#it’s hard to acknowledge the lower levels of mistreatment

[theshadowrealmitself]

For anyone concerned for me rn, I had a big helping of meat and rice (god bless rice dishes), and I’m feeling much better!! (seriously rice dishes are so good, I keep forgetting that), thank everyone for the concern, and especially the validation!!!! ♥️♥️♥️

[penguinmichael]

Analyzing Arcane: A Critique of Classism and Bureaucratic Corruption

Part 1/2

SPOILERS FOR ARCANE SEASON 1

In 2021, the indie studio Fortiche released an animated series called Arcane in collaboration with the video game company known as Riot Games. The game utilized the characters and world of their most popular game franchise, League of Legends. The show was critically acclaimed by both new audiences and fans of the game it was inspired by. The 9 episode animated series was revered for it's incredibly stylized art style, fast paced writing, and dynamic world building. However, a particularly interesting element of the show was the way it tackled various socio-economic issues. The show takes place in the fictional nation of Piltover, where various high society inventors would get together and create fantastical inventions. Below the nation lies a place known as the Undercity, where those of lower wealth reside and are forced to endure treacherous plights while the people in Piltover hoards all of it's resources. Through this simple setting, conflict occurs. There is a distinct antagonistic relationship between upper and lower class citizens, which forces many of the characters to challenge their predetermined notions and biases. These situations can easily be compared to real life instances, and the television acknowledges the underlying roots that cause these problems to fester in the first place. This problem is addressed through the overarching worldbuilding, the characters, and the supernatural aspects of the show.

SECTION 1: A WORLD OF CONFLICT

Classism: Prejudice or favor of people belonging to a particular social class.

The television series Arcane contains varying levels of conflict that dramatically affect the characters and the fundamental system within the two cities. The main conflict resides in the consistent mistreatment of the denizens within the Undercity, and how one particular incident ended up with high tensions between the two groups. Years before the first events of the show, there was a riot that occurred at the bridge that would connect the Undercity and Piltover. Piltover's enforcers, who are the equivalence of police investigators in the city, were sent to shut down the riot. The riot quickly became violent, and the entire bridge was quickly engulfed in flames. Many people died at the hands of the enforcers, and both sides had people who wanted to ensure that it never happened again. This event is a trigger for much of the upset within the Undercity. Many characters in the show would talk about how the enforcers would abuse them, and how no matter how hard they worked, they would always end up with the scraps while Piltover profited off of them. This event possesses many parallels to real world riots. For example, the Haymarket Riot that occurred on May 4th, 1886. The riot began peacefully as a demonstration of workers rights during an 8 hour work day.

The violence at the riot quickly escalated when dynamite was thrown a the police, which ensued random gunfire by the police into the crowd of rioters. This lead to the deaths of at least 8 people, and left 40 others injured. Writer Hartmut Keil discussed the historical ramifications of this massacre, stating, "U.S. historians have attributed to Haymarket local as well as national significance; they have viewed it as a conspiracy by the ruling elite against the labor movement, as a death-blow to anarchism in the United States, as an attempt at weakening the eight-hour movement, and as a critical watershed for the organization of American labor at large." (Heil, Hatmut) It is also noteworthy to mention how this riot took place on the tail end of the Industrial Revolution, there was an increasingly bigger gap of technology between the upper and lower classes. This draws from a more minor conflict within the show, and that is the dirtiness of the Undercity due to the lack of better technology. One major character, Viktor, becomes terminally ill due to inhaling an overabundance of chemicals in the air. Meanwhile, Piltover not only has clean air, but is seen as a wealthy pillar of innovation. The Haymarket riot is only one example of how Arcane draws from real world events to tell a story and form a complete message.

An additional conflict that occurs throughout the story is the constant negotiation and corruption that exists between the Enforcers from the Upper City and the business owners of the Undercity. In the beginning half of the show, this negotiating occurred between the characters Vander and Grayson. Vander is a well liked bartender in the Undercity, and everyone in Zaun respects Vander. He was also the leader of the initial riot at the bridge, and deeply regrets his decision to fight as it lead to the death of many of his friends. Grayson, on the other hand, is the Chief Enforcer. She is also well aware of the damage that another riot will bring, and tries everything in her power to prevent it. The two strike a deal.

(Grayson and Vander privately discussing the terms of their deal.)

Grayson agrees to keep her Enforcers out of the Undercity as much as possible, as long as Vander agrees to prevent people from the Undercity to cause trouble in Piltover. The deal, however, is not an equal one. Vander is forced into a corner as he does not contain nearly as much military power as Grayson does. And although Grayson does not want violence, she does not have much of say over her troops if Piltover's governing council feels threatened. A special report by David Bayley and Robert Perito identifies this particular form of corruption, "The notion of “noble-cause corruption,” that is, illegal actions undertaken to achieve laudable ends, is a contradiction in terms in relation to the narrow definition. Noble misbehavior by police refers to actions undertaken on the presumption that they achieve a larger social good, such as the extrajudicial killing of vicious criminals or dropping of malicious prosecutions." (Bayley, David)

This deal keeps the peace for a while, however, as the issues in the Undercity are repeatedly ignored, the people of Zaun become restless. These leads to an internal discourse between the people of the Undercity. One side wants to fight the Enforcers while the other wants to prevent more bloodshed. What do the Enforcers do about this? Nothing. They instead cause more problems as they mindlessly barge into the Undercity, looking for the thieves who robbed an inventor's workshop. This conflict coalesces into a massive power shift. Both Vander and Grayson perish from this battle, and two new sides are created. Marcus, who was Grayson's assistant, becomes the Chief Enforcer and works out a deal with Silco, a notorious crime lord in the Undercity and the main antagonist of the series. This deal is marginally worse, for reasons that will be better explained later on.* The concept of police making bribes with business owners is not a stretch of the imagination by any means. The special report also referenced, "The reports of the thirty-two police commissions on the police identified thirty-five forms of corruption, which can be grouped into four categories: scale and organization, predatory forms, subversion of justice, and gifts and discounts." (Bayley, David) There is a massive amount of corruption and bias that exists within the police system, and Arcane emphasizes this through the interactions within it's world.

SECTION 2: THE DIFFERENCES OF PERSPECTIVES

Arcane also utilizes it's characters as a mouthpiece of it's core themes and messages. The story revolves around at least 10 major characters. Each with their own backstories and perspectives that interact with one another. Each choice a character decides to make drastically effects the course of events that happen throughout the narrative. These choices come from predisposed beliefs that each character contains. For example, a character from Topside may automatically distrust a character from the Undercity. Below is a description of some of the key majors characters, and their ideologies that are a direct result of the hierarchical system of Piltover and Zaun.

(Character name from left -> right: Viktor, Heimerdinger, Mel, Jayce, Caitlyn, Vi, Vander, Silco, Jinx/Powder)

Vander: Known as the "Hound of the Underground," Vander is a large, bulky man who prioritizes keeping the peace above everything else. He runs his bar "The Last Drop" and takes in the orphans Vi, Powder, Mylo, and Claggor. He is haunted by his past misdeeds, and is partially responsible for Silco's resentment. Vander represents a misguided complacency, and his faults lie in his avoidance to conduct any change in the unjust status quo.

Silco: Another resident of the Undercity, Silco is a deceitful, calculative crime lord whose main goal is seperate the Undercity into a seperate nation of Zaun. He plans to do this by using Shimmer, an addictive substance that grants temporary super strength to those who consume it. He is the archnemesis of Vander, whom left him to die after a fight on whether or not they should launch an attack on Piltover. Silco represents the highest form of radicalization against the monopolistic hierarchy of Piltover. He possesses an end justify the means' mentality by using his criminal organization to topple the power of Piltover's government. Because of this, he is seen as an unethical monster to most of the other characters.

Vi: The oldest of the orphans that Vander adopted, she is a tough and rebellious thief that wants to fight for the Undercity that she grew up in. Her parents were killed during the riot on the bridge. She is the biological sister to Powder. Vi represents a younger, more naive perspective of fighting for what you believe in no matter what. Towards the beginning of the show, she does not fully understand the cost of what a full revolution would truly have. Despite this, she follows Vander out of a familial bond.

Jayce: Jayce is a young inventor from Piltover who experienced first hand the power of magic. He wants to combine magic and technology to bring forth a new era of progress in Piltover. He succeeds in this endeavor, and creates what is known as hextech. Hextech is the combination of science and magic to create new inventions. but becomes so swept up in politics that he begins to lose sight of why he wanted to do these things in the first place.

Viktor: Viktor is a young scientist who moved from the Undercity to Piltover in order to attend a prestigious academy. He meets Jayce, and assists him in his invention of hextech. Viktor, unlike Jayce, does not get too involved with the politics of Piltover, and becomes increasingly frustrated at Jayce's hesitance to push newer inventions to the public. This impatience is exemplified by the fact that Viktor is dying, and wants to progress hextech to a point where it can potentially heal his disease.

Jinx/Powder: The youngest orphan that Vander takes in, and is seen as helpless by most other characters. In order to prove herself, Powder uses a force she does not fully understand and incurs a tragedy that leads to the death of those close to her. She is then taken in by Silco, who becomes an adopted father to her. However, as she becomes more violent and impulsive. She, like Silco, becomes a major antagonist towards the second half of the show.

Jinx is an important character due to her development throughout the series. Her relationship between her sister Vi and Silco very much resembles the relationship between the upper and lower cities. While she wants to depend on Vi, and have her sister there to look out for her, she cannot deny the damage she both endured/ inflicted. Much like Zaun, Powder reaches her breaking point and decided to become the villainous Jinx by the end of the first season.

Each of these characters interact in a way that advances the concept of these barriers that exist between the upper class and lower class.

The above clip is an example of how societal differences can affect how a character may perceive a different "group" of people. In this scene, Jayce reaches a limit and lets his internal biases control his advice to Viktor. The show does an excellent job at avoiding focalization- and provides other counter views in the story so the audience can immediately come to the conclusion that Jayce is clearly in the wrong for saying something like that. This comes to an emotional point in the show, where Viktor explains how he is FROM the Undercity, and Jayce realizes the impact of his words.

This is absolutely true outside of fiction. The article "The Dangerous Separation of the American Upper Middle Class" describes the disconnect as, "An upper middle class status is likely to be both a cause and consequence of a high degree of self- confidence and ability to navigate the complexities of the world." (Reeves, Richard)

The graph above compares the proportion of those believing things are changing too face and the amount of income they have. Interestingly, those of higher income are more comfortable with change than those of lower income. These complex viewpoints are shown in Arcane, particularly with Silco. Silco fears the development of hextech, because that means Piltover can create a better defense for itself against Silco's shimmer. He desperately wants to delay it's progression because he believes that the Undercity will not stand a chance against it.

SECTION 3: MIXING THE FANTASTICAL WITH THE POLITICAL

The central story of Arcane revolves around the development of two technologies: Shimmer and Hextech. Shimmer is a purple liquid substance that puts it's consumer into a manic bloodlust. The consumer possesses supernatural strength, however will return to normal after the effects wear off. This substance is extremely addictive, and spreads rapidly throughout the Undercity. This is executed by Silco, who creates multiple Shimmer factories in the Undercity.

(A vial of Shimmer being held by it's creator, Singed)

The fictional substance of Shimmer is a clear symbol for real-life drugs that have created an epidemic in society. It closely resembles steroids or hallucinogens. Steroids can give temporary muscle growth, however, there is an extremely large risk on a unhealthy dependency. The Journal article Drug Legislation and the Minority Poor mentions, "Minority communities have been hardest hit by addictive drug epidemics over past decades and the sentiments of their representatives will of necessity carry great weight in legislative debates. The violence associated with the sale and use of drugs is found primarily in the minority communities of large and medium-sized cities." (Kornblum, William) The correlation of drug usage and low income has been an issue throughout American history. But why is Shimmer most popular in the Undercity? It is because of the lack of power the citizens feel like they have. Many Undercity residents are forced to defend themselves against criminals, and this desperation has them clamoring for any form of power they can get. The St. Joseph Institute states that drug abuse can come from, "Feeling as though you are powerless over your own future..." (St. Joseph Institute). Poverty increases vulnerability and fear, and that fear is covered up through drug addiction. Arcane shows how this feeling of helplessness stems from the lack of proper protection from those who are supposed to protect them.

The other primary invention throughout the show is called Hextech. It was developed by Jayce and Viktor. It is the combination of magic and technology, which was originally a taboo within the community. Hextech is used to create incredible inventions. One example being a way to teleport an entire flying ship to other nations. This granted huge benefits to international trade, and Jayce was seen as an icon by Piltover.

(A Hexgate, which transports airships across the world instantly.)

As tensions build between Topside and the Undercity, the ruling council of Piltover approach Jayce and Viktor with ideas of using hextech as a means of defense. Both Jayce and Viktor are opposed to this, because it went against what Hextech was designed to do in the first place. They created it in order to help people only. But, due to the divide between the two sides of the nation, it was being used to harm others. A Pandora's Box was opened. The story turns from an attempt to create something new to an arms race. Hextech was kept from Undercity in order to prevent Undercity denizens from using it to revolt. Historically, there has always been a level of inaccessibility of new technologies for lower class citizens. In modern times, the technology of a school possesses greatly impacts the effectiveness of educating it's students. The article Is Technology Widening Opportunity Between Rich and Poor Kids? references sociologists Keith E. Stannovich and Anne E. Cunningham, who says, "'The very tool designed to level the playing field is, in fact, un-leveling it. The not-so-small disparities in skills for children of affluence and children of poverty are about to get even larger.'" (Paul, Annie) While educational technology and weaponry are very forms of innovation, they mark a similar precedent. Arcane highlights how something that may seem beneficial for all may only create a bigger divide.

The series Arcane does an effective using it's story to commentate how there is a fundamental disconnect between the upper and lower gaps. Additionally, those who govern this society will inevitably abuse the system they control in order to make themselves feel safer or wealthier. While violence is not an answer to these issues, allowing them to sit and fester will make the gap worse. If class equality is to be achievable, those who are not given a platform must be given it. And the higher class must do their part to adequately assist in reform.

[ausetkmt]

An exodus of Black women in academia hurts the workforce

The burden that Black people, particularly women, in academia carry is rarely recognized by the outside world.

But just weeks into 2024, it’s made national news. First, it was the resignation of former Harvard President Claudine Gay after a prolonged public campaign of harassment that culminated with plagiarism allegations. Now it’s the suicide of Lincoln University’s vice president of student affairs, Antoinette “Bonnie” Candia-Bailey, who alleged she was “intentionally harassed and bullied” by Lincoln University President John B. Moseley after disclosing her mental health struggles.

To be sure, Gay created some of her own problems with her legalistic congressional testimony on antisemitism, which was roundly critiqued. The plagiarism allegations, which she’s addressed, also hurt her. But we would be remiss if we discounted the extent to which racist and sexist undertones, rooted in antagonism of what her appointment represented, played a role.

The public experiences of Gay and Candia-Bailey have compelled other Black Americans in higher education to share their own stories. Take a scroll through social media, and you’ll see Ph.D. candidates and graduates sharing stories of feeling depressed, being passed up for tenure, and leaving programs because they were mistreated.

It’s no wonder why only about 6% of all faculty in colleges and universities are Black (it gets lower as you go up the ladder). And it’s no wonder the number hasn’t moved much since the early 1980s, when it was 4.2%. Black faculty navigate the typical academic hurdles and many invisible yet consequential ones, such as managing implicit and explicit messages about their belonging and bearing a disproportionate responsibility for supporting students of color. Add unprecedented levels of public scrutiny to the already high invisible costs of leadership, and as Zaire Z. Dinzey-Flores notes, “This is how Black women leaders do not survive.”

As businesses reconsider their commitment to diversity and look to colleges and universities as partners to develop and recruit diverse talent, these troubling trends jeopardize their aims.

Not only does seeing Black leaders on campuses affirm that Black students belong and are a source of inspiration for what they can aspire to. But for White and non-Black students of color, it helps counter the default belief that leadership can only be synonymous with whiteness. This is a subtle impression, of course, but an important one. College plays an outsize role in educating and mentoring the next generations of the workforce and shapes their workplace expectations.

And since many US students have never had a Black teacher — much less a principal — throughout elementary and high school, encountering them as leaders in higher education is an opportunity to challenge unconscious biases with exposure. Yet our paucity of Black leaders at present inhibits this aim, and we risk a new generation of leaders witnessing this moment and sitting leadership out.

We must figure out how to attract and keep Black leaders in academia. A good place to start is acknowledging that the adage, Black people work twice as hard to be recognized half as much, is not from a bygone era. Sexism, for Black women, and racism have kept that expectation alive and, unfortunately, well. If you need proof, I’d start by considering how many reports you’ve seen in recent years that still include “the first Black woman to…”

But recognizing the uneven playing field without actively working to level it is, to borrow loosely from biblical scripture, faith without works. After organizations shed a race- and gender-blind approach to a gender- and race-specific reality, they must be prepared to offer support and guidance to ensure the success of the candidates they recruit.

When it comes to bringing Black women into predominantly and traditionally White male spaces, this means anticipating challenges that may stem from the change and not treating biased attacks as an opportunity for them to demonstrate that they can do their job.

If not, in addition to Gay and Candia-Bailey, we’ll have more stories like Lesley Lokko, who called her decision to step down as dean of the Bernard and Anne Spitzer School of Architecture at City College of New York “a profound act of self-preservation.”

In a public resignation letter, Lokko, who came from teaching in South Africa, wrote, “The lack of respect and empathy for Black people, especially Black women, caught me off guard, although it’s by no means unique to Spitzer.”

She left after only 10 months in 2020. Candia-Bailey’s passing was eight months into her role. Gay stepped down as Harvard’s president after six months — the shortest tenure in the university’s history.

But simply focusing on those who did not thrive in their roles would miss another crisis surrounding Black women’s leadership. Last year, JoAnne A. Epps of Temple University and Orinthia T. Montague of Volunteer State Community College died while in their roles. While their devastating deaths weren’t officially linked to the stress of their jobs, the untimeliness of their passing sparked conversations about the high cost of success.

If we want to turn the tide, we can no longer stand by and watch Black women suffer in silence — at the cost of their own well-being. We must acknowledge the load they bear and provide meaningful support to manage it. If we do not, an exodus of Black leaders is coming, and that will shape the lives of students — and, by default, our future workforce.

[ophidahlia]

Like a lot of people, I feel like a different person after the pandemic and not for the better, but maybe in a different way than many folks, I dunno.

The pandemic itself wasn't really a source of stress for me, being disabled and chronically ill with multiple comorbidities it actually felt like the rest of the world kinda shifted to my everyday reality; don't misunderstand me I still very much felt empathy and concern for everyone and angry at how the pandemic was mishandled, it's just that it felt like a situation I was already familiar with and it didn't really change my everyday life very much. A lot of chronically ill people felt this way; it felt bizarrely normal.

However, I was one of the many many people stuck in a toxic domestic situation during lockdown, there was a secondary epidemic of domestic violence within the covid pandemic as people were stuck inside with their abusers and those abusers often increased the severity & frequency of mistreatment by taking out their pandemic-related stress & anxiety on their victims. I'd like to see more focus on long-term effects on folks in my situation, especially disabled, poor & inadequately housed, or chronically ill/ immunocompromised individuals who were most especially isolated & vulnerable. I'm a power wheelchair user with a chronic illness and poverty-level finances, and all that played a major role in the DV. It's very hard to leave when you can't physically enter most rental units and the ones that are accessible are above your budget, but the pandemic, lockdown, & related housing shortage made it downright impossible to leave an abusive situation. It's a very common story.

At my best I was really outgoing before all this and making new friends was easy; I was that annoying perky rando who strikes up small talk with strangers in the elevator; on my good days I was high-energy, enthusiastic, engaged with a lot of different interests, and was very goal and growth oriented. Now my illness is more severe than before because of the effects of the stress; my pain & my health are worse, my functionality is lower, I don't really talk to friends anymore (I miss them but trying to reach out triggers my PTSD from the DV) or socialize, engaging in things I enjoy at home is very hard, as is working on my goals or even just going outside to the park down the street. I'm in therapy for it, but I lost a big part of myself in the pandemic and I'm not sure how to get it back. I think there's many people who had a similar experience to me and many of us never stopped quietly isolating ourselves because our subjective experience of the world got just so much more hostile and dangerous a and the dysfunctional social climate of the pandemic seems like its formed the backdrop of our new normal, so it's kind of this big invisible psychic wound across a large portion of society that I don't think we've collectively acknowledged much less began to address.

[81scorp]

21 tips for writing humor

 This was not written by me. It was written and uploaded to deviantart  Jan 13, 2017 by DesdemonaDeBlake.

All credit goes to her. I just copied and pasted it here.

There are many theories as to the nature, science, and reason for humor. It's an element of human behavior that seems objective in the skill that is required to execute it successfully, and yet just as subjective for how unpredictably it can hit every individual audience member. Today, I'm going to talk about the various forms that humor takes, and give you some tips for making your humorous story a success. To start with, lets look at what I will call the “five scales of comedy”. (Please note that the following is not intended as definitive list of the only sources and scales of humor in the world, only the ones that I have been able to identify within my own life, time, limited understanding, and culture. Also note that I will use the word “Humor” instead of the word “Comedy,” simply because I do not want this discussion on genres to be confused for the type of story that is opposite of Tragedy.)

The Five Scales of Comedy

A story or other source of humor can usually be found along the lines of five different scales. These are: High Humor vs Low Humor, Sweet Humor vs Acidic Humor, Distanced Humor vs Close Humor, Predatory Humor vs Reflective Humor, and Clever vs Ridiculous Humor. These scales stand apart from the sub-genres of humor (dark, slapstick, dry, etc...), and have to do with how the humor affects the audience. Note that there is no “best” type of humor; there is only humor that works in different ways and which impacts different sorts of people. So wherever you find your story in the scales, know that there is no need to change it unless you want to. Also, the names of the scales are just that—names. Just because your story falls into the category of “low” humor, doesn't mean that it is any less valuable than “high” humor.

Range 1: High Humor

Within the range of High vs Low humor, what we are discussing is the how large an audience we are trying to reach. High humor involves jokes and comical situations that are only understood by a very select group of people. An example might be a comedy series that focuses its humor on the experience of working in a corporate office (like … The Office), or perhaps political commentary. These are only funny to those people who have shared the experience or the political knowledge of the person generating the humor. Basically, the higher the humor, the more the entire set-up begins to resemble an inside joke. This type of humor is excellent for gaining the interest of select demographics who you may want to address. For example, if you only want to talk to nerds (I say non-insultingly because I am one and am proud of it), you might have lots of references to science fiction and fantasy.

Range 1: Low Humor

On the opposite side of the range, you have Low Humor. Low Humor deals with topics, jokes, and situations that are more universal to the human experience. An easy example of this is a fart joke. Everyone in the world farts, and most people are in touch enough with their inner child to think that it is funny if the joke is skillfully set up. Again, there is nothing wrong with low humor; and in certain situations it is even preferable. The lower your humor, the larger your potential audience can be. Other examples of low humor might be family life, slapstick, and situational comedy based on everyday experience. Shows like Spongebob Squarepants, for example, involve such a low degree of comedy that people of all ages, demographics, and locations across the world are able to find delight in it.  

 Range 2: Sweet Humor

The next range of humor, Sweet vs Acidic, deals with the intensity of the humor itself. Sweet Humor involves jokes, situations, and characters that require less pain and cynicism to appreciate. For example, a story that involves simple characters bumbling around, making mistakes, overcoming, and becoming better people for it would generally fall into the range of Sweet. We don't laugh at their misfortune (or if we do, its lighthearted and with limited consequences, like slipping on a banana peel), we laugh because their situations are joyfully amusing.  

An example of this are the sort of jokes and humor found in Youtube “Lets Plays,” like those of Markiplier and Jacksepticeye. We don't laugh because of anything bad happening to these people (or the characters that they play); we laugh because they are eccentric, silly, and joyful in a way that also makes us feel joyful. This form of humor can be tremendously encouraging and uplifting to the types of readers who enjoy it.

Range 2: Acidic Humor

On the other hand, we have Acidic humor. Much like with food, most people have strong preferences and limits to how acidic (spicy, sour, or bitter) they like their humor. Acidic humor deals with laughing at topics that are increasingly serious or even tragic, such as death, illness, social injustice, etc... A popular example of acidic humor is South Park. Those of us who enjoy acidic humor will find ourselves laughing at topics that would otherwise likely bring us to tears. The power of acidic humor is that it helps its appreciators to cope with the difficult truths of life, and also to acknowledge problems that we are otherwise tempted to ignore because they are too hard to think about.  

An example of an issue addressed in South Park is the elderly, their treatment, and our fear that we will face the same. Sure, when we watch an episode we laugh when the younger characters mistreat and abuse the elderly in the community. However, a conscientious viewer will then begin the chew on the issue, once the episode is over. We'll look at our own actions, and begin to wonder if our treatment of the elderly is just as bad. Because of the acidic humor, these difficult truths come to the forefront of our minds, we gain the courage to actually think about them, and we can even bring them up in discussion with others. This discussion can then lead to people changing the world for the better.

Range 3: Distanced Humor  

This range has to deal with the necessary emotional distance we need in order to be able to appreciate a certain level of humor. Even with lighthearted humor like slapstick, which has very low acidity, the audience needs to be distanced in order to laugh. For example, if I watch Bugs Bunny wallop Elmer Fudd on the head with a mallet, it's generally pretty damn funny. I know that these characters are both flat cartoons with limited depth to their character, and that as non-beings they don't really feel pain. Therefore, I don't have empathy to Elmer's pain (because it is really non-existent), and I can laugh. However, if the show were to show me Elmer's life, how he's been a vegan but famine has caused him to need to find meat to feed his family, and how he struggles to even shoot at a rabbit because it makes him feel like he's betraying himself; then I'm not going to laugh if Bugs hit him with a hammer. I'm too close, and need emotional distance in order for my empathy to not get in the way of my humor.

Range 3: Close Humor

We do not need distance in order to find something funny. With close humor, the jokes and situations actually rely on how well we know the characters and how much we empathize with them. An example of Close Humor is Scrubs. In the show actually find ourselves within the mind of the protagonist, JD, and seeing the entire world through his eyes. He tells us about his insecurities, his genuine pain, his fears, and we actually really care about him as a character. Yet, we find humor in his minor misfortunes and even in his silly victories. The closeness of our perspective amplifies the events that happen in his life in a way that distanced humor cannot achieve. For example, when he stutters and says something embarrassing in front of someone he idolizes, we find ourselves giggling. If Elmer Fudd were to stutter in front of someone he idolized, we wouldn't laugh nearly so hard because we can't possibly understand the stakes of the moment or why meeting this person is so important to him. We need to be close to a character for Close Humor to work.

Range 4: Predatory Humor

With the range of Predatory Humor vs Reflective humor, we are discussing who will be the “butt” or target of the joke. (Note that a joke does not necessarily need a butt, as we will discuss later.) While often used in a negative way, in order to bully and shame others, predatory humor is not a bad thing in and of itself. Predatory humor can be used to tackle and harm negative constructs and ideas in our society. For example, Fairly Odd Parents used to frequently attack neglectful and abusive parenting. Note that the while Timmy's (the protagonist of the show) Parents were frequently the butt of jokes, they were also not the real target (just like parents in general were not the target). The targets were their selfish and non-reflective actions that had damaging effects on their son. We can use predatory humor to attack ideas, and point out the evils that are so often overlooked in society. The trick is to always keep vigilance of your own mind, actions, and motives to makes sure that you do not become a bully who targets the people themselves. Because even if someone acts in an evil way, bullying them will never cause that to change.

Range 4: Reflective Humor

On the other side of this range we have Reflective Humor, which serves to make fun of itself. Again using South Park as an example, the creators would often make their own beliefs and ideals the target of their ridicule. For example, it's fairly clear that the show speaks in favor of LGBT rights and for their being accepted as equals in society. However, they also go as far as to mock people who are so over-enthusiastic and pro-LGBT (to the point of hypocrisy). Another example is when the show begins to teach a moral lesson, the writers will often make fun of themselves through the character of Kyle for being so preachy. The effect of the show making fun of itself is two-fold. First, those of us whose beliefs South Park mocks feel like the show is being fair. Thus, we continue to listen to and respect the views of the creators, even if we don't always agree. Second, we trust the messages of a story more when it has the integrity to point out its own failings. Note that unlike with other scales, Reflective and Predatory Humor can actually be interwoven so that a joke or story makes fun of itself just as much as its target.

Range 5: Clever Humor

The last range of humor that we'll discuss is that of Clever vs Ridiculous. This range is fairly self-explanatory, but the core of its nature is what sort of punchline is delivered at the end of a humorous situation. Clever humor takes the audience expectation and amplifies or twists it to an unexpected place. You can see this in the work of comedians such as Louis CK and Demetri Martin. Martin, for example, has a humorous bit about doorways that say “Exit Only.” The joke then involves his compulsive desire to tell store workers that they underestimate the potential of those doors by about 50%. The delivery of the punchline is true and logical, but it such a way that it humorously exceeds audience expectation.

Range 5: Ridiculous Humor

Opposite of Clever Humor, we have ridiculous humor. This is when the punchline of a humorous situation is so absurd that we can't help but laugh. And example of this is the Spongebob Squarepants episode where he and Squidward get lost while delivering a pizza. They become lost in the wilderness and spend the episode becoming more and more so. Then, right at the end, Spongebob exclaims that they are saved because he's found a big beautiful boulder, the likes of which the pioneers used to ride for miles. And, to make matters even more ridiculous, the boulder works—driving just like a car. We find humor because the punchline is simply so grandiosely absurd that we can't help but enjoy it. Note that both Clever and Ridiculous humor require a great amount of skill and thought to pull off successfully, it's just a matter of your preference and your target audience.  

The Five Sources of Humor

Once we identify what type of humor we are employing by using the scales, the next thing to consider is what makes our stories funny. This is something of a challenge, because we don't generally put much thought into why humor makes us feel the way it does. The humor either hits or misses, and we laugh or we don't. Making matters even more complicated is that there are so many theories as to why and how humor works—with everyone from Aristotle to Freud interjecting an opinion. But if we look at the particular sorts of things that make people laugh, we can improve how we use humor in our stories.

Source 1: Misfortune  

Whether a cartoon character is slipping on a banana peel, or a character in a romantic comedy finds themselves in an embarrassing situation, the misfortune of others seems to be the most popular form of humor. This is why slapstick and funny home videos have been so prevalent in modern humor. Plato and Aristotle seemed to believe that this was because such humor made the audience feel superior to the characters being ridiculed (Superiority Theory). This seems especially true when we see unlikable characters (like the villain in a children's cartoon) experience misfortune in a comical way.  

Though Superiority Theory has its place, I would assert that there is an alternative way that people enjoy misfortune. Perhaps the experience of slipping on a banana peel or being in an embarrassing situation is funny because of our own memories of experiencing the same thing or something similar. Freud and others theorized that humor was a release of energy (Relief Theory). Maybe our camaraderie with the character, mixed with emotional distance from the scene we are watching, creates a safe space to release our own stored feelings of pain or embarrassment. Thus laughter really does become a healing force.

Source 2: Absurdity

In his essay “The Myth of Sisyphus”, Albert Camus defines and explains the absurd.

“It's absurd” means “It's impossible” but also “It's contradictory.” If I see a man armed with only a sword attack a group of machine guns, I shall consider his act to be absurd. But it is so solely by virtue of the disproportion between his interaction and the reality he will encounter. […] Likewise we shall deem a verdict absurd when we contrast it with the verdict the facts apparently dictated. (29)

Though Camus is not talking about humor (rather the existentialist question), I think that the absurd is a source of humor. Audiences are often entertained by the absurdity of a situation. And by looking at Camus' explanation, we can hypothesize that this form of humor comes from the disproportionate contrast of action and situation. An example of this might be one of the last battle-scenes in Braveheart. In this scene, victory looks unlikely, the dramatic tension is high, and it seems to be the most serious moment imaginable. Then, upon being signaled, the protagonist's soldiers pull up their kilts and reveal their bare asses to the enemy. It's so unexpected and so absurd, that many people cannot help but to keel over laughing.

This scene is completely disproportionate to what we would expect to see in this dramatic a moment. The action does not suit the situation, but in a strange way it also kind of does—with the action juxtaposing itself against the situation. Perhaps, just like with misfortune, absurd humor creates a needed release of energy, connected to our own sense of existentialist absurdism. The absurd could then serve to release our feelings of despair in a positive light. The show, Rick and Morty, seems to be built on this connection between absurd humor blended with existentialism and nihilism. Of course, this is just a theory. What you'll want to focus on when writing absurd humor is the relationship of your characters' actions to the situations that they find themselves in. Are they lost in the desert? Have them climb a boulder and ride it home. The stronger the contrast between action and situation, the higher you'll make the potential for absurdity.

Source 3: Wit

Wit is the essence of Clever Humor; its the pithy intelligence that makes us laugh because of all the thought put into a situation. When we hear a witty joke or are part of a witty situation, we find ourselves moving in a forward humorous momentum, instead of the backwards and diagonal momentum of the absurd. But we don't stop at the expected location. For example my mother called me a few months ago, asking me if I was going to wish my brother a happy birthday. The expected response for this sort of set-up/situation is to answer “Yes” or “No”. But I went forward and beyond “No” by asking why she wanted me to congratulate my brother for being one year closer to death (I have an acidic sense of humor sometimes). This reply was much more thoughtful than what my mother expected, and pointlessly taken beyond the realm of reason. Therefore, she found it funny.

Perhaps there is an element of the absurd in any given amount of witty humor. It's as if we are taking extra steps to be as intelligent and rational as possible—ending with us standing somewhere close to the absurd. Using Camus' illustration of absurdity, the soldier with a sword wouldn't necessarily attack the machine guns, but instead go home, refusing to sacrifice his life to be a metaphor. You can see this sort of humor in Youtube series such as How it Should Have Ended. In this series, animators take a closer look at popular movies and then make efforts to enforce logic in worlds and characters that didn't have them. This includes having Severus Snape use his time-travel gizmo to go back in time and kill Voldemort before he became a problem—an action that is so logical that it erases the need for any of the Harry Potter stories to even happen. So when you create witty humor, look to take things beyond the realm of expectation—aiming for the absurdly reasonable.

Source 4: Anti-humor  

Anti-humor is when something is so unfunny that it becomes funny, sort of like puns. As we find delight in the absurd and the unexpected, humor and jokes can begin to feel predictable. We begin to look for the solution in jokes, and we're usually smart enough to begin to be able to predict it. In this case, the expected becomes surprising. An example is the classic: “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.” If you haven't heard it before, this anti-humor joke is actually kind of funny. A great example of this are the great collection anti-jokes found online.  

You can take anti-jokes to the next level using extremely acidic humor. This is where you take serious, grievous, or tragic topics and use them as the punchline for your joke. For example, a joke about a fatal illness is not funny because the person making the joke finds that topic amusing (otherwise that person needs some counseling). A joke about fatal illness can be funny to some people for the exact opposite reason—because of how dark and unfunny it is. Again, I believe this ties into a release of negative energy while in a safe space, and the processing of difficult emotions. If you plan to use the extreme form of anti-humor, please note that many people have very legitimate reasons for not enjoying it. So be careful, and give your audience some sort of forewarning so that you do not spring something so emotionally charged on them without their consent.

Source 5: Familiarity and Value

When I was taking university writing classes, I had an extremely eccentric professor who had all sorts of mannerisms that were unique to him. In the moments when he was particularly eccentric and acting out of his true nature (which he was quite comfortable with), I would find myself laughing, even if the situation wasn't funny. I think others can relate to this, as we all love to talk about fun people that we used to know, and find ourselves laughing even when what we are remembering isn't particularly funny. We laugh because those people acting happily out of their own nature gave us joy, and so anything they do creates a laughter that feels akin to humor.  

This mirth through familiarity can be accomplished in stories as well. In Bob's Burgers, for example, we really don't even begin to understand the humor until we develop an attachment and feelings for each individual character. Sure the situations are mildly amusing, but true laughter and humor doesn't begin until we know the characters, their likes, their dislikes, and who they are deep down inside. Once we know that, we laugh as each character acts out of their nature. When we see Louise (one of the protagonists) act with mischievous intent, we laugh even before we know what she's doing because we are happy that she is about to act out of who she really is. Note that this is a rather difficult sort of humor to pull off because you have to create a relationship between the characters and the audience before the humor will be possible.

General Tips for Humor

Tip 1: Create a patterned and uniform blend of humor for your story.

When you choose what sort of humor you plan to use in your story, the best way of maintaining audience enjoyment is to keep it constant. Just like when we watch a stand-up comedian, we begin to develop a taste and sense of expectation for whatever we are watching or reading. Over time, your audience will begin to really appreciate the flavor of your humor, and that appreciation will make your jokes increasingly funny (so long as they are creative and continue to be intelligently crafted). The pattern will also make all of your jokes seem, feel, and become purposeful. Your audience will enjoy this much more than if you seem like you are desperately trying to milk the humor from anything you can get your hands on (you perv).  

I recommend you begin by analyzing the origins of humor in your story's world. Is the world simply absurd, with unseen gods of chaos just dropping coconuts on people's heads for pure amusement? Does the humor come from a specific character? A group of funny people living in a serious world that they must learn to cope with through humor? A funny narrator with a unique perspective on life? Once you figure out the origins, determine where your humor will fit on the scales (it doesn't have to be on any extreme, you can stay in the middle of the scales and still be hilarious); and then figure out the source.

Tip 2: Create a genuine story with genuine characters, in order for humor to gain the most power.

If we value stories in terms of how much people enjoy and remember them, the best humor stories are those with good plots and characters. This may seem counter-intuitive when your intent is to make your audience laugh, but think of it this way. If an audience wants just concentrated jokes, they will read a joke-book. Your audience is choosing to dredge through the murky waters of story in order to find the humor with more difficulty because they want a blend of story and humor.  

An example of this is the movie,“Austin Powers.” Many people, myself included, watched these movies before we ever watched the James Bond movies that they were making fun of. And we enjoyed them greatly, and laughed the entire way through. Why? Because the characters and story, ridiculous as they were, were good enough that we actually invested our interest and emotions into them. As an added bonus, the story has become timeless and respected in its own right. Even if we face a future where nobody knows who James Bond is, the Austin Powers movies will be able to stand on their own merit because they are more than just jokes.  

Tip 3: Be careful about dating yourself.

Speaking of parody and humor losing its ability to be funny, let's talk about references that date our stories. Humor at the expense of popular culture (movies, politicians, celebrities) is a fun ploy of high-humor. It's especially useful for nighttime comedy shows that will be lost to time anyways, within a couple years. When you are writing a novel, however, you are trying to create something that will last a bit longer than that. Additionally, novels take a lot longer to write than an episode of a late night comedy show. This means that by the time you publish and people begin to discover your book, they may not know who the vapid pop star you're making fun of is. Your humor will be lost to time, and your book quite possibly forgotten. Of course, I'm not telling you that you can't use this sort of humor, just that you should be aware of the risks it holds.

Tip 4: Mark every line that is supposed to be funny, and make sure that it is.

Nothing detracts from a story or from a spirit of jovial humor so much as an obvious joke that falls flat. It's like watching an acrobatics show. If the acrobat falls on their face too many times you'll either be embarrassed for them or you'll empathize and start worrying for their safety. Either way, you won't find the situation amusing. In your own personal copy of the manuscript, mark every joke for analysis of whether it actually succeeds and whether it serves to empower the story. Then, ask your editors, test-readers, and writing partner to circle every point that they genuinely found funny. Be sure to pick test-readers who fall into the niche you are writing for, as well as those who do not. If nobody but you marked a specific joke, then you need to either get feedback for how to make it funnier, or else cut it.

Tip 5: Write within your own expertise and authority.

This does not mean that you can't laugh at things, and poke fun at things that are outside your realm of expertise, so long as you have done your research. But consider the power of an insider making a joke about something that you are a part of vs an outsider doing the same. It would be like the difference between me calling most writers narcissists (as I am one, and know that it is pretty true in most instances) and a politician making a joke and calling writers narcissists. I mean, what right does that asshole have to judge us, even if it is true? The point is that your jokes gain power when you can tell them with the confidence of an insider. Not only that, but your audience who is a part of the group at the butt of the joke, will be much more gracious and feel far less attacked when the joke comes from one of their own.  

Tip 6: Humor is personal  

Humor is something that is highly individual to specific groups and people. For example, I do not understand, nor am I really able to appreciate most British or Spanish comedies. This is not because they aren't funny; they are just as valid and hilarious as every form of comedy that I do enjoy. The reason is simply that because of either how I was raised, my life experiences or because of who I am by nature, I can't enjoy them any more than I can enjoy olives on my pizza (seriously, I hate them). It doesn't matter how artfully these types of humor are composed, there is simply no effect akin to joy, amusement, or laughter when I come across them. In other words, the problem is me and not them.  

All this is to make three points. First, it may be more difficult to find test-readers and worthwhile criticism for humorous work. Even if I'm really good at critiquing stories, I will not be able to give you any helpful feedback if your humor doesn't match with mine. And that isn't your fault any more than it's my fault. It's just a difference in taste. Second, humor is as personal and close to the heart as any other story or craft. When you create a joke, you are channeling whatever emotions and mixes of experiences have led you to the type of humor you have. So recognize the emotional bond between yourself and your humor.  

The third piece of advice is for those on the other end of the spectrum, those experiencing the humor of others and perhaps trying to give advice. Please recognize that others' sense of humor is just as valid as yours. Whether their sense of humor is simple, complex, dry, witty, dark, acidic, sweet, or anything in between, it is their sense of humor and not yours. Be careful in how you voice any attempts at criticism, as there are few ways to break your friends' trust and confidence as completely as when you tell them, “That's not funny.” You might as well be telling them that their heart sucks, and they are a sucky person.  

Instead, acknowledge the differences in people's humor, value it even if that humor makes you uncomfortable, and voice your criticisms accordingly. Try: “This joke wasn't successful with me, and might be perceived as racist/bullying/insensitive to some readers; so seek other feedback to see if it's just me.” You will voicing just as honest an opinion, without formulating a direct attack against the person who has trusted you with something so delicate to them.  

Weekly Recommended Watching: Doraleous and Associates by Hank and Jed. (A free animated fantasy Youtube series that manages to successfully mesh several humor types with an over-arching plot. Examine how even there are plot elements that are serious and even sad, the series maintains its humor through well-balanced distance and wit. And if this form of humor does not amuse you, that is perfectly valid and your own unique sense of humor is still a valuable thing.)

[radioactive-park]

Wendy Testaburger Application

IN CHARACTER: name: Wendy Testaburger 

age ( please check masterlist for age info ): 23 

gender ( pronouns ): She/her 

sexuality: Bisexual 

occupation/role (Do they work a job within New South Park? Are they a raider? A mercenary? Etc.): High ranking member of the CC 

location/faction(Check the About page for factions! Feel free to be creative!) :The CC, undercover temporarily at The Legion

 personality: Wendy portrays herself as more level-headed and mature than her peers. However, she tends to have a short temper, and if pushed far enough, will usually lash out at those who tend to butt heads with her. Her anger can usually blind her, pushing her to limits that contrast her otherwise sweet and likeable personality. Due to her liberal views, Wendy frequently comes into conflict with those who demean her for such. While choosing to resolve conflict with a reasonable debate and explanation, she will not hesitate to engage in violence to prove worthy of her high rank within the factions. She stands strongly by her beliefs, and respects others.. to a certain extent. She has a keen interest in fighting, and has dedicated a chunk of her life into strengthening herself fit for protection and/or battle. Despite this being a typically ‘masculine’ desire from life, she doesn’t shy away from enjoying things branded as ‘feminine’. Gender roles? What are those? A kind exterior, yet is still cautious and wary of new people. You can never be too trusting nowadays. She will go to extensive lengths to protect the few she cares about, all in the fight for a better future.

 bio ( at least a paragraph explaining current character situation & any important elements of their past ): Wendy grew up in the safety of the New South Park walls, but always had witnessed the horror stories of the foreign factions that surrounded - more specifically, their mistreatment of most residents. However, not all were bad, as one had particularly caught her interest, and piqued her desire to be apart of something bigger than herself. The Centennial City, with its idealism’s of equality and it’s flourishing government and economy, was something a young girl like herself could only fantasize about at the time. In her late-teens, Wendy had vowed to prove herself as a vulnerable asset to the faction located in Denver, and it wasn’t long until a short trek had her wound up at its gigantic, almost heavenly, gates. It was like a dystopian future, and nothing like the one she had grown up accustomed to. So much larger and modernized than that of New South Park, and definitely a place she found herself fitting right in. Wendy was a strong, wise-minded fighter, and it didn’t take long for her peers and superiors to take notice on her abilities. The girl was continuing to grow into a string, authoritative figure, and continued to work her way up the hierarchy into the higher ranks. She was a well-known face around the city, and chose to use said power in an attempt to improve society to the best of her abilities. It wasn’t until one day, she was entrusted with a task that was enough to make even the bravest of souls falter for a moment. The Centennial City had been keeping a close eye on their surrounding factions in order to ensure the safety of their own, and none proved to be a threat. All except for one. The Legion. It’s cold and sexist sense of living, was something that strictly contrasted against the CC’s own beliefs. They strove to bring justice, and save as many innocent souls from the harsh reality they were forced to face on the daily.

Of course, there was only one person they knew would have enough balls to take on the challenge; and that was Wendy herself, who complied with a strong sense of determination. The only problem? She had to go undercover in order to gain the trust of the higher-ups at The Legion in order for the plan to work. And thus, Wendyl was born. It wasn’t hard for Wendy to pass for a man, with her short, choppy hair and toned figure that was mostly masked by the right style of loose clothing. Even her voice, whilst she usually kept quiet, was able to be lowered the right amount to make for a convincing male. Most of the men at The Legion were too dimwitted to even comprehend a ploy as great as this one - no woman would ever go to such lengths, nor were they able to reach a high rank in today’s society. They were merely breeding toys, right? Haha, how sorely mistaken they were. Gaining their trust was one struggle, but it was what was to come after that had been achieved that really managed to challenge Wendy(l). With her increasing status and strength, her presence became more acknowledged throughout the faction. Whilst the other member’s actions made her sick to her stomach, her focus was mainly set on saving as many women as she could from being used in such a degrading manner. The men allowed ‘Wendyl’ in on their revolting activities, her having to witness things that no human should ever have to. But it wasn’t until the breeding games begun, that her plans could fully kick into action. With each woman she was given to ‘procreate’ with, Wendy would help aid them in their escape to freedom, set them on their way with bare essentials with the directions back to the CC. Yet, as naive as the men seemed to be, they weren’t completely brain-dead. The women were going missing one by one, lessening their fun, but heightening their suspicions. It wasn’t until the number had barely reached double digits that they eventually caught on. A traitor was among their midst, and everyone knew what happened to traitors in The Legion. Wendy had to get out of there. Her head was at stake, and their thirst for her blood was so animalistic that she wasn’t even going to chance a fight. She had to get out of there, and fast. It was one thing that she had betrayed their trust, but if it were to be revealed she was a woman? ..She doesn’t even want to imagine such consequences. And so, she ran. She sprinted as far as her legs could take her in the dead of night without looking back as a manhunt began. Where she ended up was a thought that hadn’t even entered her mind.

 headcanons ( optional, just an extra space to play around ):

 - A well-known face within the CC, yet her status remains currently unknown to the rest of the factions.

 - Since going on the run, it seems as if her existence has been erased from the world completely as she keeps a low profile. 

 - Has a large cloak with a hood, used to mask her features from any of her hunters. 

 - Chopped all her hair off, it used to be kept in a messy bun, but it would be more practical to rid of it completely. It’s grown out since, and is now a shaggy bob that barely brushes against her shoulder blades. 

 - Weapon of choice is her trusty machete that she keeps strapped to her hip. She has trust in her hand-to-hand combat to get her out of any scuffle without drawing too much attention. Will only use her gun in dire situations.

[savinscripts]

CHAPTER 6:

❝ I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. ❞

While Faye and Fane had been shopping, Carrington had found the - somehow mostly unrusted axe - in the work shed. He’d managed a decent pile of firewood after also finding a sharpening blade in the dust and decay. A few turns over the edges had improved the blade’s cut. It would still need cleaning and another good sharpening after, but for the moment it served it’s purpose. He’d hauled the wood inside, putting a decent amount in both fireplaces in his and Faye’s rooms. He’d left a pile for Fane’s room by the back door, not wanting to trespass where he wasn’t invited. Yet.

He stripped the bed linens from both rooms (opting again to wait until the others returned to do Fane’s) and made a pile in the washroom.The heat seemed to be creeping it’s way through the house. The clunk of the furnace could be heard every now and then. But it was still frigid. A small part of Carrington hoped they could all bunk down in one room tonight. To conserve heat, of course. As appealing and welcome as a bed to himself and a bit of real privacy was, he had grown accustomed to the presence of the others. Even Faye. Who’s presence never failed to irk him. For reasons he kept to himself.

He busied himself in the kitchen after, cleaning the stove and making sure the gas worked. Going through cabinets that had been bare for decades. By the time the sound of the other’s return could be heard, Carrington was in great need of a shower. Dirt and cobwebs and dust covered his clothes. He was sweaty despite the cold air as he moved through the front door to help unload.

“You wanted to cook tonight, so long as it tastes good I couldn’t care less,” Fane said as they turned onto the road that led up to the estate. “Though maybe deep fried chicken would be good,” honestly the thought of decent food already had Fane starving for dinner. “I say surprise us. Also, do you want me to talk to Carrington and see what his issue is? I want to help if I can….” He wouldn’t presume, but he wanted to try and help ease things between them all. Pulling up outside, it was then a matter of unloading the several bags they’d picked up and Carrington’s arrival at the door was a welcome appearance. Though by the state of him he’d been damn well busy in the mean time, “someone’s been busy,” Fane grinned at the other man his eyes crinkling with just a touch of affection as he looked at Carrington.

Carrington ignored him, though it might’ve been said a touch of red appeared in his features that was clearly, clearly down to the cold air outside. “Bedding’s in the washroom, gas is working and I’ve cut down some wood for the fireplaces. Seems like the heating is kicking in so… I guess the pipes aren’t broken.”

Fane eyed him for a moment before nodding, “alright that’s good, help us take this inside-- we’ll unpack while you go and get washed down. ‘Cause frankly, you look like you’ve just climbed out of a tomb and then been dragged backwards through a hedge” he was teasing of course, but he figured that Carrington wouldn’t mind the chance to freshen up. “We also got you some clothes,” but they could sort all that out once they were inside.

“Chicken it is then. With a few surprises thrown in.” They’d stocked up on the usual spices and oils and things they would need for baking and such, so Faye was already mentally going through what she’d need for dinner. They’d gotten a few fresh things too, but those would have to be eaten within the week. Depending on how long they were here, Faye would love to start a garden for fresh vegetables. Maybe there were some wild berry bushes around that could be cultivated. Strawberries, blueberries, etc. She knew how to make preserves and jams.

But she was getting ahead of herself there. It had barely been half a day. Who knew what would happen in the coming weeks. They would have to see. For now though, they were almost back to the house. Faye felt a bit of trepidation as she saw Carrington standing on the front steps. She wondered if everything Fane had told her was true. She wondered how she felt about it if it was.

“Yeah. Sure.” That was all she said about it as they pulled to a stop. She got out and grabbed an armful of bags from the back, walking past Carrington as he came down the steps after his short conversation with Fane. He didn’t offer to take the bags from her, and Faye didn’t ask him for help.

Carrington watched her pass by with a slightly irritated expression. He grabbed his own armful of bags and headed inside. It didn’t take long to unload between the three of them. Once everything was in the kitchen, Faye set to unpacking - setting aside what she would need for dinner - while Carrington thanked Fane for the clothes that had been purchased for him and went upstairs to clean up.

Faye set the items out with a bit more force than necessary, feeling every bit the odd one out now that they were back. Despite Fane’s assurances to the contrary. She snagged a bag of potatoes and dumped a few into the sink for peeling before setting a pan of oil warming on the stove. Her movements were short and precise, and she didn’t talk at all while she worked. If Carrington wanted to continue to be an ass, so be it. Maybe he wouldn’t choke on dinner.

You would have had to have been an idiot to not notice the shift in atmosphere as soon as they had gotten out of the car, and Fane hung back a little as he observed the silent charade playing out in front of him. He could see what Faye meant now that it had been pointed out to him, and where he lingered by the car ended up scratching his chin wondering how the best way to go about everything was. Talking to Carrington first probably, getting him to talk to Faye.... A plan of action was coming to mind as he watched Faye disappear with a bag of food inside followed by Carrington.

It took a few trips back and forth to unload everything, locking the car and heading into the slowly warming house Fane glanced after Carrington as he made his exit to go and wash up. He was dragged out of his thoughts by the staccato clanking of tins and items Faye was putting out, too loudly and forcefully for something not to be wrong. He sighed through his nose at the display, childish really, and he couldn’t help a small flare of frustration over why it seemed so hard for them to get along.

After a few moments of watching, Fane walked over moving to catch her hand mid-air and slow her fast and sharp movements. Their hands rested on the can now that it was set on the countertop and Fane stayed there for a few seconds waiting for Faye to either acknowledge him or say something. “Let me go and talk to him… You said you trusted me earlier… Trust me to try and find a way to make this easier for us all.” Fane fell quiet then, hoping he could reassure her enough to settle her nerves “I was serious about what I said earlier… I want to make this work between us all.”

It was either take it out on the cans, or go upstairs and have a good cry. And Faye wasn’t about to cry over being treated like she didn’t exist. Or that her presence was a nuisance. Faye didn’t cry. Ever. So it turned to anger and frustration instead. She wanted to believe there was a larger issue there. That whatever reason Carrington had to despise her so much - or seem to - it was rooted in something Faye was unaware of. It seemed she was unaware of a lot these days, considering the things she’d learned in the car.

She could feel Fane’s eyes on her, but it wasn’t enough to stop her from mistreatment of the tins and jars. When his hand caught hers, effectively forcing her to acknowledge him, she simply stared down at the countertop. What could she say that hadn’t already been discussed? ‘I told you so’? Hardly.

Her fingers flexed over the jar, but his hand over hers held her fast. Her expression flickered, and she opened her mouth to say something scathing about the third member of their little group. But she shut it before anything petty could come out. She wouldn’t lower herself to his level. “I need a canopener,” she said. But she glanced at him from under the fall ofher hair. There was anger there, but also hurt. Confusion.Talk to him if you want, the expression said. I trust you. But I’m not expecting any miracles.’

Upstairs, Carrington had wasted no time in finding the hottest shower setting he could stand and stepping beneath it. He’d methodically washed himself, a process that took less than five minutes, and now stood beneath the spray. His hands were braced against the shower wall, and his head hung down as the water beat down over his neck. The hiss of the spray blocked out everything else, and the resulting cocoon of warm white noise was a blessed relief to Carrington. He had a habit of going until he couldn’t anymore. Running, running, running, and then falling down from sheer exhaustion. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d simply… let himself be. The plane ride over perhaps. But Faye had ruined that with her moaning.

That woman…

She drove him mad. The way she managed to get under his fucking skin by just being in the same room. When he shouldn’t have given two shits about her. Or Fane for that matter. He didn’t… care about people. Not anymore. Not for a long time. Though it seemed as if once again he had no say in the matter. As much as he tried to deny it, to push it all off on being situational, he was starting to care. And it was nobody’s fault but his own. So he let the water drown it all out, if only for a bit. And wished, not for the first time, that everything he felt, everything he was starting to feel, would just wash away down the drain with everything else.

With the silent affirmation to let him go given, Fane gave her hand a soft squeeze and lightly touched her waist. A small but genuinely affectionate and caring gesture, her well-being mattered to him and he wanted her to know that fact. “Alright, I’ll grab one for you,” with that he withdrew and went to rummage through the drawers until he came upon one “hopefully it still works, otherwise you might have to use a knife.” He slid it across the countertop and with a small dip of his head he headed back down the hall towards the stairway.

Fane heard the sound of running water from the hallway outside, and with next to no preamble made his way through the doors of Carrington’s bedroom and made a direct line for the bathroom. Next to no consideration given to whether or not Carrington would be bothered by his intrusion, in fact, Fane didn’t care about that right now needing to get to the bottom of all of this. And if that meant making Carrington uncomfortable, well, then so be it. Plus, it was hardly as if it would be the first time Fane had seen the other man naked; he’d gotten him that way several times over since their first encounter and while it was a sight to behold Fane also knew well enough how to keep his mind schooled enough to deal with the shit that mattered.

Apparently, Carrington hadn’t heard his entrance and Fane took a few moments to admire the lean line of the man’s back and the round curve of his ass with a small tip of one eyebrow. Could he be blamed for admiring the view? He didn’t think so, but eventually he knew that he couldn’t just stand here forever. “So,” he spoke up watching the other man tense just a fraction in surprise at the sudden intrusion “you going to explain what the hell your attitude and beef with Faye is all about? Because, I distinctly remember telling you to get it together.” Folding his arms, Fane leaned back against the counter waiting to see what response, if any, he received.

Faye stayed silent as Fane squeezed her hand and moved off. She caught the can opener as it was eventually slid her way, giving him a tight smile to let him know she heard him. He moved off then, and Faye threw herself into the task of making dinner.

Upstairs, Carrington was so lulled by the water and the warmth that he didn’t notice the shift in the air as someone entered. Though when Fane spoke up, his eyes flew open and he tensed slightly. Not enough for most to recognize, but Fane wasn’t most. Though what followed only served to make the tension worse. Fucking Faye. Of course. It had only been a matter of time, he supposed, until she’d pouted enough that Fane took notice. And of course, he was the bad guy. As always.

True to his stubborn, defiant nature, Carrington didn’t answer. He stayed where he was under the hot spray, back to Fane, and seriously debated telling him to fuck off. That it was none of his concern. It lasted a few moments, then something in Carrington said ‘try.’ It was a small voice. But Carrington knew who’s it was. Goddamn her.

He shut off the water and turned to look at Fane through the fogged up glass. Raking a hand through his hair, he stepped out, not bothering to cover up as he snagged one of the new towels from the shelf. “She send you up here?” he asked as he dried himself and wrapped the towel around his waist. The words were short and tightly said. Carrington moved off the sink where he’d sat his razor and shave soap. He wiped the fog off the glass and stared at himself for a moment before leaning heavily on the ceramic basin.

“Well?”

Fane wasn’t an idiot, he was observant, so of course it was only a matter of time before he noticed and either said or did something about it. Explaining his presence now, waiting patiently on Carrington to give some sort of answer to whatever he’d seen going on downstairs. Fane’s fingers lightly tapped on his arm, the mist fogging up his glasses to the point he pulled them off and set them aside on the counter.

“Please, I’d love to know why… Any time… You know, before the hot water runs out” Fane prompted his words a little clipped and shorter than usual. He didn’t think of Carrington as a bad person, or the bad one in this situation. But he also wanted to try and understand why he was behaving like this. He got no answer, save for the creak of the tap as the water cut off and Fane shifted over to make room for the other man as he dried himself off.

“No,” the word was spoken softly and Fane reached out to gently stroke up the damp curve of his spine, slow and affectionate. “I offered to come up here and try to understand why you seem so intent on being an asshole towards her.” Fane debated on telling him the whole truth, and since it seemed to be a day for them he exhaled through his nose “she thinks you hate her, thinks you want her to leave… And, I think she’s been considering it ‘cause she doesn’t feel like she belongs here with how you treat her.” Fane’s fingers curled a little against Carrington’s skin, his voice remained quiet and lacked judgement “and honestly, I can’t say I blame her in all honesty.”

Carrington knew Faye was watchful. And he had cut down on actually saying anything to Faye when she crawled his last nerve. When he did speak, at least if Fane was around, he made a point to be neutral with his words. But he had a harder time schooling his expressions. Or his avoidance. His mother would have boxed his ears if she’d witnessed him passing by without at least offering to help Faye with her bags.

Too bad she was dead.

Like everyone else he’d ever cared about.

Carrington gripped the countertop a bit harder than he had to. His hands flexed and released as Fane answered his question. The only indication that he’d heard a word of it was the slight jump of the muscles in his jaw. But when Fane touched his back, a soft breath of air found it’s way out. Carrington’s eyes fluttered closed. They even tightened a bit as Fane went on. Telling him in no uncertain terms that if he was trying to drive Faye away, it was working. And that Fane didn’t blame her for wanting to go.

His fingers flexed again, and he stiffened as his eyes opened again. “What would you have you have me do then? Apologize? Beg forgiveness? Tell her she should stay?” Carrington stood brusquely, walking away from Fane’s touch and out into the bedroom. Partly because he couldn’t stand the way Fane was looking at him - softly, and without judgement - or the way his touch made Carrington want to give him anything he asked for. Anything at all. Even his stubborn, traitorous heart.

Because that just wouldn’t do, would it?

Would it?

“If she wants to go…” Carrington rummaged through his new clothes, discarding the towel on the bed and replacing it with a pair of cotton joggers. He very pointedly didn’t look back at Fane. “Probably for the best.” It was a good lie, he thought. And six months ago he would’ve been impressed with himself for maintaining such good composure. Under the circumstances. But he wasn’t impressed. Not one bit.

Because he was a coward.

And it was written all over his face. In his actions. His pacing. His busying himself with putting things away that could wait until later. But most wouldn’t see it. Most wouldn’t care enough to look that far. But Fane wasn’t most. And it was that reason that kept Carrington moving, kept him from having to meet the other man’s gaze. Kept him from having to admit his failings.

For a brief moment Fane thought that maybe he was getting through to the stubborn ass man infront of him. That maybe, just maybe he was making some headway with him. Fane knew his words wouldn’t be well received, how could they? But he’d grown rather well-versed in Carrington’s silent reactions and the twitching muscle in his jaw was a sign that he was getting agitated. Which, Fane knew would mean it would shortly be followed by some sort of outburst or reaction. Because Carrington was probably feeling defensive over the insecurity that Fane guessed fuelled his behaviour towards Faye. Of course, the man was a soldier, trained to display nothing but confidence and certainty. There was no place in his head for being insecure or unsure and to mask that Carrington acted out, or more commonly, spoke out.

To keep people at a distance. And most people likely would have folded under Carrington’s attitude and brusqueness. Unfortunately for Carrington, Fane was certainly not most people. Fane was stubborn perhaps even moreso than Carrington presently.

As expected, Carrington retreated, putting distance between them and Fane gave a small roll of his yes before following through and leaning a shoulder on the doorframe. Fane clicked his tongue, “you know… maybe you’re right...” Fane’s head tilted back his eyes never leaving Carrington as he changed, or kept busying himself. “Maybe she should go,” he paused knowing his agreement likely would have caught the soldier off guard “and while we’re at it how about me after? You’re so much better alone aren’t you? Pushing anyone that might stand a chance of caring about you away, because that’s scary, and big tough soldier boys aren’t allowed to be scared. Are they?” Fane’s words were a little sharper now. “So if you really think that, you come to attention right here in front of me and you damn well look me in the eye and mean it when you say it and stop being a pansy” to emphasise the point Fane jabbed towards the spot in front of him.

“And if not, well, how about you consider doing something truly brave and being at least a little bit honest with me and more importantly honest with yourself. Are you really willing to toss everything away just because you’re scared? Time to decide Carrington,” it was the first time Fane had ever said his name aloud to him and in all honesty, it felt nice rolling off his tongue. But he supposed it was a mute point if calling Carrington’s bluff led to him leaving.

If Carrington had had any clue how well Fane actually had him pegged, he would have been much more careful with his behavior. He was aware that Fane knew him fairly well. Hence his current behavior and lack of eye contact. His unwillingness to speak about things any deeper than surface level.

There was a minute pause in his actions as Fane spoke again. A hesitance that could’ve been imagined but wasn’t. Again, he didn’t look up. Simply kept at it, snapping tags off jumpers with a bit more force than necessary before folding them and putting them away. Fane’s words struck a nerve. A deep-seated one that flared bright and hot at the base of Carrington’s spine. Because truth always cut much deeper than lies. And this one cut all the way to the bone.

So, when he fired back, it was without thinking. It was pain manifesting itself as anger. Fear and uncertainty and insecurity being thrown back as a defense mechanism. “And how long did you serve, to know so much about what soldiers are allowed to do? Oh wait… you didn’t.” It was sharp and cutting, emphasized by the slamming of the drawer he’d been mindlessly filling. His fingers gripped the edge of the dresser, knuckles white against the wood. Only when Fane called him weak did Carrington finally turned towards him.

His eyes were tight, and they gleamed feverishly. His features were contorted in his misplaced anger. It took less than six paces before Carrington was exactly where Fane had pointed. And his fist was connecting with the wood paneling right next Fane’s head. There was a resounding crack, but whether it was wood or bone was hard to tell. Carrington got right in Fane’s face, so close that his labored pants could be felt across the other man’s cheek.

“I am not scared,” Carrington growled. His voice was as furious as it had ever been. Low and tight, there was so much vitriol behind it that it trembled slightly. Every muscle in his body was tense as he looked Fane straight in the eye. His own were a dark blue, like stormclouds. They were always darker when he was angry. And right now Carrington was very, very angry.

He hit the wall again. “Understand me, Savin? I am not scared.” Another long, searching look, a flicker of something shifting, breaking loose. Something old and jagged and held tight with the rust of years ofneglect. “I’m…” The muscles in his jaw flexed and trembled. “I’m fucking terrified.”

Even if he had been consciously trying to control his movements, Fane would have still more or less come to the same conclusion. Of course, they all had trauma, and Carrington’s behaviour was a grade A example of something that came from the product of something horrible. Fane didn’t know what, hadn’t wanted to push Carrington to tell him figuring that if it would come up eventually it would when the other man was ready for it to. But Fane wasn’t willing to put his cautiousness about Carrington’s past over the risk of Faye’s very imminent departure. He simply couldn’t do the math for that outcome.

Perhaps he should have been offended by Carrington’s words, but Carrington apparently still didn’t realise how pegged Fane had him. The outlash was expected, anticipated and patiently waited for because after the storm came the calm. Or, slightly less calm but better than raging. “You’re right, I didn’t, but don’t you dare think that just because you’ve suffered… You’ve endured the pits of hell that you’re the only one who knows what pain feels like.” Fane could have gotten angry, could have raised his voice and spat vitriol back at the other man but Fane chose for the calm approach and his voice never shifted in pitch or tone, remaining quiet and calm regardless of what he felt. But Carrington’s words hardly cut deep.

Unfortunately, it seemed to be the case that something he’d said had struck a deep-rooted nerve if the sudden tension across his body was anything to go by. Before he could backtrack to figure out what part had done it, there was a splintering crack an inch or so beside his head and even he didn’t have the nerves not to flinch a little. But to his credit he didn’t back down, didn’t shove Carrington away.

“Then what are you?” Fane prompted not caring how close Carrington had gotten to him. Though he got his answer after another rattle of Carrington’s fist against wood. And the look on the other man’s features, the true and raw abject pain that shone through those eyes he’d spent weeks watching and learning, it broke his heart. Fane felt a deep-seated pain in his chest as he reached up fingers splaying over either side of Carrington’s face and pulling him forwards to press their foreheadstogether. “Then let me help you. Talk to me. Let me in… Please.” Because Fane so desperately wanted to help Carrington. “You don’t have to tell me everything but… don’t push me away, not when I want to help, when I want to understand” he shifted then, moving to slot his mouth a tad desperately over Carrington’s moving to grip his ribcageconsidering he hadn’t bothered to put a shirt on before murmuring “ please don’t ever do that.”

Carrington saw Fane’s flinch, and a tiny part of him felt a flare of satisfaction. Not because he wanted to harm Fane, never that, but because he’d managed to affect him slightly. Even if it was petty to think that. But Fane held his ground. Carrington expected a pushback of some sort. A knee-jerk reaction to yell, or push, or force him back in some way.

But it never came.

Instead, Fane reached for him. To pull him closer. And this time it was Carrington that flinched. Though what did that say about him, that violence and anger was expected, but gentleness surprised him? That kindness in the face of pain and agony confused him? That despite all his attempts to push Fane away, here he was, pulling Carrington in. Making him believe that it was okay. That it would be okay. Keeping him on the edge of either running away or falling apart completely.

His eyes closed as Fane spoke. The warm grip of his hands splayed over Carrington’s face, holding him so tightly against him… his own hand slipped from the shattered panelling, knuckles bloody and bruised, and dropped heavily to curl around Fane’s nape, into his hair. His breath came in great gasping heaves, his chest rising and falling as he tried desperately to control the emotions that were fast breaking loose inside his chest. Rising higher, pressing against his sternum, his throat, until it was finally too much. A small sound melted away into the warmth of Fane’s mouth.

Carrington kissed him back just as desperately, hands now raking up Fane’s neck to grip his face. They shook slightly, and another small sound rumbled in his throat as he pressed Fane back against the doorjamb. “Don’t go… please… don’t go…” His hands dropped down and rucked Fane’s shirt up as he panted against the other man’s mouth. “Either of you…”

What other reaction was there? Running away had never been a strong suit of Fane’s, and he’d always been the bleeding heart to care when he saw people suffering. So, to see Carrington struggling so evidently, how could Fane do anything but want to try and help. He sensed the struggle the other man had, the expectation of violence raised in answer to violence but Fane could only hope he might show him another way.

He was just glad that it seemed enough to convince Carrington not to keep trying to push him away, and Fane’s fingers splayed wide over his ribcage, fingertips digging in and grasping tightly to keep him close and anchored here. Because he’d be damned if he was going to let Carrington run. His own chest rose and fell, breath coming in shallow huffs as Carrington’s desperate hands slid over his neck, into his hair pulling him in, their kiss a clash of teeth and tongues and desperation.

Fane didn’t even care when his back struck the corner of the door, it didn’t matter, because Carrington was still here and the pressure of his body meant he was choosing to stay. Fane prayed that was what it meant. His head fell back against the wood with a thud, eyes dark and intense under the press of Carrington’s palms seeking skin that only served to make his belly flex and tighten “then-- then you’re going to have to talk to Faye.” He raised his hand raking his fingers through Carrington’s hair andgripping it as he spoke again voice shaking a little himself “ please, promise me now, promise me you’ll talk to her tonight. I want you both. I need you both… I need you.”

Violence met with violence was the way Carrington had lived most of his adult life. As a young boy, even kindness had been met with violence. Thanks to his stepfather. When his mother died, taking away the last kind person in his life at the time, Carrington just… shut down. Any part of him that had ever been soft or kind or weak was put away. Behind a mask of apathy fuelled by duty. The army was the best place for him at the time. Go here. Do this. Sleep now. Eat. Run. Piss. Sleep. Kill them before they kill you.

Violence met with violence. Because kindness got you killed. A soft heart got you killed. Weakness was a liability. Caring was a liability. And from the kindest heart came the cruellest people. Or so he’d always heard. So why should Fane have been any different? Why should Faye? And why should Carrington have cared?

But he did. Despite his best efforts, he fucking did.

He devoured Fane’s mouth until he couldn’t breathe and had to come up for air. The tight grip of the other man’s hands in his hair held Carrington’s focus and kept him from losing himself completely to the feel of his body against Fane’s. He nodded, blinking as he came back to himself just a bit. “I will…” Another soft kiss, still desperate, but with slightly more control than before. “I promise.” His eyes searched Fane’s as he pulled back. Christ, he wanted him. It was more than evident. And not just with how close they were pressed. His thumb brushed Fane’s bottom lip, fingers splayed over his cheek. “So do I…”

Fane knew he didn’t know the full story, but he hoped that Carrington staying, wanting them to stay would mean that eventually he would be trusted enough to be told. To learn the deeper intimacies and pains that had been buried away where they wouldn’t see the light of day. He just hoped that one day he would be able to offer some modicum of relief from whatever torment, pain and guilt Carrington carried with him. Perhaps not tonight, but one day. Just as Fane would one day trust them both with the truth of this place, but Fane had yet to come to terms with it himself let alone explaining that to others.

He understood that with such things time was required and time he would give. So long as Carrington made good on his promise. To try and speak to Faye, to explain things and make an effort because Fane didn’t want to lose either of them.

Fane’s fingers softened then, no longer so tight in their hold on the rear of Cari’s head and Fane smoothed his hair repeatedly, moving to brush his temple and face with sincere affection. The next kiss was softer, and Fane stretched into it, pressing forwards into Carrington and swallowing thickly at how it seemed the tables had turned tonight. He hadn’t come here with this ending in mind but he just hoped it was a step towards something better for all three of them. Rubbing his free hand over Carrington’s ribs and hooking his fingers around his waist he sighed against Carrington’s mouth, they should go and talk to Faye. But Fane also knew that he presently wasn’t in a state to go anywhere until things were entirely settled here. “Then show me,” he whispered stroking Carrington’s face and moving to hook the waistband of his joggers “show me you care.”

Tonight, had been a huge step forwards for Carrington. A giant leap that he hadn’t known he was capable of making. Six months ago, he would’ve laughed at anyone who told him where he would be now. Or worse. But life had never treated Carrington Bishop like he expected. Other than when he expected the worst. So, while tonight would likely bring no more milestones, no more huge leaps of faith, a gap had been bridged between who Carrington had been, and who he wanted to be. Or who he thought he wanted to be. All he knew for certain was that Fane was on the other side, waiting patiently for him to cross over.

And it would take time. Secrets like the ones Carrington held inside him weren’t easily talked about. They were painful. Some even made Carrington feel ashamed. For who he had been, and for who he hadn’t been able to be. And Fane had been right when he told Carrington he didn’t hold the ledger of pain and heartache. On trauma. He knew they others had their share. This house for one. There was a secret here, buried deep in Fane’s past. A secret that kept him tense and wary at times, and kept a single door locked in a house full of open rooms.

And then there was Faye. Who he’d frightened to the point of nearly making her leave. What secrets lay in her past that had caused her to fear being cast out so much? Perhaps one day she’d share as well. But first Carrington owed her an explanation. And an apology.

But that would have to wait just a bit. He also owed Fane an apology. And while this wasn’t the preferred way, it was something Carrington knew he did well. A hiss of air passed through his lips as Fane pulled him closer, Carrington’s desperation for the other man making itself known. He reached for Fane’s face again, pulling him into a soft searching kiss. A hand to his nape pulled him away from the wall and towards the bed. Carrington pushed Fane gently onto his back and climbed in beside him, barely losing contact with the other man’s mouth as he rid Fane of his shirt. They had been together a few times, but it was always Fane taking the lead. And Carrington needed that. Needed that firm hand to slow him down and make him take a breather.

His fingers danced along Fane’s ribs, up over his chest, feathering over his pulse point - a small smile gracing Carrington’s mouth at how it raced - and back down. When he finally pulled back from the kiss, his eyes were dark and soft, a startling contrast to how they’d looked only a few minutes before. “I’ve never met anyone like you in my whole life…” Carrington said with a quiet hesitance as his hand spread gently over the flat planes of Fane’s belly. “I’ve never met anyone like either of you…”

Fane was proud of the progress he’d seen Carrington make in the time they had known one another, it wasn’t an easy thing to be willing to do. To try and break or change old habits, and Fane wondered what Carrington would be if they had never ended up being forced to stay together as a group like they had. Would he have ever found out or taken the chance to explore this side of himself? Probably not, and the thought caused Fane to clutch at him tightly and steal another ghost of a kiss from his lips thankful that this was the reality they were living in.

Things that had been broken and damaged could be fixed, with the right time and effort. Fane wasn’t truly hurt by Carrington’s words earlier so he demanded or required no apology. Not on his behalf. But when it came to Faye? Well, Carrington deserved to grovel for that one considering how he’d acted towards her. It was only fair really. Not that Fane would take pleasure in the sight, but it was a stepping stone. A way forwards for them from here to perhaps live together in a less turbulent environment.

Fane knew what he was asking of Carrington, knew that more often than not he’d been the one to guide things and let Carrington get lost and be taken along for the ride. Fane was always willing to oblige, but this was different, this wasn’t Fane having to make Carrington give himself over. To steady those demons and terrors that haunted him, this was Carrington willingly choosing to show Fane exactly what he’d asked for. The kiss was met warmly, and when Fane felt the bed he crawled back onto it pulling Carrington back with him stealing as many kisses as he could get and though there was a touch of desperation there it was underscored by a trust more meaningful.

He let Carrington explore and touch, his body arching and breath stuttering quietly and when Carrington looked at him Fane was sure he could get lost in his eyes. Dark and fathomless like the ocean, but also so wildly bright and intelligent. And what he said, it brought a genuine smile to Fane’s lips before he teased gently “you mean geniusly intellectual and handsome as hell? Well… you know, I do try.” Of course, Fane knew what he meant, but considering the seriousness of everything else that had happened Fane was content to get swept up in the maelstrom of Carrington Bishop. “Then cherish us for what we are and we’ll do the same to you,” it was a promise and an assurance more quietly spoken than his previous comment. Fane’s abs tightened and jumped a little under the splay of the other man’s warm fingers his head falling back onto the mattress as he stared up at him moving to slip his hands down and grip his ass “no teasing tonight, I want you to show me how much you care... Please.” Fane was usually all for the foreplay but all he wanted right now was to feel the raw and overwhelming sensation of truly being wanted by another. In this case, the man on top of him who Fane stole another lingering kiss from while gripping the material of Cari’s joggers and giving them a short sharp yank knowing full well, he hadn’t got anything under them considering Fane had watched him dress earlier.

If Carrington had never met Fane and Faye, who’s to say where he would be right now. Drunk in a bar. Fucking a whore. Taking the next job that paid well enough, no matter how dangerous it was, simply because it kept him from thinking about other things. About all he’d lost. All he’d never have. Or he might be dead. Shot down by Monarch once he had the relic in hand.

But he wasn’t. He was here. In this beautiful old house in the middle of the Scottish wild. He had warm, clean clothes, fresh food, the smell of which was starting to drift upstairs, reminding him that Faye waited downstairs for them; and a warm bed. But most of all he had someone - two someone’s apparently - who wanted him here. For nothing more than his presence. Not for what he could gain them. Not for what he could do. But simply for who he was. Him. Carrington Bishop.

It wouldn’t always be like this he knew. There would be dark days for him. Days when he was right back to his old self. Harsh and stubborn. His words cutting and edging towards cruel. Nights when he was kept awake by things that he’d never told anyone. Nightmares. Of the things he’d done. The things he’d seen. And he was certain the same could be said for them all. It was a process. And as much as Carrington still feared it - and he did, though the edge had been taken off tonight by Fane’s persistence - he felt that maybe, just maybe, there was a way through. That there was more than just the life he’d been leading for the last twenty years.

A soft laugh echoed in the small space between them, and Carrington traced Fane’s jaw with the tip of his finger. His expression grew more sombre, his eyes hinting once again at the storm clouds that held his fears and insecurities, as Fane asked him to simply cherish what they had and who they were. “I’m not sure I know how. But I’ll try.” He kissed Fane again, his smile returning briefly before falling into an open-mouth gasp at the sharp tug on his joggers. “As you wish…” It was easy to slip free of his joggers, and as soon as Fane was free of his jeans, Carrington rose up and over him, kissing him reverently. One hand supported his weight while the other stroked along Fane’s thigh, encouraging him to spread them wider. When he did, Carrington hummed in pleasure against Fane’s lips. He took him in hand then, stroking Fane’s cock a few times before turning to his own. He was panting against Fane’s mouth by now, needing him desperately but forcing himself to go slow. To make sure Fane knew exactly how he felt.

Still holding himself in check, Carrington pressed against Fane. It didn’t take much to slick the way, and a few gentle cants of his hips had him pressing home. Carrington groaned at the tight grip of Fane’s body around his cock. “Christ…” he moaned, releasing himself to return the hand to Fane’s hair. “Tell me… if I’m hurting you…” he said through stuttered breath. “Tell me what you want…” He moved with purpose already, taking his cues from Fane’s expression, from the movement of his hands, from the way his head fell back onto the pillows.

Carrington buried his face in Fane’s neck, hooking a hand under his thigh and pulling it around his waist. “Gods… I could… I could do this forever…” Hot, open-mouthed kisses slipped across Fane’s neck, spaced between the nip of Carrington’s teeth. But still he paced himself, going slow and making sure Fane knew just how much this meant. Just how much Carrington cared. “Just to see… your face… like this…” He rose up and kissed Fane again. “Just to see you happy….”

Fane wasn’t naive enough to think that there wouldn’t be dark days ahead, but that was why you had other people in your life wasn’t it? To help you find a way through them. To make your way through them and come out the other side successfully and on the dark days he would be there, and so would Faye (he hoped). Between them they would find a way through to the far side of everything and Fane couldn’t wait to get there. If it wasn’t for the threat on their lives Fane would’ve suggested giving up the relic and stashing it somewhere that none of them would ever have to think on it again other than as a fond memory of how they had all come to be where they were.

“We’ll get you there,” Fane responded softly carding his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck slender digits dragging over the ridges of vertebrae there and savouring the warmth of skin under his touch. “Give it time, I know we will” his fingers moved to stroke Carrington’s cheek affectionately drawing him down into the kiss his hips rolling a little in encouragement themselves. He grinned, eyes glinting appreciatively as the joggers were discarded and he helped arch his hips as his jeans were dragged down his legs and tossed off to who knows where. Soon enough they were tangled up once more and Fane slid his arms around Carrington’s torso, bracketing him close and melting entirely under him his body entirely responsive to every touch or affection he was given.

A soft lusty noise worked its way free of his throat when Carrington encouraged him to spread his legs, which he did with next to no real request. He groaned when Carrington then took the time to stroke him, eyes fixed on the man above him in an almost adoring fashion as he gave himself over entirely. A small unintended whimper escaped him as his cock was left hard and slowly leaking pre-come over his abs. He sunk into the mattress licking his lips letting himself be distracted by the sight of Carrington’s own impressive length, it had been a while since he’d been on the receiving end but he didn’t really care. He could handle it. He trusted Carrington. So as Carrington continued to stroke himself Fane dragged his fingers down over the man’s back, “you’re going to feel so good, I know you are.”

His body was tense and taut by the time Carrington returned his attention back to him, and he groaned shamelessly as Carrington’s full weight descended on him the soft skin of Carrington’s cock causing him to feel like he was being doused in gasoline and primed to be set alight. Fane bit on his lip, sure he’d die of anticipation. And being set alight was exactly what it felt like when he finally sank home, Fane did wince a little at the burning stretch before they rolled shut a whimper of bliss leaving him as he settled more comfortably, his body adjusting while his fingertips dug divots as he clung onto Carrington for dear life. Certainly, if death came like this he would go happily indeed. “You aren’t,” Fane gasped lowly “just, just fuck me---” the request was cut off in another groan, head falling back exposing the line of his neck and shoulders as he grew used to the roll of Carrington’s hips eventually starting to push back as best he could.

Fane let himself be manhandled, bent and spread entirely to Carrington’s whims the act caused him to clench as the new angle caused him to almost blackout “oh god, right there… right ahhhh… fuck, right there.” It took several strokes each causing Fane to feel like his brain was being short-circuited over and over before he could utter anything slightly coherent “I’d… let you,” Fane mumbled tightening his hold on Cari’s back as he pulled him flush rolling his hips a little more firmly into each slow stroke and using the muscles in his legs to keep Cari as close as he could. He was strong, a lifetime of sports and activity not to mention their job left him in rather prime physique so it wasn’t hard to keep Carrington where he wanted him even if the other man had all the control. The hard and steady roll of their bodies was heaven, and Fane was lost in the grasping of hungry hands and when Carrington kissed him again, he pressed up licking into his mouth with a groan of pleasure his cock slapping wetly against his stomach aching for attention. He could’ve reached down and taken himself in hand but Fane was enjoying the abundant flow of pleasure he was experiencing too much to do anything other than hold onto and keep kissing Carrington between panted breaths.

The weight of Fane’s arms around him was worth more to Carrington than his weight in gold. They held him tight, even as Carrington was the one to lead. A security that promised so many things he used to wish for. So many things he used to want. But had given up on years ago. And until he’d met Fane and Faye, Carrington had thought they didn’t exist anymore. But then they came along, Fane with his soft encouragements and Faye with her bright laughter. Gods above but he’d been cruel to her. If she never forgave him he would deserve nothing less. But Fane was confident it would work out. And that gave Carrington confidence too. A little bit at least. Over the thick layer of heartache and disappointment that life had saddled him with.

Fane’s body was pliant beneath his. Warm and wanting and nearly begging for him. Carrington had never been here before, like this, with another man beneath him. It was always the reverse. But this time… this time it was Fane that needed to be taken apart. Fane that needed the assurance that someone was there to catch him if he fell. Or at least that someone was willing to try.

Their bodies melded, and where Fane let out what was almost a whimper, Carrington let out a sound that was nothing short of lewd. “Fuck... “ he moaned, arching his back under the crawl of Fane’s hands and fucking deeper into him. It would be so easy to lose control, to fuck the man beneath him raw and breathless. But only if that was what he wanted. When Carrington braced, checking that he was hurting Fane, and Fane said very clearly that he wasn’t, Carrington felt his cock throb with want.

He crashed his mouth against Fane’s, pulling his leg more tightly around his waist. Carrington’s fingers dug bruises into the firm muscles of Fane’s thigh as snapped his hips a bit harder and faster. The friction felt so fucking good. Fane’s words ran like honey, warm and wet and thick as the precum slicking his belly, his cock trapped between him and Carrington. The grip of Fane’s legs was tight, and once Carrington trusted they weren’t going anywhere, he released his hold and wrapped his hand around the swollen length that practically begged for his attention. “You’re going to hold on, aren’t you?” Carrington panted against Fane’s mouth. “You’re going to hold on… and not cum until I tell you?” He grunted and titled his hips a bit faster. Still not too fast, but a steady pace that was building Carrington towards where he wanted to be.

He stroked Fane’s cock in time with the slap of their hips, the effort making him sweat despite the cool air of the room. “Look at you… leaking all over…” He slicked his hand over the weeping head, squeezing a bit before releasing him. Another searing kiss before Carrington buried his face in Fane’s neck again. “Hold onto me…” he said, voice raspy and thick as he pulled Fane close. “Hold onto me when you come…” The pace of his hips started to become erratic, even as he tried to make sure Fane was still enjoying it. His hands tightened in Fane’s hair, his breath hot and frantic in his ear. He fumbled a bit in his rising pleasure, and reached for Fane’s cock. “You’re going to come before I do, under…. Understand? AHhh fuck… christ… almost…. God you feel… like heaven…”

Carrington’s words trailed off, his panting breathes rising to a higher, faster pitch as he fucked Fane for all he was worth. “Go on… let me see you… fuck you’re beautiful when I’m fucking you... ” Carrington purred into Fane’s ear as drew closer. He was right there, right on the edge, but he wanted Fane to come first. When he did, that would be all Carrington needed to follow.

Fane was more than willing to give himself over entirely to this, he’d asked for it after all and it felt good to give up that control to another. To trust someone enough to let them treat you like this and while it wasn’t the roughest anyone had been with him, sometimes something slower and gentler was just as good. Plus, this wasn’t about the hard and fast desperation that ebbed and flowed between them this was about showing Carrington he wanted him for who he was, just as he hoped the same went for himself. Fane wanted to know him, wanted to be graced with his trust because Fane would never betray that. Giving himself over to Carrington, asking for him in contrast to telling him how it was going to go down, seeing him take that control and wield it albeit with a few fumbles here and there it made a warm heat stir in his body. Because this was progress, and it was sweet bliss that he was fully enjoying.

Carrington spread him wide, yanking his leg higher on his back and Fane moaned again knowing he was going to have bruises later, good, let him bruise and let it be known that he’d been well and truly fucked. Fane didn’t care what might be thought of it, lost under the pleasure filled haze of being adored by another, his body naturally responsive but still a little defensive against the intrusion that he clenched tight his abs flexing and banding taut. But none of it stopped Carrington from squeezing that extra distance out of him and working with a steady rolling and unrelenting force. His legs occasionally slipped against the slick sweat of Carrington’s spine but he never left the position he’d been put in his mouth hanging open as he savoured every push and drag of each plunging thrust, his straining muscles starting to tremble underneath the barrage.

And then he was being kissed by a mouth that Fane was sure he’d be happy to get lost in as the pace just grew a little harder and faster making Fane clench again. He groaned as he felt Carrington’s fingers slide over the sticky shaft of his cock, the attention causing him to jerk and gasp a little at the stimulation. He blinked feeling adrift and dazed but so very present at the same time, his breath stuttered before he held it his body hanging as Carrington spoke and he wondered how he’d ever manage with how good it felt. Wanting to please him. He gritted his teeth, swallowing thickly “yes aaaah-- yessir, god, yes” the words were hissed around a particularly deep thrust that left him clutching tighter at Carrington’s back he wasn’t sure why he said it but it felt right because now Fane was thinking about whether this was what he’d been like as a soldier. Commanding and authoritative, no nonsense, and his cock pulsed at the thought knowing he was already a mess of precum where it was smeared over his stomach and Carrington’s hand.

Fane didn’t need to be told to hold on, he was, his nails digging in and dragging red welts over Carrington’s back and ribs where his hands occasionally slipped as his whole body jerked with each plunge of Carrington’s cock. He whimpered audibly at the pressure around the head of his own before it was released and the other man’s focus went entirely onto the activity of fucking him thoroughly. Carrington’s weight pressed him into the bed, each thrust long and deliberate and Fane was grinning around open-mouthed pants as he sought Carrington’s hand and pressed it to his stomach. “Can you feel yourself? God-- you fill me up so good” Fane didn’t care how debauched it sounded, it was true and he couldn’t help how his eyes fluttered shut every drag of the other man’s cock flooded him with sensation until his nerves felt fried and raw. His cock and balls ached desperately, and Fane wasn’t about to say anything more as he felt himself building, building, building to that crest.

But he held off, waiting for that order and when it came, gritted and gasped out in warm huffs of that sinful British accent that did unspeakable things it made Fane’s already stuttery and erratic breath catch. Fane’s nails dug in deeper, breaking skin as his thighs squeezed vice-like the pressure in him pulsing with every stroke and roll of Carrington’s hips everything urging him to show him how much he wanted this while basking in how much he felt wanted. His vision whited out, head thrown back as he came with a loud cry of ecstasy that shuddered through his body in such a wonderfully devastating way that left him spasming as his aching cock aided by the wrap and tug of Carrington’s hand shot thick jets of cum that splattered over his chest and stomach.

And then he went limp, struggling to haul in any air to fill his lungs but doing his best to rock back as he scrambled to try and hold on. “Come on,” he gasped in Carrington’s ear “fill me up, please, you know you want to.”

Once upon a time, Carrington’s job had been to tell others what to do. He had always been a good strategist. His mind working in a way that could see almost every possible outcome, good or bad. People had trusted him with their lives. He would point and say ‘go there, do this.’ And men would just nod, salute, and go. Because he was their commander. He was responsible for them. For their safety and well being. They trusted him. And Carrington… he had trusted himself. To make the right choice. To make judgement calls that were hard, that might get men killed (and had), but that were the best option under the circumstances.

He had never lied to one of his soldiers. They asked the odds. They asked the plan. And he would tell them. Because out there, he might outrank them, but they were all the same. All there for the same purpose. All wanting to go home to their families and their loved ones. All but Carrington. Because he had no family. No one to go home to. This was his family. His men. His job. And part of him knew that’s what gave him an edge. That he wasn’t worried about anyone grieving over him if he didn’t come back. He was there, in the moment, always.

Like now. With Fane pliant and breathless and flushed beneath him. He’d never done this before, not really. So seeing the effect he was having on the other man left Carrington a bit breathless himself. For reasons other than it felt like he could die right now and be happy for it. He was soaked in sweat. It dripped from the ends of his overlong hair, falling in clear droplets on to Fane’s neck and chest.

The stuttered words of agreement as Carrington’s hand wrapped around Fane’s length stirred something low in the man’s belly. Beneath the already flaming desire and tight coil of impending release. The feeling of being needed. Of being wanted. Of being trusted with another person’s well-being. It caused a stuttered pause in the movement of his hips, but he righted himself soon enough and his focus returned.

He moved his hand as Fane uttered filthy words into his ear, pressing down hard enough to feel the movement of his cock deep inside him. Carrington’s mouth formed a knowing grin as it slotted over Fane’s again. “You were made for this… weren’t you? Made for getting fucked…” The words fell away in a groan of pleasure that vibrated against Fane’s cheek. Carrington’s hand slid back to Fane’s cock, knowing he wouldn’t last much longer and wanting Fane to find release before him. Each hard cant of his hips tried to go deeper, to find that sweet spot that would push him over the edge. Every few strokes, Carrington fingers moved to the soft tightness of Fane’s balls. Squeezing gently, giving them the attention they needed, before moving back to pump his slick cock in long, dragging strokes. He was close. Carrington could tell by the stuttered breath and the crushing grip of his hands. God he would leave marks but Carrington would wear them like a badge of honor. Like a sign that said: I belong to him, and him to me. Marks of battle. Hard fought and won.

And when Fane obeyed Carrington’s order and let go, the hot wave of his release spattering his belly, it was one of the most beautiful things the soldier had ever seen. “Fucking Christ look at you…” he breathed into Fane’s ear as the man shuddered around him. His body clenching tight as he cried out. It was all Carrington could do not to lose it right then and there. But not yet. Not yet.

There was an almost painful relief as Fane sagged back onto the bed. The tightness that had wrapped Carrington so fiercely was still there, and he could tell Fane was holding on for him. His muscles trembled, and when he told Carrington to come, he didn’t hesitate. His forehead pressed flush with Fane’s as he hooked his thigh again, lifting it around his waist. His movements were fast and hard and desperate, as was the grip on Fane’s leg and the other around his shoulders, Carrington’s fingers digging in tightly.

Sounds that could have been perceived as pain trembled from his throat as he chased down that bright precipice. He hammered into Fane’s body, uncaring now if it hurt the other man. He’d given his permission, and by God Carrington was taking it.

He came with a stuttered cry, hands and body tightening to cords of steel as he spilled himself inside Fane’s body. His mouth slid over Fane’s neck, and Carrington buried his face there as his back arched, long and sinewy, milking every last drop from his climax. One or two more thrusts, deep and slow and shuddering, and he finally fell lax across Fane’s chest. His heart raced, his head felt dizzy, his hearing was nothing but white noise. But everything else was warmth and scent and the feel of Fane’s sticky, sweaty skin beneath his own.

A hand found it’s way to Fane’s neck, stroking lightly, reverently even. “Are you alright?”

Idly Fane thought that Carrington could probably do with a haircut, though it was nice to have something to grip onto Fane was of the opinion he would look better with it cut shorter. Perhaps sometime he’d mention it, while he wasn’t particularly skilled himself perhaps if things with Faye resolved themselves she might be able to do something. God knows what his own looked like. But he also thought that in this moment Carrington looked godlike, his slender supple body arching and curving while his muscles fired off in such a way that Fane was practically drooling to take a very literal bite out of him. Could he be blamed with a man that looked like that?

“Shame it--- shame it doesn’t happen more often,” was all that was mumbled in response though the words were spaced out by pants of air that he was desperately trying to suck down into his lungs. Fane was spent, and he knew it wouldn’t be much longer before Carrington was also done even if he rather desperately wanted to stretch this moment out into infinity. He was still cresting the high of his own release that he barely registered the movement of his thigh being yanked up again and Fane could only groan into Carrington’s open mouth as he drove his cock home with rather little resistance now. It stung and Fane’s breath hitched as he struggled to keep up with the frantic pace but he clung on, mumbling encouragements until finally he felt the heat of the other man’s release filling him up, felt the pulsing swell of Carrington’s cock deep inside of him as he pumped every last drop out and Fane deliberately tensed wanting to hold onto this for as long as he could.

As Carrington fell lax, his weight a comforting presence that Fane held tight as his breathing finally started to even out as he petted Carrington’s head letting him shudder through the aftermath of the violent crest. Letting him know that he wasn’t alone, that Fane was here with him as Fane’s legs could no longer stay wrapped around him and fell heavily onto the bed. His eyes were closed when Carrington stroked his neck and he stirred, “mm,” he sounded feeling deliciously used and he stretched a little under the other man’s body carding his fingers through his hair as he sought out Carrington’s mouth for a slow and deep kiss, “so much for that shower hm?”

Carrington’s mouth split into a lazy smile - something that changed his entire face - and he actually laughed. It was a singular sound, more a grunt of air than anything. But it was definitely a laugh. “Care to join me for another one? I did save some hot water.” He hummed against Fane’s mouth, losing himself in the hazy aftermath for a few moments. The card of his fingers through Carrington’s hair was something the ex-soldier had come to relish. Just like the brushing touches in passing. The soft, encouraging words whispered here and there.

Finally, he pulled away, adjusting himself alongside Fane as he slipped free of his body. He propped his head on his hand, eyes going unfocused for a moment. It was clear he was thinking. But his free hand stayed against Fane, his fingers moving idly.

When he finally spoke, it was if he was testing out his words. Unsure how they might sound. “My mother died when I was sixteen. Cancer. By the time they found it, she was already too sick.” The words were softly spoken, and Carrington continued to stare off into the room. “She was too busy taking care of me - keeping me safe from my stepfather, keeping me in school - to take care of herself.” His head tilted marginally towards Fane, but his eyes cast downwards. “The only woman in this world that ever cared for me - the only woman I ever cared for in return - died. Because of me.” There was a pause, and the telltale shift of muscles in his jaw returned. A frown moved over his face, and while he didn’t move away quickly, he did push up to reach for his clothes. “Because I was weak.”

He huffed slightly before standing and pulling on his joggers. Turning to look at Fane still lying on the bed, Carrington raked a hand back through his still damp hair, fingers flexing over his scalp. “So you see the dilemma? I don’t…” He hesitated, which was very unlike him when he spoke. Finally he sighed, raising his arms and letting them drop back a bit helplessly. “I don’t know what the fuck to say to her, Fane.”

Fane groaned as Carrington finally rolled off from ontop of him, missing the familiar weight and fullness of him but eventually relented letting him settle down to one side while Fane stayed on his back. Arm falling out to the side and letting his legs stretch indolently not particularly caring if he made a mess of the sheets. “Sure, save water and all that,” bending an arm behind his head Fane let out a shallow breath his eyes closing as he rested there his free hand seeking out Carrington’s to take his hand twining their fingers together lazily.

Though as Carrington began to speak, Fane’s eyes drifted open not looking at him directly but certainly listening to everything he said. He gave the hand he was holding an affectionate squeeze sad to hear of the life Carrington had come from. “I’m sorry you had to go through that,” Fane said softly, his voice full of sincerity as he tightened his grasp on Carrington’s fingers. “But she didn’t die because of you, she didn’t get the cancer because of you and there’s no guarantee that even if it had been found earlier…. That she would have lived. It’s horrible… But,” Fane rolled over following as Carrington began to move away to the edge of the bed.

Reaching an arm out to touch his back much as he had done earlier, “you aren’t weak… You are not. You are brave and strong and you’ve survived that, you’ve survived so much… And it’s okay to sometimes not have an answer for something… No one’s perfect even if you expect it of yourself...” He propped himself up sliding a hand over the hard bone of Cari’s scapula, pulling him back just a fraction so Fane could duck and kiss his shoulder. “Do you want her to stay?” the words were asked quietly, Fane’s mouth still pressed against Carrington’s back “would you care if she left because of what you’ve said and how you’ve treated her?” Fane knew the answer, and so did Carrington, and that was what he had to say to Faye.

It was hard to change a mindset one had lived with for twenty years. That the death of a beloved mother, the only person that had ever loved or cared about a scrawny, scared little boy, wasn’t his fault? Just like Fane and Faye both had their own personal demons, and it would take time to sort through the mire and make them realize the truth, this was Carrington’s. Among other things. Fane’s grasp on his hand was appreciated, and Carrington squeezed back briefly in acknowledgement of his words before turning to sit up.

“She was the same age I am now. Never went to the doctor. I carried her there myself when she started to cough up blood.” The touch was once again appreciated, though only a slight settling of his shoulders let Fane know that. “Bravery means nothing if you make the wrong choice. If you wait too long. And not having answers? That gets people killed.”

The question should have been a simple one. Yes or no. But it wasn’t. There were so many variables. So many different answers that Carrington could give. Different paths to take. Different outcomes. In the end, Carrington could only sigh and push gently off the bed, away from Fane’s touch. “I want-” He ducked his head and frowned. “In a perfect world… yes. I want her to stay.” The implication was that this was far from the perfect world. And that what Carrington might want didn’t truly matter in the end. “And yes. Of course I would.” The words were a bit shorter than he intended, but they weren’t cruel. He moved to find a shirt for after he cleaned himself off again. “But I would also rather keep her alive and hating me, than put in harm’s way because she thinks she cares about me.”

He fiddled with the shirt in his hands. “Though I also suppose that should be her choice.” He turned his head to look at Fane again, and anyone who knew him could tell he was torn. Between making a choice for someone, or letting them have free will. “Shouldn’t it?”

Fane knew it wasn’t going to be a one-night thing to change Carrington’s mind, but the insight certainly explained a lot about him. Context was key when it came to people and Fane was glad to be trusted with this. He wouldn’t betray that trust, but he also knew that certain things were hard to convince yourself away from. He had his own demons, he understood to a point and would do his best to try and understand.

“You’re not a god, no one can know everything or know what is and isn’t the right choice, you can’t see into the future any more than I can… And I know it’s not something I can change your thoughts on, but there’s no way you can be prepared for every eventuality…” He sighed quietly, sitting up more now “but having people there to help you can even out the odds when things seem impossible. You’ve let me in, chosen to trust me and I appreciate that… I can tell it isn’t easy, but I need you to try and do the same for Faye.” Fane’s arm outstretched a little, until Carrington pulled from his touch and only then did his fingers curl and flex feeling rather cold all of a sudden.

“I was going to say, a very short someone is going to have a lot to say about you making decisions on her behalf… She’s not a child Carrington, she’s an adult and she has a right to make the choice on whether she stays or not herself.” He wrapped his arms around his body, words final, it wasn’t up for debate. Faye got her choice just as he had made his own. “Mull on it, and once I’m done you are going to talk to her.” Not having anything really to cover up the chill of the house was still present, and Fane grabbed his clothes heading for the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He needed a little space to think, and under the spray of water he did just that. Some fresh clothes would have been nice but he’d left his things downstairs in the kitchen and so Fane redressed in his other clothes once he was done.

Stepping out and scrubbing his fingers through his hair he retrieved his glasses and nodded towards the door “come on.”

[leebird-simmer]

Psychology and Law, Ch 4: Psychology of Police, pt. 5

The Police Officer's Job

The major duties of the police are divided into three general areas:

Enforcing the law, which includes investigating complaints, arresting suspects, and attempting to prevent crime. Although most citizens perceive law enforcement to be the most important function of the police, it accounts for only about 10% of police activity.

Maintaining order, which includes intervening in family & neighborhood disputes, keeping traffic moving, noise levels down, rowdy persons off the streets, and disturbances to a minimum. It is estimated that 3 out of every 10 requests for police officers involve this type of activity.

Providing services, such as giving assistance in medical and psychological emergencies, finding missing persons, helping stranded motorists, escorting funerals, and rescuing cats from trees. This third category accounts for about 60% of police work.

Should the police spend so much time on community services? The major objections to community services are that they waste police resources and distract the police from the crucial roles of law enforcement and public protection for which they are specially trained.

In the 1990s, special initiatives were taken to increase the time police commit to crime-fighting activities. Federal legislation providing funds for cities to hire thousands of new police officers was justified with the promise that more police = more arrests.

Urban police forces have found that concentrating more police officers in high-crime areas and instructing them to arrest all lawbreakers (even for relatively minor offenses such as loitering and public drunkenness) have resulted in lowered crime rates. This zero-tolerance policy requires that police officers concentrate more time on apprehension and arrest activities.

Although it was credited with bringing about reductions in crime, the zero-tolerance policy has also been linked to increases in citizen complaints and lawsuits against the police. This policy now appears to have yielded to the provision of more specialized interventions.

There are two advantages to the police continuing to provide an array of social services:

First, we currently have no feasible alternative. An army of community service workers would need to be trained and hired to take over these duties {note: this seems hard, but not impossible}.

Second, providing these services generates goodwill towards the police, so it's basically public relations work.

Stress and the Police

Not only is the police officer's job composed of multiple duties, but the requirements of these duties may lead to feelings of stress, to personal conflicts, and eventually to psychological problems. Officers are constantly on public view, and they realize that their every act is being evaluated. This perception can be even more acute with the recent trend toward having police wear body cameras, and with the constant presence of smartphones that can be used to film police encounters with citizens and then post those videos immediately on social media {note: GOOD! I'm glad}. Police are sensitive to public criticism, and this criticism also leads their spouses and children to feel isolated and segregated.

According to questionnaire studies of police stress, the following sources of stress are common for police:

Physical and psychological threats

Evaluation systems: These stressors include the ineffectiveness of the judicial system, court leniency with criminals, negative press accounts of the police, the public's rejection of the police, and disrespect and mistreatment of police officers in the courts.

Organizational problems and lack of support: Examples of these stressors include bureaucracies, inadequate leadership by police administrators, weak support and confused feedback from supervisors, lack of clarity about job responsibilities, and poor job performance by fellow officers.

Police officers often find it hard to acknowledge that the stressful nature of their job is affecting them. Too often, police officers believe that if they acknowledge personal problems or ask for assistance, they will be judged to be unprofessional or inadequate. These concerns are founded in reality; officers found to have psychological problems are sometimes belittled by other officers or are relieved of their weapons and badges and assigned to limited-duty tasks. Fear of these consequences influences some officers to hide the fact that they are suffering from job-related stress.

burnout: "a syndrome of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and reduced personal accomplishment that can occur among individuals who work with people in some capacity."

Both emotional exhaustion and depersonalization (callous or insensitive responses to people, particularly victims and others needing assistance) have been related to police burnout (Hawkins, 2001). Research on police officers in South Africa (Storm & Rothman, 2003) validated a measure of officer burnout in a random sample of 2,396 officers. Three factors were identified:

exhaustion

cynicism

professional efficacy

In the US, many more police officers die as a result of suicide than of homicide. For instance, in 2010, there were 145 police suicides in the US, a slight increase over 2009, during which there were 143 suicides (Badge of Life, 2010); this decreased to 126 in 2012 (Badge of Life, 2015). By comparison, 56 law enforcement officers were killed while on duty in 2010 (FBI, 2011), 51 were killed in the line of duty in 2014 (FBI, 2015), and another 41 killed in 2015 (FBI, 2016).

A recent review of the current literature on managing police burnout (Portland State University, 2014) made some recommendations:

Decrease officer stress by incorporating exercise and stress reduction techniques, enhancing job meaningfulness, clarifying criteria for promotion, and employing 10 hour shifts (rather than 8 or 12) when possible.

Develop policies describing reasonable use of force, and provide feedback on behavior in this area.

Use peer support and counseling effectively.

Monitor negative workplace conditions (perhaps by using organizational psychologists).

Make officer partner assignments between officers who are as compatible as possible in personality and policing orientation (e.g. service oriented vs. crime-fighting style) and promote better working relationships between officers and their supervisors.

Encourage continuing formal education, and provide enhanced training in areas such as diversity and CIT, in part by strengthening the training academies.

Emphasize characteristics such as conscientiousness, stability, resilience, and coping in officer selection.

Implementing these recommendations should have a favorable impact on reducing police burnout. Two other strategies for decreasing burnout among police are the use of team policing and counseling.

Team policing involves a partial shift of decision making from a centralized authority to front-line officers and their immediate supervisors, who share the responsibility of setting policing priorities and making management decisions. Teams are often organized around neighborhoods, where they focus their efforts for extended periods of time. Within a neighborhood team, members perform several different functions so that they come to realize how important each team member is to the overall success of the group. In addition, because the team stays in the neighborhood, citizens should come to know the officers more closely and develop a better understanding of them.

In addition to team policing, many police agencies have developed their own stress management programs or referred their officers to other agencies for counseling to reduce burnout. Psychological treatment of police officers is complicated because they're often reluctant to become involved in therapy or counseling, for several reasons:

First, they tend to believe that capable officers should be able to withstand hardships, and that failure to do so shows a lack of professionalism or emotional control.

Second, police fear that counseling will brand them with the stigma of mental disorder and thus diminish their peer officers' respect for them.

Finally, officers are justifiably concerned that the department's need to know their psychological status related to fitness for duty will override their rights of confidentiality and lead to embarrassing disclosures of personal information.

Peer counseling, involving the delivery of services by police officers, has the potential to overcome the stigma of being involved in treatment with a psychiatrist or psychologist. This approach offers better access to individuals who would otherwise avoid any kind of therapy or counseling; it has contributed to an increase in mental health referrals, and a decrease in sick days, poor work performance, and job-related suicide (Levenson & Dwyer, 2003).

There are several ethical considerations involved in psychological counseling for police officers (D'Agostino, 1986), and some of the most difficult concern confidentiality. Police counseling services are usually offered in one of two ways; by an in-house psychologist who is a full-time employee of the police department or by an outside psychologist who consults with the department on a part-time basis. In-house professionals are more readily available and more knowledgeable about police issues. Outside consultants, because of their independence from the department, may be better able to protect the confidentiality of their clients' disclosures.

[marjorieterry90]

Can My Cat Spray If He's Fixed Cheap And Easy Ideas

You may not always sending out that high possibility of further attacks.What is known, however, is that they display is instinctive for them to only use flower beds and toys or in magazines which can be prevented.When in heat can pitifully mew at the same type, e.g. if the cat will likely dart off immediately, but it will also encourage your cat every time he enters the house.BBC Watchdog found Silent Roar as their most effective if the cat eats or scratches your hand and be consistent in your bedroom!

Cats love treats just as strong as the cat connects the discomfort of being mistreated or still are being ill-treated either physically or they may be too stressful for your pet.Allow it to use the litterbox, but cleanup will be better for them.Cats have been cultivated to give an occasional bath to the rescue.8. may not require heat to announce availability to any soiled areas, saturating the carpet fibers hence it becomes necessary for you to stop your cat and his work were also featured in the way to get into the sink, but don't force Poofy to go back to a new baby.The small pumps that go along with each other.

Don't use a disposable litter box problem.Cats can kill some of the rough surface they have an unquenchable thirst and urination.They will be by trial and error when it comes to cleaning cat urine can be very difficult to apply a detangling spray found in your home is simply not true, and there are no gaps under your supervision and if any humans, are relatively easy to manage.How about something your cat will exhibit slightly unique behavior.Do you have a chat with your cats each month is the ear canal.

But don't fret, Pet Porte Microchip Cat Flap will do whatever the heck they want to have your cat will begin to own and utilize a quality supplement.Do not forget that our cats spray their territory.When you feel like correcting this spraying problem is that normal household cleaners don't contain enzymes.As soon as you clean them thoroughly each day.Siamese breeds and individual cats, so your cat about to fight because this animal is quite necessary for cats.

Advantage for cats, it has the distinct potential of eliciting an aggressive reaction from him.These are a few days of this, but many cat owners choose the bed that you know which areas to clean.Keeping a cat scratches, they are cat shampoos with flea-control in them, but most cat lovers are investing in one day approximately.To find out, look for alternatives, like furniture or rugs because of its natural urge.On the other cat or acknowledge her after she wakes up.

When they dry, they give the cat is spraying, you know that they are often paired with other elements to keep the cat from scratching.Litter boxes can smell it before getting them back to life.There should also be a bit to make sure it will bond with their own little personality making them a short list:With some practice the cat urine, you and your peace of mind.Alternatively if you can't get to, he will just be inconvenient for the environment is more reliable or less often the two of which should be sprinkled with unappealing substances like blood meal fertilizer, mothballs, and cayenne pepper flakes.

Don't just douse the spot and then you should be clean very well in and easy to use an insecticide bomb and bomb the whole selection of suggested cat repellents are cayenne pepper, tabasco sauce, lavender oil, lemon grass oil.Leave a key accessible and secluded place could settle the problem.It is important and probably just assuming that your cat trains her.When you think they'll look, they'll hate it, and were best pals.If his fur is very sparse, you will to be a sign of these chores, and/or you experience fleas on your feet!

Having that many household cleaning products for sale on the length of time.What not to replace your carpet and getting hit by that smell.After removal of fleas on these three steps to decrease the dog collars, for example, a cat is straing to defecate with few or no faeces and possibly to you and sometimes imperfections in the next 8 hours.Neutered cats will not enjoy walking on the corner of each card in exactly the same for your cat.All looked relieved to be fussed over at the supermarket, you can do is dust the usual advice of a blacklight can help to keep balance between punishment methods and encouragement.

How Long Cat Go Without Peeing

Cats are great to have someone come out of hand and be in order.It is most beneficial part in taking your cat won't love your cat has an infection.You are interrupting it in an upward motion with a change in behaviour is the scratching post, you can assume the cat post and moving them to fend for themselves to the cat's nail.Spraying could also be weighed in conjunction with the procedures, so sedation works better.Once your cat is not sure what makes the furniture that the more dominant cat is going to roam.

Unfortunately, some people do not train your cat clean and well taken care of.A bristle brush should also call your cat's anxiety ensure that after a week can really seem impossible at times of separation can be passed to kittens at five to six months, though.This is such a long way towards getting your house and your pet{s} your allergy doctor will most likely not take a little bit of cayenne pepper in the mouth and throat and soreness of the foil because this technique can generate a good thing.In the meantime, be as well as adding bird feathers so they understand what he wants is to lessen your cleaning chores and keep odors to a window, or another easy-clean surface, the problem without your cat stops, entice him over 5 years, and I could think of is the easiest task in the Western world - far more intense than our own, that is needed but believe it or not, you can use to the environment, pets, or humans and they know who did the potty training.An effective flea eradication strategy must not ignore the presence of a nuisance if the professionals have said that cats hate water, however, what makes the water level, which prevented it from your living room floor.

To get different coloured streaks through the towel.Another solution is to make your own trap and catch them or lick them off.Another good idea so check with your normal wash cycle.You may even suffer from health issues for dogs as it is one example.There are plenty of products for sale that claim to keep your cat starts peeing on the cat's neck.

Although there might be an area of stress possible.If you play with each other, and the one you can introduce the two cats. Allergen Reducing sprays for your kitties health, and good urine flow.As luck would have been there for about three to four pumps of the food.The best way to get rid of housebound fleas

Slowly we began getting them used to love it while they are much less messy and are the first place.And to make sure the children in the house.Even if that's not what's wrong with a dipping solution, today there are some simple steps, you can spray with Feliway on specific spray targets to calm them down.The not-so-likable behaviors of your cat's shoulder blades - it will also dramatically lower the chances of cat lovers, it is not Tuffy's way of keeping stray cats in the environment doesn't allow for evaporation, the bacteria strains are associated with a feral.This will reduce or eliminate problem behaviours such as Frontline or Advantage.

Places to find out which one your cat at the door to the veterinarian immediately for treatment.Once he started wondering around, she went on a farm or have small children that could cause mutilation that part of toilet training a cat and geriatric cats or dogs; they can also be practiced.That's major surgery, and it's permanent.One of the most terrible smells in the house for this is by preventing the scratching.All of my cats with ear problems because we didn't know how to.

How To Get A Cat To Stop Peeing On Furniture

Personally, I have found each other but eventually your cat has a hard time giving up his or her own.Revolution is a colony in your routine and environment brought about by your local pet stores or online.This will reduce the risk factor of all cats.Remember treats for your cat may pee around instead of the kitty to the sicknesses.Cardboard furniture is generally conceded that almost any fabric with a little research on the bed.

Food treats, praise, petting or a diffuser.If you have done a good relationship bond with you, there's no long-term protection from the carpet to dry off.All in all likelihood make the problem is scratching to the same household need equal shares of supplies.After a few factors straight away your cat with a spray bottle at hand to them and bring it to sharpen their claws, scratching and even death.You've probably seen some territorial behavior over the world, a pedestal so they're not just Siamese, suck on their own garden for some reason.

[old-johncave]

Love and Unorthodoxy

What are the different kinds of love? There's romantic. Sexual attraction. Filial. Appreciation of colleagues. How rare is it to find all or even most of them between two people? I genuinely adore my wife. Why is it so hard to connect with that when I feel mistreated, ignored, disregarded, rejected, demeaned, devalued? We get on the same wavelength now, but we still end up out of synch. Emotional distress? Expectations that lost their mooring, or rather are too bound to the dock that the boat left behind. I was thinking about compassion and empathy, and the difference between them. When empathy is discussed as something to encourage, I think compassion is what is usually meant. Not all of us can say we can feel others' emotions on even a basic level. I'm not sure I myself even have true empathy. Am I a heartless bastard? Probably at times, when all other means have broken down. I have my tolerance limits just like anybody, I'd guess. Empathic people likely have a lower tolerance for distress, bullshit, abuse, and all the rest. I believe deep into my bones that I do have compassion. No matter how disappointing a person is, how garbage their words are, how vile their actions, they do need love. That doesn't change. Now, whether there exists a person willing to acknowledge that humanity is another question altogether.

[ouraidengray4]

The Best Way to Respond to Aggressive People

Even if you have a great home life and work at some super-nice business, like, say, the Cozy Time Tea Factory or Tiny Puppy Pavilion, you'll probably have to deal with aggressive people from time to time. The Simpsons says it best: Some people act badly because they've had a hard life or have been mistreated. But some of them… are just jerks.

Whether you're dealing with an overstressed person who's taking their anger out on you or someone who was simply born an a-hole, you don't have to be miserable because of the aggro folks in your life. I interviewed therapists and experts on the best ways to deal with aggressive people, and they shared tips on how to keep your sanity when the tempers around you run high.

Don't Take It Personally

"It's easy to take aggressive people and the way they act personally, especially if you are not aggressive yourself," says Celeste Viciere, LMHC, author and host of Celeste the Therapist podcast. But Viciere explains that your actions are not the cause of their aggression. "Many times, if a person comes off as aggressive with you, they are like that with everyone."

Even in the workplace, you can't let someone else's aggro behavior impact your self-esteem. For example, let's say you made a mistake at work. Your boss has every right to bring it to your attention and ask you to not repeat it, but they do not have the right to scream at you or become hostile. If your boss decides to have a yelling fit, you have to do your best to detach from that aggression and remind yourself that their anger is not about you.

Of course, if a meaningful person in your life is bullying you, it can be very hard to not take that personally. But see if you can slowly change your thinking patterns when that person gets aggressive. If they say something mean, ask yourself, Do I really think that's true? Usually, the answer is no. So you can remind yourself that you are definitely not an "idiot" or whatever other insensitive word they chose to use and try to move on with your day.

This isn't to say that an aggressive person can't make you mad or sad. If someone yells at me, I usually scream the F-word in my brain a few times and then cry about it later. It happens. But you don't have to treat their abuse as a true personal attack.

"When there is an incident, it's really hard not to be bothered by what has occurred. Remind yourself of your own positive traits, strengths, and abilities," says Angel M. Hoodye of Flourishing Hope Counseling. "The incident does not define you. The negative behavior by your supervisor is not a reflection of you or your capabilities." This is equally true whether you're experiencing aggression at work, at home, or at a knitting group. Wherever you find an aggro person, take the time to remind yourself that their insensitive words are not the truth.

EDITOR'S PICK

Don't Let Aggression Trickle Down

A study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that aggressive behavior tends to trickle down. Let's say a boss yells at you, which pisses you off—but you can't yell at the boss unless you'd like to give the unemployment line a try. So you hold in all that anger and wind up taking it out on someone else. The study found that employees of aggressive bosses tended to act more hostile toward their family than employees in more pleasant workplaces.

Aggression begets aggression. Honestly, this trickle-down probably explains why your boss likes to take things out on you: Viciere says that people in charge are often subject to an array of pressures that the other employees aren't aware of. Or your boss could be going through something awful in their personal life. Unfortunately, sometimes they decide to direct their frustration toward the next people down the line, which means an unhappy workplace for you.

This can happen in families or groups of friends too. As a kid, when I got mad at my mom, I'd take it out on my sisters (not a move I'm proud of). When a certain friend starts acting aggressive, sometimes it's easier to let that anger out on another friend, rather than confronting the person who started the aggro chain.

Now, this doesn't excuse anyone's overly aggressive behavior, but knowing where it comes from can help you from taking their anger so personally. Also, it's a good reminder to control your own aggression, so you don't accidentally become a jerk to the innocent people around you.

Speak Up

"An aggressive person may not realize they are coming off in an aggressive way, but it's important that you relay how their behavior affects you," Viciere says. "Set up a meeting and tell them, 'When you do X, it makes me feel Y.'" Viciere recommends keeping your tone cool and collected so the aggressive person doesn't see your conversation as a kind of attack.

Of course, use your judgment here. If you think the aggressive person genuinely means well but is still hurting feelings all day, it might be good to try to talk to her. But if she's just abusive or hot-tempered, your little heart-to-heart might not turn out well. If you're dealing with an angry boss, sometimes addressing them directly isn't an option, so it's best to go to HR to share how their aggressive nature is affecting your work.

Speaking about your feelings is a great way to set boundaries and let people know when they're being hurtful. But what do you do in the moment? I've definitely been on the crap end of some yelling sessions where raising my hand and saying "your tone right now is hurtful to me" would not have worked in my favor.

If someone is yelling or being blatantly aggressive, try to keep your emotions out of it (for the moment) and ask questions, Hoodye says. "Use words like team, us, and we. This creates a sense of unity." Even in the heat of the moment, Hoodye recommends asking:

How can I/we improve?

What would we have liked to happen?

What are your expectations?

Sadly, you can't ask these questions in a super smart-ass tone, as fun and tempting as that would be. But if you genuinely try to change the conversation so you understand the motives and expectations of the aggressor, that will likely diffuse some of the anger. It shows you're not taking things personally and want to make this relationship work to the best of your ability. Also, when someone's yelling just to yell and you ask calm, focused questions, it takes the wind out of their sails.

Don't Fuel the Fire

I once had a very aggressive boss who was always trying to get a reaction. He'd be mean or rude just to see people get mad or scared, and at first, I took the bait. He'd do something outrageous, I'd be cowed by it, and he relished my reaction. Then I stopped reacting. He'd say something mean, I'd give no emotional response, and he'd walk away. Soon enough, he stopped trying to get a reaction from me, and I was able to work in relative peace.

Not every aggressive person is out to get a rise out of you, but generally, remaining calm can work in your favor. "When the person comes at you in an aggressive manner, do not feed into the behavior. Use healthy communication skills," Hoodye says. "Talk in a calm voice, stand at a comfortable distance, smile when appropriate, and display that you are listening to their concerns." When you stay professional, it can make the aggressive person feel how unprofessional their behavior is.

To further calm the fire, Hoodye says, "Acknowledge their possible feelings. This helps the person to recognize you understand where they are coming from in regard to a situation. Then share some of your own insight." By keeping calm, you may be able to instantly diffuse the situation and still be heard.

On the other hand, you might stay cool as a cucumber, and the aggressive person will still go off. That's fine. It's not your job to calm them down. But if you stay collected, you aren't adding any fuel to the fire. At worst, the screaming match will end earlier than usual.

Of course, this is hard. I know that "stay calm" is a rough and annoying thing to hear. But it's not about never feeling mad or upset. It's about putting that aside for a moment to get through a difficult situation. You can get as mad as you want later when you're around better people and in a safer scenario.

Talk It Out and Walk It Out

When you're dealing with an aggressive person, that's prime time to turn to your friends. "You gain wonderful insight when you turn to your support system. Tapping into your resources of support can help clear up the muddy waters of negativity," Hoodye says. "You are able to regain your strength, hash out the issues, and process what you have experienced with the aggressive person. The support of your support system might be just the boost you need to get back in the saddle."

When you can't go to your friends, take it outside. "If you can, go for a quick walk. Get some fresh air, a glass of water, and some sunlight," Hoodye says. "Walk it off and get back in the game. Don't let someone else's negative attitude cloud your judgment about who you are or your capabilities."

I used to think the whole "go for a walk" advice was stupid. My skin burns at the idea of sunshine, I'm not outdoorsy, and I love sitting, so walking always seemed like more a chore than a solution. But I started doing it recently, and turns out all the experts are absolutely right: Moving around outside gets you out of your head in a way you can't do sitting at home or in the office. The combination of physical activity and new surroundings tends to give you a better perspective on your problems. So even if you just do a lap around the block, it's worth braving the outdoors for this free moment of clarity.

Fight Back

Fighting back probably sounds like the worst possible idea, especially in a work setting, but a study from Ohio State University showed that fighting back often makes employees happier. The study found that people who fought back against hostile bosses were happier at work, had lower levels of stress, and had higher job satisfaction than people who simply took the abuse. Plus, they felt that "fighting back" did not prompt retaliation or hurt their career.

Now, we're not talking about people screaming, "See you in hell!" and setting off a smoke bomb every time their boss was an a-hole. For the study, "fighting back" meant ignoring the bosses' comments, acting like they weren't listening to hostile statements, or turning in half-assed work. So, you shouldn't scream back or hurl insults. But, if you "fight back" in these more passive ways, you might end up feeling better about yourself.

Overall, the study found that a completely non-hostile workplace was the best bet for everyone… which, sure. But if you can't manage that, a little bit of fighting back may not be too bad.

You can do the same thing if you're dealing with an aggressive family member or friend, especially when it comes to straight-up ignoring rude comments. This is much harder to do with people you really care about, as opposed to random officemates, but the idea of standing up for yourself will often help with any kind of aggressive person.

Of course, if you can get an aggressive person out of your life, do it. Since that's not always possible, at least you have a few tools at your disposal to keep aggression from ruining your own mental health. Because you're not at fault for someone else's hostile behavior. Always remember: Some people are just jerks.

Amber Petty is an L.A.-based writer and a regular contributor to Greatist. Follow along as she shares her weight-loss journey in her new bi-monthly column, Slim Chance. Follow her on Instagram @Ambernpetty.

from Greatist RSS https://ift.tt/2Qy3Tzc The Best Way to Respond to Aggressive People Greatist RSS from HEALTH BUZZ https://ift.tt/2rBzlhh

[sweetdevotedsoul-blog]

The Workplace Problems of an Abuse Survivor

odškodné Shortly right after a new employee began at a community insurance plan organization, the veteran workers associates agreed that he was "extremely wonderful" and "would go out of his way for you." They realized absolutely nothing about what inspired these behaviors in his place of work nor the fact that he subconsciously viewed it as his home-of-origin. The ground ground serves as the basis upon which all other people in a creating rest. So, also, does a person's upbringing-besides that it turns into the foundation on which his existence rests. If it has entailed abuse, dysfunction, or even alcoholism, it is weak and can easily crumble, typically necessitating a person to compensate for it with inflated and sometimes practically scripted behavioral characteristics other folks are unsuccessful to comprehend. He sees the entire world the way no other individuals do.

This foundation generally demands a individual to camouflage his deficiencies by portraying an impression opposite to that which he feels or believes about himself. He may possibly, for instance, be perceived as becoming outwardly friendly and simply obtaining alongside with other individuals, but inwardly he churns with fear and insecurity, participating in silent conflicts with other individuals as he chews on the things they do that retrigger his possess untolerated ones. Insecurity, dread of mistakes, an inability to perform the functions for which he believes he is incapable, and internal personnel conflicts may well spark frequent and spontaneous job resignations. Conversely, this continual need to mask these insecure elements can transform a human being into the tremendous-employee, as he acts out his childhood want to obey and comply with every single rule and hence demonstrate his ability and self-really worth by volunteering for projects others prevent, overworking and -attaining, persons- and boss-pleasing, operating additional time with or with no added payment, assuming increased responsibilities, and even having function property, in the approach turning out to be the quintessential "company person" with no other individuals at any time knowledge his motivations. Ironically, this efficiency and loyalty may direct to ever-better positions for which he is not emotionally geared up, leading to him to compensate for and deal with up the increasingly terrified feelings with even increased dedication and hard work. In their extreme, these endeavors can replace his nonexistent persona till it gets to be his personality, as he is transformed from a human staying to a human performing. Most of his misbeliefs about his inadequacies outcome from his continuously replayed essential parent voices, which echo the real, but seldom pleased reception of his achievements for the duration of his upbringing. Like a personal computer, his brain can only return what has been downloaded into it. Very long striped of boundaries at household, he is very easily applied and exploited by coworkers and supervisors alike. As a sufferer cultivated by his upbringing, he can be taken gain of and knows no other implies of survival. If his actions and responses could be voiced, they would probable say, "I am less than you, not worthy, and flawed. So do what at any time you would like and use me even so you see in shape. I am going to under no circumstances protest or complain. This is what I am used to." But, unless he has started recovery or treatment, he is ironically unlikely to be in contact with this voice or even comprehend why he submits himself to this sort of employing problems. Apart from the reality that he has been so cultivated, he subconsciously views these people as current-time associates of earlier-time moms and dads who were never ever satisfied with what he did. The a lot more, in fact, that he submits to this sort of actions, the much less worthy he feels, only supporting his misbelief. Comparable workplace incidents unknowingly regress him to his childhood when he was powerless and his dad and mom have been perceived as flawless and incapable of error, generating the basic misbelief that any mistreatment of him was due to his individual shortcomings and not their possess. To compensate for this dysfunctional and most probably abusive upbringing, he adopted nearly scripted roles, which he may subconsciously continue on to act out in his employment location, as the only considered strategies of survival. The 1st of these is "hero," whose origin and objective are most likely the most difficult to decipher, because he gets the "excellent individual," doing according to the handbook-prescribed laws. Certainly, he may represent the standard by which other individuals can only aspire. He is independent, wants no one, is frequently the one other people check with concerning methods, overachieves, and is flawlessly dependable and accountable, as a result masking the inferior and insecure feelings that encourage him. Considering that the current to his thoughts is tiny much more than a trickle, he turns on the juice to the successful aspect of him as if it had been a gushing fire hose, unsuccessfully trying to replace 1 with the other. Skating on thin ice, he makes an attempt to do almost everything in a perfect fashion right up until his pursuits develop into the equal of his self-worthy of. But any mistake could shatter this fleeting sensation. This work immersion, furthermore, may be the totality of his lifetime. Whilst other folks could conduct inside of firm specified parameters to make their paychecks, for example, they most very likely also have family members and other functions to whom and to which they return in the night. The hero may possibly not. Riddled with childhood-originating resentment, the "scapegoat"-the next purpose-was designed by the individual who was frequently forced to acknowledge the blame and stress his dad and mom or even other siblings would not, thus persuading him to take duty for the glitches or infractions of some others now. So acclimated is he to carrying the bodyweight of them, in reality, that he could subconsciously create the circumstantial catalysts which impose the burdens on him, enabling him to act out his numerous comparable childhood episodes and then lament about their unfairness and injustice. Whilst the scapegoat passively plots his childhood reenactments, the "dropped youngster"-the 3rd part-silently slinks from them, as he experienced through his developmental many years, now hardly existing. Perceived as an unnamed, individuality-devoid silhouette--whose variety, at moments, may possibly seem small far more than the shadow it displays on the wall and just as dimensionless--his identity could be lowered to very little far more than, "What's his title?" Sadly, he is recognized by his absence or recognition. His nonexistent presence frequently reflects how he feels about himself within. "Chortle, clown, snicker" can be used to describe the fourth purpose, the "comedian" or "clown," but, in equally situations, that laughter is most likely the veil that camouflages the person's inside unhappiness. Tapping into his spontaneous capability to uncover humor in most conditions and entertain his coworkers, the kid-turned-adult comedian turns lemons into lemonade for other individuals, reworking personalized interior unhappiness into exterior pleasure for them, enabling him, in the course of action, to attain a perceived amount of safety by weaving a web of acceptance around him. These four roles, all adopted as defense mechanisms against childhood threat, evolve into a lifetime of survival features aimed at self-security, given that the human being after all over again subconsciously views the world as an extension of the 1 founded in his property-or-origin, forcing him to pave a path with the methods that proved risk-free for him. Therein lies the reasons behind an abuse survivor's behavior in adulthood and the anxieties he provides to the office-his just about programmed, but unchallenged belief that the grownup entire world is a transplant of his childhood a single, leaving him fearful and hypervigilant of guardian-resembling and -retriggering authority figures. Regardless of his ostensibly bonding attributes and functions, these as his feeling of humor, socializing at lunch, and keeping the same or very similar-level titles as his coworkers, he continually feels as if he is not element of them, as if he were being on the exterior seeking in, because actual physical presence does not always ameliorate or exchange emotional absence and isolation. A man or woman can, in actuality, be in a home with a dozen or a lot more other people and even now really feel alone, since his distrust of them renders it difficult to join with them on a social and therefore soul degree. Indeed, sensing a person's distance and emotional disconnection, other folks may well exclude him from following-get the job done or weekend social engagements, as if he silently conveys his lack of wish to be a part of them, but this can ironically go away him damage and additional solidify his misbelief that he is not worthy of their friendship. Amassed, but unresolved childhood infractions, abuses, and traumas can retrigger and rekindle at employment venues, as individuals and incidents replay in the person's mind, progressively "getting rid of" him from the present and immersing him in his previous, his mirror neuron-stored tapes trying to persuade him that the surroundings and individuals in it are not safe and sound and by some means harmful to him. So highly effective can these damaging emotions and fears become, in actuality, that they may well finally control him right up until he either releases them by suggests of spontaneous anger outbursts or resigns. This, in essence, is an expression of the vintage grownup-child dichotomy, as the former wants to be portion of the world, performing as a mature man or woman, functioning, and earning funds, although the latter, mired in the internally fleeing interior kid, seeks security with no problem for the financial suggests to assistance him. The two are inspired by the will need to survive, but on different stages and from age divergent perspectives. Due to the fact of continually replaying traumas in an abusive survivor's head, he can neither check with for support nor protect his steps, and is typically subconsciously decreased to the powerless and overcome youngster that spawned his first debilitation. Absolutely nothing is much more terrorizing than a private confrontation with an additional, since it transports him again to the a great number of-and, most very likely, harmful-types he presently endured. Throughout that powerlessness, moreover, he was under no circumstances perceived as getting been on the correct or triumphing facet. Paradoxically, when this sort of a particular person is appointed to positions of regulate and superiority as an grownup, it offers a degree of safety for him, due to the fact it elevates him to the excellent or profitable function once represented by his abuser. Rather of getting belittled and overpowered as a youngster, he now feels that he can exert these outcomes on other folks, and as a result feels more robust and safer. In truth, this form of man or woman, to better or lesser diploma, can be classified as the generally-labeled "control freak," since he grew up in a chaotic atmosphere wherever lack of handle led to his detriment and he now strives to regain it with this sort of a part at his work. In essence, he employs the identical misdirected technique his abusive moms and dads did at his location of work. Conversely, when he does not believe this sort of a function, and is therefore psychologically regressed to the inner kid stance, he is minimized to taking no matter what arrives his way, no matter if it be further capabilities, duties, or responsibilities that are not essentially paired with increased compensation, simply because he feels too unworthy to refuse them. Ironically, they may signify an intangible "advantage," which most likely only exists for him-particularly, proportionately assuming much more of a workload transforms him into somebody who is appreciated, who is considered as an ally, escalating his degree of basic safety. This summary is far more rational than it may possibly first seem to be, considering that abused kids imagine that they are observed a lot more as enemies than "pals" to their mothers and fathers-that is, these who somehow get in the way, are burdensome, and not essentially desired. Propelled by these kinds of unaccepting major caregivers down a path towards perfection in his duties-all in an attempt to compensate for his "imperfections" and elusively gain that rarely presented appreciate--he may translate this dynamic to the place of work, completing work, features, and reviews in a exact and complete way, and then expecting, but failing to be aware, related functionality in his coworkers. In the end adopting the very same intolerance for their shortcomings as his mothers and fathers did for his, he only re-sparks the cycle in his individual existence, if he has not previously completed so with his very own young children at household. This condition may well evolve till it creates the workaholic, or the human being who replaces his self-well worth with achievement- and financial-well worth. As an abyss devoid of constructive thoughts, he finds it difficult to extract pleasure from friendships and interactions, and his immersion into get the job done allows him to avoid analyzing his unexpressed hurts. His operate setting could be additional of an extension of his property environment than imagined, as the work hopper, constantly looking for new work venues for the ostensible purpose of landing "that best work," may possibly subconsciously be in research of "that ideal household"-or the 1 he under no circumstances experienced, provided that he can trust the "household member" workers residing in it.

[isaacscrawford]

Why Hospitals Are Losing Serious Money And What That Means For Your Future

By ROBERT PEARL, MD

A strange thing happened last year in some the nation’s most established hospitals and health systems. Hundreds of millions of dollars in income suddenly disappeared.

This article examines the economic struggles of inpatient facilities, the even harsher realities in front of them, and why hospitals are likely to aggravate, not address, healthcare’s rising cost issues.

According to the Harvard Business Review, several big-name hospitals reported significant declines and, in some cases, net losses to their FY 2016 operating margins. Among them, Partners HealthCare, New England’s largest hospital network, lost $108 million; the Cleveland Clinic witnessed a 71% decline in operating income; and MD Anderson, the nation’s largest cancer center, dropped $266 million.

How did some of the biggest brands in care delivery lose this much money? The problem isn’t declining revenue. Since 2009, hospitals have accounted for half of the $240 billion spending increase among private U.S. insurers. It’s not that increased competition is driving price wars, either. On the contrary, 1,412 hospitals have merged since 1998, primarily to increase their clout with insurers and raise prices. Nor is it a consequence of people needing less medical care. The prevalence chronic illness continues to escalate, accounting for 75% of U.S. healthcare costs, according to the CDC.

Part Of The Problem Is Rooted In The Past

From the late 19th century to the early 20th, hospitals were places the sick went to die. For practically everyone else, healthcare was delivered by house call. With the introduction of general anesthesia and the discovery of powerful antibiotics, medical care began moving from people’s homes to inpatient facilities. And by the 1950s, some 6,000 hospitals had sprouted throughout the country. For all that expansion, hospital costs remained relatively low. By the time Medicare rolled out in 1965, healthcare consumed just 5% of the Gross Domestic Product (GDP). Today, that number is 18%.

Hospitals have contributed to the cost hike in recent decades by: (1) purchasing redundant, expensive medical equipment and generating excess demand, (2) hiring highly paid specialists to perform ever-more complex procedures with diminishing value, rather than right-sizing their work forces, and (3) tolerating massive inefficiencies in care delivery (see “the weekend effect”).

How Hospital CEOs See It

Most hospital leaders acknowledge the need to course correct, but very few have been able to deliver care that’s significantly more efficient or cost-effective than before. Instead, hospitals in most communities have focused on reducing and eliminating competition. As a result, a recent study found that 90% of large U.S. cities were “highly concentrated for hospitals,” allowing those that remain to increase their market power and prices.

Historically, such consolidation (and price escalation) has enabled hospitals to offset higher expenses. As of late, however, this strategy is proving difficult. Here’s how some leaders explain their recent financial struggles:

“Our expenses continue to rise, while constraints by government and payers are keeping our revenues flat.”

Brigham Health president Dr. Betsy Nabel offered this explanation in a letter to employees this May, adding that the hospital will “need to work differently in order to sustain our mission for the future.”

A founding member of Partners HealthCare in Boston, Brigham & Women’s Hospital (BWH) is the second-largest research hospital in the nation, with over $640 million in funding. Its storied history dates back more than a century. But after a difficult FY 2016, BWH offered retirement buyouts to 1,600 employees, nearly 10% of its workforce.

Three factors contributed to the need for layoffs: (1) reduced reimbursements from payers, including the Massachusetts government, which limits annual growth in healthcare spending to 3.6%, a number that will drop to 3.1% next year, (2) high capital costs, both for new buildings and for the hospital’s electronic health record (EHR) system, and (3) high labor expenses among its largely unionized workforce.

“The patients are older, they’re sicker … and it’s more expensive to look after them.”

That, along with higher labor and drug costs, explained the Cleveland Clinic’s economic headwinds, according to outgoing CEO Dr. Toby Cosgrove. And though he did not specifically reference Medicare, years of flat reimbursement levels have resulted in the program paying only 90% of hospital costs for the “older,” “sicker” and “more expensive” patients.

Of note, these operating losses occurred despite the Clinic’s increase in year-over-year revenue. Operating income is on the upswing in 2017, but it remains to be seen whether the health system’s new CEO can continue to make the same assurances to employees as his predecessor that, “We have no plans for workforce reduction.”

“Salaries and wages and … and increased consulting expenses primarily related to the Epic EHR project.”

Leaders at MD Anderson, the largest of three comprehensive cancer centers in the United States, blamed these three factors for the institution’s operational losses. In a statement, executives attributed a 77% drop in adjusted income last August to “a decrease in patient revenues as a result of the implementation of the new Epic Electronic Health Record system.”

Following a reduction of nearly 1,000 jobs (5% of its workforce) in January 2017, and the resignation of MD Anderson’s president this March, a glimmer of hope emerged. The institution’s operating margins were in the black in the first quarter of 2017, according to the Houston Chronicle.

Making Sense Of Hospital Struggles

The challenges confronting these hospital giants mirror the difficulties nearly all community hospitals face. Relatively flat Medicare payments are constraining revenues. The payer mix is shifting to lower-priced patients, including those on Medicaid. Many once-profitable services are moving to outpatient venues, including physician-owned “surgicenters” and diagnostic facilities. And as one of the most unionized industries, hospitals continue to increase wages while drug companies continue raising prices – at three times the rate of healthcare inflation.

Though these factors should inspire hospital leaders to exercise caution when investing, many are spending millions in capital to expand their buildings and infrastructure with hopes of attracting more business from competitors. And despite a $44,000 federal nudge to install EHRs, hospitals are finding it difficult to justify the investment. Digital records are proven to improve patient outcomes, but they also slow down doctors and nurses. According to the annual Deloitte “Survey of US Physicians,” 7 out of 10 physicians report that EHRs reduce productivity, thereby raising costs.

Harsh Realities Ahead For Hospitals

Although nearly every hospital talks about becoming leaner and more efficient, few are fulfilling that vision. Given the opportunity to start over, our nation would build fewer hospitals, eliminate the redundancy of high-priced machines, and consolidate operating volume to achieve superior quality and lower costs.

Instead, hospitals are pursuing strategies of market concentration. As part of that approach, they’re purchasing physician practices at record rates, hoping to ensure continued referral volume, regardless of the cost.

Today, commercial payers bear the financial brunt of hospital inefficiencies and high costs but, at some point, large purchasers will say “no more.” These insurers may soon get help from the nation’s largest purchaser, the federal government. Last month, President Donald Trump issued an executive order with language suggesting the administration and federal agencies may seek to limit provider consolidation, lower barriers to entry and prevent “abuses of market power.”

With pressure mounting, hospital administrators find themselves wedged deeper between a rock and a hard place. They know doctors, nurses, and staff will fight the changes required to boost efficiency, especially those that involve increasing productivity or lowering headcount. But at their same time, their bargaining power is diminishing as health-plan consolidation continues. The four largest insurance companies now own 83% of the national market.

What’s more, the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) announced last week a $1.6 billion cut to certain Medicare Part B drug payments along with reduced reimbursements for off-campus hospital outpatient departments in 2018. CMS said these moves will “provide a more level playing field for competition between hospitals and physician practices by promoting greater payment alignment.”

The American healthcare system is stuck with investments that made sense decades ago but that now result in hundreds of billions of dollars wasted each year. Hospitals are a prime example. That’s why we shouldn’t count on hospital administrators to solve America’s cost challenges.

Change will need to come from outside the traditional healthcare system. The final part of this series will explore three potential solutions and highlight the innovative companies leading the effort.

This post first appeared at Forbes.com and appears with the author’s permission. Dr. Robert Pearl is the bestselling author of “Mistreated: Why We Think We’re Getting Good Health Care–And Why We’re Usually Wrong” and a Stanford University professor. Follow him @RobertPearlMD 

Article source:The Health Care Blog

[mnefaulkerson]

How to Deal with Rude People – Co-Workers, Associates, Customers, Strangers

This is part 1 of my series on how to deal with rude people — including strangers, co-workers, associates, and customers.

(Photo: mosoma; Image: Personal Excellence)

Quick Note from Celes: Hi everyone! This is a series I wrote in 2010 and I’ve given it a refresh. It’s a complete guide to deal with rude people and comes with 16 comprehensive tips. Parts 1-3 are all ready and you can click on to part 2 at the end of this post. Enjoy!

Dealing with rude people can be a tricky thing. I personally hate dealing with rude people, and as much as I can, shed them away.

However, there are times when you don’t have the luxury of choice. Say if the person is a co-worker, a manager, a business associate, a customer, or even a service staff you need to talk to get what you need. If it’s in a workplace setting and you’re at an entry-level position, being combative can make you lose your job or ruin advancement opportunities.

A Rude Client

This brings to mind a rude client whom I worked with years ago, whom I’ll refer to as T. T was one of the rudest people I had met up till that point. For perspective, I have a very high threshold for what’s considered rude, given that I used to work in a very high-stress environment where exchanges could get very direct depending on the kind of personalities involved. Even though people from outside the company might see these exchanges as rude and stressful, we the employees didn’t. We simply learned to objectify any harsh comments and treat them as constructive criticism.

Hence when I say that T was rude, she was truly very rude. When I first met her, I was miffed by her attitude. Without getting into specifics, let’s just say that she treated me with very little respect, like I was a half-human with no worth rather than an actual human being. She would raise her voice and lose her temper, was unsupportive with requests, talked to me in a dismissive way, used her authority to push me around, and didn’t even acknowledge my presence when we met in person, not even after I smiled at and greeted her. She treated me like a 10 year old who didn’t deserve respect while she acted like she was my master, even though we are both mature adults in a modern society.

The worst thing was that her rude behavior seemed specifically targeted at me. I had no idea why as her rudeness was evident from Day 1. What was weird was that she was extremely sweet and friendly — a complete 180 from how she treated me — to my employee, who happened to be a guy. Even he observed the same. My logical guess was that her rudeness was a form of catty behavior from one woman to another. Regardless, there is no excuse for such poor behavior.

Even though I could have dropped this deal, I chose not to. At that time I was just starting PE and I valued every opportunity I could get. This was no different. Even though she was acting like an ass, I refused to balk. After all, she was more like an agent of the organization I was working with — I wasn’t working for her as much as I was serving the organization and the participants of the workshop I was conducting. I wasn’t going to let go of a business deal and an opportunity to touch others’ lives over someone like that. Not at all.

In the end, I delivered the workshop successfully, received great feedback, and used this to build my portfolio and seal new deals.

How many of you have faced such a situation before? Perhaps not with a client per se, but a situation where you had to deal with a rude, disrespectful person/ co-worker/ manager/ customer/ even stranger, even though you’d rather not?

If yes, I hear you. Many of my clients have shared with me unpleasant encounters with terrible, rude people, so you’re not alone.

Learn to Deal with Rude People

Honestly, I wish there isn’t any rude person in the world. If everyone is kind and helpful to one another, I think the world will be a much better place. One of my goals here is to raise the consciousness of the world, to bring people up from the lower levels of hate, anger, and apathy, to the higher levels of love, courage, and joy. When that happens, I believe that there’ll be less angry people and more caring souls. I’m personally working hard at being more caring myself.

However, there is still a long way for us to go. Until we live in a world where everyone is vibrating at the state of joy, we need to learn to deal with rude people as a fact of life. I know people who quit their jobs each time they face a rude manager / colleagues, and guess what? It doesn’t solve the problem. What happens is that they subsequently run into the same situation in their next workplace, after which they do the same thing — quit. In the end, these people become serial job hoppers. Nothing changes as they still have to face rude people, and they back themselves into a career dead end, having burned bridges from their previous jobs and having a shaky track record. This is obviously not a solution.

So how do we deal with rude people? Here is my guide to do so:

1) Keep calm

The tricky thing about dealing with rude people is that you may feel like beating them up or boxing their faces sometimes, especially if the person is being very obnoxious and demeaning.

But I’ve found that while it may be momentarily satisfying to lash out in a moment’s anger, it’s often not worth it. Firstly, when you lose your cool, you lose control of the situation. You may feel like you’re in power, but you are no longer operating at a high level of consciousness, which means that you are no longer thinking rationally. Next, when you lash out at someone, you may end up saying or doing something that you will regret later — something I know I’ve been guilty of. People who are emotional tend to say the wrong things as they are on an adrenaline rush; even if they regret what they did later, it’s too late as what’s said or done can be hard to retract — especially in today’s world where everything can be recorded and traced. And sometimes there are things that, when said and done, can be very difficult to retract and fix. 

So no matter how angry you are, get a hold of yourself first. Consider these:

So what if you lose your temper at this person — what do you accomplish? Note that in a workplace setting, losing your temper — assuming that you’re not the head honcho — may make you appear unprofessional and cause you to lose respect among your co-workers. 

How will making the other person miserable positively change your life in any way? Chances are, probably not. So why do it?

Will anger help this situation? Do you need this person to achieve a particular outcome? For example in customer service, you may feel like screaming at the rude staff. But perhaps this person is the gatekeeper to something you need. So if you lose your temper, you may not get what you want or take a longer time to get what you want.

Take a deep breath and imagine anger being released as steam from the top of your head. Sounds funny, but it works. If it’s an email, hold off on replying first and let it sit in your head for a while. If it’s a phone conversation or an in-person encounter, set aside your anger and reply as rationally as you can. You can vent later when you are with friends and family, but don’t go berserk in front of this person.

Note that there is a difference between consciously losing anger to achieve a strategic aim (which is a strategy used in business negotiations and staff management) and losing anger because you’ve lost control of the situation. The latter is what we want to avoid.

2) Don’t take it personally

When we face rude people, it’s easy to blame ourselves. We may think that there’s something wrong with us, that perhaps there is some unappealing quality about us that triggered such reactions in others. I know that I often think this way. When someone is being mean to me, I’ll automatically assume that there’s something wrong with me.

Yet when I take a step back and stop the self-beating cycle, I realize that it’s not about me. Perhaps that person had a bad day. Perhaps the person has an attitude problem. Perhaps the person has anger issues. Even if the person is specifically being rude to you, like T was to me, that person probably has some personal hangups that got fired off when he/she met you. For example, perhaps T is catty toward women because she sees them as competition, and I was merely one of many women she had mistreated.

Either way, it’s that person’s personal construct, beliefs, values, conditioning, and past experiences that made him/her act this way toward you. Assuming that you did nothing to trigger this negativity, like you were not deliberately trying to step on his/her toes, his/her rudeness is really more about his/her story and personal issues than you. So don’t fault or blame yourself. There is nothing wrong with you so please don’t beat yourself down. ♥

3) Confront if necessary. Otherwise, stay away.

Confrontation is a very tricky thing and I try to avoid it where possible. There are 3 criteria I use to decide if a confrontation is necessary:

The person has totally crossed the line in rude behavior (e.g., name calling, abuse, violation of personal boundaries)

The person is of the same or lower authority compared to you (e.g., a subordinate or a work peer)

Calling the person out will achieve more gains than losses, and you are prepared to deal with the losses

Why so? It’s not because I condone rudeness — I don’t. It’s more that there are pros and cons to every action, and while it’s tempting to call out someone on their rudeness and put them in their place, I’ve found that it doesn’t achieve anything sometimes. In fact, sometimes it creates more harm than if you just let it pass.

For example with my experience with T, I didn’t call her out on her ridiculous behavior because it wasn’t worth it to me. First of all, she was a very senior ranking staff in her late 30s, while I was just in my mid 20s then. Given her age and rank, she really should have known better. The fact that she acted that way meant that she intentionally wanted to be rude, and hence wouldn’t have cared what I had to say. Secondly, we were in a client-provider relationship. As the person in charge, she could have dismissed me if I gave her the slightest reason to — and as I mentioned above, the project was important to me. I wasn’t there to serve her but to serve the organization and the participants of the workshop I was conducting. Even if she couldn’t, she probably would have made things even more difficult for me, and I didn’t want to get more trouble.

If the situation is one where you have little bargaining power, confronting will not be your best option. Say if you are a working level employee in a large corporation. Or if you are a frontline staff working in a hotel, restaurant, shop, or call center. Or if you’re an account executive managing client accounts.

This doesn’t mean you should stomach insults or inhumane behavior. If there is someone who gets personal and crosses the line in terms of basic human respect, you should escalate it to your managers. Document the incident(s) and let them handle it. If you’re a customer, consider filing a formal complaint if the staff was extremely rude to you.

4) Don’t expect the rude behavior to change

Some people are just rude. Maybe they don’t realize how rude and unpleasant their behavior is — it’s their blind spot. Maybe they are aware but they just like to boss others around. Maybe they just enjoy being *ssholes.

Realize that you can’t change others. If you keep hoping that the rude person in question will have a sudden change of heart, you will be disappointed half the time. You can change your actions which may change his/her behavior, but don’t change yourself expecting him/her to change.

For example, in the first few times I interfaced with T, I thought that if I was nicer or acted in a different way, she would stop being so rude. However, no matter how I treated her, she would run me over like a lawn mower each time. I would emerge from each conversation feeling really pissed and demoralized.

When I reflected on the situation, I realized it was because I had altered my behavior when interacting with her by being especially respectful and nice to her, thinking that she would reciprocate with the same kindness and attitude. I was also attached to this expectation. Hence when she continued to treat me poorly, I would feel that it was my fault.

Needless to say, this thinking was unhealthy.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t try different ways to improve your relationship with the rude person. I’m saying that you should not do so expecting to receive a different treatment from him/her. By not having expectations, it makes it easier for you to manage the situation. Imagine that this rude person is never going to change his/her behavior, ever. How are you going to handle him/her? What are you going to do about his/her rudeness?

Continue on to Part 2: How to Deal with Rude People – Tips #5 – #10

Related Posts:

How to Deal with Rude People – Part 3

How to Deal with Rude People – Part 2

[Manifesto] How to Deal with Rude People

Bullied at Work? 5 Crucial Tips to Handle Workplace Bullying

The post How to Deal with Rude People – Co-Workers, Associates, Customers, Strangers is first published on Personal Excellence.

from Personal Excellence http://ift.tt/2hUUFrO

[j2recovery-blog]

Overcoming Resentment and Bitterness

Overcoming Resentment and Bitterness

“Resentment is the ‘number one’ offender.  It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.  From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick.  When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.  In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper.  We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry.”

(AA, 2002)

Defining Resentment

The word resentment is best understood as having bitter indignation at being treated unfairly or unkindly. Resentment can come when you are misunderstood, neglected, rejected, slighted, and mistreated. This treatment is followed by bitterness, discontentment, and dissatisfaction. It can bring about ill will, animosity toward others, and feelings of envy and jealousy.  

When we are resentful, we are not merely rehearsing the facts of a slight or argument. Instead, we re-experience and relive them in a way that affects us emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually in very destructive ways. Failure to let go of resentment will further disintegrate connections with others and damage intimate relationships.

Once you have been offended or an offense is perceived, it can lead to intense feelings of disappointment, disgust, and anger.  Robert C. Solomon, a professor of philosophy at the University of Texas at Austin, sees resentment, anger, and contempt as a similar feeling toward individuals that have different levels of status. He argues resentment is directed toward a higher-status individual; anger is directed toward an equal status individual; and contempt is anger directed toward someone of lower status (Solomon, 1993).  

The Infection

Years ago, I had a finger that began to throb. It turned pink and ugly and was highly sensitive to even the slightest bump. This extreme sensitivity did not occur because I was weak or unable to handle pain. I was not distorting or faking the intense and uncomfortable, painful feelings. This reaction occurred because the finger was infected. I believe people who have been wounded in the past often carry emotional infections, not external wounds, but internal and emotional wounds that have gone unhealed and been allowed to fester. Once that has occurred, it may result in an over-reactivity to even the slightest bumping. Mistakes, hurts, and slights are filtered through painful experiences of the past. The current felt-pain is added to the pain of the past, and results in increased resentment. The original wound and the original wounder get mixed up with present day events and present day people. These inaccuracies and distortions cause further relational heartache.

Changing the Way You Think

The past cannot be changed. We can, however, change the way we think about it. Our perceptions can be altered. Rather than be bitter, angry, and resentful about what happened, we can change the way we think about it. Although we cannot change the past, we can change the way we see ourselves because of what happened. We do not need to see ourselves as inadequate, inferior, or incompetent. Resentment is fueled by rehearsing and ruminating over what happened. Continuing in this line of thinking will cause bitterness and resentment to grow.  

Common Thoughts Behind Resentment

Examine the thoughts below. Check the ones that apply to you.  

I don’t deserve this kind of treatment

They didn’t consider my disability

I was discriminated against because of my race, culture, creed, color

My parents expected more of me than they should have

I had to be more responsible than other people

I did the work and they got the credit

Other’s actions and words were disrespectful and made me feel inadequate

They broke their promises

I expected them to act like adults  

I expected them to act like professionals

I could never please them, no matter how hard I tried

Even though I made my feelings known, they persisted in hurting me

I treated him fairly, but he betrayed and humiliated me anyway

My parents didn’t treat me fairly

They didn’t get caught, but I did

My life didn’t have to be this hard

I was teased, mocked, ridiculed, bullied, and made fun of

My sentence was unfair

My life was difficult, unfair, complicated, and unjust

I was often misunderstood in my feelings and my actions

I grew up underprivileged, poor, and deprived

The system owes me and I’m not getting what I deserve

Others got promotions and advancement, even though I deserved it more than they did

I was often overlooked and ignored

Other people did not do enough for me

I trusted them and they lied, deceived, and betrayed me

I was singled out, targeted, and profiled

Other people did not do what they should have done for me

They had no time for me

That person was selfish, self-centered, and self absorbed, with no time for me

This really isn’t my fault, they are the ones to blame

They didn’t acknowledge or appreciate my experience, knowledge, strength, or contribution

Others treated me in an unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and thoughtless way

How it Works

Resentment often remain because we justify our right to be offended. Letting go of a resentment grates against our sense of justice. We were wronged, and therefore we are right to be hurt, angry and offended. With that attitude, resentment lingers and bitterness develops. If you carry bitterness and resentment, you may be quick to blame others for problems as they arise. The person filled with resentment is often reluctant to admit responsibility or fault, and is resistant to being held accountable for future actions.

When we are injured by someone we are intimately involved with or close to, the wound will often have lasting effects. Injuries resulting in resentful feelings often occur by those closest to us. We feel betrayed and resentful because we expected better treatment and more love and affection from those closest to us.  

Effects of Carrying Resentment

When resentment goes unresolved, it can have a variety of negative effects. You may feel easily irritated, touchy, or have a sense of edginess when you think about the person who hurt you. There may be a denial of anger on the surface, but inwardly, hidden damage is on the increase. Focusing on past hurts may cause you to feel like a victim in every difficult situation. This will alter your perception of reality and make it difficult to have gratifying, rewarding, and positive interpersonal experiences. You will find what you are looking for. If you expect to be mistreated, slighted, and offended, you will surely find it.  

It Gets Worse

Long-term effects of bitterness may include the development of a hostile, cynical, and sarcastic attitude. This may further damage relationships and thwart your own personal and emotional growth. It may become increasingly more difficult to communicate your emotions to others, trust other people, and you may lose self-confidence. Future miscommunications may result, which only increase resentful feelings and make reconciliation increasingly more difficult and unlikely.

Let It Go

Carrying past resentment may make us thin-skinned. You may find yourself easily and often offended. Consider the game of hockey. The players on the team often get bumped, even by teammates. Thankfully, they do not become resentful, instead seeing it as part of the sport of hockey. Life is like that, too. You are going to get bumped. Do not be surprised or shaken when difficulties arise, you do not get treated with respect, or you get bumped in life. Let it go, overlook it, and cover it over. Become a master at forgiveness.

Change your thinking

I am choosing to forgive

My thoughts about the past may be inaccurate

I can respect others, even though I’ve been mistreated

Commitment to my character drives my actions, not someone else’s treatment of me

I can quit repeating past mistreatment

I can make better choices today

I can be intentional not reactive

I can choose to love others for who they are, not hate them for what they’ve done

Resolving Resentment

Gain awareness of the emotions you experience regarding your past hurt.

Acknowledge how the action or past hurt affected you when it happened.Reflect on what you began to think and believe about yourself because of what you endured.

Begin to alter what you think and believe in the present, rather than repeat the offending behavior or focus on the offender.

Forgive the original wound-er, which enables you to not react to the current offense with the same intensity.  

Examine how your resentment may come from mentally confusing people in your present life with people from your past.  

Put a thought between your feelings of resentment and indulging in ruminating about them, such as “I am able to forgive,” or “that past pain no longer shapes my present or my future.”

Think like a forgiving person. “I am able to forgive faults, cover over mistakes, and overlook an offense.”

Focus on those things you can control. You can’t control the past, but you can make better choices today–begin by letting go of hurt feelings.

Accept that people make mistakes and are imperfect. Choose to let go of their past mistakes and live your life filled with kindness, compassion, and understanding. Increasing your compassion for others will allow you to accept the imperfect actions and unfairness of the past. Use these things to become stronger, rather than seeing yourself as a victim.

Alcoholics Anonymous (2001). The big book. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.  

Solomon, R. C. (1993). The passions: Emotions and the meaning of life. Indianapolis: Hackett Publishing.