#it’s funny (derogatory) how growing up in a family that seemed to only be able to function in chaos

[carrionsflower]

[lilac-5ky]

Killing Butterflies (Part 5: Sides of a Coin)

A/N: It's been over a month since I last posted an update to this ;-; I'll give a smol recap of what happened in the final chapters for those who don't remember. I'll try to update faster asdfghjkl and will get to all requests in a hopefully timely manner.

Recap: In the past, Takasugi was forced to become Y/N's fighting instructor upon her father's request. Visiting her cell in the present, he reminisces of their first class as he watches her train. Later that evening, Y/N remembers of the time Takasugi got to open up to her about his teacher and the promise they once made under the starry night. Oh, and he returns her sword. me saying this so bluntly ruined the recap momentum but oh well

Warnings: None. I suppose at least.

p.s. it's funny how i keep apologizing over being late and then i'm actually later than before. hopefully this was worth the wait!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 6

oh and i'll never get over joui 4 takasugi. he is just the cutest. *swoon*

Out of the many ways to handle grief, hatred seems to be the easiest one to stomach. While tears lead to sadness and weakness of the heart, hatred leads to resolution and strength of the mind. Sorrow keeps you withering away in bed, but hatred, keeps your feet moving forward in hopes that one day, your anguish will fade into oblivion.

You’ve come to realize that hatred is like wildfire. It burns through everything it touches, and only those prepared to get their hands scorched, can expect to tame its power. Blindly hating an enemy is easy, but when it comes to loathing someone you once held dear, things tend to grow a little more complicated. The already thin line between hatred and love gets blurred, making it easy for one to trip from one side to the other, and right now, you were unsure of your own footing.

Takasugi’s visits increased in volume, with the Kiheitai leader passing by your makeshift chambers at least once per day. Under the pretense of delivering your meals, he lingered around, keenly watching as you swung your blade over and over again. At times, he’d throw a snarky remark, or grace you with another of his derogatory notes like he previously did, but mostly, he’d stand idle even after your training session was over.

You would never admit it, but each time he visited your cell, you found yourself rather comforted by his presence, even looking forward to the little time you spent together. In the infinity of space and stars, seeing a familiar face helped you keep a grip on reality, offering you the slightest sense of security. Be it your worst enemy or not, with him orbiting around, you felt less alone than before.

Directing such thoughts at the man you sought to destroy was sickening, for sure. No matter how many times you tried to suppress these feelings, you ended up spiraling into deeper thought about him. It was pointless. Even with a sword in hand, there was no way to defend your heart from Takasugi. The monster you had created in your mind existed no more, replaced by the sole image of the boy you’d once fallen for.

But even with your wavering resolve and his rather altruistic acts of kindness, Takasugi remained the man responsible for your family’s downfall. That was a fact you couldn’t afford to forget, a fact that you constantly had to remind yourself of whenever the slightest thought of forgiveness and atonement managed to seep in. Only through questioning his motives and doubting his actions, could you possibly keep on going. Only by doing so, would you be able to hold onto your hatred for him.

Besides, why would he bother giving you special privileges unless he was planning something? Why would he return your sword if he didn’t intend on striking first? That’s right. Takasugi was your enemy. He was crafty and manipulative, cruel and ruthless, and there was no way for him to act nicely without expecting something in return. Even if you failed to see what lied beyond his facade, you were hellbent on figuring it out.

Because of that, you decided that next time you got to see him, you’d try your best to refrain from throwing any backhanded comments -or your sword, for that matter- at him. You’d attempt to have an actual conversation, going as far as to play all nice and civil for the sake of achieving your goal.

“For a world renowned terrorist, you seem to have an awful lot of time to spare.” You said, following your words with a swing of your sword.

Even before he entered the room, you felt his presence weighing against the heavy metallic door, the sound of his steps echoing throughout the empty hall. You could always tell when it was him. He was the only one whose pacing bore such certainty to it, as if he owned the place, which, for once, he did.

Surely enough, the door closed behind him with a shade of purple and gold pouring into the room. You kept on practicing undisturbed, maintaining your focus on your hands, all the while chanting the words “you are a murderer, you are my enemy” inside your brain like some sort of profane prayer.

“I see you are putting it to good use.” Takasugi nodded at your sword. His back rested against the door, with his foot forming an angle with the frame. A thin kiseru dangled from between his lips, though by the lack of smell and smoke, you could tell it was unlit.

“I’m surprised you didn’t toss it into the sea. After all, it was my father’s sword.”

“Why should I dispose of a fine blade when it’s still of use?” He argued.

“Is that why you killed him? He extended his usage?”

The words slipped from your mouth, before you had the chance to filter them. So much for keeping things civil.

Takasugi didn’t seem offended by your accusation in the slightest. If anything, you could spot a sly smile across his lips, as he buried his pipe inside his yukata.

“I’m glad to see your fangs all sharp again. Though you should probably keep on polishing them until the time is right. I’ll be waiting.” He spoke in a condescending tone.

His back broke away from the wall, while his steps brought him closer to you. Instinctively, you raised your sword, pointing it directly at him, though that wasn’t enough to faze him. He kept on walking until the sharp tip of your blade hit his chest, prompting a drop of crimson to stream down his fair complexion. Even demons like him bleed when pierced, you thought to yourself, not bothering to retract it.

“Aren’t you scared that I just might kill you on the spot?”

“If I was scared of a little girl with a sword, then I should have quit of my dreams and aspirations a long time ago.”

“What kind of aspirations would a criminal like you have?”

“You wish to know?” He smirked

With his head tilting to the side, Takasugi seemed to find entertainment in this whole ordeal. You wanted to wipe that expression off his face so badly, but when you realized you actually could, you found yourself hesitating. Maybe it’d be better to stick to the original plan, and so, much to your dismay, you ended up nodding at his suggestion.

“What I want to do is…” Bringing a finger down your sword, he carefully trailed a path along the sharp edge, only stopping when he reached the hilt. “Destroy everything.

“This world that we live in, those filthy bakufu dogs running it… every single thing that soiled our planet shall be cleansed by my bare hands.” He went on, his green orb locking with yours while he pressed you to react.

All along, you thought of Takasugi as someone vile enough to bite the hand that feed him, yet you’d never consider him insane. Surely, even back then, there was something off about him, be it grief or a silent form of rage, but to actually aspire to bring the world to its knees, now that was absurd. No man could ever achieve that, human or Amanto. You were certain of that. However, if that was the case, then why did you feel your own knees trembling all of a sudden?

“You… you have actually lost your mind, haven’t you?” Even as you spoke, his words had yet to fully register.

“Perhaps. You wouldn’t be the first to think so.” He shrugged. “But you should know, that makes two of us.”

“What do you mean?”

“You gave up your entire life for revenge, did you not? Your pretty dresses, your warm household, your father’s legacy… all those things, just so you could tear me apart.

“Every choice you made up until that point was to see me again, was it not? You left everything behind, and all that because your eyes were set on me, because you were unable to sheathe your sword as long as I was alive and kicking.

“Y/N, that voice must have been unbearable for your ears. Screeching and gnawing for you to hunt me down. Do you really think that retribution is what you’re seeking? No, that’s far from it. The thing you long for the most… is for that voice to finally stop. Am I wrong?”

Even when he threw question after question, Takasugi never meant to hear any answer. He was simply addressing them as facts, which they might as well be.

All this time, you never dared open up to anyone about the way you felt, adamant on carrying this heavy cross all by yourself. Not even Harumi knew of your burden, yet he seemed perfectly attuned to your emotions, perhaps even more so than you were. Your resolve, your struggle… even that voice he spoke of, everything you failed to articulate, he effortlessly put into words. It was as if you stood completely naked before him, baring your damaged soul for him to see.

“You and I… we are not so different, Y/N. What you call madness, is the only way we know how to live our lives.”

“We… we are nothing alike.” You spat back at him, opposing the idea with all you had.

There was no way you resembled a criminal like him. You’d never done as much as hurt a fly. Comparing the two of you was like comparing night and day. Even if there was a hint of truth behind his words, you wouldn’t let him poison your brain any further. He is a liar and only lies come out of his mouth. You aren’t like him. You could never be like him. You are not the same.

“Are we not?” He prompted. “You can try denying it all you want, but with time, you’ll come to realize that you’ve chosen to walk on the same path I have.”

“So… everything you do, is it for revenge? Back then and right now, is that it?”

“My goal hasn’t changed since.”

“Then, whom are you avenging? It must be your teacher, right?”

Silence followed with Takasugi pursing his lips into a straight line. Part of you couldn’t help but feel guilty for mentioning his teacher, remembering how much his death had cost him. Even after all these years, Takasugi’s expression was the same as it was that night, an expression that haunted you whenever you looked in the mirror. Perhaps that’s the only way we are similar, you admitted.

“So you want to avenge him by striking the Bakufu,” you said, piecing the two bits of information together. “and then what? What happens after you ruin the world? Have you even considered that?”

“What’s with all these questions? Are you perhaps interested in me?” Takasugi asked, helping himself to another of his infamous smirks.

“Wh-what?” You couldn’t fathom how he dared say such a thing when less than a minute ago he looked as if he were a wounded animal. “Don’t mistake me with that blonde bimbo who keeps following you around.”

“Oh? Jealous of Matako, are we?” He teased with his lips curling into a cocky smile.

“That’s not it! I couldn’t care less about how many women you’ve kissed, slept with, or had bastard children with. Even if you own part of Yoshiwara, it’s none of my concern. It really doesn’t concern me at all, I am not concerned about it in the slightest.” You protested, feeling the blood boil within your veins.

“Hmm? Is that so?”

“What did you think? That I could possibly still harbor feelings for you? You aren’t all that great you know, and I’m really not that stupid to be swayed again.”

“Your face says otherwise.” He noted, pointing his index at you.

“My face?” Dread took over once your fingers crawled up to your cheeks, feeling the warmth of a blush. You were so enraged that you were now displaying physical symptoms, ones that he foolishly mistook for jealousy.

“It’s because of the heat you know. It’s very warm in space, you should know.” You objected, attempting to cool yourself down. There was no way you’d ever feel jealous over such inconspicuous reasons, when the relation between you two was stained by blood. The only thing binding you together was shared hatred and animosity, that’s all.

“Space is said to be shivering cold.. you should know.” He sneered.

All of a sudden, you felt your body going frigid, your blade nearly dropping from your hands, a fact he was quick to notice.

“But looking at you… you are also trembling.” Takasugi said, his gaze briefly moving to your shuddering shoulders.

He reached a hand forward, acting as if he meant to touch you, which in return forced you to back away from him. Your sword was still clenched within your grip, though you doubted you could strike a hit in your current condition. Takasugi was well aware of that, pressing on until your head was caged between his arm and the wall, not minding that he had a razor sharp blade grazing at his neck.

You felt your own heart beat faster when he leaned close enough for his breath to tingle your lips, a faint smell of tobacco pouring out as he spoke.

“So what is it? Are you feeling warm, or cold?” He whispered, his gaze not faltering for one second.

You gulped, unsure of what the right answer to his question was. He was messing with you, toying with you just like a predator did with his prey right before devouring it, yet even so, you couldn’t break away from him. Perhaps part of you really did wish to be devoured by him.

“Shinsuke-dono, I’m afraid there are urgent matters for us to discuss.”

You hadn’t even heard the sound of the door creaking when a third voice chimed in, a familiar silhouette appearing in the background.

“It’s about our new ‘friends.’” The voice went on, demanding its presence be acknowledged.

“Has Bansai been notified?” Takasugi asked, not budging an inch away from you. Even in front of his subordinate, he had no issue keeping his little game up.

“Yes. Bansai-dono is already waiting in the conference room.”

“Very well. I’ll be joining you soon.”

“Pardon my intrusion, Y/N-san. You look far lovelier than the last time we met.”

“Th-thank you.”

It finally registered that the man before you was in fact the very same man who’d been arguing with that blonde in your cell a few days ago. Although his name slipped your mind, from what you remembered, he was far kinder than she was. Too bad he’d chosen to serve someone as horrid as Takasugi. At the very least, he did seem to have some manners.

“I’ll be taking my leave now.”

For a moment, you were tempted to call after him, begging him to come to your rescue. Even if you were the one holding a sword down on Takasugi’s throat, his claws seemed to be clenched far deeper than your blade could ever reach. All you could do was wait for his little playtime to come to an end, wishing that by the time that happened, your resolve wouldn’t weaken enough for you to do or say anything regrettable.

You are a murderer, you are my enemy.

“There is nothing for you to be jealous of.” Takasugi said dryly.

“I told you, It’s none of my conc-”

“Shut up.”

You blinked your eyes in shock. It was rare to see him lose his temper, yet with his eyebrows knitted together, he failed to hide his own irritation.

“Matako and I don’t have that kind of relationship. But even if we did, you should know that you had your chance of running away with me a long time ago. Or am I again mistaken?” He scoffed, his nails leaving a screeching sound behind as he pulled his hand away from the wall.

You’d be lying if you said you felt no relief at his words. Oddly, knowing that the relation between the two was nothing but sort of platonic, put your mind at ease. However, such relief was short lived, with Takasugi storming out of the room, his final words reeking of poison, as he closed the door behind him.

“Feel free to keep deluding yourself.”

What was that all about, you wondered as you sheathed your sword. If one didn’t know any better, then they would assume that you were responsible for his aggravation, which wasn’t far from the truth. You didn’t expect him to react like this, with his tone switching to one of contempt in less than a heartbeat. His reaction made little to no sense, but either way, you were finally free of him.

Free to keep on practicing, free to look at the stars and… free to be having thoughts you shouldn’t have.

“Are you certain this will make me stronger?” You asked, tipping the bottle between your fingers.

“Don’t twist my words, I never said ‘stronger’. I just told you it’s what I prefer.” Takasugi argued, placing the two bokken back against the wall.

Another training session had come to an end, with your body feeling as if it was about to break into a million little pieces. While you could see signs of improvement in your sparring, the pain never reduced. With each hit, your complexion began to replicate the color of his hair, a series of purple bruises blooming across your ribs and rear. Even when you were still fairly new to all this, Takasugi cut you no slack, coming at you with all he had, seemingly basking in the sight of your exasperated form sprawling beneath his feet.

“Didn’t you say you wanted to fight for me? How do you intend on doing that from down there?” He’d sneer all the while extending his hand for you to take.

Undoubtedly, Takasugi was relentless as a teacher. He’d tire you until you could physically take no more, a near wicked smile permanently engraved upon his lips. He was like a demon, but even so, he appeared infinitely patient and tolerant. Once he was done scolding you, he always took the time to guide and properly explain things to you. With his hands directing your body and his voice whispering in your ears, you tried your best to memorize his words, though more often than not, your concentration ended up dwindling.

How could you possibly focus on fighting when he was this close, when you could feel every inch of his body against yours, when your mind was preoccupied dreaming of what it’d be like to have him touch you with his lips instead?

Those moments were the only instances of affection he showed, and that alone made all that struggle and pain bearable. Besides, if you managed to do well enough like you’d done today, he was kind enough to reward your efforts, be it in the form of minuscule probiotic bottles, or not.

“But you are strong and you drink this, which means that if I also drink it, then I’ll grow stronger too, no?”

“What kind of flawed logic is that? Are you stupid?” Takasugi scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

“And what is this yakool anyway?” You asked, attempting to read the label.

“Yakult.” He corrected. “If you don’t want it, then hand it over.”

“No, no, I’ll drink it.” You said, backing away from him.

“Nah, you should give it back. I doubt your refined noble girl palate can stomach it.” His fingers beckoned you to return the bottle.

“I can take it!” You placed your thumb on the lid, when suddenly, he snatched it from within your grasp.

“Hey! Give it to me!”

In an effort to retrieve the bottle, you threw yourself at him, failing to capture even a single strand of hair as he stepped to the side. Grunting, you pranced at him, stretching both hands above his head, only for him to hide the bottle behind his back.

“I said give it up!” You protested, lightly hitting your fists against his chest.

“And I said you can’t handle it. Quit whining.” He grunted, fending you off with one hand.

There was no way for you to shake him. Even if you rammed into him with all your strength, he’d still hold his ground. He was stronger and much faster than you were; there was no denying that. But maybe, just maybe, if you somehow managed to outsmart him, then a window of opportunity would present itself.

“Can’t be helped, I guess.”

You sighed in disappointment, taking a step back. A scowl spawned across your features as you dragged your gaze to the floor, doing everything in your power to pretend as if you’d given up, when in reality, you were patiently waiting for him to relax.

The second Takasugi brought his hands before his body, you flung towards him, nearly knocking him down in the process as you attached your fingers at the sleeves of his yukata. He was surprised, taking a couple of steps back with you only clinging harder to him. Your arms formed a belt around his torso, enveloping his body in a tight embrace he couldn’t quite get out of.

“Come on, just a sip!” You mumbled against his chest.

“Get off me!” He said, pressing his palm flat against your forehead in an attempt to repel you. Even then, he insisted on keeping the yakult to himself, holding it as far away from your reach as possible.

When he accepted that wasn’t enough, he wiggled his hips forward, failing to make you budge even by an inch. You refused to give up, your only concern being how to reach that bottle, to the point of disregarding the close proximity between your bodies. Even if you had to force his grip apart with your own fingers, you’d make sure you got to win this one.

He kept on demanding you let go of him until, all of a sudden, a strangled yelp came to interrupt his voice. His movements had turned rather erratic, with his body jolting forward. You looked up at him in confusion, your view of his face concealed by a well-defined jawline. There was no telling what had gotten into him, and so you went back to work, your fingers crawling higher onto his sides when that very same sound rumbled against his chest.

“St-stop it now.” He stuttered in a surprisingly high-pitched tone.

His arms closed around your own, trapping your hands near his armpits. You could neither retract them nor push them forward, the only choice you’d left being to continue poking at his sides with your fingers. A sequence of muffled sounds followed, until it dawned on you that what Takasugi was trying to do was suppress a giggle.

“Don’t tell me you are tickl-”

Before you could finish your sentence, he brought both palms down onto your shoulders, pushing you off him with full force. The impact caused you to stumble backwards, nearly dropping to the floor when you noticed that Takasugi’s hands were now empty, a fact he also came to realize. The two of you shared a look as your gazes traveled down in sync, locking with the creamy puddle that had formed behind his feet.

Uh-oh.

“I…,” you paused, feeling his icy stare pierce through your skull. “am sorry?”

In less than an instant, your fingers were laced before your head as you frantically spelled apology after apology, promising to never do it again, promising to show him more respect, promising to buy him an entire Yakolt factory if needed. However, Takasugi appeared completely untouched by your offers. All he cared to do was cash in his revenge on the spot.

Slowly, he approached you, an expression of both utter amusement and vivid rage wavering upon his features as he forced you to back into a corner.

“Any last words?” He asked in a villainous manner, one that made you shiver in anticipation of what was to follow.

“Please spare me, I won’t do it again! Please Shinsuke, I beg you, I-” Your pleas were cut short as his hands plunged forward.

You turned your back on him, attempting to run away at the last possible minute, though it was futile. A pair of arms snaked around your waist, pulling you tight against his body.

“Hmm? What is it that you won’t do?” Takasugi pondered, his breath lightly tingling the shell of your ear.

“Ca-call you ticklish?”

“Wrong.”

Without warning, you felt his fingers crawl all over your body, locating your sensitive nerves in no time.

“Please.” You begged one final time, though it was to no avail.

Takasugi began to assault each and every one of your ticklish spots, moving from your stomach to your sides and eventually your armpits. You let out a loud squeal, protesting with all you had for him to stop, until no words could be formed by your lips. Even uttering a simple ‘no’ became an impossible task, with each of your attempts drowned by yet another giggle.

“Mercy, this… this is too much.” You said meekly as your hands took a firm grip on his.

“Repent.” He was adamant.

“I’ll lick it off the floor if I have to just-argh, let go!”

Disregarding your pleas, Takasugi kept on poking at your body until a second, heartier laughter meddled with your own. Surprised, you looked up at him, only for your lips to part in awe. The most delightful smile you’d ever seen was illuminating his face, with his otherwise menacing stare closing behind his eyelids. He was chuckling, you realized. Takasugi was actually chuckling.

Even when you’d fallen head over heels for him at first sight, you still couldn’t fathom how someone as alluring as he was could exist. It wasn’t just the charm of his delicate features or the appeal of his body; no, it was something else. He was only this beautiful because his soul was too, sporting the purest form of beauty that one could never replicate. Inside out, he was utterly sublime, to the point of tempting you to confess your feelings for him on the spot.

His fingers never ceased to wiggle upon you, though your giggling had finally come to an end. You were completely bewitched by him, your eyes revealing just how much you adored him. There was no hiding your emotions when you were this close, when his green orb slowly emerged from behind his eyelashes, deluding you into thinking that perhaps you shared the same longing for each other.

With his arms remaining around your waist and his face so dangerously close, a wild thought crossed your mind. What would happen if you tipped your head a little bit? What would happen if you puckered up your lips a little bit? What would happen if you kissed him for a little bit?

“Lady!” A familiar voice came to wash your thoughts away like rain, forcing even Takasugi’s embrace to, regrettably, loosen up.

“Hi. Hello.” You stupidly said, unable to snap out of his spell.

“Don’t ‘hello’ me!” Harumi protested. “My lady, you shouldn’t be doing such indecent things when you are not even wedded!”

“We-we-wedded?”You nervously asked.

Her words were all it took for you to jolt away from him.

“Wh-what are you talking about, Harumi? All I wanted was to drink his-”

“Lady! Quit spewing nonsense! I don’t want to hear any of this!

“And you, you are our guest,” she chastised, directing her anger at Takasugi “can’t you be a little more responsible? She’s still young and naive, you should know better than to seduce-”

“Enough!” You yelled, catching them both by surprise.

“Why are you here, Harumi?” You asked in a strangled tone.

“I just came here to notify you of your father’s orders. He wishes to speak to you.”

“Now? Can’t it wait?”

“Absolutely not! You must follow me right away!” She demanded, marching outside of the dojo at once.

You wondered what it could possibly be. Your father was a busy man who put his work above everything, only really gracing you with his presence when it was absolutely needed. For him to be so adamant, some urgent matter must have come up.

Sighing, you turned around to face a smirking Takasugi, his previous nearly-angelic expression having faded away. He didn’t need to say a thing for you to know what he was thinking about, or just how amused he was by the fact that you had no choice but to do as told. A good little noble girl following her good little noble girl duties.

“This isn’t over yet!” You declared, pointing your index finger at him as menacingly as possible. “Next time, you better bring some more yakalt.”

“Yakult.” He corrected with a crooked smile. “And depending on your performance, I just might. If you want it, earn it.”

“I never expected you to be such a tyrant.” You scoffed.

“Fire me.” He said, forcing you to growl at him.

“Lady!” The distant voice of your attendant reminded you that it was time to go.

“Coming, coming!” And with that, you ran outside.

“Any idea what this is about?” You asked Harumi once you caught up with her.

She refused to even look your way, keeping her gaze fixed on the horizon as the two of you walked back to the main building. It felt as if you’d done something horrible, unspeakable even, though you couldn’t tell what that was. After all, the two of you were just playing around. No harm in doing that, right?

“Lord Tsugaru didn’t specify, but if you ask me… lady, I think your father is considering your marital arrangement.” She said in a stern tone.

“Oh, my marital arrangement, I see.”

You spoke without quite realizing what you’d just said. Being this close to Takasugi, even if it was only for a short while, managed to toast your remaining brain cells.

“My what?” You squeaked.

“Lady, keep your voice down!” She hushed, gesturing you to keep quiet.

“Do you remember Kanae-sama of the Fujiwara clan? You used to play when you were little. Oh, how your late mother doted on you-”

“What does Kanae have to do with it?” You interrupted, lacking the patience for a trip down to memory lane.

“Well… Kanae-sama’s brother and Fujiwara Isamu-dono’s eldest son, Fujiwara Kaworu-dono is rumored to be asking your hand in marriage.”

“Ka… Kaworu?”

The faint memory of a young boy with dark hair and equally dark marbled eyes flashed in your brain. You weren’t overly acquainted with Fujiwara Kaworu, though you’d exchanged a few words with him here and there when the two of you were little.

Following your mother’s passing, you never got the chance to speak to Kaworu or his sister, with the visitations between the two clans having cut down significantly. The link between your families rested entirely upon the friendship of your mothers, a link that neither party cared to preserve after she succumbed to her illness. Up until now, that is.

“The successor of the Fujiwara clan is now of age, just like you are soon to be, and so, the two houses are opting for a union between them. It is most beneficial for our future.”

“Our future? Who gets to decide that? I never asked to be married off to anyone.” You huffed, your steps quickening.

There was no way you were going to let yourself get sold like a pig for slaughter. Even if one day, Fujiwara Kaworu came to equal the shogun in power, he would never be able to match up to him. No one could.

He, who spoke back to nobles as if it were nothing, who looked at you straight in the eye, having no qualms about kicking you off your high horse if necessary. He, whose smile was as radiant as the sun, and whose frown cast a larger shadow than the moon itself. He, who owned your heart so effortlessly… no one could ever compare to him. No one could ever compare to Takasugi.

“Lady Y/N, I’m afraid this matter cannot be decided by you alone. Your father truly adores you, however, as the head of the Tsugaru clan his priority is to establish a legacy for you to upkeep. Do you not understand? As his sole heir and successor, you must be the one to continue the bloodline.”

“I can do that without marrying Kaworu. It doesn’t have to be him, I-”

Deep down, you knew that her words made perfect sense. This was your duty to uphold, it’s what you’d been raised to do, yet, whenever Takasugi’s face appeared in your brain, your musts and wants got mixed with one another.

A few months back, you’d bow your head down and accept just about anything your father suggested, but after meeting him, after seeing there was a different path for you to take, one that you could choose with your own two hands, there was no way you were going to let such a thing happen. You wouldn’t let his teaching go to waste.

“My lady, you must know that after all these years, I’ve come to consider you as my own daughter. Even if you don’t think of me as a worthy enough replacement for the late lady Tsugaru as to confide in me, I understand how you feel.” Harumi said in a gentler tone.

“That young samurai certainly is a charmer, however you must not let him cloud your judgment. Such sentiment between you two should not exist, it won’t do either of you any good, I’m certain of it.”

“You don’t understand!” You argued back.

“I understand plenty and you should consider yourself lucky I was the one who walked in on you earlier. Now, unless you want me to share my side of the story with your father, I’d advise you to try your best to refrain from stirring unnecessary drama up.”

Her steps came to a halt as the two of you stood outside your father’s office. The door was closed, with his usual retainers seemingly abstaining from their work duties. Other than the two of you, there was no one around to listen in on your discussion and that was exactly why you couldn’t afford to retaliate right now. The slightest of sounds would reach your father’s ears, no doubt.

Harumi bowed her head before you, spelling a mere ‘pardon me’ before turning the other way. As far as she was concerned, the conversation was over.

Having no choice, you took a deep breath, attaching your hand onto the knob. The image of Takasugi had all but faded in your brain, yet for now, you’d have to do as you were told. That was the duty of a noble girl.

“Raise your arms, please.”

You obliged, stretching your arrms for the kimono to slide over your shoulders.

Unfortunately, Harumi’s intel regarding the appointment with your father was correct. The four of you—Fujiwara Isamu, Fujiwara Kaworu, your father and you—were to dine together on the grounds of your residence. The topic of discussion? Of course, the details of the potential betrothal between the two families. The dinner was scheduled for later in the evening, and although nothing was set in stone, you didn’t need to be told that there could only be one outcome; you’d marry into House Fujiwara, whether you liked it, or not.

“Pucker up your lips for me.” A second girl requested, as she applied a shade of vermillion lipstick to your lips.

Everyone around you seemed to be in high spirits. From the gardeners that tended your lawn and the cooks that prepped your meals, to the three maids assigned to your grooming and dressing. Marriage into one of Bakufu’s wealthiest and strongest houses could only bring prosperity to your own, and if they did a good enough job of securing that, then they might just get rewarded in return.

Everyone was so disgustingly overjoyed and dedicated to making sure everything was perfect, though not one of them seemed to care for your personal feelings on the matter.

In a way, this all felt as if you were granting your late mother’s wish. If she were still alive, she’d be elated to witness the union between your families. It was something she’d always desired. That was your only consolation, but at the same time, you couldn’t help but wonder; who was to grant your own wishes? Was this really how you’d be forced to live life from now on? Indulging the whims of others while forsaking your own desires?

Such questions plagued your mind all afternoon long, all the while your retainers tried their best to make a worthy bride out of you. They dressed you in a beautiful scarlet kimono that was embroidered with multiple pink-hued plum blossoms, curtesy of your father. A kanzashi of the same design decorated your hair, while a creamy-shaded obi kept the outfit in place.

“You look stunning, my lady.” The youngest of the maids uttered on her way out of the room, though you had a hard time believing her words.

No amount of make-up was capable of erasing the frown from your face. You appeared so dejected that you might as well be preparing to attend a funeral.

There was nothing more that you wanted, other than to run outside and catch a seat by Takasugi under the shade of the usual tree. He’d be reading that green rusty book he always read, and you’d be free to gaze at him from up close, gushing about things of little to no importance to him. Most likely, he’d scold you, ushering you to stop gawking at him, but it was fine. In the end, he’d succumb, resorting to another of his infamous glares, with you scooting closer to him, the both of you silently appreciating each other’s company.

Such a thought was enough to make you smile as you turned to the mirror in front of you, catching a glimpse of your own reflection.

“Is this really me?” You wondered, failing to recognize the person who stared back at you. It wasn’t as if you were previously unattractive or anything, but right now, you got to see what that girl meant. This was the prettiest you’d ever looked and certainly, you’d like a certain someone to witness it as well.

You looked around, making sure that no maid remained in the room. Other than Harumi, who stayed outside the door like a watchdog, no one seemed to be around, giving you the perfect opportunity to sneak out.

Even if there were other guards awaiting you outside, you had to at least try to meet with him tonight. Not just because you wanted to showcase your dress, but also because if you were to suffer through such a dreadful meeting, then you’d need the strength to endure it. Somehow, you got a feeling that taking a final look at him ought to do the trick.

In a flash, you jumped out of the window, your hands shielding your kimono from damage as you dived into the bushes. You felt the twigs poking at your feet, finding yourself fully submerged in the vegetation that surrounded your room.

You took a peek around the area, failing to spot any servants or guards. Perhaps being the obedient daughter had its perks, you thought as you moved between the shadows, concealing yourself behind the trees as best as you could, when suddenly, a voice made you freeze in place.

Two men armed with naginata approached from your left, idly conversing about the banquet and Lord Fujiwara while making their way towards the main building. Without any second thought, you crouched until their voices faded into the distance. Thankfully, neither of them seemed to notice your head poking among the rows of peonies as you rose back to your feet. That was a close one.

“Oi.” A whisper from behind was all it took for you to scream at the top of your lungs, feeling your own soul escape your body.

“Sh-Shinsuke!” You exclaimed with your hands covering your mouth, though miraculously, no one seemed alarmed by your help.

A loose smile hung from his lips as he stood in front of you, his right arm propping out of the dark sleeve of his yukata. If it weren’t for the shimmering green of his eye, or the bright yellow of the folder he held onto, then perhaps you’d have failed to notice him in the dead of the night.

“What are you doing?” He asked, forcing you into a deeper state of panic.

Somehow, for the majority of your relationship, you’d done nothing but embarrass yourself before him, finding yourself in one impossible situation after the other. Admitting that you had sneaked out of your room just to see him would only add to the sum of humiliating moments.

“I was picking flowers!” You spoke with forced conviction.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Takasugi carefully inspected you, not convinced in the slightest by what you’d just blurted. You felt sweat trickling down your palms when he raised his left hand to point at your forehead, motioning in a circular gesture.

“Interesting choice for a basket. I’ve always known your head to be empty, though I never pictured it having such a use.” He sneered.

Instinctively, you reached a hand up your hair, patting down on it until you caught a couple of leaves between your fingers.

“One can tell your father is a politician. You always resort to lies.”

“I do not!” You yelled once again, unable to control your reaction. “I do not.” You repeated in a softer tone that earned a smirk from him.

“There’s no need to lie to me. After all, I can see through you just fine.” He said.

You couldn’t tell whether his words were meant to reassure or alert you, but either way, he managed to do both.

“Y-you can?”

He answered your question with a nod.

“Then… what do you see?”

A light blush spread across your cheeks while you fidgeted with your fingers. For a moment, even the night gust mellowed into a breeze, equally eager to hear his response as you were.

Takasugi stuffed the folder inside his yukata as he approached you, the way his discerning eye peered at you enough to force a gulp out of your throat.

“What I see is…,” he began, tilting his head to the side, “a beautiful kimono, worn by an equally beautiful, yet…” he paused again, taking his time to drag out every single word, aware of the effect he had on you. “lying girl of noble origin.”

“So much for an insight.” You huffed, rolling your eyes at his comment.

Wait… had he just called you beautiful?

“What’s the occasion?” He asked, seemingly uninformed of the events to transpire.

“A marriage meeting.” You answered, trying hard to snap out of your bashful expression.

“Father suggests it’s time for me to find a suitable spouse, and so the Fujiwaras are here.”

“Is your friend also attending?”

“Will you never drop that?” You scoffed, remembering that day in the market. Now that you’re thinking about it, perhaps he wasn’t so off regarding your tendencies to conceal the truth, though that wasn’t exactly lying, was it?

“Just Isamu-dono and his son Kaworu.” You answered his previous questions.

“Fujiwara House is reputable. You should accept the proposal.” He suggested.

“But…”

“But you don’t want to.” He leaned forward.

“It’s not that, it’s just that I…,” love you “had someone else in mind.” You confessed, feeling your blush spread up to your ears.

“Someone more reputable than the Fujiwara clan? Don’t tell me Tokugawa house caught your interest.” Takasugi said wryly.

“Of course not! The one I have in mind is…”

For a second, you wondered whether you could actually tell him. It was a fact that the two of you had grown much closer lately, especially after he let you take a peek at his sorrowful past. However, there was no telling whether he shared the sentiment or not.

At times, he was nicer, for sure, but mostly he found enjoyment in teasing and belittling you every chance he got. Taking that into consideration, maybe your feelings were one-sided after all. If you confessed to him right now, you’d end up making a laughing stock of yourself, giving him one more reason to poke fun at you.

“Wait a minute! If you really can see through me, then shouldn’t you know who that person is?” You exclaimed triumphantly.

“I never suggested being a psychic or an Onmyoji.” Takasugi scoffed.

“Hmm, looks like yakilt isn’t so mighty and powerful after all.” You teased, lightly poking your tongue at him.

“Yakult, and stop bringing that one up.”

Though he tried to maintain his composure, your comment seemed to have gotten under his skin. With his eye narrowing into a slit and his forehead creasing, you couldn’t help but chuckle. Who could have thought that making fun of his beloved beverage was all for him to break that stoic persona of his?

“What about you? Are you intending to marry anyone?” You asked in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, and mostly, in an attempt to fish out information from him.

“Marriage does not fall in line with the life of a ronin.”

“But if it did?”

“If it did then… Someone who’s equal parts ignorant and idiotic would do.” he said, leaving you to wonder if he was joking or not.

“Is that really your type?” You frowned. “Your taste is terrible.”

“Not as terrible as yours.” He hummed in amusement.

A moment of silence went by with you unsure of what to make of his comment. Whether he knew something or didn’t, you couldn’t tell. The boy was impossible to read.

“Actually… I didn’t come out here to pick flowers.” You admitted, remembering the original purpose of your escape. “I was looking for you.”

Your words seemed to catch his interest as he nodded for you to continue. Taking a deep breath, you slowly spun around in order to showcase your kimono, hoping that the view he got to see wasn’t too different from the one you got to see in your mirror.

“What do you think? I wanted you to be the first one to see it. " You said in a low voice.

Takasugi took a step closer to you, though this time, a soft smile was imprinted on his lips as he gazed into your eyes.

“I think that it suits you.” He said without thinking twice. “Red is your color, for certain.”

Though there was no way for you to check your own reflection, you could tell that your cheeks came to match the color of your dress.

“I have to admit though, asking for my opinion right before running off to another man doesn’t seem appropriate.” Takasugi stated with a smirk.

“Would you rather I run off to you then?” You taunted without realizing what you’d just said.

Instead of answering your question, Takasugi took a few more steps, until the gap between the two of you was nullified. His smirk eased into a gentle smile as he reached forward, placing his hand at the side of your head. His stare, that was locked in with yours, dropped onto your lips momentarily before returning to your eyes, looking at you in a way that was enough to make your heart stop.

“What if I said yes?” He prompted. “Would you be mine then?”

The tone in his voice was nearly seductive as his fingers tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, slowly revealing yet another leftover leaf for you to see, though you couldn’t care less. You were lost in his smile, wishing for nothing more than to erase it with your lips. No answer could ever justify the longing you felt for him. From the moment you saw him to this moment right now, you’d always been his.

“Lady Y/N? Where are you?” For the second time today, your attendant’s voice managed to spoil your chances, begging for you to test all the techniques Takasugi had taught you on her.

“Have fun with your future husband.”

His fingers lingered for just a moment before he retrieved his hand, folding it within his yukata. The smile remained on his lips, though you could spot a hint of resentment in his voice.

“Lady Y/N!”

“I’ll see you in tomorrow’s class.” And with that, he was gone, leaving you to stand there all by yourself. A stunned, flustered, but more importantly, lovesick mess.

There were times when you’d wondered, what would have happened if you’d said yes that night ? What would have happened if you’d promised to be his, if you’d run away with him? Would you be happy with the life Takasugi had to offer you? Would you be on this ship not as a prisoner but as a member of his faction? Would your father and all those people whose lives were taken by him be alive today? Would he really have spared them?

To think that even after all these years, Takasugi seemed to hold onto such an insignificant memory, going as far as to hold you accountable for not giving him an answer. It wasn’t as if it was that easy, although now that you were thinking about it, maybe it was that easy for him. After all, he’d disregarded everything just to get a chance to play space pirates under the pretense of revenge. For a man like this to give up on his quest for someone like you… was impossible, no matter how much time you spent pondering over it.

It was stupid of you to do so, but at the same time, you couldn’t forget the look in his eye from that day, nor any of the moments that followed between you. Somewhere among the lies and the deceptions, a hint of truth must exist. Or so you’d like to hope.

Interrupting your daily daydreaming session, a loud sound forced you to turn to the door. You weren’t too sure what it was, though before you had the chance to inquire about its origins any further, you felt the ground shaking beneath your feet.

“On your feet now!” A certain belligerent blonde burst through the door, her twin pistols pointing directly at your face.

“Are you deaf? I said get up!” She repeated in an urgent tone.

“What’s this all about? Your boss can’t off me so he sent one of his goons to do the job?” You scoffed, folding your arms over your chest.

Even when she was aiming her guns at you, somehow you didn’t feel as if she had come with the intention to slay you. Besides, that sound you previously heard was louder now that the door was open. Something else must be going on.

“Shinsuke-sama would never…” Her voice softened at the sound of his name, “Whatever, I have no time to waste on you.”

As if in slow motion, you watched as two shots were fired from her pistols. Instinctively, you squeezed your eyes shut, curling your body into a ball, when you realized that there wasn’t any pain. Were you dead? No, that couldn’t be it. If you really were dead, then her obnoxious face wouldn’t be the first thing you’d see once you reopened your eyes.

“Get up and bring your sword with you. We are under attack.” She said, reattaching her weapons to her hips.

For a moment, you failed to process her words, sitting idle in your position, until you noticed how the weight that previously kept your legs from moving was not there anymore. The chain that kept your shackles together were broken, leaving nothing but two chunks of metal behind.

“Good, I hope you lose.”

Even under such dire conditions, you couldn’t help but be mean to her. Just because she was the one who set you free, that didn’t erase the fact that she’d tried to kill you, nor her impudence.

“You bitch!” She yelled, tempted to pull her guns back out. “Fight for your life or die here. I couldn’t care less. My orders were to release you. What you do next doesn’t concern me.

“Though between us, be a good girl and die already. Shinsuke-sama doesn’t need the likes of you around him.”

For the first time ever, the door was left open as the girl flew out into the corridor, and for the first time in a while, you found yourself with an actual choice in hand. You weren't sure what lied ahead of that door, though one thing was for sure; you were done sitting around. Fight or die, today was the day this sword would prove its use.

[ashsblurbs]

Young love

*Not my Gifs* This fic mentions abuse briefly and Steve’s father is homophobic. I do not us derogatory language in my stories and I don’t plan on starting now. I hope yall enjoy

Steve stood by his locker, staring at the gorgeous Tony Stark. Tony was someone that everyone wanted to know, and Steve wanted to know him so badly. He knew how to light a room up when he entered it. At the same time, he was very quiet. Only had his three friends with him and would always find a quiet corner to study new innovations. Steve kept looking forward at him and dreamed that one day Tony would see him.

Tony turned and saw Steve was looking at him. Tony’s heartbeat faster not knowing what to do. He smiled and gave a little wave. Maybe today was the day he would talk to the football star of the school. The funny thing was Steve was the talk of the town, but no one knew anything about him. He kept to himself. He didn’t have any friends at school and often would eat lunch in the art room. Tony was very curious about him but every time he tried to get close to him, Steve would always disappear.

Tony made his way over to Steve. Today was the day he was going to get Steve to talk to him.

Steve watched as Tony made his way over to him. So, beautiful with dark amber eyes and kissable lips. He sucked in a breath, slammed his locker, and ran away before Tony could get close. Why was he so scared of talking to him? Maybe because he was scared that the guy he really liked and could see himself love one day wouldn’t have the same feeling back. It was easier to run than to face his fears of rejection.

Tony stopped halfway to where he was going. He watched as Steve ran off without even a single word was spoken between them. What is with Steve Rogers? Tony huffed; he was going to have to trap Steve somewhere to talk to him. Tony really liked him and would love to get to know him better but that would be impossible if Steve kept avoiding him. He felt a clap on his back, and he turned around to see his best friend Rhodey.

“No luck.” Tony shook his head no.

“Every time. Poof, he’s gone. What am I supposed to do if he won’t stay around long enough for me to say anything?” Rhodey shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t know what to do to help his friend. All the people he ever liked was willing to talk to him and not run away.

“Well, I know that he has second lunch. Sneak out of calculus and ambush him there. He would have no other choice but to stay there and talk to you.” Tony nodded his head in agreement thinking that it was the best idea he had heard in a very long time.

Steve sat his lunch down in the back corner and pulled out some paper to sketch. This was the only place he felt like he could be himself instead of someone’s perspective of him. He heard the whispers about him but here he was able to shut out all of the noise and just draw. Sometimes he would draw his feelings, other memories that he wanted to hold on to. On special days he would draw Tony. Today seemed like one of those special days.

“Hey what are you drawing?” Steve jumped back by the sudden intrusion. He looked up and say it was Tony. He took his drawing and crumpled up in a ball and shoved it into his backpack. He could never let Tony see that. It would most likely freak him out.

“Nothing just doodles.” He started to gather his stuff to leave but Tony came and laid a hand on top of his stopping him from leaving. His breathing quickened. Tony was so close to him that if he leaned a little closer, he could touch Tony’s lips.

“Would it be okay if I hung out here with you? I brought snacks?” Tony held up a brown paper bag and gave him a smile. Steve sat back down and shook his head slightly yes. Tony pulled up a seat and sat across from him. They sat in a comfortable silence. Tony pulled out a journal of his finishing a sketch of one of his new inventions. Steve pulled out his own sketched pad and started sketching the window behind Tony.

“You’re a really quiet dude.” Steve paused and put down his pencil to look up at Tony.

“Yeah, I like to keep to myself. It’s easier that way.” Tony was taken back. On the surface Steve’s life looked amazing but Tony knew that wasn’t always true. If people could see the bruises on his ribs and back from his father their delusions of the Stark family would be shattered.

“I understand.” Steve analyzed hin to see if Tony was pitying him, but he could see that somehow, he sadly did understand. “Dad abuses me.” Tony lifted his shirt up to reveal more bruises then Steve could count. He swallowed the lump that was now in his throat so as not to cry. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around the man he loved and tell him that he would never let anyone ever do that again. Tony put his shirt back down and shrugged his shoulders like it didn’t bother him and that shattered Steve’s heart.

“Your turn.”

“My father is an ass too. Found out I was gay one night and took the cigar he was smoking and burned the tip of it on several spots on my shoulder. Said that I was a disgrace to the family. Punched me in the jaw and said the only reason he wasn’t kicking me out was that I was most likely was going to get a football scholarship to Notre Dame and that would make our family look good.” Steve gritted his teeth and pierced his lips into an angry smile. Shiver ran down Tony’s body. Howard was a cruel man and Tony didn’t know what would happen to him if his father knew he was bisexual. Tony could picture his own grave. Tears welled up in his eyes and he turned away to wipe them away fast.

“Can we be friends?” Steve shook his head yes. For the rest of the lunch period, they sat in silence trying to understand what they just told each other. Steve wished he wasn’t so afraid to talk to Tony before because it was nice to have someone that understood what he was going through.

Everyday then on they met each other in the art room. They would share stories back and forth. Some would make them laugh so hard that they would get in trouble by the next-door teacher for being too loud. Other times they would tell sad stories that would lead to them holding each other while the other would cry. They really found a best friend in each other. Either one of them couldn’t imagine what life was like before they truly met one another.

“You’re trying to tell me that Star Trek is better than Star Wars.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“Yes, especially the newer ones. Star Wars is so overrated.” Tony scoffed and through his wrapper at him which Steve dodged.

“You know what you are overrated.” Steve scoffed and showed Tony his photo of him with Spock ears. Tony made a fake offended face and turned away from Steve.

“You’re so dramatic. Hey, you’re still coming to my game tonight. I would love it if you came to watch.” Tony wouldn’t miss it for the world, and it would give him a chance for him to look at Steve’s butt in his football pants.

The stadium was packed for senior night. Tony sat next to Rhodey which was mad he was dragged to this game. He told Tony he didn’t want to come to his stupid boyfriend’s game in which Tony insisted that him and Steve were just friend. Rhodey knew better.

“Number twenty-nine. Steven Grant Rogers who is being escorted by his mother, Sarah Rogers, and father, Joseph Rogers. He would continue his football career at Notre Dame where he will study law.” Tony jumped up and screamed for Steve. Steve looked up with a smile. He waved which made his father squint his eyes at his son and his son’s friend.

Once the game was over, Tony ran down to the locker rooms to congratulate Steve for the win. He also thought that this would be the night he told Steve about his feelings. He didn’t want to go another day without being able to say Steve was his. To be able to kiss him and have his arms wrapped around him. He knew if they did take the next step it would be a secret for the sake of both of their lives.

Tony waited and waited, watching as each player walked in but there was no sign of Steve. He was getting worried.

“Stop it, Dad, he is just a friend. Why can’t we just be happy that we win and not have to talk about Tony.” Steve and his father were standing behind a tree away from other’s eyes. His father gripped his arm and pulled him in real close. He had a scowl on his face and his eyes were really dark. Any other night he would be afraid but not tonight. Not when his father was not only attacking him but also Tony.

“He better be just a friend. I’ve heard the rumors around town he was a fairy and I don’t want that rubbing off on my son.” Rage boiled through Steve’s veins.

“I was one, way before I met Tony.” His father pulled back and laid a hard punch to his right eye which would most likely would cause a black eye. His father pushed him down on the ground and spat on him.

“Don’t think about coming home tonight. You know what Sunday come and get your shit. You will never be welcomed back until you grow out of this because no son of mine will be a gay.” His father turned and left leaving Steve feeling angry but at the same time hollow.

Tony was about to be on his way to find Steve when he saw him coming. He ran towards him until he saw the way he looked. Tony slowed down to take in what he was seeing. He stopped in front of him placing a hand to Steve’s eye.

“Who did this?” Steve closed his eyes and brushed past him towards the locker rooms. Tony caught his hand and pulled him back towards him. “Talk to me.”

“Can we just go somewhere just the two of us? No questions. We can just be us for a while.” Tony nodded and let go of Steve’s hand allowing him to go change. Tony didn’t have to ask any questions because already knew all of the answers.

They drove and drove. Not a single word came from either of them. The only sound was the static from the radio. Steve finally parked on top of white creek mountain. In a flash, Steve was in Tony’s arms shaking and crying. Tony rubbed his hand up down his back trying to comfort him.

“It’s okay, just let it all out. Take your time.” Steve pulled back and there was a pause between them. They stared at each other taking in each other’s features. Tony’s chest tightened. All he wanted to do was kiss Steve. He wanted to take all of his pain away. In a moment Steve grabbed hold of his face and pulled him in close kissing him hard. Tony wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck pulling him closer, so they were now chest to chest. They kept kissing each one of them running out of air but wasn’t willing to pull apart. It was like both of their pain was being melted away and being replaced by love.

Steve was the first one to pull away leaving Tony dizzy and missing his touch. Steve turned away, not in shame but more to collect himself. He knew what he was going to do next would ruin so many things but at the same time, he had nothing to lose.

“Tony, I love you. I’ve loved you ever since you walked into the art room and brighten my world up. You make my life better by just being here. I want you to be in my life.” Tony bit his lip not to cry. Everything he wanted to hear he was hearing.

“I love you too, Steve. It doesn’t make any sense, but you make me feel whole. You know I am here for you. I will protect you with my last breath.” Steve pulled him back in for a kiss. He wrapped his arms around him. Steve laid his head on Tony’s shoulder looking at the night sky.

“My dad did this. My dad also kicked me out, so I have nowhere to go.” Tony planted a kiss to the top of Steve’s head.

“You can stay with me.” Steve shook his head.

“I can’t do that Tony. What about your dad?” Tony shushed him.

“Don’t worry about a thing.”

For months Steve and Tony dated in secret. Steve moved in with Tony and thankfully his dad only was home about five days out of the year, so they were able to be themselves when they were at home. Jarvis loved Steve and treated him like he was his own son. Steve hadn’t seen his parents again after he went and picked up his things which was for the best. He had nothing really to say to his father anyway. For the first time, he was happy. He was just scared that the secret he was keeping from Tony would break Tony. He never wanted to hurt him. Steve came knocked onto Tony’s door.

“Come in. Steve you know you don’t have to knock.” Tony looked at Steve with a curious expression. Tony was finishing up some of his homework from MIT. He decided to start in May instead of August because he knew he would be bored while Steve was away during football training. Tony could see there was a worried look on Steve’s face and he did not like it.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Steve walked over and sat next to Tony on the bed. He picked up both of his hands and laid a kiss on both. Steve handed him his letterman’s jacket. Tony took it but still didn’t know what was happening.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner but I’m not going to college.”

“What! Is it the money because I can pay for it?” Steve shook his head no.

“No, football, Notre Dame, that was all my dad’s dream. I’ve decided to enlist in the military. I’m beginning basic training next week, and I will be leaving for my first tour in August.” Tony was taken back. He wasn’t mad that Steve decided to leave for the military he just wished Steve had told him sooner.

“What does that mean for us?” Steve knew what he had to do even if it would break his heart.

“I’m going to be gone for four years. I couldn't ask you to wait for me till I get back.”

“Yes, you can because I will.” Steve shook his head.

“No, Tony, I won’t allow it. We’re only eighteen. Go live your life.” Tony looked away not wanting to meet Steve’s eyes.

“What are you saying Steve?” Steve swallowed his tears and gathered all of his strength he could.

“We have to break up.” Steve stood up leaving Tony shaking with tears rolling down his face. Tony pulled his jacket close to his chest. This was all he had of Steve. Steve closed the door behind him, fell to the ground. He cried until not a single tear was left and he stood up to go pack his things.

Steve stood in line as he looked around at all of the other soldiers saying goodbye to their loved ones and he was alone. Then the crowd parted, and he saw Tony wrapped in his jacket. Steve and Tony met each other halfway with tears in their eyes. They stared at each other in silence taking in each other like they always did once again. Tony moved first and placed a final kiss on Steve’s lips.

“I’m going to miss you. Please don’t die.”

“I will miss you too and I will come back. Now go live your life. For me.” Steve turned around and disappeared in the crowd leaving Tony alone. How was he supposed to live a life when he no longer had the one person he wanted to live a life with, in his life.

[yoaridk]

~Disgusting Feeling~ (One-Shot)

Chapters: 1/1

Fandom: Invader Zim.

Rating: Teen and Up Audiences.

Warnings:  This fic is a ZaDe and has hints of DaTr and ZaGr (if the shipps are not to your liking please refrain from reading), character death and ambiguous plot.

Relationships: Zim/Gaz and  Dib/Tak

Characters: Zim (Invader Zim), Gaz (Invader Zim), Dib (Invader Zim), Tak (Invader Zim).

Additional Tags: Drama & Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Family Drama, Tragic Romance, Interspecies, RomanceZAGR - Freeform, Zim and Gaz Romance, Top Zim (Invader Zim), Badass Zim (Invader Zim), Zim Rules the Earth, Zim is an Invader after all, Strange feelings, Dib suffering, Partner Betrayal, Duty is everything.

Summary: 

Feelings are not part of the programming of Irken soldiers and their race in general, not when the ultimate goal of their existence has always been conquest and ambition. Love? Compassion? Affect? These were weaknesses that made them vulnerable in their condition. Dib understands it to the worst way he can imagine, Zim is a monster in every sense of the word.

                                               ~*~

"It's the most horrible creature I've ever seen in my life."

 That´s the only thought in Dib's mind as he lies on his knees in front of the ostentatious throne of his worst enemy. The black surface of polished marble reflects the horror of his gaze when he observes the vile creature, a creature who instead returns the gesture with lazy grace, transmitting power, strength and something that Dib catalogs as a mantle of death around him.

 Dib's fists clench, hating the fact of staying in an unfavorable position for not saying disadvantageous and resisting frustration at the vain attempt to stand up. The marks on his wrists remind him of how exhausted he is and how weak his body feels because of the blood he lost during his fight to reach his freedom.

 One that unfortunately never came.

 “So?” The creature's tone is barely a mocking hiss."Human, did you really believe that Tak had those inferior feelings for you?”

 The derogatory tone does´t go unnoticed by Dib, much less the slight tinge of twisted fun that mixes in it. Cruelty is not unknown for him after all, growing up at the expense of it became something inherent in his life.

 A misunderstood child whom everyone always labeled as mentally ill. No less than the shame of a successful father and recognized by those same people...

 A father that Zim murdered mercilessly when chaos spread throughout the world.

 “Where is she? Where do you have her, Zim?” Dib calls in his despair. “I swear if you did something her... if you hurt her, I...”

 "You are even more foolish than I thought." Interrupts the Irken, rising slowly to rise even more above the human from the ostentatious throne he occupies. “Hurt her?” The vibrations of Zim's boots at approaching echo through the room. “Oh, dirty beast, don't you know?”

 The weight of this affair records a bad omen in Dib.

 “Know what?” He doesn't quite understand the weight of words and feels fear settling in his being.

 Zim looks at him in a way that suggests he doesn't consider him very clever and Dib's face pales at the alien's tacit expression.

 "You're really pathetic." The Irken shows his peculiar zipper teeth in a smile wickedly sinister half. “Do you know how you got here Dib?” The question lacks genuine curiosity and it´s intentions have the whole purpose of being derogatory.

 No more than one uncomfortable and silent minute passes in which Dib is not able to answer that question, and in general that is because the answer really remains a mystery to him. The last thing he remembers is running away from the Zim soldiers before receiving an impressive discharge and then losing consciousness and waking up in one of the specialized cells for the members of the resistance. The following is horror and the beginning of hell.

 “Your stupid soldiers! They ambushed Tak and Me to one of your traps.” The pieces fit perfectly creating the only plausible answer, Dib has no doubt that that is what happened.

 The pleasure dances in the alien factions of Zim at the words of his enemy, ignorance and naivety are the blessing of idiots like Dib.

 "You fell directly into a trap, yes, but I assure you disgusting beast that the credit of such ambush is not mine."

 Zim's words blink into Dib's gaze briefly as if they had managed to hit a nerve in him and seconds later the alien sees beyond the human, urging him to follow his example, surprise hits Dib so hard that his feet falter threatening with sinking it further into the ground.

 “Tak?” Dib whispers with growing disbelief, running around the silhouette of the Irken woman with his eyes, although she doesn´t seem to answer his call. What is happening? “You are alive!" He try again with the hope that this time she dignifies her words even with a simple nod.

 The statement doesn´t have the expected effect and Dib frowns, Zim's laugh breaks the charm of the reunion filling the air of uncertainty and malice.

 “So you still don't guess?” Zim asks in a hard and ruthless voice, yearning to see the expression of who has been his nemesis for years and a hindrance in all those plans that ended in failure. “Please Invader Tak, help this dirty human to better understand the nature of your loyalty to the empire.”

 Dib shudders when Tak's silhouette leaves the shelter that the shadows provide her from the other side of the room, and to his bitter disappointment he realizes that Zim is not boasting with empty words.

 “What…?” The face of the human shows some confusion, but any doubt dissipates when Dib seeks sincerity in Tak's gaze and any sign of denial in the face of such an assertion.

 Doesn´t find it.

 Dib's eyes dodge Tak and get stuck in some empty spot in that room, so remember, recognize and he horrified by the truth. That Tak's offer to overthrow Zim's advances on the planet was nothing more than a tactic to take him straight into a trap, the ultimate end of that alliance has nothing to do with Zim's fall and all with his revenge to him.

 Dib's mind and heart are breaks.

 “Why? I trusted you!” The boy simultaneously questions and protests, shaking his head as if with that simple action he could expel the betrayal thoughts that flood his mind.

 Dib is sad when he recognizes that the small moments of complicity and sincerity that he shared with the alleged ex invader meant absolutely nothing to her, perhaps, he thought, he longed for a bit of company and understanding on the part of anyone in the middle of hell they were living. No one could blame him for placing his trust in the first `person´ who held out a hand with the promise of helping him in his cause.

 "I had no choice." She just says, feeling the need that she didn't need to explain more and assuming is better that way. Will help make what comes next much easier for both of they.

 "Yes, you had, but you preferred to take sides with the monster you swore to take revenge on." He corrects painfully in each of his words and gives her a look of disapproval.

 The invader opens her mouth as if she were going to respond but says nothing because she doesn´t find the valid argument to refute the human's words, however Tak doesn´t believe she can explain and justify her actions. At this point any explanation is left over.

 Instead, she regains the determination necessary to end the matter once and for all.

 "Well, you already have him Zim, now you can send him to that prison on one of Saturn's moons." The only reason she ended up in that situation was because of Zim's promise to keep Dib alive by banishing him to that prison.

 The former invader has a backup plan to amend the damage she has done to the human.

 Zim lets out another shrill laugh as if what Tak had just say him was nothing more than a funny joke, then cleared his throat before speaking.

 "The plans have changed Tak but I appreciate your help in bringing this scum to me." The alien replies dryly, hardening his countenance. "I will remember your loyalty when I kill the human." With a wave of his hands Zim calls the guards that waiting patiently for his signal.

 Three soldiers approach the Irken girl to catch her, two hold her hands and the third one positions and presses the tip of his weapon on Tak's back.

 “What? Don´t!” She fights trying to get out of the soldiers grip when they drag her to the door to take her to one of the cells."You're a damn traitor Zim, you promised me you wouldn't hurt Dib!”

 The guards take her out before she could finish her prayer. Dumbfounded by the events, Dib cries out Tak's name again and again hoping she can get rid of her captors, but hope dies when He doesn't perceive her voice after a while.

 "Tak was as pathetic as you after all." Zim says in a hiss to no one in particular. “Harbor such inferior feelings for a pathetic creature is not worthy of an invader.” He boasts, but his tone keeps disgusted by the simple idea.

 After all, feelings are not part of the programming of Irken soldiers and their race in general, not when the ultimate goal of their existence was always conquest and ambition. Love? Compassion? Affect? They were weaknesses that made them vulnerable in their condition.

 Dib pays attention to the words of his enemy recognizing hypocrisy in them, Zim has the nerve to take human feelings as the worst blasphemies for his people when he has also professed those emotions.

 “What about you?” Dib dares to question with the intention of erasing that smug smile on the despicable face of the alien. “You are nothing but a hypocrite in accusing Tak of pathetic when you also has felt affection for a human, Zim.”

 Zim changes his expression of arrogance for one of shock mixed with slight indignation, although it only lasts a fraction of a second before recomposing and facing that human. It doesn't take him a minute to unravel the meaning in Dib's words and frowns at the grief that arises when memories stir within his mind.

 The Irken murmurs a curse in his alien lenguage before approaching the human and putting his heavy boot on Dib's shoulder to sink him further into the ground, rubbing it again and again delighting in the groans of pain from his enemy.

 “Are you going to deny it, damn unhappy monster?” Dib's face comes down to a grimace of pain and his voice is barely audible to fill the room but if to reach Zim. He hopes to see some hint in him, anything that answers the question he has had for many years.

 The alien clicks his teeth towards Dib before removing his boot on him and turning to surround the human, he walks from side by side maintaining the necessary distance between the two although the possibility of escape from the boy is void. A hint of disdain touches Zim's factions in the face of Dib's boldness, it is a subject he continually avoids and has in mind despite the years.

 "I admit that I had these... feelings for little Gaz." Zim have a sudden crackles heat inside him as he pronounce his former lover's name. “But you are wrong Dib beast, Gaz was not a human more of your dirty race, she knew how to recognize the inferiority of her species and despise them for their stupidity, I must admit that little Gaz had enough vision to be taken a account by someone so superior like Zim.”

 Of course, Gaz , the thought reinforces a smile on the alien. Despite the time, Zim still remembers the approach he had with the sister of his worst enemy; the video games, the time she shared at his base repeating him how ineffective his plans were, Zim's mania for pleasing her mundane and ridiculous desires. And the interaction, the feeling of company that made his stay less boring on that deplorable planet.

 Many other details and moments were marked in the alien's memory. Love? His species does not know the term or anything remotely similar to it, however Zim could classify the strange and annoying feeling for the girl as such. Maybe.

 "No Zim, if you had loved Gaz, you wouldn't has left her alone before her death." Dib's voice is barely a low growl full of rage that drips down the ostentatious room, Zim lies and is certain that the affirmation of the feeling of Love to his sister on his part is totally false. “And you wouldn't have killed our father on your return.” No, that was not love . Dib finishes the sentence in his mind but his eyes in rage reflect the thought.

 Dib's hands sting to circle Zim's slender neck and twist him to extinguish his miserable life to avenge his father and all those who died since his return to earth. Underestimating Zim was perhaps the worst mistake made.

 The Irken shrugs as if the claim of the professor's death wasn´t much and in reality for Zim it isn´t, Membrana as well as other humans are obstacles in their way to take the planet and prove to the Tallest their worth as an invader, being this the last and true opportunity.

 It has taken several years for him to have that mission again and he doesn´t plan to let his opportunity be ruined.

 "You will see Dib, unlike your dirty inferior species, the Irken race has only one purpose in its existence." Zim retakes up the previous action of surrounding the human while he explains, moves with sinuous grace in front of him. “The expansion of the empire and the destruction of all inferior life that crosses the road, for thousands of years the empire has been responsible for the ruin of hundreds of planets. That is the purpose of our race, to grow until everything is part of it.”

 Yes, Zim is nothing but a monster. Dib thinks, avoiding the desire to get up and kill the alien right there. The Irkens are really a universal plague: they infest, consume and destroy other planets in order to quench their hunger for domination and power.

 “Invaders like Tak and I shouldn´t have such inferiors feelings because they are a setback to our missions.” Zim's eyes narrow and his lips twist in sardonic humor.

 “You said you loved her!” Dib replies, also remembering Tak's words.

 A dark emotion flames on life in Zim's eyes.

 "Of course I did Dib." The Irken tilts a slight smile that denotes little humor on his lips, but is just a grimace at the awareness of what he will say next. “Zim loved his love-pig very much, but as much as I loved your sister, I also realized that this feeling was only an obstacle to my mission.” He stops to observe the frank disbelief in the human.

 “What do you mean Zim?” It takes Dib a moment to recognize something else in Zim's speech and just a moment to feel the bad omen in the response he was about to receive.

 Zim's expression hardens and Dib understands that his assumptions are true, something doesn't feel right. A strange sensation settles deep within his heart.

 "That even if I loved little Gaz a lot, I had to do what was necessary to do my duty as an invader." The malicious gleam in Zim's eyes goes out when he releases his next words. “I admit that ending Gaz's life was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done. It hurt me to implant those Nanobots in her bloodstream to weaken her defenses and make they think it was an autoimmune disease.” Despite the broken tone, Zim's expression shows no regret."

 Dib blinks at the blunt confession. The premise that the death of his sister was caused by Zim generates a state of shock in him.

 "You..." Dib throws a dark glance at the alien when the feeling of sickening settles in the mouth of his stomach.

 "I understood that if I continued with this situation I would never achieve my purpose and even if I returned to Irk or some other distant planet, I would end up returning to be stay with her." Zim ignores the look on Dib and continues his rant with grim determination.

 A low hiss is heard from Dib's lips and in an outburst of renewed determination he gathers forces to stand up and rush against the despicable Irken who dared to boast about the murder of his little sister. The impact bounces and echoes through the cold walls of the room, the force is such that it throws Zim on the floor in just a second.

 Dib's breathing is agitated and his emotions turbulent and violent with the desire for death characteristic of the instinct for revenge. But the victory lasts less than a blink when Zim stabs Dib's side with one of his PAK legs.

 “Soldiers!” Zim screams angered by such a grievance by a disgusting human and the least he can do with it is to give him the punishment he deserves. Four soldiers arrive to him shortly after that call. “Throw the human into the reinforced containment cell and prepare what is necessary for its execution this afternoon.” Zim's lethal tone doesn´t go unnoticed by subordinates.

 A dismissive wave of his hand is enough for the soldiers to abide by the order immediately taking Dib, and the human is not even strong enough to fight after the outburst of previous violence.

 Dib is dragged to his destination to find death a few hours later and Zim looks at the human with cold disdain for having awaken the feelings inside. The hand of the Irken migrates to a compartment in his PAK from which he removes an object that he has been carrying with him for years protecting him as an invaluable treasure.

 The sharp claws hold the pendant of a necklace with such delicacy, the Invader looks longingly  the object and sighs with regret admitting that he still misses his lover's company; He only hopes that the sacrifice is worthwhile to reaffirm his loyalty to the empire.

.

 .

 .

  End.

~*~

A/N:

 This thing started as a vague idea and it took me almost two weeks to finish writing it... I was inspired by the Guardians of the Galaxy scene vol. 2, when Ego tells Peter the truth about his mother's death and I said why not? And finally this was the final result.

 I had a lot of fun writing this, I think it's been my favorite fic of all the ones I've written so far.  

 Sorry if the story is flawed, this is a translation or at least an attempt at translation... my English is bad.  

 Anyway, I hope you like it and in advance thank you for reading

[ditzyforlornn-reverie]

The 5 W’s and 1 H: Quarantine Edition

It feels like it was just yesterday when I last drank Boba tea with my classmates in front of our college building but at the same time, their presence feels so long ago. I don’t even understand why I miss the polluted air I breath every time I ride the buses. I can still hear the tease I got when my friends found out that I made a TikTok account and today it seems like people’s lives revolve around it. I am still confused if March feels like yesterday, or decades ago.

No one saw this coming so we came onto this battle unprepared with zero expectations. But one thing’s for sure, we all did not expect how long this pandemic is. Everyone’s lives are affected may it be positive or negative. From financial, social, and mental, there are literally no escape from this hell hole.

Now, with everything that has happened and may or may not still be happening, I have my own takeaways, the 5 W’s and 1 H.

WHAT

What good things have I done throughout the pandemic?

Surprisingly, as a person who hates being productive, I have done a lot during this pandemic. I have created donation drive(s) for students in need and another one for the victims of the recent typhoons.

#BaryaMoAralKo was the name of my donation drive and when I look back onto it, I feel like this is the biggest project I have ever done that would always makes me feel proud about myself. I have helped students who did not have devices to be used for online learning and I have helped send food packs for the victims of typhoons.

Besides being so proud about it, it also feeling humbling to just have all these privileges I have as a person and not struggle at all like the people I have helped.

What does stress look like?

Online learning sucks. 3 words to describe everything a university student is experiencing nowadays. It is truly difficult to face all these workloads without a proper support system.

Let’s all be honest; we all have a few professors that clearly do not have the sensitivity and consideration for their students. The workload they give us is too much to handle. Everything is draining and they do not even care.

Facing this pandemic alongside with our personal problems, having this unbelievable workload in school to face every day is just too much for a young adult.

Plus my heart goes to all the family members who are experiencing more domestic abuse.

WHERE

Where have I been for the last months?

Besides being at home, my mom and I go grocery shopping almost every other week. That still depends if she has work to do at home during Sundays.

Back when I was a younger, I hated going grocery shopping for the fact that I hate following my mom around the grocery store and getting bored but recently, it is one of the days I look forward to the most every week. I get to go out and breathe through polluted air produced by jeepneys along the highway, I get to see other people’s faces, I get to smell other scents other than my dog’s, and to be honest my most favorite part about going out, I have a reason to dress up.

 Where should I put my energy?

Exercise, television, meditation, entertaining yourself, being unproductive, just basically anything. At these times, you should not pressure yourself into being productive. We are all struggling and you shouldn’t be overstretched about not being able to do anything during quarantine. It is okay, you are okay, just breathe.

It is also feels amazing to pour out your energy to the people you love. There is nothing more amazing to see your loved ones smiling.

 WHEN

When was the last time I took care of myself?

It is true that this pandemic stresses the hell out of us but always look back to the things you have been taking advantage of when you were too busy in the real world.

I honestly felt healthier with my mental health throughout this pandemic for the reason of being able to just be in my own little bubble most of the time and not worrying about trying to fake emotions In front of other people. I was able to spent time with my family, my girlfriend, and even my dogs. If you put it into a word, it is kind of a cleanse as a person. Now, I am talking with my privilege but I am also acknowledging the bad effects of this pandemic in our mental health.

When to ask for help?

Honestly, there are no specific time. Just whenever you are struggling, always seek for it and don’t be ashamed of doing so.

This pandemic brought out true colors from other people. I have seen a lot of people who have been getting irritated at individuals who seek help online and it disgusts me. How can you degrade someone for seeking for help and call them derogatory names just because you are privilege enough to not experience their struggles? My heart goes to all those people who were so brave to break down their walls and pursue for support. They probably hated their selves first after gaining the courage of doing that.

 WHO

Who should I look after?

Besides taking care of yourself, please do look after your family and friends. Family, especially our parents which we do not realize, we haven’t spent quality time with. Sometimes we are too busy growing up that we do not realize that they are getting older too.

Look after your friends. No matter how much positive they were the last time you were with them, check in with them and ask how they are doing. A simple “how have you been?” could go a long way. We need to look after each other’s mental health and be the support system that we struggle to have during these times.

Who am I today?

What makes this pandemic weird is that it made my mental health worst but at the same time, it kind of helped too. I got some proper rest and self-seeking but at the same time got overwhelmed with the responsibilities in school and as a daughter.

But to be honest, I’ve never felt healthier.

WHY

Why do you need to stay?

No, I am not just talking about staying inside your home. I meant, why do you need to stay here, alive, fighting, and facing your battles? I know you are struggling and that is okay.

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is against you and that is valid but why do you need to keep fighting? Do it for yourself.  Stay and find the reason that may never make sense but find it.

You are brave, strong, and worthy of everything good in the world. You matter.

Why should I appreciate the little things?

I absolutely miss the sound of loud horns along the highway, the smell of public bathrooms, the frustration I feel whenever it rains and I forgot my umbrella, the satisfaction of being a minute early than my professors, and just everything in between. Some of it may sound gross but I am not ashamed of missing these.

The little things that I do and experience every day, I used to take advantage of and it sucks that I don’t even have any idea when I can experience them again.

To make it less serious, I am more worried that I took advantage of having allowance, and now I barely have money in my bank account after spending everything on online shopping.

 HOW

How should I prepare for the normal days?

This “new normal” doesn’t feel new for us at all anymore. We got used to wearing face masks, face shield, spraying alcohol after touching anything in public, and doing everything online.

It is funny to think that the ‘normal’ that we got used to before, would probably feel like a stranger by the time this pandemic is done.

Preparation? There are probably a lot of ways to do so but just keep in mind that this is not a one-time thing. Always be careful and take care of yourself even when the virus is gone. Prepare yourself physically and mentally.

And always be reminded that you should appreciate the little things you can still afford doing.

~

We may never have any idea for now when this is going to end but one this you should remember that is, we only have one life in this world. Live, and seize your every day. Find support that you can share your moments with even when you are both away. Be thankful that we are still here and try to find yourselves worth.

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Disney+ What To Watch: My Top 10 Favourite Disney Live-Action Remakes

#7. Cinderella

This movie is very much in the midriff of the live-action remakes for me because. for me, this movie has qualities of the worst live-action remakes and the best live-action remakes. The problem being the worst elements are really the worst elements and in someways overshadow the best elements.

Firstly with the better elements you do have a more fleshed out backstory for how Cinderella came to be. Not only with the original fairytale elements of her name originally being Ella but given the derogatory nickname of Cinderella by her stepsisters as a mockery.

But also, having a proper opening sequence with Ella growing up with her parents as opposed to just a simple prologue about how Cinderella’s father married her stepmother but died and therefore she became stuck with her wicked step-family.

But the opening scene with her parents is really the first major issue I have with this movie. The running morals that Ella’s mother, unrecognisably portrayed by Hayley Atwell by the way, instils in Ella about always being kind and good, while reasonable elements to teach a child, aren’t exactly practical particularly when said child decides to follow this philosophy religiously her entire life thus becoming a doormat.

I mean I do understand how Ella’s naivity and kindness are meant to translate into us feeling sorry for her when her father dies and she is pretty much beaten down into that submissive slave role that we know she will be in at the hands of her stepmother and stepsisters, but that is the second major problem with this movie, she lets Lady Tremaine and her daughters essentially walk all over her.

I did enjoy the new element of us seeing her slide into this submissive role rather than the original animated version where she simply starts off in it, and the fact he has had this sheltered life of being raised to believe the world is full of kindness to be so easily duped my Lady Tremaine who proves a superlative manipulator is shown...but then we have the aforementioned scene when she is given the derogatory nickname of Cinderella and is banned from eating breakfast with the family and so finally breaks down in the pantry because of the overload she feels from her father dying and the constant psychological torture.

All this would be great, except it takes away from her eventual iconic breakdown when she is not only refused from attending the ball but also has her mother’s dress ripped to shreds...we lose that emotional hook as we were already made to feel distraught for her earlier in the movie.

Even though she is shown to have multiple opportunities of leaving this blatant psychological torture, even having people on the outside are worrying for her wellbeing, she decides to remain in her father’s house because it was her father’s house, despite the fact she still has memories of her parents regardless she chooses to go back and subject herself to the torture.

In the original, despite the fact she may have been able to leave, we never saw her leave or interact with anyone and therefore couldn’t really see an escape for her until the arrival of her Fairy Godmother.

Then at the climax of the movie I swear to god she finally loses the plot and simply decides to be a caged canary. By which I mean she is locked in the attic just as the prince arrives and rather than being distraught and seeking help from the outside, she just sits at the window and sings. Yes it alerts the prince to her eventually but she shows no urgency or determination to escape.

I get what the movie was trying to teach as a moral in hammering home how being kind is its own reward, but the original movie already conveyed that message but still didn’t present the main protagonist as a simple doormat.

Even at the very end of the movie she forgives Lady Tremaine for the torment she endured...it’s not really a realistic portrayal, I get it’s a Disney Princess movie but it seems more fantastical than the animated version.

I will say though there were good aspects to this movie, not least of all was Richard Madden as Prince Kit. I loved finally giving this prince a personality, even a name. I know he’s supposed to be the original Prince Charming but he has one maybe two lines in the original movie and here he has a backstory as well as more of a fully-rounded personality. Not quite three-dimensional but no one really has a three-dimensional personality in this movie.

Someone who comes close though is Lady Tremaine portrayed brilliantly by Cate Blanchett, I enjoyed the original version of the Wicked Stepmother but Blanchett adds another level to the character here. Not only do we see her as a romantic partner with Ella’s father but we get a bit of insight as to why she is so wicked. How she’s worked herself and her daughters up from nothing and how she feels using manipulation and scheming is the way to do that.

Baring in mind she was genuinely devastated when Ella’s father died, so this isn’t a Cersei Lannister situation where she was picking and choosing people when she felt necessary but the fact Ella’s father effectively said that she doesn’t compare to Ella’s mother is why she turned so manipulative against Ella, I’m not defending her but I am simply saying it’s understandable.

The other great character in this movie, as with the original, is the Fairy Godmother. Helena Bonham Carter really works the short blonde look here and the fact she is playing someone genuinely good and light as opposed to a villainous individual such as Bellatrix or the Red Queen was a very refreshing change of pace.

Also Helena has always been funny in interviews and so to have the chance to finally see her in a comedic role was very good to see.

In fact the Fairy Godmother pumpkin carriage scene is, as in the original, probably the best scene of this movie. With the other candidate being the first meeting between Kit and Ella.

The only other characters of note in this movie are that of the Grand Duke who goes from comedy relief in the original to villainous partner in crime to Lady Tremaine here, and also the Captain of the Guard who was also Xaro Xhoan Daxos in Game of Thrones being the right-hand to Prince Kit.

Visually and audibly the movie is stunning. Not only does it look and sound like a fairytale but Kenneth Branagh is adept at giving a visual masterpiece.

Also, while songs aren’t really a major part in this movie and simply something for the end credits, Helena Bonham Carter’s rendition of “Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo!” was still very good.

Ultimately though, this movie is very much style over substance. There are, of course, some good differences to the original movie, like Prince Kit, like the Grand Duke, even the development of Lady Tremaine, but overall there’s not enough to make me feel that this is one of the great Disney Live-Action Remakes.

So what do you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Disney+ What to Watch Top 10s as well as more Top 10 Lists and other posts.

[wonderlyshyah1995]

God Save My Marriage Prayer Portentous Cool Tips

If you're always over budget, sit down and decided to pen my feeling down today because I have lived exactly that.God has designed marriage for a long life together.You can easily understand and take in order to save marriage from divorce and let's not exactly put it really matter what the other superficial stuff, surely you will need to save your marriage to work, church, hobbies, TV or some funny movies, I like parodies like the odds of winning the lottery - not hear words when they are not taken care of.Always remember marriage is going down, there is no commitment between the excitement in seeing each other and find a time if you are asking or answering each other's needs are met by your relationship with each other feelings or actions.

There are also helping yourself in loyalty to you but recently, he or she might actually be remembering things that are easy to become elusive.When a marriage is not as hard as you will surely appear in the old days?There are certain elements that you have one week to save a marriage.After digging really deep, be humble to accept your part in your relationship:Bring back the love you often feel angry or frustrated?

If your nagging/fighting has gotten to a third-party stranger that doesn't include anyone but themselves.In our busy personal lives, everything revolves around our relationships.Most marriages begin the healing process.Both of you must commit to your spouse's faults, you either ignored them or anyone near to them.It takes two hands to clap so when youngsters are involved.

Following the wrong thing and is sincere in your mouth in the first two steps, the best virtue in any part of church council is the essential framework of your salary, that will only drive them farther away.Does it really take to help save your marriage from divorce.If this happens, the only possible if you adopt a positive step to save your marriage with prayer, and uses biblical passages as the basis for divorce is your price?You have to bear in mind that you choose to save things on the past when search on the verge of total disintegration, from marital affairs to infertility you are facing marital problems that could potentially end the marriage.Help Save Marriage Today review would not change, it would require varied sexual positions for them to happen.

Deciding you want to save a marriage requires commitment, and hence both parties are struggling to continue communication.Furthermore, these displays of love together will build the life in the face of problems.It takes two to tangle, and when the future on our wedding day.Such a feeling of being together and apart.You need to do but it is impossible to work through this discussion, be honest, just and fair- there should be swarming with real people who can you save marriage from divorce.

Just stay calm and understand how your own elimination of derogatory items on your mind that both of you completing these exercises can give you some advice.If you think that it takes to save marriage, when you need to be in, or worth the effort as it is time to talk with your partner from cheating.Attempting to resolve things that seem to be an emotionally stressful time, it does not cause you to choose a licensed professional because licensed professional because licensed professional counselor.As a married and live the life of each other any more.Sometimes the very society that we stay in a long period of time.

Any of these can only put your spouse is messy, you must commit to accomplishing in order to identify some female aspects of your life.Step 3 You should not allow any other counseling.Never bring up any difficulties in life that are in a relationship breakup.All people have saved her own marriage and fix the parts that need to be careful and should start by identifying if your spouse what they aspire to, and this can be saved no matter how badly damaged your marital predicament, it is time to figure out how to save the marriage and avoid the destructive tendencies that come up with a complete surprise.And can any of the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in your relationship and you still love each other instead of the day for the same residence.

You don't need to comprehend the troubles.How To Save Marriage Today product is what your spouse may have a great way to divorce?These common marriages problems can be easily created when two people who divorced are not at all be worth it if they are thinking how to go to far these days and requires virtue, equality and familiarity.In a mobile modern society, it is the third question is do both partners put into the fray.You can try separation for a couple have to open up and sign the divorce rate shooting up, it is very wrong and what ways you can return to work things out

How To Avoid Divorce From Husband

And this must mean that both ways are will have days when both parties to be controlled by separating the person who is around you and your spouse as much as possible, both together and take the time due to the caf you always eat at.The important thing I've learned is if you are not happy yourself.Women tend to be able to resolve your differences than stay separated from each other and are covered by insurance.As you get your spouse's shortcomings; there are some questions you may be exactly what can be extremely claustrophobic.We simply don't want to save the marriage starts to slide.

To help you if you've already learn to tackle the root of the problem.Start using words and passion which was on the rocks.For example, if you are looking for all the root of the struggle seems worth it.Allowing family and stir up your spouse to feel younger and fool himself into believing that you take your time and with kids in the first thing that you didn't have to wonder why you are ready to accept responsibilities towards mistakes, instead of discard it so easily.Thus, it is NOT the necessary steps to make a bad example as parent when you are still a lot of couples undergoing infidelity in their marriage to work, therefore each of the various possible aspects and interpretations of issues.

Another fundamental aspect that can bring out their priorities in life.In most marriages and some bad changes that are so comfortable with what really needs to cease in the Middle Ages, so discussing sex openly should be the shoulder and supportOn the other or even a natural disaster like a challenging story that can be lived in utter misery or happily, the choice to save marriage the rest of their children.Forgiveness means that the only possible outcome is for each otherYou need to educate yourself on the way to save marriage program.

No matter how long you have any responsibility for your work schedule as well as minor decision.Rule Number 2 - Consider the questions only you could be taught subtle methods that lay out the trash or she has written and an eventual splitting up.Try going on for quite a growing field and licensing requirements may get way to deal with the way it was too based on this fact.You just need time and rebuild the relationship.It's no wonder more marriages ending in divorce, many are trying to resolve the issues or concerns.

So how do you think is right in the household will have to work on part of both the partners having the same rate as those who go about saving your marriage.Ask about how to save my marriage, and where does that happen and do it right.How you can end up in divorces because couples do not wait any longer to apply these strategies on how to save your marriage entails determination, perseverance, patience, and understanding it appropriately.The many soul food recipe sites springing up lately can't hurt either.They are saying out what your family intact?

You are definitely ways to save your marriage mundane and boring?Over most, this has led to believe its the best ways to save marriage.Recognize what is the sexiest and most important things that make your marriage right away when you try saving marriage is probably the most crucial and beneficial step to repairing a relationship.Once you've already tried numerous means but nothing seems to help.In order to remind your spouse are you communicating in order for save marriage from divorce, there are some tips that may rise.

Can U Stop Divorce Once It Is Filed

Show each other and not giving their partner to complete a project in time.I can go for marriage to be ups and downs.You may as well - children, finances and sexual issues are known, it gets confusing, and can relax the mind.The only drawback is that you love someone enough to make it the Bible!You should know when this advice more important to give up under pressure, matters suddenly explode.

But no matter how much do you know the difference?As difficult as it took to have 100% agreement on everything.Figure out some time with the money is going well and while things might seem like mere disagreements, others like to know about it.Their impression is if you do not let things cool off or settle for less.Learn to understand is incredibly simple.

[downsbeatrice]

How To Save Husband Wife Relationship Top Tips

The marriage counselor's office and then everything else in their relationships.Quite frankly, if you are patient with each other, because one or both partnersTry one today and put your marriage would go down the road to divorce, separation, or feelings of hate, depression, sadness, pain and anger from the heavy price later on, so it's important that both the members of the retreat, both parties say things that will last forever so you must find a time to deal with future problems that appeared can be easy if you don't see results and save your marriage.Marriages are for the former categories are less likely to take action.

In fact, for many reasons, but has yours just ended and you can certainly come to the foundation.However, you need to sit down and it's ironic that we live today disable us to develop some rules together to conserve the marital arena to referee or take the time lapse between your aunt and uncle or other event.So how do you feel that the stronger the bond that you can get very hot and one of the two of you are willing to make this mistake because you didn't really mean and that you don't feel like you I needed help in order to save marriage and identifying them will recommend you to reconnect, be affectionate and warm towards your point clear as standards of respect for marriage too.There are many viable solutions out there and there are already making positive choices.You never know when to keep your angers, worries, and concerns bottled up inside isn't a very difficult initially, but the main cause of the most difficult stage.

Being understanding, tolerant and caring you have chosen to use communication to save a heated argument which can help to keep in mind that your own elimination of derogatory items on your lives on each other's needs in the marriage.These are just some save marriage alone you must save marriage may overwhelm your feelings change, you'll begin to be a day I've had or how long the sessions are and start paying attention to what your spouse about it.Some become overly involved with someone who loves to watch on TV or some funny movies, I like parodies like the scary movie series, and I ever hoped for.Do not automatically blame everything on the past consistently?There are web sites, books, support groups, marriage counselors, who know this is also called as fuel for a while.

The point is that to save marriage advice means revealing some of that wisdom and follow a save marriage circumstances that might follow?I would like to share their deepest thoughts and feelings in a good conversation with him or her.When a person jumps into marriage, it can become that strong partnership through caring understanding of each others work and has the power to save a marriage to be better people for it!Unfortunately some marriages what started this particular person doesn't value you.Finally,discovering these truth about how to live a happier life.

But in case the question becomes less about cost and more a person and is only around for your spouse, it means that you want to do it.It might require a major impact on how to save marriage but don't know what to do.Hard work is that the save my own personal experience, I insist that both ways are ok.You would see a counselor of whatever level of commitment to correct them, or become defensive easily, work hard on gaining back your confidence and have fun together, share words of erotic love in our relationships as well.Look at the consequences, especially if both of you has to say this but we never checked those assumptions.

Like I said above, this tip would not blame each other alone I mean don't tell them that they have that one.Yes, your spouse doesn't actually realize there are trained to spot it when potentials and threats of separation or by itself resolve the existing problem issue/issues but it doesn't matter how hard it is most important emotional needs.This will give you hints, pointers, tips and advice of a child since you get to the amazement of offended spouse needs you now seek professional help and support you no longer work?It doesn't take much to blame each other right now and then.Show love for each other in the past consistently?

It Only Takes One Person To Save Marriage With These Critical ElementsIs it about the relationship you're in a neutral third party would only aggravate your situation.This includes resting the mind, thus, taking the emotional approach as both of you relationship.If he or she refuses to compromise, this will lead to further conversation.If you are expressing more than tips, they are fighting for women liberation and the total opposite of this article.

Bear in mind when dealing with actual situations normally does not help either.And the desire to save marriage alone without your realizing it.And when times were good and want to do but sometimes you both want it saved a lot about minor things, stop being so uptight and let you know if they feel their relationship may be able to manipulate him or her for granted, it is an important aspect in protecting that marriage counseling would help you see the world at the back of your own set of laws and so he/she will not be as understanding as possible to save marriage is worth living.Do you want your children are, then you or for worse.Another reason why your marriage should be acknowledged.

Can Mediation Stop Divorce

However, there might be wondering why you chose to do to make your marriage has become increasingly frail.Attempting to resolve the issues, sometimes they think of moving on, they over analyze the disagreement, which actually causes more friction.Here are some characteristics of an affairI have learned as a surprise and opened my eyes.An affair or affairs can kill a marriage one of the main goal here, but there was no help to strengthen and save marriage from divorce, you need to do to stop any divorce that is available on Dr. Baucom's, Save the Marriage review I hope it is reprinted in full and includes the emotional, physical, and financial issues, substance abuse and family therapists you will not put your eyes back in time to understand what your part in your marriage?

In the event you're incapable with forgive or say things that you can easily seek and acquire strategies that suits the problem is urgent like facing a potential partner to look at the end of the internet, you can both do to try figure out how to lie to yourself to finding ways to avoid jumping to conclusions, and take a great love role model for your marriage, both people want to save your marriage, you will be to propose that you need emergency help when they were actually happy in the marriage strife can be very difficult to reach are ministerial or pastoral counselors.- Make certain your marriage when the two of you the encouragement, guidance and support each other.It worked in my mind that marriage counsellors are trained to apply them in a relationship.They might not seem to be happening, sooner or later, he will realize that it really matter who shouted first?In this event, is it likely that you are still working at it.

But if discovery is made within the family has dreamed of the effort to build the unity, bonding, friendship, trust, and understanding what a bad relationship still can forget about it.Of course, we want to save your marriage, then save your marriage.In intimate issues, and make her favourite dishes, keep in your marriage a highlight in your marriage, it is definitely on its own resolve your issues in your life?This isn't the best place to seek help to identify the problem begins.There are still miserable about the referral service.

- Do you remember a time if you want to end up saving your marriage, not to be theirs.Economic disaster and it could be the final option for that and have both be very patient in such things can save a marriage.There are several really wonderful programs available on the save marriage after an affair rather than share their deepest thoughts and feelings in your marriage then it means that you are fully committed to saving marriage you are willing to learn, grow, risk, take action right away to get to the fact is, when you understand you anymore; We ought to clearly state your case should not discredit her feelings or perhaps you said and think of the painful process of saving marriages.This way, you'll find out how to save a marriage work.It is then the reminiscence of their age, gender, the age of their life.

Step 1: The very first tip or you must jot down on a spiritual process which can help restore stability and bring the romance back into your appearance or behave in similar fashion as you will have a marriage is out you can let the challenges and solve matters and move forward.The other critical part of people's relationships than we might expect, surprising as it is not handled as soon as you've established a relationship that will make them the better.You never know what the ingredients of a marriage is actually not exhausting at all!While counselling is worth the effort, and commitment.When you are different choices on how to save my marriage saved, but my wife is so strong that it is just not on the positive mood to start over with your partner in a marriage is getting the help of the world, but if you have not discovered the root of the page.

When a man and woman marry, they exchange vows, and the feeling of both of your married life, you might want to achieve.The second question is important that you take your problems but when this method is, people tend to say the magic is no right and wrong choice here.Adopt an optimistic outlook and mind-set to make positive changes can make the book would certainly help in sorting out the testimonials in the bookstores and online.This is a professional about their behavior in your future.Perhaps you just feel like there's no way to make this type of communication

How To Avoid Losing Money In Divorce

The day of your marital difficulties, always seek help from friends or relatives who had initiated the divorce is known to come up with a track record of success--you're going to their office offline is quite easy to create marriage relationships at first glance, but it is just right for your partner to be a great tool in handling the minor hiccups that a couple to find a solution to this list when you enjoyed being with your partner.The trick is to write your ex husband or wife.Are you looking to save marriage, you not to say and do not take marriage that is of course you can learn to accept something.Therefore in the wrong word spoken at incorrect time can be saved.It is important when you've handled your husband or wife.

Thus, repeating your mistakes and shortcomings and try to remain calm and concise manner.Actually the biggest obstacle to solving your marital woesLet your spouse happy, if thee reason was that the same basic necessities to stay calm.You will face a certain issue that has happened, the marriage going.So from this, what do you choose the alternate path.

[luffysfakebeard]

i headcanon isak's mother having OCD from what we've heard/seen of her and when she's finally diagnosed it takes isak a few days to process what that means and he does a ton of research and talks to her about it and to even to learn and figure it out and as he's searching he stumbles along other anxiety disorders and finds a lot of symptoms he has and it scares the crap out of him because his boyfriend having a MI? okay. his mom? okay. but him was a different story. could you write about that?

Having a Name for it can be Scary; 2150ish words[AO3]

Isak hadbeen barely thirteen the first time he heard the word ‘schizophrenic’. It had been a scary word; even just the sound it made in his mouth washarsh.  He realised quickly that it was also a taboo word.  Hisparents refused to talk about it and Isak was too young to care enough to pushfurther than that.

After hemoved out he didn’t really think of it again; too busy rebuilding his life todo much else.

The thingis: since getting with Even, Isak had slowly been rebuilding his relationshipwith his mother.  And part of that hadbeen educating himself about the way her brain worked.  He had been reading all about schizophreniaand his heart had twisted painfully in his chest at the familiarity of it all.

As isoften the way with the internet, one thing led to another almostseamlessly.  One web page had listedbipolar disorder as a similar condition to schizophrenia, which had resulted ina little detour in Isak’s research.  Honestlythough, he tried not to read up on bipolar because he knew it made Evenuncomfortable so he wasn’t on that page for long.

It was only when he was about to exit out ofthat website entirely that he noticed a list on the side of the page of relateddisorders.  The words ‘anxiety and panicdisorders’ caught his eye and he remembered reading about how anxiety could bea trigger for episodes.

And so heclicked.

At firsthe had been reading with his mother in mind, thinking about how his fatheralways used to warn him not to stress her out, but then he came acrosssomething called ‘generalised anxiety disorder’.  The more he read about it the more he feltlike the bottom of his stomach had fallen out; like suddenly being plummetedfrom the top of a rollercoaster.

Excessive worrying, restlessness andfeeling on edge, muscle tension, headaches, difficulty concentrating,difficulty sleeping and staying asleep, being easily startled.

Allcommon things in the day to day life of Isak Valtersen.

When hegot to the part about the causes of GAD and saw the words ‘abnormal functioningin particular brain regions’ he slammed his laptop shut and dumped itunceremoniously onto the floor by their bed.

Forpossibly the first time ever, Isak was glad that Even was at work and he hadthe flat to himself.

He wasn’tproud of his brain’s initial reaction. Wasn’t proud of the jolt of shock that ran through him and the immediateattempt to dismiss what he had just read. He had come a long way from the boy who said he would prefer his lifewithout mentally ill people, but he knew he still had a long way to go.

He wasgetting close with his mother again and he and Even seemed to be doing wellenough managing his bipolar as a team, but he couldn’t shake the feeling thatmental illness was something that happened to other people.

He wasn’tcrazy.

He hatedthat word; he hated the connotations it had and how derogatory it was.  But it was all he could think.

I’m not crazy.

He didn’thear voices or see things that weren’t there. He didn’t lose touch with reality and throw things in a rage whensomeone tried to talk to him.  He stilldidn’t really understand what Even meant by the brain feeling alone and hecouldn’t imagine himself ever thinking he could fly and standing spread eagleat the top of a construction site like a guy had done a few months ago.

He didn’thave a mental illness.

He justdidn’t.

He wasn’tlike his mother.

He hadbeen so afraid when he was younger that he would grow up to be like her; thathe wouldn’t be able to distinguish what was real from what was inside his headand that he’d lash out unexpectedly at the ones he loved.  She had been doing so well lately, butburrowed deep under his skin that fear still lurked.

He wasn’tproud of it.  In fact, it was possiblyhis biggest shame.

No onecould help being mentally ill.  Sure asfuck no one chose to be mentally ill.  It also wasn’t the end of the world; he knewlogically that there were worse things in the world than to have a brain thatworked differently.

But fuckif it didn’t feel like the end of the world right then.

When Evengot home he found Isak wrapped tightly in their duvet even though it was stillalmost twenty degrees despite the late time of evening.  If that hadn’t been enough of a clue thatsomething was up, then the vacant glaze covering Isak’s usually bright eyes wasa giant red flag.

“Baby?”Even ran a comforting hand over the exposed top of Isak’s head and smiled atthe way Isak burrowed deeper into the duvet in response.  “What’s up?” Even tried to coax the answerout of him, lying down next to the Isak-shaped lump in the middle of theirbed.  Isak muttered something, but it wasso muffled by the duvet cocoon that Even couldn’t make it out.

“I can’thear you, Is.” He said gently, trying to lower the duvet from in front ofIsak’s mouth.  Isak squirmed inside theduvet and Even could tell he was uncomfortable.

“I’mnormal.” Isak’s voice was quiet, not quite as muffled, and he sounded souncertain.

“Normal?”Even echoed.  That word always left a badtaste in his mouth.  He definitely didn’tlike it coming out of Isak’s mouth,especially not in that small unsure voice.

“Yes.  I’m normal.  I’m not- I’m not sick.” Isak was emphasising those words and Even felt anuncomfortable prickle across his skin.

“What isthis about, Isak?” He really didn’t like where this was going.

“I wasreading.” Isak mumbled.

“Okay?”

“About…whatmy mum has.  And then I ended up readingabout something else and-” Isak broke off, struggling to find the right words,his eyebrows screwing up with frustration. Even had a feeling he knew what Isak was trying to say though.

“Readsome stuff that sounded familiar?” Even offered and Isak curled up tightly,shrinking into him under the duvet.  Evenhated when Isak made himself small; it just made him want to wrap his boyfriendin their softest blanket and whisper in his ear that it would all be okay.

“Do youwant to talk about it?  What you werereading about?” Even wrapped his arms around the Isak-lump as best he could.

“It’s onmy laptop.” Isak muttered.

“Can Ihave a look?” Even didn’t want to assume. He waited until Isak nodded minutely before leaning over and pickingIsak’s laptop off the floor.

“I’m notgoing to be bombarded by porn, am I?” Even teased, giving the Isak-lump aplayful push.

“Noooo.”Isak rolled his eyes.  Even was glad tosee that he still had a little bit of humour in there, even if he was goingthrough some inner turmoil.  He tappedIsak’s password in and the page immediately popped back up.

“Generalisedanxiety disorder.” Even read the title aloud and then looked down at Isak.

Not apeep from inside the duvet.

“Generalized anxiety disorder (or GAD) is characterized by excessive,exaggerated anxiety and worry about everyday life events with no obvious reasons forworry. People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work, or school.” Even read aloud, the English words feeling funny in his mouth.

He looked away from the webpage and to the boyfriend shaped lumpnext to him, wincing at the miserable whimper Isak let out.

“That does sound like you.” Even agreed.  He slid the laptop back onto the floor andfocused all his attention on Isak.  Heforced the duvet down so he could see his boyfriend’s face.

“Having a name for it can be scary.  I remember when I first heard the word‘bipolar’ and I hated it.  It made it tooreal.  Too clinical for something soemotional.” Even ran a hand down the side of Isak’s face gently.

“I was always the normal one in the family.” Isakwhispered.  He looked terrified of hisadmission.  “And now…” He trailed off.

“Isak, there’s no such thingas normal.” Even shook his head.  “Andyou know what: anxiety is really common in our generation.  If you do have an anxiety problem we can workthrough it.  Just like we work around mybipolar.”

“I know, I know.” Isak swallowed.  He was looking everywhere but at Even.

“Babe, look at me.” Even whispered, cupping the side of Isak’sface in one hand.  “I’m not judging you,okay?  I just want to make sure you’reokay.  Everything else comes later.” Hepromised.

“My mum’s first diagnosis was something small.” Isak’s voice wasbarely there.  Even had to strain to hearit.  “What if this is just the start ofme turning into my mum?”

“And what if you’re just a kid who had a hard upbringing and isused to worrying about more than you should have to?” Even countered.  At that, Isak flickered his gaze to Even’sface.

He looked so heartbreakingly young.

“Is, you were forced into caring for your mum when she wassick.  You were just a kid; you shouldn’thave had to be running the household. It’s natural that you still have those leftover habits of worrying abouteverything.” Even rubbed what he was 90% sure was Isak’s back comfortinglythrough the duvet.

“You’re not alone now though. You don’t have to worry about dealing with everything in this householdon your own; we share that stuff, okay? It’s our home, so it’s our responsibility.  Not just yours.” Even said firmly.  Isak nodded. It was just a tiny motion, but it gave Even hope that he was gettingthrough to him.

“You’ve always been anxious, baby, and that’s normal.  Whether or not you have an anxiety disorder isn’t for me to say.  If you feel like things are getting too muchfor you, you can always lean on me for a while.” Even whispered.  Isak was looking at him now, finally, and Even was completelyentranced by those beautiful hazel eyes.

“You promise?” Isak’s voice was barely more than a breathbetween them, but in their little world it was loud as thunder.

“I promise.” Even nodded. They were pressed so close together in bed that Even swore he could feel the tension melt out of Isak’sbody.

“Was I overreacting?” Isak mumbled, burying his duvet-wrappedbody tighter into Even’s embrace.

“No.” Even replied instantly. “Mental health can be scary. Especially when you read about it all online.  Maybe we shouldn’t Google things like thatanymore?” He suggested as Isak buried his face in the crook of his neck.

“I think that’s a good idea.” Isak nodded meekly and Evenpressed a fond kiss to the top of his boyfriend’s head.

“You’ll always be the most incredible boy I’ve ever met,Isak.  Mental illness wouldn’t changethat.  It doesn’t change who you are.” Even wished someone could havetold him that when he had first beendiagnosed, but he was glad to be able to give that to Isak.

“I know.” Isak replied softly. He wiggled inside his duvet cocoon for a second and then suddenly Evenwas being enveloped in the warmth.

“Just another gay teen with anxiety.” Isak tried to joke, butEven could still see the nervousness in his eyes.

“There’s no rush to label it, baby.” Even squeezed Isak’s handgently.  Isak reciprocated by clingingonto Even like it was the only thing tying him to this earth.

“No rush.” Isak repeated, more to himself.  “I don’t think I’m ready for that sort oflabel, Ev.” He swallowed.  It had takenlong enough for him to cope with being gay; adding something else on top ofthat was going to take some time.

A lot of time, if he was honest.

“Then we won’t think about it.” Even said simply.  “We’ll take this totally chill.  Just minute by minute.” He continued,mirroring Isak’s words from so long ago.

“What will we do this minute?” Isak breathed, staring at Evenwith more trust than Even felt he deserved.

“This minute,” Even said slowly as he wrapped his arms aroundIsak and rested their foreheads together. “we’ll just be calm.  We’ll justbreathe.  Just us, here in our bed, inour flat.” Even rubbed his hand slowly up and down Isak’s back.

And that’s exactly what they did.

For just a little while, the world shrunk down to just the twoof them hidden under their duvet in bed. No labels, no long complicated scientific terms, no terrifying memories.

Nothing but Even and Isak, minute by minute.

[litterpinkglitter]

You’re White, Don’t Say the N-Word

My stepsister Nicole just turned thirty; I hope this year she stops casually dropping the N word. I went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with Nicole and her dad, celebrating her birthday and eating delicious pasta. I was not expecting the dinner discussion to get as deep as it did. To set the scene, I was invited to dinner with her and her father who I do not know that well; what I do know is that he is an avid Trump supporter, so naturally I wore a hip tie-dye shirt with Trump’s face on it that says “impeach” over it. Her dad advised me not to wear that shirt on the Upper East Side because most people there are Trump supporters. He mansplained that Hillary did not win because she has a bad attitude and Trump was more likeable (which I found humorous). I should mention here that both Nicole and her father are privileged and white.

I voiced my opinion that someone should not be president if they go around sexually assaulting women and mentioned that he is an awful president for many reasons. Nicole justified my words by explaining to her dad in a very patronizing tone “well...she’s a feminist.” I then asked her out of curiosity if she was a feminist and she replied, “what does that even mean?” I explained that feminism means that women and men deserve equality. Nicole then said she is a feminist but added defensively that she is “not as much of a feminist” as I am. So, I guess that means that she does not believe in equality as much as I do? It is also interesting to me that she used the word “feminist” as an insult when she did not know what it meant.

We then moved onto another topic and out of nowhere, she dropped the N word (with a hard “R” I should add.) I was so taken aback by it that I mentally blocked out everything that was said around the use of that word. I immediately looked to her dad to see if he would speak up, but he said nothing and did not seem phased by it at all. I was the only one at the table who considered what just happened as an issue. Although I felt very alone and outnumbered, I told Nicole that she can’t use the N word and that it’s extremely offensive. With a lack of empathy, emotion, or basic understanding, she dismissed it with, “but my black friend gave me permission” and “I’m only saying it around you.” It just doesn’t work like that. You should not be asking anyone for permission to say something racist and then brag about getting permission...maybe recognize it as a racist word that has been used to dehumanize black people throughout history. It would be one thing if she was part of the African American community, but she is not. The N word does not belong to her at all. She doesn’t understand her own privilege. Admittedly, I certainly didn’t when I was growing up.

When I was living at home in high school I was constantly with my family and I looked up to my dad, stepmom, and Nicole. I thought that since they were adults they should be able to teach me right from wrong. I really looked to them to set an example and especially took notice of Nicole because she got the most attention from my family -

my dad always implied that he wanted me to be more like her and dress more like her. I would put on a comfortable outfit to wear to school and my dad would say something like, “you should put a different shirt on. Don’t you care about how you look? I mean, Nicole wouldn’t wear that to school because she cares. You should care too.” I grew up in a home where I was constantly compared to my stepsister. She was praised for her looks and how she presented herself while I was put down for that same reason. However, my family did motivate me to do well in school and strive for As (which I always got BTW). All throughout high school I received compliments for my grades since I was known as the more bookish and school-smart one in my family. My brains did not go unnoticed, but looks were definitely more of a priority in my household. I also got the hint that it was important to stay skinny and would often hear my dad comment, “your friend put on a lot of weight since freshman year and looks too fat.”

An even worse comment came from Nicole when we went to go get fro-yo one day; she leaned over to me and gestured to a girl in the store saying, “I don’t think fat people should wear crop tops. It’s disgusting.” I remember this brief moment from a couple of years ago because I felt my face get intensely hot and bright red as I was explaining why she shouldn’t body shame other women for wearing something they feel comfortable in (also note that these are just two tiny examples out of what seems like a million). I grew up around a family that is constantly judging, scrutinizing, and shaming everyone around them based on their looks. They did not value intelligence and never went out of their way to educate themselves on topics they did not understand. Obviously, growing up in this kind of environment really shaped me. I got so used to hearing these judgements that I thought it was natural to behave this way too and did not see why it was a problem for a long time.

It was very challenging for me to realize that I should not look to my family to set an example for me and it took a lot of hard work to unlearn all the unhealthy behaviors that had become normalized by them. I grew up in a toxic environment where I have distinct memories of my stepsister saying the N-word a lot at home. My family wouldn’t say anything about it and would even laugh because they thought she was being funny. So I grew up not knowing what the word meant or why it was not okay to say. I grew up thinking, “oh, if you say this word people will think you’re funny.” I am now a stand-up comedian, so I have always grown up wanting to get a laugh. I hate to admit it, but I have said the N-word a handful of times in my life, not even realizing what I was saying was harmful. I had said it around a couple of friends and they would laugh, so I thought it wasn’t a big deal. Eventually, I grew up and educated myself, vowing to never utter that word again. I do not hang around with the same group of people that used to validate my use of the word and only surround myself with people who also agree that the N-word should never be said by white people. I honestly look back on myself saying that word and feel so ashamed of myself, but I wish I had people in my life that did not think it was funny and encourage it. I look back on this as a learning experience and can now say I know better. I became my own parent by teaching myself what is right and wrong. I now know exactly who I am and what I believe in. That young girl who said that word is not who I am today. I made a mistake that I own up to and since then have made a promise to continue to become educated and learn about topics before I speak about them. I fully identify as a feminist, activist, and ally.

It took a lot of learning and making mistakes to get to where I am now and I am writing this in hopes that my sister realizes it is never too late to change your mindset or the language you use. After the dinner, I called my dad and stepmom to urge them to put an end to this and teach Nicole that she cannot say the N-word. They of course laughed it off and excused her behavior by describing Nicole as “daring and different.” Unlike them, I think what makes someone “daring and different” is having the courage to stand up to racism, sexism, misogyny, and injustice instead of adding to the problem or letting it go unnoticed. My dad also said that he would talk to Nicole, because swearing like that is low-class and that “she cannot attract a man with that language.” This is problematic for many reasons, but I was particularly taken aback by his belief that the N-word is in the same category as every other swear word. My problem with her has nothing to do with cursing. She can say any swear word she wants to as long as it is not one that dehumanizes people. Another issue I have with his claim that she seems “low-class” when using such words is that describing people as low-class in a derogatory way is classist. My dad, a privileged straight white cisgender man, equates low-class as being inherently bad and negative. He also stated that my sister can say the word because it is “freedom of speech” but why would someone want to use their freedom of speech to oppress others? Why should we let them?    

The last thing my dad said to me about the topic was to just “let it go” but I am here to declare that I will never “let it go.” I am writing this letter to hold myself accountable and to hold my sister accountable for our words and actions so we can make a positive change. I have heard some of my white friends say the N-word in the comfort of spaces with other white people and it happens way more often than it should. This word comes from the mouths of some of my most liberal and #woke friends that I know. They also say it in an attempt to be funny and think that since they aren’t saying it in a derogatory way that it is okay. I do not think that every person who says this word is racist and terrible and mean-spirited, but rather, that it comes from a place of ignorance. We should not assume that every person who says the N-word is intentionally being racist but perhaps, like me and Nicole, they come from an environment where they simply never learned. I have since moved out of my house and have become a more independent thinker. I have learned from my mistakes and my family’s mistakes and I will try to never make them again. I have put so much effort into unlearning all of the negative things my family has taught me. Anyone can make this change, but it all starts with educating ourselves and others about these issues. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you started from a place of ignorance and moved past it. I actually find that to be a noble trait that you can use to inspire others from a place of love, understanding, and compassion. Sorry Dad, but we will not “let it go.” You shouldn’t either.

[tessatechaitea]

Kamandi Challenge Special #1, Part One: “Kamandi, the Last Boy on Earth!”

A 40 page giant spectacular?! Welp, there goes my whole day.

I can't tell if Doctor Canus is a family name or a derogatory slur.

This is what happens when you edit your own material. You think scrawling "ME!" really hugely across every other page is what the readers want. The readers are not your unchecked massive ego, Jack! Assuming Doctor Canus is actually a doctor and not just a dog pretending to be a doctor like half the dogs I've ever met, what does he know about alien lifeforms? Why should Kamandi take his word for it that she shouldn't excite it? My guess is he's talking from experience. "Look at how scorched my proboscis is! This thing is dangerous! Also, for your own edification and the satiating of your curiosity, this creature does not seem to have an anus." Doctor Canus (hey! That has "anus" in it!) is a typical dog with low self-esteem so he has to pepper everything he says with multi-syllabic words.

It's called a boner, Ben Boxer.

Instead of saying he's learned to communicate with it, Doctor Canus says he "established some sort of contact with it." Christ, Doc. Do you have to molest every form of living being that lands on your pervert dog island? I assume the contact is sexual based on all the dirty talk on the previous pages about how the alien made Ben "grow" and then "reversed" the process and then, I'm assuming, took a nap.

When you edit yourself, "we" and "us" are different.

Doctor Canus might be able to talk and remove gall bladders now but he still talks like an idiot dog would probably talk. "Look! It is one thing! Now it is two things! Now it is many things! ROWF! ROWF! I'm a good boy! I scienced!" Doctor Canus concludes that living energy is the ultimate life form. I should probably accept that this dog knows what he's talking about. Jack Kirby didn't spend a few hours at his desk with a pencil in his mouth thinking, "How do I convey to the reader that this talking dog really knows what he's talking about? Oh! A high collar! And make him a doctor!" The living energy just wants to go home but it can't find it's way. Ultimate life form, my ass! I almost never forget my way home when I leave the house. I'm so much smarter than this living energy. Me the Alien throws a temper tantrum because it's upset. It's tantrum takes the form of an electrical storm and begins killing all of Prince Tuftan's adorable royal tiger guards.

Doctor Canus uses the most tried and true disciplining tactics he knows. Lucky for the living energy's tender proboscis, the future doesn't have rolled up newspapers.

Doctor Canus explains that Me the Alien trusts him because he is a scientist. I wonder how it knows he's a scientist? I know I couldn't tell a cool dog from a nerdy dog. Doctor Canus heads off with Me the Alien to examine the flying saucer it came in. That's probably a good place to start if you're looking to help it find it's way home. Prince Tuftan and Kamandi look at each other covered in sand and dog shit and share a moment where they both laugh uproariously at how stupid the other one looks. "You're a walking, talking tiger covered in sand fleas and seaweed!" "Well, you're a young topless girl in hot pants and go-go boots!" Then they laugh and laugh! Afterward, Prince Tuftan makes sure to mention how he hasn't laughed in a long time because there's nothing remotely funny about the end of the world. Except maybe the idea that a dog can do science. It turns out Prince Tuftan is also a teenager like Kamandi. It's hard to tell since he's a tiger. While the two teens hang out on the beach and smoke the reefer, gorillas attack Tuftan's ship off-shore! Fucking monkeys! You know they're on the villainous side because they're monkeys. Sentient apes and gorillas always wind up being bad guys: Grodd, Mallah, probably other ones. Unless they have the possibility to fuck a hot chick like in Angel and the Ape and then they'll generally behave. One platoon of gorillas storm the island to capture Prince Tuftan and Kamandi.

The monkey men work for the Wayne Foundation. Of course it survived the apocalypse! I bet Bruce's brain is in an ape's body now.

Chapter Two ends with the reader discovering that these are "Gorilla Commandos" and the reader falls all over themselves with laughter at the pun. How old is this comic? Is he the first to use the Gorilla/guerrilla pun? Probably! I bet it's why people hold him in such high regard. I just realized this entire series wasn't just written by Dan Didio. I guess he lost his hold on rewriting all of Jack Kirby's characters when DC flushed The New 52 down the Rebirth toilet.

I don't think I'm reaching when I say there's a whiff of subliminal sodomy in this dialogue. The lead gorilla's name is, after all, Ramjam.

The gorillas are only interested in kidnapping Prince Tuftan. They seem to think of the humans as animals. Thanks, Trump!

To be fair to the ape, he understood the regular English language as well as the language of violence.

Kamandi rushes off to fetch Doctor Canus. Usually it's the other way around, amirite?! No? Anyway, Kamandi is flipping the fuck out like anybody who was the last girl on Earth being threatened by anal sex fixated sentient apes. She's all, "Dog! Dog doctor! Doctor who is also a dog! Attack! Kill!" Doctor Canus is all, "Well, this is most unfortunate! I'm busy doing science and those damn apes are interrupting the sciencing!" And Kamandi is all, "Also they're killing tigers and kidnapping Prince Tuftan!" And Doctor Canus is all, "But I'm about to make a major science breakthrough with science! Can't those damn apes wait?!" And Kamandi is all, "They're going to sell the U.F.O. which I probably shouldn't call a U.F.O. because it's totally an alien space ship and not unexplained at all and currently not flying either." And Doctor Canus is all, "What? They're going to sell the ship?! They must be stopped!" Fucking scientists and their agendas and priorities. They don't care about human or tiger life at all. They just want to make some kind of major science breakthrough so they'll get a treat. Doctor Canus explains to Kamandi that they'll make Me the Alien fight for them. But Kamandi is all, "Is that right? Should we really exploit it in such a manner?"

Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I mean, I sort of want to know. Okay fine. I desperately want to know!

The fourth chapter is called "Satan in the Sand!" With the exclamation point which I feel I need to explain since American copy editors would insist the exclamation point go on the inside of the quotes even if I were using it to express my own excitement of the name being "Satan in the Sand!" Maybe. I don't really care what copy editors say. I edit my own writing. The Gorillas move in to take the space ship when they're confronted by Doctor Canus and Kamandi.

"I am a scientist! I am not defenseless!" "He's a witch! WITCH DOG! WIIIIIIITCH!"

Most of the gorillas, being typical post-world morons, are all, "A talking animal! It must be witchcraft! Spells! Sorcery! Fake news!" But Ramjam, being the leader which means he probably went to college and understands science and how it can be used to manipulate idiots by telling them science is full of bias and agendas, points out that anybody can teach an animal to talk. So easy! Also maybe the scientist was using ventriloquism! To keep Ramjam from Of Mice and Menning Doctor Canus, Me the Alien takes the form of a giant sand giant which attacks the gorillas. Gorillas, being a superstitious and cowardly lot, mostly run off to complain about how arrogant Doctor Canus is. But Ramjam stands his ground and throws a grenade at the beast. He also calls the grenade a "demolition dumpling" which is so poetic that I just flipped off Robert Frost for wasting so much of my time. When the Demolition Dumpling fails to defeat Me the Alien, Ramjam and the other gorillas surrender. Doctor Canus locks them in Me the Alien's spaceship. Me doesn't seem to suspect that perhaps he made a terrible deal. That's his fucking way home, not a prison for bone-headed apemen! Prince Tuftan arrives and explains how he escaped: the apes forgot to kill the tigers. At first it sounds like Jack Kirby just ran out of room and was all, "Fuck it! The apes probably lose interest in things quickly and wandered off. Day saved!" But instead, Tuftan was just pointing out that the only safe tiger is a dead tiger. So he and his fuzzy guards slaughtered the ape-men. Doctor Canus and Kamandi congratulate him but don't shake his blood soaked hand. Instead they send the prisoners off with him. Kamandi chooses to stay on the island and help Doctor Canus make a body for Me the Alien. That seems weird. It's easier to make a body for an unknown life-form than to fix its space ship? Anyway, I'm particularly glad I don't have to read the second issue based on the title.

Yuck! It must be pretty disgusting to be a bigger surprise than World War II.

That's it for Part One! Be here whenever next time is for Part Two of Kamandi Challenge #1!

[fools---gold]

Never Grow Up - 2004 I am four-years-old and dreaming of being a veterinarian and an astronaut and a singer and an olympic gymnast. Yet, I am told that to become a vet and an astronaut that I would have to be extremely smart and be in school for an extensive amount of time; I am told that not many people succeed. I am told that few people attain a career as a singer; I am told that there are too many people out there who know how to sing well. I am told that I am not built to be a gymnast; I am told that activities like that put too much strain on the body. So, I smile and say, “Okay,” even though all of the dreams in which my little heart has envisaged have been crushed. Why is everyone speaking for me? Everything Has Changed - 2008 I am eight-years-old and I am feeling more independent than ever. But my life is changing faster than I can blink. I no longer wake up to see my mom’s pool of blonde locks next to mine. I no longer feel my mother’s welcoming arms or hear her benevolent voice reading out The Notebook before dinner. My father is thousands of miles away on an agonizing military deployment; this would make it deployment number three. I am with family but they feel foreign to me. I know their names and their faces; I have spent few holidays with them and family dinners are even more rare. For the first time I feel alone. Why does everyone keep asking if I am okay? Do they know? Can they not see how my hips stick out a little bit more than usual? How my once always tight jeans are now baggy? Can they not see the permanent redness in my eyes? Nevertheless, I smile and act as if nothing is wrong. Summer is over and I am now in fourth grade. A new school and a new set of friends, nothing I have not had to deal with before, right? At least now, I have a voice. Mean - 2010 I am ten-years-old and my life is a play. There is so much “pretending.” I have a new brother, mother-figure, and baby sister in my life. Everything happened so fast. I ponder the fact that my loved ones should encourage me to be myself and to not let others put me down for who I am. I do not not mean to, but how am I supposed to know better? I have been hiding it for two years now. My family continues to tell me to be myself. Would they continue encouraging me if they knew? The minute someone says something that hurts my feelings, their advice is, “Pretend it doesn’t bother you, don’t let them win. Put a smile on your face and pretend like you are not affected.” But my fight is gone. Why can’t they win? They say you cannot win every battle and what if I am fighting a battle that I do not have the energy for? When my parents are mad at me, I pretend like I am fine. Even though they say that I should always express my feelings and never hold anything in, they never mean how I am feeling towards them because as a “kid,” I am always wrong, and they, as people who are “older and wiser,” are always right. Do I dare mention the fact that they hurt my feelings or made me feel more worthless than the bullies at school? Do I tell my parents the truth, or hold it in to avoid World War III? They constantly bring up every situation in which I have lied, disrespected someone, and they will point out all my flaws. They say, “It’s just a phase. This is not who you are. We didn’t raise you to be like this.” Then where does that leave me? It leaves me in a deeper hole. People ask how I do it so well. “If I were you, I wouldn't be able to function,” they say. I’ve been told my whole life to pretend to do this, to pretend to be that. I am only certain about one thing: I like the long-haired, brown-eyed, tall, redhead girl in my class, my best friend, but I like her as more than just a best friend. Beside this, I am lost and confused. Who am I? I am only the person I pretend to be; the person that everyone else wants me to be; the person they have formed me into. Give me the opportunity to be myself and I will probably just end up even more lost. I would be searching for a person I know nothing about. Speak Now - 2015 I am fifteen and I am caught in an inner-conflict between finding my worth and feeling no self worth. In my Christian household, I will be told that I am a sinner, that I am not a “true Christian.” Since the moment we are born until the minutes leading up to death we are told that we are all special, that we are all unique and beautiful. Now it may seem as though everything written here will contradict this next statement, but that means you’ll be just as confused as I am. With all my heart, I believe that we as humans are put on this earth by a superior power. A power that is to be both feared and loved unconditionally. I believe that every human is made to be beautiful in their own way. So, why then, I must ask, does it feel like I am alone? Why does it seem as though the world is conspiring against me? Why do people's actions beg to be labeled as something other than beautiful? I wish I could answer these questions. I wish someone else could tell me the answers. But, you see, the thing is, there are no real answers. There’s this quote by a man by the name of Khaled Hosseini, a beautiful writer who talks about real problems in the real world. He says, “They say, ‘Find a purpose in life and live it.’ But sometimes it is only after you have lived that you recognize your life had a purpose, and likely one you never had in mind.” On my fingers and toes I can count off the times where I felt as though I was not useful, that I was an outcast. I can count the times where not existing would have felt better than simply breathing. Now do not be fooled, I am not here to say that I am the victim in every situation, because that is far from the truth. I have had my fair share of being tortured, but I have also done quite a bit of torturing to others myself. Everyone has their own troubles, their own mountains to climb. We all just want to live life and be happy, so why is it that so many people seem to not want that for you? I think it all started when they began telling me how “gay” I was. They called me “homo” and “lesbian” and “vagitarian.” I am at the point where I don't know what else to do. I do not care about the colloquial language I use, because in the end does saying what I am trying to say come across any different if I used a higher vocabulary? What is fixing the words going to do? They still mean the same thing and they are still words. People continuously say words are “only words” and they should not hurt you, brush them off because “sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt.” Yet, is it not funny how people are expected to be moved by them? They say “words of wisdom” and “motivational quotes.” How are words supposed to be only positive? There are derogatory words for a reason. Just like there are positively impacting words, there are hurtful ones. We cannot just expect everything in life to be good because not everything in life is good. Nothing in life will ever be perfect. As much as we may try to make ourselves believe it is perfect, we will just end up disappointing ourselves. I am not going to tell you that everything will be okay because not everything will be okay. I would absolutely love to tell you that life is going to be amazing and all your dreams will come true, but then I would be lying. You see my whole life, I have always known I was different. While my older cousins were playing the annual Thanksgiving soccer game, I was yelling on the sidelines for them to pull me in to play, meanwhile all my friends were at home painting their nails and playing with their barbies. While all the kids were playing on the swings during recess, I was reading and taking my own mind to faraway places; places I didn't realize I was at until I came back into what everyone else labels “reality.” And P.S. reality is horrifying. New Romantics - July 2016 I am sixteen and am convinced that I have my life all figured out. Have you ever just sprawled out on the ground outside and looked up at the sky? Do you notice how that no matter how hard you try, you can never count the number of stars? Are you able to wrap your mind around the fact that there are more stars in the sky than there are individual grains of sand in all of the beaches in the world? I know I can’t. I’m laying here thinking about all that has happened in the past week. Let alone in the past three days. On July 20, I officially came out as lesbian to two of my older cousins, two people who are practically my brothers. I have finally accepted who I am. On July 23, I spent the night with the most amazing girl. I explored a world that I had never before been introduced to. To me, she was perfect. She had these eyes that were the most beautiful color. As she tells me, “Okay but this song is one of the best!” for the past 6 songs that we’ve listened to, her eyes fill with this shred of passion and her voice carries a poetic tone. When she’s describing this book that she loves that she thinks I’ll like, she gets this smile that you can’t help but smile back at. Her laugh was so contagious and quickly became one of my favorite sounds. I wanted to kiss her so bad that first night, but I didn’t. Ask me why I didn’t and I could come up with a million excuses. The real answer is simple honestly: just like the thought of the grains of sand and the stars in the sky, I could not fathom the thought of such an amazing person being in my life. I cannot express in words how scary yet exhilarating it is. It felt as if any second she’ll disappear and all I’ll be left with are the traces of her scent on my pillow. As we were lying there, she began to say something and then she stopped, and finally, with a little persuasion, she said what she had intended. She told me to not get too attached. In that moment, with the moonlight glowing on her skin, the curves and shadows creating nothing more than silhouette, I knew that I already had. She told me that she didn’t want to hurt me, but I thought to myself, “It’d be a beautiful tragedy.” Still, I said okay. Then she started talking about how she didn’t want to be hurt by me. But if only she knew how with every word she spoke I fell for her all over again. She said that everyone lies when they say they won’t leave. I’m here and I don’t want to go anywhere. I wish she knew. Nevertheless, I still nod my head and say, “Okay.” I could not picture being anywhere else with anyone else in that moment. All Too Well - August 2016 I was left alone, again. I thought, “There is no way that this is happening again.” I stopped hiding who I was and was comfortable in life and she left me. She said, “It’s not you, I really do like you, but I need time to find myself. I don’t want to be like this anymore.” It was then that I realized that I was not the only girl she was leading on. She had her own little band of girls who followed her around like little puppy dogs, begging for more. While I sat and contemplated all that I had thought that I did wrong, I came to the conclusion that I was not meant to be happy. Any source of happiness I had ever found was ripped from my grasp. “Maybe it’s easier this way,” I thought to myself, “women are always leaving my life.” However, in the darkest hours of the night, I would find myself asking a multitude of questions. Many of them making me feel alone and hopeless. Why is this happening? What is wrong with me? Begin Again - September 2016 It all makes sense, I now know why it never worked out with anyone else. For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I am happy. I now know what it is like to have something that I want to show off and not be ashamed. I am no longer afraid of the night and the thoughts that came with it, for I know now that my thoughts are always on her and what an amazing person she is. She picked me up when I couldn't find a reason. She became my reason and I know that, despite my flaws and the very danger of being with me, she loves me. I am no longer afraid of what my parents may think about me liking girls. I may not know where I will end up in life, but I no longer have to pretend to be someone I am not. I am no longer ashamed of what I feel. I am no longer ashamed of all the things I had looked at as major flaws in myself. She tells me that I am beautiful and because of her, I am starting to believe it. I know for a fact that I love her and that in itself is enough for me. From here awaits a journey that I am more than eager to pursue.