#it's 'bisexuals who prefer women cannot possibly understand what it's like to be same-sex attracted'
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âPeople who are actually attracted to men, even the bisexual ones, don't feel this way.â
She says people are misinterpreting her post but this is a straightforward (wrong) sentence and bi women came in to correct on it. Thatâs a misinterpretation howâŚ? Additionally, how would she as a non-bisexual even know that. The boldness in impressive.
Anyway, this just in fellow bi women: if you find women in general more attractive than men, you are putting women up on a pedestal! You are just talking about aesthetics, which obviously have nothing to do with physical attraction. But also you may just actually be a lesbian, in which case feel free to ignore these criticisms because now they donât apply for some reason.
But Iâll be told Iâm also misinterpreting, Iâm sure. Bleh.
How would a non-bisexual know how a bisexual feels about his/her attraction...?
Lesbians often point out that bisexuals will never understand what it's like to be exclusively same-sex attracted in a homophobic world, and I very much agree, but I also think that non-bisexuals will never understand what it's like to be bisexual in that homophobic/monosexual world.
#i wouldn't be surprised if she's a polilez tbh#you sent this to me 5 days ago and it's as relevant now as it was then#except instead of 'bisexuals who prefer women are probably lesbians'#it's 'bisexuals who prefer women cannot possibly understand what it's like to be same-sex attracted'#radblr is a festering cesspit#anon
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Hi, i hope youâre all doing well.
I feel like i have made questions like this one before (here, to my friend, on Reddit, etc) but iâve been beating around the bush rather than get to the point, which i donât feel like itâs talked about enough.
Thereâs this biphobic rhetoric (that comes mostly from within the community) that says that bi people can just âopt outâ of being queer by exclusively dating the âopposite genderâ and the counter argument is that this is false because thatâs the same as being in the closet which is not a âprivilegeâ at all, that weâre not less queer for being in a straight presenting relationship, etc
The thing is, what if I actually *choose* to only date the opposite gender, not only because iâm more attracted to them, but itâs also easier? I personally feel that in order to date a woman (same gender, in my case) i have to go out of my way, I have to do it âon purposeâ. If I happened to fall for a girl thatâs fine, iâll see how I deal with that when the time comes, but otherwise I feel like if I start looking for a partner whoâs a woman I will be subjecting myself to homophobia on purpose, when that could have been avoided.
I havenât had any real relationships yet, and if itâs possible iâd like to have my first one with a man. Deep in my heart i want to know what itâs like to date a woman, have sex with her, etc but not before I do all that with a man first. If I happen to find a woman that i want to be in a relationship with before I date a man I donât think i would avoid it, but I donât think thatâs likely to happen.
I donât want this to be brushed off as internalised biphobia and just that (as it happened to me before in other ocassions). I believe itâs a reasonable concern, especially for those of us who are more into the opposite gender. Why look for a same gender partner when that would make my life unnecessarily difficult? By only dating men, am I opting out of my queerness and giving validity to that biphobic rhetoric? I hope I made sense, I can clarify anything that you need.
I understand your concern but I want to make one thing clear. By choosing to date a man (or even by chosing to only ever date men) you are not "opting out of your queerness" because what makes you queer isn't the gender of the people you date. In fact you could never date anyone and still be 100% queer/bi because your sexual orientation is determined by whom you feel attracted to.
If people were only allowed to be bisexual of they kept changing up the gender of their partners that would seriously fuck over bi people who never had a relationship at all or who choose to be monogamous. There are bi people who realise their bisexuality only after they already are in a monogamous relationship - they do not have to break up or open the relationship in order to be bisexual, do they? And likewise, only ever dating the "opposite" gender - no matter what the reason may be - isn't gonna make you less queer.
You say yourself that you want to know what it's like to date a woman and be intimate with one. That's all it takes to be bi. By admitting that to yourself, you are already "queer enough" and there is no "opting out" of that unless you start lying to yourself about it.
Lastly, you say you don't want this to be brushed off as internalised biphobia but I don't know what else to tell you other than the fact that I do read a lot of that between the lines here. Mostly in the fact that you don't seem to be taking your own queerness serious enough and seem to think that dating men would somehow make you less queer. Actually, most bisexual women who have a partner are dating a man for various reasons (more potential partners to choose from, safety, conservative environment, coincidence, preference).
It doesn't matter why you chose to have a male partner or only male partners. You'd still be bisexual because you are attracted to multiple genders. And opting out of that is impossible because sexual orientation cannot be actively changed or reversed or controlled - that's why conversion therapy doesn't work.
Maddie
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Impacts of Attitudes Toward Bisexuals: Passing, Denial, and Invisibility
Selection from "Inside, Outside, Nowhere: Bisexual Men and Women in the Gay and Lesbian Community," Kirsten McLean, Journal of Bisexuality, 8, 1-2, 2008
Knowledge of the exclusion of bisexual men and women within the gay and lesbian community has a significant impact on bisexual men and women who look to this community for support. Many of the participants in my research were well aware that bisexuality was not seen favorably by some members of the gay and lesbian community, and though they participated in parts of the community, they were well aware that revealing their bisexuality could be a problem in certain spaces. Several participants who participated in the gay and lesbian community acknowledged the difficulties of telling some gay men and lesbians they were bisexual, and said they often hid their bisexuality and let others assume they were lesbian or gay.Barbara (age 54) admitted to letting assumptions that she was a lesbian slide for fear of exclusion: âI wouldnât dare deny peopleâs assumptions that I am a lesbian, because Iâd be alienated. I just want to blend in.â Fiona (age 26) was more explicit, telling people she was lesbian rather than bisexual: âI say Iâm a lesbian, but Iâm not really proud of that at all. I feel itâs about how Iâm positioning myself at the time, and Iâm going there because I like girls, not because I like guys. But it could backfire one day.â Aaron (age 23) preferred the rather ambiguous term of queer in some contexts: âIf itâs the campus group, I identify first as queer and second as bisexual. Sometimes people assume Iâm gay and itâs not an issue. I donât correct them anymore, although I used to.â
Several of these participants acknowledged that passing as gay or lesbian compromised their sense of identity as bisexual but felt it was necessary to avoid being ostracised from the gay and lesbian community altogether. Nathan (age 22) expressed this well when he said: âI feel a lot of the time I have to hide my bisexuality to be a part of the community. I guess Iâm not really being honest about who I am. I find a lot of gay men are really misogynistic, which makes me uncomfortableâand less likely to come out as bi to them.â Hiding oneâs bisexuality when participating in the gay or lesbian communities is nothing new; in their research conducted in the 1970s, Blumstein and Schwartz (1976a, b) found that bisexual men and women often reacted to hostility from the homosexual community by suppressing their bisexuality, or at the very least their interests in the opposite sex. Recent research argues that being aware of negative stereotypes of bisexual people sometimes discouraged bisexual women from self-identifying as bisexual for fear of loss of legitimacy and efficacy, fear of shame, and fear of negative consequences. This in turn sustains the invisibility and âcultural anonymityâ of bisexual women (Ault, 1996, p. 318).
Some of the participants in my research preferred to âblend inâ with the gay and lesbian community by passing as gay or lesbian, or let assumptions of being gay or lesbian slide without challenging the truthfulness of these assumptions. However, others stated that if they were asked, they would identify themselves as bisexual. For example, one female participant said: âNormally I would let people make their own decisions about me and I wouldnât hide my male partner, but I wouldnât volunteer that I have one straight awayâ (Sharon, age 31). Few of the participants in my research who were involved in the gay and lesbian community openly identified as bisexual within the gay and lesbian community or challenged assumptions that they were gay or lesbian. Instead, maintaining a gay or lesbian persona was seen as necessary to protect oneself from judgement, discrimination,and conflict with others in the gay and lesbian community.
Not being truthful about oneâs bisexuality, however, creates significant issues for bisexual men and women. Having different personas, often with conflicting values and ideas, and having to act in different ways in different contexts, does little to help maintain a healthy bisexual identity (McLean,2001). Furthermore, dishonesty or secrecy about âkey areas of oneâs life create a distance from other people, preventing potentially enriching experiencesâ (George, 1993, p. 104). This is an issue of some concern in light of recent Australian research by Jorm, Korten, Rodgers, Jacomb, and Christensen (2002) that found that bisexuals overall have a lower level of mental health as compared with homosexuals and heterosexuals.
The researchers inferred that feelings of stigma or experiences of discrimination, which were not measured, may play a part in this.The health effects described above are only one possible consequence of repressing oneâs bisexual identity. Israel and Mohr (2004) argued that antibisexual attitudes themselves can have negative impacts on bisexuals:
âNegative attitudes create a context of hostility for bisexual men and women than can affect many areas of their lives. ... Such experiences with negative attitudes may adversely affect mental health and well-being of bisexual individuals. ... Internalization of such negative attitudes by bisexual individuals may create a barrier to developing a positive bisexual identity.â (p. 119)
Research on antibisexual attitudes towards bisexual women argues that these âcast doubt on the existence of authentic bisexual experience and identity  by  providing  alternative  explanations  for  apparent  bisexualityâ (Rust, 1993, p. 226). These doubts can also be internalised by bisexual men and women via what Weinberg et al. (1994) called âcontinued uncertaintyâ that can persist even after accepting that one is bisexual. According to Weinberg et al., this âcontinued uncertaintyâ is expressed in the frequent questioning of the validity of oneâs bisexual identity and continual doubts about whether one is âreallyâ bisexual. Furthermore, support and understanding are crucial to the development and maintenance of a healthy bisexual identity. Allowing people to assume one is heterosexual, gay, or lesbian rather than bisexual means that one cannot begin to find the support,acceptance, and validation necessary to develop a fully integrated sexual identity. Without this, many bisexual men and women continue to feel uncertain, embarrassed, ashamed, or guilty about their emotional and/or sexual attractions to men and women.
CONCLUSION Although participants in my research were more likely to go to community events and gay and lesbian nightclubs than get involved in gay and lesbian groups, there are also large numbers of gay men and lesbians who do not actively participate in the gay and lesbian community. The reason for such low levels of participation by Australian bisexual men and women in the Australian gay and lesbian community, however, could be attributed to the antibisexual attitudes that were considered, by many participants, to exist in the gay and lesbian community. It could be suggested that participantsâ ambivalence towards the gay and lesbian community may have come from a perception that they would be excluded or discriminated against because they were bisexual, not merely because of a lack of interest in participation.
Bisexual men and women are therefore less likely to participate in a space where it is known that others have experienced rejection, or where they envisage they may be unwelcome. When participants did get involved in the gay and lesbian community, their experiences were mixed, and participants held considerable fears and suspicions about the attitudes of members of the Australian gay and lesbian community towards bisexuality as a whole. As a result, few had direct contact with gay men and lesbians in organizational or community group settings with which to experience positive reinforcement or acceptance of their bisexuality.
The belief that bisexuality is not accepted within the Australian gay and lesbian community also explains why many participants in my research preferred to âblendâ into the gay and lesbian community; when attending events and festivals, or going out on the gay and lesbian scene, participants were assumed to be lesbian or gay (or sometimes, heterosexual), and few challenged these assumptions. Participants felt that openly identifying as bisexual among gay men and lesbians would lead to them being ostracized, or denied a space in which to express their same-sex desires in a safe and supportive environment. The risk of losing access to that space was seen as far greater than any risks associated with suppressing and hiding their bisexuality. As a consequence, the tendency for bisexual men and women to suppress their identity to fully participate in the gay and lesbian community reinforces the idea that bisexuality does not exist in the first placeâtherefore confirming the illegitimacy of bisexual identity as a whole. This significantly contributes to the invisibility of bisexuality on the sexual landscape and also has a number of implications, beyond the scope of this article, on the ability for bisexual men and women to activate for greater inclusion within the gay and lesbian community.
Overall, the participants in my research had a complex relationship with the Australian gay and lesbian community. By participating in the gay and lesbian community either by âpassingâ as gay or lesbian or letting assumptions of homosexuality slide, they were able to gain âinsiderâ status in that community by being seen to identify in the same way as other members of this group. However, a revelation of their bisexuality within this context was seen to put this âinsiderâ status at risk, and therefore participants were often involved in the gay and lesbian community without being completely honest about their bisexuality, as well as other elements of their lives such as their relationships. As a result, participants also played the role of âoutsider,â making it difficult for them to feel a real sense of belonging in the gay and lesbian community. The âcatch-22â of these tensions is that by believing they would not be fully accepted by the gay and lesbian community, many of the bisexual men and women interviewed were reluctant to participate in this community in the first place, at least on more than a social level, and many harbored rather ambivalent feelings about the gay and lesbian community itselfâthus reinforcing their status as âoutsidersâ to the gay and lesbian community.
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I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.
Part 1 Detransition:
So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.
Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (Iâve always an âeye for an eyeâ sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.
But were they right?
Part 2 Gender critical thought:
Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.
Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:
Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.
Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:
That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?
My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.
I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.
I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.
Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:
At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.
Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But Iâm only into it if they donât act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if theyâre feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So Iâm not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, itâs not male femininity per se that puts me off. If thereâs any femininity Iâm actually into, itâs male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)
Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:
Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.
As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.
Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:
My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.
I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.
There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.
Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:
I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.
Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:
But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.
They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.
Part 5 Conclusions:
I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.
But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.
So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.
#my stick up my arse about trans women#its hurt not hate#rant#analytical drivel#gender critical#radfem safe#detransition
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Queerbating and Harryâs image
Harry Styles tm (brand and image) has let to people thinking he has been trying to âqueerbate".The term "queerbatingâ refers to a marketing strategy used in order to  attract the LGBTQ audience into a specific product. it is important to mention that, for example, usually hints about someone sexuality are thrown, and, at the same time, that person is being painted as possibly being queer so as to indeed, attract queer people. But the subjectâs sexuality is never openly addressed. So, via queerbating, the marketing agents or creators are able to appeal to the LGBTQ market, while avoiding any backlash from the homophobic market.
So, now referring to Harry, the general public has this idea he is this straight white man, and some people tend to be confused by why so many hints are given by him about his sexuality and about him possibly being queer or for example, bisexual, given the fact people noticed that the fine line cover and his outfit in it might be the representation of a bisexual flag. So he seems to be giving all this hints about queerness by dressing a certain way and by saying things like â(âŚ) female(âŚ) not that importantâ and throwing all these hints, without actually admitting anything. This way he would be getting the queer publicâs attention, as they could be drawn to him because of the representation and support he appears to be showing towards the LGBTQ community.
But, when asked, he doesnât give a full on answer about where his sexuality lies, and about his preference regarding a partner. Harry often says âwho caresâ and does not answer a question with "yes im queerâ Â or "no, im in fact straight" (pardon the pun). Needles to say, Harry, after throwing all these hints toward his sexuality and towards him not being straight, and after waving and signing pride flags, he is constantly rumored to be dating models throughout the years. So, its understandable why people, who are not so into Harry and who do not know everything about him, might be angry.
He is giving the impression everything feminine thing he does like wearing dresses, and all the references he gives about the LGTQ community are only to attract people who belong to that community into the fandom. Of course this idea is wrong, its safe to assume harry styles would never consider doing that, the thing is, Harry is found in a position where i think he cannot come out properly and say âim gayâ, âim bisexualâ, âim whateverâ, because of his management team (jeffrey and irwin azzof) and because of the repercussion that would have. I believe he was probably advised to say (when asked about his sexuality) that it doesnât matter, that its not an important topic, and that its something he doesnât want to discuss. In other words, to avoid answering wether he is straight or wether he is queer. I believe if it were up to harry, he most definitely would not have a problem admitting or sharing where his sexual preferences lie, but, because he is immersed in a multimillion dollar worth industry, he does not get to choose what he can and what he canât say, as some things he says might affect his image and the way the public see him, immediately having and effect in the sales and in the economic part of his career. of course its not only his career who would be jeopardized, it would also impact every single person behind his brand, like his record label and his management team.
The image an artist has takes long to form, but its a very fragile one. Harry has been portrayed since a very young age (since being a minor) as a guy who fancied older woman, and a âwomanizerâ, and has been rumored to date numerous famous women, so this story about him always dating hot models has been pushed since he was 17 years old. Of course, the people who look closely into it can see that story is not completely true so as not to say completely false. Besides, in the late moments of one direction and onwards, a CLEAR change in harrys image happens. We no longer see âfrat boy harryâ always surrounded by women, but we see a more delicate and slightly femenine harry, but of course, who continues to constanlty date woman. I believe this change in image was allowed and was posible because of the success in the portrayal of harrys persona of being a womanizer. This idea was so well imposed that him, dressing with a bit of more colorful clothes, would not bring doubts towards his sexuality.
The thing is, if Harry Styles came out, he could easily become one of the biggest icons for queer people in the world nowadays, helping a lot of young people accept and come to terms with their sexuality, seeing he himself might be queer as well. But instead, he appears to remain quiet and doesnt address his sexuality.
Basically, what i want to make clear is the fact that harry is NOT queerbating, but his marketing makes him seem like he actually is. My belief is harry is a queer man, but is not able to state it publicly for various reasons, being a better option just to remain ambiguous and silent about the subject. The term âglass closetâ, which is known in the fandom, can apply to Harryâs situation, as he might be in a position where he shows himself as being queer, he dresses in a stereotypical queer way and has queer mannerisms thus everybody assumes he is queer and everyone is aware of his gender identity because its made clear and obvious, but nobody actually acknowledges it.Â
Another important point in this is that Harrys fandom is immense. Thats why its natural that its divided into many groups of people that believe different things. Its safe to say that a big number of people who like harry and like his music are also physically attracted to him, and its true a lot of times people tend to sexualize him and everything he does. Basically, a big amount of fans want to f*ck him, meaning, sex is selling in this occasion. âSex sellsâ is a well known marketing strategy, and because his team constantly pushed this womanizer image on him, this strategy actually did work.
So, by remaining silent towards this topic (his sexuality) harry is able to keep the large amount of fans who are physically attracted to him, and therefore listen to his music, and the queer fans who feel represented and feel safe listening to him and having him as an idol.
Thank you for reading, sorry if some parts are not as clear, english is my second language
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Chapter Nine : SEX, SEXUALITY and GENDER IDENTITY
Ask yourself three simple questions. What are your biological characteristics ? What does or does not turn you on ? What are you ?
If you can get through all three, congratulations. Youâve built great foundations for yourself as a human being.
That is not always the case.
SEXâââA NON-BINARY CONCEPT
That seems to be the easiest one. It was. Also, it never was. Organisms (entities that exhibit the properties of life) of male and female varieties, each known as sex. Weâre not talking about doing the nasty but the genetic traits that constitutes your sexual reproductive system. Among humans (and other mammals), males typically carry and X and Y chromosome whereas the female typically carry two X chromosomes. Humans may also be intersex. Thatâs when it becomes complicatedâââbut only if you are not eager to understand. To the first question (âWhat are your biological characteristics?â), I can say that I have an X chromosome and a Y chromosome. I produce small gametes (AKA sperm) and I have a penis (a nice little fellow). To my knowledge, my friend Julie has two X chromosomes and produces large gametes (AKA egg cells) and I might over reach because weâre not sot intimate that I have seen all of her, but I do think she has a vagina. Intersex people are individuals born with variations in sex characteristics that are not strictly XX-male or XY-female. They do not fit the definitions of male of female bodies. In the past, you would have called them hermaphrodites but believe me, this is so wrong and offensive. Donât. I wonât get into much details about intersex individuals as I want to give them an entire article to focus on their existence. Just know theyâre here and that your binary concept of the human body, though right for you and most of your friends and family, is no longer valid.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION / SEXUAL IDENTITY
Itâs gonna get a tiny bit more complicated as they have one identical word in common. Sexual. You know that word, stop focusing on it. Put your eyes on their companions. Orientation is an pattern of romantic and/or sexual attraction to persons of the opposite sex and/or gender, same sex and/or gender, or to both sexes or more than one gender. Those orientations are usually divided into three categories : heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality. Bullshit.
Identity is how a person thinks of him/her/themself in terms of whom one is romantically or sexually attracted to. Or not. The beauty of this new world is that you can pretty much identify with whatever words you feel comfortable with. I used to identify myself as an homosexual man with a 5,5 on the Kinsey Scale. But time and research made me rethink my personal point of view. I still use the terms homosexual, gay (though I have a preference for the umbrella word that is Queer, and the slurs I like to appropriate as my own) but the Kinsey method only include the three orientations I previously cited. I now more and more in phase with being androsexual and it redefined my attraction as a matter of identity.
Iâm sure you donât know what Androphilia is. or Gynephilia for that matter. Neither was I not so long ago. They are terms used to describe sexual orientation as an alternative to a gender binary homosexual / heterosexual / bisexual conceptualization. Androphilia describes sexual attraction to men or masculinity. Gynephilia describes the sexual attraction to women or femininity. Ambiphilia, finally, describes the combination of both Androphilia and gynephilia. I thought I was only attracted to cisgender man but a few years ago, I found myself incredibly aroused at the sight of what happened to be a transgender man. A gorgeous man that I will not named. Though confused at first, I realized that wouldnât change who I am. Iâm still the same person with the same sexuality. I just happen to be attracted to masculinity traits. By applying those terms to the common understand of sexual identity, we avoid bias inherent in normative concepts of human sexuality, confusion and offense with people of multiple identities.
But whatever the term, you get to decide. You can be : Asexual (experiencing little or no sexual attraction to others and lack of interest in sexual relationships or behavior) Bicurious Bisexual Demisexual (little or no capacity to experience sexual attraction until a strong romantic connection is formed with sometimes) Fluid Gay Homosexual Lesbian Pansexual (a person who experiences sexual, romantic, physical and/or spiritual attraction for members of all gender identities) Polyamorous (the practice and desire of consensual non-monogamous relationships)âââyeah, that can be part of your sexual identity. Queer Skoliosexual (being primarily sexually, romantically and/or emotionally attracted to genderqueer, transgender and/or non-binary individuals)
You can even be straight and identify as MSM or WSW (Men who have Sex with Men or Women who have Sex with Women).
Honestly, the possibilities seem unlimited at this point. To the question âWhat does and what does not turn you on?â, be honest with yourself and donât be afraid to think about it.
GENDER IDENTITY
Now on to the final curve of this ever-so complicated path. Gender Identity is the personal sense of oneâs own gender. It is not always on par with the gender you were assigned at birth. To take myself one last time as an example, I am a cisgender man. Cisgender : an individual whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. Got it ? In terms of gender, I donât have to ask myself too much questions except socially as I slowly but surely try to break codes about masculinity and femininity. But thatâs beyond the point for now. So when you are not a cis person, what can you be ? Someone can be transgender.
Transgender : a gender description for someone who has transitioned or si transitioning from living as one gender to another. Two warnings on this. First, âtransitioningâ doesnât mean a transgender person has to change his/her/their you-know-me-down-there surgically. Transitioning means changing things as varied but not obligatory as exterior appearance, name, pronouns. What you do with your body is your own business (more on that in a future article). Second, the word transgender was preceded by two other words : transvestite and transexual. A transvestite is a person who dresses as the gender opposite his/her/their own but has nothing to do with sexual or gender identity. A transexual is the grandparent word of transgender but the term has been rejected by many transgender people as âbeyond the scopeâ (with sexual in it, no shit). I would not use that word unless that person identifies as transexual. But I doubt it. But again, gender is a complex thing and it is associated with identity. And though you cannot chose who you love, who you are attracted to and who you are, you get to choose the words that fit you best. Not cis ? Not trans ? Maybe you are non-binary, or genderqueer (a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine and are outside the gender binary and cis normality). Maybe you are genderfluid. Maybe agender (someone who identifies as having no gender or being without a gender) or demigender. Maybe all or none of the above.
So to the third question I had you earlier, âWho are you?â, what will you say ?
There are no wrong answers. Only wrong silences.
As I get to write these articles one by one, I learn a lot about my people. Where theyâre coming from, what they want and who they are. And through that, Iâm learning a shitload more about myself, and not only as a queer person. This article was, in the end, only about little boxes available to you. Do not conform to them because they are there. I asked you three questions and expected answers. What if they arenât any final ones for you ? Whatâs so bad about that? As long as you get the freedom to ask yourself a double âwhatâ and a simple âwhoâ.
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hello, would you explain your stance on LGBT marriage?relationships? Thank you
I guess I should put this longpost under a read-moreâŚ
Iâm not personally disgusted by homosexuality and believe that some people are born with same-sex attraction (and others are made to have same-sex attraction through sexual traumaâI know this isnât a popular opinion among LGBT-positive people but it just seems this way to me, Iâve heard too much to deny this) and that gay people are capable to experiencing mature love within same-sex relationships like straight people can in heterosexual relationships. Despite traditional Christian views about the matter, I have a hard time denying this.
However, I think homosexuality is either a naturally occurring defect or, in bisexuals and sometimes even heterosexual people, a mechanism to ensure the prosperity of offspring because it opens more options for single parents looking for a partner (in the event they cannot find an opposite-sex partner). I say this is not based on Christianity but my understanding of biology: all living beings seek to perpetuate their genes, and in this light I donât understand why exclusively homosexual people exist. In fact, I suspect most people, including heterosexuals and especially women, are actually bisexual and their ability to be attracted to people of the same sex is just usually not necessary.
(Personally, I would consider myself a heterosexual because I have historically sought male partners, am currently with a man, and have historically been attracted to males. However, I have found that I am capable of attraction to women and can certainly imagine myself forming an intimate relationship with a woman if I needed to. Also titties are great tbh.)
As for how accepted homosexuality should be:
My understanding of the individualâs place in society is under construction. I used to believe, due to my insufficient experiences in the world and knowledge of history and human culture, that only the individual matters and that society has no right to our own behaviors as long as they only directly affect ourselves. I no longer believe this but donât know where the boundary should be. I donât feel offended by same-sex couples and certainly donât believe people with same-sex attraction should be hurt or driven to suicide but donât know how they should be regarded by society because they are inherently abnormal and donât promote the creation of a new generation because they canât naturally reproduce with their preferred partners. So I canât say if, for example, same-sex marriage should be legally recognized, even from a secular perspective. Two people of the same sex being in a private relationship is one thing; requiring society to recognize it is another thing.
(I strongly believe that same-sex couples should be able to adopt children. A loving set of same-sex care-givers is infinitely preferable for orphans to bouncing from household to household in the foster care system. Stability is so important to childhood development.)
But I suppose this question was sent because this is a blog about Christianity, which traditionally condemns homosexuality.
I donât believe religion should influence secular law for the most part just because people interpret even the same religion differently. It also creates strife in religiously heterogeneous societies. (I think heterogeneous societies in general should be avoided but thatâs a whole other discussion) I donât believe Christianity in particular demands obedience from the state.
In terms of if Christianity âreallyâ condemns it (and I know this wonât be popular with some of my readership), I actually donât think that the Bible condemns all same-sex sexual activity.
The two main texts for condemning homosexual behavior are Leviticus 20:13 (âIf a man lies with a male as he lies with a womanâŚâ) and Romans 1:26-27. (To be clear: the vast majority of Christians do not think that the penalties prescribed for sins in the Old Testament apply today, and the New Testament prescribes no such thing. This is just about homosexuality as a sin; it should be out of the question if it is to be legally punished.) I believe these passages taken together imply that the sin described is only possible between two men and the act is actually anal sex. A woman cannot lie with a woman as she does with a man because a woman cannot penetrate a woman. The Romans passage is oddly silent about same-sex relations between women, even though Paul should have said something about it in the context if he meant to condemn same-sex sexual relations in general; he starts by condemning general sexual immorality in women and then goes on to condemn a form of male-on-male sex in particular. Others may interpret this differently, but they should admit that itâs unclear.
Jesus himself mentions the destruction of Sodom, where men were having anal sex with other men, so itâs not just Paul.
The New Testament doesnât have a complete set of rules (rather, guidelines are provided by Jesus) and doesnât address same-sex relationships/marriages, as most people in the day didnât engage in such activity. (Of course, in Greece and Rome, bisexuality was common at least among men, but they didnât generally marry or commit themselves to one another, if I understand it correctly?) I really think only anal sex between men (and not even all forms of male-on-male sex) is condemned in the Bible (and to be quite honest, itâs just gross in general, including between different-sex partners, just because thatâs where your shit comes out of, like why. why.)
But I do think there is room for some form of matrimony between people of the same sex.
But Christian institutions have historically condemned homosexuality. I believe they should rethink their position but that they shouldnât necessarily recognize same-sex marriages. I donât know.
I suppose this includes transgender issues as well.
The Bible has nothing to say about transgender people. Since physically transitioning is kind of new for people with sex dysphoria, there isnât much Christian tradition about it. Iâd say most Christians think itâs unnatural.
My personal thoughts, not directly based on Christianity: While itâs true that sex dysphoria has a biological basis, whether or not sex dysphoria makes one truly the opposite sex is a philosophical question. What makes a woman and woman and a man a man? I personally canât imagine that sex dysphoria is not a mental illness; I would assert that it is, but perhaps physically transitioning is a valid treatment. I donât know. Iâve also heard way too many cases in which people experiencing sex dysphoria also experienced sexual trauma in the past. I would hate for such people to feel that there is no choice but to get expensive surgeries, but again, I donât know. Perhaps in the future there will be other alternatives to transitioning for sex dysphoria. Sex dysphoria sounds really horrible and I canât imagine what itâs like.
I believe itâs unethical to force society at large to treat people born as one sex as the other. Itâs uncommon, and society has roles for the two sexes (termed genders?), and pretending that most peopleâs identity doesnât correspond to their sex would muddle things.
I have a coworker who was born male and now lives as and identifies as a woman. I refer to her as her feminine name and feminine pronouns. She intends to fully transition, and it may be the only treatment option for her.
I wrote half of this while drunk. Sorry. I donât intend to start an argument, but since I was asked, I thought I would just put my thoughts here.
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Congratulations Brooke youâve been accepted to Crimson Revolt as Bellatrix Black!
âł please refer to our character checklist
Bellatrix is such a complex character, so it was a delight to get an application that explores so many different sides of her personality! Her possessiveness, her addiction to torture, the vestiges of insanity, her love for her family -- it all came through beautifully in your app. I know sheâll be a much wanted addition to our mix, and I canât wait to see how you explore her characteristics and allow her to grow depending on where the plot takes us. Congratulations and welcome!
application beneath the cut ( tw: death, torture, blood )
OUT OF CHARACTER
INTRODUCTION
Hi, my name is Brooke. Iâm 26 and go by she/her. I live in EST time zone, USA.
ACTIVITY
Iâm a teacher so my activity during the week can be a bit spotty if I have school functions, however I am active on weekends. So my number is anywhere from 6-8 given the day of the week. I also have the app on my phone and can post during my lunch breaks and when out and about.
TRIGGERS
*removed for privacy
HOW DID YOU FIND US?
I was RPing here a while back as Lucius, but RL got away from me so I had to drop him. My friend Orlik is still here as Umbridge so I felt like coming back now that my life is more settled.
WHAT HARRY POTTER CHARACTER DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH MOST?
I love Luna. She is someone so utterly full of life and she gives no fucks in the best possible way.
ANYTHING ELSE?
I am a devoted Ravenclaw!
IN CHARACTER
DESIRED CHARACTER
Bellatrix- Means âfemale warriorâ in Latin. This is the name of the star that marks the left shoulder of the constellation Orion.
Eris- Eris was the goddess of strife and discord
Black- a nickname given from the earliest times to a swarthy or dark-haired person
FACE CLAIM
Eva Green suits me fine! She has a wild beauty about her that fits my view of Bellatrix.
REASON FOR CHOSEN CHARACTER
Ah, Bellatrix Black. The infamous zealot for Voldemortâs cause. Wielder of the power of Occlumency. Bringer of pain and destruction. Whatâs not to love about our resident crazy witch? Sheâs wild, full of blood lust, and evil. These types of characters are a blast to play! It is a small chance to drop the modern niceties and bring out a wilder side of you. Yet, Bellatrix is a character who is not one dimensional. Yes, sheâs mad, but thereâs also passion, loyalty, and even love.
Bella (Iâll call her that even though I imagine sheâd allow no one but her sisters and Voldemort to call her that) is passion incarnate. Every action she does is done with her full self. Nothing is half assed with her. At any moment she is ready to kill for her cause and kill she will, with brutal skill and violent strength. Such is her passion that she utterly defends her cause, her blood purity, and family.
This brings us to her next point. Loyalty. She is of course loyal to the Death Eaters, but I would even say her loyalty to her family comes before that. She loves her sister Narcissa and I think, deep down, even Andromeda, though her passion would never allow her to admit it. Â The loyalty for the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black is so deeply ingrained in her that sheâd stop at nothing to make sure itâs honor is upheld to the highest. Merlin help the person who dares sully their good name. This of course means Andromeda, which brings out a heavy struggle in the two sides of Bella. Loyalty and Passion conflicting at once.
But let us not forget love. Bella has memories of her sisters that are not easily forgotten, even in throes of passion and madness. She loves them dearly as she does her master. She may not understand her feelings as love however. She might see it more as possession. They are HERS and must be protected at all costs. How she manages her love among her other traits as the war develops remains to be seen, but it is clear it will be a struggle for all involved. Nothing will stop her from her goals, not even herself.
PREFERRED SHIPS // CHARACTER SEXUALITY // GENDER & PRONOUNS
Bellatrix uses sex as a means for power. Whether it be to sleep her way to the top or to get someone hooked on her extensive bedroom skills, Bella has no qualms about working what she has. She is bisexual with a heavy lean towards women. Women are so soft and delicate and so fun to break. Â The sight of blood, dark and wet, makes her hot and she loves to break out the knives for a little fun. The feel of steel on flesh, lightly touching and teasing as it raises goosebumps on the skin makes her dizzy. But it all becomes clear once she plunges the blade into her unfortunate loverâs flesh. Muggles are particularly fun to play with, so innocent and trusting. You know that Bellatrix has been around if attractive young muggles begin to disappear at a frightening speed.
Bella does not feel love, per say. She feels possessive and things that she marks are hers are just that. HERS. Her sisters. Her master. All hers. The thought of her beloved Andromeda in the possession of anyone else fills her with rage. HERS. NO ONE ELSEâS. Andy will return, even if it means she returns to Bella in her burial shroud.
CREATE ONE (OR MORE!) OF THE FOLLOWING FOR YOUR CHARACTER:
-A MOODBOARD- Â http://www.gomoodboard.com/boards/P2Bme_9I/share
-A PLAYLIST
Starset- My Demons (theme song)
âI cannot stop this sickness taking over It takes control and drags me into nowhere I need your help, I canât fight this forever I know youâre watching, I can feel you out there
Take me high and Iâll sing Oh you make everything okay (okay, okay) We are one in the same Oh you take all of the pain away (away, away) Save me if I become My demonsâ
The Offspring â Youâre Gonna Go Far, Kid
âSlowly out of line And drifting closer in your sights So play it out Iâm wide awake Itâs a scene about me Thereâs something in your way And now someone is gonna pay And if you canât get what you want Well itâs all because of meâ
Nancy Sinatra- Bang, Bang
âBang bang, he shot me down Bang bang, I hit the ground Bang bang, that awful sound Bang bang, my baby shot me down
Seasons came and changed the time When I grew up, I called him mine He would always laugh and say âRemember when we used to play?â
Lana del Rey- Ultraviolence
âHe used to call me DN That stood for deadly nightshade âCause I was filled with poison But blessed with beauty and rageâ
Imagine Dragons- Thunder
âJust a young gun with a quick fuse I was uptight, wanna let loose I was dreaming of bigger things And wanna leave my own life behind Not a yes sir, not a follower Fit the box, fit the mold Have a seat in the foyer, take a number I was lightning before the thunderâ
IN CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE
The following section should be looked at like a survey for your character. Answer them in character and feel free to use gifs. Or, if youâd rather, answer them in third person or OOC without gifs. Answers do not have to be extremely lengthy.
â If you were able to invent one spell, potion, or charm, what would it do, what would you use it for or how would you use it? Feel free to name it:
Skin is full of holes, you know. Did you know that? Little tiny holes. Openings. Entry ways. Thereâs a phobia for that, you know. Imagine. A fear of itty bitty little tiny holes. It makes one think of something sick. Infested. Infected. Trypophobia. Foraminissanguinem is my spell. Imagine a geyser. So beautiful. Now imagine three trillion of them erupting. Each from a point nearly invisible to the naked eye. So beautiful, no?
â You have to venture deep into the Forbidden Forest one night. Pick one other character and one object (muggle or magical), besides your wand, that youâd want with you: There is one object I have always admired since I was a tiny pip of a girl. The Staring Glass Eye in Borgin and Burkeâs. Itâs quite a simple object. Unassuming. Small. Shiny. Yet it does so much more than meetsâŚwell, the eye. It resembles a glass eye. Of course, it does. A small, round, shiny glass eye with a blue iris. Pretty little thing. Would match my collection. I do so love the color blue. Once held, its owner is alerted to anyone or anything that attempts to sneak up on it. It sees through all things, solid or otherwise. Organic or otherwise. Such a useful tool, no? I believe Iâll inquire about its whereabouts. If lucky, it will remain at the store for my purchase.
â What kinds of decisions are the most difficult for you to make?
None. What a ridiculous question. Next!
â What is one thing you would never want said about you?
That I were not the very image of blood purity. I am Bellatrix Eris Black, eldest daughter of Cygnus and Druella Black, of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black. The blood of my veins is that of a pure blood witch. My lineage is pure and superior. To declare otherwise is to meet the end of my wand.
WRITING SAMPLE
The echo of footsteps reverberated around the abandoned alley. The man, breathing heavy, pulled himself along the wall with one hand. The other was wrapped protectively around his broken ribs. Each footstep was a burning agony. Each intake of breath threatened collapse. Yet, he continued on. The safe house was near. Just a bit further and heâd be with the others. They werenât expecting him, but heâd be welcomed. The information heâd acquiredâŚhe shivered slightly, feeling cold. Was it the chill weather or the rapid loss of blood that brought on the shiver? He couldnât say. A high feminine giggle echoed somewhere nearby. He paused, barely breathing. It faded in the night, leaving a haunting silence in its wake. He shivered again. Must keep moving.
Behind him, stalked a predator. The metallic scent of blood wafting in her nostrils. She shivered as well, yet for a wholly different reason. A sigh followed by another high pitched little giggle. What fun! Stooping down, one long finger reached out to touch the crimson liquid splattered on the cobblestone. A pianistâs fingers, he father used to tell her. In happier times, that is. The blood was still warm. The coated finger was raised to the womanâs lips. A fine color to match her already ruby lips. A tip of pink tongue darted out to taste the salty liquid. Another sigh, like one offered to a sweet-talking lover. Oh, this was fun.
So close. He just had to make it. She was closer, he knew. But there was no rush in her pursuit. She knew as well as he, that he was not going to make it. A tear slipped down his face, falling to mix with the blood on the stone. If he could just get close enough. If he could just find some way to alert them, then it would not be for nothing. They needed to know. He needed them to know. Another step. He stumbled and then fell. Black spots danced before his eyes, blacker than the night. The sound of footsteps drew nearer until they were right upon him. She tutted, sadly, before straddling the man. Her weight upon his broken ribs brought gasps of pain. She nuzzled him gently. Her finger, still coated in the manâs blood, stroked his stubbled cheek. A smear spread upon it, barely noticeable in his already bloodied features. She smiled, which tore a sob from the manâs lips. It was too wide, too toothy. She leaned in close, her lips almost to his ear, and whispered gently. His sobs came swiftly. âDid you really think Iâd let you go so easily?â She pressed her lips to his cheek before sticking out her tongue. She licked the side of his bloodied face and shuddered heavily. âWeâve only just begun our fun.â
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In the way you said it
Whenever thereâs representation In a manner that can be called queer Your tone and comments turn so nasty Your mouth curls up into a sneer Itâs in the tone of your voice as you watch it The characters just interact You donât openly say what you think But empathy for them you lack.
You openly mock certain groupings Try to engage me as well But itâs not funny the stereotyping Your unsaid sentences manage to tell.
Yes two guys on tv had some pet names But so do the straight couples too Exactly what part of their relationship Is considered taboo to you?
We stopped watching more than one show Because of the relationships within Now forgive me, but weâre not religious So you canât possibly see it as sin In fact when the words you donât say The laughter that openly rings About two girls in love or a transperson Are the reason no one tells you things.
According to Mulan its not genitals That define if you are a man Itâs got more to do with the moon and storms Than whatâs inside of your pants.
In the same vein a woman can be Anything she should so choose But neither or both, intermittently Are an identity, regardless of your views.
The person you like, love or lust after Can be any gender at all Itâs really up to the individual involved To make that judgement call.
No they donât advocate child-abuse Nor what the media will say But two legal adults consenting To be together will not ruin your day.
Itâs odd to hear the hatred inspired And experience the lack of empathy felt Towards two or more characters in media Dealing with circumstances dealt.
Whatâs the difference between the relationships If they are straight or something else? The shows all deal with their complex situations And give sappy scenes designed to make you melt.
Whereâs the empathy lost on the way, When the young woman decides on a wife Over some boring love interest dude to order Who was clearly stifling her life?
When the character realises his friends are attractive In a more than No Homo way Why the sudden disinterest in watching or reading Anything that features âa gayâ?
The thing is itâs all just labels designed to Try to categorise what differs from the norm To be honest, itâs a tad frustrating Orientation is not as simple as filling out a form.
Some people feel nothing romantic Others for multiple persons at once Some people want to go out on a picnic by a lake Or hold hands with their love over lunch.
They are not all heterosexuals, Nor, to be fair, are they all cis But the reality is whatâs it your business To feel that you can judge them for this.
Itâs so tiring hearing what you say, Even more in the derision of tone As if, by pretending to not be disgusted You are doing âall those peopleâ a boon.
Well the reality is passive-aggression... Tends to be more the latter For if it lent more towards the former You should hardly consider this a matter.
Representation is important to those Who rarely ever see themselves in stories It covers more than orientations And frankly, The Straightsâ˘Â are just getting boring.
Can we take another white couple Another comedic romance Where the premise is either believes in love And all the chemistry of a dead plant?
Perhaps it would be nice for once To hear the âBâ word on the screen For trans, POC and Disabled to have Their own heroes, that is the dream.
Itâs so easy to mock and despise those Whose life and barriers you cannot understand To understand the fight that has led to, Two gay characters being  able to hold hands.
Tut if you must, but itâs happening There are shows in the world just for those Whose existences and viewpoints are usually marginalised The age of Baby Boomer draws to a close.
In this society different is frightening Labelled as wrong or obscene How can the haters be so sanctimonious Considering their hands are not clean?
The conservatives voted in a man who Who pays people to kiss his posterior But even compared to his childish ilk Your negative commentary comes across as inferior.
So you donât like to see two people kissing, Unless itâs a woman and man, Somehow the merest things are sexualised, When you view two women holding hands.
If a man calls his partner babe, Sweetiepie, Darl or Megatron, The reality is, what is it to you, Take a look at your flaws, reflect, move on.
You donât want to see it in public, And you question their ability to work in certain occupations Many donât want to have them near their homes And actively exclude their âwrongâ neighbours.
How will that look on your final report, Before the great lord almighty? You know, the guy you always tote out, To sanctimoniously condescend ârighteouslyâ.
All people are humans created equal It is the society you uphold that picks and chooses Who meets the questionable standards Or normality, and decides based on birth, who loses.
You claim that tolerance is key when, Dealing with anyone falling under âthose peopleâ Because in your mind and your manner and words, They cannot possibly be equal.
Some see them as sub-human, Because of orientation, ability or skin But the reality is that the hatred inspires Bands the minorities together as kin.
They find their own spaces, and shows and representations Despite the prejudice that suppresses The evidence of inherent biology, their individuality To choose the narrative of psychological messes.
Perhaps you should date a boy instead, Lesbians often are advised. Is this about not having a father figure? Of gay men, a rhetoric that never tires.
Bisexuals, Aces and the followers of Pan Hear just as many ridiculous ideaologies As if the only conceptual path In life, is monosexual monotony.
We ask of the ace what is wrong with them, To not want certain contact or touch, Always âjokinglyâ stating, That without sex what is the use of love?
The Pan, Poly, Bisexuals prefer certain people Sometimes two or more at a singular time It does not automatically assume adultery, And yet the association is always put to mind.
You laugh aloud at the very concept, Of a woman with breasts, and a phallus instead Of what you think should perhaps be, Situated between her legs.
Likewise when a young man has to wear A binder to suppress his chest, Thereâs always someone out there who dares Ask why âsheâ is not in a dress.
Have you ever considered it is not, Nor ever really has had anything to do With your thoughts or beliefs, not your business It is their lives, and does not include you?
From the generation that endorsed a series Filled with abuse and assault Donât blame the gays for your follies 50Shades was the heterosâ fault.
To be blunt, it is just so tiring To see and hear people of all types demeaned Because the ideology of difference disconcerts you And therefore must be obscene.
The fact is your words do unseen damage To people you pass everyday Mockery and condemnation build walls And turn friends and family away.
How could they tell someone like you, The person with a poisoned tongue That they fit the categories of those you condemn Your words wound both old and young. It is always a joke, a laugh, lighten up now âYou need to stop being so severe, You and your silly internet culture, Where everyone thinks theyâre âqueerâ!â
Back in your day... you start with, As young people more informed roll their eyes You claim that âxâ never existed Never considering they did, in disguise.
Even now people cannot be open, Holding hands in public tends to invite Someone lewd to proposition or harass them Tongues wag if you dare stay the night.
So of course historical figures, then and now, From Achilles to Sappho, were very open In fact youâll find that their lives were revised By the straight archaeologists who cloaked them.
People have been people for a long time, It didnât overtly matter to many If your husband or wife, or mate for life Wore a toga, dress or barely any.
Recently people have gotten hung up Moreso than ever before About which people you SHOULD be with And itâs really quite the bore.
Men have loved men for forever, Entire societies founded on this ideal And women have loved other women Since before civilisation was real.
Some fall into either category, both at once Or then again neither, these individuals exist And have done so, sucessfully For long enough to do without your ire.
Ancient Egypt buried their people, With great ceremony, purpose and pomp Their transgendered persons always honoured correctly, Would you dare to claim they were wrong?
Evidence and history have heroes, Many of whom have been ârevisedâ For societal consumption as âeveryday heroesâ Hiding their non-standard husbands and wives.
Look to Hercules and the Gods of Olympus They had a rolicking gay time But dare ask a historian about certain art And theyâll have heterosexualty in mind.
The purpose is to say, here That the reality is, all through history, we existed... Beyond tv and comics and other media Itâs not a new fad that we twisted.
So sneer if you must when the two girls kiss, Or put down your book in disgust When the two male characters realise their infatuation Was not with the anticipated one.
But the story and characters are still there, Whether you choose to consume But perhaps consider this instead, livelaughlover They were not created for You.
To see yourself represented, Be it on page or screen As something other than the punchline or villain Feels like a wonderful dream.
It gives a sense of belonging, Normality in a world that blatantly refutes The existence of people outside of a bubble But some media actively salutes it.
An encouragement meant for the groupings Who need to see those people existing at all, The two boys on a date, the transgirl in a promdress Just humans, seeing, doing, being, normal.
So perhaps before you sneer or comment Perhaps before itâs âjust jokingâ Think about why you are acting that way, Who, in society or family, are you quoting?
Why would you consider this person contemptible Below even basic empathy and compassion When exactly did hatred and bigotry Suddenly rise into high fashion?
They are not the heroes we need, my friend But they are the representation we deserve So let go of your prejudiced ideals They are nothing you need to preserve.
- - - -
I donât know what this is, but sometimes you hear old people complaining and itâs so tiring...
#i just got tired of hearing old white people talking about anyone different as if they're zoo animals and smashed this shit out#long post#sorry
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New Post has been published on http://holaafrica.org/holaa-in-a-hot-spot-advice-on-loving-an-older-women-in-accra-cheating-with-dk-and-being-sex-starved/
HOLAA in a Hot Spot: Advice on loving an older women in Accra, cheating with d**k and being sex starved.
âHOLAA in a Hot Spot. Answering all your burning questions so life doesnât show you flames.â To submit your question click here.
Hello HOLAA in a Hot Spot,
I am a 23 year old woman living in Accra. I have been having sexual relations with much older woman for the last 6 months and, even though it started as a secret fun thing to do (she has a husband living abroad) I think I now have feelings for her. I have tried to initiate more time with her but outside of the sex she does not seem to want to hang out.
How do I ask what we are without scaring her off or messing up the sex?
Young and fallen in Love
 Dear Young and fallen in Love,
I cannot guarantee that having this conversation with your lover will not scare her off. However it seems that you and her need to have a conversation about the emotional boundaries of your relationship.
As a poly-positive person, I do not think that her being married is necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes queer people make decisions to live hetero-centered lives for safety and security. It is not entirely foreign for queer women to enter heterosexual marriages in order to protect themselves against homophobic families and communities.
However, the boundaries of every relationship need to be negotiated in order to avoid people catching feelings which cannot be reciprocated, which seems to be what has happened here.
Firstly you have to have to do some emotional honesty with yourself and sit down and ask yourself what you want from this relationship. Once you have established what YOU want then you have to ask yourself what will happen should your older lover not want the same.
Conversely also consider the situation where your older lover wants the same thing as you. Do you think you are emotionally capable of being with a married women? Although I am poly-positive, polyamorous relationships rarely work where one of the partners have not consented/or been made aware of the arrangement.
Once you have considered these possible outcomes, I would advise that you sit your older lover down and have a conversation about what she wants. A boundary conversation will help make decisions from a space of emotional clarity and honesty.
Boundary conversations are always hard and she might not receive it well. But you have to get into the practice of establishing emotional boundaries and expectations in your relationships as early as possible. This will help you to avoid emotional manipulation and toxicity in future relationships.
Lastly, without sounding morbid, youâre 23, relationships should not overburden you, they should be about discovering yourself, establishing what YOU like and do not. At your age youâre supposed to be discovering yourself at the emotional, spiritual and physical levels. Youâre supposed to be learning from YOUR mistakes not the mistakes. You are definitely not supposed to have the decisions of others imposed on you.
***
HOLAA in a Hot Spot,
I have a confusing confession, whenever I date a woman I always cheat on them with a man even though I hate the sex I have with men. I do not want to have penis inside me but I cheat on EVERY single woman. Why do I do this? What is it that makes me keep going back and how do I fix it?
Please help me understand this,
Confused Lesbian
Dear Confused Lesbian
There a multiplicity of issues which Iâd like to address in relation to your question. First and most immediate is the question of safety and protection. It is entirely selfish of you to be potentially exposing partners to the level of health dangers you are exposing them to.
Your cheating might be exposing your lovers to a number of sexually transmitted infections. Your behaviour is fucky. Further cheating in this way amounts, in my mind, to abuse. Your partners have not consented to a poly relationship, your cheating exposes them to a number to health risks that they are not aware of and are therefore not able to protect themselves against.
Now thatâs out of the way, lesbians sleeping with men is not unusual. Queer womxn sleep with men for a variety of reasons, mostly survival. Strategic heterosexuality helps Queer womxn protect themselves from homophobic family and communities. We live on a continent where a boss can fire you for being homosexual.
Your cheating might be a result of your internalised homophobia. There are a variety of reasons why people cheat. The cheater might not know what they want or they might want to know whether they are with the right person. Sometimes people cheat because they are fearful.
If I had to give you a direct answer, I would say your cheating shows signs of indecisiveness and might come from a place of fear. Because of the narrative of impermanence around being gay/lesbian/bisexual i.e. that it is âjust a phaseâ. It is often difficult for lesbians/gays/bisexuals to believe in the legitimacy of their relationships. This often makes commitment difficult. This can cause us to âact outâ in various ways.
I would suggest that you do some introspection and figure out why you cheat. You might gain some insight if you are able to identify the stage in your relationship at which you begin cheating. It might be that you begin cheating when a relationship shows signs of maturity and commitment.
This might mean that in your relationships with women you need affirmation from your partner that she is still committed to the relationship and still wants to be with you. You will have to learn to ask your future partners to be more affirmative about their commitment to you.
If you want to address your behaviour you will have to be honest to yourself and give yourself the time to understand why you act the way you do and the motivations behind those actions.
***
Good day HOLAA hot spot,
I met the most magical woman and for three months we have been talking, flirting, hanging out, making out and cuddling. It is so nice being around her but the lack of sex is getting a bit much. I am being patient and calm but I really want to f**k. I think she does too but we it seems we are both waiting and too scared to ask. How should I bring it up without looking too thirsty?
Thank you in advance for your help,
Needing that sweet drink
Dear Needing that sweet drink
You need to talk. The beautiful thing about being lesbian/Queer is that, heterosexual rules around âthirstâ do not apply to us. In addition it really is okay to be thirsty that is exactly how your body is designed to respond to sexual stimulus â which you are having a lot of.
Good sex is about communication and it will be mighty difficult to move beyond this stage without having a conversation with your partner/sex-buddy about sex. Because of the nature of Queer sex â we have bottoms/Tops and Studs/Femmes, âdonât touch mesâ/Dykes/Aggressives/Kuchus/Trans* â we have to have to have THE sex conversation.
The sex conversation covers a lot of things including what your partner is comfortable with/what they enjoy and what they donât/what sex role they prefer and what sexual acts they want or do not want.
However you begin the conversation you must be clear about what your expectations and boundaries are. Consent in sexual interactions is incredibly in order to ensure that both of parties enjoy the experience.
You can begin the conversation a number of ways. My partner suggests you just blurt it out â her exact words are âShe must just let her partner know, Iâm sexually attracted to you and I want you.â
I would advise, if you are still fearful, to perhaps send her a text. A text allows you to express yourself safely without being overwhelmed by the anxiety of being in front of her.
Do not be afraid to seem/look thirsty, she might actually find your thirst desirable. The great thing about a person thirsting over you is that you know they want you and being desired by someone who matters to you in affirming.
Go forth and spread the thirst.
MaThoko and others are here to answer your questions on the podcast, videos or right here on the site so submit them here. For more about HOLAA in a Hot Spot click here.
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I've been out as a lesbian for years now, made many queer friends, was certain to never date a man and was cool w that. However, recently during a trip I met a guy that I think I developped a crush on. I find him physically attractive (never did with a man), we share a lot of values, he's nice and has many qualities I like in someone. I think he reciprocates, and I should be enjoying the flirting cause it feels nice but im anxious instead. Reworking my whole identity at this point feels like a mess, and if we do end up dating I can't help but wonder if I'd miss women + coming out to him about my past feels dreadful. I've never been with a guy but had many gfs, opposite gender sex is totally foreign to me and it's a source of fear. He lives abroad for work so it's hard to meetup but for now it's more of a blessing rn. I need more time to get to know him better in any case, cause it's too early to say im in love yet, but i'm def interested. Sadly, the stress of changing my whole life makes me overthink everything and prevents me from enjoying the moment! Any advice?
I understand that this can be a stressful realisation to someone who has always thought of themselves as a lesbian. However, I want to remind you that your queerness doesn't go away just because you have a crush on a man. Bisexuality is a thing (which you know, hence why you messaged this blog) and it is exactly as queer as being gay/lesbian - there is no hierarchy. You're not suddenly "less" queer because you developped feelings for a man. Thinking that is a form of (internalised) biphobia.
You identified as a lesbian for so long because that was the word that fit you. You didn't do anything wrong by calling yourself that but you're also not doing anything wrong now by listening to your heart/gut and recognising that this man is making you feel a certain way.
What does this mean for your sexual identity? Could be many things. Maybe you were always bisexual with a very strong preference for women ("homoflexible" is another word for that) and only just realised that because of this man. Maybe you were, are and always will be gay but this one man is the big exception (I have a straight friend who is 1000% firm in her straightness, yet she had a 3 year relationship with a woman because sometimes things don't go as planned). Even if you feel like "lesbian" is still the right identity for you, that doesn't mean you cannot explore and try things out. The queer community is so big on encouraging straight people that they should explore same-gender stuff. Why can't gays and lesbians be encouraged to explore different-gender stuff?!
Why are you afraid of "changing my whole life"? Why would anything have to change? Even if you were to enter a relationship with him that doesn't mean you cannot be an active part of the queer community anymore. Even in an m/f relationship you can do things to affirm and validate your queerness. If any of your friends cuts ties because you are suddenly not a "picture perfect gold star lesbian" anymore then they are a) biphobic and b) people who try to police your identity and love life, so it's better to stay away from them anyway.
As for how the guy would react to your queerness? I'd recommend telling him as soon as possible. Because if he is at all homo-/biphobic you'd rather want to know it now than later. Tell him! Also tell him about your insecurities and be open about the fact you have not been with a man before. If he likes you and is a cool dude, then he will help you be comfortable and I'd hope you two have fun exploring things together. Any questions you have about sex with a man you're welcome to ask here (or check out our sex ed tag) but it's also no shame to ask him things like "how do you like me to touch you? is this good? I'm not sure what to do next, can you show me?" You may realise that it's less different than you're imagining it to be. And remember that just because there's a certain genital combination between the two of you, doesn't mean that you have to have certain types of sex. You can do whatever you are comfortable with and curious about.
To circle back to the start: yes, I know this is all overwhelming and new. Try not to worry about any of those presumed "consequences". You are still 100% queer. If anyone gives you shit for it, then they can get lost. Having sex with and dating a man doesn't make your life any less queer. You can be exactly as out and proud as you like to be (okay, yes, invisibility that can come with bisexuality sucks, but there's things you can do to counteract it). Sexuality can be fluid and sometimes it changes in ways we didn't expect it to. Maybe you're bi, maybe you're still a lesbian with one exception. So what? Neither of those options is something to be ashamed of. Try to have fun and enjoy the exciting feeling of exploring something new.
Maddie
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i mentioned last week that âbisexualityâ is a frustrating concept with a lot of baggage, and i wanted to expand on that a bit. iâm gonna talk for a bit about how bisexuality is conceptualized within the dominant framework of gender and sex, which classifies everyone as a man or woman, and what implications this has for how people think about bisexuality. itâs not comprehensive.
commonly, "bisexuality" is conceptualized as an orientation or behavior comprising two (dual) elements: eroticism with men and eroticism with women. the dualism between men and women--imagined as complementary elements that come together in heterosexual union--is a key factor in how (bi)sexuality is understood. iâm going to expand on this a bit just to provide some background.
within the dominant gender paradigm, sex, romance, and marriage[1] take place between a man and a woman. the gender dynamic of a couple (man/woman, man/man, woman/woman) is therefore given immense social significance. this significance is less apparent when sex and marriage take place between a man and woman. these are either seen simply as âsexâ and âmarriage,â or else rendered immoral or illegitimate because of the particular men, women, or activities involved.Â
however, the significance of the sex-gender composition of a couple becomes immediately apparent when it deviates from the prescribed heterosexual dynamic. sex between two men or two women stands out as perverse, unnatural, or unreal. and the idea of same-sex marriage is considered farcical. it fails to meet a supposedly ânaturalâ definition and purpose of marriage, which is partially linked to a marriageâs potential for containing legitimate (reproductive) sex--a criteria that all sex within a same-sex marriage would categorically fail to meet. not only is âhomosexualityâ marked and visible in a way heterosexuality isnât, but itâs confined to the level of (illegitimate) sexual activity. in contrast, heterosexuality permeates multiple areas: sex, courtship, marriage, parenting, kinship.
the asymmetry between âhomosexualityâ and âheterosexualityâ is important to keep in mind. there are further asymmetries hidden within these categories. for example, same-sex behavior has historically been interpreted and stigmatized through the lens of âgender inversion.â participants who are identified as taking the sexual (gender) role assigned to the âoppositeâ sex particularly stand out as a deviant factor. in fact, physical or psychic âbisexualityâ--which has an original meaning of âhermaphroditismâ--was proposed as an explanation for feminine men who desire sex with (normal) men and masculine women who desire sex with (normal) women, who were seen as the true homosexuals or inverts.Â
so how does this all play out over the concept of âbisexualityâ?Â
like homosexuality and heterosexuality, bisexuality is a word whose meaning is supposed to be obvious in its construction. it references âtwoâ sexes, either within a single organism (as in its original meaning) or as subjects of a single orientation. the word foregrounds the dualism in societyâs understanding of gender and sex, and implies bringing together two (opposite, complementary) elements--men and women. this is a source of much frustration, because it is this very gender dualism that makes bi sexualities seem paradoxical.Â
in a sense then, âbisexualâ is a compound category. if heterosexual and homosexual each reference a single gender dynamic (man/woman vs. same-sex) or object choice (women for straight men vs. men for gay men), then bisexual is identified by the presence of both dynamics or object choices at once. conceptually, itâs a dynamic produced by the proximity of two more basic dynamics. each of those two dynamics can exist independently: every sexual encounter between two people could theoretically be categorized as heterosexual or homosexual. but bisexuality must contain both elements, while not being reducible to either.Â
this has important implications for where âbisexualityâ can or canât be seen. situations can only be read as bisexual when they contain a person relating to men and women at the same time or in close succession. for instance, if a person is perceived as âgoing back and forthâ between men and women, this can be read as bisexual behavior. similarly, threesomes involving men and women may be identified as bisexual. itâs telling that notable evangelical homophobe james dobson said of bisexuality: âthatâs orgies!â for many people, threesomes and promiscuity are the behaviors most specifically associated with bisexuality. at least three people are needed to make bisexuality apparent.
when a bi person couples with a single person at a time, this typically isnât read as âbisexuality.â itâs read as either homosexuality or heterosexuality, depending on the specific gender dynamic thatâs present. on one level, this makes sense: society differentiates couples and acts based on gender dynamic, so they are encountered by other people as homosexual or heterosexual. on another level, the elision between behavior and orientation results in people being read as gay when in gay relationships and as straight when in straight relationships. not only does this erase a bi personâs sexuality (its contents or context), but it erases the relevance bi sexuality can have on a personâs relationships and life.
one strategy bi people have employed to assert the continued relevance and reality of their bi sexuality--even while not engaging in âbisexualâ behaviors--is to emphasize that sexual orientation is defined by internal attraction, not just behavior. itâs possible to maintain a meaningful âbiâ sexuality even in contexts that seem straightforwardly heterosexual or homosexual.
while this is true, the logic of gender dualism renders the concept of a âbisexualâ orientation paradoxical. at a very basic conceptual level, it doesnât make sense to be âorientedâ in two directions (toward men and women) simultaneously--especially when these âdirectionsâ are considered complementary opposites. (in one bi feminist book i read, a contributor proposed that we think of bisexuality not as an orientation, but as an absence of orientation.)
as an orientation, âbisexualityâ has the same conceptual constraint of needing to always contain two elements--male and female object choices--in order to be distinguished from gay or straight orientation. when only one object choice is apparent, âbisexualâ seems to dissolve as a meaningful status: youâre left with a sexuality containing a single object choice, so where does the âbisexualityâ come in? insisting on the persistence of a bi orientation is taken to mean that two object choices are present--and expressed--all the time. in effect, three people are still needed to make a bi orientation meaningful: you and the representative man and woman youâre longing to be with.Â
(the idea that there always must be a third, that a single person cannot satisfy a bisexual longing, leads to the idea that bi people are inevitable cheaters, as iâve discussed here.)
essentially, the constraint that bi orientation must have two âactiveâ object choices present at all times (to avoid collapsing into a non-bi sexuality) flattens out desires and actions--which may exist across time and in a variety of forms--into a single temporal plane and relevance. in fact, bi people frequently donât have both or either object choices âactiveâ at a given time. sometimes a bi person goes a while without crushing on anyone, or only crushes on a single gender over a period of time. we should be able to see bi sexuality as a field of potential--the contextual ground of our sexualities on which specific points of desire (for men, women, or anyone else) can appear, and which continues to be meaningful no matter what points (if any) appear on it at any moment or over any span of time.
there are many other factors that can get lost in the common conceptualization of bisexuality. for example, not every feeling of desire or attraction is weighed the same or carries the same relevance. gender can also play a complex role in a bi personâs attraction; itâs relevance can differ among bi people or change over time for a single bi person. (e.g. some bi people would prefer to date a representative of each gender; some donât see gender as a relevant factor at all.) additionally, there is simply a stunning diversity in how bi sexualities manifest, how they are defined by the bi person in question, and what they mean in a given context.
ok iâm gonna stop here for now, but thatâs NOT all i have to say about it.
[1] why am i talking about marriage? because marriage is a significant social institution that organizes âthe familyâ into the basic economic and social unit of society. when i say âsex or marriage,â assume iâm referring to a range of topics from sex to marriage, including: dating, romance, ârelationships,â co-parenting, and kinship.
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History of Homosexuality, and why I donât want to be Gay.
-TRIGGER WARNINGS- Exactly as the title states. I will briefly be going into the history of Homosexuality in America, and explaining why I don't want to be gay anymore. I want solutions. Anything. Â Â Â Â Something that has become such a big part of our ever growing society today, and has grown to be accepted as a common sexuality. Something that has sparked the growth of an entire community, the LGBTQ+ community. With the ever lowering hate towards homosexuals, and the growing acceptance of love, there must be some reason I feel as I do about the matter. Yes, I do not want to be gay anymore. The reasoning for my statement lies within my personal life; if I come out to the people I care about, I'll lose their respect, it's putting me at a bad position in society, and I'm starting to hate myself for it. For you to understand some circumstances, and get some semblance of the bigotry, but also heroism of the situation, you need to know the history. Â Â Â So, before we can go into this, we need to look into the history of homosexuality in America. In the 18th to 19th century, following the American Revolution, crimes known as sodomy (bestiality) and buggery (anal intercourse) were deemed capital offenses in some states. In the 1828 publishment of Webster's American Dictionary, the author: Noah Webster, included multiple homosexual terms in his book. Following long after, both Presidents Buchanan and Lincoln were heavily speculated to be homosexual. Restrictions against loitering and having sex in public was installed in the late 19th century. From 1900 to 1965, as the turn of the twentieth century began to happen, multiple groups worked in hiding to attempt to advance the rights of homosexuals, but little to no information is known on them. In the 1920's homosexuals were more frequently included in films, some films such as "The Surprise of a Knight", and "Dizzy Red Riding Hood". After WWI, homosexual recognition in films only grew greater, however homosexuality was a crime punishable by deportation. From the late 1940's to the 1960's, multiple shows and radio channels begain focused on homosexuality. The homophile movement began in the 1960's, this is the time the sexual revolution becan. Gay and lesbian pulp fiction brought in a new era. From 1965 to 1999 is the time in which gay liberation was brought about. In june, 1969, the police raided a gay bar known as Stonewall Inn, and for one of the first times in America history, the patrons in the bar began to actibely resist the arrests. Three days after, people who had no alliance to homosexuals began to riot against police brutality. The gay liberation movement spread to countries throughout the world, and have influenced modern gay rights organizations. This brings us to present day, the 21st century, where gay rights have become more prominent than ever... or are they? Â Â Â Â This thought brings me back to my main point: I do not want to be gay anymore. While it is true that gay marriage is legal in almost all of the states, it's still considered 'illegal' in places such as my home and my schools. While I do know that my family loves me, I know that if they knew that I was gay, they'd lose most of their respect for me. You see, I want to be respected, and try to do as little as possible to lose peoples respect, especially people I care about. I especially do not want to lose the respect of the people that I care about most. I find great joy in having those who I care about put me on the same level as them, and I know that if I came out they'd lose respect for me. This is because my grandparents are christian, and while they are open-minded people who keep their opinions to themselves, they still do not agree with homosexuality, and they would instantly lower their expectaions for a homosexual. My father already knows that I am gay, however I know that he wants me to be straight. Everytime I speak of being with another woman, he is suddenly and unexplainable saddened. While it hurts to see them so disappoointed in me, I am aware that it is more than them who have decided to grace me with their thoughts. Going onto my peers and disrespect for gay people, it turns from disrespect to downright abuse and bullying, which brings me to my next point; Â Â Â Â Being homosexual is putting me in a bad spot in society. Those who are gay tend to stereotype me, and because I am bisexual, I tend to recieve a lot of hate because I am 'greedy', and if I am female and am not straight, I must only be attracted to females. The same is said towards straight people, only reversed. It is rather unfortunate that I get so much hate when I do so much to highten peoples opinions of me, however it reaches past discrimination, bringing me back to my past point; I am bullied and verbally abused at my school. While the college program I attend is more open-minded, the same cannot be said for the highschool I am also attending. I get bullied, ignored, and verbally abused every single day that I am at that school. I am often called 'fag', 'dyke', and other like names. This wouldn't normally bother me, if it weren't for the girl I was with previously was slut shamed, and forced to move schools because of how badly we were treated. She is willingly undergoing conversion therapy online, and has not talked to me since the incident. Now, her friends have told me that I have ruined her life, and I feel only the deepest regret and apologies within me. Teachers and students ignore me at that school. They'd prefer not to associate themselves with the queer. That isn't so bad, right? Wrong. I hate being ignored, it makes me feel like nothing. After that comes the gossiping, the tripping, and the shoving. I was never hurt, per say, but there were many attempts to hurt me after news came out from someone that I was homosexual. After that bit of information leaked, gossip went around school, slut-shaming me, and everyone now knows me as a 'fag'. I was pushed off of the bus twice, which honestly not bad, but it is harrassment nonetheless. I was tripped multiple times within this time, and I have had my life threatened on multiple accounts. Â Â Â Â Finally, I am seriously starting to hate myself for being homosexual. It's not like depression, where I hate everything about myself, it's where there's a concentration on one specific part of myself: my homosexuality. I can't help but think that if I weren't gay, then all my pain would disappear, and I'd finally be who I wanted to be. I hate myself whenever I think about a woman in such ways, because I just imagine everyone around me, what they would do if they knew what I was thinking. I know plenty of gay people, and they don't bother me, because it feels like they were meant to be the way they are. I don't quite know what it is, but I feel like I messed myself up. I shouldn't be gay, I think I just read too much on the matter, and it has affected my personality. I feel alone, and no one seems to care. Sometimes, I can't control myself and flirt with women. I can see the looks of disgust, and I am sick with myself. I hate the fact that I am homosexual, more than can be described within words, and that is all I've to say on the matter. Â Â Â Â Â Conclusionally, I do not want to be gay because of loss of respect from all I know, the difficulty it is putting in my life, and how I am growing to hate myself because of my homosexuality. I honestly don't know what to do. I wrote this essay in hopes for something to happen, anything. Be it a conversion therapist who is offering his kind hand to me, or a friend who offers me methods to cope.
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Gender 101 and How to Be An Ally
At Girls Gone Strong we believe there is no wrong way to have a body and recognize that everyone who identifies as a woman is a âreal woman.â
 As someone who works with and advocates for transgender and gender nonconforming youth, I really value this particular statement from the GGS mission.
GGS believes in helping women become our best, most authentic selves, and in uplifting other women to do the same. Understanding the complexities of gender and gender identity can be a critical part of affirming someoneâs authentic self.
Though transgender and gender nonconforming folks are more visible in the media, pop culture, and American political landscape than ever before, not everyone spends a lot of time thinking about the complexities of gender. There is a lot to unpack from behind the words âgenderâ and âgender identity,â and we arenât generally taught these things unless we take a womenâs studies or gender studies course.
This means itâs likely youâve heard people use language and terms related to gender that you may not understand. Thatâs okay! Language is always evolving in the LGBTQ community and sometimes itâs hard to keep up. 3
So letâs delve into Gender 101 and break some of these things down.
Learning the Language
When weâre born, we are assigned either male or female identity (what we usually just call âsexâ) based on medical factors such as hormones, chromosomes, and the appearance of our genitalia. This is called assigned sex or sex assigned at birth. 1
If youâre talking about a transgender person (in this example a transgender woman), instead of saying âShe used to be a boyâ or âShe was born a boy,â it is preferable to say âShe was assigned male at birth.â Using this language clearly demonstrates that the sex assignment was another personâs decision and not related to how someone feels inside, or their gender identity.
We all have a gender identity, every single one of us. This is our internal sense of being male, female, a combination of those things, or none of those things. 6
Though âLGBTQâ is an acronym that lumps together sexual orientation and gender identity, the two terms do not mean the same thing. Sexual orientation (such as being gay, bisexual, lesbian, or queer) is about our attraction to others. Gender identity is about who are are inside. 4
A transgender person is someone whose gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. Itâs okay to use the term trans as shorthand for transgender. (Note that âtransgenderedâ is not grammatically correct and shouldnât be used.)
Being trans is not a phase. Assume that trans folks are as sure of their gender as you are of yours.
We are probably most familiar with either male to female transgender people (sometimes shortened MTF) or female to male (FTM) transgender people. Though plenty of trans folks have the experience of transitioning from one gender to another, there are many who have more complex gender identities.
This could mean that their gender identities are fluid and change over time. They may not see themselves reflected in the gender binary of male/female identity or may reject the idea of gender altogether. Such folks may refer to themselves as nonbinary or genderqueer and use gender-neutral pronouns such as they/them. 1
You may have heard trans folks telling their stories and saying they were âborn in the wrong bodyâ or want a âbody to match their brain.â This is the experience of some trans folks, but not all! And not all transgender folks elect to transition medically. Though some may use hormones and undergo surgeries to create the desired changes in their bodies, some trans folks do not choose to do this. Medical transition can also be expensive and inaccessible to many.
Transgender people who donât transition medically are still transgender and should be recognized as such. There is no such thing as a âfullâ medical transition, and surgery is not a measurement of who is trans and who is not. 6
Itâs important to note that not everyone who exhibits gender variance is a transgender person. Think about the women in your life: some may present in a more masculine or âbutchâ way, some may present in a much more feminine way than you do. Gender expression is vast!
Cisgender (pronounced âsis-genderâ and sometimes shortened to âcisâ) is a term that means, simply, that oneâs gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. It means not transgender. If someone refers to you as cisgender or cis, do not take offense. Itâs just a way of saying that you do not share the experience of being transgender. 7
Our society expects that if someone is assigned male at birth, they will express their gender in a masculine fashion and engage in traditionally male interests and activities. Conversely, we expect that if someone is assigned female, they will express their gender in a feminine way and be interested in typically âgirlyâ things. The way that someone expresses their gender to the outside world is gender expression. It is safe to say that people do not always easily conform to the aforementioned expectations, and that endless combinations of assigned sex, gender identity, and gender expression are possible.
At GGS, all women are welcome â regardless of the sex they were assigned at birth, and if their gender is fluid. The mission statement says ââŚwe recognize that everyone who identifies as a woman is a real woman.â I would take it one step further and say that transgender women donât just identify as women. They are women.
Itâs okay if new language and terms feel clumsy to you. Language evolves and changes all the time. If youâve never done it before, you may feel strange using gender-neutral pronouns to refer to a singular person. While it may not âfeelâ right grammatically, itâs okay and important to use language in new ways!
Also truth be told, we use gender-neutral pronouns to refer to singular folks all the time, for example someone whose identity we donât know. Such as âOh, the delivery person came? Where did they leave the package?â And the Associated Press Stylebook recently recognized the use of âtheyâ as a singular, gender-neutral pronoun. 2
The importance of respecting a trans personâs pronouns cannot be overstated. If youâre cisgender, itâs your responsibility to work through your own discomfort with the new language.
Though you may be hesitant, it is not offensive to ask someone what their pronouns are. Always ask if youâre uncertain. Folks who are trans, or whose gender expression may not match their assigned gender, will appreciate this.
If asking feels uncomfortable, perhaps lead by introducing yourself and your own pronouns. âHi, Iâm Erica, and my pronouns are she/her.â Practice going out of your comfort zone!
Being A Good Ally
So itâs okay to ask about pronouns, but what should I not ask a transgender person? Great question! There are definitely a few things that you should never ask about. They include:
Whether or not theyâve had any surgery or are using hormones
What body parts they have
What their old name was
A good rule is to ask yourself: would I be comfortable if this person, possibly a stranger or acquaintance, asked me about my medical business, body parts, and private history? Most likely the answer is no, so donât ask! 5
Also avoid asking transgender people to speak for all transgender people, or to provide you with transgender-specific resources that you could find yourself by doing a quick search online. Trans people get asked these questions by well-meaning allies all the time, and itâs not work they should have to do for us. Using the internet, it is not difficult to find resources ourselves.Â
There are many practical ways you can move forward as an ally to transgender folks:
When youâve learned someoneâs pronouns, make a strong effort to correctly use them.
Briefly apologize and keep the conversation moving if you accidentally misgender someone. Itâs likely that at some point, you will mess up someoneâs pronouns. Do not be offended if they correct you. There is no need to stop the conversation for a long apology that could make things more awkward for the trans person â just keep it brief.
Refer to folks only using the language they use themselves or the language theyâve given you permission to use. For example, donât call someone genderqueer unless theyâve explicitly asked you to refer to them with that label.
Take care to not out someone. This means donât talk about someoneâs status as a transgender person unless theyâve given you permission to discuss it with others. It can be dangerous for a trans person if theyâre outed. 5
A good (and easy!) rule is to use gender-neutral language whenever possible, especially when youâre addressing a group. Try âhey, folks,â âhey, everyone,â or âhey, friendsâ instead of âhey, ladiesâ or âhey, guys.â
Be open to learning and growing with regard to these topics. There really is no end to learning about how gender works and how good allyship works. Even people within the LGBTQ community are learning all the time.
Here is more information on being an ally to the transgender people in your life.
If youâd like to know more, these are some helpful resources.
The National Center for Transgender Equality
Transgender 101 from Everyday Feminism
Trans Women of Color Collective
A Comprehensive List of Transgender Resources from GLAAD
For Trans Athletes
References:
âAnswers To Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, And Gender Expressionâ. American Psychological Association. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017.
http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx
Easton L. âMaking a case for a singular they.â Associated Press Blog. 2017. Web. 24 March 2017. https://blog.ap.org/products-and-services/making-a-case-for-a-singular-they
Finch, Sam. âTransgender 101: A Guide To Gender And Identity To Help You Keep Up With The Conversation â Everyday Feminismâ. Everyday Feminism. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://everydayfeminism.com/2016/08/transgender-101/
âPFLAGâ N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.org
âSupporting The Transgender People In Your Life: A Guide To Being A Good Allyâ. National Center for Transgender Equality. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/supporting-the-transgender-people-in-your-life-a-guide-to-being-a-good-ally
âTransgender Terminologyâ. National Center for Transgender Equality. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.transequality.org/issues/resources/transgender-terminology
âThe True Meaning Of The Word âCisgender'â. com. N.p., 2017. Web. 18 May 2017. http://www.advocate.com/transgender/2015/07/31/true-meaning-word-cisgender
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