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whatshehassaid · 6 years ago

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I usually don’t rant on here too much because - let’s be real - who cares? But I’m honestly so emotionally and physically exhausted at this point. It’s been a long ten fucking years with what feels like one horrible thing after the other. For ten years. I seriously can’t catch a break.

Rant continues below because I don’t want to clog any of your feeds, but I really just need to scream out into the universe right now.

I’m not even exaggerating. One thing after the other after the other after the other. On and on and on. Honestly, right before I graduated high school (this was like almost ten years ago - technically 8 - now which, wow? Okay. I’ll be 30 in like 4 years? When the hell did that happen?) I develop a damn invisible illness at 18 and it throws every single plan I have out of traction. I honestly was a super organized teenager, I had everything planned out. I wanted to go to school and get a BA in art history and do something with graphic design... That went straight out the window (which pisses me off incredibly to this day). Of course, I had my issues before this, mostly depression, a extreme anxiety disorder (which has gotten worse, by the way, thanks Crohn’s). In and out of jobs, having employers look down on me for stupid bullshit, going on medical leave twice, getting fired once (believe me, don’t get me started on that one). Developing Fibromyalgia, hundreds of hospital stays and doctors visits and on and on and on and on. Having doctors try to speak down to me like I wasn’t the one actually experiencing the severe pain I was going through.

I honestly had a doctor refuse to fill out disability papers because as he said, “All my other patients are fine.” Yeah, okay, good job... couple years earlier he was saying I was the worst case he’d ever seen. Awful doctors, some good, most DREADFUL. Procedures, blood work, 20 different medications, some oral, some IV infusions, some self injected.... Steroids (ooof). Extreme weight loss, extreme weight gain... Extreme and utter exhaustion. When I did feel alright, there’s not enough energy for fun things... no money for fun things. Two years fighting the government for the right to disability payments with no lawyer ‘cause I couldn’t afford one. Stress, stress, stress...

Depression and anxiety escalates. Physical pain escalates. Stress escalates. A never ending cycle. Feeling like I’m going through seven layers of hell. Dante would be intrigued.

Of course I have friends, family.. they’re great, don’t get me wrong. I love them all. I had a guy I could confide in... that went to hell quite quickly. Broken hearts added to the list. Honestly just wanted someone I could feel safe with in that way you do with a soulmate.. distract me and make me feel safe, but apparently I can’t even have that. Not that I didn’t try, ‘cause I did... but that has yet to happen. This is why we can’t have nice things, darling.

Grandmother dies... first time I ever had to go to a funeral. She died in the middle of the night. My biggest trigger of all time. Had to see a dead body for the first time in my life and it scarred me and I developed an even worse anxiety disorder - if that’s even possible. Panic attacks, physical pain, mental pain, exhaustion, insomnia, heartbreak and on and on and on and on............

Thought I had a moment of happiness for a second there... then all hell broke loose. In and out of hospitals again. In and out of doctors offices again. Back on more medication.... month long hospital stays surrounded by death. Anxiety attacks on hospital gurneys... back of ambulances... Emergency surgery, ruin any sliver left of self confidence I even had. Yay, now I have emotional and physical scars.

If you’ve even made it this far, I applaud you. I don’t even know how I even did it. I had no choice but to. I’m a pathetic mess by the end of it, but I’ve made it this far.....

Thing is people have it so much worse than me. I wish I could help. I feel useless, honestly. None of the things I’ve planned have ever happened - which, really, is not surprising. I think I deserve some happiness after all these years. It would be nice, but hope for a girl like me is..... I tend to spiral into it very quickly. I’m a very emotional and illogical person sometimes.

All I really want is love, safety, a couple cats... maybe eventually a baby. I never speak about that... but... I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought about it. I want adventures, drinking wine and eating pizza while binge watching whatever show (reruns of Hannibal? - by the way... I’m still hoping it comes back), dancing in the kitchen... sigh. Forehead kisses... fantasy. Anyway. Moving on.

End of rant... I don’t think I can divulge anymore or I might get really emotional..

Just know, all of my followers and my mutuals - I love every single one of you. All the people that message me and say sweet things, it’s very appreciated. Also, if you guys need someone to rant to - I’m here for you. I want to help if it’s possible.

Love ya xx

#long post #rant #depression #anxiety #sigh sigh sigh #emotional overloaaaaaaad

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insidesabreensmind · 7 years ago

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Why “Reflection” is My Body Dysmorphia Disorder Anthem

When I was a child, my favorite Disney movie was Mulan. From the story of a young woman saving her country, the breaking of gender roles, showcasing how beautiful Chinese culture is and of course, Mushu the Dragon (it’s Eddie Murphy, duh) there’s countless reasons to list how Disney got it right. Besides the imagery and messages in Mulan, the soundtrack is equally important and tackles subject matter that everyone can relate to or can identify in present society (ex. expected roles women and men should uphold, milleninals being pressured by family to live in certain means). As I further venture into my adulthood, I sometimes revisit things from my youth and draw connections between how I percieved things then and compare them to my perspective of things now. The lead song in the movie is “Reflection” sung by Lea Salonga and Christina Aguilera ft. Jerry Goldsmith on the movie soundtrack. We first hear this song after Mulan returns home from her unsuccessful attempt of being a perfect bride in front of the matchmaker. In the song, she’s reflecting on how she views herself versus how everyone else sees her and thinks she should be. I watched Mulan about two weeks ago, on a random “what’s on Netflix” type of night and when the song began I instantly joined Mulan in a sing-a-long and belted out the lyrics. When it got to the chorus, I kept reciting the lyrics but my voice dropped a few octaves. I realized the lyrics meant more to me than just a nostalgic Disney bop and immediately “same, sis” spewed out of my mouth. As a young woman dealing with self-diagnosed Body Dysmorphia Disorder (BDD) the lyrics resonated in a way, i’ve never thought of before. I’ve suffered with weight issues since I was about 9 years old, resulting from a blood disease that lead me being placed on steroids and gaining a lot of weight due to the medicine and to cope with sadness of gaining weight, I developed a food dependency. According to Anxiety and Depression Association of America, Body Dysmorphia Disorder is when an individual harbors on real or perceived flaws for long periods of time each day. Resulting in constant negative thoughts about personal appearance, emotional distress and withdrawing themselves from social settings due to others seeing their flaws likewise. Although, i’ve shed a lot of weight since my childhood and try actively being aware of my moods to avoid binge eating, occasionally I still linger in the mirror too long and the process of overanalyzing every facial feature and inch of body fat consumes my thoughts. It’s like i know what I look like but, still the reflection in the mirror is the exact opposite of what I should see. In the song, Mulan keeps asking “Who is that girl I see staring straight back at me?” and that’s a perfect comparison of how puzzled I am, when I’m looking at myself and the reflection is someone 25 pounds heavy and as the emotional distress kicks in 25 turns into 50 and 50 turns into 100 pounds. It’s a daily struggle but at least I’m aware of my disorder and try my best to function regularly. Before writing this entry, I went on youtube to hear the song one more time and wandered into the comment section. I began reading the comments and with glee, saw stories of people reminiscing on their childhood and, also connecting it to their current struggles. There was a transwoman commenting on how the song summed up her experience of conflicting thoughts on her gender/sexuality, a couple of gay and lesbian (wo)men saying that the song helped them appreciate their sexuality and etc. Even though, I didn’t see anyone mentioning BDD I was still happy that this song had a deeper meaning to people in marginalized communities and has helped many overcome their daily obstacles. Yes, I know a Disney song won’t cure me of my disorder and yes, I know those LGBTQ+ folk may still face bigotry and internal mental struggles but the bonding in the comment section gave me reassurance. And a spoonful of reassurance never hurt nobody. Hopefully, I can have my pre-expected Disney ending like Mulan and find pure happiness after overcoming my challenges too. Until then, i’ll keep singing along to “Reflection” on my worst of days and strive for 100% self-love and acceptance.

#mental health #mental disorder #mulan #blog #self love #body positive #body dysmorphic disorder #body dysmorphia

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finallyrestrictionfree · 4 years ago

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After 8 years of bulimia, anorexia, orthorexia I finally decided to let go.

It all started at the age of 15 when I started modelling. I was naturally lean and had never to look at what I ate. I felt confident in my body and loved the attention I would get from the outside world.

Over the next year I moved to my fathers house in the country side where I was less active and my body changed. I became a little more curvy but I was still skinny.

After that I decided to start dieting and quickly my body went back to its previous state. But after that I felt so powerful that I kept restricting. I felt in control I felt beautiful.

I was suffering from anorexia but I though I was just being healthy.I remember trying to go entire days with out food or only eating pineapple or watermelon for days.

After a year and a very traumatic breakup I started to experience binges. extreme hunger. I wasn't purging at that time but because I was restricting so much I didn’t gain any weight.

Around that time I got hired by a modelling agency in London and moved there. My eating disorder made me feel so isolated, that I did’t make any friends. And loneliness make my binges go out of control. I remember eating until I felt so sick that I could barely move. I started purging, through vomiting and overexercising. My agency told me I had to loose some inches and I remember going in to Five guys and eating until I couldn't move. I ate all the forbidden foods. Ben’s cookies was my go to binge.

I would have around 5 to 7 castings every day around the entire city so every time I could I would walk to compensate. I’m talking about walking fo 7 to 8 hours everyday.

My weight gain started to become more obvious and I turned to laxatives. I Would binge on whatever I could find and take an entire packet of laxatives.

I was staying at a model apartment and my anxiety for binges would be so bad that I would steal other peoples food. Eating everything I could find no matter how it tasted.

I spend all my money in food. I would eat absolutely everything and then purge.

Nobody wanted to book me anymore because I was very bloated from so much binging and purging. I was thought I was horrendous. And the rejection didn't only come from myself, I felt it at work as well.

I remember this particular casting where as I was changing back to my clothes I heard them talking about how the industry was trying to hire bigger girls but that it was not working. They said I was fat in my face.

After that I walked home which took about 3hours and stopped at every fast food restaurant I could find to eat and then vomit in their bathrooms.

I was out of control. I tried to ask for help but my sister had suffered from bulimia and I didn’t want to tell my parents I was going through the same thing. I couldn't make them suffer anymore that I had already through teenage years filled with depression and suicidal acts. Not only that but I wouldn't admit to myself that I had an eating disorder.

it has taken me 6 years after that to finally recognise it.

My mother came to the rescue. She flew to London and she tried to help me the best way she knew. But because I never opened up to her she just dint understand what was going on.

My anxiety was so bad that we packed our bags and I moved back to Spain. Completely lost, my binges kept happening. I would bake banana bread and eat the entire loaf. I tried to eat healthy. but I couldn't stop binging.

A few months after that my mother invited my to India. I had never felt as free as I did there. For the first time in my life no one cared about the way I looked. No one cared if I was skinny or fat.

I felt so free that when somebody offered me a job I decided to stay. The decision was going to be incredibly hurtful for my family specially my mother. But this was the first time of my life that I felt truly like myself.

My eating disorder disappeared I ate with out guilt for the first time. I remember feeling free of all restrictions for the first time in years. My binges disappeared and my weight went back to normal. I was skinny with out restricting! I even stoped caring about the way my body looked!

It was one of the best years of my life. But my income was incredibly low because I was working in a surf school and I felt very dependent on the people I had around me. So as soon as I got an offer to start modelling again in India I accepted.

at the beginning it was going well, but I had to fly to spain to change my visa from tourist visa to working visa.

On that trip I lost my passport and got stuck in Spain, I felt so miserable that my binges started again. I would lock myself in my room and eat until I felt sick. Waking up to empty boxes of cereal, cookies and anything I could find. I started purging again.

Once I managed to get my visa and flew back to Bombay I had gained a lot of weight so modelling became incredibly stressful.

I would not eat for a day and then binge all night. This is the time where my eating disorder was at its worst state.

I remember being on a trip with friends and hiding to binge because my anxiety to eat was so bad.

Through out all of this I never told anybody what was happening with me, they all though I was just depressed when in reality I was complete out of control. Once again spending all my money in food and vomiting or taking laxatives.

At some point I broke down and I wanted to come back to spain and seek help but instead I went to the Himalayas and worked in the farm of an Ashram for fa few months. During that time although my binges where still present I stoped purging. I was the biggest I had ever been but I was happy. I did a two week silent retreat in which I decided that I would never model again.

I still didn't admit to myself that I had an eating disorder.

Through this entire process yoga had been an incredibly big part of my life and the only thing keeping me sane to I decided to take a teacher training.

Although still binging I felt happy.

Once I finished my family picked me up. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. But I hated my body so much that I wouldn't allow them to take pictures of me.

We all flew back to spain. I was so exited about life and my new career teaching yoga.

Around the first week I was back I fell in love. Life was so exiting that my eating disorder disappeared, my weight went back to normal and once again I was eating what ever I wanted and was lean. No restrictions needed.

I felt confident in my body and completely free around food. Once again I loved the attention I was getting by everyone around me.

It lasted one year and a half. that relationship ended and after a few months a new one started.

My eating disorder was still in remission.

But a few months after a really stressful situation where I owed money triggered a binge and consequently a purge.

After that I was so scared of gaining weight that I started restricting my food intake again. That only resulted in more binging. I was once again out of control. I gained a lot of weight.

The issue this time is that my body responded differently this time. I had an Arthritis attack through my entire body.

As the Arthritis got worse, my anxiety would go up, my binges would go up and so did the purging. I was out of control. And even tho I had my boyfriend around me I felt completely isolated because I never told anybody what what happening to me.

Everyone thought that I was depressed because the arthritis wouldn't allow me to lead a normal life. Which was true, but the real issue was my insatiable hunger and crazy binges.

I was on a sick leave for 8 months. My arthritis never got better even tho I was taking incredibly strong medication. Imunosupressers and steroids. So not only was I bigger because of the binging but the medication made me more swollen as well.

Then quarantine happened. I was surrounded by my family and decided to start a non inflammatory diet to help fix my arthritis.

it worked. Because I was around people all day I didn't binge anymore and the diet worked. My arthritis went in to remission. I was not starving I was eating the right amount of food and my body went back to its natural state.

After quarantine I felt amazing I was able to put weight back in to my hands and I felt so confident in my body. I lived with my boyfriend for a few months and cooking for him and eating with him helped me not go back to destructive behaviours.

But in September 2020 we broke up. I was devastated and I went on a Holliday where I ate a lot. I dint gain much weight but the fear of losing the physique that I had at the moment made me go back to restriction once I got back home.

I never had breakfast and I wouldn't eat past 18 pm. Trying not to have snacks. Once again as my life was crumbling down controlling food gave me a sense of control over life.

Fruit was been forbidden since September, the only fruits I’ve been eating in special occasions are apples. and ‘ve been feeling incredibly guilty for doing so.

isn’t it hilarious? feeling guilty for eating an apple?

i’m not going to go in to detail about the specific food rules because writing about it makes me feel stupid

But that didn't last long I started binging.

Never like I had in the past. Not crazy binges like before where I would eat until I felt sick. But I was still binging and purging.

Around the same time because the current pandemic didn't allow me to teach as much as I used to I felt strong enough to start modelling again.

And boy I was wrong. The first few jobs were amazing, because I was feeling good in my skin but as soon as the binges started and I gained some weight the week before job my anxiety would spike and I would start extreme dieting to get ‘’ ready ‘’.

Around November 2020 I broke down and I finally acknowledged that I had an eating disorder. I the people who are closet to me and my father. And although this was a big step for me I wasn't completely honest I wasn't ready to tell them or tell myself the entire truth.

I started my recovery Journey, or so I though. I was trying to eat more but was still writing down every single thing I ate, still avoiding fruits, still having dinner before 18pm....

And still binging. Very mild binging but still doing it.

Friday I broke down because I knew I had 7 days to get in to shape for my next job. I was already feeling the rejection I would get as soon as I got there by the clients, agency... I was feeling inadequate ugly. That same day I got an arthritis attack.

It is at that moment where I decided to quit modelling for good. Not only that but I decided to let go of all food restrictions. Eating breakfast, lunch and dinner every day and eating what ever my body craves, healthy or unhealthy.

Because I've been restricting so much since September I don't know what it is to eat normal anymore. I don't know if I'm really hungry or its my mind craving forbidden foods. My metabolism has slowed so much that what ever I eat will probably make my gain weight.

I am letting fo go all restrictions. I trust my body in slowly letting me know what it needs or doesn't. I know it will take time and I know I will gain weight which is incredibly scary for me. When i’m not comfortable in my body my entire world crushes down. But I am ready to let go. I am ready to start living. I’m ready to shut up that voice in my head that was been controlling the past 7 years of my life.

If I crave sweets I will eat them, if I crave carbs I will eat them until my body understands its not starving anymore and stops asking for food 24/7.

I know with time my body will let go of the weight as its done all other times before. It might take time but I trust my body.

I am ready to let go, what ever it takes.

I am ready to heal, even if it means a few months of not liking my body, I am ready to heal now, to live a life free from eating disorders.

#ed recovery #ed #recovery #RESTRICTIONFREE #mentalhealth

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lleeiikkaa-blog · 6 years ago

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Obesity, What About It?

OBESITY?

It is the condition of being grossly fat or overweight. It means that you have too much fat in your body that can have a negative effect on some of your body systems. People who are overweight or obese have a much greater risk of developing serious conditions.

WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME OBESE?

Genetics. Obesity tends to run in families. Genes passed down through family members may have some impact on how we regulate our body weight.

Aging. As people get older, the body cannot burn energy as quickly, and do not need as many calories to maintain weight. This is why people who eat the same way and do the same activities as they did when they were 20 find that they gain weight at 40.

Gender. Men burn more energy at rest than women do, so men need more calories to maintain their body weight. Women usually gain weight after menopause because their ability to burn energy decreases even more.

Environment and eating habits. Fast-food restaurants and high-fat, high-sugar junk foods have become a main part of the American diet.

Lack of physical activity. People who eat a lot but do not exercise are more likely to be obese.

Pregnancy. Although most women only weigh a few pounds more a year after giving birth, 15% of pregnant women add 20 pounds with each pregnancy.

Childhood obesity. Children who are obese are more likely to be obese as adults. Researchers believe that the fat cells we gain as children stay with us as adults. Obese children may have 5 times more fat cells than children of normal weight. Dieting in adulthood will decrease the fat-cell size but not the actual number of fat cells.

Illness. Some illnesses can cause obesity. These include hormone problems such as an underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism), depression, and some rare diseases of the brain.

Medicines. Steroids and some antidepressants may cause weight gain.

Eating disorders. Binge eating and night-eating disorders account for as many as 10% to 20% of people who seek treatment for obesity.

COMPLICATIONS

If you're obese, you're more likely to develop a number of potentially serious health problems, including:

High triglycerides and low high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol

Type 2 diabetes

High blood pressure

Metabolic syndrome — a combination of high blood sugar, high blood pressure, high triglycerides and low HDL cholesterol

Heart disease

Stroke

Cancer, including cancer of the uterus, cervix, endometrium, ovaries, breast, colon, rectum, esophagus, liver, gallbladder, pancreas, kidney and prostate

Breathing disorders, including sleep apnea, a potentially serious sleep disorder in which breathing repeatedly stops and starts

Gallbladder disease

Gynecological problems, such as infertility and irregular periods

Erectile dysfunction and sexual health issues

Nonalcoholic fatty liver disease, a condition in which fat builds up in the liver and can cause inflammation or scarring

Osteoarthritis

Quality of life

When you're obese, your overall quality of life may be diminished. You may not be able to do things you used to do, such as participating in enjoyable activities. You may avoid public places. Obese people may even encounter discrimination.

Other weight-related issues that may affect your quality of life include:

Depression

Disability

Sexual problems

Shame and guilt

Social isolation

Lower work achievement

PREVENTION

Whether you're at risk of becoming obese, currently overweight or at a healthy weight, you can take steps to prevent unhealthy weight gain and related health problems.

Exercise regularly. You need to get 150 to 300 minutes of moderate-intensity activity a week to prevent weight gain. Moderately intense physical activities include fast walking and swimming.

Follow a healthy eating plan. Focus on low-calorie, nutrient-dense foods, such as fruits, vegetables and whole grains. Avoid saturated fat and limit sweets and alcohol. Eat three regular meals a day with limited snacking. You can still enjoy small amounts of high-fat, high-calorie foods as an infrequent treat. Just be sure to choose foods that promote a healthy weight and good health most of the time.

Know and avoid the food traps that cause you to eat. Identify situations that trigger out-of-control eating. Try keeping a journal and write down what you eat, how much you eat, when you eat, how you're feeling and how hungry you are. After a while, you should see patterns emerge. You can plan ahead and develop strategies for handling these types of situations and stay in control of your eating behaviors.

Monitor your weight regularly. People who weigh themselves at least once a week are more successful in keeping off excess pounds. Monitoring your weight can tell you whether your efforts are working and can help you detect small weight gains before they become big problems.

Be consistent. Sticking to your healthy-weight plan during the week, on the weekends, and amidst vacation and holidays as much as possible increases your chances of long-term success.

The number of people becoming obese is increasing due to the fact that eating has become their natural habit. Because of some millennials’ so called motto, “Food is life” they tend to eat more than the usual serving. Yes, food is life but too much food without proper exercise makes you obese and being obese can make your life shorter. So if you want to live a healthier lifestyle start leading your life to it by starting on the food you consume every day!

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