#it’s just me and the anxiety disorder my parents were sure I��d grow out of against the world

[terubakudan]

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi - Book Review and Impressions

(light reflection) Perfect :D Hoping Tumblr doesn't flag me for this xD

Ok, I'm going to start this off with 'this is probably the first and only book review I'm going to do' xD Because I rarely do read books now, and just as rarely buy them. Also, I would have preferred to buy the English version but alas they only had the Chinese version in stock ^^"

Stumbling upon this on the Internet, I was immediately compelled to buy this, as if I knew I would love it and that Nagata's story would resonate with me.

【Short Version】 I can't recommend this book enough, it doesn't matter what sexuality you are or from what culture are you. Nagata makes sure to tell an honest and 'naked' (without embellishments) portrait of her own personal experiences. How she herself is a college drop-out (having only graduated from high school), pushed herself to live/work while struggling with depression and eating disorders, not being sure of what she wants and feeling that she doesn't 'deserve' things, realizing her own sexuality in that she likes girls, and just not feeling 'good enough'...all through her cutesy and unassuming art style.

I will say again though, cutesy art style aside, the book deals with some very heavy topics. Nagata is very honest and doesn't shy away from the gritty details, and I admire her all the more for doing so. Many yaoi and yuri comics often portray an unrealistic and fetishistic view of the LGBTQ+ community whereas Nagata's story is much more grounded and sincere. This is not an easy read, but it's not an overly depressive one either. Nagata literally struggled for years with her mental health, but ultimately found light on the other side. Not mainly through the help of others, but through her own choice to forgive and love herself.

5/5⭐ Definitely recommend and would read again. And if I could, I'd give Nagata a big hug and a heartfelt 'thank you' for sharing her story.

【Long Version】 While it's written primarily from an Asian (particularly Japanese) perspective, Nagata's experiences are ones that should resonate with anyone who has been through the same or similar things, regardless of one's personal background. And I myself, while being fortunate enough to not have gone through eating disorders or self harm, am no exception.

I grew up in an Asian (Taiwanese/Chinese Filipino) household, while my parents weren't Tiger Parents (no offense but fuck Amy Chua for thinking that's a proper way of raising your children), they still had certain expectations on their children: to find a good husband/wife, have a good education, have a 'stable' career, etc. And while I love my parents very much, I'd be lying if I said there weren't any times where I felt they were smothering me, there weren't any times where they kept on nagging and bugging me for very trivial details. My biggest pet peeve: guilt-tripping me just for wanting to spend time alone.

"For me, my parents' opinion of me is absolute." (NOTE: While I won't be providing exact translations of the excerpts I used here, I'll do my best to summarize the gist of them.)

At the same time, I cared very much about their opinion of me. I made it a point to do well in school, to do things according to their wishes, and just like Nagata, I didn't know what I wanted. This even extended to caring about others' opinion of me, more than my own. In my freshman year of college, I 'went along' with being friends with someone, who while was nice to me, turned out to be a manipulative bitch skilled in passive-aggressiveness xD Being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, it was hard to fit in since people always treated me differently, it didn't occur to me I could be choosy with friends, I thought as long as they were 'nice' to me, that would do.

Asian culture is largely a collective one, where we define ourselves by our relationships with others, compared with Western culture (primarily America, I'll be using America as a reference point) where individualism is absolute, where you define yourself as you like. In Asia, it's also normal for children to still live in the same house as their parents well into adulthood, compared with Americans who are expected to move out the house once they finish high school or start college, and they're quite literally 'on their own', having to pay their own tuition, rent, etc. Where I live (Taiwan), it's normal for adults to continue relying on their parents financially well until college. Nagata for instance, while saying her parents really make her feel so pressured, is grateful that she still had a home to stay in (and she's 28!).

If you ask me though, neither a collectivist culture or an individualist culture is absolutely good nor bad. Each have their own pros and cons, and both Asian culture and Western culture could learn a thing or two from each other.

After going through quite a few job applications, one of the interviewers tells her "Ganbatte!" (You can do it!) after Nagata tells her what she really wants is to be a manga artist.

And sometimes that's all we need really, a small gesture or kind remark can do wonders. Even if there's no base or reason for it, it's something worth believing in.

I often have doubts if I'm doing what I really want, if I chose the right major for college, if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm 'good enough'. I didn't grow up with much self-esteem as a kid, and often derived my value from others. But even at my lowest times, a 'you're doing ok' was very reassuring to me, be it from family, strangers, or people I care about. Sometimes that's exactly what we need, it may be small but it could be the difference between continuing to wallow in depression or re-evaluating and choosing to be better to oneself.

I find it's really important to know, that however alone you may feel sometimes, there are other people out there going through the exact same thing. It's something universal, and while a lot of things are really unfair in life, each person has their own lot or burden to deal with. I have a Taiwanese friend who, while being more financially well-off than me, has terrible parents. And I mean parents who are quite so literally toxic, unsupportive of her, and would outright say the worst things to their own daughter.

How depression and anxiety can feel sometimes, we can literally feel like it's impossible to breathe and be in a state of disconnection from the world.

"The sounds that invaded my ears occupied my empty brain, making me unable to think at all."

If you only did what your parents asked you to do, wouldn't days like those be very painful? In the end, only you can understand what you really want.

Nagata's art style is one I would describe as simple, cute, and effective. I personally think had her story been drawn in a more serious style, it would have been even harder to read, much less finish. It's also a choice that has artistic appeal to me, serious subject matter juxtaposed with a 'kawaii' art style.

Nagata also depicts very well her mental state and thoughts throughout her struggle and journey to self-actualization. Depression is a really tough thing to deal with, and sometimes we don't even realize that we have it or if we do, refuse to acknowledge it. In Asian cultures especially, mental health has always been something of a taboo subject and there is a very heavy social stigma associated with it. Nagata herself even said that her parents seemingly refused to acknowledge that their daughter's mental health was in a state of distress. In Japan, there is a concept called gaman (我慢), which is described as 'enduring the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity', and while it is portrayed as an ideal virtue that inspires perseverance, it can be a source of heavy pressure for others. Gaman also means that you are expected to suppress whatever emotion or negative feelings you have, often for the sake of others and no matter how tough the situation becomes for you. And while I agree that through gaman you can become more selfless for others, it shouldn't have to come at the expense of your own well-being.

I was quite fortunate to have grown up in a more liberal Asian household, but even when it came to mental health, our family also adopted the same kind of attitude towards it, by carrying on as if nothing was wrong, or just not talking about it. And to be honest, there were numerous times I wished we had been more open about what was bothering ourselves at that time. Talking and being open about your feelings is not a 'weakness' but something incredibly brave to do, and it's my wish for that to slowly become more acceptable in Asian cultures, which I know is kind of a stretch, but it doesn't hurt to hope.

Nagata makes the decision to clean herself up, by taking a bath everyday, habitually exercising, and no longer wearing worn-out clothes.

Depression especially can be a bitch. It deprives you even of your physiological needs, like your need for food. Nagata had to struggle with that on top of eating disorders for a long ten years. She ate so little and even felt that she didn't 'deserve' to eat, and at one point, anorexia became hyperphagia, and she would feel so guilty for eating almost expired/expired food. Things that would otherwise be simple to do also end up becoming difficult/impossible to do, like taking care of your personal hygiene, getting up from bed, doing simple tasks etc.

Thankfully, after Nagata realizes that she never truly 'valued herself', she starts to turn over a new leaf. Even just starting with cleaning herself up, she takes this as a form of 'valuing oneself' and her mood starts to improve, which her family also points out. In the end, taking care of yourself is not a selfish thing to do, it can even make you a better person who is there for others.

Nagata meets up with the female escort she hired, as a means to experience human sexuality, which she had always repressed her curiosity for and treated as a taboo subject. (NOTE: And I'm glad that she met a really nice girl for her first time too!)

Sex and sexuality is also a subject that I feel is hard to talk about sometimes, which I think also owes itself to most Asian cultures being relatively conservative about it. I myself have only recently identified as bisexual, which I attribute to internalized homophobia, not wanting to admit I was into girls too. And to be honest, 'coming out' is something I'm still uncomfortable about, because I don't want to risk my relationship with my family and it's still something I would choose to be selective about with colleagues and friends. I'm grateful though that as crazy the Internet can be sometimes, it can be quite accepting and tolerant towards things that we wouldn't otherwise discuss with even the closest people in our circle. Nagata's memoir ended up capturing the hearts of many readers ever since she first published it on Pixiv.

Exploring your sexuality doesn't have to be scary, it should be something exciting and liberating. Nagata decided to take matters into her own hands, and while the days leading up to the encounter made her really nervous and she even considered not going through with it at all, she willed herself to continue, because she wanted to do this for herself, it would be pointless if she gave up after coming so far in her decision to value herself.

And it's these series of actions that she decided to do that ultimately led to her life turning out for the better, it gave her the courage to do what she always wanted: to be a manga artist, which lead to the publishing of this autobiographical memoir, something she wanted to create that would 'make people want to buy this book' and from her own preference for reading stories that 'speak of secrets people wouldn't want to tell others'.

Nagata mentions what she calls 'honey': something that varies from person to person. It could be your reason for living, that thing that drives/pushes you, or even your sense of belonging. It may not be something permanent, but you can always find yourself a new one. (she mentions the last time she had her 'honey' was during her high school days, and while she has grown apart from the friends she made, she has found her new 'honey' in the form of being a full-time manga artist.)

Nagata stumbles and trips a lot on her way to being a better version of herself, but who doesn't? She admits to things not necessarily being smooth, but at least she's doing better than before. And it's that decision to at least try that counts. We don't have to be perfect, we're all human after all.

TL;DR My Lesbian Experience With Loneliness is a honest, down-to-earth, and ultimately hopeful memoir about the struggles of mental health and learning about one's sexuality. It's an amazing book, and very much worth the buy.

A big thank you if you read through all of this too. I know it's a mess and writing isn't exactly my strong point, but hopefully I've convinced some people out there to give this book a read! Please feel free to share your thoughts and I'd appreciate it very much too if you reblog/like this post.

[joyful-soul-collector]

🎉Week 3: December 23-31🎉

Ten o’Clock Wake Up Call by @skeeter-110​ (Pt. 10 of Twelve Days of Christmas)

Summary: It's Christmas morning in the Stark-Rhodes' household.

Relationships/Tropes: Ironhusbands, Irondad, Papa Rhodey, Avengers Family, Kid Peter, Christmas

Review:  I loved the big snuggle pile at the end, and how excited Peter was for his dads to open their presents! It showed how even as a little kid, Peter's always cared more about others than he has himself

🎉

Eleven Laps Around The Rink by @skeeter-110​ (Pt. 11 of Twelve Days of Christmas)

Summary: The Stark-Rhodes family goes ice skating with the Avengers

Relationships/Tropes: Ironhusbands, Irondad, Papa Rhodey, Avengers Family, Kid Peter, Ice Skating

Review: I loved how this showed Peter learning to skate, going from holding his parents hands, to skating from Tony to Rhodey, and finally to skating all on his own! Very cute

🎉

Twelve New Months To Look Forward To by @skeeter-110​ (Pt. 12 of Twelve Days of Christmas)

Summary: The Stark-Rhodes' family celebrates the new year.

Relationships/Tropes:  Ironhusbands, Irondad, Papa Rhodey, Kid Peter, New Years Eve

Review: A perfect ending to the sweetest holiday series! It was soft and loving and I'm so happy to have read about this happy little family :D

🎉

The Way I Love You ch. 3 by @littlemissagrafina

Summary: Peter Parker had a vibrant, happy presence. Anytime that he was around became brighter, happier. It was just the way it was. He was always moving, talking, just living, so when the lightness that his loved ones were so accustomed to seeing started fading, it scared them. A still silence built itself around Peter, snuffing out his usual exuberant voice. Dark and stifling. Those around him could only hope it wouldn't consume him. That it wouldn't take his smile. 

Or 

Five times that someone see's Peter struggling and one time he calls for help.

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Uncle Ben & Peter Parker, Aunt May & Peter Parker, Spideychelle, Depressed Peter Parker, Hurt/Comfort

Review: This story really shows how sometimes the best way to help someone who's depressed or just having a bad day is to do something small to make things a little easier for them. You often can't get rid of all their worries through a deep heart-to-heart and you certainly can protect them from everything yourself, but doing something small can make a bigger difference than you think

🎉

Peter hides an injury prompt by @jen27ny

Summary: Peter, who already downplays every injury, takes the hint too close and hides a serious injury, and the Avengers learn the hard way why Tony really fusses every time he got hurt

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Avengers Family, Hiding an Injury, Crackfic

Review: Peter hiding his injuries is one of my favorite tropes, and this story did it really well! I love how protective everyone was of Peter by the end, and how they realized Tony wasn't exaggerating when he said they had to make absolutely sure Peter was fine haha

🎉

Peter has ADHD prompt by @jen27ny

Summary: Peter’s ADHD starts to affect his grades

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Peter Parker Has ADHD

Review: This story was so sweet! I myself have ADHD so I love stories about Peter with ADHD and this one was great! I relate to Peter in that I sucked at Spanish, I've always dreaded going to that class haha. Very nice story!

🎉

The Perfect Name by @honestmischief

Summary: Rhodey and Tony are drunk and in love

Relationships/Tropes: Ironhusbands, Drunk

Review: This ficlet was adorable! I loved how affectionate Tony and Rhodey were with each other, and how Rhodey said Tony was "too cute to be sad", it was so cute

🎉

Christmas Pranks by @skeeter-110

Summary: Tony wraps up random things for little Peter to open while Steve records it all

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Stony, Papa Steve, Christmas, Pranks, Kid Peter

Review:  THIS WAS SO ADORABLE! I can't get enough of Cute Kid Peter, and this had to have been Cute Kid Peter overload honestly, I think I got cavities from the amount of fluff in this little drabble. Very worth it, excuse me, I have a trip to the dentist I need to make

🎉

Peter Calls Tony Dad (B99 Style) by @jen27ny

Summary: Pretty much exactly what the title says

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Avengers Family, Peter Calls Tony Dad

Review: This story was HILARIOUS, I loved that moment in B99, and this fic emulated the silliness and teasing perfectly, and the bit about them going to fix the video game was great! I loved this!

🎉

santa, come again by @jean-and-diet-coke

Summary: Christmas morning with the Starks!

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Rhodey & Tony, Rhodey & Peter, Bio Dad Tony, Christmas

Review:  This story was super adorable! I loved seeing how affectionate the three of them were with each other, and the softness of the story was perfect for the christmas season! I loved seeing both Tony and Rhodey be so gentle with Peter, and Peter being a sweet babbly child in return!

🎉

“Aces come out of the deck” by Miss__Red 

Summary: “I’m ace,“ he blurred out, avoiding to look at Wade and staring down on his plate instead. “I’m sorry, if that’s a deal breaker for you and you wanna leave that’s okay, I understand,” Peter said quietly.

Or the one where Peter tells Wade he’s asexual and Wade is not reacting like Peter thought he would

Relationships/Tropes: Spideypool, Asexual Peter Parker, Pansexual Wade Wilson, Coming Out, Soft Wade Wilson

Review: This story was so so nice to read, actually made me cry a little. I love stories where characters are accepting of someone's asexuality and this is definitely added to one of my favorites. Super cute and super sweet

🎉

“My Own ‘Spidey Sense’ Was Tingling” by @baloobird (Pt. 2 of The New Normal)

Summary: It has been a year since Peter Parker was diagnosed with Pediatric Multiple Sclerosis and he—like everyone with this disease—has to get an MRI scan done every year so the doctors can monitor his condition.

The scan itself is tedious but he’s used to it, it’s not his first one by any means. Peter knows what to expect, how loud it’ll be, how long it takes.

But this is the first scan where he’ll be completely by himself.

(Might be best to read the first story before this one)

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Uncle Happy, Sickfic, Chronic Illness, Neurological Disorders

Review:  Another great story about MS by @baloobird! This story was really well written, and I liked how Peter's anxiety over the MRI scan was shown and described, and I loved seeing Peter's thoughts about everything that happened! Very sweet story :D

🎉

50 Christmas Ornaments My True Love Gave To Me by @joyful-soul-collector (Pt. 10 of Irondad Oneshots)

Summary: It was Christmastime in the Stark-Rhodes-Potts’ household, with Tony, Rhodey, Pepper, Peter, and Morgan all sitting at the table. Jingle Bells was playing quietly in the background, and each one of them was working on decorating a clear plastic christmas bauble, a growing pile of colorful ornaments in the center of the table.

OR

The Iron Family gets carried away making Christmas ornaments, and Peter talks to his dad about asexuality

Relationships/Tropes: Irondad, Papa Rhodey, Mom Pepper, Peter & Morgan, Pepperhony (Pepper/Rhodey/Tony), Christmas, Asexual Peter Parker, Asexual Tony Stark, Bisexual Pepper Potts, Pansexual James “Rhodey” Rhodes, Polyamorous Relationship

Review: Yes, this is my own fic and I’m recommending it because I like it, and I worked hard on it haha. Anyway I like the amount of representation I put in this one, I remember starting this and being like “should I have Tony with Pepper or Rhodey?” and then decided fuck it, why not both? Both is good :D

🎉

If you look at any these stories, be sure to show the author your appreciation with a comment/kudos/reblog where applicable!

Click here for more fanfic rec lists!

[mcrmadness]

I’m just wondering about ADHD again and how the doctors here say that there’s no need for testing me for ADHD because I had “no signs of ADHD in my childhood”. Well, I was born in 1991. The whole terminology and the knowledge over ADHD was different back then.

I was talking about this with my mom a couple of days ago and she said that I had troubles with homework - not that I would have not understood them, I just had such a hard time focusing on them. She said that she constantly had to remind me that I need to focus on the homework and not draw doodles or do other stuff. She sais she asked even from the school how deal with a child who cannot focus on their homework and from school they just said “Make sure the table is completely empty so there is no distractions.” but my mom told them “Do you really think that helps? All they need is a piece or paper and a pencil.” and those were the tools I had - my school books and pencil. I didn’t need distractions on the table in order to get distracted from homework.

She then also said that back then no one even talked about ADHD. It was still known as MBD aka Minimal Brain Dysfunction Syndrome and since I was not “stupid” and definitely did not show signs of learning/developmental disabilities - in fact I was learning faster than other kids - there was no need to worry about this syndrome. (Nowadays it’s apparently removed from the Finnish list but can still be used as an umbrella term for things like ADHD etc.)

I was trying to google this term now, to understand when was the term replaced by “ADHD”. I only found that this was done in the US already in the late 80s but I could not find anything about Finland, but I know for sure that what comes to things like mental disorders and neurodiversity, Finland has always been running late when compared to e.g. the US... I could only find some sort of Finnish ontology and thesaurus website and it says that the article about MBD was created in 1986, but the article about ADHD only in 2000. That would mean I was 9 years old (and my social anxiety and selective mutism were starting to really grow), and ADHD was still considered very much the “disorder of hyperactive boys”. This website does not even know the term ADD so I have no clue when did they start using it for the first time (in Finland). I just know that my sister got the diagnose along with an Asperger’s Syndrome somewhere in the mid 2000s. Now I’m starting to feel like I want to go find some old books about psychiatry just to see when did they start talking about ADHD and ADD in Finland and how did they describe it as BEFORE they discovered it exists also in girls (and since I’m afab, I most likely have the inattentive version), because this is just driving me so crazy.

I just... I don’t know. I just feel stupid because why is it me who needs to read about the history of psychiatry? Shouldn’t it be the psychiatrists doing so? But I do wonder what would he say if I went to him and really said that “no wonder they never suspected AD(H)D in me as a child when the term literally did not exists in Finland yet”. I just feel like I need to start writing down something like a book about my experiences. Collect EVERYTHING I can find that I have written over the past 15 years in the internet and copypaste them into a file and print this out to him. My brain just empties itself when I’m supposed to talk to a doctor but then I just face these things in everydaylife 24/7. And he just wants to give me antidepressants for anxiety. Okay, he did offer me occupational therapy too but I am afraid that it will just... kill my creativity again. I mean, look at my “timetable” for one week if we think I’d have a random person visit me once a week, let’s say e.g. on Tuesdays:

Monday: Nothing - the resting day after weekend aka no way I’m gonna get anything done. Know that there will be occupational therapy next day - don’t get anything done because mentally trying to prepare yourself for that. Tuesday: Hypothetical occupational therapy. Not possible to get anything done beforehand. Afterwards you’re so tired and the day is done so just sit around the flat and feel like going crazy from bored but be unable to do anything because TIRED. Wednesday: Nothing - the resting day after the therapy. The next day is a grocery store day. Start mentally preparing for that. Can’t do shit because of that. Thursday: Grocery store day. Can’t do shit before or after. Before because can’t start anything in case unable to stop in time - and when having to force a hyperfocus to stop when it’s not stopped on its own, it makes me so irritable and absent minded because can’t think of anything else but that one thing I was hyperfocusing on. Friday: Nothing - rest day after grocery store day. Mentally prepare for the weekend on which I usually always visit my parents on both days. They live in the same city, just less than 2km away but I still can’t start anything before that really, and I come back home so late I won’t be able to do much. Weekend: Visit parents on both days.

And then repeat. So when am I gonna draw? Edit videos? Write? I always do the creative things at night because PEACE and because my brain just works better at nighttime - ALWAYS has. I even found a diary entry I had written when I was 13 or 14 and I had been fighting with my parents because I always did my homework so late and my dad didn’t understand that, and I was then screaming in my diary that they just don’t understand that I am not ABLE to do my homework earlier than in the evening/at night, it’s just not possible to do them right after school.

Already now as I have about 3-4 free days in a week, sometimes even 5, I feel like I need more free time from my free time. I’m constantly thinking about how I want to do this and that, like I want to draw, write, edit videos, write... they are on the top of my mind 24/7 but still it takes weeks or months to get anything started. I just wrote about this yesterday that I feel like I have two moods: either too little time AND energy or too much time but a plenty of energy. There’s no in between. Now I am lucky to have too much time for myself but it also means I have all the time in my hands so I can always procrastinate and do everything the next day because I have time. Which means I won’t do shit, because I have no deadlines, and I start doing those things only when everything lines up perfectly. It’s never a decision to take my sketchbook and start drawing. It’s more of an impulse - I just feel like now it’s the day for drawing and suddenly find myself holding the papers and pencils in my hand.

Same happens with chores, chores just never make me feel good unlike doing one of these fun things. Oh and chores are also something that will make it hard to do the fun things because I kinda... don’t let myself start doing the fun things if I have the not-so-fun things undone. Which means again procrastinating and postponing something like dishes for days. I am not sure where have I got this mentality. Because like... wouldn’t it be a lot smarter to let myself to draw instead when I KNOW I can’t start doing the dishes, instead of punishing myself with “no washing dishes, so no drawing either”? Because as a punishment it does nothing. It does not motivate me with the dishes. They will be there for days or weeks anyway and they will be done only when I get that impulse to finally do them. Or, usually it’s not an impulse even. It’s just me needing food and in order to get food, I need to cook and in order to cook, I need clean pots and pans and in order to get those, well, I need to do the dishes.

I think this mentality partially comes from my school time. I aways knew how to prioritise my homework so that I get them done the most efficiently I could. Which meant that I always made the less-interesting homework first and the homework from subjects I liked, the last. I did this because when I started with the stuff I had harder time focusing on, it made it easier to focus on the interesting stuff. If I had started with the interesting stuff, I’d have had a lot less concentration and energy left for the less interesting homework and the chances of understanding a word of what I read would have been very minimal.

I still pretty much use this with everything I do - work first, fun later. I guess for neurotypicals this is not a big deal and probably something they all do, but my brain really wants to do the fun first and the work never. (By work for myself I mean things like chores etc. When I was actually working, it actually went: work first, fun never - because I was so tired after work I could not do anything that involved brains.) If I start with the fun, I literally will never do the work part. So I have to have the work first, even when it means I will procrastinate with EVERYTHING else too. But that is the only way to get it done at least at some point. It’s just that I feel like my life is nothing but work. I always have to shower, do the dishes, clean the kitchen table or start cooking. (Let alone the rest of the stuff like cleaning the HOME.) It’s a neverending worksite. I barely have time for fun because I don’t let myself to do that because the work is not done yet. But it just... never ends.

I think the reason why I hate chores is because no matter how many times I do them, I still always have to do them again soon. I shower, but I need to shower again in a few days. So it feels like it’s a waste of energy and time! Why to shower now when I have to do that after a couple of days anyway??? I do the dishes but there they will be again in a few days as I keep eating from them! Washing a plate after every use is also not an option - then “it’s just one plate” so it’s easy to put it in the sink because it’s not a big deal to wash it with other plates after a couple of days. Until it’s been 2 weeks and there’s again the rest of my plates in there and I hate my life again because I never remember how much washing the dishes also makes my back hurt but I need clean utensils because food.

But when I create something or play a video game, there is always a finish line and once you get past that, you don’t need to start over UNLESS you want to! When I draw something and it’s finished, it will stay like that! It’s not going anywhere, it won’t fade, I don’t need to draw it ever again if I don’t want to! So it’s not waste of my time, it’s something that will last almost forever. And I love the dopamine rush I get when I look at a finished product, but I don’t have the dopamine rush when I look at my cabinet with clean plates because I know they won’t stay like that forever. They won’t stay like that even for a few days. And that literally kills my motivation with every chore I need to do.

[rpausandwhatifs]

There’s This Guy|| Elliot Drabble

@danhowell-rp

@felixpierp

@shanedawson-rp

Elliot had been fighting it for so long, that it was causing him to lose sleep. He didn’t want to bring it up in family therapy because maybe he could learn how to work through his problems without a trained mental health professional in the room. It wasn’t the best decision, but he had walked himself out of his room and down the stairs. Making sure on the way down that the girl was still outside.

Persi had been doing this futile assignment her therapist gave to her to read a book about personality disorders and anxiety to help her answer her questions and move along in her sessions to a point where she wouldn’t need to take them. They were visiting in London with Bryony, but the three parents had stepped out for a little while and trusted that the two were old enough to look after themselves. A beautiful day, she had her hair out of her ponytail, allowing herself to relax in order to get settled into the book. Criss-cross applesauced under the tree, she viewed the pages and started to fill her head with the words, her long orange locks blowing in the wind. It was a rare and gentle moment for her. 

Elliot watches from the sliding door and begins to think about what he’s about to do. He’s basically giving her (and Persephone) cannon fodder, and he has a hard enough time as it is trying to figure out all of this out. Who knows? It might even be a passing thing but he wanted to test it on someone other than his parents, who he felt like would be uncomfortable at best, and probably disgusted worst-case scenario. Plus, Persi is gay(?), right? It won’t feel weird if he is, but it might be the person; you can’t help who you love, right?

The boy was so tangled in his thoughts that his saunter through the grass made him trip on his own awkward feet, exclaiming before tumbling in front of her. He sighed and stared at the sky a little longer on his back, his entire train of thought derailed.

Look, Elliot! It’s your cousin Harlan!

Baby cousin! Gimme a hug!

...

H-heyy Harlan...coming to babysit?

Yeah, but first I gotta finish my homework, your parents aren’t leaving for a little while...c’mere I’m not a stranger gimme a hug, cuz!

...

Ugh! Your sister snuck out again *sighs*...

*shrugs* You can call Papa and Otosan, and then come back, we can play a game- Oooo! Dibs on the good controller!

Du är så lat! Just go upstairs and get the other on.

The-then I’ll lose...

Then wrestle me for it! Show me how strong you are!

Y-You’re so big! I hate wrestling...

Why do you hate wrestling?

Because Persi is too big and she hurts my arm...

Do you like..wrestle with other boys?

Ew, no...why would I do that?

Cus sometimes boys wrestle! I wrestle with Reiner and stuff.

Again. Not me. Also huge. And ew. 

Okej! Jag fattar!..And stop saying “ew.”

Stop talking other than English.

Make me...*looks at him, raises brows* Jag slår vad om att du inte kommer

Ha-harlan..

Tell me why it’s gross to wrestle boys.

...

“Ellie,” Persi said, “Yo, why are you being weird?...Helllooo!” 

Elliot snapped out of it and turned his head to look at his sister, “Huh?”

“The fuck?!”

“Papa told us not to curse,” he replied, turning his head toward her.

“I don’t care. You came out here, ate shit on my patch of grass, then stared at the clouds...*sighs* What do you want?”

“I think there’s something wrong with me.”

“*scoffs* Oh that’s easy! You were born. Next question.”

“Noo! Persi...I-I-I’m...I think I’m a bigot.”

“Bigot? Do you even know what that word means?”

“I don’t like people...right?”

“No, dumbass-”

“I’m serious, Persi! Stop! I think I have a problem with sombeody...”

“Oh! Is someone picking on you?” she finally caught on, straightening and narrowing her eyes.

“Well...It’s hard to explain...”

“Is it a teacher? Another kid at school?..School bus?” she asked sitting up, feeling her chest drop that someone might be bullying her baby brother.

“He’s older than you...” he says sheephisly.

“Ew! Did you say something to Dad or Dan?”

“N-No...” he feels like the world is closing in on him.

“Some fucking perv is diddling you and I have to say something. Ellie this is serious shit, how long has this been going on? Do you know where he lives?”

“N-No! I-I-It’s something wrong with me...” he timidly tries to explain, finally sitting up and leaning over and points to his chest, urging his sister to keep her voice down.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. What he’s doing is wrong and that fucko is about to go to jail!” Persi exclaimed, shutting her book and starting to stand up when Elliot grabbed her arm in attempt to get her to sit back down, then jerking away from him, “NO ONE FUCKS WITH MY BABY BROTHER! Come on, we’re telling Dad.”

“STOP!” he yelled, his voice cracked, “It’s not like that! I don’t think I like...act like a normal boy, or I don’t think I like boys like Harlan or if I’m supposed to grow up like...I WANNA WRESTLE WITH HIM AND I DON’T KNOW HOW!”

“...W-...Is Harlan diddling you?” Persi whipped around to face her brother, the disgust on her face, “Wait, what? I dunno what you’re trying to say...Is he making you uncomfortable or touching you in the no-no zone?”

“N-No, no! Nothing like that! I just...I guess...can you like teach me how to wrestle with Harlan?”

Persi was completely perplexed by her brother's request, "Huh? What? Why? And why Harlan specifically?"

"Well if you were here that one time he was babysitting me he wanted to wrestle and I said ew and he told me it was bad to say ew to wrestling with other boys."

"Wait, like how him and Reiner wrestle? Like how boys just kinda roughhouse? Why do you say ew? That's weird."

"'Cus it's the first thing I say when he says it, but it's not how I felt. I dunno why I said it, and that's why I said that something is wrong with me and one of my friends called me a bigot because I don't like touching boys, but I like touching boys, I just don't know how."

Persi sat back down slowly and attempted to digest what her brother was explaining. She watched him try to use as much as his sixth grade vocabulary can muster. It made sense enough that his friends weren't helping him much, but the whole thing with Harlan wasn't clicking for her. Her eyes looked to the sky as she pushed her hair back and sighed, "You...Do you think you're not tough enough?" she asked.

"That's, like, part of it, but my friends don't wrestle, and I don't hang out with like big boys like Reiner or Harlan."

"So you want to learn how to wrestle because you want to wrestle with Harlan to be tougher?" she asked carefully.

"Kinda. I wanna learn how to wrestle so that I can only wrestle with Harlan," he admits with confidence.

"So the word you were looking for is probably homophobe. Just thought I let you know. However, if I think you're saying what I think you're saying then I really think you need to talk to Dad or Dan."

"I don't think they would understand-OWwwwwah!"

"Fucking idiot! Our parents are gay grown up boys! Gay means you like boys!" she bursted, extending a leg out to kick his, "You're not a bigot, though, and you're not a homophobe. Thank God."

"So you're calling me gay?" he asked, sitting up on his elbows.

"No. I'm calling the feeling you have towards Harlan gay...do you like girls?" she corrected him then asked swiftly as to not cause any awkward tension.

"I mean yeah, who doesn't?"

"Bigots and gay boys."

"So I'm a bigot," he nods and offers his answer, causing the girl to throw her foot down into his chest and knocking him back, "OWwwah! Get your dirty foot off me! This is my Versace shirt Otosan bought me!"

"How dumb are you?" she asked with a bite.

"Dumb enough to lay in the grass and think your foot is dirtier than the actual dirt I'm sitting in."

"Maybe you are a bigot," she scoffed, but trying not to be too mean on her innocent sibling.

"Seriously, Persi! What do I do?" Elliot whined, "Tell meeee!.."

"Alright, alright! Stop crying...Well. Do you wanna wrestle for real or do you wanna like they do on TV?" she asked.

"There's a difference?"

"Oh my god- yes! Absolutely!" she exclaimed.

"What's the difference? D-Don't show me!.."

"Uh, Reiner did competition wrestling for a while...And that's like sumo where you're trying to make him tap out or go outside the circle. The one on TV, which is fake, by the way, is a lot more slamming and jump moves and got some interesting drama," she said with a smile.

"Who's cuter?" Elliot asked innocently.

"What's your thing? Like why do you wanna wrestle Harlan?"

"He's..big..?"

"Not enough! I like Reiner and he's big. Do you like being held or do you like bonding with him or something like that? You understand that these are contact sports, right?" she folded her arms.

"Oh...ew."

"Why ew?"

"Because my friends and I don't play contact sports."

"Well then you're just gonna have to be different. Teach them and see if they like it."

"Again, I only wanna do it with Harlan."

"Stop dancing around why you like Harlan so much and just tell me."

"Uhh...cus..I-I'm not supposed to. He's our cousin. You can't have a crush on family."

"He's not our family technically...not blood anyway."

"What?"

"That's why I'm not completely grossed out. See, you're old enough now so I can tell you."

"What? That I'm adopted?"

"Harlan is, actually..."

"Wait...really?"

"Well, technically. Harlan has a mommy, but she couldn't take care of him, so Uncle Felix and Uncle Shane adopted him."

"Whoaa...but is it still wrong?"

"Yes, because he's too old. He's got 10 years on you, easily."

"Well can I still tell him how I feel?"

"Absolutely! He’ll still probably answer more of your questions, too."

Elliot was finally able to relax, pushing his hair back from his forehead and let it flop back down. Persi started to pick up her book and opened it to try and find where she left off. He watched her, sucking his teeth, causing her to flip the book and inhale sharply, widening her eyes at him. "Teach me to wrestle!" he whined, "And stop hurting my arm! C'mon! We fly back to the states tomorrow and I wanna try it with him."

"Ugh! Fine!" Persi said, moving her book and getting on her knees, "Get up, just like this." 

Elliot moves as his sister puts her hair in a ponytail, "Alright! What do I do?" he asks, taking a heavy huff to prepare himself.

"Mentally prepare yourself to be grabbed...Physics dictates that your lower torso is the center of gravity so he's gonna grab your torso to get you off your feet and knock you on your ass."

"Ew-OWwwaah!" he exclaimed at Persi slamming her palm into his forehead, followed by her bonking him on the top.

"Stop. Saying. Ew. Open your knees and brace yourself," Persi said.

"H-How else do I prepare?" he asked, his shoulders still wound up. She puts her hands on his shoulders, trying to roll them.

"You've gotta loosen up. You can think clearer if your muscles aren't tense...What did it for you? With Harlan?" she asked, showing him to shake out his nerves.

"Arms...I-wow!...I like-yeah- I like his arms,” Elliot surprised himself with how automatic the response flew from his lips, then realizing how his heart felt to say it. 

“That’s normal. And yeah he’s got nice arms, makes his hugs feel like you can trust him,” Persi said. 

“When do you not trust a hug?” Elliot asked with a raised eyebrow.

“If you’ve been heartbroken, you’re me, or their energy is wayy off. Now, when I approach you I’ll try and go easy but I want you to try push back and pin me to the ground,” Persi explained, making sure to lock eyes with her brother, and get herself in position to tackle him with a small expectation he’d go down like he always does, “Ready? It’s gonna happen fast.” She recieves a nod, but just before he pushes her shoulders a little.

“Hey..uhh Persi?” he asked nervously.

“Hm? What?” she asked, popping her head up.

“I’d trust a hug from you, Persephone, too! Also, uh, thanks for not being whole jerk...” he admitted with a little smile. 

Persephone looked at the boy and grimaced, but Persi felt like she might well up with tears because she really didn’t think she was a good sister, let alone he could trust with Persephone and everything, but she figures they should since their circumstances are unique.

[One Week Later]

“So...how was England?” Harlan asked, sitting on the couch, leaning back and flipping through something to watch as he settled into the easiest $200 he’s ever made. Persi had to go to work for the night and since her parents didn’t know when she’d be back (or if she was coming back that night), Harlan could use the down time and the money for when he went back to school after summer break.

“It was cool as usual, my mom, dad, and Otosan went out more by themselves so Persi and I got to hang out,” he started, watching the other’s sweatshirt-clad arms rest by his head, while he chose something to watch, settling by adjusting his hips into the couch. For the first time, Elliot was sweating, and not because it was too hot or because he rarely got in trouble, but because of the boy’s dark brown hair lazily gelled on top into a neat quiff, the soft curve of his body molded into the couch, making his sweatshirt ride up a little, “Uhh...how’s college?”

“UHm...I’m really busy. Was doing a lot of work and then I had a few projects. I like the library up there. The events are pretty fun. I was a little surprised freshman year but they don’t..do much for sophomores,” he said, looking at him with a sigh then furrowed his brows when he saw Elliot, “You okay? You feeling alright?”

“I think I like boys...” Elliot says, not realizing how quickly he jumped into the topic, “But I-I’m new a-and...Persi said for me to ask you for some advice.”

Harlan tried to understand what he was saying and sat up a little more, “Elliot...you know I’m too old for you, right?...I didn’t mean to make you feel nervous or uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I know...but uhh..you made me realize it, so in a way you’re responsible  for making me like this,” Elliot started, getting a little more comfortable and uncrossing his arms, slinking into the couch with him.

“Oh, am I really?..What’d I do?” Harlan chuckled lightly, tilting his head up and shaking his head a little in disbelief.

“I learned how to wrestle because I wanted to wrestle with you. Also, I sorta learned how homophobic it was to say ew all the time.”

“Ahh...so your sister is a good influence on you...” he said with a nod, smiling still to keep from spilling over with a giggle, he wiped his mouth and scratched his little hairs growing along his jawline just clustered enough to say he was trying to grow a beard. 

“Yeah well, sometimes she’s good. I just wish sometimes was a little more often, but she’s still my sister and I love’r!” Elliot says pridefully, then backing up a little when Harlan looks at him, “Uhh..uhm yeah, she said this means I’m starting to go through puberty, but I gotta ask my dads about it.”

“Well I’ll tell you right now, it sucks, like pojke gör det jävla suger...enjoy being young, Elliot. Revel in that innocence for as long as you can...but if I heard you correctly, you said you wanted to wrestle me?” Harlan caught him before he wavered off and downplayed his gesture. 

“Uhh y-yeah, but I just wanted to learn because I like how...uhh..strong you are~ and uhh it feels really nice to get hugs from you,” Elliot continued, not expecting him to pick up on it, his sweat getting a little worse as he struggled to look the boy in the eye that was staring him down. 

“Bluush! Är du inte en söt?~..There’s nothing good on anyway..so get up, lemme see what you got! I’ll go easy on you as long as you’re not weird about it, okay?” Harlan mentioned as he sat up, slapping the boy’s knee as he got up.

“Uhh I’ll-I’ll try..maybe we should have a code word for if it’s too much?” Elliot asked, slowly getting up as he felt like he was about to throw up, but he could practically imagine living in the boy’s arms. Harlan rolling his sleeves up and standing over him just caused his knees to weaken just a little more. He didn’t remember him being this big, or brawny, or smelling so good.

“HOw aboouutt...hm..what’s your favourite colour?” he asked, taking in the boy’s obvious hesitation at approaching him.

“Black,” he answered quickly.

Harlan rolled his eyes at his selection and shook his head, then asking again, “What’s your second favourite colour?”

“Why doesn’t black work?” he quickly asked back.

“Too many hard consonants. If you can’t breathe, you can’t get your lips together to create blah noise and the ack is just gonna sound like you straining against me. Pick another colour,” he quickly explained as he tried to fashion a ring out of some pillows and throws.

“Oh. Orange then. I like how it sounds! OORRaannnggggEEE....”Elliot added, which made Harlan giggle and nod, shuffling over towards the circle in the middle of the room, “Oh hey can you just talk to me about how this whole puberty thing goes? I really don’t feel all that jazzed about asking my parents..I’m their baby and all..”

“Maybe later, cus I wanna talk to them first to make sure it’s okay. Especially since you have this little crush on me, men jag berättar inte för dem om det...” Harlan said shaking out his limbs and getting on his knees while he rolled his neck, “That’ll be just between us boys.”

Elliot got a wave of excitement and anxiety, a little frustrated that he spoke in Swedish over whatever the last part of the sentence was, but he thinks he’s not gonna tell his parents. It made him wonder, but it also made him worry. Was he just not going to tell them right away? Was Persi onto something about Harlan being a perv? His head was swirling and he was both scared and confused, which Persi told him he needed to clear his head before he engaged in a fight or any sort of activity like this. “Yeah..uhh yeah..sure..” He awkwardly gets on his knees and stares at Harlan before thinking of something that might calm him down, “H-Hey, Harlan?”

“Yeah? What’s up?”

“Uhh before we start..c-c..would it be too much to ask for a hug?” he asked, shy and timid and feeling the full weight of his question despite what he’d just explained. 

“Sure. Anytime. Never saw harm in a hug,” he says brightly and pulls his forearms in as he embraces him. It was so surreal to think that Elliot looked to him as such an influence. Elliot squeezed against the boy and sighed a huge deep sigh, allowing his body to relax into his. Harlan rubbed his back a little, feeling him relax, giving him a soft kiss on the top of his head before giving him a playful shove, “Alright, now come on, cuz! Ge mig allt du har!“

[trustyourgutblog]

❁ Intro. Q&A with S&C ❁

❁ What is your favorite type of movement?

S: I struggled with movement for a long time. Exercise was categorized as a chore in my brain growing up. I had parents who LOVED running, yet running always made me feel like I was dying. I discovered yoga in late high school. Last year, I completely fell in love with a studio that incorporates HIIT, core, and heat to create a dynamic workout. I'm obsessed! It's my therapy, workout, community, and whole heart in one. I also love that yoga is a competition against yourself - constantly bettering your own practice, rather than focused on competition against others.

C: Growing up I was always active and involved in sports like basketball and track. I’ve ALWAYS hated the running aspect, but every now and then I’ll go for a jog outside if it’s nice out. Now that I get to choose my workouts, I enjoy a combination of lifting, yoga, and HIIT workouts. My workout split typically looks like 4 days of lifting and HIIT and 1-2 days of yoga. On rest days, I always start my mornings with a short yoga flow or light stretching. I also enjoy the hot yoga classes that S talked about above! Hot yoga is what brought us together :).

❁ What is your favorite way to de-stress?

S: Oh god. Anything alone. Seriously. I am extroverted until I hit my limit and once I hit that limit it is a hard crash. I recently moved to a really friendly neighborhood and have loved riding my bike to the library, curling up in my hammock, and reading a great book while listening to some instrumental tunes. 

C: So many different ways! As a social worker, in order to be effective, I have to be on top of my self-care at all times. Journaling, meditation, yoga, reading, walking, and playing with my dogs and cats are some of my favorite ways to de-stress. I also find that using ear seeds helps when I’m experiencing high levels of stress or anxiety. Stay tuned for more ear seed info. in later blog posts!

❁ What is your favorite self-care strategy?

S: I need to be organized. I like knowing what food I'm going to eat the next day, having everything written out and color-coded in my planner, etc. I do really well when everything is put in its place and prepped for the next day - to a fault. I tend to deal with my high maintenance personality with obsessive organization because it is the type of self-care that directly combats my ADHD brain and keeps me functioning.

C: In addition to the ways that I de-stress above, I find a sense of calm in my weekly routine. At the beginning of the week, I enjoy cooking and meal prepping lunches for work, cleaning, and journaling my goals and intentions for the week. I have a Panda Planner that I like to use to stay organized. I also feel my best when I’m taking care of myself (i.e. focusing on eating well, being active, and maintaining my beauty/skincare routine).

❁ What are your health passions?

S: I have been on and off vegan for 6 years. I decided to start it back up at the beginning of this year, and 99% of the time I follow veganism. That's a HUGE passion of mine. I also recently started cycle syncing and I can't shut up about it!! I'm so excited to see what benefits it will provide. I'm a RYT200 yoga teacher with certifications in trauma-informed, children's, and teen yoga - I'm particularly passionate about incorporating vulnerability and mental health aspects into my practice. Lastly, I struggle with physical health (Endometriosis diagnosis) and mental health (GAD - Generalized Anxiety Disorder & ADD - Attention Deficit Disorder diagnosis), this has been a huge journey for me over the past two years. I am currently at a point where I manage these diagnoses really well naturally and it's important to me.

C: GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH, GUT HEALTH! That is what inspired the name for this blog! I find that my gut health impacts my skin, moods, weight, energy level, and my overall well-being. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and IBD in 2016 and have been focused on healing myself with a combination of Western Medicine-based medication, nutrition and journaling food sensitivities, vitamin supplements, movement, and strategies to improve my mental health. Don’t get me wrong - I’m very passionate about mental health in general as I’m a practicing therapist, however, I tend to get burnt out on focusing on mental health only as it is often difficult for my consumers to incorporate a holistic approach. I am also passionate about movement and working on my fitness, as Fergie would say. There’s something uplifting about accomplishing a new fitness goal whether it’s increasing my weights in lifting or holding a headstand in yoga (still working on that one lol).

❁ What led you to wholistic wellness?

S: I had parents who made a huge lifestyle change right after my freshman year of high school. As a family, we went vegan cold turkey (or is it cold tofurkey? pls laugh) and my Mom poured her heart and soul into researching natural alternatives. I have had my own battle with balancing traditional medicine with more holistic results. I very strongly believe in wholistic approaches - I'm not against medication by any means, but I believe it's so so important to treat the whole person and that there is no "one size fits all" approach.

C: Growing up, I didn’t think there was anything particularly “unhealthy” about my lifestyle, but reflecting back as an adult, I can definitely say that we were not a household that was focused on optimal nutrition. We drank gallons of milk and Sunny D and ate maybe a serving of canned vegetables per day. We were active, so no one in my family was overweight, but I think my parents were just raising us on foods that they grew up on (that and canning became all the rage in the 90’s). I would say that I became passionate about holistic approaches to my health shortly after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s and was trying to learn to manage my symptoms. I had a lot of inflammation in 2016 and was prescribed a low dosage of steroids until my doctor prescribed immunosuppressants to keep my immune system from attacking my colon. I began focusing on more holistic approaches when I noticed that medication alone wasn’t making me feel 100%. Sure, it stopped my active inflammation, however, I was still struggling with stomach cramping, diarrhea, and chronic fatigue. About 1 year after I was diagnosed, my husband and I moved to a larger area where I had access to more specialized medical providers. My new gastroenterologist (GI) referred me to a nutritionist who helped me to learn to identify my food sensitivities. She also referred me to a behavioral health psychologist who provided me with an outlet for my stress and anxiety. I began to learn that I was holding chronic tension in my stomach whenever I was stressed or anxious about something. That’s when I began to understand the importance of holistic health.

❁ What is your personal social media?

S: @sarahlhively on Instagram

C: @cassandruh_dee on Instagram

❁ What kind of posts can I expect to see on this blog?

S: I'm really excited to talk about managing mental health naturally (particularly anxiety), possible book recommendations, self-care, and healthy meal prepping while on a broke college student’s budget.

C: I look forward to sharing my personal experiences with navigating my chronic health issues, nutrition, FODMAPs, gut health, mental health, the gut-brain connection, fitness/movement, and self-care.

❁ Why social work?

S: It's nice to not have this question followed up by "you know you'd make much more money as _______. Is it too late to change your major?" But for real. I started college as a special education major, quickly realized I'd rather do pretty much anything other than write lesson plans, and switched to being a WGST major. I expected to be able to get a job doing advocacy work with a particular focus on LGBTQ+ & women issues. I soon realized the WGST track is for students who eventually want to do research and social work was more what I was looking for. I never looked back. The multiple directions a social work degree can be taken in, the continually changing cases, the advocacy, vulnerability, and seeking justice for people all capture my heart. 

C: I have always been passionate about having a career centered around helping people. I became interested in therapy after having a particularly negative experience with a therapist that my dad sent me to when I was getting caught in the middle of my parent’s divorce and I experienced some trauma. I originally pursued psychology, however, fell into social work when I figured out that there are so many different opportunities available for MSWs.  I truly love my job and feel grateful to be compensated (FYI times have changed and not all social workers make next to nothing - thank the universe) for serving the children and families on my caseload

[harbingham]

                   Harry took one look at the survey && rolled his eyes. What a waste of fucking time. As if they were all going to BOND because a survey supposedly confirmed they could be  f r i e n d s  . Or at the very least good roommates ?? Whatever. Harry quickly wrote his name, crossing out the rest of the questions with EASE. Besides, they knew who he was already.

          Instead, cursive letters inked the paper — If you put me with someone annoying, I’ll make sure the trip is absolute hell. Ending the sentence with a thick period, annoyance festering as it usually did with life’s POINTLESS trifles.

                    The usual smug smirk dipped over his lips, carelessly turning the questionnaire in without a second thought.

so yeahhh, because my son is the way he is ... i filled it out for him bless up. why do i love harry bingham when i fucking hate him ?? idk fam, idk.

BASIC INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Harold Theodore Bingham PRONUNCIATION: H EH - r uh l d   th EE - uh - d aw r    b IH  ng-uh m   MEANING: estate ruler  /  army leader  REASONING: Harold was his great-grandfather’s name, while Theodore is is father’s name that’s been passed down for quite a while as either a first/middle kinda deal NICKNAME(S): Harry, Har ( though he doesn't like it  ) Bingham, Pretty Boy PREFERRED NAME(S): Harry, just Harry unless you want a punch or a mean remark bless BIRTH DATE: April 13th, 2001 AGE: 18 ZODIAC: Aries !! GENDER: Male PRONOUNS: He/Him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Heteroromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual NATIONALITY: American ETHNICITY: wonder bread

BACKGROUND

BIRTH PLACE: West Ham, CT HOMETOWN: West Ham, CT SOCIAL CLASS: Upper/Close to the 1% FATHER: Theodore Bingham † MOTHER: Karen Bingham SIBLING(S): Stacy Bingham ( 12 ) BIRTH ORDER: Harry, Stacy PET(S): In the Bingham household ?? Never. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: He’s surrounded by family, they usually always have at least two reunions a year. However he’s never felt close to them ?? So he’d never list their names here really. He’s only somewhat close to his immediate family. Though, he was close to his nanny growing up if that counts bless PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: it’s a list of like ... relatively short lasting relationships, hookups, && one night stands, until his most recent, kelly, which is probably his longest lasting one ?? ARRESTS?: Technically, on record, none :). He’s definitely been caught like, trespassing, underage drinking, && drunk driving lbh ... but yeah, no record. i hate him. PRISON TIME?: N/A

OCCUPATION & INCOME

SOURCE OF INCOME: intern at parent’s company  /  his parents CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: he doesn’t really like it tbh, but it’s done his family well so after college he definitely plans to continue the legacy && make if flourish even more. PAST JOB(S): n/a SPENDING HABITS: *throws money in trash can* MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: the gold ring with the bingham family insignia his father gave him when he turned 13 ( made him feel like he finally belonged you feel )  though he’d tell you it’s everything he owns ... i hate him

SKILLS & ABILITIES

TALENTS: bringing people together ( or apart ), lightening the mood ( or you know, fucking it up too ), banter, racing, fixing cars SHORTCOMINGS: oh honey — saying shit he doesn’t mean, his own arrogance, addictive personality, emotional invulnerability, aloof nature, shall i continue ?? LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: English, French, Italian DRIVE?: Hell yeah JUMP-STAR A CAR?: Yes CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: Yes, but he’d rather pay someone to do it before ever doing it himself RIDE A BICYCLE?: nope catch me crying SWIM?: Yes PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: Does learning the recorder in 3rd grade count ?? PLAY CHESS?: Yes BRAID HAIR?: Yes ( Stacy made him learn since he was the only one home most of the time ) TIE A TIE?: Yes, his father practically taught him that in the womb. PICK A LOCK?: nah. he’s more into the jump the fence, break some glass, make a fucking scene, kinda trespassing

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE & CHARACTERISTICS

FACE CLAIM: Alex Fitzalan EYE COLOR: dark brown, specks of gold in natural light HAIR COLOR: Chestnut Brown HAIR TYPE/STYLE: Curly && wavy, his hair texture kinda varies by each strand unless he properly styles it ... which he does when feeling okay GLASSES/CONTACTS?: No, but he definitely likes the aesthetic of glasses sometimes. Like bet money on his ivy interviews he wore glasses ... did i mention i hate harry bingham ?? DOMINANT HAND: Right HEIGHT: 5′10″ WEIGHT: 140/150ish lbs ??? BUILD: Slender Muscular EXERCISE HABITS: it’s rather irregular and depends heavily on his mood. if he’s in a good/okay mood then a few times a week. otherwise it’s hard to do much of anything, let alone work out you know. SKIN TONE: light with pink/tan undertones TATTOOS: none PIERCINGS: none MARKS/SCARS: small dark birth mark near his right, outer ankle. shoulders/back && cheeks tend to get rather freckly in the summer && he hates it. some random cuts && bruises from blacked out drunk/high escapades, the occasional hickey bye. NOTABLE FEATURES: dimples when he actually smiles, white af teeth, the hair™ USUAL EXPRESSION: either completely unamused or smirking tbh CLOTHING STYLE: designer, preppy — think polos, ironed pants, or cuffed skinny jeans, all paired with some boat shoes. sometimes when he’s not feeling so great he’ll wear a plain tee/hoodie JEWELRY: gold pinky ring ( mentioned above ), apple watch on occasion ALLERGIES: long haired cats BODY TEMPERATURE: runs hot 😏 DIET: no such thing, boy’s metabolism is fast, the lucky son of a bitch. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: N/A

PSYCHOLOGY

MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral TEMPERAMENT: Choleric  /  Melancholic ELEMENT: Fire MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: Anxiety, Depression, Toxic Masculinity 👀 SOCIABILITY: Moody™, but very social. Popular™. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: um ... he tries ?? it’s not good though, nope. PHOBIA(S): autophobia ( fear of being alone ),  atychiphobia ( fear of failure ) ADDICTION(S): coffee, opiods, alcohol, etc DRUG USE: yes please ALCOHOL USE: yes please PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: if provoked yes, or if he feels the need to protect/stand against something.

MANNERISMS

QUIRKS: easily annoyed, rolls his eyes a lot, has a comeback for almost everything ( even if it’s just a fuck you ) HOBBIES: cars, racing, sailing ( learned from his dad ),  HABITS: drinking, swearing, pills, drinks coffee every morning NERVOUS TICKS: furrowed brows, pacing/unable to stand still, hand twitching, squinting eyes DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: Money, Perfectionism, doing the Bingham name justice FEARS: Being forgotten, Isolation, Losing the rest of his family/the few he cares about, Death, Fatal Illness POSITIVE TRAITS: Charming, Adventurous, Witty, Ambitious, Assertive, Protective NEGATIVE TRAITS: Moody, Enigmatic, Cocky, Prideful, Destructive, Sarcastic, Stubborn, Impatient SENSE OF HUMOR: sarcastic, dark DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: he fucking literally fucking says fuck every fucking other fucking word :D CATCHPHRASE(S): fuck you cassandra, fuck off, fuck you, fuck me, fuck that, we’re playing fugitive tonight

FAVORITES

ACTIVITY: Racing  /  Sailing ANIMAL: Otters BEVERAGE: any && all alcohol™ ... or secretly strawberry hi-c don’t @ him. BOOK: never let me go by kazuo ishiguro CELEBRITY: Margot Robbie COLOR: Navy Blue && Dark Gray DESIGNER: Balenciaga && Ralph Lauren FOOD: loaded fries FLOWER: blue stars GEM: Sapphire/Diamond HOLIDAY: halloween MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: he has a lot of favorite cars, but his black maserati ( aka the fugitive car ) is probably his favorite. he also likes helicopters MOVIE: Fight Club, The Wolf on Wall Street, The Breakfast Club MUSICAL ARTIST: blackbear, Drake are two of his go-tos, though the list is long QUOTE/SAYING: “Just do it.” boy bye SCENERY: nothing like overlooking a long wooden dock into a bright blue lake surrounded by trees  SCENT: cedar, sandalwood — anything kinda woody/musky ?? bless. SPORT: golf SPORTS TEAM: his father always rooted for the yankees, so he roots for the yankees TELEVISION SHOW: Mad Men WEATHER: cloudy with just a bit of sun peaking through, bright blue sky — not too hot, not too cold. VACATION DESTINATION: anywhere near a body of water, though he’s particularly fond of lake como in italy cause there’s a bit of everything ?? mountains, the lake, beautiful architecture, etc :’)

ATTITUDES

GREATEST DREAM: living that ‘american dream’ baby GREATEST FEAR: peaking in high school, being forgotten/not wanted (yet you push people away boii water u doing ?!), being vulnerable ... again there’s a long fucking list MOST AT EASE WHEN: in a fast car, living that reckless™ lifestyle LEAST AT EASE WHEN: realizing what a dumbass he is && having to apologize for it BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: getting into brown && columbia off some actual merit && not just money wow BIGGEST REGRET: not really being there for his dad near the end bc that would mean being vulnerable && saying goodbye coming on this fucking trip MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: losing the student body president position to cassandra BIGGEST SECRET: which one you want honey ?? TOP PRIORITIES: for everything to stay the same  /  go back to the way it was  :) :( :) :(

[matamisin]

Consider: Mina is a genuinely happy and positive person, but everyone has bad days (especially people who have been thru trauma, like seeing your loved ones regularly beaten to a bloody pulp). The thing is that Mina just. Refuses to show that trauma has actually been effecting her. She starts suppressing negative reactions to situations bc she wants to "stay strong." Beginning of the year? She cried when they got rescued from USJ. End of the year? "Lmao guess we survived another one! Ha! Ha! :)"

oh my god like millennial humor?? if yeah then lmao mina please

if not ahhh Mina baby you have feelings too that you gotta tend to!\

Alright- All (or at least all the angst headcanons I received) are answered below the cut! Please be careful, there are some, well angsty things in there!

TW: Eating Disorder, Gore/ Graphic Depictions, Homophobia, Depression, Suicidal Tendencies/ Self harm mention, Death, Possible spoilers to those not caught up with the BNHA manga- Please ask to tag if I missed any!

(looking at all these warnings made me realize omfg YALL DID NOT HOLD BACK IM CRYING ASK AND THOU SHALT RECEIVETH I SUPPOSE)

a-single-eyelash asked:

Denki accidentally hurt someone as a kid, say a sibling or good friend, with his quirk. It made him hate his work, until he saw a hero with a similar work to his. This is what made him think that not only is his quirk cool, but also that he can become a hero. Well until, he hurt Sero. His boyfriend, got electrocuted by him on the battlefield. (Sorry this is an idea I’ve had for a fic)

O H

BRUH THAT HIT ME LIKE A TRAIN COMING OUT FROM BEHIND THE BUSHES I THOUHGT THERE WAS GONNA BE A HAPPY ENDING THIS IS STILL GOOD THO 

anonymous asked:

Bakugou is still sad, Sero is suicidal (Read to may fics about it man), Kami is legitimately afraid he’ll disappoint his parents, Tsu feels to normal, Kiri feeeeeelsss way to useless, and idk maybe Aoyama feels ignored. My own angsty headcanons.

Ah, yeah I can see how those can play into those characters!

anonymous asked:

Sero’s fight or flight response with a villains ice-like quirk (if your for that headcanon) OR Sero overwhelming his quirk trying to rescue a goddamn building of people

OH YA I AM FOR THAT

Also NO STOP HAVE I GOT SOMETHING IN STORE ABOUT COLLAPSING BUILIDINGS

anonymous asked:

Ashido + Bakugou bond over their quirks being destructive and not really knowing how to use them to actually *help* people

oh wow, I’ve never actually seen it that way.

But how about this: while they vent to each other about how their quirks can’t help people, the other is like, full on giving them descriptions of how their quirks actually CAN but they just never realized and they’re opening each other’s eyes while having their own insecurities knocked down

anonymous asked:

Omg your angst au is so angsty it’s beautiful

AH thank you haha!

anonymous asked:

Angsty headcannon boi-  Sero was bullied in middle school for having wonky teeth and actually had braces. Which is why he has such a pearly white smile now.  Sero was the last in his class to get his quirk and when he did he was laughed at because it was a ‘useless quirk’

n O ANON IM SOB

IM CRYING LEAVE HIM ALONE ILL SQUARE UP WITH THOSE BULLIES

anonymous asked:

Angst head cannon.  Sero flinches whenever kirishima hardens.  Sero’s parents are majorly homophobic and are actually quite strict. So whenever sero isn’t with bakusquad he tries to revise but it doesn’t work and he’s scared to ask for help.

Aw, man that’s heart wrenching to have parents so unsupportive- I feel it :( He’s just in a constant worry state whenever they’re around

anonymous asked:

If you’re still accepting the angst hcs… i think kaminari gets like really overcharged whenever there’s a storm and since they moved to the dorms there’s nowhere for him to release all the excess energy. So he just kinda hides away in his room in pain.

Aw, that’s terrible!

I dunno.. I feel like that one day when someone finds out during a storm, they’ll like, ask the teachers about “where someone could discharge a lot of energy askingforafriend” and they immediately know who they’re talking about and they’ll ask Powerloader and Mei and others in their department to build something for him to discharge all the excess AND be able to utilize it somehow :0 just a thought!

anonymous asked:

My headcannons: Sero is anorexic Bakugou has PTSD Kaminari has depression Kirishima had self-esteem issues Ashido is perfect (canon)

Oh that last part- she is, she is *clap**clap*

Though.. I will say that just because the others are haunted by those- it doesn’t make them less perfect. It’s their struggles that they learn to cope with and grow from, and it makes them, well, them. Not a definition of perfect can define that :’)

(sorry just speaking from my thoughts cause these hit close to home ahhh)

anonymous asked:

Lmao i sent a lot sorry if their not the best but hopefully some heart strings will be pulled

NONSENSE ANON ALL MY HEART STRINGS WERE PLUCKED BY ALL THESE AND NOW ITS YALLS TURN

transcandydemon asked:

Todocanon; todoroki has constant nightmares of the boiling water incident and of his father hurting him or his mom which causes him to not get as much sleep ie his calm attitude and how he’s not quick to get into conversations because of exhaustion

oh ya, such a traumatic past is def something that could still be haunting him in his dreams :’( but when the others notice, they’ll make sure to check up on him and try to find ways to help reduce nightmares or at least comfort him whenever they’re in his dreams

anonymous asked:

Deku head canon : deku is super jealous of kirishimas and bakugoa relationship since hes been trying to get close to kacchan for years and kirishima managed to do it within days

D’: He probably would feel that- jealousy’s very strong! But ah, in my personal opinion, i think he’d feel that, but after time learns that maybe it was best that he stopped dwelling on it and moves on, and learns to accept and be happy that he and Bakugou could at least be acquaintances that could eventually work well :’)

anonymous asked:

Denki headcanon: where he wants to be as close to bakugo as kirishima is and he tries so damn hard but takes bakugos insults to heart and he really does get torn up and upset about it(ex: the sports festival scene )

Oh wait which scene? Dunce face or?? :0 but yeah, I feel like he’d take it to heart at times. (but my bakukami heart tells me to say that when Baku realizes he gives him a good ass pep talk and beings hold back on his insults, or reassures Denki)

anonymous asked:

Bakugou could have PTSD and nightmares

Oh same headcanon! :’D Ah, but poor Bakugou. I’m sure the others would take it into mind and be aware of it and help him subtly so as to not provoke him, :’(

violetsare-tblue asked:

Bakugo: because of his inferiority complex, feels like he needs to prove himself over and over or he’ll be just the victim again  Iida: his left arm is completely numb. He isn’t paralyzed and he can move it. He just can’t feel anything in his hand or arm. Makes holding hands with someone feel empty and useless  Sero: he is so scared of being worthless as a hero and a person. He doesn’t want to be left behind by his classmates so he overworks himself and comes to school with random bruises

Oh mmhmm, I definitely see the Bakugou one! Especially after what he said during his fight with Deku, it def shows :(

Aw, Iida probably still looks back at his actions back in the Stain arc and regrets the errors of his ways. Luckily, I’m sure he’ll find someone who helps him through it and reminds him that mistakes don’t define him :’)

:’( Serooo MAKING ME CRY

casua-aria asked:

I have this Sero headcanon where he was the disposable (like how when tape dispensers run out and become disposable) friend in groups throughout his childhood, but now that he goes to UA, he has true caring friends that would never do that to him.

D: !!

That’s so sad- he must have thought his quirk was just life taunting him for being “disposable” hence the tape quirk :( but heck yeah, once he meets the students of UA he definitely begins to see that he wasn’t the problem in the past, but rather those that he was “friends” with!

anonymous asked:

Sero remembering very clearly all the pain that happened when his arm got cut off, maybe being a little scared of Kirishima for a few days after he first wakes up? Idk

OH YEAH THAT ONE HURTS

Like maybe.. once he’s able to respond again, he flinches and has an anxiety attack when he sees Kirishima because the sight of him just sends a flood of the memory to play in his head OOF

anonymous asked:

A personal favorite that nobody’s really thought of: a villain cuts off one finger from each of Ochako’s hands so she can’t use her quirk

OH MAN THATS BRUTAL OMG

That’s so dark!! I feel like a villain would do that should they get a hold of her and, mm maybe wanna rile up someone close to her to lure them in

meptoonzart asked:

Kirishima traitor

b R U H ID CRY MY EYES OUT IF HORI MADE HIM THE TRAITOR

                                                                                                                             Anonymous said:                                                                 

I have a lot of angsty headcanons about Kaminari specifically so I’ll just spam you with those. He attracts electricity, so he often gets struck by lightning and has almost died from it twice. Kaminari knows people think he’s the traitor and it eats him up inside every day. He’s been ‘propositioned’ by quite a few creeps because he’s pretty and his quirk is, well, what it is. He has nightmares a lot and it causes power outages, he’s terrified his classmates will hate him for it.(1/?(Idk2maybe)            

Sero got into a fight with someone after the sports festival, because how the hell did he make it into UA’S hero course, and Kaminari happens to be with him and he actively threatens the dude who started the fight with his quirk. No one bullies his friends. His overuse of his quirk is slowly killing him, he hasn’t told anyone that it’s destroying his brain. Bakugo reminds him of living in an abusive household but he doesn’t know how to say it so he laughs it off.(2/?(Okaymaybe4wearegettingthere)             

Kirishima and Sero are the first to find out about both the frying brain and the abusive household, and Sero asks Kaminari if he wants to go try something. Kaminari says sure and Sero reserves a training ground for them, and Sero swings around with Kaminari and he hopes it works for Kami the same way it does for him. Sero is smiling because he doesn’t know what else to do, but swinging through the air helps him feel better and free. It helps. But there’s always, always the anxiety (¾)  

the anxiety of ‘Maybe today is the day I fall’, but he doesn’t realize that Kaminari is helping him stay grounded. He won’t fall. Not when he gets to see Kaminari fuller of life than he’s ever been. They land on one of the buildings in ground Beta, and laugh like idiots as it starts to rain. Kaminari’s dying, Sero is a mess, and they just sit there for hours, past the end of their reservation, talking through their anxieties. Kaminari is scared to die. Sero is scared to lose him. (Okay1more4/5)        

Sero promises Kaminari he’ll be there, he’ll do everything he can to help keep him alive as long as possible, and he asks Kaminari how long he has from his last estimate. Kaminari laughs, starting to cry. Six years. Sero tells the Bakusquad, and they promise him that they’ll be there when the time comes. Not villains or Dadzawa could stop them, and finally it does. For only being a hero for three years, he’s made history for kids who have terminal illnesses (ranoutofspacedammit)      

 And the drawbacks of quirks come more into light. Kaminari may not be a great student or hero, but he brought hope to a lot of people, and everyone will miss him. They can’t hear thunder crack without thinking of him, can’t see the golden sunrise without thinking of his smile. Can’t even bear to look at the classic lit section in a bookstore. He saved people and raised awareness, but he wrecked their hearts as well. (Somehow this turned into a near-fic I’m so sorry Hope you’re doing well(Done))       

ANON OMG THANK YOU FOR THIS BASICALLY FIC IM CRYING THERES SO MUCH I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START CRYING   

iamnootthedabmast-r said:                                                                     

Heard you want some angsty headcannons- so Kaminari tends to stay up due to his quirk and he likes to stay in the dormitory lobby, so he just sits on the couch on his phone or just sits there in the dark- but this leads to him finding some secretive angsty stuff about other people in the dormitory for ex; Bakugou comes downstairs and just starts cooking cause he has terrible night terrors and Kaminari just quietly witnesses as Bakugou cries silently while he eats. (Part 1)    

(Part 2) the next morning Kaminari kind of wants to try ask or comfort him but feels rude and awkward so he also kind of struggles with the knowledge of knowing that everyone in his class is a little to a lot of broken.  So yeah, sorry if it’s a little confusing- in awkward when it comes to writing what I want to write…

DUUDE THIS IS SUCH A SAD CONCEPT IF YOU WRITE IT I WILL LEGITERALLY PERISH ON SPOT

                                                                                                                             Anonymous said:                                                   

May we… suggest directly… angsty oneshots? Please feel free to ignore this if you preferred hcs

 (lmao sorry, im not caught up with the manga or anime to know what the first part is referrring to :’D) but ah yeah I’ve seen that headcanon, not too sure how to feel, but it’s out there!                   

[rainbow-sides]

Anomalies: Chapter Four

Summary: Anomalies is about different reactions to grief and how four brothers each respond to the death of their mother. The oldest brother, Roman, gets custody of the twins, Patton and Virgil, and the youngest brother, Logan, after their mother`s death. Virgil is also trying to navigate through a multitude of anxiety disorders, including OCD and trichotillomania, with the help of his brothers and his therapist, Dr. Picani. But meanwhile, Roman isn`t sure he can handle the responsibility of taking care of his brothers, Logan doesn`t process loss in a way most people can understand, and Patton isn`t nearly as okay as he seems…

Warnings: Death of a parent, grief, anxiety, trichotillomania, panic attacks, obsessive thought spirals, dissociation, OCD, some swearing, mentions of terminal illness (leukemia), thoughts about death, self-hatred, self-depreciation. For a list of the content warnings for the whole story as well as more information, please see this post. Please heed the warnings and stay safe.

Word Count: 1,808

Notes:

Masterpost to All Chapters

The next Friday, he walked out of Dr. Picani’s office with diagnoses of OCD, trich, and a panic disorder. He managed to hold it together until he got into the car, and then started to cry. Patton, who had come with him again, slid over into the middle seat so he could do both of their seatbelts and then put his arms around his twin.

“This is a good thing,” their mother said as she drove out of the parking garage. “Now that we know why you’re feeling this way, we can work on making it better. Are you okay with Dr. Picani, or do you want to find a different doctor?”

“I’d rather stay with him,” Virgil replied, trying to keep his breathing under control with the exercise that the therapist had taught him. “He--he’s good, I like him.”

“Is he helping?”

“Uh-huh.” Virgil nodded, putting his head down on Patton’s shoulder with a sniffle. “I mean--I don’t know how much anyone can actually help, but...if anyone can, I think it might be him.”

And over the next six months, things did improve. A lot. Virgil actually managed to get the trich under control, and he was passing out from panic attacks a lot less. After a few weeks, he didn’t have anxiety attacks about going to see Dr. Picani anymore. He actually found himself looking forward to it, which really surprised him. He could laugh at the therapist’s slightly ridiculous, over the top cartoon comparisons one minute and then talk to him about the deeply rooted obsessive rituals that he had never told anyone else about the next minute. Some of his eyelashes even started to grow back.

Then their mother had been diagnosed with leukemia, and all of the progress flew out the window.

The night after the confirmed diagnosis was told to him, he found himself in front of the bathroom mirror. He could barely remember doing it, he must have dissociated, but pretty much all of his eyelashes were gone again, and most of one eyebrow. As soon as he realized what he had done, he burst into tears and collapsed onto the bathroom floor with a thud, smacking his arm against the cabinet.

A few seconds later, someone was knocking at the door. “Virgil! Virgil, what was that sound? Virgil, are you crying? Open the door, please, let me come in,” Roman pleaded.

Footsteps, and then Patton’s voice joined him. “Virge?” he said, sounding frightened. “Virge, are you okay? Answer me!”

Shaking so hard he could barely get his hands to cooperate, he reached up and unlocked the door. It flew open.

“Oh, Virgil, honey!” Roman exclaimed. “Oh…”

Patton dropped down in front of him and grabbed his hands. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” he said. “What happened? Did you fall? Are you hurt?”

Virgil shook his head. Sobbing, he tried to explain that he had relapsed with the trich. Knowing that he wasn’t making much sense and finding it difficult to put words in any sort of coherent order, he wiped away his eye makeup roughly with the back of his hand.

Patton gasped sharply. “Oh! Oh, Virgil...oh, you should have told me it was bad again.”

“I was doing so good,” Virgil sobbed. “I w-was doing so good, I d-don’t understand, I was t-trying s-so hard! And n-now I f-fucked it all up, I c-can’t...I’m a f-failure, m-mom’s gonna be s-so disappointed, and so is Dr. Picani…” He hit the floor with his fist, wincing at the pain.

Roman nudged Patton aside, saying, “Virgil, let’s get you out of the bathroom. Come here, it’s okay, we’ve got you.” He hesitated for a second, then just scooped the crying Virgil up into his arms and carried him down the hall into the nearest bedroom, Patton’s. He set him down on the bed.

“I’m a failure,” Virgil whimpered again. “And m-mom’s gonna see when she g-gets home from her appointment, and I’m g-gonna have to t-tell Dr. Picani that I fucked up, and I’m so stupid, I hate myself for fucking this up, I--”

For once, Patton didn’t tell him off for swearing. He held Virgil’s hands as tightly as he could. “You’re not a failure,” he said sternly. “Listen to me, Virgil. The...the news we got yesterday, it’s messing with all of us. Logan hasn’t said a word all day, I...I can barely stop crying.” And indeed, there were tears dripping down his cheeks. “It’s scary, Virgil, and Dr. Picani told you that it gets worse when you’re scared or stressed. Remember?”

“Uh-huh,” Virgil managed. “But still--”

“No, no ‘but still’. You aren’t allowed to hate yourself because of this, Virgil. We won’t let you.” He sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled Virgil into his arms. “Nobody is disappointed in you,” he murmured. “Nobody is going to blame you.”

Probably drawn by the noise, Logan nudged his way into the room. He gazed at his brothers, wide-eyed.

“Hey, kiddo,” Patton said. “What's up?”

Logan gestured at Virgil and tilted his head.

“He's...he's gonna be okay,” Patton said.

Logan narrowed his eyes and left the room, walking with purpose.

The phone rang suddenly. Roman groaned. “I'll go get it. You got him?”

“I've got him,” Patton confirmed.

Roman ruffled Virgil’s hair as he rushed off to get the phone.

“Pat?” Virgil said in a tiny voice.

“Yeah?”

“I'm really scared.”

“Me, too.” Pat gave him a squeeze. “Me, too.”

Logan came back into the room and held out one of his koosh-balls. It was pale pink, and a little smaller than the blue one he had given Virgil a while ago.

Virgil smiled through his tears and took the toy. “Oh, Lo...thanks.”

The quiet 12-year old hopped up onto the bed, his legs dangling over the side. “The five year survival rate for leukemia is 63% and rising with advancements in treatment,” he said, the first words he had spoken all day. “The probability is on our side for a good outcome.”

“That...that helps, Logan,” Patton said sincerely. “Are you doing okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Roman walked back through the door, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “That was Mom. She wants us to know that they’re doing more tests, and it might be a while, so don’t wait for her to come home to go to sleep. She says she loves us all, and that she’s really proud of us for being so strong.”

Virgil’s lower lip trembled. He hadn’t been strong.

“I’m really tired,” Patton said, squeezing Virgil’s hand. “Can...can we all stay here tonight?”

“Sure,” Roman agreed. “Let’s all get pajamas. Lo, do you want me to read the next chapter in the book for you?” Logan was, of course, more than capable of reading even very advanced books by himself. However, he also liked being read to, and Roman was always more than happy to oblige, especially if it meant that he got to do character voices. He had just finished reading Logan The Hobbit, and was beginning The Lord of the Rings. Logan had immediately pointed out the flaw in logic with the plot hole that ‘the eagles could have just flown them to Orodruin’. Roman had decided to engage in a debate about realism vs fantasy and plot devices, which was one of the very few topics he had a fighting chance of winning against Logan in. He actually managed to get Logan to suspend disbelief, and now the kid was just really enjoying the novel.

“Yes, please,” Logan said. “If Patton and Virgil are okay with it?”

“I’m definitely gonna fall asleep halfway through the chapter, but sure,” Patton answered.

Virgil nodded his agreement.

Logan and Roman went off to get ready for bed, and the twins got changed in Patton’s room. They went to the bathroom to brush their teeth, Virgil avoiding looking in the mirror at all costs. Then they went back to Patton’s room and settled down on the side of the double bed that was against the wall. Patton reluctantly moved some of his many pillows and stuffed animals on his bed to the top of his dresser.

“Surely you don’t need that many pillows,” Virgil said. “And you’ve got, like, fifteen plushies there.”

“Eighteen, and I love each and every one them,” Patton retorted. “And hey, you like sleeping on a tiny twin bed with about a hundred pounds of blanket on top of you even though Mom offered you a double bed as well. I don’t cast judgement on how you choose to sleep.”

“Whatever,” Virgil said. He had slid down underneath the covers, facing the wall. He was still holding the pink koosh-ball from Logan.

Patton plunked down next to him. “So...how are you doing?” he asked seriously.

Virgil laughed humorlessly. “Well, I’m all out of tears. Is that good or bad?”

“Ohhh…” Patton nestled up against him, sighing. “Virge.”

“No, I…” Even though his eyes were dry, there was a lump in his throat that was difficult to speak around. “Pat, I went almost a month without pulling at all. And then I just completely ruined it. And I hate that that’s what I’m focusing on, and not the fact that our mother has cancer. I just feel like...like I’m a horrible person.”

Patton let out a sound of discontent and wrapped his arms around Virgil’s waist from behind. “You’re not a horrible person.”

“Then why am I crying about my stupid eyelashes instead of our sick mom?” Virgil muttered.

“I don’t have the energy to fight you right now,” Patton said tiredly. “So I’m just gonna hold you instead.”

Virgil exhaled softly. “I appreciate that. I don’t want to fight you, either.”

“Good,” Patton mumbled into his shoulder.

By the time that Roman and Logan returned, the twins were both nearly asleep. Roman got through about five pages before Logan was out as well. The oldest brother put the book on Patton’s bedside table and turned of the lamp that was casting a pale golden light around the periwinkle-colored walls of the bedroom. He had left a note for their mom on the kitchen table to let her know why the first three bedrooms she would check on as she made her way down the hall when she got home were empty.

When she returned from the hospital, exhausted and in a fairly significant amount of pain, the sight of her children curled up together, peacefully asleep, brought a smile to her lips. She blew them each a kiss before slipping out quietly, not wanting to wake them up.

Two years later, the four of them were all sleeping in Patton’s bed again. But now, their mother couldn’t come to check on them. She would never return from the hospital again.

It’s been a pretty cloudy head-day for me, I haven’t really been able to focus on much, so apologies for this sub-par end note. Uhhh, okay. So. Hope you guys are having a good Monday! Make yourself some tea and take some deep breaths, it’s gonna be okay. Try to find some reasons to smile, even if it’s hard. Work for three minutes on something you’ve been putting off. Intend to just do three minutes, and you might be surprised by how much more you end up doing. And if you do only do three minutes, then that’s fine! You accomplished a goal! Great job! I’m so proud of you. Keep going strong, my friends. I love you! <3 ~Martin

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[the-revenirium-blog]

「 妈妈，爸爸，我想回家.」 "Mom, Dad, I want to go home."

2017 was the year I thought everything would be going amazing for me. I had a great relationship, supportive friends back at home, I was accepted into a college that would give me a certificate to pursue my dreams.

It wasn't very long after that I realized that it wasn't the perfect image of a life I wanted to live.

It started small, with troublesome pettiness, petty drama, expenses to be paid, bad decisions that I've made with myself, and my own selfishness that costed me my friendships and eventually, my own relationships.

I thought myself superior to the old me. That I'm better already, I can keep going, I can keep fighting. I ignored every single sign my body blared at me, I forced the energy to come and work for me. I kept going, until everything around me slowly unravelled.

I am so sorry that I wasn't a better child that made better choices.

I am so sorry that I was a selfish person that valued myself more, and neglected you, to the point you felt like you were discarded.

I am sorry that I am tired and sick and have terrible judgement.

But most of all, I am sorry, Me, that I let yourself get this way.

I am currently in my final semester of community college. With approximately 3 weeks left until my final assessment, with a full gown to sew and a portfolio to make, and an internship to apply for.

Today, 7th of May 2018, I sent in an application to drop out of college and said my goodbyes to my classmates.

"It's a shame, you only have a bit more to go!" "You're wasting time and energy! And money!" " But you were such a good student, why quit now?" "You're being a quitter!"

Those were the responses I got from various people.

Classmates who insisted I lend them my sewing machine that I paid for with my own money, or to give them my things that I so stressfully budgeted money to buy for class.People that never truly took the time to talk to me as a person, or understand what it was like, for me.

Lecturers who truly cared and listened to me, and were so sad to see me go, and wanted to hear from me personally why.

Friends from other courses who I supported today for the last time by being their first customer at their shops today, for Business Day.

People that called me a quitter, did not realize how in pain I was, having to force myself to get up every single day, to go to class, to sit down for hours to focus and sew, to struggling with basic human functions like eating and sleeping.

People that were disappointed in me, because I didn't fully finish what I started.

I am glad that I truly know which people are truly there for me at my worst, and I am very grateful for them for being around to see my best.

Saturday, two days ago, I went to class as per usual. It was a morning replacement class due to all the holidays this month, and I did not think much. Just finish my sewing, go home, shower, sleep.

It wasn't until I realized I couldn't sew anymore at all that I broke down. I couldn't focus, I considered just cutting everything and just failing the semester, but I finally adknowledged the one thought that was bothering me.

"I want to go home."

I excused myself from my class and for the first time in a year, I called my mother and said,

"妈妈，我想回家." "Mom, I want to go home."

My mother comforted me, and told me that she already knew I was at my breaking point.

"Come home. Come home to mom and dad. We'll be your shoulder to lean on, so don't cry alone anymore."

I cried and cried out there in the empty hall. My legs, covered in dried bleeding scabs and rashes, were sweating, my back hurt, my shoulders ached.

Just a few days prior, I had ended my 2-year relationship with my boyfriend as well.

My now-ex boyfriend, D, I am very, very sorry that I couldn't be the person to grow old with you. You are right, you are not growing younger, and you truly did need someone to be there for you.

But that person is not me.

You did not have to trouble yourself with my problems, or my family. You did not in fact need to send money to me at all for college or rent. You did not need to take me to the doctors, to buy me so much for my skin, because now, down to the very last, it was me that ruined everything.

At 18, I was so sure that I've found my happiness.

At 20, I am tired, depressed, and damaged, but I know that I will still find my happiness.

My depression and I have had an ongoing on-off relationship. I am aware that not many of us truly understand how it is, or how it affects us.

And that's okay. We do not truly understand it either.

For me, every single day, there is a silent voice in my head that tells me, despite all I have done, I will never be enough.

The voice tells me, my parents are disappointed in me. The voice tells me, my friends never truly cared.

The voice told me, I was truly better off not existing.

I did pretty well in ignoring that voice. I tried to be a positive presence in people's lives, in my friends' lives and my family's, changing things for the better and acknowledging my flaws. I am trying still. And I will keep trying.

But my stress did not cease. Where hence it came from,I never found out. Was it from a close minded community that I was in? Was it the negativity that I'm seeing on a day to day basis? Or was it from me?

It slowly manifested into a physical form. A physical, self-harming habit. Scratching.

A lot of my friends and family are aware, I am allergic to VARIOUS kinds of things, to the point even going out to eat is troubling. Now, after seeing a skin doctor, I have also realized I am also sensitive to heat, sweat, and dirt, and dust, and most importantly, STRESS.

"Don't stress. Your skin will get worse." "Just don't scratch it!" "Why so stress for?"

Those were the words I was told over and over. But did they truly understand how insane it drove me?

I did not even notice I had dermatillomania, or Excoriation Disorder, until I saw how much bleeding and scarring my skin was starting to get.

For those that are unfamiliar, here is a quote from Wikipedia: ["Excoriation disorder is a mental disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused. Excoriation disorder is defined as "repetitive and compulsive picking of skin which results in tissue damage".

The inability to control the urge to pick is similar to the urge to compulsively pull one's own hair, i.e., trichotillomania.

Researchers have noted the following similarities between trichotillomania and excoriation disorder: the symptoms are ritualistic but there are no preceding obsessions; there are similar triggers for the compulsive actions; both conditions appear to play a role in modifying the arousal level of the subject; and the age of onset for both conditions is similar.

There is also a high level of comorbidity between those that have trichotillomania and those that have excoriation disorder. A notable difference between these conditions is that skin picking seems to be dominated by females whereas trichotillomania is more evenly distributed across genders.

Research has also suggested that excoriation disorder may be thought of as a type of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). Excoriation disorder and OCD are similar in that they both involve "repetitive engagement in behaviors with diminished control" and also both generally decrease anxiety."]

Slowly my skin started bleeding and itching non stop. Even from going out to take out the trash, my skin would sweat, and then immediately result in a maniacal itching that nothing could stop. I scratched myself raw, to the point of bleeding, wearing clothes irritated my skin and gave me even more rashes and scabs, and I was constantly showering.

It did not help at all that I felt tired, fat, ugly and depressed as well.

This is my story. This is why I suddenly decided to come home.

Let it be known that I wasn't a quitter. I fought and I lost, but I didn't give up. I had fought for years, and I will continue to fight again.

I will find a way back on track. I will return stronger. But for now, I am just me. I am tired, sick and in pain.

I just want to go home and recover from all that's happened to me.

If anyone that's truly read this far, This is my message to you. Thank you for caring and thank you for being patient with yourself. Give yourself some credit and be proud. Thank you for being alive and being good to yourself. Do take care of yourself. Nobody else can.

[I am not a stranger to the dark Hide away, they say 'Cause we don't want your broken parts I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars Run away, they say No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust I know that there's a place for us For we are glorious When the sharpest words wanna cut me down I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out I am brave, I am bruised I am who I'm meant to be, this is me Look out 'cause here I come And I'm marching on to the beat I drum I'm not scared to be seen

I make no more apologies, this is me.]

妈妈，爸爸，我回家了.

This is the end of one journey, and a beginning of another.

[techcrunchappcom]

New Post has been published on https://techcrunchapp.com/more-parents-seek-adhd-diagnosis-and-drugs-for-kids-to-manage-remote-learning/

More parents seek ADHD diagnosis and drugs for kids to manage remote learning

Susan McLaughlin’s 12-year-old daughter, Isabela, was a straight-A student before the pandemic. Isabela, who lives in a suburb of Columbus, Ohio, excelled at science and math and was already getting high school credit for algebra.

But when her school shut down in March and classes shifted to Zoom, Isabela’s grades took a nosedive. She signed on for her virtual class from a desk piled high with books, papers and stuffed animals and then spent hours trying to clean her room instead of focusing on schoolwork. She found herself “paralyzed” by assignments, McLaughlin said, but she wouldn’t tell the teacher over email that she was struggling, as she would have done in person.

“It was meltdown after meltdown after meltdown,” said McLaughlin, 53, a mother of three from Delaware, Ohio, who works in a high school with chronically truant children.

McLaughlin recalls one time in April when Isabela, who was already diagnosed with severe anxiety, was given a language arts assignment and “fell to pieces.”

“She was crying and screaming and hyperventilating and started to get some tics, moving her head and flapping her arms. She had never had them before. That’s when we started to consider that it might be ADHD.”

McLaughlin spent months trying to bring more structure to Isabela’s day by writing lists, schedules, timelines and checkboxes. But as someone who was diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder herself a decade ago, McLaughlin realized that she was seeing the same behaviors in Isabela. She thought, “I’ve got to nip this in the bud.”

Isabela is being evaluated by a psychiatrist, a process that takes several hours and requires her teachers to fill out questionnaires about her behavior. McLaughlin hopes that with an ADHD diagnosis, Isabela will be able to get a prescription for a stimulant medication — such as Ritalin, Adderall or Vyvanse — to alleviate her symptoms.

“I know it’s super controversial sometimes. But I’ve been medicated for a long time, and I can’t function without taking it,” McLaughlin said. “If I don’t take my medication, I see an immediate difference in my ability to manage complex tasks, clean the house, get up and cook dinner. So I’m hoping it will have the same effect on her.”

Susan McLaughlin and Isabela Burgeson do schoolwork.Maddie McGarvey

Growing problems

McLaughlin isn’t alone in seeking an ADHD assessment for her child during the pandemic. Two dozen children, pediatricians, psychiatrists, psychologists and researchers all described a crisis among children suffering from inattention and tanking school performance.

Data from specialists involved with diagnosing and treating ADHD show just how much parents are struggling to get help: They are flooding an ADHD support line with questions, and ADHD diagnoses and prescriptions for related medications have soared.

“Covid has been a tipping point that has pushed some families to get help,” said Dr. Melvin Oatis of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, who said the stress of the pandemic, the shift to remote learning and social isolation have created “anxiety-provoking” conditions that affect students’ attention.

Experts warn that children who appear to have symptoms of ADHD should have thorough evaluations to rule out other conditions or stresses related to the pandemic before they seek medication.

“Our concern is that pediatricians and families be very careful to not simply list the symptoms of ADHD, but to look at the child’s history and use differential diagnosis to make sure we have the best possible explanation for the symptoms,” said Dr. Arthur Lavin, a Cleveland-based pediatrician who has served on several national committees of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Related

In the meantime, parents are seeking any help they can find. The number of parents calling a help line set up by CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), a nonprofit that supports people with ADHD, rose by 62 percent since the pandemic started, the organization said. Traffic to its website last year grew by 77 percent compared to 2019.

“We’re getting a lot of calls from caregivers who are working at home alongside their children and starting to see more issues with their behavior than they did before,” said April Gower-Getz, CHADD’s chief operating officer.

They’re certainly trying to get their children evaluated more frequently. The Child Mind Institute, a New York-based nonprofit that helps children with mental health disorders and their families, recorded a 20 percent increase in the number of appointments to discuss medication last year compared to 2019. The “lion’s share” of the appointments were to discuss medication for ADHD, said Dr. Harold Koplewicz, the institute’s founder.

And more parents are getting their children diagnosed and treated with medication for ADHD.

Athenahealth, a technology company that creates practice management software for health care providers, published research in May, drawing on data from its customers, that showed an increase in patients ages 13 to 17 who received new diagnoses of ADHD. From the week of March 9 to the week of March 30, the proportion of visits by teenagers that involved first-time ADHD diagnoses rose by 67 percent. There was a similar spike among teenagers — particularly boys — who received prescriptions for ADHD medicines for the first time.

The cases also seem to have picked up in recent months, said psychologist Keith Sutton, director of the Bay Area Center for ADD/ADHD. He said he had a “sharp increase” in inquiries during the fall.

“Before the summer, everyone was just trying to get through those months,” Sutton said. “Then, in October, when grades were coming back, parents were thinking we’re in it for the long run, something is going on here and we need help.”

Isabela Burgeson thrives with in-person schooling but has been struggling during virtual learning.Maddie McGarvey / for NBC News

Why now?

Experts attribute the increase in inquiries to a variety of factors, including the loss of structure and accommodations in the classroom setting.

Parents are also seeing their children’s troubles during school hours firsthand. Dr. Devang Patel, a family medicine physician in Illinois who specializes in ADHD, is one of several clinicians who said he is fielding more requests from parents for medication for their children.

“When the problem was in front of the teachers, it wasn’t really the parents’ concern,” Patel said. “But now they are at home trying to make their kid sit still for just half an hour and seeing how difficult that is.”

Children also miss the school environment, which helped ameliorate such issues. Dr. Jenny Radesky, a Michigan-based developmental behavioral pediatrician, said she has started prescribing stimulants for children as young as 5 and 6 this year. Their ADHD symptoms were manageable in supportive classrooms with flexible teachers, sensory tools and clear routines. But when those structures went away in March, their symptoms flared up.

“I’m watching kids who used to love school become unenthused and unmotivated,” said Radesky, who said she was worried about the long-term impact of virtual learning. “They need the social environment at school to learn how to regulate themselves. Without that, they are really struggling.”

Related

Parenting challenges

Sasha Harris-Cronin’s 8-year-old son, Z (he chose his own name when he was 6), who is in the third grade, was diagnosed with ADHD in 2019 but didn’t start medication until last August.

Before the pandemic, Z’s school provided accommodations, like seating him directly in front of the teacher, where he wouldn’t be distracted, and making sure he ran around outside during recess.

Harris-Cronin said the shift to Zoom for Z was “awful.”

“It was so difficult. There were so many tears,” she said. Z missed the structure of school and couldn’t focus on Zoom classes. He would take an hour to write four words of a writing assignment. Days would go by when he got “absolutely nothing” done.

When she and Z realized that they were “looking down the barrel of another year like this,” they visited a psychiatrist, who prescribed Ritalin and Metadate.

“It was mind-blowing,” Harris-Cronin said. “He wrote a poem the first day. It’s not a miracle cure. But boy, is it an effective tool.”

Finding relief

Jahkim Hendrix, 18, of Atherton, California, suspected that he had ADHD for many years. But he didn’t get formally evaluated until late last year, during his senior year of high school. He had been falling behind academically the previous year, and when the schools closed in March, it didn’t take long for him to “give up completely.”

“The teacher would be speaking and I’d go blank,” he said, adding that students objected to putting their cameras on for their teachers, which made them — and him — even less accountable. “I would mute my teacher and go on TikTok and stay there for hours. That’s what sustained my attention.”

He barely passed his junior year of high school, and his grades slid from Ds to Fs as he started his senior year last fall. He and his mom, who was also diagnosed with ADHD as a child, decided it was time to seek help. It took two months to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, who evaluated him for over five hours in mid-December.

In late January, he was diagnosed with ADHD.

“I cried with relief,” he said. “I have always been told I have high potential but low performance, and I didn’t know why. Now I have a name to the thing that I’m facing, as well as tools and resources to help me.”

Worried doctors

Many experts said parents and clinicians need to be extra cautious about diagnosing ADHD during a pandemic because a child might show more signs that meet the criteria for the disorder. A diagnosis simply needs six or more symptoms listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the book of mental disorders recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. They include making careless mistakes, struggling to stay focused on tasks, having trouble organizing activities, not following through on instructions, avoiding schoolwork, losing items and being easily distracted.

“The pandemic has substantially disrupted the routines of every family, and that is going to make a good number of children feel like they can’t pay attention so well,” said Lavin, the Cleveland pediatrician. “ADHD might be one of the explanations, but only one. But the stress of a pandemic may also cause inattention.”

Medical experts say someone with ADHD was very likely to show signs before the pandemic began. Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommend lengthy evaluations that take in children’s full developmental histories, surveys parents and teachers and compares symptoms to peers their own ages and genders.

A 15-minute office visit with a pediatrician isn’t long enough to rule out other causes of inattention, such as anxiety, depression and problems at home, said Sutton of the Bay Area Center for ADD/ADHD.

Susan McLaughlin and her daughter, Isabela Burgeson.Maddie McGarvey / for NBC News

Lengthy dependence

As many schools remain closed, some experts said they were concerned about the long-term impact of remote learning for young people with ADHD, particularly teenagers.

Maggie Sibley, a psychologist and researcher at the University of Washington and Seattle Children’s Hospital, has written a research paper, accepted by the Journal of Psychiatric Research, showing that symptoms are worsening and stress levels are skyrocketing among adolescents and young adults with ADHD during the pandemic. That has prompted numerous problems, including social isolation and disengagement from class.

“A person with ADHD typically has fewer friends and less social activities in their calendar,” she said. “A lot are getting their only social interactions at school.”

Students with ADHD were at particular risk of depression and dropping out of school, the study concluded.

“If you are in a situation where you are experiencing chronic boredom, getting poor grades in school, socially isolated and stuck in a house, it’s a recipe for depression,” Sibley said. While suicide isn’t an inevitable result, “we have to be vigilant down the road, especially since we know from research that when people with ADHD get depressed, they are more likely to make suicidal gestures because of their impulsivity.”

Susan McLaughlin will find out whether Isabela has ADHD at a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday. While they wait, Isabela continues to battle with her assignments, particularly on Thursdays and Fridays, when class is entirely self-directed.

“I just want her to be everything she can be, a happy, well-adjusted 12-year-old — or as well-adjusted as anyone can be at this point.”

[troubleblurose-blog]

My Dumbass 5SOS Experiance // Part Uno

I know exactly what you’re thinking. I know, because well, I am one of you. The 5SOSFam that is; I made it sound like we’re our own separate alien race. But look at the people we stan... It makes a little too much sense, doesn’t it? Not even a paragraph in, and I’m already unraveling a conspiracy theory like Shane Dawson. You know him- “You look so fucking something, in my underwear while she wearing them! There’s my poop stain, on her butt.” Yeah, that funny motherfucker. 

You’re probably thinking- ‘Oh, just another fan who really wants the same thing I do.’

I’m not gonna pretend, or lie to make my situation seem special. You’re fucking right, that is exactly who I am. We all have our bumps in the road, after all, we’re all human. Or aliens, I don’t really know anymore. It’s not only science that has gone too far at this point, I am now a contributing factor to the random things that make you question what the fuck this world is becoming.

I’m not about to level with you, or give you a sob story. It could seem that way, but every detail I write is a detail I wouldn’t ever erase. Every problem I’ve encountered, or dumb ass decision I’ve written is something that made me the well rounded person I am today. These are past events, though I am currently handling some of the debris of them. I’m still coping with illness, and things like that. When I write these events, just know, while they are awful I am used to them. That sounds bad, but I don’t know any different. They do hurt greatly at times, but that’s just building more character and strength in the end. 

-Trigger/Graphic Event Warning-

Let’s start out simple and #relatable; I struggle(d) with:

Bi-Polar Depression (Mood swings between extremely jolly, and devastatingly upset.) 

Anxiety (Having a hard time staying composed in times of little stress, or in many social situations.) 

Insomnia (Getting little to no sleep/getting no well-rested sleep at night.) 

Self-Harm (Hurting yourself in ways such as eating disorders, or various forms of mutilation.)

Suicide (Trying to end your own life.)

Those are the things this is somewhat covering, but by no means are they the point I’m trying to make. They aren’t what make up me, and they aren’t what make up this letter. 

To understand the substance of the seemingly overused words on your screen, you need to know a bit about who I am first. Otherwise this could seem like every generic fanfiction. You know what I’m talking about. Eyes are always called orbs. Every meeting involves someone spilling something on someone else. Dicks are always refferred to as members. Calum is usually an asshole with a tragic life story. Mikey is usually a bad boy; who gets a soft spot for the main girl for some unknown reason. Ashton is either super sweet in his old dad way, or a complete arrogant prick. Luke, well he always bounces between popular and nerdy often. Have I made my point?

I’m gonna get relatable again when I say, there isn’t a lot I’m good at. When I am good at something, it has no use in my daily life. I can’t divide fractions, but I can hit every note in guitar hero. I can’t socially interact, but I can make bomb-ass Turkey Bacon Cojacks. I don’t know where all the states are, but I can rap Migrane. My skills are only useful to me, basically. My point being, I was practically useless in class. When I was staying home from school on the normal, from avoiding my problems and lack of motivation, I felt so useless. Like as useless as a newspaper is to a teenager. 

We all have some activity that makes us feel important, though. To Donald Trump, it’s putting down anyone who isn’t a straight white male. To Bo Burnham, it’s making people laugh with his odd perspective and unique means of comedy. Me? It’s always been when I’m on stage. I love hearing my voice being amplified to bring together people from all walks of life. When I’m writing lyrics, I feel like every syllable can make a difference in someone’s life. There’s just something thrilling about worrying you’ll sing the wrong lyric, and doing so because you were worrying about it. 

I’m not gonna say this was always my passion; when I was younger I made a very motivational speech about wanting to be a mermaid. “I WILL be a mermaid, and I WILL live under the sea.” If you think that’s odd, I know of a kid who wanted to be a trash compactor. After I discovered I couldn’t grow a tail, and I ended up not being a fan of swimming in a casino, I wanted to preform. That’s been my dream since I can remember. I’ve always been pretty witty, like I’d have to leave my wit behind   before boarding a plane it’s so sharp. I learned I get more happiness when making others smile, than I do by making myself smile.

A stage is the one place I’m not useless, and being a musician is what I was born to do. I will look anyone in the eye and tell them I'm gonna be so famous one day, because that's exactly what I believe. I know I'm not where I want to be, so it's as simple as I'm gonna move. You need to remember that the only way you can fail is if you give up. It's pretty annoying how bad I am at that. I don't only try to achieve my goals, I try to over-achieve them. I live off my intuition, I'm definitely the ride-or-die type of person in EVERYTHING I do. Making a fool of myself? I'll record it so people can hold it against me for the rest of my life. Dissapointing my parents? Well I am going to Uni for music with no back up plan. Meet 5sos? Well... That's where this fiasco begins.

Welcome to the jungle my fellow fam.

Let’s go back to the first weekend of May 2017. Yes, I really did start this journey on a weekend in May. Yes, I really did it just so I can make that reference. Maybe I started a bit before that, but I committed to it on that first Saturday. At that time I had been in the fam for a couple of months, and  I did go through the phase when I couldn’t tell Lucifer and Ashtonio apart. I however didn’t assume Calcium was Asian, I assumed he was Hispanic. I mean have you seen the ‘Hey Everybody!’ video? That was rhetorical, of course you have. He walked dogs, he was practically Ceasar911! 

Well at this time I was still self-harming, I was still suicidal, and music is very influential to me. I tend to form bonds with songs because music tends to be my main comfort. Music has always been there when no one ever was. There's just such an intense bond for me, with listening and creating it. When I write I don't just think about lyrics, I can hear the chord progressions and melodies. Unfortunately I don't have enough experience with intstruments yet to share the finished product of my own music. 

With 5SOS however, that connection was a lot different. I  appreciate the artists always, though I never tend to feel anything more than that. I didn't feel that at all, I felt a boner. I'm kidding, I just really wanted to say that. Usually with musicians, since I am a fellow musican, I tend to idolize the ones who make music I enjoy. Yes, I know I'm stating the obvious. The thing is, after the whole initiation of binging keeks, interviews, funny moments, and the movie- I didn't once feel like they were above me in any way. Not even in a sexual dream  enduced by falling asleep to Aerosmith. No, that wasn't too specific of a scenario.

They just made me feel understood in a way no one has. Not just because I'm so proud about being a gigantic dork. We were in the same boat, we had the same oar, we wanted  to get to the same island that appearantly no one has heard of, we had the same belief that it exists, and the same thing  about not being satisfyed with any of the millions of already existing islands. That was quite the metaphor, hehe. It's chalked down to similar situations, interests, humor, personalities, and  impeccable music taste. It could also be that we are close in age, but then I'd be connected to millions of other people. That doesn't sound possible for me at the moment, but wait a couple years.

So I was chilling, laughing at Calcium crossing the border with his homie Mike, when I had the thought- What if I met them? In my mind, I thought there would be at least a year before they come to Illinois again, so I had time to save money. It became a goal for me, one I was quite sure would never happen. As we discussed, I'm an over achiever with all of my goals. So what did I do? Well it would be so easy to say I wrote each of them a letter. I can't do anything that simple, I'm far too creative for that simplicity. 

From then to now, in almost a years time, so much happened from there. I met one of my closest friends who happens to be an Aussie; all because of a 5sos meme post, and her lack of ability to use Instagram properly. My family fell apart, and I'm not keen on going into detail. Let's just say I've gotten to consider the 5SOSFam as my only real family. I love you guys, you're a wonderful group of humans with a trail mix variety of nuts. Thank you for existing, and for reading this far. 

Over the time I worked, I wrote and drafted maybe 500 different letters? As of late, I actually haven't gotten any letters finished. I made 4 bracelets, not a giant accomplishment. I'm 4/5 the way done with a poster I designed for Calcium. I made Lucas a fetus 5SOS wooden box, and a 5SOS money jar. I wrote Mikey a novel about him as a superhero, with a fan-art for it. That's kind of big actually cause I've never finished writing a longer story before. There's more things, but I don't want to get too technical with it.

I think I have to say the thing that I put most my effort in was a large journal for Ashton. That's because it's filled with art, tumblr posts, and lyrics. I'm a perfectionist when it comes to all of those things. At this point it has some holes because I've drafted the entire 100 or 200 pages over at least 8 different times. Nothing in it is original to the day I started, I made so many mistakes early 2017 for myself and that journal. I was working on the journal when I decided to attempt suicide for the second time.

It's completely crazy, but I've been through a lot with that journal. All of that started with the smallest idea. From the time I started to right now, I've changed so fucking much. I know how to handle my illness, I'm clean of self-harm, I lost a family and gained a new one, I failed at dying and learned how to live, I made an amazing friend, I got closer with my already existing amazing friend, I got a drum-kit, I somehow became a good lyricist, I found my music sound, my singing voice matured unbelievably, I got and lost pets, I got and lost relationships, I'm now in Uni, I'm more independent... I'm finally at the point where I can believe it does in fact get better.

That seems crazy given I've gone through more in 2017-2018 than I did when I came out about my depression, but maybe that's because I know how to spin it. I know how to handle life. Now everytime I'm scared to do something, I do it. Cause that is how you live, that's how you write, that's how you learn. I wouldn't recognize myself. I've gone from broken, bullied, and suicidal to seeing the beauty in my missing pieces, realizing I deserve better, and actually getting out of bed.

I think it might be because of the journal... 

Hear me out, hear me out. I'm not saying it made me who I am, there's a difference between knowing and believing. Just like the difference between reading and comprehending. The difference between seeing and feeling. When I started that I could only talk the talk. Hell, when I started I had a case of putting them on a pedestal. It was never intentional, at the time I didn't even think I was worth anything. Now I see them as equals in most ways, cause when I see them be how they are I feel like I belong somewhere. I mean, I've always strayed from the majority just because I'd rather be myself and be disliked than be liked for being someone I'm not. I never saw the appeal in fitting in other than having someone to sit with at lunch. I didn't need to belong, even though it would have been nice to feel at home somewhere.

That's what I got when I found the dorks. I don't have to play a part to feel like I belong around them. I can be me, and still feel like I fit in. Not conformity, but genuine compatibility. Before them I was made fun of for being weird. I was made fun of for having my own style, for the song references no one understood, for how much I giggle. I was made fun of for my a many ambitious, none of which being realistic. But I still do all of these things. I still sing louder than everyone else. I still air drum and head bang to songs like Careless Whisper because it's really funny in contrast. I still play games, randomly balance objects on my head, dance in public because I don't give a shit about what people think when I'm having fun. 5SOS just helped me realize that girl who I wished I wasn't for most of my life, is actually the only person I'd ever want to be. Unless I could be Will Smith as Deadpool, then I immediately trash my last statement. 

This is gonna get a bit heavy for a moment, but during that last attempt, as I was losing life I was legit thinking about them. How messed up is that? My life was so shitty my dying thoughts were about four idiots from Sydney. But that's how it was, they were my coping skill. I couldn't hold onto life for me after that, so I held on for them. Not because they'd know the difference if I was gone, let's be real, they wouldn't. If they knew of me then maybe, but I was so low on life's food chain at that point. I held onto the idea of making this epic stuff, and handing it to them. 

I'm not even done with the journal!

I had a history of putting too much of myself into things and then being let down and loosing that part of me. So I don't do it, but it became something I did without realizing it. I don't know what I thought would happen. Maybe they'd like who I was, and would want to have a conversation. Maybe I'd be thrown into the fanfic life and get to hang out. Like a beach bonfire filled with laughter, various awesome people, classic rock, teasing, and knowing me, lots of dick jokes accompanying many innuendos. Maybe I'd end up in LA, and get signed to a rock label. I know I'm saying it like it's simple, trust me, I know all too well the effort it takes.

I gained some real maturity, and became even more well rounded. Though I was always the mature one who made a few mistakes here and there. That's one of the reasons I didn't fit in, I was like a 30 year old when I was 13. I'm not gonna say it wouldn't be cool to end up being their home diggle, but now I'm living for me. I saved myself, and they influenced me to. They leant me a helping hand. It would be epic to chill, or to collab on a song. Hell, if I got an opportunity to get signed to Hi or Hey I'd take it in a heartbeat. A small part of it is because I think the dorks are cool in their own odd way, but mostly because the company itself is an awesome fit for me. It produces the same sound I'd like to make, and it sends the same message-

[smugwanderlust]

Hello all, I hope everyone is having a splendid quarantine. Ha! What a ridiculous thing to say because I am sure no one is actually enjoying the quarantine, but if you are, good for you.

Like I mentioned in my last blog I am pretty stressed out over all of this and I know that I am not the only one. My husband is an assistant supervisor at a vitamin factory, Designs For Health, and due to high demand he is working way more then he should. Not to mention that half the employees had to leave temporaryly because they were deemed high risk, which results in my husband work 60-90 hour work weeks. Which of course translates to me parenting solo. That is my own personal stress and I know that a lot of people have it worse then me so I am not complaining. Simply, getting my thoughts out of my head.

I’ll be relived, as will most of the nation when this whole thing blows over and life can get back to normal.

Anyways, I am way off topic here. I wanted to talk to you guys about my acne problem and the solutions I have found that have helped me.

First let me just say that I had a slight acne problem in high school. I’d breakout here and there but never anything super serious. Which was very fortunate for me. I think it was because I didn’t wear makeup and I had pretty strict diet. It helped, I guess (depending on how you look at it), that my boyfriend at the time didn’t like it when I wore makeup and was not a fan of junk food. Looking back he was kind of an asshat but c’est la vie. He was a former quarter back of his high school and had big dreams of making it into the NFL, until a snowboarding accident tore that dream apart. Insert dramatic music, dum dum dum…

Anyways, because of his dreams he was always careful of what he ate and watched what I ate as well. Not that I ate much because I had a slight…ok maybe more then slight… eating disorder. I remember one time after school, my ex and I were hanging out and I grabbed some potato chips out of the pantry and he watched me eat them. I counted and 10 chips in he said that was more then enough taking the bag away from me and putting it back into the cupboard. I asked him if he thought I was eating to much and he said, and I’ll never forget this, that I was gaining a little weight but he didn’t like it when I ate junk because it made my face break out. I told him that I could cover it up with makeup and he said makeup was for girls who had something to hide. That if I took care of myself I wouldn’t need it.

Well, I was 115 lbs, and far from fat. It came across the wrong way but the point was a valid one. (Also I just want to say that he turned out to be a really great personal and pastors at a church now. My memories are of him 10 years ago.)

Really quick, let me embarrass myself by showcasing me in high school! What a laugh…

15 & Glamorous (My goth days…)

Back when too much eye-liner was the “cool” thing to do

16 & Sunburnt

17, friends, & the beaches of Mexico

17 & Rocking my first selfie…(yikes!)

Senior Prom

Senior Prom

Class of 2009

16 & Sunburnt

Class of 2009

17 & Rocking my first selfie…(yikes!)

Senior Prom

17, friends, & the beaches of Mexico

Back when too much eye-liner was the “cool” thing to do

15 & Glamorous (My goth days…)

Senior Prom

Senior Prom

Class of 2009

Senior Prom

17 & Rocking my first selfie…(yikes!)

16 & Sunburnt

Anyways…

When it comes to our skincare and our acne problems one of the first things you can do to help your skin is give it a break. A break from oily makeup and lotions. Also, give your body a break. Being healthy on the inside WILL reflect on the outside. This is coming from the queen of pizza and M&Ms, so believe me, I know how hard it is to switch out the bad for the good. It is my number one thing that I do though if I am experiencing a breakout, cut out the junk.

Like I said, I didn’t have too much trouble with acne in high school, but I had huge amounts of trouble with acne after I had my first child and my pre-thirties hit.

I am almost 30, let’s have a moment if silence…

Ok, moving swiftly on….

Let me show you some pictures of my skin last January.

Gross right?

I tried everything from witch hazel to 29 different skincare lines. Which was A LOT. I bought the high end items at Ulta Beauty, best sellers on Amazon, and almost everything Target had to offer. I also paid for expensive facials, but NOTHING, was working. It was crazy and very embarrassing. Not to mention terrible for my self-esteem.

Anyways, I needed to find something, anything, really that would make my skin look better.

I reached out to my cousin, who is a consultant for Arbonne. We tried a few products and for the first time in this get-this-acne-the-hell-off-my-face journey I had relief. Now I have a solid skincare routine and my face looks SO MUCH BETTER!

See for yourself:

The photo on the left, is screen grabbed from a video I did with my daughter, I didn’t even have enough self esteem to take a selfie last year. Sad right? Well the photo on the right is me one year later and all I am wearing in the second photo is mascara. The difference is evident. However I posted a few more fresh-out-of-the -shower pictures to further drive my my point home.

As you can see I still have few problem areas but overall… IT IS MUCH BETTER! Not bad looking for being a few months shy of the big THREE O (30 in case that was confusing.)

So, here is the deal, I am not an expert or some famed blogger trying to make the big bucks… Is that even a thing? hmmm…

At any rate, I am going to give you some solid tips that really helped me overcome my acne problem.

Acne Tips & Tricks:

Cut out dairy, gluten, soy, unhealthy fats and sugars. I know that this is a tough one, believe I KNOW. I could eat frozen pizza, Dr. Pepper, and M&Ms DAILY. I am a firm believer that if you are healthy on the inside it will reflect on the outside. I am sure there is a lot of science behind this but today I wanted to blog from the heart and not give out an overkill of information.

Use Tea Tree Oil: Tea tree oil can be a powerful weapon against acne. Several studies have shown that it helps reduce the severity of a breakout. You can make your own acne treatment by mixing one part tea tree oil with nine parts water and applying the mixture to affected areas with a cotton swab once or twice a day, as needed. This for sure works for me, if I of course, combine it with other helpful get-rid-of-acne tricks. Another way to go about this is adding a few drops to your moisturizer.

CHANGE YOUR PILLOWCASE! OK, I know that you don’t want to be yelled at for not changing your pillowcase – especially by some random blogger – but I swear on the bible (Forgive me Jesus) that this works. Think about all the nasty oils your body, hair, and face create throughout the day and at night? Then you sleep in that fifth night after night after night. Ew. just, EW y’all. I change my pillowcase / sheets at least once a week. Even if you shower at night – your sheets still collect the nasties! Especially if you’re doing the nasty (sorry grandma.) So change em!

Use a fresh washcloth daily. Ugh, I know, this only means MORE laundry… and trust me I get that. I mean I have a seven month old and a three year old… plus a spouse who rarely does chores. So I get it, I really do, but when a washrag sits out for awhile its collects bacteria and then you wash your face with it… at that point you are only spreading the bacteria all over your face. This is also true for dishtowels. Consider this: Nothing is ever completely germ-free, even a fresh towel that has just come from the dryer. Yikes! So naturally a used washcloth that is left to air out each day gives bacteria and other microbes more of a chance to grow and spread. Yummy… only not so much, right? Each time you use a cloth to wash your face, dead skin cells get caught in it, providing even more food for the bacteria that gather in the towel. Laundering your washcloth regularly may not kill every germ it contains, but it will lessen the overall amount of bacteria and decrease your chances of catching an illness [source: National Institutes of Health]. I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t poulute you with sources tonight but I had to on this one.

Take time to relax: Stress and anxiety are a big cause to my acne flair ups. I have learned to take time for me and relax when I am feeling overwhelmed. As hard as this may be sometimes. and believe me I get that too, but it is needed and will help you look/feel so much better. So do something for you, write, read, watch a movie, girls night out… whatever, just take the time relax and de-stress.

Clean your makeup utensils: I CANNOT stress the importance of this enough. Just as bacteria grows on washcloths, it can grow into your beauty items as well. For more information on this please read my blog, Makeup Brush 101.

Haircare: If you have oily or greasy hair and you wear it down a lot, or you have bangs and it rests on your forehead the oils will spread to your face. If your haircare routine is leaving your hair oily then it’s time to find something new. You don’t want those oils transferring to your face. When my acne flairs up I tend to wear my hair completely out of my face until it clears up.

Don’t pick your face OR pop those pimples: There is so much information on this topic that I am simply going to leave you a link, that you should check out, because it has some great advice. Very Well Health.

Stay hydrated: Like I was talking about earlier it is important to have a healthy gut and part of having a healthy gut is drinking ample amounts of water. Seems weird but I double my water intake every time I have a flare up because toxins flush out my system faster.

Have a good skincare routine: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT! Why?

 Our skin sheds itself daily

Beautiful skin is a lifelong process – If you want gorgeous skin 30 years from now, the choices you make today will make that happen.

PREVENTION IS EASIER AND CHEAPER – Taking good care of your skin health daily will save you money in the long run. Skin problems like deep wrinkles, hyperpigmentation, acne scarring, or other skin issues can be prevented with a daily skin care routine and can prevent costly trips to a dermatologist or plastic surgeon in the future.

When you look good you feel good. 

Consistency is Key: Trying a new product once or twice and expecting to see dramatic results won’t happen, unfortunately. The best way to see results with your skin is to keep coming back time after time, day after day, and sticking with it. In the end, you’ll see far more results with a long term plan than you will with a week-long “miracle treatment.” 

Skin is your largest organ so protect it!

  In the end, everyone has different skin, different genes, and a different lifestyles so it is very important to find a skincare solution that works for you and sticking with it. I obviously have my routine down pat. I don’t want this to be some annoying sales pitch, because it is not. These tips can and will help you as long as you maintain good skincare habits along side them.

Now, if you are wanting help finding a good skincare solution, I would be more then willing to help but that is up to you.

Feel free to reach me at clkadron@gmail.com or my Facebook page.

Love you all & thank you for reading!

Until next time.

Acne 101: How I solved my problem. Hello all, I hope everyone is having a splendid quarantine. Ha! What a ridiculous thing to say because I am sure no one is actually enjoying the quarantine, but if you are, good for you.

[that-sun-eyed-girl]

You can’t buy happiness...

...but you can buy ice cream during golden hour at a music festival, which is close enough to me 🌞🎶💜

Also I wrote a thing for World Mental Health Day:

An Unabridged Account of My Battle with Anxiety

(aka why World Mental Health Day is important to me)

Hello! My name is Laurin.  I’m a 24-year-old Registered Nurse currently living in the Washington DC area.  I was born in Tokyo, raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, went to college in Philly, and have traveled many places in between.  In my spare time I like to take pictures, go on food adventures, travel and explore new cities, and attend music shows and festivals.

Oh, and I’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder.

It’s hard to pinpoint when I started having “a problem.”  I grew up in a stereotypical Asian household where academics were emphasized and emotions were minimally expressed.  My dad was sick growing up, so that added to my everyday stress of juggling rigorous classes and teenage hormones.  I started having sleeping problems when I was 14 or so.  I would toss and turn in bed for hours, and eventually give up to surf the web and watch YouTube videos.  I felt tired all the time, but never felt like I could get enough sleep even if I had the chance to.

I do remember when I first felt depressed.  It was my sophomore year fall: my dad ended up in the hospital for a few weeks because the doctors were trying to decide what kind of medication regimen to safely put him on.  To add to that, my grades dropped slightly, and the boy I liked at the time was giving me a hard time (looking back, the latter was pretty silly).  I remember rolling around in bed and crying, telling myself that I couldn’t physically hurt myself because my aunt had committed suicide a few years back and it destroyed my mom.  Internally though, I was a mess and didn’t know who to turn to.  Eventually, my dad came home, my grades came back up, and I found a new boy to crush on (lol), so the dark feelings went away.

As much as I love my parents, I felt so alone whenever I had these emotional breakdowns.  Sometimes they were the root of the problem, like when my mom would scream (or worse, be passive aggressive) about my grades and responsibilities.  Most times, I felt like it was easier to close myself off and just “push through.”

When it came to apply to colleges, I was ready to be independent and literally only looked into schools at least 200 miles away from my house.  I really wanted to go to UCLA because it was far enough that I could be on my own, so I cried for a week straight when I received the rejection letter in my email inbox.  A few weeks later, I checked my Penn application portal, and found out that I had been accepted into a “top 10 school.”

I couldn’t believe it.  My mom set high standards for me growing up and never praised me for my grades, so I always assumed I wasn’t good enough for an Ivy League school.  In fact, I only had applied because my college counselor said that I had a good chance with my profile.  After the initial excitement, I pondered for weeks if I was indeed “good enough” to go to such a difficult school.  I ended up signing my acceptance on the last possible day to do so, mostly because my parents pressured me to.

My first few semesters at Penn went well.  I made friends, especially after I joined a sorority, and got decent grades.  For the most part I was happy.  I still struggled with anxiety-induced insomnia, especially if I received a bad mark on an assignment or exam, but managed to handle everything okay.

Then one day my sister called me and said that our dad fell, hit his head, and ended up in the ICU.

I couldn’t believe it at first.  My dad’s health was declining since I graduated high school, but he was still so happy and could function independently for the most part.   He couldn’t drive anymore, which was difficult for him since we lived in the suburbs, but he always found a way to go exercise and meet up with his friends.  How could my dad, who already outlived his prognosis by over 5 years, be so sick suddenly?

I immediately fell into “hibernation mode.” I was sleeping over 13 hours at a time, and would only wake up to eat and attempt to study.  And by “studying,” I mean “staring at my textbooks hoping that I would absorb any information.”  This happened right before my finals, and I ended up having to ask my professors for extensions because I couldn’t even get out of bed.  I remember my friends telling me that they thought it was unfair that I got to take my finals after Winter Break since physically I looked fine, which made me feel worse about everything.

The rest of that year is honestly a blur.  My dad was in and out of the hospital and hospice care, and I felt helpless since I was over 3000 miles away from home.  I got a D on my second pharmacology exam and asked my academic advisor if I could drop the course and take it over the summer.  She told me that since the class was only offered once a year, if I were to drop the course, I would have to take two semesters off and delay my graduation.  I knew my mom wouldn’t let me take time off (and risk losing my tuition grants), so I just “pushed though” again.

“Pushing through” is an accurate depiction of the rest of my college years actually.  I would constantly be stressed that I wasn’t doing well in my classes, almost to the point where I risked having to repeat courses.  No matter how hard I would study, my grades were mediocre at best.  My friends had a hard time understanding why I was struggling so much.  Some of them joked that I was partying too hard, but I would be studying to the point where I would burn out and score poorly no matter how hard I tried.

I started seeing a counselor on a bimonthly basis, which helped.  I would mostly talk about how depressed I was about my dad’s death and how I wanted school to be over.  I would alternate between tossing and turning and averaging 3-5 hours of sleep a night, and skipping classes because I just couldn’t wake up.  To help me feel happier, I would travel as much as I could on a nursing student’s crammed schedule and budget.  I would find the best deals on Megabus and visit friends from other schools who didn’t care if my grades sucked and welcomed me into their social circles.

Eventually I managed to complete my nursing school requirements and it was time to graduate.  My mom visited me for the first time since I started school, and, being the “Asian mom” she is, asked when I was going back for my Master’s.  No “Congratulations on graduating [from an overly competitive nursing school on time].”  Part of it was my fault for promising my mom when I was 17 that I would get my Master’s in nursing since I didn’t want to go to medical school.  But I just felt pressured again to find a job and get ready for the rest of my life.

After paperwork issues regarding my licensing exam that were beyond my control, I passed my boards on the first try.  Next came finding a job, which I managed to do 7 months after I graduated. I pretty much felt pressured to take the first job offer I got, especially since most of my friends were happily employed at this point.  I naively didn’t ask around and assumed everything would work out again, and packed my bags to move across country once more.  At first, everything seemed perfect.  I was more broke than I ever had been, but I had a full time job with real benefits!

Soon after though, things took turn for the worse.  I had bad chemistry with my preceptor, and my manager sided with her when I tried to speak up and asked for a switch.  I went back to counseling, where the social worker reassured me that I was doing my best.  Eventually though, I decided that crying every day and second guessing myself wasn’t worth it, so I resigned.

My anxiety started peaking around this time.  I was without a job again, 3000 miles away from home, with minimal savings.  I think I averaged 3 hours of sleep a night for over 2 weeks.  I went to go back to visit Penn and just broke down in front of my friends and advisors.  They were all concerned for me to the point where I ended up in a 24-hour psychiatric hold.

Now this is where things get complicated.  I talked to the nurses and doctors about what happened and how I did NOT feel like hurting myself or others, but they were apprehensive about me since a Penn student had just committed suicide a week before.  I also refused to let them call my mom since she was in Japan, and my sister was still in school in LA.  I promised them that I had a strong support system and would seek help when I went back to DC that evening.  I was ready to get the help I needed.

I still am not 100% sure what happened after this, but my phone was hacked into sometime during and/or after my hospitalization.  My friends and family were receiving weird phone call and messages from my phone number and Facebook/Gmail/etc accounts.  I tried explaining to them that the messages were not coming from me, but they were skeptical of believing me since I had just been in a psychiatric facility.  I was also receiving strange messages and screen errors even after I factory reset my devices and tried new ones.

I made a comprehensive list of all the weird things I managed to catch and reached out to my phone provider, social media platforms, and my old counselor’s office back at Penn.  I even got my devices forensically scanned by a professional to detect any malware.  The detective said that there was definitely suspicious activity but he couldn’t pinpoint anything.  Eventually, the strange messages stopped, so I let it go and went about my life.  I still get weird screens every once in awhile, but I just let it be.

Regarding my anxiety, I started seeing a psychologist again to talk about my problems.  It’s hard to fit in weekly session with my crazy schedule, but I know that I need it.  I started having unsettling dreams, mostly about work, which my psychologist addressed as PTSD-like symptoms.  I spent countless hours trying to find a psychiatrist in my network would understand my symptoms.  After months of searching, I finally found a doctor an hour away who prescribed me Trazodone and Ativan for my insomnia/anxiety.  I finally started sleeping well again.

Why am I writing all of this out for the internet to see?  Because today, October 10th, is World Mental Health Day.  Today also happens to mark exactly one year since I started my current job.  If you asked me back then, I don’t think I expected to be this much happier.  I am still struggling with anxiety and mood swings in general, but I definitely am doing so much better.

If you managed to read up until this point, I want to say thank you for reading my story.  Also shoutout to everyone who has stuck with me through the thick and thin, because I know it’s been a difficult journey for everyone involved.  Mental health is a topic that isn’t talked about enough, even though the statistics show that it’s almost too common in our day and age. I’m lucky enough to have a loving boyfriend and caring friends that listen to me rant, buy me food and make sure I’m okay, but I know some people aren’t.  

Please take care of each other and understand that people struggle for various reasons, and sometimes just need some time, professional help, medications, etc to make them feel “normal” again.  And if you personally need someone to talk to, I’m always an open ear 😊

Xoxo

[vividlilyart]

I’ve been fairly busy of late. Always good to feel that you’re being productive, that is until this week. Clinics have quietened a little, giving me a bit of time for reflection and much needed hours of rest, or active rest as I put it. There’s always things to be done, however some are less taxing than others.  Like writing and painting, it brings so much joy, but it has taken quite a back seat over the last few months. In particular my blog has become more and more sporadic. Sure I’ve scrawled the odd poetic verse down, but as for writing anything substantial, it just hasn’t happened. Coming from such intensity, to relative calm can be like someone slamming on the brakes for an emergency stop. You can end up over shooting, a little dazed and wondering what the hell happened. I’m thinking perhaps creatively, that has created some kind of confused vortex in my head, stunting my output a little. I guess patience is key at times like these.

And then sometimes you become distracted by the wrong things and lose a part of yourself. That little flame that burns inside, isn’t fed well enough and starts to struggle. I have a very rich and fulfilling life in many ways. I have a good family, some amazing and inspirational friends,  a rewarding if tiring (at times) job and I’ve managed to fill my life with things that I love. My gratitude goes out to all of that for keeping me going.

I’ve been lucky enough to attend a few rather awesome events lately. One being the London Astrobeat Arkestra, performing Talking Heads. A rather warm evening at Wylam with a lot of happy people, drinking good beer and dancing lots. Dancing, always good for the soul!

The other memorable performance was by the National Theatres production of ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time’. I feel I should have read the book, but sometimes that’s the wrong way around to do it. 

A brief synopsis and potential “spoiler alert”… 

It’s told from the perspective of a 15 year old boy who suffers from a condition on the autistic spectrum, I’d also speculate that he potentially suffers from epilepsy as these conditions can often go hand in hand. It tells a story through his eyes, his world which is very much a reality, as we all have our own realities. It starts with the discovery of a dog that has been murdered with a pitch fork and he makes it his “project” to find out who the murderer actually is. His parents do the best to cope with the boys disorder, however amidst the difficulties, his mother grows close to a neighbour and they depart for a life together in London. Leaving the father, and wife’s neighbour to pick up the pieces, the boy remains unaware of circumstances and is told that his mother was taken into hospital after having a heart attack and died. This is accepted until the boy finds out via hidden letters that his mum has been writing letters to him, which have been hidden, alongside the story he was writing about his life and investigations into the murdered dog which his father confiscated. He runs away to London to find his mum and, well I’ll not fill you in on all of the story as I’m mainly concerned about the theatrical portrayal of it and how it was executed. The lighting, the gobos (films put over the lights to create effects), the use of numbers and words. Reference to Eisenstein theory of relativity on space and time, prime numbers and the speed and manor at which they were projected onto the stage. The portrayal of how one mind can work within a world, but see things and deal with mundane everyday situations, so completely differently.

The use of physical theatre and the interaction between characters was quite phenomenal. There were moments that choked you and made you teary eyed and moments that made you laugh out loud, engaging and soulful. I left my worries about the pet rat bouncing around a cage as the boy ran around the set, when I realised they’d done a switch. Nice touch with the puppy too, you might have known that was going to tug at the heartstrings.

It took me back to a book I read several years ago called, 'Shock of the Fall’, by Nathan Filer. That too had a storyline of a young lead character and his family dealing with mental health issues and disability. Highly recommended if you’re short on something to read. Anyway, big thumbs up to the National Theatre who did a sterling job on this production!

I’ve pulled together a whole summer of fun over the past few weeks and the weather has even warmed up. I’m all about the outdoors at heart and sun always provides added enjoyment, not to mention much needed vitamin D; which I could have cried for a couple of months ago. Long may it continue over the festival period is all I can say. You’ll find me and Boo at the beach, ankle deep in the sea and clutching a little blue plastic bucket and spade at every given opportunity…

Next topic, the election. It’s over, phew! No matter how you voted, hopefully things will improve for the greater good of us all....eventually. Things take time I guess. After all of the anxiety, worry and even partying into the small hours that I heard about, hopefully we can all get some sleep tonight! (You can see I’m a little slow in posting this one…)

Looking at recent events in London and Manchester, more tragic news, circumstances which to anyone with any decency are baffling. These acts solve nothing, these people want to solve nothing. It is simply and act of appearing in control seemingly. See what we can do. To cause terror amongst the innocent, to take away life. We’re all born innocent, we may or may not be brought up in a religious setting. Introduce extremist politics and a need to be right to this, you have problems. I’m not sure that religion is the problem per se. I have known some of the most humble and generous people in various religions, I’ve also heard of some of the worst offenders sitting claiming their god is all. Religion doesn’t make you good or bad and socially speaking we all know innately what is good and bad. There are few ways out of this. I’m a huge believer that we are all one and the same, no matter who we choose to worship or not. You live, you learn and in that you know that such heinous acts instigate nothing but hate, rebellion and divisiveness. And if that is the intention, people will never ever lead a truly peaceful whole life. People need people, need love, we need the earth and all that it comes with; common sense really. I guess one day the earth will kick us all off, but in the universes greater powers, that’s for it to decide as and when. In the meantime I’d like to send a lot of love out there to anyone who needs it. I open my heart to anyone who feels alone, unsure or isolated. Whether it works on a collective level or anything else, it’s healthier than building up and spewing out negative energy. Acknowledge the bad yes, it is only human after all, but hopefully one day, one will cancel out the other.

[krabby-kronicle]

I did it! I wrote the letter! Here it is. I want to hear yalls opinion before i send it to Mr. Vincent.

Dear Mr. Waller, this letter is to everyone that has worked on Spongebob ever including you! The voice actors, animators, painters, storyboard artists, etc. this letter is to everyone! I have been a fan of Spongebob since I was 3 years old. I am now 17, in college, and still watch Spongebob everyday. I even own and run a blog on tumblr dedicated to Spongebob called krabby-kronicle. As of this writing, it has 60,000 followers! I’m very nervous about writing this so I apologize if I am repetitive or random when it comes to telling you my story. I’ve had a pretty hard life. My parents divorced when I was 2 then my mom remarried right after and my step siblings were very abusive. I won’t go into details as this is supposed to be a happy letter but I’m sure you can assume a little of what I went through. When I was 8 she finally left him but the damage was already done. I had depression and anxiety. My mom then remarried again to another man. Luckily he didn’t have any children but he was abusive towards me. She divorced him just recently. About 3 years ago, I was going to commit suicide. When it was found out, I was sent to a hospital for 8 days. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, major depression and OCD. I am a lot better now but I am struggling right now. My life has changed a lot recently. My mom left to live with her sister over 12 hours away and I decided to stay with my dad here in Louisiana. I’ve been very depressed lately but the huge Spongebob community has been helping a lot! You might be wondering why I’m telling you all these personal things. It’s because this show has gotten me through it all. I didn’t have friends growing up so I had Spongebob and friends. I always looked forward to getting home and watching the show. I’ve been wanting to write to the crew for YEARS but now that a lot of you are active on social media, I’m taking this chance to say thank you. This show is the reason I could calm down from panic attacks and crying. This show is the reason I started drawing and creating art. I am so thankful for all of you making this show happen. I do my best to show my thanks by keeping the fandom alive on my blog by posting spongebob memes to make people laugh. I try to buy every piece of memorabilia I can find. My collection is HUGE. I have almost every toy from fast food happy meals. I have like 10 stuffed characters, every single season on dvd, all of the video games ever made, and so much more. I’ve never been to Florida but if I ever go, you bet I will be trying to meet you all and thank you personally. I’ve always wanted to meet you guys and I hope one day I can and give you all a huge hug. I’m sorry that this is all scattered but the point is THANK YOU soooo much! This show is my life and I’m so thankful that it exists. It gets me through my hardest times, including now. I been wanting to write this for years for you guys. This letter is for everyone! Animators, voice actors, storyboard artists, producers, all the way down to the people who run the Spongebob blog and Facebook. You are all important and I thank you so much for working on this show and making it so great! I could write more but this letter is already long enough haha. If any of you find time to read this: thank you. Y’all deserve nothing but happiness <3 Thanks for bring there, Love, Britnee’ AKA krabby-kronicle :D

[thekriegerpost]

Opinion Series

Opinion 1:

Dear Nike Running Headquarters, 

Hello, my name is Adam Krieger. I am writing you this letter in hopes that it gets to you and that you will consider what I have to say. I have begun lately to research running and how it affects mental health. Depression is one of the most common world disorders, impacting more than 300 million people worldwide. I find this statistic to be shocking, that is just so many people with a mental health disorder. I have also found in other articles that running is extremely beneficial and helpful to people who may be suffering from depression or any other mental health disorder. At the bottom of this letter I have attached three sources that you may read over and view. What I am trying to get at here is that, as Nike Running Headquarters, you should advertise how much running can positively benefit those with a mental health disorder. I follow your Nike running page on Instagram, and you post some really great stuff, but I personally think that this could be a great campaign for you. As a runner who has suffered from depression and anxiety, I can testify that running truly has helped me and I’ve seen it help others. Running helps us stay fit in many ways, to lower blood sugar, lose some pounds, and to just feel great, but I feel as though running for better mental health is very understated. With how many people look up to Nike and follow your social media, I think you could spread this campaign and really make a difference. I know this may not be your focus, and I understand if you may not want to do this, but I feel as though this would be a good thing to consider.  I have recently found this company called Parkrun. Parkrun started in the United Kingdom and that is where they are mainly located. What they do is provide a free run at a park near you that is just a 5K. It is free to sign up and it is a great way to get started and get to know others who live nearby. I think a partnership between Nike and Parkrun would be great. It would just add to the campaign of Nike promoting the rise in mental health issues and how running can truly help. I really hope that you consider what I have written in this email and that you look over these articles. I have been a runner almost all of my life, and just these past couple months I have experienced anxiety and depression. At first I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to until my parents recommended that I start running again. It’d been a few months since I’d seriously ran and trained. I felt like I didn’t have the energy but I soon got out with some friends. I noticed that after each run my mood was generally better and as I made it consistent, it made a big difference on my mental health. I really hope you consider this. 

Thank you, 

Adam Krieger 

Opinion 2: 

Dear Anheuser-Busch:

Hello, my name is Adam Krieger and I am writing to you today to share my opinion on your company and alcohol in general. I first want to start off by saying congratulations on being the number one selling beer company. To give you some background on who I am and the purpose of me writing this letter to you, I am a runner. I have been running almost all of my life. My family has a good history with running and they are a huge reason why I love running and it is such a part of my life. Recently, I have begun to experience anxiety and depression in my life to a point that I had never before experienced. These past couple months have been extremely hard for me. I then turned back to running every day and found that it helped when I would get depressed or anxious. So I started researching running and the effect it has on your mental health. I found a strong correlation between running and how it positively benefits mental health. What I want to say is that over 300 million people worldwide suffer from depression. When most people go into depression they look towards the things that will offer them some sort of peace. Often, when people get depressed they turn to drinking to try to make their problems go away. The fact is, their problems don’t go away and they drink and drink and drink until they are even more depressed than when they started. My research is about running, but it is more about helping to inform people about what they can turn to that will truly help them instead of turing towards alcohol that will only dig the hole deeper. I hope you can see where I am coming from, but I really think that you should take into consideration some of these facts and realize that your company isn’t really a benefit to society and at times ruins many people's lives. I have personally never seen anything good come from drinking. I don’t want to come off sounding rude or mean, and I don’t think a small drink of beer is absolutely horrible, but one drink leads to another and next thing you know you can start spiraling down. The purpose of this letter is to inform Anheuser-Busch of how severe mental health issues are and how they are on the rise. I want you to be aware of these problems and how drinking is not helping mental health. I understand that you can’t just shut the company down and stop selling, but I think it would be beneficial to promote mental health and inform the population on drinking and mental health disorders and how they correlate. I think this would be a great campaign to promote. I also know that some beer companies have gotten into promoting exercise with beer. That would be a great way to introduce running into the campaign. I understand you are a huge company, but I hope you will consider what I have said. 

Thank you, 

Adam Krieger 

Opinion 3: 

Dear medical doctor at Springville, UT clinic, 

Hello, my name is Adam Krieger. I am sure to be on your records because I have attended your clinic many times, but I still would like to introduce myself and give you my background. Living in Utah, we are all surrounded by Mormons. Recently, at the beginning of summer, I left for my mission but had to return home due to anxiety. Coming home caused me to go into a deep, deep spiral of anxiety and depression. I was referred to a therapist that I saw once a week, and then I also made several appointments at your clinic to see a doctor and get screened for an anxiety disorder or depression disorder. While I was there, I was prescribed multiple medications to help my mental health. As I continued through these treatments, they all helped and were all great, but when I sat down to reflect on what has helped me the most over these past months, it was running. I would say that running truly saved me over these rough months of my life. This realization got me interested, and I started to research the correlation between running and our mental health. I soon found that there was a very positive correlation between running and the effect it has on your mental health. While you run, it releases endorphins into you and these chemicals in your body make you happy! I think that what you do is great, but I also think that it would be really cool to promote or even prescribe people to go out and run if they are dealing with mental health issues. I think that this would be a great campaign to promote around the clinic; that the best medicine is getting outside and getting some exercise. Over 300 million people worldwide have depression, and I think we as a community should do better at preventing and helping this worldwide problem. As a clinic here in Springville, you and our community should work together to break the stereotype of hushing mental health illnesses and work to bring better light and knowledge to them. Growing up, I always thought that these mental health issues were really nothing at all and that they always happened to other people. When I got slapped in the face with anxiety and depression, it hit me hard that mental health issues are real and are truly happening to people all over the world and right here in our community. I hope you can at least consider what I have said in this email. I feel as though this is a great idea and is worth taking note of. I hope you the best of days and I thank you for all that you have done for me and for our community. I have heard it is very hard to be in a profession that is constantly helping people, but I imagine it to be extremely rewarding. Thank you so much for everything you do to help others..  

Thank you, 

Adam Krieger 

Work Cited

Morris, Paul, and Helen Scott. “Not Just a Run in the Park: A Qualitative Exploration of 

Parkrun and Mental Health.” Fulton Library, United Kingdom : Taylor & Francis , Sept. 2019, 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com/eds/detail/detail?vid=5&sid=b1475d8f-0bde-47fc-9163-c878cc5bcd7

7@sessionmgr102&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=2018-40729-001&db=psyh. 

Stephenson, Sharon. “Vampire Running.” Fulton Library, Bauer Media Group, June 2017, 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uvu.edu/eds/detail/detail?vid=7&sid=bcfd0943-089b-448f-8

1f8-82e3d74f6616@sessionmgr102&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=123265249&d

b=f6h. 

Freeland, Ben. “The Healing Power of Running Very Long Distances.” Medium, Medium, 27 

June 2018,  

https://medium.com/s/story/the-healing-power-of-running-very-long-distances-3ae36e2ca

d3a. 

Suzuki, Wendy. “‘The Brain-Changing Benefits of Exercise.’” TED, 

https://www.ted.com/talks/wendy_suzuki_the_brain_changing_benefits_of_exercise/transcript. 

Oaklander, Mandy. “Running Can Help You Live Longer. And More Isn't Always Better.” 

Fulton Library, TIME Magazine , 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.uvu.edu/eds/detail/detail?vid=5&sid=8e97f0c9-ceef-459b-87

b8-c66315ce74ec@sessionmgr103&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmU=#AN=139553396&db

=asn. 

Reynolds, Gretchen. “3 Hours of Exercise a Week May Lower Your Depression Risk.” The 

New York Times, 20 Nov. 2019, 

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/11/20/well/move/3-hours-of-exercise-a-week-may-lower-your-d

epression-risk.html.  

 Baca, Jimmy Santiago. “[Today, Running along the River] by Jimmy Santiago Baca.” Poetry 

Foundation, Poetry Foundation, 

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/53240/from-winter-poems-along-the-rio-grande. 

Schnee, Alex. “Running.” Fulton Library, Utah Valley University, 2018,

 http://ezproxy.uvu.edu/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=ers&A

N=114325118&site=eds-live. 

Sabourin, BC, et al. “Running as Interoceptive Exposure for Decreasing Anxiety Sensitivity: 

Replication and Extension.” Fulton Library, Taylor & Francis Country of Publication: England, 

2 Mar. 2015, 

http://eds.b.ebscohost.com/eds/detail/detail?vid=9&sid=b1475d8f-0bde-47fc-9163-c878cc5bcd7