#it’s the spiral of my thoughts. wheeeee

[charnel-doll]

being mentally ill but also chronically online is. interesting. because im having a spiral (wheeeee) except my thoughts about how much i hate myself are interspersed with “fuck my stupid baka life’

[notyetbulletproof]

“A boy from the barrel who had become something worse”.

Before the end of the book and considering that it follows the line about Inej - “A Suli girl who had become a killer” (the juxtaposition of that!). I think we can all agree that it’s suppose to suggest that Kaz had become worse than a killer. Vengeance had made him a monster? A soul beyond redemption?

At the end of the duology though? What’s worse than a killer in a place like the barrel? What’s worse than a monster? A good man. A better man. Having a heart. Being in the barrel and of the barrel and choosing to be more than the debauchery? Could that be an alternative option for what constitutes as “worse”? Kaz still rejects the idea that he’s a hero. A good man. Inej reminds him that his insistence that he is a monster can do more good than even he believes. There is more. He can be more than the barrel. He’s not just any other barrel boss. He’s Kaz Brekker, he decides what he wants to be. Don’t go after working folks and fair pay. Go after the scum, the evil, the people that profit off the mindless suffering of others.

Become something worse — a different kind of vigilante. A different kind of “good”. Their kind.

As @murderbabies (who I thank again for talking about my random Crows/Grishaverse screamy times with me) was saying—- by the end of the series Kaz starts to strive to be something different, something more, a better man. The meaning changes.

And when we think about it, it changes for all the crows.

“A Gambler”, Jesper, starts to confront the issues that have fuelled his restless and occasionally reckless nature. He starts to find meaning in who he is and what he can do. Starts to explore what embracing that side of him might lead to. Starts cracking away at the misplaced shame that he placed on his identity and how it’s so painfully tied to the loss of his mother. His conversation with Inej always cuts so deep because it’s someone who loves you (and who you love) telling you to stop ignoring your pain. That it’s okay to hurt. That your hurt is just as important as everyone else’s. You don’t have to push it down anymore. To have Inej tell Jesper to not try and erase or make it disappear?? The beauty of that! What that means for them both. To have each Crow point something out to him in different ways and have Jesper start to accept that it’s not “part of his personality”, it’s a manifestation of ill coping mechanisms he’s developed to deal with the trauma he’s suffered. He also found love. Someone that sees him as he is and all that he could be if he sees what they saw. Protect Jesper Fahey.

“A Convict”, Matthias, raised to believe his enemies were inhuman and lived for the cause and revenge— changed. He kept his honour. He fought for a cause he believed in. A found family and the promise of a better world for his people and homeland. A world where they didn’t fear what they didn’t understand but lived up to the ideals of their religion. He literally died trying to help another person and FORGAVE the person for fearing what he didn’t understand. Matthias, a kid soldier who grew up and saw the world differently. Who questioned his own beliefs and would drink the poison no longer because he saw the truth for himself. “He’s like us Nina.” (😭😭). That battle between what he was taught to believe and what he actually knew to be true. Loving someone enough to not just see where you’ve both hurt each other but the error of your beliefs. To see the humanity in other people. Gosh. I cry for you Matthias.

“A wayward son”, Wylan, who for most of his life was made to feel he was less because of a learning disability. His strengths overlooked, played down. His learning differences treated like a death sentence. His father literally tried to get him killed because he couldn’t read?!?! He could learn better with music, setting things to rhythm. Excellent at math and science (You’re a fool Jan). Wayward because he was difficult to control? To mould into a corrupt mercher? Or because he was his own man even as a child? Even if he didn’t understand yet that family isn’t always found in the people that you’re related to. By the end, he found his family and reunited with his mother. Found love. His people. The ones he’d break rules for, risk it all for. More than that? He found himself. His purpose. Learned that the biggest thing holding him back was his own shame. That he wasn’t a wayward disappointing son. He had a disappointing (and evil) father. He’s not stupid (say it again and Jesper’s gonna deck ya!), he learns differently. You kick ass Wylan.

“A lost Grisha”, Nina, raised to be a soldier, a spy. Raised to defend her country at all costs. A country that within itself still has a tenuous relationship with her people. A country recovering from civil war. At the beginning she’s a grisha without a country. Staying to ensure she helps rectify what happened to Matthias. Beating herself up for who she had to become. She accepts the offer to join the Dregs, becomes besties with Inej. Makes a home. Her loyalty was to Ravka but by the end? It hasn’t changed per se, it’s grown. Her loyalty is to her home, to her found family. She risks EVERYTHING, to save her friends. To protect them. She can’t bring herself to do what a soldier would do and end Kuwei. She agrees, he’s like them. He’s a kid who had no say. Nina stepped into the person she was born to be— a protector. She wasn’t lost anymore and she wasn’t just Grisha, she is the Queen of Mourning. She’s a friend. She’s a Crow. She’s unstoppable. She survived what should have killed her. She fought so fucking hard to come back to herself, to embrace who she now was, who she had become. She found purpose again. Confronts the truth about her own country, the faults as well as the triumphs. She continues on. You’re unstoppable Nina.

“A Suli girl who became a killer”, Inej. The juxtaposition of those 2 identities. Who the Suli are, who they are understood to be, what they believe VS. What Inej had to become to survive. “Rather live free as a killer then die as a slave”. She’s a spy. She’s lethal and dangerous to those that cross her and hers. Still there is how Inej feels each time she has to make that decision. Why it’s done— to protect her found family, in self defence. Yet her reverence for life. The sins she atones for. The code she holds herself to. The Saints she seeks forgiveness from. Her unwavering faith. Her strength of character, the courage of her convictions. The purpose she finds. She isn’t going to let anything else be taken from her and on top of that?? She decides that she won’t let those wretched people take any more from any child or person. She decides her purpose is to save as many as she can and to take down as many of the bad guys as she can. All that trauma and it didn’t change her goodness. With Kaz and the Dregs, she had more agency than before but now she’s in-charge of her own destiny and she’s choosing to save others. She’s a killer, sure, if you’re a bad dude. In so many ways she’s a saviour too.

With all this is in mind, I really do think that “something worse” doesn’t mean monster. Well, to their enemies, maybe. I think it’s set up like that and just like all the Crows have, Kaz becomes something more. They always were, he always was but it took time for them to see it. It took time for Kaz to see it for himself too.

God bless The Crows.

[jude-harley]

mental health wheeeee

i’m going to talk about some mental health stuff, it’s okay if you don’t read, there’s some self harm talk and some friendship drama (i don’t blame them but i still have some feelings and if u think it might apply to you don’t worry i still love and care about you unless you don’t want me to love and care about you in which case i will respectfully maintain my distance) and also i feel like it’s kinda guilt trippy but i literally don’t know so

it’s just alot of me dumping my thoughts and feelings i’m not trying to look a certain way i hope, and i’m not trying to argue anything i don’t know this is just feelings 

but i’d really appreciate it if you like the post if you do read the whole thing

woooooooooooooooooooooooooooow okay so i got some feelings

see, for someone with mental health issues, a fucked up past, and all the shit i’ve gone through, i’m actually doing pretty damn well.

key word: for.

i....... mean, it’s like.

on the outside, i’m doing okay. i have pretty damn good grades (A’s and B’s, even at my super hard school!), i socialize with people, i eat, i sleep, i bathe myself (most of the time.) hell, i haven’t even self harmed! 

well, i don’t know if i’ve self harmed or not, i guess. i don’t really know what counts as self harm. but i haven’t caused any physical damage!!!!! 

and so, so, so many people would tell me i’m lucky. but i can’t help but feel, am i really?

i know that probably sounds incredibly fucking spoiled, but it’s like that one comic about how the broken cup is mended, and the chipped cup is cracked forever.

i’m not kidding when i say that. i internalize everything and trap my feelings and never let them out, but they don’t go away. ever. and then like, i don’t have a standard of what “normal” is, and i wind up suffering and in pair for so long because i just keep going and going and going and going and nobody notices and i think it’s normal because none of my work is affected and i’m still productive and i help other people so nothing must be wrong???

i stayed with my abusive mother for so fucking long because of that mentality

i guess what i’m saying is that the very specific life i’ve lead has cooked up a brain with a very weird.... brain thing. i don’t really think i can call it a mental illness?

see, my mental health so much revolves around other people. i need other people as a reference point for whats okay, it fluctuates based on other people’s opinions of me, i place my self worth on how useful and productive i am, and the main, absolute main reason i’ve stayed alive and never self harmed is because of other people.

but like.... not in a good or healthy way. well, right now, since i’m out of my abusive mom’s household i’m doing better and am trying to stay positive and motivated with things like “you can’t die yet because you haven’t shown your art to the guys who made avatar yet!” i mean, that’s still based around other people’s opinion of me, but at least it’s a more stable goal than appeasing my mother.

like, i swear, the day that she took away my computer, and screamed at me and hit me until i was sobbing in my bathroom, THE ONLY THING stopping me from cutting out of how much i hated myself was that it would make a mess, which was not good or productive.

and it’s just???? been like that for so fucking long???? i know “any reason to not self harm or commit suicide is a good reason” but it doesn’t FEEL like a good reason. i still hate myself so, so, so, so fucking much. i feel genuinely worthless. 

and it’s like.... you know, maybe it would be better if i self harmed? maybe i should? because then maybe someone would care because literally all it fucking takes for me to feel good is someone telling me i do good. that’s...... that’s fucking it.

and yeah i guess this is partially about some shit that happened with an online friend group that resulted in me getting banned from the group chat (i made a hitler joke without thinking, it was along the lines of “don’t kill baby hitler if u travel back in time lol” and spiraled so out of control) and i genuinely feel fucking awful about it. and i’m not angry at them. i’m really not. i guess i just wish that, i dunno.... honestly. i wish i knew how to think and what to do exactly? because i had fucked up without thinking before and i’ve apologized before and said i would get better, and i’ve really been trying, i’ve been trying so hard to get better, but like, they’ve said i haven’t actually gotten better and i do feel really bad and idk i don’t know if i actually have gotten better and they were just angry or if i haven’t improved i dunno

and like the worst part is that i feel like i can’t express that i really am sorry without sounding like a liar and a faker and fucking manipulative and just trying to get it over with (even right now!!!!) because that’s how my mom was and god i feel like even right now i’m making more fucking excuses because i’m just a shitty person like that. i’m so sorry if it is like that don’t feel bad 

but also i guess it’d be nice if when calling me out and shit they had made me feel like less of a despicable person like they literally did say alot of shit like that and i don’t even remeber who did it (there were three times i was called out within the group chat, the first time i really WAS doing something shitty and i needed to be called out and i felt alot.... idk cleaner afterwards and i think i really did improve

the other two times i guess it was really just one guy who’s real name i don’t know and a couple other people (it’s such a blur i can’t remember) who were fairly justified but idk i wish that they weren’t so harsh about it i guess. i mean they didn’t have to be like “what u did wasn’t that bad uwu” but it would have been nice if they had been more like “what u did was shitty, but you can learn from it.” i mean i’m not trying to be passive agressive here this is legit how i feel. also i feel like they didn’t believe me when i apologized and i’m paranoid about being guilt trippy when i talk about my feelings (see: my mother) and i guess this just made it worse because i can’t say that it’s just my mental illness, there’s a strong basis for fact here and every time i feel bad about it i just feel more guilt trippy and it’s a horrible vicious cycle

DISCLAIMER IT IS NOT MY FRIENDS FAULT I STILL LOVE THEM AND I MISS THEM EVERY DAY BUT I WANT TO RESPECT THEIR DESCION TO NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE

mina, vi, madi, if you are reading this, i am sorry, i really am. you don’t have to forgive me or be friends with me again but i don’t hate you and i don’t want to hurt you. i understand that i might hurt you without meaning to and it’s better for you to be away from me, that’s okay. but i want you to know you aren’t bad people, and i don’t hate you or not like you, and you guys deserve the best stuff in the world.

i dunno, i guess this kinda got off topic. odds are they won’t actually read it, and i still feel guilty trippy and bad. like so so so fucking guilt trippy. i feel fake and like a faker and my moiral hasn’t been online for a while and i really miss her

tldr: i feel like fucking shit and a faker who guilt trips people because i hurt some people and feel about about it and because i manage to remain functional and productive despite my shit and it makes me feel like a faker and also makes me want to self harm because it’s not actually that bad unless i self harm. i don’t actually want to die thank god now that i’m out of my abusive mother’s household but i’m so close to self harming. 

WARNING I TALK A SHIT TON ABOUT DEATH AND SUICIDE AND SELF HARMING

i mean i feel like it wouldn’t hurt if i just. did it once. you know i already get so many intrusive thoughts about hurting myself i could maybe just..... cut myself a couple places on my arms. on my legs. not neat, messy, natural, like i got them in a fight or in an accident. but i guess then nobody would still notice unless i told them but maybe i could tell them 

but if i told them then i would just be a faker, right, cause i don’t actually wanna die. again, literally i don’t want to die because it would be an inconvenience to other people. i have maybe, like, one reason i don’t want to die that isn’t “i’d inconvience other people and make them sad despite the fact that i’m a useless piece of garbage because one, death in general makes people upset, two, i’m leave behind such a mess, not just physically, but with all the paperwork too, and three, people wouldn’t actually miss me all that much, they’d feel sorry for themselves, feel soooooo bad because oh no where did i go wrong, all the bullshit like that.” of course, some people would be more than inconvenienced, my dad, stepmom, sister, pets, and hopefully my two best friends would be heartbroken, but my mom would only mourn for her hypothetical daughter, not her real kid who’s gender is... i don’t even know. probably a boy and a girl. but she’d never accept it. 

anyway, my only reason for living other than what’s stated above is i have to go show the avatar guys my work, and my long term reason for living is making a tv show a la gravity falls that alex hirsch loves so much he guest stars in it and maybe even works on it with me.

so alex, if you go, i go too.

but yeah see if i did that i’d jsut be doing it for attention and everyone would hate me because i’m amking a mockery of a real and serious mental illness. and then if my dad found out i’d be sent to a mental institution for a week (protocol where i live, if your child shows suicidal ideation, send em to the hostipal) and other people would be like, “yeah i’m in cause i took 48 prozacs and then went swimming in a pool of vodka that i not only drank but attempted to drown myself in” and i’d be there like “yeah uh i cut myself once for attention and it was specifically planned out in a place that wouldn’t kill me but would attract just enough attention to get other people to sympathize with me because atm i don’t actually want to die, i just kinda hate myself” and then they’d all hate me cause i’m a fucking faker who’s passing all they’re classes and even did well in most of them and is on track and doesn’t do drugs or have sex or do anything dangerous and i don’t really hate myself and i’m just a fucking leech on resources who think’s they’re depressed BUT THEY ARENT AND I’M JSUT A DFUKCING PIECE OF SHIT

and see i know this would happen because at my local lgbt+ club lots of people think i’m a faker and a prude or maybe they don’t and they see me as 100% mentally healthy or they even envy my life and if i hated myself they’d be like “wtf????? ur life i so good man???? like, only one parent is abusive??? you have good grades???? you handle urself??? you have friends????? you aren’t as bad as me”

and okay maybe they don’t treat me like that and they probably don’t but it’s how i feel. i feel like shit and a faker but why do i want to hurt myself so much but not die that doesn’t make sense

but listen if you get to the end of this, and you are reading this. this isn’t a situation where i’m like, “tell me how awful i am” see because after reading this i guess you get that i hate myself but i don’t hate myself but i hate myself for not hating myself that much 

so if ur reading this and u wanna help yes, yes, validation and positivity and “ur not a horrible person or a faker” would be unbelivabley helpful because like i said i’m very impacted by other people