#it’s sometimes hard to have compassion for people who like to wallow in self pity and never want to get better

[peaceeandcoolestvibes]

💀 I wanna drag but I won’t bc some teachers read my shit and a couple majored in THAT, all in all, I don’t have to say what everyone thinks

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[sunnys-rewatch-blog]

S2, E1

"It's Alive"

TW: SA mention

Whoohoo! We have passed the landmark of reaching season 2. So far I am still very much enjoying myself, in spite of the many criticisms you see here.

It is absolutely horrible that someone had proof Jenna was SA-ing Toby and they did nothing to help or protect him.

"He's probably on his way to the meat grinder!"- thanks for the visual, Em. I guess her and Alison bonded over being fucking morbid and watching Mr. Meaty.

They were blackmailing Ian? Doesn't blackmail imply some kind of manipulation or extortion? Oh, the money!

Are the adults really trying to take these kids to a therapist as a display for public sympathy? No wonder they're so resistant and feel like it's punitive! This is something that should come from a place of compassion and care! It's so infuriating, by making them feel like they're completely being forced into it you're setting them up to resist treatment instead of getting help. How was Alison not traumatized with the knowledge that they would care so little about her death?

Fuck. Off. Peter Hastings.

Wasn't anyone gonna tell me you can buy breast milk online, or was I just supposed to find out from PLL? I looked this up and it's actually true. I don't know what to do with this information, but now I have it.

Aria is, realistically, going through so much right now and both Ezra and the showrunners think Ezria is so goddamn important we have to have this little "Are we over?" chat like. Right now. Man, I get it in a way, but sometimes you need to be okay with being on the backburner.

Where even are the Cavanaugh parents?

Pam, truly, could not be any more wrapped up in herself. What is she thinking, with this move to Texas? I understand the family stuff and wanting to be with your husband, and even wanting to leave this town where your neighbor's kid died and weird shit keeps happening- but Emily is kind of...involved in a murder case. She's been questioned several times in regards to this investigation at this point, and that doesn't show signs of stopping, especially since she is also now involved in a second death. I don't know what they do if they need to conduct a police interview across state lines. Maybe it's as simple as making a phone call.

More to consider, though, is what do you know about queer acceptance in the area? That's something maybe a homophobic "cishet" (in quotes because it's implied but never confirmed, in-cannon) wouldn't think to ask, but there are places in the US where LGBTQ+ acceptance hasn't progressed much. From what I know- thanks to a friend who has Texan contacts and has visited at least once-the major cities are generally pretty accepting, but other areas vary wildly. It's still common for people to move to safer places, some have to stay closeted until they can do so. Queer culture is Googling the new city you're about to move to so you can assess your personal safety.

Side note- what even is Pam's profession? Is she supposed to just be a housewife? Last time I checked, "wallowing in self-pity and feeling personally victimized over my daughter's sexuality" doesn't pay very well.

...how much time has passed since Lucas left to go pick up Caleb? How much school has he missed? Someone should be looking for him, too.

Is this supposed to be group therapy? Or are the writers just banking on having an audience that doesn't know how therapy works?

Caleb sure does fall hard, fast. He really went all the way back to Rosewood just so that Hanna wouldn't think he left without saying "Goodbye."

And, to be fair, Mona ripping up and trashing his letter isn't anything that most good friends wouldn't do. If they weren't trying so hard to sell us "Haleb= True Love," this would be portrayed as commendable.

I know the whole "fake dating to true love" pipeline is a trope, but they do it with at least two of the Liars and it's not really satisfying in either case. In my opinion, it sucks all of the enjoyment out of it for the narrative to keep it a secret from the audience, there's way more joy in it to watch a scheme unfold- especially if both characters have an investment in the farce. The way it's done here doesn't build tension, so when the boiler explodes it seems sudden and out of place.

The girls have had one complete session with this therapist and she already thinks they should be forcibly separated.

Why would the name they picked out be something only Ian would know? I don't think Melissa even once implied this name was a secret. Maybe it makes sense in her mind that no one else could have possibly been told before she was told and couldn't have found out after.

Even though I don't find Ian likeable, and he's kinda squicky going after young girls, I almost wish he had been alive. I want to see what effect that would have on the story.

[c0smicheaux]

Twelfth House Planet Placements

Sun-

The twelfth-house sun person feels that their right to develop into someone who shines in the world isn't supported and assisted by their father. There is a feeling that they must "do it alone". They may spend some time wallowing in self-pity before they find the strength to accept the responsibility of finding and developing their hidden talents. The twelfth house is the house of hidden talents, so once these chart holders get past feeling sorry for themselves for having to be so independent from such a young age, they are rewarded because all of the extra effort makes them shine sooner and stronger. Even after they learn to shine, twelfth-house sun people feel forever drawn back to that nebulous, unconscious, universal fog of their childhoods. These chart holders can teeter between feeling used and abused by the world and feeling compassionate towards the suffering of others. 

Moon-

Childhood is often painful and lonely. Over time, these chart holders have no choice but to learn how to self nurture. Sometimes this is done with drugs or alcohol, but religion, meditation, philosophy and service to others also satisfies the nurturing need. The ability to find a productive way to self-nurture that isn't self destructive is difficult and often takes years. It's easy for these people to fall into depression and feel lost and alone. There is a vague feeling of confusion about how to find comfort and nurturing on a daily basis. They don't know what they like or how to really feel satisfied. A hollow feeling is always present and can never really be filled. Some feel that life will never truly satisfy them and that the afterlife or spiritual world would be more satisfying. They are mystified by anything that can draw them out of the mundane day-to-day world and into something greater and boundless.

Mercury-

Mercury's desire to communicate is stifled in the twelfth house. These people as children were criticized for what they say as much as how often they say it. They grow up feeling that their opinions don't matter and aren't worth expressing. This can create an adult who talks about themselves and their opinions incessantly, yet it is done unconsciously. When accused of it, they are astonished and deny it, yet they continue to do it. They have an unconscious need to express themselves verbally because they have a pervasive feeling of being ignored and not being heard. This is why they deny it. In their minds, they are the people who are always lost in the fog of the world and never heard or understood. They are not the people who are so confident as to talk about themselves and advertise their thoughts and ideas. These chart holders can make great writers as this is truly their hidden twelfth-house talent. Because they have had to fight for their perceived right to speak and express their ideas, they often learn to excel at it.

Venus-

Feeling guilty about enjoying pleasure and not understanding consciously how to enjoy pleasure are common themes for a twelfth-house Venus. Values are foggy and the chart holder doesn't feel they own their values. Parents may have discouraged fun in their childhood setting up a situation in which these people weren't allowed to explore the world enough to really understand what they like or value. In adulthood, they are easily swayed into being told they should enjoy or value this or that because they can't pinpoint it themselves. Any form of artistic expression helps with Venus in the twelfth house. Through art, which is a hidden talent for these people, these chart holders can let their unconscious express their values and their sense of beauty, fun and pleasure. Eventually, by using a medium like art, the unconscious can be made conscious and these people can see what gives them pleasure and what they value.

Mars-

Being raised by parents who teach that children are not allowed to show aggression, anger, or to exert their will is common with a twelfth-house Mars. Even if the parents didn't state it plainly, it was assumed by the chart holder to be the general rule of the home. As adults, these people often impose their will or fighting spirit without consciously realizing it. It is common for these chart holders to forever see themselves as they were as children, agreeable and submissive. They often politely fight their way to the top of their career and silently make sure they get what they want out of life. To directly express the wants of their will is seen to them as rude and selfish. The direct expression of anger is also difficult for them and they may try to work out anger in dreams, ending up with nightmares. These people always have a lingering feeling that they are too submissive and others see them as weak. They constantly strive to be strong and stand up for themselves. However, all of this effort throughout their lives makes them very strong people who are able to exert their will while still having compassion for others.

Jupiter-

Jupiter's need to expand, be free and overdo things now and again is repressed into the unconsciousness of those with Jupiter in their twelfth house. The twelfth-house Jupiter person unconsciously yearns to break free, grow their ideas and explore their world. When Jupiter is repressed into the unconscious by childhood feelings or experiences, it turns the unconscious into its playground. The unconscious is limitless, boundless and infinite, making it a fitting place for Jupiter, which can be described the same way. They are a match. The beneficial planet Jupiter can run free here and philosophize on the largest, most abstract scale. This house placement can produce famous religious leaders, writers, and teachers, as these mediums can be used to express their Jupiter. At worst, these chart holders have a lot of vague, outlandish ideas that are scattered and unproductive. They can't find expression in the world, and find their outlet in vices such as alcohol.

Saturn-

 From a young age, these people are required to take on many responsibilities, and it's assumed by their unconscious that it is normal. They feel they shouldn't criticize their parents for their load of responsibilities. They're no better than their parents and shouldn't contribute any less to the family. They shouldn't compete with siblings for attention or preferred treatment. Twelfth-house Saturns are supposed to be hardworking, responsible, and self-sacrificing. They should suffer in silence, which they do. They are haunted by a vague feeling of restriction and lack of options in life. Sleep problems are common due to vague stress and guilt over perceived wrongdoings or flaws. Their unconscious is always reminding them to stay tough and plow through problems and difficulties while somehow remaining humble also. At best, these chart holders find their hidden talent of using Saturn's strength as the strong, hardworking father symbol of the zodiac to accomplish a great deal in life while never getting bogged down in petty competitions with others or in self-pity. 

Uranus-

Uranus, the crusader for righteous change, has its spirit squashed in the twelfth house. These chart holders grow up feeling like they should never rock the boat and create disturbances in the status quo. There is always a vague feeling that they understand the world better than the rest of their family, but they're not allowed to reach out and grab the world they see. They are bound to the world of their parents. It isn't that their parent's world is bad. It may be that their parents are bound by certain social protocols in their community or by their careers, and the chart holder just feels closed in and blocked. In adulthood, however, the chart holder is released from the parental bond and can make those changes, but it's always like walking in mud. The twelfth house muddles the picture and although the twelfth-house Uranus person wants to break out and make changes, they are never quite sure if they should. Working with established organizations to push for social change is an excellent outlet for them. They may also find release in art. Their hidden talent is to gently push for change and righteousness while realizing that people are comfortable in their established ways and don't want to be pushed too hard or fast. They are skilled at helping with compassion.

Neptune-

Daydreams, fantasies and diffused ego boundaries stem from a twelfth-house Neptune. These people can ride the line between what's real and what's imagination, going back and forth between the two at will. Growing up as children, they are constantly told to wake up and pay attention, to stop drifting. Yet even as children, they are the ones who can truly listen to and empathize with family members in crisis without judging. But when everyone is doing well and no one in the family is in crisis, they are the ones criticized for their lack of focus. The chart holder may slip away into the oblivion of mind altering substances or physically remove themselves from people by living in solitude or in a small group of unattached people where they can have space and live in their imaginations. At worst, this leads to a break with reality and detached, delusional behavior representing the unconscious' need to be recognized and appreciated can cause the chart holder to lash out at others in an attempt to gain recognition and control. At best, great artistic talent can come from this scenario. Their pain and their ability to escape into their imagination combine to make a creative personality.

Pluto-

As children, those with twelfth-house Plutos feel powerless. There may be extremely inflamed emotional issues in the family, and the child's needs, wants, and desires are seen as unimportant and are ignored. Finding back doors and ways to wedge their influence into situations becomes a theme for them, and they live with a nagging sense of resentment toward anyone who seems powerful. In the best scenario, twelfth-house Pluto chart holders are able to use their hidden talent of understanding even the most subtle workings of power to make a career. They gain their own power from their success at work. Detective work, politics or any field that allows them to examine or manipulate power struggles or structures from behind the scenes is perfect for them. At their best, they can also be extremely empathetic and passionate about helping the powerless in society. At their worst, they allow the resentment towards those who they perceive as powerful to fester in their unconscious, and they perform vengeful acts without even being fully aware of their intent and possible harm.

Source; southfloridaastrologer dot com

[backinblack1967]

The Annual Feeling of Loss or You’re Never Alone (Seonghwa x Reader)

A/N: Hi, everyone! :) Over the years I’ve written several little stories but never had the courage to post them online. I’ve been struggling with the death of my dad the past few months and what better way to cope with it than with writing it down, I thought. So, I made a one-shot with ATEEZ and a reader insert. If you don’t want to read about it, you are warned. (Please be warned that English isn’t my mother tongue, either.)  

To be honest, this one is more fluff and (bad) humour after the initial angst. Feel free to leave a comment, ask me about anything or maybe even leave a request for a future scenario.

XXX Sarah

Seonghwa x Reader x platonic!ATEEZ

word count: 3,011

***

네가 힘이 들고 지칠 때 When it’s hard and you’re tired

찾게 되는 그 곳, 나 그 곳이 될게 the place you’re looking for, I’ll become this place

아무 것도 놓을 수 없어서 when you have nowhere to lean on

삶이 버거울 때 꼭 네 곁이 될게 when life is too much, I will be next to you

(BTS - With Seoul)

***

It was that day again. You had dreaded it for the last 2 years and you hated yourself for it. When your father had been alive it had been a funny coincidence that your birthday was on the exact day before his, but when he’d died you had come to loathe both of your birthdays because they had become a constant reminder that you’d never see him again. Never hear his voice again or feel his arms around you in one of his famous bear hugs.

Yesterday you had celebrated your birthday with your friends, trying to suppress the rising feeling of dread and sadness. Currently, you were sitting in a small café, or more like hiding from your best friends you whom were living with. You could try bullshitting them with the excuse of cramps or a migraine, but some would undoubtedly see behind your carefully constructed façade.

And so, you had gone out in the early hours of the day to seek refuge and distraction in the crowds. You were currently sitting in the farthest corner with a cup of warm chocolate in front of you and your iPad and pencil in the other, trying to force the thoughts from your head onto the canvas. Sometimes drawing them helped to forget a little. Or to remember the fond moments you were especially frightened of forgetting over time.

This morning, when you had opened your old chat to listen to his voice again, you had barely been able to contain your cries. The audio messages were still there but the little icon on top which should show his picture had been empty. Maybe it was because he had been offline for too long and at that thought, uncontrollable sobs had taken over your body. You had decided to leave your shared flat then because you didn’t want to ruin their short time off by bringing their jovial mood down.

You had left a note on the kitchen table saying you would be back in the evening and that they shouldn’t wait up if it got later.

You figured if you could only get through today you would be fine tomorrow. Distract yourself until nightfall, sneak in and sleep it off.

Admittedly, you had entertained the thought of talking to Yun-ho this morning and whether you would feel better wrapped in his arms but then you had decided against it. You didn’t want to burden either of them and you really didn’t want them to see you as weak. For good measure, you had turned off your mobile phone so you wouldn’t be tempted to call them or your mom.

***

What you didn’t know was that back in the dorm every sense of carefreeness had been abandoned hours ago. San hadn’t been particularly worried when he had found your note first – sometimes you just ventured off to calm places to concentrate.

He couldn’t blame you when their dorm resembled a playground filled with 5-year olds high on sugar more often than not. He had been curious why you would be staying out late on a weekend but Hong-joong had reminded him that people like them needed the occasional day off to gather inspiration and that you would surely confide in them if something was bothering you.

They had unanimously decided to wait up for you to ask if anything was wrong but to otherwise leave you be for the time you were away. However, San had seen Seong-hwa and Yeo-sang trying to sneakily call you several times through the day. When he had asked them about it, both of them had admitted that they had a bad gut feeling. Both of them had been with you on some of your “alone days” without the others knowing, so their feelings wouldn’t get hurt. When he had gathered all of his team members to tell them exactly that, they had been surprised to hear because as it turned out you had always taken one of them with you when you had gone out “alone”.

Now they were worried. Had something happened? Had they unknowingly done something to hurt your feelings? Or had it been someone else? Jong-ho had oh so kindly offered to beat up anyone who might have hurt their girl, Min-gi volunteering as well. Both Hong-joong and Woo-young had hurriedly convinced them not to do it, in remembrance of the last incident.

And then the phone had rung.

And it wasn’t who they had expected. An angry, high-pitched female voice had greeted Yun-ho on the other end, making his smile drop. That wasn’t you. And she was neither speaking Korean nor English. He picked up two familiar words, however, in her rant: your name and the word “papa”. With wide eyes he told Hong-joong and thrust the phone at him as if it would bite him any minute.

Hong-joong switched the phone to speaker as he waited for a break in her venomous monologue. They winced from the apparent fury in her tone without even understanding what she was saying. When she paused to draw breath, Hong-joong hurriedly interrupted her in English.

“I’m sorry, I assume you want to talk to Y/N, but she’s currently out. May I ask who you are?”

The woman’s voice had turned condescending at that, mocking him for his “horrible” English pronunciation in a sickly-sweet tone before she continued to rant about her little irresponsible and stupid sister who wouldn’t even come home for her deceased father’s birthday. Like, who did she think she was? Not even calling her elder sister to ask her if she was alright on such a somber day. Hong-joong didn’t detect a smidgen of sadness in her voice or any compassion for her family member. And suddenly your absence made incredibly much more sense.

He figured he would let her let off steam before getting rid of her and looking for you with his brothers. It was twenty minutes later when he couldn’t stand the insults hurled towards you anymore and told her to shut up (which shocked his members as they’d never heard him speak less than respectful to strangers or older people). He had tried to tell her of your compassion and warm heart, how you helped everyone around you and brightened their days. But for every positive trait or deed your sister had responded with another insult which were growing more and more farfetched.

They others weren’t too good in English but with certain familiar keywords, their leader’s expression and the tone of the woman’s voice they could piece together the gist of what was being said. Even Yun-ho’s patience began wearing thin as he watched Joong’s expression turning more and more agitated and downright hurt.

He threw a glance at their eldest who held a pensive expression on his face as he stared off into the distance. When Seong-hwa noticed Yun-ho’s pleading gaze and the various distressed and confused faces around him, he lightly tapped on Hong-joong’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Joong, don’t you want to end this conversation? It doesn’t seem to go anywhere… Could you wrap it up and tell us what exactly is going on?”

He nodded and said a few sentences to the other person on the phone that left her silent with surprise.

“You will have to stop right there, miss. I won’t tolerate you insulting my friend any longer. I have no idea how you got this number but please refrain from calling again or I will see myself forced to talk to our manager and lawyer. Have a good day.”

There was a brief silence before Yeo-sang voiced what all of them were thinking.

“So… who exactly was that and why were they so angry at Y/N?”

Hong-joong explained that your older sister had called from home and that today was the birthday of your father who had died two years ago, shortly before his birthday back then, too.

San hugged Woo-young when his face crumbled into sadness at the news. He could vividly imagine what it meant to lose a family member and he didn’t wish that kind of devastating heartache on any of the people he considered family.

Hong-joong couldn’t bring himself to repeat the insults your sister had hurled at you and relied as much to the others. He was visibly angry whereas Seong-hwa looked more concerned.

“Should we go look for her? Do you have any idea where she could be?”

“Don’t you think we should give her some space until she comes back, Hwa? I mean, she obviously had a reason to leave for the day.”

Yun-ho trailed off unsurely because he didn’t want to do anything else besides wrap you in his arms and to cuddle the sadness away.

“I think we should wait here. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be with her right now, either, but we don’t know where to start searching. And what if she comes home while we’re running around Seoul? Let’s just wait and cheer her up when she returns,” proposed Yeo-sang, ever the voice of reason, although he didn’t seem to be happy about it. “I don’t want to overwhelm her or make her uncomfortable.”

Min-gi was the first one to agree. “Then can we prepare a movie evening and order take-out?”

***

It was dark when you decided you had wallowed in self-pity and bitter-sweet memories for long enough. You trudged through the darkened streets until you found yourself staring up at the building of your dorm. You had decided to come home earlier than planned because you honestly couldn’t take being alone anymore.

You needed their smiles and distracting chaos to ground yourself in the present and to remind yourself that everything would be okay at the end of the day.

You forced a smile on your face as you walked up the flights of stairs towards your home. Shortly before you reached the front door, you turned on your phone again only to take note of the several missed calls, all of them from your extended little family except one from your sister. You weren’t sorry that you had missed hers, she would have solely reproached you anyway for your so-called heartless behaviour towards her.

You stuffed your phone into your jeans pocket, touched that they had tried reaching out to you despite your little note. You felt childish for ignoring them now.

You had barely unlocked the front door and put your keys on the hook next to it, when something slammed into you and wrapped their arms around your shoulders. Another one joining seconds after at your back. Blinking in surprise, you returned the hugs and automatically your uptight body went lax in their hold.

You felt surrounded and loved and so completely at home.

Judging from the familiar scents, you were currently between San and Min-gi. Over the latter’s shoulder you could see Woo-young nervously bouncing on the balls of his feet. You smiled at him and it felt less forced than all the hours before. When you beckoned with your hand towards him, he bound over to your little bunch and joined the tangled mess. You giggled at their puppy-like behaviour.

“Did something happen? What’s gotten into you, not that I’m complaining?”

“We just missed you,” came Woo-young’s muffled reply.

You smiled at his admission, “I missed you, too. All of you.”

When you had untangled yourself from the hug a few minutes later, Min-gi took your hand and led you towards the grand couch in the living room.

You took in the other members sitting on the couch and on the nest of pillows and blankets before it, with steaming take-out containers scattered in various places.

“Okay, something definitely happened. Are we celebrating a new song? Do I need to beat somebody up?”

You earned various smiles for that and Seong-hwa patted the free space between him and Yun-ho on the couch. You accepted his invitation and after they had wrapped their arms over your shoulders you inquired once more, “Now tell me. What happened?”

There was a tense silence before Hong-joong spoke. “Your sister called today.”

Dread replaced your uplifted mood as you felt the smile slip from your face. In a small voice you asked, “What did she say? … Oh my god, I’m so sorry, guys. I don’t know how she got this number.”

Yeo-sang hushed you from his place at your feet, one hand running up your knee.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think she will call again. But why didn’t you tell us about today? You know you can tell us anything. We love you.”

You fiddled with your fingers, touched by his sincere words.

“I love you guys, too. It’s just- I just didn’t want to bother you on your small holiday. And I thought that if I … don’t need comfort or if I don’t talk about it, it would go away sooner. Like it didn’t actually happen.”

Hearing your reasons out loud made you wince because of how pathetic they sounded. You really were childish.  And as horrible as your sister said, for trying to forget your father’s death. I’m sorry, papa. I miss you.

Your self-deprecating train of thoughts was interrupted by a soft palm on your right cheek.  

“Sweetheart, whatever you’re thinking right now – stop. You’re not stupid for trying to forget or for being insecure. And you can always come to us if something is bothering you. Have you forgotten the many times you were there for us? Isn’t that right, guys?”

All around the room, there were affirmative nods and assuring smiles. You smiled and leaned subconsciously into his touch.

“I- I think I know, Hwa. I was just being stupid. Sorry for worrying you.”

He leaned in with a soft smile until his forehead and nose were touching yours. You squirmed at his closeness and your obvious blush on display for all of them. He had always been a bit touchy-feely with you, but you had passed it off as Woo-young, Min-gi and San rubbing off on the other members.

You were sure your crush was blatantly obvious right now. Your love for Seong-wha went far beyond the platonic kind and you had been afraid to tell him – or anyone – in fear of making things awkward. But in that moment, as he gazed deeply into your eyes, you could have sworn he felt the same for you.

Your little bubble was interrupted by Woo-young’s coos and Jong-ho clearing his throat.

“So, uh… can we start movie night now? I’m famished.”

You all laughed at that, but you still caught the knowing smiles on their faces. Seong-hwa winked at you when he retreated slightly.

You barely registered Yun-ho mumbling something about popcorn, being far too occupied with Seong-wha draping a blanket over the both of you and engulfing your hand underneath it with his bigger one. You snuggled closer to him, leaning your head on his shoulder. The need for comfort and skin-ship was making you a little bolder than usual.

Yun-ho and Min-gi returned with two big bowls of popcorn and snuggled back into the pillow fort. The next few hours were spent laughing at the people in the movie, munching popcorn and gorging on your favourite take-out.

Sometimes happy moments made you sad when you realized you wouldn’t get to share them with your father. This time, you felt whole and as if you could face any problems as long as they stayed by your side.

There was a comfortable lull in conversation and no more remarks at the stupidity of certain movie characters a few hours later when everyone became sleepy. Your head rested drowsily against Seong-hwa’s shoulder, his cheek on the crown of your head, hands intertwined and blissful smiles on both your faces. You were happy, sorrows not forgotten but dulled and overshadowed by the feeling of absolute belonging.

You heard Yeo-sang whispering and giggling with San.

“Hm?” You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at them.

“Oh, don’t mind us. We were just wondering when one of you will gather enough courage to make the first step,” Yeo-sang remarked matter-of-factly with a good-natured smirk on his face as he made a sweeping gesture towards you and Seong-hwa.

Your earlier blush returned full force. You pressed into Seong-hwa’s chest to hide from their encouraging gazes. His chuckle rumbled underneath your ear as he drew you closer with his arm.

“There you go again, ruining my plans to tell her. And do I have to remind you that most of the time it was one of you two who interrupted me when I was approaching the subject? I should put both of you on dish washing duty for the next month,” he answered jokingly.

You had perked up in the middle of his sentence. Was that an indirect confession?

Your head peaked up at him, catching the warm smile directed at you.

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course, I do. So, what do you say, Y/N. Do you want to be the Light Fury to my Toothless?”

“Yes,” was all you managed through the big smile on your face.

What had begun as a horrible day had ended as one of the best days in your life so far. And all thanks to your little extended family and the guy you had fallen in love with.

“That’s nice and all, but please keep things PG-rated, alright? We have a baby in our midst.”

As Jong-ho hit Yun-ho over his head, Seong-hwa threw you one of those smiles that were a cross between amusement and internal suffering. You giggled and snuggled closer again. You were home.

A/N number 2: Reposting this again because I’m old. I actually messed up the hashtags. Please help, haha.

[1stunseeliefaelass]

Darksiders Arthurian Tales Revisited

Chapter 26: Hauntings Ancient and New

"To be honest...I want to protect the ones I care about. And my Mama calls our home a tavern, but it's really a brothel. My Mama and the girls mean a lot to me, they were there for me when no one else was. Seeing the abuse some of those girls endured....just made me want to protect them. Mi familia." Arn tells her after some thought.

"That's a very honorable virtue you have. I hope you get to see your family again." Anna replies taking his hand.

Arn feels a warmth he's been missing for a long while. Course then his stomach interrupts that for him. He turns bright red as Anna giggles at the massive growl that comes from it. Luckily their food comes on down soon enough. Anna begins savoring her meal of lamb chops happily, whilst Arn enjoys a juicy steak inside broth. Arn's eyes widen as he savors the first bite, before he begins devouring it quickly. He stops halfway into it though as Anna is holding back the urge to giggle again. That and he can sense a possible boot about to be thrown his way. So he cleans up his manners and begins eating slowly like Anna is doing. He then chooses to pay for the meal to be a gentleman, since he has money from his arena winnings. Anna is thankful but decides to pay for a dessert for both of them to share. A pretty hefty ice cream sundae clearly made for two. Anna gets all giddy each time their spoons come close. Arn then gets an idea and asks if she'd like a bite of the ice cream flavor on his side. Anna nods accepting it, and lights up with delight as he spoon feeds her the bite. Her ears flitting to and fro to Arn's own delight. He's then surprised by Anna doing the same for him. His tail pops out and wags a little bit as he accepts the bite, then her smile makes his ears flit as hers are doing. Anna sees his tail is out and decides to reveal hers too, feeling comfortable enough around him. Oddly enough, it's got a cream colored tip that looks a bit like a heart. Arn can't help but comment on it.

"That is kinda cute."

Blushing a little Anna tells him, "Really? I used to get bullied for it."

"At least you have some color. Mine is just black.", Arn says raising his tail to show her.

"The guys who teased me probably would've liked you. They were all for solid colors, and compared me to a fox."

"I likely would've made them eat their words. Plenty of girls I knew had pretty fur colors." Arn states with conviction.

"Really? Shame we only met today. Would've enjoyed such a sweet protector."

Arn chuckles before saying, "And I probably would've liked having such a beauty for company, a f-friend even...if n-not more."

Anna giggles and blushes hard, "You really think I'm pretty?"

"Yes. Y-you're pretty. B-beautiful even!" Arn quickly shouts in extreme nervousness before holding his mouth shut.

Anna is surprised by that proclamation of course, "Oh wow....that's...gotta be the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

Arn flattens his ears and tucks his tail as he gets a bit more embarrassed, "I'm sure there's been other people who t-t-t-thought so."

"Actually aside from my parents and family, not really. Although.....if you're saying that....does it mean that you like.....that I'm your....eh uhm......you know your....c-c-crush I guess?" Anna inquires shyly as her own ears flatten too.

He is silent for a while before he finally replies, "I guess so."

Nergal suddenly comes up asking, "Do you wish to have a bit chardonnay, brandy, or bourbon? Or maybe a nice shot of gin? Or maybe you two lovebirds....wait sorry no... would you two adolescents like some absinthe?"

All of sudden Esmie pops in, "Oh no you don't amigo, get over here."

"I'm sorry but I'm assisting." Nergal explains before she jumps up and grabs him by the ear.

As the two begin bickering a bit, Anna glances at Arn before motioning away from the area. She then finally whispers to him as he doesn't get it.

"Let's get out of here."

Arn gets a moment of realization before quickly nodding and vacating with her right away. Esmie doesn't notice they're gone until Nergal chuckles a bit to himself.

"Wait....where did they go?"

"My work here is done." Nergal states before turning to walk off with Esmie still on his ear.

"Usted hijo de puta!" Esmie shouts before smacking him across the face, to no reaction whatsoever from him.

"Hmhmhmhm....That won't do much good. Now let's get going so that the couple can enjoy themselves. And also....kindly remove yourself from my ear. I'm not into rabbit foot bling." Nergal simply tells her.

"Oh calla ojete." Esmie tells him annoyed before letting go finally.

Nergal just laughs at her, "Question? Do you have anyone in your life? Aside from your son, any other man in your life?"

"I do not. As a businesswoman, I lack the time most other ladies have. It would benefit Arn to have a male presence in his life sure, but the regular bounty hunters from the local guild would likely do just fine. They're all good men, the lot of them. Although that Sygr fellow is.....actually nevermind. Forget I said anything." Esmie explains.

"So are you into giants yourself?"

"Shut. It." Esmie tells him a bit miffed.

"Already pushing buttons? Hmm, usually it takes longer. Perhaps what I said wasn't appropriate then. Maybe Sygr just reminds you of someone. You did say your friend, Arn's Father Argus, was a demon didn't you?"

"Watch it."

"Just how close were you two?" Nergal asks her, knowing full well what's coming.

Esmie about goes into her full form, but just as quickly holds back. Placing her hands on a nearby bench as she takes a few deep breaths. Finally she looks back at Nergal when she's absolutely sure she won't explode, "It's none of your business, not a story for you. Now leave it be."

"What kind of nightmare happened with you? Do tell, I'm rather interested. You tell, I tell. Simple enough?" Nergal questions her sitting down on that very bench.

"Argus and I were always friends. It never went further.....although I sometimes wish it did. I enjoyed his company, his personality, and even his appearance. But I knew better than to be a homewrecker. So when Argus began speaking of Clawdette, I let him have her. I never once got in their way, even viewed Clawdette as an older sister of sorts. She was tough, no nonsense, and while somewhat feral she was still caring. I was never jealous of her, not once. Their deaths both hit me harder than I care to admit. I kept it hidden from Arn as he grew, but I couldn't hold it together forever. Not all the time. You've no idea how many times I drank myself stupid over them. Or how much worse it got after Arn was taken away from me. I try to be strong, only to end up back in the pit."

"What's that like? The pit? I've never been in it, at least to my current knowledge."

"When I say pit, I mean depression. That feeling of just pure emptiness. Like nothing has meaning. That feeling that keeps you up at night, the feeling you get that ensures you don't want to leave your bed in the morning. You just become so indifferent to almost everything and everyone. You stop paying attention to what's around you. You wallow in your own self pity, pain, suffering, or whatever may have brought you to that ever swallowing pit of despair."

"Well then, I guess I was born in this pit." Nergal responds simply.

Esmie gets a shocked expression and immediately questions, "How is that even possible? To be born into perpetual depression?"

"Try being born without the capability to express emotions properly. With them being distant or none existent at times. Them being overbearing almost difficult to handle. To have a need that you know will never be fulfilled. Knowing someone loves you, but you cannot love them back. But you must try, or else your purpose is no longer necessary in your eyes. Or seeking someone's approval, that you'll never get. I dunno if that's a pit but, it somewhat fits your description."

"Sounds like a mix of that and borderline sociopathy. Course I could just not know you well enough yet. You said you knew someone loves you at least, even if loving them is damn near impossible. So do you perhaps have the ability to express things like compassion or empathy?", Esmie inquires calmly.

"Based on what I can remember, compassion is an interesting emotion. It's....it's hard to describe. To feel remorse for something that is insignificant or is that incorrect?"

"You're way off. Remorse is to put it simply, feeling bad for something you have done. Compassion is just being kind and the ability to be that way. Giving kindness for the sake of it and for the sake of others. Sometimes even yourself to feel good for the day." Esmie explains.

"Ah I see....I have found I can be kind. At least according to the woman I share a bed with. If you count tree roots as a bed anyway." Nergal states before noticing Esmie's weird expression, "She's a Dryad."

"Oh ok, now I get it. But Dryads can read others extremely well, better than most demons I daresay. If she says you're kind, then surely she's correct. Does she tell you you're anything else? That you have certain things to you that you may not notice?"

"She tells I'm often cold and distant, and yet warm and close. It's very strange. I'm a very messed up individual by your standards. I need to go find some food of my own now though. Why don't you think upon the Sygr situation, I'm going to a tavern and probably going to make a man question his drinking problems." Nergal explains before walking off.

Esmie is unsure of what to make of the situation but decides to consider how being with Sygr might pan out for her. Where as Morgen and Death have finally returned for the books she requested. As expected, there was precious little. In fact the 'book' itself, was incredibly small and shaped like a heptagon with a seven pointed star etched on the front cover for a design. The cover was simply a darkened leather with pages that looked extremely old. Even the language it was written in baffled Morgen.

"I'm sorry miss, but this is all I could find. I'd have told you it's contents if I could read the language. But it's not one I know." The elder pixie librarian told her.

"It's quite alright. I half expected there'd be nothing. Oh well, we'll just bring these back to our carriage for now. Thank you...oh and of course here's money to replace their vacant spaces."

Death then picks up the heavy box of spellbooks and other books in general and heads out to drop it off at the carriage. Morgen stays behind to pay for it all of course. Then she joins Death outside.

"Sorry to make you do that heavy lifting. Hopefully you're healed enough after every...."

"Believe me I'm fine."

Morgen then looks back towards the old path and shudders, "I severely doubt those guards are though."

"Yeah but we likely would've had to kill them ourselves if they weren't hollow statues now. Let's just be glad we were spared an unneeded fight. So I'm guessing the language of the book is unknown to you as well?"

"I've looked through it, and I can't say I recall it's meaning. I feel like I should know what it's saying and yet I don't." Morgen expresses a bit discouraged.

Death pauses as he's tying the box down and gently places a hand under her chin. He then lifts her face up, "Hey now, don't get discouraged. Perhaps it's part of your memories, and you just haven't reached that part yet. So what if you don't recall? Memory is rarely perfect, sometimes it's even wrong all together. Now...where is everyone?"

"Thank you Death. And I don't know." Morgen replies looking around a bit confused before continuing, "Maybe we could just rest in the carriage for now? Wait until everyone is back."

"Or perhaps we could actually do something else around the village for a bit. A simple walk perhaps?" Death suggests offering his arm.

Morgen snickered softly but wrapped her arm in his, "Look at you being all open to enjoying social activities Mr. Antisocial."

"Said Ms. Social Butterfly, who wanted to rest in the carriage for the rest of the day." Death points out.

Morgen rolls her eyes as Death chuckles a bit. They walk past the tavern Nergal's in and notice a man looking very much drained. Then a few more are seen as they pass it by. They decide to avoid the tavern for now and focus on enjoying the walk together. Course they do stop for a bit of dinner as well. Morgen mostly tells Death a few of the nicer stories about her childhood as he listens intently. Course she does eventually coax him into telling a few stories himself. Such as any about how he met his friends and a few regarding his family members. Ultimately the two enjoy each other's company.

Arn and Anna meanwhile had decided to go see the secret place Anna mentioned before. After following an ancient looking pathway with ivy and other plants covering it, Arn saw it. A ruined castle like fortress that had clearly seen a battle once. One that was a massacre from what he could gather as he observed the skeletal remains of knights around him. What he didn't expect, was that he only saw knights of Uther's kingdom. No other combatants' bodies lay around there. Either none of the enemy died, they were each other's enemies for some reason, or something different happened. Arn briefly thought he could hear the sounds of the men's battle cries and deaths in the air around him.

Anna's voice suddenly pierced through to him, "Hey Arn, you ok over there? You kinda spaced out for a second."

"Yeah I'm fine.", Arn replied before focusing on her and avoiding the skeletons.

The two then began to enter the ruins proper. Arn found the fact that there were more skeletons inside to be VERY disconcerting. Course Anna came up to him and held his hand.

"It's ok, they're not gonna come to life I promise. They never have. Yeah they're a little scary at night but they're just remains...right?" Anna told him with a bit of nervousness.

"Well let's not try to disturb them. I get the feeling they didn't die peacefully.", Arn says even wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

Anna blushes after a slight jump but quickly tells him, "Yeah uhm...let's not disturb them. The main building is my favorite place, it's got lots of interesting things in there."

"Right." Arn responds as she guides him to the main building.

The two then enter and the foyer holds many hallways that have been ravaged by both fires and time. Anna only leads him down the main one though, as it's the least cluttered. It leads to massive double doors and the two find ancient stairs behind them. They manage to hold up surprisingly, but Arn is still nervous about it as they go up. Finally at the top, Anna pulls him by the hand to a specific room. On the door of it are many intricate designs pertaining to the moon, night sky, and stars. The name plaque that was once on it was broken off at the intial, an M. Inside the room was a gorgeous bed that looked WAY too pristine for such an derelict place. In fact, most of the room looked to be in mostly good condition. Aside from occasional broken small items across the floor. Arn also sees a portrait that's torn in a specific place, lifting the torn part up, he sees an eerily familiar face.

Anna notes his reaction and comes over, "Something wrong?"

Arn shakes his head and drops the torn piece, "Nothing...just an old painting."

"Right. Well I guess the white haired lady is very pretty huh? I always wonder who she was. She always seems so happy in that portrait with the other knights. Do you think she had a good life? Or do you perhaps think more cynically than me?"

"I don't know...but she does look very happy." Arn states simply.

He does smirk a bit however. Knowing that despite everything, Morgen still has days when she smiles just as brightly.

Anna of course picks up a nearby book and hugs it, "This is her journal, at least I think it is. I know you're not supposed to read them, but....it's been such an inspiration for me. I wish I could've met her. Everyone always says she was a kind woman when I ask them. That she was always willing to help those who needed her. While not as good in fight as her fellow knights, she'd use her magic to defend and heal all she could."

Arn thinks for a minute before saying, "You speak of her like she was your role model."

"She is in a way. Do you wanna see her armor? It's still all nice and shiny. It's in this walk in closet over here." Anna asks as she hurries over to the doors.

Arn follows her and is in awe with her when he sees it, "Looks like it never saw a day of wear."

He feels however in the back of his mind that something is amiss, but can't quite place it. Instead he looks upon the set in more awe. The designs are as intricate as they come, which makes sense given that Morgen is a princess. The theme surprised him however, white and silvery blue for the colors with unicorn styled ornaments on it. Hanging off the pauldrons were tiny white unicorn horns on thin chains. The helm of sorts had a short unicorn horn attached to the front, the horn itself being cresent shaped. Aside from those decals, were moon and night designs mixed with scenes of unicorns that looked straight out of vintage paintings. Little do he or Anna know however, that a certain spirit has been stirred by their presence. Anna however keeps Arn busy so they remain oblivious as he approaches the room slowly.

"Her armor is just so beautiful, I'll bet when she wore it she was even more beautiful as a result."

"I'm sure she would...Anna...I have something to say..." Arn starts to say when he suddenly notices something in the armor, a reflection behind them of a figure. He suddenly shouts, "Get Behind Me!", drawing his long knife and putting Anna behind him to face the figure.

They find a ghostly knight before them who asks them two simple questions, "Why have you come? What do you want with this place?"

"What's it to you?", Arn responds making sure Anna is safely behind him.

"I once lived in these halls. I served the lady whose room and closet you're currently standing in. I defend this place even in death from intruders who would do harm here. So I will ask once more, and once only. WHY HAVE YOU COME AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The knight booms down at them.

Arn growls before he finally answers, "We didn't mean any harm. We were just looking around, nothing was taken."

"You will leave then, now. I see no reason for you to remain in this place of death. Nor do I see why you..." The knight explains before pointing at Anna, "...need to keep coming back here after tonight."

Anna protests of course, "Uh please....I've never taken anything. I always leaves things where they belong."

"Yet you continue to VIOLATE the privacy of my fair lady. Something she valued highly above most things aside from her duties to this realm."

"She inspires me! I never meant any harm! I love her story and if anything looked too personal I wouldn't read it. I always skipped those more personal bits." Anna pleads.

"Your intent may not have been bad. But I cannot let this slight go. I can only forgive it if you leave and never return. There's nothing here for the living, not anymore."

Arn however has his own two gilt to give, "What do you know of your lady? What she has become?"

"Who are you to ask me that? A child of wolf and....something else. Something....older. Far older than me."

Arn grits his teeth, "Watch what you say ghost."

"I have no obligation to you. I'm already dead so your threats mean nothing boy. Besides, even a young wolf from the arena is no match for the dead. Especially a knight who has disciplined himself in combat when compared to a savage gladiator."

"I WARNED YOU!" Arn shouts before charging the ghost.

The knight sighs before simply grabbing him by his head. With this act he slams Arn into the ground once before releasing him, "That will be your only warning child. Leave now while I'm still in a decent mood. I won't harm you further so long as you follow my instructions."

Arn gets up and growls before going to charge again. Anna however grabs his arm, "Stop it. Let's just go.....even if it means....I can't come back anymore..."

Arn notes her voice cracks and sees her beginning to cry. He relents, but tells the knight, "This is not over. You will see reason yet."

"And yet you failed to until just now? Believe me. There's nothing left to this folly. Just leave." The knight replies simply.

Anna then leads Arn away to leave the area, whilst the spirit remains in the room. His lonely vigil ever present, even in his demise.

Arn hugs Anna as they walk away outside, "I'm so sorry Anna. It's probably my fault he's being so harsh to you. But I promise I'll make sure you can keep going back there whenever you wish."

"How....how can you promise that?" Anna inquires as she sobs.

"Let's just say, I know somebody he'll have to listen to." Arn tells her.

"About what he said....the knight. What was he talking about?"

"Uhm....well you know I'm Werewolf. But the other part of me....it's something even scarier. I don't want to discuss it, but a lot of people hate the race my Father came from."

Anna looks at him sadly, "Oh. That sounds pretty shitty of them."

"People have good reasons to hate the race. But not everyone in the race was or is a bad person. At least Mama says my Father certainly was always better than his kin usually were."

Anna finds herself confused, but ultimately continues to question him, "What about the other part? Where he compared you to a gladiator?"

"I was in.......the arena...until recently. I was captured as a child....and forced to fight most of my life. Fighting at an early age has its privilege....and its price." Arn tells her reluctantly.

Anna looks horrified, which Arn expected, what he wasn't expecting is why she was horrified, "How much have you suffered?"

"More than I care to describe Anna. Anyway, can we...change the subject at least? Please? I really, REALLY don't like talking about this. Lot of bad memories from that place still haunt me." Arn implores of her.

"Oh of course. Sorry to bring that up."

"It's ok. You deserved to know. I kinda owed you for getting us kicked out of there." Arn replies.

"I don't blame you Arn. It wasn't your fault. I should've known I wouldn't be welcome." Anna tells him softly as her tears slowly begin to dry.

"Now let's go talk to that person I think will talk some sense into him."

Esmie soon spots the two and immediately hurries to Arn, "What happened niño? Why is your nose bloody?"

"I'm fine Mama, just a grumpy old ghost. I need to talk to Morgen about him in fact. Where is she?"

"On a walk with Death. They're actually nearly back from what I can see. Why don't you head back to the carriage. I suspect we'll be leaving soo.."

"Mama please, just a bit longer. Besides, it may take a while for Morgen to help us out." Arn protests to her.

Esmie sighs at him, "And what could she possibly need to help you with niño?"

"The ghost that apparently fucked up my nose. He's guarding the place we were at and is being an ass. Especially in regards to Anna. I promised I'd help her continue to be able to keep going back to her favorite place. It's really important to her Mama. Please."

Esmie thinks silently for a moment before hearing Death question her, "Why is it that Arn looks like he was hit recently?"

"Arn actually has something to tell you and Morgen. It involves the thing that did this to him." Esmie explains simply, to Arn's relief.

"Really? Well out with it then, what happened?" Death asks.

"A ghost is haunting the ruins Anna brought me to. He was pissed off and has banished Anna from ever going back. But the ruins should have significance to Miss Morgen, and the ghost knight claims he served her. So I figure maybe he'll listen to reason if Morgen talks to him." Arn tells him.

"Was he vengeful?"

"I don't think so. He only bashed me into the ground once, and I.....kinda...was a.....a dick....I deserved it." Arn admits rubbing his neck.

Death facepalms, "What did you do?"

"Charged at him because he provoked me."

He then sighs, "Of course you did."

Morgen inquires of Arn however, "You said he was a knight, correct?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Pray tell, why banish Anna when it was you who attacked?" Morgen asks calmly.

Anna then timidly steps forward, "I sometimes g-go into an old room there....it has a journal t-t-that I'm guessing is yours.....I'm so sorry for reading it. It just inspired me so much."

Morgen pulls the young girl into a hug as she begins crying, "Easy there my dear. Granted I'd not recommend reading anymore journals. But I do not mind that you read mine. In fact, I'm glad those dismal pages inspired you in some way. Is this really why he's denying further entrance?"

Anna can only nod and sniffles a bit. Causing Morgen to gently stroke her head in a Motherly way. Death can tell by the look in her eye, and on her face, that somebody is getting a stern talking to now.

"You're actually going to talk to that spirit?" Death questions her.

"Yes. For her sake and the sake of others who may go there. The only beings I don't want there, are anyone that would steal from it or cause harm to the place. We're going."

Death sighs to himself, "I suppose I better come with you then. Just in case either his spirit, or someone else's has a vengeful moment."

Morgen nods and lets Death follow her. They come along the path and Death soon begins to feel the agony of many dead beings. Clearly a battle had taken place and he sees just how right he is when he and Morgen reach the fort. Morgen walks around the bodies a bit lost looking as Death starts hearing the voices of those who died in the battle. Course he knows he wouldn't normally hear it unless the area was haunted. He then finally goes over to Morgen as she's examining a body.

"Are you alright?"

"I knew these people...all of them....they fought...and....d-died...for me that day..." Morgen tells him with a crack in her tone.

Death helps her up from the ground before gently holding her, "You don't have to be here Morgen. I'm sure Arn and the girl will understand given your connection to the tragedy here."

"It was MORE than just a tragedy. This was a MASSACRE. All because I was spending more of my time here than at home. Away from HIM." Morgen says with a bit of anger mixed into the sadness.

"You say that as if you believe it's..."

"It WAS MY FAULT!" Morgen shouts at him.

Death remains calm though, knowing full well how overwhelming a haunting can be on someone within it's radius. Mentally, physically, and even emotionally. He gently strokes Morgen's head and tells her, "This wasn't your fault. These men chose to defend you, because you were WORTH saving. Because you ARE worth saving."

Morgen looks up at him in surprise and goes to reply before someone else speaks up, "He is right my lady. I knew the risks, we all did. Even those who survived this horror knew. Only very few of us did. I and those who remain upon these grounds never doubted you. The Reaper speaks true, you are and always were worth saving to all of us."

The two look upon the ghostly knight and Morgen asks him, "Tell me...how long have you remained here? How long has it been since we last spoke....Sir Alphonse?"

"Not yet long enough for you to have forgotten me it seems." Alphonse tells her simply.

"Your voice is as distinct as I recall it to be. As are your manners with guests it seems."

"You're speaking of the boy and girl from earlier?"

"Yes, I am. I can understand you wanting to defend me and any of my things that remain here. But I cannot let you bully or harm people. Especially those under my protection. Besides, the girl Anna doesn't strike me as ill intended. She can keep coming here if she so chooses as I see it. Do I make myself clear on that?" Morgen states authoritatively.

"Transparently your highness. Forgive my transgression, I only meant to keep your secrets as just that, secrets. I remember how important privacy was to you."

Morgen only sighs, "I forgive you, but I will say that I'm at least trying to work on telling people things that need to be said."

"Good. Perhaps you'd like to see what remains here? And take what you were unable to?" Alphonse asks her.

"I suppose I can. Assuming either of us can carry it all."

"As I lived to serve you, I can aid you in this as well my fair lady. No offense to your companion of course." Alphonse states.

"Pardon?" Death questions him.

"I would assume she chose you for companionship given the way you held her a moment ago. Not to mention the way you spoke to her."

"I....uh.....fair enough." Death says awkwardly.

"It seems I'm right to assume then. Given your reaction. Anyway, just this way, and be mindful. The place is old enough to be falling apart because of more than just unrepaired, burnt wood."

"Hmm, well lead on." Death replies with Morgen following alongside him.

Morgen is amazed at how well kept her old room appears aside from a few fallen objects, "How is this room so pristine?"

"A certain....'pest' who keeps coming back. And no I don't speak of the girl."

"There have been other visitors?" Death inquires.

"Yes only a few though. Usually the villagers will leave flowers on occasion to commemorate all we did for them. It's...always a good sight everytime they hold their memorial festival too. So I don't bother the villagers usually. I only got cross with Anna because she was reading your journal and learning secrets of yours. However, there is one man I keep tryng to turn away. He always comes by every few nights hoping I'll miss him. Occasionally he does escape my notice, with some small 'trinket' or two as well."

"That explains why you were so quick to judge Anna. Even so, would I know this person?" Morgen inquires.

"You would. One of your 'suitors' from some years back."

Morgen facepalms next, "I THOUGHT I made it VERY clear as to why I called things off between us."

Death then looks at her shocked, "Wait let me get this straight, you have an ex?"

"Yes. I had hoped he got it through his head though."

"Clearly not if he's sneaking in here and making off with your property." Death expresses with a bit of sarcasm to his tone.

Morgen shakes her head in annoyance before walking out of the room for a moment. Course she hears something that annoys her even more once she's out the door. With her eye twitching, Morgen seeks out the source of the noise. Only to find a cloaked figure coming through a window down the hall.

"Aleyn, what are you doing?"

The figure freezes a bit before turning around slowly, "Morgen? Is that you?"

"Who else would I be Aleyn?"

"I don't know that ghost that hates my guts?"

"Gee I wonder why he would hate you. There a reason you keep coming here to take little things I own?"

"You never came back until now. I suspected you never would after what happened. I had hoped you wouldn't either." Aleyn tells her before freezing again.

"Excuse me?"

"Look Morgen maybe we could talk about it more in a place that isn't haunted by an angry ghost?"

Morgen eyes him suspiciously for a moment, but finally tells him, "Fine. But you're helping bring what's left of my things here to my carriage. And if you say a SINGLE WORD against my current companion, you'll be walking home instead of 'talking privately'."

Aleyn laughed nervously, "Right....heheh...wait you've moved on?"

"I have. What of it?"

"Oh eh...nothing....something to talk about in our private talk later."

Morgen gets suspicious of him all the more but lets him follow her. When he and Death see each other, Death gives a judgmental stare whilst Aleyn gulps.

"Ha-have you come to take his soul?" Aleyn asks nervously pointing at Alphonse.

Alphonse facepalms, "Can I kill him now?"

"No, he's useful for now. Besides I can't afford to make anymore enemies. Having Uther's ire is bad enough." Morgen says.

"So it's true? You ran away from home again? Is it also true that you took Arthur as well?"

Morgen nearly defends herself but Death speaks up, "Her Uncle got her and Arthur out whilst I was rescued by Barrcus. A far better Father to her than Uther ever will be. And given you seem to have sympathy for Uther, does that make me the better man of the two of us?"

"Watch your tongue you son of a whore! You don't know her like I do!"

"Says the man who probably has her underwear tucked away in his bedroom, among other little things of Morgen's. Stalker much?" Death says sarcastically.

"How DARE you? I would NEVER do something so uncouth as to take a woman's undergarments."

"Then what did you take? It had to have been small enough for your shrimpy arms to carry." Death inquires smirking a bit.

Aleyn growls before saying, "That's none of your business."

"Maybe not but it's certainly mine." Morgen tells him firmly.

"Ah....uhhhh....right....well your perfume...some of your make-up that you rarely ever wore....I NEVER WORE IT MYSELF!" Aleyn quickly replies nervously.

"Uh huh. What else?"

"I actually found the wedding dress you would've worn to our wedding and...."

"OK HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! You are NOT about to tell us you do some fucked up role-playing involving that dress are you?" Death asks sounding concerned.

"NO! Now if you DON'T MIND I shall explain. I just keep it around my home as I figure you probably won't want it. Or if you ever did, I'd have it in pristine condition for you." Aleyn admits.

"Aleyn, you've no reason to keep it. Sell it or give it away. I never liked that dress anyway. Uther picked it out and it just....didn't suit me."

"You looked like a goddess in it."

"A goddess about to raped by Zeus himself maybe." Morgen retorts sarcastically.

Death actually laughs and questions them both, "Just what did this dress look like? I must know now. Just to sate my curiosity."

"Are you sure Horseman? I remember that eyesore way too well, personally I'd rather go through my death all over again than see Morgen walk down the aisle with that HORRIBLE 'dress'." Alphonse states firmly.

Morgen reluctantly shows him with her memories and Death laughs even more, "Hahahaha! I didn't think you could refine sexuality.....Hahahahahahahaha! Seriously seeing that dress reminds me of The Great Gatsby!"

Morgen snickers at that, "Come to think of it, I think it was around the twenties when Aleyn and Uther found that dress." She can only laugh as Death nearly hits the floor.

Even Alphonse laughs with them before Aleyn defensively asks Death, "Well then BARBARIAN, what would YOU have her wear? What wedding dress could you see her in?"

"Technically it's bad luck..huff haaaah...to see one's bride before the wedding...huuuuuuh ahhhh...so I can't really imagine it...now can I?" Death says sarcastically as he catches his breath.

"Cut the sarcasm and just answer damn you!"

"Fine then if you insist that much ya creep." Death tells him a bit annoyed before answering, "If I must give an opinion, sure I could see her in a strapless. But honestly a silvery blue would absolutely make her pop with beauty. She's called the Moon Witch is she not, why not make her rival the moon itself on such an occasion? It would definitely give the saying 'I love you to the moon and back' quite the new meaning I'd say."

Morgen's eyes light up at Death's words and she shyly inquires, "So does that mean you...?"

"Yes."

"I didn't even fini..."

"You didn't need to. I've heard similar questions before. Trust me, I know what you were about to ask. You wanted to know if what I said means I find you as beautiful as the moon, if not more so. Am I correct?"

Morgen blushes, "As always, you're perceptive."

"Heheh..It seems I've been lacking in that department with the romance side of things though lately. If anything I say things by accident." Death admits rubbing his neck with a chuckle.

Aleyn only groaned before muttering, "At least I actually tried and KNEW what I was saying."

Death growls briefly in annoyance before saying, "At least I can learn. The question is can you?"

"If you two are quite done measuring each other's dicks, the lady will likely need help removing her things from here." Alphonse told them both in equal annoyance.

He then grabs them both by their heads and tosses them into the room, "There, now they can do it themselves."

"Gladly, once we have a list." Death expresses simply as he gets up.

Morgen comes into the room to make a list onto a crystal. She only grabs one thing from inside the room, a tiny ornate chest. She then hands the crystal to the gentlemen to collect everything. Death naturally tries to be civil about it so they can be quick about it. Only for Aleyn to volunteer to carry everything.

"Look I'm done with the whole being stupid can you just...NOT?! Like please...THINK."

"I'm not doing anything but volunteering my help." Aleyn protests.

"Genius, she gave us an inventory crystal with a list on it, to put the stuff into it. It's really not that complicated. You don't have to do any heavy lifting. You're not impressing..."

"Just SHUSH. I can handle this, I WILL handle this in fact. Now what's the first thing?"

Death sighs shaking his head, "The contents of that chest there. Again you don't have to carry...."

"Shut up damn it! I said I'll handle this."

"Ok, fine. Have fun with that. I'm going to do the practical thing in the meantime. Let me know when you're done being a moron."

"Excuse me young fellow..."

"Y-young? EhEH...ehAH! Your stupidity is obviously showing itself." Death tells him sarcastically yet again.

Aleyn grumbles to himself as he tries lifting the chest, or dragging it. Death meanwhile goes about to room to collect what he can. He starts with a few small things around the room, then moves onto the wardrobe. He collects everything in there with ease whilst using the crystal's magic. Course he does pause a moment to observe her armor set.

"I have to ask...why?" Death inquires of Morgen after coming back out from the wardrobe.

Morgen notices him pointing and comes over to see what it is this time. When realizing it's her old armor she's looks at him with her eye twitching ever so slightly, "And what exactly is wrong with it?"

Death, sensing this probably should've been saved for later cautiously responds with, "I just want to know what was going on while this was being made. It looks fine, but it's....so ornate. It looks like it belongs more in ceremonies than it does on the fields of battle."

"I am a mage more than a swordswoman admittedly."

"STILL. That's....a LOT of detail for a set used in battle. Even for a mage. Usually mages want armor that isn't heavy. I mean look at me, I don't wear heavy plate very often, if ever. I don't even wear chest plates usually. The most armor I have is my kilts, which occasionally come with plate. Either way, the way I fight and cast spells requires that I'm able to move. So I need to accommodate myself by using armor that gives me more mobility. Though I wouldn't recommend not wearing anything up top. I only do so because I can get away with it through my healing ability." Death tells her before chuckling a bit towards the end.

"Bare in mind that ONE I am a Princess, and TWO, that Uther was the among those who wanted to see my design ideas BEFORE it was ever made. You can probably imagine some things got added in."

"Right. Anyway I know a place that makes far better armor for combat and for mages. We'll have to go there later. After all this madness. For now shall I keep letting that one dig his own grave or shall I just put the chest in the crystal?" Death states.

"Please do get it into the crystal. Before he passes out due to lack of oxygen."

"Heh, may be a little late for that. His brain already lacks a little bit of it." Death says laughing a bit before Morgen's slight glare shuts him up. "Oh come on I was just kidding."

[pivitor]

Be the Steven You Want to See in the World

The following is the most recent installment of my email newsletter, “Do You Know What I Love the Most?” I’m really proud of this one, and wanted it out there for y’all to read. Think of it as a free sample. If you like it, please share and subscribe to the newsletter here.

The following contains spoilers for Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future.

I don’t need you to respect me, I respect me

I don’t need you to love me, I love me

But I want you to know you could know me

If you change your mind

A little over one year ago, the above song capped off the final episode of Steven Universe, a series on Cartoon Network that began as an adorable little cartoon about a boy’s magical powers and eventually grew into a complex, emotionally rich saga about war, trauma, and identity — but one that remained accessible to viewers of all ages.

In the world of Steven Universe, its titular character stood alone. Steven’s father was a human, while his mother was a superpowered alien, both a rebel warrior and royalty in hiding; he was also, kinda, sorta, maybe the reincarnation of his mother? There was literally no other being in the universe quite like Steven, leaving the poor boy not only confused about just exactly who he was, but misunderstood by pretty much everyone he met, especially his alien “family” the Diamonds, the tyrannical rulers of the Gem Dynasty. The Diamonds refused to see Steven as anything other than his mother, eventually leading to them ripping his gemstone from his body in an attempt to revive his mother, something that could have potentially killed Steven.

Instead, though, it just revealed what viewers always knew — Steven was simply Steven, and nothing more. That revelation shattered the Diamonds’ worldview and their stranglehold on the galaxy. Steven saved the universe, but his most important victory was finally learning to love and respect himself, just as he was. Someday maybe the Diamonds would come to understand him, to see everything he has to offer simply by being himself, but if they never did, that’s okay. Steven already has the love and respect he needs without them.

It’s a sentiment that rang true for many of Steven Universe’s fans. Steven as a character, and his unique place in the universe, had always connected with many different varieties of viewers. Bi or muti-racial fans saw themselves in the way Steven was never fully at home in either Gem or human society, and queer viewers could appreciate the way that so many of Steven’s most prominent and praised qualities were ones that are traditionally viewed as feminine (as well as all the show’s more explicit pro-LGBTQ+ messages). All of them could likely find some solace in the ideas expressed in “Change Your Mind.”

I know I have. My relationship with my family is…okay. For now. I love my family dearly, we get along most of the time, and quite often even have a lot of fun just being in each other’s company, but I know there are parts of me that they’ll never be able to accept or understand. I’ve had to build a lot of walls between myself and them just to reach this tenuous equilibrium, and quite frankly, it hurts that they’ll never actually fully know who I am as a human being. When it seems overwhelming, I often think of Steven’s song. I can’t make them accept me. All I can do is love and respect myself, and be here if they ever change their minds.

If that was the end of Steven Universe’s world it would have been a fine legacy, but thankfully, the series continued on in the form of Steven Universe: The Movie and Steven Universe Future. The movie skipped ahead two years from the end of Steven Universe and, with a new villain, teased the “further adventures of Steven Universe,” but the limited series Future ended up being more of an epilogue to the original. Sure, there were a few enemies to fight, but they were largely loose threads Steven Universe left dangling. The real antagonist of Steven Universe Future ended up being Steven himself — or, more specifically, his trauma, insecurities, and sense of self.

In the original series’ extended theme song, each member of the main cast gets a chance to proclaim why they fight, and Steven’s is “I will fight to be everything that everybody wants me to be when I’m grown.” That’s always felt fairly ominous to me; that’s a Steven who doesn’t have a sense of self, of who he wants to be, who’s been devoured by his supposed duties and put aside his own emotions and concerns to make sure that everybody else is okay. Maybe that was sustainable in a time of war, but in the peaceful status quo of Future, these qualities come home to roost. Without people to help, without a world to save, who even is Steven Universe? What does he want his life to be? Steven doesn’t even begin to know how to look for answers, and is even less equipped to ask for help. He flounders more and more until he eventually breaks down.

Again, that’s something that myself and many other viewers can closely relate to. Like Steven, I was a “gifted” and sensitive child who was expected to excel, and hated to hurt people’s feelings so much that I chose to ignore my own feelings instead in order to please others. I was essentially a preacher’s son, expected to be a role model; to be anything else would be unthinkable and unacceptable. And as I got older and started to realize how different I was from everybody else, I had to protect myself by being somebody I wasn’t. I started to see myself as the problem, and tried to solve everybody else’s problems so that nobody would notice my own.

Both Steven and I tried to hide our mistakes so that our friends and family would never think poorly of us, would never know what we’d done wrong, so that we could always live up to the image of us people had in their minds. Living like that, though, means that you never learn from your mistakes, that you never get help and never grow, because you’re more concerned about hiding your mistakes than understanding why they happened and how to change them. Thankfully, Steven came to that realization much earlier in life than I did, but instead of reaching out for help, he just internalizes the mistake, blaming himself and condemning himself as a monster.

And when you think you’re a monster, you become a monster.

For most people, that’s a metaphor. In middle school, when I realized my wit gave me power, my pain caused me to lash out and briefly become a bit of a bully myself (after the second or third time I got beat up I grew out of it). Steven’s magical powers often cause things to be a bit more literal for him, though. While most gems can shapeshift on command, Stephen’s appearance has always been closely linked to his emotions; in one early episode, when Steven starts to “feel old” his body literally starts growing older and older until he almost dies of old age. Thus, when Steven starts to think of himself as a monster, he literally grows into a pink, horned, centipede-esque monster the size of a mountain.

Steven’s friends want to help — rightfully, they’re terrified for him, not of him — but their responses are also a little self-centered, albeit unintentionally so; they almost get into a contest, a game of “who hurt Steven more?” as they all blame themselves. It takes Steven’s best friend (and love), Connie, to get them to stop wallowing in self-pity and put Steven first. That shouldn’t be a surprise — while the rest of the cast has always protected Steven physically, they’ve also depended on him emotionally. From the very beginning of their relationship, though, Connie has been Steven’s greatest confidant. She forced Steven to open up to her when he stupidly tried to push her out of his life, and she’s been the only person who has consistently put Steven ahead of herself — sometimes to a fault — as Steven’s done for everyone else. And with her help, everybody Steven loves realizes that the way to save him isn’t by fighting him, but just by being there for him.

They embrace the monster-Steven in a massive group hug. They share with him all the ways Steven’s helped them, and help him realize that those same experiences allow them to relate to what Steven’s going through as well. Steven expected fear, shock, condemnation, and instead got understanding, love, and compassion, and shrinks back to himself, openly weeping in the arms of his friends and family. It’s his first step towards recovery.

It’s hard to understate how important this kind of support can be. I can think of multiple points in my life where just having people willing to be there for me moved me to tears. Knowing that there are people who will support you in matters great or tiny if only you actually bother to ask, to make yourself known to them, is powerful. Steven’s friends understood him more than he ever thought possible, and the same has proved true for me. Many times I’ve shared my past expecting to be judged or looked down on and instead only found understanding and compassion, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that kind of support has changed my life. And it changed Steven’s too.

Last weekend’s final episode of Steven Universe Future — the epilogue to the epilogue — still had a lesson or two left to impart. After a few months of therapy and help from those he loves, Steven decides to leave his home and strike out on his own so he can discover who he truly wants to be. There’s some sob-worthy goodbyes, but the major theme of the episode is that change is healthy and inevitable, and that people who love you will always be in your life no matter where you are.

It’s not necessarily a very original lesson, but it’s a vital one nonetheless. As I make (coronavirus-delayed) plans to move ahead into a new era of my own life, I can’t help but to find comfort in watching Steven do the same. Vitally, this final episode also provides a road-map to living in a post Steven Universe world. I’m losing one of my favorite shows, but I’ll always be able to revisit it, and the lessons I’ve learned will always be a part of me.

Perhaps the most important message of all, though, comes when Steven says goodbye to Peridot, a character who started out an enemy, but — through much effort from Steven — eventually became one of his closest friends and allies. As a sobbing Peridot laments that she’ll never find “another Steven” like this one, Steven tells her, “be the Steven you want to see in the world.”

If we carry any one lesson away from Steven Universe, I think it should be that one. Be the “Steven” who believes in love, in compassion and redemption, in helping those who need it, but also be the Steven who is honest about their limitations and shortcomings and allows others to help them and be there for them when they need it. In times like this, we all need that more than ever.

[asillydreamer-on-a-crazyworld]

OK, now that I’m normal again and my feelings are not all over the place I’m ready to talk rationally about the episode.

I’m gonna start saying that I loved it.

Annie:

I always thought that Annie ended up like the most dysfunctional adult bc Beth was there to clean up her messes.  Beth, as the older sister, took Annie under her protection and I think she was way more like a mom to her rather than a sister. We all can see how every time Annie has a problem she can’t deal with, she goes to Beth. She relies on her.Beth became Annie’s safe place whenever she lost control over things in her life. I understand Beth in these situations but I also think she could have handled her sister better, let her deal with her problems rather than running to her when she called it. I always wondered if this co-dependency she has on her big sis is also one of the reasons Dean doesn’t like Annie much. I can clearly see him arguing with Beth about her always going to her sis while she has a family to take care of.

I loved that Ruby told her what Beth really was for her. How she sacrificed a lot just to be there for her little sis. I think Annie knows it too, but sometimes she is so caught up in her own problems that she takes for granted what Beth does for her. And I’m not saying that to make Annie the bad guy here. She is just human and like I said, she was not the only one responsible for the person she became.

What I loved is that later, she feels it, deep down, Ruby’s words. They were inside her head the whole time she went back home, I bet and that is why we also see her so fragile while talking to Sadie. She is finally facing her own demons bit by bit, she is afraid that she is not being a good mom, a good influence on Sadie... She is afraid because she knows her own faults as an adult and she probably feels ashamed that she can’t even afford the medicine her son needs. I understand and respect her for not wanting to ask for anybody’s money bc she wants to succeed in being a good parent to her kid once in her life.

Also. Finally, the moment when she opens her eyes about what Noah did. People call Annie stupid and naive. I think she is mostly naive. She trusts people too easy sometimes. But she is smart ( I think we can agree that she slips a lot but again, she is just human) and she quickly connected the dots in her head when Ruby asked who could have known about Boland Motors. I don’t know what she is gonna do, but I think she is gonna confront him rather than play some kind of cat/mouse game with Noah.

One thing about Noah tho:

I don’t think he is working for Rio. I’ve seen some theories about it but his reactions yesterday tells me that he was feeling guilty and worried. He likes Annie, and frankly, with her goofy, carefree nature it’s so easy to like her. If he was working secretly for Rio or was his inside man in the FBI, I don’t think there was a reason for him to feel any of those feelings. He would know they wouldn’t end up finding anything and that she and her sis would be safe. And about using her in any way or lying to her about it?  I think if he is catching feelings for her as I think he is, he wouldn’t need to be so worried bc, after all, they are all working for the same guy, right? Noah would feel a bit like a d-bag but I’m pretty sure he’d feel like they could talk it out in a way.

From the synopsis for episode 12, I do think that in the end they both are gonna talk about what Noah did.

Ruby:

OMG RUBY!!! She was perfect, as always. From supporting Stan, to not let her man wallow in self-pity  and also standing up for Beth, this woman again shows us how loyal she is and how far she is willing to go to help those she loves, while also thinking about how this will affect her family in the long run, but she knows there is no way out right now. She needs to keep going bc there is no other option. Stan has no job, they have bills to pay, kids to feed and with her job, Ruby can’t deal with everything financially on her own.

I just love how strong she is despite everything. I really can’t say more about Ruby in this episode bc I see Ruby as the moral compass in the show. And I can’t wait to see how She is gonna deal with the obstacles on her way bc we know they are huge and they will make her go against some of her own values here to help her hubby and her family. I’m dying to see how she handles it.

We know she is afraid and that is why she did what she did on that bus. Throwing the drugs away showed me how desperate she suddenly became and I think that it was because she thought about how Sara treated Stan after he was arrested. She panicked bc she didn’t wanna her daughter to go through that again, watching another parent being arrested in front of her friends. Imagine the humiliation for Sara? Ruby loves her kid and she knows she suffered after seeing what happened to her father. She didn’t wanna ruin her relationship with Sara too. I understand, u, boo. I got u!

I will be here rooting and suffering with her and Stan. 

Beth:

ohh Beth... How beautifully complex u are.U guys know I’m biased when it comes to this woman but she had one of my favorite scenes in the episode.That scene of her in the store... GOD! What a scene. The suspense, the thrill she got for doing something wrong and the possibility of getting caught, the song while everything was happening.. slowing down and down... PERFECT. She was trying so hard being good but this dark thing inside her was awakened and demanded to be fed.

She had a taste of it, of freedom from the dormant life she lead. This is a woman who lived, breathed, for everyone else but not for herself. Beth Boland never got a chance to know who she really is, what she likes to do, what she could be. She was molded into that momma persona and I think it’s natural that she struggles between being just that and the scary possibility of finding out what, who else she can be. 

If u had to start all over again, find out who else u wanted to be, wouldn’t u be afraid too? Yeah, for some ppl it can be exciting as well, but most people will feel fear also.

I think that by the last scene of her, she is feeling just like that: afraid but excited as hell.

When she laughed and said it was fun almost being caught by the feds? CHILLS literally chills !! Beth is flirting with this wild side of her that get’s excited with power and challenges.

This doesn’t make her a villain, in my opinion, just someone more complex and that is embracing this side we all have that makes us wonder: “what would be like to not care at all? For rules, for being nice and polite all the time, sometimes to ppl we hate or don’t care at all? What if I just cheat and lie to get what I want as other people do? They don’t seem to care and they are in a better place in life than me.”

I love when writers let us see how a character struggles between the lines of what we accept as morally right and what we think it’s a no-go for “good people” like us, when we know nobody is perfect or a saint.

Watching her sitting inside that car in the dark and then leaving... Her chair empty...

We saw earlier in the episode when Dean (stupid Dean) asks her if she misses it and she says “would it matter?”.  He says something else about her cookies and she just smiles but then we see the smile leaving her face and I was like:

OMG GIRL. I know.. I know it hurts and it sucks.

Her breaking down? One long time thing coming. She needed that. It also shows us that she might have another breakdown soon but this time with Dean. Beth is so fed up with just being the good momma, the good person... Always doing the right thing. No more. And if Dean keeps pushing her?

 Ohh I don’t wanna be him.

Beth x Rio.

ok Now, on these two. I let my shipper feels get the best of me. 

SUE ME.

I have this hopeless romantic side of me that can’t help but go all in in the feels.LOL

That being said:

DO I think that what Rio said in that promo was like a marriage proposal? OF COURSE NOT. And I am sure a lot of ppl know that. It’s called shipper behavior. We all allow ourselves to be a bit silly about it.

AGAIN. SUE ME. xD

We don’t know how that scene is gonna happen and what will be really said, in addition to what we heard them say but like u, dear follower or person who sees my posts in the tag know, I do believe Rio have personal reasons and way more practical ones to want Beth working for him again.

Some say it is a punishment for the headache she probably caused him when she said she was out. However, I’d argue that it is not that good of punishment because she likes it. She likes to work with him. She likes doing it. But yeah, for a lifetime? Not what I think she has in mind or will want it in the long run in that sense, I agree that it is one but not an effective one or the best way to punish her, RIGHT NOW.

And there is a big IF in what I said bc what if she ends up wanting to do that in the long run? We don’t know what direction Beth’s character will follow in the future.

Now back to the point, yeah it looks like a punishment and I’m sure she will freak out about Boomer’s body and we still don’t know what else Rio is gonna do and their relationship right now?

A mess. An UNHEALTHY, hot mess. Because again he has all the power.

Again Rio is gonna feed on her indecision and fears and he will get what he wants from her in the end bc this man is not playing around.

That is why I don’t think he has softened. Rio is like a snake. He will surprise u and attack when u less expect him to.

He surprised her in the park. He followed her or we can say he knows her well enough now to know exactly where she is. And again Rio showed her he is one step ahead of her ( and of everyone else it seems lol).

I see a man who is a planner, a charmer, a cold killer when he needs to be, a father, a rational, logical, smart man, controlling and who loves power and who also can be an attentive, soft lover if he also wants. He is a man who knows how to read people. But the fact that he reads Beth so well? I don’t think that is because she is weak, but rather that she is too much like him in some aspects.

He respects her. No one can say the contrary.

But he won’t let her ruin things for him, so here he is making sure she doesn’t, she goes to that park and tells her the FBI is going to BM bc if she gets caught? The feds will have info on the little operation they had there!

But they were also partners so, if he lets her go down for this, he only has things to lose. Her included. Because, yeah I believe he sees her as a valuable asset. 

Beth, with her efficiency, intelligence, and courage, secured herself a place in his organization, and people like her, even if a bit dangerous ( and are not all of them like that? the people he deals with on a daily basis?)? They are the kind of people born for what he does and he sure as hell won’t let her go.

And I believe he keeps pulling at the strings he has on her tighter bc he knows she is not sure of what she wants herself, but he won’t let her slip away from his fingers.

That is why I also think he is in way too deep with her. Why he let her under his skin and he is not thinking rationally, not 100%. She probably won’t use the dealership again ( for reasons - the FBI still there and Dean). I don’t know how she is gonna do it but she will go back to launder money for him and I believe he will help her with that.

DOES HE NEED TO?

NO.

She is taking too much of his time already. This woman is soo high maintenance. Too much of a headache.

However, I believe he likes it. He has fun with it. He lets her get away with too much. Oh, you all know I said that A LOT of times before.

I do believe he wants her, like hard still.

He is a man after all, who appreciates good, pretty, not too easy to get kind of things.

Beth Boland is like that. She is interesting.

Do I believe they will drive into the sunset together or that he will turn into a puppy for her?

 LMAO nope.

I’m happy with how the writers are handling things for now.

The only thing I hated was how they didn’t give us the trio comedy that Rio x Ruby x Annie is. But I guess they preferred to spend more time on that scene of the FBI breaking into Boland Motors 

But, yeah, I have faith in the writers and the cast bc they gave us a lot already and if they could make an episode look great even when heavy spoilers were published, oh just imagine what else they can give us.

I think we’ve been well fed compared to other shows ( I said that already but whatever. I still believe we are!)

Balance is not easy to manage and hell, I’m happy I’m not a writer bc damn,  it is not easy to keep everyone in a fandom happy.

( there is no way u can feed everyone, not all the time, right?)

sorry that this became such a monster of a post xD

[mbti-notes]

enfp having problems while around people. something rly strange is happening to me. I 'm creating a very cinical? posture when around others specially those who I've called friends. I kinda of feel that everybody already have their fellas to cope with but I get myself thinking that I would like to change mines for multiple reasons (they have failed me, i am their last option, they r 2 different), and now I see that when I am with them I can't be my ''new'' self bc i am too focused n they r not..

[con’t: bc I am engaging with(projects) and they r not, everyone is else where, I think they’re not interested neither engaged with my plans, even tho I try to express that I am with their lifes, sometimes I feel they r unfocused n their not ok with that. Hw can i help them? Inspire them to be their better self? Is it wrong that I am enjoying to stay all alone? I feel more like myself when I am alone. Is it ok? Besides I don’t like what I show to others, splly when feeling low. Is it TE loop? Tnx!]

When you genuinely love and respect yourself, able to accept who you really are, you’d have very healthy Fi and wouldn’t feel any fear or hesitation about expressing yourself fully into the world, warts and all. If you can only be yourself when alone, then you’re going to feel compelled to spend your life alone, feeling like a victim and wallowing in self-pity. This is the path to Si grip, not growth.

When you deny your fears/insecurities and never develop Fi properly, it’s then easy to believe that the problem isn’t inside but outside, then you start meddling in other people’s lives, then you start criticizing and “correcting” anything around you that unconsciously reminds you of your own failures and shortcomings (Ne-Te loop). Your unresolved personal pain/problems twist your perception, and your judgment is always tainted and egocentric as a result. If you go through life treating the entire world as the problem rather than solving the problem within, you’re going to cause a lot of suffering to yourself and everyone you meet. Lack of empathic self-acceptance eventually extends into being incapable of empathic acceptance of others.

Personal growth is personal. If you want to improve your life, it is your choice, and everyone must make that choice for themselves. What other people do is irrelevant to you and you have no right to act like a god. Wanting to help someone who needs help is one thing (compassion), but wanting to remake the world into something that makes you more comfortable is quite another thing (egotistical) - do you possess enough self-awareness and self-honesty to tell the difference? Fixating on people and nitpicking their supposed flaws is negative and damaging behavior. Does it help you feel loved and open to growth if people criticize and nitpick you constantly? Yet that is your attitude. But it is hard to resist because Te loop mentality creates the illusion of growth, it inflates your ego and promotes a false sense of superiority. It seems that you’re not really interested in working on yourself but rather just want to feel good by putting others down, you pretend to want to “save” them, but it is your own negative judgment that you need saving from. Do you honestly believe that a judgmental and cynical attitude is the right moral path?

Remember that NFs are quite amazing in their “ability” to convince themselves of their own righteousness, whether it is unhealthy Fi-Te proclaiming “moral authority” or unhealthy Ni-Se proclaiming convenient access to “unseen truths” about the world. It is a problem that can only be resolved by improving self-awareness, which for enfps requires proper Fi development. 

[oldmyths]

i wish i had given myself permission to talk about it as it was happening instead of trying to process it by myself. i wish i kept a journal or something where i just let all my feelings out in a healthy way instead of internalizing it because now i just have questions. i cant trust my judgement bc i don’t know and i can’t ask anyone for advice bc i’ll have some weird fucking bias or something

i hesitate to even really talk about it now because of that. like maybe it wasnt abuse and it probably wasnt but how come when we tried the second time it just ended the same? is it me? do i genuinely need to work some issues out with a professional before i try dating again? i mean like yes but i know about those. do i just self-sabotage so hard that i dont even know it? am i just conditioned to reject any kind of love towards me bc everyone in my life hurts me in one way or another and if they love me then anyone else who loves me will hurt me too

everyone in my life, capable of showing me compassion and love physically. my family. my friends do love me and i know this and i know none of them would actually try to hurt me but how do i know? my family loves me but they don’t understand me and they dont know me and im too afraid of trying to explain, im too tired of trying to explain that its just easier to not and deal with their anger and frustration

i dont want to date anyone i dont have feelings for anyone i dont know if im just saying that so i can stop feeling or if im trying to convince myself that not dating = safe; how can i think that? doesnt that sound like someone who was abused? or just very very hurt, repeatedly.

can you even abuse someone without knowing it? its not their fault. they even asked me if i thought they were. why would they ask me that? if they had to ask then does that mean that they werent? did they ask so they could hear me say theyre a good person while continuing to hurt me? did they ask me if they were hurting me bc i was hurting them and the only way they knew how to ask for help was to ask if they were doing something wrong?

but they were doing something wrong. hurting me. was i hurting them? probably. but mutual abuse isnt a thing right? but thats what it felt like. am i the abuser? am i just struggling with an intense, deep-rooted victim complex? mutual abuse doesnt exist. its all reactionary right? who started reacting first, them or me?

i stuck my neck out for them. i woke up an hour early just so i could message them before they went into art class. i didnt have the language back then to communicate how i felt. i came out to my parents because i felt i was given an ultimatum. if i dont do it theyll be upset, they might leave, they accuse me of putting it off bc im not in love with them, i dont want to see them in person, im ashamed of them. i came out. it was bad. nobody helped me. they say i changed. i was exhausted.

we tried again. i dont remember this. we tried being friends first but it was just so easy to go back into that state because i guess i still love them. or who they used to be and sometimes the light hit the mirror just right and it was like nothing changed at all. i dont remember this but they did something to hurt my trust, they lied to me. did i freak out? was it warranted? i hate it when people dont tell me something especially if it involves me. did i make the right choice? what if i didnt?

i know im not a good person. i know i have issues that i need to work through. how many more passes do i give myself until i just start wallowing in this puddle of pity that i cried for myself? am i at that point yet?

nothing makes sense anymore but they made sense and they would tell me what to do and it would be okay cos if they didnt know then we could figure it out together and if it was bad then at least i just felt something familiar. i dont know what im doing. i cant cling to someone who doesnt exist anymore and id never ever reach out to them bc for all of my crying theyre not the same as when we last spoke and i hate that it was so recent. two years ago. i still think about it.

theyre not the same because im not the same and i dont know if it would be more harrowing if we still fit together or if we didnt.

... i dont think they were abusive but they still hurt me and that doesnt make my pain less meaningful. i dont know anymore. i dont remember. i wish i could forget. or at least move on from this. im trying to be as forgiving as i can, to myself, but i need to move on. sometimes i feel like i have and then i remember. i need to feel things and not keep them hidden away. this isnt something to be ashamed about.

i wonder if i’ll delete this post or if that would feel like im still ashamed of myself. for being hurt and for letting it happen again and for wanting it and for missing it and for wishing they would when they would more than likely treat me better now. maybe. not that i deserve it. well maybe i do--deserve to be treated better--but not by them because my expectation for them is to hurt me and when it isnt met i would probably not be in love with them. maybe. thats too intricate to try and dissect. would i love them now? maybe. im not really that hard to please.

actually thats an awful thing to dissect and i wish i didnt. but im not erasing it bc i need to like. post this i guess. i had a point somewhere.

maybe i wasnt abused and maybe i wasnt the only victim in that relationship and both of those things can exist while i say that i still hurt and im still grieving and all of these things are allowed to be. its okay. ill be okay.

but that hozier song really fucks me up and maybe i shouldnt listen to it anymore. i definitely shouldnt listen to it anymore.

[mgahunahuna]

Blog Entry#5: Emotion Regulation and Self-Care

Point #1

Taking the self-compassion scale made me realize a lot of things about myself simply while answering and reflecting on the statements. It gave me the time to think about how I treat myself and the actions that I do when faced with different difficult situations. After taking the scale and eventually calculating my score, I was able to get a score of 75, which indicates or exhibits medium self-compassion.

For me, I recognize that this is a quite accurate representation of my self-compassion. There are indeed moments wherein I am compassionate to myself, but there are also moments wherein I am not. The times wherein these both happen are quite similar. One does not necessarily overpower the other in majority of instances. Given this, I still would say that I am not in a position wherein I am completely self-compassionate. There is still a lot more than I can do in order to have a healthier outlook.

My strengths basing off the scale would be my self-kindness and common humanity. In this regard, I acknowledge that I am still quite kind to myself even in the toughest moments. For example, if something awful happens to me and I get quite emotionally affected or hurt, I still make it a point to allow myself to feel these emotions. I have always been of the opinion that suppressing these feelings will not get me anywhere. Yes, there are indeed times wherein I get too self-critical or beat myself up for decisions I end up regretting. But at the same time I always manage to remind myself that I am only human and I, too, can commit mistakes.  Moreover, in terms of common humanity, I like to remind myself that I am not alone in my struggle. Whenever I have my depressive episodes, I always think to myself that I’m suffering or that I’m wallowing in self-pity. But truth be told, there are so many other people who probably go through the same things I do. I used to isolate myself whenever I went through this rough patches, but now I recognize how powerful and effective it can be to simply just reach out or even change my perspective when it comes to how people approach their struggles.

Given my strengths, there is still much room for improvement. In the test, I scored a 16 in the Self-Judgment subscale. What this tells me is that I am someone who still likes to pick on himself whenever things don’t go my way or I commit a mistake or experience a failure. There are really moments wherein I fixate on how stupid I am, or how much of an idiot I could be to make such lazy decisions. I think about how much time could have been saved, how much energy could have been saved, how much effort could have been saved, if I had just not been so ignorant. I easily blame myself whenever situations go wrong. But moreover, there are also instances when I just completely ignore the feeling of inadequacy. I put the feeling aside because to me, it would be useless to fixate on these ideas when I could be doing something else. But slowly, these thoughts just build and build until it eventually affects me to the point where it becomes extremely difficult to control.

I think that in order to extend kindness to myself, I first have to realize and convince myself that I am worthy and deserving of this kindness. Because sometimes, I think the reason why I am so hard on myself is because I don’t see my value or my worth. So I believe that the pre-requisite is that I should keep reminding myself that I am worthy of love and respect. From there, all it takes is to be mindful of my feelings. So for example, if I am feeling like I deserve a break, I will give myself a break. If I feel like I need to reward myself for doing something good, then I will reward myself. If I fail a test or disappoint someone, I won’t wallow in those feelings but instead focus my attention on things that will probably make me happy or lift my mood up. The bottom line is that I need to listen to my body, my thoughts, and my emotions. I cannot ignore them nor should I actively suppress them. All I have to do is just be mindful of these reactions, because they’re meant to be indicators – signals that ultimately mean that something is wrong and must be addressed.

Point #2

Option D: Be positive (keep a gratitude journal - what you're thankful for each day of the week)

For this week, I am choosing to do Option D: Be positive. Lately, I have been a ‘Negative Nancy’. I’ve been very pessimistic about the situations that I’ve been dealing with and I always choose to take on a negative approach to everything. I feel like the world is collapsing around me and that life is dragging me down. I’ve been starting to lose motivation in everything and at the same time I just keep wanting to go home back to Cebu and never come back. I’ve sort of reached rock bottom, if I’m being completely honest. So try to remedy this, I am going to attempt the strategy of trying to be positive about the situations that surround me currently. The proposal can be found below:

WHAT: Instagram Gratitude Diary

HOW: I will post three different posts (can be a picture or video) of something that I am grateful for. These posts will be accompanied by short descriptions of why I am grateful for these. These can be people, objects, events, or anything significant that has happened in my life. After the short descriptions, I will include a quote that reminds of these things.

WHEN: Every day of the week from March 4 to March 8.

WHY: The purpose of this is to give myself a chance during the day to keep myself grounded and positive by thinking about these positive events, moments, or things. At the same time, I can keep the account as a memento and look back at it whenever I’m feeling low and discouraged.

[foruneyti]

Okay, here we go! Disclaimer: Managing a proclivity for feeling intensely is going to differ from person to person. Feeling intensely is an incredibly personal, and for me at least private, experience. I cannot possibly presume to entirely understand your particular situation, and what I say here is tailored to my own lifestyle, personality, and emotional triggers. So please feel free to dissect what I say here to hell and back, and if along the way any of it helps you then I will be glad of it.

There is a list, then a caveat, and finally a conclusion. One thing that incites high emotions in me is my “intake” levels: how much reading, watching of films/shows, enjoying of food, etcetera. I have found it is important to balance my “intake” with my “output”: writing, talking to others, exercise, chores, helping other people. If my day is full of “output” I find that sometimes intense emotional periods will neither last as long nor be so debilitating.

This relationship is so predictable I treat it much the same way I do my vitamin intake: “I have been experiencing problem X [unfocused and cranky/particularly uncontrollable emotion] lately; hmm, have I been [forgetting to take my vitamins/isolating myself]? Yes? Ah, there is the problem.”

Point 2: If I have some short-term thing I MUST do, I know that at least at this point in my life I must avoid emotional triggers that set me off. This is not a suppression tactic, just the acknowledgement that if I encounter a triggering story I will be nonfunctional for hours afterwards. “I can be nonfunctional later; RIGHT NOW, I have a research paper to write.” Global politics and climate change are two topics I can think of that should not be ignored but perhaps, at times, avoided.

Point 3: Sometimes I just have to accept that extreme emotions are worth it—honestly, not just “worth it” but INVALUABLE, for I would not be the person I am without them. Intense emotions go hand-in-hand with a vivid imagination (my hypothesis is imagination develops early on as a first-line-of-defense coping method), and nothing in this world could compel me to give up my imagination.

Point 4: Surround yourself with people who will help you when you cannot help yourself. This is NOT to say you should abandon your own responsibility to yourself. What I mean is you can take advantage of the fact that people often fail to notice when emotionally intense people are distressed. Friends and family will show up on your doorstep unawares, wanting to do things, and they will probably not realise (and thus not respect the fact) that you are in an emotional turmoil.

In this case that is actually a GOOD thing, because social pressure/presence of others will trigger all kinds of instinctive responses that force you to get outside your own head. It is different from just hiding the emotions from strangers: it is DIVERTING what is at this point a neurological habit (trigger >> high emotional response). For all the power my feelings seem to have, they tend to scoot aside when someone asks for my help, or reminds me that chores need doing, or my friend shows up at my door wanting to see if she can climb to the top of some roof somewhere and she needs a “partner in crime.” Afterwards, it is hard to get “back in the zone” of whatever emotion I was feeling.

Point 5: Have you ever read Goethe’s The Sorrows of Young Werther? I hated it. I cannot help but resonate a bit with the poor fellow’s overwhelmingly introspective and emotional response to life as a whole, but he is practically drowning in emotional constipation and that really does not work out for him in the end. I highly recommend it to any emotionally intense person as a cautionary tale.

So there you go, five big things that have helped me a great deal. I should probably also mention that I am JUST talking about intense emotion here. I am not adding in depression or any of the other things that commonly go along with people who experience intense feelings. If those things are involved, medicine, therapy, or even little things like diet changes can be very helpful.

Also, and I touched on this a bit in point three: whatever we do to manage our emotions, it CANNOT be something that just shuts them down completely. If you and I just “stopped” feeling intensely we would no longer be ourselves, and our personalities would probably grind to a halt. Furthermore, because emotionally intense people HAVE to develop their emotional intelligence to such a high level, I think feeling intensely gives people like you and I a powerful ability to mend others’ emotional pain and when needed speak to others’ innermost thoughts. For example, while your character in Foruneyti is not perfect, her sympathy for others plays a major role in her initial friendship with Loki. I think that is why many readers call her Healer; it is not just after her trade, but because of her genuine compassion and ability to heal others from the inside out. I only wish I could be so good a person.

I loved your story Foruneyti because the main character is keenly aware of how emotionally complicated life can get (e.g. her musings over Audun’s friendship) and instead of getting cynical, she just becomes more generous. Nowhere is an emotionally intense person’s power for good more evident than when she has every reason to wallow in self-absorption and self-pity, and instead she consciously decides to be more selfless and kind.

That is the takeaway message here: that we actually have so much power when it comes to feeling intensely. In the moment of an episode, yes, definitely, we are out-of-control. But we are beings capable of rational thinking as well as high feeling, and it is possible to regularly experience things intensely in a way that compels us rather than cripples us. Getting there requires clever thinking, a boatload of self-awareness, and some clear goals, and probably neither you nor I will ever master it perfectly, but that the relationship between EVERY human being and his/her particular quirks! And I know, I really do know, how awful a struggle it can be. But how awful and wrong would it be to shut ourselves away from life just because we do not like how it makes us feel? Much better to get out there, and make mistakes, and maybe do some good, than to do nothing at all.

And if Foruneyti gets finished along the way, I will be thrilled (and probably emotionally overwhelmed for a while, too…). If it does not, I will be equally happy if my words here were helpful to you in anyway. Thank you for letting me share; I wish you the very best of luck!

Here is a real-life example: when I was in university, my “intake” was very, very high. I sat in classes all week, taking in lectures on everything from the Uncertainty Principle to alliteration in Beowulf. I had loads of reading on the weekends. It was fantastic and sad and beautiful and incredible. By evening I could be so wired that doing homework was impossible. I would just pace and pace, or walk out to the nearby park and scream lines of Shakespeare at the sky, or at worst lay paralysed on my bed. I lost hours of sleep. As school went on, I learned to offset this issue by exercising (running and strength training) in the morning or afternoon, and taking time throughout the day to “output” something: have a good long conversation with someone, do something I had never done before (often exploring around the grounds), or spend some time writing. I would still feel the intense emotions, but they would not last so long.

As a bonus, I would probably have created some good memories or learned something interesting! For me, personally, it also helped to find a specific focus for the day: if I had a goal to accomplish, it was sometimes easier to set aside my feelings to get it done. So sometimes my “intake” can be so emotionally overwhelming that the only cure is to increase my “output”; sometimes, the only “output” that works is to do something that specifically addresses the thing I am feeling; sometimes I feel emotionally stuck because someone I know is in trouble and I feel like I cannot do anything: in that case, I had better well get CREATIVE or else I will be indefinitely nonfunctional.

-------------------------------------

Thank you so, so much for putting so much time and effort into writing all of this!! I am beyond grateful. I will reply to all of it in a reblog so others can read this original post without my particular experience and opinion. 

[the-record-obituaries]

May 9, 2018: Columns

Elections, always interesting...

By KEN WELBORN

Record Publisher

 Being an election year, I always like to have the chance to tell the few election stories I know--or at least that can be repeated.

Several weeks ago, I was at the Wilkes Art Gallery for an exhibit opening and there was an artist from Sylva, North  Carolina, with work on display.  As we visited, the name Cagle came up and I was instantly reminded of my (somewhat misspent) youth at Western Carolina University in Cullowhee, and the 1970 mid-term election.  I was helping the Jackson County Republican Party headed by a man known as Baldy Cagle--known so for obvious reasons.  An old line politico, cigar and all, he found out that I was from Wilkes County, and, all he really wanted from me after that was to haul as much whiskey as my old 1957 Studebaker could pull up Black Mountain.

This is the same Mr. Cagle who, on Election Day, was at the polls late in the evening when an ambulance pulled up.  An election official climbed into the ambulance and shortly returned. An elderly lady standing next to Baldy Cagle remarked that it did her heart good to see someone on the way to the hospital making sure they got to vote. Baldy smiled and said, "Honey, that ambulance ain't on the way to the hospital--it's on the way to the funeral home."

  And with all the hubbub these days about voter ID’s, I need to explain what was loosely known for years as “…the North Wilkesboro way.” This made sure that anyone who wanted to vote could do so, early and often, as they liked to say. In North Wilkesboro, if a tombstone hadn’t been chiseled for too long, that person quite often “voted” in two or three more elections–by way of what amounts to the ultimate absentee ballot. And, at least once, a van load of folks from Boomer came to the North Wilkesboro Fire Department to vote in an election, apparently they were thinking about moving to town and wanted to feel a part of the community. Conley Call, then an election official, put a stop to that one.

But my favorite election story is about the ‘64 Presidential Election between Lyndon Johnson and Barry Goldwater. Johnson’s campaign slogan was “All the way with LBJ,” and Goldwater’s was “In your heart, you know he’s right.”

Salisbury is the home of the soft drink Cheerwine, regionally popular for many years, and, during the '64 election, the story goes that the Cheerwine plant was the place to find a new “political” drink. AU-H20—or “Goldwater” as it was affectionately known. “Goldwater” was widely distributed in North Carolina during that election, sold both as a novelty item and as a fundraiser for the campaign.

I was a 15-year-old kid at the time and working at the Thrift Super Market in North Wilkesboro for Mr. H. D. Ball. I was at the Thrift I saw my first display of AU-H20, but there was lots of it available in heavily Republican Wilkes County.

Well, you know how that election went—it was indeed LBJ All The Way in a landslide, and the Cheerwine bottler had pallets and pallets of the stuff left over in a warehouse in Salisbury. In what was one of my first exposure to a clever marketing campaign, the Winston Salem Journal ran a story and a picture of the bottler’s plan to liquidate (no pun) his leftover inventory. The photo in the newspaper showed a huge display of the “Goldwater” drinks stacked in a grocery store with a steeply discounted price in big letters. Under the price sign was another one which read, “In your heart, you know it’s just ginger ale.”

He sold out.

Thoughts to my Children

By LAURA WELBORN

I recently ran across this quote and thought it was perfect with Mother’s Day coming up:

 “When My Children remember their childhood, I want only for them to remember that their Mother gave it her all.  She worried too much, she failed at times and did not always get it right…but tried her hardest to teach them about kindness, love, compassion, and honesty.  Even if she had to learn it from her own mistakes, she loved them enough to keep going, even when life knocked her down. I want them to remember me as the woman who always got back up.” Positive Living Inspiration quote

Some of the things I wanted my children to learn was how critical attitude is in life, and when we can work off of kindness, love, compassion and honesty we can always get back up with pride. I found these thoughts from the Marc and Angel Hack Life blog that seemed to hit home for what I tried to model and teach children no matter their age or relationship to me:

1.      “Your attitude often reflects a certain level of self-centered self-victimization. – We all have the tendency to put ourselves at the center, and see everything—every event, conversation, circumstance, etc.—from the viewpoint of how it relates to us and only us.  And this can have all kinds of adverse effects, from feeling hurt when other people are rude, to feeling sorry for ourselves when things don’t go as planned, to doubting ourselves when we aren’t perfect.   When you catch yourself feeling like a singled-out victim, think about other people you might help. Finding little ways to help others can snap you out of your self-centeredness, and then you’re not wallowing in self-pity anymore—you’re starting to think beyond yourself, for your own good.

2.      Your attitude is still greatly affected by old stories. – In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.  Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely and see that it’s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past).  Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now.   The pain, however, is still happening right now because of the story you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself about that past incident.

3.      Your attitude often reflects your inner resistance to reality. – Most people make themselves unhappy simply by finding it impossible to accept life as it is presenting itself right now.  Do your best to catch yourself. Be mindful. When you accept the reality of the moment, regardless of how painful, you allow yourself to grow and heal.  Ultimately, happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

4.      Your attitude gets caught up in fearing and hiding from change. – Sometimes, no matter how hard it is to admit, there are things in your life that aren’t meant to stay.  Change may not be what you want, but it’s always exactly what’s happening. And sometimes saying goodbye is the hardest thing you will ever have to do

5.      Your attitude is affected by your passivity and procrastination. – So many of us waste so much of our time and energy waiting for the ideal path to appear.  But it never does. Because we forget that paths are made by walking, not waiting.

6.      Your attitude reflects your aversion to discomfort. – Many of us don’t want to be uncomfortable, so we run from discomfort constantly.  The problem with this is that, by running from discomfort, we are constrained to partake in only the activities and opportunities within our comfort zones.  

7.      Your attitude is often rooted in unrealistic ideals. – Despite what you keep hearing inside your head, you can disappoint people and still be good enough.  You can fail and still be smart, capable and talented. You can let people down and still be worthwhile and deserving of love and admiration.

8.      Your attitude easily defaults to self-contempt. – Next time you catch yourself wallowing in self-contempt, remind yourself that you were not born feeling this way.  

9.      Your attitude often reflects a lack of presence and self-awareness. – One of the hardest challenges we face in life is to simply live in our own skin.  To just be right here, right now, regardless of where we are. Too often we use compulsive work, compulsive exercise, compulsive love affairs, and the like, to escape from ourselves and the realities of living.”

I didn’t always get it right and sometimes I think I missed the mark more than I hit it, but I made a conscious effort to try and will continue to remind myself to keep getting back up and not let my attitude hold me back from trying.  So having been a full time mother to two and part time step mother to another seven, an Aunt who adored her nieces and nephews, and a surrogate grandmother to many I hope I have made a difference in some small way to instill love, kindness, and compassion to others.   

 Dismantle the Occupation Myth 

By EARL COX

Special to The Record

After a recent U.N. debate that included Palestinian issues, Palestinian Ambassador Riyad Mansour told reporters: “We challenge the liars who advocated lies in the Security Council yesterday.” Asked if he was calling U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley a liar, Mansour backtracked saying Haley’s speech was “not credible.”

With similar diplomatic finesse, chief Palestinian negotiator Saeb Erekat snapped at Haley to “shut up” when she criticized PA President Mahmoud Abbas. Haley declined Erekat’s “advice” at the Security Council, with Abbas listening: “I will not shut up. Rather, I will respectfully speak some hard truths.”

Palestinians’ jarring style aside—lies versus “hard truths” are at the core of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. And a major falsehood is the politically infused myth of Israeli “occupation.”

Truth prevailed when the U.S. State Department recently struck “occupied” from its description of the Palestinian Territories in a 2017 report, for the first time in almost 40 years. As Trump house cleans the Department of State and sweeps out the Deep State cobwebs, Israel’s 3,000+ years of Jewish history, genealogy and archeology, and international law supporting Israel’s sovereignty become admissible evidence.

Evidence of Palestinian leaders’ habitual lying also is accumulating. It’s getting harder to be a good liar in today’s digitized communications milieu, with its speed-driven, global access to truth for those who care enough to search for it.

If anyone wonders why Palestinian leaders preach peace and claim the victimization of their people in English (to woo international support)—but spew hatred and terror in Arabic (to incite their people), it’s because the Koran condones lying as a way of jihad to deceive Islam’s enemies until they’re slain or subdued.

 Problem is, it’s harder to cover up blatant lies today than it was when Roman Emperor Hadrian named the land “Palestina” to erase “Judea” from the map. Palestinian leaders tap into this august Roman tradition by claiming descent from the “original Canaanites”–a clumsy political effort to pretend that Israel is “occupying” their ancestral land.

 But there’s no trace of Palestinian genealogy in Canaan. “Palestinians descend primarily from … Muslim invaders, Arab immigrants, and local [forced] converts to Islam,” said historian Alex Joffe. No Arab or Palestinian entity ever formed a national state in Israel, Judea or Samaria; therefore, the Palestinian Territories have no legal or political basis, said Ambassador Alan Baker; no international agreement, contract, treaty or binding international resolution exists that defines these territories as Palestinian.

 But Palestinian leaders won’t drop the hype. Erekat proclaimed at an international conference in Europe: “I am a son of Jericho. My age—10,000 years. I am a proud son of the Canaanites, and I was [here] 5,000 years ago, and 500 years before the coming of Joshua bin Nun, who burned my city, Jericho, and I will not trade in my history [because of a demand to recognize Israel as a Jewish state].” In other words, as correspondent Pinhas Inbari points out, Erekat won’t recognize Israel’s history because he was there first, and besides, that makes Joshua bin Nun a war criminal.

 But the Erekat family’s genealogy—including entries on his own Facebook page—tell a different story, Baker said. “Erekat’s family is Bedouin, part of the Huweitat clan that originated in the Hejaz area of Saudi Arabia, arrived in Palestine from the south of Jordan, and settled in … Abu Dis.”

Because the Palestinians know that historical, archeological, religious and genetic records indisputably prove Jews as the indigenous population and with a continuous presence in the land, they deny Jewish history and destroy or usurp archeological evidence and ancient Jewish religious sites.

Genealogical and historical records actually identify the Palestinians as the true occupiers, Joffe said. “The Muslim conquest of Palestine in the 7th century CE, and Muslim immigration … under the Ottoman and British Empires is a textbook example of settler-colonialism.”

 Since these truths are evident and well-documented, why are they so often met with doubt and silence? What explains it?

 Why does the EU attack Israeli sovereignty while ignoring NATO ally Turkey’s illegal occupation of Cyprus? “Where,” asks Harvard law professor emeritus Alan Dershowitz, “are [their] demonstrations on behalf of the oppressed Tibetans, Georgians, Syrians, Armenians, Kurds … Ukrainians? … Only the Palestinians, only Israel? Why? Not because the Palestinians are more oppressed … but because their alleged oppressors are Jews and the nation-state of the Jews.”

 Anti-Semitism and anti-Zionism, combined with Islam’s hatred of Israel, threaten to dangerously blur the line between truth and lies. The United States, and every nation that upholds, defends and declares the truth is to be applauded.

  Mules, dogs, and a Great Adventure  

By CARL WHITE

Life in the Carolinas

I believe if you can get to know people who own and care for mules and donkeys you will in time come to appreciate the people and love the animals too. That’s what happened to me, and over the years I have formed friendships with both.

Some years ago, I was invited to attend Mule Days at Leatherwood in Ferguson NC. It’s a beautiful place in western Wilkes County where nature seems to be at peace with human interaction. It’s the kind of place where deer, wild turkeys, and other friendly animals are not always on heightened alert.

The relaxing streams are home to an array of fish, and they may also be happy, but I think the fisherman are even more so. It’s the kind of place where stress levels drop as nature administers its therapy.

When I first visited Mule Days, I was amazed at all I did not know about these fantastic animals. Mules are smart and surer-footed than their equine companions the horse. Donkeys while often small can be mammoth in stature and personality.

Like people, the personalities of mules and donkeys differ and offer up a variety of expressions and behaviors that once you get to know them you will find it difficult to not think about them. I enjoy having dogs in my life, however for the most part donkeys do not feel the same way.

Mule Days appears to bring out the best in everyone, and even the donkeys and dogs seem to get along just fine. Maybe it’s the mountain air. Ben Snipes of Lancaster SC brought his dog “Tater” who is a Catahoula Cur. Also known as a “Catahoula Hog Dog” and is the state dog of Louisiana. They are smart and energetic. One interesting trait of this hunting bread is the “cracked glass” or “marbled glass” eyes which have blue or blue-white in the color mix.

Shannon Huffman leads the Mule Days at Leatherwood gathering and has a friendly mule by the name of “Seven” and a donkey named “Madalina” that attended the event. Both are perfect ambassadors.

Morgan Jones is the 2018 Mule Days Queen and represents the event well. Her love of mules and the people who care for them was evident. It was great to see Bernie Harberts and his mule Polly. I first met them some years ago when they had just finished a cross-county trip and were planning a trip from Canada to Mexico. That trip is now completed along with a documentary of the journey. “The Lost Sea Expedition” premiered on Rocky Mountain PBS and is now available on Amazon Prime.

It is a fantastic story that was filmed by Bernie with the gear he carried in the small wagon pulled by Polly. This is a fine story of A Man and A Mule and how they made a journey that inspires everyone who watches it unfold.

When you consider that it was the two of them and the people they met along the way it’s a remarkable story. From what I have witnessed about many of the “Mule People” They have high drive and passion and are willing to do more than many in the pursuit of a great adventure.  

Greek philosopher Aristotle wrote, “Some kinds of animal’s burrow in the ground; others do not. Some animals are nocturnal, as the owl and the bat; others use the hours of daylight. There are tame animals and wild animals. Man, and the mule are always tame…”

 Carl White is the executive producer and host of the award winning syndicated TV show Carl White’s Life In the Carolinas. The weekly show is now in its seventh year of syndication and can be seen in the Charlotte viewing market on WJZY Fox 46 Saturday at noon. For more on the show visit www.lifeinthecarolinas.com, You can email Carl White at Carl@lifeinthecarolinas.com.  

[backinblack1967]

The Annual Feeling of Loss or You’re Never Alone (Seonghwa x Reader)

A/N: Hi, everyone! :) Over the years I’ve written several little stories but never had the courage to post them online. I’ve been struggling with the death of my dad the past few months and what better way to cope with it than with writing it down, I thought. So, I made a one-shot with ATEEZ and a reader insert. If you don’t want to read about it, you are warned. (Please be warned that English isn’t my mother tongue, either.)  

To be honest, this one is more fluff and (bad) humour after the initial angst. Feel free to leave a comment, ask me about anything or maybe even leave a request for a future scenario.

XXX Sarah

Seonghwa x Reader x platonic!ATEEZ

word count: 3,011

***

네가 힘이 들고 지칠 때 When it's hard and you're tired

찾게 되는 그 곳, 나 그 곳이 될게 the place you're looking for, I'll become this place

아무 것도 놓을 수 없어서 when you have nowhere to lean on

삶이 버거울 때 꼭 네 곁이 될게 when life is too much, I will be next to you

(BTS - With Seoul)

***

It was that day again. You had dreaded it for the last 2 years and you hated yourself for it. When your father had been alive it had been a funny coincidence that your birthday was on the exact day before his, but when he’d died you had come to loathe both of your birthdays because they had become a constant reminder that you’d never see him again. Never hear his voice again or feel his arms around you in one of his famous bear hugs.

Yesterday you had celebrated your birthday with your friends, trying to suppress the rising feeling of dread and sadness. Currently, you were sitting in a small café, or more like hiding from your best friends you whom were living with. You could try bullshitting them with the excuse of cramps or a migraine, but some would undoubtedly see behind your carefully constructed façade.

And so, you had gone out in the early hours of the day to seek refuge and distraction in the crowds. You were currently sitting in the farthest corner with a cup of warm chocolate in front of you and your iPad and pencil in the other, trying to force the thoughts from your head onto the canvas. Sometimes drawing them helped to forget a little. Or to remember the fond moments you were especially frightened of forgetting over time.

This morning, when you had opened your old chat to listen to his voice again, you had barely been able to contain your cries. The audio messages were still there but the little icon on top which should show his picture had been empty. Maybe it was because he had been offline for too long and at that thought, uncontrollable sobs had taken over your body. You had decided to leave your shared flat then because you didn’t want to ruin their short time off by bringing their jovial mood down.

You had left a note on the kitchen table saying you would be back in the evening and that they shouldn’t wait up if it got later.

You figured if you could only get through today you would be fine tomorrow. Distract yourself until nightfall, sneak in and sleep it off.

Admittedly, you had entertained the thought of talking to Yun-ho this morning and whether you would feel better wrapped in his arms but then you had decided against it. You didn’t want to burden either of them and you really didn’t want them to see you as weak. For good measure, you had turned off your mobile phone so you wouldn’t be tempted to call them or your mom.

***

What you didn’t know was that back in the dorm every sense of carefreeness had been abandoned hours ago. San hadn’t been particularly worried when he had found your note first – sometimes you just ventured off to calm places to concentrate.

He couldn’t blame you when their dorm resembled a playground filled with 5-year olds high on sugar more often than not. He had been curious why you would be staying out late on a weekend but Hong-joong had reminded him that people like them needed the occasional day off to gather inspiration and that you would surely confide in them if something was bothering you.

They had unanimously decided to wait up for you to ask if anything was wrong but to otherwise leave you be for the time you were away. However, San had seen Seong-hwa and Yeo-sang trying to sneakily call you several times through the day. When he had asked them about it, both of them had admitted that they had a bad gut feeling. Both of them had been with you on some of your “alone days” without the others knowing, so their feelings wouldn’t get hurt. When he had gathered all of his team members to tell them exactly that, they had been surprised to hear because as it turned out you had always taken one of them with you when you had gone out “alone”.

Now they were worried. Had something happened? Had they unknowingly done something to hurt your feelings? Or had it been someone else? Jong-ho had oh so kindly offered to beat up anyone who might have hurt their girl, Min-gi volunteering as well. Both Hong-joong and Woo-young had hurriedly convinced them not to do it, in remembrance of the last incident.

And then the phone had rung.

And it wasn’t who they had expected. An angry, high-pitched female voice had greeted Yun-ho on the other end, making his smile drop. That wasn’t you. And she was neither speaking Korean nor English. He picked up two familiar words, however, in her rant: your name and the word “papa”. With wide eyes he told Hong-joong and thrust the phone at him as if it would bite him any minute.

Hong-joong switched the phone to speaker as he waited for a break in her venomous monologue. They winced from the apparent fury in her tone without even understanding what she was saying. When she paused to draw breath, Hong-joong hurriedly interrupted her in English.

“I’m sorry, I assume you want to talk to Y/N, but she’s currently out. May I ask who you are?”

The woman’s voice had turned condescending at that, mocking him for his “horrible” English pronunciation in a sickly-sweet tone before she continued to rant about her little irresponsible and stupid sister who wouldn’t even come home for her deceased father’s birthday. Like, who did she think she was? Not even calling her elder sister to ask her if she was alright on such a somber day. Hong-joong didn’t detect a smidgen of sadness in her voice or any compassion for her family member. And suddenly your absence made incredibly much more sense.

He figured he would let her let off steam before getting rid of her and looking for you with his brothers. It was twenty minutes later when he couldn’t stand the insults hurled towards you anymore and told her to shut up (which shocked his members as they’d never heard him speak less than respectful to strangers or older people). He had tried to tell her of your compassion and warm heart, how you helped everyone around you and brightened their days. But for every positive trait or deed your sister had responded with another insult which were growing more and more farfetched.

They others weren’t too good in English but with certain familiar keywords, their leader’s expression and the tone of the woman’s voice they could piece together the gist of what was being said. Even Yun-ho’s patience began wearing thin as he watched Joong’s expression turning more and more agitated and downright hurt.

He threw a glance at their eldest who held a pensive expression on his face as he stared off into the distance. When Seong-hwa noticed Yun-ho’s pleading gaze and the various distressed and confused faces around him, he lightly tapped on Hong-joong’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Joong, don’t you want to end this conversation? It doesn’t seem to go anywhere… Could you wrap it up and tell us what exactly is going on?”

He nodded and said a few sentences to the other person on the phone that left her silent with surprise.

“You will have to stop right there, miss. I won’t tolerate you insulting my friend any longer. I have no idea how you got this number but please refrain from calling again or I will see myself forced to talk to our manager and lawyer. Have a good day.”

There was a brief silence before Yeo-sang voiced what all of them were thinking.

“So… who exactly was that and why were they so angry at Y/N?”

Hong-joong explained that your older sister had called from home and that today was the birthday of your father who had died two years ago, shortly before his birthday back then, too.

San hugged Woo-young when his face crumbled into sadness at the news. He could vividly imagine what it meant to lose a family member and he didn’t wish that kind of devastating heartache on any of the people he considered family.

Hong-joong couldn’t bring himself to repeat the insults your sister had hurled at you and relied as much to the others. He was visibly angry whereas Seong-hwa looked more concerned.

“Should we go look for her? Do you have any idea where she could be?”

“Don’t you think we should give her some space until she comes back, Hwa? I mean, she obviously had a reason to leave for the day.”

Yun-ho trailed off unsurely because he didn’t want to do anything else besides wrap you in his arms and to cuddle the sadness away.

“I think we should wait here. Don’t get me wrong, I want nothing more than to be with her right now, either, but we don’t know where to start searching. And what if she comes home while we’re running around Seoul? Let’s just wait and cheer her up when she returns,” proposed Yeo-sang, ever the voice of reason, although he didn’t seem to be happy about it. “I don’t want to overwhelm her or make her uncomfortable.”

Min-gi was the first one to agree. “Then can we prepare a movie evening and order take-out?”

***

It was dark when you decided you had wallowed in self-pity and bitter-sweet memories for long enough. You trudged through the darkened streets until you found yourself staring up at the building of your dorm. You had decided to come home earlier than planned because you honestly couldn’t take being alone anymore.

You needed their smiles and distracting chaos to ground yourself in the present and to remind yourself that everything would be okay at the end of the day.

You forced a smile on your face as you walked up the flights of stairs towards your home. Shortly before you reached the front door, you turned on your phone again only to take note of the several missed calls, all of them from your extended little family except one from your sister. You weren’t sorry that you had missed hers, she would have solely reproached you anyway for your so-called heartless behaviour towards her.

You stuffed your phone into your jeans pocket, touched that they had tried reaching out to you despite your little note. You felt childish for ignoring them now.

You had barely unlocked the front door and put your keys on the hook next to it, when something slammed into you and wrapped their arms around your shoulders. Another one joining seconds after at your back. Blinking in surprise, you returned the hugs and automatically your uptight body went lax in their hold.

You felt surrounded and loved and so completely at home.

Judging from the familiar scents, you were currently between San and Min-gi. Over the latter’s shoulder you could see Woo-young nervously bouncing on the balls of his feet. You smiled at him and it felt less forced than all the hours before. When you beckoned with your hand towards him, he bound over to your little bunch and joined the tangled mess. You giggled at their puppy-like behaviour.

“Did something happen? What’s gotten into you, not that I’m complaining?”

“We just missed you,” came Woo-young’s muffled reply.

You smiled at his admission, “I missed you, too. All of you.”

When you had untangled yourself from the hug a few minutes later, Min-gi took your hand and led you towards the grand couch in the living room.

You took in the other members sitting on the couch and on the nest of pillows and blankets before it, with steaming take-out containers scattered in various places.

“Okay, something definitely happened. Are we celebrating a new song? Do I need to beat somebody up?”

You earned various smiles for that and Seong-hwa patted the free space between him and Yun-ho on the couch. You accepted his invitation and after they had wrapped their arms over your shoulders you inquired once more, “Now tell me. What happened?”

There was a tense silence before Hong-joong spoke. “Your sister called today.”

Dread replaced your uplifted mood as you felt the smile slip from your face. In a small voice you asked, “What did she say? ... Oh my god, I’m so sorry, guys. I don’t know how she got this number.”

Yeo-sang hushed you from his place at your feet, one hand running up your knee.

“Don’t worry. I don’t think she will call again. But why didn’t you tell us about today? You know you can tell us anything. We love you.”

You fiddled with your fingers, touched by his sincere words.

“I love you guys, too. It’s just- I just didn’t want to bother you on your small holiday. And I thought that if I … don’t need comfort or if I don’t talk about it, it would go away sooner. Like it didn’t actually happen.”

Hearing your reasons out loud made you wince because of how pathetic they sounded. You really were childish.  And as horrible as your sister said, for trying to forget your father’s death. I’m sorry, papa. I miss you.

Your self-deprecating train of thoughts was interrupted by a soft palm on your right cheek.  

“Sweetheart, whatever you’re thinking right now – stop. You’re not stupid for trying to forget or for being insecure. And you can always come to us if something is bothering you. Have you forgotten the many times you were there for us? Isn’t that right, guys?”

All around the room, there were affirmative nods and assuring smiles. You smiled and leaned subconsciously into his touch.

“I- I think I know, Hwa. I was just being stupid. Sorry for worrying you.”

He leaned in with a soft smile until his forehead and nose were touching yours. You squirmed at his closeness and your obvious blush on display for all of them. He had always been a bit touchy-feely with you, but you had passed it off as Woo-young, Min-gi and San rubbing off on the other members.

You were sure your crush was blatantly obvious right now. Your love for Seong-wha went far beyond the platonic kind and you had been afraid to tell him – or anyone – in fear of making things awkward. But in that moment, as he gazed deeply into your eyes, you could have sworn he felt the same for you.

Your little bubble was interrupted by Woo-young’s coos and Jong-ho clearing his throat.

“So, uh… can we start movie night now? I’m famished.”

You all laughed at that, but you still caught the knowing smiles on their faces. Seong-hwa winked at you when he retreated slightly.

You barely registered Yun-ho mumbling something about popcorn, being far too occupied with Seong-wha draping a blanket over the both of you and engulfing your hand underneath it with his bigger one. You snuggled closer to him, leaning your head on his shoulder. The need for comfort and skin-ship was making you a little bolder than usual.

Yun-ho and Min-gi returned with two big bowls of popcorn and snuggled back into the pillow fort. The next few hours were spent laughing at the people in the movie, munching popcorn and gorging on your favourite take-out.

Sometimes happy moments made you sad when you realized you wouldn’t get to share them with your father. This time, you felt whole and as if you could face any problems as long as they stayed by your side.

There was a comfortable lull in conversation and no more remarks at the stupidity of certain movie characters a few hours later when everyone became sleepy. Your head rested drowsily against Seong-hwa’s shoulder, his cheek on the crown of your head, hands intertwined and blissful smiles on both your faces. You were happy, sorrows not forgotten but dulled and overshadowed by the feeling of absolute belonging.

You heard Yeo-sang whispering and giggling with San.

“Hm?” You raised an inquisitive eyebrow at them.

“Oh, don’t mind us. We were just wondering when one of you will gather enough courage to make the first step,” Yeo-sang remarked matter-of-factly with a good-natured smirk on his face as he made a sweeping gesture towards you and Seong-hwa.

Your earlier blush returned full force. You pressed into Seong-hwa’s chest to hide from their encouraging gazes. His chuckle rumbled underneath your ear as he drew you closer with his arm.

“There you go again, ruining my plans to tell her. And do I have to remind you that most of the time it was one of you two who interrupted me when I was approaching the subject? I should put both of you on dish washing duty for the next month,” he answered jokingly.

You had perked up in the middle of his sentence. Was that an indirect confession?

Your head peaked up at him, catching the warm smile directed at you.

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course, I do. So, what do you say, Y/N. Do you want to be the Light Fury to my Toothless?”

“Yes,” was all you managed through the big smile on your face.

What had begun as a horrible day had ended as one of the best days in your life so far. And all thanks to your little extended family and the guy you had fallen in love with.

“That’s nice and all, but please keep things PG-rated, alright? We have a baby in our midst.”

As Jong-ho hit Yun-ho over his head, Seong-hwa threw you one of those smiles that were a cross between amusement and internal suffering. You giggled and snuggled closer again. You were home.

[reikimaster-blog]

The Art of Handling Difficult People

Regardless of our age or social status, there will always be some difficult people out there who want nothing more than to bully and belittle us.  Sometimes they’re colleagues at work, sometimes they’re people in our neighborhoods, sometimes they’re those mean kids on the playground…

And just as difficult people will always exist in the world, so too will our power to choose how we respond to them.  Do we let them make their pain our own?  Or do we choose to transform that pain into personal growth and strength?  Do we let them win?  Or do we choose to win?

It’s hard to make wise choices in the heat of the moment.  But when we choose to win and transform pain into personal growth and strength, we aren’t just improving our own lives, we’re also improving the lives of the people we love, and the people who look up to us.

With that said, however, sometimes handling difficult people—and “winning”—is, well, difficult!  Angel and I have worked with hundreds of course students and coaching clients over the past decade who were struggling through this very predicament.  And gradually, we guided them through several smart yet simple strategies that work wonders.  I want to briefly review a few of these strategies with you today, in hopes that you find value in them too…

Practice detaching yourself from other people’s bias opinions. — You may not be able control all the things people say and do, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.  The way people treat you is their problem, how you respond internally is yours.  What you need to remember is that the things people say and do to you is much more about them, than you.  People’s reactions to you are about their perspectives, biases and past experiences.  Whether people think you’re amazing, or believe you’re disgusting, again, is more about them and how they view the world.  Now, I’m not suggesting we should be self-indulged narcissists and ignore all the opinions and commentary we receive from others.  I’m simply saying that incredible amounts of hurt, disappointment and sadness in our lives come directly from our tendency to take things too personally.  In most cases it’s far more productive and healthy to let go of other people’s good or bad opinions of you, and to operate with your own intuition and insight as your guide.

Wish them well and move forward with your day. — Don’t lower your standards, but do remember that removing your expectations of others is the best way to avoid being disappointed by them.  Realize that there’s no reason to expect others to treat you the way you treat them—not everyone has the same heart as you.  Meditate on that.  Let it sink in.  Ultimately, the real test is being kind to unkind people.  And yes, you can always stand tall and be sincerely kind to people you strongly disagree with.  Remind yourself that you never know what someone has been through in their life, or what they’re going through today.  Just do your best to be kind, generous, and respectful, no mater what.  Truth be told, all the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as a baby.  And that’s the tragedy of living.  So when people are rude and difficult, be mindful—be your best.  Give those around you the “break” that you hope the world will give you on your own “bad day” and you will never, ever regret it.

Model the behavior you want to see. — When someone insists on foisting their hostility and drama on you, be an example of a pure existence.  Ignore their outlandish antics and focus on compassion.  Communicate and express yourself from a place of peace, from a place of love, with the best intentions.  Use your voice for good, to inspire, to encourage, to educate, and to spread the type of behavior you want to see in others.  This, of course, is much easier said than done.  It takes long-term practice.  Even with decades of practice behind me, I sometimes catch myself being rude to people who are rude to me—I behave badly because they behaved badly.  And even if the situation is absolutely their fault, my behavior only escalates the situation.  So I do my best to take a deep breath and set a good example of how to deal with anger and frustration.  I try to be patient and compassionate with them—to demonstrate a positive way of handling difficult people.  And doing so always helps me make progress, even if it’s not instantaneous.

Take positive control of negative conversations. – It’s okay to change the topic, talk about something positive, or steer conversations away from pity parties, drama, and self-absorbed sagas.  Be willing to disagree with difficult people and deal with the consequences.  Some people really don’t recognize their own difficult tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior.  You can actually tell a person, “I feel like you ignore me until you need something.”  You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away:  “I’m trying to focus on positive things.  What’s something good we can talk about?”  It may work and it may not, but your honesty will help ensure that any communication that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground.  

Proactively establish healthy and reasonable boundaries. — Practice becoming aware of your feelings and needs.  Note the times and circumstances when you’re resentful of fulfilling someone else’s needs.  Gradually build boundaries by saying no to gratuitous requests that cause resentfulness in you.  Of course, this will be hard at first because it may feel a bit selfish.  But if you’ve ever flown on a plane, you know that flight attendants instruct passengers to put on their own oxygen masks before tending to others, even their own children.  Why?  Because you cannot help others if you’re incapacitated.  In the long run, proactively establishing and enforcing healthy and reasonable boundaries with difficult people will be one of the most charitable things you can do for yourself and those you care about.  These boundaries will foster and preserve the best of you, so you can share the best of yourself with the people who matter most, not just the difficult ones who try to keep you tied up.

Make extra time for yourself. — Difficult people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are obviously hard to handle.  They want others to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves.  And you may feel pressured to listen to their complaints simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their emotional drama.  If you are forced to live or work with a difficult person, then make sure you get enough alone time to relax, rest, and recuperate.  Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of relentless moodiness can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, their toxic attitude can infect you.  So remember that even people with legitimate problems and clinical illnesses can still comprehend that you have needs as well, which means you can politely excuse yourself when you need to.  

Let them know that you, respectfully, do not care. — This one is essentially a last resort.  If you’ve tried your best to communicate respectfully with a difficult person, or to gracefully distance yourself from them, but they insist on following you around and attacking you for whatever reason, it’s time to speak up and tell them that their words are meaningless.  In such situations, I challenge you to make this your lifelong motto: “I respectfully do not care.”  Say it to anyone who relentlessly passes public judgment on something you strongly believe in or something that makes you who you are.  And remind yourself that you did nothing wrong.  Some people will inevitably judge you no matter what you do, and that’s OK.  You affected their life; don’t let them affect yours.                                                                                                                                                                    Courtesy of marcandangel.com

[amcasey177]

Week 6: Life at Karatu Lutheran Hospital and FAME Medical, Kayaking to Kenya & Chasing Waterfalls

Sorry for not heeding your advice, TLC

An Oasis at Lake Chala

Karatu I’ve been working at Karatu Lutheran Hospital (KLH) for two weeks now and have also spent sometime working at FAME Medical. As I previously mentioned, my hospital partner Sarah and I live in a guest house KLH grounds. We are a 15 minute rickshaw ride from Karatu town, which is the central town for the many farms surrounding it. Karatu is nestled among some of the world’s geological wonders including the active volcano, Ol Doinyo Lengai, and the Ngorongoro Crater. It does not look like The Lion King, as my friend Camille was so hoping; it’s characterized by rolling hills, lush farm land and volcanic red dirt (which now characterizes all of my shoes). The town has an African charm to it that is lacking in the bustling City of Arusha. However, this charm comes with a price: availability. It is very hard to find hot food that isn’t meat and rice, any grocery item remotely resembling what I am used to, or, most importantly, any electrical component that I need to do my job. Such things are a two and a half hour drive away in Arusha. I would love to say that it’s no big deal, I’ve learned to adapt; but sometimes you just need a friggin’ 240 ohm resistor and a cheeseburger.

That lush farm land I was talking about.

My New Digs We’re living in a large house that uh, has character. Dirty is a state of mind, not a state of being, right? Right. Luckily we have running water (an incredibly large percentage of Tanzanians don’t), though sometimes it is black, in which case can rely bottled water (don’t worry Mom!). I have to wash all my clothing by hand, and by the third hour of doing so every Monday night, I have written sonnets about how much I miss washing machines. We’re cooking for ourselves, which is definitely a challenge when you don’t have a fridge, food that you’re accustomed to, or a spatula (I could probably just buy the spatula, but I’d rather wallow in self-pity). Nonetheless I’ve learned that you can accomplish a lot with just a gas tank and matches. For instance, yesterday I made my own tomato sauce and today I popped popcorn the old fashion way, just some oil and a flame, no jiffypop or popsecret necessary. We have lots of friendly neighbors, including three kids between the ages of 6 and 11 that I play cards and sardines with every other night. They call me “Madam Ash” and have quickly and surely stolen my heart. Overall its a challenging way of life, and not always in the romantic kind of way, but I’m lucky to realize just how much I have to be grateful for.

The bi-monthly Iraqw Market is one of the biggest around, attracting buyers and sellers from all over Tanzania. Also that red dirt I was talking about.

Karatu Lutheran Hospital KLH is a charming, government funded, rural hospital. It boasts a very skilled staff who do great work with the limited resources that they have. There isn't much equipment at KLH; the little that they do have is heavily relied upon and well maintained by the biomedical engineering technician on staff, Augustino Pagano. So far, Sarah and I have done mostly small fixes with equipment like surgical beds and blood pressure cuffs, but everything that we do fix is greatly needed and greatly appreciated.KLH Grounds

Karatu Lutheran Grounds

Augustino to the Rescue! KLH, Sarah and I are very lucky to have Augustino. He knows a lot of what he does from working on the job and he's remarkably good at what he does. He has welcomed us into his workshop with open arms, and has offered us a lot of help in navigating the hospital. I can tell when I walk around with him how much people admire him, the man who can fix almost anything! I am very happy to help him in anyway that I can; anything that's good for him is good for the hospital.

The Crew - One from China, One from Tanzania, One from New Jersey

Augustino on the Job

Nyama Choma  - Tanzanian Barbeque. That was a filling lunch.

FAME Medical We also spend one or two days a week at FAME Medical (Foundation for African Medicine and Education). It is an organization founded by Americans Susan Gustafson and Frank Artress, a mental health specialist and a doctor. In 2002 while climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, Dr. Frank experienced a life-threating pulmonary edema. He would have died on the mountain were it not for the hard work and compassion of his local guides, who carried him up and over the mountain to safety. The incident inspired Frank and Susan to move to Tanzania and create FAME Medical, with its Hospital in Karatu, mobile health clinics that circulate the area and general public health outreach. Its a really great story, and you can learn more about their work in the link below.

FAME Medical Link

I think that FAME has done a good job of maintaining the standards of a Western hospital - in terms of equipment, patient care and facilities - while respecting and empowering the locals. Aside from Frank, Susan and a handful of Westerners, the doctors, nurses and other staff are Tanzanian, the signs are all in Swahili, the hospital is laid out on an outdoor campus like most others in Tanzania. It’s paid for by a mixture of foreign donations and the patients themselves. FAME doesn’t have a biomedical engineering technician like Augustino on staff, so once one of the nurses found out what work we were there to do, he rolled out two suction pumps, two light fixtures, three oxygen concentrators and an endoscopy light generator on the spot! It was pretty exciting.

An ICU at FAME

One of three oxygen concentrator that we worked on today. Once it was fixed, it was immediately used on a patient in need. That was pretty cool!

Moshi, Lake Chala and Marangu Waterfalls

Lake Chala. Kenya is the yellow land in the distance!

Last weekend about half of the larger group went to Moshi, the city at the foot of Mt. Kilimanjaro. We ate like kings at an Indian restaurant on Friday night. On Saturday my friends Kevin, Marianne and I made the trek to Lake Chala, which resides on the border of Tanzania and Kenya. Its a crater lake with walls a quarter km high, because, Tanzania. We first took an hour dala-dala ride (a car pool van fit for 18 people that usually houses 27) to a small town, then an hour long rickshaw ride up an insanely bumpy hill to get to the lake. Some people in the town had never even been to the lake, including our rickshaw driver, so there were times where I seriously doubted that we would make it. When we finally did, and found ourselves at an oasis-lodge on the top of the crater wall overlooking the lake, I thought I was in a mirage. Luckily it was not, and we enjoyed a day of kayaking, swimming, hiking, relaxing, eating well and watching the sunset over Mt. Kilimanjaro. At night we wised up and ordered a taxi home from the Lake to Moshi, which went much more smoothly than our journey there!

Dinner in Moshi with the Gang

Lake Chala Shenanigans

Sunset over Mt. Kilimanjaro

On Sunday we meet up with most others still in Moshi to hike to a waterfall nestled at the base of Kilimanjaro, also fed from the ice water of Mt. Kilimanjaro. It was cold, but not as cold as Galway Bay, so you know I went for a swim. I know I've been a lot of beautiful places in Tanzania, but this place was like, reallllll beautiful. The picture says it better than I can!

Thats all for now! Baadaye!

[squibblins]

the longest talk ever about my warden under the cut i’m sorry

mahariel’s really just following orders from marethari. if she hadn’t told him that being a grey warden was his duty then he would have just stayed the fuck home and probably died

that’s the only thing that keeps him going at first. duty is the most important thing to him, and the only thing he has left after losing everything he’s ever known and loved. but he hates humans for killing and separating his parents and just being dicks in general, now he has to go work for them? fuck this. he hadn’t even wanted to be a hunter, let alone a darkspawn hunter. (he’d wanted to be a halla keeper. he took the vallaslin of ghilan’nain, who happens to be the patron of hunters trying to find their way home. i love tragic symbolism).

then the mirror thing happened and he lost his sweetheart, his family, and his livelihood all in less than a week. at ostagar he’s snappish and irritable and the taint feels like fire in his veins. disappointingly, but perhaps unsurprisingly, he makes it through the joining.

for some reason the humans choose him to lead their growing group. most of the humans he’d met are either frightened of him or condescending towards him (and most of the time they want him dead). he expects them to question his leadership. that drives him to be a bit more blunt, to leave no room for doubt. mahariel is dalish; they’ve learned to make their own space, establish their own authority. the blight threatens the whole world, and to end it they must be swift and decisive in their actions. the hunter points the arrow and the rest fall in line. vir assan: fly straight and do not waver.

there are times when mahariel feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders, and his alone. he travels with strangers, humans and flat-ears and giants and one obnoxious drunken dwarf. no matter how many places their travels take them, no matter how many lives they save or tasks they complete, he can’t seem to shake the feeling that he’s just wandering, hopelessly lost. his sleep is constantly being interrupted by the archdemon. its song echoes in his dreams, as beautiful as it is terrifying. he is exhausted, paranoid, terrified, and trying desperately not to show it.

on the worst nights he thinks of his clanmates. their faces are fading from his memory, but their words never will. you are dalish, whispers marethari. vir bor’assan: bend, but never break.

the others eventually break through his shell. alistair is the first to do so (and he won’t let on, he promises); their shared experience as the last two surviving grey wardens brought them closer together than either of them expected to be.

wynne scrutinizes his actions, questions his motivations, and is happily surprised to find that her unsolicited advice is taken to heart. (wynne is a mage and an elder, and mahariel has been taught his whole life to respect their wisdom, even though she’s a shemlen.)

he has a very hard time getting along with leliana at first. she seems obsessed with the maker and her naïve attitude towards the second-class status of elves grates at him. eventually (grudgingly), the two of them begin to share small pieces of each other, and find that they share a love of stories and songs. (mahariel was raised on hahren paivel’s tales, and the dalish sing at every occasion.) at first mahariel would only listen to her tales, and as they became friendlier, he began to share stories of his own. (his clan was not here. they sent him away. they would not know he was telling dalish tales to shemlen.) when mahariel asks about bards, leliana offers to teach mahariel their ways. mahariel finds he has no patience for the politics of the empire, but he and leliana make a beautiful duet. their songs fill the camp at night and raise the spirits of those around them, though some would never admit it.

(i also like to think that mahariel had an influence on leliana’s strong support of elves in inquisition, and her reintegration of shartan’s verses into the chant of light when she becomes divine.)

to mahariel, sten is a walking talking puzzle. much like himself, sten is a fish out of water, an outsider thrust into a world that shows no love for their kind. and when they first meet sten is locked in a cage like an animal, waiting to starve or to be torn apart by the coming darkspawn. knowing the potential risks of releasing a murderer and asking him to follow, mahariel does so anyway because at this point he is purposefully ignoring all self-preservation instincts (at the time, mahariel saw death as a coming blessing). sten rivals mahariel in his obstinacy and general prickliness. they end up communicating mostly through grunts, looks, and sarcasm. they are perhaps the most alike out of all of mahariel’s companions. the (LEGENDARY) friendship they develop is heartwarming but troublesome in that sten seems to think that they might one day meet on opposite sides of a battlefield. honestly, they love each other (not like that but if he was a romance option then they would have TOTALLY boned), though they would never fucking say it to each other in a language they can both understand, except in looks and with action.

mahariel and shale have a healthy respect for each other. he immediately gets on shale’s good side for not trying to order the golem around. at first mahariel doesn’t quite trust the golem not to stomp on him if he gave them the chance. and shale doesn’t trust that mahariel seems to know exactly where to put an arrow in a golem so that it dies quickly. shale has always thought of strength as being a physical trait, so when mahariel finds clever ways to navigate a situation, it throws them completely off guard. they end up admiring mahariel for this, and the two build a strange and tentative friendship.

mahariel and morrigan often find themselves at odds when mahariel expresses any kind of compassion, except for when he expresses compassion to her. she falters, stutters, her icy composure drops. mahariel thinks sometimes that she seems... guilty about it.

he is as wary of morrigan as he is of flemeth at first. still, they admire each other’s cunning and skill in battle. she’s also one of the first people in camp to make mahariel laugh. they are very close by the time she presents the ultimatum. morrigan even approaches him once about becoming more than friends (or was that part of her plan all along?). whatever her motivations were, there’s no way they’d ever be together because mahariel is fucking gay.

he does not like oghren, and he honestly can’t tell if oghren likes him because most of the time he’s drunk and he seems to forget about anything he said the night before in the morning. they share booze on quiet nights and mahariel doesn’t hold back when they brawl. (mahariel and brawling is just a headcanon of mine, born from a throwaway tamlen line.)

then there’s zevran. mahariel spared zevran’s life because he’d pitied zevran, an elf bought on the slave market and trained to become a killer, raised without a family to keep him safe and loved. he told himself he kept zevran close to keep an eye on him, but at times it seemed that it was the other way around. i am your man without reservation, zevran had told him. this, i swear.

mahariel had a tendency to wallow in the past. he’s dalish, after all. remembering what his clan had taught him kept him from falling off the deep end, at least for a while. but zevran was all about moving on, about leaving the past behind him. while mahariel picked at old wounds, zevran opted to ignore them and hope they went away. neither of them liked to talk about their hurts, but found themselves opening up anyway.

they found they had these things in common: each lost a loved one (and blamed themselves), each sought a home they could not return to, and each sought death in duty.

zevran had never known the kind of trust he placed in mahariel (which scared him). mahariel helped him unlearn a lot of the training that made him cold and unwilling to love. and it was mostly from zevran that mahariel learned how to move the fuck on and seize joy in the present. they’re stupid in love and stuff. they admit to it in the worst way possible because they both act like expressing feelings is like pulling teeth. and even though they never say those exact words, they’re engaged by the time they go to fight the archdemon.

mahariel never thought he would see his family again. he certainly never thought that a group of mostly shemlen would replace them. of course they never truly could, but they helped soothe the ache that began the day this chaos began. as time went on, as they came to understand one another, mahariel felt less like he was carrying all of this responsibility on his own. vir adahlen: together we are stronger than the one.

morrigan gives him a choice, in the end. it would be the first time - and perhaps the last - that mahariel would forsake his duty.

mahariel at ostagar would have never agreed to do the dark ritual. killing the archdemon would be halam’shivanas: the sweet sacrifice of duty, the very thing he sought the day he left his clan. but since then he’d consorted with (even loved) shemlen and flat-ears and golems and qunari, played the politics of humans and dwarves, touched the lives of people young and old. he’d alleviated suffering and enacted justice. the people of ferelden came to see him as the Warden. he had become the personification of his duty. and mahariel was more sure than ever that he did not want it.

it was a huge, poorly calculated risk, to give the soul of an archdemon to a witch who he knew to often be selfish and cruel.

but he had already lost one family, only to gain another. and, as morrigan viciously reminded him, he could not bear to leave the people (especially the one) who taught him that this was a world worth living in.

it was, in the end, an act of selfish love that he would spend the rest of his life dreading the consequences of.

mahariel began his journey with only his duty to sustain him, and in the end found that he couldn’t commit to it because he ended up with too much to live for.