#it’s an absolute banger. terrible character song but a huge bop

[gumy-shark]

i love applying revived by derivakat to characters in other fandoms. no fictional guy who has ever died before or ever gotten white in their hair is safe. and it’s always fun bc no matter how badly the song fits it will never be worse than its interpretation of the character it’s actually about

[teruthecreator]

2, 6, and 12 for the 3 songs asks?

hey, guess who forgot u sent this? i did! hgbrjbgjbrhg anyway so 

2. three last songs you listened to 

well the song i’m listening to rn as i write this is CHERRY BOMB by Tyler the Creator, off the album of the same name! fair warning, if you go to that link and you’re wearing headphones, it is advised you turn it Wayyyyyyyy down as this song will likely snipe ur eardrums if not. idk why i’ve recently become so obsessed w this bop, but it blends this like harsh, grating bass with these beautiful little soft moments and this like beat that just feels so Confrontational im just….hhhhh it’s Good. i recommend highly, i just suggest you turn it down. 

after that it’s THE BROWN STAINS OF DARKEESE LATIFAH PART 6-12 (Remix) by Tyler the Creator, off the Cherry Bomb album. i have No Idea what the title means, but this is just a hands-down bop and vibe. the beat is funky and like the little synth noises in the back are just interesting, and the cuts between the little bridges and the verses is so jarring but also it works?? idk i really like tyler, the creator,,, 

and the last one is Say So by Doja Cat off her most recent album Hot Pink! doja is just kinda iconic on her own, but this song is funky and has those sexy vibes she’s always going for, and i just fucks w it real hard man!! it slaps!! she’s also Incredibly Pretty so like yep yep uh huh ill listen to your music you are Very Pretty. also everyone thinks she says “hot and moaning” in one of the chorus lyrics, and i had to look on genius to check (it’s not, but you can hear that phrase if ur looking for it AND hear the actual lyric if ur looking for it. i found that very funny.) 

6. three songs you wish you could erase from history (because they’re terrible) 

can i be honest here??? can i sit down and just be real w yall?? i don’t think i’ve ever heard a song that’s, like, Objectively terrible. it might be because my scope is extremely limited (since i find my favorites and then just listen to those for the rest of Time), or because i can find musical merit in even genres i’m not an active fan of. but i don’t think any song i’ve ever heard i’ve ever been like “oh, this is Awful and should never exist!” like if someone tells me an album is bad, i tend to stay away from it anyway, so it’s not like i can have an opinion of it Myself (bc i trust my friends music tastes but that doesn’t necessarily mean the album shouldnt Exist). also i’ll watch anthony fantano’s reviews and sort of decide if something piques my interest and seems to have critical merit enough to check out, but most of the time i watch reviews for albums i’m already a Huge Fan of (coughcoughIGORcoughcough). but…yeah! i don’t have an answer for this one! 

12. three favourite songs from video games 

Fallen Down from Undertale by Toby Fox. hands down, this is The Best song on the entire soundtrack, and i will defend that to my dying days. if you want to be transported to the fondest, rustic, most tender and emotional memories of places you’ve never even Been To, you listen to this song. if you’ve never felt the gentle embrace of a parental figure after you’ve had a nightmare, you listen to this song. if you want to cry your eyes out over the time lost in your life already, you listen to this song. if you want to think of World’s Best Mom, Toriel Dreemurr, You Listen To This Song. i once had a full-on out of body Experience playing Minecraft and playing this song on loop. this song is fucking amazing, Megalovania can suck my whole ass 

SPEAKING OF SONGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU EMOTIONAL, BUT ALMOST IN THE ENTIRELY OPPOSITE (BUT NOT RLLY) SENSE, Vs. Susie from Deltarune by Toby Fox gives you the instinct to rock out but also Cry at the same exact fucking time!!! how does this man keep doing it!!! i think i might be a Little biased bc susie is my absolute favorite character from Deltarune (and maybe even the whole franchise, if im being honest), but just that crooning guitar rift towards the end is so telling of her emotional state during this point of the game and every time i replay deltarune i just have to let this song play out a couple times bc its Such a short scene. i really hope this theme comes back when the full game gets released, it is an absolute bop and a heart-puller. 

last but not least, my absolute favorite banger from a game series is…. ASSGORE (Fingerfückung) by BotanicSage, using the songs ASGORE and Bergentrückung from Undertale by Toby Fox. yes, i’ve linked the original song, not the MMD bc i feel like this video deserves more love (the orig. has like 100k views and the MMD has over a million Come On People). on a serious note, the Undertale songs he samples from are definitely up there on my favorites from Undertale, but paired with the extra samples and the lyrics?? this is just God Tier. and the fact that this song was made out of Pure Spite is just the cherry on top. i Live for spiteful art!!! i want more of it!!! it’s great!!! we need more Fingers In His Ass!! 

(also if you’re wondering why all my favorite game songs are from undertale…………fuck you thats why jgbhjrbghjhrgh) 

[juliaisabellphoto]

Music Journal #1: 2018 Albums of the Year

Thus far, I’ve dedicated this blog solely to my attempts at becoming a decent photographer, as well as some scattered descriptions of my travels. While I have no intention of making this blog absurdly personal or anything more than an artistic outlet, I’ve always had an itching to write about the music I find & listen to. So, without further ado, I’ll start with my favorite albums of the year (& a short summary of my thoughts on each)

1. Tash Sultana, Flow State

I stumbled upon this gem of a project late in 2018 when I was itching for an album to drown myself in. As soon as the first notes of “Seed (Intro)” blasted in my headphones, I knew I had chosen right. With a beautiful combination of melodic guitar riffs, biting electronic drum tracks, and silky, laid-back vocals, Sultana opens up a world for the listener to fall into. Listening to this album is startlingly similar to a dreamless night of sleep - one moment you feel as though you can discern the differences between tracks, and the next you’ve made it all the way to track eight without noticing. “Cigarettes” is certainly the vocal gem of the piece, with smooth R&B roots & a chorus that just won’t get out of your head. In stark contrast, “Blackbird” is a song of instrumental mastery. The vocals take a backdrop to the intense conversation (and at some points, argument) being had by Sultana’s competing guitar melodies. Sultana’s work on the guitar is often reminiscent of John Butler Trio & other acoustic greats, but the addition of their unique voice allows the album to take an entirely unique shape of its own. If I have one piece of advice for 2019, it’s to make time to sit and do nothing but listen to this album. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVDJ8O3lPBA

2. Ariana Grande, Sweetener

This was an obvious choice. Ari dropped the album we all needed to hear in 2018. With the artful ability to produce banging pop songs with real meaning, Grande has the makings of a star who will not stop shining for a long, long while. The album is brimming with girl power and independence while also being honest and genuine. The entrancing bass line and sexy confidence of “God is a woman” captured the attention of functionally everyone this year, and with good reason. The subsequent confessional “breathin” showed that even the most badass women have their struggles. Chronicling her fight with anxiety, the song provides a stunning anthem for holding your head up through hard times. If this album proves anything, it is that the new queen of pop has arrived and will be staying. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivwciGSLC-M

3. ASAP Rocky, TESTING

In this album, ASAP Rocky ascends to a whole new level of hip-hop greatness. When describing the project, he stated that it was ‘all about testing new sounds,” and that shows. The abrasive intro song, “Distorted Records,” sets the stage for a completely unique soundscape. This experimentation continues throughout the album with funky drum tracks and accompanying melodies, but ASAP Rocky’s clean vocal style provides a uniting constant. 

While most of this album is perfect for blasting on the highway with car windows down, one song stands out as an independent masterpiece. “Purity.” featuring Frank Ocean, stands in stark contrast to the air of invincibility found in the rest of the album. This song is vulnerable: an introspective discussion of intoxication-related demons laid over an artful sample of Lauryn Hill’s “I Gotta Find Peace of Mind.” This slow, heart-wrenching piece provides an end to the album that is completely antithetical to its beginning. The immense versatility shown in one album alone deserves to be at the top of any 2018 list.

4. Khruangbin, Con Todo El Mundo

If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that the best instrumental music has the ability to say more than any lyrics can. Khruangbin’s second album does just that: every song has a character and a storytelling emotion wrapped up in its funky bass lines. At times, the album floats along as life does (see “Como Me Quieres.) At others, for example in Maria Tambien, there is the feeling of being in the midst of some dramatic situation. The album instrumentally represents the  stages of individual thought (both active and passive) and it is completely enthralling. 

Fun fact: the track “August 10″ is the song “August 12″ from their first album, but played in reverse. They described it as a “connective tissue” between their first album and their second. Cool stuff!

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWLJeqLPfSU

5. Mitski, Be the Cowboy

I first listened to this album as I fell asleep on a plane ride, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The droning, climactic beauty of this album is best experienced on its own with nothing to distract but your own droopy eyes. The album starts off slow with “Geyser,” but quickly works its way up to the earth-shaking climax of “Pearl.” The album is filled with complex sonic peaks and valleys from there on out (try to find a melodic similarity between “Remember My Name” and “Come into the Water” - I date you.) The songs of this album feel like different chapters in a storybook, and that’s exactly how Mitski wanted it. When she described her intentions, she said that she wanted the album to feel like “the image of someone alone on a stage.” ‘Be the Cowboy’ cleverly achieves this - finishing the album feels like finishing a novel, including the disappointment at the lack of further content. 

6. Troye Sivan. Bloom

This pop album bursting with energy and emotion accesses the wonderful, terrible process of falling in and out of love. While I could talk for paragraphs upon paragraphs about the hours that I spent dancing in my kitchen to this album, that’s not the primary reason for this album’s place on my list. With ‘Bloom,’ Sivan produced one of the most emotionally versatile musical pieces of the year. When I discuss his songs with people, I am always struck by the differences in what they mean to each of us. Certainly, this variance in meaning is the nature of music - but Sivan pushes that to a new level. His songs are a vibrant and powerful normalization of gay expression, and provide the whole world with relatable songs to dance (and cry) to.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xCMF7jsDJI

7. J. Balvin, Vibras

There is only one thing that this album makes you want to do: dance. It is absolutely guaranteed that your hips will be moving by the end of song number two. The beats on this new album are hot and infectious, as shown by the popularity of “Mi Gente” in clubs everywhere. Reggaeton as a genre has gained massive popularity globally, and Balvin has jumped into this with new variations of the traditional Columbian style. Noticeable throughout the album are infusions of popular trap beats as well as salsa and electronic dance music (see “Machika.”) The album is undeniably sexy, y despues de escuchar todas personas quieren mas ;)

8. LP, Heart to Mouth

I read somewhere that this album was a “full-length heartbreaker.” As I progressed through each song, this description was confirmed ten times over. There is not a single song on this album that didn’t make me feel something real. In no particular order, LP represents the whirlwind of emotions that come with the end of a relationship: regret, pain, missing someone, liberation, strength. The entire conflicting mess is all there. Listen to ‘Recovery’ if you need a cry, and ‘Girls Go Wild’ if you need a therapeutic dance party. All I can do is feel thankful to have received this raw, empowering confessional. And of course, her stunning vocals don’t hurt one bit. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACWS4ajWdww

9. Mac Miller, Swimming 

Listening to this album in the wake of Mac’s death is haunting. His words cut deep, and they cut deeper after knowing the full extent of how he struggled. The themes of growth and healing are wrapped up in overwhelming melodies and Mac’s beautiful voice. The first track of the album, “Come Back to Earth,” sets the stage for the emotional rollercoaster that each track is bound to be. After this song, he launches into the groovy “Hurt Feelings” and begins to describe the intricacies of his hardships. This album is something you could easily bop around your kitchen table to (queue “What’s the Use?”), but if you listen too closely you might end up in tears. In this contemplative and instrumentally complex record, Mac’s last work was his strongest. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrR_gm6RqCo

10. Liz Brasher, Outcast EP

I first heard this EP on an episode of NPR’s “All Songs Considered” in the middle of a long drive up California Highway 5 (one that would’ve been torturous without the discovery of new music.) The song “Body of Mine” immediately caught my ear, and I dove into the rest of Brasher’s music as deeply as I could. Uncut garage-band sound is the overwhelming theme of the EP - “Body of Mine,” “Come My Way,” and “Outcast” make this crystal clear. Despite the quick assumptions that can be made about her sound, Brasher pulls complexity into the EP with the heart-wrenching ballads “Feel Something” and “Remain.” These two songs showcase the raw strength of her voice and the emotion that she can convey with it. I am excited to see what her music develops into as she gains more acclaim in the new year. Thanks again, NPR!

11. Travis Scott, ASTROWORLD

I haven’t been a huge Travis Scott fan in the past. I would passively listen to his music, but I never understood all the buzz about him. This album completely changed my mind. ASTROWORLD is a masterpiece in so many ways, and the amount of depth present in the album is mindblowing. While “STARGAZING” and “SICKO MODE” stand out as obvious party bangers, it’s no surprise that many fans are hooked on calmer tracks like “YOSEMITE” and “COFFEE BEAN.” If I were to describe the different musical styles employed on this album, I would truly be describing every song. Scott enters a new realm of production genius, giving club DJs exactly what they want while also producing the perfect songs for a chill night in smoking. He includes the autotuned party business he employed in past albums while also mixing in pure, clean cuts of his own voice. It was a pleasant surprise to hear an album from a trap artist with both diversity and widespread quality. Officially a Travis Scott fan. 

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enYt3dKXWkE

12. Christine and the Queens, Chris

I was also introduced to this album late in the year, and I’m glad I was because its energy was exactly what I needed. This half poppy half funky explosion of energy is what anyone needs to listen to on a down day. This album was her rebranding as Chris, an “affirmation of desire as a force of chaos” as she described in an interview with NPR. In both the album artwork and the record’s descriptions of love and identity, she plays with the fluidity of gender and its meaning in our modern era. This phenomenal record is an exercise in both shifting representations of desire and making you dance, and I’m so here for it.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjliweXTCYM

12. Kacey Musgraves. Golden Hour

This slow-rolling album is perfect for a slow day. When I initially saw this album on the top charts, I was confused - I had seen Musgraves live in 2014, I had heard “High Horse,” but what was SO special about her? It was only in taking a chunk of my day to sit and listen to this album that I caught the bug that everyone else seemed to already have. In this album, Musgraves develops into so much more of an artist than she has been in the past. She shifts from cookie-cutter radio country to a wonderfully sweet combination of cotton-candy pop and heartfelt Americana guitar riffs. Her message is positive, her lyrics are honest, and her sound is touching. I was most convinced by “Happy & Sad,” and I won’t deny that the song pulled tears out of my eyes. She conveys youthful happy energy while simultaneously acknowledging the uncertainty of that happiness, and we all needed it (even if we didn’t know it.) Plus, “High Horse” is a bop, and that’s that on that. 

13. BROCKHAMPTON, iridescence

After the expulsion of Ameer Vann from the group and the cancellation of a number of tour dates, many weren’t sure what to expect from Brockhampton in the coming weeks. The name of the upcoming album was changed, and presumably entirely new songs were recorded. Nevertheless, iridescence was received with intense anticipation from die-hard Brockhampton fans (myself among them.) The album fulfilled all hopes - with the first track, “NEW ORLEANS,” launching into an aggressive and high-energy beat, I couldn’t help but smile. Brockhampton did it yet again. The transitions between songs are seamless, and every song lends to the theatrics that they love to pull onstage. Much of the record feels like a high-speed formula one race, but the emotional “SAN MARCOS” pulls listeners into another dimension entirely. Hearing this song performed live was one of the more powerful moments of any concert I’ve ever seen - the outro was made to be passionately sung by a crowd, and it so was. And “TONYA” - wow. I could go on forever about this album.

14. Boygenius, boygenius

The cover art for this record is simple, and that simplicity shines through in its tracks. The collaboration of Julien Baker, Phoebe Bridgers, and Lucy Dacus in this project is pure magic. The music is calm, melodic, and easy to become entranced by. Their voices could lull me to sleep any day, and every song feels like it could play during the part of a movie when the protagonist stares out a car window in deep thought. Each song builds to an emotionally charged climax in exactly the tortured way that a listener would expect from these three artists. At this point, I’d be deeply sad if these three didn’t continue making music as a group. They are a gift.

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS48Lp34Zic

15. Kali Uchis, Isolation

Kali Uchis blooms in a real way in Isolation. Busting at the seams with sexy confidence, her psychedelic-funky R&B traversal of genres on this record is just perfect. Her uniquely smooth voice pulled over left-of-center beats lends itself to an album full of hits. “After the Storm” featuring Tyler the Creator gained quick popularity, and it is a good representative of the vibe that the rest of the album gives off. A laid back, sexual, happy piece of musical experimentation, Kali Uchis is here to play ball. 

16. Cardi B, Invasion of Privacy

With Invasion of Privacy, Cardi B burst onto the popular rap scene with no regrets. Every song exudes her bad bitch energy and reclaims the rap music tropes typically employed exclusively by men. While an incredible ancestry of female rappers came before her, Cardi B has broken the musical glass ceiling in a big way. She is the first female rapper to reach number one on the Billboard top 200 in over 20 years, has the most Billboard top 100 entries of any female artist in history, and many more. She is a true ‘rags-to-riches’ success story, and she’s here to tell us all about it. I’m listening.  

Must watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LPVjHxXvJM

17. Ryan Beatty, Boy in Jeans

I just saw an article titled “Ryan Beatty writes really good pop songs about boys.” This was a quite simplistic summary of what’s going on here, but it’s not wrong. Despite his vocals on Brockhampton’s “Bleach” and his frequent collaboration with the popular group, Beatty didn’t break out individually in the music scene until now. He certainly did so with this album, and he did it well. His slightly left-of-center pop featuring a voice with the consistency of caramel is exactly what everyone wants to hear. It’s the perfect music for a scenic car ride, and I’m obsessed.

18. The Decemberists, I’ll Be Your Girl

I’ve been a fan of the Decemberists for a long time, and I saw them at the Greek Theatre in Berkeley on their last tour. I would see them again in a heartbeat, and I will never get over the passion that goes into Colin Meloy’s vocal presentation. With the high-energy promotion of this album, I was expecting typical Decemberists greatness. What I got was something entirely different - greatness, but nothing typical. This electronically-infused record exposed a new side of the Decemberists that I am refreshed to hear. The addition of synth and an Arcade Fire type vibe suits them and the sort of rebranding they desired to achieve. With this album, the Decemberists evolved in a way they never have, and I applaud them for it. 

19. J. Cole, KOD

There are a number of people who love to hate on J. Cole, and I’ve never understood it. With this album in particular, J. Cole distinguished himself with both lyrics and production value. The album cover above depicts excessive drug use, and in fine print states “This album is in no way intended to glorify addiction.” This powerful message alone sets the stage for an album that means something. The subsequent subject matter of each of the record’s tracks follows this narrative - a description of being stuck in the ways of drug addiction. I have always appreciated J. Cole for his ability to tell a complete story through an album despite the lack of a chronological order or common plot in each song. The album shows the deterioration of a drug addict - from the high of “KOD” to  the contemplative pain of “Once an Addict (Interlude).” 

20. Kendrick Lamar, Black Panther the Album

Everything produced surrounding the Black Panther movie was a hit. The power of this movie and the contributors to this album is unparalleled. Aside from the clear message that this media sent, every song is phenomenal. “All the Stars” displays SZA’s ridiculous vocal prowess. “X” is the perfect hype song, displaying Kendrick’s sassy and innovative lyrical technique. In “The Ways,” Khalid’s sweet voice embodies the beauty of the powerful woman he describes. “I Am” by Jorja Smith absolutely knocks the album out of the park - this stunningly sexy track propelled her onto the music scene, and thank god it did. I’d listen forever if I could. I’d go on, but every song on this album is an iconic collaboration. 

Must watch: the movie.

21. Houndmouth, Golden Age

This album is so painfully underrated. If you want a pick me up, listen to Golden Age. Immediately. From the album’s floaty start to the explosive mood of the album’s namesake track, it’s all hits and no misses. Embracing a completely different musical tone from their last album, Houndmouth seizes a futuristic alt-rock cacophony as their new style. Taking nods from 80s Phil Collins numbers (the beginning of Strange Love... come on!), they take us back to a golden age of sorts while also propelling us to a fun future. I will never not dance my pants off to this album.

[fromtheringapron]

Ranking the Songs on Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II

I had so much fun last year ranking the songs on WWE Originals that I’ve decided to travel back time over 30 years ago to ranks the songs on Piledriver: The Wrestling Album II. The first Wrestling Album was one of Vince McMahon’s many attempts in the mid ‘80s to present the WWF as a circus the whole family could love. They had a Saturday morning cartoon so why not take things one step further with an album featuring the WWF superstars themselves? In many ways, it was also the natural result of their relationship with MTV. Amazingly though, requisite player Cyndi Lauper didn’t partake. Instead, it was a pretty mixed bag of some of the most iconic entrance themes of the era and songs that were quickly forgotten, probably rightly so.

The second Wrestling Album follows that same formula. However, if its predecessor felt like a one-note gimmick, the sequel feels much more in touch with the pop sensibilities of the day. In addition to featuring more songs that would go on to serve as the entrance themes for several of the superstars here, there are a couple of tracks that could’ve blended right in with ‘80s Top 40. Even if their partnership with MTV was over by the time of the sequel’s release, 8 of the 10 tracks here got music videos, all released on a hot Coliseum Video release. Yes, there are some duds. Oh, boy, are there duds! No music production where Vince McMahon is involved would be complete without them. And you bet I’m gonna cover and rank all of them. As always, songs are linked in each entry so without further ado, let’s get to it:

1 (best). “Demolition” by Rick Derringer: A head-banger’s ball of loud noise and Hell roaming the earth⏤that’s literally the best way to describe this and I don’t even think it makes a whole lot of sense. This isn’t just the best song on the album; this is one of the best entrance themes in history. It can’t be stated enough how much this raised the bar on what a wrestler’s theme song could be. It manages to perfectly capture the essence of Demolition, the tag team, whilst sounding like an actual demolition. It sounds like burning buildings and brick walls getting bulldozed over, demon spawn crawling out from under the heaps of rubble. You can hear the Motley Crues of the world shake in fear somewhere in the distance. The thing is, Derringer already had enough of an accomplished music career at the time that he didn’t need to partake in such a gimmicky album, let alone give the performance of a lifetime. He didn’t need to go to this hard but he totally did. What an act of generosity. Bless him.

2. “Jive Soul Bro” by Slick: There’s no doubt the Slick character was largely birthed out of Vince McMahon’s racism. There’s also no doubt this song is a byproduct of that. Even its title should tell you how well Vince understands black culture. So with all that going against it, it’s practically a miracle the performer and producers have created something this stellar. This is an endlessly listenable piece of old-school hip hop, featuring some dope ass Santana guitar. There are so many ways it could’ve gone wrong but if it were to take its cues from anything, I’m happy it’s “The Message” by Grandmaster Flash. The sound is, well, pretty slick and could sound fresh on a dozen songs. Slick may have be presented as a stereotype, but he brings a ton of personality to this track. I personally love the inclusion of the female vocals. “NO WAY YOU JIVE LITTLE MOUSE” is certainly a highlight. It feels like I’m just listing off the good things about it, but I’d like to think they all tie together to make the song fantastic. It could’ve been a one-note production; it opts to revel in the potential of a three-dimensional world where Slick is the central character.

3. “Piledriver” by Koko B. Ware: Okay, so this actually slaps. Koko is the one member of the WWF roster who could’ve made a little career in music out for himself. He’s got so much charisma in his voice that it’s kinda remarkable it didn’t take him anywhere outside of this album. He almost makes me forget about the Sesame Street-level lyrics to this which include but not limited to “First you think you’re so strong/ but something goes wrong/it feels like a big bad mistake.” Love is said to be like a piledriver, as I guess they needed to tie it all back into wrestling somehow. Luckily, Koko’s voice isn’t the only distraction we have from the lyrics. The production is unexpectedly badass. It has absolutely no right to go as hard as it does. They could’ve turned it into a schmaltzy ballad but, god bless us all, they chose to dress it up in a leather jacket and torn jeans. Maybe love does feel like a pile driver. I don’t know; I’m not an expert. But if this song is any indication, it does at least sound good hitting the mat.

4. “Honky Tonk Man” by The Honky Tonk Man: Come on, you can’t just have The Honky Tonk Man not have a song on the album. That would’ve been remembered as one of the biggest blown opportunities in the history of recorded music, I’m sure. Anyway, this is everything it should be. Matches the gimmick perfectly. It’s catchy but never lets us forget that HTM himself is a total dweeb. Then opening guitar is now the stuff infamy. When it played in the arena, the fans knew a real asshole was about to walk his way down to the ring. I’ve never been a huge fan of throwback music because it often comes off as tacky and totally misses the point of what its bygone era of music so great. There was a troubling time in American history where we allowed The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies to make a career out of that sort of thing. But since the whole point here is to be as tacky as possible, I’m totally okay with it. It’s audio proof that a bad Elvis impersonation can really work.

5. “Girls in Cars” by Robbie Dupree & Strike Force: This is the biggest slice of ‘80s cheese on the album, which is appropriate because Strike Force is one of the definitive squeaky clean babyface tag teams of the era. I’ve always found the presentation of Strike Force kinda weird. Tito Santana and Rick Martel as teen idols? When they’re clearly two thirtysomething dudes with spouses and children? What? Why? Sonically, this is no different than a billion other pop rock songs of the era. It’s kinda catchy, kinda sounds like Uncle Jesse from Full House getting his big break. Dupree actually boasts some impressive credentials, with a Grammy nom for Best New Artist under his belt. He also had a top 10 hit in “Steal Away” which I’m sure you can hear playing at a CVS near you. Sadly, none of this can distract me from the fact that it’s still a song for two married dudes who are going too hard to reenact their best high school days which makes the overall effect really, really awkward.

6. “Waking Up Alone” by Hillbilly Jim & Gertrude: If there were ever a more unexpected song, I’d like to here it. When I first listened to it, I thought I’d actually made a mistake. Did I accidentally listen to the wrong song? Of course I didn’t but, man, this is so frickin’ bizarre. Hillbilly’s “Don’t Go Messin’ With a Country Boy” from the first Wrestling Album is kind of a bop but if you came into this album expecting more of the same, you’d be dead wrong. In fact, a standard ‘80s adult contemporary ballad is one of the last things you’d expect. Perhaps even more of a shock is that this is actually, um, not bad?!? I can’t hate on an 80’s ballad that knows its way around synths and percussion. Hillbilly’s voice is largely what you’d expect, though not super terrible or anything. Gertrude is the real standout here. I’ll probably never know her real identity, but she’s such a welcome presence on an album filled with muscled dudes trying to be singers. How did this poor woman get roped into this project again?

7. “Crank It Up” by Jimmy Hart: Literally every wrestler in the ‘80s and ‘90s used this as their entrance theme at some point.  Yes, literally every wrestler. I’m convinced of it. Recent WWE Network discoveries show even The Rock used it in a pre-debut dark match. Its status as a relatively evergreen piece of music isn’t all that surprising though. It’s generic heavy metal that can fit a wide range of gimmicks. Unfortunately, this isn’t anywhere near as catchy as it thinks. Jimmy Hart obviously has the chops to make a recordable song, but the trade off here is one that’s blandly competent at best. It tries to answer the question: is Jimmy Hart a rock ’n’ roll badass? And the answer is, no, he’s not. It’s really jarring to hear him talk about picking up chicks in his car or some shit. I can’t buy Jimmy as anything other than an annoying little mouse. I mean, that’s what the WWF wanted us to believe, right? This would be fine if it were parody, except I don’t think this is meant to be.

8. “If You Only Knew” by WWF Superstars: This sounds cute, in theory. Your favorite WWF superstars coming together to do some Band Aid collaboration should be at least get on through the absurdity alone. But in practice? Meh. Everyone sounds like they’re not even in the same studio with each other. That shouldn’t be surprising, but at least try to work me, y’know? There also aren’t any hilarious lines I’d usually expect with something like this. Just sounds like everyone is half-asking their part (except for Koko who, even in this bit role, seems to be stretching his vocals to their limit).It’s not even all that catchy, really. Astonishingly, this includes the only appearance of Hulk Hogan on this album. You’d think he would’ve had his own song here considering, y’know, he’s on the fucking cover. How dare they ignore the would-be bassist of Metallica like that? Oh well. At least we have the amazing Slammys performance to make up for all of this.

9. “Stand Back” by Vince McMahon: Dear god, where do I begin? Even if you’re not familiar with ‘80s wrestling, you may still recognize this one anyway, given its usage in the DX/McMahons feud of 2006. Its meme status aside, this is pure cringe. Maybe this is Vince’s way of waving his finger at the Jim Crocketts and Verne Gagnes of the world who doubted his clown shoes of a wrestling company. I honestly wouldn’t doubt he’d be that petty and ridiculous. Come on, who else could he be telling to stand back? It’s always fun to look for glimpses of the evil Mr. McMahon character he’d become, and it’s right here when he uses the the throaty “You’re firrrrreeedddd!” voice. Except he tries using it as a singing voice and the results are hilariously awful. I’m not sure who convinced him to do this, but I think it’s telling how it was brought up all those years later as a way to embarrass him. 

10 (worst). “Rock & Roll Hoochie Koo” by Gene Okerlund & Rick Derringer: To be fair, this isn’t the disaster I was dreading. I fully expected Mean Gene doing some excruciating throwback shit, but this is thankfully just him getting up on the stage on karaoke night after too many drinks. That doesn’t mean it’s good, because it definitely isn’t. While there are plenty of other songs here that can easily stand on their own two legs, this is one that totally feels like a novelty. After all, this is merely a cover version of Derringer’s lone solo hit from the ‘70s, so it feels kinda lazy. Did we really need Mean Gene’s take on it? Like, his take on the Star Spangled Banner at the first WrestleMania is more inspired than this. The production makes Mean Gene’s voice disappear under various guitar screeches, which is probably a wise decision. If I had my druthers, however, this entire song could disappear off the album altogether and I wouldn’t even care.

So there you go. Agree or disagree with this ranking? Am I just spouting nonsense? Will we ever see The Wrestling Album III? Is love really like a piledriver? While you’re pondering these questions, give this album another spin and, of course, don’t forget to crank it up.