#it’s gonna be hard to blend in when you got this giant thing attached to your back

[smilesrobotlover]

Linebeck, Bellum, and Bellumbeck villain squad au

Linebeck is a captain who sails the sea searching for treasure, which includes stealing from the castle a lot and facing the head knight a lot. Meanwhile, Bellum is creature that despises the ocean king and wishes to steal his power and overthrow him. He does not care about the land of Hyrule, or any land really because of the people who disrespect his home, but he does like the people when they fall into the ocean, trapped and alone for him to feast upon their force. Linebeck and Bellum have met a few times, and frustratingly so, Linebeck evaded him many times.

When meeting the villain team, Bellum needs someone to possess to act as his vessel for when he’s on land. He originally has his eyes on the fierce and powerful first knight, but Linebeck ends up saving the first knight and loses his freedom, being forced into a puppet. It wasn’t what Bellum was going for, but he wasn’t complaining. He just hopes Linebeck is a strong enough vessel to keep him alive on land. But Bellum doesn’t know that they both rely on each other with surviving this whole ordeal.

[itcamefromthetoybox]

Goth-Man Begins

Alright, it’s been a while. Between my health, work, and the rising price of essentials, I haven’t been able to keep a consistent review schedule. So first thing to note, reviews will be keeping to a schedule of when I can do them. Not ideal, yeah, but that’s life sometimes. Now onto the show!

We just got yet another Batman movie, and for once, it’s not an origin story! Thank God. It was getting to be a bit much. Since I’m still avoiding theaters like the plague (my immune system is bad and Covid is still a thing), I still haven’t seen it. What I have seen, though, is the ton of merch for it! So today, we’re talking about “The Batman” figure of… well… The Batman.

Some of you may know this already, but for the longest time, toy companies loved to make toys of movies that were really not kid-friendly. “Terminator,” the original “Robocop,” and even “Alien” and “Spawn” all had action figures aimed at kids. I’m bringing this up because, even though “The Batman” isn’t a kid movie, it’s got a ton of toys. When people hear “super hero,” and especially when they hear “Batman,” they assume it’s something for kids, which means they want merch for the kids. “The Batman” has a decent amount of toys, despite being the latest “darkest Batman ever.” Today’s figure is from the main action figure line of 4-inch figures, not to be confused with the 10-inch or Lego lines.

Each figure in this line’s about 4 inches and really articulated, with Batman being no exception. He’s got articulation in his shoulders, neck, elbows, knees, legs, and thighs, so this is a Batman who can lay down a beat-down and then strike an over-dramatic pose. His cape is a piece of thin fabric attached to his neck, so it can flow in the wind, but it can’t be posed. If you pull too hard on it, though, it feels like it’ll rip off. You’d think Bruce Wayne would have invested more money into a sturdy cape.

“DARKNESS! NO PARENTS! SUPER RICH, KINDA MAKES IT BETTER!”

Each figure in the line also comes with three accessories, which actually brings us to my first complaint with the figure. Of course Batman has a batarang and his grappling hook as two of his accessories, but his third accessory is a weak point. It’s a piece of chest armor that clips onto Batman’s torso, which sounds great in theory. The issue is that it looks just like his actual body. There’s nothing about it to make it stand out, which makes sense in the movie because Batman’s supposed to be a night terror, but if that is what the toy makers were thinking about, then why did they make Batman’s oversized grappling hook firetruck red? Yeah, his body blends into the night, but criminals are gonna notice the GIANT RED GRAPPLING HOOK. 

Guess which of these pics has him wearing the chest piece.

Also, Batman has nowhere he can store his accessories. So he either has to hold them at all times or they get set aside, which means you’ll probably lose at least one of them within an hour. Probably the batarang. It’s really tiny.

“Who has the coolest gadgets? BATMAN!”

The sculpting on Batman looks really good for the most part. His armor plating, straps, and everything else in his outfit are molded right on. The suit looks great. So after that glowing review, of course you know I’ve got something bad to say. I hate Batman’s head. It’s not the sculpt itself that’s the issue. The problem is the paint job on it. I spent a good several minutes looking for a Batman whose eyes weren’t screwed up, and there were some whose mask paint was a little off around the mouth. Finding a Batman with good eyes is a challenge, honestly. They gave Batman actual eyes like he has in the movie, instead of the white lenses he has in the comics. The issue with that is that if there’s the slightest slip on the small eyes in the factory, you end up with a Batman who looks very concussed, crosseyed, or looking in two directions at once. So good luck finding one with good eyes. The longer the toyline is out, the harder that’s going to get, because the good figures will sell out.

The face of JUSTICE!

Batman’s out at mass retail now for about $10, which is a good price. Honestly, I would recommend this toy for kids. Just make sure they don’t eat small things, or those accessories are gone. It’s a fun, posable toy, and a solid Batman that kids will love. I know I complained about the eyes, but most kids probably won’t pay that much attention to the eyes. Also, it’s in scale with DC’s other kid-aimed toys, which The Youth will love. Give this figure a shot, but maybe think carefully before taking a kid to see the movie. Anyways, this is JL signing off and wishing you Happy Toy Hunting!

[steve0discusses]

S4 Ep 39: Pharaoh Can Fly (Selectively)

Guys, they’re back

Best storyboarder is back, and the visual difference between last episode and this episode is like when your art teacher picks up your charcoal and just fixes everything wrong with your gesture drawings. It’s like...I mean look at this:

I just really love and appreciate how illustrative this storyboarder is. And I say just storyboarder because this had about the same budget as the last episode--there wasn’t that much actual animation as per usual. But, all of the scenes were drawn so well, like panels out of a good manga. They just...they always nail it when they’re at the helm and I don’t know why they’re on Yugioh, but bless this storyboarder.

Plot wise, everyone got pulled into the dragon by gooey tentacles that came out of it’s stomach, don’t think about it.

Meanwhile, all of the minibosses could communicate with them and beg for help, yes, even the same miniboss who may have dressed up like Pegasus and catfished Seto Kaiba.

(keep reading under the cut)

The whole process of getting absorbed into the Orichalcos demon was a whole lot of symbolism and it was...kinda gross. Also kinda sketch. Also, for Kaiba it is a neat little nod to S1 when he had a vision that his brother was absorbed into a dragon mass.

I don’t think that the makers of the show remember S1, but either they just really like goopy dragons, or it’s a coincidence or I dunno, on purpose? Probably a coincidence.

And like I made this joke and realized...what if they actually meant to make that parallel though? This is the America crossover season, and they have referenced America’s love of trickster rabbits before with Pegasus but do they know about Br’er rabbit in Japan? Do they know? It’s a pretty Americana Deep-cut, and I have no idea how common this folktale is outside of the states.

I see anime busting out absorbing goopy masses all the time so I’m gonna assume that there might be a Japanese folklore I don’t know about which uses a similar structure (although I’m also assuming it has an extremely different history and association ((which I won’t be going into because I don’t feel like putting a trigger warning on this recap)).)

And looking at Wikipedia, there’s people that think the original reference to moist, absorbing creatures could have even come from as far as India. Which is...fascinating to how it also developed in Africa, and then the Cherokee also made the same story independently and then it fused together here in the States to make it what was eventually made into a Disney movie that will never be released again--this is just a really old ass story, all in all, possibly like over a thousand years old.

And a FASCINATING google deep dive I won’t go into for obvious reasons but knock yourself out.

Also, lets get distracted for a sec and see how well this storyboarder drew a fitted jacket at that angle. Dear Lord, did they get reference for that or did their brain just already know that those folds would be there? You can even tell that Pharaoh has just a little bit of padding at his shoulders. Ugh. Guys this storyboarder is so freakin good at these little fitted jackets.

So, once Yugi and his friends are absorbed into the mass, where they should have died...and maybe some of them did, but I don’t know if I should add that to the Death Count because like...they could have held their breath in the amount of time they were stuck in there...maybe...Anyway, they are saved by being tossed into the figurative briar patch--by the souls all hanging out in the Leviathan’s stomach--which again makes me wonder...did they pull a folklore on us? Again, I have no idea.

Like a lot of the people in this dragon have been thorns in their side this entire season, they’ve all tried to kill them at one point--all the minibosses, Mai, Pegasus--but now they have decided to team up with Pharaoh (along with the rest of the human race) and offer whatever they can to free them from the grip of the gross dragon mass.

And like, the ending of the folk tale is that the thorny ass briar patch is also where the rabbit lives usually. It hurts everyone else, but the rabbit--the rabbit can deal with it. And likewise, Pharaoh is freakin dead. He’s at home here. He’s surrounded by spirit power, his friends and their friendship power, this is like his zone, and now he’s crazy powerful for it and will be for the rest of the episode.

And like Yami is a very trickster God (especially Season Zero Yami) so like...it does make sense that he would mirror a folk tale based on trickster Gods, even if it is by complete accident.

So Pharaoh imagines everyone’s tears as individual drops in a glass or something--it’s not a literal glass or anything--it’s just there because the only thing actually happening on screen was his hand hanging out of this dragon’s weird puss skin.

And he’s now a fully charged Sonic the Hedgehog and no longer needs Kaiba or Joey at all. Just gonna grab his God card demons and take charge of everything else from here on out.

By first exploding his buddies right the hell out of this lizard and across hundreds of feet of open ocean.

Joey decides to remind Kaiba that he lost the Battle City tournament.

Seto’s roast was actually in the show, PS. He is not super excited to be reminded that Yugi owns every card that he spent 2 seasons failing to get.

And then Pharaoh did something really, really...

...just really really wild.

OH OK.

YEAH JUST TAKE OFF.

GO AHEAD THERE’S NO REASON THIS WOULD BOTHER ME.

I mean he IS super powered right now but like...

Like...WTF?

4 SEASONS. 4 SEASONS I thought this guy was glued to Yugi like Peter Pan’s Shadow and apparently--he can bounce.

Can Pharaoh do this every time Yugi asks Tea out on a date and tries to instead make the ghost in his head do all the work now? Can Pharaoh just be like “NOPE” and then phase out of the house, leaving Yugi to actually do the hard stuff?

It really adds a level of complexity to their relationship if Yugi can get a room.

(If not a room for romance, but at the very least a room to poop in.)

OR has he been able to allow Yugi to wicked poop in peace this whole time, but the show just never felt like telling us because they felt like it wasn’t important (although it is crazy important)?

Either way I am just...floored at this character development.

Yami just let Yugi out of his sight for like...I want to say 8 full minutes. Just incredible amount of trust on Yami’s part. Incredible. Knowing Yugi’s track record, he should have died in those 8 minutes but...he was being babysat by both Kaiba and Joey.

So Yami summons the Gods and they shoot lasers--you kinda expect this sort of thing.

And this is...probably...the real reason why Dartz didn’t bother trying to attack Pharaoh 5,000 years ago.

I can still think it’s because of Bakura but like...this is probably the real reason. It felt pretty chump to just shoot a laser at the bastard. Pharaoh just had to be reminded that this is a thing he can just do. If he felt like it.

Which he never feels like doing, because he’s too busy watching Yugi’s every move, and getting distracted by High School shenanigans.

After this happens, the giant snake falls to the ocean, splitting into just sooooooo many ghosts.

Over 7.8 billion ghosts, if we’re to assume that this is most of the population on Earth.

(thinking the weird-o in the hat is probably a Duel Monsters card? The duel monsters were throwing themselves into the Leviathan at one point so this is probably like a dark magician boy or something...I just don’t get very attached to the monster cards so it was like...whatever. The cards die like constantly so who cares?)

It is a pretty set dressing. Like Christmas lights but...dead people.

We also find out that the lost family of our minibosses Alister and Raphael, have indeed spent the last many years inside the Leviathan stomach, which is pretty tragic. We get a bitter sweet conclusion to Alister and Raphael’s story--although it’s not a full on ending for either character. Their life still hella sucks, they are in therapy for basically forever.

Where is Gurimo?

I don’t know what sort of job or life these two are qualified to have now, but youknow...Marik’s boat probably has jobs available.

Hold up. Can we talk about the windows?

I know absolutely none of you care about this, but I do, not to be picky or condescending to an overworked art team, but because I just want to know what they were trying to aim for.

There’s an iron stained glass style windowpane thing going on and that’s what’s really getting me. Like...I know these guys were technologically advanced, but why did you use this WW2 background? What happened to Ancient Greece that you were doing before?

Like doing a super past with future tech is so cool to me--I love that sort of concept art. That’s going into like Black Panther stuff where you’re referencing the earliest stuff in Africa and then blending it with stuff beyond our science. But Atlantis is a real big shrug and a “listen we ran out of time and had to press print,” and it’s such a shame. It feels less cohesive than even when this show does Egypt.

And yo this show and how it draws ancient Egypt--I feel like I’ve already talked about that. I have a feeling I’m going to talk a lot more about it next season. I’ll get to it when we get to it. I’m hoping that they have more time and budget to actually DO Egypt for once. (I say knowing they won’t)

Like it’s one of those things where this isn’t a history show, like at all, and it’s very much a fantasy. I’m not going to be like those sewing people on youtube that get annoyed because their TV show doesn’t have handsewn stitching in their Victorian bodices they rented from the costume department from an LA discount warehouse. Because, yo, it’s TV, and I can stretch my own imagination because it’s acting. (although I confess, I watch every single one of those videos).

But...the potential, y’all...the potential.

Anyway, Dartz isn’t dead. He was just taking his toot sweet time getting down the steps of his Gazebo.

This is where things get very anime. I get this problem a lot with anime, I really do--and maybe it’s just me. But like...sometimes it feels like anime changes the rules during the boss fight.

That happens a lot, right? Where suddenly the final boss reveals something that like...should have been addressed way earlier? And he’s alive but you don’t get why?

Anyway, Pharaoh reacts by getting maybe way too attached to his newfound independence.

Which like...I can understand Tea forgetting that Yugi is one people that is two people all the time, but the writers as well?

And what’s kind of great about this scene is that Dartz does see Yugi as two people here. He doesn’t look at Yugi, he looks at both. When Pharaoh is like “Leave me, Yugi!” Dartz heard all of that.

Just kind of a neat thing that we finally have a dude that can just...see Pharaoh for what he is, but it probably won’t matter because there’s like only one more episode left of this season.

Anyway, Pharaoh and Dartz have a chat about where evil comes from...and like...it’s some Yugioh lore, all right.

So before the show decides to give us the Genesis on Yugioh and reveal where the evil of the Orichalcos comes from, or if all evil was created by Orichalcos itself (which is IMPLYING stuff about Orichalcos) the snake shuts him the hell up.

As it should. Leave that Pandora’s box freakin closed. That’s going into extended universe of Star Wars books territory (RIP.)

As an aside--pretty sure that Yugi is standing outside that tornado. Maybe it was just the editing of the episode but like...

Yo I’m pretty sure Yugi is just standing there. For the first time, it’s not his nuts getting roasted. Wow. Tables have turned so much since he was dead.

Anyway, here’s the link for new people so you can read these in order

https://steve0discusses.tumblr.com/tagged/yugioh/chrono

There’s only one left! We can do it! We can finish this season in 2020! And actually get back to recapping Full Metal Alchemist! ~~Woooo~~

Oh man that movie better still be on Netflix or I’ll have to buy it lolol.

[daddy-daichis]

Yesterday the very beautiful and talented @fuwari-s tagged me in this game and since that post is already really long i figured id make a new one lol  (Also thank you for tagging me, it made me so happy)

The Game: Tag your 2D lovers + the other trend I saw yesterday and wanted to do which is Would you actually date them IRL. So ill put that under the cut because it is a lot.

HQ: Atsumu, Daichi, Issei, Bokuto, Hinata, and Kyoutani

BNHA: Bakugou, Denki, and Hawks

JJK: Sukuna and Mei Mei

Others: Kagami from KNB, Levi and Jean from AOT, and Mikoto Suoh from K

So if you want to know if i would date them irl that is below the cut lol

As for tagging... if you want to do it :) @eijirosriot @bokutosnumberonefan @hinosreis @tetsus-kitten @sugawarakoushihoe @mynameisjackattack and anyone else who wants to do one or both of these challenges.

Alright so would i date these men (+ mei mei) in real life. Short answer is yes lmao. Long answer, with some headcanons that may or may not  venture into 18+ category but only slightly. all aged up to be my age which is 26.

Atsumu - PLEASE, YES

we would be so chaotic together but he would also be really loving. As long as he can still prioritize me in a relationship, not over volleyball, just as much, then we will be golden. We would have such a good time and i feel like we would have a lot of fun bickering, which i really enjoy. Play fighting as a form of foreplay, if you will lmao. We’d probs be friends in HS and then get together after he starts playing for MSBY and he is secured in his position (and himself tbh). I just love this cocky bastard. he also gives me switch vibes and as a switch, i love that for me.

Daichi - YES

All i need is to be wrapped in his arms on the daily and i would be happy. Man would know how to take care of me and that is all. Love of my life, too good for this world. Wholesome husband. He would be able to manage my crazy side and chill me out when i get to anxious. I would want to be bratty just to get him to drop his good guy routine sometimes and I feel like he would like that.

Issei - YES

Funeral home employee can get it. Matsukawa Horse cock Issei can whisk me off my feet and straight into bed. we would have a lot of fun picking on oikawa together (out of love of course) but we would balance each other out a lot. His darker humor would go well against my lighter humor. Also I feel like our level of hotness is pretty comparable... like we aren't the prettiest in the friend group but still good (if that makes sense)

Bokuto - YES

Big ball of sunshine to light up my day, he would literally fuck the sad out of me every day I just know it. Like atsumu, as long as I am a priority to him itll work out. We also kind of have the same sad moods so I feel like we could either both just curl up on the couch together and watch a movie or bring the other out of a funk easily. I love this giant himbo so much.

Hinata - most likely yes

Pretty much the same reasons as bokuto but I feel like I would get drained of his energy faster, so he would def have to cuddle me more. For everyone else so far I can imagine being high school sweethearts, but with hinata i think he wouldnt settle down until later, or even start dating so it would probably be a lot of pining and watching him from the side lines for a while, which would be really hard tbh. but the way he would smile at me after a match would make it worth it so...

 Kyoutani - Hard YES

I love a boy with anger issues, what can i say... (cough couch my irl husband with anger issues couch couch) I would love to be his weak spot and the one person he would go to to help him not feel angry anymore. I think that my fun personality would help him to unbox himself a bit. I just want to give him cuddles and a place to feel accepted. id also i KNOW hes a monster in bed... 

Bakugou - FUCKING HARD YES, PLEASE

if he was real the things i would do to and for him... A lot like kyoutani i would want to give him a place where hes accepted, and a place where he is unconditionally loved. I would be able to handle his misguided anger and calm him down and give him space. I headcanon that hes very cuddly in private to just his S/O which is something that i love. I love his lil smirk and would do anything to get him to smirk at me. As long as he is able to set me as a priority it would work out, but that would be what he struggles with so it would be a thing we would have to talk about. But I also feel that once you say something about it he would check in with you because of course he has to be the best bf/husband. I feel like I could talk for hours about him so Ill just wrap it up by saying that I love me a passionate man who would probs be a lil possessive, and I would use that to my advantage. 

Denki - GOD YES

I really do think that denki and I are soulmates. we are both the perfect blend of funny, pervy, while still being soft. I feel like there would be a lot of mutual pining at first but he would end up the golden retriever gamer boy to my alt bisexual and thats just the perfect pairing. We would pull so much shit and then get away with it because thats just us being us. I see us being scolded by bakugou a lot for the stupid shit we would pull. Also late night drives in his shitty tuned car to taco bell while we sing alt rock songs from the 2010s. also the switch vibes are immaculate.

 Hawks - Probably

So it would honestly depend a lot on what version of hawks.. him in the hero commission is a no, because he wouldnt be able to be honest with me about a lot of stuff. Like his name, or when i can see him again, and that would give me too much anxiety. When hes free of them and is actually allowed to be himself I think it could work then. I know that he of course wants to still be the best hero, so he would have the same problems as bakugou with finding a balance, but if he wants to i think he could. He would also have a lot of trauma from his relationship with his parents and the commission so I dont know if he would be able to give his love away as freely as he wants so we could get therapy together. I love that for us. But i would happily wake up next to this beautiful birb man if he would have me.  

Sukuna - A hesitant yes

so.. the anger issues that ive mentioned before.. yes. I would like sukuna. I would be his lil bride and sit on his lap on his throne as long as he didnt kill my loved ones or my cats lmao. I would also be ok with being his and itadoris gf while hes living in itadoris head. being with him is just asking for an unhappy ending tho, whether its a life always on the run, or someones trying to kill me, or someones trying to kill him, or hes trying to kill someone. But yes i would like to be with him but that would mean sacrificing a lot. 

Mei Mei - god yessssss..

Please Mei Mei step on me and make me ur lil house wife. I see us living in a pent house apartment with the most breathtaking view of the Tokyo skyline. I would want for nothing and she could take me where ever she wanted and i would just follow her around with heart eyes.

 Kagami - YES

my basketball husband! i love him and would love to be loved by him. Id follow him wherever. He would take care of me and is just so dreamy.. also i guess the mild anger issues.. but hes really not that bad. He would just be such a good s/o. He would cook us nice dinners, wed have a few cats, and he would carry me around a lot because hes so strong. While were on the topic of strong... his stamina... everyone on this list probably has good if not great stamina... but kagami just hits different..... have you seen him in the zone? have you seen his thighs? his sex zone has got to be incredible. 

 Levi - Yes

I was going to say it depends, but really it doesn't... if were in the aot universe and hes my captain and I fall in love with him u can bet ur ass im gonna try and get with him because i could die at anytime. if its some au where he is here in our universe and somehow we meet... like of course im gonna be in love with him. our height difference isnt too bad, im only like an inch or 2 taller than him. I think we would both have a great time together. I would make him laugh, and he would help me clean, because lord knows I hate cleaning. BUT i hate cleaning because its something that I always have to do alone, and I feel like levi would have us be cleaning together like he makes the scouts do. and hes just so sexy... 

Jean - big yes

This beautiful handsome man... idk what to even say about him. Hes strong, funny, handsome, cocky, but very much full of love. would love to run away from the world with him. I feel like if he was in love with me before *tries not to give away spoilers* the marco incident (?) that after he would become very clingy and attached and im ok with that. There would have to be lots of cuddles and reassurances and i just want to see him happy and not at war, with both real life people and himself... id give him the best kisses and he would become addicted to them. 

Mikoto - No? But maybe...

I feel like we could be.. but if you watched the show then you know.. But i would love to be Homra’s princess TBH. No one would mess with me or they would have to face the wrath of my big fire boyfriend and his whole ass gang. But on the other hand I feel like Mikoto wouldnt allow himself to fall in love, so it would probably be a hush hush topic. everyone knows the boss and I are in an entanglement, but they cant talk about it. Then Anna starts asking questions to Mikoto and he has to come clean to her, which would be so cute. He tells her is a secret but she doesn't care lmao. in conclusion, I would want to, but I dont think he would let me.... Maybe friends with benefits tho....

............................................................................................

ok if you read all this im officially in love with you. Please take my heart. 

This took me like 2 hours to do because I love thinking about it so much. if you have any thoughts about any of this hop into my dms or comment on this because id love to hear them (especially if you think i belong with one more than the others lmao). 

[letterboxd]

The Package.

As the bonkers genre thrill-ride Shadow in the Cloud blasts into the new year, writer and director Roseanne Liang unpacks her love of Terminator 2, watching Chloë Grace Moretz’s face for hours, and the life lesson she learned from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Cheng Pei-Pei.

Roseanne Liang’s TIFF Midnight Madness winner Shadow in the Cloud landed with a blast of fresh genre energy on VOD platforms on New Year’s Day. It’s A-class action in a B-grade body, cramming plenty into its taut 83 minutes, including: a top-secret package, a freakish gremlin, a hostile bunch of Air Force dudes, outrageous stunts, dogfights and a fake wartime PSA that feels remarkably real.

Throughout, the camera is focused mostly on one face—Chloë Grace Moretz’s, playing British flight officer Maude Garrett—as she tackles all of the above from a claustrophobic ball turret hanging under a B-17 Flying Fortress, on a classified mission over the Pacific Ocean during World War II.

While the film’s tonal swings are confusing to some, schlock enthusiasts and genre lovers on Letterboxd have embraced the film’s intentionally outlandish sensibility, which “makes excellent use of its genre mash to create an unpredictable, guilty pleasure,” says Mirza. Fajar writes that “it felt like the people involved in this project knew how ridiculous it is and gave a hundred and ten percent to make it work. Someday, it will become a cult classic.” Mawbey agrees: “It really goes off the rails in all the best ways during the final third, and the last couple of shots are just perfect.”

Chloë Grace Moretz and her top-secret package in ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

To most of the world, Liang is a so-called “emerging” director, when in fact, the mother-of-two, born in New Zealand to Chinese parents, has been at this game for the past two decades. She has helmed a documentary and a romantic drama, both based on her own marriage; a 2008 short called Take 3, which preceded Hollywood’s current conversation about representation and harassment; and Do No Harm, the splatter-tastic 2017 short in which her technical chops and fluid feel for action were on full display, and, as recorded in multiple Letterboxd reviews, established her as one to watch.

Do No Harm scored Liang valuable Hollywood representation, whereupon producer Brian Kavanaugh-Jones brought Shadow in the Cloud to her, thinking she might connect with the material. “It did connect with me on a level that is very personal,” Liang tells me. “As a woman of color, as a mother who juggles a lot.” She says Kavanaugh-Jones then went through the process of removing original writer Max Landis from the project. “He felt that Max was not a good fit for this project, or for how we like to run things. We like to be respectful and courteous and kind to each other…”

In several interviews, Liang has said she’s comfortable with film lovers choosing not to watch Shadow in the Cloud based on Landis’s early involvement. What she’s not comfortable with is her own contribution—and that of her cast and crew—being erased. While WGA rules have his name attached firmly to the project, the credit belies the reality: his thin script, reportedly stretched out to 70 pages by using a larger-than-usual font, was expanded and deepened by Liang and her collaborators.

Writer-director Roseanne Liang. / Photo by Dean O’Gorman

That team includes editor Tom Eagles, Oscar nominated for Jojo Rabbit, actor Nick Robinson (the titular Simon in Love, Simon) and Beulah Koale, a star of the Hawaii Five-Oh series. The opening newsreel was created by award-winning New Zealand animation studio Mukpuddy, after a small test audience got weirded out by the sight of a gremlin in a war film, despite well-documented WWI and WWII gremlin mythology. It’s an unnecessary but happy addition. The cartoon style was inspired by Private Snafu, a series of WWII educational cartoons scripted by none other than Dr. Seuss and directed by Looney Tunes legend Chuck Jones.

But the film ultimately hangs on Chloë Grace Moretz, who overcame cabin fever to drive home an adrenaline rush of screen craft, in which the very limits of what’s humanly possible in mid-air are tested (in ways, it must be said, that wouldn’t be questioned if it were Tom Cruise in the role). Liang would often send directions to Moretz’s ball turret via text, while her cast members delivered live dialogue from an off-set shipping container rigged with microphones. “I just never got sick of Chloë’s face and I’ve watched her hundreds, if not thousands of times. You feel her, you are her, she just engages you in a way that a huge fighting scene might not, if it’s not designed well. Giant empty spectacle is less interesting than one person in one spot, sometimes.”

Ambitious and nerdy about film in equal measure, it’s clear there’s much more to come from Liang, and I’m interested in what her most valuable lesson has been so far. Turns out, it’s a great story involving Chinese veteran Cheng Pei-Pei (Come Drink With Me’s Golden Swallow, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Jade Fox), whose film training includes a tradition of remaining on set throughout filming.

Roseanne Liang on the set of ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

That meant that, during filming of Liang’s My Wedding and Other Secrets, Cheng would stay on set when she wasn’t required. “In New Zealand, trailers are a luxury,” Liang explains. “I said ‘Don’t you want to go to the trailer that we arranged for you?’ ‘No, I just want to sit and watch.’ ‘Why do you want to watch it, you’ve seen it hundreds of times!’ And she said ‘I learn something new every time’. To Pei-Pei, the secret of life is constant education and curiosity and learning. Movies are her work and her craft and her life, and she never gets bored. If I can be like her, that’s the life, right?”

Speaking of which, it’s time we put Liang through our Life in Film interrogation.

What’s the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Terminator 2: Judgment Day is the movie that is at the top of the mountain that I’m climbing. To me it’s the perfect blend of spectacle, action design, smarts and heart. It poses the theory that if a robot can learn the value of humanity then maybe there’s hope for the ships that are us. That’s perennial, and possibly even more pertinent today. It holds a very special place in my heart, along with Aliens, Mad Max: Fury Road, Die Hard, La Femme Nikita and Léon: The Professional.

What’s your earliest memory of watching a film? I have a cassette tape that my dad made for my grandma in 1981 (he’d send tapes back to his mother in Hong Kong). I was three years old and he had just taken us to see The Empire Strikes Back in the cinema. And he can’t talk to my grandma because I’m just going on and on about R2-D2. I will not shut up about R2-D2 and he’s like, “Yes, yes I’m trying to talk to your grandmother,” and I’m like, “But Dad! Dad! R2-D2!” So it’s actually an archive, but it’s become my memory.

What’s the most romantic film you’ve ever seen? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s not the sexiest, but it’s the most romantic. That last scene, those last words where she goes “But you’re gonna be like this forever and I’m gonna be like this forever…” and he just goes “okay”. That to me is one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen. It is a perfect movie.

And the scariest? If it’s a horror movie, the most scared I’ve been is The Ring. I was watching it on a VHS and I was lying on a beanbag on the floor and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move, because I felt that if I moved she’d see me! Also, American Psycho just came to me this year. I caught the twentieth anniversary of that movie, which is a terrifying film, and again, possibly more relevant now than when it was made. The scariest film that’s not a horror is Joker. It scared me how much I liked it. When I came out of the movie, I was like, “I’m scared because I kind of love it, but it’s horrible. It’s so irresponsible. I don’t wanna like this movie but goddamn, I feel it.” Like, I wanted to go on the streets and rage. In a way we’re all the Joker, we’re all the Batman. That duality, that yin and yang, is inside everyone of us. It’s universal.

What is the film that slays you every time, leaving you in a heap of tears? This is a classic one, the opening sequence of Up. The first ten minutes of Up just destroy me every time. I also saw Soul a couple of days ago and I was with the whole family and I, just, if I wasn’t with the whole family I would have been ugly-sobbing. I had a real ache in my throat after the movie because I was trying to stop [myself] from sobbing.

Tell me your favorite coming-of-age film, the film that first gave you ‘teenage feelings’? Pump Up the Volume. Christian Slater! Off the back of Pump Up the Volume, I fancied myself as a prophet and wrote a theater piece called Lemmings. Obviously the main character was a person who could see through the façade, and everyone else was following norms. “No one understands me, I’m a prophet!” So clearly I have this shitty, Joker-style megalomaniac inside of me. It was the worst play, and I don’t know why my teachers agreed for us to do a staging of it!

Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis in ‘Pump Up the Volume’ (1990).

Is there a film that you and your family love to rewatch? We’ve tried to impose our taste on our children, but they’re too young. We showed them The Princess Bride—they didn’t get it. We literally showed our babies Star Wars in their cribs. That’s how obsessive Star Wars fans we were.

Name a director and/or writer that you deeply admire for their use of the artform. I have a slightly weird answer for this. Can I just give love to Every Frame a Painting by Tony Zhou and Taylor Ramos? They are my film school. I was thinking of my love of Edgar Wright, but then I thought of their video essay on Edgar Wright and how to film comedy, and his essay on Jackie Chan and the rhythm of action and then their essay on the Coen Brothers and Shot Reverse Shot. I must have watched that 30 times ahead of the TV show that I’m making now. I started out in editorial and Tony Zhou is an editor and he talks about when to make the cut: it’s an instinct, it’s a feeling, it’s a rhythm. I realized the one thing in common that I could mention about all the films I’ve loved is Every Frame a Painting. It’s their love of movies that comes bubbling out of every single essay that they made that I just wanna shout out at this part of my career.

Were there any crucial films that you turned to in your development for Shadow in the Cloud? Indiana Jones was something that Chloë brought up—she likes the spiffiness and the humor of Indiana Jones. Sarah Connor was our touchstone for the female character. For one-person-in-one-space type stories, I watched Locke quite a lot, to figure out how they shaped tension and story and [kept] us on the edge of our seats when it’s only one person in one space. In terms of superheroes, I came back to Aliens. Not Alien. Aliens. You know, there are two types of people in this world—people who prefer Alien over Aliens, and people who prefer Aliens over Alien. But actually I think I vacillate for different reasons.

Can there be a third type of person, who thinks they’re both great, but Alien³, just, no? Maybe that’s the best group to be in. We don’t need to fight about this, we can love both of them! I was having an argument with James Wan’s company about this, because there’s a rift inside the company of people who prefer Alien over Aliens.

Okay, program a triple feature with your film as one of the three. I don’t know. Ask Ant Timpson!

I’ll ask Ant Timpson. [We did, and he replied: “Well, one has to be the Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. And then either Life (2017) or Altitude (2010).”]

Thank you Ant! I used to go to his all-nighters as a university student. He is the king of programming things.

Jake Gyllenhaal in ‘Life’ (2017).

It’s strange that we never met at one of his events! Ant would make me dress up in strange outfits and do weird skits between films. (For those who don’t know, Timpson ran the Incredibly Strange Film Festival for many years—now part of the New Zealand International Film Festival—and still runs an annual 24-Hour Movie Marathon.) So what’s a film from those events that sticks in your head as the perfect genre experience with a crowd? It was a movie about a man protecting a woman who was the girlfriend of a mafia boss: A Bittersweet Life. Not only does it have one of the sexiest Korean actors, sorry, not to objectify, but also I actually screenshot a lot of that film for pitch documents. And, do you remember a crazy Japanese movie where someone’s sitting on the floor with a clear umbrella and a woman is lactating milk? Visitor Q by Takashi Miike. I remember just how fucking crazy that was.

Finally, what was the best film you saw in 2020? I haven’t seen Nomadland yet, so keep in mind that I haven’t seen all the films this year. I have three: The Invisible Man, which I thought was just amazing. I thought [writer-director] Leigh Whannell did such a great job. The Half of It by Alice Wu, a quiet movie that I simply just adored. And then the last movie I saw at the cinema was Promising Young Woman. The hype is real.

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‘Shadow in the Cloud’ is available in select theaters and on video on demand now.

[occultcuriosity]

* getting  to  know  the  mun :

name :  Sam nickname :  Herb or Jerky usually but that’s typically because people only know my account name. I don’t have any ‘pet names’. faceclaim :  If I ever try to draw myself in a dumb silly style, that’ll probably be it. pronouns : He/Him height :  6′3 birthday : August 10 aesthetic :  Don’t know about a ‘personal aesthetic’, but I sure do love motifs and music aesthetic. Dark Sci-Fi is one of my favourite styles. last  song  you  listened  to : Project Zomboid - "34″ favorite  muse (s)  you’ve  written : To enjoy writing, it’s probably Klauvis when he’s gone full Science. As for muse I’m more attached to, it would be Sirus. My special arson boy.

* getting  to  know  the  account :

what  inspired  you  to  take  on  this  muse :  I started RPing when I was 11, playing Garry’s Mod HL2RP. I wasn’t very good at it, but we’re all a bit shit in our own special ways. I’ve been doing creative writing ever since, and I’m planning on taking up a specialization in script writing when I go to University next year for a Games Design course.

I have a few muses, so I’ll list what inspired me for each.

David @collectivecasualty: David was literally spawned from a random visual concept I had in my head a long time ago when starting a thread with someone. I was too nervous to devote myself to making a full RP blog and was still an awkward little shit, so I had this weird way of RPing with people via submissions and I’m glad they put up with me, or I probably wouldn’t be RPing properly nowadays. David was basically just a vague concept for a ghost, and I literally thought up the hivemind part midway through writing a reply. He’s basically evolved from there via muse interactions once I actually made a blog. He is the definition of winging it, because I had absolutely no plans for him.

Danny @goldheartedrobotics (yes he’s still there): Danny is basically my childhood muse. I came up with him well before David when I was about 14, and WAY too into FNAF. I’m aware he’s not incredibly original - he was much less so back when I first made him. But me meant too much to me for me to scrap him once I grew out of FNAF, so I decided to try and remake him. He’s still not a perfect character and has a lot of that FNAF fan OC left in him (especially his design), but he’s still my little boy and he’s made me happy in times when very little else did.

Klauvis: Klauvis comes from an old idea for a webcomic me and a friend had. It’s about an Underworld that’s basically one giant city which is a corporatocracy, and four corporations own everything. We still develop and talk about it to this day, but Klauvis is the epicentre of the whole thing. He was originally a fusion of David and one of my friend’s characters (hence the design similarities), but we got so attached to him as a separate character that we created Klauvis, and the universe developed from there. He’s technically co-owned, as is that whole universe, but my friend doesn’t use Tumblr anymore so I just RP him on here.

Sirus @antagonistic-arsonist: Sirus basically took over my brain about a year ago. I used to DM these very hodge-podge D&D games on Roll20, and I had no idea what I was doing but I loved creating all these characters and lore and stories. Sirus is a pretty central character in the main D&D universe I have, and I basically made him one day and got extremely attached. Now, he’s almost all I draw and the only character I really have consistent motivation for. I’m not complaining though, I love him.

what  are  your  favorite  aspects  of  your  current  muse :I For ‘current muse’, I’ll answer for two because there’s both Klauvis who I reblogged this to, and Sirus who I would more consider my ‘current muse’.

Klauvis: I love how silly he is. I love writing his unique blend of ‘illogically logical’ and all the dumb stuff he does, but also how there is that underlying actually emotional aspect to him that I’m so glad I got to actually express (thank you @littlexbluexflame). Even though I may not have all the motivation for it, I can’t lie that Klauvis is my favourite muse to write.

Sirus @antagonistic-arsonist: Plain and simple, I like writing asshole characters. I love writing snark. I love roasting people. Sirus is a canvas for me to project my edge, but there is (similarly to Klauvis) a whole underlying element to Sirus in his being possessed and having his personality effectively muffled and directed by the entity inside him. I know he’s VERY edgy, and I do try to play it off as fake edge where he’s just taking himself way too seriously, but I flat out think Sirus is just cool.

what’s  your  biggest  inspiration  when  it  comes  to  writing : Hard to say right now seeing as my inspiration has kinda fallen into a big hole, but one of my biggest inspirations and joys of RPing is seeing how other characters might react to certain things, and the stories that certain scenarios or reactions might create. Obviously it’s not all about getting reactions, I am genuinely here to create fun interactions with characters, but I gotta admit I’m a DM/Games Designer at heart, I thrive on seeing what people think of my stuff, and I get a lot more joy out of reading a reply than writing one.

favorite  types  of  threads : While I don’t typically go for the big emotional, dramatic threads, I certainly still enjoy them. Personally though, I feel I’m a lot simpler in that I love writing cool sitations or scenarios. Obviously the character depths compliment that and I have no problem with two characters simply talking it out, but if I was forced to choose, I would pick an action-y, exciting thread over a slow, emotional one.

biggest  struggle  in  regards  to  your  current  muse : Same as before, gonna split it in two for the definition of ‘current muse’.

Klauvis: While I love writing all his aggressive curiosity and silly science stuff, that’s in part why I sometimes struggle with him, or thinking of plot ideas for him. He’s very singularly minded a lot of the time, and while I can certainly think of a thousand different things he could be doing, sometimes it’s hard to work those in with other characters, and in the event a character is notably ‘unique’, it’s hard to honestly justify Klauvis not just attempting to kidnap and aggressively Do Science on them out of his overwhelming curiosity. He’s obsessed with his scientific pursuits to the point it’s hard to get him to do other stuff realistically.

Sirus @antagonistic-arsonist: Sirus is an asshole. It’s literally in his blog name. He is molded to be hostile to almost anyone and everyone, and while that might open up a lot of room for snarky remarks, witty comebacks and general dickery, it also makes getting him to interact with anyone a pain because he is designed to be unlikeable in many aspects. If someone was able to actually befriend Sirus, that would probably be my FAVOURITE thread ever because it would allow me to do all the cool stuff I love doing with Sirus without the weight of him having to be so hostile to everyone. I want someone to break the mold of hostility with him and actually become the closest thing to friends someone can with him, because I think it could make for a really interesting relationship.

tagged by: @littlexbluexflame​​

tagging: Y’all (jus do it)

[kchatjjigae]

Another big day in Kdramaland! We’re counting down the last hours of Leila’s stay in Korea with a march through the city. We get all classy and cultural with tours of a few palaces, one we meant to and one on accident, get our Coffee Prince on while we chase away some hanger, then activate our idol hunting skills as we cross the river back into Gangnam on a hunt for JYP. The offices, not the man. All this before we hit the critical point of our day: Korean Pizza. 

So, so, so many pictures ahead. 

Unlike the leaving of Alix, we knew right from the start of planning the trip that Leila wasn’t going to be with us the entire time the three of us planned on staying. Leila knows precisely at what length journeys stop being fun for her and plans accordingly. It was part of the reason we chose to hit Busan first over Seoul as it would be easier for her to get back to her plane. I’m not certain I’m the person who can leave when I know that other people are still there, having fun without me, but I do admire her for her strength to say “Naw, Bishes, I’m done.” Especially now knowing that she was doing these last few days on a sprained toe. 

As I mentioned in the last post, this day was going to be a Leila and I date, where we toured the palaces, possibly the Hannok Village, and any other old thing we wanted to see that SaraG and Alix had already seen before. It’s not that they don’t appreciate them, but as they’d seen them before, they thought they’d fill their time with new experiences instead. We were all, you do you boos, we’re gonna get our saeguk on. 

Now with the change in our numbers, SaraG has decided to join us! 

With a quick consult to the Naver Maps, we head back towards the palaces, thankfully, at the palaces subway stop. Throughout the station, as we headed above ground, I saw adverts for their palaces museum, which said it had some of the clothing and regalia in residence. Unfortunately, I didn’t make it there, and it’s probably one of my biggest niggling regrets. I’m sure if I’d just said, hey, I really want to go here, the ladies would have been fine with it, but at the time it didn’t seem important enough to make a fuss. That’s okay, it will give me something to go to next time! 

You know, when I go visit the whole giant palace WE ACCIDENTALLY MISSED. 

So we popped above ground and SaraG decided she wanted to hit up the coffee shop next to the palaces where she’d catch up on life now that she has a phone back and wait for us to do our thing.

As we approached Gyeongbokgung Palace, the main royal palace during the Joseon Dynasty, built 1395, the sun was bright and warmer than when we’d been there previously. So the hanboks were aplenty. Here I should probably mention, surrounding these historical areas are hanbok rental shops, where you go in and get dressed in period clothing, rented by the hour.  If you do, not only do you have a fantastic experience, but your entry to the inner palace is free. As we wandered the grounds, this totally makes sense! Watching the people walk around in hanboks really adds to the atmosphere, helps you picture what it would have been like during the Joseon dynasty. Just with less slavery and more selfies.

There was a hot minute where Leila and I had talked about doing this, but as things had changed in the dynamic and, frankly, I wasn’t up for another ahjumma belly pat-down, we decided to pass. Maybe next time. 

On our way in, we spotted a photoshoot going down to what we imagined is an up and coming girl group. You could tell between shots they were freezing in their outfits, their puffy coats tossed to the side, but they took it like troopers. I wonder how those shots turned out.

The outer courtyard was just as beautiful as before, but this time it was even more exciting as we got to go in! Well, after we purchased our very cheap tickets. I did have a moment of GAH when at the self-automated booth, my credit card was declined. There is nothing quite like that moment of panic when that happens. 

Side note. When you’re in Korea, or, I guess, anyplace overseas, use your credit card, not your bank card. I actually went into my bank to talk about this with them about how best to pay for things. I ordered some won beforehand but had planned on just using my bank card while I was there. My bank said that there are actually more fees attached if you do it that way, however, there are no extra fees if you use your credit card. So that’s what I did. I just got cash a couple of times using my bank card, but primarily used the card, just transferring my savings right over to it once I got home.

We ended up having to go through the person manned line where, after hesitatingly giving my card over with crossed fingers, I had no problems getting our tickets.

As it was early, the place wasn’t hugely packed, so we wandered around the buildings on our own, deciding to forgo a guided tour. BIG MISTAKE! Oh sure, we got along fine, had no troubles, but when we saw the cute little school-aged tour guides working on their English skills to other tourists? We were beyond jealous! (We also missed Steve.)

How epic is this?

You’d think by now the experience would be old. The same architecture, the same colors, the same carvings that we’d seen in Busan. But, there’s just something being around all that history, something that has survived, in one form or another, for all these years that’s just fascinating to me. You picture all the things that went on. How was this even created? Built? How did they choose these colors? The toppers at the corners of buildings I couldn’t’ stop looking at.

I also couldn’t stop talking in the formal saeguk accent, which I’m sure was annoying, but I couldn’t stop. 

Check out this throne.

Now picture your favorite Kdrama saeguk hero perched upon it. Do you have a favorite? Share, please! 

Not sure what this is, but it has flowers and faces on the knees. Who does that? It had to be something important. Unless it was just some arts and craft gift to some king of old and he stuck it there because his niece painted it and he’s a good uncle who simply made up some vital reasoning for it to be there. Who’s going to argue? He’s a king!

See how much fun I am to travel with? That’s the sort of brilliance I come up with.

We wandered the endless maze of rooms, of separate buildings, trying to make sure we got through everything we wanted to see. Seriously though? I could probably spend hours there just going through every nook and cranny. Taking each tour, finding out precisely what that thing with the face knees was. 

Seriously, look at this ceiling!

Watching the young girls work industriously on their selfies, again I was reminded that a good selfie is hard work. You want to be all judgy, but they were having so much fun trying different, unique poses, giggling with their friends, all dressed up prettily in hanboks, and it just looked like fun. Plus, they are going to have some great photos later!

And the girls weren’t the only ones in on the game.

As I was saying in the previous post, the fact that this exists in the middle of ultra technologically advanced Seoul is pretty amazing. Seeing all of this history while on the edges you see high rises and electronic billboards, is the perfect blend of the past and the future. Which, in a nutshell, is the ideal description of South Korea itself.

Some areas were busier than others, a few school trips, but everyone was friendly and pretty respectful.

There was another lake in the middle of the grounds.

We were working our way towards a large pagoda in the background as we didn’t really have a map to go along. It’s like when I lived in New York City — just keep the Empire State Building in sight, and you’ll always know where you are. We tried to get to the pagoda but couldn’t seem to find our way, eventually giving up and turning back instead checking out the lake as it was on our way back and people were getting hungry. 

As hanger is a very real thing, we decided to be along our way, to meet up with SaraG, but not before a quick stop off at the bathroom (yes, I have now peed in every single royal palace. Its a thing.) and the gift shop, before heading back to the front. 

But not before one more selfie and one more…weird experience.

We stood in front of my camera… side note: Fun Stephanie Fact of the post? I have very long arms. While it’s a bitch to make sure shirts fit, on the upside? I’m brilliant with group selfies. It’s where I really carry my weight on trips, also why you see my smiling mug front and center on every group shot. I’m not an attention whore, just monkey-like.

So we’re standing there with my camera, and this guy comes up to us and asks if we’d like him to take our picture. Delighted, we said yes and handed him my phone. Posing, we smile in front of the first building where he begins to take photo after photo, crouching into the ground, bending himself in half, moving the camera around, like we’re shooting some sort of album cover. We’re just standing there, smiling, feeling more and more hilariously awkward as he slowly inches forward to us. Should we be moving? Should we be practicing our posing? Are we now disappointing Tyra Banks with our lack of Smizing? Is this guy going to steal my phone?

Finally, he hands me back my phone and with a smile and a bow, simply walks away as we shout thank yous out to him. 

What a weird-fun experience.  

From there, we met up with SaraG, and we decided to wander the neighborhood looking for food and the Changdeokgung Palace, which is known for being the one with the Secret Garden. However, finding food wasn’t as easy as we anticipated and we walked and walked, circling the edges of Gyeongbokgung. We were turning into a more residentially neighborhood and were despairing we’d never find food. Then we found a cute little coffee shop on the corner of an intersection, said good enough and tramped in. There was, in fact, bistro-style food, so we sat there, basking in the sunlight, recharging those batteries, taking a moment just to hang and chat. It was lovely.

Side note. Sitting at a ShareTea drinking bubble tea writing this. It’s post-move, I’m exhausted from a solid week of non-stop, my house is in disarray, so while this post will be late, it’s for a good reason and taking the time to write it is actually giving me a much-needed rest. What makes me think of this is my previous statement: It was lovely, which comes straight from what I hear from the song playing over the shops loudspeakers. 

But now back to it because it really is driving me crazy my house is such a mess. 

Where were we? Ah, a random neighborhood in Seoul. Batteries charged enough to move, we got to our feet and continued onto where we thought the second palace was. Spoiler alert? It was not where we thought it was. We may have done a little shopping in some boutiques as we passed, nothing serious, just some meandering. Looking up, we realized we were right outside the Hannok village, which was straight uphill, up a butt-ton of stairs. Leila noped it and while I was initially disappointed, it was pointed out we had actually been there a few days ago when Alix marched us through on the Kpop shop lookout. We consulted Naver maps again and realized we’d actually walked out of the palace in completely the wrong direction. Feet being what they were, we couldn’t face walking all the way back and then onto the palace. Luckily we were right by a bus stop which appeared to be able to take us right to where we wanted to go and was even more luckily enough to be placed right next to a Churro shop.

Churro in hand, or, more realistically, churro in mouth, we boarded the bus on our way to the next palace.

We passed Gyeongbokgung, which, great news, meant we were at least headed in the correct direction, we passed Gwanghwamun Plaza with its giant statues of Sejong and Admiral Yi Sun-sin . I looked longingly out the window at them. I hadn’t realized we were so close! Visions of Faith popped into my mind, and I itched to explore. Naver announced our stop was upon us, and we piled out of the bus, realizing, uhoh, we should have probably recognized that there were more palaces in the area than just the main two and I probably should have been more specific when I looked at it in the map.

Whatevs. It was a palace, and we were there! So we paid the fee and piled in. It was fun to explore with the three of us. Deoksugung palace was actually a later palace, used for ceremonies and visits of state when the actual people lived in a more modern building. It was interesting to see the two together. New meets old. We continued our long-held tradition of going to the bathroom on royal grounds before we heard it, the drums in the distance. Turns out we were at the wrong palace at the right time, the ceremonial changing of the guards. We watched the procession march by us, the bright colors of their regalia, the bouncing feathers of their hats. 

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Changing of the guard at the Deoksugung palace. From old to new, now headed to Gangnam. #deoksugung #palace #guard #travel #seoul #southkorea

A post shared by Stephanie (@kchatjjigae) on Mar 16, 2019 at 10:27pm PDT

We headed back towards the front gates, following them along, where they waited for the actual ceremony to begin. It was fun to see these people, not at attention, just hanging out, bored. A reminder they are real people, not fixtures of the past.

Once we had our fill of palaces for the day, it was time to begin the real task, heading over the river to try and hunt ourselves down some idols, it was time to go visit the JYP offices. After a wrong start, or a wrong stop, hopping off a stop too soon, we were ready for it, prepared to see the legendary building where the likes of 2PM, Got7, Stray Kids came from. Though not yet. Turns out, he’s cleverly not anywhere near the subway stop, so we hoofed it there, stopping for more, much-needed caffeine. On the way there we passed the location of the Seoul Olympic Games which we saw the empty buildings from our position on the street. Sure, we didn’t actually go to them, but we saw the buildings, so I get to count that on the list of places I’ve been on this trip. 

Don’t agree? Go ahead, fight me. 

Finally, we were there! 

It’s an office. Dude. Get yourself a gift shop. Something. Other fans were milling about. We’d buy stuff. Mr. and Mrs. McFeeley are huge Stray Kids fans, I would have gotten something for them, and the ladies would have encouraged me, despite my DON’T LET ME BUY ANYTHING MORE. But I’d simply be able to get around that by saying, “I said I wasn’t allowed to buy anything else for RYAN. This would be for Sean. Totally different person”. But, since they didn’t have a gift shop, the point was moot. Across the street was a coffee shop, and you could see, the way people were positioned, a lot of them were just waiting for someone to come in or out so they could take a photo, be it for dispatch or just a fan site. Not wanting to be one of those people, we simply circled the block, and when we passed a snazzily dressed and perfectly coifed man, we crafted stories about who he was and what he did for the company.

Good times. 

Realizing we weren’t going to get to have the idol meet-cute we’d desperately dreamed of, we decided it was time to move on, back across the river. 

Oh! I think it was here, but if not, it’s the perfect time to talk about it. Remember the whole thing that was happening while we were there, with Seungri and his band of ugh? All about secret cams and chats and douchebaggery? Well, it’s no lie to say that this is rampant across the country. Did you hear about the member of staff who put a camera in one of the girl’s rooms on a variety show? Or there was a sting that happened at a hotel where people were recording women? It happens all of the time. While we were on the subway, we were separated, which happened when we wanted to snag an actual seat. This particular time, it was Leila and me on one side and SaraG on the other. Next to her was a man on his phone, who we joked looked just like a police detective from a drama. See? I just had to say that, and you know EXACTLY what he looked like. Turns out? 

Not so police-y. 

We got off the train, laughingly told SaraG our ideas, and she was like, “Ummmmm…yeah, he was watching pervy hidden video footage.” Apparently, there are Instagrams out there dedicated to this shit, and this guy is just, sitting on the subway, casual as can be, watching it. Ew. 

Shaking it off, we decided first on our list was to cross something off Miss Leila’s list, stopping off at the mall by our subway station and picking her up a foundation she’d seen online, but had yet to see it anywhere in Seoul except for this mall. And I was on a mission too! Find the Flying Tiger, a Copenhagen store, take a picture and show it to my friend Thea who is a big fan of their New York store. It was a huge shocker to see that they were in Korea!

We wandered around the food court, looking for something to eat, but it was pricy and not what we were looking for  (we’ve been spoiled eating beautiful and delicious food for under 10000 won.). Despite how tired we were, we decided we wanted to skip the food court, instead planned to hit Hongdae in order to find something better. Added plus? This would get Leila her last night in Hongdae with some buskers. Where did we end up? Korean Pizza! After seeing some Eat Your Kimchi posts on the weirdness that could be Korean Pizza back in the day, I’ve always wanted to try it. There was a Mr. Pizza in LA that every time I went to KCon I’d say, this was the time I was going to go there, but as one of our group was a vegan, it always managed to be pushed to the side. (We felt bad enough dragging her to Korean BBQ.) In Haeundae, our apartment was right above a Pizza School where we would pass by and look at the poster proclaiming all of their weirdo pizza flavors and planned on hitting up that one, but we just never had the chance. Tonight was the night!

I wish I’d taken pictures of the menu to tell you exactly what we had eaten, but I can tell you, one of them had mashed sweet potatoes, and the other one had galbi. Both were actually pretty yummy. We’d chosen this particular restaurant in the din of all the others as  1) was something we could all get behind with all of the other choices, and 2) was an upper floor establishment, overlooking all of the buskers. Dinner and a show!

As we ate, Leila and I investigated one last thing stop on our phones, the Han river. We knew it was close, had crossed it several times via subway, but had yet to go and find it in person. Had yet to find out which pairing of us were going to officially breakup on its shores as Korean dramas tell us is the norm. It was a must on all of our lists, and we couldn’t believe we hadn’t been there yet. It was a little difficult for us to pinpoint the best place to go to as you couldn’t really put Han River into the map, sure we’d find a shore but what else would we find when we got there? We found a park that seemed promising, but, honestly, at that time of day, after all, we’ve done, and now knowing about Leila’s poor toe, we decided to pass. 

But don’t worry Han River fans. There are still two of us who have days left and hours to fill….

With this, we close out another chapter of our trip. Another day passed. Another person packing up to go home. Which leaves SaraG and I. All by ourselves for three days. Will we make it? Will our friendship survive? Or is it going to be the relationship that crashes by the shores of the Han? Stay tuned to find out! 

    KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY ONE: AIR PLANES, TIME TRAVELS, AND MULTIPLE SARAG(S)

Korean Adventure Day Two: Sadly, No Zombies

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY THREE: THE SOLO JOB

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY FOUR: BY THE POWER OF STEVE!

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY FIVE: STAIRS, AND MEERKATS, AND POLICE…OH MY!

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY SIX: EMERGENCYS, BELLY RUBS, AND TIPSI TEXTS

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY SEVEN: THAT WEIRD SHAPED ARTY BUILDING IN GANGNAM

KOREAN ADVENTURES DAY EIGHT: KPOP TAKES A VACATION

KOREAN ADVENTURES DAY NINE: WE LOVE A MAN WHO LOVES A MARKET

KOREAN ADVENTURE DAY TEN: STEPHANIE DOESN’T DO NAKED

Korean Adventure Day Eleven: Let’s Get Saeguky Another big day in Kdramaland! We're counting down the last hours of Leila's stay in Korea with a march through the city.

[haztory]

Hi! Can you do "okay it was me ... so?" and "actually i just miss you"? Thanks!! You are great!!

Your very confused as to why you are awake.

Your heavy eyelids open despite all protests, revealing your dark room lit only by the moonlight flooding in through the windows and the alarm clock blaring in bright, red numbers “3:41 AM”. There’s silence throughout your apartment, which only further adds to the confusion your sleepy head was deperately trying to processing.

You close your eyes again, ready to just fall asleep again when you hear why you woke up.

There’s an incessant banging on your front door.

You let out a groan and a string of curses, throwing your comforter to the side and grumpily gettting out of bed.

You’re only in your underwear and a thin, black tank top, but you could literally care less.

If someone was going to wake you up at three in the morning, they obviously weren’t expecting you to be your best. But you can never be too sure about people these days.

You open the drawer on the table beside your bed and grab the gun that was sat there, waiting for your use. You press the magazine release button on the side of the gun and check the magazine, making sure it was loaded.

You’re good to fire seven bullets into whoever was trying to demolish your fucking door at three in the fucking morning.

“I’m coming!” you yell at the uninvited guest, trudging your way to the front door and unlocking it, but leaving the chain above you still attached.

You open the door as far as the chain would let you, squinting at the sudden change of lighting from the hallway and blinking repeatedly until the person in front of you can come into focus.

You let out an even louder groan when you realize who it is.

“I really don’t want to do this now,” you tell him, leaning your head against the door frame. He keeps his eyes trained on you, a less than pleased look on his face.

“Open the door.”

You roll your eyes at him, closing the door and undoing the chain before leaving to sit on your couch. He can open the door by himself.

You throw yourself across the couch and grab the throw blanket on the coffe table beside your raggedy couch, placing the gun on the coffee table.You watch him open the door and enter your tiny apartment.

Frank is dressed in his casual apparel of a heavy black jacket with matching cargo pants and construction boots, as if that would disguise his identity. You know, to try and blend into the night or whatever. It literally only makes him stand out like a sore thumb.

He’s got that scowl that seems to be permanently stitched onto his face with globs of dried blood accentuating his grumpy features. He stands like a giant in the middle of your living room, watching you with hollow eyes as you wrap the soft blanket around your half naked body.

You finally settle against the couch and stare at him with an equally hollow look, twitching your eyebrows up, “Wassup?”

He gives you a deadpan look, his body exuding annoyance, “Did you light all of Union Cargo’s things on fire?”

Wow. Straight to the point. But in all honesty, you don’t expect anything else from him.

You shrug your shoulders lazily at him, which only serves to annoy him further, “I know of no such thing.”

Frank rolls his eyes at you and if he rolled them any harder you’re pretty sure they would get stuck in the back of his head. He places his hands on his hips like such a dad that you have to fight the urge to laugh.

Frank runs a hand over his jaw and takes a deep breath, looking over at the front door before looking back at you, as if he’s gathering his strength, “So, you’re telling me that you, a pyrokinetic, did not destroy the cargo of a company that I told you I was targeting, by lighting the whole damn thing on fire?”

You stare at him, blinking slowly as he gave you an expectant look. You’re trying hard to keep your resolve together by keeping your face neutral despite his eyes drilling into yours.

It’s difficult.

“The evidence is stacked up against you.”

Like really difficult.

“Has your name written all over it.”

But you can do it.

You’ve endured torture. You can handle a stare down with Frank Castle.

“I made your job easier.”

Nevermind. Apparently you’re not as strong as you thought you were.

“Jesus Christ, (Y/N).” Frank scoffs, rubbing a hand over his face.

You lean forward on the couch, throwing your hands in the air, “Okay, it was me…so?”

He moves forward, heading to sit beside you on the couch. He gives your blanketed legs a double tap, silently asking you to move. You lift your legs up, allowing him enough room to sit down, before placing your legs on his lap.

He sits down with a sigh, resting his head against the back of the couch and silently decompressing the built up tension in his body. His shoulders drop and his eyes close with his breaths beginning to evenout.

The sight makes you feel good, to know that out of all the places, he can relax in your home. Even if you did just stress him out.

“What’s the problem?” you ask him, unfazed by the occasional squeezes he does to your wrapped foot.

“Crates had some shit I needed. Can’t get it if the whole thing is burned to hell and the place is swarmin’ with cops.” Despite the lack of emotion on his face, his voice conveys his current state of emotions: disappointment, frustration, etc. It makes your stomach sink to realize that you are the cause of such negative emotions.

It’s an awful feeling.

Good thing it’s temporary.

You hum in response to him, nodding your head even though he couldn’t see it.

“Well,” you sigh, “It’s a good thing I got all the files before I burnt the place down.”

Frank’s head shoots up and snaps towards you, his face contorted into one of confusion as he looks at you with wide eyes and a deep wrinkle between his eyebrows. You smile at him, reaching over to the corner table beside your couch and pulling out the drawer, bringing out a so large that it required two hands in order to hold it.

You present it to with a smug look on your face that is completely opposite of his subtly shocked one, “What? Do you really have that little faith in me?”

He glances from the file, then back to your face, silently asking for permission to take it. You nod in response. Frank delicately grabs the large file, as though it were a prized possession and places it on top of your feet that were sitting in his lap.

“I thought it was gonna be fun. Y'know, to act like I was a spy again and try to infiltrate a heavily guarded crate with top-secret information,” you tell him, leaning back against the arm of the couch and sinking down in the seat to make yourself comfortable, “But it was literally the opposite of that.”

A lopsided smile spreads across his face as he turns his head to look at you, “What? Not enough explosions for you?”

“Well that too,” you smile back at him and it’s a genuine smile, the ones that you always have whenever he’s around, “Actually, I just missed you. It’s not as much fun going on late night jobs without your partner.”

Frank gives a small shake of his head, maintaining eye contact with you that felt much more personal than it probably was.

Maybe it was just you.

“No, it’s not.” He tells you, before switching his attention back to the file on his lap (your feet). A comfortable silence invades the room as he focuses all of his attention to scanning the pages upon pages of information stored within the file, while you were much more content to just observe him.

You can see all the twitches and slight breaks in his face from the slight raising of the eyebrows to the widening of his eyes and the licking of his lips. Nothing goes without notice.

It takes a while but he finally reaches the end of the file (although you know that won’t be the last time he looks at it). He’s already shed his large jacket and you are almost on the brink of sleep, with your eyes drooping and your breaths slowing down.

Frank throws the file on the coffee table, the loud slap jolting you awake. You sit up, rubbing your eyes with the palms of your hands before looking at him once again.

He seems much happier, no longer frustrated at the idea of having to do more work. You’ve made his job much easier and the gratitude is apparent when he gives you a slight nod in thanks.

You know that is all you’ll get from him, so you return the sentiment with a nod of your own.

The eye contact is maintained for a few seconds more, a myriad of silent statements being communicated between you two, before you move you feet from his lap and stand from the couch.

“Well,” you stretch your body out, raising your arms above your head and releasing the stiffness from your shoulders, “I’m going back to bed to try and continue the dream that you rudely interrupted.”

Frank huffs out a breath of amusement, watching as you drag the large blanket around your shoulders to your bedroom adjacent to the living room. Once you reach the doorway, you glance over your shoulder to him, your eyes filled with a mischievous glint that he’s come to adore.

“You coming?” you ask him, your voice dropped a couple of octaves that to any normal person would sound ridiculous, but to Frank was so characteristically you that he has to find it sexy, cause you, in general, manage to get his blood pumping with even the slightest of looks.

He pinches his bottom lip between his index and thumb, rubbing it back and forth in a very appetizing way.

(Were you really going to go back to sleep? Who knows? Depends on his answer.)

“Yes ma'am.” His voice is deep and rich as he stands up from the couch, meeting you at the doorway.

(Nope. You’re not going back to sleep.

You are very okay with that.)

a/n: another!!!! i really enjoy writing these prompts for you guys. i should reblog some more .. hope you enjoy this one!

[theoddcatlady]

Youth Potion

> Subject: ‘Husband Is A Cheating B******!!!’

Bella_Gardner I cannot BELIEVE my husband. We have been married for twenty years. That’s right. Twenty years. Twenty years of me keeping our home clean, taking care of our kids, and planning every anniversary date. I never complained. I was happy with our life, with what we had.

Apparently Robert wasn’t. I come home early because the gym was closed and I find him plowing into this twenty year old blonde hussy on our couch! Our couch! We picked that couch out after we got married! And he was fucking someone else on it!

Well I threw her ass outside, barely gave her enough time to get her clothes on before I turned my rage on my husband. He’s sleeping on the couch tonight. He’s lucky he’s not on the curb with her.

When did I stop being enough, ladies? I stepped on the scale last week and I’m up seven pounds. I blame the holiday overeating. We all do it. I’m saggy, I barely have the energy for sex anymore. Not like he’s been interested in it lately, and I think I can guess why. I feel lost.

Deanna_Osborne Reminder that harsh language isn’t acceptable on the forum, but I’ll absolutely let it slide this time. Pour yourself a glass of red wine and get a tub of ice cream, I’d come over if I wasn’t across the country. It’s going to be okay. You never stopped being enough for him, he stopped being enough for you honey. <3

Addie_Miles Time to have a niiiice chat with the lawyers. Listen, Bella, men are superficial pigs. Once you hit forty, they start looking at the ‘new models’. This isn’t something you forgive and forget. It was rough but I had to do it too. He cheated on me so. Many. Times.  Sometimes you just gotta realize once they start, they don’t change. Forget about winning him back. He isn’t worth it.

Bella_Gardner I would, honestly Addie. But I have the kids to think about. The oldest is sixteen, my littlest is eight… I can’t put them through that. You know how badly it screwed me up when my parents divorced? All the fighting, all the moving from house to house, all the pettiness. It was just a giant war and I couldn’t do that to my own kids.

If anyone has a good idea to make me look twenty again, I’ll take it. Anything but plastic surgery. I can’t afford that.

Autumn_Hubbard Lol. When you find that method, tell me. He hasn’t done it yet, but my husband’s getting a little too ‘friendly’ with the neighbor’s nineteen year old daughter. For christ’s sake. She’s young enough to be his kid.

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘Been wanting to shed ten years off? I can make it twenty.’

Gus_Katsoros Hello, ladies. :) My name is Gus. And I’m here to make you the deal of a lifetime.

I might seem like your average high school graduate, but I’m also a young entrepreneur. I’ve come up with several blends of herbs and plants from the home country of my parents’ parents to create several different products with mind blowing possibilities. My products can make you more attractive to the opposite sex, boost your confidence, but today I’m here to tell you about my newest invention- The Fountain of Youth collection.

Plastic surgery ain’t worth it. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to go back to the knife, and then back again, and you’re honestly screwed if it’s botched. Thousands of dollars all down the tube and you’ll look like melted plastic. However, nature has already created the answer. In the form of a cream and drink, I guarantee you in a WEEK you’ll be seeing phenomenal results. You’ll not only look younger either. You’ll feel younger. Your husbands won’t be looking at the other ladies anymore- they’ll be wondering how they’re worthy to kiss the feet of the goddess they live with!

I’m here to offer a free three day trial. That’s all. In those three days you will look, at minimum, five. Years. Younger. A seven day course of the drink and the cream is 35.99, but in those seven days, you will look ten years younger! A fourteen day course will have you looking like a college student again. Send me proof of the Fountain of Youth NOT working and you will get double your money back. That’s right. That’s how confident I am.

Contact me at guskatsoros.ii@gmail.com for more information.

Deanna_Osborne I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how many rules you’re breaking just by being on this forum.

1.       This is a forum for women, particularly middle aged women who are usually married or have children. Transgender women are allowed. Young women seeking out advice from their elders are allowed. Men and boys are not allowed. This is our space. Find your own, it won’t be that hard.

2.       Advertising is forbidden. We do allow you to promote books, an etsy, and other forums in this section, but explicitly selling products is banned.

3.       False advertising, do I even need to go into this here? Offering false promises to make fast cash is low.

You’re lucky I’m on mobile right now, otherwise I’d be freezing this thread and banning you. If I get back to my computer tonight and you haven’t gone though, I’m absolutely going to do that. This is unacceptable.

Autumn_Hubbard What the HECK. Oh man I laughed so hard I think I ripped the sides of my shirt. Who would seriously BUY this garbage?

Constance_Alexander … So the first three days are free?

Gus_Katsoros Absolutely!

Bella_Gardner Constance, no. Don’t even entertain this troll… I think that’s what the internet calls them. He’s just trying to mess with us.

Constance_Alexander My husband left me for a women who’s twenty three. You’re going through the same thing or will soon, don’t tell me you’re not tempted!

Bella_Gardner I’m not crazy and I’m not stupid. No cream or smoothie is going to smooth my wrinkles and take away the body of a woman who’s given birth to four kids.  Nice try Gus.

Gus_Katsoros What do you have to lose by trying though?

Deanna_Osborne Back to my computer and wow, seriously? You’re not gone? Freezing this post, banning your account. Goodbye, and good riddance.

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘So I Bought the Fountain of Youth…’

Constance_Alexander I know, I know I’m crazy. I’m so tired though. I’ve never been sexy my whole life, and I’m not exactly aging like a fine wine. So I contacted that kid through his email and got more details. We exchanged like a dozen messages and well, he seemed sincere in his project. So I’m doing the week long treatment.

I wouldn’t have brought it up if it never arrived, but it did? In really good timing too. I’m a little impressed. The box is nice, the containers for the cream and the drink look really nifty too. I’ll attach images to the end of this post to show them off.

The cream is put on before bed, and you take the drink at morning and night. I’ll be posting about it here. Maybe it’s crazy, but like he said. What do I have to lose?

[IMG ATTACHED]

[IMG ATTACHED]

[IMG ATTACHED]

Bella_Gardner Constance… I got the free trial. I’m sorry for being a bit of a bitch. I really don’t have anything to lose, I’m so tired of wondering what my husband’s up to whenever he goes out, and if he’ll just take off with some whore who likes his stupid cars.

We’ll do it together, ok? Just to see if it affects different skin types.

Deanna_Osborne If only I could record my incredibly loud sigh at this moment. You know what, I won’t tell you to stop, but I will judge you. Especially you Constance. You paid money for some kid’s science experiment or hoax. But hey, do what you want. Its your cash.

Gus_Katsoros1 *It’s ;D

Deanna_Osborne Oh for god’s sake! I banned you already! Just wait until I get back to my computer.

Gus_Katsoros1 I just wanna see the results. :(

Constance_Alexander My first impression isn’t that good Gus, I’m sorry. The cream smells really metallic and its pink tinge makes me look drunk.  It’s making my face tingle quite a bit but at least it doesn’t burn. I don’t know if I can leave it on all night though, it smells awful.

Bella_Gardner The drink’s worse. Oh god, I might hurl. It tastes like a nosebleed. Literally like a nosebleed. I don’t care how old you are, I’m SUING if I get sick.

Gus_Katsoros2 You’ll get a refund if it doesn’t work, Constance, but not much I can do for you Bella. It’s a free sample. :/

Deanna_Osborne How many times do I have to BAN you?

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘Holy Crap.’

Bella_Gardner I take it back. I’m not going to sue you Gus Katsoros.

I’m going to nominate you for the Nobel Prize.

I’m stunned. It really did take five years off! The wrinkles are already smoothing out. I feel more energetic in the morning. I think I’ve even dropped a pound? I’m buying two more weeks of the product, hands. Down. Constance, get another week for yourself, and then go out on the town in a little black dress. If this kid’s promise is half true, you’ll have your husband regretting every moment of his life without you.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Gus_Katsoros5 I made another account to thank YOU, Bella! :D It’s nice to know I’m making someone else’s life better.

Deanna_Osborne … Wait. It worked?

Bella_Gardner See for yourself. ;)

[IMG ATTACHED]

[IMG ATTACHED]

Deanna_Osborne Holy… okay Gus, I’m gonna have to ban you again, I’m sorry, I can’t make exceptions to the male rule, but sign me up for a two week treatment.

Gus_Katsoros6 It’s cool. I’m basically making a new account every time I post anyway.

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘The Fountain of Youth WORKS!!!!’

Constance_Alexander I’m crying. One week done and I really have taken off ten years. Weight, wrinkles, I feel like even my bone structure has changed! Pardon my language Deanna, but my ass looks like one of those Kardashian’s. Shut up and take my money, Gus, that’s what the kids say nowadays right?

I’m going out tonight with a twenty nine year old. He has NO idea I’m so much older than him. He runs his own company and when he sent me a message through that dating profile I made, he said I looked like the Queen of Heaven.

Thank you, Gus! Thank you! Ladies, you HAVE to invest in the Fountain of Youth!

Bella_Gardner I couldn’t agree more. My husband can’t leave me ALONE. He even, get this, brought me to a dinner with his friends and their wives. He’s showing me off like he used to when we were young.

My self-esteem has never been higher!

Unfortunately though Gus, I don’t only have praise for you though. I seem to have developed some skin sensitivity since starting the Fountain of Youth. I thought it was just some leftover pigment from the cream at first, but I’ve gotten a sunburn. Not a serious one, mind you, but I only spent maybe fifteen, thirty minutes outside? Definitely not more than an hour. I think I’ll go off the cream and give the rest to some of my girlfriends at work.

Addie_Miles No, it’s not just you, Bella. I had to do some gardening yesterday and I have a WICKED sunburn.

Deanna_Osborne I think it is definitely the cream. I’ve never had a sunburn in my life, but my skin hurts so badly right now. Only when I go outside though. Other than that, it’s fine. Better go back to the drawing board kid. Come up with something that doesn’t give you sunburns. I’m gonna stop the treatment for now, I already look younger and I don’t feel like making my husband look like a sugar daddy, if you know what I mean.

Gus_Katsoros9 Skin irritation? Damn. I thought it wasn’t going to happen this time.

I’m so, so sorry ladies. If any of you want a refund, I’ll absolutely deliver. I advise definitely stopping the cream if you’re really bothered. Again, I’m really sorry. I guess it’s just back to the drawing board again.

Gus_Katsoros10 Also sorry for the late notice but I’m going out of town. Dunno when I’ll have internet again. I’ll start filling out orders once I’m back, I promise. Hope that all you who ordered got what you wanted, and thanks for your support.

Deanna_Osborne I haven’t even had time to ban accounts eight and nine and you’ve already made ten. It’s fine, I got what I paid for. I haven’t felt this good in ages. Minus the skin pain of course. It’ll go away soon now that I won’t be using the cream anymore.

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘Ummmm?’

Autumn_Hubbard K I’m a little… concerned. After I started getting sunburns like the rest of you I threw the rest of my stuff in the drawer. I already looked thirty when I’m forty one so what’s the point?

The point is I wake up this morning and I look almost exactly like I did when I was twenty five.

I swear to GOD I haven’t even taken the drink. Heck I look better than I did when I was twenty five! I was trying to shed pregnancy weight then. Now my stretch marks are gone and I’m shaped like Marilyn Monroe. The sunburns have only gotten worse too. I’m taking a few sick days from because of how much light HURTS. Five minutes outside and I’m in bed for hours puking into the trashcan and in agonizing pain.

Is this just the stuff working its way out of my system? Because I’m not onboard with this shit at all.

Bella_Gardner No, it’s not just you. Jesus Christ, I ended up pitching it when I honestly thought I’d burst into flames after taking the trash out. It’s probably just the stuff working its way out of your system. I’m absolutely taking a few days off. I love how I look, but Christ. It’s just not WORTH it.

Deanna_Osborne I caught my husband using my leftovers. Apparently I’m not the only one who feels uncomfortable with their appearance, who would’ve thought?

I told him about the side effects but he told me how damn GOOD I look. Like I’m his Venus and he wants to be my Mars. It’s kinda attractive, I’m not gonna lie, but I’m a little concerned for him.

Although he did used to be a football player in his college days…

Addie_Miles You better tell us if it works on your husband.

Also is anyone else becoming an insomniac?

Bella_Gardner YES. Holy shit. All day I’m a couch potato. I can barely get out of bed. When the sun goes down though, it’s like someone gave me a straight shot of caffeine. I’ve been going for jogs in an attempt to burn it off, but it’s not working. I can get all the chores done without all the kids underfoot at least but dear God.

I’m tempted to have my husband use it. I mean he wasn’t ever a real LOOKER but that beer belly isn’t exactly my favorite feature of him…

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘He’s Leaving Me.’

Bella_Gardner Not even looking like a twenty five year old model is good enough for this jerk.

He’s packing his bags, he tells me he loves ‘Kayla’ more than he EVER loved me, and he had the nerve, the NERVE, to tell me that ‘at least her looks aren’t fake’.

Fake.

He thinks I’ve ‘faked’ what I look like now.. I’ve lost thirty pounds, my skin is smooth, I’m stronger and have more energy (at least at night) and the only mark on me is the scar on my belly where my youngest son was cut out of me.

And yet the only money I’ve spent is about seventy dollars on the Fountain of Youth. Yeah. Sure. Fuck you too. He’s already told me that he won’t be sending me money, if I have enough for surgery I have enough to care for our kids.

I would be guzzling wine and shoveling down ice cream but to be honest my stomach’s been super touchy lately. I don’t think I’ve kept anything down lately.

I just don’t know what to tell the kids.

Autumn_Hubbard Tell him their father abandoned them because he’s a shallow fucker.

Constance_Alexander Slit his throat and drink his blood.

Bella_Gardner WHOA, overreaction, Constance! Although it has absolutely crossed my mind to kill the bastard. I’m alone. With four kids. I can’t leave the house during the day without being in agonizing pain.

I swear if I get my hands on him I’m wringing his neck. And that is absolutely the wine talking, apparently my stomach doesn’t mind alcohol.

_ _ _

>Subject: ‘I Think We Got Played’

Deanna_Osborne                                                 My husband ended up taking a higher dose because he thought it wouldn’t affect him as easily, given he’s a bigger man. It just made it kick in faster. A lot faster. He looks exactly like he did in college.

But it’s more than that. Like I said, he used to play football, but quit when a tackle messed up his left knee. It’s fixed. Years of physical therapy, constant exercise, and heavy painkiller use. And it’s fixed within a matter of a week thanks to this ‘Fountain of Youth’.

It’s not stopping. The change isn’t stopping. And it’s not going to stop. I’ve nonstop emailed that stupid goddamn kid. You guys can try, I actually encourage that you to try, but I don’t think he’ll be responding any time soon. I think he realized what was going to happen and BAILED.

Those groups of teens that went missing from two different highschools last year? I dug deeper. At the first school there was a senior named Gus Katsoros. He went missing at the same time as the others. God be with the kids who were this psycho’s first test subjects. God be with me and my family, our canines have fallen out and are being replaced by fangs, the twins must’ve been stealing the rest of the drink. We’re not human anymore.

And God be with Gus as we are all going on the road to find this little creep.

Constance_Alexander I’ll be joining you. I’ll meet up with you in Wyoming.

I don’t know what I did last night, but I woke up soaked in blood and for the first time in days no longer hungry. Last night’s date is nowhere to be found and he’s not picking up his phone.

This little jerk took advantage of the fact I was insecure and he will pay.

Bella_Gardner I’ll catch up with you guys.

After I have a little date with my husband…

[loversand-losers1]

Benverly ship - candy

Oh my god,, this was such a hard ficcc I couldn’t think of what to doooo. I literally have 6 different drafts with them each going in different ways— hope is doesn’t suck to bad— hope you enjoy! _____________

That was one of the first things they had in common. They loved jolly ranchers. Bev had suffered one to many cavities because of them and Ben knew that he didn’t need the extra sugar in his bloodstream.

He reminisced on the days when he couldn’t kiss her or hold her hand.

Ben had resigned to watching Beverly from afar. He had accepted that they would never be together. She was beautiful; her long auburn hair, her kind, wise eyes . The way her lips curled up around her perfect white teeth (the same teeth she revealed had been attacked by the cavities, but as far as Ben was concerned,they were still perfect.) So when she had actually come to talk to him, he forgot how to move his jaw and his mouth got dry. It should’ve have been that big of a deal, either; she had just asked him if he was willing to scoot his bike over so she could wheel hers through. He had complied, but had almost fallen on his face.

The next time they spoke, it has been because she had asked him for a pencil. He had dug into his bag, his fingers brushing over his giant bag of Jolly Ranchers. He handed her the long yellow pencil but reached back in and pulled out a small handful of the brightly colored wrapped candy. He winced when he realized there were only a few left in the bag.

“Do you want one?” He mouthed to her. She had given him a small smile of gratitude, but she shook her head nonetheless. “Can I take a rain check?” She mouthed back jokingly. Ben chuckled in response, hating how hot his cheeks were getting.

The next time they had spoken was in the drug store. Ben had agreed to go with Eddie when he went to refill his inhaler. Eddie had been waiting for his meds by the counter. Ben had wandered off, promising to meet him in a few minutes.

He wandered into the candy isle, his mind lighting up at the sight of the fun colors and ostentatious wrappers. He instantly regretted going down the isle, because walking in on the other side was none other than Beverly Marsh. He looked down, feeling his cheeks heat up. God, he hated himself. Why couldn’t he just say hi like a normal person? He sighed, spotting the Jolly Ranchers. He walked slowly, wishing that he had stayed with Eddie. God. He wished he could just ask her out. Or not even ask her out, just have a normal conversation with her. He’d love to be her friend, if anything else. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts and the thought that he had to actually get to the candies that he didn’t realize that Beverly Marsh was walking towards him.

Towards the Jolly Ranchers, rather. He didn’t even notice that she had put the last bag of Jolly Ranchers under her arm and proceeded to walk to the checkout line. He stared at where she had just been standing.

His brain didn’t comprehend that his body had moved, but it was and before he knew it, his legs had taken him to the spot in line right behind Beverly Marsh. He hadn’t expected for her to turn around and speak to him.

“Hey! Ben, right?” She flashed him a smile. He was temporarily blinded.

“Yep. Yep, that’s me,” he fidgeted with his hands uncomfortably. “So… um. Can I like-“ he gestured his hand foreword and she raised an eyebrow questioningly.

“You want to get in front of me?” He shook his head “You want to check out first? I don’t mind if your in a rush. I have no place to be—?”

“No,” he cut her off “I came here with my friend because he needs his meds refilled and because I ran out of those,” he pointed to the bag of candy in her hand “I need to buy more”

Bev smirked and Ben swallowed a think lump of saliva. God, she was beautiful.

“Sorry, Man,” she shrugged in fake sympathy, a smile still decorating her face. Truth be told; he didn’t even want the candy that much. Had it not been Beverly Marsh who sauntered away from the isle, he would have shrugged and made his way back to Eddie.

But it was her. And goddamnit, he was going to talk to her even if it killed him.

“Yeah, that’s gonna have to be a no. Instead of wasting your time here, there’s literally another corner store you could go to. I’m sure this pack isn’t the last. Lots of other fish in the sea, right?” With that she winked, and the cashier called her up to ring up her candy and, ironically, a toothbrush. She was so cute. Bens mind began to wonder as he sped up to find Eddie.

The next time they came in contact was through a series of letters, if you will. Ben had written on a piece of paper and twisted it around two Jolly Ranchers (from the corner store Bev suggested him go to). He pressed himself up against the wall, doing his best not to be seen. He watched as she opened her locker, slipped her binder inside and pulled out the package he’d left her.

Her long red hair fell around her face as she opened the package. He could see her face widening with a smile as he pulled out the cherry candies. Those were her favorite.

She then proceeded to unfold the paper; this is what really made Bens heart rush. This was the moment of truth. After reading this poem, she would know that he liked her and his life would inevitably be ruined because who would want to date him.

Your hair is winter fire. January Embers My heart burns there too

He watched as her smile grew bigger than he thought was possible. She tucked a lock of her thick hair behind her ear and stuck one of the red candies in her mouth.

Ben felt his heart picking up speed in his chest- he may more may not die of happiness right then and there.

The next time they spoke was in the second letter. This time Ben received it. Taped to it was two grape candies and the note said:

‘Meet me at the Barrens after school? xoxo’

What did ‘xoxo’ mean? Did she like him? Was she making fun of him? Oh my god. she was beautiful. He was going to die. His heart was going to explode and he was going to die right in the middle of the fucking hallway.

And he was jittery for the rest of the day. He couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t focus and he was counting down every minute until 3:00. It couldn’t come fast enough. And when it did come, he hopped up so quickly that it knocked over his desk and he had to set it back up before dashing as fast as he could to the Barrens.

When he got there, Bev was already there. She had on faded blue jeans and an airy yellow shirt. “I’m so fucked,” Ben muttered over and over in his head. She stood up and walked over to him

“Hey, Ben.” She grinned, he gave her a shy smile back.

After the wall of ice had been melted it eased out between the two of them. They walked and they casually talked about anything and everything. The time went by so fast and Ben wasn’t ready to leave, but at the same time, he’d rather get Bev Home safe than risk anything.

“We should head home. The sun is setting. I want you to be in before dark,” he said, trying to sound as manly as he could.

Bev rolled her eyes so hard he thought they were going to fall out of her mouth, but she smiled nevertheless.

But before they could stand up, Bev turned to Ben, facing him completely. “January embers?” She asked him.

Ben felt his heart speed up for the millionth time.

She reached into her pocket, pulling out another note written on cardrock with a piece of candy attached.

My heart burns there too

It read, he detached the piece of candy, studying the interesting swirl patterns that were inside the sugar.

It was red; her favorite flavor. And it was grape; his favorite flavor. It was swirled together in a perfect unexpected blend.

Somethings are meant to be.

[avengersohyeah]

Trace

Part 1

Masterlist

Trace Masterlist

Pairing : Dean x Male! Reader, Sam x Male! Reader

A/N : This is my first time ever writing a fic, hell it’s not even avengers related like my username. So please leave your reply, so i know if you like it or not. Also i haven’t decided yet if it’s going to be Dean or Sam cuzzz….. Um……

And the gif is kind of random so bear with me....

Normal POV

“No, grandpa…Jannice…Mark…wake up ! wake up !” No response, not even a move of their chest signaling that they’re still breathing. They just lays there bloodied on the floor. Scatered around the room with other children, he didn’t know what happened. He went for a grocery shopping an hour ago, not expecting to be welcomed by the sight of the people he loved, his family all dead. He just sat there in the middle of the bloodied room sobbing, screaming, knowing the fact that he’s really alone now.

(Y/N) trashed and turned on the bed, sweats coming out from every single pore on his skin, screaming and wailing their names, his family’s. He then woke up from the nightmare that once again invading his sleep. Looking to a clock hanging in front of his bed, it shows 5.30 am. ‘at least i’m not woken up in the middle of the night like usual’ he thought to himself. He decided to pack his belongings and continue his journey. To find the people that he knew could help him find the thing that killed his family. The famous hunters Dean and Samuel Winchesters.

He’ve been traveling around America to find the famous brothers. Some of the hunters he met on his way to find them gave him a little image of what kind of people he’s triying to find. Disguising as a hunter never got him questioned by asking about the brothers. He went from town to town where he heard strange death cases happened knowing better that those cases most likely supernatural influenced. But never once did he cross their path, he did once saw two mens in an Impala rode past him, thought thet they were just ordinary people but turned out they’re the brothers he’s been looking for. It’s been two weeks since that day and now he’s getting closer to them. He can feel it, no… he knew it because no matter where, he could see their trace. One of the things he can do, he could look into the past of someone, place, or things if he wanted to, hell he can even see to the future if he want to. And from the last case the brothers solved, he found their trace, he heard it himself where the brothers are coming back to Lebanon, Kansas.

After three days in town he finally found the brothers in the Bar that night. One of them is flirting and picking up on a random girl just to fuck them he guessed, and one of them is just sitting on the stool and taking his shots. Just like what those hunters said, the one that likes hitting on the girl is the older one, and the tall dude is the younger one. He decided to wait untill they leave, but damn that’s a hard thing to do. (Y/N) is not a Bar type of guy, hell he never once set foot in one. But tonight he had to keep up with the act to blend in, knowing well enough not to talk to them directly at least yet. He sat in a booth on the corner, hidden from the brothers, but he can still see them. 12.30 am the older brother leave to god knows where, surely to fuck that girl he was hitting on. But the younger one still there, turning down the girls that aproached him. (Y/N) don’t need to wait for long untill the younger winchester got up slightly wobly but not drunk.

He walked down the street, to the direction that (Y/N) knows leading to the woods. He watched as the giant wobling around following him in the shadows. He follows him far into the woods, until the time he turned and dissapeared. (Y/N) stood there, in the middle of the woods only companied by the light from the moon, he lost the men he’s been looking for. Then he decide to do what he know, look for his trace. Crouching on the ground and putting his hand on them. (Y/N) closed his eyes, concentrating on what he wanted to see, three minutes ago before that men dissapeared. He opened his eyes and his eyes shines the color of bright purple indicating his power on work. He closed them again after seeing what he wanted, the men did dissapeared into a place he couldn’t see. How in the world did he not see this coming ? They obviously put a ward to protect their place “Fuck!” He whisper yelled. Realising that the oods to meet them again is thin. He walked back to the direction to the town heading to the motel he temporarily stayed in.

Sam’s POV

Here I am standing on the other side of the ward concealing the Bunker, watching as the boy that followed me crouched on the ground and his eyes shone purple for a few seconds before they finaly closed. He gripped his hair and cursed in a whispered voice. I have no idea why this boy is following me, being a hunter for so long made me could sense if someone or something is up to no good. But this boy is different, aside from his glowing purple eyes, he doesn’t seemed as a threat. He seemed desperate to me, somehow he reminded me of myself and Dean when we lost Marry, when we lost John, and Bobby. I was sad and lost, i realised that the boy is on the young side, maybe early twenties. I watched as he disappearing from my sight into the woods.

I woke up late this morning, maybe around 10 or so. Dean hasn’t be back yet I assumed he done it a lot or he was doing it again after they woke up. I decided to change and go for a run, once i’m outside the bunker I wasn’t ready for what I see. There he stood, the boy from last night on the same spot he lost me. I stand there in front of him for a good three minutes observing him. Here under the sunlight I can see him clearly, his rather tall figure, he’s not muscular like me or Dean but I can sense that he’s not weak either. Then i looked into his eyes and somehow it looks void, not without emotion, but just void like there’s something he hides from everyone. I’m debating ewther or not steping out of the ward and talk to him, he doesn’t look dangerous at all, but Dean would be pissed if i reveal the location of the Bunker to someone we don’t know. I looked into his eyes again as he seemed to just stares straight to my direction. I there must be a reason for him to follow me, I need to know it, before Dean came back and beat the shit out of this Boy for following me. I was just about to step out of the ward but Dean is already back.

Dean’s POV

“What time is it ?” I woke up and asked to the blonde I fucked last night. She was already up and heading to the bathroom. “Oh.. it’s five past ten James, I’ll take a shower and after that maybe we can have a abreakfast ?” She asked me and batting her lashes. “Oh yeah… take your time..” Once she locked the bathroom I sillently put on my clothes and head out to Baby. I drove from the Motel leaving her there, don’t have intentions more than a good fuck from her. It’s been a while since I picked a random chick at a bar and fucked them, since so many things happening in my life I don’t feel the need to get attached to someone. I have Sammy and that’s what matter, we stick together just like what I think John wanted us to. Drive to the Bunker is rather short, when I entered the path leading there, I saw that men, a boy. Standing right in front of the ward surrounding the Bunker. “Shit ! what is he? Demon ? Angel how did he even find the Bunker” I mutered to myself as I grabed a gun and open Baby’s door. “Rise your hands ! Who are you and what are you doing here ?” I pointed my gun at him. I watched him as he turned and raising both of his hands. “Please don’t kill me… I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N) I’m here to meet you and your brother.” His voice sounded rather shaky. “Why are you looking for us ?” “I need your help… my family was killed and I need your help to find the killer.” “You think we’re a fucking detective? Go find a police !” I snorted at his answer, not believing what he just said. I was about to make a coment again before he cut me off “But the killer is not human!..” I just stare at him for a moment observing if his body language showing a sign of lie. But there’s none. “ How do you know it’s not a human?” “I… I know it because I can see the past… I saw him the thing that killed my family. And he’s not a human, I’m sure because human does’t have horns and tail.” He answered with a firmer voice. “You can see the past? What are you ? How do I know that it’s not just you making up stories to get trough us and kill us?” “I can show you the prove, just please don’t kill me and let’s talk…” He looks at me with pleading eyes, bigger that any men’s eyes I’ve ever seen. Bright under the sunlight but at the same time it’s void. It lacked of something, he looked lost just like when I told Sam that our Mom is gone, like when I see his eyes after we lost John and Bobby. He made me feel strange, he made me feel like I want to walk there to him and wrap my arms around him and comfort him. Just by looking into his eyes, I want to tell him eveything’s gonna be alright…’Wait What ???’. I lowered my gun and decided to give him a chance. “Talk!” I ordered him He flinced slightly at my voice, but somehow his reaction made something stir inside of me. I don’t know what but it’s strange. “I’m from (Y/Address/States) I lived with my grandpa and twelve other children, they’re al orphans. One day I came back from grocery shopping and the were already dead. Bloods everywhere, but they didn’t have any scars. It all came out of their nose, mouth, ears, eyes… it’s not a human’s work.” He started to tremble, but I’m still worried that it might be just an act. So I pushed him further. “You said you can see to the past, how do I know you’re not a witch and…” “I’m not ! You bastard… you think I would travel around America looking for you for help if I’m a witch ? You think that I came her to kill you ? Hell I don’t even know you…. I came looking for you because I’m desperate… Police surely can’t find him they never would.. And people don’t even belive me back there.. They always see me as a crazy boy whose family murdered that talks nonsense about demons. And this thing?..” He pointed to his eyes “…I got it from my father, a father that left me and my mom even before I can remember what he looks like! “ At this point I really don’t know what to do. I didn’t expect him to broke down sobbing in front of me. I feel guilty, to be the one that made him in this state. My body reacting faster than my brain, before I know it I was there next to him, attempting to hold him and tell him that I’m sorry. But Sam was faster than me………..

Tags :  @thegreatficmaster @supernaturalimagine @supernaturaldaily @waywardwinterfics @buckyywiththegoodhair @angryschnauzer @mrgrant9559-blog @kaylzjordan @rawritsmeh @supernaturalfanfiction-com @after-avenging-hours @winchesterenthusiast​ @themerlintrashcan​wayward-warrior-universe @themorningtrashcan @izzywinchester

[dawyer]

Salt of the Sun

I enjoy guns and wearing makeup. Not necessarily at the same time, but why not go to the shooting range with a little lipstick? I like cooking for my friends, the kitchen is my temple. I enjoy watching the Bruins kick ass in hockey. Go Bruins! 

The reason I like the term queer is because it fits me to a tee.

I am anatomically a 24-year-old, adult woman. Being queer does not make one a hermaphrodite. We seem to get this whole physical anatomy versus sexual expression versus sexual preference thing all mixed up. Any intelligent citizen can tell you're they're three different things entirely. But they're also mysteriously connected like a Chinese foreign investor and the Greek national debt are all tied up in your junk bond mortgage. Like a hot mess. That's what makes you interesting, even if we all seem incomprehensible at first.

I just don’t identify with stereotypically female or male characteristics. Take the blue and pink salad spinners, for example. His and Hers. His salad and her salad. Spin your salad blue for boys, spin your salad pink for girls. What the hell difference does it make? Whatever pesticides aren’t washed off the lettuce are going to give you cancer anyways, no matter what your gender is.

Sometimes guys think I'm anatomically a boy. I have my hair cut real short and sometimes I don't wear makeup when I don't feel like it. I'm only five foot eight and rather flat-chested, but I've got a nice ass, so it's really a toss-up. On that note, I went to the beach last week sans maquillage. In my zone, reading Camus on the coast of Maine outside of Portland, watching the Canadians migrate to their favorite Summer swimhole and listening to them speak French... this is my element. A little girl was afraid to go into the water and a man, probably her Dad, dunked her under the water real fast and rose her up like she was baby Simba, except this girl was screaming and crying that she wanna go back, wanna go back, wanna go back to Mommy. Sometimes Fathers don't realize how the early trauma they put their kids through can really fuck them up. My Father used to wrestle with me as a kid, playfully at first, but one day he pinned me down, my little arms and legs squished under his huge gut. He wouldn't let me get up until I pretended to stop breathing. Ever since then, I hate being under someone else, sexually or otherwise. Then I really start to freak out and have to explain the whole story. Most people are understanding of this kind of trauma, or at least they pretend to be understanding. Sometimes they never call or text me back, but that could be for other reasons.

My book down in front of my face and my eyelids getting rather heavy, I lie down on my stomach and close my eyes behind sepia-tinted sunglasses. For a few minutes I feel the breeze lap the back of my neck and the sun really going at it on my upper thighs, those pesky pale things. I'm wearing a blue tank-top, I burned my back a few days ago so it was still a little sensitive. With my eyes closed I drift off into a land where there are just orange auras moving around real lazily, like globes of energy, slow dancing to "Wonderwall" at a high school dance. The auras would sometimes blend into each other and become brighter, and then move apart. It was beautiful. I wasn't really there, but I was everywhere at the same time, just kind of floating amidst and above them. Then I feel a pungent garlic breath punch my face.

I open my eyes and get up on my elbow real fast, adjusting my eyes to the light. A man comes into focus, also lying down on the beach, his skin like a leathery, orange handbag and his face shiny with too much sun lotion. He wasn't that old, maybe mid 50's, but he looked like a beach addict, a real beach bum. His curly salt-and-pepper hair looked well-washed at least, and his arms were big like tree limbs and rather endearing.

"Hey man," he says, exposing some bleached, glow-in-the-dark white teeth, and continues, "What are you reading?"

"Well I wasn't reading, I was asleep... but anyways, I've been reading Camus."

"Came us!" He says, picking up the book and nodding his head over and over again, "I've heard of him, he's like a French revolutionary or something?"

"Not exactly, I mean he's pretty recent, like 1960's I think he died? Anyways some of his ideas were pretty revolutionary I guess you could say."

"Ok," He says, sitting up straight and side-glancing a few times over at my ass. An awkward pause of silence interrupts us, then a bee comes over and hovers above my side. I try to brush it away.

"Be careful not to hurt it!" He shouts, brushing my thigh with his surprisingly soft fingers, "Bees are our friends, we need them to pollinate all the flowers along the beach and give life to this otherwise dead world. They give life to the flowers, the flowers make fruit, we eat the fruit. But those damn cell phone towers are killing them off all over the place! I’m gonna take my hatchet and cut em down.”

“I don’t know if you can cut through steel cell phone towers, they look like pretty sturdy structures. Anyways last I heard it was farmers spraying their crops with nasty chemicals was the thing that’s done the bees in.”

He just leers at me for a moment and replies, “I remember the day those towers went up and things started to change. Let’s just knock one down and see what happens. You look like a pretty strong boy, you could help me pull it down.” He grabs my though and gives a strong squeeze.

Strong boy? True I’m strong, I always alternate between the shooting range and going to the gym every alternate day. That way I’ve got a sharp eye when I have a rifle, and I can wrestle when I need to.

“I’m not a...” I rethink my words, not wanting to explain what queer is, “not as strong as you think.”

“Well we could find out.” He looks over to the bushes at the edge of the beach. There’s nobody around but us, we’re at a No Swim section of the beach and all the respectful Canadians are down further at the lifeguarded section.

“Huh..? What do you...” I say as he squeezes my thigh again. I hate when random guys touch me like they’re testing the ripeness of an avocado.

“You play football? What grade are you in?”

“Eleventh. No, track and field,” I lie.

“Oh a junior, that‘s a good year. A rough one, but good. You’re in your prime.” He winks a nasty, long wink. There’s sand in his eyelashes. Then stands up and reaches for my hand. “Come on, let me show you something. Want to go see in the bushes?”

“Ok.”

We walk over, my hand in his big, soft one. 

When we get to the bushes he says, “Now I want to show you something, but you don’t have to do anything. Just sit there.” He immediately pulls down his speedo to reveal a hard, veiny dick. He starts touching himself and making low, guttural noises, almost pig-like. His face was turning bright red. With all that orange skin, it was like watching a giant red pimple appearing on the skin of a grapefruit.

Then he starts touching my hair, and that sets me off. Up until this point, he was just putting on a show. It all seemed harmless, maybe to just show off his manhood in a softcore kind of way. To show who is the alpha male to the beta male.

I want to punch him in the groin, but I resist.

Instead, I take him in my mouth for two seconds, and he screams with surprise and pleasure. The thing smells fishy, combined with the burnt smell of sun lotion spread over the flesh of his lower abdomen. It immediately repulsed me almost to the point of gagging.

Then I bite, hard. Like an enchanted apple, though I’m the enchantress. And the apple is now forever cursed.

He lets out a beast-like yelp, and pushes against the sides of my head. It felt like my eyes would pop out the front of my face like a Looney Tunes character upon discovering that their tail is on fire. I stand up and run real fast until I feel it’s safe to. Then I turn around and see the dude doubled over on the ground, it looks like he’s crying.

 I realize there’s something salty tasting in my mouth. I spit. Blood-tinted saliva. I spit until I can’t spit anymore and I run to the ocean and start throwing massive amounts of salty ocean water in my mouth to rinse.

Then I look back again. The man is still doubled-over, writhing in pain. I think he’s even sobbing. I gather my things and put them in my backpack and attach my bicycle helmet to my head. As I walk away towards where I locked my bike, an idea strikes me.

I run back real stealthily to where the man in sobbing and yell, “Hey bee fucker! You wanna try this?” And I pull down my bikini bottom, exposing my female anatomy. I shaved it that morning, so it is literally here in broad daylight.

He looks over at me and just stares, tears coming down his face. “You could have said,” he begins to say, and repeats, “could have...”. Then he starts to laugh. It sounded at first like a nervous laugh, the kind of slow, forced laugh when you’re not sure if someone is going to hurt you. Then it continued and became louder, and louder, and he gasps for air in between each one. Maniacal. Like he will never stop.

I yell back, “Could have said what?”

Suddenly he stops laughing, and says dryly, “No.”

I gulp what feels like a golf ball in my throat and turn the other way very delicately, and then start to walk fast. Like a suburban mom in the morning, but faster. When I get to my bike, I look back towards the bushes and don’t see the man anymore. 

Maybe he rolled down into the ocean waves like a beached whale trying to return to wherever he came from?

On my bike, I feel free again. On my bike, I am invincible.

On my bike, I am alone.