#it’s cause team phantom has to be a lot more careful about property damage in Amity

[little-pondhead]

The League’s slow realization that Fenton, Manson and Foley are acting somehow makes everything better and worse at the same time.

I forgot about this.

The whole reasoning behind the Supervillain Danny AU sketches was that his villain persona was the complete opposite of his normal, sane self and hero persona. Danny plays into the Fenton name really hard, and ramps up the “mad scientist” bit, taking inspiration from both his normal civilian life and his parents, thus using just his last name as a villain.

And then I wanted to add what Sam and Tucker might look like if they joined in on his shenanigans. To keep with the “opposite of their normal life” bit, let’s throw in some ghostly artifacts that help the two keep up with Fenton’s madness.

Sam would get an angel’s halo that helps her form ghostly wings, and she’d play into the good-two shoes angelic look, and then she opens her mouth and verbally assaults you. She pins her bangs back and wears clothes that better fit a celestial aesthetic and uses all the etiquette training her parents taught her. Manson looks like some sort of regal angel and people expect her to be the nicest out of all of them. She’s not. Manson is the sneakiest and most bloodthirsty one, and heroes regularly wonder if she has actually committed murder or not.

Tucker takes inspiration from his time as a pharaoh. He has a metal postiche that enhances his physical ability. (Maybe it gives him dreadlocks too, but I like to think Tucker is just wearing a whole ass wig.) He wears a strange mix of street wear and his pharaoh outfit, and throws his tech-obsessed self out the window. Fenton is the nerdy one here, so now Foley is the muscle. Foley plays up meathead American bully stereotype hard. He delights in throwing hands, and hunts down supers just for the sake of a fun spar. (For him not for the supers.) Foley’s favorite people to fight so far is Killer Croc and Superman. Heroes are concerned about what would happen if Foley fought for real, but then they saw what he did to the Joker “as a joke” and decided not to ask any more questions.

Basically, the trio looked at their civilian lives and picked out what they considered “villainous traits” from the people around them that they then played into as villains themselves. If that makes sense. Sam hates how her parents want a perfect child, so she makes herself look like one. She speaks in backhanded comments and has a snooty attitude, which she learned from other rich people. Tucker is constantly confronted by bullies everyday, and all the rogues that come to Amity are always fighting, so that’s what he decides to mimic. Yeah, he now gets to be the big and strong protector of the group, but all his experience with fighting have been bad ones, and that reflects in his style. And finally, Danny. Why does he take after his parents and play into the family name? Because the Fentons are one of the biggest obstacles and source of anxiety in his life. Danny associates mad scientists to pain and other bad things, so even if all he’s being helpful in a really annoying way as a villain, his parents and the threat of the GIW still influence how he presents himself. Because to Danny, those two things are far more scary than a kid with a pirate ship or a man wearing a bat fursuit.

[dcxdpdabbles]

I love all your stuff! Are you planning to update Passion for Fashion, Child Support, or Congratulations It's Triplets soon? They are some of my favorites! If not, it's chill. Everything you write is kinda awesome so I look forward to anything you are willing to give

The Justice League has kept a weary eye on Danny Constantine because he is the son of one of their less than willing-to-work-in-team members and has found his way onto the youngest hero's team.

Robin, Abuse, and Superboy (the new one, not the Young Justice one) rarely went into the field. They mostly worked within Gotham, handling minor things until they got a feel for the dangers and the work of being a hero.

Bruce, assured everyone that within his city he was fairly sure he could keep them safe. (fairly because let's be honest, it is Gotham. That place was crawling with lunatics- Batman being one of them)

Clack would have preferred if Jon started in a smaller, less dangerous place, but his son has proven more than willing to sneak out to meet with Damian and Colin. It was no secret that Robin was the most trained and the most prepared to lead his team.

That didn't mean they were comfortable with three little children running around risking their lives. Phantom was the group's eldest but also the newest member of the team. He did struggle with his powers, but every day, under the careful eye of Batman's son, he grew more and more in control.

They were pleasantly surprised by how well he fit into the Super Sons. (A work-in-progress name developed when the team had only been Robin and Superboy.). The Justice League had been even more astounded by how careful Phantom was about property damage.

It's true that in a fight, they couldn't help with some damage, but Phantom always went out of his way to remind the other kids mid-battle to be careful and avoid breaking anything. He was more often than not racing after whatever car or building was thrown to faze it through other things.

He even helps the citizens take some photos for insurance purposes. It was shockingly refreshing to see someone worry about the logistics of being a hero.

When asked, Phantom would only blush in embarrassment. "My dad caused a lot of property damage when he drove. I got good at helping people file cases as an apology."

John denied it to everyone, but seeing as Danny's other father was literal Time itself, there was no way he wasn't the idiot on the road. Bruce prepared some lawyers for the people he may have hit and run.

It also helped that Danny seemed to be the new voice of reason within the Super Sons. One that wasn't convinced to try anything by Damian- --- Jon- or follow blindly behind Damian-Collin. He was respectful of Robin's role as leader but was always willing to talk him into respecting the team's suggestions and how to properly communicate. The success rates of Super Sons were skyrocketing with Danny, especially since Danny seemed to be great at PR.

Before Robin and Abuse were not as welcomed by the masses. Robin for being far more violent and rude than his pressors and Abuse for the absolute mountain of muscle that reminded people too much of Bane. Even Superboy was not as warmly noticed simply due to Gothamnics having a bitter rivalship with Metropolis City.

Phantom, on the other hand, was cheerful, helpful, and had enough of his father's sass to make even the worst of Gotham's grin. He also made time out of his day to help the community, walking people home, finding lost pets, cleaning up neighborhoods, and even appearing to clothe and feed whoever he came across.

Bruce himself claimed that a majority of the goons that Danny fought were slowly attempting to turn their life around. Danny had this strange ability to make people feel safe around him, and that let them get comfortable enough to talk about their issues.

It was hard to remember that Danny was blood-related to John Constantine out of all people. His civilian lifestyle, on the other hand, was completely different from his magical father in another way- he was a loser.

While Phantom had this glow, attention-grabbing charisma about him, Danny Constantine seemed to shrink in on himself and fumble with social interactions.

Bruce theorized that his human blood side lacked the near hypnotic attraction of Clockwork. Texts and tombs spoke of Clockwork as temptation itself, and he figured Danny had inherited that intoxicating ability.

This meant that Damian had to be worried about his teammate being bullied out of his sight.

It was displeasing to know that somewhere in the country, Danny was being made fun of, pushed around, or even attacked while he sat in the comfort of his elite school.

If there was one thing Damian Wayne could count as his flaw, it was being feireicly overprotective of those he considered his. That's why he strong-armed his father into paying for Colin to go to Gotham Academy while attempting to convince Clark to transfer Jon.

Jon himself didn't suffer from bullying, so he remained in Metropolis Middle School. His Beloved was moved to his classroom, where Damian had attached himself to his side and scared away anyone foolish enough to attempt to make Colin cry.

Beloved had awarded him with sweet kisses every time, so sometimes Damian hoped the fools of the Academy would try him more often.

Danny however, remained in some stupid school that had teenage boys bother him. John claimed he couldn't afford to send Danny anywhere better, and was seen stressing in the Watch Tower computer room looking into homeschooling.

Apparently, Danny's health depended on healthy relationships with humans. His biology literally attacked him if he couldn't be around people, and John was always pushing for Super Sons to have more meet-ups outside of suits as much as possible while trying to find a new school.

Danny has been moved to four schools already. The bullying just didn't seem to stop no matter where he went as a human.

"Father, it's important," Damian says for the fifth time. "Danny is struggling. It would be better to place him near us to provide protective support."

"Damian, I can't just pay for all your friends' education. It will get suspicious." Bruce sighs. "There are already rumors about Colin."

"But Father, you must think logically. Constantine may have sired him, but Danny is still Clockwork's son. He controls time. He is an entity we can not afford to make into an enemy. I highly doubt he will be pleased by how some mortals have been treating his son." Damian counters, ignoring the rage of the comment about his Beloved. He will find the mouths that will need to be taught to keep Beloved's name out of later. "This could stop whatever retaliation that is sure to be coming in its tracks."

Bruce considered it. "I could try to make it seem like Danny won something on his own....but I'm worried the board is starting to catch on. The other day Babs had to block an investigation of me possibly emblazing funds. "

"Father you do not understand-"

"Bruce!" Tim yelled, racing into the room, holding a laptop. "Bruce, it's Klarion! He's in Gotham."

Damian and Bruce both stiffen in horror. They dislike magic the most, seeing as it rarely follows predictable logic. Not that they couldn't eventually find the answer or the rules of whatever magic user was flowing, but it was a lot longer and headache-inducing. "Why is he here, and what does he want?"

"Well....he's not really doing anything bad?" Tim says, flipping the screen around. On it, the two Waynes can see a flouting teen snapping his fingers turning everything on the street into gold.

"If I was your husband, you would want for nothing!" Klarion cries, sinking to one knee before the startled-looking Phantom. "Oh, great heir of Clockwork, our union would be spoken for generations!"

"Lord of Choas Klarion, I am flattered by your offer but I'm not considering marriage right now." Phantom awkwardly says, rubbing his neck.

"But my young lord, Clockwork has proclaimed that your marriage partner is yours to make," Klarion says, snapping more of his fingers and turning the lined-up cars into large bouquets of roses. People scramble around from the demon, screaming as his magic nearly turns them. "Surely you see if our houses combine we would be unstoppable?"

Phantom's face hardens. "First of all, I don't date anyone for interest. Second, you're starting to bother the people of Gotham so cut it out. Third, I already said no so you-"

"Take a bloody hint and leave my boy alone!" John Constantine screams portaling into the scene with a wave of magic. He throws five powerful spells at the Witch boy who hisses back.

Hisses like a snake.

"Insolent mortal! This does not consider filth like-"

"Don't talk to my dad that way!" Phantom shouts cutting the Choas Lord off.

Klarion demonic features shrink back into a regular face as he blinks in shock. "This moral is your father?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Forgive my rude behavior, sir." Klarion's tone smooths out in an instant, snapping his figures to dust Constantine's shoulders. John frowns at him which makes the witch boy actually stumble. "Surely I can make it up to you? I am very interested in becoming your son-in-law and wouldn't want to make our relationship strain by my hasty behavior"

Bruce reaches over and closes the laptop before they can hear Constantine's response. "We are not dealing with whatever soap drama that was."

"Father!"

[tachvintlogic]

Whats ur take on Walker and Wulf?

Well, the first thing to note about Walker is that to me, he's an asshole with stick up his ass.

Walker acts like he's a warden, judge, police officer and prosecutor all in one keeping order in the territory of the Ghost Zone that he controls, but he's a bit more like the mob (or like the regular police when they're being more transparent about being a mob funded by the local government). Whether he was part of the mob or actually a warden isn't too important, though I do like him being part of the mob as an enforcer of some kind with Bullet as his partner.

Fortunately, Walker isn't the end all be all of law and order in the afterlife, as in my headcanon he controls only a small part of the Chaotic Regions, which are a small part of the Earth band of the afterlife. His territory is only as big as the area he can enforce his rules. Unfortunately, the portal happens to be in Walker's territory.

I'm fond of him being related to Danny and having Walker be Maddie's maiden name. I imagine that if Walker found that about their relation, his attitude would flip on a dime because of course he can make an exception for family! It's family after all!

This is because Walker, deep down, is a hypocrite and doesn't care if his rules are fair or if they're enforced fairly.

This puts Walker in a very good position to become an ally. As an ally, he would prevent unauthorized trips by ghosts to Amity and jail ghosts who cause problems in Amity so they don't come back immediately.

However, Danny has 0 trust in Walker and for good reason. Walker wants to see his granddaughter but that's not going to go well as long as Maddie has an anti-ghost bias. So, Walker needs to help Danny, Valerie and the rest of Team Phantom curb the damage done by ghosts so that the public opinion of ghosts goes up.

This requires Walker to actually make fair rules that are enforced fairly, so that the troublemakers in the rogues gallery actually respect his rules and feel like they've done something bad when they break them. Whereas before, they didn't respect him and saw him as a ghost with a jailing obsession and jailed ghosts for dumb and arbitrary reasons.

In the end, Maddie is very happy to see her grandfather again and property damage done by sentient ghosts has decreased significantly. Danny's still not 100% on board with Walker being family, but he's accept it now that he's not the worst.

Wulf is interesting. He's a real turning point because he's one of the first ghosts that Danny meets that isn't bad (though he did meet the Dairy King, that interaction was very brief). Danny misjudged him at first, but then realized he was good once he learned how to communicate with him. This could be a real turning point where Danny realizes that not all ghosts are bad, and maybe he's misjudged some of the ghosts in his rogues gallery thanks to inheriting some of his parents' bias.

As for his powers, being able to tear through dimensions has lots of interesting implications. Do any other ghosts have this power? Are those ghosts hanging out somewhere other than Amity Park? Are there other ghost hotspots in the world? Why does he have this power? In a hypothetica reboot l, I'm not sure I would want him to keep it because I'd rather the ghosts be isolated to just this town and that ability might be a little overpowered.

When it comes to his relationship with Walker, at least initially, I want the reason Wulf is in prison to be really petty to the point where even Bullet and Walker's minions can agree it's a little silly. Wulf needs to be unambiguously good as Danny's first example of a good ghost that hasn't wanted to do bad.

Once Wulf is free, he's not going to want to have anything to do with Walker because he assumes Walker's going to try and imprison him the next time they meet. After a redemption arc, they'd just side-eye each other when they're in the first room. I think it'd take a long time before Walker would try to apologize, and it would long after he got to reunite with Maddie, years even.

I personally see Wulf as a good companion for Dani/Elle. She wants to travel the world, but as a half-ghost, she still needs access to the Ghost Zone and ectoplasm to remain healthy. Wulf would be a great caretaker who could provide her with that while she's not in Amity, as well as bring her back quickly should her body show signs of destabilizing. I think them being a father-daughter pair would be cute.

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 1, We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals.

Some context before the cut: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

We Only See Each Other At Weddings And Funerals

The story opens with a random scene. I know why this is important now, but for a first time viewer this is a strange Russian show with no subtitles. Sin for the fact that this opening scene could drive away audiences when they could have opened with Pogo’s monologue or the sudden birth scene. +1

Sudden birth. I know that this is what starts the whole series, but not once do these assholes discuss the implications of sudden birth. That shit is traumatic and must have induced a lot of trauma in the mothers. Sinning for trauma. +1

The russian ladies all help this poor girl. Teamwork and togetherness gets a sin off. -1

How did they get her swimsuit off enough for her to give birth without just taking the whole thing off? Did one woman happen to have a pair of scissors on her so they could cut the crotch? Because one piece suits are not that flexible downstairs. They didn’t take it off her, it’s still covering her. Sinning for lack of realism or explanation. +1

This narration should have happened much sooner. +1

Buying children. Literally buying children. And he gets seven so he buys them wholesale. Seven sins because Sir Reginald Hargreeves is a dick that bought seven children. +7

One sin off for the soundtrack now. All the songs used in this show are bops! -1

Ellen Page starts playing the Lindsey Stirling Phantom of the Opera piece on the lowest string when the piece starts on a high note. One sin for lack of musicality. +1

Minus one sin for Ellen Page’s vibrato. Not many people pretending to play the violin get that so accurate. That or this was the talented body double. Either way one sin off for musicality. -1

“Please send more food” Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his adopted children. He didn’t feed Luther enough, so who knows what he did to the ones he didn’t like as much. +7

Also, Luther has presumably spent four years in this base on the moon. Did he hit his head every morning? You would think that he would learn to duck. +1

One sin off for the moon plant. -1

I’m taking 10 sins off for the special effects of this entire series. -10

That car transition between Diego’s and Allison’s entrances was out of place. I know it’s meant to show that Allison is far away from the action. But did we really need that? It’s not shown when transitioning from the red carpet to Klaus in rehab. +1

What is keeping the lawnchair that Luther has on the moon down? It looks lightweight. Does he have it nailed to the moon? Is there now a lawnchair on the moon forever? +1

Tom Hopper is an excellent actor. He nailed the “just got the news that my father is dead” without saying a single word. -1

Diego doesn’t bother to untie the family he saves. He caused property damage and severely injured the thugs that broke in. No wonder Patch has a problem with him being a vigilante. +1

“Allison, will you wear Valentino to the funeral” +1

One sin off because Robert Sheehan has already won my heart as Klaus and he hasn’t said a single word yet. And for the little jig he does when he gets the drugs. Interesting choice, but I like it. I could be biased because I’ve watched the series already, but I don’t care. One sin off for Robert Sheehan. -1

Why was Vanya allowed to be playing to this empty theatre with spotlights on her? Does she have an arrangement with maintenance? Is that why the orchestra isn’t set up? +1

One sin off for the Hargreeves mansion. The set designers did an amazing job.-1 

Creepy shrine portrait of Five is creepy and somehow manages to not look like Aidan Gallager. This could be a stylistic choice to show that Reggie didn’t care about Five, in which case, another sin for child abuse. +1 

Creepy statue of Ben is creepy. And it doesn’t look like Justin Min or Ethan Hwang. Who is this statue honoring? +1

It has been stated that Ben’s death broke up the academy. Yet, the other four assholes stuck around for one more portrait after his death? +1

Vanya doesn’t close the doors behind her when she walks into the mansion. +1

Diego’s outfit is central to introducing his character. However, it is dumb as hell and he probably stabbed himself with the knives in the harness multiple times. Especially the ones on his back. +1

Diego is a dick to Vanya at their father's funeral. I know Reggie was a jackass, but Jesus Christ, Diego. Have some tact. I know this is meant to show that Diego doesn’t have any tact, but this is such a severe line. +1

In the first shot of Reggie’s bedroom there are 6 freaking lamps. What is he, Bella Swan? And later, there are three more. +1

David Castaneda really brings Diego to life with his interaction with Luther in Reggie's bedroom. -1

I know I already took sins off for the special effects, but Pogo deserves another two off. Special Effects team, you did good. -2

“How long has it been since Five dissapered” is the most obvious bit of exposition/foreshadowing. To the point where it reads lazy. Another option would be Vanya asking “How long has it been since” and trailing off from there. Pogo knows what happened. This is a crucial reveal, let the audience wait for it a bit. +1

One sin off for Vanya being a good sister to Five. Fluffernutter sandwiches and leaving the lights on is heartwarming.  -1

Props to these child actors for being able to portray the way Reggie treats them and how that affects their emotions in the scene where they wanted to say goodnight to Reggie. -1

However, Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his adopted children. I will keep sinning this. +7 

After Reggie shuns and ignores his children, Luther’s hand on Ben’s shoulder is a subtle way to show that Luther and Ben were sort of close, which is what an excerpt from Vanya’s book implies in the comics. Good job directors or actors for making that choice! -1

Robert Sheehan in the office scene. This is where we meet Klaus as an audience for the first time with dialogue, and he fucking nails it.  -1

“Thank God he’s not our real father so we couldn’t inherit those cold dead eyes! Ahh! Number Threee-” The delivery on that line is excellent. -1

Klaus’s dangly necklace that looks kind of like dog tags foreshadowing the real dog tags he wears later on in the show. -1

No way in hell Klaus’s skimpy outfit provided enough concealment for that massive box. In fact, in the shots we do see of his back, we should have seen the outline of the box. +1

Sir Reginald Hargreeves is as obsessed with lamps as he is with collecting children. His office is full of them! +1

“Do you think he wears that thing in the bathroom” “Like in the shower” “Yes, absolutely” Allison and Luther have some good interactions. This is where they really act like siblings making fun of another sibling. -1

A woman who told bedtime stories to her kid about her uncle on the moon forgets that said uncle has been on the moon and judges him when he doesn’t know about her divorce.+1 

“Rumor thing” Way to be specific, Luther. +1

Allison’s expression at the family meeting when she takes a sip of her drink. Emmy Raver-Lampman is what makes this character likeable. -1

Reginald Hargreeves was a dick to his children. The whole favorite spot thing? Yeah that. Golden child abuse victim. +7

Sir Reginald playing tennis with Hitler line. -1

Luther accuses his siblings of killing their father. Have some tact man, not at the funeral. This makes sense for the character and his circumstances, but I am still sinning it because Luther doesn’t think he did anything wrong. +1

I feel kind of bad for Luther after his siblings leave the room. Great acting on Tom Hopper’s part. -1

How did Allison get into the bank? +1

Luther straight up throws this man out of a building! That guy is 100% dead. And then he admonishes Five for being a killer later! +1

“Guns are for sissies, real men throw knives!” is a line that would only be spoken by a twelve year old that has never faced the judgement of people he isn’t related to. Also, Diego practiced this line in front of a mirror. +1

But that throw was badass, so... -1

Also, how did Klaus, Diego, Five, and Ben get into the bank as well? We only see Luther enter. And presumably Five teleported in. So were the rest already in there? +1

Five manages to jump faster than a bullet here, but in episode two he’s a lot slower when jumping from one side of the table to the other. You could make the argument that the table is in the way, but there was a human being and a bullet in the way here. +1

“Woah! That’s one badass stapler!” This is the first sin off because Aidan Gallagher can act, and it will not be the last. For all his grumpy 58 year old man, he also manages to shine while playing a young version of said grumpy 58 year old man. You would think that one or the other would be a little weak, but no he nails both performances. -1

But, how did Five switch the gun and the stapler? And why do we never see him do this again with more useful items like a briefcase or one of the machine guns used by the local commission hires? Can he only switch items with a similar mass? How does this power work? +1

Luther is the one that tells Ben that there's more guys in the vault to kill. Not Klaus who could have been like “a ghost said there's more guys in the vault”. What exactly did Klaus do on missions? He isn’t shown helping the hostages or fighting in any way. +1

“I didn’t sign up for this.” yeah Ben, like it’s a summer camp and not your abusive father buying you as an infant and then forcing you to kill people. +1

Kenny’s mom appearance. Also, the woman mixes leopard print leggings, a black dress, a square pattern cardigan, and a hat with stripes and a pom-pom. +1

“Can we go home now” Ethan Hwang had great delivery on that line. -1

Sir Reginald Hargreeves is a dick to his children. He forces 6 of them to kill, and then makes it seem like it’s all fun and games to the one he isolates. +7

When did they get coats and scarves? Did Reggie bring them coats and scarves while coming down to address the crowd? +1

Also, Reggie was on the roof of a different building with vanya! What did the kids do while they were waiting for him? Stand around and look pretty? Not likely, Ben was covered in blood. +1

Also, when did Ben have time to clean up? He is significantly less bloody in the scene where Reggie talks to the press. Yet his mask, uniform, and a bit of his jaw still have blood. This suggests he had time to wipe down. What kind of magic wipes are these that soak up and remove blood quickly and where can I get them? +1

The way the children wear their scarves show their personality. Luther has it done properly, Diego has his flapping around, Allison and Klaus have tied it fashionably, Five has it done well, but not as proper, and Ben has it done like Luthers. Well done costume people or actors who made that character choice. -1

The entire scene when Klaus attempts to summon Reggie from the afterlife. -4

I forgot that Klaus actually calls him Reggie in this scene. I thought it was just a fandom thing lmao. -1

How did Klaus clean up the ashes without leaving evidence on the bar? Did he vacuum it? +1

The cutesy fighting posters are a great set design choice. -1

Allison had her trauma tattoo refreshed at some point. It’s faded on Klaus, but on her it’s perfectly visible and stark. I’m sinning because they don’t show or tell why Allison might want to do this. +1

Also, that guitar Klaus was cuddling in a later scene, was just in the kitchen for some reason. Why? +1

Five and Ben are not part of the I Think We’re Alone Now dance party. I know it’s for plot, but come on! They don’t even have another dance party later to make up for this. +1

Diego and Vanya totally saw each other when Diego went to close the door between the foyer and the living area. +1

Luther and Vanya’s dance moves. No hate on either though because I dance like them if it isn’t swing or any other partnered dance +1

Diego, Klaus, and Allison’s dance moves. -1

Also, the song is heard all the way in the kitchen. There is no soundproofing in this mansion. +1

Luther punching down the airplane is funny. -1

David Castaneda doing those amazing dance moves in character. -1

Oh hello Five. Nice of you to show up and kickstart the plot into being something other than washed up superheroes are really sad and abused. +1

“Daddy!” -1

Why were Five’s powers affecting random objects? +1

Klaus is the only one with self preservation. “I vote for running” +1

“Does anyone else see little Number Five, or is that just me” is a great line because Klaus can see the dead. However, the dead don’t show up in massive portals, otherwise something like that would have happened when we see Dave in The Day That Wasn’t. +1

Five asks for an exact date and then Vanya gives him “the 24th” real specific, Vanya +1 

Five doesn’t close the fridge properly because that doesn’t matter in the apocalypse -1

“In the end I had to project my consciousness forward into a suspended quantum state version of myself that exists across every possible instance of time” “That makes no sense” “well it would if you were smarter” the mark of someone being smart is being able to explain concepts like this in layman's terms. If Five were as smart as he said he was, then he could have been able to come up with an analogy. That or the showmakers have no clue what they’re talking about and wrote a bunch of science-y bullshit to make Five sound smart. +1

Diego was ready to throw hands with Five, someone who looks thirteen and was thirteen until Five explained otherwise. +1

“Dolores kept saying the equations were off” so in other words, Five knew that his equations were off, but he still risked it. +1

But also, Five knew his equations were off, but he was so desperate to see his family that he risked it anyway. -1

Nations Gazette paper has articles that look like they’re actually about the headline. -1

“What part of the future do you not understand.” -1

Aidan Gallagher’s delivery in that scene really set the tone for his character. Impressive. -1

Five decides to dress in the full on school boy getup. Complete with the tie and the blazer when those items aren’t necessary. +1

Aidan Gallagher and Ellen Page are two kick ass actors. They play off each other surprisingly well. -1

“You mean like what happened to Ben” “Was it bad?” What happened to Ben? This remains a sin until they explain it. +1

“May the darkness within you find peace in the light” that sounds really bad. What a horrible thing to have on your statue. +1

Jordan Claire Robbins’s performance of Grace -1

Luther and Diego are so emo that they don't need umbrellas. You’re in The Umbrella Academy! This had to be a personal choice to not carry one. +1

Klaus’s face when Luther dumps out the ashes. -1

The camera cuts to Five when Diego says that Mom gave them actual names. -1

The fight between Luther and Diego is stupid. +1

Klaus and Five fight over who is going to protect who. +1

“Stop it!” “Hit him! Hit him!” -1

The detail on Ben’s statue. It shows his toe and knee have been touched many times by people who presumably miss him and love him. -1

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch, which makes Klaus’s face 10x funnier once you remember that Ben was probably there too. -1 

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch and beheads it, suggesting that Luther had something to do with Ben’s death. -1

Luther punches Ben’s statue in the crotch. +1

Klaus puts his cigarette out in reggie’s ashes. -1

Reggie narration +1

Reggie is a dick to his kids +7

The stupid, bright green jumpsuits +6

What is the point of this exercise? How does running up the stairs make them better heroes? +1

Young Diego either practiced “That’s not fair, Five’s cheating” or his stutter is only there when the plot calls for it. +1

Child Abuse tattoos +12

The fact that Vanya feels left out because she didn’t get a child abuse tattoo. Reggie, you fucked up these kids real bad. +2

We think that Reggie is comforting Luther after he got a child abuse tattoo, but no, he’s actually just attaching monitors to his head. +1

Reginald Hargreeves likes to watch young children sleep. +7

Vanya foreshadowing. Her monitor showing more activity then the cut to her taking one of the pills is brilliant. -1

Vanya still doesn’t close the academy door behind her when she leaves. +1

“An entire square block, 42 bedrooms 19 bathrooms” Five are you a real-estate agent now? +1

“Dad hated children too, but he had plenty of us!” Klaus would be excellent at cinema sins. Seven more for child abuse +7

What are the rules to Five’s jumps? We only really see him jump to places he can see unless he is time traveling or in the instance where he jumps to the car. Speaking of, the car had the keys in it. Reggie, are you trying to get it stolen  +1

Diego is a dick to Allison about her divorce. +1

Klaus and Diego’s interactions make me happy. -1

The Klaus theme is a wonderful piece of music. -1 

Robert Sheehan making David Castaneda laugh. -1 

We get our first glimpse of Luther’s arm here. It’s super weird and vague and only teases the reveal. This is where the ape reveal should have been for the audience and where it would have made sense. Doing the reveal in a later episode is weird. +1

Five doesn’t know how to break correctly, which contradicts “I know how to do everything” +1

Something I just noticed, Five completed the uniform not only with the tie and blazer, but with the hair gel too. +1

The towing guy chooses to sit next to Five at an empty counter. +1

Five looks so offended when Agnes refers to him as “the kid” -1

The creepy smile Five pulls in an attempt to look innocent doesn’t make Agnes scream in terror. Seriously Aidan Gallagher, what the fuck was that that was absoulutely terrifying. +1

+1

Five attempts to relate to a man that looks the age that he should be, but it ends up exceedingly awkward because Five looks 13. +1

The tow truck driver helps him out, but how was Five going to pay for his coffee? We don’t see him with money. Was he just going to jump out to the car? +1

Five never gets his cup of coffee :( +1

“Istanbul was Constantinople/ Now it’s Istanbul not Constantinople”. This whole scene is great. Five plays with them like he did in the bank scene which shows that even if he did age, he didn’t do it around people so he doesn’t have maturity. -1

Five stabs a guy with a mop and kills him. -1

Five stabs a guy in the crotch with a pencil, then uses the same pencil to stab him in the eye. In between he throws a plate at another guy. This is badass. -1

Five jumps in a way that actually does make two of the idiots shoot each other. Which means that technically, Patch was right. -1

Five kills a man with his bare hands. -1

But he stops to put his fucking tie back on. +1

And yet after all that, the goriest thing is when Five pulls the tracker out of his arm.  Props to the makeup department  and Aidan Gallagher’s acting skill for making that look so real. -1

Five should be way sweatier when he walks out of Griddys. Unless he moped that up with some napkins? What are these super absorbent napkins and where can I buy them? +1

Agnes should be far more traumatized. And definitely shouldn’t have survived that. +1

Diego is emo with the monocle. +1

Luther flashback narration. +1

Klaus, thankfully interrupts this. -1 

“Number 6 “Ben” (deceased)” -1

We can see Ben depending on if it’s Klaus or Diego talking. -1

The vigilante mask Diego wears +1

Five jumpscare in Vanya’s apartment. +1

“Rapists can climb” yes Five. Continue with the criminals that can climb. Including you. +1

This whole scene is the best ending to an episode in the entire season. -1

Aidan Gallagher and Ellen Page play off each other with subtle expressions. This acting talent is amazing. -2

“The world ends in eight days and I have no idea how to stop it” “I’ll put on a pot of coffee” roll credits. I love this ending for many reasons. It’s a total mic drop moment. -2 

Overall review:

While actively looking for nitpicky things, I got to see the first in a whole new light. Both the great parts and terrible parts stood out in a way that they didn’t when I wasn’t looking for them. Robert Sheehan, Aidan Gallagher, and Ellen Page were the stand out actors in this episode. All three contributed something significant that didn’t heavily rely on the script writers. 

The child cast also really stood out to me. All seven of them had very limited screen time (I am counting Gallagher playing a child version of his character in this assessment) and they absolutely made the best of it. Out of all of them, Ethan Hwang stood out to me because of his overall great delivery. I hope that we see him play Ben in a more in-depth way in season 2. 

Don’t get it twisted, I genuinely like this series and I think that it tells a great story. I just think it’s fun to nitpick and look deeper. After over analyzing everything else, it’s time to get back to basics. Especially because the season 2 trailer could drop any day now. 

Total: 82 sins

Sentence: Tennis with Hitler and Sir Reginald. 

[desktopdust]

Phantom Network: Spacetime Exception

(Recently I applied for a writing position, and was presented with a series of prompts and told to write a short story for consideration.  The following is what I came up with, and while they liked it quite a bit, ultimately another candidate was selected; not sure if I’ll do anything further with this idea, but at the very least, I wanted to make it available for anyone interested.)

I really thought I knew what I was getting myself into.  But as I hopped onto the underside of a small bridge, pressing myself up against it to stay out of the rushing waters beneath me, it occurred to me that maybe that assessment hadn’t been so accurate.

I’ve been running jobs like this for years.  Sure, I usually prefer to pick my own targets, but it wasn’t unheard of for someone to contact me and make a good case, just like my current “client” did.  So I proceeded as normal: read up on the target, dropped them an @ on social media saying “Congratulations!  You’re next!”, and went to get my wardrobe cleaned. (I know what you’re thinking, but a proper wardrobe is essential in this line of work!  The gunmetal-colored alchemar I wear is some nice armor for sure, but on its own it just doesn’t pop.  Add a dark brown fog coat, a bowler hat, and a green silk scarf, and there, brings the whole thing together!  Well, that and a black domino mask with fabric over my mouth for anonymity…also important. Anyway.)

The property belonged to Jenaro Walters, one of the richest men in the world and exactly the kind of scum I love to steal from.  According to the client, he kept one of his most prized possessions, a priceless jade vase, in his summer castle near the southern shore. (Yes, summer castle. He owns multiple honest-to-God castles, and that’s in addition to five other homes. What’s that?  He could feed the entire country for a decade with that kind of money?  You’re right! But he won’t!) It had a lovely view of the surrounding countryside, otherwise untouched for miles around with the sea lapping in just on the horizon, and was protected by immense stone walls reinforced with iron supports and guarded by a “highly-trained” security team.  The castle itself is on the small side for a castle: still unreasonably huge, but looking at others on the market you can see Walters had some restraint.  It sported half a dozen battlements and barely fewer towers, a moat inside and outside the outer wall, but decoration-wise it was rather plain.  Not a single gargoyle in sight!  What a waste.  Well, at least I wouldn’t be tempted to steal one.

The job went well at first.  I waited until night had fallen before making my approach, discovering that the guards were in such a panic thanks to my announcement that it was child’s play sneaking past them and scaling the wall.  I made my way across the courtyard, in through one of the windows, and around a few bends in the barren stone hall before realizing what was wrong. The floorplan didn’t match the one I had memorized at all.  When that dawned on me, I ran back outside to gather my bearings, but wouldn’t you know, I came across the one guard who was actually doing her job and suddenly the whole place was on alert.

Now, the cautious thing to do probably would have been to fall back and gather some new intel.  But I didn’t do that.

At the very least, I was careful in crawling onto the right side of the bridge.  No one was around to see me, so I sprinted back over to the castle, pressing myself against a shadowed wall to remain out of sight as I thought.  This was honestly a pretty troubling development: the floorplans I get from the Phantom Network are always accurate, and are updated frequently enough that my target couldn’t have had enough time to remodel.  So the way I saw it, there were two possibilities.  Either someone here had some kind of technology or ability that allowed them to quickly rearrange the interior of a building, or…one of my fellow thieves provided a fake floorplan.

But I had to set that aside for the moment—this vase wasn’t going to steal itself, and the longer I wait the more chance these idiots will have to get their act together. My alchemar switched on with a low hum. Gravity’s hold on me lessened, and with one leap I shot up towards the castle roof; just before reaching it, I shifted gravity sideways, dropping on all fours against the wall and creeping forward to glance over the edge.  A tall tower stood at the center of the rooftop, and the surrounding area was barren. Unfortunately, there was a balcony about halfway up the tower, from which several spotlights scanned the area. That and the door at its base were the only ways in.

I could certainly take out the guards, but with the place on high alert it wouldn’t be long before someone realized they weren’t at their post—getting out would be a lot more difficult than it needed to be.  I knew I needed to take the long way.  I waited until the searchlights had just swept past and then threw myself over the edge. With my gravity still rotated, I “fell” straight across the rooftop to the tower door, successfully avoiding detection; I then restored normal gravity, dropping down from the wall, and tried the door.  It was…unlocked?  That didn’t bode well.  This job was getting worse by the minute…but, I was too stubborn to back out.  So in I went.

The first few floors of the tower were totally empty.  I was extra careful in sneaking past the entrance to the balcony, and made it roughly three-quarters of the way up before encountering something I couldn’t avoid.  The floor in question was one long hallway, lined with fancy artwork and exotic plants, terminating in an elegantly carved double door that had a single guard.  He was large.  Large as in roughly the same size as the doorframe behind him.  Tall, broad-shouldered, muscular physique, and wearing flashy gold alchemar made of thick plates with a horned helmet that totally obscured his visage, with locks of straight brown hair flowing out the back. Nice aesthetic, I’ll give him that.

I took a moment to weigh my options.  I could go back to the balcony—incapacitating the guards from behind would be even easier, and then I could climb the tower from the outside and avoid this wall of muscle. However, that didn’t solve the problem the conspicuously-still searchlights would cause.  Forward remained the best choice.  Hoping to avoid a fight if possible, I activated my alchemar and quickly increased the force of gravity upon him from a distance. Unfortunately for me, rather than collapsing like a normal person would, the big gorilla managed to stay upright, and now knew someone else was nearby.  Fantastic.

“Who goes there?” he bellowed.  “Show yourself, trespasser!”

Well, no point in hiding.  I strolled into the room, keeping gravity focused on my foe, and tipped my hat to him. “Evening, friend.  Would you mind letting me through?”

He glared at me—even with his face hidden, it was obvious.  “You…!  You’re the one I was told to watch out for!  Phantom Thief Roche!”

“Oh, I see my reputation proceeds me,” I said.  I removed my hat, twirling it around with one finger.  “Well, you know my name: who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?”

Despite the intense gravity, the guard raised his arms and flexed them proudly, declaring, “My name is Aldebrand!  I have served under Master Walters for the whole of my life, and in light of your recent threat, he has ordered me to ensure the safety of his most prized possession!”

“Ah, so his prized possession is kept here!  Thanks for confirming that, Brandy.”

Aldebrand lowered his arms.  “Oh…”

Returning my hat to my head, I said, “Look, Brandy, I can see you’re under the rich bastard’s thrall so I won’t try to reason with you, but I am getting that vase one way or another.  Just lie down, for your own sake.”

Instead, Aldebrand took a defiant step forward.  “I think not! I know your tricks, thief—you think that you are unstoppable simply for wielding the power of gravity?  You have chosen a coward’s element!  I shall defeat you head-on!”

He charged.  The second he did, I willed the point my gravity powers were pulling him towards to move forward even faster, pulling his head down to the floor.  On one hand, it worked.  On the other, that didn’t stop him.  Aldebrand pushed himself forward along the floor, his alchemar flashing and releasing flames that wreathed his body; I was only barely able to jump in time, adjusting my own gravity so that I “dropped” to the ceiling.

“Fire,” I mumbled. “That’s less than ideal.”

Honestly?  I was expecting something like rock or metal. When a big brute uses alchemar, they usually favor an element that’s tough, strong, and, well, physical.  Were that the case, I could easily counteract any move he made: no matter what rocks or blades he threw, I could alter gravity to redirect them, staying out of range while using his own attacks against him. Fire, though…fire doesn’t care so much about gravity.  Basically, Aldebrand had the advantage in both ranged and close combat, and I was going to need to get creative.

“What’s the matter?” Aldebrand asked as he struggled to his feet.  “You come to pick a fight, yet are too afraid to finish it?”

He held both hands out, shooting a volley of fireballs at me.  Rolling out of the way, I willed gravity to pull Aldebrand towards the farthest wall, momentarily ceasing his attack; he spun as he fell, ultimately landing on his feet, and then threw a punch.  His fist spawned a compressed, fast-moving fireball that shot directly at me. Quick reflexes were all that saved me, dropping me to the wall just as the flames sailed past my head. Aldebrand didn’t let up: he ran along the wall towards me, shooting more fireballs every second.  I opened my hand and pulled a painting into it, catching the attacks and setting the art on fire in the process.

“Fiend!” Aldebrand shouted, stopping his offensive.  “How dare you damage Master Walters’s property!”

I gave a shrug. “Alright, if it means so much to you…”

Spawning another gravity well, I threw the flaming portrait at Aldebrand.  The extra pull brought it to his face faster than he expected, giving me time to get moving, but that was all.  He used the power of his alchemar to extinguish the flames, and then punched another pinpoint blast my way.  This time I was ready, and pulled another painting forward to shield me. Aldebrand roared.

“What’s the big deal?” I asked as I flung the painting.  “Walters has more than enough money to replace this trash.”

Aldebrand swatted the painting away—oh, he adjusted quickly, good for him.  “It is the principle of the thing, you impudent cur! But what should I expect of one who simply takes what rightfully belongs to others?”

Ducking below another fireball, I said, “Rightfully?  That’s rich.”

Aldebrand reared back.  Just in time, I leapt onto another wall, dodging his attack, and then leapt right at him, manipulating gravity to pull us both towards each other to amplify the force of the punch I delivered to his face.  I remembered too late that he was wearing very thick armor.  As we both dropped to the floor, I clutched my hand, grunting through my teeth, and Aldebrand wasn’t willing to give me a chance to recover.  A huge fireball sent me rolling across the floor—if not for the protective field my alchemar generated, that probably would’ve burned me to a crisp.  I got on my feet as quickly as I could, only to find Aldebrand charging at me.

“Die, wretched thief!” he yelled.

Flattening myself against the floor, I created a gravity well that pulled Aldebrand upward, sailing right overhead and crashing through the door he was meant to guard. He groaned in pain as he picked himself up, and that was when I finally worked out how I was going to win.

“Tell you want, Brandy, I’ll humor you,” I said as I pulled three paintings through the air, lighting them on the residual flames from Aldebrand’s recent attacks.  “You wanna know why I don’t give a damn about Walters’s property?  I’ll tell you: it’s simple reciprocation.”

Aldebrand led with a flurry of fireballs as he ran back into the room.  I carefully manipulated the paintings to shield me, throwing one of them when the opportunity presented itself.

“Walters and all the other elitist bastards like him don’t give a damn about anyone else. They take what they want, leaving as little as possible for those without the power to stop them, all so they can horde everything of value for themselves.”

Aldebrand swatted. Anticipating him, I pulled the painting off to his side, throwing a second at the same time.

“They say you should treat others the way you want to be treated, right?  If he’s treating everyone like dirt, then I can only assume that’s how I oughtta treat him!”

The second painting smashed into Aldebrand’s face while the first circled around to hit him in the back.  He braced for the third, but instead of sending it at him, I sent it around the room to light up the potted plants sitting around.  Aldebrand shook with fury.

“You understand nothing!” he told me.  “Parasites like you are the greedy ones!  I shall tolerate no more of this slander!”

He rushed across the room, and I stood ready.  With a calculated application of my power, the many burning trees all flew straight towards Aldebrand, who surrounded himself in intense flames to totally incinerate them before they could make contact.  A second later he was upon me, throwing his entire weight into a single punch, just like I was hoping.  I leaned back as far as I could—I couldn’t alter my gravity to escape, I needed to focus on Aldebrand’s gravity.  The first step was eliminating the natural force keeping him on the ground, making his body lighter and his punch come faster.  As it passed, the flames surrounding him singed me, but I held fast to my concentration: I generated a powerful gravity well at the exact point where his momentum aimed him, and with nothing to hold him down, the force of Aldebrand’s punch threw him headfirst into its pull, launching him through a support pillar and into the wall with a loud smack.  Any flames that lingered went out as he dropped to the floor, unmoving.

“Whew,” I said, dusting myself off.  “That was a workout.  Hey, Brandy, are you dead?”

I didn’t get a response.

“So that’s a ‘maybe’…ah well.”

I couldn’t be sure that no one had heard our scuffle, so once I was on the other side of the doorway I stacked as much rubble as I could to block off any would-be pursuers. Luckily, I didn’t come across any more opposition until reaching the top floor.  The sprawling circular room had low lighting, and was entirely empty save for the pedestal at the very center, upon which sat a jade vase with a rounded body, short neck, and twin handles.  Drawing a pellet from my coat, I crushed it and blew the resulting dust forward—thin beams of red light came into view, crisscrossing through the entire room to form a tight net around the treasured pottery.  The original plan had been to sneak into the castle’s generator room and deactivate any security measures like this, but now that the floorplan I had received had proved faulty, that was no longer an option.  One look was enough to tell me I wouldn’t fit between the beams, so I took a deep breath and reactivated my alchemar.

First step was to create a gravity well above the vase that was equally strong as the natural gravity pulling it down.  By adjusting the balance between these two forces, I was able to gently lift the vase from its pedestal and move on to the hard part.  Most of the gaps in the net were wide enough that the vase would be able to pass through them standing up, but not all of them—I was going to need to turn the vase on its side to thread it through the laser grid, and figured I’d have the most room to do so right above the pedestal.  It was a very precise process, and being worn out from my fight sure didn’t help matters.  Shifting my hands to help myself better visualize what I was doing, I gradually moved the sources of the opposing pulls on the vase in opposite directions, subtly angling both as I did so that they remained centered directly upon the vase.  One false move and it would drop to floor, shattering and triggering the alarm to notify every guard on the property of my location.  I had to try not to focus on that possibility, though.

It took a while, but I eventually got the vase horizontal, the two gravity wells holding it firmly in place like a pair of tweezers.  I paused to take a breath, and then manipulated the balance between the wells, slowly pulling the vase towards me and through the first opening in the grid. The next gap was to the side, so I halted the vase and again adjusted the locations of the wells to get it in position.  The vase needed to be reoriented this way after every single gap—the grid was cleverly-made, turns out—but eventually it made it across the room, allowing me to pluck it from the air and power down my alchemar.  I allowed myself a sigh of relief as I clutched the vase.  Finally, I thought, I had the damn thing and could get out already.  I had had my fill of surprises for one day.

I turned around to find a gun in my face.  My first thought was that it was incredibly rude—hardly a proper greeting.  My second was a storm of rage I can’t quite articulate with words.

“Congratulations, Roche!” said the one holding the gun.  “Job well done, I’d say.”

My eye twitched. I recognized that voice.  Sure enough, I was looking at an athletic woman with medium brown skin and bright red, shoulder-length hair that nicely framed her smug face.  Her alchemar was silver and looked very lightweight, the armor itself being very sleek but accentuated by a knee-length half-skirt and off-the-shoulder shawl, both made of smooth pink fabric.  Despite the situation, I was totally powerless to stop myself from letting out a long, wordless groan.

“Kari,” I then muttered.  “So good to see you.”

She giggled. “Aw, thank you!  It’s lovely seeing you as well.”

I gestured around, careful not to touch the still-active lasers.  “Come here often?”

“Nope, first time.”

“What a coincidence, me too.  I’ll warn you now, the service is terrible—I ordered a drink an hour ago and haven’t heard back since.”

Playing along with a sour expression, she said, “Oh, that’s a shame.  It had such good reviews.”

“Well, maybe they’re having an off night, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions.”

“Good point.” Kari held out her free hand. “Anyway, I’ll take that.”

Pulling the vase away, I said, “Um, excuse me?  I stole this fair and square, Kari.  I won’t give it up so easily—you haven’t even bought me dinner.”

“How can I if the service is bad?”

“I never said it had to be here.”

Rolling her eyes, Kari said, “You’re such hard work, you know that?”

“I take pride in it, in fact.”

A smirk crossed Kari’s face.  “Darling, if you don’t give me the vase, how can I pay you for your services?”

I can only imagine what my face looked like as I slowly processed what she was telling me. I’m imagining something very stupid-looking.

“You…you’re my client?” I asked.

Kari nodded. “Mm-hm!”

“If you wanted the damn thing, why not just steal it yourself?!”

“Too much work. This was easier.”

I’m an idiot.  A fool.  I’m a complete and total sap.  I’d say she played me like a fiddle, but I’ve tried playing fiddle—it’s actually very difficult, and saying that’s what happened when she exerted zero effort would be an insult to the skilled fiddle-players of the world.

As I was mentally kicking myself, I noticed a change in Kari’s expression.  She looked…serious?  Maybe?  Hard to tell, I’d never seen her serious.  “All joking aside, Roche…I needed to evaluate you, and this seemed like the best way to do it.”

“Evaluate?” I repeated.  “…Wait, this was a test?  You set this all up to…hang on: are you the one who swapped the floorplan in the Phantom Network database?”

Her coy smile returned.  “Haven’t the foggiest what you’re referring to, but sounds like it’s beside the point.”

“It’s definitely point-adjacent.”

“Listen, darling: I have a lead on a much, much bigger job, but after running the numbers it looks unlikely I’ll be able to pull it off myself.  I need an…assistant.  And after screening a few candidates, I’ve decided you’re the best fit.”

“Lucky me,” I grumbled.

“You are lucky! Now, what do you say you hand me that vase and we talk business?”

I handed her the vase. She had to grab it with both hands, finally removing the gun from its threatening position, and I replied, “I say ‘see ya’.”

Not giving her a chance to answer, I headed for the door.  However, in the time it took me to blink, Kari was suddenly standing in the doorway, pouting with the vase tucked under one arm.  At least she had put the gun away.

“Hey now, what kind of response is that?” she asked.

“After discovering I’ve been bamboozled by a chronic pain in the neck who wants to make me her lackey?  An entirely fair one, in my humble opinion.”

“‘Humble’, huh?”

“Well, it sounds nice.”

Kari sighed. Her alchemar shimmered briefly as she let go of the vase—rather than falling, it hung eerily-still in mid-air, allowing her to ignore it as she stepped towards me.

“Roche,” she said, looking…probably-serious again.  “When I say this is a big job, I’m not talking about payment.  I’m talking about what it means.”

I snorted a laugh. “What?  Suddenly you care about what jobs mean?  My gosh, Kari, when did you become a proper thief?”

I expected a sharp retort, but that’s not what I got.  Kari’s expression remained the same, and something danced behind her eyes…I couldn’t really tell what it was, but it made me feel like a bit of a jerk. And not in the satisfying way.

“I may owe you some explanation,” Kari said, “but certain things are still personal.  I hope you understand.”

Ah.  So it’s personal.

“A job like this unsettles the elitists, shows the people their oppressors aren’t invincible. But miscellaneous gestures like this just aren’t enough.  Haven’t you ever wondered what it would take to really change things?  To not just undermine the oppressors’ power, but to take it all away?”

I had to think for a moment, ultimately saying, “That sounds too good to be true.  And in any event…frankly, Kari, I wouldn’t feel safe working with you.  You’ve screwed me over a few too many times for me to just trust you.”

Kari nodded. “…Fair enough.”

Really?  Who is this?  What the hell happened to her?!

Before I could form a coherent reply, though, she extended her hand and said something even more shocking: “Honor among thieves.”

I gawked.  I was just too stunned to do much of anything else. When I finally found some words, I said, “You…do know how serious a promise that is, right?  If you break it, the Phantom Network will ban you—or worse.”

She stared directly into my eyes and said, “I understand completely.”

…Dammit.  Just when I thought I knew how to handle this thorn in my side, she finds new ways to defy expectation.  I couldn’t believe I was actually considering her offer. But, even with our history, I couldn’t deny she seemed genuine…and admittedly, I had found myself wanting something more than petty theft.  Stripping the elites of their power altogether was too tantalizing a prospect to simply ignore.

“Oh, what the hell,” I mumbled, taking the hand offered to me.

Kari’s face brightened a bit, and she failed to suppress a smirk.  “Not very official.”

Smiling back, I leaned forward and said, “Honor among thieves.  I look forward to working with you, dear Kari.”

To be sure I was overselling it, I quickly kissed her hand before letting go.  Kari turned, tossing her hair, and said, “Excellent. Welcome aboard, Roche.  Now, shall we make our escape?”

As she walked through the door, she pulled a pink veil over her face.  I took a step after her, but then realized the vase was still hanging there, and turned to say something.

“Oh,” she said, “and would you mind carrying the vase?”

The power holding it aloft cut out suddenly—I had to scramble to catch it in time.  Giving a heavy sigh, I said under my breath, “Yup. I really have no idea what I’m getting myself into.”

[heyheyitsstillgay]

Respect the Dead

Phandom Phic Phight Entry #2 based on a prompt from @whosvladagain

#TeamGhost team leader @ibelieveinahappilyeverafter

Previous Entry ; Also available on FFN ; Next Entry

Words: 3,635; Status: Complete

TW: Panic, Vomit mention, themes of death.

Okay, he looks significantly less friendly than Wulf. Though, perhaps a tad nicer than Cujo's angry form. Maybe Danny can calm him down, slowly lead him somewhere safer. Coax him away from Casper High, without getting into a fight that promises to be filled with sharp teeth and claw marks. Clockwork forbid the school bell goes off when a ghost wolf who clearly has a lot of pent up anger is stalking the halls not far from the gym.

"Easy, boy." Phantom mutters, hand stretched in front of him in what he hopes is a non-threatening manner. When he first tried to aim the thermos at him the ghost-wolf lashed out. Danny's unsure if the animal knows what the thermos can do, or is aware it's a threat, or perhaps is confusing the metallic contraption for a gun. Either way the ghost boy is too close to the animal right now to try anything like that again without getting his glove bitten off. Sure, his Hazmat got ruined all the time, he's slightly more concerned about the hand residing in the glove though. It would be nice to return to class in one piece rather than partially digested by a wolf or exposed to some kind of spectral rabies. Maybe? Do ghosts have rabies? Okay, we'll be wondering if bacteria has the possibility for an ecto afterlife when we're in a slightly less half-life threatening situation, perhaps.

Danny keeps his knees bent and his stance wide to improve his balance and increase his reaction time whilst still making himself smaller in hopes of appearing less threatening. He moves around the spirit in a circle, not wanting to risk getting any closer. Maybe if he can find a blind spot he can shoot the thermos from there. He's hesitant to put distance between them. Surely the last thing to do when faced with a growling wild animal, is give chase. Would the animal freak if he floated or phased? Was hiding in the air vents a really idiotic plan?

Given the direction he was walking he was about to hit a wall, or rather go through it and into the boys locker room. If he left the wolf's line of sight he had no doubt it would bolt after him. After all, Phantom's the only person the wolf has seen here, if he's going to try to hunt anyone down then it's him. Class is still in session so there's no humans nearby enough for the wolf to go after.

There is a door to the boys locker room which would make entry less hazardous than phasing, he thinks. Going through that entrance however would require moving closer to the beast, which isn't going to happen.

Side hitting the wall, he phases through. From within the plasterboard he kicks upwards into the ceiling as he hears the crash of the animal splintering the wooden door open. Great. More property damage. He floats into the air ducts and regains his solidity. For some reason the crashing sound hasn't stopped. The wolf is yelping, growling, whimpering, the clattering going on sounds almost metallic as it echoes through the vents. Danny tentatively places his fingers onto the walls around him. Tail rippling as he meanders forward, slowly, towards the light leaking in from below, the grates of the vent. If he can aim the thermos through it unnoticed, then that's this confrontation solved.

"Damn it! Pesky mutt!" Danny freezes as a deep voice reverberates from below. "Where did he go?!" It growls as a sickening splat cuts through all other sounds of chaos. Danny's habit of breathing stops as he remains as still as he can. That sound… that wasn't good.

The smell of copper and formaldehyde bites at his nose hairs and he almost chokes. He can taste it at the back of his throat against the rising acid. Ectoplasm.

That wasn't all, Skulker is down there. Quiet settling over them that yelled louder in his ears than anything previously from that room.

The wolf was gone. Must have been. Scent alone told him that much. Smoky as though it's very ectoplasm had been grilled. He knew the smell of destabilisation. Skulker swore. Why could Danny smell pine needles now? And fresh grass? Why did that make the urge to vomit even harder to suppress?

He doesn't want to see, doesn't want to know. Unbidden, his body floats forward without him telling it to. He reaches the grate, can finally see the state of the locker room below him. Pupils shrinking to the size of pinpricks, his throat closes at the sight.

Skulker isn't looking at him, fortunately, though it's clear the hunter can sense his prey is still nearby. The wolf, the bait, Danny realises, is barely recognisable. It's clear where it happened, a glowing blue net loose against the wall next to the door. With his enhanced hearing, Phantom can hear the net humming faintly. Was it, supposed to do this? The halfa wonders to himself.

Chunks of green lie below the net, barely touching it. Ectoplasm was usually viscous, think cornstarch in water, able to change between thin liquid and liquid thick enough to stand on its own. The chunks down there looked more like raw lime jello. With lines of black from where it had clearly made contact with the net. Dark smoke continued to rise from it in wisps. None of the discernibly wolf features remained. A light in the pile, a natural forest green compared to the now dark rotting green of the rest, it glowed like a flickering light. Something was oozing from it, but it wasn't ectoplasm, it was something deeper, more important, vital. It evaporated into mist immediately after contact with the air. The wolf's core had ruptured, cracked, shattering, it was bleeding out right in front of them and neither of the ghosts were trying to do anything about it. There wasn't anything they could do. An involuntary shiver wracks Danny's body as another wave of tree bark and pine passes over him.

They shouldn't be so close, this is so incredibly personal. No one should be looking at this, no one should be smelling this. But the animal died with them. It shouldn't be alone for this. It's too much, a new level of suffering and death that no spirit should ever have to go through. It's essence and soul is clinging to the scents in the air around them. Phantom and Skulker are the only people who can accept it, so they must.

It takes another fourteen minutes for the glow to leave the core and the smell around them to disperse. After which time, Skulker lowers his head. Placing a hand against his chest plate, the hunter mumbles an apology in ghost speak before he turns tail and leaves the room through the wall. This was hardly a situation to continue the hunt, so he doesn't.

Danny didn't like toast already, why the hell would Skulker have a ghost toaster? It was barbaric. Intentional core damage was very taboo, by everyone's standards, not just Walker's. The ghost boy moves through the vent and descends until he drops onto the floor by his toes. Neither of them have moved the net or disturbed the remains. Regular ectoplasm would evaporate naturally over time, he hopes that's able to happen now. He feels a slight territorial growl at the thought of any humans interfering with the animal husk. Glaring at the splintered door, he drags a bench in front of it. Stepping back with his head at a tilt, he uses his ghostly strength to stack another bench on top of it, in hopes that the humans would get the message. Stay Out. Sighing to himself, he mumbles a "good luck" in ghost speak before turning and leaving via the wall.

"Oh good grief." Ms Tetslaff grumbles as she passes the boys locker room on her way to the gym. She doesn't care who did it but if she does find out who then they're in for one hell of a kickboxing match. She slams her fist into her other palm and cracks her knuckles. How could someone cause chaos like this on tonight of all nights!? They needed to have the gym looking it's best! If she discovers even a hint of disturbance in that room too, she just might lose it.

The gym is fine, thankfully. Principal Ishiyama is in there with Mr Falluca, discussing the layout for the room. Tonight was supposed to be prom night, they had around 5 hours to decorate before students were meant to be arriving. Laraine calms herself and marches over to the folded tables to set them up along the wall.

"An Inspector Calls! Laraine!" Edward Lancer poked his head through the doors to the gym, exasperated. "Could you lend us a hand please? It seems that door has been barricaded from the inside, as well as broken into pieces!" Mrs Tetslaff nods and sets down the table she was carrying.

Ghosts then? She huffs. At least that means the students will live to see another day, unless the culprit is still inside. In which case they won't be having anything to do with tonight's celebrations if she gets a say in it. She punches her arm through the wide crack in the wood and grasps tightly onto the edge of whatever's blocking it beneath. Bracing her shoulders against the door, she flicks her wrist and shoves against it. They all hear the clatter of the barrier as she steps back and slams against the door again. This time it gives, they force through into the room.

Mrs Tetslaff's eyes dart around the mess. Yep, definitely ghosts. Wheeling his cleaning cart next to her, the long suffering janitor heaves a huge sigh and grumbles to himself. She shoots him a sympathising look before returning to the gym with Edward.

In the past, proms at Casper had always had themes; Medieval times, Fantasy, 70's night. Some genius on the PTA decided this year's should have a supernatural theme. Oh the hilarity. Some adults were in one corner blowing up black balloons and preparing to decorate the walls with the Halloween supplies, while the librarian and Mr Falluca seemed to have had the idea of putting an orange feather boa on the skeleton from the biology department. As if that could only ever end well. Mrs Tetslaff finished setting the tables up, lined with black plastic table cloths, ready for punch, nibbles and candy.

"Oh for- The Legend of Sleepy Hollow!" Laraine marches over to the exasperated English teacher.

"Whatever is it now, Edward?" The man was reaching the end of his tether and responds only by shoving the Halloween bunting into her hands.

"Ah." Or rather, the remains of the Halloween bunting. Disintegration appears to have occurred while it was in the box. Although, upon closer inspection, the plastic maintains an unnatural cold and there are faint scorch marks at the edge of the ribbons. Ghosts, again. So they were going to have a prom in a room with a skeleton and a lot of black balloons, seems more like a particularly gothic funeral than a celebration for teenagers.

"What are we supposed to do now?" Mr Lancer sighed, picking through the box and watching it all turn to dust at his fingertips.

"Quit mopin'," she began, "I'm sure we'll think of something. I'll head to the shops and see if there's anything I can find."

"But it's the middle of May?!" He exclaimed, she simply levelled him a glare and stepped towards the gym doors with heavy feet.

On her way out when she crossed paths with the janitor, something in particular catches her eye. She does a double take, taps the elderly man on the shoulder and points towards the object in question.

"Can I borrow this?" She asks, "I might just have had a really good idea." She remembers the art teacher is stood just a room away, he is going to love this.

The trio had left for prom a tad early, expecting to be caught up in ghost attacks and ending up fashionably late. None of them want to inconvenience any dates so they've decided to go together as friends, just in case. If somehow no ghosts attack and Tucker ends up meeting someone he likes while they're there, then good for him. Danny and Sam will just have to despair at his absence. As if they don't have the pleasure of seeing him everyday.

For once in their lives, however, Amity was actually being pretty quiet tonight. The trio are left to their own excitement for the upcoming party. Tucker is smiling gleefully, pride rolling from his shoulders over his hand-made costume.

"I say we have a contest tonight, see how many girls Danny Phantom can get, versus how many girls the far superior, younger, fresher, finer, Tucker Phantom can get?" He brushes his fingers through his white anime wig and glances over to his friend.

While said friend is undeniably Danny Phantom, at this time he's just Danny Fenton, black hair, red trainers and blue jeans. The only difference being his shirt, while still white, this shirt has black text that reads 'Nobody knows I'm dead.'

"Or you can spend tonight enjoying yourself in ways that don't involve pressuring someone into showing you affection." Sam rolls her eyes playfully at her friend.

"You're just jealous that you couldn't put together a cool ghost cosplay in time!"

"Um- you think I'm a cool ghost?" Danny cracked a smile.

"Hell yeah man, you're friends with me aren't you? That alone makes you the coolest, never mind the awesome super powers and the teen idolisation." The halfa just shakes his head and feels his cheeks heat in response.

"For the record," Sam spoke up "I don't feel the need to dress up as a ghost, not to infringe on or appropriate the culture of spirits or anything, but I'm dead inside all the time anyway. I can be a creature of the night any old day of the week." she stated with pride. It's not like she isn't making an effort, this year she has a black gothic dress with green and gold detailing, no one questions how she is able to speak so clearly with those fangs in her mouth again.

"Speaking of effort," Tucker redirects his attention, "Hey Danny, what happened to cutting some holes in a bed sheet and layering them over that outfit? You know no one's going to get that t-shirt, right?"

"Firstly, you've met my dad. In what universe is it safe to walk within 9 yards of him with a bed sheet over your head, regardless of species. Secondly, you guys get the t-shirt and I'm not wearing it for any one else, I'm wearing it for me because it is hecking hilarious. I paid good money for this online okay? You can't take this away from me, I won't let you." He pouted exaggeratedly at Tucker while the teen giggled at the imagery of Jack Fenton single handedly destroying a whole bed section of a store.

Turning into Casper High, Sam's heels click against the concrete as they walk towards the back entrance to the gym. An aged looking banner adorns the entryway, the double doors are closed. Nearby stood the ticket stand, the line for which is considerably short, though it makes sense considering how early in the night it is.

The trio slow their pace as they near the queue. A slight chill is in the air, Sam folds her arms into her torso, Tucker's jaw clenches, something like liquid nitrogen tries to crawl up Danny's throat. It's not too unusual, it's early evening but more notably - they live in a ghost town. Usually there's plenty of cold spots dotted around the place, even more so when the halfas are around, which is why he's not particularly off put. That is, until the couple at the front of the queue head inside, the moment the door cracks open.

A sense of foreboding increases tenfold. The first thing that hits him is the smell. It's odd but his head still snaps up and his breathing slows instinctively. He's not sure why it has his attention. It reminds of cheap watered down bleach, or the stuff he uses to clean his parents lab when there's been a particularly bad explosion that demands his attention. It looks fairly dark inside, but there's an unpromising quality to it, a light glow that resonates within him. Eyebrows creasing, Danny remains silent as the three teens take a few steps forwards in line.

Eye contact is maintained with the door the whole wait. If Sam and Tucker notice his examining gaze then they don't comment on it. Next time the door opens it has his full attention. The room, it almost has an aura of its own. His core doesn't poke towards it in curiosity like it would a ghost and obviously his ghost sense hasn't gone off, so what's going on? Maybe there's some kind of giant ghostly relic that's somehow found its way into his school gym. Okay, that sounds stupid. They're almost in anyway, he'll see what's happening for himself then.

When they reach the table the ghost boy doesn't spare a glance for whoever's manning the stall. He simply slams his money down and marches over to the door, arms outstretched. With a tug of the handle he drags the door wide open.

The lights are off, but it's not pitch black. The walls are covered with something that he's certain everyone else here is under the delusion of being glow in the dark paint. It forms shapes that dance across the walls, little characters whose faces are mock attempts of scary, but it's not the smiles that are sinister. His friends are at his side as the realisation settles further. That is not glow in the dark paint.

Yes, it smelt like his parents basement. Ectoplasm mixed with disinfectant. He recognises the smell now there isn't a barrier in the way. His pupils faded from his eyes as realisation dawned, exactly where this ectoplasm was from, who this ectoplasm was from. Green is all he can see, it's swarming his senses, filling his oesophagus, thrashing against his sides.

No, that wasn't the ectoplasm. People had their hands on him, grabbing him, holding him, trying to drag him one way or another. It feels like he's drowning but his mouth is dry, his chest is constricting. Faintly, a part of him is surprised that his soul hasn't left his body yet. His core is flaring, trying to reach out.

He wants to hunt down whoever is responsible, wants to hurt them. Wants to rip the building down by shaping the ectoplasm in his fingers into claws, wants to chase everyone away and carefully peel the remains from the walls and find somewhere safer to put them. Idiot. Leaving someone's final remains in a public school. What were Skulker and himself expecting from humans?

Woah, back up. Stop. He could calm down from this. Blinking, his eyes burn with un-shed tears. He grips the grass between his fingers until his knuckles turned white. He releases a shaky breath and takes another one. Regaining his bearings, it registers that he's sat in the grass a little away from the building but still on school grounds. His head feels too heavy for his neck to hold, so he drops it. Facing down towards his knees, he clasps his eyes shut and focuses on evening his breathing to that of a regular human being. He shoves down the panic that rises as his vision is clouded by eyelids that carry a faint green tinge. His throat feels red raw now that the numbness is leaving his body, like someone had forced him to swallow acid. He hadn't vomited had he? He cracks his eyes open to check his surroundings. Tucker is sat next to him, hovering a hand over Danny's shoulder but hesitant to actually touch him. The techno-geek looks startled, the thumb of his left hand moving swiftly across his PDA as his eyes scan the text. Sam isn't nearby. She's a distance away, closer to the gym than she is to him, waving her hands frantically in the face of one of the chaperones.

Danny rubs the heels of his hands against his eyes and fully raises his head. The movement draws a flinch out of his best friend whose head snaps up to check over him with wide eyes.

"You okay, man?" The boy asks, voice soft and steady, "Blood Blossoms gone?" "Blood Blossoms?" the halfa croaks, hand clutching at his throat in a vain attempt to fix the cracks. "Yeah, it looked pretty bad. I couldn't see the red lightning like last time though. I was trying to check if there was some other subspecies with slightly different properties, we couldn't see the circle anywhere either. You seemed kind of… mad when we tried to get you away but you started to calm down after a minute or so, so like…" He trails off and smiles reassuringly, Danny pretends not to notice the dark circle beginning to blossom on his friend's jaw or the feeling of drying red blood cracking beneath his own fingernails. The trembling across his form is dying down as he shakes his head slowly. "That wasn't-" His voice creaks and he tries again "wasn't Blood Blossoms. Th-they, um…" biting his cheek to centre himself, he swears, it comes out as a shaky whisper.

"What kind of awful, terrifying creature, lines their walls with the blood and broken soul of the dead and gone?"

Based on WhosVladAgain’s Prompt: They're doing prom decorations and ran out of glow in the dark paint; luckily ectoplasm does too…

[fairytail-whathesays]

So uh, I don’t know how coherent this will be (forgive me, it’s almost midnight here) but I’ll try anyway.

I’ve been rereading FT after not touching it for years (I am in the middle of the Galuna arc, btw, so anything after that is not as fresh to me) and I was struck both by how much better than the latter canon the early parts were (if only for the lessened fanservice, and the still believable situations) and by how a lot of what I hate about FT is already rearing its ugly head.

That they are. The real problems behind Fairy Tail start with Phantom Lord, and I honestly enjoy Galuna Island a lot more than other arcs.

Case in point: what is basically the first friendship-nakama-etc speech, courtesy of Makarov himself. (I am not 100% sure it is the actual first, but it is probably the first to be that overt and long.) And honestly, this, coupled with what Makarov said to Romeo way back in the Balkan/Vulcan arc, already makes me hate him.

Rebelling against authority is cool if that authority is corrupt. Saying “fuck you” against authority that really wants you to quit destroying property and punching people is not cool at all. Especially if your longtime friend is a member of that authority and catches shit for all of your wrongdoing.

And, having read your post about the reasons you hate Makarov, I noticed that - chronologically - it starts with Gajeel. So, uh, I wanted to add something about him that you had not written about yet, as far as I know? (and, I mean, I might have missed it if you had since I only discovered this blog today! Though i have been binge-reading it for some hours…)

It is often said -and shown- that Makarov believes FT mages to be his “children”, and tbh this shows the kind of father he is…

What I consider his “first offense” comes with his reaction to Romeo’s plea (that someone PLEASE look for his dad, since he took on a job he said would take 3 days and it’s been a week) : he literally brushes him off with the worst words he could have said. “No way! Your dad is a mage! We have no mage here who can’t take care of himself! Go home!”, and later on, to himself: “if he goes to help Macao, it will only hurt his pride. No one can decide what he should do, just leave him alone.”

Fuck, I never remember that until people bring it up–but now that you mention it, I remember thinking that was really shitty, too. 1) A man’s pride is not worth less than his safety and life or the damage it causes his child to see that life in danger, and 2) that just fucking stupid. “Mages can take care of themselves”? He was up in the mountains and it was below freezing. Makarov acts like mages are immortal and infallible and that not returning from a three-day mission after a week is cause for no concern.

Then of course, when Macao is rescued by Natsu & Lucy (and he was very much in need of rescuing), he is grateful, and his pride is not damaged at all, as he tells Romeo of how he managed to defeat 19 monsters by himself.

Thanks, Makarov. Now we know who to trust.

Mirajane, in her exposition mode, says he is actually quite worried - I can believe that, but his reaction is not good at all. And I can understand where he comes from - his words clearly come from some bad experience - but still: he is the guild’s master. Is “everyone here can take care of themselves, and thus nobody should help them, and they should be left alone” the right attitude to take with this kind of things? …Nope, no it isn’t, especially when he is dealing with literal children (whom we know have been part of FT and will soon be again. Since they were FT mages, I expect they, too, would have been considered capable of taking care of themselves?).

Right you are.

The best thing about this? Laxus later on fucking calls him on it, when he refuses to go looking for Natsu and Lucy and drag them back from their stolen S-ranked job: “Don’t be ridiculous… I have another job to take care of. ‘There isn’t a single mage that can’t take care of his own stuff’, right?”

(This, btw, is the exact moment this character became my favorite)

Translation: Double standard? Not on my watch.

Which makes me wonder, how many times has Makarov said that?

Still, I suppose that -as Hiro Mashima does show some self-reflection for once- he did not actually think what Makarov said to do was the best course of action. Although it does not really excuse him pretty much using it for years before Natsu stole that S-ranked quest…

Imagine if that had been the guild’s reaction when considering whether to rescue Makarov from the Alvarez Empire. “Eh, Makarov can take care of himself. He can handle it”. And Makarov, of all people, should’ve been able to. 

Anyway, going back to the whole maybe-first friendship speech (or at least the first one I noticed) : that speech was particularly appalling, at least to me, for being awful both in-canon and out of it.

Let’s start with the out of canon (uh, Doylist point of view I think?):

Yep!

It was bad writing. Pure and simple. The situation is: Kageyama, our resident Eisenwald Shikamaru-expy, has been saved by Team Natsu but has subsequently betrayed them, escaping with Lullaby. He manages to get to the regular meeting of guild masters, and attempts to play the cursed flute in front of Makarov. At that point, though, flashbacks start to happen: at first to the reasons his guild is doing it, then to things Team Natsu said to him - that what they are trying to do won’t accomplish what they truly want, some positive stuff from Gray - anyway, sorta standard stuff, but still effective. He’s sweating and hesitating - and at that point, the dreaded Speech commences: it is, tbh, a mess that boils down to “Alone, we are weak. Together, we are strong” ™ - which ends with Makarov revealing he Knew All Along, and Kage admitting his defeat.

From a purely storytelling point of view, I was - devastated, honestly. I had really gotten into that character (Shikamaru-expy and all), and was legit tearing up a bit at how Team Natsu’s words had had such an effect on him even when they weren’t even trying to Make Him Good or anything. It would have been very powerful, imo, if what had actually happened was that he simply gave up after having those flashbacks, realizing that he never really wanted to kill the guild masters and that he was just lashing out at what he believed to be an unjust world and system etc etc. You know, character development and all - all the more powerful since he never received a Friendship Speech, but simply was impacted by a few comments.

Instead…well, Friendship Speech™, which didn’t even fit into the whole thing (I mean, what has “having nakamas” got to do with what he was doing? Eisenwald’s whole problem is that they were kicked out of the League and made illegal & dark, and that they consider it to be unjust and want to get back at those who did it. That’s… that’s his guild’s issue. His nakama’s issue. The problem with him and his guild wasn’t that they were, Idk, loners without friends or whatever: it was that they were going to kill innocents and people barely connected to those who made them a dark guild, and also that they never quite examined why they were kicked out, and why they were not blameless at all, and did deserve it*), and lessened SO MUCH the impact of a villain deciding that he was on the wrong path mostly on his own, with just a bit of help and without that help being so over the top and condescending.

Way to hit the nail on the head. There is an external problem and an internal problem. The external is their perceived unjust treatment; the internal problem is their extreme reaction to it, nor merely a lack of unity or family attitude. 

Then we have the in-canon problems and- I might repeat myself, you’re warned (it’s almost 0100 uuugh). Okay, so: I can accept Makarov knowing what that flute is and what it does (since even Lucy did), and being confident enough that he could stop that kid if he truly seemed to be ready to play it (he can be fast, and he simply had to extend his arm and take it). But- that speech. Man, that speech.

He is going off an infuriatingly vague and cliched speech, basing it off- what? What does he even know about Kageyama? Does he even know about Eisenwald? Probably not, since he was simply leaving because he got worried about Team Natsu being, well, a thing. Why, then, is he lecturing this person - who, for all he knows, might belong in a guild as nakama-y as FT? (oh, wait, my bad: only the good guys are allowed to have True Nakamas ™. Bad guys get the False Nakamas, if any, who would gladly kill you for power. Always. At all times. For any reason.) He just sounds arrogant, full of himself, and very much trying to do the all-knowing wise mentor routine. With an added bonus of straight up manipulation - telling him that he should not rely on tools but on friends (insert sparkly), and thus should not use that flute (what, not because he would kill innocent people in it? Because using it would be weak? Wow, thanks Makarov, so deep). There is no way in hell this could work if Mashima hadn’t really, really wanted it to. If I was Kageyama, I’d play that flute just because of that speech. That’s how much I hated it.

So if he had followed through with Makarov’s advice, he’d have returned with allies and then slaughtered the guildmasters? Nice advice. It’s doubly stupid because Kageyama is an example of relying on friends–Erigor fell down on the job and cannot complete it, so Kageyama is picking up the slack and completing it for him. Yeah, their end goal might be murder, but the principle is the same: relying on one’s friends.

*Ok this is going to be a really weird rant, but hear me out: the plight of Dark Guilds, and mages from them. For Eisenwald, it wasn’t really explored whether or not all of them were taking up assassination requests or it was just Erigor (or idk, Erigor and a few others). There must have been at least some members of the guild who never killed anyone - and at least some who were unaware of it happening in their guild. Then the guild was ordered to disband and declared dark. …We don’t really see this in canon, but IMO mages from dark guilds probably find it at least somewhat hard to find a good guild to join. And anyway, it does mean giving up your guildmates, and the guild (which, if it happened to FT, would never be supported by the narrative). Honestly, I am not condoning the things dark guilds do - but declaring a guild dark like that is not only harsh but also actively encourages the members of that guild to do Fucked Up Shit, even if they weren’t doing it before. Couldn’t there have been some inquiries, those truly responsible be arrested and the guild, without the worst members, allowed to go on? Only arresting the guild master and declaring the guild dark and ordering it to disband is the worst course of action the council could have undertaken.

That is a weird rant. I didn’t ask this question because the feeling I got while watching the Erigor arc was that most of the members overall didn’t have a problem with murder, but perhaps I’m wrong for assuming that. But generally, I wouldn’t consider that an ill response, since once lives are taken you have to take measures. Dark guilds can be forcibly disbanded when the Magic Council hire light guilds to do so, so it would make sense that they aren’t worried about backlash. 

I… probably have more to say, and what I did say I wanted to say better, but I’m tired as heck and I’ve ranted long enough now. I hope you can glean something halfway coherent from this, and also wanted to let you know your analyses are brilliant and I love them <3 Thanks for reading all this, and please maybe let me know what you think?

I think you made a lot of good points. I’m now stewing in my hatred both for Makarov and for Mashima’s tired, exhausted narrative choices. Thanks for sending!