#it’s especially funny how eventually when i’m not drained they’ll have to deal with me being a chronic oversharer and loud ass

[owl-fruit]

having low social battery as a talkative person is so weird like yes people are talking to me and messaging me but i’ve spent the last few months in a state of burn out where i cant give more than one short response or sentence to anyone

[ladyloveandjustice]

Reflection on Attack on Titan: How the narrative failed its characters

I did a breakdown of how Attack on Titan failed the potential of its premise due to its commitment to being edgy fascist garbage, but I also want to talk about how it failed a bunch of characters who were brimming with potential.

(This is gonna be messy and loooong, because I have a lot of feelings. Someone on the last post noted my “rhetoric blows” and I will freely admit I’m not really trying for coherent “rhetoric” here, I’m just venting my frustration so I can get it all out of me and move on).

Yes, it wasn’t solely the premise that drew me and so many others to Attack on Titan and its potential. There were a lot of unique and exciting elements with the way this shonen manga handled its characters.

I said before that Isayama never cared about his characters, but that was a bit of a exaggeration. I think he did start out caring about some of them...it’s just he quickly got bored with them and started treating them solely as tools to serve the “plot” and the screwed message he wanted to impart.

Isayama does have one strength as a character writer- he excels at  showing characters who are messy, flawed and selfish but nevertheless sympathetic. Nobody in Attack on Titan is a classic unselfish “pure” hero, they are all deeply flawed. Isayama’s characters were compelling in the beginning because of that. He allowed his characters to exhibit cowardice, he allowed them to fail spectacularly, and that made Attack on Titan stand out. Despire the melodrama of their situations, actions and personalities, there’s a rawness to (most of) his characters that fits the horror of the setting.

Even the protag Eren, who a lot of people dislike or find easily the most boring character (honestly I found Levi the most boring though), has this ugliness to him that makes him distinct from the billion other teen boy protags in shonen. He is genuinely unstable and honestly a bit disturbing, as this collection of weird murderfaces he makes shows (behold my post popular aot post, ah memories).His obsession with killing Titans was unsettling, it was the classic determination of a shonen hero through a screwed up horror lens, this kid ain’t all right.

Historia especially resonated me because she was TRYING to be that classic pure heroine- but she was selfish like everyone else deep down. She just wanted to be SEEN as an pure-hearted martyr who sacrificed for others, when really all she was doing was giving into her suicidal urges. It was criticism of the very concept of the “immaculate woman”, and that’s pretty cool. So was the fact she was seen through by Ymir, someone who embraces selfishness in all other aspects of her life but is ultimately selfless when it comes to her love for Historia...that’s some good shit. It’s fantastic as a character concept, and Ymir and Historia’s initial character writing and backstory will stick with me because it was genuinely good in all its melodrama. 

Historia and Ymir were nuanced queer characters whose relationships were fleshed out well. I do believe Isayama put care into crafting their initial arcs and developing them.

But then we run into a problem. A problem that eventually we run into with every character in AOT. Isayama stops caring about them. After their initial big arcs or moments in the spotlight or backstory reveals, he just doesn’t know what to do with these characters anymore. So they completely disapppear from the manga or fade into the background only to matter again when he decides to kill them off for some cheap shock moment. Either that, or they just exist to further the narrative of how the military is cool and we have to exterminate all our enemies and blablabla.

 Because he ultimately cares about that narrative far, far more than he does giving these characters the full stories that resonate, make sense and are effectively paced. He's completely willing to undo all the character work he did previously if it means he can be edgy or impress his ideals on the reader.

That’s why Ymir and Historia have this dramatic parting that gets the audience pumped to see what happens to both of them and when they’ll reunite...only for Ymir to just completely disappear from the narrative, then be killed offscreen without even really re-entering the story again. That’s why Historia has this whole big arc about reclaiming her agency, resisting her abusive family and learning to live for herself...only to be intimidated into becoming Queen even though she’s not super into it, because she needs to serve the military and NOT live for herself after all, I guess? And oh, now she’s numbly accepted her duty to endlessly make babies for the sake of the nation! Turns out her real purpose is to be something for the other characters to be sad about. 

Isayama got bored with Historia’s arc and Ymir’s arc and their relationship. He may have fun coming up with characters backstories and the big dramatic moments, but once those are over? He doesn’t care enough to do the work to conclude their stories. He gets distracted by his next plot point, his next action scene. The characters are toys he discards or breaks for the sake of either some edgy ‘anyone can die!’ moment or to push forward whatever new stupid plot point he’s thought up for his fascist narrative. (Links to evidence of Isayama’s views in this post).

Even in the (dumb) sense of “oohhh doesn’t this impress life’s cruelty upon us”, Ymir’s death is a failure. When she’s been gone from the narrative so long, to have it suddenly be like “oh, she died” just makes for a reader feeling confused and cheated, not devastated. It becomes painfully clear she’s an afterthought to the author, a loose end that needed to be cut. Same with Sasha’s recent death, I saw no sign she’d been anything but background in the narrative for a long. looong time before she was killed off.

 Heck, look not further than Annie, who has now been trapped in crystal for what, 800 chapters? It’s been YEARS, both in universe and out. It’s honestly FUNNY at this point that she’s still fuckin’ in there, literally just frozen until Isayama can decide what he wants to do with her.. I hope the manga ends with everyone dead and then 1000 years later Annie emerges like “hey guys I’m back!” Then a meteor hits her or something. The intrigue surrounding her fizzled out a long time ago, yet Isayama still expects the reader to care whenever that hunk of rock shows up?

Let’s bring it around back to Eren. There were a lot of interesting directions he could have actually gone as a character, had he been forced to actually, y’know, deal with the fact he was channeling his grief in an unhealthy way or his worldview had ultimately been challenged at all. But Isayama actually agrees with Eren for the most part, he does think enemies should be exterminated without fail and genocide is cool and stuff. So Eren’s development throughout 800 chapters was just to ultimately get more and more obsessed with killing enemies, to the point where he doesn’t even enjoy seeing the ocean for long before deciding that was more important. Only his targets are definitely people now, and he doesn’t care about children or civilian casualties anymore, and yeah he’s screwed up, but doesn’t he have a point???? You can almost hear Isayama say this.

 Eren exemplifies how Isayama approaches character development. He allows his characters to get more ruthless, more calculating, more fucked up, more comfortable with killing and torture as time goes on, but they can’t develop in a positive way ever- if they start going in that direction, it’s time for them to either die or regress. Nobody’s allowed to find any sort of lasting happiness, nobody’s allowed to become softer or kinder. “Cowards” (like Armin or Sasha) can become “brave”, but they’ll eventually lose most of their softness and empathy too. But that will be excused at every turn, because that’s apparently the price, the sacrifice of being a soldier. It’s “necessary” and it’s something Isayama very obviously admires. “Bravery” trumps compassion, soldiers must be ruthless to win and in the end, any growth is meaningless.

To be clear, a lot of negative character development isn’t a bad thing and “anyone can die” narratives aren’t either (though both are very tricky to pull off without losing audience investment- if you know it’s all just gonna be suffering, why keep reading?). But even when your story has those elements, you, as an author, have to have some respect and perspective in regards to your characters and Isayama has neither. He AGREES that his characters terrible actions (like torture) are necessary, because he thinks what Japanese soldiers did to Korean civilians was A-OK too...so it all just comes off as sickening.

And in a story, even if you’re trying to impress that death is random and arbitrary, that your story’s world is dangerous for everyone, those deaths should still mean something to you. the author. Otherwise the reader can’t feel their impact. It shouldn’t be easy to kill off a character. It shouldn’t be simply because you’re bored, or don’t know what to do with them- yet Isayama has openly admitted what he does. A character ceasing to matter, and then dying, has no impact. A character must matter up until the moment they cease for their death to matter.

( And lbr, if “anyone” could really die in AOT, the four main characters wouldn’t have gotten a million miracle reprieves by now).

It’s not surprising it ended up this way, though. It’s not surprising a man who has no sympathy or compassion for victims of war crimes has no sympathy or compassion for his characters and slowly drains them of their humanity as the story goes on. His love of war and domination is more important to him than human beings, and that comes through in his narrative, where characterization takes a backseat to his love of depicting war and violence, of impressing its necessity on the reader.

The characters of Attack on Titan deserve better than to be embedded in this cynical, cheap, fascist narrative. Fortunately, there are a ton of stories out there, and you can find similar characters with authors who actually care about them and aren’t openly fascist. For instance, while thinking about Historia’s arc and how good it started out, I remembered that one of my favorite narratives has a very similar main character. If you like Historia and wish she had a better narrative, I encourage you to check out the anime or light novels for The Twelve Kingdoms.

Similar to Historia, Youko is raised in an oppressive environment and constructs this entire personality around the idea of being an ideal good girl who lives for others, even though deep down she didn’t really care much for the people she was pleasing. When she’s stranded in an unfamiliar world, she slowly finds who she really is- and she’s pretty hardcore. She comes into a royal position of power too, but needless to say, it’s handled much better than Historia’s arc in AOT. 

True, she’s not explicitly queer, but there’s no explicit love interest either (the anime does add a “crush”, but he disappears pretty quickly and she gets over him amazingly fast), and ton of strong female relationships in the story too, that don’t end with one party dying and the other becoming a baby machine. And it’s written by a woman who’s never openly supported war crimes, so. 

So yeah, there are so many better options than Attack on Titan, and so many better ways these character concepts can be used. If you’re as disappointed as I am, it’s important to remember that. These character were failed, but characters like them can still be given the narratives they deserve.

Here’s the final part of this series:

The final reflection on Attack on Titan: How the narrative failed its potential in regard to gender and queer themes.

[secndlife]

sun&moon | 1.

pairing: jackson x reader x jinyoung

genre: soulmate!au, college!au, fluff, angst, eventual smut? everything basically

summary:  she has always trusted fate. she was destined to someone and she was determined to find it. she found herself wrapped in hands that feel warm like the sun, but that belonged to someone else. she keeps on looking, only to find out that her fate had been watching over her, just like the moon.

word count: 3.3k

playlist

masterlist

It was midterm season and t was cold. Not ‘I’ll freeze to death’cold, but ‘holy shit it’s really cold’ cold - and that made you lazy and grumpy whenever you weren’t in bed. All you wanted was to get out of this lesson, grab a caramel macchiato and hit home. You felt so tired, all your lessons were draining you. You loved you major, you did. Public relations was something you’ve always wanted to do but now, being so close to graduating, things were chaotic. You had to work on your final thesis and still pass all these classes. All you wanted was to graduate and finally be hired full time at your internship - you were working at a small music company as their public relations assistant.

As your professor started to gather his belongings, he said, “Well everyone, don’t forget to read the chapter assigned on the syllabus for this week’s lesson and write down the essay about how social media can change the perspectives on PR. Thank you and see you next week for our midterm.”

“Oh my God! Is the midterm next week? Fuck! I totally forgot that!” your friend Jisoo started freaking out while you two left the classroom.

“Yes baby,” you laughed, “I can send you the summary I made for this subject and we can study together next week, I don’t mind.”

“Oh really? Urgh, I love you, you’re the best,” she said with a smile and giving you a side hug. Jisoo was one of your best friends ever since you started university. You two hit off instantly after meeting at orientation week and next thing you know you’re renting an apartment together at one of the campus’ buildings.

“Yeah, I know. Do you have another class or you’re ready to go home?” You hoped she was ready to go home so you two could have a movie night with a lot of food.

“I can’t. I’m supposed to meet up with Mark for this other project we have.”

“Oh, does this project have anything to do with making out until your lips fall off?” you said while you bumped her shoulder. Mark and Jisoo sort of had a thing. No one really knew how to label what they had, but it was definitely something and it was clear for everybody.

“Please, that’s your deal with Jackson. Anyways, we’re just meeting at the cafeteria, it’s really about a class project.”

“Hm sure, miss.” You gave her a side eye. “And about Jackson, we haven’t hooked up in a while. We’re nothing, especially compared to you and Mark. We just have fun when we’re drunk or bored, honestly.”

“Yeah sure, baby. If that’s what you tell yourself before you sleep with him… Anyways, I have to go. Mark’s texted me already. Don’t wait up ok?” she said, winking at you while she left off to meet Mark. Jisoo could deny as much as she wanted, but she would never be able to fool you - and she was falling fast for him.

You waved her goodbye and started making your way towards your place. You took off your earphones and put on a song just to distract you from the cold weather. Even tho you weren’t a fan of being outside in the cold, you could use a walk. It was calming around campus, especially since it was already past 6pm and most people were off class. You walked slowly, looking up at the sky and at all the people around you. You spotted a couple, maybe around your age and wondered if they had their tattoos already.

It was common knowledge: on the morning of your 23rd birthday, you’ll get a tattoo on your wrist, your soulmate’s initial. They’ll have your first letter tattooed on their opposite wrist; there are a few rare cases where the tattoo is on the same wrist, but those are truly uncommon. You never even heard of one. And if you still haven’t found your soulmate within a year, you’ll get the first letter of their surname next to it.

In your group of friends, Mark and Jaebum were the ones who had a tattoo already. Mark had a “J” on his left wrist. He had a thing already with Jisoo even before it happened so they just kept on going. Jisoo’s tattoo was a few months away, but she seemed pretty sure she’d get an “M” on her right wrist, even tho they weren’t “official”. Jaebum, on the other hand, had a “W” on his right wrist, but he hasn’t found anyone to match. That didn’t stop him from kissing a bunch of girls at frat parties just to get over his ex though. She turned 23 before he did and when her tattoo wasn’t his initial, she broke up with him. He understood, he knew it could happen, but that doesn’t mean it was easy to get over her.

The next one to get a tattoo would be Jackson, his birthday only a week away. You two had a unique relationship - ever since you met at a party in freshman year you have got along really well; having similar personalities made it 10 times easier. You’re both social butterflies, funny, touchy and dramatic - you were just a tone lower than Jackson. That caused you to be close to one another and to flirt constantly. Jackson had always some smart comment about you and you never backed off. After a few months of shameless flirting and sexual tension, you two started hooking up in your second year at university. It happened first at a frat party when you two were drunk and horny. It was no big deal - honestly, everything with Jackson was carefree. The sex was great, intense, and there were no strings attached. You two had no reason to call it off or to start anything serious so you just left it at that, hooking up whenever you felt like it and it never affected your friendship. He hooked up with other girls sometimes, but you honestly didn’t care. You knew you were free to do the same, you just wasn’t a big fan of one night stands.

Most of your friends knew and it wasn’t a big deal for them either. After it first happened, you got home and talked to Jisoo about it. 

“Well, he’s hot and nice and you two get along really well. I honestly don’t see why not. You’re young, pretty and single. You should be having fun, you know?”

“I mean, yeah, I know. I’m just a bit… unsure? I don’t know, Jackson’s really intense and I don’t wanna feel it too much?” you didn’t wanna fall for him, not at all.

“Then don’t. Look, don’t make a big deal out of this. You two just hooked up. Make this as fun and not serious as it can be so it would be beneficial for both of you. I’m pretty sure Jackson’s not looking for a relationship right now either so.” You thought about it and Jisoo was right, you had nothing to lose - besides, it would be nice to have good sex with a good guy whenever you felt like it.

A few days later you told Jinyoung about it. He was your best friend since God knows when. You two grew up together and your moms were friends so that lead to you being friends as well. You were having coffee together when you said with a tone as normal as it could be, “I’ve slept with Jackson.”

He was taking a sip of his drink and he pretty much choked on it: “You what?”

“Yeah, I mean, you could see it coming right?” You stared at him waiting for him to say something while he looked a bit uncomfortable.

“I guess. How was it? Are you two a thing now?” he asked, not really wanting to know the answer and looking everywhere but at you.

“No, he’s all about being a free spirit right now and I don’t want a boyfriend. So I guess we’re just gonna have random sex,” you laughed.

Jinyoung gave you a smile, shaking his head, “Lucky you then.”

After a few minutes of walking, you finally reached home. You were welcomed by your cat, Winnie. You and Jisoo adopted her as soon as you moved in, both being cat lovers. She was a Tonkinese with light brown fur, darker face and ears and the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen. She curled up at your leg while you walked in: “Hey girl”, you said, patting her head. She purred, appreciating the soft touch. You left your shoes and the entry and finally made your way towards your bedroom while Winnie followed you.

You dropped your things at your writing desk and then went to your bathroom. You couldn’t wait to take a nice relaxing bath and since Jisoo was busy with Mark, you’d take that time alone for some self-care. It was Friday and you weren’t in a party mood, so you decided to open a bottle of wine and just drink it by the tub. You turned on the water, feeling it with your hand to make sure it was just the right temperature. After drying your hands, you went to the kitchen to get the bottle of wine that was just waiting for you. You got the glass and after opening the bottle you went back to the bathroom; by then the tub was almost half full and you wanted nothing more than to spend the next hour in there, drinking your wine and relaxing among the bubbles. You plugged your phone on the speaker and put on one of your favorite songs. You got one of your bath bombs out of the cabinet and proceeded to undress. When the tub was full, you got your hair up in a bun and dropped the bath bomb in the water. Immediately, the jasmine smell started to spread all over your bathroom and that made you feel calmer. The water was filled with bubbles that had all shades of pink, which was just what you needed. You got your glass of wine on the tub border and went inside. The water felt so good, you could feel it’s warmth spreading all over your body and starting to relax you.

With soft music playing on the background, you started to let your mind wander. You started to think about this soulmate thing. Your 23rd birthday was a few months away and you’d finally get your tattoo. You were not sure what that’d mean for you. You were an intense and curious person and the possibility of not finding your soulmate killed you. You wanted that, you wanted that bond and you wanted to live what you were destined to live. You were scared of ending up alone, with two letters on your wrist that you’d never find out who they belonged to. The possibility of falling in love with someone who’s not your soulmate is equally terrifying. That’s why you didn’t have any serious relationships in the past - you didn’t want to fall for someone who could not be your person. Sure, people ended up with their non-soulmates all the time, but that’s not what you want for yourself. When you fall in love, you want to do it with the right person. But how could you be sure? In theory, you couldn’t. You could find someone who’s theoretically your match, but maybe he’s not. Those who were able to find their matches, they say you just know - you feel it. But there was no way to prove it, you couldn’t be sure of it in any means other than your feelings and your heart.

After three glasses of wine, a bunch of songs and wrinkled hands, you decided it was time to get out of the tub. The wine got you a bit tipsy so you were just gonna heat up some leftover pizza and hit the bed while some movie was playing on the TV. You got your towel wrapped around your body and made your way back to your bedroom. You felt way more relaxed now. You dried off your body and got into one of your oversized t-shirts that you usually wore to sleep. Winnie was lying comfortably in your bed so you petted her tail, “I’ll be back in a second, I’ll just grab some food and I’ll come to cuddle you”. She purred in agreement and you went to the kitchen so you could finally eat something. You took the pizza out of the fridge and put it on the microwave. Once it was done, you got your plate and got back to the bedroom. You poured yourself another glass of wine and started looking for something to watch on Netflix. You settled for one of your favorite movies, “Love, Rosie”. You’ve watched it countless times and could never get tired of it. It always made you cry because you loved this idea that if two people are supposed to be together, they’ll be together in the end, no matter what. That’s what you hoped happened to you too, you hoped you’d end up with your soulmate after all.

By the time the movie ended and the second romcom you decided to watch, alongside with the bottle of wine, it was almost 11pm and you decided to go to bed. First, you went to check on your phone, who was long lost since you’ve got home. You picked it up and was greeted by some texts from Jackson:

[10:30pm] Jackson: what are you doing on this friday night beautiful

[10:31pm] Jackson: I wanna cuddle

[10:32pm] Jackson: can I come over? I swear I won’t try anything besides kissing you and cuddling

[10:45pm] Jackson: answer meeeee

You laughed at his texts - Jackson could be needy sometimes. You thought about his request - well, you had nothing to lose and you could use some strong arms cuddling you to sleep so you texted him back.

[10:50pm] you: wow friday night and you’re texting me about cuddling? why aren’t you at a party?

It didn’t even take him 2 minutes to reply.

[10:51pm] Jackson: don’t think i didn’t try! but there’s not even a single party on this campus today

[10:51pm] Jackson: besides, I’m too tired to party today and I wanna cuddle

[10:52pm] Jackson: so, can I come over or what?

[10:53pm] you: hm I guess. I could use some ok cuddles for the night.

You knew he’d whine at you calling his cuddles ok. That was a part of your relationship, this bickering, it added fuel to the dynamic.

[10:53pm] Jackson: ok??? ok??? my cuddles are fucking great.

[10:54pm] Jackson: anyways be there in five

[10:54pm] you: hurry up i’ve had a whole bottle of wine and I’m sleepy

In less than 10 minutes Jackson was ringing the doorbell, his dorm being really close to yours. You got out of bed and made your way to the entrance, Winnie following you. You opened the door and were greeted by a smiley Jackson. He was wearing sweatshirts and black adidas pants. He looked really hot in simple clothes like that.

“Hi,” he said, making his way towards you and giving you a kiss on the cheek.

“Hi,” you replied while giving him some room so he could come inside. “Can’t believe you couldn’t find a place to be tonight.”

“I did, here.” He closed the door behind him and all of the sudden Winnie showed up at his feet. “Hey pretty lady,” he said patting her head. “I swear this cat likes me more than she likes everyone else. She cuddles me whenever I come around.”

You rolled your eyes at him, “She does that to everyone Jackson, don’t be so full of yourself.” You started walking towards your bedroom and you heard his footsteps chasing after you. Suddenly, you felt strong arms being wrapped around your waist.

“Bullshit, she never does that to Jaebum,” Jackson said while he rested his head on your shoulder.

“That’s because Jaebum smells like his cats and Winnie doesn’t like that. She’s jealous,” you said, laughing.

Once you’ve reached your bedroom, you got out of Jackson’s grip and plopped onto the bed. The man was still standing at the doorway, staring at you with a pout while he took off his red hoodie, revealing a simple black shirt underneath. “What’s with the face, Jacks?”

“I know she likes me better, don’t lie to me.” He could be such a drama king sometimes and it was really amusing to watch and bicker back. Tonight though, after a bottle of wine and an exhausting day, you just wanted to sleep. 

“Jacks, please, I’m really sleepy. Just get in here.”

“Well, since you’re begging.” You smiled lightly when he laid by your side. You were facing each other and you felt his hand coming to rest on your hips, “I’ve kinda missed you.”

“Missed me or my body?” you said, teasing him.

“Stop, you know it’s not like that,” Jackson had a cute pout on his face.

You gave him a light peck on the lips, “I know, it’s just funny to see your face when I say stuff like that.”

You stroked his hair and he closed his eyes. “You look really good with dark-brown hair, you should stick to it.”

“I look good with every hair color, baby. But thanks,” he hummed softly, feeling your hands over his locks. You laughed. Jackson was such a confident person, so sure of himself. You admired that. And he also made you feel more confident yourself since he was always dropping praises your way.

You felt his hands slowly rising your t-shirt up so he could stroke your thighs with the tip of his fingers, “You know, my birthday is next Friday. It will be my 23rd.”

“Hm, I’m aware.” You closed your eyes, feeling his soft warm touch against your skin. You could also feel his face closer to your, his breath smelt like mint and it made you wanna taste it.

“You know,” you felt his hand making its way from your thighs to your cheek. “I’m gonna get my tattoo in a week,” his lips brushing against yours lightly. “And I wouldn’t mind at all if it was your initial.”

Next thing you know, his lips are fully on yours. They taste just like they smell, minty. Nevertheless, they feel warm. Everything about Jackson was warm. His touch, his kisses, his heart. He was so intense it felt like fire, and sometimes you were scared you’d get burned. You felt his tongue at your bottom lip and then it was against yours. The kiss was passionate, just like him. His hand then moved to the back of your neck as he pressed you further against him. You hummed in response, your hands against his chest, grabbing at his shirt.

His lips then moved towards your neck. On his way down, he kissed your jawline and your jugular, making you whimper.

“You said you wouldn’t try anything tonight,” you said while you felt his tongue against that soft spot he knew all too well at your neck.

“Say the word and I’ll stop. Besides, I’m still just kissing you,” he said and then bit at your neck softly, earning a low moan.

“Jacks…” You were literally exhausted and all you wanted was for him to hold you while you fell asleep. You grabbed his face gently and moved it towards yours, giving him a final kiss.

He smiled, “Fine, c’mere then.” He pulled you closer, making you rest your head on his chest. It felt warm and safe there and you started drifting away, sleepiness washing over you. “I mean it you know.”

You looked at him, half-lidded eyes, “Huh?”

“I wouldn’t mind if your initial showed up at my wrist next week.” He had such a genuine smile across his handsome face and it kinda made your heart melt.

You smiled back at him, eyes closed and ready to fall asleep, “Neither would I.”

a/n: ok so… my first experience in writing? I don’t even know how this “ok i’m gonna write” thing started tbh. I know I have a huge tendency in not finishing things up, but I have so much planned for this series, so please, bear with me. I’ll try my best within my limits ok? I wanna thank three girls who helped me a lot;  @yoongitalks, one of my inspirations, my friend and also my beta. thank you for putting up with me and for accepting my insane request of joining me on this mess. i love you to the moon and back.  @jugyoem, my baby, the amazing artist who did the cover for this fic. thank you for supporting me through everything. I love you a lot! lastly, my music expert, @yyugyx, who helped me with the playlist. can’t thank you enough for always saving me with your music knowledge. love you! anyways, feedback is always appreciated and my askbox is always open. 

[americanpsychox]

Fuck;

I feel like shit right now. And not like, sick or anything. Just a shit person. But i can’t talk to anyone about it because I literally don’t see anyone. Ever. I mean, I have plenty of opportunities to see the people i care about and love. But I always have an excuse. I don’t know if it’s the constant anxiety or the fact that I do not trust anyone anymore, but I have distanced myself from everyone so I don’t get hurt. I chose to be alone, before I’m forced to be alone. If that makes sense? I feel like everyone who I was close to has changed so much. And we have nothing in common anymore. We’re strangers connected by our past. And I feel like we’re all afraid to let go of it. I am a shit person. For all the parties, and nights out that I’m invited to but I don’t show up. I mean, i want to. And I plan on going. But then at the last minute, my emotions get the better of me and I just.... don’t go. I get all these intrusive thoughts. Like what if they don’t think my jokes are funny. What if I say something stupid. What if I have nothing in common with them anymore? The only people who I call my best friends. I can’t even bring myself to trust them about anything anymore. I’m always afraid everything I say will eventually be used against me. So I’m never truly happy. I’m never really myself. No wonder I’m fucking depressed.

Idk. I guess a big part of it has to do with my elementary school days. Not once, but twice, i befriended groups of girls. Got close to them, yanno, as close as you can get when you’re 9 or 10. And then all of a sudden I’d come to school one day and have no friends. I couldn’t sit with them at lunch. They’d run away from me at recess. And I never understood why. And eventually all my secrets would come out. I’d get nasty notes in my desk and backpack. People would steal things out of my lunchbox because I’m “fat and shouldn’t eat it all anyways.” At 10 years old. I mean, eventually i met a group of girls who I liked, and who were pretty cool. But eventually we grew apart because we just didn’t like the same things. But they were nice and I still would consider them friends. Finally in middle school. Something changed. Idk what it was. I think it had something to do with me being able to make fun of myself. I was the funny kid, and I think that showed all the mean kids that they have nothing to make fun of me for if I was already laughing about it myself. I developed a little bit of confidence and gained the friends I have today. My best friends. Adrian, Amanda, and Tyler. We’d walk home together everyday. Hang out outside of school. They were just as weird as I was. I have never felt more comfortable around anyone else in my life. I love these motherfuckers to the moon and back. And I always will. It’s just not the same kind of love anymore. I feel obligated? in a way. Which I know sounds totally bad. But I have nobody else. I had friends in high school. But that just rehashed all the elementary school issues. My first day, I met Shiane. And she was weirdly cool, and nice to me. And I met Dillon, who helped me get to Vannoy’s class before saying he was going to skip it himself. lol But eventually I started to like DIllon as more than a friend, and ruined that friendship. And Shiane was... well, Shiane. It was just too dramatic for me. But being from such a small high school, everyone was friendly. But nobody was my friend. Oh except Eve! Ider how we met. But she was always there for me. It just sucks that we live so far away from each other and both have jobs and school. I definitely will always remember Eve as a true friend. And then there was Jorge and Jaclyn and Mariah. We were all pretty close too. Jorge moved away to go to college. Jaclyn started hanging out with other people. Mariah and I got into this huge fight about, idek what. I thought it was about my car, but I have no idea what it ended up being about. We just cut the friendship up. And that’s when everything started to fall apart for me. I couldn’t vent about anything, anywhere. Like, this is what I do. I blog. I have since middle school matmice days. lol and I couldn’t because everything I said got twisted and turned around, and sent to the people I was no longer friends with and fueled even more arguments and fights. I couldn’t talk to the friends I had left because Jorge and Amanda were away in college. Adrian was involved with a new girlfriend so he was MIA. I had Tyler. Who was telling me everything I was doing was okay but I couldn’t understand why I was getting so much shit for it. The first time I try and defend myself against people, and try to get them to understand my point of view and I failed. So I stopped getting close to people again. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to get close to them. It’s too much. I had Emmanuel, at this point. And I know he’s a great guy, but I don’t trust him like I used to. Mainly because every single time i’d go out with him, he would want to talk about Mariah. And i was over it at that point. And i knew everything I would say, would get back to her, and she would say I was still talking shit about her. So I told him something I hadn’t told anyone else. Because I had my suspicions that he was the leak, I just needed proof. I talked to him about it, and I didn’t see another single person for like 2 weeks. And sure enough. I was told to keep her name out of my mouth. So that ended that. I now had nobody else to vent to. I bottled everything up. Until eventually I broke.

Now I’m back to how I was in middle school. Crippling anxiety. Feeling like I’m never good enough for anything. I’m tired all the time even though I don’t do shit and sleep most of the time. I don’t move. I don’t eat. I like to pretend everything is okay, and I check in on Snapchat and facebook with all the “good things” happening. I’m going to school at least. But I can only bare to do online classes because being in public alone like that scares the shit out of me. I’m on so many medications, and now I’m about to lose my insurance so Idk how I’m going to afford them. And I’m not saying all this for the pity. Or so people feel bad for me. I just want them to understand. This isn’t about just one incident. This shit has been happening to me my entire life, and it’s the reason I’m so fucked up. And maybe it is all my fault. I’m a bitch. I talk shit. I tell people when they’re fucking stupid. But that’s all I know. Because if I don’t do it first, they’ll do it to me. If i don’t put the attention on them and their mistakes, it comes back to me and what I did. And there you go. More friendships down the drain. Goooooood. Why the fuck am I like this!? I want to just be a normal person. But instead I sit here alone, staring at the assignments I have to do, but not actually doing them. Listening to Taylor Swift and talking to my cats. Because why the fuck not right?

Amanda wants to hang out, and I tell her I can’t because I’m sick, or have school, or I’m working. Even though I haven’t been there in like 3 months.

Adrian and Kayla invite me to everything, all the time. But I don’t go because what if someone I don’t like is there? I don’t want to be in an awkward situation that leads me to panicking and just going down hill from there. Which sucks because I love that family and I miss Melanie so much. And I haven’t even met Oliver yet.

But they’re the only 2 friendships I’ve had since middle school. I don’t want to fuck it up by doing something stupid. I can’t be alone again. Even though by doing this, I am alone.

There are literally 3 people in my life that i trust. With anything and everything. And I don’t deserve them. They are wonderful people. And I love them so much. We have a weird chemistry, of talking only when it’s convenient and I don’t feel pressured to be anyone but myself when I’m with them. I can say and do what I want and there is no judgement. Jennifer Rodriguez, you are an amazing person. You and this next person are probably the only 2 people who are going to read this entire thing. lol But you were the first one of Adrian’s girlfriends who I actually got along with Which, idk why that’s such a big deal. It just was at the time. And even though you aren’t together anymore, you continue to be a great friend to Tyler and I. We have the deepest of conversations and you even lived with us for a while. And it wasn’t weird at all. (Which is amazing). Thank you for being the wonderful and unique person you are. We love you Jennnay! Annnnddd Emily Rivera. We met in high school, but weren’t really close friends. She ended up on Shiane’s side for a while, and I couldn’t understand why. So that led me to be a complete bitch and cut her off for a while. It wasn’t until after high school, that we started to get to be friends again. And I feel like it’s just going to get better from there. This one night, we went out to Applebees, with Tyler as our DD. And we both were DRUNK. That was probably the best night I’ve had in years. It was so much fun, and I wish we could do it again. But I can’t drink anymore ): lol Anyways. We have the same dark and creepy sense of humor, which is a plus. And our friendship basically consists of sending each other snapchats and talking about our lives. Which is nice. Especially since I don’t feel comfortable going out yet. She’s another person who I can tell something to, and get an honest opinion without being judged. What more could you ask for in a friendship? <3 And the third person is Tyler of course. He’s been here for over 9 years. And I can’t believe he still is. He helps me get through panic attacks, and deals with me in my manic episodes. He knows when to shut the fuck up and just hold me, and when it’s okay to bring sensitive things up. These past couple years have been tough on us. Me not working as much, buying a house, and finding out we can’t start a family because I can’t have kids. But he’s still here for me. Even though we’ve been talking about having kids for a couple years now, he’s okay with the fact we’re going to have to wait til we can afford to adopt. Which is... just wow. Like, he could leave me, and go have a family and a house with someone else. But he chose to stay with me, by my side through everything. And I couldn’t ask for a better fiance.

I have no idea where I’m going with this anymore. Like i said before, I use tumblr to vent and shit. Just whatever happened to come to mind at the time came out. So now I get to prepare for all the shit I’m going to get in response to this. Like, i get STRANGERS telling me to kill myself. In what world is that okay? This is MY blog. I get to post what I WANT. And if you really don’t like it, why are you reading it? Mental health is something that a lot of people don’t understand and they think it’s not such a big deal when it is. So, just think about the other person before you go and post that bullshit about how I just want attention or I want to start an argument. Sometimes you just need to let it all out. And this is my way of doing that. This is my way of letting everything go, and starting over, and finally trying to move on. I need to get better. It’s time

[alexbrowninfo]

New People Aren’t Scary, But I Am

I've spent much of the Easter weekend trying to write something about my experiences with social anxiety and how I've recently been trying to be less judgmental towards myself about how I handle other people. To be honest, I've struggled to mould my thoughts into something coherent, probably because I'm putting too much pressure on myself to write something ‘perfect’ rather than just getting my thoughts out. So, after a few frustrating drafts, I've decided to have one more attempt.

I recently encountered some New People. The encountering of a New Person can trigger a very specific behavioural pattern in me. This can be summarised like so:

I met a New Person or New People.

They seem nice.

They don't seem to hate me.

I would like to be friends with them.

*subconscious faulty logic resulting from  experiences that happened over two decades ago*

I'M GOING TO FUCK THIS UP! WHAT DO I DO?! PANIC!

This was me for a week afterwards, second-guessing myself, not able to be OK with who I was, not knowing if I was too much, not enough, being annoying, being creepy, replying and reacting to too much on social media... And it was nothing the New People had done. It was purely in my head.

Social anxiety is that is not so much a fear of other people, but more a fear of oneself. In this instance I was scared of how the New People would react to my actions.

I spend a lot of time thinking about all the reasons why people could dislike me, and then try to think of EVERY POSSIBLE THING I CAN DO to ensure that they will like me. This then results in a quasi-sycophantic ballet, contorting myself into positions that other people will find pleasing. Burgeoning friendships risk ending up being unbalanced, with me trying to be the person that I think other people want me to be.

It's also incredibly draining. The energy it takes to constantly monitor my actions to make sure no one is going to be upset with me... well, it's exhausting. And then, once the New Person and I have parted company, there's even more panic. I replay scenes that I feel embarrassed about over and over in my head, picking them apart, beating myself up about them. (Fun fact: My brain will sometimes smack me around the consciousness with these moments years later.)

Social media can make things worse, too. For example, something will happen that will make me think of New Person, something that I might find funny or think they might find interesting. But then I stop myself. I'll sit for minutes, trying to analyse why this person is on my mind, why I'm sending them the message. Will I annoy them? Will this be the thing that makes them block me? And then, after all this, if I do resolve to send them the message, within seconds I will go into Deep Panic. Shit, I shouldn't have sent them that joke, that song, that opinion, that question, that picture of a cat. That was the thing that has made them decide I'm not worth bothering with any more. They think I'm obsessive or an idiot or boring. In fact they already think I'm an obsessive, boring idiot and this has made things worse. I'm a terrible person, I've always known it, and now they've found me out. Why am I always such an idiotic, terrible person?!

I even worry about whether I've ‘liked’ too many of their posts, that they'll think I'm obsessive or sycophantic... Which I probably am, but that's definitely not the intention in those moments.

Of course, if someone reacts badly to something I say or do, it's clearly my fault. It's because I've missed something; I've thought hard about every possible eventuality and yet I didn't plan for this potential mistake. I'm the one that has done wrong and I need to think much harder next time. It could never be because the other person is being irrational, or has misunderstood me, or that we just don't agree and I've forgotten that disagreement is fine. I end up putting myself into this ever-spiralling shitstorm of a mindset, spending my time fearing people's responses of people to everything I do and don't do.

To top it all off, because I am over-thinking every action that I take, it becomes infinitely harder to judge whether I'm overreacting, or if I actually am being too much. And I know this. Which makes it even worse.

This then repeats over and over for a week or two. Every interaction is filled with panic. Every message painstakingly crafted so that it doesn't upset the other person. And even then, the worry that I've missed something that will be the final nail in the coffin of this potential friendship.

In fact, all of this happens to one or other degree with most people I know, even if I've known them for years. Which means I can never truly be myself. I'm constantly picking the bits of myself to suit an occasion or a person, second guessing other people's reactions, hoping I'm always going to do the ‘right’ thing in any given moment. I can't just ‘be.’ I can't just accept that some people will like me, some people won't, and that's OK.

In the first draft of this post I was much more confused and frankly scathing about my social anxiety. I talked much more about paradoxes, doublethink, obsessiveness, being more frustrated with myself than compassionate.

For example, I wrote that I was both worried that people both didn't care about me and yet everything I did mattered to everyone. What I've realised is that the truth is simpler and less insidious. I subconsciously believe that people will pay the most attention to me when I fail.

I know where this comes from. My years at secondary school weren't the so-called ‘best of my life. I was quite badly bullied. Amongst other things, I was labelled a boffin, mocked when I got things right, mocked more when I got things wrong. I wasn't even super-clever, I was just enthusiastic about learning and quite good at languages and computers. This went on for just shy of five years.

Another thing I talked about was the belief that, at any given point, I could do something that makes someone not like me anymore. But I know where this one comes from, too: A close friendship at Sixth Form with a girl, which ended very suddenly and resulted in her ghosting me. A situation that started me on a downward spiral that culminated in me moving to a different Sixth Form. Yes, I understand the futility of stewing over the aftermath of a relationship with a woman who probably hasn't thought about me in two decades. And it's not like I'm looking for some form of reconciliation; I genuinely don't see the point. Yet here I am, brain still dealing with a situation that, while it had a huge impact on me, happened in 1997.

On the subject of obsessiveness... Actually, it's enthusiasm turned sour by embarrassment. People who know me well will know how excited I can get about all sorts of things: computers, electronics, technology (especially a certain handheld computer from the 90s), music, singing, the history of East Germany, audio editing, languages, linguistics, writing, travelling, maps...  Surely it's natural that this excitement and enthusiasm might extend to the people in my life? I will get really excited about the New Person, then panic because I'm terribly embarrassed by myself and don't want them to know. I then feel like I have to shape myself into being what I think they need me to me; an imitation of myself, a facsimile.

Also, people are autonomous. Unlike my various hobbies and interests, they have a personality. They have opinions. They can react. The personality, opinions and reactions of a New Person are as-yet unknown entities and, because I don't trust myself to react ‘correctly’ (a wholly subjective concept), I panic. Add to that the potential mockery and risk of a sudden ghosting and you can see why I don't handle New People well.

In the past few weeks I've been trying to be kinder to myself about my social anxiety. There isn't an Adult Friendship Protocol in our culture allowing us to approach friendships with the directness of a four-year-old by simply asking another person, “Will you be my friend?” So, until we can remove the opaqueness of adult relationships that we seem to encourage in Western society, I need to take a new three-part approach.

First, I want to worry less about people's reactions to me. It's been difficult for me to remember that adults, generally speaking, don't act like teenagers and, if they do, they're probably not people I want to hang around with. I also need to remember that people are generally more preoccupied with themselves and their own lives. They're certainly not waiting for me to make a mistake so that they can pick holes in my ego.

Second, I want to own myself. I want to worry less about my enthusiasm for both things and people and, instead, be proud of it. I want to be unapologetic about who I am and what I'm interested in. Excitement is OK.

Finally, I want to be OK with not making friends with a person. People differ and don’t get on, and that’s OK. I'm not a terrible person, so chances are that if people don't like me for whatever reason—even my over-enthusiastic tendencies—there will be others that do.

In summary, the key—the KEY—is to be less embarrassed by myself. So next time you encounter me, whether online or in real life, I hope to be more like myself. Let's see how that goes, shall we?

[deadmantalking117]

ONE OF "THOSE" PEOPLE

I'm on Social Security Disability. S.S.I. Medicare. Have been a long time. I'm putting that right out front because what I've learned in the past 35 years is this... Most of Americans haven't got the first clue what that means or what's involved. The staggering amount of misinformation going around out there is truly impressive. So today my diseased maniacs we're going to cover some of that misinformation. Maybe clear up a couple things. This is going to a longer one. Everyone stay frosty! PEOPLE ON DISABILITY ARE SCAMMERS WHO ONLY WANT A FREE RIDE FROM US REAL TAXPAYERS! I've refered to the disability system as ThunderDome. There is nothing easy about it. It's an ordeal like no other. No job I've ever heard of can match the unbridled carnage of working through the disability system! To begin with... you don't just decide.. "I don't feel like working anymore!" Only a doctor can decide that.. several of them actually. Plus a bunch of government types. People hear about disability scammers and think that some lazy dude is sitting around.. drinking beer.. collecting his checks. The real scammers are anything but lazy.. they are usually doctors actually.. and they work their asses off! The people they use are usually ignorant dupes. Getting on disability is so daunting it discourages lazy people from getting it. Even when they really need it. I've known several people who were genuinely sick or injured. But they just gave up because it was too overwhelming. There was a really popular article going around facebook about these people who got disability so they could get free money from some other agency which got them more money from this place..which got them even more money from that place. It was like 10 different money grabs and they were living in a mansion raking in over a quarter million a year. Plus food stamps. These things dont exsist. While some of the programs might exsist. Having one cancels the possibility of getting some others.. there are different agencies that have their own programs.. but unless they were using multiple IDs.. I highly doubt it. And after i show you next, the ordeal to just get started.. you should doubt it too. But if they were able to pull this off.. they worked their butts off for it! I'm not saying it right.. but it's impressive. Years ago I worked for an electronics store. We had VCRs hooked together to copy tapes. A guy came in a couple times to make a copy of surveillance tapes he'd made. He was an investigator for the government.. he followed people who'd been "injured" and tape them. I personally watched 12 different cases of fraud. My favorite was the really hot girl he videoed hobbling out of the court house on crutches. With a neck brace. Cut to the very next day.. in a bikini.. doing actual cartwheels on the beach. He had a dozen more. My point is. Of course there are always going to be lazy people who want to take advantage. But its really not that simple. And not as many people get away with it as you might think. YOU'RE THINKING.. HEY, DISABILITY STILL SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST DEAL EVER! WHERE DO I SIGN UP? You get sick or injured You have to be permanently sick or injured.. Meaning you're never going to get better. If there's any chance you'll get better.. You're out Next you're doctor has to decide that you're not ever going to recover..that usually takes a few years.. hundreds of tests.. thousands of dollars. If he doesn't think you're disabled.. You're out Now the fun part. You apply for disability . Send off for your forms and applications. With your doctor's blessing you gather up all your medical records from all of your doctors. And oh yeah.. if you only need 1 or 2 doctors.. You're probably out. When I started applying.. I had 3 file boxes with records.. just the past 2 or 3 years. I imagine that's a bit different today.. computer records weren't around then. But if you do apply.. You'll still need lots of your medical information at your fingertips. You get your first official government envelopes. Actually big stuffed things with information pamphlets and more forms than you've ever seen. Massive amounts of new information that you have to learn. More about forms later... Be sure to read and fill out EVERY line.. every space. Write neatly. Spell check. If theres any confusion on any questions... Or any missing info. They can't read or understand what you're writting..You're out. Start over again. Somehow you've done it.. all your forms are filled out neatly and correctly.. you've provided tons of proof about your illness.. you've provided them with every single scrap of financial information about you since you were born. You have your doctors blessing.. all 3 of them in fact! They now know everything there is to know about you.. seriously.. EVERYTHING . Those forms are extremely comprehensive. No one disputes your claim.. everyone agrees.. you are disabled. You get your reply after maybe 90 days DISABILITY DECLINED Because of course! Everyone gets turned down the first time.. or two. It's kinda built into the system.. by turning down everyone at first.. it weeds out the scammers! Remember that lazy beer drinking scammer.. he's done with this shit. He just spent the past couple months working his butt off for NOTHING! But not you.. You're not faking it.. you are seriously sick. You can barely get out of bed some days. And you have a family to take care of. So.. You file an appeal.. and you have 90 days to start that.. so get to it! You send in your appeal application and sometime in the next 90 days or so. More giant envelopes arrive with more forms. And more information to absorb. But whats funny? A lot of these forms have the exact same information as the forms you've already filled out! They already have all this information.. remember that after the first round.. they know everything there is to know about you.. but ok fine.. we'll tell the tale again. And you submit your appeal.. this time it's a bit easier.. but still time consuming.. and don't forget how sick you still are. This is it! You get your official government envelope. APPEAL DENIED You look at your 3 boxes of files. Your two file folders for your copies of the applications and the appeal.. plus the separate file for all your current financial info. All your financial info has to be current. Every utility bill.. bank statements.. credit cards.. receipts.. you have to prove where every dime goes and it must be up to the minute. You just wanna go have a beer with lazy scammer guy now. But cant do that! You got a family to take care of.. and you've barely been able to work at all the past couple years. Besides.. now you're kinda pissed. No one disputes that you should be on disability.. except apparently uncle Sam. Time to get a T.V. lawyer! Disability lawyers serve a useful function to the system. Their job is to review all of your information and get it up to government specs. When you hire a disability lawyer they don't charge you to take your case. They'll only take you if they're sure you're actually disabled. That's because they only get paid if you win your new appeal. The good part about applying for disability is that everything starts from the date of your first application. Meaning, once you do get approved.. you usually have a couple years of back pay coming. The lawyers get a quarter or third of that first check. You get say ten thousand dollars.. they get three of that. It's actually a good deal for both of you. The lawyer doesn't have to do much. You've already done every bit of the work for them. They review it all. Make sure you dotted your T's and crossed your I's. Then pretty it up and file for round 3. It's a good deal for you.. because if a lawyer does take your case on contingency.. You're probably going to get approved (eventually) The hearing before a disability judge. You meet your lawyer again at whatever government building your hearing is being held in. And she leads you into a conference room. You chat for about a half hour or so before the hearing starts so she can review your testimony. You're going to have to to convince a judge that you're sick.. not just with your boxes of files.. show him what that means for you. My lawyer told me.. if you feel like you have to have a bowel movement. Or you get nauseous during the hearing.. be sure to ask the judge for a break. These hearings are stressful on people. Especially people with Crohns. So dont hesitate to ask for a break. ( ok.. I thought.. thats aweful considerate.. but I'm fine right now) The she took my hand and looked me in the eyes. Speaking very slowly and deliberately she says again...You need to be sure to ask for a break if you feel any need to go to the bathroom at all. Understand? ( aaahhh.. ok got it ! Wink,wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!) The hearing last less than an hour or so. The lawyer and the judge review some legalese. Most of what they're talking about is gibberish to me. After a half hour.. I asked to be excused to go to the bathroom. I actually did have pee a little. But afterwards while we're walking out she smiles at me and says.. that went well. Finally after almost 2 years I got approved! But thats only the start of the real work. Now I'm officially one of "those" people. A drain on society.. a sponge.. a parasite. At least now I can be sure that I have a few hundred bucks coming in each month. I still work part time.. You're allowed to make less than a thousand dollars per month in income when you go on disability.. so the very most I can bring in between my S.S.I. and whatever I can still earn is maybe 20,000 dollars per year. This is what they mean by living in a fixed income. We're livin large now baby! But the more important issue is.. I have some kind of insurance finally! But theres so much more in store for you. YOU'VE DONE IT.. YOU'RE ON DISABILITY. THE CASH IS ROLLING IN AND THE DOCTORS ARE GETTING PAID. IT'S MILLER TIME! RIGHT? Not quite. Over and over you'll get envelopes from good ole Baltimore Maryland. Home of the social security administration. They need this.. or they don't have their copy of that. Random letters with some new form. The thing about government forms is.. their meaning isnt always clear. They seem a little convoluted sometimes. "Add the total of lines 17b to lines 17c and 17h. But only if it is in direct opposition to the tertiary algorithm from form 3768-d. You may need to reference your proprietary issuance schedule to access the proper formula to make this claim. (U.S. Government Form 6009)." I don't know how they could make that any clearer.. I'm just saying.. I'm not really that smart. Which one was line 17b again? Regular updates on your income from the local offices. Gotta bring copies of all your newest bills.. and oh yeah.. that 3000 in stocks you saved from your last job? That's gotta go!. You can generate income from stock ownership.. You're not allowed too much income remember? And we need to double check every bank accout you have.. verify that you dont have a dime. The guy who checks under your mattresses will be out sometime on Tuesday. Then of course the reviews. Occasionally they'll want to have you checked out by their people to make sure you didn't accidentally get better. Now, because my disease has been well documented for 35 years and it's incurable. I've only had 2 reviews. The first one after a couple years. He just reviewed my charts. And signed off. No exam .. no tests. Barely said a word. My last one was about 3 years ago. He was awesome. We went into his office and just made fun of the system. He couldn't believe I was there. He gets paid by the government to check the patients the computer sends to him. He said.. "I get a few people in per week that have incurable diseases.. what do they think is going to happen? I'm going to say wow! His intestines grew back.. he's all better now!" He said he did get some questionable patients. They get completely retested for whatever they supposedly had. But the vast majority were legit. We had to spend a half hour together for the interview and records review.. we talked about movies for 25 of those minutes. One more thing. Never change your job. It confuses everything. "You mean.. You're working less hours at a more convenient job. And you still aren't making over $1000 .. right? We'll need to see all your financial info since 1954. " But I wasnt even born til 59! "Oh.. in that case.. we'll need your 6472-g25 Waiver issuance request. For amortization of residual issuances notwithstanding any prior findings of such issuances. (U.S. Government form 77684)" OOPS ! I DID IT AGAIN - I THINK I MIGHT HAVE SCREWED SOMETHING UP. usually with all the forms flying back and forth. The government is actually quite reasonable about you handing in your homework. On most forms and information requests. You get like 30 days for this or 90 days to reply to that. But always more than enough time. If you do screw up something, you get a warning shot.. but honestly I wouldn't push it.. Keep up with your paperwork.. be timely. Once there's a problem. It takes time to iron it out. You may not be getting paid while you do. Years ago.. we had moved to a new place in the same town. My checks have always been direct deposit. So I never thought to file with social security.. stuff got forwarded automatically anyway. But one month. My account is empty. And I call to ask why. They've temporarily suspended my check until they could investigate potential fraud. Right after we moved. The very next month actually. The street we used to live on got it's name changed! We had lived at 133 main st.. but now there was no such place. I could prove that I was in fact living now at 768 elm st. But the previous 5 years? How could you have been living at 133 main when there's no such place? So I had to go down to the local office and explain that 133 main st. Is still there... it's just called 133 terrace ave now. I offered to drive the guy over and show him the house. But he was familiar with the situation already and was actually able to get into the system and fix it. Next month I got 2 checks. A DEAD MAN'S REVIEW OF THE SYSTEM The Social Security system is actually as far as I've seen and in my vast experience . Not all that bad. It's kind of an unwieldy beast. And I'm sure there are many areas that could be improved upon.. but there's a lot to say good about it. After a couple years of grinding persistence. I got in. No one ever for a second denied that I was disabled.. like I said. It's just how it works. Once you're in.. there's still work to be done.. lots of it. But you can deal with that. For doing your homework on time. You get a check on the third of every month. Without fail. I have direct deposit. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Your check goes in promptly on the 3rd. And in months where the 3rd is a weekend or holiday, you get it earlier. In the bank. No waiting for the mailman. Medicare takes care of your doctors. So you don't have to stress over all that. They keep all your records. I just go to my appointments. Or the ER. Or hospital. The doctors know what Medicare covers. Medicare takes care of the bills. Better than any insurance.. I don't have to stay in network. No pre approvals. No deductibles. Usually no copays. Insurance companies are a horror to deal with. And they can say no anytime they want.. it's their job to deny coverage. I've never been denied treatment, ever. When I had heart issues out of the blue last year. I got wheeled through a battery of tests. Never saw a bill. I get statements from Baltimore that say on the envelopes NOT A BILL. I'm sure there are many things that require some discussion. But all the regular stuff is covered. Prescriptions are usually a dollar or two. Government employees.. contrary to popular belief.. are usually efficient and helpful. The vast majority of people that work for the administration are quite good at their jobs. There are people who suck at their jobs.. in every job. Even doctors! ( Dr Pencil Mustache) but the main issue with employees at social security offices is. There are so many claimants and so many rules.. and so much paperwork. Bring a book! Usually they're quick getting you in and out. Say.. better than the DMV. Not as quick as the post office. But then the post office doesnt have to deal with "form HG563-d/5 special dispensation for administrative assessment facilitates as they pertain to cost distribution for the amortizing schedules for the year 2018. (Reorder form 7887)" so they got it pretty easy over there. Being one of "THOSE" people used to bother me a lot. Being a welfare parasite, feeding off the teats of good hardworking folks... It's embarrassing for people to know. And the reaction from some people is scary. Most people understand that - I didn't do anything wrong. They're glad we live in a country where we try to look out for each other. And everyone agrees that things could certainly be improved upon. But some people are cruel. It would be better if I just threw myself onto a funeral pyre and saved the taxpayers some money. But the thing is.. I'm a taxpayer too.. for over 40 years.. and I really enjoy irritating assholes. So.... Dead Man Talking!

[activatingaggro]

LET’S TALK ABOUT MURDER

After driving @rebatrolls‘ Hadean to Providence to meet up with Prisma and fight Ashley, Sipara tries to figure out a couple of things: if she’s jealous, how she feels about Prisma, and why Hadean won’t fucking fight her.

Luckily, they’re sharing a hotel room, so he’s right on hand to help her figure out the answers. With tears. As one does. (12,615 words.)

mar-Last Monday at 1:23 PM

The shower liner has a hole, and Bennue's proving unrepentant, even as you dunk him in the sink for the third time. There's bubbles up to your wrists, but the mass is steadily decreasing as your lusus thrashes around in the water.

It's a good thing your hair wasn't dry: you're pretty sure he's spraying more water than he's getting on him, at this point, even with you holding his body in place.

"Stooop," you whine, and he just shrills at you in response. When you hear the knock, it's a good distraction. "Yeah, dude, get in here! And, uh - bring scissors!"

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 1:32 PM

You're not sure how this talk is going to go, but you're pretty sure it's an important one to have.

You hadn't really realized that Sipara was actually serious about the whole fighting thing- sure, maybe when you first met... But now? And especially after she saw you draining things? You had to clear the air.

You geared yourself up to knock, ear close to the door to listen in. You could faintly smell burnt plastic even through the door, so you're trying to prepare yourself for what was in store for you.

"Are there even scissors in the hotel room?" Fuck it, you can make her some. You crack the door open enough to squeeze inside, trying to keep the smell as contained in the room as possible. "What even happened in here? Do I wanna know?"

mar-Last Monday at 1:42 PM

"I don't know," you say, frustrated, and free a hand to wave him in. Or you try: you mostly just fling bubbles at him. "He saw a bird in the curtain, so he attacked it, but guess what -"

Bennue trills. You pause to repeat it back to him, mocking. "- the bird was his reflection, cause he's fucking dumb,  and now he's covered IN plastic."

"But, like, never mind that, I got him. Once he tires himself out." You have to raise your voice over the splashing, but whatever, he'll deal: Pri is in on the secret. "You that worried about fucking up my worms?"

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 1:52 PM

It's sorta cute, the way she interacts with her little puffball lusus. It's definitely different than your own relationship with your pops. His was the attitude of a martyr who just had to suffer through all your decisions, there was always that undercurrent of disapproval. He just knew that there was no stopping you when you made your mind up, so all he could do was enable.

"Man Bennue, hard lesson to learn about reflections. At least he's gonna be okay?" She didn't seem too worried about his health at least. And really you had bigger things to worry about. Like ruining her idea that you didn't eat people.

"Sip... C'mon. We both know you're smarter than that. If I can drain a worm, a hoofbeast, and a cluckbeast... Of course I can drain a troll." Time to see if she took your abnormalities as well as Prisma did.

mar-Last Monday at 2:26 PM

Well, that's a bomb.

Bennue's still thrashing, so you use that as an excuse to gather your thoughts. It's not like this is exactly a bomb shell, is it? You guessed! You just don't particularly like the thought of it. Or how close he came to touching your skin, the first time you met. But the fact he killed your prosthetics and didn't do anything to you is.. good, right? It's something, at least.

Your ears had dropped while you're thinking. You flick them back up, deliberate, when you look at him - and click your tongue, disapproving as fuck. "He'll be fine~! Once he's peeled. And - fuck off, no shit." "Is that what you're worried about?" It's tempting to tack an insult on, but you're being serious.

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 2:35 PM

The way her ears droop hurts a little, but you're trying to steel yourself up for this. The truth had to come out eventually, didn't it? You both couldn't just keep tip-toeing around it, not when she had so much of the puzzle put together already.

You were just forcing her to slot in that final piece that she had been ignoring.

Of course you were worried about her reacting badly. Thinking back to all the times you had been in contact with her, or someone she cared about, with fresh eyes. But you hadn't culled any of them. You hadn't considered it. You weren't a monster. Emerel just. Didn't count.

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. I don't want to mess you up like that. Or Pris. I'm not saying I would on purpose! But sometimes it's just a reflex I can't help if, y'know. I'm in danger. Or think I am in a split moment at least." You're hoping you don't look too upset over this. But damnit, you had started to let her get close.

mar-Last Monday at 3:34 PM

Hadean's deflated. Maybe? You've never been good at folks, but when you look at him long-ways, he's gone all funny at the edges, his mouth tucked all strange for all that he's still got that perma-frown plastered on.

(You don't usually think of it as a frown! It's just his face, but usually, you haven't gone and upset him, either.)

"Look," you say, then pause. Bennue's gone still in the sink, like he can sense the tension, and his eyes are locked on you as you think. You tighten your grip on him, just in case. The last thing you need is for him to decide Hads is upsetting you, and go for the throat. "Look." "So your psi's murder people.  Whatevs."

The way you twist your mouth shows it's a little more than something, but what're you supposed to say? He isn't saying anything like it's a problem, so neither are you. "If it's a reflex, then, like, it's good to master it, right? Never mind me or Pri. What if your lusus gets into a spat, or spooks you?"

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 3:42 PM

The pause between her 'looks' feels like it stretches for eternity, just trying to ramp you up in to full out distress. You tamp down on that impulse though, you gotta. You freaking out would just make her freak out after all.

Fuck. What did you do if she freaked out on you? What could you do to make her keep quiet? Is culling people for a living and culling people for food really that different?

She's talking again and her lips aren't following what's coming out of them. You try not to focus on that twist, even as your thinkpan is demanding to think about how this is going to affect everything. How was she going to treat you now that she knew you could possibly off her with a hug? You should have known this was a bad idea.

"My lusus doesn't really... Spat. I dunno. I have to think that I'm about to be culled, y'know? More than just a spook I guess. You just get more of those 'I could die' moments in a fight." You try to make your shrug casual, but your can feel how tight your shoulders are. Damnit.(edited)

mar-Last Monday at 4:00 PM

'kay, he's definitely.. something. If it was anyone else, this is the point you'd prod them to see if they'll take a swing! But that's not productive with Hadean, especially not when he's scared you're going to cull him.

If you were an upstanding sort of person, you would. If you were Pheres, you would, and the thought makes you tense, your ears flicking back again. You'll just.. have to make sure Pheres doesn't find out, that's all. That's fine. It's not like he'd care, anyway: Hads and him aren't gonna be chummy, not after Hadean mauled his matesprit. Or.. attempted to murder him, apparently.

Aw, shit.

"You still don't wanna do it on accident." Bennue gives a questioning little chirp as you set him down on the sink, but you've got bigger problems than his plastic-y wings. "Don't fall off," you tell him, tapping his rump, and he starts preening for you, beat tugging at the plastic shards hard enough to pull. So you turn your attention to Hadean. .. yeah, he's stressing. And you don't know what he wants. You hate when you don't know what folks want.

"If it's a reflex," you say, patient, "it can be trained. You ever culled someone you like, dude? Just 'cause, like, you were scared?"

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 4:08 PM

Your acid sac is twisting when she tenses, ears going low again. You have no idea what's going on in her thinkpan, all you can read is her body language and it's not looking pretty. Why did you decide to do this in the bathroom? It seemed so huge before, but suddenly you were feeling trapped.

"No. I don't want... That." You look at her lusus, it seems like a safer target to look at for now- while still being close enough to her that you could detect any sudden movements.

Would she attack you? You hoped not. But did you want to risk trusting her too much at the same time? She wasn't Prisma, she wasn't... A criminal just by existing like he is. But she withstood his crimes. You weren't that much different, were you?

Except Prisma didn't try murdering anyone. "No. I don't... I don't take a troll's life all at once." Is this the best time to be explaining how you cull people? Fuck it. "A higher a troll, the longer it takes. But it... takes sweeps off a troll. Later on in life. Makes a troll age faster. I've seen that."

And Gliese. Fuck, you ate Gliese. No one knew you did though. No one had to know. By the time that came up Sipara would be so much dust though.

That was... Fine. Right?

mar-Last Monday at 4:36 PM

You lean against the sink, resting your elbow on the ledge. He's seen people age faster? That's.. you're not sure how to take that. You're not sure how to take any of this, honestly, because right here's Hadean: your friend, your new favorite, the best person in the entire fucking city until Lal gets his ass in gear. You like Prisma! But Hadean's yours, in a way that nobody else is.

This should probably change things, but... .. whatever. You've never claimed to be a good person. That's always been Pheres's job.

"'kay. Good. Listen up, then: I have," you say, tugging on your ear to play with the hoops. The jangle's.. not really soothing, but it's about as discordant as your mood. What does he even want?

"I totally did, just 'cause we were fighting, and they both made me mad.  It was, like, way fucked up. Totally reflexes. Didn't even feel bad about it, until my ash smacked me half-silly. And, like, that was important!" "'cause if he didn't, I wouldn't have, like.."

You pause, rolling your shoulders back with a huff. "I wouldn't have cared," you say, flat. "Not ever enough to work on it. But I did. And I fixed it. And I don't fucking do it anymore, not on reflex, not even when Riccin is fucking around and I really, really could. Your psi's a weapon, bulgemunch, but, like - everything's a weapon. Y'know?"

.. are you helping? Fuck. The next pause makes you lose steam all at once.

".. your psi isn't anymore dangerous than anything else," is what you end on, wrinkling your nose even as you say it. "Like, Pri could get spooked and pop off both of our heads. Whatevs. It's a thing."

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 5:32 PM

You look back at her when she starts talking, just watching her toy with her ear. Was she nervous? Did she think you were going to hurt her or something now? No, no. She's not sounding like a troll who is terrified of being culled. Despite what your traitorous thinkpan wanted to whisper in to your ear. She's just...

Trying to lecture you. Like you didn't just tell her you ate people and were kind of afraid of eating her. This was. Her way of trying to comfort you, isn't it? Maybe? Of course she's not good at it, you've seen her with other trolls plenty. She was too gruff for all the right words that some other trolls might be able to spout off on command.

You didn't quite notice you were shaking, not at first. It was only when you looked away from her, down, that you noticed. Why the fuck were you trembling? You weren't some little wriggler who needed comforting. You should be saying something witty. Something to cut this tension that just kept building.

But your throat felt tight. It felt hard to breathe. Was there something in your eye- oh fuck no. You do not cry. You duck your head to just scrub your hands down your face, thinkpan blaring against this sudden shitstorm of feelings. It had been a hell of a week. You almost died, then you got the shit beat out of you again. You spilled your total guts to Pris and had been accepted. And now Sip was just trying to be nice about you eating people.

But you're pretty sure sobbing like a pupa would help nothing. You had to suck it up. You were good at that. "Thanks." You were going to kick your own ass for how small your voice was. Fuck you. You were garbage.

mar-Last Monday at 5:48 PM

Oh, no. Oh, fuck everything, is he crying? You should really rethink this. Logically, you know that getting all up in the face of a distressed troll is a bad idea! You've hit people for less. But he's crying, or he's about to start, and you fucked this up, just like you were convinced you were going to.

You tried, but - trying doesn't matter if it doesn't fucking work, does it?

And he's crying, and it's all your fault. Bennue's probably going to fall off the sink trying to fly as soon as you step away. You're still stalking over to close the distance between you and Hadean, two quick steps that puts you directly in his space, and.. you should pause. You should really, really fucking rethink this! All the possible ways that this could go even worse are streaking through your head - - but it doesn't stop you from slipping your arms around him, and doing your best to shoulder him into a proper hug.

"You're fine," you chirp, half clinging. Should you pat his back? God, at least he's leaning down: you can't quite yank him to your level, that'd be weird, but at least your shoulder's.. nearly face height. That's what people do, right? Put their faces on shoulders? "Look, I'm soz, dude, I'm, like, super awful at this. What d'you want me to say? You're worried about culling me on accident?"

"'cause, like, if you don't wanna practice, that's fine. But I trust you, okay? And, like -" You don't know what to say. Fuck. How does Pheres even do this?

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 6:06 PM

You were so busy freaking out about trying not to freak out that you don't really notice when she starts moving towards you. Your hands were much more comforting than the fancy ass bathroom anyways, and you just... You needed a moment and then you'd compose yourself and be the Hadean everyone liked.

You jump just a little bit when you feel her arms come around you, pleasantly warm instead of your burning heat. You're too surprised to fight when she tugs you down, and the chirp you make when your face hits her shoulder makes you want to gut yourself. But she's talking at you and she's trying to be comforting again. Why does that make you feel worse? Probably because you're upsetting her so much. You aren't sure how your arms get around her, but it seems natural. She's hugging you, you gotta hug back. Hugging is so nice.

She knows you could cull her and she still wants to hug you, why? Fuck, you can feel those magma tears flooding over, and your next inhale was ragged.

"Sorry. I'm awful too, I shouldn't be doing this to you." Good god, what was wrong with you. Stop sounding so pathetic. Stop apologizing, why were you apologizing? She trusted you though.

Why did these trolls trust you? What did you do to deserve it? Not cull them?

But hey, according to Emerel you were just a murder-happy maniac. Fuck. Maybe that was what had you so upset. You were forced to give up your secret and all you got was a guy who thought you'd go murder the whole faire. Prisma and Sipara trusted you even after hearing the truth. "Can we just- this is good. For a little bit?"

mar-Last Monday at 6:39 PM

He chirps at you. That's all the conviction you need to convince you that you're doing this at least halfway right. The fact he's getting your shoulder soggy isn't even bothering you. It's worth it if it'll make him feel better, right? And he's hugging you back.

You like contact. This is sort of different, though. Are you pacifying him? Is this what it is? You hadn't thought about it! Or, well - you're not gonna front, you did, sort of, when he was talking dumpster fires and you swooning and everything else.

But you're pretty sure he's pacifying Prisma. Or.. something?

It's a fucking mess. You don't know, and right now, you don't care.

Does it even matter? Dude needs a hug, so you nuzzle your face into his shoulder, nestling in closer. "Shh. You're not fucking awful," you repeat, and then start up a steady hum. That chilled him out last time, right? "You're great. And you're not doing anything, jackass. We're fine. This is good. You good?"

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 6:49 PM

You really, really hope this doesn't make her see you as less. That little thought slips in to your mind while you're busy just feeling comforted, and it almost has you pulling away.

Sipara is so tough. She beats up fish and you've never really seen her falter, have you? There was that blood loss moment, but... She still seemed mostly in control. She wasn't crying or anything weak like that. Like you.

You hope she isn't just trying to get you to stop and going to hold this against you. God, you really didn't want to fuck this friendship up. "I'm a mess."

Ugh, you should just keep those thoughts to yourself. You weren't helping things. But she actually sounds concerned, you can't help it. She says this is good. Could this be good? But she's humming and that's nice, that makes you feel a little less awful about yourself.

"I'm no sure what I am. I'll... I'll be good. You're just..." Why are you still talking? "You're only the fourth troll I've told this to."

mar-Last Monday at 7:11 PM

Ever, you're tempted to ask? Because: wow, that lifespan comment. What the fuck is he doing that he's seen people, like, die of old age? You've never seen a troll older than thirty.  But that's murder buggy lane material, and dude's got his hands knotted around your back. Not the sort of thing you need to be thinking about. "Here," you chirp, and tug him over to the edge of the tub. "Sit down --" You can't insult him! Aw, shit. "-- Hads, you'll feel like less of a mess if you're, like, not on your feet! You're just, like. Tired. And it's less strain of your neck, 'leastways. I promise! That makes me feel better? Usually? Sorta. And -"

".. soz?" That's a little more hesitant than you'd like. Your ears twitch down, low enough to brush your shoulders, because.. he doesn't sound great. Are you fucking this up again? "Um. D'you want me to, like.. pretend you didn't?"(edited)

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 7:24 PM

She tugs and you let her lead you over to the tub, planting your butt on that fancy porcelain. Does it make you feel better? You're not sure, but not folding over to be in her shoulder is kind of nice. You have to mop at yourself a little, hoping you don't look like a total mess of a troll.

You're pretty sure it's bad though. You think you've got most of the tears contained when you look back at her. Why is she apologizing? She looks... Maybe a little uncertain? Some look you just weren't used to seeing on her. That you caused to happen, you were a shit friend

"I... No. Unless you want to, I mean. We can pretend it never... Happened. If you want. I know it's fucked up. To think about, really. But I wouldn't ever want to hurt you. Or Pris... Or, like. Laledy or Pheres. I promise. So if that's all you need to know and you never... Want to speak of this again I understand."

You didn't like how you sounded. All unsure and weak. You hated it, knew you'd hate youself even more for it later when all these emotions were gone. But for now you just wanted to know your friendship was alright.

mar-Last Monday at 7:38 PM

... alright, there's a slight problem now. You knew what to do when you were hugging Hads, mostly: just keep a frond on his back and hum until he chilled. But he's not clinging to you anymore, and the sudden loss of heat is making goosebumps rise on your arms.

Worse yet, he's fucking looking at you, freaky psi eyes still half-flooded, and.. he doesn't look better. He doesn't look better at all, not with rheumy tear-tracks on his cheeks, and the ugly sort of brick blotching up his face proper, and.. you're supposed to be fucking helping. Are you helping? He said you were helping.

You're so fucking bad at this.

"It's not fucked up. And -" You make a frustrated noise, pulling your knees up underneath. Balancing on the edge of the tub like this is a little precarious, but whatever. You've got too much hair to really crack your dome. "Obvs you're not gonna hurt any of us," you say, aggrieved, but - that's not right, is it? You've got to be nice. So you temper your voice, lean forward with one hand braced on the tub, and the other one reaching out to tug him in closer again.

"You're being - look! I'm not scared of you, Hads. Is, like, that what you're worried about? 'cause I'm not, and I'm not scared for, like, anyone else, either. You wouldn't fucking hurt someone unless they gave you a reason. And anyone who doesn't realise that's a fucker, 'kay?"

You don't know how to fix that look on his face. All you know how to do is, like, lean in, like the weight of you's a comfort in itself. "Just 'cause you can do something doesn't mean you're gonna. I could cull plenty of folks, but I don't."

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 7:50 PM

She looks weird, crouched up on the tub like that. You really hope she's not going to fall. Her voice gets a little frustrated at you, but- it's what she's saying that counts, right? She's trying and you know you aren't the easiest troll to deal with even when you're not a bubbering mess.

She tugs you in again and you accept it, craving the physical comfort of her. And her voice is nice, she's back to being comforting even if her words unexpectedly twist up your insides. You shouldn't open your mouth, but you do.

"Emerel thinks I would. He's the second troll I told. When he- found me in the faire. And as soon as he did, he started fucking... Threatening me like I was gonna go on a killing spree." You shouldn't be talking about this, but she's pleasantly warm and comforting and it makes you want to unload in ways that you're not used to anymore. "He's holding it above my head because I know dirt on him. He thought he had to even the playing field. He fucking didn't, I wasn't going to squeal on him. I wouldn't do shit like that. I'm just waiting for him to pop up to dangle that shit over my head. He will eventually. I can feel it."

You're starting to feel drained. You might be leaning against her a little heavily, but she's such a nice solid strength when you feel so shitty.

"...You can't tell anyone anything about that though. Okay? Or else he might start yapping. And then I'm in trouble."

mar-Last Monday at 8:25 PM

If he was Pheres, you'd just climb onto him and curl up in his lap! But, for all that Hadean's proven entirely comfortable with you getting physical with him, that still seems weird. Too much? You don't know how trolls work, not really: you don't do pityfriendships, and that's what this entire thing is now, isn't it? Maybe you should ask. .. maybe you should ask when he's not still two seconds from trilling distress into your ears.

"Emerel's the fucking worst," you say, flat. "He doesn't get to threaten you. If he wasn't clade, I'd - but, like, whatevs. He's a nookhead who doesn't, like, get to start shit. For fuck's sake, Pheres's scared of him."

Oh, wow, that came out bitter. You don't pause, though, you just curl in closer, hooking an arm around him. Hadean's is warm! Warmer than Pheres, even, as warm as if you'd wrapped the sun in a blanket and curled up around it. It's enough to make you drowsy. And, thank the Empress, less reflective.

"And yeah, yeah, I won't. Who d'you think I am, nerdlet? Your shit's safe with me." A beat. "D'you want me to, like.. deal with it? Not, like, as a lusus thing," you add, pulling away to peer into his face. "But, like. We're friends. He's my clade. He's not allowed to fuck with you if you're, not, like.. down for fucking. That's, like, breaking the rules."

Aggravation's leaking in, sure as salt, even though you're trying to stay nice: "- he knows better."(edited)

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 8:40 PM

"Yeah, he had some... Not so nice things to say about you. Don't worry, I corrected him on it."

You think that was before he tried smashing your thinkpan against the ground too many times. That whole night was just a blur of emotions and pain though. But Pheres is scared of him? That's news. But not surprising. Especially if he saw him rise up after the fight... She's moving in closer so you sling an arm around her, giving a rusty crooning sound that you didn't know you were able to ever make.

You always liked the temperature differences between you and other trolls, always found it interesting. Sipara's cozier feeling than cuddling Prisma, and you don't feel like you're about to shank yourself on any protruding bones. She's just sturdy and comfortable, even when you're talking out feelings. "No. You don't have to deal with it. It's... It's fine. Or it will be. He hasn't shown his face around me yet. Trying to deal with it might just poke the cholerbear."

That she'd be willing to go to bat for you is warming though. You're still not sure how their clade functions, how Sipara being exes and everything works out, but... That she's willing to try to get him to back down is comforting. "Pheres is probably breathing down his neck any time he takes his phone out these nights. It's fine..."

mar-Last Monday at 9:01 PM

"We've barely met," you complain, wrinkling your nose. "Like, once! The fuck does he gotta say?" You'd left with a sour opinion, but you hadn't liked him from  the moment you'd found out he was jade: nothing would've won you over, short of Lal-fucking-edy himself.

"And - what, for real?" It was probably just to rustle Em's feathers, if you're being honest! But that doesn't really matter, does it? The fact he'd defend you to Emerel is warming. Especially since Pheres apparently fucking isn't. ".. dude," you say, pleased, and leave it at that.

Then he slings an arm around you and makes that noise, and the silly bubbling warmth intensifies, enough that you actually chirp back. It's a stupid, wrigglerish noise, but whatever. He crooned! That means you're doing this well enough, you're pretty sure. Especially since that quaver's gone from his voice. Mostly gone.  It's disappearing, at least.

"You sure? 'cause, like, it's not a problem. It doesn't have to be. And, like - he culls people for fun, I know what he gets up to."

You shake your head hard enough to set your hair to flapping. "Don't listen to him," you demand. "He's just another stupid flatscan tryin' to talk shit about stuff he doesn't get. And get in your head, and fucking bug you." "There's nothing fucking wrong with you. You're not some wild-ass blueblood, about to go cullin' everyone just 'cause you can. That's fucking dumb."

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 9:17 PM

"Well apparently you gave him the impression that if he was dying in the desert, you wouldn't get him a drop of water." Which... Hey, maybe she wouldn't. Be a way to end his thing with Pheres at least. But fuck it, Emerel deserved to die of thirst in the desert anyways.

"Of course I corrected him. He was acting like you were a monster. And then he doubted that you stayed with his carcass before coming to see me. The prick." Her chirp gets a little bit of a grin from you, but you can't help it. You don't get many chirps after all. This was nice. She was nice, even if she wasn't always very good at being nice. Not like you could judge too hard on that yourself sometimes.

"It's fine... We can just both have our respective dirt on each other and stay at a standstill." You decide to just lay the side of your head against the top of her skull, careful to avoid her horns. It's a little bit of an awkward angle, but it's fine. This is nice. "Yeah. He's awful het up on me. Or at least he was. Maybe it's fading now. Got other things to focus his attentions on and all that." Part of you still wanted revenge on him though. But another side was cautioning against it. That could be a dangerous spiral.

"Specific, aren't you? Yeah. I'm not blueblood. Not a hint of blue in these fine maroon veins, no sir." Her confidence was helping buoy your own at least. You didn't feel as bad. Less like you had to go flay yourself open for being actual garbage.

mar-Last Monday at 9:27 PM

"Yeah, nah, fuck 'em, I stitched 'em up and everything. Because that's what you do." Hadean flops against you, resting his head on top of yours, and you shift to make it more comfortable without giving it much thought. Physical contact is great. You don't know why people don't do it more often.

"He's the worst," you complain. "Just.. nah! If he's the one that's got you worried, dude, I would not even. Like - like, did Pher ever tell you, first time they met, Em culled a dude for fun? 'cause he did."

"He's only talkin' shit because that's what'd he do, if he could. Not anything to do with you." And that brings your thoughts back around full circle. You want to look at Hads face! But you don't want to move, either, so you just make a questioning noise, your ears flicking up, partially, before you remember his face's right there.

"Is that why you're, like.. you don't wanna scuffle? 'cause. I mean. You don't have to. We can just, y'know -" "Put it under the rug! It's no big deal. But Emerel's, like - the fuck does he know?"

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 9:35 PM

"He's just a judgemental prick on a power high because he thinks he's the best. How he fell in to pity with anything but his own reflection is a fucking miracle from the divine powers themselves." Yeah, that sounded more like you. You could pull away from her now, but. This is nice. She wasn't moving so you didn't see any good reason to.

"No. But Pheres wasn't talking much Emerel talk to me at all, so. Figures. What a way to get wooed." Your face doesn't feel as hot anymore, hopefully you're no longer a blotchy mess. Even if your cartilage nub is pretty stuffy and your ganderbulbs are feeling dry, you think you're doing better. Sipara's good at this, in her own way. Rougher than some trolls could stand, maybe, but... She's doing alright with you.

"Kinda. I mean... I do have temper problems. Sometimes. My thinkpan just likes flipping the murder switch a little too freely. Maybe it came from living with only one other troll around growing up. Couldn't cull him unless I wanted to be all alone."

mar-Last Monday at 9:47 PM

"Yeah! Exactly. See, now you're getting it." You're actually pretty fucking great at this, you decide. He sounds better, at least! And if he's faking, well.. even that's an accomplishment, isn't it? He's feeling well enough to pretend he's fine. That's almost like being fine.

"Sounds like he's spooked by you, too. What a goddamn cluckbeast."

His voice's lost most of the quaver. It's clearing up, too. You don't let your humming die off, though, because.. well, if you stop, then that means he's feeling better. If he's one hundred percent fine, you have to move. "And.. oh. Huh. I mean -"

"If you're worried about it, like.. iunno. Isn't it better to work on it? I don't think you could get me that bad," you admit, "but, like, even if you did - better me than, like, your pitch, yeah? I can walk it off! And you'd nab my worms first, anyway, and that's, like, warning, ain't it? .. I mean, like, if you ever got a pitch. Who knows, maybe you'll totes want one when you're, like, twelve or somethin'."

rebatrolls-Last Monday at 10:08 PM

"Yeah, yeah. I'm getting it. Got a great schoolfeeder showing me the way and all. How could I have been so blind?" You don't get that sounding quite as dry as you meant for it to be, but you'll get there. Hard to be dry when you're still feeling so awfully damp.

"Yeah. Damn cluckbeast. Just gotta get him a feather outfit. Complete the look." You wish you were sitting somewhere a little more comfortable, the tub is starting to not feel the greatest on your ass. But Sipara doesn't seem about to move and she's still humming. You decide your butt can go numb for a while without falling right off your hide for this.

"I guess. Though, I mean. Probably won't hold my breath on a pitch. Can you imagine me as a quad? Way too high maintenance. I'd screw it all up. Ruin their whole lives and probably set their lusus on fire as they broke up with me. It's safest for everyone for me to just remain single."

mar-Last Tuesday at 7:36 AM

You laugh at him, bright and pleased, then you wrinkle your nose, ears twitching down and back. "I'm not tryin' to schoolfeed you," you complain. "I'm just - I'm helping! Right?" You're pretty sure you are - you're pretty sure that you're fucking great - but there's just enough uncertainty that you can't make it into a statement.

"I'd be the worst prof, I don't even got my shit together." That's not the sort of thing you'd ever say where Prisma could hear. It's probs ot the sort of thing you should tell Hadean, either, so you laugh again, sharper this time. "Tell anyone that, though, and I'm totes gonna say you're a fucking liar," you warn him. "That's, like, confidential."

"And -" Oh. You forgot how much you didn't like this particular conversation. It's not that you want him or Prisma to get quads. When they do, you're not stupid: all of this is going to end, get wrapped up with a neat little bow, because no one wants their reds cuddling strangers, or worse yet, travelling with them. And who needs friends when you've got a big, proper clade? You wet your lips, resisting the urge to pout. This topic fucking sucks. Why'd you veer back towards it?

"You'd be fine. Dude, you live in a tent, that's, like, opposite of high maintainence. Whatcha gonna do, like, text 'em at six AM? They can turn off their pho~one. And, like -" You shrug, and alright, now you do pull away, just enough to make sure he can see you're serious.

"If you don't want me sayin' we should, like, fight or nothing," you tell him, earnest, "then I'll drop it. 'kay? I trust you! And I think, like.. you'd feel better if you did? And we could have Prisma around to smack you, if you did get too aggro, and I couldn't knock you off. Or, like.. I could keep a dampener, and just slap it on you if we need to, peel it off when you're chill." "But we don't have to. I'm not, like - tryin' to bully you."

rebatrolls-Last Tuesday at 8:43 AM

You get a laugh out of her, but then you mess up and say the wrong thing. "C'mon, I was joking. No schoolfeeding going on here, I am not feeling lectured and you're like. Definitely helping. I'm not falling to pieces anymore, right?"

You give her a light squeeze that you hope comes off as comforting, trying to wrap your pan around her. She didn't have her shit together? She seemed to in your eyes. She was successful and hadn't let something like being hatched a flatscan get in her way. She had a lot of admirable qualities, really!

"Sips, my lips are sealed. Like the imperial vaults up here, promise." It wasn't like the secrets you've been serving up to her, but she still trusted you with something. You'd take it. She hesitates and you aren't sure why. Did you mess up again? You're almost about to ask her what's up when she continues, and then you're snorting. She moves and you have to pick your head up a little to look down at her. She's so nice. Why is she so nice- Oh god she just said dampener. You can feel the goosebumps immediately, lips twisting in to a grimace.

"You don't carry around a dampener, do you?" Yeah, okay. That probably wasn't the important part to take away from her nice reassurance. Try again. "I'm not feeling. Bullied. Don't worry, no bullying here. We're just talking this out like. Two rational trolls. I get that you want to help Sips. Don't worry about that. You're just being a good pal who wants to help me out." With dampeners. Ugh.

mar-Last Tuesday at 9:34 AM

".. nah, dude, that'd be skeevy as fuck. I hang with too many sparkplugs for that! People would, like, start wondering if I'm planning my own.." Doesn't like helm refs. Right. ".. y'know, secret zoo. I'm making one for Pri, though, remember?"

Even the mention of dampeners has the temperature in the room dropping, and.. it's not like all of your hard work is gone, right? He's not crying again. He's just jittering, like you're about to break out the cuffs and rip his psi out right now. Oh, goddamnit.

"But yeah, fuck the dampeners. Ain't never heard of a dampener," you chirp, then reach up to his face without thinking. Until you're close enough to touch him, at least, and then the warmth reminds you. You can't pap him. Not even, like, in a condescending way. That'd be weird, and then he'll def never want to cuddle again. So you flick a cheek instead, ears pricking up in a jangle of earrings.

"Those are for losers, anyway. Hey, c'mon, y'wanna, like, wash your face?"

"We can just have Pri watch, then! Or, like - I can handle you, dude. I used to fight with Riccin all the time, and they can pop off someone's head just by thinking about it. And it's not, like.. instant, right? We'll both have time to notice."

rebatrolls-Last Tuesday at 9:57 AM

"Oh. Yeah... Yeah." Of course. Right. Why were you getting all paranoid on her? She keeps saying she trusts you, the least you can do is trust her not to go slapping dampeners on you willy nilly.

Sipara wouldn't do that to you. You don't even have to worry about telling her that hey, that might just cull your weird psi ass. She knew how weird you were already anyways.

Not.. All of the details, but enough to know you were a freak. She still liked you despite it! You just had to skirt around anything that might be too... Unsavory. You could do that. She's reaching for you and you pause, not sure what she's doing. Is there something on your face? Other than your gross ass tear tracks, you know about them. But then she flicks you and you have to huff at her, rubbing at it.

"Yeah, losers. Not cool guys who get their faces abused by nubby rusties." Do you want to wash your face? It means getting up, and ass aside you were pretty comfortable. But you couldn't sit here together forever... "Yeah, a face wash sounds good. Gotta wash away my shame." You weren't going to be the first to move, though.

"You'll notice. If you know the signs. You'll feel drowsy. In a good way. All.. Peaceful and sedate. And then you'll want to lay down and go to sleep. And just, y'know. Never wake up. So if you start feeling like you want a nap, just. Get away. I need skin contact too. So the more you cover up, the better." You could trust her with your weaknesses. Right?

mar-Last Tuesday at 10:41 AM

"The best nubby rusties. Sit there," you demand, and pop to your feet. The bathroom is so fucking cold without him right there, but at least it's smallish. And there's a wash cloth right next to the sink, hanging on its fancy rack, and..

You barely need to wet it at all, courtesy of Bennue's thrashing.

He's still preening away the plastic one little shard at a time, and giving you the stink eye as you spin on your heel to face Hads. The shower curtain still has a hole in it. Your lusus is still covered in plastic. But hey: at least one problem's solved, and the warm glow from Hads stupid little croon, as it turns out, hasn't dissipated in the slightest. Plus: he trusts you! As he should, but... .. well, usually people get skittish about the whole maiming thing. Especially rusties.

You'd never even mentioned it to Rohati, not after finding out what his kismesis did: it's not the same, not really, but you know how lowbloods constantly flinch. Even Pheres flinches at you, sometimes. You don't blame him! But it's nice to have someone who's not always trying to watch for the next time you go aggro.

"Lift your chin, dude," you demand, helpful. "And - yeah, I'll get in full garb, don't worry. Like. D'you wanna try before you fight your clownbait?" You'd rather he just didn't fight him at all. You're going to try your damnedest to make sure he doesn't - but he doesn't need to know that.

"'Cause fighting 'ems one thing, but, like, you can't cull him. Not after you just broadcasted it all over the chat! Not even on accident."

rebatrolls-Last Tuesday at 11:05 AM

She tells you to sit so you stay right where you are, watching her fetch the washcloth. You're kind of glad she volunteered, you don't really feel like getting up. Emotions were so draining, you remember now why you just tried to bottle everything up. If she's expecting you to flinch from her help, you don't, just helpfully lifting your chin.

One little voice in your thinkpan whispers that you're practically showing your throat to her- what's keeping her from just ripping it out? But you had practice in ignoring the parts of you that worried about things like safety. Flinching meant you were scared, and you weren't scared of anything. Or so you like to tell yourself, at least. If you kept repeating it, it'd come true.

"I dunno. I'm kinda running out of time for that, y'know?" Damn her and her. Trying to make sense thing. "I won't cull him. He's purple, he has a long time before I'd cull him. So just... If you notice I've got a good hold on him and he's not fighting. Intervene and it'll be fine. I'm a single-focus psi machine, I won't drain you too."

mar-Last Tuesday at 12:31 PM

He trusts you to know about his fucked up psi. He trusts you with his throat - because you've always made fun of Pheres for making such a big deal out of displays like this when you watch films together, but this is different, when it wasn't even an entire night ago you were telling him how you've ripped out throats before.

And he trusts you to break up his fight, if he needs you to.

If this is how people feel about every friendship, then shit, you've got to make more friends.

"He's so thirsty, you could probs schedule it next perigee and he'd still show. But we could do it after. Or, like, tonight? Distract Pri, at least!" There's something satisfying about the way you can just wipe away the evidence of his distress, one streak of tears, one smoothing of a line at a time. "And I'm not worried about you draining me, doof. It's no big deal. But, like, good to know." His face is wiped clean as snow soon enough, no matter how meticulously slow you're being.

The moment is nice, that's all. And it's easing something in you that you didn't realize was there. You miss Pheres, yeah, every time you're not with him, and Hadean's not Pheres. Not in the slightest.

But he makes you feel almost as light as Pheres does, sometimes. Light, and stupid, and like you could cuddle him or bite him or both. ".. I feel sorta bad," you admit suddenly, with a lopsided grin. "You're spilling your deets, dude, and, like.. should I be giving some big spoilers, or something, to keep up?"

rebatrolls-Last Tuesday at 1:37 PM

"He is pretty thirsty. But in that highblood way of. I'm gonna act like if you're an inconvenience in any way I'm suddenly too good for you. And then pop up again later when they can't resist anymore. I'd rather just get it over with." Tonight? Did you really feel up to it tonight after all these emotions? "Nah, I'm pretty tired tonight. Didn't catch many winks last day, was too busy watching all the shit going down."

She was so careful with your mug, like she thought you were gonna break on her again if she got too rough. Usually you'd get snappy about it, but right now... It was kinda nice. Soothing, like her hold had been. She was better at the emotional shit than Prisma was, you didn't have to hold her hand and walk her through it. You perk when she says she feels bad, ready to comfort or defend- whichever you needed. But she's grinning and. Is that a joke? Or something serious presented kinda jokingly?

"Well I mean, if you have anything to get off your chest it seems like tonight is the night to do it. But if you like. Feel like you need to fess up just to make things even... Don't worry about it." You can't really come up with a joke to try and ease that out. Your thinkpan was just out of quips for the night you think. Damn.

mar-Last Tuesday at 7:32 PM

"Uggggh. Highbloods." You twist your mouth to the side, puffing out your cheeks as you work. "Maybe after, then. I'll just keep an eye on you during the fight, 'kay? So, like, that'll be fine."

You don't want him to fight, not really, but this feels like a good compromise. He can't get too roughed up if you're right there, and Pri's playing back-up. And, hell, maybe he'll win. He actually perks up when you make your little joke, and - okay, maybe Hadean doesn't have proper ears like you and Lal, but that just makes it more endearing.

"Nah," you say, wringing out the rag in your hands. You've only half believed him when he said his face was tatted on, but this close, you can see the change in texture. It's so weird. "I don't keep stuff on my chest, dude. Or, like, in it. I was just thinking, like.. you're talking about, like, worrying and shit with me, and, like, you're always worrying after Pri, and -"

"Are we friends?" you blurt out, then stop, furrowing your brows. That's.. not what you meant to say. Is it? "'cause, like, I dunno, I'm not, like, tryin' to cramp your style, or anything -"

That is absolutely not what you fucking meant to say.

rebatrolls-Last Tuesday at 7:52 PM

"Yeah, they're the worst. But also the funnest to punch, so. I guess that evens out." You kinda want to poke at her cheeks, she looks so funny so concentrated on your face. Would a poke be weird? You guess you'll keep your fronds to yourself. "Yeah. It'll be fine. He's a stringbean of a purple anyways, what a waste of natural talent."

Of course she doesn't keep things bottled up. Why would she? She doesn't have secrets that could, at best, get your hide culled. You're almost disappointed for a moment she doesn't have anything to share to help bond you together, but those thought crash and burn as you listen to her.

You're probably staring a bit by the end of it, but you can't help it. You're just a little shocked! Was she questioning that you were friends? You thought you had made it pretty clear where you stood. Apparently you just needed to write it out in big neon letters. You move a little impulsively, leaning forward to just wrap your arms around her. Because hugs were nice. Hugs would help beat back the uncertainty.

"Of course we're friends Sip. Or I mean- I'm bad at friends I guess. All rusty here on the ways, but... I see you as a friend. You see me as a friend too, right?" Oh man, this could get awkward real quick.

"I just... I wouldn't be traveling with you and sharing a hotel room and all the stuff we've been doing if I didn't think we were. Close. Let alone let you come, like. Anywhere close to cramping my style!" You hoped that came across as joking.(edited)

mar-Last Tuesday at 10:23 PM

Oh. He's hugging you. Hadean smells like hotel room soap. The loose strands of his hair are soft when they brushes against your face. These are not things you noticed last time around, but then again, you had slightly bigger priorities, like the fact he was fucking crying.

Now he's probs just one jab from it, so you have time to notice the little details. It's probably better than focusing on the fact Hadean just fucking hugged you like a total dork, and now you're the one feeling teary. You've missed physical contact a lot more than you figured. And rusts don't hug people on average.

"Nah, dude, I like - waste my time helping out folks that I don't give a fuck about. It's, like, my hobby. We're totes enemies." You rest your forehead against his shoulder, breathing in and blinking rapidly. It's not really helping the rheumyness. Ugh.

"And, like - 'kay. When you put it like that, yeah, yeah.. but. Um." "You're not -" You hate talking. You're so bad at talking. Especially right now, when you don't really know what you want to say. ".. d'you want me to ditch, like, so you can chill with Prisma more? Like. 'cause. I can. It's no big deal."

rebatrolls-Last Tuesday at 10:36 PM

You're not good at picking up the signs that someone is about to cry. Of course you weren't! You and tears had a restraining order, or at least you did before they came knocking down your door tonight.

You were a bit puzzled when her words stuttered, but it make your insides twist up to hear it. Were you doing this wrong? You find you're rubbing her back without even thinking about it, a rusty hum of your own building.

Your windpipes weren't used to all these noises you were making tonight, you felt as creaky as a barn door. But something was telling you she needed the comfort of it. She suddenly feels- fragile, in a way. But you don't want to break her for it. She helped you, you could help her too.

"Why would I want you to ditch sips? I want to spend time with you." Shit, was this because you went out alone with Prisma? Of course she didn't know why you did that. She just thought you wanted to get away from her.

"It's a big deal to me if you feel like I want you gone. Because I don't. I was thinking we could have some fun around the city together, but then this fucking... Raid popped up and- look. I like you, we're friends. And I want you around for as long as you can fucking stand my carcass. Okay?"

mar-Last Tuesday at 11:50 PM

Of all the things you're expecting from Hadean, him to start trying to purr at you isn't on the list. It's not even a real purr! It's just a weird imitation of your humming, rusty and scratchy enough that it makes him sound like his windpipes are breaking. It's got to be the worst fucking noise you've ever heard, but it's kind of nice, in a really fucking dumb way. He's trying! .. the fact everything's coming out so ragged is kind of fucking depressing, though.

"'kay." That's smaller than you'd like. God, you sound like a pupa. You feel about as smart as a pupa, too. Social graces aren't your thing - as you realise when he says want you gone, and you actually gasp, shaking your head hard before you realise it'll set your ears to flapping. (Ears, hair.. sometimes it's so tempting to lop both of 'em off.)

"You're fine," you protest. "Holy shit, you're not doing anything. It's just, like - Pher doesn't want me chilling out with his peeps, sometimes." "And, like - it's chill, but.." The press of his hand on your back feels like it's unwinding the pressure in your chest before it can twine. It makes it easier to dredge up the shit you oughta say.

"I dunno if people don't tell me," you say, plainative. "But. Um. I guess you just did." ".. cool."

rebatrolls-Last Wednesday at 12:05 AM

She sounds so... Un-Sipara-like right now. You didn't know you could really make a troll feel strongly enough about you to give this much of a shit for your owngrown carcass anymore.

You were kinda... Garbage-y to everyone after all. Maybe not to Sipara herself, but to Pheres. And obviously he meant a lot to her. Even if it sounds like he doesn't care quite as much. Because why wouldn't he want Sipara around his peeps? Especially enough that she feels so bad being around you and Prisma?

Your rusty as spurr sputters in to something more displeased for a moment, but no. The last thing she needs is you getting upset. Even if it wasn't at her. "Well I'm not Pheres. I don't do that sorta shit! I want to spend time with you, and Pris, and both of you at the same time too. I mean, as long as you're both... Comfortable being around each other, which I think you are?"

You keep moving your hand in steady circles, sometimes pausing to just stroke down her spine. You haven't the foggiest idea what you're doing, it's been too long since you've needed to comfort someone. She isn't shoving you away though, you think that's a good sign.

"Don't worry that I'm gonna... Ditch you or anything like that. I'm pretty upfront about that sorta stuff anyways. Okay? And." You pause, trying to figure out your words. "I'm doing. Okay at this, right? I'm not just making you feel worse?" Smooothhh.

mar-Last Wednesday at 12:25 AM

He keeps rubbing your back, and between that and his skin, the heat's seeping in. Sometimes you wish you were a sparkplug just so that you were this permanently warm. It'd be great, except for the bit where you'd never get anything done but sleeping.

Because between that and the purr, janky or no, that's what you're tempted to do. Until it shifts to something more guttural, for a beat just long enough for you to notice. What's that about?

".. 'course we're comfortable, dude. Me 'n Pri are friends, too." Sort of. You're not exactly holding any illusions that he'd pay much attention to you outside of Hadean, but that's fine. He isn't exactly your type of person, either, for all that you're fond of him now. "And - good! Good."

You breathe out, forcing it slow until it's steady. "Good," you repeat, brighter, and then you curl your lip and laugh, muffled, against his shoulder. You're the worst. You're being a pupa - a daft pupa, you can almost hear Pheres scolding you - and there's no need for it. Hadean's never been anything but straight forward. That's why you like him.

"Soz. That was, like.. well, like, you don't exactly chase around the bush. Iunno what I was thinking -" It's time for another little sound of protest as you pull back to peer up at him. Your vision's still a little rheumy, but that's nothing a scrub won't fix. "You're doing great," you tell him, earnest. "Like, for reals. Top ball. Aces. Um. Thanks. I  mean - you'd have to have super shit taste to ditch me, 'cause, like, I gotta be one of the coolest people you know, soz. But. Um. Yeah. .. thanks."

rebatrolls-Last Wednesday at 12:41 AM

"Right. Of course you guys are." You know the only reason they give each other the time of day is because of you. Part of your thinkpan though shies away from the idea that you had that much of an effect on anyone, let alone two trolls. But you didn't think now was the time to dive in to that, not when she was already feeling so... Much. The emotions were just contagious tonight. Her laugh helps some of the knots in your guts loosen some, letting you know that this was working.

She was doing better. She sounded between at least, even if you had no idea what was going on in that pan of her's. You just had to hope you continued to be able to say the things she needed to hear. Of course it wasn't a question of if you believed them all. Because, well. What was there to lie about right now? She looks maybe as bad as you did when she pulls back to look at you, and you're absently trying to locate the washcloth she used on you. Was it weird to use it on her without rinsing it off?

You think she likes you right where you are.

"Well, past experiences haven't always been too kind to you in the whole... Not getting cast aside for others. Or whatever you want to label Pheres. It's hard not to let that taint your worldview even if it's a troll that's pretty opposite of what you were used to." At least she and Pheres were already broken up. They didn't seem too healthy to you, but you were pretty limited in your knowledge too.

"Whoa, too many compliments and you'll make me worry you're just being nice." Is patting her hair weird? You decide to risk it, abandoning her back for a few pats of that headfluff. "Empress forbid I had shit taste! And... Don't worry about it. You helped me. I return the favor. That's what friendship is for, right?"

mar-Last Wednesday at 10:09 AM

Hadean's hand is roaming the edge of the abthtub like he's looking for something, and your attention gets drawn down to it. Shampoo bottle? Soap? No - oh! "To the left. Your face's, like, fine, tho. No smeared tatts or nothing," you mock, fond. "And.. oh!"

Oh, shit, what's he saying now? Are you supposed to defend Pheres? 'cause you should. You know this, but.. well, no one's phrased it like that before. Ever. ".. haha, you make it, like, sound so dramatic. It's not like that. It's just.. sometimes you get folks who're, like.. iunno. He's got a quad! And we're not quads. He's, like, not trying to be a nook about it, he's just... y'know? I don't know," you say, exasperated. "I'm not. Good at that stuff."

People stuff. That's why Pheres does it for you, or Boopis does it. But neither of them does, anymore, and it's turning out they made it look way easier than it really is.

When he pats your head, you thump your head up into his palm with a quiet huff. "If I had bigger horns, don't worry, brah, I'd stab you to make up for it." You should sit, probs. Or get back to fixing Bennue. But you dawdle instead, considering, then you snort. Swipe your hands over your eyes, perfunctorily, smooth back your hair and beam. All teeth, this time. "Yeah. Totes is what it's for."

rebatrolls-Last Wednesday at 10:30 AM

"Man, glad about that. Cost to fix smeared tats is outrageous I hope you know. But c'mere, I was more worried about your face. Don't worry, it's totally sanitary." You grab the washcloth, using it to beckon her closer.

You raise a brow at her as she attempts to justify Pheres' reasonings. You aren't really buying it though. WHat do quads have to do with her being barred from them anyways?

"Mmm. Well, let's put it this way. You and I are friends. If you up and got yourself shacked up with a troll, would you tell me to beat it? Because if all the stars and the moons suddenly aligned and I had myself a quad, I wouldn't... Ban you from interacting with them. That's just a sucky thing to do I think."

But hey, what did you know about quads? "I just. I dunno. It comes off as he's threatened you're going to... Steal them away or something? Obviously I don't know everything about the situation, but. I'm having a hard time seeing how it's fair." You grin at her huff, letting your claws give her scalp a little scratch- nothing harmful, just a quick drag of your claws through her headfluff. "Don't think I'm not sleeping with one eye open for fear of you coming and knicking some of my rack."

She does seem a lot better, maybe you aren't as shit at this thing as you thought. At least with a troll like Sipara. "Good. But still, let me wash your face off. Fronds can only do so much against tear stains."

mar-Last Wednesday at 10:43 PM

".. oh? Oh!" It is entirely possible that you're never going to stop beaming, at this point. You lean in, tilting your head up in a mirror of him, and.. alright, Pheres would box your ears if he knew you were allowing this. I can kill with a touch, Hadean just said, like the world's worst fucking vampire, and here you are, lteting him get all up and personal with your face. But whatever. If it's a trust game, you're totally gonna win. And if it's not, he's just being affectionate. It's fucking great.

"Of course not," you protest. "I like you! You're, like, totes my fave. You 'n Matari 'n Lal 'n Prisma. I mean, like - I let you meet Pher." You're pretty sure he knew Pheres before he knew you, but whatever. "And, like, 'course you wouldn't, 'cause you're great. And we totes already said you don't have shit taste." "It's not about theft, either. Like, no~ooo. God, can you imagine me 'n Em, like -"

You grimace, shaking your head before you remember he's right there. Oops. "No~ooo. He's just worried about, like.. iunno... y'know how I am, dude." You already admitted to your temper. He can't really judge you if it gets worse, right? Still, you pause for a beat, considering, before you add: "- and, um. Like. How Emerel is. I mean, like, it's fine with Pher there, but - I think he thinks we're, like, totes gonna shank each other. And obvs I wouldn't!"

"Em might, because he's a stupid-ass bulgemunch, but, like.. we're clade, that'd be super fucked. I didn't even do anything to Kit, and I fucking could've. But he's just - a fucking weepy grub, and -" Belatedly: "- oh! Oh, fuck off, I don't have tear stains, they're, just, like - pigment streaks. God."

rebatrolls-Last Wednesday at 11:21 PM

She doesn't even seem to hesitate in offering up her face and her scarred up neck to you, that's true friendship right there. And you aren't about to mess this bonding up, making sure to be gentle with the washcloth against her skin. You could be delicate if you wanted to, after all. You wanted to prove you were worth putting her trust in.

Her explanation still has you at a bit of a loss, and your thoughts on the matter still weren't too friendly. "So he doesn't think he can trust you two not to murder each other. Or really, for Emerel to try and murder you. So you get cast out instead of the douche who can't keep himself in check? I don't know Sips, still seems a fucked up thing to do to you to me."

It's your turn to linger on cleaning her face, just taking her in from this close and with this much concentration. She has an interesting face! And you decide her nose is kinda cute, actually. You aren't about to tell her that though, that'd turn things wierd. "You could have and you didn't. He should trust you more. Instead of Emerel. That's just what I think! And this isn't even, like. Being salty over Emerel. I mean, I could tell he has... Cull-impulse problems. I saw them at the end, after I beamed him in the face." Plus he was a rainbowdrinker, but that was your own private point against him.

mar-Yesterday at 7:47 AM

It strikes you about thirty seconds in that he's probs stripping your make-up. Oh, well. It's just kohl. It's not worth taking over, not when each swipe of the cloth is making you feel fuzzy all the way down to your walkstubs. Hadean's gotten a lot more touchy since you first met him.

It's fucking great. And it reminds you that you ought to try bonding with Pri more. He's not exactly the sort of dude you can preen, not when his hair is so short, but you could do something with that mug... It'd be easy to close your eyes and let Hadean work. Just bask in the attention!

(He's absolutely best friend tier. You don't know what you were worried about.) But he's still talking, so you don't let yourself veg quite yet. Especially, because.. well. He's making a lot of sense, isn't he? ".. basically," you admit. "I guess when you put it like that. And - yeah. Yeah, he does. Iunno why they're even together, 'cause Pher isn't, like.. he's too skittish for that!"

"But whatevs. I don't gotta get it. And.. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's, like, trying. Pher is, not Em, Em can go fuck himself, but - um. How'd we even end up talking about this?" you ask, with a quick, disgruntled laugh. "Soz, dude, I totes got us, like, way off-topic."

rebatrolls-Yesterday at 8:39 AM

It was nice, letting trolls close again. Logically you knew it couldn't last- conscription isn't something you ever plan on having happen to you after all. And even then... Sipara had accepted that you eat trolls, but the idea you got to live longer off their life was a harder pill to swallow. But you had always been pretty good at ignoring things you don't want to think about! This was comfortable and you weren't going to ruin it.

You smiles when she admits you're right, even if it's quickly followed by a defense of Pheres. But you'd take what you can get! As long as she didn't feel like it was her fault that Pheres could be an insensitive bulgemunch. "One of the world's great mysteries right there. Why are our moons different colors, what's really in grubloaf, and why is Pheres shacking up with Emerel. All of Alternia wonders."

You focus on getting the rest of the black from around her bulbs without poking one out before you pull the cloth back, satisfied and disappointed it was over at the same time. "Hey. I dished out on you, you had every right to dish back! And we got on the topic because I wasn't gonna just take the idea that Pheres shoos you away from his precious red laying down. Uh, hope I didn't make you feel worse about it though. With the discussion."

mar-Yesterday at 7:32 PM

That gets him a laugh and another toothy grin as you rock up on your toes. You're bad at holding still! And you remember it about the point the washcloth skims perilously close to your eyelashes, drawing out a squeak before you settle back down. Can't lose an eye to a washcloth! .. not that you would, with how careful he is. What, does he think you're going to break? "At least you're not. Like, dude, that's all Pher was fucking talking about for a minute. Your fucked up pitchy shit, and macking on his stupid blue."

You snicker. "At least you have better taste than that. Or do you?" you tease, arching your eyebrows up as soon as he pulls the cloth away. For good measure, you waggle them. He's done cleaning off your face. You both had your rheumy-eyed messes, you've talked.. if it weren't for the fact the bathroom's all sharp edges and porcelain, this might be kind of weird. But it's not a pile! So there's no reason to think twice about the flare of distress when you realise he's probs about to bail. You're just going to have to go back to fighting Bennue over his feathers, that's all: anyone'd be a little dour at the thought of that. "Make it worse?"

"Dude, no." You bop up again, giving his braid a tug. "Soz, loser, I'm pretty sure, like.. you can't make me feel worse. Unless you ate Bennue," you say, wrinkilng your nose. "Don't do that, bee-tee-dubs, he'll give you heartburn. Um. You're 'kay, too, right?"

rebatrolls-Yesterday at 8:04 PM

Aww, Pheres talked about you. Probably nothing too kind, but whatever. You weren't going to cry about it! You don't know, it sounds like Pheres has a... Thing for blaming everyone but his murder mate for shit. Who knows if he even tried to get Emerel to drop out of the fight instead of you. You were still a little put out by how little everyone in the chatroom seemed to think of you! You weren't the one left in a coma after the fight... As long as they didn't know about the beatdown that occured after he woke up.

"Hey, you aren't allowed to try drag my pitchy tastes when I don't even know shit about yours." You poke that little nose of her's for emphasis, look turning thoughtful. "I don't know. I don't think shit is over between me and Emerel... The way we left it wasn't. A conclusion for either of us. I have the feeling he's just biding his time! For what, I'm not sure... But mark my words, I'll be seeing his ass again." You could feel that, a truth that went bone-deep. You weren't going to fight it- that would mean running away from him. That would mean you were afraid of him, and he'd enjoy that far too much.

"Man, as tempting a meal as Bennue is, I'm gonna have to pass. Gotten too spoiled on fancy motel food I think, gotta let hunger deaden my refined palate before I'm chomping away on heartburn birds." Were you alright? That was a good question. "...Not all the way okay. But that's... Not because of anything you did. You were great. And I'll get the rest of the way there, don't worry." You just had to beat up that purpleblood first.

mar-Yesterday at 9:43 PM

"My pitch taste is, like, willing, pretty and actually's got some fucking bite," you inform him, giving a mock snap at his finger. Then his words actually click. You laugh, grimacing at him, and it's only half-joke this time around. "Whaaat. Ha~ads. 'course he's biding his time. You know me! 'n Pher. 'n fuckbun number two. That makes you practically, like, fucking clade. I don't think you can not see 'em."

"That doesn't mean you have to get with 'em!" He looks better, you decide. It's hard to tell, sometimes, when you're dealing with fuckers like him: all flat faced, flat earred, with scarcely shit to tell you what he's thinking. But his face's clean. There's no lines marring up his skin, or flush on his cheeks, so.. you did good. Good enough.

".. you know what helps with, like, the whole not okay shit, brah? Food. When's the last time you ate? 'cause, like, I dunno about you, but I'm hungry as fuck."(edited)

rebatrolls-Yesterday at 10:02 PM

"I think your definition of bite is skewed, what with the chompers you're packing! And jeesh, willing and pretty are like. Givens I thought. Get more taste than just that!" You snort at the snap, pulling your finger out of immediate bite-zone

"I don't know if knowing you guys makes me practically clade. More like that one guy that's just sort of around. And might be rummaging through your trash bins near dawn." You shrug at her, because what else are you going to do? You couldn't say no if he wanted to fight. Well, you could. But you wouldn't. You toss the washcloth away from both of you, grinning at the welcome change of topic.

"Man, Sips. One of these nights you'll catch on to the fact that I can almost always eat. What are you feeling? Because I'm craving some hamburgers."

[thewindowseat]

My Life as a Thai: If you can’t beat ‘em - get a pet spider

I look up from my lonely bed an I see two spiders mating above me. The ceiling is too high or I’d kill them just for mocking me. 

It is a serious jungle out here! Everywhere I go there are wild, creepy, crawlers fighting for life, and I’m not just talking about the school kids. 

It slowly starts when the sun goes down. I can’t even leave my house because that’s when our gangs come out. The dangerous, drug dealing dogs that sleep in the streets by day and smuggle black market products by night. And I don’t mean dawg...I mean actual dogs. I know these creatures scam the streets by night because what else could they possibly be doing when everyone else is asleep? 

You have to be a smart dog to survive Thailand. They’re born orphans, their mothers most likely starved to death feeding them, and they had to find their own way from birth, i.e eating out of trashcans, stealing from other dogs and not getting run over by a scooter. Only the cunning ones make it, and they all grow up to be thugs. 

They will literally sleep in the middle of a freeway during the day, and take a dump in front of the cart where you buy your fried rice at dinner. These bastards don’t care at all. At midnight they start to call each other to action. They begin with a bark, first one, then two then the entire neighborhood is barking in unison. Then they howl like a trumpet meant only for thieves. A forewarning for townspeople that it’s their time now. Everyone else makes their way inside  to avoid the ogling and threatening, unsolicited growls of the strays. 

Like downtown crack-whores, never make eye contact! Especially if you’re holding food, and you never address them them when they saunter towards you barking obscenities or sniffing around. You keep your eyes straight, shoulders back and don’t break stride, eventually you will pass them and they’ll lay down. 

It’s natural to want to be kind and generous to the dogs, we come from a land where dogs want love. But these beasts are beyond that. Thai people are incredibly kind and friendly but they aren’t touchy people. So even pets don’t seek physical attention because they aren’t used to it. So don’t try to treat this baller, shot-caller like a poor child without a mother. He has a mother, da hood is his mother! 

However, there is a very old dog that belongs to my next door neighbor. He’s, blind and scared of his own shadow (Who, the neighbor or the dog? Both!). They don’t use leashes here so sometimes the owner will get the dog into the house by holding the dogs two front legs making it walk on it’s hind legs. It’s very funny. Lately, he has been laying at my door step when I am in the house (Not the neighbor, don’t be ridiculous). The dogs presence makes me feel owned and I like that, so I buy him treats and give him one a day. He won’t take them from me, so usually I end up throwing them, hitting him in the head and jolting him awake. Poor dog. 

Besides the gangster dogs, the roosters are up at 2am, and they yell through the day. I don’t know what their deal is, but they certainly have a lot to say. Then the cats chime in. They are as feral as the dogs, but they don’t run in packs, they are killing each other. At first it’s sad, another poor, screaming cat is being murdered, but then you just see it as cat control. 

And that’s just the outside! Don’t get me started on the inside, I have to keep the toilet seat down so the snakes don’t get in. Then I have  a special ritual dance before I walk through my screen door from the bathroom to the bedroom. Why is there a screen door you ask stupidly? Because there are millions of mosquitoes, you American idiot and you can’t just lock up a wet room all day or there will be more mosquitoes. Those tiny tiny little buggers sashay their way into my room and eat me alive. 

Beyond that,I have to keep my sinks closed so the cockroaches don’t scare the heck out of me while walking to the toilet at night. When they do get in, they act like I scared them! They are nervy, rude and unfortunately, too big for even my assortment of lizards to eat. 

Lizards, ugh! Never mind that they run through my house like an adult child that lives in their parents basement only to come upstairs to heat up food and take it back down to their Emo lair. I pay the rent around here, you could sit and converse a little! (...and I’m just noticing this new rock bottom I’ve hit) 

After all that, I have to kill the occasional huge black spider without a name. How am I to kill these things, is always the question? I can’t hit it with a shoe, they are so big, they would literally ruin my shoe, or take it from me and hit me with it. I can’t wash them down the drain, that’s like trying to get an ex out of your house by spraying them with water. You’re just going to make everything wet, make them angrier, and they are still going to be there because water doesn’t hurt anything except witches from the North. 

Last week I tried to kill a baby eight-legger, and it ran from water. It literally out ran water. Great, it’s cunning, swift and spry, just what I want in a house spider. My only solace is that its feeding on the mosquitoes that feed on me. 

Side note, today I saw a huge ant in my house, I mean this thing had muscles and a shirt that said “Do you even lift, bro?” I was going to kill him but I got distracted. Two minutes later he was being devoured by a million tiny ants. I was shocked at how fast the animal kingdom turns on one another. So I sprayed them all with bug spray. No one is safe! 

Today I went to my sink and guess who was there, my little baby eight-legger. Except he had grown into a teenage sized spider (Why does he have to be a he? Ugh, the feminist in me is so annoying). It’s really been eating well while hiding, I see. I try to kill it again and it hops and blends in with the black tile. How does it know what color the tiles are? I look at it and realize it’s been raised in this house, and the next time it decides to jump out at me, it’ll be an adult, and I can’t kill an adult I practically raised...I mean as much as my parents raised me. Gave me a roof and let me graze on crap I found in the house. So now I have a dog and a pet spider, this place is getting crowded! 

The wildest animals of all!