it flows under load).

This time was the former. The job is a retrofit/expansion on the city plant. The engineer had specified a model of pump he wanted, and I'd matched it's specs. Put in a submittal for approval on the substitution as required. It gets approved and we are cleared to enter a bid.

We proceed forward putting together the bid. At one point, I have the plans in front of me and I'm looking at the drawings. I don't like what I'm seeing, which is a lot of pipe and a lot of distance. I check and recheck and come up with the same result. The total head (head is how far you're pumping, calculated by distance and including losses from the pipe) is too much for the pump that was specified, way too much. This puts the pump way outside it's curve, it's going to be deep into overload.

I used my corrected numbers and found a proper match, but not only was it significantly more expensive, but physically different, would require large revisions. So I put together a revised submittal with the numbers I ran, and the recommended pump. It included the math from the drawings and the curves. Faxed it over to the engineers office, then I called him.

It did not go well. Not only did he not listen to me, he was more than happy to lecture me. How dare I, a kid, tell him how to do his job. No, he would not accept any revisions or resubmittals, I had no idea what I was talking about and I, personally, was no longer to have contact on this project. He did not use nice words.

This couldn't stand, it was going to cause serious problems down the line. So I did the only thing I could think of, I found the contact for city planning and told him. Made it about three minutes into trying to explain who I was and why I was calling before he cut me off and told me to refer to Engineer and not to contact him again. Tried again for someone else later, did not make it past receptionist.

As. You. Wish.

I took the revised submittal and filed it in the back of the job file and moved on. (I wasn't needed for the rest and I had other things to do, plus school)

Fast forward almost two years, now going to college, still working for my folks as needed. Construction complete, get called in for startup. Goes smoothly as it should, and the countdown to destruction begins.

I think the first one went after about three months? Only made it that long because those pumps are very well built. Emergency ship in a replacement. Second one a week or three after, then another, and another, then the replacements start failing. The whole time, these are being invoiced including emergency shipping, and having to run out to start them up every time. They have no choice, THIS is the model the pads were cast for and the piping run for. You can't directly substitute something else, like, say, the correct pumps.

Then it gets really fun. They start returning the burnt out units for warranty.

The factory starts receiving these and tearing them down for failure analysis. I told our rep straight up that they were being run way outside their design point knowingly, he was not amused. Warranty is denied and they are billed for the diagnostic time and shipping. Manufacturer was in Germany by the way (shout out to the fine folks at KSB, love ya). These units are neither small, nor light. Plus these are being shipped as emergency orders. It's not cheap.

Warranties officially denied to the buyer. We tell them in no uncertain terms that this isn't a problem with the units. (this is now almost a year after the plant was due to come online)

Now the shit has really hit the fan. City council gets involved, because this is a municipal plant. Lawsuits are threatened, and a council meeting is scheduled to discuss further action.

I marked the day, and arranged with my teachers to take a few days off (didn't live close to home). Drove 3 1/2 hours to see my parents, and, to visit their filing cabinet. Right where I left it. Out came the revised submittal, and a quick trip to Kinkos (local copy shop) provided some wonderful blown up posters of said submittal as well as the proofs behind it.

The next day, I drove another 2 1/2 hours up to said City, had a lovely meatball sandwich at a restaurant right across the street from the council building and showed up to the council meeting. I even dressed up nice for the occasion.

I didn't say anything to anyone, just sat in the back in my chair with my rolled up posters next to me and waited. Took about forty minutes.

The council finally brings up the plant. Guess who comes up to testify in front of the council? It's Engineer.

He goes on for about ten minutes talking shit about our company and how we are denying the warranties. Basically states that the problem is due to the substitution and that our pumps were substandard.

This is a loss now counted in the millions between the downtime and replacement costs and rejected warranties, labor etc. Council swallows his bullshit hook, line and sinker. He sits down and the council starts discussing among themselves. This is my cue.

I stand up, approach the podium, and wait for them to notice me, doesn't take long as I'm a teenager in a city council meeting. I introduce myself and unroll the posters.

Me: Hi! I'm Crispy Silicon from Goingtoruinyourfuckingday! Before you proceed any further, you should probably have a look at this, which is the revised submittal I sent to Engineer prior to the initial bid. You'll note the date. Also attached you'll find the supporting calculations, relevant drawings from the original plans, and the recommendation of a larger suitable unit. You'll also see the fax acknowledgement sheet, showing it was received by his office.

Me: Immediately after sending that, I contacted Engineer directly and advised him of these issues. He declined, I was told outright to keep my nose out of things I didn't understand and to leave engineering to the adults. He was well aware the units would self destruct if run at this point.

Me: After that I called your planner, who refused to listen, and referred me back to Engineer.

Me: If you'd like, I'd be more than willing to contact our phone provider, so they can verify that fax and those calls were placed?

I'm grinning like the Cheshire Cat at this point and I'm not holding back the evil one bit. I'm sure I looked like a psychopath, couldn't help it, also didn't care.

Dead. Fucking. Silence.

Me: So yeah, the warranties are void as all of the units were operated well beyond their design point. I still stand by the revised submittal, so feel free to call when you're ready. I'll leave these here.

Still completely silent. The entire council looks like I just dropped my pants and mooned them. Then after a few seconds, one of the ladies on the council gave me a "Thank you Mr. Silicon. You can go."

I left my posters on the podium, turned and walked, made full eye contact with Engineer as long as I could with that same grin. He looked like he was probably going to vomit, didn't stick around to check.

Stopped by to give my folks a hug on the way back to school and that was the end of my involvement.

No idea what happened to Engineer or Planner, but the City paid every invoice in full without another peep. They had continue to purchase replacement after replacement to limp it along while simultaneously trying to re-refit the plant. They finally got it fixed after about another year, but by that time, I can't even imagine how far over the projected estimate they were.

(source) story by (/u/crispysilicon)

#prorevenge #by /u/crispysilicon #pro revenge #revenge stories #pro revenge stories #pro #revenge #last10

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dangerouscommiesubversive · 4 years ago

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Commie, do you have any recommendations on how to make the wrist and hands write and type longer? Writing and typing is fun (HAHAHA looks at all the lab reports and projects and programs) but wrists gets burned out too easily. How do you maintain typing so many?

Well, I do a lot of my writing during the work week, so some of how I manage it is just that I’ve got a lot of time in which I don’t have much else to do (my job has a ton of downtime). My job is also mostly clerical, though--that is, I do a lot of typing for that too--so I spend a lot of time worrying about my hands and wrists. I’ll be honest, I don’t take great care of them, but here’s some things that can help:

Proper typing posture--I’m lucky enough to have an actual desk and a decent desk chair (hoping to upgrade the chair soon); I know a lot of folks right now are stuck working at the kitchen table, sitting on the bed, etc. I won’t make assumptions about the space you’re working in, but if possible, make sure you don’t have to reach to type. Sit on a cushion or a dictionary if your chair is too short, or if you’re working on the bed or couch, prop up your computer on a pillow or a stack of books. (Those breakfast-in-bed trays are great for this too, if you have or can afford one.) Do your best to sit up straight and keep your forearms roughly level, with your wrists not bending too much.

Play with something--I keep a squishy stress ball at my desk*, it’s a nice dark blue and brain-shaped and came from the student counseling center where my little brother went to college. Squeezing it helps with hand pain, especially since I find if I tense my muscles deliberately, it can make it easier to then relax them. You can get a lot of things for this--regular stress balls, specialized hand-therapy balls that come in sets with different levels of resistance, putty that you can mold as you’re exercising, sets of hand therapy toys that you can loop your fingers into, squooshy plush, etc.

Exercise--There are exercises that you can do specifically to help with hand and wrist pain from repetitive strains like typing! They’re easy to google, but there here are some from the website Darebee: one for hand mobility, one to strengthen your tendons, one for wrist pain, and one for general hand strength. (I like the Darebee ones because they’re simple, you don’t need any equipment, and you can download little PDF posters that lay them out for you.)

Use a wrist support--For one, a wrist rest for your computer can be helpful if you’ve got the space for it. Also, though, if you can afford it, I’ve found that compression gloves work wonders--I need to find mine, actually, they might be with my knitting. (I have a number of hobbies that put repetitive strain on my wrists, it’s probably bad for me.) There are also heavier wrist braces designed for sleeping in, to help your wrists stay stable and heal a bit.

Take breaks--Very few of the fics I post were written in one go! I write a paragraph or two, I take a break, I write another one, I delete half of the first one, I take another break...you get the idea. If your hands hurt really badly, stop typing, even if it’s only for five minutes.

I hope this is at least a little helpful!

*I keep a lot of toys at my desk, my need to stim is powerful and continuous. Apart from the stress ball, I also have a hacky-sack (which I use like the stress ball, but it’s tougher), a one-ounce jar of Play Doh, two Signal Bikes, an Eyecon, a fidget cube, a fidget spinner, and I keep my crochet things on hand. If I’m not doing something with my hands at all times I get twitchy.

#anonamouse

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clown-femme · 5 years ago

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I'm just... miserable about my job situation

[[MORE]]

I know I whined about it a little but my old retoucher job was GREAT. Pay was good, no benefits and a long commute but I don't think I appreciated what I had while I had it because like, I was good at my job and had time to goof off and everything. I didn't hate it. I hated writing blog posts but I could live.

But they laid me off, the laid me off and then I was stuck working at goodwill which sucked, I hated Goodwill because they hired me for a position and then promptly never let me work in that position and instead stuck me in a department I couldn't stand for minimum wage and it was miserable.

So I apply to be a receptionist/office assistant at a lot of new places, I have office admin job and clerk job experience so like, yeah okay. Reception isn't the easiest gig in the world but every place has downtime and I can sit at a desk and maybe help with office clerk shit on the side like filing and ordering supplies, taking messages for folks. After months and months of applying I finally get something.

It's close, the pay is nice, there's benefits. But the thing is... I'm about to start my fourth week of work, and I haven't done any reception. I've been instead promoted without my consent to Assistant Customer Service Representative and I didn't want to be a csr I don't want to be a phone girl ever again, but they hired me because they were DESPERATE and now I have to BE THIS and I didn't want to be! They're making me do things I don't have experience in and am not confident doing and it's making me miserable to have another job I'm bad at and won't be able to use my brain right in and will eventually get fired from. I told them that I don't have any experience recruiting, but that's all they're having me do is recruit pharmacy technicians (it's a medical staffing company) and I don't like it. I don't like a single thing about it. I don't like that I was hired out of desperation. My coworkers don't say hi to me when I walk in and they don't even chat with each other, it's dead silent in that office and I'm self conscious of every noise I make because of it to the point to where I'm worried about swallowing water too loudly. I'm having trouble keeping my desk organized but I'm literally just not used to having so many fucking physical files to keep track of because a receptionist doesn't DO this, a receptionist gets a call and passes it back to someone who is able to take care of it. I wanted to be the one to pass the call, not the one to take care of it. I wanted to file and take messages and order office supplies, keep the office clean, make coffee for people, transfer calls, answer emails maybe, I wanted to schedule appointments and take meeting notes, but instead I have to be in the meetings and come up with creative staffing solutions and do phone interviews with potential contacts and I don't know how to do that and they're just sort of expecting me to.

My boss seeemed so happy with me at the start but I can feel her enthusiasm for me waning because I'm faltering so much and it's hard to keep up my peppy work personally when I feel like I want to die.

I'm TIRED of jobs I don't want and am not good at. I just want to work somewhere ill do a good job, I want to work where I know what I'm doing. The only place in three years where I've felt REALLY comfortable in my work was GSLove and they went out of business.

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sailor-cresselia · 5 years ago

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Zi-O 44: A Wild Plot Appeared!

Watched live. Had a lot of lag while it streamed. Very little idea what I’m getting into re: plot because I couldn’t understand.

Let’s do this.

––

We open with some rando track athlete losing a race because he tripped… and getting. Surrounded by a bubble version of Decade’s Dimensional Walls… Well then. That can’t be good.

Even worse is that he turns out to have been one of Sougo’s high school classmates, named Nishimura. Coincidence? Mayhaps. But he’s one of multiple people who’ve recently disappeared.

Geiz, naturally, blames the Time Jackers. He’s incredibly valid in that, as Woz agrees. After all, Swartz did just steal both Tsukuyomi’s and Tsukasa’s powers. Painfully on both counts. You know, because we really needed to see said power stealing again. Which we did. Because I definitely wanted to see Tsukuyomi screaming in pain and Tsukasa dropping to the ground again.

Junichiro, bringing out breakfast, mentions that Tsukuyomi hasn’t gotten up yet… and Sougo says that he hasn’t seen her since last night.

––

Okay, so. Serious question time. How long has passed since the last two arcs? Because the Den-O tribute was one day, June 9 or so, and led directly into the Another Zi-O II arc, which was… the first episode was June 30 and ran until July 14. Now, normally, every arc is two episodes or so – some of the plot arcs have been three. Each story is usually one, maybe two days, and they have two weeks of downtime between arcs. We just had two arcs take five weeks. So, ostensibly, it could be June 10 in-universe. This is why timelines for shows get confusing, and seasons of Kamen Rider usually end in-universe at least a month before the final episode airs.

Please let there be a time skip during this episode. I watched raw, but I couldn’t tell how much time goes by.

Alright, serious plot and chronology wondering aside. Sougo says he hasn’t seen Tsukuyomi since last night, and everything begins to shake. The three Riders run outside.

––

…That. That sure looks like a black hole. Or a wormhole. Neither is exactly unprecedented.

Oooh, and a big ol’ circle opens up, with circuitry patterns racing up. Wormhole it is. With a very blue-and-white Time Mazine dropping down out of it.

According to Woz, it’s an early model, from the 2050’s. So, good continuity nod. I mean, the title alone made it clear that Kamen Rider Aqua was showing up, even if the previews hadn’t shown him. And Aqua’s single appearance was in “Kamen Rider × Kamen Rider Fourze & OOO: Movie War Mega Max”, which I will be referring to as “Mega Max” because movie titles in this franchise are too danged long.

In Mega Max, Miharu Minato was said to be from ‘40 years in the future,’ aka about the year 2050.

And here he is! The good water boy! I mean, I’m not found of his armor – never have been – but his concept was always cool. He draws from the OG Showa riders using power from wind to transform, except in his case, he uses water. All we need now is someone to use earth in an old-school Showa Style belt and we’ll have a complete set! (No, I’m not forgetting fire. It’s implied in ‘Kamen Rider 1’, the Ghost spring movie, that Hongo can now use wind and/or fire for his transformation. Area cyborg is basically a literal phoenix.)

Turns out, the best water boy is here to bring Geiz and Tsukuyomi back… to… the future… Huh. Geiz has no idea who he is, so that’s interesting. He also has no idea why Miharu’d be bringing him back.

Cue Woz pausing time to narrate-

Wait hold on.

If the time powers are an inherent ability that Tsukuyomi and Swartz’s family have, and Heure and Hora got their time powers from Swartz… then where did Woz get his? We know he can at least manipulate time to some degree – not just for the recaps, but if I remember correctly, he’s been shown to at least be able to cancel out time stops.

Woz, whomst the heck are you?!

Okay, I’m just going to put that on the back burner for now and keep going.

––

Woz’s recap today shows the clock advancing again. And, I mean, it’s always at least been ticking in the background in his recap vault, but we don’t usually see the hands move. It always feels really ominous when they do that…

Basically, Woz says that Sougo has met many Legends, and taken their powers for his own. However, the enemy has effectively been doing the same. Now, Sougo’s journey is leading to the final battle.

We’ve only got a little over a month left, folks. Zero One starts September 1. That gives us… 6 episodes, including this one, and the Over Quartzer movie. …We don’t have time for this. Why were the ‘future riders’ necessary?! We could have gotten more plot back then, instead of how Shinobi and Quiz were basically filler! Okay, so Shinobi did establish Sougo’s future dreams, and Kikai established a little more of both Sougo’s backstory and powers… although I don’t think we’ve seen the dream thing since, so it winds up being a moot point anyway.

Hmph.

––

I absolutely love the Zi-O opening. Over Quartzer is a great song, and the sequence has actually bothered to update. My issue with Ex-Aid and Build’s opening sequences is that they just. Didn’t. The home releases included the actual sequences, as opposed to the movie-promotion versions that were in the aired episodes. But it made it apparent that they never finished updating them. Ex-Aid never included Taddle Legacy – the final form for the advertised Secondary Rider. (I still say that Taiga’s clearly the actual secondary plot and development wise, and Kiriya’s the secondary motivation wise. Hiiro is just there.) Build never updated with Cross-Z Magma, either. That opening kept freaking Cross-Z Charge through the end, even though he stopped using it like halfway through the show. You know. The form for the other Main Character. (Sento and Ryuuga are co-leads – they share the Main Rider spot, and you will never convince me otherwise.) Incidentally, Wizard never updated to include Beast Hyper… OR INFINITY. No, it kept the All Dragon form through the OP for the rest of the show after it’s debut, instead of. You know. The Main Rider’s ACTUAL FINAL FORM.

Yes, I’m bitter about that. If you’re going to do an updating opening sequence, then you ought to keep updating it!

Like, most of the phase two seasons are fine – they either didn’t make major changes to the sequence at all, as in OOO and Gaim, only minor changes when new Riders came in, aka Accel joining W, or kept up with the changes. That’s your Fourze, Drive, and Ghost. But Wizard, Ex-Aid, and Build didn’t.

Zi-O has! Each of Sougo’s new forms came and went – except Decade, I think, but that was more just a different Legend Rider power than an actual new form in itself. Zi-O II, Trinity, and Grand have all replaced each other as the show’s progressed. Geiz has always been in, and eventually got upgraded to Geiz Revive. When Hat Woz showed up, Kamen Rider Woz entered the sequence, and Scarf Woz eventually took over – his spot now shows Ginga’s three variants.

So yeah! The Zi-O opening’s done a way better job than the last two.

––

Heure’s running, but we don’t know from what. Or from who. Who seems to be a more likely option, seeing as he’s been deemed unnecessary by his boss.

Although, we can get a pretty good clue as to the ‘who’ as he climbs a set of stairs – because everything gets very slow.

It’s Slowdown.

Time for Another Drive.

Another Drive’s design is pretty neat! Roidmudes had… well, they had finger guns. There’s no way around phrasing it that way, they had finger guns, not unlike Deneb’s. Drive had a gun that was based on a car door.

Guess what Another Drive has on their arm. Go on, guess.

…Okay, it’s a car door. A car door with ‘keep out’ tape on it, which is hilarious. And – ohhhhh I couldn’t see this in the raw, but Another Drive’s ‘belt’? It’s a dashboard panel, the bit with the gauges. There’s a wheel hub sticking out of their shoulder, y’know, the part a tire attaches to. This is nice.

We waited literally the entire season for Another Drive and this beautiful literal car wreck was worth it.

Oh-hohoho and the face underneath what would be the helmet looks like a Roidmudes basic form, which is a great touch. Especially as a nod to the fact that Proto-Drive, the person partnered with Krim before Shinnosuke, was, himself, a Roidmude. This is a continuity nod in more ways than one, actually. The Drive and Mach equipment could still produce slowdown. Shinnosuke never did it, because he never would, and Gou only did it once, in his first arc. But they were able to…

And Another Drive can produce Slowdown in a Roidmude manner. The Another Riders are copies of their season’s enemies, after all.

With someone who can slow down the movement speed of everything around them…

It only stands to reason that they could cancel out Heure’s time stop.

In a COMPLETELY TERRIFYING MANNER, by the way! As in, Heure freezes Another Drive when they go to punch him, and runs off. Another Drive is still stopped for a moment…

Before their headlight eyes light up, and their mouth opens in a sort of a roar. One eye is white – the one that still has the headlight lens – and the other is red – presumably a busted taillight.

ALSO I’M NOT KIDDING ANOTHER DRIVE’S MOUTH ACTUALLY OPENS AS THEY BREAK THE FREEZE.

Facial articulation, be it CG or practical, is creepy. We had it with Another Build, and now we’ve got it with Another Drive. …Oh. And those are the first and last standard MOTW Another Riders. I mean, this is technically 19 down, Decade to go, but. Well. Decade.

––

Having made his escape, Heure runs to Hora, where they’ve presumably been hiding since Swartz pulled his ‘you have outlived your usefulness’ card. Hora’s surprised that an Another Rider would be chasing Heure. After all, Zi-O’s already got Grand Zi-O, so he should have all of the powers already. Why would there be an Another Rider at all? Heure suggests that it’s here to take the two of them out. Which, yeah, seems pretty likely. Swartz isn’t usually one to do his own dirty work.

Hora’s powers were taken from her, so what could Heure possibly do?

Hora, dear, I need you to stop putting Heure down constantly. Yes, he’s younger than you. Yes, he’s a little troll. Yes, he definitely should have booked it out of there after Swartz and yourself forced him into being Another Kikai. But he’s still good at this.

––

Back to 9-to-5, where Miharu’s saying that it’s a bad idea to interfere in the past, so he’s here to bring Geiz and Tsukuyomi back to the future. Geiz looks like he hadn’t even thought of that happening. In his defense, I’m pretty sure Geiz just sort of assumed he wouldn’t exist anymore after taking out Sougo before he could become Oma Zi-O, given that neither he or Tsukuyomi had an answer to the ‘and then what’ question.

Also, Miharu isn’t exactly one to talk about interfering in the past, given that he debuted via time travel last time. In his defense, it wasn’t exactly voluntary, and he was a bit ‘possessed’ at the time via a distinct overload of Core Medals.

…So, Aqua is in Woz’s book, but Geiz wasn’t? That’s just rude to the soldier boy. Although, all Wozes seem to be chronic liars, so he may have just been pulling one over. (More on ‘All Wozes Lie’ later.) But the book gives us a glimpse back at Mega Max – specifically; Miharu, his appearance as Aqua, and the shot of him leaving on his jetski into a time vortex identical to the one from earlier in the episode. That one has back-shots of the main OOO cast, because it’s archival footage. It’s nice to get that reminder that there were more characters in OOO than the Main Trio of Eiji, Ankh, and Hina. Date, Gotou, and Satonaka are all there, too, in their ass-kicking gear. (Toei please bring Ankh back we are begging you this movie was such a tease because that Ankh was from the future and disappeared immediately after this shot to go follow Miharu back and you are breaking my heart by reminding me of that and yes I am intentionally breaking everyone else’s hearts by reminding all of you of that so BLAME TOEI FOR NOT BRINGING ANKH BACK.)

So, yeah, Miharu acknowledges his own time travel incident, saying that he’s met past riders, too, and they shaped who he is. (Eiji I miss you!) But what Geiz is doing is different – he’s actively changing the past. Geiz says that’s what Swartz is doing, not him. But really, Miharu has a point. Both teams are basically just doing what they want. At this point, Team Zi-O is doing it out of necessity – they’re a bit stuck in this path, since it’s not like Swartz was going to stop, and would you want to leave Sougo as the only one fighting around here? No! No, you would not!

Geiz is pissed, as he is prone to being, when he gets compared to Swartz, and grabs Miharu by the jacket. All it takes is Sougo calling his name and a single shake of his head to get Geiz to let go.

Geiz please the Tsun-tsun act isn’t fooling anyone at this point. You like Sougo. I mean, I kind of ship it, but time travel plots make shipping a difficult task, so at least admit that you’re friends. Or, you know, use Sougo’s name. It’s been 44 episodes, and you’ve called him by name once.

…Oh no what if they’re saving that for when the time travelers are leaving for good. Because that’s almost definitely what’s going to happen at the end – they’re not going to be able to stay in 2019. They just… can’t. Causality won’t allow it, I’m certain. What if they’re saving Geiz finally calling Sougo by name, maybe even with a smile, for when he has to say goodbye.

Whoops I went and made everything sad.

Miharu also has something he’d like to talk to Tsukuyomi about.

Sougo: Where is she, anyway?

Seriously, how much time has passed?

––

Ah, here’s Tsukuyomi! And Tsukasa! They’re in the rain, on some sort of pedestrian bridge, which looks familiar for reasons I can’t quite place. I love that Tsukasa’s umbrella handle matches his outfit perfectly – it’s half the same black as his suit, and half magenta. Nice.

But anyway, she wants answers. Did he know that Swartz was her brother or not?

Turns out he’d figured it out, but not long before the others. When was the last time we saw him again? Because that was when he and Tsukuyomi went to her childhood home… Oh, right. That was Kabuto Arc, which… was the one right before Den-O. That would be about May 26, and since we’ve established that Den-O was June 9… if we assume that we’re still early June via episode-based time differences, he’s known for at most two weeks.

Tsukasa’s not lying, exactly, when he says that he and Tsukuyomi are the same, in that neither of them are from this world. He’s just not mentioning the assorted other ways. The innate spacial-distortion powers. The sibling with a variant on the same powers. The amnesia. Aforementioned sibling being jealous of them, and turning dark. The leadership role. Admittedly, I can’t exactly blame Tsukasa for not acknowledging his days as Great Leader Tsukasa, because it’s not exactly going to help his case right now.

Anyway, Tsukasa says that he wasn’t originally from this world, and that he came here to look into the space-time distortions. Tsukuyomi assumes he’s accusing Swartz – who is very definitely to blame – but Tsukasa is ‘leaning towards it being the Overlord’s fault,’ saying that Swartz is using it to his advantage. Which… isn’t wrong, exactly, Sougo’s definitely being used by Swartz just as much as everyone else has been, but it’s hardly fair to say it’s his fault. …Aside from the fact I don’t think Tsukasa has used Sougo’s name, either. Always ‘Maou.’ Always ‘Overlord.’ Almost as if the Overlord might not be Sougo.

And if it’s Swartz under the helmet, pulling the strings and, say, having swapped out for Older Sougo when they ‘saw’ Oma Zi-O transform when they met…

After all. We never actually saw Oma Zi-O transform. It was obscured by the explosions from Sougo’s attack.

Back to the show.

I was lying when I said I couldn’t place the bridge. I was pretty sure, but I didn’t want to say anything until I was certain. There was a whole lot of lag when I watched live, so I couldn’t be positive. But this is the same bridge that Tsukasa and Tsukuyomi were on when they watched what happened to Sougo after the bus ‘accident’, when Swartz did something to him. We still don’t know exactly what, but that purple light looks an awful lot like what he used on Daiki and Hora a few episodes ago. Not quite like what he did to Tsukuyomi, though – that was a little different, but I can’t put it into words.

According to Tsukasa, it’ll all become clear soon enough… that is, it’ll become clear whether or not he’ll destroy this world. Tsukasa, please, we all know you don’t know jack of what’s going on here, and that you weren’t actively destroying the worlds. That was just a side effect of something that was never made clear, some biology thing or power leakage or something like that. Narutaki’s just a tool who never explained anything, least of all what was going on. And it was implied that the whole… thing that happened W & Decade fixed that little… issue.

(Kamen Rider needs to stop with people getting stabbed, because I’m never okay with it, even watching things again, because it’s not okay and I’m pretty sure someone’s just into it or something on production staff. Like, I get it, a lot of people have swords, but that doesn’t mean they have to be used like that!)

Okay, Decade lore discussion being put off to the side…

According to Tsukasa, it’ll all become clear soon enough… that is, it’ll become clear whether or not he’ll destroy this world. But Tsukuyomi protests that – not because of the whole ‘why the heck would you do that’ aspect that most people would give, but because he’s had his powers taken. He says that doesn’t really matter. I mean, for all we know, the world thing wasn’t because he was Decade at all. He could go between worlds as a child, although he needed someone else to open the walls back then. Namely, his younger sister. Oh, look, the similarity thing comes back with his sister, who took over Dai Shocker from him. He could go through the walls she made, but she couldn’t, and she became bitter because of that. Sounds a little familiar, eh?

(See how I brought that back around? I said ‘off to the side.’)

Tsukasa, however, thinks that his power deal doesn’t matter right now. Tsukuyomi is a much bigger deal – just the fact that she’s here is a time distortion in and of itself. Neither of the two of them are supposed to be here.

––

Junichiro wants to know if it’s black tea that that one lady friend likes. This confuses the heck out of the three Team Zi-O boys – what lady friend? They haven’t had any women come, due to the overall lack of female characters in Rider except… for…

All three run out of the dining room, to find Heure and Hora in the main shop.

Heure’s asking for refuge, but Hora doesn’t seem to have realized that was his plan. But really, Sougo did promise to defeat Swartz, so it’ll just be for a little while, until then.

Geiz is basically all ‘Nope, not having this, you’ve made our lives hell, get out.’

But Sougo stops him, with a very good point. He’s being rash. After all, they’re not so different from him.

I’m pretty sure that Sougo’s not referring to the time-meddling that Miharu was talking about. I’m pretty sure it’s that they have nowhere else to reasonably go.

Sougo is such a good lad.

––

And then there’s a short scene with Junichiro… having conscripted Woz and Hora into making what appears to be okonomiyaki? Sure, why not. Also, he’s chastising Miharu for using a knife and fork to eat his. Hora wants to know why she has to be the one to do this. She didn’t even want to be here! Where the heck did Heure go?!

––

Heure and Sougo are overlooking the river.

Also FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. It’s evening now… on the SAME DAY WE STARTED THE EPISODE. I was hoping there was a time skip somewhere in here, between them taking Heure and Hora in and the okonomiyaki scene, but NOPE! Junichiro and Sougo are wearing the same shirts!

Anyway, this is a really touching scene. Heure’s kind of broken right now. He’d thought he could do anything, and looked down on everyone else, including Sougo and co. But it was all just a lie, wasn’t it? He and Hora, they were just being used, weren’t they? And now here they are, the time jackers looking for help from the person they were trying to dethrone.

Sougo says that it’s okay. After all, they’re working together now, aren’t they?

Heure thinks Sougo is either a complete idiot… or really does have what it takes to rule. Because they were bitter enemies, and now he’s helping them. Now he’s accepting them. Why would he ever do that?

Well, as Sougo says, it’s not that he’ll forgive them for hurting people – for hurting his subjects. But they were just trying to make a future in their own way, and he can understand that, at least.

According to Heure, it wasn’t even that in the end. He and Hora were just pawns, both brought here… from… different time periods. By Swartz.

Huh.

Sougo pauses, while Heure looks away. Maybe he was wrong, that the former Time Jackers and Geiz weren’t quite alike. Geiz has somewhere to call home, and they don’t.

They didn’t.

They live with him now. It’s not like Junichiro’s going to turn them away – he’s way too nice, too. So, let’s go help him out!

Heure, shocked that Sougo’s being so stinking nice, gets basically dragged off by Sougo, who’s wrapped an arm around his shoulder and is running off, ignoring Heure’s sputtered protests all the while.

Geiz watches from the bridge up above.

––

We come to a track meet. The same one we opened at. Nishimura doesn’t trip this time. He wins the race.

The faces of everyone else present are blank – in a censored manner, a skintone oval covering them, with little sparks of time-static every now and then.

Nishimura is estactic at having won.

Swartz is in the center of the track circle, watching, and saying that ‘this is his world’. His meaning Nishimura, not Swartz, for the record. I just can’t quite phrase it right. He’s speaking as if talking to Nishimura, but he’s not actually talking directly to him, just doing one of those observation things.

––

Back at 9-to-5, Geiz is on that couch in the dining room, pondering things, such as Miharu saying that ‘they can’t just keep changing time, so he’s here to bring them back’ and Sougo saying that Geiz has a home. He says Tsukuyomi’s name. It sounds like she still hasn’t come back yet.

Heure runs in, distressed.

Hora’s gone.

Sougo and Miharu – who, apparently, is also staying here for the time being – run downstairs, as Heure takes off, wondering what Hora could be thinking.

This house is getting crowded.

At least Sougo’s in a different shirt, and it’s daytime now, showing that we’ve had at least one day go by. So, that’s something, anyway.

––

Heure’s searching, panicked and panting. Where could she be? He sees her out of the corner of his eye, walking past him and out of side.

He turns around…

And Another Drive is there.

I didn’t notice this before, but the missing headlight lens? That’s sort of stuck on Another Drives jaw. It’s weird and I like it – Another Drive is, as I said, quite literally a mangled car wreck version of Drive, all dented and crunched metal, with visible wires and underbody elements. This is such a good design.

Panicked, Heure tries to run – he likely already knows that his time stopping isn’t going to be very effective, he probably saw from a distance that Another Drive can break out. Blaster shots impact on the door-arm. Tsukuyomi’s finally shown up, Faiz Phone X armed and ready.

Tsukuyomi tells Huere to run, and he books it out of there. She’s ready to keep fighting – and Miharu steps in front of her.

“You’re Tsukuyomi, right?” Another Drive’s advancing, and Miharu is starting to panic. “Ah, uh, hang on! I have to get these out-” He. He pulls out a pair of patterened boxers.

EIJI. Eiji you have never been a good influence. I mean, you’re a good influence in some ways, but also a terrible one in others.

Okay, for context on why Miharu would be calling a pair of colored boxers his ‘Brave Briefs,’ we have to go back to 2011, during Mega Max. (For the record, I can’t wait to see how O-T and TV-N translate that. I know that it’s basically a literal translation, but I just wonder what spins they’ll put on it.)

You see, Miharu is from 2050. He transforms using the power of water.

He is afraid of water. (Ankh, who is a literal fire bird and thus probably has no right to talk, thought this was hilarious. He got a t-shirt thrown over his head to shut him up.)

Eiji, being Eiji, told Miharu that he just has to do what he can today in order to see tomorrow. He’ll be fine as long as he has a good outlook and underwear for tomorrow. He also, helpfully, gives Miharu a package of new boxers, all in very eiji-like colors.

One of these is what Miharu has just pulled out. This is ridiculous and I love it. I also love the little guitar riff version of the old TaToBa jingle from OOO when he pulls them out to freaking look at them and gather his courage, and the medal coin-flip sound effect when he’s gotten said courage and starts to transform. And then he uses a very Showa-style pose as he transforms, with the same sound effect, or at least a very similar one, to Ichigo’s Typhoon belt, when his Aqua Driver activates.

Sougo and Geiz arrive on scene, and Geiz is confused as to why there’s an Another Drive at all. They’ve already gotten all of the watches, haven’t they?

Ah, right, Sougo probably hasn’t had a chance to tell them that summoning Drive didn’t quite work when he was in the future. He reminds Geiz now, anyway, that they technically haven’t actually obtained the Drive watch. Geiz admits, that’s fair, they kind of don’t have the correct Drive watch.

Time For Grand and Revive Typhoon!

Aqua is very, very confused. “This is Zi-O? Oh, man, time has changed way too much!” He’s just stuck watching as the guys have basically elbowed him out of the fight against Another Drive, and asks if he can just leave it to them. They barely even answer him, just basically telling him to go do whatever. So, he basically just takes Tsukuyomi and runs.

And then Another Drive summons a whole bunch of duplicates of Midnight Shadow’s and a few of Max Flare’s tires and whoops, now I’m really missing the Shift Cars.

––

Quick cut to Miharu and Tsukuyomi, where he tells her he’s come to pick her up from the future.

––

Back to the fight, where it turns out that even Revive Typhoon can not stand against Slowdown. Geiz is still moving faster than most people, but he’s still not making any progress.

Also the door is still a gun.

Suddenly, as Another Drive is about to beat the tar out of Geiz, who’s still stuck in slowdown, it’s Another Drive who’s frozen. Turns out that Heure’s not fond of being rescued, or maybe just not fond of owing.

Another Drive breaks out of being stopped just in time to be hit by Geiz’s finisher and one from Grand Zi-O’s use of the Steering Sword.

Hora stands up from the flames.

––

With Miharu and Tsukuyomi, we get some lore. Tsukuyomi’s family apparently ‘rules over time.’ Since she’s from the future where he exists, her being here is locking Sougo into the future where he becomes Oma Zi-O. You know, the thing she’s been trying to prevent.

Her and ‘her brother’ absolutely should not be in this reality – they’re from a different one, and as per what Tsukasa said, them being here is a distortion in and of itself.

Interestingly, Miharu is here to take Tsukuyomi and Geiz back to the future. I can’t tell, but I think that he thinks they’re siblings. WHICH HOO BOY PLEASE DO NOT.

It’s her and her powers he has to bring back most of all – but that’s going to be a little difficult. Swartz – her brother – stole her powers after all.

Miharu is very, very confused again.

––

Hora doesn’t answer when Heure asks what’s going on, just turns and walks away… as Swartz walks up.

He’s going on about how Heure’s been naughty, and asks what on earth Sougo – a pale imitation of Oma Zi-O – can do against him. And then he says that he’ll show them all the power he’s obtained.

Swartz pulls out a watch, and puts it against his chest.

Introducing: Another Decade.

I don’t have much to say about Another Decade’s design, honestly. It’s not exactly that great, just… y’know, a basic Corrupted Rider design. …Why does he have teeth? Like, regular bared teeth? And why is the driver basically a mouth? The green bits on the sides of his head – those are the lenses on the mask, just extended out – and they glow, too, along with the actual eyes.

Actually, he has the Decade transformation sound effects playing underneath the Another Rider transformation, doesn’t he, to go along with the cards flipping away and back over onto him from Decade, and the sort of after-images fading off in the distance as the transformation completes.

…Okay, I guess I had some things to say, after all.

Swartz – Another Decade – you know what, I’m just gonna call him Swartz, because it’s a little shorter. Swartz opens a dimension wall, and moves himself, Sougo, and Geiz to what looks like the same quarry from the Rider War, all the way back in Decade. It’s doing pretty well, honestly. It’s got some nice greenery coming in.

Well, up until Swartz started setting off all of those explosions, anyway.

Then, because apparently they were being too boring to fight, despite his having just set off no fewer than seven explosions, he decides to summon up some Dark Movie-Exclusive Riders.

Everyone, say hello to G4, Fuma, Dark Ghost, and Rey, from Agito, Ex-Aid, Ghost, and Kiva respectively.

All of whom are doing a pretty good job of beating up Grand Zi-O and Geiz Revive Typhoon.

And then G4 feels the need to pull out a MISSILE LAUNCHER. Wh- Where did he pull that from!? Why does he HAVE that?! What was going ON in Agito’s movie?!

We end the episode with our boys getting blasted by, I feel the need to emphasis, LITERAL MISSILES.

––

As for the preview, it opens with Aqua versus ETERNAL. You know. The guy from the W summer movie. Who, like several people we’ve met this season, is supposed to be very, very dead.

And it’s not even just a summoned version of him, either. It’s straight up Kasumi Daido. In person. Somehow. Thanks Swartz it’s not like this guy isn’t off his rocker at all. It’s not like he was willing to kill the entire city of Fuuto just to see if any of them would wind up in his weird undead state. Not like he was going to use Philip as a conduit for the program to do it or anything. Nooooo, not at allllll.

FFS we could have had proper Double rep, and you give us him.

We’ve also got shots of Another Decade holding Tsukuyomi up by the neck, and Heure looking very very injured while being cradled by Sougo. KID YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT A LONG TIME AGO!

The second to last shot is Grand Zi-O and Drive punching Another Drive… while moving in the exact same manner. As if one is just mirroring the other. …Dang it, it’s not actually Shinnosuke in there, is it? We’re just dealing with the same thing as Decade Complete, where he summons a copy of the Rider and they attack simultaneously, with the summon just copying his movements.

The last shot… is Geiz, silhouetted against the window of 9-to-5. Saying “Let’s go back to our timeline.”

––

Okay, so… @Miyukomatsuda and I were talking earlier – we watched the livestream together, and earlier tonight we got to talking… and. Uh. So, Swartz can pull people out of other timelines and realities, yeah? Because that’s what he’s done with multiple people. That one athlete in this ep, and now we find out both Heure and Hora, and, of course, he dropped Tsukuyomi into the Oma Zi-O timeline. Which… may not be the original timeline.

But there’s another timeline involved in all of this, too. Or so we’ve been lead to believe. See, one idea in an AU that Miyuko had was having Hat Woz pulling her characters AR counterparts out of their worlds and dumping them in the main line.

Turns out she just had the wrong guy… the guy who I then suddenly remembered something about.

––

Miyuko: I WAS FUCKING SO CLOSE

Miyuko: I HAD THE WRONG BASTARD

Cressy: Y'know. the guy who called Swartz 'sir swartz' OH SHIT HAT WOZ IS THE WOZ FROM SWARTZ AND TSUKU'S TIMELINE

Miyuko: BUT HE FADED AWAY

Cressy: IRRELEVANT

Miyuko: BECAUSE REVIVE DIDN'T HAPPEN

Miyuko: oh GOD

Cressy: GOT YANKED OUT BY SWARTZ. REVIVE WAS A PLOY

Miyuko: FEAR

Cressy: JUST LIKE CHOOSING A KING

Miyuko: HE LIED

Miyuko: WE KNOW ALL WOZ'S LIE

Cressy: I MEAN HE DID SAY "NOT NECCESARILY SALVATION FOR EVERYONE"

Cressy: oh shit 'a peace like time has stopped.' aka swartz and tsuku's main power

Miyuko: HOLY SHIT

Miyuko: ZI-O if you bring back hat woz

Miyuko: also so. Swartz's just spiriting away people huh

Miyuko: i uh like none of this

Cressy: i mean we never DID find out if Tsukasa and Daiki are summoning duplicates or the riders themselves

Cressy: so whomst the hell knows

Cressy: we're fairly certain SOUGO'S yoinking the actual riders, so Another Decade could really be going either way

Miyuko: Yeah

Miyuko: Eternal is apparently the real dude

Cressy: THIS IS FINE

(see, told you i’d get back to ‘all wozes lie’ at the end.)

#kamen rider zi o #kamen rider decade #kamen rider aqua

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go-diane-winchester · 6 years ago

Text

Misha Collins cant keep track of his own lies.

Misha ''I was a homeless kid' Collins was interviewed by an art magazine, because apparently he is very artsy fartsy. Whilst given the opportunity to speak about his supposedly favoritist subject: himself, Misha couldn't remember all the fallacies he had spouted over the years. I guess Misha figured his mostly underage, deranged fanbase might be too busy, furiously fingering themselves to badly written fanfiction, to actually read something from an intellectual source. Something tells me that, just like in the mugging case, this reporter wasn't quite buying his lies. Here are some of the highlights, with Misha's self-indulgent rambling in italics, and with my running commentary in bold [the interviewer is in bold italics]:

''Like most kids, I liked making things with my hands, and my mother helped facilitate this when I was pretty young. But I followed that impulse to an apprentice-level devotion. I would seek out woodworkers when I was 10 or 11, going into shops and learning how to use a lathe or – just asking. I grew up in western Massachusetts, and by the time I got into high school I was fully into this – just talking to people and learning things from them in person.''

So his hippy, drug addict mom who stashed pot down her youngest child's underwear for fear of being arrested, and who, for a short time, raised poor Misha in a car, honed his artistic skills when he was pretty young? When? When they were living in the woods? And using a bowl of ice as a refrigerator? So either his story of his childhood is greatly exaggerated or....yeah, that's all I got. How gullible does he think people are?

Then in high school, I needed a job, so I started doing some manual labor.

So whilst at his elite private school, where there are rich dads and moms dropping off their darlings every morning, Misha chooses manual labor. He likes to talk to people but he didn't speak to Mr and Mrs Moneybags? He could have been a petty gopher in one of their companies and fared better. After all, he needed a job. I wonder why he chose ''manual labor''? And why he chose to word it like that, instead of saying ''I became a carpenter's apprentice''. I guess it sounds honorable. That's is nothing dramatic about saying that you flip burgers at McDs. Saying that you work in a menial, underpaid job for a multimillion dollar company, does have a more dramatic feel to it.

I built that barn on my mother’s property. Our house had burned down, so with the insurance proceeds, we built that and...

Wait, wasn't Misha's mom a pothead who lived in a car for some time with her two children? Now, not only does she have property but she has the money to pay for insurance. When did you live in the car, Misha? When the house burnt down? Why didn't you live in that house you showed footage of, on twitter? Its a nice house, complete with Christmas stockings. It doesn't quite gel with your underprivileged childhood narrative, but nice nonetheless.

I worked a lot when I was in college, probably 30 hours a week most of the time. I did some handyman stuff, some carpentry stuff. After sophomore year, I took a year off. I interned at the [Clinton] White House, worked at NPR, became an EMT, started a summer camp for kids. It was a great year.

What is he? A career whore? So he was artsy fartsy, but he worked everywhere doing jobs that were unrelated to each other, instead of staying in his field of carpentry, and making money from that. He got EMT certification. Was it free? Did he pay for it with his tuition fees? What was the purpose of it, if making money for fees was of paramount importance? That doesn't make sense, because if he was working 30 hour weeks, when did he have time to study? The average work day is a tad longer, about 40 hours a week. And if he was studying and working, when was Superman sleeping? Why was he working so hard? To put himself to college, don'tcha know. Even though colleges offer student loans and don't accept their fees in installments. And yet, he took time off for one year after sophomore. Was it to make a lot of money for his tuition fees? Nope, it was to become an EMT and start a summer camp for kids. I guess summer camps are big business and you can pay off great debts if you start one. Good to know. His internment at the Whitehouse only lasted four months, and yet he has acquired all the knowledge there is to acquire, to become a political knowitall on twitter. Sidenote: Is it normal for internships at the Whitehouse to last, such a short time. I am genuinely curious, because it doesn't sound right.

This is where I think the interviewer started to sound like she was side-eyeing the wood working maestro and his yarns of tall tales.

After graduation you got into acting, and in 1999, you moved with Victoria to Los Angeles for film and television work. There, in 2001, you bought your first house. Tell us about it. You were a starving actor?

Yeah. Right after we bought it, our realtor said, “There’s a TV show that would like to shoot your house.” They brought this [house-hunting] couple through, and when we saw the episode, they had surveyed the house and were like, “We don’t want to touch this piece of s---.” It was a real wreck, had been seriously neglected. It was built in the 1920s, and built by people who weren’t carpenters, didn’t know what they were doing. It was built so poorly, and everything was sagging – the window frames, the eaves.

Can you believe that? The starving actor bought a house. Let that sink in. He recognized that the house was built by non-carpenters [how was this building standing. Twas a miracle, I tell you.] And despite being a starving actor with a small amount of money, and a knowledge of carpentry, he bought a house that was badly built by non-carpenters. So he knew he was buying a liability. Why?

The kitchen floor you put in is beautiful. Yes, that’s gunstock, from a gun manufacturer in Northern California.

Mr Gun Free supporting the Gun manufacturing industry. Man, this guy is a hypocrite.

You lived in that first house for 11 years. Do you still own it? We rent it out to some lovely people who love it, so it’s good.

Fun fact: Mr Humble Pie has two pieces of property. And he is making money off of one, but he chooses to attend cons with the same torn T-shirts from years ago, or has to fleece off of Jensen's wardrobe and generosity, otherwise he would be doing his panels naked, poor thing. Why doesn't he stop his cruises for a year, and use that money to buy decent threads? One shirt can last a few years. The lies are embarrassing, but miraculously his minions believe him.

On the way to this house, you became very successful with this hugely popular TV series. Life changed. Do you still manage to make time for handwork?

Yeah. I’ve discovered that I really like working. Work can be respite for me, and switching gears is really key. Going from working on scripts to working with my hands is therapeutic, for sure. I am still managing to work with my hands. I was just doing some woodworking yesterday. I do a lot of cooking. That’s a big part of my life, and also I think a barometer of emotional health. When I’m not cooking, it’s a sign that I’m too stressed out and I’ve got to dial things back a little bit. I do a lot of canning. I put up 120 jars of blackberry jam this fall.

What an irony! One of the greatest instigators of stress for his co-workers and their fans, gets stressed out himself. Yeah, guilt can do that. Plus, he likes quantifying accomplishments. That is why Gish exists. Quantity over quality.

Which artists inspire you? I love Christo and Jeanne Claude, because of the mind-bending scale on which they’ve created things, like they’re rethinking what’s possible. I’m somebody who kind of likes to break rules, to bend rules when appropriate.

I could write a whole big post, on Misha's rule breaking and bending. From stealing Whitehouse property [and bragging about it] to telling fans about the scratched line in the Crypt which got Jensen a barrage of abuse on Twitter. The one thing that he spoke about that doesn't make sense is his story about almost getting arrested for reading a book on a building rooftop. It makes no sense. There is a portion of the story that is missing, I'm sure. Misha is a great exaggerator.

Have you turned any Supernatural castmates on to craft? On a set, there’s tons of downtime, a lot of sitting and knitting and crocheting. And I have occasionally been in the mix there. Last year Jensen [Ackles], my co-star, walked up and saw me knitting, and he just looked at me and said, “Really?” But I could tell there was jealousy behind it, more than criticism. So I’ll teach him to knit, and it’ll be fine. We’ll get through this.

Will you look at that? There are around 70 people on set at any given time. Many of them must have seen Misha knitting. And look who Misha decided to mention. Was that a ''just in case, a nutty heller is reading this'' insertion? No mention is made of Jared, because who cares about him, right? Got to give the crowd what they want. I am side eyeing the knitting claim myself, because I do knit and having seen a photo of him knitting, I can safely say that, that is not how you grasp at the yarn. You knit with loose fingers because yarn is abrasive.

The first big project we did with Random Acts was we built an orphanage and community center in Haiti. I would not have thought that was a tackle-able enterprise if I didn’t have a background in building. Our biggest fundraising driver for the projects that we do – like building a school or an orphanage – is we bring folks down in groups of 25 or so to Haiti or to Nicaragua, and they help in the building process. We roll up our sleeves and get our hands dirty.

Wow, he built the 500K orphanage with his own hands, but didn't think about lights for the children. His response regarding the lights was ''it's Haiti and it takes three f*cking years to get an electrician''. Wow, I am a third worlder too, but we have electricians. How backwards is Haiti that he couldn't find a single electrician in the whole country, to light the place up for the poor orphans? He couldn't squeeze in one electrician in the group of 25 or so. Are there no philanthropic electricians in his circles? My word, electricians are such selfish people, don't you think? They don't want to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty. Why couldn't he just pay for one instead of waiting three years? Fun fact: According to their website, the orphanage, aka, the Jacmel children's center houses only 15 children, but another page says there are 27 children living in the house. They don't know how many children they are looking after. But that is still a small amount. So where did all these kids go?

Misha either staged this picture with school kids on an excursion or all those kids got adopted by the staggeringly high quantity of rich couples living in Haiti, right Misha? SMH

This question made me smirk. The interviewer had to know Misha has never been to public school. Look how Mr Bleeding Heart answers the question.

As we know, art programs in K-12 public schools these days are in decline, especially shop class, manual arts. How can we nurture creativity in kids, and why is that important? When I was 9 years old, I had a paper route. One day my younger brother and I were collecting money, and Mr. Haigis answered the door. He started talking to us, and he discovered that our parents were separated, and we didn’t live with our father. In the 1960s, he had run a woodshop for little kids. He had stopped doing it because he got busy with his career. Now he was retired. These two boys show up delivering papers on his front stoop, and it just comes to him: “I’ve got to do the same thing for those kids.”

So Mr Haigis left all the poor, underprivileged children and decided to help these two boys who were going to an elite school? Sounds legit. What about public school children, Mr Haigis? Don't you care about them?

I was a starving actor for at least a decade.

Misha was a starving actor who worked on 24 projects before getting SPN, but he still managed to buy a house. Fun fact: he was an associate producer on a docu-movie, ''Loot'' which won best documentary at the LA film festival. His movie didn't need sock puppets to win this one. Misha should produce more. That way he wont be on screen, festering up the frame. The less we see of him, the better.

http://www.jacmelchildren.org/about/team/

http://www.jacmelchildren.org/

https://craftcouncil.org/magazine/article/builder-baker-angel-maker

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cheapvpshostindia3509-blog · 5 years ago

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slyke25 · 6 years ago

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2016 - The End

On January 18, 2009, I walked down to Great Scott to see the Scottish band, Frightened Rabbit, and brought my trusty little point and shoot camera. I arrived early, secured a spot against the stage, and snapped a few photographs and videos. I enjoyed the show so much, it ultimately inspired my first ever concert review post, and I wrote a few short paragraphs, posted one photo, two videos, and it would be the start of an amazing seven year journey

Fast forward to 2016. I’d been covering shows on my site for seven years, and sadly my heart just wasn’t in it anymore. It’s fairly common for people who post regular online content to feel this way from time to time, and there were definitely occasions over the years when I took a break to evaluate things and recharge. However, this time was different. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a rut from which I was going to emerge.

Since the beginning of this blog, I was always progressing, covering bigger shows, taking better photographs, upgrading camera equipment, building relationships, discovering new bands, etc. I felt my progress had plateaued, and essentially I’d accomplished what I set out to do in the beginning. I was a one-man show, and the amount of work was becoming a bit much. I guess I could have tried taking things to the next level by bringing on a few more people to cover shows, as I’d occasionally get emails from people looking to help, but I just didn’t feel it was the best thing to do.

The bottom line is that this takes a lot of time. I’d arrive early for shows, take photos, record videos, go home, edit late into the night, arrange, upload, and post. All for free. Sure, I’d often receive free tickets to shows, which was great, but when you do the math, it’s actually not much compensation for the etime invested..

This was never about the money for me, and I never made a cent doing this. It was about the music, experience, art, progress, and passion. I couldn’t help but feel I was now slowly going through the motions, covering the same bands over and over, and the new music and artists didn’t seem to connect with me like they once did. I guess I was at the crossroads, and in the words of the late Tom Petty, it was “Time To Move On”.

It's time to move on, time to get going What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing But under my feet, baby, grass is growing It's time to move on, it's time to get going

Concerts were something near and dear to me, and all of a sudden, I found myself becoming less and less interested in covering them. It sounds laughable, but in seven years, I managed to burn out on free concerts and taking photographs.

The positives of this are priceless, and I’ve already talked about many of the shows that were memorable to me over the years. However, I want to mention a few of the negatives for me, as I think it’s part of the story, and relevant to where my head was at in 2016..

The Shot - in early days, experiencing the show and music were priority number one. I’d take a few point & shoot photos and record a few videos, but It was a fairly very simple process that didn’t take much time away from the concert experience itself. After I upgraded my camera and lenses, I felt like I was spending too much time behind the lens at shows, essentially missing key moments of the very show I was attending. I tried to be conscious of it, but I definitely regret not putting down the camera more to get truly lost in the music, instead of opting for the digital memory. Then again, one might argue that without the photo pass and camera, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to attend many of the shows in the first place, so I guess it depends on how you look at it, but I still feel I could have been better and wasn’t truly immersed in the music at times, especially at the end.

Too much time on the computer - I was working a 9-5 job on a computer during the day, and spending even more time on computer editing photos at night, wasn’t healthy. If I wasn’t editing, I was researching new music, sifting through vast amounts of emails from publicists, because after seven years, I seemed to be on everybody’s PR list (I’m still get emails today).

Publicists – I had the pleasure of working with many publicists that were awesome at their job, but I also dealt with a few that weren’t. In the early days, if I had a email confirmation from my original request, I’d just stroll down to the venue with confidence, only to sometimes have an issue at the box office. There’d be a photo pass but no ticket, ticket but no photo pass, name not on the list at all, etc. This didn’t happen often, but definitely more than it should have, and I quickly learned to to confirm with every publicist the day of the show to minimize these mishaps.

Competition – There really weren’t very many Boston music blogs or publications covering the same shows/music as me in the beginning, so there was less competition for photo passes and tickets. As time went on, more blogs and publications appeared, and I was now fighting to get approval for shows.

Rude Concert Goers – For larger shows, there’d typically be a photo pit barricade in front of the stage, which was the designated area to take photographs without having to be in the crowd itself. It was nice because I could take my time getting to the show, and walk right in to the photo pit before the opener. However, at smaller shows, there’s no designated photo area, and if I wanted decent shots, I had to get in line early with the other fans to secure a spot in front of the stage. Nothing would piss me off more than getting to the venue at 6, waiting in line until doors open at 7, secure my spot against the rail, opening band comes on at 8, next band, 8:45, and then right before the headliner takes the stage at 10.....several drunk idiots think it’s the perfect time to aggressively work their way to the front of the stage, where people have been patiently waiting for four hours. Thanks to these fine folks, my personal space is now reduced to zero, and I’m stuck elbow-to-elbow with an off-key singing, booze-ridden fan. Good times.

The music – I’m just going to come right out and say it. I think the music scene for the last three years has been somewhat lacking for the indie rock/folk scene.. Yes, there have been some solid bright spots, but I just feel like it’s an overall decline from the decade prior. Even established bands with great music have been releasing mediocre new albums, and some of the upcoming bands people are talking about just aren’t really connecting with me. Maybe I’m old, I don’t know. Honestly, I feel like I haven’t missed much since 2016.

So that’s kind of where my head was at this time. Again, the positives of having this blog were amazing, but it had to end. The question now was when would it end?

After I posted photos from the Frighted Rabbit show at the House of Blues on May 9, 2016, I had a bit of a nostalgic moment. Seven years prior, this same Scottish band was playing Great Scott for a mere 250 people, and now they just played the House of Blues for 2500. Pretty impressive. I then revisited my photos from the ‘09 Great Scott show, and saw how far I’d come in seven years. I went from covering concerts in tiny sweaty clubs to obtaining photo passes and press credentials for much larger artists and venues.

After Frightened Rabbit, I intended to cover a few more shows, and ideally wanted to end this blog by covering the Newport Folk Festival in July, which I look forward to every year more than anything, as it’s provided many of my favorite music memories. However, it wasn’t meant to be, as the timing wasn’t the best, due to upcoming travel. I was going to Alaska for ten days, and had a few other trips, so in the end, I decided it was fitting to end my blog with the same exact band that it started it all, Frightened Rabbit, bringing it all full circle.

I still managed to attend Newport in the summer of ‘16, but I decided to attend it as a fan, just like I did the first time in ‘09. Photographing a festival like Newport is fun, but you tend to miss a lot of special moments. Sure, you get to be right in front of the stage for the first three songs (usually), but there’s an opportunity cost to be had, because just as the band is getting in the groove, you have to run to another stage to take photos of the next artist. It’s a unique experience for sure, but until the headliner, it’s difficult to fully immerse yourself in the music because you’re constantly on the move. You can still enjoy the music during the downtime, but it’s not the same. It truly isn’t. So when I attended the 2016 Newport Folk Festival, I left the DSLR at home, took it all in, danced, sang, and it was just as incredible as the first time. I did manage to record four videos, like I did in the beginning.

Ryan Adams “Holy Diver”

Ryan Adams “Gimme Something Good”

Nathaniel Rateliff “Chelsea Hotel”

Father John Misty “Now I’m Learning To Love War”

After Newport, I was prepping for a new adventure. I’d lived in Boston for fourteen years, had many incredible times, and definitely no shortage of exploring both Boston and New England. However, it was time to move on. I wanted a change and a fresh start. I decided to move to Denver, and at the end of August, drove across the country and settled in.

Truth is, I did what I set out to do (and more) with this site. I covered the artists that were important to me, and was introduced to many amazing new upcoming bands. I always wanted to give my music blog a proper ending, and two and a half years after the last show I covered, it finally comes to a close.

I invite you to click on the bold print below for links to each of the 4 shows, where you’ll find photos, videos, and maybe even a few words.

These are just a few shows from 2016, and to see the full list of every show I covered in ‘16 (with links) click the ‘14-’16 archive here.

Josh Ritter at the House of Blues (2.19.16) - I’d been a fan of Josh ever since his 2006 album, The Animal Years, and I’d always try to see him when he came to town.

Matthew Logan Vasquez at Cafe 939 (4.30.16) - The Delta Spirit frontman played a fun show at this intimate little venue.

Fruit Bats / Horse Feathers at Once Ballroom (5.7.16) - This was my first time at this non-traditional venue, which used to be Anthony’s Function Hall, and was transformed into Cuisine En local/Once Ballroom in ‘13. Horse Feathers, who I’d seen multiple times, opened the show, so it was a solid double bill.

Frightened Rabbit at the House of Blues (5.9.16) - Ever since that first show in ‘09, I’d catch them pretty much every chance I’d get, and probably saw Frightened Rabbit at least half a dozen times or more in the span of seven years. Scott was always in good spirits, the band sounded great, and these shows were always a lot of fun. I was happy they were finally playing the larger House of Blues after playing the Paradise so many times. I still can’t believe Scott is no longer with us, and his passing in May came as a shock to us all.

#Frightened Rabbit #2016 #the end #it's been real #boston music

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greetingsfromeboncreek · 4 years ago

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In my defense, I was literally asked.

So, I have actually been asked about my LGBTQ+ headcanons for Suppression. I shall now recite from my massive, ancient textb- ok no, I’m kidding, Iggy was my most detailed one, but here’s some others I’ve been kicking around under the cut:

So first and foremost, I want to be clear: There doesn’t have to be a REASON to make someone gay or transgender of asexual or whatever. There is no reason for these things in real life after all, people just are. You can be a rocket scientist or a wrestler or a pigeon breeder and just happen to be someone who was assigned a different gender at birth as well. It happens. That’s not to say that there isn’t a culture and some common trends that go along with it, but the point I’m trying to make is that just because I’m noting my favorite characters to think these sorts of things about here, you could literally make ANYONE LGBT. There’s no checkboxes you have to tick before you get your lesbian license.

...but if there was, Sam would have like 3 of them.

ANYWAY so yeah that’s the first one: 1. Everyone is gay and transgender. All of them. All at the same time. Figure it out.

Also, even if any of these WERE canon, I wouldn’t expect it to come up very often either? Suppression is a very action based comic, I don’t think there’s a lot of downtime for characters to be like “ANYWAY, I’m going on a date with ANOTHER GUY this Wednesday because that’s HOW I ROLL.” Because that would be. Weird. Still, sometimes an offhand mention can go a long way.

To organize this a little bit better though, I’m going to split it into “Characters who I think could or should be X, Y, and/or Z” and “Characters where I wouldn’t do that unless a lot of effort was put into pulling it off well.” Personal dos and don’ts, pretty much.

For characters who I think are or could be LGBT, well, like I said, it’s fun to imagine just about anyone, and I think making a character some type of LGBT can add a really fun element to someone that ordinarily would be a little bit boring. In this case though, I’m expressing only my thoughts on the ones that either have some sort of written element that could be taken as supporting my headcanon, or ones where I think it would play well with their pre-established traits and desires. So, without further ado:

1. Samantha Wight is a lesbian, in both continuities but ESPECIALLY the reboot, god. I think this one is most obvious when you compare the version of her that existed in the preboot timeline in comparison to the reboot. And for that, I’ve got to talk about the Wights a bit, or at least as how they were in the preboot.

They come off to me as… well, deeply repressed, unhappy, and (let’s be honest, most likely) very conservative people. They all want something out of life and want to be proud of themselves and their family, but are so deadlocked in trying to “maintain the family tradition and honor” and whatnot that they end up dragging each other back down into that depressive pit. There’s plenty of examples of this; Alaster is very proud of being a Wight and their traditions of burning and pillaging, but hates what his family has become and how they treat each other. He tries very hard to be a good role model for his younger relatives even though he’s unable to get out from under his father’s thumb himself. Meredith is incredibly enthusiastic (and gifted!) about her family’s magic traditions and history but is constantly facing snotty, belittling remarks about how airheaded she is from Samantha. In addition, it’s clear her dad and uncle don’t understand her in the slightest, let alone have a shred of respect for her (or if they do, it's for her use as a resource or tool and not as a person with her own merits). Jericho thinks the Wights are already great, but is increasingly frustrated with the fact that his beliefs mean absolutely nothing in the wider world and he doesn’t actually have the power to do anything about it. Heck, even Arthur had a line that implied a LOT about how he and Max were raised- how he didn’t really want to be a necromancer, but picked it so he could “get out of what Dad had (Max) doing”. It gives off the impression that no matter how powerful a Wight you are, your life gets set in stone at birth and you aren’t changing it, no matter how hard you try, and those traditional roles are HARSH. I wouldn’t be surprised if Alaster wasn’t the only Wight that got quietly offed when they stepped out of line, that’s for sure.

Needless to say, I would imagine it would be pretty much impossible to come out as anything in that sort of environment… provided that you managed to get out enough to learn about that stuff to start with. And Sam definitely appears to be one of the worst victims of this. She died really young. While Meredith and Alaster might have gotten to go to a public school or at least hit the mall every once in a while, she probably spent every second since the day she died locked up in the mansion because… well, zombies aren’t supposed to exist. Unable to go anywhere, do anything of value, make any friends… it’s really no wonder her nihilism cranked up to 11 in just a decade or so. Not to mention (especially in comparison to the reboot), there’s no way she can buy her own clothes, so she’s literally just a Wight themed dress up doll. She has the Wight family logos literally all over her- bones in her dress, the skull on her head and shoes, a Wight crest on her necklace, most of them oversized for her stature. Literally weighing her down in a poofy dress that makes her look adorable instead of practical. Heck, she’s even drawn in a way depicts how she’s had her agency removed. She’s a Wight, so she definitely HAS the sharp pointy teeth, and yet unlike everyone else in her family you barely ever see them. (If at all- I’m pretty sure you don’t, but I’m not going to go through every page she appears to check.) She’s literally defanged and weighed down by family expectations. It’s no wonder she lashes out at Meredith, who is capable of actually expressing herself to a degree.

(Also, a smaller side headcanon- I’ve noticed that while the red eyed fangy icon is the Wight family crest, those simplified skulls on Samantha and Meredith’s heads appear a lot as well. I like to think that those were the family crest of Nora’s now extinct bloodline from when she married into the Adigard family. Even though they aren’t the official Wight crest, they’re now considered a sort of secondary crest that’s still carried around out of respect to the maternal lineage, which is why you see it more prominently on the women of the family as well. Is there any textual support for this? No, none, but it’s still fun to think about.)

SO YEAH, Sam in the reboot, wow. Goes by a (notably more gender neutral) nickname instead of the longer and more formal “Samantha”, with her clothing following. Jeans and a t-shirt. Square glasses. Very short hair. The family symbols are now not dragging her down, but smaller accents that she wears to go with her outfit instead of defining it. She’s finally free! She has a job she likes. She takes pride in her skills. She has a favorite sandwich spot and a college education and friends. ...And like, maybe a girlfriend? It would be nice. This is admittedly because her style of hair and dress is… well. Kinda butch. But like I’ve mentioned before, physical appearance is one of the last indicators I like to go for with this. Instead, I prefer to look at it in terms of her personality- outside of the deathgrip of outdated family tradition, Sam can afford to be herself more, and yeah, maybe that involves dating folks with the same gender and wearing blue jeans. This is also kinda supported to a degree by how her siblings haven’t changed that much since the old timeline. Merry’s outfit is pretty much the exact same. Jericho doesn’t have the biohazard suit, but his new outfit still kinda evokes it in the hat, long coat, and boots. He still seems to prefer the same styles, at least. Alaster is pretty different, but that’s more because he’s wearing a uniform more than anything, and with the bandages it’s clear he’s still putting his own personal spin on it. Sam is COMPLETELY different, and it’s a change for the better and happier. So yeah. It would be really fitting if part of that new access to personal freedom was in getting to explore her sexuality as well, and eventually settling down into being a lesbian. It would be a happy ending to Samantha’s story, even Sam’s is only getting started.

2. Arrie is bisexual! What? Who do you think it is that Sam’s dating? But yeah, I ship them pretty hard. Like Sam, Arrie has some pretty big personality differences between her preboot self and current self, Parrios vs. Tinderbolt. Old Arrie seemed to be well versed in politics, able to negotiate and take charge easily even if she was a bit overly formal and her interpersonal skills weren’t QUITE up to snuff. That’s not to say that she couldn’t have been bi, but I also didn’t read her as vibing with anyone all that well.

Not to turn this into a massive shipping discussion (as that’s not really the topic I’m trying to cover here), but I saw her most interesting potential romantic foils as Trevor and Sally… but neither of them were very likely in practice. She and Trevor were good friends but the last time they spoke in the comic he stuck his own foot in his mouth with her and they never got the opportunity to work things out after that (and even then, there was no sort of… spark implying that they would make each other better as a couple. Seriously, just friends.), which leaves that ship on a particularly sour note. And while she and Sally were FANTASTIC counterparts to each other (rough and tumble demon girl and overly formal and technical elf princess? Sally getting her to slowly loosen up and have fun with it a bit while also reminding her how much her one liners suck? Arrie coming to impress her and earn her respect with fancy spellwork? Hell yeah.), but they only spent maybe an hour tops with each other and didn’t have any opportunity for deeper conversation. Also, that would mean that Sally and Bael wouldn’t be a thing and I refuse to break that couple up.

But Arrie in the reboot? Oh man. Her social awkwardness and getting stuck on details have really been dialed up now that she’s essentially been raised in a classroom and in private study instead of being trained as a politician and dignitary. She’s no longer a princess, but a magic computer programmer. She’s anxious, stubborn, and definitely has a lot of room to grow. But, that’s where Sam comes in. They’ve known each other since they were little- they definitely know each other’s baggage and have accepted it. They know each other’s hopes and dreams. They spend a ton of time with each other. And yeah, they bring out the best in each other. Sam gets Arrie to leave her room once in a while, and Arrie’s attention to detail means she no doubt always listens to Sam complain long after anyone else would have tuned it out. And yes, you could easily interpret this as mere best friend territory, but wouldn’t it be interesting if it was something more? After all, Sam is really touchy-feely with Arrie even though she’s normally standoffish. She drapes herself all over Arrie in the early pages of the comic, and Arrie barely blinks. Sam threatens to drag her and Arrie is suddenly done with her work, but they’re both smiling about it. Similarly, when Arrie finally pries Sam off of her with magic, Sam just lets Arrie toss her around midair even though they both know she could use it offensively (which Arrie does when tussling with Sally later.). But they both know Arrie would never do that- they trust each other implicitly. Again, could just be friendship, but it’s not difficult to read into it and see a bit more intimacy than that. Additionally, it would really be neat to see them together just from an angle of “Their families used to be bitter enemies, but… well, not for these two, I guess.”

Also, it’s really funny to imagine a copy of that first scene but Sam’s in fancy clothing trying to drag Arrie to their anniversary dinner. For god’s sake Arrie, you’re already in the dress. The runes look FINE. You’re going to miss your reservation, get UP.

(And on another headcanon side-note- If I was going to cosplay as anyone in the comic, it would 100% be Arrie, if just because I have blonde hair and blue eyes and none of her outfits look too crazy to sew and it's not that hard to find elf ears online. With current circumstances though, I don’t think I’ll be doing anything like that any time soon.)

3. Charlie is agender or genderfluid, at least in the preboot timeline. This is less “it just feels right” and more “this is probably the inevitable conclusion of having hundreds of souls with conflicting gender identities stuffed into one body.” He is made up of boys, girls, and people who never got to have enough of a personal identity to make a decision about that sort of thing. Just a big bag of angry ghosts. Considering what happens in the approximate… like… what, six to nine months or so? That he gets to exist, I don’t think he really thought about what gender he was all that hard and probably only went with “he” because that’s what everyone who met him assumed he was. Which, let’s be honest, he’s canonically very emaciated, has long, probably matted hair, and probably has heavily stunted growth due to his upbringing- I think it would actually be pretty hard to figure him out on first glance. I’ve just noticed that people tend to default to “this is a dude” if they don’t know right away. If he had time to think about it though, I think he either a. Honestly would not give a crap, or b. Would just switch his pronouns around depending on how he was feeling that day. Heck, while “Charles” is definitely a guy’s name, I’ve definitely seen “Charlie” used for both. So he wouldn’t even have to change anything there. Still, if you asked him what he identifies as, his answer would probably something like “An Avatar Of Vengeance”, which, while accurate, isn’t the answer most people are looking for. (He knows this. He does it on purpose.) That being said though, I still have no clue what reboot Charlie’s deal is or how many souls he’s got stuffed up in there, but hey! Like I said, anyone can be anything so who’s to say Charlie ISN’T still genderfluid in the current timeline? Could have just been a “dude” day when we met him the first time around.

4. Junior is genderfluid! Or, well, would have been in the future. This just feels like a logical progression of the worldview Junior had going. He seemed very into transhumanism and just changing yourself to who you want to be instead of sitting there and waiting for it. I certainly can’t imagine him going “Hm yes. I have all these options, but I think I’m just going to stick with being a Regular Dude until the day I die.” when he was so gung-ho about getting his hands chopped off and replaced with giant claws. Therefore I could see a “I think, therefore I am.” sort of philosophy with regards to his gender developing as he gets older. “I think I want to be a girl today, so I am a girl! That’s all there is to it!” Unfortunately, considering he was being raised to be a weapon (or at least a lab rat) of some sort, I don’t know how much his identity would be respected, but I’d imagine there’s at least one or two people in his life that would nod and swap over to what he was feeling that day.

5. Lexi as a nonbinary woman. To explain a little bit, most people who imagine nonbinary genders for the first time think of gender as a slider with “dude” on the left side and “lady” on the right side with nonbinary genders somewhere in the middle. And for some people, that’s how they feel… but for others, its not that simple, with their gender being somewhere “off the grid” so to speak, or aligning themselves with one gender but… not.. QUITE all the way with it, or picking and choosing the parts of it they like, etc. So a girl or a guy, but… a nonbinary girl or guy. I could see Lexi as this, using she/her pronouns or they/them pronouns, just kind of being blase about it.

I talked about the Wight’s general culture a little bit and how it came off to me, but not Thal’nasia’s. To put it simply, I don’t think Thal’nasia is NEARLY as bad as the Wights, but I do think it has its own troubles. Between Trevor’s comments about how the humans shouldn’t trust anyone (which is probably in reference to the politicians, but it also implies a “the walls have ears” sort of vibe for the kingdom in general) and the fact that the elves are several years behind human culture in general, I could imagine being different in this way wouldn’t be… necessarily frowned upon, but there would certainly be a lot of gossip. Not to mention, it’s not like anyone who lives there can just move away if coming out doesn’t go so well. So I’d imagine things would be a little awkward for anyone who’s off the beaten track in terms of gender identity or sexuality, getting a lot of gritted teeth smiles and hesitant “Uh-huhs”. And then getting a lot of whispers and giggles as soon as their back is turned.

With that in mind, I think Lexi would have some trouble getting people to take her seriously, but in some ways I think this meshes well with what we saw of her in the preboot setting. She’s already a pretty counterculture person, working in a store that explicitly sells things that are edgy or in poor taste. And she’s already used to secluding herself to a degree, considering that she had been able to hide her plague markings for a while by the time we saw her for the first time. So for people she doesn’t know too well, I could see her introducing her gender in a half-joking manner similar to how she runs her shop in general, and gauging their reaction to see if they’re cool about it or not, at which point she’d either double down on the edgy performance or relax a bit.

6. Cerene is polyamorous! This one’s mostly for fun, and mostly because it was implied that Cerene had to pick either Morris or Charlie, and… why not both? Neither Morris nor Charlie seemed to dislike each other, and neither seem like the jealous type. Morris is super chill and reasonable, and as I already mentioned up in #3 I really don’t think Charlie’s the kind to care about traditional relationships. And who’s to say they wouldn’t like each other as well? Not to mention Cerene’s certainly capable of splitting her attention and dedicating the time needed to maintain a relationship that’s… bigger than most peoples’. I’m just saying, if anyone could make a polycule work, it’s probably Cerene with her insane networking skills. Bael’s downplaying her skills by just assuming she sleeps around a lot. Oh no- she’s asking multiple people about their day, keeping notes of their personal preferences and wants for birthday gift reasons, and plotting out multiple sweet date ideas to take place simultaneously. She has this shit ORGANIZED. There is a day planner. Also she gets to bang a lot but that’s, like, secondary.

7. James Narron is gay? Perhaps? Granted we only barely know him, but still. He seems like a nice guy with a tendency to scoop up and mentor outcast children. Perhaps due to a history of being a bit of an outcast himself? Not enough to damage his career- he’s still head of the scholar’s society after all- but something that makes him feel a little different in the crowd. I just think it would be neat!

8. Mara is a trans girl. This one’s a bit harder to explain, and considering I have no idea how she’s translated over to the reboot timeline (if at all, seeing as the circumstances of her backstory and personality have been completely erased.) Buuut I think this meshes well with her once you take into account her various motivations. She’s determined to be taken seriously. People try to brush her off due to being very young and not mentally fit for the position due to the whole “child soldier” thing. So she’s used to people not taking her seriously at best and at worst finding the fact that she’s in her hard-earned position at all to be disgusting. Not to mention that folks don’t exactly trust the red army to start with. This… surprisingly parallels a lot of what transwomen have to go through, both being taken seriously as real women and as not being seen as a “threat”. This is probably even harder for younger trans girls who no doubt constantly get the “Okay, but can you really be SURE at your age?” treatment.

You could also link this, surprisingly, into her hairstyle. Mara has boxy cut bangs in the front, but has a long twist braid in the back, far longer than most other characters in the comic. You could argue its a sense of personal style, but there’s a reason people in the military cut their hair so short (and even women in the military keep theirs in tight buns.). So you could handwave it as “it helps differentiate the character and looks like a vine, which is her whole shtick.”, which is a completely valid reading! But it’s known that a lot of trans women grow their hair out as a point of pride in transitioning, and its heartbreaking if they have to get it cut off again. So while it might be more convenient and strategic for Mara to cut her hair, she could also have a very good reason for keeping it as long as possible,

9. Dr. Grenner is bisexual. Or just questioning? Something like that? This has zero textual support and is just kind of fun to think about in terms of the personal conflict it would bring up for him. First and foremost- not everyone figures out that they’re LGBT right away. It’s not a “kids these days” sort of thing, anyone can learn something new about themselves at any time. It would be nice to see a character that has this experience, just for fun and interest! That being said, Grenner as we know him would be an interesting choice for this, considering that until very recently in the preboot’s storyline, he was likely happily married to a woman. (I mean. Iggy had to come from SOMEWHERE, and I doubt he was plucked out of a cabbage patch.) And it ended… badly.

As a result, I could see him being really conflicted due to his grief and the fact that he’s now single for the first time in decades. And, well. Santris is the only guy who really seems to stop and have any in depth conversations with him who isn’t a coworker or a patient. (Also, he’s kinda pretty. And Grenner finds that he can’t really stop looking at his eyes? That’s. Weird. Hm.) This leads into mental conflict between “It’s fine! Plenty of people figure this out at your age, and let’s be honest, there WERE some signs for it back when you were in college.” and “This isn’t anything, you’re still heavily grieving and you have a monster living in the back of your head and you’re heavily projecting onto the one person that actually treats you like a person. Get ahold of yourself.” Which one is it? Well, that’s what storytelling is for, you figure it out. But I could easily imagine himself just sitting there and psychoanalyzing himself endlessly to try and keep the issue at arms length, treating himself like a patient to avoid having to confront the emotional reality of his grief, guilt, and weird crush.

Not sure how Santris would feel about all of this because who even knows what that guy thinks, but I’m pretty sure he would definitely notice. And maybe milk it just a little bit so he doesn’t have to stretch and grab things on tall shelves anymore. Or pull out his own chair. Or make his own coffee. It’s a nice change of pace.

Is this piling too much on poor Grenner when he’s already such a guilt driven person? Yeah, probably. But what is fiction but a chance to torment fictional people with weird crises about their sexuality.

10. The old Wights? Are probably a lot of things? I’m not necessarily referring to the old Wights we’ve seen already, just the culture and atmosphere for the old clan in general. I definitely noticed how the old Wights and Adigards definitely don’t have the same culture as the new ones. There’s no need to prove themselves to be great- they ARE the greatness that the modern Wights are trying to live up to. So there’s not as much of an issue with trying to “fit in”. They’re the ones setting the standard to start with. Not to mention the old Wights are so far modified from their original human bodies already, does it really matter what they identify as after a certain point? That guy has 50 arms with flesh ripping claws and you’re saying he’s not a guy because there’s also a set of boobs involved? How do you know he didn’t put those on himself anyway? Let’s be honest, most people are going to refer to you as “OH GOD, WHY WON’T IT DIE!” anyway. Might as well call yourself whatever you want.

There’s also at least a little bit of historical support to this as well. The old Wights are vikings, or at least rather viking-inspired. In comparison to a lot of peoples that were living at the same time, vikings were surprisingly chill? It’s pretty well known that viking women could own property and demand divorces, etc. Who’s to say the Adigard family couldn’t take that an extra step further?

And then there’s the characters I WOULDN’T make a particular thing, whether it REALLY doesn’t make sense for them story-wise, or would just be stumbling into a bad stereotype for a particular group. I don’t think it’s impossible, but you’d definitely need to have more members OF that group in the story to make it clear that that’s just what that particular CHARACTER is like, and not an assumption of what that group of PEOPLE is like.

1. It could look bad if Sally was a transwoman. Don’t get me wrong- I love Sally a LOT. Like, SO much. Her personality is so much fun and I just love big, kinda dumb brawler characters. She has interesting twists to her personality (like how she loves being strong and having cool powers but is also aware that she didn’t use to be quite this aggressive and violent and finds it difficult to know where the line is and know when to stop.) and makes an excellent foil to the characters that have a tendency to ramble on. But… let’s be honest, having the explicitly beefy, aggressive female character be the only transgender woman would be a really bad look. Trans women are very frequently under a large amount of scrutiny for how they present themselves, and overly muscled and aggressive individuals are one of the negative stereotypes for that group. Does that mean I think Sally is a bad character? No, absolutely not! I’m aware she has depth, and for a cisgender woman I think her power set is a breath of fresh air. God knows I’d love to have the ability to throw someone across a city block when a guy’s been following me for a little too long when I’m walking home at 2 am. But I do think that, in the absence of other trans women, making her transgender would be choice made in poor taste as it hews too close to stereotypes that have been made to insult and belittle these women.

2. Max and Arthur as… well, anything. This is in regards to the preboot setting. We have known Arthur for literally one page in the reboot and he’s already clearly pretty different from the old version of him so I’m withholding all judgement there. Still, this one’s a little harder to explain.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea of a young Maxwell feeling absolutely nothing for all of the girls dragged in front of him as potential suitors and eventually picking one for no reason other than “Dad liked her”. Max assuming its normal to feel this way because being asexual isn’t an option when it’s your literal job to carry on the family bloodline. I like the idea of Arthur waking up from an accidental nap in front of the TV to find that it’s moved on to some sort of documentary about trans women and how relieved they felt to be able to reflect on the outside how they felt on the inside and sits there watching it blithely for a little bit too long before he identifies that feeling in his chest as something close to pain and scrambles for the remote a little too fast while grumbling something about kids these days ruining their bodies for shits and giggles. (Hey remember how I mentioned that those skull motifs are usually only worn by girls? I say usually because Arthur is the only dude who wears them. Funny, that.)

It could definitely be interesting to interpret them as something else, but… I think it would have to be in an AU or timeline just to the left where they’re. Mmmmore tolerable as people. Look let’s be honest, in the original Suppression timeline, Max and Arthur are some of the biggest… well, evil people we see. The younger Wights have their sympathetic traits (or are just hilariously outmatched such that they aren’t really a threat. Sorry Jericho.). Grenner wasn’t even trying to be a villain. Kolt is creepy as hell and I try to forget he exists. William… isn’t really traditionally sapient, it’s hard to hate an evil Siri. We don’t know much about Santris, and we were really only getting started on Maggie and Bartleby. But Max and Arthur kill innocent people, kill their kids, kill each other because they’re canonically selfish, miserable people. If you wanted to redeem either, they’d have to be… well, not those people. So like I said, you’d need a different version of canon.

This is because, well. While I’m sure there are evil people that are… let’s pick one and say gay. 1. Gay-coding villains is a well known negative stereotype. And 2. Saying that people who are against LGBT rights in real life are totally just repressed gay people is both harmful and… idk, annoying. For point one, there’s plenty of villains where they’re presented with traits associated with LGBT individuals. Think how Ursula in The Little Mermaid was based on a drag queen, Scar in The Lion King is a sort of effeminate gay stereotype, Raoul Silva in Skyfall and his… weird homoeroticism. Don’t ask me why those were the first three examples that came to mind. In and of itself, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Everyone loves Disney villains, they’re the most fun characters! But in settings where they’re the ONLY characters that are LGBT, it suddenly creates the stereotype that… all LGBT people are inherently evil, deviant, or corrupt in some way. Which is a nasty thing to say. For a lot of the other villains, it could be fun! But these two are just so unavoidably (if amusingly) awful that it feels… weird to pin this stuff on them.

Which leads me into the second point. It’s fun to poke fun at say… a pastor saying all gay people are going to hell by going “Man, he has sure been talking about gay guys and their gay sex for a really long time huh? Makes you wonder, huh?” Because unfortunately at the end of the day… statistically, they aren’t. They just want to hurt those people (or “help” them in their own minds but again, let’s be real here.) And even if they ARE, they’re doing so much damage that it’s hard to feel sorry for them. It feels similar to my own experiences where I’d be bullied by a guy at school and the adults around me would be like “Oh don’t worry, he just has a crush on you!” Great! Awesome! That helps me out a LOT and makes me feel so much better. Really unrips up the homework he stole from me. That’s definitely a behavior we should be encouraging in guys too. Just fantastic. Yeah, I don’t think that mindset really helps anyone, and frankly feels like it would be a shallow addition to these guys.

And let’s be honest, with these two it feels like part of the fun that they’re so irredeemably awful because when they lose it feels just that much better. It was so, SO funny watching Max get squished by a demon falling several stories, or watching Sally deck Arthur in the face and Arrie blind him temporarily. It was fitting watching Arthur drink Max’s phylactery, wrapping up both of their character arcs as selfish people who inevitably only had each other but couldn’t even trust each other- and shouldn’t have. And then Sin Arthur got thrown around like a ragdoll by King Law like five minutes later. It was GREAT. If it turns out that deep down they felt differently but didn’t feel like they could say or do anything about it, it would make them more sympathetic and thus make me feel… well, worse about watching them get beat down on. Which would inevitably make those moments I mentioned fall a little flat.

So, uhm. Yeah. I think that’s everything? Just about everything? Holy crap, I was NOT expecting to write this much. Maybe a few notes for each character, but nothing huge. And it did get huge, that’s. That’s a LOT of words. I’d apologize, but I’m not THAT sorry about it- it was really nice to get the opportunity to put to words some of the feelings I’ve been having on this stuff for a while.

#text post #uhhhh #holy shit yeah i dont have much else to say lol #commentary #headcanons

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