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calypso-finale · 2 years ago

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Thirty Five. Part 2

The hostility here is just something I am very used too, I mean I have been through it all and he really hasn’t got the Barbadian family backing, he about to have the worst time but at the end of the day he has more right to be here then this dude “look I am going to go inside right, can you behave? I don’t really want to babysit you all either, grown men and all that. Just mind y’all business and relax. I can’t be on your side if you acting out” Oakley nodded his head, looking at Wadz “just watch out for him, don’t be doing anything while I go” patting Junior’ head “I will wait here” nodding my head, I guess he wants to stand guard. Walking off to go into the house, this family need to stop and just have this party for Aziel nobody else. Walking into the home “oh you got fucked up” Herb said laughing, now only Herb would be shouting that “who fucked you up cuz?” Herb is laughing, dapping him “the skinny warrior outside” Herb busted out laughing “man, that is some lethal hit right there. As a man with muscles you should be swinging harder, man them skinny niggas but brutal” clearing my throat trying not to laugh “ok, can we all just disperse. This whole thing needs to stop right. Brian whatever, you need to stay out of this” Robyn tried to pipe up “enough, I don’t want to hear it. This whole thing, I didn’t know. Brian” I pointed “You need to stay out of this business, this ain’t your child, you here now so shut up and accept Rylee, you. I need to speak to you and listen. You in my house, I ain’t having this shit. I don’t care, my grandson will have the best day, not you niggas fighting. Rylee” walking off, I have been living under a rock the whole time but when women but whispering I switch off, maybe I need to start paying attention more but that’s my bad. Closing the door behind me once Rylee walked into the room, placing my hands on my hips and just looking at her “what?” she said, “I should have figured when you wasn’t really speaking to me as much, you know when I left you Rylee I said you made your own decisions and then what happened?” this girl is stupid “you know what, you never let another man you don’t know meet your child, you’re doing it to spite him” Rylee looked away from me so that means I am right.

She is allowing her hurt to dictate what happens and it’s not a good thing “me and Brian get on, we really do, what do you want me to say dad. He threatened me to take me to court?” she defended “nobody threatens court if they get what they want, don’t play me Rylee. This isn’t about you, none of this is. You for one should know that and how that feels when your mom did that shit and made it about her. You are dealing with it wrong, let Aziel have his father, let him see him” I don’t know why she is mad with me “why are you allowing your mom to feed you stupidity too” Rylee shook her head “she is supporting me” clearing my throat “I don’t care, I only care for Aziel and what is right for him. Let Oakley be a dad” Rylee is upset for what, I swallowed hard because I don’t want her to cry “why are you crying?” I asked her “just everything ok, what do you know. Now my make up is a mess” she huffed out walking off, I didn’t barely say a word and she stormed off but she can’t do that and expect him to be ok, I don’t know what is happening but right now I am trying to get my grandson to have the best day, I pray that it pans out like that because he deserves a good time. I think with Oakley he will shut up but if someone pipes up then he will, but I totally get being the bad guy because I have been the bad guy too many times. I know how is it with these people too, they can be so nasty and make you feel like shit once you are the enemy.

I don’t know why I got penalised for this shit, I have barely got better from my incident and while then Rylee has been having the time of her life, I know she has been doing it to spite me and I get it but she is letting her mother get into her mind too much, Rylee barely knows this man but yet she is really riding this wave. I didn’t even want to be here to begin with, I didn’t want his birthday here but I said yes because then she will let me see him but it’s worked out I have seen Brian instead which is fucking me up badly, I didn’t want to see that dickhead at all “it’s funny right, she was hyping it up that I will run off with someone but at the end of it she ended up with Brian, like she did that” Wadz sat down across from me on the floor “I know bro, trust me. I think maybe like the whole Kenza thing, and the whole female messaging shit, she couldn’t take that I am guessing. I think it can be dealt with but you know when you are young you act up, she is young, and childish bro, what can I say” licking my lips “yeah, but I didn’t think she would do me like that bro, I am not going to lie to you, when I say I love you I mean it. Kenza was a none factor; I think Rylee jumped first and assumed I was going to do it first. I was going through some shit, and you know what, she ran, she ditched me and wasn’t there. I don’t even mean cleaning me; I mean even a call. I was laid out and she didn’t bother with me, she got that guy, she can have him” I am over it, I just want to see my son and move on from the nonsense, I can’t be dealing with the behaviour either. Rihanna is walking towards us, she about to talk some shit as she does with her peers “I think you boys need to be on your best behaviour, I won’t have you hitting guests” she said “who is the guest? Brian? You are deluded I give you that” Wadz tried to not laugh “you got my daughter pregnant, and you think I am going to like you?” I sniggered “you are deluded, you bark about me getting her pregnant when I am trying to be there, I know your game. You want me to not be there and back off, I won’t really. You can tell all these lies; I am here for Aziel. That’s it” getting up from the floor “I will have you in jail for being with my daughter at seventeen” staring at her “prove it” she can kiss my ass, I am over this family “the whole sane person here is Chris, I give him that” Rylee is back, of course she is. Seeing Aziel after all this time, seeing him walking, I feel bad. I missed out on it, I haven’t really seen him in person all this time “hey” I said, he is of course the happiest thing “my G” Kairo said, the fact Aziel is walking to me, he knows me like that because I get facetime but that is it “oh” I said, he fell on his butt but he giggled to himself “missed you” jogging over to him, I have missed him.

I can see Aziel hasn’t changed one bit, he still likes to hold my hair when I put him on my shoulders, this boy wants me to have no hair left “drop it, Aziel!” Wadz said, lowering myself down a little for him to put the ball in the basket but he didn’t, he hit the soft ball on my head “he trying to say you got no brain cells” I chuckled “yeah, I can tell. He beating my ass alright” turning around “dada!” he yelped out, you know the weird thing is, I am getting stared at by this family and it’s so awkward to even spend time with Aziel when I am being judged this way. Picking him off of my shoulder and held him “you ain’t forget me” he smiled at me “you know I will do anything for you, I just had some things to deal with yeah” he rested his head on my shoulder “Oakley” my ears perked up, Rylee saying my name “can we talk” she said, nodding my head “I will take him” Wadz said taking Aziel from me “we can go somewhere” dapping Kairo as I walked off “you sure mr perfect doesn’t want to come and protect you” he was staring “no” she just said in a blunt tone “cool” I mean this will be fun to hear, I wonder what the hell she even wants to say to me.

My hands behind my back as we stopped walking, it’s private so nobody can see “say it” she just said “say what? Nothing to say really, you jumped before anything, you jumped Rylee and you know it. You do this a lot, you jump every time” Rylee looked away from me “stand around for you to hurt me?” shaking my head “I was healing, I told you I love you. I said those words to you and you think I don’t mean it? How is it I am the single one huh, you worried so much about me playing away when you did this, I don’t get you. You want to be the one to say I did it. You did me over, after everything we been through, and now you’re mom is on a high horse about that shit Rylee, but whatever. I just want to see my son” I don’t care for the politics now “you think I didn’t love you? I was the one that jumped on you, I did everything because you was so laid back, you didn’t give. I was pulling everything from you to give me Oakley, it took you months to show feelings that you cared, you are away always, you left me in danger being at that place. Don’t you see it, you are to blame too and Kenza texting you, meeting her! You know this” nodding my head “but look who has a new man, I could be with Kenza right now, we aren’t good together. You aren’t listening to yourself, you are just jumping, I came to the apartment, and you had a man there, you know that is wrong” I pointed “made you react right” I shook my head “it’s not a game! This is a child here Rylee, I won’t have a guy that you barely know around him” she can’t do that shit.

Rylee huffed out “so is that it?” I said “hurt people do hurt things” she said “a whole man though, you made your bed lie in it. What you want me to do, you bought a guy around my son. I get it, ok, I am to blame too, I take that. I do, I take what you are saying but when I told you I love you I meant that, and I don’t regret it either, you’re hurting, and I get that too. I won’t fuck with you and what you’re doing, just let me see my son and I won’t bug you for shit, aight?” I won’t care a thing if she just obeys and lets me see him, but I feel she is wanting attention or up to something, I just want my son, I just want to be around my son and see him grow up.

I don’t know why my family thought I was the problem child when Rylee is right there, she is the worst and to top off it she has her ex and current man here, I am so happy I have dealt with my won demons because watching this drama is very funny. Smiling wide watching Oakley and her stand together like they haven’t been arguing back and forth, I clapped slowly just watching them, Rylee is so uncomfortable and I see it in my sister, she is stuck in a predicament. I don’t know why she bothers with men, it’s a headache to say the least now. I am into me; I am happier then anything. Looking around me as everyone cheered and the candles blew out, Rylee was the first to walk off, she is not happy clearly. Watching her walk off, I spun around and made my way back inside. I mean my sister and I don’t talk but part of my therapy I need too, seeing Rylee in the kitchen patting her face “you don’t have to walk off” I said to her “also I am sure you know I am in therapy and as part of it, I want to apologise to you” Rylee waved her hand “not the moment Ti really” nodding my head slowly “mhmmm I mean, why did you bring Brian here?” I just said it “to piss him off” she admitted and it made me laugh “I like that you’re blunt with it but I mean it’s not the best thing to be doing really” Rylee laughed “I know, but here we are. Brian is just there ok, it didn’t even feel right with him” she walked off, she is a mess.

The kids are asleep, and the adults come to play, also Oakley is still here too. I think majority of people, well family and friends are drunk. Uncle Herb is just dancing around like it’s nothing “watch out” looking at Oakley just there “you not drinking?” I asked “I don’t drink, I don’t even smoke, but Rylee had me smoking” clearing my throat “she isn’t over you though, anyone can see that. She loves you but is hurt with whatever happened” Oakley nodded his head “that’s on her, we can be cordial. I just want to see my son, that is what I want really” looking at my sister and Brian “you not noticed she is looking at you while talking to him? If not then you’re very stupid” he laughed “I am going anyways, I just wanted water for the road” nodding my head “besides, she made her bed really” he walked off, he is just as stubborn. I am so glad I am not in no relationship like that, I am happier without a man, without this stress. I don’t miss that feeling, giving yourself away to just gain attention from another, I am way passed that now.

I stifled out a yawn making my way down the hallway, and I abruptly stopped, I just heard giggling and scurrying down the steps. Squinting my eyes, do I want to check, or should I mind my business because that may be my parents just being annoying as they do. Standing at the top of the steps seeing both my sister and Oakley; I have to laugh because that bitch was never over him “come back, like pretend we hate each other” Rylee said, leaning over just watching them “why? You literally don’t though?” He said to her “because then I have to deal with that, look just please” he scoffed “you love is piss me off too much” looking away as they both kissed “you know I love you; you just anger me! Why you had to be away from me” her clinginess I guess “you play stupid games Rylee, like that guy? Why you had to bring that guy into it, it wasn’t needed was it really. You had my attention, I was going through some shit, and you couldn’t ride for me, you was angrier with me” I knew she wasn’t over him; I knew she wasn’t going to let him go, but here she is “I didn’t want no other woman, I meant what I said with you. You don’t listen because your mom” Rylee placed her hand over this mouth “please stop yeah, just come back tomorrow. Go” side eyeing them, she opened the door to let him leave but it looks like they spent the night together. Making my way down the steps “some things don’t change” Rylee gasped “oh” she said, “how did you shake off Brian” I asked, Rylee closed the door “easy” she just shrugged “hmmm shall I get the popcorn?” I asked “I suppose” walking behind Rylee, I guess the best conversations are had at night. Looking at Rylee and she is smiling “you clearly got what you wanted? I don’t get what happened to you both? Like I mean if you want him why not just have him?” I asked “because I felt he wasn’t giving me time; we was living in danger. He was choosing the streets, meeting his ex. Just a lot of things but you know” my sister is smirking for the gods “and dick sorted that out for you” she giggled “well yeah, of course it did. But make the popcorn, I need to sit” rolling my eyes “what happened to Brian?” I asked, “who is asking?” I guess he’s forgotten “how did you get Oakley here? He left?” I know he did “I literally cried down the phone, and he came” I chuckled “he’s a simp” shaking my head, he came rushing back for her.

Rylee and I are sat outside, the inflatables are still outside and the stars are out so we sat out here “how are you anyways?” Rylee asked “I am better than ever, therapy is working but my key is forgiveness and I always needed to speak to you but never had the chance, it was always that wall between us. I wish we wasn’t always connecting over shit and heartache but Rylee, I am sorry. Like for everything that went on, I was a very let down child and that pain wasn’t at you, it was at my parents. I was the mistake that happened at that moment, you was the wanted child and I took that shine from you. It was never your fault but I took it out on you, then it got to a point where you was entering a new phase in life and I was left behind. Even if we disagreed with things, to me Rylee you was a mother that I missed. I hashed it out with mom and dad but you got caught up in the shit really” I explained “understood, I am sorry too Ti. I wasn’t the best sister, selfish at times too. I am sorry because I wish I was better, but I was a brat, still is a little but Aziel doesn’t allow me to be really. I do care for you and everything I did really was to protect you from these men” nodding my head “I am not giving myself away like that again, I see it that you was trying to protect me. Look we had our shit but I know that you are into Oakley a lot, this is why I never told them about the time in London, mom has been poking to get this verified but even then, I knew that was too much and I knew how much you do love him” Rylee smiled at me “I forgot you knew really, I think mom vendetta is very much draining. I think we are going to hide it now. And Brian is my coverup” I let out an oh “the best thing mom did was get me out of here though, she is draining” I can agree with that with Rylee, she is too much.

Uncle Herb is always a mess, he makes me laugh “so hold on, you was asleep outside the house?” I asked “yeah! Taina left me outside, I don’t remember shit” my dad laughed “I walked out and did a little scream because this nigga is laid out, scared me” he is a mess, Rylee made her way into the room “I swear I heard you laughing last night” Herb said “me? I was asleep” Rylee said as she sat next to me with Aziel “mhmmm I was too drunk” she placed Aziel on her lap facing us “put your hair up, we need to braid it again don’t we” Rylee gathered up his hair “he has such ashy blonde hair” I said “he does, he has such white features, who is this?” Rylee said to him “mommy!” he spat, it’s weird to see my sister as a mother “yes mom is here, there you go. You make such a beautiful girl, look at you. This is Ti, you going to go and sit on her lap. Because mommy is sore, like tired sore. She has phone” Aziel is staring at me “I do have a phone” Rylee didn’t even wait a second, she just placed him on my lap “hey there” I said awkwardly, this is literally the first time connecting with him but he doesn’t seem phased, he is calm about it.

#Chrianna #Chrianna FF #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Chrianna Fanfic #Chrianna Fanfiction

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ruminate88 · 1 year ago

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You Love Me… Real Or Not Real?

Whenever I dated Andrew, he had told me how great the movie “the hunger games” was, and that I should watch it, but at that time, I really didn’t have any interest in watching it. As I became obsessed with Andrew though, I started to push myself to try and like things that he did! not being faithful to myself or respecting myself, but trying to mold myself into someone that he would like……

The summer after Andrew and I broke up I was not only so confused, but I was so miserable and heartbroken. I did not know I was in trauma bond, and that is why it was seriously hard to get away from him. I kept reaching out to him, but he only kept messing with my head, gaslighting me, and hurting me. Also, I had watched the hunger games because of him and so therefore the “fourth hunger games” came out to theaters and I went to see it!! 🥺 I actually liked it and cried when it was over because of the very line Katniss says to Peeta, “You love me… Real or not real?” I was so confused with Andrew. I just didn’t know what to believe. I felt like a pathetic loser sitting in that theater crying my heart and my eyes out, so upset and hurt over this little boy, seven years younger than me, with mommy issues, and only lies and cheats…… I had taken months of abuse from him, and realized I had to get away from him at all cost but I did not block his number because I simply didn’t think I had to. Also, I think a small part of me really did not want to be away from him, but I knew I had to. (I believe I wanted him to come back and use me more cuz I was addicted to him)

I was still very suicidal, and I had two more suicide attacks after walking away from Andrew. It was a very horrible and dark time for me!

Also, Jake, the very first narcissist I ever came in contact with showed back up because that’s what some narcissist do they continually show up after you have had a break up and they’re always trying to get back into your life. So I’m talking to Jake as a “friend” but really, we are not friends at all, I don’t trust Jake at all. I’m only using him to try to talk to because I’m so sad and hurt over Andrew. However, Jake says he does not want to hear about Andrew, my younger ex-boyfriend, and he does not feel sorry for me, but begins to tell me that I’ve got issues because I am so suicidal and depressed. He says that I need lots of prayer and help!! I actually believe Jake and I agree that I do need lots of prayer and help which I did, but I wasn’t sure if Jake was for me or against me! At some point, I explain to Jake that I am sooo isolated, and that I am shutting down and pushing people away all the time, because that is the person I have become not even realizing that Jake, Cody and Andrew are all responsible for this that prior to those men, I was not that cold of a person , I had so much love to give, and I feel as though those three men took all of that love I had, and destroyed it (not really because I have learned to love after them, but it’s not been easy. Trust me.)

I’m working overtime to better myself. I do get help in prayer. I am trying to change my way of thinking and also I started raising my standards. I told myself from now on I will always dare a man who will talk marriage with me right away. I am working overtime to better myself. I do get help in prayer. I am trying to change my way of thinking and also I started raising my standards. I told myself from now on unless a man will talk marriage with me right away, I am not interested in even being his friend let alone get to know him.

I made the decision to download the dating app “OK Cupid”. Upon doing this, I met a lot of men that the majority of them are not only ready for marriage, but they’re not someone that I have feelings for. I was very frustrated and disappointed, and was ready to delete the app! As I’m deleting the app, I made one last match and it was with my future husband! He sent me a text message and from there I could breathe! I even told my husband that for some reason I don’t know why, but as I’m talking to him, I feel I can breathe, and I have not felt this way with anyone else before that he was the first man I talk to that did not feel toxic!!! It felt very normal and nice and peaceful. I quickly realized that my husband has no drama and therefore, he’s a guy that I should get to know because I’m tired of drama. I’m tired of toxic men and I’m tired of disrespecting myself! With my husband, I felt I had more pride and dignity, and I felt like a better person just being with him!! I felt like a better version of myself too!

There wasn’t that much excitement though… I was very bothered by why was this new guy I’m talking to so nice to me, even made me feel like a better version of myself and YET I was not excited about it like I wanted to be. I was so excited whenever I met Andrew and I didn’t know why because Andrew only treated me like crap but here is this new guy that is treating me so good and yet I’m questioning do I even like him?.

What I did not know, is that with dating narcissist, especially during the Love bombing phase, there is this rush of intensity, almost like taking a drug. When dating a normal person, it is not like that at all!! It is very normal and calm. There’s no rush of intensity or major excitement. NOW it all makes sense!! I did not know it at the time though, and I continued to push myself to get to know my future husband and pursued him and focused on him solely, denying other men who would ask for pictures of me. I only sent pictures to my husband!! I wasn’t even dating him yet but I already felt like if I sent pictures to another guy, that I would be cheating on my husband and I didn’t want to cheat on this new guy that was so great!

He talked marriage with me, it all felt very real and safe and warm and just very very peaceful! That was the thing I focused on the most was peace! “A narcissist will find you in peace and leave you in pieces, but a real man will find you in pieces and bring you to peace!!”( Always remember that!!!!) As I continue to talk to my new man, we started a relationship. It was nice and warm, but it was weird for me because it wasn’t with Andrew and I just didn’t understand why I was so attached to Andrew. I never knew all that time he was a narcissist, and that I was in trauma bond with him! 😩 I was just trying to get over him and get a life of my own because I was so miserablene, unhappy and sad all the time, and when I would talk to my new guy who was so nice to me, I felt so peaceful and safe and I just wanted to hide. I just wanted to hide from all the pain and get away from all the stress that was Andrew. My new man had no stress, would talk to me for hours and it was so nice! we could just about talk about anything and laugh and I felt like I was trying more to be myself. (With Andrew, I never could truly be my comfortable self) At some point, I actually felt that it was all working out that I was finally getting over Andrew and moving on with this new great guy. I was in such a nice place for a change! I started to have some confidence in myself, and I started to just feel like all the drama with Andrew was behind me! 😌

I did not block Andrews number, not thinking anything of it. He had access to me still… While I’m finally healing myself with this new man in my life, that I think could possibly become my future, Andrew tries to contact me twice in the same day!!!!!!!!!!!!! He tried to FaceTime me twice one at about 3 PM and the other one at about 9 PM. It never truly rang though, it only rang once or twice and then he hung up so he never gave me the opportunity to answer his FaceTime call it just said that I had a missed FaceTime call from him which made no sense …… I had no idea what he wanted, my heart was racing, I was nervous and excited. I wanted him to want me so bad!!! I wanted him to miss me and love me, but he could never miss me or love me the way that I would want him to. He would only miss manipulating me and gaslighting me! Everything he was doing was to mess with my head and he was probably jealous that I had a new man. I had to tell my new man that Andrew tried to reach out to me. 😨 I couldn’t hide it because I was in a new relationship, and I wanted it to be honest and I was worried what was going to happen. so when I confessed to my new man and told him, I didn’t know what to do, that I was very upset. My new man said HE would FaceTime Andrew for me, and that he would find out what’s going on! WOW!! So the next day, I give Andrews number to my new man and my new man, FaceTimes Andrew for me! When my new man calls him, Andrew is very confused and wants to know who in the world he is and my new man says he is my boyfriend that Andrew needs to leave me alone OR ELSE!!! My new man said Andrew’s response was of shocked and scared, and looked like he was going to even cry… Wow…… Was Andrew really going to cry? Why was Andrew going to cry? 😳😳😳😳

Andrew clearly didn’t love or care about me, his actions proved that over and over but why would he cry when he finds out I have a new man or was he just afraid that my new man maybe he would hurt him?!? I just didn’t understand and don’t know what the truth is but it was very weird and bizarre.

I was very very upset and crying so my new man tells me “unless I block Andrews number, Andrew will continue to hurt me like that and that I need to do the right thing and block his number. “ I did it! It was not easy for me to do. I was very torn, but I had to do it because I didn’t want to ruin things with my new man whom which I knew would treat me 1000 times better than Andrew ever could and I would be stupid to go back to Andrew and continue to take more abuse. I also had people looking at Andrews social media for me and found out that yes he did have a new girlfriend a.k.a. new supply. I was extremely jealous of her, not even realizing that he was a narcissist and that way he treated me, most likely he was going to treat her the same or maybe even worse. 😔

I got Andrew out of my life, but I was really hurt after he tried to FaceTime me it was as if he opened up the wounds that I was healing and it felt like he punched them really hard and I was just so sad over him and cried over him!!! I thought for sure my new man was going to hate me for crying over Andrew, but my new man did not hate me. In fact, he let me cry and told me everything was going to be OK!! I could not believe it! I knew my new man was probably the one to marry. He was probably the nicest guy I would ever meet and obviously the most peaceful guy I would ever meet I just felt so calm and safe with him and that’s all I wanted at that point I didn’t care about anything else. I was just so tired of dating men that are toxic with all this drama and confusion and I just wanted a safe peaceful life even though I wanted this crazy, romantic love too, I started to realize that it probably doesn’t exist and I’ll probably never ever find it and so I started putting all my energy and focus on my new man, trying to figure out where we go next….

Jake was also STILL appearing in my life. I could not seem to get rid of him (unless I blocked his number) I was trying so hard not to hurt his feelings. I wanted to be his friend but I didn’t think I could even trust him. I was trying to focus all my energy on my new man who seemed like a better fit for me, but there was always this mystery with “who is Jake” and “what are his intentions?” Jake claims there’s going to be the “convention” in my city, and he finally wants to meet after all these years… I was very bothered by that, because Jake would never ever EVER faceTime me!!! How could I meet a person that would never FaceTime me and I felt like he lied and hid stuff for me? I was hurt over Andrew, I didn’t know how to move on from Andrew. I didn’t know why it was so difficult. Why was I so sad and hurt from Andrew what was it about him? I knew Andrew had a new girlfriend. I was trying to move on from him, but he was always in the back of my mind making me wanna cry all the time… 😭😭😭😭😭😭 I told Jake that I was bothered that he would never FaceTime me why in the world would I want to meet him in person and I finally blocked Jake’s number ONCE AND FOR ALL! (I now has both him and Andrew out of my life) I knew that I was moving forward with my new man, and that I was making the right choice for me, that I would be safer and happier, and be at peace with myself and my life, and I found out that it was more important than “mystery or attraction” or “this crazy grand, romantic love” that just does not seem to exist. I searched for it, and searched for it, and never found it!! With a narcissist, they love bombed you at the beginning of the relationship, to make you believe you could have this “grand, romantic love”, but it’s ALL FAKE. It’s all the trick just to use you!!!! 😫

I got to meet my new man in person after almost 6 months of talking to him and what do you know, it was just like meeting a really good friend that I had known for years!! A really good friend that you could sit and have coffee with and just talk about life with!!! It just felt so comfortable with him. I never felt that with any other person ever and it was such a wonderful feeling. I knew I was going to marry him. We got engaged within three months of dating in person but we talked about marriage every day. It was very sweet and I felt good but I also questioned, “Why was I not so excited AND why was I not obsessed with this new man?” Why was I obsessed with Andrew STILL?????? That really just did not make sense to me back then and made me feel really really shameful and I never felt good enough for my new man because I always felt like I was thinking about Andrew and I hated it!!!!!!!!! 😫

Despite all of my worries, fears, doubts and even a ton of distrust, Of course, I wondered, “could my new man be like Andrew?” Could he be good to me at the start but then end up being terrible to me at the end!?? I took the risk because I was so lonely, and I wanted love soooooo badly, and I just felt differently. I felt like maybe my new man was going to be different and I was right . I married my new man we had a beautiful wedding, beautiful honeymoon, and married life has just felt as if I lived at home!! It hasn’t really felt like anything in my life has even changed. It’s like living with one of my parents. My husband has the same peace and drama free lifestyle that my parents have and I just feel like I could be myself but I never EVER could stop thinking about Andrew and I have worked so hard to understand why to understand who Andrew was….

Whenever I found out what a narcissist is, it started to make SO MUCH sense to me who Andrew was and why he did and said the things he did!!! It’s also allowed me to understand why I could never stop thinking about Andrew because there is something called “cognitive dissonance” where your brain is stuck between two opinions because the narcissist is so romantic at the start and then they’re so terrible at the end of the relationship and your brain just doesn’t know which version to believe but obviously the terrible version is the real version of Andrew! I don’t like calling him a monster that makes me feel bad to do that but he definitely scared me. 🙁 He definitely hurt me. He definitely cut me deep and put knives in my back consistently and I never knew what mood he was in when we were together, never knew if he was chill or if he was stressed out and was he going to be upset with me? I never knew why he was sooo upset with me or how I could make it better…. 🥺 nothing I did, or said, made it better, and that’s not a loving relationship!! that’s very dysfunctional!!!!

I was beating myself up for so long because I couldn’t get Andrew out of my head and I felt like a really bad wife and I felt like my new man doesn’t deserve that and why can’t I control these thoughts? But now that I know all about narcissism, I have understood why I’m so attached to Andrew and why I couldn’t stop thinking about him! So I started to give myself more grace, realizing that I can’t change the past and I can’t just unattached myself from Andrew. It Has to come overtime and it WILL!!! Eventually I’ll stop telling my story but for right now, I neeeeeed to tell my story because I’m just trying to understand and make sense of it all and I care about Andrew but I also realize I don’t know who he really is and I can’t trust who I saw because that was a false face during the love bomb phase!! It’s clearly not him and although that really hurts me and breaks my heart, I have to grieve it and I have to continue on with my life because I deserve so much more than that and I DO feel sorry for Andrew. I really do and I pray for him and I want the best for him even though I’m very hurt by him and I miss the person I saw during the lovebomb phase, but I am working to accept that that’s not actually him ……

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ludwigplayingthetrombone · 2 years ago

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OFMD Fix-it Part 2

Ayyy here’s part 2! Thank you so much for the incredible response to part 1! I read the tags and comments often y’all are too nice ;v; Enjoy all 69 pages! tw for blood and injury

Part one

kofi

Wee john: Fuck yeah! Roach: We took over Blackbeard’s ship!! Frenchie: Oh no! You dastardly pirates are too scary for me! I surrender!!

Stede: All good everyone! Crew: IS IT?? Stede: [gasp] Did you guys take back the ship?? Ed: You’re shitting me Stede: Excellent job, everyone!

Ed: Hey! Stede: Oh, sorry! I look forward to hearing about it! Ed: Please don’t crack your face again Buttons: Were yee crying? Both: WHAT?! No! Ed: I physically cant cry Stede: Why so you keep asking that? Crew: Captain! Stede: WAIT I’m not discouraging this energy, but please be careful of-

Ivan: What do you want us to do with Izzy, captain? Frenchie: OH FUCK THE KNIFE! Swede: PULL IT OUT! Roach and jim: NO!! [schluck] Pete: FUCK PUT IT BACK IN!! Roach and jim: NO!! Ed: Why disturb him? Sleeping so peacefully. I’ll deal with him later [schluck]

Pete: Where’s lucius? Stede: Yes, we’re missing lucius. Ed! Is the boy below deck? Pete: Did something happen? Frenchie: Oh yeah almost forgot! [knocking on the deck] Stede: What’s this, frenchie? Ed: Lucius is dea-

Lucius: OH THANK GOD! I was going mad in that wa-

Pete: Where have you been? Stede: Lucius! Good to see you, my boy! wee john: Cap’n... Lucius: I was hiding in a secret wall I’d found. Frenchie thought I was a ghost for about a week. Luckily the ship was a barnacled mess Frenchie: Still not convinced if I’m bein’ honest. Couldnt believe you’d survived, Stede: Survived? Pete: Why would you be a ghost, babe? Lucius: Because Blackbeard threw me overboard

Ed: A momentary laspe of judgement Olu: Oh shit

Stede: [knocks] Ed? [door unlocks]

Ed: Ship’s yours again. I can be gone- Stede: you’re leaving? Ed: I nearly killed lucius. Aren’t you upset? Stede: Absolutely livid, but you didnt succeed, thankfully! The atmosphere is tense, things are a little unclear, but they’re open to speaking. I’ve forgiven them for planning to kill me! Blows over quite fast, I’m sure- Ed: I’m a terrible person, stede. You don’t even-

Ed: Crew needed me. Wanted to help me. And I chose Blackbeard. All ‘cuz Izzy opened his FUCKING mouth ‘n backed me into a corner! Lucius would see right through it. I didn’t know what else to d- [flinch] Stede: It’s ok

Stede: Blackbeard is how you’ve been surviving. I understand that now. The only reason you were put in that position was because of my poor decisions. I promise I’ll be here no matter what to help us all get through this. Ed: Pull up the chair, I want my knife back Stede: Oh good finally...

Ed: So a big cat, a carriage accident, and a dropped piano? All at once? Fuckin’ hell, mate, you let ‘em have it. Though, I’d go as far to say the cat was too much. Stede: Whaaat? How could you say that about Ned? He did great. Ed: Just BITTER I wasnt there to see it

Stede: I’m sorry you had to do this again. I know you’re still angry...Ed: Wasn’t about being angry... not at first at least. Just felt.... sad. Really fucking sad, Stede. Didn’t know what to do without you here. None of us did. Felt... Like I just wanted to lay down and die Stede: I...I didnt think my absence would be felt this deeply

Ed: Oh shut- You’re not serious Stede: No, I’m serious. Mary and the kids were much happier when we were planning my departure fuckery. I genuinely can’t think of a time where someone missed my presence

Ed: Well fuck everyone else. Was the crew pissed when you said why you left? Stede: Very much so Ed: Then they missed you, cheers [mumble] I sure as fuck missed you Stede: You did? Sorry, Impulse. Ed: Lean up a bit Stede: I hop I can earn your trust back one day

Ed: Well, knowing about that Chauncey fuck makes me less pissed at you. Least you didn’t ditch me ‘cuz you didn’t want me around anymore. Stede: Oh no, I’ve liked you since the day we met. Ed: You did look hot bleedin’ out on the deck of that spanish ship. Stede: I’m choosing not to unpack that at this moment. Ed: All done up you go! [loud closed-mouthed scream] [ed repressing laughter] You good? Guts still in? Stede: [strained]I think so Ed: Lean on me til it passes

Thanks, did you sew me up the first time? Ed: Nah, that was fang Stede: That fang, beautiful work Ed: Go lay down. I gotta clean up your blood Stede: Again, sorry

Ed: If you apologize one more time for being stabbed, I’ll stab you again Stede: But it led to so much character development last ti- I’ll leave you to it then

Stede: Ah, is this my-? What’s it doing under th-

Stede: Forget I- Ed: No, that’s- I mean, it is yours... It doesnt even smell like y- JUST PUT IT ON

S: May I ask you-? E: shoot S: Why did you let me board the ship? E: I was tired of izzy nagging to blast you with the cannons. Kept talkin’ in my ear about you ‘n it just made me angrier and angrier. Got me so amped up to just fucking kill you the moment I saw you again. Thought I'd just be furious, but I felt... giddy? /hated/ that my chest was pounding, that just made me angrier

E: Then you show up with your tits out looking handsome as shit. S: hmmm [olu: One last thing, captain Stede: What is it, olu- RIP] E: I thought of it too. Leaving. Thought I’d get ahead before I disappointed you. Wasn’t itching for adventure, I knew I was in too deep with you S: I always thought I was disappointing /you/. I’m not the most exciting person E: Me?

E: Stede, you’re the boldest bugger i’ve ever met. Ever since i’ve known about you, you’ve made the most batshit ballsy moves. You took those English hostage, you swindled iz to get them back. you told blackbeard to go suck eggs in hell You stood up to the weird twins, to the English navy, to those richies at that party, to izzy, to jack, to ME. You’re the coolest, kindest person I know, Stede. I’m nuts about you. S: … guess I've never seen myself from that perspective E: If anyone else told me that story, i’d have them tied to the anchor for such a bullshit lie, but it’s you, so i believe it. Its as ridiculous as you are.

E: do you think I’ve ever gotten this upset over some quick drunk fuck parting ways? Only you.

S: Why only me, though?

E: You’re the only person that makes me feel… safe? Like I don’t have to be blackbeard 24/7. Most of my old mates were just dickheads who showed up when they wanted something the buggered off

Dont’ gotta worry about you stabbin’ me in my sleep cause i pissed you off. You don’t laugh when I talk about a fine fabric or a pretty looking teacup. I’ve told you things I thought I’d take to my grave because anyone else would throw it back in my face... But not you. I like your fire hazard, secret passage ship, your crew, when you talk about clothes ‘n book ‘n flowers. You don’t act like anyone else but you... And I envy that

Ed: Because it’s you

Stede: No one’s ever thought that about me... I’m sorry. Hah, I feel a bit dizzy. Ed: Hey, hey, what’s wrong? Lay down if you need [stede crying] Stede?

Stede: You’re the first person who doesnt think I’m a burden. My father, Mary, peers- My whole life- That I was selfish for being born [crying] Ed: Again, Stede, Feck ‘em

Stede: Meeting you was the best day of my life. I was so relieved when you- on the beach- Yuo looked so happy, and I destroyed that Ed: shhh

ed: It’ll be ok

Ed: Look at me. You came back

Ed: And that made Ed happ- IZ: EDWARD, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! [IZZY YELLING]

Ed:[calm] I’m sorry, Will you excuse me for one moment? Stede: Feel free! Ed: Thank-you [Izzy still yelling] [door slam] rapid steps]

[clattering above] [Izzy screaming] [crew cheering] foot falls approaching]

Ed: Now, where were we? Stede: ....Actually I do wanna know Ed: Let’s say, Bit too tied up to bother us again

[stede huffs a laugh] Ed: You look exhausted, you should rest. Pincushion gets the mattress Stede: oh no, I couldn’t. where are you sleeping? Ed: Perfectly comfortable desk right here. [pained moan] Stede: Right... Ed: Night, Stede

ed: I’ll steal a couch soon. ‘M too old to sleep on desks now Stede: I have no qualms [ed sighs]

Ed: Hey, stede Stede: Mm Ed: Can we.... Can we just forget about the beach and start over?

Stede: I don’t think I can this time, Ed. Ed: Slightly concerned you can forget me almost killing you but not a kiss Stede: I’ve decided to be done with running away from my problems and pretending they never happened. But beyond that, My whole world shifted with that kiss. I can’t ever forget that. The memory alone kept me rowing to get to you again

Stede: We’ve hurt eachother, but I’m more than willing to put in the work to mend it... Which is something I never did with mary. Ed: I wont stab you in the earhole by the way. Got mine out of he way. Stede: Only fair! We’re even now. Ed: But mine was funny [swat] [giggle]

Ed: Last thing, then you can sleep off the stab wound Stede: Oh good... Ed: If Blackbeard was gone for good, would you stay? Lotta folks want the novelty y’ know. ‘S been gnashing at the back of my skull. Stede: I met Ed first not Blackbeard

Stede: ‘M staying forever now. Best friends at first sight. From my point of view at least

Ed:...Olivia... How ya doin’, Iz? Iz: Are you fucking joking? Just tell me what’s going on

Ed: Stede won. Crew took the ship back. I’m staying. Oh and lucius is alive, as you saw. Kid said the ship was so mucked up, he was able to hang on to sneak onto the ship. Thought you handled that way back when? Iz: that fookin- Ed: So i’m giving you a choice.

Iz: Just cut my foot off at this point anything but this. Ed: why can’t you ever just relax, izzy? It doesnt have to go this way, yet you stomp your feet Every. Single. Time. How many years have we known eachother; do you even like my company? Iz: How could you even say that to me? I’ve given my life to you time and time again. And You’re going to let some tart waltz back in and uproot everything we built. Ed: Built what? We’re fucking pirates, mate!

Powertrip’s over. This is it. It was a good ride. Fang: Lucius! You’re missing this shit!! Ed: You may love waiting to end up like... another leather clad, middle aged sad sack dying alone in a puddle of his own piss, but you’re not dragging me there with you. So make a choice Iz: You’d really let me walk? Ed: Truthfully, i’d prefer you play nice and enjoy yourself for once. but I’ll give you three options.

Ed: Old way is gone. Either one, accept that and keep it pushin’. Two, I would just let you fuck off, but you’ve proven to be a liability out of my sight, so i’ll have fang cut your talk box, so you never speak stede’s name ever again THEN you can fuck off. And three, more of a clause to one,

Ed: If you go rogue, I’ll make you beg for hell. Threaten anyone on this ship again, You’ll never feel the warmth of the sun ever again

Ed: I’ll let you down if you behave

Iz: [despair sigh] just leave me up here a while longer. ‘S quiet for once. Ed: well alright, take some time to process. let fang know when you gotta piss Lucius: Bad morning? Iz: Yeah, keep staring, twat Lucius: That sounded threatening, right fang? Fang: He’s not above pissin’ on you, kid

Ed: [muffled] breakfast? [smack] Didn’t remember blackbeard snuck into your bed? Stede: No, I remember. Had to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating again. Also, once again, you’ve processed this very quickly

Ed: Were yee seein’ phantoms? Stede: No more guilt phantoms thank goodness. Was getting sick of those buggers. Ed: Love a good phantom. You seem less tightly wound. Glad you’re phantom free

Stede: Took awhile to realize, but This is where I belong. Ed: No fucking shit

Ed: Speaking of, Y’ know, I’ve thought on it, and I’ve decided I’m tired of being angry and sad and lonely. Fucking sick of it. Already stabbed you, no sense in wasting time acting mad when I know what I want S: And what is that? E: Wanna be liked and kissed and happy.

Stede: Perfectly reasonable things to- Ed: I also want to be co-captains with the gentleman pirate. [choke] I’m lying in your bed with you, stede. Who do you think’ll be kissing me? The swede? Stede: I didn’t want to PRESUME. Is this a new job role for co-captains? Ed: Is now! ‘S why I promoted you. But you’re still on thin fucking ice. Stede: Poor jim. Promoted in less than a day. Ed: Don’t actually tell jim. They’re super pissed at me Stede: oH Ed: Now, onto couch theft, I’m thinkin’-

Stede: You’ve got some- Ed: I get it? Stede: Not quite, just- Oh- fuck it

Ed: Dastardly man. Diabolical. Definitely not gentlemenly

Ed: Fuckin’ missed you!

End

#gentlebeard #blackbonnet #our flag means death #ofmd #my art

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rebeccccccaaa · 4 years ago

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𝚃𝚠𝚘 𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚜 𝚘𝚏 𝙳𝚊𝚍𝚍𝚢

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𝙱𝚞𝚌𝚔𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚜 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

𝚁𝚎𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚍: ANON Hey you ❤️ Could I request an imagine with Bucky where you are his non-avenger girlfriend but you got really distant towards him lately as you found out you're pregnant and you're scared of his reaction? But then he finds out and is all happy and all other avengers are happy for you and insist on taking care of you and it's just all fluffy ? Thank you a lot ❤️

𝚆𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: really fluff smut 18+ (praise, daddy kink, slight mommy kink?, breeding kink, oral fem!rec, age gap, etc), slight angst, cw: mentions of eating disorders (no one has one but bucky thinks this)

𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛’𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎𝚜: listen…. The idea of kids and having kids getting pregnant all that jazz, yeah. It fucking terrifies me! LOL! But nonetheless I really do see the appeal and sometimes i catch myself reading these kinds of fics so i really hope you like it anon! :)

PS: updates are going to slow down cuz i don’t have any drafts ready for upload and also things are a little crazy personally so yeah hope y’all understand :)

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“You like that baby?” Bucky groaned in your ear.

“Yes daddy! Oh my god,” you moaned.

“You’re being such a good little girl for your daddy. Fuck, daddy. You're gonna make me a daddy. I’m gonna come inside you and you’re gonna get all swollen and round with my baby. You want that? You wanna be a mommy; make me a daddy?”

Bucky and you both expressed in the past that kids were something you both wanted but with Bucky still heavily involved with missions and the avengers, and you were in college studying to get a PhD in biomechanics and computer engineering, something that would let you understand and work with Bucky specifically very closely. You were too young to have a baby but that didn’t stop you from playing into fantasies of having a family with the man you were so in love with.

“Daddy,” you moaned.

“Give it to me, baby,” you looked him into his eyes.

Bucky kissed you hard as you both came and after cleaning yourselves up you had showered together, ate dinner quickly, and soon went to bed.

That was two months ago.

Three weeks after that night, Bucky was gone for about two weeks on a mission with Steve. You and the girls were drinking wine but you opted out for the tempting glasses feeling nauseous that entire week.

As a joke, the girls were saying you were pregnant but you were sure that you and Bucky were always cautious when having sex. It wasn’t a good time to have a baby. So you joked that all three of you should take a pregnancy test and when yours came out positive you freaked out.

“Oh my god! Bucky’s gonna kill me!” you panicked.

“Hey, relax. It’s ok,” Nat comforted you.

“We can get through this. Now did Bucky explicitly say he doesn’t want kids?” Wanda asked.

“No, we both want kids it’s just, ugh, life is so fucking crazy right now and I’m still in school, Bucky’s going on missions all the time. It’s just not a good time to have a baby.”

“Ok think about it this; if life for us was normal, as boring as that is, would Bucky be upset if you were pregnant?” Nat reasoned.

“No, he would be so happy. He wants to be a dad, it’s just so sudden,” you said in distress.

“It’s always sudden with this situation. But what’s more important is that you have support. Whatever your decision is in the end we'll all support you, even Bucky,” Nat told you.

Bucky came back home and immediately knew that there was something that was upsetting you. You promised him that you were alright but you were conflicted. You tried to tell him, you really did, but there wasn’t a good time.

One night Bucky tried to initiate sex when you two had the tower to yourselves. You were instantly distant with him afraid he’d take one look at your naked body and know you were pregnant and that freak you out.

“Baby, are you ok?” Bucky asked that night.

“Yeah, I just don’t feel good,” you didn’t actually lie, the pregnancy did affect your appetite drastically and many foods you used to adore before were repulsive to you.

“Oh ok, do you need anything?” he was concerned.

“No, I think I’m ok.”

Now present day, you and Bucky hadn’t had sex since. It’s been a little over two months and Bucky wasn’t frustrated per say but he missed you; he missed having his hands on your warm and soft skin. He missed the way you squirmed under him and the little whimpers you made. How good your walls felt as he thrusted in and out of you torturously slow.

You two were in the kitchen sitting with some of the other team members. So far only Nat and Wanda knew about your pregnancy as hard as it was to not tell Vision or Steve or literally anyone. You stared at the breakfast sitting in front of you; it used to be your favorite but looking at it and smelling it was making you extremely nauseous.

“Baby?” Bucky rubbed your back.

“Hm?”

“Why aren’t you eating? It’s your favorite,” he said.

“I’m not too hungry,” you said.

Bucky wasn’t convinced but because you were in front of other people he didn’t want you to feel embarrassed like a father scolding a teenager. His hand rested on your thigh and immediately felt your leg tense up.

You retracted and stood up walking away without saying a word and Bucky was confused and followed you quickly shoving as much food in his mouth as he could and tossed his plate in the sink.

“What’s going on with them?” Steve asked.

“Oh no are they gonna break up?” Sam asked with genuine concern, as much as he fucked around with Buck he did admire your relationship. You are really good for him and he loved you unconditionally.

“No, it’s just-” Wanda started.

“Wanda,” Nat warned.

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” she rolled her eyes, ��There fine. Y/n’s just not feeling well and she doesn’t want to be bothered.”

Bucky walked into your shared room and found you changing into yet another hoodie. That’s when he started piecing things together; or at least he thought. You were always wearing very big clothing and covering your body; that he thought was the most beautiful he’d ever laid eyes on. You were constantly nauseous and refused to eat even some of your favorites dishes and meals. You wouldn’t let him touch even though he’s initiated a couple of times.

“Y/n?” Bucky asked.

“What?” you played dumb.

“Y/n, what’s going on?”

“Nothing, I told you I don’t feel good.”

“That seems to be your excuse a lot.”

“What does that mean?” you asked.

“Y/n, be honest with me. Are you starving yourself?” he had tears in his eyes; he couldn’t even think about you doing this to yourself.

“What! Bucky no! I’m not, ugh, just,” you stuttered.

“What is going on, please tell me, baby?”

“I’m pregnant!”

Silence. Bucky was shocked. You were pregnant? How long? Why didn’t you tell him?

“I’m so sorry, Buck,” you started crying.

“No, no, no, no, don’t cry babygirl,” Bucky hugged you tightly while you sobbed into his chest.

“I’m happy, I’m really happy and excited for us. We’re gonna be a family,” he smiled.

“You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

“I don’t know, I know we talk about this and having a family but not now. I thought you’d be mad at me.”

“Well, I’m a bit bummed that you didn’t tell when you found out but no; I’m so happy. I love you from the bottom of my heart and I would do anything for you. I’m gonna be here every step of the way and we’re gonna get through this together, ok?”

“Ok,” you sniffled.

“Are you ok? Do you need anything?” Bucky already started going into protective dad mode and he just found out.

“No I just need you,” you whispered.

“God, I love you,” Bucky picked you up and laid you on the bed littering your face in kisses.

“Does anyone else know?” he asked you.

“Well, uh, the girls,” you said.

“You told the girls?”

“Well, they were drinking and i declined because I was feeling sick and they joked that I was pregnant so we all took pregnancy tests as a joke but mine came out positive. I took two more and they were all positive,” you started tearing up.

“Hey don’t cry, it’s ok.”

“Sorry,” you laughed.

“We’re gonna be ok, right baby?” he whispered.

“Yeah, I love you.”

Bucky leaned down again and pressed kisses to your neck making you giggle. His warm hands trailed under your shirt making your skin burst into chills. Bucky’s lips continued their assault on your neck and before you knew Bucky started lifting your sweater over your head.

You did the same to Bucky and your chests were pressed against each other instantly as he kissed you hard. Bucky trailed kisses down your body slowly, hands rubbing your skin softly, lips staying longer than usual around your stomach for obvious reasons.

Bucky peeled your sweats from your body and didn’t hesitate to dive in. His tongue licking a long strip against your pussy. You moan softly and your hips wiggled under him. He pressed down on you to keep you from squirming but you were getting very close to your orgasm and it just felt too good.

Bucky brought his fingers and circled your entrance before inserting a finger slowly. He looked up at you moaning at his fingers and this encouraged Bucky to insert another one. His fingers slipped in and out with ease with your arousal practically dripping from you.

Bucky leaned forward and circled his tongue around your clit. The obsecene sounds of Bucky finger fucking you echoed in the room and you finallly climax, cumming all over his finger. Bucky crawled up your tired body after taking his pants and boxers off.

Bucky didn’t bother putting a condom considering you’ve been his only partner the past couple years and he got you pregnant. He pumped his cock a few times before grabbing your legs to wrap around his waist and easily slipped between your folds.

“Fuck, baby girl. You feel so good,” Bucky moaned in your ear.

“Oh shit, yes,” you whimpered.

“Oh you’re gonna be so beautiful when you're all big and swollen, shit. You’re gonna be the sexiest mommy in this whole fucking world.”

“Ugh! And you’re gonna be such a sexy daddy,” you smirked and cupped his face.

He leaned down and kissed you passionately. He thrusted into you harder and your back arched into his chest, moaning high pitched and loudly. Your hands tugged on his hair and Bucky groaned in your mouth.

“Oh Buck, I’m gonna come,”you said against his lips.

“Let go, baby. Come for me, mommy,” Bucky said.

You came hard; your body contracted and trembled, your stomach tightened, your toes curled, and your legs pulled Bucky deep inside you, hot spurts of his cum coating your walls. Bucky settled on you but bounced back afraid he was crushing the baby.

He went to the bathroom, well practically sprinted, and returned with a warm towel to clean you up. Your body laid still while you were cleaned and you just watched Bucky with adoration. He left again and returned wearing boxers and held a bottle of your favorite lotion that you usually saved for special nights or for Tony’s parties.

You smiled and got comfortable as Bucky poured some lotion in his hand. His hands spread the lotion evenly on your body; thumbs skimming your sensitive nipples, gently caresses all over your stomach, teasing grazes along your inner thighs. You closed your eyes and felt euphoria.

The love of your life was really pampering you and you felt so good.

“I love you,” you whispered.

“I love you, too,” Bucky kissed your forehead, crawling into the bed with you.

“Let’s stay in all day. My girl is pregnant and she’s gonna need all the rest she can get,” Bucky joked.

“But what about-”

“No, who cares,” bucky interrupted.

“But-”

“No buts.”

“What are we gonna tell the rest of the team?”

“Oh, well. It’s your body, your comfort. You tell them when you feel it’s best. But I do hope it’s soon because I’m so happy and I don’t think i'd be able to keep this a secret for long,” Bucky dived his head in your neck making you laugh.

“Ok,” you whispered.

“Man, I’m gonna be a dad,” Bucky sighed happily.

“You’re gonna be daddy,” you said innocently.

“I’m already your daddy,” he playfully growled.

“Then you’re gonna be two types of daddy,” you smirked.

“Two types of daddy.”

=======================

TAGLIST:

@mathletemadison

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes smut #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x f!reader #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes smut #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes fluff #marvel smut #pregnant!reader #dad!bucky barnes

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autumnslance · 2 years ago

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Lately I’ve only been interested in characters I hear or see, but get upset or discouraged when I don’t anymore. my furthest character I had ever progressed and I let losing her voice or her telling me to leave her alone had me end up deleting her. I don’t want them doing that anymore. How do you keep control? I need advice.

It sounds like you're giving your creations too much credit and yourself not nearly enough, perhaps due to a lack of confidence.

Usually when writers or roleplayers talk about the character speaking/taking control/making their own decisions, it has to do with understanding when to step back from one's own decisions and ideas of "what's the right choice" and knowing a character well enough to determine what choice such a person would make, based on how the writer/roleplayer built that character's personality and experiences. Some of it is one's subconscious pinging onto things one may not have consciously realized yet.

When I say Aeryn "decided for herself" that she was gonna ship with Thancred and I was just along for the ride, that was my unconscious mind checking the boxes of my enjoyment of fictional romances, realizing that was an OK thing in the FF14 fandom, combined with the tropes I like that Thancred embodies, all meshing well with the personality and background I'd given to my character. I'm playfully annoyed at myself for falling into my own trap and not realizing it until it had already closed on me.

That's not to say some characters can't be difficult; it took me a few years of attempting to figure out the worgen character I wanted to play back in World of Warcraft. I had a concept, personality, names, backstory...it just refused to mesh, for a long while, until the time and circumstances--in game, in RP, and for me in real life--found the right balance to make it work. I needed to be in a place where I could actually bring that character to life correctly.

And sometimes a character is simply done. I've retired or faded out characters that weren't going anywhere, either due to a lack of time or development, or I had said all that was needed to be said through that particular story. Anything else could be said via other means, in new ways.

There are a lot of characters from RPs and stories and WoW that I loved, still love, maybe had more I could say, but those games and stories ended, or I moved to other things, and so those characters are...we'll say resting, for now. I dunno if I'll ever write any of them again, and that's OK, cuz I have new characters, and can also revisit those concepts with more experience and different perspectives than I had then, in either a revamp of the same character, or a whole new character with some similarities.

I've even had a favorite and popular character die in a wonderful RP adventure, and a couple years later had the chance to bring her back...and I wished later that I hadn't. I should have let her stay dead. It was a misstep in her story.

Cuz I am the writer. I am making the decisions for the fictional characters and worlds I create. I don't always make the right ones. But I can always fix that.

When you say "characters you can hear and see" do you mean easily accessible ones you can play with more often in a game (tabletop, video, chat, other)? The new ones currently catching your attention while older others end up in the background due to the new shiny? Some folks can play many alts, write many characters, come up with endless amounts of development and story. Not all of us can.

Time and energy are realities limiting all of us to different degrees. New ideas are great, but if they aren't ready yet, they can wait in a folder. I've sat on some character concepts for a decade, waiting for the right game or story. Sometimes an older character needs a break; perhaps we're done telling their story, or perhaps they'll be a vehicle for something else to say later. They can wait in a folder meanwhile. Some characters get more development time and attention than others. They aren't bad characters and you're not a bad person for neglecting those stories, there's just only so much time in a day.

In the end, we do control our fictional characters' development, their backstories, and the choices they make. Sometimes we make errors and make an OOC choice for them, sometimes we try to fit them into the wrong story. But we can also go back and fix those things as we need to; nothing's set in stone. Roll it back if needed.

Don't overwhelm with more than can be handled, but also don't despair if you bounce between new OCs often. Sometimes a character needs to wait, and sometimes they need to be given a rest or even retired. Concepts can always be recycled with a new perspective at another time, so save them off to the side to visit with now and then.

Decide the story you want to tell, and find the character to tell it through. Know your time and energy limits to choose the stories you're able to tell right now. Don't compare yourself or your OCs to others; do your best to be true to your story and character (while, if in RP, keeping it fun and collaborative for all involved, so communicate and set boundaries), fix mistakes, and be OK with letting go when you've said all you need to through that character.

#Lyn Prompts #Writing #Characters #blogging #about me

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firecrackerhh · 3 years ago

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I’m going to be honest.

When I found out about some VA’s leaving, and all on the same day mind you, I was shocked.

I wasn’t upset per se, but I was…honestly at first I thought it was kinda bullshit until I went on the original VA’s Twitter.

Well, whoever they’ve chosen to replace them, they’ve got big shoes to fill. And if Viv has done the choosing then I, WE, don’t got shit to worry about.

This show is her BABY do you think she would pick VA’s who sucked? Hell if we think the pilot VA’s were so good then by God the professionals she picks are gonna be GREAT.

I’m not saying you can’t be upset or disappointed by this news, nor am I saying it doesn’t suck at least a little that the originals won’t be back, but producing a tv show is always gonna require some changes for whatever reason. It’s part of the process, and thus inevitable.

Calm. Down.

And as for the people leaving the fandom cuz of this shit…see ya! Can’t say for anyone else but I certainly won’t miss you.

I know that Hazbin gets made fun of because a lot of antis don’t think it’s all that “mature” or whatever but I would think at least SOME of us have enough emotional maturity to not have tantrums about it.

I’m not talking about those who are upset, in general, I’m talking about the ones who are shitting on Viv for this decision. The ones being bitter and mean about it.

I get it, you became attached to how these characters sounded, so did I, and the fact Michael Kovach as Angel Dust isn’t coming back does sting a little bit. But don’t act like an entitled brat about it.

Also don’t shit on the new VA’s, whoever they happen to be ok? It’s a job they’re paid to do and they shouldn’t have to put up with the crazier people of this fandom fucking harassing them or some shit. It’s not their fault we’ve gotten so attached to the old voices.

Honestly I bet they already knew long before they told us that they weren’t gonna be the voices but they couldn’t SAY ANYTHING because again, NDA.

At first I thought it was better they tell us upfront, rip the band aid off so to speak, though after talking about it to someone it occurred to me that if they told us after the trailer it would’ve been less of a FUCKING DISASTER because then we would know what the new voices all sounded like.

Yeah that probably would’ve gone better. Though I hear Twitter in particular is having a shitfit about it. Not surprising.

Nonetheless it is what it is. I’m sure many here will go through the 5 stages of grief in a week and then the trailer will drop and we’ll all get over it. I hope.

Besides I’ve put too much time into this fandom to just jump ship over something so petty anyways. I’ve written a fanfic with CHAPTERS, I’m normally a lazy bitch who barely wants to do ANYTHING and yet somehow this show fucking did SOMETHING to me and here I am with a tumblr account spouting my opinion that no one cares about.

That’s a hyperfixation for ya I guess.

What I’m trying to say is this show for whatever reason brings me joy in a world that’s full of bullshit so if you think I’m gonna drop it cuz a few things have changed, change is inevitable and I’m moving forward with it!

The times they are a-changing baby! Those who want to leave can leave, as for the rest of us, WOO THE TRAILER IS GONNA DROP SOON (most likely) LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO!!!!!

God I’m such a dork 😅

#hazbin hotel #we are POSITIVE about the show unless proven otherwise on this blog

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amateur-author597 · 3 years ago

Text

SERIOUS RISE OF THE TITANS SPOILERS

BUT I NEED TO RANT

SPOILERS ARE UNDER THE CUT I PROMISE

I STARTED ROTT TEN MINUTES AFTER IT CAME OUT AT 5:01 PM AEST AND FINISHED ROTT AT ROUGHLY 10 TO 7

I FINISHED THE MOVIE AND SAW 8 SPOILER POSTS WITHIN 2 MINUTES ON TUMBLR

PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS AND PUT ALL SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT FOR YOUR POSTS AND TAG THEM PROPERLY

FIRST OFF

Everyone who said Blinky would die because of"and blinky" in the trailer

Fuck you

It was very fair but still I was so scared

Same to if those who said Archie died because he wasn't in the trailer

Again fair but I was terrified and anxious as hell

My heart could not have handled if he died or Douxie's grief but I'm still upset about what actually happened

And I wish Zoe showed up so they could give her some characterization

We find out she's known Douxie and been friends with him for over 900 years but she doesn't help with the Arcane Order?

And none of the hedge witches show up to help fight them to defend their home?!?!?!

SECOND!!! THE TRAIN SCENE!!!

YES

LOVED IT

GREAT

Jim you stupid string bean, I love you though

Claire, good job, that was some hard magic

Toby, go duke!

Douxie my husband, YAAASS QUEEN, GET IT BABY

The Police Station

It was so funny

Everything about it I loved

Douxari confusing the officers and being neutrally chaotic

Claire trying to be tough and silent

Toby spilling ALL the tea and the officers not believing him

Archie just being Archie and enjoying the confusion of the humans

KREL SHOWING UP WITH RICKY AND LUCY

YES

OMFG

Keep casually listing just about every spy agency in order

and then just

"And your mum"

What a legend

Literal King 👑

Honestly

Walter and Barbara

Them being engaged and happy

Y E S

Jim being best man

Y E S

Walter DYING before they could get married

N O

H E L L N O

ELI GREW UP!!!!!

MPREG STEVE

Very unpopular opinion

I loved it, so fucking funny

I don't even like mpreg normally

But I loved it as a random side plot cause they probably couldn't find an import part for every character and still give them their deserved screen time

Also, funny!

Krel was way too smug explaining to Steve that he would be pregnant, not Aja

You know how we as a fandom have all decided Krel is Aro/Ace icon or at least Aro spec and/or grey ace (something like that) I have no problem with this and love it, it makes me feel very validated, but what Krel just doesn't want kids and decided it's easier to not have romantic relationships, that's also a legitimate thing a lot of woman do

Does that mean gay guys can have biological kids on Akiridion 5?

BACK TO STEVE

I wish there was a bit where Steve called Lawrence on the phone calling him "dad" or "coach dad" and being like "Hey, I know you're probably busy, you're at school but I'm seriously freaking out and I need your help or advice" and explaining the whole Akiridion pregnancy and Coach just reassuring him gently and telling him that he and Steve's mum would support him and he wasn't alone and they weren't mad at him.

Douxie figuring out the sigil

Good job baby! Smart boy! I am very proud

You very smart

The Order bringing the Titans with Nari mind controlled

😬

That's all

Numora dying

Why! It's was so unnecessary!

I don't necessarily love her by any means

But still!

Dndndbebhsvehehrdidjbdisbeurbvtisjbsgsneosbsyneyjsosnsjdbdynsvsidbfindbzhndhdushdhushdbudhnm

*key spams in frustration*

This began much irritation that just increased

THE BRIDGE

ARCHIE LEFT DOUXIE HIS LONG LIFE FRIEND AND PLATONIC SOULMATE (NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME THAT NOT JOW FAMILIARS WORK IDC)

YES HE WAS STAYING WITH HIS DAD AND I RESPECT THAT

BUT GODDAMN IT CHARLIE

CHARLEMAGNE COULD HAVE JUST LIT THE TROLLS FOLLOWING THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLOWN OUT

THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME

OR THEY COULD HAVE FREED THE TROLLS

EITHER WAY

THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT

WTF HAPPENED THE WHOLE FOUND FAMILY THING THEH WERE PUSHING IN WIZARDS

WHY PUSH A GRIEVING DOUXIE TO ESSENTIALLY GET OVER IT AND ACCEPT ARCHIE AS HIS FAMILY CUZ HE WAS ALWAYS THERE JUST TO GET RID OF ARCHIE ANYWAY

DOUXIE WOULD HAVE NEVER SEEN HIM AGAIN

HE WOULD HAVE JUST SEEN "TELL DOUXIE I SAID GOODBYE" IN THE KRONOSPHERE AS HIS LAST MEMORY OF HIM

*INCREASING FRUSTRATION*

"No More Running"DOUXIE ALMOST DIED BRINGING NARI BACK

I KNEW HE WOULDNT DIE BUT I WAS STILL SCARED

I was sad

NARI AND SKRAEL'S BATTLE WAS PERFECT

CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE I WAS NOT PLEASED WITH NARI DYING

NOR DOUXIE BEING HELD BACK ONCE AGAIN FROM SAVING A LOVED ONE

"Nor more running"

Simple line

Sweet

Shattered me and my very being THE SWITCHING SPELL

AMAZING.YES.ILOVEDIT.

DOUXIE YOU SMART BRILLIANT BOY I AM SO FUCKING PROUD

Douxari was so chaotic and funny and pure in a very weird way

I was sad that THAT screenshot of Douxie and Archie wasn't actually Archie because he looked so happy chddling his familiar but it was still cute

Narxie was so fucking sarcastic when the Arcane Order realized the spell didn't work and I live for it

Walter and Barbara

Them being engaged and happy

Y E S

Jim being best man

Y E S

Walter DYING before they could get married

N O

H E L L N O

ELI GREW UP!!!!!

MPREG STEVE

I loved it, so fucking funny

Krel was way too smug explaining to Steve that he would be pregnant, not Aja

Does that mean gay guys can have biological kids on Akiridion 5?

BACK TO STEVE

Douxie figuring out the sigil

Good job baby! Smart boy! I am very proud

You very smart

The Order bringing the Titans with Nari mind controlled

😬

That's all

Numora dying

Why! It's was so unnecessary!

Dndndbebhsve hehr didjbdisbeurbvtisjbsgsneosbsyneyjsosnsjdbdynsvsidbfindbzhndhdushdhushdbud

*key spams in frustration*

THE BRIDGE

ARCHIE LEFT DOUXIE HIS LONG LIFE FRIEND AND PLATONIC SOULMATE (NOBODY CAN CONVINCE ME THAT NOT JOW FAMILIARS WORK IDC)

YES HE WAS STAYING WITH HIS DAD AND I RESPECT THAT

BUT GODDAMN IT CHARLIE

CHARLEMAGNE COULD HAVE JUST LIT THE TROLLS FOLLOWING THEM ON FIRE AND THEN FLOWN OUT

THE PORTAL WOULD HAVE CLOSED AT THE SAME TIME

OR THEY COULD HAVE FREED THE TROLLS

EITHER WAY

THEY COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT

Titan Nari

I was so scared when Douxie nearly passes out from lack of oxygen trying to save her

Claire did a great job and I like her but I feel like they're overpowering her without developing her

Nari and Skrael's battle was a cinematic masterpiece

Coach Lawrence seriously needs a break

NARI DYING WAS UNACCEPTABLE

DOUXIE BEING HELD BACK FROM HELPING HER WAS UNACCEPTABLE

"No more running" destroyed me

I AM STILL NOT OK

I DON'T THINK I EVER WILL BE

The 9th configuration

FOUND. FAMILY. CENTRAL.

I'M THE CHOSEN ONE BUT I CAN'T DO IT ALONE

YES

The Final Battle

I don't even know what to say

Aja. QUEEN.

RIP Varvatos

Rip Douxie that fall would have really fucking hurt

He definitely had broken ribs from that

I'm surprised he could walk after even while being supported against someone else to stand

Jim should have just stabbed Bellroc instead of talking

Jim should not have been able to walk and run perfectly fine after being stabbed even with all the adrenaline

Toby WTF MAN

GOOD JOB BUT FUCKING HELL

I LEGIT CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW IT HAPPENED

THE MOVIE CAME OUT 4 DAYS AGO (IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE THE RANT DONT JUDGE) AND I'VE WATCHED IT 5 TIMES AND I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW I MISSED IT EACH TIME

HOW DID TOBY CRASH?!?!

ANYWAY

TOBY DYING WAS NOT ACCEPTABLE

JIM SCREAMING OUT HIS NAME AS SOON AS HE REALIZED TOBY WASNT THERE

BLINKY AND ARGH LOOK OF PANIC AND WORRY CUZ THEY REALIZED TOBY DIDNT COME BACK WITH JIM

DOUXIE REALIZING HE FAILED TO PROTECT SOMEONE ELSE IMPORTANT TO HIM (EVEN IF HE DOESNT HAVE MUCH OF AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP WITH TOBY, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE DIDN'T ADOPT THEM ALL AS HIS YOUNGER SIBLINGS)

"Always was, always will be" hurt my entire soul

The Time stone

This frustrated me so much it took me 3 days to write just this bit

Go back in time and save everyone?

Yes! Awesome!

Go back to the start the start

Also, I love and adore Toby

BUT IT MAKES NO SENSE

JIM GIVING THE AMULET AND RESPONSIBILITIES AWAY WHEN HE HAS 2 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE AND KNOWS ALL OF HIS MISTAKES AND HOW TO FIX THEM

WTF

AS I SAID I LOVE TOBY AND I LIKE HIM ACHIEVING STUFF

BUT HES NOT TREATED AS BADLY AS THE FANDOM ACTS LIKE HE IS

AND LOGICALLY JIM MADE A STUPID DECISION CONSIDERING WHAT HE KNOWS

I get that he was tired of being the trollhunter

Largely because he was tired of not thinking he would do a good enough job

But odds are Toby will make some of the same mistakes and they'll be right back in that same position except maybe Claire will die that time around

And if you're sick of the trauma and responsibility of it than why would you dump it on your best friend

Once again I say, it was an illogical and dumb decision

I WILL BE RUNNING TO FANFICTIONS TO ESCAPE THIS CANON

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mindninjax · 4 years ago

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Ok so I saw the Dabi thing you posted and I'm kind of disappointed? I love your writing a lot and I enjoyed everything you put out since then but this just seemed like not your type of thing. I know there are a lot of dark fic writers out there but it doesn't seem like you're one of them. Especially with how bubbly you are. I just enjoyed your other stuff more. Are you just trying to be like other writers to get more attention?

Ooo chile... ok so at first I wasn’t going to answer this cuz it’s just meh, ya feel me and I don’t really feel like I’m obligated to explain myself and what I write to you if you don’t like it. Sorry in advance if it’s a little sassy but the wording here kind of rubbed me the wrong way and upset me a little so let me break a few things down for you.

First: I’m not trying to be anything like anyone but myself. The amount of followers I have means absolutely nothing to me. I’m happy if I have 10 followers or 1000 followers it does not matter. I am thoroughly thankful for everyone who has followed me and I genuinely am so happy that people like talking and interacting with me and I hope it never stops.

But writing a piece of fiction for the sake of gaining followers? Sorry that’s not what’s happening here. I’ve made some amazing wonderful friends here that constantly remind me to write for me and that is exactly what I aspire to do every single time I post something on my blog.

Second: You are correct, there are a lot of dark content creators out there, most of whom are pretty good friends of mine. Because I’m such a nice ass person I’ll link you to some of the excellent content creators below.

@bakatenshii, @blahkugo @rat-suki @ourladyofseijoh @seita @kamehamethot @ichor-and-symbiosis @present-mel @hisoknen @tomurasprincess

Ok now that I’ve fed you, allow me to finish my explanation.

In a post I made before posting the fic which, don’t worry I’ll link that too it’s >>here , I explained that I don’t usually post content like this nor did I think I would continue posting dark content fics after October. This decision had nothing to do with ‘how bubbly I am” or what anyone liked seeing. It was my choice.

Ya see Nonnie, here’s the thing about perfecting your craft, you’re allowed to step out of your comfort zone to try new things, to know what you like and what you don’t like, which is exactly what I did. And if I can be allowed to toot my own damn horn, I think I did a damn good job on that fic. I’m proud of it and now I know I’m capable of cranking out a dark content fic should I please. Whether that needed your specific approval I can’t say but I’m fairly sure I know the answer.

Listen I’m going to be a bit transparent here. I compare myself to my friends enough as it is. I certainly don’t need it from an unknown person on the internet who doesn’t know a thing about me or who I am.

Anywhoo this is all to say I’m not doing anything for attention. I write what I write because it makes me happy.

Am I trying to be like other writers? No.

Do I love and appreciate every single one of my friends who put out content that is similar to this? Yes.

Also, just as a very gentle reminder, you are not trapped here on my blog. If you don’t like what I’m doing or writing you can unfollow. I’ll be sad to see you go but like, do what’s best for you boo.

✨Stay Golden✨

#marquie answers #anon #this is like the first time i've stuck up for myself on this website #and dammit it felt good #but like seriosuly #if you don't like what I'm doing?#just unfollow me

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the1975attheirverybest · 1 year ago

Note

The band is super independent and I think that’s why platinum tickets are so upsetting. Artists can choose to opt out of platinum, but not all have the control to make that decision due to their labels. The 1975 DO have the ability to opt out and it’s jarring that they didn’t it (also, it doesn’t keep tickets off of Stub Hub, I’m already seeing listings on there for double/triple face value), especially when Matty has spoke about accessibility and affordability.

I do wonder if their touring company has any say? It’s a huge arena tour and it’s expensive to put on a production like this. In reality it is a tiny amount of tickets like Jamie said, but it alienates a lot of fans who can’t afford that.

EXACTLY!!!! THANK YOU!!! Especially when the bands ethos is explicitly and implicitly anti-exploitative. And, im sorry, I did the research before forming an opinion on this and platinum IS exploitative. It literally is the same tickets. A lawyer who specializes in entertainment law has also confirmed that there is no real basis for these tickets costing extra. And the 1975 have not made this a practice. I expect it from Harry Styles (as much as I love him) and Taylor Swift etc. but the 1975??? After all the “maybe it’s all about the money cuz I tell you what? They don’t give a fuck about you and me. They don’t. Give a fuck. About you bitches.” And “just remember that any semblance of joy you’re experiencing right now is mediated under capitalism.” And all that shit Matty has said about the artists that have been “good to him” and “loyal to him.” And how if they suddenly did a “cash grab” he would say “but what about my relationship with you as a fan.” And he knows that he doesn’t own us forever because “I’ll find another favorite band in 5 minutes, mate.”

(Which is unfair to himself cuz like there’s not a favorite band that is going to replace the 1975, but point taken).

So why can’t we feel justified in our surprise at their choice. I think Matty (.never the whole band or DH) generally gets too much flak online and sometimes he doesn’t even deserve it. Especially in recent months. BUT with this one issue, fans are in the right here. Which is not to say I’m holding it against them. Just disappointed. And, as I said yesterday, it’s fine. People fuck up. But it’s about how the respond to their fuck ups. Like they had an opportunity to say “sorry guys. We tried our best. We hear you but it wasn’t logistically feasible.” OR “sorry guys. We know we messed up. Let us fix it” and opt out of platinum before the sale went on. But instead what did we get? “Chill out it’s no big deal.” Not to you cuz you get paid either way! But I have literally been saving for this since November 2022. So stfu.

Ok sorry clearly I won’t let this go for some reason.

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marv3l-drag0ns · 3 years ago

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I think being pronouns’d correctly would be so much easier if I could actually like. meet people who would use them at me????

(venting/rambling under cut ig)

Like- my mom tries (you warrior person, you go…. person!) but it feels kinda flat? and I think it’s just the hesitance and the lack of going anywhere past partially neutral cuz she doesn’t use stuff in third other than she

and I’m sure dad has good intentions and I’ve gotten him down for Jim-Jam (friend who uses they) but for me it’s still “sis” and “let her” and “she’s going with me” and its just irritating and I’m sure he has good intentions

abad it’s not the gender identity they have trouble with (started making more nb jokes) but it kinda feels like they’re taking it too seriously?

like if I made a joke like “oh all men are knuckleheads ahurr ahurr” theyd chuckle and joke back (men ily dw) but I made a joke to dad about “oh I’m nb I exist outside of the binary which means I’m exempt from decisions” and he kind of found it funny? But then went “ok but don’t trivialize your identity like that it’s important”

and it’s just annoying and I feel like if I went out and said “oh I’m using they/he- or even just he!“ they would actually do better and that’s really annoying because I don’t want to lose ”she” but I feel like I have to to force my parents to actually do better and I feel bad for even saying that because i don’t want to be too critical with them

and I can’t even badger them about Mia gender cuz I told em I was cool with any and she is part of any and I just want someone to use the correct name and pronouns to my face even though it feels like an impossible dream

and I’m worried that if they do I’m going to be twice as upset because they won’t feel… right

i just want someone to tell me it’s all going to be ok i guess.

#dragon’s discussions #vent #great I’m crying now #sorry for bringing the mood down or whatever #I know it’s tumblr and the worlds kind of on fire but yeah #feeling like I’m a bother #…wonder if I came out at school if it would be better or worse

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tea-mew96 · 4 years ago

Text

Analysis: TFP Optimus Prime and a Discussion on Revenge

Disclaimer: This post is going to be a long vent about my frustrations with TFP Optimus Prime, specifically with the advice he gives to Arcee and the audience in regards to revenge. So if you’re someone who does likes him or hold similar views to him, you are probably not going to like or agree with what I’ll say in this post and that’s completely ok. The whole point of this post is to provide another perspective and open discussion with me and anyone else about this (But do so respectfully, please).

Also, there are going to be spoilers for Transformers Prime in this, so skip this post for now if you don’t want the show to be spoiled for you.

So without further ado, let me explain why TFP Optimus Prime’s stance on revenge is wrong.

For those who aren’t familiar with Transformers Prime or don’t remember everything, one of the biggest subplots of the show was Arcee and the loss of her partners, Cliffjumper and Tailgate. Throughout most of Season 1 and Season 2, Arcee is on the hunt to find out who killed Cliffjumper and to get revenge for Tailgate by going after Arachnid.

Everything with this arc was going ok...until Season 1 Episode 20, Partners.

During this episode, Arcee ends up following Arachnid, much to Optimus’ distaste. After Optimus saves Arcee from Arachnid, he tells her that seeking revenge for Tailgate is a bad idea. Later on in the episode, Starscream lets slip that he was the one who killed Cliffjumper, and Arcee reacts accordingly by attacking him. She almost kills him, but is stopped when she realizes Bumblebee is watching them and she lets Starscream go. The episode ends with Arcee saying that she thought settling scores would allow her to move on but that her actions instead lead to the Autobots losing an ally. Optimus comments that wisdom is gained, not automatically earned. This arc continues in Season 2 Episode Episode 10 Armada, where Arcee ends up trapping Arachnid in a stasis pod, ultimately ending their rivalry. The pod is taken back to base, where Ratchet says Arachnid “deserves worse”. Arcee responds that she “intended worse, more times than you know” and Optimus responds that Arcee is “stronger” for her choice.

These series of events are what ruined both Optimus as a character and Arcee’s arc for me.

Optimus tells Arcee that seeking revenge is bad and that she’s a “stronger person” for giving Arachnid a fairly merciful fate of being put in stasis. There’s one problem, though: he’s wrong. And apparently no one on the writing team knew that.

What Optimus ends up implying is that Arcee’s anger at both Arachnid and Starscream is not justified, that being mad at them for hurting her makes her a “bad person” and wanting them to suffer consequences for it is not the right path to take. Except none of that is true.

I think it’s fair to say that Arcee is victim of murder, and has a lot of trauma and emotional damage because of it. She has lost two partners that she clearly cared for and were close to, with one of them (Tailgate) dying right in front of her optics. She displays signs of depression throughout the series, and if the flashbacks in Season 1 Episode 12 Predatory are any indication, Arcee probably has a good case of PTSD too.

The thing about people who have been severely hurt and traumatized by others like this is that they need closure, and there are many ways that this can be accomplished. Forgiveness is only one way. Sometimes closure comes in the form of having the aggressors be given jail time or the death penalty. Sometimes with bullying, a victim will find peace by seeing the bully getting in trouble with the teacher and being suspended. Some find peace through therapy. Sometimes, people can only find peace by taking matters into their own hands and punishing the aggressors themselves (victims fighting back against their bullies and the story of Gary Plauche are good examples of this one). The point is that victims and their friends/family members affected by murder, rape, bullying, or any other hurtful acts is that they don’t have to forgive the ones who committed the crime, nor are they required to. In fact, many people don’t.

This is something that Optimus Prime simply doesn’t understand, and many adults don’t either.

I want you to take a quick read at these statements that people often give as solutions to bullying:

“Don’t react, just ignore them. They’ll go away.” “Don’t fight back, that’s stooping to their level” “Tell them to stop saying/doing those things, they’ll listen”

On the surface, all of these statements sound correct because these are all very tame, non-violent solutions. They’re all moral high ground statements. But almost any victim of bullying can tell you that none of this advice ever actually helped, and if you ever told a teacher someone was bullying you, you at best got ineffective solutions/similar advice to the above and at worst did nothing about it.

Optimus Prime’s statements about not seeking revenge come from the exact place that the above quotes come from: a place of wanting to appear moral and above-it-all but having none of the experience or knowledge to actually back it up.

Optimus wasn’t as close to Cliffjumper as Arcee was. Optimus didn’t see Tailgate’s gruesome death first-hand. He may be older, but being old doesn’t automatically make you right. And I find it ironic how Optimus states that wisdom is earned at a cost yet he’s the one who is clearly is struggling with that concept when it comes to Arcee.

It upsets me to no end how Optimus is contantly tellling Arcee that she’s the one who has to be the more moral, bigger, stronger person. But Starscream and Arachnid? You know, the ones who caused all of Arcee’s anguish to begin with? Naw. Arachnid can continue to tease Arcee by asking if she’s lost any more partners and Starscream can pretend to feel bad about killing Cliffjumper and then immediately brag about it the next day. Yeah, those two don’t need to change. ARCEE DOES. CUZ REVENGE BAD.

Remember how Arcee said she intended a worse fate for Arachnid and Optimus praises her for it? While the show treats that as “closure” and the end to that rivalry, I’m not convinced. For the longest time, Arcee wanted Arachnid dead. So for her to all of a sudden switch to being merciful to Arachnid seems off to me. And thus I began to wonder: Did Arcee decide to not kill Arachnid because she had a genuine change in morals, or did she do it in order to make Optimus Prime happy? Or in other words, is this a genuine change of character or this just the writers’ last-ditch attempt at pushing the “no revenge” narrative into the audience’s face? I don’t know for sure (although I’m pushing for latter in both questions) and the show doesn’t address this. And this is bad because depending on this answer, this could mean that this arc was never truly finished. If Arcee still didn’t believe or feel that having Arachnid in stasis was good enough closure, than the story isn’t fucking over. But no one of the writing team thought this far. No one was willing to put this kind of depth into the show.

Furthermore, I’d argue that this constant talk about Arcee being a “better person” is causing her to be critical of herself over things that aren’t really her fault or that she wouldn’t be able to predict the outcome of.

One is Arcee blaming herself for Smokescreen’s “death” in Season 2 Episode 21 Alpha/Omega. The other is Arcee regretting her attack on Starscream and losing a potential ally. But the reality is that Starscream is extremely fickle and having him join the Autobots wasn’t guaranteed to end in success to begin with. Even if Starscream did join the Autobots, there’s no promise that he would side with them forever. Almost all of his decisions are based off his own goals, and many times that can go against the ideas/goals of the group he’s in. Actually, Starscream does end up betraying the Autobot’s trust anyway in Season 2 Episode 23 Inside Job where Starscream uses the Autobots’ (ok, most Optimus Prime’s) trust to steal the Omega Keys and use them in order to gain Megatron’s favor again. Unsurprisingly, trauma victims in the real world also blame themselves for what happened to them too.

There’s many things about TFP Optimus Prime I can forgive. Boring characterization? Fine. An intriguing characterstic (lack of outward emotion) that has potential to be interesting but the writers never decided to explore it? Whatever. But I draw the line at shitty advice presented as a good lesson, especially when your audience is young kids who don’t know better and may need desperate help.

Kids get bullied and abused. Kids need to be told that fighting back against bullies and abusers who have hurt them doesn’t make them a bad person because the “lessons” and “solutions” that many schools and adults teach or tell rarely work. And telling them otherwise because it sounds right isn’t going to help. If anything, it’s only going to hurt those kids in the long run.

TL;DR Arcee is a good girl who deserves hugs and therapy, and Optimus Prime is a self-righteous moron who deserves to be thrown into a smelting pit.

#transformers prime #tfp #arcee #optimus prime #bullying #philosophy #revenge #tf critical #tf analysis

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