#it’s just very funny to me that the women of their family were independent and working ladies

[alphacrone]

apparently my aunt is upset her daughter (mid-30s) doesn’t seem like she’ll get married any time soon and when my mother told me that i laughed so hard bc like. me and our other cousin (late-30s) aren’t married and clearly have no interest in it and are thriving in our careers. the only cousin from this side of the family who’s married is—you guessed it—the only male cousin.

[ivygrowsc]

America Ferrera's breakthrough career

I just want to point out that this woman has delivered 2 cinematic, historical, browsing, impeccable speeches about the frustrations I feel about being a woman. And that actress of course is the one and only America Ferrera herself. Let's talk about her debut role in the movie — Real Women Have Curves. The 2002 independent film based on the play by Josefina Lopez is one of my all-time favourite movies I have watched in my lifetime. And if you somehow know this movie through another suspicious Greta Gerwig connection, I implore you to watch this. The movie was directed by Patricia Cardoso. At the time when it was released, America Ferrera had already filmed another movie but this movie debuted first putting her on the map. She was only 17 years old! Josefina López wrote the play when she was 18 years old. In 2019 it was the first Latina directed film to be included in the National Film Registry at the library of Congress. Taking inspiration from her real life, Josefina wrote Real Women Have Curves about Ana, mostly centered on her relationship with her mother Carmen, played by Lupe Ontiveros. This movie is touted, not only for its representation of women in their real bodies, it also delivered a warm and loving portrayal of Latina families and neighborhoods in Royal Heights and East Los Angeles. Again this isn't a time where Latinas, even today, are represented in a full and nuancent light. So to not only have this Latina family but to have them placed in East Los Angeles which has been criminally and stereotypically portrayed as "dangerous", really meant something and still means something today. And the message of that film being "there's so much more to me than my weight". I think this might serve as a comfort watch for many women around the world.

I don't understand how we were made to believe as children, that America Ferrera was the biggest woman to ever grace our tv screen. The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants is what I call perfection in cinema. If I ever will have a daughter in the future, she is required to watch this movie. Because every little girl needs to understand what sisterhood and what community is. I feel like girls today are not watching sisterhood displayed on television, or even in movies. It's always these toxic relationship, these toxic friendship — not to say that neither of those can't be toxic and bad, because even within this friend group they all have their own issues with each other, with their families etc. But it's not about the problems, it's how they solve them, how they come together. And I feel like this message should be displayed for the young girls today. And I just love how diverse the friend group is, because nowadays it seems like every teenager I see on tv are like the same skinny, white blondes. If you haven't seen this movie make sure to have a box of tissues nearby because it's going to make you cry.

The dark side of pretty privilige is, you don't get to be funny, intelligent, respected — you just get to be pretty. So I've just finished watching Ugly Betty, I fully recommend, and I realised the only female character who's actually respected within this show, is Betty. If you don't already know the concept, Betty gets hired to be the assistant to the chief. Because he sleeps with his assistants, they decide to get him an "ugly" girl so he won't sleep with her. But she's hired for Mode, which is kind of like Vogue/Cosmo type of magazine. So naturally she gets bullied. They treat her like crap because she doesn't look like the ideal Mode girl. But the crazy thing is, since none of the men want to sleep with her, they actually respect her. They start to treat her like a human being with ideas. Then she becomes one of the most liked people by anyone in their team. On top of that, all of these gorgeous women get treated like absolute crap. No one listens to them, their ideas are not heard, and they're not respected. So it leaves a very clear message: wether you are gorgeous or "ugly", misogyny will still hunt you down and it will catch you. For Betty, men don't look twice her way. They treat her bad from the moment they see her. Just because they don't want to sleep with her, they don't find her attractive. For the beautiful women in the show, like Amanda who is painted as the gorgeous blonde, men only want to sleep with her, and they don't see that she's smart. Go back to watch the show and you'll see how horribly the other women get treated compared to Betty (and they have some good cameos in this show).

As we are reaching the end, we can claim America Ferrera as "that girl". The term is, in my opinion, used for anyone who dresses like a fashionista and acts like the queen they are. But it's much more than that. I think, to achieve that title you have to be also impactful and encourage other women to be what they want to be. America really proved it by playing the Emmy Award winning role of Gloria in Barbie, directed by Greta Gerwig. I think every cis, heterosexual white male should be forced to sit down and watch this movie. The message behind the Barbie movie is about going from being a girl to being a woman. Barbieland is what our childhood felt like; we were safe, naive, independent and everything seemed perfect. The real world is what womanhood actually is. It's scary, sexist, there's pain and we're faced with so many challenges, while still being held to unrealistic expectations by society. "We mothers stand still, so our daughters can look back to see how far they've become". America Ferrera's speech about how hard it is to be a woman, really affected me and made me tear up in the theather. "It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don't think you're good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we're always doing it wrong. You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men's bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you're accused of complaining. You're supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you're supposed to be a part of the sisterhood." America Ferrera the woman you are, thank you so much for helping me and other women to believe in theirselves. Happy international women's day! <3

[saltyskeletonkidpasta]

I dont get why people like jack gibson. Not only do I think he's annoying and irrelevant I also think he so so gross and creepy and somehow the writers and fans love him?

I just cannot get over him implying he didn't need p*rn after maya made a comment about her and carina in the next room. Like hello these are supposed to be your friends have some respect it's not hard to not be creepy. And like dropping the pot of sp**m all over the carpet and he didnt even clean it him clean it up they made maya do it...absolutely revolting how the HELL is that supposed to be funny? If you found 5x16 funny please stay away from me I dont trust you. And to top it off another gross seed joke..which we already had like him giving them flowers would've been sweet but he immediately ruined it unnecessarily, and him making the entire thing abt himself like I dont wanna know what kind of porn he's into, I dont care abt what he wants/his involvement. I dont get how people think he is so kind and considerate like have you ever heard him talk? The locker room scene fe pissed me off so much like at what point was any of that to do with helping his friends out? It was all me me me..that was his whole motivation. He even went as far to call marina's potential kid a "little him" which after maya melted at the idea of a little CARINA that's like..devastating then was banging on about his "legacy" or whatever like mate this isnt abt you..even in 5x16 maya and carina having their discussion abt a pretty serious issue (being their trust) and jack just butts in like "uhhh well this isnt helping MY issue tho like seriously? Idk why the writers had to make Jack's bio family appear in that way like could they not do it ANY other way? And even if they really did have to do it that way there is no excuse for ALL of the focus to be in HIM and what HE wants and the disgusting dialogue used along with the annialation of carina's character. No one in there right mind would go for that and they even went as far to have carina freak out abt the idea of him NOT being involved right infront of maya aswell? That is so disrespectful to maya and to carina's character and to queer women in general. Carina had always been the smart independent mature one so fuck knows what the writers were thinking? And then it was all completely irrelevant anyway. They didnt even really delve into Jack's bio fam much and carina barely even cared he left.

Also he eats chicken in literally the grossest way I've ever seen then put the bone in the BEDROOM BIN like that is just gross who tf does that especially when it's not even your own house?

And he literally stood right outside marina's bedroom door while they were having sex and after his previous gross comment abt him being able to get off on that..that's disgusting🤢 I dont get what the writers were thinking like they do know who their audience is right? I dont get how they can read over anything in that storyline and think "oh yeah this is so good people will love this"💀 that's actually embarrassing for them but also they're disgusting for even trying it. Ngl I'm pretty sure queer women dont like being fetishised by straight men and like having sex in the same vicinity esp after comments like that..I mean he even asked maya if carina was like "good and ready" or something like bruh..you dont ask that!? I'm sorry but I dont care how awkward he is, I'm very awkward myself but I'm not creepy. It's just human decency to respect boundaries and not say things like that but jack had never respected boundaries throughout the entire show but this was the worst of what we saw of him but they didnt even have him leave afterwards😭 literally all they had to do was change Maya's line slightly like no dont go play music loudly get the fuck out!

That and exposing marinas private info to andy AND vic without permission..he had absolutely no right to tell them especially andy as it was really soon after and marina specifically said they wanted to wait and discuss things further before the next steps and he just blurted it out first chance he got.i really wish they'd let them have a go at him for that. Okay marina should've been much more clear and set proper boundaries beforehand and it would've been nice if paperwork was mentioned but still he is supposedly a "trustworthy guy" (despite him always being the least reliable and most likely to cause trouble on the team since day 1 but the writers were hell bent on giving him another redemption arc) and that is such a break of trust. Then with no consideration to the team or any of his friends just bails without a warning and left the station leaving andy at one of the most traumatic times of her life and left little pru after she lost her dad and lied to everyone yet was literally down the street for like 3 months...

He bailed on the clinic after like 2 sessions of it being open then ben and carina carried it to keep it going they could've very easily let it go under especially carina as she doenst even work at the station? Yet first thing he does when he sees it again is criticise..its not like they were scaring people off the clinic always looked super busy? He is just so ungrateful to what he has.

He made maya's injury all abt himself in 6x07 and how hard it would be for HIM to lose her and was confiding in he literal wife abt this then didnt even go and visit maya in hospital or find out if she was okay? And dont get me started on the whole pam thing in 6x09..listen I didnt like pam but you cant just go peeking in a private medical cubicle especially when you literally k ow there is a pregnant woman in there?!? And the absolute AUDACITY to accuse carina of cheating with his track record. So glad ben put him in his place especially when he implied he'd interfere if it was ben and bailey aswell like how fucking rude are you? but then it ended with him getting coddled again with him being sad boi :( and ben being like "dont worry you arent losing ur family" like this isnt abt you jack..also YOU are the one who bailed on the team and keeps disrupting its trust..? Thays just being a hypocrite like what abt you and andy, You and eva, you and maya, you and vic you and eva AGAIN? Like he was criticising carina when less than a month before he was sleeping with his dead teammates wife who he also slept with when he was still alive and was some what to blame for his death?

I hate him idc what anyone says he is the worst character simply bc he was so unnecessary. Like the only way the writers could keep him relevant was shoving him into business he didnt belong in.

[msfbgraves]

You mentioned that in Mobverse, The Sound of Music’s Captain would be an Alpha which makes perfect sense, considering his clueless behavior around his own children lol. Would Maria be an omega, then? 

But now The Godfather cast!

Vito and Sonny are both 100% Alphas. Would Michael Corleone still be a beta or an Alpha JUST IMAGINE if Michael actually was…an omega. Lol. The idea amuses me greatly. Anyway, I’m conflicted on if Fredo is a beta too, or a loser omega. Sorry Freddie, still love ya ♥️ 

And Connie…Connie confuses me most of all. She leans omega in movie 1, but more beta in movie 2. And 3…who can say? Carmela is either an omega or beta.

In my universe, there is fierce debate over Maria. Most read her as beta, as this is Hollywood, they're not going to be transgressive and betas as second marriage mates is very well accepted. Also Maria is very outgoing and independent in story, very ready to cede territory to the Baroness, also planning to be a nun and therefore childless, and takes no shit. Betas, women especially, are fiercely protective over her as a bonafide romantic heroine who also wins the love of all these puppies, and the handsome Alpha. Like, omegas are not better parents or mates, see the Captain being smitten with Maria.

There is an omega counter argument saying that Maria simply was an omega with a delayed presentation, what with having been around beta women all her youth. The second they really connect, Maria may have suddenly presented off screen, in seclusion in the convent. This they substantiate with the fact that once married, Maria's demeanour is peak omega, leaving much of the action to her Alpha mate.

This rubs betas the entirely wrong way ["show us the bitemark, then, where is it, where?!" "Not EVERYTHING is about YOU!!"], which I find funny to imagine, and goodness, there's merit to both readings, though I lean towards beta too. Jane Eyre definitely is, to go for another classic. The only one in TSOM who is 100% omega is Uncle Max! 😄

Oh the Godfather. Michael omega? Now that would be interesting! I think he is beta, though, always have. Because he is so detached, impassionate most of the time. Dangerous because of his very clinical approach to power.

If Fredo were omega, that would solve so many problems for the poor bean! Doesn't have to hold his own, simply needs to be married off! Wish that he were. He's not Alpha, he doesn't have the fire. If he is beta, then the whole "I am your older brother!" makes more sense.

What about Tom? He too could be beta, but I feel he is Alpha, just not Sicilian style, and therefore feels he's "not Alpha enough". It's the German in him. German Irish is a hard combination to wrangle, I say this as the daughter of a German who was too passionate for Germany, and now I am too passionate for Holland, and feel strangely at ease in Ireland, but like, still with a German sense of caution, just like Tom.

Carmela is omega. 100%. Perfect spouse, sweet, beautiful, and with zero interest in getting involved in the business, or building anything other than a safe space for her mate, her everything, and her children.

Connie has been raised as a Sicilian traditional girl, and there would be very little difference in expectations of a Sicilian beta or omega girl in my book. That's why she is so hard to read. But an omega would remarry yesterday and start a new family and would probably never even want to become Michael's consigliere. No, she's beta.

[shifting803]

Shifting experience

N°2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So basically, today i wanna share one of my experience in one of my main DR.

PS :Sorry for not posting for 8 days, i was not doing well, i will try to post more often.

I shift to Riverdale, ik it's an uncommun DR . I watched this show in 2023 and i loved it ( the 2 last season were so weird like...). And if you watched it it's better.

I want to talk about the characters and their personality. We often see our cc ( comfort characters ) on screen but when you haven't shifted yet to your DR, you haven't experienced their real personality and how they act everyday.

And i seen so much people who had shifted for a specific person and their were kinda surprised or shocked of how their cc were acting. I just wanna say that it's kinda of normal because you only see their personality they show and not their personality in private yk? Its not common but not as rare as you can think of. And i wanna share my first interactions with my cc and how i thought they would act and how they really act.

《 PART2 》

THE CHARACTERS:

Veronica Lodge: I thought she was really a bad bitch, a boss and with vibes of independant women. When i first met her i was so surprised ( not in a bad way ) that she is so sweet and actually not so strong. She is soo kind and she have much of a coquette vibes in real life. She cares so much about others people. It's so crazy. Her personality is the same as in the show but she has a side they didn't show in the show. I love her.

Betty Cooper : So basically she is the " perfect girl " and know how to handle every situations. But not all the time. And she is a lot more mean than i thought. Its not in a bad way but sometimes she is very honest. And she does not have have always good grades. She is so bad at science like its really bad. And she is soo funny. She make me laugh everytime. She wears more revealing clothes than in the show. She really has good style and not the style of a 10 years old like in a show. She is not as perfect as i thought ( Nobody is perfect ). She is really provocative and she is not scared of doing crazy things. One time she jumped of a cliff because of a dare ?!??! Happily she have nothing but it was so surprising. She is really cool and has more of a cool/chill vibes than coquette/perfect vibes.

Archie Andrews : I thought he was more serious. But this guy is literally a child. He have a dirty mind, every time you say something than can be related to ... he is laughing and telling a dirty joke. He is so funny! He is the clown of the class and he is the hell for teachers. He cant be serious for just 2 minutes. But he is so focus in sport than his actually grades. He love sport and everytime his team win or he win he is acting like a child a make fun of us... But i really love him. He really wanna save everyone and that's something not really good for him. Ik he is working on that and hope its working. Its really sentimental and he can cry for everything. One time i ate the last ice cream and he cried?? I really didn't know what to do so i just ran away...

Jughead : I dont have a lot to say about him expect he is like in the show. But he is sooo funny and not that serious too. But he is so intelligent. Sometimes he speak and i dont understand because he use metaphores. I dont judge him for that but he really likes using fancy words to impress us ( that's not necessary ). But he is so sweet and he remember every little things. He is always hungry!! Every two minutes he is like " Aargh, im so hungry. What time is it?? " And he really care about his family. He is really sarcastic and its annoying sometimes but that's ok. I really enjoy being with him.

I wanna to say that i take things out because i dont want to be traumatised 😍. And i made their lifes happier because they deserved it. I really like this DR and its the Show where i first shifted in. This DR gave me the motivation to shift and not giving up. They really helped me getting better and learned things from life. I hope you're motivated to shift tonight and be excited.

☆I hope this helped you and you enjoyed it. I really liked making this post. Stay motivated, don't give up and enjoy you're journey. Byye ~♡

Picture of clouds so beautiful ~~~

☆Love you all and Happy shifting♡

[booksandchainmail]

Pale 4.9

“I’ve been doing this since I was a kid.  I got awoken at four.”

why would you do this! how did you possibly keep a small child from ever lying or breaking a promise

Zach's whole thing is very funny though. I assumed "Hot Girl" was a specific spirit or something with a coincidentally funny name, but no, he just makes bespoke spiritually-enhanced pinup statues of get laid

“All of this practitioner stuff is stuck centuries in the past,” Lucy muttered. “It really is,” Zach said. “You’re new to it, but try living it, and going back and forth from regular high school to your dad telling your kid sister that he’s not sure if he wants the family to break tradition and bring the family’s women into the practice.”

Remembering when they were talking to the exterminator girl, who mentioned she had basically no choice but to continue with the practice since she had no normal education. Part of that has to be time demands, but I wonder how many practitioner families keep their children isolated from the mundane world so they don't have an option to just leave?

Kids like the Kennet Trio and Jessica are at a disadvantage in terms of family resources and connections and training, but honestly that seems pretty balanced to me in terms of avoiding arranged marriages and the other kinds of control practitioners hold over their children. Though I suppose the downside of being independent is that you may have to trade that independence for an apprenticeship in order to survive. And that's if you're lucky and don't have to make worse deals

They did, forming something of a four-pointed star around the table, or they almost did.  Zach pulled his hand back.  “We’re powering it with ourselves?”

hmm. Zach's reaction makes me think it's pretty uncommon to do workings without an outside power source. And I think the Kennet Trio mostly get by by pulling on the Others usually? Not wild about them putting themSelves into a doll-puppet

She realized as she said the word that Mrs. Graubard had bailed on the conversation with Fernanda, and was speed-walking their way, picking up speed as she realized what they were doing.

yeah :|

but it went better than I was worried about!

“Um,” Avery said.  She walked around the table.  Quietly, she said, “I don’t want to brag or make a big deal of it, but we do those all the time.” “Some can. Many can’t.”

okay. So that's something I've noticed compared to what I remember from Pact. They have a lot more power to play around with, things like all the diagrams, and glamouring into animals. I'm assuming that's because they're drawing on the Kennet Others, so they have a pool of outside power at all times. Alternatively, the way Ms. Graubard says some can do runes casually, is there something else notable about our protagonists?

Crack theory time: the girls are unknowingly vested with (a degree of) the Carmine Beast's power. Either because the murderer hid it within them, or because the Beast chose them as it died. We do know that they were all at the Arena that night, iirc? Because they're all in Avery's photo of the game, and that's the night that Miss approached them. (Evidence on timing from going back through the first couple chapters: CB died five weeks before Awakening, Miss approached them five weeks before Awakening, hockey game night CB died, Avery notes final game of the season the night they met Miss). If the CB, when dying, knew it couldn't trust any of the Others of Kennet (didn't call out to them), it might have chosen to vest its power in human bystanders to keep it from the murderer. Likewise I could see hiding it in an UnAware person to be a way around early searches. Then drawing on the Others of Kennet could be an excuse given to the girls to keep them from questioning their power. Not really sure why Awaken them in this theory though.

Avery leaned in, until she was barely audible as she asked, “want to be discreet?” “I was thinking we should do the doll thing, just the three of us,” Lucy said.

fuck yeah! self-actualize!

Again, that ‘fwoof’.  Maybe twice as strong, which was odd.

maybe due to their group awakening, they registered as one entity somehow, so were only shouldering half of the power between them last time, while Zach provided the entire other half?

“Passing grade?” Verona asked, bouncing once on the spot.

:)

“Reminded him he had a friend over here.  A best friend should be looking after his bud.”

:) :) :)

Then for Verona.  Verona blinked, let the Sight take over, and viewed the bottle, no longer waxy cardboard or whatever it was a milk carton was made of, but something like thin, foggy glass.  A tiny skinless baby cow was crammed inside, almost drowning in its fluids. “Looks fine to me,” she said.

god Verona's so weird (affectionate)

Not sure what to say about her parents here. Just that it sucks that in this time where she's finally found a place she feels happy and engaged and skilled, he's dragging her out

[eolewyn1010]

Dragging Frankenstein - Chapter 14

More exposition about people that are not of interest! Yay!

The Turkish merchant was the cause of everyone’s ruin, of course. I should have started a racism counter back in the prologue, oh well.

How are you “accidentally present at a trial”? Just stumbled into the courtroom, Your Honor, didn’t mean to!

“that the captive possessed a treasure which would fully reward his toil and hazard”??? So, not only does Felix view his fiancée as possession, he only helped her father in the first place because he reckoned he’d be given her as a present. For fuck’s sake.

Also, did Safie actually fall for “some guy who randomly wants to help my father” or did she feed his interest in her with love letters to ensure her family’s survival? Bc that might actually make for some interesting characterization of a woman in this book. We can’t have that!

Wait a minute, if Safie is a Turkish merchant’s daughter, why does Felix keep calling her “Arabian”?

Safie was taught “an independence of spirit, forbidden to the female followers of Mohammed”. Considering how the women in this book are all basically sheep at the beck and call of Their Men, this is either very funny or infuriating.

“allowed to only occupy herself with infantile amusements” …see above. Didn’t Elizabeth call her own occupations “trifling”?

“the prospect of marrying a Christian” – yeah, sure, that’s the peak of striving for virtue and grand ideas for a woman.

“sang to him the divine airs of her native country” – this reminds me of the tourism advertisement for every Muslim country ever, when they introduce the exoticism of the country with shots of the desert, with a veiled woman staring at the camera soulfully while some Arabian-ish song gets wailed in the background. Orientalism whomst?

“The Turk allowed this intimacy to take place” o.O Did… did Felix and Safie already get to consummate their bond?

“the treacherous Turk” – here we go again, with a nice lil’ alliteration so the stereotype sticks.

“Such were the events that preyed on the heart of Felix, and rendered him the most miserable of his family” -.- Felix gets IT’S ALL ABOUT ME: 14

I don’t care that this story isn’t about him; this is the EXACT same bullshit Victor pulls – everyone else suffers bc of his stupidities, but HE is the one who suffers the most because, alas, the weight of a conscience! Twat.

Random girl dies to add to the tragedy of Safie’s situation – but who cares, was only a servant anyway!

And now she can live in poverty and disgrace with the bunch of them. Cool.

The Creature is only half-done talking about them, and I wanna trash-talk Victor some more…

For my complaints about how the female characters are all the same, there's not too much variety among the male characters either. There's either Victor and his copies (his similarity to the Creature is one of the main points of the book, and Walton and Felix are, while less focused-on by the narrative, the same type of self-important, whiny, extolled-by-themselves-and-others, snooty egotists), or Victor's sycophants (his father, his brother, the magistrates, his professor and, yes, even sweet Henry).

[donnabroadway]

To be young, beautiful, and the preference

I recently made a video about the Sprinkle Sprinkle lady, Sheraseven, and how her messaging didn't seem right with me, especially the part of her husband being married and having a girlfriend and her allegedly helping to clean out the wife's bank account, and I was told I didn't get it and they're right. The message is missing me, because at 36, I have lived to see a few things and know that everything she is saying is not completely copacetic and simply unrealistic and don't make sense. When I was 23, I was asked on a date by an older gentleman who then proceeded to ask me if I wanted to be a courtesans, which is another word for escort or, what we call today, a 304. This was not the first or last time I was asked this. I wasn't that type of girl, so I declined but no shame to those who are in the life. I had offers from older men to "take care of me," which was expected as I was young and beautiful and they were older, not necessarily ugly, but older with stable careers and money and we both knew what it was. But I noticed by the time I hit my late 20s, the offers kind of stopped. Not completely, as the man got to be a bit older, but slowed down. I say all that to say, the women like Savannah James and Sheraseven, who can truly have the hypergamous life, at seemingly very little expense, are few and far between and even Shera7 is looking a little funny in the light and Savannah doesn't talk much, so it's easy to project onto her.

I have noticed that most of the discord against Sheraseven and the SprinkleSprinkle movement comes from women in my age range, mid-late 30s to Gen X women in their 50s because we've been through it and we see how the men treat these women when they're done with them and it's not us being bitter that we're "old," it's that we know how it turns out and all the stuff they're telling you and giving you is just B.S. But like every generation, this generation of young people will have to figure it out on their own and will eventually join the elder circle of those watching the young people make the mistakes they once made.

There is a reason why the age gap between men and women began to widen around the age of 28 or so because as women began to wisen up, so do men and the luster tends to wane on both ends and this also the age when most people start to permanently, or at least legally, couple up and begin families and men, who like to impress with money, material things, and experiences can't really do that with a woman who has been experiencing that life since she was 17 or 18. Bow Wow, who is only a few months younger than me, famously said he want a woman he can give new experiences to and Marques Houston, who is in his early 40s, said he wanted a younger woman who didn't have baggage and kids, all the while saying his 19 year old wife was more mature than women twice her age. Okay. This is nothing new, men can simply blame it on feminism and independent womanhood but if we go back to history, the amount of our grandmothers and great grandmothers who got married and became mothers before they turned 18, to men twice their age, is astounding and this was before women had "rights." So miss me with the reasonings and excuses.

Youth and beauty are the most depreciating commodities but we treat them like they're everlasting and for some reason, every generation believes they are the exception and not the rule. Men have trained young, beautiful, 18-25 year old women to give them their peak beauty and time, many times to be left with very little to show for it once they hit the proverbial wall of 35 and up. Every older woman with a not so tight body and 3-4 kids, was once supple, young, and believed the world was her oyster was well and that she would never be traded in for the newest model. The naivete and resilience of late teens-20 somethings to see the best in life and that they're the exception will always amaze me because 20 somethings, who have never experienced life on their own, believe they have it all figured out. I remember being in my early 20s and getting offended when an older person told me I had more to learn or that I wasn't as wise as I thought I was and they weren't wrong and I should have listened because I would have saved myself a few mistakes and some time.

The way things were done may have changed but the game is still the same. I was in my early-mid 20s when social media really began popping to the point where nobodies became bigger stars than those with legit talent. It made multimillionaires and red carpet staples out of ordinary people. IG really became the new King Magazine, if you know you know, where a new way of life opened for women simply because they were beautiful. These women like Amber Rose, Black Chyna, Brittney Renner, India Love, Bernice Burgous, and even Kim Kardashian would go viral every time they posted a picture and many got opportunities and high profile relationships from it. The IG baddies who were at their peak in the early-mid 2010s are all in their thirties and some in their 40s and they're starting to pivot. They know Kim Kardashian is the only 40 plus woman who can still post a naked picture and it seem normal. Women in this life, from all generations, typically do one of three things, they have a baby, they get married, or they pivot into a successful business owner or even religion. The women who are my age, mid-late 30s are considered old or used up because this is the age your body changes and no longer easily bounces back, and women tend to be wiser and talk back a little more and men want a trophy and not a chihuahua.

The amount of women who believe they can outplay the architect of the game, is amazing to me. The game will always be rigged to let just enough of the select few in for us to believe we all have a chance at being the exception to the rule. The amount of women I see who believe they are playing men, only to get played at the end, is astounding. I remember when Ashley, from RHOP, was still married to Michael and they redid their prenup after he got caught cheating to get half of their shared assets and they're now divorced and she's not getting any child support while living in a house she cannot afford, that is in an LLC, that Michael owns and he can come by anytime he wants and make her company leave but let the internet tell it, Ashley won and she outplayed Michael.

There is a phrase that goes "church is where hoes go to die" because at some point, everyone ages out of the game, no matter what game you play, and sometimes the church is the only place a former hussie can have a little bit of power. There is a reason why Blac Chyna and Brittany Renner are trying to pivot because while they're still beautiful and someone's dream girl, they've aged out of the population they were once prominent in.

[casualcatwolf]

What is the main problem of Indians?

I was flying from New Delhi to Kolkata. I was sitting on the aisle seat for a change. I didn’t want to pay extra for a window seat and since it was a late night flight, there wasn’t anything to look outside the window. Since I had the aisle seat, I boarded the flight after most of the passengers had boarded so that I didn't have to move if the passengers in the window and middle seat arrived after me.

It was an uneventful journey. The Bluey USA Independence Day White Hawaiian Shirt, Kids Hawaiian Shirt landed and soon as it stopped on the tarmac, the clacking sound of seat belts engulfed the entire cabin and people got up from their seats. The cabin crew requested the passenger to be seated but nobody cared about it. They were already in the process of getting their bags from the overhead bins. Soon, the aisle got blocked with passengers queuing up to deboard.

Just then, the passengers on my left who were in the middle Funny Bluey Aloha Beach Pineapple Hawaiian Shirt For Women and the window seat asked me to give way so that they could get their bags and join the queue on the aisle.

There was no space to get out. People were standing next to me and I don't understand what's the hurry to deboard the aircraft! It's better to remain seated than block the aisle like school kids queueing up to leave after school gets over. There's no point in queuing up; you are not going anywhere. Yet they stand like this for 10 minutes before the aircraft’s door opens.

Strangely, I have seen this behaviour only with Cute Blu-ey Family Hawaiian Shirt For Summer, Gift For Friends. Citizens of other nations hardly do this. On my international flights, I have seen very few people get up as soon as the flight lands. Even on those flights, one can easily make out from their faces that the ones who get up are mostly Indians. The basic aviation guideline is to remain seated till the gate opens and after that, you are supposed to exit row-wise. I wonder what these people will do in case some Bluey Hawaiian Shirt adult airline is required to do an emergency evacuation. Everyone will block the aisle to get to the emergency exits first and nobody will be able to get out ultimately.

[laciere]

Interview with Stephanie Byrd: by Terri Jewell

(Originally published in Does Your Mama Know? An Anthology of Black Lesbian Coming Out Stories, ed. Lisa C. Moore, published by RedBone press 1997. Transcribed by @laciere (typos my own).)

[Stephanie Byrd is a Black lesbian feminist poet, writer, critic, community activist. Her works include two books of poetry; critical essays in Greenwood Press’ Bibliography of Contemporary Lesbian Literature (1993) and Lesbian Review of Books (1995); listing in Black Lesbians: An annotated Bibliography by J. R. Roberts (1981); mentioned in Ann Allen Shockley’s essay, “The Black Lesbian in American Literature: An Overview” (1979) and Black Women and the Sexual Mountain by Calvin Hernton (1988). Her poetry has appeared in The American Voice, Kenyon Review, Conditions and Sinister Wisdom. Her books have been reviewed by many publications.]

STEPHANIE BYRD: I was born in 1950 on July 10th in Richmond, Indiana. My family has lived in or around Richmond since the War of 1812, perhaps before then. Part of them came from Boston, Massachusetts, because the Northwest Territory was free territory and they did not wish to become enslaved again. Other members of my family escaped from slavery in the South and came to Indiana, where small Black settlements had sprung up. These are the people that I came from.

I was a Latin major at Ball State University from 1968-69 and was an anti-war activist from 1968-73. I met some civil rights activists during that period who were doing work in Cairo, Illinois. The Black community in Cairo was boycotting the white businesses because of their refusal to hire Blacks. The white community was responding by driving through the Black community at night and shooting through people’s windows, so after dark people would turn out the lights and sit on the floor. I met a man who was doing some fund-raising at Indiana University in Bloomington and became involved with gathering canned goods and clothing to offset “The Wolf” in Cairo until the problem could be resolved.

TERRI JEWELL: Were you a lesbian then?

BYRD: Yes. When I was about 6 or 7, one of the neighbors called me a lesbian. I went to my grandmother and asked her about it and she told me that being a lesbian was about loving women, women loving women.

JEWELL: Your grandmother told you that?!!

Byrd: Yes. My grandmother Byrd. And that it was all right to be a lesbian if I really loved someone. And since I was in love with my little next door neighbor, I went out and told everyone that we were lesbians. My mother was furious and I think that was the first time I heard about lesbians. The second time, I was 12 and I was asked to put down on a sheet of paper what my goals in life were. I was in seventh grade at Hibbard Elementary/Junior High School. I had put down that my goals were to be a brain surgeon, a lawyer, and a lesbian. I was sent to the office. I realized when I was sent down to the office that something was terribly wrong even though I was only 12, and they said, “Well, do you know what a lesbian?” And I said, “It’s a person who lives on the isle of lesbos,” because I had looked it up in the dictionary. They me go, feeling secure that i really didn’t know what I was talking about. It’s funny that about a year later I was sent to the office again for being a Communist.

JEWELL: A Communist?

BYRD: Yes, because I asked for the Communist Manifesto at the school library so we could compare it to the Declaration of Independence.

When I was about 17, I realized that there was something wrong with being a lesbian socially.I tried to become straight and hooked up with this guy who turned out to be gay. By the time I was 19, I realized that none of this was working, so I just went back to being a lesbian again. It was very hard, though, because at 19 you’re kind of a sexual libertine. You’re not straight, you’re not gay. You’re just in heat. Being a lesbian was just the best and easiest way for me to be.

JEWELL: When did you start writing?

BYRD: When I was 17, in the summer. I had actually started writing before then during that school year and had written some short stories and some poetry. When I graduated from high school, I started writing poetry seriously and actually had a contest with my little gay boyfriend. We would write a book of poetry a month and that summer I produced three books of poetry, all of which I burned.

JEWELL: Why?

BYRD: I have destroyed my work in the past. I’d say, all together, four books of poetry. I have a tendency to lose control of my temper and as a result, my reason. I would burn my work as a cleansing act. A ritual.

JEWELL: You don’t consider the act of writing a cleansing? A ritual?

BYRD: Writing can be cleansing, but there have been times in my life when even the writing is not enough to cleanse.

JEWELL: So, writing is not always enough to cleanse what?

BYRD: Oh, I call them “the Terrors.” They are anxieties and fears that somehow combine into a feeling so large they seem to consume me from the inside out. I think some actress in a Neil Simon play once called the “Read Meanies.”

JEWELL: What has survived of your writing?

BYRD: There is a book of poetry called 25 Years of Malcontent which is now out of print. When I finished 25 Years of Malcontent, it was the result of serious years of serious writing, the last three of which I wrote every day for at least two hours a day, sometimes eight, depending on whether or not I was employed. I t was released in 1976 and published by Good Gay Poets in Boston. As with most first works by a writer, it’s somewhat autobiographical, describing things and events that I observed or was involved in. There is one poem there about a man who died in a house. He wasn’t found until much later and his cats had tried to chew through the door to get to him to eat him because they hadn’t been fed. And there is a poem about a white suffragette I had met in Texas. She was a wonderful, wonderful woman well into her 60s. This was in 1972. She told me to be true to my roots. The advice that she gave me was very good advice. The whole time I was in Boston, I don’t think I ever really convinced myself that I was anything but a Black woman from Indiana.

JEWELL: When did you first go to Boston?

BYRD: It was 1973.

JEWELL: Were you aware of the Combahee River Collective?

BYRD: In 1974, the women who eventually evolved into the Combahee River Collective were the National Black Feminist Organization of which I was a member. We used to meet as a support group at the Women’s Center in Cambridge. We would talk about a number of things. Barbara Smith was there and she developed guidelines on how we were to support each other. It was very like consciousness-raising. I remember the group being an open group and a lot of women coming who were straight and battered. They were Black women. Some of them were successful, some of them were very poor, some of them were working-class women. There were incidents where outsiders would come and discover that there were Black lesbians there and they would flip out with a great deal of hysteria and arguing and name-calling. And those were the early meetings. But the thing i remember is these women coming who had been so battered in their lives that there was something disturbing about them and a support group wasn’t going to do it for them. I heard someone say recently that one of the best cures for mental illness for Black people is Black culture and I wanted the group to be more committed to the creation and preservation of Black women’s culture. But that was really difficult to do with the Combahee River Collective because the group soon was not all Black. And the support group was very committed to combating racism and sexism and antisemitism and class oppression, so many minority women had to be included. At that time, I had a great deal of difficulty synthesizing the presence and the issues of the minority women who were not Black into the issues that involved me. I was something of a Black separatist, I suppose.

JEWELL: In reading their statement, the group was against separatism and wanted to work with Black men.

BYRD: Well, I never heard them say anything about working with any men when I was in the group. They talked about working with white women. [In attempting to address] all the other concerns [of Koreans, Hispanics, Jews, Chinese, Vietnamese, etc.] just turned into a wave that seemed to obliterate what I was hoping would become a Black feminist support group. And as Black feminists, in retrospect, I realize now that I was hoping that we could do something to address the needs of some of these women who were coming to us who had been stabbed or shot or beaten and threatened and didn’t know how to leave their husbands or didn’t know how to address life without a man. These women needed a separatist environment in which to heal. Maybe later on, this whole multi-ethnic feminist vanguard could include them, but for then and for now, too, it doesn’t. It does not address the needs of these Black women.

JEWELL: I agree. So, why do you think that is, even though we are well-versed in the problems that we have? And I’m not living on either the East or the West coasts, but in the Midwest. You know the gaps HERE. In your opinion, why are we Black women so afraid of having our own groups and projects exclusively? We always talk about how nice it is to be among ourselves with our own language and our own ways of doing and seeing things but we just don’t do it. Even the Combahee River Statement says, “We realize that the only people who care enough about us to work consistently for our liberation are us.” Yet, we are constantly getting away from that.

BYRD: Oh, it’s much easier to address everyone else’s needs rather than your own. You know that from dealing with your own problems. It is much easier to go out and find someone else who has a bigger problem or a different problem and work on their problem for them than to deal with your own mess. And essentially, that’s what we have been doing all along historically. We think we CAN’T do it by ourselves. And the reason why we can’t do it by ourselves is because “they” will annihilate us. We have to get away from this paranoia.

JEWELL: How long were you with this group?

BYRD: Oh, until about 1976.

JEWELL: So, it did not start out being a Black lesbian group?

BYRD: Oh, no, no, no.

JEWELL: Or did it start out being a Black lesbian group but no one was saying this so just more women would want to be involved without stigma?

BYRD: When the group started, there were only three of us, including myself, who said they were lesbians. Only three of us announced that we were lesbians during the first night of the group. The other women introduced themselves by talking about where they went to graduate school and what their interests were, etc., but no one else said they were lesbians. After several months, though, some of the other women came out.

JEWELL: What made you leave the group?

BYRD: I Was heavily into my poetry, doing a lot of writing and readings. And I wanted to do more cultural things. I read all over Boston: University of Massachusetts, Boston; Faneuil Hall, which is the Town Hall in Boston. In 1976 I decided I couldn’t maintain the separatist pose any longer, that I would have to become involved in the Gay and Lesbian Rights Movement.

JEWELL: Why couldn’t you maintain a separatist stance?

BYRD: Actually, I found that despite what the Combahee River Collective said about separatism, they were very anti-male. Most of the women I knew there did not like men and made no pretense of acting like they liked me or wanted to do anything to help men. I had met a lot of Black gay men who had been decent to me and had been brotherly. I felt the least I could do was return in kind. So I became more involved in the Gay and Lesbian Rights Movement but always, ALWAYS my focus was on US as Black people. Not just as Black women but as Black people. And in writing my poetry, because I am a Black woman, I was creating Black women’s culture. And those things were becoming clearer and clearer to me as i grew older. And I didn’t need a large support group to give me an identity. My identity was growing out of MY growing as a Black woman artist and creating Black women’s art. And as a Black person who has a Black father and Black male cousins and Black uncles and a Black grandfather, I had a duty to protect their rights as Black people. The only way I could do that, because I couldn’t do it within the homophobic Black community, was to do it with the Gay and Lesbian Rights Movement.

JEWELL: You were on television and the radio?

BYRD: In 1977, I was a guest on a Black cultural TV program called Mzizi Roots. This was an Emmy award-winning program in Boston. I appeared on the segment called “Gay Rights–Whose Rights?” and the host was Sarah Ann shaw. The other two guests were a Black psychologist and a Black gay male activist.We discussed the presence of Black lesbians and gays in the Black community and the legitimacy of claims made by gay and lesbian activist groups for human rights. I also did radio programs. I did one called Coming Out and that was in 1974. I was asked a whole bunch of questions about Black lesbianism. This was on PBS. Then I did another radio program, Out of the Closet, in 1978. By then, I was reading poetry on the air. I had a small group starting with two women and ending up as a five-piece band, called Hermanas. They used to accompany my poetry with music. They were with me until 1982. Then, in 1984 I did a whole one-hour show on MIT [Massachusetts Institute of Technology] radio called Musically Speaking, which was nothing but poetry and music. I also read for Rock Against Sexism, which was the name of a group of punk rockers in 1984. That was at the Massachusetts College of Art. I read in New York for the Open Line Poetry Series at Washington Square Church in 1983; in Newburyport, MA; all over Cambridge. I was very, very active.

JEWELL: Tell me about your second book.

BYRD: My second book is self-published, A Distant Footstep On The PLain. It was the late 1970s. I had been asked to read some poetry at International Women’s Day at Cambridge’s YWCA. I read a poem called “On Black Women Dying.” It deals with Black women I have known who have died and the Black women who were murdered in Boston whose murders were never solved. It was a kind of a serial killing. I read this poem with the accompaniment of music. That’s where Hermanas made their first appearance. It was a conga and a guitar. After that, I got telephone calls to do it again, so we got together and we performed more.

…in the fall of 1978

the Klan began

its “open recruitment”

in Boston City schools

and it was 1955

that a team of white professionals

interviewed colored children

from the Wayne County school system

as to whether their mammas and daddies

was for integration

or segregation

well, what i’m trying to get at

is that in the last 30 odd years

of my life span

there has occurred

a series of events

which have culminated 

in the death and near dying

of Black women

across the continent of Amerika… In 1979 I became unemployed, so I had more time to write. I was moving furniture and doing odd jobs around the city. It was a tough period in my life. I was hungry a lot.

JEWELL: So, how did you self-publish your second book, A Distant Foostep On The Plain?

BYRD: I was working on the Boston and Maine Railroad at the time I finished my second book and i couldn’t find a publisher for it. I self-published my book in 1983. I went to the printers and did a cost comparison. I had a friend who was a typographer and she worked on my manuscript. She gave me the negative for my book so I could get it published. She did this work for free. We took it to a local, small neighborhood newspaper that donated their space and we laid out the book in 24 hours. And then we drove it to the printer’s, it went to press, and a week later I went back and picked up three creates of it. It cost me $600 for 600 copies.

JEWELL: Why the title A Distant Footstep On The Plain? BYRD: I am from Indiana. In a sense, it is my being true to my roots. It is a reaffirmation of who I am and where I’m from. A distant footstep on the plain. That’s what i was at one time.

I have a manuscript in the works now. It’s tentatively entitled In The house of Coppers. I feel good about this work. It feels better than the second book. It’s a different kind of work, probably closer to the first work. Maybe it’s a new threshold for me.

JEWELL: Which writers do you enjoy?

BYRD: Bessie Head, a South African, and hers Serowe: Village of the Rainwind and Collector of Treasures. I’m very fond of Samuel Delaney, the Black science fiction writer, and Octavia Butler, another Black science fiction writer. I dream of Toni Morrison and I like Gloria Naylor a lot. They are superior writers. There are a lot of African writers that I like: Ferdinand Oyono, who wrote The Old Man And The Medal; Yambo Ologuem, who wrote Bound To Violence; Mariama Ba, who was a very fine writer. I also enjoy Simone Schwarz-Bart, a Caribbean writer who wrote The Bridge of Beyond and the poetry of Marilyn Hacker and William Carlos William and Nicolas Guillén. I also have to give a nod to Sexton and Plath, though their work doesn’t interest me as much as it did when I was in my 20s.

[girl4music]

EDWARD: “The family home. 280 Main Street, Amherst... along with all the rest of my possessions, such that remain, shall be bequeathed to... my son, William Austin Dickinson, Esq. And in the event of his death, they shall be bequeathed to his son, the... My goodness. That boy doesn't even have a name yet, does he? Just put down "his eldest son". Oh. Hmm. Imagine that. Your little unnamed nephew could very well end up being your guardian one day. How funny life is. What is the matter, my dear?”

EMILY: “Are you really telling me... that you're giving everything to Austin? Just like that? After all that's happened? Every single thing?”

EDWARD: “But of course. Who else would it go to? You women? Imagine how that would look, if I left everything to my daughter. The bank would likely tear the will right up. They would think I was insane. Women can't own property. No, Em, it has something to do with how emotional they are. They simply can't be trusted to make their own decisions. That's why they need to be left in a man's care, if not my own, then Austin's. And if not his, then his son's. The men of this family shall remain in charge, hopefully, for many generations to come. I mean, you women are blessed not to have the burden of independence on your shoulders. Oh. Not to worry though, my dear. You will be well taken care of. And in any case, I assure you, this is perfectly in keeping with Massachusetts law.”

EMILY: “You know, I grew up thinking... how lucky I am to have such an incredible man for a father. Hmm. A man of ambition, a man of great power, who could do amazing things, who could change the world. But the truth is... you're nothing like that.”

EDWARD:

*taken aback, horrified by Emily’s honest words*

“I’m sorry, what?”

EMILY: “You are nothing but a scared sheep. You have no power to change anything because you... you have no imagination. And for that reason, no one will ever know or care who you were. I made a mistake. Austin was right about you. I was wrong.”

Baby, I could have told you your Dad was dirt. A coward. A liar. A manipulator. All his fake fatherly-ness with you was never about you. I knew that the moment he hit you in the face. About time you faced up to the truth of your family under the patriarchal control of your awful father. Austin was indeed right.

By the way, a tremendous performance from Steinfeld in that scene. Wow! That is why she’s the lead cast. She did that whole conversation complete justice.

[catysharksstuff]

Femininity

In the year 2023, what even is “femininity”?

I have always identified as female, but I couldn’t tell you why exactly that is. As in, is it because I was born in the 70s and that decade was very binary in terms of what a baby “was”? And then did I just grow up that way? And had I been born in a different decade, or into a different family, would I have identified differently?

I’m not sure that’s the full story, honestly. Even as a young kid I was absolutely, stereotypically feminine. All the girlish trappings were either mine or what I desperately wanted. Pink was my favourite colour, Barbie was my favourite toy. I wanted to grow up to be a ballet dancer, or, failing that, an ice dancer. My favourite show was a VHS tape my grandfather made for me called, according to the crusty, self-adhered strip, “dance, then Kirov ballet”, where bless his old Scottish heart, he had faithfully taped any bit of dance that floated across his television, for his small granddaughter all the way across the world in Pakistan. As a kid, I loved being a girl and I never thought of being otherwise.

It probably helped that I was an adorably pretty young ‘un. I had big blue eyes and blonde hair, preferred dresses to shorts, and the most devastating thing that happened in my young life was when, some time around the age of six or seven, my mother CUT OFF MY HAIR, and when it grew back it was BROWN not BLONDE, and I cried because I was suddenly “ugly”.

Funny, thinking back on it. Was that when all my problems with being a girl originated? Maybe. At least my recollection of my youth is that there was a clear demarcation from when I was “happy and petty” to when I was “sad and ugly” and at some definitive point that was the switch that was made. Looking back, of course, it was never so simple and the before/after likely had more to do with moving (fourth international move by age seven) from Pakistan to the UK. But reflecting, I do think it’s curious that my first thoughts about femaleness - or femininity at any rate (is there a difference? I think there might be) centred on my physical appearance. As in: how I looked, rather than who I was or how I behaved.

Because, for me back then, I don’t think femininity manifested particularly anywhere else. I was as loud as the boys, as argumentative, as boisterous. I didn’t think of myself as a lesser being, and I was well aware that I was a smart kid. Very clever. Annoyingly clever. And I was funny (or I liked to think I was). Now, I don’t know if any of that makes me more or less” feminine” in the tropey sense of the word. But it seems to me that femininity is often associated with gentleness, delicacy, meekness, shyness maybe, or being retiring. That was never me, but it didn’t matter because I was so pretty and cute and pink and blonde. Being a girl was about looking girlish.

That’s not that strange though, perhaps. To my (albeit very uninformed) understanding, gay and lesbian communities still disaggregate somewhat into the “butch” and the “femme” stereotypes, and that seems to go along with appearance. I’m occasionally mistaken for a lesbian. Hilariously so, sometimes. Like those who have mis-categorized me have done so with absolute confidence. Without hesitation. And they tend to be aghast when they learn I am straight, like maybe I tricked them?

So, I wonder what it is that leads them to draw such a conclusion. My brusqueness, maybe? My apparent confidence (assuredly all baloney)? Or is it that I travel solo quite happily? I’m independent and used to figuring shit out for myself (but so are a lot of women! More so than men I would hazard!). And I do also wonder if it’s an attitude thing, or an appearance thing? Because, although I do still love stereotypically feminine things like clothes and shoes and needlework and celebrity gossip: that’s by far and away not my only interests. And those who have done the mis-characterization have more often than not been strangers or very recent acquaintances. Which leads me to think it’s more likely that I appear…less feminine? Or less stereotypically, hetero normatively feminine?

I mean, I ‘m tall and big. Big hands, big limbs, hefty calves and arms and hips. But I also have a pretty classically womanly shape: “like a cello” - as described by a man I dated briefly. I don’t think I’m manly, exactly, although I am not delicate in any way. Would I like to be though? Yes, in some ways I would. I’d like, for example, for my hands to be smaller so that I could actually wear women’s gloves that fit my fingers. It would be nice to have slightly smaller feet, too, since size 10 seems to sell out very quickly (but at least I don’t have to contend with the challenges of being bigger than a 10 - sizes for which shoes are not made unless they are hideously ugly). I would definitely like to have slimmer upper arms, so shirts and tops fit more comfortably. And holy hell I would like to have less annoying hair in places where hair is “not to meant to grow on a woman” (chinhair, anyone?). But I’d like these things, only not at the expense of my strong shoulders and juicy boobs and high arches. So it’s all a bit of this and a bit of that, and who knows what actually constitutes “being feminine”.

It’s such a double…triple…quadruple…edged sword. The very idea of being feminine is at once, for me, incredibly alluring and utterly repulsive. No doubt there’s deep psychological reasons for that, but there’s also the simplicity of not wanting to be fucking categorized, thank you very much. Why can’t I just be exactly what I am? Etc. Etc. Which is a very 2023 thing to say, I’m aware. But I also still belong to that older time where categorizing people was what we did, what we felt we naturally had to do in order to make sense of our world and our surroundings. So - yes - I define myself as female and I am happy enough to be a woman. But what being a woman means, in 2023, is less clear to me. And also, as I get older, it seems as though it becomes somewhat less relevant? Or maybe it’s that as I get older, and get more responsibility in my working life and find harmony in my personal life, the need to belong to a certain category seems less important.

These days I think I’m more “Cate”. Cate the Wife. Cate the Aunt. Cate the Boss. Cate the Friend. Cate the Public Servant. Cate the Sage. Cate the Football-Watching-Banter-Flipping-Buddy. Cate the Gymrat. Cate the So Tired So Old So Crumpled Up In A Heap With No Bandwidth Left But To Scroll Wanly Through Instagram Tapping A Heart On Every Non-ad Contribution.

By which I mean that I’m a whole lot of other disparate identities other than “female”, and I obviously always have been. And it seems that different identities come forward and retreat at different times in my life for a whole host of different reasons. These days my femininity is more important to me in the ways it feeds my empathy and relationship with other women in the ways that we are women and what that means for ourselves and our bodies. And for my relationship, too, certainly, but really only because we have ascribed our genders as we have and not because we necessarily need each other to perform Male or Female to each other. But then I also very, very much enjoyed Friday when I took myself to the mall and spent some of my hard earned allowance on new (pretty!) clothes and skin care and makeup.

It’s still an unequal world, and one in which women are still subjugated and oppressed in ways we as a humanity should have grown beyond. But that’s a much deeper topic and perhaps quite separate to “femininity”. So what is it? And like everything when we get to the point, femininity is whatever you think it is.

[lystring]

sry long rant abt dumb dreams below I just needed to get it down

so I managed to fall asleep after that. and during those two hours I remember two dreams:

so night between wed n thu I slept for 11 hours and had another long ass dream about my ex (which is mostly just annoying cus sure we were together for 6 years but we've been broken up for almost as long and it was an amicable breakup that should've happened much sooner im not sure what my brain feels the need to process still about that bt whatever) and I thought to myself Again? like why cant i dream about some made up lover or maybe at leeast my last situationship that Im still a bit hung up on (last one kinda sarcastically bt also not cus I miss him lol) but apparently my brain decided to listen to me for the first time ever, but also in ofc the worst way ever.

because last night I barely slept at all, and the first part of the night I slipped in n out of sleep and a Super Fucked Up nightmare that was basically just beat for beat a literal horror movie where me and some guy were trapped on a small island outside the coast of Finland that we both had travelled to alone independently. and we were being held prisoners in a rundown house by a coven of witches or some other supernatural beings, like three super creepy pale blonde old women that were like forcing us to be a part of their "family" wearing the same clothes and eating "dinner" with us every evening and sleeping in childrens beds and the whole dream was me and this guy developing this really close emotional bond out of survival instinct and trauma. there was like this one point where he went into a part of the house that they told us not to go into and as punishment he just started growing painful mushrooms put of his skin on his face and I like. the fucking irl anxiety and fear I had waking up briefly for that was just fucking surreal. we managed to get them off and I literally told him to "please use my face wash" to avoid this problem. like ok funny girl haha. anyway we finally managed to escape and im not gonna go through every detail but honestly it would make a good horror movie that id be too afraid to watch. also it was so fucking uncomfortable for me that I had to get up and have a cigarette because I didn't wanna fall into the same nightmare loop that I'd been in for the last 4 hours or so.

one semi-realistic attempt at being cathartic about my last situationship (sorry to use that word but not sure what else to call it like we were dating we were never a Couple u know) where like. I was in very intimate but ofc dream absurd moments with him but I also got to say everything that I have been feeling and have been wanting to say to him. and in the dream our meeting is sparked by me drunkenly texting him from our work phone, which he responded to even tho he hasn't responded to my last irl (also in dream) texts from my own phone. and. like it was ofc surreal and confusing but also. it makes me wanna try one last time. which is dumb i know but. idk. like I said I kinda not kind jokingly asked my brain for this dream and it sure delivered thanks.

the last dream was a full on surreal chaotic fantasy stress dream where I had to juggle both work at a hotel in a dystopian world and at the same time a relationship with a woman I'm pretty sure is an amalgamation of all the straight women I've ever had hopeless crushes on but this time she was into me so ;) it was also right before I had to get up for work so it was way too short thanks brain fuck off

[a-steamy-roll]

Thanks for responding to my previous ask. I’m still in high school. Did you always feel like you were trans? Like did you have a hard time with it while growing up like I am? Idk how old you are, I guess I was just assuming. I go to a rural school and I’m just kind of alone in this. Actually, weirdly enough the only person I’ve really been able to talk to about it is my ex girlfriend. We dated back in 8th grade and i told her I thought maybe I was pan or gay and she was very chill about it and we are still best friends and I’ve told her I think maybe I’m trans or something, but maybe it really is just a phase. A lot of people talk about dysphoria and I’ve definately felt for a while now like i just do not fit into any masculine boxes, but maybe I’m just feminine. She’s kind of a tom boy anyway so she’s jokingly grossed out by girly things, but I like girly things. I never had them growing up because I only have brothers. There’s the internet, which has been helpful. But a lot of people are really popular and feel unapproachable, and I’ve followed your page for a while and you post a lot of funny stuff so I was like, maybe this girl gets me. It’s confusing. I’d like to hear your story I guess, maybe it gets less confusing after high school.

So since around middle school I had thoughts about how I'd rather be a girl, but I just denied it every time I thought about it because I also grew up in a rural area. I tried to be masculine as possible for years and years expecting to feel like I was good looking and desirable. I just never felt that way. I've always hated my short hair, body hair, my facial hair, my big nose, my broad shoulders, my small hips, my square frame, etc. All of it just made my skin crawl. Still does. Then the pandemic hit and I just felt so jealous of all the people that transitioned during it and finally accepted that I was trans. Since 2020 I've been slowly getting feelers out and coming out to friends and family. I've crossdressed a few times before but never with people I know. Now I'm finally looking at going on hrt and being fully out to everyone important.

My advice for you is that once you know you're trans and you're confident, there's never going to be a good time to transition. The devil on your shoulder will tell you "what if my family disowns me and I'm not independent yet?" And that's going to be a risk you'll have to take. If you can, speak with an aunt or uncle you know is safe and come out to them on the stipulation they keep it a secret. Then ask if you can live with them if you get kicked out. The devil will say "how will I get a job?" And you're going to have to deal with shitty hiring managers. The devil will say "what if I get fired from my job?" And you know what, there are other jobs and unemployment is a thing. The devil will say "I'll be bullied at school." And you'll find friends. They might be losers, but they're your losers and that's an even stronger friendship than one that can drop you just because you became a girl.

And you may be right that you could just be feminine, but this is going to be the best time to come to a decision. You don't need to go all the way either. You choose what kinds of treatments you want. You can just dress in women's clothes, you can go on hrt, you can get vaginoplasty, you can get voice training, you can get vocal surgery, you can get electrolysis. You can do any combination of these things and more. It's all what feels right to you. Now, I can't really tell for you but it really comes down to, would you be more comfortable if you were a girl? If so you've got yourself a journey ahead of you and decisions to make.

[whimsicaldragonette]

Blog Blitz and Arc Review: A Love by Design by Elizabeth Everett (The Secret Scientists of London #3)

Welcome to my stop on the A Love by Design Blog Blitz with Berkley Publishing. (This is also posted on my Wordpress book review blog Whimsical Dragonette.)

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Publication Date: January 17, 2023

Synopsis:

You couldn't design a better hero than the very eligible and extremely charming Earl Grantham. Unless, of course, you are Margaret Gault, who wants nothing to do with the man who broke her youthful heart. Widowed and determined, Margaret Gault has returned to Athena's Retreat and the welcoming arms of her fellow secret scientists with an ambitious plan in mind: to establish England's first woman-owned engineering firm. But from the moment she sets foot in London her plans are threatened by greedy investors and--at literally every turn--the irritatingly attractive Earl Grantham, a man she can never forgive. George Willis, the Earl Grantham, is thrilled that the woman he has loved since childhood has returned to London. Not as thrilling, however, is her decision to undertake an engineering commission from his political archnemesis. When Margaret's future and Grantham's parliamentary reforms come into conflict, Grantham must use every ounce of charm he possesses--along with his stunning good looks and flawless physique, of course--to win Margaret over to his cause. Facing obstacles seemingly too large to dismantle, will Grantham and Margaret remain forever disconnected or can they find a way to bridge their differences, rekindle the passion of their youth, and construct a love built to last?

*Author info, My rating and review, Favorite Quotes, and Excerpt below the cut.

About the Author:

Photo of Elizabeth Everett from her Goodreads profile

Elizabeth Everett lives in upstate New York with her family. She likes going for long walks or (very) short runs to nearby sites that figure prominently in the history of civil rights and women's suffrage. Her series is inspired by her admiration for rule breakers and belief in the power of love to change the world.

My Rating: ★★★★

My Review:

I loved many things about this novel. First would have to be the characters. It was fun to revisit the characters of Athena's Retreat, and I loved seeing George and Arthur "fighting" (in other words: expressing best-friendship) about George's increasingly ridiculous gifts for Violet & Arthur's baby. I loved George as a character in general - he was so sweet and funny and had an absolute heart of gold. He cared and was trying to do good with the title he'd never wanted. I loved Margaret as well, though she was a bit pricklier and also incredibly stubborn. If she'd let people in and asked for help earlier in the novel I wouldn't have been so frustrated at her decisions… though it also would have meant there would be less story. She is strong and bold and determined and yes, stubborn. I also loved the bit we get of Sam, who I remember loving in the previous book.

This novel really drove home the 'rich and powerful men want to control and dominate women and will do anything to undermine them and keep them from succeeding and keep the status quo' point from previous books -- a point which really hits close to home after watching the events of the past few years unfolding. Much like the real-world events, the events of the novel were infuriating and had me rooting for Maragaret and her friends to prove themselves.

The romance was sweet and one of my favorite kinds -- a second-chance romance between childhood friends / crushes. It was easy to get behind it because George was so very gone on Margaret. He was so in awe of her engineering brain and determined spirit and it was so refreshing, with all the terrible men in the story. They all wanted to crush her beneath their boots for the audacity of being a woman with ideas, and he just wanted to worship her for it. It was clear that Margaret loved him as well -- she just had to get past her stubborn self-reliant independence.

The one thing I could have done without was the sex scenes. There weren't too many -- three, I think? -- but they were very… detailed. Luckily they weren't vital and I could skim them (slowing down to read the dialogue in case it advanced the plot, which it occasionally did). And for me, three sex scenes is three too many. I know I'm in the minority here, and in fact I saw some reviewers lamenting that there weren't enough sex scenes -- which, how? -- so I'm going to chalk it up to just the average romance reader apparently liking to read about sex a lot more than I do and not let it impact my rating.

Margaret also dragged the stubborn independence thing on a liiiiiiittle bit too long, in my opinion, and it bogged down the middle 40% of the book. I think some tightening of the plot there would go a long way toward making this flow better and feel more consistent.

Overall though I really loved it. I love stories with smart women and men with hearts of gold, and this delivered that beautifully.

*Thanks to NetGalley and Berkeley for providing an early copy for review.

Favorite Quotes:

The work came first. She mustn’t ever forget when everyone abandoned her, the work was always there.

---

As the sun battled to punch through the haze of coal smut hanging in the damp London air, Grantham sat in shadows, jealous of the lone shaft of light that fell through the window and landed on Margaret’s left cheek.

---

Everything would be fine if you do the work. Do not aim too high, do not set yourself out to be noticed. If you were a woman in a man’s world, moving forward meant bending to their desires or just doing the work.

---

Yes, and imagine what they would think if Margaret failed? If they learned she spent every day unsure of her talents and worried about exposure? Shouldn’t she feel like a role model if she was going to be one?

---

“I have always loved her,” he said. “I breathe her and bleed her, and if you open me up, my heart is the shape of Margaret Gault. I have loved her from the moment she knocked me to the ground; a blow from which I have never tried to recover. Of course I love her.”

---

Whether that step leads you to where you were always meant to be depends on how you define courage. Is it the tenacity to forge ahead no matter the obstacles, or the ability to ask for help when those obstacles seem insurmountable? Or is it both?

Excerpt:

A LOVE BY DESIGN by Elizabeth Everett

Berkley Romance Trade Paperback Original | On sale January 17, 2023

Excerpt

Maggie had returned. Of course, she was now known as Madame Margaret Gault. Try as he might, Grantham could never twist his tongue around the name. Almost his whole life, he'd called her Maggie. His Maggie. From upside down, he watched as she turned the corner of the carriage house, the wind unfurling the hem of her simple bronze pelisse. A brown capelet hung about her shoulders, and a matching muff hid her hands. Catching sight of him, she paused, tilting her head so he caught a glimpse of lush auburn curls peeking out from beneath her tea-colored bonnet trimmed with bright red berries. Margaret's fair skin showed no hint of the freckles that had once plagued her every summer, and thick brown lashes shielded her hazel eyes. She was unusually tall for a woman; nevertheless, she moved with effortless grace, and not even the blazing clash of colors adorning Violet next to her could detract from her beauty. For she was a beauty, Margaret Gault. Once wild and graceless, she'd bloomed into a woman of elegant refinement. A woman who was more than met the eye. A woman who would rather feast on glass than give him the time of day. For eleven years, the first day of summer meant Margaret would be waiting for him beneath the willow where they first met. She and Violet attended the Yorkshire Academy for the Education of Exceptional Young Women together. While Violet came home to her large, affectionate-and very loud-family, Margaret had no one waiting for her at home. Her father had died of a stroke when she was ten and her mother had little interest in Margaret's whereabouts or well-being. Violet and Grantham had been Margaret's family. The three of them had been the best of friends until one hot afternoon when Margaret had smiled a certain way and the ground went out beneath his feet. A year later he was soldiering in Canada and Margaret lived in Paris and their summers together were nothing but a memory he pulled around himself like a blanket on cold lonely nights. "Good afternoon, Grantham," Violet greeted him, seemingly unaffected by his headfirst dive into her rosebushes. She wore a shocking yellow day dress beneath a burgundy velvet paletot and atop her head sat a garish blue bonnet topped with a life-sized stuffed parrot. Swallowing a barrelful of curses, Grantham tried wriggling out of the bushes, every single thorn piercing his flesh a hundredfold as Margaret stared without saying a word. "Ahem." He cleared his throat as he managed to get to his feet despite being trapped in the center of one of the bushes. As he pulled a branch from his hair, a shower of wrinkled brown rose petals drifted down his shoulders. "You are especially . . . vibrant today, Violet. I brought this for Baby Georgie." He thrust the torn, dirtied rabbit at Violet, who received it with a bemused air. One of the buttons had come off and the silk was stained green and brown. "Madame Gault," he said, bowing to Margaret. "So lovely to see you again." No matter how strongly Grantham willed it, Margaret did not speak to him in return. Instead, she bent her knee a scant inch in a desultory curtsey, her lush mouth twisted like the clasp of a coin purse, no doubt to hold inside the names she was calling him in her head. He had a good idea what some of them were, considering he most likely had taught them to her. Grantham hadn't seen Margaret for thirteen years until their reunion-if one could call it that-a year and a half ago in the small parlor of Athena's Retreat. He hadn't exactly met the moment then, either-although to be fair, there'd been a hedgehog involved. The handful of times he encountered her since, she'd avoided meeting his eyes with her own, as though he were an inconsequential shadow cast by their past. Someone to be dismissed. Someone who had broken her heart and whom she would never forgive. "See who is come to live in England for good." Violet linked her arm with Margaret's and beamed at her friend. This was news.

When Margaret had come to stay at Athena's Retreat a year and half ago to complete an engineering project for her father-in-law's firm, Grantham had hoped she'd stay but she returned to Paris after three months. He'd asked Violet if Margaret might ever return, but Violet had doubted it. "She's one of the only women engineers in Europe with an excellent reputation. Why give up a dream hard fought to come back to England and fight all over again?" Violet had asked. Something had changed, however, and now Margaret was home. His heart leapt in his chest and the bitter orange flavor of hope flooded his mouth. "Clean yourself up and come inside for tea," Violet said to him now. Margaret did not echo the invitation. Instead, she tightened her hold on a stylish carpet bag and accompanied Violet and Arthur into the building. There are moments in life when the world shifts as though a door has opened somewhere out of sight. Whether a person runs toward that opened door or not depends on how fast they're stuck in place. Grantham considered for a moment how painful it would be to get himself unstuck. Although the tangle of branches in front of him twisted menacingly, he pulled a deep breath of resolution into his lungs alongside the scents of rosehips and crushed greenery. Gritting his teeth, he made his way through the thorns toward the open door.

Excerpted from A Love by Design by Elizabeth Everett Copyright © 2023 by Elizabeth Everett. Excerpted by permission of Berkley. All rights reserved. 

[dean-walker]

Dean raised his eyebrows at her as she seemed to ponder the idea of it, "You just let me know when the next Ricci family party is and I'll be there" he half joked, though he would've actually gone if she wanted him there. He didn't mind, he was the type of guest who commanded attention so he knew it would get her parents eyes off her for at least one evening. "I can answer questions, I don't mind" he smiled before nodding, "Oh yeah it'll be easy, because women love a man with a sense of humor" he said, pointing at himself. He was well aware that him being funny was one of the main reasons why people kept him around. Dean shook his head at her next statement, "No- no, you're wrong. I make my intentions very clear, I'm not leading anyone on" he said, which was at least true that he was always very honest about what he was looking for. Unfortunately, some women still did want more from him, but he never noticed when someone started liking him. "Hey now- I'm a switch, get that right" he corrected her jokingly, "And besides, I think everyone is attracted to assertive women. How could you not be?" he smiled, knowing that a majority of women in his life were head strong and independent.

Isla smacked her lips together, “Well, should I ever become that desperate—“ Which she kind of was, but she also knew he would be a man of his words with the threats he were making, “I hope you know they are going to bombard you with questions about marriage and how many kids you want.” At least that was what she was met with at the moment. That, and the reminder that her clock apparently was ticking. “You think it’d be easier than just being your normal charming self? Hm, I’ll make a note of that and consider it should I ever end up finding someone wanting to lock me down.” She chuckled while shaking her head in amusement. “You keep telling yourself that Dean, but I am sure at least some of those women are secretly hoping for more. And that being said; no. I am not one of them.” Wanting to make that clear. Raising a brow at him again, she shook her head. “Of course you do.” She spoke sarcastically. “I had a feeling you were a sub deep down.”