#it’s been frozen bc I have been paralyzed by edits

[nathank77]

4/25/24

2:43 p.m edited/added to 2:49 p.m

I started crying in my sleep. It was somniloquy again.

Instead of sleep talking. I started crying and saying, "Nala, she's dead," and freaking out. I woke up crying at 9 a.m.

I had a I guess night terror where I brought Nala to a party. I went with someone I have no idea who. And we went to leave and there were a a bunch of animals. Like hamsters and cats and pigs. I was drunk and I had to drive cats kept walking by my legs. And there was some kind of weird animal human hybrid I was running from and it kept biting my back and it was like stop moving I cover my lips with my teeth if you don't struggle.

And I eventually did and it felt a lot less painful and then I got up and went into the car. I tried to leave but I was too drunk and I backed my car into someone breaking his arm and almost rolled my car off a cliff.

I stopped the car. And hung out with the weird human hybrid and some friends.

Nala was in my arms and I guess the cops came and I ran and kinda tossed nala (I was laying on the ground) I didn't really toss her but I was like she's a dog and she won't get in trouble and I got to get out, and idk what the word was but let go of her and ran..

I hid in the house, slowly realizing I was of age and I wasn't doing anything illegal other than for the fact that I broke that kids arm and I crashed that car up really badly and I realized I left nala outside in the snow.

I went out with my friend to go get her and I found her, and she looked dead. Like a dead stuffed animal she was stiff. Not actually frozen from the snow.

And I started crying in the dream and my friend knew I couldn't touch her so she touched her, and she started to move a little then my friend touched her again and she like came to life.

The sight of her stiff like that made me actually start crying when I was sleeping like vocally crying. Sleep crying.

She also looked like keeki a little but she was nala she was a short haired chihuahua and kinda shape shifted for a second to look like keeki.

It was symbolic of a few things, I think:

1) her last few nights I didn't pay much attention to her.

2) I never really coped with her death and it was traumatizing having her die right next to me. And her looking like keeki how both deaths fucked me up bc they both died next to me.

3) I didn't touch nala with my hands while she was laying next to me and while she was dying... bc of my ocd.

4) I didn't feel like I could help her, bc in real life, poverty. She died in pain. I guess that was shown through trying to leaving while drunk.

All I know is it was pure somniloquym. I actually was crying, and saying "Nala, she's dead." And I guess thats a symptom of PTSD waking up crying. Talking while sleeping, crying while sleeping.

It was really hard to fall back to sleep after that. Cause I cried a little once I woke up. I want to cry now typing this. It was so vivid. I can still see her in the snow, looking dead, and my friend poking her and seeing her nose move a little. And then her get poked again and her recovering. I can still see her shape shift to keeki briefly.

I had only been asleep for 2 hours at that point. And I can't believe I was crying in my sleep.

I'm really fucked up. I was never like this before psychosis. I can't imagine what Elise sees in me now. I can't imagine how someone can deal with me when I start crying when I'm sleeping. And wake up in tears potentially screaming Nala.

somniloquy- talking while sleeping/crying while sleeping. When my muscles are supposed to be paralyzed from sleeping.

[mallowstep]

what does ibtwicm stand for?

Holy fuck it’s been too long since I’ve updated this one. That’s why I’m doing it tonight.

[zozophoenixxx]

Serotonin Booster :D🐉

How to train your dragon edition

Here are some things I had forgotten or little details I just noticed on my rewatch, maybe even Unpopular Opinions 🤭👀

✨Defenders of Berk✨

Not Astrid being pissed bc Fishlegs called her mean lmaooo

OMGGG "I would never call my father ridiculous. I'm calling my chief ridiculous" THE POWER OF THIS SCENE

The way Toothless just sat to look at the sunset.. Me too bby me too 🥺

Toothless and Thornado's shots combined was amazing!

"The first rule about the dragon flight club is that there is no dragon flight club"

Istg Meatlug and Fishlegs are made for each other

Baby whispering deaths!

OMG THEY JUST CAME UP WITH GRONCKLE IRON

I love seeing the origin of things ☺️

Wowww I just realized that Gobber has a unibrow

Sandstone makes glass

That shiny black rock makes another shiny black Rock, it also has Meatlug boiling

WOW a combination of multiple rock makes Meatlug a magnet

The way Hookfang pays more attention to Fishlegs than Snotlout is funny

Fishlegs on Toothless!!!!

"TOO MUCH FURY, TOO MUCH FURY!" JAHDHDHAH

Awwww love how Fishlegs feels happy abt being needed

DAGUR'S BACK AHH

I never understood why Dagur called Hiccup his brother but it's kinda funny

Young hiccup actually fighting is pretty badass and that shield 🥴

The way they were all trying to get Gobber to shower lmaooo

Gobber saved Gustav's life and Fishleg saved Astrid's

Am I the only one that finds the whispering deaths kinda funny, like yes they're scary but these mfs have tiny wings, a big ass head, are covered in spines and can't see like-

Newly hatched whispering deaths can be more deadly that adults bc they can't control their jaws or spines

WOW WOW WOWWWW A WHITE WHISPERING DEATH - Titanwing whispering death with red eyes OMG NO NO THIS IS THE SCREAMING DEATH I KNEW IT ‼️‼️

Wow but the pain in Snotlout's eyes 🥺

Monstrous nightmares are stoker-class dragons

Fireworms get brighter the closer they get to each other

Ohhhhh now I get the history behind Hookfang and the fireworms queen's connection

"You're not just another sword, Hookfang"

Awww the fireworm queen saved Hookfang, I ship them now JSHDHSHS

BABY ASTRID!! 🥺🥺🥺 AWWW

Flightmare - follows the glowing algae caused by Aurvandil's fire, sprays a paralyzing mist to those who it considers a threat to its survival

Aurvandil's fire = Aurora Borealis

YES ASTRID BEAT SNOTLOUT UP

Hiccup: Well, you know, Astrid, uh, training dragons isn't the only thing I think about.

Astrid: Are you actually saying that to me with a straight face?

JAHSHAHAJAJ I SWEAR I LOVE THESE TWO the way both of them said these lines I can't ✋🏼😂

The way she said the exact same thing as her uncle and even took on the name I-

I have this headcanon that bc I'm pretty sure Astrid's parents were barely mentioned in the shows or movies that her uncle was the person that was there for her the most which is another reason why it upset her to see people making fun of him

Why does whenever Astrid gets shot by a dragon she always tries to hit it off like her axe is a baseball bat? 😂

Hiccup saving Astrid in the flightmare ep🥺🥺🥺🥺

GLOWY TOOTHLESS AND GLOWY STORMFLY AND GLOWY MEATLUG ARE ADORABLE

Awww I love how Hiccup makes sure to mention the fact that "Fearless Fin Hofferson was indeed fearless, just like all the Hoffersons" 🥺🥺🥺 STOP AND THEN SHE SMILES AND HE PROCEEDS TO PUT HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER I-🥴🥴🥴

I love how they're always interrupted whenever they're about to say a bad word

Lil terrible terrors are adorable 🥺

The fact that what they were trained for was actually useful it's crazy

Astrid: "no one is kissing me on the lips ever!!" HHSHAHAH ASTRID WHY U LYING

I feel like we don't appreciate how smart Hiccup actually is, and I don't mean that dragon-wise or building stuff-wise I mean in general. I'm in ep9 and they're finding old dragon traps to get rid of them and there was a lil breeze and he was like "there's a dry hot wind coming in from the north. It hasn't rained in 2 months. This is definitely fire weather." like how- am I the only one that would've been like okok a nice warm breeze 😩

Dude the typhoomerangs are so scary and huge wtf

I KNEW HE WAS TORCH

Torch actually built a lil relationship with Tuff just for that but of time I love it

WE'RE FINALLY GONNA SEE THE SKRILL!! I love it it's one of my favorite dragons :D

I never understood why fishlegs says his name when he's excited

Skrills - The skrill was first found frozen, it's the symbol of the Berserkers, it can stay safely frozen for decades because of their internal body temperature, can't redirect any lightning if it's in the water 😳

Y'all the skrill and the nightfury have gotta be related somehow, they're probably like cousins or sum. I mean the night fury is the "unholy offspring of lighting and death" and the skrill can control lightning AND TECHNICALLY TOOTHLESS CAN TOO REMEMBER HTTYD 3 + they also have similar physical characteristics at least Imo.

Dude this dragon is so badass 😌🤩🥰😩🥴❣️🤍🤝 I'm literally so obsessed

Wow one of the first times I see the twins actually doing sum useful

The way the shots combine🥴

Dagur has misophonia - condition where people experience intense negative emotions for sounds such as eating, chewing, loud breathing or even repeated pen-clicking [ep11]

Oh wow so they originally trapped the skrill in this show i didn't know

Wait but baby Gustav is actually adorable wtf and the fact that he and Snotlout have matching Viking hats

OMG SEE NOW I'M SEEING GUSTAV'S ORIGIN WITH HIS DRAGON AND HIS DESIRE TO BECOME A RIDER

Fanghook🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Ruff puts fish oil on her hair to get "a greasy unwashed look"

Really hate when Snotlout doesn't accept no for an answer

THE HAND THING AHHHH I LOVE IT this time is Ruff and a scauldron

Ok guys so I did this with mi friend's puppy who I accidentally scared enough to make him piss himself and I'm pretty sure I traumatized him and now when I'm around the poor dog tries to get as far away from me as possible but one day we were kinda bonding although he still wouldn't let me pet it AND I DID THE HAND THING BECAUSE WHY NOT AND THIS LIL MF ACTUALLY PUTS HIS FACE IN MY HAND- I screamed and he left again🥺😂 BUT IT DID WORK

Scauldy🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰😌☺️🤩🤍

Ok but ruffnut with short hair 🤩

Speedstingers

Also the way Astrid ran up to Hiccup in the ep14

Wait but the scene whenever they're fighting the Speedstingers and Fishlegs says they're too fast but Hiccup's like "not for a nightfury" and then they show Toothless dodging the Speedstinger's attack AND THEN THEY SHOW HICCUP PROTECTING HIMSELF WITH HIS SHIELD WHICH GETS THROWN AWAY BUT RIGHT THERE TOOTHLESS CATCHES IT AND THROWS IT BACK TO HICCUP who's like "Thanks bud" 🤩🤩🤩 literally so badass go watch it!! It's ep14 frozen min 17:40

I really liked the relationship Snotlout and Astrid created with each other's dragon 🥺

HOOKFANG'S WINGBLAST AND STORMFLY'S SINGLE-SPINESHOT ARE HELLA BADASS... I love how they worked together this time 🥺

DUDE JAHDHSJAJJJSA ppl really underestimate Ruff's cleverness, this bish really gets Tuff to do the dumbest things just to enjoy looking at him hurting himself JAHDHSJAH😂

TOOTHLESS REALLY JUST BIT AN EEL'S HEAD OFF TO SAVE HICCUP🥺

Baby toothless is high🥺

"Uh, okay. That one was a little close to the one good leg" JAHDHAHSHA ISTG I LOVE THIS DUDE

Johan hates Snotlout for breaking his stuff

Tuff got Macey the Mace from Trader Johan

Astrid looks hot without her shoulder pads

Ok but Dagur looks so weird without his viking hat in this show

The baby thunderdrums are adorable - BING BAM AND BOOM

NOOO STOICK JUST LEFT THORNADO 🥺

OHHH SO ALVIN WAS ACTUALLY FROM BERK and he was Stoick's best friend

Snotlout and Hiccup are parallels of Alvin and Stoick

Ok but that trick Snotlout did was amazing, he really had Hookfang do a lil typhoomerangs move and then the wingblast🤩

I FINISHED IT OMG NOW ONTO RTTE!!

[mysticmikalla]

I GOT A HEADCANON FOR GODMIKALLA: The RFA’s reaction to Yoosung commiting suicide

*TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, SELF HARM*

Yall i could barely write this bc my vision was blurry with tears, there was a lump in my throat all throughout writing and editing this but I hope you all enjoy it, and please don’t read if if you feel it might trigger you!

Now there is  a gaping whole in my chest so deep, someone please recommend me some Yoosung fluff so I can get over this pain

***

They were too late.

By the time Seven found him, his pulse was barely there and his last breaths were being taken. The white tile of the bathroom floor was now painted red with tears, blood and water.

The image of his friend’s stained and lifeless body, face frozen with pain and despair was Seven’s new haunting. The hacker had gone to check on him after a day of inactivity from the blond boy, and what he found was enough to shake their little organization forever.

Saeyoung was powerless and he felt his friend’s life dripping out of him by the wrists

“No, no, no, no,” He rushed towards his body, ripping a piece of his shirt and tightening it around his bleeding wrists, hoping to stop the oozing of warm, red liquid, “What did you do?! Yoosung, wake up. Please wake up!” He pleaded, but the body in his arms was unresponsive.

He broke every single traffic rule by rushing him to the hospital, but by the time he got there, Yoosung Kim was no more.

The news of his death spread like wildfire through the RFA. Saeyoung Choi had no memory of typing the words with shaky hand in the chatroom, his mind switching to automatic mode as the shock of what had just happened paralyzed him.

He was able to take in the member’s expression as they arrived one by one in the hospital, one more horrified than the other.

The first one to arrive was Zen, followed closely by V, and then Jaehee and Jumin, who arrived together.

Please let this be a prank. Please let this be one of Seven’s horrible pranks. Please.

No matter how much they silently prayed, the cooling body of their friend on the hospital bed was no prank. As the RFA gathered around in the lobby, trying to make sense of what happened, why it had happened, they all felt a deep emptiness as the space the gamer usually took up beside Seven was empty. There was one too few members, the sight of Yoosung’s usually colorful attire and bleached hair nowhere to be seen.

The organization wasn’t complete anymore, and it would never be again.

The silver-haired man had a lump so big in his throat, he could barely speak. The actor had never know greater pain than this, than losing one of his closest friends.

Memories of all the times he spent with him burned a whole in his mind. Memories that were supposed to be cheerful ones were now forever tainted. All the times Yoosung had looked up to him, the nights he would come to Zen for advice and they would end up getting drunk together slowly tortured him. The realization that he would never get to scold him, laugh and joke with him, eat his horrible-but improving- food finally sunk in, and Zen realized he had just lost his little brother.

The sight of him breaking down right there in the middle of the busy lobby was what triggered the rest of their reactions. Jaehee clamped her hands over her mouth in disbelief, shoulders shaking lightly as she sobbed. V felt his knees growing weak, and had to lean on Jumin for both physical and emotional support. But Jumin wasn’t doing any better. No matter how much he searched, he could not find the right words to say. There were no right words.

Seven just stood there, hands trembling and mind blank. Images of Yoosung’s dimpled smile and the last expression of pain he ever wore tortuously clashing in his mind, and he wanted nothing more than for his mind to stop. He needed it to stop.

As soon as she got home, and for weeks after, Jaehee frantically reread previous chat logs from when the boy was still alive. She was horrified with herself as she read all the things she had said to him, how she ignored Zen and Seven’s constant teasing of him and said some harsh things she thought to be true at the time. Had this been it? Was it because of the things they mindlessly said to him? Was it because of her constant comparison to Zen that felt he wasn’t good enough?

The guilt she felt was tremendous, and for days she shook with sobs, the absence of the blond boy being much greater than she could have possibly imagined. They had never been too close, Jaehee and him, and yet he was always there, cheering her on during her endless work hours. Even though he was innocent and naive, Jaehee found comfort in his late night words as he played LOLOL and she worked.

Yoosung, please come back. I promise I’ll be better to you. Please come back, please…

But it was no use pleading, which made it all the more frustrating.

His death hadn’t really sunk in for Jumin until after the funeral. All  of his family and the RFA members gathered, with the exception of the redhead. Everyone mourned the loss of the once bright and lively Yoosung, who’s last moments and words would forever remain unknown.

It would take months, no, years for the businessman to stop thinking about his old friend daily. Logically, he knew that there was nothing he could have done. He knew that suicide and mental illnesses such as depression went beyond his comprehension, but he couldn’t help himself from wondering.

Was there anything I could have done? Perhaps if I had been more persistent with that internship or made him a better offer, he wouldn’t have felt the need to do what he did?

Maybe the just needed something to look forward to?

Jumin’s memory was sharp, and he could recall all the times Yoosung whined about being feeling helpless, how he could never succeed and have the life Jumin had.

And it clicked for him then. Yoosung wasn’t whining, he was crying for help. All those times he talked about how he hated the life he had, that he wasn’t good enough or motivated enough to do anything, he wasn’t whining. He was seeking help from them, wanting desperately for someone to come for him. But nobody came. Nobody was there to support him.

And now he was gone.

Nobody saw Jumin’s tears. He made sure to mourn for his friend in the privacy of his home. He attempted to use work as an escape from those painful thoughts, but his mind kept wandering back to the blond.

“Help me… help me. Why couldn’t you help me, Jumin? Why weren’t you there when I needed all of you?”

V’s mind worked similarly with his friend’s. But as an old habit of his, Jihyun dug up every conversation, call, texts and interactions the two had ever shared and found fault in them, and found fault in himself. The mint-haired man could not sleep for weeks. The second he closed his eyes, he would see him. He would notice all the things he couldn’t before; how empty his eyes were, how forced his smile seemed. He appeared to have lost some weight and it was evident wouldn’t really go out anymore, just lock himself up in the solitude of his home.

Yoosung’s long sleeve shirts and sweater during the summer should have been indication enough.

He should have known. He should have fucking seen his pain! Jihyun should have been there for him, supported him instead of just brushing over the boy’s pain. The warning signs were there, they were written all over the chatroom and his expressions.

How could he have missed it? How could he have been so selfish and not cared about those close to him enough to save them? How could he fail everyone he loved?

“V,” Jumin would try to sound as collected as possible for his friend, but his own guilt was heavy in his voice, “You know it isn’t your fault.”

Jihyun would nod at his words, but not listen. It didn’t matter how much he blamed himself or not, Yoosung was not coming back.

Seven only visited his grave months after his death. He had seen his cold and lifeless eyes, he had picked his limp body up and felt his pulse disappear, but Saeyoung would not accept what had happened. He had known Yoosung for years, and there was just no way he could accept that he was longer there.

It couldn’t be? Suicide? Impossible. Yoosung would never…He wouldn’t…He can’t have…!

But he did.

The truth tormented the hacker with a million knives to his heart whenever he thought of him. He tried to imagine his last thoughts. How much pain did someone have to be in to go through with that?, he wondered.

Yoosung always had such soft and smooth skin, and he hated getting hurt. Did he suffer a lot as the razor made contact with his skin?

Was he scared? Oh, God, he was scared, the poor boy was terrified. He was so scared and alone, and his cries wouldn’t reach anybody’s ears.

“He was alone,” He sobbed, kneeling in front of his grave, the rock that settled in his chest getting heavier and heavier with each passing second, “He was alone…You were alone…I’m sorry, Yoosung, I’m sorry. Please come back. I’m so fucking sorry.”

For weeks the RFA chatroom was quiet. Nobody wanted to disturb the logs, the only thing Yoosung’s death hadn’t reached. In those logs, he was still alive and smiling.

The first few days after his death, everyone was pointlessly hoping to see the familiar Yoosung has entered the chatroom, but it never came. It would never come again.

His emojis and texting style were now abandoned, but Seven refused to get rid of them. He refused to remove his old account from the app.

“He’s still part of the RFA,” He insisted with a shaky voice as he took a break in between sobs, “He’ll always be a part of the RFA, I can’t remove him, I can’t…He needs to be able to log in when he comes back.”

Jaehee held back tears as she saw her friend start to fall apart, “Luciel…He’s not-He’s not coming back.”

“He is! I know he he. He wouldn’t leave us-” His words were swallowed by a violent sob erupting from his throat, “He wouldn’t leave us without saying goodbye.”

There was no note, no nothing.

The last thing Yoosung had ever said in the chatroom was a, “I’ll be going now!”, and they couldn’t help but wonder…was this it? Had he already decided do leave this world when typed those words?

Yoosung hadn’t even said goodbye to his friend in LOLOL. He just logged out one day without a word and never came back, leaving his friends to wonder what happened to Superman Yoosung.

They would never know that he was found dead in his bathtub mere hours later.

And perhaps it was better that they didn’t know. They could forever remember him as the happy-go-lucky Yoosung, always positive and supportive of everyone.

And that happy-go-lucky boy would never smile again. He’d never share his jokes and thoughts with anyone, he’d never get to experience the joys that came with the inevitable hardships of adulthood. He would never have his first kiss or a first love, and Yoosung would never get married. He never got to travel the world and see new things like he wanted to.

His life was cut too short, his sadness burying him so deep, nobody could reach him anymore.

What pained his loved one the most was just that fact. If only he held on a little longer, if only they paid more attention to him, if only they hadn’t said certain things…He could have had it all. He could have made it through those tough times and reached the good ones, the happy times.

If, if, if…

Their most despised word. The word that haunted and drove them to the brink of madness with those endless thoughts of unexplored possibilities of an alternate universe.

But the truth still remained the same;

Yoosung was gone. There were no if’s about it.

***Hey guys so another lil author’s note here. This was by far the heaviest thing I’ve ever written, it hit so close to home. And I hate the thought that there are probably some of you who feel the same way or have these same thoughts and I would be beyond heartbroken if you guys don’t get the help of support you need!

So I’ll link some hotlines here that I found to be really helpful if you ever need to talk to someone or seek help. I know this is super cliché, but you are definitely not alone, and there are so many people who love you and would miss you if you were gone.

And it does get better. It really does, so even if you feel like the world is crushing you now, please just hang on a little longer. I promise it will get better.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433

Masterlist of other possible helplines you may need

Stay safe and smiling!!