#it’s moments like these when I’m like yeah the 4.5 years of journals I have are totally worth it

[linguenuvolose]

One year since our first date 🥹🥹

[i-breathe-therefore-i-read]

Shade Series by Jeri Smith-Ready

Best. Birthday. Ever. At least, it was supposed to be. With Logan's band playing a crucial gig and Aura's plans for an intimate after-party, Aura knows it will be the most memorable night of her boyfriend's life. She never thought it would be his last. Logan's sudden death leaves Aura devastated. He's gone. Well, sort of. Like everyone born after the Shift, Aura can see and talk to ghosts. This mysterious ability had always been annoying, and Aura had wanted nothing more than to figure out why the Shift happened so she could undo it. But not with Logan's violet-hued spirit still hanging around. Because Dead Logan is almost as real as ever. Almost. It doesn't help that Aura's new friend Zachary is so understanding - and so very alive. His support means more to Aura than she cares to admit. As Aura's relationship with with the dead and the living grow ever complicated, so do her feelings for Logan and Zachary. Each holds a piece of Aura's heart... and clues to the secret of the Shift. 

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 3/19

I thought it was a good book. Fairly quick pacing. 

I like the idea of who the people were that can see ghosts/spirits because it’s not everyone. I like how they try to keep these ghosts away too. Little different tricks can help tons. I’d buy stock if I was one of them! lol

I thought Aura (cool name by the way) was a good main character. I hate what happened to her on that fateful day. So sad. 😥 Yeah I cried. At least she was there to try to help when she wasn't grieving! The hard thing for her to move on was that she could see him. It’s like a constant state of sadness. 

 I like that Aura found this journal from her mom and she was looking for answers. 

Zachary I liked and at one point disliked him. I like that even though he shares a bday with her....he’s a little different. I wasn’t too surprised why he showed up, it just seems like something that would happen. 

That cliff hanger at the end. OMG.   

Aura’s life is anything but easy. Her boyfriend, Logan, died, and his slides between ghost and shade have left her reeling. Aura knows he needs her now more than ever. She loves Logan, but she can’t deny her connection with the totally supportive, totally gorgeous Zachary. And she’s not sure that she wants to.

Logan and Zachary will fight to be the one by her side, but Aura needs them both to uncover the mystery of her past—the mystery of the Shift.

As Aura’s search uncovers new truths, she must decide whom to trust with her secrets…and her heart.

*What I thought: 4.5 out of stars

read: 3/19

I found this more exciting than the first book. So much going on. So much drama too but I loved that. lol

That beginning 😱

I like the discovery of how the shift happened. Like it wasn’t as random as they thought. I liked how they found out more about being the last and first. 

The truth of Aura’s mom’s past and who her dad was....I was like WUT!!!????!!! 😱 Major plot twist!

So the last book was a love triangle...it got worse? It was like a love square. Like why??? It was weird and you would think it would gross me out but it didn’t lol. 

Aura exhibited behavior that I would normally detest in books but I didn’t find her annoying in this. Like am I feeling okay? lol

Aura and Zach’s relationship is a complicated one. Boo. There was a lot of cute moments but also frustrating ones.

Logan’s plan to pass over never goes as plan. He does what he wants lol. 

That ending was serene 

Life can change in an instant, and no one understands that better than Aura. It’s been almost a year since her boyfriend tragically died. She’s finally letting go of Logan’s violet-hued ghost, but not her search to uncover the truth about her past. As the first in a generation that can see ghosts, Aura is convinced she has a connection to the Shift. She’s trusted Zachary, ever patient and ever by her side, with all that she knows. But when the government threatens his life in an attempt to learn Aura’s secrets, she will stop at nothing to protect herself and the one she loves...even if that means betraying her own heart.

*What I thought: 4 out of 5 stars

read: 3/19 - 4/19

That beginning totally ruined that serene moment with Logan in the last book lol. What a way to grab my attention.

Poor Zachary. I hate that he went through all of that. 

I like how Aura went all detective like to help Zach. I would try my best too!

I like the breakdown exactly on the equinox in regards with the shift and what Aura can do at those moments.

I like the trip to the UK. Good and bad things happened there. But I do like what they accomplished even though it wasn’t exactly what they thought would happen. So yay.

Everything was tied up very nicely and I’m extremely satisfied on how it ended. 

The weird thing with this series is certain things “staying in the family” like why? First one person now someone else. There are other people you know? 

[thoseofgreatambition]

marry me - prologue

pt 1| begging you | 2.1K

pt 2 | can’t sleep | 3.3K

pt 3 | marigold | 3.3K

TAG LIST: @dontwearitoutt​ @whyarentyoulaughingj​ @barbaraqueen77​ @siriusement​ @fainting-fancy​ @haipiranha @notstandingstill-imlyinginwait

prologue | the past | 4.5 K

On Fred's eight day ever of being a Hogwarts student, he already had detention with George. Neither of them took it very seriously, they were giggling through polishing trophies into the night and making jokes when they don’t think Filch will hear them. This was all too much fun. 

When they got out their stomachs were rumbling, a loud sort of noise that echoed down the hall as they walked towards the dormitory. “Do you think we can get some food?” Fred wondered out loud, there had to be some kitchens somewhere, but he didn’t know where in the hell they would be. 

George was about to respond when they saw you, another first year stroll out from another hallway in front of them. “Were you two asking where the kitchens were?” 

The three stared at each other. Fred and George remembered you from their second potions class days ago where you’d panicked during their first time making potions when your cauldron had started to leak and had accidentally knocked over your table and the one behind you in your haste to get away. Which was why you had just gotten out of detention with Snape.

You remembered them because rumor had it that they’d managed to fill Filch’s office with dungbombs. A rumor you believed seeing as you had passed it just a few moments ago and it still smelled god awful. 

Fred spoke first, a cocky smile on his lips, “Aren’t you the girl who knocked over all the cauldrons during potions?” 

“You still smell like dungbombs, you know.” when the redhead looked properly abashed you smiled a bit. Looking between him and the other twin, you didn’t want to come off as too mean. You extended your hands to shake theirs. “My name’s Y/N. It’s nice to meet you.” 

The twin that hadn’t spoken yet shook your hand first, “I’m George. He’s Fred. Do you know how to get to the kitchens?” 

You shook Fred’s hand and continued to look towards George-- who’s handshake was a bit more gentle than his brother’s. “I do! It’s near the Hufflepuff dormitory. You’ve just got to tickle the pear in a painting.” 

Fred’s eyebrow quirked upwards, “Tickle the what now?” 

Fred sagged as they come back from Quidditch practice. They’d only been on the Quidditch team for a few months now and he’s still not used to the physical toll. You’ve been sitting at the lake-- taking advantage of the wonderful weather while you got some writing done. You keep your smile to yourself as Fred sees fit to fling himself down on the ground next to you-- moaning dramatically as he uses your backpack as a pillow. “Fred you know that isn’t comfortable.” 

“You know what else isn’t comfortable Y/N? Being on a broom for the whole bloody morning.” he scowled to the best of his ability as you sniggered, “Why are you even doing out here anyways? Nothing’s due tomorrow.” 

George sat down right next to you and glanced over your work, “She’s writing.” when you snatched away your paper and smacked him he laughed, “Oh c’mon! I’m sure that it’s good! You should read it to us!” 

His brother seemed to perk up a bit at that, “Yeah! Read us a story. I need some amusement while I heal, Y/N!” 

“Fred if you need to ‘heal’ after Quidditch practice then I think you ought not to be playing Quidditch.” 

“You’re such a spoilsport.” 

“C’mon Y/N! Read us something!” George cheered on from your side, and he beamed widely when you finally sighed and began to read off of your paper. He took your discarded jacket and used that as a pillow for himself and closed his eyes as he absorbed your words. A piece about the centaurs in the Forbidden Forest. He popped an eye open to look at you when you’d finished, “’ts really good! What class is that for?” 

You shook your head, your cheeks flushed from the praise, “It’s not for a class. It’s for me.” 

“You wrote about the centaurs for fun?” There was a note of confusion from Fred, as he lifted his head up just enough to get a good look at you. “Why?”

With a shrug, you closed your journal. “I was thinking about reporting when I grow up. It could be a lot of fun. I wanted to practice.” 

Fred was silent-- he supposed that was a more traditional profession than the joke shop that he and George wanted to open. He looked to George thinking he could get confirmation that his brother was thinking the same thing, only to see that George was staring at you in a way he hadn’t seen his brother look at someone before. With soft eyes, and a tiny smile that Fred doubted that anyone else but him would have noticed.

The elder twin let out a long sigh and rolled his eyes. If George started getting loopy over you then he was sure as hell going to prank his brother as hard as he could. 

“DAMMIT FRED!” George burst into the Great Hall, his legs moving in what you assumed to be an uncontrollable manner. Something not unlike a jig. When he heard you laughing at him he scowled, “This isn’t funny.” 

“This is pretty funny.” across the hall you could see George’s little brother Ron and his first-year friends pointing and laughing as well. You took a bit of pity and did the counter spell to stop him from dancing. George gasped for air as he sat down next to you. When he stayed silent, without offering any sort of explanation you quirked an eyebrow. “So what was that about?” 

Immediately George’s face flushed maroon, and you let out a wicked grin. There was no way in hell that George was going to tell you this happened because he’d been ranting to Fred about his crush on you. 

No. That was going down with him to the grave. 

Until you saw Fred walk into the Great Hall. Your head snapped towards the other twin and your smile was massive, “Why’s Georgie blushing?” 

“Don’t call me Georgie!” 

“Ah-- I think it’s his love of dance that’s gotten to him.” Fred said with a laugh as he slid into the seat next to you. He propped his chin up on his palm. “Speaking of ‘love’ you seeing anyone for Valentines day?” 

“Nope.” if you hadn’t been focused on reading the Prophet you’d have seen George’s eyes bulge out of his skull. “Are you two doing anything fun that day? I figure you’re both planning something anyways-- can I join in?” 

George’s face scrunched together, “You want to help us?” 

“You never help us.” 

You shrugged, “Being out with you two would be fun!” you weren’t going to admit that it was because you wanted to spend Valentines day with George in whatever way you could manage. That sounded far too pathetic. 

Fred looked between you and George, he was fairly confident adding you into their little plan upped their chances of being caught by about three times but he’d spent the morning listening to George wondering and wring his hands about how to ask you out and he was fairly certain that the way you kept smiling at George meant you’d done the same wondering and wringing of your own hands. 

He made eye contact with George and they spoke at the same time. “Of course you can join us.” 

You were tired. All of you were tired. Ginny had been taken into the Chamber of Secrets, wherever that was supposed to be, and you had stayed up with the twins in the common room all night. 

Thankfully, she had wound up fine, along with Ron and Harry, but it was still hard to fall asleep. Well, except for Fred who had passed out in an armchair. 

It was still rather early in the morning, and you’d somehow found your arms wrapped around George in what was a rather clumsy but comfortable position on the couch. One of his legs was tucked underneath yours and his forehead was pressed against your left ear. He was sagging into your arms. Honestly? This was the closest you two had ever been to each other and in normal circumstances he would be a blushing mess and wondering if this was a good time to ask if he could kiss you, but he was tired. 

The boy hadn’t slept in almost 36 hours. he was just tired. He just wanted to be reassured that it was all okay now. You were warm, and you were soft, and the way you were muttering to either yourself or both of them that it was all okay was like a balm on his soul.

”It’s all okay...” you weren’t even sure who you were talking to at this point. You’d spent the year in fear. Both of your parents were Muggles, something you were proud of, but you’d spent the year wondering if something was going to kill you. “It’s all over...” 

George’s arms shifted around you until they were wrapped around your waist, his chin perched on your shoulder “I bet you’re feeling better, huh?” 

It took a few moments for you to realize that someone was talking to you. When was the last time you’d slept? It seemed like a very long time ago. “What d’you mean?” 

“They found the basilisk-- Harry killed it. You’re safe again.” 

You shrugged just a bit, something that couldn’t have been seen but George could feel, “It doesn’t feel quite real yet.” there was a pause, “I’m just glad Ginny’s alright. And Ron too. I know how worried you were. I bet you’re very glad too.” 

George’s heart swelled more than he thought possible, and for a moment he wondered if this is what his father felt for his mother. 

“I’m happy you’re safe as well, you know.” 

You were a bit nervous to go to the Burrow. This was about to be your fifth year at Hogwarts and of knowing the twins, but you were wondering what a magical house would be like. Was it a lot different from what you grew up with? Your mother had told you to be polite and had loaded you with scones to give Mrs. and Mr. Weasley along with a thank-you note from both of your parents saying how much they appreciated you being able to stay there for a whole month. There were supposedly several phone numbers in case of an emergency, but you doubted that anyone in the house would know how to use them. 

Mrs. Weasley had been delighted at what you’d brought-- “Oh scones! Did your mother make these?” 

“Ah-- my father and I actually, ma’am.” 

She cooed a bit, grinning wide at her new guest, “How sweet of you! I’m glad that Fred and George have a good influence like you with them at school. I wonder how much trouble they’d get into if you weren’t there.” Molly missed the nervous glance you gave the twins, apparently she did not know how much you covered for them when they were out ‘causing trouble’. Fred made a ‘shushing’ motion while George gave you a wink that made your stomach do a flip. 

“Well yes Mother dearest we’re all quite glad to have Y/N here an act as our guiding light through these trying times.” George placed a hand on your waist and began to steer you away from the kitchen to the outside where their siblings were playing Quidditch. 

Fred’s arm draped over your shoulder as they walked you out of the front door, while you desperately tried to say a polite goodbye to their mother, “It was really nice to meet you Mrs. Weasley--” and like that you were outside, the July sun pounding on your face. You scowled at your friends, “I was trying to be polite to your mother.” 

“Oh hush Y/N.” Fred drawled, “She already loves you. Just wait, she’ll be trying to get you to marry into the family in no time, you don’t need to worry.” 

There was a small moment of fear at his seemingly offhand comment. Did he know about how you feel for George? You made eye contact with Fred and he gave you the smallest of nods. 

He knew. 

Fred released you and walked before you and George, loudly talking about how he’s finally going to teach you Quidditch and how it’s a bloody shame that he hasn’t yet. 

You let out a sigh of relief. It didn’t seem like Fred would blow your cover. 

George tightened his grip on your waist just a bit, his hand’s warmth seeping into your skin like time by the fire-- you sucked in a shaky breath and grinned up at him. You were a bit surprised by the look on his face. Like you’d never seen somebody look at you before. 

Very quickly he let go of you and you stared ahead with a nervous grin and a pink face. 

You knew George’s secret. 

You were also far too scared and surprised to do anything of use with that secret.

“C’mere, Y/N.” George patted the spot next to him on the couch and immediately you plopped yourself down, hooking your legs over his and grinning at him. You two had settled into a routine that had seemed to confuse everyone else. People were constantly asking if you two were finally dating and seemed bewildered when you both said no. It was amusing. 

Honestly? You could understand why they were wondering what was going on, but you’d become so comfortable you didn’t mind it. Would you like to be dating officially? Of course. Would you like to kiss him and public and do more than hold hands? Absolutely. 

But right now you felt a lot like you imagined your aunt’s cat did when he fell asleep on a tile floor lit up by a sunbeam. Just comfortable and happy enough to not feel the need to seek out something better even though you knew it existed. George’s arm wrapped around your shoulder and pulled you close as you rested a head on his collarbone. “There’s a Yule Ball coming up y’know.” your words are quiet as the rest of the common room comes to life as Fred and Lee recount some funny story you’ve already heard about a dozen time. 

George let out a small hum as he traced shapes onto your arm, “I heard a bit about that. You got a date?” 

“Besides you? No.” you grinned as he let out a chuckle. 

“Y/N, when’d you get so cheeky?” 

“Bloody hell.” You really can’t hep but swear. The twins had picked you up from Kings Cross this year instead of your parents and you were excited to spend a bit of time with them before headed back home.  It’d been months since you’d seen them after all. You walked around the interior of the shop that was set to open up the next day in awe. 

It was beautiful. Really, it was. 

You hadn’t quite thought whether a shop that sold the twin’s pranks could be lovely but here it was. In it’s bright colored glory as your shoe’s soles clacking on the hardwood floor provided the only sound as both twins waited eagerly for your response. “This is amazing.” There’s a laugh in your voice as you very gently-- you know the twins and are a bit concerned as to whether or not you’ll accidentally set something off by touching it-- pick up an object from a display. 

A glance at the label gives you the answer as to what it is. A love potion? How fitting. 

“This really is lovely you two.” you set it back on the shelf, and you see George sagging in relief as Fred lets out a long sigh. 

“You’re the first one to come see the shop, y’know.” 

“Well, Dad came to help us make sure we didn’t have to do repairs on it--” George started. 

“But it was empty back then, no one’s seen it since we filled it up and decorated...” Fred looked like he was about to double over in relief. “It’s good to hear that it looks nice.” 

You grinned at them, “You two open tomorrow right?” 

“Yeah.” George rubbed his temple, and for once he looked quite nervous. You hadn’t seen him like this before. 

“Would you like me to help out?” you hadn’t offered yet, but if you were going to be staying the week you might as well be earning your keep. “I’ll be here anyways! I can help restock and run the register.” 

Fred looks so grateful that he might sweep you off his feet, George actually does. With a squeal of laughter you wrap your arms around George’s neck, “You’re opening up the shop! You two did it!” 

“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone.” Fred says with a laugh before striding up the stairs to their flat. 

Your forehead is pressed into George’s cheek and you can’t help your giggles as he spins you around and around. He’s changed his cologne. “So where am I sleeping?” 

“Oh-- are we not going to be sleeping together?” He laughed as you smacked him upside the head. “Not to worry, my gentle lady, Fred and I got you a futon. You can use my restroom to get ready and shower in if you’d like.” 

“You guys went out and bought me a futon?” that was a surprise, you’d thought that you’d just be on the couch. He set you down very gently and rested his forehead against yours. You stared into his warm brown eyes and felt like you were drowning in a sea of warmth. 

George let out a hum of agreement, “Of course we did. You’re Y/N. I reckon you’ll be over here once a week. You can’t just sleep on the couch that much. It’ll kill your back.” 

“What makes you think I’ll be here so much.” 

“C’mon Y/N!” he walked away from you, arms outstretched with a laugh, “It’s me! You can’t stay away!” 

“I’m alright, Y/N.” George’s voice is weak, as you’re pacing around the living room. Things feel wrong. This is wrong. Everything is wrong. You’re only 19. George is only 19. 

There’s no way he could have almost died. That’s not possible-- this isn’t possible. 

And you feel, so incredibly selfish that you’re the one who needs panic right now when he’s the one who’s bandaged up on the couch. There’s a sense of loathing that you cannot shake that fills up your chest as you let out a sob-- “Y/N!” 

You jerk your head towards him and see George standing up, immediately you rush over and get him sitting back down on the couch, “You have to rest!” 

“I can’t rest with you panicking around the room like that.” he sighed when he saw your lip wobble and pulled you into his arms as he laid back down on the couch. His touch is quite like firewhisky. It burns but once it goes down you feel so much better. 

Your hands grip his shirt as tightly as you can. You’d never held him this tight before, and you wondered if you ever would again. Why were you so surprised? You were in the Order of the Phoenix after all. You were briefed on this mission. You’d known everything that could have gone wrong. 

But you’d done the same as the twins. You’d made jokes in the back. You’d chuckled over the thought of there being seven Harry’s. You’d made wagers on who’d be able to fly back fastest. 

Who had even won that? You’d been so panicked that you hadn’t paid attention. 

“You could have died.” your voice is quiet. There’s still people in the other room. Talking about the mission no doubt. Fred had helped clear everyone out so you two could have privacy. “You could have died.” 

Suddenly you and your friend’s mortality was becoming very apparent to you. Your swallow was audible as your tried to ease the tightness in your throat. You were scared. 

You weren’t used to being scared like this. 

Everything felt cold. 

Why had you waited so long to tell him how you felt? Because you’d had more time right? Or at least that’s what you’d believed. There was always supposed to be more time. You were only 19. 

“I love you.” your voice is weak, and you can’t make it any louder even though you’d like to. Hell, you’d shout it right now if that could make everything better. “I love you George.” 

You expected something. You weren’t sure what--

Well, actually you were sure. You were expecting him to say the same back to you, to hold you even closer and to smother you with kisses before he ran off to tell his brother Fred. 

That didn’t happen. You noticed with a note of cold blooded fear that his hand had stopped moving long ago. Like a bolt you straightened yourself up to look down at him, worried about the worst when you realized that he’d fallen asleep long ago. You slumped, your forehead pressed against his chest for a moment before you swung your legs over his until you were off of the couch and standing in front of it. 

You didn’t even hear Fred come in. “Finally said it, eh?” he had a sad smile on his face, “If I’d known all it would have taken was Georgie almost gettin’ killed to make you admit it I’d have blown off his ears years ago, Y/N.” 

“Don’t tease me.” your voice is hoarse, you know Fred. You know he does this when he’s scared, but you’re scared too dammit. 

His mouth becomes a straight line as he looks at you. You’re covered with George’s blood-- not surprising seeing as you’d cuddled with the absolute mess of a twin he had. “Just trying to ease the tension.” Finally he took pity on you and opened his arms up for a hug which you willingly took. You held him just as tight as you’d held George, and Fred held you so tight that you were worried about your arms losing blood supply. “He’s okay.” 

You got the sense he was speaking more to himself than you. “What’s going to happen, Fred?” 

What were you hoping for him to say? To tell the truth or to lie to you? 

You didn’t know what you’d do without George, and you knew that Fred didn’t know either. 

“We’ll be okay. The war will end, we’ll all be okay, and you and Georgie will be giant prats in love.” he thought for a moment before speaking in a more lighthearted tone, “And now with the one ear there’ll be no more debate on who’s the more handsome twin.” 

“No you’re right. It’s still him.” you laughed as Fred dramatically pushed you away from him, looking scandalized to his very core. 

“Go shower woman-- you look worse than Georgie does.” 

Fred was gone. That thought didn’t make sense. You sat on George’s bed after the funeral-- rather uncomfortable in your black robes as George paced the room. 

It was silent. 

You’d been to the Burrow hundreds of times it felt like and it had always been a hub of warmth and light. This noisy crowded place that made you feel like you were home even though you were miles and miles away from your nearest family. 

But it was quiet. 

If you strained your ears you could almost hear someone crying but you weren’t sure if that was real or your mind making up some noise to break up the silence. 

Even George’s shoes didn’t seem to be making noise. 

“What do we do?” 

You couldn’t even recognize George’s words as words for a long thirty seconds before you finally looked at him stunned and speechless. You’d cried so much at the funeral that your throat was dry and scratchy. You didn’t think you could cry anymore even if you wanted to. Mutely you shook your head, you didn’t know. You had no idea. 

There were no words for him. 

What could you say to him? That things would be okay? That everything was going to be fine even though someone who he’d known for every second of his life had gone away? 

Were you supposed to tell him this was part of a plan? 

That there was a reason to this? 

You needed to say something, but you couldn’t make yourself speak. You wanted to tell him that you loved him and that you would help him through this. Your vocal chords seemed to have stopped working though and your mouth moved without sound. 

George looked at you expectantly, almost as if your words could bring back Fred. 

But you couldn’t bring back Fred. 

You couldn’t fix things. 

You were a mortal woman, with your own failings. You were not the perfect being he hoped you would be for him. 

Silently you held open your arms, shifting so that he could lie down next to you in the bed with his ear on your collarbone-- able to listen to your heart. Something to fill in the silence. 

He held you tight, and his weight was a welcome presence. He was there. He was there and he was alive. 

You choked on a sob, wondering how terrible of a person you could be to be grateful that it wasn’t him who died. Fred had been like a brother. Your hand threaded through George’s hair as you held him as close to you as humanly possible. It seemed that you’d set off a chain reaction of noise because soon enough George was sobbing and down the hall in another bedroom you heard a wail that could only have come from Mrs. Weasley. The rattling sob that pierced that sound had to have been her husband. 

Percy’s voice drifted through the wall as he raved to Charlie wondering what could have gone different to fix this. 

You could almost hear Charlie telling Percy that there wasn’t anything he could have done. 

Someone was speaking French. You reckoned Fluer was comforting Bill. 

There was silence from Ron and Ginny but you reckoned that they were sitting with Hermione and Harry in the quiet as this whole thing set in. 

You felt George gripping you so tight it hurt as he tried to speak and failed, it all just coming out a garbled mess of sobs that shook you to your very core. 

Fred was gone. 

Fred was gone. 

Fred was gone. 

[mermaid-turtlesss]

8-21-19/1:33 pm

wow. hey secret tumblr. i finally got access to my tumblr account after being locked out for about a year. so its been about 4.5 years... a lot has changed. me and him broke up on 4-22-17 and i’ve learned so much. I've grown a lot. i honestly never thought we would break up but yeah distance was not easy. funny enough, i had a dream about him last night and it was really weird. he gave me a gift with so many random things in it like jackets and i forgot what else. we were hugging and catching up and i can't remember any more details. we have each other on IG and i know he has a girlfriend at the moment. his mom and brother still talk to me all the time. i actually saw his brother 2 weeks ago and hanging out with him is so chill. i don't know if i miss him or if i just miss being in love. i was really innocent and truly in love a few years ago. love made everything feel okay. but now I've learned how to be independent and grow up. I've made mistakes and grown from them. i haven't met someone that makes me feel the way he did but thats okay. i know it'll happen again when i least expect it, or at least thats what i keep telling myself. maybe this is just my time to be on my own and figure out who i am and what i want to do. the best thing thats happened to me is benji. i got my baby benji on 10-31-16 and he's helped me through so much. i graduated college. i quit my job. i moved to brickell with karan and benji. i started hobbies that make me happy again like working out (spinning, kickboxing, yoga), meditating, reading, and journaling. i’m really trying my hardest to work on myself and make things feel normal. I'm about to start applying to jobs in my area so hopefully that works out. I'm glad i gained access to this account again. I'm excited to see what growth and progress i make in the next few years. i skimmed over my old posts and i was such a little cheeseball lol i was so corny. i think that hopeless romantic is still in me but wow i can't believe the way i used to be. i feel like I've changed so much, I'm much more guarded now (which is probably a good thing). life is crazy and I'm finally just learning to appreciate all the small but important moments of it.

[originalmemorieshere]

Major Turning Points for Me

Major Turning Points for Me There are so many points in our life that really are monumental - even if we don’t recognize it at the time. When was that pivotal point in your life when you began to gain weight (if you are overweight)?   When I was a little girl I was so thin that everyone called me Boney Maroney. Yep- that was my nickname. That and Not Quite. There was a song called Boney Maroney about a girl as skinny as a piece of macaroni - that was me. My brother Del used to pronounce my name as Sure. My dad said I wasn’t big enough to be sure of anything, so they started out calling me Not Quite Sure and it evolved to Not Quite because I was so petite and skinny. My first major food problem developed when I was seven. My dad had married a woman with four kids and he had five- so there were nine of us kids. Now, I have to say that we never were starved and my parents did the best they could. But, there was never enough food. I remember sneaking into the kitchen to make a Miracle Whip sandwich when I was seven or eight because I was so hungry. When we lived on the farm we had fresh vegetables or home canned vegetables with the meal. But- that was just a year or two. After that- no. What we did eat was not healthy. Our regular dinner would be macaroni and cheese, fried potatoes, and corn. Another dinner would be macaroni and cheese, pork’n beans, and a peanut butter sandwich. Until I was an adult, I thought macaroni and cheese was the meat of the meal.  We were taught to clean our plates. Period. I can remember having the feeling that if I ate fast enough I could possibly get seconds. That was always my goal- get seconds. Then, while clearing the table, I would eat the food off other plates - any scraps, just to fill up. When I look back at pictures of us as kids, we were a skinny crowd. Every single one of us grew up to be good sized adults. Some heavier than others. But, not one thin one in the group. I remember gathering pop bottles along the road to trade in for two or three cents each. We would search the ditches and yell out with excitement over every one. Then- it was off to the store to buy candy.  Mmmmm chocolate. I remember going into the store with the bottles loading down our arms, smiles on our faces, and excitement in the air over such a thing. Sometimes we would make that trek twice in one day to get something sweet.  I was seven and eight at the time. Fast forward to ten years later and I got married and developed my second major food problem. I was used to cooking for nine or ten people on a daily basis. I didn’t scale down the recipes by much and my x and I ate large meals. Nothing or no one could limit how much I ate. The pounds began to pile on. I would eat a whole Ritz Chocolate Ice Cream Pie in two days because I could. We also ate lots of pot pies and rice because we didn’t have a lot of money. More macaroni and cheese, but this time with hamburger patties on the side. I ate very little green vegetables. Mostly starches. And the pattern continued.  I was up to 195 lbs when I had my son. I got down to 165 and then back up to 209 when I had my daughter. I left the hospital weighing the same as when I went in. From that point forth I have been over 200 lbs, with an exception of once when I got down to 195 a year later. I was over 308 pounds just a couple years ago. The changes I am going to embark on are for me. I can see that the unhealthy way I used to eat was hurting me. I now feel guilt over the way my kids grew up eating. If it could be fried, I did it. There was gravy at almost every meal. Big thick chunks of beef or pork. I was showing them my love- food. I didn’t want them to ever go to bed thinking about food like I did.  Isn’t it funny how we do damage to others when we don’t even realize it? If you had seen me just weeks ago, you would have seen despair, depression, and an overall lack of confidence in myself. I was tired of being so big, tired of hurting in places that shouldn’t hurt at my age, tired of acid reflux every night, and tired of looking like hell. I knew that I was ready for a change. Having been so tired that I wanted to change was nothing new. I’d done it a million times. And, each failure was that much more depressing. You know- I’m a good person, I have a good heart, and I am nice to people - overall. On the inside I am not FAT- I am just ME. But, I felt I wasn’t given a chance by a lot of folks because they saw me as FAT. FAT defined me- wrapped up my whole personality and being. And FAT has so many bad connotations. I must be lazy, slovenly, greedy, have no self-control, and I mustn’t want to change. At the time, all of that offended me. Now, I hate to admit it- but some of it is true. I am very physically lazy since I have had my hip injury, I do eat way too many calories, and I have no self-control. I’ve been dieting long enough so that I know there is no miracle weight loss cure without undergoing the knife. To do it on my own is hard. Very hard sometimes, but other times it is second nature. I try not to think of it as a diet, but rather a new way of living and eating. It’s funny that although I’m sure that a lot of the people around me on a daily or regular basis are probably tired of hearing me talk about my diet and my frustrations, successes, and progress. But, to me it is a very important part of who I am right now. I’m not the same me I was even the last time I dieted. I am the “new and improved” me. (Although, I never understood that saying. Something can be new or you can improve on something already existing.) With me- I am always harping on about something. Sometimes it is a spur of the moment thing and sometimes it is the long range thing. But, I am never at a lack of words. Some people have said that I get a little too personal on here, but that is what this is for me. Most people reading this do not know me and never will. With the anonymity of the blog I have the freedom to really express myself. The few people reading this who already know me know that just about anything is likely to come out of my mouth. If I think it- I say it. I feel like by letting some of the thoughts I have about this whole dieting process out and by putting it into words, it may inspire someone else to either discuss their diets with me, give someone hope that if I can do this- then they can, or it can even be a source of amusement sometimes. And, it gives me a written journal of my struggles and triumphs during this time. If it sounds selfish, so be it. I do want to look good. I know that at my age I am not going to turn heads, but I would like to at least be considered. I have read that within 3 seconds of looking at a female, a male divides them into two categories. Either they would or would not. Period. I do want to feel like someone would think I could be an option even though I am not looking for anyone.  Is that wrong? If so, oh well. It is the truth. I think we all want a little attention. I want to feel good. I can remember feeling so good around ten years ago when I was 90 lbs. less that I am now. It was nice to sleep all night without pain. I could bend, stretch, move, and didn’t have anything but my plantar’s faciitis and my back hurt some from the wreck. Overall, I felt good. I was walking 4.5 miles in less than an hour, I could ride the bike in the evening for 9-11 miles, and still have energy at the end of the day. Do I believe that I can do it this time? Yes. I have done it before. Do I believe that I can stick with it? If I stay with the plan and do what I NEED to do, I can do anything. But, I am scared. I really am scared. We all deserve a second chance. I know- second chance? Anything after the first time is my second chance. I can have as many second chances as it takes. All my previous second chances are gone- poof- smoke in the air and gone. This second chance will be the one. Some of the things smaller people don’t think about and do as routine are next to impossible for me. I act like I don’t like pierced earrings and wear only clip ons. Wanna know why? My earlobes are too fat for posts. The backs come off since I cannot put them on too tightly or my ears are pinched and hurt when I do. I want to go in a store and buy a pretty pair of post earrings and wear them. I also want to cross my legs at the knees. I can take an ankle and throw it across my other knee, a wee bit manly and all- but no way can I cross my legs like most women. My stomach and legs are too large to allow it. I know. I know. It is not good for women to cross their legs, but I want to do it. If the world was divided into three groups- skinny, normal, and fat, I would love to be in the normal group. Oh yeah, I am not as fat as some people out there, but they are the people that the Discovery Channel makes shows about. I want to walk onto a plane without seeing fear in everyone’s eyes. I can read their minds. “Please don’t let the fat woman sit by me. She’ll take more than her share of space and I will be squished.” They avoid looking directly at me, some may throw their coats on the seat next to them as though the seat is taken. Others may start a death rattle cough, trying to keep me from wanting to sit by them. I want to sit in any seat and feel comfortable. And, when the flight attendant asks if I want a snack, I won’t have people eyeballing me to see how many bags of peanuts they think I will snarf down. It would be great to great to go a restaurant and be seated anywhere without worry. I worry if the chairs will hold me. I did break one once and I’ll never forget that. I want to be able to sit in a booth without my body being cut in half by the table, with my breasts shoved up into my chin. And, I don’t want to be paranoid- thinking others may be watching the porker go facedown into the trough. If you don’t have a weight problem, I am sure there are other things you worry about. I know I am not the only overweight person out here who feels that I am judged on my weight. The best part about the weight loss is that I will be able to do more things with my grandkids and family.