#it’s called in defense of disney princesses and ohhhh man.

[critterdotcom]

day 33 of crying over a disney animatic

[junker-town]

NFL Dad, Week 4: More chili and fewer Disney princesses, please

One dad, two toddlers, and six hours of the RedZone Channel: The story

I missed the national anthem because I was making chili.

I did not mean it as a slight to the flag, or to myself as a veteran. I honor and respect my own service. I merely wanted to make sure that the chili came to a boil before I turned it down to simmer for the next several hours.

It’s the first weekend of football where the weather feels like fall, and that means chili. Like certain other internet football writers, I love making chili. But I do not have a spicy chili take for you. My chili take is the same as my guacamole take: the bar is extremely low to be very delicious. Everyone has their magical secret that they claim is the KEY to the tastiest chili on the planet, and they should embrace the truth that gives them the best chili experience. But I think the greater truth is that chili is the ‘94 Cowboys, and we’re all just Barry Switzer.

Hey, don’t feel bad. Switzer won a Super Bowl! He’s like if Mike McCarthy had swag.

EARLY GAMES, FIRST HALF

— Jaguars-Jets, man. We really gonna do this?

And yet: Blake Bortles actually converts a third-and-nine with a real pass, and a few plays later he finds Leonard Fournette on a swing pass for a touchdown. 7-0 Jags in MetLife.

Next drive: Bilal Powell falls to the ground after lunging through the line, then gets up and sprints through the Jacksonville D for a 75-yard touchdown, the longest run in Jets history.

This is gonna be the best game today, huh?

— My son is about to go down for his nap, so I read him The House in the Night, which sounds like a horror movie but I swear is a very good bedtime book for young children. As I read, he glances up at Rams-Cowboys, so I hold the book directly in front of his face. How am I supposed to explain to my kids that the Rams have a good offense?

The kids go down within three minutes of each other. Naptime songs: a Spanish lullaby called “Los Pollitos” for my daughter and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” for my son. I sing or hear “Twinkle Twinkle” probably 10 times a day. It’s the only song my daughter ever requests, and my son has now started humming it throughout the day. You know who sings a great version of it? Lisa Loeb. I long for the day when my kids are hooked on Moana. Moana bangs.

— In one of my fantasy leagues, I’m facing Ezekiel Elliott AND Todd Gurley, making every click to Rams-Cowboys fraught with anxiety. Naturally, Zeke is already scoring on a simple swing pass to the left. Alec Ogletree tried to tackle Elliott by the shoulders instead of pushing him out of bounds. The result: Ogletree is the one who goes flying out of bounds.

— With the exception of Moana and maybe Frozen, the rest of the Disney princesses are a scourge on parenthood. The Disney Princess Industrial Complex essentially operates like the anti-vaccine movement. No matter how many parents want to raise their daughters to be action-oriented, independent problem solvers, there’s always a nanny or a grandmother who’s pushing Sleeping Beauty or Snow White (which are the SAME DAMN STORY), and that shit spreads like the plague.

And regardless of your feelings on feminism, the message isn’t a great one to send your kids. “Got a problem? Just go to sleep and someone will take care of it.” That only works if your dad owns an NFL team.

— Will Fuller catches a 16-yard touchdown from Deshaun Watson, and the Texans are up on the Titans 21-0 early in the 2nd quarter. Wow, isn’t it crazy that the rookie quarterback most prepared for the pros was the guy who was the best player on the field in consecutive national title games against Alabama? Who could have foreseen that? The guy just flew under the radar.

Good job by the Bears to trade up to get the guy who started for NC State for a year, though.

— My daughter is infected with that princess virus, by the way. After spending the last week obsessed with Ariel and The Little Mermaid, the new game we played outside today is “I’m Cinderella!” She pretends to put on a dress, rides in a coach to the ball (the other side of the courtyard), dances, then leaves the ball. Then we play again. And again. And again.

You ever throw a tennis ball for a tireless Labrador retriever? It’s like that. Early on, I make all the horsey sounds on the way to the ball, and I pick her up and waltz in circles while humming “The Blue Danube” (FULL DISCLOSURE: this moment is magical, and by itself justifies having children). By the fifth time, though, it’s like, “OK, sweetie, have fun at the ball,” while I sit on the pavement.

I have never given my daughter a fairy tale book or Disney media of any kind, by the way. Kids just end up with the knowledge and matériel through their toddler network of spies and informants.

— Alfred Morris breaks off a 70-yard run, and I’m enthralled by the prospect of a Cowboys touchdown being scored by someone other than Elliott. But of COURSE Morris gets tackled a few yards short of the goal line.

Zeke, of course, punches it in from two yards out. But wait! It gets overturned on review; the officials rule he was short of the end zone. So, Zeke immediately gets the ball again and scores easily. The lesson? Never play fantasy football.

— I’m seeing it more on Twitter than on RedZone, but Antonio Brown went wild on the Steelers sideline, flipping a Gatorade cooler and yelling at coaches after not getting the ball deep on third down despite being open. Look at this topspin! Rafael Nadal would be jealous.

If you’re inclined to chastise Brown for the angry display, please keep in mind that he has to interact with Todd Haley six days a week. That would push anyone the edge.

— Gio Bernard takes a screen pass and goes 61 yards completely untouched to put the Bengals up 21-0 over the Browns, and I think that’s all I need to write about this game today. The Battle of Ohio: There Couldn’t Possibly Be Less at Stake™.

— Dalvin Cook scores a short TD to put Vikings up 7-3 over the Lions just before halftime. This game has been punt-filled death slog, but Cook justifies its existence. Like Deshaun Watson at quarterback, Cook was the running back who, if you watched what he did in college, you naturally assumed he would be good in the pros*. It’s why I drafted him on three of my four fantasy teams. Love that guy.

*statement applies only to sane people who aren’t NFL scouts

— Juju Smith-Schuster scores and has an INCREDIBLY good TD celebration.

HADOUKEN http://pic.twitter.com/gdHBwEOlmW

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) October 1, 2017

After the game, Smith-Schuster will insist that this is the kamehameha from Dragon Ball Z, but that’s only because he never had the pleasure of playing Street Fighter.

— Stephen Gostkowski doinks in a 50-yard field goal as the first half ends. The Pats trail 17-16 at home to the Panthers. QUELLE INTRIGUE!

— Facing fourth-and-21 on their own 47 with 22 seconds left in the half, the Jets run a fake punt ... and convert it! Incredible. The MOST Jetsy thing the Jets could have done is hilariously mess that up, but the second-most Jetsy thing is convert it by having one Jet collide into the Jet ballcarrier, inadvertently redirecting him away from tacklers.

... Annnnnnd they missed the ensuing field goal. (*jazz hands*) The Aristo-Jets!

EARLY GAMES, SECOND HALF

— At halftime of the early games, I get to see highlights from this morning’s Dolphins-Saints game in London. Oh my Lord, the Dolphins got shut out by the Saints. THE SAINTS!!! And just a week after Miami managed just six points against the Jets. The Dolphins should be contracted immediately.

I can only assume this was a Cutlerian performance for the ages. (*performs quick Google search*)

Cutler really selling his role in the Wildcat at the bottom of the screen http://pic.twitter.com/WgHxXvxlHL

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) October 1, 2017

Ohhhh yeah, that’s the stuff! He’s still my favorite NFL player who doesn’t want to be in the NFL.

— The Bills score a defensive TD on a scoop-and-score to take the lead in Atlanta. It’s a questionable call: it could or maybe even should have been ruled a forward pass, but there hasn’t been much about this game that suggests the Falcons should be winning anyway.

— Will Fuller scores on 10-yard fade, his second TD. hey, welcome back, Will Fuller! I remember being excited about Fuller’s career after he opened it with back-to-back 100-yard games. And then: BROCKED. He spent the rest of 2016 in the same barren wilds as DeAndre Hopkins, running fruitless routes as Osweiler checked down to C.J. Fiedorowicz and Ryan Griffin underneath. I hope Fuller and Hopkins score 20 touchdowns apiece this season. They deserve it.

P.S. Deshaun Watson was the top-ranked quarterback in the draft according to ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Pro Football Focus, and (of course) SB Nation. He was the third selected. The two quarterbacks taken ahead of him have thrown a combined zero passes this season. Try to remember this when the Lamar Jackson smear campaign starts next spring.

— Dalvin Cook grabs his left knee mid-play and fumbles. NOOOOOOO my dear sweet Dalvin! That’s an ACL tear. No need to wait for the reports, that’s as obvious as can be. The Vikings have a 7-6 lead, 25 minutes to play, and Case Keenum at quarterback. I am etching VIKINGS LOSE in my stone tablet.

Elsewhere, Marcus Mariota is out with a hamstring injury, and Julio Jones is out with a hip injury (the Falcons have also lost Mohamed Sanu). No one can have any fun things.

— The Bills appear to be leaning on the run:

11-minute field goal drive by Buffalo. I didn't enjoy it, but it was beautiful

— jason (@JasonKirkSBN) October 1, 2017

— On first-and-goal in Foxborough, Cam Newton keeps a read-option and barrels into the end zone. The Panthers are up two touchdowns in New England with 13 minutes to play, and the Pats defense looks like butt.

The Patriots have allowed the opposing QB to throw for 300+ pass yards in all 4 games this season. They had 3 such games all of last season

— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) October 1, 2017

CORRECTION: The Pats defense IS butt.

— Our dog is giving my wife and I the nervous look that tells us she has to pee. My wife volunteers to take her for a walk, but says, “I’m wearing short-shorts.” Our son is sleeping in our room, so she has no access to warmer pants.

“I cannot help you,” I say, assuming she can be cold for a minute.

“You can give me your pants,” she says. I weigh nearly one-and-half times what she does; my canvas pants seem unlikely to fit.

But I know which battles to fight in marriage, and this hand is an easy fold. Off go my pants. She puts them on. “Do I look like a man?” she asks.

“The important thing is that you’ll be warm,” is the thing I should have said.

— Todd Gurley splits out wide and catches a slant, then looks like Sammy Watkins as he races past the defense. The touchdown gives the Rams the lead, 26-24.

— (*spins Wheel of Misfortune*) C’monnn, Jets! Show me Jets! (*wheel lands on JETS*)

.@MYLESJACK. WOW. 82-yard fumble return TD! #JAXvsNYJ http://pic.twitter.com/MBo9v9P0T8

— NFL (@NFL) October 1, 2017

— Watch out, world! Matt Cassel is here to bring the Titans back! ... down to Earth. Or perhaps a little lower than that. His second interception in seven throws is a pick-six. It’s 54-14, Texans.

Is it still political to suggest that perhaps an NFL team should employ Colin Kaepernick?

— The endings of the early games happen in a flurry just as my children wake up, and it’s goddamn pandemonium in my home. This is merely a summary:

The Falcons choke twice and lose.

The Vikings pretend to have a chance, but they never did.

The Cowboys can’t keep up with the Rams’ furious field goal kicking. Greg Zuerlein finishes with seven FGs and the Cowboys fall, 35-30.

Tom Brady leads the Pats on a comeback to tie the game, but the Panthers kick a game-winning field goal as time expires. The Bills lead the AFC East. The Pats are tied with the Jets. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

LATE GAMES, FIRST HALF

— This week in Marshawn Lynch:

Raiders RB Marshawn Lynch wearing an "Everybody vs Trump" T-shirt: http://pic.twitter.com/7aiCUbjLUD

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) October 1, 2017

This Marshawn Lynch and Kevin Durant mural in Oakland is amazing ( : jc.ro / Instagram) http://pic.twitter.com/VIcPdIPqdq

— SB Nation (@SBNation) October 1, 2017

— The chaos of the post-nap toddler rodeo is tamped down by breadsticks and hummus. When in doubt, feed the children.

— All of the early games are over except Jaguars-Jets:

We have OVERTIME! #JAXvsNYJ

— NFL (@NFL) October 1, 2017

I assume the NFL is trying to convey excitement, but it makes more sense if you read that as an urgent public warning. “EVERYBODY! Calmly and quickly move to the exits. This game is going to OVERTIME!”

— Mike Evans scores a touchdown to post the Bucs to an early 7-0 over the Giants in Tampa, where it is 92 degrees and raining on the first day of October. NEVER TAMPA.

— Chili time! It’s only a little after 4:00 — nowhere close to dinner time — but I didn’t eat lunch. Come to think of it, did I even eat breakfast? I take stock of the food I’ve eaten today, and 100% of my food intake is scraps that my children didn’t finish. No wonder I’m running on empty. I fill a ramekin with chili (a full bowl would ruin dinner!) and top it with cheese.

— The Jets win. Whoop-dee-doo. I maintain that we should have sent both teams home with a tie and spared everyone the thrill of extra Josh McCown.

— Some Bronco named Derby makes a spectacular one-handed catch on the sideline for a touchdown.

Easily the best play of the day so far, and it was made by someone I’ve never heard of until today. It’s been a while since Peyton Manning made fantasy owners know every tight end on the Bronco depth chart.

— I put my daughter’s hair in a ponytail, then secure the stray hair that falls into her face with a bow. I couldn’t do this a month ago. I’ve had short hair all my life; making a ponytail was an entirely new life skill.

And before you laugh: yes, I technically knew how to make one. But knowing how and actually doing it are two very different things. Like, I know how to make that one-handed catch that Derby made, but I couldn’t attempt it without falling on my face and/or suffering several pulled muscles. Same thing with giving a toddler a ponytail: pull one little hair, and you’ve got tears, screaming, and no second chance.

— It’s 4:51 and MAYBE I’m having a second ramekin of chili. ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME.

— Tyrell Williams scores on a 75-yard bomb from Philip Rivers. I love to joke about Rivers’ floaty passes, but that was a perfect bomb.

— 5:12 p.m.: The second ramekin of chili was a mistake. I can barely keep my eyes open.

The kids don’t get chili, by the way. This is partly because neither is potty-trained, and I don’t want to deal with the diapers. But it’s also because my daughter says, “Too spicy!” even though I didn’t add the habanero that gives the chili the heat I like it to have SPECIFICALLY so she could try it. Parenting: Enjoy everything you love just a little less.™

— Eli Manning scrambles for a touchdown from 14 yards out, his first rushing TD since 2014. He now leads the Giants in rushing scores. He had -9 rushing yards all last season.

The Giants are down 13-10 now, but whatever the final score ends up being, the Bucs lose.

— After two near-turnovers on one drive, Carson Palmer is sacked on third down, forcing a punt. He looks terrible. Cards trail 6-3 late in the first half. The less I say about this game, the better. (The only other note I have from this half is “Hoyer armpunt.”)

— SO SLEEPY.

LATE GAMES, SECOND HALF

— Halftime of the late games coincides nicely with my kids’ bath time, so I chase my daughter around the apartment while she yells “NAKED KID IN THE HOUSE” before I can finally get her in the tub. And for once, my kids actually deign to (A) sit down in the tub and (B) bathe together without fighting. My daughter puts bubbles on her little brother (“I’m giving him a bubble tank top!”), then wraps a plastic T-Rex in a wash cloth to keep him warm. Reptiles ARE cold-blooded, you know.

— I’m relieved there’s no Seahawks game until tonight. I don’t know how it usually reads in the column, but trying to watch your dumb stupid moron team protect its excellent quarterback by diving onto the ground while you try to guide your children through dinner, baths, and a calm period before bedtime is goddamn RUINOUS for my nerves. Banish the Seahawks to Monday Night Football every week, I say.

Unfortunately, the Niners lead the Cards 9-6 and this game looks EXTREMELY like the usual Seahawks bullshit. Yes, technically, this is NFC West bullshit, but we know who patient zero is.

— Every announcer calls Eli Manning “Eli.” So annoying. Did he send you a Christmas card? No? Then call him “Manning” like a professional. He’s not your best friend. He’s not your little brother. He’s a paste-eating 36-year-old who’s got one wish left from the genie.

Related: the Bucs are losing 17-16 at the end of the third quarter. How can you lose to this Giants team? Oh right, make Eli Manning look like Marcus Mariota.

— I read my son Boats Go while Denver kicks a field goal to go up 13-7. It’s a great board book for young toddlers: it’s just a bunch of different kinds of boats that you make the sounds for. My son, who typically jumps out of my lap to go crash through a wall three pages into any book, laughs and claps throughout.

There are other books in the series — Trains Go, Planes Go, Cars Go, etc — but the boats are where it’s at. Every train sounds the same, don’t try to sell me lies.

— My RedZone picture keeps freezing, sometimes for minutes at a time. From what I can tell, Khalil Mack is the only Raider on defense.

— My daughter is finally out of the bath after 30 minutes. “My hands are wrink-a-dee,” she says, and I don’t want to correct her. Kids saying things wrong is one of my favorite little things about being a parent. She calls triangles “tri-ang-guh-rulls,” and the extra syllable reminds me of Homer Simpson saying “saxomophone.”

— The backlash to Tony Romo has already begun, and it’s too much for even a cynical and weary internet traveler like myself.

Listening to Tony Romo is like getting puppies thrown at you with ever-increasing velocity

— Jay Busbee (@jaybusbee) October 1, 2017

He’s still great! I’m amazed that people can love a guy in Week 1 and turn on him by Week 4. Y’all are never gonna have a successful marriage.

— I click to CBS for Romo’s call of OAK-DEN because my RedZone has been frozen for too long, then back and forth between the two network games (the other is TB-NYG), like some kind of prole. Ugh.

— Mike Evans with a drop on first-and-10 at the slightest bit of contact. Now, I love Evans. He has no good comparison in the NFL: He’s totally unique in his size and ability in the red zone, but man, his floor is Kenny Britt.

Ben McAdoo challenges the play (he thinks it’s a fumble), but of course he loses the challenge and a timeout. McAdoo’s entire vibe is “gym teacher going through a divorce,” but he’d still win a custody hearing before a coach’s challenge.

That drop leads to the Bucs going for it on fourth-and-two, and the pass to Cameron Brate falls incomplete.

The best 4th down throw the Bucs have is a slant to a TE who isn't OJ Howard?? I'm selling my Bucs stock.

— Geoff Schwartz (@geoffschwartz) October 1, 2017

— Derek Carr out with a back injury, and Oakland is down 16-7 in Denver. Enter E.J. Manuel. This game is over.

— The ticker says 49ers-Cardinals is 12-12. Iowa-ass game.

— While I was putting the kids to bed, the Giants took the lead in Tampa. But I’m back for Nick Folk’s game-winning field goal from 34 yards out. Bucs win! Giants cover!

— OF COURSE the 49ers and Cardinals are going to overtime. Each team has scored one field goal per quarter so far, let’s kick some more field goals and call it a tie.

I am dead serious: I reject the entire notion of regular-season overtime. Y’all played 60 minutes of skullsmash and ended up with the same amount of points? Congratulations, that’s a tie, we’ll see you again next week.

Like, we have super-computers that can figure ties into playoff seeding and draft position; why do people get so mad about ties? “DURRRR it’s like kissing your sister!” No it’s not. Two teams finishing a game with the same number of points is nothing like incestuous foreplay. Let them play overtime in the playoffs, when the games NEED to have a winner.

Anyway, with the Niners leading 15-12, Larry Fitzgerald scores a last-minute touchdown for the Cardinals to win the game. Some people will use this to celebrate overtime’s existence, but I don’t think the ends justify the means. Overtime still blows.

I’m having another bowl of chili.